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When He Says He’ll Change – But Never Does

He promises he’ll change, but he never does. Here’s how to know if you should believe him and keep hoping for the best, or think about breaking up with him.

When He Says He’ll Change But Never DoesSometimes we need an objective guide, such as Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum. This is an awesome book, because it’ll help you see whether or not he’ll change – and if you should trust him.

Here’s what my reader, Betty, on Signs of an Abusive Relationship You Should Never Ignore: “We got engaged pretty fast, but he was the perfect guy. He changed after a couple months. I try to be the perfect wife but I find myself sometimes paying all the bills and doing all the housework. My daughter does the outside work. He became insensitive and makes disrespectful comments about me to my kids.”

The first warning sign is that there is NO such thing as the perfect guy! If your boyfriend seems perfect, then there’s something wrong. He’s hiding something. Before you jump into a common-law marriage, engagement, or wedding make sure you’ve spent at least a year with your boyfriend. Don’t be fooled by how perfect and right for you he seems. And, believe him when he says he can’t change, because he’s telling you the truth.

When He Says He’ll Change – But Never Does

Here’s the rest of Betty’s comment:

“A woman emailed me over Facebook and called me, and a few months later my kids found out he was talking to another woman. He said he wasn’t. Then, a few months later I found pictures and sexual texts from his ex. Now he says he’ll change but hasn’t. He continues to talk to his ex and be disrespectful. I want to be with him but from what I understand he’s been like this with every woman he’s been with. I continually forgive him in hopes he’ll change for me, like I did for him. I don’t know what to do. Should I leave him?” ~ from Is Your Marriage Over? 7 Signs Your Spouse is Leaving.

Be realistic about your relationship

I very rarely tell women they should leave their husbands, but in this case I think Betty shouldn’t trust her husband to change. I think she knows it, too. She says she doesn’t know if she should believe him that he’ll change and she doesn’t know if she should leave him, but I think she just doesn’t want to face the truth. If he’s been untrustworthy and disrespectful in his past relationships, then it is unrealistic to expect him to change – especially if he’s already been caught cheating with his ex on Facebook.

Ask him how bad he wants to change

will my boyfriend change

“Will He Change?”

Does your husband want to change, or is he just saying he’ll change to appease you? Do you see signs of change, growth, maturity in his life and your marriage?

If he says he’ll change but he still disrespects you, don’t listen to you, and continues to have contact with his ex despite your discomfort, then I think it’s safe to assume he’s all talk and no action. He can talk about wanting to change until the cows come home, but it’s his actions that prove it.

Ask yourself how he can win back your trust

Would marriage counseling help you trust him? How about him giving you access to all his Facebook accounts, text messages, and email accounts? You need to figure out whether you can trust him again, and live in peace with him and yourself. What can he do that will make you believe him when he says he’ll change? Make a list of things he can do to reassure you – be outrageous (eg, you insert a camera on his head so you know what he’s doing and where he is at all times) and practical (eg, realize that it takes a long time to rebuild trust after your husband has an affair).

Nobody can tell you if you should leave your marriage or relationship. You need to dig deep within yourself, and be honest: do YOU believe him when he says he’ll change? You have to be strong and courageous enough to listen to what your gut is telling you.

If you know he’ll never change, read How to End a Relationship When You’re Scared to Be Alone.

What do you think – does your boyfriend or husband say he’ll change, but never does? I welcome your thoughts below.

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7 thoughts on “When He Says He’ll Change – But Never Does”

  1. they don’t change, the last straw for me was I went and booked an overseas trip to see if something special like that would ignite him to change, supposed to have gone on it tomorrow- have to cancel instead. The whole 3 months leading up to going away- i had to book all the holiday on my now, i tried to surprise him with a beach commitment ceremony, including booking and organising all that on my own, I had to pay for everything on my own plus all the rent back home each week with him saying its my fault he has no real job or money. I waited and waited until the day before flying out- for him to get involved and change and help, but he never did. Just a small example of how the whole relationship ran from beginning to end. Me doing everything with him taking a free ride

  2. Recovering from a disease — an addiction — such as alcoholism is extremely difficult. It’s a process that is a lifelong commitment, and it won’t happen overnight or even in a month or two.

    I encourage you to learn as much as you can about alcoholism, because your boyfriend is dealing with much more than “just” his love and commitment for you. He is struggling with a very powerful addiction that he has no control over. So when he says he will change and never does, it’s because he has no control.

    It’s a sad and painful disease for the alcoholic and his loved ones. Read as much as you can about it, so you understand what you’re up against.

    How to Love and Live With an Alcoholic Boyfriend

    8 Ways to Cope With an Alcoholic Husband

    If it were me, I’d give him time and space to make healthy changes in his life. I would withdraw and give him his own space not because I’m trying to make him suffer and force him to change, but because my life is too short and precious to waste in a painful relationship with an unhealthy person.

  3. My fiance has 2 sides of him. Hes a drinker and craves alcohol and the weekend he disapears on benders at the because he knows i dont want him to drink. Hes disappointed me so many times and left me at home wondering where he is and what hes doing even tho he promises and begs he will change for me. Ive been through it so many times with him ive left him but he crys and acts suicidal. I love him so so much when hes sobar he is a lovely guy with so many plans for our life and is an amazing step father to my daughter i can tell he loves me so much but i dont know if he will change. Ive currently broke up with him for the 100x but know this time i will need to not give in so easily and make him suffer to see if theres any improvements. Do you think this will work?

  4. These articles that i have read has made an already clear sign that my husband doesn’t love me, even clearer. Listen, i am 27 and my husband is turning 21 tomorrow. Big age difference i know, but age is just a number in this matter. We married quickly because of the circumstances that we were handed at the time really gave us no other option, also because we loved one another of course. He was this gorgeous, sweet, loving, caring, kindhearted, generous young man that wouldn’t hurt me for nothing even if it meant risking his life. He made me feel so good, like i was the only girl in the world. I never thought i was so lucky to have a 2nd chance at love, seeing as my Fiance passed away prior to and i never thought I’d be able to have feelings for another man ever again. But here he comes just taking my breathe away and sweeping me off my feet. What I didn’t know was, i was in for a HUGE surprise. Since about the middle of February, my WHOLE world turned upside down. He acts as if i don’t even exist. It isn’t nothing for him to lie to me. It’s like a 2nd language to him it seems. I only get some type of attention when he wants to “make love.” He ignores me. He treats other woman with more, WAY MORE, respect than he does me. And he will do it right in front of my face. I’m not allowed to have a phone. No Facebook. I am to do what he wants to do or he will cause a scene and humiliate me. If i try to talk to him about anything, I’m expected to swallow my pride and put my feelings aside and just be nice. Any and everything I call him out on gets turned around on me and SOMEWAY, SOMEHOW its my fault. No matter the situation, if the results come out negative in any way, I messed up somewhere to make this happen. He cheated on me the day before mothers day as i was having dinner with his family crying and begging for him to please just come home.
    Needless to say, i adore this man so much and every bit of love that i have for him was still there so i forgave him, THAT NEXT DAY!!! He’s suppose to go back to this man that i fell in love with and make me feel wanted etc. Ha! That was a joke that lasted about a week or less, I get treated as if i don’t even exist. Like he could puke when i walk into a room. Disrespects me so horribly. But yet wants to sit there and tell me what i want to hear (I love you with all my heart and im so special to him and im his world blah blah blah.) But as soon as i calm down he we “make love” it goes right back to what it was. And i mean immediately. I don’t care about how much i love him anymore. i don’t deserve to be treated this way. I do everything for this man and then some, and i go so unappreciated. Barely getting a thank you from time to time. Reading these articles just proved to myself that it is him and not me and that all signs are clear that he doesn’t love me. So i thought i’d share a little of my story with you. Comment or E-mail if you’d like.

    1. Did you leave him yet? I am going through something similar. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. There were problems from the beginning. He doesn’t care about the majority view of what is right and wrong. He does what he wants. He never helps me, mentally or physically. We have 2 small children, and I work and still must do everything at home. I ask for help everyday and get none. He lies a lot about things he think will upset me. He tells me what I want to hear at certain points, and yells and blames me fir every problem I have with him or daily life. He sets extremely bad examples for my kids. I am trying to figure out how to leave him, I am very much alone in the world. Thanks for sharing. Feels good to vent, lol!

    2. Thats not right you dont deserve that i was in a 10 year relationship with my boyfriend when i was 6 months pregnant he left me for his ex and married her i was stupid to take him back when my baby was born and made him divorce his ex he finally proposed after 9 years but thank god i didnt marry him. i always sneaked his phone and yup seen texts from other women and watching porn from his web history so i said enough is enough after 10 long years of hurt tears and pain i ended it. During the breakup i got currious and checked his facebook and yup still flirting with other women my son even over hears him on the phone with a women . So i thank god for opening my eyes and having the courage to leave it was a battle but it was worth it.

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