How Do You Overcome an Obsession With a Married Man?

The affair is over. He’s a married man, and you know you need to move on. The problem is you don’t know how. You still love him and you can’t stop thinking about him. You know you should walk away because he’s cheating on his wife. He’s a married man and you have to let go…but your heart wants him back.

“I have to keep reminding myself of how many lies I have told over the years,” says Anonymous on How to Break Up With a Married Man. “I have been lying to everyone who is most important to me for 5 years. I’ve been sneaking around with this married man, ignoring my own husband who loves me more than anyone in this world. I have taken my husband for granted and I am finally realizing that. I find myself wanting to talk to my husband more and be excited about becoming parents (I’m five months pregnant). I decided to end my affair with the married man and still feel like I’m on a roller coaster. I know I’ll have some good moments and bad moments, but hopefully as time passes I’ll have more good. I really do want to end this affair and because it makes me sick that I was involved with a married man for so long. I’m just looking for strength to let go and get through the next few hours, days, and weeks until I stop thinking about him.”

You’re not alone if you’re searching for suggestions on how to let go of a married man you still love. I’ve written several articles about infidelity, and the most popular ones are about letting go after an affair. After you read my tips on letting go of a married man, scroll through the comments section. You’ll see you’re not alone. You’ll see how destructive and unhealthy it is to stay stuck in the affair…and you may even find strength and courage to let go of a married man who will never love you the way you want to be loved.

In this article you’ll find a list of reasons affairs are destructive and toxic, plus several tips on how to get over a married man and heal your heart. It’s important to focus on why you have to let him go and what you have to look forward to. Even more important is to renew your relationship with God, rebuild your spiritual self-identity, and come back to your healthy, whole self.

Reasons to Stop Cheating With a Married Man

You already have your own reasons to stop dating a married man, but this list may help you see how toxic an affair is. Accepting a breakup you didn’t want is easier when you focus on why the relationship ended.

Affairs with married men are never headed anywhere good.

  • Adultery is destructive, immoral, and painful
  • A married man won’t commit to a future with you
  • You can’t trust a married man who cheats on his wife
  • You can’t talk about dating married men with your friends and family, so you won’t get much support
  • A married man doesn’t respect the woman he’s cheating with
  • You’ll waste your life waiting for him to make a decision – and the chances he’ll decide to commit to you are slim
  • A married man is living with guilt and shame, which will eventually affect your relationship
  • Good, kind, loving men don’t cheat on their wives
  • Cheating damages families and destroys lives

What is your reason for searching for advice about how to let go of a married man? Make it as concrete and real as possible. This will help you stay away from him and focus on your future.

Remember that married men who cheat are liars. You see the good part of this married man, but he would cheat on you, too. Married men don’t truly respect or love the women they’re cheating with (their affair partners). No matter what they say, married men don’t respect women who let themselves be used.

It may be easier to let go if you learn how the married man’s wife feels. Read When Your Husband Still Works With His Ex Affair Partner.

5 Ways to Stop Being Obsessed With a Married Man

I’ve written several articles with practical tips on breaking up and healing after broken hearts. In this article, I want to focus on the power of love to help you move forward in your life. This may seem ironic because you think you’re losing love…but actually, the end of this affair can actually be the start of a whole new life of freedom, peace, and joy for you!

1. Focus on finding freedom to break the chains of the affair

Instead of allowing your heart and emotions to dictate your choices, choose to let go of a man who is married and end the affair. Yes, it’ll hurt. Yes, you’ll think about him all the time. But you can be free from the chains holding you to a man who isn’t good for you.

I know it’s easier said than done. Your head knows the right thing to do, but your heart won’t let you move forward. It’s especially difficult to let go of a married man when you don’t feel good enough to be loved by someone else. It’s also hard to let go when you don’t believe you could love another man the same way.

The chains holding you in this relationship are strong. You have to find something stronger, bigger, and more powerful than yourself. You can’t stop loving this married man by willpower or choice alone. You’re too weak and the temptation is too strong. The only way to let go from a relationship you know is unhealthy and destructive is to find spiritual strength. God created you, loves you, and wants you to be your happiest, healthiest self. He wants you to be grounded and centered in His will for your life…and God’s love doesn’t leave room for an affair with a married man.

2. Look at the obstacles in your way

What is holding you back from letting go of a married man who isn’t good for you? Maybe you invested time, emotional energy, or even money in the affair. Maybe you hope he’ll leave his wife and marry you. Maybe breaking up with a married man means you’ll be alone…and you’re scared or unhappy without a relationship.

Maybe you love him.

Becoming clear on your reasons for having the affair – and breaking it off – will help you find freedom. Why are you searching for tips on how to let go of a married man? Search your heart and soul to learn the truth about why you slept with another woman’s husband. What is holding you back from a truly healthy love relationship?

3. Decide that this affair is over

Here’s my favorite comment from a reader in response to Why Your Husband Cheated: A Marriage Style That “Allows” Affairs:

“You have to make up your mind to break up and let go of the married man…It’s hard for me to believe that there are other men who are willing to love me even more but there are. If you do not let go of what’s bad for you, then you’re not making yourself available for a good man. I’d rather be in a relationship with someone I like than in a relationship with a married man I love who can’t make me his priority. THIS ISN’T HAPPINESS. We deserve more. And it starts within ourselves. His wife doesn’t deserve this, either.

4. Start recreating your life

Part of learning how to let go of a married man is to rebuild and recreate your life. Find ways to incorporate new perspectives, new attitudes, new priorities, and new values into your actions and thoughts. For example, one of your new attitudes might be acceptance – because you know that resisting this breakup change will prevent you from learning how to live happily without him.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • What is one small change I can make that will help me grieve and heal?
  • Who or what is holding me back from letting go of this married man?
  • How long do I think it’ll take to let go and be free?
  • What have I sacrificed in order to have this affair?
  • What will I gain by letting go of a married man?

Write down your answers to each question; writing will help you start thinking about your future. Don’t overanalyze or overthink your answers. Try not to focus on the affair or what it feels like to let go of a married man. Be willing not to have all the answers, or know how you will live without him. Asking and answering these questions will get good, positive energy moving in your heart and spirit. The

5. Let go of this married man so you can be free

Breaking up and letting go takes time, but it will happen. You will get through this — and you won’t always feel heartbroken and sad!

Letting Go of a Relationship You Want to Keep

In How to Let Go of Someone You Love I share stories about grieving and healing from a breakup or loss from me and a few “She Blossoms” readers. Our experiences with love and loss will comfort and encourage you.

I share 25 Blossom Tips, each paired with a practical “how to.” Every tip highlights a different part of who you are—spirit, heart, soul, body, and brain. This holistic approach will help you move forward in different ways, according to your personality, mood, energy level and lifestyle.

If you want to share your story, feel free to comment below. You may find the other readers’ comments helpful; your response is welcome. Even if you don’t find the answers you need to let go of the married man you’re in love with, you’ll see you’re not alone. Letting go of this affair is the healthiest thing you could do — especially if it brings you back to yourself…and maybe even renews your relationship with God.


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2,152 thoughts on “How Do You Overcome an Obsession With a Married Man?”

  1. Hi. I so much related on this article. It is exactly happening to me. 5 days ago I really decided to stop and end my relationship with him..and now im on the process of moving on. Im hoping and praying that I can make it this time. Truly a married man doesnt respect the woman hes cheating with. I cant help but blame myself and feel disappointed. Because I never imagined in my life that I will committed on this kind of sin. Im trying to accept the fact that even good people make a wrong decision.

  2. I’m in a very stressful situation at work with MM. I put up with 6 mos of him love bombing me, then being mean and cruel.

    MM didn’t reveal he was married for 3 mos. I used to wonder why he never asked to see me on weekends and sometimes he wouldn’t answer phone at night. Asked him why he didn’t mention it. His response was “we live as roommates”. WTF?

    Anyhow I told him it was over 2 wks ago as all he did was play games the entire time. Hot & cold, disappearing, talking about other female women “friends”. Generally being an idiot!

    My problem at work is he is hitting on my friend. My friend says he keeps coming to her desk, bringing candy, walks her to the bus stop after work and is lingering around the washroom when she heads there. I told her all about him but she apparently likes him, hasn’t discouraged his behavior Omg.

    I’m furious he’s going all this in my face. I refuse to talk to him anymore. He says he’s “hurt” (?) and doesn’t understand why I can’t say hi or at least acknowledge him.

    I’m not giving this joker any of time whatsoever! I’m a basket case and dont know how to get him to stop acting like an imbecil.

    1. Hi Sara – I can understand your pain. You don’t mention how you initially felt about MM ….. did you once have deep feelings for him and that’s why all this is so difficult now ? Are you hurt and heartbroken or angry or a bit of both ? It seems very manipulative of him to chase your friend right under your nose. Is he honestly interested in your friend or is he just using her to make you jealous? The obvious question – are you able to switch jobs or at least to a different department? We’re all here to support you. Hugs xx

      1. Hi Sabrina
        Well yes I fell hard for MM and he didn’t mention being married which pisses me off. I thought it was genuine interest he was showing- but it clearly was not. He made a wierd comment once that “we will never go on a date”. I thought it was very odd to say at the time, but let it slide.

        Not too sure if he is interested in my friend (possibly) or just trying to make me jealous. Since I dropped him, maybe she’s his next target. She certainly enjoys his attention.

        What’s sad is he made me feel special in the most low effort ways and I became hooked. I attribute this to a very detached father (and mother) whose involvement in my life was very minimal.

        I am hurt and heartbroken for sure. He can talk to whoever he wants. I’m finding it hard to move on emotionally as I felt the connection we shared was off the charts. Who knows maybe he felt differently and I was just a toy.

        Moving to another department is not so easy as you have to wait for a position to be open and offered to other staff.

        My inclination is to walk by him like he doesn’t exist even though I’m still emotionally attached.

        I’m going to try online dating and join more groups when the world reopens again after the COVID situation.

        I feel like a total loser with bottom of the barrel self-esteem. I tried counseling for many years but it wasn’t helpful. Intellectually I know I deserve better.

        There is still that little inner child girl inside whose wounded and seeking to replay the dynamic of indifference experienced with both parents. Because it’s familiar territory and all I have ever known.

  3. Hi ladies! First and foremost I just want to thank every single one of you for opening up and sharing your stories. I have read a numerous amount of your posts and it has really been a huge support for me over the last year. You are all stronger than you think!
    I met my mm at work but our affair didn’t start until after he left the company. It has been 3 years we have been “together”. We talk every single day, all day from the moment we wake up until we go to bed on most days. I know my mm isn’t going to leave his wife. In the beginning he talked about it but after a year I knew he cared more about making everyone else happy rather than himself. He didn’t want to disappoint his kids, parents and family. So I just accepted it and tried to put a wall up and not get so attached. Well obviously that doesn’t work in this situation. We have gone through our phases of breaking things off and then someone reaches out and it’s all over from there. The vicious rollercoaster that you are all very well aware of. Even during quarantine we have been seeing each other. We had a social distancing get together with another one of our mutual friends and ever since then he has gotten extremely distant and his responses are very short. I asked him if it was me and he said no. Then another day he said it’s a combination of multiple things and we could talk about it but he never called. He has a habit of obtaining paralysis by analysis and goes dark. So incredibly frustrating!!! Or he will use humor as a deflection and brush it under the rug. That is not my personality whatsoever. If something is bothering me then let’s talk and move along. I don’t know why but for once in his life I want him to stand up and be a man and tell me what’s going on and how he’s feeling (which in the end is him ending things). Why do I have such a hard time doing it myself?? I know I would feel better if I did. My anxiety has been in full force lately and I hate living like this. My kids deserve to have a present mother. I am right there at the end and just need to get over the hunch.
    Like all of you-I am just over it and we deserve SO much better! We will never be their #1, we will never be at family or holiday gatherings together. Instead we are left alone. This is not how our lives are supposed to go. My piece of advice for you that are new in this-get out now! The longer you let it go on, the worse it is! I understand everyone has their own journey and you will know when time is up and go NC, but if you can build up the courage and do it now (which you can if you dig deep, you are strong) then you won’t regret it. Like someone else posted here-when you walk away the pain will slowly go away over time but the pain is greater when you are in it. It’s so true! NC is the only way. Chin up and stay strong ladies!!! 🙌🏻

      1. Hi Hayley-he’s actually a Libra but his personality definitely doesn’t match those zodiac characteristics. He almost has a borderline bipolar personality. Lots of highs and lows and questioning everything. Drives me crazy. He’s supposed to call me today so we can “talk”. Should be interesting once again! 🤯 I’m really trying to muster up the courage to just be done.

        How are you doing? Are you NC yet?

  4. Ladies I need help….I am struggling so much…I have been in a relationship with a married man for six months. I’ve tried to break it off at least four times. The most recent this past week as after he left my home he sent me an email that his wife “gave him a nice long sniff” after he got home and he thinks she is suspicious. I told him I wanted to end things and he said “absolutely not”. Basically said she wouldn’t ask him as she wouldn’t like the answer and not to worry about it. Then he sends an email telling me he accepts my decision, goodbye and he’ll never forget me. So of course I only last two three days before I email him and now he is not responding.

    We play this game all the time. How can I just move on? I feel like I’ll have nothing but loneliness after this. Phone is so quiet. The worst. I have so much anxiety. We only saw each other infrequently. Sometimes every two weeks and sometimes a couple times a week. He is not a very nice person. Narcissistic and abusive. I almost feel bonded to him in some way. He has treated me poorly. Told me he owns me although not ever a thought to leave his relationship. I actually thank god for that.

    What complicates things is we work together. I’m not asking if I should end it. I know I should. I’m asking how I get through it. It is so hard. I just can’t handle it.

    1. Hi Nancy – just know that you’re not alone….we’re here …. we’re thinking of you and sending strength.
      I’ve started reading incessantly to try to keep my mind occupied. Being alone would be much less emotional trauma for you than all the drama. You’re stronger than you think ……dig deep and find the inner strength you need to stand up to this man. How to get thru it ……is to accept that it won’t be easy and just take it one day at a time. The pain scale for the first 5 days or so may be at a 10 ……… the next 5 days may be an 8.5 ……. then a 7 …….the pain will diminish as long as you stick to not contacting him or seeing him personally or responding to him personally (other than work). Say a prayer …… you’ll get thru this hon – you can do it !! *Hugs* xx

      1. It is so painful. I just seem to be a sucker for punishment. I’m so tired of him running my life. I start therapy tomorrow night. I hope it helps. Were you able to break free?

        1. Yes I’m free now but dealing with the emotional aftermath. Good Luck to you Nancy – let us know how therapy goes !! Stay strong !! xx

    2. Hi Nancy . Your married man is manipulating you so he can control the relationship and everything is on his terms and his silence his a way to get his way these men aren’t fools this is they affair we in it just for fun of it. All these men manipulate their mistress as for getting over it just time and being kind to yourself it will be a lot of foolish choices made along the way but Hey that’s ok . Anna’ How are you doing in your Healing process ? Hayley . Happy Birthday it’s early but hey ? Girl you are gonna be just fine to new beginning !

      1. Thank you. EVERYTHING is on his terms and I’m sick to death of it. I’m sad. I’ve wasted time when I could have been working on me, spending time with my kids and just enjoying life. Instead I’ve been his “beck and call girl”. Always dropping everything for the few hours he can give. Ugh. I’m ashamed of myself.

      2. Hi Tricia,
        I actually am doing really well! My family has been through a lot this year so it’s nice to say that things are starting to get back on an even keel. At the beginning of quarantine I was really thinking about and missing mm and he did not reach out. But you know what? I 100% KNOW that was best and I’m glad he didn’t because I’d be back on the roller coaster. My daughter just broke up with her first boyfriend and I’ve been able to be there for her and show her what a strong woman is, and I think it’s good for her to see me without a guy I’m my life right now. It also blows my mind how much time I wasted on mm, time spent looking at my phone and waiting for something to happen. I’ve cleaned up my finances and I’m m getting ready to buy a new house. Ive taken care of things I put off for years because I was in an affair fog. I also learned ALOT about myself from mm. I throw myself into relationships – usually unhealthy ones and I lose myself. I’m still trying to understand why I’m that way, because when I’m single I’m the exact opposite. I love very hard and it’s all comsuming. I’ve always been that way but with mm it was on a different level. Not healthy and completely something I have to own. I still think about mm every day and I’m sure I always will but I know now how one sided it was. I still come here and read the posts because it was a big part of my life and taught me a lot and I’ll always carry it with me. But I want women to know that if I can heal then you can too. I didn’t have a happy childhood, my parents have passed away and it’s just me and my daughter and my friends who are family – and God. But that’s enough and you can do this. My mom forced me because he ghosted me. It was worst pain of my life. But I made it!. Had we stayed in contact it would have fed the obsession and kept me stuck in a dream world. It’s a hard road once you’re in an affair and a lot of pain. But you can come out the other side IF you get away from mm. This is a wonderful forum with caring non judgmental women. It will be a saving grace. Hugs!

    3. Hi Nancy,

      YEP you are not alone. Oh you met your MM at work ? Same here.
      This is not an easy situation thats for sure and I completely agree with you that at times its hard and difficult to handle.
      Take it one day at a time. Focus on you… do things that make you happy etc.
      One thing that works for me…now I am at a point I shut my phone OFF. I am tired of checking this phone every 30 seconds for a message from MM.

      1. I know the tired feeling from checking the phone. I got a break in silent treatment last night to tell me he “had a f$&k of a weekend and no mental bandwidth to send me a proper reply”. I’m supposed to get a reply today. This should be rich. God I’m tired!!!!

  5. Anyone on here said good riddens to their MM and have come out the other side? Is it the best thing you’ve ever done?
    I’m turning 40 in a few weeks, I’ve quit my job so I’m thinking maybe this is the time for a complete fresh start. Life begins at 40 apparently.
    Things have turned soar lately with my MM he still wants sex but there are no more chatting and the texts have stopped unless I initiate. He says it’s cause his wife is suspicious but I feel it’s him losing interest in me so I’m thinking I need to get in there first before he ghosts me. He’s also booked a family holiday which bothered me more than I care to admit and would like To be well gone by the time it comes around next year.
    I just need reassurance i will be ok if I do as I’m feeling extremely anxious about finally ending it cause I actually think he will agree to it (saves him the job) so I know I will be really hurt and upset when I do.
    Just wish I could fast forward six months on no contact and know it will be the best decision I ever made.

  6. Hi ladies. Well I texted my the Ex Mm Tuesday and I basically told him we couldn’t have an affair it’s too much gone on my son home and no place to go.Well I didn’t hear back from him and I don’t think I will either .And it just reminded me of how little he think of me and how little I think of myself for accepting any little attention and time he could give me sometimes I feel like a loser especially when we would have sex and shortly after that he would leave and I felt so cheap used .But he so charming and likeable that I could never stay mad at him long nor ignore him long I’m good as long as I don’t see him but when I do I feel like a school girl with butterflies in her stomach it would help if I had a real relationship with a man then I could just let him go in heart and mind. So for now I’m back on NO CONTACT ! P.S every time he wanted to start backup he always come over to make sure ain’t no man around he once told me he like his other woman husband free and man free he want all your attention !

    1. Hi Tricia,
      Good on you for being strong! I was hoping you would. I get the temptation, I think we all of us feel that pull to these men. I’m super proud of you. Big hugs girl. Xx

  7. Hi ladies. Well I got a problem Friday my Ex Mm came to see me at home ladies I was like kid at a candy store HAPPY ! Even after almost 2 yr break up ! He looked so GOOD and smelled so GOOD and dressed nice if my son wasn’t home I would have went to bed with him I’m ashamed to say .But now he all I think about this man would Ghost me in a minute when it suite him to leave and this is how I get suck back in the affair ! 7 yrs off and on ! My heart cannot let this man go and he knew coming over my house would trigger old feelings .Please somebody help me before I go back to Affair ! I’m really weak right now and I know it last for 5 or 6 months and gonna leave me again .

    1. Tricia – 2 years well done that’s amazing. These on off affairs are the worst aren’t they. You are actually in the stronger position here, he came to you! He came looking for you, he obviously been thinking about you. DO NOT let him back in so easily this time. Ask him what’s changed, what the plan is etc.. set your standards now. The power is in your hands. Do not respond to him straight away, take your time and keep your guard up! If he wants you he needs to show you. Make him work for it this time. You’ve done 2 years without him.. hold that power no matter how beautiful he is.
      You can do it. Also he knew you would be weak means he knows he can manipulate you whenever he wants. Turning up at your house is actually quite naughty after all this time to be honest.
      This is your time to be the powerful one in this situation. Play him at his own game now. Give a little of your attention but then pull back and observe what happens and see what he does. Just don’t jump back fully when you know how it will end.. make it work for you and you only this time or tell him to stay the hell away and move house so he can’t find you. Stay strong.

      1. Hi Tricia,
        I have thought a lot about what I could/should have done differently when my ex-mm came back to me after our 2 year break. I SO wish that I had paid attention to action and not words and done things on MY terms instead of his. Maybe I could have just had a little fun and not fallen in love… I don’t know. And if you can do all that then more power to you. I get it I really do. Either way it’s a bummer. If you do nothing, you will always think about him and wonder. Especially if you want that companionship. But, if you give in and be with him and it ends up hurting you, you could undo all the good you have done in 2 years. Not really any good answers to this one. Best of luck and keep us posted.

    2. Aw Tricia, I do feel for you. These MM have such a hold over us. If I could say, use him as much as he uses you, enjoy the moment, have the fun and pleasure of it all but nothing more i’d be a millionaire. We know its not like that for us, its impossible (psychologically and biologically) not to get drawn in and attached. And there lies all the hurt that will follow. How insensitive of him to turn up like that reigniting deep feelings. All I can say is don’t be hard on yourself, in the rational moments remember what it really means for him and that his actions are opposite to his words. Remember it will never be what you want it to be and it will be for nothing. BUT, if you do give in, then don’t beat yourself up about it, its totally understandable and natural. I feel for you girl.

  8. HI Ladies, I have been off and on here for a few years, I have been with my MM for 3 years and I am so glad that you ladies are here you are a marvelous support group, no judging, no condemning and I really appreciate that, most of my friends who know I am involved with a MM just say why dont you break up with him, why dont you leave blah blah and its clearly not that easy because we are emotionally involved with these men. So, here is the latest, the mm I was involved with was threatened by his wife hundreds of times to stop seeing me, she found out about us four months in, anyway, he never stopped seeing me and kept lying to her that he had. Anyway, the final straw for her was she got a tracker and he would leave it places and still see me. OK, so she kicked him out and I was truly happy I thought we could have the life I envisioned. Well, that has NOT happened at all, he is STILL Now trying to get her to take him back, he finally admitted to me that he wants tog o back so he can “save money” but he STILL wants to be with me, I asked him are you going to tell her that, he said no but nothing has to change. Ive put my foot down and told him if you go back we are done forever. Lately, I realize that I should end it with him because he wants to go back. This pandemic is making it hard because I would like to relocate. I dont think I can stay in the area and stay away from him. Any advice.

  9. Hi all! so I am in some sort of relationship with a married man (I am married as well) and I know it is wrong to be with him. He is married and a serial womanizer and my stupid self is ok with it, ok with our setup. What is wrong with me? I really like him and even though I know what kind of a man he is, I cannot seem to let go or walk way. It has been only 4 months and he has hurt (not physically) me a couple of times but I still cannot walk away. I think of him 24/7 and get really sad if a day goes by without me talking (messaging) to him. My emotions get really low if I do not hear from him and the moment I get a message from him, my emotions change and I’m a happy person. Like I said, we are both married with children and I am not expecting anything serious from this thing. I have zero interest of being his wife. I knew from day 1 he is a womanizer and a player, and I still don’t know why I fell for him and I cannot walk away. I really just want to spend time with him, but not end my marriage. But I am also feeling indifferent for my husband. I just think of my AP 24/7 and I’m like a giddy teenager looking for his message all the time. Please help me get over this guy and how to completely move on. It is so painful for me waiting for his message, and to think that while we are not together, he is with his other girls. He’s very open with having multiple women in his life, you know beside me and his wife. He has girls of all ages, (legal age). What is wrong with me? He makes me happy and sad at the same time. I really want to get over him and I just don’t know how. FYI, we do not live in the same city or state. He is very charming and I just fall for him all the time. I think maybe because of the lockdown, I am more drawn to him and I’m maybe using him as an outlet for my own happiness. But the more that I am with him, I feel I am more lonely and more desolate.

    1. Hi WinonaG – sorry to say this but you just have to quit cold turkey. Yes it will be excruciatingly painful and you will miss him terribly but it will be less painful than attempting to stay in this kind of relationship. I’ve said this before – now that you’re in this situation you basically have to choose which pain you want. Do you want the emotional pain of breaking up with him which will dissipate day by day and you’ll eventually get over it ? Or do you want the emotional pain of being in a relationship with a man you love but can never have ? The letting go is difficult but it’s the easier route trust me. And the longer you let this relationship go on – the harder it will be to let go – so do it now ! Good luck ! 🤗

      1. Hi Sabrina4, thank you for the reply. I have been reading all the comments here and reading has helped me. I realize I am not the only one who got sucked in this situation, and we are all basically sucked in the same way. You know, we were all loyal prior to meeting the AP. I was definitely not looking for an AP when I met this guy and I really wished we did not meet. My life would be without drama right now. I have tried multiple times to end it with him, but each time I have failed. It has only been since the beginning of the year, but I find it hard to let go. I have put sticky notes on my desk as reminders not to check my phone or not to text him, but I can’t help but do what I’m not supposed to do. It is very painful to be in this situation – wanting but not wanting him at the same time. I think I’d be more acceptable of the situation if it was just me and the wife, but he has other women but then again, I knew it from day 1. I was happy during the lockdown coz I was thinking at least he wasn’t seeing other women, but now that the country and more and more states have opened up, I’m just so devastated of the thought that he is going to meet up with his current girls, or he will meet new women. I am so stupid and a fool for wanting to stay with him. He is a serial womanizer who will not stop, and yet I want to stay with him. I find it hard to trust when he says he loves me and I’m different because how can I trust him? I’m sure he loves all his girls and says the same thing to everyone. I don’t know why I’m allowing myself to be used. I should know better. Any other tips/help/ideas how to completely let go? How long will the pain last?

        1. Hi WinonaG – I feel bad for all the women in this situation. I can feel your pain but believe me it only gets worse. The longer you hold on ….. the more you fall in love ….. and then the harder it is to let go. The coming pain is inevitable so I just wanted to get it over with and cry my eyes out and be done with it. If you stay in the situation the emotional pain is never ending. Are you in a position to reconcile with your husband ? Maybe you could turn all your attention to trying to save your marriage ? Hope you find the strength to go NC …… it’s the only way unfortunately. When I first heard that I rejected the idea as well but then I realized other people were right and it’s the only way. Read the book The No Contact Rule by Natalie Lue. Hugs xx

          1. Hi Sabrina, thank you for the reply. I am still in contact with MM and I honestly cannot stop. And when we talk, we talk for hours. I miss him a lot and really want to see him. I just wanna be in his arms and lay in his chest. And I know it’s wrong. But I cannot help myself. I am doomed. Even now, the emotional pain is killing me. Lord help me. Maybe soon Ill hit my head on a wall and realize I must END the affair and stay focused on my own family. The NC plan just won’t work for me right now. I don’t think I can last a day without messaging him, or us messaging each other. I do have deep feelings for this MM and I am giving him all my attention and time.
            How long will my addiction to him last? How long will I feel this deep feelings and connection with this guy?

          2. Hi WinonaG – your addiction and feelings will last as long as you keep feeding them with thoughts and actions.
            I’ve been at the point you’re at and at times you feel like you MUST be in heaven ….. but then the emotional pain comes and it gets worse and worse. I’ve read about several women who got to the point of wanting to take their own lives. I’ve also read about women who leave their husband for MM and then MM never ends up leaving his wife……. and then the woman is left alone and miserable and embarrassed. This is playing with fire because the pain is inevitable. You may think I was strong for being able to walk away ……. but I feel it was quite the opposite. I couldn’t take the emotional pain one more minute…. I couldn’t… so in the end it was my weakness that saved me – if that makes any sense. When you hit rock bottom as I did – you’ll wish to God you had of put a stop to the relationship earlier. It will eventually turn sour – sorry to say but it always does. Please take care of yourself. *Hugs*. Does your husband know ?

          3. Sabrina – I think I am finally where you were now. Not sure I can get any lower. I’m weak and so tired and exhausted.. i even videoed myself having a melt down so I can watch it to remind myself of what this MM has done to me to keep me strong.. sounds mad I know but I’m desperate now.
            Are you ok now? Are you glad / relieved you are out of it? Does it get easier? Do you miss him? I go no contact but then cave everytime. I need to press that block button once and for all.

          4. Hi Hayley – I can feel your pain. I like the idea of video taping yourself…. great idea! I haven’t even seen MM since January but we’ve talked some. I’m still not ok….. anxiety attacks, etc….. I swear I have ptsd over this.
            Basically we were almost NC for 2 months and I was attempting to heal my shattered heart…… then he contacted me – he was really just being friendly I guess – but because of my deep feelings I read more into it and felt happy and hopeful again (so stupid). Then he started acting cold again……so I’m trying NC again…… and feel like I’m starting back at square one to heal my heart AGAIN…… sigh. I’m still relieved though because this pain is still less than the pain of being in a relationship with a man you adore but can’t have ……… so I’ll choose the lesser of the 2 pains every time. Yes I miss him every single day …….. and I’m sure I’ll still miss him after he’s long forgot my name but I have to take care of ME now. It does get easier….. just take it one painful day at a time and be super proud of yourself with each passing day. Each time you cave forgive yourself and go NC again……and eventually the time in between caving will get longer and longer. As the emotional pain gets worse and worse you’ll naturally stop caving ! Instead of feeling love for him you’ll feel fear ……….. fear of the pain he causes to your very soul. Good Luck Hayley stay strong and keep trying *Hugs* xx

  10. I was taken for a fool and a lot of money. He actually moved out and filed for divorce. I was helping him get back on his feet. His “wife” got down right nasty. She controls him to this day. He couldn’t take it anymore and caved. He moved back in and continued to do what she wanted. I was told multiple times that she said that “she won”. I guess it really was all just a game. It is difficult for me to get over that. He was out of the house. He had his own place. That was four years ago. To makes things even crazier, my ex-husband, the guy that I co-parented with passed away two years ago from sexual asphyxiation. I am so angry at both of them. My heart is hurting. I hit the jackpot with two men that are controlling. I am now trying to build myself up again after multiple years of craziness.

    1. Grassisntgreener

      That is the situation I am dealing with right now! He has moved out and gotten his own place. I helped him get some furniture and get settled in. There is still no sign of divorce and he is at his old house all the time seeing the kids. I am beginning to wonder if it will ever be over. Its crazy to me since when I got divorced 10 years ago, we were done. There was no more back and forth and we also had a child together. It is a frustrating experience since if I bring up how it still feels that he is married (which technically he is but I dated before my divorce was final) I get push back and statements like I left, what more do you want. It still feels like we are sneaking around more or less and it doesnt feel good. It is also ironic that I was cheated on in my marriage and the girl I was left for & my ex are still married. I feel he heart hurt too – like why do I keep getting the short end of the stick – ugh

    2. Gina,
      I am in the SAME situation, I thought once he was out that it would be magically so good, and yes I see him more but he still is pretending that he is not seeing me. He still talks to her, ect that tells me he is working hard to get back to her. But, he wants me still but on the side. I am stuck because of this stupid virus in terms of relocating. I would like to end the relationship but I cannot, I dont know what to do.

  11. Hi ladies. I believe these married men want us to fall in love with them that’s is how that get us to do all the thing’s they want from us . PROBLEM is [ THEY DON’T WANT TO HEAR HOW WE ADORE OR LOVE THEM PERIOD ! DON’T SPEAK YOUR FEELING TO THEM ONLY SHOW IT !. Remember ladies they can’t control our Emotion and our actions and that scares them ! I was with my married man for 7 yrs off & on and ladies that man knew I how felt about him ! But one day Finally said those words { I JUST ADORE YOU ! And start wanting to do thing’s for him other then SEX ! Ladies that man slowly faded away from me and then just GHOSTED ME ! It was just over for GOOD I could believe nor could I accept either I thought well we can be just FRIENDS ? Well that didn’t work it just made me realize how I wanted him back and he start showing me how Indifferent he was to me and it broke my Heart ! And I knew in my heart that it was really over and it was time to let go . So ladies if want to keep your married man [ KEEP YOUR FEELING AND EMOTION IN CHECK AND DON’T TRY TO DO THE THING’S FOR HIM THAT HIS WIFE SUPPOSED TO DO STAY IN YOUR LANE ! AND WHEN IT’S OVER JUST WALK AWAY DON’T MAKE HIM SAY NASTY THING’S TO YOU KEEP SOME PRIDE ABOUT YOURSELF DON’T BEG FOR ATTENTION NOR TIME . Stay Safe and Strong ladies .

    1. Tricia, you are so right. And Bells Paws please don’t be hard on yourself. It’s not your fault, these men are manipulative. I would look forward to those few hours a week I would get to spend with mm. I was so damn blind and really believed we had something real. But little by little you can’t help but realize when they walk out that door that they’re going back home to a family and you’re left there alone and sad, waiting for them to contact you again. It all leaves you feeling quite cheap and defeated and you can’t help but want reassurance. It’s natural and normal to want that from the person you’re intimate with, especially when they’re leading you to believe it’s all so very real… My mm was also very charming, romantic, and had a way with words. I was hooked in, now that it’s all gone I see it was just gas lighting. I stand by what I’ve said many times, these men are narcissists. When they feel pushed and get scared, they ghost and run, what cowards, that’s not how a man acts when confronted with a difficult situation. I have no respect for that behavior and makes me wonder how I ever put him on such a pedestal….Sometimes I think wow how could i have loved the wrong person so much, and been so blind? Because I truly did, and I believed every word this man told me. I stupidity believed him and I’ve paid dearly with years of my life, as well as pieces of my heart that will never be repaired. I hope all of us ladies will fully heal one day and all may all our dreams come true because we deserve nothing less.

  12. You’re right Tricia. I wanted true love. He wanted sex. He cut off and just got what he wanted from me. I got more and more attached. I wanted love and affection. I mistook his passion for desire and love, physical intimacy for affection and care. I was taken in by his empty words and attention while he was just playing me. I don’t know if I hate myself for being such a fool more or less than I hate him for being so selfish and inconsiderate

  13. It was like mind games- it was as if just because he was married and had a wife I would have no feelings or needs of my own and if I ever expressed anything then I was the one being unreasonable and acting out. I hated it and I hated the way he played me. He treated me like an inanimate object- someone there just to serve him and his needs, on demand whenever and where ever he wanted me with absolutely no consideration of my feelings or what I might want. He was so protective of his situation, socialising with his friends and family was his complete priority without any consideration for me and during these times I was totally blocked out of his life. At first I tiptoed round him trying harder to be even sweeter and not ‘demanding’ or get upset at all. After a while, I wanted to have a calm and gentle chat with him and let him know how it all made me feel, but he never allowed me to express anything, he ignored my emails and cut me off if i got upset on the phone. He was charming when he saw me but his actions belied his words, the 99% of time he wasn’t with me I was cut off and ignored. I hated it so much and it felt so disrespectful. I hate it so much now too, looking back. I think now I can see his charm was superficial , underneath he knew very well the game he was playing and he was just stringing me along on on his terms. To me, stonewalling is perhaps the worst and most disrespectful thing someone can do to someone else.

  14. After weeks of him initiating all contact and coming on strong again his wife spots a text from me which he managed to delete quickly and he wants to end our ‘friendship’ cause now he’s scared of getting caught. What a fanny! I told him that if he leaves my life again he is never coming back into it cause I’m sick of it after 15 years of him leaving and coming back! I’m done. Of course he then said he ‘wasn’t sure’ so left it to me to do what he was too cowardly to do. She was spotted outside my work place so she clearly knows the text was from me. Day 5 of no contact and I’ve seen a side to him that actually puts me right off him. I am going to do whatever the hell it takes to move on now. I don’t actually want a fanny anyway I want a real man. I’m sure when things calm down for him he will realise he is still miserable and try to come back.. hopefully he won’t as this is when I become weak!! So I wanted to tell you all what I am doing this time to finally move on from it.
    Day 1 I had a melt down and punched the wall in anger and sobbed, I recorded myself. Sounds crazy but if I ever feel the urge to reach out I will watch it to remind myself. I’m doing ‘addiction’ mediation, I’ve decided to start painting it keeps me distracted, I’ve decluttered my home & ive confided in a friend who is now my break up buddy. I WILL not go back to him. I swear he doesn’t believe im gone, his birthday is in 8 weeks and I will not be reaching out hopefully this is when he realises I meant what I said.
    So ladies these men are complete cowards & when the sh*t hits it is us they throw away until things calm down again. We are better than this! Day 5 and I’m actually fine and relieved. It really does feel done for me I just need to be kind to myself.
    15 years ago I envied him I thought he had everything I ever wanted and they were better than me. 15 years later I now realise I am the better one. She is indeed untidy I saw proof on a photo, I’m very tidy. I’m 3 stone lighter, I have the nicer home, a newer car etc and sometimes stripping it back like this wakes you up.
    Affairs are meant to be fun aren’t they. So ask yourself is this fun or toxic. I was more miserable that I was happy.
    So come on ladies.. love yourself more than you love him. This isn’t my loss it is his loss and eventually he will realise it and I’ll be long gone. He won’t find another me ever.
    I know I’ve said this before so I’m making a promise to all of you that I’m going to get over this this time and report back to you all. I think a few of you ladies on here should join me on my journey.
    We are so much better than them, I promise you.
    Stay strong. Who wants a fanny of a man.

  15. What I found most difficult to deal with my MM was his stonewalling. He NEVER EVER would speak to me about the situation, or allow me to express how i felt about things and the way he acted. For example, after we had a time of intimacy and affection together, i’d have to take him back to the station. My heart was in my boots because I knew that following this i’d be cut off from him, no messages no communication, until I’d cautiously reach out to him and he’d reply with a gruff dismissive response..until next time he wanted to hook up. I absolutely hated this, it made me feel so discarded and an inconvenience for 99% of the time . I wanted to tell him how much it hurt me but he was the King of Avoidance: he never let me express myself in person, he ghosted my emails if i ever raised this and if i lost it and got upset on the phone he cut me off. His selfishness and inconsideration etc I didn’t like but what I found the
    most disrespectful , hurtful and difficult to deal with was him stonewalling me. After a year, i lost it on the phone to him and said things about him that I really regret, but it was because all my feelings had built up that he refused to ever allow me to talk about or address. Now it makes me look like the unstable, emotional one, when i feel its his controlling disrespectful manner. i hate myself for having lost my cool, but i felt mad and he’d never allowed us the chance to discuss things calmly and openly. Did anyone else have stonewalling from their MM and do you think its him just in this situation towards us or is it him in general?

    1. Bells paws – avoidance is exactly what my MM was.. stonewalling is spot on & I think it’s the same with most of these men. I feel it’s part of their control tactic.
      He avoids problems in his marriage too they would go days, weeks without speaking to each other. Avoid avoid avoid cause it’s easier for them to face the reality & who wants a man like that. Communication is key something most of these MM do not have.

      1. yes, it is his fault. He can’t confront problems or address any issues in this life including his marriage. His relationship with his wife is superficial, they only talk about holidays, weather, shopping and the children. There is no depth to it or between them. They’re not even able to address the fundamental problem between them of no sex for 15 years- the elephant in the room. His way is to brush everything under the carpet and play happy families and what a great guy he is. In any relationship and even an affair is a relationship of some kind, open communication is so important . Going forward, i’ve identified it as one of my red flags: at the the sign of stonewalling or no communication its going to be over

    2. Bells paw. I think when we start becoming to EMOTIONAL ATTACHED to them and saying all the lovey Dovey stuff to them it’s game over ! When the married man enter a affair I think they know just what they want out of it and I think it’s mostly just sex and a little attention to make the wife take notice and take action and then that’s when we hear well { EVERYTHING AT HOME IS GOOD NOW !] OH really ? And they just start string us along until they get tired and Discard us. I think eventually they start up with another woman anyway ? The married man treat his mistress differently then how they treat their wives leaving their wives is like giving up half of who there are their whole identity is wrapped up in being married and what it society thinks. We are just break In case of emergency girls .And there’s never a Happy Ending We Pay A High Price for A Little Attention and truly not worth it ………………Hayley Sweetie.,,Please be careful his wife know too much about you and your affair to her HUSBAND ! Her standing outside your workplace to me is a threat don’t take that lightly ! I know it’s hard but leave him be and turn into the invisible woman on His Ass ! Ask God To take all your desires you for him away and Remove him from your life once and for all ! Don’t give him another 15 years to play mind games with you ! YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT ! Good luck !

      1. Tricia – kind words thank you. Yes I’m leaving him for dust now and eventually when it calms down at home and he realises he’s still miserable the cycle will repeat only I won’t be there again. I’m so done now. He really is a wuss and I’ve seen a side to him that just makes me laugh at him.
        Lockdown isn’t the best time but I believe this was meant to happen now, God’s plan? So I can use this time to concentrate on me only, long baths, reading, new hobbies etc and so far I’m feeling good.
        His wife was suspicious 15 years ago and apparently she’s never stopped mentioning me since.. she’s got no proof we’ve even be in touch all these years but cause our jobs are linked and she saw a text she’s put two and two together. I wish she would just contact me and ask me straight out but I guess she is too scared. Who knows but they are welcome to eachother now. All this made me realise just how little he thought of me so now he’s completely lost me. Good riddens.
        Stay strong ladies don’t be like me.. 15 years on/off wasted energy on someone who isn’t even that attractive!
        Thanks again and I’ll report on my progress.

  16. Dear Sabrina,

    Thank you for your reply. I read it 3 times and you had excellent advice and I am very thankful for it.
    Yes, only 10 months. See, in the beginning it would “not bother” me that he is married. I blocked it out of my mind, he never talks about her etc so it was easy not to think about it. As months went on and we became intimate over and over I clearly developed alot of feelings for him. He normally is very chatty with me but I think the Corona Virus is in the way. He normally works from home so he has all day to chat but now the wife works from home too which makes it more complicated.
    Thats right, he is someones husband and unavailable for me and I need to get that in my head. I pray about it alot, that I find the strength to deal with this because eventually it could cause some serious health issues for me.
    Why does this have to be so difficult ? Why did he had to pick me ? I should have ran away the day he told me that he was married. But that was 2 months later when we met and I already got sucked into it.
    May I ask how you stopped seeing your MM ? Did you talk to him about it or did you ghost him ?

    Many hugs back :)

    1. Hi O – is he telling you he’s going to leave his wife for you ? Be very careful ….. this type of relationship can emotionally devastate people. I didn’t know how difficult it was to deal with either until I was in too deep. I’m very sensitive and I had no business being in a relationship like that. I’m embarrassed to say I’m also married ….. but I fell so head over heals in love – I didn’t feel I was cheating – I felt like I had decided to move on ….. even though I have a good husband. I thought we would both leave our spouses and be together….. well that didn’t happen. It’s a long story but I kept waiting and then finally realized (duh!) … he’s saying he wants to leave his wife – but he’s not actually going to leave his wife – he just keeps saying that so I’ll keep hanging around. I would never ghost anyone. Personally I think that’s mean and cruel and if I care that much about him – I want to treat him nicely. So finally one day I said that I want 100% of his time and not 10% and we broke up and I was SO upset that I was physically ill for 4 days ….. I couldn’t take it so we started seeing each other again. I didn’t mention how devastated I was to him. This same scenario happened 3 more times until finally I worked up the emotional strength to realize that I just had to accept that he’d never be mine. I was a complete mess….. anxiety attacks, everything. What I eventually realized is that the pain of losing him is terrible – yes it is – but believe it or not it’s actually less pain than wanting him and missing him and imagining him at home with his wife everyday, etc… etc… All that emotional pain just got unbearable to me. So yes – saying goodbye was horrible – but that’s a pain that dissipates little by little each day…… and you will eventually get over it. But the pain of being in a relationship with a man you love but can never have – that pain just gets worse and worse. So I had to choose which pain I wanted – and I chose the pain of heartbreak because I know that pain will eventually pass. My situation is extra difficult because I work with MM …… and have to communicate for work a few times a month. It’s terrible. Because of this I’m not sure I’ll ever get over him…… my heart still skips a beat when I see his name on email or talk to him. For you …… try to visualize him at home with his wife ….. talking, laughing, making dinner, watching tv, all that …… maybe having sex who knows …… all the things you wish you were doing with him right now ……. and let your anger or jealousy help you say NO MORE !!! You say you should have ran away – it’s never too late !!! Don’t let 10 months turn into 10 years – run now !!! If you want to send your email address we can talk that way too – I’m happy to support you. xxxx

      1. Hi Sabrina,

        Dont be embarrassed to say that you are married. Sometimes, we get ourselves into these situations and things happen for whatever reason.
        BTW -I am really glad I found this site and I must say it helps me out alot, even when I just read. A place where I can just write out whats on my mind etc.
        I talked about this situation to a couple of my friends and they were in shock.
        I guess I am the homewrecker, that poor wife etc. I do not want to hear it, its not like I planned this so I stopped talking to them about it.
        Not sure if you know, but I also met him at work. I guess my skills caught his attention. He would always stop by my office when he was onsite to visit. I always wondered why he would visit me every single time. I guess I know now. LOL
        My MM has kids. He never told me exactly that he would leave his wife but he did tell me he is stuck because of his kids. I am sorry but I am not buying this.
        If I was married and had kids and if I would fight with my husband all the time. I would packup and go fast. They seem to fight alot he says and they are not very close. He also said he has only been with 2 woman, his wife and me. I actually believe this. My MM is from a totally different culture and religion. Lots of things are tabu there and I am starting to believe thats why he is with me. Its a Phantasy.
        You are right, ghosting is not nice. I do not think I would do that, it is out of my character. I try to visualize him at home with his wife etc. Actually I have seen a picture of her, I leave it at that. I do not think they have a good relationship at home, she is always yelling at him, making him do chores etc.
        She really does sound like a really evil woman which is explains why he comes running to me. I give him whatever he does not get at home. Lift him up, compliment him etc.
        Here is my email:

      2. Hi
        I’d love support from here. It’s been 9 months — he ghosted me. I know it’s for the best. I believe he was narcissistic. I just have such a hard time letting go. It’s better but still painful. It was a year long relationship. It started with a lie that he was a caregiver to partner (common law) I was also in a 40 yr marriage which I left. His story gradually changed to him just being unhappy in with his partner. Butb worried about public image if he left. Then I found he had a previous GF along with me. I even accepted that humiliatingly enough. The ghosting kicked whatever esteem I had left.

        1. Hi Noelle! He ghosted you? my God I’m so sorry to hear that. I personally don’t approve of ghosting – since I wouldn’t want to be treated like that – I would never treat another human being like that. I understand how you must feel. Just the other day I heard a doctor on tv say …… if you’ve been treated very badly by another person – remember that’s all about them and is no reflection on you. Please tell me you didn’t leave your 40 yr marriage for MM? So he’s basically a liar and a cheat – he was clearly never good enough for you in the first place – so him vanishing is actually a blessing …… that you’ll see more clearly when the heartbreak fog lifts. What helped me – people say love yourself more than you loved him – and at first I thought that sounded like BS …… but it’s true – it actually helps !! silly as it sounds you can even google different ways to show self love. Sometimes when the Universe closes the ‘wrong’ doors for us we have to be just as grateful as when it opens the ‘right’ doors for us! Ask yourself what happiness (if any) did he bring to your life ….. and then create similar self fulfillment in other ways. Love yourself and stay strong – go NC – you can do this !! xx

        2. Hi Noelle. I know how excruciating it can be to let go of MM. I hung on for over a year, even tho he told me to my face he was interested in another MW! He had to blurt it out!

          After this, he had the nerve to ask why I didn’t want to keep texting him?? WTF? These men are awful and often you are not the only one they are seducing. It’s heart breaking. I was just his friend at first &
          I never intended for it to go beyond that, just a casual friend. However, because I didn’t have any other men around in my life & was lonely I got quite attached to him. Then he wanted to get physical & I couldn’t resist!

          What helped me finally ghost him was reading up on narcissist personality disorder. Guy I was dealing with fit the model exactly. I tried many no contact attempts which failed. He kept reaching out. I answered but never reached out to him.

          I eventually started acting really hot & cold with him, aka breadcrumbing. After several months of this, he got fed up & stopped all contact. I have no desire to reach out. The whole disengagement process took a LONG time! If he ever reaches out, I will ignore. I even deleted his ph #. I now focusing on my own life now.

          I hope you can get to this place one day!

  17. Hello Ladies,

    I hope you all are doing ok and are safe !
    I need some advice in the MM dept and will try to keep it short. As you all I am involved with a MM for the last 10 months that lives on the other coast.
    Not gonna get into details.. how much I adore him.. and that I think he is the greatest, I simply need to put these feelings aside tonight.
    Me and my MM talk daily and alot. Lately I feel like, at night.. I get bread crumbs and it is really starting to bother me. Like last night, no good night no nothing. Talked early in the evening and then he just vanishes for the night. I guess the wife is home, I get it. I think about it all night.. and wonder what he is doing, then I start crying and it is causing me sleep issues and it is emotionally draining me.
    This morning we talked and he acts like nothing happened. Ofcourse he knows I am upset and stressed over something and asks me what is wrong and I tell him I am stressed out over work, etc.
    I do not want to tell him what is really bothering me because I do not want to upset him or create friction.
    How do you all handle this when they vanish for the night ? Do you bring it up… or do you avoid it ? Maybe …… what I need to do is give him bread crumbs in exchange and start messaging less :(

    1. Hello O …….. only 10 months in and this is how you feel. Trust all of us here ……. these feelings of frustration, despair, loneliness, crying DO NOT get better ……. they continually get worse and worse until you just can’t take the emotional pain anymore. That’s what happened to me. I also adored MM believe me …… thought about him 24×7. But this isn’t at all like a normal relationship where you can express your true feelings and get emotional satisfaction. You can only communicate when he’s available and then only for the length of time he’s free ……. all the power is on his side of the relationship. You’ll tire of this quickly. What I’ve learned …… just because you adore someone and think they’re great, attractive, sexy all that …….doesn’t mean you have to make them your romantic partner. He is another woman’s husband and therefore unavailable to you. This is a hard pill to swallow ….. I cried for months. Practice acceptance……. pray for the strength to accept something that you are struggling to accept. Another thing I learned ….. after I stopped seeing him …I tried to mentally block him out, that doesn’t work ….. so I hold him lovingly in a little corner of my heart. I know he’ll never be mine which still chokes me up to say but I’m still glad I met him and treasure the memories. I hate to tell you this but the emotional pain and therefore the sleep issues will only get worse the longer this relationship goes on – trust me. And the longer you let it go on – the more you’ll fall in love and the more emotionally attached you’ll get and the more mental pain you’ll experience……. so by shutting it down now …. you’re saving yourself what could be literally years of grief. Sorry this is far more of a reply than you ask for …… I’m just trying to help. I got REALLY emotionally hurt/devastated and just trying to help someone else avoid the same. *Hugs* xx

    2. I experienced exactly the same thing as you.

      I’m sorry but it doesn’t get any better. MM strings you along, it’s all on his terms- when you talk or meet up. Side chicks like us lose all our personal power I’m afraid. He talks to you when it’s convenient for him.

      Sure you can breadcrumb him back but it’s all a game to them. It won’t change their behavior. You two will bat back and forth like ping pong balls. Nothing will change in this dynamic. He might even get a thrill from this game. I’ve been there, done that.

      For me this game went on for 2 yrs. Tiring and exhausting to say the least.

      You are a puppet on a string to him and a side distraction. Expect more of this behavior if you continue.

      I finally ghosted the jerk after looking at the big picture of things. While he gave me attention when I was feeling lonely and it felt exciting, ultimately he was a waste of my time.

      I’m now dating a single man who makes me an important part of his life. None of the MM BS.

      1. Dear Laura,

        I am so glad to hear that you ghosted your MM and congrats on your new relationship. How did you go about the ghosting ?
        Did you became MIA ? I tried it the other day but I failed. LOL. I uninstalled the app we use to chat but then I reinstalled it 30 minutes later.

        You said it right, I am a side distraction. He is busy with school and has alot of issues at home with the wife and I am the one that does things for him that he does not get at home. We are all just a phantasy to them – thats it !
        And yes, I do feel very lonely so when he messages me all this lovely stuff its very exciting to me and I feel so very loved. In reality these are just words and I think these MM are just writing this to string us along and to keep things going.

        1. Hi O. I was able to ghost MM after several long periods of NC. Each time before this either he or I made contact. He’s so flakey that things didn’t last long. Then back to NC. I think it was a game to him that he enjoyed. Likes to play with women’s emotions. Only he doesn’t have any. He’s a cold SOB.

          Now finally after 6 weeks we have both stopped. I have deleted his phone #. It’s about time! Unfortunately, I got caught up in feelings, while he was just having fun.

          You think they are really interested in you, but they’re not. It’s all about their ego and getting attention.

          It’s hard to quit. You deleted the app & re-added it. These men can be addictive. It’s not healthy for a woman whose looking for love. These fools are not worth a grain of salt of my time.

          I hope you can extract yourself from this man at some point. I’m sure the holidays are lonely and you don’t get what you want from these men.

          These guys need to be ghosted more often so that we can send the strong message that they are weak & cowardly. I would never want a man like this as a BF or husband.

          Take care. Hugs!

  18. So ladies. I’ve been in low contact with MM always him initiating contact never me. I called it a day finally last week cause it just seemed so pointless although he begged to stay friends.. anyway typical it was during this text exchange his wife spotted my text which he managed to delete & lie over but since then he’s not bothered which is fine cause I plan on going no contact but I have noticed he’s also not been online since at all. Not even once! (I know I shouldn’t be looking)
    I wonder now if he really is henpecked at home and under her thumb completely. Is she giving him grief? Should I find out? Why would he bend over backwards to accommodate her constantly.. this makes him such a weak coward in my eyes. Is this guilt playing it’s part cause he always told me he never felt guilt.
    It’s also made me realise he is probably happy I have called it a day whilst he keeps her sweet for now.
    Guess it’s a bit of a kick in the gut for me not fighting for me but then do I really want a man who is a complete fanny anyway! No wonder his wife has lost attraction for him.
    Anyone else experienced this? I understand they fight for their marriages but surely he should grow a slight back bone and can they honestly be happy in these situations?
    I never thought of him like this before he always came across as confident but now I honestly believe he is 100% henpecked by her.
    I Guess that’s not my problem though. Just wanted to rant about it.

    1. WOW! I thought I was the only one going through that. Yesterday, my mm called and I was very short with him, cut him off and then told him I was busy at work. Later, I felt bad about it so I sent him a text and apologized. Just said I had a lot on my mind and hand’t slept the night before. About 10 minutes later my phone rang, and it was HIS number. It wasn’t him, it was his wife! Apparently she was using his phone to activate the new phone she has just bought when my texts came in. She has called me several times in the past, but I thought I was scott free since I had a new number and phone.She screamed at me to stop contacting him and was starting in with the same bs she always says and I just hung up. Later, when he called me we talked about her calling. I told him I wasnt putting up with ANYMORE of her bs and was checking out. He called me several more times, and I just sat there and listened to him saying what he was gonna do to try and get out of trouble with her. I thought you pansy! Just tell her the truth! I then blocked his number and am cutting all contact with him.and you know what? IT FEELS GOOD!

  19. Hi ladies,

    I’ve posted on here before, but want to give an update. I saw my MM for 2 years- when we first met he was upfront about being married but said he wasn’t happy and was planning on leaving. I told him I wasn’t interested and to delete my number. He wouldn’t stop messaging me saying he wanted to be “friends.” I was 24 and naive, he was 30. The friendship grew into more and we became intimate. That’s when I was hooked, I fell really fast and was madly in love with him. But two years later and I finally walked away for good, after many failed attempts in the past. Ladies I’m here to tell you, they are NOT leaving. My MM wasted my time for 2 and half years, always saying he was leaving and it just wasn’t the “right time.” It will never be the right time for them. One time his wife became suspicious and he blocked me on everything with no explanation. Then when I got into a new relationship, came crawling back saying it took him losing me to another man to realize he was in love with me and wanted to marry me. Hard to marry someone when you’re already married! I broke off the other relationship to be with him, for the timing to never be right. He FINALLY told me a couple weeks ago that he doesn’t plan on leaving- he is more comfortable in his life than he thought. He doesn’t want to have to go through a bitter divorce, he doesn’t want to financially lose in a divorce, doesn’t want to have to explain to their family and friends, and doesn’t want to give up his house etc. I walked. I HATE this person. I hope someday that goes away and is indifferent, but one thing you should be aware of- in many cases these men are narcissistic and extremely manipulative. I tried getting out so many times and he would always guilt me and tell me what I wanted to hear. Also he gaslighted me throughout the entire relationship, anytime he did something very disrespectful hat upset me (like post photos of his wife like he’s all in love) and I would say I was done, he would turn it around on me and be like “what do you expect? You know I’m married! I’m allowed to post what I want to post.” In fact, he actually got her PREGNANT and when I walked away the first time, one of the last things he said to me was “well we had a plan to have two kids before you were even in the picture.” So all the talk of them being separated, having no relationship, was BS. Our relationship had been on and off, and was definitely off when that happened. But again I was brought back in and caught up in my “love” for him that I stayed. I can now tell you, listen to your gut. Get out when you can. I’m 26 now and seeing all my friends getting engaged and married, and I lost out on 2 years of my life I’ll never get back. I now know I was trauma bonded to him, and I lacked love for myself. Looking back now, he was nothing but disrespectful to me. It wasn’t love, not real love. I’m struggling a lot with moving on, but I at least know I’ll never go back to him. I feel so betrayed and used for him stringing me along all this time, and before people say “you knew what you were doing, you knew he was married”- put yourself in our shoes. These men lied to us, manipulated us, used our insecurities against us, all in the name of “love.” Before him, I had never been in that kind of love and for a long time believed I met my soulmate. But that was all the mental abuse blocking me seeing him for what he really is. I know I’ll get through this, I just wish I would have seen him for what he is a lot sooner. It would have saved a lot of heartache.

    1. Thank you for sharing your story, Anonymous09. I’m so glad you’ve come out the other side – keep going, as it’s only up from here. So much of your post resonated with me – the time wasted, the love bombing, the gaslighting and disrespect, the constant excuses for not leaving, the final admission that he never will – even dangling the carrot of wanting to marry us. They’re all the same. But it’s impossible to believe that when you’re in the affair fog, because you’re so completely convinced that they’re DIFFERENT. I also thought he was my soul mate, as our connection seemed so intense. Weird coincidences that made it seem like the universe wanted us to be together! Despite the gaslighting, my mm made me feel so special and wanted (and he came into my life after a traumatic event, so I guess I bonded to him all the more), so I ignored all the advice saying they’ll never leave their families. Truly believed he WANTED to leave but was just in a difficult situation. Later on I’d get so frustrated because it didn’t make sense – if you really want to leave, surely you would. People divorce all the time.
      But as you question it, the mm gets more defensive and more uncomfortable with the situation and starts to pull away. Which makes us feel needy and desperate to get back the “love” we thought we had.

      To this day, I don’t know if he MEANT to be so manipulative – if it was intentional or not. If he even wanted to leave her at all. But I’ve never cried over a man (or anyone) as much as I cried over this mm. My heart is healing but it’s slow progress. NC for 5 months and counting.

      1. Hi Alison – I hear your every word – all our stories are SO similar. I’ve wondered the same – did he mean to be so manipulative. I choose to believe that he got caught up in the excitement of the whole thing, same as I did. He would say things just to see me …… and say he wanted to leave his wife just to keep me waiting and hanging around. I choose to give him the benefit of the doubt just for my own mental health. My only issue now as I said above is that he’s always in my thoughts. My heart was completely shattered. After 5 months NC do you still think of him daily ? I don’t choose to …… it just seems involuntary. Sending hugs your way 🤗

        1. Hi Sabrina4. I feel you.. it is completely heart shattering and all-consuming. To answer your question – I do still think about him probably every day, but not in the same way. At first, my stomach would churn when ever I thought of him and I would then indulge in those thoughts and feelings. Remembering things he said, things we did, good and bad.. Always making myself feel worse and ruining entire days by ruminating nonstop. But NOW when he pops into my mind, it’s just a fleeting thought (most of the time) which passes and I go on about my day. Progress!! How far into NC are you?

      2. Hi Alison,

        Wow, thank you for commenting because it feels really reassuring knowing I’m not alone. It sounds like we had very similar experiences! One thing I’ve struggled a lot with is the guilt and shame of even getting involved with a MM. But honestly I thought he was my soulmate, when we met it felt like love at first sight. I really believed him when he said he was leaving, and that he had planned on leaving even before he met me. He would love bomb me like you said, gaslight me, manipulate me, and he ALWAYS pulled away if I got frustrated about the situation!!! I would want to talk about if he had a plan, what he thought timing wise, etc. and he would become so distant and abruptly end things-but would turn it on me for pressuring him so much. He made me feel so high one minute and so low the next. I knew it was a toxic relationship once I realized how easily he could affect my emotions and how he could always make me feel so bad about myself. I’m tearing up writing this because I still am in love with him-but I know it’s not the real him I’m in love with. I’m in love with the man I thought he was, and the life I created in my head for us. I think that’s the hardest part, accepting that the last 2 years was a lie-that what I felt and hoped for wasn’t reality at all. I know I’m better off and I plan on staying in NC. I’m definitely in the middle of feeling grief-it’s been about 3 weeks since we ended. But this time feels different-we’ve ended before so many times, but I know this time is permanent because I want better for myself. And because he admitted he never plans on leaving- it was the first time he’s ever said that. As much as it hurts, I don’t want to be with a man that doesn’t choose to be with me every day. I want to be with a man that can’t picture his life without me. One minute I’m so angry at him, the next I’m crying from missing him. I wonder all the time if he regrets it, if he is thinking about me, if he’s happy or if he’s having a hard time like me. I know none of that matters because I know I don’t want to be with him-I don’t want to be with the man he truly is. I’m still mourning though over the man I thought he was. It sucks. I know I’ll heal in time, and I at least feel at peace now because I don’t have the constant torment of the unknown with him. It just breaks my heart knowing I gave every piece of me to someone that wasn’t capable of loving me back the same. I feel really betrayed because I trusted him so much. I just know God has my back, and that this isn’t the relationship God wants me in-God wants me, just like he wants all of us, to have the absolute best and to be with a man that will never disrespect us the way these MM did. I just pray I can get to a place of indifference- where I don’t feel angry or sad, I just feel nothing about it.

        1. Indifference is the goal! You’re right at the start of this journey and will need to summon all of your strength and patience – but you WILL get there if you stick with NC. And keep checking in with this group – it’s been a wonderful support network for me, even just knowing we’re not alone. I still can’t get over how similar everyones story is. We think our situation is totally unique at the time, but I see now that’s not true at all. Our true soulmate wouldn’t be the same as every other cheat out there. Like you said, it’s a toxic relationship and we feel that we’re ‘meant to be’ because of all the highs they give us. But it’s pretend. The REAL him is the version you see towards the end – when things start to fall apart and he gets angry or irritated or distant. That’s how he would be in a relationship – not the love bombing sex God he appears to be at the start! My mm used to tell me he’s not romantic and not affectionate in relationships, and that he was worried I’d end up hating him.. I literally decided I knew better and would disagree, because he was SO loving and perfect at the start. But he was trying to tell me his true personality – I should have listened.

          You said you’re more at peace without the torment of not knowing – I totally feel the same. Eventually you stop expecting to hear from him, eventually you can go to places you never thought you’d be able to again without an emotional breakdown, eventually you wake up and he’s no longer the first thing you think of.

          What helped me a lot was to write down everything – I had a big list of times he hurt me and made me feel like trash (all the insensitive things he’s said and done, things I didn’t like about his personality or even his looks) and another big list of reasons to stay NC. It sounds a bit childish maybe, but it’s SO good to have it as a reference when you’re struggling. I added to the lists over time and they became a life saver.

          It hurts a lot to know we have to do all this while they seemingly move on without a second thought. But they’re broken and will stay broken. We’re fixing ourselves and things can only get better.

    2. Anon09 …….. forgive yourself – you’ve seen the light and are doing much better NOW …… and today forward is all that matters. I struggled as well to forgive myself because I’m also married. I haven’t seen MM in over 3 months, however I think of him daily. Sometimes I wonder if he’ll ever be out of my thoughts.
      We both need to work on loving ourselves. 😊 Hugs 🤗

      1. Sabrina4,

        I feel very thankful I found this blog-I’ve read it before during the times I contemplated leaving, but I’ve never commented on here until now. I’m glad I did, this is a great support system and it’s nice to know I’m not alone. You’re right, we need to work on loving ourselves :) I just bought a great new book so I’ll let you know how I like it when I finish it- it’s called “Love After Hearbreak” by Stephan Labossiere. I’ve found reading books about healing have been helping me some. At first I tried to not think about my MM and distract myself, but now I’m letting myself feel everything and work through it. I think in the long run that is how I’ll heal, by feeling what I need to to move on.

    3. ANONYMOUS09

      WOW, that sounds exactly word for word what I went through the only difference is she is too old to get pregnant,but otherwise, it was the same. He always lied that a plan was in place to leave, there was no plan, it was just a way to hold me off. He did get kicked out but it was not his choice and I suspect he begged to go back, because they value everything about their home life even if there are things they dont like which is why they get us to fill the void but we are like a dessert or an extra car. We do NOT mean as much to them and when the chips are down we find out the hard way.

    4. Wow reading this made me feel so bad for you I had to send a reply… what you have been through is mental torture espically all the lies and her getting pregnant that must of been awful for you. Please don’t beat yourself up over it! love is very impractical and you cant choose who it picks unfortunately.
      Just find the strength within you to know that you will love yourself more than any man ever can. Your happiness is more important and so is your mental heath. What this man did was cruel to you and his wife just be glad you’re not her because you get to walk away and be you and move on. You will one day find your true love and you will appreciate that person when you do. You don’t want to be in a vicious circle going around and around with no outcome it’s insanity for you. Take Care and take each day as it comes you’ll make it through the otherside

  20. Dear Mistresses,

    I am a betrayed wife who just snatched my husband out of the jaws of a mistress. I wanted to share with you what my husband did at home when the mistress came up.

    1. He got sloppy drunk and refused to leave when I told him to get out. He immediately wanted to talk. He asks to go to counseling, which I blow off. He begs for us to move to another city, another country, and I am intrigued, but say or do nothing.

    2. After I ignored him, he went back to the mistress for a few weeks. When we had a big blow up, he then booked a hotel to meet up with her while I was taking care of my mother with dementia.

    Note, I had my own stuff to deal with, so I was biding my time. Never forget – the wife knows this man better than you do.

    3. He comes back and tells me that he is leaving because he’s in love. Note – he’s been in love with me for 20 years – he’s hormonally addicted; I know what his “in love” is, and the mistress is being seriously shorted if she believes that he’s in love. His excuse is that he’s married, so he can’t do the same things. I calmly ask about the mistress, and he tells ALL of her business – the drunker he is, the more he tells.

    I cry, I tell him that we deserve a chance rather than the other woman. He asks again to go to counseling. I forewarned him that he will have to talk. Furthermore, he will be responsible for explaining to every family member what is going on and why we are separating.

    4. He sleeps with mistress, but does not tell her what is going on. I confront him about wasting my time, talking, texting, and obviously seeing her. Note, I have ALL of his passwords.

    5. Quarantine comes – we have tons of time – we talk and start resolving our issues, and we start counseling. The counselor asks him why he is taking the step if he still talks to mistress.

    6. We are having a great time – talking, playing, having sex multiple times a day. I finally blow up, draw the line, and leave. I explain that his time is up. He must make a choice. He begs and cries for me to come, and he will break up with her in front of me.

    I come home, he tries to stall, so I start packing my clothes to leave. He panics, tells me coronavirus is not safe. Please don’t leave him and the children. I tell him that I’m taking them with me.

    He sends her a ONE LINE text to announce that it is over. He blocks her on his phone and email. He puts his email on my phone. He then starts pouring his heart out and telling EVERY personal detail about the affair and answers EVERY question I ask – I have seen her nudes – every single one.

    5. I see her messages in spam – her emails are forwarded to me. He has never even looked at them. He says he doesn’t owe her anything – even after she claimed she was having a miscarriage. He says that she knew he was married and knew he never intended to fall in love with her. In less than 2 weeks, he doubts he was ever in love with her. He just enjoyed having new and exciting. According to him she is a bootleg version of me from when we first met (minus the kids, his jerk behavior – he never got up with one child mind you, and his sports obsession. He is extremely insecure, etc.).

    She sends love songs and pictures. I feel sorry for her.

    “Your” husbands most likely are not miserable. My husband was sending me streams of lovey dovey texts, making future plans, etc. We were going out, having fun, and planning vacations. He now apologizes profusely, talks about how important I am to his family and vice-versa). He’s spending every day trying to convince me to stay with him. He never meant it to get this far.

    Yesterday, I realized that he was playing this from the beginning to get my attention. He never intended on leaving.

    So, now I’m stuck with a man who I have to figure out whether to divorce or not. Counseling is going great. If we could have worked on this before all of this, we could have had it all, but this affair is a big fly in the soup.

    Before you seek empathy, realize what you are doing. You have put yourself in this situation. If the wife wants him, she will have him – you can’t overcome married love – too many shared, everyday experiences (you only know what he presents to you). If a wife let’s her husband go, beware – she’s not giving you a prize.

    1. We don’t actually want these MM. We know they have wives and families. We want the fun, the excitement, and escape from our own miserable marriages. MM are a distraction, that’s all. We are sorry for your pain. We will gladly give them back as it hurts us too to keep hanging on. You see we end up becoming a little too attached to all the drama. And going back to the emotional deafness of our own marriages. In the end we do give MM back. Healing ourselves is the goal but we aren’t quite ready, then we repeat the pattern.

      1. Annette, brilliant, I feel sorry for some of these women because they really take all this pride in the fact that these strayers want to come back to them when in reality they are often STILL lying, they are still cheating, they are still hanging on to the other woman, even if they have broken up with or have been dumped by the other woman they will eventually do it again. If we and they were smart we would never deal with them again, I won’t, I am done. They are NOT committed to their marriages they are committed to the stability and structure but it is like the wives have a big prize and they do not, they have a facade and even if they return can the trust return???

        1. Sad in Love. You are spot on that MM can rarely give up the comforts of the home they have built over many years. Wife and him may be good friends (or not) and not have the kind of sex & attn from their wives.

          Marriage is about the serious stuff – chores, kids, Bill’s etc. Life with the side woman is their excitement, fun and dessert. It’s a distraction.

          What flores me is how good these men lie to the OW about they will be leaving. Maybe in the moment they sometimes want to leave but they think on it long and hard. Afterwards their logic kicks in. Remember men are more logical, we are emotional.

          Unfortunately even after deciding in their minds they will stay put, they still keep leading on the OW because they always want their cake.

          My heart kept guiding me and I believed what I wanted to believe. It was all a fantasy.

          Waking up from the dream to realize how I was conned was devastating. Sometimes though it has to get really bad with MM over a long period of time before we finally committing wholeheartedly to healing.

    2. Dear Annoyonomus, I know this is HARD to hear and we as the ow know what I am going to say is true, YOU DONT Have them, you don’t and we don’t either, if you had HIM he would NOT have put his body parts in us or their life and time. Men who are deeply faithful and loving don’t do this, so yes, of course, they don’t want to lose their wives for all different sorts of reasons but you don’t have them either. They see marriage as stability, security, community opinion, ect but if their marriages were sacred to them they would not have done this, we dont want them either, this site is to help us recover from them. We understand totally the situation and have no delusions, but never think you have a prize you dont and the vast majority will do it again when the coast is clear, they will love bomb either us or another woman because whatever it is that led them to do this, its still there.

      1. Hi Sad in Love,You’re right.They will do that over and over again.I hope I finally have the courage,the strength to dump the guy after this quarantine.I have learned and realized a lot.Never my entire life I have in this situation.I never ever thought I fall for an MM because even in my dreams I wont but here I am.They say never said a last word that I wont do this ever like this like this.But here I am,even I stopped this previously,situation keeps on happening that led us to each other because weve known for each other 14yrs.We’re close friends.But now I have decides to dump him.

    3. AnonymousWife. Thank you for sharing your story I guess we are all victims and easily Manipulated by these men .My Ex Mm wife can have him and all the drama if anything I feel sorry for her because he will cheat again and when there is no trust the relationship will die slowly .I wish you the best of luck.

  21. Hi Ladies,I accidentally read your post here.Unfortunately,we’re on the same page right now.I also having a hard time right now due to this crisis just like you. I decided to dropped by a comment thinking that you can also give me an advice about a MM though this is not legally married to his wife/partner because the wife is legally married previously to other man.They are living in one roof for almost 19yrs and have a family on their own.This MM is my colleague for almost 14yrs,he’s even my close friend previously.Firstly because this MM is close to me we’re ok of having conversation everyday,we talked a lot everything and anything under the sun.But unfortunately,1yr ago,he confessed that he had feelings for me since then wayback since 2004,he stalked all my social media accounts wayback,we talked and text each other but previously its nothing for me because its only a colleague and a close friend.until I didnt realize I last year I fall for him because of constant conversation.I dont know what to do.We’ve been 9 months already,and even this quarantine,everyday he sent me messages but not a lot since hes at home with his family.He always checked on me how am I doing during this crisis,he even informing me hes not feeling well and until he’s ok.There are times that I miss him because befor this quarantine we talked alot by calling and messages and then suddenly like this.Just you ladies I have also the fear due to maybe he regain the feelings with his partner.Though I have no right to feel this way because in the first place I fall for this I continue this however,my heart is full of emotions.I want to end this relationship because I realized Im not happy with it.This crisis made me realize a lot. but how?Being with someone your Close Friend and Colleague for 14 yrs and then suddenly this crisis happened.Its hard for me to end.Please help me.Any advise ladies Pls.Thanks for your advice in advance.

    1. Anonymous17. There is no Happy Ending with this Guys. Sadly you are just gonna have to feel the pain of dealing a married man and maybe you can try N/C and delete all his info ? Which all is hard we survive off the breadcrumbs they give us just to keep us around in case they ever need us which is so sad.You read all these comments it’s all the same. And try not to go to bed with him it really keep you hanging on because we form bonds with these men .This may sound corny but just ask God to Remove him from your life and try to ignore his texts and phone calls set some boundaries if you can . Best of luck !

      1. Hi Tricia,Thank you for your advice.I really appreciate it.Honestly I already ask God to remove him from my life everyday.Everyday I pray to God that I have the guts to tell him that its over.But how can I do that when we’re colleagues?We have even on the same projects.I guess I need to do this step by step.

        1. Anonymous17. You don’t tell him it’s over you just keep it professional at work and when he want more you give him the cold shoulder and never be alone with him keep it moving. Hugs P.S I know personal dealing with someone you had relationship with and keep it strictly business is hard I’m doing it too we don’t talk anymore other then Hi and bye it’s been over a yr now but I would be lying if I told you I don’t care about him but it’s over now.

      2. Hi Tricia.

        You are so right about how we become bonded to MM after sex. I said to myself “Oh I can just think of this as casual thing, no problem”. I had even convinced myself none of it mattered, I’m a big girl. Wrong! Men can somehow turn off the emotions or just remain detached throughout sex. For them it’s about sensation & exploration. I always used to wonder how my MM remained so stoic all the time. I could never read him at all. I just assumed he felt all lovey dovey like I did. The fact of the matter is (unless they are in love with OW and it can happen), they can act pretty cold after sex. Here I was in my fantasy land thinking oh he’s so into me. Rather, he was into my body, that’s all folks. On my case his sex skills were nothing spectacular. He basically laid there wanting me to please him. Free prostitute. Yuk. Keep your heads high ladies! In some cases, we are free hookers to these creeps!

    2. Dear ANONYMOUS17,

      Its not easy ending this relationship especially since you been friends for so long.
      I am going thru similar things and my advice to you is to read thru all these posts here. It will keep you very busy and it will also open your eyes.
      Shut that ringer of on your phone and dont check your phone. Start messaging a little less, you need to wean off and when he does message, message back 5 hours later and be brief :)

      Keep your head up high, adjust that crown….. you can do this !!!! ( thats what I tell myself everyday )

      1. Thank you O.I appreciate your advice.Actually Im starting to read all these message and it slowly opening my eyes and I feel my feeling for this guy is slowly changed.Actually I never started to text him since from the beginning even we’re friends.I only texted him previously about work.I will get your advice not to replied back easily.I can do this.Goodluck also to you.

  22. Dear Ladies,
    Seems like that we are in the same boat and that I came to the right place.
    I read thru some of the posts and comments and I am hoping that I can use them as guidance and tips to deal with my own situation more easy because it is currently stressing me out and eating me alive.
    I am also dating a MM for the last 10 months who lives on the west coast and travels to the east coast for business. We had met at my former job and none of this was planned and after I left my job.. we met when he was in town and things started to spin out of control.
    I did not know he was married. Well, I was questioning it but our passion runs so deep that I completely avoided the question all together. He told me 2 months after.
    This is now turning into a monthly thing and hot and steamy messages when he is back home. We talk in a hidden chat so there is no way she will ever find out.
    In the beginning I was not thinking anything of it but now as time moves on, it starts to bug me a little. He is claiming I am only his second woman he had in life besides his wife and he is experiencing things he never has before. Trust me ladies. I believe it. LOL
    Its now April and I have not seen him since January. In Feb he got busy and now the corona virus. We still talk every day but for the last couple of weeks our conversations are more non passionate no heart emojis etc I know this sounds silly .. but I feel like I am making a moron out of myself and I promised myself I am gonna stop messaging less. Why do I care and adore this man so much so much ? I see his name pop up on my phone and all I see and get is butterflies. Sometimes I really wish I would have never met him. In the beginning it was easy, I avoided the thought that he is married but now I have feelings for him and I am getting attached so it is getting more difficult. I try to stop messaging less but it is so difficult and then when I do not hear from him for 4 hours I freak out. Maybe what I need to do is vanish ?
    How do you all handle this ?

    1. I know how you feel, been there done that as they say and I can tell you the LONGER you are involved with them the deeper it gets and its harder to extricate yourself from them. My advice is to try to wean off of him, while this CV is horrible, it can be a good time to end things because we are all forced to be quarantined. My feeling is that 99 percent of them are never going to leave their wives, some may get kicked out but they are wanting to return to them. We are just like a treat not the meal. My mm actually would call me a treat as if it was something I should like, it wasn’t. It was basically saying you are not the main meal, you are like a piece of cake. I would gradually ease off, when he texts keep it really short and get involved in a movie or something like that. Remember the longer it goes the worse it will be.

      1. Yes, thats what I need to do, I need to wean myself off him. I know yesterday I said I will just vanish but that is easier said then done. Maybe once I get stronger but not at this point. For now, I need to KEEP busy. Last Night I came here and read a bunch of replies which helped me alot. I was on here for about 2 hours, made me forget about my own situation, I was not upset etc and then I just fell asleep. Ofcourse I did not wish the MM Good night.. so I woke up to a bunch of messsages this am. Baby… my love blabla.
        I know, my MM will never leave his wife ever. He is from another culture/religion and I do not even think it would be allowed to leave her.
        He makes it sound she is such a mean woman and that she makes him cry and upset but I do not know if I fully believe that.
        The key is to keep busy. I cannot be sitting here checking that phone every 10 minutes, it makes me go nuts. I see a pattern anyway, seems like at night the messages get slower… kids go to bed etc..
        Ohhh forgot to mention my MM also did not tell me that he has kids. Once again I suspected it but was unsure and wanted to avoid questions.
        He posted a profile pic on whatsup of the entire family last fall.. they all seemed pretty happy to me ! I did not say anything but he finally told me last February and I just replied, I already know anyway.

        1. The big thing I see from reading all the ladies and of course my experience is they all lie a LOT to everyone. I used to want to be with my MM all the time, had a big fantasy life and then I thought about it, first of all, it is not going to happen, but second even in the very small chance it did, I could never feel comfortable with him because he tells lies all the time and yes I participated in it which makes me not a very good person either but the point is they trade in deception. If they were so miserable why didn’t they get counseling for their marriages and if it did not work why didn’t they get a divorce. They did not because I think most are narracists and they want their cake and eat it too, they like the respectability of home, they like the perks of home but they like having an affair and of course they will not sacrifice the family to an affair, they dont care if we get hurt or their families get hurt either, I know if I ever meet a man and hes mm I will run not walk away. It only ends in pain if you fall in love with them and they are really good at sending the love bombs.

    2. He didn’t tell you he was married? How convenient. Mine also neglected to mention it but I felt something off Did you? Anyway, he admitted so but was staying for the kids. Sure. I think he’s in a nice comfy situation at home, being fed, house cleaned, chores done by wife, kids on hand, etc. Just a bit bored of the routine. Says he JUST wants a friend. Right, sure hon. I’ve never had a man be so interested in me as a friend before. They are so keen on you out of the blue, before you’ve even earned their friendship. Red flag!!

      MM has problems in bed, cannot keep erection for more tha 2 min. How disappointing, after all his charm and complimenting. He wants help in the bedroom. WTF? Excuse me. I think you better hire a prostitute for this. He was insulted and said I cheapened his image?

      I know his wife from our church. We are acquainted casually. I was so freaking mad that I told her that Josh was hitting on me. She was shocked.

      Anyway I haven’t seen or heard from him since. He hasn’t been to church these days. Wonder why?

      These MM are predators and will selfishly waste your time. Dont give any of them the time of day with a so-called friendship. It’s all BS.

      1. Well, we sorta were “friends” before this all went down.
        I should not say friends, what I mean is, when he came to visit his customers on the east coast and when it was his day to stop by my company he would always stop by my office to say hi. That went on for months before I left my job. I do not know why he always stopped by to say hi, could be because I know alot of people and inside gossip and perhaps it was a way to get business info that benefits his company.
        When I left my job thats when things went down to the bedroom and unfortunately this MM knows everyone, even at my new job. It is the nature of the work that I do.
        Yes it took him 2 months to tell me he was married. He sent me a message at 2 am in the morning telling me that it was eating him alive and that he was married. I was not upset anyway since I was suspecting that he perhaps is.
        I dont think he really planned all this … it just happened. He tells me I am his second woman in life and he is experiencing alot of things he has never done before.
        To be honest, I believe it ( I can tell lol ) and in his culture alot of things are tabu and the woman dont do certain things and it is considered dirty. So ofcourse he is having a field trip with me.
        For now, I am gonna try to distance myself a bit and stop texting less. I think that really is the key. I do not want him to think that I sit here next to my phone waiting for his messages. I mean I sorta do… which is why I need to keep busy so I can back of a little and hopefully once I will feel better, I will run for the hills.
        He is been acting weird anyway .. issues with his wife he says.. but I am not sure if I believe that.

        1. You gotta be careful and a bit suspicious before things start, when MM seem so keen to be your friend. Or they may be over eager to help you with something- like fixing a broken pipe – or offer (when you didn’t ask) to pull out weeds in your garden, or built an extra room in your basement. You will feel SO grateful for all he’s done. Why wouldn’t any woman want to be his friend after this? It’s great to have a man around the house for this stuff. If it’s a family friend you’ve known for years, it’s probably ok.

          I know someone else who got suckered in this way. MM was in hardware store and my friend was approached by him in the aisle out of the blue. Go figure. He offered up his phone # and was super helpful. She called when the sink overflowed, from there he saw other opportunities for things to be done in her house. She was grateful. He came over regularly. Hadn’t mentioned he was married BTW either or talked about his personal life. This contined and he started hanging around to chat after work was done. She invited him to dinner to show appreciation. He took her and her 2 kids to park, drove her to Dr, etc.

          After 2 months, he started getting quite personal and encouraged her to talk about her failed marriage. After she let down her guard, he started kissing her & insisting they have sex regularly. Unfortunately she fell for him.

          Things blew up when she got a call from his wife asking who she was as she was concerned about his absences. He also mentioned my friend’s name a few times.

          Anyway you can guess what transpired next. She was devastated. He still kept trying to call her. She also thinks she saw him lurking outside on her lawn a few times, as there was a shadow of a man standing there.

          Please don’t become friends with MM if they seem too eager to be your pal all of a sudden. Often there is a hidden agenda.

  23. I ended an affair with a man last week who has been with his partner for 18 years.I’ve met him online a cheating website July 2018. He has been honest to me at first he told me he has got a partner and he don’t want to change his situation but still I continue seeing him. He has been telling me that he is unhappy at home, that the partner is always busy with work and no time for him and also telling me the partner is also having an affair and there is no physical contact anymore. We are seeing each other when the partner travels for work sometimes twice a month. I fell in love with him and he also fell in love with me.Our bond was special.Sometimes he will rent an apartment for us and I’ll do look after him and cook for him as real wife.Things get serious between me and him.But also we broke up 3 times and get back together because I think our love for each other was so deep. I started to feel jealous, I started to want him everyday and stay with me instead of going home. We broke up last November for the third time but get back together this January 2020. We were very happy and things going smooth for both of us.But not until this Pandemic came.I get crazy thinking of them staying at home together.The partner got ill last month suspected it was Coronavirus. He looked after her I was very jealous my heart was dying. I was very happy when they separate rooms.But last week of March one night he told me he has to sleep in the same room again.That night I didn’t sleep at all thinking about what he told me.If there is no physical contact anymore why does he has to go back in the same room again.I don’t really understand.I’ve reached the point that I have to make a big decision a decision that will change our lives and its for the best for both of us.I break up with him last week.It was a tough decision I made. I wasn’t easy my heart was broken into pieces. I miss him, I miss our conversations.I miss his touch. I was really hurt that he made a choice to stay with the partner.Please I need an advise. How to move on and totally forget him.Thank you for reading this.

  24. MM saying over last months things slowly getting better at home? Does this mean he’s subtly telling me he’s going to dump me?

    Also all of a sudden he mentions helping female friends with gardening or driving another one and her kids to the pool.

    Not sure what’s going on. We have been seeing each other for 6 months and he said he was waiting for his daughter to move out on her own. She will graduate this summer and has a boyfriend so I think this will actually happen.

    I’m also getting some excuses like his wife will be home off work for 2 wks so he wont be able to get away!

    All this is out of the blue and freaking me out! Have any of your MM said these things to you? If so is any of this anything I should be worried about??

    1. its been 10 months and I have heard every excuse under the sun from him. He calls meat all hours of the night just to tell me how MUCH he misses me and loves me and how what he said in our last conversation he was under DURESS because she MADE him say that. got another one of those tonight. He got busted once again! I do lOVE him more than anything BUT myself. i know I will get a phone call from HER once AGAIN tonight. Theres a lot going on, BUT I respect myself a lot more than my love for him. I was suppiosed to have him have some more STOLEN MOMENTS with him on Friday, but I am gonna be busy!

  25. I have a feeling MM may be trying to end our affair. He is saying things have been slowing getting better at home over the last month. Has anyone had MM say this to you? Is it supposed to mean he no longer wants me?

    He’s making a few more excuses too like wife will be home for 2 wks off work so he won’t be able to get away as much. Or he is helping a friend tonight and it will take until 9pm. Another one is he will be busy with family all weekend.

    He’s also mentioning female friends here and there, helping them with gardening or driving her and kids to rec center for swimming.

    I’m not sure if I’m being paranoid or not! He still says I live you a lot. But suddenly mentioning things getting better at home and other female friends?

    I’m going a bit ballistic!

    1. He’s managing down your expectations. This happens months after the love bombing stage.
      I’m afraid this is the beginning of the end or at least he is starting to manage you down to become low on his list of priorities to the point where you’ll just be on the shelf for when he wants/needs you.
      If you want to reverse this or at least try to stop it happening you need to disappear on him, be more aloof,
      Don’t reply to his messages, mention other blokes names etc and start making HIM worried.
      Yes it’s one big game but a game you will lose if you’re not careful. I’m sorry to say this but Trust me. I’m speaking from experience. They all know how to play us and they know exactly what they are doing we just fail to see it until it’s too late and end up heartbroken.
      Sending big hugs.

      1. Thanks Hayley for the reply. I knew something felt off. After tons of attention then suddenly he’s too busy or things better with wife? Is this a lie he was telling, about the wife? Are they just looking for someone new as he’s tired of me?

        I’m grateful for the advice! I will start distancing immediately and not be available. I’m so angry that I want to play him now too! What a creep. It means he doesn’t care. I am so hurt and disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be sucked into his charm. What a waste of my time too!

        Hugs to you too!

        1. Sharon – hope I didn’t upset you with my comment but I’ve done enough research on the subject to spot this a mile off. It makes me so mad. First the love bombing, then managing down our expectations to the final discard. I’m not saying that is what is happening but it sounds like it maybe so just play your cards right.
          My MM never final discarded me he’s still hanging around in the background incase he needs me one rainy day!! Idiot! I don’t initiate anything nowadays. He told me he was stuck with his wife for 3 years due to financial difficulties and guess what after 3 years his marriage suddenly became happy! So yes do not trust anything they tell you.. ever. They are good liars no matter how wonderful you think he may be. They never leave or only a tiny 4% do!! So Us ladies need to stay strong and remember we are the prize not the other way around.
          He won’t replace you and if he does he won’t find it easy not many women will go near a MM in general plus remember even if he does she won’t be anywhere near as good as you.
          Show him that you’ve not even noticed, don’t ask just pull back and show you don’t really care and watch what happens the last thing to do is to come across needy now. Don’t message him for a while I know it’s hard but trust me and when he cancels any plans just reply ‘no worries’. Pull back completely.
          He probably doesn’t deserve you anyway! Big hugs.

          1. Hi Hayley. Thanks for the support. Your MM suddenly happy again? This takes the cake and what an insult to you! Hanging around in the background until he needs you like some toy to play with sounds awful. I hope he doesn’t pop up too often.

            Do you answer his texts or ignore them? So far I ignored my MM twice when he texted, which were the usual “check ins” to ensure I am still here. These texts are ridiculous and in no way enquire about how I actually am doing as a person.

            I am starting to see the light of day here. Breadcrumb types of communication galore. They are certainly not signs of a man who really cares. MIA on valentine’s day too.

            I’m telling you, in the beginning he had me believing that he wanted me so badly, I’m perfect for him and what a soul connection we had! I’m afraid to admit I was duped. All I want to do is bury my head in a pillow and scream!

            Well no more BS from him. I am very concerned about the other victims he is grooming. I feel a huge duty to warn them!


          2. Sharon – yes I get the ‘check in texts’ too and this is exactly what they are.. checking to see if we still give them the time of day for when / if they are ready for us again.
            I reply sometimes.. I find if I ignore him eventually (it takes while) but he starts to freak out and blows up my phone. After the anger and wanting revenge passed I slowly weaned myself off him by turning my energy onto myself so I just roll my eyes to his texts now.. they actually bore me, he bores me now yet I haven’t the strength to block him completely yet. I don’t even know why he bothers anymore.. haha
            And yes I was told ‘we are so compatible’ blar blar blar in the beginning.. it’s like I was conned by a conman. I just feel so sorry for their wives now they can pretend they are happy and maybe they are but we both know it won’t last long! They are honestly all the same. Don’t beat yourself up.. just don’t let him control the situation on his terms. Set your boundaries or get out of there first. Men respond more to silence.
            Stay strong.

          3. Actually, many women do pursue married men – that’s why there are so many mistresses. You have no leverage over the husband. He doesn’t even need to replace you; he just has to focus on his wife. A mistress trying to hold on is a burden and speeding up her demise. You will be blamed when the wife confronts him, or he’ll get pissed you are pressuring him.

          4. AnonymousWife – I am so sorry for what you are going through but I disagree on that some women seek out married men.. I find this very hard to believe! These men are master manipulators & liars & come to us in the first place for a reason no matter what he tells you & whilst it is not your fault neither is it ours. They HURT us too. Please do not blame the Other Woman like most Wives do. This is on him all of it. Yes we may have known he was married but we are told all the lies from day one. None of us on here want to be in this situation and neither are we proud of it but we get sucked in over a period of time.. we also know they will never leave off their own backs hence why we come here to help and support each other.
            Believe me when I say this, we are just like you, probably a really lovely person who doesn’t deserve this & one day it could happen to you.. you could be the Other woman cause trust me when I say this it can happen to anyone, never thought I’d be in this situation (albeit I’m almost out of it) I’m a very intelligent hard working mother of twins.
            We’ve cried many tears over these MM. They know exactly what they are doing.. and they are only sorry when they are caught. They lie to you & they lie to us! These men do not deserve either of us..
            just trust that we never ever wanted to be in this situation, who would even want that for themselves? Think about it.
            I’m sure he’s laying it on thick with you, I’m sure he’s sorry but he’s sorry he’s been caught out & trust me when the dust settles at home it will happen again.
            My advise would be to get well rid.. and NOT because we want him necessarily, maybe she does but because he is a cheating ass clown & if she ends up with him which I very much doubt then she’s welcome to him.. cause these men have zero integrity and I’ve started to realise I wouldnt want my MM if he was the last man on earth now.
            I’m not defending us women but we are HURTING too hence why we come on here to vent and help eachother.
            I wish you all the best and you’re a better person than me if you can forgive him seeing it from the other side. He does not deserve you & probably doesn’t deserve the other woman either. He deserves no one. Please dont be too hard on her, she was just vulnerable like most women are & sucked in by an ‘apparently unhappy married man’ and trust me… this is what he will have told her, true or not !
            I wish you all the best but we hurt too.
            And I’m glad he’s been caught out cause these cheating men turn my stomach now. I’m just sorry for my part in things but we live and learn.

          5. Hayley such a good response. I too NEVER thought I would be involved with a mm. I was always judgemental about men and women who cheated. The one I was with is/was a SUPER good con artist, very good and master manipulator. He told me that they had been to counseling repeatedly and it did not work, there was no real marriage it was just in name only once the sale of the property occurred it was over, clearly, I thought that they were on the verge of divorce when I got involved with him, of course, I found out much later that it was ALL A LIE. No verge of divorce, he cried and begged her not to leave said he would do anything to keep her, got a tracker went to therapy. Guess what, he ONLY told her this to get her off his back and we were seeing each other all through his marriage counseling, tracking, everything even on their marriage rehabs he would call me and say he was dying to see me and could not wait to get back so we could be together in every way he got at least ten different phones. He lied to her and me continously. Here is the thing, I finally had enough and broke up with him, I am ashamed of myself. The point is despite whatever they say, you cannot believe them. The wives really need to get DIVORCES immediately and we need to seek the Lord to help us never do this again. You are right its all on them and its not to absolve us but that is why we are here to seek support and give support.

          6. Hi Hayley,such a good response.I too NEver ever thought that to be involve in MM.Even in my dreams.10 yrs ago my ex BF cheated on me.I emailed the girl.I gave a second chance to that ex bf but after a month I have decided to dumped him.During this 10 yrs I dont have relationship at all then this MM arrived.I even stopped him so he never came back.After 2 yrs MM asking me again I stopped him again but this MM pursue me for 1 yr and sometimes circumstances or destiny lead us to each other.I don’t know why.Honestly,I’ve control myself for years,months because I am not into MM but one day I never thought in my dreams I fall for all the lies of this MM.Thats why I came here to read those ladies messages because I want to dump him also.Not all woman pursue an MM.Its just that man, even you stopped them if he wants you he will do everything just to fall for him even for years.

          7. ANONYMOUS17, I agree ! Excellent response Hayley.

            I also never went looking for a MM. Heck, I was single ( and still am ) for 18 months, concentrating on my job etc and here comes the MM trying to charm me.
            These MM play everyone, their wife at home and they also play us.
            They seem to be living in some sort of Fantasy Land and since they cant get what they want at home they go get it elsewhere.

      2. Written for me. Your words are so exact it’s scary. I dumped him even though I still love him. I do feel better I was strong enough to dump him before he dumped me. Some consolation.

        1. Holly, I did the same thing I dumped him, so I felt okay knowing I did ended the relationship not him, its a nice feeling.

  26. Hi ladies. I read you guys post and it’s all about missing your Married Man and how quarantine got you down . Ladies instead of dwelling on him and what he doing this is the perfect time for us focus on ourselves and how wonderful you [ A good friend a mother a daughter,sister a auntie etc… These men was not gonna ever be our future God has so much good thing’s for us we may not see it now . A married man doesn’t feed our souls any good that why we feel so bad .Ladies look in the mirror and say a least 3 good thing’s about yourself ! And pamper yourself ! Read a good book, binge watch Nefix and Hulu .Me and my M.M been off over a year now and it seem like a lifetime ago ! And really I don’t think about him much like I use too and I hope you guys get there too. Remember life is Good and All this too shall Pass .Take Care of yourself guys !!

    1. Thanks Tricia and everyone who posted. I was doing good before quarantine and honestly I don’t think of him much even now but when I have I just feel so stupid. Like how could I have fallen for that and wasted so much time. Not productive thoughts I know but just being real. I’m shut in the house without anyone else other than my daughter, I love my spending time with my daughter but being isolated is stressful. Keeping busy has always been a saving grace for me. Ready for this serious feeling of Groundhog Day to end. Hugs to all the ladies here and let’s get through this together.

      1. Hi’Anna . The quarantine I think is getting to everybody I have a teenage son and we been playing around the house . Anyway what finally made me get over my married man is the rumors he been with other women before and probably after me too ? I denied everything but looking back on everything I believe he as took advantage of several women I thought I was special he showed me wrong .Plus I never got over him ghosting me but I think he Mr.Love them and leave them when thing’s get to hot!! I felt stupid and used ! That’s why he told me [ I did’t think I owned you NOTHING ? ] And really he don’t because I was the other woman and easily dispose of. When the affair end we all start seeing their true colors and seeing what we thought we had with them we really didn’t it’s all one sided and the Good Sex Is Just Lust and it’s a powerful bond that keep you in the affair fog .Sadly I still talk to my Ex Mm of business only I really have lost all respect for him I really thought he was Mr. Wonderful boy Did he show me !! Anna by you never reaching out to him you still have your dignity pride left because you didn’t get the opportunity to cry or have him thinking you want the Affair back and have him being indifferent towards you and that would really hurt . Keep the Fond Memories . You doing just fine. And Hayley you give Good advice girl !!

  27. Anna – seriously be thankful that he hasn’t reached out you’ll only end up back on the rollercoaster. I didn’t speak to MM for a few years he reached out and doom straight back in it. It’s easier when they don’t contact us. Trust me.

  28. This quarantine has triggered a lot of thinking about mm. Even though we went NC a year ago this month. Him not reaching out to me during such a scary time has shown me this was truly not the forever love he claimed it was. He always said he would always love me, no matter what. Well actions speak louder than words. There is just no excuse for not sending that message to see how I’m doing. I wish I had not wasted so much of my life on a person who truly did not care about me.

    1. Anna,
      Thank him for not reaching out else ONE year of suffering and moving on will throw you down the drain, again and worse, after the longest nc.

      If he appears, say hello and hope you are ok, what will you do? How will u feel? Better? Happier? No, you’ll feel drained and defeated.

      You’ve let go and moved on, don’t get suck back.


    2. In line to what I recently posted. Their ACTIONS show what we really mean to MM. Let this be the positive thing that comes out of this crisis situation. This is NOT love. Let them go.

    3. Anna I’m so sorry you are hurting!! I think we all are during this time. It is scary of what the future holds and we are hoping they would reach out to us during this time after everything they have said in the past. It’s been 7 months of nc for me. I feel your pain. I try to tell myself he’s not part of my life anymore so why should he get to know how I’m doing. I don’t have the answers but I know what your feeling. I’m still struggling too. Like someone else had said on here this should be a wake up call that they are with the wives and kids and not with us during this difficult time.

  29. We women have to get tough. We have to take a page out of our uncaring MM’s book. We are too weak and too emotional which is unfortunately the way we are designed. The only way to survive this hurt is to become more like them and apply it to our current situation. Why should we grieve over these men that clearly don’t love or care about us. They are so not worth our tears.

  30. Hi everyone,
    I hope you all staying safe during these hard times. I have been visiting this site since 2018 as i have been struggling like everyone here to let go an attached man. i started seeing mine in 2017 and its the worst thing that ever happened to me. i fell head over heels in love with him while he never did. it was always a rollercoaster of emotions and my anxiety was always over the roof. clearly i wasn’t happy. His wife came to know about it and she was sad and stressed. clearly she wasn’t happy either. The mm was stressed most of the time because the women in his life were not happy and he didn’t want to let any of them go.clearly,no one was happy. i really struggled to let go and i broke up with him several times before only to get back together. i used to cry myself to sleep because he was never available despite him not wanting to let me go.Towards the end of Jan this year, i went to see a male friend over the weekend and we had so much fun. someone happened to spot us and told my mm. He became so furious and accused me of cheating on him.i met this friend long before i met my mm but it was only frienship… my mm shut me out completely and won’t listen… i finally got tired too and cut him off. its now 3 weeks of no contact. i am stronger than I expected. i have not cried even a single day like i used to and my anxiety is under control.i love him with everything that i am and i miss him alot but i am done! my friend and this site has been my support system.Thank you all for your stories and i hope you all find the courage to walk away from what is not love. This is the point where you chose happiness over love, forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

    1. Your words were great! You said so many eloquent words! We should all make a list of great phrases to refer to in sad or weak moments!

    2. my mm has moved in and out for the past 9 months. Due to this coronavirus he is off work and I start a new job at a hospital on Monday. We have been sneaking around for the past week. Every stolen moment i get keeps me going until the next one. Well he JUST called and said he thinks we have been busted AGIN! He will call me and let me know whats going on, I truly do LOVE LOVE LOVE this man but I feel like this is a omg dont make me homeless! I dont even care about the sex. We have such enjoyable lay around do nothing time no sex. I have caught him in lies but only to protect US! She has called and threatened me,I even asked him point blank tody so ARE you cheating on her with me? or ARE you cheating on ME with her. The answer is too be continued

      1. Hi ladies, Its been a while since I have been here. My story is I have been involved with an mm for almost three years, his wife has caught us numerous times and we have at times considered calling everything off. OK, so she kicked him out three months ago and it was all good for a while, but he was in the process of building a house and its a super long story but he ran out of money, she has money or soon to becoming and he needs it so he says to finish the house, he claims when that’s all done it will be me and him which I do not believe. Anyhoo, he has been lying to her telling her that he is not seeing me but of course he has, well she found out that he was lying and threw his clothes out. So, as it stands now, he is planning on seeing if he can move back in there and stay in the shop supposedly so she will give him the money. Here is where I am. I told him I am not going back to how it was when he lived there before. If he goes back I am not only ending the relationship but I am relocating. Why am I telling all of you ladies this, because there is NOOOOOO future with these guys its not. Yes there are the few and inbetween but the vast majority either will return to their wives if they can or they wont leave. I will never ever ever get involved with a mm. The pain is real and its searing. When this virus is behind us I am moving so I am not tempted to get back with him. I have to make a clean break. Oh by the way, if he returns he wants to still see me. So, these wives should know too they still have not changed,

  31. For those of us struggling with NC like myself let’s use this time to put a stop to this once and for all. This is God’s will forcing us all to do NC with these men and rid us of the toxic demons in our life. That’s the way I’m looking at it anyway.
    Nothing like forced NC to make you wake up and realise he is with his wife and NOT with you in these difficult times and she is who he is worried about right now.

  32. Things with my MM ended a bit bitter and I regret that. He became more and more indifferent and uncaring towards me, just using me and discarding him at his whim. I found it very hurtful but he wouldn’t let me talk about it with him, when it all built up and I got upset he didn’t want to know and didn’t care. We’ve had no contact for over 3 months now. I think about him all the time. I really miss him. There is so much I want to discuss with him, not at all in the hope of rekindling or being nasty to him, but simply to try and have an open talk and resolve things a bit.

    The trouble with these men is that they don’t have feelings or emotions, so they can take it or leave it so easily. They’ll take it as long as its on their terms and it doesn’t cause them any trouble, but there is no emotional attachment on their end. As soon, as we want a bit more from them or step outside our box then they don’t want it and can just cut off so easily. If there is any consolation to have i think it reflects their psychological make up- they have little emotion and empathy and this applies to everything, not just us, but also their wives. We on the other hand are all emotional and have a lot of emotion to give and receive so we will always be a mis match. Just think, in a hypothetical situation, if we did get together with our MM they would drain us of all our emotions but not be able to reciprocate it and we will always feel unloved and unfulfilled by them.

    1. I miss him so much right now. No contact for about seven weeks. This is the third time it ended. I see him as so much more than he really is.

    2. I can resonate strongly with you
      in feeling hurt how MM can be so easily detached after spending so much intimate time with us. I wonder at times if they are just good actors & it’s all fake.

      After my MM spent a lot of intimate time with me, it appeared he had feelings and loved me. Saying I cant let you go, miss you, etc. But after this he would disappear for a couple of weeks, then pop up again out of the blue. It was a regular pattern.

      I can’t see how any human being could not experience some emotions when they merge their bodies with another and share warmth and caring. Possibly the MM disappears in order to turn off those feelings and detach. Because they know it’s not a long term situation in their eyes.

      At one point my MM started keeping me at arm’s length and I think it was for this reason. He wouldn’t see me anymore yet definitely wanted to text often or occasionally talk on the phone. In this way, they keep their feelings at bay. But they don’t want to let you go completely either. It’s cruel. Because we have such a strong bond with MM we allow them to manage down our expectations. Most of the time it works and they continue to linger around on the outskirts of our lives. It’s hard to let those crumbs of his attention and time go as we’ve invested so much. It’s even worse if we are alone with no other options.

      I refused to be managed down and stopped communicating with him. He wasnt happy about it and tried to manipulate my emotions. Sob stories galore were his most common techniques.

      I really do think most MM experience the emotions for us. They effectively do things to turn them off because they must. We are not who they really want to be with – it’s their wives. We fill the 20% they are not getting at home. Usually the sex. They dont want to love us in the end, it’s not about love for them. For us it absolutely is.

      There we have it – two people with vastly different agendas. Who gets hurt? You got it – the mistress.

      For me, after a long experience with sadness, grief, anger and resentment – I was able to let it go. You realize after all this suffering- what did you get out of it really? Squat. Nil, nothing, nada. You are still alone.

      I look at it as a huge learning experience and began to realize that I made this choice to engage with an unavailable man. And stayed. Life is about choices. I made the wrong one here. But now I can look forward to making the right choice- with the right man.

  33. Hi ladies I’m having such a hard time today missing my ex mm and wanting to reach out. I’m not sure if it’s because of the quarantine I haven’t been out of the house all week and feel like I’m going crazy. I started to think about him and miss him and then started crying which sucks because I have been doing ok so I feel like I have gone back to square one with my feelings and the healing process.

    1. I totally understand how you’re feeling, trust me I’ve been feeling the same way. I follow another blog as well that deals with relationships with toxic people, it’s called Post Male Syndrome and it’s written by a woman named Natasha. I totally recommend it along with this blog. But on instagram, Natasha will answer questions and someone asked her a question just like what you’re talking about-they mentioned wanting to reach out to a toxic ex during this time. She responded with that while it is totally natural to feel that way, and in the moment it might grant you instant gratification, but that at the end of the day all you’ll be receiving is crumbs from this person when you deserve loaves. I’m here for you and you’re not alone, just remember why you are doing this in the first place-no contact is best for you and for your healing. That’s what I keep telling myself, that if I initiate contact-1. he won’t take me seriously for not sticking with my decision and then treat me like a doormat even more and 2. I will go back to being miserable waiting for him, not being in his life, not being a priority, and just sitting on the sidelines. Like this blog says, yes you’re hurting but at least you are FREE. Here for you <3

      1. Hi Cat Yea I keep telling myself if I reach out to him he probably won’t reply and even if he does it would probably be the same cycle in the end so there’s really no point in doing it and I’m already 7 months out in nc. I have worked too hard to go back. I’m going to check out that blog maybe it will help me. I’m here for you too and all the lovely ladies here 💖

    2. Hi everyone. My mm has not bothered to get in touch to see how I’m doing either. It really is a testament to how little they care. I haven’t reached out either.. But I was the one who got the most hurt in all of this :( It’s almost 5 months since we spoke and I still have my moments. Still can’t believe how little conscience he has.

      I was thinking about all the affairs that must be falling apart at the moment, as the mm can’t justify leaving the house! I comfort myself (I know this makes me a bad person lol) by knowing my mm and his family are probably driving each other nuts while they’re cooped up inside. He always said he wanted to leave, but clearly he was just too weak, and I can’t help but hope he regrets his decision.

    3. Hi Kat, how long has it been? Please don’t feel like you’ve gone back to square one – you haven’t. You will have days like this but that doesn’t mean all your hard work is undone. Keep going. The days of crying and feeling consumed by grief will become farther and farther between.

      1. Hi Allison it’s been about 7 months of nc now. I feel like this whole quarantine is really getting to me. I live in California and we are in a lockdown so I haven’t left my house in a week. That’s when I start to think of him and get sad but I’m trying to stay busy I been working on my closet and room these past few days. I also been starting each day with a workout dvd in my living room. Before yesterday I hadn’t been that sad about him I felt like I was moving forward.

    4. I think the current quarantine situation really came at a bad time for your recovery. We just have to stay as strong as we possibly can; so hard to do at a time like this.

  34. So this is the moment of truth to each lady on this site. During our own personal crises we each may be challenged with at this time, has mm been there for you? What are his actions vs words. Take this opportunity to see the truth of the situation.

    1. I am going through this at the moment with my mm. He has moved in and out of my home 4 times now. His wife knows all about me and she has even packed his things for him to bring here hen he moves in. Sometimes its for a month or two, sometimes its only for a week. I have told him goodbye everytime, and meant it. He allways has a certain REASON why he HAS to move back, but its NEVER because he still loves his wife and only wants me!
      He is usually gone a day or 2 then starts back in with calling, stopping in to check on me, and then eventually we are right back to where we left off!
      I keep trying and trying to get through this and over him. But I feel unless he stops calling, I wont be able to.

      1. Hi Peggy I think I’m order to move on one person has to be the one to cut the other person off. If he keeps calling you it’s obvious he’s not going to end things. If you really want to move on I think it would have to be you to be the one to cut him off or else the relationship is just a cycle that keeps on going. My ex mm ghosted me and won’t talk to me so he basically cut me off. If he wouldn’t have done that we would probably be in the same situation over and over again. It hurts and is hard but you will get through. There has to be some great single men out there for us. Hugs 💖

  35. I’m on day 2 of no contact… again, he tried calling but I ignored. It does feel different this time, I realised enough is enough, I don’t want to be sitting around waiting, waiting for him to call or pass by, only for him to disappoint me once again and cancel our plans, when in reality we could never make plans… it was all based on deceit, a lie. I still love him with all my heart, it felt real and the time we spent together but I guess it was all one sided. He used to complain about his wife to me. I couldn’t hack it anymore, I can’t harvest pain when I can live free of it. He’s a selfish man and he always used to say to me, I’m miserable without you. Good, stay MISERABLE because you LOST ME

    1. I’m doing better than I would have expected. I was really sad the first couple days cutting contact, but I’ve done it so many times before that it feels really familiar. This time is different though, I’ve realized that I want better than what I was getting with my MM. I miss him a lot, but if I think about it I was more sad than I was happy. I am starting to feel free, free knowing at least I’m not competing for someone’s time. And I feel hopeful that I will find someone that will choose me and only me. I’m putting my efforts into getting healthy again- mentally, physically, and spiritually. Not going to lie, with everyone being quarantined with the coronavirus, I felt tempted to reach out to him because it’s familiar and comfortable. But I didn’t and I’m really proud that I resisted that temptation. How are you doing?

      1. I’ve been missing him more than ever, just missing that one person I can turn to for emotional support. But he hasn’t reached out. It’s a stark reminder of reality, but I’m a strong woman and will get through this. If any of you need anything, just reach out.

    2. Hi Anna
      Thank you for checking on everyone. I’m doing ok I was kinda missing my ex mm with everything that’s going on in the world right now. I wanted to reach out but then I told myself no he’s not part of my life anymore. So that’s what keeps me back from reaching out. I still care for him I don’t hate him but what can I do you know. I hope everyone else is doing good. Hugs 🤗

    3. For those still in contact with mm has he stepped up to the plate in your time of need during the current world crisis? I have not been in contact with mm, nor has he reached out to me. Please take this time to re-evaluate your relationship and what YOU mean to him.

      1. JK, I used to ask my ex mm what would happen if something like this came up. Not that I could envision this, but just like what would happen if there was an emergency. And he would always brush me off or change the subject. I can’t deny that it hurts, even after all this time, knowing he does not care how I’m doing.

  36. Hi everyone,

    I’ve been in a relationship with a MM for 2 and a half years now. I’ve tried cutting ties with him so many times in the past and always gave in to contact and to giving him another chance. This time has to be different for me, I feel like a shell of myself. The entire relationship he has told me he was going to leave and was “just waiting for the right time.” He even set a date of leaving last fall, which has now come and passed. I got a new job out of state and recently moved, before I did I asked him to dig in his heart and tell me if he really saw himself leaving. He finally told me the truth, he said he doesn’t see himself leaving because of his kids. I feel so hurt, betrayed, lied to, and used. I wasted so much time clinging to the hope of him leaving, for it to all be a lie. I shouldn’t be surprised, my gut told me it would only ever end one way. But I listened to my heart and stayed despite always being disappointed, lonely, confused, and not a priority. I’m going to be 27 this year and what I struggle with most is the fear I’ll never love someone else the way I love him. I know that’s fear talking, but this is the first man I’ve dated that I wanted to marry. I’ve never felt so strongly about anyone before, and it’s really scary to let that go. I’m just trying to remind myself it was really one sided. And he might love me but only to what he’s capable of loving me, and that’s not enough for me. I’m trying to remind myself I’m the one that’s better off, I’m the one that’s better off and he’s losing ME. But I can’t help but feel like the loser in this situation. I feel like I’m losing everything. It’s just hard, and despite cutting contact and blocking him, I miss him a lot. I’m just ready for the pain to be over. I feel so alone in this and wonder if he’s even hurting at all

    1. Hi Cat.I do think they miss us after the relationship ends they grieve too but I think after a while it’s out site out of mind and since they have so much on their plate with the wife and family they just move on realizing what they had with us could never truly last or exist in the real world. I know you don’t think this now but in time you will find a wonderful man who will love you and make you a priority always this chapter in your life will have a ending and Happiness will being ! Stay Strong .

  37. I am still struggling so much. I have had relationships now with three married men. What is it inside me that keeps doing this? I have not been able to maintain no contact with any of them. I don’t actually see two of them in person any longer. It’s like something happens with the relationship and I go ahead and get another one.

    1. Hi Jill please don’t be hard on yourself for being with three married men. Could you be feeling a void with one of them so then you get another married guy to fill that void? Please realize you deserve so much more than crumbs from a married man. They really are no good for us. They will never leave the wives to be with us. There has to be some good single men out there for us. Stay positive hugs 🤗

    2. Hi Jill. Wow three married men ! Jill I personally think that we send a signal out that say [ Hey I’d settle for being second best ! Without even know of the vibe people pick up on us and men do single out women quick. Married man know how to pick to play the game on ! We gotta really work on our self esteem and build our confidence level up. Or else we continue the cycle .And I’m judging you really that’s why I’m not putting myself out there fear of being with another M.M or being hurt or played by some man I’m still a work in progress even after a yr out of being out of my affair . I told him I was thinking about moving no reaction . I wish these M.M cared about us as we do for them these stories are Heartbreaking and never change. Stay safe Guys !!

  38. Bells Paw . I’m so sorry for you it truly sucks we all have been there .My married man did hear me out about my feeling but he also said I didn’t think I owed you anything ? Really Now yes you do !! It’s been over a yr since we parted ways and I still miss him and think of him every now and then .I seem not to fined anybody to hold my interest yet .I’m thinking about moving because everything reminds me of him and I need a fresh start.But I’m proud of myself for not responding back to him recently that was really hard. I don’t know why this kind of relationship have such a hold on to us even after it ends and it mess with our confidence moving forwards .Anyway ladies chin up/ heads up !!

  39. Hi All

    I went NC for 3 months last year, and I really suffered during that time. It was so hard and I went through a depression. I knew he wasn’t suffering at all and was living his life to the full without a second’s thought about me. Although I resolved never to contact him again, I had a (negative) outcome about something that mattered a lot to me and that he had been involved in and I reached out to him as I truly thought he’d want to know about it. It was a mistake and within a few moments, I realised he had forgotten about it and he really wasn’t interested. Anyway, as a result we kind of got back in contact again, but this time it was different. He was so emotionally detached from me, so contained and so moved on. While I was still full of all the emotions, needs and hurts. I really hate myself for getting sucked back into it and what I hate even more is once I knew what was going on and wanted to make a stand he didn’t give me that chance.

    He wouldn’t ever let me discuss the situation with him. I tried to write him some emails about how he hurt me etc etc, he just ignored them. When I lost it on the phone at him his response was to cut all contact with me. This really hurt too as he had taken as much as he could from me, for as long as I gave it but the moment I showed him my feelings and got mad he didn’t want to know. With him and I, everything was on his terms even what I could and couldn’t express.

    So here I am still hurting and angry with him and all over again. We’re back to NC again. He didn’t even wish me Happy Xmas or new year or anything. Its so hurtful. I feel wretched.

    I know its all pointless and I need to move on and I want to move on but he’s left me with all the feelings that I could never express and I don’t know what to do with.
    I see a different side to him now. Its sad to think I once thought so much of him in every way. I adored him. But he took me for granted. He was a smooth talker and I was always taken in by his words, but now I can see they were empty and superficial. The truth is, he’s self centred and has no consideration for anyone else or the effect of his actions on anyone else. He is so indifferent. He doesn’t care if he causes hurt and unhappiness to other people, he’s just out to get what he can from situations, its all about him. Its easy for him because he doesn’t have emotions, he has no attachment and no needs.

    1. BellsPaws – he is a classic narracist. Please research this, he ticks every single box.
      I’ve been there recently then I made a promise to myself to concentrate on just me. Turn all of your energy and focus onto yourself. Change things and spoil yourself rotten, it helps. I’ve changed my car, I’m scared of flying and this weekend I’ve flown to Spain to visit a friend all by myself, I’m so proud of myself, I’m redecorating my house.
      Do things that will build confidence cause they take this away from us. I’m still in brief contact with my MM but I never initiate anymore.. I’ve thrown all the cards into the air and will let them land as they see fit.. oh and guess what, because I’ve been to Spain he’s actually asked to see me today (funny that) I turned him down, I didn’t even think about him when I was away either. It’s funny how your mind works when you just stop caring so much about them but the trick is to turn it all onto yourself instead.
      Narracists won’t listen to your feelings and thoughts cause they don’t care, so it works both ways.. why should we care. my MM ignores my emotional outbursts but speaks when it’s casual talk so I’ve stopped doing it.
      Usually when you have started to move on is the time (and I mean totally move on in your head) he may reappear because the rolls will be reversed then.. it’s happened many times to me. They need the ego boost and breaking no Contact feeds that.. don’t give him that satisfaction. I do reply to my MM but they are short and cold now simply because I just don’t want to be rude, I refuse to give him my full attention anymore and if he stops messaging me then that’s fine also.
      Stopping caring is the key.. every thought you have just say ‘why do I care’ and eventually you won’t. Make changes, do something that scares you, prove to yourself you are a confident woman. Hang in there and do not message him!! Ever! He doesn’t deserve your name appearing on his screen. He never did.

    2. Hi Bells Paws,
      I know you don’t see this now but take the forced NC as a blessing. Like Hayley is saying, he is a narcissist, and this silent treatment is proving that, just like everything else he has done has proven it. You don’t need that kind of person in your life, abusing you and hurting you over and over. Take the forced NC and use it to focus on yourself. It will take awhile and wont happen right away but you won’t want his sorry ass anymore.

    3. Hi bells paws I’m really sorry your going through this. When my mm ghosted me I also went through a depression and was angry and hurt because he said he wasn’t never going anywhere till I told him to. I know how it feels to have these upset feelings and not be able to express them. Like you said you sent him emails expressing how you felt with no response I also had reached out to mine with no response till I got fed up and said to myself he didn’t deserve to know he was in my thoughts if he could easily discard me after that. What has helped me is time. I don’t feel as bad as I once did months ago. I still struggle with it daily because I still see him at a distance around town. Like everyone says on here try to focus on yourself doing things that will make you happy. I know it’s hard and feels like nothing helps in the beginning but we all eventually have to rise above all these mm. I also think once use women get feelings the mm pull away or they kinda hold back because they know they can’t give us anything real.

  40. I don’t post as often on this site but continue to read posts. There has been no contact from me or mm going on 8 months. It is a blessing! I read these posts now and wish I could provide a way for you ladies to see the rainbow beyond the storm. Do whatever it takes to stop contact. Stop hurting and start healing.

    1. Hi ladies I couldn’t seem to write a message last week not sure if the site was down it wouldn’t let me post. Anyways it has been almost 7 months of nc with my mm (he ghosted me) most days now I’m ok but I still get sad days. Today I see him driving. I keep feeling like I can’t move forward. I am trying online dating but nothing is really coming from that. Does anyone have any tips on how to let go and not care and to move forward. I hope everyone is doing well!!! Hugs

      1. Hi Kat, I tried online dating and had a few dates after mm and I broke it off, but I found it was t for me. I think they ruin us in a way. It is so intense that It is too hard to go back to a regular situation and always compare. I also think part of it is us. We got attached to these unavailable men so there is something about that we need to own. And honestly online dating just sucks. Hell dating this age just sucks period! Anyway I gave it up. I feel like if I meet someone in a regular situation and we hit it off great, but I’m not going online trying to find it. The bad thing is that I’m a homebody and this situation has made me even more so. I feel safe in my home and don’t put myself out there much. That way I don’t get hurt!

        1. Hi Anna I completely agree online dating does suck I have had nothing good from it with any guys on there. I also feel like I’m closed off to men or at times feel angry about men because of the situation with mm. I’m young I’m 29 I hope to find a great guy probably not online but somewhere. I feel like because I have no one right now that’s what makes it hard for me to move forward from my feelings of mm. I know it will take a lot of time.

        2. Hi Anna. It has been a long time since I posted here and I haven’t been reading the posts but I found your post and I had to comment. I am totally 100% in agreement with you! I have tried online dating after mm broke it off with me and what a total waste of time! What you said about it being so intense with them that it’s hard to go back I feel like that every day. I have to remind myself that what we had was all an illusion. It wasn’t real life. I have slowly turned my life around and I’m healed. I still think about him and miss him but I would NEVER go back to that or him! I have total peace in my life and the highs and lows of being with a mm have gone. I think about last year at this time when you and I were going through the soul crushing heartache and I’m so glad it’s gone. I remember counting the weeks of nc. To be free of the whole situation is peace and I hope you have found peace as well. And to all the ladies who are still caught up in it. Break free it’s a dead end and you will heal. It takes time but you deserve better! Good luck to you all. Hugs.

          1. Hi Leigh Ann! It makes me so happy that we have both healed and gotten out of the situation we were in. Last year was a hard year, and even though I still think about mm I wouldn’t go back. If anything I feel disgusted by how he treated me and was able to just ghost me. I feel like none of it was ever real to him and he was just playing along until things got too dangerous. I don’t think his love was ever real. I think he enjoyed me but had no attachment to me and that’s how he was able to end it and walk away. Big lesson learned. I have moved on but haven’t been able to meet anyone else that I feel the same way about, and that part is hard. But I’m no longer hurting over him and feel strong and capable. I really hope the other ladies see that no contact is the way out and even though you may not be the same you will be okay. Hugs!!

          2. my break up is brand new. We have lived together for about 6 months off and on. He always says he loves me more than life itself but can only stay away for no longer than a week. We have both lost friends and family members, over our relationship, but we always thought we would see ourselves thru it. Then yesterday when he was packing a house he just sold (or so he said) he just never came home! He called me and said he loved his wife and was going home. Now today he wants us to be BESTEST friends?????? We have broken up 4 times now, and everytime it gets worse, and he always sweet talks his way back in. He is coming for his things tonight, and I cant be here or I know I will cave. On top of that, I lost my job, my unemployment got denied and he stuck me with a bunch of bills so he could move home and pay all those bills with his wife! I just want a huge sinkhole to swallow me up!

      2. ~Not so hurt anymore~

        The only way I have been able to start to move past is to forgive … for ME, not him. He needn’t know how I feel. Whenever I have a thought I stop it, send him love and forgiveness. Heck, I cheated too and would like forgiveness and can’t hold him to an impossible standard anymore, because anger will kill me. This is a work in progress but instead of counting NC days, I track ‘no anger’ days and for the first time in 2 years I feel excited for the future.
        I also remind myself something I read about affairs ending, I didn’t lose anything precious – I lost something pleasurable which came at a very high price.
        I’ve tried online dating as a 44 year old and it’s not all doom and gloom once you can start to see beyond anger and thinking all men are awful.

  41. I couldn’t agree more about MM only wanting to text, and not see me anymore. Mine was also keen on keeping me around as a coffee buddy at work. One time I went and all he did was feed me superficial compliments about my looks, hugging me and holding my hand. Then he conveniently vanished for a week. WTF??

    I think he was trying to manage down my expectations from seeing me to trying to make me accept & be happy about the reduced effort on his part.

    It didn’t work. Why would a woman be happy about texting and coffee? Come to think of it, we weren’t friends in the real sense of the word. So all this pathetic behavior wasn’t even about caring about me as a person. That’s because I was an object for fanning his ego.

    He was also scared to death of being caught. He would text in a panic thinking wife might suspect something. He was highly concerned about his image in the community, and upholding himself as a do gooder. He couldn’t say no to his wife for anything. She ordered him around like a lackey.

    I asked he didn’t get a divorce if he was so unhappy. Boy did he complain too about his miserable life. Well you know he’s too weak and can’t give up all the comfy benefits of married life.

    I walked away from him finally but it appears he will hold that grudge against me until the end of time.

  42. Did any of you lovely ladies ended up hardly seeing you MM towards the end?? It seems I have turned into a convenient text buddy when his wife takes a bath but no effort to ever want to see me. What’s that about?
    Needless to say I’m back on the NC wagon for the millionth time.

    1. Yes exactly. I became a convenient text buddy when the wife was occupied. The last few months he made hardly any effort to see me and only texted when the wife was busy doing something else.

    2. @Hayley – yes!! He went from seeing me ALL the time and really making an effort to meet up and have a nice time, to deciding he couldn’t possibly see me in case he got caught, or because he was so busy, or any other BS reason he felt like giving me. And if I ever called him out on that, I got accused of being too needy and not understanding how ‘hard’ his life was…

      So we ended up just texting for the last few months. And even then it was only when convenient for him. I think that makes NC easier in a way – we’re worth so much more than that. Being nothing but text buddies just feels a bit pointless after a while.

    3. why is he contacting you?!?!? isnt he ” happily married” tell him go live his happily married life and leave you alone…

    4. Hi ladies, I can never find where to start a new thread so I’m just replying to the last comment. Someone commented that I’m a role model and I just wanted to say that I really am not because my mm stopped speaking to me after I got angry and disgusted with him so he forced the NC situation… I do believe he was a giant pussy and I scared him when I stood up for myself… it had run its course… I did stand up for myself and I give myself credit there, but if he had left the door open the slightest bit I would have kept running back because I was addicted to that man and he had the control. But when we take the control back the situation changes and they run and try to protect themselves. They have no loyalty to us.. I don’t believe they have much loyalty to their wives but the wives are part of their image and their nice comfortable lives but really they’ve wronged their wives horribly for years. These men are really low, I was going to say dogs, but I love dogs. I don’t really know what they are. Sociopaths.

    5. Yes! That’s how it ended with us. Three times!! It’s because they found someone else but still want to keep you there. All three times I flipped out with text messages! This last time I really did it. He made it look like well you always get mad at me and think I’m with someone else so we need to just let this go. I went off big time. NC for a month now. I’m doing okay. The first time I was in love so that hurt bad!!! Went a year without NC. Then I’m started back up for a few months. Flipped out on him. Then went 6 months NC. Then I contacted him and it started back. But I had him all figured out. I knew what he was doing. Never saw him hardly. He only seemed interested in seeing me when I somewhat agreed to a MMF!! I will always love him somewhat. But he showed me his true colors

  43. It’s wonderful to come across this site today.

    I’ve been wasting over 3+ yrs on mm at work who promised to leave wife for me. He kept asking for more time to save money (???). Rubbish. I kept getting angry at his displays of indifference, his frequent no more time for me. I found out 6 mos ago he has been keeping company with two other women besides me! What a fool I was! No wonder he was tired all the time. Trying to juggle 3 women plus his wife.

    I feel really horrible about myself for allowing this to go on for so long. I could see several red flags last yr but because I cared and had feelings, I let those slide.

    His breadcrumbs were the worst. When I withdrew in disgust he always made a huge effort all of a sudden. They are master manipulators and will do anything to keep you strong along for years! It’s awful too because I run into him in the cafeteria at work.

    The last two months I pulled away 100% and he kept leaving flowers, sent poems, offered me rides. All of which I ignored. I walk by him in the hall now like he doesn’t exist. He’s hurt and now sends mean texts saying how cold I am. I delete all of them.

    I will have to look for another job now as he’s getting angry. Someone left a wilted rose on my desk. I can guess who. I wonder what other type of revenge he will take. I’m a bit afraid of what else he might do.

  44. All the ladies smashing NO Contact remember:
    ‘A man who cheats on the woman he claims to love is the lowest man on the pyramid’

  45. hey findingmyway- wow @ your friends marriage…funny thing is that’s exactly what his wife page looks like…picture perfect happy family….but like you said dont believe anything on social media, especially the fact that he cheats, something is off…

    thank you ladies, you all really helped me so much…

    Im going to take a little break from this site-but Ill be back to update you all in about 2 months-

    Ill also be taking a much needed social media cleanse…

    if tricia or findingmyway would like to check on me please email me @
    somedays are hard, somedays easy…at times I need someone to talk to…

    1. Hi ladies!! I hope everyone is doing good. I have seen my mm driving around town 2 times this week and it has really shaken me up. At times I feel good and at times like right now I still seem to struggle and cry and miss him. I keep trying to remind myself that he is no prize and why would I want a man that cheats. It’s been 5 months of nc. I sure hope I don’t feel this way forever. My anxiety has been through the roof.

      1. Hi Kat, I went through a long period of ups and downs too. I also thought I would feel this way forever. But It does become a whole lot less intense eventually and you’ll feel better. I don’t think you ever forget and a part of me still wonders if one day my mm will reach out to me because that’s his pattern! So it is weird living like that, and I hate that we have to live with that not knowing. But I’ve thought it through and I honestly think even if he came to me now I wouldn’t want him after how he’s made me feel. I will always have some good memories, but I’m putting myself first for the first time in a long time.

        1. Hi Anna thank you for the comment. I sure am feeling all the ups and downs. Some of my days are good and I’m ok and then other days aren’t good. It makes it hard that he works in my town and I see him driving around or his job is on a main road in the town and I can just look over and see his car there. I still feel all the emotions like being angry and then sad. I feel like how can you just ghost someone without saying anything and expecting them to be ok and he can carry on with his life like I never existed and I’m over here hurting still. I been going to therapy and trying to take care of me and put myself first too. One of my therapist said he probably wouldn’t reach out because he has a family to go home to that nourishes him and how I basically don’t have that to go home to. I’m single and young and don’t have any kids. I have been trying online dating but nothing is coming from that.

          1. Hi Kat,
            Everyone is different but I can tell you my healing took most of 2019… my mm and I broke up in March, and I don’t think I really got to a good place until close to the end of the year. I had a lot of ups and downs, one day being okay and the next being upset. Breaking up with a mm is traumatic, and it takes awhile to get over it. Be gentle with yourself and take time you need to grieve this and heal. Is there any way you can avoid going to places where his office is? I had to make myself stop going to places that reminded me of mm, like the area where his office is. I also know he goes to a car show every Sunday morning that is in my area, but I have completely avoided it. I don’t want to see him, and deal with him looking away or acting like I don’t exist. He’s already hurt me enough.
            Stay strong and big hugs!

          2. Cheer Up Kat !!!! I know it’s hard seeing him around town unfortunately these married men think they owe us nothing since we are the OW . But you’ll find a wonderful man one day who will love you and you will look back on this time in your life like ( what was I thinking really ? …………. Taylor . These relationship with these men start with them pursuing us so they usually end up Ending it , Or you can try and do a slow faded out ? But these affairs have a slow natural death to them . And it’s painful but ladies be Kind to yourself !!

          3. Hi Anna yes 2 days ago makes 1 year that ended things with my mm the first time. We only lasted 2 weeks of nc and then got back together. So this 5 months of nc now makes it all real and I wish I didn’t have those memories of how sad I was last year when I ended things the first time with him. I am giving myself time to heal and grieve those feelings and allowing myself to feel those feelings, that’s what my therapist says and to not try to suppress them. I can try and drive in other ways through town or try my hardest to not look and see if his car is there. I would be scared to ever see him in person somewhere out of him ignoring me acting like I don’t exist like you just said Anna. I just wish I had someone else amazing to move on to but I’m not dating anyone.

      2. Hi Ladies. 64-65 days no contact here.. don’t know which so I must be losing count but that’s a good thing right.
        Good days and bad days but the good are now outweighing the bad and I’m starting to question ‘what the hell was I thinking’ the thought of bumping into him triggers my anxiety.
        Stick at it no matter what. I promise it takes time but it does get easier.
        Stay strong out there.

    2. Hi beautiful ladies! I can’t seem to figure out how to start a new post on this site?? So I am not doing very well since the latest breakup with mm a week ago. I broke down a few times and texted with him and asked him to meet me in person. I always feel after he breaks up with me that I am blindsided by it all. And I feel the need to meet with him to tell him how I feel about everything. At any rate, he claims this isn’t easy for him either, but he can’t show his true feelings at home. (for the wife and daughter would be questioning WHY he was acting upset, etc)….whatever. I told him this wasn’t easy for me, but he has to do what he has to do. But, SO DO I!!! I cannot, cannot, cannot let him do this to me again! This is the 5th time, and eventually we could get back together based on our history. I can’t let that happen again. There is NO future with us at all. He never told me he was going to leave her for me, and I never asked him to. There is NO point of our relationship at all, I have to keep telling myself this!

      I know there were some posts about if things are THAT good at home, why do they cheat? Here are my thoughts, at least based on my almost 6 years with mm. When we first got together, I really do believe things were not great in his marriage. (we were friends for 15 years first, so I knew him pretty darn well)…. I don’t think things were horrible, but they weren’t great, and I am pretty sure there was no sex life at all. When things were good with him and I, they were really good. But, then when we would get too “close”, it would freak him out and that’s when we would either break up or have problems. I also think that mine and his relationship actually made his marriage BETTER! Last year, I saw him on TV for a broadcast, and I noticed he was wearing a wedding ring (something he had never done before). I asked him right away about it, and he told me the wife was really trying to make things better between them, and wanted him to start wearing a ring again. So, I feel she picked up on a lot of what he was giving to me (and not doing at home), and therefore was making more of an effort with him. And he told me he had to put in that effort too (this was last year)…..of course, that didn’t last that long, for we got back together again. But, then we were caught for the 2nd time texting, and that really freaked him out. He has always been scared to death of losing everything to her (which I always called BS on, for he would never lose everything)….at any rate, this last break up he claims is because things have indeed got better at home, and he even said to me that a few years back, things were just “so-so” at home, so he didn’t have such guilt. But, now that things are better, he has horrible guilt when he goes home to her, after being with me. Guilt on both ends….So part of me wants to give him “credit” for being honest with me that things are better at home and he doesn’t feel right being with me too. But, I know deep down I surely shouldn’t be giving him credit for anything. For once again, I am left to pick up my own pieces, while he gets to go home to his family who has NO idea what he has been doing with me the last 6 years. Again though, I really do believe that his and my relationship actually made their marriage stronger…… shitty is that!!!

      So now I have to find the strength to REALLY move on without him and never let him do this to me again!!! I hope I can do it…..

    3. Hi ladies. I can’t find where to start a new thread… well, it has been almost a whole year since my ex mm and I ended our relationship.. It had been building up a long time, but Valentines Day 2019 was my breaking point. He took his wife out to dinner and I stayed up all night working on a report because I was scared I was getting fired. He didn’t get me a card, flowers, anything… I went completely off on him the next day and we stayed up all night arguing on the phone. I made it clear how angry and disgusted I was. Then as we continued talking, he told me that he was still having sex with his wife and if he could go back and change things he wished he had his family back the way they were YEARS ago… before he screwed everything by being a cheater I guess. Oh my God, I still remember that feeling, like my heart was ripped out. I have never had such a feeling of sadness and anger, almost rage, go through me as I felt then. I realized I was a third wheel, and he had really just used me to make himself feel good, escape boredom, whatever… telling me things for years that were never true, future faking, to make me fall deeper and deeper in love with him so he could keep taking what he wanted, until he got tired of it. And at the end, he was perfectly fine with my life being fucked up, as long as he could keep his world completely intact. I realized then that no matter how much I loved him that I had to end it or it would end me. So I chose me. And this relationship has been the single hardest lesson of my life…without question. I still love the person I thought I knew, and I always will. But I also still hold anger towards him for how he lied to me and led me on. I really feel like he was sort of a sociopath for his ability to lead a double life and lie to everyone, and ultimately ghost me the way he did after seven years. You don’t flip a switch and just fall out of love with someone. So I still have that anger. But I don’t hurt anymore over him. I have moved on this year and my life looks a lot different now than it did last year. I want every woman who is visiting this page to know that if you are in a situation like this, it may seem hopeless but you can move on and recover and be stronger from the situation and you can see these mm for what they really are… cheaters, con men and liars who do not truly care about you.

      1. Anna – amazing post and so true. Well I broke NO Contact after 7 weeks only to find whilst being polite to me he’s got no desire to find the time for me anymore. Things have improved at home so he no longer needs me I guess so I’m back on the NC wagon where I will now stay. I was crying most of yesterday but today I feel ok, almost relief myself and have done a few productive things for myself today because now it is about Me and no longer him.
        That doesn’t mean to say I’m not fuming and feeling revengeful. I’ve recently found out his wife is now driving around in the exact car I told him I wanted.. !!!!! Fuming is an understatement.
        How these MM can come on so strong then drop you is beyond me. I keep telling myself their marriages were bad at one point and no doubt they will be again at some point.. no marriage becomes amazing all of a sudden. And then what will he do? He won’t be knocking on my door again that’s for sure.
        I just hate that they get away with this. I now plan to disappear off the planet completely, I’ll make sure he never finds me again including even moving jobs. Time for some big changes and to get rid of this idiot out of my brain once and for all.
        Well done on 12 months I bet you’d never go back there again now.. it’s just not worth the drama or upset is it.
        Roll on 12 months for me & congrats for getting out.

        1. Hi Hayley,
          Honestly, I feel like he did me a huge favor because I would have kept going back had he kept the door open the tiniest crack. I really think that me finally getting angry and showing that I was powerful scared him and he couldn’t handle that. Ladies, once you claim your power the dynamic with these clowns changes so fast your heads will spin. They do not want to lose any part of what they have in their life, and that includes their wives. Roll on ladies. Hugs!

          1. OMG Anna this is what I’ve been saying.
            When you start noticing things and calling them out on things ( I even told my MM he is a naraccist) they know their game is up and the shift starts to happen doesn’t it.
            All these stories on here are exactly the same.. it truly makes my blood boil.
            These MM are CON-MEN. They truly just do not care.
            A lot of you ladies are saying ‘I don’t want to see him, it causes me anxiety even passing him in the car, he’s hurt me enough’ sums it up completely and it’s exactly how I feel.
            I hate how they get away with this but I do believe in KARMA and I hope it bites every single one of them on their ass someday.
            I hope they become miserable again one day (let’s face it they will) and miss us this badly but we will be recovered and long long gone!
            Day 3 of No Contact yet again.
            My stupid fault and lesson learnt. If they aren’t kicking our doors down to see us then why do we even want them anyway. Sad pathetic cowards!

      2. Hi Anna . I remember last August my Ex Mm told me he to was now having sex with his wife and wanted to be good husband now ? Really ! I acted like I do didn’t hear him say that . I knew that when he said that to me I had no place in his life and I allowed him to use me and throw me away like yesterday trash . 14 months later thinking of him still hurts I remember my Valentine’s Day I got flowers and chocolates covered strawberries I was about to get on the phone and thank him right ?? Until my sister called said did you get the package I send you ? I thought you needed some cheering up . He never thought of me in that thoughtfulness way of wanting to do stuff for me and if he did he stopped himself because he didn’t want me to take him seriously about us . Now his Bd is March 4th . I want so bad to wish him Happy Bd but it’s over and not my place anymore . …… Hayley’ It’s ok to return back to the scene of the crime that’s is how we learn . When you been with a man for yrs back and forth you always think it well never truly Ends ? But these relationship as I always say have a natural slow death to them but we ladies will be Ok !! Life after the married man !!

      3. So much truth in what you say Anna. Thank you for giving me hope that only better times lie ahead of me on this journey in healing. Truly the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through…and I’ve allowed it to happen again and again over the last 3.5 years. Now on day 5 of NC after he told me the wife wants baby number 2 and he wants to give his son a sibling. This time is the final time.

        1. I’m so angry that we’re all here, all with almost identical stories, because of these scumbags. And they’re just living their lives like nothing happened. Hayley I really hope you’re right and karma gets them in the end.. I struggle with the anger and resentment of how he can just move on, while I’m here still hurting. They come on so strong in the beginning, we don’t stand a chance. That feeling of being wanted and loved is so addictive and (SEEMS) so pure.

          We stopped talking 3 months ago and I’m very up and down.. sometimes I feel strong and other times it just HURTS still. Weirdly it’s the days I feel “strong” that I want to reach out to him – I think I almost convince myself I just want him back in my life, with no expectation for anything more. But I know in reality I could never be satisfied with that. One thing I’ve noticed is that I cry a LOT less than when we were together – it got so stressful towards the end (I couldn’t understand why he “couldn’t” leave his wife… I realise now he just simply didn’t want to), it made me sad more often than it made me happy. So those of you just starting out with NC – please know you’ll be happier without your MM, even though it feels like the complete opposite. That’s addiction for you.

          Anna, you’re our role model! My MM said something similar to me once, about wishing things with his family were how they were years ago. These guys seem to say a lot of hurtful things – makes me wonder if sometimes they’re pushing the boundaries, testing to see just how much we’ll put up with (let’s face it – we put up with a lot). I went through a very traumatic situation once, and not long afterwards he told me I needed to “get over it”. And then got annoyed when I dared to be upset by that.

          WHY do I still miss him. Sorry for the long rant!

  46. hey tricia- I no longer look at this social media…Im going by the pictures I used to see…

    I dont want him anymore-I wouldn’t trust him at all…he could easily do the same thing to me..

    you’re so right, when I used to see his or her pictures it did hurt…

    very true its just a only take 2 seconds of time..

    thanks ladies….

  47. for some reason, I cant directly respond to tricia and anna, but anna I saw your response in my email…

    Its crazy that they do that…I think mine takes advantage of how naive his wife is…so I think he’ll get away with cheating for the rest of his life..I dont think she’ll ever find out on her own…the other women would have to confront her…and its not going to be me…cuz its in front of her face…perfect example he post everything on facebook…but he has never posted a picture of his son or family on his page and the kid is almost 2…does she not see it? thats what annoys me about her…

    unless he’s the perfect husband at home, but we all have that intuition something isnt right even though we dont have concrete evidence..

    1. Hey Anonymous,
      I agree with you, because my mm was the exact same way. He took total advantage of the fact that his wife is dumb…and I’m sorry to sound mean, but she is… he fooled around for YEARS and got away with it….some of the stuff he did with me was brazen and went on right under her nose. I would not pay much attention to social media. I do understand the desire to look… I have done it myself…. but you never know, he may have a totally separate FB page that you don’t know about.. I know for a fact that my mm had an Instagram page that he blocked me from, most likely because he was posting photos of his family and didn’t want me to see them because it would hurt me, I’d get upset, ask questions, etc. As for the wife, it sounds like she over-shares and is trying to convince herself more than anyone of how “happy” they are. The people who constantly post about how happy they are, are the ones that are probably having the most problems behind closed doors. It’s the happy couples that stay low key and mainly off social media because they don’t have anything to prove. I once knew this girl who was a huge over-sharer on social media, constantly gushing about her husband, how happy they were, how lucky she was, etc. Turns out one of them was cheating the entire time, they are now divorced and she’s married to someone else.

  48. being the mistress is the worse thing a women can do to herself…Now that Im finally getting over him, Im finally seeing who he really is…a selfish, lying cheater…think Im starting to hate him…I used to think the wife was lucky, envied her a bit..especially when I used to look their lives via social media…but now? hell no..she could have her cheating husband…

    This year is only about me!!! Im tired of giving so much of myself and then he goes home to his wife and kid…they go out on weekends, vacations, etc…what about me? I deserve all that, plus more…I had enough of the crumb of life….I want the full course meal…thank you…

  49. Hi Ladies,
    I have been reading all of your comments from the beginning. I need you to talk some sense into me. Here is my story. Seeing a MM for 4 years now. I had a live in boyfriend in the beginning and we carried on for a while with no feelings involved. Well one day he said he loved me and the rest was history. The bf and I broke up (not all to do with mm) I have been “single” now for 2 years. The mm finally moved out before the holidays into his own apartment. You would think things would be great right? Not so much, I don’t think he was anticipating his wife wanting to work things out. The whole time before he worked up the nerve to have the talk he would tell me he was scared that she would just kick him out & he thinks she had divorce papers ready. As far as I know no one knows about the affair. I think he sold it as he needs a break. Well now she is pulling out all the stops to work things out and he is claiming his teenage daughters hate him and only will be around him when their mom is around. I am having a very hard time understanding that – they even went away as a family to a gymnastic tournament last weekend. I was pretty pissed but I get the guilt trip of I just want to build my relationship with my kids & if that involves their mom then it will be that way – they come 1st. It has turned me into a crazy person & someone I don’t even know. I hate myself for being so insecure now & he even said I turned into this needy person. He said I left for you I thought that was enough! I am still getting crumbs, his kids and wife call all the shots. I have a feeling in 6 months when his lease is up, he will go back. I hate this more than anything. I am a professional woman who travels the world for work and he has had 6 crappy jobs since I have known him. What the hell is wrong with me?? I see all the advice on here to go NC and I will eventually. I can deal with the pain & Hurt of that (did it once when I said its over – then he miraculously found a place and sucked me back in) Most of me wants him to man up and end it himself & not give him the satisfaction of playing the victim. I am doing the slow fade but am trying to talk myself into hating him and its not working.

    1. These guys never man up. I haven’t seen one situation on here where the man was willing to just be honest and file for divorce. I get not wanting to hurt anyone but once you’re in this situation it’s impossible. And from what I always see it’s the other woman who ends up with the hurt. I wish I had good advice. NC truly sucks and you have to be ready for it. Sometimes it gets forced on you like when they go back to the wife or ghost you. Either way you will be fine. It just takes time. I promise you.

      1. Sadly I do know it never ends up well for the OW. How ironic though in my marriage I was cheated on and left for the OW. They are still together .. not sure how happily. It makes me wonder if the universe is playing a cruel joke on me .. I’m not loveable for anyone to fight for me. Been on the short end of the stick both times. I know NC is the way to go. I’m playing his game .. one word responses etc.. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of not having to face his actions. Honestly I have mentally prepared myself that he will go back. But damn I’m not going to hand that to him .. he needs to make the hard choice .. I’m tired of these men getting off Scott free then playing well she ended it with me so of course I went back home. Makes me so angry .. just man up and be honest .. I’ve actually asked that of him and just get vague answers. Thank god for this site to keep me strong and open my eyes to the craziness. I’m going to start thinking like a man .. harden my heart and play the game right back with him. I am slowly moving on.. I put an online profile up but quickly deleted it .. I’m not ready for that yet but at least I got a glimpse that there are other men out there. Thanks again everyone this is a great place to gather strength.

    2. It’s been awhile since I posted here (Nov). I have not contacted mm, nor has he reached out to me since June . His birthday past and so have the holidays without contact.
      I would like to restate what I stated last on this site for the ladies new to this site and those still struggling:
      How did I finally break away? I blocked him on my phone and changed my email.
      It meant no contact, no checking his social media or his wife’s, no driving by his house or go to places he hangs out. I had to avoid places mm would most likely be. I needed to do what’s best for me. I hope all you ladies do what’s best for you to break away emotionally. Those who are in situations where seeing mm is unavoidable, I don’t know what advice to provide , but I believe it will be nearly impossible to break away if you don’t. I see things much clearer now on how dysfunctional things were, on both parts. The stories on this site are very similar. Please ladies, don’t settle for this life of being second place. For once, I feel ok being alone.

  50. I am having trouble getting over an affair with a married man. We went together to a college reunion. He made sure everyone knew I was with him and held my hand. He said it felt right. He was having trouble in his marriage and his wife was moving out and bought her own home. He bought her out. We spent 5 days together from for the reunion. Our sex was the best I had in years. We were very compatible sexually. He made me feel special and loved. He sent me texts so many times a day. Then after the reunion he was returning to New Jersey. I live in Illinois and he said he wanted to see me again. He planned a trip for me to come out to New Jersey when his wife went on a vacation. I thought he was further along and was divorcing her. He paid my expenses, stayed with me and took me places. One night he said, Linda I don’t want to hurt you but I can’t commit to you at this time and I think you want that. I told him I wasn’t expecting complete commitment so soon but he did hurt me already and he was to late. He acted so different after that and was kind of cold. We had amazing sex on the day I was supposed to return home. I asked when I will see him again. He said let me get through the holidays and get my wife moved out completely into her own home. He said I am confused but we will keep in contact just like we always did. By messenger because his wife wouldn’t know. Well the holidays came and one day on fb I see him with his wife in NYC. I sent him a text and said why didn’t you tell me you were back with Janet. I feel like a fool sending you texts that I did. I just couldn’t get him out of my mind because he was so wonderful to me. Gave me attention, was polite, hugged me in bed and shared time with me. He said he only was with his wife because she asked to go to NYC to see the Christmas lights. One day we were texting and I asked him if he still loved her. He said yes but continued to joke around with me and most of the texts were in a kidding sexual undertone. Well Saturday night in Illinois I kept asking him to see me one more time and his only answer was maybe. I totally lost myself. I had two glasses of wine and started crying uncontrollably by myself. I just can’t move on. I ended up texting him and was truthful on it. He was what I think truthful and said he was horny and if I was willing we would have sex. We did and he said it was Awesome sex. My texts to him sounded so needy and I was to the point asking him why he clings to his wife when she is moving out. I am embarrassed of my behavior and sounding so needy. He said he want minimal communication because my texts were driving him nuts. I understand it would because I sounded crazy and needy and I am not either one of those, I never had an affair with a married man in my life. His attention and sweetness pulled me in only to find out he was not far along with separating from his wife. Just how do I overcome this?

    1. Hi Linda,
      What this guy did to you initially was called love bombing and what you are going through now is the devaluation stage. I am not saying every mm is a narcissist but they have similarities in the way they act in the affair with the affair partner. If you read through all the posts here you will see a pattern and you’re definitely not alone. I think to tell him to call you when he is divorced or the wife moves out, and stay no contact or very little contact until then for your own sanity would help you regain some peace. Good luck!

    2. Day 10 of no contact from both sides after 9 1/2 years. This is very hard. I’ve read back several months through the posts…..very helpful.

    3. Hi ladies I hope everyone is doing good. It’s been 5 months of no contact with my ex mm. I still get sad and miss him. He works in my town and I see him driving around town somewhat frequently. Today he was in front of me in the Starbucks drive through. I did notice he was wearing a black plastic wedding ring when they handed him his drinks.Any of the ladies that have been out for more than 5 months does it get easier? I don’t feel as bad as I did initially in the beginning but there is still part of me that gets sad and wants answers (he ghosted me) but I know I won’t get answers and I try to stop my brain from overthinking everything and am trying to let myself heal. I just wonder how he could just throw me away like trash like that and be ok scotch free when i still hurt and get upset over things.

      1. Hi Kat,
        I still get sad sometimes but not nearly as much. Mainly for the person I thought I knew. But it was all so fake. The other day I pulled up WhatsApp and saw he had been on. We had never communicated there, so it was the one place I knew I wouldn’t be blocked. I figured I would send him a message. I did it without the expectation of any reply. My life is so different now. There is security knowing no one can rip the rug out from under me.

      2. Hi Kat . Well I’m 14 months out my affair I was unfortunately ghosted too and I’m say I’m healed but ……. like you I still see him because of business but not everyday thou but if I really think about it I get sad it’s hard seeing him and acting like the affair never happened but life goes on . So I think there will always be a underlying of sadness there and angry how they choose to leave .

  51. Hi ladies.

    This is going to be my last post here. It has been almost a year since I last had contact with my mm. I have accepted that it isover and my heart has healed. I hope for all you ladies that are still caught up in the affair, get out! There will never be a happy outcome in this situation. I want to thank all you ladies who helped support me through those painful days and months after it ended. I hope all of you ladies will find true love and happiness in 2020. Merry Christmas to you all and always remember you’re self worth and find a man that is all yours and will take care of your heart and always be true to you. 🤗

    1. Hi Leigh Ann . I’m so happy that you found the strength and Inner Peace you needed to let go . I think you are a wonderful woman who gave so much kind words and support to the ladies . I remember your struggle and how you and Anna was there for one another it was a beautiful kinship . I hope you find a lovely man who appreciates you and see your beauty inside and out !!!! U are one class act !!!!

    2. oh leigh ann, I hope you read this. I am happy that you have healed. I remember when we were crying together and could barely get out of bed. barely making it through the day, crying on the way home from work. questioning if any of this was even real. in hindsight I think that not hearing from mm was for the best for both of us. I was just thinking today that I might write to my mm to actually thank him for not breaking no contact with me so I could heal and get on with it. I know it sounds ironic to do that, but I really think I cold turkey was the key for both of us….I wish you peace and happiness in 2020 and thank you for sharing your story with all of us and especially with me.

    3. Hi beautiful ladies! I can’t find where to start a new thread. I am SO happy to see that so many of you have been able to move on from mm in a positive way and are doing good!!! I have read all of your posts from the last several months and I hope it gives me the strength to do what I know in my heart I have to do already….

      Just a quick reminder, I have been with my mm over over 5 1/2 years. It’s been a bumpy ride for sure, we have been caught twice. He has broken up with me 4 times, just for us to get right back together. But, really we hardly see each other. We have texted every day, but since the last time we were caught, he really gets watched like a hawk and is very paranoid of getting caught again. We have done what we could, and we do see each other at the gym maybe once a week. It honestly has been nothing real exciting, but at the same time, I am not had the strength to let go… Well, I struggled a LOT with Christmas, knowing he was celebrating with his family. And all I could think of was him sitting at his in laws, having a great time, while they ALL think he is just the best thing since sliced bread! They have NO clue who he really is!!! In the meantime, I was sitting at home with an alcoholic husband, just hating life to be honest….. so, I saw him this morning at the gym, I didn’t ask him a thing about yesterday. But, we were talking about what was going on today. ( I should mention, he has been off work since the beginning of December for a surgery he had, and his wife is a teacher, so she has been off since last week.) He said he would be running around doing errands and would say hi when he could, but it’s tough for “everyone is always around” (he has a daughter too)….so I was a little pissed and asked him “Do you EVER have time for just you? (cause he always tells me how everyone is around, that’s why he can’t talk)…..anyways….it led us to the conversation that our lives at home are complete opposite. I live in a very horrible marriage with an alcoholic. And he said “thing are good at home”….and I knew things are much better at his home than mine, but boy that really hit me. We were together physically one week ago, and all I could think of was how he really IS having his cake and eating it too. So, thing are good at home, but let’s have me on the side for the sex part??? I KNOW that is not ok….and I guess I am coming here to have you ladies help me, PLEASE help me find the strength to end things with him once and for all. I really feel at one of my lowest points ever in our relationship and I need help to do this!!! Anything thoughts, advice, encouragement, would be so much appreciated. I just am beside myself right now and tired of feeling this anxiety over and over and over.
      I need help desperately!!! :-(

      1. Your story reminded me a little of mine. I’m on my THIRD time with this mm. The first time I fell. I tryed to end it but I went right back. Then he stopped all contact. (I know he found someone else but doesn’t know that I know). I was a complete wreck. After a year went by we crossed paths online and it started back up. But wasn’t quite the same. He had less time now and he started trying to get me to get into others sexual acts that I wasn’t interested in. I finally broke down and told him off BIG TIME! Of course I regretted it a week later. I said sorry too him and he said sorry back. Said maybe we can try again later but said he was too busy at the time. (I’m sure with other women!). So then about 6 months passed. I reached out. Said hi. We’ve been talking since but have only seen each other twice. I know there’s someone else because of how he’s acting. He used to come see me on my lunch break. Not anymore. I hang on because I have nothing else. My life’s sucks. I live with my parents and I am so depressed and miserable. So I use this as an escape. As you say you’re home life is not good. I can say that I am somewhat over him. Actually seeing him three times is getting me over him because now I see what he is really like! The first time he was like a god to me and I had a false sense of reality.
        I really need to move on from this. I can’t fall again. That was torture! I still do like him and my emotions go up and down based on if he messages me or not.

      2. Taylor – this is like me.. he sat in my car at my gym and said ‘things are good at home’ THIS was my wake up call and it should be yours. For me it’s one thing when they are unhappily married but a whole different ball game when they are happy. I was so angry that the whole time he had me he was working on making his marriage better. I made him end it with me. He needed to do it because he started it and I wasn’t strong enough. I promised myself and him that when he said the words I would disappear. 36 days later NC and I’m fine. He’s respecting my wishes I guess or doesn’t care either way I’m starting not too either.
        Of course he didn’t want to end it..he wanted to keep me there on the shelf just incase. I have never felt such anger for anyone in my life. Us women get to a point and this was mine. You’ll know when you have reached yours.
        36 days.. my migraines have stopped, anxiety reduced massively and I feel great. Yeah there are days I do miss the texts but I don’t miss the drama. The tears have stopped and I keep telling Myself he is where he wants to be! I accept that and it’s his loss. It’s nice now all the focus is on me and I don’t have to worry what he thinks about me, am I pretty enough etc etc.. it’s like a huge relief. I’m almost scared to ever bump into him or hear from him again.. this stops me contacting him.
        Your problem is you have the added issue of your husband which needs to be addressed separately.
        If you’re not happy please consider leaving him.. also the best thing I ever did was leaving my husband.
        You’ll know when it’s time trust me. I’d consider changing gyms also.
        NC works but it needs to be 100% the slightest contact keeps you trapped in the cycle. Trust me.
        14 years with my MM on and off.. Never Ever again !!
        You got this.. be strong and believe you are amazing cause you are.

        1. Hi beautiful ladies!!! I am SO glad we have these posts here to read and re-read. I need this especially to kick my own ass back into reality!!! So…the last I posted at the end of December, I was struggling (again), and hoping to find the strength to break it off with mm. Well… I didn’t…But…he pretty much broke things off with me (again) this morning….Things had been ok since I last posted, even though I knew nothing at all had changed with him. I just once again got scared, and continued to accept the crumbs. I told myself that a “little” of him was better than nothing at all. He has been off work the last 6 weeks for a surgery that he had, so we have seen each other a little more often at the gym. I hate to admit it, but we were physical a few weeks ago. So this week has been ok, when I saw him at the gym, all was good. I had applied for a new job, and he was very supportive. But, the last few days I just have been more anxious than usual over everything and just have sensed something going on. Oh also, he mentioned a few times this week that the wife was off work for she had to go to the doctor. So, I kept thinking/wondering what is going on with her. I DO have a heart and I DO care, and I would never want anything bad happening to her. Anyways…he texted me this morning, and it was actually a nice text. But, something in me had to find out what was going on with him. So at the end of my text I said “What’s up with you??”… Well, that led to a long text from him. Pretty much saying that he has been struggling with the same thing as always. He loves our time together, but he struggles with the time afterwards. He said again like he told me not long ago, things are good at home and he is afraid of losing that! He said his ulcer is gone and he is in a very good spot. It’s just our relationship and home that he struggles with. He said he sill enjoys talking to me and seeing me at the gym and he hopes that we can talk more soon. Just not today, for he was going to another doctor’s appointment with her.
          So…here I am AGAIN in the same situation I have been 5 other times. This coming May would be 6 years since we first started our relationship. I just don’t know WHY I keep letting this happen to me over and over and over again??? I HAVE to make this time, be the LAST time. I HAVE to find the strength to move on without him!!! I know the fact that we have talked almost every day for 6 years (except for the other times we broke up)….I know he’s like an addiction for me. But, enough is enough. I know I am “lucky” in the sense that he has been very honest with me about what is going on. I know a lot of the other ladies on this site have been ghosted, and not received any kind of explanations. But, at this minute, it doesn’t make it any easier. I am shaking, I feel so sick, and I even keep thinking WHY did I even send that text asking him what was up. If I didn’t, I am not sure TODAY would have been the day that he said what he did. That being said, I guess I know in my heart, if it wasn’t TODAY then it would be another day. He never had plans to leave his wife for me, NOR did I EVER ask him to leave her for me. SO, the reality is, we had NO future together….but, we did have 6 years together, and I just don’t know how to get over it??? I have tried 4 times before, and needless to say, I didn’t do such a good job of staying away. :-( I just don’t know how to get through this for good???? I need all the ASS kicking I can get please, so give it to me!!!!!!! ;-)

          1. Hi Taylor,
            I know the feeling all too well. It is actually a good thing that he is honest with you. Mine either avoids direct questions or tells me what I want to hear even though in my gut I know different. I know it doesn’t make it easier to turn off the feelings and that “addiction” of getting a text. I am not one to give advice about NC – I know I am not strong enough for that. I am trying to change my mindset and “think like a man” So I don’t initiate 99% of the time – I find it helps to turn his messages on Do Not Disturb – that way I am not constantly listening for the phone to go off. It works too to help me not immediately respond which I always do even though he leaves me on read for hours. Hope that helps a little at least.

        2. Hi Hayley! I know your situation is almost identical to mine. How are you doing? Mm broke up with me (again) on Friday. He told me (again) that things are “really good” at home and he is struggling with his and my relationship. And as much as he enjoys spending time with me, it’s the time afterwards that he struggles. I already knew that, he has told me many times how hard it is to be with me and then go home to his wife and daughter and put on a different face as if nothing happened between him and I. But, being together 6 years and friends for MANY years before then, I don’t know how I am going to get through this. :-( This HAS to be it….I can’t keep letting him break up with me every time he feels he is struggling. And truth be told…if things are THAT good for him at home, then I need to let him go and he certainly does NOT deserve to have me.
          In regards to my husband, I AM working on that. With my kids, financially I just can’t go out on my own right now, but I am working my ass off to make that happen as soon as I can.
          I would love to hear how you are doing. How long did it take until you felt somewhat better? Feel free to email me if you would like! It’s a little hard communicating through these posts sometimes…. My email is Thank you!!

          1. Taylor – I’m 59 days NC. 60 was my target but now I don’t want to contact him. Yes it’s been hard some days more than others.
            Day 10 I threw a glass at my wall in anger.. Day 25 I wrote an apology message to him for what I had said (me apologising to him! Really!) I sat on it for 12 hours then decided not to send it. Thank god. It should be him apologising to me for dragging me into his ‘happy marriage’ I feel conned by him and the anger helps to stay strong.
            Day 59 I feel like I’m a better parent, I’m learning to cook and I’m back in the gym. Couldn’t care less about him.. I keep telling myself ‘he’s where he wants to be’ I can’t say or do anything to change that even if I was Megan Fox it wouldn’t make a difference so I stopped taking it personally.
            Funny thing is I still think he will contact me one day just not for a while cause he always does! But They aren’t friends they never were our friend..they are a threat to us! We don’t need their lousey friendship which really means keeping us on the shelf just incase.
            Last week I thought he was in my work place turns out it was two of his colleagues but my foot was shaking so much on my clutch driving home I had to pull over.
            What I use to think were butterflies I now know is anxiety cause it was a toxic situation. I also think it’s helped that I controlled the ending (making him end it) cause these affairs tend to be power games a lot of the time.
            Take control,End the toxic cycle, just do it. Not giving him the satisfaction also stops me from contacting him. I’m sure he’s expecting me to cave in but I made a promise to myself and you need to do the same.
            This isn’t about these low life men.. this is about us.
            Turn all your energy onto you instead of him. It works. If they are soooo happy why bother with us in the first place!! They make my skin crawl.
            Stay angry. Even if he turned up with his cases saying he had left her I wouldn’t want him now, he should have made me number one in the first place like I deserve to be.. so screw him.
            I’ll email you.

        3. my question is , if things are so good at home…then why do they cheat?

          I always wondered that with my MM….especially the facebook pictures she post…things look pretty good to me…in my eyes they make life look easy…well she does…its definitely a highlight reel…I wish you ladies could see her facebook/instagram pictures…

          1. Never believe what is posted on social media. I find the more unhappy the relationship the more people post to put on a show. I have often wondered myself, I’ve read that happily married men do cheat but I don’t believe it myself. I think men put up and shut up more than we think and they think and feel so differently to us women their emotions catch up with them a lot later and they tend to hide them hence why there isn’t one man posting on this forum.

          2. Hi Anonymous. They cheat because they can and for there Ego because somewhere along the lines the wife forgot she still has to cater to her husband and really believe or not the married man wants attention from his wife and when she start to thinking maybe he is cheating chances are she will get mad and jealous and maybe even leave him for awhile but believe me she still wants her husband !! And that’s when thing’s starts changing at home and they back sleeping together doing all that freaky stuff he wanted and she stop doing with him so now ( Everything becomes all Good !? ) And they are only using us and stringing us alone for yrs laughing at us knowing damn well the truth ! We are what I call ( Break In Case of Emergency Girls ! ) well I just give her a little time or attention too keep her around ! Get out these affairs ladies because the relationship you have with this man is not real and chances are he probably selling you a pipe dream and there will be No Happy Ending . Find someone who can appreciate you and what you have to offer and will put you first always ! And it’s Ok to be alone . Positive Vibes !

          3. My honest to God opinion is that sure they have problems…things got boring, the wife let herself go, they don’t feel like a king anymore or the sec isn’t hot enough. So instead of working things out at home they bring us into it and lead us on, screw with our hearts and minds…. really just gaslight us! Read the stories on here about how these mm ghost and run when the wives find out. They have whole other lives that they are not looking to give up, that’s why we were the secret. They say all this stuff and in reality the wives have their balls in their purse. Really twists me up thinking how pathetic it is, but it didn’t seem so at the time!

          4. thanks hayley for saying that because I swear they make everyones lives look like crap…I think to myself wow you guys have it good….every weekend you all are out some where..when I was obsessed with him…looking at her social media depressed me…

            I regret doing this…the worst thing Ive done in my life…I hate him and his wife-she’s even dumber…

          5. Anonymous 38. Please stop torturing yourself looking at your married man social media ! You only looking because you want him and you think he provides a damn good life with his wife and kids and small part of you want that with him I get It . But it’s only hurting you . But once you stop seeing Mr Wonderful in him and start to heal you’ll stop . I don’t look at my Ex Mm social media it’s just pictures of a family to me 😳

          6. I totally agree with Hayley. Men are a different breed and really compartmentalize so well that at times it becomes maladaptive and that’s when behaviors such as affairs occur and the OW gets hurt because she isn’t wired like that. Don’t look at social media or believe one thing on there. A few years ago a good friend of mine had been having years of unhappiness with her husband. We had lunch one day and she said she suspected he was screwing around with a coworker. She wanted to leave him but they were in heavy debt and she said he was psychologically abusive at times with their kids and she couldn’t handle the thought of them spending time with him where she couldn’t be their to intervene if they were divorced. The next week was fathers day and she posted a tribute to him saying what a good husband and father he was and posted pics where they looked like the happiest family on earth constantly doing fun things. Ive known for a while that she was not happy and it was not true. But her FB timeline told a very different story. I don’t get why people do this but they do. Probably to try to cover up or make themselves feel better. Or it may be more about sharing about what the kids are up to and how proud she is of them. Who knows. Don’t torture yourself by reading too much into FB or insta. You have no idea what life is really like. Everyone just posts the highlights and we all want to look like everything is so great. Rarely do people post how they really feel especially when it is about embarrassing and personal topics like a floundering marriage. The fact that he is having an affair tells you something is wrong in the primary relationship (unless of course he is a complete narcissist or sociopath then anything is possible). His affair with you is all the proof you need. It may not be blazing guns fighting between them but he willingly chose to have an affair and lie to her- there IS something wrong there (if not in the marriage then definitely with him). Don’t try to understand more by stalking his wife on social media it will get you nowhere and make you feel like shit. I think we torture ourselves looking for answers because we just can’t understand why they would do this. I really think men handle things so differently and when this kind of crap happens the differences in coping and behavior are massive.

      3. Hi Taylor,
        Your situation sounds like mine except for the alcoholic husband. My mm had a big family and I always felt like his time with me was the only time he ever got to himself and it was kind of his way of acting out or rebelling against what they all expected of him all the time… I do think he enjoyed his time with me, but the fact is, THEY always came first, no matter what, and my place was on the side. I feel so cheap and used when I think back on some of the sneaking around! But my advice would be to go no contact and disappear on him! Let me tell you, I thought many times when I see with my mm about just disappearing and I never did it, i was too weak. I hope you block him, stop seeing him at the gym, and just disappear. Make him wonder what happened, take your power back. Good luck to you!

      4. Hi Taylor . To be in love with a married man is a terrible place to be . I think when we are sick and tired of the affair and all the ups downs and being ghosted, disappointed and feeling used and guessing what he doing we he not with you and stood up and feeling vulnerable.because you feel helpless or powerless? You will just finally walk away and let go and let the healing being . Because that’s why I walked away just tired now I feel much better and healing has begun . Look at it like this if you went to get your hair done and the price was right but ……. every time you went the stylist messed up your hair but she cheap and it’s affordable but your hair a Hot Mess !! How many times are you going to go back ? Well that’s how I look at being with a married men he cheap and easy but mess up your life you get what you pay for . I wish you all the luck moving forward and ladies aim high not low .

    4. I wish I was as strong as all of you. We had been seeing each other on the sly for months and then 1 night out of the blue he told his wife about us and called and asked me if he could move in. Of course I said yes and picked him up at work the next afternoon. We enjoyed spending a lot of time together, seeing each other in the mornings before work and even cooking dinner together. He even asked me if I would consider marrying him once his divorce was final.
      Well I got a lot of hateful messages from his wife, his sister, his niece, etc. But he always said they will get over it. THEN I got a message from his wife saying how she enjoyed shopping with him and how he talked or messaged her EVERY day! I think that was my last straw.
      We spent 1 last day going out to eat, getting our Christmas tree, decorating it, making kive and having what HE thought was a good day. THEN he said can we go upstairs and talk? We went up to the bedroom and laid down and he said I cant live here anymore. Man the sense of both regret and thankfulness that hit me was overpowering. He said he was going to live with his sister JUST until his divorce was final but he would still come over every night. Well, HE LIED. He went right back to his wife and is still living with her. He still calls me everyday and still tells me he loves me, but its just not the same anymore. I guess I just believed in us a LOT more than he did! Everyone tells me to stay away and not take his calls any longer and I try not to, but I just cant! I am 61 years old and have loved this man since he was 12! He was my 1st boyfriend and is now my LAST boyfriend! I know I WILL get thru this! I will NEVER get over this but I WILL get thru this!

  52. Hello ladies . Well guess who was outside my door ? U guessed it Mr Married man ! I was walking to go to work he comes out calling my name It took me awhile to recognize him he has changed so much but I looked at him and said hi and kept on walking he stood there in disbelief usually I’ll be running to him well now he know how it feels to be ignored . I know now it’s over I’m not the same person anymore this whole experience has changed me . I now don’t see Mr wonderful anymore he just a simple man he finally got he wish I’m gone ! My confidence and worth is coming back I don’t need his crumbs to get by I’m free now . I hope ladies you be finally free too.

    1. Hi Tricia.
      That’s so awesome and perfect 👌 good on you! It has been a year since I last saw my mm and it honestly feels like he never existed. I still have moments when I miss him but life has moved forward and I’m ok. I often wondered if I saw my mm what I would do. Now I know! You have given me the answer. Just say hi and keep moving forward. Thank you for your strength and dignity. It has totally shown me what the right answer is! Stay strong ladies. We are worth so much more than crappy crumbs. 💪🏻

    2. Tricia, when I read the first sentence I thought, oh no, but as I kept reading…how you handled? I was like, you go girl! Yes! I am sooo proud of you!

    3. YESSSSSSSSS tricia!!!Im so happy for you!!! giving me the confidence I need get rid of mine once and for all….I feel so used and abused…I cant wait to reach that point…like what was I thinking?!?!?!

      1. Anonymous 38. I truly do believe this married men train us to let go with all the ghosting and back and forth until you just get tired and walk away . My Mm did texts me later you know he just couldn’t let that go earlier and I ask why didn’t you reach out to me it’s was a whole yr !!! His response ( I was busy with work???? ) really !?!? ) Well stay busy jerk ! This men don’t really want us it’s all about Ego and Attention they get off us . And I went to doctor and the doctor is flattering me staring all at me like he wanted to kiss me ? He pouring it on thick and I saw that ring ! Girl I was like oh No not this mess again . Anonymous you are already there I know that feeling of being used it will pass with time just hold your head up and do you girl ! Thank you lovely ladies your support means a lot to me !

      2. Anonymous38, Tricia……congrats to you Tricia!! You have found yourself n your self worth!! Anonymous38 let go n find your true worth, it’s not easy but in the end it’s so gratifying!! I now look back n think to myself, what was I thinking n how could I have been so manipulated n let myself be used in such a destructive way!! When we climb outside of our little boxes that we created for ourselves we see the big picture…break free n live a “real” life that we deserve n let them continue to play their dad games wt their wives n other women cause we are not their first or last!!!

        1. Hi Tammy ‘ thank you ! And you should be proud of yourself as well you have come along way and deserve all the Happiness your heart can hold . Ms. Anna . I think you healing wonderfully ! I read all your posts and know your journey to healing was long so proud of you also ! Hayley . Remember it does not matter how many times you fall down what matter is you raise back up ! Ladies still in the struggle yes it is very hard to let go of someone you think you love but as hard as it is it can be done . It took me yrs to really just let it all go . I didn’t want to know the truth in my situation I was one who thought ( Oh maybe we can be friends ) No we couldn’t because really I wanted what we had shared once and really saw how indifferent he was toward me . I will never forget him but I’m tired now and never will to accept being second or third fiddle to a married man and waiting for whatever little time he can give me . And ladies I knew my married man for 11 yrs and an 8 affair with many of back and forth so if I can let go you can too ! Much love to all & Happy Holidays !!!!

    4. 24 days NC that’s just over 3 weeks! He’s remained blocked this time and I’m feeling sooooo much better. I’ve had a few bad days but overall it’s the best thing I did. I also don’t have the urge to contact him anymore, it truly is his loss. I’m starting to feel like the old ‘me’ I was before he returned into my life for the 5th time. There will be no 6th time. I’ve truly burnt that bridge by saying nasty things & I was tempted to break NC to apologise but what’s the point. He doesn’t deserve an apology cause doing this to us fabulous women and their wives makes them the bad person.
      So to anyone thinking of going No Contact.. do it. You can’t stay friends, you’ll always want more & their ego is boosted knowing they have you on the shelf.
      If you can’t be in their life full time then they don’t deserve to have you part time. No questions!
      I realise now he’s happy again at home cause he’s had a huge promotion and all his wife cares about is money so she’s bound to be happy with him. Goodluck
      To them.. I’m sure it won’t last, he’s kidding himself. 14 years proves it but that’s not my problem anymore.. he’s lost me!
      I promise… you can do this ladies. NC is your greatest revenge. Remember No action is an action & silence speaks volumes.
      Oh and it also makes you realise that you probably aren’t as into him as much as you think you are..
      Emotions play tricks on you.
      To those struggling..If I can do this anyone can. NC is the way to go.
      I’ll report back when I’m 60 days.

      1. Hayley – I’m so happy for you. I feel a definite kinship to your situation as I also felt like my bridge got burned with my mm. Whereas many of the women here have had contact from their mm I have not, and even though it was so difficult in the beginning, and it has taken time, it has helped me heal. I no longer obsess over the loss of the relationship, I can go the whole day now without thinking of him at all, and when I do think of him, I feel neither happy or sad, just indifferent. My healing is becoming complete and I feel happy again. My happiness is no longer based on mm, or even a job, or a trip or anything else, but on myself. It’s a good feeling that I haven’t had in a while.

        What stands out the most about the relationship with mm, is how poorly he truly did treat me, it’s funny because I thought that was love. This is something I think that is worth examining for all of the ladies who are in these relationships. He had every excuse in the book, but the fact is that if a man wants to be with someone he will. These men want to be where they are, and they want to do exactly what they are doing…

        It makes me sick to think about being the other woman and I will never again allow myself to be second best or side chick. I want the real thing or nothing… and I am fine being alone if I can’t have the real thing.

        The silver lining in all of this is that once we are out of this situation is the takeaway that we get from seeing our value.

        1. This is very well put. My mm hasn’t bothered to contact me either – I stopped replying one day and that was it – so did he. He’s never asked why I stopped or if I’m OK. Nothing. I feel confused and hurt and mortified – how could he give up on me so easily after everything he said and all that we went through.
          I can’t wait to feel indifferent and stop thinking of him throughout the day. This is a tough time of year, as I know he’ll be with his family, as much as he complained about her (oh the nasty things he said about her, and I lapped it up) and the state of their marriage. You’re right – if a man wants to be with someone they will. He used to say no, it’s more complicated than that.. but I now see that’s just another lie.

          They want to be where they are. Thank you for explaining that to me – as stupid as it sounds, I never truly believed it til now.

          Eva, I’m sorry you’re feeling the same pain. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

          1. @alison my mm hasn’t bothered to reach out to me either. We got into an argument that wasn’t resolved then bam he cut me off and ghosted me. Since I have reached out to him multiple times with no response. It’s been 4 months of no contact. I wish I could let go. Some days I’m good and other days I’m sad still and try to make sense of it but yes if a man truly wants to be with someone they would be. I’m waiting for the time to pass so it can be 2020 and start fresh and move on with my life.

    5. Hi ladies . This a vent post today I had to speak to my Ex Mm ( business only ) So at the end of my conversation I said Happy New Year . He had the nerve not to respond for some reason I got pissed off ? I start to say ( look I know what we had is over and I’m just being polite I’m not trying to start nothing with you . All that crap I put up with I’m done with his Ass !!! Thinking about all those other women he probably slept ?? I’m still mad at myself for dealing with him . Ladies real talk these men are just using us for their own selfish purposes and when the smoke clears and the relationship is over you will see the truth . As I read these post I noticed every time these married men start to see we developed genuine feelings for them or think you want more he turns cold or get distance these men just out for a good time ladies guard your heart . And my ladies that get just Ghosted and left really he doing you a favor as painful as it is he not going to soothe your pain you will only see how indifferent he is toward you and will undo all your progress in trying to heal .

  53. I’m so grateful for this site – hearing your stories and advice makes me feel so much less alone. I haven’t posted for a while, but I lurk! I’m now one month into proper NC. Before that we were still speaking. I don’t even know why – it’s not like we can be friends. It feels very different this time. Like Tricia said a long time ago, perhaps it needs to come to a natural end. And now it has. We argued a lot over stupid things towards the end (like someone else here said – I honestly think he has changed my personality.. and not for the better), but it was all because I was so sick of waiting and hoping and getting next to nothing in return. Eventually I said you have to be honest with me and stop saying things that give me glimmers of hope. I asked if he was actually likely to leave her in the next few years. His answer was no.

    So there we go. It is what it is. I’m not waiting around for yet another “few years”, and I know that means he’ll probably never leave her. I am filled with anger and hurt and resentment that he gets away with it unscathed, but also motivated to move on. How dare he waste so much of my life and take so much of my happiness. I don’t think he’ll ever understand even 1% how much this hurts. I can’t help but feel my life is ruined by this.

    I guess we have to take it day by day (or hour by hour in the early days), week by week. My stomach still churns when I pass places we always went. I hope that will die down in time.

    Oh and Hayley – you didn’t do a thing wrong! I’d have reacted in the same way.

  54. Hi Anonymous 38 . I believe the same thing I got a feeling my Ex Mm got another woman . When I confronted him he just denied it but I don’t really care anymore he not my business anymore . Hayley ……. you are a wonderful woman who is worthy of so much ! Don’t let this experience defeat you ! One day you’ll be on a man screen saver and your man will just adore you ! To me a man that cheat on his wife may love her but don’t respect her either and don’t have a strong Emotional bond with his wife either having a marriage certificate don’t make a marriage and love isn’t enough anymore ..

    1. Anonymous38…..the only thing important to these men are themselves!!! Yes, ladies please realize that these men have not only you but several women!! They love attention anywhere they can get it!!! My married man of 4yrs actually got divorced and stated he wanted to marry me n have a life wt me, he accidentally left his phone at my house n there was several other women that he was seeing along wt prostitutes, quick tinder hook ups wt strangers and more!! I truly believe once a cheater always, always a cheater!! It’s a thrill for them and an ego boost!!! These men are the ultimate cons n they choose us wisely, they choose the ones that want to be loved n they use us, count on n always return to us cause we are the ones that fall for their crap!! I woke up thankfully!! I am much prettier and more successful than mine was n I threw him to the curb as soon as I found out but I was lied to for over 4yrs! I am not proud of having the affair , I am so ashamed of what I allowed him to do to me n most of all to have wasted 4 yrs!! I even went so far as going to his parents that I did not know n ask them to help him wt his alcoholism n sex addiction cause I am a caring person but as of now I could care less of what n who he is!! It’s been over 4 months n I’ve met the most wonderful man that literally almost smothers me wt attention n wants to marry me, he’s extremely handsome n most importantly he’s emotionally available!! I wasted my time on the MM n couldn’t see all the damage he was doing to me but eyes wide open n life is good!!! I haven’t been on this site for over 4 months n I wish you all the wisdom n courage to get out n move one!! I am headed to Mexico for Christmas wt my real live Prince Charming, I am thankful everyday that the MM messed up n left his phone at my house!! We all need n deserve to all go live “real” lives n not settle for crumbs from such losers!!! Prayers to you all sweet ladies, don’t beat yourself up but do yourself the the honorable thing n kick them to the curb n get yourselves ready for Gods best!!

  55. Hi Findmyway . If I could offer you any advice it would . Stop worrying about ending your affair because chances are you not strong enough yet and the fear of being alone keep you there . Surround yourself around people ,places and things and social events. And when you start to make your life more interesting you’re see your not alone and that emptiness you feel will go away and you won’t have a strong desire for your married man and the relationship itself will die in time . But don’t stress yourself out . I learning too get out more too I feel better but we will never forget them but learn to get pass this stage . Also try meditation to calm yourself and get some clarity on your situation. Chin up !

    1. Tricia thank you. I was just thinking exactly that this morning-that instead of letting this preoccupy my every thought and cause me to almost make myself ill, I should focus instead on what brings me happiness. I’m seeing family for the holiday and agreed to do a friend Thanksgiving over the weekend when I’m alone (this is a stretch for me as I always bow out of those because there will be several people there I don’t know but I’m going this time!). I feel so lonely and isolated now and only I can change that. I was thinking I needed to meet new friends and build up my real life and stop living on the crumbs. I’m hoping it will give me the strength I need to leave and the realization that I don’t have to be alone. I’m in control of that. Thank you for your advice as it reaffirmed exactly what I was thinking this morning.

    2. Ladies there is simply not one happy ending here.. also notice that there is not one man here either! It infuriates me that they come out of this unscathed. And to the ladies who say ‘he is a good man’ I’m sorry but he just isn’t.. I believed mine was a good man, I felt sorry for him,He was confused, unhappy blar blar blar.. turns out it was all lies. All of it.
      I’m embarrassed to admit but over the 14 years my MM ghosted me 4 times yet always came looking for me. No way was I allowing it a 5th time after he promised me,
      I was terrified of it yet guess what he tried to do! I’m ashamed to say it but I blackmailed him into speaking to me cause I wanted him to man up this time and end it properly with me. I got my wish although I did get the whole ‘let’s be friends’. No thank you!
      I’m not revengeful but right now I wish he could suffer half of what I am but it would be pointless. I hate what they do, they effect our health and swear they will be the death of us. I’ve realised today that he’s probably all happy at home cause his wife only cares about money and he’s had a huge promotion so of course she is being all nice to him. Everything he said to me meant nothing, this is the hardest pill to swallow. I’m not having a good day today cause I just hate that they get away with this!!! And I hate that I allowed it… again !! And I wish I could turn back the clock and never ever met him ( I’ve never said that before ). I’m angry with him and myself and all of these MM.
      I’m not quite sure how to move on this time, it was easier the times before somehow.. but I do know I have too. I promised if he ended it I would disappear forever so I can’t go back now I’ll look a fool.
      Anyway I have no advise, just another rant and I’m so thankful for this forum. To the ladies who are months into NC please be careful as they can pop up at any time again, men love a challenge and you’ve become one but trust me you don’t want this again even if you think you do.
      Sending hugs.

      1. Hayley
        The longer these relationships go on the sicker they get. They are afraid of us ruining their great lives but they have no qualms about messing us up. Run and I mean run from these men. They will turn your world upside down and make you sick. Sometimes you have to burn a bridge so you don’t walk back across it. Do what you have to do for yourself girl.

  56. Hi Findingmyway . I’m sorry your struggling . I’ve been dealing with my situation for 6 yrs before I found this site ! I do have people to talk too but they really don’t understand so I come here just talk and vent . Are you still with your married man ? I been NC for about a month now I really do believe he have lost interest in me it hurts but for some reason I’m ok . At times I do get angry but I’m accepted it slowly. Positive vibes .

  57. Ladies you are all absolutely amazing thank you all for your kind words. You are right he’s a very selfish man and I’ve now started to stand up for myself he even said he’s never seen me like this before. I guess they bring out the worst in you towards the end. Anna you made me smile and it’s good to know I’m not the only one who let my emotions get the better of me. I said some other harsh things too but I don’t regret it now, he actually deserved it.
    I feel like I’ve been conned big time, it took a lot to allow him back in yet again but he made me believe he was unhappy and I felt sorry for him. He hoovered me in
    And I fell for it. Silly me.
    Now he’s all happily married again or so he says yet he still wants to keep me and what we have !! So you’re really happy then! I would love to be a fly on the wall in 12 months time when I’m long gone. I think he will end up missing me more. I also think he’s only happy again cause he’s got his backup plan sitting pretty to make him feel good about himself, they do say we help their marriages! I guess I secretly hoped he’d chose me and that will never happen now. I can’t continue something with someone who is ‘happily married’ so I forced him to be a man and end it.. I do not want another 14 years of this yoyo.
    I hope to write back here in 6 months time with positive NC under my belt.
    Stay fabulous ladies.. love yourself more. They don’t deserve us anyway. Plus my friend says he isn’t even attractive anyway. This helps.
    Anger helps me to move forward.
    Can’t wait for the day when I don’t think about him anymore tho. And thank you all.

      1. Feeling the same pain. We’ve been friends for almost 20 years. The affair has lasted for over three years. Day 4 of NC and it’s been real hard. Trying my best.

  58. Hi Hayley . I don’t think you blew any chance of reconciliation I don’t even think he mad at you I think he probably thought it was cute you we’re jealous and laughed it off . But I understand how you feel thou he made you go there . I get the feeling your married man will let stay on side as long as you want ? I got that same feeling from my Ex married man they really don’t care either way ? But ask yourself do you want to remain on the side and what’s in it for you ? And are you really happy with your situation ? Don’t beat yourself up . I went off on my Ex Mm too and regretted it because I showed I still cared now I’m 3 weeks NC too. Just try to focus on you and take one day at a time and enjoy your Holidays . Hugs

    1. Tricia – thank you, yesterday my emotions are all over the place. I realise I don’t want to reconcile with him now this was the final straw for me. Today I’m going to go see a friend and do something positive for myself. Last night I told a trusted friend everything she asked to see a picture and couldn’t believe what she was seeing, that he’s not even that attractive and certainly not worth my tears. Sometimes outside perspective really helps.
      I’ve blocked blocked blocked everywhere I can think of.
      Time to do me.
      Just wish I could turn back the clock 14 years I would have ran for my life.

      1. Wow 14 years! But I hope everyone including myself read this and realize that they have no plans of having a full life with us. We are simply dessert. I’ll never give up ice cream, but it’s not my primary meal. We are dessert plain and simple. I think the key is loving ourself .once you love your self you won’t be caught up with them. They are selfish and immature and we thrive on the good times but they are not real they are stolen moments. All of us still in it need nc ASAP. The rest stay nc.

          1. Eva . NC is short for no contact . When you need to stop talking to your married man . Hang In there girl it’s hard but you can get thru this you’ll find support here . Hugs

        1. Hi there I’m new to this site, but already reading these have helped! I’m married to a wonderful man who treats me great. There’s just one problem… I’m not sexually attracted to him anymore.. I wasn’t looking for anything outside the marriage… it just happened. Long story short, my Mentor here at work who is mm pursued me. It felt great because he is a big wig and I was just so flattered… we started off our just hitting it off just as friends. We have so much in common and he is so nice and everyone looks up to him… Then we started sexting with me. He would tell me all the time how beautiful and sexy and etc… HE pursued kissing me first then a little more and more and then in November we had sex for the first and only time… This all started in July of 2019… he did say that he couldn’t leave his family. He has a son with special needs and said he would never do that to him. So I knew from the get-go what how the situation was going to go, but I’ve fallen for him but feel so guilty… I’ve tried to break it off twice. I did this last time last week after drinks… well this weekend I drunk texted him and so now we are back on, so I thought. See it feels after we had sex and I gave him 2 BJs after that he has gotten distant even tho he said he hasn’t. I can feel it in my gut and it is usually right… well I texted him Monday and we went back and forth a few times. I swore to not text him again… He usually does if I don’t… he hasn’t texted me in 2 days… It hurts, but I want it to be over… honestly I think the worst part is that he was so into me and pursued me and now it seems as if his interest is no longer there or at least not what it was. But I do want it to be over with and that’s why I’m not reaching out after Monday after I texted him. I refuse as hard as it’s going to be. I just need to be strong and keep reading all of your posts. You all straight stay strong as well and any feedback you can give me to help keep me strong would be appreciated. Oh and One last thing is he works in a completely different area than I do so I never have to see him except when our whole department gets together and unfortunately we do have an event coming up here within the next month. Not sure how to handle that

    2. For some reason I don’t see the link for a new post so sorry I’m replying here Tricia! I have a question for those of you now out of the affair-have you been doing this alone or are you getting help /guidance/support from a counselor (or friend)? I’m just struggling terribly and can’t pull the plug.

      1. Hi findingmyway I been NC for 3 months and I been getting help from a counselor and with a friend. I go to counseling every Monday and I talk about it to an extent but I feel like there’s really nothing they can do I mean you can talk about it and analyze yourself as to why you got in it or analyze the situation but for me I’m still struggling as well. I think time is the only thing that will heal me is time and letting go and realizing they will never leave the wives and you can’t change there mind and it is what it is. It sucks and it hurts but the only way is to move forward. I still struggle daily.

        1. Kat – this is my moto, it is what it is. Hang in there girl you’re doing amazing. Remember to love yourself more than him (I need to remember this) then one day you’ll just wake up and the struggle will be over. 3 months is amazing.. just think another 3 months down the line how much better you’ll be. I’m day 2 can’t wait for the 3 month mark.
          Super proud of you.

        2. I actually get what I can only describe as a full blown panic attack when I realize this has to end and I try to figure out how to do it. This is a horrible way to live. Constant negative thoughts towards MM, lots of anxiety, but we are in this kind of pattern that is really hard to break. I just don’t know how to start, how to put supports in place, and how to move forward. I’ve had my foot out the door for the entire relationship so that is likely where the feeling of unease and anxiety comes from. I am wondering if counseling would help me do it. Looking back at my failed marriage I realize I have a pattern of staying with people until I’m finally fed up instead of trusting my gut and facing the obvious red flags. This time of year is killer for me too. The holidays really remind me that I’m not in a relationship that gives me comfort or joy. I’m living a lonely life and existing on crumbs. So pathetic. But I get physically ill thinking of leaving for good.

          1. Hi finding my Way, and all you other beautiful ladies!! Finding my way – I could have easily written your post as well!! I have been with my mm for over 5 1/2 years. We have had many ups and downs and 4 break ups over those years. We’ve been caught twice, and he has broken up with me in fear and paranoia of being caught a third time. Our break ups never seem to last long though, we always get back together. However, I live in constant stress and anxiety over our relationship. I am always worried and questioning him and bottom line I know in my heart that I can’t keep doing this forever. There will be NO happy ending, I know that for sure. But at the same time, I am scared to death about ending it for good. I don’t know how I’ll get through it…I hate that I continue to accept crumbs, but I can’t seem to get the strength to move forward.

            I think a lot of my issues are that MM is actually a very good guy, he treats me well, and we always have a great time together. (In the very little amount of time we get to spend together)…But, the reality is, we will never be together forever, and I know the longer I stay in this, the harder it will be to get out. I desperately need help moving forward…..

      2. Findingmyway, It May be very difficult to find friends or family to confide in about this situation with a mm. They may listen for awhile but will probably not continue to support you. My friends started to distance themselves because they were tired of hearing my drama. I found this site and found support without being judged. How did I finally break away? I blocked him on my phone and changed my email. I was terrified of making the move, yet still my twisted mind thought mm would still fight for me. Well, he hasn’t, and the stories on this site are very similar. I’ve been through hell and back. My advice to all you ladies is you must allow yourself to mourn the loss. At some point you do need to let go. What helped me is mm has not reached out to me. I believe he too had to mourn and let me go. I don’t know I am at a point to be strong if he contacted me so I am grateful he hasn’t. It’s like an addiction. You have to do cold turkey. There is no being friends. You have to break completely away. Any contact would drag you down again. If seeking counseling is what you need to do, do it. It can help unveil underlying issues to better understand yourself. This is about taking care of yourself. At the very least, we ladies are here to support each other.

        1. Thank you ladies for your thoughts/advice. I relate to and agree with you both. There is no easy path but talking about it is the first step I guess. I’m also very thankful for this site and the fact that Laurie screens the posts so we can be free to talk and provide support. Any other online forums always get spammed and you are told what an awful human being you are. I don’t think a single one of us thought we would ever be here. And we are trying desperately to do the right thing but unless you’ve been through it you have NO idea what it is really like. Taylor, like you, my MM is a genuinely good person. Good people do make bad decisions. But his slow progress makes me resentful of him now. He continues to say his feelings and plans have not changed and he is set on leaving. But it has been so long and I need to move forward. If he can’t, I can. And I will. I can’t wait indefinitely. I can’t continue to put my life on hold. Just don’t completely know how yet to do it without having a nervous breakdown. :(

        2. I am glad that all the ladies have touched base. I hope that the ladies who are still in this can see that there is no happy ending and that there are lasting effects from these relationships that stay in our psyche. I’m my case 8 months I’m I do still think of mm daily, and that’s a long time to still struggle. I do know he is not the cause of all my issues, and maybe in some way I am working on myself now more because of him, so that is some kind of silver lining. I didn’t have that strong attachment to/from my parents so I fell hard when he showed me attention. I am also getting closer to accepting that mm and I will never speak again. It is hard to look that reality in the face for what it is. I accept that what the universe wants for me will never miss me and if this is meant to me it will be, if not then mm is not the one so goodbye. We all do have the capacity to love, we just have to look at why we are in these relationships and turn that love inside. I have started reconnecting with my some of my extended family and journaling, digging up a lot of old stuff that I haven’t wanted to deal with for awhile. None of this has been easy or comfortable and it’s still not easy, sometimes I cry and get pissed off. But I’m staying the course. Love all you ladies. Hugs hugs hugs!

  59. I’m so upset with myself after 14 years our affair is finally at an end after I found picture of his wife as his screen saver and he admitted his marriage is better than ever but still wanted to continue to have me in his life. I was so so mad that I made him end it there and then. I said ‘you started this you must end it’ for my sake.
    Reluctantly he ended it but then I made a terrible mistake of slating his wife and saying she looks like a
    man. I then stormed off.
    I know this is unforgivable so an apology won’t be accepted and there is too much bad blood. Although I know this is over once and for all because it needs to be I can’t believe I showed my backside like that.. I feel so terrible (even though I do think it) but even so but i was just so hurt that I lashed out. Not my proudest moment.
    I know I have to move on now I have no choice but I feel I’ve really blown my chances of any reconciliation in the future even though that’s a good thing maybe.
    I’m so ashamed of myself this isn’t me at all. I wish I could put it right and turn back time but now he will just hate me forever.
    So day 1 of no contact begins. I hate him and I hate myself that I just can’t stop crying! Do you think he could ever forgive my words? Have I completely blown this now?

    1. Hi hayley,.did you and your MM get back together…because.I thought you completely endded it a while ago…

      Your situation just proved to me that happily married men do cheat…

      1. Anonymous38 – it ended then it restarted then ended then restarted.. this is how it’s been. Think I managed 58 days then he broke NC and we back to square one. I’m not strong enough.
        He told me he was unhappily married and I believed him but now he suddenly is! So yes I’m so angry that the whole time I’ve been in the ‘background’ he’s clearly been making things better at home.
        Do I think a 17 year marriage can improve that much when he’s been cheating for 14 years of it? I’m not so sure but I’m so angry. I mean, what happens the next time he’s unhappy? He’ll seek me out again?
        The photo was proof enough for me hence why I lashed out.. he didn’t want to end things with me, really!!!!! but I made him do it. He started this so i realised he needed to be the one to end it otherwise I’m too weak and I’ve promised him I will disappear forever.
        So for my sake I now have to move on and never allow this to happen again. I know I asked if he’ll ever forgive me for what i said but today I realise, does it even matter! Yes I feel awful for saying it but he should feel equally as awful for doing what he does!! It really is mental torture although I know I’m to blame too I didn’t ask for this.. I just got sucked into it cause I guess I’m weak. So here we go again.. back on the no contact white horse where I have no choice but to stay this time. Hope you ladies are all ok, your NC stories inspire me. I can’t wait to be finally free of this nightmare. I actually hate him now.
        Roll on 6 months time.

    2. Hayley. It saddens me that this mm has taken 14 yrs of your life and as he admits he is happy in his marriage yet still wants you in his life. I understand you have had a choice as well to continue this relationship all these years. What stands out most of all is how selfish this man is and shame on him if he’s upset with you allowing your built up anger and frustration say something he thinks was disrespectful. He is very disrespectful in his actions.

    3. Hi Hayley,

      I don’t think what you did was that bad. I think it will blow over. You and your mm have had a bunch of ups and downs and have been together 14 years. And honestly I think it was cruel of him to have his wife on his screen saver while he was with you and he knew you could see it and he should have been more considerate. Talk about killing the mood. I mean really. You didn’t deserve that. I know you are upset and I’m sorry. One time when I was with my mm, we were intimate and his Christmas list for his family fell out of his pocket. I have never forgot it. It hurt me so bad, it was a deep pain in my heart. I also made some mistakes after that and went off on him because of that deep hurt. I think my love started out precious and perfect but after being treated second best for so long i couldn’t be perfect anymore and my emotions got the best of me. Don’t be hard on yourself. You are in a very tough situation and you are only human hugs. Xo.

  60. Hi Anna. That’s great that you have lost weight as are getting healthy! I have been getting myself to the gym and getting out and doing things on my own. Through this journey I have finally been able to realize I don’t need a man to validate me. I guess I was always looking for that and it seemed any man who paid me some attention no matter how bad I knew they were for me I would jump right in. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I have no desire for intimacy right now either. I really need to focus on me right now and get my mind healthy as well as my body. We have come so far! Remember when we thought we could barely make it through a day let alone a month! And here we are almost a year later! Don’t get me wrong I still get sad sometimes but I shake myself out of it. Part of my issue was that for some reason I kept thinking he was the prize but truthfully he wasn’t. And if he was, I have to remember I am a prize as well. Just like all of the women here! We are strong and we have certainly learned from this what not to accept! Never ever be number 2 and don’t accept crumbs! Hugs and I’m so glad you are doing better!

  61. Hi all. It has been since mid June of no contact. I saw mm at a public event in July. I believe he saw me as I saw him but neither acknowledged the other. Neither has attempted to contact the other since. It continued to hurt for awhile. Then, one day I realized I am no longer thinking of mm every day! I am not on this site as often, and I am finding it more rewarding now to go on this site to help others that are still struggling with letting go of mm . That means no contact, no checking his social media or his wife’s, no driving by his house or go to places he hangs out. I have actually avoided places mm would most likely be. It may seem to others that has been letting him control my life, however, it’s what I needed to do, for me. I hope I get to a point I won’t need to do so anymore. I hope all you ladies do what’s best for you to break away emotionally. Those who are in situations where seeing mm is unavoidable, I don’t know what advice to provide , but I believe it will be nearly impossible to break away if you don’t. I see things much clearer now on how dysfunctional things were, on both parts. For once, I feel ok being alone. Please ladies, don’t settle for this life of being second place. You really are better off being alone .

  62. Hi Anna . I too have lost the desire for sex I didn’t even want it with the married man when I last spoke to him 3 weeks ago . I just missed him and wanted to see him . And I also think that when a woman settles for being number 2 in a man life for so long other men can sense that in her so she attracts unavailable men weather married or not . So we all have to learn our Value and get to be a High valued woman . Look up Renee Wade and her husband David Shen . But when the right man come along we will know . Congrats on the weight lost keep doing you !

  63. Hi Nomad and all yes it’s incredibly painful being in no contact since he ghosted me and won’t talk to me. I had a weak moment and reached out last night on Snapchat and no reply but he still viewed all my pictures last night and when I do post. I hate him. I guess with anger comes hurt. I am hurt but I’m trying hard to move past it. It’s been 3 months of no contact I know I should block/delete him on Snapchat but I guess I’m not ready to do that. I’m probably not allowing myself to move on. I hate feeling sad and feeling like I’m not moving ahead in the healing process. Some days I feel ok and other days I’m really sad. I been trying to analyze myself and figure out my issues as to why I got involved with him and how I can improve myself.

    1. I understand the ghosting feeling well. We broke up 18 months ago, and stayed in contact until a few weeks ago when I found out he was cheating with others as well as me.
      All of a sudden, he doesn’t want to ‘support each other’ any more and has stopped all communication. Funnily enough I’m not hurt, it’s great emotional ammunition to keep moving forward.
      I still work in the same department as him, so I’m actively job seeking to get away from him. It’s my healthy strategy.

      I don’t count the NC days… he sure as hell isnt!!

      Keep moving on, ladies!!! x
      What I thought, never was.

      1. Cant say that Im not surprised…its a harsh reality, but I believe most of these married men have more than one mistress…we’re disposable to them…the only person “important” to them is the wife…

  64. Hi Kat,
    I decided to quit and tried very hard to stick to my decision. I started NC in end Feb by blocking him and removing all means of contact except I couldn’t change my office no. What eventually worked was that he stopped reaching out. I thanked him for that. Self talk like he was lonely and i happened to be convenient. I lived through sadness, pain and disgust. I was left with no choice. He didn’t want us enough and I didn’t want to be ghosted and suffer with dwindling crumbs. Just breathe, just live, just be. I started this journey around the same time as Leigh Ann and Anna. We shared similar experiences and felt each other. We counted the nc months together. We sent positive vibes. We jumped in to stop each other from falling off the nc wagon on bad days when we were vulnerable and low. We understood and comforted each other when we caved in just to ascertain that efforts were futile, nothing has changed. Absence made him realized he had to flee home to family. It was nothing but addiction and deprivation. He doesn’t need another wife. He must have grown bored with “routine” with me, dealing with my jealousy, anxiety and insecurity, and sick of assuring and pacifying me. He has enough responsibility and the 2hrs in bed is not worth the risk, the self loathing (guilt and fear) and effort to pursue us. His behavior is normal. What was I expecting? I’m married with kids. I’ve no rights to feel possessive over mm.

    Fast forward, I’ve been totally cut off for 9mths. I buried myself at work, started yoga, picked up new hobby like growing indoor plants, forced myself to go out, trying to be comfortable being by myself – walking, eating, shopping, drinking coffee alone, recess with solitude. Keep trying. It’s easier when he had cut me off. Some day you’ll be convinced it’s over. Stop waiting. It’s impossible to rekindle. It’s not pathetic to think that I was left with no choice. It’s somewhat an acceptance and closure I owe myself in order to move on. I reached out once out of impulse in end sep because I saw a missed call from him on my office line. He said to me that meant nothing but a friendly check on how I was doing after 6mths of nc. My parting words were: we can never be friends. I do not wish to see him ever again. I didn’t cry. I seemed to be cushioned through the months of nc. I still think of him everyday, feeling pangs of sadness and regrets thinking places we went, things we did while we were so addicted to each other in the first year. So what? Face the reality sooner and thank god that I escaped unscathed.

    Am I done? I can’t say… I didn’t want to test myself. At least, I’m being careful and mindful to avoid triggers, taking care of my mental state, trying hard not to ruminate, not to go there, not to peel the healing scrap. One day at a time. It was impossible to nc from 9hrs, 9days, 9weeks and now… 9 mths…

    Hoping to hear from Anna and Leigh Ann. They have inspired me!

  65. Hi Nomad. It’s been a while since I have posted here. I am at 10 month nc! It’s been a long painful journey that’s for sure. In the last few months I have done some serious soul searching and tried to build a really great life. I dated a bit but I have decided to just be single for a while so I can continue to work on me and learn to value myself. That is why I was so easily led Into the affair I didn’t value myself. I deserve so much better. I keep thinking I miss him but I don’t. It’s the connection I miss. I still get sad sometimes but the soul crushing pain is gone and I have returned to the things I love to do and put the wine away lol. This was the first time we ever went nc and it will be a cold day before I ever devalue myself enough to contact him. I won’t ever go back to the lies manipulation and pain. I hope that you and all the others ladies who have posted here and told their stories are doing great and are healthy and happy. Stay strong ladies!

  66. Hi Normad . I hope your are doing well and Thank you for thinking of us ladies. I have went to the site . Hi Kat. I know how you feel but since my last texts with my Ex married man I see thing’s differently now I shouldn’t never embarked on a affair with a married man.I did myself an injustice by involving myself somewhere I didn’t belong .What did I expect ? I feel so foolish at times but the sadness has left .I now know it’s over and he lost interest .I’m just really trying to forget him and get over all this .To any ladies considering having a affair with a married man don’t do it nothing good will come from this …….

  67. Hi Nomad, Kat, Tricia, and everyone. How is everyone doing?

    Still no contact here. I’m in the 8th month. I think this situation has changed my personality. I have serious ups and downs. Some days I think all this is for the greater good and I’m working on my higher self and some days I’m so broken inside. Even after 8 months.

    One good thing that’s happened is I’ve lost a lot of weight. I started dieting and exercising and I’ve lost about 20 pounds and still going. Physically at least I’m taking care of myself. I haven’t been with anyone physically in a long time. I don’t want to…. I’d feel like I was cheating on our connection. I know it sounds crazy but sex to me is something different now since I’ve been with mm. I don’t know when that will change. Maybe I’ll get lonely or want to be with someone eventually. What do y’all think?

    I hope everyone is doing well. Hugs!

  68. Hi nomad I been in no contact for 3 months now. I just checked out the website. I would be interested in seeing how the other ladies feel being in no contact. So far as for me I’m still sad. I may start posting on that site.

  69. Hi All (Anna, Tricia, Leigh Ann, JK and all)
    Helping a reader to broadcast her message for those who are or have left the affair.

    “If anyone is interested I am experimenting with a new blog for those who have already QUIT the affair. This blog will be for those who have already gone NC and have taken definitive actions to quit the affair and/or toxic realtionship. This will be a place they can share, vent, chat, etc. and start a new life!
    It is called Quitting is the First Step

  70. Hi Anna . Thank you for your thoughts . I believe my married man was using reverse psychology on me to get me to see the truth and leave him alone ( In other words get the hint it’s over ) But he did it the opposites of ghosting which he knew hurted me . But this time around I can easily walk away because I been in NC for months already . I do not cry anymore the tears are long gone . I do believe he’ll always call when the mood hits him but like you said people hold a mirror up too show you your truth . And I’m worth more then being some Break In Case If Emergency girl too some man . This sound crazy but I thought a married man wouldn’t rejected you because the relationship really worked out in the man favor ? Boy was I naive ! I was looking for safety and security and he represented that to me but it wasn’t mine to have . Continue staying strong Hugs !

  71. Hi Tricia,
    I’m sorry you are struggling. But it’s true they don’t leave the wives, we know this. And as hard as it all is, we are worth better. Sometimes people come into your life to hold up a mirror to you to show you what needs healing in your life. We are so drawn to these men because they represent something to us we think we need to feel whole. I have accepted I won’t completely get him out of my head. I am trying to understand the connection On a deeper level and work on self love and not be overly fixated on physical reunion. What is meant to be will be. Positive vibes!!!!

  72. Hi Kat . Thank you for responding. Well he didn’t meet today nor call I didn’t call him either . I really didn’t expect him to show . I just need to realize that it’s over his feeling have changed and we cannot be friends or rekindle our affair . 10 of NC down the drain I was at a better place and he call my house # because I changed my cell and he wanted my new # not to start the affair but just to have me there when he did want me . I feel so foolish yes I’m going back to NC and this time it will be for good ! I cannot live like this I’m just torturing myself it’s not even him I’m just lonely and vulnerable and as long as I want to be back up girl he’ll let me I need to break those chains . Positive Vibes ladies !!!

  73. Hi Tricia I’m so sorry your going through this and feel this way. These are horrible situations with mm. They never end up leaving the wives and it just causes us heartache. We deserve so much better than the crumbs. No contact is the only way to go because when you go back to them it’s the same old song and dance nothing changes. So it’s not worth it to go back to the same thing when in no contact your further out in the healing process. I’m almost 3 months no contact and still struggling. Stay strong ladies positive vibes 💖

  74. So here I sit wondering is my married man going to see me tomorrow? I beautified myself in hopes he show up in my heart I doubt it ? He stood me up before I think I’ll save myself the heartache and just go to work ? Again rearranging my schedule to see him back where I was before staring at my cell phone waiting on that texts mgs. Why did I do this to myself ? I know better he isn’t miserable in his marriage he quite fine I think ? It’s me that want a married man and setting for crumbs ! I hate the fact that I want another woman husband !! I really want my own relationship we’re the man wants me and make me a priority ! I wish ladies I could cut him out of my life I tried so many times and start missing him and returned to my crumbs and white horse is broken I believe? I too wish I could erase my memories. I’m so lost right now .

  75. I saw a photo of mm today on social media. I know, I know… he looked extremely happy… I wish I could erase my memories… it would be so much easier….

  76. Hi ladies . Look when these married men ghosted us . Use that to your advantage because I think personally they are wondering if we have moved on and if we still have feeling for them if we are with another married man crazy I know ? But they do care because they ego depends on us so when we break contact like I did ( I wish I didn’t but anywoo . Now they know just how much you missed them and know you haven’t move on you been stuck in the past they now know what effect they had on you and that’s a huge Ego boost for them . So try and stay NC for as long as you can don’t give him pleasure of knowing of how he hurt you . Kat your married miss you so if you want to drive him crazy take a picture with a guy friend and be hugged up he’ll lose he mind ! Or simply block him because he doesn’t deserve too see what your up too . Breaking contact don’t change nothing ladies they’ll just talk to us for a little while and stop again . Positive Vibes.

  77. Hi Anna thank you for the comment. I tried to reply to you last night but my internet was probably acting up so i don’t think it posted. Yea I still hurt and hope that within time I will feel better. I go through feelings of being sad and mad and not understanding why he ghosted me but there’s nothing I can do but move on. I feel like if he really hated me or wanted nothing to do with me he would have deleted me off Snapchat but he hasn’t yet.

  78. Hi Kat,
    I am sorry you are still going through a lot of emotions. There is no real advice to get past it but to go through it. I am sitting here now having a glass of wine and I still think about mm, but no longer with anger and sadness. You will eventually get to a point you accept and don’t look for closure and start looking inside you. I’m sure you already know you should delete your snap or block him so I won’t tell you that. It just takes time and being good to yourself. You will get there. Big hugs!!!

  79. It has been 2 months and a week of no contact. I am still struggling since he ghosted me. I wish I could say I felt better. I’m hoping sometime soon I will start to feel better. I go through emotions of feeling mad sad and angry that I never got closure or a response and I feel like an idiot for reaching out to him multiple times since with no response. We always would talk through Snapchat. And that’s where I have messaged him and just shows him opening my messages and he still views the pictures I post. I feel like if he really hated me and wanted nothing to do with me he would just delete me. Anyways I hope I feel better soon.

  80. I have a good friend who is cheating on his wife and I have had to all but stop talking to my friend because it is too triggering. I don’t judge anyone but all he wants to talk about their affair and it really brings me down into a low place. I have into a good place and have to keep myself there. I am always going to have feelings but I need to keep myself away from the low vibrational shit that the affair put me through. I encourage all the ladies here to do whatever it takes to keep themselves in a positive place, whatever that may look like to them. We can all do this. I know that we can.

  81. To the ladies who don’t want to be in this situation but are sad they have ghosted you, let me tell you.. be grateful!! I took the huge step of changing my number I was doing ok.. then guess what.. 8 days in I put my old sim in my daughters phone as not yet disconnected and there were 3 texts.. I ended up texting him from my new number, talk about 10 steps forward and a million back.. but this is what is happening.. I’m calling him out, I’m seeing him for what he is, I’ve joined the gym feeling stronger and more confident so our contact lasted 24 hours this time until we fell out again!!. He’s changed, I’ve changed.. I won’t be disrespected anymore.
    I can’t change my number again but I can get back on my no contact white horse for the 50th time (poor horse)
    Every time gets easier, I never contact him anymore and the tears have all dried up. I said some cruel things to him again but it’s just the anger coming out and I speak the truth. I know he will spend the rest of his life looking for another Hayley, goodluck with that! But this is also what makes me think he will be back again and again when I’ve calmed down. I think he quite likes me being assertive. I know it’s down to me to stop this craziness every time I feel ready to do it I get dragged back in.
    It’s toxic now though… I almost wish he would ghost me maybe he will this time.. because it actually makes it easier. For now though I’m back in the gym and feeling soooo much better and it helps that there are lots of fit men in there.. it opens your eyes.
    We have to remember we are amazing and we are the prize and that it is their loss.

  82. I just posted the other day on how I broke and texted him “Hi” after 5 months of NC. He ended up waiting a day after and then contacting me. We texted for a few days and he acted as if he wanted to get back together. I felt happy and now he has not contacted me in 3 days (he never went more than a day without contacting me when we were together the other two times), so now I feel all miserable again. I haven’t given in and texted him. My best theory is he is now talking to someone else and he may be focusing on them. It’s this back and forth that I can’t stand. I am just so miserable I will take any bit of happiness that I can.

  83. JK,
    My mm used to say we are twins, before I even knew what the term was. I read up on it much later. I think there is something to this. I agree that the wife is the partner here in 3D world but we connected on a higher level. Despite NC, that can’t be erased. Thank you for your understanding!!!

  84. Anna, That is so bizarre. I know all about twin flames. Mm told me that was how he described his connection with me. I read up on it. How I make sense of it all is his wife is his earthly partner and I am his soul partner. It goes beyond the physical being. Our souls are connected. Yep. Lol. To others it may sound like psycho babble, but I get it.

  85. Hi .Anna . Be thankful he has not broke contact. I think they only reach out when you are struggling with the Separation and the NC and you confront them with your pain . I did just that I confronted him he was not happy with the way I did it either . But here’s what he said ( I’m sorry I never meant to hurt you but I didn’t know how to explain I was leaving . I had to try and live my life right ( Guilt he had ) And I want us to keep in touch so take my new number and take care of yourself. That’s what he said . He don’t call me not endless I call him he finally gave me my proper ending to a 8 yr affair ! He is a wonderful man but not for me I done now . I love how you choose to remember your Ex Mm . Hugs .

  86. JK,
    Thank you so much. I don’t think I am an inspiration but I do think I’m ok the right path finally. It had been HARD to get to this place. I consider my mm my twin flame. Don’t know if any of you have read about twins but it is worth reading. They are relationships that set us on journeys to find ourselves. They involve periods of great separation and do not always end in physical union although some can. The purpose is always self love because the twin is part of you. I am at this point where I am turning the focus inward. I carry the love for mm inside me and it is always part of me!

  87. Anna, Since I have been on this site I have followed your story. You and I share very similar experiences including your childhood. Neither mm or I have broke nc. I ran into mm in July at an event. We both looked at each other. While no words were exchanged, I believe the unspoken message was clear we would not talk again. Ending his marriage is not going to happen. I am realistic. Most mm have too much at stake that goes beyond their wife to just walk away. I have accepted this and have let go with love, not hate. You are on the right path and outlook about things and about yourself. Thank you for being an inspiration.

  88. I’ve reached out but he has not broken NC on his end. We were involved twice too and I firmly feel that he’s done this time unless and until he can give me more. Our affair hurt a lot of people and I think it’s too high a price to pay to restart it again. It made me angry and sad, it hurt his wife, it affected our kids. Unfortunately he was not the kind of man who could just leave. This opened up a lot of childhood wounds for me. It has not been easy.
    I do think there are connections that go beyond the physical. My mm was that connection for me. Finally I am now in a place where I accept the NC and send him forgiveness, love and light from my soul with no expectation of anything in return. I am working getting to know myself, and as I give love to myself I feel that I also give that love to him.

  89. Hi Marie . I’m sorry you’re hurting I made the same mistake breaking contact to be only disappointed those know nothing texts say it all .Today marks one year my affair ended Oct 15th. I realize that getting involved with a married man was the worst thing I could have ever done. Myself esteem has definitely has took a hit but I’m be ok ! Seven of years wasted and I only have myself to blame I just decided to let this all go and just get over this . I hope you feel better it really does take along time to recover and finally realize the truth that these married man are using us and when wive find out or they tired of us they ghost us and they don’t feel they owe us nothing which is sad . Hugs

  90. After five months of no contact I broke and texted him “Hi” last night. He replied back with a “hey” and nothing else which shows me he wants nothing to do with me. We actually had two affairs. The first time I was a wreck and miserable when he stopped contacting me. This time I ended it and badly ended it! I broke and talked with him a few times after. It was easier this time but I am just so lonely and my life is just awful and miserable. Even having something wrong to hold onto is better than nothing at all. I suffer from extreme loneliness on top of all this so it hurts me way more.

  91. Hi ladies . Well I been speaking to my Ex Mm off and on and I must admit the friend zone isn’t working out for me . I know it’s wrong to start up with a married man but I do miss what we had the chemistry is not there anymore the connection is lost but I guess that is what to be expected it’s been 10 months if NC the affair has ran it’s course and there is no sense in being in his life ? But I know soon as I start truly letting go he will come around wanting to be in my life and I cannot put my life on hold I done that long enough no more fall back girl . Ladies if you in NC stay there because you ain’t missing out on nothing and the knowledge of knowing you lost what you once had hurts deeply . Keep on moving ladies …….

  92. Anna, that is so great to hear as we are both making progress. Dating has been discouraging to say the least. But once past the disappointment, I am relieved to find out things early on. I am learning to trust my instincts. I had those instincts with mm but everything was so convoluted, I couldn’t distinguish lies from the truth. I remind myself to not second guess men when something doesn’t seem right.

  93. JK,
    Same thing happened to me. I went out the other night, this man started making conversation, buying my dinner and drinks, turns out he was married and traveling on business, looking for some “fun”. He even offered to take me shopping which I found bizarre. I stopped it and went home! There has been growth and maturity for me. I have my morals back. I will no longer entertain a married man, under any circumstances. By the way this isn’t the first time this happened, a married guy also came onto me on vacation. Traveling seems to be a breeding ground for these men to play while away from the wife so watch out at hotel bars. I have yet to meet the right one for me, but I have been on a few dates. I definitely am getting there, but still think of mm quite often. Hugs

  94. There has been no between me and mm all summer and I have avoided places I was likely to see him. As with the changes of the seasons, so am I changing. The lessons I have learned from this experience are carrying forward. I recently met a man and thought wow, finally someone since mm the feeling was mutual and attracted to. After a couple conversations red flags were going off. He is married! Smh, Really ???!!! Another unhappy mm lying and sweet talking another woman. I put the brakes on it immediately. I put him in his place with respect to me, but more so, his wife. I have a sense of moral pride in myself again.

  95. Hi Anna Tricia and all. It’s been a long time since I have posted but heres an update on my life. It’s almost been 9 months since the last time I had any contact with my ex mm. I still think about him and I miss him but I know that maybe what I’m missing is more the connection with someone. Life has gotten easier and I am working on me and my life and I’m getting better. I have my dignity and my morals back and I will never put myself in a situation where either of those will be compromised again. I have been dating and going out and doing what makes me happy. I hope you ladies are doing well too! We should never ever ever settle for being a side chick! And any of you ladies who are in the early days of nc keep it up. You deserve better! Believe in yourself and struggle through the pain it will be worth it in the end! Remember he’s not a good guy… if he’s cheating on her he will eventually cheat on you. It’s not a situation you want to be in. Find a man who will fight for you and love only you. One who doesn’t need to hide you and one who doesn’t go home to another woman! Stay strong ladies and good vibes! 🥰

  96. Hi Tricia thank you for the comments. It’s been almost 2 months of no contact. I do feel all of those things sad, angry, mad and like he just discarded me whenever he felt like it. I also feel like I have no choice but to move on and am coping with it day by day. I don’t feel as bad as I did in the first few weeks of no contact but I still think of him everyday. I’m just going to try to live my best life now and let go of the pain and hurt I feel.

  97. Hi Kat . My Ex Mm ghost me too unfortunately they feel they owe us nothing and the women who do get it wonderful . But honestly speaking it was painful for me too and that is what stop me the fact that whenever he feels he tired he just disappeared on me . I’m almost 12 months out my affair time flies fast I was just like all the ladies here with my emotions mad ,angry sad , crying and just pain feeling used and rejected . But the strange part is my feeling for him didn’t really leave and that makes me mad because I know I deserve better ! But he generally a decent guy but unavailable I just fell in love and got caught up ( Smh ) So we are on speaking terms but it took along time but nothing further the risk is too high . I cannot tell you it get better I think we just learn to cope and deal with the situation and have no choice but to move on . Also I think they wife getting suspicious because they moods change and they sex life change and the wife be in they phone sometimes looking around . My married man wife called me but I don’t answer calls I don’t know nor face time calls . So they go into damage control so they respond to us . But Kat you’ll be ok in time . Ladies Hugs !

  98. For all the other ladies that have been ghosted by there mm how did you get over it? I’m 52 days no contact and have reached out but no response. I go from feeling ok and accepting it all to being mad and angry that he never gave me closure. I know I will NEVER get a response or closure yet he still views every picture I post on Snapchat. If he hates and won’t talk to me he should just delete me or I should just delete him. I’m trying my best to move forward and heal.

  99. Hi Tricia,
    I was angry with him at the end and I said some things and sometimes I worry I drove him off. All that built up hurt came out at the end. I hope he knows I loved him. Anger is a form of hurt. And the affair was very hurtful to everyone. I don’t mean to sound like I’m having a pity party, but it really sucked. I always got the short end of the stick. I’m past it now and can remember the good times we had. I do miss him, but I wouldn’t go back to bring a side chick. I think all of us are better than that. Tricia I’m glad you found friendship and support with your mm and are still staying strong. Hugs.

  100. Hi.ladies! Boy did I go blind getting thru all these post 1,900 ? Laurie Pawilk- Kienlen is there anyway you can delete some of these old post ? It would make it so easier to post new stories . Anyway well I broke and started talking back to my Ex Mm again I don’t know how to just let him go I have deep feelings for him I know it’s not going anywhere and nothing will change I was in N/C for months almost 9. And my feelings for him didn’t change especially when I saw him in person.I don’t call or texts him like I used to stop me wondering when he’ll calling me back and staring at my phone all day . We aren’t intimate as of yet ? Really ladies I don’t know to expect from this I just know him being around me is what makes me happy but we all know the down side of thing’s when they leave and go home to the wife and kids . I read somewhere that if you don’t really understand how your inner workings are it very easy to find yourself with a married man and that is so true . So I looked at some of mine old posts I thought I was doing so well but my brother died in August which made me want to reach out to him and he was there for me he’s my rock and my shoulder to lean on IKR really ? Get over it find somebody else ? It’s not that easy we been off and on for 7 yrs. Anyway I went on long enough ladies Chins Up Positive Vibes ….. Anna I hope your married man reach out to you I do know how it feels not to start the affair again but just to know he as not forgotten you which I’m sure he hasn’t.

  101. It has been over 6 months since I heard from my ex mm. I still think about him, not with anger anymore, I am past that. I don’t think I will ever stop loving him but I know that after all we went through with the affair and all the hurt, he will not contact me unless he is sure he can leave. I would never go back into an affair. I realize now how crazy it made me. I loved him but I hated the situation. It was crazy making. I think it made him miserable too. Just all around unhealthy. Our connection was intense and I feel like if we started talking again we would be too tempted to fall back in. So no contact. I have sent him a few messages with no expectation attached, just to let him know I am thinking of him. I hope all the ladies here are doing well.

  102. Hi Nancy I’m really sorry your having to go through this. Reading through everyone’s comments there really is not one happy ending here! These married men will never leave their wives for us. It is best if you try to end things with him your mental health isn’t worth it. I too was in a bad place a few months ago with a married man as well. My anxiety was extremely high like you said as well. I told him I was done and angry and I never really got a response from him but he needed up ghosting me which really hurt but i have been 51 days no contact and slowly I’m feeling a little better but I was once in that same position you are crying feeling desperate if I didn’t hear from him hanging on to anything until you just have to end it and let it go. I KNOW it hurts but in time you will heal. I’m here for you! Hugs 🤗 also the reply box is all the way at the end of the 1,800 comments if the moderator came move it back up to after 10 comments that would be great!

  103. Hey everyone. I started reading through all the comments on this blog. I feel a sisterhood with you all although I wish I didn’t. I’m deep in the trenches right now. I have been seeing a married man for a year. I left my husband (would have happened anyway) and am now living on my own with little contact from the married man. Was supposed to see me yesterday but had to cancel as per usual. I have tried to end this a few times but he always smooth talks me back in. Always. It has been 24 hours of no contact and I aim to keep it that way. I expect he will reach out. I have done nothing but cry and haven’t eaten in two days. How can I feel better? My anxiety is so high. It always goes down once I hear from him. I need to be done. I bought my own place and moved in a week or so ago. I’m getting used to that plus dealing with this man. There is so much to tell and honestly I could type for hours. Everyone’s storied sound similar to mine. Tale as old as time I guess. Married man never leaves. Mistress discarded.

  104. I still think about a married man that I had TWO affairs with. For some reason this last week I can’t stop thinking about him. I have not seen him in almost six months. I ended the affair the second time around and at first it felt good since I was the one ending it. But then I tryed to get him back and it just backfired. I know I shouldn’t be with him but part of me wants him back.

  105. Uggghh I broke NC too, and I wish I hadn’t. He messaged. It made me feel wanted and confident and like I’d ‘won’… So I replied and we continued texting every day again for a while.
    I felt like I had the high ground before, but now he’s stopped messaging and I’m back to square one and desperate to hear from him. Feel like I’ve lost my dignity and whatever it was that made him want to reach out.

    Don’t break NC ladies.

  106. Kat. 43 days is not that long. It’s been 90 days for me. I changed my email and blocked his phone. I do not stalk him on social media or search other ways to find info out about him/his marriage. I have kept busy over the summer doing things I enjoy and spending time with friends. I Thank God I have not run into him-his wife. I can say I still think of him almost every day and think he may still show up at my door that he has come for me to be together. My wave of emotions fr anger to sadness have leveled off. A song that hits home for me is Silver Springs by Fleetwood Mac. The song is about Stevie Nicks’ and Lindsey Buckingham’s fairytale relationship that would not be. That’s how I look at my situation with mm. I don’t want to choose not to love him and I don’t want to let go what we shared, however I am coming to terms it was not meant to be for us and starting to move forward. Wishing the same for all the ladies posting on this site.

  107. Oh I’m so happy the site has been restored ! I hope all the ladies are well . Anyway quick update I reached out to my Ex Mm 2 weeks ago because I heard some unsettling news about him . Yes he did call me several times only to address things he wanted me to have his new phone number and to have mine why I don’t know because as far as I’m concerned nothing have changed. I don’t even know why I was bothered by this news he ain’t my man no way . So now I’m currently 2 weeks NC again.

  108. Omg the site is back up thank goodness!! The last I left off was in NC and I’m still in NC 43 days now and I’m stilk struggling. Ladies that have been Nac for awhile now please tell me it gets better and things turn around. Hugs 🤗

  109. Hi Sonya,
    I haven’t discontinued this blog, but I did make a few changes that may have disrupted the flow of the conversation. The “Leave a Reply” box appeared at the end of the 1,828 comments – which was too many to scroll through! I’ve changed it, so that the Leave a Reply box appears after 10 comments.

  110. @Allison-it doesn’t sound stupid at all! Be proud of the small victories because in the end it leads to a better quality of life. Like you said-we become consumed by them and over analyze everything. It’s so bad for our mental and physical health. I became so sick for months with mono and being a single mom of 2 little ones I could barely take care of myself. I firmly believe it was from the stress of going through a divorce and then getting myself involved with a mm for 2 years. Never again!

    I’m 2 months NC and yes there are times I miss him but my anxiety has gone down so much and I am more focused on myself and my kids. So yes-celebrate the baby steps! I thought the same thing the other day because he used to be the first thing I would think about in the morning and now I don’t. Hopefully one day we can go days/weeks without them popping in our minds 😊

  111. Allison thanks for your response. About my job – I’ve worked extremely hard to get where I am, have a really rare job with lots of people who rely on me to be in this position, I get paid really well and I’m a single mom so I need my job. I’m not giving up what has taken me 20 years to build up. So no leaving is not something I can or will do. He on the other hand easily could. I actually think he only stays to be in the same building. I’ve made this stupid mess and will likely need to suffer the end of it that I initiate. That’s what I get I guess for being a dumb*ss. I’m sitting with thoughts these days about trust. Do I trust him? Really? No way. I see first hand the deep deception he is capable of. So would I want that permanently in my life? I’d have to be insane to say yes. But I think we get so wrapped up in them and the focus on the relationship turning out that we put total blinders on. We ignore the red flags from day one….

  112. Findingmyway, your situation sounds very similar to how mine was. We were also coworkers and spent every weekday and many evenings together – he became the biggest part of my life. He was all I thought about, and the only person I wanted to see and talk to. I lost interest in everything and everyone else. It was all consuming. It was only once I left that job that we started slowly drifting apart, and now I’ve recently gone NC because I honestly couldn’t take the pain and rejection anymore. Is there absolutely no way you can change job? Like you, I knew I had to extricate myself from the situation – but I wasn’t strong enough to do that whilst seeing him every day. He used to tell me he was serious about leaving, but then gradually “realized” that the financial burden was too much. Which never made sense to me – if you truly love someone, you make it work. Even if that means things are tight for a few years. He has a good job, it’s not like he’s struggling. I would’ve sacrificed anything for him. Surprise surprise, years later and he’s still very much with her. I don’t believe he will ever leave.

    Men really are good at compartmentalizing. Wish I was. It’s taking me a shamefully long time, but for the first time a couple of days ago it had got to around midday before he even crossed my mind. Tiny steps I know, and probably sounds stupid.. but to me it was a mini victory.

  113. Hayley, you are so right!!! they are not worth it!! I WOULD NEVER WANT MY MM AS MY HUSBAND!!! sometimes I look at the wife and think at times, Do you not see it? Do you not feel it? Your intuition isn’t telling you anything?

  114. Tricia,
    It is hard for me to believe it you are so right and sometimes I do think Think he has gotta he cruel to be kind because he can’t do it and we would just keep coming back to the same old reality/cycle starts over. And I was angry at my mm at the end and made some mistakes with him in the end because of that anger & hurt and I know he does not want to face it. Anyway I am sorry you were hurting yesterday girl and hope today is a better day. Hugs

  115. Thank you guys. With NC comes good days and bad days I’m starting to believe he may actually have replaced me already with some new supply and whilst I felt so upset about it the other day today I feel totally different. I think he may be a classic narcissist & I feel sorry for anyone who crosses his path cause if it’s true she will only end up down the same road as me and I would rather someone else be the result of his marriage ending rather than it be me. He said there was only me and would only ever be me and I believed him. Either way I do now wonder if I was on some kind of rotation and when this source of supply runs dry he circles back, it would make sense him yo yoing in and out of my life. I hope to god I have learnt my lesson this time around though as one thing I do know is if it’s true then he never loved me and I want a man who does.
    Stay strong ladies they really aren’t worth it and thank god he’s not my husband. 46 days whoop!

  116. Anna . When I broke NC first I texted him Friday and Saturday he replied back ( Damn Really ?) So read what you want in that I got pissed and delete everything. But I wanted body language and to see his face so I went to his office he sat there smiling from ear to ear ( like what ? ) I don’t think he really took me seriously or cared ? I was going to bare my soul but he wasn’t alone which was probably good because honestly I think I would have went back to being the crumb eater and waiting for my turn again. You told Bells Paws truth no expectations and your feelings my get hurt . But really my Ex Mm was good to me we never argued we laugh all the time had good times he was my rock and my soft spot but he didn’t know how to leave maybe he thought he was sparing my feeling ? I don’t know ? I told him he was a coward and ghosting is for kids who can’t find the proper words to end the relationship. Anna your married man was a true romantic loves notes most men don’t do .I believe in a letter since you take the time to write them you bare your soul more because chances are you never say those things in person or over the phone . I’m saying your married man most of had some genuine true feeling for you I know it’s hard to believe that because the way it ended but there’s a little truth in every lie . .

  117. Yes, Anna that is my biggest fear too- that his response will be cold and indifferent. I really wouldn’t be able to bear that. I am not going to send my letter or any letter ever, I have decided. I will cut my hands off before I contact him. What you said has helped me too, Anna: no response is a response that speaks volumes to me and pretty much tells me everything I need to know. My MM was also a master at expression and the use of language , he was always able to offer just the right words at just the right time, that never failed to hit the spot every time. When words could have been so meaningful and powerful and he could have salvaged and soothed the pain so easily with a few carefully chosen words that he was so good at, they didn’t come. This was partly why I hoped and very slightly expected that he’d reach out: he knew I was hurting and, if he cared, he and only he could have written words to soothe, not to rekindle or drag me back into things, but simply to understand and show he cared. He choose not to and that tells me a lot.

    Tricia, you poor thing, we want so badly to be able to turn to them when we are down, when we are up too, just to have them there and share our life with them. Instead its a cold vacuum .

    Kat, it IS horrible. There is no way around it, you just have to ride it out.

  118. This might be an overgeneralization but men are excellent at compartmentalizing. Women are horrible at it. That is why we struggle and they seemingly handle it pretty well. Just a comment related to the many many posts on here about how unbelievable it is to many that they can go on for so long and do nothing. I have another comment or maybe a request for advice. I’m really really struggling to extricate myself. He swears and always has from the very first few months this started he was serious and going to leave. He has never said otherwise. He has done some things positive and negative in that direction. I’m just so so torn. I just can’t leave but I just can’t stay. We work together and are very much a part of each other’s day and many evenings but never weekends or holidays unless opportunity arises. It’s a mess. I’ve gotten myself into a huge stupid mess. I can’t leave my job either. I’ve tried to distance myself. Even set up an online profile with the intention of trying to meet other men. But I always chicken out. Fundamentally I can’t move on until I’ve ended this. I guess I need to set my own deadline and stick to it. Every time we talk he is adament his plans remain the same…. But something always gets in the way. These things though have been really huge life altering events so I feel like adding a divorce into the mix at that time would have been impossible. But I can’t continue this way. What the heck am I going to do.

    1. Trying to be patient

      I am in a very similar situation! You could be telling my story. My mm who I’ve been with for over 3 years finally took the step and moved out after I broke it off. You would think I would feel better but I actually feel worse. He veiled his leaving as a “break” but has been doing more things with wife and kids then he’s ever done in the years since I’ve known him. All under the assumption that it’s for the kids .. try to get them adjusted and used to him being gone. They are teenagers.. I’ve said you can and need to build a relationship with them without their mom. I get the same answer .. just be patient .. the plan is the same. I too have created online profile but deleted. I just think I would fall into the same pattern unless I fix me. That’s a hard pill to swallow too.

  119. Tricia I’m sorry your feeling this way. I understand when you say you feel like you need him for support right now. I have been there. When I feel like that I cry it out and tell myself the feelings with subside they won’t last forever. I also understand your feelings in your comment to bells paws. I felt like my mm threw me away like trash too and was ghosted and feel completely hurt to. They are the ones with the issues not us. We have done nothing wrong but love them for in return to be treated like trash. I can’t stand the rejection either it hurts. I hope you start to feel better.

  120. Tricia,
    What happened when you broke NC and saw your mm face to face?
    I’ve had fantasies of going to my mm office but my dignity don’t let me and I’m also scared of how he might react and I don’t know if I could face that.
    As far as writing, you know, my mm fancied himself a writer and wrote me many letters while we were together. You would think he would be the one to write me now. But he hasn’t.
    Bells Paws, if writing him is cathartic for you then do it.. just don’t attach any expectation to it bc then it will be like a new hurt if he doesn’t reply.

  121. Hello ladies . I’m feeling really down today I’m going thru so much personal stuff . Just when I’m feeing better after 9 months the affair ending I feel like I need him right for moral support he was always there when I had hard times I feel so alone now his office is not far I’m fighting this hard ! I wish he was here needing a friend .

  122. Bells paw . I did reach out after 5 months NC ! I try not do it did just like you wrote letters and never send them but what I really wanted to do is talk to him face to face but I knew he wouldn’t give me that opportunity. And my heart was in so much pain I didn’t care about him knowing I wanted him to know just how much he has hurt me and he was wrong for ghosting me when he couldn’t been honest . Yes the truth it was over or whatever would hurt me but what killed me is the rejection I felt and feeling like old trash . No it didn’t change nothing but at least he knew what he done to me . I think really there’s nothing with telling them because if the shoe was on the other foot he’ll tell you in a NY minute !! Hugs ladies !

  123. Hi ladies it’s been 14 days of NC and I still feel horrible. I have reached out but he won’t respond to me which hurts really bad. I should really just block or delete him. Like anonymous said why do they get to live there best lives with there wives or with other women. While we are left with hurt and turmoil. That’s how I feel too. I definitely should not look back and keep moving and try to live my best life too. I hope everyone is doing good. Here is my email if anyone wants to talk.

  124. Hi Ladies!!!hows everyone doing…hope all is well…hayley do not feel bad at all…Im still curious to see what the wife post on facebook…but I refuse to re-add her…I just wanna be at peace…

    Also, I do believe some of the married men do love us…mine in particular, I think he actually does, because it took
    him a couple years to say it….but at the end of the day, these men are married…Im done with mine btw…Im just tired of it all…why does he get to live his best life with his wife…while Im going through emotional turmoil on the inside?!?! time for me to live my best life, and Love myself to the moon and back…instead of loving a MM that much…he doesnt deserve my love or his wife’s love…deceiving us both…

    anyway…Happy Sunday!!! much love to you all!!

  125. Hi Saz,
    We can’t get into our mm heads so it is impossible to know if they truly loved us or not. I have spent countless hours replaying and ruminating over everything he said and did to me trying to figure it out and I’m tired. At some point you have to accept that no response is a response. Actions speak volumes. Maybe he did really love me in his own way, or love how I loved him & made him feel. But he seemed to be able to move on quite easily. For me personally i am trying to surrender to the idea that it’s over which means accepting any possible outcome (including that he may not have truly loved me) rather than to keep holding on tightly. If I am wrong then time will tell.

  126. What many of us on this site seem to have struggled with, and which seems to only compound all the other hurts and grievances, is the ending: no answers, complete cut off, no feelings from the MM. They smoothly move on, unhurt and without looking back. We are the ones left with all the pain and feelings. I certainly have struggled with this greatly and its one thing that has made it so hard for me to move on- there is no closure or resolution, no chance to air thoughts and feelings and so many unanswered questions.

    This is another way these MM control us and the situation- at the end they deny us the chance of self expression and to hold them to account for their actions and the consequences of their actions. I have written so many letters since NC to my MM, spent hours and hours editing and ‘perfecting’ them to say exactly what I want to say to him and how to say it and there is so much I want to say. Of course, I’ve never sent them. But I’m now wondering whether it might do us good to send one post ending letter, to let them know what we have to say. I don’t intend to attack him at all, and I know nothing will come of it- I probably still won’t get any answers or relief but it may be satisfying and empowering just to have the chance on my terms to say what I want to say; to let him know he has taken my love and hurt me etc. Part of me wants to maintain my pride and dignity and I think this may be better done by not letting him know how much he hurt me and a letter now, after 3months NC, will show him that I’ve not moved on, but part of me thinks a letter might be cathartic. I was wondering what are people’s thought on this?

  127. I agree totally with Saz, I believe based on the years of time I spent with my MM the things he did for me, the ways he was there for me through many of my crisis, emergencies, ect that he does love me, but in a sense its totally irrelevant for many reasons, first of all, he is MARRIED, and his first allegiance is to his wife. It does not matter how unhappy he is with her, how much he may no longer be attracted to her, how much her conduct bothers him, none of that matters, he is not going to leave her and he is going to try to get her NOT to leave, and that is seperate from how they may or may not feel about us. For many of these mm they simply have too much to lose and its not just financial issues although that plays a part, its their reputation with their families especially their children and grandchildren if there are grandchildren, its extended family, its long term friends, its business associates, if they are apart of a church its the seperation of the church, its really very difficult and I am not excusing them at all, I am just stating the facts, many of them realize that they will be totally ostrazised and a pariah so while they may care or even love us, they dont love us enough to give up their entire life, so this is why only 4-5 percent actually leave and my gut instinct is that many would have left anyway even if they were not involved in another relationship, we know for a fact that they arent leaving for us. So, with all that said, it would seem that we hav two choices, deal with being a mistress and side chick where we get the crumbs of their life or move on and learn to build a relationship with God who can fill that void and/or develop through therapy self esteem and confidence so we know that we do deserve better than THIS and begin to slowly look for an available single man who can really care for us and love us the way we should be loved.

  128. Hey ladies,

    I’ve been reading your comments on here regarding the MM never loving us. I honestly think every situation is different. Some of the stories i’ve read, it does sound like the MM did really care about you but was too cowardly to leave the wife. Others I agree, the MM was just using us. For example, at first i used to work with my MM so saw him everyday but after leaving work I only ever heard from him once a week, sometimes not even that. When he would get in touch, it would be to arrange for us to meet. If he really cared about me, he would want to speak to me often right? It’s obviously all about sex for him.

    So yeah I guess some of them do actually fall in love and sadly some are just using us. The outcome however will always be the same – they will never leave their wives.

  129. Hi Bells Paw. Well said and all so true and really sad and I’m using Anna words very tragic in the end. My Ex Mm did reach out but I realize there was no sense in going back for what to start the cycle all over again ? It’s been 9 months of NC and 5 months since I last saw him it was good to see him again but I looked at him smiling all at me and said to myself { this is the same man who left me without a word after he told me repeatedly that we’re all good and I have nothing to worry about } I can’t trust him anymore. I hope Bells that you find some peace and happiness and recover from all this . Hugs ladies.

  130. Bells Paws,
    It’s okay and I think you are very correct in your conclusions. I have also come to the same conclusions and it is helping me to move forward. I am convinced that reframing the way we perceive these men is a big step in healing. We have to visualize them as such when the inevitable thoughts come. They are not the romantic lovers we thought we knew and their words were fake. They simply do not care about us – if they did they’d prove it.

  131. Bell Paws

    Of course I know: he has never reached out and I believe he never will.

    I love your past post! They are soothing and assuring (that letting go and NC are the best decisions). We learnt the brutal truth through time and distance.

    It’s been 6 months of NC.

    I’m still thinking of the affair everyday.

    Enough is enough, why are we ill treating ourselves? They have cut us off and moved on. How do I get rid of the sadness and heartache…

  132. Hi ladies so I had a video chat appointment today with a psychiatrist I told him how I have had a background already of anxiety and depression and I told him about my mm and he said I have anxiety and depression with atypical symptoms of rejection and he thinks I would benefit from psychodynamic therapy where I can talk more about my issues with my mm and moving on. Hayley it’s ok I still check around on my mm too I think it’s normal. When I do it I do it because I wonder how he is or what he’s doing because I haven’t spoke with him but I also think at some point I should try to stop and let myself move on. I’m on 10 days of NC I’m still sad and hurt but I want to get better and be ok from this.

  133. Hi ladies,
    Many of us here have had similar experiences. We believed we had something special with our MM, that they cared and felt something deep for us and that it was genuine; if it wasn’t for ‘circumstances’ then they would be with us. We are then left with all the confusion, so many unanswered questions and so much hurt at the end, while they carry on with their lives with so much apparent ease and indifference.

    I believed this for a long time: I believed my MM loved me, that he wanted to be with me, that it was true, just circumstances prevented it. But you know what, I don’t believe this is true anymore. I don’t want to upset anyone, but I don’t believe they ever genuinely cared for us, or certainly not in the same way we cared for them, we were not that ‘special ‘ to them. They WANTED us to believe this and they fed us words to make us believe it, they fed into our psyches so that we would believe this and this was so we’d keep giving and being there for them , believing ‘WE’ were meant to be. But all along, they are playing a game, feeding us empty words to keep us hooked. The truth is, they don’t care, or not that much, they won’t, can’t and don’t want to leave their marriages and families. They want to stay in their current situations, they will not ever and don’t want to give it all up and they NEVER will. But what they like for us, is having us on the side to give them unending love, adoration , appreciation and affection that makes them feel great , but that is all it is, its nothing more to them. They know exactly what they are doing all along. My MM knew how much I adored him, he knew I’d do anything and he also knew he would never leave his current situation. He just fed me enough crumbs (the bare minimum, a few words) to keep me hooked and hanging on so he could get a shot of love and adoration on his terms and on his time scales but it was never ever anything more to him. He even said once it was all a bit ‘silly’ what we were doing, how silly to even contemplate anything more, it was just a fling.

    The reason they are able to NC at the end so easily is simply because they never cared that much in the first place, they got as much out of the situation as they could, they strung us along for as long as possible and we played along with it, taken in by their words and occasional attention, but the moment things change and they know we have seen light then they run, the draw bridge comes up and they want nothing more to do with us, we are now a risk and a potential problem. They don’t want to face it, the repercussions, to see our hurt, to be held responsible, for the truth to come out and expose their lies and games. At that point, the second it becomes an inconvenience or is looking potentially ‘dangerous’, alarm bells ring and its all over for them. Because they never had true deep feelings to begin with they are very easily able to cut off.

    For so long I thought to myself, if he cared, he’d reach out, one day, he must reach out, he WILL, he’d want to know how I’m doing, he’d be concerned. But, but you know what, he has never reached out and I believe he never will. The simple reason is because he never cared that much in the first place. He got what he could out of it, but then once, once he felt i was genuinely hurt and upset, then it was over for him, end of, bam, he wanted out, clean and quick.

    Selfish, cowardly and con men. That’s what they are.

  134. HI Hayley . No your not stupid for looking at his social media honesty I think it’s normal even thou we know we shouldn’t. But you been with your married man for 14 yrs !!! That love you felt for him doesn’t go away because we wish it too they as long as we been with a man it take half that to recover from the relationship ? You are a strong woman you give good support and advise to us ladies here it does not matter how many times you fall as long as you get back up and keep on moving and you have done that . We will never know if we have been replaced or it they had real genuine feelings for us it just will drive you crazy trying too figure it all out . Just stay positive and keep on moving girl ! You Ok ! Been There . Just enjoy the moment and don’t put no pressure on yourself !

  135. Hayley,
    Don’t be so hard on yourself. We are all tempted to look at their social media and wonder what they are doing, no it’s not good for us but it is a normal curiosity. I have done this too. I figure he’s looking for new prey. Unfortunately we know what they are capable of. One thing that’s been working for me is to reframe the way I think about mm. I had this huge tendency to romanticize him. I have to really stop that and start thinking of him as a dangerous spiritually bankrupt person who didn’t care about me at all. Who actually didn’t care if I hurt. While this may sound radical I think this is helping somewhat.

  136. Tammy, it has to be very hard to share your story but thank you. It has helped me get somewhat back on track and realize that these men are just simply cheaters and most likely narcissists. I have been revisiting Quora, a site that I read frequently right after the breakup happened. I find that for me it helps to read just a few posts a day from there to stay strong. I would recommend it to the ladies here if you have not tried it, it is very good reading material. I do not post there but just read.
    It’s crazy but I have walked away from people for a fraction of what this mm did to me and forgotten about them in a fraction of the time, but this relationship is not like any of those others were. It’s like he held up a mirror to me and reflected back to me everything I ever wanted in a relationship, except for him being married of course! I wasted years on this person and both times we broke up it took so long to get past it, more wasted time. Almost a decade thrown away, people hurt, and for what – he knew the outcome all along.

    Been there, I also have started dating someone over the past few weeks. I hadn’t been dating in a few months, but I met someone unexpectedly through friends and he called me up and asked me out. It is nice because I hate online dating and kind of gave it up and this is someone I already knew so it was good. He is also handsome, smart, respectful and single! It has been so nice to just go out without having to hide or feel used. No telling where it will go but it has been a breath of fresh air and nice to just get out and be normal after mm.

    Stay strong everyone!

  137. oh ladies I need some words of encouragement I’ve suddenly started struggling. I’m roughly day 42 of NC was going strong then knowing he is on holiday I started to check him online activity and he’s constantly online even though he’s with his wife which know makes me think it’s my replacement.
    Why am I looking?? Why am I bothered?? I know I need to stop looking but it’s hard now I’ve started.
    I still won’t break contact though it just hurts to think he may have replaced me already and doesn’t think about me at all now. He told me there was only ever me but they lie so easily don’t they. Please tell me I’m stupid. I need a kick. I thought I was getting over it obviously not!! Help. And I guess the fact that he’s constantly online when he’s on holiday speaks volumes on the state of his marriage!! It’s pretty obvious there’s someone else like someone commented below but god this hurts to know.

  138. Been there…I am thrilled for you n I too am recovering n yes, there are always others n they will continue to have more!!! I am getting through my pain of being deceived n so forth n also reminded myself as I made an appointment to get a STD panel done That he’s a loser that fooled me along wt my entire family n friends since he supposed left his wife to be wt me!! I broke it off wt him several times in 4 yrs n kept returning wt I love n want to marry you scam!! I am asked out often but now I can say yes, it still hurts but I really feel sorry for him in so many ways, he will never have anything real in life!! I am starting to make the life I want n it starts wt forgiving myself for being fooled by a narcissistic liar!! Happy for you!!! 😘

  139. Despite the pain we feel, I’m inspired by all of your strength through these experiences. I wanted to share my ‘upward journey’ moment… I’m really on about 10 days NC and am about to go out on my second date tonight with an amazing man I’ve just met. A single man!! He’s smart, funny, gorgeous, age appropriate, divorced, a parent of teen boys and he’s RESPECTFUL!
    It’s so early days but it’s shown me that there is life after chaos. All of the hurt I felt and still feel, can start to be erased.
    We broke up April 2018… it’s been the worst year of my life and I’ve continued contact with a narcissist who never felt a thing for me after 3 years ‘togdther’. I even found out last Monday there were other women when we were together. It didn’t hurt to learn that, it didn’t shock me and it cemented everything I now know about him.

    Wish me luck, date #2 beckons Thursday night :)

  140. Hi anonymous yea the whole time we were talking I would always call him out about how I thought he was talking with other girls. I even told him that he was probably cheating on me to. He would always say no. I do believe some of his feelings were real and genuine but in the end they have nothing to offer us. It’s probably too much to get up and leave there wives and family so there content with the way it is and cheating on the side. I feel bad for his wife like everyone has said. Either they don’t know at all or they do and turn a blind eye. Today is day 8 of NC and I find it hard to pass the time during the days. I only work part time so I have a lot of time but I started walking again and I want to try yoga. I was thinking of getting a 2nd job too all to try to stay busy to not think of him and the situation. It dosnt help he works in my and it’s a small town so sometimes driving through I see him driving. Nothing good comes from these situations nothing at all. Not one happy ending here. Stay positive ladies.

  141. Kat, honestly, I believe they ghost us for other women…its easier said then done…but try to move on from his fatass…you’re a 28 year old baddie, with a bright future ahead of you…dont waste your years on a total loser…Think of it this way, if you were his wife, he would be cheating on you too…

    I didnt see it before, but I see it now…we are the lucky ones!!! We get to move on, and know exactly what signs of cheating to look for…their wives have to deal with their husbands cheating for as long as they chose to…

    I used to think the wife was sooooo luckly!!! But she’s not…

  142. Tammy my heart sank when I read your post. I can’t believe he could do something so awful and not feel like a total a$$hole. It’s shocking. I know you will get through this. Don’t feel sleazy. He’s the total and complete dirtbag. You did nothing wrong but love a man who didn’t deserve you! I hope that anything he has at your home you will throw right in the garbage and never ever look back. If it were me I would burn it all! I am sending you the strength to recover from your hurt and I am praying for you. Hugs 🤗

  143. Patricia Hetherington

    Hi Tammy. Your story sadden me. But from what you say about him it sound like he have a sex addiction / low self worth ? I think his wife probably was the one who left him she couldn’t take it anymore and reached her breaking point with him. You just proved the point that we ladies really don’t know these men we only see what they want us to see and know. You probably just got a glimpse of what the wife went thru ? You really dodged a bullet with him as painful as it is it probably could have been worst ? I hope you recover from this you deserve so much better . Please don’t loose faith in men not all men have deep seeded issues their are wonderful men out there . Thank you for sharing your story I hope I didn’t sound harsh or judgemental toward you because that was not my intentions. Stay Strong .

  144. Tammy, I agree with you 110%!!! It was hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I might not be the only one…but now that Im starting to hate him, I believe their are more…I think Im starting to love myself more and see my worth….cuz Im just disgusted my him now…Im seeing how greedy and selfish he is…..I can do so much better alone…

    I dont know what it is…Im feeling like I never want to see him again!!! Ever!!! Him and dumb naive wife…

  145. Leigh-Ann, Tricia thank you for the positive messages. Today is Monday 7 days no contact. I have reached out but he won’t respond to me. This is my answer by him not responding. I just don’t get it how they can shut you out. I guess I’m more upset that I got no explanation. When exactly one week ago on Monday I said I was done and the crumbs weren’t enough and he said it was up to me and that night he said that he didn’t say he wanted to stop. And ghosting me all these days really hurts. It’s on Snapchat I see when he reads them then dosnt reply. I know many of you ladies have said your mm just cut you off like that too without any explanation and that leaves us with questions and hurt. Once we say we want more that’s when they dump us. I am wasting my time on a man I can never have and a cheating man. Probably chatting with other women. I’m young I’m 28 and I’m pretty and a sweet girl and he’s 39 and fat so for him to dump me is hurtful I should be the one dumping him.

  146. Hi Anna thank you for the kind message. Today is Sunday 6 days NC and I felt a little better but then middle of the day I keep thinking about it and get sad and feel like how could he do this to me. I’m trying to get out more and think he has his miserable life or at least I think it’s miserable with his wife. I keep thinking if he’s talking with any other women he’s just going to do the same thing to them and in the end he has nothing to offer me. He wasn’t going to change his situation. I pray that I will make it through. Thank you for the positive vibes and message hugs xo

  147. Anna, Leigh Ann, Tricia, Hayley and all,

    It has been 6 months of NC and entering the 7th in Sep. I still think about him everyday and wondering is this it?
    He could email me or call my office no but he hasn’t reach out. For the past 6 mths, has he found a new understanding and low-maintenance lover? I am still feeling the hurt, sadness and disappointment. But I rather not bump into him or hear about him.

    Sending positive vibes to all strong ladies here. For those who are still in deep in the addiction, you need to decide and stick to your decision. It is normal to fall off the wagon but don’t give up and don’t sway, keep forgiving yourself and keep trying. Time will tell. Time will prove to you that it is nothing but a fantasy.

  148. Anonymous, Leigh Ann n everyone; My story is even more saddening n I’ve not posted for over a week cause I found his old phone in my garage in a box of his stuff n I plugged it in. You know he left his wife for me he says n life was going well I thought n he left his working phone by accident at my house n I saw that he was cheating but after looking at his old phone which he doesn’t realize I have it’s so disgusting!!! He was literally leaving or coming to my house after having sex wt other women, meeting strangers from tinder for hook ups while house sitting for me!! He’s texting his buddies daily to meet him at twin peaks to check out the girls but calling me every evening after work saying he was still at work n then come over an hour later after twin peaks, I had no idea!! THere were naked pics of girls in his phone that he was trying to hook up wt but didn’t know n naked pics of himself too!! He was texting me good morning sexy along wt several other girls!! I don’t know how he even had time to work honestly!! I had no clue!! My friends n family are as shocked as I am, just dumbfounded!! Ladies you are not the only one!!! It’s not like we were married I tried to break it off several times through the 4 yrs n even stated after he left his wife he may needed a period on his own but no he stated he loved me!! His old phone goes back 2 yrs n the cheating was just his lifestyle n I am sure it was before me obviously!! He didn’t need to be wt me, he could have dated others but he kept me cause it was a game n I was comfort!! Ladies I am telling you, you are not the only one he’s seeing n chatting up!! He sees that he seeing you n cheating on his wife n getting away wt it so why not add more!! Ego n power trip wt thrills too!! Please, please ladies get out n move in after the hurt…I am hurting now to along wt wasting 4 yrs, I am humiliated and I feel so sleazy but he’s the one that is the disgusting sleaze!! I am sure this week he’s even finding more girls!!! Love to you all but please read my story, they are all players!!!!

  149. Hi Anna. I’m glad you are feeling better. I too feel the way you did. When mm broke it off with me I could barely get out of bed! But here I am 7 months later and like you I feel like I have walked through the fire and now I can make it through anything. I still think about mm and I must admit I actually cried about him yesterday. It threw me for a loop. I think it’s because I’m away on holidays and staying in a hotel and when mm came to town he stayed in a hotel and we would hang out there sometimes. But then I tell myself no! He’s a lying cheating dirtbag who threw you away. Threw you away for stuff and to keep up a front. But the heart wrenching pain has long subsided!

    Kat, I know it hurts so bad now. But time and distance helps. It’s so hard in the beginning it’s like having a band aid ripped off in the worst way. But like any wound it will heal. You deserve better than a man who is cheating and like you said if he’s cheating with you who knows if there are others. Be kind to yourself. You will make it and the only way to make it fully is through total nc. The ladies here are a great source of strength and comfort. Be strong 💪🏻 you can do it!

  150. HI Kat . It good that you are socializing and putting yourself out there do whatever it takes to make yourself happy . It will be times when you what to reach to him it’s normal we want them to miss us but remember all the pain and stress he has caused you remember there is no future and your just wasting your time investing in a man who will never be yours . That is what kept me stay NC yes my married did reach out but it was no sense in going back for what ? Allow yourself to grieve and feel everything it ok you will get thru this you got this ! Positive Vibes .

  151. Hi Tricia I can relate to what your saying about if your mm let you go for another women. I think it’s normal to have those thoughts given the situation. I was always calling out my mm if he was talking to others. After all they are cheating on there wives with us so who’s to say there not cheating on us with other women. I always had tons of anxiety about that to. It’s been 5 days NC and it’s so hard. I’m talking with 2 other guys I met online as a distraction and one of them wants to meet me tomorrow but idk if I’m ready for that. And the other one I been talking to everyday. I don’t think either of them will necessarily work out but for the time being they can be a distraction for me. It’s hard because my mm works In the town I live in so I drive down a main road in town and I look over and see his car at his work. Or I see him around town driving. Like he happened to be driving behind me on Tuesday and he kept looking out his side window he wouldn’t face me. When he knows that was me in front of him and I was upset and he was ignoring me.

  152. Hi Kat,
    When my mm first cut me out of his life, it was brutal. He quit social media and cut off all other avenues of communication like I was nothing, it was total self preservation on this part. It threw me into a depression like I had never known before. I have struggled my whole life with depression and anxiety but this was worse than anything I had ever known before. He broke up with me in November and I have horrible memories of the holidays that year – being so sick in bed and thinking I would never recover. I thought it would never end. And it took a long time to get over it, but I eventually did get past that horrible pain. It is different now, even though I think about him all the time, I have not cried over him in a long time. Maybe this has hardened me to an extent, I’m not sure… this is always with me and become a part of me and shaped the way I look at other people and the world, and I still have trouble processing what happened and have questions, questions, questions…. but in a way, I also now feel like I’ve walked through the fire, like I can go through almost anything now. I don’t know if any of the other women on this site feel this way, but that’s been my experience…. the massive pain you are feeling now WILL go away, i promise you that. You will get through this, there will be brighter days ahead, you will smile again. The ladies here will always support you. Sending you strength!

  153. HI Kat . I been there we all have . Having the married man cut us out his life is very painful you go through all kinds of mixed emotions you second guess your thoughts his thoughts it’s crazy ! I’ve been out my affair for 9 months wow time go by fast . It was very hard for me too even thou I’m all cried out I don’t daydream of him like I use to but it does get better no you will ever forget him and what you had and shared but you will recover from this . The 1 thing now hanging on in my mind now is he probably let me go not because of guilt or to be faithful to his wife but because of another woman? That’s what I’m in the process of letting go . I told you it’s crazy ! But if you think about Kat we all knew the end was coming women intuition you feel and that’s what make us desperate towards the end and we want him to prove he still care for us because we feel the distance. I know probably nothing I say makes you feel better but do know has hard as this is and it (SUCK ! ) you will come through all this pain look at it as a learning experience and this too shall pass . Hugs stay strong !

  154. I have basically hit rock bottom. The last few messages I sent him he’s just opened them and not replied. It’s been 4 days of nc and I feel absolutely horrible. Him not answering is basically his response that he’s done. I feel completely devastated and can’t stop crying. It’s hard for me to make it through the days. I feel like I’m going crazy in my own head and am getting shaking anxiety I feel like I’m in a crisis. Please tell me this gets better. I come here for support and that I’m not alone in feeling like this and that it will get better.

  155. Hi Bells Paws,
    My mm actually did lead me to believe we would have a future by telling me we belonged together, that we would be together “one day”, and implying he would leave his wife.. he also spent hours talking to me every night, making me wonder what kind of marriage it was. Where was she that he could sit and talk to me like that? They seemed disinterested in each other and more like roommates. But yet he wasn’t able to pull away. It makes me so angry that I gave so much of myself and was a third wheel in this situation. But at that point I was hooked into him. Love bombing is powerful…. I really feel like I helped him get what he needed and then when I needed something he cut and ran, too cowardly to do anything but continue living his safe little life. And it hurts. It is normal to want reciprocity in a relationship. I always tried to give, give, give, but the minute I needed something from him, it blew up. I know now that not ever to expect anything from a mm no matter what they say. Don’t ever believe their words, ever… actions are the only thing that matter. For the ladies here who are in a love bombing stage or still involved with a mm and trying to figure out how to break away, ask yourself if you can handle a one sided relationship, and if the answer is yes, then continue and enjoy the time you have.
    don’t ask for more because mm can’t and won’t give it. However know that in doing this you are undermining yourself. Think about what this means. Is any man worth this? If not then get out now before it destroys you because it most likely will. If you are on this site there is a reason. Not one happy ending here. I do not say this with judgment because I was there. I spend a lot of time now with my daughter, read, hang out with friends, travel when I can. I am trying to work on myself and reinvent myself. This site is the only place is the only place I talk about mm and I’m grateful to all of you for being my sounding board. Hugs to everyone. we can all do this, we are strong. <3

  156. Hi Leigh Ann, Im responding to your post from august 2nd,….and OMG!!! I used to think the same EXACT thing!!! I thought she won, and I lost…I thought she was so lucky…this is because of the pictures I saw on social media…and how people gushed over their relationship, every single thing they posted got 100+ likes….people would comment “what love looks like”, “power couple”, “You guys are perfect”, “my favorite couple”, and so much more…

    Omg something he did the other day…I was so shocked!!! Im like isnt she in the other room…I dont want to say it here…email…so yeah, I agree with you, these wives are not so lucky…they deserve better and so do we…

  157. Tammy, I settled for a jerk as well, for almost 4 years….my story is some where in these comments…I haven’t commented in a while, but Ive been reading the post…What’s helping me to move on, is unfollowing his wife on social media…she can have her cheating husband and her picture perfect social media life….I just got tired of it…no ones life is that perfect…smh..she started to annoy me…because I actually know whats going on behind the scenes….we would like to believe we are on the only ones he cheats with to make ourselves feel special…but if he could lie to his beautiful wife that he lives with, he can surely lie to us….Honestly, I would not be surprised to hear that in the future that he gets caught for cheating, I just get weird feeling something is about to blow up in his face…his life seems to be going downhill…parts of me have no sympathy for him at all…I say to myself to you had it coming….

    lately, he keeps telling me he loves me…its time for me to block him…go love your wife…leave me alone…

  158. Thanks Anna.
    It sounds very similar to my situation with my MM and thanks for sharing. ‘As long as I was sexy, adoring and compliant things were fine’- that was so me too! ‘It was when I started needing him to reciprocate a little more that things became a problem. I was going through a lot of stress at the end and I wanted him to be there for me a little more.’- that was me as well! He was only available in office hours, after 5pm he switched his phone off/ didn’t answer it until 9am the next day, even though he knew what I was going through at the time.
    I totally agree with your comments about what makes you so angry, and it’s the same for me. He has been married for 25 yrs and has a family. If he chooses not to give all that up, I can only accept and respect it. But like you, I am angry that if that is his decision which he made very clear to me and himself over and over again, then why did he pursue things with me and keep stringing me along, knowing I was investing in it emotionally and was developing strong feelings etc. This is what makes me so cross. And it is why now at the end, when it has all been for nothing, I’m the one left with all the feelings, pain and hurt, it was all for nothing all along. I know he didn’t feel any real heart wrench at the end, he has his great happy family, kids, big house, great fulfilling job and very active social life. I’ve been so distraught for so long because of this break up, its really shaken my world up and has made me question all notions of love and reality…

    Its so unnatural and unhealthy to be involved in a relationship where one side only gets about 5%. But if ever we speak out or complain or ask for more, the reaction is like we’ve committed a crime, asked the impossible and how dare we ? So I then began to feel guilty and told myself just to enjoy the crumbs, remember my place, don’t want or expect more. Its so humiliating and disrespectful.

  159. HI JK, I know you’re right. If I had to guess I think he is relieved the choice was made. Although I think his relationship with his different it affords him a secure life and that is what he chose, I have to accept it and move on! I am changing jobs and have had the last two weeks off and another two weeks before I start my new job, I am very career oriented and am not used to having this much time off so the downtime has given me time to think about him. Im going into yet another new phase of my life and hoping to buy a new house, lots of changes on the horizon. I also started dating someone. It’s very new, not serious yet but at least it’s a start. I think you’re right we do need to focus on inspiring each other and try to stop the ruimination. Positive thoughts going out to all the ladies here. We can do this.

  160. We haven’t talked in 2 days and I feel so crazy I feel like it’s obvious to my family that something is up. I told my mom back in February when I ended it that time but felt too sad and crazy without him that I went back and she didn’t know. Anyways these past 2 days I been anxious irritable and she knows I’m feeling depressed but didn’t know it’s because of him but she asked me if I was talking to him again and I lied and said no. I feel like I’m having a breakdown/crisis now. Like everyone says it’s like your addicted going through a withdrawal that’s how I feel and like I can’t hide my sad emotions. I’m so scared to start moving on because I feel so heartbroken and sad without him but I have no other choice. Sorry for the rant.

  161. This forum changed its name from How to Let Go of a Married Man to 5 Ways to Overcome Your Obsession With a Married Man. That speaks loudly. We ladies need to look at those 5 ways. Rehashing the what if’s or shoulda, coulda, woulda is not doing us any good. It’s time to refocus and inspire each other to let go (step 5) and move forward and recreate our precious life (step 4). We ladies got this!

  162. Anna, I heard the same things fr my mm. He felt our love was that of soulmates vs what he shared with his wife. If you want, google the definition of a soulmate. Frankly it left me more confused if soulmates share such an intense bond. It doesn’t change the outcome he chose to stay in his existing life. If I think about it I get angry about the whole situation. I don’t want to know anything, whether his marriage has improved or if he’s married and miserable. I am truly trying to focus on myself now and living a righteous life. Someone else posted the feeling of an emmense weight lifted from the emotional roller coaster, the pain/ heartache, the tears, the secrets.
    When it all came out in the open when wife found out, mm was backed in a corner. He was forced to make a decision. Maybe in the end mm is glad the decision was made for him.

  163. Anna it’s ok I feel the same way like I will never get over it either. I was so fed up with my mm I blew up on him on Monday that I wasn’t happy he dosnt make time for me and I couldn’t do it anymore and all his responses were that he’s sorry but yet he can never meet up with me or anything just a few messages here and there. We didn’t talk at all yesterday and he was even driving behind me yesterday by chance and every time I looked in my rear view mirrors he kept looking away off to the side. He won’t face me. I spend most of yesterday being mad and upset and that’s all I was thinking about. I feel like you like I will never be over this. Thanks for letting me vent to. Hugs

  164. Hi Tammy. I hope you have been able to process what has happened and are slowly moving towards healing. I can’t know the pain you are feeling but I hope I can help with some support, prayers and kind words. I think back to my mm and how he used to say to me that people must wonder what I was doing with him. He always said to me that he was ugly which broke my heart but I also know that after it was over people would say to be that they did not know what I was doing with him. They always thought I would be with someone much more physically attractive. I fell for his personality. I do remember thinking many times that he was not my type. But I think mm are able to rope us in with their charm and then we somehow lose ourselves. From you past posts I can tell you are a strong woman. You endured 4 years of him coming and going, but you still went on with your life like he was not coming back. I am approaching the 7th month mark of nc. This was the first time we have ever gone nc and in the beginning I didn’t think I would make it to this point. Recently I posted that I was unable to make it through an entire week without crying once about him. Well I am happy to say I have finally made it! I have finally returned to the person I was prior to the affair! I’m back to the strong happy woman that mm caught. I’m dating and having fun and finally enjoying my life again. It took some hard work and some sheer determination but I did it. I used to think that I had lost something when he broke up with me, but the truth is he lost…. We are all so much better than they are. They are lying cheating dirtbags who don’t deserve our hearts. I know that the road to healing will be a difficult one. We have all been on that journey, and I know during that time the ladies here have been a great source of support and it helped me immensely. Hugs to you :)

  165. Tammy,
    I have read your posts several times to let them really sink in. There was something that happened several years ago between me and my mm that I have buried, but your post brought it back to the surface. My mm used to have a twitter page… I have never had one, but he was really into it, and he had a lot of friends or followers on this page. Well, one day I looked at his page and I swear he was carrying on with this girl on twitter. They were flirting and he was saying a lot of the same kind of stuff that he would say to me. And then I went and looked at her page and she was doing the same thing with him. He had been talking to her on twitter at the same time he was talking to me! It knocked the breath out of me! I confronted him and he denied it, but it was obvious what was going on, it was all there in public. I even showed a friend of mine and she was shocked. To this day, I don’t know the full extent of what he was doing with this girl (like if they met, did they have a true affair, etc) but something was going on with them. This was right about the time we broke up the first time and I begged him to tell me the truth but he just kept denying it over and over and swearing that he didn’t know this girl. I saw the exchanges with my own eyes. It was total gas lighting. I think you are 100% correct about these men. They are hooked on excitement and the chase! I don’t know why I can’t reconcile myself to this fact that he/they are inherently dishonest! I was never comfortable with the deception, but somehow talked myself into thinking that it was because he was unhappy in his marriage and it had nothing to do with us…. When we would talk at night, I knew his wife was probably sitting right there the entire time or at least in the next room. We could never go away together without him having to pull off some elaborate lie – I hated it – yet I was part of it!! How could I let myself be with a man like that? Yet, I was, and I think that he is going to miraculously change for me? One thing I have to admit is that I am so glad that my life now is honest and I’m not screwing anyone over or getting screwed over myself! Thank you for your post and your insight!

  166. Hi everyone..chanced upon this page while I was searching for how to let go of mm…I just broke it off with him yesterday. I have broke it off a few times but he always manage to reel me back in. I keep telling myself that I can’t be fooled again and wanted to keep a distance. He is my co worker. But I don’t have to see him now for about half a year as I’m going away for my studies. Today is my first day of NC…but I can’t help but keep hoping that he will text me. And I feel guilty for thinking like that. I know that this relationship isn’t going anywhere because he mentioned before his daughter is the most important person in his life and he can’t lose her. But at the same time,he said he really loves me. I think a part of me really wants to believe that’s real. But if it is, he would have tried to spend more time with me..didn’t sleep much last night because I couldn’t stop thinking about him.