When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Want You Anymore

You love him with all your heart, but your boyfriend says he doesn’t want you in his life anymore. Here’s how to pick up the pieces of your heart and move on.

If you’re lost and sad, you may find You Can Heal Your Heart: Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce, or Death helpful. Louise Hay and David Kessler wrote this book that brings self-awareness and compassion to life, and can give you courage to face the loss of a breakup. You need to learn how to work through the grief and pain. It hurts to accept that your boyfriend doesn’t want or love you anymore, but that’s the first step to healing your heart.

If you want to get over a bad relationship or breakup, you need to change how you think about yourself, your life, and your boyfriend. You can learn how to be happy single…but it may take some time for your heart to heal. You can speed the process by learning how to cope when a man says he doesn’t want you anymore…

Here’s what a reader says about her breakup:

“My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me days before my birthday,” says Mandy onon How to Get Past the Pain When He Breaks Up With You. “He said he is unhappy and that he’s not in love with me anymore. We moved to a new city to have a fresh start, cause last year he broke up with me for 3 months and we wanted to start over new. I still love him but I know I have to accept that he doesn’t want me anymore. My boyfriend was my life and I can’t even hate him. I can’t explain the feeling I have. I’m numb. I can’t believe it because I love my boyfriend so much. I don’t know why he doesn’t want me but I know I will have to survive.”

When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Want You

How do you recover from such a devastating breakup, when your boyfriend says he doesn’t love you anymore?


Accept that he can’t love you the way you want to be loved. Your boyfriend isn’t ready to be in a relationship with you. He texted or told you that he doesn’t want you in his life anymore. He doesn’t love you, and you have to accept that he is not the one for you.

It’s time to stop fighting for your relationship. You loved your boyfriend with all your heart – you gave him your time, energy, love, thoughts, and even your money. You did everything you could to save your relationship, to love him enough for both of you.

But it wasn’t enough. One woman can’t love a man enough by herself. At some point, he has to step up and love you back…and if he doesn’t, you have to accept that your boyfriend doesn’t love want you in his life anymore.

Read What to Do After a Breakup – Emotional Healing for help accepting that your boyfriend doesn’t want you in his life.

Stop trying to change him – or change his mind

This wasn’t the man for you. He was an experience, a chapter of your life. How do I know he’s not the man for you? Because he doesn’t want you in his life anymore! He told you he’s not the man for you. You need to listen to him, believe him, and let him go.

Your thoughts are welcome below! I don't give advice, but you can get free relationship help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.

It doesn’t matter what you think about him or how much love you gave him. You’ll never change him, make him healthier, or get him back. Don’t chase him or beg him to come back to you.

You can’t have the relationship you wanted. It’s as simple – and as terrible – as that. He doesn’t love you the way you love him. No matter what you do, you won’t change his mind or make him love you.

Respect yourself

Pretend you’re a self-confident, healthy, stable, secure, happy woman. Pretend you respect yourself, admire yourself, and only want the absolute best for yourself. Now write down 10 ways you’d move on after her boyfriend says he doesn’t want her in his life anymore if you were that woman.

Here’s how I think a confident, healthy woman would respond to a breakup. She would say:

When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Want You Anymore

  • I won’t call, text, or email my boyfriend because I respect myself more than that.
  • I will accept his decision, and re-create my life.
  • It didn’t work out with him because it wasn’t meant to be.
  • There are other men who will love me for who I am.
  • I will use this experience to be stronger, smarter, and more compassionate.
  • I will lean on my friends to help me heal, but I won’t overwhelm them with my stories or tears.
  • I will grieve the end of this relationship, and I will move on.
  • I will work on building a stronger, healthier self-identity.

It’s your turn: how do you think a strong, emotionally healthy, confidant woman would respond to a boyfriend who says he doesn’t want her in his life anymore? What would she do?

Write down how you wish you were responding, what you wish you were doing, and who you wish you were. Focus on where you want to be and go in your life. Let go of all the stuff that didn’t work out the way you wanted because it’ll only drag you down.

Grieve the end of your relationship

Set aside 15 minutes a day to grieving the fact that he doesn’t want you in his life anymore. It’s important to express your disappointment, heartache, grief, pain, sadness, and fear. Writing is my favourite way to get the pain out – but art, music, hiking in the woods or snow, swimming, decluttering the house, reading, and road trips can be effective ways to mourn.

But, don’t let your life be consumed by grief. Set boundaries. Don’t let your emotions rule you, and don’t fall into the trap of believing that this is the only man for you.

Your boyfriend may have made this decision, but you are a smart, amazing, beautiful woman who is strong enough to move on and be happy….even after your boyfriend says he doesn’t want you in his life anymore.

Read How to Deal With the Pain of Rejection. Feel free to share your thoughts below; I can’t offer advice, but you may find it helpful to write about your experience.

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34 thoughts on “When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Want You Anymore

  • Megan

    I thought my partner was the one. Cheesy as hell right! I went back home to visit my parents for a month. He was supposed to come but made up excuses like he couldn’t get time of work, money ect. He broke up with me a week after being home over the phone while I was on the other side of the world literally. It was so hard going back knowing I had lost my house, cat everything. I had to live at a friends house until I found my feet again. He asked my to find a house in another state! Which for some stupid reason, I did!!? He new he wanted to break up with me before I left. He couldn’t give me a reason. Nothing. It was just because. It took him over a month to tell me some sort of reason. But still to this day tells me how much he loves me how much he wants to see me and every now and then reminds me we will never be together. He told me today he slept with someone else. It killed me inside. I’m numb, confused and so so hurt. Who new your actually felt pain when your heart gets torn to spreads. I find my self reading this artical and I think what the fk was I thinking chasing someone who doesn’t love me the way I deserve to be loved. Great article.

  • Laurie Post author

    Don’t lose hope! Just because this relationship didn’t work out – and even though it’s your child’s father – doesn’t mean your child will grow up without a dad or a loving family.

    It is painful and I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I know how terrible it feels when your boyfriend doesn’t want you anymore. I’ve experienced it, and it hurts awful.

    But take heart! Grieve the end of this relationship, let him go. He wasn’t meant to be with you — and you deserve to be with a man who loves you and wants to be with you.

    You deserve love. Don’t chase a man who doesn’t want you. Take good care of yourself…because if you don’t, who will?


  • Alexandra

    After reading all this I just had to post my story in a short paragraph , I been with my boyfriend 4 years and half . We had a baby not so long ago he just turned one . And he’s telling me he’s not in love with me anymore that he just wants to be free and explore the world after we had plans of getting married we had almost everything planned out . We had our ups and down but that’s any relationship . And am here just thinking my baby is just 1 year old and I wanted him to grow in a family something that I never had , and I guess he won’t either . He tells me everyday he doesn’t want to try but it’s just so hard I always end up going back to him but he refuses me and it just hurts I feel I need to give me my place but I always end up going to him …..

  • Peaches

    I met a guy through MySpace. I later started taking to his cousin because he started texting me out of the blue. During the time he was calling and texting everyday almost all of the time. For some reason he wasn’t my type but i soon went on to start liking him then so forth and so on i started to fall in love with him. He told me he loved me, we were really close. It took 9 years until i finally went to go see him. He was in LA at his brothers i caught Amtrak, we had sex, i really thought he was the one. When i came back from LA he just started acting funny. He told me he wasnt ever my boyfriend. He loved me but i act childish, He also told me he didnt want to be with me anymore. He went on to keep it cordial we both agreed to be friends but he always wnted something from me. Either money or sexual encounters. Im over him but for anyody going through this bless your heart time will soon heal the pain, love yourself and god first. Take care of yourself and your heart.

  • Lisa

    I am going through a similar situation. I met my boyfriend 5 years ago right before my last year in college. We began texting and talking on the phone every single day non-stop! The chemistry was crazy! I had never experienced such a connection with anyone like that before. Long story short, we started an official relationship and were inseparable. After I graduated from college, we shortly moved in together with a goal of marriage in the near future. Once our daughter came, things got worse. There were arguments after arguments. Then I began to notice we were stuck in a cycle. A cycle of arguing for days at a time, then we would have a week or two of good terms. At the beginning of this year we were having a conversation about our futures. He told me marriage was in the near future. Now all of a sudden he tells me I’m not on his level, I’m not the one for him, and he doesn’t know if he wants to continue with me. I feel so numb. I’m hurt and don’t know what to do. Not only for myself but for our daughter. I often wonder what she would think if we did end our relationship. I just don’t know what to do at this point.

    • Anonymous

      Growing up from a family that my parents are always fighting, it would have been better if my parents were happier and separated before I even got mature. Decide whats best for yourself. Your daughter would not want her mommy to be forcing her daddy to be with her because she exists.

    • Vanessa

      I understand where your at, Im in the same situation. Ive been with my boyfriend for 3 yrs now and we have a 1 year old. He tells me he doesnt want us anymore. I cant seem to let go nor move on. I keep on trying to make him love me because I dont want to lose the chance at having my kids miss out on a family. I cant seem to make him love me again. I do feel foolish because he doesnt feel any love for us, and thats not enought for me to get up and leave.

  • Rbiannon

    Me and my boyfriend had our 2 year anniversary about a week ago, and he went out drinking for his friends birthday the next day. When he came back (at 4 am), we had an argument which ended up with him telling me that he’s not sure if he loves me anymore and also that his friends have been trying to get him to leave me. I was heart broken, I couldn’t stop crying, and I didn’t want to be in the same room as him. I told him that I still love him and he told me that he does love me, but at the same time he doesn’t know if he is IN love with me anymore. We decided for him to move back in with his family, so that he can figure out whats been going on in his head. He’s told me numerous times that I haven’t done anything and that this is his fault. We’ve been messaging each other since he moved out and he’s stopped saying ‘I love you’, ‘I miss you’ and also calling me beautiful. I say it all to him instead and he just ignores it. I don’t know what to do, he’s said that he’s trying to sort himself out, but it just seems like he’s pushing me away.

  • Vanessa

    My boyfriend of five years as going to propose to me, but instead here I am 1 mth later, crying myself to sleep. He didn’t think it’s work, that it’s inevitable us ending. I have to find a home now… he says he loves me, but that we’re not meant for each other. I’ve given him everything, and now we’re not meant to be. Can’t we just go back!?

  • Trudy

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, we have definitely had our ups and downs but throughout everything we’ve always stuck by each other’s side. About a month and a half ago he told me that he wanted to take a break from our relationship so that he could take some time to work on himself & I was 100% okay with that, but eventually it was revealed that he’s been having doubts about our relationship because I’m younger than him (2.5 year age difference) & there’s also this girl that he has like me for some time now that he wants to talk to. I know he has some strong feelings for this girl because anytime we’re remotely close to getting back together he runs into her (they go to school && work together) and totally second guesses our whole relationship. It hurts me because I want to be with him for the rest of my life, but I know deep down he really wants the other girl. I’ve asked him several times if he would rather be with me or her & he always says “I don’t know.” That tells me that he doesn’t really want me anymore because how could you even compare a 4 year relationship to a crush? I’m just really in a sad place right now because I feel like our relationship is over. He still tells me he loves me and tries to act like we’re still together but I know that it’s her that he really wants. I’ve told him to go be with her because I know that’s what he really wants and I love him enough to let him go so that he can be with someone who is everything that he wants and more. He tells me he won’t do it because he doesn’t want me to get involved with anyone else. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He’s literally my best friend and I have no one else that I can talk to about our relationship. I really don’t want to leave him.. I want us to be happy together again.

  • Ann

    Hi. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We’ve always been having ups and downs but always come out on the other side. I think he is an amazing person and I admire him a lot. We both have very strong personalities and this is really our first adult relationship. I’ve grown to love him. A lot. In spite of all our issues. I wouldn’t want him out of my life. Since recently he’s been miserable to me. Always agitated and frustrated. When I confronted him about it he said hes hurt by all our arguments and he sees that when he looks at me. This makes me very sad. I work with him and I can’t imagine going to work everyday and working side by side with him and he feels this way. He said he feels like he’s in relationship with someone he doesn’t want… I don’t know him like this and I have no clue what to do. I want to save my relationship and help him to forgive me. I do love him. And I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know if I’ve been my best and fairest with him. And I feel guilty when I know I’ve hurt him. I’ve loved the life I’ve had with him and I truly can’t stand to see him miserable. I want to do something about it. I treasure him and I want to build back our relationship. Please help me

  • Maureen

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for 1 year, we don’t live together in the same place, we are in a long distance relationship. I don’t think my boyfriend wants me anymore. At first we used to meet every week, we were happy in love but now that love is gone he doesn’t want me to visit him. He is digging in my past n other people tells him lies about me especially male people, if I call him he is not answering my calls and if I don’t call him its a problem. My boyfriend accuses me of have an affair when he’s not around (which is not true). So I wonder if my boyfriend want to breakup with me or what because now its a long time since we saw each other again.Advice me please.

  • Kim

    I left my boyfriend of 15 yrs because I thought I wanted more. I was completely wrong. I told him 3 months ago and he said he still loves me and wants to come back home bit he hasn’t yet. He lives with another girl because he needed somewhere to go. He’s at my house alot but not home. It kills me everyday to not know if I should give up or wait on him.

  • Ashley

    I don’t know if anyone will read this but I feel so alone the last 2 weeks that this is the best I can do. My first serious relationship ended a week and a half ago. The man I first moved in with, first went on vacations with, got a cat with, and planned my life with. There were no real indications that this was coming, we had been slightly more distant the last two months but we were both very stressed by out individual troubles so I didn’t think much of it. I came home one evening to my boyfriend telling me it was over. My entire world that I had just built on my own was shattered. I had a home I loved in a town I loved, I had my own cat, my new second family, my boyfriend, and I was finally starting school. And it was all gone because he decided he didn’t want me anymore. He didn’t think we were right for each other in the long run. But I did. I so saw my life with this man and he didn’t see it back.. I am completely grief stricken and I can barely bring myself to do the things I have to do. I struggle so much with getting through the day and I’m embarrassed of my inability to “fake it till I make it”. I feel like my sadness is a burden to others and that I’m just negative to be around. But I can’t hide how utterly distraught I am. I wish I could start feeling better, but I just cant. My brain always reverts back to our love and what I can’t have anymore. I wish and dream that he will take me back and that makes me even more embarrassed. I wish I could just accept that we can never be together and just move on. But I miss him so much.

    • Corri

      Hi Ashley, I just want to say I know exactly how you feel. My situation is somewhat similar and you are so right…it’s hard to “fake it until I make it.” I’m curious, how are you doing now that a month has gone by? It’s been 2 months for me since our breakup and I’m slowly getting better, but am still struggling.

    • Christine

      Me too its been 2 months. Just try to journal and hang out with friends. It will get better but I feel the same. Hang in there

    • Josie

      Ashley, I’m going through a similar situation. Two weeks ago my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me over Facebook messenger while I was at work. I went out to my car on my lunch break to call him and he said he wasn’t happy anymore and doesn’t know what he wants. It completely came out of nowhere. The last couple of weeks he seemed distance but I didn’t think much of it. I never saw it coming. We’ve been through so much together and his family and I were very close. I think about him everyday and have nightmares about him being with someone else. Everyone keeps telling me that he wasn’t right for me and I’ll find someone else but I don’t want anyone else. My heart hurts so much. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact it’s over. Someone who I thought I trusted and told everything to is gone just like that. My chest hurts I wish I could sleep away the pain.

  • Laurie Post author

    Oh, sweet girls, you are so precious! I am so sorry you’re going through this. I know the pain of discovering that your boyfriend doesn’t want you in his life anymore. It’s a terrible, heartbreaking, lonely feeling.

    Give yourself time to grieve, cry, and be sad. Keep writing about how terrible you feel, how much you wish you could go back to the way things were. Express your emotions, share your feelings.

    But don’t share your feelings with your boyfriend! He is not interested, he does not want to hear from you. He is moving on with his life. For him, your relationship is over.

    I just wrote this article today, to help women move on when their boyfriends don’t want them anymore:

    How to Stop Crying When It’s Over

    You will heal. You won’t feel this way forever! You will grieve and cry…and you will begin to feel hope and life and light again.

    You are stronger than you know, braver than you feel, and more beautiful than you realize. You are lovable and worthy. And you will find a boyfriend who loves you the way God created you to be loved. Have faith. Trust Him; dip into His healing flow of life and peace and joy.


  • linta

    Hey my name is linta.iam from india where love and love marriages are not considered as part of their culture.if two people love they face a lot of problems.parents completey breaks the relationship with their child.and if the caste or religion is different then the case will be the worst..still there are people who love and marry.
    I fell in love with a boy in another religion when i was 18 years old.now iam 25.we both are of same age.im his third girlfriend.he promised me that he wil love until his last breath.but our relationship has a lot of problems.i cannot think of another man in his place.i love him so much that i cant live without him.i have told him many times that how much he mean to me as a boyfriend, but he stopped talking to me now..i cant think of even a second without him.he too said that he loves me so much.but things are getting different.we both are at different states.we see twice in a year since this relation started.now he is pursuing mba.he joined his new college last year.there he got lot of friends.
    now he switches off his phone when i call and i have to call his friends to get him.i know if i stop calling him he will not call me back.but i dont want that.i cant live without him.he has told bad things about me to his friends.he said i am a psycho.now he is asking me to get lost.there is not a single day without me crying.

  • Lily

    Bf of 3 years broke up with me months ago. We are from different countries andoved abroad for a year now moved back to my country. We were supposed to have a fresh start but he broke things off before we moved. We met up a few times and made out a few times after break up. But now he said he will only come back to my life once I move on. It is so difficult to hear things like it and I am still devastated. I am sure I can make things right only if he gives us one more chance but I also know he is far away gone.

    • Earphbound

      Sometimes we love those people who don’t love us back and as devastating as that is, all we can do is move on. I was in love with a guy for almost 6 years and I went through a lot of ups and downs. Out of the blue he basically told me he didn’t love me anymore and this is where our chapter ends. After 6 years, that’s all I got. I grappled with the thought for weeks and then I just accepted that this person no longer loved me. Regardless of how much love I poured into it, they didn’t even love me back or care. I was devastated, this happened months ago and I’m still devastated ya know but time heals everything. I know I gave it my all and that person decided that it wasn’t good enough for them. What do you do? You gotta pick up the pieces of your broken heart, take care of yourself, and move on. It’s not the end of the world, it just feels like it right now because your heart is broken. From one broken-hearted girl to the other, we are strong beautiful women and we will get through it. It was a setback but it’s not over for us. GOD bless you and I pray for peace, joy, and true love for you and anyone else suffering from an earth shattering heartbreak.

  • Penelope

    hi my name is Penelope i been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he said i dont know if i want to be with you anymore it made me upset but i have to repeated it i have to move on it going to be hard on the both of us but it for the best i know that i loved him so much and we cared for each other and we did everything together we going to have our memorise together we had so much fun been together and i will always love him and care for each other but we Can still be friends and love each other as friends and care for each other i will always love you Daniel forever and always

  • lizzy

    My name is lizzy I had the same problem , my boyfriend n I had been together for 3 years without seeing him or evn sleeping with him , he always make excuses when we are supposed to have app , I love him so much and I realised he is taking advantage of that I have decided not to call him and chat with him , he alwaays insult me when I text him and complain I loved him so much but eventually I have realised that you can lead a horse to the river but you cannot force it to drink

  • piya

    I waa his frst choice..he was my life..but 5 month back all get changed. He doesnt want ne in his life..i asked him that y he is doing dis. He replied to me by saying that i am not that girl who he was thinking..from last few months i tried my level bst to save my relation with him but he didnt tried a single time. He always used ti say that he will leave hin if i will doubt him. He always show his temper if i disobey his words. He get angry when i say anything related to love or attachement. He has changed his self..what shuld i do?.. i love him badly..and i can imagine my lyf with him only and no one else..

  • Kiki

    I guess I am not the only one. He cheated on me multiple times. He kept texting other girls but wont text me. I saw a girl dressing up in his bedroom on his phone but he told me a friend visited with his girlfriend and they took his phone. I had to believe him because I love him. He will break up with me when he goes through my phone and realize a guy texted me. Just recently, I went to the house and the while place was locked but he was inside with a woman. I went to the back where the bedroom window is and I heard him talking with a woman. I called and he told me he’s not home. Am just devastated. What is wrong with me? Am I not beautiful enough?

    • TMK

      Hello. I’ll go straight to the point. I rarely make posts online but i feel compelled to respond to this post. I hope I shed some light on your path.

      How old are you ? How old is he ?

      There is nothing wrong with you, you are a wonderful, beautiful person who can actually love another person, its a quality that is not as common as people seem to think and it can be lost very easily.

      That guy sounds like a horrible human being, plain and simple. He’s got problems. He wants to put you in a place where you will be okay with what he’s doing. IT IS NOT OK.

      Did you just type, “He will break up with me when he goes through my phone and realize a guy texted me. Just recently, I went to the house and the while place was locked but he was inside with a woman. I went to the back where the bedroom window is and I heard him talking with a woman. I called and he told me he’s not home. Am just devastated”? You need to dump that psycho before he breaks you.

      As a matter of fact he almost has. I mean, read your own words, ” Am just devastated. What is wrong with me? Am I not beautiful enough?”. Self esteem issues dear. Yours is at a dangerously low level and he knows it. He’s using it against you. You need to dump that weasel and start working on your self esteem. Make sure that it doesn’t depend on how other people treat you. Once you achieve that no one will ever play you like this again and get away with it.

      Believe it.


      Going to his bedroom window was bad, that’s creeping. This relationship is bringing out the bad in you. Get out now.

  • JD

    My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me days before my birthday. He said, he is unhappy and that we know we love each other but we are not inlove anymore. We moved abroad to have a fresh start, cause last year he broke up with me too for 3 months at that time the relationship was in a long distance. But he chase me back and here we are now. Only 7months abroad something a new life, living in together. I asked him is there someone else so many times, at first he said none, 3 weeks after I found out he was already cheating while we were still together and before he broken things up with me with A YOUNGER GIRL at work. The day i confronted them, dont get me wrong, i still get them the respect even they did me wrong, he said he was going to tell me that night but I just knew or had proof already. I was so crashed but i know i still love him, i couldnt even hate him, he was doing her and doing me too. He said he has his reasons why he did that. But for me, you cheated. It shouldve hurt less if you didnt, upto this day he says that he has reasons why he had done such. He already moved out of our apt and chose her infront of me. I can’t explain the feeling i have. I didnt believe it until I saw it, i always tell myself he can’t do that to me but I was wrong. The person that i love so much did it and it hurts like hell.

  • Meriam

    Hi Nolo, we have same situation.. we’ve been for almost 4 yrs and 9 months and my boyfriend doesn’t want me in his life anymore.. last august we’ve found out that im preggy. but recently he told me that he didnt love me anymore, but keeps on trying to love me back.. i dont know what to do and i dont know how to get over w/ this..

  • Nolo

    i am also going through the same, the man I have been with for 7 years going to 8 just left me and we just had a baby. he treats me so bad to an extent that I just see it as normal. when he is happy I should be happy but when he is unhappy he also wants me to be happy, he swears at me today and the next day he tells me he loves me. I know they say you should fight for what you believe in and fight 4 your man but after he just decided to leave me without no reason , I have just decided to stop believing and just focus on my own happiness, you can love someone so bad but sometimes love is not enough when it makes you miserable, love is supposed to make you happy.

    this is a very good article, thank you for your advice, no matter how much it hurts I wont look back.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Dear Khendise,

    The end of a relationship is always painful, even when it wasn’t a healthy relationship. It’s hard to start your life over when your boyfriend says he doesn’t want you in his life – even when you know that you’re better off breaking up.

    My prayer is that you find strength, courage, and peace. May you find a good place to live, and may you connect with friends and family who are supportive and compassionate. I pray for everything to go smoothly as you and your boyfriend make decisions, and for a new home and other practical parts of moving to fall into place quickly and easily. I pray for healing for you and him, and for wisdom as you parent your child after this breakup. May you find faith, hope, and even joy in your future! I pray for all good things for you, for your child, for your life and future relationships.


  • Khendise

    Thank you… although it has been months in a loveless, no affection and no passion relationship, i still held on thinking things would change but he finally told me after me forcing him to talk to me that he doesn’t love or care for me any more and he can not force himself…. its day one and it hurts as hell, messed up thing is we will live together with a toddler… I am spinning… do not know what to do or where to go!