3 Ways to Love a Boyfriend Who Keeps Pushing You Away

You want your boyfriend to know you care about him, but he keeps pushing you away. How do you love a guy who won’t let you get close? These suggestions are inspired by a reader whose boyfriend has completely shut her out. She is worried about her relationship.

“My boyfriend of three years who was diagnosed with depression has completely shut down on me,” says Cyndi on 7 Reasons Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Talk to You. “How do I show him I care when he won’t see or talk to me? This is the third summer this has happened except this time it seems worse. In the past my boyfriend said I was always there for him. In fact we talked for the first time in depth about his issues. He apologised and said that all that was behind him now. We had a lovely year, lots of loving and caring. My boyfriend tells me how much I mean to him and I believe him. He was working hard in his career to build a future for us. But now my boyfriend is pushing me away again and I’m struggling with it.”

The good is that her boyfriend is honest about his struggles with depression. He talks about his feelings when he isn’t depressed, and lets her back in after he gets through a bout of depression. In the meantime, however, what is the best way for Cyndi to respond when her boyfriend pushes her away? My suggestions may help you cope with your own boyfriend – even if he hasn’t been diagnosed with depression.

Here’s the rest of Cyndi’s comment:

“My boyfriend does usually make some contact but when he does the problem never gets mentioned. I really don’t know how to cope with this at the moment. Does he really love me; did he just think he did? Does he want me to be here for him or would he rather I just go because he believes he is no good for me? Will he forget about me if we don’t talk? I ask him these questions but all he says is he has had a very troubled past. This seems to be the root of the depression. My boyfriend told me that he has been hurt 3 or 4 times in the past, most likely because the women couldn’t take this behavior. I want to be there for him. I love my boyfriend very much and when things are ok, it’s wonderful. But when he pushes me away like this I feel terrible.”

When Your Boyfriend Keeps Pushing You Away

I don’t know if you noticed, but Cyndi said she asks her boyfriend questions about why he pushes her away, how he’s feeling, and what he thinks. Here are some of the questions she had — which you, too, may have about your relationship:

  • What is he thinking?
  • How can I tell him how I feel if he won’t talk to me or see me?
  • Is he trying to forget me?
  • Does he really love me?
  • How does he feel about our relationship?

If I were you, I’d want to know the answers to these questions too! There are so many unknowns when you’re in a relationship with a guy who shuts you out. You may be feeling anxious, insecure, and even afraid about your future with him. Your boyfriend’s lack of effort in your relationship is troubling.

As much as you want to know if your relationship will last, it’s important not to ask your boyfriend these questions! It’s especially important if he’s dealing with depression, feeling stressed about work, or grieving the loss of a loved one. If your boyfriend is pushing you away because he needs time and space to work through his own issues, give him the time and space he needs.

1. Use this time to get emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy

Instead of dwelling on questions about what your boyfriend is thinking, doing and feeling, use your time to work on your own self. You boyfriend is pushing you away for a reason. Let him figure out what’s going on in his own heart, mind and soul. In the meantime, you have your own work to do! It’s a waste of time and energy to try to answer questions only God has the answers to.

This is your chance to focus on yourself, on pursuing your passions and learning what makes you happy. Your relationship with your boyfriend is one aspect of your life. He is not your sole source of happiness or love. If you make your boyfriend the center of your life, he will one day let you down. A human being can’t possibly live up to being the center of another person’s life! Take the pressure off of him. Focus on your own emotional, spiritual, and physical health.

2. Release your grip and be open to any possibility in your relationship

You will lose your boyfriend if you clutch him too tightly. I know it’s hard – especially when you love a guy who keeps pushing you away – but it’s crucial to loosen your grip. Your instinct may be to hold on tighter to a boyfriend who pushes you away, but the smartest and healthiest response is to open your hands and heart. If you grip him too tightly, he will feel suffocated and run away.

People live, think, breathe and love best when they have air and space. You can love your boyfriend deeply while still giving him room to breathe. What this means depends on your personality and relationship. It also requires you to look at yourself and your expectations of your boyfriend. Is it possible that he’s pushing you away because he feels suffocated in your relationship, or needs time to think about the future? Respect him, love him, by giving him the time he needs.

If you need help releasing your grip on your relationship, read How to Stop Being a Clingy Girlfriend.

3. Be still and listen to your true self

boyfriend pushes me away
My Boyfriend Pushes Me Away

Is your mind crazy with fears, anxieties, worries and doubts? Are you losing sleep or unable to focus? When was the last time you felt quiet, peaceful, and calm?

Take time to stop. Be still. Listen to your thoughts and feel your emotions. This is your true self – and you are even stronger and more authentic when you connect to God. Become aware of God’s presence, His strength and love. He is aware of you. He sees you, He created you, and He knows exactly what you’re going through. Give your relationship to God; let Him lead the way.

If you find peace and joy within yourself by connecting to God, you won’t have to worry about your boyfriend pushing you away. If you spend quiet time with God and pray about your relationship, you will find the answers you’re looking for. You may not be thrilled with what you discover when you’re still and silent with the Lord, but you will know how to move forward.

Remember that loving your boyfriend means that you stop trying to figure out his thoughts, motivations, and actions. You let go of the future of your relationship. Appreciate and accept your boyfriend for who he is; focus on creating a happy, fulfilling life when he’s not around.

What do you think? Feel free to share your comments below. You may find it helpful to write about your relationship, or even purge all your thoughts and emotions here. Expressing what you really think and feel will help you figure out how best to respond if your boyfriend keeps pushing you away.

If you find yourself trying to control your relationship, read How to Stop Being a Controlling Girlfriend.

In peace and passion,

Laurie

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12 thoughts on “3 Ways to Love a Boyfriend Who Keeps Pushing You Away”

  1. Mine is a question.when your boyfriend ,out of nowhere start pushing you away and doesn’t want to talk about what he’s going through and keeps saying he needs his time to heal and find himself and keeps ignoring you,but when i ask what he wantd he says he wants to be alone andi if i cant let him be that we should part ways.what am i supposed to do because i love him and sometimes i feel like im not good enough for him or that he realized he doesn’t love me .what should i do

  2. When I’m fighting with my boyfriend, he never listens of what I explain he always angry grumpy mad and pushing me away but I’m still love him and I don’t know how to make us happy I try to fix everything of problems he make or I make but he always broke that, I always forgive him of what he do to me big things small things I want he do back to me be nice listen to me I’m so sad and upset don’t know how to be happy again
    Please let me know if I can do anything to make me and him happy again

    Thanks

    Jorja

    1. He pushing me away all the time when he was angry he push his ex girlfriend away with his baby before too, because he say he always get grumpy all the time he can’t listen,
      When I explain something about us,
      He always think he right I’m wrong when I’m not he try to be like boss to me say I have to do this do that why I not do this do that all the time and when I say I do my best but for him he just think I’m not good enough when I try to be nice but his mind just think I do wrong or do bad I try to explain it not mean like you think he never listen he only listen to his brain and he always say broken with me and pushing me away tell me to go away when I say don’t let’s me go I not wanna go I want stay with you I love you he never listen and then when I’m gone like 1 week or 2 week he try to message me again and say he sorry he miss me he want me back he say forgive him of what he do bad to me and I’m still forgive him and forget and start new life with him again and always problem like that more then 10 time
      And now the problem come again and I talk to him to make the problem it finish and make friends again but he just try to push me away again maybe if I gone again he will ask me to be back again
      Now I don’t know what to do I have to gone for real but I can’t be strong I’m so weak 😔😔

      I want to talk with someone and help me think about it
      How?💔

  3. Sometimes a guy will push his girlfriend away because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, and he doesn’t know how to end it. Sometimes people act in ways that push others away so that the other person leaves. This way, the guy doesn’t have to be the “bad guy” and cause a breakup.

    I don’t know what’s happening in your relationship, or why your boyfriend is pushing you away. Do you think he wants to be out of the relationship, but doesn’t know how to break up? What makes you think a breakup will hurt him more than you?

  4. in the beginning of my relationship, he was so loving but eventually after a year it stopped. he says he stopped bc he feels like he doesn’t need to try for me anymore. i told him i missed him doing it and all he did was say sorry but nothing changes. for the past five months, he’s been pushing me away. he’s beginning to be a jerk and always saying i could do better. i love him dearly and explained to him that i won’t leave and help him out with what is going on. he talks about having his own time that he doesn’t get to have at all and tell him all he has to do is say no to whenever i ask to hangout. he has also said he hasn’t been happy lately and a part of me wants to believe it’s my fault. it’s december now and i can’t deal with it anymore. i don’t want to break up with him bc i know it will hurt us both but it will definitely hurt him more than me. i also know that if we were too, we would just end up back together. i need help bc i feel lost

  5. I am experiencing the exact same problems with my boyfriend and it was so comforting to hear someone going through a similar experience. I often try to pull them closer, but now I have learnt that it is best to let them do what they need to do, while continuing to love your life in a healthy way. They will eventually return.

    1. What if you find you self getting blamed for not being good enough physically mentally and can’t control your emotions and you get blamed for health not being good, and make comment like you have unattractive low self esteem, or insecure or clingy. U find your plartner is always unfaithful and has sex with others, or say you can’t communicate or get connected. My psychologist say my partner is in emotional pain and how there form of escape. But It hurts me very much I try to communicate and get connected it like his mind is other places and not with me. How do u feel if your partner say tonight I want to have sex with some else be ur unattractive or u have too many problems to have sex with you. And what let me ask questions or request any thing. How would u feel that 5-8 times a week ypu partner has sex with another and u don’t or can’t request and any intermacy :( how you u feel it that happens then your partner say come and sleep with me
      After being with someone else for 2-8 hours.
      One thing the other thing I get told I have no rights
      It’s not fair when u love, care and support for my partner in the beginning I even had cosmetic surgery to look better at my partner request. I could say mor

    1. Take that as an answer that he does not want to be involved in your life. He might have feelings for you but they are not strong enough to want to be in your life. Don’t wait for him to show up for you. Show up for yourself. Love yourself. Write yourself love notes and find a fulfilling life. You deserve to be treated better.

  6. Hello, i want an advice of what i should do when my boyfriend has problems of getting a good Job and he is depressed and is pushing me away from him. he doesnt talk to me or even cares about me anymore. what should i do i am wondering if he stills wants me in his life if he still loves me . I am so depressed and i dont know what to do. so If anyone can give me a good advice to help me understand the situation and act correctly .I believe that we should be in our lives especially at hard times but he is pushing me and that really hurts me so badly

    1. You’ve probably figured things out by now but for anyone reading, the key to take with men who are like this is to set boundaries for yourself and him. If you are becoming depressed, he is a toxic person to you. If you are becoming depressed, you also may be codependent. His depression should not become yours and you should figure out why you are staying in a relationship with a man who is not actively pursuing a relationship with you. There is more out there to life than wanting a cold shouldered boyfriend.
      He might even feel like you are clingy if you are transforming into what he is: a depressed, lost soul. Often, depressed people can only handle their own depression and no one else’s. Many times what they liked about you in the beginning is that you were not depressed and not emotionally dependent on them. Figure out that your emotions are your responsibility and that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of another person.