These seven reasons he doesn’t talk to you will help you communicate with your boyfriend (or any man). Some men are uncommunicative, silent and emotionally distant for reasons that aren’t always hard to figure out. If you have an idea of why your husband or boyfriend doesn’t communicate with you, then you have a good chance of starting good, healthy, meaningful conversations.
Some men sometimes simply don’t know what to talk about! For a long time one of my most popular relationship articles was 10 Conversation Starters to Help You Talk to Your Girlfriend; guys want to talk to their girlfriends or wives. They just don’t know what to talk about. Making conversation is difficult for many men. Some boyfriends and husbands are very comfortable – and actually prefer – silent spaces in conversations, which can make it difficult and even boring for more talkative girlfriends and wives.
Here’s an important question to think about: has your boyfriend or husband always been quiet and untalkative, or is this a new thing? If emotional distance is a new development in your relationship, it means something different than if your boyfriend or husband never really wanted to talk to you.
Another question to consider: would you and your husband or boyfriend be willing to take a relationship-building course together? I’m not selling one, but my husband and I took the Marriage Course. It was created by Sila and Nicky Lee; our last session was The Art of Communication. We practiced talking, active listening, and summarizing each other. This would be a helpful course for couples who aren’t communicating openly or often.
Good communication is a learned skill. Not just for you, not just for your partner….but for both of you. A great conversation is like an excellent tennis match: both partners are skilled at hitting and returning the ball in equal measure. They’re both interested in participating in the game, and they both care about the outcome. And, they’re both equally involved until the end.
These seven reasons your husband or boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to you (or simply doesn’t know how to talk to you) will help you open him up. Learning the root cause of his reluctance or inability to communicate can make conversations easier – even if they’re the hard relationship discussions we all dread! I created this list of the most common reasons why men don’t talk to women (including why boyfriends aren’t talking to girlfriends and husbands aren’t communicating with their wives).
7 Reasons Why Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Talk to You
If your boyfriend or husband isn’t talking to you because of a recent argument and he’s shutting you down, read 5 Tips for Dealing With the Silent Treatment in Relationships. I recently updated that article to include more ways to encourage men to talk openly and honestly. I also added new research on couples communication.
These are just ideas, possible reasons why men stop talking to the women they love or are married to. Your boyfriend or husband may be dealing with a whole different set of issues, questions, or problems! I encourage you to talk to someone you trust about your relationship – someone in person, whom you trust and can be honest with.
1. He doesn’t know what to talk about
Some guys are quiet, and simply have nothing to say. My husband is one of those men! He’s often said that he just doesn’t know what to talk about. He likes to talk about the news, economy and politics…but I don’t. I love to talk about writing, blogging, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, God and the Bible! So we’re learning how to talk about things we’re both interested in – and my husband’s interest in talking about faith has definitely grown. It just took time to evolve.
What is your boyfriend or husband interested in talking about? What do you yourself love discussing? Those are two good places to start when you’re wondering what to talk about with your boyfriend, especially if you’re in a new relationship. Remember that not every guy is a brilliant conversationalist, nor do they talk simply for the sake of talking. But if you’re asking “why he doesn’t talk to me?” because you know he talks to other people, then you need to do a little more digging.
2. Your boyfriend thinks you might misunderstand him
I’m sure it’s happened to you: you say something to someone – not necessarily your boyfriend or husband – and she or he completely misinterpreted and misunderstood what you meant! Your words were taken out of context, or you said them wrong. Then things spiral out of control and feelings get hurt.
Is it possible that your boyfriend or husband doesn’t talk to you because he fears being misunderstood? Ask him. If you and he haven’t talked about the lack of communication in your relationship, then that’s a good starting point.
3. Your boyfriend doesn’t know how he feels or what he thinks
Sometimes men don’t talk simply because they don’t know how to respond. For instance, when I bring up an issue in our relationship, sometimes my husband says, “I don’t know what to say to that. Give me some time to think.” He used to just clam up and not say anything, until I asked if he could at least tell me that he doesn’t know what to think or say. This works a lot better, because I at least know that he’s heard me.
Maybe your boyfriend or husband simply doesn’t know what to think or feel about whatever you’re trying to talk about. A lot of people – not just men – don’t know how to talk about their feelings or how to communicate their thoughts. The solution? Learn how to communicate better. I’ll share a book suggestion or two at the end of this article.
4. He wants to be the “strong, silent type”
Some men think they’ll sound weak if they talk about issues that bother them. Sometimes it’s easier to keep their mouths shut and ignore the problem, instead of going through the hassle of trying to talk it through. Ignoring conflict is an easy short-term solution, and many of us use it to keep the peace.
Or, maybe your boyfriend wants to talk about relationship issues but doesn’t know what is appropriate to talk about with a girlfriend. We’re not taught how to be in relationships, and good communication skills aren’t learned by watching tv, playing video games, or going to work. They’re learned by getting information and actually practicing what you learn.
5. Your boyfriend doesn’t want to cause relationship problems
Sometimes it’s easier for a man to just bite his tongue and not say anything, instead of speaking his mind and causing problems or hurt feelings. Some boyfriends and husbands like to keep the peace at all costs so they keep their mouths shut.
Tell me, why doesn’t he talk to you? What is your gut instinct telling you? I suspect you know exactly why your boyfriend or husband isn’t communicating, but it’s easier to search the internet for answers. Facing the truth and actually doing something about it is much more difficult.
6. The topic is too complicated
Talking about relationship or marriage issues can get painful and confusing, and it’s sometimes easier to avoid “the talk.” If your boyfriend doesn’t talk to you, it may be because he doesn’t want to get entangled in messy emotions or conversations.
Or, the topic is really painful or complicated. Couples often avoid big and important discussions because there are no easy answers or solutions. Again, it’s easier to avoid talking about those things than to face the truth and slog through until the end.
7. Your boyfriend thinks you’ll laugh or think less of him
Does your boyfriend hesitate to share his thoughts with you because you may criticize or mock him? Maybe you’re not aware of how he feels about talking to you – or maybe you’re not aware of your own patterns of responding to him.
The best way to identify why reason or reasons why your boyfriend doesn’t talk to you is to show him this list. Hopefully, he’ll be open to talking about why he doesn’t talk to you! The best source of information is the person himself – if he can open up.
If you’re worried about how you and he are communicating – or if a real problem exists – read How to Love an Emotionally Unavailable Man. You’ll see your relationship differently and perhaps get more insight into the reasons he doesn’t talk to you.
Helping Your Boyfriend Open Up and Talk to You
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, Gary Chapman describes how different people – both men and women – communicate. It’s possible that your boyfriend or husband is actually talking to you in HIS love language…but you’re trying to hear him in your own love language.
Love Languages is a bestselling book because it’s both practical and insightful. It’ll help you understand different communication styles, and show you if you and your partner are talking to each other, but in different ways.
Maybe your question isn’t “why isn’t he talking to me?”, but rather “HOW is my boyfriend or husband talking to me in ways I’m not hearing?”
The 5 Love Languages taught me that I communicate through “words of affirmation.” My husband, on the other hand, is more of an “acts of service” communicator. Simply knowing this has changed how we talk – and hear – each other.
If your husband or boyfriend doesn’t talk to you because he’s not around, read What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You.