You want your boyfriend to know you care about him, but he keeps pushing you away. How do you love a guy who won’t let you get close? These suggestions are inspired by a reader whose boyfriend has completely shut her out. She is worried about her relationship.
“My boyfriend of three years who was diagnosed with depression has completely shut down on me,” says Cyndi on 7 Reasons Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Talk to You. “How do I show him I care when he won’t see or talk to me? This is the third summer this has happened except this time it seems worse. In the past my boyfriend said I was always there for him. In fact we talked for the first time in depth about his issues. He apologised and said that all that was behind him now. We had a lovely year, lots of loving and caring. My boyfriend tells me how much I mean to him and I believe him. He was working hard in his career to build a future for us. But now my boyfriend is pushing me away again and I’m struggling with it.”
The good is that her boyfriend is honest about his struggles with depression. He talks about his feelings when he isn’t depressed, and lets her back in after he gets through a bout of depression. In the meantime, however, what is the best way for Cyndi to respond when her boyfriend pushes her away? My suggestions may help you cope with your own boyfriend – even if he hasn’t been diagnosed with depression.
Here’s the rest of Cyndi’s comment:
“My boyfriend does usually make some contact but when he does the problem never gets mentioned. I really don’t know how to cope with this at the moment. Does he really love me; did he just think he did? Does he want me to be here for him or would he rather I just go because he believes he is no good for me? Will he forget about me if we don’t talk? I ask him these questions but all he says is he has had a very troubled past. This seems to be the root of the depression. My boyfriend told me that he has been hurt 3 or 4 times in the past, most likely because the women couldn’t take this behavior. I want to be there for him. I love my boyfriend very much and when things are ok, it’s wonderful. But when he pushes me away like this I feel terrible.”
When Your Boyfriend Keeps Pushing You Away
I don’t know if you noticed, but Cyndi said she asks her boyfriend questions about why he pushes her away, how he’s feeling, and what he thinks. Here are some of the questions she had — which you, too, may have about your relationship:
- What is he thinking?
- How can I tell him how I feel if he won’t talk to me or see me?
- Is he trying to forget me?
- Does he really love me?
- How does he feel about our relationship?
If I were you, I’d want to know the answers to these questions too! There are so many unknowns when you’re in a relationship with a guy who shuts you out. You may be feeling anxious, insecure, and even afraid about your future with him. Your boyfriend’s lack of effort in your relationship is troubling.
As much as you want to know if your relationship will last, it’s important not to ask your boyfriend these questions! It’s especially important if he’s dealing with depression, feeling stressed about work, or grieving the loss of a loved one. If your boyfriend is pushing you away because he needs time and space to work through his own issues, give him the time and space he needs.
1. Use this time to get emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy
Instead of dwelling on questions about what your boyfriend is thinking, doing and feeling, use your time to work on your own self. You boyfriend is pushing you away for a reason. Let him figure out what’s going on in his own heart, mind and soul. In the meantime, you have your own work to do! It’s a waste of time and energy to try to answer questions only God has the answers to.
This is your chance to focus on yourself, on pursuing your passions and learning what makes you happy. Your relationship with your boyfriend is one aspect of your life. He is not your sole source of happiness or love. If you make your boyfriend the center of your life, he will one day let you down. A human being can’t possibly live up to being the center of another person’s life! Take the pressure off of him. Focus on your own emotional, spiritual, and physical health.
2. Release your grip and be open to any possibility in your relationship
You will lose your boyfriend if you clutch him too tightly. I know it’s hard – especially when you love a guy who keeps pushing you away – but it’s crucial to loosen your grip. Your instinct may be to hold on tighter to a boyfriend who pushes you away, but the smartest and healthiest response is to open your hands and heart. If you grip him too tightly, he will feel suffocated and run away.
People live, think, breathe and love best when they have air and space. You can love your boyfriend deeply while still giving him room to breathe. What this means depends on your personality and relationship. It also requires you to look at yourself and your expectations of your boyfriend. Is it possible that he’s pushing you away because he feels suffocated in your relationship, or needs time to think about the future? Respect him, love him, by giving him the time he needs.
If you need help releasing your grip on your relationship, read How to Stop Being a Clingy Girlfriend.
3. Be still and listen to your true self
Is your mind crazy with fears, anxieties, worries and doubts? Are you losing sleep or unable to focus? When was the last time you felt quiet, peaceful, and calm?
Take time to stop. Be still. Listen to your thoughts and feel your emotions. This is your true self – and you are even stronger and more authentic when you connect to God. Become aware of God’s presence, His strength and love. He is aware of you. He sees you, He created you, and He knows exactly what you’re going through. Give your relationship to God; let Him lead the way.
If you find peace and joy within yourself by connecting to God, you won’t have to worry about your boyfriend pushing you away. If you spend quiet time with God and pray about your relationship, you will find the answers you’re looking for. You may not be thrilled with what you discover when you’re still and silent with the Lord, but you will know how to move forward.
Remember that loving your boyfriend means that you stop trying to figure out his thoughts, motivations, and actions. You let go of the future of your relationship. Appreciate and accept your boyfriend for who he is; focus on creating a happy, fulfilling life when he’s not around.
What do you think? Feel free to share your comments below. You may find it helpful to write about your relationship, or even purge all your thoughts and emotions here. Expressing what you really think and feel will help you figure out how best to respond if your boyfriend keeps pushing you away.
If you find yourself trying to control your relationship, read How to Stop Being a Controlling Girlfriend.
In peace and passion,