How to Get Over Your Affair With a Married Man


You’re unhappy about having an affair with a married man, but you don’t know how to get over him. Here, you’ll find tips for breaking off a relationship with a man who is married. May you find freedom, peace, love and joy in your life – and may you hold on to your vision of a beautiful future with a man who is dedicated to you.

“I have to keep reminding myself of how many lies I have told over the years,” says Anonymous on How to Break Up With a Married Man – and Heal Your Heart. “I have been lying to everyone who is most important to me for 5 years. I’ve been sneaking around with this married man, ignoring my own husband who loves me more then anyone in this world. I have taken my husband for granted and I am finally realizing that. I find myself wanting to talk to my husband more and be excited about becoming parents (I’m five months pregnant). I decided to end my affair with the married man and still feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I know I’ll have some good moments and bad moments, but hopefully as time passes I’ll have more good. I really do want to end this affair because it makes me sick that I was involved with a married man for so long. I’m just looking for the strength to get through the next few hours, days, and weeks until I stop thinking about him.”

You’re not alone if you’re searching for suggestions on how to break up with a married man. I’ve written several articles about infidelity, and the one that’s most searched for is my blog post on getting over an affair. This surprised me, actually. I was aware that many men cheat on their wives, but I hadn’t thought about who they were cheating with. The comments section on my article about breaking up with a married man has given me a whole new perspective on marital affairs.



Here’s a list of reasons you shouldn’t date other womens’ husbands, plus several tips on how to get over a married man and heal the pain of heartbreak. Having an affair with a married man can rip your heart in pieces…but the good news is that you’re on the right track! You’ve begun the process of healing, simply by searching for ways to get over a married man.

Reasons to Let Go of Him

How to Get Over a Married Man

How to Get Over a Married Man

I suspect you already have your own reasons not to date married men – and your reasons may be below.

But, this list may give you the extra push you need to get serious about the healing process.

  • Adultery is destructive, immoral, and painful
  • A married man won’t commit to a future with you
  • You can’t trust a married man who cheats on his wife
  • You can’t talk about dating married men with your friends and family, so you won’t get much support
  • A married man doesn’t respect the woman he’s cheating with
  • You’ll waste your life waiting for him to make a decision – and the chances he’ll decide to commit to you are slim
  • A married man is living with guilt and shame, which will eventually affect your relationship
  • Good, kind, loving men don’t cheat on their wives
  • Cheating damages families and destroys lives

This last tip would drive me to quickly learn how to get over a married man! Guys who cheat don’t respect or love the women they’re cheating with. No matter what they say, they don’t really respect women who let themselves be used.

If you want to break up with him but feel like you can’t, read How to Get Through a Breakup When You’re Still in Love.

How to Get Over a Married Man

I’ve written lots of articles with practical tips on breaking up and healing after heartbreak. In this article, I want to focus on the power of love to help you move forward in your life. This may seem ironic because you think you’re losing love…but actually, the end of this affair can actually be the start of a whole new life of freedom, peace, and joy for you!

Focus on finding freedom to end this relationship

May you break free from the chains that hold you in this relationship – a relationship you know is unhealthy and destructive for you and others. May you find freedom, peace, and joy in your life. I pray for courage and strength, and for wisdom to learn how to get over a married man without feeling compelled to return to your old way of living. I pray that you take time to bow your head and lift your heart to God.



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Instead of allowing your heart and emotions to dictate your choices, decide to end this affair. Yes, it’ll hurt. Yes, you’ll think about him all the time. But you can be free from the compulsion to see this married man. May you find yourself quickly and free from the bondage of this affair. End your suffering, move forward in freshness and light.

Look at the obstacles in your way

What is holding you back from getting over a married man? Maybe you’ve invested time, emotional energy, or even money in the affair. Maybe you hope he’ll leave his wife and marry you. Maybe breaking up with him is an admission of guilt, and you can’t forgive yourself for the affair.

Maybe you love him.

Being clear on your reasons for having the affair – and breaking it off – will help you find freedom. Why are you searching for tips on how to get over a married man? Start digging around in your heart and soul, and figure out why you started the affair and what’s holding you back from a healthy relationship.

Decide that this affair is over. Period.

How to Get Over Your Affair With a Married ManHere’s my favorite comment from a reader on my other article about getting over a married man:

You have to make up your mind to break up with your married man…It’s hard for me to believe that there are other men who are willing to love me even more but there are. If you do not let go of what’s bad for you, then you’re not making yourself available for a good man. I’d rather be in a relationship with someone I like than in a relationship with a married man I love who can’t make me his priority. THIS ISN’T HAPPINESS. We deserve more. And it starts within ourselves. His wife doesn’t deserve this, either.

Start recreating your life

Part of learning how to break up with a married man is to create your life in a way that incorporates new perspectives, new attitudes, new priorities, and new values. One of your new attitudes has to be acceptance – because you know that resisting this change will stop you from learning how to live happily without the man you love.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • What do I need to let go of in my life that is no longer alive?
  • What is sacred to me?
  • Who or what do I love?
  • What have I sacrificed in order to love this married man and have an affair?
  • What is calling to me now in my life?
  • How can I start living the life I really want?
  • What changes do I need to make so I can live without him?

Take one question at a time and sit quietly with it. Write about it in your journal or the comments sections below. Turn it over in your mind. Don’t overanalyze or overthink your answers. Don’t pressure yourself to come up with an answer. Be willing not to know how you will live without him. What is important is that the questioning gets energy moving deep in your emotions and spirit. From here, change will naturally unfold in your life.

What is one thing you can do today to take care of yourself, and help your heart heal?

Learn how to let go and emotionally detach from him

Breaking up and letting go takes time, but it will happen. You have more power than you think – and you deserve better. You deserve a man who will love and cherish you, wholly and completely.

Letting Go of a Relationship You Want to KeepIn How to Let Go of Someone You Love I share stories about letting go from me and a few “She Blossoms” readers. Our experiences with love and loss will comfort and encourage you.

I share 25 Blossom Tips, each paired with a practical “how to.” Every tip highlights a different part of who you are—spirit, heart, soul, body, and brain. This holistic approach will help you move forward in different ways, according to your personality, mood, energy level and lifestyle.

My life with a schizophrenic mother, absent father, foster homes, attempted rape, infertility, and three years in Africa taught me that choosing to grow forward is essential for healing.

May your heart and soul heal from the pain this relationship caused, and the grief of the breakup. May your heart turn towards the love and peace only God can bring.

If you want to share your story about loving a married man, please write below. I can’t offer advice, but you might find it helpful to share your experience. Writing slows us down and helps us untangle our emotions. It helps us refocus our thoughts and heal from destructive patterns in our lives.

xo


"She Blossoms" Books


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How to Let Go of Someone You Love - Powerful Secrets (and Practical Tips!) for Healing Your Heart After a Breakup. Do you feel like you'll never get over your broken heart? This ebook - available immediately - will help you let go of what was, and move into a new season of life.



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When You Miss Him Like Crazy - 25 Lessons to Move You From Broken to Blossoming After a Breakup! You miss him desperately right now, but you won't always feel this way. This warm, comforting ebook will give you the tools, encouragement and strength you need to move through the pain and start blossoming - today.



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Growing Forward When You Can't Go Back - to help you walk through loss into God's new plans and dreams for you. You will never be the same and you will always carry the best of the past with you...but your life isn't over yet! My Blossom Tips and stories will help you grow and flourish in a fresh, healthy, happy new season of life.




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1,050 thoughts on “How to Get Over Your Affair With a Married Man

  • Tricia

    Hi’ Healed Now . I’m so glad your on the right path and found some peace in your life being with a married man has a devastating affect on your self esteem . I want to say I’m healed too but I’m just say I’m Ok feeling are still there but I’m survived !!! I hope U continue to find the Joy in your life . Also Xxx I’m glad your Ok too we all have struggled to get over these toxic affairs . Continue to find your Happy Place !!! Much love ladies .

    • Xxx

      Thank you Tricia. I hope you will very soon be saying that you feel awesome without the mm and not just ok. But you are already doing great and giving a lot of nice support to everyone here. Thank you for that ❤

  • Former pieces, healed now

    Hi all, I just wanted to give an update about my situation and I really hope that it will help many of you. I was seeing this mm for almost three years, we broke up several times for a month or two, classic story with loads of hurt and joy and disappointment. We were addicted to each other, thinking that we are the ultimate match etc… I broke it off for good more than 4 months ago when he again decided not to leave his wife and kids for me which is fair enough tbh.. and I am actually happier than ever. Over this affair I have been depressed and I wasn’t even aware of it. My friends were telling me that I wasn’t happy and I would get defensive each time but they were so right!
    After I broke up with him I did some digging in social media and asking common friends about his situation and it put me off a lot seeing what an a**hole he is! In the back of my mind I have always known that he is a liar but I just denied it because of the “love” I felt. I’m not saying that it’s easy at all, I have to force myself sometimes not to answer his calls and not to react when he is trying to tell me about getting a new job in my city. Ladies, write a list of situations you were disappointed about your married lover and that might help you see clearer.
    I’m free, happy, moving on with my career because I’m not focusing on licking my wounds he caused and pleasing him in the meantime.. I started dating, had disappointments and amazing things happening to me but this is life. Finally I got MY life back. Good luck to you all.

    • Xxx

      Exactly! That helped me the most – to write down the phases of that so called relationship and notice exactly the same pattern of him disappearing and reappearing. After the initial shock and disbelief, I had a lot of tears with a lot of wine and sad music. Then came the acceptance that there are people who are liars and manipulators, and my mm was my worst enemy. Then I again did some crying, no contact, dating, partying, working, enjoying myself and now I never wish to speak with him again. Don’t even care where he is about. In the beginning of no contact my confidence was down, but now it is higher than ever before because I just stopped giving a f..k about pleasing others for instance. It is all about my needs first now. This is a great update, I completely agree!

      • Jules

        XXX,
        Thank you for sharing. It’s amazing how quickly they drop us. I like your definition of “so called relationship”. So true in my case.
        What a joke.

        I am doing much better. I need to just keep moving forward.

        • Xxx

          Jules, they’d dropped us long ago before we realized it. That was the most difficult part to accept. And they kept us hooked and in belief that we are not “the crazy wife” so we did everything possible to keep that nice picture of us being their saviours because, poor them, they were trapped in their marriage. When I came to this site I was hoping the most to read some story of OW replacing the wife and that my struggle wasn’t worthless. There was not even one example, except the lady recently saying that it happened to her and it turned out to be a nightmare. She wanted to break free..😅 I honestly hope she did and that all of the ladies will. Im glad you are doing much better, keep going! 💪

      • Jules

        Xxx,

        I agree. We were dropped before we even realized it. On second thought, I wasnt dropped because I never had him. You cannot lose what you never had.

        He was always someone else’s husband.

    • anna

      This is a great update! I have started writing things down and I keep it in my phone so I can look at it often. I had a huge tendency to romanticize our affair. Writing down the facts has helped me stop romanticizing and keeps me strong. The affair had me so addicted and depressed. I had friends and my grown daughter try to talk to me but I would make excuses and think I was the only one who could possibly understand “our situation”. I really feel like I am coming out of a fog. I am starting to perform better at work and I am going to start to put myself out there too. I still think about him all the time and am jumping around the grieving stages but I know that it’s getting better. Stay strong ladies.

  • Jenks

    My situation sounds similar to some on here. My mm is 10 years older, married w 2 kids. He is also my boss. I figured out within the first month of working there that he was attracted to me but I thought it was innocent. I had never dated a mm and never intended to. He is attractive, successful and a very kind, generous person. Over the next few months the flirting was nonstop along w texting constantly. I never asked about his marriage and he never talked about it. After we hooked up a couple times he ghosted me. While still being my boss, he stopped talking to me altogether. My job responsibilities changed and he treated me awful. Finally, after 3 months of feeling devastated and rejected I called him out on his behavior. He said that he’s never had an affair and never wanted to, he also never wanted to get a divorce but his marriage had been an unhappy for 5 years. He said he really strong feelings for me and had to pull to back. He doesn’t know if they’ll separate. That conversation happened a month ago. No one in my life knows about this. I am completely alone for the first time (my roommate of 7 years moved out 5 months ago) I’m having a really difficult time moving on. I know I should look for another job but I don’t want to. This job has everything I’ve ever wanted in a place of employment. I left a firm I was at for 5 years and loved the working environment but I needed higher pay. I don’t know what to do. Clearly he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore and I think he feels like I should just be over it already. I feel like I should be as well but I’m not. I feel selfish for not feeling guilty. I’ve never been this confused.

    • Tricia

      Hi’Jenks . I feel U my Ex Mm went MIA too it’s been almost 5 months and he never called I did too reached out because I was so hurt . Today just one of those days where I miss him sometimes I wish I could be his wife just so I can be with him properly. Sitting here thinking how could he just walk away so easy and I seem not to find one man I’m interesting in !!! And should be over this affair !! Some days I’m so good in my thoughts but today different story U are so not alone I’m so sorry your married man ghosted you it really hurts when they just up and leave I deleted my Ex Mm number so I wouldn’t be tempted. Anyway I’m just reminiscing. Stay Strong and Good Positive Vibes!!!

  • Jules

    Hi Sage,
    I grew up with emotionally distant parents as well.
    I think my mm and I were addicted to each other. It was withdrawal when we went nc.
    This was my 1st experience with a mm. He has had multiple infidelities for over 15 yrs, cheating on his wife.
    He claims that I was different. He says that he actually loved me. He claims to be unfulfilled in his marriage, unhappy for many years.
    After almost 2 months of nc I now can see the significance of his words during the time we were together.
    “You are going to leave me” “please don’t leave me, we can make this work!”
    At the time, I didn’t understand why he kept saying that. We were having a great time together. Looking back now , it makes sense. His years of experience with cheating on his wife predicted the trajectory of our relstionship.
    Now I understand.
    He is very selfish and I sometimes get angry thinking back. Am I a grown woman who is responsibile for my own choices? yes. This is the rationale that he uses to wipe his sociopath narcissistic hands clean of his own responsibility in past infidelities and no doubt, our relationship as well.
    Still, in my mind, he is not absolved from his choice to knowingly hijack other people’s lives through manipulation, in order to make his poor life choices more tolorable.
    I have deep feelings for him still, but I need to understand why I have those feelings for someone who threw me scraps and expected me to be only with him. He insisted that my mind , heart and body be only for him as I waited in the shadows for our next encounter.
    That is not love.
    Jules

    • YSENIA

      I knew my MM since college we reconnected heis married I am married always wondering what had happened to both of us or was like we had never stop loving each other but we can but have a relationship I love my kids and mt hubby is great and he said the first rinecww were together he would never leave his wife because he would not share his kids I just need to let go!!!

  • Hayley

    Crikey ladies what is going on!! My MM has been coming on strong again simply because I’ve been backing off big time.. I’m tired of the situation but I do struggle to ignore his texts however I have been very short with him.. this seems to egg him on even more tho! He wanted to meet me last week first time ever I refused.. he wants me to climb a mountain in summer with him cause his wife won’t, i rejected this offer. Every night when she’s gone bed I get the ‘what are you up too’ text. I don’t want to chat to him hardly anymore.. running out of things to say to him. I can feel my feelings towards him changing.. his texts are annoying me now to the point where the other night I was rolling my eyes.. the next morning I gets a ‘what’s up with you text’ and I just thought I’ve HAD ENOUGH so I did something I’ve never done in all these years and replied with
    ‘Leave her’ and guess what? I’ve not heard from him since. Haha do I feel regretful for sending it? No at all.. it’s the first time I’ve ever said anything like that and I’m proud of myself for standing up to him.. cause he should leave her or leave me the hell alone and he wasn’t getting the message! I don’t feel sad. For the first time ever I feel happy.. I’m pretty sure he will be back when he realises I don’t care and I’m not chasing him.. but at least he finally knows I mean business either way! And no I’m not sitting here hoping he will leave her behind the scenes. I know he won’t, they never do. I’m not that naive luckily but it feels good to finally say it!! Take the power back over these sad men.. we are so much better than these losers. I have no more tears to cry over this assclown!
    Much love to you all.. onwards and upwards. I can now enjoy my evenings in peace.. every cloud.

  • Anna

    I have never felt the resolve I do today to be done with this situation. His wife sent me two emails last night. She wanted to know details about us and if there were others. I told her she needed to ask him and that I had blocked him. She must have told him that I blocked him because another email came later and he was evidently smearing me. She was calling me names and going nuts. It was the last straw and I went completely off and I told her to stop contacting me. I told her she needs to look at him, but if they want to continue majing each other miserable for the rest of their lives I couldn’t care less. They are both pathetic. Now they are both blocked and I am done. I truly hope that he will get the help he needs (I say this genuinely). And that I can find the happiness that I need. I feel a new resolve to move forward in faith. I have blocked his from contacting me in any way and I am starting to delete emails that I may be tempted to look at. I have never been in this place before and it is a new feeling. I have always either been with him, heartbroken or sad over him. I feel completely different. I just want to say to everyone here that if it wasn’t for this place I couldn’t have done this. I don’t know what would have happened to me. It was so unhealthy. And I don’t know who it was who said he was never my friend but it was so true. There’s a small part of me that hopes he will figure it all out and apologize to me for the wrong he did but I don’t expect it to happen. And I have to focus on myself and not wait for an apology that may never come. Good vibes going out to all.

  • Bells Paws

    Oh ladies! We who loved so reservedly and so wholeheartedly, I certainly did . I adored my MM and I still do. I feel all the hurt, anger and sadness but I still love him and in an ideal world i’d be with him. If he miraculously became single i’d be with him in a flash. its not him i hate but his situation. He married 25years ago, when I was just a teenager , its taken all this time for us to meet. We are in contact about some professional stuff. I got mad at him once and said some horrible things to him that I very much regret, he said it hurt. But we are dealing with one another and talk nearly every day . I really miss him, and pin for him I love him still very much , its so hard to let go and let go of the hope. Sometmes i think i shouldn’t have let the little bit we had together go and that crumbs is better than nothing at all. but then i think no, I don’t want to be the other woman, I want to be THE women, HIS woman. And because that can’t happen then there can’t be anything. I don’t expect him to drop 25years of marriage and all that comes with it, he’s be foolish if he did, but still, i can’t help but live in fantasy world sometimes.

  • anna

    Hello all,
    Well, I saw some pictures on social media over the weekend of his wife’s birthday party and there was a big family celebration with a bunch of family members including him sitting next to his wife – he had a big smile on his face and everyone looked really happy. He didn’t look like he had a care in the world and neither did his wife. He sent me an email today saying that he was finally getting some help and had gotten a therapy appointment and was going to do whatever he could to repair the relationship with his wife and family. He has caused me so much depression and pain for so long that it was a relief to hear the truth instead of future faking and lies. I have now blocked him from contacting me via email so that I will not be tempted to email him again. Maybe he can change… I don’t know. My therapist has been helping me realize that people who truly love you do not want to hurt you and that this was probably not really love in the first place. And he probably does not really love his wife either… he most likely does not know what love is at all. But that is not for me to figure out. I am going to continue staying strong and moving forward.

  • Martha Ordonez

    Hello,
    I’m married and I started an affair with my ex boyfriend whom I loved very much. It’s been 28 years since we were together and the break up was devastating for me. He reached out to me about 5 months ago to apologize to me of how he had treated me when we were a couple and to tell me that I was the love of his life,and that he still loved me but he is married. We talked for several weeks and went out to lunch several times before we started the affair. He did tell me that he doesn’t love his wife but he won’t leave her but he doesn’t want to leave what we have either and that if I at any point we were both single if I would consider him and start a real relationship with out hiding. I’ve always loved this man even though I’ve been married for 26 years already. I love my husband but I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with him, he’s great and I’m very fortunate to have him but I feel there’s been something missing that hasn’t made me truly happy. I see my lover maybe once a month and speak to him once a week sometimes and it really hurts me because I want to see and talk to him daily if possible but he always says he’s very busy and he can’t. I know this relationship will never go anywhere but it’s so hard for me to let go. What can I do to end this relationship and be ok.

  • Tracy

    NC with MM for 1 month and he comes out of the woodwork suddenly. I was staying busy and moving on.

    I see him conveniently standing around at places I go to regularly just so he can run into me. He looks saddened with puppy dog eyes and even came up to give me a very warm and tight hug. Keeps saying how much he misses me and I good I smell. I was always on the nurturing side with him. His wife is in menopause, abrupt, caustic, with no interest in him sexually or even in an affectionate way.

    He gets a hug from her once in the blue moon. She insisted they have separate rooms so hes accepted it but starving for affection. He is in a dilemma because he loves his two grown kids and the home he built for them 20 years ago. He stays for the security but at the same time gets none of his needs met. He has talked to her many times and all she does is criticize him for chores not done and how he doesnt do other things the ” right”. He has no self-esteem and wont stand up to her.

    I feel bad for him that he cant be more of a man but he abhors conflict of any kind. I want to be a friend and encourage him to be more assertive. This guy is not the type to go to counseling either. What happens to these types of men? I wonder if they just remain co- dependent for the rest of their lives and accept the misery.

    I suppose I haven’t quite let go due to my innately empathetic nature.

  • JeepGirl

    Hello all,
    First let me say I have not posted much lately, and it is because my life has changed so much that it seems like I never have time anymore.
    Let me explain.
    Three & a half weeks ago my mm left his wife and moved in with me. He finally did it, I first thought. The handsome, built, sweetheart of a man I am so head over heels in love with left his wife for me. He is not divorced yet, but she and he have worked out a schedule for the kids so that they both have equal time with them, and he has been living here full time. My dreams have come true, right?

    Wrong. The last couple of weeks have been full of turmoil. We are butting heads on so many issues, the kids are having trouble transitioning, and we fight more than we don’t.

    I think that not knowing how different we would really be in a real situation, we believed in this romantic love conquering all. It hasn’t. Once upon a time he and I had no trouble communicating, but now we can hardly talk to one another without fighting. Sometimes it’s about the kids, sometimes it’s about who’s doing what wrong, and sometimes it’s about absolutely nothing.

    He has not said so, but because of the way things are I imagine he’s regretting ever leaving her, and truthfully I wouldn’t be devastated if he left here and went back. My house has never been so full of the negativity that comes with the fighting. I am mentally drained.

    I am sharing all of this with you because I want you all to see the reality of what happens when they really do leave.

    My mm and I were so much in love, our times together before he moved in were intoxicating. Now, we are constantly at each other’s throat. There is seldom any peace between us. We were in love and thought our lives would be perfect if only we could be together. We are together now, under the same roof, but our relationship is not the same. I hope my story helps even just one of you. I hope it helps you see that yes, you fell in love with a mm and it hurts so bad to be the ow, but it hurts even more when you finally are together and you realize how much of a fantasy it all really was.

    I don’t know what is going to happen between he and I, but I do know I can’t go on living with this constant turmoil.

    Much love to you all.
    XO

    • Leigh ann

      Jeep Girl. Thank you for sharing this! I was missing my mm and it has been almost 2 months since I last spoke to him. I often thought if he left things would be great. But I know from when I left my husband of 25 years there was no smooth transition from married to not married. There are still so many feeling tangled up within it all. It me almost 3 years to sort through it all and I was very unhappy in my marriage. When you have been together so long there is so much that ties you together how can anything be easy? It’s not. It’s better if we are not around to make things “easier” for them. They have to go through the whole separation and the awful hurt that goes with a dissolution of a marriage. We as the OW should be aware of that. It took me a long time to come to terms with that. If my MM ever comes back to me be better have the divorce papers signed and have dealt with all the emotional baggage that goes with it. I hope that you are able to find peace again. Good vibes to you 😊

    • Tricia

      Hi Jeep girl . Thank you so much for sharing your story . I heard when the fantasy become reality the fantasy die ? And the mistress now become the wife and get all her problems I don’t know if any truth in that but I hope U find peace in your Heart and Soul . Stay In Prayer and God will see you through this .

    • Jules

      Jeep Girl,

      Thank you for sharing your recent updates. I have had a feeling that if my mm ever left for me, the same thing would happen. I have had to accept that his wife knows him better than I do. She is a 200 lbs. overweight alcoholic with severe depression. It is an eerie thought that my mm might have something to do with that as well. I would give him 1 month with me and he would be gas lighting me. He needs a woman that he can control. That is not me. One of the last things that I said to him is “you need a mistress with a weak mind and character”. I was emotionally vulnerable when we hooked up almost a year ago. I made a bad decision. I am not that way anymore.
      I saw this meme on FB, something to the effect of “they always say why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? A better saying is why buy the pig when we can still have a little sausage?”
      It struck a dark cord of humor to me. Notwithstanding truth, I believe that all of us deserve better than a little sausage from a pig.
      60 days nc. I am getting stronger. Over the acute withdrawals from this hellish addiction.
      Never again will I be in this position.
      Love to you all.

      Jules

      • Anna

        Omg… this truly struck a chord. I don’t mean to degrade another woman but my mm’s wife is extremely overweight, drinks heavily, and is in overall very poor health and I’ve often wondered what he had to do with that. Especially after seeing how low I got with him. The depression and gaslighting was real and she has been with him 27 years. Narcissistic abuse is real.

      • Sage

        A common sentiment I see about affairs with MM is that after it ends (or attempts to end it) is “I still love him”. Interesting how after all the “pain” we endured, it is supposed to mean that this was about love.

        I too feel the same and it’s why I find it hard to move on. Was this real love, did MM feel it was love? After being with him for over a year, I feel an emotional bond. I often wonder how he is doing, even though at times he used and a used my trust. Sounds twisted and unhealthy.

        Was it other people’s view that the MM had other side chicks besides you? In my case I never knew for sure, with the only clue was his frequent disappearing acts. It hurts my ego deeply to realize I wasnt at all special to this man and that I was on roster with other women.
        It would certainly soothe me to know there wasn’t in my case.

        My MM no longer reaching out is actually doing me a favor but it still hurts. It reminds me of how neither of my parents were ” vacant” emotionally and physically as well. The old wounds still surface.

  • JeepGirl

    Young & confused,
    Your story is so eerie to me because it is so similar to my situation.
    I would love for you to email me so that we can talk & see if there is any connection to our stories. It seems far fetched that there could be, but I guess stranger things have happened.

    If you’d like to talk feel free to email me @:
    fortheloveoflittles@yahoo.com

  • Help please

    Anyone who read my story before it has turned even worse for me . Looks like my mm is not decent at all . He has still been ignoring me since Jan he left his wife and is now seeing a silly 23 year old who he put into a managers role who doesn’t have a clue and been drinking and stuff with it . Now I have found out he intends to make me redundant from a position which is not even a year old . And that not discrimination I think it is and I can’t believe how he could do this . He knows I am moving out and will only be and my little boy then he throws me under the bus like this . Surely with evidence I can show people it’s discrimination. How his new person is getting pay rises , days off not doing her work and everyone knows that too .

    • Jules

      Please Help,

      3 words; Get a lawyer.

      Pay contingent on winning a lawsuit. Karma is a bitch. It will catch up to him, not soon enough but it will. So glad that you are away from that toxic person. You deserve so much better.

      Jules

  • Kat

    So I’m in the same situation as everyone here. I met my MM because I was shadowing him for a job and we started to talk just as friends. I was already going through a little breakup with a guy I dated for 2 months and my MM would comfort me and tell me it was ok and I was pretty and could find someone better and soon we began flirting and talking a lot. It’s been going on for a year and 3 months. I know it is wrong and I feel bad and at the same time I feel like I love him but I know he dosnt love me. He always says he can’t change his situation because he dosnt want to hurt his kids there his main priority. I have tried to leave him many times but always end up going back. When we aren’t talking I feel so much pain and sadness I cry everyday. That’s why I end up going back because it hurts so much without him. I keep feeling all these crazy emotions and feel lost like a broken record. I hope I can find the strength to be able to let go and feel ok with it mentally.

  • Young and Confused

    I haven’t seen or talked to MM for about 5 months now and I honestly don’t miss him at all. I have absolutely no intentions of reaching out to him or ever seeing him again in my whole entire life. However, I still think about him almost every day and I wonder if he still thinks about me too. Whenever I pull into my driveway I wonder if he’s parked around the corner watching me (like he used to). I wonder if he drives past my old workplace to see if I’m there (like he used to). I wonder if he knows I got a new job at the place we originally met (a kickboxing gym). I am not emotionally/physically attached to him at all… but I just can’t get him out of my head completely. On October 31, 2018, I completely ghosted him out of the blue. I blocked him and his wife on all social media and I deleted his number. I have not reached out to him a single time and I’m extremely proud of myself for that. He has called me a few times, visited me at work, sent me an email, and then he gave up and I haven’t heard from him since. I ended up confessing the entire affair to my new boyfriend and he was surprisingly accepting. However, I know it still bothers him a lot because MM was 40 and I’m 21. My current boyfriend used to be an MMA fighter and MM is a kickboxing instructor so I’m scared of what will happen if they ever cross paths with each other considering they both hate each other’s guts (although this might be kinda interesting to watch). Thanks to anyone who read this and I’m sorry if it didn’t make much sense 🙂

    • JeepGirl

      Young & confused,
      Your story is so eerie to me because it is so similar to my situation.
      I would love for you to email me so that we can talk & see if there is any connection to our stories. It seems far fetched that there could be, but I guess stranger things have happened.

      If you’d like to talk feel free to email me @:
      fortheloveoflittles@yahoo.com

  • Leigh ann

    Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your responses it helped immensely. I think, Anna that I felt the same way about my mm. He was the first to make me feel loved and important and special. He would bring me flowers, open the car door, hold my hand, and tell me I was beautiful and perfect. I have never had that in any other relationship even with my spouse. I knew it was wrong from the beginning and often I thought it was over because that was what I was used to but he kept coming back so I started to trust and I fell. It was only a year and a half and I should be glad it wasn’t longer. When he broke up with me he said he couldn’t be in my life right now and he was sure our paths would cross again and he didn’t want to do this he had to do it for himself and he needed time to sort things out in his life. I look at it now and I think how cruel to give me hope. He never spoke about his wife to me at all. Neither negative nor positive so I just never exactly knew where things stood. He said I made him so happy and that I changed his life. He also got involved with my family. He met all my kids and some of my extended family. This is why it’s so hard to let go. Why would he do all this if I was just a piece on the side. He never wore his ring with me and we never hid when we went out. He did not live here so maybe that made it easier to not hide. These are all the reasons why this is so hard to let go of. But I know it’s best but there is still hope he will contact me. But could I ever trust him again? And I don’t want to be the other woman I want to be the woman. And I don’t want to hurt someone else. So I will have to just keep moving forward. Thank you all for your support and good vibes. 😊

    • anna

      Leigh Ann, your situation is a lot like mine! My mm was the first person that ever made me feel loved and special. He always told me I was the most beautiful person he had ever known and how special and perfect I was. And he said that I changed his life too and made him feel better than anyone ever had. He had met members of my family as well. We had to hide sometimes but often we did not, like when we were traveling. He has told me many times – and even when we broke up he said- that we just met at the wrong time in life and that one day our time will be right. It does feel somewhat cruel to think that we are still holding out hope for these men and I think that is the big reason why we can’t fully move on with our lives. I have often told myself that I had my one great love and I won’t love that way again. But it’s sad we deserve to be loved fully and not just kept in the shadows. So why can’t they give us their all? I just don’t understand it. But yet he has not even tried to initiate contact with me on his own accord to check and see how I’m doing and if I’m okay and I can’t deny that really hurts me badly. I can’t even justify that part of it. If he really loved me so much, wouldn’t he check on me? That’s the part that I can’t rationalize… why doesn’t he check up on me? I know that I just have to move on right now and focus on myself and live my own life but that part just hurts so bad. good vibes Leigh Ann!

  • Jessica

    Hello all,

    Can anyone provide some support/advice??

    It has been over a month of NC with the mm. It is his birthday soon and I’m thinking of wishing him a happy birthday. I have zero intention of going back and I refuse to allow myself to get back in that situation but I feel like I owe him at least that nice gesture one last time. Thoughts anyone?

    • Tricia

      Hi’ Jessica . Well March the 6th was my Ex Mm Bd and did to want reach out to him but I didn’t last year I did that and affair start all over again with that Happy Birthday !! Now it’s over and it’s been 4 months now .Yes still do think of him sometimes but my advice is No don’t do it because chance are the affair will start up again been there many times just stay No Contact I know U miss him but don’t do it . Stay Strong.

      • Jessica

        Hi Tricia,

        Thanks so much for the words of support! His birthday is March 27 which coincidently will mark exactly 2 months of NC. I am getting better each day that goes by but there is always a moment everyday when I am just overwhelmed with sadness. I just want it to go away already. When will this get better!? I always think about how he’s doing because his situation is worse than mine. I am free to find genuine happiness while he’s stuck in a loveless marriage. I just feel bad for his clueless wife who knew nothing of his betrayal! All I know is that karma will come back and bite him. I know that my happiness is out there somewhere and I am looking forward to it. For now, I am free of guilt, shame, sadness and all the rollercoaster emotions that lie within an affair. I am going to be strong and not contact him. Stay beautiful and strong to all who is suffering through the pain!

        • Hayley

          Jessica – DO NOT contact him on his birthday do not use this as an excuse to contact him pleaseeee I beg you.
          30 or 60 days is usually the day people break no contact so this is going to be so hard for you but please don’t do it.
          And remember what they say: people tend to remember the ones who didn’t wish them happy birthday than the ones that do! So it will bother him that you haven’t cause he will probably be expecting you too.
          Switch your phone off on the 27th!! Stay strong.

        • Tricia

          Hi ‘ Jessica . I think we stop thinking about them when we finally see our affair with these married men for what it really was and not what we wanted it to be or think the relationship really was and that’s we let the dream go . And find another man . And these men choose to stay with their wives because if you truly are unhappy with your spouse it’s such thing called divorce!!!! Don’t let men fool you ladies !! His not hurting like us these men know how we feel before U even tell him !! My friends tell me it’s time to move on and it’s true but haven’t found anybody yet . Jessica have your Ex mm tried to contact you ? I don’t exist anymore to mine sad to say . Positive Vibes !

  • Tricia

    Hi’ Leigh Ann . You just got to go through the stages of grief and it’s hard and painful . I thought just like you if only my Ex mm would show me sign he cared and I knew I would probably break down and go back to being (2) best and settling for crumbles and he have eventually went MIA again . So as hard as it is just know regardless if connect U you will never be his first choice and you could never trust him . Know that your special someone is out there waiting for you !! U will never forget him but you’ll get pass this . Stay Strong Positive Thoughts !!!

  • Anna

    Hi everyone,
    I hope everyone is staying strong. I had a good weekebd and have been doing well and maintaining NC. Doing yoga, therapy, gym, all healthy things, then I look at my email and my ex mm sends me an email on Sunday, just one symbol, a green heart. That was “our thing”. I didn’t respond but I hate to admit it got me thinking about him all over again and I know that’s why he did it. Ughhhhhh….

    • Leigh ann

      You are doing so well Anna! I am not doing so well. It has been 6 weeks since I got the break up text. I am still upset about it. I broke down today. I know logically it was a dead end relationship and there was no future but I do really miss him. I think I would maybe feel better if I had some idea that he was missing me as bad. I don’t know why I can’t just get over this i have great friends and a good family but this just hurts. It seems as all the mm here were very unkind when they ran but mine was not unkind. He tried to let me down easy. I don’t want to break the no contact because I don’t want to start all over. I know I would rather hurt like this than have him leave his family for me and be then be labeled a home wrecker. I think that would be so much worse. I just want to stop missing him and I don’t know how. I try to keep busy but every so often it just overwhelms me. Does anyone have any ideas. Please help me to find a way to heal. Thank you

      • Riya

        Sorry it’s been rough Leigh Ann. It’s been 8 months for me and I still have very rough days, especially during the times of the day when we communicated. There is a wave of emotions that hits. I too would like to seek an end to this. Though I do not breakdown uncontrollably like before, I do feel very depressed and angry. One thing that seems to help for me was I identified some parts of my routine where I absolutely didn’t think of him, for me it was during yoga, and the time I spend with the kids. I started doing more of this. Took up more challenging things at work, so it would need more focus. Though this doesn’t work always for me, but one day at a time. There is always a hope I might hear from him which has not died yet, but I hope to someday. Hang in there dear..pick the things you love doing and dedicate more time to that, could be an approach you can try.

      • Jessica

        Hi Leigh Ann,

        You are doing a great job!!! Having reached 6 weeks is definitely something to be proud of! Continue going and DO NOT break the NC. You have worked this hard and you know you deserve a much better man!! I left my mm about a month ago (4 year affair) and at times it’s overwhelming but I am becoming more and more at peace with myself. Continue keeping yourself busy and doing things that you love!! Your life is only going to get better and better. Going back to these men is not allowing ourselves to be kind to ourselves and that is something us women forget to do. Always remember your self worth. In the end, all this misery will be worth it because happiness will come!! Promise! Stay strong and beautiful xoxox

      • Xxx

        Hi Leigh ann,
        I cannot quite remember your story, but if you are so sure there is a mutual love and your mm was ready to be with you instead of the wife, I don’t see a reason to see yourself as a home wrecker. It is also better for the wife to stop the marriage where there is no love for her. However, if he’s just been sitting comfortably on two chairs, take your time to heal and move on. It will hurt but it will be worth it in the end. I guess you could clarify those things with your mm instead of beating your head up and questioning your choices, try to get out of the illusion and if necessary, move on sooner rather than later. Easier said than done, i know.. good luck X

      • anna

        Leigh Ann….. I am so sorry you are hurting. You are grieving and every emotion you are feeling is normal. It is a lot easier this time around (I cried so many tears) but still very hard and there are days I miss him intensely. I have talked to my therapist about attachment and she has helped me understand why I got attached to my mm in the first place – because he was also kind to me and made me feel loved and valued like no one else. And that was why I kept going back to him over and over even though he was never available. Have you thought about therapy? I resisted it for years thinking it was going to be too emotionally exhausting but it it really helping and so is meditation/yoga – a lot of self care – keeping busy as possible from day to night – talk to friends as much as possible – reading – there are still going to be times you miss him… I know this hurts. Confession – I still hold out hope in my heart that our time will be right someday for me and my mm – I guess I’m just pathetic! But I know that it couldn’t go on like it was.. I have to live my life right now and can’t wait for him…you can’t change anyone, you can only change yourself. Hugs <3

      • anna

        I have a lot of ups and downs, one day I am doing well (like yesterday) and the next day I feel bad (today). Some days I will have two good days in a row and then a bad day. Today is not a good day. I got mired down with work, my mind was on him all day, when I am like this I get depressed and angry and start thinking I will end up alone and I start thinking I should have settled for what I had with him and thinking I should just go back to the crumbs and start missing him.. life does not look that promising when your choices are being with a mm or being alone because you miss your mm. And I hate feeling that way…it’s not easy. Today is not an easy day…. hang in there I am with you.

        • Leigh ann

          Hi Anna. I understand the feeling of the fear of being alone forever. I am terrified that I will never find anyone as well. I have been told that there are so many men in this world that are single but once you reach a certain age… over 50 your choices become smaller and smaller I feel like. Most men this age aren’t looking for another wife or serious gf. They seem to just want hook ups and I am not into that. I am actually having a good day today. I don’t want to cause my mm any issues at home so I just keep with the NC and I cry and cry. So many tears I’m afraid they will never stop. I’m am trying to be strong and I have read a lot about being the OW and no matter what the mm never leave. They have built a life with her and we can’t compete with that. If my mm came back to me it would have to be after the ink was dry on the divorce papers and not before. I do hope I will find someone but in the mean time I’m going to do what I can to live my life. Staying strong 💪🏻

          • Jules

            Yes Leigh Ann,
            I can relate.
            Tears and tears…..it’s been 45 days nc. Your insight helped me knce again. Without admitting it to myself, I have been holding out hope that we will be together someday but that is a not reality. I need to truly let him go. More tears when I recognize this fact.
            Thank you.

          • anna

            Hi Leigh Ann. I realize how much we as the OW have to overcome and we can never beat the odds no matter what, if the men don’t leave early on they never will. It just devastates me knowing that to me this was a real relationship and I was loyal, but I was stupid. I wish someone had talked some sense into me but I was secretive and didn’t talk to anyone about it. That’s the thing that is so unhealthy. I want to have a relationship with a person who can give me everything. My mm made me realize that I am ready for that kind of relationship and not crumbs. The thing that worries me is that I still think about him all the time – he is constantly on my mind and in my heart and I don’t expect that to fade away overnight or even anytime soon. I’m became pretty socially isolated because of the affair but I’m staying busy and taking up hobbies and not letting depression overtake me. I do still have some down days but not as many as I did during the affair. I’ve started talking to someone but it’s going to take time to let someone into my heart. I also know that I’m very vulnerable to any kind of contact by mm – so far he hasn’t tried to do that but it’s happened in the past and prevented me from moving on with other, available men that might be better for me. I know that it’s up to me not to fall prey to that but it’s so hard when I miss him.

          • Leigh ann

            Hi Jules. I’m happy that you are staying strong. I have been told many times I will get past this. I just wish it was sooner instead of later. I had a very bad day yesterday and once again broke down at work. I spend a lot of time alone at work which doesn’t help. So today is a new day and I will try to not cry and do only things that make me very happy. I still have hope but I can’t live my life around that hope. I’m just going to keep moving forward and hope that I can get past this. Staying strong together 😊

          • Leigh ann

            Hi Anna. I know what you mean. I was loyal too. How dumb was I? My best friend always said he seemed like he was up to something. I never told her he was married or she would never have spoken to me again. She many times told me to dump him like a bad habit but I just kept on. I guess it was exactly like an addiction. I can’t stop thinking about him either. I know it’s because I gave him a piece of my heart that I hadn’t given anyone in a very long time and I guess I had hoped that it was the same for him. I honestly don’t recognize who I am anymore. I used to be a fun loving jokester before him and while I was with him. Now I just feel alone and sad. People always thought I was so happy when wanted to be around me. Now I just hide at home and cry. I have to get myself through this grief and find myself again. This has taught me ones great lesson though….. NEVER EVER will I let a mm fool me again. I’m glad that I have the group to lean on it helps me untangle this all.

  • Tricia

    Hi’ ladies. I’ve been read E mails from the lady named Renee Wade her and husband both writes anyway she have one I been reading Why Men Pull Away and what to Do and she have other interesting reads too. Ok their the Founder of the Feminine Woman look it up I think It would give us some insight on some of these men.

  • Tricia

    Hi’ Marlene. I know where U at with your grief stage feeling rejected and alone and lets not forget angry . Don’t allow yourself to even think about him with another woman it does no good for the soul .What I realized is being with a married man only made me realize how lonely I was and how wanted a real relationship with a man who loved and the married man gives us a taste of what we been missing. And don’t worry about being intimate with a man because when U and that man have a true connection the sex thing won’t be a issue because there is a enough of attraction to keep him .And the married man did you favor by setting you free because deserve so much better then crumbs from some man !! And you will not die alone I know your self esteem is shot right now and you are hurting but trust me U will get pass this and find true love but until then love yourself focus on helping somebody else it might make you good ? Do whatever you need to do to make you HAPPY !! And don’t think about if he really cared about you because you will never know the real truth U go crazy first . Good Positive Vibes !!

  • Hayley

    I’ve just finished reading a book on this subject which was very insightful… one line struck me:
    “In order to escape the pain you have to love YOURSELF more than you love the MM”
    How true is this! I’m finding the more I’m focusing on myself, being kind to me, putting myself first for a change the less i care and he’s noticing cause he’s dying to see me suddenly and I’m either ignoring or making excuses not too. In fact when I get his texts I’m rolling my eyes because I’ve finally opened my eyes !!
    It really is about focusing your energy inwards instead of on them. I feel the fog maybe finally lifting.

    • Tricia

      Hi’ Hayley . Good for you when we are apart from the married man you see thing’s so differently and U really realized that you don’t need him only wanted him and that effect or spell they had over us Is slowly fading into black .U get stronger each day and U can one day say thank you for setting me free !! And smile and walk away……. Stay Strong because 14 yrs is along time and he ain’t ready to give up yet ! Good Positive to All the ladies !!

    • Diamond39

      Wow at dying to see you!! What happened to his wife? Smh…

      Im annoyed because I offered to start making vegetable juice for my ex-mm, he hinted he wished someone could make some for him…so now he picks up juice from my house every other day…I feel so sorry for him at times…but I think to myself…why am I doing this!?!? Why cant his wife do it?! Im so done with her…I asked him the other day ” what do you say when you’re asked about the juice”? He said he tells her he makes it….

      Im thinking and she just believes it? Sigh…I hope she’s not drinking my juice-sucks teeth-..

      He was venting about work the other day…he slipped up and said he hates his job, he hates his life…I was shocked when he said this…his life looks blissful on social media…

  • Tricia

    Hi ‘ Anna I’m glad your trip gave your mind and body the rest it need ! And with time U will feel better and will find a man that will see all the beauty in you . Yes it’s a struggle to mend your broken heart and as I said before you will never forget him I know this sound funny but you will look back on this and smile and fondly wish him well and mean it . Continue to stay strong !!!

  • Xxx

    Hi girls, I hope we are all better and recovering from a nightmare. So, I’ve been having the dreams that I’d had just before I met the EX mm. I wake up in the middle of the night dreaming someone (and him) trying to rape me. When I’d first had those dreams before meeting him I thought that there was some danger coming into my life. Then he appeared and I thought he was my savour. Nope, it was a treat that he was coming. So I would like to just remind you again that the mm could be just worse than being the mm, he could be a person with an antisocial personality disorder. Write down the patterns in your relationship because if you see the fluctuations of him leaving and coming back in the same way and at the same time as always as if nothing happened, it is a huge red flag. I have had a great blessing to get in contact with the wife (who is a great person btw) and who was fooled in worse way than me. My mm reached me again asking if I wanted him to make me a child as if he was the most amazing man walking this earth. That was a way to triangulate and make the wife jealous. Luckily, I have only got a mucus coming out as a response. Take care of yourself. Those men do not deserve having such an enormous attention even here. I did not believe that truly evil persons exist, and who would say that “my savour” was the one. Happy Women’ Day to all of you, may you be blissfully happy and literally FREE! Xxx

  • Tricia

    Hi Anna. It’s been 4 months since I last saw my Ex Mm in the first month I thought he would come back after being with the wife (2) Month I was so angry because I couldn’t believe it was over and I thought maybe he got another woman .(3) Month I was hurt because I felt he just erased me from his life and broke contact to tell him how hurt I was .(4) Month I’m ok now he is just a beautiful memory . But tell u this it wasn’t him I really missed it was just having a man in my life who gave me attention that could have been any man but it was him I see things differently now and u will too with time and space U will get pass this as hard as it is . Stay strong good vibes !!

    • anna

      Hi Tricia,
      Today is 31 days since we broke it off and there have been a lot of ups and downs as you correctly stated! I had a few really rough days over the last week. I just got back from a work trip that has left me feeling energized. After work was over, I had some free time in a new environment away where I could roam around in a great city where I was away from everything was wonderful and relaxing. While I was on the flight home I listened to music and was flying high over the ground and did even more thinking and processing. While I was away, my mind was on him the first day or so, but after the 2nd and 3rd day, I was not thinking about him except to process everything clearly and rationally. Today I am back home and I feel good and strong. I am trying to keep this momentum going as long as possible. I really do want to get to the point where I see him as a beautiful memory and am not filled with a deep sense of regret like I threw so much time away. I think the more time passes and the less major ups and downs there are the easier it will be to get to that point. Good vibes going out to all..

      • Xxx

        Bravo Anna! You nailed it! ☺ I just wanted to give you an extra support to keep on going that way! You are a great soul and I hope you can realise it, you have been giving a lot of good vibes to all the women here. So keep on being a role model of how to successfully break that hell cycle and continue to give yourself the importance you deserve! Hugs Xxx

  • Bells Paws

    I am so close to sending my now ex MM an angry letter, telling him exactly how I feel and how sh*ite he’s been. He was so uncaring when we last spoke- he admitted he’d not been honest with me and that he knew all along his commitments and priorities lay elsewhere. He was being selfish, he admitted this too. Someone said in a another post that actually he was committed to his marriage and wife right form the start- this I now know was completely true, and he told me so! I feel furious with him, he really led me on and always avoided answering my direct questions What a *ing bastard. I don’t know about anyone else but I actually find NC gets harder and more painful as time goes on. At the beginning you are full of resolve and determination, but as time goes on I find I weaken and the real sense of loss and grief kicks in…. and that what really hurts the most. Sorry to rant, but i’m fuming. What about everyone else re NC ?

    • Hayley

      Bells Paws – Nooooooooooo don’t do it!!!!
      It will get worse before it gets better you will go through all stages of the grieving process Anger being one of them!
      Ride it out… it will pass.. or write that letter then burn it. Don’t give him the satisfaction it will only feed his ego and it will change nothing.
      Keep going.. one day at a time then one day you will realise the pain is gone. I promise.

    • Leigh ann

      Don’t break the NC. It will get easier. I thought the same thing that it got harder too but I’m getting past it. Is it worth sending him anything? If he responds it will hurt more especially if he already said he was just being a selfish bastard. That’s the one thing that keeps me from contacting him. I don’t want him to say he was being selfish and he just wanted a vacation from his life and he’s working it out with her. That would kill me. And I don’t want to start the whole NC all over. It was hard enough the first time but to put myself through it again would be just too painful. Also I want to keep my dignity in tact. I want to come off like i erased him from my life not the other way around. And I don’t want to be angry anymore. I know it’s so difficult but stay with the NC. Your dignity will be in tact and and your heart will heal quicker if you don’t stay wrapped up in this. And once you have let this go you can open up to someone new who can be with you and will take care if your heart instead of ripping it out of your chest and stomping on it! Lean on this group. We are all in this together. I will be hitting the 6 week mark on Friday and I’m getting on with my life. My heart is finally healing and life is just too short to let someone so selfish and thoughtless drag us down. Be kind to yourself and let yourself heal. In the long run a little pain today is better than a lot more of just the same pain in the future. Remember this is just a dead end and it will always end the same way. Him with his wife and you in tears and pain. Good vibes and strength to make it through. We are all strong women and we will get through this together. And one day we will be writing how we finally someone who adores us 😊. It’s what we deserve and settle for nothing less!

    • anna

      Bells Paws,
      You have to get to the point where the abuse you are putting up with is more painful than the trauma bond. I got to the point where my depression got to be unmanageable. I do agree with you about the NC – I went back and forth for a few months before I got the guts to do it. Some days are still really hard. It is not a linear process. The thing with these mm is that any attention even negative attention is fuel to them. I would not send the letter because it won’t change anything. If you write it, keep it for yourself but don’t send it. You’ve got this. You’ve been extremely strong and you can get through this. Lean on the group.

    • Marlene

      It’s been a month of NC. He hasn’t even bothered to ask if everything is ok with me. I stopped talking to him with no explanation. Go figure. He never cared, I’m now not surprised. Got a feeling he had another married side chick as he frequently injected comments about a married woman he was friends with. He always made a point of mentioning how he spent the evening or afternoon doing favors by fixing things around her family’s home. I felt sick inside each time he said these things. I also never understood why he felt the need to tell me. He rarely ever mentioned his wife, sometimes I questioned if he even had a wife!

      It hurts knowing I meant nothing to him after spending a year of my time hanging out. But then I go back to just hating myself for being so weak, knowing he was married and could offer me nothing but crumbs

      I wont weaken to break the NC at least I am proud of that. But there’s nothing else I feel good about. I dont want to withdraw so much from being hurt that I cant be open to someone new. I’m afraid to get out there frankly. If I do meet a nice single guy, I will need to proceed very slowly. The fear is that men wont accept it & drop me for wanting to hold off on intimacy for awhile. Not all guys are patient about sex.

      I feel really low right now and fear I may die alone.

  • loise

    i thank God for this site God bless the founder of this site ..i pray God strengthens us to get over the feelings we have for this mm ..we are strong and deserve better than them ..

  • anna

    I know girl and I’m not one to give up easily. I feel like I s been beat down so bad. I’ve lost a part of myself in all of this.

  • Jules

    To be blunt: you are spinning your wheels going nowhere with your mm. He is pulling your chain to keep it going. Get out now before you sleep with him and it will be that much more agony when you finally deciede to leave him. And you will eventually.

  • Anna

    I had a weak moment today and broke NC. Today was a day we would have been together as I’m traveling and he would have been with me. We spoke and he told me he misses me and still loves me but he is working on his marriage and his life is changing now. Why did I trust him? I knew all along it was just a dream but I wanted it to be real so badly.
    I wish I could get over this as fast as he could. I wish I could just flip a switch and he would be gone out of my memory!! This pain is so hard.

    • Bells Paws

      Ahhh Anna. I feel for you. Your situation has many parallels to mine. Of course we tell ourselves it was only ever a dream, but part of us wants that dream so much we just can’t bring ourselves to let go of the hope, no matter how small or impossible it may be. Hope is a cruel mistress. It’s a real punch in the stomach hearing them say they are going to work things out with their wife- it extinguishes that tiny hope we hold onto . Its so hard to get over them because they offered so so much, real or not real, – even if it was just a dream, it would have made us whole and our lives complete. Its not easy to live feeling incomplete or missing something so fundamental and that is why its so hard to let go because getting over them means letting go of the hope, the dream. I feel for you girl. I’ve had the same from my MM_ i so believed him, i so wanted him and that dream…..

    • Bells Paws

      Anna, you need to remember how miserable it was with him, because it was so unfulfilling and one sided. No matter how much we want and love, it will not change things or make our dream come true. Its cruel, but we just have to somehow accept this. Its just one of things things in life- unfair, inexplicable, horrible, not right etc but its just the way it is. You told him before that in the future if he tries to come back to you… you will not be there for him. Remember this. There is no point in continuing with him, its going no where. Its not real. Remember how depressed and unhappy it makes you . Hold onto your dignity and pride and do what you have to do. I’m feeling it with you.

    • Leigh ann

      Awwww Anna I’m sorry you are hurting. I know what it’s like to keep the hope alive but what has me staying strong besides all the stories on this site is the fear I will hear those words that he is trying to work it out with her. I don’t want to hear those words because it will kill me. I am almost at 6 weeks of NC now and it has been a painful journey. I barely slept or ate. Today is the first day in 6 weeks that I made food for myself which means I’m finally on the mend. I am a very happy person but this kicked me in the stomach. I changed and I don’t like that at all. I’m finding my way back and the realization that he’s a selfish pr*^k is helping. Be kind to yourself and start the NC again. We are all human and we want to have someone to go through life with but we deserve someone who can be with us fully not lie to us and make us feel like we are just a side piece of ass. When you have weak moment lean on the group as we are all having our struggles with this and we are the only ones who can understand fully. Hugs and good vibes to you 🤗

      • Anna

        Hi ladies. You are all wonderful women and have bent more helpful to me than you may realize. Thank you all for being there. You are all so strong and empathetic women!! The last few days have been a bit better as I’ve been busy and my mind is off him. One day at a time. Hugs to everyone. Love love!!

  • Jasmine

    Hi Ladies, I met my MM last summer at a conference. He told me from the start that he was married and I could tell he loved her because he couldn’t stop talking about her. While hanging out after the workshops at the conference, I noticed he was staring mighty hard at me. On the 3rd day, he told me I was gorgeous and all the men at the conference were dumb for not trying to take me out. Once he said that, I knew he liked me. I did like him too. We talked and laughed a lot to the point our cheeks started to hurt. It was pretty obvious we had chemistry and we were attracted to each other. After the conference, we stayed in touch. Hour long phone calls turned into hour long FaceTimes. He told me he was having problems in his marriage. He and his wife got married after dating for 2 years. They been married for 5 years so they been together for7 Years. He said they have nothing in common and she constantly gets mad at him because he jokes a lot. He’s a really good man and he told me he’s never stepped out on his wife. I told him if he’s having problems why not go to counseling, but he said his wife doesn’t want to go. He said he wants a divorce, but he doesn’t want to hurt his wife’s feelings. He told me he’s in love with and I’m in love with him, but this situation is killing me. It’s been 6 months that we been talking and I’m starting to get in my feelings. He knows the situation is affecting me and he feels like a horrible person. I know I need to leave him alone, but I can’t. We live in different states, but he manages to call me everyday. I get really weak every time I hear his voice. We never had sex or even kissed, but my feelings for him are way too strong. I can tell he has feelings for me too. I know he’ll never leave his wife, but he keeps telling me I don’t know what the future holds. Him and his wife don’t have any kids so I don’t understand why he won’t leave if there’s trouble in paradise. On Christmas, he told me his wife said her life sucked for the past year. He was very upset, but didn’t really ask her why. They’re relationship is kinda weird to me. Anyway, I really do believe he’s in love with me. I just feel a little crazy for wanting him to be with me even though we only been talking for several months. Like I said earlier, we have chemistry, a lot in common, and never had a single argument. I need to get over him or maybe wait to see if he’ll leave. What do you ladies think I should do?

    • Bells Paws

      @Jasmine
      Eeek! I feel your longing and your pain. You are torn in opposite directions. What should you do? If you think its hard now, it will be harder if you get more involved in him. Living so far apart should make it easier to keep him a way and not let things go any where further. But sometimes despite knowing what we should do, the pull is just too strong. If you can why not say to him “If your situation changes, should you become single, then get in touch.” This way he knows you’re interested but you’ve set the boundaries and left the door open for him. My bet is he won’t come to you single, but at least you’ve done the right thing and got your answer. If you can’t resist, you’ll end up meeting up and having a long distance affair, don’t beat yourself up, but just know very very clear form the very onset what lies in store for you.

  • Irma Hernandez

    I think God works in mysterious ways. Friday I stumbled to this website when searching for prayers.
    Reading all these testimonials from you amazing souls moved me so much that I could not put my phone down. I met my MM in the same building I work in. A year ago he approached me to introduce himself and let me know how he admired my fashion taste. I was very flattered to hear that and realized how attractive he was, not noticing this in the past 2 years of seeing him around. Long story short, he never wears a wedding band so I assumed he was single. I confided in a friend, and she convinced me to make the first move. I did, by work email and soon after enjoyed getting to know one another. I found it odd that he would not ask me out on a formal date so I confronted him by email and that is when I learned he was married. He apologized for the inappropriate behavior on his part, we did not speak again until last October, work related, and I was vulnerable at the time and the contact by email started up again. I fell In love, he says he did too. We only met 3 times and made out like teenagers in my car. We never got intimate because he would cancel any opportunity we had.
    Last Thursday he simply could not go through this because we were already hurting each other and he still loves his wife even though it was not the same with me. I respect that he is stopping this now, and I agreed, but this all left me aching and confused of what happened to me, the perfect Catholic women.

    • Xxx

      Hi Irma, I don’t want to attack your believe system, but if you think it got to do anything with religion, i’m out of here. This can happen to anyone no matter “perfect catholic” or not.
      Now back to your story, that was a classical pattern of MM and OW. What I realized is that we may consider ourselves “used” but we agreed on being involved at certain point and refused to look at the red flags. Now we are all here representing the same stories and hopping the mm would one day realize that they love us, dump their wives and marry us. This is what all of us thought at some point, we admit it or not. But this is just an addiction, I do not see that as love. For me, love would be talking nice things about partners, clearing things with them and let them be. Unconditional love. But we all came here to share stories how our mm is the worst of all mms ever. So, that was an addiction because we were so obssessed with them and did not give us opportunity to meet someone else. And that is the key – break your addiction any way you know. Withdraw from him by going no contact. The NC is the best thing you can do when dealing with mms, narcissists, psychopaths and so on. You get your appetite back and dont obssess over someone’s husband who btw is a free soul to choose to leave his wife if he doesnt want to stay in marriage but he is still there. Maybe he is a coward? So do you want to spend the rest of your life with a coward? I don’t think so.
      Just be easy on yourself and take your time to heal by going NC and focusing on all the things you were before meeting the mm. Good luck X

    • Tricia

      Irma H. Thanks for sharing your story . Nothing happened to U but a chance encounter with a married man that awoke something inside of you that made U feel special .Appreciate his honesty with U and choosing to end thing’s with U before you really fell head over heels for him because these affairs never last long and if they do it include aot of patients on your part and plus U are lonely and sometimes feel used . So be thankful it end and go NC even if he come back later ! Wait for your own husband . Good Luck Stay Strong.

  • Jules

    Over the past 2 days I have had some painful moments and wishes that my ex mm and I were still together.
    Once again you all have helped me so much to stay in reality! I don’t miss him as much as I miss the contact with someone. Absolutely true!
    Also he is overall, happily married and I was only a sexual crutch to keep him fulfilled in his marriage.
    His wife weighs almost 300 pounds. He’s not attracted to her. He showed me pictures out her. I insisted because I didn’t trust him.
    He told me that he does love her. She is originally from Lithuania. And they have a close circle of Lithuanian community around them. Even though my ex married man is not lithuanian, he is Canadian.
    He definitely feels connected and enjoys the social aspects of the community.
    So yes, I was a secret sexual crutch just to add to his life and make him all the more content in his current situation. One of the last conversations that I had with my bitch boy, I told him, “quit bringing other people into your marriage! You are such a selfish coward! Your answer to fixing the unfulfilled aspects of your marriage is to hide out in another woman’s pu**y in the shadows! You are so LAME!!” He is an egotistical medical doctor so my words especially stung his ego.
    How humiliating and embarrassing for me to have allowed myself to be used like that.
    Thank you again ladies for everything. I’m back on track again with my thinking. Going to much needed therapy appointment today.

    • Leigh ann

      Good on you Jules! That’s so great that you told him exactly the truth. I know these men say they are happy in their marriages…. they are not. They convince themselves they are so that they don’t lose the things they have… house money extended family etc. But it’s just they have resigned themselves to that so they don’t have to face the pain and crappiness of divorce. So instead they do things like screw around on their wives. My MM asked me a long time before I ever got involved with him how I knew when it was time to leave because I had the strength to leave my spouse. I was thinking probably now since you are asking me 🤔. I didn’t see him again for months after that and when I did I was not going to get involved with any MM. we just talked for months before we ever did anything. He had me convinced that he really wanted to leave but didn’t know how to get out. He always said he wanted my strength. They aren’t happy they are cowardly and don’t want to face the hard situations. So who wants a giant chicken s^*t? Stay strong!

  • Anna

    Bells Paws,
    He missed you but he is committed to working things out with his wife…, this is similar to what happened with my mm and me over and over. Sometimes I even felt like I was the third wheel in their marriage propping then up and making it easier for him to stay because I made him happy…And this is why for me NC needs to be permanent, even though I am struggling today really bad. . It’s a horrible feeling. I am so sorry.

  • Bells Paws

    So after 1 month N C i was doing so well. I was pleased with myself and knew i’d done the right thing. Then he gets back in contact. He said he can’t give me anymore but he misses me. One thing leads to another and we ended up back in bed. It didn’t feel good or right at all. In fact I felt wretched. Then we had a frank conversation. He told me upfront for the first time, that he knew all along we had no future and no potential, he had deliberately strung me along, he didn’t answer my questions or be honest with me, he was being selfish and he wanted the best of all worlds. He knew i had invested heavily in him and he had given me false hopes and a wrong understanding of the situation. Bit late telling me all this now afterwards, this is what i needed to know at the beginning. Then he said thanks to me he’s now more committed to his marriage and wife and its reinforced his commitment and feelings towards her and his family and he wants to make that work so they’re going to work things out between them. So i’ve been sad and felt a sense of loss but now i feel furious. What a selfish lying bastard. He so lead me on and took all my affection and love knowing all along he couldn’t reciprocate any of it and now he has the balls to be open. And what is more I’ve actually saved his marriage and motivated his to salvage things! I feel so angry.

    • Leigh-ann

      Thank you for sharing that! I was struggling with the NC but you have helped me. That has always been my fear about contacting him. That he will say he realizes he wanted to make his marriage work. That would just open the wounds wider. I hope that you are able to heal. We are strong and we will make it.

    • Tricia

      Hi’ Bells Paws. I’m sorry things didn’t workout the way U hoped just go back to N/C we all at some point backslide it’s a learning experience don’t beat yourself love we human and make mistakes . Stay Strong positive good vibes !!!

    • Leigh ann

      Thank you for your story! I have been struggling with the NC. I have not spoken to him in 5 weeks now and some days it kills me. My biggest fear was that if I did contact him that I would get the outcome that you experienced. I feel terrible for you that he is a terrible person who is nothing but selfish. I hope that you will heal from this and you will find love that isn’t selfish. You deserve so much better as we all do. 😊

    • Bells Paws

      Thanks so much girls. I feel so shite!!! So bad. 1) I am furious with myself for giving into all his sweet talk after having made this decision and seeing the NC through and 2) he was so heartless and so unemotional and uncaring towards me. He said he’s been married for 20 years and I have served to reinforce his determination to make things work.; he is not going to give it all up and he said they will stay together forever. They are going to marriage counselling. I gave him everything but he never had any true feelings for me. Instead i’ve helped him with his commitment to his marriage and making it work!!! Gawd, do i feel like shite today. I’ve even thought about revenge. But its negative and won’t help me in the long run, i’ve been reading a lot about it. i can’t change him or his situation , i just need to put all my energy into me and getting myself strong and understanding the role i played in it all and building myself up so i never fall for it again. I want to take responsibility for myself and recognise the problems i need to address in me. But OMG its not easy. There are times i just want to blow the world up. i spent the past 3 days drafting a letter to him, venting everything i wanted to tell him. I was dying to send it to him, to let him know how much he has hurt me BUT I am decided I am not going to send it. Its negative, its just me trying to shift my crap feelings on to him and it just keeps the drama alive, Its not actually helpful to me. The only closure is a complete break and i need to reinforce my resolve to this. .I need to accept the situation for what it was, get him out of my life totally and focus on me and my self esteem and my own meaning and purposes in life. And also address the underlying causes in me that made me so susceptible to his charms and fleeting affections and attention etc. and really move on , i mean really move on . But OMG is not easy when all i want to do is shout and scream at him and tell his wife and all his in laws , family and snobby network of friends……

      • Leigh ann

        I know you feel like absolute s^*t today but remember he is the one who has the problem. He is a lying cheating bastard and most likely he will continue to cheat and the marriage will eventually implode. And that’s the best revenge. Remember once a cheater always a cheater and he says he’s going to be with her forever?? Maybe he thinks so but she will wake up one day and kick him to the curb! Your life will be better off without him and you will find true love with someone who’s not a lying bastard! Keep your head held high and be strong! We all have our stories and are finding support from each other one minute at a time one hour at a time one day at a time. 😊

      • Tricia

        Bells Paws. I’m sorry and I don’t want to come off as harsh but your married man is full of crap !! Chances are he was already committed to his relationship and his marriage to his wife and family and you didn’t help his marriage out he told U a complete lie !! How could U miss someone and then turn around and insulted and hurt their heart ? These married men will tell U anything to get U in bed they don’t really care about Us !! Don’t worry about his wife and what he see in her and don’t compare yourself too her .U are beautiful U are a diamond in a ruff and one day a wonderful man will see all your beauty sweetie !! Don’t let your Ex Mm break U because that was his intentions all along to bring U down he saw you doing well without him he didn’t have to tell U that it’s better ways to end relationship without hurting someone feelings . Again positive good vibes !

  • Laura

    Hello, so i have a relationship with a mm for almost 3 years, im maried too ( my english is not so good im spanish) it was not physical it was emotional for 2 years and last year it became physical… both our spouses found out and we talk the four of us, and we broke up infront of them and said sorry… he didn’t fight for me, it was his chance to ended and be with me but again it was my chance too and I didn’t leave… we ended for 3 month and then he came back.. its been a year of us seeing each other, feeling stronger about each other and most important very very careful so know one finds out this time . I know he loves me, he treat me like a princess he doesn’t care at all a what time i talk to him or call him he always pick up or goes somewhere so he doesn’t make me feel bad, he give me very expensive gifts.. but yesterday we broke up because we where fighting alot, i fight alot because i want more and im
    Soooo jelous of his wife… but then again i think to my self if he really leaves her would i leave my husband? Im so addictive to this guy.. im so broken how can i stop this addiction. I have a beautiful family, my husband is sooo good ( and super good looking hahaha) he would never do anything to hurt me… but in the end im so inlove with the idea of being with my mm. I hope you guys can give
    Me advies thank you

  • Leigh-ann

    So it has almost been 5 weeks now since my last contact with my MM. I am still a bit sad but I think I’m more upset about losing what I thought the relationship was not the reality. I have finally told myself that my dignity is going to stay in tact. Being broken up with by text shows a level of disrespect I didn’t deserve. So I’m keeping my chin up and my dignity has returned. I would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn’t respect me enough to give me more than the leftovers of his time. Every day I get stronger and more aware that I’m so much better than the person I was when I was with him. I was hurting someone i didn’t know and that’s just not me. Stay strong everyone. We are now available for someone who will give us all their time. And we are also taking a lesson from this… we know what we absolutely will not put up with again. Good positive vibes to everyone. 😊

    • anna

      So so proud of you for how far you have come and your strength and dignity returning. I can’t wait to get as far as you are. Today is 11 days for me and I am feel a whole lot different over the past two days. The addictive feeling has passed and I feel a lot stronger and clearer. I realize how degrading the relationship was and it’s hard to believe I let myself get into this. I’ve been getting out and exercising, taking medication which I’m sure is helping as is the NC. 🙂

      • Leigh-ann

        That’s awesome Anna! You are doing well! I am having a bit of a difficult day today as these next few days are the days we would have spent together. But I have made a resolve that the best thing I can do for myself is get involved in things I like to do and for sure go back to the gym. I figure it’s the law of numbers. The more I get out the more I meet people I meet and the more likely I am to meet someone who might be the person to give his time. We will all get there and we have each other to help us through all this. Stay strong 💪🏻

        • Anna

          I know exactly how you feel! We were supposed to go away together next week so I’m sure I will be thinkng about him. I look at his photo sometimes and miss him. But I don’t miss the depression. All of that is starting to go away and I realize it was like a drug. I have had moments where I want to break no contact but I just can’t go back to that… the thought of being that messed up and how wrong the whole thing was keeps me strong. Hope you are having a wonderful day 😇

          • Leigh-ann

            I am having one of those moments when I want to break the NC today. I’m struggling to deal with the void that has been left. A part of me keeps hoping he will contact me and tell me he misses me but like you I don’t want to go back to that. I’m tired of spending my birthday alone Christmas alone and just getting scraps of time. I tell myself everyday that he’s married and it’s a total dead end no matter how we got along or felt for each other. I’m not ready to date yet because I’m not over it but I am going to keep getting out and living my life and hope that I can get past this. Staying strong 💪🏻. Hope you are doing well today.

        • Anna

          Leigh-Ann
          I know you said the last few days are days you would have spent together with your mm. Just be strong and hang in there. I have had days I want to break NC too. Where I think I miss him. I talked to my therapist about it and she made me realize I really don’t miss him I just miss having someone to talk to. Reach out to the group when you want to break NC and talk to us. You can get through this. Keep yourself open for someone who can love you 100%. Hugs xx

  • Sarah

    So after 2 months of no contact I went to see the MM yesterday. I am so angry at myself. We are all strong independent women so i don’t know why we allow these MM to walk all over us time and time again. We are enabling these men to stay married by being there when they need us. They are obviously unhappy within their marriages but we give them the release which keeps them satisfied. They will never ever leave their wives for us. they have the wife looking after the kids, home, emotional needs etc and then there’s us for all the physical. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

      • anna

        Speaking from my personal experience with my mm here, but I asked him the question and he confessed to me that he was “happy enough” within his marriage. I took it to mean that the sex was not frequent or exciting enough and perhaps his wife did not give him the validation he was looking for. He later elaborated that he loved me and loved his wife in a “different way”. When I asked him to explain, he stated that he loved me in a romantic way and he loved his wife in a family/best friend way. No, I do not believe that they are unhappy in their marriages. I think that they are comfortable in their marriages and that ending it would be extremely difficult and costly and would make them look like the ‘bad guy’ to kids, family and friends….and they get something from both of us. Their wives fulfill their needs at home and we fulfill something else. They are getting needs met from both and don’t want to give up either one. Why should they if they can get both?

        • Jules

          Excellent point and honest conclusion Anna. I could not agree more.

          I have had many conversations with my ex-mm, that confirms everything you said.

          I still say his rationale is very selfish however, you get what you put up with and during my time with him. I was putting up with it..

        • Sarah

          Anna – yes i understand what you’re saying, my MM has also told me he’s happy in his marriage but what i mean is that i don’t believe they’re 100% happy. I mean, the fact that they go out and cheat proves that. If you were happily in love with someone would you really want someone else? They may be content and happy to an extent but there’s definitely something missing.

          • Anna

            They are not happy people in general. They are looking for someone to make them feel good, happy, alive, anything and they prey on people who have empathy and run them dry. It’s not about their marriages it’s about them. Otherwise they’d leave, any normal person wouldn’t live a life of deceit and hurting so many people.

        • Bells Paws

          Hi Anna- your situation is very like mine. His marriage is not THAT bad, its OK, Overall, he gets a lot from it and its fulfilling: they have a wide social network, extended family and friends and a lot of social outlets they share. He has a lovely big house and 2 lovely children. He and his wife co habite and run the ‘family business” amicably and functionally together. It works well enough and he has too much to lose. Things may not be perfect with his wife (he tells me they haven’t had sex for years) but it could be a lot worse and other than the lack of sex its a satisfying and comfortable set up. He ‘fancies’ me and we have great sexual chemistry and attraction- i make him feel appreciated and wonderful and young! So i feel the situation is very similar to what you describe- he gets his security, social status and comforts met at home- that’s his life and meaning- but he gets his kicks and personal appreciation from me on the side. All together its a great set up for him and i toe the line and fit into this for him, He calls all the shots at his convenience and I am always available. Its true, he has too much to lose and he won;t give it up and I can understand why. He’s been married to her for 25 yrs. I saw some pictures of her- she’s not attractive and has put on weight in recent yrs, but then she is in her 50s and mother to his 2 children. I am a much younger, prettier, slim , fit female who adores and worships him- its all very understandable but its also all very sad and heart breaking for me.

          • Bells Paws

            He has a very high powered and respected job too that gives him status and a lot of fulfilment. His life is good other than the lack of sex- now he gets this from me his life is complete. Its just that after the initial excitement he had, he then made my place all so clear- weekends and evenings are all out of bounds. I can expect no more from him than a fortnightly hook up at his convenience, all his commitment , love and priority lie elsewhere. It came from him lavishing me with compliments and attention to me now having to keep in my place and toe the line. I totally adore him and he knows it. Heartbreaking .

          • Anna

            He always told me that no one made me feel as good as I did and that he loved me like no one else. His wife has put on a lot of weight… well over 100 lbs… and he is not physically attracted to her anymore…. but he still loves her as the mother of his kids and they have a big extended family and social network. At the end of it all he just can’t hurt her and look like the bad guy in front of all those people but he can sure hurt me. It is so maddening. He has done this to me over and over. I know exactly what you are going through. I am so so sorry… I am here for you.

  • Hayley

    I need your strong vibes today ladies.. was doing so well in NC but taken a huge step back which resulted in me lashing out at him and telling him to grow a pair.. his response ? “You’re mental” so that’s it.. all these years boils down to me being “Mental” well I guess the truth hurts for him.. he doesn’t like being called out on his crap!
    I reckon there’s no gong back from this now so it’s probably over for good doubt he will dare contact me again. Sick of pussy footing around these men.. glad I stuck up for myself.
    I know that’s a good thing but it just doesn’t feel like it at the moment so I’ll take the kids football put them to bed, delete his number, have a good cry then it’s back on the NC bandwagon I go.. day 1 here I go..!! Roll on day 600!!!

    • Tricia

      Hi’ Hayley . I think that is a part of the Healing process to release all that built up pain and anger at your Ex Mm at some point iI did it too I called my Ex Mm a ( coward ) which he is he didn’t really care thou and I too deleted his number so I won’t get tempted to ever call him. U should be so proud of yourself because U had the opportunity to continue your affair and U choose not to U are starting to see that U deserve better and not too settle for less ! And when we (ladies ) really see that we can walk away without looking back ! I wish U positive good vibes !!!

    • anna

      I had a similar moment with my mm… where I told him that in the future if he tries to come back…I don’t care where I am or what I am doing, I will not be there for him. I don’t care if I am alone. I am not his backup girl. I wonder if how he would have felt if anyone treated his daughters the way he treated me? Would he be okay with it? It just disgusts me to think about all of it now.

      • Jules

        Anna,

        Funny you should say that about his daughters. My ex mm has one daughter and I said the exact same thing to him. He immediately chose to take my comment as an insult, which is very comical. I told him that I said that as a way to try to squeeze some empathy out of his narcissistic heart. Then I said, “I don’t blame you for being offended. I wouldn’t want my daughter with a married narcissist like you either”.

  • Tricia

    Sue . I couldn’t agree with more girl everything u said is true and what really keep me from going back number 1 reason The feeling of being used or feeling cheap after he lefted he tried to not make me feel that why but I did . But U are Amazing and a Strong woman keep doing U !!!

  • Tricia

    Hi,Marlene. Thank you for responding back. I’m sorry about the lost of your friend and that U couldn’t attend his funeral that must have been heartbreaking . Yes I agree with U married men do know who to target because I wasn’t In a good place when I met my Ex Mm .I must admit I miss him I’m trying to stay strong that’s why I deleted his information so I won’t be tempted to call plus I’m not going to pursue no man and I think that’s what he wants me to do for his EGO nope not happening I do realize I deserved better and I should’ve never settled for a married man because of what I’m going thru now . Until I found this site I felt so alone with this secret that I could share with nobody and I read these ladies stories and it Breaks my Heart that so many ladies are Hurting out there .I do believe In some cases that some of these men really do care about their mistress but cannot afford the lost or risk of getting a divorce .I think U are a strong woman U cut contact something I could never do and yes he is trying to hold on to you but continue to stay strong and be the lovely woman you are !! Good Vibes.

  • anna

    so… for years my mm and his wife have had an oscar party at their home and he always puts on a tuxedo and invites a ton of their friends over.. tonight is oscars night so tonight he’ll be in a tux with a cocktail in his hand… I’ve been keeping busy all weekend but today is hard.
    I can’t just flip a switch like he could. I’m trying. Still practicing NC.

    • Riya

      Sending you hugs Anna. Today is another new day and I hope it’s better for you. The waves of sadness come and go but I guess we are fighting it and moving on a bit by bit, am sure that counts for a lot.

    • Tricia

      Hi,Anna. I feel your pain even thou it’s been 3 1/2 since I last saw my Ex Mm it’s still hurts I miss his presence and the sound of his voice . I spend 2 months just being plain angry and mad at him now I’m mostly sad and I feel abandon and like he just erased me from his life and I’m scared to date anyone right now . I read your post when U said U took your married man back after 2 years well so did I and the sad part Is I feel if I see him again I would fall all over again because I’m so alone and weak to him the only thing keeping me strong Is the N/C and his absent from my life .So Hang In there Anna It Is a rough road but U are so not alone In your journey In Healing and Recovery !! Sending U Positive Good Vibes !!

  • Leigh-ann

    I have been reading the comments on here and I am so glad I found this. I have been going through the break up process as well. My mm lived in another city and came out for business once a month. At first I rebuffed his advances because I did not want to be part of this but somehow I succumbed. I know my part was that I was lonely and it was nice to have the attention. He treated me pretty well when he was here but when he wasn’t sometimes I would not hear from him for a couple of days. I just always wrote it off to being busy with his job and businesses. At first he was so open with his feelings. Telling me he connected with me like no one else and he told me he loved me almost right away. I was thinking yikes that can’t be. But as time went on I grew to care about him. We were together for a year and a half and then just in January he disappears for 5 days and when I hear from him again he says he can’t be in his life right now and that the time we had together was amazing and that he was sure our paths would cross again. I was shocked. He was supposed to come out here in 5 days. He said he needed time and that he was going to miss me but he always had this pain inside he couldn’t explain. Yeah guilt for being an a$$hole. Not only was it 5 days before he was supposed to be here but it was while I was at work over text. Like seriously. You couldn’t actually respect me enough to come face to face or call me. He said that his situation couldn’t change… I think he’s into the it’s cheaper to keep her. It took me a few days to process it all and when I did I wrote him and told him to sort his life out how he needed to. That was 4 weeks ago today. I have cried….. on my way to work on my way home in my home at my work and it has been painful but I knew it was a bad idea and in the end I guess I deserved this for getting involved. I cried this morning as well until I found this. I have read all your comments and it made me finally see things with clarity. It has been 30 days with NC and it’s been hard but I am not giving in. I know that if there was contact the hurt would start all over and I can’t do that. I have a friend who knew the story and she has been a shoulder to cry on. Thank you to everyone here who helped me with my healing. I’m so glad that I am not alone. Also my mm was not a young man with young children. His children were grown and I too have grown children. I was old enough to know better ☹️

    • Xxx

      Hey there, hang in.. 30 days NC is a great achievement and dont give up. The age does not matter at all, we are all humans. But I guess reading all the stories here with no “positive” outcome opens eyes. If it helps, I would never want to re-unite with my mm again. In fact, I regret that part in my life. Although there are some good sides that I can still find in that relationship, it was not worth it. Sending you good vibes! XX

      • Leigh-ann

        Thank you for the good vibes. Today is the first day that I think I am actually starting to feel normal again. It is actually an eye opener when you read there has not been one positive outcome. I am so glad that I have found this site and everyones stories. I don’t feel so alone anymore. I am going into 5 weeks of NC!

        • Xxx

          Bravo for that! Yes, stories are not encouraging at all. But the wives’ stories are also not any nicer. I happened to visit some forums before, maybe that can additionally help you to maintain your NC for good. Xx

  • Jules

    “A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will come to light. Time has a way of showing people’s true colors.”

  • Anna

    Today was the worst day I have had in years. I thought I was doing okay with all of this but today it just kicked in somehow and punched me in the stomach. I made it about 1/3 of the way through my day and broke down. I have NEVER in 20 years lost it at work ever. Therapy appointment Saturday and I can’t wait to start venting…. I feel like my life is falling apart and I hate myself for letting myself get this low and put so much faith in in a fantasy. Riya – my god, you really hit the nail on the head when she spoke of the lack of empathy and how inhumane it feels. One day at a time right now… hope all of you are doing well…. xo

    • Leigh-ann

      I feel your pain Anna. I have been breaking down at work on and off for 4 weeks. I am so hurt but I will make it through. Just know that you are not alone but in your pain and break down at work. Be strong you will make it through. 😊

        • Leigh ann

          Hi Anna. Everyday gets better. I’m coming to the point that I’m just angry. I knew better and plunged head first into situation that was doomed from the start. And angry with him that he just texted me the break up instead of being a man and facing me. I hope that you are feeling better and stronger every day. There will be someone out there that will love us with no deception. 😊

          • anna

            I have those feelings too. I wasted a lot of time on him. Years I won’t yet back. It was a dead end. I had my first therapy appointment today and the counselor helped me with some exercises on mindfulness. Staying in the present moment. We will get through this and be stronger 😊

  • Laurie

    I met my married man at work. He wasn’t at all my type but I was liking a lot his compliment. After he offered a few times to give me a lift home we start to speak on WhatsApp. Day to day he offered me a lot of innocent moments like sunsets or trips without touching me. After 1 month and half I give him a first kiss. One month later we made love. He never promise nothing, he was honest about his situation and I still fall in. We stay together from November last year till 3 days ago when I write to him a beautiful letter where I was saying how much he meant for me but was an also goodbye letter. He called me and ask me if I’m sure about my decision and I replied yes but I was crying, he said don’t forget that I love you but I will never bother you again. I want you to be happy, I want you to choose me . It wasn’t for the first time that I said goodbye, but this time he accepted, he didn’t call or text me . Im in the house, crying because I miss him. I have to tell you that I have 34 years old I broke up after a long relationship of 16 years, but never ever a man did what he did for me, he was loving, caring, worried about me, I like to believe that he truly loved me!

    • Xxx

      Laurie, hi. If he loved you so much he would have chosen you above everything, keep that in mind. If you can manage to accept the odds of a “secret love” and “choosing him” as he suggested while his choice is to stay with his wife and not fighting for your love, but simply letting you go, then keep on going like that. But your decision to stop does not come out of blue, it means you think you deserve more and that is a smart choice. I hope you choose yourself over him. Good luck

      • Laurie

        I’m still waiting for him to fight for me , even deep in my heart I know that is better for me that he doesn’t do it. I didn’t text or call, this is the 4th day, hard for me…..but will be more hard because tomorrow I have to see him at work, and I don’t know how to react or behave. Hopefully I will be the strong women and let my brain speak not my 💓.
        Thanks for the kind words XXx

        • Tricia

          Hi ,Laurie ! If u truly ready for N/C then good for you Sweetie ! But if not you probably won’t follow thru on it you have to want the relationship over or just plain tired of him and the ups and downs . But I’m sending you positive vibes stay strong !

  • anna

    So ladies… I have to update you… I have been doing so good with NC that I didn’t even realize my mm wrote me 7 hours ago. In it he said that he never meant to hurt me, he knows his actions did not make any sense and that he was incredibly conflicted, he woke up every single day obsessing over what he was doing to everyone. He knew he was not giving me what I deserved… that he has never been so connected to anyone, and he kept lying to himself that he was making me happy over and over again. He now realizes he was ripping me to shreds and that he was a child for thinking he could make me happy and then go home and make his family happy. He said that he hates that he has changed me from the lively, loving person I once was and that he is having trouble living with himself. he closed it by saying that he hopes I find some peace on a vacation that I have planned coming up in May and he wishes it were sooner (obviously alluding to the fact that this is goodbye). Honestly, to me it didn’t feel genuine… who apologizes by email after all this time has passed? So they can quickly turn the page of this messy chapter and go back to their “real life” with their families intact. I’m extremely angry with him but won’t give him the satisfaction of a response. There’s a special place in hell for these men…

    • Tricia

      Hi, Anna . Well at least he tried and had some type of remorse it’s never to late for an apology or closure . My Ex Mm would never give me proper apology or closure even when I express my thoughts to him about how he left his response is ( Damn Really ?) That was the fuel I needed to delete his number and his lovely texts when things were good . So oh well . Stay Strong the best Is yet to come !!

    • Xxx

      Great Anna for not replying! How he remembered to write an apologising letter just before your holiday when you are expected to have a great time and can potentially meet someone worth your attention. Sometimes it is very easy to recognize the behavioral patterns of these men if we are not blinded by obsessing over them. Let them be out of our sight and out of our mind, indifference is the best revenge.

    • Tammy

      Anna, Your anger is keeping you strong and is exactly what you should be!! He’s baiting you wt that email to see where you are, continue to be strong wt your NC. This a game for them since they are bored at home, if they wanted out they could!! People get divorced daily and go after what they truly want, these men are users and love attention!! Be strong, you deserve better and it will come along!!

      • Jules

        Yes Anna. I agree with everything Tammy said.
        She is 100% correct.

        People get divorced everyday and they go after what they want. Our mm don’t really want us, or they would be with us.

        Thank you Tammy. I am going through a rough patch today. What you said to Anna helped me.

        • Tammy

          Jules, I am glad I could help even if it was a just a bit, stay strong wt the no contact and anger is us waking up and taking back our control!! There are men out there that will move mountains for us but if we are busy entertaining MM we will be unavailable to find what was truly meant for us!! We deserve something better than someone else’s husband, we all fall at times but it’s now time to pick ourselves up and know we deserve and can find better!!

  • Tricia

    Belle Paws . Please cancel your meeting with your married man Wed. I know U miss him and want his attention and love. But he only gonna take U to bed a couple of times and leave U feeling like trash later on when he leave and go back to his wife and the sad part is you’ll be wanting more of him knowing that U deserve better and that U settled for crumbs ! I know how hard it is to let go because we invested our lives into these married men and some of these men sold us ladies a pipe dream but that all it is a dream that will never be reality. I remember every time my Ex Mm came over I had lingerie on smelling good ,food if he wanted it and I would scrub that man body down girl and In the end that meant nothing to him and he left me . I hope U realize what U are doing and change your mind U deserve so much better and a man u can bring home and introduce to family and friends and be proud of calling him your man and he make U a priority always .

  • Heather

    Day 3 of NC. I got on this site looking for guidance and clarity because I am scared of being this sad for the rest or my life. A little back story and complete honesty, please don’t judge: 11 Years ago I started an affair with an old high school friend after our mutual friend was killed in a car accident. We leaned on each other for support and ultimately entered what would turn into a a full blown unexpected love affair. The physical attraction wasn’t even there at first and I guess that is why I felt safe having lunches, shopping and then the casual “have you ever been to the mountains this time of the year.” Before we knew it we were traveling a lot, and finding ourselves yearning to always be together at any costs. As months went by we both decided we wanted to be together and divorce our spouses but we had young children and had planned to wait. Six years into the affair his wife ask him for a divorce, not because she found out about the affair but because of her claims of verbal and emotional abusive. I have been at the receiving end of this from time to time with him so there is a ring of truth behind it. When his wife filed for divorce he expected me to leave immediately. To be honest, I was scared to give up the lifestyle I was use to. My husband was the breadwinner, my daughter was in private school and we enjoyed nice things. The thought of disrupting her life for my happiness was something I couldn’t bring myself to do. I eventually shut off contact with him. He eventually entered Alcohol treatment for 3 months. We had no contact for over a year. when he was released he contacted me because I was part of his step program to make amends with someone he wronged. He had remarried someone and I was still married myself. The affair started again. This time was different, our kids were older and I was ready to be with this person that I thought was the love of my life. A year into the “new” affair I left my husband and filed for divorce. He was still married but promised by the end of the year he would leave. Here I am three years later and he still hasn’t left. He says he still wants me but just “doesnt have a time frame.” He gets mad at me when I go out with friends or take girl trips. I havent touched another man nor do I want to but he gets jealous of the mention of one. I am lonely and tired of being second in his life. Planning trips only to have him cancel them or cut short for various reasons. He can’t hide money from her so I basically pay for everything with exception of the occasional fast food. This week I finally told him how i feel and the verbal abuse started so I have ended contact with him and blocked him. I want to stop this cycle of co dependency. I want to finally put a period to this. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. He’s been my confidant nearly every day for the last 11 years with exception to the year he went to rehab and got married, even typing that sounds pathetic. It’s not sexual, most times he can’t even perform. The past few years we have been intimate about 3 times a year. I guess I am looking for someone to tell me he was using me, he was never leaving this woman, he’s abusive and yea I’ve been a fool. I know all this but it doesnt make this feel any better.

    • Tricia

      Hi, Heather. No one can judge U here because we all are there or been there . We all feel like we lost a best friend In these men but there really not our BEST FRIENDS ! It’s just the feeling of being connected to someone the closeness we felt . But the reality Is we are a temporary fix’s sold on a dream of what could have been everybody get used and play the fool U know the song so did get hung up on that. It’s nothing U can do to change the past just accept your affair and try to forgive yourself and all the pain your married man gave U and that will take along time but it is possibly . Know your worth U don’t need a man too validate U or complete U ! U are a wonderful woman who have alot to offer your man Is out there waiting on you to give you the relationship U so desire and put U first . Stay Strong It’s Struggle but God got U Girl !!

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Heather,
      No need to worry about judgement here . We all have a story. We are not here to judge, we are here to offer support & guidance to one another.

      Eleven years is a long time, but think about the way he makes you feel. He isn’t living up to his end of the promises, and if he is verbally abusive to you he will only get worse with time. You don’t want that life. I was married to a man for 10 years who physically & verbally abused me, and honestly the verbal abuse was worse than the physical. The physical pain healed, but the verbal will remain with you the rest of your life. I’ve been divorced from my ex-husband for 15 years now and I can still hear him telling me how ugly I looked or how he wanted to bite my head off, chew it up and spit it out. The men don’t get better with time, they get worse. Much worse.

      The way he is treating & using you when it’s convenient for him is not love. You deserve love.

      You wrote him off once before, and you have the strength to do it again. This time, tell him it’s forever.

      Keep your head held high & know your worth!

      XO

    • Hayley

      Heather – 14 years for me so I feel your pain.. he kept seeking me out. I also want out.. day 2 for me after I managed 3 months NC and was feeling better. NC needs to be permanent, esp in our situations where these men have been around for a long time. I wish I could go back to the time I was happy without him never thought of him.. I want to go back to that place and can’t wait for it to happen but it will if we stop going back to the crime scene.
      Let’s do this together once and for all.. then later down the line it will be them full of regrets.

    • Anna

      Heather,
      No judgment here. My affair has been 7 years and also on and off. My mm told his wife about me, we went sort of a modified version NC for 2 years and then started back up. We resumed for 2 years and he has now confessed to his wife again and we are NC again! Everyone here has a story. We get addicted to the pain of being with these men and can’t see past it. This forum has been a godsend. I have had moments where I cry in the shower but I have also had moments of clarity and a feeling of relief. Hang on because every day gets better.

  • Bells Paws

    Hi all you lovely ladies who deserve so much better than a MM! Well, I ended it and went NC for 4 weeks! I was so pleased with myself. I swung from sadness to anger but still I did it and knew i’d done the right thing. Anyway, we have this fixed commitment coming up in a few days time that has been arranged for ages, its formal and kind of a professional thing. I wasn’t sure if he’d cancel it or contact me about it, but he dropped me a line to ask if i still wanted his input. TBH, it put me in a difficult position as its an important thing that means a lot to me and he had offered to help me with his specialised services for free which is a massive help. But then, it meant contact with him again. I hesitatingly accepted his offer and told myself to keep my distance and all my communication brisk and business like. We had to discuss it a lot on the phone and now i feel i’ve totally fallen for him all over again and all my resolve has gone. out of the window. I know, it won’t take much for him to get me back. I so don’t want it but i so do. I have such strong feelings for him, he is the man of my dreams and its so hard to resist. We have to meet on Thursday and ive bought a new top to wear for him. What shall i dooooooooooooooo???????????!!!!!!!! Ahhhh,i can feel myself getting all back into things all over again…..

    • JeepGirl

      Bells Paws,
      Oh sweetness don’t do it!! That man knows what he’s doing & he has you right back where he wants you!

      Think about how you felt when he broke you! You don’t want to go through that all over again!

      You’ve come so far!

      He is not the man of your dreams because the man of your dreams wouldn’t do this to you!!

      I am so praying you don’t meet up with him! Remember how much it hurt when he broke you!!

      Stay strong!
      XO

  • Sophia

    Day 1 of NC. 8 months of believing this MZm loved me. Knew each other 30 years ago. Contacted me out of the blue but obviously looking for s conquest! I fell for his lies—lonely widow, very attractive, fit, successful, etc. I believed he was the man I loved 30 years ago! Was I wrong! This guy is out for sex—but lied that we were lovers & soul mates. Spent Xmas & Valentines alone. He recently went away in a business trip & said he was too busy to call me. What crap! When we met in NY for his birthday, it became apparent that he has problems “down there.” He masturbated in front of me. I was so disgusted! I feel that he’s a pig, & told him I’m done. The sex has become boring & unsatistifying. So I told him enough! My issue is forgiving myself for allowing myself—a highly educated professional! — to fall for his line of crap! I do not wish to see him or talk to him again! I feel sorry for getting involved- he lied about his status- & feel so sorry for his wife. As I said, he’s a pig in my eyes, and I am fortunate that life has other plans for me. My advice: do not believe the cheating MM. He will lie to get you hooked. Run!!! Nothing but heartache, guilt, anger, pain. Dump him now!!!

    • Jules

      Hang in there Sophia. It really does get better. You realize how much you were looking at your phone, the arranging your life around your affair. All of it gets better. You stop looking at your phone so much and start paying attention to what’s going on around you.
      In other words you start living your own life. A real life.
      What helps me now Is remembering the reason why I started to wake up after a 9 month affair. Originally he was complaining about his wife and after about 6 months with me, he started getting quieter about his wife. I realized I was enabling him to stay in an unfulfilling marriage. In other words I was being completely used. I told him that “I am not a bottle of gin, or a carnival ride to take your mind off your life. I’m a real human being”. So sad that I felt like I even had to say that!. I think Tricia recently made reference to the same thing.
      I have been devastated by this affair and it has been 3 weeks since no contact but I’m already feeling better.
      I’m definitely waking up. As if I was in some sort of 9 month addiction dream .

      I feel better now that I am not being used. I feel better that I am living my real life and able to concentrate on my life.
      Do I feel spiteful glee that now he has to deal with his own crap? Yes
      .However, I am sure bitch boy is already on to his next “extramarital rodeo” my words to him, referring to him his chronic infidelity.
      Stay strong Sophia .

      Hugs! Jules

  • anna

    hello everyone. 2 days NC. I have a long way to go. I got an email from his wife last night that came from his account. His wife obviously has his phone. His wife called me all kinds of names and said that I was as low as it gets, and told me that she had already lost one husband to death and I was not “taking this one”. So she is not letting go even after knowing he has done this to her for a decade.. I had prepared myself for this for a long time and done a lot of reading on this site and a lot of reading about NPD, trauma bonding etc. Of course nothing can fully prepare until you are in it and I have had some ups and downs. I am used to having my phone in my hand 24/7 and the messages coming through, we have truly been best friends and that’s the part that I’m going to struggle with constantly I’m afraid. How have you all dealt with losing your best friend? I’m going to get online tomorrow and search for a therapist that deals in this area and make an appointment, also I’m on a couple of medications that are helping. Overall not doing too bad but he’s definitely on my mind. Hoping this gets better day by day.

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Anna,
      Day 2 is better than none, so don’t let that discourage you!
      Did you reply to the wife? Don’t let the name calling bring you down. Even though he is the one who stepped out out on the marriage, she sees you as the enemy. It’s the same way in my situation. They blame us.
      Definitely look into a therapist. I had to do the same. Every day is a step in the right direction. Stay strong!
      XO

      • anna

        Hi JeepGirl,
        I did reply to her. I said what I needed to say to her, but it won’t matter. She will blame me for everything. And the minute he told her was the minute he discarded me, vanished, and moved on. I’ve had some moments where I’ve felt highly anxious and I miss him…..the evenings are the worst because that was ‘our time’ when we would talk for hours.

        • JeepGirl

          Anna,
          I get it. Late at night is the worst for me because that’s when he would contact me. It took me awhile to realize I was worth more than a late night conversation with a man who was going to bed with another woman after he was done talking to me.

          I have my good and bad days. Today was one of my more difficult days, and I don’t even know why. But, the more time that goes by, the more I see how little I meant to him. More than anything else, I am mad at myself for falling for him & his lies. I am a mature, educated woman who knew better, so even though I’m angry with him, I am very angry with myself too.

          One question you can ask yourself when you find yourself missing him is…

          Do I miss who he was, or di I miss who I wanted him to be?
          As for me, I don’t miss the half of a man he offered me, I miss the man he told me he was.

          I hope you are healing well tonight.
          XO

      • Xxx

        JeepGirl, the wife blames you and you take it badly because you never got to walk in her shoes. My mm’s wife has told me that he said to her that I was haunting him and she felt determined that no hunting girl would destroy her marriage. I would probably do the same if I was served the same story by my husband. Even maybe if I were not, because these men make you so addicted and crazy that you do anything to keep them. The wives have more right in these situations, especially as their creepy husbands do not want to leave them – they can but won’t. The only way is to help ourselves and get out. In my case the wife got out too and listening to her story, it just makes me more guilty for deliberately being part of someone’s suffer.

        • JeepGirl

          Xxx,
          Oh I know why she blames me, and I’ve never once blamed her for that. I have been in her shoes, 15 years ago I was the wife being cheated on. I’ve been on both sides of the fence and both suck.

          You are right, they can leave but they don’t. That says a lot. As the ow we fail to see the lies and manipulation because we want to believe we are the one worthy of his love. Truth be told, both of us deserve so much more than him.

          • Xxx

            Definitely! They deserve to stay without any of us for they are betraying bastards. They think they are so smart playing the games and playing with our minds and emotions, but the truth is that they are not smart at all. We recognize their manipulative behavior but we choose to pretend that we are blind until one day we realise we are above those childish games. I believe that in a certain amount of time we will be grateful for this lesson and be more appreciative of someone who gives us their full attention and love. And one day when these creeps come to check on us and try to bring us back in the cycle (and I’m sure they will) we will be like “wtf was I wasting my energy on in the past”. I am already in this state of mind..what a waste of my time and tears!

    • Xxx

      Hi Anna, I hope you don’t really think that he is your best friend. They pretend to be, but they are not. They sell you down the river when it is convenient for them and they don’t defend you in front of their wife. They use you, abuse you psychologically and emotionally and leave you to pick up the pieces of yourself all by yourself. The best friend would not put you in such a position in the first place. But you got all the anwers you need already, you are doing well. Two days now, two days in two days equals four and so on. I used to draw lines on my mirror for every day I stayed no contact. I dont need that counting anymore. I cry when I feel so and it is mostly grieving my happiness in the past. But I dealt with a true narcissist and a pathological liar with no empathy nor remorse, so it wasn’t easy at all to get out (he even tried to hoover and I expect more of it in the future). Just understand it as an addiction which can be broken. If you would like to read something helpful and inspiring while beating the NC, I suggest The untathered soul” by Michael Singer. Enjoy!

    • Tricia

      Anna. I’m so sorry U are In so much pain U must feel numb right now. Nothing but time well Heal your Broken Heart and U will never forget your Ex Mm or your affair but U will come out of this a stronger woman because of this experience everything happens for a reason even If we don’t understand at that time . God will not give us somebody else husband regardless of what condition they marriage is in and what the married man say !! Work on yourself love yourself and be kind to yourself we all make mistake ! Wishing U all the Best In your Recovery .

    • PeggySue

      Hi Anna,
      I think that once you realize these MM’s were not really our best friends, then it’s easy. A best friend wouldn’t do what they do/did. We were friends to them, but I don’t think it’s the other way around.

      *Yes*, we miss the constant contact and the rush of it all, but they were not our friends, and that is the bottom line. We miss the constant contact that we got so used to, but they were not our best friends. You will get used to not looking at your phone constantly. You will get used to not having your phone with you no matter where you are in your own home etc.

      When I think back to how I would rearrange my schedule and wait around for him every day, it makes me sick.

      I wish you luck with therapy. I did it myself a while back. Talking to someone who lets you just talk on and on (at least I did) is helpful. Wishing you the best.

  • Anonymous38

    Ladies…I have to update you…so I was curious about what my ex-mm is commenting on FB….so I found a comment from 4 years ago…he said his “girl”( even tho thats is wife) knows that he likes thick big butt woman…so she takes him to strip clubs or “live shows”-his words-to see thick big butt woman…she’s a very petite woman, very skinny,…I dont know what to think about this…she does this for him..and he still cheats…Im a dark skin, beautiful curvy woman
    I guess thats why..but that doesnt justify his behavior…

    Anyway, I imagined their relationship to be a match made in heaven and always wondered why he cheated on her…Now I fully understand why?! She’s an insecure woman with low self-esteem who allows his foolish behavior…I no longer feel sorry for her…or should I?

    Tell me what you think ladies…

  • JeepGirl

    Hello all!
    JeepGirl here. Just want to tell all of you…if you would like to connect on a more personal level & exchange information so that we can help each other through this when we need immediate words of wisdom & encouragement, please feel free to email me @ fortheloveoflittles@yahoo.com

    This blog & you all have been so healing for me.
    We do not have to go through this alone.
    XO

  • Tricia

    Hi, Marlene. Thanks for sharing your story I totally how U feel my Ex Mm never told me how he feel either and I too settled for crumbs for years !! I accept his BS and never asked for nothing but honest and tell me when U leaving so I won’t waste my time . I was raised by my father because my mother died when I was 10 my father was a good provider but never told me I was special and how a man should treat me until I got way older in life and he saw me crying all the time .It’s been 4 months N/C with Mm until I texted him yesterday and told him a piece of my mind I had to do it not that he care thou . U stay strong and don’t let him back In your life I know it’s hard but these married men really don’t care about Us and our feelings I don’t regret my affair this whole experience has taught me alot I will never deal with a married man again their not really truthful and will tell U anything to get in the bed with U !! No future with them no way!! And when they get tired of playing games with U they’ll leave eventually they always do when you least expecting it !! I hope everything workout for you don’t be so hard on yourself be kind to yourself we all make mistakes self love always !!

    • Marlene

      Hi Tricia. Thank you for the supportive words and how devastating this has been for you. MM I think have a sixth sense of who to choose for their affairs. We must give off a vibe of loneliness especially. How receptive we are to them probably has some bearing on whether they keep pursuing us. Women who haven’t been brought up in homes where there is severe neglect by both parents would likely have stronger boundaries with these guys.

      You can go to counseling for years and years yet this feeling of not being good enough for anyone follows me everywhere. Falling for the MM charms keeps happening. This is my second one. The first one died of cancer. Because I was a big secret from everyone in his life, I never even went to his funeral. He lived in another state & got away with lying to me that he lived with another woman. But oh he loved me so much!! We were going to get married, etc. Yikes I wanted to believe it even though my gut was saying something felt off.

      I have gone NC with this MM but unlike you I didn’t text to give him a piece of my mind. I just ghosted. Not even the sign of a cricket. I feel really good about that inside. It was only after months of crying and sleepless nights, that I finally made a firm decision.

      He keeps texting about his hard times like death in family (which by the way I think is fabricated as no obituary anywhere for this person). And he never once told me they had cancer for many years! I suspect it’s just a desperate attempt for attention on his part.

      I hope you are holding out on the NC – it’s not easy! Sounds like you are strong.

  • anna

    My mm called me today and left me a message on my voicemail that he had confessed everything to his wife. Everything…. where we met, the trips we had been on together, everything. He said that he knew that I was thinking about telling her so he wanted to save me the trouble and at the very end of it he said that he was not going to leave her. We had been having a bunch of emotional conversations, Valentine’s day was really bad, and we stayed on the phone for hours last night. I guess he finally had enough. I have let myself get so low, but I knew that the end was coming and I knew all along he would never leave her – he even told me at one point that he would let her kick him out before he would choose to be with me and still I have stayed with him! Yet I have hung on to this and not voluntarily gone NC because I am so hooked into this man. Now that he has used me up, the final discard so he can go back to his wife. And, this is the second time he has told her about us. The first time was in 2013. We have now been seeing each other on and off for a total of 6-7 years. I am not sure what kind of woman would stay with a man who has been deceiving her this long who has been in love with another woman for close to 7 years. I knew he was not going to initiate a divorce because, even though he told me that I made him happier than anyone ever, even though I knew that was all part of the love bombing and I had started to realize who he really was a long time ago. And I was so angry over how he was hurting me over and over again. As for the wife….she is not a bad person, and I do not harbor ill will for her, I’m sorry about what his wife is going through over this, but it absolutely infuriated me that he would let me fall apart and keep his “real life” together at any cost. I know that this is the best thing for me.. and I do feel relief. But it’s going to be a long road ahead. This man was my dysfunctional best friend and love. I hope I get through this.

    • JeepGirl

      Anna,
      You WILL get through this!

      One question I ask myself often is, why did I allow myself to settle for scraps of him? Any time he could give me I jumped on, but the times when I needed him he wasn’t there. He was home with her. The reality of it was an eye-opener. I was not his priority. She was. It was always her & her needs that mattered most. Yes, he tried to make us both happy, but only so he could have both, and when it came to either her or I, he chose her.

      That’s a tough pill to swallow. That’s a real hit to the self-esteem. That is one of the biggest things that woke me up from the Dreamland I was in. The Dreamland where I was who mattered most, the Dreamland where he was my soulmate, the Dreamland where we married and lived happily ever after, the Dreamland he sold me and I bought. The worst investment I have ever made. It cost me my self worth, my dignity, my morals, my values, and my time. Time that I can never get back.

      Like your situation, my ex-mm told his wife about me, the difference is that mine continued to tell me he was leaving her and we we’re going to share our life together. He literally begged me not to let go of our love. It wasn’t until I talked to his wife that I found out he was also begging her not to leave him. Even after finding this out, he came to me and told me she was lying to me because she didn’t want us together. He even sent me videos he recorded telling me how she lied. I fell for it one last time. The next time his wife contacted me I sent her those videos. She continues to fight for their marriage. I don’t know how because if my husband told me he was in love with another woman I’d leave immediately, and I did just that in my marriage 15 years ago. She told me it is her faith in God that keeps her fighting for him. I believe in God. I always have. But, what I don’t believe in is being some man’s doormat. She and I were both his doormat. One year of it was more than enough for me.

      It has been 17 days since I have been in contact with him. Ten days ago he text me a 63 page text telling me he won’t give up on us, but I never responded. Yes, I think about him and miss him every day, at least who I thought he was, but there is strength in letting go. I no longer feel used, taken advantage of. I no longer feel like his fool.

      We will all get through this. One thing I know for certain, I will never ever respond to any mm who messages me. If I ever receive a message, call, or text from another mm, I will respond by telling him “never” with a copy of it sent to his wife.

      I am done being the ow. I know my worth, and I will settle for nothing less than an honest, loving, SINGLE man.

      We HAVE to be strong ladies!

      We all think our story is different, but the only thing different about any of our stories is his name.

      • Anna

        JeepGirl,

        Your mm must be very torn. There’s a lot of dysfunction in that marriage. I know there’s a lot of dysfunction in my mm’s marriage also, and sometimes I don’t know what to believe. I got so mentally exhausted struggling to understand the disparities between his actions and his words, the differences between his love for me vs her that I couldn’t enjoy the small amount of time we had together. It was tired of obsessing and staring at my phone all the time waiting for him for him to come through for me, while he was playing happy family. He would give me whatever leftover time he could and then pat himself on the back saying he was just trying to make me happy. And I now that he did really think he was trying in his own way. I am three days NC now. I know he won’t contact me because his wife and daughters rule every aspect of his life. How are you doing with NC, JeepGirl? I have brief moments of anxiety, no crying yet which is odd, I think I’m all cried out over him really. I have had a few urges to text him and lash out, but I haven’t. I’m just so grateful for this page.

  • Jules

    16 days N/C. I’m doing a little bit better but I think it’s because of the antidepressant I’m on. Before I started taking medication I would have uncontrollable sobbing for at least 30 minutes. Now it comes over me but it doesn’t last more than, maybe, a minute or less.
    One thing that has started are nightmares. I never get nightmares. It might be the anti-depressant but in any case they are horrible. They’re always about my mm.
    They aren’t every night but they are frequent, probably 3 to 4 times a week.
    One nightmare a few days ago, I dreamt that his wife was pregnant. We are all in our fifties so I know that’s not the case but I felt so upset.
    Last night I dreamt that he was walking toward me to kiss me. Suddenly his face turned into a demon, similar to the exorcist movie. As he got close to me and his face with changing, I did not feel fear. I felt anger and I felt like I wanted to hurt him. In my dream I bit his lower lip and then I woke up.
    My anger was bigger than my fear in spite of the horrific looks on his face.

    I don’t know what that means but I hope it means I’m getting better. I’m going out to visit my sister in Phoenix this week.
    Stay strong everyone. Everyday I thank God for this website.
    Hugs to all of you!
    Jules

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Jules,
      So glad to hear you are doing better! Each new day you remain in NC is an achievement! There is nothing wrong with having to take an antidepressant. I too have had to take one, and I am thankful it has helped me in my healing.

      Your dreams are probably a result of the new medication. Be sure to mention it to your doctor. He/She may be able to find one that works better for you. Myself, I dream often but have only had one dream related to my ex-mm. Why? I don’t know if it is the reason, but I pray not to have them. I am on day 14 of NC.

      Enjoy your getaway & stay strong!

      XO

  • Anna

    hello everyone. i hope all of you did well through valentines day.. horrible day isn’t it. well it was horrible for me anyway.. but maybe it was what i needed to get to where i finally need to be. i have decided i have had enough of where i am and decided to finally do NC. i am tired of hearing weakness and his bitch boy tears. yes that is what i call it. i feel like my life is getting worse and worse and every time we talk he says the same thing. his voice falls to a whisper and then he dissolves into tears like a little whiny bitch and he cries about how he can’t leave her! it makes me sick and disgusts me what i have become to let myself listen to this and stay with a man like this. how low have i let myself go. i am a strong woman in my career and have raised a daughter on my own who is in college. how did i convince myself that THIS is love? yesterday was valentines day and i had a horrible day at work. he didn’t send me flowers, a gift, or even a card. i asked him if he was going out with her and he told me that she had arranged for them to go out with two women who had lost their husbands last year because she ‘felt sorry for them’. so he put up the facade of being a good husband for his sham marriage and two women who don’t have a husband instead of being with me and couldn’t even think to send me a flower…i’m one of the women people feel sorry for i guess… i was up all night last night…. and up early today… i am just done. today he blew up my phone all day and i told him this is not love and to leave me alone. Honestly I do understand why women get to the point of telling the wife. Not to hurt them at all but to cut this toxic relationship off so there is no going back to it. I have gone back so many times because of the addiction. And I need to cut this off and figure out a way that I can never go back to it. He won’t tell her, he’s too much of a coward. No, I’m not going to tell her, but I can understand how other women do. So right now I’m going NC and blocking him. He is so manipulative… I pray that I have the power to stick to this. I hope all of you are doing well.

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Anna.

      You are right, Valentine’s day is hard. I just had to keep reminding myself that it is just another day that revolves around commercialism.

      Good for you for telling him to leave you alone & deciding on NC! Next time he blows your phone up don’t give him the satisfaction of answering! Let him worry & wonder! We need to give them a taste of their own medicine!
      My ex-mm did the same…repeat the same excuses over & over again. It got old.
      What he has shown me is that he’s an excellent liar & manipulator. Such wonderful characteristics to be proud of, huh?!?

      You asked how you convinced yourself that was love. But, you didn’t convince yourself, HE convinced you! These mm know just what to say to keep us hanging on. It sickens me that I was so lost in love I fell for it. Lesson learned.

      I am praying for you to have strength & keep up NC. You can do this!!!!
      XO

  • Tricia

    Hi,Jeep girl . I’m so proud of U for standing firm and not responding to him ! I know how hard that is to do and don’t give in you deserve so much better ! I been without my Ex Mm for 4 months ! And N/C too I must admit I think of him sometimes but mostly I get anger about how he choose to leave just ghost me ! I tried to leave him many times but he would never let me and I was weak for him and never ignored his calls or texts so it was so easy for him to fade away at times I feel like food he ate and threw away in the trash and never looked back so that Is my struggle feeling like trash . I will never date a married man again yeah I felt good while I was with him but it came at a high cost 7 years of my life I settled for crumbs ! I remember I asked him for his shirt something to remember him by I never got it I felt so hurt [ LIKE DAMN I CAN’T EVEN GET A OLD ASS T SHIRT ? My friend said he probably thought u want to do voodoo or witchcraft REALLY ? Yesterday was not a good day lucky I have people to talk to without judge me. And his office up the street girl so I’ll see his ASS again ! Anyway I think alot of these married men should get a divorce from their wives because they don’t love her or respect her anymore ! Some wives have deal breakers and cheating may be one to divorce some wives don’t believe In divorce and don’t want to admit their marriage have failed and beyond repair . I think U are a strong woman and U will get pass this it just take time but please don’t give In and go back your wonderful man Is out there waiting ………

    • JeepGirl

      Tricia, Thank you for the response & encouragement! You have to be very proud for going 4 months without contact! I dream of the day when I can say the same.

      Though I am doing better, every day is a struggle. Every song reminds me of him. He is the first man I have loved in over 10 years. Before him I didn’t even know what I was missing. My struggle is not in refraining from contacting him, because I would never do that now. I refuse to ever contact him again. That I have no problem with. My struggle is forgetting him, and maintaining NC when he contacts me. It is always at night when he contacts me, so every night when I lay my head down I wonder. I hate it. The feeling of not knowing. I just want it all to go away. I wish none of it had ever happened.

      I know your feeling of being weak all too well. Until recently I had never ignored his calls or texts either. It was because I didn’t want to play some game, but ultimately I had to stop responding. It was messing with me with mentally & physically. I stopped eating & functioning as I normally would. My happiness was dependant upon him. I was consumed by him and the love I thought I knew. The love I thought we shared. Once I was able to be on the outside looking in, through every one else’s story here, I woke up. I was just another woman fooled by a mm. Another mm who wanted to have his cake & eat it too.

      It angers me to know the truth of it all, because I gave him so very much of me. Just like the Halsey song “Without Me” says, he took advantage of me. Another song I now associate to him is, “Jar of Hearts.” When I feel really angry, I climb in my Jeep & crank those two songs up & hit the highway. It is one way I cope. It keeps me from bottling up the anger.

      I will never date a mm again. Never. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, and I certainly won’t subject myself to it again.
      It is so hard for me to comprehend how you held on for 7 years. One year was more than enough for me.

      You too are strong! So keep your head up & remember your worth! When you do find true love, your ex-mm will be so very sorry he did what he did!

      XO

  • Marlene

    I have been in NC with MM at work. Gradually I had started a slow fade as I just couldn’t do cold Turkey. Tried many times but I always broke down & called him

    Looking back, i realize he only ever gave me crow’s scraps for attention. I feel like a total loser for putting up with the breadcrumbs for so long. Obviously I have no self- love at all.

    At the start thought i could handle it just being “casual”. Some days it felt i was. This man never said he loved me, cared about me or that he was ever leaving his wife. A few times he said ” I like you” so it appears he had no feeling for me at all. And I stuck around for a lot less than other ladies on this forum.

    He texts me still out of the blue to which I have only responded once. He suddenly wanted to make great efforts to come into town to pick me up during a snowstorm, then drive me home. Can anybody make sense of this? This is probably the ONLY great effort he has ever made for me. In any event I wrote back saying thanks but I have a ride.

    I have a counselor who I’ve seen for many years but obviously it has not done me an ounce of good. My father gave me zero attention & instead preferred to chase women around, but fancy cars etc. Mom was in psychiatric hospital most of her life. No bond with her either. Have had 2 long term relationships but they ended due to my requests.

    Dont feel any hope for myself. If another friendly MM came around I would surely be tempted. But I’ll try to be strong.

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Marlene,
      So sorry you are hurting, sweetness. You settled for less, yes, but do not beat yourself up. These mm know exactly what to say to manipulate us. They prey on our vulnerabilities! Don’t let that man lower your self worth! You are a strong woman with a lifetime of greatness ahead of you!

      First, don’t give that man the satisfaction of a response from you. He doesn’t deserve a second of your future! Then start working on your self-esteem. Go get a new hairstyle, exercise, buy yourself a beautiful bouquet of flowers, go get a mani & a pedi, buy yourself a new outfit or two, spend time doing things you enjoy most! Invest in you! Investing in ourselves will always pay off!!

      Do you journal? Journaling is one way I release my pain & anger from my ex-mm. Also, find positive affermations, write them down & post them all over your house. Post a note on your mirror that says, “I am beautiful!” then look at yourself in that mirror every morning & read that to yourself. Make the screensaver on your phone read “I am worthy of more than him!” Or “I deserve better!” Then every time he or any other unworthy man contacts you it will be a reminder that you shouldn’t answer because you deserve better!

      Get mad & find your worth! Decide that no man is going to make you feel less than ever again!

      I am praying for you!
      You got this, beautiful one!!
      XO

  • Sarah

    So after a month and a half of no contact and a week after his wife has just given birth to their baby – the married man has contacted me today! What an a$$hole! They never do change do they.

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Sarah,
      Wow. So ridiculous. These men have no shame. Did you respond to him? I know how hard it is not to. Mine contacted me after 11 days NC and thankfully I fought off the urge to respond, but it was not easy.
      I hope you are doing well.
      XO

      • Sarah

        Hey Jeep Girl – yes unfortunatley i reponded 🙁
        Good on you! Its hard to ignore them when they contact u so you should be proud of yourself. Its soo annoying coz i was doing fine without him and then BAM he just turns up into my life once again.

        • JeepGirl

          Sarah,
          Don’t beat yourself up for responding. I did that many times in the past. Find, I am in a good place. You will be too.
          I know how hard it is to not respond. It’s the worst feeling. But these mm know that. They know exactly what they are doing & how to keep us hanging.
          Take your power back!
          You have the strength to do this!!
          Let me know how you are doing.
          Praying for you!!
          XO

  • Tricia

    Hi, Xxx. I’m sorry your in so much pain . I feel bad your Ex Mm is in so much pain right now but understand U are not the cause of his marriage ending yeah U played your part but he drove U to do what U did and I know U feel bad about that but chances are his marriage was already broken and he probably should’ve divorce her along time ago . I did read on [ TB] and I believe with time this all shall pass as painful as it is. Try to forgive yourself and your Ex Mm girl pray for him because he really Is a lost soul right now. Don’t regret your affair because U can’t change the past and Experience Is a Good Teacher we all make mistakes. Be Kind To yourself and love yourself ! I hope U find a wonderful man one day !! Oh and Ex Mm was around somewhere I saw his car but I’m not going there…..

  • Tricia

    Jeep girl. That must be painful awkward to run into your Ex Mm or his wife at school when pick up your children . All these married men try to keep their mistress at arm distance so they can keep a eye on you .I read your story about telling your married man wife about the affair and U said why does she still hang on ? My opinion because [1] She loves her husband [2] She know about you and don’t won’t to lose him to U so that make her hold on to him even tighter so in other word Dear U helped their marriage out without even knowing . U know I remember when my Ex Mm would leave after visiting me sometimes he would walk like he didn’t have a care in the world while I felted every emotion and I see him and how he acted sometimes that is when I realized that he really didn’t have a care In the world when it came to me because I wasn’t his reality I was his release from his reality which was his wife and family I didn’t add no value to his life that’s why It was so easy for him to disappear on me. Ladies say trauma bond others words[ Toxic relationship ] I read on that and it can be brokening it’s just a process .Don’t be so hard on yourself for believing In him and loving him those are Good Quantity In you that makes you a caring person please try to forgive yourself and I know It sound stupid but don’t your affair even if it wasn’t good all the time this experience with your married man Is a Good Teacher and you will be alot stronger because of it everything happens for a reason even affairs don’t let this define you as a person .Once U forgive yourself love forgive your married man for the hurt and pain he caused U that alone will lift your spirits and release your soul from some of that pain. Just my advice . Stay Strong ladies.

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Tricia, and thank you for your thoughts.
      It is extremely hard to know he is so close, and to run into them on occasion. A couple of times he yelled out the window. Once, “I sure do my miss you girl!” and once, “I love you, Doc!”

      In response to his wife knowing…
      I didn’t tell her. He did when I told him I couldn’t continue the deceit. But yes, I know she hangs on because she loves him, and because she doesn’t want him with me. I can’t blame her. To her I am the enemy.

      My reason for mentioning that I don’t understand how she hangs on was more in reference to…how does she hang on when she knows he is in love with another woman. I say this because I was once the wife being cheated on, and once I found out I was done. I filed for divorce immediately. So my not understanding comes more from staying with someone who is no longer in love with you. She deserves to be loved too. So I told her that if he can love her the way she deserves to be loved then he needs to work on doing so.

      Even though I love him, I wish it were true that I helped strengthen their marriage. Unfortunately, that is not the case. He continues to message and call me, I continue to ignore his messages and calls, and their marriage continues to weaken. I have come to terms with his & my relationship being over, and that is how I can wish them healing. He on the other hand says he’s never letting me go. Which is, of course, not helping them repair the marriage.

      How long has it been since you have been in contact with your mm? Are you still hurting from the breakup?

      I hope you are healing & doing well.
      XO

      • Tricia

        Jeep girl . Well I finally told my Ex mm how I really felt about how he left . I texted him I wanted to say it face to face but probably was never going to have it ? I know he don’t care he felt I didn’t deserve a proper goodbye because I was just a piece of Ass after all !!! No I don’t feel any better but at least I said what was in my heart and I can completely heal .

        • JeepGirl

          Tricia,
          I am glad you got those lingering feelings off of your chest. Did he respond to you?

          Now that you have given him a piece of your mind, write him off & heal fully. The best revenge is living a happy life.
          Don’t let him & his selfish ways take anymore of your precious future! Time is one thing we can never get back. Don’t give him another second of yours!

          You are going to get through this & find someone worthy of you & your time!!

          XO

          • Tricia

            Hi, Jeep girl . Yes responded but like I said he don’t care . Here’s what he said { Damn really .} girl I’m to thru I couldn’t even cry but he gave my the strength to delete his number and all those lovely texts he use to send me . I went downtown and went shopping and to the coffee house and tried to gather my thoughts . I really don’t understand these married men ? Others than like I always said we aren’t their reality we are their release from reality and I get it but why do they gotta be so uncaring of our feelings ? Like I always told my Ex Mm [ I’M NOT SOME BACK ALLEY HOE U MEANT AT SOME BAR ONE NIGHT ! And I’m tired and I don’t trust men and don’t want one now . I really need alot of self love right now . I hope you are doing well in your own Healing just learn to lean on Jesus ! Because he will pull us ladies thru all these Heartache and pain . Stay Strong .

        • JeepGirl

          Tricia,
          Good for you, girl! So glad to hear you’ve reached a place where your ready to be done & focus on loving yourself!!
          That is such huge progress!

          You continue to keep your head held high & your focus on you & you will see true happiness surrounding you!

          Praying for your continued strength!
          XO

  • Hayley

    Looking back I realise my MM was incredibly insecure. He didn’t feel good enough for his wife hence why he cheated. She must have put him down and made him feel less than. What hurts me the most is he wanted his wife’s love, admiration deep down and not mine. I’m not blowing my own trumpet but I am very different to his wife, she really is everything I’m not. I keep fit, I’m a lot slimmer, I think I’m prettier, she spends money all the time and sits in salons, I’m very outdoorsy and would rather climb a mountain than get a blow dry. I’m not knocking her I just believe I have much more in common with him.. he would often say she doesn’t want to do things with him whereas I would have.
    So it doesn’t make sense that he wouldn’t have a much happier life with me instead?? So why is he trying to gain her love, her admiration?? And using me cause he wasn’t get it.
    Just makes me feel so used and stupid for all the things I would say to make him feel good about himself cause she wasn’t doing it.. 14 years on and off of this rubbish!! he must know deep down he would be better with me he admitted we have much more in common. So why?
    Oh and after 3 months no contact I got a ‘check in’ email last week which I’ve ignored!
    Anyone else dealt with an insecure MM like this?? Why do they insist on trying to get their wives love and admiration when the answer is staring them in the face !! Anyway my thoughts for today, I would love some insight.

    • Tricia

      Hi , Hayley . Your Ex Mm wants his wife because she is a challenge and loves him but let him know I can live without she is not looking for his approval. You seeked his love and approval and he knew he had you because U catered to his ego . Did he contact you lately ? Because U was doing so well . Just know U are lovely , smart and fabulous you don’t need no man approval or validation the right man will come along stay strong Sweetie !

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Haley,
      Good for you for ignoring his email! That takes strength! The arrogance is ridiculous…why does he think he deserves the privilege to reach back out to you after 3 months?
      I think these men are all built on both insecurities & arrogance. Why else would you play with other people’s hearts? They want the ego boost that goes with being desired.

      I don’t know how you managed to hang on for 14 years. He did not deserve a day of your dedication. But what’s most important now is that he can’t take another day of your future!

      Stay strong, my friend! True love will find you!

      XO

    • Xxx

      Hayley, there is no reason to think about that anymore. Most of these men are so insecure and look for an external validation. Who knows what sort of a relationship he had with his mother. Maybe she was putting him down too and that with the wife is a familiar process and his comfort zone. Sometimes men are more attracted to a cold heartless woman no matter what he says, because he’s feels he never won her completely. Or he is just a creep like mine. Whatever the reason, you have spent 14 years with that man – that is a tough cycle to break and you did it! Don’t spend another 14 years thinking about what “ifs”. I mentioned somewhere that we are all trauma bonded. I was walking the other day and imagined myself lying to my partner behind his back and really couldn’t imagine myself. How do they do it? I would feel terribly guilty nor I could lay in the bed with two man simultaniously. Those are fascinating things to me. I dealt with my enemy for a year and was about to get mentally and emotionally destroyed, I really don’t know how you managed to do that for 14 years. You know what kind of hell you left behind, that is all you shpuld be thinking, that is my opinion.

  • Danyelle

    This blog is EXACTLY what I needed. I did the unimaginable. Once I knew he was playing with my heart I immediately felt so sorry for the wife that I actually told her everything. I felt that I needed to be honest with her and also let her know that she deserves so much better. Her husband had cheated on her before with other women in thier past and I foolishly thought it would be different with me. We’ve been together for a year until 3 weeks ago. I feel so stupid and used. He kept telling me how much he loves me and how different it is with me and how he wished he would’ve met me in his past. I’ve never dated a MM before this and I never will again. Even though I’m hurt by this I just felt so sorry and I wanted his wife to hear everything from me personally. They’ve been married for 14 years and he’s cheated on her 4 other times throughout the years. This blog is a blessing for me. My heart hurts, I still cry, and I regret the day I ever got involved with him. I pray that God heals all of our hearts.

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Danyelle,
      My mm’s wife knows too, but because he told her. The guilt was killing me & I told him he had to tell her. That was 9 months ago, and his wife is bending over backwards to hang on to him. More power to her, I say, because he tells too many lies for me. My biggest regret is hanging on as long as I did. He did not deserve what I gave him.

      What has your mm’s wife decided to do? Is she staying in the marriage, or divorcing him?

      How long has it been since you have been in contact with him?

      Crying is good. It is all a part of our healing process. Keep your head held high!

      XO

  • Jules

    All of you have helped me so much!
    It’s been 40 days since I broke it off with my mm.
    It’s been a week since we exchanged email (the emails were not pleasent).

    All of your insight has been lifesaving for me. I don’t recognize myself over the past 9 months of the affair.
    It is an addiction.
    Worse, my mm is a psychiatrist. I trusted him on so many levels of my life. I miss him terribly but I am firm in my decision to cut off our relationship in spite of his opinion that I just “could not accept” him in his current state.
    Truth is he doesn’t deserve me.
    Thank you, thank you all of you! This blog is so important to me.

    I feel like I am doing better then I suddenly desolve into tears. I see now that this part of the process.
    God bless all of you wonderful ladies!

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Jules,
      Is he still contacting you? I know how hard it is, but try your best to not respond to him. The more you do the longer the pain will last.

      Because he is a psychiatrist he knows how to manipulate your vulnerabilities much more than the average man, and he does not deserve you. You deserve a REAL man. One who is honest, trustworthy, and can be your protector. This guy can’t protect you because he is the one you need protection from.

      I do the same…some days I feel really strong & other’s I break, but I do notice that the tears have finally stopped. Your’s will too, but until then remember that crying is okay. It is part of the healing process. The tear’s are simply the release of all the pain you hold within.

      Always remember your worth & stay strong sweetness!
      XO

      • Jules

        Jeepgirl,

        My birthday was at the end of Jan and he emailed me Happy Birthday. That started an email chain. After that he has not contacted me. It’s been 9 days now.
        I don’t think that he is going to anymore. Yes, he is a psychiatrist and I am a mental health professional as well, an NP. As he said in the beginning of the affair when I questioned him about being married, “I know I am a shrink, but it doesn’t mean that I am all glued together right!” Yes, I was warned early on, by him. But I took that as an endearing statement because……that was what I wanted to think and I agree that just because you work in mental health, doesn’t mean that you are above illness.

        We used to work together but we haven’t in 2 years. We were FB friends and that is how it all got intimate. We also live 2300 miles apart. Yes, 2300 miles. What a stupid ‘relationship’ and perfect, for him, to keep me out of the city where he lives. We met in different cities and we spoke throughout the day and texted each other at least 8 times a day for 9 months. Supported each other in our profession (since we have the same job description and responsibilities) that can be challenging at times.
        Anyway, the calls from his wife during our days together, the lies and my hearing him play both sides began to get intolerable after 9 months. He spoke to his wife when she called, often while we were in bed in a hotel room. Those memories are a source of disgust to me now. I have 2 therapists and I am working through this pain to find out why I did this to myself. The tears come even writing this to you.
        I don’t know what I was expecting in that relationship. He dropped hints that he would leave his wife for me someday and we would go into business together, open a clinic or some crap. That is what it was, crap. I would never be able to trust this man….ever. I was even aware of that during the affair.
        Thank you for sharing your strength with me, all of you. I am very grateful.

        • JeepGirl

          Jules,
          I can relate. Our stories are similar.
          I work in the mental health field also, it has been 9 days since I’ve heard from my ex-mm, and Facebook is where the flirting began.

          You are right, those of us in this field are not above illness. We are also not above making mistakes, and my relationship with a mm was definitely a mistake.

          I so very much wish “mine” was 2300 miles away. Trust me, that is a blessing because mine lives just 5 miles from me. Not only that, our kids are in the same grade at the same school. It makes the situation so much worse, and I am currently in the process of trying to get things into place and relocate to another state.

          I can understand the tears. My mm didn’t just drop hints, he repeatedly told me he was leaving her and that we were going to grow old together. Over & over I tried to end it, and every single time he begged me not to. I realize now how much of a fool I was for believing in him, and I get so angry at myself for falling for the lies.

          Thank you for sharing your story with me. Talking to others who know the same pain has been so helpful in my healing process. Together we will get through this.
          Much love & strength coming your way.

    • Riya

      Thanks for sharing Jules. Your post were words out of my mouth. Several times in a day I feel like talking to someone about all of this but unfortunately that is impossible, no one can possibly understand this situation, this blog has been the closest thing to a friend I have had in the last 8 months while going through the cycle of feelings of up and down with no end in sight.

      • Jules

        Thank you Riya. My sadness is beginning to decrease and now I am experiencing an increase in shame and embarrassment.
        I feel so humiliated. I wish that I had honored myself by breaking it off without going into what a POS, narcissist, sociopath, he is. Even though what I said is true, I just wish that I kept my dignity, said “goodbye” turned, and never looked back.
        I know that I am still ruminating.

        I am seeing 2 therapists a week, I just started 3 drugs for depression, sleep disturbance, nightmares and anxiety. I think that they are starting to work because the depression went down but the shame exploded in my brain. I was suicidal for a few weeks but thankfully that has subsided. Intellectually, I know that he isn’t worth suicide and I broke up with him because I didn’t want to give him my life, but emotionally I have been devastated.

        Thank you everyone. Stay strong and I will as well.

      • JeepGirl

        Hi Riya,
        I agree. This is a difficult topic to discuss with those who have not been through such an experience, and that is why I am so thankful for this website. Talking to you all has been my biggest help in the healing process.

        How long has it been since you have been in contact with your mm? Where are you at in the healing process?

        I hope each day you strengthen. Please know that you have a friend in me.
        XO

  • Anonymous38

    I dont know how to feel about the women cheating on their husbands…arent you doing the samething the married men are doing to the their wives?

    Also I think the reason why most of the MM ghost us is because they get bored with us and probably start entertaining another woman…it hurts like hell to think about this…but thats most likely whats happening…

    Whats crazy is my MM dumped while his wife was pregnant…than came back after the baby was a couple months old…told me he loved me etc…for some reason I dont feel the same way I used to for him…

    • JeepGirl

      Anonymous 38,
      I hope you are staying strong. Use the fact that you no longer feel the same for him to keep him away from you! You do not want to get wrapped back up in his lies. If he can cheat on his pregnant wife, dump you, then try to come back to you after the baby is born…he is capable of breaking you all over again. Don’t give him that opportunity! You deserve so much more!

      As long as we let these men use us, they will. Decide that enough is enough & show him just how worthy you are of a real, unmarried man!

      I hope you are doing wonderful!
      XO

        • JeepGirl

          Anonymous 38,
          Unfortunately, the feelings will most likely return, but you can fight them! You know how much it hurt when he broke you, and that is what you need to remember about him. After losing someone we love we tend to forget the bad and remember the good, and it is the opposite of what we need to do. I know how hard it is because I fight these feelings every day, but what helps me let go of the good memories is the abundance of pain I felt when he broke me over & over again.

          I hope you are doing well!
          Stay strong!
          XO

    • Tricia

      Anonymous 38. They probably do ghost us to be with women I thought too once but now I don’t really care because we are Unique,special one of the kind there will never be another us we have hearts of gold and can never replicated or deplicate!!! Plus their married and it ain’t going far !!! They will get sick and tired of her too and ghost her so the Hell with it !!!

  • Tricia

    Hi, Xxx . I’m glad your feeling better and in a good place. It’s been almost 4 months N/C I’m doing fine even thou I still think of him . My process of letting go or recovery was to learn to forgive yourself [1] of all the shame and guilt we carry then work on forgiving him the [Mm] for the way he left and hurt me it may sound stupid to some of U but I truly don’t believe he ever meant to hurt me and what kind of shame and guilt he was carrying around too. I will always be fond of him I understand the affair couldn’t carry on he was a joy to be with he came in my life when I need a friend the most . I’m always knew the truth he never lied to me about loving me believe me It took me 2 months to get over being mad at him or just being angry It ate me up inside and wasn’t good for my soul trust me . I say embrace the fact U had the affair we are only human [2] Forgive your married man stop calling him names it doesn’t change anything feeling wise .[3] Forgive yourself lastly U are still Beautiful and Confidence ,Sexy and smart sometimes we just forget that after all that’s what your Married man saw in you . Ladies try not too let these Mm situation[ Affair] thing Break your spirit or you.!! Stay Strong.

    • Xxx

      Hi Tricia. I cannot quite remember your story, but I think it also has a NPD pattern. I am sure they did have feelings and they were “in love”, but they f…ing betray their wives with whome they live 24/7 and have children with, so why would they be honest with us. The msgs his wife sent me are exactly the same as he used to send me. Maybe that was not your case, but my “problem” was not just the wife, but every woman walking on this earth. He is a sexual addict. He is using people with no any remorse for his own benefit and makes you so desperate person. I wrote him a couple of poems from the bottom of my heart and he wants to send them to her to prove that I was so desperate about him and brags about how I said I would love him forever while he was brushing me off. The truth is I’d recogjized long ago he had a NPD but refused to believe that he was so sick. On the other side, that is how I learnt that I am an empath and why I attracted him in my life. Now I find myself walking more straight and confident than ever before just to scare off those people 🙂 And I swear I would love to be a friend of his wife more than I would want to be his. So yes, I am grateful I turned out to be so strong and learning to forgive myself for being an addict, but I wish I never had to experience this nightmare in my life.

      • JeepGirl

        Hi Xxx,
        You stated, “they f…ing betray their wives with whome they live 24/7 and have children with, so why would they be honest with us” and you are so right. They have no respect for the woman they are married to, and they surely do not respect us as the ow.

        So many of these men are master manipulators. They know just what to say & do to get what they want.

        Good for you for walking tall & confidently! Continue to do just that & a man deserving of you will come when the time is right!
        XO

      • Tricia

        Xxx. So here’s my short story. I meant my Ex Mm 10 years ago when I was apartment hunting he offer me the apartment to which I still stay he Is the property manager still he office is up the street from where I live .We been together off and On for 7 years he was a Honest , Kind decent person the problem was him leaving without a word no warning nothing and stop responding to my texts and calls ! At first I didn’t think nothing of It but as time went on I told him this [ I know you have responsibility to your family and probably have guilt U carrying but a least say .[ Baby I have go I’m sorry something ! So I won’t expect to hear from you or see for awhile ! Nope never … and I thought everything was good between Us as long as we’re honest with each other i adored him and those was my last words to him . Anyway he would leave but will always come back not this something that was In his eyes last time I saw him I knew It was over but I wanted him to tell me that don’ t leave me hanging and he did .Girl I’m exhausted and to through with all this !! So I just let go of everything ! The hurt and the pain , shame, guilt and mostly the anger I felt towards him so I had to forgive him as a part of my healing now do I regret the affair No because I learned from my mistakes and this whole process made me stronger . Yes still do think of him but In time hopefully that will go . Now next question telling a new man about my affair with a married man ? Hell No ! Because men don’t forget nothing and he will think less of you because U choose that path to be with a married man and people don’t know your story but they quick to rush to judgement. So I’m learning that there Is live after the married man but not ready to date yet U know trust Is earned not giving …… Stay Strong ladies !

        • Xxx

          Hi Tricia, thanks for responding. Well yes, how could someone leave a person he has been seeing on and off for 7 years without a word? It is just crazy. Ok to leave once like that, but coming back? You taking him back I can understand, I did worse than that.
          I just think we are so trauma bonded severely. I sold my mm down the river unexpectedly, never ever wanted to do it on purpose. And then comes the wife with all the bullshit he said about me and there was the trigger! She will leave him, finally! Woohoo! But guess what, I am not happy at all. At the same time I feel so mad at him and my heart is still breaking for him. What will he do now? He’s been abusing substances unbeknownst to me and I am afraid what kind of life is he gonna have now that he lost everything. I thought there is only anger inside me but I am still trauma bonded. From his perspective I could have been a nimphomaniac and crazy as he told her, but from my perspective I was dear to him. It is very difficult to understand this. As I talked to wife she said I knew much more about him than her. She was so jealous of me and vice versa – while he was screwing another one. Ha! And now I am the one who betrayed him, and him betraying me does not count in his mind… I think a psyche is a strange thing. The more we stay with it alone the more we are bombed with different thoughts. I’d like to run away from my psyche once in a while..😊

      • LoveThySelf

        Xxxx, I have been into narc idea eversince and your thoughts are exactly my same thoughts but I have decided – I will not let this MM affect me in anyway anymore – I can’t even type more words now as I just go on and on writing on a notebook earlier – the moving on part is a roller coaster of emotions and that’s ok cuz soon we all know this is something that will pass – we don’t how long but it will pass too…

  • Christine

    Hi Ladies,

    Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories. It makes everything I feel so much easier to bare. My ex-mm is my boss. We were together for over 5 years. Just like everyone on this site, I thought he was my sole mate. We are both 53 now. I was married when we began our affair, but got divorced because I never felt I was in love with my husband. I couldn’t cheat and lie so I ended my marriage. Thankfully we have a great relationship now.

    My Ex-mm is nothing what he portrays to be. He has everyone fouled. He broke it off with me because he said he wanted to be a better husband and father. I was heartbroken, but understood until I caught him cheating with a 28 year old girl in my office. It has been almost a year since it’s over and I still can’t believe he is with someone the same age as his daughter. It actually creeps me out. I can’t lootat him. I speak to him only about work. Barley make eye contact.

    I wish I had never met him. My life is changed forever. I will never be the person I was. I regret cheating with him. So glad his wife never found out. I never wanted to cause her pain. I just hope one day karma happens and his life is turned upside down. His life has not changed.

    I pray to God constantly to help me move on and obsessing about him being with this young girl. I hope I meet someone some day who treats me the way we all should be treated. I never thought I would have an affair, but my marriage was lacking a lot of things which made me vulnerable.

    To those of you who just began their affairs, get out now. You will hurt but it will be worse the longer it goes on. I wish I read this site before I had mine because I don’t think I would have had the affair.

    I won’t be telling any man that comes into my life about the affair because it may come back to bite me. No reason to share it with anyone.

    Good Luck to all of you and stay strong. We will get through this together. I’m definitely better now then a few months ago. It does get easier. I know longe feel used. I always felt cheap and used after our time together was over. He was my best friend. I told him everything and he did the same. He always told me he would love me forever. It kills me to now know everything he told me was a lie. It was always about his ego. Now he’s young girlfriend fills his ego. It makes me sick to think of them together.

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Christine,

      I can relate to your statement that you mm is not who he portrays himself to be. My ex-mm puts on a good show via social media. People are rarely who they pretend themselves to be on these sites.

      I also wish I had never met mine, or who I thought was mine. The obsessive, or ruminating thoughts are the worst. Try to remember that this younger girl he is now seeing is going to find out who he really is, and she will ultimately feel the pain your feeling now. Maybe her being younger is a boost to his ego, but it will not last. He will always look for a new boost. I know how hard it is, but be thankful that he’s moved on because now you can continue in your healing process, and stop wasting your valuable future on someone who never deserved your past.

      You are stronger with each new day ahead of you! Onward & upward, sweetness!

      XO

  • Tricia

    Jeep Girl. How are you doing ? I know life without the married man is a real struggle especially the first month because we are so use to them running in and out of our lives .It’s been almost 4 months I spend most of 2 months being angry at my Ex Mm for how he choose to make his exit no proper [ Good bye ] but being angry wasn’t working for me I’m in the process of letting go of all the hurt and I already forgave myself now I’m working on forgiving him .He was always a honest decent person I don’t think In his heart of hearts he truly wanted to hurt me but it is hard to say good bye to your friend and lover of 7 years he will always be special to me . But it’s over now affairs has a slow dying deaf to them and in the end that’s all it is a AFFAIR enjoy it while it last ladies.But there are also better days ahead ladies and a wonderful man somewhere for all of us and we are so worthy of True Happiness and Joy In our Hearts Remember That ladies . Stay Strong ladies.

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Tricia,
      I am doing so much better. Thank you for asking. How are you doing in your healing?

      You are on month 4 of NC? Kudos to you!
      That strength has to feel amazing, because I am only on day 5 and every day gets easier.

      I agree, your mm probably did not want to hurt you. I don’t think mine set out to cause pain either. But, in the end their own selfish desires and insecurities are what matter most to them. Which is the same reason they chose to look outside of the marriage in the first place.

      I don’t know about you, but my greatest source of strength thus far has been this forum. Reading everyone’s story & seeing just how alike all of these mm & their words are is proof that I am no different. I thought my circumstances were different. I thought he was different. The truth is that I was just another piece of ass & a boost to his ego. Once I came to terms with that, my attitude changed. I found my worth. That’s one of the most healing steps.

      To all of the other women reading this:

      I know how much you want to believe that your story is different. I know how much belief you put in him and how much you love him. I know how hard it is to walk away from a man you envisioned spending forever with. But the truth is, our stories are all the same. You may love him with every ounce of your being, but he doesn’t love you to the same depth because if he did you would no longer be the other woman. True love doesn’t feel like this, and you ARE worthy of true love from a man who deserves you!!
      I hope this lights a fire under your ass & you show him your backside as you walk out of his life because he does NOT deserve you! Get mad & stop this man from walking all over you! You are not a doormat! You will find a REAL man once you put this coward behind you!

      I have faith in every one of you! You got this!!
      XO

  • Xxx

    Hi girls,
    I want to ask you who broke free from the hell of being the other woman, who fell out of love and wish it never happened, how do you feel now? I feel huge regret for allowing myself to be there. I don’t think about him at all and when I do it is again just regret and shame. I regained my confidence but still am not proud of the fact that I will carry that “scar” with me. I recently met a man who I really liked and somehow confessed what I went through, didn’t think it would be a big deal but it turned out to be a mistake. Did you happen to confess this to some new man in your life? I am not a person who hides previous experiences for it is who I was, cut open, but in your opinion is it smart to confess such thing?

    • PeggySue

      Hi Xxx,
      I fell out of love (I ended it) but for some reason I don’t wish it never happened. I feel regret for how foolish I was. I honestly thought he cared about me and thought he’d be unhappy enough to leave for me since I thought I made him happy. I thought that even though I always firmly believed (and still do) that men *rarely* initiate divorce. I think back all the time and wonder who I was back that; I was like a different person. I ask myself, “who was that girl”?

      I’m not thrilled to admit that I think about him all the time, but now with hate and disgust. I do know that the opposite of love is indifference, and I don’t have that yet, and I wonder if I ever will. I’m furious at the fact that he admitted (at the end when I pressed him for answers) that he was ‘happy enough’ at home and would have stayed in the affair until he got caught or until I had enough. I asked what he would do if he had gotten caught, and he said he’d “see what she wanted to do”. Even if he were caught, he would have stayed in his marriage because (as he said) he didn’t want to be alone. I asked if he ever considered leaving to be with me, and he said no. Maybe I’m just lucky that my MM was honest with me, but it was certainly hard to feel anything for him after that. I had already started pulling away (4 months NC before that) and I just could not have the same feelings for someone who had showed me for 2 years that his priority was keeping his ‘real life’ and whatever leftover time he had, he would spend with me, and that wasn’t much time at all.

      I’m always worried about just what you say….when the next man asks “when was your last relationship” etc. So far, there hasn’t been another, and it’s been a long time.

      I don’t know if it’s smart to admit the affair or not. I’d like to think that if the next person really cared, he would not hold it against us, but who knows. Your experience proves the opposite.

      • Xxx

        Thank you for your answer PeggySue. Well to me happened out of blue that the wife has contacted me again. She sounded so desperate and was begging me for the answers. All I was saying was that it does not exist for me anymore and I sincerely apologized. I really wished I could have told her everything, but I was afraid he would make a hell out of my life. She actually found that he had so many women around and could not believe how he betrayed her. I wanted to hug her actually. She is so broken. Much more than I was since those have been years of the life I experienced in a year. He told me once that he was married and wouldn’t mind having me as a second wife, but it was just too much for him, he couldnt handle both of us. And that was truth. He wouldnt mind. It doesnt matter who is the wife as long as he has one. So i guess the same is for your mm, he was just happy enough like that – the object (wife) was there and that was all about it. It helped me a lot reading about NPD on quorra. That is the answer. I honestly do not hate him because I just don’t want to even remember of that hell I survived.
        Regarding telling someone new about our relationship, it is indeed critical. Or I guess the person I told to took me as an easy girl for that fact, so I really don’t know when I would say it again. My close friends know about it and I have a feeling that some of them secretly judge me. To a very close friend who is married I never even said that because I was afraid she might think I would have stolen her husband. But in fact, for me it is now more about not getting again in a relationship with a narcissist. Totally getting rid of this one I had in the first place and moving forward as a helthier me.
        I hope Peggy you do find someone deserving of you. If anything, we fell for love and charles bukowski says “for all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.” 😊

    • JeepGirl

      Hello again XXX,
      I did. I broke free, but it is an every day struggle to forget him and I know it will be this way for awhile. I have accepted that.

      I did not fall out of love though. What I did was realize the man I thought I loved never really existed. He was not the man I thought he was, and the man he showed me he is, is not someone I would have ever fallen in love with.

      How do I feel now? I am very angry with myself for falling for the lies, and for believing he was different & true. That’s my biggest struggle right now…feeling like a fool. Why? Because I am smarter than that, and because I knew better but didn’t do better.

      In the beginning of new relationships we do not owe it to the man to offer up the affair right away, because I am sure there is plenty in their lives that they don’t offer up right away, if ever. We are already paying for our mistakes through heartbreak and regret, so I don’t see it necessary to unload all of our past mistakes & ruin our chances with someone new. Most of us know we would never go through this again, so we need to work on forgiving ourselves & put our past to rest so it is not ruining our future.

      I hope you are doing wonderful!
      XO

      • Xxx

        Hi JeepGirl,
        I read both your answers. Well I guess we all know the pattern more less, we are aware of our position in that hell cycle but still trying to put pieces together and find one more time, one last time the thiniest hope that they love(d) us. I know for the fact that mine did not love me AT ALL. He laughed at me behind my back to his wife, making her jealous with me and made me a pathetic loser. I spent the whole weekend talking to his wife and unraveling our stories – we are both shocked and broken, she even more because of the fact that she has been a wife for almost a decade. I had a gut feeling that something was odd with this man from the day one and yet refused to believe myself. Instead of believing myself I chose to believe him – how wrong can that be! And when the wife tells me how could have she been so stupid over so many years (the man is promising marriage and kids to the whole European continent as far as she could track him), I tell her that I completely understand her. I’d been addicted to him for a year, until he dumped me for another “love”. He is just a great manipulator until one day he is not. He gets discovered and dumped. The wife is very smart and successful, all the women he is converting are too, yet each one of us was manipulated.
        I am extremely angry for such a creep is walking alive to be honest. He is dead to me as far as I am concerned. But I chose to take this as a lesson not to trust any man for a really long time before I wish something to have with him. And after this shock I survived, I don’t care even a bit what any new man might think of me nor I care telling him about my past before he proves he deserves to know it. The recent one who didn’t take it well, I just don’t care anymore.
        All the women here are huge empaths and to the extent that we cant even grasp to say a bad thing about mms. Tricia is still trauma bonded so hardly. I still have a trauma bond, it took me long to say anything to the wife, but when I realized he’d been putting my name inside the mud during the time I was so in love, I don’t have any good word left for him. We still stupidly look for some excuses to give them even when they don’t even bother to make them themselves. As for the love, I can understand that part. We keep on loving based on the memories of good things. But those things are a lie. It was also the hardest part for me and still is – to realize that it was all just a lie. I still cry over that! All the year full of tears, laughs, hopes, love, memories – all for nothing, an illusion!
        Sorry for the long post, I am really angry and determined not to ever allow someone play with my feelings. Thanks for the encouragement, JeepGirl, I agree with every word you wrote! X

        • JeepGirl

          Xxx,
          We do. We love so much that we hang on to every little tiny piece of hope they offer us.

          I hated reading how cruel your ex-mm was to both you & his wife. The hidden blessing in all of your pain is that you saw him for who he really is & you got out. You no longer have to be attached to him. You are free from his chaos.

          These men are master manipulators, and we fall for their BS because we are true. We love with our whole heart & we want to think that they too can love to the same depth. When the reality is, they are just in it for what they can take from us. What offers me peace now is knowing that I am not the fake, lying, manipulator he is. I have pure & true love in my heart, and I will save it for the real man who deserves to have it.

          Thank you for responding & much peace & love to you as you heal.

  • anna

    Hey all, I just wanted to give a little update on my situation. I am still communicating with my mm but very little, if you had told me a year ago or even six months ago I would be in this place I never would have believed it. We are not NC but it is fading. When we communicate we talk more about our jobs and kids than anything else. We have not had sex in a long time… he has tried to see me but I have set boundaries and become very aware of what my triggers are, and I have refused to see him. I have told him that if he can see me for dinner or a movie when I am not being fit in around his family then I will see him. Not sure when that will be since he is very family oriented (ha) and we normally saw each other early Saturday mornings when his wife was working at the hair salon. I’m not doing that anymore! I can’t say that I’m not still in love with him – I honestly think that I will always be in love with him – but not seeing him has helped a lot with the trauma bond and I don’t have the extreme ups and downs that I had when I was seeing him. I do still get angry and struggle a lot with all the time I threw away on him and how this has affected me. I know that it was my fault, but he always led me to believe he was SO in love with me and it was a love like no other. So I just played right into that. I’ve always been a words of affirmation person. I never had that growing up. It was what I always craved so much and he gave it to me. I can’t say that I didn’t enjoy him and need it in my life…. but in the end, this all affected me mentally and physically in so many ways! I’ve become depressed over this and don’t get out much anymore, I’ve gotten really bad migraines over the last year. I know that I am still a very attractive woman but this has had its affect on me. I’m also pretty damn neurotic about talking to other people because I’ve gotten used to staying in talking to him on the phone and I’m now a hermit. I am still struggling a lot with the anger and when we talk I just don’t enjoy him the way I used to and see him as weak and ineffective…I have started talking to someone else and casually seeing him but I’ll be honest I’m just not there yet and it’s going to take some time, but I’m trying.

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Anna,
      Good for you in setting those boundaries!
      That is one of the most difficult parts of the letting go process, and you are so close to putting that guy behind you.

      All you need to do now is put down that phone, and get out of the house to start enjoining your new freedom.

      I commend you! Keep pushing forward!!
      XO

  • Sizzle

    Hi y’all

    Last year July I got involved with my MM, all things were fine we would go out on dates, baevations and even go out on soccer and rugby matches. Trust me I didn’t feel bad at all because I’ve always protected his wife by making sure that he does not spend a lot of time with me and end up neglecting his family. I believed that he is a good, loving and caring guy because not even once we fought and he always kept his promises and always make a way of being with me.

    November on my birthday we decided to go on a vacation to celebrate it, it was awesome trust me I enjoyed every minute of it and that’s when things went wrong because we did not condomise and I got pregnant.
    I wasn’t aware of the pregnancy until December because I had morning sickness and all. That is when I decided to do a test of which it came out positive, I told the guys that we are expecting and what does he say about that, he kept on ignoring the subject whenever I talk about the pregnancy the whole December.

    January we came back from home after the closing that’s when he told me that he will have a chance to think about it, mind you I was too excited that I will have a baby, so I went to a scan to check if the baby is fine and I got a surprise of my life I was caring triplets and now I don’t know what to do or say.

    I told my MM that we are expecting triplets and he started acting up that his family won’t accept me or the babies especially that he is married, things are not good at home because the wife found out about us and she is not happy about, he want to respect his marriage, so he suggested that I have to get rid of the babies for the sake of all of us because the wife won’t allow him to support his babies, he said lots of excuses not forgetting that he said we are in this whole situation together.

    Following day he decided to break up with me telling me that it was for the best of us, and then I was all by myself to decide on how will I cope with these babies when I am all by myself. So I ended up terminating the pregnancy and facing the situation all by myself with no one to talk to or comfort me and he is happy with his wife while I am here miserable.

    All I want to do know it to move on with my life and forget about him, I have learnt my lesson.

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Sizzle,
      I am so sorry you went through what you did. Can I ask, how long ago was it that you terminated the pregnancy, and how long has it been since you have been in contact with him?

      Honey, let that man go. I was recently in a situation with a mm too so I know how hard it is; But, trust me there is such an amazing sense of relief on the other side, when you no longer allow him to use you.

      You are worthy of so much more, and you WILL find true love once you get rid of this guy.

      Be strong! You got this!!
      🌼XO

    • Tricia

      Sizzle. I’m sorry Sweetie ! There are no words . I don’t think I could abort my unborn I to had unprotected sex with my Ex Mm I often thought what if you get pregnant ? Lucky I didn’t but If I did I would have prayed on it and probably kept my child and thing’s just would’ve been a HOT MESS and reality would have set In and he just would have paid child support seriously !! But everybody Is different so don’t think I’m judging you No ! U did what U felt was right for everybody but I do hope God Bless you with a Beautiful Family one day you so Richly Deserve . Deal with a married man Is a true learning experience please be kind to yourself and forgive yourself !! God will give U the strength to get pass the pain and move forward . Prayers.

  • Lucylou

    Hello everyone,

    I found this site after googling for advice! I’m feeling so low and don’t know where to turn for advice.

    I’ve been seeing my MM for ten months. I am deeply in love with him. At first it was a whirlwind, felt like a proper romance. He seemed so in love with me. We are compatible in every way. I fell hard, so hard! The things he said were amazing. He’d send me pictures of houses we could buy together, and we’d fantasise about having chickens and living a wonderful life.

    It was only after a week of seeing him that he admitted he was getting married… By that time, well, I was already lost. I know I should have just walked away. He continued as normal with the amazing ness and house fantasies! Guess I kidded myself that he would change his mind.

    A month after that we had a big row. I said he shouldn’t marry ‘her’ because how could he. He got so angry and sort of split up with me. Then it was on again but only if I accepted that his situation would never change. I agreed. What an idiot, right?! As I say, already in so deep…

    It’s gone on since then with more and more compromise on my part. Broken promises from him. He can’t see me but seems angry if I refuse to see him at short notice. Won’t talk about the marriage and gets angry if I dare to ask about it. Doesn’t reply to my texts, then asks me if something’s wrong if I don’t text for a day. Asks me to communicate if I seem down but then doesn’t reply to my text if I do tell him why I’m sad (he’s getting married!).

    When I write it down I see it for what it is! But all advice and wise words appreciated. I am struggling both to deal with the anxiety of it all and to attempt to finally let him go.

    • Tricia

      Lucy Lou. I’m sorry this has happened to you Sweetie ! It is amazing how these married men are all these stories are Heartbreaking !! I cannot tell U how to let him go because I struggled myself mine left me almost 4 months ago I’m better now but I have my days . The only thing I can tell U Is pray to God for the strength and the courage to walk away It’s hard but U gotta put U first !! U must know U deserve better than this and can do better ! He just stringing U along and when he get tired and bored of U he will eventually leave and that will hurt like Hell trust me . Somewhere out there is a wonderful man for you who will make U a priority and love U and tell the world !! But he’ll never come while U got that fool In your life . Oh and ladies if meet a man and everything Is too perfect or too good It probably Is sometimes their just selling us a dream that will never be a reality background checks ladies … Be Strong Because There Is Life After The Married Man .

    • JeepGirl

      Lucylou,
      I know where you are. I’ve been there. Let him go, sweetness. Do anything you can to get this man off your mind. Meditation and guided imagery regarding letting go of a relationship helped me, as did journaling. The biggest help however, was reading everyone’s stories on here and seeing how our stories are so much alike.

      These mm do not love us, they love to use us. Their promises are fake. They give us this fake life we dream of, when the truth is they are giving themselves to someone else. Be glad your not that someone, that person who is blind to what this man is really like. These mens actions show us exactly who they are, so we must believe what they show us, NOT what they say!

      We have to show them that they are not worthy of us. Get mad! I did, and boy did it spark something in me. No contact is the absolute best first step.

      I wish you an abundance of strength in letting go of this “man” who never deserved an ounce of you!

      Get mad, get out, and get on with your life!
      You deserve it.

      XO

    • Lucylou

      Ps: I split up with him at the weekend, and am now in the depths of abject misery. I’ve been reading all your stories to try and give myself strength, and you are all amazing. I just don’t understand how there are so many men doing this, and so many of us women who are willing to put up with such a compromised relationship. What is broken in me that has let this happen? How can this hurt so badly.
      I am really really struggling 😔😔 If anyone out there has advice or wisdom or just words, do write! xx

      • JeepGirl

        Lucylou,
        I know it hurts now, but you have to be strong. This man has used you, and you deserve so much better.

        A recent quote that helped me:

        RULE NUMBER 1
        NEVER BE SOMEONE’S NUMBER 2
        ☝☝☝☝

        Pretend this man never existed (I’ve had to do this myself), stand tall, and show him your backside as you walk out of his life!

        You got this, sweetness!
        XO 🌼

    • Xxx

      Hi there 😊
      I hope you are doing better, I really do!
      What happens when you get out of that hell is an amazing releaf. You understand how badly you wronged yourself for being in that position. There is anger and sadness, an enormous sadness over a failed love from your part. Then you hear about narcissism, read a lot on quora and even start wondering if you are a narcissist yourself, because we start resembling the person we are with. We were put in a vicious cycle. And there is regret, a lot of regret. Because at one point in your life you were the other woman, you settled for less than you deserve and it hits you hard once you are out of that “love”. That what you feel now is an addiction and try to see it for what it is. That man is not meant for you and surely is not meant for the wife otherwise he wouldn’t purposely cheat on her repeatedly. What happens when you cool your head and write down all the phases you went through is a waste of your life. Imagine what you could achieve better in life when you stop wasting your energy on the man you agreed to treat you badly. Because, let’s be honest, he did not tie you in the basement and made you accept such a relationship. You have a free will to take your life more seriously and not allow someone to treat you as a doormat. I feel so ashamed of what I allowed myself and so sorry that I will be carrying that memory with me. Not that long ago I craved for his call, text, email, whatever possible, I thought that the love I had for him deserved me being a doormat. Oh god, were I wrong! I hope from the deepest bottom of my heart that he never contacts me again for it will only remind me of my rock bottom.
      It is true, there are free men in the free world and take your time to heal and forget the misery you were in. Make yourself content again and the person that your mm fell in love at first. That person is waiting for you to come back and is begging you not to settle for someone’s cheating husband. This was honestly the worst experience in my life. There had been happy moments, it is true, but it was not worth all the misery that came after. Treat yourself better than he does, because if you don’t, why would he? And understand that it is not only him to blame, you are the one responsible for your life and start behaving like that.
      Hope you realise that it is just not what you deserve. The sorrow will pass and you will become much stronger, I promise! 💪😊

      • Lucylou

        Oh hello everyone, and thank you all so much for your replies! You have given me so much strength.

        I’m supposed to see him to ‘discuss’, but am trying to work up the courage not to go. I think what you ladies say about being addicted is true – it does feel like an addiction. But it’s so true – why am I allowing myself to be someone’s number two!

        Sending you all love and strength for your own journeys. I am sure I will be posting here tomorrow depending on what happens! xx

        • JeepGirl

          Lucylou,
          Hi there again, beautiful!
          If you can, fight that urge to meet with him! Tell him the only thing you want to discuss with him is the restraining order your going to have served to him if he doesn’t leave you alone.

          Unfortunately, he is only going to feed your mind with more empty words & fake promises. You do not need or deserve that! You deserve a REAL man with REAL morals & values!
          Decide that you will not settle for less than you deserve!!

          You can do this! You are strong!!

  • JeepGirl

    Hello all,
    This is the first time I’ve posted my story, and welcome all thoughts from you all.

    I was messaged via Facebook December 2017 from my, now mm. We had met over 10 years ago, prior to his marriage, but we were never involved – merely acquaintances back then. Fast forward 10 years and in comes the Facebook message. In the message he said he has, in so many words, carried a torch for me all these years, and that he was unhappy in his marriage. I told him he needed to work on his marriage. He needed to take her on dates and such to rekindle what was missing. He pretty much ignored my advice, and continued to pursue me.

    His words were amazing, and unlike any I’d ever heard. He made me feel special, beautiful, and put me on a pedestal I had never known. I fell, and I fell fast.

    Though we had kissed and flirted, It was a month in before we we’re intimate. He continuously claimed to be in love with me, and stated we were building a life together. The guilt was too much for me & I told him he had to tell her. Eventually he did. That was about 12 months ago.
    The wife has been aware of me ever since, but refuses to give up on their marriage. She and I have talked, the three of us have had three way conversations, and the extent to which this has gone has me baffled.

    She has a tracker on his phone and continuously tells him how many times he has text me and how long we talked. He doesn’t hide his feelings for me, he has told her I make him feel a love he has never known, and he has confessed in front of her that he wants a life with me. I know this because these are things he said while we were on the three way phone call. Still she goes above and beyond to hold on to the marriage. I told her that I don’t know how she does it, because I would have divorced him right after finding out he was in love with another woman, and I told her that she deserves to be loved too. She still hangs on.

    He has a fear of leaving her too though, because several times when he tried to muster up the courage to leave, he found an excuse and disappeared, but he always comes back. I respond to him, but never do I contact him first. In the past year he has never gone more than two weeks without contacting me and begging me to forgive him.

    I have repeatedly tried to break away from this relationship. I’ve changed my phone number, did NC, attempted to move to another state. You name it I’ve probably tried it. He has begged me to not let go and has even shown up on my doorstep several times. Until recently, I caved and took him back each time. Love makes me downright stupid.

    I am finally in a good place. The tears have stopped, and I don’t miss him like I once did. What got me to this healing point is being absolutely fed up with being strung along, being lied to, feeling constant anxiety, being second in a man’s life when I know my worth.

    He still contacts me every day or every other day, saying he loves me, that he is going to leave, and that he will never give up on us, and every time I decide to answer I tell him to work on his marriage.

    I make no excuses for my choices, nor am I proud of what I allowed myself to become involved in this, but I am human and I do make mistakes. Getting involved with a mm was definitely a mistake.

    For those of you who have an opportunity to walk away, I say RUN, because never does a love story result from an affair. We, as the other women, will end up the one without the man who claims to love us.
    The longer you let him pull you back in, the more you will hurt when it’s over. There are good men out there who will love us, good men that deserve us.

    I wish you all healing.
    XO

    • Xxx

      Hi JeepGirl,

      You are a wise woman! 😊 Based on your story it seems that your mm had some true feelings for you (or not), but I’m glad to hear how you set your bondaries and keep on ruling your life. Good luck with your freedom! 😊

      • JeepGirl

        Hi there XXX,
        Thank you so much for the kind words!
        By no means do I want to make it sound like this has been an easy process for me. I had many sleepless nights, feelings of anger and nights & nights of crying. The past year has definitely been a struggle. But, it was this same hurt that got me to the place I am today.

        I am now going on day 5 of NC, a process I have stopped & restarted way too many times. But, this time it’s different. I finally see him for who he is, instead of who I thought he was. I finally see what we were, as opposed to what I thought we were.

        I do believe that he loves me, but not more than his comfortable life at home with her, or else the outcome would have been different. I also now realize that I was probably not the only other woman.

        My love for him was unlike any I’d ever felt. I would have loved him with my whole heart, forever. The problem was, he didn’t love me to the same depth. He couldn’t have, or he would not have hurt me the way that he did – over and over. True love doesn’t feel like that.

        I was drowning in my own tears, then left alone to wipe them away while he was at home playing house with her. That, combined with what his wife told me – woke me up. It put a fire under my ass.

        Never again will I allow him or any other mm into my world.

        Thank you again for your kind words. I am definitely stronger now.
        Hope & healing to you.
        XO

  • anna

    Young – That’s the trauma bond – the pattern of systematic abuse and the way they actually mess with the chemicals in our brain causing us to feel angry, resolute and so strong one moment over the shame and feeling last (lashing out, wanting the tell the wife, etc) and then when those feelings pass, a day or so goes by, the serotonin drops, the anxiety rises, the depression comes back heavy and we start to miss them horribly.. then when we see them again, similar to an addiction we feel good again and the cycle continues. I think that you should focus on yourself right now and not worry about communicating with your mm at this point. Any further communication from this point forward is not going to benefit you. He is focusing on his family and you need to focus on yourself. At this point there needs to be NC – I know that I have said in previous posts that I have not been able to do NC for myself so I don’t mean to sound like a hypocrite but for you in this scenario I do think that NC is the best thing, and that is what I would advise you to do. I want to be clear that i do not blame you for this in any way, shape or form and I do not think that you should beat yourself up for this AT ALL. I just think that you need to move forward and after you have gotten a lot of distance from him and you have healed then perhaps you can reach out to him but that time is not now nor is it anytime soon. Good luck to you sweetie!!

  • Sarah

    Guys i’m having an awful day today and could use some words of wisdom. So i met my MM at work. I left my job a month ago to get away from him as it all got too much (he said he loved me and asked me not to leave but i did anyway) and its been 1 month of no contact. Although i know its for the best, it hurts that he didn’t even try contacting me once after i left work. He clearly got over me quick. Anyway, his wife was pregnant during our affair. It was my birthday yesterday and our mutual friend called me and told me that MM’s wife had given birth – on my bday, how weird is that? The news absolutely broke me. I can’t stop thinking about how we both made this mistake yet here i am hurting and feel like i’m being punished, yet he’s moving on with his life – had a baby and is moving into a new house. Its not fair.

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Sarah,
      It has been a few days since you posted, so just wondering if the time is helping in your healing process at all.

      I too have been involved with a MM. I was going to share my story the other day but got busy, so planning on doing so tonight.

      I’m finding this forum to be a great way to release, and heal.

      I hope you are doing well. Keep your chin up, and remember you are worthy of so much more than bits and pieces of a mm.
      XO

    • Used , Abused & Confused

      I do not seek out married men! Apparently I am extremely gullible and a poor judge of character. I met my MM at work. Usually I never would date a coworker but I was limited on my availability for dating and outings. For years I never even noticed him. He was the funny guy, but so not my type. Then I started to notice how funny he was, and how seemingly nice and honest too. I finally got over my first heartbreak so I was open to dating outside the box, “my box”. I figured he could be the one if I gave him a chance. We became friends first (which hurts the most). He actually dated me and we planned to go on a trip. The way he would look at me, touch me, kiss me I knew he was crazy about me… That was back before the sex, which was amazing might I add. So I never saw it coming when he told me he was getting married in less than 6 months. He was telling me he loved me and spending lots of time with me. We either were together, talked on the phone or texted all day long. Fast forward to the month before the wedding…his wife’s surprise delivery of a super preemie baby rocked my world. The baby required a 3 month stay in the ICU. He would go every single day at least once a day. I should’ve let go then but I couldn’t. I still held on. Then there was the secret wedding no one at work knew about. He doesn’t even wear a ring or acknowledge being married. Once the baby got home he had zero time for me. We only see each other at work for the most part unless we sneak away on our lunch break (he began to seek me out less and less, which hurt so badly). I have been stood up countless times. I finally decided tonight was the last time. I deserve better. I wish I could turn off my feelings. I wish I never opened up to him. I wish I never met him. I wish I didn’t have to see him all the time. I was completely honest to him but he lied to me repeatedly. He got me tangled into this web of lies by allowing me to get close to him knowing he was engaged the whole time. Being that he was a good friend… Maybe even my “best friend”, I confided in him a whole lot. He offered a shoulder to cry on after I dealt with being raped. He offered great advice too. I never thought he could hurt me in this way. Not my friend. Now I have to break away for my own sanity. I just wish I didn’t have to see him regularly at work. Things are so awkward now. I feel like I can’t trust anyone ever again.

      • JeepGirl

        So sorry to hear your hurting. One thing you can do to rid yourself of this man is to make a list of the ways he has hurt you & let you down. Then each time he contacts you, read that list instead of answering his call or text. Also, if you cannot block his number, change his name in your phone, change your ringtone, and change his picture. For example, my ex-mm’s name is now the acronym YDB – for You Deserve Better, his ringtone is now Rihanna’s “Take A Bow,” and I changed his photo to Pinocchio. Now when he calls or texts, these reminders help me not respond to him.

        The sad but honest truth is that these mm do not respect us. They so easily discard us. That is not love. Love doesn’t feel that way.

        The best revenge? Do you! Better yourself in every way imagineable. Join a gym, learn something new, go back to school, get a new hairstyle, make new friends, and never look back.

        Get mad, stand tall, and tell him to kiss your ass!

        Your worth so much more than he could ever give you.

  • Marlene

    I’m ashamed of starting an affair with a man at work that lasted a year. At first I didn’t think he was married as he acted very single- bringing me chocolates, holding door each day I came in. Was very platonic fir a long time. Then he complained about problems at home and I was sympathetic. I loved the attention. I had an absent father and schizophrenic mother plus went into foster home where I was molested for several years. So I understand why I let this happen.

    He only complimented me on my appearance and it got over the top at times. We then hooked up for 7 mos in evenings with very intense hot & heavy sessions. He never once took me on a real date. Go figure! He paid only for coffee and gave me a nothing xmas gift. By this time I was head over heels nevertheless.

    He then started making excuses not to hang out anymore. Had the nerve to tell me right to my face that he was trying to hang out with another co-worker! So he was otherwise too busy or tired. I was devastated as I think he was subtly telling me I was not good enough. He started wearing cologne and growing a beard. But I kept hanging on while he ghosted for a week & then return. He was still bent on stringing me along by text though. and taking me for coffee at lunch then holding my hand and hugging.

    He was very happy to mention how he spent time outside work with his other female friends who he says are just platonic. Right. I feel he was disrespecting me by mentioning other women but no longer giving me much of his time.

    Tried many, many times to ghost, delete his # but it only lasted a week or so & I would keep answering his texts . It was impossible. He played hot & cold constantly which drove me nuts

    I did what I thought was the only last resort. I became a bitch to drive him away & turn him off. His father died so I told him I thought he was totally lying about it (he wasnt). I know its cruel but now he doesnt text and I dont feel any chemistry between us at work. He seems indifferent to me but is happy to blabber to me for 20 min about all his woes.

    I am hoping its finally done and I can heal.

  • Young&Dumb&Desperate

    Hi ladies.. I have posted my story earlier before… what has occurred was something that I never expected was to be the end of our relationship. I ended up telling his wife.. I did not think that it was fair for this woman to think that a child with a man who had been cheating behind her back for 4 years should be deceived any longer of their perfect life. I feel awful.. not because I have lost him.. the sense of relief of knowing its finally over is gratifying.. I knew a big portion of why I told her was also selfishly for myself as I couldn’t let go.

    What I feel guilty about is that even after I had done this he has said nothing but kind things to me.. how he wishes nothing but the best for me and that he hopes I end up happy with someone else, that I will be proud of my accomplishments, and sorry for the pain he has caused. I responded with nothing but anger as in addition to this he had said things on if I loved him I would not have been capable of destroying someone so much and that I sure did win because of how much I hurt him. He was sending me messages about how he felt suicidal and that if I were to tell his parents it would push him over the edge and that it would be because of me. I feel awful that the way it ended was so horrible and I did not feel any compassion towards him all I felt was anger, it was like all the built up resentment I had towards him for all the feelings that everyone here has expressed, unhappiness, guilt, shame, loneliness could no longer be overcome by what I felt for him. I feel like an awful person for what has occurred… his wife has taken his laptop (until they install security things on it) and is putting a tracker on his phone to see where he is at all time in addition to this they are going to a ‘intensive couples counselling retreat’ he told me he no longer has joy or happiness and that life is discouraging. He said he is now paying the ultimate price and that he does deserve this.. but why do I feel so guilty for the way things ended?

    • PeggySue

      Hi Young&Dumb&Desperate (I really hate to call you that)

      Unfortunately, I plan to do the same once I sell my house and move out of town as my ex-MM lives within walking distance. The bottom line is what your MM said. He deserves it, and he’s finally paying the ultimate price. I feel no compassion toward my MM, since he never felt any for me. When I think of the times he sat and watched or listened to me cry. He knew that I wanted to be with him, and he would just wait until I was ‘better’ and was willing to wait around to stay in the affair with me until he got caught, or until I got tired of it (his words). Yes, I knew he was married, but I foolishly thought an unhappy man would eventually leave. Yes, I realize now that was beyond foolish, but I did believe it.

      I haven’t posted here in a very long time, but I ended my nearly 2 year affair almost a year ago (in April). I feel like he got away with something, and I did not. While I no longer miss him at all (once i opened my eyes and saw him for what he was, it was very hard to miss him). I was a friend to him and he was nothing to me really. He gave me his time when he could – which was whenever he could as long as he didn’t get caught. Keeping his ‘real life’ was always his priority.

      I’m sorry you feel guilty, but you did her a favor. Now they are in counseling, and she is keeping a very close eye on him. That is the outcome I want for my MM. She already watches him like a hawk, but she isn’t smart enough to turn on ‘location services’ on his phone etc. My letter to her explaining our affair (and his previous affair) will help her keep a real watch on him. I can’t wait.

    • Tricia

      Young . Wow that’s deep !! But U feel guilty because of hurt really U cause his wife she as nothing to do with U she just want to happy just like U . Sometimes a wife already knows her husband is cheating she can feel it but she loves her husband regardless and have too much invested in the marriage . But forgive yourself for what U done we all do foolish things dealing with a married man is a No Win Sutaition but the real lesson is for us ( women ) what did U really get from dealing with him ? And was it worth it ? I ask myself that yeah do hurt that my Ex Mm don’t even think about now . But Young U will recover from this experience and find a peace of mind and happiness again !!! Stay Bless .

    • Bells Paws

      YDD, i really sympathise with you and the hurt you have gone through. I understand the horrible feelings you have experienced of rejection, disappointment, and feeling second best and lonely. We have all been through it , that’s why we are all on this site. While a lot of these MM aren’t that caring or responsible, we can’t change them, but we can change ourselves and I think its important that we try and recognise the roles we play in these situations and try to address that so we never fall pray to the same reoccurring problems and patterns of behaviour. But before acting in ‘revenge’ , please think twice . Causing other people so much hurt and pain will not heal your own hurt., it will achieve nothing but more pain and suffering for others and yourself. THis man was driven to suicide. Is that what you really want? He’d leave another woman and a child’s life destroyed . We can’t do this. Its none of our business to go wrecking other people’s lives. We are responsible for ourselves, our own choices and our feelings, not try to destroy others just because we’ve made made choices and are left feeling so bad, What we need to do is use all this pent up energy and anger and focus it on ourselves- to become stronger, happier more fulfilled women in our own rights so we make happier healthier choices for ourselves and so we will never find ourselves involved with a MM again, and will not even be tempted because we are so happy and enriched in our own lives we wouldn’t give them a second look. That’s the best form of revenge- to come out on top. We need to lay down our boundaries earlier on so it doesn’t build up and then come out in such destructive ways. Come on girls, we’re better than this! Don’t react so nastily and selfishly , focus on yourself and your life and creating more positive things, not negative revengeful bitter anger , it is you who will end up the most hurt and its so malicious, spiteful and unnecessary.

      To TDD, set yourself a goal so that one day you can let go of all that hurt and anger inside you, you can be happy living with yourself and you can reach out to your ex MM and offer a true heartfelt apology.

      • Anna

        He was not driven to suicide…. he is alive and well. He’s just been exposed. He paid a high price for his actions and lying and cheating on his wife and treating another woman so carelessly. People have a responsibility to those who give them their hearts to take care of them and not to treat them carelessly. And many of these mm are not responsible.. which is why many of us are here and suffer… Does that mean I agree with what she did, no. But I understand the place of pain it came from and understand the utter desperation in her story and why she ultimately, after everything, felt she had to do something to cut it off… all of us are different. Some of us react differently when the realization clicks and we realize that we can’t cope with this anymore…It’s easy to say well you knew what you were getting into with a married man. I think many of not all of us when these things started if we had known what was going to happen would have never gone down this road. But once you are deeply invested there is no going back. And by that time the man has everything and day by day your heart is being destroyed. Also let’s not forget it’s the mm who is responsible for hurting his family. They are his responsibility. He’s the one who is committed to them. He’s the one who is betraying them. I would advise that she forgive herself and focus on herself and let her mom focus on his family. Consider talking to a therapist. Start rebuilding your life without your mm. Put this in the past and behind you and every day will get a little better. The main thing is to forgive yourself. You were in an unhealthy situation, think of it like an addiction and you are off the drug and becoming a new person. Just think about the person you are becoming. Good luck to you!

        • Young&Dumb&Desperate

          The emotions are all starting to hit me now… I had been strong for 3 days of no tears or remorse and felt like I did the right thing, I still do believe I did the right thing by telling her, but some additional messages that I had sent her were probably not necessary and the way I had treated him with utterly no compassion in our last conversations where he had said nothing but nice things to me, but at the same time I believe it was more for him than me. To get the final bit of our relationship ending with him being the good guy. His narcissistic ways.

          I know I truly did love him more than anything I had ever loved in my life. The amount of investment, effort I had put into that relationship was unlike what I had done in any other relationship, including my own family. When I would tell him, “I love you more than anything” he would respond saying, “I know sweetheart, but you shouldn’t.” If I had to think back on the relationship he was very honest with me most of the time, but at the same time with his honesty there was manipulation behind it, which confused me and drained me so much…

          What I am feeling now is to send him one final message, not necessarily an apology, but a message that truly does indicate that I do want happiness for him, and that I believe the only way for us to have fully let go was for me to have told her and that would then finally result in him changing, them possibly renewing their marriage (they say after some affairs marriages can be stronger than ever but not sure considering he’s had 4 years worth of it 50+ women?), and potentially be actually ready for a family. I want him to know I truly do want the best for him and that his life is destroyed and to not live in fear that I would ever send his parents pictures of us as that is what he told me if I were to do, would drive him to suicide… I don’t want him to live in fear of that and for him to genuinely know I don’t hate him nor want to destroy him.. I’m not sure ..but I just hate how it ended with him saying that I hate him when that isn’t true at all.. and its very evident I still have feelings.. not feelings of ever wanting to get back together.. but truly sad in the aspect that I will miss him and the minuscule moments we did share were some of my happiest…

          • JeepGirl

            Don’t do it hon! Don’t write that message!

            You will only be showing him he is still on your mind & you do not want that. That’s what fuels these men & their egos.

        • Jules

          Thank you Anna. I broke up with my mm 30 days ago and I am still crying intermittently. He told me “I love you so much that I risked my stable home life to be with you”. Just what every woman wants to hear. What a compliment. Everything that you said was so comforting but your statement; ” And by that time the man has everything and day by day your heart is being destroyed”. OMG, perfect description of my last few weeks with him. I could not deny the pain anymore and what it was doing to my soul.
          Thank you for sharing your understanding of a painful situation. I agree 100%

    • Xxx

      Hi girl,
      well, try not to feel absolutely anything. I personally wouldn’t do it – telling the wife, but who knows what I would be capable of had it continued. I would just strongly advice you not to respond to his bullshit stories of being so desperate and suicidal. He just got afraid of living life in a trap of his newly become controlling wife and envious of your freedom. You are very young, there are a lot of great things ahead of you, I promise. You cannot believe how great it is not to be obsessed with whole that “married-wife-jealousy-shame” thing. I literally wasted one year of my life – was very slow at work and my social life and health suffered. That is a horrific cycle of mental and emotional abuse, and I feel so embarrassed I trusted all the bullshit I was presented. You just don’t think people you have feelings for would harm you for their ego boost. Just stay away, those “in love” feelings do disappear, trust me! And the anger you feel now will pass just ignore him completely and enjoy your life. Good luck 🙂

    • JeepGirl

      Young&Dumb&Desperate,
      You are everything but that name you chose. Telling yourself that will only lower your self esteem, and make you fair game to these selfish mm. Recognize that you are, young, smart & beautiful!

      Forget about telling his wife. You have no reason to feel shame about that. Heade vows to another woman & then pursued you & God only knows how many other women. He is the one who should feel shame.

      Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and show him your worth by walking.

      You ARE worthy of a real man & real love. Settle for nothing less!

  • April

    Help me out I’m in love with a married man. He tell me he love me back everyday. We been having this affair for a 8 months now. I know u think not that long but it was like love at first site. He didn’t tell me at the beginning that he was married. When he did tell me we had been spending so much time together it was hard for me to let it go. We talk on the phone everyday and see each other everyday since we met. I forgot to mention I have a man that live with me but we not together anymore. We like roommates until my lease is up in May. Me and the married man are both in a situation right now that we working on getting out of to be together forever. The married man want to get a divorce but his daughter been crying out for him to stay. I’m feeling selfish now because I really love him and want to be with him. I feel his daughter may try to come between us. I haven’t met his daughter yet. I also have a son he met my son. I think I’m just scared to be alone and this man is everything I been waiting for. Except being married. Our plan is to be together when I move from this other guy. He telling me to be patient he only still at home with his family til then. Well, the wife been noticing his changed behavior so she put him out on New Years. He couldn’t come stay with me so he ask her can he come back. He said he have to play his cards right until we move in May. I just couldn’t take being second anymore so I decided to cut him offf. It’s hurting me so bad. I really love him and can see a great future with him. I think his potential’s, dreams, and great job sweep me off my feet. I hate to let that good man go but reality he is someone’s else good man. Pray for me that I find another good man that’s not married. So should I have waiting to see how it turned out or did I do the right thing by letting it go now?

    • Tricia

      April . I think what U did was courteous and took a lot of guts !!! U put yourself first chance are he would’ve stay with his wife and kept U on the side and kept telling U ( Oh I love U Be Patience with me ?) But for how long ? To what end ? U deserve a wonderful man who Is available and free to be with and make plans with U and U can introduce to family & friends . I do believe In the Power of Prayer Yes U miss for along time I still miss mine but God Got This !!! Stay Strong Girl !

  • Pamela

    Hey ladies I’ve been reading comments here and it’s really helping me to move on. Met my married man sometimes in Oct 2017. We talked over phone and video called till we officially got intimate in January 2018. We had a bond. Late January 2018, His wife caught him cheating but didn’t know I was the reason behind it. Well throughout the months in 2018 we would have ups and down. He will ghost me for a week and come back. I knew it was mostly sexual however I developed some feelings. My MM is really jealous of me interacting with other men but pretends it doesn’t hurt him. Well January 2019 we had intecourse and on the 25th he decided to cut ties and end it to concentrate on his family. He didn’t tell me that was his plan. He made it seem like he decided to end it because he’s insecure about myself and other guys interacting however his brother told me he said he has decided to concentrate on his family and forget about me but knowing him. He will be back. I have no feelings any more. It’s just sexual. My problem is not to break out of emotional connection but the sexual connection. He himself cannot stop even if he tried but that’s not my concern. Anyways how did you ladies get off the sexual part. By the way I’m married and I’m not lacking emotional attachment. It’s just the sex and myself and my MM have so much stuff we talk about that we can’t share with our spouses and we like a certain type of sex we both don’t get at home. Hence the relationship.

    • Need Advice again please

      Hi all ,I didn’t contact him and have tried to now just ignore him but since coming back to work from xmas he has now started to go to pub most nights with 2 people one is a child 23 who we have always argued over . Anyway he is leaving early staying out late most days. Doesn’t seem bothered about work and I think he has also caused his wife to leave him not sure what he is playing at and prob running around with that
      Drinking and whatever else . I couldn’t help myself so I emailed him and told him not sure where your head is at and why you are running around to the pub now every day leaving work early with that . I said your making a fool out of your self and everyone knows it and I know his wife would not put up with that . Makes me laugh oh we can’t do that and this cause of her . Now we are not talking for months except the argument we had at xmas he has gone mad or something talk about causing issues but he is walking around like I don’t know a care in the world . He is just drinking a lot more now . I told him he is not the man I thoughts and what jump from one to next risk his family . I did tell him I still cared for him but I am no doormat. I just don’t understand why risk his marriage now ?

  • need advice

    Thanks you so much for you comments , you sound like wonderful ladies ! I am in a bubble but not a great one . I know what you are all saying and I have read up and it’s hard to believe that is what he is as you would understand when you met him . Is not possible to be insecure and jealous and act like this and not be like that . I am trying to stay away but he has moved downstairs for a while so I keep seeing him and he actually passed me twice to let me go and said sorry the first time he has been pleasant . But it’s hard as he came in my office I got up and walked out . He hasn’t doesn’t usually come in since we haven’t spoken . I guess I don’t understand why he doesn’t say something and why he has left me hanging after saying all that’s stuff to me then saying he is not sure . Perhaps it is a game . I don’t really have anyone to talk to and getting time off work is what I am going to do

    • Hayley

      Need Advise – well done for getting up and walking out, this is exactly what you need to do! Don’t make eye contact, nothing and only speak if it’s striclty work. Turn the tables.. let him see you growing stronger (this is their weakness).
      If he’s your boss though I would seriously consider moving jobs! You’re mental health is important.. my anxiety couldn’t bare working with my ex MM again!
      And notice how I say EX.. I’m almost 3 months no contact, feel good again, I still miss him and it’s taking time but I will never contact him again.. and I was with my MM on and off for 14 years!!! I know I know. It can be done. Let’s make this guy your EX.
      Take time off.. calm your mind and do something nice for yourself. Stay out of his way & be kind to yourself.. Distance is the answer I promise. Stay strong.

  • Bells Paws

    My married man does not fulfil the stereotypes- he is loyal and respectful to his wife of 30 years, he is honest and kind to me. In fact its his kindness that has got him in this situation in the first place. For reasons he has explained and that I believe he hasn’t slept with his wife for 10 years and has denied his own needs for all this time. Yet he is an affectionate and loving person with natural sexual needs. He met me- a younger attractive single girl and there was a massive attraction between us and we have had a sexual relationship. It has been lovely, i thought we loved one another, I thought we were meant to be , he gave me hopes and for the first time I truly began to believe that all my dreams would come true .. with him. However, the reality has now kicked in after i feel i have already invested heavily in him. He is 100% committed to his wife and family, she is 100% his priority and they spend 100% of his free time together. He’s nice to me, but i’m just a fortnightly hook up. We have no future whatsoever,, i feel empty, crap, used, unfilled and last . Its a horrible horrible feeling. No matter how much you love someone it does not makeup for the 99% of a relationship that is lacking and that i was holding out for. So i know what I should do, but i also know i’m in a bad place right now- vulnerable, unfulfilled in the rest of my life and my pull to this attractive, grounded man who has it all is very strong. Each time i resolve to end it, i can’t resist and my needy emotions take over once again. I hate myself for being used in this way, for not showing myself more respect and value but he drew me in so strongly and i believed in him. How to extrapolate myself with dignity and rise above?

    • Hayley

      Bells Paws – then you need to make yourself 100% priority. He’s made it clear where you stand, mine did too eventually and I chose not to settle as a secondary role in his life anymore. Did it hurt? Yes like hell it did.. imagine smashed glasses against the wall, breaking down in tears on my kitchen floor kinda hurt but you know what.. I made a commitment to myself to get over this.. almost 3 months now. It’s been hard, I still miss my friend, the man I believed he was but I’m so much stronger now. Distance is the answer. Run and don’t look back. Completly no contact. Concentrate on yourself, love yourself more, find new hobbies, meet new people… this all helps. My son started football I’ve met new people and it makes you realise you don’t have to stay trapped in this bubble. Seek help, talk to someone about it, this helps too.
      Just because he is committed to her doesn’t make you less of a person. Be thankful you aren’t married to him cause he may be a nice bloke but he’s still a man with no integrity who is cheating,he is not respectful to her. Knock him off that pedestal !!
      No contact works, it will be tough.. some days harder than others, leave your phone at home on these days (I locked mine in my glove box) and it will become easier and easier.
      66 days to break a habit.. treat yourself at 30 then at 60!
      There’s no future here for you, for any of us! I’ve not read one happy ending on here.. so please dig deep.. don’t waste your life one day you will look back in fondness but you’ll be so glad you walked away. I promise.
      Stay strong beautiful lady. I hate these men for doing this to us the only karma is knowing they may want to stay married but they will never ever be happy but who’s fault is that. Good luck to him!
      Download a book called the ‘no contact rule’ to keep you strong.. you’ll be agreeing with what most of it says.
      You can do this! You really can and you really should.
      Big hugs.

      • Bells Paws

        Thanks for your words. Its so hard. What is so difficult about breaking up with a married man is that its not them its the situation that is wrong. You are still in love with the person, have all the feelings, think they’re wonderful and yet you have to break away because of the situation.

        I messaged my guy and told him. He replied lovely as usual but in a way reinforced exactly what the problem is- he could never give me more so he is able to let me go. Despite how much he claims to like me and think i’m wonderful etc, he will stay with his sexless boring unfulfilling wife. Haha and therein lies the answer,

    • anna

      Bell Paws, I identify with so much of what you wrote! I never thought my mm was the stereotype either. Mine was very loving and attentive and always treated me well. Always made time for me. For a long time that was enough, because I was enjoying it too and loved how he made me feel! Also, like you said, I felt that you could be in love with the person and hate the situation. But after a while he became a larger part of my life than I was of his…and he couldn’t give me everything I needed. The isolation and depression became intense. I would try to talk to him about it but we always came back to the same place. I believe all of these mm have some degree of NPD in them. Not saying they are all monsters, but they are troubled people. Emotionally healthy people don’t lie to everyone and risk destroying people. They do not love how we do and sometimes I wonder if they are able to love at all or do they just love how we make them feel.

      • Bells Paws

        Anna and yes I relate to much of what you write too. I really enjoyed him so much too, i would put up with a lot and thought I could deal with it. But in the end it wasn’t enough and every time i miss him and wonder if i did the right thing letting him go I make myself remember the empty feelings, the loneliness, the unhappy days, the nights alone, the holidays alone , the inability to plan anything together, valentine’s alone etc and all while he was cosy with his family and wife. Its not a natural situation . I do recognise some traits in me- yes an absent father for example, that undoubtedly make me more prone to these kinds of situations and i wonder if you can recognise anything in you too? We are the type that will love so intensely and come what may, and the other person becomes the centre of our worlds and will self sacrifice too much for what is almost like a drug high.

        I don’t think they are nasty people as such, its just the toxic combination of an attractive vulnerable woman who needs deep love and validation and a strong charismatic confident man unfulfilled in certain aspects of his otherwise fulfilling life who loves the attention and ego boost he gets- its quite natural. I don’t want to feel bitterness towards my MM, he was and still is a lovely wonderful person, he’s only human and has weaknesses and failings like we all do that i don’t hold against him. I played my part in the situation too by allowing him to have me, by not enforcing my boundaries etc. I just wish that these MM, so committed to their wifes and families, and fair enough , would do just that and be committed and not play around.

        To me, i;m just gutted having met someone who i thought was a dream and who gave me hopes is not to be. Good luck to you girlie xxxx

        • Tricia

          Bell paws. U summit it up ! It’s been 3 months for me N/C I miss him and still think of him but what keep me strong is what u just described all those lonely nights and feeling bad most of the time plus I was only really wasting my time with someone who was never going put me first or love me ! But there is life after the married man . Stay Strong it gets better ladies .

        • Hayley

          Bells Paws – absent fathers! Mine committed suicide when I was 5 years old.. I’ve often wondered if his absence is a result of the stupid choices I make !!!

      • Bells Paws

        Actually, when i was with my ‘MM’ i always felt lonely, rejected, let down, disappointed, unfulfilled, sad, empty , unhappy , needy and a bit helpless. I clung to this dream of a perfect relationship with him that was not real. When we separated, although I miss him and still long for him etc part of me is also restored in pride and a sense of personal dignity and part of me feels better knowing i’ve done the right thing and laid down that i won’t accept it all on his terms anymore. I wonder Anna if you can try and feel the same a bit too. Then every time you miss him, just remember these horrible feelings….

      • Bells Paws

        One more thing Anna. Read the posts here and you can see the situation from an objective view. All these women sound lovely, so loving, devoted and caring but also vulnerable, needy and almost victims. Some of the stories sound almost abusive to me. We all have the right advice to give to these women and its all the same advice. What i’m saying is that reading these accounts objectively can help you take a more objective view of your own situation and see just how unfair and sad it all is and show you what you are putting up with. It doesn’t have to be this way. Don’t stand for it anymore. Lay down your terms clearly and unequivocally and walk away. Yes you’ll lose him, but you’ll have your dignity and self respect in tact and he couldn’t ever give what you really needed and wanted anyway. I’ve done it myself now, I adored my MM, I loved him totally and deeply but it made me feel wretched. In the end I didn’t want to play that role of the poor helpless victimised female. Now I have separated from him I feel a sense of empowerment and dignity and I know 100% that I have done the right thing. The fact he hasn’t come after me is further proof of that.

        • Need advice

          Bella paws. You are right with what you say but with my mm it seems different as some treat there mistress not as bad. Mine just seems to be mean now and cold. It doesn’t help that I work with him . I felt insecure , anxious , felt like he liked me that way too . He had the cheek to say I don’t ask him to see him but he wouldn’t make a effort always seemed like he wanted me to. If I said how I felt he would say I am not making you feel like that . But he was always said how I felt but he wouldn’t . Never been sure what to make of it all if I was manipulated or not or if I still am . He is now running around going to the pub after work some child not like he is hiding the fact but then he is not talking to me because I am seeing other men when j am not . Just don’t understand why and why not say to me I don’t want this but leave me not knowing what to do . He think I am happy and he had a go and said cause of another man . I don’t think that nice either . Or how he deliberately withdraw attention and when I say he says that’s all I deserve . Yet he can be so sweet . Guess you really don’t know anyone . All I know this whole ordeal is effecting my life I have never felt so low . I feel lied to I feel like he is so selfish but can be so sweet . He is very good at twisting everything back round on you . I know he is no good and he is only 30! I think he is immature , insecure but never known behaviour like this from someone in my life . I dread going into work especially now I hear this stuff I just can’t believe I got myself into this mess and the only person who cares is me .

  • Need advice

    Thank you so much to these wonderful lady’s with your advice. I do but none knows as I am to ashamed and I always thought something was a bit a miss. However I have never felt so sad about it . I never told him I love him and I think he likes you to be clingy and tell him how you feel but he doesn’t when he used to . It’s hard to believe that he is something else when I always though what a sweet guy in a marriage he didn’t want although he never promised to leave her he just said we how things go and so did I . Just he is so good at making you believe you are wrong he always says he is always right and he does criticise me now if something upsets him I did but he would never say what ! I do need to find some hobbies I just feel all alone . Thanks Hayley for saying that it made me smile you want to give him what for . You all sound very strong and sensible women . I just thought if I had a affair it would mean something which I told him otherwise it’s disrespectful to all . I just don’t understand why play games with me and let me go . I have been good not contacted him although he has moved closer to where I sit and even came in my office stood by the door I knew he wasn’t going so I got up and he said sorry and moved out the way ! But when he closer to me I see him more which doesn’t help . I am seeing about some time off I agree it’s hard to get away when he is my boss . Worst is when you say I am hurt upset you gone like this I am so struggling at work please just say if you don’t want to do this . I didn’t think you were scared to anything , it’s not hard to say via txt instead confuse me and keep me hanging on not knowing them to blame me on the night out and then again upset me even more and say to me he isn’t sure then walk off . it’s cruel I know it is . Thanks so much again I had hoped I would be OK by now but I am not hopefully I will soon

  • Tricia

    Need Advice. No not all married men play all those mind games your married man play ! But U aren’t at fault for his actions but men only do to use what we women allow them to do ! U sound like a lovely young lady who just got caught up and having problems sorting thru what’s real and not with your married man ? Well I’m tell U most them probably do care about Us but not enough to let go of their wives now that is their reality we are just fun an escape from their reality and when we start wanting to much or falling In love with them the fantasy of them or getting to clinging it a wrap ! Game Over ! Because now we are trying to be something we cannot be. And most married men lie about loving some of their mistress they will tell U whatever they feel U need or want to hear . Why do that because they can that why like the lady told U it’s game to them . Mine never did lie about his feeling for me because he knew I know better ! U can’t take these men SERIOUS u will be hurt end the long run. Letting a married man go Is hard but it can be done there Is life after the Married Man !! Be Kind to yourselves ladies

  • Need advice

    Thanks everyone for your comments as I am new to all this. At the moment I can’t see much as he was so sweet and nice and everyone says what a nice guy he is . I know this is not right . He doesn’t like confrontation but seems to enjoy the silent treatment. Just make me insecure when I wasn’t as first . I
    Told him this and he has a cheek to say he is . Like he says I know you don’t think we still be seeing each other I say why do you say that I love your reaction . I always feel everything is my fault . I just can’t understand then when I try and reach out as we work together he doesn’t say I don’t want to do this . Like knowing I am struggling at work but then having a go when he thinks I am happy . Saying about I am with someone , questions my feelings , then when j say I’m not seeing nor do I want to see anyone . Told him I think the world of him . I said I won’t see anyone I know you didn’t ask me to then he said so your gonna wait then I said j didn’t say that either . He says what good will it do gets mad again then say well I am not sure when I have ever said my feelings then storms off leaving me confused again . Why be mad with me why have a go when he knows we could have a talk and sort it out one way or another people are gonna notice we go from talking coming in together to nothing I just don’t see what he is getting out of this . I’m not the sort
    To beg and I told him this . I know I am being walked all over I just think how sweet he can be . I also know I have to say the right things like if I do something I always say only for you if I don’t say it he goes quiet . If I don’t look at him he will say and then when I do he will say at least I looked at him this time . I never experienced this before he is adamant he never don’t this before so why treat me like this . I said I get jealous and he says why cause your nice to everyone but me now . The compliment stopped . I wished him a a happy xmas nothing . I know what to do but some days are so hard at work I’ll see him laughing then he won’t even knowledge me or look at me . I’ve never seen him like that as every time I see him he gives me that look and I know he likes me but now it’s like he hates me . That’s hurt more then let’s come to some common ground. Is this what all of them do in the end? Are they all like this ?

    • Hayley

      Need advise This man is toxic with a captial T. Yes they all start off sweet and charming and to the outside world they seem great men and that’s what keeps us hooked. I don’t even know him but I want to give him what for!
      Do not share your feelings with him again, do not tell him you think the world of him, he knows this and is playing on the fact. Do not contact him.. in fact get as far away from him as you can.. please consider moving jobs I did it and it was the best thing. Until you are completely free you will never heal.. time and space have a funny way of making you see it for what it was..
      he’s got zero respect for you.
      I say this in the nicest possible way cause I’ve had to learn myself but you need to start learning to love yourself, spend time on you. All this wasted energy is just that, wasted energy. There is no future with this awful man I promise so please cut the cord. Do you have friends, hobbies something for yourself? Can you talk to someone ?? Yes it will hurt like nothings ever hurt before but you will get through it and come out stronger.. please trust me.
      I know you think you love him.. (been there myself) but trust me this isn’t love! Please look up ‘narracist’ he is a classic, do some research on it.. most of these men are!
      He is not worthy of you.. you have future waiting for you with a wonderful available man but it won’t happen until you love yourself, stick your fingers up and walk away! For your own health and sanity sooner rather than later.

  • Kad

    Need Advise.. how to move on like he did so happily.. my husband knows about my affair I told him, the man I had an affair wanted me to tell my husband. He is ready to divorce me. After this man moved on in just one day, I begged my husband not to divorce me as I have no one and I cannot deal with this world. He accepted me back but he is not talking to me, we are living just like two strangers. Where as the man I had affair with is happy with his family now. My world has become upside down.. I don’t know what to do.

  • Kad

    Hi This is really a fairy tale and slap on my face.. I should have not done what I did, but now I am stuck in deep
    Emotions for this married man who moved on just in one day for his family and wife…I am married with two kids. He said I am his soulmate traveling for so many births. We connected very well. He said he was ready to leave his family and kids for me. He said he will always stand by me. Married me ( though not legal) had sex with me. Cried for me told his wife and his parents that he loves me a lot. He made believe that he is always there for me but he went to his country and in one day things changed. He said god bless you and your family and he cannot see disappointment in his parents face and cannot see his wife crying and kids angry. I understand that but this is not right way to move out. He should have atleast called me and told me the situations there. I know I did wrong but I cannot come out of his love.. thoughts of him are killing me and he moved on in 2 days and posting pictures with his wife..how can men be so strong? When I wanted to breakup with him he cried saying he will die and get suffocated with his wife.

  • Young&Dumb&Desperate

    Hi Ladies..I am 22 years old and in desperate need for advice .. I’ve been (dunno if I still am) involved with a MM (34 years old) for 8 months now.. it has been the most tumultuous relationship I’ve ever been. Like most of you I thought I had met the love of my life. Initially these were not my intentions as I had stumbled on SA looking for a way to financially support my dog’s surgery.. I figured it would be a one and done deal.. I had met him through that and I felt a connection throughout our time of getting to know each other via text and then meeting.. he was filling a void inside me. At first he had told me ‘to not fall in love’ and that this was ‘just two people having fun together’ … by the second time we saw each other (I drove 8 hours to see him and would cross the border every time) he had told me he was falling in love with me… and by the third he said, “I love you.” Those 3 words impacted me so much because I never really heard them throughout my upbringing and didn’t have many relationships before that. I fell madly in love… His reason for cheating on his wife was for a lack of intimacy.. when we first started talking he had told me that they only had sex about 2x a month, a complete year without it (out of their 11 years together), to the point he turned to massages, escorts, and then eventually came to SA to fill the ‘connection’ aspect (he has now been cheating for a total of 4 years) They are high school sweethearts and each other’s first love.. waited till engagement for first kiss and sex only until after marriage which was when he learned of her lack of sexual lust. I had learned that he has been with 50 women before me.. where only one he had fell for but she eventually ended it by ghosting him (they only lasted a couple months). I also learned that while in that affair he threatened to leave his wife for her lack of sex in their marriage to which she begged for him to stay and would change (this is just a couple months before meeting me). A month in we had gotten caught by his wife on his phone and he then had to install some app that allowed her to see what he does on her phone.. our texting was then limited to just his laptop use which he uses often enough for work using an app.. we would see each other whenever I had breaks during school/when she was gone/business trips and id be able to steal a couple hours here and there..Eventually like all affairs.. I became so obsessed with comparing myself to his wife.. wondering if he loved me more, whether he was more attracted to me, I would question their sex life and would feel threatened about it improving to which he then told me that they would now have sex 2-6x a month 6x being the max and he wouldn’t enjoy it or wasn’t even 25% as good as ours.. this aggravated me so much as this was not what I initially had been told.. Although I knew all the answers to these I needed validation, I knew I was younger and more put together, and I knew I put a ton more effort in our relationship than she did (which he had eventually admitted), whenever I questioned who he loved more he would always answer that it was “different” and just something that couldn’t be compared. He owns a business in which she works for him and I would often offer my help whenever I could in other areas of his life or work as well when I could to the point I would stay up for hours with him at his office to keep him company/support when needed, while his wife stayed at home and went to bed.

    When I would think about such degrading moments that I feel so ashamed for was sometimes when he would have to leave me in the hotel… I would wonder what he would be up to at home. One time after his wife had returned from one day of absence she came back wanting to be with him and questioning why he didn’t want to come home right away to her (he had lied saying he was in the office when he instead came to the hotel after church to steal an hour with me). I tried to initiate things with him but he refused claiming that he was afraid of her catching on my ‘scent’ which disappointed me… as he was leaving I asked him if he was going to do anything sexual with his wife as she seemed needy for him to come back which bothered me.. even though she has every right to… he replied, “she may want to, and its better I do as it’ll make it more likely for her to let me go to the office so we can spend more time together.” When I think about this.. and how manipulating it truly is .. it disgusts me.. all I could do was let him go.. and so it worked and I later got together with him that night to spend with him at his office to which I learned his wife had given him a hand job in between our rendezvous. It made me sick but I wanted to spend time with him so badly.

    Flash forward to as of recently.. I am absolutely madly invested in my MM.. to the point where when I would tell him that I loved him more than anything and would do anything for him which he would respond, “I know but you shouldn’t” he would often tell me not to love him so much for our situation and that he didn’t deserve me.. I deep down knew that but it didn’t matter to me. if there was one thing, my MM was quite honest.. in a pretty brutal way. He would say he did not love me to the same degree I loved him which would really hurt.. as of last week I had messaged him about how excited I was to give him his birthday present where I picked up extra hours of work to buy, to which I got a response I did not expect, he was all upset and saying, “I don’t deserve someone who shows me so much love it kinda is a bad thing given our situation, you need to go live your life. I don’t benefit it and you are far too invested. something that was meant to be casual has become obsessive and that is not what I wanted’ I ended up getting really upset and trying to end things with him as my biggest thing was always feeling under appreciated or not good enough for all the things I would do for him when compared to his wife. he didn’t respond for a day and like an idiot I retracted my message and ended up asking him if he would take me back for things to be casual and not say ‘I love you’ to which he agreed and that it would be best for me for our feelings to stop growing and that he no longer “wanted to be involve” as it was too ‘complicated’ this hurt so much but I didn’t want to lose him from my life and so I complied.. we have been talking on and off now as opposed to daily and I would express how I was struggling with this and that it didn’t hurt him as much as it did me, and it was bothering me that he would avoid this topic of conversation, to which he replied that he was getting sick of me picking at things and that it was annoying and that I need to completely move on and said ‘it was not in my DNA to take a step back from our relationship’ .. this truly has hurt me and like an idiot I have sent a ton of apology texts asking for forgiveness..no response as of yet..

    I want to let go of him so badly but I feel compelled to not.. just yesterday he sends me a nude and tells me how he thinks of me everyday and that very night attends a party with his wife and posts pictures the next morning WHILE messaging me… I don’t understand how a man is capable of living his life like this?? I know I would never tell his wife which kills me even more as its so unfair… why does he get to live his life completely in peace and untouched while he has destroyed me… the fact that his wife will never know and how they look so happy together in pictures hurts.. I hate this so much and desperately need help to get out of this toxic cycle and dependency on him.. but I can’t seem to find the strength to..

    • Tricia

      Young,Dumb,Desperate. First of all your not Dumb . I read your story you are a smart young lady who made a mistake dealing with a older married man who was way over your head .U are young please don’t invest anymore time in this Mm find U a young single man who appreciate you and go have some fun !! He was honest with you believe what he has told you and move on .Don’t think about his wife and what she know and doesn’t !! Stop comparing yourself to her and their sex life is not for U to worry about and plus it’s hurt thinking about it. Let this be a learning experience for U and don’t let this ruin your relationship with other young men not all men are Butt Holes !! U will recover from this affair now get your smoking boots on and leave him in the dust young lady …… Stay strong & Blessed !!

    • Xxx

      Dear girl, i am almost 30 and have allowed myself to feel dump and desperate for having similar situation as you, except that the history for me coming so low is quite different than yours. However, the pattern of their behaviour is quite similar and he basically pursued me from the beginning until everything went down hills. For me it was shocking that someone would unconcuously manipulate and lie about their feelings for fun. Or to walk out your life as if you were strangers. First, forget about that man. Sorry that it hurts but he used you. Might be he was in love for a brief moment but it vanished. You are just a lot of trouble and he was not planning to leave the wife at any moment. Secondly, please don’t use that SA or whatever.. just don’t. Now, try to look at it from the bright side, if being the other woman was destined for you to be, better you experienced it with 22 than lets say 30, for if I were 22 I would have put it in the past by now. Take this as a lesson not to trust everyone, never again get involved with mm for any reason possible because they would finally devalue and betray you no matter how much u loved them. It might affect your confidence as well which you will build up again of course. What would you possibly expect out of that relationship? A loyal boyfriend/husband? You would have to install the apps on his phone as well. The affair consumes you to the point where you lose your identity and what is important for you. Please don’t put yourself so low to be ready to accept everything just for the sake of keeping your addiction on. If anyone, i was so in love and consumed and hit the rock bottom for someone who just kept easily without me. No second thoughts whatsoever. So stop begging, screaming, yelling. From the objective point of view the sooner you get over it the better. Take your confidence back for you are a smart young lady who sacrificed a lot for her dog. 🙂 Take a week of holiday, get drunk with your girlfriends, laugh, write your thoughts in the journal, delete his numbers and apps and move on. There is a movie “the holiday”, pay attention at the scenes with kate winslet, you will feel better i promise.;)

      • Young&Dumb&Desperate

        Thank you so much ladies for your comments… he ended up responding to me and told me he was still in love and loves me but wants things to not be as intense as before.. as there is no gain to our relationship in the end.. aka ‘we don’t end up together’ (which is the obvious I know). I got sucked back into it and have been talking to him everyday as like before.. but the context is different as I have been trying to put my life as more of my priority and being productive so I am not obsessively thinking of messaging him all the time/staring at my phone.

        Today he messages me the worst news which is something I had not anticipated at all while I am with him. He told me that his wife has been expressing about being ready to have a baby (she had aborted their first child without telling him her resolve about it about it a year or so ago). Throughout our relationship I had expressed to him that out of all the morals I’ve crossed to be with him that was something I simply could not handle, he would tell me that was not something that would happen for at least another 2-3 years so I thought nothing of it and would think to myself I would have high-tailed out of it by then and would not care. Now I am completely devastated.. there is no way I could be part of something that could potentially ruin a child’s life if it ever got out.. I am so hurt.. he is telling me he’s doing whatever he can to put it off as its stressing him out.. he’s been extremely busy with his business as of lately and it just seems horrible timing and has been saying he’s ‘not ready’. But she seems persistent due to their age… I literally cannot handle this pain..

        • Tricia

          Young . I know it’s hard to get the strength and leave him. So I’m suggesting U ask God to remove him out of your life and take those feelings away too sounds corny but I believe In the Power of prayer . He is planning a family with his wife if she already ain’t pregnant ? So U should be planning your departure and your own future without him. He using U for his own selfish purposes and when he get tired of U he will discard U like yesterday trash and that will hurt like Hell !! Please love yourself first and know there Is life after the married man .Stay Strong !!

  • Tammy

    Need advice….yes, my comments are for you. What you describe is like high school not an adult relationship in the least! He seems to like drama and is dragging you in with that, please get out before you are to blame for everything…..in work places the women are demeaned the bad one n gets the ruined reputation not the boss! Love yourself and get out, you’re so involved that you can’t think outside of your box other than about him! Think about you, he has a wife to worry about him!! He wants you to be free for him but is he making an attempt to leave his marriage for you? Most likely he wants his home life and you as the side dish!!! Please think of yourself first cause he certainly won’t, most MM are self centered that’s why they are where they are!! This is all a game to him….he wants to control!!

  • Need advice

    Hi Tammy
    Not sure is this a reply to me ? If so this is the longest we have ever not spoken . I don’t trust him I feel like he would cheat with other but it’s hard cause I never have before . I just can’t understand he would rather ignore me when he has issues . I know he is a jealous person but he doesn’t like to admit it much and it comes out when I accuse him cause he says if your saying it then you are doing it . He is suspicious comments on my seat moving in the car . I met him late and cause I had my bag with me he said I must have been somewhere first and not come straight from home even though he knew I had to get petrol . He always says about men at work and how he questions my
    Feelings when he can’t see in my eyes how I feel about him never told him I love him as I don’t want to give him that . Yeah I want to be with him , he drinks every night he is miserable but he is good at pretending life is great . He over think far to much and he admit he can be hard work . I remember him saying to me I think your strong enough to control me , I never knew what that meant . A new job is not an option but I keep crying at work when I see him . When he emails I get upset as he is treating me like I am nothing . I txt him and asked if you don’t want me then tell me I said I am struggling to come into work nothing . When we at work do he ask my friend how did she get here and how she getting home . Then she bought me a drink he said I’ll get it but when she said it for me he said you can get it . He really has turned nasty to me and all I have done is try and be there for him . Should be me
    Being like that

    • Hayley

      Need Advise – this man sounds like a nasty controlling manipulative person. I’m sorry but the comments, the jealousy, the refusing to get your drink.. all forms of Manipulation.. this man is showing you exactly who he is! Believe what he is showing you and run for the hills.. emotional blackmail at its finest.
      I’m sorry but you can do so much better than this jerk.. don’t cry at work.. laugh at him.. don’t give this man another second of your time. Don’t let him know you are upset even if you are dying inside cause they love this!! Big ego boost and allows him to be ‘nasty’.. play him at his own game.. ignore his emails if you can, don’t look in his direction etc..
      He doesn’t sound very nice so please ask yourself why would you even want him?? Please focus on yourself. Take time off work find a new job whatever it takes but you deserve so much more than this beautiful lady you really do!!

  • Tammy

    I am so sorry you’re going through this but it’s obvious of what you should do from an outsider reading your status of on and off again. He wants to be chased and unfortunately there’s nothing to chase in a MM, it’s funny how they want us to be single but they forget the go home and crawl in bed wt someone every night!! Once my MM saw me having drinks wt another guy after I broke up and he called and told me “you’re the one bringing in a third party into our relationship”, I am sorry but I am the single one and you’ve always had a third a party in our relationship!! Get out now cause he’s not only effect your emotions but now being your boss he is effecting your lively hood!! He’s playing games wt you cause he’s bored at home and obviously he’s also afraid of getting caught by her wt his statements which means he’s not going to leave!! Please be careful because at some point you’ll be found out as the bad person wt your coworkers, if you can a different job would be best but that’s easier said than done I realize. You already don’t trust him please remember that too!! We can get caught up in our own bubble and not see what is really happening so love yourself enough to get out now before it turns to years of being miserable!! You will hurt and miss him but there are “real” men that will move mountains for you and don’t act like children!

  • Need advice

    I could do with some help. I’ve been Having affair for 10 months I love him but he changed. Shock met at work I been with someone and he married . I was cheated on. He made comments to me and started via txt said all the right things. But things changed when we argued but I always backed down as he always made me feel it was my fault . I would have to txt him loads for him to be ok again he would not reply for days then one txt then nothing for a day then ok again . He says he is very insecure and I split up with my partner and he acts odd. Says things like I am seeing other men which I am not . He wouldn’t txt me if he knew I was going out . Then we had a little argument over nothing really but he didn’t txt me my usual morning txt he used to txt me night but when we had a row he stopped that . I didn’t do my 10 txt a day I tried to find out what wrong but nothing he is now my boss and I saw him on works do. He kept looking at me all night angrily so I thought enough I went and spoke to him and said why he first said that’s life then I say no grabbed him back he said I am talking about him at work I said one thing so I said that’s childish then he said I am happy I have a man I am back with my partner . I said no he said don’t lie I’ve been told wtf . He said why haven’t I moved out I said cause the house isn’t sold then he said why hasn’t he then I said only when house is gone . I said I only wanted him he said his wife is suspicious too. I said I wouldn’t go with anyone else he said what so you will just wait and I said yeah. I said you know how I feel about you he said no I don’t though how do I know ? But you do and he said I don’t . I said I always txt you he said not like you used to . Only cause I am sick of chasing him . He doesn’t as much either . I said I missed you you haven’t me and he said I didn’t say that I haven’t missed you I haven’t said that . He also said I looked at the floor when he smiled at me I told him cause of the way he has been as I said he has been acting so cold towards me . He then said not sure how I feel when have I said how I feel. Unreal . Then he got angry stormed off . He was drunk . I try and avoid him at work he send email but it upsets me . Like one time he said for me to do a course somewhere else I didn’t reply then the next day emailed me to ask if I did I said yes. He ask certain people how I am and he ask if I am in as I hadn’t sent something to him. I don’t trust him as he could be cheating with someone else . Since middle October we haven’t txt and still the same . I am finding it so hard I don’t know what to do . I don’t want to come into work . He was always quick enough to threaten ending it when we had a argument now look at it

    • Tricia

      Need Advice. Sound like U are struggling with what to do ? Well ask yourself Is all this pain and heartache, stress worth it ? U already admitted thing’s aren’t good between U two don’t U think U deserve better treatment from a man ? U said changing your job isn’t a option I understand so try and avoid him at all cost the less time around him the better .God didn’t create a woman to be walked on by No Man !! Nor Abused Verbally, Mentally or Physical !! U only invested ten months into this man walk away while you can he is married and it ain’t going nowhere and you so richly deserve better. Good Luck …..

  • anna

    Well I seriously backslid last night and agreed to meet up with him take a ride to give some stuff to his daughter. I knew when I agreed to it that it was a mistake but stupidly went through with it anyway – we rode up there and right before we got to his daughter’s apartment he dumped me off at a coffee shop while he went and gave her the stuff. I sat there waiting for him for 45 minutes, hating myself so bad for even putting myself in that position – and when he came back we just sat in silence in the car. It was extremely awkward. I asked if he had to get right home and he said YEAH and that was enough for me get upset all over again. It was not a pleasant evening. I told him I can’t be someone he fits in around his family anymore! He called me today crying saying he was going crazy and how much he hates himself and wishes he could die. Which is exactly how I feel. Part of me knows that I need to go NC and cut this off completely but part of me wants to keep the companionship and friendship we have. I have some days where I feel strong and then I have days like yesterday/today where I just want to cry. This is extremely hard. I don’t know what I would do without this page right now because no one else knows what I am going through.

  • Tricia

    The Aftermath of my 7 year affair . Hello ladies ! Well it’s been 3 months since I saw him and a month 1/2 no contact wow I made it this far my friends are so proud of me that I made this far ! It’s been a struggle but now I don’t have to wonder when I’m see him again what he doing at home with his family , No more feeling used ! And waiting for a texts or phone calls and rearranging my schedule for him ! No more living In shame and feeling guilty for sleeping with a married man ! And waiting for what eventually will happen [ HIM LEAVING ME WHEN I LEASE EXPECTING IT ] Without a warning or see’ya or hey baby good bye ! He just slowly faded away from my life I guess he felt I have a mental breakdown or go crazy and tell his wife ? So ladies I wasn’t ready for N/C he gave me no choice in the matter and I’m not In the business of bagging no man to stay with me ! So free yourself . I do miss him thou but not like I did early on I’m losing the desire to call him or texts him .I hope I don’t see him because he probably will see the sadness in my face I’m a work In progress but I’ll U guys the crying have stop and above go to sleep without dreaming of him ! I remember him telling me I come around when I’m NEED !! I knew then he didn’t care about ever seeing me or talking to me and that’s how know It’s over .Ladies all affair have a slow deaf to them or a expiration date to them so weather your ready for N/C or Not The Married Men Will Leave After All He Started It ! Ladies Stay Strong & Blessed . To my new Beginning …….

    • Hayley

      Tricia I am so proud of you beautiful lady. I’m over 3 months no contact now and no longer counting. Yeah I still miss him but I don’t miss the headaches, the anxiety.. it does get easier.
      I have a feeling he will be back for you one day.. whether it’s months or years I have a feeling he will.. you become a challenge again, you become intriguing again.. mines been back more times than I care to admit.. so just be ready for it and don’t fall so easily when he does.. in the meantime don’t wait for that to happen, live you’re best life and concentrate on yourself. Only us can break the cycle.
      Keep at it.. keep strong.. I’m missing him a bit today for some reason. Funny how it comes and goes in waves but I won’t ever contact him, I won’t give him the satisfaction.
      Well done us… onwards and upwards. We’ve got this x

      • Tricia

        Hayley .Thank U ! I don’t think any of us ladies will ever forget the MARRIED MEN they are unforgettable No !! I still have my texts from him I don’t read them no more it hurt to read . I think every man knows just how long they can have Us out there before they come back I think they study Us and know more about Us then we think ? But I’m truly tired of the back and forth romance and I know I must avoid him his Office is up the street from me [YES] . And believe the reason they break and leave is because they are too living with the guilt and shame especially when they go home to their wives and it become to much for them. I could it see in my ex’s eyes and sadness at times I could handle him leaving me if he only would have told me [ Tricia Baby I gotta go ] I wouldn’t be so hurt . I too use to take Antiexty pills when my sister died it really helped me ! But I’m feeling better now .And Hayley I think U are a strong woman with a Beautiful Spirit and your Ex Mm knew this about U but he also knew keeping U was hurting U and just maybe he set U free because he did love U 14 years !! U deserve all the Happiness your Heart can have girl !! Do you .

  • Katie C

    I haven’t posted in month or two. MM had ghosted me for a month back in October. He is now back in my life, and we are hot and heavy. I am 100% in love with him. He says he loves me too and wants to be with me but that is would cause so much devastation in his family. I get that and don’t even want him to leave her. My ex left me for another woman 13 years ago, so to those who say they don’t ever leave their wives are wrong.

    I never thought I would end up being the mistress after what my ex did to me, but here I am.

    He lives 2 hours away, so we see each other only a couple of times a month but talk on the phone and text daily.

    I saw his wife at a function we wound up at together. I was devastated seeing her. First, because it was a reality check for me. To see the woman I’m hurting. Second, because I was so envious of her place in his life. She is priority (and rightly so), but I selfishly want him all to myself.

    I cannot help my feelings. He’s everything I want in a man except for that one big, glaring thing- he’s married and not mine to take.

    I hate this path, but I absolutely, truly love him. I have several single suitors and none of them strike my fancy because they aren’t him.

    Never thought I’d be in this position. I don’t even know how I got here. I was not even looking for a man or love when he came into my life.

    • Hayley

      Katie C – I don’t mean to sound harsh but you say you don’t want him to leave his wife and then you say you selfishly want him all to yourself, so which is it?
      Also I’m sorry about your ex but were you married with a family? It’s a lot harder for a man to leave a wife and family and whilst some of them do, MOST of them don’t. The longer the affair goes on the less chance of him leaving her.
      The way you feel about this man is exactly how we feel / felt about ours too.. it takes over your every thought. I get it..
      Unfortunately I don’t have any advise (cause you sound like you are still in the thick of it) other than run and go back to no contact. I’m sure you do love each other but this shouldn’t be enough for you.. you deserve soooo much more than this as we all do. I’m well over 2 months no contact now and starting to finally believe it and if he were to contact me now he’d be met with a bolted door even though I too thought he was my soul mate not so long back… but until you get to this same point you will remain trapped in this affair. Goodluck to you and be v careful.

    • Anna

      Hi Katie. Many of the things you said remind me so much of how I felt about my mm. We were madly in love, he professed that he wanted to be with me but couldn’t destroy his wife and family. So I stayed in the shadows – for 7 years. I threw away some of the best years of my life – and the chance to maybe meet someone else.

      It’s true that some men do leave but most don’t. Read the articles and statistics that are out there. These men are getting everything they need — the home life stays intact and they have us propping up their egos, providing sex and validation — and they don’t have to be the bad guy — so there is no reason to leave.

      My mm would claim he never wanted to hurt me and that he hated hurting me and that he wanted to make me as happy as he could. He was very attentive… we talked every day and night. He was fine with lying to everyone. But he couldn’t move mountains to be with me.

      Read up on narcissism and cognitive dissonance. I follow a feed that discusses NPD and the crazy thing is that it just appeared one day in my feed.. it was like someone wanted me to see this. I started reading up on it and read more and more every single day. And I realized that my mm had some of the qualities of a covert narcissist and that’s why he is the way he is. And the more I read, the stronger I got.

      It has been very hard and I have been through a LOT to get to this point, but I am finally to a point where for the first time in 7 years I don’t feel like I need him and can walk away. We are not NC but we talk very little and have agreed to be friends. I have laid down some healthy boundaries for myself and only contact him if and when I want to. Life is getting much better every day.

    • Anonymous38

      I still love my ex-MM…like soooo much..the other day he told me he loved me for the first time in years…I didnt say it back..I was so confused…can a MM really love his mistress?! Smh..

      When Im ready to let go..he tells me this…being with him is so painful…I cant do it anymore….he needs to focus on his wife and son….

      • Tricia

        Anonymous 38. Appreciate your married man honesty that way when he leave at least you know the true . I wish my Ex Mm gave me true honesty anyway it’s two kinds of love (1) when it’s a friendship love (2) A true genuine love where a person make u a priority not a option ! Figure out where U fall ? Good luck 👍!!!

        • Anonymous38

          I honestly think he’s in love with me…cuz at one time he did make me a priority…but thats not important to me anymore…At the end of the day he is married…Also, my feelings are fading…thank God!

          I know in my heart God has someone for me and only me….who will treat me like a queen!! I cant wait to meet him…

    • Tricia

      Kate C. Reading your story U sound like your living with the shame and guilt of dealing with your Mm ,And yeah it’s true men do divorce their wives but it’s rare most of them stay my Mm ghost me to all the time I minute it’s on for about 5 or 6 months the next dude was outta here until he finally just left for good ! But I’m alright now I have my Deja’vue moments going back to where thing’s was lovely ! But it wasn’t real it was a relationship based on sex ,lies and sweet talk to sum it up !! But I did enjoy him I can’t lie but he was never mind and I was never his .And no man can ever compare to the married man but I know somewhere out there Is someone special for all of us but we got to be open to the possibility of a new love. I hope U can eventually see your way out of this affair .Pray to God for strength .

  • Wummy

    How exactly did i get myself into this, A well brought up lady found herself into dating a married man. Oh no!!!! I shouldnt have done this. I joined my workplace a year ago, am naturally cheerful, ever happy lady, just last year i got myself into this, Yes he is my boss, of course i knew he’s married but do u know what i was in an unhappy relationship then. Really he gave me maximum attention, i fell for him, its crazy but i really loved him soooo much, we talked everyday, chat everytime but i was living in deceit, i opened up to my guy, Well he forgave me, i cut off the relationship with MM, its about 12 days of no communication, saw him twice at work, I wont deny this, i really do miss him, i had to delete his contacts from my phone so i wont be tempted to chat him, he’s aware i told my guy about our affair, it has not been easy at all, i get jealous of his attention to other, he greets me like normal at any time will get to see by chance. I know it wont last but i miss him, i even told him we should continue at first when i quitted but wasnt comfortable i quitted again and reason i deleted contact. I have been reading peoples experiences here, right now is like i cant bear it, its not easy, i really do need a tight hug from someone who really understands my plight and this is why am typing this. Fine i deserved to be blamed, i really deserve that, Amidst all this i really appreciate this platfor. Thanks everyone.

  • Jenny

    I have been seeing a man who has been in a 13 year relationship with another woman and has 2 small children. The affair has been extremely intense and i can say i have never loved anyone the same way i love him…he says the same. His excuse for not leaving is the kids. He says its not about choosing her over me, because they dont get on, its about them. Intially i could understsnd this logic however ive gotten to the point where i cant understand it anymore. Why be in a relationship you dont want to be in, even for the children. Until it dawned on me…he could leave, he just doesnt want to. He told me recently that she mentioned about breaking up so he came over and told me about how it could be possible for us to be together, putting all these thoughts in my head…only to basically change his mind a week later because shes working harder at making their relationship work.
    Ive been with him over a year now and unfortunately i work very closely with him. Does anyone have any advice of how to end this?

  • Anna

    Yep. We have always said we are each other’s best friend but I started realizing how fake that is. A best friend will pick up the phone night or day. A best friend will drop everything when you need them. If I got in a car accident, could he come be with me? Could he spend the night with me at the hospital? NO! He says he can’t leave her, it’s not can’t, it’s won’t. He has a choice and he chooses to stay with her. I requested that he at least have integrity enough to tell the truth. The facts are what they are and we have been doing this for years. Even if he feels like he is trapped and can’t leave – just tell the truth. Let her make the decision. Nope. He can’t do that either. It’s not can’t, it’s won’t. Because he doesn’t want his whole world to come crashing down – his world is protected at all costs – it’s fine to mess up my world beyond all recognition as long as his sham stays intact. When I get really angry I want to tell her.

  • Anna

    I was always been the perfect, compliant girlfriend, there for his needs and rarely if ever asking for anything for myself. That all started changing around the fall of last year when I started getting tired of the way things were, tired of him never being there when I needed him, tired of never being able to do normal things other than talk on the phone and have meet ups for sex, and asked him to plan some special time for us as a couple. I practically had to threaten to end it, but he finally agreed to take me on two quickie overnight trips. We went but he had to make up these elaborate alibis and I could tell the entire time he was not relaxed. How could he be? How can these men ever be, knowing that they live a double life? So the trips came to an end and we went into the holiday season. He and his wife has large extended families and I have very little family, so that was depressing for me to know he was always busy doing family things. It just kept building and building on me, until finally I just started realizing that I get nothing out of this but stress. He came to my house just before Christmas and gave me a gift that was nothing. I am not in this for gifts but you could just tell he put no real thought or energy into it the way he shops for his family. I met him a few weeks later at the mall and he tried to have sex with me in the car and I got upset and his Christmas list for his family fell out of his pocket. Then I just completely lost it. It was a huge turning point and I realized that I could not keep doing this! He does so little for me and works me in around his family, and I have just tolerated it! And he will keep doing it as long as I keep allowing it! I have not seen him since then even though he has tried. We are still talking but we fight every time we talk. It has really reached a point where I am furious at him and it is all coming out. All the years of frustration and pain. All the things I wanted to say, but only said to myself. I know that the next step is no contact – I admit that’s a hard step for me to take, I’m just so trained to look for his responses on my phone, it’s like a physical release I get when I see that he’s responded to me. Even now when I’m so damn angry at him. Any advice on how to break the addiction and take that first step in going no contact? Thanks ladies for any advice you can give a struggling sister.

    • New Year New Me

      Hi Anna! No contact is very hard and you have to be completely ready to pull the trigger. But I will tell you it is the best thing for you. I’ve been no contact for about 2 weeks and I know that doesn’t sound like a long time, but every day is another day closer to being truly happy. My MM and I would talk every day, ALL day. Like you said, it’s an addiction. When you have contact or see each other you are on a high and when it stops, even if its only for a few hours, its a low and want more. They are a drug and the best thing is cold turkey. And you are 100% correct because even when they are with you they aren’t fully there. It is so frustrating because you want them to be fully engaged but they are always focused on what if the wife is texting and having to respond so she doesn’t suspect anything. My MM would even admit that he wasn’t fully there and wanted to be so bad. Well that just wasn’t good enough for me. If he wanted that then he would do the right thing. But even then at the end of the day I probably wouldn’t trust him. So my advice would be no contact. It will hurt and you will go through so many different emotions but that’s ok. I just keep telling/allowing myself to feel those emotions and over time it will get better and I will be able to find someone that wants to be fully committed to me! Keep your head up and good luck!

      • Anna

        I did not contact him last night for the first time in almost 2 years. I have been sick, really sick, and stressed out and overwhelmed, and I told him exactly how I felt and his response was like I was telling him the weather. Then he changed the subject to his adult daughter who is also sick. He’s always turning it back around on himself or his family in some way. He refuses to acknowledge anyone other than himself and can’t even talk about anyone other than himself. I got disgusted and decided I’m not talking to him and just started occupying myself with other things and didn’t even think about him. He blew up my phone all night and called me first thing this morning at 7:30am telling me he was worried about me and to call him. He’s not worried about me. He may be worried that he’s finally alienated me for good, but he’s not worried about me. If he was worried about me, he’d be over here taking care of me when I’m sick. Anyway, I have given this a lot of thought and when I’ve tried to go no contact in the past, I’ve always had a hard time with it because I make the fatal mistake of arguing with him culminating with “it’s over” which in turn causes me to get upset and seek out a response from him stupidly thinking he will win me back over and keep checking my phone incessantly for the fix of his next response. So I decided the way I need to do this is not to argue with him or fight with him anymore and just fade away.. There is nothing left to argue about! We have had the same discussion over and over. I just need to stop replying to him and disappear and feel whatever I am feeling without the high intensity emotions. I can just feel whatever I am feeling and let him be the one to wonder and look at his phone for a response for a change.

  • Hayley

    They say it takes 66 days to break a habit.. well I’m roughly around day 70! Yes I’m on anxiety tablets I’m not ashamed to admit it but I needed some help along the way.. work also getting me down so I won’t give him full credit for making me anxious even though I’m pretty sure it’s because of everything with him but what I will say is that I am so glad I am away from him. Away from the anxious waiting, the guilt, the shame, the lack of dignity.
    They will never leave their wives. EVER and us women let these MM control us yet no man on this earth is worth this. In fact reading your stories these men make me sick. I can sit here and think what a great guy he was, he was my soul mate, we had so much in common. I’ll never find another one like him again blar blar blar but 70 days away from him I just think what an absolute idiot I was!
    Yeah I miss him, I miss the friendship more than anything but now I realise these men aren’t friends to us! Anyone can say ‘I love you’ anyone can! Just words ladies just words to keep us hooked.
    Where are these men right this second? Yes that’s right with the woman they CHOSE to stay with. Work on your self esteem and walk the hell away.. I’m so glad I did.
    Don’t accept them in your life ever again unless they have their divorce papers in hand and even then be wary.. very wary!
    I remember my MM (my soul mate ppfftt) commenting that he didn’t like my hair pinned up a certain way.. at the time I stupidly thought it was sweet he noticed and cared..Now I realise that it was may be his true character and now I wear my hair that way almost daily cause no man tells me how to wear my hair! No man! His poor poor wife !
    Lucky escape from who I thought was a wonderful man! They are all narascissts with ego issues who like a sense of control over their wives and us!
    Ask yourself.. is he really that perfect?! Really ? There are another 500 million men on this planet.. their wives chose the wrong one.. but we have a choice.
    No contact all the way.. yes it hurts like a bitch but don’t give in at any cost cause at day 70 you’ll be thanking me. I promise.
    I just hope he misses me every second of every day and that ladies is my rejection right back to him.
    Please I’m begging you all, turn it around on yourself.
    Concentrate on you always!! not these ass clowns.. and if he really really wants you he will climb mountains to have you and if he doesn’t, his loss and you will have moved on anyway.
    Happy new year to you all.. let’s make this a better one.
    Get rid !!

    • anonymous38

      hi hayley..so glad to hear from you…Ive been having a very hard time…some days Im not sure if the wives made the wrong the choice…I follow the wife on instagram…He bought her the most amazing gift…After that I realized he really does love her…He bought her a painting drawing of her..my heart sank a little…but then I realized she deserves it…it was a very thoughtful gesture..

      even though he asked me for sex recently…I believe he really loves her…

      P.S. Their lives looks so amazing from my view..It amazes me that he cheats…I think he cheats because he gets away with it….

    • Xxx

      I haven’t followed stories here for quite some time since I am mastering another issue – narcissism. It explains every single thing I went through with my (or 5 more girls’) MM. I must say I am not that sure they miss us at all, if anything they might miss the fuel we were supplying them with. I realised my MM got bored of me long before I thought and was just keeping me around for possible sex involvement. I cornered him with every hurtful thing he had done to me and his response was “i am sorry, but i cannot see that i am doing anything wrong, but i am willing to take all the blame, would you come to my place for a couple of days?”. Since i have been doing some research on narcissism, i realized he does not have any empathy whatsoever and he was honest when telling me that. That was his truth, especially now that i have been devalued and removed from the pedestal. He just does not care anymore. I am sure this is not an issue with every MM, but in my case the wife was not problem at all, at leadt not in the sense I thought. For him, neither the wife is great (he told me this before) so he is desperately looking for a soul mate to fill in the cracks in his soul. However, when he stops idealising us and sees our human flows, he prefers to stick with the wife who is also imperfect but can show off to the world that he has a family. As you say, how wrongful were us to think they were our friends! He was even surprised when i once said that i still talk to some of my exes for the sake of friendship and not sex. Now I know why!
      I have been no contact, i politely said i needed a break in communication which he indiferently accepted since i am not that important anymore. But i also do struggle missing him, especialy the friendship i thought we had had. I cannot wait to reach the point when i can look back and thank my lucky star for escaping that hell, maybe on the day 70! ☺
      To all the girls, we settled for less than we deserve and this is the prize! Do read on NPD, write down the cycles of all the phases you had with them and see the things more realistically and if you were the victim of the narcissistic abuse. I hope to get to see great lessons from this experience. I am also sorry for struggling with both my private and professional life in the past year because i invested all my thoughts and energy in him. Needless to say, he didn’t give a damn about me.

    • Anonymous

      Hayley,

      Bravo to you!!!.I’m at day 100 and yes it does get lighter!!! As soon as I was feeling better. Bang zoom he reappears. Not this time babe!!!
      2019 will be our year!

  • eve

    I am a 21 year old woman who is currently in an almost ending affair with a married 43 y.o. attorney. I can’t recall how all this started, but I met him because he was a referred attorney by a friend to help me get out of this suspended license situation. I can’t recall how it all started, but I remember that I was not very happy with myself with my situation of not financing my money right and getting in trouble with the law and drinking and I would see this lawyer as my savior, so I would go for him for help and he started taking me out for coffee after our meetings. Also meetings that were unnecesary because I remember that I was in his office alone on a Saturday for three hours and he said how much he loved talking to me. and then it went to calling me everyday, and everyday for 1-3 hours on the phone and I loved the attention he was giving me because he was so handsome. It has been since March 2018 since I met him. we have slept together a couple of times but never spending the night because of his wife and kids. We would say we miss each other like almost everyday, and till now it has been 2 weeks since we have not spoke on the phone and I am starting to believe that there is another woman. we have texted but only about my court dates and case about my license. I am starting to feel confused and ignored because he has said so many sweet things to me that sounded so real over the phone. I grew up in a Christian family and currently working as an exotic dancer for now almost 3 years, so I’ve always known that I can use dancing as an escape and, he also knows I’m a dancer, and I know that I’m also his escape but help this has never happened to me. This is the first time when dancing for attention doesn’t make me feel any better. Ive never been so insecure. I’ve never been so lonely. I’ve never been so used and heartbroken. By any day now until my court date I expect one of his phone calls because he said last week that he misses talking to me and I’m scared of falling into it again. If he wasn’t my attorney for my case it would be easy to leave him but he has done 3 cases for me- one major- a DUI trial.. and he never accepted any payments from me because he said that I was already paying him even before I started sleeping with him because sleeping with him was something I wanted and he wanted also, I know that he loved the attention he was getting from me. so Im stuck because I can’t get another attorney because they will actually charge me thousands when I’m getting his legal services for free. All I want to do is heal and move on but I still have to see him and that just hurts me. I love reading the thoughts down here they make me feel better. What should I do or say to him if he calls or texts me that he misses out of nowhere like he has a million other times?!

    • Tricia

      Eve. He Is clearly taking advantage of you & your situation let he finish your case and try too several your ties with him before you really fall for him and find yourself caught up with this married men and him running in and out of your life and years pasts U by and U will be taking about I been with him for 20 years and miserable !! U are a young women with your whole life ahead of U don’t cheat yourself out of a future with a man who is available to and can give U the relationship U so deserve .Being with a married man Is a lonely, shameful journey people will always judge U and really it’s not worth it. Don’t worry about what he doing because U will never know if guilt keep him away or another woman or whatever ? Just try to better yourself and love U more !! Pray that God give U the strength and clarity to move pass all this !! Better Days …..

  • Anna

    I have been having an on and off affair with a mm for years now. I am a single woman without strong family ties and he has a way with words and he just filled a void in my life. In the beginning it was exciting but also romantic and we fell in love or so I thought. I will spare you all the details but I am just to the point now where this is no longer worth it to me. He has been honest with me that he can not/will not leave his wife. He says he is just not that kind of man and concerned about her psychologically and also about her overall health. I got outside the bubble that I live in constantly and realized how phony he is. If he were truly concerned about her, he wouldn’t have been with me all these years. He has talked to me for hours every night for the past several years and we see each other about once a week, taken trips together and meet up at his house when she isn’t there. Does any of that sound like a man who is psychologically concerned for his wife?
    I am tired of the lying, cheating, self loathing feeling when he leaves, tired of living in the shadows, the feeling of being dismissed, and feeling last. He still goes everywhere with her, they take vacations, oh and he still has sex with her “but it’s nothing like us”. I have been faithful to him for the last 2 years. They have a large extended family on both sides, 2 kids in college, a house and finances. He finally admitted to me when we were arguing that if she finds out the truth she will “kick him out” and he will have to give her the house, his retirement and he will have to pay her. It was like a kick in the gut. He doesn’t care how much I hurt as long as he and his sham of a family stay intact. Wake up call.
    So now I’m done. I haven’t gotten the guts to do no contact yet, but I’m getting to that point. The last 2 days have been spent pouring my anger out. I have so much anger. I’ve never been so angry.

    • Tricia

      Ana. I sense the frustration In U ! I know how U feel I was too the Good Mistress ‘ too so I thought ? I never asked him for nothing but If U leave me say Baby Bye And he never did he just left without a word.I felt he has children and I didn’t want to take from them I know sound stupid right ? He was honest with me I never thought he would leave his wife for me nor would I want him too .Anyway it’s been 2 months No Contact ! I miss our talks and just him being around but It came at a high cost ! Every time he left I felt bad and all kind of crazy thoughts came to my mind .In the beginning like U I wouldn’t never say nothing because I felt like U got yourself In this mess U knew better but as time went on I too expressed my true feelings but It didn’t matter to him he’ll just go home and I didn’t exist in his real world .Every time I tried to break thing’s off he wouldn’t let me and I always took him back I’m not strong yet even now I’m so thankful I don’t see him or he don’t call because I probably would go back Oh he left me after I tried to leave him and he had sex with me and I told him I ADORE HIM !! Ana U gotta let him go it’s Hard as Hell ! I so wanted to contact him over the Holiday but I didn’t. You will miss Him like CRAZY and want to Contact him because U use to him and Have Feelings for him.But the longer U stay the more Sadder U will become the more pain U will feel and U will start to feel Jealousy of his wife because she have him .And it’s not her fault .Forgive yourself for having the affair with him ,Be Good to yourself .God knows your Heart .Ask Him for the Courage and Strength to move on . Stay Strong .

  • Mia

    Hi everyone! I have read most of your posts and they have helped me so much, just knowing that I’m not the only one that is going through this, I decided to post because my anxiety is getting really bad to the point that I fantasize of dying one way or another just so I can stop feeling this bad. I was with MM for almost 2 years, we had to separate because he moved very far away with his wife (no children) at first, we were trying to make it work long distance but then every time they posted a picture on social media I would be a disaster and eventually he said it was too much. I just feel so helpless because since the beggining right after he knew he had me he was awful to me, he used to go to my apartment and right after sex he always said he had to leave, there were always signs but every time I tried to leave him he cried, yes tears and everything, and every time I went back. I put soo much effort, money, time in this “relationship”, I went all out for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, and he gave his bare minimum, so why do I miss him so much? His excuse for not leaving his wife was that she needed him financially and now is that they are living in a place where they have no else but each other. I just feel like such a loser because even though I know that he only used me (it was pretty obvious) and that he isn’t even trying to get back together I feel this incredible need to know about him, to hear from him. Before he left he said that when his wife got a stable job and a stable life he would tell her so we could be together, he said it would be two years tops, overtime (they left in July 2018) two years became 3 and then it became unknown, that’s when I flipped and cried and made a fool of myself over the phone to the point where he hung up on me. That was over two months ago,barely made it through the holidays, but two days ago I found out that his father passed away and felt that I needed to text him, he was nice, asked about how I was and said he would keep in touch. So now I’m just checking my phone 24/7 to see if he writes. And I feel like I just went back to day one when I missed an entire week off work because I couldn’t get out of bed. Do you guys think this is normal? Another thing is that MM could not spend a dime without his wife finding out so I paid for everything, meals, hotels, trips. It is so beyond me how someone could overlook all of this and just leave me behind like this.

    • Kelly

      Hi Mia,
      I totally feel for you. We’re all on here because we’re going through the same thing. It is not easy at all and I’m sure plenty of us have looked for a way out and thought about just endiy it all. But believe me this is not the answer, he is not worth your life, do you think he’d feel guilty if you did this, I think probably not. .we are all strong beautiful woman that have taken a wrong turn and fell in love or in my case lust with a MM.. try not to look at any social media and I’ve found the best thing is to listen to uplifting music nothing sad.. it helps me a lot.. I know you feel like your stomach and heart are aching but remember time will help, look after yourself and then in time a gorgeous man worthy of your love will come along and love you more than you will ever know, and he will treat you like a princess and Certainly pay his way. This other man just wanted his cake and eat it, like all the MM… keep in contact with this site and let us know how it goes. I’m still trying to end things with my Mm, but he’s like a drug that I can’t give up.. but I am trying. Lots of love. Kelly

  • Lynx

    Hi, so this is my first time actually using this site. I actually don’t know where to start. I’ve met this man a year ago through my best friend and her boyfriend I guess in a way the boyfriend was related to this man and we hung out a few times he told me he was married and didn’t love his wife, supposedly they married for legal purposes but he gave her two kids he must have obviously loved her at one point or maybe still loves her now. But I stopped talking to him for maybe 5-7 months I deleted his number got rid of everything that may remind me of him because I thought maybe he was using me for sex but I never gave him anything of any type I couldn’t stand to be the reason for someone to end there marriage or cause someone else pain because I decided to be selfish/develop feeling for someone I shouldn’t. Recently he got my number again and of course I replied because he is a great guy and I still like him but I just didn’t want to admit I still had feelings for him but we’ve hung out multiple times these past few weeks and gosh it was the best thing in the world I enjoy my time with him he keeps telling me he’s unhappy and he says he going to leave her but when? When will this happen? I know divorce is a process and that there are kids envoled but what about me? Why tell me all these things when you kicked her out but yet let her back into the house. You tell your wife you don’t love her anymore but the moment you let her go, you let her back into everything you tried to get rid of. Im probably the most stupid of them because I told him I love him and all he did was smile or smirked or whatever you want to call it. But it’s my fault, I should’ve known he has kids with her which means I stand no chance I should’ve never talked to him but I love him and just trying to leave him makes me sad and recently all I do is cry thinking about leaving him and I know sooner or later everything will explode in my face because his wife doesn’t deserve this he probably still loves her and just probably wants me on the side so he can have something that he won’t be able to ever have because I wouldn’t sleep with him I’m probably a challenge for him to accomplish. I guess in a way I deserve this I shouldn’t have expected him to leave her to be with me because what man would leave his wife and kids to be with a women you probably don’t even love

  • Young and Confused

    I haven’t visited this site for awhile but I’m feeling the need to vent! My current boyfriend (he’s 20 years old, I’m 21) has always been suspicious of my ex-MM (40 years old).. Ex-MM owns his own gym and he would always train me for free. In addition, I would stick around after my session for some one-on-one time. I met my current boyfriend right around the time all of that was going on. Of course I was very open with him and told him that I was attending this gym for free in exchange for an iPad I gave ex-MM to use at the gym (true story).. he caught on that I was spending well over an hour there each time which was kinda suspicious because most training sessions don’t last that long. He would also see snapchats show up on my phone from ex-MM. As soon as my boyfriend and I started dating I stopped sleeping with MM, however, I still attended his gym. On October 25th I randomly decided to go no-contact with ex-MM. Since then he has left me voicemails, sent emails to my school account, visited me at work, and I’m sure he drives by my house multiple times a week to see if I’m home (he previously told me that he did this often). I now have several security cameras all over the outside of my house to prevent him from coming to the front door/peeking through my bedroom window. Last night I was laying in bed with my boyfriend and he asked why I don’t go to that gym anymore.. I immediately got really nervous and defensive. I told him my free sessions expired but then he went on and said something like, “oh sure, I’m catching on to you. I bet you’ve been giving him favors for free training.. I’m not stupid you even told me he’s been having problems with his wife”. Yikes.. how on earth did he know??? I attempted to play it off cool and the conversation eventually ended. If anybody is still reading my rant, do you think I should confess everything to my boyfriend and beg for his forgiveness? In my defense, I never cheated on him since we’ve been dating and I’m not ever planning on it. But if I tell the truth he might think I’ll cheat on him in the future or that I’m disgusting for sleeping with a man sooo much older than me.. however, I think I would feel much more relieved to not keep such a big secret. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

    • Tricia

      Young &Confused . Well my advice is No don’t tell him !! Girl men don’t forget or forgive easily they will hold stuff over your head forever !!! Regardless of what they say !!! And plus he will think less of know matter what U say to him ! And he probably already don’t trust U because U told to much on yourself already . Once u deal with a married men ppl always think U are Hoe or Homewreaker ppl start to pre judge U before they know the story . Never tell a new men about past relationship because little do U know U sharing with him just what U deal with when U are in a relationship and he will try U because he feel welll U let the last man treat U this way !! I speak from experience. I wish U all the Best !!!!

  • Mimi

    After nearly a year, and his wife leaving him (not because of the affair), my MM, who professed love every day, called me his “soulmate, etc., introduced me to his son. He brought me to his house, cooked for me and introduced me to one of his sweet children. He had plans to introduce me to another one, and to also have me meet several friends whom he had already told about me, or so he said. He showed me around his house because he “planned to have me there more often.” And then, 4 days after introducing me to his child, he broke up with me. He asked to be “friends” and said that, with his wife leaving and their plan to divorce, “I see all these options in front of me that I cannot ignore.” Within 2 weeks, he said he had “met someone” new. I am also married, and didn’t intend to leave for him, but I am, nonetheless, devastated. That was 2 months ago.

    • Tricia

      Mimi. Married men never really end up being with the mistress after a divorce the relationship is not their reality . U cannot have a real relationship based on betrayal and lies because it didn’t start off right . Your married man was in a fastasy world with you and things started to look real to him he backed out he just want to enjoy the single life and honestly didn’t see a real future with you. I hope u find the strength and clarity to try to move on ! Stay Strong .

  • Mimi

    After nearly a year, and his wife leaving (not because of the affair), my MM took me to his home to meet his son. I didn’t want to – I am married myself and was not intending to leave – he introduced me to this sweet child. He cooked for me in his kitchen. Showed me “around” because he “planned on me being there in the future”. This is how intense he had become in the fantasy. “Love” was something we constantly said. Texting every day for nearly a year, mostly entire days. And then, 4 days after introducing me to his son, he sends a text, “can we be friends? I now see all of these opportunities in front of me that I cannot ignore.” To say I am confused and brokenhearted and angry is an understatement.

  • New Year New Me

    First and foremost I want to thank all of you ladies for this platform and sharing your stories. It has guided me through some of the toughest times. Long story as short as possible….I was married to a man who was having an affair on me. I got 2 beautiful kids out of it. I couldn’t stand the lies and manipulation so I got out. Well then I decided to stick myself in fire by falling in love with a married man. We sat right next to each other at work so we became very close. He was the pick me up through my divorce. We didn’t start our affair until we didn’t work together anymore (luckily!). I don’t know how some you do it working together. It has gone on for a year and half too long. Like many of you-we have gone on trips together, I’ve heard he’s going to leave her, we go through the roller coaster of not being able to do it and then we fall back. It’s exhausting to say the least. It has now gotten to the point where it is driving me to be a person I’m not. The constant racing thoughts and frequent crying is just too much. My heart breaks for all of you going through this. I firmly believe no contact is the best way. None of it is easy. There no easy ending. But your happiness needs to come first!!! Happy new year to you all and I hope you start it right for your sake! Keep your head up! You deserve better!

    • ANONYMOUS

      New year, new me. I too was married. I started a relationship with a married man, after my divorce. only because I didn’t want to have any strings attached. I’m still seeing him. His wife divorced him, not because of me but now he’s throwing shade like he wants out of the affair. He is also seeing another woman at work. She is alot younger than me.
      Any advice will be greatly appreachiated.
      It’s been a few months since we started dating though I really didn’t expect things to happen so fast.
      Now at work sometimes it’s like he don’t know me. It really hurts.

  • broken hearted...

    big hugs to all, praying for a good 2019 new year for all of us broken hearted mistress’s. My Ex-MM is gone forever from my life. he deleted me like I never existed, its time to move on. hugs to all.

  • K

    Been 2 weeks since I ended things with MM.
    He lives across the street from me.

    I feel so free now that I’ve started to detach myself from him. I asked God to help me see the situation for what t really was and all I know is that we accept the love we think we deserve. The truth is that we are awesome women, that what attracts them to us. But I believed this was better than nothing, that I would never find a passion so deep. But it’s all just emotions deceiving us. The best we can possibly do is not settle for a man that’s not available. I think for me, I need to deal with my own issues that made me grow attached to someone who couldn’t commit to me.

    I am happy !
    He lives across the street from me and has contacted me again but I said “ honestly, I don’t want to get back on this crazy ride.”

    He isn’t going to leave his wife.
    No matter how much they say they care,
    They won’t put their feet where their mouths are.

    You are worth more.
    Embrace the loneliness.
    Grow from the depths of sorrow
    These men don’t care ,
    They love the ride !
    Never intend on buying the car.

    Love you ladies.
    I pray we all see the truth and become free.
    I never want to become so entangled in something so destructive to my self worth and soul again.

    Keep praying.

    • Anonymous38

      You hit the nail right on head…I was wondering why am I so attached…why is it so hard to let go!! Im asking God what is it?!?! WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE!! WOW…so true…

      We need to work on loving ourselves in 2019…cuz once we love ourselves…we would never accept crumbs…

      • K

        Amen sister !!

        It’s hard to face the truth that if there wasn’t a void in us, we would never allow them the opportunity to fill it.

        I’ve grown so much from when I first started with mm. Now I let my thoughts entertain the idea when I get bored to call him but quickly another thought comes in..” you’ve made it out this far, you really gonna lock yourself back up in this mental prison?”

        Loneliness is one heck of a thing.
        Can make the best woman make the worst decisions.

        For me, right now, being alone is better than getting back in this endless cycle of mental warfare. I still think about him… I still look out my blind when he comes home. But I can’t get back on that illusion because now my mind has become stained with the truth. He doesn’t love me the way I deserve. I just don’t have time to waste in my life anymore building something that will never come to completion.

        Love and light 💡💛

  • Sarah

    To all the ladies who work with their MM – it was my last day at work today, i finally left. Although it was hard, i’m glad i did it. I doubt its the last i’ll hear from him but i just hope i remain strong and that not seeing him everyday helps me to get over him. Will keep you updated on whether leaving your job helps in this situation! Happy new year x

  • Anonymous38

    Its christmas…Im feeling emotional and jealous…scrolling through my news feed on Instagram…alot of families posting matching pajama pics by the tree…also my ex-mm wife posted as well…they look so perfect…all the families look perfect…when will it be my turn…sigh…

    • Julie

      Remember that people put all that effort into Xmas photos just to show the world how perfect they are. But we all know it’s not real. And you know, at least in your MMs case, that they are not a happy family. The husband running around with others does not make a perfect husband or a perfect family. So don’t let those photos depress you into thinking your life is any less than his. You’ve been saved from dealing with a man who finds it okay to sleep with two women at the same time, and when he can’t manage both he goes for the easier/safer option – back to the comforts of home. The grass is NOT greener on the other side.

    • Tricia

      Anonymous 38 . I read your story about your Ex Mm being your first . First we all make mistakes nobody perfect but remember A Rose Is still A Rose Sweetie ! Don’t let this Married Man experience make U feel less then who God made U to be Beautiful In His Eyes ! U are a young & vabriant woman and U will recover from this experience and love again and know how a first love really Is . Stay 💪

  • ANONYMOUS

    Anonymous 38. I REALLY feel if for you, God knows! Imagine he was your first. That selfish man took advantage of you!. I’m at a lost for words right now babe🤗🤗🤗
    He knew the relationship wasn’t going anywhere, yet he chose to be your first. I’m sure you told him that it was your first time.
    You know what, you can’t cry over spilled milk! A rouge will always be a rogue!!. This can only make you stronger. Stay blessed!

    Merry xmas! I pray you bring in the new year with the people you love and loves you back. You deserve it.

    • JJ

      He was at my house one night. She kept calling him. I told him he should go and he did. I don’t know what happened when he got home but she called me crying. I don’t know if he told her about me or she looked at his messages.

  • JJ

    Just ended an affair with a mm a few weeks ago. It ended because his wife found out. I know I’m a terrible person and I even told her how terrible I felt about it when she confronted me about it. I miss him like crazy. During the affair, I was a priority. He would spend all his free time with me. Even if he was exhausted from a double shift at work, he would come to my house for a few hours. We only had sex once. We mostly talked, laughed and kissed. Thats what I miss the most. He opened up to me and I opened up to him. Terrible situation I let myself get caught up in. I want to move on and live a self-loathing free life. I have asked God to forgive me. What I am grateful for are my non-judgmental friends. I think I’m still alive because of them.

  • Tricia

    How to avoid your Ex Mm at work . [1] Don’t look or Stare at him . With your loving Baby Come to Me Eyes .[2] Ignore him at all cost ! [3] Don’t be alone with him especially closed area ! [4] Don’t go out with friends who U know go out with him after work .Talking about I didn’t know he hang out with them really ? [5] Don’t go having a work meal with him .[6] Don’t play the Oh we can be friends catch up card No .[7] Don’t let him get close enough to U ! To breath all on your neck and rub your body ! Talking about it was just a accident really ? [8] Don’t accept No ride home from him talking about him was my only option really ? [7] Don’t get close to him either because they always smell Good ladies and u will start thinking about romance and how U can get a little .[8] Try not to go on Business Trips with him because U know what’s going to happen . [9] Keep it moving don’t look like your waiting for him to say something to U Oh they love that to. Now If all this seem to hard for U think of all the lies he told U and the disappearing acts and him Standing U up sometimes and Oh yeah I love my WIFE or I’m not having sex with her but I just Cannot leave for whatever Damn reason ! Think about all your lonely nights and days and him giving U the same gifts he Gives his wife too ! Think about when he ignores your calls and texts ! Think about him F other woman because chance are we aren’t their only mistress or lover ! And finally think about him at home with his wife and children laughing watching T.V together and making love to his wife while your alone thinking of him ! Ladies these men are full of shit ! And if U meet a man and he to sweet and nice U Better wonder if it’s Damn Good !! We all care about these men but they are not worth the love and devotion we have for them . Stay Strong and Blessed !!

    • Just got carried away

      Do you sit with him and how long has the affair Been going on ? It’s hard but you have to try and avoid him and not get into any work emails ! I ignored mine as he gave me the silent treatment over jealously and expected me to chase him but not this time so he emailed me stuff about work but could have not

  • K

    Update *

    MM who lives across the street from me went out of town to work the winter storm. I thought, this is the perfect opportunity to make my escape. I changed my phone number and didn’t speak to him for a week. I deactivated all my social media so he couldn’t contact me. Yesterday I saw him come home. It’s so hard knowing he’s right across the street from me. (He works here during the week and goes home on weekends. I was worried about him all week being out in the storm. I couldn’t resist I needed to say goodbye and end things in a way I felt at peace (or maybe I’m just a crack addict and I needed my fix of him one more time) anyways he came over and told me he has fallen in love with me and he doesn’t know what to do. I know he’s falling in the idea of love with me because it’s not real. He says I make him question everything he wants in life. Please tell me your stories that your mm said the same thing and how he acted afterwards. It’s odd because we have only been intimate once. He says it’s far more than sex and that if that’s all he wanted he would of left. The people in my life now know about my affair and they are disappointed in me, wondering how I could ever let this happen. No one on his side knows about it. If shame and guilt could of kept me away…. I would of. I’ve prayed and prayed but I’m so weak when it comes to him. It’s hard to have no contact when he lives right there across from me. I don’t really have the option to move so I’m trying to figure out how to navigate this where it’s no hard feelings but we both can move on with our lives.

    Any advice or kind words of understanding would be greatly appreciated.

    I know that I am in this just as much as he is, so the blame lies on me too. The hard part is that I know that he is a good person. But he too is lonely and looking for the same companionship I seek. It’s a sick sick cycle and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Once your plugged into these men, it’s a vicious fight trying to get free.

    People don’t understand. But you girls understand. We are bonded through our emotional prison that we find ourselves in. The hold that these relationships have on us is relentless to give up. Even when we don’t contact them , we are thinking of them, wondering if they are thinking of us too. It’s a war that’s hard to win once you have let someone in so much.

    Just the simple fact that there are women out there who understand what I am going through and don’t judge me….. I’m thankful.

    • Julie

      K – I feel you. I don’t know how I would resist if my MM was that close to me. Thank god he is thousands of miles away. Yet his hold on me is not any less. I am okay and can survive if he doesn’t contact me but when he does I have not been able to resist falling back into the trap. So I know how you feel. But I don’t have much to say except that when you really want to end it, you will know how. Till then it’s a struggle between the body, mind and soul. Take care

      • K

        Today we both agreed to walk away peacefully and on a positive note. No drama or big fight. I hope this stays on the right track. I’m at peace with it since we both agreed to go our separate ways.
        I hope he will respect my wishes and not contact me anymore.

    • Tricia

      K. Honey U got a real delimma ! Ask god to give U clarity and the strength to walk away when the time comes . Hopefully he will move and that might give U some relief. 🙏🏾

      • K

        Thank you girl!

        He slept over last night and this morning we agreed to go our separate ways and to move on. I believe and hope that he will respect my wishes and also that I am strong and will not cave in. We have never agreed to walk away so perhaps I am really done this time. I really want to be . I want to have a normal relationship that doesn’t involve so much shame and guilt and frustration.

        Much love sis 💛

        • Tricia

          K . Girl good luck did that 2 months ago me and my ExMm slept together only I didn’t know it was going to be the last time !! But I miss him I know him leaving hurt like hell but deep down Inside it was for the best . I drove past his office wanting to cry “Oh did I tell it’s up the street where I live ! I wanted to wish him a Happy Holiday . But I’m leave it alone somedays I just don’t know what to do with myself if I knew what the future held looking back I would’ve never got involved with him . K Stay strong sister .

  • Tricia

    Anonymous. I’m hanging In there I still think about him all the time thou but I’m so tired of wanting him and wanting a phone call I give Up !! I knew he was married he never lied to me nor ever disrespected his wife to me we never talked about his wife but once early on in our relationship so I don’t blame him or hate him because yes I did allow this affair but when we first met he came on very strong he use to come over my house several time we talk and I would turn him away he talked about trips and everything . Eventually he became a good friend or Ear when I need to vent or talk as I was going through so much back then and I was lonely my Ex wasn’t treating me right .I wasn’t intimate with my Mm until 2 after we first met I never really truly thought he wanted a full affair just sex over time my feelings deepen for him I thought I couldn’t handle my feelings for him but I can’t and he know so I think that’s is why he slowly leave because he don’t want thing’s to get out of hand? I have no ill will toward his wife nor do I have a desire to try to replace her I know the deal I just wanted his attention sometimes. My point is yes most of us know the man Is married but these men to me Prey and take advantage of weak and vulnerable women who desperately seek love and attention and when U are In a dark place In your life and someone gives U what U so desperately crave your mind say No this Is not right but your body say otherwise .The temptation Is very hard especially when there Is a strong sexually chemistry between U two so what most of us think we love him It’s probably just lust ? Most of us just find ourselves caught up into something we never thought we would be In so we got to find ourselves again and try to get untangled from this married men situation because we really didn’t know the reality of what we got ourselves into. But ladies forgive yourself God knows your Heart and He already Forgave U .Anonymous Stay Strong and Thank You !

    • ANONYMOUS

      Hi Tricia. Glad to know that you’re still “hanging in there” You go girl!
      Well see she’s too far away for me to put a restraining order against her. He’s the only person I can call to tell her to stop calling, and i’m not going to do that, because that’ll be opening up that door for him to come back into my life! hell no!
      Let me share with you how I met my MM. I’m going to try to make a long story short!.

      We met while I was in Jamaica, doing a photoshoot. He was on the beach, while I was doing my shoot. After the shoot he came up to me and struck up a conversation. Shortly after I told him that we had to head back to the hotel. I got on the bus, we went our separate ways.

      The following day there was a knock on the hotel door one of the girls got up to answer it then she said “why is the police at our room door? She asked though the door if there is a problem and I heard a voice saying “No I’m here to see Kay” she then looked through the peephole and said “Oh that’s the dude from the beach!”.
      I never told him which hotel I was staying at so I quickly asked how did he find Me?
      His reply was ” I’m a police so I know everything” I replied asking ” really, then why is it so much crime here, if you knows everyhing, then you should know when and where they’ll be at” we both laughed. He then asked if I could leave the hotel and go out with him. Now, I did not know him from a hole in the wall so of course I declined. We chatted, outside the hotel door for over an hour then he left. I did not give him my number, he didn’t ask for it either.
      We left Jamaica 2 days later. 2 months after he came to my Island to work, as a police officer, which he did tell me that he was in the process of moving to my Island.

      He found out where I lived, on island because he showed up at my door, he told me things about me, so I knew he done his “homework” This time he asked for my number and for me to go out on a date with him. We went out on several dates then things got serious. I thought that it was a promising “relationship” I moved into his apartment with him. This man treated me like a queen! He would cook and bring food to the bed room, give me the best massages, iron my clothes, pop up at my job just to kiss and tell me that he’s in love with me. He even went overseas with me to do my photoshoots because he was afraid that someone would see me a like me. This man even washed my underwears! He would go the the supermarket and purchase my sanitary pads. I mean I didn’t have to wait for Valentine’s day to come for him to treat me.
      I went back to Jamaica with him……..to meet his entire family. Not one of them had the audacity to pull me aside to inform me that he was married. Imagine that!. I found out from his coworker, who’s also Jamaican but at that time I was head over heels for him!. He’s a very deceptive man.
      I confronted him, to which he replied I never asked and he did not think it was necessary to say because the marriage was “on the rocks”. Right then and there I realized that he took my choices away from me! I was frauting like alka seltzer at this point!. not to mention the emotions that I was feeling. I immediately packed my belongings and moved back home. Did I continue to see him? I sure did! But I gave him the cold shoulder for a couple of days. After I calmed down we had a conversation, and until this day in not sure if what he told me was the truth! but I can only say what he told me! He said at that time, they’ve been living apart for 4 years, She’s been living in NYC from 2010 to present and he married her in 2003. He went on to say that he loves his wife very much, as she is the mother of his child, but he’s in love with me. He said he liked that I don’t go through his phone, I would invite him places, and would say or do “stupid” things to make him laugh. He said there’s something about my eyes when I’m upset just turns him on.. I continued to see him for 7 months!.

      We all deal with betrayal differently, for me I worked overtime and spent more time with my family. Until today they don’t know the reason we broke up. I’m too ashamed to tell them.

      • Tricia

        Anonymous. I forgot to ask u how long has it’s been since U and your Ex Mm been apart ? I bet U mesmerizied him Girl !! U make me wanna slap my Ex Mm down !!! 😜

        • ANONYMOUS

          Tricia. The 28th of this month will be 5 months since I broke it off with him.
          Truth be told he really don’t try to contact me directly. He told me that he is sorry and knows that I deserves to be happy.
          Don’t entertain the thought of slapping your ex MM, that’s giving him way too much control over your life!. Just avoid the low-life even if he tries to contact you!
          There’s ALWAYS better for us out there! we are ALL GREAT BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, who can and WILL get better. Why? because we are like a great tasting bottle of wine, the older we get, the sweeter we become!.
          I love the fact that he is thousands of miles away.
          Time is longer than rope, their day will catch up on them.
          In closing for all those who are still sleeping with a MM please protect yourself because if he’s cheating with you, he’ll cheat on you.
          When I think of how I gave my body to him so freely, not knowing he was married I am truly thankful that I did not contract anything from him… can you believe he never ever left to go overseas his wife neither did she visit him, Which is so strange to me. I mean I can’t recall her calling either, It’s either one of two things: he had another phone that I didn’t know about or he called her when he was at work. After all he was working shifts. Very seldom he would come home late! For example when his shift ended at 3pm he would be home with in 15 minutes. Then again he would be off for 4 days straight, while I was at work. He must’ve called her then but never have I heard him talking to her bcuause i’m certian that at some point in their conversation he wpuld tell her he love her. I knew the password to his phone and he knew mines. Honestly, I rate him to the max because he made sure to cross his T’s and dot his I’s . I’m telling you, he is the best there is. This man gives the word cheater a whole new meaning! He really took me for a ride. But I dont hate him I thank him for making me see the reality of life and because of him I have a new approach on life. I am only 28 years old, with a lot more to learn.
          Stay strong!

      • anonymous

        wow…anonymous…your situation is deep…you met his family!?!? thats serious…my ex-MM also met my family….smh…dont know what to say about these married that go so deep with their mistresses….Did they really love us? Do they still love us? who knows!
        my ex-MM would refer to my mom has mother in-law…they would sit and just chat while I would be doing other things around the house…if his wife only knew how serious my relationship was with her husband she would divorce him…it wasnt just physical…I think thats why it was so hard for me to let him go…but now IM DONE!!!

        • ANONYMOUS

          Yep, I meant his entire family! His sister still calls me her sister-in-law. They made it abundantly clear that they do not care for his wife, because she disrespected his mother by slapping her in the face and calling her a b**ch.
          The thing is I still communicates with his mother and sisters, under the condition that we do not talk about him and they respect that!.
          I told him that some day, someone will do his daughter the same thing he done to me! It’s called karma!.
          His mother invited me to Jamaica for a family reunion but in all honesty I don’t see where I will fit in. To me, that’s disrespect to his wife, although neither him or her will be there. But in this case, further distance better friends.
          Did your mother know that he was married? If she did, did she condemn or condone?.
          Not judging just asking.

          • Anonymous38

            No my mother didnt know he was married at first…but after a while..I did tell her that he’s involved with someone else…she never judged..but she never wants to hear his name EVER AGAIN!!! she doesnt like him after I told her that…

            I read one of your post about using protection…he and I stopped using after 6 to 8 months…he can trust me..but Im sure I cant trust him…

            Btw he was my first and only…

    • Tricia

      Anonymous. Your story is heartbreaking ! He represented his self like he was available know he wasn’t he totally was wrong he deceived U and by the time he decided to tell the truth it was to late 😪. Now u got wife harassing U poor girl please don’t this experience ruin your other relationship with men In the future . I hope everything work out for U ! Stay Blessed !

  • Hayley

    It upsets me that I allowed myself to be used. It upsets me that I allowed myself to be second choice, it upsets me that I believed he was my soul mate & best friend, it upsets me that I allowed the anxiety of it all to make me a bad parent, it upsets me that I thought he was better than me, it upsets me that I let him into so much of my life, it upsets me that his life is fine and dandy without me in it, it upsets me that she thinks her husband is delightful, it upsets me that he’s respecting my wishes and not contacting me even though it’s the right thing, it upsets me that he isn’t even bothered I’m gone (probably), it upsets me that he made me weak, it upsets me that he got one over on me, BUT most of all it upsets me that even though I’m moving on I’m having massive trouble forgiving myself !! I feel so stupid & almost hate myself this week!
    I guess its probably all part of the grieving process.. anyway I Just needed a rant. Much love ladies x

    • Xxx

      Hayley, you are the strongest one here, take it as a huge compliment and motivation not to think like that. I read a lot on NPD and my mm is in every sentence of it. It made me shocked and speechless even though i recognized all the red flags. But it also made me think of my own sanity for falling into the whole drama. I am sure that your mm will reappear but can’t wait for the update how you dumped him! Much love!

  • ANONYMOUS

    Come on ladies, I’m not going to sugarcoat this for anyone I’m going to lay it down straight for us all.
    While we’re here sharing all our emotions, myself included. I refuse to pull the “victim” card any longer! The real victims here are their wives and kids! NOT US!!! These are not our personal men and the majority of the time we knew these were married men and “we” still chose to date them! I knew from the beginning that mines had a wife, but that was not my business all I wanted was him… We need to assume our fair share of the responsibilities.
    No matter how much they wine, dine and grind us, at the end of the day they are going back home to their wife and kids!. we put ourselves in this position. I think I’m correct by saying that hardly anyone or no one knew that we were seeing a MM.
    Now that we decided that we want to move on, in separate directions from these MM, for whatever reasons, it’s really not right for us to bash their wives in no way shape or form! We need to remember that “she’s the wife and we are just the “side chicks” who the MM guy friends looks at and says to him “I wouldn’t mind a piece of her” and they’ll both laugh!.
    We have just as much blame here as the MM!. So if a wife want to express her emotions through IG leave her, there’s really no need to comment on that, she have feelings too and again she’s the wife, we express ours this and they can do the same what ever way they chose!. no matter what he tells you, the wife “runs the show”!.
    Can anyone reply and tell me if a MM have ever left their wife for any of us? Because I’m still waiting for my MM to leave his wife for me. It’s NOT going to happen!. He will tell you that she’s the most hateful person in the world and that she don’t or can’t sex him good when in reality all he wants is a thrill because he can’t even sleep over. But HE IS NOT GOING TO LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR ANY OF US! To them, their wives are rare treasure that’s why we are kept hidden like fools. They are afraid to lose what they have at home! To them we are just sex partners. So don’t make him tell you otherwise, because mouth can say anything, when you learn to talk!.
    I know a lot of you will respond with negitave remarks but at the end of the day it is what it is we are part blame here!
    Who here would really want to be the “wife” position? Let’s be honest.
    We are the ones who lost here, not the wives!. I gave up 5 years of my life, that I can’t get back, for a MM. So 13 years is so long it’s like you guys were married. But you WILL GET OVER HIM!!! I decided to end it off because I realized that I was not his priority I was just a mare option, a good sex partner, someone he could’ve lay his problems on, his fool, someone he had to hide and the list goes on. You ladies know how that goes. So let’s be strong wake up and tell yourself YOU ARE WORTH MUCH MUCH MORE THAN ALL OF THE ABOVE. No one can do that for you only you!
    And remember ONLY BOYS CHEAT! REAL MEN CHERISH, ADORE AND RESPECT THEIR WIVES!
    While I know and completely understands that it’s going to be hard to let go WE MUST because none of us would like to be a wife and have our husbands cheating on us.
    Trust in GOD HE will see us all through this. It’s not the end of the world!. All it is, is just “fancy touching” nothing more!..

    • Sarah

      Anonymous- i agree with this 100%. A lot of us here are always bashing the MM and making our selves sound like the victims. A lot of us have grown to hate the wives but why? What have they done to us? Just because they met, fell in love and married the MM before we got the chance doesn’t give us a right to hate them.. Yes the MM is a horrible pr**k but we’re no victims either. Like you said, we all knew he’s married yet we still chose to walk this path. In my case i keep going back even though he continuously hurts me and i’m sure a lot of you do the same. Its hard getting over them but we can’t just sit here and place all the blame on the MM, when we are also to blame.

    • Tammy

      So my story is 3yrs going but as of late the last 4 months I am unsure of how I truly feel any more n he’s actually making changes. Each time I pull away he makes a change and I am not so sure I want this wt him anymore?! I am just standing back more watching waiting because obviously actions are more than words!! It’s been off n on for over 3yrs, he does just enough to keep me in his life. Basically he’d never leave his situation if he could keep me as well but last yr he separated by moving in wt a friend after I cut off all communication. He didn’t file for divorce or get his own real place till I cut off all communication again 9 months later n he realized I wasn’t going to come around unless he was moving forward for real. Now it’s been 3 months since he filed n nothing has moved forward cause she controls him even when he has stepped out of the relationship because of the children, they have a toddler together n have been married for 5 yrs, the other 2 are hers and are 18 n 20 but he pays all their bills. He seems to think because he’s filed paper work I should be thrilled but he hasn’t pushed her to answer the divorce papers n she ignores them cause he just continues to pay everything, he hates conflict obviously n in his mind this should keep me happy n wt him even though he’s truly not free to be wt me. Ladies please get out as soon as you can n not waste any more time n certainly not yrs!! I am at the point that it’s taken so long for him to make any moves n there have been so many promises broken, he told me he was leaving over 2yrs ago!! Do I want to deal wt her n pay her bills since she refuses to work n deal wt older children that uses him for money as well? Do I trust him when he tells me he’s still working, a little part of me wonders which I hate that feeling even though he has been where he says he is but the tiny thought is still there ladies!! I love him but I am not head over heals like I was before n I hate that too! Since he’s technically still married I feel no real commitment n I have not let him into my children’s lives or my family. He’s met only a couple of friends but I am tired of not being able to tell the truth to those I love n I feel omission is the same as lying. His family does not know of me of course! Please do not do this to yourselves!! I wish I had left n not looked back because I put myself in this position!! Be strong n move on, we all deserve men that truly want us not just keep us on the side n still can’t commit to us!

  • Tricia

    Well ladies It’s been 2 months since I saw my Ex Mm and a couple of weeks since I decided to go N/C with him .I got tired of always calling him first I felt like If he wants me or care he’ll call no he haven’t !! I do miss him but I don’t think I ever loved him ? We would have sex and he go silence or disappear on me and he’s words were kind but his actions spoke for it’s self and I got tired of feeling used I always knew I deserved better but he was everything to me. Lately my mind had me thinking he just replaced me ? Maybe so but It don’t matter he’ll end up dumping her too !! I remember when my late father told me [ Tricia would U give your hard earned money away ? I said No ! And he said Treat your Body The Way U Value Your Money ! ] And I just thought Of that and I’m going to start to love myself more and Valuing myself and not putting to much thought into having a man ! I don’t know what the future holds but having a affair wasn’t a shining moment In my life . It’s a slow process ladies but I’m getting there I have my weak and lonely days but I’m Be Ok !! Stay Strong Ladies xoxo !!

  • S

    Hi, has been so nice to read all of your comments and similar stories. My MM is 22 yrs older than me and in a higher position at work. His dad has dementia and probably won’t be around much longer. Often feel like am being used as a distraction or a band aid to make him feel better after dealing with family/work shite. Says he loves me, but everything is on his terms, like when we meet, I have to accept if he isn’t free, but if I’m not free to meet, he says I’m being unsupportive. When its good its good, but when its bad, its horrible and exhausting. Don’t know what I want, or if I even want to get out of relationship. Any advice would be amazing. x

    • YoungAndConfused

      Hi S, my MM is 20 years older than me and I can relate to almost everything you said! One day something clicked inside my head and I haven’t talked to him since. I actually found myself a nice (and single) boyfriend.. this pissed off MM and I think it made him realize what it’s like to be the second option 🙂 Don’t let this man hold you back! Trust me, it’s not worth it!!

  • Katie C.

    An update as I haven’t visited in a while. Short recap: I had an intense affair with mm who ghosted me with no explanation.

    After about a month, he contacted me. I caved. It’s been up and down since. A few secret rendezvous, phone calls here and there, several texts a week. He still will sometimes go 10 days or so with no contact. He seems to do this after we’ve had sex. Guilt maybe? Idk. We talked for 48 minutes on the phone a couple of nights ago. He said things that melted my heart. I’m such a sucker for him. I love him and can’t stop myself. I have other options as there are other single pursuers But I don’t want them. I keep thinking my feelings will fizzle out, but I’m nowhere near that point. I’m working on self-love, but the more I do that, the more I seem to attract mm into my life. I don’t see him in person that much. Maybe twice a month. I may see him this weekend. I know he loves his wife of 33 years as well he should. I feel guilty, but for me he’s like being hooked on crack. I’m addicted.

    He told me he loved me a few weeks ago during one of our face to face encounters. That was a dream come true. But he went onto vanish from my life for 11 days after that and has not said those words since. But we have not been face to face since that time and we’ll probably see each other this weekend.

    I’m so conflicted. I know this is wrong, and I don’t want to hurt his family, but I love him and can’t seem to help it. Going a month with zero contact didn’t stop the feelings as they came right back the minute he called. As I said, I’m waiting for my own feelings to fizzle out or get tired of sneaking around and not being able to love him openly. Surely I’ll tire of not being #1 in his life. Surely.

    • Hayley

      Katie C – and this is why no contact needs to be forever. Those feelings will never go away whilst you are allowing the contact. Sorry but it’s the truth and yeah it hurts like a bitch but needs to be done.
      You open up contact you are agreeing to a life of a second choice mistress, if you are ok with that then fine but I don’t think any of us here are fine with it.
      It doesn’t matter what he says.. he’s keeping you hooked and his fall back girl but he will never ever change his situation even if you think he will. He’s already disrespecting you by ghosting on you. Stop having sex with him no matter what kind words he says.. that’s all they are, words. Actions is what you need and you see him very rarely. Cancel this weekend please.
      The choice is yours but I know what I chose cause it was no longer good enough for me and it shouldn’t be for you too. Also when you stick to no contact it becomes easier eventually you just have to ride it out for months first but it will get better.
      Don’t accept this arrangement. And yeah you will get to that point where you have enough like I did but I also know that I’m in danger of falling back into it at anytime and this is exactly why no contact needs to be forever.. unless he comes knocking with his divorce papers in hand that is. In the meantime I can’t continue it knowing he’s probably secretly laughing at me cause he’s managed to manipulate me into thinking that he loves me when the truth is he’s telling that exact same thing to the woman he is committed too.
      Balls to that!! Stay strong beautiful x

    • Julie

      As you say it’s just like a drug and drug addiction doesn’t fizzle out on its own. The longer you stay the deeper the addiction becomes and the harder it is to get out unharmed. 8 years and a lot of heartaches later I am still in the same place I was a year into it…no matter how sh**ty he treats me I can very easily fall again for the sweet words and empty promises. Trying to stay strong this time. Monthly hormone fluctuations don’t help!! I feel you but hope you find the strength to put yourself first.

    • Tricia

      Kate C. I know how U feel my Mm was the same way but I just got tired of the Back and Forth stuff one minute everything was all good between us [So I thought ? ] the next minute he will slowly disappear and I’ll be calling until I was like forget this I’m done he would say nice thing’s too but it wasn’t enough I’m tired of wondering just tired !! Kate U are attracting married men we U become Ok or comfortable with being the OW it’s like that sends a signal to other married men [ yeah I’m Ok with being the side chick ! ] And here come all the available men ! U are doing yourself an injustice staying with him I know it’s hard to walk away I Pray that God Give U the Strength U need to Move On Sweetie …..

  • Xxx

    Girls, I actually wanted to ask you if you believe that all those MM have some b-cluster disorder? Ive started informing myself more about manipulation and narcissism, because I discovered a pattern in my mm’s behaviour – hot and cold showers of coming around as the most loving person and then suddenly dumping me with the stickers of me being crazy, idiot and so on. This happens usually before he reunites with the wife or if there is another target around. I wasn’t lazy to sit and write down a 4 page-overview with different phases of these switches that occurred overtime. It is amazing how it works every time the same with all the ten phases I had! I had recognized all of these on time but I consciously decided not to take it more seriously because I was so indulged in his game that I couldn’t find a way out. What I learned is that those manipulators choose good looking, ambitious, inteligent and positive women as a target in order to boost their egos for having such persons in their life. They turn them into their huge and addictive fans, but since they get bored easily and need more adrenalin, they again start behaving totally opposite. I had my mm recently coming around just to check if i am still his source of admiration. I don’t know about you, but I have a sort of trauma from this whole experience and is not easy to recover. But it helps to write down all these and remind myself everyday of the reality of his manipulation whenever I get weak. Another thing, I really don’t think he loves his wife either, or any other man of this kind. It is just a safe harbour for him and his property and triumph – having family, the wife who will be there when all the others get away and to keep children with him. Because after all, they do love children. I guess we all know this, but it is still amazing for me that someone could have no regrets about the possible victims he makes on his way.

  • anonynmous38

    My ex-mm wife was also pregnant when he and I were sleeping together unprotected..he never told me…I actually saw it in a dream.One day I asked him…he said yes..imagine how she would feel if she found out he was sleeping with me while she was pregnant?!?!…and she makes their relationship to looks so perfect on social media…I wonder if she has a clue….

  • Hayley

    Sarah – omg! My MM wife was also 8 months pregnant when I left that job and I was so glad I wasn’t around for when the baby arrived and I had to hear all about it with any luck you will be gone by then.
    trust me do not give into him it is definelty for the best. And no it won’t stop him, my ex MM son is now 12 and he’s still been around.. (well he was until I kicked him to the curb) it will be a distraction for a while until his wife pays more attention to the baby than him. And well done for handing in your notice, onwards and upwards to much much better things.. leave with him the crappy nappies. Good riddance. You are doing the right thing I promise and tough if he misses you… HA!! . he doesn’t deserve you. Good luck x

    • Sarah

      Hayley – omg really!? Did your MM stop the affair after the baby was born? Or did he just continue? I hear once they have a child they just get worse.

      my MM kept it a secret until the manager blurted it out to everyone at work one day, his wife was 6 months pregnant by this point. And yes i know exactly what you mean, other colleagues keep asking him whether he’s excited about the baby coming and whether him and the wife have thought of any names yet – i have to listen to it all and that just kills me. Thats one of the reasons i’m leaving, it would just get a whole lot worse being there once the baby was born.

      Thank you. I just need to remain strong and not give in xx

    • Hayley

      Anonymous38 – download “Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri, have a strong drink, then smash the glass against the wall (yes I actually did this) then buy ‘the no contact rule’ book on your kindle. Cry a little or a lot.
      Then.. finish with a lovely hot shower, put on a little Bruno Mars, dance around your kitchen like no one is watching and finish off with some Netflix.. anything light hearted (I watched all the first series of Friends again..
      ‘Crazy ex girlfriend’ is hilarious too it became my new obsession).
      Take care of yourself.. get it out of your system.. Then say “no more”!!! and turn the attention back to you..
      It becomes easier I promise. Hang in there and be kind to yourself always always always.
      Trust me.. you can’t be lonely when you have all this to fill your time beautiful lady. You can get through this. X

  • Painfully hurt

    Hi I’m so glad I found this page. I’ve been seeing MM for a year and 3 months. We broke up with me yesterday, after being away together for 5 days. We seen each other for 6 months and he told me he wanted to be with me as he had fallen in love. I had completely fallen in love with him too. He separated from his wife for 6 months and moved into a flat. He went through couples therapy but told me it was the rooted ties and family life that was keeping them together. We speak for hours a day , and see each other as much as we can. We have been on holidays and such special times. Our physical relationship is unlike anything either of us have had. He told me he’s never shared so much of him self with anyone.

    He moved back home to try and resolve what’s going on. He says he loves her but not like the way he loves me. He said he can’t see my anymore while he’s married, and I just feel like an idiot for believing we could ever be together. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and discarded. He wants to message and talk but I feel I need to do NC. I feel sick and so so sad. He was like my best friend and I miss him so much already. I’m struggling to function and know one knows how I feel.

    • Findingmyway

      I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I think your idea to go no contact is a good one. If he keeps in contact with you you will not be able to heal and it will continue to torment you. When you are feeling horrible and missing him, renember he ssid he still loves his wife even if it is “different”. That tells you something very important. He will likely stay no matter what. This could drag on for years of misery for you as it has done for me only to find out he will never leave no matter what he says. The fact he moved out seemed encouraging but it appears the couples therapy has changed his mind in some way so there must be something he wants to salvage there.. At least he is being honest with you. But you will never be able to grieve and get over this if you stay in contact.

  • YoungAndConfused

    “..the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference; for at a minimum, to love or hate someone is to have intense emotions toward them.”

    If you continue to hate your ex-MM then I don’t think it will ever be possible to fully move on. If anybody reading this hates their MM, I challenge you to think of them as indifferent/irrelevant.

  • Hayley

    Cut contact, doing really well, roughly around 7 weeks now and not even counting (good sign) but I’ve seen his wife around 3 times in 2 weeks!! How odd!
    I’m putting it down to Christmas shopping and people being out more than usual at the moment.
    Anyway I know it’s just coincidence but needed to share it with someone.
    Oh and his wife also set up a new insta profile open to the public where she is posting pictures of her most amazing husband.
    She never found out about us but she saw some messages 14 years ago and suspected.. she also seems to know a hell of alot about me as well which I assumed he must have told her! He sweared he didn’t!! Errmmm. It would seem I was still topic of conversation in their household.
    But anyway.. I shouldnt be looking I know, I know ladies but it’s human nature right?.. he looks stupidly handsome (ggrrrr) and she looks quite pretty on the pics but it doesn’t make me feel jealous I just think it’s funny and quite sad. Also find it very odd the new profile dedicated to him and the fact I keep seeing her around!
    Just thought I would share.. otherwise ladies I’m feeling strong and better than I have in a long time.
    Life is good.
    Stay strong beautifuls x

    • Tricia

      Hayley. Your Ex Mm wife sound very insecure about her marriage to set up a page dedicated to him open to the public really ? It’s not that serious ! Everybody who know them knows their married she a mess and he made her that way . U dodge a bullet with him be Thankful . Stay Strong.

  • Sarah

    Question for all of you who met their MM at work – do you think if we left work and didn’t have to see the MM everyday the situation would get better? Is there anyone on here who this has worked for? I work with the MM and I’m contemplating quitting my job to get away from him but i feel he would still find ways to contact me

    • Christine

      Sarah, my MM is my boss. We were together for over 5 years. He broke it off with me and is now with a 27 year old girl in our office. I am 53 and so is he. He told me I was his first affair and would be his only. He is a complete fraud. I was so in love with him, I got a divorce after 20 years of marriage.

      I know it would be better for me to leave my job, but I get paid great money and it’s 2 minutes from my house. My job allows me to leave work early to go watch my son play sports. I can’t give that up. If you could leave your job, I really think you should.

      It’s been 8 months and I still cry sometimes but it is definitely for the best. He was never going to be mine.

      • Sarah

        Christine he sounds like an awful guy. I know you say you can’t leave your job but it must be horrible to have to see them both together at work all the time.

        Hayley – when did you leave and how long have you had no contact with him? yes i’ve been thinking about it all weekend, i’ve decided i’m going to hand in my resignation at work tomorrow. The only problem is that i know he’s definitely going to seek me out even after i’ve left. I just hope i don’t crumble and fall for his sh*t again.

        • Hayley

          Sarah – it was 13 years ago we worked together when we were made redundant we lost contact (I wasn’t in love with him back then) so I found it easy and for the best. I moved on, got married myself and 5 years later he reappears saying he had been looking for me since we left our jobs!!
          I’m glad we rekindled the second time though cause it gave me the strength to leave my unhappy marriage but of course he never did. I didn’t end it for him though.
          He would disappear and reappear and I always let him in.. only this last time he showed up he wasn’t going anywhere this time and I fell hard for him. Inevitable really!!
          Anyway it’s been about 7 weeks now… in fact I’m not even counting anymore.. he always said ‘we will always have unfinished business’ so yeah I’m sure he will reappear at some point but for now he is ‘respecting my wishes’
          If he does come back again though he will be met with a bolted door as he’s really hurt me this time.
          So yes, leave if you can.. I couldn’t handle working with him again. Not now. I’m glad he’s not around and it helps me to move on even though I do see his name pop up on paperwork in my office.. gggrrr but I’d rather that than his face!
          Good luck.

          • Sarah

            Hayley – Wow 13 years is a long time. Yes i don’t think this is the last you’ll hear from him, he’ll probably show up again soon just to make sure you’re not over him. I hope you continue to stay strong though and don’t let him back.

            I handed my resignation in on Monday and will be leaving at the end of this month. Since then, the MM has been glued to me at work, asking me not to leave and telling me how much he’ll miss me. Worst thing is his wife is 8 months pregnant – horrible i know! I wonder if he’ll stop once she has the baby? Deep down it breaks my heart that i’m leaving and am never going to see him again but i know this is the right move.

        • Christine

          Sarah he is a complete fraud. He tries to be friends with me, but I told him he is disgusting and I can’t look at him. It makes me so sad to think that I gave my whole heart to this man who lied to me for over 5 years. God only knows how many women he has been with. I pray to God he gets caught one day. He is a true narcissist. I have never been so hurt in my life.

          I wasn’t happy in my marriage for many years. I probably shouldn’t have even gotten married, but I do have two beautiful kids and my ex- husband are good friends. He actually confides in me about the women he dates and asks my opinion.

          It kills me to see my mm with this young girl. I warned her to be careful that he’s a liar, but she isn’t going to listen. He is a great sweet talker and lies his way out of everything.

          He has everyone on his life believing he is a great husband, father and Christian. He preaches to the kids at his church. He used to tell me God knows what’s in our heart and he will forgive us. He did Always tell me he couldn’t leave his wife because they had just adopted a 10 year old boy. He is now 16. That is the only thing he didn’t lie about.

          I just have to go to work everyday and pray for strength. He has destroyed my self esteem and Changed the person I was before this all started. I just have to keep fighting to get the real me back.

          I’m so sad at times, but o know in time I will be fine. I’m definitely better than I was a couple months ago.

          • Sarah

            Christine – don’t be friends with him he doesn’t deserve your friendship. He sounds like an absolute A-hole.

            Unfortunately i feel as long as you keep seeing him at work, the harder its going to be for you to get over him and move on.

            Times a great healer, hopefully you’ll come out of this stronger x

    • Hayley

      Sarah – I worked with him best thing that ever happened was being made redundant I managed to move on and forget all about him.
      Unfortunately he had other ideas and actively seeked me out several occasions ever since.
      Now I’m in no contact yet again (and won’t be going back again trust me) I am so glad I don’t have to see him at work.
      If you want to move on seriously move on then yes I agree you need to find another job and start a fresh away from him.

    • Confused

      Not only am I seeing a MM, he’s my boss and I’m also married. We’re great friends and professionally have overcome some very stressful hurdles together in the post couple of years. After many many months of harmless flirting, we ended up at a conference out of town together and after a few drinks, one thing led to another. We’ve spent time together a few times since then but not much as his wife keeps him to a very strict curfew! We’ve both been honest that we have no intention of leaving our spouses and children (we both have young kids) . I think about him none stop but I know this isn’t right. We have such a great working relationship (both in upper management) and neither of us could consider leaving. I don’t want it to end but I know it’s wrong and hate sitting by just wondering if he’ll have a a few free minutes to be with me ( the answer is usually no, of course). When I think about my husband I feel terrible. He’s a great man and loves me emensly but there just isn’t a spark. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been married almost 15 years and never been unfaithful.

      • Pink Puppy

        Confused- Be very careful you’ve been married for almost 15 years and you said it’s no spark, in your marriage well that could be caused by two things it’s either because he probably knows about your affair or he’s also having an affair.. look deep! I’m telling you this because it happened to my neighbour she was having an affair and also taught that her husband was too much in love with her that he would not cheat. You could imagine the disappointment and hurt she felt and is still feeling when she found out her husband was having an affair. He even took his mistress overseas with him on several occasions.

      • Regrets

        To confused how do you manage to see him and work with him ? Don’t you think it’s going to end in tears ? As its only a few months it’s all fun! Wait till its longer then it won’t be as much fun. Do you think he has had a affair before and I find it strange that his wife keeps him to a curfew is that because she doesn’t trust him do you think ?

    • Confused

      Still working with (for) my mm. Still a new affair (few months) we’re both married and confused about this whole thing. Makes things very awkward.

  • HB

    I’ve been reading everyones stories. Many of you like myself have tried getting out of this affair but somehow keep finding ourselves falling back into it again. I wonder – is it possible to ever truly get over the MM? Will we ever go on to fall in love with someone else ? Or will we forever pine over someone who will never be ours? Just wondering if there are any women on here who are over their affairs and have now found love.

    • Findingmyway

      HB yes I think many do. They just don’t seek out these forums any more once they have truly moved on. We are all here because many of us are still struggling and need support. But I think once someone feels better and can move on they don’t typically come back here. It’s a part of getting over this and healing. We will all get there.

      • HB

        Findingmyway – yes you’re right. I just hope we can all reach that place some day, where we’re happy and in love with an available man and can move on from this forum.

    • Julie

      I’ve taken the plunge and started dating. Using online apps. At first it was just for the distraction. But after going on a few dates I’ve realized I can actually develop feelings for someone else. I can be attracted to another man and that men can also be attracted to me. It’s actually quite an eye opener. While I haven’t met someone I want to see regularly it’s been the best thing for me. The MM is no longer the center of all my attention. It’s been two months now and I still think of him everyday but I have no urge to return to him. This is the first ever in all the 8 years of being on and off. There is hope for us after all! Stay strong

      • Findingmyway

        Good for you! I think it is awesome that you are doing this. Shows you that the married poor excuse for a man is not the only guy out there.

  • Depression

    Why are we suffering but they are till happily with their marriage and family as if nothing happened? Their wife are not aware of their affair outside. I felt so unfair and angry when thinking he still stay happily with his family and wife.

    • Tricia

      Depressed. U say that the married man Is Happy ? Who’s know what really go’s on In a marriage ? Married people never tell on each other and we don’t know what go on behind closed doors ? Just because U see a picture on social media don’t mean it is Marital Bliss that’s what they won’t U to think ! Just because a man stay with his wife don’t mean he always love her sometimes It’s just cheaper to keep her and his Reputation and status and Imagine as a Good Up Standing Family Man. And we don’t know what the wife knows or don’t or If she happy with him ? She probably can’t stand his Ass and cheating On him too ? Stay Strong Big Hugs !! Because this too shall pass…

    • Julie

      If they were so happy in their marriage we would have never been in the picture. He will revert back to his cheating ways when things settle down for him. That’s been my experience. We just have to make sure it’s not us they can come back to. Stay strong and dont waste your energy thinking about the loser.

    • Findingmyway

      They aren’t happy. They can’t deal with their own problems in their marriage so they took the easy route and sought a relationship outside their marriage to make themselves feel better instead of addressing their problems head on by working on their marriage or working on ending it. Don’t buy what you see on social media either if you’ve been looking. I’ve noticed that some of my friends that are experiencing problems in their personal relationships tend to post pictures and messages about a perfect life with their spouse. It always makes me cringe because I know what is really going on. I think they are trying to cover up what is happening or doing it to try to convince themselves everything is ok. I think people in secure and happy relationships don’t feel the need to engage in that kind of online proclamations of how awesome their marriage is. He will live his own little misery. Who knows what his wife knows. She is likely in denial. Or he may be an awesome liar and she is truly clueless as to what a horrible douchebag she is married to. Forget all that. YOU are free now to heal and build the love and life you want. Feel sorry for anyone stuck with him. He is no prize. No one who does this is happy in his marriage or happy with himself. He is a damaged person who is a terrible partner, husband, boyfriend. Don’t believe the facade.

      • H

        I agree. My MM’s wife is always posting on instagram pictures of all the extravagent expensive gifts he buys her. She’s always gushing about what an amazing husband he is. All the while he’s having an affair. I’ve asked him a number of times whether he’s cheating because he’s unhappy in his marriage. His reponse has always been ‘i’m happy in my marriage but i don’t know why i’m doing this.’ If he was really happy, would he be cheating?

        • Findingmyway

          Someone who would do this and is happy in their marriage is a scary person. He might be a narcissist. Or psycho. Deeply selfish. Definitely someone to get the hell away from.

      • PeggySue

        AMEN to this! I realized this a long time ago – what they post on social media is what they want to the world to see. I have friends who do the same (post how “blessed” and “grateful” they are, and I know what’s really going on). Men rarely initiate divorce and they are ‘happy enough’ to remain married, but are thrilled if they can have someone on the side. It won’t be me ever again.
        Stay strong ladies!

  • Dee

    My husband passed last year after a 3 1/2 year agonizing illness. We were married for 40 years. I prepared for his death, I knew it was coming. About 6 months after his death I met someone who is married. I understand affairs with married men go nowhere, but at the age of 64, that’s all I could handle; someone who is around, but not all the time and someone who makes me feel alive in the bedroom but it’s agony not hearing or seeing from him for 2 weeks at a time. I’m going to end it soon, but trying to figure out whether I will just walk away without a word, send a letter, or do it face to face. This man has never been unfaithful in his 25 year marriage and probably doesn’t understand the breaking up process. He’s told me he feels guilty and he knows he’s a cheater and a liar. I’m glad he understands that. If he were free to be with me it would be a different story but he isn’t so…it’s time to end it.

    • Tricia

      Dee. I’m so sorry for your lost of your husband. I went thru the same thing with my Ex Mm one minute everything was good then I wouldn’t hear from him until he was ready to be bother again it’s been 2 months since I saw him this time I want it to be the last time dealing with this mess I got myself into. Send a letter and block his number .I wish U well stay strong !

  • WIWS

    What a mess… I have been seeing MM for nearly a year now. I feel like a terrible person because he is married to one of my best friends. Long story short, I feel as tho he groomed me for years and years, waited for the night when I had a few too many drinks and was vulnerable… and made his move. Not trying to sound like the victim here but this is truly how it all happened. I realize that I am just as guilty and wrong as he is now that I have allowed this to happen and go on for almost a year. But for the last year. He has been promising to leave her, says he loves me and wants a life with me. I never believed he would leave because his actions never proved anything more than him just stringing me along. He was all over the place, one day he wanted a future with me and the next he would say we were moving too fast and we need to slow down… He wasnt ready for all of this. Then he would take it all back and confess his love for me and say he could live without me. I was getting ready to end things about a week ago, had everything typed out and waiting for the right moment to send it. I feel like this whole thing was a huge mistake, I fell in love with him yes— but its not right. I dont want to begin a relationship with someone this way, I could never be proud of a relationship based off of this. But Then things blew up. His wife went to visit a mutual friend of ours and vented to her that he had asked her for a separation and was moving out. That they had been having problems for a while and it wasnt getting better. That she thinks he has a gf but not sure who it is and basically they are going their separate ways for now and see what happens . Our mutual friend contacted me (pretty much just to gossip about it—noone knows about my affair with the MM). I am so mixed up, and confused. I love him, I really do. But I dont want this to happen anymore… I want to move on and forget this. But I am still very attached. He knows exactly what to say to keep me coming back.. And they’re only separating. Not like he will be completely divorced and available… so that bothers me too. I dont want to get in even deeper with him and then he ends up going back to her and i have a feeling that is what will happen once he realizes how hard it is going to be. Besides that, he has agreed to still pay all her bills and give her a large sum of money every month still.. which i think will end up too hard for him and he will end up back with her. I am a mess over this, and I cant find it within myself to end things now that he has begun fulfilling his promises to me. Please pray for me that I find the answers I need to do this… and for strength to do the right thing. Any advice is appreciated. And thank you all for sharing your stories, i have been coming here for several months reading for guidance and support.

    • Tricia

      WIWS. Sweetie U don’t want a man U had a affair with and especially one of your friends husband ! Because U didn’t get him right and what comes around go’s around If he cheat with U he’ll cheat on U. And U would not feel right with the relationship U would have all kind of guilt and ashamed . Look lord knows I’m not judging U .But U deserve a relationship that came natural someone U can take home U actually had dates with and all your family and friends know someone U can be proud to call your own. Let him have the space he need to work on his marriage if it ends then U have no Influence over his decision to end his marriage properly .That way if he did decide to come back it will be because he feels he made the right choose and U won’t feel like a [Homewreaker ] . I prayer that God Give U The Strength U need In Making The Right Decision .

  • Onwards and Upwards

    Hello Ladies! I have to say it has been very comforting reading your stories and I appreciate them all. I was in a marriage where there was infidelity on my ex’s behalf and since there was no trust we decided to get divorced. We have 2 young kids who are my world. So after getting out of one fire I then unintentionally stick myself on the other side and get involved with a MM. We used to sit next to each other at work and him and I became very close and he was a huge support during my divorce. Then one drunken night one thing lead to another. It has been a year and a half roller coaster ride and I just want off. Never in a million years would I think I would do this to myself or to his wife for that matter (who doesn’t know). Our communication became an obsession-all day every day and night! He would fill my days with so much laughter but at the same time I was very lonely. There were times he said he was going to tell her and leave, there were times he would tell me he was in love with both of us. We have even gone away together, but at the end of the day he goes home to her. I know this sounds crazy, but when a few hours go by and there is no communication I get anxiety. It’s not normal and no one should live like this. I was #2 in my marriage and I don’t want to do it again. The other day I told him I can’t do this anymore because I am so extremely unhappy and I deserve more than this especially after everything I went through in my marriage. We have tried to break it off several times and keep going back. I am trying to stay strong this time. I do miss him A LOT as he was a huge part of my life, but I know this is for the better. The longer I hang on, the longer I am delaying my own true happiness. Stay strong ladies!!! You deserve better!

  • Hayley

    Spot on huni.. unfortunately in the past I always thought it meant so much more.. next time I won’t be so fooled that’s for sure.
    Sometimes just opening your eyes to actually what this means changes so much in you to never want to go back again.

  • Broken

    I told MM tonight I think it’s best we don’t see each other anymore.

    Here I am sobbing on my bed.
    But,
    I know it’s what I need to do.

    But it hurts
    It’s not fair
    It’s uncomfortable

    Could use all the prayers and good energy

    -K

    • Tricia

      Broken . U did the right thing I tried to break up with my MM and he wouldn’t let until he was ready now he’s gone left ! I miss him and trying to recover it’s so hard but I’m sending positive vibes your way and a pray that U stay strong and know your special man out there !

    • Jen

      Praying for you…… I’m about to do the same. Dreading taking the leap as I know I’m gonna be broken like you. God is good. His spirit will come and comfort xxx

  • Anon

    I have a question for you ladies. What do you think these married men go through or feel after us breaking up with them?? Do they feel sh*t like us or just go about there lives as if nothing ever happened or did we ever mean anything to them.

    • Tricia

      Anon. Umm good question ! Well my Ex Mm just decide to leave me he didn’t say but his actions speak for it’s self .If your married man had genuine feelings for U I guess he feels the lost of your presents but If not chances are they replace Us move on without a care In the world because most of the time this a casual NON REALITY relationship with them but our feelings for them are REAL NOT FAKE !! That’s why its so hard on us because our love was genuine and pure . And the funny part Is we feel like we cheating on them if decided to date other man !! That’s the funny part too ! All I know Is I feel empty inside and hurt and I’m really mad at myself because I allow this . Ladies Stay Strong I know it’s Hard.

    • Hayley

      Anon – they say as we get stronger they get weaker. I have reason to believe this is true. This is also why there are only women on this site.
      Yes they will miss us but I believe they are relieved for now but it hits them later on usually when we have dealt with it and moved on this is likely the time they start to suffer.
      Men can process their emotions differently by putting them into different compartments whereas us women feel it straight away. So stay strong and know one day when they are still unhappily married they will wonder about us and feel the pain.. this is also likely when they will send the ‘hi how are you text’ trust me. This as happened 5 times for me!! What a fool I was to ever reply.
      This is also what keeps me strong knowing that in the end he will be the one missing me more than I will miss him. Hope this helps. X

      • PeggySue

        The “hi how are you texts” are only because they want to start up the affair again. The text would othewise read “I am divorced and want us to be together forever”. If they wanted to be with us for real, they would. If they suddenly miss us and can’t live without us, then they will leave. I never lose sight of this.

    • PeggySue

      My MM was *mostly* honest with me in my affair. He told me (and we’ve all read this) that men are able to “compartmentalize” things. My MM’s words were “I keep it separate”.

      Honestly, in my situation, I think he misses the *FRIEND* he had in me. He misses someone that was good to him and treated him like an adult and with respect. That’s it. He has the attitude “it was fun while it lasted”. It was always going to be no more than an affair to him *and for ALL OF THEM* otherwise they would leave.

      We women spend too much time wondering how they feel because we felt more than they did. If they truly loved us and wanted to be with us, then they *WOULD*. There would be no excuses. My MM was willing to have the affair with me for as long as I wanted or until he got caught – those were *HIS WORDS*. He told me that many times when I would ask. I once asked what he’d do if he got caught, and he replied “I’d see what she wanted to do”. It’s just plain easier for them to stay married and have us on the side. If it were that bad, they’d leave. I’ve posted that many times here, and that was what made me finally wake up after nearly 2 years of an affir (on and off but mostly on). If you want to heal and move on, you have to think like they do, accept it, and not make the *EXCUSES* that most women do when they analyze things – for example “they process emotions differently” etc. blah blah blah.

      That’s just my experience and opinion of course, but I came out of my affair fog months ago. I now see my MM for what he is and stopped believeing that eventually he’d realize he was happier with me and leave. That’s what got me into the mess in the first place.

    • PeggySue

      Oh and I forgot the most important thing – they are relieved that they got away with it!!! That’s what they think.

      My MM never lied about how much he loved me or told me he was leaving etc. BUT read below about the situations where the MM has done that, and then what he does once he’s caught…..

    • Julie

      When I’m feeling low I also dwell on this question. Or I ask how could he go two months without reaching out. But I’ve gotten stronger and am now able to shift my focus to the new positives in my life. I am mentally free of the daily anxiety and paranoia of what he was up to in his family life. I no longer dream of him sleeping with his wife. I no longer have the heartache that comes with knowing the man you love so dearly doesn’t love you back as much. While there’s some satisfaction in knowing he’s missing me and thinking of me and it wasn’t all meaningless, none of that matters to my life. If he misses me right now it will change nothing in my day today. If I come to know he’s thinking of me this moment all this bit of information will do is get my brain in a renewed frenzy to analyze and over analyze what it means. But in the end he is with his wife. He isn’t with me. And nothing will change that.

      So try not to dwell on the question of whether he misses you or not because it causes you pain and in the end it makes no difference at all. There’s an amazing world out there outside your MM, keep your mind preoccupied by that. Who knows you may meet someone once you free your mind of him. Someone better. I’ve just met a new better looking younger guy and it’s an amazing confidence boost and vindication that I deserved better after all!! Xoxo

    • Depression

      I don’t think they feel what we felt. He still able to live with his wife, children. Like nothing had happened. Their wife are not aware of what they had done to us. We are just women for them to play with when they have time.

    • Bee Suan Tan

      I am also wondering.. does he ever loves me or just come to me for the seek of having sex. My MM said he enjoy having sex with me and he do not have sex with his wife. And I confront him and he get angry and dump me again. Asking me to let him go as he feel i am over obsessive on him. Now he go holiday happily with his wife and family and I am suffering my depression. I miss him so much now.. once close my eye will start to picture how happy he is with his wife.

  • Hayley

    To all of those who work with their MM but want out you need to leave your jobs. I know it’s blunt but whilst you still see each other you are both life options for eachother.. you will never recover from
    It and the affair WILL likely resume at some point.
    If you seriously want out and move on to a better life you need to do it… don’t kid yourself and no excuses.. NONE !
    Go.. run.. disappear.. it’s the only way.
    Trust me.
    Ps; I’m having a few weak moments today but over my dead body will I go back there! I’m so glad I left and got a new better job away from him.
    Tomorrow is a new day though hey ladies. Keep smiling.

    • Anon

      Hayley – like you I get the occasional weak points but over my dead body. No way. I can’t seem to get out of my head what he said to me. So stops me from contacting him. Stay strong. We got each other.

    • the one who was BETRAYED

      Hayley, you are incredible! im so happy for you that you are feeling better and realized these mm are assholes… its over 2 months for me NO CONTACT from him and NO contact from me. never ever again. wont forgive him for telling his wife lies saying i was obsessed with him. PSHH , he came onto me for years, i never came onto him, he was OBSESSED with me. wouldnt allow me to break up with him. now he can enjoy his life. i will NEVER forgive him. luckily i live far away from him so the chances of us bumping into each other are close to NONE. congrats Hayley, love u girly girl 😉 (: tomorrow is A NEW DAY. KEEP UR HEAD UP LOVELIES..

    • Z

      I’m currently in this position and am due to leave my job at the end of this month. This should be a good thing and one step forward towards me getting out of this horrible situation; however, the thought of possibly never seeing him again makes me really sad 🙁 its pathetic, i know…

  • Lover

    Hi ladies,

    I’ve read a lot of comments and I finally have strength to share. I’m going crazy! I met my MM at work. For months he would flirt with me and I didn’t pay him any mind. One random day he asked me to hang out. My first question to him wasn’t aren’t you married? Because let’s be serious, NO woman ever want to subject herself to that type of hurt. He later explained that they were going through a separation. One that his wife initiated. I could tell he was still hurting and that still didn’t stop me from months of dealing with him. I know it’s wrong, but at first it was just fun for the both of us. We did everything together from work to staying with each other every other day, even outings with other coworkers. The nights we couldnt be together we would talk on the phone all night. I would constantly ask him what he would do if his wife decided she actually didn’t want to go through with the separation and he tried beating it in my head that he was completely done. That even if she didn’t want it. He wanted it. Oh a fool I was to believe that. Eventually my fear became reality. Once she realized he had someone else, she went crazy. She wanted her husband back. I tried to be reasonable and told him we had to end it. That I wanted him to try to work it out because i didn’t want him to jump into a relationship with me and have regrets. Of course it was hard for both of us. We snuck around a few times. Almost a month ago things got bad. His wife and I had an altercation, while we were arguing I could hear him in the background lying to her about everything. I am determined to rid him of my life but it hurts. I have to see him at work. I can’t even look at him, but when I’m alone he’s all I think about. I feel like he’s just happy with his family and I’m here miserable. How long does it take for this feeling to go away?

    • Xxx

      Hi Lover,
      I guess when the wife is determined to have him back, she will do it no matter what. The same as we take them back knowing what assholes they are. Hearing him on the phone lying tells you everything. I was once with the mm when she called. He didnt even consider going to a different room so i dont hear it all and get hurt, but nope, i had to hear it all. That fact of not considering my pain hurt more than all the things i heard. You just find a better man and laugh it off. The bastard will hurt and whats most, you wont have to deal with the things wife has to deal with. I remember the comment from someone here saying we should have a look at forums with the wives. I suggest you have a look – not fun, i promise. Those feelings get diluted over time. I recently met a guy who was nice and charming but was too early since i was still in pain. The things didnt work out but i noticed i can actually like someone else. Trust me, the peace you feel after breaking that relationship off is a releaf. No more checking “last seen”…pfff saves a lot of energy that you invest somewhere more productive. But in the end, you have to go through it in your own way and by the time you will realise that you are not more dependent on him. We lived before them quite happily, we can do it again. For the feeling, it lasts long. I dont know if it disappears but it certainly changes its shapes. I see it as a kind of my own defeat – useless fight where i lost even before starting it and without being aware of that. My mm told me recently he loved me actually – what a twist. I dont believe it though.. you dont hurt people you love like that.

    • the one who was BETRAYED

      lover, i am so sorry for what you are going through. I am so glad you found this website, big hugs to you. Its been 2 months NC for me, similar thing happened to me, i could hear in the background my MM lying and crying blaming me for obsessing over him and him lying saying he told me he loved his wife. The pain hurts so bad. its been 60 days for me. I have my ups and downs. to be honest there isnt a time frame i can give you because its still fresh for me, i have my bad and good days. I think time will heal us, as soon as we focus on us, finding a nice single guy, getting a good career and having friends, we can stop thinking as much of them. I am so sorry you are going through, that is such big heartbreak, what a liar, to promise that no he wont take his wife back then to throw you under the bus. so SORRY, lots of lovely soft hugs for you. let me ask you, ever since that day, have you spoken to him? you need to go no contact, and find a job where you dont work with him, that way, you can move on, if not, the pain and anger will always be there. big hugs to you girl. please stay here and follow up with us other women, we can grow together (=

  • Lianne Stevenson

    I’ve been having an affair with a married man from my work for almost a year. He has promised everything he knows I desire: marriage, love, friendship, security, all while continuing to choose his wife over me. He’s used horrible tragedies in his life to pull me back in and to think we’re on a deeper level, when really it’s all been a lie. He even lied for months telling me that they were separated and going to “divorce counseling” when later I found out it was couples counseling. We met in a parking lot yesterday and his wife almost caught us and he said he’d tell her about us, but instead, they went to dinner. To dinner! I’m beyond stupid for thinking he’ll ever choose me and yet there’s that part of me that has hope. Why? Why can’t I just walk away? He’s a serial cheater (he’s cheated on his wife for their entire relationship, even hooking up with multiple randoms) and yet…I still believe I’d be happy with him. I’m so desperate to move on and am looking for any help I can get.

  • Emotional Rollercoaster

    I stumbled upon this thread about 6 months ago and ever since I’ve been coming on here, silently reading all of your posts, trying to fuel myself with the strength and determination to end this affair. Unfortunately, I have not been able to do so and now I’m going on 1 year with MM. I’ve been married for 13 years. I married young. I have 2 kids. My marriage has not been so great for a couple of years now. We don’t agree on a lot of things, there is no longer any passion and hardly any intimacy. He is also very controlling. I stay because of the kids and frankly is all I know. We are kind of separated now.

    I met my MM when I was in my second year of high school. We dated briefly nothing serious at all. We even lived in the same neighborhood. I moved a year after and we lost touch. Then one day (about 2 years after) I see him carrying furniture in my apartment building. I couldn’t believe it. He was moving into the apartment right above mine. We kind of started up again (again nothing serious). But that was short lived. He was actually moving to another country less than a year from then. After he moved we lost complete contact for 16 years, until we met again a year ago that I started working at the same place as he. I was in complete shock that destiny got us back together for a third time. We started talking at first and catching up. He told he was married with 4 kids. 2 from a previous relationship and 2 from his current relationship. I started looking forward to go to work everyday and couldn’t wait until the time during the day when I would see him. All types of feelings started coming back but this time 10x stronger. I don’t understand it. I don’t know if it was that my own marriage was unsatisfying but about a month and a half after, we started the affair. I knew it was wrong but it happened so fast. I constantly kept fighting with myself telling me that I had to end this. Everyday that passed I wanted more. He would tell me that destiny brought us back together for a reason and that we will openly be together one day. About 3 months After I found a better job opportunity and I took it. I almost didn’t want to. I got depressed and was about to turn it down. I didn’t want to miss the opportunity of seeing him everyday. But I took it. I also knew that I needed to distance myself from him. It took me a while to adjust at the new job because I couldn’t get over the fact that I would not see him everyday. After my move we would see each other maybe 2-3 times a month and it has been like this ever since. I tried blocking him twice but both times only lasted about a week. I don’t want to do this anymore. I need to be myself again. I need to focus on moving forward and my kids. I cry every other day. I want and deserve more but I know I can’t receive this from him. I ask God why did he bring him into my life again. I was at PEACE. Yes I was in a unfulfilling, unaffectionate, sex less marriage. But I was at PEACE. I’ll take that any day over this feelings and emotions that are breaking me down and don’t let me function properly. Yes I’ve gone out with girlfriends for lunch for socializing. I’ve done “sip and paint” sessions with family members as therapeutic time. I go shopping to clear my mind. But it’s not enough. I still can’t get him out of my head. I still can’t decide to completely cut him off. Can you believe that for the past 9 years he has been living 15 minutes away from me and we never bumped into each other until a year ago? Why, is all that I ask. I wish we never met up again a year ago.

    Thank you ladies for sharing all of your stories. I can’t talk about this to anyone. I’m also considering counseling. Believe it or not, reading your posts is how I managed to sleep some nights since I started coming on here 6 months ago.