Here’s the first thing you need to know about getting your ex girlfriend back after you lied to her: If you truly love her and want her to be happy, you have to let her make the decision to get back together. The more you push, beg, manipulate or argue her into getting back together, the less authentic your love is. These tips on how to get your girlfriend back after lying to her will help you see your relationship – and yourself – more clearly.
“When I first started dating her, I told her I had about $10,000 in credit card debt and was addicted to smokeless tobacco,” says Frank on 5 Ways to Get Healthy When You’re on a Relationship Break. “These were two things that my girlfriend QUICKLY said she cannot stand and could not keep the relationship going (especially tobacco) unless I took steps. To deal with the credit card debt, I put a plan together to pay it off. I quit the smokeless tobacco for 2-3 months, but started dipping again. I also started the credit card spending again. Last week, she found about about both and she went off the deep end. She had told me that her ex lied to her for two years and that is why it hurts her now because she thought I was different. What do I do to get her back?”
Getting back together isn’t about finding psychological tricks or relationship hacks. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that you can say and do specific things to reconcile a broken relationship – especially after you lied to your girlfriend multiple times. She has every right to be angry and hurt. She doesn’t trust you anymore.
Instead of trying to do and say the right things, be honest with yourself and your girlfriend. The truth is surprisingly hard to tell – but the more honest you are, the more appealing and lovable you will be to your girlfriend.
5 Steps to Getting Your Girlfriend Back After You Lied to Her
1. Know why you lied to her
Whether or not you and your girlfriend get back together, knowing why you lied to her is important for you. All your relationships will improve if you understand why you lie to people. After all, you don’t just lie to your girlfriend, do you? You lie to other people too. You lie to protect yourself. You lie because you’re afraid. You lie because it’s easier and more exciting than telling the truth.
Why did you lie to your girlfriend? Write down three reasons you couldn’t tell her the truth. Go beneath the story you always tell; find the feelings and emotions that make you lie to people. If you want to get your girlfriend back after lying to her, learn why you have to hide who you are.
2. Simply apologize
Have you apologized for lying to your girlfriend? Put it in writing. Write down what you did wrong, how you think it made her feel, and what you were thinking at the time. Try to speak from your heart, from your true feelings and emotions. Your girlfriend is smart; she’ll know if you’re just trying to trick her into getting back together with her.
You lied to her once, she’ll have a hard time trusting you again. Know this. Make it part of your apology. “My lies damaged the trust you have in me and our relationship. I deeply regret and am sorry I lied to you. You are my girlfriend, and you deserve better. Can we start again, and rebuild our relationship?”
If you lied about your finances (or you stole money from her), read How to Apologize to Your Spouse After a Money Fight.
3. Get emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy
Do you lie to your girlfriend, parents, friends, coworkers, and even the neighbors? Admit it if you’re a habitual liar. Get help! Getting your girlfriend back after lying to her isn’t the most important thing in your life right now. If this isn’t the first time you’ve been caught in a web of lies – whether or not you were the lying boyfriend – then you have something bigger to think about. Your lies are the result of bigger issues. Take care of them. Take care of yourself.
Learning why you lie and how to be truthful is more important than getting back together with your girlfriend. It’s not possible to be in a happy, strong, long-term relationship unless you are physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy. This may not be the right time for you to be asking if you should try to get your ex girlfriend back. Instead, do some work on yourself.
4. Give your girlfriend time and space
“My girlfriend told me she needs time and space to think about our relationship,” said Frank. “I said by all means, you are worth it to me. I will put in the time and patience to make it work if she will give me another chance. She said she wasn’t breaking up with me, that we were going back to ‘square one’ to rebuild the foundation of the relationship. She even told me NOT to push too hard or I would push her away.”
Frank’s girlfriend gave him excellent advice on how to get a girlfriend back after lying to her. He is one lucky man – no wonder he wants to get back together with her! His girlfriend’s advice is perfect for all boyfriends who lie in relationships: Give your girlfriend the time and space she needs to heal and move forward.
5. Respond to your girlfriend with flexibility and openness
“Should I contact my girlfriend every day?” asked Frank. “Or not contact her at all even if she contacts me? Should I respond to her texts but let her tell me when she wants to meet up? Or just wait until she says she wants to get back together? I’m lost here.”
There are no hard-and-fast rules for getting your girlfriend back after lying to her. It depends on you, her, and what type of lies you told. It also depends how long you and your girlfriend have been together and how long you’ve been lying to her. How often you contact your girlfriend now depends on how much contact you had in the past (eg, if you were living together, you might have more contact than if you are in a long distance relationship).
If your girlfriend contacts you, you should definitely respond to her! And yes, you should let her tell you when she wants to meet up. But if you haven’t heard from your girlfriend in a couple of weeks, you might want to email, text, or call her.
How do you get your girlfriend back after lying to her? You learn how to rebuild trust in your relationship. You show her that getting back together with you is a risk that is worth taking. Even if you and your girlfriend don’t get back together, learning about trust will help you be a better – and more honest – man in your next relationship.
In I Love You but I Don’t Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship, couples therapist Mira Kirshenbaum helps couples understand the stages by which trust strengthens when the rebuilding process is allowed to take place. Learn how to avoid the mistakes that prevent healing and discover how to help your girlfriend feel secure with you again.
For more ways to get your girlfriend back after you lied to her, read 8 Ways to Build Trust in a Relationship.