What to Say When Your Boyfriend Asks to Borrow Money


Should you lend money to your boyfriend? It depends. Here are five things to think about when your boyfriend asks to borrow money – especially if you aren’t sure if you should loan it to him.

These tips are inspired by a She Blossoms reader. “My 65 year old boyfriend is preparing to retire,” says Barbara on Signs It’s Not Smart to Loan Money to Someone You’re Close to. “Part of his preparation will be filing for bankruptcy and walking away from his home/mortgage. He owns a really nice motorcycle that we both enjoy. He has asked me to buy his bike in order to protect it from the bankruptcy. This purchase would equate to me paying him $10,000 and him then making payments of $250 a month. We have know each other for about eight months and I like him a lot, but this request has made me uncomfortable. My boyfriend isn’t asking to borrow money, but it feels dishonest. I don’t want to buy his motorcycle. What do I say?”

No! She needs to tell her boyfriend no – she will not buy his bike, she won’t loan him money, and she won’t put her financial security at risk for a man who is filing for bankruptcy. He may be a perfectly nice guy to date, but he’s not a good financial investment. Barbara needs to  trust her gut and keep her money safe.





If you’re in a similar situation – your boyfriend is asking you to loan him money or buy his property – you have to stand up for yourself. Don’t let your love for him override your common sense.

You are a smart woman. You know your boyfriend is asking to borrow money because he’s not good with the finances. You know you can’t afford to give or lend him money. You’re here because you don’t want to lend him money – and you’re right to be hesitating.

Be strong. If your boyfriend gets mad because you won’t give him money, let him go.

What to Do When Your Boyfriend Asks for Money

In almost every case, I think girlfriends should say no when their boyfriends ask to borrow money – especially when the boyfriend is financially bankrupt or has a bad credit rating! He does not know how to manage his money.

His financial mismanagement does not mean he’s a bad person or that you should stop dating him. But, it does mean that you should keep your finances separate from his. Even if you get married, you need to make sure you are financially independent and that you retain your own good credit rating.

Despite my solid gold advice, many girlfriends will say yes when their boyfriends ask to borrow money. If you’re one of those kind, loving women who can’t say no to her boyfriend, here are a few ways to protect yourself.

Make sure you’re not in debt and can afford to lend the money

Here’s more of Barbara’s story (my reader whose boyfriend asked to borrow money):

“He is a very generous man, but he is not good with money as evidenced by his need to file for bankruptcy at this stage of the game. I’m retired and on a fixed income, this is a lot of money for me. I currently carry $11,000 in debt that I am trying very hard to pay down. I also have a savings account with about $1,200 in it. Though I do have stock I could sell if need be, I don’t feel that is very wise of me to sell it at this time.”



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You should never loan money to your boyfriend when you’re already in debt! Do not put your financial future at risk because your boyfriend can’t manage his money. You can love him with all your heart, but keep your money in your savings account, stocks, and retirement investments.

Separate business from your love life – because a financial loan is business

“My problem is that I think the world of him, but his mismanagement of his own money make me very uncomfortable in trusting his ability to repay me. Do I go with my gut feeling? How would I explain my reasoning to him without hurting our relationship?”

Yes, you go with your gut feeling. You know it’s not smart to “buy” your boyfriend’s motorcycle and hope he pays it back! It’s not a financial investment – it’s a mistake that you will regret.

Tell him the truth – you can’t afford to lend him money

This is what you say when your gut is telling you to say no when your boyfriend asks to borrow money:

What to Say When Your Boyfriend Asks to Borrow Money“I think the world of you and I’m happy in our relationship, but I just can’t afford to lend you money. I’m in debt, I have mortgage payments, I don’t earn much money, and I don’t know what my financial future holds. I wish I could help you, but I don’t have the money you need.”

If you’re worried about saying no to him, read How to Tell Your Boyfriend the Truth. Learn how to respect yourself, set boundaries, and stand up for your boyfriend. Saying no and being strong now is smart and good, even though it’s hard. Better to say no and lose him than say yes, lend your boyfriend money, and go into financial debt or lose your future.

If you say yes when your boyfriend asks to borrow money…

If you lend your boyfriend money – such as buying his motorcycle and getting paid back over a few years – then you need to make a contract and get him to sign it. The contract needs to make the terms of the loan clear: how much money your boyfriend borrows, when and how he’ll pay it back, the interest rate, and the date that all the money should be repaid.

Do you need tips on how to draw up a loan contract? Let me know in the comments section below. But it’s super easy to search the internet for “sample loan contract” if you’re certain you want to lend your boyfriend money. You don’t need a fancy formal agreement, just a few details. Remember, however, that a loan contract won’t guarantee you’ll get the money back from your boyfriend.

Do not expect to get your money back from your boyfriend

If anyone asks to borrow money from you – boyfriend or not – the smartest thing for you to do (besides say “no”!) is to let go of the money forever. The reason the person needs to borrow money is likely because he can’t manage his finances. This is a problem that doesn’t disappear overnight.

When you lend money to someone you love, you need to expect never to see it again. That way, your relationship will stay loving and you won’t resent your boyfriend when he gives you excuse after excuse for not repaying the money he borrowed.

If you don’t know how to say no to your boyfriend, read How to Stand Up for Yourself.

What do you think about these tips for lending money to boyfriends? Your big and little comments are welcome below! Is your boyfriend asking to borrow money? Trust your gut instincts. You know what you should do…but do you have the courage to do it?







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54 thoughts on “What to Say When Your Boyfriend Asks to Borrow Money

  • Young Sally

    I found this column because I googled “what should you do when you BF asks you to loan him money” – and then clicked over here. I have the glorious opportunity to enjoy both.

    I’ve been seeing someone who I dated for nearly 4 years in the early 80s. There is a 12 year age difference…which I think is why we originally broke up. He is/was a wonderful man and I’ve mentioned several times to my therapist (prior to reconnecting with him) that in many ways he was possibly right guy, wrong time.

    We reconnected through my mother (although she doesn’t know it). She recognized him in a local store and gave him my info. When he contacted me, he was very vague about problems at home. He’s been married to someone for nearly 30 years and has two kids – one who just graduated college and the other starting HS.

    When I knew him he was reliable, sensitive and maybe not frugal – but not a big spender. He never aspired to a fancy life…he had a solid job in advertising and was great with clients – but he was not career focused. I spent nearly 30 years focused on my career – and really didn’t miss having anyone in my life – and then he showed up. The timing wasn’t ideal – I was overwhelmed with two new clients (I’m self-employed and was trying to build out a book of business) and fighting with my coop where building work had prevented me from listing my apartment for sale for nearly three years. My life sucked – and so did my finances….for the first time since the mid-90s.

    We talked for a few months – finally agreed to meet in person – and it was great. We were older – I’m now in my 50s – I was in college when we dated – and he is in his mid-60s. His life sounds like it has been one bad decision or break after another. Most years he did okay – but the financial crisis hurt his income, then his son was born prematurely and his wife developed early breast cancer…but is in remission for seven years. Through it all, he was there for his family while being the only breadwinner. I can’t think of a guy who works harder to make other people happy.

    After about six months of talking – our relationship shifted…and became intimate. He’s been living in the basement at home for over two years now (shortly after we re-met). Things at home sound awful for him – but of course, I only know what he tells me….I’ve done my best to be there for him after a bad fight – or when he’s had some other crisis…and he has been there for me through my incredibly stressful apartment sale.

    Now that I have a good nest egg – I am restarting my life – new clients, looking for a rental apartment until my credit cleans itself up – and trying to put what I learned in the last decade or so about myself to the test. Until about 10 days ago, I thought our relationship was starting to cement itself. It was never clear what our relationship would look like – but I was largely okay with the uncertainty…not happy…but okay.

    Then he asked for money…$5k to catch up on the mortgage…I said (after getting good phrases from my therapist) that I wasn’t comfortable doing it. He convinced work to give him an advance….but it wasn’t enough….so he lowered his ask a couple of times until today when he asked for $350 to get through to the end of the week when he gets paid. I said no.

    I feel awful (of course) – his financial and home life are a mess – and have been for a decade….and each time I’ve broached the subject – can his wife and/or adult daughter work and contribute to the family income so it isn’t all on him…what about renting the house and renting a smaller place (or even better sell the house)….he seems to agree that they are all good steps – but then he creates some excuse for why it can’t be done.

    So now we’ve had our first fight…in 35 years. He says that he is disappointed that he asked for help and I didn’t give it to him….because it was only $350…not a full bailout. He complained that it wasn’t okay for me to say that the loan (however small) made me feel uncomfortable – but that it was okay for him to be uncomfortable. And that obviously he’s ruined his relationship with me (as he has with his family) and that not loaning him the money means I don’t trust him.

    It’s horrible to know that you’ve hurt someone – but this situation feels a lot like my dealings with a friend who – after being sober for many years – fell off the wagon in a big way. That friend stopped talking to me after he found out that I chose another real estate agent to list my apartment. I knew he would work hard – but I also knew that it would put a terrible strain on our relationship (and this was before I knew he had relapsed) That relationship is over.

    Alas, this one may be as well. It will hurt if I have to cut ties with this person who again became very important to me..But I sincerely hope that hearing “no” from someone he respects…will eventually get him out of his “I just need a break” mindset to “I need a plan to deal with people and issues that I’ve been putting off for too long.”

    Thanks for listening…or rather reading.

    • Tisha

      You did the the right thing, “Young Sally.” He is just trying to make you feel guilty so that you will give him money. He had a wife and children, he needs to deal with his problems without your help.

  • Martha

    My boyfriend asked me to urgently transfer money back that had just come to me that he had previously borrowed. He rang consistently over a few hours, despite me explaining I was busy but would contact him after. I rang and he didn’t pick up. I texted, no reply. 6 hours later his phone called mine, I heard a woman’s voice and him saying, I am trying to call nartha. Then the phone hung up. I called back, he didn’t pick up. I hid my caller ID a short time later and he picked up, then he cut the conversation short and I didn’t get to talk about the money. 8 hours later, he calls back and first thing he says” did your transfer the money?” I said no. By this stage I was getting annoyed at a woman’s voice in the background, the demand and the fact he had not come to see me as promised. I am sure you are all reading this and saying ” dump him!”. Trying to get the truth ended in a huge fight. He got angry saying I was insecure about who he was with- I said no, I was just not an ATM machine for him to have fun on my money without me! Guys love to pull the – you are just jealous and paranoid” card, however there is no shame in being insecure and paranoid with REAL reason. I am proud to say, on this occassion, I was glad I was insecure and paranoid and said no because I was spot on! Girls, if a guy accuses you of being insecure and paranoid when all you have done is gently asked questions, play it right back. Shout yes I am, I am, I am, I am and you are NOT getting what you want from this crazy cow, catch ya later! .

  • jo

    I have this problem w my ex. I already give him a lot cause he has less than me. He has no job. I dont eat a lot of times so I can spend some on the kids and my dad helps me. His family doesnt help him. His wifes family doesnt help her. Shes too lazy to work then asks him money and he must buy himself stuff. Then hes like oh kids got a toy? You have money enough. Can you borrow me 150? This has been going on for months. I never get a cent back. He spends it on him and his wife, then has no money for the kids to eat and needs some. So irritating. I dont give a cent anymore. If you wont work you wont eat. Bye.

  • Jessica Amy

    I need some advice! My boyfriend wants me to get a loan for him and his mother as they are moving houses soon and need the bond money as they are both unemployed, mother being on a disability pension. I recently started a new job, and although I want to help and feel guilty because I know this is needed for a good reason, it is not my responsibility and he has been extremely bad with his money in the past. What should I do?

    • Donna

      My ex boyfriend text me one day asking if I could lean him money he desperately needed to pay for his bills. I thought about for couple of they. Finally I leaned to him. He did send me the receipt what he pay. Later middle of night he text me tell me he thinking about me. I was so happy unfortunately he out with with bunch of people two guy and three girl getting hi and drink. At point I was think I’m so stupid feel like snacker.. never ever lead money to your ex boyfriend?

  • Laurie Post author

    Sometimes, you can figure out exactly what to say when your boyfriend asks to borrow money…and he’ll still be upset and maybe even angry that you aren’t just giving him what he’s asking for. And, if he’s a good boyfriend, you might fumble and say the “wrong” things…and yet he’s okay with it because he really does love and respect you.

    Remember that it’s not what you say or how you say no when your boyfriend asks to borrow money…it’s his character, personality, and maturity level. If he gets mad, it’s not your fault – and it’s not the way you turned down his request! It’s because he’s emotional and taking it personally. Which is understandable. But if your boyfriend really cares for you, he’ll understand why you can’t lend him money.

  • Tish

    For so many reason you will feel obligated to lend money to these guys but believe me they going to finish you for all you have! When your boyfriend asks for money, say no and mean it.
    I have been in the same situation, my boyfriend kept on asking me for money – leaving me with a dent in my pocket. I also believe once you start this trend you wont stop-after all love cant be bought. You are so worth it- if this is your situation now when will it stop – it never does.

  • Leah

    Thank you for this article and I’m glad this situation involves more “mature” adults. Many times relationship advice such as this is geared toward younger adults.

    I’ve been dating a man for less than two months. We met on March 31st and started dating shortly after. I am 50 and he is 40. This past 7 weeks has been mostly enjoyable. We go out, he usually pays. I paid once because I wanted to take him out and I often cook for him and gave him over for dinner. Last week he insisted on taking me to the grocery store and buying my groceries because I cook for him and have been taking care of his dog whom I just adore.

    Last week this dude mentions, almost in passing that he was buying a car and he needed 300 more dollars to complete the purchase or he would lose his down payment. I was taken aback because although it was a hard car that he was buying outright it seemed like an impulse buy. Additionally I was FLOORED that anyone I’ve known for less than two months would ask to borrow money. Although he said he many not need it. A couple of days I told him that I will not be able to lend him any money. He said ok.

    Today, a day later, he tells me he never needed the money. He was just “testing” me to see what I’d do and I “failed” the test because I should have offered him some part of the money.

    Without getting angry, I let him know that his “test” has caused me to examine him. And clearly we have two different views about relationships and money. At this time, I’m ready to end this relationship…at least the romance portion, not because he asked to borrow money but his follow up about the “test” when I said no. I’m just trying to figure out the right words and time to tell him.

    • Young Sally

      Leah — Your story sounds a lot like mine — and I got the same response from my therapist. I reconnected with an old BF (who says he is in a bad marriage – largely for money issues) — and after about six months it moved from friends to something more. We reconnected in part because we were both feeling alone in financial straits and our breakup 30 years ago was more of a sputtering out rather than a real breakup (even though we were together for over three years).

      Long story short — I’ve been working for two years to get out of my financial mess – finally selling my apartment and getting an okay nest egg on which to start over. He is still struggling to make ends meet – particularly on his house payments. No fewer than 2 days after I closed on my apartment sale – he asked to borrow $5k….I said no…then $1k…then $500….then $350….and finally $150…..he negotiated for a full-week. He is/was testing me….and it felt awful. He’s apologized…the supportive friend in me feels that he is burned out after 12 years of financial straits that he can’t seem to solve….my therapist says it sounds like an addiction on his part…..

      I don’t want to lose the intimacy of this relationship – but I may have to – for my own sanity….and solvency….and frankly – it sucks. I’m now looking at him hoping that the guy I adored, who was kind and steadfast and reliable is still there….even after the money ask….but I may be at the point where it is simply too late….Yuck,

  • Rose

    I believe you are a 100% percent right, ” don’t expect your boyfriend to ever repay you. He assumes you are dating and love him to take advantage of you mainly if he sees you have some spending money. A man who cares and love you will never ask you for money. I have had my two last boyfriends asked for money that have never pay me back.

  • Paul

    I wish my sister had read this article before she loaned her boyfriend $350. That was 6 months ago, and he pretends to have forgotten all about it, in a joking way. She thinks he’s just teasing her but I know deep down that she’ll never get that money back. It may not seem like a big financial loan to many people, but it’s a lot of money to us.

    If your boyfriend asks you if he can borrow money, say no. Or at least get a written agreement that states when he’ll pay it back.

    • Fran

      I gave my boy friend $4300 dollars in cash and i am worried now that i wont get that back. my gut feeling said not to but i was not strong enough to say no to him. if i would say no to him he leave me. i was scared for th t reason. now i feel really bad that I loaned my boyfriend money. And i do not feel the way i used feel about him. My boyfriend never would have loaned me money, he is so cheap with his money. but i feel now i am an idiot. he often uses my good heart as always people had done that to me i really feel sad about this whole thing now.not a good feeling.

    • Juliana

      Hello my dear, i have read your answer money is money. 350 for you can be like 3500 for someone else. I have the same problem. I love my boyfriend a lot. But he keep on borrowing money from me and he always want to know how much i earn at my small part time jobs. im a student. Currently i am in deep dept’s more than 27000 Dollars for University fees car bills and living. All in all he already borrowed nearly 2000 Dollars from me. I know he don’t earn to much but he can at least pay me litte by little back. im always the nice person when i have money for him to borrow, but when is payday of his work he forget about me. I have to ask him to watch if his money is already there. Then he start grumbling. its like im disturbing him and that i don’t have right to ask him for my money. I don’t know if he is just using me or if he realy loves me. When i ask him to massage me or do s.th for me he feel disturbed but if he has a little pain im always there for him. He also thinks that i love him so much and im giving him an overdose ove love and carring. How can i stop borrowing him money. i need the money to pay my rent and food and cloths. He know that i need new trousers and winter jacket and clots. But the only thing he does is taking the little money i have….. hi hope he is not just using me again for money like my ex. i have told him that my ex has done that to me. i guess it was an mistake tellin him. cause he is even doing it worse than my ex puhhhh i feel so sad and naive

  • Sarahabby

    I learnt my lesson the hard way. 5 years in my relationship and I’ve been helping him financially for YEARS. He’s 12 years older than me, I helped him with his finances whilst at university!! And even getting my new job!! I always feel too scared, guilty or weak to say no and when I do say no I still do it anyway. I’m beginning to feel used and DRAINED. I’ve had a situation where I couldn’t pay my university rent bcos I gave him hundreds. I’ve gone overdraft because of him. And has he ever helped me financially? NO. I have had to delete his bank details from my phone and my online banking to make it damn near impossible for me to transfer him money. And even though, he recently asked me for money and I said no- he’ll soon realise that for once it’s for real and I’m putting my own finances first. I don’t know how our relationship will go from there. If he was using me all along, we’all break up and I’ll find someone better. If he genuinely loves me and understands then he’ll stick by me anyway whilst respecting my decision and putting his own finances in order. Enough is enough. He always says he wants to marry me (even tho he hasn’t proposed) so it feels like he’s stringing me along emotionally and I’m so naive. But I’m finally feeling clear headed as day and I want a man who is a provider NOT A GOLDDIGGER.

  • Cindy Dickson

    I absolutely agree with this last comment. I “gave” my boyfriend about $24,000 over three years and it was all due to low self esteem. Yes, I do have money BECAUSE I HAVE WORKED VERY HARD MY ENTIRE LIFE! I ended our relationship about 3 month ago and guess what…he sent me a text and is in dire need of $15,000. My god, can’t believe it cost me $24,000 to learn a lesson that saying no is a strength. Expensive lesson to learn so please, listen to your gut (my gut was screaming no each time he asked) say no from the being because if you don’t it will happen again and again because by saying yes you have made it ok. Love yourself and learn from my big mistake that lost should not cost a penny, it is give unconditionally and “free”ly. Don’t do it. If he needs money he needs to work 2 jobs, 3 jobs, whatever it takes to be a man. Follow your gut, it is always right.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Seren,

    From your comments, I get the impression that you know your boyfriend’s asking for money isn’t a good or right thing for him to do. You don’t want your parents to have to say no to loaning your boyfriend money, and you know nothing good will come from financial loans between you and your boyfriend.

    And yet, you love him. Your boyfriend has been good to you, has treated you well on dates, and is overall a nice guy. So, saying no when your boyfriend asks to borrow money is difficult…even though you know that “no” is the only right answer to give him.

    I think that you won’t be able to tell your boyfriend no about the financial loan without causing him to be upset or irritated. This is just a fact: you can’t say no to people – even a boyfriend who loves you – and not expect them to react in ways that you don’t like. You can’t control their thoughts about you…and yes, if you say no when your boyfriend asks to borrow money, you may come across as mean and bossy.

    If I were you, I’d tell your boyfriend the truth. Your parents aren’t rich, and they can’t afford to lend your boyfriend money. You love him and really appreciate all the love he’s shown you, but you can’t afford to give your boyfriend a financial loan. You don’t like having to tell him no, but you have no choice. And you can’t put your parents in this position, either.

    I hope you find strength and courage to tell your boyfriend no – and especially to deal with his reaction. If he doesn’t accept your decision with love and grace, then he is not a man you want in your life.

    May you find wisdom and courage, strength and freedom to say what you need to your boyfriend. May he be a good man, and may he accept your decision not to lend him money with grace and love.

  • Seren

    I came across this while looking for excuses to give my boyfriend who’s asking for money.

    We are a long distance couple, different countries different cultures. We are pretty serious about our relationship but yet we are young and still in college as undergraduates.

    The fact that my boyfriend isn’t asking me for money but asking my parents for money and said that he’ll return it in a few months as it is for business. My parents aren’t rich, they have their own finances to look after and my boyfriend who’s apparently trying to save his dads company by asking people for money.

    This gets me suspicious because it’s not once or twice but thrice he’s asked me to ask my parents. My parents never met him, never spoke to him and it’s obvious they wouldn’t agree to help him.

    I just don’t know what to say to him. I can let him borrow a couple hundred for once I probably owe him for all the dates and love he’s given me but a huge business amount I cannot. As much as I love my boyfriend I cannot help him financially and I don’t like it either. I just don’t know how to put it to him without being mean/ bossy etc

  • Esther

    Thanks for your advice.I’m a victim.I’m a widow and 5yrs after my husband died,I met a guy who wiped away my tears we dated for two years and he started borrowing money for me.I kept on giving him coz I loved and cared for him.He requested for a huge amount of money saying that he wanted to clear a loan balance he had so that he could secure a huge loan for us to buy a land and later build our house.It sounded a good idea and that was the worst mistake I ever did coz the guy disapeared after a few months.I’m now dating a guy who hv even proposed to me but he has started borrowing money from me I hv given him quite a huge sum of money but again today he ask for a small amount and I kind of woke up from my slumber and said no.I now don’t care whether he break up with me or not but I won’t lend him more money.My fellow women take care coz some guys are gold diggers and they will dig money from you in the name of love.

  • Laurie Post author

    Maria,

    I’m sorry that lending money to your boyfriend destroyed your finances! But that is such an important thing for women to remember when their boyfriends ask to borrow money.

    It may not feel loving to refuse to lend him money, but it could save not only your financial future, but your relationship as well. And, if you say no when he asks to borrow money, you find out what kind of a man he really is. This is an important thing to learn, as soon as possible!

  • Laurie Post author

    Tiyana,

    Thank you for sharing your experience. It is so awkward when a boyfriend asks to borrow money, especially when he’s such a generous guy. But I’m very proud of you! You are a smart woman who knows how to lay down your healthy boundaries. Awesome.

    Know that you are doing the right thing by not lending your boyfriend money. A truly awesome guy will accept your decision and love you no matter what. Just like you love him, even though he’s financially “troubled” right now 🙂

    Here’s another article you might be interested in:

    How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work
    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/how-to-make-a-long-distance-relationship-work/

    All good things,
    Laurie

  • Tiyana

    This is so helpful. I’m going through this right now (like an hour ago) for the first time with my boyfriend, who just relocated back to Chicago for a better job opportunity while I stay in Arizona, for the time being. This article (and my parents’ past advice) is really helping me navigate this sticky situation and giving me the courage to say no but also encourage him to find a solution that won’t put further strain on our already strained (long-distance) relationship.

    I’m not a Christian myself like my parents, but I remember what the Bible teaches about lending and at first considered giving him the requested money as a gift, not expecting to get it back… However, the bottom line was he had displayed generosity by helping someone close to him (his parents, actually) when it jeopardized his own financial security, so I suggested he remedy the situation by recognizing that he wasn’t really IN a situation to give to begin with and should try explaining the situation to his parents and request the money back until he’s returned to a point where he can be more helpful. (His family is Mexican and he says it’s part of their culture for the kids to always help their parents out after the parents have given so much to raising the kids…but I really can’t understand compromising your own financial security to bolster someone else’s.)

    The reason he needs the money back now is because the friend he was rooming with in Chicago said he could stay there rent free for a couple months to get situated while starting his new job, but then the friend lost HIS job then turned around and asked for rent money anyway! (I’d tell him to get the money back from his friend, but then they’d both be homeless, lol.)

    My boyfriend is a very generous person, but he’s also not good at saving money (obviously)–not the greatest combination. I told him this was something he should work on for himself, if we’re to be together in the future because I can’t share my life and finances with someone who is not secure with his own life and finances. (I’m not always an amazing financial saint with my own money, but I at least have an emergency savings of several thousand set aside for stuff like this.)

    He’s seemed to take all of this to heart and was grateful for saying what I’ve said to him, but time will tell… This has been so hard for me to say no to lending him money. I just want to be supportive because he is a really great guy and it’s hard to see someone you love struggle. 🙁 I told him he’s not alone because I got away from my own budget for a while myself before he left, so I guess it’s something we can set specific goals to work on together while being apart.

  • Laurie Post author

    Thank you for sharing your stories here! I hope more women and girls search for ideas on what to do when their boyfriends ask to borrow money – and I pray they learn how to say no.

    Mixing money and relationships is complicated, and it’s really hard to say no to a man you’re in love with. I get it.

    Unfortunately, most of us have to learn the hard way.

  • Robin bowen

    Never ever let a boyfriend borrow money from you, I started dating this guy, he seemed like the nicest guy on earth, loved God, etc. Well I’m out $6,700, and when he realise I wasn’t helping any longer he decided to end it and say he needed to focus more on God, well I didn’t know God had female names who started taking my place, he was nothing but a smooth charmer, can’t wait until Karma bites his ass….

    • Joan

      I understand you bc i’m on the same situation. Right now im alone at home, no money at all, and he is drinking and w/ friends. He has no job but bc he’s handsome and nice to all people he can survive always! And im broke. Also always have women around him. There r guys with luck.

  • Lesego

    My Boyfriend and i have been dating for 7 months now, he lost his job in the second month of us dating, he is always asking me for me, and now i am realizing it is becoming a pattern, he recently asked me to take a loan for him , and when i tell him that i don’t have money and i cant get into debt that i cant afford he sulks and says that what kind of a partner am i, and he wonders what kind of a partner will i be in future, he said that this money he is asking to do things for both of us, i feel uncomfortable with this, since he is not financially discipline and i feel he is emotionally abusing me.. i cant do this anymore

    • Francisca

      Dear Lesego,

      This guy is clearly manipulating you. He is abusing you emotionally. Please you shouldn’t give him a dime! You should even call an end to the relationship, its a bad sign.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Tell your boyfriend NO, Virginia! It’s a mistake to lend him that much money for a camera (which isn’t even a necessity). You will be on the hook for the money.

    Even if you ask him to sign a promissory note, you’ll still have to follow up and even sue him to get your money back.

    Tell him you like or love him, but you just don’t feel comfortable putting that much money on your credit card. If he gets mad or sulks, then you know that he isn’t a good guy. A boyfriend who loves you and cares about you wouldn’t ask to borrow money unless it was a dire emergency. Even then, a truly good guy would accept a NO with grace and honor.

    This is what to say when your boyfriend asks to borrow money: “I’m sorry I can’t help you, but it just doesn’t feel right to me to put a huge amount of money on my credit card so you can have this toy. I love ya, but I can’t put my money where my love is.”

  • Virginia

    I have been dating a guy for two months. He has “confided” in me about his credit score problems. How his score has been damaged because he has owed money to two cell phone companies and it was transferred to collectors. He is now unaware of whom to pay and where to send his payments to. I was sympathetic and tried to help him reach out to credit karma and figure out what company he needs to call. Besides that, he then decides to ask me about my credit. I told him that it was in good standing. After a few days, he started asking me to purchase a camera for him. He says all I have to do is finance it under my name and he will make the payments biweekly to me so I can send it. He assures me that he will have it paid by six months. the camera is 3,198.00 dollars!! I want to help but yet that is my credit and my name that will be written down for payments. I was thinking of writing a statement where he signs it and assures me that he will pay the amount within 6 months. Is that possible? Or should I just run for while I still can?

  • Laurie

    Don’t give your boyfriend the money, Sabrina! You know that you’ll regret it if you lend him money.

    There is NOTHING wrong with looking out for yourself. Have you ever flown on a plane? If there’s a problem, the stewardesses always says that you need to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. This is a fantastic analogy to real life: we need to be strong, independent, healthy, and happy if we want to serve others well.

    Giving away your money to your boyfriend – no matter what he needs it for – is not taking care of yourself so you can be strong, healthy, and happy. Lending your boyfriend money is weakening yourself, which will weaken your relationship.

    Do what your heart is telling you to do, for your heart is wise!

  • Sabrina

    Thank you. My boyfriend recently asked me if I’d like to be his bank. Literally. He wants to get a truck and needs $6,000 for it. I am currently unemployed and have about $10,000 in my checking at this very moment. I rely on that money so that I have something to fall back on if anything goes wrong. He says he will pay me back, but also mentioned it would take him half a year to make $6,000. It’s got me thinking: What if we don’t last that long? Where does that leave me? Can I survive off $4,000 until I get a job? I hate to think this way, but I need to look out for myself. His family(who I am staying with) I feel like are talking about me, bad mouthing me as “selfish” and whatnot because of it. And I honestly feel like when this is all said and done I’ll be happy I didn’t give him that loan.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Don’t lend your boyfriend money, even when he asks to borrow it and he says he’s desperate. The reason? It will come between you. Please be strong and assertive, because he will respect you more in the long run. A financial loan should be between people who don’t know each other well — such as a bank and a borrower. Money should never come between a couple in love.

    Tell your boyfriend you just don’t have the money right now. You can’t afford to lend him the money. If he’s upset with you, then he’s shown you that he’s not the boyfriend you thought you had.

  • Sana

    I have been in relation with my boyfriend since 3 years, he lacks focus on studies and is waiting for the big amount of money that he will inherit from his family after a couple years. He also doesn’t earn because the work is either so difficult for him or he is underpaid. Anyways, I have started to earn good from last 3 months and it’s the second time that he has asked for money. He says he will return but he never has. I don’t know what to do, I’m really upset because I am saving money to get a decent place for living or get a car may be and continue my studies. I feel like he is becoming dependent on me, but still what if he does inherits his money and really pay me back and he needs it now because he can’t turn to anyone else for help. I don’t know, please advise. Thank you

    • Maria

      I’m in the same situation, my boyfriend wants to borrow money from me. He didn’t study, he drinks a lot, like to party and be w/ friends and he lost his job. I tried to help but it was my mistake. It became usual to give him money. And it destroy my finances and my love for him… never ever try to be a mother to a guy…

  • war war

    Hello,
    I just want to share my current experience.I have boyfriend and our relationship is only 4 months.
    He asked me to lend money 2000B(Thai Baht) that was the second day that we love.I gave him but he didn’t give me back now.He asked again when we are at 4 months to give money to buy car for him,have to pay deposit money 50000B(US$2000) and pay monthly charge for five years.I feel very uncomfortable and I don’t have to pay my money that i work hard and very tired at the work.I don’t want to pay a lot of money and pay for five years.This is not my car and we are not married yet.I feel that he doesn’t love me.if he really love me ,he will not ask money to me.So I told him yesterday that this is my money and we are only bf and gf,only 4 months.r u love me or my money?if u love me ,don’t ask me about money never.I m not your wife,just girlfriend.So if you want to continue our relationship, don’t ask me never about money and if u feel angry to me,u can leave me.I told like that.Am I right?

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    The difficult truth is that when you tell your boyfriend that you can’t lend him money anymore, he will get angry and frustrated. He’s not gonna be all “Yay!” when you cut off the financial stream of free cash!

    Will your relationship survive you standing up to him, and telling him he can’t borrow money anymore?

    Better yet……are you sure you want to be in a relationship with a boyfriend who doesn’t know how to handle money, and who borrows money without paying it back? This is a HUGE warning flag about what kind of guy he is!

    I hope you find the strength and courage to stop loaning your boyfriend money. Yes, you’ll feel guilty and it’ll be uncomfortable telling him you can’t give him more money.

    But you know deep down in your heart that a quality guy wouldn’t keep asking for money and not paying it back.

  • Lexi

    My boyfriend has asked me to buy him a 120 dollar instrument and that he’ll pay me back. He’s borrowed money from me and other friends before and just last week I lent him 240 dollars that I haven’t gotten back. The most I ever lent him was 940 for rent which he did eventually pay me back almost a year later with his taxes. There have been other things that I will never get paid back for. I have a job and live with my sister and have some good savings but I’m planning on moving out and it’s all money I worked for and I don’t want to just throw it away for someone else. I just don’t get why he would even feel comfortable asking me to lend him large amounts of money when I would never even think about asking anyone for more then 20 dollars. And then I have to feel uncomfortable for saying no. I just hate being put in that position especially when I know how he handles money and that I probably won’t ever get paid back and I have every right to say no but still have to feel guilty. But every time I bring up money he definetly gets frustrated with me. How do I ask him to stop asking me to lend him money for good?

  • Marie

    For me I was so regret when I gave a money for my Nigerian boyfriend that cost of 23,500 pesos. I can’t tell that he is scam because we meet each other in Philippines since 2011 and he come back in Nigeria.. And I’m assured that he is a good man because I see him, he is a religious man.. But all of the sudden he was just suddenly disappeared after he took my money and never communicate with me anymore.. Now I know even how much the guy being a religious its not a guarantee he will not lied nor cheat on you when it comes in money..
    I love him so much but my love fade away from him. He likes to hurt other people.. Good luck for him! God knows everything!..

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Hi Azalea,

    It sounds like you already know what you want to do….the question is how to say no when your boyfriend asks to borrow money.

    “I love you, honey, but I can’t lend you money. I’m broke!”

    It’s as simple as that. It gets complicated when you allow your feelings of wanting to help and nurture your boyfriend get in the way of what your brain knows to be right and true.

  • azalea

    My boyfriend is asking me to let him borrow money for gas and food
    1 I’m a college student
    2 I work part time
    3 I’m already in debt with credit cards
    the only money I can give is for him to pawn my bracelet he can get 300 for it we’ve done it before but I didn’t get back after 6 months and my mother had to take it out it was 400 with interest it really bugs me I want to say no I’m still paying for a loan I got for him last year and I didn’t even get to see that money for myself you know will I be a messed up girlfriend for not supporting my man in bad times he hasn’t worked lately because of the weather he works in construction. we love each other and everything but I need money too I want to finish what I owe with the little money I make he owes other people money too so I know I won’t see that money back and I’ll have to pay what he uses if it’s my credit card or pawing my bracelet I just don’t know what to do he says he’ll pay me when he gets money but I don’t know if I can believe him if he already owes me money

  • Laurie

    Hi Kahel,

    Thank you for being here, and asking such a great question! When your boyfriend asks to borrow money, you definitely need a contract or financial agreement. Get it in writing, no matter how much you love him.

    I wrote an article called “Sample Contract for a Family Loan” – the link is just below. But, a financial agreement or contract between and your boyfriend is as simple as this: your name, his name, the amount you’re lending him, the date he borrowed money from you, and the date he intends to pay it back. You should also include repayment details, such as if he’ll pay interest or if he’ll make payments until the loan is fully paid back.

    What are the repercussions if your boyfriend doesn’t pay your money back? This should be discussed openly between you and your boyfriend. Will you take him to small claims court? Talk to his family?

    It is SO important to protect yourself if your boyfriend asks to borrow money. I know you love him and want to help him, but you still need to be wise.

    Here’s the article about how to make a financial agreement when you loan your boyfriend money:

    http://www.theadventurouswriter.com/blog/sample-contract-for-a-family-loan/

    I wish you all the best!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Kahel

    Thank you for this article. May I ask if you could give me tips or a sample of a contract. I lend my boyfriend with an amount of 12,000 pesos (Philippine peso) from my savings and 6,000 pesos from a loan to start a computer shop business. I have not talked this about with my relatives and friends. Just with one trusted friend and advised me to have a contract too. Thank you and more power!

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Rachel,

    You are 100% right that you and your boyfriend are equal partners, and you are both totally capable of looking after yourselves financially. You are under no obligation to take care of him when he asks to borrow money, and you certainly should NOT give him money or take care of his needs by buying things for him!

    You are a smart woman, and you know what the right thing to do is. Don’t give in to pressure from your boyfriend or his mother by lending him money. You’ll regret it, and you know it.

    Have you read the Boundaries books? You can love your boyfriend and treat him well, but not lend him money when he asks to borrow it. It’s just a boundary that couples shouldn’t cross when they’re dating. Even married couples need to be financially independent and responsible for their own selves.

    I wish you all the best in your UK adventures! Stay strong, Rachel, and follow your heart and gut.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Rachel

    Hi, me and my partner decided to move to the uk for the year to do some travelling. We each had 12 months to save, i saved in that time $15000, wheras he saved $2000. He is now struggling for money but i dont feel comforatble paying for things for him, i worked very hard to save why should i give my share away because he chose not to save. I have now seem emails his mother has sent him saying its my responsability to look after him and give him money and i am very upset by this. We are not married, he is not my child i dont want to! I care about him, but i am his equal partner not his mother. I now dont know what to do. If i am being selfish or if i actually have a point. We have been together for 17 months

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Chan,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing how it feels when your boyfriend asks to borrow money. I think you should be firm about keeping your money separate from his. Even if you and he were married, all women still need to keep their own financial independence!

    Tell your boyfriend the truth: your money is for your education, future goals, and your own life. His money is for his own purposes. You love him, but you can’t give him your money. You have to be strong and courageous, and find the confidence it takes to say no to him.

    Be strong. Be confident. Trust your gut — you know you shouldn’t give him your money!

    Take heart.

    Laurie

  • Chan

    I have been seeing this guy for the past 4 years, back then he was OK. But after 2 years he started asking money from me (both of us are students and didn’t have job. I got monthly scholarship but he didn’t). I paid him regularly as I love and care for him. Once he asked for a larger amount saying that he got to do something important and will pay me back. I gave him, but after 1 month he said he bought a gold ring for him with that money. I said its OK but inside me I was so hurt. I had to ask money from my parents for my college admission. And now,there is a high possibility of increasing my scholarship amount, he is aiming for that he keeps on asking me when will it happen (he even started making plans of what to do with it, he said he will invest the money). I don’t want to end the relation and I don’t know what to do . Please help me.

    ** sometimes he pays me back a few bucks.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Melanie,

    Did your boyfriend sign a promissary note, or do you have anything in writing that proves you loaned him the money? That’s an important first step in convincing him to pay you back!

    It sounds like he doesn’t have money to spare, and getting your loan back won’t be easy. He is so far behind in his bills, and he’s motivated to pay his rent and buy food and gasoline for his car before paying you back.

    I’m sorry to say it, but I would chalk it up as a loss and move on. It’s financially and emotionally painful to have given so much to your boyfriend…but the pain will get worse if you stay where you are.

    I wrote this article for you:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/should-i-give-up-on-my-boyfriend/

    I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Melanie

    Hi, my boyfriend keeps asking me to lend him money. The first time I loaned him $50, then $120, and then $50 again. Now he wants to borrow $200. He says it’s to pay his rent, but I don’t believe him. I don’t think our relationship is going anywhere. Should I give up on him? What about the money I lent him, will I get it back?

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Debra,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts here! I hope readers who are thinking about lending money from their boyfriends learn from you, and think twice about falling for it.

    I love watching Marilyn Milian’s judge show — and over half the cases are women suing men for repayment of loans. We need to smarten up and separate money from our dating relationships.

  • Debra

    So true about getting rid of jerks that need money all the time. I not only married a loser, but then went on to become involved with yet another piece of trash, (because I hadn’t listened to my “gut instinct”) that conned/borrowed/suckered as much money out of me that he could. What really irritates me was that the second creep was a “born again Christian” who worked for the same Co. as I did, although he earned $200 a wk more. and worked there twice as long (20yrs at the time) had ZERO assets–not even a 2nd hand car paid for, and only about $4,000 in a 401k. His ex wife was a lazy fat slob/stay-at-home mom, that hadn’t worked in years and squandered whatever he made on ridiculous diets, gym mbrshps, hair/nails, tacky clothes, booze etc., so I guess he was “getting back” at ALL women by taking advantage of ME. It took me over 10yrs to completely rid myself of that scum and even after he married someone else and had a kid, continued to call and beg me to go out with him again–that, or the idiot would try to sell me junk like vitamins, questionable investment schemes, figurines, you-name-it. Total dirt bag. Only once in an emergency I asked to borrow $10 from the mooch, of course he acted as if *I* had a lot of NERVE! HA! If a man asks to borrow money, or is constantly broke–GET RID OF HIM! Or live to regret it…

  • Jane Alala

    It is hard for a woman to say no when a boyfriend asks for money. However as we get older we realize that if he cannot manage himself, then we are wasting our time. Let the bugger go out and make his own money. Girls you cannot buy love, and you cannot change a man.

    There are two types of men – providers and losers!!!