How to Get Over Your Affair With a Married Man


You’re unhappy about having an affair with a married man, but you don’t know how to get over him. Here, you’ll find tips for breaking off a relationship with a man who is married. May you find freedom, peace, love and joy in your life – and may you hold on to your vision of a beautiful future with a man who is dedicated to you.

“I have to keep reminding myself of how many lies I have told over the years,” says Anonymous on How to Break Up With a Married Man – and Heal Your Heart. “I have been lying to everyone who is most important to me for 5 years. I’ve been sneaking around with this married man, ignoring my own husband who loves me more then anyone in this world. I have taken my husband for granted and I am finally realizing that. I find myself wanting to talk to my husband more and be excited about becoming parents (I’m five months pregnant). I decided to end my affair with the married man and still feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I know I’ll have some good moments and bad moments, but hopefully as time passes I’ll have more good. I really do want to end this affair because it makes me sick that I was involved with a married man for so long. I’m just looking for the strength to get through the next few hours, days, and weeks until I stop thinking about him.”

You’re not alone if you’re searching for suggestions on how to break up with a married man. I’ve written several articles about infidelity, and the one that’s most searched for is my blog post on getting over an affair. This surprised me, actually. I was aware that many men cheat on their wives, but I hadn’t thought about who they were cheating with. The comments section on my article about breaking up with a married man has given me a whole new perspective on marital affairs.









Here’s a list of reasons you shouldn’t date other womens’ husbands, plus several tips on how to get over a married man and heal the pain of heartbreak. Having an affair with a married man can rip your heart in pieces…but the good news is that you’re on the right track! You’ve begun the process of healing, simply by searching for ways to get over a married man.

Reasons to Let Go of Him

How to Get Over a Married Man

How to Get Over a Married Man

I suspect you already have your own reasons not to date married men – and your reasons may be below.

But, this list may give you the extra push you need to get serious about the healing process.

  • Adultery is destructive, immoral, and painful
  • A married man won’t commit to a future with you
  • You can’t trust a married man who cheats on his wife
  • You can’t talk about dating married men with your friends and family, so you won’t get much support
  • A married man doesn’t respect the woman he’s cheating with
  • You’ll waste your life waiting for him to make a decision – and the chances he’ll decide to commit to you are slim
  • A married man is living with guilt and shame, which will eventually affect your relationship
  • Good, kind, loving men don’t cheat on their wives
  • Cheating damages families and destroys lives

This last tip would drive me to quickly learn how to get over a married man! Guys who cheat don’t respect or love the women they’re cheating with. No matter what they say, they don’t really respect women who let themselves be used.

If you want to break up with him but feel like you can’t, read How to Get Through a Breakup When You’re Still in Love.

How to Get Over a Married Man

I’ve written lots of articles with practical tips on breaking up and healing after heartbreak. In this article, I want to focus on the power of love to help you move forward in your life. This may seem ironic because you think you’re losing love…but actually, the end of this affair can actually be the start of a whole new life of freedom, peace, and joy for you!

Focus on finding freedom to end this relationship

May you break free from the chains that hold you in this relationship – a relationship you know is unhealthy and destructive for you and others. May you find freedom, peace, and joy in your life. I pray for courage and strength, and for wisdom to learn how to get over a married man without feeling compelled to return to your old way of living. I pray that you take time to bow your head and lift your heart to God.



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Instead of allowing your heart and emotions to dictate your choices, decide to end this affair. Yes, it’ll hurt. Yes, you’ll think about him all the time. But you can be free from the compulsion to see this married man. May you find yourself quickly and free from the bondage of this affair. End your suffering, move forward in freshness and light.

Look at the obstacles in your way

What is holding you back from getting over a married man? Maybe you’ve invested time, emotional energy, or even money in the affair. Maybe you hope he’ll leave his wife and marry you. Maybe breaking up with him is an admission of guilt, and you can’t forgive yourself for the affair.

Maybe you love him.

Being clear on your reasons for having the affair – and breaking it off – will help you find freedom. Why are you searching for tips on how to get over a married man? Start digging around in your heart and soul, and figure out why you started the affair and what’s holding you back from a healthy relationship.

Decide that this affair is over. Period.

How to Get Over Your Affair With a Married ManHere’s my favorite comment from a reader on my other article about getting over a married man:

You have to make up your mind to break up with your married man…It’s hard for me to believe that there are other men who are willing to love me even more but there are. If you do not let go of what’s bad for you, then you’re not making yourself available for a good man. I’d rather be in a relationship with someone I like than in a relationship with a married man I love who can’t make me his priority. THIS ISN’T HAPPINESS. We deserve more. And it starts within ourselves. His wife doesn’t deserve this, either.

Start recreating your life

Part of learning how to break up with a married man is to create your life in a way that incorporates new perspectives, new attitudes, new priorities, and new values. One of your new attitudes has to be acceptance – because you know that resisting this change will stop you from learning how to live happily without the man you love.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • What do I need to let go of in my life that is no longer alive?
  • What is sacred to me?
  • Who or what do I love?
  • What have I sacrificed in order to love this married man and have an affair?
  • What is calling to me now in my life?
  • How can I start living the life I really want?
  • What changes do I need to make so I can live without him?

Take one question at a time and sit quietly with it. Write about it in your journal or the comments sections below. Turn it over in your mind. Don’t overanalyze or overthink your answers. Don’t pressure yourself to come up with an answer. Be willing not to know how you will live without him. What is important is that the questioning gets energy moving deep in your emotions and spirit. From here, change will naturally unfold in your life.

What is one thing you can do today to take care of yourself, and help your heart heal?

Learn how to let go and emotionally detach from him

Breaking up and letting go takes time, but it will happen. You have more power than you think – and you deserve better. You deserve a man who will love and cherish you, wholly and completely.

Letting Go of a Relationship You Want to KeepIn How to Let Go of Someone You Love I share stories about letting go from me and a few “She Blossoms” readers. Our experiences with love and loss will comfort and encourage you.

I share 25 Blossom Tips, each paired with a practical “how to.” Every tip highlights a different part of who you are—spirit, heart, soul, body, and brain. This holistic approach will help you move forward in different ways, according to your personality, mood, energy level and lifestyle.

My life with a schizophrenic mother, absent father, foster homes, attempted rape, infertility, and three years in Africa taught me that choosing to grow forward is essential for healing.

May your heart and soul heal from the pain this relationship caused, and the grief of the breakup. May your heart turn towards the love and peace only God can bring.

If you want to share your story about loving a married man, please write below. I can’t offer advice, but you might find it helpful to share your experience. Writing slows us down and helps us untangle our emotions. It helps us refocus our thoughts and heal from destructive patterns in our lives.



Share your thoughts below - you won't be judged or criticized! I read every comment, but can't always respond personally.

If you need relationship help, get Mort Fertel's 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage - and FREE advice, no strings attached.







xo



My Books - She Blossoms

Growing Forward When You Can't Go Back She Blossoms Laurie Pawlik
Growing Forward When You Can't Go Back - to help you walk through loss into a new season of life. I share glimpses into my life with a schizophrenic mother, living in foster homes, teaching in Africa, and coping with infertility. Woven through the book are practical, encouraging Blossom Tips to help you grow and flourish!





How to Let Go of Someone You Love She Blossoms Laurie Pawlik

How to Let Go of Someone You Love - Powerful Secrets (and Practical Tips!) for Healing Your Heart After a Breakup. Do you feel like you'll never get over your broken heart? This ebook - available immediately - will help you heal. It's time to let go of what was, and embrace what will be.





When You Miss Him Like Crazy She Blossoms Laurie Pawlik

When You Miss Him Like Crazy - 25 Lessons to Move You From Broken to Blossoming After a Breakup! You miss him desperately right now, but you won't always feel this way. This warm, comforting ebook will give you the tools, encouragement and strength you need to move through the pain and start blossoming - today!




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752 thoughts on “How to Get Over Your Affair With a Married Man

  • anna

    Well I seriously backslid last night and agreed to meet up with him take a ride to give some stuff to his daughter. I knew when I agreed to it that it was a mistake but stupidly went through with it anyway – we rode up there and right before we got to his daughter’s apartment he dumped me off at a coffee shop while he went and gave her the stuff. I sat there waiting for him for 45 minutes, hating myself so bad for even putting myself in that position – and when he came back we just sat in silence in the car. It was extremely awkward. I asked if he had to get right home and he said YEAH and that was enough for me get upset all over again. It was not a pleasant evening. I told him I can’t be someone he fits in around his family anymore! He called me today crying saying he was going crazy and how much he hates himself and wishes he could die. Which is exactly how I feel. Part of me knows that I need to go NC and cut this off completely but part of me wants to keep the companionship and friendship we have. I have some days where I feel strong and then I have days like yesterday/today where I just want to cry. This is extremely hard. I don’t know what I would do without this page right now because no one else knows what I am going through.

  • Tricia

    The Aftermath of my 7 year affair . Hello ladies ! Well it’s been 3 months since I saw him and a month 1/2 no contact wow I made it this far my friends are so proud of me that I made this far ! It’s been a struggle but now I don’t have to wonder when I’m see him again what he doing at home with his family , No more feeling used ! And waiting for a texts or phone calls and rearranging my schedule for him ! No more living In shame and feeling guilty for sleeping with a married man ! And waiting for what eventually will happen [ HIM LEAVING ME WHEN I LEASE EXPECTING IT ] Without a warning or see’ya or hey baby good bye ! He just slowly faded away from my life I guess he felt I have a mental breakdown or go crazy and tell his wife ? So ladies I wasn’t ready for N/C he gave me no choice in the matter and I’m not In the business of bagging no man to stay with me ! So free yourself . I do miss him thou but not like I did early on I’m losing the desire to call him or texts him .I hope I don’t see him because he probably will see the sadness in my face I’m a work In progress but I’ll U guys the crying have stop and above go to sleep without dreaming of him ! I remember him telling me I come around when I’m NEED !! I knew then he didn’t care about ever seeing me or talking to me and that’s how know It’s over .Ladies all affair have a slow deaf to them or a expiration date to them so weather your ready for N/C or Not The Married Men Will Leave After All He Started It ! Ladies Stay Strong & Blessed . To my new Beginning …….

    • Hayley

      Tricia I am so proud of you beautiful lady. I’m over 3 months no contact now and no longer counting. Yeah I still miss him but I don’t miss the headaches, the anxiety.. it does get easier.
      I have a feeling he will be back for you one day.. whether it’s months or years I have a feeling he will.. you become a challenge again, you become intriguing again.. mines been back more times than I care to admit.. so just be ready for it and don’t fall so easily when he does.. in the meantime don’t wait for that to happen, live you’re best life and concentrate on yourself. Only us can break the cycle.
      Keep at it.. keep strong.. I’m missing him a bit today for some reason. Funny how it comes and goes in waves but I won’t ever contact him, I won’t give him the satisfaction.
      Well done us… onwards and upwards. We’ve got this x

      • Tricia

        Hayley .Thank U ! I don’t think any of us ladies will ever forget the MARRIED MEN they are unforgettable No !! I still have my texts from him I don’t read them no more it hurt to read . I think every man knows just how long they can have Us out there before they come back I think they study Us and know more about Us then we think ? But I’m truly tired of the back and forth romance and I know I must avoid him his Office is up the street from me [YES] . And believe the reason they break and leave is because they are too living with the guilt and shame especially when they go home to their wives and it become to much for them. I could it see in my ex’s eyes and sadness at times I could handle him leaving me if he only would have told me [ Tricia Baby I gotta go ] I wouldn’t be so hurt . I too use to take Antiexty pills when my sister died it really helped me ! But I’m feeling better now .And Hayley I think U are a strong woman with a Beautiful Spirit and your Ex Mm knew this about U but he also knew keeping U was hurting U and just maybe he set U free because he did love U 14 years !! U deserve all the Happiness your Heart can have girl !! Do you .

  • Katie C

    I haven’t posted in month or two. MM had ghosted me for a month back in October. He is now back in my life, and we are hot and heavy. I am 100% in love with him. He says he loves me too and wants to be with me but that is would cause so much devastation in his family. I get that and don’t even want him to leave her. My ex left me for another woman 13 years ago, so to those who say they don’t ever leave their wives are wrong.

    I never thought I would end up being the mistress after what my ex did to me, but here I am.

    He lives 2 hours away, so we see each other only a couple of times a month but talk on the phone and text daily.

    I saw his wife at a function we wound up at together. I was devastated seeing her. First, because it was a reality check for me. To see the woman I’m hurting. Second, because I was so envious of her place in his life. She is priority (and rightly so), but I selfishly want him all to myself.

    I cannot help my feelings. He’s everything I want in a man except for that one big, glaring thing- he’s married and not mine to take.

    I hate this path, but I absolutely, truly love him. I have several single suitors and none of them strike my fancy because they aren’t him.

    Never thought I’d be in this position. I don’t even know how I got here. I was not even looking for a man or love when he came into my life.

    • Hayley

      Katie C – I don’t mean to sound harsh but you say you don’t want him to leave his wife and then you say you selfishly want him all to yourself, so which is it?
      Also I’m sorry about your ex but were you married with a family? It’s a lot harder for a man to leave a wife and family and whilst some of them do, MOST of them don’t. The longer the affair goes on the less chance of him leaving her.
      The way you feel about this man is exactly how we feel / felt about ours too.. it takes over your every thought. I get it..
      Unfortunately I don’t have any advise (cause you sound like you are still in the thick of it) other than run and go back to no contact. I’m sure you do love each other but this shouldn’t be enough for you.. you deserve soooo much more than this as we all do. I’m well over 2 months no contact now and starting to finally believe it and if he were to contact me now he’d be met with a bolted door even though I too thought he was my soul mate not so long back… but until you get to this same point you will remain trapped in this affair. Goodluck to you and be v careful.

    • Anna

      Hi Katie. Many of the things you said remind me so much of how I felt about my mm. We were madly in love, he professed that he wanted to be with me but couldn’t destroy his wife and family. So I stayed in the shadows – for 7 years. I threw away some of the best years of my life – and the chance to maybe meet someone else.

      It’s true that some men do leave but most don’t. Read the articles and statistics that are out there. These men are getting everything they need — the home life stays intact and they have us propping up their egos, providing sex and validation — and they don’t have to be the bad guy — so there is no reason to leave.

      My mm would claim he never wanted to hurt me and that he hated hurting me and that he wanted to make me as happy as he could. He was very attentive… we talked every day and night. He was fine with lying to everyone. But he couldn’t move mountains to be with me.

      Read up on narcissism and cognitive dissonance. I follow a feed that discusses NPD and the crazy thing is that it just appeared one day in my feed.. it was like someone wanted me to see this. I started reading up on it and read more and more every single day. And I realized that my mm had some of the qualities of a covert narcissist and that’s why he is the way he is. And the more I read, the stronger I got.

      It has been very hard and I have been through a LOT to get to this point, but I am finally to a point where for the first time in 7 years I don’t feel like I need him and can walk away. We are not NC but we talk very little and have agreed to be friends. I have laid down some healthy boundaries for myself and only contact him if and when I want to. Life is getting much better every day.

    • Anonymous38

      I still love my ex-MM…like soooo much..the other day he told me he loved me for the first time in years…I didnt say it back..I was so confused…can a MM really love his mistress?! Smh..

      When Im ready to let go..he tells me this…being with him is so painful…I cant do it anymore….he needs to focus on his wife and son….

      • Tricia

        Anonymous 38. Appreciate your married man honesty that way when he leave at least you know the true . I wish my Ex Mm gave me true honesty anyway it’s two kinds of love (1) when it’s a friendship love (2) A true genuine love where a person make u a priority not a option ! Figure out where U fall ? Good luck 👍!!!

        • Anonymous38

          I honestly think he’s in love with me…cuz at one time he did make me a priority…but thats not important to me anymore…At the end of the day he is married…Also, my feelings are fading…thank God!

          I know in my heart God has someone for me and only me….who will treat me like a queen!! I cant wait to meet him…

    • Tricia

      Kate C. Reading your story U sound like your living with the shame and guilt of dealing with your Mm ,And yeah it’s true men do divorce their wives but it’s rare most of them stay my Mm ghost me to all the time I minute it’s on for about 5 or 6 months the next dude was outta here until he finally just left for good ! But I’m alright now I have my Deja’vue moments going back to where thing’s was lovely ! But it wasn’t real it was a relationship based on sex ,lies and sweet talk to sum it up !! But I did enjoy him I can’t lie but he was never mind and I was never his .And no man can ever compare to the married man but I know somewhere out there Is someone special for all of us but we got to be open to the possibility of a new love. I hope U can eventually see your way out of this affair .Pray to God for strength .

  • Wummy

    How exactly did i get myself into this, A well brought up lady found herself into dating a married man. Oh no!!!! I shouldnt have done this. I joined my workplace a year ago, am naturally cheerful, ever happy lady, just last year i got myself into this, Yes he is my boss, of course i knew he’s married but do u know what i was in an unhappy relationship then. Really he gave me maximum attention, i fell for him, its crazy but i really loved him soooo much, we talked everyday, chat everytime but i was living in deceit, i opened up to my guy, Well he forgave me, i cut off the relationship with MM, its about 12 days of no communication, saw him twice at work, I wont deny this, i really do miss him, i had to delete his contacts from my phone so i wont be tempted to chat him, he’s aware i told my guy about our affair, it has not been easy at all, i get jealous of his attention to other, he greets me like normal at any time will get to see by chance. I know it wont last but i miss him, i even told him we should continue at first when i quitted but wasnt comfortable i quitted again and reason i deleted contact. I have been reading peoples experiences here, right now is like i cant bear it, its not easy, i really do need a tight hug from someone who really understands my plight and this is why am typing this. Fine i deserved to be blamed, i really deserve that, Amidst all this i really appreciate this platfor. Thanks everyone.

  • Jenny

    I have been seeing a man who has been in a 13 year relationship with another woman and has 2 small children. The affair has been extremely intense and i can say i have never loved anyone the same way i love him…he says the same. His excuse for not leaving is the kids. He says its not about choosing her over me, because they dont get on, its about them. Intially i could understsnd this logic however ive gotten to the point where i cant understand it anymore. Why be in a relationship you dont want to be in, even for the children. Until it dawned on me…he could leave, he just doesnt want to. He told me recently that she mentioned about breaking up so he came over and told me about how it could be possible for us to be together, putting all these thoughts in my head…only to basically change his mind a week later because shes working harder at making their relationship work.
    Ive been with him over a year now and unfortunately i work very closely with him. Does anyone have any advice of how to end this?

  • Anna

    Yep. We have always said we are each other’s best friend but I started realizing how fake that is. A best friend will pick up the phone night or day. A best friend will drop everything when you need them. If I got in a car accident, could he come be with me? Could he spend the night with me at the hospital? NO! He says he can’t leave her, it’s not can’t, it’s won’t. He has a choice and he chooses to stay with her. I requested that he at least have integrity enough to tell the truth. The facts are what they are and we have been doing this for years. Even if he feels like he is trapped and can’t leave – just tell the truth. Let her make the decision. Nope. He can’t do that either. It’s not can’t, it’s won’t. Because he doesn’t want his whole world to come crashing down – his world is protected at all costs – it’s fine to mess up my world beyond all recognition as long as his sham stays intact. When I get really angry I want to tell her.

  • Anna

    I was always been the perfect, compliant girlfriend, there for his needs and rarely if ever asking for anything for myself. That all started changing around the fall of last year when I started getting tired of the way things were, tired of him never being there when I needed him, tired of never being able to do normal things other than talk on the phone and have meet ups for sex, and asked him to plan some special time for us as a couple. I practically had to threaten to end it, but he finally agreed to take me on two quickie overnight trips. We went but he had to make up these elaborate alibis and I could tell the entire time he was not relaxed. How could he be? How can these men ever be, knowing that they live a double life? So the trips came to an end and we went into the holiday season. He and his wife has large extended families and I have very little family, so that was depressing for me to know he was always busy doing family things. It just kept building and building on me, until finally I just started realizing that I get nothing out of this but stress. He came to my house just before Christmas and gave me a gift that was nothing. I am not in this for gifts but you could just tell he put no real thought or energy into it the way he shops for his family. I met him a few weeks later at the mall and he tried to have sex with me in the car and I got upset and his Christmas list for his family fell out of his pocket. Then I just completely lost it. It was a huge turning point and I realized that I could not keep doing this! He does so little for me and works me in around his family, and I have just tolerated it! And he will keep doing it as long as I keep allowing it! I have not seen him since then even though he has tried. We are still talking but we fight every time we talk. It has really reached a point where I am furious at him and it is all coming out. All the years of frustration and pain. All the things I wanted to say, but only said to myself. I know that the next step is no contact – I admit that’s a hard step for me to take, I’m just so trained to look for his responses on my phone, it’s like a physical release I get when I see that he’s responded to me. Even now when I’m so damn angry at him. Any advice on how to break the addiction and take that first step in going no contact? Thanks ladies for any advice you can give a struggling sister.

    • New Year New Me

      Hi Anna! No contact is very hard and you have to be completely ready to pull the trigger. But I will tell you it is the best thing for you. I’ve been no contact for about 2 weeks and I know that doesn’t sound like a long time, but every day is another day closer to being truly happy. My MM and I would talk every day, ALL day. Like you said, it’s an addiction. When you have contact or see each other you are on a high and when it stops, even if its only for a few hours, its a low and want more. They are a drug and the best thing is cold turkey. And you are 100% correct because even when they are with you they aren’t fully there. It is so frustrating because you want them to be fully engaged but they are always focused on what if the wife is texting and having to respond so she doesn’t suspect anything. My MM would even admit that he wasn’t fully there and wanted to be so bad. Well that just wasn’t good enough for me. If he wanted that then he would do the right thing. But even then at the end of the day I probably wouldn’t trust him. So my advice would be no contact. It will hurt and you will go through so many different emotions but that’s ok. I just keep telling/allowing myself to feel those emotions and over time it will get better and I will be able to find someone that wants to be fully committed to me! Keep your head up and good luck!

      • Anna

        I did not contact him last night for the first time in almost 2 years. I have been sick, really sick, and stressed out and overwhelmed, and I told him exactly how I felt and his response was like I was telling him the weather. Then he changed the subject to his adult daughter who is also sick. He’s always turning it back around on himself or his family in some way. He refuses to acknowledge anyone other than himself and can’t even talk about anyone other than himself. I got disgusted and decided I’m not talking to him and just started occupying myself with other things and didn’t even think about him. He blew up my phone all night and called me first thing this morning at 7:30am telling me he was worried about me and to call him. He’s not worried about me. He may be worried that he’s finally alienated me for good, but he’s not worried about me. If he was worried about me, he’d be over here taking care of me when I’m sick. Anyway, I have given this a lot of thought and when I’ve tried to go no contact in the past, I’ve always had a hard time with it because I make the fatal mistake of arguing with him culminating with “it’s over” which in turn causes me to get upset and seek out a response from him stupidly thinking he will win me back over and keep checking my phone incessantly for the fix of his next response. So I decided the way I need to do this is not to argue with him or fight with him anymore and just fade away.. There is nothing left to argue about! We have had the same discussion over and over. I just need to stop replying to him and disappear and feel whatever I am feeling without the high intensity emotions. I can just feel whatever I am feeling and let him be the one to wonder and look at his phone for a response for a change.

  • Hayley

    They say it takes 66 days to break a habit.. well I’m roughly around day 70! Yes I’m on anxiety tablets I’m not ashamed to admit it but I needed some help along the way.. work also getting me down so I won’t give him full credit for making me anxious even though I’m pretty sure it’s because of everything with him but what I will say is that I am so glad I am away from him. Away from the anxious waiting, the guilt, the shame, the lack of dignity.
    They will never leave their wives. EVER and us women let these MM control us yet no man on this earth is worth this. In fact reading your stories these men make me sick. I can sit here and think what a great guy he was, he was my soul mate, we had so much in common. I’ll never find another one like him again blar blar blar but 70 days away from him I just think what an absolute idiot I was!
    Yeah I miss him, I miss the friendship more than anything but now I realise these men aren’t friends to us! Anyone can say ‘I love you’ anyone can! Just words ladies just words to keep us hooked.
    Where are these men right this second? Yes that’s right with the woman they CHOSE to stay with. Work on your self esteem and walk the hell away.. I’m so glad I did.
    Don’t accept them in your life ever again unless they have their divorce papers in hand and even then be wary.. very wary!
    I remember my MM (my soul mate ppfftt) commenting that he didn’t like my hair pinned up a certain way.. at the time I stupidly thought it was sweet he noticed and cared..Now I realise that it was may be his true character and now I wear my hair that way almost daily cause no man tells me how to wear my hair! No man! His poor poor wife !
    Lucky escape from who I thought was a wonderful man! They are all narascissts with ego issues who like a sense of control over their wives and us!
    Ask yourself.. is he really that perfect?! Really ? There are another 500 million men on this planet.. their wives chose the wrong one.. but we have a choice.
    No contact all the way.. yes it hurts like a bitch but don’t give in at any cost cause at day 70 you’ll be thanking me. I promise.
    I just hope he misses me every second of every day and that ladies is my rejection right back to him.
    Please I’m begging you all, turn it around on yourself.
    Concentrate on you always!! not these ass clowns.. and if he really really wants you he will climb mountains to have you and if he doesn’t, his loss and you will have moved on anyway.
    Happy new year to you all.. let’s make this a better one.
    Get rid !!

    • anonymous38

      hi hayley..so glad to hear from you…Ive been having a very hard time…some days Im not sure if the wives made the wrong the choice…I follow the wife on instagram…He bought her the most amazing gift…After that I realized he really does love her…He bought her a painting drawing of her..my heart sank a little…but then I realized she deserves it…it was a very thoughtful gesture..

      even though he asked me for sex recently…I believe he really loves her…

      P.S. Their lives looks so amazing from my view..It amazes me that he cheats…I think he cheats because he gets away with it….

    • Xxx

      I haven’t followed stories here for quite some time since I am mastering another issue – narcissism. It explains every single thing I went through with my (or 5 more girls’) MM. I must say I am not that sure they miss us at all, if anything they might miss the fuel we were supplying them with. I realised my MM got bored of me long before I thought and was just keeping me around for possible sex involvement. I cornered him with every hurtful thing he had done to me and his response was “i am sorry, but i cannot see that i am doing anything wrong, but i am willing to take all the blame, would you come to my place for a couple of days?”. Since i have been doing some research on narcissism, i realized he does not have any empathy whatsoever and he was honest when telling me that. That was his truth, especially now that i have been devalued and removed from the pedestal. He just does not care anymore. I am sure this is not an issue with every MM, but in my case the wife was not problem at all, at leadt not in the sense I thought. For him, neither the wife is great (he told me this before) so he is desperately looking for a soul mate to fill in the cracks in his soul. However, when he stops idealising us and sees our human flows, he prefers to stick with the wife who is also imperfect but can show off to the world that he has a family. As you say, how wrongful were us to think they were our friends! He was even surprised when i once said that i still talk to some of my exes for the sake of friendship and not sex. Now I know why!
      I have been no contact, i politely said i needed a break in communication which he indiferently accepted since i am not that important anymore. But i also do struggle missing him, especialy the friendship i thought we had had. I cannot wait to reach the point when i can look back and thank my lucky star for escaping that hell, maybe on the day 70! ☺
      To all the girls, we settled for less than we deserve and this is the prize! Do read on NPD, write down the cycles of all the phases you had with them and see the things more realistically and if you were the victim of the narcissistic abuse. I hope to get to see great lessons from this experience. I am also sorry for struggling with both my private and professional life in the past year because i invested all my thoughts and energy in him. Needless to say, he didn’t give a damn about me.

  • eve

    I am a 21 year old woman who is currently in an almost ending affair with a married 43 y.o. attorney. I can’t recall how all this started, but I met him because he was a referred attorney by a friend to help me get out of this suspended license situation. I can’t recall how it all started, but I remember that I was not very happy with myself with my situation of not financing my money right and getting in trouble with the law and drinking and I would see this lawyer as my savior, so I would go for him for help and he started taking me out for coffee after our meetings. Also meetings that were unnecesary because I remember that I was in his office alone on a Saturday for three hours and he said how much he loved talking to me. and then it went to calling me everyday, and everyday for 1-3 hours on the phone and I loved the attention he was giving me because he was so handsome. It has been since March 2018 since I met him. we have slept together a couple of times but never spending the night because of his wife and kids. We would say we miss each other like almost everyday, and till now it has been 2 weeks since we have not spoke on the phone and I am starting to believe that there is another woman. we have texted but only about my court dates and case about my license. I am starting to feel confused and ignored because he has said so many sweet things to me that sounded so real over the phone. I grew up in a Christian family and currently working as an exotic dancer for now almost 3 years, so I’ve always known that I can use dancing as an escape and, he also knows I’m a dancer, and I know that I’m also his escape but help this has never happened to me. This is the first time when dancing for attention doesn’t make me feel any better. Ive never been so insecure. I’ve never been so lonely. I’ve never been so used and heartbroken. By any day now until my court date I expect one of his phone calls because he said last week that he misses talking to me and I’m scared of falling into it again. If he wasn’t my attorney for my case it would be easy to leave him but he has done 3 cases for me- one major- a DUI trial.. and he never accepted any payments from me because he said that I was already paying him even before I started sleeping with him because sleeping with him was something I wanted and he wanted also, I know that he loved the attention he was getting from me. so Im stuck because I can’t get another attorney because they will actually charge me thousands when I’m getting his legal services for free. All I want to do is heal and move on but I still have to see him and that just hurts me. I love reading the thoughts down here they make me feel better. What should I do or say to him if he calls or texts me that he misses out of nowhere like he has a million other times?!

    • Tricia

      Eve. He Is clearly taking advantage of you & your situation let he finish your case and try too several your ties with him before you really fall for him and find yourself caught up with this married men and him running in and out of your life and years pasts U by and U will be taking about I been with him for 20 years and miserable !! U are a young women with your whole life ahead of U don’t cheat yourself out of a future with a man who is available to and can give U the relationship U so deserve .Being with a married man Is a lonely, shameful journey people will always judge U and really it’s not worth it. Don’t worry about what he doing because U will never know if guilt keep him away or another woman or whatever ? Just try to better yourself and love U more !! Pray that God give U the strength and clarity to move pass all this !! Better Days …..

  • Anna

    I have been having an on and off affair with a mm for years now. I am a single woman without strong family ties and he has a way with words and he just filled a void in my life. In the beginning it was exciting but also romantic and we fell in love or so I thought. I will spare you all the details but I am just to the point now where this is no longer worth it to me. He has been honest with me that he can not/will not leave his wife. He says he is just not that kind of man and concerned about her psychologically and also about her overall health. I got outside the bubble that I live in constantly and realized how phony he is. If he were truly concerned about her, he wouldn’t have been with me all these years. He has talked to me for hours every night for the past several years and we see each other about once a week, taken trips together and meet up at his house when she isn’t there. Does any of that sound like a man who is psychologically concerned for his wife?
    I am tired of the lying, cheating, self loathing feeling when he leaves, tired of living in the shadows, the feeling of being dismissed, and feeling last. He still goes everywhere with her, they take vacations, oh and he still has sex with her “but it’s nothing like us”. I have been faithful to him for the last 2 years. They have a large extended family on both sides, 2 kids in college, a house and finances. He finally admitted to me when we were arguing that if she finds out the truth she will “kick him out” and he will have to give her the house, his retirement and he will have to pay her. It was like a kick in the gut. He doesn’t care how much I hurt as long as he and his sham of a family stay intact. Wake up call.
    So now I’m done. I haven’t gotten the guts to do no contact yet, but I’m getting to that point. The last 2 days have been spent pouring my anger out. I have so much anger. I’ve never been so angry.

    • Tricia

      Ana. I sense the frustration In U ! I know how U feel I was too the Good Mistress ‘ too so I thought ? I never asked him for nothing but If U leave me say Baby Bye And he never did he just left without a word.I felt he has children and I didn’t want to take from them I know sound stupid right ? He was honest with me I never thought he would leave his wife for me nor would I want him too .Anyway it’s been 2 months No Contact ! I miss our talks and just him being around but It came at a high cost ! Every time he left I felt bad and all kind of crazy thoughts came to my mind .In the beginning like U I wouldn’t never say nothing because I felt like U got yourself In this mess U knew better but as time went on I too expressed my true feelings but It didn’t matter to him he’ll just go home and I didn’t exist in his real world .Every time I tried to break thing’s off he wouldn’t let me and I always took him back I’m not strong yet even now I’m so thankful I don’t see him or he don’t call because I probably would go back Oh he left me after I tried to leave him and he had sex with me and I told him I ADORE HIM !! Ana U gotta let him go it’s Hard as Hell ! I so wanted to contact him over the Holiday but I didn’t. You will miss Him like CRAZY and want to Contact him because U use to him and Have Feelings for him.But the longer U stay the more Sadder U will become the more pain U will feel and U will start to feel Jealousy of his wife because she have him .And it’s not her fault .Forgive yourself for having the affair with him ,Be Good to yourself .God knows your Heart .Ask Him for the Courage and Strength to move on . Stay Strong .

  • Mia

    Hi everyone! I have read most of your posts and they have helped me so much, just knowing that I’m not the only one that is going through this, I decided to post because my anxiety is getting really bad to the point that I fantasize of dying one way or another just so I can stop feeling this bad. I was with MM for almost 2 years, we had to separate because he moved very far away with his wife (no children) at first, we were trying to make it work long distance but then every time they posted a picture on social media I would be a disaster and eventually he said it was too much. I just feel so helpless because since the beggining right after he knew he had me he was awful to me, he used to go to my apartment and right after sex he always said he had to leave, there were always signs but every time I tried to leave him he cried, yes tears and everything, and every time I went back. I put soo much effort, money, time in this “relationship”, I went all out for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, and he gave his bare minimum, so why do I miss him so much? His excuse for not leaving his wife was that she needed him financially and now is that they are living in a place where they have no else but each other. I just feel like such a loser because even though I know that he only used me (it was pretty obvious) and that he isn’t even trying to get back together I feel this incredible need to know about him, to hear from him. Before he left he said that when his wife got a stable job and a stable life he would tell her so we could be together, he said it would be two years tops, overtime (they left in July 2018) two years became 3 and then it became unknown, that’s when I flipped and cried and made a fool of myself over the phone to the point where he hung up on me. That was over two months ago,barely made it through the holidays, but two days ago I found out that his father passed away and felt that I needed to text him, he was nice, asked about how I was and said he would keep in touch. So now I’m just checking my phone 24/7 to see if he writes. And I feel like I just went back to day one when I missed an entire week off work because I couldn’t get out of bed. Do you guys think this is normal? Another thing is that MM could not spend a dime without his wife finding out so I paid for everything, meals, hotels, trips. It is so beyond me how someone could overlook all of this and just leave me behind like this.

    • Kelly

      Hi Mia,
      I totally feel for you. We’re all on here because we’re going through the same thing. It is not easy at all and I’m sure plenty of us have looked for a way out and thought about just endiy it all. But believe me this is not the answer, he is not worth your life, do you think he’d feel guilty if you did this, I think probably not. .we are all strong beautiful woman that have taken a wrong turn and fell in love or in my case lust with a MM.. try not to look at any social media and I’ve found the best thing is to listen to uplifting music nothing sad.. it helps me a lot.. I know you feel like your stomach and heart are aching but remember time will help, look after yourself and then in time a gorgeous man worthy of your love will come along and love you more than you will ever know, and he will treat you like a princess and Certainly pay his way. This other man just wanted his cake and eat it, like all the MM… keep in contact with this site and let us know how it goes. I’m still trying to end things with my Mm, but he’s like a drug that I can’t give up.. but I am trying. Lots of love. Kelly

  • Lynx

    Hi, so this is my first time actually using this site. I actually don’t know where to start. I’ve met this man a year ago through my best friend and her boyfriend I guess in a way the boyfriend was related to this man and we hung out a few times he told me he was married and didn’t love his wife, supposedly they married for legal purposes but he gave her two kids he must have obviously loved her at one point or maybe still loves her now. But I stopped talking to him for maybe 5-7 months I deleted his number got rid of everything that may remind me of him because I thought maybe he was using me for sex but I never gave him anything of any type I couldn’t stand to be the reason for someone to end there marriage or cause someone else pain because I decided to be selfish/develop feeling for someone I shouldn’t. Recently he got my number again and of course I replied because he is a great guy and I still like him but I just didn’t want to admit I still had feelings for him but we’ve hung out multiple times these past few weeks and gosh it was the best thing in the world I enjoy my time with him he keeps telling me he’s unhappy and he says he going to leave her but when? When will this happen? I know divorce is a process and that there are kids envoled but what about me? Why tell me all these things when you kicked her out but yet let her back into the house. You tell your wife you don’t love her anymore but the moment you let her go, you let her back into everything you tried to get rid of. Im probably the most stupid of them because I told him I love him and all he did was smile or smirked or whatever you want to call it. But it’s my fault, I should’ve known he has kids with her which means I stand no chance I should’ve never talked to him but I love him and just trying to leave him makes me sad and recently all I do is cry thinking about leaving him and I know sooner or later everything will explode in my face because his wife doesn’t deserve this he probably still loves her and just probably wants me on the side so he can have something that he won’t be able to ever have because I wouldn’t sleep with him I’m probably a challenge for him to accomplish. I guess in a way I deserve this I shouldn’t have expected him to leave her to be with me because what man would leave his wife and kids to be with a women you probably don’t even love

  • Young and Confused

    I haven’t visited this site for awhile but I’m feeling the need to vent! My current boyfriend (he’s 20 years old, I’m 21) has always been suspicious of my ex-MM (40 years old).. Ex-MM owns his own gym and he would always train me for free. In addition, I would stick around after my session for some one-on-one time. I met my current boyfriend right around the time all of that was going on. Of course I was very open with him and told him that I was attending this gym for free in exchange for an iPad I gave ex-MM to use at the gym (true story).. he caught on that I was spending well over an hour there each time which was kinda suspicious because most training sessions don’t last that long. He would also see snapchats show up on my phone from ex-MM. As soon as my boyfriend and I started dating I stopped sleeping with MM, however, I still attended his gym. On October 25th I randomly decided to go no-contact with ex-MM. Since then he has left me voicemails, sent emails to my school account, visited me at work, and I’m sure he drives by my house multiple times a week to see if I’m home (he previously told me that he did this often). I now have several security cameras all over the outside of my house to prevent him from coming to the front door/peeking through my bedroom window. Last night I was laying in bed with my boyfriend and he asked why I don’t go to that gym anymore.. I immediately got really nervous and defensive. I told him my free sessions expired but then he went on and said something like, “oh sure, I’m catching on to you. I bet you’ve been giving him favors for free training.. I’m not stupid you even told me he’s been having problems with his wife”. Yikes.. how on earth did he know??? I attempted to play it off cool and the conversation eventually ended. If anybody is still reading my rant, do you think I should confess everything to my boyfriend and beg for his forgiveness? In my defense, I never cheated on him since we’ve been dating and I’m not ever planning on it. But if I tell the truth he might think I’ll cheat on him in the future or that I’m disgusting for sleeping with a man sooo much older than me.. however, I think I would feel much more relieved to not keep such a big secret. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

    • Tricia

      Young &Confused . Well my advice is No don’t tell him !! Girl men don’t forget or forgive easily they will hold stuff over your head forever !!! Regardless of what they say !!! And plus he will think less of know matter what U say to him ! And he probably already don’t trust U because U told to much on yourself already . Once u deal with a married men ppl always think U are Hoe or Homewreaker ppl start to pre judge U before they know the story . Never tell a new men about past relationship because little do U know U sharing with him just what U deal with when U are in a relationship and he will try U because he feel welll U let the last man treat U this way !! I speak from experience. I wish U all the Best !!!!

  • Mimi

    After nearly a year, and his wife leaving him (not because of the affair), my MM, who professed love every day, called me his “soulmate, etc., introduced me to his son. He brought me to his house, cooked for me and introduced me to one of his sweet children. He had plans to introduce me to another one, and to also have me meet several friends whom he had already told about me, or so he said. He showed me around his house because he “planned to have me there more often.” And then, 4 days after introducing me to his child, he broke up with me. He asked to be “friends” and said that, with his wife leaving and their plan to divorce, “I see all these options in front of me that I cannot ignore.” Within 2 weeks, he said he had “met someone” new. I am also married, and didn’t intend to leave for him, but I am, nonetheless, devastated. That was 2 months ago.

    • Tricia

      Mimi. Married men never really end up being with the mistress after a divorce the relationship is not their reality . U cannot have a real relationship based on betrayal and lies because it didn’t start off right . Your married man was in a fastasy world with you and things started to look real to him he backed out he just want to enjoy the single life and honestly didn’t see a real future with you. I hope u find the strength and clarity to try to move on ! Stay Strong .

  • Mimi

    After nearly a year, and his wife leaving (not because of the affair), my MM took me to his home to meet his son. I didn’t want to – I am married myself and was not intending to leave – he introduced me to this sweet child. He cooked for me in his kitchen. Showed me “around” because he “planned on me being there in the future”. This is how intense he had become in the fantasy. “Love” was something we constantly said. Texting every day for nearly a year, mostly entire days. And then, 4 days after introducing me to his son, he sends a text, “can we be friends? I now see all of these opportunities in front of me that I cannot ignore.” To say I am confused and brokenhearted and angry is an understatement.

  • New Year New Me

    First and foremost I want to thank all of you ladies for this platform and sharing your stories. It has guided me through some of the toughest times. Long story as short as possible….I was married to a man who was having an affair on me. I got 2 beautiful kids out of it. I couldn’t stand the lies and manipulation so I got out. Well then I decided to stick myself in fire by falling in love with a married man. We sat right next to each other at work so we became very close. He was the pick me up through my divorce. We didn’t start our affair until we didn’t work together anymore (luckily!). I don’t know how some you do it working together. It has gone on for a year and half too long. Like many of you-we have gone on trips together, I’ve heard he’s going to leave her, we go through the roller coaster of not being able to do it and then we fall back. It’s exhausting to say the least. It has now gotten to the point where it is driving me to be a person I’m not. The constant racing thoughts and frequent crying is just too much. My heart breaks for all of you going through this. I firmly believe no contact is the best way. None of it is easy. There no easy ending. But your happiness needs to come first!!! Happy new year to you all and I hope you start it right for your sake! Keep your head up! You deserve better!

    • ANONYMOUS

      New year, new me. I too was married. I started a relationship with a married man, after my divorce. only because I didn’t want to have any strings attached. I’m still seeing him. His wife divorced him, not because of me but now he’s throwing shade like he wants out of the affair. He is also seeing another woman at work. She is alot younger than me.
      Any advice will be greatly appreachiated.
      It’s been a few months since we started dating though I really didn’t expect things to happen so fast.
      Now at work sometimes it’s like he don’t know me. It really hurts.

  • broken hearted...

    big hugs to all, praying for a good 2019 new year for all of us broken hearted mistress’s. My Ex-MM is gone forever from my life. he deleted me like I never existed, its time to move on. hugs to all.

  • K

    Been 2 weeks since I ended things with MM.
    He lives across the street from me.

    I feel so free now that I’ve started to detach myself from him. I asked God to help me see the situation for what t really was and all I know is that we accept the love we think we deserve. The truth is that we are awesome women, that what attracts them to us. But I believed this was better than nothing, that I would never find a passion so deep. But it’s all just emotions deceiving us. The best we can possibly do is not settle for a man that’s not available. I think for me, I need to deal with my own issues that made me grow attached to someone who couldn’t commit to me.

    I am happy !
    He lives across the street from me and has contacted me again but I said “ honestly, I don’t want to get back on this crazy ride.”

    He isn’t going to leave his wife.
    No matter how much they say they care,
    They won’t put their feet where their mouths are.

    You are worth more.
    Embrace the loneliness.
    Grow from the depths of sorrow
    These men don’t care ,
    They love the ride !
    Never intend on buying the car.

    Love you ladies.
    I pray we all see the truth and become free.
    I never want to become so entangled in something so destructive to my self worth and soul again.

    Keep praying.

    • Anonymous38

      You hit the nail right on head…I was wondering why am I so attached…why is it so hard to let go!! Im asking God what is it?!?! WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE!! WOW…so true…

      We need to work on loving ourselves in 2019…cuz once we love ourselves…we would never accept crumbs…

      • K

        Amen sister !!

        It’s hard to face the truth that if there wasn’t a void in us, we would never allow them the opportunity to fill it.

        I’ve grown so much from when I first started with mm. Now I let my thoughts entertain the idea when I get bored to call him but quickly another thought comes in..” you’ve made it out this far, you really gonna lock yourself back up in this mental prison?”

        Loneliness is one heck of a thing.
        Can make the best woman make the worst decisions.

        For me, right now, being alone is better than getting back in this endless cycle of mental warfare. I still think about him… I still look out my blind when he comes home. But I can’t get back on that illusion because now my mind has become stained with the truth. He doesn’t love me the way I deserve. I just don’t have time to waste in my life anymore building something that will never come to completion.

        Love and light 💡💛

  • Sarah

    To all the ladies who work with their MM – it was my last day at work today, i finally left. Although it was hard, i’m glad i did it. I doubt its the last i’ll hear from him but i just hope i remain strong and that not seeing him everyday helps me to get over him. Will keep you updated on whether leaving your job helps in this situation! Happy new year x

  • Anonymous38

    Its christmas…Im feeling emotional and jealous…scrolling through my news feed on Instagram…alot of families posting matching pajama pics by the tree…also my ex-mm wife posted as well…they look so perfect…all the families look perfect…when will it be my turn…sigh…

    • Julie

      Remember that people put all that effort into Xmas photos just to show the world how perfect they are. But we all know it’s not real. And you know, at least in your MMs case, that they are not a happy family. The husband running around with others does not make a perfect husband or a perfect family. So don’t let those photos depress you into thinking your life is any less than his. You’ve been saved from dealing with a man who finds it okay to sleep with two women at the same time, and when he can’t manage both he goes for the easier/safer option – back to the comforts of home. The grass is NOT greener on the other side.

    • Tricia

      Anonymous 38 . I read your story about your Ex Mm being your first . First we all make mistakes nobody perfect but remember A Rose Is still A Rose Sweetie ! Don’t let this Married Man experience make U feel less then who God made U to be Beautiful In His Eyes ! U are a young & vabriant woman and U will recover from this experience and love again and know how a first love really Is . Stay 💪

  • ANONYMOUS

    Anonymous 38. I REALLY feel if for you, God knows! Imagine he was your first. That selfish man took advantage of you!. I’m at a lost for words right now babe🤗🤗🤗
    He knew the relationship wasn’t going anywhere, yet he chose to be your first. I’m sure you told him that it was your first time.
    You know what, you can’t cry over spilled milk! A rouge will always be a rogue!!. This can only make you stronger. Stay blessed!

    Merry xmas! I pray you bring in the new year with the people you love and loves you back. You deserve it.

    • JJ

      He was at my house one night. She kept calling him. I told him he should go and he did. I don’t know what happened when he got home but she called me crying. I don’t know if he told her about me or she looked at his messages.

  • JJ

    Just ended an affair with a mm a few weeks ago. It ended because his wife found out. I know I’m a terrible person and I even told her how terrible I felt about it when she confronted me about it. I miss him like crazy. During the affair, I was a priority. He would spend all his free time with me. Even if he was exhausted from a double shift at work, he would come to my house for a few hours. We only had sex once. We mostly talked, laughed and kissed. Thats what I miss the most. He opened up to me and I opened up to him. Terrible situation I let myself get caught up in. I want to move on and live a self-loathing free life. I have asked God to forgive me. What I am grateful for are my non-judgmental friends. I think I’m still alive because of them.

  • Tricia

    How to avoid your Ex Mm at work . [1] Don’t look or Stare at him . With your loving Baby Come to Me Eyes .[2] Ignore him at all cost ! [3] Don’t be alone with him especially closed area ! [4] Don’t go out with friends who U know go out with him after work .Talking about I didn’t know he hang out with them really ? [5] Don’t go having a work meal with him .[6] Don’t play the Oh we can be friends catch up card No .[7] Don’t let him get close enough to U ! To breath all on your neck and rub your body ! Talking about it was just a accident really ? [8] Don’t accept No ride home from him talking about him was my only option really ? [7] Don’t get close to him either because they always smell Good ladies and u will start thinking about romance and how U can get a little .[8] Try not to go on Business Trips with him because U know what’s going to happen . [9] Keep it moving don’t look like your waiting for him to say something to U Oh they love that to. Now If all this seem to hard for U think of all the lies he told U and the disappearing acts and him Standing U up sometimes and Oh yeah I love my WIFE or I’m not having sex with her but I just Cannot leave for whatever Damn reason ! Think about all your lonely nights and days and him giving U the same gifts he Gives his wife too ! Think about when he ignores your calls and texts ! Think about him F other woman because chance are we aren’t their only mistress or lover ! And finally think about him at home with his wife and children laughing watching T.V together and making love to his wife while your alone thinking of him ! Ladies these men are full of shit ! And if U meet a man and he to sweet and nice U Better wonder if it’s Damn Good !! We all care about these men but they are not worth the love and devotion we have for them . Stay Strong and Blessed !!

    • Just got carried away

      Do you sit with him and how long has the affair Been going on ? It’s hard but you have to try and avoid him and not get into any work emails ! I ignored mine as he gave me the silent treatment over jealously and expected me to chase him but not this time so he emailed me stuff about work but could have not

  • K

    Update *

    MM who lives across the street from me went out of town to work the winter storm. I thought, this is the perfect opportunity to make my escape. I changed my phone number and didn’t speak to him for a week. I deactivated all my social media so he couldn’t contact me. Yesterday I saw him come home. It’s so hard knowing he’s right across the street from me. (He works here during the week and goes home on weekends. I was worried about him all week being out in the storm. I couldn’t resist I needed to say goodbye and end things in a way I felt at peace (or maybe I’m just a crack addict and I needed my fix of him one more time) anyways he came over and told me he has fallen in love with me and he doesn’t know what to do. I know he’s falling in the idea of love with me because it’s not real. He says I make him question everything he wants in life. Please tell me your stories that your mm said the same thing and how he acted afterwards. It’s odd because we have only been intimate once. He says it’s far more than sex and that if that’s all he wanted he would of left. The people in my life now know about my affair and they are disappointed in me, wondering how I could ever let this happen. No one on his side knows about it. If shame and guilt could of kept me away…. I would of. I’ve prayed and prayed but I’m so weak when it comes to him. It’s hard to have no contact when he lives right there across from me. I don’t really have the option to move so I’m trying to figure out how to navigate this where it’s no hard feelings but we both can move on with our lives.

    Any advice or kind words of understanding would be greatly appreciated.

    I know that I am in this just as much as he is, so the blame lies on me too. The hard part is that I know that he is a good person. But he too is lonely and looking for the same companionship I seek. It’s a sick sick cycle and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Once your plugged into these men, it’s a vicious fight trying to get free.

    People don’t understand. But you girls understand. We are bonded through our emotional prison that we find ourselves in. The hold that these relationships have on us is relentless to give up. Even when we don’t contact them , we are thinking of them, wondering if they are thinking of us too. It’s a war that’s hard to win once you have let someone in so much.

    Just the simple fact that there are women out there who understand what I am going through and don’t judge me….. I’m thankful.

    • Julie

      K – I feel you. I don’t know how I would resist if my MM was that close to me. Thank god he is thousands of miles away. Yet his hold on me is not any less. I am okay and can survive if he doesn’t contact me but when he does I have not been able to resist falling back into the trap. So I know how you feel. But I don’t have much to say except that when you really want to end it, you will know how. Till then it’s a struggle between the body, mind and soul. Take care

      • K

        Today we both agreed to walk away peacefully and on a positive note. No drama or big fight. I hope this stays on the right track. I’m at peace with it since we both agreed to go our separate ways.
        I hope he will respect my wishes and not contact me anymore.

    • Tricia

      K. Honey U got a real delimma ! Ask god to give U clarity and the strength to walk away when the time comes . Hopefully he will move and that might give U some relief. 🙏🏾

      • K

        Thank you girl!

        He slept over last night and this morning we agreed to go our separate ways and to move on. I believe and hope that he will respect my wishes and also that I am strong and will not cave in. We have never agreed to walk away so perhaps I am really done this time. I really want to be . I want to have a normal relationship that doesn’t involve so much shame and guilt and frustration.

        Much love sis 💛

        • Tricia

          K . Girl good luck did that 2 months ago me and my ExMm slept together only I didn’t know it was going to be the last time !! But I miss him I know him leaving hurt like hell but deep down Inside it was for the best . I drove past his office wanting to cry “Oh did I tell it’s up the street where I live ! I wanted to wish him a Happy Holiday . But I’m leave it alone somedays I just don’t know what to do with myself if I knew what the future held looking back I would’ve never got involved with him . K Stay strong sister .

  • Tricia

    Anonymous. I’m hanging In there I still think about him all the time thou but I’m so tired of wanting him and wanting a phone call I give Up !! I knew he was married he never lied to me nor ever disrespected his wife to me we never talked about his wife but once early on in our relationship so I don’t blame him or hate him because yes I did allow this affair but when we first met he came on very strong he use to come over my house several time we talk and I would turn him away he talked about trips and everything . Eventually he became a good friend or Ear when I need to vent or talk as I was going through so much back then and I was lonely my Ex wasn’t treating me right .I wasn’t intimate with my Mm until 2 after we first met I never really truly thought he wanted a full affair just sex over time my feelings deepen for him I thought I couldn’t handle my feelings for him but I can’t and he know so I think that’s is why he slowly leave because he don’t want thing’s to get out of hand? I have no ill will toward his wife nor do I have a desire to try to replace her I know the deal I just wanted his attention sometimes. My point is yes most of us know the man Is married but these men to me Prey and take advantage of weak and vulnerable women who desperately seek love and attention and when U are In a dark place In your life and someone gives U what U so desperately crave your mind say No this Is not right but your body say otherwise .The temptation Is very hard especially when there Is a strong sexually chemistry between U two so what most of us think we love him It’s probably just lust ? Most of us just find ourselves caught up into something we never thought we would be In so we got to find ourselves again and try to get untangled from this married men situation because we really didn’t know the reality of what we got ourselves into. But ladies forgive yourself God knows your Heart and He already Forgave U .Anonymous Stay Strong and Thank You !

    • ANONYMOUS

      Hi Tricia. Glad to know that you’re still “hanging in there” You go girl!
      Well see she’s too far away for me to put a restraining order against her. He’s the only person I can call to tell her to stop calling, and i’m not going to do that, because that’ll be opening up that door for him to come back into my life! hell no!
      Let me share with you how I met my MM. I’m going to try to make a long story short!.

      We met while I was in Jamaica, doing a photoshoot. He was on the beach, while I was doing my shoot. After the shoot he came up to me and struck up a conversation. Shortly after I told him that we had to head back to the hotel. I got on the bus, we went our separate ways.

      The following day there was a knock on the hotel door one of the girls got up to answer it then she said “why is the police at our room door? She asked though the door if there is a problem and I heard a voice saying “No I’m here to see Kay” she then looked through the peephole and said “Oh that’s the dude from the beach!”.
      I never told him which hotel I was staying at so I quickly asked how did he find Me?
      His reply was ” I’m a police so I know everything” I replied asking ” really, then why is it so much crime here, if you knows everyhing, then you should know when and where they’ll be at” we both laughed. He then asked if I could leave the hotel and go out with him. Now, I did not know him from a hole in the wall so of course I declined. We chatted, outside the hotel door for over an hour then he left. I did not give him my number, he didn’t ask for it either.
      We left Jamaica 2 days later. 2 months after he came to my Island to work, as a police officer, which he did tell me that he was in the process of moving to my Island.

      He found out where I lived, on island because he showed up at my door, he told me things about me, so I knew he done his “homework” This time he asked for my number and for me to go out on a date with him. We went out on several dates then things got serious. I thought that it was a promising “relationship” I moved into his apartment with him. This man treated me like a queen! He would cook and bring food to the bed room, give me the best massages, iron my clothes, pop up at my job just to kiss and tell me that he’s in love with me. He even went overseas with me to do my photoshoots because he was afraid that someone would see me a like me. This man even washed my underwears! He would go the the supermarket and purchase my sanitary pads. I mean I didn’t have to wait for Valentine’s day to come for him to treat me.
      I went back to Jamaica with him……..to meet his entire family. Not one of them had the audacity to pull me aside to inform me that he was married. Imagine that!. I found out from his coworker, who’s also Jamaican but at that time I was head over heels for him!. He’s a very deceptive man.
      I confronted him, to which he replied I never asked and he did not think it was necessary to say because the marriage was “on the rocks”. Right then and there I realized that he took my choices away from me! I was frauting like alka seltzer at this point!. not to mention the emotions that I was feeling. I immediately packed my belongings and moved back home. Did I continue to see him? I sure did! But I gave him the cold shoulder for a couple of days. After I calmed down we had a conversation, and until this day in not sure if what he told me was the truth! but I can only say what he told me! He said at that time, they’ve been living apart for 4 years, She’s been living in NYC from 2010 to present and he married her in 2003. He went on to say that he loves his wife very much, as she is the mother of his child, but he’s in love with me. He said he liked that I don’t go through his phone, I would invite him places, and would say or do “stupid” things to make him laugh. He said there’s something about my eyes when I’m upset just turns him on.. I continued to see him for 7 months!.

      We all deal with betrayal differently, for me I worked overtime and spent more time with my family. Until today they don’t know the reason we broke up. I’m too ashamed to tell them.

      • Tricia

        Anonymous. I forgot to ask u how long has it’s been since U and your Ex Mm been apart ? I bet U mesmerizied him Girl !! U make me wanna slap my Ex Mm down !!! 😜

        • ANONYMOUS

          Tricia. The 28th of this month will be 5 months since I broke it off with him.
          Truth be told he really don’t try to contact me directly. He told me that he is sorry and knows that I deserves to be happy.
          Don’t entertain the thought of slapping your ex MM, that’s giving him way too much control over your life!. Just avoid the low-life even if he tries to contact you!
          There’s ALWAYS better for us out there! we are ALL GREAT BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, who can and WILL get better. Why? because we are like a great tasting bottle of wine, the older we get, the sweeter we become!.
          I love the fact that he is thousands of miles away.
          Time is longer than rope, their day will catch up on them.
          In closing for all those who are still sleeping with a MM please protect yourself because if he’s cheating with you, he’ll cheat on you.
          When I think of how I gave my body to him so freely, not knowing he was married I am truly thankful that I did not contract anything from him… can you believe he never ever left to go overseas his wife neither did she visit him, Which is so strange to me. I mean I can’t recall her calling either, It’s either one of two things: he had another phone that I didn’t know about or he called her when he was at work. After all he was working shifts. Very seldom he would come home late! For example when his shift ended at 3pm he would be home with in 15 minutes. Then again he would be off for 4 days straight, while I was at work. He must’ve called her then but never have I heard him talking to her bcuause i’m certian that at some point in their conversation he wpuld tell her he love her. I knew the password to his phone and he knew mines. Honestly, I rate him to the max because he made sure to cross his T’s and dot his I’s . I’m telling you, he is the best there is. This man gives the word cheater a whole new meaning! He really took me for a ride. But I dont hate him I thank him for making me see the reality of life and because of him I have a new approach on life. I am only 28 years old, with a lot more to learn.
          Stay strong!

      • anonymous

        wow…anonymous…your situation is deep…you met his family!?!? thats serious…my ex-MM also met my family….smh…dont know what to say about these married that go so deep with their mistresses….Did they really love us? Do they still love us? who knows!
        my ex-MM would refer to my mom has mother in-law…they would sit and just chat while I would be doing other things around the house…if his wife only knew how serious my relationship was with her husband she would divorce him…it wasnt just physical…I think thats why it was so hard for me to let him go…but now IM DONE!!!

        • ANONYMOUS

          Yep, I meant his entire family! His sister still calls me her sister-in-law. They made it abundantly clear that they do not care for his wife, because she disrespected his mother by slapping her in the face and calling her a b**ch.
          The thing is I still communicates with his mother and sisters, under the condition that we do not talk about him and they respect that!.
          I told him that some day, someone will do his daughter the same thing he done to me! It’s called karma!.
          His mother invited me to Jamaica for a family reunion but in all honesty I don’t see where I will fit in. To me, that’s disrespect to his wife, although neither him or her will be there. But in this case, further distance better friends.
          Did your mother know that he was married? If she did, did she condemn or condone?.
          Not judging just asking.

          • Anonymous38

            No my mother didnt know he was married at first…but after a while..I did tell her that he’s involved with someone else…she never judged..but she never wants to hear his name EVER AGAIN!!! she doesnt like him after I told her that…

            I read one of your post about using protection…he and I stopped using after 6 to 8 months…he can trust me..but Im sure I cant trust him…

            Btw he was my first and only…

    • Tricia

      Anonymous. Your story is heartbreaking ! He represented his self like he was available know he wasn’t he totally was wrong he deceived U and by the time he decided to tell the truth it was to late 😪. Now u got wife harassing U poor girl please don’t this experience ruin your other relationship with men In the future . I hope everything work out for U ! Stay Blessed !

  • Hayley

    It upsets me that I allowed myself to be used. It upsets me that I allowed myself to be second choice, it upsets me that I believed he was my soul mate & best friend, it upsets me that I allowed the anxiety of it all to make me a bad parent, it upsets me that I thought he was better than me, it upsets me that I let him into so much of my life, it upsets me that his life is fine and dandy without me in it, it upsets me that she thinks her husband is delightful, it upsets me that he’s respecting my wishes and not contacting me even though it’s the right thing, it upsets me that he isn’t even bothered I’m gone (probably), it upsets me that he made me weak, it upsets me that he got one over on me, BUT most of all it upsets me that even though I’m moving on I’m having massive trouble forgiving myself !! I feel so stupid & almost hate myself this week!
    I guess its probably all part of the grieving process.. anyway I Just needed a rant. Much love ladies x

    • Xxx

      Hayley, you are the strongest one here, take it as a huge compliment and motivation not to think like that. I read a lot on NPD and my mm is in every sentence of it. It made me shocked and speechless even though i recognized all the red flags. But it also made me think of my own sanity for falling into the whole drama. I am sure that your mm will reappear but can’t wait for the update how you dumped him! Much love!

  • ANONYMOUS

    Come on ladies, I’m not going to sugarcoat this for anyone I’m going to lay it down straight for us all.
    While we’re here sharing all our emotions, myself included. I refuse to pull the “victim” card any longer! The real victims here are their wives and kids! NOT US!!! These are not our personal men and the majority of the time we knew these were married men and “we” still chose to date them! I knew from the beginning that mines had a wife, but that was not my business all I wanted was him… We need to assume our fair share of the responsibilities.
    No matter how much they wine, dine and grind us, at the end of the day they are going back home to their wife and kids!. we put ourselves in this position. I think I’m correct by saying that hardly anyone or no one knew that we were seeing a MM.
    Now that we decided that we want to move on, in separate directions from these MM, for whatever reasons, it’s really not right for us to bash their wives in no way shape or form! We need to remember that “she’s the wife and we are just the “side chicks” who the MM guy friends looks at and says to him “I wouldn’t mind a piece of her” and they’ll both laugh!.
    We have just as much blame here as the MM!. So if a wife want to express her emotions through IG leave her, there’s really no need to comment on that, she have feelings too and again she’s the wife, we express ours this and they can do the same what ever way they chose!. no matter what he tells you, the wife “runs the show”!.
    Can anyone reply and tell me if a MM have ever left their wife for any of us? Because I’m still waiting for my MM to leave his wife for me. It’s NOT going to happen!. He will tell you that she’s the most hateful person in the world and that she don’t or can’t sex him good when in reality all he wants is a thrill because he can’t even sleep over. But HE IS NOT GOING TO LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR ANY OF US! To them, their wives are rare treasure that’s why we are kept hidden like fools. They are afraid to lose what they have at home! To them we are just sex partners. So don’t make him tell you otherwise, because mouth can say anything, when you learn to talk!.
    I know a lot of you will respond with negitave remarks but at the end of the day it is what it is we are part blame here!
    Who here would really want to be the “wife” position? Let’s be honest.
    We are the ones who lost here, not the wives!. I gave up 5 years of my life, that I can’t get back, for a MM. So 13 years is so long it’s like you guys were married. But you WILL GET OVER HIM!!! I decided to end it off because I realized that I was not his priority I was just a mare option, a good sex partner, someone he could’ve lay his problems on, his fool, someone he had to hide and the list goes on. You ladies know how that goes. So let’s be strong wake up and tell yourself YOU ARE WORTH MUCH MUCH MORE THAN ALL OF THE ABOVE. No one can do that for you only you!
    And remember ONLY BOYS CHEAT! REAL MEN CHERISH, ADORE AND RESPECT THEIR WIVES!
    While I know and completely understands that it’s going to be hard to let go WE MUST because none of us would like to be a wife and have our husbands cheating on us.
    Trust in GOD HE will see us all through this. It’s not the end of the world!. All it is, is just “fancy touching” nothing more!..

    • Sarah

      Anonymous- i agree with this 100%. A lot of us here are always bashing the MM and making our selves sound like the victims. A lot of us have grown to hate the wives but why? What have they done to us? Just because they met, fell in love and married the MM before we got the chance doesn’t give us a right to hate them.. Yes the MM is a horrible pr**k but we’re no victims either. Like you said, we all knew he’s married yet we still chose to walk this path. In my case i keep going back even though he continuously hurts me and i’m sure a lot of you do the same. Its hard getting over them but we can’t just sit here and place all the blame on the MM, when we are also to blame.

    • Tammy

      So my story is 3yrs going but as of late the last 4 months I am unsure of how I truly feel any more n he’s actually making changes. Each time I pull away he makes a change and I am not so sure I want this wt him anymore?! I am just standing back more watching waiting because obviously actions are more than words!! It’s been off n on for over 3yrs, he does just enough to keep me in his life. Basically he’d never leave his situation if he could keep me as well but last yr he separated by moving in wt a friend after I cut off all communication. He didn’t file for divorce or get his own real place till I cut off all communication again 9 months later n he realized I wasn’t going to come around unless he was moving forward for real. Now it’s been 3 months since he filed n nothing has moved forward cause she controls him even when he has stepped out of the relationship because of the children, they have a toddler together n have been married for 5 yrs, the other 2 are hers and are 18 n 20 but he pays all their bills. He seems to think because he’s filed paper work I should be thrilled but he hasn’t pushed her to answer the divorce papers n she ignores them cause he just continues to pay everything, he hates conflict obviously n in his mind this should keep me happy n wt him even though he’s truly not free to be wt me. Ladies please get out as soon as you can n not waste any more time n certainly not yrs!! I am at the point that it’s taken so long for him to make any moves n there have been so many promises broken, he told me he was leaving over 2yrs ago!! Do I want to deal wt her n pay her bills since she refuses to work n deal wt older children that uses him for money as well? Do I trust him when he tells me he’s still working, a little part of me wonders which I hate that feeling even though he has been where he says he is but the tiny thought is still there ladies!! I love him but I am not head over heals like I was before n I hate that too! Since he’s technically still married I feel no real commitment n I have not let him into my children’s lives or my family. He’s met only a couple of friends but I am tired of not being able to tell the truth to those I love n I feel omission is the same as lying. His family does not know of me of course! Please do not do this to yourselves!! I wish I had left n not looked back because I put myself in this position!! Be strong n move on, we all deserve men that truly want us not just keep us on the side n still can’t commit to us!

  • Tricia

    Well ladies It’s been 2 months since I saw my Ex Mm and a couple of weeks since I decided to go N/C with him .I got tired of always calling him first I felt like If he wants me or care he’ll call no he haven’t !! I do miss him but I don’t think I ever loved him ? We would have sex and he go silence or disappear on me and he’s words were kind but his actions spoke for it’s self and I got tired of feeling used I always knew I deserved better but he was everything to me. Lately my mind had me thinking he just replaced me ? Maybe so but It don’t matter he’ll end up dumping her too !! I remember when my late father told me [ Tricia would U give your hard earned money away ? I said No ! And he said Treat your Body The Way U Value Your Money ! ] And I just thought Of that and I’m going to start to love myself more and Valuing myself and not putting to much thought into having a man ! I don’t know what the future holds but having a affair wasn’t a shining moment In my life . It’s a slow process ladies but I’m getting there I have my weak and lonely days but I’m Be Ok !! Stay Strong Ladies xoxo !!

  • S

    Hi, has been so nice to read all of your comments and similar stories. My MM is 22 yrs older than me and in a higher position at work. His dad has dementia and probably won’t be around much longer. Often feel like am being used as a distraction or a band aid to make him feel better after dealing with family/work shite. Says he loves me, but everything is on his terms, like when we meet, I have to accept if he isn’t free, but if I’m not free to meet, he says I’m being unsupportive. When its good its good, but when its bad, its horrible and exhausting. Don’t know what I want, or if I even want to get out of relationship. Any advice would be amazing. x

    • YoungAndConfused

      Hi S, my MM is 20 years older than me and I can relate to almost everything you said! One day something clicked inside my head and I haven’t talked to him since. I actually found myself a nice (and single) boyfriend.. this pissed off MM and I think it made him realize what it’s like to be the second option 🙂 Don’t let this man hold you back! Trust me, it’s not worth it!!

  • Katie C.

    An update as I haven’t visited in a while. Short recap: I had an intense affair with mm who ghosted me with no explanation.

    After about a month, he contacted me. I caved. It’s been up and down since. A few secret rendezvous, phone calls here and there, several texts a week. He still will sometimes go 10 days or so with no contact. He seems to do this after we’ve had sex. Guilt maybe? Idk. We talked for 48 minutes on the phone a couple of nights ago. He said things that melted my heart. I’m such a sucker for him. I love him and can’t stop myself. I have other options as there are other single pursuers But I don’t want them. I keep thinking my feelings will fizzle out, but I’m nowhere near that point. I’m working on self-love, but the more I do that, the more I seem to attract mm into my life. I don’t see him in person that much. Maybe twice a month. I may see him this weekend. I know he loves his wife of 33 years as well he should. I feel guilty, but for me he’s like being hooked on crack. I’m addicted.

    He told me he loved me a few weeks ago during one of our face to face encounters. That was a dream come true. But he went onto vanish from my life for 11 days after that and has not said those words since. But we have not been face to face since that time and we’ll probably see each other this weekend.

    I’m so conflicted. I know this is wrong, and I don’t want to hurt his family, but I love him and can’t seem to help it. Going a month with zero contact didn’t stop the feelings as they came right back the minute he called. As I said, I’m waiting for my own feelings to fizzle out or get tired of sneaking around and not being able to love him openly. Surely I’ll tire of not being #1 in his life. Surely.

    • Hayley

      Katie C – and this is why no contact needs to be forever. Those feelings will never go away whilst you are allowing the contact. Sorry but it’s the truth and yeah it hurts like a bitch but needs to be done.
      You open up contact you are agreeing to a life of a second choice mistress, if you are ok with that then fine but I don’t think any of us here are fine with it.
      It doesn’t matter what he says.. he’s keeping you hooked and his fall back girl but he will never ever change his situation even if you think he will. He’s already disrespecting you by ghosting on you. Stop having sex with him no matter what kind words he says.. that’s all they are, words. Actions is what you need and you see him very rarely. Cancel this weekend please.
      The choice is yours but I know what I chose cause it was no longer good enough for me and it shouldn’t be for you too. Also when you stick to no contact it becomes easier eventually you just have to ride it out for months first but it will get better.
      Don’t accept this arrangement. And yeah you will get to that point where you have enough like I did but I also know that I’m in danger of falling back into it at anytime and this is exactly why no contact needs to be forever.. unless he comes knocking with his divorce papers in hand that is. In the meantime I can’t continue it knowing he’s probably secretly laughing at me cause he’s managed to manipulate me into thinking that he loves me when the truth is he’s telling that exact same thing to the woman he is committed too.
      Balls to that!! Stay strong beautiful x

    • Julie

      As you say it’s just like a drug and drug addiction doesn’t fizzle out on its own. The longer you stay the deeper the addiction becomes and the harder it is to get out unharmed. 8 years and a lot of heartaches later I am still in the same place I was a year into it…no matter how sh**ty he treats me I can very easily fall again for the sweet words and empty promises. Trying to stay strong this time. Monthly hormone fluctuations don’t help!! I feel you but hope you find the strength to put yourself first.

    • Tricia

      Kate C. I know how U feel my Mm was the same way but I just got tired of the Back and Forth stuff one minute everything was all good between us [So I thought ? ] the next minute he will slowly disappear and I’ll be calling until I was like forget this I’m done he would say nice thing’s too but it wasn’t enough I’m tired of wondering just tired !! Kate U are attracting married men we U become Ok or comfortable with being the OW it’s like that sends a signal to other married men [ yeah I’m Ok with being the side chick ! ] And here come all the available men ! U are doing yourself an injustice staying with him I know it’s hard to walk away I Pray that God Give U the Strength U need to Move On Sweetie …..

  • Xxx

    Girls, I actually wanted to ask you if you believe that all those MM have some b-cluster disorder? Ive started informing myself more about manipulation and narcissism, because I discovered a pattern in my mm’s behaviour – hot and cold showers of coming around as the most loving person and then suddenly dumping me with the stickers of me being crazy, idiot and so on. This happens usually before he reunites with the wife or if there is another target around. I wasn’t lazy to sit and write down a 4 page-overview with different phases of these switches that occurred overtime. It is amazing how it works every time the same with all the ten phases I had! I had recognized all of these on time but I consciously decided not to take it more seriously because I was so indulged in his game that I couldn’t find a way out. What I learned is that those manipulators choose good looking, ambitious, inteligent and positive women as a target in order to boost their egos for having such persons in their life. They turn them into their huge and addictive fans, but since they get bored easily and need more adrenalin, they again start behaving totally opposite. I had my mm recently coming around just to check if i am still his source of admiration. I don’t know about you, but I have a sort of trauma from this whole experience and is not easy to recover. But it helps to write down all these and remind myself everyday of the reality of his manipulation whenever I get weak. Another thing, I really don’t think he loves his wife either, or any other man of this kind. It is just a safe harbour for him and his property and triumph – having family, the wife who will be there when all the others get away and to keep children with him. Because after all, they do love children. I guess we all know this, but it is still amazing for me that someone could have no regrets about the possible victims he makes on his way.

  • anonynmous38

    My ex-mm wife was also pregnant when he and I were sleeping together unprotected..he never told me…I actually saw it in a dream.One day I asked him…he said yes..imagine how she would feel if she found out he was sleeping with me while she was pregnant?!?!…and she makes their relationship to looks so perfect on social media…I wonder if she has a clue….

  • Hayley

    Sarah – omg! My MM wife was also 8 months pregnant when I left that job and I was so glad I wasn’t around for when the baby arrived and I had to hear all about it with any luck you will be gone by then.
    trust me do not give into him it is definelty for the best. And no it won’t stop him, my ex MM son is now 12 and he’s still been around.. (well he was until I kicked him to the curb) it will be a distraction for a while until his wife pays more attention to the baby than him. And well done for handing in your notice, onwards and upwards to much much better things.. leave with him the crappy nappies. Good riddance. You are doing the right thing I promise and tough if he misses you… HA!! . he doesn’t deserve you. Good luck x

    • Sarah

      Hayley – omg really!? Did your MM stop the affair after the baby was born? Or did he just continue? I hear once they have a child they just get worse.

      my MM kept it a secret until the manager blurted it out to everyone at work one day, his wife was 6 months pregnant by this point. And yes i know exactly what you mean, other colleagues keep asking him whether he’s excited about the baby coming and whether him and the wife have thought of any names yet – i have to listen to it all and that just kills me. Thats one of the reasons i’m leaving, it would just get a whole lot worse being there once the baby was born.

      Thank you. I just need to remain strong and not give in xx

    • Hayley

      Anonymous38 – download “Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri, have a strong drink, then smash the glass against the wall (yes I actually did this) then buy ‘the no contact rule’ book on your kindle. Cry a little or a lot.
      Then.. finish with a lovely hot shower, put on a little Bruno Mars, dance around your kitchen like no one is watching and finish off with some Netflix.. anything light hearted (I watched all the first series of Friends again..
      ‘Crazy ex girlfriend’ is hilarious too it became my new obsession).
      Take care of yourself.. get it out of your system.. Then say “no more”!!! and turn the attention back to you..
      It becomes easier I promise. Hang in there and be kind to yourself always always always.
      Trust me.. you can’t be lonely when you have all this to fill your time beautiful lady. You can get through this. X

  • Painfully hurt

    Hi I’m so glad I found this page. I’ve been seeing MM for a year and 3 months. We broke up with me yesterday, after being away together for 5 days. We seen each other for 6 months and he told me he wanted to be with me as he had fallen in love. I had completely fallen in love with him too. He separated from his wife for 6 months and moved into a flat. He went through couples therapy but told me it was the rooted ties and family life that was keeping them together. We speak for hours a day , and see each other as much as we can. We have been on holidays and such special times. Our physical relationship is unlike anything either of us have had. He told me he’s never shared so much of him self with anyone.

    He moved back home to try and resolve what’s going on. He says he loves her but not like the way he loves me. He said he can’t see my anymore while he’s married, and I just feel like an idiot for believing we could ever be together. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and discarded. He wants to message and talk but I feel I need to do NC. I feel sick and so so sad. He was like my best friend and I miss him so much already. I’m struggling to function and know one knows how I feel.

    • Findingmyway

      I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I think your idea to go no contact is a good one. If he keeps in contact with you you will not be able to heal and it will continue to torment you. When you are feeling horrible and missing him, renember he ssid he still loves his wife even if it is “different”. That tells you something very important. He will likely stay no matter what. This could drag on for years of misery for you as it has done for me only to find out he will never leave no matter what he says. The fact he moved out seemed encouraging but it appears the couples therapy has changed his mind in some way so there must be something he wants to salvage there.. At least he is being honest with you. But you will never be able to grieve and get over this if you stay in contact.

  • YoungAndConfused

    “..the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference; for at a minimum, to love or hate someone is to have intense emotions toward them.”

    If you continue to hate your ex-MM then I don’t think it will ever be possible to fully move on. If anybody reading this hates their MM, I challenge you to think of them as indifferent/irrelevant.

  • Hayley

    Cut contact, doing really well, roughly around 7 weeks now and not even counting (good sign) but I’ve seen his wife around 3 times in 2 weeks!! How odd!
    I’m putting it down to Christmas shopping and people being out more than usual at the moment.
    Anyway I know it’s just coincidence but needed to share it with someone.
    Oh and his wife also set up a new insta profile open to the public where she is posting pictures of her most amazing husband.
    She never found out about us but she saw some messages 14 years ago and suspected.. she also seems to know a hell of alot about me as well which I assumed he must have told her! He sweared he didn’t!! Errmmm. It would seem I was still topic of conversation in their household.
    But anyway.. I shouldnt be looking I know, I know ladies but it’s human nature right?.. he looks stupidly handsome (ggrrrr) and she looks quite pretty on the pics but it doesn’t make me feel jealous I just think it’s funny and quite sad. Also find it very odd the new profile dedicated to him and the fact I keep seeing her around!
    Just thought I would share.. otherwise ladies I’m feeling strong and better than I have in a long time.
    Life is good.
    Stay strong beautifuls x

    • Tricia

      Hayley. Your Ex Mm wife sound very insecure about her marriage to set up a page dedicated to him open to the public really ? It’s not that serious ! Everybody who know them knows their married she a mess and he made her that way . U dodge a bullet with him be Thankful . Stay Strong.

  • Sarah

    Question for all of you who met their MM at work – do you think if we left work and didn’t have to see the MM everyday the situation would get better? Is there anyone on here who this has worked for? I work with the MM and I’m contemplating quitting my job to get away from him but i feel he would still find ways to contact me

    • Christine

      Sarah, my MM is my boss. We were together for over 5 years. He broke it off with me and is now with a 27 year old girl in our office. I am 53 and so is he. He told me I was his first affair and would be his only. He is a complete fraud. I was so in love with him, I got a divorce after 20 years of marriage.

      I know it would be better for me to leave my job, but I get paid great money and it’s 2 minutes from my house. My job allows me to leave work early to go watch my son play sports. I can’t give that up. If you could leave your job, I really think you should.

      It’s been 8 months and I still cry sometimes but it is definitely for the best. He was never going to be mine.

      • Sarah

        Christine he sounds like an awful guy. I know you say you can’t leave your job but it must be horrible to have to see them both together at work all the time.

        Hayley – when did you leave and how long have you had no contact with him? yes i’ve been thinking about it all weekend, i’ve decided i’m going to hand in my resignation at work tomorrow. The only problem is that i know he’s definitely going to seek me out even after i’ve left. I just hope i don’t crumble and fall for his sh*t again.

        • Hayley

          Sarah – it was 13 years ago we worked together when we were made redundant we lost contact (I wasn’t in love with him back then) so I found it easy and for the best. I moved on, got married myself and 5 years later he reappears saying he had been looking for me since we left our jobs!!
          I’m glad we rekindled the second time though cause it gave me the strength to leave my unhappy marriage but of course he never did. I didn’t end it for him though.
          He would disappear and reappear and I always let him in.. only this last time he showed up he wasn’t going anywhere this time and I fell hard for him. Inevitable really!!
          Anyway it’s been about 7 weeks now… in fact I’m not even counting anymore.. he always said ‘we will always have unfinished business’ so yeah I’m sure he will reappear at some point but for now he is ‘respecting my wishes’
          If he does come back again though he will be met with a bolted door as he’s really hurt me this time.
          So yes, leave if you can.. I couldn’t handle working with him again. Not now. I’m glad he’s not around and it helps me to move on even though I do see his name pop up on paperwork in my office.. gggrrr but I’d rather that than his face!
          Good luck.

          • Sarah

            Hayley – Wow 13 years is a long time. Yes i don’t think this is the last you’ll hear from him, he’ll probably show up again soon just to make sure you’re not over him. I hope you continue to stay strong though and don’t let him back.

            I handed my resignation in on Monday and will be leaving at the end of this month. Since then, the MM has been glued to me at work, asking me not to leave and telling me how much he’ll miss me. Worst thing is his wife is 8 months pregnant – horrible i know! I wonder if he’ll stop once she has the baby? Deep down it breaks my heart that i’m leaving and am never going to see him again but i know this is the right move.

        • Christine

          Sarah he is a complete fraud. He tries to be friends with me, but I told him he is disgusting and I can’t look at him. It makes me so sad to think that I gave my whole heart to this man who lied to me for over 5 years. God only knows how many women he has been with. I pray to God he gets caught one day. He is a true narcissist. I have never been so hurt in my life.

          I wasn’t happy in my marriage for many years. I probably shouldn’t have even gotten married, but I do have two beautiful kids and my ex- husband are good friends. He actually confides in me about the women he dates and asks my opinion.

          It kills me to see my mm with this young girl. I warned her to be careful that he’s a liar, but she isn’t going to listen. He is a great sweet talker and lies his way out of everything.

          He has everyone on his life believing he is a great husband, father and Christian. He preaches to the kids at his church. He used to tell me God knows what’s in our heart and he will forgive us. He did Always tell me he couldn’t leave his wife because they had just adopted a 10 year old boy. He is now 16. That is the only thing he didn’t lie about.

          I just have to go to work everyday and pray for strength. He has destroyed my self esteem and Changed the person I was before this all started. I just have to keep fighting to get the real me back.

          I’m so sad at times, but o know in time I will be fine. I’m definitely better than I was a couple months ago.

          • Sarah

            Christine – don’t be friends with him he doesn’t deserve your friendship. He sounds like an absolute A-hole.

            Unfortunately i feel as long as you keep seeing him at work, the harder its going to be for you to get over him and move on.

            Times a great healer, hopefully you’ll come out of this stronger x

    • Hayley

      Sarah – I worked with him best thing that ever happened was being made redundant I managed to move on and forget all about him.
      Unfortunately he had other ideas and actively seeked me out several occasions ever since.
      Now I’m in no contact yet again (and won’t be going back again trust me) I am so glad I don’t have to see him at work.
      If you want to move on seriously move on then yes I agree you need to find another job and start a fresh away from him.

    • Confused

      Not only am I seeing a MM, he’s my boss and I’m also married. We’re great friends and professionally have overcome some very stressful hurdles together in the post couple of years. After many many months of harmless flirting, we ended up at a conference out of town together and after a few drinks, one thing led to another. We’ve spent time together a few times since then but not much as his wife keeps him to a very strict curfew! We’ve both been honest that we have no intention of leaving our spouses and children (we both have young kids) . I think about him none stop but I know this isn’t right. We have such a great working relationship (both in upper management) and neither of us could consider leaving. I don’t want it to end but I know it’s wrong and hate sitting by just wondering if he’ll have a a few free minutes to be with me ( the answer is usually no, of course). When I think about my husband I feel terrible. He’s a great man and loves me emensly but there just isn’t a spark. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been married almost 15 years and never been unfaithful.

      • Pink Puppy

        Confused- Be very careful you’ve been married for almost 15 years and you said it’s no spark, in your marriage well that could be caused by two things it’s either because he probably knows about your affair or he’s also having an affair.. look deep! I’m telling you this because it happened to my neighbour she was having an affair and also taught that her husband was too much in love with her that he would not cheat. You could imagine the disappointment and hurt she felt and is still feeling when she found out her husband was having an affair. He even took his mistress overseas with him on several occasions.

      • Regrets

        To confused how do you manage to see him and work with him ? Don’t you think it’s going to end in tears ? As its only a few months it’s all fun! Wait till its longer then it won’t be as much fun. Do you think he has had a affair before and I find it strange that his wife keeps him to a curfew is that because she doesn’t trust him do you think ?

    • Confused

      Still working with (for) my mm. Still a new affair (few months) we’re both married and confused about this whole thing. Makes things very awkward.

  • HB

    I’ve been reading everyones stories. Many of you like myself have tried getting out of this affair but somehow keep finding ourselves falling back into it again. I wonder – is it possible to ever truly get over the MM? Will we ever go on to fall in love with someone else ? Or will we forever pine over someone who will never be ours? Just wondering if there are any women on here who are over their affairs and have now found love.

    • Findingmyway

      HB yes I think many do. They just don’t seek out these forums any more once they have truly moved on. We are all here because many of us are still struggling and need support. But I think once someone feels better and can move on they don’t typically come back here. It’s a part of getting over this and healing. We will all get there.

      • HB

        Findingmyway – yes you’re right. I just hope we can all reach that place some day, where we’re happy and in love with an available man and can move on from this forum.

    • Julie

      I’ve taken the plunge and started dating. Using online apps. At first it was just for the distraction. But after going on a few dates I’ve realized I can actually develop feelings for someone else. I can be attracted to another man and that men can also be attracted to me. It’s actually quite an eye opener. While I haven’t met someone I want to see regularly it’s been the best thing for me. The MM is no longer the center of all my attention. It’s been two months now and I still think of him everyday but I have no urge to return to him. This is the first ever in all the 8 years of being on and off. There is hope for us after all! Stay strong

      • Findingmyway

        Good for you! I think it is awesome that you are doing this. Shows you that the married poor excuse for a man is not the only guy out there.

  • Depression

    Why are we suffering but they are till happily with their marriage and family as if nothing happened? Their wife are not aware of their affair outside. I felt so unfair and angry when thinking he still stay happily with his family and wife.

    • Tricia

      Depressed. U say that the married man Is Happy ? Who’s know what really go’s on In a marriage ? Married people never tell on each other and we don’t know what go on behind closed doors ? Just because U see a picture on social media don’t mean it is Marital Bliss that’s what they won’t U to think ! Just because a man stay with his wife don’t mean he always love her sometimes It’s just cheaper to keep her and his Reputation and status and Imagine as a Good Up Standing Family Man. And we don’t know what the wife knows or don’t or If she happy with him ? She probably can’t stand his Ass and cheating On him too ? Stay Strong Big Hugs !! Because this too shall pass…

    • Julie

      If they were so happy in their marriage we would have never been in the picture. He will revert back to his cheating ways when things settle down for him. That’s been my experience. We just have to make sure it’s not us they can come back to. Stay strong and dont waste your energy thinking about the loser.

    • Findingmyway

      They aren’t happy. They can’t deal with their own problems in their marriage so they took the easy route and sought a relationship outside their marriage to make themselves feel better instead of addressing their problems head on by working on their marriage or working on ending it. Don’t buy what you see on social media either if you’ve been looking. I’ve noticed that some of my friends that are experiencing problems in their personal relationships tend to post pictures and messages about a perfect life with their spouse. It always makes me cringe because I know what is really going on. I think they are trying to cover up what is happening or doing it to try to convince themselves everything is ok. I think people in secure and happy relationships don’t feel the need to engage in that kind of online proclamations of how awesome their marriage is. He will live his own little misery. Who knows what his wife knows. She is likely in denial. Or he may be an awesome liar and she is truly clueless as to what a horrible douchebag she is married to. Forget all that. YOU are free now to heal and build the love and life you want. Feel sorry for anyone stuck with him. He is no prize. No one who does this is happy in his marriage or happy with himself. He is a damaged person who is a terrible partner, husband, boyfriend. Don’t believe the facade.

      • H

        I agree. My MM’s wife is always posting on instagram pictures of all the extravagent expensive gifts he buys her. She’s always gushing about what an amazing husband he is. All the while he’s having an affair. I’ve asked him a number of times whether he’s cheating because he’s unhappy in his marriage. His reponse has always been ‘i’m happy in my marriage but i don’t know why i’m doing this.’ If he was really happy, would he be cheating?

        • Findingmyway

          Someone who would do this and is happy in their marriage is a scary person. He might be a narcissist. Or psycho. Deeply selfish. Definitely someone to get the hell away from.

      • PeggySue

        AMEN to this! I realized this a long time ago – what they post on social media is what they want to the world to see. I have friends who do the same (post how “blessed” and “grateful” they are, and I know what’s really going on). Men rarely initiate divorce and they are ‘happy enough’ to remain married, but are thrilled if they can have someone on the side. It won’t be me ever again.
        Stay strong ladies!

  • Dee

    My husband passed last year after a 3 1/2 year agonizing illness. We were married for 40 years. I prepared for his death, I knew it was coming. About 6 months after his death I met someone who is married. I understand affairs with married men go nowhere, but at the age of 64, that’s all I could handle; someone who is around, but not all the time and someone who makes me feel alive in the bedroom but it’s agony not hearing or seeing from him for 2 weeks at a time. I’m going to end it soon, but trying to figure out whether I will just walk away without a word, send a letter, or do it face to face. This man has never been unfaithful in his 25 year marriage and probably doesn’t understand the breaking up process. He’s told me he feels guilty and he knows he’s a cheater and a liar. I’m glad he understands that. If he were free to be with me it would be a different story but he isn’t so…it’s time to end it.

    • Tricia

      Dee. I’m so sorry for your lost of your husband. I went thru the same thing with my Ex Mm one minute everything was good then I wouldn’t hear from him until he was ready to be bother again it’s been 2 months since I saw him this time I want it to be the last time dealing with this mess I got myself into. Send a letter and block his number .I wish U well stay strong !

  • WIWS

    What a mess… I have been seeing MM for nearly a year now. I feel like a terrible person because he is married to one of my best friends. Long story short, I feel as tho he groomed me for years and years, waited for the night when I had a few too many drinks and was vulnerable… and made his move. Not trying to sound like the victim here but this is truly how it all happened. I realize that I am just as guilty and wrong as he is now that I have allowed this to happen and go on for almost a year. But for the last year. He has been promising to leave her, says he loves me and wants a life with me. I never believed he would leave because his actions never proved anything more than him just stringing me along. He was all over the place, one day he wanted a future with me and the next he would say we were moving too fast and we need to slow down… He wasnt ready for all of this. Then he would take it all back and confess his love for me and say he could live without me. I was getting ready to end things about a week ago, had everything typed out and waiting for the right moment to send it. I feel like this whole thing was a huge mistake, I fell in love with him yes— but its not right. I dont want to begin a relationship with someone this way, I could never be proud of a relationship based off of this. But Then things blew up. His wife went to visit a mutual friend of ours and vented to her that he had asked her for a separation and was moving out. That they had been having problems for a while and it wasnt getting better. That she thinks he has a gf but not sure who it is and basically they are going their separate ways for now and see what happens . Our mutual friend contacted me (pretty much just to gossip about it—noone knows about my affair with the MM). I am so mixed up, and confused. I love him, I really do. But I dont want this to happen anymore… I want to move on and forget this. But I am still very attached. He knows exactly what to say to keep me coming back.. And they’re only separating. Not like he will be completely divorced and available… so that bothers me too. I dont want to get in even deeper with him and then he ends up going back to her and i have a feeling that is what will happen once he realizes how hard it is going to be. Besides that, he has agreed to still pay all her bills and give her a large sum of money every month still.. which i think will end up too hard for him and he will end up back with her. I am a mess over this, and I cant find it within myself to end things now that he has begun fulfilling his promises to me. Please pray for me that I find the answers I need to do this… and for strength to do the right thing. Any advice is appreciated. And thank you all for sharing your stories, i have been coming here for several months reading for guidance and support.

    • Tricia

      WIWS. Sweetie U don’t want a man U had a affair with and especially one of your friends husband ! Because U didn’t get him right and what comes around go’s around If he cheat with U he’ll cheat on U. And U would not feel right with the relationship U would have all kind of guilt and ashamed . Look lord knows I’m not judging U .But U deserve a relationship that came natural someone U can take home U actually had dates with and all your family and friends know someone U can be proud to call your own. Let him have the space he need to work on his marriage if it ends then U have no Influence over his decision to end his marriage properly .That way if he did decide to come back it will be because he feels he made the right choose and U won’t feel like a [Homewreaker ] . I prayer that God Give U The Strength U need In Making The Right Decision .

  • Onwards and Upwards

    Hello Ladies! I have to say it has been very comforting reading your stories and I appreciate them all. I was in a marriage where there was infidelity on my ex’s behalf and since there was no trust we decided to get divorced. We have 2 young kids who are my world. So after getting out of one fire I then unintentionally stick myself on the other side and get involved with a MM. We used to sit next to each other at work and him and I became very close and he was a huge support during my divorce. Then one drunken night one thing lead to another. It has been a year and a half roller coaster ride and I just want off. Never in a million years would I think I would do this to myself or to his wife for that matter (who doesn’t know). Our communication became an obsession-all day every day and night! He would fill my days with so much laughter but at the same time I was very lonely. There were times he said he was going to tell her and leave, there were times he would tell me he was in love with both of us. We have even gone away together, but at the end of the day he goes home to her. I know this sounds crazy, but when a few hours go by and there is no communication I get anxiety. It’s not normal and no one should live like this. I was #2 in my marriage and I don’t want to do it again. The other day I told him I can’t do this anymore because I am so extremely unhappy and I deserve more than this especially after everything I went through in my marriage. We have tried to break it off several times and keep going back. I am trying to stay strong this time. I do miss him A LOT as he was a huge part of my life, but I know this is for the better. The longer I hang on, the longer I am delaying my own true happiness. Stay strong ladies!!! You deserve better!

  • Hayley

    Spot on huni.. unfortunately in the past I always thought it meant so much more.. next time I won’t be so fooled that’s for sure.
    Sometimes just opening your eyes to actually what this means changes so much in you to never want to go back again.

  • Broken

    I told MM tonight I think it’s best we don’t see each other anymore.

    Here I am sobbing on my bed.
    But,
    I know it’s what I need to do.

    But it hurts
    It’s not fair
    It’s uncomfortable

    Could use all the prayers and good energy

    -K

    • Tricia

      Broken . U did the right thing I tried to break up with my MM and he wouldn’t let until he was ready now he’s gone left ! I miss him and trying to recover it’s so hard but I’m sending positive vibes your way and a pray that U stay strong and know your special man out there !

    • Jen

      Praying for you…… I’m about to do the same. Dreading taking the leap as I know I’m gonna be broken like you. God is good. His spirit will come and comfort xxx

  • Anon

    I have a question for you ladies. What do you think these married men go through or feel after us breaking up with them?? Do they feel sh*t like us or just go about there lives as if nothing ever happened or did we ever mean anything to them.

    • Tricia

      Anon. Umm good question ! Well my Ex Mm just decide to leave me he didn’t say but his actions speak for it’s self .If your married man had genuine feelings for U I guess he feels the lost of your presents but If not chances are they replace Us move on without a care In the world because most of the time this a casual NON REALITY relationship with them but our feelings for them are REAL NOT FAKE !! That’s why its so hard on us because our love was genuine and pure . And the funny part Is we feel like we cheating on them if decided to date other man !! That’s the funny part too ! All I know Is I feel empty inside and hurt and I’m really mad at myself because I allow this . Ladies Stay Strong I know it’s Hard.

    • Hayley

      Anon – they say as we get stronger they get weaker. I have reason to believe this is true. This is also why there are only women on this site.
      Yes they will miss us but I believe they are relieved for now but it hits them later on usually when we have dealt with it and moved on this is likely the time they start to suffer.
      Men can process their emotions differently by putting them into different compartments whereas us women feel it straight away. So stay strong and know one day when they are still unhappily married they will wonder about us and feel the pain.. this is also likely when they will send the ‘hi how are you text’ trust me. This as happened 5 times for me!! What a fool I was to ever reply.
      This is also what keeps me strong knowing that in the end he will be the one missing me more than I will miss him. Hope this helps. X

      • PeggySue

        The “hi how are you texts” are only because they want to start up the affair again. The text would othewise read “I am divorced and want us to be together forever”. If they wanted to be with us for real, they would. If they suddenly miss us and can’t live without us, then they will leave. I never lose sight of this.

    • PeggySue

      My MM was *mostly* honest with me in my affair. He told me (and we’ve all read this) that men are able to “compartmentalize” things. My MM’s words were “I keep it separate”.

      Honestly, in my situation, I think he misses the *FRIEND* he had in me. He misses someone that was good to him and treated him like an adult and with respect. That’s it. He has the attitude “it was fun while it lasted”. It was always going to be no more than an affair to him *and for ALL OF THEM* otherwise they would leave.

      We women spend too much time wondering how they feel because we felt more than they did. If they truly loved us and wanted to be with us, then they *WOULD*. There would be no excuses. My MM was willing to have the affair with me for as long as I wanted or until he got caught – those were *HIS WORDS*. He told me that many times when I would ask. I once asked what he’d do if he got caught, and he replied “I’d see what she wanted to do”. It’s just plain easier for them to stay married and have us on the side. If it were that bad, they’d leave. I’ve posted that many times here, and that was what made me finally wake up after nearly 2 years of an affir (on and off but mostly on). If you want to heal and move on, you have to think like they do, accept it, and not make the *EXCUSES* that most women do when they analyze things – for example “they process emotions differently” etc. blah blah blah.

      That’s just my experience and opinion of course, but I came out of my affair fog months ago. I now see my MM for what he is and stopped believeing that eventually he’d realize he was happier with me and leave. That’s what got me into the mess in the first place.

    • PeggySue

      Oh and I forgot the most important thing – they are relieved that they got away with it!!! That’s what they think.

      My MM never lied about how much he loved me or told me he was leaving etc. BUT read below about the situations where the MM has done that, and then what he does once he’s caught…..

    • Julie

      When I’m feeling low I also dwell on this question. Or I ask how could he go two months without reaching out. But I’ve gotten stronger and am now able to shift my focus to the new positives in my life. I am mentally free of the daily anxiety and paranoia of what he was up to in his family life. I no longer dream of him sleeping with his wife. I no longer have the heartache that comes with knowing the man you love so dearly doesn’t love you back as much. While there’s some satisfaction in knowing he’s missing me and thinking of me and it wasn’t all meaningless, none of that matters to my life. If he misses me right now it will change nothing in my day today. If I come to know he’s thinking of me this moment all this bit of information will do is get my brain in a renewed frenzy to analyze and over analyze what it means. But in the end he is with his wife. He isn’t with me. And nothing will change that.

      So try not to dwell on the question of whether he misses you or not because it causes you pain and in the end it makes no difference at all. There’s an amazing world out there outside your MM, keep your mind preoccupied by that. Who knows you may meet someone once you free your mind of him. Someone better. I’ve just met a new better looking younger guy and it’s an amazing confidence boost and vindication that I deserved better after all!! Xoxo

    • Depression

      I don’t think they feel what we felt. He still able to live with his wife, children. Like nothing had happened. Their wife are not aware of what they had done to us. We are just women for them to play with when they have time.

    • Bee Suan Tan

      I am also wondering.. does he ever loves me or just come to me for the seek of having sex. My MM said he enjoy having sex with me and he do not have sex with his wife. And I confront him and he get angry and dump me again. Asking me to let him go as he feel i am over obsessive on him. Now he go holiday happily with his wife and family and I am suffering my depression. I miss him so much now.. once close my eye will start to picture how happy he is with his wife.

  • Hayley

    To all of those who work with their MM but want out you need to leave your jobs. I know it’s blunt but whilst you still see each other you are both life options for eachother.. you will never recover from
    It and the affair WILL likely resume at some point.
    If you seriously want out and move on to a better life you need to do it… don’t kid yourself and no excuses.. NONE !
    Go.. run.. disappear.. it’s the only way.
    Trust me.
    Ps; I’m having a few weak moments today but over my dead body will I go back there! I’m so glad I left and got a new better job away from him.
    Tomorrow is a new day though hey ladies. Keep smiling.

    • Anon

      Hayley – like you I get the occasional weak points but over my dead body. No way. I can’t seem to get out of my head what he said to me. So stops me from contacting him. Stay strong. We got each other.

    • the one who was BETRAYED

      Hayley, you are incredible! im so happy for you that you are feeling better and realized these mm are assholes… its over 2 months for me NO CONTACT from him and NO contact from me. never ever again. wont forgive him for telling his wife lies saying i was obsessed with him. PSHH , he came onto me for years, i never came onto him, he was OBSESSED with me. wouldnt allow me to break up with him. now he can enjoy his life. i will NEVER forgive him. luckily i live far away from him so the chances of us bumping into each other are close to NONE. congrats Hayley, love u girly girl 😉 (: tomorrow is A NEW DAY. KEEP UR HEAD UP LOVELIES..

    • Z

      I’m currently in this position and am due to leave my job at the end of this month. This should be a good thing and one step forward towards me getting out of this horrible situation; however, the thought of possibly never seeing him again makes me really sad 🙁 its pathetic, i know…

  • Lover

    Hi ladies,

    I’ve read a lot of comments and I finally have strength to share. I’m going crazy! I met my MM at work. For months he would flirt with me and I didn’t pay him any mind. One random day he asked me to hang out. My first question to him wasn’t aren’t you married? Because let’s be serious, NO woman ever want to subject herself to that type of hurt. He later explained that they were going through a separation. One that his wife initiated. I could tell he was still hurting and that still didn’t stop me from months of dealing with him. I know it’s wrong, but at first it was just fun for the both of us. We did everything together from work to staying with each other every other day, even outings with other coworkers. The nights we couldnt be together we would talk on the phone all night. I would constantly ask him what he would do if his wife decided she actually didn’t want to go through with the separation and he tried beating it in my head that he was completely done. That even if she didn’t want it. He wanted it. Oh a fool I was to believe that. Eventually my fear became reality. Once she realized he had someone else, she went crazy. She wanted her husband back. I tried to be reasonable and told him we had to end it. That I wanted him to try to work it out because i didn’t want him to jump into a relationship with me and have regrets. Of course it was hard for both of us. We snuck around a few times. Almost a month ago things got bad. His wife and I had an altercation, while we were arguing I could hear him in the background lying to her about everything. I am determined to rid him of my life but it hurts. I have to see him at work. I can’t even look at him, but when I’m alone he’s all I think about. I feel like he’s just happy with his family and I’m here miserable. How long does it take for this feeling to go away?

    • Xxx

      Hi Lover,
      I guess when the wife is determined to have him back, she will do it no matter what. The same as we take them back knowing what assholes they are. Hearing him on the phone lying tells you everything. I was once with the mm when she called. He didnt even consider going to a different room so i dont hear it all and get hurt, but nope, i had to hear it all. That fact of not considering my pain hurt more than all the things i heard. You just find a better man and laugh it off. The bastard will hurt and whats most, you wont have to deal with the things wife has to deal with. I remember the comment from someone here saying we should have a look at forums with the wives. I suggest you have a look – not fun, i promise. Those feelings get diluted over time. I recently met a guy who was nice and charming but was too early since i was still in pain. The things didnt work out but i noticed i can actually like someone else. Trust me, the peace you feel after breaking that relationship off is a releaf. No more checking “last seen”…pfff saves a lot of energy that you invest somewhere more productive. But in the end, you have to go through it in your own way and by the time you will realise that you are not more dependent on him. We lived before them quite happily, we can do it again. For the feeling, it lasts long. I dont know if it disappears but it certainly changes its shapes. I see it as a kind of my own defeat – useless fight where i lost even before starting it and without being aware of that. My mm told me recently he loved me actually – what a twist. I dont believe it though.. you dont hurt people you love like that.

    • the one who was BETRAYED

      lover, i am so sorry for what you are going through. I am so glad you found this website, big hugs to you. Its been 2 months NC for me, similar thing happened to me, i could hear in the background my MM lying and crying blaming me for obsessing over him and him lying saying he told me he loved his wife. The pain hurts so bad. its been 60 days for me. I have my ups and downs. to be honest there isnt a time frame i can give you because its still fresh for me, i have my bad and good days. I think time will heal us, as soon as we focus on us, finding a nice single guy, getting a good career and having friends, we can stop thinking as much of them. I am so sorry you are going through, that is such big heartbreak, what a liar, to promise that no he wont take his wife back then to throw you under the bus. so SORRY, lots of lovely soft hugs for you. let me ask you, ever since that day, have you spoken to him? you need to go no contact, and find a job where you dont work with him, that way, you can move on, if not, the pain and anger will always be there. big hugs to you girl. please stay here and follow up with us other women, we can grow together (=

  • Lianne Stevenson

    I’ve been having an affair with a married man from my work for almost a year. He has promised everything he knows I desire: marriage, love, friendship, security, all while continuing to choose his wife over me. He’s used horrible tragedies in his life to pull me back in and to think we’re on a deeper level, when really it’s all been a lie. He even lied for months telling me that they were separated and going to “divorce counseling” when later I found out it was couples counseling. We met in a parking lot yesterday and his wife almost caught us and he said he’d tell her about us, but instead, they went to dinner. To dinner! I’m beyond stupid for thinking he’ll ever choose me and yet there’s that part of me that has hope. Why? Why can’t I just walk away? He’s a serial cheater (he’s cheated on his wife for their entire relationship, even hooking up with multiple randoms) and yet…I still believe I’d be happy with him. I’m so desperate to move on and am looking for any help I can get.

  • Emotional Rollercoaster

    I stumbled upon this thread about 6 months ago and ever since I’ve been coming on here, silently reading all of your posts, trying to fuel myself with the strength and determination to end this affair. Unfortunately, I have not been able to do so and now I’m going on 1 year with MM. I’ve been married for 13 years. I married young. I have 2 kids. My marriage has not been so great for a couple of years now. We don’t agree on a lot of things, there is no longer any passion and hardly any intimacy. He is also very controlling. I stay because of the kids and frankly is all I know. We are kind of separated now.

    I met my MM when I was in my second year of high school. We dated briefly nothing serious at all. We even lived in the same neighborhood. I moved a year after and we lost touch. Then one day (about 2 years after) I see him carrying furniture in my apartment building. I couldn’t believe it. He was moving into the apartment right above mine. We kind of started up again (again nothing serious). But that was short lived. He was actually moving to another country less than a year from then. After he moved we lost complete contact for 16 years, until we met again a year ago that I started working at the same place as he. I was in complete shock that destiny got us back together for a third time. We started talking at first and catching up. He told he was married with 4 kids. 2 from a previous relationship and 2 from his current relationship. I started looking forward to go to work everyday and couldn’t wait until the time during the day when I would see him. All types of feelings started coming back but this time 10x stronger. I don’t understand it. I don’t know if it was that my own marriage was unsatisfying but about a month and a half after, we started the affair. I knew it was wrong but it happened so fast. I constantly kept fighting with myself telling me that I had to end this. Everyday that passed I wanted more. He would tell me that destiny brought us back together for a reason and that we will openly be together one day. About 3 months After I found a better job opportunity and I took it. I almost didn’t want to. I got depressed and was about to turn it down. I didn’t want to miss the opportunity of seeing him everyday. But I took it. I also knew that I needed to distance myself from him. It took me a while to adjust at the new job because I couldn’t get over the fact that I would not see him everyday. After my move we would see each other maybe 2-3 times a month and it has been like this ever since. I tried blocking him twice but both times only lasted about a week. I don’t want to do this anymore. I need to be myself again. I need to focus on moving forward and my kids. I cry every other day. I want and deserve more but I know I can’t receive this from him. I ask God why did he bring him into my life again. I was at PEACE. Yes I was in a unfulfilling, unaffectionate, sex less marriage. But I was at PEACE. I’ll take that any day over this feelings and emotions that are breaking me down and don’t let me function properly. Yes I’ve gone out with girlfriends for lunch for socializing. I’ve done “sip and paint” sessions with family members as therapeutic time. I go shopping to clear my mind. But it’s not enough. I still can’t get him out of my head. I still can’t decide to completely cut him off. Can you believe that for the past 9 years he has been living 15 minutes away from me and we never bumped into each other until a year ago? Why, is all that I ask. I wish we never met up again a year ago.

    Thank you ladies for sharing all of your stories. I can’t talk about this to anyone. I’m also considering counseling. Believe it or not, reading your posts is how I managed to sleep some nights since I started coming on here 6 months ago.

  • Anon

    Hi ladies.

    Second week running in it being over. Just to say I am doing ok. Not really missing him because i can see him him for what he is day by day and that is not even trying and wanting to contact me to at least have realised he was wrong. Never the less guy can piss off. I don’t feel the same way as I did. Maybe it wasn’t love after all but I have no feelings either. I do wonder if he did ever contact I don’t think I’d be delighted as I used to be after every break up. I’m not even sure what I’d say which shows me I must be doing ok. Hope you all ladies will start to feel the same xxx

  • Anon

    Hi ladies.

    Second week running in it being over. Just to say I am doing ok. Not really missing him because i can see him him for what he is day by day and that is not even trying and wanting to contact me to at least have realised he was wrong. Never the less guy can piss off. I don’t feel the same way as I did. Maybe it wasn’t love after all but I have no feelings either. I do wonder if he did ever contact I don’t think I’d be delighted as I used to be after every break up. I’m not even sure what I’d say which shows me I must be doing ok. Hope you all ladies will start to feel the same xxx

  • Zahra

    Thanks for sharing your stories guys. I met my MM at work. I was always attracted to him but never did anything about it as i knew he was married. Around 5 months into his marriage, he started showing a lot of interest in me, constantly talking to me and flirting. At first i didn’t reciprocate but before long unfortunatley we were having an affair. 4 months into our affair i found out his wife was pregnant. I tried breaking things off several times, he’d agree but after a few weeks of no contact he’ll always tell me he misses me and try starting up things again. The fact that we work together and i have to see him everyday doesn’t make the situation any easier. He says he’s happy with his wife but then occasionally tells me he loves me. Yesterday we both agreed this needs to stop as his wife is due to give birth next month. I know its the right decision however i feel broken and depressed. And i know i’m a horrible person for what i’ve done.

  • Tricia

    Wishing I was Stronger. Thank U for your kind words that really made my day ! I wish I had this support and someone to talk to before I got involved with my M.M I remember a older woman telling me being with a married man you are a woman In waiting and all your nights would be spend alone she ain’t never lied either. I think maybe I scared my married man I told me him [ I Adore U ! ] and I cooked lunch for him and thing’s slowly went silence on his part but also he have a history of going dark so I don’t really know ? And yes I try and pay my rent when he not there but when he is it’s hey ‘ coming In my office let’s talk ! And his nosy receptionist know and she but trying to bust me out when we together I told him he need to set her straight ! Because she is unprofessional and rude ! She like him Hell they probably did something I never know ! I really miss him and I’m thinking did this man have any genuine feelings for me ? In 8 yrs was it just all sex to him probably was but I don’t know how to stop my feeling for him and I haven’t got to point of deleting everything ? I want a relationship with another man but all my friends told me No because he can walk In anytime and all Hell would Break loose ? But I’m so lonely and I don’t want to keep daydreaming of him ! Because ain’t doing about me. But U stay Strong I know It’s hard stay In Prayer ! And know U are A very special lady ! Big Hugs !!

    • WishingIWereStronger

      Tricia,
      Im sorry but I strongly disagree with your friends. Who cares if he could walk in on you at any time, that first of all is an invasion of your privacy. And he has chosen to treat you like crap.. If you desire to move on with someone else then thats what you need to do. I know this is mean but I want to be honest with you, I think this man is a pos and has taken advantage of you and probably many other women also. He doesnt deserve you or his wife either. Stay strong and do your best to stay busy… move on and show him how happy you are after he is out if your life. That is the best revenge.

      • Tricia

        Wishing I Were Stronger. No I don’t take your comments as mean and I can’t defend him because It’s the truth but I allowed that behavior from him because I was weak and fell for him. Confession time I too stalked the wife FB page for a while she blocked me and that was it for me but the interesting thing she had her status as Single ! No pictures of him or the children but of her CLIENTS really ?Anyway she on his page with the family pictures that’s a message to all the ladies [THIS IS WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME ! ] I so appreciate being able to talk to someone and getting feedback . Anyway this too shell pass. Take Care Of yourself .

  • Julie

    ladies, this sucks. I just saw his post about an upcoming work trip that he had asked me to join him. He had asked me when we last met, the same trip during which we had a fight and he walked out. A little less than 2 months ago.
    I thought I was doing so well. But seeing this brought back a rush of feelings. Made me cry all over again. Wondering about him about the trip how he can just forget me and not reach out after all these weeks what he has planned on this trip etc etc. yep my brain has gone weak on me today. I even dreamt of him which I hadn’t done for couple of weeks. Sad dream.
    I’m not going to do anything but this pain is tough.

  • Pancake

    For the last month I’ve spoken to my mm on the phone and texted on and off. I thought I could handle it. We talked about general things. Then I started not to sleep well and my anxiety started to effect me. This morning I texted my mm that I could no longer speak to him. I blocked, deleted whatever information I had on him. I never memorized his number so that’s a blessing. I’m so upset. My anxiety scares me. I miss him terribly, but my health went down hill by just talking to him. Don’t get me wrong I loved talking to him, but it came at a hefty price. I’m turning to all of you beautiful women for support to help me get through this terrible time. Thank you. Hugs to all !

    • WishingIWereStronger

      Pancake- I am in the same boat as you. My MM has been back in contact with me recently and he talked me into meeting with him tonight. I am extremely nervous to see him as it has been a few weeks, I was feeling much stronger but I know once I see him again, all of my feelings are going to come rushing back. I decided that this time was going to be the last and that I will be telling him that its over. Its just so hard because all of our friends are linked together and I will see him during friend outings etc. My anxiety is through the roof, I cant sleep at night.
      Please stay str ong and you will get throigh this. Just take it day by day, thats what I have to do. Nothing but love and hugs your way. Im rooting for you, move on with your life and find someone who really loves and appreciates you. My email is wiws1985@gmail.com if you ever want to chat.. i’ll be there for you.

    • Julie

      Pancake, you did the best thing ever! I know it doesn’t feel like it right now. But god let me tell you. I’ve not felt this mentally at peace in all the 8 years my MM was around on and off. Believe me when I say you will get through the pain eventually. That it will get easier. It’s totally okay to be afraid to be hurt to feel like a loser to think the world is collapsing on you….these are things we all go through when the disaster of a relationship ends. So go through the pain. It’s okay. Just don’t get weak and return to the same. What helped me is knowing that any contact with him would only mean more pain and I didn’t want to feel more pain. Really accepting the reality that this is a drug.

      And it’s okay to miss him. He was a part of your life so you have ever right to miss him to want to talk to him and want to have that closeness. This is all part of the process of grieving the relationship.

      But just don’t get weak. Stay strong as you walk yourself through this ordeal. We are here to help you do that. Xoxo

    • Tricia

      Pancake. So Proud Of U ! Because it’s been a long road U been on trying to decide to end thing’s with him and I know I how hard that was for U because U have deep feelings for him . I don’t know why It’s so hard to end thing’s with these men ? But U are a Beautiful Soul and Best Is yet To Come Stay Strong !

  • OVERCOMER

    Hello beautiful ladies,

    I wrote on here about a week or so ago under Conflicted – long story short, my MM lives across the street from me. He is here for work and leaves on weekends to go back to his home. I have been struggling so so hard to stop this fake life with him. Although I have continued the affair I want to share some tools that I have been using that has helped me.
    I am a christian so therefore I believe God wants to help me get out of this situation. I have been praying and I have seen some results and wanted to share the prayer I started praying. Mind you, I was praying this in the morning with MM still laying in my bed. You don’t have to be perfect for God to hear your prayers.

    If you find yourself not wanting to leave, intoxicated by your emotions.. here is a prayer that has changed my situation in the last week

    “God, please give me eyes to see the truth about the situation. Please show me where I am being deceived.”

    I gave MM his stuff this morning as he was leaving my house and I am ending things. I have started to realize that I am infecting his soul as well as mine. I am eating bitter fruit thinking that it is nourishing when really it is poisoning my soul and his. It is not harmless, even if we never get caught.. I realized I don’t even recognize who I am anymore. I have been so intoxicated with my emotions and the feelings of comfort and affection that I didn’t even realize that I was harming him and myself. I am not judging anyone because God knows, I am no one to judge. I am just here witnessing that this simple prayer has opened my eyes to a different perspective on the situation. This battle is a hard fight to go into alone. God has been fighting for me every step of the way. He won’t come if you don’t ask.

    I love each one of you and I have a soft spot in my heart for the struggles women face. I believe that we are good people who have been deceived. I pray for each one of you that God keeps His face shining upon you, that you know the comfort of His unfailing, unwavering love. No matter what you have ever done, you are precious in His sight. He wants you to be free of this trap. Because, at the end of the day, that is what it is, a trap… The devil knows how to get to you, he is clever in his schemes. Keep praying, even if you keep falling. Don’t ever question God’s love for you because He never changes.

    • Tricia

      Overcomering. I’m so proud of U ! I know that was a hard thing to do considering your situation with him being so close to U . Continue to stay Strong because he will try again .Thank you U for the prayer.

  • YoungAndConfused

    I am 21 years old, living my best life, and about to graduate college in May. The MM I was involved with is 41 years old and he has a 12 year old son. He was my personal trainer at the kickboxing gym I used to attend. It started off with a Facebook message from him last December and it all went downhill from there. I never thought I would ever have an affair with a MM, but everything spiraled out of control so fast. I loved the way he treated me differently than all of his other clients at the gym and it was exciting for both of us to keep such a big secret. Nobody would ever expect a 21 year old to be hooking up with a 41 year old, right? At first our relationship was great and I didn’t feel much guilt because he would tell me how bad his relationship was. But then I started to learn more and more about his marriage with his wife. He would always post pictures online saying how much he loved her and how he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with her. Every time he would post something like that I would instantly break down in tears and it would ruin my entire day. What really hurt the most was when he went on an extravagant vacation with his family to Hawaii and posted pictures nearly every day. He would tell me every time him and his wife had sexual intercouse. He even told me all the details about it too!! I decided to cut off sexual relations about 3 months ago and I cut off all contact with my MM exactly 5 weeks ago. I deleted his number and blocked him on all social media. He attempted to contact me 2 days after I started ignoring him. He left me a rude voicemail and that’s when I decided I never wanted to talk to him again. I am currently 2 months in to a happy and healthy relationship with a man my own age and he treats me 100000x better than my MM ever did. Overall, I think I am returning to my normal self but I still think about my MM more than I wish I did.

    • WishingIWereStronger

      Young and confused— I can relate to your story on so many levels. I am much younger than MM also. It was super exciting and fun at first.. You can read about my story below if you would like. But I iust wanted to say.. read these stories. Come here when your having a hard day. It has helped me a lot. Im so happy for you that you are in a new relationship and moving forward. Best wishes to you!

    • YoungAndConfused

      Of course MM just sent me an email to my school account telling me that he misses me and can’t wait to see me again. I know I shouldn’t reply but part of me really wants to.

    • Tricia

      Young and Confused. U are so young don’t allow this M.M to get In your head and use U next thing U know U been with him for yrs off and on and your youth will be gone ! Plus he sound like a real Ass Hole ! He very disrespectful too telling U information about his sex life with his wife ! Who probably don’t respect nor deserve ! And plus he sound controlling and manipulating ! Girl Run,Run,Run ! You are a smart lovely young lady who got alot to offer don’t settle for crumbs ! This Experience will U have U bitter toward men In the future and U don’t want this for yourself. I hope I didn’t come across too harsh ? Stay A Girl .

      • YoungAndConfused

        Thank you Tricia, that’s exactly what I need to hear sometimes. I have not contacted MM since I cut things off cold turkey about 45 days ago. A couple months ago I could barely go a few hours without hearing from him.. crazy how things change!!

  • Hayley

    For all you ladies who have cut contact with their MM including myself here are some words of encouragement.
    It takes longer for a man to process his emotions so whilst we are struggling now and it will hurt so much for a few weeks/months hang in there we will recover… this is when he is likely to feel the full loss of us and try to return. (I’ve experienced this many a time).
    And please always remember these men are not happily married although they chose to stay it love theirs wives they are not happy and never will be. There was a reason he was attracted to you in the first place cause we are beautiful bright fun women and we are still that person we just forgot to remember it.
    I’m guessing most of these MM are Middle Aged which means they are unlikely to replace us that easily if at all and even if they do will that OW be as fabulous as us.. doubtful.. or maybe in the beginning but it won’t last, she will make her own demands, start getting upset herself and who knows may even turn nasty.. and that will only make him appreciate what they had with us fabulous women even more. They will not forget us.
    So please remember we are not the losers here even though it may feel like it right now.. eventually all of these MM will end up missing us more. I promise and by then we won’t want their sorry ass anyway!
    I hope this helps us all to stay positive and strong.

    • the one who was betrayed

      Hayley, thank you so much for that post. you just made me smile. its been 8 weeks for me no contact. he dumped me and disappeared. It was a realllyyy dark road, im still in the dark but slowly seeing the light. I will NEVER forgive him. I agree with you, it takes men months and even years to process emotion when they realize they f**cked up. I know he wont ever come back which is good for me, he left me during the holidays? I will neverrr forgive him. HUGSSIES LOVES! 🙂 STAY STRONG!

      • Tricia

        The One Was Betrayed. I don’t know why but I remember reading your story and I felt like U were my little sister crying to me and I had to reach out to U . I’m proud of U too because I can tell U we’re really In a dark place I felt your pain but look wow ! Look how far U have come ! He had U depended on him and U didn’t see life without him but little did he know he did U a favor !! Girl Yo’ Man Is Coming ! So U keep On Moving And Don’t Ever Look Back ! U have a Good Life Ahead of U . Sooooooo Proud Of U !

    • Anon

      Hayley

      Just when I was feeling slightly low I read your msg my word girl wow you are amazing. Words of wisdom and very encouraging and very true. Girl you have your head screwed on alright. Thank you for the msg. Really helped – il just keep reading this for times when I feel abit low. No way would I contact him because like you something happened and triggered the switch in my head and I thought my god in all these years I thought I meant something ( his wife was away and we was having a text convo and in that he said cleaned house now need to clean my below) I thought what the heck why on earth you telling me this. I don’t want to know that you getting ready for sex and that bloody switch flipped in my head, I thought to myself you ain’t getting no sex of me asshole after hearing that no way!!! , you have what you want at home.. I mean call it jealousy but he shouldn’t have said that to me… bad move.. I haven’t said the words good bye to him but made it clear he needs to go back to his fam and I’m not for sex purposes… we not been in touch since last week) I don’t feel anything for him though just feel low at times because had him in my life for at least 8 years and now nothing. If only he had said this to me sooner. Anyway back to your msg awesome!!!! xxxxx

      • Hayley

        Anon – your story is so similar to mine although mine was 14 years.. on and off granted but even so he never said that to me before but when he did something clicked inside me and now the only time I ever want to hear from the assclown again is with an apology but I won’t be holding my breath.
        Like you.. his wife was away for her 40th (yes without him.. speaks volumes)! But it was during her time away he admitted he was missing her and loved her. I was like wow!! Really ! That’s not the impression you’ve ever given me!!
        Anyway I wouldn’t even want Brad Pitt in these circumstances so I certainly don’t want him.
        I hope he regrets saying it to me now.. I don’t think he expected I would walk away.. but it serves him right, what makes them think it’s ok to say this to us?!?! I just sat in his car and stared at him in disbelief.
        But I’ll stand by what I say.. yeah he may love her I’m sure he does but that doesn’t mean for one second he is happy with her although I’m sure he tries to make himself believe he is.. so crack on and be with her and leave me out of your crappy Marriage and next time you want an ego boost and your biggest fan to make you feel better and feel like a man.. well.. I just won’t be here!!
        I just regret the time and energy spent trying to impress this imbecile who I thought was my soul mate (yeah right) and it’s a relief to actually not pluck my eyebrows at the moment if I don’t want too! I can just be myself it’s great.
        Goodluck to their wives I say.. they need it. Sorry if my comments do come across a little harsh I just feel anger towards these assclowns
        and hate witnessing all these amazing women (myself included) suffering because of them.

        • Anon

          Hayley
          Your msg was a delight to read. Bang on!! Yes like you I’d expect apology for the way he made me feel but looks like the asshole hasn’t realised that it’s upset me he clearly doesn’t give a toss or care how I feel.. yes your right it’s that switch and it just flipped and all those lovey feelings just disappeared I feel angry more now though that he doesn’t feel the need to at least apologise. He’s prob thinks he not done nothing wrong and I’m just jealous.
          Hell no they are not happy in their marriages cuz they with the boring wives, no fun bills to pay, no excitement. we made these men’s marriages happy and they are happy because they have us as the fall back girl. We fill in the void they not getting at home.

          Like you i regret making all the effort you do make me smile. ( not having to pluck eyebrows) same here letting everything hang loose. No worry about having smooth legs anymore at the moment lol. Your comments do not come across harsh. We all are fuming and venting on this site xx

    • Julie

      Thank you Haley for that pickup. I agree with you. Since they did the breakup it will take them longer to process it. At first they are relieved and happy to not deal with our nagging but in time they will remember how much of their shit we put up with and our nagging was coming from a good place.

      They are not fulfilled in their marriage that’s why we ended up in their life. And what’s more now they know what they could have so it’s even worse for them to be content at home. My MM for sure will find what he can on the side. He may not go for a full emotional affair with one person but he’s the kind of man who needs to be validated and ego stroked and that he can’t get from his wife. So he will always be looking to fill that void.

      But none of that matters for us now. We are focused on filling our own voids. Not on making them happy. That didn’t get us anywhere.

      This is a nice forum. I feel like I’m sharing with close girlfriends. Thank you ladies.

    • Tricia

      Hayley. Thank You for sharing this I so need this today because I had to break contact with Ex M,M because I need work done on my apartment no he didn’t response back I feel so hurt .So your words came at a good time I so wish I could move and he never see me again .

    • WishingIWereStronger

      Haley.. thank you so much for your love and support to me and everyone else in this thread. Your wisdom and strength has helped me tremendously, you have been a godsend 🙂
      I finally feel like I have enough strength to leave this situation, I know it wont be easy but its what is best. Hayley I feel like you have been used and strung a long for a long time, I am happy and proud of your for finally breaking free and moving on with your life. I most definitely look up to you. .you deserve so much better than what you got from him and I pray that you find someone who will treat you as good as you did him, love you and be proud to be with you.. Best wishes to you xoxo

    • Findingmyway

      Hayley thank you so much for your posts. They are inspiring and empowering. These men are deeply damaged individuals. Not happy in their marriages and don’t have the guts to either work on their marriage or move on. Instead they take the easy way. They lie to us and they lie to their wives. They are treating their intimate relationships worse than you would treat an enemy. Also many of these men are attached. Not in love with their wives (or anyone). There is a huge difference between love and attachment. They don’t love us either. They love how we make them feel. But someone who truly loves you would not do this to you (and their wives) for years and years. They found a comfortable pattern for themselves and they love that. It’s easy for them. They are spineless.

  • Tricia

    Piece. I read your story and I’m sorry U experienced such Heartship affairs are a lonely place to be in U feel so alone and ashamed . We all make mistakes the heart wants what it wants don’t blame yourself for his actions he manipulated U . U were vulnerable he knew that but In any case know that your not alone and I U find the strength to rebuild your life without him it’s a challenge and a struggle but can be done . Know that U are good person and U will find love again be strong !! And don’t let this experience chance who U God made U to be !

    • Pieces

      Thank you Tricia, I am on my way to feel good again without having this toxic reality. I feel like he is not going to try again with me because in the end I showed him my worst face, he triggered me and bad feelings have been bottling up inside me.
      Understanding that he can’t take my rage made me realise that he doesn’t love me enough. It was easy for him to like me when I was feeding his ego, having fun, but he always pulled away when I was feeling down. He even told me that I’m dark, not realising that it was caused by his actions.

  • Julie

    It’s been 7 weeks now. It has gotten easier. But it’s still not easy. There are days I feel real empty but it’s not daily which is a big improvement. I’m also keeping busy with a dating app. Am meeting someone today. I don’t feel like it at all, I feel like I’m cheating on the MM but my friends forcing me to go for the distraction. So wish me luck!

    • Pieces

      Julie, that’s amazing! Think about that you are half way through your grieving process and in 7 weeks it’s going to be twice as easy as it is right now.
      I know it’s not easy to date another men, I have been there, crying after some intimacy for several days, feeling like I cheated him even if we weren’t together. After some time reflecting on what happened I think that he has been cheating on me over the entire relationship with her wife. You no longer owe him any loyalty, probably you never had.
      If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t do it, focus on other goals, build yourself to be the best version of yourself and think about how much you worth and how much he lost.

    • Anon

      Julie. Your doing great. It’s a slow process I guess someone your so used to being in contact and then no contact at all. Will 1 week this Wednesday with mine, it was something he said that switched in my head. It’s not all that it seems. Guys bored and I’m his side chick. Gets with me for sex buys be gifts. But you know what it may have taken me god knows how many years to realise but those rose tinted glasses have come off and I’ve trodden on them and trashed em! All these married should go to hell amen!!! Good luck with your date hun. Hope it goes well xxxxx

    • TTSP

      Julie,
      I wish you lots of luck finding a companion that can give you a 100% real relationship. I like your honesty because I’m on the road to recovery as well. I was doing well at first but the holidays were tough. I’m finding that the loneliness is excruciating and I keep thinking about how lucky he is to have a spouse and so many blessings in his life. I’m blessed and fortunate too but I’m angry and jealous that he doesn’t have to be alone. I feel like the sad, pathetic one in the picture. All of it just hurts so so much I can’t even express myself in words. How did I ever think that sharing my body and heart to a man that gives his life, love and world to another woman would ever be even remotely ok? Even as I type the words it sounds like a total self-induced head fu(k. I need to keep a strong memory of all the crappy things he has said and done and how awful I felt inside from his words and behaviors.

      • Hayley

        TTSP do not be jealous.. it’s a wasted emotion I’ve been there.. he isn’t lucky is he.. he’s living a lie and so is his wife.. she hasn’t a clue what she is married too. Feel sorry for them.
        I would take nights of loneliness over being married to a thoughtless, coward, cheating liar anyday of the week. She’s welcome to that !
        Big hugs, for you are soooo much better than he will ever be.

  • Pieces

    Dear all, reading your stories has been heartbreaking and eye-opening at the same time. At first I couldn’t believe that there are so many lovely souls in my shoes.
    I decided to share my story as I can’t tell to anybody else and it’s been suffocating me for far too long.
    I met my m.m when I moved to a different city in a large shared accommodation after a big breakdown, for a new career opportunity.
    I’m not great at making new friends but we quickly got close with this lovely married man. I would sit in a nearby park with a book after work and he was joining me at least 4 times a week, sometimes talking until late night, sharing snacks and drinks alongside our deepest secrets. I was happy to have a friend as I was feeling vulnerable and lonely after relocating. He would tell his story about getting married prematurely because of the social pressure and then having a baby after the contraception had failed. They were struggling with different opinions on raising their kid, huge fights, no sex since the baby was born. Then they decided to make a sibling and nine months later the second baby was born. He admitted that he cheated on her at occasions. I would tell him about my past, struggles with relationships, crushes. I told about him to my parents. They warned me that it’s not okay so I stopped sharing it with them and with my friends. I became very lonely, lying to everyone. At the beginning he was telling stories of working on a difficult marriage, then he admitted that he would love to spend more time with me as I’m a lovely friend but his wife would be jealous and afterwards he would tell me that he can stay out talking to me as long as he wanted because his wife doesn’t give a shift.
    We were doing this for months, sometimes I felt some sparkles but I ignored it as a taboo. I knew his family well. His wife is lovely, but I was surprised that they are together as when I first saw them I thought they weren’t a match.
    One night he asked me if I ever felt the electricity between us. I admitted but then I said there is nothing to do with it as he wasn’t single. He nodded and then the real story began. I fell ill and he visited me to show sympathy then he forcibly tried to grab and kiss me. I was furious! He genuinely apologised many times, he made a mistake. He knew the codes to my building, would access our flat through my unsuspicious flatmates and would sneak in my room to do it again and again, beg me and then he would say sorry the day after. After two months I couldn’t resist, let my guards down and we got crazy in love, having sex at any occasion in different hidden places, hotels. I fell in love like I have never before but I felt guilty as well. My closest family member had serious problems with home wreckers, my parents are divorcing because my father’s affair. I spent some time with his wife on social gatherings and she shared things like how his husband loved when she was wearing short skirts, she asked my opinion about birthday presents for her husband, she shared how needy his husband when she is busy and he demands attention from her. She told me that he wanted to go out the day before but she managed to keep him at home by promising him to spend quality time together after the kids went to sleep. The day before we were meaning to meet up with m.m but he stood me up… He said he fell asleep, low battery etc… This things made me realise that their marriage is pretty normal and he has been playing with me. I confronted him. He made me believe that I was mental and his wife is very manipulative, acting up and telling this made up stories to me because she is jealous and suspicious. I sincerely apologised at first but in the reality I didn’t know what to do. I was miserable, jealous, resentful! I decided to fled this dangerous situation by taking on a promising job in another city. He supported me when it was only an idea. When I got the job and was packing my things he came to me like a storm, he said he’s just had the worst fight with wife, she is terrible and if they stay together they would eventually kill each other, it’s not great to raise kids within this toxic environment, let’s run away together, he will come after me as soon as possible.
    I was over the moon! It was two years ago. Do you think he made the move..?
    Since then, there were nights spent together in every fortnight I would never forget, the biggest intimacy, stars, heaven and then hell, gaslighting, suspicion, lies, lonely holidays for me, stringing along, standing me up on our anniversary because of a suspiciously sudden family emergency, disappearing for weekends, promising to marry me in the future.. Then he claimed that people saw us together and told his wife, and she is about to take his kids away so he broke up with me over the phone on my birthday and then went for an exotic holiday with family. For the children’s sake. And then breaking up again three times because of different excuses then getting back together. Over a break I got together with another man for a few weeks. He turned out to be a tw*t and I ended up getting back with mm. When he learned that I had a brief relationship, he was torturing me for a good six months. I could never talk about issues because he would bring it up all the time, cutting me short.
    He was going away for weekends with family and wife “only for telling friends that they are separating” and other bullshits. He would claim that he went for a holiday with kids without wife but then when he sent me a selfie from the hotel bathroom I would spot a female body wash in the background… Every time I questioned him I was the crazy spy. He tried to move in with me a few times but in the end always the same story.. Wife would take kids out of the country to live with her parents, and he is afraid to lose his children.
    I eventually broke up with him after he promised me to move in with me again but then he changed his mind, same story as ever. He said that probably his wife would follow him for their children’s sake, and his new job will be very demanding, he couldn’t spend time with me and I will probably get too much and needy and we would dump me eventually-this was his excuse. He asked me to hang on and wait for him for one more year and then he will be financially and mentally ready for divorcing. I don’t believe him. I believe him. I was the second woman and the last priority, but sometimes I think I could even take it if I was the third or fourth woman because he is amazing and I’m just a little piece of miserable fudge. I deserve better..
    Eventually I broke up with him. I shouted at him on the street over the phone that I don’t want to be a second woman in his life. He denied that I was the second woman, claiming that they don’t sleep together.. In my worst nightmares I see them expecting the third baby… I’m just so anxious and paranoid! He understood that I can’t live my life like this. We had a calm conversation a few days later when I was honestly about to promise lowering my expectations and behave, hold my jealousy attacks back but then he explained that he’s got so many things to take care of and he can’t give me what I deserve.
    I’m glad it happened but I have lost my faith in human relationships. I could possibly find a man who treats me well but don’t think I would find a better lover. I resent having had this affair and I’m glad it’s probably over but now I think about my next partners (if I will get any) as option B or D, etc… I’m angry because I was never important enough and respected through this wasted years. I was never enough. I have nobody to talk about it as they would judge me. I feel stupid and deceived. Please give me some kind words, I have no support through this!

    • TTSP

      Hi Pieces,
      It’s never about not being enough. Here’s a great article that explains why they rarely if ever divorce. https://www.yourtango.com/2017305192/why-men-will-never-leave-their-wives-their-mistresses I hope this gives you solace and some peace of mind. These relationships or whatever we want to call them chip away at your soul and tear down your self-esteem. They make you feel not good enough and question your worth and value. You think why won’t he make me his one and only. Am I not as lovable or worthy as the wife even though he says she is this, that and the other? What does she have that I don’t have? It’s over before it even starts. I could ramble on for days but I’ll stop. It helps to have this forum and others that will listen, provide advice and general support.

      I totally hear you on being low priority and second place although I felt like last place because even friends could come and visit him freely on weekends. I didn’t get to spend nights or weekends with him. I heard the same thing about not sleeping together when I said I didn’t want to be number two. It’s not just about the sex. It’s everything else that they do together that we want. The one thing we have to remember is that all roads lead to the same place and no matter who you are everyone will get the same results in an affair… lots of pain, disappointment, depression and wasted years.

  • WishingIWereStronger

    I am ashamed of my story but I am so depressed and need to get it off my chest. Thank you to whoever created this, it has helped me so much to hear all the stories that I can relate to. It has taken me weeks to finally get up the courage to writeabout this. I ised to be a good person but thishas turned me into someone ihate. We used to hang out as couples. My ex fiance and i split up but I remained friends with him and his
    wife. We still would hang out with our group of friends a lot and go on camping trips also. As we got to know each other better, we both realized that we had so much in common. We loved the same things, thinngs that our significant others didnt like to do with us. We found ourselves on many occasions, after a few drinks, hanging out just him and I after everyone else passed out. He would secretly hold my hand under water or in the hottub. Or rub my leg.. of course we both always blamed it on the alcohol and never mentioned it during sober times. One night after everyone went to sleep, we found ourselves dancing to our fav song. We whispered to one another that we liked each other and wanted to have sex but i said we would regret it and he agreed. WE ALMost kissed that night but his wife got up so we both backed off. For years this went on, but we never crossed the line, i would never allow it. She was my good friend and I loved her dearly. He would always do special thinngs for me.. plan outings for my bday but not anyone else.. things like that. Before we would hang out I would always tell myself that I would stay away from him but he would always find a way to me somehow. Then one night, we were hanging out at my house. Everyone passed out and I bagan to pass out on one of my couches, him on the other. I woke up sometime in the middle of the night to him kissing me and touching me. I wanted to stop him but i was too intoxicated and didn’t honestly realize it was him at first. After i knew it was him tho, i allowed it to continue and kissed him back. That was 7 months ago and we have been talking every day since then and seeing one another at least weekly. One weekend his wife got upset because she saw him kiss me, if course i got all the blame and she hasnt spoken to me since. He moved out into their weekend house and said he wanted to commit to me and be with me. He said he was leaving her but had to do it slowly because of their child. A few months passed and the weather is cold now.. so he said he needed to move back into their house because the other weekend house wasnt equipped for the cold. He doesn’t speak to me while he is home and spends a lot of time with her still. He says he doesnt sleep wih her but i don’t believe him. I have decided that I am not going to be his toy anymore and allow him to do this to me but he always lures me back in somehow. I do love and care about him but i want my life back. I want him out of my head and i want to move on. I am worth more than 2nd place and I have to find a way to leave this behind me. He is a master munipulator tho and always finds a way to me. Looking back, i feel like he has been slowly grooming me for this since day 1 that I met him. The thought of that makes me sick but i still want him regardless. I feel likr a disgusting and worthless person. And i am sad thag i lost a best friend also. Things will never be the same with my otherfriends We can never hang out the same because he is a mutual friend. I want to leave him but the pain of being without him now is unbearable. Im so lost. I just want to forget him and have my life back.

    • Tricia

      I wishing I were stronger. I felt he took advantage of you and what U were going thru he manipulate u and seduced U because U we’re vulnerable. U aren’t to blame solely please put some distance between U and this man find someone who is available to commit to U .Yes U made a mistake ask God for his forgiveness and move on the best way U can .U are not bad person be kind to yourself all these married man swoop up women who are at there lowest point In their life tell U what U want to hear give all the attention U need and sex get U hooked and drop a Bomb on U and Or just disappear and leave U just wondering what happened here ? U are a lovely person who just got caught up Sweetie. Feel Better.

      • WishingIWereStronger

        Thank you Tricia for all the kind words and encouragement. He contacted me yesterday and says that had a convo with his wife that he was leaving and getting his own place. I want to believe him but I feel in my heart that he will never leave and this is just another ploy to keep me around and get his satisfaction. Deep down inside I remember that I never wanted this in the first place, how this has even came to be is still mind boggling for me because Im not sure what got into my head and why I allowed it and even worse why I continue to allow it. And the sickest thing is that I like being with him, knowing he has a wife and she was my friend. I love spending time with him and the attention he gives me. He has become part of my daily routine, we talk constantly. I am thinking of seeking some help from a counselor or something to help me figure out the root of all of this. Maybe that will hekp me to stop it and move on. The depression and anxiety of this has wrecked havic on my life. I cant focus on things I need to do anymore, i want to stay in my house and hide from the world and I have been having thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. The guilt, the need to feel valued, my self worth… it all is just piling up on me and I feel smothered. I need help getting through this and finding the courage to say no. And I need help finding a way to heal from all of this.

        • Tricia

          Wishing I Were Stronger.I know it’s hard to break free from these married man I dealing with the same thing please don’t hate hate yourself we all make mistakes if U feel U need someone to talk to do that live your life to the fullest !! No suicide talk U had a affair but U are more then some man mistress don’t let this experience break U or define your worth or value has a women !! U owe it to yourself to have a beautiful life forgive yourself God Knows your Heart and Soul .Hugs !!

  • Tricia

    Anon. Yes it is very inappropriate and disrespectful to share that with U you are his OW U don’t want to know that he still sleeping with his wife . I hope With time and space U are able to move on and find someone who appreciate U . Pray for strength to do so .

    • ANONYMOUS

      No MAN talks about what happens between him and his spouse! My MM was the very same way! Remember if he can talk to you about his wife, he WILL talk about you to his friends!. He even told me that no other man will want me. I told that’s a chance I’m willing to take!. It’s been 4 months now and trust me it was hard in the beginning but it gets easier, with time. Only last night he called to say how much he misses me. This man went was far as purchasing me a phone and installed the mobile tracker app on it. He was listening to my conversations, reading my emails/whataspp messages and could see what I was doing in my home. It’s the stupid like that, that can make love turn into hate.

      • Tricia

        Anonymous. Please be careful sound like a controlling man and that Is very dangerous ! Most men don’t like when a women quit them first they wanna be the one who end things for their Ego sakes men aren’t good with rejection but we deal rejection all the time . Proud of U for moving on and realizing U deserve better continue to stay strong !

        • ANONYMOUS

          Tricia. Thank you for ypur encouraging words!.I am a lot better now. How are you coping?
          The thing is I didn’t know he was a MM until 2 years after, I was already in love. Well he’s now miles away and very little contact has been made because he realise now that I’m no longer answering his phone calls or messages. His wife on the other hand is literally harassing me! She calls my phone from different numbers just to curse me out and ask questions but real women don’t talk their business so I simply told her to ask her husband ALL she want answers to. I did not admit or deny the affair, it’s really not my place to do so!.

          • Tricia

            Anonymous. He wife don’t trust him anymore . And she is becoming unraveled please be careful!!! Things could escalate and she might want to hurt U ? I personally think she know her husband has feelings for U . U also might want to get a restraining order against her because if U messed with her she wouldn’t think twice about getting one on U !! Yes u made a mistake call it bad judgement) but u are human and his wife shouldn’t be coming to U didn’t marry her !!!! No disrespect but it’s the truth watch your back do what U need to do to protect yourself . I’m glad U feeling better distant does help continues to be kind to yourself stay strong !!

    • Anon

      Tricia. Thank you for your reply. Yes I agree I just wanted another woman’s opinion as i always end up justifying the toe rags actions. I can’t believe where the care goes. When shit hits the fan they run a mile and have no heart to see how their words might have affected us. So cold hearted.. Yet they tell you they love you. But that’s for wanting sex I guess. Tricia I hope you hanging in there. How do you feel now since no contact? I feel better in a way that I’m not alone and there is support here xx

      • Tricia

        Anon . I’m hanging In there ! I had my drink thou and cried I want to call him just to hear his voice but I put the phone up I miss him . It’s a struggle I pray for strength thou. I need the support so I stay connected . Stay Strong I know it’s hard but we deserve better and we never get it hanging on to them . T.C

        • Anon

          Hey Tricia. Don’t cry babe. Me backing off will be a week on this Wednesday. I’m okayish think i was hurt to begin with not now tho, I am angry and pissed how little I knew about him… This time I didn’t even say tada. I just left him wondering I obv gave him my piece but didn’t say Adios amigo so I know for a fact he will think il feel bad about what I said to him and then apologise. Hell no! I haven’t cried and won’t cry. From what I notice on this platform is a lot of bright intelligent women on here and going through hell. Tricia please don’t cry and I wish you all the best with your new date. Hope it goes well. Ah bless you… think I need to find some distraction too xx

        • Anon

          Tricia hey sweet sorry my phone played up and i kinda messed up the last part of msg… i apologise… I feel I could give you a cuddle. I will pray for you. I will pray for all and myself. Don’t give up and don’t attempt to ring the toe rag you will just go around and around in this vicious circle. 😡😡😡 makes me so angry these situations. I could shoot em!!

        • WishingIWereStronger

          Tricia, reading your post brings me to tears. Crying is good tho, that is our souls way of healing.. you have to grieve even tho these jerks don’t deserve to have someone grieving over them, its about you now and not him. Please stay strong, get yourself busy and try to stay away from your phone as much as you can. Lots of hugs to you Tricia. I am here if you ever need to talk or support, I could really use a good friend right now as well of anyone wants to chat. Thanks
          wiws1985@gmail.com

    • the one who was betrayed

      Tricia, you are such a beautiful person. Thank you for telling me that, I feel as if you are my sister also and all the other ladies here, we are all sisters, we will stand together and get through these hard times. Ladies please keep you head high, I was able to make it 8 weeks without my MM, no calls no texts nothing. No contact at all, and look at me, im still standing, I was so hurt but time will heal us, we will never forget these times, but they will be miserable all of their life!!! I hope they all rot! He totally did me a favor by dumping after 12 years !!!!! I love u ladies! love u tricia!

  • Anon

    I made the biggest mistake of my life. Been seeing this MM for last 8 years known for 15 years. It’s a awful place to be in and I’m sick and tired i want out. I want to stop thinking of him. I don’t feel I love him I think I might be just obsessed with him. I need the strength to not give a toss and not feel anything. How???

    • Tricia

      Anon . Thanks For Sharing your story. Nothing but time and space away from the married man . And it’s so hard I haven’t seen my ex married man since October 15 ! We spoke since but it’s over and I’m trying to be strong but I’m tempted to drink I miss him . It’s a real struggle ! Caroline your married man is string U along and keeping his options open and back and fourth stuff is painful mine do that to me when he see I’m trying let go too . They deal with us with a long handle spoon they want it all at our expense. Ladies we deserve better !

      • Anon

        Tricia – thank you for your msg. To cut a long story short. His Mrs was away and we were having this convo via text he was telling me had cleaned up the house so I said I assume the wife is back. His reply was yes been cleaning and now need to clean/shave the below – to me this meant he was telling me he was getting ready for sex with her when she arrives. I know what I’m doing with him is wrong and they get intimate but wasn’t that inappropriate to tell me this. So I got upset and said I didn’t need to know this and few other things.. Ladies I just want to know was I over sensitive or he was being a dick for saying this?? I mean why would he imply that ( im getting my genitals cleaned and shaved) My god ladies how we got into this. Please god help us.

    • Julie

      I really believe when you decide you want to leave you’ll get the strength. Till then it’s a rollercoaster of highs and lows. I’m so tired of it. Like you. 8 years. It’s so not worth it anymore. But it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Even though we’ve ended things many times before every time it’s the same. Heartache loneliness regret sadness depression and feeling like the loser in the equation. But because I don’t want to go through this yet again, I’m mentally deciding this is it. This will be the end of this 8 year saga. Are you ready to end it? Wanting isn’t enough cause it’s too hard and we get tempted too easily. It needs much more courage. I hope I can make it throug. Take care of you.

      • Anon

        Hi Julie. Hope you keep going strong. I can’t believe we all have the same dynamics of this sh**ty situation. I am done with mine. It’s sadness loneliness and have made him my happiness. Why did I. Anyway I’m done with him. He said to me the other that he had cleaned up the house and now just needs to clean his below private’s. This to me implied he going to be having some sexy time with wife. ( she was away and coming home) I mean why tell me that. That wasl so inappropriate and insensitive. I don’t care what and when he’s intimate with wife don’t tell me this not when you just f***ed me two days ago. I feel used and abused. I even thought at one point maybe I have over reacted but I’m not sure how you ladies would have reacted. Good luck all

        • Julie

          You certainly did not overreact!!! He disregarded your feelings and even if you both know what happens with him and his wife, in my view he was very disrespectful and inconsiderate. My MM wouldn’t dare go that far but there were plenty of moments he didn’t bother to think how his words and actions would sting me. Or he didn’t care. Either way for us it’s the same, we get disrespected hurt and shoved aside when we’re inconvenient for them. Thank you for sharing this because it’s brought back memories of those hurtful moments with my MM. Giving me new fuel to keep going with ending this thing once and for all. !!! All the crap I had to put up with!!!! And it wasn’t totally his fault either. He was married. He has sex with his wife that’s what married people do (even if he swore on the moon stars and everything in between that he wasn’t!). Whether they admit it or not. So no you were not overreacting. He missed the basic decency mark with that comment. But the bigger issue is not what he meant or didn’t mean to say, it’s that we are constantly being hurt and our self-respect is being eroded and our confidence chipped away at on regular basis. Get out. Really. I hope you find the anger I’ve seemed to miraculously find to push me to make the hard decision to not let him back in. I’m so hoping and trying hard mentally to keep strong so I don’t waiver when he does return. And maybe if I’m lucky (and a little more heartbroken) he will not ever contact me again and I won’t have to deal with the dilemma of responding. If I’m lucky.

          • Tricia

            Julie . U are so right with saying our self respect and confidence is chipped away from us . Because there we’re times when I was intimate with my MM and when left I used and like a piece of trash or A Hoe ! Yes I did but I fell in love with him knowing he was married and had nothing to offer me which made me felt stupid for dealing with him and being his lover ! And I cannot be angry at him because I knew better I was and still selfish because I still want him and miss him but I can’t have him and what we share with these men are real for them . The truth is they have no respect for because we settled for less we are just Good Times Girls to them . That’s why they the Shit they do us and they say we can be friends what they really saying it’s over . This is my last affair ! I’m just grieving what I thought I had I’m so Thankful to correspond with U ladies and I hope we find our Peace and Happiness Again !!!’

          • Anon

            Julie. Thank you for your reply. Yes I believe so I didn’t over react. How are you feeling. So do you feel better or any regret? I don’t feel I love mine. I think i might be just obsessed and I need to change my mind set, but I’m addicted to the company but what he said that was like a game changer to me. Implying he will be sleeping with her wtf.. how dare he! Maybe he did me a favour I don’t see him the way I did. So that’s why I say I don’t feel I love him anymore but just obsessed with him. Does that even make sense lol why oh why god did this happen to me. Big sigh.. xx

  • Caroline

    I was dating a MM for 7 months. Our relationship was supposed to be fun; to fill something that was missing i. our marriages. Problem is, I fell in love with him. He has repeatedly said he wouldn’t allow himself to live me be because he knew it would make things harder in the long run. He broke things off 5 weeks ago to work on things at home. I’m miserable. He wants to be “friends” and we’ve been texting everyday, but it’s killing me to have contact with him. Every time he texts there’s a small part of me that wants him to say he’s sorry and wants to continue the affair. I don’t know why I can’t let go. It’s not like the relationship was so great. I was constantly filled with anxiety and stress, always yearning for more. I’ve never felt this way before; this is worse than a typical breakup. I desperately just want to be me again. Not the shell of the woman I once was.

    • Hayley

      Caroline – cut contact.. this is what my MM did, stopped wanting to see me but wanted to stay friends and that just meant texting everyday. You will never move on and get over him whilst you are allowing this and he’s keeping you just where he wants you, a soft landing if he needs you in the future. Let him live without your texts and see how long before he comes back wanting to see you again and if he doesn’t at least you’ll be recovered.
      This is just limbo and it’s not fair on you. I cut contact and whilst i miss talking to him I don’t miss the anxiety of waiting for ‘that’ text to arrive. I kept my phone out of reach to help at first.. now I don’t expect a text so I don’t jump the second it goes off and it’s like a huge weight lifted.
      Trust me… it’s hard but youll be glad you did it. Cut the cord.. block him or tell him to respect your wishes and let you move on.

      • TTSP

        Hayley,
        I read your story below and you are an inspirational success story for me. I’ve been trying to extricate myself from this unhealthy mess for months and months. We break up, withdraw and end up back in each other’s arms only to repeat the miserable cycle all over again. Like you, hearing him tell me that he has a good life and loves his wife completely solidified the ending for me. I emotionally detached and it was the catalyst I needed. Anyhow, we work together so I can’t go completely no contact yet. No contact outside of work has lifted the anxiety and gives me hope for a future with someone that can give me true love in a real relationship.

        I’m so done feeling unloveable, not good enough and most importantly not the chosen one. No one is worth accepting the scraps of their attention to feel romantic closeness. I may be lonely but I’d rather be alone than pining away after some man that would probably cheat on me and make a crappy husband. All the best to him bc he’s going to need it. Good luck to the men and women trying to free themselves from this prison. If you can cut off contact and never look back you’ve given yourself one of the greatest gifts.

        • Hayley

          TTSP – only this morning I walked across my works carpark and thought ‘I’m so glad we no longer work together’ is there no way you can move jobs? Leave? I worry you will easily be dragged back in.. for me it needs to be 100% no contact to recover and move on and that means not seeing him… ever.. not even a glimpse! We still work in the same industry and even seeing his name on some paperwork last week set me back.. I almost quit my job just for that.. it’s really needs to be 100% cut off… this is why it’s sooo important to completely disappear.
          Please think about it. A job is just a job, your health is worth so much more & in the meantime avoid him like the plague.

          • TTSP

            Hayley,
            Thanks for writing me back. I’m thinking I may have to look for another job. I’ve been considering it anyway for career growth and exposure to new things. I wouldn’t wish this hell on anyone. I feel like it’s complete poison and I’m disappointed in myself for not having the strength to walk away when he told me he wasn’t going through a divorce again. At that moment it was game over and sadly that was a long time ago. I’m pissed at myself for carrying on with him and pissed at him for not walking away when he knew he had nothing to offer.

            I’ve heard everyone say it needs to be no contact as in nothing. You give us hope and encouragement that it can be done. I usually have resolve and determination but this has been the major exception. Sorry if I’m rambling and incoherent. I feel particularly frazzled today over this situation.

    • Julie

      Caroline – the anxiety paranoia constantly doubting his words…what a heavy toll on all of us. It’s debilitating mentally. When he walked away for 5th or 6th or 7th time nearly 6/7 weeks ago one of the strongest feelings I had was relief. Like a huge burden had been removed. I didn’t have to deal with the anxiety and the constant panic of would he leave would I say something that went to far would my expectations push him over the edge. What was he doing when he took that photo for me. What was he doing when he took extra time to reply. Who was he having lunch with. Who was he talking to on WhatsApp. Why was he offline for so long. OMG. Just styling it is giving me stress in my back shoulders! This is what I’m so genuinely happy to not be dealing with. I miss him but I don’t think I miss him more than the feeling of relief. And it’s not just relief. I feel scared at the thought of having to go through these feelings of anxiety paranoia stress jealousy all over again. Im really scared because I know what it feels like. It’s like my body is telling me not to put it through that again. There’s no way we can be friends with them. No matter how we cut things we HAVE to go through s**t to come out of this. There’s no easy way out of it. Staying friends is not an easy way out. Unfortunately. I’ve tried That too but it keeps me mentally connected to him which is precisely what’s I need to break to get away from him. Social media! He hasn’t contacted me since he left me stranded at an airport with one text message afterwards to say he was done. No contact dice then. I’ve deleted my IG account though it still exists in cyberspace. Ive deleted his numbers so even if I want to now I don’t have them to stalk his online status (another relief!). The only place we still connected is on twitter and he keeps liking photos that I’m in. Work related stuff. It gave me such excitement and relief the first time I saw notification that he had liked the first photo. It was like a drug addict getting his fix after long withdrawal. He keeps liking any photo that I’m in. But he’s such a coward he cannot contact me to explain himself even. He’s such a bastard that he walks away like that then has the nerve to like my photos. The more time passes the angrier I get at his sense of entitlement. Don’t get me wrong I do miss him at moments I want to message to tell him I love him so much. But those moments are not stronger than these moments when I physically and emotionally relive the the trauma they put us through. Or we put us through. I really believe we are traumatized by this whole experience. Our whole being is affected. Hope you will see things the same and do the hard work of cutting the cord. There really isn’t any other option. It’s either now or later. And since we aren’t getting younger and things get harder with time, better to go through the final bit of trauma and end it. Just close eyes and tell yourself this is it. No matter how amazing he is no matter how great connection we have how much of soulmates we are how he makes me feel alive and passionate, this isn’t going to last this isn’t good for me. Tell yourself that all the time all day long. Maybe one day you will believe it enough to go through it. Sorry for rambling on. It’s therapeutic for me too 🙂

    • TTSP

      Hi Caroline,
      He gave you a gift by ending the affair. I know it doesn’t feel that way right now and you are hurt, feeling rejected, angry, confused and totally messed up. Now you have the liberty to walk away while it’s still fairly early. I remember being 6 months in and knowing this was a really dark road to go down yet here I am 2 years later and it just gets harder and harder to escape. Time is precious and before you know it you’ll have given him years of your life. Please run away and close that door forever. It’s significantly harder to get out if they want to continue on indefinitely and they know how to cajole you and suck you back into their web.

  • ANONYMOUS

    I’ve been dating the MM for almost 5 years, at first it was just supposed to be fun, but it developed into something more serious to the point where he promised to leave his wife. Over the course of years he started coming up with all the excuses why he couldn’t leave her, with the last one being he was afraid she would kill him. Now I’m not happy that this is still happening, but every time I mention to him that it’s over he tells me ” you’re not going anywhere”!. He tries to control my every move and once we’re together I can’t answer my phone, unless it’s a family member and when I say that I literally mean an immediate family member!. This man wants me but don’t want to leave his wife, who he claims he’s loves, but is not “in love” with her.
    I blocked his number however, he comes to my house to bring me gifts and invites me to the beach.. I thinks that he’s in love but I know it’s wrong for me to entertain him because he got his family, which includes a teenage daughter.
    Finally he moved to another country, where his wife lives. I hoped that he can find the courage to break it off with me now that he’s no longer here. But he surprised me and showed up at my door step and invited me to spend the two weeks with him, which I graceful declined!!!. He questioned why he could not have met me years ago. The thing is after seening him for the first time 4 months, I felt NOTHING for him! I know I’m on my way out the door now. I’m over him!

  • Anonymous38

    I really enjoy reading all of your stories…its crazy how they’re all so similar…My relationship with ex-MM broke me down so much to the point it led me to drink ALOT!!! I am an individual that has self control and lost it…I was in a dark place, this was last year…But this year I am a new person…Im realizing how much of an amazing person I am and Im sure you ladies are as well…thats why these MM fall for us!! But we deserve so much more! The best that God as to offer…Not some lame who cheats on his wife…

    I reached a point where Im tired!!! Im ready to be completely done…dont want to think of him or his wife EVER AGAIN!!!
    I have his belongings…I just want him to pick them up…out of the goodness of my heart his things are still at my house…Im not going into 2019 with this foolishness…NO MORE!!!

    Oh btw he asked me to pray for him because someone is doing voudou on him…and of course I said yes…I started fasting and praying for him…one day while I was asleep I was spiritually attacked, I felt a hand pushing my head down…I called on the name of jesus to wake me up….yeah so I need to stay far far away from him…

    • Farrah

      Hi Anonymous38. First, I want to commend you for deciding to end your relationship with MM but the best thing here is that you stopped from drinking a lot and realized that you are one amazing lady! Knowing yourself more after that chapter of your life is so rewarding, isn’t it? I wish you can keep it up and I believe you will. There’s just one thing I am concerned about. If you said you are being spiritually attacked, much better to seek spiritual advise (from priest or anyone from your religion) to help you out. Good thing you are also praying for him, it’s a sign of moving on I think, and gaining peace of mind too. We don’t know what was the cause of your experience but spiritual advise maybe of help. I think you should get rid of his belongings too..
      Sending good vibes to everyone 🙂

  • Conflicted

    I am currently trying to find the strength to walk away from my MM.
    He lives in the house right across from me. He is here during the week for work and leaves on the weekend back to his family. I have blocked his number several times, told him to just leave me alone, and actually hid from him. But on those nights where I am lonely and in need of companionship, he is so easily accessible. I am a single mom to a 2 year old boy. I pray often for God to take this desire away from me. Although I think the desire in itself is not bad.( for companionship and love) I was going to end things yesterday and he brings me flowers, gifts, and a t’shirt to wear when he is away. If he didn’t live right across the street from me it would be so much easier. Temptation is always awaiting the day i feel weak. He is always there, watching me from across the street. Telling me how beautiful I am. The comfort of having a relationship without the actual commitment of a relationship is what has me drawn to him. I know it is wrong and I battle in my head every single day. I am not this person. But the sting of loneliness often wins my head over when he comes with his kind words and warm hugs. I used to have such a beautiful relationship with my Creator, God. Now I am always hiding from Him and isolating myself from people because of my guilt. You would think that would be enough to walk away. But the intoxication of a man holding me and telling me what I want to hear is so strong and hard to get away from. It feels like home. But I know that it is fake. One day I pray I am strong enough to walk away and stay away.

    • Julie

      I hope you find the strength because time only makes it hurt. My MM is in a different country and I’m so attached, I can’t imagine what it would be like having him across the street! I don’t know how feasible it is but if I were you I would seriously try to move if I could. Affairs are dangerous on so many fronts. It eats us from the inside out till we don’t recognize ourselves. At least that’s how I feel. Luckily you have a little boy to love and take care of and when you are free mentally and emotionally you’ll also meet someone to romantically share your days and nights with. I hope you will be able to resist his temptations. Sending you positive vibes

      • Conflicted

        Thank you so much Julie.

        Its not possible to move and the home we live in was a score. Very nice in a nice neighborhood for cheap. I’m not sure how long he will be here for work. Luckily he is gone until Monday on Thanksgiving break. I have been praying for God to show me the truth about the situation. I know that any “warmness” I feel from him is fake. It’s not real… it’s comfort wrapped around poison. Like you said that will eat us from the inside out. I got all his things together to give him back. I was for sure headed towards freedom. He just texted me Happy Thanksgiving and it’s like my self control was no where to be found. It really is like a drug and I can’t seem to say no even when I know it leads to danger.

        I will keep praying while I have this break from
        him being home.

        Thank you again for your kind words and understanding.

        💛💛

    • Tricia

      Conflicted . I know your story all too well my M M is my property manager ! I knew it was a bad idea ! But I was very much attracted to him so we meant and just start talking as friends and eventually things happened I never been with a married man before yes it was wrong but like u I had to boys and single and very lonely my sister died and my father I was a mess ! But he was alway there as a friend and I so need that extra “ comfort and joy he brought . But it’s been 7 yrs off and on plus every time we got together he left and I felt lonely or the sadness would come . As time went on now started to just feel used not cared for and now I guess it’s over ? He don’t call and I’m tired of reaching out to him first I want him to want me but that’s not gonna happen ! The problem I have to still see him when I pay rent I may run into we speak and I fall all the time knowing it’s not good for me . My point is Conflicted I totally get where U at but realize U will never really be free when the man is that close U might even I day see his family stop by or other women ? And that would be so painful for U . I used to go with my neighbor yrs ago bad idea because I saw to much and I was so hurt I had to move ! To where I’m at now and now I need to move so I can be totally free of him !!! But I can’t afford it but I pray things get better . Nothing is wrong with wanting to be loved and cared for or wanting sex yes I said it ! But getting it from a married man comes with a High Cost ! I hope U find your way out of this affair . Stay Strong !!

      • Conflicted

        Thank you for sharing your story!!

        MM texted me today to tell me happy Thanksgiving and that he is thinking about me.
        Makes me sick he is hiding somewhere texting me while his family is in the other room.

        I keep praying for God to help me get out.
        For the inner strength to pick self love over fear which keeps me with him.

        My faith is that He will guide me out.

        Peace and love my friend.

      • WishingIWereStronger

        Tricia.. when readings your posts I can feel your pain so badly. Im so sorry you are going through this. It would be terrible having to see him every time you pay your rent and knowing he could come by your house at any time. Maybe you could mail your rent or drop it off after hours? Might not be as convenient but whatever it takes to stay away from him. I always feel like the longer I go without seeing my MM, the stronger I get. You are a beautiful person, inside and out I can tell.. he was lucky to have you but now he lost you. He wont forget you and will regret this, its just going to take some time for him. When he comes back around, hopefully you are to a point where you can say no and have the last laugh/word. Stay strong and give all your love to yourself 💪🏻 💐 I feel like I should be saying all of these things to myself as well. Its just so much easier said than done. But I know I have to keep my strength and courage and do whats best for myself.

  • K

    I am desperately trying to end things with my MM. he lives across the street from me. He lives in town M-F for work and then goes home on the weekends. I do good and block his number but some nights are hard and I get weak and he is there to comfort me… always watching me from across the street… I am a single mother who longs for companionship. Never would I ever of wanted to date a married man . I hate myself but I’m addicted to his touch and his kindness. I pray that God takes the desire from me . This isn’t who I want to be and I know I deserve more but the convience of him living across the street makes it hard to completely cut off all contact.

    I am grateful for this thread. I long for the day I am strong enough to let go and stay gone

  • Hayley

    All it takes is a mind shift.. if someone had told me a few weeks back I would be feeling so much better having no contact I would never have believed them. I felt stuck in that situation in my own head.
    And all it took was him to sit there and tell me he loved his wife after 14 years on and off making out he wasn’t happy! I remember the day he reappeared I was fuming as I hadn’t thought about him in a long time. Of course it didn’t take him long to break me down and I fell for it.. if only he had been honest and told me he loved her from the start!!!
    Since the day he shared this information i just knew…it was a huge game changer for me so I blocked him everywhere.. he can’t find me now, he can’t have his fix of me, he made his choice and that’s fine with me now. I look in the mirror, I like what I see, I feel free again, I feel more relaxed without him, I’m doing me now and it’s no longer about him!
    That feeling of not being chosen, not being good enough.. nope!! That feeling is gone and it’s so nice!
    I binge on Netflix, I take long baths, I see my friends, I go the gym, walk my dog and I’m enjoying my life again.. no more tears!
    Ladies.. this situation is exhausting. Mentally exhausting so change things.. flip that switch in your mind, it can be done and it’s so refreshing.
    As for him.. I couldn’t care less about his crappy marriage (which it is… 14 years of crappy marriage) goodluck to him and goodluck to them they will need it.
    i think he suddenly became happily married because he had me there in the background (his biggest fan) .. they say we actually help these marriages to survive!! So let’s see how long until he’s unhappy again now that I’m gone.
    Don’t make it about these men anymore!! They truly aren’t worth it and time away makes you realise it.
    And if he ever comes knocking again he will be welcomed with a bolted door in his face. I don’t care to ever see or speak to the insecure assclown again..no man is worth this pain.. no man!!
    Stay strong ladies you can escape it. Trust me.

    • Julie

      Hayley – I can imagine how mentally freeing it must be not to have that anxiety! I hope I reached that point sooner than later. How long it’s been for you since he’s out?

      • Hayley

        Julie – I’ve been doing the slow fade for months I would block unblock he would break contact or I would and so on.. you know the drill.
        It was only a few weeks ago this final meeting (he didn’t know it was final) but when he said those words to me ‘I love her’ after trying to kiss me!! I remember I sat there looking at him thinking ‘who the hell are you to make me feel like this about myself, who are you’ and something just clicked. I didn’t even cry when I drove away and I haven’t since. This is huge progress.
        This time I’m not counting the days of no contact.. I refuse to think about him every minute of the day.. I’m learning to keep those emotions in check by telling them who’s boss and it’s working. I actually do not wish to ever speak to him again and he will be staying blocked forever. I’ve also left social media for a while to stop me stalking his wife.. (yes I admit this was a real problem for me!) and I’m not even missing social media at the moment.. I’ll go back on after Christmas but not to stalk, nope never ever again! it’s nice and my mind is starting to relax.
        I keep coming to this forum to keep my strength up but I’m doing so much better than I thought.
        Us ladies get to a point and when we reach ‘that point’ then we are done! It takes a while to get there but it will come trust me. Last year I thought this was my soul mate, I loved him so much blar blar blar now I sit here wondering if I ever loved him at all.. I’m relieved he’s gone so what does that say!
        I also realise that even if we were the most stunning amazing women in the world it wouldn’t make any difference what’s so ever.. they will never ever leave.. very few do and always at the very beginning of an affair not 14 years down the line!!!
        So now I let him live happily ever after without me around.. that’s his loss, silly man!
        You can do this ladies.. don’t allow them this power.. block him delete everything throw a little funeral for your assclown then wish him luck (in your mind not in person) then go and be fabulous you. Be kind to yourself always, it works.
        We really don’t need them I promise. I pity these sad unhappy men who have no back bone to change their lives and will live like that for the rest of their lives.. it’s tragic !! Xx

        • Julie

          Hayley – I felt as angry and fed up as you the first month after he left me. I didn’t cry Iike every other time. I will was just so angry and pissed off at his nerve to discard me with no respect for the time we’ve had together. Just walk out when he pleases and return when he does. Anyway that was the first four weeks. Now, week six and I miss him again. I’ve deleted his number, deleted IG and don’t have him on FB. But he’s on twitter and I do check on him there. I deleted twitter but use it for work so reinstalled. I don’t have the courage yet to unfollow him. I’m thinking I’ll just be strong and not let it affect me too much. My point was that I wish that anger I felt the first month lasted so I don’t feel this sadness now because the past couple of days I truly miss him. Sleep affected and all.

          • Hayley

            Julie – week six is the hardest this is when most people cave in but please I’m begging you not too.. after week eight things start to become easier, it takes this long to break an addiction/habit apparently.
            I had a weak moment today too after seeing his name on some paperwork on my desk (he works for my largest customer) to the point where I’m considering moving jobs.. yes it’s that serious! I don’t want any set backs, ever! He is dead to me & I need to make sure it stays that way.
            Six weeks is a massive achievement, you should treat yourself & have something to look forward too. It is easier when you are angry but I’m angrier at myself.. I’ve made a commitment to myself to move on no matter how hard it gets.
            One day you will be strong enough to unfollow him, in the meantime limit yourself to how often you look & don’t ‘like’ any of his posts ever!.
            One day we will wake up & they will be completely gone from our minds, I can’t wait for that day.. but it will only come with time & space. We can do this! Read a good book, watch some girlie tv and be kind to yourself. Cold turkey it out.. some days will be harder than others… just hang in there & laugh that he doesn’t have you anymore. His loss.
            Sending big hugs.. you can make another 6 weeks. X

        • Zahra

          Thanks for these words Hayley. I think i also need to delete my social media as i constantly find myself on his wifes page. I know its unhealthy and it makes me feel like sh*t when she’s posting about what a ‘loving’ husband she has.

    • Findingmyway

      Hayley this is the best post ever! You are so inspiring. There is something so therpeutic in distance. You start to really see that person for who they really are which is often not who we thought. And you realize, that while there are some good and bad moments, you really are ok. And this will just continue in the days and months to come. You will become more and more ok. Even happy. You are now free from what was really a miserable relationship. The assclown (perfect name for him!) doesn’t have as much of a hold over you as you thought. Once you decided it was done you did it! You are in control of making yourself happy. I’m just incredibly proud of you and inspired by you!

      • Hayley

        Finding my way – I’m proud of all of these ladies on here for speaking out. We aren’t bad people, none of us as kids imagined we would ever love a married man & get ourselves in these awful situations.
        Someone recently told me we are the CEO of ourselves & our emotions are our employees & if we allow these employees to take over then our business will fail.. you have to tell these emotions off & keep them in line. It sounds so daft but this really really works for me.
        We were our own person before these men arrived.. we need to remember who we were and get them back again. Stop allowing them this power over us.
        Free your mind, when you feel sad calm your mind & work through it. They really are useless worthless idiots deep down but we put them on a pedestal for some reason. Time to knock them off it. This isn’t love.
        They are missing out on us full time.. so who are the losers?
        Please break free.. you can do it. Block block block and don’t ever look back. I swear I will punch him if he ever returns a 5000000th time!! Im so done with his toxic rubbish! Big hugs to you. Stay strong x

    • Xxx

      Hayley, i couldnt agree more! 😊 I soooo regret for making that mistake in my life even if only for less than a year. I hope all these ladies stop being so blindly in love and see the world for what it really is. I am so happy he is not part of my thoughts even (except for the regret of putting myself so low and unintentionally being a nightmare of someone’s wife). But it has been a great lesson i suppose. I even dont visit this site as much since i dont think of him anymore. Keep strong ladies, you dont need this in your life.

    • Tricia

      Hayley. I’m so glad U are in a good place ! I hope to be there to soon it’s a process thou .Julie I wish U all the best hang In there girl !!

    • Farrah

      Hi Hayley! Absolutely true. I’m loving your vibes as I read your post. It’s so empowering. I also like to believe that we are helping their marriages to survive. But after all, it’s their choice if they will start to fix their marriage or not. We don’t care and we wont care anymore. I also have that feeling of being FREE again, it is more than amazing.

      I just love reading each and everyone’s story here. We can make it ladies. Sending good vibes to all! 🙂

  • ML

    Hello Ladies,
    I’m so glad to have stumbled on this thread. You see, I thought I was alone until now. I broke up with MM in May. We have been having the affair for about 2 years almost. It has been a roller coaster of emotions as I am also married. I don’t have kids but he does. He is on his 3rd marriage… I thought there was a future for us. He is a brilliant man, very down to earth and a kind soul. Like me, he had gone through adversity and made his way to the top of his profession. Amidst all the good qualities is a very confused and egotistical man. He has made me expect and get disappointed several times throughout the affair. Each time, I let him crawl his way back. Finally, I figured I’d have enough last May. Radio silence. Then in Aug he reached out through email. I never replied. Few days ago he emailed me again. I have no urge to reply but I just wanted to tell him to leave me alone!! He chose to get back and work it out with his wife so why is he reaching out again??? (found a pic of them in facebook) I have respected him enough to not contact him since May.
    I am being strong because I believe I deserve better. I deserve respect. I need to forgive myself and continue to work out things with my loving husband. If it doesn’t, then It’s fine as long as I don’t ever go back to being involved in an affair. I regret getting entangled in this mess.

    Be strong and we can do this! Keep moving forward!

    • Julie

      ML – thank you for sharing. you are strong. I hope when my MM reaches out again I will also not fall for it and respond. I’ve gone through this on again off again thing for so long that I’m now just tired of the effort it takes. I am definitely more at peace in my mind but if he sends an email or two it just may be the end of all my hard work to get out of the trap. Hope these cowards leave us alone for good!

  • Tricia

    How do U sat Good Bye to a man who was never yours ? How do U shut off your feeling for a man who so easily disconnected from U ? How do U stop wanting to see him and hear his voice ? Ladies do U ever think your M,M just busy or just started a new affair ? How can U look at him in a public setting and not feel like U want to run to him or fuss at him for disregard your feelings ? How can a man be with a woman for years on and off and he just walk away like U don’t exist anymore even thou he married are there no genuine feelings for us ? My affair with my M.M is slowly coming to a end and I know I should be Happy but I feel so empty inside and hurt . I still have to see him because I live in one of the properties he manage and I can’t afford to move right now. I know I got stay strong but I miss him .

  • Julie

    I’m struggling to move on after 8 years of on again off again relationship with the MM. It’s been a long distance one w daily hourly communication that’s made me very attached n dependent on himself . I’m married w a teen boy n stuck with a husband I have no romantic feelings for. He’s married w 7 kids. He’s hurt me repeatedly. I’ve been living with daily anxiety for 8 years. Anxiety paranoia jealousy and so on. He swore on anything under the sun that he wasn’t sleeping with his wife. He said he was planning the responsible way to exit his terrible marriage. to still be a great dad to his kids. And in middle of this “planning” his wife becomes pregnant w 7th child. On top of lying about that, I also found love letter to his secretary, sexting on FB w some stranger, flirting online w lady friends, blocking people from phone right before we are to meet. He always had an explanation. He was good too. He was sweet and thoughtful and caring. Sounds like an oxymoron now but I did feel loved. I still see him as a good man. I don’t know why I do. He’s done so many wrongs. Every morning for five years he sang to me, he spent holidays and birthdays with me, he stayed connected on daily basis, said all the right things…but every time things got difficult he walked out. He left me high and dry so many times. And every time he came back apologizing and willing to do anything to make things right. Towards the end we both had accepted there was no future for us being together. I had to just be happy with what we got from the secret affair. But I could not control my emotions, I wanted more even though I knew it couldn’t be, I couldn’t accept sharing him even though I damn tried for 8 years. Suppressing feelings. Living in complete anxiety. He didn’t want to give up his status his reputation or hurt his kids. I get it. I got it the first time he left. But re-entering my life again and again, making promises and swearing to only loving me was all playing with my head. Things ended when he walked out and walked away at an airport five weeks ago. Had full opportunity to communicate directly. Yet he left me stranded and then sent me a text message ending things “for ever”. That forever was 5 weeks ago and now he’s once again liking photos and posts on my twitter account. He’s fishing again.

    I need to move on. Reading your stories here gave me the courage to delete his numbers from my phone right now. Thank you. I want to stop checking his status. I want to stop thinking about him altogether.

    I desperately want to end it. The past five weeks I have not contacted him nor have I had any great urge to do so. I will never contact him. But I also dont want to be weak again when he does contact me, and he will do so. I don’t know when but he always comes back. I don’t want to be the weak one again and get trapped.

    I feel traumatized by the affair of my husband by the bread crumbs of the MM by all of what I’ve been through the past 15 years. I need help. I am a mess.

    I’m a strong person yet I feel so weak.

    • Tricia

      Julie U been through so much and yes having someone to talk to a therapist would be good for U.My M,M never express his feelings for me In 7 yrs ! But I know the truth through his actions and I think my M,M is a wonderful person too but just not for me. These men are just looking for an Ego Boost or Sex or Attention . They will never leave their wife regardless of what they say and how the home life is. I’m in the process of letting go of a man and relationship that never was reality . I will never allow myself again to be Used and Forgot like old Ass Trash ! I’m worth more then that ! We All Are !! God Will see U through the pain lean on him Especially at your Darkest times.

      • Julie

        Thanks Tricia. Your response truly helps. In my head I do see him leaving me – for the fifth or sixth time – as the best gift he can give me. The opportunity to move on once and for all. But some days it’s just so hard to accept the big hole his leaving has left in my life. The more time passes the harder it seems to get. Maybe because it’s sinking in that things are over. I’m not overly emotional or depressed or angry but I’m so very genuinely sad and miss his presence in my life. I’m not happy in my own marriage so that makes things worse. It feels like he’s gone on to life a happy ever after life with his family and I’m left in an unfulfilled marriage.

  • Brenda

    I’ve been married for 16 years the man I had an affair with has been married 5 and our relationship lasted 2 years it’s been a horrible experience a sad one for sure…. I decided that it was enough and broke it off, because it was going no where and I was just so physically sick…Our spouses found out his wife tried to commit suicide by taking pills go figure! , my husband who I have hurt countless times over this man is still trying to work things out with me. Mind you I filed for divorce twice within a two year frame and this other man not once!! How was I so naive and just stupid blind I will never understand, my husband and I have 4 children which are in therapy because now because they were affected by all the drama that unfolded. The man I cheated with would come visit maybe 3 times a year if that and we would talk and video chat on a daily basis. It’s so hard to not have that anymore, it’s been 3 weeks since I broke it off and I’m just so devasted and depressed but I know it’s what’s best for my family and I to stay away from him. I’m so thankful I came across this platform because people can be so judgemental and I have to hush and keep quiet, seems alot worse to keep it all inside I’m so tired. I pray we all heal from our experiences and never go back to that dark place. Xoxo

    • julie

      Brenda, it must have taken so much courage to break it off. You’ve been through a lot. I can only imagine the mental strength dealing with all this needs. He is a coward. They all are. One thing that’s been confirmed to me repeatedly is how their every decision is based on what’s in their best interest. Never in 8 years did my MM do something because of my feelings or my needs. Even the sweetness he would show would be because he wanted to, he was feeling romantic, not because it would make me happy. Wheresas we constantly think of what makes them happy.
      Well in your case you have lost so much that I hope you will soon see how toxic he is in your life. What value added is he for you. He’s not only forced you to negatively affect your kids but also stops you from working on your marriage to see its future. You are two years into it and it all sounds so familiar to me. Two years into my 8 year affair I also had a sliver of hope. But slowly over time the promises faded from actual actions towards leaving his marriage to outright refusal to do so. After 6 years he made it clear directly that he wasn’t going to leave. He couldn’t because of his kids his reputation society etc). So what I’m saying is they put themselves first. Their needs. And needs of their families come first. No matter what we do or say or how good we are etc. it has nothing to do with us. You know you’ve given him your best. Now take charge and clear your mind body and soul of him. With a clear mind you will know what to do with your marriage. I’m in the same limbo in mine and the MM has definitely hindered my progress on decision to stay or leave. I’m saying all this to you but it also all applies to me! Let’s stay strong so we don’t have to repeat another cycle of this. Xoxo

  • Pancake

    What’s wrong with me. I’ve been talking on and off with my mm. I haven’t seen him since April. When we talk it’s all about work and family – just catching up. I know I’m going to have to go no contact, but I’m not there yet. I may or may not here from him again, but I feel he will contact me sooner or later. I will try my best not to be the one who contacts him. I wish I didn’t have feelings for him. This is so hard for me. I feel so unsettled inside! I’m so grateful I can share this with you all.

    • Brenda

      It’s honestly one of the most hurtful experiences for sure and I know we hear this all the time, but we must keep ourselves busy to the point where we’re like oh!!! he hasn’t crossed my mind… I know I know it’s easier said than done. Just know you are not alone and you have every single one of us here Xoxo

  • Hayley

    Being held to ransom over a suitcase lol. Seriously.. go leave it on his doorstep or drop it outside his workplace and let him know where you’ve left it. But first use the suitcase to take yourself on a well deserved holiday.
    Please dont keep it as an excuse to continue this toxic relationship. No contact all the way.. it’s hard but it works and I’m feeling soooo much better so trust me.
    Get rid of the suitcase and the MM once and for all.
    The suitcase is a control prop, take that control away from him.

  • anonynmous38

    Im so ready to let go of my MM…but I have his suitcase, this still connects me to him…Mind you he lives only 3 minutes away from me…and he refuses to pick it up…I kid you not…its always an excuse…ALWAYS!!! Im so tired of it….I have not thrown it out yet because he says it was gift and he needs it…I’VE HAD THE SUITCASE FOR A YEAR AND HALF…SMH!!! If its so important to him and he needs it for travel why not just pick it up so I can be done with you…

    • Tricia

      Anonymous 38. My MM is the manager of my building so U know he got my keys to my place I wouldn’t feel comfortable having a man here ! And I see him when I pay my rent . It’s so hard moving on when the man is so close but yet far from U or so it seem ! Stay Strong.

  • Tonya

    Amanda came today and after three months of dating p.m. I find out he has been separated from his wife for a year and a half is it in different states we continue dating build a village to ship them for years living together the fifth year of not living together trying to work things out I later find out that he had reached out to his wife and they were trying to build their marriage back in this process he never told me this I had to find out in my own while finding out and I’m being faithful and honest and trying to work things out I never felt more but to rain but I also believe in honoring

    • Hayley

      Maggie – wow!! Nine weeks… that’s brilliant.. please stay strong and please do not undo all your hard work and contact him… be proud of yourself.
      Another nine weeks.. you can do this!
      It will become easier eventually. X

    • Farrah

      Hi Maggie,
      You are a strong lady. Believe it. There will be no shortcuts in moving on and it is a long, step by step process. Acknowledge the sadness as it is part of the process of moving on. You are doing the right thing by fighting the urge of contacting him.Try not to have your phone near you it helped for me. I am also in the same page as yours but I know God is with me in this battle. This is the time where you should focus on YOU. Love yourself more, make yourself busy by hanging out with your family and friends and most of all, Pray. Ask for God’s guidance in this situation. He loves you more than you ever know. =)
      Sending good vibes and love. We will all get through this. God bless you =)

    • the one who was deeply betrayed

      HI Maggie, big hugs to you girly love! Its been almost 7 weeks for me, I also have those feelings, but he does not care enough to contact me and is focusing on his wife and finding another younger..mistress. stay strong. something better will come. Trust me i feel the same way, but if he is not reaching out to you, why reach out to him? these DUMB MM know our phone numbers, they can apologize but because they are stupid wussies they wont. big hugs * -the one who was betrayed…

    • Tricia

      Maggie I do understand I haven’t saw my MM in a month we speak if I call or text him first because I probably would never talk to him ? So I’m trying to just stop contact and let him goI’m so lonely and sad but my heart wants him even thou I know the truth and it’s not good or Healthy for me to carry on like this. Maggie this to shall pass it’s just a long process and a lonely journey of self discovery of who we are and knowing our worth and Value as women ! We will over come these men !

  • Xxx

    I’ve just come across this article: https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/things-about-other-woman/1311226
    I found myself in many parts, i guess is same for all of us. I think about the wives too. They humiliate themselves contacting us and threatening not knowing we are the minor problem there. At least we escaped this man and will heal at some point, there is no child to remind us on him, hopefully. How i used to envy the wife. How i feel pity for her now. She has to shut all her amibitions down for checking constantly on this man and spending sleepless nights. How lucky are us who got away, i just realise it now. Love is definitely blind and it is so good to be able to see clearly again. I’d like too to share this poem with you: https://youtu.be/qviM_GnJbOM
    It reminds me on how how strong we are for walking through hell and still surviving it. I am grateful to all of you for supporting each others, this site has been a great place to vent and the lady who created it has done a great job.

  • Xxx

    Hi ladies, I am a bit down. I am pretty well in all the other spheres of my life and I don’t have those feelings for him anymore, i guess the hurt was too much and now is all about letting go. But the thing is i am a bit of a dreamy person and i always end up justifying him, and always the good memories float on the surface in the end since he was my first and biggest love for some reason. He sold me down the river and when i look back was extremely selfish throughout the affair. Was telling me fairy tails on ocassions and soon after being a jerk, repeatedly. His story now after the wife found out that “i am the bitch texting her husband” is he doesnt want to hurt me anymore. The translation for that is he just doesn’t give a damn but wants to sound polite. And my silly brain wants to have fond memories of him. So what i realised is that letting go is harder than silencing your feelings. I hold on something that does not exist and on a person who i dont recognize anymore and who obviously doesn’t bother losing me. I am really happy I’ve got the control over my life back but there is always this sort of a defeat that sticks to me and a wish that did not come true. So I constantly fight with myself to justify him, hate what he did and forgive him. To forgive someone who does not care about your forgiveness is indeed the hardest thing. So I’m trying to reach the place where i will feel indifferent about him, not love him nor hate him, but to be able to fully enjoy myself without remembering that i have those scars.

    • Tricia

      Xxx. I read your storie U are a smart young woman full of confidence ! And I do believe U will come out of your affair with this man much stronger and wiser. I know it’s hard because I too been trying to let but it’s hard and he always seem to come back and I’m weak to him it’s been 7 yrs of back and forth and loneliness. But we first got to forgive ourself before we can forgive them affair never end well look how we got them ? Most of them lie to keep us around I always believe that regardless of what they say they love their wives and have some level of respect for her and in the end will always choose their wives regardless of what we think. We just a fantasy to them not their reality and we try to step out the shadows and demand stuff it’s over . But I’m leave u with your own words U stay Fly and lovely the best version of yourself !!!! And don’t blame yourself for his action take away all your good memories from this ! I wish u the Best Baby Girl !!!

    • Findingmyway

      Xxx- have you considered talking with someone like a counselor? I don’t mean that offensively. I’m considering it myself. What strikes me about your post is that you are so hard on yourself. You are not loving and valuing yourself. Your are taking what has been essentially emotionally abusive behavior from this man through what he has ended up doing to you once he was caught. You know your are stuck and struggling. It’s hard because, the older I get the more I’ve realized that people are not all good and they are not all bad. So you remember the good about him. But what we forget to do is to weight the good and bad behaviors. And if we did we would realize the bad behaviors weighted so heavily that they outweighed the good. Their bad behaviors devastated our lives. It’s ok to acknowledge there were good things. You wouldn’t have loved him if there weren’t. But you can’t let those feelings lessen the reality of what he did to you. I’m glad that things are well in others parts of your life. Invest your energy in those good things. You will get through this. You sound like a caring and loving person. That is why you focus on the good. While that is causing you to struggle in the ending of your relationship with him they a very good qualities to have and your next love will hopefully be worthy of them.

    • the one who was betrayed,

      Hi Xxx, big hugs to you sweetie, I am so sorry for what you are going through and how you are feeling. I also am in similar situation, was abandoned and betrayed by my MM of 12 years, his wife also called me the bitch that was texting her husband. I am so sorry, sending you big hugs, its been already 5 weeks for me being alone and him leaving me, I am a rollercoaster of emotions, I also have fond memories of him when I am upset. I hope time heals us. I want you to stay strong you are a beautiful woman. I pray we all can find a man who truly LOVES us and will want to spend the rest of our lives together. I wish these jerk MM would at least give us closure and tie up the loose ends they created, but we arent worth it for them. Their wives are their world. let them enjoy those cheating bastard liars. big hugs love. We have similar scars on our hearts 🙁 I am always curious if my ex MM thinks of me and how he cannot even take a MINUT A GOSH DAMN MINUTE TO AT LEAST APOLOGIZE. nope. he wont ever lol. he can ROT lol

    • Xxx

      Thanks a lot ladies for you comments. I guess I was not indeed valuing myself enough otherwise I would not get myself involved in this situation and forgive for all the things i went through with him even before the wife contacted me. I somehow thought i should fight for that love, how foolish! There was a slight twist in the past few days, he actually told me he was with another girl not long after me, called me a liar, a girl who sleeps easily with men and disrespected me. All that from the man who was a part of my life every single day. This will help me to heal more than anything else and to indeed weigh both good and bad in future and not mark everyone as good. My feelings of love have turned into everything but love, i mostly now reflect on myself and I guess it will take long before i completely heal from this narcisstic man whose only aim was to sink me down so he could justify his own behavior. I just wish he is the one who cannot sleep at night and not me, but the bastard is probably not having those troubles.

  • Help

    I’m probably just wasting space right now bc I honestly don’t even know where to begin… all I know is I can’t take it any longer but I can’t let go. Every time I think I can and I try he not only comes back but just an example is the last time he told her, the kids, friends etc… he was going to be with me, moving in with me… packed and said everything I wanted to hear. I was still hurt and angry, he showed up, we fought bc I was scared and hurt, he spent three days making me believe him and I finally did, the next day he changed his mind again. He said his daughter called and said he was abandoning them, she would never visit him…. and everything that goes along with that, verbatim of what she (wife) had been saying to him the last four days. But daughter said it was her own thoughts and feelings. This woman has told their kids he was abusive, that he has stolen money from them (she doesn’t work and he works in a different state and has for 8 years to provide a lavish lifestyle for her and to give his kids what he never had growing up) he doesn’t buy me things, pay my bills, or even spend money on himself… she’s told his only daughter that he calls “baby girl” that he is abandoning her and he loves my “baby girls” now. I let go of the anger, the regret, the negativity that has been holding me back in my own life… he came to say goodbye and it ended up being a perfect day for all of us, me, my kids and him… now he’s saying again he wants to change his mind. I need to walk away. Nothing is going to change. Wife told him (she has ruined his life in his hometown… kids, family, friends, EVERYTHING) “you’ve seen what I can do and I’ll do it again” “I will destroy your relationship with the kids” “I can give it back and I can take it away” “I’ll never divorce you, if you divorce me I will never let you be happy”. And yet he stays… and I’m either too weak or too stupid to just walk away. Why am I so weak when I thought I was just getting my strength back from my divorce… why does this hurt more than my divorce?

    • Findingmyway

      Help- he needs to work out what he wants without you in the picture. He is dragging you through his dysfunctional life. Telling everyone he is leaving his wife for you is a terrible terrible mistake and you will always be the one everyone will blame and his daughter will hate you. He is ruining any chance of a happy life with you by doing that. He likely has serious problems in his marriage. If he is on the fence that tells you your relationship is doomed unless he deals with his martial problems without it being about you. That’s just my 2 cents. I feel for you and your children. He is NOT doing right by you, your children, his wife, or his daughter. His wife sounds volitile and he had acted in a way that just provokes her further. I have no details on how long you’ve been together or specifics of your relationship. But your post shows you are in turmoil and are believing you need to let him go. He needs to deal with his problems. Leave you and your children out of it. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I agree this is harder than a divorce- it was harder than my divorce for sure.

  • Farrah

    I just found myself reading the stories of you ladies and it is such a breather to know that I am not the only one feeling this kind of hell with m.m. I somehow feel the support from you sweeties. Those words of encouragements have strike unto me. I wish we can all be happy with the man we truly deserve someday 🙂 God Bless you all!

  • Farrah

    I really find peace reading your articles. Especially at this moment of my life wherein I am just starting letting go, moving on from a relationship. A relationship with a married man. I can totally relate to each reason you provided on why I should let him go. He was my best friend. But the relationship developed deeply since I was the one whom he shares his problems with his wife. I tried to stop the feeling and get involved with single guy but I found myself getting back to him. Maybe he provided me the love and care I am looking for at that time. His wife also found out about us and as expected, she got furious and left him. I also received all the harsh remarks from her. Her wife left bringing their daughter. I saw how sad he was due to this. I advised him to go and rearrange their relationship. But he declined. He said he just wanted to visit his daughter. I felt really ashamed and guilty. There were also months where his wife would get back to their home and later leaves again because she can feel that they are not the same married couple they were before. I felt so guilty, ashamed and terrible for myself. To think I have
    agreed with this situation for 2 years. When I decided to cut everything with him, the man who used to be my bestfriend, my love, became a monster. He just wont let me be free. And it sucks. Few months ago, his wife returned to their home again up until now. He was saying a lot of bad things to me for not sticking to our promise that we will still be together whatever may happen. 2 weeks ago, I made one of the hardest decision I could ever make. TO LET HIM GO. I blocked him off my contacts and we are still not talking to each other. I’m still in pain, yes. I’m still crying every night, a lot. But everyday without him I know is a little step for me towards becoming free and strong woman again. I don’t want to return in that kind of situation again. The feeling of losing all your values and self respect was so destructing and even the feeling of damaging a family and being called a mistress. I’m thankful I have gotten myself into reading this article. Slowly, I’m picking my broken self back to whole again..

    • PeggySue

      Farrah,
      I give you a lot of credit for not being with him now. I guess the fact that you say he ‘became a monster’ is now showing you his true colors so be grateful for that. I never wanted my MM’s wife to find out because I didn’t want him by ‘default’. I know he (like most men) doesn’t want to be alone, and he probably would have gone right from his home and moved into mine *IF* she kicked him out. I doubt that even would have happened – maybe for a short time, but I can’t imagine her ever wanting to be alone herself. Anyway, keep your eyes *open* and realize the kind of man he is.
      Best of luck to you.

      • Farrah

        PeggySue,

        Thank you! I feel a strong vibes within me now. I just realized now that mm just cannot leave their legal wife, their child behind. I somehow look at it as good thing, Thinking it just came into his mind how important his family to him..

        Hope everyone of us is happy today. Sending good vibes to all! God bless! 🙂

        • PeggySue

          Farrah,
          Keep those strong vibes girl! I don’t think they realize their family is important, they realize it’s plain easier to stay married and we honestly don’t mean enough to them to leave. If they can have us on the side for a good time only, then they are fine. If not, they are fine too. When the have an opporunity, they will cheat again. That is obviously the theme here. They are all the same. Knowing that changes everything for me.

          • Farrah

            PeggySue,

            I believe in what you said. He made me feel important only if it is convenient or if he needs something. They are nothing but users. He still with his wife and child but now messaging me that he can’t live without me. Damn those kind of men.
            I feel so angry right now and just want to kick his face.

            Sending good vibes to all! Step by step we can move out in this situation.

  • Hayley

    Weak and Worn – that last sentence !!! Wow !! I think you’ve just described me and I never realised it. Thank you.
    Stay strong beautiful.

  • Hayley

    I’ve had my closure. I met him 2 nights ago briefly for half an hour where he admitted he missed his wife who was on holiday without him and told me he loved her. Over the last 10 years on and off I was always led to believe he was unhappy and now that appears to not be the case. He lied to me but I guess they all do either that or he’s deluding himself. Did he change his mind about me.. he was asking to see me. I don’t get it!!
    So I looked him straight in the eyes and told him that I’ve seriously had enough. I told him I am younger, prettier, fitter and more fun so it really is his loss and not mine.. (he agreed) and I told him I hope he doesn’t regret it later on in life he said he probably will. !!
    Was I harsh? Anyway the last thing he said as I was getting out of the car was ‘I guess time will tell’ !!??!!??!!?
    He tried to kiss me, I wouldn’t let him.
    I don’t know what that stupid comment means but I got home and blocked him everywhere I can think of.
    Today I am cleaning like a mad woman to keep myself busy fighting back the tears but my god this hurts like hell. Wish I never met him!

    • Mel

      They are all the same. They want it all, their way. Family in tact at home, comfortable frumpy wife and kids at home doing the reality of life, washing his laundry and making supper, nagging him to take out the garbage and not forget to get the milk. And a woman on the side anytime he wants, who thinks he’s awesome and can’t get enough of him and eats up any attention he gives her, and she’s hot too. No matter what they say…its too good of a deal to shake it up. He leaves the wife…he’s a bad guy and causes pain to his family and the illusion of him being a good man is destroyed. They are cowards who take the path of least resistance. We are used and left with broken hearts and feelings of unworthiness…but the truth is…once we get over the heartache, we will be better off without them. The love we gave was real, and they are unworthy. Let us be strong and love ourselves for a change. Trying to remind myself of this every hour, every day.

      • PeggySue

        Mel,
        This is exactly what keeps me in No Contact and now I pretty much hate him. They don’t leave because they have a good thing going; just as you said above. “They are cowards who take the path of least resistance” is *exactly* what they are and what they are doing.
        I feel that mine didn’t leave because it’s just easier to stay married, and we are an ‘unknown’. They already know what they have, and obviously it’s good enough. If they can have fun on the side, then they do. Mine said the relationships are really only good for about a year – so that says it all. My MM never really lied to me so I’m grateful for that, BUT I was really the foolish one thinking eventually he’d realize that he was happier with me.

        I also do not think for *one minute* that they will ever regret letting us go. That is something that we hope in order to make ourselves feel better. If it works for some, then that’s great. The only thing they care about it that it ended without them getting caught.

        I realize now that from Day 1, I was nnever going to be anything more than an affair. Well, when I ended I asked if he ever considered leaving for me, and he said NO. I asked a few times how long we were going to do ‘this’ and he always said he would stay in the affair until I got tired of it, or until he got caught. Thankfully, I got tired of being the OW.

        I mostly feel foolish and cannot believe I loved this person. I used to be envious of his wife who got to spend time with him, but now I realize I am *so* lucky that he didn’t leave. I would have spent my life trying to make him happy, and of course, there’s the fact that he is a cheater and a liar. I so *MUCH* want a relationship like we had, but I do not want him, and I never want to talk to him again. The affair fog is a strange thing, but once you are out of it and think as they do, it’s so much easier. I have nothing but contempt for him.

    • Findingmyway

      Hayley- I spent time this weekend reading through everyone’s stories here and what stuck me about yours is what an insightful, smart, compassionate, and funny person you are. You are TOO GOOD for this man. His comments are meant to string you along as he has done. I’m sure he would love to continue it because you are probably totally awesome and he knows that. But he is telling you what you need to know. He loves and misses his wife. What else do you need to know. In a way that is s blessing because many will never admit to it or say that (and many really don’t like or love their wives anymore but won’t leave for reasons such as kids, money, reputation, etc.) and we are left just totally torn and confused. You know how he feels. He likely loves you both. But he won’t leave her because he married her first. You deserve a man who is not torn and so weak and spineless. One who loves you, chooses you, is there for you, and is someone who is honest with you and you can trust. That’s not this guy. No one is lucky to be stuck with this guy. Think of what he has done to you and his wife. You and every single woman going through this deserves more.

      • Hayley

        Thank you ladies for your kind words it’s so nice to have a place to vent. So I did something really crazy this weekend, I painted my bedroom bright red ( don’t even like red and it didn’t need painting haha) but I thought I’d try something out of my comfort zone and I actually like it.
        I just wish he had told me he loved her from the start to save all this energy and heartache and I hate him for that.. really hate him.. it also cut through me like a knife. I will never understand why he bothers with me if he loves her!! What goes through their tiny brains? Yes he was honest and I suppose that’s a good thing I guess and he told me what I needed to hear but why now? Why not all those years ago !! I guess I never asked the right questions until now.
        I just hope all these men regret losing us one day. Onwards and upwards hey ladies. I can’t EVER go back now and I can’t wait for the day I wake up totally free of him in my stupid loved up brain! We can be free ladies.. we can and we must x

        • Tricia

          Hayley. U answer your own question U are a Beautiful vabraint woman who had a lot to offer what man wouldn’t want that ! I also think most of these married man love their wives or have some love and respect for them my M.M told me up front but it stop him from pursuing me and me giving in and stupidly falling in love with him but I forgave myself I’m human . Men do what they do just because they can they are flattered we want and desire them that’s the drive what makes them want to keep us around we make feel good inside we fill that void in life . But who fills that void in our life when we low ? That’s the sad part . And red is statement color look at me world I’m coming !!!

        • Findingmyway

          Hayley bold move on the red! You are changing your life, your patterns, your environment… It’s probably cathartic. I don’t know why these men do what they do either. Men do handle love, sex and emotions in a different way. They can compartmentalize everything in their lives to the point they can basically live 2 completely fifferent lives without losing sleep, no guilt. I think men seeking relationships outside their marriage are particularly good at doing that and they can’t handle conflict with their wives and family. So they cope in an unhealthy way. He may not be or was not at times happy in his marriage. I too have a hard time understanding how someone could still love someone and do this to them. But we don’t really know what his definition of love is. It’s likely more attachment and comfort. Respect is not a part of his “love” for his wife. I don’t think these men really truly know how to love anyone. They are selfish and spineless. I have more respect for men that have affairs, break it off, are completely honest with everyone, and deal with the issues in their marriage and deal with their own personal issues. Not the douchebags that continue to string their affair partner along. Affairs are a sign of something wrong. There is typically a problem in the primary relationship that is not being dealt with. Less common but also something that occurs is that it is a deep seated personality disorder that lies in the person seeking the affair (e.g. serial cheaters, nacissist). It is his problem and don’t let this define you. You, and all of us, will get through it. It is a mistake process but it will happen one day. That’s what I’m telling myself every day.

          • PeggySue

            Findingmyway

            This was so well said and is *EXACTLY* how my ex-MM is. I think your post above will be extremely helpful for those still in the affair fog, missing their MM, still thinking they are their best friend etc.

            1. “Men do handle love, sex and emotions in a different way. They can compartmentalize everything in their lives to the point they can basically live 2 completely different lives without losing sleep, no guilt” – My ex-MM actually told me he had no guilt because his wife makes him so mad.

            2. “they can’t handle conflict with their wives and family” My ex-MM hates conflict and would do whatever she said to avoid any type of argument. We all know that civilized disagreements are normal in healthy relationships. What’s not healthy is the way she yelled and screamed, belittled him etc. (but hey, that’s the life he actually wants)

            3. ” we don’t really know what his definition of love is It’s likely more attachment and comfort. Respect is not a part of his “love” for his wife. My ex-MM basically said it’s just easier to stay married and he doesn’t want to end up alone, lose all he has worked for, etc. etc.

            4. They are selfish and spineless – no comment needed!

        • Xxx

          Hayley, I love how you made yourself go out of your comfort zone! I believe he did love you or was in love, but over time that slowly vanished. I guess that marriage is something we still don’t know and people are different. I don’t know if i ever want to get married, but I would like to have the right person to whom I would wish saying “yes”. You were brave to stay for so long in that relationship, you loved a lot and it is a gift. But I truly hope we will free ourselves and receive the same kind of love we give. I must admit I did contact my mm, i wrote him a poem like i used to do before. But even when i sent it, i felt we were so much distant now. And the peace I feel now as compared to before is something that makes me silently happy. It is a bit sad for me now to let go off the idea of what we used to be and how much i loved him, to let go off the memory that he was in love too. I don’t have those strong feelings anymore and I don’t need him anymore to be confident. But when i look back, i learnt a lot from him and i will forever be grateful for that. And i know in some time i will also be grateful that it all finished, because we all grow from both happiness and scars. I’m almost entering my thirties so I hope to be much more balanced. Do you remember times with him when everything was so fine but you were still missing something that even him could not provide it for you? I do remember and i wanna go to search those things now. You did well, Hayley, you showed much more dignity than most of us. I failed at it so many times and was foolish, but i take it as a process of learnig who i am.

    • Tricia

      Ashamed.I’m sorry he didn’t respond back but U put your pride aside and reached out to him and I know that wasn’t easy . U tried hopefully one day he’ll come back and apologize if not it’s his lost . Don’t be hard on yourself take care .

    • Findingmyway

      You are not a fool. Your user name breaks my heart. Don’t be ashamed of loving and believing in someone even if it was the wrong person. Love, trust and faith in others are good qualities to possess. Unfortunately they are qualities that are sometimes taken advantage of. You are just asking for a thread of human decency. A real man could give you that. A real man could face up to this situation and be honest with you. I think a proper ending/explanation is appropriate always in these situations. No contact after is best for everyone. But to just break without an explanation is cruel and inhumane. That sucks. You are not a fool. You are human.

  • Ashamed

    I have found the last few days unbearable.
    The longing for him and the need for an explanation from him is crucifying me.
    It is taking everything i have not to reach out to him.
    I feel crushed that i did not even deserve a proper goodbye

    • Tricia

      Ashamed. What’s stopping U from reaching out to him . He maybe going thru something that have nothing to do with U Take that chance . Pancake I cried reading your story I feel the same way . I wish things could be better for us loving a M.M is a lonely place to be.

  • Katie C.

    After a month of silence, MM contacted me. We saw each other face to face (no sex) and talked an hour and a half on the phone. He explained some things to me. Things are a bit more clear. But all my feelings came back. I love him and can’t help it. He said he’d take me and leave her today but that it would be too devastating at this time. I don’t want him to leave her. I can’t live with that guilt. It was an emotional and heavy conversation, and I feel so deeply connected to him. I’m stupid, I know. But I think you all understand.

  • Pancake

    I haven’t been with my MM since April 2018
    I ended things with him in the middle of May 2018
    After he would text me every couple of weeks – I guess because he missed me. I always answered his text. I’m not the type to ignore them. In July I went no contact – deleted/blocked. I was getting close to breaking down and seeing him. It’s not that I didn’t want to see him. I wanted to see him so bad it hurt. But I hated living a secret and the emptiness that came with it. In late September I broke down and texted him. I wanted to know how he was doing etc. all very friendly. He told me he still thought of me. Words like that melted my heart. I told him I thought of him too. Then I didn’t text him again. At the end of October he messaged me asking how I was and told me once again he still thought of me. Again I told him I still thought of him.
    Long story short we talked on the phone Sunday the 28th. I never thought I would hear his voice again. He told me how he was and so on and I did the same. Just two friends talking. At the end he did say he would like to talk again sometime. I told him ok. I guess I’m writing this because I feel so lost and sad. I know there is nothing for me in all of this. Just most sadness and loneliness that I can’t share with anyone but all of you. I miss him so much, but I try to bury it. I want to be an important part of his life, but I’m not and I never will be. I want to mean something to him, but I don’t and never will. I’m hurting and I needed to share with the only women who will understand.

    • Ashamef

      Pancake
      I feel the hurt along with you, it is so hard and i truly understand and wish that all the ladies on here can get to a place where the pain is a distant memory.
      My strength is at a low ebb and i am constantly fighting with myself to refrain from contacting him.
      Stay srong, your happiness is out there x

    • Mel

      Pancake, be strong and dont get sucked back in. Love shouldn’t hurt…its a sign that it’s not right. Love yourself and be kind to yourself by leaving the hurtful relationship behind. No amount of wanting more will change the reality of how it is. We are just torturing ourselves…

  • Weak and worn

    I had unaddressed Daddy issues and was blind. It is easy to see how stupid I was when I step back and look at the very sad situation. However, I still think of him every day, want him, and thank God the mm never asked me to leave my husband and children. The sad truth is, I would have walked away and lost everything that is good, real and true in my world. He was a lie, a liar, and knew how to get all that he wanted from me. Hindsite, he saw that I had a true faith, a loving family, and I was not impressed by his material possessions. I was a challenge, a conquest, a game.

    Now that I look back, he was so much like my Dad. He was the same age, the same build, the same type of womanizer, and the life of the party. My dad committed suicide when I was in my early twenties. I never sought therapy and simply buried the pain. I can see now that in my blind stupid heart and mind, this was a do-over. An attempt at feeling whole. The mm listened to me, pursued me, pretended to value my words, thoughts and mind. I created a fantasy world, scenario, and vision. We never actually had sex. In my hypocritical mind and heart, if he did not penetrate me – then I was not being adulterous. The truth is, I cheated. I gave him the energy, love, attention and devotion that should have been directed to my husband, my children, and me.

    I believe the mm actually set out to destroy me. There have been real situations that have demonstrated his cruel intentions. I can see the writing on the wall, yet I still long for him. I am wrecked. The worst of it is, we have not touched in three years. He has had many mistresses and is married to a devoted wife.

    I have confessed my misguided love to my husband. When I told the mm that, he dropped me like a rock. I now believe he wanted to destroy my marriage, my reputation, my life’s work and my life. When I pre-emptively confessed my infidelity, the mm realized he could do no more harm. I can see now, my heart was like a cat toy in his grubby little paws.

    What he intended for evil, my God can use for good. The worst of it is, my intentional sins make it hard for me to pray, worship or seek the God who I love. I know He is faithful – even when I am not. I pray I will feel the blood of Jesus making me as white as snow. My head and heart are still sunk in shame.

    • Hayley

      Weak and worn – my father also committed suicide and I’ve often wondered if this is the reason I do what I do.
      I was very young so I grew up without any male influence and I’ve also never dealt with it. It would explain a lot.

      • Weak and worn

        Thank you for sharing. I never realized that I had gaping holes until this relationship. Hindsight it became blatantly obvious. I was trying to fix in him what no one could fix for my Dad.

        My Dad was worthy of unconditional love. The MM is not worth the drain from my perspective. When I’m distracted by him that means I am distracted from my responsibilities and the ones who I love.

  • Findingmyway

    Has anyone gone on to date other men and found a real relationship with a single/available man? Or at least some happiness alone? I’m sure many have but then don’t come back here to update. I find reading all these stories so sad. Just hope to see a different future. One with hope, healing, and completely moving on. One where I can look back without feeling so traumatized by it all.

  • Nancy

    Hello ladies.
    I have ended my affair with a MM. This is the 3rd time doing so, but this time, I will make sure never to give in.
    We were seeing eachother for a year. He pursued me a lot beforehand, and i enjoyed the attention. I thought he was going through some issues in his marriage, and began thinking some kind of future could happen.
    We clicked on so many levels. I felt alive, loved, confident. But the longer It went on, the more sad I felt when he would leave to go home. Christmas, birthdays, celebration events – they were never with me. Sex was adventerous and intense, but then that sadness would happen when he had to leave. He would text me every morning as soon as he woke up. I enjoyed that message, because it was ‘Good morning beautiful’. What woman wouldn’t want to be called beautiful every single morning?
    But the loneliness still prevailed. The times I could have done with a hug, or a cuddle, or just adult conversation were few and far between. Virtual ‘hugs’ were sent via text, and began to mean nothing to mean. He said he adored me, and it became our word to use instead of ‘love’.
    But I often thought of his wife. I’d ask him about his marriage. I knew it wasn’t great and I wanted to know if he had intentions of being with me properly. I asked many times, but I already knew he wouldn’t leave her for me. He feared loosing his children, which I totally understand. I began to see my place. He would say that i meant so much to him that he had to have me in his life no matter what or how. I thought I could deal with being this amazing secret. But i was lonely. I was receiving the crumbs of his affections. I was the other woman, and he had no intention of being with me. I began to see that he wasn’t going to try and work things out with his marriage, he was just going to move along in life happily with his family on one side and me on the other. Thats no life for anyone. I probably thought more about his wife than he did. I imagined her reaction to finding out he was cheating on her. Part of me would love to tell her, but to what end?….
    So I ended it. I was wasting my love and affections on a worthless man. My energy, my emotions were being wasted on a man who had no intentions of committing to me. I hurt inside. I ache, I miss him. But my mental state needs healing. I’ve been blaming myself. I’ve been thinking something is wrong with ME and that’s why he doesn’t want to be with me. But it’s not me. It’s him.
    The attention we received from these MM can be amazing, that, above their own marriage we are the ones they came to, that they wanted to be with. But they are just replacing one thing with another because they are too scared, lazy even, to work at their own relationship with their wives.
    I’ve read this article and many more to give me strength with my decision. This is the first time I have written about it.
    I hope, if you are here reading this, that you too find the strength to end your affair and find your own self worth. Because you ARE worthy of love and you will find it again (I should really listen to that last part!!!) X X X X X X X

    • Mel

      Nancy, you have it exactly right. I am trying to accept reality and to move on from the same situation as you. My biggest problem right now is I havent fully accepted it yet and am struggling with the sadness of what feels like a loss. I know it’s not really a loss when the relationship is toxic, but my heart hurts. Reading your story helped and your clarity of the situation and determination to move on inspires me.

      • Xxx

        Hi Mel, i completely understand it is so difficult. I have been reading the comments here for months and thinking how miserable i was for reading them because i have something real. Or maybe i should accept it. I am this and that and if this man makes me the happiest person alive, or if i will forever be the dearest to him, this “small sacrifice” is not that important. This is a traumatic experience. Don’t come to the point to be humiliated by him for betraying you nor by his wife threatening you and calling you names. We are not aware as well that we are destroying others’ lives, but who is to blame us when got so lost and so weak that other parts of our lives suffer too. You will realize in the end that you dont even know this person as well as you thought. Call it off before he calls it off, do it for all of us who couldn’t. If it is of a consolation to you, that way he will regret more for losing you, but dont fool yourself, he wont leave his wife..at least not for you. We will always remind them on bad period in their life when the wife found out. That is all they worry about.

    • Hayley

      Nancy – do you think when we’ve ended it they just move on and forget us ??
      I notice there’s never any men posting on these forums.. so do we women suffer and they just easily go about their day without giving us a second thought ??

      I really hope they miss us one day and feel even a slight bit of pain over it all.

  • Ashamed

    I was with my mm for 3 months.
    I am also married.
    We never slept together. He said he had stopped sleeping with his wife since meeting me .
    He always told me he would never leave his wife and that he supposed he loved her but was not in love with her. He said i was the only woman he had ever been in love with as he had never been in love before.
    We texted everyday, spoke twice a week and met once a week usually, he is already retired so it is easy for him.
    We had not seen each other for a month due to commitments then he was away on holiday with his wife.
    Before he went away he was worried about losing me because of lack of contact and i reassured him.
    He texted me a few times while away.
    The day he arrived back he texted and told me his wife told him she had taken redundancy effective immediately on the last night of their holiday and so we would not be able to meet as arranged in s few days and he didnt know how this would effect us and he was at a loss for words.
    From the start he addressed me very differently, no mention of love.
    I was devastated and asked who takes redundancy and doesnt discuss it with their partner as finance is important or have leaving party.
    He went crazy, said i overstepped mark and he had things to do and i should go enjoy my husband .
    I was deeply upset and did not reply to the text, that was a week and a half ago and i have heard nothing from him.
    No proper ending.
    From someone who said he could never envisage his life without me in it, who said he would be heartbroken if he lost me , who wished he had met me years ago then we would have been together.
    Why would he just not contact me at all

    • Tricia

      Ashamed. Be thankful it didn’t go any further and you never was intimate with him . But these married men are still sleeping with wives maybe not everyday but yes they are ! And love is still there too I’m sorry he was so cold to you and u have nothing to be Ashamed of we are only human we all make mistakes . TheM.M never give us proper good bye nor closure I guess they feel well U knew I was married what do U expect ? We never had a real relationship with these man because we aren’t their reality they are our reality that’s why it hurt so much . Thank God it end I know U disappointed and hurting but the longer he was in your life the sadder U would have become affairs are a lonely place . Wishing U well !!!!

      • Ashamed

        Thankyou for reaching out ti me Tricia.
        At the moment i am just wishing my days away.
        I loved him so much and my need for answers is crucifying me.
        Hopefully the pain will end soon

  • Xxx

    Ive been used to read these comments throughout months of being involved with MM, but out of a respect for him did not write anything. Almost a year of pain, if excluding the first 2 months of happiness. I was very naive and clueless on what i got myself involved in. I got a threatening msg from his wife the other day that she would hurt me physically if i did not stop talking to him. We stopped before it, he was a jerk as always and he decided to stop it for “he realised i would be the same idiot as his wife”. I loved him a lot. I did not say any single thing to his wife so he wouldn’t have problems. I did not want to be “same idiot as his wife” nor i put myself on a level of fighting with women over men. I turned out to be a bigger idiot. So I guess I should be happy that I got away without my reputation being destroyed elsewhere other than with them and with few of my friends. I was about to ask the wife where did he buy the telephone which responds automatically, since he was the one who insisted on this “relationship” in first place. I had messages and everuthing but i did not want to destroy the man i loved. So i am a bit sad at the moment that the man to whom i spoked almost every day and tried to be his support sold me out just to get away. I can just imagine what he told her about me. As for the miserable wife who threatens the girls instead of dealing with her husband in a descent way, i can see what she has been doing throughout their marriage and what she will do in future. She will never let go off him. So i guess i should be glad instead of sad? I have a nice career in front of me (he was just slowing me down) and boy, guys find me attractive and funny, might be of a bit problem to open my heart again, but this shall pass too. It hurts to read the ladies here addictive to calling or msging them, he asked me as well to delete his number. That was that. So he sold me out, broke my heart, asked to delete the number and what shall i do? Become the best version of myself. Make it worth it to become so irresistible that he can say one day that he was one of the rare lucky guys to have this girl and he sold her out. As for the wife, no thoughts whatsoever. I should feel sorry but no woman will threaten me. It is of course difficult to stop loving someone who used to make you happiest person alive. But i decided to become stronger and value myself more than just being a side chick. There will be tears and sadness, hate for betrayal but we are gonna leave it behind in a bedroom. The world will only see a great woman walking. Maybe i judged “us” before but i give respect to the other women. We are teachers, professors, bankers, cleaning ladies, shop workers, lawyers, doctors etc. We are great and beautiful women who believed in love. But let’s transform this into “We were”, because “We are” is not what is fair to be. We are great women who occupied men craved for in a certain moment but they didn’t know better than betraying us. They just couldn’t cope with our awesomeness. So let us become the version they first met and this time not give them a chance to destroy it.

    • the one who was betrayed

      HI XXX, i am so sorry for what you are going through. big hugs to you lovely lady. i am in a similar situation, 3 weeks ago he lied to his wife said i was harassing him and obsessed lol, he called me every 5 minutes and he was the one who approached me. lol what an asshole dick face.. big hugs to you. i am also with you on that, how does a guy who called us everyday, said they love us, just delete us like we don’t exist.the wife fucking bitch called me saying if i contacted her husband she will file a restraining order. he deleted me off everything, blocked me and is already on the app looking for a fresh piece of fuck ass. how could he forget about me? after he told me he would DIE without me. his family member who i was friends with knows more to this and we were friends went behind my back and told me to leave him alone, hes married. i was like wtf? i met her spent time with her she said she loved me and wanted him with me then went behind my back. my heart feels like it was ripped into a million pieces. BIG hugs girl, it been over 3 weeks since i haven’t spoken to him, and i never will, he deleted me and never even gave me closure big hugs.

      • Xxx

        Thanks, hugs to you too.^^ The problem that arises here is that they do not stop it until they get bored or in trouble. They say they care for us and feel so bad for putting us through all the pain but keep on being around. My mm would say it was my fault for contacting him sometimes, and he could never resist me. I told you i am irresistible haha! The truth is he knew i would come back since there was already no way out for me, it was too late. I have never ever “dated” the married man before nor i am planning to do it again. The only reason was that he was my biggest love from when i was younger and i carried that feeling all along, so having him back in my life was a shock at first, then pure happiness and finally betrayal. But i guess they indeed could have not resisted on time and then kept on enjoying until we started demanding more and turned ourselves into something even us could not recognize anymore. Then we become “idiots as wives” and they greet us away. So no idiots here, put on a smile, never depend completely on any man, the happiness lies within us. I’d believed this before he reappeared in my life and this has just reminded me on that. I had a closure i must say, but as for me, my closure was his betrayal..yours should be too. Sweet dreams ^^

        • the one who was betrayed

          Xxx, big hugs, i totally understand girl.. exactly he told me i was irresistible and thought of me every second, obviously not true. i wish i could have broken it off before he did it, now i am crushed. he couldnt even email me or call me to apologize and tell me hes sorry for why he told his wife and threw me under the bus and blamed me. Its over, never rely on a man! yes! I now am picking up the pieces to my life. the pieces are shattered all over, but slowly picking up the pieces. sweet dreams lovely girly Xxx 🙂 :))

          • Xxx

            You will be just fine I am sure. Me too. I choose to forgive since he did not know better. And since I don’t want to carry the bad feeling along with me and just want to be completely free…

    • Becky

      Well said.. I will follow your quote and be the best and show him what an amazing person I am and always will be from afar. I read in these comments time and again…. How the MM came into our lives looking for something… How they pursued another woman outside of their marriage. My MM also pursued me. Well he is not my married man anymore… I struggle but he doesn’t know that.. After four years.. As they say… Shit or get off the pot.. I choose to end it when I finally realized that I allowed so much time go waiting.. They say people come into our lives for a reason.. I never have been with a married man nor would I ever think about breaking a family unit until I met him. I thought what we had was once in a lifetime.. ugh.. so stupid…. The struggle is real but I will conquer these feelings and be stronger for it.

      • Findingmyway

        Yes these relationships deserve mature endings with some level of human decency. But these are often very flawed people who pursue these relationships. They have not done right to their wives so it’s a little wonder they’d throw their affair partner under the bus to save themselves. It speaks volumes about them. I am tired of hearing about the affair partner being targeted as the main problem. Reading many of the stories on here it is obvious that many of us were duped and lied to. We were naive and guilty of believing in and caring for someone that used us.

    • Xxx

      Ladies, i am very happy my comment makes you feel better, i already do and it has been only a few days. I suggest you talk to your close friends about this properly, i was blessed today to have a great conversation. I will try not to put bad words on him, I will stay above the whole situation. For me knowing that someone sold out this shiny lady of me is all that i need to know. And I will spare him bad words for the sake of my pure love he stepped on as if it was a piece of a bubble gum. Now i wish it got stuck to his shoes and carried it away from me since it was nice love and would be pity it gets wasted. So he can carry away the love and i will take the confidence they gave me both by trying to make a wrecking ball out of me. No wrecking ball here, only smiles. 😀 And i learned from this that i would never want to check on someone all the time nor someone checking on me, trust me, and i will trust you, that’s it! Otherwise, i go away proudly. Keep going ladies, get out of this nightmare ASAP. We don’t deserve doing this to ourselves. And trust me, if i can do this, you all can do it! I thought i was a lost case, but the God is amazing…

  • Tricia

    Ladies. Question on your Birthday was your M.M with you did he buy U something ?If he knew it was your Bd ? I’m only asking because it was my Birthday he wished me a Happy Birthday but I wished he would have came by and visited me without sex ! when I asked him to In small talk How are U doing ? I got no response either ! I know I will see him again it’s just I know where I stand with him without asking I have no purpose to him other then sex ! It’s sad to say ladies I’m use to this treatment from him the disappearing acts being vague with me or no response sometimes. I know I deserve better I know I have no value to him. I’m so ready to leave him it’s just I can’t bare seeing him because I fall right back line again ! I know this sound crazy I wish he would just tell me to beat it !!! So I can be really mad at him and kick his ass to the curb !! And no he didn’t know it was my Birthday I told him that day.

    • Becky

      The past two years he forgot what day my birthday was on… He never made made up for it…. After four years.. he was suppose to follow through with divorce which I helped pay for… I never saw the papers… Needless to say. He is still with his wife. It is going on two months now of our relationship being over.. I never would have gone through this… If I would have known that he wasn’t going to follow through.. I hate that I put his family through so much hurt. I hate that I allowed myself to fall in love with him. Some days are easier than others but I miss him terribly but refuse to let him back in my life. I tried to live that life and support him.. I tried to look at our situation like it was different from any other relationships.. We connected from very unfortunate circumstances and I thought that we had something unique and special. When he told his wife about me. Of course it blew up. I hurt his family. He choose to go back to his family multiple times… But kept me with the promises that he was going to divorce. I can’t believe what an idiot I have been… So what if he was my soulmate.. The most perfect love I have experienced.. He was never mine to have… Holidays…. Birthdays.. Weekends.. Married men don’t owe the other woman anything.. I am learning how to live my life knowing he won’t be part of it. It sucks. It hurts… But staying with him waiting and living in the shadows was horrible. I wish you the very best and the strength to let him go.

      • Tricia

        Becky. Thank U for sharing your story .I think it’s a shame how some M.M use the other woman as escape goat to try and save their ass with their wife by throwing the O.W under the bus ! And the wife know what’s up ! But her husband Is her world . I remember I texted mine at 7am and someone called me at 7’30 am that was his wife calling me I knew it I called her back out curiosity she didn’t answer she know her husband is having a affair she can feel it .I never thought I would be in this position I thought more of myself. But I know God will never give us somebody else husband and the question is would U really want him could U trust him ? I know I couldn’t .I Wish All The Ladies A Fresh Start and Happiness !! We All deserve It .

  • Becky

    I am grateful for this article. It is horrible to know so many people are going through the pain of trusting a married man but trying to find courage and strength to move forward… With that being said. It is refreshing to know I am not the only one going through this pain that I have knowingly brought onto myself.. thank you all for sharing your lives and experiences..

    • Susan

      Help. I cant leave his wife alone. I send her emails and Twitter messages. She has blocked my Twitter but I get fake accounts to stalk her. I sent her another message this morning telling her she was fake. She has never responded to anything. Please help me. Sm313223@gmail.com

      • Hannah

        Susan, sounds like a bit of an obsession and you are wanting a reaction but you won’t get one. Problem I find that this situation renders us completely irrational at times and a voice in your head takes over! Take back the control any way you can and consider removing yourself from social media – keep yourself insanely busy so you can’t think about it – didn’t you say they are getting divorced anyway? She’s probably a really nice lady that just wants to get on with her life, if you start thinking of her as a proper person with her own issues it may help. Sorry if this doesn’t help at all – these men have a lot to answer for the state they leave us in!

      • Findingmyway

        Susan your anger should be at him. His wife doesn’t matter. She is stuck with him. You are the lucky one in that you don’t have to be married to that creep. Which truly is what he is. You can get back on a good path and put this behind you. The wife is not important.

      • Findingmyway

        Susan another thought. Have you ever checked out the firums that women who are trying to forgive their cheating husbands are on? It is SAD. They are suffering. And they are pathetically stuck because they have kids and mortgages and complicated history with these creeps. And there is so much pressure to keep your marriage in tact no matter what. I wouldn’t want to be them for a million dollars.His wife has her own problems with him. And it is horrible. Leave her be. She has nothing to do with you. And you are the lucky one. You know that now. You deserve better and you are free to pursue it. Unfortunately she is not and would have a tremendously more difficult road ahead of her. Leave her be. Focus on yourself. Love yourself. Let that all go.

  • the one who was betrayed

    I feel so sick right now. I found out this morning that on this app me and my MM use to talk on, he made another profile, put a photo and looking for new girls if he doesnt have one already, after telling his wife and dumping me about 3 weeks ago. I cannot believe this, i feel like my world is spinning, he used me for 12 years and dumped me now looking for someone else. Obviously his wife knows what he is doing, hes a freaking cheater. Can you ladies believe this? he was cheating on me, probably met someone else also. My heart has ripped into a million pieces. he didnt even give me closure, and now hes chatting with others.

    • Katie C.

      Cannot imagine this after 12 years. He sounds like a narcisstic sociopath. My ex husband was like that. I’m sorry this has happened. All you can do at this point is practice self-love and start living for you, not him. If you’re a person of faith, pray for God to remove your feelings and break all soul ties with him. You’re going to have a rough few days ahead of you. I really don’t get how a person can so easily discard another. It’s evil and immature and such a dick move. Be kind to yourself and know you deserve better ❤️

      • the one who was betrayed

        Hi Susan and Katie, thank you ladies. Yeah, just found out last night at 1 am he was on chats online and on the apps we spoke on. he is already finding his next victim. I am so blessed it is over , i just wish i could have ended it rather than him, he got the last word and told his wife i was stalking and harassing him when I was not. I feel like someone punched me in the stomach, ripped my heart out and stomped on it, that someone being him. I hope he fuc*ing rots. he is already looking for his prey, fu**ing lying cheater. never ever will i speak to him, i dont care if he calls me months or years down the road, i shall NEVER forgive this pig. I hope all of you ladies are doing well. Katie and Susan, you both are so sweet, i hope you two are doing well, and everyone else,Katie you are so right, he is so immature and evil to do this to me after 12 years, i hope he fuc*ing rots, his wife is so stupid, she KNOWS what he is doing but she likes it, she just didnt like me. thats what he told me. love u all big big tight love huggies 🙂

  • Katie C.

    I’m 16 days no contact. I did run into him last Friday though. He said hey to me, and I barely squeaked out a “hey” and didn’t even break stride. I was with a male friend (just a friend), but MM had no way of knowing if he was a date or a friend. I caught him looking at me a few times, but I always looked the other way. Other than that, there has been zero contact. I thought when he saw me with a guy, he might text and ask if I’m dating, but he didn’t. I wanted to scream at him and ask him why he discarded me with no warning or explanation. But I refuse to look psycho, plus it would just set me back. I still feel sick to my stomach all the time. I’ve stopped crying every day, but I had a big cry yesterday. I’m still so very hurt and seeing him was like a knife going through me.

    I’m still clueless as to why he ghosted. My best guess is that he started feeling guilty. He loves his wife, and I guess he decided to work on the marriage. But dammit I’m a human being too and deserved a proper goodbye instead of being left to feel like garbage that was tossed aside. We had an intense affair and were in constant contact unless he was with her, then suddenly he ceased all communication. He didn’t unfriend me on FB, but I don’t look at his page. I’ve posted a couple of pix of me having fun, and I hope to God he sees them.

    I still crave him. I still wish for a call or a text. I wish I didn’t. I hate this. This has really wrecked me. I played with fire and got burned, but he was the one who so strongly pursued me.

  • Pancake

    I wanted to share this prayer with you all. Sending hugs to you all….Love Pancake xxxooo

    Dear God
    I am bonded in my heart to someone who does not
    share this bond.
    I feel so drawn to (name) while he is not drawn to me.
    Please, dear God, disconnect my heart from this longing within me that does not serve.
    I release this person into Your hands.
    May the ropes that bind my heart be cut.
    May they not bind me.
    May they not bind him.
    I release him that I might be released.
    Retract the silent hooks I have in him.
    Bring back to me my power and my love.
    Cut the cord that chemically ties me to him.
    Free me from him.
    Free him from me.
    May we find peace.
    Free us both.
    Amen.

  • Hayley

    Tricia – 14 years on and off.. he would disappear on me and I would move on and he would seek me out again. I would cave in every time. It’s happened more times than I care to admit. This time he’s hung around though, he was quite happy to keep me this time so this is why I fell for him hard cause we became proper friends.
    It’s ended this time cause I can’t cope with it.. I knew he was leaving it down to me this time. The mixed signals etc were making me ill.. I’ve tried no contact a few times recently but it doesn’t seem to work.. I know I can’t reply and I know I need to move on again (it seems sooooo much harder this time) guess I had no choice the times before!! 14 years of on off on off..
    I’m sure he is addicted to me but addiction isn’t love and I want him to love me. After 14 years I think I deserve it so until he can admit he does I’m done!
    Please don’t do another 7 years like me!! X

    • Tricia

      Hayley. Thanks for your responses I’m going thru the same thing with mine I don’t know myself anymore . I’m sad and lonely most of the time and things aren’t going well in my life right now and we are friends that’s why it’s so hard for me to let him go plus he is never mean to me. I know he’ll never leave his wife I don’t expect that maybe I need church ? Having problems letting go…..

  • Hayley

    Thank you. I didn’t reply feeling quite proud of myself and of course you are so right. Addiction isn’t love!! !
    I’m truly done x

  • Hayley

    Help ladies. no contact, doing better than ever really just got exhausted and glad he’s gone.
    14 years on and off and I never knew his true feelings, expressed them only once to me when he was drunk!!

    Then I Wakes up his morning to this:
    ‘I don’t know what it is, I can’t stop thinking about you. You turn my on massively, I love spending time with you , you make me laugh and you are so full of energy.
    I’m an addict and you are my addiction.’

    What do I say? I’ve not replied. Months ago I would have been over the moon now I don’t know if I’m flattered or feel sorry for him.
    I just feel anger!

    • Tricia

      Hayley. Wow 14 yrs is along time how did it end ? I’ve been with mine 7 yrs on and off I don’t know his true feeling either and I’m scared to ask because I don’t want a lie .It’s crazy how long we put up with being second best .

    • Maggie

      Hayley, you can do it! You are strong! My mm also said I am a drug to him. And i know he is my drug. We are all addicts here. We are addicted to these men and they are addicted to them. Today has been a day of inner peace for me. I don’t know if it would be so if I hadn’t started the antidepressants though. But today I decided I will do for me for a change. I am going to focus on me and work on myself.

      • the one who was betrayed

        Hayley you are strong girl! big hugs, i miss you girls, this website has been my saving grace. My MM dumped me over 2 weeks ago and never contacted me. he said if i ever contacted him he would file restraining order and his wife told me that too. When i contacted him 2 weeks ago (the day of our breakup) he went to go tell his wife i was harassing him, even though we were together. he wanted to dump me so he threw me under the bus; Do you ladies think he will ever contact me again? I never been through this. He obviously doesnt want to since he told his wife and told me to never contact him. I cant believe this. He never f**king .. LOVED ME. JUST USED ME FOR MY YOUNGER BOD..BODY. LOL NOT BOD. Ladies any experience in if they come back? did anyone here experience him telling his wife that he had an affair and wanted to fix his marriage?how long did it take for him to send a message. i truly think he wont. we had a mutual friend who is a f**king SNA*KE.. i dont even talk to her anymore. She told him he should dump me. what will happen? i dont want him.

        • Tricia

          The One Who Was Betrayed. If your M.M cared about you and he truly loved U yes in time he would contact you. But the reality is I don’t think what they share with us they consider real feeling or real life they just see us as escape from their real life . And their real life is what they cherish and protect we don’t get the proper respect or closure because to them we don’t deserve it because we are cheating with them disrespecting our self.So if he never come back chances are he’ll find another mistress and move on I know that painful to hear but U may never have what U want out of him and you will have to be strong and move on with your life. I know 12 yrs is a long time that is a investment in someone .But in time your Heart Will Heal and The Tears will stop The Pain will subside U will never forget him but In Time U will move pass this .

          • the one who was betrayed

            HI Tricia, thank you for responding. I really appreciate this, I agree with you, if he really loved me he would contact me and at least give me closure and apologize. I feel so freaking betrayed right now. I am so over this. I saw online that he is clearly moving on with his life, posting things talking to people. He used me then dumped me like a freaking piece of fu**ing trash. 12 DAMN years meant shit to him, his wife is his world, even though she never went to school, never cleans the house, and doesn’t take care of him. i hit a new F*CKING low today ladies, I am so down. Thats it I am done, I cannot do this anymore. I don’t even want to think or hear about him ever again. He will never ever call me and I don’t want to here from him again. big hugs to you women , It is crazy how this heart ache has ruined my freaking fuc**ing life.

    • Marie

      Haley

      Please don’t fall for it and don’t contact him. I don’t want to hurt your feelings… but that message is nothing more than a ‘botty’ call. You are better than that! I’ve been there you want so much to see it as something more than it actually is. I would get those same texts (almost verbatim) and I would be so excited. I would text back instantly and be just waiting to see him. But after I did the same thing would happen all over again. He’d disappear back to his wife and I’d be torn apart. Please try to see thru the BS.

  • CJ

    I dated a married man for 3 years. He said he fell out of love with her. I was in the same cycle as everyone else that has affairs. He wanted her to find out so he left his phone around. After multiple times she finally said to leave. He was getting ready to any way. He found a studio apartment in their same town. He was sad and depressed. The kids weren’t talking to him and his wife was angry and sad. She wanted him back. He never went back. We went through hell for another 3 years and he still has not divorced her. They bought a beach house together last year. He bought them all new jeeps. He kept it all from me. We broke up constantly. It was pain hurt and more pain. I was still a secret. I recently broke up with him for the last time. I went to school with him and everyone loved him. Thought he was the best person ever. I will tell you that he lied all the time. He was manipulating and controlling. He led 2 lives. I know you want to believe what your married man says but I saw the true character once they leave. I’m not saying all men are bad who cheat. Some seriously just do not love their wives any more and feel helpless. DO NO HAVE AN AFFAIR. IF YOU ARE FIND ALL THE POWER IN THE WORLD TO GET OUT. It is nothing but a dark lonely place and I hate for anyone to go through what I did. I’m sad and grieving but I know I will move forward this time. Get the support you need and don’t stop until you are free. xo

    • Susan

      CJ – Your story reminded me of my affair. We knew each other from high school and everyone thought he was so great Superstar jock, etc. He put on a big front to the world that he was the perfect Christian husband/father. He always said he would “never do anything to hurt his children”. It became very apparent that he would never divorce. He also lied all the time. I would drive up to see him and he would tell his wife he had to work on a Saturday morning. Come to the hotel and have sex with me, shower and go back home. Then tell her he was going out with friends that night and come back to the hotel and do the same thing. This was my life for 16 months. When his daughter had a volleyball tournament in my state – he scheduled a business trip to coincide with it so he could make it look like he was coming here for his daughter’s games. He stayed with me for 2 nights in a hotel then the wife/daughter arrived and he went to be with them. It was all nothing but lies and deceit. I can’t honestly believe he did his wife that way. I don’t know her but she did not deserve that. He laughed one time and said “She trusts me”.

    • CJ

      I just want to add one more thing if I can help. I think we would all still feel the same pain even if we did get an answer or closure. What is helping me, is to stop dwelling on the past and start looking into a better future. This type of relationship is highly addictive. We can all be more empowered by this breakup and use that energy in a more healthy productive way by trying new things and meeting new people. It is very difficult at first and if you feel like falling, don’t. Find the strength by either talking to someone, comimg to sites like this, or finding some podcasts on this subject and getting through the pain that comes along with a breakup. I know it feels like this was the guy of your dreams but he’s not. Stop waiting and putting your life on hold. If he decides to divorce and come for you later then so be it. Meanwhile Find some acceptance. I think we will all learn a lesson by knowing at the very least we deserve a whole lot more. And when we find it there will be no question. For the three years I was with him after he left, I had a sick feeling in my gut. I did not trust him in the least. Who wants to live that way. And if you are married yourself, find whats missing and work on it and see that through. Don’t take shortcuts any more. Listen to your heart, your head, and your gut. I think we can all get through it and live a more happy life. xo

  • Anonymous38

    So I saw a picture of my ex-mm with his wife and child on Instagram…I almost felt jealous and envious…but it quickly faded away…and Im happy about that…

    The other day he sent me a text about porn sites ..and that he would love to do one with me…

    Ugh…she could have him…

  • Kelly

    My problem doesn’t seem so bad as some of you because I’ve only been in this affair for 3months and we haven’t actually slept together, but it still hurts like hell. We are both married and met because we work 2 doors apart. We started just meeting for quick walks etc.. then we kissed and we kept meeting after work but only for 10mins as he had to pick up his kids!! Then we’d meet on a Saturday if he worked and we’d text all the time and I’d walk past his work and he’d pay me compliments. Last week he came into my work as it was me on my own. We got a little carried away but didn’t sleep together as we said we never would because we were both married! Then he called me a little while later and said he can’t do this anymore and he felt too guilty!! He said he should have done it face to face but he couldn’t, now I don’t know if he really felt guilty or if he was worried we might take it further. He chased me more, but now I feel like crap and miss the compliments and having our little meetings and the passion!! Am I being stupid as it’s only been a short time and I think I’m the only one who’s going through this!! Thanks for listening. X

    • Susan

      Kelly – RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN away from this man. I tell you this with love. There is NOTHING but pain in your future if you choose to continue. xoxo Susan

    • Tricia

      Kelly . Be thankful it didn’t go any further .Because it Is a very Heartful and Emotional Journey that will lead In Heartbreak . I wish I’d hadn’t embarked on this journey I thought I could handle it .

      • Kelly

        Thank you Susan and Tricia,
        he messaged me today and said he was really sorry about the way he treated me. And gave me a few compliments, which I wish he hadn’t. The main problem is, I see him nearly everyday, it’s so hard, I want to hate him. It would make it easier. Why can’t I stop thinking about him all the time, it hurts so much. Just don’t want to do anything.. How do people cope that have actually slept together that must be so much harder.
        😪
        X

        • Tricia

          Kelly. Dealing with a married man is always good In the beginning because they trying to gain your trust and devotion. When the passion comes he will awaken something In U that U will crave and have been longing for awhile . U won’t have any control over your emotions even thou U think u can handle it . Having a affair is a sad lonely place u will feel guilt at times and ashame of yourself because part of U allowed this ! This not an experience U want . I know it hard because u are so close in space and the temptations Is there don’t allow yourself to be alone with him because u will give in to the temptation ! Kelly be careful .

        • Maggie

          Run Kelly run. Do not contact him. If he contacts you tell him you can’t do this. Believe me you do not want to continue this. The pain just gets worse.

  • Laura (Flo)

    Ladies, I just messaged him. What have I done?? I’ve done so well, I haven’t messaged him since I last told him to leave me alone. We see each other at work and he tried small talk but I just walked away, and I was so proud of myself but today I’m so down in the dumps. I can’t stop thinking about him and I’ve gone and messaged him! I feel like crying. I feel like an idiot, but he’s always there in my mind. I hope he doesn’t reply, but then I think that will hurt more. I can’t believe myself. This is harder than I thought it would be 😞

    • Tricia

      Laura: Been there still there ! I told my M.M I want to take care of him and how much my feelings have deepen for him . That man is the cream In my coffee I love him . I know there’s no future I give him my body freely then I go feeling stupid or Used ! But I try to let him go and do no contact or break things off but Im to weak oh plus he my landlord with my keys to my apartment so I doubt I can have another man right . Laura we can’t help who we love we human don’t beat yourself up everything will work out In God Timing.

  • Pancake

    I wanted to thank you all for all your kindness and love.
    I’m hanging in there. Taking one day at a time. I still think about my MM. I have not contacted him again and he never emailed back how he was doing.
    I wanted to let you know I have read ever letter written and want you all to know I feel your pain and I hope someday in the nearest future you will all find peace in your hearts.
    I’m truly sorry about those MM who just decide to end things without giving you the proper respect you deserve. It’s so painful not to have closure. I don’t think it’s because they don’t miss you or love you, but moreso they got caught by their wives and don’t know how to deal with the situation they are now in. That’s not saying you all don’t deserve answers. They turn into cowards who fear a nasty divorce, judgement by others: family, friends, coworkers, guilt for all the pain they have caused their families. Also, the guilt for hurting you who gave him everything. So your MM choose do nothing to ease your pain.
    They are trying to make their home life better – I’m sure they suffer in silence the loss of not having each and everyone of you in their lives. There is no one they can share their loss with.
    You are truly all beautiful, magnificent women who deserve the world. These MM were fortunate to have you in their lives. Not the other way around.

    • Maggie

      This made me feel so much better. Thank you for saying this. My MM was a coward. She told their children and his parents and he caved. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t enough for him. But he wasn’t good enough for me.

    • the one who was betrayed.

      Pancake. you are so spot on. Big hugs to you! i am going through the same thing, 2 weeks ago he told his wife and dumped me. 12 years into the trash. 12 years of love, sharing our lives and standing strong through pain in life. it meant nothing to him, because he didnt give me closure. he can easily send me an email at work. I truly hope we all find peace one day. one day at a time, please ladies focus on yourselves, take care of your beautiful selfs, work hard, study hard, buy things you always wanted to buy and i hope we find our soulmates. I will never forget my MM, i am sure he will,he is obviously moving on. thank you for this post Pancake, you totally hit the nail on the head.

  • Hayley

    Maggie – same here. Had a melt down in my car yesterday had to fake some excuse about work when I arrived home, today I am being spoilt rotten. I don’t deserve it. My head is thick and heavy but my friend came round, we walked the dogs together I told her a few things and it’s helped massively so at the moment I’m feeling ok, hardly thought about him. I’m sure tomorrow will be another story.
    I’ll be glad when I’ve moved on fully and it stops hurting so much.
    One day at a time. I’m glad you are having a better day x x

    • Maggie

      I cant wait for the day I don’t hurt anymore and I dont think about him anymore. Glad you are having a better day as well. I cried again in my car on my commute home. This constant emotional yo-yoing is horrible

  • Paula livato

    A three yr affair with a married man has been lonely deppressed knowing he leaves me to go home to his wife . He has no shame no guilt how could I let it go on for so long. It’s been two days he stopped calling or texting me won’t return my calls or text. I’m hurt confused . I want him to feel the way I feel how dare him be happy. Just stop talking to me did he not care about me

    • Susan

      Paula-They seem to have no conscience. They dont feel things like we do. They are mainly in it for sex and attention they dont get at home. But my feeling is when the home life “needs” them…..they dump the OW.

    • Tricia

      Paula . U are not alone that’s the problem dealing with these M.M U are vulnerable all U do is wait on them to throw U a little attention and time and we settle for that . And U never when things will end with them what’s really going on with them . And U question your morals everyday .Its been 7 yrs with me and my M.M a lot of loneliness and ups and down sometimes I don’t understand myself but I’m afraid I’ve falling In love with him.

  • Jenny

    Hi ladies, Jenny here again
    It’s been 2days that I haven’t been to work 🙁 I’m getting helpless and worst. I don’t know what to do anymore. I stopped living. At all 🙁 He never messaged me for a week now but today he just came here at home with food. I beg him not to contact me and come back here anymore because it’s killing me. I want to move on and be okay. I really want to. Right now, I’m really itching to message or call his wife and tell her everything. The last 7yrs of us. Just so she would know. Is it a terrible move? Please someone enlighten me. I want his wofe to know, is all.

    • Susan

      Jenny – Be careful about telling the wife. I did and he never spoke to me again. Although that was exactly why I told her. I wanted the affair to end. It was killing me. Being in the affair killed me – then ending it killed me. But atleast I do not have to live with the guilt and shame and constant wanting anymore. He’s gone. But I still miss him. Still send him emails sometimes, etc. He has not communicated with me in almost 4 months. I can’t believe you have been in this for 7 years. I hope you can get out of it. I am a Christian and I honestly believe God did me a favor. I believe God is in control. I used to pray for my MM to come to me, call me, divorce his wife for me. When I would pray those prayers my soul would hurt because of what I was doing. It was wrong and going nowhere. It is so exciting but ruins your life.

    • Tricia

      Jenny: I know your hurting Sweetie but please don’t mess with his wife ! She has nothing to do with u guys affair ! Hurting her will not easy your pain and won’t bring him closer to you .It will only make things worse between U two don’t do nothing u can’t take back . Be the bigger person U are better then that .Don’t lett this affair ruin your life ! Stay Strong !

  • Susan

    All – I am super depressed today. My email is sm313223@gmail.com. I sent his wife an email that he called me and we were back together. Then got scared she might get a restraining order on me so sent another email apologizing and saying it wasn’t true and I would leave her alone. I have anxiety really bad anyway but today am totally freaking out.

      • Susan

        Maggie – No, I told his wife last July. The texting stopped. We continued to email up until June of this year. At first he lied his way out of it with his wife. But I realized he was not going to see me anymore. So I started sending her more and more information. Which ultimately has caused them to divorce. He hates me now. Our last communication was in June. I sent him a text and he told me “Please stop, I’m begging you”. After that he blocked me on his phone and I assume his email because he won’t respond to anything. I have depression/anxiety anyway – so this has been really hard on me. It has triggered a major depression for me. When I was with him I was a size 8 and I have gained 60 pounds since we broke up. I’m tall 5’9″ and in a size 14 — but feel like crap about myself. His wife looks good in the pics she posts on her Twitter account and I cannot STOP comparing myself to her. She is all smiles and happy now. I think she was looking for a way out of the marriage to begin with. From what he told me they had nothing to do with each other. Could have been lies – but she seemed to file for divorce VERY fast. And seems very happy. Like everyone else on here – my MM constantly filled my head with how beautiful I was, how smart I was, we texted/emailed daily. I miss it. I miss his adoration and his friendship. I had known him since high school. It is just shocking to me how he could totally stop communication with me. But I think when she filed for divorce that did it. I also feel guilty because I live with my boyfriend and he loves me unconditionally. I wish I could confide in him these sad feelings I have but I can’t. It would hurt him.

      • Susan

        To be honest – I think it is a good thing I have gained weight. Because if I were still skinny and looking good – I would probably go to see him and beg him back. He lives in another state. I could see myself doing that. So God is protecting from myself.

    • Tricia

      Susan. U have come so far and I know U miss him I’m tell U the same thing I told Jenny .U are better then that and telling a man wife Is not right but sometimes we get so emotional and get caught up In our own feeling we don’t think we act . And I know U are a good person because U try to support the other ladies on this site.Please leave the wife alone. It’s not helping U it’s hurting U and not easing your pain.Don’t let this affair consume or ruin your life .Another man would be so Happy to know U and be with U and U deserve that too don’t short change yourself .

      • the one who was betrayed,

        Hello everyone 🙁 I feel so heartbroken. it has been 2 weeks, the longest we have gone without contact. he dumped me by telling his wife. After 12 years of being so close he dumped me like trash and didn’t have the decency to apologize or give me the closure i desperately need. I cry every minute, I cannot focus, I have no future and because he was helping me financially I am in despair. I really hope I do not wake up everyday. How can someone who told me everyday that no matter what he would never me, leave me like trash. Will he ever apologize to me? Its too late anyway because I am changing my phone number this week. I already deleted everything about him and even our mutual friend is gone to me. I feel so lonely, depressed, betrayed. I understand if his wife found out and he had to hide for a little until things settled down, but he decided to tell his wife because I threatened to do so. I wish i never told him I would tell his wife, he said oh yeah? I will tell my wife then, and he did it. I told him NO, i would never tell her, I wanted to get his attention. oh boy, how i fucked up… 🙁 wish i could go back.

        • Tricia

          The one who was betrayed. I’m so sorry u are in this postion .I been with my MM for 7 yrs on and off I be so lonely at times sometimes I simply don’t how I allowed myself to settle for crumbs and fall In love with a married man . Some days I’m good some days are not good . Sometimes we say and do things we regret and can’t take back our emotions take over . I remember when I told off my M.M girl I knew I messed up and losing him I wasn’t ready to do so I apologize yup I caved In ! So now I chose my words differently . Maybe U try talking to him when things cool down ? I truly hope everything work out for U . 🙏🏾

          • the one who was betrayed..

            Hi Susan and Tricia. Thank you both ladies, hugs to you. Tricia, I totally understand! we both are in the same position, I really regret the mean things I told him. IT was my LOVE && HA emotions…. are you back with your MM? i cant even call mine, he told me he will tell his wife then file restraining order. do you think he may call me one day for closure?? I dont think he will since he told his wife, what do you ladies think. HELP ME PLZ 🙁 ARGH CRIES.. TEARS OF LOVE.. 🙁

        • Tricia

          The one who was betrayed. I would hope when things cool down maybe u can talk it gotta be something there between u two after 12 . Man get scared when U mention the wife or there marriage I remember when my MM thought I said something about his marriage he Damn Near went off on me this was early In the game this was when I knew wife was off limits ! And I’m cool with that .Men hearts are different from women’s your MM is hurt so he want to hurt u in the worst way by filing a retraining order against the other woman . I could only image the pain u feel I pray that everything work for U with him . Yes I’m still with him but I’m lonely and sometimes feel foolish and used . I never thought I would be the other woman but I fell in love with him today I cooked him lunch he couldn’t make it because of work but he apologize. I’m so scared when the end comes because know it will hurt but I just learned not to expect much from him sound stupid I know but that way my feeling ain’t to hurt . Some days I wonder if he got another mistress ? He is a handsome middle aged man but I don’t let my mind go there . Keep your faith In God because he will provide your needs and see U thought this difficult time .

      • Susan

        Hanging in there. I have officially given up. No more trying to email him (or his wife) to share my side of what happened. I will never get closure from them. Gotta let go and move on. I pray and trust God to get me through. And I have a loving supportive boyfriend. I pray for all you ladies every day.

  • Michelle

    I have fallen in love with a married man. It all started a year ago and we established there were feelings. We met up a lot and we kissed three times. This is as far as we have gotten. His wife Is now pregnant. We both agreed to stop communicating. We have stopped everything.
    My guilt is just so bad some days and then I realize I’m human. He just is going on with his life and I’m still madly in love with him. I am also just so angry with him that he perused me. I know this all could have been avoided. I just wish I could turn back time. I also don’t know how to move on, he is all I think about.

    • Katie C

      Michelle, I feel your pain. Why did he pursue me so hard? How can he just go on with life as if I never existed? It’s been almost a week with zero contact. I’m struggling. Can’t eat. Not sleeping. Lost 10 lbs. all this trying to hold down a demanding FT job I was dumped with no explanation. The pain is horrific, and I feel guilty for getting involved, but he seduced me so hard until he broke me down and I gave in.

      • Maggie

        Katie, I feel your pain. I have lost 18 pounds in 30 days. Working full time is hell, trying to pretend all is well. And I have a husband and children. I feel like trash.

        • Katie C

          Maggie, you are NOT trash. I never understood the whole OW thing after my now ex-husband cheated on me, but I totally get it now. I was seduced and mesmerized by his words. I’m a Christian and knew it was wrong but could not stop myself even though I tried. He lit a fire in me that I didn’t know existed. I should have run, but I couldn’t. We can’t help who we fall for 🙁

  • Katie C

    I just wanted to mention that sometimes MM do leave their wives. I’m living proof. He left me after 13 years of marriage for the OW. Yes, we had young children. Yes, we had a healthy sex life. She was married too with children. I read article after article stating they don’t ever leave their wives. YES, they do! He did not marry the OW, but their relationship lasted 5 years until she saw the light and kicked him to the curb. Him leaving for the OW was the worst thing I’ve ever been through. I hated her, wrote her a scathing letter, called her all kinds of names. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d become someone’s OW. I didn’t want him to leave his wife because I’ve lived that nightmare. He recently ghosted on me, and I am clueless as to wtf happened. I’m guessing he got a conscience and couldn’t live the double life anymore.

    I desperately want an explanation. I know I deserve nothing, but after all that we shared you’d THINK he’d have the decency to say goodbye properly. But, then again, I’m dealing with a cheater. One I loved and adored as sick as that is. I cry myself to sleep every night. I feel so incredibly lost and hurt.

    • Maggie

      Katie, I know how you feel. Mine went so far as to pick out a house and ask what kind of ring I wanted. And then dumped me on my ass. I feel awful.

      • Katie C

        Maggie, I miss him so much. I know it’s so wrong, but I can’t turn the feelings off. It went from him contacting me at every feasible opportunity to silence. We laughed so much on the phone, shared life experiences we’d had, made plans of when we’d next meet. The last time I spoke to him in person was last Friday night. He was so different and cool towards me. I asked him why the communicating had decreased. He made excuses about work and also said wifey had asked to see his phone the other night (he said nothing was on it). Why couldn’t he have just been truthful? He didn’t even say it was over, yet it obviously is. He texted me briefly the next day (last Saturday) and that is the last I’ve heard. I honestly understand and respect that he chose his wife. I just don’t get the leaving me hanging with no explanation. That is cruel and cowardly. Honestly never expected him to behave this way, but I guess this is how cheaters are. I hope I’ve learned my lesson and will RUN next time an MM comes my direction.

        • Maggie

          Today is 30 days. The silence is unbearable. He was my best friend long before any of this and now I feel so alone. My depression is overwhelming. I am now on two antidepressants and looking into a counselor. I can’t talk to anyone about this…because I too am married.

    • delilah white

      Hi Katie C. and everyone also, I am so grateful that I found this website with these comments, you ladies are making me feel better. I am in such a horrid position. I was dated a MM for over 10 years then, the other day we had an argument and he felt upset and hurt because I told him the truth, he felt threatened, so he told his wife everything. She called me, he played the victim, and poof he is gone like the wind. He use to call me every 10 minutes telling me he loved me and missed me and would never leave me and when push came to shove, he dumped me like trash. We had a mutual so called friend who I trusted, who told him to dump me since he couldn’t live a double life, even though that supposed friend was taking my side, because I loved him deeply. I am devastated. I cant eat, drink, function, he has ruined me completely, he deleted me off everything and his wife told me if I ever contact him she is filing a restraining order. I couldn’t believe it. I protected him, I did not tell her half the things he told me, he was the one clingy to me. I have to move on. lots of hugs to you other women, you ladies are amazing, lets stay together, and pray nice men single available come our way. xo

      • Katie C

        Delilah and everyone. I totally feel your pain. It’s unbearable. I have lost 10 lbs. I have a FT job where I have to be on top of my game at all times, and it’s so hard. I cry when I’m alone. Have no one to talk to as this affair was top secret. I’m a good person who fell for the persistent seduction of the wrong man. I truly loved him and was willing to settle for the crumbs. How sick is that? How does he not miss me? How can he live with himself dumping like a hot potato with explanation or warning? I refuse to contact him to ask wtf happened. I want to, but I have to maintain no contact if I’m to heal from this. He was such a huge part of my life and happiness, and now it’s as if he dropped off the face of the earth. Why does he think it’s ok to leave me hanging with no closure? The pain is excruciating.

      • the one who was betrayed,

        Hi Maggie, thank you for being so kind, all of you strong women on here, i want to say i LOVE you. My ex-MM broke up with me recently, had his wife call me and he threw me under the bus. I protected him, was with him for over 10 years. my fault, i tried to do No contact, but he kept coming back and I felt so alone and loved him and forgave him. is anyone willing to email me? i would love to talk to someone here, I am all by myself. He left me with nothing. he knows I have no job, no career, and barely any family. I feel so alone. My email is babygirly17@yahoo.com, please email me and maybe we can be friends and heal together. Can i get some advice? Will he ever call me to apologize? probably not right, why would he initiate the breakup by telling his wife everything if he loved me? He is probably so happy now, he used me for years and now his wife whom he told me things about can love each other. I see on fb that she is doing well and he is on his email, instead of apologizing for ruining my life. he went on. it has been a week. does anyone know when this pain will stop? My heart aches, I am trying to make a life for myself but feel so lost. please email me anyone.

        • Laura

          I’m in a place that I can’t explain. Some days are good, others are shite. I see him all the time, and I usually have small chit chat, however this week I’ve ignored him and i can’t even look at him. It’s really hurting. My email is always open too, I need to talk to others who are going through the same. Keepsmilingflo@gmail.com

          • the one who was betrayed,

            Hi Laura and Hi Tricia and Hi Katie and Hello to everyone lol.. lots of hellos. Thank you girls for responding. The pain we are enduring now is so intense so hurtful, I cry for all of us. It is so freaking hard to get over these MM. It is incredible what they have done to us, they used us and when push came to shove, they dropped us like trash. I dont know how they live with themselves knowing they broke our hearts. It has been a week since my Ex MM dumped me and blocked me and everything. you know what i did? I deleted all of our messages, deleted the apps we spoke on, and slowly starting to move on. I need to go back to school, get a career and start working. He was toxic and I will never EVER EVER forgive him for what he did to me, he left me during the hardest time of my life, he showed me what he thought of me, he promised to never leave me. I am slowly getting in shape, going to the gym every other day, looking into going to school, and removing his toxic self from my life. What hurts me so bad, was that i was really good friends with a family member of his, and she told me she loved me! When he dumped me, I found out from her that she encouraged him to dump me because she said he cannot live two lives anymore. I was so hurt, I cried and wanted to disappear, and begged her to contact him, she said she did but didnt want to help me fix this. She contacted me the other day, but i never responded and never will. My next goal is changing my number and moving on. I really miss and love him, but reality is, I wasted over 10 years on him and cannot manage to waste another 10, I mean if he didnt dump ME i probably would lol, but now that he dumped me, he has given me freedom. I love you girls, please email me and we can stick together. my email is babygirly17@yahoo.com -contact me anytime. We will get over these pigs, they are truly pigs. Love them though because we fell in LOVE with them, but they just want to use us 🙁 help. sigh.

            Katie C- I read your response, I am so sorry, I am giving you a big hug and a shoulder to lean on. I also have lost weight, 8 pounds so far, I want to lose a lot more as a result of this heartbreaking situation. I am so sorry about all your stress, you are an incredible woman, working FT damn! your amazing. The affair with MM also was a secret, but his good friend knew and i thought liked me but didnt. you can always reach out to me 🙂 you know whats funny? I also say he dumped me like a hot potato! When I saw you write that I was like OMG we think the same!! I used that term also. I have no clue how they can live with themselves, they lie to their wives and then lie to us. The MM always look like the VICTIM. lol even though they are the MAIN PRIORITY SUSPECT. HUGS TO YOUALL, LOVE TO YOUALL <3 FOREVER. LOVE.

        • Tricia

          The One Who was betrayed. I’m so sorry U are experience such Heartache. Your story broke my heart my story is different from yours but the pain is all the same. If he wanted to end thing’s with U he could have done it better then that ! That is cruel and ugly and sad . U deserve so much better then that sweetie .It sound like U weren’t in a good place in your life and he use that to his advantage ? But I always say U never know what these M.M thinking or what they will do .They priority is to there self and there family ! We are disposable just the other OW ! And sometimes we forget that and think we their Girlfriend until they pull a another disappearing act and we be [ like Damn What Happened ! ] Nothing he want U to see where U truly stand .I never thought that I would settle for this OW stuff ! But we were friends that became lovers It;s been 7 yrs I’m scared of the day when decide to really leave me because I know it will feel like Hell My Heart will Ache worse. I don’t know why we just can’t let them go ? We know the deal it won’t end well. I cannot tell U what to do but I’m give U some advice take this time to try and get yourself together go to church pray for the strength to let him go he doesn’t deserve U ! Empower yourself and better yourself ! Yes U made a mistake by being with a M.M but don’t let that define who U are and your Value as a woman . Don’t worry about his life with his wife Married people always put on a unity front with pictures of the family and the wife ! U will never know what goes on behind close door and they never tell .Focus On U and where U want to be In your life . Don’t beat up on yourself yes U will miss him want contact him and when that day come write Us Or me for support U are not alone.God Bless .Stay Strong !

    • Brenda

      My MM also ghosted me and it’s killing not to know the reasons why? I’m also married I know I know I damn suck. But I suppose I just feel like I need closure and he never gave me that. Big hugs to you sweetie

  • Katie C.

    I really don’t know how MM and I wound up having an affair. I certainly wasn’t looking for it. Maybe he was, for he did pursue me hard. He said the most wonderful things to me and made me feel alive for the first time in many years of being single and guarded. He said he’d never had an affair before, and I do think that’s true. Our affair was hot and heavy. He was amazing. Contacted me at every chance he could, always made plans for our next rendezvous. I was love bombed hard.

    Then out of the clear blue a week ago, he did a 180. First the phone calls stopped, then the texting. I didn’t press the issue because I refuse to chase, but I’ve been beyond devastated. We ran into each other last night. He hugged me and said he’d been busy and stressed out at work,but he was acting VERY different towards me. Obviously not into me anymore. I have no idea what happened.

    I’m crying all the time and can’t eat. I feel rejected. I just need to hear from him that it wasn’t anything against me personally but just that he got guilt feelings and wants to stay faithful to his wife (?) I honestly don’t think there’s a new other woman because he was very afraid of being caught by his wife.

    He CONSTANTLY threw me compliments during our time. Even said I was the total package. Our short-lived affair was fun and amazing and intense. Then suddenly, poof, it was over with no real explanation. I at least deserved that. He did text me yesterday and asked if I was ok. I said I was doing pretty well when in reality, I’m a complete mess. I want to unleash my fury and remind him of how he said he would always cherish me and never hurt me. But I’m taking the high road and being that strong, independent woman he fell for. I refuse to fall apart on him, but I’m totally dying inside and don’t know how to cope. Mad at myself for getting tangled up in this to begin with. But Lord knows I miss him and don’t know how to shut off these feelings. I feel like I just need to hear from him “why?” I don’t dare initiate contact with him, so I find myself sitting around waiting. Planning my lunch schedule around his because that’s when he used to call. Sick I know! Please talk sense into me. I’ve turned down countless men over the years, but this MM broke through every barrier, and I fell hard and now feel i will never recapture those feelings for anyone else. I also feel like yesterday’s garbage the way he so easily threw me away.

    • Tricia

      Katie C. I so relate to your story I wasn’t looking for affair either I never thought i’ll be with somebody husband and settle for crumbs what the hell wrong with me ? But girl that man is in my system and I don’t know how to cut him loose and I use to didn’t tell him how I feel but I do now the hell with it I can’t share this with nobody else . I do think guilt of having a affair get to them and they pull away or the wife start thinking something so they break away I been off and on with my MM for 7 yes mainly because I hate to say he is easy to be with when he with me I feel so good then he leave and I start to feel used and stupid and alone .And funny part is I feel like if I date another man I’m cheating crazy ain’t it ? I can be mad at him because I knew he was married but I want him so bad and I was coming out of a bad relationship and dealing with a lot of personal issues and he was my rock he is everything I want in a man . And I to plan my schedule to be with him I try to N/C it never last long I always cave it so swear I think he has a spell on me crazy I know . But we cannot help who we fall in love with even if he married with children we know it’s wrong we live with the shame and guilt too . Don’t be hard on yourself remember they invited Us into their world ! All affairs has a slow deaf and everything will eventually work it’s self out .Stay Strong !!

      • Katie C.

        Thank you for your response. Sorry you’re going through this too. It sucks, and I don’t know which way to turn. Going from constant contact to nothing has been devastating, and I don’t even know what happened. He could have at least given me an explanation instead of leaving me wondering wth happened. I know the affair was wrong, but he pursued me so hard and broke me down and said and did all the right things. But he has turned into a real loser the way he cut all ties with no warning. I’m guessing he started feeling guilty and went no contact with me. I’m doing the same with him. I refuse to text or call. I will see him in a couple of weeks due to an event we are both attending. I’m hoping by then I’ll be “over it.” I don’t plan to talk to him unless he talks to me first. This is so unreal and so hurtful, but I played with fire and got burned. I should have resisted his sweet talk, and I honestly tried, but he worked some kind of magic on me. I’m just an anxious mess and miss how we were and don’t understand this. I guess time will heal 💔

        • Tricia

          Katie C. I remember the first time my M,M stop contact with and pulled a disappearing I went crazy I was a mess ! He was gone for about 1 month or longer ? All my hurt turned to anger and I text him In the middle of the night and told him a piece of my mind ! He remembered me then ! That when I knew I was disposable the other woman where he felt he didn’t owe me nothing I I also think to that in some cases that the Married Man start to develop feelings for us and they know they cannot afford to have real feelings for Us because their married so they just stop everything without a word nothing ! See we are just supposed to be the good time ladies fantasy not reality . I say this because Katie your friend so not done with U .U made him feel alive again and good about himself .He knows how U feel about him he felt your energy when he hugged U .Being with a M.M is like being on a rollercoaster it’s fun and exciting but make U sick ? But yet we continue to ride it crazy .. I’m so glad I found this site because I had really nobody to talk to because of shame and people judging me I felted like I was alone reading these ladies stories let me know I’m not alone .Katie C .U aren’t alone never feel shamed for your discision to deal with a married man we are only human nobody perfect . P.S don’t try to understand the married man because U will never really know what go on with them. Just deal with your own well being and Sanity ! Good luck Girl .

  • Maggie

    For those who have successfully recovered from the married man affair how long did it take you? This is three weeks no contact. His decision. They are working things out. I feel like I’m dying.

    • Marie

      Mine called it off 6 weeks ago… same thing working things out with the wife. So no contact since then. This is after a 3 year affair and the last 6 months of trying but failing at the no contact thing. The first two weeks were absolute hell but I am so much better now. I still think about him a lot but every day it gets easier. I doubt that there is a rule in terms of time to heal as everyone is different as is their situation. In the beginning it was minute by minute, then hour by hour then day by day and before you know it a week has gone by. Time does heal. Just hang in there. The no contact thing does work. You can do it.

      • Maggie

        It’s definitely a roller coaster of emotions. I’m all over the place. And even if he comes back I feel like I would be taking a huge risk that he would do it again.

    • PeggySue

      Hi Maggie,
      In my experience (I’ve posted about my experience several times below) and also what Tammy wrote below are two experiences that explain our recovery processes which I think are similar. Others here who have had their MM end it, mostly say it just takes time and that NC works.

      Again, I can only speak for myself, but I noticed that Tammy had very similar realizations as I had once we finally opened our eyes and got tired of the situation. I refer to it as thinking like a ‘man’ or at least these men.

      We grew tired of not being a priority, realized their actions proved that we really didn’t matter much to them (versus the words that some got – I really did not). When we stepped back and thought objectively (rather than with our emotions) we realized that if we were truly important and loved, then they wouldn’t want us only as the side chick. If you aren’t at that point yet, if you are still believing that this affair is ‘different’, that this MM is meant to be with me, that he will eventually realize he is happier with me etc., then it’s rough. That was exactly how I spent my first year in the affair. Then, I very slowly started to realize that he was perfectly happy living 2 lives. What he wanted was his “real life” with me on the side. I actually don’t blame him; it’s a great setup for him, and I *allowed* it.

      I could only tolerate that for about a year, and then I went NC for 4 months. We started up again for a very short time (I contacted him), and that time it was on my terms. My heart was barely in it that point. I mainly started again so I could treat him badly to show I didn’t care (immature I know) barely making time for him; not answering his calls, definitely not showing the same feelings that I shown had previously because I didn’t have those feelings any longer. I actually told him that our feelings were finally in-line; that I cared about him, as much as he cared about me. I then realized that it wasn’t all that satisfying because I don’t like to treat people that way, and worse I realized that he was fine with that setup too! That is when I cut all contact, and that was 6 months ago. It wasn’t even a conversation. I stopped taking his calls really. His final voicemail/text to me said that he wouldn’t bother me again, and that was it. He was too selfish to ever end it himself, and he’s too stubborn/proud to EVER contact me, so that’s how it ended.

      And, I hate to say it, but if you MM ended your affair….then that says it all. Your MM actually wants to work on his marriage. My MM was perfectly happy to stay in our affair until “I had enough, or he got caught” and those were HIS WORDS when I asked how long this was going to go on. I mean really, how low did my self respect have to go? Looking back, I know I was a total fool, but I’m happy that I finally woke up.

      I hope this helps you, and I wish you the best.

      • Susan

        Peggy Sue,

        Your story sounds so much like mine. The thinking this is different, we are “special” – we have this magical connection that will eventually work out to where we ride off into the sunset together. Did not happen. And the more I wanted real concrete answers – the more he started to pull away. I was actually going to sell my house and move to his state. I cannot even imagine where I would be now had I done that. Very depressed, lonely, and probably drunk (I am a recovering alcoholic). He told me to wait on moving, etc. He said “We’ll get you up here somehow”. But he was not talking about “us” being together. He was talking about me moving up there so we could continue the affair and I would just be closer. You know so he could come have sex with me on his lunch hour and stuff. Ugh. It sickens me how hung up on him I got. And how much I was believing the bs that we would actually end up together. We knew each other from high school so that stung even more. I felt like I could really trust him. Since I had known him so long. It was ALL crap. It was all for sex. I am glad I told his wife and they split up. When I did that he told me in an email that he “hated my guts”. Well that’s fine. I am over it now and only feel anger and shame. I miss what I “thought” I had. I miss the con artist that lied to me on a daily basis telling me how great I was, how sexy and smart I was, how we were so great together and most of all – how NOBODY knew me like he did. That was really what got to me. He was messing with my mind. He told me that nobody on this earth could read my mind except him. That he could literally read my mind! It is crazy making. And it will make you feel like a piece of dirt when they eventually let go (and it is very easy for them to do that – because they just go back home to the family). I think they are all serial cheaters and just find someone else.

    • Susan

      It has taken me about a year. I hung on though. I wish that I had just cut it off clean last July when we broke up. But I still emailed, texted. I wouldn’t let go. You will get over it. I tried to commit suicide in 1995 over a break up. I survived and got over him and barely remember what he looks like now. Don’t ruin the rest of your life over this. You CAN get over him. I think we all crave excitement in our lives and affairs are very “exciting”. It’s all hot sex, fun texts and emails. But the reality of it is – it’s not real. Sounds cliche but focus on yourself and building your own life. Meet someone else.

      • Maggie

        I haven’t made any contact. The wife found out and he ended it over the phone with her present. I am severely depressed. Just struggling day by day.

        • Tricia

          Maggie . None of this is your problem it’s his ! Chance are the wife been knew It’s her husband she know and In most cases the wife knows she just deal with it until she cannot believe it or not she is a victim too some women be long suffering wives . Please don’t beat yourself up about your affair yes u played a small part but we are not perfect we are human we have no control over what the heart want or who we love . Please forgive yourself seek help for your depression. Everything will work it’s self out trust in God ! Prayers .

    • PeggySue

      Something to think about ladies. I’ve read many articles that say that for the MM it’s not about how they feel about us, as much as the way that WE make THEM feel. I know that I adored my MM, just like everyone here did. I treated him kindly, with respect, compassion, and with consideration. He said to me on two different occasions that he “felt like a king when he was with me”. Believe me laides, I did not do ANYTHING other than treat him like a human being (his wife treats him like a child) and STILL, he prefers to stay married.
      Men will leave if they are truly unhappy at home and are truly in love with the OW. That is very rare; we all know the statistics on that. Most divorces are initiated by the wives. These men are just cheaters.

      • Susan

        This is 100% true. I adored my MM. Told him constantly how gorgeous he was, what a great body he had, how great he was in bed. On and on and on. I got tired of it. I wanted a normal relationship. It got to where all I felt like was his cheer leader and sex toy. And, honestly that is what I was to him. I have no idea how his wife treats him/treated him. I know very little about her except what I have seen on her Twitter which I still stalk. She is a high level recruiter and makes alot of money. They live in a 4400 SF house on 9 acres in NC. She comes from family money. He was a minor league baseball player when they met and he was also engaged to someone else when they met. So yeah, he cheated on his fiance with his now wife. He was known in high school as a total player and dated everybody and anybody and then some. So he has a huge ego. He went totally bald his sophomore year in college and he told me that “crushed his confidence”. So vain. He is very good looking and has a great body so he will find someone else I am sure of it. Probably already has. Makes me sick. I think his wife was probably more “insulted” that he would dare cheat on her than hurt. From her recent Twitter posts she is full of jokes, laughing and talking about her great life.

      • Laura

        Peggy! You have hit the nail on the head! I’ve struggled, and still am struggling a bit about this whole situation. The first time we met up, we only kissed. We went on a walk, and just laid watching the stars (sounds so gay! But at the time it felt amazing) then the days after he kept messaging me telling me he couldn’t believe how I made him feel. He felt wanted and needed. Said the way i kissed him was something else, like I longed for him and it was passionate. The more I think of it, the more I realise he was using me for excitement. I get marriages turn boring, my 2 proper relationships turned boring so I get it. He was stuck (still is stuck) in a rut with his wife. Typical wake up, work, home, bed etc. But with me I gave him the excitement he was so needing and wanted. Because for me I had feelings, so every chance I got to show him I was falling for him I gave it to him on a plate. I can’t believe how stupid I was, and still am. I haven’t met up with him since last time. I so want to, but I’m being strong. I deserve better than being used. He doesn’t want me, he just NEEDS me to feed his ego, make him feel wanted and great and I won’t give him the satisfaction. It’s my turn to feel wanted and loved properly.

  • Tammy

    Pancake, I know your plight far too well!! Mine is on 3yrs now n I have now finally ended it, he will come again soon I know it but this time will be different. His actions n words have never matched, obviously to just pull me back in he’d say what he thought I needed to hear. I ended it 2yrs ago n was doing well on my own, only after a few months he came to me n stated I was his world n he wanted to make changes. Took him 6 months to try n even talk to his wife nothing happened, he even went away on vacation wt her after telling her. I stopped contact again, month later shows up stating he moved out. That last only the weekend he moved back! Again no contact n he shows up n even gave me a date of him moving out, that date came n went wt nothing! Again he shows up at my door month half later wt no contact again n has moved in wt a coworker, stupid me listened. It’s 7 months later n he hadn’t filed n spends ample time wt her, her older kids n their toddler , I woke up!!! I realize he was trying to make whoever he was in front of happy, never any real follow through as he stated he wanted to devote his life to me…I was an idiot!! His wife controls him wt the kids n he has no back bone!! I was always an option not a priority….it’s been over 2 months n I have not seen him but maybe a text her or there but no substance n I am very distant. He so wanted to see me n continue this charade n keep his family happy. He texted me another lie 2 weeks ago of how he was waiting on paper work in the mail to file for divorce. I don’t believe him or in him, I’ve had weak moments n wanted to contact or see him but afterwards I am so thankful I haven’t. I wrote myself emails to remind me of his faults n all the lies n how he’s made me feel. The 3 yrs of wasted time n missing out on great guys because I longed for him, stupid me!!! Ladies, texting causes a false intimacy!! I read back through texts as we all do n it was him telling me about what he was doing for the day wt his family n asking me what I was doing. He lives less than a few miles from me!!! If he wanted to be wt me he could be, he chooses not!! His car is in their driveway again after a few months ago he says he was getting his own apartment, even sent me flowers! They want what they can’t have!! Come to find out now that I let go I’ve given a few other single good guys a chance n guess what I am a prize!!!! I’ve started dating n I don’t think of him often but when I do I remind myself that my life wt him would be ruled by her even if she is his ex or not n by her kids!! What kind of life is that!? He is not available emotionally, physically or financially!! He doesn’t care how he hurts me….ladies write to yourself to remind how you much anxiety they give you n all the lies they tell you n their family! We can’t be totally honest wt those we love either because of their lies n situation they choose not to change. There are men as one pointed out prior that will move mountains for us but these MM are so into themselves!! I am sad at times n use to feel so depressed I’d sleep my weekends away but now I am angry, not in a vengeful way but pity also. I personally feel he’s playing another girl right now cause he can’t be alone! He’ll come around soon I know thinking I’ll miss him take him back as in the past, they think they can do anything to us n return! Remember statics say only 5% work out wt MM n 99% of them will cheat again n only 30% of the 5% who leave for the other women can make that relationship work…very low statics ladies!! Our hearts want what they want I know but write yourselves the truths n read it when you want to contact them. I feel so stupid wt things but I’ve learned from this!! Don’t beat yourselves up but be good to yourselves n know we all deserve better n more!!!! Pancake n ladies hang in there n try to move on!!

  • Sara

    My MM is 20 years older but at worst he was my boss. He was divorced from first marriage and (little did I know) seeing someone in a different state. Which turned into engagement and marriage which when he met me he knew he’d end up marrying her. It’s so much worse that he’s been with me since the first day of his marriage. She has money, he gets to live in 2 different states with 2 different lives. How convienent? And once I found out I accepted it… which I’m ashamed of but loved him and -as we mostly do- think if we wait for them they’ll be all ours one day. Well 3 1/2 years later of never meeting my family or going to events as a couple and barely meeting friends he slowly turned into someone else just did not treat me the same, everything was on his terms. Barely said he missed me as much. Narcissistic i guess really… but yet I still believe I love him. I’m sure the guilt caught up to him and he took it out on me.. So many men want my attention and we’ve stopped seeing eachother but honestly has only been a few weeks but I miss him and want to reach out so bad.. I know I deserve better and there’s a rainbow at the end of the road but I’m hurting and the fact I still see him 1-2 times a week is even worse.

  • Shells~~

    I have been coming to this site (trolling I guess you’d call it…lol) for about a week now. This site and all of your comments are helping me, and wow, your stories have hit so close to home for me! I came in contact with my MM at a reunion two Summers ago. We did not even know each other in high school because we never had classes together and he joined our class late, our Junior year, and then graduated with us……. I knew of him, but did not know him personally, if that makes sense. He “hung out” with me a bit while I was catching up with my closer friends at the reunion and I thought he was sweet and cute in an adorable, quiet, nerdy kinda way. He lives in a different town, a couple of hours away. About a month after the reunion, he started messaging me and we talked casually from time to time, and then started flirting and meeting out to have drinks, against my better judgement. A few months later we met at a hotel and had an amazing time. Not that the sex was mind blowing, but it was good, and the time together…..kissing, holding, talking, napping was truly amazing. He is an awesome writer and would send me poems he wrote. We messaged everyday and he would call in the morning on our way to work, on the way home from work, and every night when he’d walk his dog. He would tell me about his kids but never his wife. He has kids from his first marriage and a step child with his current wife. I have never questioned the possibility of a future with him because honestly after going through one marriage/divorce with an abusive narcissistic maniac husband and then losing my second husband to stomach cancer shortly after we married, I’m not looking to be with anyone……..which may be why I hooked up with a MM in the first place.
    Now I’ve tried to break this affair off several times, but this MM always easily edges back into my heart and life. Well I can’t be mad at him because I’m a mutual partner and don’t expect a future with him or anyone anyway anytime soon. It’s the guilt I can’t stand. And the fear of getting caught. I truly do not want to hurt his wife and kids! And I truly don’t want to be seen as a whore or the lowlife woman in this as we “other women” are usually seen. I don’t need the drama at all.
    I have stopped communicating with him again and I’m really wanting to stick with this. I do love him a lot, I miss him, and would like to always have contact with him, but I guess any chance of us being just good friends is probably not possible. He has been texting and messaging and I just can’t muster up the strength to tell him what’s up, which I know is cowardly and probably means I’m not too sure if I even want to cut ties. Ughhhhh…….
    He told me the first time we went out for a drink that he probably should’ve never gotten married again because he is the biggest hypocrite, very insecure (which I couldn’t believe that one), and does not care about consequences of his choices or who he hurts. I probably should’ve seen that as a warning I guess but as I said, I wasn’t looking for commitment anyway. This has been a strange situation all around to be honest. I do feel that I should go to a counselor to learn how to deal with this but for now I’ve been googling sites and I got the “No Contact Rule” audio book so for sure I am wanting to resolve this problem. Anyway, thanks to,whoever has read my story. Thanks to you all for your posts too. It’s truly helped to be able to read them.

  • Pancake

    This is very difficult for me to write. After two months I contacted my MM. I don’t even know why I did it.
    I would be lying if I said I never thought about him and how he was doing. I’d would be lying if I said I did not miss him and the texting we once shared. But I was strong and felt so much better once I went no contact. It was difficult for me and at times I could not breathe the pain was so bad. I didn’t think I could withstand not having contact with him, but I did. That is why it is so hard for me to tell you all that I contacted him. When he saw my message he smiled from ear to ear and that I would not believe how much he thought about me. He also wanted to know how I was. I told him simply that I thought of him too and that I was doing well. I asked how he was, but have not heard back from him. It has been a week and I have not heard from him. It felt wonderful to know I made him smile and know that he thought about me, but I knew right away it was a mistake to contact him. All those difficult/sad feelings came rushing back and then waiting to see if he would reply. Everyday now I look for a message from him and my heart sinks knowing I will not get one. I’m sorry I let you all down. I thought I was stronger then I was, but in a one moment I hurt myself by contacting him. I understand without a doubt why I ended contact with him in the first place. The pain of wanting something I could not have. The pain of wanting more knowing that it would never be possible. Now I am on the mend again. Please forgive me for not staying strong. Your kind words and thoughts are needed at this time. ❤️

    • Katie

      Pancake – been there, done that more times than I care to admit. And isn’t it annoying they reply to your first message then ignore the next.. I think this is down to game playing (insecurities), they’ve had the validation that you are missing them, that’s good enough for them to feed their supply for a while longer.. and it keeps you hooked thinking he’s a nice guy just maybe confused, he replied to my first message after all blar blar blar
      2 months is no time. You need 6 months minimum.. so get back on your white horse lovely lady and stay on it.. don’t beat yourself up.
      Don’t forget men take longer to process their emotions,so whilst you were getting stronger he was becoming weaker.. it could have taken months, years maybe but eventually I believe he would have reached out. You are always always better off letting them come to you. Usually when you are ‘fully’ over them some radar goes off and boom they are back ready for the challenge again.
      I now challenge you to six months no contact.. if you get tempted to contact him again ask yourself ‘what will this actually achieve’ also knowing that he misses you is a nice feeling but tell yourself he misses you anyway and why wouldn’t he miss you lovely lady.
      In the meantime continue to be your beautiful self, stay strong and in 6 months from now you’ll be even stronger to the point where you won’t even want to contact him. And if you never hear from him again?? Well who’s loss is that ??
      Hope this helps. I’m trying to listen to my advise as well. Ha.

    • PeggySue

      Pancake,
      Please stop being so hard on yourself. I’m sure we’ve all done what you did; at least I have – numerous times. You didn’t let us down, yes maybe you let yourself down a little bit, but we all understand that feeling too. Mostly you feel let down because he didn’t have the decency to reply, and now you wait and check. Just like we all have.

      The key for me and a few others here is that I finally got tired of being treated like I didn”t matter. I do not mean to sound harsh, but the fact that your MM couldn’t take 3 seconds to at least reply and say “I’m fine” is what I mean. They don’t truly care about us; that is the bottom line. They are perfectly happy having their ‘real’ life and keeping us on the side.

      In the beginning of my affair, I couldn’t go a day without talking to him. Just like all of us here. I went NC a few times and it was horrible. It was horrible *UNTIL* after about a year, I finally slowly started to open my eyes. Now, my eyes are completely open and I see him for what he was. He was perfectly happy to use me *forever*. He NEVER initiated NC because he was too selfish. I made the affair so easy for him. I have been completely done with him for 6 months now. All I feel now is contempt for him AND myself for being so absolutely foolish to think he was anything special, and that my affair was anything different. Yes, that probably will never go away for me.

      If you really start thinking about the way you were treated – his actions – and not what he said (mine never even told me lies about our future etc. which makes me even more of a fool) then you will move on and be just fine. They are using us plain and simple. People get divorced every single day. If they really wanted to be with us, they would. There is no excuse; they just would. We aren’t worth that much to them. The ‘unknown’ of what it would really be like with us. “Giving up” what they *know*. Splitting up assets and making custody arrangements. It’s all too “difficult”. Obviously, they can tolerate their home life; it’s simply not that bad. We just make it a little bit better for them, *when* they decide they have the time for us. Once you realize all of this – truly realize and accept it, it’s easy to walk away. Not to say I don’t want revenge, and I will get it, but that’s another story…..

    • Marie

      Really don’t beat yourself up over it. As I went they the no contact thing I failed so many times. It took me almost 6 months of trying and failing but you will eventually get there. Two steps forward, one step back… but you still get there. Katie made a really valid observation… these guys definitely have this radar thing. I swear it was this way for me… as soon as I was in a better place/almost ok with the whole thing he would contact me. And those were the times I’d fall right back into the rut, repeating the same mistakes, feeling the same crappy feelings but one day it just seemed to click. I honestly don’t know what it was but it happened. Clearly I still think about him but not the same way anymore. That painful longing is mostly gone. Time truly heals. I’m not 100%. I still read this blog and it helps remind me but one day I will get there and so will you. Hang in there, expect that you may lapse, accept it, be as strong as you can, but be assured it will come. My thoughts are with you.

    • Laura

      Pancake, please please dont apologise! You are only human and I am sending so much love to you. I also contacted my MM. I invited him round last Thursday…I knew as soon as he had gone that I shouldn’t of done it but I was smiling and happy. Come the weekend I went shopping with my youngest, and of all the people to bump in to, it was my MM…..with his wife and kids. The way he blanked me, as if I was nothing was horrid. To see them together all happy when he fed me the lies of their marriage being shit and he didn’t know why he was with her?? I just walked past with my head held high. Sunday night I broke down, I emailed him and told him it was over, I shouldn’t have to feel all this while he has a happy life. He agreed to not contact me and he was sorry, no hard feelings, wished the situation was different blah blah. I called in sick for work so I could have a few days to compose myself, and spent the last 3 days crying. Then I get an email from him, saying he knew he shouldn’t contact me but he was concerned for my wellbeing as he hadn’t seen me at work, was I ok? I could always cry on his shoulder… but why?! What gives him the right to do that. I need to get over him and he isn’t letting me. I want to hate him so much, but I can’t. I have questioned leaving my job but then me and my kids suffer and I’m not doing that to them. So I will stay till j can find something else. I have lost some respect for him for the way he treated me like I was nothing and I’m hoping I can do this, get over him. One day at a time. Xx

      • Susan

        I think they are all liars. They lie about their home situations. I think they also have still have sex with their wives as well as us. From what I have read on here – and my own personal experience – they are sex addicts. Narcissists too. They all say the EXACT same things when we try to break it off. “Well I respect your decision” or “I wish you the best”. They don’t give a shit. It’s all about using us for sex. I am convinced of that. And as for all this “oh he was my soulmate, we had such a connection, nobody has ever known me like he does”. It’s all crap. They are master manipulators. They learn what we want to hear and say it over and over again. They fill our heads full of total crap to get the sex. I have not had any contact with my MM for 3-4 months and the longer I go without talking to him the stronger I become. The more clearly I am thinking. You live in a fog when you are involved in an affair. It is like this magical fairytale that simply is not reality. I hate it for all of us. I pray for all of you every day to move on and get over them. Affairs are horrible things.

        • PeggySue

          Wow Susan, you described it *PERFECTLY*. We lived in a fog during the affair!!!! I couldn’t describe that feeling until you wrote it. I called it ‘stepping back’ or ‘opening my eyes’ but that is it….in a fog.
          I think we only can step away once we are out of that fog. I think those women whose MM ended it, are still in that fog and that’s why it’s so hard.
          This is not to say that I don’t think of my MM every day, that I don’t still wonder why he is such a coward to stay in his marriage, drive by his house (yup) etc., but I have no desire to be with him. In fact it’s the opposite, I’d like him to experience just a *FRACTION* of the pain he caused me in the past 2 years.

          • Susan

            My only real issue lately is that I am so obsessed with his wife (or soon to be ex-wife). I stalk her Twitter. I send her messages. She will block me then I start up a new account so I can see her tweets. It is sick behaviour on my part. I know that. It is unhealthy. I don’t know what I’m looking for. It’s like I want to get inside her head somehow. How did she keep him for 23 years? How did they stay married for THAT long? How many times has he cheated on her? He (of course) told me that I was the first and only affair but I do not believe that. It was WAY too easy for him. As soon as we started talking on the phone he was inviting me to go on business trips with him. Um – like why would a MM invite a single woman on a business trip? What are the sleeping arrangements? Duh. It was insinuating sex and he was totally flirting with me from the start. When I would fly to see him he would text me “Text me the room # when you get in”. Just things like that he knew just what to do. It was too easy for him. I think he is a lying ahole.

    • Susan

      Don’t feel bad about going back to him. I did the same thing many many times. I was in my affair for 16 months. I tried to end it many times. I always went back and he was there with open arms. He would tell me he was my best friend, I could trust him with anything, he would always be there for me and so on. Well that all ended when I told his wife and she left him. Atleast I think she did. I honestly do not know because he has me blocked on his phone and email now and won’t talk to me. All the “I love yous” didn’t mean a thing. It was all bs. As long as you keep yourself his secret lover he will be there and it will be hard for you to escape. They don’t leave their wives/families. And we are just sex to them. Cold hard truth. Hang in there.

  • Hayley

    Susie your story struck such a cord with me, almost made me cry. You are doing so well and this idiot isn’t worth your tears.
    I worry you being ‘exposed’ to him at work will delay you from completely moving on. I no longer work with mine and I am so glad of this, although I have recently found out he’s got a new job and will be visiting my company at some point. This fills me with dread. Do you know the first thing I did when I heard this?? I tidied my desk! How crazy is that. This is the effect these men have on us. I thought about getting my hair done, eyelashes done the whole lot but then stopped myself… and thought ‘even if I looked like Megan Fox I still wouldn’t be good enough’ so now I think sod it I am what I am. I will be polite then make my excuses to leave the office. Still dreading it though.
    No contact is a huge life saver for me. It’s been soooo hard but I no longer cry, I’ve taken the power back and remembered who I was before he returned to my life.
    In my experience my MM goes in cycles.. so please be careful that when he’s ready he will try to pull you back in. This is why disappearing forever is your best bet if you can.
    Stay strong ladies at the end of the day these men aren’t god. They are just normal smelly boring lonely misunderstood insecure idiots and we would all be wise to remember this. X

  • Susie

    I’ve been reading comments from a lot of you (I’ve read this site often in the last year or so) and I’ve been there and done that just like most of you ladies. Mine went on for about 9 months. We have known each other for many years. There was no intercourse until the very end. It happened once and never again. He was madly in love with me. It was a very deep emotional affair. He was going to leave her and he was going to take care of me and my son. We talked about where we were going to live and where my son would go to school. He wanted a family. He couldn’t imagine living his life without me. I was his best friend. I gave him a reason to live. He had thoughts of killing himself before me and I had “saved him.” The only thing that he wanted to do was make me happy. He was miserable in his marriage and she was verbally abusive and threatened to physically harm him. She controlled him and they lived a life he was embarrassed by. He asked me to wait on him when I told him that I had enough. I told him that I would wait. He moved out and in with his mom. We had sex one time after he moved out and never again. We saw each other one more time after that but there was no sex involved and he was very distant.

    I’m saying all of these things because it makes me sick to think about now. I cannot believe that I was such a fool. I cannot believe that I bought all of that nonsense hook, line and sinker. I’m not someone that is easily duped by men because I’ve been treated badly in the past and my guard is always way up. But duped I was. He got me really good. He got the best of me. He lied to me and he led me on and he told me what he wanted me to hear so that I would be there for him. I was there to listen to him whine and complain about his wife. I was there to give him the strength to get out when he could not do it on his own. He had spent the last five years of his life in misery and just couldn’t leave. However, I was there to help him do that. And what did I get out of it? Nothing at all. No, I got a ton of misery and heartbreak. I know that I deserve it. I know that what I did was wrong and I completely accept that.

    We haven’t spoke of his situation or his marriage or us or anything of that nature since February. He hasn’t told me that he loved me since February. He treats me as if I am just someone that he sees at work from time to time and nothing ever happened between us. Contact between us went from constantly, all the time to pretty much non-existent. The “I love you’s” went away. The talk of the future ended. I have no idea whatsoever what has been going on in his life since February. Not at all. I don’t know if he is still gone, if he has moved back or what. I have no idea as he has never mentioned it again. Something that he talked about all the time is no longer discussed or thought of. He still sends me emails every few days but they are meaningless. It will be one sentence that tells me to have a good day or have a good weekend. I respond back with one sentence because I don’t want him to know how badly he has destroyed me. Remember, I believed all of his lies. I thought we had a real future together after he left. We didn’t. We had nothing after he left. I’ve never brought any of it up and I stop myself from contacting him because I don’t want him to see what he has done to me. He called me the other night when he was at work and we talked about nothing of any importance. I would have had a more personal phone call with my cousin or my neighbor. I don’t know why I even pick up the phone. It guts me when he calls. I will be doing ok and then he calls and it hits me so hard all over again. I spent the evening last night crying my eyes out. What is it that bothers me so much? Is it that I was so stupid and foolish? Is it the fact that I’m right back to being lonely like I have been for the last 12 years of my life with no hope in sight for happiness? Is it the idea that this fantasy future that I constructed in my head isn’t going to happen?

    I truly loved him and I can’t stand myself because of it. I don’t want to say that I hate him but my anger is so strong towards him now. Honestly, if he called me right now and said that he was divorced and he was sorry and that he loved me more than anything and wanted a future with me; I wouldn’t go along with it. I would not have been able to say that in March or June but I can say it with great conviction now. Basically, what I am trying to say to those of you that bothered to read all of this, it does get better. The pain and the heartache lessens but it doesn’t go away. However, the strength that you have inside of you only grows. Your tolerance for nonsense lessens. Although I had no choice in my situation at all as I was never given an option, I feel stronger. I feel like I am finally in control instead of letting someone that was full of it be in control of me and my emotions. It still hurts and I feel like it will take a long, long time to heal but I’m getting there. I’m doing so much better than I was back in February and you ladies will too. I know that it doesn’t feel like it now, but it will get better. Don’t let these men steal your power. We are women and we are stronger than we think. We are stronger than they give us credit for being. We are mothers and we are nurturers and we are daughters and friends and hard-workers and we are more than what these men make us. I may spend the rest of my life alone and that’s ok. I will never spend another day wondering if I am good enough because of the way that a man pushes me to the side. I will never be on the side again. I will never be in a relationship where I am consumed by doubt all the time. Hang in there ladies.

    • Susan

      Hi Susie-Its amazing to me how all our stories are so similar. The daily CONSTANT contact…..then nothing. My affair ended last July. I told his wife. Anyway long story short I called him yesterday. It went straight to voice mail.

    • Tricia

      Susie . I read your story and I think U should tell him how he hurt U and how U feel abandon and how he broke your trust !! He hurt U bad and he deserves to know that .Don’t think U deserve what U got because he married U don’t ! We all make mistakes we are human people don’t choose who they love or care for nobody perfect . And I hope U find a wonderful man who love and adore U and your son ! Thank 4 your words of encouragement .

  • Tricia

    I feel so lost and alone I miss my M.M so much I can’t share this with any who know me because nobody know or agree with what I did. He has pulled away from me talking about he too busy working and have other issue I see why people say never get involved with married man because your not a priority just an option the bottom of his list of thing’s .So my heart couldn’t take anymore so I needed closure a Good Bye so I texted him to tell him my Feelings about everything and told him I don’t care to be sidelined or benched for another player on the team and I can’t so on like this !! And what happened I heard his voice and texts start coming in [ Oh No Baby Don’t leave I need U are Still Ok are thing’s Good between us ? And instead of say No It’s not and It’s Over !! I could do it I got weak as always and said we’re fine !! When I know Damn well we not I’m hurting inside . I know better I should have never got involved with him I knew he was married so I feel I can’t complaint about nothing U knew the deal U accepted it Crumbles !! But I wanted him so bad I never and life had a man of his caliber on his level . I try to walk away but eventually he was In my system I see him and want to run to him it’s like he as a spell on me or something ? I swear when this relationship is over In my Heart and mind. I will never get myself In this situation again but this Is my First and last Affair !!

  • Laura

    Update….Pancake & Susan… things have been different. I’ve spoken to him, and I’ve seen him (only at work as I had to pop in) Thursdays are usual our day, as we both have spare time to see each other. Well anyways all day Wednesday he didn’t contact me. Come Thursday I had messages off him, hinting he wanted to see me , blah blah… But I didn’t, I said I was busy and we just carried on messaging. This is a big step for me, as before I would of jumped at the chance of even 10 minutes with him! I’m starting to feel something else, not hate, but I’d say anger towards him. At the way he’s treated me, or maybe the way he sees me. He came on to me after I broke up with my ex. He messaged me first. He was the one who picked me up and took me places, and now he thinks he can just use me when it suits him?? I’m just an object he can use to make himself feel better. I’m guessing he loves the way i want him, the way i really do passionately kiss him and touch him. But I’m better than that, I don’t deserve to be at the bottom of his list. I haven’t cried for 2 nights now and that’s a massive step forward for me and I’m quite proud. I’ll see what Monday brings when I do see him at work, but for now I’m really hoping I’m getting some strength and self respect for myself. I don’t want to be known as the other woman, the home wrecker or whatever I’ll get called if we were caught because I can guarantee his wife would forgive him, it would be me who would be known as the bad one. You lot really have helped in a massive way, and I can’t thank you enough. Just reading what you’ve put and helping me understand things. And Susan, I’m so proud of you for being sober, I know that it can’t of been easy, but look how far you’ve come. You did that 😊.
    I’m praying these last few days are me getting stronger and realising my worth. I’m so glad I found this website. Thank you, really. X

    • Susan

      Hi Susie-Its amazing to me how all our stories are so similar. The daily CONSTANT contact…..then nothing. My affair ended last July. I told his wife. Anyway long story short I called him yesterday. It went straight to voice mail.

  • Grace

    I was friends with him first , we spoke daily for 2 years before he made his move. He used everything he learned about me and then threatened to rape me…I froze…I had been raped at 19…I truly froze. The crazy part is he was 21 yrs older than me and unable to perform.
    I called another Male friend and asked him what I had done wrong. I was wearing jeans, no make up and a hooded sweatshirt nothing sexy. My Male friend responded, your a female.
    The sick part is I continued to go back time and time again. At first I didnt know he was married. He had been married 3 times. Twice to his first wife and once to his second…except he still was married.
    Supposedly she left him…15 years separated…met him when he was 70 yrs old he’s 77 now. Sick on oxygen full time ,medication. I became his helper with pills, grocery shopping ,errands,cooking and cleaning for him. My whole family met him and accepted him.
    I’ve met his grandkids and dtr, son in law. But never with him on any holidays or occassions… he was always busy.
    He refused to divorce…fool to still think someday he would commit.
    I’m mostly mad at me for compromising everything that I believed in…for a LIE.
    My heart hurts , I cry constantly he was the person I called when something good happened and something bad happened…he was my go to person.
    I pray ,go to church and still I was chained. I listen to KLove and started to listen to scripture while driving.
    God has given me the strength to end the relationship, block his number and delete his contact.
    My heart will never be the same.
    I’m in counseling and praying that God would mend my brokenness with his healing grace.

  • Pancake

    Believe me I know the feeling of being torn. I understand everything you are saying and going through. Those wonderful text messages or words that warm your heart – In the end a text message or words will not warm your heart when you are alone in your bed. Our situations are a bit different, but in the end the pain is the same. I wish it was easier. I wish it didn’t hurt so much. It does get better. I’m living proof of that. It doesn’t mean I don’t think of him – I do. I wonder how he is, but I know in my heart and in my mind there is nothing there for me. No happy ending. Painful, yes.
    But, true. Hang in there. You deserve more. Sending out another big hug 🙂

    • Laira

      I feel a little lighter already just speaking to you, so I am grateful to you for taking the time to speak to me 😊. I know I’ll have good and bad days. I know I’ll never be with him, even though he’s promised ‘things will change, he’s waiting for the right time’ because I know there won’t ever be a right time. He won’t leave her, or the security he has with her. I just feel stupid and disgusted at myself. I’m acting all brave now, but come Monday, or even if he messages me, I’ll be back to square 1. But I have to realise , he doesn’t love me or actually want me, I’m just there when he’s bored or wants some fun. And I’m making myself seem so desperate and dirty by giving in. It’s like I’m a different person to who I actually am when I mention him or be near him. I even feel bad if I speak to another male, because it feels like IM cheating on him! How’s stupid and bizarre! Lol. I have to laugh… I’m glad you’re there Pancake x

      • Pancake

        Please don’t put yourself down. There is no need to do that. I understand why, but you are already hurting no need to kick yourself even more. Your feeling strong right now and that’s good. Yes, your feelings might change five seconds from now and that’s ok. Let them change you are human. One minute you are strong and the next you are weak. That’s how it is when your mind and body are not at peace. You are learning so much about yourself. Never realizing you had this other person inside you. Not bad. Not dirty. I can’t tell you what you mean to the person you are seeing – I can’t even say what I meant to the person I was seeing. Yes, he liked me. He said I would be in his memory forever, but more then that I don’t really know. What I do know is I feel better now then I did before. All you need to know right now is how you feel and what is good for you. If I had a magic wand I would tap you on the head and make you all better 🤗

  • Laura

    I have no idea what to do, or who to turn to. I don’t want to tell anyone I know because I’m disgusted in myself for falling for a married man. I have to see him near enough every day at work and it kills me. I literally crave him. I know this is wrong and I want to get over him, and when i try I either end up seeing him or he messages me. I’ve cried myself to sleep so many times and I don’t know how to go about it. I remember feeling like this with my ex about 6 years ago, and I always promised I would never fall in love again because it hurts too much. Since then I’ve been so strong, never let another man walk all over me, treat me like dirt, I’ve been so independent but then this happens and I have no respect for myself no more. I don’t like being weak and in this situation. I just need to get this off my chest. I need to feel like me again. I need to know it gets better…

    • Pancake

      It does get better. I won’t lie it is not easy, but it is possible and you can do it. You are not going to want to do this, but you have to end all contact. It is the only way. I felt like I couldn’t even breathe when I first cut out all contact. Like I was going to die, but I didn’t. It was so hard, but I felt a huge relief. No more lying. No more secrets. No more feeling guilty. I did not think I could do it. I did not think I was strong enough. I did do it and I was strong enough. I believe in you and I believe you can do it too. Hang in there. Stop settling for nothing. That is what you are getting nothing but heartache from this situation. With him or without him you are hurting. It is time to take care of you and get yourself healthy and happy. Sending a big hug to you 🙂

      • Laura

        I’m stuck between wanting to end things and wanting to see him. When we cut contact before I did feel relief… then he asked if we could email so I caved in :-(. I’ve tried so many times to not message him back or to cut all this off, but either I email/message him or I wake up seeing a message off him. 1 minute he wants me, then the next it’s like I don’t exist. I hate the lied and secrets. I can’t be upset because then people will ask so I have to wait till my kids are in bed and then I don’t stop crying. I need to put myself first, I know this. I just need to be strong enough to finally have my say with him and tell him I can’t be someone’s secret no more. The k you for the hug, that made me smile :-). X

    • Susan

      Laura-I felt the same way. I was addicted to mine. He was like a drug. Every morning he texted me at 7:30am. And we would text all day. Then he would call me on his drive home from work. I got to talk to him about 20-3] minutes. THEN we would email at night until I went to bed at 9pm. That was my life for 16 months. I saw him at least once a month (he lives in another state) and we made love like animals. 3-4 times in a span of 2 days. I know how you feel. It does get easier. Mine cut me off after I told his wife so I had no choice but to get over him. I still send him texts every now and then but he never responds. I’ve not heard from him in 3 months. We “broke up” last July.

      • Laura

        Susan, This sounds exactly like ‘us’ .. his wife found out he was messaging someone so we cut all contact, then he messages me and asks for my email. So we carry on talking, and end up meeting again and then I’m back to square one.one minute he’s telling me he needs me and he can’t stop thinking of me, to the point he’s sneaking out just so we can have 5 mins together, doing nothing. And then yesterday he stayed late at work to see me but I’d already gone. I told him I had feelings for him last night, and I’ve heard nothing since. How can I want someone who isn’t even mine? He was the one who came after me, so why does he think he can leave me waiting till it suits him.and like the idiot, I let him. I’m not going in to work now till Monday because it’s just too hard and I need to get all this anger and upset out of me. Sorry for all this, but it’s weighing me down. I need to be strong and think of myself but I’m afraid as soon as he’s messages I’ll be there… How are you now? Is it any better? X

        • Susan

          Hi Laura – Is it any better? Some days yes, most days no. We “broke up” last July officially when I told his wife. Everything stopped. No more texts. No more phone calls. I assume because she now knew and was watching the bills. We still emailed. I told him I would not talk to her again. But I was drinking at the time (I am an alcoholic – 3 months sober right now). And I would get drunk and hurt for him and miss him – then get angry – and send her messages. Telling her everything about all our trips together. He took me to San Francisco last April. I told her about that and how I had gone on other business trips with him too. He finally totally stopped talking to me about 3 1/2 months ago. Said he hated my guts. And I think they are divorcing. I loved him when I was in high school – we dated then. He is hot. Very hot, very good looking, great body, etc. I was obsessed with him. When the affair started up I couldn’t believe how “lucky” I was he wanted me again. I stayed that way throughout the affair and sadly sometimes still think that way. I wish I could have had him for my own. Then reality sinks in. He was using me for my adoration for him. The more I pushed for answers…….are you going to get a divorce? are we going to be together? the more he pulled away and got “scared”. Scared his perfect little Christian life would be upset. He was fine just living a double life. Having me on the side for sex, texting, and emails. The occassional phone call, etc. And then living his life with his family. Rich vacations, running a Christian baseball academy where he was looked up to because he played minor league baseball. He was fine with it. I wasn’t. I loved him. I wanted him to be just with me. I wanted us to be a real couple. It still hurts. I immediately got back with my boyfriend Jay last August. I ran back to Jay. And he helps me deal with things. He knows I still have feelings I’m dealing with. What do I do? There is no going back. I ruined all my chances of keeping myself in the affair. I did that on purpose. I was so miserable in the affair. I was so lonely. I was dying inside. So I chose to tell his wife – knowing that would end our affair. And it did. He won’t talk to me anymore. The affair cost us both alot. It cost him his marriage, his lifestyle, his kid’s respect probably. And for me – I lost him. Even though I never had all of him – I atleast had some of him. I was skinny when I was in the affair. I gained 60 pounds since we broke up. I was so high on our relationship when we were together – I never ate, worked out, etc. He would praise me for my “hard work”. And he enjoyed the benefits of my skinny sexy body. He would never look twice at me now. My boyfriend Jay loves me fat or skinny. My MM was very superficial – very much in to “looks” – always sending me pics of himself working out, etc. And lots of nudes too. I threatened to bust him with those – to show his wife. I never did. It got ugly during the break up. I was hurt and angry. And I have rambled on long enough. It does get easier but I will always have a “thing” for him. I hate it too. I wish I could hate him. I wish I could get over him. I don’t think about him as much anymore. Mainly because he won’t talk to me. I have been forced to get over it.

          • Tricia

            Susan. I read your story too and I feel your pain it’s sound like U and your friend had a intense relationship ? And I know U miss him and U wish thing’s could be different or better between U 2 .We always hurt the who we love sometimes ? Please forgive yourself for telling his wife and hurting him . We all are work in progress I hope U fined that inner peace and happiness !! Good Luck with your sobriety .

  • Hayley

    After 2 months of moving on and feeling myself again I learnt 3 days ago that he’s taken a new job which will result in him visiting my company regularly. This resulted in a 4am panic attack!! I’m going to have to smile and be polite.. the thought of seeing him again!!!! I feel I can never escape this man and I think he will take great pleasure coming into my work place.. another glimpse into my life! I feel I will never be free.. I almost want to quit my job but I won’t find another job that fits my life style at the moment.
    God.. I hate this!!! I actually hate him!!!

  • The Thinking Other Woman

    What I learned about loving a married man goes a little deeper than simply slapping myself on the hand and saying, “It’s bad. Don’t do it.” I learned a lot from, believe it or not, astrology. What I learned from that, and what I learned from books about the ACoA, books by Susan Forward, books about BPD (which my mother has), and books about relationships alerted me to the fact that the three of us came together (in a somewhat acrimonious and some would say disastrous way) to heal something in our lives and, more importantly, to learn what exactly that was.

    Sometimes you have to dig more deeply before you can let go, because until you learn the lesson you were meant to learn, you’re going to keep getting more and more of the same thing in your life.

  • Sophie

    I’m glad I’m not the only one going through this. I feel so angry and guilty with myself because this goes against everything i believe in. I was dating a married man for like 8 months and recently ended it like a month ago. I used to work for my dad fixing car interiors for different dealerships. I worked at this dealership that he apparently worked at, but i had no idea of his existence. That was the first time he laid eyes on me. I then stopped working for my dad and started working at an actual dealership doing paperwork. 2 months into working there he started working there as well. I didn’t really think much of him at first. We started to have a conversation and that’s when confessed to me that he had seen me before working at the other dealership. As time went on, we got to know each other and i slowly started to fall for him. He had everything i was looking for in a man. At the time i was in a relationship that i was not happy in. I would talk about my problems with him and he obviously gave me the comfort that i was looking for. He never mentioned his wife he would talk to me about her like if she was just his girlfriend. She was living in another state with their kid. He told me that they were open into having open relationships with other people. I found that crazy and weird but i shrugged it off because people tend to have a different perspectives on relationships. My biggest mistake was to give in to that. That’s not what i believe in. Anyways, he obtained my number by tricking me into it. He told me he had lost his phone if i could please call it. I didn’t really think much so i did. Come to find out he had his phone in his damn pocket the whole time. (Slick MF) He called me every night and we talked until morning. We talked about his past, my past and life in general. The guy has been through some messed up stuff. I think that was one of the reasons why my feelings grew stronger for him. We both shared a painful past, it was easy for us to understand each other. He asked me out one night on a date and then turned to multiple dates. Our connection was so intense that it got to the point where i couldn’t stop myself from wanting to be his. He woke this feeling in me that i have never felt for anyone else. The first time we became intimate, it was like our souls have known each other for a very long time and were dying to get back together. It was perfect. I felt horrible for cheating on my boyfriend at the time. I knew that i had to end things with him. So i did. I wasen’t happy with him and it wasent fair. I continued this crazy adventure with this man but things started to crumble little by little. A lot of mixed signals. A lot of back and forth. A lot of on and off. He told me that he was going to end things with her once his case was closed in court. He told me that he was with her because he wanted to spend as much as he could with his kids before anything happens. My stupid self believed him. He then tells me that they were getting divorced, and then a week later he tells me that they are not. I got fed up with it and ended it. He came into my office crying apologizing for everything and that he didn’t want to loose me. He had fallen in love with me. I fell for the trap again for things to just continue going back and forth. On and off. I just couldnt let him go. It got to a point where he told me that once everything was over with he was going to come find me…… yeah ok. I could go on and on about all the BS this relationship put me through but it all terminated.The last things he said to me were he was done having to explain his motives of things when he already explained sh*t to me a million times.That he was tired of me calling him a liar and making him feel like sh*t. He told me ” One day sh*t will all make sense”. Its been really freaking difficult for me. Maybe i do deserve all of this for first cheating on my ex boyfriend and for also getting with a married man. I do have to say I still love this man so much and its going to be very difficult for me to move on. I really feel like hes my soulmate.

    • Tricia

      Sophie. I’m so sorry your going thru all of this but dealing with a married man have a certain amount of drama and Heartache .I see married man like a beautiful box wrap nice with a fancy ribbon around it and once U decide to unwrap the beautiful box and open it up U never know what U uncover ! Married Man I believe look for Vulnerable women who are emotional loved Starved or In Toxic Relationship already because we are easy prey for the picking .That why we that give us all that attention and chase us down we know it’s wrong but we fall hard for them especially when we are intimate with them It’s hard being a single woman now a days. But I do know what your feeling. I do miss my M.M too I feel he is pulling away from me and probably seeing another woman I hate to think that I hope maybe he just trying to do the right thing a home with wifey ? He is a middle aged man so I do know I’m not the first and won’t be the last . I to question myself and my morals he is like a drug to me when I have him I’m High on love and as soon as he leave I’m lost and alone . We did I start settling for crumbles ? I to feel foolish I was one of those women judging other women who dated Married Men I couldn’t understand it ? I do now I guess it’s just where U at in life ? I should be be happy he put distant between us I’m not . I do hope U find some inner peace and everything work out for U .

  • Abigail

    I have been having an affair for 18 months with a married man. I am also married, both of us considered ourselves quite happily married before all this started. I have seldom had such a connection with anyone, it was a very special thing we had going, but neither of us were able to allow things to develop. We both knew we were falling for each other but both tried to put on the brakes as the guilt and fear was overwhelming. We rarely spent the night together – once in the last year – and only occasionally met in the daytime in pubs. But the contact was constant, from morning till night, every single day for 18 months. He was a close friend as much as a lover, an important part of my daily life. He taught me loads. Did a lot for my confidence, changed my life, made me so happy. We ended it a few times, sometimes him, sometimes me, and we’d always get back in touch. Anyway over the weekend for various separate reasons we both came to the conclusion it mustn’t continue for the sake of our families and we ended it, almost simultaneously, in writing. Lots of I love yous later, I am floored by the prospect I’ll never see him again. We are both devastated. I am comforted by the comments below. I hope the recovery isn’t as long as the time we were together, they say that don’t they. I am relieved it’s over because of the deceit and guilt and fear of discovery and I want to focus on my poor innocent husband who knows nothing about all this, who treats me well and adores me (I don’t deserve him) but I am very scared my feelings towards him have changed fundamentally because of my affair. There were issues between us anyway which led to the affair taking place but we have done a lot of work on our relationship and I really need to devote myself to repairing my marriage. I am caught in a trap between what I WANT to do and what I SHOULD do here. He’s not available though, so the want part is irrelevant. I just hope my feelings return and I can forget this very special man. He made me feel like nobody ever has, he is an extremely hard act to follow. But he’s not mine. And he never will be. Any advice appreciated. I don’t expect any sympathy, this is all my own doing and I went into it repeatedly with my eyes wide open. It was never going to end well.

    • Susan

      Abigail-Be thankful it DID end well. Alot of affairs dont. Mine ended with me telling his wife, him getting divorced and now he hates me. I still think about him. He was identical to what you described. Was my whole life for 16 months. Now he wont talk to me. The feelings do fade with time.

  • Tricia Hetherington

    I’m new to this I read alot of comments of women and it do help .So here’s my story my Married Man I adore him it’s wrong I know it . The problem is he is the Manager of my building he have total Access to me he can come in my apartment anytime he feel like it and don’t have the money to move .He never talk bad about his wife which I respect he as 2 children .We been off and on for 6 yrs I care for him so much and I’m weak and cannot ignore him long he is not mean to me nor disrespectful to me but he do go dark from time to time .I know I’m not the first Mistress when we are together I’m so happy and as soon as he leave I feel used and lost and alone . When we are in no N/C zone it don’t last long when I go pay my rent he flirts with me all time and I don’t like it because I don’t want people to know my business .I miss him and wish I was his first choice I never thought I would be with a M.M but life happens My problem is how do U let go ? Why do I want a man who don’t want me the way I want him I tried to get another man didn’t work ! I feel lonely and feel like I’m waiting to eat crumbs from his wife plate ! I knew he was married he wore me down he was there for me when my father died and sister . And I need a friend we have not been intimate for about 2 months ! I was thinking maybe because the wife or maybe he got somebody else ? I’m driving myself crazy ! Just need somebody to talk to !