What is the man you love hiding? All husbands keep secrets from their wives, says Dr Oz. These 5 secrets men don’t tell women are based on a Men’s Health magazine poll, and include reasons why husbands aren’t completely honest with their wives.
Here, editor-in-chief David Zinczenko and relationship therapist Dr Laura Berman describe the most common secrets husband keep from the women they love, and explain why. Dr Berman is the author of It’s Not Him, It’s You! How to Take Charge of Your Life and Create the Love and Intimacy You Deserve. She’s also the host of a relative relationship show on the Oprah Winfrey Network.
If you find yourself unnerved or worried about the secrets husbands keep, read through the comments section below. You’ll find a variety of perspectives and opinions on the secrets husband hide from their wives – and you may find insight into your own marriage. Also, remember that one of the best ways to cope with anxious or uncomfortable feelings is to talk to your husband. A secret only has power if it’s kept hidden; it’s when secrets are brought into the light that they lose their power to hurt or destroy a marriage.
While you’re scrolling through these secrets from the Dr Oz show, remember that these “husband secrets” aren’t the same for every man. They’re simply the opinion of a relationship therapist and a men’s health writer. Your husband – and your marriage – may be very different than the ideas shared here.
What Secrets Do Husbands Hide From Their Wives?
“How well do you really know your husband?” asks Dr Oz. “Probably not as well as you think. Polls from Men’s Health and Women’s Health magazines reveal what’s really going on with your husband. And, the secrets husbands keep from their wives directly affect their health and relationships – for better or worse.”
These secrets men keep aren’t necessary signs your marriage is over – nor does it mean your husband doesn’t love you.
1. Husbands think about other women during sex
It’s their coping mechanism for being in a monogamous relationship, says Dr Berman. Men are programmed to spread their seed and be with different partners. Monogamy for life doesn’t come naturally to us, and variety is the spice of life and of a healthy love relationship. The fantasizing is a coping mechanism for being monogamous, and wives shouldn’t be offended by or worried about it. If it’s about an abstract person, it’s not a secret that wives should worry about. But if husbands are secretly thinking about their wives’ sister or best friend, it could become a problem in the marriage.
If you’re offended or worried about this secret husband keep, remember that men and women are different in many ways. One of the biggest ways is our attitudes towards physical intimacy, safety, and relationships.
“It’s a basic difference between men and women,” writes Sherry Argov in Why Men Love B**tches A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship. “Women want safety and predictability and men long for excitement, danger, and unpredictability. As a child, the nice girl played with Barbie and her Ken doll; she grew up with the mental image that she, too, would live ‘happily ever after.’ Little boys want nothing to do with the Ken doll—they identify with exciting figures who live dangerously, like Batman, Superman, and Spiderman.“
Argov encourages women to ask mothers which child she finds more troublesome: a son or a daughter. Most mothers confess that boys are more difficult to raise than girls, especially if there are more than one. Why? Because for most men, safe equals boring. So men (and husbands) look for ways to add excitement and danger to their lives. They go out of their way to pursue things that are difficult. It’s this very element of danger that entices him to keep secrets from his wife.
2. Husbands have solo sex in secret
Almost half of all husbands keep this secret from their wives: they are intimate with themselves regularly. Zinczenko said men don’t want to show weakness, and it’s natural to perform the solo act because men have more testosterone. It’s nature’s way to make sure his physical reproductive mechanisms are in good working order.
Husbands keep this type of physical intimacy a secret because they may feel ashamed. They might think their wives would be offended or critical, or even hurt. But, Dr Oz says self-pleasure is a natural, normal part of a husband’s life — and it’s good for his health, too. It can even lower his risk of prostate cancer!
3. Husbands snoop through their wives’ emails and phones
Almost half of all husbands are curious about their wives’ lives, and check their wives’ computers and phones. Why? Because they feel unsure about where the relationship is going sometimes, and they’re uncertain about asking, says Zinczenko.
Dr Berman says it’s about trust. Both husbands and wives snoop, and it’s not necessary. Instead, married couples should have no secrets – they should have complete, total access to each others’ bank accounts, telephones, emails, etc.
4. Husbands think they are smarter than their wives
More than half of husbands think they’re smarter than their wives – and this is a secret husbands don’t want their wives to know! But, there are different types of intelligence and brain matter, which mean and women have different amounts of. Men have more gray brain matter, which allows them to focus on one thing. Women have more white brain matter, which allows them to communicate better and process information faster. This makes women better at relationships.
If you struggle with inferiority in your marriage, you’re not alone! I wrote When You Don’t Feel Good Enough for Your Husband in response to questions from several readers.
5. Husbands wish their wives brought home more money
Some husbands wish their wives were spending less money and contributing more money to the household. Women who stay home and take care of the kids are sorely underpaid, says Dr Berman. But, financial stress hits husbands right in the core of their manhood and can damage their sense of self. Money can tear your marriage apart, so you have to sit down together on a regular basis to talk about how money affects your marriage.
According to David Zinczenko, editor-in-chief of Men’s Health magazine, husbands keep secrets from their wives for several reasons. They’re embarrassed, they don’t want to show weakness, and they don’t want to upset or anger their wives.
Dr Oz’s Tips for a Better Marriage
- Couples who are affectionate (hugging, holding hands, calling each other by pet names) are happier and healthier.
- Wives, take responsibility for communicating regularly. Men don’t do this naturally, so women need to initiate conversations.
- Arguing is good for marriages. Open fights keep couples together and happy – so let your anger out!
- Couples should engage in foreplay for at least ten minutes before sex, to increase sexual intimacy.
If you think your husband is hiding his life from you, read 8 Secrets About Fixing Unhealthy Relationships.
What do you think of these secrets husbands keep from their wives? Comments welcome below! I can’t offer advice or help you figure out if your husband is keeping these secrets from you, but I believe that writing about your thoughts helps you gain wisdom and insight.
Marriage-Boosting Books by Relationship Experts
In Quantum Love: Use Your Body’s Atomic Energy to Create the Relationship You Desire relationship therapist Laura Berman describes the art of staying in love with your husband – even if you’re aware of the secrets he’s keeping!
Once the intense excitement of a new relationship starts to fade – and you settle into your marriage – you may think your only options are to somehow recapture that early magic or settle for a less than fulfilling love life. Not so! Relationship expert Laura Berman, Ph.D., taps the latest scientific and metaphysical research to offer an inspiring alternative: a higher level of love beckoning you to move forward, not backward.
In Why Men Marry B**tches: A Guide for Women Who Are Too Nice, bestselling author Sherry Argov offers girlfriend-to-girlfriend details and the type of heartfelt advice you would only get from a big sister. She explains why being an extra-nice “people pleaser” won’t necessarily make a man, boyfriend, or husband more devoted.
If you think your husband is keeping secrets because he’s not happy, read How Do You Help an Unhappy Husband?