5 Secrets Husbands Don’t Tell Their Wives

What is the man you love hiding? All husbands keep secrets from their wives, says Dr Oz. These 5 secrets men don’t tell women are based on a Men’s Health magazine poll, and include reasons why husbands aren’t completely honest with their wives.

Here, editor-in-chief David Zinczenko and relationship therapist Dr Laura Berman describe the most common secrets husband keep from the women they love, and explain why. Dr Berman is the author of It’s Not Him, It’s You! How to Take Charge of Your Life and Create the Love and Intimacy You Deserve. She’s also the host of a relative relationship show on the Oprah Winfrey Network.

If you find yourself unnerved or worried about the secrets husbands keep, read through the comments section below. You’ll find a variety of perspectives and opinions on the secrets husband hide from their wives – and you may find insight into your own marriage. Also, remember that one of the best ways to cope with anxious or uncomfortable feelings is to talk to your husband. A secret only has power if it’s kept hidden; it’s when secrets are brought into the light that they lose their power to hurt or destroy a marriage.

While you’re scrolling through these secrets from the Dr Oz show, remember that these “husband secrets” aren’t the same for every man. They’re simply the opinion of a relationship therapist and a men’s health writer. Your husband – and your marriage – may be very different than the ideas shared here.

What Secrets Do Husbands Hide From Their Wives?

“How well do you really know your husband?” asks Dr Oz. “Probably not as well as you think. Polls from Men’s Health and Women’s Health magazines reveal what’s really going on with your husband. And, the secrets husbands keep from their wives directly affect their health and relationships – for better or worse.”

These secrets men keep aren’t necessary signs your marriage is over – nor does it mean your husband doesn’t love you.

1. Husbands think about other women during sex

It’s their coping mechanism for being in a monogamous relationship, says Dr Berman. Men are programmed to spread their seed and be with different partners. Monogamy for life doesn’t come naturally to us, and variety is the spice of life and of a healthy love relationship. The fantasizing is a coping mechanism for being monogamous, and wives shouldn’t be offended by or worried about it. If it’s about an abstract person, it’s not a secret that wives should worry about. But if husbands are secretly thinking about their wives’ sister or best friend, it could become a problem in the marriage.

If you’re offended or worried about this secret husband keep, remember that men and women are different in many ways. One of the biggest ways is our attitudes towards physical intimacy, safety, and relationships.

“It’s a basic difference between men and women,” writes Sherry Argov in Why Men Love B**tches A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship. “Women want safety and predictability and men long for excitement, danger, and unpredictability. As a child, the nice girl played with Barbie and her Ken doll; she grew up with the mental image that she, too, would live ‘happily ever after.’ Little boys want nothing to do with the Ken doll—they identify with exciting figures who live dangerously, like Batman, Superman, and Spiderman.

Argov encourages women to ask mothers which child she finds more troublesome: a son or a daughter. Most mothers confess that boys are more difficult to raise than girls, especially if there are more than one. Why? Because for most men, safe equals boring. So men (and husbands) look for ways to add excitement and danger to their lives. They go out of their way to pursue things that are difficult. It’s this very element of danger that entices him to keep secrets from his wife.

2. Husbands have solo sex in secret

Almost half of all husbands keep this secret from their wives: they are intimate with themselves regularly. Zinczenko said men don’t want to show weakness, and it’s natural to perform the solo act because men have more testosterone. It’s nature’s way to make sure his physical reproductive mechanisms are in good working order.

Husbands keep this type of physical intimacy a secret because they may feel ashamed. They might think their wives would be offended or critical, or even hurt. But, Dr Oz says self-pleasure is a natural, normal part of a husband’s life — and it’s good for his health, too. It can even lower his risk of prostate cancer!

3. Husbands snoop through their wives’ emails and phones

Almost half of all husbands are curious about their wives’ lives, and check their wives’ computers and phones. Why? Because they feel unsure about where the relationship is going sometimes, and they’re uncertain about asking, says Zinczenko.

Dr Berman says it’s about trust. Both husbands and wives snoop, and it’s not necessary. Instead, married couples should have no secrets – they should have complete, total access to each others’ bank accounts, telephones, emails, etc.

4. Husbands think they are smarter than their wives

More than half of husbands think they’re smarter than their wives – and this is a secret husbands don’t want their wives to know! But, there are different types of intelligence and brain matter, which mean and women have different amounts of. Men have more gray brain matter, which allows them to focus on one thing. Women have more white brain matter, which allows them to communicate better and process information faster. This makes women better at relationships.

If you struggle with inferiority in your marriage, you’re not alone! I wrote When You Don’t Feel Good Enough for Your Husband in response to questions from several readers.

5. Husbands wish their wives brought home more money

Some husbands wish their wives were spending less money and contributing more money to the household. Women who stay home and take care of the kids are sorely underpaid, says Dr Berman. But, financial stress hits husbands right in the core of their manhood and can damage their sense of self. Money can tear your marriage apart, so you have to sit down together on a regular basis to talk about how money affects your marriage.

According to David Zinczenko, editor-in-chief of Men’s Health magazine, husbands keep secrets from their wives for several reasons. They’re embarrassed, they don’t want to show weakness, and they don’t want to upset or anger their wives.

Dr Oz’s Tips for a Better Marriage

  • Couples who are affectionate (hugging, holding hands, calling each other by pet names) are happier and healthier.
  • Wives, take responsibility for communicating regularly. Men don’t do this naturally, so women need to initiate conversations.
  • Arguing is good for marriages. Open fights keep couples together and happy – so let your anger out!
  • Couples should engage in foreplay for at least ten minutes before sex, to increase sexual intimacy.

If you think your husband is hiding his life from you, read 8 Secrets About Fixing Unhealthy Relationships.

What do you think of these secrets husbands keep from their wives? Comments welcome below! I can’t offer advice or help you figure out if your husband is keeping these secrets from you, but I believe that writing about your thoughts helps you gain wisdom and insight.

Marriage-Boosting Books by Relationship Experts

5 Secrets Husbands Keep From Their Wives

In Quantum Love: Use Your Body’s Atomic Energy to Create the Relationship You Desire relationship therapist Laura Berman describes the art of staying in love with your husband – even if you’re aware of the secrets he’s keeping!

Once the intense excitement of a new relationship starts to fade – and you settle into your marriage – you may think your only options are to somehow recapture that early magic or settle for a less than fulfilling love life. Not so! Relationship expert Laura Berman, Ph.D., taps the latest scientific and metaphysical research to offer an inspiring alternative: a higher level of love beckoning you to move forward, not backward.

In Why Men Marry B**tches: A Guide for Women Who Are Too Nice, bestselling author Sherry Argov offers girlfriend-to-girlfriend details and the type of heartfelt advice you would only get from a big sister. She explains why being an extra-nice “people pleaser” won’t necessarily make a man, boyfriend, or husband more devoted.

If you think your husband is keeping secrets because he’s not happy, read How Do You Help an Unhappy Husband?


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97 thoughts on “5 Secrets Husbands Don’t Tell Their Wives”

  1. Wow i feel horrible for all of you ladies that have posted here.
    Sex and the emotional bond of the act is so very important to me as a 52 year old male. All men have secrets and if we could just tell our lovers what they are and you could live with them then life would be great. Right??? Maybe. Lets say he comes home and says baby i want you to put on a bunny suit and i want to play the wolf or i will be the bunny and you be the wolf and so the act would involve wierd stuff but we as a married couple could indulge my playful ness or lets say i wanna play with matchbox cars and you have to play too ok or what ever it may be wouldnt that be better than playing the game of being love starved or hurt in a loveless relationship ? I know ladys want a normal home and kids and the perfect man i get it but from a man that has had many secrets that range from this to that by her accepting me and indulging in this and that has brought us together and bonded me for life with her and our sex life has exploded because i needed to know i was loved no matter what ..to a point lol.i know its silly but true.if you know a mans secret and he dont want to talk about it but you can live with it then greet him at the door with it and show him its silly to be alone with what ever it is.but if you cant live with it or he cant trust you with it…baby girl its time to move on and find your happiness. We Men do it all wrong all the time seriously we worry about
    1 ok she knows
    2 ok now we have kids will she be the same and be ok with it now?
    3 will she love me different or live with it to cheat
    And even now that she knows my secret maybe i can be myself around her more more often which ruins it for her and she sees it as a cheating or that secret more than her ? so basic rules of engagement is needed we are adults we love one another we need to have these talks and romance will follow secret trust is so friggen huge to us men HUGE. I pray for you all and ask that you find his heart and his love and life gets better for all of you women its hard im sorry for your pain and suffering

  2. I don’t have to think about any of this, my husband hasn’t had any intimacy or sex with me for over 40 years. He doesn’t like sex, thinks its disgusting and messy. We had sex on our honey moon and that was basicly the last time. He never explained his thoughts on what marriage meant to him. So from the beginning he always worked nights and I had a job during the day. We never had the same weekends his was tue wed and mine was sat sun. We were never together and he worked all his vacation time and holiday, and he distanced himself from our families. He never wanted kids,he said they grow up addicts on some kind of drug. This really hurt my feelings and all he said was I’m not having sex, there for no kids. He also said if I wanted kids adopt a puppy, but that I take care of it. He’s lived in our basement or out in his new work shop, garage, apartment area.

    1. Wow I have the same man as you! Although mine wanted sex
      And kids but after the kid arrived he didn’t want ANYYYYY
      Of the work or interaction children required.
      So he began wearing ear plugs after baby Home 3 days from Hospital.
      Then he started sleeping in outside storage bin area… we were Military so we moved a lot… like every 24-36 months.
      Each place he found hide out to recluse himself & only came and put on an act of sweetness TO GET SEX!
      He’s a monster! He uses me then kicks me tothe curb

  3. My husband and I have been married 36 years. There has been no intimacy in any way for a very long time . He has had open heart surgery years ago, which since then he says he can not have a ejaculation or is he interested in it . He has asked his Dr. about increasing his activity but his Dr. Says his heart couldn’t handle a medication.
    I have caught him doing very strange activities! I’ve asked if there is anything I can do and he seems unwilling to talk much about it . He doesn’t like me touching him and feels disgusted about me wanting to touch in any way.. there is so much more going on for the last 15-30 years , I’m lost to even want to be around him ???

  4. I have the most loving carring husband that would do anything for me,appart from a sexual relationship he says he fanceys me but ad an accident when he was younger and cannot perform sex in anyway at all.he dosent want me near other people and likes to keep me to himself,im is third wife but he wont talk about any of them he is 56 I’m 50 he dosent look at other women at all I don’t understand .kath,

  5. These are the most common secrets husbands don’t tell their wives, but what about the deepest darkest problems men struggle with? These are the secrets nobody talks about.

  6. Hi, i find the article offensive to women on many levels. First, men as well as women are not meant to be monogamous. Not just men. And it is not alright to think about other women during sex. A coping mechanism (as you are calling it) occurs when you have a difficulty (a tremendous one) in doing something. If a man has difficulty staying focused (which you said men were good at) on one woman, sorry you have a problem which needs to be fixed (I’m not talking about consented foreplay). Second, snooping through someone’s phone can mean a lot of things, specially insecurity. I can give you another reason why men snoop : they want to find something that they can use as leverage against the wife so that they can either sleep around or end the marriage or console their soles that their wife deserves cheating.(it’s both ways: women are no saints). Third, from which valid research has the writer found out that men have more grey matter and women have more white matter? And who explained what grey matter and white matter is responsible for? These are just the writer’s imagination, probably. The Y chromosome that determines if an individual would be male or female does not carry genes for forming grey and white matter. It gets influenced only in the case of a severe abnormality. Like you can’t live a conjugal life if you’re severely mentally or physically abnormal, your brain won’t function right if your reproductive system isn’t functioning properly (from birth). That’s why we’re a system where everything is responsible for the well being of our body. So it doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, your grey matter is decided by the genes you carry, as well as the microenvironment of brain during development. Fourth, EVERYONE WISHES THEIR SPOUSE BROUGHT IN MORE MONEY. Every woman wishes that. Yeah, men may wish their wives spent less on their appearance. But then again, if wives neglect their appearance, husbands snoop in other vaginas.

  7. I think I need a divorce. My husband has totally changed, we had a little misunderstanding that suppose not to cause a problem, but he abused me like iam no body and today makes it exactly two months that he stopped talking to me in the house not even greeting. He has stopped giving us money for food and other things and on a Sunday evening je came back late , I was in the sitting room watching tv and my phone rang due to the noise I entered the kitchen to receive the call it was my cousin from Kubwa immediately I finished with the call he came up and asked me who was that funny to me some one that has not been talking to me , I asked please why do you ask? He said if you ask me again I will slap you I said slap ! And he gave me slap three times, he pursued me out of our room and presently am sleeping in the children ‘s room. Our marriage will be five years by April and we have two girls age 4 and 2.

    1. Bukola, I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you and I see that all the replies ignored your heart wrenching message. Perhaps because yr name Bukola tells the people on this platform that you may not be as white and therefore as precious was others in this space. Bukola once he has started hitting you, this is not going to stop. Get out..and take your children with you. NOW. Please find a women’s rights and advocacy group to help you leave. But leave.

    1. Yes, husbands keep secrets from their wives!! They all lie, and they all need the attention of other women. Wives are more like their mothers and security blankets. It isnt that husbands dont love us, its that they will always be drawn to other women, ALWAYS. Intimacy and sex do not mean or feel the same for men, its more of a physical “act”
      You will think they feel like wives do about it, but they dont. Husbands can sleep with multiple women, lust and not skip a beat in their marriage. The compartmentalize every indiscretion and tuck away as it never happened and come right to the wife and carry on as usual! Why, cuz to them one has nothing to do with the other.
      Husbands rationalize it all, as long as they still love you, to them no harm no foul, because the other person is just to fill a desire, its raw lust, but with a wife sex is never on that level, they both are good, just will never itch that scratch like screwing other women. Trust your gut wives, youll excuse it or think that its just ridiculous and your wrong, but if you invest it, your going to find it, I promise. When you do find it, IT ISNT EVEN THE TIP OF THE ICEBURG, just be prepared for a life changing reality. I wish I had known the truth about men. As for it being encoded in their DNA TO SPREAD THEIR SEED , THAT IS BULL!! Thats the fall of man, tht is sin, NOT GOD’S DESIGN FOR HUMANKIND. He created ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN. .. AND WHEN HE FINISHED CREATED THE WOMAN HE STOPPED AND SAID IT IS GOOD!! IF men weren’t created to be monogamous then God would would have created more women for Adam to procreate with.
      I’m tired of men’s adulterous choices being excused and accepted as thats just what they do, husbands are wired that way … BULL, they allow themselves to give into SIN AND LUST …

      1. Wow you have said this exactly how I feel and in line with what I believe. Thank you for your comment…. I believe my husband has not gone as far at infidelity but certainly contacts other women who he sees need his help and who he finds interesting making me feel like rubbish that I can’t fulfill his need for female attention… I pray that he doesn’t let himself in to deep with their needs for his friendship and that that is all it remains!

      2. You are exactly tight. My husband gradually stopped having sex with me, for 14 years. We have been married 48 years. After recent lengthy discussions he admitted to individual pleasure our entire married life (including at work omg). Didn’t use the internet, but worse he fantasizes about every women he thought was attractive including friends of ours he actually liked. He robbed me of affection, intimacy that should have been given to me. I wish the Internet had existed back then so I would have known the nature of men. He fooled me well. I could have been perfectly content on my own with the occasional guy to satisfy me. Women do what you need to do to marry rich or get rich. Don’t ever fool yourself that your guy is going to stay attracted or loyal to you. And PLEASE warn your daughters about the secrets husbands keep!

      3. Absolutely true. Took me about 46 years of married life to discover this and it stinks. Would prefer not to be married at all but do believe in Gods plan and purpose so I can’t be an adulterer or fornicator so we women are a little stuck. But very good reason to marry rich if you can so at least get a little something to console yourself when all comes too light. Maybe it’s just better women walk around with their heads in the sans

  8. Articles like this about the secrets husbands keep from their wives contribute to the staggering numbers domestic violence, depression, suicide and divorce rates continue to soar. Deep seeded family childhood issues, medical, and social norms (like this article) distort expectations of sex. Personal counseling or call it quits. The end.

  9. Hi, I recently got engaged in September 2015 & planning a wedding for this October 2016. My problem started with my now fiance is in January 2014, my fiance was going to the gym pretty regularly & ran into a younger girl around 22 & we are in our mid 30’s, that he had hung out with a couple of times with mutual friends before he met me, knowing she had a boyfriend at the time never approaching her, but still thought she was hot & fantasized about her while pleasuring himself. The reason I know this know is bc I had found out he had been telling me lies about other females 6 months into our relationship. Let me go back & say that we had a very healthy sex life & he made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman to him. We feel madly in love with each other & I knew I had finally found my the man I was going to marry after all of these years. He had told me the same thing & asked me to move in with him, even though I had always been against that, but thinking since we were older & had never been married, I thought we were mature enough & should’ve known by now what we wanted in our future spouse. It felt right so I did move in with him & I was sure he was going to be proposing in at least a year from then. Everything was great until my gut told me something wasn’t right. I decided to ask him if there was anything he should tell me that he hadn’t been honest about. He tells me about an ex fling, nothing serious just someone to be with because of him being lonely, that she had been calling & texting him.
    I believe nothing happened because of her honestly, but I don’t feel he’s being honest if the reason he went up to talk to her was he was hoping to cheat on me or leave me for her? And is she still the reason why he won’t have sex with me anymore? He tells me he wants to marry me, we did not continue therapy unfortunately, but his actions don’t seem to match up with his words. I still have caught him in some lies & he tried to blame not having any desire for me on his Blood Pressure meds, but then how did he fell that way about her & he just admitted while working out of town last month he did pleasure himself once & reassures me he was thinking about me. But then why won’t he be intimate with me or talk about any of these things with the 22 year old, that’s when he started not wanting sex as often with me, to us going months without it. Now we’re getting married in 6 month’s & after talking till I’m blue in the face & saying I’m going to call off the wedding, he promises me he will but nothing has changed yet. Please help, I love him & he says he loves me & will never do anything like this again. I’m scared to death if I’m making the wrong decision.

    1. My husband hid things and kept secrets from me too and I married him anyway. We have a family, the house…the life….but we barely have sex…I feel he has hid a lot and I am not overly happy. I stay for my kids bc they love him. More recently I found FB messages with a woman that disturbs me…he bullied her and messed her up, according to her…I want to ask but then he will know I snooped. If I could go back…I would make a diff choice. If you have any second thoughts or any doubts…dont do it…at least not right now. Take your time…better to be confident than make a big mistake…if you do follow thru, just be careful.rushing kids…makes it 100 times harder to leave when the unhappiness sets in.

    2. U should think about it first… Cause if u marry him u gonna make a promise to b with him the rest of ur life, till death… Nd believe me I’m telling u for experience cause they told me nd I ignore nd I had to suffer the consequences cause till now I’m still going thru it I’m back with my husband my he did left me nd cause of fb friends he did what he did but I forgave him but after it’s hard cAuse the trust ain’t the same…. it’s gonna b hard…. so I say think about it hard nd think if u will b able to deal with that the rest of ur life or b with someone that will put first God nd than u than any other female than u should just wait till God gives u the right guy to b with u the rest of ur life….

  10. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Kerri,

    It seems normal that you’d be having feelings for someone else! We’re made for connection and intimacy, trust and companionship. If we don’t get what we need in our marriage then we tend to look for it elsewhere. This is one of the secrets husbands keep from wives, and that wives keep from husbands, because we don’t want to be vulnerable: we need to love and be loved.

    I guess you need to ask yourself if you want to continue in your marriage the way it is, for another 16 years. Are you willing to keep ignoring the lack of intimacy in your relationship? Is there anything you and your husband can do to work through your problems? Would you be happier alone, so you can build a healthy, committed, loving relationship with another man?

    1. Dear Laurie
      Thank you so much for your reply. I have struggled with my concience for a long time, but sadly I know in my heart how much I still dearly love my husband. The thought of being without him really upsets me, so I don’t think separation is an option for me.
      I am overwhelmed with pent up desires a lot of the time and need to resort to a sex toy and a good imagination for release and sexual gratification, as the alternative is not a road I wish to travel. The truth is I don’t want to be unfaithful, I just want my husband (how sad is that?) Interestingly my husband bought the ‘sex toy’ for me fairly recently, as I think our last disagreement may have started alarm bells ringing in his head, and I know he’s scared of losing me because he’s told me that much. I know he has always had a very jealous nature, and doubts where I go and who I’m with all the time, There’s no doubt in my mind that he loves me or he wouldn’t care so much, but it’s more of a platonic love than anything. He has no sexual desires whatsoever. He takes no part or has no interest in the ‘toy’ incidentally. I get the feeling it’s a peace offering more than anything, and at the risk of sounding ungratful for his gift, a way to keep me interested enough not to look elsewhere. If truth be known I have always blamed the excessive amount of alchohol that he used to drink before I met him and during the early part of our marriage. The sex was good but infrequent early on in the marriage, I just never expected it to stop so suddenly and completely when it did, and never gave up hope that the desire would return once he stopped drinking, although all hope is long gone now of course. If you knew my husband, you would know that Counselling is out of the question. He already thinks less of himself as a man. It’s enough that I know, but he would never resort to showing that side of himself to anyone else, not even a Doctor.
      It is a sad truth that I do desperately desire the intimacy of human contact, and although the sex toy may take the edge off, I always end up feeling empty and crying afterwards because I have no one to hold me. ‘To desire yet not be desired by someone you love, is the loneliest feeling in the world’ yet something I feel I have to learn to live with.
      As for ‘my friend’, I will still continue to have strong feelings for him however futile and pointless those feelings may be. He’s in my sexual fantasies all the time, I really wish it was my husband I thought about, but sadly it’s incredibly difficulate to have fantasies about someone you know doesn’t want you, and that you know in your heart never will……. I know I’ve tried :(

      1. I’m so sorry. I know the feeling. My husband had sex with me twice in 8 years. Mainly he felt rejected by me cause I did accept his feminine side, dressing as a woman and would go shopping instead. We are trying to talk, work things out. I love him but I miss more sex. I hope we can work it out. I’m not well and we are close to retirement and been married 25 years with children.
        So we are working on it. But the lack of intimacy and really being wanted is so hurtful. I would never cheat on him even though he has.

  11. I have been married for 21 years, and although I love my husband and would never be unfaithful to him, it plays on my mind that he hasn’t made love to me for the last 16 year of our marriage. I used to go to a lot of effort before (makeup, basque you name it) only to sit there patiently waiting for his ‘something’ to finish on the TV that he was watching (and there was always ‘something’) and then I always got the feeling he was performing out of a sense of duty. It got to the point where I told him that I was fed up of doing all the running and going to such great efforts, and that I wouldn’t any more unless he made a move first and at least let me know that he was interested………well that was 16 years ago, and I’m still waiting. I was only 38 years of age when my sex life ended. I have tried to broach the subject with my husband but he is frankly unpleasant about it and says it’s because of his diabetes (strange that comment, as he was only diagnosed 10 years which doesn’t explain the other 6 years) he then goes off into a sulk for days, and in order to break the horrible atmosphere I end up apologising to him for bringing it up just for a peaceful life! No matter what I say he makes me feel as if I have no right to make him feel ‘less of a man’ as he puts it, and I know if I were to even suggest counselling he would show me the door.
    Now I’m really worried because I have very strong feelings towards a good friend and Minister of mine, who I walk my dog with. He is totally unaware of my feelings towards him, and because I love my husband I wouldn’t dream of doing anything about it, but I am thinking and fantasising about my friend a lot, not just sexually but on an emotional level. I have no doubt he would be mortified if he knew how I felt, as obviously he believes in the sanctity of marriage as indeed do I. Should I feel guilty or are these emotions just a healthy outlet for my frustrations? Perhaps I should point out that I’m going through the menapause now as well, which is making me even more weepy and frustrated. I have thought about discussing it with my friend in his Ministerial capacity rather than as a friend, but naturally I don’t won’t to cause him any embarrasment or worse still lose him as a friend. What can I do if anything as I feel I am just crying in the wilderness and have been for a long long time:(

  12. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Rita,

    You’re right that you need advice! Your husband is doing more than keeping secrets from you…he’s abusing you emotionally and physically. I believe you when you say a lot of things have happened to you…and I want you to know that you do NOT have to live this way!

    Call a women’s support line. Find out what resources exist in your area. Get help in person. There are many women near you, in your community and city, who can help you and support you and show you the way out!

    Call for help today, and come back here and tell me what they said.


  13. Seems like I fall into the same pattern very over again . Got rid of one man because all he wanted was oral sex . I was his venting board when he was having problems with his girlfriends. Met a very nice man online blew me away how first spoke to me said he respected me . That didn’t last long . First date we for lunch said we connected . He shows up my be once week all he wants is sex. Then find out today he’s seeing two other women plus he’s married. Which I have to question since he doesn’t wear a wedding ring. Now I’m faced with the decision of saying goodbye because I can’t del with this . Was trying to change my life by Staying Positive Moving Forward. Just seems like I’m living my past over and over again.

  14. I have to say that I don’t agree with all the stereotypes here about men having more libido. There is a reason that romance is the highest selling genre of book-because women love sex just as much as men weve just been taught that we are not allowed to be open about that.

    I fantasise about other men all the time, I also have a good solo life. My husband on the other hand does all these things too but he can no longer be intimate in real life which I think is because of his addition to pornography.

    If men could be exposed to erotica that taught them how to connect emotionally and physically in real life then this could be helpful,but what is sad is that lots of men are only able to fantasise but then find real sex difficult.

    I too am careful not too read too much into women’s romance and erotica otherwise no woman would sleep with a man unless he was a male model.

    Just wanted to say guys that we have just as much desire as you but we often hide it even from ourselves and we worry more about the consequences, unwanted pregnancies etc so we tend to be a little more wary.

  15. Complete Honesty is very hard in any relationship , in a marriage especially when u have children to have secrets doesn’t serve you well. be strong have a 100% honest convo but be prepared to hear things that u don’t want to hear as like u your other half is not perfect and love doesn’t come with manual , however u need to prepared to be 100% honest too. It may be stressful to begin with but totally worth games are for short term, knowing someone inside out will give peace of mind and build trust

  16. I simply turn the tables on men. Not in a vindictive way but in a matter of fact way. Hopefully both grow up and treat the other as you would want to be treated. Boils down to respect. As for his fantasizing about other women you can’t control his thoughts nor can he. I’ve fantasized about another men but eh it’s not very interesting. I prefer reality. Anyway wives should not be so serious and Lighten up ; )

  17. I am Christian and wow Angela well put! I have been in a marriage to a serial cheater for 32 years and my body is racked with pain now from the stress. Please pray for my strength as I do daily.

  18. We both work, I’m a nurse & he’s a clerk at a hospital. I take care of all finances, pay all bills,prepare taxes. My husband does laundry. We both cook. He wakes the boys in the mornings while I get ready for work. We have zero intimate relationship. No hug. No kiss. No ex. I recently saw he’s been searching for past “crushes” on fb. Then noticed as far as 2 years back there’s not a single post about me on his fb page. We’ve been married almost 15 years. I’m upse. He says I need therapy.

  19. I’m sorry but this is all wrong…you say you are a Christian but obviously have no clue about the truth. You say that men are naturally compelled to spread their seed and its unnatural to be monogamous. Interesting. You sound like a new age scientist. I am not saying this as a personal slam or anything but you are teaching dangerous ideas and giving a green light to the brokenness we are dealing with in this world. You need to rethink your stance and really learn your bible. And yes I am an expert…I have read the entire thing in its original language and studied it in depth. First of all man and woman were meant for one another in a monogamous way since the creation of Adam and Eve. God ‘created’ marriage and its only mans weakness of the flesh which is gives into because he is not dying to it the way he is supposed to…that he sleeps around outside of his marriage. Marriage is a picture of God and His church and God is a jealous God for his bride. Making idols of other Gods or dabbling in other faiths is likened to being unfaithful as is men thinking on other women. Jesus confirms this when he says that even LOOKING at another women lustfully is adultery. This behavior is not only a sin but it is NOT natural. Men and do indeed look for and desire love and to be bonded with one another forever…yes temptation can come and especially this day in age but a man walking with God, which is the ONLY kind of man a woman should seek, would deny his flesh and be loyal to his wife even in thought. Dr Oz is a quack…when we start believing these ‘scientists and doctors” over God…which we have…we also see the collapse of the family, marriage, morals and society. The problem is getting worse and you as a Christian are only giving your readers what their itching ears want to hear. If sleeping around with many women and spreading your seed was so natural and healthy than tell me why it hurts so bad NATURALLY? Tell me why we feel things like jealously and hurt and why children growing up without fathers are a mess and filling our prisons? Think about it. Its NOT natural …its the devils lie! If a man only has so many resources, as all men do, even since the dawn of creation…how could he properly care for his children when they are spread out everywhere among various women? When he was in one cave caring for one family, his children in another cave were being killed by a bear! Today, most men could not properly care for the needs of children from his spreaded seed…all over the place! Most people struggle to care for ONE family! No men were NOT biologically built to go around making babies with many women…the fact that men desire this is because they are not walking in the spirit first of all and that because neither are women, we live in a pornified culture and our world is falling apart because of it. The bible says that in the end even the very elect will be deceived…I am seeing more and more lies in the church these days. They simply want to fill the pews and make the money…but the truth is…Gods word! Stray from that at all and all you have is lies.

    1. Amen! Yes sister in Christ. Thank you for telling the truth for God. I can feel His Holy Spirit speaking through you and it’s giving me tears of joy because all the lies and sin that goes on in this world break my heart and it is very joyful to see that someone out there knows the truth. I can feel the discernment of the Holy Spirit working through you. Amen!

    2. So why in the Bible, men had more than one wife, concubines, and children with various women? If the Bible is God’s Word, then its the truth. I thought only some men cheat, until my husband, who served with me in CHURCH, had a harem that I did not know about. I truly believe that men CANNOT be faithful and all of them cheat. My dad did, my grandfathers, my father in law, his dad, my friends husbands. Its time foe women to stop being silly and understand a man cannot be faithful to one woman, they are made to sleep with many women. Its in the BIBLE.

      1. If you’re Christian that mean you believe in Jesus and when Jesus came he came to save us all from the things like that. If you want and desire it strong enough the Holy Spirit will help you to be strong against these things. Jesus came to set us free and being free and chained to sexual things like multiple sex partners is not being free. The 10 Commandments it not commit adultery the Bible is a One book book. That’s why we must have to be taught

    3. You said this exactly as to how I feel. It is great to know that I am not alone. A man that is not living in the spirit of God will fall to temptation. We do live in a pornified culture and as a woman it has caused much hurt and pain as a child, teen, girlfriend, Wife and mother. My husband only denies things on this subject but I know it is happening. It has drawn the intimacy away and I can never tell if things are real or if he is fantasizing about some other woman. I get sick feelings often. We also live next door to his father and step mother who I think he desires and fantasizes about. I need him to confess to me. I can feel it. I am a very spiritual woman. He has lost his faith and we are growing apart. We have been together 7 years and have a 2 year old. He’s never interested in really being a family and interacting with us. I’ve found porn sites on his devices. He did admit that he looked at porn while I was pregnant too. I do not know how to get over this. He djs and always wants music . He likes the way the bass feels and wants to make other women dance and feel good while he gets his pleasure from it as well. Not to mention 18 and up dancing in bras and tutu. I am lost in what to do for our marriage.

      1. Woody wood, know that it isn’t because of you. Make a decision that will be healthy for you and your child. Pray and I think you hear God already. You can’t change people, only your own response to people. 7 years is a long time, but you are obviously still young enough to live a long peaceful life. I have found that marriage is the complete message about salvation. Whew! Get some council by yourself if possible to get strong first before you move forward with or without him. Jesus really loves you and so do I.

    4. Hello there, can you help me? I just need a Christian based opinion on my issue. I have been married for less than a year now and recently I found out that, my husband has been keeping his ex- girlfriend’s picture in the house. Well, I asked him why he brought her picture to our house after his status change and his response was, he didn’t have time to go through his pictures and get rid off it prior to moving to my house, but he will destroy it immediately.” So, I forgave him, and of course believed him when he came back and said there was no picture in the house. What really upsetting to me is that, I found the same pictures hidden in another location. He actually took the time to put it in a folder cover with a postcard and other disgusting stuff. Right now, I’m really upset, and confused because I’m not sure what his intentions are but as a God loving & fearing person, what do I need to do and how should I approach I this situation?

      1. Hi Nanny, I pray that things have gotten better for you these last few months. It saddens me how my married sisters are hurting from problems in their marriage. I can say that broken trust from the most important person in our lives besides Jesus, can sometimes bruise our trust in Him. The how could God allow my husband treat me this way, what did I do, am I not attractive, young, thin enough mentalities. God does not want us to be mistreated. You are special and ex should mean ex and not your problem that someone has to reach back into the past for whatever sick reason. Take care of yourself and know that it is your choice what you tolerate. Praying for you sis.

    5. Well put my sister. You brought tears to me. Thank you for making me feel not like I’m some weirdo for believing in what you just said. God is all about love and family. How could one man properly be a father to many kids by many different women?

  20. Men often say ‘why are you worried? He comes home to YOU’ as though his thought life with her is not important.

    Hear this men: women do not like being warm blow up doll m****rbatory equipment for the men they love and desire connection with!!! It is degrading and insulting to them. If you want to think of others you know where your hand is. Simple. Respect.

    Why get married? Gee…..

  21. Dear Jeanie,

    I don’t think you’re wrong to think this way! And it really isn’t a matter of right or wrong, it’s about how you feel in your marriage. If you’re not happy or fulfilled, something needs to change. If he won’t change, can you change enough to make your marriage worthwhile?

    Only you can answer that question. Your husband isn’t keeping secrets from you…he’s being honest. It’s now up to you to decide if you want to live another 30 years with him.

    I’ll keep you in my prayers. I’m a Christian, and I believe God directs us, guides us and loves us so much. He wants us to be happy and healthy.

    What do you think He wants you to do?


    1. Hi Laurie, It has now been a 1/2 a year since I posted that letter about my husband of 30 yrs. Obviously he kept his fantasy life secret for almost 30 yrs. The reason he told me was 3 months earlier he said he had stopped doing all of it, and wanted to clear the air with me & begin again. He said this time, he wanted deep & faithful committment “in his mind” as well as his body. He said that he had begun to believe that if you think like an unfaithful man, you are an unfaithful man. He began experiencing guilt over it & since we are in our 60s now, he didn’t want one of us to die with a horrible secret between us. Since then, I have seen big changes in him, for the better. I am still with him; I didn’t leave. I am happy that he has a new outlook & wants everything more intimate between us. He is sweet; he smiles more, shows more affection & is really an all around better guy. So, what’s wrong now, right? Well, I feel a sadness, an emptiness & a brokenness in me that just won’t go away. Many times when my husband smiles at me my eyes fill with tears & it’s not because I’m so happy now. It’s because that vague but powerful feeling of sadness comes over me. Sometimes I let my husband know, sometimes he notices & sometimes I succeed in preventing the tears. Am I going to feel like this forever? I feel like I am & I don’t think I can deal with this feeling forever. It makes me feel like there is nothing to live for & I don’t want to feel that way either. It scares me. Any advice would be more than appreciated. Thank you so much for answering me the last time. What you said was right on the money, & I know that.

      1. Jeanie, I hope you feel better. If it wasn’t for Jesus I would have lost my mind. However these things have long lasting effects on physical health. It is very much traumatizing to live this kind of life and for me knowing that I have to work on forgiving myself for allowing someone to steal away the best years of my life. Now after the party is over, they have had a ball in their lives and old n grey want to go to heaven feeling free of guilt and forgiveness from you.
        God loves you and you are a very tenacious woman and I pray that you can find joy now and future years for Yourself!

  22. Josh,

    I don’t know if your husband is mental or if he’s keeping secrets from you, but it sounds like you’re really unhappy. You can’t do anything to change him, but you can possibly change how you respond to him.

    The most important thing to take care of right away is your children! I don’t know how you can stop him from sending the kids to his brother’s, but it seems like it’s something you need to deal with right away. Your husband may not want to believe anything bad is happening at his brother’s, but you need to trust your gut.

    What has to happen in your life, to get you from where you are to where you want to go?

  23. I have been married for 7 years and from the time i got married i hated it, my husband changed towards me, I have 2 kids and he doesnt really bother with them. he only worries about his friends and his family, i havent had a night out with my friends in 8 yrs he refuses that I go out, im mentally and physically exhausted, i cant stand his face and i also imagine other mens faces when we have sex. its disgusting but true i hate him he wont let me take my kids and leave he has threatened me on a couple of occassions. he doesnt listen to me at all, he sends my kids without my knowledge to stay with his brother whose kids were recently found interferring with one another sexually i have told him on many occassions that my daughters should not stay there but he does his own thing, i am more then capable of taking care of my kids i would rather not let my kids stay with his bro on a weekend and protect my kids because once something happens they will be scarred for life, but he does not understand, is my husband mental?

  24. Dear Ame,

    Thank you for being here – and for adding your clarification! It makes a big difference.

    It’s normal for people – both men and women – to fantasize about others. It’s just part of the way our brains are wired, and the way our bodies respond to monogamy and marriage.
    I can’t speak for your husband or all husbands, but generally I wouldn’t worry about fantasies leading to affairs.

    That said, however, I think the weight issue is the root of the problem. You don’t feel good in your own skin, you don’t feel sexy or desirable, and you don’t love your body. THAT is a bigger problem than your husband’s thoughts about the neighbor! THAT — how you see yourself — is what could ultimately put a wedge between you and him. It wouldn’t be your fault if he strayed, of course.

    What would life be like if you started getting fit and healthy for YOURSELF? What would happen if you started making choices that make you feel good about your body and who you are? What if your goal becomes pleasing yourself, making yourself happy and healthy by losing weight and learning to love your body? The benefit of thinking this way – of creating a way of life that helps you lose weight and feel good about yourself – will be so attractive to both you and your husband, neither of you will be able to take your eyes off you! You’ll be happy, healthy, and whole.

    What do you think?

    In peace and passion,

    1. Thank you very much and i think you are right i’m the one with the bigger issue about my weight and ultimately i’m pushing him away because i’m uncomfortable! we have since resolved the fantasy issue and i’m ok with it. Now i’m working on me :)

  25. Sorry there asre few things i left out of my original post i think i should have pointed out. We were both over weight he lost 140 lbs and in that time i lostr a total of 12 lbs i’m still over weight and very uncomfortable in my own skin he says it does not bother him but the neighbor is thin like i used to be when we met last night we were atching a marriage show and they said openess and honesty is a man staple of a marriage, that is when he paused the t.v. and e began asking each other questions that we wanted honest answers too and then it started into a connfessions game with no judgement he said. one of the confessions was when he told me he sometimes fantasizes about our neighbor while we are being intimate sometimes. It didn’t bother me then but today i saw a video i as in and realized how revolting i look and then i thought That is why he is having fantasy’s of other women, If i can’t find anything attractive about myself how can he? Now i’m worried he may act on these fantasy’s :(

  26. My husband confessed to me the other night that he fantasized about our neighbor while we had sex sometimes, He said he would never act on it and cheat on me but it kind of hurt my feelings and i don’t want him to know that it hurt my feelings because i want him to feel he can always be open with me about things like this. Should i worry?

    1. looking at another woman lustfully is cheating…please don’t be fooled by these ‘scientists and doctors’ ….your husband needs to seek God and forgiveness and remove the issue…if he isn’t willing to do this than you are fully within your rights to end it. The woman who wrote this blog says she is Christian and I believe she has a zest for God but the truth isn’t in her…there is no condoning being unfaithful even in mind ….it is cheating…it needs to be handled. And please read my other post debunking the lie that its biologically programmed in a man to ‘spread his seed”. That is satans lies…God created man and woman to unite in marriage from the beginning of time…mans desire for flesh over spirit is why they cheat…

      1. then why do sooo many men cheat? Christian men. I’m not debating, I just don’t understand. I have never met a faithful man.

  27. Dear Amy,

    It sounds like your husband isn’t just keeping secrets…he’s shutting you out. He isn’t connecting with you emotionally, spiritually, and physically. How does that make you feel? Is it what you expected marriage to be like?

  28. I don’t know what kind of secrets my husband has, he hasn’t talked to me in about 10 years. Married 45+ years and he just ignores me. He has slept in the basement and worked the midnight shift for the same amount of time, so communication is something that never really happens. Since our wedding night he has hated me, sex, and every thing that marriage means. He just prefers to live like a hermit no TV,radio,computer,phone,newspaper or magazines or books. He only likes building things not our marriage just things made from wood or metal.

    1. Been married for 14yrs I’m 31. Just found out my husband jacks off to ALL women. Family friends loved ones. Also told me he’s done this in my bed while I sleep next to him. I’m broken and lost and don’t understand. How can u lay next to ur wife mother of ur 4 kids and think about other women and get off while I’m healing for child birth! I’m talking everyone! And he’s mad cause I’m mad! Wtf kinda love is that when ur desiring fantasies of other women in bed with me?

      1. Sweetie… first, calm down. If you can’t do that you need a counselor before you go off and do something stupid like divorce.

        Without quoting you I will address your concerns, starting with the biggest indicator you offer…. you are healing from childbirth (You are not available). He’s horny, you’re not ready, Or he THINKS you’re not ready. You also miss the main point about him beating off next to you in bed… he’s beside YOU, in Your bed. Hes not somewhere else.

        Re-read the article above regarding the reasons we men do these things. It’s all true.

        Now, you need to do some things. Tell him you love him. Talk less, listen more, get active; fit, and stay attractive to your husband. If your husband ever tells you that he wishes you were 20 or more pounds lighter he is telling you what HIS LOVE LANGUAGE is. Don’t complain. Take it at face value and act on it, if you love him.

        I am a man, married for over 20 years. I know what I’m talking about.

        Be wise and do the right thing for you and your husband.

        1. If ur referring to me he was else wheres! Beating off to other women and a joke men are dogs! If we treat men like they treat us they’d see just how fked up they truly are. I wasn’t over weight after child birth I weighed a mere 125lbs now down to 105 after 4kids. Men haven’t a clue and live this double standard life! Bout time someone puts them in there place! Men are sick and my husband for one has broken the “man code”! If wives knew what I knew I swear to u men would be lonely miserable bastards for eternity! That’s a promise! Men except us to hold up to marriage vows while they play games! Lawd I’m telling YOU lusting over other women while marriage WILL RUIN EVERYTHING!

          1. My husband has booby calendars hanging all over his shop and tells me that they ” remind him of what real women are.” While we were out at a hotel together. Also expects me to dress like these women for him. I’m 122pds. Theres a lady down the road that walks by everyday and he’s Always sitting outside so he can watch her and he stares at her in front of me. We can be out somewhere and any attractive women becomes his object, like i’m not even there. On top of it all, I recently keep hearing another phone beeping, one night we both heard it.. It was in our bedroom, before I could get up , he went in there and said, I don’t see one anywhere. Then stood there in the closet, waving his arms. I still hear it from time to time and its only when he’s around. He gets up at like midnight, goes out to his shop and comes back about 3hrs later and then goes back to sleep or gets on his laptop and in the private on it so I can’t see what he’s on. He even instigates fights with me so he can leave. When I confront him on anything, he gets mad and screams at, pushes me, slaps me, and smashs things and smashs my car. He tells me it’s in my head, I make myself believe these things. I’m a stupid b…. I think I need advice. I told him I want a divorce. He told me he’s not giving me one. For 20 yes, its been getting worse. I have a lot of things happen. Please tell me any advice.

        2. I have been married for 30 yrs & only recently learned that my husband does exactly what Jesse’s husband does. Every women is fair game for my husband’s sexual pleasure. The worst one he told me is he thinks of his “homely as hell” ex-wife, plus every women he’s ever been with or desired. Also porn stars, women in magazines, flyers, etc. Any & all women that turn him on. We are 60 yrs old & I am appalled that I have lived with a man like that for 30 yrs, raised children with him, and thought he loved me. I DO NOT call that love. Plus he is supposed to be a Christian. The Bible DOES NOT smile on such behavior. Obviously I love him but I also now hate him, both feelings. I really want to talk myself into leaving him because his behavior disgusts me & I can’t trust a man like that. I’m sorry but I believe there are men who have more honor & respect than this for their wife & marriage. Am I really wrong to think this way?

  29. Teri,

    Thanks for being here! It sounds like you’ve been through a lot with your husband – and it’s not a very fair marriage.

    What’s the first thing you’d change about your husband or your marriage, if you could change something overnight?

  30. By the way…..I didn’t mention we don’t even sleep in the same bed. His choice. Seems strange to live in the same house with my husband but live like roommates instead of married couple. I don’t get this. What has this world come to.

    1. It sounds like you have been unhappy for a long time. I’m sorry.

      It may be that you are too weak to leave this relationship and you need professional help.

      There may be reasons why he doesn’t want to sleep with you. Consider what responsibility you have in making things what they are, make amends where you can, forgive what you can, and if that doesn’t help… maybe you’d both be happier apart.

  31. I want to state that I am married to a womanizer for 40 years now. I must say that after this length of time he is worse now than when he was younger. He won’t let me go out with him socially. He goes out playing music and dancing, I’m not allowed to. He visits his friends who are all much younger than him….humm. He is never where he tells me he is going to be (which he rarely even tells me anyway). His life is totally his own. I feel like we aren’t even married. He seldom has sex with me and it’s always a quickie which I hate. I even threaten to get a boyfriend if he didn’t give me more attention. It’s none of my business what he does but I have to account for every minute. I’m not allowed to have friends or have a social life either. I can’t even have a facebook….you don’t have to go out for that. This man is 63 going on 15.

  32. I can’t believe Dr. Oz. I don’t buy this crap that men are designed to spread their seed. I am sick of hearing this bull crap. It’s men excuse to cheat. If they were created to “spread their seed” then God wouldn’t have said that he cleve only to his wife. Men need to get real but honest with themselves, they know this is a crock of bull. They should love their wife, not lust after other women, and take care of the children they have because they created these children they are responsible for the childrens well being and teaching them to grow up to be responsible adults. Men stop chasing women and looking for cheap thrills instead take care of your children, they are your responsibility and take care of the wife then you won’t need other women.

    1. Thank you for writing your post..I agree with you.
      Men needed to spread seed is wrong and
      So hurtful to their wives. I am separated
      After 22 years of marriage and trying to make
      Some sense of it. I am so heart broken that this
      Is the path my husband has taken.
      Husbands should be there for their wives.
      Looking to spread their seed is just wrong.
      Men who are like this dont make very good husbands.
      So many marriages are broken down because our
      Society seems to justify that its okay.

  33. Dear Amy,

    It makes me sad to hear you say that it is too late to create a happier life for yourself. I thought it was never too late to begin again!

    When I was in counseling, my counselor told me that we can find ways to be happy even in the midst of our unhappy situations. So, if you cannot leave your husband, maybe you can find ways to be happy in your marriage?

    I actually wrote an article about being happy in an unhappy marriage! If you like, I can post the link here.

    As for secrets…I think all men keep secrets from their wives, and all women keep secrets from their husbands.


  34. I don’t care if my husband has secrets anymore, nor do I care about him. He has deprived me of sex,intimacy,love,kids,family for over 40 years. He wouldn’t even sleep with me or have dinner with me. He lives in the basement and we haven’t communicated in years. I have tryed to live independently. Were in our 60s now and set in our lives, ihave to much invested in marriage,financially,great medical benefits and at my age the medical benefits are worth staying. I’m very sad that I got mixed up with this creep, but its to late.

  35. Hmm Dr Oz. why do men need foreplay with their WIVES if they can simply pull up some image they would rather see then enjoy what is before them? Why even need sex and intimacy in a relationship if your mind is elsewhere other than the one your with. Now I know my husband is a liar when he says he does not do this, and he does not fantasize about other women. He looks an awful lot tho so Im not sure what he is processing when he does if he says it doesn’t benefit him later. He is weak is what it is. He is a secretive weak guy. After 20 some years of marraige dontcha think I know this is getting old and ya need something more visually satisfying? I feel like if thats what you want and you dont act like you want sex from me that much anymore than how about we just coexist .. you take care of yourself to your ideal woman NOW and I will just watch some porn to get off. Its all much easier and faster anyway, besides I dont want to be his visual imagery warm hole anymore. I also thought that people were individuals but the more i read the more I hear men/guys are all the same. What a pity. Why dont I just pick a different one each week? It just doesn’t seem to matter anymore!

  36. Wow this article is very funny. I have read so many responses and it’s so clear that so many women are hurt by this article and upset with Dr. Oz for supporting these opinions.
    These doctors seem to think they know more than their creator. I believe in the word of God and the bible does not support that we should lust at people who are not our spouses while we have sex with our spouses, in fact the Bible calls this adultery: “Matthew 5:27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”
    This act is called adultery, I have also read men that women often do this too, so maybe the next time you are doing this while you make love to your wife, you should wonder who she is thinking about, your brother, friend, next door neighbor etc. This is a sin Dr. Oz and if you ask your wife she may agree with me and tell you how awful she feels when she does it to you. The secret is men don’t know it’s a sin and that woman does it too, and what we should do is ask God to forgive us and help us deal with the real issues.
    Why are we so prone to commit adultery in our heart? Is it because we are not communicating with each other? Is it because of financial problems? Is it because there are in-law issues that need to be resolved? Could it be because you are watching too much porn? Is it because your wife/husband is overworked and don’t have time to maintain their image, this may just mean that you need to help out more at home. Seriously, what you need to do is find out what is the root of the problem and deal with it. When you stand before God will you really tell him, “I am sorry, I thought it was normal because Dr. Oz said so!” open the bible and read it for yourself it’s a sin. I personally believe that masturbation is a sin; one pastor said it’s OK as long as you are thinking only of your wife while you do it. I am not sure what the word says about this, but if you lust at a woman who is not your wife remember you are committing adultery in your heart.
    Doc. Oz, why did God only gave Adam ONE wife? I guess you know more than him, God forbid, maybe he should have given him Eve, Denise and Portia He gave him one wife not two or three. Men decided to have more than one wives on their own. This was not something God approved. My so called dad has sowed his seeds all over, he never fathered me could not afford to be omnipresence. I had the privilege of being fed by foster parents, thank God.
    Are you aware that this is sad for many children, I taught teenagers for 7 years and grew up in a society that believe this lie, the sad thing is, so many children came to school hungry, so many girls had to prostitute themselves to help their mother to pay the bills, because you men who love to sow your seed cannot even afford to feed all your children, so you only end up feeding the ones with the woman who insist you have to, so many of the children never met their seed sower.
    My recommendation: Dr.Oz
    Do a study and find out why there is so much child trafficking, if these kids had active fathers, wouldn’t the father step in and protect them? Why are so many teenagers into prostitution, could it be that their daddy is busy making children all over the place, they forget they need to protect the ones they already have?
    I challenge you to take a look at child porn and find out how many kids involved have fathers who are sowing their seeds all over, and please let me know what you find out. I am sure you will be very embarrassed and shocked to find out that your simple theory is one of the key reason so many children are being hurt all over the world.

  37. This is in reply to Susan’s comment from April 6, 2012 at 11:32 AM: Let me get this straight: in spite of the fact that your husband sent a picture to his friend, he is never going to touch another woman, and you are withholding sex and not telling him why? Women like you should be alone and broke forever. I’ve heard of people’s helping an ex-spouse when he/she gets cancer or some other major health issue, and I approve of that. But if you were my ex-wife, I would never help you in any way, no matter what adverse circumstances, health or otherwise. (By the way, I am a gay man who never has been, nor ever will be, married to a woman.) This is not a straight/gay or man/woman issue, but only a human-being issue. Humans (using the word lightly, of course) like you are scum equal only to child-abusers, mass-murders, and torturers.

  38. Gosh, I cannot believe Dr Oz would even say it’s natural for men to be wh*res in mind or body. It’s a lie to say men can’t help but lust for other women. Men do those things because they get away with it because ‘experts’ say it is normal for men to go from one woman to another and of course the male population jump on that! Just like marriage is a verb, so is respect and love. If you think about others when you have someone, then you are not loving or being faithful to the one you profess to care about or love. There is no reason men cannot be faithful and not lead by their little head. It is a decision.

  39. As a man in his 30s, I have a different perspective. First, I think item one isn’t a secret, and I always assumed that any long term girlfriend I’ve ever had sometimes fantasized about other people. I don’t want to think about it, but it seems inevitable. Item two is just harmless; masturbation is incredibly low maintenance and easy compared with sex, and sometimes two people aren’t turned on at the same time. You know how sometimes you’re not necessarily opposed to sex with your husband, but you just aren’t up for the whole production? Well men are like that too. Provided he’s not preferring himself to you (and that’s a big proviso), this, too, seems harmless. The bottom line here is that I would never enter into a relationship where I was made to promise that I could never fantasize about anyone else, nor could I masturbate for the rest of my life, nor would I wouldn’t impose that condition on anyone else, and if I did, no woman I know would accept it.

    I’ve had relationships that lasted up to five years, and I’ve never been unfaithful in any of them. On the other hand, when I’ve been single, I’ve been “the other man” more times than I care to count. It’s not something I’m proud of, but as a man I don’t feel like I’m more programmed to cheat than the women I know, for the simple fact that I don’t, and they do. But the people I’ve known in my life are a small sample size, so take it or leave it.

    Item three: I’ve never snooped on any girlfriend’s email or IMs or facebook or phone mesages or anything like that, with the exception of relationships I’ve been in where my privacy has been invaded first. Again, it’s not something I’m proud of, but I won’t invade anyone’s privacy unless they repeatedly “to there” themselves. So while I would put the sexes equal in terms of their likelihood to cheat, I think women are far more emotionally inquisitive, and while that’s usually a good thing, when it’s bad, it takes the form of invading someone’s privacy. A typical male isn’t going to be as concerned with what his spouse is thinking all the time, so if he’s invading your privacy it either means he’s highly insecure in the relationship, or he doesn’t view you as an equal, and thinks his judgment and curiosity trump your right not to have to expose everything you say or think to him. So I’d sum it up this way: women are more likely to snoop; on the other hand, if a man snoops, he usually has more insidious motives.

    Item four: Guilty! People in general think they’re smarter than they are, and men in particular are a thousand times worse. And this isn’t even counting the actual chauvinists.

    Item five: I have no idea – I’ve never been married.

    I guess I felt this thread could benefit from a male perspective, as Dr. Oz is simple excerpting somoeone’s book. Never forget that everyone is different, and these “Five things men don’t want you to know” or “Seven secrets women keep from their husband” lists aren’t worth the virtual ink they’re printed on. If you demand respect and honesty – and don’t accept anything less – things tend to work out.

  40. I want to comment on Candace’s comment first, by saying BRAVO!!! If Candace ever comes back to this site (which I doubt) to read replies to her comments, I hope she reads this: Candace, you are ABSOLUTELY 100% CORRECT.

    It is a “crock” that men are “programmed to spread their seed.” That is an evolution-based, biologically unsound line of BULL that we’ve been fed for a long time in our “educated” system we call ‘medicine’ & ‘science.’ Men were programmed (from the beginning) to be with one woman (one flesh) and to create families. Men DO struggle with lust more, and do have higher testosterone (which makes them, in general, desire sex more often). BUT, it is completely UNnecessary for them to fantasize about other women in order to “accept (or deal with) the idea/reality/choice of being monogamous.”

    Now for my own comments on the other points Dr. Oz made about husbands and their secrets. The number 2 secret was repulsive and also makes me nauseated. It’s not the act itself that made me so upset to hear about (though that is repulsive as well)- it is DR. OZ’S ridiculous comment about how men going solo helps to prevent prostate cancer!! He did NOT explain that little ‘misleading’ medical fact, so it will easily MISLEAD many men and woman into thinking it’s a positive, healthy thing for men to “go solo” because somehow it prevents prostate cancer!!! BULL-ONEY, and here are the facts:

    Sex and orgasm (frequent) help prevent prostate cancer. Dr. Oz’s comment made it seem as though that act prevents this type of cancer, which is false. Men could simply go to their wives more frequently for sex and (provided their wives are willing) have the EXACT same results and rates of prevention. Dr. Oz should’ve explained this better, as the lustful thoughts that accompany it (just like the fantasizing men do during sex with their wives) ARE damaging to the relationship, even if men don’t realize it.

    Women sense things in their guts, much as the general public (and especially men) like to pass off. We know and sense the distance created by “cheating in the mind” (& heart), whether during sexual intimacy, by way of men going solo, or by way of porn (internet, magazines, or strip clubs). Women don’t always let on (& some women are VERY unaware or desensitized to their own ‘gut’) that they can feel the emotional barriers. Sometimes women don’t even know why they feel emotionally distant from their husbands, and they frequently feel it’s lack of communication, or a man pulling away from them that is the problem. (It is usually NOT the case.) MEN’S CHEATING in the mind/heart is the basis for many, many unresolved relational conflicts, more than this country’s medical (& psychological) professionals will ever admit or be aware of.

    It’s time for women to take a stand & for men to start becoming true, 100% MONOGAMOUS mates. If men were 100% monogamous in every way (thoughts, feelings, & behavior), I believe it would become evident in the reduction of our divorce rates. It can’t be proven with statistics because cheating in the mind (& on the computer, etc.) is so private, so secret, & so impossible to gain 100% truth in compliance with, that statistics will never be accurate (about the reasons for divorce, the rates of infidelity, etc.).

    But, I’m convinced that almost every marital problem starts with the small seed of infidelity (thoughts and/or emotions). Women respond to things they don’t know about (but can sense), but they still respond nevertheless. A woman’s response may make men pull further away (whether a woman gets depressed, more needy, more clingy, or simply goes to live her own life, and quits needing her husband at all), but women don’t generally pull away at all until a man does something that puts a barrier (silent & secretive as it may be) up in the first place.

    I’m NOT blaming men for all the problems in marriages- let me clarify that I believe MOST problems START with a seed of infidelity in some shape or form. Men CANNOT argue this if they dig deep and admit (to themselves if to no one else) that they are rarely (if ever) remaining 100% faithful to their marriage in every single aspect.

    If doubt there is even one man in America that could come on here and (before GOD) be able to state (completely honestly) that he is faithful to his wife in every way, all the time (thoughts, emotions, fantasies, media, etc). It’s practically impossible.

    As far as the other 3 secrets, if men took care of the first two (fantasizing about other women during sex, and “doing it solo”), most marriages would be a lot better off, and we’d probably resolve a great majority of the divorces taking place today.

    Good luck in your marriages, everyone. Women, you do NOT have to accept the above advice (the 5 secrets) as being ‘harmless.’ Men fantasizing during sex with you (& doing it ‘solo’ while they fantasize about others), IS harmful to the relationship. MEN, if you recognize this and change these two behaviors, you will be happier in your marriage, and your wife will be too. It will affect every other area of your relationship.

  41. Oh my gosh I am so sorry I signed up to receive emails for this. Every time I see another comment, I want to spit nails. I’m going to unsubscribe to this after I post this one last thing. Because, I cannot stand to live life knowing that men are like this. I think about it daily now and something tells me this is not at all healthy living. I would rather not be sexually with a man again as long as I live after knowing the 5 secrets. There is just no way to go back to stupid after someone shows you the answers. I don’t care for the other 4 secrets, but I’m only going to address the first.
    I’m going to state that the first secret explanation is a male, one sided crock!
    “It’s their coping mechanism for being in a monogamous relationship, says Dr Berman. Men are programmed to spread their seed and be with different partners. Monogamy for life doesn’t come naturally to us, and variety is the spice of life and of a healthy love relationship. The fantasizing is a coping mechanism for being monogamous, and wives shouldn’t be offended by or worried about it.”
    Who the hell does this DOCTOR think they are to be giving out this type of crap explanation!?? Men were CREATED to join with ONE woman from the very beginning! Even science has proven what family values do for raising children, and is NOT at all supported by having many sexual partners to “spread their seed”. There is NO WAY that back in the dawn of humans, men left their partners to “spread their seed”!! They left to hunt and bring back food and skins for their own families.
    One: what would a woman do to support herself and other children while her man is out making other families out there???? She evolved to be small and much weaker than men because he was always there to feed and protect her, so size wasn’t needed. Two: How could this ONE man support so many women and children and be there for all of them all the time??? Men were designed to be the protector and provider for the family. This is why his body was designed bigger and stronger than women to handle the job. How can he do this if he’s off breeding all over the place? How could one man protect all the women and children that would be around if he was fulfilling every sexual urge he had??? (Birth control has only been around for what… 40+ years? Spontaneous novelty sex has done nothing but produce unwanted pregnancies (children) since forever. Children that are not properly taken care of because there isn’t a proper family unit in place.) Spreading seed is for ANIMALS. Not humans. Most female animals are designed to handle dangerous situations without the need for male protection. They are very capable of defending their young on their own. In these cases, the female has evolved to be larger than the males to ward off predators from their babies on their own.
    So you see, there is absolutely NO reason OR excuse for a man to entertain his thoughts with other partners while engaging in sex with the love of his life, HE chose in the first place to couple with. Any thoughts of other women are just part of the good and bad in all of us, and the bad thoughts simply needs to be rejected! Bad thoughts are a danger to the family unit. After all, you have a woman! What is the point in running other women through your head with that in mind??? Ungrateful idiot! Disrespectful and unloving. Even animals know that finding a female and getting to breed with her is lucky. But not a human man???, he feels he is entitled to have more and more and doesn’t appreciate what he’s got right there in his arms! Stupid. … Those thoughts should NEVER be embraced as an acceptable fact of life. It goes against the grains of what we are.
    Any smart woman would never disrespect herself by endorsing such a male bs excuse for variety. And finally we have three: Jealousy arises between other females wanting their man to spend as much time as possible with HER children…so having many partners to spread seed has never been proven that this was the way, and it simply just doesn’t work! There was a time that this practice was necessary to populate, but hasn’t been needed for thousands of years. And that’s the biblical explanation after the flood….what reason would there be for evolution?? Was there some evolutionary reason to hurry up and populate the planet? There wasn’t. So the theory for spreading seed is BS! Even if I could give credit to such a theory, why would the instinct still be there this late in time? I am going to state that this is a terrible excuse for a man to have novelty! Give me a break! If this were supposed to be okay to do, there wouldn’t be such a thing as family, provision, or a need for feelings what so ever!
    Take this crap off the internet. I’m done with halfwits like this giving us bogus advice! Don’t listen to this crap men! There is a better way that is full of love and comfort with one woman for you, and you’ll never get there if you believe the lie and chase your fantasies. Even if you are physically faithful to your woman, but your mind is otherwise engaged in thoughts of another, you are stealing away from your woman what rightfully belongs to her. ….which is you….all of you. Until you get this aspect of love, you will never be satisfied. Good luck.

  42. My husband and I went to Hawaii with friends, he was texting alot all the time so one day I checked his messages and he had sent a picture of a girl taken at the airport in very short shorts and high heels and sent it to his friend and said HOT. Than I check another time and he was telling him about his fantasy about all tha babes on the beach, hot tub, pool and how his shoot was a big load. I can’t stop thing about all the thinks I have found on his messages. We have been home for over a month and I can even let him touch me and he has not asked why.My heart is breaking because I did thing he was my soul mate, we are in our 50’s and have been married before. needless to say every time he talks about his friend I cringe.

  43. Hi,
    I am a divorcee with an 8th year old son. I’ve learned a lot through my past experience. I was once had a bad relationship with my ex-fiancee for 6 years. Lesson learned whereby he is a womanizer or casanova during the time until now-although he is married now with other lady. I was a naïve girl born scorpio, didn’t realize that gemini was not a suitable or compatible to each other. I was hurt badly with his longtime secrets that he kept from me but now I am completely alright and motivating myself as life goes on. I am now, at peace and happy with my life, never feel better than this.

    As for me, if a man can have his secrets, so can we as their partner. I simplify my life, think like a man. If a man can do what he wants, I can do too. If he feels insecure and unsure about where the relationship goes, a mutual talk and discussion for both party needed and what I would sugggest; MAYBE a pre-nups would be the very best solution. A pre-nups can be a lifetime reminder and security for both party as both sides have their own weaknesses. We are not SUPERHUMAN, but just a normal human being that needs to live by understanding partners in and out completely. That is a FAIR DEAL assurance in an institution called marriage.

  44. I’m offended by the first comment on this page, by “AC”. Please play back your words to yourself! You came together with a man while he was married! His marriage was “crumbling”, well, are all the marriages crumbling out there?? You’re “upset” because they want to stay in touch with each other? Is that because you know they still love each other?? People shouldn’t intrude on marriages no matter what state they “think” that person’s marriage is in! You’re with a cheater, have fun with that.

    1. Couldn’t agree more! Shocking how she can actually expect sympathy after sleeping with a married man, & ultimately destroying the marriage without a split second of thought as to how destroyed & devastated his wife must be not to mention their children! I have many,many names coming to mind that describe What! she is & I’d love for her to have to suffer the same agonizing,heartbreaking,painful torment that she caused his wife to feel ! That kind of pain is so deep that it feels as if that person died & to imagine life without them no words can describe… some people see it as no big deal but those people are most likely damaged with no sense of real love or haven’t experienced being cheated on.

  45. I am engaged to a man that is truly wonderful to me in EVERY way but one.
    We came together after many years of freindship during a time when his marriage was crumbling – which of course causes the ex to blame me. (And if I were in her position, I could understand that.)
    We have been together over a year and though I attempted to reach out to her – they share a daughter which is around me and my children – she refuses to allow it. She does not bad mouth me or act ugly toward the child, and has even met my daughter and was very polite and nice to her…so I dont consider her “TOXIC” but she constantly texts, emails, calls my soon to be husband, and though I understand children mean communication is a must…it is to the excess of every hour beginning first thing in the morning and going all day.
    I tried talking to my fiance about it, but he says he feels guilty because he is happy and she isnt and thinks there is nothing wrong with being her friend when they have a child together and I will have to be the bigger person and try to understand.
    I am truly trying but it is really annoying that she is constantly trying to maintain a hold on him. Is this more normal than I realize? They have been divorced over a year now, and while I have tried to be patient, It is causing stress between us.
    I want to be sure I am not just over reacting, here. Please, any advise?

  46. What is it classified as when a marital partner snoops (in my case hacks) into my personal email and then distributes it amongst friends family and community members all without me knowing about it. Also on a similar line, what is it called when you are having a personal conversation with someone via email and unknowing to you that person is forwarding the mails other persons…. Are there any rights within a marraige to expect conversations to be personal and not for broad public disemination. Also I’ve heard that it is one of our basic human rights to have private communication, what does a person contravene if they are given a communication that is private and not for themselves and yet they read it knowing full well that they are contravening anothers right to privacy?

  47. Dear Mary;

    I completely understand the emotional hurt that you feel. I too go through the same thing. I have been dating a wonderful man for almost two years ( no where near as long as you), and we have such a fabulous connection, but….
    My partner does the same thing. It has caused so much anxiety and stress, and I am thinking of leaving the relationship. He forwarded his x an article about living together apart?? On his b-day, he text his x and thanked her for the lovely gift, and made a comment that she looked great tan? I have confronted him, and he knows it hurts me, but he can’t answer why he does it. It’s not often that he sends those types of messages,
    but he is still connected. I’m beginning to think it’s out of guilt. I told him that he sees her through rose coloured glasses now, because she’s happy. Why shouldn’t she be? He pays for EVERYTHING…. even her holidays, and she does not have to worry about doing his laundry, cooking for him, cleaning up after him..or any other couple related tasks. I know he loves me a great deal, and would do anything for me and my children. His job is very stressful, and consumes him completely. My mother told me that I need to get thick skin and communicate with him, but not harp on him. I believe I give him my all, not to mention make a huge effort when his kids come to visit. I was hoping the answer would be time? I can see from your article that’s not necessarily the case. I think communicating in an open, honest, kind way is all we can do.

    All the best,


  48. I have a very different situation in that my husband has a quite amicable relationship with his ex-wife. He left her for me 10 years ago and we have been married 3yrs. She has never met me and although I have tried to communicate with her and get to know her – she is still very bitter. My problem is my husband is in regular contact with her and has been for most of the 10 yrs and alot of this has been behind my back. Therefore he has lied to me when I’ve asked him if he’s spoken to her or seen her. His reason is he wants to keep the status quo and keep her sweet but it doesn’t affect our lives. We are extremely happy barr this one area. He doesn’t seem to understand the lies and deceit are almost like cheating on me although I’m 99.9% sure there is no physical side between them. His two children are 33 and 30, but he says he does alot of it for their benefit and because he still feels guilty – after 10yrs. I have a reasonable relationship with his daughter and her two young children. My problem is having found out several times that he has phoned, texted or seen her behind my back, and blatantly lied about it, I’m having a hard time trusting anything he says. We get on incredibly well in every other way and I know he loves me, so it hurts even more to know he feels he has to lie to me. Also I have tried to be very understanding over the years about their contact, he attends all the ‘family’ occasions, weddings, christenings, grandchildren’s birthdays without me and she is there, so it isn’t as though I’ve stopped him communicating with her. Which is why it is so hard to come to terms with him doing it behind my back, it’s as though it isn’t enough the contact I know, he needs to give her more. I have two grown up children from my 1st marriage which ended when he committed suicide over 10yrs ago. Therefore my husband doesn’t have to deal with any issues from my exhusband! My two grown up children have been brilliant and supportive throughout. Any advice welcome.

  49. My husband is a womanizer but doesn’t reconize that fact. Woman absolutely love him. He is an older man who keeps himself in top shape. He dresses like a model (very clean) love to tlak and socialize with woman. He refuses to wear his wedding ring he said if he wnats to cheat wearing a ring would not make a diiference. He goes danceing to the spanish clubs and will attend church without me. Of course we know churches are filled with mostly woman. He is such a charmer that woman just naturally fall for him they just think he is the sweetest and kindess person. Even people in his family beleive that and I don’t want to say that he is a bad person but, he doen’t treat me like he treats woman on the outside. I am his 4th marrigae most people don’t know that. He says he doesn’t want to be with me anymor because I am to jealous he feels I need to see a head doctor. I told him I would go if he would go with me. He refuses he says I am the one that is sick not him. In the mean time I am tired of hearing from other woman what a sweet guy he is! I guess divorce is my answer becasue I cannot suffer this anymore.

  50. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Tracy,

    I’m sorry to hear how your husband is relating to his children, and to you. I don’t know what secrets he’s kept from you – his wife – but maybe that doesn’t matter.

    Have you talked to a counselor about why you’re so attached to your husband, after all he put you through?

    I was curious why women stay with husbands who keep secrets, tell lies, and betray their wives. Here are a few reasons:

    Why Do Women Stay in Loveless Marriages and Bad Relationships?

    I think you need to do some digging into your own heart and soul, and figure out why you still have feelings for your husband. Maybe it’s just because he is the father of your children, and he did have a very real place in your heart. But why can’t you let him go?

    This article may help:

    How to Let Go of Someone You Love

    I welcome your thoughts, there or here.


  51. Husbands with secrets, well I am certainly experienced with that. My second husband is far from a womanizer, he also really not into sex much either, but he is a caring family man and from what i have had with my ex husband, I am not prepared to give my husband up over the lack of sex.
    My ex husband played the field so many times, even went as far as computer dating to a girl in Austria just to get his fix. I was a beautiful wife, and very sexual, so never understood his reasons, but my love for him was like no other, i was so in love that when we split, i had a nervous breakdown, and still 10 yrs on, i am not over him even though i re married. He has had many relationships since me none lasting more than couple of yeaars, he remarried, but one month after ran off with another girl from up north. Since he met someone else who seems lovely, but still its early days. We share 4 children together, he left me with 4 beautiful children two yrs age gap between them all and at the time youngest only being 5 yrs old. I admit i went through hell and back because his parternal instincts did not show and he spent his life on drugs clubbing and meeting women. Now all my children have grown up, he see’s them all once every few month’s but the love and closeness still distant. I would like to know how after 10 years i can honestly say i still have feelings, makes me mad because he was awful to us.

  52. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Jennifer,

    I’m sorry I missed your comment until now! It sounds like you’ve been through a lot with your husband — but you’re on the road to re-gaining your self-respect, identity, and confidence.

    If you’d like to share your story here in the comments section, I welcome you!


  53. “But, there are different types of intelligence and brain matter, which mean and women have different amounts of. Men have more gray brain matter, which allows them to focus on one thing. Women have more white brain matter, which allows them to communicate better and process information faster. This makes women better at relationships.”

    Not even remotely true. Please do not make up BS and try to pass it as fact.

  54. I’m a single mother 40 years old. I’ve had a major downfall in my life. I’ve meet a womanizer in the past. Today I have a child with him. Im going through a custody battle with him, over our daughter. I’ve allowed myself to be incarrcerated behind him. I’ve lost my self respect, motherhood and being independent again. Today I’m stuggling tying to get my life back on track. I need someone to hear how I got myself in this situration. If possible I want to publish my story. I cant believe I’m in this situration. Please answer.