How to Get Over Your Affair With a Married Man   Recently updated !


You’re unhappy about having an affair with a married man, but you don’t know how to get over him. Here, you’ll find tips for breaking off a relationship with a man who is married. May you find freedom, peace, love and joy in your life – and may you hold on to your vision of a beautiful future with a man who is dedicated to you.

“I have to keep reminding myself of how many lies I have told over the years,” says Anonymous on How to Break Up With a Married Man – and Heal Your Heart. “I have been lying to everyone who is most important to me for 5 years. I’ve been sneaking around with this married man, ignoring my own husband who loves me more then anyone in this world. I have taken my husband for granted and I am finally realizing that. I find myself wanting to talk to my husband more and be excited about becoming parents (I’m five months pregnant). I decided to end my affair with the married man and still feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I know I’ll have some good moments and bad moments, but hopefully as time passes I’ll have more good. I really do want to end this affair because it makes me sick that I was involved with a married man for so long. I’m just looking for the strength to get through the next few hours, days, and weeks until I stop thinking about him.”

You’re not alone if you’re searching for suggestions on how to break up with a married man. I’ve written several articles about infidelity, and the one that’s most searched for is my blog post on getting over an affair. This surprised me, actually. I was aware that many men cheat on their wives, but I hadn’t thought about who they were cheating with. The comments section on my article about breaking up with a married man has given me a whole new perspective on marital affairs.





Here’s a list of reasons you shouldn’t date other womens’ husbands, plus several tips on how to get over a married man and heal the pain of heartbreak. Having an affair with a married man can rip your heart in pieces…but the good news is that you’re on the right track! You’ve begun the process of healing, simply by searching for ways to get over a married man.

Reasons to Let Go of Him

How to Get Over a Married Man

How to Get Over a Married Man

I suspect you already have your own reasons not to date married men – and your reasons may be below.

But, this list may give you the extra push you need to get serious about the healing process.

  • Adultery is destructive, immoral, and painful
  • A married man won’t commit to a future with you
  • You can’t trust a married man who cheats on his wife
  • You can’t talk about dating married men with your friends and family, so you won’t get much support
  • A married man doesn’t respect the woman he’s cheating with
  • You’ll waste your life waiting for him to make a decision – and the chances he’ll decide to commit to you are slim
  • A married man is living with guilt and shame, which will eventually affect your relationship
  • Good, kind, loving men don’t cheat on their wives
  • Cheating damages families and destroys lives

This last tip would drive me to quickly learn how to get over a married man! Guys who cheat don’t respect or love the women they’re cheating with. No matter what they say, they don’t really respect women who let themselves be used.

If you want to break up with him but feel like you can’t, read How to Get Through a Breakup When You’re Still in Love.

How to Get Over a Married Man

I’ve written lots of articles with practical tips on breaking up and healing after heartbreak. In this article, I want to focus on the power of love to help you move forward in your life. This may seem ironic because you think you’re losing love…but actually, the end of this affair can actually be the start of a whole new life of freedom, peace, and joy for you!

Focus on finding freedom to end this relationship

May you break free from the chains that hold you in this relationship – a relationship you know is unhealthy and destructive for you and others. May you find freedom, peace, and joy in your life. I pray for courage and strength, and for wisdom to learn how to get over a married man without feeling compelled to return to your old way of living. I pray that you take time to bow your head and lift your heart to God.



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Instead of allowing your heart and emotions to dictate your choices, decide to end this affair. Yes, it’ll hurt. Yes, you’ll think about him all the time. But you can be free from the compulsion to see this married man. May you find yourself quickly and free from the bondage of this affair. End your suffering, move forward in freshness and light.

Look at the obstacles in your way

What is holding you back from getting over a married man? Maybe you’ve invested time, emotional energy, or even money in the affair. Maybe you hope he’ll leave his wife and marry you. Maybe breaking up with him is an admission of guilt, and you can’t forgive yourself for the affair.

Maybe you love him.

Being clear on your reasons for having the affair – and breaking it off – will help you find freedom. Why are you searching for tips on how to get over a married man? Start digging around in your heart and soul, and figure out why you started the affair and what’s holding you back from a healthy relationship.

Decide that this affair is over. Period.

How to Get Over Your Affair With a Married ManHere’s my favorite comment from a reader on my other article about getting over a married man:

You have to make up your mind to break up with your married man…It’s hard for me to believe that there are other men who are willing to love me even more but there are. If you do not let go of what’s bad for you, then you’re not making yourself available for a good man. I’d rather be in a relationship with someone I like than in a relationship with a married man I love who can’t make me his priority. THIS ISN’T HAPPINESS. We deserve more. And it starts within ourselves. His wife doesn’t deserve this, either.

Start recreating your life

Part of learning how to break up with a married man is to create your life in a way that incorporates new perspectives, new attitudes, new priorities, and new values. One of your new attitudes has to be acceptance – because you know that resisting this change will stop you from learning how to live happily without the man you love.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • What do I need to let go of in my life that is no longer alive?
  • What is sacred to me?
  • Who or what do I love?
  • What have I sacrificed in order to love this married man and have an affair?
  • What is calling to me now in my life?
  • How can I start living the life I really want?
  • What changes do I need to make so I can live without him?

Take one question at a time and sit quietly with it. Write about it in your journal or the comments sections below. Turn it over in your mind. Don’t overanalyze or overthink your answers. Don’t pressure yourself to come up with an answer. Be willing not to know how you will live without him. What is important is that the questioning gets energy moving deep in your emotions and spirit. From here, change will naturally unfold in your life.

What is one thing you can do today to take care of yourself, and help your heart heal?

Learn how to let go and emotionally detach from him

Breaking up and letting go takes time, but it will happen. You have more power than you think – and you deserve better. You deserve a man who will love and cherish you, wholly and completely.

Letting Go of a Relationship You Want to KeepIn How to Let Go of Someone You Love I share stories about letting go from me and a few “She Blossoms” readers. Our experiences with love and loss will comfort and encourage you.

I share 25 Blossom Tips, each paired with a practical “how to.” Every tip highlights a different part of who you are—spirit, heart, soul, body, and brain. This holistic approach will help you move forward in different ways, according to your personality, mood, energy level and lifestyle.

My life with a schizophrenic mother, absent father, foster homes, attempted rape, infertility, and three years in Africa taught me that choosing to grow forward is essential for healing.

May your heart and soul heal from the pain this relationship caused, and the grief of the breakup. May your heart turn towards the love and peace only God can bring.

If you want to share your story about loving a married man, please write below. I can’t offer advice, but you might find it helpful to share your experience. Writing slows us down and helps us untangle our emotions. It helps us refocus our thoughts and heal from destructive patterns in our lives.


Do you need encouragement and inspiration? Click here for my free Blossom Tips newsletter! One email a week, short and sweet.

xo


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295 thoughts on “How to Get Over Your Affair With a Married Man

  • Hayley

    After 2 months of moving on and feeling myself again I learnt 3 days ago that he’s taken a new job which will result in him visiting my company regularly. This resulted in a 4am panic attack!! I’m going to have to smile and be polite.. the thought of seeing him again!!!! I feel I can never escape this man and I think he will take great pleasure coming into my work place.. another glimpse into my life! I feel I will never be free.. I almost want to quit my job but I won’t find another job that fits my life style at the moment.
    God.. I hate this!!! I actually hate him!!!

  • The Thinking Other Woman

    What I learned about loving a married man goes a little deeper than simply slapping myself on the hand and saying, “It’s bad. Don’t do it.” I learned a lot from, believe it or not, astrology. What I learned from that, and what I learned from books about the ACoA, books by Susan Forward, books about BPD (which my mother has), and books about relationships alerted me to the fact that the three of us came together (in a somewhat acrimonious and some would say disastrous way) to heal something in our lives and, more importantly, to learn what exactly that was.

    Sometimes you have to dig more deeply before you can let go, because until you learn the lesson you were meant to learn, you’re going to keep getting more and more of the same thing in your life.

  • Sophie

    I’m glad I’m not the only one going through this. I feel so angry and guilty with myself because this goes against everything i believe in. I was dating a married man for like 8 months and recently ended it like a month ago. I used to work for my dad fixing car interiors for different dealerships. I worked at this dealership that he apparently worked at, but i had no idea of his existence. That was the first time he laid eyes on me. I then stopped working for my dad and started working at an actual dealership doing paperwork. 2 months into working there he started working there as well. I didn’t really think much of him at first. We started to have a conversation and that’s when confessed to me that he had seen me before working at the other dealership. As time went on, we got to know each other and i slowly started to fall for him. He had everything i was looking for in a man. At the time i was in a relationship that i was not happy in. I would talk about my problems with him and he obviously gave me the comfort that i was looking for. He never mentioned his wife he would talk to me about her like if she was just his girlfriend. She was living in another state with their kid. He told me that they were open into having open relationships with other people. I found that crazy and weird but i shrugged it off because people tend to have a different perspectives on relationships. My biggest mistake was to give in to that. That’s not what i believe in. Anyways, he obtained my number by tricking me into it. He told me he had lost his phone if i could please call it. I didn’t really think much so i did. Come to find out he had his phone in his damn pocket the whole time. (Slick MF) He called me every night and we talked until morning. We talked about his past, my past and life in general. The guy has been through some messed up stuff. I think that was one of the reasons why my feelings grew stronger for him. We both shared a painful past, it was easy for us to understand each other. He asked me out one night on a date and then turned to multiple dates. Our connection was so intense that it got to the point where i couldn’t stop myself from wanting to be his. He woke this feeling in me that i have never felt for anyone else. The first time we became intimate, it was like our souls have known each other for a very long time and were dying to get back together. It was perfect. I felt horrible for cheating on my boyfriend at the time. I knew that i had to end things with him. So i did. I wasen’t happy with him and it wasent fair. I continued this crazy adventure with this man but things started to crumble little by little. A lot of mixed signals. A lot of back and forth. A lot of on and off. He told me that he was going to end things with her once his case was closed in court. He told me that he was with her because he wanted to spend as much as he could with his kids before anything happens. My stupid self believed him. He then tells me that they were getting divorced, and then a week later he tells me that they are not. I got fed up with it and ended it. He came into my office crying apologizing for everything and that he didn’t want to loose me. He had fallen in love with me. I fell for the trap again for things to just continue going back and forth. On and off. I just couldnt let him go. It got to a point where he told me that once everything was over with he was going to come find me…… yeah ok. I could go on and on about all the BS this relationship put me through but it all terminated.The last things he said to me were he was done having to explain his motives of things when he already explained sh*t to me a million times.That he was tired of me calling him a liar and making him feel like sh*t. He told me ” One day sh*t will all make sense”. Its been really freaking difficult for me. Maybe i do deserve all of this for first cheating on my ex boyfriend and for also getting with a married man. I do have to say I still love this man so much and its going to be very difficult for me to move on. I really feel like hes my soulmate.

    • Tricia

      Sophie. I’m so sorry your going thru all of this but dealing with a married man have a certain amount of drama and Heartache .I see married man like a beautiful box wrap nice with a fancy ribbon around it and once U decide to unwrap the beautiful box and open it up U never know what U uncover ! Married Man I believe look for Vulnerable women who are emotional loved Starved or In Toxic Relationship already because we are easy prey for the picking .That why we that give us all that attention and chase us down we know it’s wrong but we fall hard for them especially when we are intimate with them It’s hard being a single woman now a days. But I do know what your feeling. I do miss my M.M too I feel he is pulling away from me and probably seeing another woman I hate to think that I hope maybe he just trying to do the right thing a home with wifey ? He is a middle aged man so I do know I’m not the first and won’t be the last . I to question myself and my morals he is like a drug to me when I have him I’m High on love and as soon as he leave I’m lost and alone . We did I start settling for crumbles ? I to feel foolish I was one of those women judging other women who dated Married Men I couldn’t understand it ? I do now I guess it’s just where U at in life ? I should be be happy he put distant between us I’m not . I do hope U find some inner peace and everything work out for U .

  • Abigail

    I have been having an affair for 18 months with a married man. I am also married, both of us considered ourselves quite happily married before all this started. I have seldom had such a connection with anyone, it was a very special thing we had going, but neither of us were able to allow things to develop. We both knew we were falling for each other but both tried to put on the brakes as the guilt and fear was overwhelming. We rarely spent the night together – once in the last year – and only occasionally met in the daytime in pubs. But the contact was constant, from morning till night, every single day for 18 months. He was a close friend as much as a lover, an important part of my daily life. He taught me loads. Did a lot for my confidence, changed my life, made me so happy. We ended it a few times, sometimes him, sometimes me, and we’d always get back in touch. Anyway over the weekend for various separate reasons we both came to the conclusion it mustn’t continue for the sake of our families and we ended it, almost simultaneously, in writing. Lots of I love yous later, I am floored by the prospect I’ll never see him again. We are both devastated. I am comforted by the comments below. I hope the recovery isn’t as long as the time we were together, they say that don’t they. I am relieved it’s over because of the deceit and guilt and fear of discovery and I want to focus on my poor innocent husband who knows nothing about all this, who treats me well and adores me (I don’t deserve him) but I am very scared my feelings towards him have changed fundamentally because of my affair. There were issues between us anyway which led to the affair taking place but we have done a lot of work on our relationship and I really need to devote myself to repairing my marriage. I am caught in a trap between what I WANT to do and what I SHOULD do here. He’s not available though, so the want part is irrelevant. I just hope my feelings return and I can forget this very special man. He made me feel like nobody ever has, he is an extremely hard act to follow. But he’s not mine. And he never will be. Any advice appreciated. I don’t expect any sympathy, this is all my own doing and I went into it repeatedly with my eyes wide open. It was never going to end well.

    • Susan

      Abigail-Be thankful it DID end well. Alot of affairs dont. Mine ended with me telling his wife, him getting divorced and now he hates me. I still think about him. He was identical to what you described. Was my whole life for 16 months. Now he wont talk to me. The feelings do fade with time.

  • Tricia Hetherington

    I’m new to this I read alot of comments of women and it do help .So here’s my story my Married Man I adore him it’s wrong I know it . The problem is he is the Manager of my building he have total Access to me he can come in my apartment anytime he feel like it and don’t have the money to move .He never talk bad about his wife which I respect he as 2 children .We been off and on for 6 yrs I care for him so much and I’m weak and cannot ignore him long he is not mean to me nor disrespectful to me but he do go dark from time to time .I know I’m not the first Mistress when we are together I’m so happy and as soon as he leave I feel used and lost and alone . When we are in no N/C zone it don’t last long when I go pay my rent he flirts with me all time and I don’t like it because I don’t want people to know my business .I miss him and wish I was his first choice I never thought I would be with a M.M but life happens My problem is how do U let go ? Why do I want a man who don’t want me the way I want him I tried to get another man didn’t work ! I feel lonely and feel like I’m waiting to eat crumbs from his wife plate ! I knew he was married he wore me down he was there for me when my father died and sister . And I need a friend we have not been intimate for about 2 months ! I was thinking maybe because the wife or maybe he got somebody else ? I’m driving myself crazy ! Just need somebody to talk to !

  • Susan

    Hannah – We are codependent people pleasers. I was raised by an abusive alcoholic father and feel no sense of self worth. We are easy targets for these narcissists because they fill our heads full of crap. Tell us everything we want to hear.

  • Hayley

    I was doing so well and today after 2 months he makes a pathetic excuse to text me asking for a ex colleagues phone number which he could have got from other sources. I replied casually mainly cause I don’t want to appear rude.. he proceeded to tell me all about his new job which is now linked to my job and he said ‘I’ll probably see you around now’ I replied ‘no offence but I hope not’
    Talk about taking 10 steps back!! I now feel back to square one and this is exactly why we can never be just friends.
    Will I ever get rid of him!! Mad at myself for replying now but didn’t want to not reply and him think I was struggling.
    Feel like crying right now… back to no contact !!

    • Hannah

      I can relate to everybody and this website has helped a lot. I’ve been somewhat a lurker but have sunk so low I literally don’t recognize myself.
      Hayley it sounds from previous comments like you were doing SO well and are SO strong – please do not doubt yourself – your responses back sounded excellent and you should not be disappointed in yourself but proud how you handled it.
      My situation is a little different and I admire many of you so much for being strong enough to end things yourselves. I tried, many times and just couldn’t follow it through, truly believing I couldn’t be without him. Then he ended it with me, my world fell apart. I went against what I’d always said and tried to be friends. I was ‘coping’ sort of until he lied to me in a huge way and I saw red – his wife ended up finding out as a result (only part of it) and he basically hates me now. We had vague contact for a while but I couldn’t cope with his coldness.
      I’m on no contact now hoping and praying my life can pick up – I literally feel pathetic and worthless. Unlike many of you I’m still hanging on to the ‘what could have been’. Why oh why is my brain so deluded? What was I ever to him? Why did I waste my time believing what he said? What a fool. I thank you ladies for making me not feel so dreadfully alone.

      • Marie

        It’s so difficult to end it. Similar situation for me. I tried so many times. We were together for 4 years. I had the ‘dont contact me’ msg drafted and was just waiting for the courage to hit the button. Three weeks ago I was getting the ‘I miss you’ texts and I fell right back into it. Then out of the blue last week he told me not to contact him anymore because he was breaking up with his wife. He was in pain, needed to get better, didn’t want to continue to doing anything that “isn’t even close to OK” and then wished me good luck…. kinda like a handshake. Damn that stung. I suspect I wasn’t the only one and his wife found out but I’ll never know. My heart is breaking and I feel like such a fool. Is this feeling ever going to end? So Hannah… I’m right where you are.

        • Susan

          Marie – I have been there and the feeling will end. But you have to go total no contact. I know he did this to you but you have to be strong and not contact him. For months I still sent mine emails and texts hoping and praying (yes, I prayed to God for my MM to please contact me – felt like I was dying). He never responded. This man told me we would talk and be friends FOREVER NO MATTER WHAT. He read my thoughts, finished my sentences, we were so in sync. Best friends, lovers, talked daily, etc. It is like your heart is being ripped out. It is like losing a family member almost because you are THAT close to them. But in reality – yes – cold heard reality – they are con artists and narcissists. They play with your emotions. They read you so well that they can actually really know you inside and out. It is scary that these people exist. Once they are done with you they throw you away and think nothing of it. I asked my psychiatrist about narcissist and he told me it “simply does not occur to them to think of other people’s feelings”. My MM did admit to me when we were together that he “had a problem showing feelings” and that concerned him sometimes. How he just “didn’t feel things” like other people. I should have listened to him because that meant me! Pray and trust God to get you through it. You will feel better in time. I look back on my affair and while in the beginning I was so in love and thought we had a future – it became all about sex and all about listening to his problems and just being a sex toy for him. My needs were not being met and he did not care to meet them. It was all about him. The more I reached out to him for love, etc. – the more he pulled away. He just wanted to have sex and have my adoration. He did not want a real relationship with me. And when I pressed for more he pulled away. So I told his wife and she left his ass. I also do not believe I was his only affair. He was WAY too smooth about it and WAY too comfortable with leading a double life.

      • Susan

        Hannah-I feel EXACTLY the way you feel! I tried many times to end it but he sucked me back in every time. Finally I told his wife and now he hates me. Hangin there. The feelings will fade i promise.

        • Hannah

          Thank you, your words of support are very much appreciated. Yesterday was a BAD day, didn’t contact but felt really angry. I’d really like to tell his wife entire truth (rather than the lies he has fed her) but feel I should take a leaf from her book and be more dignified. It sounds dramatic but I feel like I’m never going to be the same again!
          If they are all similar ppl – are we too?? What person is that? I worry about that as had previously thought myself a kind and strong person and this has reduced me to nothing!

  • anonymous38

    you know whats odd…the wife accepted my friend request on instagram… I thought I would get jealous…but not one bit of jealously came over me..maybe its because Im finally over him….and I know who he truly is…A liar and A cheater…

  • V G

    To all-

    So I am dating a man that is still ‘married’ but has been separated from his wife for about 2 years now. I am battling with the idea of he and I even being in a relationship due to the fact that he is still technically married. They have 2 children together that he has majority of the time. Besides the fact that he is still married, he is the perfect man. I just don’t know if I am willing to fully commit myself to being apart of the complicated-ness that comes with dating him. We have been dating for about 2 months now. Please feel free to dig deeper and ask questions, I need insight and advice!

  • Susan

    To all – I found out today that the MM I was seeing got divorced because of our affair. I do not know how I feel about it. I feel bad. I feel guilty. But he was the one cheating on his wife and I believed he really loved me. I thought we had a future together. When I figured out he was just using me – I got angry and told his wife. Well, she left him. Any advice on how to get past these guilty feelings? I have enough baggage in my life – I don’t need this guilt. He’s a bastard for cheating on her for 16 months. He doesn’t deserve her. I think she is a good and decent person.

    • PeggySue

      Hi Susan,
      I am truly sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I have no advice for you regarding the guilt. If you are a religious person (I am not), perhaps prayer and church? Time will help I’m sure. Maybe therapy (which I did myself)

      I do believe when all is said and done, you actually did this woman a favor. If you feel she is good and decent, then doesn’t she deserve to have a husband who loves and respects her? If she had the courage to divorce (which is shocking) then most likely then that is what she wants. I give her credit for being brave enough and having enough self respect to start her life over (so to speak).

      I hope you aren’t considering getting back with him. First of all, do you want him by default? I sure didn’t. Second and most importantly, I remember you said that he told you that you “*ruined his life* by telling his wife. He made it abundantly clear that he wanted the life with HER and not YOU. These words are not meant to be harsh, they are words that I learned myself and that is why I finally ended my affair. I admit by the time I ended it, I really had no feelings left for him as I saw him for what he is. I know you told the wife in order to end it. That is the difference.

      You made me realize something though. You think his wife is good and decent. Perhaps this is why I want to (and will eventually) give the wife my letter. I have zero respect for her as a human being, friend, and *mother*. My MM never really complained about her at all; in fact he never wanted to talk about her, but there were so many things that happened, that I have a very clear picture of the type of person she is. Sure, I want to punish him, but moreover, this woman has always been jealous, insecure and suspicious even when he was not cheating. She did the typical things like demand to see his phone, call a neighbor to ask if his truck was in the driveway on a day he wasn’t working, but my absolute favorite was when she set up her daughter’s old phone to *video record him while he was sleeping* in order to see time he got out of bed to leave the house on a day he wasn’t working (normally he would have slept late, but yes he came to my house) If she wants to catch him, then my letter has details on how to do this. She isn’t smart enough to do it on her own. I make it clear in the letter that I ended it, and I want nothing to do with him. I hope they do stay married because they will be even more miserable. In this case, they deserve *each other*.

  • Cicita

    Hi everyone
    I started my affair with MM about 14 years ago, we met at work, I was young and it was my first job. I was single at the time. He was different and we became friends, then we started flirting and before I knew it, it turned into a full blown affair. At first I was just attracted to him but as time went by I grew to love him very deeply. He took my virginity, I gave him that part of myself that I never gave to any other man. He was my first for a lot of things. We used to do crazy things in crazy places. We could never be seen in public or just go to the movies or to lunch like normal people that are in a relationship. Instead we spent time sneaking around and lying. He made me feel wanted and very sexy. The way he would look at me sometimes would take my breath away. We continued seeing each other for about 5 years and when I realized I had fallen in love with him I needed to run. So I quit my job and him and decided to move on. I didn’t end things properly because I just left and we both did not have any closure. We didn’t speak or see each other for about 5 years after that but I still thought of him even though we were apart and I missed him terribly. In December 2017 I made the silly mistake of accepting an invite from him on social media. He then got my number from a friend of mine who he knew and so it began. We started talking about the past and all the stuff we did and he opened up about everything and so did I. We used to talk for hours most nights and I am still attracted to him and he still wants me as well. I told him that we have to end this because even though we haven’t slept together since we started talking, what we are doing is still wrong. I feel like no other man understands me the way he does, he knows me very well as a friend and intimately and the thought of letting him go a second time is breaking my heart into a million pieces. I know he is hurting and so am I but I cannot continue this lifestyle. It is affecting my peace of mind and my relationship with God because I know what I am doing is wrong. I’m just praying for the courage to say goodbye to him for good. He still wants to be friends but the way I am feeling I don’t think that is possible. When I asked him if he loves me, he said that part of him loves me and that’s the part of him that can’t let me go. I can’t live my life with a man who does not love me with his whole heart, I know I deserve better just need to let him go and deal with the pain. I am still single to this day because I spent so many years chasing after a man who could never be mine, and after all this that has been said and done he has changed overnight, we don’t chat at night anymore, even some days he is so distant. I asked him what’s going on and he makes random excuses like he is busy or tired or sick but he has just pulled away. I’ve asked him what’s his problem with me and he says nothing, I am so tired of this now just waiting for the right time to end it. Somehow in all of this he is completely oblivious to how I feel or what I think. I am so angry and frustrated most days I can’t even concentrate on my work. I get upset and jealous and clingy when he doesn’t give me his time. I don’t like the person I am when I am going through all these emotions, I used to be strong and not let things get to me but some how I let him get to me and I don’t know what to do about it. Most days I want nothing more than to just be in his arms and get lost in his eyes. The nights alone are the hardest because all I want is to make love to him over and over again like we used to in the past and then just once fall asleep in his arms. I love him so much and I don’t know how to move on, he has completely broken me. I am so ashamed and I am torn between giving in to him and letting him go, all I want and need is forgiveness from God for this horrible sin that I keep committing and for peace of mind. We had a conversation a few months ago about this school friend of his that he ran into and they got to talking, this happened before I came into his life again. So he said they exchanged numbers and got to talking, the conversation went in the direction of them starting something but she couldn’t go through with it and I was like oh so if she didn’t mind you were married you would have been with her now and he said yes, that just ripped whatever was left of my heart to shreds. So I said you only came back to me because she rejected you and he said I must not make up stories, then I said but you wanted to replace me and he said he could never replace me. I feel less lonely now after reading your stories and I realised that we are all in the same situation. Thanks for the support and honesty. I am going through the same emotions as all of you. I cannot talk to anyone about this but I am grateful I found this site and you all

    • ann

      Sara I completely understand what you are going through.. I have been with my mm on and off for 18 months, at first I didn’t know he was married but when I found out I ended it for 6 weeks then we got back together… I was in a relationship that I felt I needed to escape.. My boyfriend had put me through a lot and I felt I could not completely forgive him as well as I wasn’t in love with him.. My mm was charming and made me feel wanted… I told him recently that I couldn’t continue with him as my conscience as well as his treatment of me made me so sad.. do we are over now.. It’s very hard though to get over them… What I can tell you is this, mm very rarely love the ow, we are just an escape from their monotonous lives and we are easily discarded and replaced. They do not value us, tell best thing for you to do is forget him,and move on.. They disrupt everything in our lives while theirs is well protected.. please contact me if you feel like talking further , I really need someone to talk to.

      • Louie

        Hi Ann, I wanted to chat with you as it has been very recent that I separated with MM…Hope we can chat and talk.I also have no one to talk to.

          • Joanne

            It gets easier as time goes on. Yea. I still look at his fb to see if he’s changed a picture but I haven’t messaged him. My bday is in two weeks and I feel like telling him not to contact me. Lol. It’s been about six weeks. I’m doing ok. Still miss him but I’m getting better daily.

          • Hayley

            Hang in there… almost 8 weeks for me and I feel sooooo much better. It gets easier. I actually don’t want him To contact me.. huge result. Please stick with it x

          • Tricia Hetherington

            I know that feeling but it does get better over time I do think of mine friend everyday why I don’t know maybe because there Is no one special In my life so when somebody comes along and gives us some attention we hold on to it for dear life . Stay Strong U are not alone U .

    • Lidya

      Hi, I’ve just read your story and I feel completely moved. Yours is really touching. I have also been involved with a married man.I have been seeing him for 7 months now but I’m completely attached to him.
      His wife and him are still a young couple, with a new born baby. But I can’t help but feel extremely jealous of her. He gives her so much attention and care. Even when we’re together he’s ever on his phone, chatting with her. I feel like he’s only using me for his pleasure. He told me that they’ll be moving out of the country in a few months and that tore me apart cause it hit me that he is just using me temporarily and after he’s done he just leaves me and go together with his family. I recently cut all ties with him but I feel terribly broken. I miss him so much and I honestly just hope I’ll move on from him and stop thinking about him.

  • Sara

    I just ended my relationship with a married man. My gut instinct was telling me he was playing with me and had other contacts with woman. Knew deep down that I was not the only one with his private email. Met up with some girl he said was only his friend, but found out she is in love with him and foolish like me. He got to know me so well and played with my emotions. We were so close he would call and message me all the time Hurting so much because I’m stupidly still in love with him. I’m trying to heal myself and regain my self worth. The pain and torment of this kind of relationship eats away into your confidence. A man who is cheating on his wife can never make you feel secure.

      • Tammy

        Most likely yes, yours too is seeing other women
        as well but most importantly he is married with a wife at home!! He will continue to always cheat if not wt you then others or wt you and others!! Do not give him this option wt you, it’s a game he’s playing, an ego trip!!

    • Hayley

      Well done for walking away Sara. It will be hard but go straight into no contact, disappear off his radar. It will be tough but hang in their.. I promise it does get easier.

    • Joanne

      If he can cheat on his wife, he can cheat on you too. I haven’t had contact for about a month, but shortly before I ended it, he had a really nice pic put on his social media( he’s pretty overweight now) and said that was when I was young and do-able. So why put a pic like that out there unless you wanted to look better than you are currently? Looking for someone? Anyway. It does get easier. It’s been a month and I’m at the angry part. My bday is in a few weeks and that was going to be the time we would say hi and see how things were but o don’t want to talk to him. I blocked his phone but he has email. Ain’t gonna worry about it now.

  • Susan

    I still look at his wife’s Facebook and Twitter. She acts like she has a great life. I guess I look for “signs” they are not happy. But she’s a rich spoiled person who came from money and would never outwardly show any signs of unhappiness.

    • Anonymous38

      I look at the wife’s Instagram…idk…In the back of my mind they have this perfect relationship…but when I look at their pictures…I dont see family portraits…just her with the baby…I guess I was expecting something else…

  • nicole Darlen

    i have been seeing this married man for two years now and we’ve broken up like four times every time i move on he comes back apologizing i let him in.at one tym when i had no job he would insult me but wen i got a good job he apologized for all the disrespect.sadly he lost his job and i opted to be there for him since i loved him much.but he would bring me frustrations from his home and quarell over small things.we’ve been having fights every week.one good week then whe gets stresses at home he sheds it on me.I’ve really hold on for so long i call it quits he uses his friends to get me back.I’m really tired i want to move on.i just dont know what to do since i loved him much

    • Cicita

      Hi Nicole

      I feel your pain, I am also going through a similar situation with my mm. He gets frustrated about everything in his life and then takes it out on me or completely ignores me. I just hope we both have the strength to call it quits soon for the sake of our sanity, just know that you are not alone in this

      • Anonymous38

        She and I were friends on Facebook and Instagram…she sent me the friend request btw…and I accepted cuz I was curious…but than I blocked her..

        Im curious to see whats going on since she’s had the baby…so I sent her a friend request on Instagram…

        Him I could care less..cuz I can assure you there is nothing on his facebook or Instagram about the baby and his wife…

    • Lidya

      Hehehe I know right!! I also stalk the wife daily and I feel so angry at her for no reason. Maybe I somehow wish I was in her position

  • Hayley

    Well ladies.. today marks the day of 40 days no contact and I’m celebrating.
    It gets easier believe me. Feeling so proud of myself even if I did have to hide my phone in the shed on day 27!
    I still think about him daily but it’s getting less now.. am I sad he’s not contacting me? I was.. but now he’s doing me a huge favour by not.
    I’m starting to wonder if I did really love him after all. I’m starting to feel like me again. Much love x

  • Shirley

    I agree with you, Hayley! They will never leave the wife! It is a comfort zone, No matter how bad he tells you! Can you really BELIEVE anything he says?!!!!!!!!!! They are selfish, self centered Rogues! 2 years into my 6.5 year affair, I realized I did Not want to deal with the creep 24/7! He had meddling kids & her family! He was generous with the money & gifts, SO I PUT UP with him!! Of course, old wife needs his income for survival! Done now for 2 years!! Empowered & now wondering what the HELL, did I see in him! The sex was never that Great! Good riddance! The wife can deal with him! Sure he will cheat again, if opportunity arises! He is SO IN LOVE WITH HIMSELF!

    • torn

      Im 32 and ive been with this mm since i was 29.i met him when he was separated. Even lived a of months with him till i found out his wife was pregnant. I moved out but was deeply in love with him. Continued to have contact, its been 3 years and im still stck. He treats so bad and i dont know how to let go. He manipulates me anf makes me feel that im a whore for wanting to ends things bcuz im gna date and potentially have sex with other men. I had vaginismus and was unable to have intercourse untill him. I lost my virginity to him at the age of 29. Please help i dont know what to do. Hell never be with me, has his wife n kids but still wants me there. Always asking where im at, who im with, where im going. But i cant do that to him cuz im not his wife. Please someone help me get through this. Help me know im doing the right thing by walking away

      • Tricia Hetherington

        U poor girl my situation is different from yours but pain is all the same .I know it’s hard to walk away from somebody U care so much about but U need to gain your inner strength and walk away. But I know when a man is your first or U haven’t had alot of experience in the bedroom dept when a man have sex with U he tap into a woman soul she form a bond with him but they don’t feel that way about us for one they have their wife at home and [2] Men heart is different from a woman they keep us for sex and Ego that’s all we only exist In their lives for those reason .And don’t feel bad about being use because everybody get’s used but when U get tired U will walk away .Love yourself know your worth U are special either he I your life or not . This to shall pass I will keep U Prayer . Talking U Guys Is My Therapy.

  • Susan

    Do they love their wives? I also say yes. Also because they have the history, bond and kids. My MM also married into money so they have a VERY large house and live a very rich lifestyle. He told me he was simply not physically attracted to her anymore after being together for 22+ years. He said they never had sex – maybe once a year – and never touched. That there was no intimacy. So that’s what he had me for. I also stroked his ego and listened to his every complaint about work, life, etc. They are bored plain and simple. It’s a horrible thing. I still think of mine every day and pray for God to forgive me and help me get over him. I am sure he has moved on to someone else and never gives me a passing thought. This from a man who told me once it would be “devestating” if we ever didn’t talk.

    • Hayley

      Wow.. they really are all the same! And if they have moved onto someone else goodluck to that other woman I say.. I’d rather someone else deal with upset etc.. that’s if another woman would ever give them the time of day that is !!

    • Anonymous38

      I honestly dont believe they love their wives…if it was a one time mistake..just sex..than okay…but to build a relationship with another woman…meet the family..take him to the doctor-well in my experience…Im sure if his wife found out she wouldnt feel loved…oh also having sex with another woman while your wife is pregnant!?!?!.. thats not love…

      And hides that fact the he’s married and has a son…smh..

      • Hayley

        Men can seperate sex and building a relationship outside is to make them feel wanted/needed to fill a need. But deep down they do love their wives although we have difficulty understanding it. Do they respect their wives?? No not at all. Do they respect us? No not at all, sorry but it’s the truth.
        If they didn’t love their wives they wouldn’t be there simple. Nothing would stop a man from being with the woman he truly loves, nothing.. kids mortgages nothing!! Plenty of men leave.
        And if the shit hits the fan where does he stay? Cause deep down he does love her even if he is messed up!
        Sorry that’s just my opinion. I would love to believe he loved me and not her but I was living in denial.

        • Anonymous38

          Hey hayley..its so hard for me to call that love…very hard… but I understand what you’re saying…Maybe there is “love”…but he doesnt love her enough to not cheat…

          And also hiding the fact the he’s married and has as a son on FB…he makes sure tagged pictures of her pregnancy doesnt show on his page….tagged pictures of her and the baby….

          Maybe other cheating husbands love there wives..
          But he doesnt…I dont think he loved me either..he was just bored and wanted to play with me…

          Just imagine if we’re all talking about the same guy…lol…that would be funny..

          I dont think I loved him either…I developed some weird obsession and infatuation..

  • Lelani

    I was emotionally seeing a married man off and on for the last 10 years, you see he wasn’t married when we first met but I was too young for him he was 20 and I was 15, we talked for about 2 years and saw each other till he met his now wife and got her pregnant and had to move to the u.k a few years ago he moved back to join the army , and we started talking again, it was just innocent until it turned into an affair this went on for about 3 years till very recently she found out by an email with a nude pic of me that he asked for.he had 3 kids and I feel awful, obviously it’s all over but I don’t know how to get over him or the guilt of what his wife must be going threw. I also have a boyfriend who loves me very much but has never satisfied me in the bedroom which is one of the reasons the whole affair continued, I can’t sleep probably or eat ( his wife made him send me a very hateful email and even though I know he didn’t mean it I can’t get ur words out my head how do I move on?

  • Tammy

    Use that anger to let go of someone that is using you and doesn’t obviously care about you let alone those you love!! He will come back wt I didn’t realize you were so upset n of course I love n care about you but remember actions speak louder than words ever can!! “A Man can tell you who he wants be but his actions shows who he truly is”!!

  • Christine

    I was married for 20 years but very unhappy and not in love with my husband. My had feelings for my boss. Never thought he felt the same way because he seemed happily married and very involved in his church. The 5 year affair started at a company weekend function where we both told each other how we felt. I was never so in love with someone in my life. He told me he loved his wife, but was no longer in love with her. They had just adopted an 8 year old boy, so he said he couldn’t leave. I agreed with him because the boy had been through so much in his life already. We are both 53 years old.

    I ended my marriage after the first few months of being with my mm because I wanted my husband to find someone that loved him the way he deserved to be loved. My husband never found out about my mm.

    For over 5 years we would try to break it off only to get back together because we were so in love. My mm ended things in February. I then found out he was talking with a 27 year old girl in the office. I called him out on it and he said they were just talking. We got back together for a few weeks and he broke it off again. I caught him with the younger girl. I confronted him again and he tried to lie his way out of it again, but he knows I don’t believe a word he says.

    I told him I was going to tell his wife and he said he wasn’t afraid because he knew his wife would never leave him. He has 2 biological daughters and one is 25. I would never tell his wife as I don’t want to hurt her or his kids. I was just so angry that he is with this young girl. The girl is living with a 49 year old who she just broke up with. She likes older men. She had daddy issues.

    My heart is so broken. I know I deserve better and it’s for the best, but it’s so hard going to work everyday and seeing the both of them. We actually had a company outing and the young girl was not there and he expressed that he loved me. Not sure why he did that. Guess it was the beef talking, which is what I texted him the next day. He never responded.

    Unfortunately I can’t quit my job. It is 2 miles from my house and they pay me well. I have a 15 year old son and 22 year old daughter. My relationship with my ex husband is great. We are great friends and he even talks to me about the women he dates. I really hope we both find someone we are in love with.

    I just want to stop thinking of him every second. He consumes my thoughts. I pray to God all the time to help me. I am on depression medication and it has helped but I hate feeling this way.

    • Tammy

      Christine, You are hurting terribly and we have all been there n unfortunately more than once wt these men. He’s a user n he will find yet another girl n another, please don’t waste any more time on him and lose yourself more….he’s not worth it, our lives are only getting shorter n we all need men that make us a priority not men that are looking for the quickest hook up wt anything that is available!! I pity his wife that has to actually live wt this man and so should you, you fell in love wt who you thought he was not who he really is!!

      • Christine

        Tammy, I pity his wife too. He preaches at his church and every one, including his wife thinks he is a perfect man. I would be able to deal with it better if he wasn’t with a girl that could be his daughter. He even said to me that he could never be with her because she acts silly, immature and had daddy issues. I just can’t believe he’s with her. He told me I was his first and would be his last. I feel like such a fool. It would also be easier if I didn’t work with both of them.

        It’s my own fault. He always told me he couldn’t leave his wife. He says she is so good to him but he isn’t attracted to her anymore. I should have never been with him. I was at a vulnerable state with my marriage and he gave me the attention I wasn’t getting from my husband.

        My mm still stares at me and tries to talk about what’s going on in my life but I just revert back to business. He can’t be loyal to anyone. I shouldn’t be shocked he lied to me since it came so easy for him to cheat on his wife and lie to her for over 5 years and probably even before me.

        I hope she catches him some day to know the man he truly is. He will lie his way out of it. He truly is not the man I thought I fell in love with. He told me I was his sole mate and he had never loved anyone as much as me. Everyone was a lie. Thanks for the feedback.

  • Daisy

    I do not agree with telling the wife. She found out about me before (years ago), had photographic proof, and she didn’t leave him, and I honestly believe he could do anything at this point and she will still stay with him. I can’t imagine what must go on in her mind, but he told me she had a breakdown years ago and she is not in the best health anyway. She is also dependent on him for income and insurance and their lives revolve around their college aged kids and his mother in law lives a few doors down from him so their lives revolve around family. She has gained about 100 lbs since her breakdown. I would feel like I was pushing someone over the edge. I don’t want to be responsible for hurting someone that way. I feel it’s his responsibility to tell her, not mine.

  • Charlotte

    I have been seeing a married work collague for 5 months now, he is 40 and i am 27. He is very charming and charismatic, ive always been drawn to him. Ive tried my hardest not to get feelings, but at the start he was showering me with attention. Now though, he harasses me for nudes, tells me to go and date other men, comes round to have sex with me. I feel utterly used, everyday i wake up and i feel almost in pain, my chest hurts and its another day of me trying to get his attention and barely getting anything in return. I know i need to end it for me, and regain my self worth. Im just afraid of the long process i know its going to take. I no longer know what im clinging on too anymore, i think i just hope one day hes back to that lovely man he was at the begining.

    • Tammy

      Charlotte, I am so sorry Luv but yours is a complete user and an a** to boot!! You are not a sex object and you deserve so much more!! You are young and starting your life and he’s on the sidelines watching n living through you by telling you to date but wanting to use you for sex!! Please run!!! Do you really want to lose and waste yrs on this creep, you have stated yourself he’s changed into something that makes you feel ill….there are good men that are not married or creepy!!! You may hurt for a short while but imagine what it would be like if it continues on for longer, he’s also ruining your chances wt other good men and possibly your reputation at the work place along wt your position. He’s a user and abuser the way he is behaving!!! Run, run fast!!!

    • Hayley

      Charlotte – run!!! Seriously run.. get out now! This man doesn’t even treat you with respect and that’s the one thing I did demand from my MM even though deep down they don’t respect us anyway but I demanded it.
      Mine was also a work colleague so I left and got a new job.. best thing I ever did. Granted he seeked me out again years later but I’m so glad I no longer work with him.
      Start no contact today ! Delete, block and run.. and do not send him any pictures!! You can’t trust him.
      They all start off charming, believe me.
      Please honey.. run away from this narracist it’s going to end badly, with your tears. Trust all of us on here! X

  • Susan Moseley

    To everyone – Telling the wife only made him hate me. Which I thought was what I wanted. I kept trying to break it off with him but he sucked me back in time and time again with his bs. He would text me and email me how much he cared about me and he would never give up on us. So I fell for it and went back so many times. Only to sit and watch him go on family vacations, have to get off the phone because our 20 minute daily phone call from his work to home had ended, I got crumbs. We rarely talked on the weekends because he was with his family. I got tired of it all. And so I told his wife. I gained 60 pounds after we broke up. I hate myself now. He hates me. He won’t speak to me and hates me. What good did I do telling her? Even SHE hates me. I am the bad one. I have struggled with depression my entire life and this has put me in a terrible place. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to work. I just want to sleep and hate myself.

    • Shirley

      Susan M.
      I wish I could REACH OUT & give you a HUG!! So sorry for you! It is a loss, BUT YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS!
      If you can afford some counseling, try to get a few weeks. In the meantime, get out of bed, get dressed. Take a walk, meditate. I know, you are miserable & DO NOT KNOW how to move forward. Do it in small steps. You are broken away from a piece of TRASH! The wife deserves him! Who cares, if they hate you! They would, anyway, No MATTER what you do! You, RISE ABOVE IT! YOU are a BETTER PERSON! You deserve MUCH BETTER!

    • Belle

      Hi Susan, Ive been seeing a married man for about a year. Told me he didnt love his wife, told me I was his soul mate, told me he loved me, didnt make concrete promises but made comments about not ruling our ever having a future as dustance in the future as it may be. I then pushed a bit of told him I just wanted to know that maybe just maybe there may have been even the remotest chance. I just wanted to hear it to give me just a little something a tit bit in the big scheme of things. Now Ive been told hes ‘scared of me’ ….scared of what!! He is the one been fueling this but when I repeat the same lines I get pushed away as ha has done so now. Again. Im hurting and cant seem to move away from this when its been him drifting in and out of my life the last year. Im single btw for all intent purposes! Im wrung out emotionally and completely drained and so so hurt.

  • Hayley

    I’m sorry but I do not agree with telling their wives. Please ladies, think very careful before you do this.
    You knew he was married.. and the mistress is always blamed, always!
    Unless you want your name dragged through the mud and maybe your life made a living hell then please do not do it.
    Personally for me, I don’t want to give him a reason to hate me even though I hate him. I would rather him wonder about me and wish he could be with me than him have hateful thoughts about me… cause then I win. Just my opinion.
    Plus the wife never deserved any of it to begin with… I just secretly pity her.

    • Joanne

      True. I think part of my feeling angry at her was thinking she was the one keeping my mm from me. Nope. That was him. She has no clue. I’m done and it’s over so why hurt her and her kids? Because I’m hurting? That’s not right. I’ve done enough not right stuff the last couple years! She doesn’t deserve to intentionally be hurt.

    • Anonymous38

      Ive been seeing my married boyfriend on and off for about 2 years…he broke it off with me when his wife got pregnant…but now he’s back in my life just for sex…the relationship is completely different now…its not emotional as before just physical…with that being said, I was so hurt when he broke up with me…It was during the time my cousin died and I felt lost…but guess what he never told me his wife was pregnant…I saw it in a dream…I asked him about it he said yes!!! Smh..and till this day he never talks about his son…I asked him hows fatherhood, he just ignores the question..

      Well anyway i think the reason mistresses want to tell wives about the affair is because of the hurt and pain we feel..
      And the husbands seems to just get away with it…they just get to go home back to there happy comfortable lives…while they lie and cheat on their wives…I just think its not FAIR!!!

      I honestly think some wives know…and they just turn a blind eye…check this out, on his facebook page there are no pics of his son..and he’s the type to post everything on FB!!! smh…its unfortunate that she doesnt notice these things…when she finally opens her eyes, she’ll see him for he really is..

  • Susan

    Peggysue-I actually told his wife because I knew it would end the affair. I was completely miserable. I was wracked with guilt over sleeping with a married man (I’m a Christian and it caused me constant guilt). I wanted more and he would never give me the slightest hope. He would only say “Let’s just enjoy what we have” or “I cant predict the future”. Then he started saying how he could “never hurt his kids” and that he “needed some time to think”. I knew he was pulling away from me. I couldnt believe it. I thought he loved me. So I got very angry and told her. That was it. He now hates me and says I ruined his marriage. I’m still trying to let go. It’s been 2 years since I told his wife. He continued talking to me for the past year but it got very ugly and i said alot of mean things to him. He ultimately told me never to speak to him again because he would not respond. I have not received a response since. It has put me in a depression over the past few months since he cut me off.

    • Anonymous38

      Im a Christian as well…everytime I had sex with my MM…this overwhelming guilty feeling tortured my soul…I was shocked…never had that feeling before….

  • Sheila

    after almost two years of trying to move on from a 6years relationship that didn’t work out, I finally decided to date this guy I met at the gym. On our second date, he opened up to me that he was married. Devastated and shocked, I went home with pains in my heart. (I mean after so long I decide to date and he’s married)? Talked to a friend about it and she advised I give it a try since he could be of help to me financially. I thought it through and decided to go on with the relationship. First, because I ve been alone for too long and Just need to have a feel of a man in my life. I was getting too bored and Lonely. (Too lonely I was beginning to loose my sense of responsibility). The financial aspect was truthfully secondary.
    I went ahead with the relationship. Withholding sex for a while just to be sure I was ready for whatever comes with it. he wasn’t in anyway as committed as a normal boyfriend would be, meaning I started complaining about his communication attiude very early in the relationship. Which he never did anything about. But then I kept telling myself, this is a married man, what do you expect. I kept on encouraging myself that I could handle all the shits that comes with the decision of dating a married guy. It got worst by the day. I knew he wasn’t as much into me especially the way i wanted him to be, and the standard way every other relationship would be. Amidst all that I still went ahead to get intimate with him, hoping I would still get the adventure I was craving for. There were only a few times he made me happy, but obviously, he makes me sad more than he makes me happy. More because I expect a standard relationship from a married guy. Because I didn’t know how to play that game. Just because I believe things should be done in the way they ought to be done. I kept on pushing because I wanted to prove to myself I could do that which every other girl does. I was simply too proud to let go without achieving what I wanted with him. Sometimes he goes days, and weeks without calling me. Communicating only when it’s absolutely very convinient for him. To me, this is karma, because all my life, I ve done nothing but try so hard to not make even one single mistake with guys. I was the hardest nut to crack. Now I would say he broke me. And my ego is badly hurt.

  • Shirley

    Hello ladies,
    I have been reading your various comments. I have found this site very helpful. I was in the affair for 6.5 years. DONE AND OVER the MM for 2 years. It is NOT EASY, BUT you do get over it & move forward.
    The take away from all of this is:
    These MM are all alike—liars, obvious cheaters, self absorbed, & can easily live both lives without a care for the affair partner.
    They know all the right things to say, But most of it is BS.
    I, too, thought about contacting the wife, BUT I would only look like the fool. Plus, NOT WORTH, the risk of retaliation!
    Silence can be GOLDEN! I really wanted revenge and hoped he could be as miserable, as I felt. Over time, that idea fades and just knowing, he is STUCK with the the overweight, not as Fab as me ( I am excercising, lost 20 Lbs, changed hair style, & look good) goofy wife! I would Not have been so motivated to lose the weight, had I stayed with him!
    Some of these characters will find another woman & repeat their cycle. It becomes a challenge for them to see, how Much they can get by with & fool old wifey!
    The majority of the wives need their incomes—was such in my case & his kids & her family constantly reminded him!
    Be EMPOWERED, MOVE ON, & have some PITY for the wives! Most of the wives have No Clue, as to the Creep, they married!

    • Susan

      I did tell the wife and that was what ended our 16 month long affair. We were like best friends. Texted all day every day, emailed at night. He took me on business trips with him. We would lay in bed and talk for hours. I feel like a piece of trash. He dropped me like a hot potato when I told his wife. I was tired of playing second fiddle. I wanted an answer as to when/if he was ever going to leave her for me. He gave me the constant run around (let’s just enjoy what we have, I can’t predict the future, blah, blah, blah). It was so easy for him to just cut me off completely. I was shocked. Still am. I send him mean texts and emails and he doesn’t respond. I last heard from him 3 months ago when I had surgery on my arm. He sent me an email to ask how the surgery went. I sent his wife an email telling her that he had emailed me and I never heard from him again. And he has never responded to anything I’ve sent. It is very humiliating and I feel like a fool. I am so hurt and angry. How could he do this to me?

      • PeggySue

        Hi Susan,
        I’m sorry for you. He could do this to you because their priority is always not getting caught so they can keep us on the side. I feel the same as you now. Just hurt and angry and I can’t look back on anything in a positive light (our talks/time together etc.) because I immediately think “what a fool I was”. This is why I contemplate giving the wife the letter. Just to make him hurt and give him just a taste of the misery that I felt over the past 2 years.

        The fact that he has had *zero* consequences from the affair is what bothers me. At least you did make his life miserable. I hate to say that because it just reflects poorly on me, but at least you did that. I’d be happy having that if I were you. Your MM is one of the very few that have had consequences, and I applaud you for that.

        Unforutnately, I know you thought that by telling his wife that he might leave. After I ended it, I asked my MM what he would have done if he got caught. He told me flat out that if he got caught, he would “see what she wanted to do”. In other words, he would stay married if she wanted or divorce if she wanted. How pathetic is that? I really got my answers from him after I ended it so that just fueled my desire for revenge. I clearly see how little I meant, but also what a *coward* he is. They all are.

          • Hayley

            Yes I think they love their wives, they have the history and the ‘attachment’ bond with them. My MM openly admitted he was bored and sometimes lonely so I think the reason they cheat is pure selfish reasons and why women like us will never win.

          • Daisy

            Yes. Mine told me he loves his wife in a different way than me, not more but different. It is based on family and history and attachment. He constantly says he can’t weight love but it’s different. So yes they love their wives and are masters at separating things and compartmentalizing which allows them to lead double lives.

    • Joanne

      I think I’m done. I’m at that sorta angry point where how could I do that to another woman(who doesn’t know), risk tearing apart a family, my self respect..why? For some attention and a few get togethers for sex. Yea. Great sex. But was it worth all the heartache and guilt over the last couple years? No. Is it worth me fighting to move on? No. Does he deserve my love? No. His wife does. Not me. When I get weak I look at the pics of his kids and think how would they feel losing their dad over all this? I’ve been thru divorced. It’s not worth it. Now I’m lonely and miserable and he’s on a family vacation to who knows where. He obviously was using me even if he put on a good show and said allll the right things and maybe did care— bottom line is he chose his wife. I deserve more.

      • PeggySue

        Hi Joanne,
        My heart hurts for you, but I admit that after over 2 years, I still don’t have the guilt. I was in therapy over the affair, and talked about my guilt over not feeling guilty. Rationally, I know that no woman deserves to be cheated on, but I just can’t get past not liking her for things she has said and done over the years.
        For the rest though, I feel exactly the same way as you. I’m lonely and miserable when previously I was fine being alone. I want the type of friendship/relationship I had with him, but *not with him*. I’m so happy I am to that point now. I don’t ever want to be with him ever.
        My MM didn’t say all the right things, but small things here and there (only when I brought it up) that made me think he’d eventually be unhappy enough to leave/realize he was happy with me. I realize now that from day 1, he knew he wasn’t leaving; I was always an affair to him.

        It is easier to fight to move on once you are at the angry point – which you say you are. I look back and just think of how foolish I was to believe he ever truly cared or how I spent most time unhappy because I wasn’t with him. He was fine living both lives.
        99% of them are.

        • Joanne

          So true. They get their ‘normal’ life and family and the holidays and vacations. We get crumbs. When convenient for them. I had to lie to people to watch my kids the few times we were able to meet up. Last night I was thinking— how often did he ask me questions about ME. My feelings. My stuff. He was almost always talking about sex or sex related stuff. Sometimes work. Sometimes world events. But mostly HIS desires. So. I am keeping this in mind. Selfish selfish man. Risking his family to have sex with someone who he isn’t going to stay with anyway. A small part of me wants to message her and blow it for him. But it’s not her fault. And I don’t want to be with him anymore. He’s not the guy for me even if he was single!! So I’m done. He can go about his business. I’m going to heal and when the right man comes along.. then I’ll be ready.

  • PeggySue

    Hi Hayley,
    I’m posting here as I didn’t see the reply ‘button’ below in our thread. Thank you for trying to talk sense into me. You are right, I know I should be the bigger person and not send the letter because it’s wrong, but the reasons you listed, are what I want actually. I don’t ever want to see him again. I want him to have *consequences*. I was hurt, and he was not. I had consequences, he had none. I’ve stopped hiring him for work at my house/yard and *that* is another huge consequence for me.

    I don’t care one bit if he hates me. I hate him. I *know* she will “forgive” him (she won’t divorce but I dbout forgive) but she will make his life even more miserable. She is extremely jealous and insecure and is always suspicious of him so this will really make it worse. That’s what I want too. I’m not proud of feeling this way at all. Before I had prided myself on being the bigger person, but it’s not working now. Now that I realize I meant so little to him.

    I see her every morning on my way home from the gym; I live within walking distance and every time I go by the house it makes me angry. He just got to go on living his life. I know he had the ‘it was fun while it lasted’ attitude. He told me he would have stayed in the affair until I got tired of it or he got caught.

    I just don’t believe karma will do anything. That’s another thing we tell ourselves.

    The ONLY hesitation I have is that they will retaliate in some way. They are both emotionally immature. He admitted it after reading an article I sent to him on the subject. So “payback” would be something they’d want. Well, maybe I want to be just like them 😉 The fact that I live within walking distance makes payback even more worrisome.

    • Hayley

      Please be careful Peggy sue especially if you live so close she will become obsessed with you, stalk you even! Yes I’ve had thoughts of printing his selfies and sticking them on his wife’s car or the lampposts in his street haha but I don’t want him to think I’m that bothered (even though I am) cause it feeds their egos.
      We have to remember, we think they aren’t hurting like us but that’s because men suppress their emotions so when we have finally moved on thats when it hits them later on down the line. He will hurt when he can’t find another woman to be his biggest fan again and he’s all lonely at home, trust me. This is why my MM goes through these cycles and I wouldn’t be surprised if yours doesn’t try to return one day.
      I think you would be much better off finding an handsome man and go jogging past his house together daily. Haha I would do this. She’s already jealous anyway so it wouldn’t achieve much, she will still stay and you’ll feel like crap again.
      The best revenge is complete silence.

      • PeggySue

        Hayley,

        I asked him once after the first 4 months of no contact, if he knew how lucky he was that I keep “my mouth shut” about the affair. His response “yes, I think about it *every* day”. He is not missing me. He is grateful that his life wasn’t disrupted. Granted, he would be happier to have his real life and me on the side, but that’s it.

        I also asked him if his wife or his ex-girlfriend (and mother of one of his kids) were ME, would they keep quiet. He rolled his eyes and said “no”.

        He will never contact me again. That is how he is. He knows I don’t want to talk to him, so he won’t bother. I also believe he pretty much got over me after the 4 month no contact last year. I am over him as well; *except* for the revenge part. If he called me right now and said he was leaving and wanted to be with me, I would not give it a minute of consideration; the answer is no. I have no desire at all to be with him. Now, would I like to meet a man with his personality traits, patience etc. Yes. But I see him for what he is now, and I have no desire to be with him ever.

        The only reason I started up with him again after the 4 months no conact was really because I wanted more recent “proof” for when I told her everything. It fizzled quickly for me because I knew the kind of person he was and my feelings for him had all but disappeared. Now every time I think of something that reminds me of him, I just think of how foolish I was. I don’t really have fond memories; I just think I was a total fool I was who intellectutally knew better, but somehow thought my situation was different. Ha, I know that’s ridiculous.

        I don’t see how silence is any revenge at all. He has his life just as he wants it. Yes, I know she will stay with him. Again, I *want* her to stay with him. She will make him MORE miserable. That is the only goal I want to accomplish. She is on his case so badly now, I can’t imagine how it would be if she had proof. I know it’s wrong, but that thought gives me great pleasure.

        Again thank you for advising me against it. I know it’s wrong, but I just wanted to clarify some things, and I truly wish you the best. You are certainly a better person than I am.

  • Joanne

    2.5 yr affair. Off and on. Didn’t want him to leave his wife til towards the very end. Many attempts at no contact the last year. Usually me who contacted again. Finally have had enough. He’s gone on too many vacations with the family. Hello! Duh. He has made his choice. So. This time I’ve deleted. Blocked. Told him don’t contact me again. I pray I have the strength to stay away this time.

    • Hayley

      Joanne please read the book the no contact rule by Natalie Lue to keep you strong.. it’s been a life saver for me. Read it 5 times.. Good luck.. I’m 4 weeks into no contact and feeling so much better.. day 27 was a bad tho for some reason but day 28 was good again. Trust Me x

  • Daisy

    I haven’t quite figured out this page yet – have gotten a few comments back from my original post and wanted to reply the posters but can’t quite figure out how to reply. The thing is that I have in absolute secrecy about my relationship for so long that something about coming here and posting has helped tremendously. No, I’m not ready to go no contact but just being able to write and get these feelings out of me has been a huge step. I have been communicating a lot less to him the last three days and thinking more about how I can get to a healthier place. I have faith that I can get to a healthier place and not be here in 7 years or another 7… I’m also looking for a therapist through my employee assistance plan. Thanks everyone who took time to read my post and comment back.

    • Hayley

      Daisy No one on this page was or is ever ready for No contact but unfortunately you will not start to heal and become stronger until you pull that plug. I’ve tried many times but the fear of losing him forever made me go back.. so I did the slow fade instead until I got to this point but the truth is, it’s only now that I’m fully no contact that I’m start to feel better.
      You can do this. You don’t need him I promise. Goodluck

      • Daisy

        I had a true wake up call today when there was a very scary situation in my neighborhood while I was at work, there was a hostage situation in my neighborhood with SWAT teams and shots were fired and everything… it made the local news here. I was TERRIFIED that my 20 yr old daughter was home and ran out of the office in a panic. LITERALLY had text messages from a guy I dated two years ago that were more concerned than what my mm showed me! I texted him and told him what was happening and that I was freaking out.. his response VIA EMAIL was to say that he was reading it on the news.. didn’t ask me if I was okay, if my daughter was home/okay, or god forbid pick up the phone to talk to me. I am beyond devastated and livid at him. I always said he was my best friend but he is not. This was a wake up call for me and I am struggling with immense anger right now.

      • JEnnifer

        But how long will it take till you wake up not wanting to die and curl up in bed all day? I’ve been back and forth for 7yrs now. He had a huge row with her and threatened him that she’ll leave but then the next day she’s back to i love you’s and how areyou msgs to him. I’m back to 0 again. I thought that row will do something for me. Will eventually make him choose me. But no. Last night he said “I won’t ever leave her and my kids” they’re not kids anymore. They’re in their 20s for godsake. How do i start.? It’s hurting me so much .. please God tell me how

        • Hayley

          Read the no contact rule book by Natalie Lue.. start to reclaim your life back. Turn all that energy into yourself and learn to love yourself instead. You were a person before he entered your life remember!
          Full no contact works with time please trust me… i don’t want mine to ever contact me again now.. a few weeks back I was begging for that text. It really works you just have to ride it out.
          Ps: he was never going to chose you no matter how bad things got at home!
          This book will help you. Goodluck

  • Daisy

    I have been in love with my mm for 7 years. I would say that just about everything about us is perfect except our timing. This relationship has given me the highest highs and the lowest lows of my life. He is a wonderful writer, has written the most beautiful letters to me, he is passionate, handsome, and interesting, and he makes me feel beautiful and special. Our sex is unbelievable, but he is also a romantic and my best friend and we tell each other everything. We both believe that we loved each other before we met each other and that we are “split-aparts”, star-crossed lovers found only in literature like the Great Gatsby. Yes, he has truly said all of these things to me and more.
    The time we spend together is everything to me and I live for the moments that I can see him. Although we still make love all the time when we are together, we also communicate constantly and spend time together that is not just having sex. We have traveled together (not much as it just isn’t practical and requires a lot of lying and planning). We meet up and talk and just hold one another, and we take walks together. We buy each other little ‘just because’ gifts. He is very thoughtful and considerate of me and does try to give me as much time as he can. When we are together, I feel happy and at peace and the time we spend together is everything to me. However, it’s all the time we are not together which is the problem. The instant he leaves, I start to miss him and the crushing loneliness and depression sets in…. I spend most of my time alone sitting in my room staring at my phone wondering when I will hear from him. I eat by myself and go to parties and events by myself. I have even taken a trip to the beach by myself for the weekend, just me and ‘him’ on my phone. Holidays and weekends are the worst, knowing that he is sharing those days with his family and I’m alone waiting to hear from him. We are in constant communication but it isn’t enough to make up for the pain of not having those special days together and being forever alone. I long for more time with him and to be able to take him to events, for us to travel together, sleep in the same bed at night (something we have only done 3 times in 7 years together). I long to post a photo of us together, to share with people in my real world my relationship that is such a part of my internal world and my life. I different from spending excessive amounts of time alone. I feel misunderstood by everyone because no one knows me and I have to lie to everyone about who I am. Although I am very independent with a great career that can be quite intense and that thankfully keeps me very busy, and I do have friends, I don’t talk to most of my friends about him for fear of being criticized or judged.

    He has never once told me that he will leave his wife. He has told me that he knows we belong together, but he just can’t bring himself to leave her and hurt her that way. He has told me that he believes in his heart that we will end up together – he does not know how or when but we will. He says that he is in love with me, but he still loves his wife too, although he loves us in different ways. He has also said that he “takes care” of his wife (she is not physically or mentally doing well) and codependency seems to keep them together as much as “love” as well as the guilt involved with hurting their kids, the extended family, the friends, etc. (They have been married 23 years).
    I go back and forth between loving him intensely and getting depressed and angry that he can’t hurt her, yet somehow in all of this, it is okay with him for to hurt me. It is okay for him to take care of her and not me (although I believe he likes my independence and that is part of what attracts him to me, I am likely as emotionally dependent on his as his wife is at this point). We have argued and cried about this numerous times; we have had one ‘big’ breakup where we went no contact for a significant period of time, but then got back together and now both seem resigned that we need each other no matter how impossible this seems. We always come back to the same thing. It’s a pattern we’re in now and we have the same discussions about every month.

    I love him and he is a wonderful man, but sometimes, when I get real low, I feel like he has some narcissistic traits, that he lacks empathy for my pain as well as his wife’s true situation as the entire thing is a house of cards built on lies, and everyone is being hurt and/or lied to in some way and realize how dysfunctional and toxic this entire thing is. I don’t know what kind of person would choose to live a double life but he does. I feel foolish and angry with myself and with him that I keep their codependent relationship going by loving him so well and fulfilling his needs to the point where he can avoid making changes in his life – changes that might bring us together. I want him to be authentic and live his life truthfully, but he just can’t do it. And I wonder how much I really mean to him. If you are in love with someone, you don’t want that person to hurt. And you rearrange things to be with that person, even if it’s difficult or complicated. And those are the darkest thoughts I have in all of this….

    I have read about trauma bonding, and I know that this has a lot to do with why I stay in this relationship. I just wish that it was easy for me to realize that there could be something better out there for me and someone who could give me everything. Instead, all I think about is how much I love him and that he gives me everything in those little moments of time. And I tell myself I would rather have a little bit of something with the right person than everything with the wrong person. I just can’t be with someone I don’t love. I can’t even talk to another man. I don’t know how he can be with two people at once. I can’t do it. I’ve also been faithful to him for almost two years now.
    He recently told me that he still has sex with his wife – ‘not that often’ as he says – but they still do. It was like a knife hitting me right in my heart when he told me that. I guess I knew they did but asking him and hearing his reply was like bringing the genie out of the bottle and it hurt so bad to think about that.

    Sometimes I feel like there is no hope… no way out of this for me. I truly love him and just want our chance, but I know what I am doing is wrong on so many levels.

    • Hayley

      Oh daisy!! How I just want to reach into my computer and hug you. From reading your story, I feel angry and I don’t mean to sound harsh but I’m going to be honest for your own mental / physical well-being.
      This man is a master manipulator. The ‘we will be together one day’ is future faking, a form of manipulation. Like ‘we will be one of those couples who hold hands and eat fish and chips on a pier when we are 80’ haha when your wife is dead you mean.. err no thanks! Oh and ‘I do love my wife and we do have sex’ was a test and he won. Why didn’t you run ? He is telling you exactly who he is! Is this what you want for yourself? You will be in the exact same position in another 7 years then another 7 years. He’s not going to change his circumstances, why would he? If a man wants you/loves you as much as he’s telling you he does he WOULD move mountains to be with you! Men do!!
      I don’t care how hard it is for him, he doesn’t want to hurt anyone etc.. he’s just a coward with no back bone who’s feeding you lines to keep you hooked.. I was you not so long ago!!
      I don’t care if they are our soul mates, the sex is amazing (it always is in these situations), I don’t care if the timing isn’t right blar blar blar the truth is if you were to be found out it would be you who is thrown straight under a bus only for the storm to calm and him to reach out to try and continue his cosy little arrangement.
      Knock him off that pedestal, he’s just another smelly man who goes the toilet like every other human being, you wouldn’t even let brad Pitt do this to you so why him! Start to love yourself again.. concentrate on you only. Block, change house, change job, change cities do whatever it takes to get off this drug and cold turkey it out. Tell that one friend who will go ballistic, I told my sister (she slaughtered me) and now she asks me daily if I’ve heard from Mr Douchebag (his new nickname) and it helps cause shes right and I don’t want to disappoint her.
      Trust me it’s sooooo hard I have bad days but that calm peace of mind is slowly returning and it’s a nice relief.
      To be honest daisy you don’t sound ready to leave this situation yet (and it’s you who will need to end it, he never will) but when you do please read these 2 books, do the activities and homework they massively help. ‘No contact rule by Natalie Lue and it’s called a break up because it’s broken by Greg behrendt’ or read them once then start the slow fade then once you’ve cut the cord read them again.
      But please.. don’t continue down this lonely road any longer. Collect his crumbs and throw them straight back in his face and wake up. In a nice way cause I do feel your pain. Be strong x

    • Hayley

      Oh daisy!! How I just want to reach into my computer and hug you. From reading your story, I feel angry and I don’t mean to sound harsh but I’m going to be honest for your own mental / physical well-being.
      This man is a master manipulator. The ‘we will be together one day’ is future faking, a form of manipulation. Like ‘we will be one of those couples who hold hands and eat fish and chips on a pier when we are 80’ haha when your wife is dead you mean.. err no thanks! Oh and ‘I do love my wife and we do have sex’ was a test and he won. Why didn’t you run ? He is telling you exactly who he is! Is this what you want for yourself? You will be in the exact same position in another 7 years then another 7 years. He’s not going to change his circumstances, why would he? If a man wants you/loves you as much as he’s telling you he does he WOULD move mountains to be with you! Men do!!
      I don’t care how hard it is for him, he doesn’t want to hurt anyone etc.. he’s just a coward with no back bone who’s feeding you lines to keep you hooked.. I was you not so long ago!!
      I don’t care if they are our soul mates, the sex is amazing (it always is in these situations), I don’t care if the timing isn’t right blar blar blar the truth is if you were to be found out it would be you who is thrown straight under a bus only for the storm to calm and him to reach out to try and continue his cosy little arrangement.
      Knock him off that pedestal, he’s just another smelly man who goes the toilet like every other human being, you wouldn’t even let brad Pitt do this to you so why him! Start to love yourself again.. concentrate on you only. Block, change house, change job, change cities do whatever it takes to get off this drug and cold turkey it out. Tell that one friend who will go ballistic, I told my sister (she slaughtered me) and now she asks me daily if I’ve heard from Mr Douchebag (his new nickname) and it helps cause shes right and I don’t want to disappoint her.
      Trust me it’s sooooo hard I have bad days but that calm peace of mind is slowly returning and it’s a nice relief.
      To be honest daisy you don’t sound ready to leave this situation yet (and it’s you who will need to end it, he never will) but when you do please read these 2 books, do the activities and homework they massively help. ‘No contact rule by Natalie Lue and it’s called a break up because it’s broken by Greg behrendt’ or read them once then start the slow fade then once you’ve cut the cord read them again.
      But please.. don’t continue down this lonely road any longer. Collect his crumbs and throw them straight back in his face and wake up. I mean this in a nice way cause I do feel your pain. Sorry if I sound harsh I’m still in the anger stage slightly and your stories made me so angry at your MM!!! Please Be strong x

      • Daisy

        Hi Hayley. I don’t think you are being harsh at all. Everything I wrote above about our relationship is the truth, and I know that I wrote a whole lot of details… but I was trying to give some context and background about our relationship over the last 7 years. I wouldn’t be here if I weren’t crushed and sick about the whole thing at this point. Me coming here is a big step in the process to get to a better place I hope. I have been absolutely sick and have fallen into one of the worst depressions since he told me how he loves his wife and that they still have sex. I’m not stupid and I really did know in my heart that he loves her and that they still had sex but HEARING it somehow made it all so real to me. I just recently asked him to be faithful to me the way I am to him, and he literally couldn’t even answer me. He went dead silent and I had to ask him to respond to me and he said he didn’t know what to say. I made him answer me and his response was simply that she is his wife. What the absolute hell kind of answer is that? He has already broken his marriage vows about being faithful to her. Then he said that ‘it didn’t happen that often’ as if that was supposed to make me feel better. And that ‘it wasn’t anything like us’ because she has gained so much weight, over 100 lbs since her breakdown 5 years ago when she first found out about us…. And yes, he always says ‘we will be together one day’ as if when his wife dies because that’s the only way it would happen without him leaving her. We had a huge, long discussion about all of this and since then he has been acting a little distant from me as if he is doing a slow fade. I should be the one doing the slow fade if not running away but yet he is now acting weird towards me whereas he has always been a love bomber. He still says that he loves me and is trying to maintain normalcy but I know him really well and can sense when there is something off. I know that he won’t just leave me, probably for a few different reasons, but he doesn’t check in with me as often as he did and his messages are really short. I just feel like something’s different now. That’s another reason I came here. I’m reaching out for support because I need it right now. Thanks for listening.

        • Hayley

          Yep they come on sooo strong.. eventually you start calling them out, questioning them, they feel pressure and start to pull away. This is what they do!!
          I sat in a car (on a supermarket car park, how romantic) only 29 days ago to hear the words ‘we had sex 4 weeks ago and I do love her and I won’t leave her’ I remember thinking .. how much more do I actually need to hear for it to wake me up, do I need to see them doing it in the flesh for me to wake the hell up. She’s 5 stone heavier than me yet I’m still second choice, I will never be quite good enough.. The only chance I will ever have with this man is if I disappear completely so he lives without me so i blocked him everywhere (he’s not having his fix of me anymore) and I haven’t spoken to him since, I don’t intend too. We didn’t ‘end’ things but I guess we both knew or maybe he’s waiting for me to contact him. Stupid Games!!! Who knows, who cares, I’ve had 29 days of tears, smashing things, skiving work one day to go sit up the hills and think but I’m slowly starting to feel better. I think about him everyday I won’t lie but I’m actually getting sick of thinking about it. I can’t wait to get to the place where I was before he reappeared but i know this will take time and I refuse to cave in!! If he replaces me then she won’t be as good as me so this helps, if he doesn’t replace me then he stays in his miserable marriage wondering about me. I’ll be that girl who got away.
          You need to start doing the same. The thing with us females is we only get to a certain point then that’s it. I’ve got there… now you need too. I just need to be super strong for when he returns later down the line and the cycle repeats cause history tells me he will but not till his marriage goes soar again !! Makes me so angry !!
          If I can do this.. believe me, anyone can!

          • PeggySue

            Hayley,

            Right on. I “woke up” too. That is the perfect way to describe it, but I couldn’t find the words. What has helped me most is to (finally) think like a ‘man’. Women dissect and analyze every little thing and honestly, men just don’t think the way we do (not all but *most*). We aren’t the ones that ‘got away’, we are ” it was fun while it lasted”. They really don’t wonder about us much (even Don Draper on Mad Man drove that point home for me). They keep it separate in their heads; I have heard and read that numerous times, and my MM admitted that is what he did as well. It’s easier to think they wonder and pine for us because that’s what *we* do, but I’m being realistic, and that’s what helps me (and maybe others). We are good enough to be on the side and that’s it. Otherwise, they would leave. It’s as simple as that.
            P.S. I still have the letter in my glove box all typed out and ready to give to his wife (when I have the nerve)

          • Daisy

            Well, he asked if we could meet today and we met 1/2 way in between each others offices. Normally, we would meet to be intimate, and that’s what he was expecting today, but I wasn’t having any of it. I told him that I couldn’t get his words out of my mind, and how depressed I’ve been. I told him that the way I see it, that he doesn’t care enough to change his life for me – or even make the slightest adjustment. When we got back together a year and a half ago after being almost no contact for 3 years, I took it as proof of true love – I don’t know what I thought exactly, but he always used to tell me that he would find me – and I thought it was the first step in our time finally being right – I’m stupid. He was just resuming our little arrangement. He would have me go on like this for 6-7 years. I said all this to him today. He has always been sooooo good with words on a page or a screen (he is a writer) but today – nothing came out of his mouth. He just sat there and hung his head like a bassett hound. I had to make him answer me. He just told me that he was sorry and that he didn’t want to hurt me and felt like he hurt someone no matter which way he turned. I reminded him that this had been going on a long time and it was bad. He has two women emotionally dependent on him at this point and he’s lying all over the place. It’s bad and he needs to be honest. He then broke down crying and said he can’t hurt THEM that way. Seeing him like that – crying over hurting THEM – floored me. I really don’t know what to feel right now. I went numb and felt like I was watching someone else’s life….how did I get myself into this?
            I drove back to work, I am dealing with a ton of stuff at work right now and feel like I am losing my grip over this relationship. I have to get my life together. I can not let this take me down.

        • PeggySue

          Hi Daisy,
          Reading your posts makes me remember how I felt. I was so caught up in it, I couldn’t imagine not speaking to him every day let alone no contact for months. I had a similar thought about being happy with the “right” person part time as opposed to the wrong person full time. I was willing to take whatever I could get, and it wasn’t much. Back then (for example) I would never drive by his house because it was almost like I believed his real world didn’t exist. Now I feel like my head is “up” and clear, and I now see everything from *his* point of view. How he was just having the best of both worlds. He “kept it separate” in his head (his words). Back then, I foolishly thought his nights and weekends were miserable like mine; I assumed he was missing me and wishing he could be with me since that was how *I* felt. No dear. He was living his life – his real life, the life he wanted. They don’t want *us*. Yes, they may have some feelings for us, but if they truly thought they’d be happier with us, then they would make a move. Period and end of story. We women make things much more complicated than they need be. I was the same. I just could NOT understand how he stayed if he was unhappy. Now I understand.

          There is another “related page” to this that is filled with women who write *daily* analyzing and agonizing as I used to, and now it’s painful to read. At least this page is completely filled with women who have had the courage and strengh (for whatever their personal reason) to end things. Notice the posts here are usually pretty infrequent. These women have moved on or in the process of moving on, and I’m still trying to do the same.

          We allow them to have their real lives and have us on the side. People get divorced every single day; it’s hard but it’s done *all* the time. Ironically it’s also almost always done by the *wives*. Men rarely initiate divorce, and (I believe) they do for few reasons, but a major one is if the wife is caught cheating. Otherwise men will go on day to day because they really don’t want to be alone, and it’s just easier to stay married, and even *better* to have us on the side. If we aren’t there, what happens? They just go about their day to day – right? Just about all of us have gone No Contact, and how many have had herr MM appear at her front door with suitcase in hand proclaiming his undying love and saying they are leaving to be with us?

          I feel like there is nothing I can really say to you because you aren’t ready. Only you can be ready to end it. My affair was nearly 2 years, but after 1 year something changed for me and I really got tired of being used, not a priority, etc. (but you can read my posts below).

          All I can do is wish you the best because no one can tell you anything; you have to get to the point where you’ve had enough, and I hope that’s soon for your sake.

          Good luck
          PeggySue

          • Hayley

            Peggy Sue. Please think twice about sending her that letter, both you and me know he will put up a fight to keep her, he will hate you forever and she will hate you. You will be the evil one, she will forgive him and you will be the enemy plus he gets his wife’s attention again. It’s just not worth it no matter how tempting it is.
            I’ve kept his selfies (lol) and a few texts in my archives should ‘she’ ever find out and come looking cause I want proof that it was him not the other way round.. but I will never send them unless she approaches me.
            As far as she’s concerned I worked with him 14 years ago she doesn’t know me yet she seems to know who I am and what car I drive (I’ve had 5 cars since) the only explanation is he must be mentioning me in their household maybe paints me out to be some stalker in love with him or something. I would love her to know that actually it’s him always seeking me out but I won’t.
            I believe he will mess his own life up maybe with another woman but I’ll just be glad it won’t be me in the firing line. I’d rather it be some other woman.
            Write that letter, then set fire to it and watch it burn instead. He will get his own karma one day I promise.

        • Tammy

          Daisy….I feel for you and all of the women here that got sucked into a MM relationship and is trying to move on and get out. They tend to give us just enough hope to keep us where they want us! Yours has told you from what I’ve read he can’t hurt his family but he is already and he’s hurting you deeply and will only continue to do so….his feel sorry for me ploys will only continue!! He will say he needs you but what does he truly give you in a return? An hour of his time here and there doesn’t quite work for me!!
          We all deserve more and better!! My MM of 2yrs had actually moved out from his wife when I broke things off completely last yr. He made promise after promise and I cut all contact off, it was hard and my heart broke. He came to me asking for forgiveness, stating I am the only woman he’s ever loved and had moved out… stupid me took him back. It’s a yr lateral now, 3 yrs lost and he’s not divorced, his wife n her kids control him and the rest of his family of course doesn’t know of me. It’s the same as before basically, can’t really go out in public, no holidays together, he’s still lying, can’t introduce him to my family or around my children, maybe spend an evening together …..he’s still a married man!! He still pays All her bills, house mortgage, cars for her and cars for her teenagers (yes, they are not his) married for 6yrs, she can work but feels a regular job is not good enough but she has no degree and isn’t trying to change that either. All the while he’s rented a tiny room from a friend and drives a crappy car, works a full time job and a weekend job at times too. He can’t stand up to her and let’s her run the show cause he hates confrontation!!
          I have now pulled myself back from him once again but this time I am ok, he may text me a lil but I am short and called me briefly on lunch break yesterday but I am short again n I keep the details of my life to myself. I just say I have to go and I hope he has a great day! I do NOT contact him!! The way I see it is I have my life and he has his, I am done being hidden and I am certainly nothing to be ashamed of…. my friends that know of him and met him say I am out if his league and says it as well. I am stunning in looks, I catch men looking daily in fact and yes, some are married. I would never dare even to look twice at another MM, to do that to myself twice would say I am an idiot and have little self worth!! I have a career that entitles me to make good money, take care of my children and work 4 days a week but yet wt all of this my MM made feel inadequate and depressed but I realize it was me who was letting this happen to me!!! I know we all wish we could control our hearts but we cannot and we cannot control the actions of our MM but what we can control is how their actions affect us!! I wrote all his negatives/faults down, how he’s hurt me time and again and all the broken promises, how hard life would be dealing wt his wife n her kids and how they would continue to control him emotionally and financially. I read this daily several times and I realize I don’t want that!!! I am slowly changing my heart, he’s slowly changing it too by his no actions and letting me spend most of my time alone!! So ladies……get out and stop wasting precious time and effort on nothing!!! We deserve men that are real men….someone else wrote…a man that would move mountains for us cause there are men that do!! We do not need men that constantly lie for thrills or don’t have back bones and do NOT make us a priority!!

          • Hayley

            Spot on Tammy and well done. When we look in the mirror and like what we see you do have to ask yourself who’s loss actually is it?!?! It’s still early days for me and I miss him alot but mostly I miss the conversation but over my dead body will I ever go back. The relief I feel from no more stress is amazing and no amount of missing him will let me change that now.
            Lesson learnt the hard way! I set goals for myself.. no contact to Halloween, then no contact till Christmas etc etc.. it helps and hopefully by Christmas I’ll be fully recovered.

    • Hayley

      Daisy, you met up with him today and how do you feel now ? Not great I’m guessing. You will just go around in circles hoping that he will end your suffering and tell you what you want to hear. It won’t happen beautiful lady.
      You will not begin to heal until you cut all contact.

    • Daisy

      I’m going no the no-contact route. I’m tired of his words not mirroring his actions. Feel like we are both playing a game. He says whatever words he thinks will keep me without doing a thing and I just fall right into it. Sometimes I feel like he wants an out, he just doesn’t want to be the bad guy. The whole thing makes me incredibly angry.

  • Shirley

    Thanks again, Hayley! You are RIGHT ON POINT! I have been over & done with the MM piece of crap for 2 years. SUCH A GOOD & EMPOWERING FEELING! Yes, it is NOT EASY, BUT TIME DEFINITELY HEALS! You are right, we need to make ourselves #1! In my case, I have seen the old wife, when out & about—she does Not know me! She is overweight, rather FRUMPY LOOKING! No fashion “plate!” Yep—NOT AS FAB AS WE ARE! HANG IN THERE LADIES! We are BETTER & DESERVE BETTER!

    • Hayley

      2 years! Wow well done you.
      Yep that feeling of ‘not being quite good enough’ screw that. He would tell me he was insecure yet when I saw him he never appeared to be yet he had this way of making me feel insecure. The 5th and last time he reappeared I went ballistic at him.. but of course he worked his magic and I fell for it all.
      ‘14 years must mean something’ ‘we will still be doing this when we are 80’ (errr I don’t think so)! ‘Let’s get matching tattoos’ ‘let have a secret baby’ lol. And yes I’ve seen his wife out shopping recently and she’s about 5 stone heavier than me. She might be a lovely person but I know I deserve to be number 1 in someone’s life.
      The only time he admitted his true feelings was when he was drunk via text then he conveniently couldn’t remember . He thinks about me everyday and then only twice a month.. so he gave it with one hand but took it away with the other. My breaking point came a few weeks back when I was on holiday with my kids and he text every single day probably trying to ruin my holiday or make sure I wasn’t enjoying myself.. I got that angry I threw a glass at the wall in temper and cut my arm.
      I have a great life, I do charity events, Im very active so whilst I’m climbing mountains at weekends he’s out buying socks with the wife and to think he’s made me feel like I’m the one not good enough!! I don’t think so!
      The endless question marks that hang over every message he sends.. who needs that in their life!! Not me!
      And if he tries to come back a 6th time whether it be in weeks, months for years (cause I think he will) god help him. He needs me more than I ever needed him and him keeping seeking me out all this time proves it.
      I just wish I could turn back the clock so I don’t feel like a fool again but it only makes us stronger. I can’t wait to hit the 2 year mark again and I plan to be 80 and single than deal with this crap! xx

  • Hayley

    It’s not been easy I’ve had to do the slow fade but now I’m done. Instead of thinking/fearing ‘you will never see or hear from them again’ think ‘I can contact them at anytime I just chose not to today or tomw etc’ this helps hugely. If you quit smoking by saying you’ll never be able to have another one ever again it doesnt work.. tell yourself you can smoke if you want too but I decide not too today’ this works in both respects.
    I’ve been leaving my phone in my car during work hours to stop any temptation, this also helps. I’ve realised that if he’s making me 2nd 3rd prioity then it’s up to myself to make myself 1st.
    Taking care of myself. Taking a deep breath and being kind to myself. I’ve treated myself to a new car after being accused of stalking his wife! Yeah right I already know she’s not as fab as me! Lol.. but I decided I deserved something for me anyway. I pick it up this weekend, can’t wait.
    At 38 I’ve started studying again this is a good distraction. I’ve had a dog and walking her everyday.
    Those butterflies you feel cause you think you love them.. that is anxiety not love!
    Yes I miss him I won’t lie but whilst I haven’t heard from him he hasn’t heard from me either. Ha!! It works both ways! I know he’s waiting for a text.. silly little man.
    It is hard I won’t lie but in a way it’s easier for me to have complete no contact.
    I’ve also tried mediatating something that just was never for me but i listen to Michael Sealy u tube video ‘letting go of past relationships’ I play it before falling asleep at night if I’m struggling. It’s sooo good.
    Also download the no contact app for 99p it just gives you positive quotes to remind you why you need to move on.
    And remember, there’s going to be times where he will wonder about you and be miserable with his nagging wife.. so I say this again.. who is the loser ???
    Stay strong ladies.. in a few months time we will be laughing about this I promise. I’ve been here so many times but now this door stays bolted forever.
    We deserve so much more.. let’s start believing it.

    • Daisy

      I actually know what you mean by this because one day I left my phone at home one morning and I didn’t go home to get it until lunch (I live a few minutes from home) and it was so refreshing not checking it every minute! I know he was probably thinking what the hell was going on that I wasn’t texting him incessantly… maybe I need to try this. I also don’t think no contact will work for me because we went virtually no contact a few years back and it was horrible so I think the mode you mentioned of knowing I can contact him but just choose not to will work much better for me so I may try that and take it day by day. I am a day by day person in all other aspects of my life which is how I got into this, so it has to be day by day for me with this as well.

  • Shirley

    Hayley,
    I totally agree with you! Yes! If their life @ home is so GREAT ,why are they out messing around on wife! Aww! KARMA! It is a GREAT THING! This all takes time, BUT to be rid of the losers, is EMPOWERING! Yep~~poor wife! Most of the wives hang on & look the other way, as they need the income! We are special women & deserve MUCH BETTER! Moving on is GOOD! KARMA!!

  • Hayley

    Ladies have you ever stopped to think that this is their loss not ours.
    Mines recently ended after 14 years on and off.. yes 14 years I’m really that stupid. Constantly ghosting me then reappearing and I always knew he would. This time I couldn’t care less if he does or not I’m so sick and tired of it all that I actually starting to dislike the guy and feel sorry that his wife has to live with him.
    Remember as well they very well may replace us but that next woman will eventually cause trouble/want more. They had it good with us but they don’t get to have us full time.. ha! Who’s the actual loser here?? After all they are miserable and unhappy at home remember that’s unlikely to suddenly change and we will be moved on when they still feel crap!! This ladies is your karma.
    We will be the ones who got away. The ones who they could have been happier with but were too cowardice to make that happen.
    They are the losers here not us beautiful ladies.. so pick yourself up.. sod him off.. things may be Rosey at home but he’s pretending, we know the truth.
    And I sure as hell will never ever ever let him open my door again and that is not my loss !!!
    Yes it maybe arrogant of me to think this way but it’s empowering and it’s working for me.
    I’m now the one in control… go live your miserable little life and pretend you’re happy when you haven’t been for 14 years!! Deluding themselves so let them be miserable ladies.. that’s your karma.
    I’ve tried no contact in the last 6 months and kept caving in but a switch has clicked in my head… it’s likw I’ve woken up and really don’t give too hoots anymore.
    Onwards and upwards come on ladies run.. run.. you can do this xx much love xx

  • Jennifer

    Hello ladies.
    I’m in the same dilemma I don’t know where to start. But I really want to end this. But I’m hurting so bad like I feel it physically. Please. Please tell me what to do.

    • PeggySue

      Hi Jennifer,

      I can only speak from experience, but for me, although I knew I *should* end things, I couldn’t successfuly do it until I really had enough. I came to a point where I was just tired of being second choice, not being a priority, and just plain being used. I feel like a switch just flipped for me, and after a year that’s when it happened for me.
      I have read that in the rare cases where a man actually leaves his marriage, it happens usually within the first 3 months of an affair and (more importantly) because he was already ready to leave. For some reason, in my own head, I really thought that my MM was unhappy enough to leave. I slowly realized that wasn’t the case AND worse, that I was only making it easy for him to have happiness with me, and then he’d return to his *REAL* life – the life that he didn’t want me to be part of. Men stay because it’s just plain easier. That’s the bottom line. Women like us make it possible.
      I tried many times to end it, but now that I realize all of the above, I mean truly realize it, I almost hate him. I know I’m not without fault, but he made it happen – while I allowed it to happen. Basically, I just feel like a fool now. It was a hard lesson to learn. If you read below, you’ll see that I’m at the point of wanting to tell his wife. I actually have a letter all typed out and ready to print so I can hand it to her when I see her in town next time. Well, when I have the nerve….

      I truly wish you the best of luck.

      • Susan

        The really interesting thing about my situation is his wife turned against me too. She threatened to sue me for “Alienation of Affection”. It is a law in North Carolina where they live. I live in Georgia and it is not a law here. So she could have done it. I never received any emails from her but he would email me and tell me that she was going to sue me. I threatened to send her nude photos of him that he sent to me and he said she would get a case against me. Stuff like that. I never heard directly from her though. It was all through him. I actually had surgery on my arm in May and he sent me 2 emails asking how I was doing. I responded and then suddenly around Mother’s Day he stopped responding to me and said he hated me now. I am guessing that she must have done something on Mother’s Day that upset him – like take the kids somewhere without him. I will never know because he won’t respond to anything I send him now. I sent him a text last week asking if he had blocked my email and he said “Please stop, I’m begging you”. I don’t understand but it has been a rough time for me. I thought he would atleast be my friend after the affair since we basically grew up together. Nope. He is very cold hearted.

      • JEnnifer

        Thank you for your response.
        I want to get to the point where I hate him and angry enough to want to leave him. I really want to.
        Like right now, I blocked all the numbers and emails but I’m still hoping he’ll use other number just to keep in touch with me. He’s currently “back home” with his wife. We are both working abroad. 🙁 and we’re living here together that’s why it’s so hard for me to keep away from him. I know I’m just feeling braver now coz I don’t see him but it’ll break loose when I see him again 🙁 I hate this. I go over this yearly and I still go back after 🙁 I hate that I’m so weak.

      • Shirley

        Jennifer,
        Well stated! So MUCH TRUTH! I have done SO MUCH RESEARCH on this subject & all information points to the fact, the MM NEVER leaves the wife—easier to Not leave & use women like us for sex & emotional gratification. It has been proven, that if they do leave & divorce, your life with him would NOT BE GOOD & eventually end up in a break up! Ladies, you can do this! Give your self CREDIT! You are EMPOWERED & DO NOT DESERVE TO BE USED BY THESE SORRY PIECES OF HUMANITY. They are COWARDS & ABOUT AS LOW AS ONE CAN GO! Be STRONG! I HAVE BEEN DONE with my affair for 2 years. Was it easy? HELL NO! But finally after one year, I realized how MUCH BETTER PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, & EMOTIONALLY I was and have become! The CREEPS will drag you down! The wives deserve them! Doubt there is MUCH TRUST in those marriages, especially when wifey finds out!

  • Deb

    Hi Ladies…. it’s been a while since I’ve been on this site and here’s why….I took my MM back! I ended it in Jan after 7 yrs and he came crawling back on Valentine’s Day. Like a fool I took him back. He once again told his lies leaving wife but needed to end of year to back money for the attorney fees. Once again I fell for his lies. Things going well until 2 weeks ago. He left for his family vacation & didn’t even tell me about it. The fri night before he left, I noticed he was nervous uneasy not himself. I even asked him what’s wrong here says nothing. Of course we had sex that night and when he was ready to leave, he kissed & hugged me like never before. Didn’t hear see him on Mon same on Tues then I knew he went on vacation and didn’t even have the balls to tell me. Didn’t hear from him till Sat night, he sent several texts with explanation why he did what he did. Telling me he tried to tell me but couldn’t cause he didn’t want to break my heart again took the cowardly way out and listen to this ladies…. “he’s has never loved a woman like he loves me.” Then asking for forgiveness and he feels dead inside and ashamed. I said to self no more can’t do this to myself. Here I gave him another chance and this is how he pays me back. He hurt me once again. I never replied. I immediately blocked him on my cell and when he came to my door several times I didn’t open it. He even called my office and I refused his calls. Bottom line Ladies please don’t be a fool like I and take your MM back even though you love and miss him so much, you will regret it, like I. The pain & hurt is deeper but I only blame myself cause I allowed it thought this time was different. I was wrong. You know that saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

    • Shirley

      Oh Deb! Main thing! Have you learned from all of this?!
      So sorry to hear!! That SORRY PIECE OF HUMANITY! You are a MUCH BETTER PERSON! He is definitely a ROGUE & NARCISSIST! Hang in there girl! DO NOT FALL FOR HIS LIES AGAIN! His wife must be really stupid! Be glad, you NO LONGER HAVE HIM IN YOUR LIFE! THANKS for sharing, as this will help the rest of us to be more AWARE & ready, if the SORRY A#####, try playing the games with us!

      • Deb

        Hi Shirley…. Oh have I learned from this & then some. Ladies when you do decide to say goodbye to your MM and he comes crawling back to you telling you all you want to hear just close the door of your heart and tell him no more not welcome here any longer. He won’t change, he’s not leaving his wife and the lies will continue and he will use you up. I may sound bitter but this happen to me and I don’t want any of you to end up in my shoes. I’m an intelligent woman but when it came to my MM that intelligence I have went by the wayside. What a hard broken-hearted life lesson learned.

        • Joanne

          I made the mistake of contacting him yesterday for his bday. Opened all my wounds back up and he wants to meet up Sunday for lunch and sex of course. Wife is out of town. Ugh. Just messaged him and said no sex. He hasn’t answered. Why can’t I just forget this guy?!?!

          • Shirley

            Joanne,
            Forget meeting with him! He is using you! He is NOT WORTH IT! Yes, all is WELL, as long as the old wife is out of town,BUT AS SOON AS SHE IS BACK—SAME OLD SAME OLD!! Rise above ALL OF HIS DECEIT!! You deserve BETTER! Move on! NOT EASY, BUT for your own SELF RESPECT, you MUST DO IT. He is a SORRY HUMAN BEING!! Karma will get him!!

          • Joanne

            I caved. Went a couple days with no contact. Then met him yesterday for dinner and ‘other’ stuff. I admit. Physically it was incredible. Emotionally I’m a wreck and have blocked him yet again. I can’t atop thinking about him. I know I deserve better. A real relationship. With my own man. It has been all I can do to not message him. This is going to be rough. I

  • Shirley

    These married men are all alike! They tell us, how much they love us & lead one to believe, you are the ONE & willing to leave the wives! They are ROGUES & NARCISSISTS! Most of the wives are clueless, as to how bad they are! I was in a relationship for 6.5 years. Finally realized, with some friends help, that it was a DEAD END road! The old wife needed his income & his grown kids had their noses up his BUTT. The whole family are a bunch of HYPOCRITES, pull the I am a Christian card & put on a front out in public. If the wives, only knew half of what these sorry men are capable of doing! Good RIDDANCE for all of us! NO MORE BEING USED! NOT worth all the gifts & money!

    • Susan

      Shirley – You are spot on with my MM. He runs a Christian based baseball academy for teen boys. Him and his wife are big Christians. And he makes alot of money (so does she and she has family money = my guess as to why he married her). They also have older kids who are with them ALL the time. It is amazing how alike they all seem to be. And my MM was a total wild man in the bedroom – wanted to do everything and anything. Borderline I did not like it and looking back he was kind of a perv to me now. Ick. I am glad I am done with him. He said his wife and him would go a year without sex – said he would “never have the kind of sex he has with me with her”. ?? I guess she was better than me – too good of a Christian lady. The whole hypocrisy of it makes me sick.

      • Nancy

        If only we could blast them on the NET and let the world know who they really are, it might save someone from the shyt we went through or going through. I So want to tell his wife, even told him that I was gonna tell his wife he doesn’t care. I’ve thought about, but I realize I’ll be the only one looking like a damn fool. Am I to blame for falling in love? for not knowing before it was to late.

        • Susan

          Nancy-I threatened for months and finally sent her a message on Facebook. She immediately confronted him and he called me furious. That was just the beginning of me sending her more messages and then emails to her. It got to where I was obsessed with her. She never responded to me but he did. Furious with me. That ended it. Which was really what I wanted. I was sick of the lies and hating myself for doing it.

        • Shirley

          I AGREE Nancy! You are right—The fools ARE NOT Worth us looking like Damn fools! I have been done wth the MM for 2 years. It took 18 months & all the strength & courage, I had to Not Expose his SORRY BUTT! If the wives want them, they deserve them! Most of the wives know, anyway! Karma has a way of CATCHING UP! His day will come!!

  • PeggySue

    Shirley,

    I’m trying to think of your words to remind myself it isn’t worth it, but right now I”m struggling. I have no desire for contact – not even to hire him for work which again, is just added punishment for me. I recently had some pretty tough manual labor to do last month, and I chose to do it by myself rather than spend 4 hours with him OR give them any more of my hard earned money.

    I keep thinking that by exposing the affair to his wife, it will somehow bring me some type of relief; at least I’d know he finally had some punishment and consequences since I have both, and he has neither.

    I won’t keep on about this because I’d just be repeating myself, and I’d force you to do the same. Thank you so much for responding and trying to help me. I know deep down that I’m the only one that can help myself, but as I said, I’m not sure how.

    • Shirley

      Peggy Sue,
      I can relate to your struggling! Been there! It is Not FAIR, that these MM can waltz in & out of our lives & suffer NO CONSEQUENCES! I believe in Karma & God to take care of them in due time! I was used to EXTRA GIFTS & MONEY, which the MM gave me! It was tough for about 2 months! I got over it & realized, it was like Prostitution money! The old saying “Silence is GOLDEN!” I take comfort, in knowing, we have the Secret of the AFFAIR. The MM has to be a bit scared, as he never knows, when it may surface in some way shape or form. Think of the wife’s WRATH, at that point! She would have been a TOTAL FOOL! Punishment will happen, BUT NOT NECESSARILY ON OUR TIME! Hang in there!

      • PeggySue

        Hi ladies,

        He never did waltz in and out of my life. I have that small thing for which to be grateful. I always ended things and *I* would always cave in and call him, and we’d start right up again. He was willing to do whatever I wanted because I realize now, that I really didn’t matter to him in the long run. From day 1 ,he knew this was no more than affair. I thought that someone that unhappy would leave – especially if he had me to go to. Before the affair we were working in the yard one day, and he told me he had ‘really had it with his wife’. I was shocked because we weren’t friends like *that* and honestly, I didn’t really care about his personal life. I said to him – and I quote “don’t leave, men never leave because they don’t want to be alone, you’ll be remarried in 2 years’. That is what I truly believe, and yet I ended up in a mess like this! There was an incident where (obviously) my feelings changed, but at the time, I really didn’t care. I had zero interest in him. It’s funny how life takes ‘interesting’ turns.

        Anyway, I know now, I was just making his life bearable. That’s what I’ve come to realize. He was perfectly willing to stay married and have this affair for the rest of his life. He told me as much. That’s why I finally did have enough. I’m done with him. I almost hate him which bothers me. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. That’s what I want.

        The other thing I didn’t write, but you just mentioned – he has *NO* fear of me telling his wife at all. I told him that I saw his wife shopping in CVS one night, and I might as well have said it was raining outside. No reaction at all. I once thought he had blocked me on his phone (but his phone was just acting up) he said he never has blocked me because he trusts me to never do anything. There’s no way for it to surface really. He starting deleting all of our calls/texts/photos a long time ago. Zero consequences for him.
        I have no comfort in the secret at all. I see her every morning on her way to work as I come home from the gym, and I usually go by their house on my way home. It infuriates me every time. I know I’m torturing myself by doing this. I’m definitely no contact – I have been for months. It doesn’t help. In fact, now that I’ve really ended it, and would never want to be with him even if he called me today and said that he wanted to be with me – that’s when this retaliation obsession started. I do not want him ever – but I do want her to make his life miserable – well more miserable. She’s doing a good job of making him miserable now. That is my only small comfort really, but it’s not enough.

        • Notanga

          Wow your situation sounds just like my mm story. He has provided for me financially a lot and there is a major emotional connection. However, his wife found out about us and I thought she would leave him, nope she’s not she said she’s going to fight for their marriage. But, the reality is he’s not going to leave her for me, no matter how much he says he loves me she is is his first priority. If we are on the phone if she’s coming it’s a quick hangup. The whole thing really irritates me and I’m ready to end it, but I’ve grown accustomed to our conversations and his financial help but the biggest thing is that I love him. I’ve decided to get therapy for me yo break up with him and to try and understand why I dated him when I knew his situation

          • Susan

            Since I told my mm’s wife it has been over. It ended in a very ugly way that I didn’t expect. He took her side and turned on me. Rude awakening for me. He was just using me for sex!

    • Susan

      The only way to help yourself is no contact. I told my MM’s wife to get him out of my life. I wanted it to end because I was miserable. Living off crumbs of affection, being used for sex/affection while he had his perfect life at home with the family. It’s hard but you can move on. It’s taken me a year. I’m now realizing that I meant nothing to him.

  • Havetobeme

    I can relate to many of you! My 5.5 yr affair is slowly coming to an end. I can’t rip off the band aid, peeling it slowly. We have a very long history together. He is the only man I’ve loved unconditionally, have amazing sex, and until recently has treated me really really well. We are very very close, keep in contact every 2 hrs every day, talk or email. We know almost everything about each other and are very compatible. In most ways we feel married, just don’t live in the same house and have only had 5 whole nights throughout this time of even sleeping together overnight, due to circumstances. THe emotional and financial part is like a marriage though. We were intimate at one point 3-4days/wk, last summer I realized he wasn’t leaving any time soon and I wasn’t even sure what I wanted anymore and I cut it back to once/week and even then we see each other but intimacy has been much less 1 -2 times a month but we still loved seeing each other, holding each other (no where better than in his arms), kissing even. I know he’s been unhappy with this change but he chose to stay and even still I can see it in his eyes even when he comes to see me and knows there will be no intimacy I see the love in his eyes.
    BUT He’s recently told me a huge lie that he had to go on a trip for his daughter & her fiance but he really was in Vegas with them and his wife. His wife who he claims he doesn’t have sex with and barely talks to. He only told me because I broke up with him over it, he admitted to the whole thing then, said he was going to tell me in person, didn’t want to do it in email but i pushed him. He met me the next morning and explained it all. He admits he was a coward and should not have lied and was put in a tight spot. Blah blah blah. He knows he lied, knows he was a coward for lying, feels embarrassed about it and says he’ll never lie again and not to give up what we have built over the past 5.5 yrs and what we will have soon. Once he leaves his wife which he knows I no longer believe and I’m not even sure anymore it’s what I want. Knows he was wrong and will do whatever it takes as long as it takes to prove himself and earn my trust back.
    The same day I found this out I overheard their phone conversation (he didn’t hang up with me and it was on my voicemail). He really does ignore her and treats her differently than me but one thing she said that struck me most in between all her sarcasm and voice changes at one point her voice got low and she said “I hate when you’re not home, I like when you are with me.” I can not get this out of my head and the trip lie.
    More info: Over the past 5.5 yrs she’s found out in 1st yr made him stop calling/texting me – He got a phone just for us, 2 & 3rd yr she got emails, he changed email accounts. Saw her last yr in person briefly I had my son, she tried to confront me but my MM while sticking up for me , I left with my son for his sake. He never ignores me, gives me more attention actually but he still stays with her, part of it is financial – she has a steady job & income while I do not. His business is still growing and not secure, he’s close to that point but not there yet. As far as I can see she knows he’s cheated on her with me (two others previously which he told me about ) and she stays, basically lets him do what he wants. He married her when their daughter was 2 yrs old from family pressure. He’s planned on leaving her once their daughter moved out all along. It was only when we got back together 5.5 yrs ago that he told me he’d leave earlier to be with me and has strung me along for 3.5 yrs now. She is getting married Sept 1 this year. I don’t believe he will leave – still his business & a lot of money to lose/split.
    We still talk daily, casual work talk , email every two hours as usual and I’ve seen him twice since. I can barely kiss him anymore, the man whose smile and kisses completely melt me and always did. THe man whose given me ALOT of money to start a business, lets me work in his stores when I need money and makes sure I’m financially and emotionally cared for in every other way. I’m losing trust and faith in him. It’s a blessing in disguise as much as it hurts, it’s excrutiatingly painful as I told him he hurts me daily going home to her every night especially on days when we are intimate with me and I’ve had to deal with that but now this huge lie and his wife saying that to him is just too much for me.
    If you’ve made it this far, thank you for listening, you can probably relate to some or a lot of what I’m saying as I’ve related to a lot of you as well. I’m depressed, disheartened right now. I know someday when this is really all over I’ll be ok but getting to that point is a long road which I must travel and complete as it’s part of my healing process. I can’t just rip off this band aid after all I’ve been through with him and the love I do have for him doesn’t just disappear (alot more than I’ve gone into here – yeah I know this was long enough, lol),

    • Daisy

      I relate to your story so much. My MM is the closest person to me but I feel things are starting to devolve as I have begun to lose trust in him and ask for more than he can give. He has never told me he will leave, but continually said that we will be together one day – he just doesn’t know how or when and that his wife is someone he just takes care of. We have been together about 7 years – after the 1st year and 1/2 of our relationship, she found out and made him delete me from his social media and block me from their phones – we never fully went no contact but he tried working on the marriage and ended up coming back and we resumed stronger than ever. After all these years of loving him unconditionally, being faithful/loyal, and giving all I have to him, I am so hurt that he is fine with this situation going on forever. After realizing I was getting no where expecting him to make a choice, I asked him simply to be honest – meaning that he could continue to take care of her as long as he was being honest about me. I have to accept her so why shouldn’t she have to accept me? He can’t do it and adamantly says he can’t destroy her that way. Yet it is fine to hurt me. I love the times we are together and will always love him no matter what but the longer this goes on the more I see how hopeless it all is. I am at a loss for how to get out of this. I can’t go no contact. I feel a physical response in my body when I don’t talk to him or hear from him within a few hours. People have suggested that I start seeing other people – he has someone else so why shouldn’t I? I wish it was that easy for me. I’ve been faithful to him for years and as bizarre as it sounds I would feel like I’m cheating on him, and wouldn’t feel it was fair to the other person. I know there must be some way I can make myself stronger but right now I just don’t see a way out and the depression is real.

  • Shirley

    Ladies!
    You are the winners! You deserve better! You have taken the all important first step! It hurts like hell! You will get through this! The wives deserve the Narcissistic Cheaters! If the wives know & continue to put up with them, then they CAN HAVE THEM! There life & marriage will never be totally stable again. I was in an affair for 6.5 years—it has been over fo 2 years. The wife knew. She was VERY DEPENDENT upon his income! Between the family interference & her, I realized there would NEVER BE A FUTURE with the IDIOT, even if he left her! I am empowered & free! Rise up gals & move on with your life!

  • Pancake

    Trying to hold it together
    I met him on a dating site. He sent me a flirt. I was attracted to him I flirted back. We chatted back and forth for a week or more before he told me he was married. He told me he had an agreement with his wife where he could have affairs. I was not his first nor will I be his last. As long as he brought NO drama home to his family. I continued to chat with him. I thought I could handle it. After two and half months of texting we met. It was incredible. I only met him in person one other time. Our affair was texting, speaking on the phone three times and spending two wonderful evenings together. My affair with him lasted about 5 months. I ended it two weeks ago. I realize it wasn’t a lot of time, but I miss him terribly. I can’t help but think about him, sometimes I feel that I can’t breathe. I miss texting with him. I look at my phone longing to see a text from him knowing I will never see one again. He became part of my life in a short amount of time. I knew the score from the get go that he was not looking to end his marriage, but to have someone on the side. I tried to keep my heart out of the affair and failed.

    • Susan

      It has been 4 days of no contact for me. I told his wife last July. That’s when it ended. The affair went on for 16 months. I cant leave him alone. sad.

      • Joanne

        I’m a week no contact and am having such a hard time. I miss him so much. I keep reminding myself of all the unhealthy stuff but still. This stinks.

        • Pancake

          It stinks! It sucks! It is incredibly painful!
          You feel that you like you can’t make it another day! I know. I feel your pain.
          But you can do it! I believe in you even if you don’t believe! We can do this! Hang in there! Please, please hang in there!

          • Susan

            Pancake (and all other ladies) – I am having a really hard time with the no contact. We were like best friends, talked (emailed) every single day. Now he won’t talk to me. I sent his wife an email and told her we were still talking about a month ago and after that he won’t answer any of my emails. I sent him a text asking if he had blocked my email and he responded “Please stop, I’m begging you”. I sent more texts and he would say nothing more. This is killing me. I think about him every day and always check my email hoping he might send something. I live with my boyfriend who I got back together with after the affair ended last August. Why can’t I get over this???

          • Pancake

            Dear Susan,
            I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s as if you
            lost a part of you, and truly you have. Unfortunetly, the
            part you lost belongs to another. As hard as it is to hear the truth – it is what it is. Please stop trying to get in touch with his wife. You will find no relief in this. If you do it will only be temporary. This man you were with has made his choice – his wife and family (if he has one). I know how hard it is when you want to keep reaching out, because your pain is unbearable. I get it, but right now the man you want so much to ease your pain is making himself unavailable. Your best friend left you in a mess of pain. I wish from the bottom of my heart you stop trying to connect with him. He is no good to you. If you have a close friend who wil not judge (and this is key) you need to relieve your self of this painful burden. You can’t do it alone right now. It’s too much. God has been good to me and has blessed me with this site, a few close friends, and a therapist who have helped me along this painful journey. I know you think you will never smile, laugh, be light hearted again, but you can and will …Smile God Loves You ❤️
            PS keep in touch – I may not be able to email back right away, but I will

      • PeggySue

        Hi Susan,
        I had an affair for nearly 2 years (with the past year being mostly off). I ended things always, but I kept going back. His last call was in early April and I stopped taking his calls so his last text was saying he promised he wouldn’t bother me again (probably the only promise he’ll ever keep in his life). Although he never lied to me saying he would leave his wife etc., I now see things clearly and realize I was being used the entire time, and I can’t get past it. I want to tell his wife now; I’m consumed by it. They live within walking distance of my house so I do have that concern, but please tell me how you did it. Did it make you feel better? Did it give you some kind of closure? I will admit I really do want to punish him more than I want to tell her, but she does have a right to know. She’s been trying unsucessfully to catch him cheating for a long time. I have her proof.

        • Susan

          I sent her a message on Facebook then sent her emails. She never responded to me but he did. He told me she was going to sue me for Alienation of Affection (so far she has not). I’m glad I did it because he caused me so much pain. I did it to hurt him and according to him I ruined his life. He wont tell me if they are divorcing I doubt it. They make a lot of money, have 2 older kids and are big Christian’s (he doesn’t act like one). They are big into appearances and looking like the perfect family.

        • Susan

          Closure? No I have not had closure because I have no idea what is going on with them. I just hope shes making his life miserable because he made my life miserable. I have picture proof too I threatened to send her but never did.

          • PeggySue

            That is how I feel exactly. I want to make him miserable. I know she won’t leave him, but I know she will be on his case even more than she is now. She has never trusted him; I actually wonder why because he’s never been caught doing anything wrong. I have texts, pictures and voice mail messages of course. I had another chance to tell her this morning, and didn’t take it. She was pulling into the gas station and I decided to do the same, but then I didn’t say anything. I haven’t had the nerve tell her mostly because I think I’m afraid of her reaction. She has a temper and is spiteful; he never complained to me about her, but after 2 years of different stories and hearing something she said or did in reaction to him or others, I have a pretty good picture of how she is. As I mentioned, I live very close by, and I’m not sure what she might do (or him for that matter).

            What’s really funny is that she tried to catch him in the past by asking to see his cell phone (he deletes everything) and she wasn’t smart enough to just look at the phone billing statement online. She once used her daughter’s old phone to *video record* him on his day off to see what time he got up and later confronted him and asked him where he went. Of course he lied and said the garage. She also asked a *neighbor* to watch him asking if his truck was home etc. She isn’t very smart – all she’d have to do is turn on location sharing on his phone and she’d know where he is 24/7. I’d like to give her these tips as well 😉

            They too are big into material things in my opinon (he says no). He hates confrontation so he just does whatever she says to avoid any conflict. I believe she’ll never leave him because of that, and because he can fix or do just about anything around the house (free labor etc.).

            Once I asked him how long he’d continue the affair and he said until I had enough, or until he got caught. I asked what he’d do if he got caught and he said “I’d see what she wants to do”. He’s stay married if she wanted to/divorce if not! Imagine that? That’s how little he cares one way or the other, but at the end of the affair, he admitted he won’t leave because he doesn’t want to be alone. How pathetic is that? I’m so thankful now that I don’t want this man, *but* like I said, I really really want to make him miserable.

            If she were a different type of person, I’d say that I wanted to tell her because she deserves to be with someone that actually wants to be with her, but with the way she treats him and her children, I don’t feel that way.
            I was in therapy for this btw. I *still* don’t have compassion for this woman, and I feel guitly over not feeling guilty. Even though I see her nearly every morning and realize she is a person and no person deserves this, I can’t feel any compassion for her. This bothers me as well, but that’s another story.

            Thank you for responding to me Susan. I’m guessing you have no advice either way. I also know deep down the right thing is to just keep quiet and focus on my life. I intellectually know this, but I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to do this.

          • Joanne

            I get the lack of compassion thing. I sometimes think of Sh was a better wife, her husband wouldn’t have looked elsewhere. He rarely mentioned her and only one time alluded to her being a pain. I feel bad for not feeling bad. Almost two weeks no contact. I’m struggling. I remind myself I deserve a whole man who is honest. Not half a lying man.

          • Shirley

            Yes! You deserve a BETTER WHOLE MAN!! If he cheated on wife, he would NOT HESITATE to cheat on you!! Don’t fall for all his lying lines!

          • Susan

            You deserve someone who is not a liar and con artist. These guys are all bs artists. Mine is a salesman for God’s sake. He is a good one too. I tried to end it with him many times and he bs’ed his way back into my life.

          • Susan

            I went to high school with mine and we also had a strong friendship. It’s very hard losing your lover and best friend. Still struggling.

          • Susan

            If you told her he would probably hate you. That’s what happened to me. Now mine wont talk to me. But I’m glad. It needs to end for good. It sux they are such good liars.

          • Susan

            When I would ask my MM about a future he would always say “Let’s just see where it takes us”. He would never commit and would never say if he would divorce or not. Then towards the end when things were getting rocky (I was pressuring him more and more for answers) he said he would “never do anything to hurt his kids”. I knew that meant no divorce. They live the “perfect life” – give off that perfect family appearance. So I started realizing I was being used. The more I pushed the more he pulled away, saying he “needed some time”. I started threatening to tell her and that made things worse. So I finally just did it. And he never texted me again. He called a few times to argue with me over the phone because I was emailing her. That’s been it since last April when he took me to San Francisco. That was our last trip together. I am much better off and have realized I was just a sex toy for him. So, it is for the best. His wife has never acknowleged me, never responded to ANY of my messages. But he has emailed me and told me she was threatening to sue me, etc., etc. When I threatened to send pics of him that he had sent to me he threatened again. This has been my life for the past year. I have finally given up and stopped emailing him and I have not heard from him in 6 days. I don’t expect to hear from him again. I am sure he will cheat again.

          • Susan

            As far as being obsessed with his wife. I was the same way. I stalked her on Facebook and Twitter. I was obsessed with her and wanted to talk to her. I sent many emails and messages (until she blocked me on Facebook and Twitter). She never answered one message. But would speak through him. He would send me threatening emails that if I didn’t leave her alone they would sue me or whatever. So I left her alone. Then me and him started somewhat emailing again. Only I would email and he would go for days to answer me and it would be like one sentence. I was learning that he was just appeasing me and confronted him. Now he won’t respond to me. They ghost you and don’t give you any answers. They suck. I hope his life is miserable now because he ruined my life for the past year. I am just now getting over it and it is hard. He told me he loved me, we texted every day and he called me almost every day for 16 months. It wasn’t until I started pressuring him for more that he then pulled away and it ended. And it ended ugly because I told her.

          • Susan

            If you tell her just be ready for anything. My MM lives in another state so I was not worried about her coming knocking on my door. But, if what you say is true and she is spiteful, etc. — she might just do that. Or try to get a restraining order on you (claim you are harassing them). She could mess your world up for sure if she wanted to and make you very uncomfortable. Or maybe she would just make his life hell. But then he might turn on you (mine did – he turned on me and took her side). You never know with these men. They make us think they really love us but they are committed to their families and when the rubber hits the road most of the time they will choose their family and not us.

          • PeggySue

            Hi laides – thank you so much for your thoughts. I am so happy to have found this page where women have actually ended things and want to move on. Previous similar threads are filled with women still in it and want to continue, and it’s painful to read at this point.

            I’ve thoughtabout what you have written. First, this is over for me. I haven’t wanted to talk to him for many months. I got completely tired about hearing of his day to day life – the life he didn’t want me to be a part of. I ended it in July and we didn’t talk for 4 months (last July to November) and then I hired him to do work for me in November and we talked on and off for weeks only so I could get my real answers. One answer was the fact that he stays married because he doesn’t want to be alonen and he is “happy enough”. I asked him if he had ever considered leaving to be with me and he said no.

            After that, I started having sex with him again, but the reason I did it was to have more recent proof (which he didn’t know). I really didn’t have any feelings left for him and finally I am at the point where if he called today and said he wanted to leave his wife to be with me, I would say no.

            So, that covers “he will hate me and not talk to me”. I don’t care one bit if he hates me. I once said I would never tell his wife because I didn’t want his kids to find out, but now I don’t even care about that. We already aren’t speaking because I have no desire to speak to him whatsoever.

            The worst part for me is now I don’t want to hire him to do any work for me, and it’s *really* a problem. I either have to do it myself or find someone else which is not easy. This is why they say not to mix business with pleasure 🙁

            The bottom line is I really do want to make his life miserable. He made me miserable – I cried all the time during this affair especially the first year. I really believed (even though he never said it) that he was unhappy enough to leave. They are all cowards *and* I realize it’s women like me that make it possible for them to have it easy. They are ‘happy enough’ at home (his words) they have 2 incomes, they have someone to go to dinner/movies/vacation with etc. and then they come to us for the emotional connection/friendship. For us it was definitely that.

            I guess as I said, my big worry is what she or even he might do to me to retaliate. Still I wonder, is it possible for them to make me more miserable than she will make him?? I’m guessing no 🙂 Like you said, they can make me uncomfortable – that’s for sure.

          • Shirley

            Peggy Sue,
            Like you, I want the fool to be MISERABLE & I WANTED TO RETALIATE~~BUT, we would only hurt ourselves. The CHEATERS ARE NOT WORTH IT!! Mine begged me Not to tell the old wife~~she knew about the Affair, But thought he had ended it 6 years before! He knows, I could expose him at any time! It had been almost 2 years, since the breakup. I have No Desire to see the A** . He put me through some hell~~yes, we all get tired of hearing about their lives with the wife, only to come to us for the affection & SEX. Mine always commented, that he was never a priority in the wife’s life. Too Bad! So many lies! I am glad to have this blog to turn to~~it has helped! We are Not Alone! We will be Much better empowered women!

        • PeggySue

          Hi Shirley,
          How did you get over the feeling to want to tell the wife/make him miserable? I know rationally all the things you say are true. I tell myself all the time that I should be the bigger person and move on. That forgiveness is for me and not him. When I first ended it last July, I told him that the next time I saw them in town together, that I was going to say something to his wife *and* that I was going to ask the person that referred him to me for yard work for a new referral and if he asked why I needed a new referral I’d tell him because we had an affair. He looked scared and quietly said “wow, you never really know a person until it’s over”. I felt like garbage and later apologized and said I would not do that because I didn’t want his kids to find out.
          When we started talking again for a brief time this winter, I asked him if I were his wife or his ex-girlfriend prior to the wife (with whom he has a child so they have minor contact) if they would keep quiet if they were me, and he said no. I also asked him if he knew how lucky he was that I keep quiet, and he said that *he thinks about it every day.* That shows you how afraid this man is to be caught; although he always said he would stay in the affair until I had enough or until he got caught.

          I get so angry because it’s not fair that he got to have me who treated him like a king (his words) although I didn’t do anything special; he is just used to being treated like a child. She is 57 and he is 41 so that’s part of it – they got together when he was about 25 which is “interesting” at least to me. I get mad that now that I’ve had enough and ended it, he simply went back to his “good enough life” without any consequences. Then I tell myself that life is not fair. I also then tell myself this is my punishment for doing wrong, but then I ask where is his punishment? I try to tell myself his home life is punishment enough but then I say it’s not. You can clearly see the circles that my mind turns constantly and it’s exausting. Then I get angry that his mind is free and clear. Hence me wanting to punish him. I’m drained from this now. When the affair was going on, I didn’t give her or his home life much thought and I never went by his house etc. I thought he was unhappy there and wanted to actually be with me as I wanted to be with me. Now that I realize how wrong I was – he was just living his life and he told me once that he was able to do that “by keeping it separate in his mind’, and that is something I’ve read often – that men can do that. I’m angry and obsessed with retaliation and I know it’s only hurting me.

          I just don’t know what to do. I do all the things ‘they’ say I should do, and it’s not helping. I went to therapy last year, I go to CrossFit 6 days a week (although I’ve been depressed and have gained weight which doesn’t help this situation) I see my friends, I have a job I like (for the most part), I was even on Match.com and went out on many dates and was interested in only one, and he was the one that was not interested in me.

          • Shirley

            Peggy Sue,
            It took a whole year & a few months to get PAST, wanting to GET EVEN! I had counseling $80/hour! I, too, tried Match & other dating sites! SCARY men on those sites! Met 2 guys through e-harmony, only to catch them lying about their ages & Just Not Into Me! I have 2 friends with boyfriends & male family members, who want to go knock on the cheating MM’s door & CONFRONT HIM & Wife! We all decided,BEST TO LET IT GO & Not risk our reputations for the LOW LIFE! I work part time, am retired, stay busy, walk every day, have lost weight! If I run into the SOB, he can see I have moved on! Believe me, I know it is Not easy to resist URGE TO GET EVEN! It passes with time! You CANNOT HAVE CONTACT! THEY HAVE MANY NARCISSISTIC characteristics, which can be SCARY! Hang in there! You will get through this! Thank goodness for BLOSSOMS site! We are Not alone!
            Shirley

  • Joanne

    I’ve been having an affair for a year and a half, with several attempts to end it mixed in there. I’m a single woman. He’s married with two kids. Met up with him Saturday. I know I have to totally end it. I spent all day Sunday crying. I want him for myself yet couldn’t handle him breaking up his family. Not that he would. I deleted his info but not blocked him. I’ve never been so heartbroken before. I can’t imagine not talking to him. This is horrible.

    • Shirley

      Joanne,
      The harsh REALITY is END IT NOW!! He is using you. These MM do not leave their wives—they like the thrill of “PLAYING” 2 women or more! I was in an affair for 6.5 years—finally became TIRED of the BS lines & only getting bits & pieces of his time! It hurts like HELL at first, BUT YOU CAN RISE ABOVE IT!! After awhile, you will FEEL FREE & BEGIN A BETTER LIFE FOR YOURSELF! The Narcissistic Rogues are Not WORTH IT! You can do it!

      • Joanne

        Thanks. I’ve deleted but not blocked him. Been going their it all— he has no intention of leaving wife. Nor do I really want him to. But he can’t give me what I want. I deserve a real relationship. He can’t respect me if I’m letting myself be used. If I keep going back. If I keep compromising my beliefs that this whole thing is so wrong yet doing it anyway. Not ok. Not worth it.

  • Eve

    I have been in an affair with a married man for 4 years now. We have wonderful times together and I love him so much. He also tells me he loves me but I also know that he will never leave his wife for 22 years now. They have big kids and he love his kids so much. My whole life is base on him, my schedules depend on him. Sometimes I say to myself I have to end it but I can’t because I love him so much but I also realise that I am really wasting my time energy on him. I don’t know how to stop it, it’s killing me, What’s makes it even more difficult is the fact that we are working together and I see him everyday. My heart is breaking because I don’t know for how long it is going to be this way.

  • Penny

    I have read so many comments on here and thought I would add my story. I know that it is long so thanks for reading. I’m 40 years old and not a kid so none of this makes any sense to me. I’m a single parent and my son’s dad is not involved in his life at all. I’ve been single ever since he left when my son was one. I have dated off and on but nothing has been serious. I have been friendly co-workers with this guy for about 15 years or so. We have always talked and laughed but that was all there was to it. One day, out of the blue, he contacted me on Facebook and that turned into long FB conversations after a while. This has been going on since last summer, so about 9 months or so. We started talking more, going to lunch, talking on the phone, emailing one another and we even went out to dinner and movies a few times. His wife knew about it (according to him) because he said he had to tell her and clear it with her before we went. There was no sexual relationship at this point but we did get to the point of kissing and holding each other-but we didn’t have sex. I know that doesn’t matter because it turned into a huge emotional affair.

    He told me that he loved me one night several months in and began to tell me all the time. His home life was horrible (according to him). She was controlling, she spent all of his money, she verbally and mentally abused him, just all kinds of terrible stuff. Once again, his story. He wanted to leave and thought about it all the time. He said that he wanted to be with me one day and that we would be together after he cleared up his current situation. One day I had had enough and told him that it was over and that I wished the best for him. He begged me to wait on him. He said that it wasn’t fair to ask me that but he couldn’t go on without me. He claimed to have even thought about killing himself because he was so miserable at home. The worst thing that he did was make me have hope. He told me that he would be a father to my son who never had one, even though they had never met. He talked about where we would live and how we would be a family. I ate it all up because I loved him.

    Everything changed over 2 months ago. He talked to her and decided to move out. He moved out and said it was over. I’m so ashamed and embarrassed to admit this, but that weekend, we had sex for the first (and only) time. I cried because I was so emotional. It meant so much to me. I thought things were going to change for the better. He said that he couldn’t imagine life without me and that I had “saved him.” He told me numerous times how much he loved me and how much I meant to him. We went out again the next weekend and it was great. Then, everything changed. He cut back on his communication with me. He emails but it isn’t like it was. Instead of talking about out future, he emails one sentence like “Have a nice day.” When we talk on the phone, it is meaningless and we are struggling to find things to talk about. I can go days without hearing from him when he used to get up first thing in the morning and email me and all thoughout the day (when he was actually living with her). He has not told me that he loves me since we had sex. He no longer compliments me or really says anything nice to me. It’s like the conversation I would have with a casual co-worker, not even the type that we used to have. He never wants to see me. Here it is, another Saturday night, and he has no interest in seeing me or even so much as talking to me on the phone, texting me, or sending me an email. He never talks about what is going on with him anymore so who knows if he has went back or not. I no longer ask. The last time he mentioned it was the night we had sex. He hasn’t mentioned her since. He still wears his wedding ring though.

    I know this is very long and I apologize but I need to get it out. This doesn’t do the story any justice and really doesn’t express how hurt, angry, devastated, hopeless and worthless I feel. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. I went so long thinking it would just be me and my son and I accepted that. Then he came along and gave me hope. It was false hope but he still gave it to me and now look at where I am.

  • Susan

    Our “affair” has been over for a year yet we have found our way back to each other. We are emailing again. I am living with my boyfriend and he is still married. Why can’t I let him go? I love him more than I love my boyfriend. It is so sad to me. Any advice on how to curb these feelings? The heart wants what the heart wants correct?

  • Joy

    I have been on a relationship with a mm for the last 6 mos.i asked him from the beginning to please come and tell we are ending and not just not show up. we had a miscommunication 2 months ago and I thought we were through, I didn’t hear from him for 10 days. I went thru all the crying and stomach aches. Then, he shows up. We had a talk and he promised he’d tell me in person. I have not seen or talked to him in 5 weeks. I knew he was having surgery so I’ve just been waiting. I called his cell today because I’m sure he’s out and about and he didn’t pick up or call me back. I’m assuming it’s over…..I don’t know what to think, I’m ready if it’s over, the heartbreak kills me!

  • Shirley

    You are NOT the evil doer! If you are single, you DO NOT TAKE BLAME! These MM should have BETTER CONTROL! Unfortunately, they get bored & when opportunity presents itself, they STRAY! Obviously, their marriages are Not that GREAT! They have NO backbone or B****, so they CHEAT on wife for the THRILL! They are the evil doers! Hang in there!! Will take time, BUT YOU WILL BE SO MUCH HAPPIER & a BETTER PERSON! These cheaters are CREEPS! NOT WORTH IT!

  • Shirley

    Dear friends,
    Rise above the BS, created by these cheating, lying married men! They want the Best of both worlds! They are Rogues & Narcissistic! You are a better person & deserve more! These MM never leave the wives & if they do, most likely will go back! Think about it—they cheated on the wife—they will cheat on you, eventually! I went through the same—6.5 years with the Creep! Mutual breakup! I have No doubt, he will cheat with another woman, if occasion presents itself! I have been free for 18 months! Feel empowered, self esteem elevated, excercising, weight loss! All good! Takes time, BUT YOU will realize the CHEATING MM is Not WORTH IT! Move forward & have a BETTER LIFE!

    • Nancy

      Shirley, I So can’t wait till I get to this point when It hits me that he isn’t worth it,when I can finally forgive myself. Can’t wait till my self- esteem gets elevated! I pray I get to a point soon were this won’t consume my every thought, can’t wait till I don’t feel like this was all my fault and I’m the evil doer in this situation.
      Why does our hearts gotta be soooo Stupid

  • Tammy

    Nancy…..Sigh, so I’ve waited 3yrs too long also, he actually came to me 5 months ago stating he wanted a life with me after a month of me moving on and I was doing so well too!! He has moved out but still goes over to their house everyday, pays for everything including all her bills n groceries, no signs of divorce or her becoming independent. He only spends Friday and Saturday evenings with me which is a total of maybe 6hrs and the rest of the week it’s a text relationship. If I ask questions he has no answers, gets irritated and seems content with things. He keeps stating it will change but we all know it won’t and yes, I fell again for his tactics. I wonder if I am being lied to again and again which I probably am!! Do yourself the biggest favor and stay clear, I ended mine a week ago n it was liberating and when I look outside of my box I realize how stupid and blind love can make us. We don’t think clearly, I see now that I should have never let him back in but I won’t waste more time on it other than grieving before I can move forward. I know it won’t be but a matter of time before he’s missing me again but I also know when I say no it won’t be long and there will be someone else if there’s not already!! Please think hard and remove yourself from the situation completely before more time is lost and more heart ache!!

  • Nancy

    3 years I can never get back! Hurt, shame, guilt feeling like a
    whore. Lies upon lies and knowing that I was nothing more then a piece of A**, and yet I love this man. How stupid could I be? The more I dealt with it I literally felt like I was about to have a heart attack, like it was starting to affect me physically not only emotionally. When you don’t know if you wanna cry, holler or go hurt him like he hurt you. Even though I ended things with him because it was consuming me, I’m hurt when I should feel empowered. I just pray that I’m strong enough to stay away because we tried this before.

  • Susan

    I had a 16 month long affair with a married man who had 2 kids. I eventually told his wife. That ended it for good but I can’t get over him. I write him mean and angry emails which he ignores now. He won’t talk to me at all now that his wife knows. They are on the brink of divorce. Please help me get this out of my head and heart!

  • Jade

    This is hard for me to admit but I have been in love with a MM for 6 years now. I hate the person I have become. He has told me that he is so in love with me and no longer has any feelings left for her but no changes has been made. I feel like he biggest fool just waiting around for him. He tells me he wants a life with me so I continue to wait but I can’t take this heartache any more. I am ashamed of myself because this is out of character for me but I am deeply in love with him still. I know I need to end this but I feel that I will be missing him like crazy , I just can’t imagine my life without him.I realize that actions speak louder he tells me he would be devastated without me but he still hasn’t made the move. I understand how hard it is to just pick up and leave , he has three kids and s been married for 25 years , so I know it’s not easy but what he is doing to both of us is wrong. I can keep going on and on but I will stop. I guess I just need some support here bc even though I know what I am doing is so wrong I am hurting every day and I just want to move on and heal.
    Thank you for anyone who is listening or has advice.

    • Susan

      I broke up with my MM last July by telling his wife. He has emailed me but we are strangers now. I have sent horribly mean emails to him and his wife. I’m so angry inside. I still love him and can’t get over it either. I live with my boyfriend now and it’s not fair to him at all. My MM also was married for 23 years and has 2 kids. He always said he “didn’t know what the future held” and let’s just live day by day. That’s hard to do when you are waiting on an email/phone call 24/7. I couldn’t do it anymore and told his wife. I hear they may divorce but he hates me now for telling her.

  • Shirley

    Irene—sorry you are going through the pain of the breakup with MM. Please know that you are Not alone. Many of us on this blog have experienced the same! It can be an EMOTIONAL roller coaster. Rise above it! Your SELF ESTEEM & SELF RESPECT are MORE IMPORTANT! These MM ARE ROGUES! Liars & obviously CHEATS! They know all the right lines, BUT NEVER LEAVE THE WIVES! Even if they did leave, you life with them would always have a lot of MISTRUST! They like having a FLING, until they get tired or wife finds out! I was in an affair for 6.5 years & mutually broke it off. Hurt for a GOOD WHILE. Out of the affair for 17 months! Empowered, feel free, have my life back! Have lost weight, excercising, SELF ESTEEM elevated! Hang in there! The SORRY A** is Not worth it! The wife deserves him! No doubts, he will CHEAT AGAIN WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!

  • Irene

    Hi. I had an affair with a mm for 4 months. We had known each other and were very good friends/coworkers for a year before the affair began. I no longer work with him. It began when we started training together, then going to lunch and then meeting after work. We texted, facebooked, and talked many times per day. We would meet often and even go shopping sometimes together (Christmas). There was some sort of contact between us, all day long.

    I am having a really hard time with the affair beginning and ending. It has been 6 weeks now, and I still miss him even though I know that this is for the best. I am trying to stop blaming myself totally for being in the affair and for causing it’s initial downfall, even though it would have probably ended in it’s own time anyways. He did tell me he loved me all of the time. We talked about everything. It was a very emotional affair before the physical part. In the beginning, he was going to leave his wife soon, but then towards the end, it was going to be in time/future. He would send me music/songs every morning and contact me for the smallest of things, just to check in, as I would with him. We would talk about the type of house we would have and where we would go/move to (he has 3 teen age children and has been married for 20 years). We talked about the problems in his relationship and shared everything.

    Moving forward, I initially ended it one day, but I made the mistake of contacting him days later to try and talk to him, upset and changing my choice to end it. He basically ghosted me for days and when he did respond, it was very basic, with one or two word responses until he had asked me to stop communicating with him. He said he was hurt and angry and needed time to breathe before basically telling me “good bye” in a text! (He’s 45). He then eventually blocked me from phone and fb. But, before he did, things worsened when his wife got an email from an acquaintance/worker who had spotted us kissing and having lunch together the day before, but sent it the day after we had ended it. He texted me, blaming me for basically everything. I reminded him of his involvement too and a few other quick responses that were made between us. And, I responded not too kindly.

    At first, I regretted saying some of the things I did, but as the weeks go on, i’m not as regretful. It was over and he can’t pick and choose only the ‘good’ or positive parts of me that he wants to. I was hurt and in pain about the entire thing. This was the first time he had seen/heard me mad or upset to. (those real emotions that don’t make for a good mistress, I guess)! This was the first and only time I have ever had an affair. I’m educated and not even a child. I am 47 years old! So why can’t I get over this and move on from it? I honestly do feel that this person and I connected on a level that made me totally lose myself like never before, even though he was an unavailable married man! Did I see myself with him? Yes. Did I initially believe he was in love with me and was going to leave his wife because of how ‘horrible’ his wife was( I know now that this isn’t true btw). Mistakenly, yes!

    And, yet he still lied to his wife but wants to make things work there. When he texted me that next day, he ended up denying that we had an affair to his wife, told her that we had only kissed and met once (alcohol induced) and that he had ended it with me (I guess we both ended it). But since then, he blocked me and I blocked him to, so no more contact. And yet with all that’s said and done, I am still missing him! I did start seeing a counselor over this to, for the first time in my life. When does this all get easier and why am I so hung up on this man?

  • Shirley

    Pisces,
    Tammy is CORRECT! Get Out of the relationship. You deserve BETTER! These married men, who CHEAT ON THEIR WIVES, are NOT WORTH IT! They are LIARS & Never leave the wives! If he is NOT CHEATING with you, he will find someone else to PLAY HIS GAMES & CHEAT! This one is VERY UNPROFESSIONAL & SOUNDS VERY UNSTABLE! Move on!

  • Tammy

    Pisces…..You are only human and fell for a coworker that sees how vibrant, fun and worthy you are! He wants to control you wt his jealousy, please remember that he is going home every night and sleeping in someone else’s bed!! You are young and can find so many men out there that are emotionally and basically more physically available to you as well that will treat you with the respect you so deserve!! I recommend you write down to remind yourself that he is trying to control you with his jealousy, the fact he is not adult enough to be professional is huge as well, he spends his weekends and nights with another female but wants YOU to stay single and wait for him till he decides he has time for you!!! I am sure there’s lots more as well!!! You deserve a real man not a child and a cheater!! He can say how unhappy he is at home but he’s not man enough to deal with things just like he’s a child by ignoring your texts, real adults don’t act this way! He’s not in high school for heaven sake, you are not to let his actions or words control you!! You are a strong female that needs to let him know he has no effect on you!! Stay strong, ignore his actions and if he text you reply with “I am over this, I deserve better and am moving forward!” Remind him he is married and you are taking the high road!! He will most likely just find someone else to continue this game with!! You will feel elated not lying to your friends and family and will feel an enormous weight lifted as well!!!

  • Pisces

    Hi, just call me pisces. And for almost 7 mos I’ve been struggling for a very unhealthy relationship which is being attached to a married man. Im lying to all my friends and family. Im 24 yrs old and I know that im wasting my life to him that there’s no future in him as in nothing! It’s like that my world belongs to him, im so attached maybe because most of the time we are together drinking, eating. We fought for a very light reason as he is easily jealous if I’m with friends even my family. Then now, he’s tired from me and throwing and pushing me away which is a good start for me to start a new life. But still im so idiot for being so hurt and txting him to be okay. I wanted this feeling to be gone. I hated myself for being so stupid to keep on sticking to this undeserved man for me. I wanted to move on forget and love myself. I wanted to be renewed. This man is mu workmate and even in the work he’s taking it personally and unwillingly to cooperate and get in touch. Please give me a very strong advice for my stupidity.

  • Moving on

    I had an affair with a married man for four years. I am also married. He is a cop and I ended it partly because he was getting a promotion and his schedule would make it so that I wouldn’t really get to see him.

    I did love him. It’s been almost eight months now and it still hurts sometimes. But I am writing here because it’s still better than trying to find time to see him, wondering what he was doing, and basically getting the crumbs of his life. I realized along the way that it would never change. He lied to me about many things along the way and I didn’t trust him. I knew I’d never be able to trust him.

    Leaving him was one of the hardest things I ever did. We talked a couple times after and he said that I pursued him which wasn’t true. He didn’t even mention to me that he was married until I had been friends with him for four or five months. It made me realize that it was easier for him to not take responsibility for his actions.

    He gave me a lot of mixed messages along the way. Sometimes he’d be so miserable about his marriage and then other times he’d say that he didn’t want to start his life over. Eventually I realized it was bleeding me out.

    Maybe in a different world he and I could have made it work. Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. But I made a decision to go on because I knew that I had to for my own mental health. I still see him in the paper or out driving around and it’s hard. But overall it’s a lot less suffering than trying to be with him. If you are seeing a married man just end it now. It will only bring pain and believe me that you will get better.

  • Shirley

    Christine,
    I agree with Tammy & Deb—these CHEATING MEN are LIARS. ROGUES, & MOST HAVE NARCISSISTIC SIGNS! Time will heal—I know—IT feels like HELL & TORMENT right now. I was in a relationship with MM for 6.5 years—Been free of IDIOT or 15 months! I am SO MUCH BETTER! Self Esteem restored! Weight loss in progress! Hair style better & different! I am EMPOWERED! HANG IN THERE!

  • Deb

    Christine… I’m sorry that you are going through the hurt & heartache. It does hurt like hell! I know you don’t wanna hear this cause I surely didn’t, be glad it’s done & over cause the more time invested seeing a MM the deeper the hurt is. MM are cheaters, liars & only think/care only of themselves. They will tell you anything to get what they want. You will be used, lied to, deceived & strung along. I did this for 7 years, believed in him, look where that got me. I ended it, he didn’t. The ladies here have really helped me. Tammy suggested to write down all of his faults, short comings & all the times you were left alone while he was with someone else. I did this, have the list at my office & another at home. There are days I look at it countless times cause I’m only on day 9 of breakup & it helps! They say the hurt becomes less with time, I’m hoping that is true. You hang in there girl!!!

  • Christine

    I’m separated with my husband and we are divorcing so it’s about few months and I will be free again. 3 months ago I met a married guy back at work. He used to look at me a lot and made attempts to flirt with me and get closer to me. At first I opposed him and told him to go back to his wife. Then he started talking about his bad marriage and how he is unhappy and he wants to leave. He has a baby of 9 months old and my son is 2. So we had many things in common. Then we started the affair. He talked abt his eternal love to me. He said that he’s over with his wife and it’s matter of time he will be moving out. He talked about future together and used to see me everyday. It lasted for 2 months. Then he started saying that his wife is not OK anymore about them getting a divorce anymore and there are problems happening but he wants me to be patient for us. I fell in love with him and was ready to stay patient. Then he started seeing me twice a week saying he can’t leave his daughter since his wife is not OK. Then suddenly he stopped talking to me and answering my calls and messages. Then he sent a msg that he needs space he’s tired. A week later I talked to him asking what’s wrong and he needs to face me and tell me. He replied that it’s over he can’t go on. He’s sorry he hurt himself and hurt me and that he can’t leave his daughter. So then I sent him many messages telling him how coward and a liar he is. Since then he never called or talked.
    Till now I keep thinking about him and I feel used. I still love him though and the way he left is making me go crazy with questions and wondering if all the love we had was fake or true.

    • Tammy

      Christine…..I am sorry to tell you this but you’re so close to your situation to see it…..you were used, he saw you as an easy target unfortunately. He most likely never even discussed divorce wt his wife let alone planned on leaving either. You need to let go and concentrate on yourself at this point, there are men out there that are emotionally available and not married most importantly!!!!! Start your new life for yourself n child in a good light and stay away n forget about the guy that basically used you and be glad it only lasted 2 months and not years of your life!!

    • Wasteof6years

      Yeah I hate to say this too but he just used you for one thing………please get out and stay out……….I had mine for 6 years and the same BS…………please walk away…………..this is nothing more than an affair……….men like this lie to us and make sure they keep us for when they need one thing…………..be smart walk away and don’t look back………………I promise you all he is saying is LIES……………. I wish I would of listened long ago but I stayed 6 years and 6 years to much……………..never will I do again…………..

  • Deb

    Shirley you’re right about Tammy’s suggestion. I wrote it down & when I become weak & wanna contact him, I say that list out loud, it helps. I know I’m the newbie here & don’t know a thing.

  • Deb

    Hi wasted 6 years….. I’m glad to hear after 4 months into the breakup you are doing well and moving on. You go girl! I’m 1 week in and I’m hanging in, not easy but I’m doing it. Thank you for your words of encouragement, it helps!

    • Wasteof6years

      your welcome Deb. I honestly thought I would die without him………ha what a joke………I feel good to be out of that and I hope all the new ladies find the courage to walk away………I know it took me a long time but now that I have I will NEVER go back or do again…………..he broke me like no other and I will say a hard lesson learned………………..chin up ladies we ALL can over come this………………….I did ………….
      oh and I had many many friends tell me this would happen and I chose to ignore it…………my gut feeling told me this would happen and I ignored it…………….I loved the thought of being loved but was fake love……………..my heart was broken bad but I am telling you now my heart is just fine……..not a day goes by now that I miss him…….he isn’t in my thought my prayers my life………………..hearts can mend………………..minds can as well………………….we all need to think of ourselves not them………………….Prayers for you ALL

  • Shirley

    CONGRATULATIONS! Time helps heal! Took me longer, than you, BUT ONCE YOU REALIZE how DECEITFUL THE IDIOTS CAN BE, You are FREE! Tammy had a good suggestion last week—suggested writing down all their bad qualities & checking the list, when feeling down or tempted to make contact. It works! I had Not thought about making, that LIST! At the top of my list was: He cheated on wife for 6.5 years, without remorse! Was a WAKE UP FOR ME! I can shoulder some of BLAME, BUT HE WAS THE MARRIED ONE! Hang in there! Proud of you Wasted 6 years—in the Grand scheme, you did Not Waste the years—you matured & learned from MISTAKE! Empowered you!

    • Wasteof6years

      Thank you Shirley…… I did do what Tammy did long ago………I still have that paper and when I get to thinking about him … I look at it and laugh…………lol what a joke……to think I believed him………wow cant believe he took me to my weakest point…….but know what me made me rise to my highest point…………..way it is I loved him more than I ever loved any guy to the most hated person……..and now don’t even care……….once you get past all your points and not care is the best relief you can have…………….moved on and fine…..I can live without him and I can be happy……………………..I am not stressed or worried anymore at all……….really took a lot off of me…………………….learned my lesson and will NEVER go back……..he isn’t worth it………I am worth moving on………….

  • Wasteof6years

    Just an update ladies………….I am telling you I didn’t think I could ever get over the heart ache of leaving my MM but it has been 4 months and I am doing great………………I think of him less and my heart ache has gone……………I feel free and able to do anything I want without worries now…………….I did waste 6 years………but I am making up for those six years and it is great……………………..MM lie about everything to keep us………….I have now realized this .. was hard to think all was lies but I see it for what it is now………and I am moving on………if I can do this……….all you can ………….it is hard a heck at first but each hour each day each month gets better…………..just wake up to it all……………………he will never leave his wife, he don’t love you and he just wants you for one thing……………be strong and you can over come this see it for what it really is……………I really didn’t think I could move on but I have……………..and I do feel free ………..feels good to do things and not wonder what he will think or if he will call or come by and you miss it………………I can do what I want to make me happy NOT him……………….aww breathe now………….life is good

  • Deb

    Hi Shirley & Tammy…..I thank you for your support & advice, very kind of you to take the time. I saw the MM ( a sighting is what I’m calling it) yesterday morning. I in my vehicle stopped, waiting to make a left turn & he in his work truck in left lane beside me coming in the opposite direction. The pit in my stomach became larger & felt a knife to my heart. I couldn’t even look at him unsure what he did on his part but really what does it matter. Have to say had thoughts of contacting him after seeing him but they were only thoughts. I thought of the advice you two gave me and put those thoughts to a halt. I’m in my 5th day since break up and I’m having these emotional breakdowns that come out of no where. It’s like a wave that comes crashing in uncontrollably. You don’t know me but I’m this strong b***h & proud of the fact, but when it comes to him, I’m weak. I knew the pain was going to be bad but had no idea of the severity. I know I’m not alone, far from, reading all the ladies comments on this site. It just sucks that I believed in him and look where that got me. I often wonder how he can look at himself in the mirror or sleep at night for what he did to me but I’m sure he’s not having any issue doing both.

  • Tammy

    Deb……Remind yourself that you are important and deserve to be someone’s priority not their option!! We as women are natural caring and nurturing, we forget about ourselves!! It will hurt less with time, you need to write down his faults, short comings and all the times you were alone while he had someone else….read this daily as a reminder!! You will never be as young and beautiful as you are right night so look for that someone that prioritizes YOU sweet lady!!

  • Shirley

    Deb,
    Be gentle with yourself! Love can be blind! You are Not ALone in this journey. Many of us women have fallen victims to the CHEATERS. They can be very persuasive. I am educated, have a lot to offer the RIGHT MAN. I seriously DOUBT your cheater is thinking MUCH about you! He used you! In my case, I had been seeing a MM for 6.5 years. When I finally had enough courage & firmly told him, I needed more from relationship, the SEX had become redundant( half the time, he could Not perform! ) HIS PHONE CALLS every day became all about him needing SOMEONE to talk & listen to him! One can take SO MUCH, THEN TIME TO MOVE ON! He had the NERVE, after CHEATING for 6.5 years, to tell me, he was going to TRY & RECOVER HIS MARRIAGE! BEGGED ME NOT TO TELL THE WIFE! Ha! I have kept QUIET, as I truly BELIEVE, Karma has a way of stepping in! In God’s time, Justice will be served! It will be PAINFUL, BUT once you heal, you will FEEL FREEDOM & ABLE TO MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE! We are WOMEN! Hear us ROAR! DOWN with the WIFE CHEATERS!

  • Shirley

    Deb,
    You TOOK THE VERY IMPORTANT FIRST STEP!! ENDED THE AFFAIR! Your self respect is MORE IMPORTANT! These married men, WHO CHEAT are LOSERS! Some have NARCISSISTIC characteristics! First & foremost, they will never leave their wives! Oh yes! All the BULLS*** lines—You are the Best Thing in my Life & I LOVE YOU! It is painful, BUT HAVE NO CONTACT! Move on!!Takes time, BUT YOU DESERVE BETTER! HANG IN THERE! That sorry A**, is NOT WORTH IT!

  • Deb

    Hi all…. I’ve been seeing a married man for 7 years! I ended it last evening & today I’m heartbroken, devistated & walking around like a zombie. I love this man with all I had. I put my life on hold for him. He told me everyday he loves me & I the best thing that ever happen to him. There was promise after promise excuse after excuse he leaving wife, all talk no action. This man was even close with my adult son & daughter & 2 grandsons the oldest of them he was there when he was born almost 6 years ago. We had so much in common & a connection that I have never had with another man. A week ago I asked status of him leaving wife, he tells me “I need more time.” I told him I’ve waited 7 years & the timer just went off. I told him I can’t do this any longer, I’m done. I told him not to contact me for a week as I need time to think this through. I also said in meantime I want my key back. He sat there shocked & speechless. He did respect my request & gave me the key. After the 6th day he texted asking to see me last eve to talk,I agreed. First thing I asked if leaving wife, said once again need more time, I told him then we are over. He begged pleaded & cried not to end this & honestly I said to self I’ll give another chance BUT then got the “balls out of my purse” & said I’m done no more time just can’t continue this. We talked for another couple hours stood my ground & didn’t change my mind. He took his belongings & we said goodbye & he walked out the door. Today, I wake like I said previously heartbroken, a hole in my heart! I Have regrets with what I did. I even started to text him then stopped myself. I already miss him & it isn’t even 24 hrs later. I’m fighting self not to contact him cause if I do I’ll cave.

    • Deb

      Shirley….I thank you for your input as it was MUCH needed. I’ve NOT caved & contacted him. I blocked all avenues to contact him & he me. I’m dealing with the pain & heartache as each day comes. They say time heals, will see if that is true. I still think of him a lot & wonder if he’s hurting too but I doubt he is as he has his wife. Gotta tell you, feel like a fool that I allowed him to do this to me. They say love is blind, don’t I know it!!

  • Shirley

    Virginia,

    Get over the Rogue! He will never LEAVE THE WIFE! He cried??! He is either a GOOD ACTOR or has some OTHER BIG PROBLEMS. Sounds like a VERY UNSTABLE PERSON!! Your self respect is MORE IMPORTANT! These MM are Not worth it!! Been there!! Out of the affair for 14 months! I finally realized how MUCH the IDIOT was dragging me down!! I am SO MUCH BETTER & MORE DESERVING, than to put up with HIS SORRY A** SELF!!!

  • Virginia Drew

    I unknowingly enjoyed a MM last week who kept it to himself until I had an inkling to ask. We both took each other by complete surprise dancing together then just hitting it off. I was shocked and devastated upon learning of what he referred to the beginning of the end of his marriage, starting th proccess to becoming“separated” so I told hi off; he was very remorseful. I have seen him once more against my better judgment because the attraction is insane. He cried, so frustrated and stuck, longing for the balls to leave his wife because they’re miserable roomates basically. I’ve been there since I am recently divorced, so I empathize and actually believe the dude. We agreed today to not speak until he fixes his life (if he even does), and not make me a “mistress”. What do I do now? Ugh.

  • Sarah

    I have been married for 12 years. We are having some problems- there is no passion in our marriage and we have gone for up to 3 months without intimacy (a long time for me). My husband has also gained a lot of weight and the attraction isn’t there any more. However, he does a lot for me and my family. Recently, I had a fling with a married man 15 years older than me. I surprised myself as I never thought I would do this. The man came on quite strong and I quickly found myself extremely attracted to him. A month later we had a very passionate but brief week together. He lives in another country and I can’t stop thinking about him. However, before I was due to return home he was very vague about seeing me again, and has only messaged me twice since. The truth is, I really liked him and if he had said stay, I probably would have. I am now trying to get over him without telling anyone what I am going through. I feel cheap and used, and had I known he only wanted something so casual, I wouldn’t have got involved,

    • Tammy

      Sarah, Most likely he has several women I am sorry to say! He came on strong because he knew you were leaving soon and never talked about a future because he wanted an affair! He will always be that guy that does this, is this something you really want to deal wt and be hurt and sad about time and time again? I suggest you put it in the past and get over him and if he contacts you it’s for another fling not something of substance!! I am sorry, I know your pain! We are not built for intimacy wt out feelings and emotions!!

      • Sarah

        Thanks so much for your reply Tammy- it made me feel a lot better. I think you’re right- i have noticed on social media that since I left he is giving at least one woman (10 years younger than me!) a lot of attention and she is suddenly liking everything he posts and vice versa. I need to get him out of my head and stop him affecting my life. He still likes most of my social media posts which is a constant reminder of what I thought we had. Short of blocking him I am not sure what to do.

        • Tammy

          Sarah…..you need to delete him from looking at your social media asap he doesn’t deserve to know what you’re up to!! Remind yourself daily of his short comings!! You need to find happiness n it’s not there, your husband? You need to figure out if you could be happy there n if not you need to change your situation, life is short!! I was in an unhappy marriage for 15 yrs n I am happier n freer now!! Focus on the things in your control not the guy that used you!!

  • A.

    Hi, I rather not say my name, I stated seeing him in September of last year. I’ve known him for about 9 yrs. Heard stories bout him cheating on his wife. He asked me some yrs ago, 2 go out on a date with him, I said no. But anyway this past year has been hell for me. He told me that his marriage has been over for a while. And of course I believed him.Told me how he always wanted 2 be with me and been liking me for years.Our first time together was on September 7th, we saw each other every two days, he took me on my first bike ride. We went 2 myrtle beach together.Octomber of last year somebody told his wife where I lived. She showed up @ my house with his stuff, so he stayed with me for bout a month and an half, went by 2 her nov 30th, of last year, we had just went out of town that weekend, by that next wednesday,he was back home. Now this whole situation has been nothing but drama from day one.She told people in the fellowship that we all r a part of.Everyone turned against me, even people I thought was friends.She has lied on me telling others I did something 2 her car, had me voted off the committee , not because I wasn’t doing my job, but it was all bull. His friends/ mine turned on us both.His wife had gotten so many people on her side, now I’m not the first one, their has been others.Back in oct when he was living with me, he always came 2 their house when he got off of work, til one day she was getting dress 2 go out, and he gave her a black eye, me and him have been seen by her friends, her son together.This women has some serious issues. And it ain’t me, yes I should have lefted him alone, but by that time my feelings was strong, so I stayed.Everytime I get the courage 2 leave, I let him draw me right back. We are suppose 2 go out of town, on his birthday dec 30th, 2 bring the new yr in together, we did it last yr 2, he spent valentines day with me all night, their anniversary, every weekend together, he even mention 2 me bout killing her, but I said no 2 that cause it was crazy, he told me 2 many times 2 count bout him moving out, but don’t.I know that he isn’t the one for me, he is everything I hate in a man, cheater, beater and lies.I truly believe that they r meant for one another, they both lie, play games,,involve others in their mess, and for the past 5 months maybe, this relationship has took a turn for the worst. I know I can’t live like this. Never been with a guy like that, the others kept it real with me, never thou I would ever met someone like that, but I have. I’m homeless now, and his wife had the nerve 2 text me and call me a homeless whore, she even text my husband telling him bout us, and had the nerve 2 bring my 3 yr old daugther into this, there are many times I wanted 2 hit her, but didn’t kept turning the other cheek, never thought I would be caught in no mess like this, I felt in love with lies, deceit games and its like they taking turns on me like this is a game, need 2 get out cause I don’t wanna hurt no one, its best I just walk away.

  • Shirley

    Tammy—sorry for your pain! TRUST ME!! That Narcissistic Rogue is NOT WORTH IT! He will never leave the wife—that is safe territory for him! He is using you, WHEN he wants a bit of a THRILL! I have been & dealt with all the SH**, like you! I was in a relationship for 6.5 years with a MM—same lines—I Love you, you are the best thing in my life—on & on! Been out of it for 14 months! I am empowered. Self esteem & confidence elevated! It takes awhile. Glad you are getting out & dating other guys. Hope they are good to you. Hang in there! The SORRY A** is Not worth it! In my case, the sorry idiot used his forty year old kids as an excuse to stay in marriage! I can laugh now! He is a NUT CASE!

  • Tammy

    I’ve found myself in an affair at a married man for 2 1/2 yrs. on n off I would break if off only to have him come back n state he can’t live without me and he will start the process to be with me. A year ago he came to me yet again after not seeing him for 2 months and stated he will do what it takes to be with me and for 6 months he had me and his wife and smoky and was extremely happy till I pulled away since he had made not efforts. Another month went by with out me and supposedly he spoke with his wife about a separation and stated he’s getting closer only to do nothing for the next two months and even go away to Vegas with her rather than to an event he promised me. My heart broke as I saw happy pictures of them on his wife’s Facebook and I let go and started to date to help me move forward. A month later he comes to me yet again n states he’s moved out and stated wt me over the weekend but in light he had not moved out but just left for the weekend and went right back. He says for his teenage kids that aren’t even his. I didn’t see him and heard little from him for a month again, granted we live in the same area. He sees me having drinks with someone else and texts me and basically tells me I ha e brought a 3rd party into our relationship!? I told him there’s always been a third party called your wife. I knowingly let him back in because I love him so much it hurt, we went away for the weekend wt my friends only to return wt him dropping me off and he going to meet his family….terrible feeling!! He told me on the way back that in one month he had set his mind on it, one month and he would be free. I so wanted to believe this, that date came and went and he played it off as a joke…I have not taken his emails n had told him if it was another lie, his whole month I’ll be free, I wouldn’t let him back in….I’ve keot my promise to myself even though we caught glimpses of each other in passing, I pretend I don’t see him. He’s had drinks wt a guy friend of mine in hopes of finding out what I am doing but my friend told him I am dating and after talking wt him he is a lost cause. I have met a great guy that has it all together and even puts me on a pedestal, tells me I am the most beautiful exotic girl he’s ever met and how sweet and kind I am and how he is the luckiest guy to have my attention. I know my married man will show up soon again and I know he will say whatever it is he thinks I want to hear to win me back but I keep telling myself he’ll cheat on me if he hasn’t already, there is no trust, I no longer respect him or his words so there is nothing more there than just physical which was fabulous but if the important things aren’t there I truly believe the intimacy will never be the same….I tell myself these things every day to get over it and I am slowly and it doesn’t hurt to have a handsome guy that is emotionally and physically available to me but 2 1/2 yrs it’s hard to shut that off MO matter how my heart hurts and part of me dispises him! I also remind myself of all the great guys I’ve Turned down because of him and the time he took his wife to a gala that he said was a work affair while I was asked to the same gala by two great guys and said no because of him……i tell myself just through another two months and my heart will be freer and I can move on for the life I need and want!

  • Shirley

    Emily,
    I am going to be up front & suggest some things, that you need to FACE!! First—I suspect your husband is having an affair! If you find out, & DO NOT need his financial support, GET RID OF HIM!! You can HIT HIM WITH CHILD SUPPORT! An attorney will cost money, BUT worth it! As for the married client, RUN!! He is using you & will never leave the wife!! Take control of your life! It will be a VERY LONG PROCESS, BUT NECESSARY! Then, you can find some PEACE in your life!

  • Emily

    I just searched this topic cos I’m living with turmoil in my soul. Iv been married for 10yrs with kids. For d past 5 yrs my husband had been cold…, there was no physical intimacy , no conversations, and I was financially isolated, made decisions on my own..my husband was almost always involved in one spiritual activity or another. That drove me from being involved.
    And I was so lonely n hooked a friend ship with a client.we talked on social media, many times with my husband sitting or lying next to me… he just didn’t care. Then this married client of mine showed he wanted me..it felt so good to be wanted, physically, sexually, intellectually. It became an affair for about 9 months meeting up once in a month or in 2 months as he lived in another town. Iv always known it was wrong. But I was afraid of being alone and not wanted/ desired…now he hardly talks to me and I feel bad. On the other hand my husband has come around says he had a bad dream about d turn of our marriage..so he’s putting some effort but after 5yrs I feel slightly bitter . Still doesn’t feel desire to be physically intimate . I’m confused, in pain, frustrated, bitter and angry with myself and everybody else. But still keeping a ? a calm front. I might implode any day. I need forgiveness from God n my husband, yet can’t tell him, and I still think of and desire the other guy in the face of rejection.will I ever get thru this?

  • 6years wasted

    so I have noticed all I am going thru right now all you are… I thought I was being a fool for being down over this but I see others are as well.. I am having a really bad week.. I am not sad or upset I am just down…
    never felt this way before.. Louis left you all and me an email .. I recommend talking.. it sure helped me out a lot.. I am still down but hearing the kind words well it is nice to hear.. and I am glad that I am not alone even though I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.. but mine has been over a month since I left him… I don’t miss him I don’t love him I am not angry with him.. I just don’t care.. but something has me down…………. I just don’t know.. talking is good for us all.. it might not be a subject we want to share but Louis is good and there for us… I have to see a councilor over mine cus it is way to much for me to handle but I don’t know.. I want to get strong so I don’t go back.. 6 years was way to long..
    I wish you all luck and we can make it through this..

  • Shirley

    Thanks, All is Well! You are Right! Nothing last forever! I have been out of & over MM for 13 months! As I have posted before, I am SO MUCH BETTER & hope to inspire others caught in same MESS! Blossoms site has been a good one! My self esteem & Confidence has been Greatly Elevated! The FREEDOM IS GREAT!

    • Tammy

      Shirley…..thank you fit your support!! I needed that today, it will be a month this week since he told me he was leaving wt the date of November 25 which came n went wt nothing happening n it being played off! I won’t answer texts or emails but I know it’s a matter of time before he surfaces where I am face to face. I just want to be strong n be over him when he returns…..I repeat n replay all the lies to myself daily….I need to completely let go so this new wonderful guy that is pursuing me has a real chance!!!

  • Louis

    I understand how you feel. I understand your desperation your love your anxiety your tears your sleepless nights. I have been through this. It is a terrible horrible feeling and I don’t wish this on anyone. But you know – you can only come out stronger from this. When I started, I was in a similar situation.
    1. I was married
    2. Got a divorce due to MM.
    3. MM said he loved me forever.
    4. I waited. patiently.
    5. Nothing happened. He ALWAYS had excuses.
    6. I Finally started therapy and doing a lot of things to heal myself. To learn that maybe my obsession with him was truly due to a lot of other factors in my life and my self-esteem.
    7. In the end, remember nothing in life is permanent. The way you are feeling right now will not last forever. Always remember that. If you get 5 good minutes in the day cherish them. That’s better than 0. It is important to have people who love you in your life. Maybe you can find a friend or a pet you feel love for. Good luck ladies. Trust me, it’ll get better.

    Send me an email at: alliswellLouis@gmail.com and I would love to help anyone else. I received a lot of help from online strangers and I would love to help anyone else. Just with anything. If you need motivation – if you need to figure out what to do next – anything. Everyone deserves to be happy. Please give yourself a chance.

  • Shirley

    Mary,
    He is a LIAR! He has No Intention of giving up the wife! I bet she needs his income & kids are involved! Stay STRONG & get away from him! He wants to keep you interested, just in case he gets bored with wife & decides to CHEAT AGAIN! He is an A######!

    • Angel

      Hey Ladies – that is right…be strong and let the MM go…..will take time, friends and space. It is true – they will never leave their wives and they do not have respect for those that they cheat with….I am a sweet, nice, natured woman who realized that after many months….on my end – I thought it was true love but he never was planning to leave his wife…and I realized he was in the midst of renovating and traveling with the wife….I am sure those wives just turn the blind eye on it all…..MM are not worth to be with…no matter how much our hearts hurts…..Best is to let go, never look back and for sure get your motivation and looks up ….joined the gym – getting my body and smiles back too….LOL he is still trying to cruise me again – I just laugh it off and and think what a LOSER – how could I have….never will again – we deserve to be top priority and not a side dish…These type of men usually have issues….who wants a man like that..they are called PLAYERS. Angel.

  • Mary

    Hello ladies, I can relate to what you’re saying, I’ve been seeing a married man for 7 years. Its so difficult to end it even though you know you should. He told me last week that they’re going to try and work out their marriage issues but messages me daily saying he misses me. I’m trying to stay strong and not talk to him. Cant wait until he no longer fills my thoughts.

  • Bevcha

    Oh I’m a bit down tonight and I’ve no idea why. I don’t miss him I suppose I miss being with someone. Although I never had him to come home too and I was always under suspicion of things I wasn’t doing. I just feel a bit lonely is all.
    This website is a godsend. So nice to have a non judgemental place to vent.
    If anyone can bolster me up that’d be great
    Xx

  • Bevcha

    Hi Ladies,

    I think I’m just suffering a hefty dose of realism last few days. This man is no longer in my life which really is how it should be. He was so so convinced I was cheating and I wasn’t but that probably isn’t what really matters now anyway. It takes time I guess but now I’m ready for all that life brings. If I ever find myself presented with such a situation again I will run so fast and far you won’t see me for dust.
    How are all you girls doing?
    Bevcha

  • 6years wasted

    Mercy, that is great.. I am in my 3rd week.. each day is getting better.. I think about him very little and when I do it is with anger.. I cant imagine ever going back to this dumby.. .but I have said that before.. he was always the one that left me.. this time.. I did.. I am tried of it … was time for me to say Bye for good..
    I still have his things and our picture up but I am taking my time with putting those up. I look at our picture less and I am hoping soon I will be completely over him. I don’t miss him . I don’t even care anymore. my love has passed and is going to wait tell healed to find the true love of my life .. that will be ONLY mine
    glad we are all doing good without these men… I know I am now focusing a 100% on myself and doing things I want to do for me… not to please him.. or to hide from him… this time if all MINE

  • Mercy

    Hi all,

    I am almost in the 4th week since the break and I have to say there are times I reminisce the good times which were very few, however I don’t long to be with him nor in that situation anymore. it’s mentally liberating to know I am no longer someone’s number two. it’s a relief everyday and it gives me reason to celebrate the decision I made to leave.
    I am happy I have a platform where am not judged for having made the wrong choice at some point. I am happy majority of us have gathered the strength to leave

  • Bevcha

    Hi ladies,
    Its been a week since I told him to never contact me again. I blacklisted him do have no idea whether he has tried or not and for the first time I don’t care.
    But I’m feeling strange. Its like I’m struggling to realise I’m free! I’m getting back to socialising and enjoying my time, things he didn’t agree with for no good reason. Now please understand I don’t want him back nor do I care about his life so this isn’t some ploy to say ‘look I’m fine without you’ I don’t care if he sees it or not. For the first time my life ISN’T about him!!
    Has anyone else found the freedom and liberation after the breakup actually a bit of a significant adjustment?
    Affections to all

  • Shirley

    Tossing their pictures & stuff is a HUGE FIRST STEP! I waited one month! Threatened the IDIOT, that I would dump all his cards, gifts, pictures, & clothes on front porch, so wife could see it! She thought, he had ended affair 5 years ago!! HA! I think she ignored many things, as he was her only support! I decided to RISE ABOVE ALL THE PETTINESS & LEAVE HIM ALONE! I do have some GAL & GUY close friends, that would LOVE TO EXPOSE HIM! After one year, it would serve No purpose! Glad to hear you are going out with friends & planning a trip! Be STRONG & EMPOWERED! We are WOMEN, HEAR US ROAR!

  • Bevcha

    Hi 6,

    Thats great! I’m so happy that you are closer to moving on!!
    I felt set back a bit last couple of days because I won’t lie, a part of me wanted him back. Ashamed of that as I am. But I then realised what I’d be fighting to get back. I would be fighting to be used, not trusted, criticized, controlled and left questioning myself every damn night. I can’t go back to that 6, I really can’t.
    Although I’m hurt and I feel stupid I’m not sure that I miss him, I’m not sure there was anything to miss. I guess people like him shouldn’t be missed, they should just be forgotten.
    Hugs

    • 6years wasted

      I am the same way.. I am just fighting it.. and fighting it with anger… so I understand.. I still have all his clothes he brought over and the picture of us up.. I do still cuddle in his favorite shirt. so I am bad about wanting him back too.. but the more I think that I go back to the last day with him.. and that makes me so stinking mad.. he was so mean to me but yet fought to keep me.. I don’t get it.. really don’t want to.. I know I was just his mistress nothing more.. all lies he told was to just keep me longer.. so my fault as well.. its fine.. I didn’t need that drama.. I would of been one hell of a wife to him but know what he didn’t and don’t deserve me.. I would of never trusted him either.. so his lost and my lost of 6years.. lesson..

      • Bevcha

        Hi 6,
        I in no way want to tell you what to do but maybe it would be better to throw all that stuff out. If you have reminders its going to be harder for you to move on.
        Maybe even get yourself some new things? New bed sheets or a blanket for your sofa, just something else to give you comfort?
        Tonight I am going for a small informal dinner with friends, if I had done that a few weeks ago that bloody moron I was with wouldn’t have been happy about it, well guess what? I call the shots in my life now! I will go with my friends then come home and relax in my space without the need to worry about what anyone is thinking!
        I also would like to take a trip back to my native Britain, another thing he had issue with. I have to say the freedom feels good.
        How are you feeling today 6?

        • 6years wasted

          Bevcha,
          I would love to get rid of his clothes and things but legally I cant do that. I have consulted with an attorney I have to wait at least 30 days.. then toss it all… I can take picture down but I am not to that point yet.. I am still trying hard to get over him.. I have with my heart but not with my thoughts yet… he has my home key… so I am screwed with that as well.. I might do what you said.. take all his shit and put it on his porch… but I was mean I called told his wife just seconds after I told him to F off… all these times I never left him.. he always did me cus I was pushing things so screw him I am moving on.. he tried hard to keep me just to keep control over me and he leave me later… no it was my time to move on.. .all his lies and promises.. oh man.. he took me down hard but I promise you he doesn’t know this cus I was a strong women when I left him.. in my eyes he is nothing but a pussy.. oops sorry… and his wife stays with him cus of his money.. ha funny thing is he is in debt. 100k now oh thanks to me he said.. jerk… but know what that is fine.. I will take all the blame myself.. I can forgive me.. but not him yet… I just don’t even care.. I still haven’t cried over him.. nor will I.. he don’t deserve my tears anymore or ever again… I am to the point I HATE him.. but I also hate myself for allowing him to do all this.. I am way to strong of women for a man to take me down this hard… my life is a mess right now but I am working towards making it better.. I want to be able to find a man some day not now that will love me that will want ONLY me… I want a relationship that is real not fake .. but I am going to wait to heal 100% cus the next man don’t need my drama caused by the married man…
          it is going to take time for us all but each day and each lonely weekend is getting better.. I do have to put that on my councilor cus she is the best… she is helping me get thru this and figure out why I only want to be with married man… deep dark secrets but it will be good… things will get better.. just matter of time for me.. and letting myself move on.. I will NEVER be a fool go back to him……..I am honestly glad all this happened like it did cus it would of been easy for me to keep going back to him.. now that he did this to me.. well there will be NO going back.. he totally destroyed me…. never again. shame on me and shame on him… all I will say…

  • 6years wasted

    aww, okay…
    all I noticed is WE have to be the one that ends these cus when they do that gives them the power to come and go if want to.. if we end it that means we wont put up with it anymore and moving on.. this is my first time and he fought me on it.. I had to be bad call his place of business report misuse of work phone then his wife.. this made it 100% official .. he knows I am mad and over his nasty limp XXXX lying aXX… lol okay had a moment there.. lol oh yes OLD>>>>
    okay over rant.. I am not even upset over mine I am just MAD… as heck.. more at myself for getting to involved and believing all the BS.. over it.. and sick of thinking of it all the time.. ready to move on and do best for me

  • 6years wasted

    I am confused with all the new comments on here..
    and it looks like me and Shirley are the only ones that wasted over 6 years on these men…
    trust me this isn’t easy one of the hardest thing I been thru.. but I am one strong ass women I will survive…

  • Bevcha

    Hi Ladies,
    I am done! I am so f**king done!
    The guy I was seeing initiated contact today and I engaged. The conversation went round in circles, He basically told me that he cannot trust me – all of this is because I didn’t allow him to go through my phone – and that IF we were to get back together we can meet (ie in the bedroom) but other than that I am not allowed to ask him where he has been or who he was with.
    What…the…actual hell!? I said to him ‘Listen I am NOBODY’S friend with benefits so if thats all you have to offer then you can go to hell!’ I have blacklisted, deleted all numbers pictures phonecalls the whole lot.
    Don’t get me wrong I have bawled all night and now look like a wreck but I kind of feel relieved. Like somehow I can finally move on.
    Any words of wisdom – Shirley you are a great source of inspiration to us all. Any advice for the initial stages?

      • Bevcha

        Hi 6
        About two weeks ago, I decided I didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore and didn’t contact him. He contacted me the night before last and came out with all the BS about getting back together but on a casual basis. I told him where to go with that crap. This time I told him I didn’t want him to contact me again. I have actually removed the possibility for him to do that now by blacklisting him.
        So I was broken up with him two weeks ago but he attempted to worm his way back, resulting in me telling him to stay away – I don’t want what he’s offering.
        If this makes it a bit clearer?
        Cha

  • Claudia-Maria

    I transferred with my company to a new (small) city 6 months ago where I didnt know anyone. I met a guy at a restaurant bar whike having dinner when visiting here to find housing. He told me he was married. Married men are off limits to me, however I was attracted to him and he offered to help me look for housing as he knows the area well, traffic, etc. I saw him 3 times that week and we made out one night. He texted a few times in the subsequent weeks before I moved, very light friend-zone text exchanges.
    The day I moved here he began contacting me intensely. I postponed seeing him and after several weeks of unpacking and adjusting to new office, I met him out for drinks. We began sleeping together and going out 3-4 times/week. This was my first ever involvement with an mm. I justified it b/c: 1) I was celebate for 2 years prior 2) I was new here and lonely . After 3 months, I:woke”up and wanted to please God and make an effort for a clean new life here. I didn’t see him for almost 6 weeks. Although he texted and I missed him, I never officially broke it off, instead I made excuses not to see him. He asked me what was wrong, if I still cared, etc to which I gave evasive answers. I was fealing strong and proud of myself. Then I got bored and lonely and when he wanted to come over and discussed what had happened with our relationship, I let him. Yep, we had sex and I fell back into it. Things were back to the previous routine only due to a job change and less income, he wasn’t taking me out, just coming over with wine and we’d have sex. He seemed obsessed with wanting to know if I loved him. He said he’d watched me leave work from the bar next to my office when I wasn’t seeing him and it killed him to be without me and asked me to promise I’d never quite seeing him again. I never expected nor wanted him to leave his wife, in fact he talked openly about her and with respect. He also made a point to comment about hit women he knew, but would seem jealous if a guy looked at me. 6 days ago I had a very bad day. He asked to stop by sometime I could talk about it. I agreed and he set a time he’d call before coming over after his barber appointment. For first time ever, he didn’t call or text, no showed. I texted, no response. Call went straight to v.m. and no “good morning ” text next day . I had some drinks and left a scathing v.m , and later a “how dare you disrespect me and stand me up, especially knowing I was crying over a horrible day”. He called hours later (day after stood me up). I couldn’t answer and it’s been 5 days and I haven’t heard from him at all. My gut tells me he stood me uo because he was with another woman, a former coworker of his who’s married and lives 2 hours away. He admitted to being with her once when mad at me, Although we weren’t fighting Friday, it was a 3 day weekend much like the previous time he saw her and she was able to break away from her family to see him. I am : demoralized, pissed, insulted, and want to know what the hell he did Friday that he treated me as such. I want him to comtact me so I can reject him. But at the same time, I miss him terribly. 2 weeks ago he left a golfew game to fix my car and now he’s hurt me and we’re incommunicado. I at least want answers/ closure. Why did he stand me up after HE wanted me to promise never to stop seeing him? Help.

  • Thissiteisalifesaver

    I’ve been on and off this site since I got entangled in this mess. I can’t speak for everyone else but I know I have some emptiness in my life and most likely made a poor choice due to some internal issues that absolutely need sorting. I also have a lot of respect and admiration for men and women that were presented with this possibility (I refuse to use the word opportunity when it comes to an affair) and chose to walk away. I wish I had taken that path but here I am now a year in… This cannot continue on yet I know it is going to take a helluva lot of strength to resist the attention and amaze sex. Attraction, attention, chemistry are highly alluring and humans need companionship. A part of me is resentful that he has the family and I’m on my own but I have to take responsibility for accepting this set of circumstances. I very easily could’ve said no, unacceptable. Plus, anger only hurts its container. If things were so incredible at home would someone seek out another partner? Maybe… bc they can get away with it but I have to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume there’s a gaping hole in his life. Something is amiss and at least we all have true freedom to seek out a wonderful relationship. I wish you all the best in breaking free and finding a true soulmate that can give you 100% of their time, love, affection and commitment.

  • Mercy

    Hey, 6 years you don’t suck. Don’t put yourself down the affair has already done that to you. Give yourself a pat on the back for being strong enough to leave it takes lots of courage. My strategy so far has been seeing the affair for exactly what it is was, painful,full of lies, disappointments, roller coaster of emotions and lots of lonely moments. I honestly miss none of that neither do I miss him. We broke up in peace no hard feelings against each other but I have no interest in being with him anymore. I am done and I pray for you to be done completely too.

    • 6years wasted

      thanks Mercy,
      I cant help it.. I am not to the point I am pissed and I seek revenge.. but I wrote all these things down and really trying hard not to do them… cus I am a better person than that… I can not do that .. who knows what would happen to me if I did plus the guilt of it…
      the only thing I miss is my best friend.. he was my everything so I thought.. to think I thought of him and treated him like my own boy friend these last few months my secret fiancé.. ha … ugh what a fool I was…
      this just seems to get harder each day.. and I am trying like heck to move on get passed this.. now the thinking of him as turned into night mares .. ugh.. cant believe how wrapped up in this I got.. I am not to bright on this…
      thank you for prayers.. trust me right now I need them bad.. just to keep sane…

  • Shirley

    CONGRATULATIONS Mercy!! You are on your way!!
    I am celebrating BEING DONE & OVER THE AFFAIR FOR ONE YEAR!! I also lost 20 lbs & have been excercising (walking daily, when possible!) I feel GREAT! Treated myself to a $12 bottle of Champagne & $11 bouquet of one dozen yellow roses!! We need to EMPOWER ourselves & always remember, WE ARE SO MUCH BETTER & DESERVE BETTER, than the WIFE CHEATERS, WHO TRIED TO BRING US DOWN!!

    • 6years wasted

      Mercy, I am proud of you… it is almost two weeks for me.. and each day gets harder and harder… not sure how I can get pass this and be okay… guess I tried to get over it to fast… I am going thru all the emotions other than crying……………. I am mad and hate him for what he did to me.. but yet I still blame myself for all he told me was my fault cus he was right… now need to get over the fact I wasn’t in a relationship I was an affair that needed to end long ago… but got in to deep.. knew this would happen to me.. have nobody else to blame but me……….I suck

  • Shirley

    6 years—GET A GRIP! You are NOT TO BLAME FOR HIS GAMBLING DEBT! He is playing you for a fool! You definitely DO NOT WANT HIM, with serious debt! He would make your life HELL! You will get through this! STAY STRONG! Get busy—get new hobby, community service, find a church group. You can do this!

    • 6years wasted

      I know.. these few days instead of mad for a week it has turned into everything he said so harshly our last day is getting to me.. I am to blame for it all and messed it up..

      okay that just sounded dumb.. I am trying..

  • Shirley

    Believe me! It was TOUGH AFTER 6.5 years,BUT I did it! A strong faith & letting God take care of it! After a few months, you begin to realize WHAT JERKS THESE MEN ARE! I truly believe, if another woman wanted to enter into an affair with the man I was with, HE WOULD DO IT AGAIN! His EGO IS THAT JADED & BOLD! THESE MEN CANNOT BE TRUSTED! The wives NEED TO GIVE THEM A SWIFT KICK & divorce them! In my case, the wife needed his income to survive!

    • 6years wasted

      Shirley, your right.. I know the only reason this guys wife don’t leave cus of money.. thing is.. thanks to me he said he is deep in debit cus he has a gambling issue… that I am blamed for.. ugh
      it is hard… and today is the worse so far… more I get sad the more I think of all the evil he said to me the last day that made me leave… saw a person I don’t like… or the real him…

  • 6years wasted

    okay ladies. I need all help today.. it has been a week today I left him……………………….I MISS HIM..
    I cant do this… I have to move on.. 6 years is way to much and I cant believe how he treated me the last two weeks… I have to be strong been trying hard but today is my day… feel if he contacted me I will go right back into this mess.. and I don’t want to do that………….
    encouraging words please… feel I lost the battle…

    • Bevcha

      Hi 6,

      You are doing really well – the sadness was always going to hit. Just focus on getting through the day – can you do something to distract yourself? Maybe try cooking something new, going to see a movie or phoning up a friend?
      Think like this – if he called and you went back to him, you would be back in this same position in two months time or a years time or whatever. That will be MORE time that he has taken from you. If you can keep strong you will see an end point. You will reach a point where him and his ridiculous life don’t matter to you. You will have your own life! Maybe by then you will meet a new guy that won’t hide you like some horrible little secret, moreover you will be stronger, strong enough to demand a level of respect in a relationship because by then you will know how being disrespected really feels and how you will refuse to go down that road again.
      My hugs to you 6 – you are going to be alright

  • EMMA

    Hi Everyone

    I am now 7 weeks (I think and pretty proud that I am not really keeping tabs either on when I called it off). I have seen him twice in the area we both work in. Both times leave me a little shaken however my recovery yesterday was very fast. Heart racing for about 10 minutes then I moved on. He didn’t see me. He looked as gorgeous as always but my immediate thoughts were

    1. How glad I am not waiting for him anymore to find time to see me
    2. How glad I am not in a sexual relationship with someone who having sex weekly with his wife
    3. How glad I am that we were not found out and all families are none the wiser (on my clock anyway)
    4. Just proud that I could do it with no crutches to turn to. Now to find my thing be it tennis, the gym, cooking and most importantly my family and work. This was how he lived his life when with me and I was a nice to have at the end of all that. Not anymore.

    I read what makes a man cheat – they are filling an emotional void usually started in traumatic circumstances when they were children. Tick Tick Tick with him. All the best to we girls who have found our strength. So proud.

    • 6years wasted

      its been a week for me.. and I have all kinds of thoughts and emotions right now… first I am mad as hell.. how can a man do this to me.. then I realized I did this to myself makes me madder… and believed his BS… today I am starting to miss him but I keep reminding myself his last day his words were so harsh and hurtful… still confused how I let it get as far as it did and why I stayed for so long.. but I believed all his lies.. guess something I wanted to hear.. finding it hard not to think about him all the time… wish it would just stop……

  • 6years wasted

    oh wow.. cus she snored..
    so I can survive without him.. ? mine was to long and I am trying hard to be without but my thoughts do go back to how he treated me well the good thoughts.. well crap okay he treated me like this was all my fault and I made him do all this……………..geez.. see when I say it out loud I realize how stupid it was and why didn’t I see this sooner… I passed up some good guys that were single to stay with him… maybe with time I can stop thinking so dang much about him………….miss him but he isn’t worth all this… I can and deserve better.. I have to see counselor over mine cus this is way to much for me to handle but instead of making us better.. I am making me better… to think he made me go see one.. ha joke on his dumb butt she told me to leave.. .and hearing what I told her made me see what it was and I was able to leave him next day.. to think this loser told me he wanted to marry me.. ha we were secretly engaged.. WTH
    ok enough ranting…………….I am starting to get upset and he isn’t worth no more tears……………at all…………….

    • Bevcha

      Hi 6,

      Rather than think about the big picture why not just think about it as hour for hour. Those with hours will turn to days and the days to weeks and in time you will see that you have begun to really move on. I also wish I had an erase button for my brain but we don’t have them.
      Stay strong. Nothing wrong with seeking some help from a therapist. We all need a place where we can talk without being labelled homewrecker or scarlet woman or anything like that. Some people are very quick to judge (what it must be to be so saintly)!
      There is a good song called ‘Yes’ by McAlmont and Butler – its uplifting and quite appropriate to how we feel sometimes
      Hugs

      • 6years wasted

        thank you Bevcha
        I never been hurt this bad or even talked to the way he did me…
        today is the day I am finally sad about it all… confused.. why I do this why I let a married man do this to me.. I am worthless no other man wants me… see poor me day…………………… need to cry good get it over with but I cant seem to do this… I keep laughing it off thinking I was a fool… and the things he said makes me mad… all my fault… really..

  • Shirley

    Ladies,
    Amazing how we all share the same feelings. I am educated,smart & NEVER thought I could enter into an affair. I did! 6.5 years & have been broken OFF for one year! I too, wondered how to GET THROUGH THE HURT & LONLINESS! I have & am SO MUCH BETTER OFF! I stopped Beating myself up for being taken in like this! These men are SLICK & ONLY PLACE THEMSELVES FIRST! One thing, that Blossoms has taught me is “YOU CANNOT TRUST A MARRIED MAN, who CHEATS ON HIS WIFE!! We are all good people, not home wreckers, ordinary women looking for companionship! These messed up men take advantage! One of the Stupid things, my nutcase told me, was he cheated, BECAUSE HIS WIFE SNORED! Our humor for today!! Good Luck Girls! You will get through this!

    • Bevcha

      Hi Shirley,

      Oh my god – because his wife snored!!?? Well I have officially heard it all now! And I thought my married mans profession of being polyamorous was ridiculous enough!
      I have a feeling that the hurt will set in for me but at the moment I’m ok. To be honest we have had many spats (Im British so thats a term for short silly arguments) in the last few months and each time things got smoothed over its like I cared less each time. It’s almost as if less of me went back into the relationship.
      After the frank and brutal discussion we had about our ‘relationship’ after he left its like I had this moment of clarity and so far that clarity hasn’t left me.
      I too, like all of us, am a smart professional woman. I’m a scientist and never thought I could act so irrationally. You know what ladies we don’t have to live with what we have done – we need to move on from it. Let him live his sham life whilst we live our free ones.
      Ladies we can live the life he WISH he had! Free with nobody to explain ourselves to!

      • 6years wasted

        wow, I am shocked .. I really thought I was the only one that did something like this… I too am a professional in the courts… but the more time goes for me.. my anger is starting to turn into missing him.. wondering if we will get back together… I am trying hard not to go with these feelings.. but I look back and see 4 times I have gone back… but this last time I am the one who broke it off.. I had to call his work cus he was using work cell report misuse of it by calling me way way to much and hate to say this I called her.. but I wanted to explain my side before like always he trash me to her make up stuff that could of had them sued or jail time .. calling her was dumb cus like always she is listening to him like it is all my fault.. well it took two of us.. not like I forced 6 years on him… I am still upset how he treated me towards then end. I knew he wouldn’t leave her and try to find away to not come to me. I was blamed for his gambling addictions cus I wanted him to call 3 times a day on the weekends so his only way was to spend all that time gambling so would not look odd he was going out calling so much.. was blamed for the arguments everything.. that is fine… I will take the blame.. so dumb.. the more I accept the blame the more it makes me mad and sees this for what it was… so I don’t know.. I have to stay strong.. avoid all contact that would make me fall back into it. my heart needs more time to heal before I can handle that if it ever happened.
        prayers to all of us that need the strengthen to let it go once and for all on a fake relationship………………ugh

    • 6years wasted

      Shirley, how did you get over 6.5 years.. mine was like yours way to long… its been a week and my emotions are so messed up today.. have been angery this whole week then today…………it kind of hit me different.. I miss that dumb jerk………..I cant do this anymore.. I need my life back…………

  • Bevcha

    Hi all,
    I am reposting because I don’t know if I made a mistake in submitting my first one. The long and short of it is I have wasted 3 years with a narcissistic moron. He was at my home a few nights back and for some reason wanted to go through my phone and asked me to sit somewhere else whilst he did so, I of course said no – that doesn’t mean that there is anything on my phone he shouldn’t see but I have a right to privacy in my own home! Well he most certainly didn’t like being told no (they never do, do they?) and this all led to me asking what the relationship actually was. Well I find out that he believes himself to be polyamorous (Doubt the wife feels the same way!) and that he only trusts situations he can control – this means because I will not allow him to look through my phone and have more control in my life he therefore cannot trust me and therefore cannot love me! Well guess what ladies that means he can’t HAVE me either – I’m done. Three years I have tried to be….less… its the only way I can describe it. Less ambitious, less able to stand my ground….just less. A shadow of who I used to be.
    He is a control freak, a liar and a manipulator. He claims he is ‘complicated’, he is not complicated he is actually as transparent as glass!
    We haven’t spoken since then – I have deleted all the old conversations, the pictures and any stuff he had at my house is in a bin bag! He said he needs time but he will be ok with me…. I tell you girls this guy is in for a shock when he contacts me next time!
    From now on he can go back to his deluded wife (can’t imagine the level of control he has over her) and stay the hell out of my life!
    In the past our fights have always crippled me emotionally and almost physically too, the moping, the waiting desperately for him to write to me… you know the drill but this time its different. I can now picture my life without him – without constant worry that he doesn’t approve of something I’ve done or said. I think I finally realise I don’t need him or his shit!!
    My hugs to you all – we are all in this together

    • 6years wasted

      this sounds just like what I just left… I feel you… thing is we all look bad…. we are the home wreckers but people don’t realize the control these men have over us…. I think the guy I was with his wife was controlling of him.. so he wanted to get his man power back and found me… an easy target to control… I am 23 years younger than him and he knew he found a young fool… but that is fine.. I will be fooled NO MORE

  • 6years wasted

    I was with my married man for 6 years. He told me for so long that I was the only one he loved (in love) and wanted. I tried to leave him many times. he left me many times. for us to just get back together.
    I thought I really loved this man. I gave him two months to come to me or leave. Last Friday was his time and I will say in the last two weeks he has done nothing but put me down hard for the relationship messing up so bad. we argued to much ect. but he kept promising me he was coming to be with just me Friday and would divorce her marry me.
    I knew in my heart something wasn’t right. I fought tell the end. he told me I need to go see a counselor to help with MY control issues and jealousy. I went to the counselor only for her to ask WHY are you with this man. I said cus I love him willing to do anything I could to make sure he is happy with me. the more I sit there and talked to her I realized how it sounded and she was right WHY am I with him. the next day I asked him are you coming Friday. he said I DONT KNOW. my heart sunk. I told him I would make it easier on him and I didn’t want him to come that Friday and I was done. he told me NO he didn’t want it to end but he wasn’t coming Friday. I reminded him I told him Friday or done. he kept saying WE are not done… I kept going on my word. I AM DONE. I was starting to get mad and see what he was wanting.. he wanted me but not to be with me… I wasn’t good enough to have as a wife only a lover. .. he did the best thing for me by telling me to go see counselor. this will help me better myself not OUR so called relationship.
    I am still so confused over the situation but I knew it would turn out this way… haven’t cried yet but I am thinking I am more relieved that this big secret that I couldn’t tell is over and done with……. (at some point he did ask me to marry him even though he is married)
    All this has been turned on me but that is fine. I will take my responsibility for my mistake… I wont for his.

    • Bevcha

      Good for you! You have made a great stand. I understand the feeling of relief – the burden isn’t yours to bare now and you can move on with your own life. You call the shots now!
      Take some time to do what you love – reading, walking, listening to heavy metal if thats your thing. You don’t need to plan anything more around this loser and his pathetic childish wants.
      Its all about you – the next six years will be greater than anything that idiot could provide.
      My hugs to you

      • 6years wasted

        thank you Bevcha.
        it is starting to get hard on me now.. I was staying strong but I find myself getting sad missing him.. but I keep trying to remember what all lies he told me and just makes me mad… I didn’t deserve any of this but I put myself into this situation. I am enjoying all I can and not waiting on a call or him to stop by unannounced.. I did this for six years I know no better… I been listening to this song by Lori Morgan. As good as I was to you….. this makes me think of his wife when I listen to this.. she didn’t deserve any of this either…

    • Mercy

      6 wasted years, welcome to the club of strong women who made the right decision. Mine just ended a week ago, it’s not easy but you will be proud of yourself eventually

      • 6years wasted

        Mercy mine hasn’t even been a week yet… all my true feelings have not hit me yet..
        I am just hoping I will stay the way I am and not give him any more of my tears…

  • Shirley

    Mercy,
    You have taken a BIG FIRST STEP! You broke off the affair! Time will help heal. A man who cheats on his wife does Not respect you! It took me months & like you, I was heartbroken! A year later, I realize what a joke the cheater turned out to be! It is like, when someone dies–must go through the grieving process! My biggest issue with the CHEATING ROGUE, is seeing him on social media, acting like the Christian man, & acting like all is well. Pictures with Clueless wife! Again, it is SO GREAT, to Not be in second place, waiting for him to play “family man” & then give me the CRUMBS! Our Self Respect & Self Esteem are MUCH MORE IMPORTANT!! You will GET THROUGH THIS!

    • Emma

      Hi Shirley
      Can I ask why you are still able to see/look at social media with your ex? I have read (like you I read everything I can to ensure I don’t revert back to affair life) that when you break up with someone and want to make it easier for yourself, you should clear all social media with them (no secret stalking), no going near where they work, live, coffee, drink, etc and getting rid of anything that vaguely links you to them. I may be wrong and very interested in your POV, I work two doors down from my ex but actively take the long way to not see him. I did see him last week after 5 weeks of no contact. He was “fine” “doing well thanks” and made the first move to say goodbye. It set me back over the weekend big time and reinforces the “do not contact” in all its forms.
      It is so hard and so hard to look back at myself and believe that I was in something special and different. All our stories are the letter the same thing. I have got a good story for all. After a year of an ex ending an affair with me about 6 years ago (yes, I am an serial affair person and now on a mission to stop forever) the ex affair partner called me to rekindle with me. If he had of called me when he ended it, I would have run into his arms like a child and clung tight. A year later I was so over him. I was trying to say to him nicely that I was not at all interested. The thought of him now is like thinking about no-one special. At the time I thought he was a God.
      You do move on.
      Does anyone else have a story of moving on and a positive outcome. We need more of those stories. War stories.

    • Mercy

      Shirley,
      Thank you so much for responding I feel so much better! He played the perfect husband and father back at home and neglected me so many times that I ended up feeling like I was in the relationship alone. I genuinely loved him and wanted to make it work but I have forced myself to accept and respect both his marriage and myself. I need to remind myself how I felt in the relationship to avoid lapsing. I look forward to posting in future about my successful journey to happiness!

  • Shirley

    Mercy,
    I can relate to the pain, which you are feeling. There is an emptiness & pain, that you cannot explain! Stand strong– I compared it to someone had died! You go through the grieving process. TIME WILL HELP! I have benefited from Blossoms blog. Also went online @ different sites referencing to affairs, cheating husbands–gained a lot of insight! If you stay with it, in time, you will see the light! It took me about 9 months. Your SELF ESTEEM & SELF RESPECT are So Much more IMPORTANT! I could Not afford counseling & friends & family DO NOT UNDERSTAND! I did what I could. The main issue, I have dealt with–seeing the CHEATER on social media, acting like Mr. Perfect! Pictures with his clueless wife! Anyway, the AFFAIR IS NOT WORTH IT!! You will move forward & be better, because of it!

  • Mercy

    I have been in a relationship with a married man since 2015 and I just ended it via text a day ago for the 3rd time to which he responded ‘I respect your decision’. His response killed me that he would not even fight for me, I thought I was worth to him and he would let me go easily. but now I realize am focused on how he feels instead of how I feel and how I want to feel moving forward. I am still in denial that it’s really over but I feel some form of happiness that I am no longer second. I am still heartbroken that I will not see him or hear from him again. It is a rollercoaster of emotions that I want to get off. I want to be happy again and I have had enough of the lies and sitting on the sidelines waiting for him to be a family man. I pray for forgiveness and for God to give me another chance at happiness, true and genuine happiness

  • Shirley

    Well stated! I have been out of my affair for a year! I can live again!! I was so used & could Not see it! The affair partner knew all the right things to say, was a GREAT liar! It takes time to move on, BUT YOU WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT THE CHEATER! I want Karma to bite his BUTT!! In the meantime, I have moved on & enjoying life!

    • Mercy

      Hi Shirley, I am happy to see you moved on completely. how did you do it. I just ended mine a day ago and I feel almost helpless like I’d rather hang on to him than feel the pain of loss though I was really unhappy in it

      • Susanne

        Mercy – one second, one minute, one hour – that is how you are going to get through it. The affair was no more than an addictive habit (drinking, smoking, drugs are in this bracket) that you are breaking. Be kind to yourself if you lapse. If you don’t you are one minute more to getting back your emotional health. The ex was taking the opportunity you gave so lovingly I’m sure but he never invested like you did. You have gifted yourself beyond your wildest dreams. Keep reading articles on why you did the right thing. They keep me strong.

  • Laurie Post author

    Thank you for being so honest, and sharing what it’s like to be with a married man. I can only imagine how painful it must be to be in a relationship that has no hope, even though it seems like there is so much love. Pain like this is difficult to go through, and the grief is heavy.

    I’ll keep you in my prayers, for healing and peace. May you find the strength you need to cope, the faith you need to let go of the past, and the courage you need to keep moving forward. And may you find yourself experiencing the peace and joy that surpasses all understanding! May you reconnect with God, and may you find ways to Blossom into the woman He created you to be.

    • Susanne

      Hi All
      Reading your letters and many other letters I’ve read on similar sites all say the same story again and again. I believe we are lonely souls attempting to fill a void from within. Now I’m out my 2 and half year affair and the fog is lifting (thanks to these sites that remind me why I need to be out of any affair) I can see things with clarity.

      The void is with us all and we chose to fill it this way. Thankfully there is no rush to fill it when your affair ends when grieving and sad as that is our body and heart repairing. Cry and sob – the cortisol released from crying is also healing. Gosh our bodies care for us. :-).
      See the married man as a person who was good at taking the opportunity offered and trying to fill his emptiness. He may learn this time that nothing fills it like doing the right thing to those he loves or he may not and continue to go out again and “beat the dead horse” of being in an affair (my new term for trying to believe the affair is more than a sexual hookup). A no win game long term. I’ve seen every angle, it all ends in heartache. Parents did it, husband did it, my sister did it and I have done it. One where I was the rogue and one where I was the used partner. I have this covered so to speak.

      I now admire beyond doubt the people who have been offered affairs and chose not to do it. Pandora’s box once opened is hard to close once you’ve been intimate with someone. Eventually we all have to end the affair, say goodbye and then do something lovely for yourself. You can’t ever run away from yourself unfortunately and I’ve tried. We are loving wonderful people and time and distance will break down the hold you had for your ex and the affair. One day you’ll wake up and say ” what was their name?”. I know you will.

      Look at our affair free friends. They have created lives that keeps them busy and mostly content. They garden, tennis, volunteer, join clubs, be friendly without flirting and accept life as it is. Of course they’d love the excitement and adrenalin rush that we chased but knew deep down what that means to catch it. We just went about it the long way. Not good nor bad – just our journey.

      Much care and love to you all. You got this!

  • Marie

    I want this to be the last time but don’t know how to do it. I keep giving him excuses and going back to him. Help. I have been seeing a married man for about 2 years now. We are both married, have children and use to work together. I actually found another job in part to help me get away from the situation. Unlike most of the stories I’ve read we would only see each other every 6 weeks or so as we live in different cities. As I write that it seems that it should be easy to get over this guy. But I fell hard. To his credit he never made any promises or even told me he felt anything for me. We never talked on the phone and only texted. Of course the texts would turn to sexting and photos. On the rare occasions when we were in the same city we would meet for dinner and drinks and I would ultimately end up staying the night with him. The sex was fabulous and there were real moments of intimacy that went beyond sex. I would try to tell myself it was just sex and those feelings were only because we were physical but honestly I know it was more for both us. There was a time where I would have blown up my whole world for him. But I know that wasn’t really possible. The only time we spoke of it he made a very pointed statement that I completely understand and that was that too many people relied on him and he felt responsible. The whole thing was a continuous cycle of the excitement the weeks before I knew I was about to see him, the pure happiness when I would actually get to see him, horrible humiliation and sadness I would feel when I left the hotel room, mind numbing sadness when he wouldn’t contact me for weeks thereafter, a couple weeks of acceptance and I would finally get to feeling better, then the text would come that he was visiting and it would start all over. It was such high highs where I would be glowing and grinning all day to low lows where I would breathless with sadness and crying endlessly. The last three times we were suppose to meet something always came up and we didn’t see each other even when we were in the same city. The reasons for not meeting were always justifiable so I would always forget the horrible feelings I would get since I didn’t see him. This last time when he told me he couldn’t meet I just didn’t reply and erased all his contact information. I am beyond broken-hearted. I just wanted him to at least try to get ahold of me but of course he didn’t. I know that I have to never contact him again but am afraid I will find some excuse. I am actually fantasizing about him contacting me but I know he won’t and I think that is what is hurting me even more. I actually thought he felt something for me. Was I really that dilusional with lust/love? Or was I just looking for attention and excitement and the drug like feeling of an affair? While it does help to talk and write about it I really don’t know how I am going to get thru this.

  • Natasha

    I ended my “relationship” with a married man on June 19th. It was so hard on me. But, the lies killed me more. We met online, yes I knew he was married. We started off friends. Talked every day. He became part of my daily routine. It got to the point that if I didn’t talk to him for a day or two, I felt I was missing something. He intrigued me. He was a younger guy, so handsome. He gave me the attention I so badly needed. That is the hardest part now is that I no longer have his attention and conversations. It feels like such a void. We talked on text for 10 months. He was all over the place then. He later told me, it was because he was trying to fight his feelings for me. But in the end, he couldn’t. He started telling me he loved me and it felt so amazing. The feeling of that lust and passion that a “new relationship ” brings. He ended up telling me he wanted me to move near him because he “wanted me close to him till the day he died”.. I did. I first went there a month before I moved there, we met in a hotel room and the passion and spark was explosive. He was everything I wanted him to be. I fell hard for him. The ride home (12 hour drive) I cried the entire way, because at that point I wasn’t 100% sure I was going to move there.. but I cried all the way back home and I realized I was so deeply in love with him that I was willing to make the move. So the next month I did just that. The fantasy quickly turned into a hard reality pretty much as soon as I got there… he pretty much seen me when it was good for him to and I spent lots of time alone. Completely alone. I knew no one but him there. He was all I had and I barely had him. But when we did get together it was so amazing… but I found myself sad a lot. But I fought thru it and stayed. Weeks turned into months.. I kept video diaries of how I was feeling.. I’m glad I did as I look at them now, I ask myself what exactly did I get from this? Lots of time alone.. broken heart.. lonlienes… it was not the dream I had hoped for… as the months rolled by it’s now 16 months since I moved here, it ended badly. I couldn’t take the loneliness anymore and I couldn’t take being last. So I ended it with him and told his wife, because of how badly he played with my head. Now I’m trying to figure out where to go from here… what now? My heart is so broken but mostly it’s that I miss our daily chats. I miss hearing the sound of his text going off in my phone.. I miss how important I felt to him before he had me… I do miss his touch and his kisses and the passion we once had… but the hardest part is not having that contact… I want so badly to move on with my life and be happy… I’m so scared I’ll never have what I had with him again. How he made me feel. That terrifies me. But he wasn’t mine. And, I don’t want a man who can break every single vow and promise he ever made to his wife. If he can hurt her that way, he can and will do it to me too. How do I let go? How do I stop thinking of him every second? I don’t want him to consume my thoughts anymore…

    • 6years wasted

      I know how it is.. I was with mine for on and off 6 years. I also told his wife this time.. she knew about our affair before this but he felt the guilt told her…. my problem is she blames all of me cus the lies he tells her… and he blames on me as well.. which is fine.. but mine just ended not to long ago.. like Thursday I am just calm about it all right now.. my only worries is what is she going to do file charges on me try to make me lose my job… she has tried this before… it is hard.. I cant tell if I am just relieved he is gone or the heart ache hasn’t hit me yet… he told me over and over he is in love with me only .. wanted me only.. but when time came guess who he didn’t come to… ME… I miss all he did for me as well.. I cant stop thinking about him.. but I am starting to think negative like how he treated me and lied to me … and blamed all on me.. kind of shocked I didn’t see this sooner… when I broke up or left him.. he freaked out big time cus he lost all control of me at that point.. and he tried hard for me not to leave… but he wanted to stay with me and be married to her…. yet two months ago before my birthday he got on his hands and knees asked me to marry him… yet I had to hid that… I am just over whelmed by it all still.. but we can all get thru this.. takes time… last time he left me was really hard on me but I got myself ready for this break up cus I was NOT going to get hurt again….. he isn’t worth my heart hearting.. I thought he was but I was wrong…………..take care of yourself this is your time to heal…prayers to you..

  • Laurie Post author

    I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers! For healing, strength, and courage as you get over the affair. May you find forgiveness and patience as you work your way through the aftermath of this relationship, and may you find it easier than you think to let go of this married man.

    And, may this experience make you a better person, with a renewed sense of faith, hope, and compassion in your life. May you find your identity in Jesus, and Blossom into the women God created you to be!

  • Faith

    I’m so thankful I have found this site. Wow God is so good. I can praise Him even though my heart is broken. I have ended my affair just this week. It has taken all my strength not to reach out to him today. I’m a Christian, and so is he…..so we certainly knew better. We were friends at work that grew into something more. He even prayed with me for my husband. I am also married to a man that loves me very much. We have only been married 4 years. It is my 2nd, his 3rd. We were having issues and I turned to the male Christian co worker and created a mess. I fell out of love with my husband, and in love with other man. He has been married to his wife for 30 years. I am thankful I broke it off after over a year but the pain is real. I loved him. Trying to piece my life back together. My husband thought we broke it off long ago. His wife knew all along. She even reached out to me begging me to end it. She loves her husband and will fight for that. I understand. Please keep me in prayer to resist him and to keep me on the path God intended.

    • Shirley

      Faith– I can relate with all you are saying! I have been DONE with the affair, very similar to yours. Was in the affair for 6.5 years! We mutually broke off the affair 8 months ago. Time is helping heal and MUCH prayer! This site has helped me move forward. I still think about him everyday. We were very much in love. He wanted to try & recover his marriage. I feel so FREE! No longer his dirty secret, no longer dealing with his erection problems, no more only getting the crumbs! Hang in there! These married men, who enter into an affair are LYING TO YOU, THE WIFE, & THEMSELVES! They lean towards Narcissistic qualities & are ROGUES!

  • Hafez

    I met this married man when i was 53 y and it was love at first sight .at the v begining i didn t know he was married but after i knew it was too late . I had this admiration for him and this connection and of course the amazing sex . I felt my feminity with him . He never said he loved me or promiss anything but we saw each other regularly snd inwas so attached to him . Suddenly he was distant and didn t contact me for a month when he came back he said he had issues with wife and children but i was hurt and felt insulted so we had a talk where he was tensed and tried to be intimate again but i refused and since no contact .. My problem is i ldo love him and i wanted so much to be with him . Never wanted something like this in my life . I m liiving my life but i m unhappy and i cry a lot and miss him and still deep down think that may be he would one day want to be with me . He had problems with his wifw and i m sure of that . Part of me wants to forget him and let go amd part is holding on . He is the love of my life i pray god everyday to ease it on me

    • Heart broken

      I had been seeing married man for almost 4 years, his wife checked her phone records and saw that we had been communicating by text message or phone call anywhere from 6:00 am to 11:00 pm daily for a year and a half, of course the phone records on go back a year and a half, but technically it has been that way for almost 4 years, needless to say, she was devastated, and demanded that he tell her whom it was, well he couldn’t tell her, because we have been caught a couple times before, and so he lied and told her it was a lady at work, I know this relationship should have never started, but over time, it turned to something more than we expected or wanted, he was also my best friend, we could talk or text about anything, we would have coffee some mornings before work, work out together, among other things, so I feel I have lost not only a lover, but a friend as well, also, I am married, and my marriage was missing a lot of connection and love, which is probably why this situation was born, now that his wife found out, well obviously that has been cut out, because she checks the bill periodically, if not everyday, and he has completely shut me out, once upon a time, he would talk to me about what’s going on, but nothing but small talk, he asks me how my day is, how I am doing, on a daily basis, but that is the extent of it, allowing my emotions to take control, I was taken back by the new way he was communicating with me, considering all we had been through, and I thought our relationship had grown to the point we could still communicate as we were, but when I stepped outside my feelings and saw it for what it really was, his new behavior was exactly as it should be, I was the dessert, and not the main course,
      I was and am devastated when I decided to call it quits, I have had a few crying spells, and sleepless nights, this has not been easy at all, but I have walked away for good, as of a week ago, and have not looked back, of course he has reached out, he has told me to hold on, wait this out, we can get through this and get back to where we left off, yes we could, but at what price? Would it be worth it? I have ignored the calls, texts, and emails. Part of me is glad it’s over, but the other part of me has a big void that seems at this time can not be filled, but I believe through prayer and suffering, this too shall past, and I need to focus on my marriage, to see if I can get back what we lost or get out of the marriage. I need to focus on me, and find out what is missing that I felt I had to go this route to begin with, and make changes to better myself, and be happy within, without help of someone else. This is a great website, very informative, good place to vent, I pray that each of you and myself find the strength, love, fulfillment, and peace in ourselves to walk away for good, and never look back. If you are driving away from somewhere, while looking back, you are sure to have an accident, which could possible be fatal. Take care, and I wish you all well.

  • Peace

    I met this married man on a social media we met became friends then lovers,he told me of his intentions to be away for a month,while he was away we always communicated,he returned after a month and 2weeks later i found out he actually got married while he was away,i was disappionted i brokeup with him but later got back together again, we have bin dating for over a year. He stays in a diffrent city from his wife due to his nature of job but goes home regularly,his wife found out about me but he refused to let go of me, i hang out with him and his friends,his elder brother knows me,he spends most of his time with me. He always tells me he wished he met me earlier he wud have bin with me and thid word hurts me. I cnt do without him i try to end the relationship but he always says he is truly in love with me but i dont take that statement of his to heart. Im tired of been his side chick, pls how do i move on

  • Haly

    I am in a relationship with a married man for 6 months now. From the start i know that he is married because he admitted it.i had a ldr before and I broke up with my boyfriend for 7yrs just to be with this married man. We are both here in middle east and there are many things that are not allowed here including meeting up with a guy which is not your husband but still he find ways so that we could meet he would drove almost 8hours back and forth just to be with me during his day off he would cook my favorite foods and bring it over.we talked almost 24/7 if we are not together.but realization hits me while he is on his vacation now with his family many things comes out in my mind that whatever happens he would end up going home with his family.i can not message him because he is with his family.it hurts a lot but at some point i am thinking that i need to end this because if i would not do this time will come i can’t get over with him . I tried to break up with him so many times but he always threatened me that he would hurt himself if i would leave him.pls i need some advice on what to do and tell him that he would understand that we should end this up.his on vacation now and im planning to break up with him when he came back here.my work is affected now because all i think is what he’s doing together with his family or with his wife,i can’t sleep well at night thinking about it.i know i have some faults too.that is why i need to make things right.i need some advice pls..thank you

  • Shirley

    My advice to anyone entering into an affair with a married man is–RUN! These men are ROGUES & some show NARCISSITIC qualities. I was in LOVE with the man–So many lines! I Love You, You are the Best Thing in my life! This is meant to be!! Ladies, we DESERVE SO MUCH MORE!! We need to take care of our self esteem & self respect! No MORE CRUMBS & NO MORE OF THEIR BS! The wife deserves the CHEATER!! I truly feel, he will CHEAT AGAIN, if the opportunity presents itself!! The married man, I was with, was retired military, Vietnam veteran with a VERY HIGH OPINION OF HIMSELF. Almost age 72–I see Facebook posts, where he is acting like the MODEL FAMILY MAN, CHRISTIAN–praying for everybody, and everybody’s friend! Does a lot of community service. SUCH A BIG JOKE!!

  • Shirley

    I have read some of the comments. I need constant reassurance, that I am Not Alone in the TURMOIL, that comes from an affair with a married man & the breakup! I was in an affair for 7 years with a man married 41 years! He was 65 & I was 62! It has been 5 months, since we broke it off, after a heated argument! No contact. It hurts & I think about him everyday. Same lines–I LOVE YOU, my wife does Not like sex, my 30 & 40 year old kids would be upset! I threatened to tell wife–he begged me Not too! I did Not act on it, as I would only look like the bad person. He was always generous with the gifts & money! I am more upset with the fact, that he walked away & moved on, like nothing happened! Fooled his wife for 7 years & plans to act like nothing happened! I want KARMA to bite him in BUTT! I am doing Much Better & slowly moving forward! I PRAY A LOT!

  • Mayra

    I literally just sent the breakup text. I haven’t had a broken heart like this in so so many years. I know it’s for the best. He can’t give me what I deserve.

  • Mayra

    I’m in love with a married man and hate the hypocrite I’ve become. I know I need to end it. I deserve more than the crumbs he can offer me. He’s become my best friend the past few months and that’s the hardest part. Yet logically I know he isn’t mine to be close to or leaning on for support. Lord give me strength to end this soon.

    • Susanne

      Hi Mayra

      You brave girl. Crumbs is a nice way to put it as that is what is offered in an affair. Sexual pit stop in their way home to family and possibly more sex that night with their wife. I’ve no doubt that happens…

      You have just gifted yourself more than you know. You’ve told him that you are valuable and worth more than being an unpaid sex worker at best. I told my ex many times before I could move on that he should really pay for the intimacy he seeked. Less hearts to break and use. Honest transaction between him and the sex worker. How many times did your ex walk away after an incredible session of love making and you barely heard from him? I can’t count the times with mine. All nails in the coffin as I got closer to calling it off.

      I believe we are related to other lost groups in society but in a less damaging way. Take thanks we are not addicted to drugs, drink or gambling. All of us however are trying to blot out something we can’t live with in its rawness. Find out what it is that had you in an available relationship and maybe nurture and treat that? May joy and calm be your long term state of being.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Rejoice,

    Read:

    How to Break Up With a Married Man and Heal Your Heart
    http://www.theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/dont-date-married-men/

    And, make sure you read through the comments section! You’ll hear from many women who made the mistake of having affairs with married men, and who are learning how to break free. They are learning NOT to be guided by their emotions, but instead to be led by their values.

    What do you want from your life? You can get what you want, but you have to be strong. The first step is learning how to get over a married man. Read that article. It’ll help.

  • Rejoice

    How can I break it off with a married man I love so much? He cares for me and each time I think about letting go of him I feel so hurt. Please how do I let go of him?

  • Suchi

    I became the person i dont want to be. Irrational, rash, foolish, selfish and sad. And he got angry when i lost my temper. And because of that he dump me
    Dump our 5 yr affair because i got jealous. I knew i needed to break up with him. I knew it will not last forever. But i didnt realized the pain its causing me. The pain that he can move on easily and find a new mistress easily. Which he has been doing for the past 25 yrs of his married life, jumping from 1 mistress to the other. I pray that ill be over this pain. And that ill be able to move on.

  • Laurie Post author

    Yes, it’s really hard to let go of someone you love. It may be the hardest thing you’ve had to do….but it’s also the most important.

    You KNOW you need to learn how to get over this married man — and you already know how to do it. You don’t need my advice, because you already know that you simply have to tell him you’re fine. The relationship is over, and you’ll survive without him. You’ll miss him and you’ll always love him, but you have to put your smart brain over your feelings.

    Yes, it’s very hard to move on. Getting over him won’t be easy….but it will be worth it.

  • Maria

    How I can move on and get over a married man if he keeps sending me messages? He will contact with me because he want to make sure I am Okay.He miss me and he will always love me.
    Its hard to move on and very hard .
    Please give some advice ….

    Thank you

    • Susan

      Here is some hard advice. Just end it and run. I was totally duped by my MM. I knew him from high school and we reconnected (he contacted me) in February 2016. He immediately was flirty and asking if he could take me on trips with him (he travels for his work alot). I was flattered and fell in love all over again (we dated in high school). I was smitten. I trusted him completely. We texted all day at work and emailed at night. He called almost every day “on his way home from work” – had to hang up when he got home to the wife/family of course. He never talked much about his home life other than him and his wife were not intimate anymore and he loved his kids. Anyway, the deeper I got into the affair the harder in love I fell with him. I got sick of being second choice. I got sick of not hearing from him on the weekends because he was doing things with his family. He would go on family vacations, etc. I just wanted more. I wanted to be a real couple. He started pulling away. Telling me he “needed some time to think” and I knew the end was near. I told his wife last July. We ended after that. He never texted me again. He would occassionally respond to my many emails begging him to talk to me. I stalked his wife online and sent her mean emails. He now hates my guts and refuses to respond to me.

      Bottom line – I got used for sex. I was his little sex partner who listened to him complain about his job, etc. and he went home to his “real life”. And when I put a crack in that life – he dumped me. It was beyond painful – I am still trying to get over him. And I am living with my boyfriend now. I still think about the MM though. It’s hard to believe we were “so close” – and it was all just bullshit. These guys are excellent con artists. They will play you like a piano and no think twice about it when you want more to dump you and run back to their real lives.

      It’s a hard truth that I am still struggling with.

      • Susan

        Wow. Have been sitting here reading all these posts. They are all the same story. What we are dealing with is narcissism pure and simple. My MM was a minor league baseball player and never stopped talking about his “glory days” playing baseball, getting to play ONE game in the big leagues. Gag me. I look back at how I hung on his every word and praised him. Stroking that ego. That’s what these jerks look for. I have not heard from mine since June 28, 2018 when he texted me to “Please stop, I’m begging you”. I’ve sent many scathing emails and texts telling him what a jackass he is and he has never responded. Stay strong. It does get better. I think of him less and less. I now am starting to think of that time as a bad dream.