Dating > Communication > 7 Reasons Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Talk to You

7 Reasons Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Talk to You

These seven reasons he doesn’t talk to you will help you communicate with your boyfriend (or any man). Some men are uncommunicative, silent and emotionally distant for reasons that aren’t always hard to figure out. If you have an idea of why your husband or boyfriend doesn’t communicate with you, then you have a good chance of starting good, healthy, meaningful conversations.

Some men sometimes simply don’t know what to talk about! For a long time one of my most popular relationship articles was 10 Conversation Starters to Help You Talk to Your Girlfriend; guys want to talk to their girlfriends or wives. They just don’t know what to talk about. Making conversation is difficult for many men. Some boyfriends and husbands are very comfortable – and actually prefer – silent spaces in conversations, which can make it difficult and even boring for more talkative girlfriends and wives.

Here’s an important question to think about: has your boyfriend or husband always been quiet and untalkative, or is this a new thing? If emotional distance is a new development in your relationship, it means something different than if your boyfriend or husband never really wanted to talk to you.

Another question to consider: would you and your husband or boyfriend be willing to take a relationship-building course together? I’m not selling one, but my husband and I took the Marriage Course. It was created by Sila and Nicky Lee; our last session was The Art of Communication. We practiced talking, active listening, and summarizing each other. This would be a helpful course for couples who aren’t communicating openly or often.

Good communication is a learned skill. Not just for you, not just for your partner….but for both of you. A great conversation is like an excellent tennis match: both partners are skilled at hitting and returning the ball in equal measure. They’re both interested in participating in the game, and they both care about the outcome. And, they’re both equally involved until the end.

These seven reasons your husband or boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to you (or simply doesn’t know how to talk to you) will help you open him up. Learning the root cause of his reluctance or inability to communicate can make conversations easier – even if they’re the hard relationship discussions we all dread! I created this list of the most common reasons why men don’t talk to women (including why boyfriends aren’t talking to girlfriends and husbands aren’t communicating with their wives).

7 Reasons Why Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Talk to You

If your boyfriend or husband isn’t talking to you because of a recent argument and he’s shutting you down, read 5 Tips for Dealing With the Silent Treatment in Relationships. I recently updated that article to include more ways to encourage men to talk openly and honestly. I also added new research on couples communication.

These are just ideas, possible reasons why men stop talking to the women they love or are married to. Your boyfriend or husband may be dealing with a whole different set of issues, questions, or problems! I encourage you to talk to someone you trust about your relationship – someone in person, whom you trust and can be honest with.

1. He doesn’t know what to talk about

Some guys are quiet, and simply have nothing to say. My husband is one of those men! He’s often said that he just doesn’t know what to talk about. He likes to talk about the news, economy and politics…but I don’t. I love to talk about writing, blogging, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, God and the Bible! So we’re learning how to talk about things we’re both interested in – and my husband’s interest in talking about faith has definitely grown. It just took time to evolve.

What is your boyfriend or husband interested in talking about? What do you yourself love discussing? Those are two good places to start when you’re wondering what to talk about with your boyfriend, especially if you’re in a new relationship. Remember that not every guy is a brilliant conversationalist, nor do they talk simply for the sake of talking. But if you’re asking “why he doesn’t talk to me?” because you know he talks to other people, then you need to do a little more digging.

2. Your boyfriend thinks you might misunderstand him

I’m sure it’s happened to you: you say something to someone – not necessarily your boyfriend or husband – and she or he completely misinterpreted and misunderstood what you meant! Your words were taken out of context, or you said them wrong. Then things spiral out of control and feelings get hurt.

Is it possible that your boyfriend or husband doesn’t talk to you because he fears being misunderstood? Ask him. If you and he haven’t talked about the lack of communication in your relationship, then that’s a good starting point.

3. Your boyfriend doesn’t know how he feels or what he thinks

Sometimes men don’t talk simply because they don’t know how to respond. For instance, when I bring up an issue in our relationship, sometimes my husband says, “I don’t know what to say to that. Give me some time to think.” He used to just clam up and not say anything, until I asked if he could at least tell me that he doesn’t know what to think or say. This works a lot better, because I at least know that he’s heard me.

Maybe your boyfriend or husband simply doesn’t know what to think or feel about whatever you’re trying to talk about. A lot of people – not just men – don’t know how to talk about their feelings or how to communicate their thoughts. The solution? Learn how to communicate better. I’ll share a book suggestion or two at the end of this article.

4. He wants to be the “strong, silent type”

Some men think they’ll sound weak if they talk about issues that bother them. Sometimes it’s easier to keep their mouths shut and ignore the problem, instead of going through the hassle of trying to talk it through. Ignoring conflict is an easy short-term solution, and many of us use it to keep the peace.

Or, maybe your boyfriend wants to talk about relationship issues but doesn’t know what is appropriate to talk about with a girlfriend. We’re not taught how to be in relationships, and good communication skills aren’t learned by watching tv, playing video games, or going to work. They’re learned by getting information and actually practicing what you learn.

5. Your boyfriend doesn’t want to cause relationship problems

Why Your Boyfriend or Husband Does not Talk to You
Why He’s Not Talking to You – and How to Open Him Up

Sometimes it’s easier for a man to just bite his tongue and not say anything, instead of speaking his mind and causing problems or hurt feelings. Some boyfriends and husbands like to keep the peace at all costs so they keep their mouths shut.

Tell me, why doesn’t he talk to you? What is your gut instinct telling you? I suspect you know exactly why your boyfriend or husband isn’t communicating, but it’s easier to search the internet for answers. Facing the truth and actually doing something about it is much more difficult.

6. The topic is too complicated

Talking about relationship or marriage issues can get painful and confusing, and it’s sometimes easier to avoid “the talk.” If your boyfriend doesn’t talk to you, it may be because he doesn’t want to get entangled in messy emotions or conversations.

Or, the topic is really painful or complicated. Couples often avoid big and important discussions because there are no easy answers or solutions. Again, it’s easier to avoid talking about those things than to face the truth and slog through until the end.

7. Your boyfriend thinks you’ll laugh or think less of him

Does your boyfriend hesitate to share his thoughts with you because you may criticize or mock him? Maybe you’re not aware of how he feels about talking to you – or maybe you’re not aware of your own patterns of responding to him.

The best way to identify why reason or reasons why your boyfriend doesn’t talk to you is to show him this list. Hopefully, he’ll be open to talking about why he doesn’t talk to you! The best source of information is the person himself – if he can open up.

If you’re worried about how you and he are communicating – or if a real problem exists – read How to Love an Emotionally Unavailable Man. You’ll see your relationship differently and perhaps get more insight into the reasons he doesn’t talk to you.

Helping Your Boyfriend Open Up and Talk to You

reasons why he doesn't talk to you

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, Gary Chapman describes how different people – both men and women – communicate. It’s possible that your boyfriend or husband is actually talking to you in HIS love language…but you’re trying to hear him in your own love language.

Love Languages is a bestselling book because it’s both practical and insightful. It’ll help you understand different communication styles, and show you if you and your partner are talking to each other, but in different ways.

Maybe your question isn’t “why isn’t he talking to me?”, but rather “HOW is my boyfriend or husband talking to me in ways I’m not hearing?”

The 5 Love Languages taught me that I communicate through “words of affirmation.” My husband, on the other hand, is more of an “acts of service” communicator.  Simply knowing this has changed how we talk – and hear – each other.

If your husband or boyfriend doesn’t talk to you because he’s not around, read What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You.


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24 thoughts on “7 Reasons Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Talk to You”

  1. We use to talk n laugh all the time, our 1st 5 yrs. But, these last 3 of our 10yrs together. Conversation is non existent. I try to to talk about anything. It’s hard to carry a conversation with a person that only uses 1 syllable words as answers. Like, yeah, sure, huh. It gets frustrating. If I try to talk bout our relationship issues. He becomes defensive n starts raising his voice. Nothing gets accomplished or work out for that matter. ( I’ve never had an issue with talking) I’m exhausted emotionally n mentally. I need him specially during this difficult time with the loss of my son 16 mos ago. But, hes just been so detached for the last 4 yrs .

  2. In my case, I developed a crush on a friend who I’ve known for 4 years. We were never really close and didn’t talk too much to each other, until recently. He began to make more smalltalk with me and we had little conversations about different topics. Then he started to text me daily (usually in the evening) and we’d talk again for a few hours. After some time, he confessed that he liked me and now we’re dating. We’ve only been together for a week (I know, that’s not long) but after a few days he stopped texting me and in school, he would rather talk to other people than me when we’re chatting in our friends group. He doesn’t really start conversations with me any longer (but he doesn’t avoid conversation, when I talk to him or send a text he replies right away). It confuses me a lot. I know he loves me, I can tell by the way he looks at me and body language in general, but he doesn’t star conversations with me, not even smalltalk (I also learned that he had this issue with a previous girlfriend as well). Is he just shy around me, bc before we came together, he didn’t seem shy at all? What else could be a reason? (Sorry for grammar mistakes, English isn’t my first language). I’d be thankful for a reply!

  3. Hl lm in a relationship of jus one month old,and we meet through hook up ,actually he made me loved him,from e first two weeks he always get to me but not he doesn’t at all I complaint to him but he claimed he is busy but always online ,I feel like jus letting go ,I dnt know if I’m correct

  4. Two things that are almost never mentioned when this topic comes up:

    1) in Brene Brown’s great book “Daring Greatly,” which deals with the emotional vulnerability of people and how its revelation is a strength rather than a weakness, she writes an entire section on men and their experiences of how unlike what American culture tells men, many women are extremely uncomfortable with their boyfriends and husbands expressing emotional vulnerability. As one man said while pointing towards his wife and two daughters in the distance, “they’d rather see me die on my horse than fall off of it.” Women in this culture are primary raised in households where men rarely show their feelings, much less their emotional vulnerabilities. Their mothers model for them by being in a marriage with such a man that this is the way a man is supposed to be. A woman’s brothers are raised just like the dad was. Disney films always feature some knight in shining armor who saves the today. Romance novels, Hollywood films, romance novels, Cosmo magazine, Sex In The City, etc., all shame men who truly show emotional vulnerability around women. The whole damn culture teaches women that men are supposed to be protectors of women and kids instead of just being regular human beings who have the same emotions, feelings and a need for love and comfort as everyone else. The problem is that when so many women see this from men, as Brene Brown talks about in her book, women become appalled. They view the behavior as unsexy. It destroys the knight in shining armor myth. How can a man be protective of his kids and wife if he comes home from work crying after being emotionally abused by his boss?? It destroys the whole culture they were brought up with. The result, as Brene says, is that women “kick emotionally vulnerable men out of the bedroom.” They no longer want to have sex or be romantic with them. Because they are person that’s a real human being instead of some fake tough guy. Nevermind that many of these men have strong values and will stand their ground and refuse to be emotional doormats. There are those guys and I get that. But too many women are not as emotionally mature as they think they are, but because guys don’t write most self help books about dating or whatever, you never here about all the men who have been shamed by women for being emotionally vulnerable.

    2) Women need to understand that once you enter into a committed relationship with your male partner, no matter how long you have known your girlfriends, he automatically becomes your best friend. And with that comes an expectation that certain personal and relationship issues will stay within the relationship. But too many women love to gossip, bitch and complain about men instead of actually talking to their partner or going to see a professional counselor. My theory about the reason why many men don’t talk about their feelings in relationships, beyond the fact that some woman may have shamed them in the past, is that they found out through some way that his girlfriend’s buddies know the size of his penis or that he was molested as a kid. You don’t share stuff like this with ANYONE, and even more so if your male partner has told you not to. if you read advice columns in Cosmo or Men’s health, it just assumed that women will talk about everything from premature ejaculation to God knows what else. What guy is going to want to communicate with a girl when he knows she spreading this info around. This is one area where I feel men have it over many women. They respect privacy, they keep things in house that guys ask them to keep in house, and they understand that by doing this, it creates a closer bond.

    1. 10 yrs ago we once had a relationship that everyone envied. After failed marriages ( he cheated on both his ex wives n I had 2 cheaters n 2 abusers) My life was finally where I wanted to be. We were both in our 40’s, (I’m 4 yrs older) when we started living together n were just friends 5 yrs prior of dating. Our life was great our sex life even better. We did everything together, we talked about everything, including past relationships n what went wrong. Up until bout 5 yes ago I noticed he started becoming less attentive, less communicative n less affectionate n less sex. I did have a complete hysterectomy 2 yrs into our relationship but that didnt change me wanting sex, just had to do things a little differently. But, that when his excuses started, I dont want to hurt you, you’re not. 3 yrs ago I started noticing he become more secretive, lieing, etc. (he had an issue with porn that I was unaware of, kept everything in his company truck) I found by accident looking for a cordless drill. Now, our relationship is non existent, we’ve been living like roommates for the past 4 yrs. No sex in 2 yrs, he shows no affection, emotional n mentally detached. Hes become obsessive with his phone, we have no communication so I’m unable to try to work on anything. Times I’ve been able to talk hell do different for a couple days n then right back. There’s days he wont look me in the eye. Habits n routines gave changed. There gave been times he’s been suspiciously too helpful. I know I cant live like this no more. I’m so distraught (I lost my 21 yr old son 16 mos ago) so I dont know how many more years of life God has for me. Whatever they are I know I dont want to live like this. I watched my mother in a unhappy marriage for 35 yrs. I’m not her.

  5. We’ve been together 15yrs, married for 5yrs. Once upon a time, we had a great relationship; the kind of relationship that everyone around us admired. Sex was great, conversation was open, public displays of affection, holding hands while we shopped or when out on the town; we genuinely loved one another, and loved being around each other.

    Now he is withdrawn, secretive, and when we do talk it’s more apt to result in an argument or even a fight. If he is ashamed of something he has done, he hides like a child. If he is worried about hurting my feelings he clams up, and now if he is angry over something I have done or said, he refuses to talk to me, and uses sex as a weapon against me.

    When I ask questions he either blows me off, or gets mad at me for impeding on his privacy. When I confront him about certain things (talking intimately to other girls, porn, masterbation, smoking weed, or other things we either dont see eye to eye on or he feels guilty for doing) he becomes very defensive, and then we start fighting. During the fighting, he brings up issues or problems he has with me, that we either never resolved or that he never felt the need to bring to my attention at the time. What starts out as me confronting him about one specific issue, turns into ME apologizing to HIM instead of him taking responsibility for the current issue.

    So now, I talk to him and he responds in 1 of 2 ways: 1) he just sits there doing other things (usually playing games on his phone) but his body language and facial expressions are expressing annoyance of my interrupting or bothering him. He doesnt even look at me anymore, because God forbid I should take him away from his phone. or 2) he argues with me. It seems we butt heads over everything these days. His opinion is the only one that matters, and when I try to say something, he can’t/won’t lef me have an opinion. When I try to say something the responses are mainly “well that’s not how I do it” or “well this is how I’ve always been” or “well this is how I’ve been taught.” Its like the only thing that matters is how he feels, how he thinks, or his opinion that matters.

    What really bothers me, is that this wasn’t always the case. We used to talk things out. We used to work together as a team. Now I feel like I’m not good enough, not attractive enough, like everything is always my fault, like he doesnt want me here anymore, like he doesnt love me anymore. Our effective communication is gone, and I honestly have no idea why or what got us to this point. I’m at a total loss, and feeling more and more like our once wonderful relationship is headed for divorce. How did it go from open, loving, committed, and teamwork, to him lying, hiding, sneaking around behind my back, placating me, and so much tension?

    If I did something to cause this, I would genuinely like to know what it was and how to fix it. More and more, the secrecy and the hiding, and especially the silence, has left me in a state of self doubt and low self-esteem. I once felt safe, once felt loved; respected, appreciated, important, and beautiful to him. Now, all I see or feel is discourse and resentment. 😪

    1. This is exactly my relationship with my husband!! I felt like I was reading my own story. I don’t know how to fix it. If I experiment with being quiet, he ignores me further. Everything is always my fault and I deserve how he treats me.

      1. Though I am happy not to be the only one in this boat, my heart breaks for you Cindy; and anyone else who is dealing with this same issue. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

        That said, I have been doing a LOT of research. I’ve come across a few things for self help, but not much to help with this specific problem. Many of the articles and blogs I have read, put all the fault and blame on the wife: you don’t put makeup on anymore, you don’t dress up anymore, you don’t love or support him like you used to, etc, etc, etc.

        Doing for yourself is one thing, but I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to put on airs, or to be something I’m not just to make someone else happy. I agree, there are a few things I could do to pamper myself, which does in fact help to boost the self-esteem and confidence, but that’s hard to do when a) you dont have the money to do it, and b) it really makes no difference to the relationship. (I could literally walk around the house [and have] naked and it does nothing for him!)

        But what bothers me the most about these “It’s the wife’s fault” articles and blogs, is that it releases the husbands from any fault or responsibility. Ok, so we dont put on makeup anymore, some of us prefer to wear sweats to bed instead of sexy lingerie, we maybe put on a little weight, or gave up our financial obligations to raise the kids…. But what about these husbands?

        I don’t know about your husband, but mine has changed for the worst just as much as I have, if not more. He used to do laundry and cook great meals. Now I’m lucky if his nasty clothes actually get put in the hamper, and his idea of a good meal is a bowl of cereal. The person who was more than happy to take me to see Titanic, is now only interested in the Expendables franchise now. A nice dinner at a quiet, intimate, sit down restaurant, has become greasy burgers at a drive-thru. Tell-all, all-night talks, and honest informative conversations have become yes and no responses, or quiet stillness – like I should just be happy sitting in the same room as him.

        I understand that we all, male AND female, become comfortable with one another, complacent, stale, even boring at times, but when things start to fall into a rut and the relationship starts to suffer, I think it is extremely unfair, and completely sexist to only blame the wife, and to only expect the wife to change. I’ve spent our entire relationship being the one to compromise and give up things I like or want or need, in order to make him happy. They ask for an inch or two, you give a foot, and after awhile they start expecting a mile. It’s like you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t, but either way you’re screwed!!

        I don’t want to divorce, but I sure don’t want to be stuck like this for the rest of my life!

        1. Same here, I’m almost reading my own story. This is sad. I’m sad. He seems to only care about what he is doing. We are miles apart. 10 years and more of this?
          I feel for you both also. I’m sorry. 🥺

      2. No queen you do not deserve that. I understand that comment may have been sarcastic but just in case you deserve so much more than what he’s giving you and if he doesn’t give it freely you have to demand it or walk