How to Overcome Your Obsession With Your Husband’s Affair


Your husband cheated, and you want to stay married – but you’re obsessed with thoughts about his affair. Here are six ways to cope with the feeling of betrayal and rebuild your marriage.

First, it’s important to remember that an affair isn’t something you just “get over” – no matter how well-adjusted, secure, or healthy you are. In How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To, Janis Spring offers step-by-step, concrete instructions that help you make peace with your partner and yourself. This bold and healing book offers step-by-step, concrete instructions that help us make peace with others and with ourselves, while answering such crucial questions as “How do I forgive someone who thinks his affair is in the past?” and “What is wrong with refusing to forgive?”

The tips in this article on overcoming your obsession with your husband’s affair are inspired by a reader who can’t forgive and forget the fact that her husband cheated on her.


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“It’s been over a year and I am still completely depressed,” says B. on Should You Leave Your Husband? “I can’t get over the betrayal. I have supported him for years, I put my dreams aside for him. I don’t sleep at night, thinking about what he did. I can’t live this way. I am getting older. I’ve destroyed my appearance because of the stress. I have acne all over. I am not the attractive girl I once was. I am so unhappy…I don’t know if it’s me or the cheating.”

Something has sent her on a downward spiral of depression and obsession – and it wasn’t just her husband’s affair. The affair was a sign of something bigger, something rotten in her marriage or the way they were living their lives.

If your husband cheated and you can’t stop thinking about it, read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship.

And, here are a few thoughts for wives who can’t stop obsessing about their husband’s infidelity…

6 Ways to Overcome Your Obsession With Your Husband’s Affair

“Moving on with your life” after your husband’s betrayal can mean either saving your marriage or getting a divorce. But these tips aren’t about saving marriages or getting divorced…these tips are about rebuilding yourself into a happy, healthy, strong, successful woman.

The stronger, happier, and healthier you are, the better able you’ll be to stop obsessing about your husband’s affair and move on with your life – whatever that means to you.

Look at your marriage – and yourself – through objective eyes

According to marriage counselor Gary Neuman, men cheat on their wives because they don’t feel emotionally connected. About 12% of men cheat for no reason at all – even when they’re happily married. They have no conscience; they couldn’t care less about how their affairs affect their families.

Why did your husband have the affair? I believe the best way to find out is to go to a session or two of marriage counseling. If your husband refuses, then go to counseling yourself. You need to gain insight into your marriage, yourself, and the reason he cheated.

Don’t let the time you invested in your marriage dictate your future

In her comment, B said one reason she is having trouble moving on (leaving her husband) is that she’s put so much time, effort, and energy into her marriage. She doesn’t want to “lose” that by leaving her husband.

I don’t think leaving your husband means your marriage was a waste of time. A marriage is an investment; and like any investment if it goes bad, it needs to be abandoned. Being married for 10 or 20 or even 40 years is not a good reason to stay married!

If you can’t stop obsessing about your husband’s affair and you’re scared to “lose” the time you’ve invested in your marriage, read Was My Marriage a Waste of Time? The Silver Lining of Divorce.

Take care of yourself physically

Are you dealing with weight issues, emotional eating, insomnia, depression, exhaustion, or physical issues such as acne or stomach problems? You need to take care of your body immediately. Go to a doctor, and get treated for whatever physical issues are ailing you.

The better you feel physically – rested, exercised, well-fed in a healthy way, relaxed – the better able you’ll be to stop obsessing about your husband’s affair and move on with your life.

Reconnect with yourself

One of the best ways to stop obsessing about your husband’s affair is to figure out what you really think and feel. Maybe you can’t get over the betrayal because your dad cheated on your mom, or your uncle cheated on your aunt. Sometimes the reasons we obsess about things are tied to events and people in our past.

Or, maybe you’ve always felt insecure, unworthy, and unlovable – and your husband’s affair confirmed those feelings for you. Maybe you can’t stop obsessing about the affair because of what it says about you (if this sounds like you, read Why Men Cheat – Insights From a Marriage Counselor).

How do you reconnect with yourself, so you can move on with your life? It depends on your personality and lifestyle. Different things work for different women.

Ways to reconnect with yourself

How to Overcome Your Obsession With Your Husband’s Affair

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introverts get energy from being alone, while extroverts get energy from being with people. Knowing whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert can help you reconnect with yourself. If you aren’t sure about this, read Are You an Introvert?

Stop doing what others tell you to do

One reason women stay in loveless marriages is because their friends and family members urge them to. Sometimes our loved ones want things to stay the same – you to stay in your marriage – because it makes life easier, more predictable, and more stable.

Listen to what your friends and family say. Read articles like this — and don’t ask people to tell you if you should stay married or move out! Nobody can make this decision for you. It’s your life, and you have to decide how you want to live it.

Get involved in something you believe in

What are the most important three things in your life? If it’s marriage, kids, and your home, then your life is too narrowly focused. If the three most important things in your life are marriage, marriage, and marriage, then you really need to broaden your horizons!

To be happy, fulfilled, healthy woman, you need to build a life that involves more than your husband. Your marriage should be one aspect of your life. Your husband is important, but he is not your whole life. Perhaps the reason you can’t stop obsessing about your husband’s affair is because he is your whole life. It’s time to jump into something exciting, something you believe in and are excited about.

Read 7 Steps to Forgiving Someone Who Broke Your Heart to learn how to forgive your husband.

I welcome your thoughts on overcoming your obsessive thoughts about your husband’s affair below, but I can’t offer advice. You may find it helpful to share your experience – and you will see you aren’t alone.

xo


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29 thoughts on “How to Overcome Your Obsession With Your Husband’s Affair

  • Donna

    I have been married to my husband for 22 years and together for 35. He is my everything, my world, my soulmate and I thought I was his. Just under 12 months ago I had a suspicion and asked if he was having an affair to which he answered ‘not yet but I am thinking about it’ My world crumbled in slow motion. For three months he went between both of us, telling her we were separated and me – he needed to think because he loved me but wasn’t ‘in love’ with me. Neither of us knowing he was sleeping with the other one. Finally he came home and for 10 days it was different and great, romance, gifts, sorry. Then I found out he was still texting and seeing her and as they worked together, they were having ‘private meet ups’at work and ‘coffee’ on his way home. I’d had enough and threw him out. He told her he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her so we only had bitter contact. Then I don’t know what happened and he rang me to say he couldn’t live with her anymore and wanted to come home, I wasn’t ready and he moved in with our adult son. He still dated ‘her’ but we were just friends. After a while he decided he wanted to come home for good. It’s been six months now and before Christmas he messaged her and told her that he still loved her and she said no to him which I think is the real reason he is still here. We fight all the time and I don’t feel he actually loves me and although I’ve had opportunities to lesve, I just can’t. He brings no emotion or feeling or love to our marriage and I can tell but I don’t have the guts to leave. I want to trust him because until this, I never doubted anything he said but now I question everything he does. Our kids are grown but we are all very close and they were devastated when he left, excited his back and I think they would be heartbroken if I left him. I am so unhappy but I don’t know what to do.

  • Amy

    I can honestly say that this is the first time in 2 years that I have not felt completely alone in my feelings. So many of you have such similar stories. I have been married for 10 years. 2 years ago I walked in my house and heard my husband on the phone. Talking to his ex girlfriend. There is a lot to the story but…it was lies,lies and more lies. I basically had to become an FBI agent to figure out what was going on. I feel like this is why I can not stop obsessing. I had to figure out everything for myself. There were pictures and videos. Text messages about how she has always been his queen. Discusting really. It has been 2 years and I feel like it happened yesterday. I have 2 children and feel like I am floating through life waiting to feel better. This is not good for my kids. Maybe I am not trying hard enough to forgive him. Maybe I really never will. I just dont want to live the rest of my life like this. It hurts to bad. I want my family to be happy.

    • Lil Bolarinho

      WOW I found out September 27 2016 my husband had been with his ex while I was at a work function I came home he was just finishing up dishes had saved me supper it I wasn’t hungry we talked about our day and then went to bed I got up to use the bathroom when all of a sudden his phone went off it was a tweet from Jennifer “had to rub two out after such a great night “ I clicked on it I saw he had sent her a tweet before saying which hole feels the best man cave it describes our basement I started shaking and screaming he woke up came running and tried denying it I to became an FBI agent they started talking on FB July 2016 he immediately ended it with her but unfortunately she was crazier than she was 20 years she wouldn’t leave us alone we had to change vehicles the way we went to work she would sit on our street police couldn’t do anything she then tried to get a harassment order against me but we hired an attorney and I had printed off all her nonsense all social media against me and my husband so it didn’t go her way I’m afraid to go out alone I have panic attacks and anxiety and lost 50 pounds we are trying to rellocate but it’s not that easy
      I love my husband but part of me hates him
      Cause of what he did I have good days and bad I just wanna feel normal again not afraid to go out

  • Remya

    I found out my husband’s relationship. At first I was really upset. But later I started accepting the reality . Then he slipped out from his reality. He said they Stopped contacting, he starting drinking too much. And he was not getting control over himself. I was in contact with that girl. She said she had moved out and she doesn’t want anything from him. All these happened when I was pregnant. That hurted me more, because he never cared about my health, he never showed affection. He was just in his own world drinking.. now it’s been 1.5 years. She is gone, but he is still the same. Our baby is 11 months. He loves the baby. But he has not started showing affection to me. We talk normally, discuss anything other than family life and his problems. He has problem in his career path too..
    Recently I came to know that they had even Physical relationship, and they had contact for a long time even after I knew about this . That is disturbing me now. I had a doubt that they had physical relationship , but when I knew that it happened, I am not able to accept it. I don’t want to quit the marriage because this means a lot to me. And also due to our family.
    He never opens up, he never talks anything about this. Even if he does he talks while drunck and then he blames me for everything.
    Now we don’t discuss this, but my state of mind is very bad. I am not able to handle this.

  • Sue

    My husband is 46 and is having an affair with the 19 year old and she’s pregnant 42 weeks and counting. I love my husband but he is not showing any effort or has any explanation to give me why he’s holding on. She came to my country because of political crisis.
    She went back to her country and my husband decided to get away, lying to me he’s going on a business trip.
    Now today he’s certain the child is not his but he still hold on. But I feel he’s not telling me the truth.

  • Kimberly

    My husband had a affair 22 years ago and I still obsess about it at times. I thought I was the wife and mother that I was supposed to be. I was very depressed and suicidal. I was seeing a counselor but no one knew. My husband noticed something very different and strange about me. He never came to me and asked what was wrong. He just decided to feel sorry for himself, because he was not getting sex, so he found some girl at work, who made a fool out of him, to get his rocks off. He still has hidden a lot about the afair from me and I think that is why I still obsess about it. When you don’t get your questions answered it’s hard to totally let go. The best revenge I have is that I know now that it wasn’t my fault, he was made out to be a fool by her and most of all , even though I love my husband, I don’t feel the same about him as I did before this happened and that is his loss.

  • Louisa

    I m 58 years old my had affiar 30 years ago I cant stop thinking about all what they did she was a friend to me she was married tooo

    • Amy

      Louisa this is terrible. Exactly what I am affraid of. It has been 2 years for me and I cant stop thinking about it. I cant talk to him…touch him or even be around him without thinking about it. Every single time he kisses me I think about him kissing her. I was very close to her. Thought she was my friend. 2 years ago I said I would do anything to save our marriage. I have a 9 year old and just wanted her to always have her daddy. Today I am just not so sure. So here I sit crying at 12:56am when I have to work in the morning. Cant sleep. I dont want to feel like this for 20 years.

    • Vanessa

      First of all, I am so sorry for all you ladies who are here because of the after effects an affair has had on you.

      My husband had an affair 4 years ago but it feels like yesterday. He has done so much to change how he treats me, ( for the better,) and he feels that I should let the past stay in the past. As much as it makes sense to me, it’s still too painful for me to do. Part of my insecurity is the fact that he had had multiple affairs prior to the last one. The others consisted of him contacting women off Craigslist to meet up. I tried calling those women but none answered or returned my calls. The only “physical” affair I was able to confirm was the one from 4 years ago and it broke me, especially because I found out about it 2 days after my dad passed. We went to marriage counseling and it helped but we stopped going after a few sessions. Part of the reason why I can’t get over his last affair is because he still to this day, denies having had sex with his mistress. She swore they had sex almost as soon as the affair started, she sent me text messages he had sent her, she sent me pictures of them together with her kids, she sent me a picture of him at her job, she told me specific dates he was at her house (my birthday, the day after his birthday, mother’s day, Father’s Day, one day when he allowed me to go to a concert with my sister.) He even had given her our dog because we both worked long hours at that time and we didn’t have much time for our dog. He told me he had given him to a male friend of his but he had really given him to her. He was looking for homes to move into with her and she told me about them. They took her kids to the movies but he has never taken our kids to the movies…. the list goes on and on… I just want him to admit what I know deep down inside. I feel that if he admitted that he slept with her, I can at least respect his honesty. Any time I try to talk to him about it, he gets angry and tells me to stop bringing it up and adamantly denies having had sex with her. He admits he showered at her house, spent most of their time in her bedroom “watching movies,” and even having received oral sex from her but he claims they never had sex. As much as I KNOW they did, I feel I need to hear it from him to get some form of closure.

      Another woman my husband talked to about 7 years ago was a woman he said was “just a confidant.” When I wrote down her number to ask her what her relationship was to my husband, he threw her number out the window on the freeway and I lost any way of speaking with her. My husband is so good with words that he knows how to convince people (mostly me) of what he wants me to believe. I’ve seen him lie to people for no reason other than to lie and it has been a great concern for me throughout the years.

      We had 5 daughters at the time of his last known affair and honestly, they are the only reason I stayed. I loved my husband then even after finding out about the affair but if not for our kids, I would have left him and I almost did. We’ve since had our only son so now we have 6 kids and I feel even more trapped. As much as I love him still, I don’t trust him AT ALL. I feel badly for being with someone that I feel no trust for. I don’t even want to be intimate with him because every time we are together, I wonder if he did the same with the other women or how he treated them in comparison to how he treats me. I think about his last affair every single day. I can’t sleep at night, my body feels tense and it hurts, I feel alone, sad, depressed, and sometimes I feel suicidal. I don’t know what to do anymore. My kids are the only reason I am still alive. If not for them, I would have ended my life already. I’m tired of being in my lonely world of recurring thoughts. To stay or leave him? That is the question for me…

  • Christina

    On November 9th 2017 my world shattered in a million pieces. I suspected an affair because my husband became cold, distant, and out of character. In the midnight hour I was unctioned by Holy Spirit to check his phone. I could never find anything when I searched so I gave up looking. Well that night I grabbed his phone and found her pictures. He denied everything of course. So I checked our phone records the next day and all the calls were in sight like an open book. I called her and thats how I found out she was a co worker. He told her we divorced. I also just gave birth to our 3rd son October 30th. I never felt so lost and betrayed. He was the last person that anybody would expect for him to do such a thing. That never in a million years crossed my mind. I trusted him so much. Having a week old baby and going through this heartbreak was devastating. We are now in marriage counseling. It wasn’t sexual but an emotional connection. I feel like I’m in quick sand. Some days are really good and some days really bad. She was also younger and in much better shape than me. I feel like a failure. I cannot stop obsessing over their connection. I pray we can restore our marriage but realize it has everything to do with how I think about myself and getting healthy physically mentally and spiritually. I fear him doing it again. I sometimes get jealous like why can’t I go do that but I know that’s not the answer. My heart goes out to you all. No matter what we are worthy to love again and to be loved. I’m so sorry you all had to go through this. Worst feeling beyond words.

    • Sasha

      Reading your story is like reading my own. My husband too got involved with someone he works with and like you found out about it through the Holy Spirit. I just wish I would have listened to the spirit sooner because it kept warning me. My husband like yours was the most trustworthy person I knew. In fact his friend was visiting recently and he was talking about another couple we knew and how they were going through a divorce because of infidelity and he looks at me and says you have nothing to worry about this guy is true blue… it was like I was being stabbed in the heart all over again. It has been over a year and this literally consumes every waking moment of my life and sometimes even my sleeping hours… Some days are good and some are bad. I met this slut and she knew my kids too. My problem is they still work together. He does not have a job he can just leave but he tries everything to stay as far from her as possible. I really think if she was out of the picture I wouldn’t be stuck. In any event you should not feel like a failure! You are strong and courageous even trying to make your marriage work. He is the failure and should have done better by you and your family. You have nothing to blame yourself for. He is the one that made the decision to cheat on you and you deserved better! If he had a problem with your relationship he should have come to you and act like a man not a selfish child. Do not ever blame yourself! I wish you all the luck and will pray for you.

      • Mel

        Absolutely worst feeling in the world. I’m going through it now and feel so lonely. Whats worse is our relationship was so perfect and we were like best friends too . I trusted him 110% . Now there’s is no trust so what’s the point .

        He done it 10 years ago and I forgave him. Built up all this trust . He even turned to the church.. and then boom doesn’t it again … I always used to defend him when people say once a cheat always a cheat. But it’s so true . Now he wants to make it work but he will probably just do it again in another 5 or 10 years and then probably won’t care because I and our kids will be older . The lady he used was 25 and I’m 33 . Makes me sick to my stomach and so ill I’m now 8 stone :(

    • Shawna Adkins

      Please update how are you now? Any advise? I’m going through similar situation and cannot stop feeling the exact way you do!

    • Margo

      I’m right there with you. My husband had an emotional affair with a woman he works with for two years. They email and met for coffee : I was devastated and had panic attacks. In a million years it never crossed my mind he would have this woman in his life. I feel it has hurt me to the core of my heart and I don’t know if I will ever get over it or trust him again. It’s been six months since I found out and it has gotten a bit better because my husband has done a complete turn around. He pays attention to me more and is much more considerate. I think he knows I will leave if he does it again, but can I be sure the other woman is staying away? No. I’m just trying to heal and get stronger. My husband brought that woman into my life, not me. She knows he’s married but doesn’t care. Being she is 15 years younger than me makes it tough but I’m working on getting myself stronger to sehow I’m going to live my life either with my husband or without him. Take care of yourself!

      • Mel

        Ladies let me tell you… if they say it only happened 2 or 3 times you may as well double it . If he said she was 27 or 28 years old she was probably 24 or 25 . If he said he only called her a few times then he called her every day . Sorry for the downer but I’m going through this right now and have to dig for the answers because of his lying lying lying . I know it doesn’t change what they have done but same time I don’t want him thinking he’s crafty. I even called 02 and put on a man’s voice to get all the phone calls from his phone account. The amount was unbelievable!!

  • Kimberly

    My husband had a affair over twenty years ago. I thought I was over it but there are so many answers to questions that I can’t get answers to from him. I know that I’m not to blame for his affair but, I just don’t want to keep obsessing about it. I can’t sleep and I have no energy. I don’t feel good about myself. I spent a whole summer in the psych ward because I was suicidal and most of it was because of the affair and my low self-esteem. I just want to know how do I get rid of the obsessive thoughts that I keep thinking about.if anyone has any advice for me please let me know.

  • Diane

    I found out about my husband of 25 years on Thanksgiving – 9 days before our 25 wedding anniversary. I found out by texts they’d exchanged the day before. He claims they hadn’t been together for 7 years and it had only happened 3 times. I am having a very hard time believing that!! He claims the FB msgs and texts with her helped him with his guilt. I don’t believe that either / although he swears on it, I should also say we had no sex life at all – all on him. I am deviated!! He says he’s told me everything and that it’s tearing him up talking about it. He wants to ‘move forward’ but I won’t let it goby constantly bringing it up. The OW is 20 years younger and he can’t give me a why it happened. I’m not eating or sleeping normally. Please give me your thoughts!

    • Kathy

      Diane,
      Your story sounds so much like mine! “Only together 3 times”, he just wants to “move forward”, etc. I also found out at Thanksgiving; 3 days after Thanksgiving, 2015. Also, my husband can’t give me a “why”, and yes, she’s almost 20 years younger than I am!!
      So, it’s been almost a year and a half since “discovery day” for me, but I’m still devastated!
      My husband and I read the book, “How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair” (Linda MacDonald), together….out loud, and that has helped. We both felt like the author had been living in our house, watching us; that’s how true to life that book is! Give it a try, it’s a quick read, only about 100 pages, but I really think it might help HIM to understand exactly what you’re going through.
      Good Luck; I wish you all the best and I’m so incredibly sorry you’re going through this.

    • Cheri

      Diane,
      I’m curious as to how things turned out for you. My story is a lot like yours. Married 24 years, together 27 years, thought everything was great. Then I get blindsided by another woman sending my husband her pic by text. That’s how it all started about 6 weeks ago. My problem is I can’t stop obsessing over the affair. I know what she looks like, read their texts, know the places they went together and it’s all I think about. From the beginning, Oct. 1st, he lied which caused me to “dig” and find the truth. It’s only been 1 week since I found out they did more than hug & kiss and a matter of days since I found a list of places they went together. My husband says I’m barraging him and that he feels like a prisoner who’s been sentenced to constant scrutiny. I can’t help it! It’s so hard to try & understand how he said and shared such intimate things with this woman (who is 17 yrs younger than him). He says I’m the only one he loves and wants to be with but then I think about the words he wrote to her and think differently. I told him I don’t want to go to any of the places he went with her, a lot of which are places I love. I should note he’s very remorseful but I feel like he’s not understanding why I need to keep asking questions. Shoot, I don’t know if even I know why. I think I’m still in shock and it’s all still sinking in. He got rid of his truck, at my request, because she was in it and they messed around in it. She’s since moved to MI with her family. I’m just not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Can you give me any hope with your situation? I’m just devastated. Thanks.

  • melda

    My husband cheated on me since we got married 17 years ago. I always suspected it because of the cold loveless way he treated me and the physical abuse. But in 2006 November my whole world came tumbeling down when his friend came to me and told me that he had an affair with his wife and his best friend of 25years wife. My youngest baby was only 2 years at the time. I was totally broken and weve been trying to patch the relatiomship up and it went okay for a few years. Then I suspected h with another woman and he used to stay out till the early morning hours, so I took my kids and moved to my sister, for 3 months and in that te I just lost my mind and began to drink alot andessed up. My husband begges me to go back to him which I did. Things went ok for a while untill 2 years ago when he gave me his phone to setup his profile and a message came through and he grabbed the phone out of my hands and told me lie after lie after lie I found picturea of a few different woman on his phone he became extremely agressive and physically and verbally abusive so then I left for 6 months got a job and stayed with my patents in a 1 bedroom flat. Naturally I could not take my kids with because they are in school and my parents dis not have the space. I will always regret leaving my kids I should have stayed. The bond I once had with my kids is broken and I dont think it will ever be fixed. I could not stand being without my kids anymore and moved back. All this time he had a passwors on his phone and refuse take it off. I managed to get hold of his password and yes there is two other woman once again. I dont know anymore… I dont make enough money in a month to support myself I cant leave.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Paula,

    I’m so sorry about your husband’s affair. It’s especially shocking when you had no idea, and you thought you were in a good marriage. What a devastating experience – and I think I’d feel like I wasn’t strong, either!

    It sounds like you and your boys are grieving. You’re in shock, and reeling from this painful discovery. It takes time to recover from something so heartbreaking…but I believe you can and will heal. Maybe you might find it helpful to talk to a counselor, and get guidance on working through the pain and grief.

    I wish I had the right words. I will keep you in my prayers.

    A Prayer for Healing After a Breakup
    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/prayer-for-healing-after-a-breakup/

    You might find it helpful to take time to talk to God. Pour out your heart, your pain, your disappointment and anger. For me, there’s healing in opening my heart and soul to Him, and allowing His presence to calm my spirit and mind.

    I also have a free weekly newsletter called SheBlossoms…I encourage and inspire women to grow healthy and strong, emotionally and spiritually. You may find it helpful, and you can sign up here:
    http://blossom.subscribemenow.com/

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • paula

    Hi my husband had an affair after 30 years together, i had to find out with little snippets here and there.ntalk about being gullable. I thought he was having a breakdown at the time. His girlfriend kindly informed men and sais they didnt want to hurt me, wow. My world ended. Its been almost 3 years and im still not over it and dont think i ever will. My sons, lives have been destroyed as hes abandoned them too. From going from a perfect loving father and husband to a complete stranger and a liar. He was the last person i expected would have an affair, everyone said we had a good relationshio, i thkught he was happy too. Anyway i think the guilt has gotten to him as he drinks now and his eyes look dead. Ive tried to kill myself as ive always suffered with depression. I feel like hes destroyed me. My life, im struggling. My family is falling apart, i feel for the boys especially my youngest son who is a hermit has no confidence and is depressed too. Im not strong.

  • Laurie Post author

    Hi Sandra,

    Discovering that your husband is having an affair is devastating, especially if you catch him lying about it. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Maybe one day it’ll help to write out your thoughts and feelings, so you can process things. Until then, I encourage you to find healthy ways to cope with your heartache, pain, and disappointment. Talk to friends, exercise, make plans for your future, grieve the end of your relationship.

    I’m here if you want to vent!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

    • Laura Johnsen

      I am shocked by how many men can do this to their devoted wives. My story is similar to all of yours. With my husband 28 years, married for 19 when I found out. It had been going on for 2 years. It wasn’t a physical affair, the young woman confirmed that. She was younger than our daughter. Half his age. Makes me sick. The worst part for me is that I was going through cancer treatment at the time and he took full advantage of how out of it I was because of the chemo. When I needed him the most, he was trying to be with someone else. That’s where I’m stuck. It’s been one year and six months since I discovered it. He denied it all the way until I spoke to her on the phone. We had a great relationship, we were best friends. Everyone who knows us always said that they wanted what we have. I truly believed that he would never ever hurt me and we would grow old together and things would be great. I’m still questioning everything. My world is upside down. At first I thought I could get past it, but lately I’m not so sure. I can’t stop obsessing about it. I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know what to do. He has been trying. He swears he’s changed. He says that he is sorry he hurt me and will never do it again. The problem I have with that is, I never thought that he’d hurt me to begin with and I can’t stop thinking that he will do it again. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t like feeling this way. I am disabled and can’t work. Our children are grown. I beat cancer,so I know I can make it on my own if I have to. I’m just stuck. And rambling now, I apologize. My broken little heart goes out to all of us who have had to deal with this kind of hurt. It’s awful. It did help me a little to just post this. Love and gentle hugs to all. Laura

  • Sandra

    You change ur life for them…u change everything that bothers them…then they complain about how u are and wonder where the woman they fell in love with is at. Double standards and lame excuses for why they hid things. He has been lying about a guy friend named luis….i see his tx to luis and there is no name attached…so i call and a girl answers….i confront him and he gets angry and says he will call to prove its just luis’s girlfriend..i can heat her on the other through the phone as he asks to speak to luis…i cant do this…its making it worse…..sorry arrg :(

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Rachael,

    Thank you for being here, and for being so honest about what you’re going through. It sounds like you’re in touch with your emotions, which is great. And you’re taking action by seeing a lawyer, which is a step in the right direction.

    It’s a painful time in your life, and … I wish I knew what to say to make it better! Let’s face it — it’s crappy that your husband had an affair. What a jerk, a thoughtless, selfish jerk. I just don’t understand why men do that.

    Please feel free to come back anytime, and let me know how you’re doing. I don’t have any answers or advice, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes just writing about what you’re going through can ease the pain and help you see more clearly.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

    • Julie Augenstein

      I am currently going through an affair he had one year ago that I just found out about … all these stories are all true and so sad to me, I relate . My main question right now is, would it be a better situation for myself ( less suffering) to just leave. I think about this 24/7 the affair and very intense sick thoughts , i just wonder if I move out see a counselor and start fresh with myself and eventually someone new if it just would be better for everyone? Any thoughts on this ?

  • Rachael

    I married my husband 10 years ago we have two boys together and I am 17 weeks pregnant with our third. He also had custody of his two daughters from his last marriage. He has been having an affair for over a month and at this point I want out. I have seen pictures of them together and naked photos of them. So now I don’t ever want him to touch me again, I want him to just go away. I have hired a birth coach and banned him from L&D. I am seeing a lawyer next week. I have been a stay at home mom for over three years, I am scared and nervous and so angry with him.

  • husband having an affair

    Wow…thats LOW!! You would think the words “friend” and “children” would put the brakes on anything developing between a taken man and themselves but it does not. Sad!