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5 Ways to Overcome Your Obsession With a Married Man

The affair is over. He’s a married man, and you know you need to move on. The problem is you don’t know how. You still love him and you can’t stop thinking about him. You know you should walk away because he’s cheating on his wife. He’s a married man and you have to let go…but your heart wants him back.

“I have to keep reminding myself of how many lies I have told over the years,” says Anonymous on How to Break Up With a Married Man. “I have been lying to everyone who is most important to me for 5 years. I’ve been sneaking around with this married man, ignoring my own husband who loves me more than anyone in this world. I have taken my husband for granted and I am finally realizing that. I find myself wanting to talk to my husband more and be excited about becoming parents (I’m five months pregnant). I decided to end my affair with the married man and still feel like I’m on a roller coaster. I know I’ll have some good moments and bad moments, but hopefully as time passes I’ll have more good. I really do want to end this affair and because it makes me sick that I was involved with a married man for so long. I’m just looking for strength to let go and get through the next few hours, days, and weeks until I stop thinking about him.”


You’re not alone if you’re searching for suggestions on how to let go of a married man you still love. I’ve written several articles about infidelity, and the most popular ones are about letting go after an affair. After you read my tips on letting go of a married man, scroll through the comments section. You’ll see you’re not alone. You’ll see how destructive and unhealthy it is to stay stuck in the affair…and you may even find strength and courage to let go of a married man who will never love you the way you want to be loved.

In this article you’ll find a list of reasons affairs are destructive and toxic, plus several tips on how to get over a married man and heal your heart. It’s important to focus on why you have to let him go and what you have to look forward to. Even more important is to renew your relationship with God, rebuild your spiritual self-identity, and come back to your healthy, whole self.

Reasons to Stop Cheating With a Married Man

You already have your own reasons to stop dating a married man, but this list may help you see how toxic an affair is. Accepting a breakup you didn’t want is easier when you focus on why the relationship ended.

Affairs with married men are never headed anywhere good.

  • Adultery is destructive, immoral, and painful
  • A married man won’t commit to a future with you
  • You can’t trust a married man who cheats on his wife
  • You can’t talk about dating married men with your friends and family, so you won’t get much support
  • A married man doesn’t respect the woman he’s cheating with
  • You’ll waste your life waiting for him to make a decision – and the chances he’ll decide to commit to you are slim
  • A married man is living with guilt and shame, which will eventually affect your relationship
  • Good, kind, loving men don’t cheat on their wives
  • Cheating damages families and destroys lives
How to Get Over a Love Affair With a Married Man Blossom Tips
Getting Over a Love Affair With a Married Man

What is your reason for searching for advice about how to let go of a married man? Make it as concrete and real as possible. This will help you stay away from him and focus on your future.

Remember that married men who cheat are liars. You see the good part of this married man, but he would cheat on you, too. Married men don’t truly respect or love the women they’re cheating with (their affair partners). No matter what they say, married men don’t respect women who let themselves be used.

It may be easier to let go if you learn how the married man’s wife feels. Read When Your Husband Still Works With His Ex Affair Partner.

5 Ways to Stop Being Obsessed With a Married Man

I’ve written several articles with practical tips on breaking up and healing after broken hearts. In this article, I want to focus on the power of love to help you move forward in your life. This may seem ironic because you think you’re losing love…but actually, the end of this affair can actually be the start of a whole new life of freedom, peace, and joy for you!

1. Focus on finding freedom to break the chains of the affair

Instead of allowing your heart and emotions to dictate your choices, choose to let go of a man who is married and end the affair. Yes, it’ll hurt. Yes, you’ll think about him all the time. But you can be free from the chains holding you to a man who isn’t good for you.


I know it’s easier said than done. Your head knows the right thing to do, but your heart won’t let you move forward. It’s especially difficult to let go of a married man when you don’t feel good enough to be loved by someone else. It’s also hard to let go when you don’t believe you could love another man the same way.

The chains holding you in this relationship are strong. You have to find something stronger, bigger, and more powerful than yourself. You can’t stop loving this married man by willpower or choice alone. You’re too weak and the temptation is too strong. The only way to let go from a relationship you know is unhealthy and destructive is to find spiritual strength. God created you, loves you, and wants you to be your happiest, healthiest self. He wants you to be grounded and centered in His will for your life…and God’s love doesn’t leave room for an affair with a married man.

2. Look at the obstacles in your way

What is holding you back from letting go of a married man who isn’t good for you? Maybe you invested time, emotional energy, or even money in the affair. Maybe you hope he’ll leave his wife and marry you. Maybe breaking up with a married man means you’ll be alone…and you’re scared or unhappy without a relationship.

Maybe you love him.

Becoming clear on your reasons for having the affair – and breaking it off – will help you find freedom. Why are you searching for tips on how to let go of a married man? Search your heart and soul to learn the truth about why you slept with another woman’s husband. What is holding you back from a truly healthy love relationship?

3. Decide that this affair is over

Here’s my favorite comment from a reader in response to Why Your Husband Cheated: A Marriage Style That “Allows” Affairs:

“You have to make up your mind to break up and let go of the married man…It’s hard for me to believe that there are other men who are willing to love me even more but there are. If you do not let go of what’s bad for you, then you’re not making yourself available for a good man. I’d rather be in a relationship with someone I like than in a relationship with a married man I love who can’t make me his priority. THIS ISN’T HAPPINESS. We deserve more. And it starts within ourselves. His wife doesn’t deserve this, either.

4. Start recreating your life

Part of learning how to let go of a married man is to rebuild and recreate your life. Find ways to incorporate new perspectives, new attitudes, new priorities, and new values into your actions and thoughts. For example, one of your new attitudes might be acceptance – because you know that resisting this breakup change will prevent you from learning how to live happily without him.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • What is one small change I can make that will help me grieve and heal?
  • Who or what is holding me back from letting go of this married man?
  • How long do I think it’ll take to let go and be free?
  • What have I sacrificed in order to have this affair?
  • What will I gain by letting go of a married man?

Write down your answers to each question; writing will help you start thinking about your future. Don’t overanalyze or overthink your answers. Try not to focus on the affair or what it feels like to let go of a married man. Be willing not to have all the answers, or know how you will live without him. Asking and answering these questions will get good, positive energy moving in your heart and spirit. The

5. Let go of this married man so you can be free

Breaking up and letting go takes time, but it will happen. You will get through this — and you won’t always feel heartbroken and sad!

Letting Go of a Relationship You Want to Keep

In How to Let Go of Someone You Love I share stories about grieving and healing from a breakup or loss from me and a few “She Blossoms” readers. Our experiences with love and loss will comfort and encourage you.

I share 25 Blossom Tips, each paired with a practical “how to.” Every tip highlights a different part of who you are—spirit, heart, soul, body, and brain. This holistic approach will help you move forward in different ways, according to your personality, mood, energy level and lifestyle.

If you want to share your story, feel free to comment below. You may find the other readers’ comments helpful; your response is welcome. Even if you don’t find the answers you need to let go of the married man you’re in love with, you’ll see you’re not alone. Letting go of this affair is the healthiest thing you could do — especially if it brings you back to yourself…and maybe even renews your relationship with God.

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1,827 thoughts on “5 Ways to Overcome Your Obsession With a Married Man”

  1. @Allison-it doesn’t sound stupid at all! Be proud of the small victories because in the end it leads to a better quality of life. Like you said-we become consumed by them and over analyze everything. It’s so bad for our mental and physical health. I became so sick for months with mono and being a single mom of 2 little ones I could barely take care of myself. I firmly believe it was from the stress of going through a divorce and then getting myself involved with a mm for 2 years. Never again!

    I’m 2 months NC and yes there are times I miss him but my anxiety has gone down so much and I am more focused on myself and my kids. So yes-celebrate the baby steps! I thought the same thing the other day because he used to be the first thing I would think about in the morning and now I don’t. Hopefully one day we can go days/weeks without them popping in our minds 😊

  2. Allison thanks for your response. About my job – I’ve worked extremely hard to get where I am, have a really rare job with lots of people who rely on me to be in this position, I get paid really well and I’m a single mom so I need my job. I’m not giving up what has taken me 20 years to build up. So no leaving is not something I can or will do. He on the other hand easily could. I actually think he only stays to be in the same building. I’ve made this stupid mess and will likely need to suffer the end of it that I initiate. That’s what I get I guess for being a dumb*ss. I’m sitting with thoughts these days about trust. Do I trust him? Really? No way. I see first hand the deep deception he is capable of. So would I want that permanently in my life? I’d have to be insane to say yes. But I think we get so wrapped up in them and the focus on the relationship turning out that we put total blinders on. We ignore the red flags from day one….

  3. Findingmyway, your situation sounds very similar to how mine was. We were also coworkers and spent every weekday and many evenings together – he became the biggest part of my life. He was all I thought about, and the only person I wanted to see and talk to. I lost interest in everything and everyone else. It was all consuming. It was only once I left that job that we started slowly drifting apart, and now I’ve recently gone NC because I honestly couldn’t take the pain and rejection anymore. Is there absolutely no way you can change job? Like you, I knew I had to extricate myself from the situation – but I wasn’t strong enough to do that whilst seeing him every day. He used to tell me he was serious about leaving, but then gradually “realized” that the financial burden was too much. Which never made sense to me – if you truly love someone, you make it work. Even if that means things are tight for a few years. He has a good job, it’s not like he’s struggling. I would’ve sacrificed anything for him. Surprise surprise, years later and he’s still very much with her. I don’t believe he will ever leave.

    Men really are good at compartmentalizing. Wish I was. It’s taking me a shamefully long time, but for the first time a couple of days ago it had got to around midday before he even crossed my mind. Tiny steps I know, and probably sounds stupid.. but to me it was a mini victory.

  4. Hayley, you are so right!!! they are not worth it!! I WOULD NEVER WANT MY MM AS MY HUSBAND!!! sometimes I look at the wife and think at times, Do you not see it? Do you not feel it? Your intuition isn’t telling you anything?

  5. Tricia,
    It is hard for me to believe it you are so right and sometimes I do think Think he has gotta he cruel to be kind because he can’t do it and we would just keep coming back to the same old reality/cycle starts over. And I was angry at my mm at the end and made some mistakes with him in the end because of that anger & hurt and I know he does not want to face it. Anyway I am sorry you were hurting yesterday girl and hope today is a better day. Hugs

  6. Thank you guys. With NC comes good days and bad days I’m starting to believe he may actually have replaced me already with some new supply and whilst I felt so upset about it the other day today I feel totally different. I think he may be a classic narcissist & I feel sorry for anyone who crosses his path cause if it’s true she will only end up down the same road as me and I would rather someone else be the result of his marriage ending rather than it be me. He said there was only me and would only ever be me and I believed him. Either way I do now wonder if I was on some kind of rotation and when this source of supply runs dry he circles back, it would make sense him yo yoing in and out of my life. I hope to god I have learnt my lesson this time around though as one thing I do know is if it’s true then he never loved me and I want a man who does.
    Stay strong ladies they really aren’t worth it and thank god he’s not my husband. 46 days whoop!

  7. Anna . When I broke NC first I texted him Friday and Saturday he replied back ( Damn Really ?) So read what you want in that I got pissed and delete everything. But I wanted body language and to see his face so I went to his office he sat there smiling from ear to ear ( like what ? ) I don’t think he really took me seriously or cared ? I was going to bare my soul but he wasn’t alone which was probably good because honestly I think I would have went back to being the crumb eater and waiting for my turn again. You told Bells Paws truth no expectations and your feelings my get hurt . But really my Ex Mm was good to me we never argued we laugh all the time had good times he was my rock and my soft spot but he didn’t know how to leave maybe he thought he was sparing my feeling ? I don’t know ? I told him he was a coward and ghosting is for kids who can’t find the proper words to end the relationship. Anna your married man was a true romantic loves notes most men don’t do .I believe in a letter since you take the time to write them you bare your soul more because chances are you never say those things in person or over the phone . I’m saying your married man most of had some genuine true feeling for you I know it’s hard to believe that because the way it ended but there’s a little truth in every lie . .

  8. Yes, Anna that is my biggest fear too- that his response will be cold and indifferent. I really wouldn’t be able to bear that. I am not going to send my letter or any letter ever, I have decided. I will cut my hands off before I contact him. What you said has helped me too, Anna: no response is a response that speaks volumes to me and pretty much tells me everything I need to know. My MM was also a master at expression and the use of language , he was always able to offer just the right words at just the right time, that never failed to hit the spot every time. When words could have been so meaningful and powerful and he could have salvaged and soothed the pain so easily with a few carefully chosen words that he was so good at, they didn’t come. This was partly why I hoped and very slightly expected that he’d reach out: he knew I was hurting and, if he cared, he and only he could have written words to soothe, not to rekindle or drag me back into things, but simply to understand and show he cared. He choose not to and that tells me a lot.

    Tricia, you poor thing, we want so badly to be able to turn to them when we are down, when we are up too, just to have them there and share our life with them. Instead its a cold vacuum .

    Kat, it IS horrible. There is no way around it, you just have to ride it out.

  9. This might be an overgeneralization but men are excellent at compartmentalizing. Women are horrible at it. That is why we struggle and they seemingly handle it pretty well. Just a comment related to the many many posts on here about how unbelievable it is to many that they can go on for so long and do nothing. I have another comment or maybe a request for advice. I’m really really struggling to extricate myself. He swears and always has from the very first few months this started he was serious and going to leave. He has never said otherwise. He has done some things positive and negative in that direction. I’m just so so torn. I just can’t leave but I just can’t stay. We work together and are very much a part of each other’s day and many evenings but never weekends or holidays unless opportunity arises. It’s a mess. I’ve gotten myself into a huge stupid mess. I can’t leave my job either. I’ve tried to distance myself. Even set up an online profile with the intention of trying to meet other men. But I always chicken out. Fundamentally I can’t move on until I’ve ended this. I guess I need to set my own deadline and stick to it. Every time we talk he is adament his plans remain the same…. But something always gets in the way. These things though have been really huge life altering events so I feel like adding a divorce into the mix at that time would have been impossible. But I can’t continue this way. What the heck am I going to do.

  10. Tricia I’m sorry your feeling this way. I understand when you say you feel like you need him for support right now. I have been there. When I feel like that I cry it out and tell myself the feelings with subside they won’t last forever. I also understand your feelings in your comment to bells paws. I felt like my mm threw me away like trash too and was ghosted and feel completely hurt to. They are the ones with the issues not us. We have done nothing wrong but love them for in return to be treated like trash. I can’t stand the rejection either it hurts. I hope you start to feel better.

  11. Tricia,
    What happened when you broke NC and saw your mm face to face?
    I’ve had fantasies of going to my mm office but my dignity don’t let me and I’m also scared of how he might react and I don’t know if I could face that.
    As far as writing, you know, my mm fancied himself a writer and wrote me many letters while we were together. You would think he would be the one to write me now. But he hasn’t.
    Bells Paws, if writing him is cathartic for you then do it.. just don’t attach any expectation to it bc then it will be like a new hurt if he doesn’t reply.
    Hugs

  12. Hello ladies . I’m feeling really down today I’m going thru so much personal stuff . Just when I’m feeing better after 9 months the affair ending I feel like I need him right for moral support he was always there when I had hard times I feel so alone now his office is not far I’m fighting this hard ! I wish he was here needing a friend .

  13. Bells paw . I did reach out after 5 months NC ! I try not do it did just like you wrote letters and never send them but what I really wanted to do is talk to him face to face but I knew he wouldn’t give me that opportunity. And my heart was in so much pain I didn’t care about him knowing I wanted him to know just how much he has hurt me and he was wrong for ghosting me when he couldn’t been honest . Yes the truth it was over or whatever would hurt me but what killed me is the rejection I felt and feeling like old trash . No it didn’t change nothing but at least he knew what he done to me . I think really there’s nothing with telling them because if the shoe was on the other foot he’ll tell you in a NY minute !! Hugs ladies !

  14. Hi ladies it’s been 14 days of NC and I still feel horrible. I have reached out but he won’t respond to me which hurts really bad. I should really just block or delete him. Like anonymous said why do they get to live there best lives with there wives or with other women. While we are left with hurt and turmoil. That’s how I feel too. I definitely should not look back and keep moving and try to live my best life too. I hope everyone is doing good. Here is my email if anyone wants to talk. californiadreamin1123@gmail.com

  15. Hi Ladies!!!hows everyone doing…hope all is well…hayley do not feel bad at all…Im still curious to see what the wife post on facebook…but I refuse to re-add her…I just wanna be at peace…

    Also, I do believe some of the married men do love us…mine in particular, I think he actually does, because it took
    him a couple years to say it….but at the end of the day, these men are married…Im done with mine btw…Im just tired of it all…why does he get to live his best life with his wife…while Im going through emotional turmoil on the inside?!?! time for me to live my best life, and Love myself to the moon and back…instead of loving a MM that much…he doesnt deserve my love or his wife’s love…deceiving us both…

    anyway…Happy Sunday!!! much love to you all!!

  16. Hi Saz,
    We can’t get into our mm heads so it is impossible to know if they truly loved us or not. I have spent countless hours replaying and ruminating over everything he said and did to me trying to figure it out and I’m tired. At some point you have to accept that no response is a response. Actions speak volumes. Maybe he did really love me in his own way, or love how I loved him & made him feel. But he seemed to be able to move on quite easily. For me personally i am trying to surrender to the idea that it’s over which means accepting any possible outcome (including that he may not have truly loved me) rather than to keep holding on tightly. If I am wrong then time will tell.

  17. What many of us on this site seem to have struggled with, and which seems to only compound all the other hurts and grievances, is the ending: no answers, complete cut off, no feelings from the MM. They smoothly move on, unhurt and without looking back. We are the ones left with all the pain and feelings. I certainly have struggled with this greatly and its one thing that has made it so hard for me to move on- there is no closure or resolution, no chance to air thoughts and feelings and so many unanswered questions.

    This is another way these MM control us and the situation- at the end they deny us the chance of self expression and to hold them to account for their actions and the consequences of their actions. I have written so many letters since NC to my MM, spent hours and hours editing and ‘perfecting’ them to say exactly what I want to say to him and how to say it and there is so much I want to say. Of course, I’ve never sent them. But I’m now wondering whether it might do us good to send one post ending letter, to let them know what we have to say. I don’t intend to attack him at all, and I know nothing will come of it- I probably still won’t get any answers or relief but it may be satisfying and empowering just to have the chance on my terms to say what I want to say; to let him know he has taken my love and hurt me etc. Part of me wants to maintain my pride and dignity and I think this may be better done by not letting him know how much he hurt me and a letter now, after 3months NC, will show him that I’ve not moved on, but part of me thinks a letter might be cathartic. I was wondering what are people’s thought on this?

  18. I agree totally with Saz, I believe based on the years of time I spent with my MM the things he did for me, the ways he was there for me through many of my crisis, emergencies, ect that he does love me, but in a sense its totally irrelevant for many reasons, first of all, he is MARRIED, and his first allegiance is to his wife. It does not matter how unhappy he is with her, how much he may no longer be attracted to her, how much her conduct bothers him, none of that matters, he is not going to leave her and he is going to try to get her NOT to leave, and that is seperate from how they may or may not feel about us. For many of these mm they simply have too much to lose and its not just financial issues although that plays a part, its their reputation with their families especially their children and grandchildren if there are grandchildren, its extended family, its long term friends, its business associates, if they are apart of a church its the seperation of the church, its really very difficult and I am not excusing them at all, I am just stating the facts, many of them realize that they will be totally ostrazised and a pariah so while they may care or even love us, they dont love us enough to give up their entire life, so this is why only 4-5 percent actually leave and my gut instinct is that many would have left anyway even if they were not involved in another relationship, we know for a fact that they arent leaving for us. So, with all that said, it would seem that we hav two choices, deal with being a mistress and side chick where we get the crumbs of their life or move on and learn to build a relationship with God who can fill that void and/or develop through therapy self esteem and confidence so we know that we do deserve better than THIS and begin to slowly look for an available single man who can really care for us and love us the way we should be loved.

  19. Hey ladies,

    I’ve been reading your comments on here regarding the MM never loving us. I honestly think every situation is different. Some of the stories i’ve read, it does sound like the MM did really care about you but was too cowardly to leave the wife. Others I agree, the MM was just using us. For example, at first i used to work with my MM so saw him everyday but after leaving work I only ever heard from him once a week, sometimes not even that. When he would get in touch, it would be to arrange for us to meet. If he really cared about me, he would want to speak to me often right? It’s obviously all about sex for him.

    So yeah I guess some of them do actually fall in love and sadly some are just using us. The outcome however will always be the same – they will never leave their wives.

  20. Hi Bells Paw. Well said and all so true and really sad and I’m using Anna words very tragic in the end. My Ex Mm did reach out but I realize there was no sense in going back for what to start the cycle all over again ? It’s been 9 months of NC and 5 months since I last saw him it was good to see him again but I looked at him smiling all at me and said to myself { this is the same man who left me without a word after he told me repeatedly that we’re all good and I have nothing to worry about } I can’t trust him anymore. I hope Bells that you find some peace and happiness and recover from all this . Hugs ladies.

  21. Bells Paws,
    It’s okay and I think you are very correct in your conclusions. I have also come to the same conclusions and it is helping me to move forward. I am convinced that reframing the way we perceive these men is a big step in healing. We have to visualize them as such when the inevitable thoughts come. They are not the romantic lovers we thought we knew and their words were fake. They simply do not care about us – if they did they’d prove it.

  22. Bell Paws

    Of course I know: he has never reached out and I believe he never will.

    I love your past post! They are soothing and assuring (that letting go and NC are the best decisions). We learnt the brutal truth through time and distance.

    It’s been 6 months of NC.

    I’m still thinking of the affair everyday.

    Enough is enough, why are we ill treating ourselves? They have cut us off and moved on. How do I get rid of the sadness and heartache…

  23. Hi ladies so I had a video chat appointment today with a psychiatrist I told him how I have had a background already of anxiety and depression and I told him about my mm and he said I have anxiety and depression with atypical symptoms of rejection and he thinks I would benefit from psychodynamic therapy where I can talk more about my issues with my mm and moving on. Hayley it’s ok I still check around on my mm too I think it’s normal. When I do it I do it because I wonder how he is or what he’s doing because I haven’t spoke with him but I also think at some point I should try to stop and let myself move on. I’m on 10 days of NC I’m still sad and hurt but I want to get better and be ok from this.

  24. Hi ladies,
    Many of us here have had similar experiences. We believed we had something special with our MM, that they cared and felt something deep for us and that it was genuine; if it wasn’t for ‘circumstances’ then they would be with us. We are then left with all the confusion, so many unanswered questions and so much hurt at the end, while they carry on with their lives with so much apparent ease and indifference.

    I believed this for a long time: I believed my MM loved me, that he wanted to be with me, that it was true, just circumstances prevented it. But you know what, I don’t believe this is true anymore. I don’t want to upset anyone, but I don’t believe they ever genuinely cared for us, or certainly not in the same way we cared for them, we were not that ‘special ‘ to them. They WANTED us to believe this and they fed us words to make us believe it, they fed into our psyches so that we would believe this and this was so we’d keep giving and being there for them , believing ‘WE’ were meant to be. But all along, they are playing a game, feeding us empty words to keep us hooked. The truth is, they don’t care, or not that much, they won’t, can’t and don’t want to leave their marriages and families. They want to stay in their current situations, they will not ever and don’t want to give it all up and they NEVER will. But what they like for us, is having us on the side to give them unending love, adoration , appreciation and affection that makes them feel great , but that is all it is, its nothing more to them. They know exactly what they are doing all along. My MM knew how much I adored him, he knew I’d do anything and he also knew he would never leave his current situation. He just fed me enough crumbs (the bare minimum, a few words) to keep me hooked and hanging on so he could get a shot of love and adoration on his terms and on his time scales but it was never ever anything more to him. He even said once it was all a bit ‘silly’ what we were doing, how silly to even contemplate anything more, it was just a fling.

    The reason they are able to NC at the end so easily is simply because they never cared that much in the first place, they got as much out of the situation as they could, they strung us along for as long as possible and we played along with it, taken in by their words and occasional attention, but the moment things change and they know we have seen light then they run, the draw bridge comes up and they want nothing more to do with us, we are now a risk and a potential problem. They don’t want to face it, the repercussions, to see our hurt, to be held responsible, for the truth to come out and expose their lies and games. At that point, the second it becomes an inconvenience or is looking potentially ‘dangerous’, alarm bells ring and its all over for them. Because they never had true deep feelings to begin with they are very easily able to cut off.

    For so long I thought to myself, if he cared, he’d reach out, one day, he must reach out, he WILL, he’d want to know how I’m doing, he’d be concerned. But, but you know what, he has never reached out and I believe he never will. The simple reason is because he never cared that much in the first place. He got what he could out of it, but then once, once he felt i was genuinely hurt and upset, then it was over for him, end of, bam, he wanted out, clean and quick.

    Selfish, cowardly and con men. That’s what they are.

  25. HI Hayley . No your not stupid for looking at his social media honesty I think it’s normal even thou we know we shouldn’t. But you been with your married man for 14 yrs !!! That love you felt for him doesn’t go away because we wish it too they as long as we been with a man it take half that to recover from the relationship ? You are a strong woman you give good support and advise to us ladies here it does not matter how many times you fall as long as you get back up and keep on moving and you have done that . We will never know if we have been replaced or it they had real genuine feelings for us it just will drive you crazy trying too figure it all out . Just stay positive and keep on moving girl ! You Ok ! Been There . Just enjoy the moment and don’t put no pressure on yourself !

  26. Hayley,
    Don’t be so hard on yourself. We are all tempted to look at their social media and wonder what they are doing, no it’s not good for us but it is a normal curiosity. I have done this too. I figure he’s looking for new prey. Unfortunately we know what they are capable of. One thing that’s been working for me is to reframe the way I think about mm. I had this huge tendency to romanticize him. I have to really stop that and start thinking of him as a dangerous spiritually bankrupt person who didn’t care about me at all. Who actually didn’t care if I hurt. While this may sound radical I think this is helping somewhat.

  27. Tammy, it has to be very hard to share your story but thank you. It has helped me get somewhat back on track and realize that these men are just simply cheaters and most likely narcissists. I have been revisiting Quora, a site that I read frequently right after the breakup happened. I find that for me it helps to read just a few posts a day from there to stay strong. I would recommend it to the ladies here if you have not tried it, it is very good reading material. I do not post there but just read.
    It’s crazy but I have walked away from people for a fraction of what this mm did to me and forgotten about them in a fraction of the time, but this relationship is not like any of those others were. It’s like he held up a mirror to me and reflected back to me everything I ever wanted in a relationship, except for him being married of course! I wasted years on this person and both times we broke up it took so long to get past it, more wasted time. Almost a decade thrown away, people hurt, and for what – he knew the outcome all along.

    Been there, I also have started dating someone over the past few weeks. I hadn’t been dating in a few months, but I met someone unexpectedly through friends and he called me up and asked me out. It is nice because I hate online dating and kind of gave it up and this is someone I already knew so it was good. He is also handsome, smart, respectful and single! It has been so nice to just go out without having to hide or feel used. No telling where it will go but it has been a breath of fresh air and nice to just get out and be normal after mm.

    Stay strong everyone!

  28. oh ladies I need some words of encouragement I’ve suddenly started struggling. I’m roughly day 42 of NC was going strong then knowing he is on holiday I started to check him online activity and he’s constantly online even though he’s with his wife which know makes me think it’s my replacement.
    Why am I looking?? Why am I bothered?? I know I need to stop looking but it’s hard now I’ve started.
    I still won’t break contact though it just hurts to think he may have replaced me already and doesn’t think about me at all now. He told me there was only ever me but they lie so easily don’t they. Please tell me I’m stupid. I need a kick. I thought I was getting over it obviously not!! Help. And I guess the fact that he’s constantly online when he’s on holiday speaks volumes on the state of his marriage!! It’s pretty obvious there’s someone else like someone commented below but god this hurts to know.

  29. Been there…I am thrilled for you n I too am recovering n yes, there are always others n they will continue to have more!!! I am getting through my pain of being deceived n so forth n also reminded myself as I made an appointment to get a STD panel done That he’s a loser that fooled me along wt my entire family n friends since he supposed left his wife to be wt me!! I broke it off wt him several times in 4 yrs n kept returning wt I love n want to marry you scam!! I am asked out often but now I can say yes, it still hurts but I really feel sorry for him in so many ways, he will never have anything real in life!! I am starting to make the life I want n it starts wt forgiving myself for being fooled by a narcissistic liar!! Happy for you!!! 😘

  30. Despite the pain we feel, I’m inspired by all of your strength through these experiences. I wanted to share my ‘upward journey’ moment… I’m really on about 10 days NC and am about to go out on my second date tonight with an amazing man I’ve just met. A single man!! He’s smart, funny, gorgeous, age appropriate, divorced, a parent of teen boys and he’s RESPECTFUL!
    It’s so early days but it’s shown me that there is life after chaos. All of the hurt I felt and still feel, can start to be erased.
    We broke up April 2018… it’s been the worst year of my life and I’ve continued contact with a narcissist who never felt a thing for me after 3 years ‘togdther’. I even found out last Monday there were other women when we were together. It didn’t hurt to learn that, it didn’t shock me and it cemented everything I now know about him.

    Wish me luck, date #2 beckons Thursday night :)

  31. Hi anonymous yea the whole time we were talking I would always call him out about how I thought he was talking with other girls. I even told him that he was probably cheating on me to. He would always say no. I do believe some of his feelings were real and genuine but in the end they have nothing to offer us. It’s probably too much to get up and leave there wives and family so there content with the way it is and cheating on the side. I feel bad for his wife like everyone has said. Either they don’t know at all or they do and turn a blind eye. Today is day 8 of NC and I find it hard to pass the time during the days. I only work part time so I have a lot of time but I started walking again and I want to try yoga. I was thinking of getting a 2nd job too all to try to stay busy to not think of him and the situation. It dosnt help he works in my and it’s a small town so sometimes driving through I see him driving. Nothing good comes from these situations nothing at all. Not one happy ending here. Stay positive ladies.

  32. Kat, honestly, I believe they ghost us for other women…its easier said then done…but try to move on from his fatass…you’re a 28 year old baddie, with a bright future ahead of you…dont waste your years on a total loser…Think of it this way, if you were his wife, he would be cheating on you too…

    I didnt see it before, but I see it now…we are the lucky ones!!! We get to move on, and know exactly what signs of cheating to look for…their wives have to deal with their husbands cheating for as long as they chose to…

    I used to think the wife was sooooo luckly!!! But she’s not…

  33. Tammy my heart sank when I read your post. I can’t believe he could do something so awful and not feel like a total a$$hole. It’s shocking. I know you will get through this. Don’t feel sleazy. He’s the total and complete dirtbag. You did nothing wrong but love a man who didn’t deserve you! I hope that anything he has at your home you will throw right in the garbage and never ever look back. If it were me I would burn it all! I am sending you the strength to recover from your hurt and I am praying for you. Hugs 🤗

  34. Patricia Hetherington

    Hi Tammy. Your story sadden me. But from what you say about him it sound like he have a sex addiction / low self worth ? I think his wife probably was the one who left him she couldn’t take it anymore and reached her breaking point with him. You just proved the point that we ladies really don’t know these men we only see what they want us to see and know. You probably just got a glimpse of what the wife went thru ? You really dodged a bullet with him as painful as it is it probably could have been worst ? I hope you recover from this you deserve so much better . Please don’t loose faith in men not all men have deep seeded issues their are wonderful men out there . Thank you for sharing your story I hope I didn’t sound harsh or judgemental toward you because that was not my intentions. Stay Strong .

  35. Tammy, I agree with you 110%!!! It was hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I might not be the only one…but now that Im starting to hate him, I believe their are more…I think Im starting to love myself more and see my worth….cuz Im just disgusted my him now…Im seeing how greedy and selfish he is…..I can do so much better alone…

    I dont know what it is…Im feeling like I never want to see him again!!! Ever!!! Him and dumb naive wife…

  36. Leigh-Ann, Tricia thank you for the positive messages. Today is Monday 7 days no contact. I have reached out but he won’t respond to me. This is my answer by him not responding. I just don’t get it how they can shut you out. I guess I’m more upset that I got no explanation. When exactly one week ago on Monday I said I was done and the crumbs weren’t enough and he said it was up to me and that night he said that he didn’t say he wanted to stop. And ghosting me all these days really hurts. It’s on Snapchat I see when he reads them then dosnt reply. I know many of you ladies have said your mm just cut you off like that too without any explanation and that leaves us with questions and hurt. Once we say we want more that’s when they dump us. I am wasting my time on a man I can never have and a cheating man. Probably chatting with other women. I’m young I’m 28 and I’m pretty and a sweet girl and he’s 39 and fat so for him to dump me is hurtful I should be the one dumping him.

  37. Hi Anna thank you for the kind message. Today is Sunday 6 days NC and I felt a little better but then middle of the day I keep thinking about it and get sad and feel like how could he do this to me. I’m trying to get out more and think he has his miserable life or at least I think it’s miserable with his wife. I keep thinking if he’s talking with any other women he’s just going to do the same thing to them and in the end he has nothing to offer me. He wasn’t going to change his situation. I pray that I will make it through. Thank you for the positive vibes and message hugs xo

  38. Anna, Leigh Ann, Tricia, Hayley and all,

    It has been 6 months of NC and entering the 7th in Sep. I still think about him everyday and wondering is this it?
    He could email me or call my office no but he hasn’t reach out. For the past 6 mths, has he found a new understanding and low-maintenance lover? I am still feeling the hurt, sadness and disappointment. But I rather not bump into him or hear about him.

    Sending positive vibes to all strong ladies here. For those who are still in deep in the addiction, you need to decide and stick to your decision. It is normal to fall off the wagon but don’t give up and don’t sway, keep forgiving yourself and keep trying. Time will tell. Time will prove to you that it is nothing but a fantasy.

  39. Anonymous, Leigh Ann n everyone; My story is even more saddening n I’ve not posted for over a week cause I found his old phone in my garage in a box of his stuff n I plugged it in. You know he left his wife for me he says n life was going well I thought n he left his working phone by accident at my house n I saw that he was cheating but after looking at his old phone which he doesn’t realize I have it’s so disgusting!!! He was literally leaving or coming to my house after having sex wt other women, meeting strangers from tinder for hook ups while house sitting for me!! He’s texting his buddies daily to meet him at twin peaks to check out the girls but calling me every evening after work saying he was still at work n then come over an hour later after twin peaks, I had no idea!! THere were naked pics of girls in his phone that he was trying to hook up wt but didn’t know n naked pics of himself too!! He was texting me good morning sexy along wt several other girls!! I don’t know how he even had time to work honestly!! I had no clue!! My friends n family are as shocked as I am, just dumbfounded!! Ladies you are not the only one!!! It’s not like we were married I tried to break it off several times through the 4 yrs n even stated after he left his wife he may needed a period on his own but no he stated he loved me!! His old phone goes back 2 yrs n the cheating was just his lifestyle n I am sure it was before me obviously!! He didn’t need to be wt me, he could have dated others but he kept me cause it was a game n I was comfort!! Ladies I am telling you, you are not the only one he’s seeing n chatting up!! He sees that he seeing you n cheating on his wife n getting away wt it so why not add more!! Ego n power trip wt thrills too!! Please, please ladies get out n move in after the hurt…I am hurting now to along wt wasting 4 yrs, I am humiliated and I feel so sleazy but he’s the one that is the disgusting sleaze!! I am sure this week he’s even finding more girls!!! Love to you all but please read my story, they are all players!!!!

  40. Hi Anna. I’m glad you are feeling better. I too feel the way you did. When mm broke it off with me I could barely get out of bed! But here I am 7 months later and like you I feel like I have walked through the fire and now I can make it through anything. I still think about mm and I must admit I actually cried about him yesterday. It threw me for a loop. I think it’s because I’m away on holidays and staying in a hotel and when mm came to town he stayed in a hotel and we would hang out there sometimes. But then I tell myself no! He’s a lying cheating dirtbag who threw you away. Threw you away for stuff and to keep up a front. But the heart wrenching pain has long subsided!

    Kat, I know it hurts so bad now. But time and distance helps. It’s so hard in the beginning it’s like having a band aid ripped off in the worst way. But like any wound it will heal. You deserve better than a man who is cheating and like you said if he’s cheating with you who knows if there are others. Be kind to yourself. You will make it and the only way to make it fully is through total nc. The ladies here are a great source of strength and comfort. Be strong 💪🏻 you can do it!

  41. HI Kat . It good that you are socializing and putting yourself out there do whatever it takes to make yourself happy . It will be times when you what to reach to him it’s normal we want them to miss us but remember all the pain and stress he has caused you remember there is no future and your just wasting your time investing in a man who will never be yours . That is what kept me stay NC yes my married did reach out but it was no sense in going back for what ? Allow yourself to grieve and feel everything it ok you will get thru this you got this ! Positive Vibes .

  42. Hi Tricia I can relate to what your saying about if your mm let you go for another women. I think it’s normal to have those thoughts given the situation. I was always calling out my mm if he was talking to others. After all they are cheating on there wives with us so who’s to say there not cheating on us with other women. I always had tons of anxiety about that to. It’s been 5 days NC and it’s so hard. I’m talking with 2 other guys I met online as a distraction and one of them wants to meet me tomorrow but idk if I’m ready for that. And the other one I been talking to everyday. I don’t think either of them will necessarily work out but for the time being they can be a distraction for me. It’s hard because my mm works In the town I live in so I drive down a main road in town and I look over and see his car at his work. Or I see him around town driving. Like he happened to be driving behind me on Tuesday and he kept looking out his side window he wouldn’t face me. When he knows that was me in front of him and I was upset and he was ignoring me.

  43. Hi Kat,
    When my mm first cut me out of his life, it was brutal. He quit social media and cut off all other avenues of communication like I was nothing, it was total self preservation on this part. It threw me into a depression like I had never known before. I have struggled my whole life with depression and anxiety but this was worse than anything I had ever known before. He broke up with me in November and I have horrible memories of the holidays that year – being so sick in bed and thinking I would never recover. I thought it would never end. And it took a long time to get over it, but I eventually did get past that horrible pain. It is different now, even though I think about him all the time, I have not cried over him in a long time. Maybe this has hardened me to an extent, I’m not sure… this is always with me and become a part of me and shaped the way I look at other people and the world, and I still have trouble processing what happened and have questions, questions, questions…. but in a way, I also now feel like I’ve walked through the fire, like I can go through almost anything now. I don’t know if any of the other women on this site feel this way, but that’s been my experience…. the massive pain you are feeling now WILL go away, i promise you that. You will get through this, there will be brighter days ahead, you will smile again. The ladies here will always support you. Sending you strength!

  44. HI Kat . I been there we all have . Having the married man cut us out his life is very painful you go through all kinds of mixed emotions you second guess your thoughts his thoughts it’s crazy ! I’ve been out my affair for 9 months wow time go by fast . It was very hard for me too even thou I’m all cried out I don’t daydream of him like I use to but it does get better no you will ever forget him and what you had and shared but you will recover from this . The 1 thing now hanging on in my mind now is he probably let me go not because of guilt or to be faithful to his wife but because of another woman? That’s what I’m in the process of letting go . I told you it’s crazy ! But if you think about Kat we all knew the end was coming women intuition you feel and that’s what make us desperate towards the end and we want him to prove he still care for us because we feel the distance. I know probably nothing I say makes you feel better but do know has hard as this is and it (SUCK ! ) you will come through all this pain look at it as a learning experience and this too shall pass . Hugs stay strong !

  45. I have basically hit rock bottom. The last few messages I sent him he’s just opened them and not replied. It’s been 4 days of nc and I feel absolutely horrible. Him not answering is basically his response that he’s done. I feel completely devastated and can’t stop crying. It’s hard for me to make it through the days. I feel like I’m going crazy in my own head and am getting shaking anxiety I feel like I’m in a crisis. Please tell me this gets better. I come here for support and that I’m not alone in feeling like this and that it will get better.

  46. Hi Bells Paws,
    My mm actually did lead me to believe we would have a future by telling me we belonged together, that we would be together “one day”, and implying he would leave his wife.. he also spent hours talking to me every night, making me wonder what kind of marriage it was. Where was she that he could sit and talk to me like that? They seemed disinterested in each other and more like roommates. But yet he wasn’t able to pull away. It makes me so angry that I gave so much of myself and was a third wheel in this situation. But at that point I was hooked into him. Love bombing is powerful…. I really feel like I helped him get what he needed and then when I needed something he cut and ran, too cowardly to do anything but continue living his safe little life. And it hurts. It is normal to want reciprocity in a relationship. I always tried to give, give, give, but the minute I needed something from him, it blew up. I know now that not ever to expect anything from a mm no matter what they say. Don’t ever believe their words, ever… actions are the only thing that matter. For the ladies here who are in a love bombing stage or still involved with a mm and trying to figure out how to break away, ask yourself if you can handle a one sided relationship, and if the answer is yes, then continue and enjoy the time you have.
    don’t ask for more because mm can’t and won’t give it. However know that in doing this you are undermining yourself. Think about what this means. Is any man worth this? If not then get out now before it destroys you because it most likely will. If you are on this site there is a reason. Not one happy ending here. I do not say this with judgment because I was there. I spend a lot of time now with my daughter, read, hang out with friends, travel when I can. I am trying to work on myself and reinvent myself. This site is the only place is the only place I talk about mm and I’m grateful to all of you for being my sounding board. Hugs to everyone. we can all do this, we are strong. <3

  47. Hi Leigh Ann, Im responding to your post from august 2nd,….and OMG!!! I used to think the same EXACT thing!!! I thought she won, and I lost…I thought she was so lucky…this is because of the pictures I saw on social media…and how people gushed over their relationship, every single thing they posted got 100+ likes….people would comment “what love looks like”, “power couple”, “You guys are perfect”, “my favorite couple”, and so much more…

    Omg something he did the other day…I was so shocked!!! Im like isnt she in the other room…I dont want to say it here…email me-klnop7756@gmail.com…so yeah, I agree with you, these wives are not so lucky…they deserve better and so do we…

  48. Tammy, I settled for a jerk as well, for almost 4 years….my story is some where in these comments…I haven’t commented in a while, but Ive been reading the post…What’s helping me to move on, is unfollowing his wife on social media…she can have her cheating husband and her picture perfect social media life….I just got tired of it…no ones life is that perfect…smh..she started to annoy me…because I actually know whats going on behind the scenes….we would like to believe we are on the only ones he cheats with to make ourselves feel special…but if he could lie to his beautiful wife that he lives with, he can surely lie to us….Honestly, I would not be surprised to hear that in the future that he gets caught for cheating, I just get weird feeling something is about to blow up in his face…his life seems to be going downhill…parts of me have no sympathy for him at all…I say to myself to you had it coming….

    lately, he keeps telling me he loves me…its time for me to block him…go love your wife…leave me alone…

  49. Thanks Anna.
    It sounds very similar to my situation with my MM and thanks for sharing. ‘As long as I was sexy, adoring and compliant things were fine’- that was so me too! ‘It was when I started needing him to reciprocate a little more that things became a problem. I was going through a lot of stress at the end and I wanted him to be there for me a little more.’- that was me as well! He was only available in office hours, after 5pm he switched his phone off/ didn’t answer it until 9am the next day, even though he knew what I was going through at the time.
    I totally agree with your comments about what makes you so angry, and it’s the same for me. He has been married for 25 yrs and has a family. If he chooses not to give all that up, I can only accept and respect it. But like you, I am angry that if that is his decision which he made very clear to me and himself over and over again, then why did he pursue things with me and keep stringing me along, knowing I was investing in it emotionally and was developing strong feelings etc. This is what makes me so cross. And it is why now at the end, when it has all been for nothing, I’m the one left with all the feelings, pain and hurt, it was all for nothing all along. I know he didn’t feel any real heart wrench at the end, he has his great happy family, kids, big house, great fulfilling job and very active social life. I’ve been so distraught for so long because of this break up, its really shaken my world up and has made me question all notions of love and reality…

    Its so unnatural and unhealthy to be involved in a relationship where one side only gets about 5%. But if ever we speak out or complain or ask for more, the reaction is like we’ve committed a crime, asked the impossible and how dare we ? So I then began to feel guilty and told myself just to enjoy the crumbs, remember my place, don’t want or expect more. Its so humiliating and disrespectful.

  50. HI JK, I know you’re right. If I had to guess I think he is relieved the choice was made. Although I think his relationship with his different it affords him a secure life and that is what he chose, I have to accept it and move on! I am changing jobs and have had the last two weeks off and another two weeks before I start my new job, I am very career oriented and am not used to having this much time off so the downtime has given me time to think about him. Im going into yet another new phase of my life and hoping to buy a new house, lots of changes on the horizon. I also started dating someone. It’s very new, not serious yet but at least it’s a start. I think you’re right we do need to focus on inspiring each other and try to stop the ruimination. Positive thoughts going out to all the ladies here. We can do this.

  51. We haven’t talked in 2 days and I feel so crazy I feel like it’s obvious to my family that something is up. I told my mom back in February when I ended it that time but felt too sad and crazy without him that I went back and she didn’t know. Anyways these past 2 days I been anxious irritable and she knows I’m feeling depressed but didn’t know it’s because of him but she asked me if I was talking to him again and I lied and said no. I feel like I’m having a breakdown/crisis now. Like everyone says it’s like your addicted going through a withdrawal that’s how I feel and like I can’t hide my sad emotions. I’m so scared to start moving on because I feel so heartbroken and sad without him but I have no other choice. Sorry for the rant.

  52. This forum changed its name from How to Let Go of a Married Man to 5 Ways to Overcome Your Obsession With a Married Man. That speaks loudly. We ladies need to look at those 5 ways. Rehashing the what if’s or shoulda, coulda, woulda is not doing us any good. It’s time to refocus and inspire each other to let go (step 5) and move forward and recreate our precious life (step 4). We ladies got this!

  53. Anna, I heard the same things fr my mm. He felt our love was that of soulmates vs what he shared with his wife. If you want, google the definition of a soulmate. Frankly it left me more confused if soulmates share such an intense bond. It doesn’t change the outcome he chose to stay in his existing life. If I think about it I get angry about the whole situation. I don’t want to know anything, whether his marriage has improved or if he’s married and miserable. I am truly trying to focus on myself now and living a righteous life. Someone else posted the feeling of an emmense weight lifted from the emotional roller coaster, the pain/ heartache, the tears, the secrets.
    When it all came out in the open when wife found out, mm was backed in a corner. He was forced to make a decision. Maybe in the end mm is glad the decision was made for him.

  54. Anna it’s ok I feel the same way like I will never get over it either. I was so fed up with my mm I blew up on him on Monday that I wasn’t happy he dosnt make time for me and I couldn’t do it anymore and all his responses were that he’s sorry but yet he can never meet up with me or anything just a few messages here and there. We didn’t talk at all yesterday and he was even driving behind me yesterday by chance and every time I looked in my rear view mirrors he kept looking away off to the side. He won’t face me. I spend most of yesterday being mad and upset and that’s all I was thinking about. I feel like you like I will never be over this. Thanks for letting me vent to. Hugs

  55. Hi Tammy. I hope you have been able to process what has happened and are slowly moving towards healing. I can’t know the pain you are feeling but I hope I can help with some support, prayers and kind words. I think back to my mm and how he used to say to me that people must wonder what I was doing with him. He always said to me that he was ugly which broke my heart but I also know that after it was over people would say to be that they did not know what I was doing with him. They always thought I would be with someone much more physically attractive. I fell for his personality. I do remember thinking many times that he was not my type. But I think mm are able to rope us in with their charm and then we somehow lose ourselves. From you past posts I can tell you are a strong woman. You endured 4 years of him coming and going, but you still went on with your life like he was not coming back. I am approaching the 7th month mark of nc. This was the first time we have ever gone nc and in the beginning I didn’t think I would make it to this point. Recently I posted that I was unable to make it through an entire week without crying once about him. Well I am happy to say I have finally made it! I have finally returned to the person I was prior to the affair! I’m back to the strong happy woman that mm caught. I’m dating and having fun and finally enjoying my life again. It took some hard work and some sheer determination but I did it. I used to think that I had lost something when he broke up with me, but the truth is he lost…. We are all so much better than they are. They are lying cheating dirtbags who don’t deserve our hearts. I know that the road to healing will be a difficult one. We have all been on that journey, and I know during that time the ladies here have been a great source of support and it helped me immensely. Hugs to you :)

  56. Tammy,
    I have read your posts several times to let them really sink in. There was something that happened several years ago between me and my mm that I have buried, but your post brought it back to the surface. My mm used to have a twitter page… I have never had one, but he was really into it, and he had a lot of friends or followers on this page. Well, one day I looked at his page and I swear he was carrying on with this girl on twitter. They were flirting and he was saying a lot of the same kind of stuff that he would say to me. And then I went and looked at her page and she was doing the same thing with him. He had been talking to her on twitter at the same time he was talking to me! It knocked the breath out of me! I confronted him and he denied it, but it was obvious what was going on, it was all there in public. I even showed a friend of mine and she was shocked. To this day, I don’t know the full extent of what he was doing with this girl (like if they met, did they have a true affair, etc) but something was going on with them. This was right about the time we broke up the first time and I begged him to tell me the truth but he just kept denying it over and over and swearing that he didn’t know this girl. I saw the exchanges with my own eyes. It was total gas lighting. I think you are 100% correct about these men. They are hooked on excitement and the chase! I don’t know why I can’t reconcile myself to this fact that he/they are inherently dishonest! I was never comfortable with the deception, but somehow talked myself into thinking that it was because he was unhappy in his marriage and it had nothing to do with us…. When we would talk at night, I knew his wife was probably sitting right there the entire time or at least in the next room. We could never go away together without him having to pull off some elaborate lie – I hated it – yet I was part of it!! How could I let myself be with a man like that? Yet, I was, and I think that he is going to miraculously change for me? One thing I have to admit is that I am so glad that my life now is honest and I’m not screwing anyone over or getting screwed over myself! Thank you for your post and your insight!

  57. Hi everyone..chanced upon this page while I was searching for how to let go of mm…I just broke it off with him yesterday. I have broke it off a few times but he always manage to reel me back in. I keep telling myself that I can’t be fooled again and wanted to keep a distance. He is my co worker. But I don’t have to see him now for about half a year as I’m going away for my studies. Today is my first day of NC…but I can’t help but keep hoping that he will text me. And I feel guilty for thinking like that. I know that this relationship isn’t going anywhere because he mentioned before his daughter is the most important person in his life and he can’t lose her. But at the same time,he said he really loves me. I think a part of me really wants to believe that’s real. But if it is, he would have tried to spend more time with me..didn’t sleep much last night because I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

  58. Hayley,
    I soooooo wish I could travel all the time. You are so right, it’s a big wide world out there and it makes you realize how much more there is to life than this one person we are fixated on. There’s something freeing about getting yourself from one place to another, seeing beautiful new scenery, different cultures, eating new food, and taking care of yourself. The ultimate self care. Enjoy your trip and have a great time!!!

  59. Bells Paws, the time my mm & I spent together was wonderful and he was caring and seemed to try to make me as happy as he could. But when ever “we” interfered with his real life, meaning his home life, his wife, or his kids, he would change from the man I knew and adored and turn into someone who felt pushed and scared. I think at the end he felt that no matter which way he turned he was going to hurt someone terribly, and the guilt & shame made him turn back towards his family and away from me. He told me many times he just couldn’t leave them and I think the heaviness of it all just got to be too much. The odds were already stacked against me for all the reasons we ladies have all talked about… family, house, kids, in laws, community, social standing.

    As long as I was sexy, adoring and compliant things were fine. It was when I started needing him to reciprocate a little more that things became a problem. I was going through a lot of stress at the end and I wanted him to be there for me a little more.
    When ever it came down to me or his family, I was always the loser. And in the end, he told me that if his life ever changes he will come find me, but he can not leave them. I would like to believe he loved me but he obviously loves his family too which includes his wife.

    Where I have the anger towards him and trouble is….
    If he loved his wife and family so much he never should have gotten involved with me in the first place. I feel used and like I threw away years on this man and wonder if all that time we spent was just a lie. Is it really possible for a man to love two women in two completely different ways? He said the love was different… that his love for me was a soulmate love. Don’t know if that was just love bombing bullshit, but I certainly felt it and it seemed so real when we were together. But obviously he had something very real with his wife as well, or is it all just the house, the kids, the social network, and their history? It’s been five months now and it keeps me up at night. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this… I’m sorry if I rambled… thanks for letting me vent as usual.

  60. HI Hayley . You have a good point there with ( we only think we are in love ) we are caught up in a fantasy world . And we don’t really know them we aren’t in there homes we don’t see the bad days and his fears and see his struggles . We get the good part of them and that is what we think we love . I remember when I was in my affair fog I thought it was normal for him to leave every couple of months so he wouldn’t allow him self to fall for me and I wouldn’t fall in love with him . But at first I thought he was rejected me and I felt bad and would try harder to keep him around . Until I found this site and read this ladies stories and they we’re experiencing the same thing and I was like ok it just not me ) and I took comfort in knowing that . But now it’s saddening me that so many women are suffering because they got involved with a married man . I remember my father telling me that sex is the strongest hold over a woman she feels a bond to him and can confused that with love and most men know that . It hurts to know how quickly these men will leave us but when the smoke clears you will see the truth . And you right the world is big full of men and opportunities why be stuck on one ? Have fun !

  61. HI. Tammy . I read your post I want to say sorry things didn’t workout for you and I hope with time your heart heals and you find yourself in good spirits. My opinion is these married men sometimes sell us a pipe dream and tell us whatever we what to hear to keep us happy in the affair . My Ex mm never told me he loved I knew the truth but got lost in him . These men are betraying their own wives so we ain’t know different really we are co conspirators in helping them be dishonest and we pay our own price for that . I think some married men use us women as a means to get out of their failing marriage not so much to be with us nor marry us but to be free and play the numbers games. I often wonder did my married leave me to be with another woman? I know Im his first affair at least I don’t think so ? Ladies we need to love ourselves so we don’t fall for the first man that say ( hey baby I love you or give us a little attention) . I’m not going back to my crumbs and waiting forever for a Damn text mgs or call ! I’m not being used for my body either and crying or feeling sad every time he left my house to go home to a wife and family where I will never be invited to his world . I’m done ! And ladies in the struggle you will get there too ! Just give it time . Tammy you will get thru this God show you the light ! Positive Vibes ladies .

  62. Leigh Ann, My ex mm also “love” bombed me now that I think back n I thought how can you love me cause you don’t know me either!!! They use the love word to get sex, I was going through a separation/divorce when I met him at that time n I fell for his charm!! Funny thing is I am not only physically more attractive than him but financially 100% more stable!!! I realize he’ll never have morales n seriously is a large child!! I always felt sorry for him that his ex wife used him for money n did her own thing but basically they were a perfect match!! What he didn’t bank on is that he was only in my life cause I loved him not because I needed him to pay my bills or take care of my children!! Thank you for your thoughts Leigh Ann, prayers for you n your happiness❣️

  63. Haley, I think you are so right in how can we love them so much….we did/do love them, the them we thought they were in our minds n what little we got of the…they were on their best behavior n charming cause they wanted something from us!!! I think they cared at least a little but they are extremely good liars n most likely have been all their lives n no, we are not their first n certainly won’t be their last either!!! I loved mine wt all my heart n I too thought he was my soulmate but the man in my head n heart would have never Done those things to me! As I look back I can see all the clues that I discarded because I was blindsided by my love for him!! I now can see I was in love wt someone that did not exist n wasn’t really real at all!! I still haven’t cried over my huge slap in the face that he left his wife to be wt me n is cheating on me with several other women ….I am still shocked, numbed n starting to get angry now. They like sneakiness n that they are getting away wt something huge they enjoy the chase n the thrill n then basically get bored wt us, ladies that isn’t love at all!! Please ladies get through your hurt n never look back, I wasted 4 yrs of my life, 4yrs….I feel so stupid!!! I passed up a lot of great guys because of my love for him n I am a far, far better catch than he is or ever will be!! I should have known what his true ego was when he stated that he’s never dated someone more attractive than himself he was definitely dating up n he had a hot wife n A hot girlfriend!! I am disgusted that I was ever associated wt such a loser!! He will be coming back Soon to apologize as normal like in the past, I know his tactics n I can’t decide to tell him off but my style is more higher class n just deny him access to me instead which will eat him alive!! he/they think they can do anything to us n we will coming running cause we taught them we are ok wt settling n we deserve respect!! They all have egos of “I have lots of women that want me“, I have so much to say that would crush him but I think my silence n refusing to ever acknowledge him again is a much better route cause no action is an action in its self of “I don’t care about you any more!!!“ PLease heal n never look back!!! Please don’t waste 4yr, 4yrs like I did!! I am blown away that I settled for a jerk for 4 years!!!

  64. I feel so aggrieved.

    I loved him with all my heart. It was a really deep, true and intense love. My hurt now is equal to my love then.

    I believe he did have genuine feelings for me, that’s what I believed and what I wanted to believe. But now I find myself questioning it. Towards the end he came across quite cold, uncaring and indifferent on a few occasions. I don’t know if I had lost his respect and he took me for granted. I was going through a big stress and tried to speak to him, he didn’t want to speak to me (it was at the weekend) and I felt I had intruded and was over stepping my boundaries.

    I asked to see him a weekend, any weekend. He ignored my messages.

    I wrote an email just to say I felt discarded 99% of the time and how hurtful it was, and his reply just said fair enough, goodbye. He let me and what we had go so easily in the end- just one email and it was all over.

    I agree with you others- in their own way they care for us and what we give them means something to them. But its nothing like our feelings for them. We are just the ice cream parlour- open on Sundays and everyone loves a lovely ice cream on a hot summer’s afternoon and has a great time. But the rest of their week its business as usual and they are stuck entrenched deep in their lives- at the end of the day they have so much to wrench themselves away from- they are so deeply entwined in in laws, social circles, families, friends, social networks, community etc- they don’t want to disrupt all that or face the consequences . These men ultimately choose stability ,security and a comfortable life and stick to it like glue.

  65. well ladies I’m 32 days full NC sat on a balcony in beautiful Majorca drinking wine wondering if we really do love these MM after all. I mean we only get to see them 10% of the time so how can we possibly love them we just think we do at the time. I’m starting to question and realise that he was never my soul mate after all and starting to wonder what was it all for? What was the point in it.
    I know he is also on holiday with his wife and her family I just hope he’s miserable and thinking about me being on my holiday cause this would be karma. Chances are he isn’t thinking about me at all and that’s fine but it makes me feel better to think it and i kinda hope he is. Funny how time and distance makes you think differently. I no longer miss him as much or wish to contact him and can feel it all getting so much easier and better. 30 days was my goal and I’ve done it. Now another 30 days and so on.. there’s so much more to life than these idiot men and I highly recommend a change of scenery to make you realise how much bigger this world really is. They really are nobodies.
    Tomorrow I will be checking out the hot men on the beach just because I can.

  66. That’s so heartbreaking Tammy!! I often wondered if your relationship would be one that was able to endure. I read your post more than once and I re-evaluated my entire relationship with my mm! He came to see me before Christmas and my spidey sense went off and I remember thinking I gotta get rid of this guy something tells me that aside from lying to his wife he wasn’t truthful with me! He always smoke and mirrored me and he was always having things catch up to him. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I never even knew what that meant. But after reading your post I realize that he is just a lying cheating dirtbag! He love bombed me in the beginning and I always thought you don’t even know me! My heart breaks for you! I’m glad my mm broke it off with me! I say good riddance. 👋🏼 I hope your heart will heal from this. I know it will take you time and it will be a painful journey. I hope all the ladies here will read your post and heed the warning! Run! Nothing good will come from your dealings with a married man! Those of you ladies that have had nc for any length of time keep going! I know I’m never ever ever going to look back. I am horrified that I let myself be BS’d and f*^ked over by this asshat! Be strong ladies. We are so much better than they deserve. Hugs to you Tammy and thank you for sharing your story knowing how painful it must be. Hugs to all the ladies here we are strong and deserve better! 🤗

  67. Moving forward & all…
    thank you for the encouragement. I wish I could just accept that it was easier for him to stay than to dismantle everything and face the shame of his family, friends, etc. I have never had such an intense relationship and I really struggle with this being over. Unfortunately, Love does not conquer all, as we ladies have seen.

  68. Hi Ladies, I read Tammy’s comments several times because I think its a fact that we need to acknowledge. These men are unfaithful to their wives period. That tells us a lot about them and us too. Our own insecurities, self esteem ect led us to being with them. Yes, some may have terrible marriages but they have not sought to end them and even if they did as in Tammy’s case, what kind of people are they, what is their character? OK, so if they cheated on their wives are we so special that they wont cheat on us? They will. So, them leaving and being with us 100 percent of the time is no magic wand as we think/ I noticed some ladies were talking about whether they love or care or is it just words. I have come to the conclusion that it falls into 3 categories, there are the ones who just want a one or two night stand with another woman, that is obviously nothing, then there are the second which is usually what we end up with these are the long term emotionally based relationships where they usually love bomb us and have had some spectuacular times with us and we have fallen deeply in love with them, these men in my view do CARE but will not love us the way they love their wives and may not love us but like us and how we make them feel and the experiences they wish they could have with their wives. But, they say something but their actions belie their words, than there are the 3rd which I think frankly is rare and those are the ones who do truly love us and leave their marriages and make it known. But, I think for most of them its number 2, they have too much to lose, their families, their reputation, the image, the money, property, community members, its too much and they are not going to become a pauper and be looked at in a bad way by their families and its not even about loving us or not loving us its about their own issues and selfishness too. I just think all of us are doing the right thing by trying to recover from these dysfunctional relationships.

  69. Anna, yes, all of what mm told me. This site has so helped me by others who have shared similar experiences. It comes down to actions speak louder than words. It’s that simple. That’s the lesson I have learned.

  70. Ladies, Please, please listen to me…..I fell in love wt my mm 4 yrs ago n it was off n on again wt so much heart ache I can’t begin to count!! He left his wife a yr n half ago stating it was for me n we saw each other, he finally got divorced in June. I thought life was good, we were good n we were traveling, going to galas n such n thought we were so happy or so I thought……he left his phone at my house the other morning n it started to ring. The text looked sketchy so I open n read it n a few other things. Flirty happy hour texts from previous female coworkers that he met up wt two days earlier when he said he needed to get to his son n worst of all text to a so called “massage” wt prices wt him sending him her his pic n her naked along wt calling her a Luv which is what he uses wt me!! My hands were shaking n I was blindsided n this was the same evenings he came n slept at my house too! I know there were even more I didn’t see…Of course he came back to get the phone n I let him know what saw, I know he’s not sure what I actually saw though, He had nothing to say but then again what could he say he was caught!!! I told him to go live his life wt his happy hours n massages…. I am not a screamer or anything but I was calm basically because I was in total shock!! He was talking about marriage n he was to go wt my family trip to Mexico next month n finally let him meet my kids!! They are players, no matter how much we think we are the only ones we are not n it’s true once a cheater always a cheater!! I feel so disgusted n have to make a drs appointment to make sure I have no stds now!! Please ladies let them go n never look back ever!!!! I feel so disgusted to be associated wt him now!!

  71. @Anna-i do believe that your mm’s love for you was real. Your words verbatim are exactly how I feel about my situation. My mm would say to me “how come I can’t feel all of these things” when I called him out on how he would say he loved us both. He’s also told me he doesn’t know if he is in love with her but if he were to leave, the fear of disappointing his kids, family and wife was too overwhelming. It’s easier for them to just stay where they are then dismantle everything they have. That doesn’t mean they have never loved us.

    @Alison-You’ve got this!! Just keep pushing through! It’s been over a month of nc for me and like you-the first week was fine and then all of a sudden it hit me HARD! But I just keep telling myself that if I fell back into it, he’s still going to go home to her and then the roller coaster starts all over again. We deserve more than that!

    Also-thank you all for sharing your stories. It has really helped me stay on track and given me hope. Love to all!

  72. Jk,
    My mm said exactly the same words to me. That it was possible to love two people but in completely different ways. And I do believe his feelings for me were different than those towards his wife. I think his wife is part of his family which includes his kids, his in laws, and the rest of his family and his feelings are part of that realm. His love for me was very different and he always told me he was truly himself around me and that he was in love with me, not her. But in the end he let it all go, including the part of him “I knew so well”. It has led to a huge cognitive dissonance for me in wondering if it was all just a lie or if the love was ever real.

  73. Bells Paws,
    I guess what kills me is that I don’t know if it was true love on his side. There are times I really do believe he loved me and tried to make me as happy as he could. But when it came to changing his life around, he made it clear he couldn’t and wouldn’t do that. And he has been able to walk away from it all so easily. At least it seems that way to me. The whole relationship really twisted my world around and I still have trouble processing all of it. I think about him EVERY day. I doubt it’s the same for him. He has his wife and family, that he chose. I’m angry and hurt, but I still love him and always will, no matter what he did to me. He made his choice and I have to accept it and go on as best I can… I’m probably mostly healed but there are still times I open my phone and long to see a message there or just want to reach out and tell him some bit of good news. I hate that it has to be all or nothing but I know that it does because he can’t give more and I can’t take less. Truly the most tragic thing that has ever happened to me in my life.

  74. Bells Paws, there was true love and mutual feelings between mm and me also. I believe him when he said the things he did for me were out of love. Some of the best moments of our lives we agreed were shared together.

    It came down to what you said, there was much at stake for mm. He would state, it’s not that simple, that life is not black and white and it’s possible to love more than one person. But like you, I have had to accept his choice and let him go on with his life. I too have mixed feelings of love and loss, anger and hurt and sadness. No, it’s not simple, and we ladies know how it ends.

  75. Can someone slap some sense into me today?! I’m on NC day 10 and finding it harder than ever? I think because initially I was still angry and felt wronged, so that kept me going.. But now the doubts are setting in.. What have I done?? And how on earth do you get over the pain of realising they haven’t, and never will, bother to get in contact? When will I ever manage to stop staring at my phone? I don’t understand how it can change so much and how he can be so OK with it.

  76. I too have lots of beautiful messages sent to me from my MM at the beginning. These are the only things I have not erased. But neither have I ever looked at them again, it would be too painful. I sent all his belongings back to him via his work office in a big box soon after it ended – it was a few things he had left behind at my place , such as a tie, a spare shirt, a bottle of whiskey, a pair of walking boots he bought for one excursion and a few little bits we shared between us. I eliminated all these memories of him from my house, but i can’t bring myself to delete for good those wonderful, sincere words of love he sent me at the beginning.

    I accept its over. But that doesn’t mean he’s not left a hole in my heart and the sadness and loss eats me away. I loved him truly but i also feel so hurt at the way he was able to take all my love and my heart and then just walk away from it with apparent indifference in the puff of one email. I couldn’t bear the silences and distance from him and the exclusion from his life, he accepted this and i’ve never heard from him since. He told me he was never going to leave his family by which I think he means all of his house, home, children, social network and finances etc more than his wife, but she is nonetheless part of all that life. He won’t give it up and I have to accept his choice.

    But I miss him desperately. I cherish our memories. I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved him. I’ve let him go but my feelings remain. I feel sad and so hurt he was able to let me go so easily. But that is his choice and I can’t do anything about it.

    Anna, your relationship with your MM seems similar to mine- I believe there was true love and genuine feelings on both sides. its just he can’t and won’t give up all that he has and we’re the ones left with the heartbreak and feelings to deal with, they have their big lives. I have mixed feels: love and loss, hurt and sadness.

  77. Hi ladies. I am approaching 5 mos NC. In addition to our messages I have a box of things he gave me, mostly handwritten notes, some flowers, things I saved from times and places we were together, some books and a few small pieces of jewelry. I am going to put them in the attic for now.
    Hayley – enjoy your holiday & keep staying strong! <3
    Tricia – I know how you feel but you are doing so great. We haven’t met the one yet. Keep your head up girl you got this. <3

  78. Hi Ladies, I was thinking about the issue of getting rid of the memories of your time. And, I really think there is no set rule. I saw a MM a long time ago and I had a lot from it furniture and pictures. I threw away the pictures and in time I almost forgot that he gave me a lot of the furniture. Eventually, I sold the furniture too. I think if we are really moving on that we have to get rid of everything but when we are READY to, and you will know when that time is because there is no set time. I do think that we should consider these following things and it will make the decision easier. 1) are they holding on to anything we gave them?? My mm has no pictures of me because when he was caught with the cellphone they were all destroyed by his wife so no pictures, he did not say wait wait I need those so I cam remember her. 2) Any cards we wanted to give them, we could not. Letters and memos I gave him were also discovered and destroyed. And yes they are still together despite her knowing EVERYTHING. I have a few things but I am going to get rid of them soon because I dont think you can really move forward as long as you are hanging on to these reminders of what was and what was, was what? As Olivia Pope said stolen moments, or hours, we had no life with these men, we did not see them at their best or worse, we did not have holidays and vacations, we did not have them, we were borrowing without permission someone one elses husband. Thats the reality. My advice slowly get rid of everything and move on as best as possible.

  79. Yes Anna, every single last one of them…. gone. I too took great comfort in them once upon a time, but then they became a focus for my unhealthy rumination. It’s actually quite cathartic – the words were only ever said in the first place as a means to a deceitful end, and I don’t need reminding of that.
    I have whittled my fond memories right down to about 3 which exist in my mind, lol; the passage of time has given me strength and clarity. Being strong reinvigorates my purpose and I feel a lot, lot healthier!
    All the best, you WILL get there and I hope it fast tracks x

  80. Hello ladies . Who said here you relive every moment of the first yr of your breakup with your ex mm never lied ! Because these months have been a struggle for me . I still see his beautiful face smiling at me I smell him his cologne I see him in my bed I hear his voice I miss him holding me . Sometimes I wish he would come over and use his spare key like he use too I would run to him every time I heard the key in door . It amazing how time could fly when you having fun ? I feel like there’s no joy in my life I’m ok and all but the the emptiness is there in my heart . Anna I deleted all my mgs from my mm almost 5 months in NC I used too read because they brought me joy but then I couldn’t read them anymore I would cry ! What made me delete them is when I broke NC and texted him his response too my pain ( Damn really ? ) I’m will Damn where is the love ? I got pissed and deleted everything ! Now I all I got is a key chain from him before our affair started from Italy . I lost it twice and found it so I guess it mine to keep ? I thought with a married man I wouldn’t face rejection I thought I would never developed genuine feelings for him because he was married now look at me now ?? I can’t get this man out my thoughts ! Enough said . Hugs & Positive Vibes .

  81. HI Anna . It took me almost 5 months to delete the my msg. It was so painful to read and look at it reminded me of we things we’re good between us and all I wanted to know from him was where is the love ? Now all I have is a key chain he gave from his trip from Italy I lost it twice in the street and found it both times so I guess it meant for me to have ? Who ever said here that it take a yr to recover and you relieve your times with your mm for the first yr of the break up never lied . These months have been hard at times it will be one yr in November. Sound crazy but I thought I could have a little fun with this mm and fell hard for him at times I could smell him all over me it was intoxicating. I could see him in my bed smiling at him I hate missing him and thinking about him why is it so hard to just move on ? Sometimes I wish he would come over and use his spare key like he used to and I would just run to him and wrap my legs around him I truly miss the good times . Just thinking to hard ladies . Hugs !

  82. @Been there, I agree holding on to things is a painful reminder of what is not. For me, was a reminder of the lies.

  83. In regards to discarding things of mm, I went back and forth pulling it out of the donation bag. I feared he would contact me just when I got rid of it. But, he has not contacted me again as in the past. I recently took the plunge and got rid of it for good. It was part of that whole letting him go.

    For those of you ladies who are not there yet, no one can tell you when that time should be. It is part of the grieving process.

  84. Anna I screenshot some of his messages, emailed them to myself and moved them into my archive box. I can’t look at them, in fact I don’t want to look at them but I know they are there hiding away should I ever want to look back on them but it won’t be for a long time yet incase I upset myself. I hope to wait for the day I’m truly over it all and I can look at them and laugh at my stupidity.
    So that’s an idea for you. Also any gifts store away in a box in the attic if you can’t bring yourself to throw them out. My last gift was a charm for my charm bracelet, I’m refusing to wear that bracelet at the moment until I’m over it, don’t even want to look at it at the moment so it’s hidden away for now.
    Hope this helps. day 27 NC and I’m off on holiday tomorrow with a friend for 10 days.. feeling good. It does get easier I promise.

  85. Alison,
    With time comes more clarity. Sometimes when I am posting here it is to remind myself not to reach out and go back to the crumbs. As others have posted, nothing will change unless they do. By maintaining NC I reclaim some of my dignity and self respect and let him know that I will not settle. Doesn’t mean it’s not a hell of a path to walk on life – sometimes it all feels so tragic. I just remind myself that if it is truly meant to be then he will reach out to me, and so far he hasn’t. Huge hugs and strength!

  86. Hi Been there… thank you for posting. Did you delete all your messages with your mm? I truly hate to do it because those words were all he ever gave me. Even though I think I have mostly gotten to a place where I accept its over, I just can’t bear to delete all those messages. it would have been our 7th “anniversary” a few weeks ago and I think that’s why I’m faltering in my resolve not to read them. Thank you for your insight and hugs to you.

  87. Hi Anna, I follow these comments but don’t usually post. I started my affair in 2015, and it ended last year – my marriage, his marriage and our affair in the space of 3 weeks. My advice would be to DELETE all communication. Whilst you still reflect upon the love you may have felt, it’ll only serve to hold you back. What I considered nice memories turned into painful reminders of what never was. I’m literally only 4 days into NC (and we broke up last April in 2018!!!). It’s been a long and fatiguing journey.

    It’s aLao a ridiculous waste of my emotional space – which I’ve learned is a finite resource and I need to respectr my mental health.

    Delete the words, and you’ll move quicker to finding someone (if that’s what you want, and when you’re ready) who will give you pure love without conditions that mm do.

    It’s such a hard space ~ but you’ll get there, we all will. I have so much admiration for all the contributors here, who are trying to reclaim their lives back from painful relationships with married men. None of us are perfect, and we need to forgive ourselves (not the men… They can sort their own selves out!)

  88. Bells Paws, You are spot on. All talk, no action from them. mm said I was his world . Whatever. They know where to find us if they really wanted. I thank God I have not run into him lately. His birthday is this month. I am not going to contact him.

    As with any relationship that ends, divorce, death, or a break up, it is said the first year is the hardest. Every moment together will be relived. For me mm birthday will be the first during NC.

  89. Thank you Anna – that really helps me to stop feeling like I’m doing something wrong by going NC. I can’t get over how supportive everyone is on here. I’d be losing my mind (more..) without you.

    It’s hard not to take it all personally, but I was thinking tonight that we could be the most perfect women on earth and the story would still be the same predictable cliché (I was soo convinced my mm was different!), because it’s not us not being good enough – it’s them being cowardly and lazy. We’d have moved heaven and earth for these mm, and they won’t do anything to step out of their comfort zone.

    Sad in love mentioned how nice it was to spend time with someone who wasn’t checking their phone constantly or rushing to get back home – I feel you. I HATED that and the “it’s in case there’s an emergency with the kids” line (pretty sure your wife wouldn’t TEXT you in that case, so stop replying while we’re spending time together!). Yes, it’s impossible at the moment to remember the good without the bad. I hope that comes in time, but I don’t know… I sometimes find myself wishing it’d never happened. He brought me so much happiness and hope for the future, but soo much pain too. Right now the heartache and sadness feels like it outweighs the good. I’m trying to let the memories come and go, without dwelling on them, but it’s so hard. He became my world.

  90. Thanks Hayley. I have never deleted our messages and don’t want to. I have very little to prove this relationship ever even existed in the first place. I really did love him. One of my favorite quotes is “You can not close your heart to sadness without closing your heart to happiness. These relationships are incredibly deep and bring up so many different emotions. For me at least, it’s impossible to remember the good without also feeling the hurt.

  91. It hurts, its sad and its all awful. I swing from feeling very low and sad to feeling so cross, it all feels so unjust. It could be so very easy to cave in and to make contact, to take them back, to accept the crumbs, sometimes anything feels better than nothing. But what stops me is:

    1) its no point, he’s married, he can’t give anything
    2) I want at the least to maintain my dignity and self respect
    3) If he wants me properly he knows what he has to do and where I am. The fact he’s not once reached out to me tells me everything I need to know.

    Remembering this tells me there is no point and however much it may hurt, I will never make contact with him

  92. Anna, good days and bad days. Embrace it all.. ride through it,ride the storm no matter how hard it’s the only way to calmer waters.. do not cave in. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better. Accept you’ll have these bad days and tell yourself you can ride it out.
    Tomorrow is a new better stronger day. Chin up.

  93. Today was a rough day for me. It seems like just when I think I’m past this I get hit with another wave of missing him and thinking about everything. It didn’t help that I let myself look at some old messages of ours. The feelings are still really close to the surface if I let myself think about it enough, it still makes me very sad. I know tomorrow is a new day and this will pass but today just really sucked. I hate the hurt.

  94. Hi Alison. I’m glad I helped you snap out of it and that I got you to laugh. 👍. I still think of my mm everyday as well. And last night I had a set back and bawled my eyes out because I do miss him still. Not sure what I miss because like you said they take so much from us. I remember asking him how I was going to live without him in my life. He said with time he hoped it would get easier. I asked him if it was going to get easier for him and he said no. Just time. There are times when I think he really did want to be with me but there was too much to lose. So all these things have made it difficult for me. But I won’t be anyone’s number 2. You will think about him often but remember the manipulative nasty person he was in the end. Remember you don’t deserve this s^*t. You are special and you deserve to be someone’s one and only. The huge sadness and always being on the verge of tears in public will pass. I used to cry at work 😩. When you need to share your struggle come to this forum. All of us ladies know the pain you are feeling. They have been the best source of support and encouragement for me. Hugs 🤗

  95. Hi Ladies, its been a few weeks since I posted and I have been mostly NC with my former MM. I have spoken with him and of course he wants to resume everything. But, resuming everything means being second or third on their list of priorities, it does not matter what they say, its what they DO. What they do is cater to their wives and yes they cheat on them which is horrible and it shows they dont truly respect or care about them either but they care LESS about us despite what they may say, their key priority is reputation, image, money, preservation of their lives with their families, we are just desserts again no matter what they say, its what they do. Here is my advice for all if us, try to move on, it is hard and fill our days with LOTS of activities, take a class, go to the Y or gym, learn something new, get a hobby, do things with our family, read a new book, the news is horrible but watch a movie. When we think about them think about the being home alone when they do things with their wives on weekends, we NEVER see them weekends or rarely, think about when they go on family vacations, family reunions, the fact that they will never leave for us. I have actually went on a date, it did not work out but for a few hours I did not think about him, it was nice to be on a date where he did not have to look at his phone the whole time. Or he had to be back at a certain time. So, keep strong, we are beautiful and do not deserve crumbs and that is all they can give us.

  96. HI Anna . You are so right the end of the affair is when you see a half of the them they probably worst then that we only saw the loving caring side . We never really knew our married men and I guess that what make the reality of the situation so bad . Months out my affair I can see what I thought we had never really exist to him and the feeling I thought he had for me we’re a lie it’s was a beautiful dream and even those are slowly fading away . Ladies just because we shared beautiful moments with our Mm don’t mean we cannot have them with another man and even better we cannot close our hearts to the possibility of love again .

  97. Thank you Leigh Ann and JK – with your help I’m now on day 5 of NC. This is by far the longest time we’ve ever not spoken for. Like Bells Paws, I feel like I’m walking around with this immense sadness in my heart. Constantly on the verge of tears even in public. I hoped he would fight for me but he doesn’t seem to care enough.

    JK – so true that we spend so much time worrying and thinking about them, but they don’t consider our feelings. The whole thing is so very one-sided. They’ll only do something when it suits them – never going out of their way.

    Leigh Ann – your “DON’T do it!!” made me laugh and also snapped me out of it. I kept feeling like I owe him something, but I don’t. They have taken so much from us as it is. I’m not the person I was. And he’s not the person I fell in love with.

    Christmasses were so hard, knowing they’d all be sat around the table having jolly family time. And that thought keeps me going too – no longer will I be waiting for a text, so no longer will I be disappointed.

    He’s still the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning. It’s going to take a long time to break these habits after so long.
    BUT I also have this tiny tiny sense of relief occasionally.. The rollercoaster of emotions was exhausting. Perhaps our lives will feel significantly more stable without mm in them.

    The thought of never hearing from him again tears me apart, but I’ll take it one day at a time.

  98. Alison,
    I believe the person they show us at the end is their real self. The love bombing is not reality. The person you see under pressure at the end is the true person and how they react and the choices they make say everything. You do not have to feel bad about putting yourself first and protecting your heart. As someone else posted, if he wants you he knows what to do. You aren’t abandoning him. The NC is also not to punish him it is for you to create distance and start the road to healing. I know none of this is easy and there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. But you will get through it and he stronger and happier eventually. Hugs!

  99. Alison, If you make it clear you need to end the relationship and stop communication, you have done your part. Don’t let mm manipulate you with guilt for not responding. It’s funny how when we reach out to them, they contact us when convenient for them. We worry about hurting their feelings, yet they don’t consider our feelings when they ghost us for days with no contact. You have to make up you are not going back this time. It’s the hardest thing to do because I felt like I just walked away and abandoned him. I blocked everything so he could not contact me. It was the only way I could start breaking away and stop hurting because I didn’t want to know if he has tried contacting me. If he really was concerned he would be knocking on my door. That’s what a man who fights for the woman he wants does. And these mm Are choosing to stay with their wife. It may upset them and seem mean by no contact, but they can’t have it both ways. Friends is not an option. What purpose would it do but to continue the pain. And the wife certainly does not want us in the picture at any level . We need to let them go and do whatever it takes to do so. NC is really the only way or you will be forever stuck in the vicious cycle. If he wants you he knows where to find you. They really are not fighting that hard.

  100. Hi Alison. DON’T do it!! You answered your own question.. you said you “wouldn’t be strong enough to stop again”. You don’t need to explain anything to him he doesn’t deserve it. He made his choice loud and clear. You are a beautiful soul and you deserve kindness and love and respect. I know it’s so hard. But you will heal and look back and think “thank god all the craziness and ups and downs are gone”. You want someone who will be with you when you need them and someone who sleeps next to you all night not someone who’s with you and then goes home to sleep next to someone else. You want someone to be there on holidays, your birthday, weekends and when you are just feeling low and need someone. I discovered that’s what I wanted when I spent Christmas alone…. again. Be strong you can do it. Leave your phone at home or in the car and go and have some fun so you don’t think of him. You can do it! We have all been there. Hugs 🤗 and strength 💪🏻

  101. Advice please, wise ladies! I woke up this morning wondering if *I* am being unfair by not responding. I never replied to his tirade of angry messages, but does that mean I’m ghosting him? Should I message to explain why I’m going NC, or does that just open the door to all the hurt again? I’m not sure I’d be strong enough to stop again then.
    But then I think he probably doesn’t really care anyway.. He’s probably relieved and busy with the wife and kids. Staying in the house he told me he was so desperate to leave, with the wife he said he couldn’t stand. While I, the one he said he’d be with, is left behind. Sigh. He knows I care, I’ve certainly told him that enough. And I’ve always been the one to reinitiate contact. I foolishly thought he’d have messaged me again by now.

  102. Ghosting is the perfect word. In a previous post I referred to mm going incognito. After a great time together he would say he’d call/text. It would be days later. I always felt I was on the sideline. Sadness became anger…the crazy emotional roller coaster we ladies describe. He was vague about things, and full of lies, & half truths throughout our relationship, even
    before he married. That is what flew up red flags and me going on a mission that another was in the picture and ultimately finding out he married months after our relationship was off again. Then, him reconnecting with me and secretly rekindling our relationship. Wife finds out, he stays with wife, and our relationship is over. Omg, how pathetic this is. I never thought I would be in this situation in my life. It goes against my morals and everything I stand for. It has also left some very deep wounds.

  103. Bells Paws,
    Oh how I relate to this post. I felt the same way about my mm and everything now does feel dirty in comparison, just a complete turn off. While the pain is not raw like it was, I miss my heart feeling full when we were together. It’s just so unfair.

  104. Well, with time the intensity of the pain does soften, so too do the memories get more blurred and hazy. But what doesn’t go away is the sadness, the loss and the heart ache.

    It has also changed my outlook on other relationships. I didn’t just love my mm , I adored him. It was a complete, wholesome and fulsome feeling, I adored him in every way possible through and through. When I was with him, we were the only 2 people in the room, I noticed no one else and no one else mattered. Our connection was also mutually loving, full of warmth, affection, kindness and care for one another- we went everywhere hand in hand, we only had eyes for one another, we were like real lovers. I’ve never met anyone before who I have this intensity of feelings for and I don’t think I ever will (and I’m not a youngster). Neither do I want someone else to replace the object of all my love and affection. I have no interest in other men anymore, none at all, it all feels somehow dirty and seedy now when what I had felt so pure, real and deep.

    I am heart broken.

  105. Leigh Ann my MM would play these stupid disappearing games and not text when he said he would etc I would try to play the game but it made me feel awful. Games games games who needs that!
    There are no winners or losers only wasted time, energy and emotions that would be better spent on someone deserving. I think his wife is actually the loser cause she is stuck with him.. goodluck to her she hasn’t a clue what he’s like. I do!!.
    People only show you their true-selves at the end of a relationship,Remember this!
    Years ago before mobile phones, affairs would end and people moved on so much quicker & easier cause you would leave the house with your phone still attached to the wall in your house now they are glued to our hands constantly and social media makes it so much easier to stalk and obsess. If I have a bad day I leave my phone in the car until the temptation passes. I also tell myself what will it achieve if I contact him? Yes We would exchange some nice texts and then what? Nothing changes, nothing is further forward so what’s the point. This honestly makes my NC easier. Ive even plucked up the courage to change my number this weekend ( he doesn’t deserve to have it) as I’m due an upgrade so may as well change it then I’ll never know if he’s contacted me and that makes things a million times easier cause it’s the contact I struggle to ignore. We’ve got this ladies

  106. Tricia your reply brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your kind words – you know exactly how it feels. I didn’t want to admit to myself that the affair is over, but it’s true – it has run its course and it’s not possible for me to just be friends with him. I would always struggle with wanting more.
    You ladies are helping me more than you can know. You deserve so much happiness.

  107. Hi Alison. I used to think no so much that she “won” but I thought she was “lucky”. Now I think what the heck? Lucky?? She’s not lucky she has a dirt bag for a husband that didn’t respect her enough to leave before he screwed around on her. He used to talk to me when he was at home, or on his way home all the way until he was in his garage! I used to think what if she comes into the garage knowing that you are home? Do you even care?? She isn’t lucky, she deserves better than someone who can’t be trusted. We never really know these men because they show us only what they want us to see and of course to keep us hanging on, it’s always the good side of them. My mm never said hurtful things to me, but recently I started to remember other things. He would ghost me for about 5 days at a time every few months. I remember last year at this time we were talking on the phone on Wednesday and he said he had a call and he would call me back….. I never heard from him so on Saturday I texted him, and it took another couple days before I heard from him. Then of course came the smoke and mirror explanation, I’m sorry I’m glad you reached out, I have just had some things going on and I needed to take some time away… and I always was understanding…how dumb was I?? Never did he share exactly what was going on and I didn’t ask. I just thought if you want to talk about it you know I’m here. Then in January the same thing, I’ll call you tomorrow…that was Thursday….I never heard from him even after I wrote a slightly nasty text the next Wednesday…still nothing then the next Friday he texted me at work…I’m sorry, I’ve had some things going on and it caught up to me in a bad way…so once again more smoke and mirrors and never an concrete explanation, and he broke up with me. So while he was not nasty and manipulative, he was a lying by omission kind of guy. Which always led to my crazy ups and downs. I wish I had the answer for you on how to get through the pain of this. I can only say it will get better, and you have to go through all this to get through it. Be kind to yourself do things that are only for you so that you feel better. Guard your heart, if you don’t guard your heart no one else will. If you give this man even an inch it sounds like he will take a mile. I know you are waiting for that sweet guy to return, but most likely he won’t and you are seeing the true him. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh. I just want you to be able to find the strength to leave his nasty self to his wife. Maybe she knows how to deal with it or maybe she’s thinking she’s had enough of his s*^t and she’s going to kick his lying cheating ass to the curb. And when you look at it in those terms…. do you think she really “won”? Nope you did, you are free to find someone who respects you, loves you and will fight for your relationship, not someone who found it so easy to treat you so unkind and cut you out of his life. Never be someone’s side chick or second choice. The only place to be is number one! ;) Hugs and whole lot of strength :)

  108. Hi Leigh Ann. I’m kind of relieved to hear you think that behaviour is manipulative and nasty too. He was so amazing, kind, sweet and loving in the beginning, I don’t understand this new person he’s become. Or maybe that was more like the real him all along. I kept hanging on for that original version of him to return. He still hasn’t messaged, and I know that’s probably a good thing but it hurts how easily he’s able to cut me out.

    I liked your comment about letting his wife put up with his behaviour and temper tantrums. That’s a better way of looking at it, because I always felt like she’d ‘won’.

    I’m so glad your mm stayed loving throughout, although I know how much harder that must’ve made it for you to walk away. Even then, it was clearly the best thing you could’ve ever done for yourself, so you give me hope! Like you and others have said – they made their choice, and that’s all we need to know.

  109. Dear fellow ladies. I am so desperate for someone to hear me out, as I can’t talk to many people about this subject. And excuse my English, I am a scandinavian trying my best;-)

    I am in the process of letting go of my mm. We started seeing each other 2, 5 years ago when I was also in a relationship with kids. I was 30 at the time. After two months of the affair, I broke up with the father of my children. I did not do this because of mm, but for me starting an affair meant that I had lost so many feelings that I couldn’t go on with my ex.

    So… from december 2017 and to this day, my affair partner and I have acted like we are in a relationship. We are talking vacations, almost daily visits and love love love. He is constantly telling me that he is going to leave his long term girlfriend (they are not married, but have two children aged 11 and 15). I have believed him. Time after time. He has had deadlines that have come and passed. My feelings for him has become stronger, but the pits which I fall into every time I am dissapointed have become deeper and deeper. I am crying more now than I ever have in my life.

    The last deadline was in june. This time he promised he would leave. Didn’t happen. Now he’s away on vacation and I am devastated. I have told him several times that I want out, but he won’t let me. He comes to my house, he calls me, sends me texts saying that I am the only one he loves etc. Now he is asking for a final deadline in november.

    I am torn to pieces. He has lost his job twice in the last year (this is due to circumstances that he is not to be blamed for), and this has made him very depressed. He has been in treatment. He says that this is the reason that he hasn’t left yet. And part of me understands him. But I tell him that he had 1,5 year prior to this that he could have left. He always has excuses. And I believe him and go back.

    I have rattled up the strength to tell him that enough is enough this time. I am not answering his texts or calls. Although every part of me wants to give him this one last chance. But I have told myself SO many times that “this is his last chance”. I am heartbroken. Please tell me if I should give in one more time or stick to my guns. I want nothing else but to be with this man. I have never loved before I met him:-(

  110. Kat and Anna. I so needed this….an understanding fr an unbiased mm. And everything you posted validates things my mm said.

    I asked mm many times to understand why after he married he continued to reach out to me, he said no one ever made him feel the way I did. He said I made him feel like a man, emotionally and physically. He said he lacks the passionate feeling in his marriage. Many times he referred to their marriage like being roommates . They have many differences and we share more in common. He said she is a good woman but not the right woman for him, that he loves her but is not in love with her. He said he felt “alive” and lived life with me. I believe he may have second guessed marrying her, but it is what it is, and as you ladies stated these mm have much to lose. So, thank you for sharing the other mm’s views. It has helped me to make some sense of things.

  111. HI Alison . I’m sorry your married man is being so mean to you . This is why when the affair ends as painful as it is you have to let go we cannot be their friends we are still in love with them . I remember after my Ex Mm left me 4 months later I reached out to him he wasn’t the same man who pampered my feelings I knew in my heart that the affair ran it’s course and it was over . Alison block his number and all contact and stay busy and just live your life so you won’t be staring at your phone and waiting for a texts . Go out as much as you can with friends and family get a Hobby too . I know losing this men feel like somebody then died and not just a failed relationship and lord do it hurts ! Put yourself first and practice self love . Hugs .

  112. Hi Alison. Wow is all I can say! He seems like a manipulative jerk! The best thing you can do for yourself is to go nc. He doesn’t deserve this s*^t?? Please… it’s you that doesn’t deserve this treatment! You have every right to ask for what you want, and if he can’t give it to you then you need to move forward! The more you hang on to this the more pain you are causing yourself. Let his wife have his jerk ass! If she wants to put up with this manipulative behavior and his swearing and having temper tantrums then more power to her. You deserve to be treated with respect. I know it’s hard to let go, but the more he behaves like this the more you see that he is not worth your tears and heartache. He is a cheating, lying manipulative jerk! Mine was not like that at all so it was so hard to let go but I knew for me I had to. Be good to yourself and cut him off. Don’t let him contact you and try to use his sweet words to reel you back in. You are special and deserve someone who will love only you and treat you with respect. Give it time, I promise it will get better. I still miss mine but the pain in my soul is so much less. I still think of him, but I won’t be anyone’s second choice! He picked her and that’s all I need to help myself. Be kind to yourself and lean on the ladies here. We have all been where you are and they are a great source of insight. Hugs :)

  113. Anna I also have a friend that had an affair on his wife years ago. I was asking him about his affair to see how it is on married men’s side of things. So my friend told me he wasn’t into his wife they didn’t get along and when he had the affair he said he was in love with the girl and it hurt him to have to let her go. He said eventually his wife found out and he had to break things off. He said he didn’t want it to get out in public. He stayed with his wife and then eventually broke things off with her. He said he wanted to do it the right way. These mm have images to hold and kids they don’t want to mess up there family.

  114. Ladies, thank you so much for replying and for your kind words. I don’t have a soul to talk to about all this, so it means a lot to me.

    Hayley and Leigh Ann – you have persuaded me that NC is the best way forward, more than anything else I’ve ever read. It’s comforting to hear that you’ve had exactly the same thoughts, and so helpful to hear how you talk yourself out of that thought process. “Affair fog” is an excellent way to describe it. I absolutely have been sitting around waiting and hoping he’ll change his mind, and Hayley you’re so right when you said staying in his life won’t change anything, regardless of any hope you have that it will. It hasn’t changed yet (in fact he’s only getting more distant), so why would it now?

    JK – You’re so strong and I know you’re right that we have to let them go. I hope one day I can look back fondly. At the moment everything reminds me of him and it’s like a stomach punch every time.. I know you must feel/have felt the same.

    One thing I’ve realized from reading this thread is that the story is almost identical every time… Love bombing in the beginning and the most amazing times together, and then slowly/quickly turning off that tap and leaving us wondering what on earth changed and why we’re seemingly the only one who still has feelings. I read so many articles and forums at the time and they all said the same, but I was convinced he was different. So naive.

    He gets annoyed whenever I bring up anything that isn’t small talk now… If I ever question why things have to be the way they are, he gets angry and turns it around on me – says I’m twisting things to make him look like the bad guy, and making out like he’s a terrible person. Every time. Despite me telling him for years how I think he’s perfect and wonderful and how much I care about him.

    It makes me doubt myself and whether I AM being unfair by asking for more, or telling him how I feel.

    Two days ago I said I don’t understand how it changed so much from x to y, and that if he doesn’t want to stay in touch then that’s fine but can he please let me know… and he lost it (turns out he’d just been in a fight with the wife) – swearing at me and saying how he doesn’t deserve this sh*t, and why should he have to justify every f*ing thing, and that I should only talk to him if I want to be “nice”.

    I haven’t replied. Admittedly I’m checking my phone obsessively to see if he has messaged, but I think I might take this chance to go NC. Every time I talk to him, it stirs everything up and I think it now brings me more stress than happiness.

    Sorry for the essay :)

  115. Leigh Ann & Hayley, You are both spot on with your recent comments. I have to be honest with myself that if he did end his marriage and want rekindle our relationship, why I would even want to? I already know what he is capable of …secrets, infidelity, and half truths. Place the fantasy of the relationship aside and that’s what is left as a reminder.

  116. To piggyback off of my other recent post, I will be honest with myself and admit I still hold on to hope. Why it’s better mm doesn’t contact me. This man chose to marry another and I left him alone. He was the one who contacted me months after he married claiming how unhappy he was , and he made a mistake and I was the one. The ONLY reason I let him back in my life is because he lead me to believe his marriage was over and was ending his marriage, but no ACTION was made to go through with it. How he handled things being deceitful to his wife and me is twisted. I hope for her sanity things are in a better place with them. For me, it’s a blessing I don’t have to deal with.

  117. HI Sonja . I remember when I was with my married man I was torn one part of me knew this wasn’t working for me I deserve more but the other part of me wanted this man and his company. I torture myself with leaving and NC it consumed me and a good friend told me ( Honey just stop worrying enjoy the man because he won’t be in your life long ) When God want him gone it’s over ! But if you make yourself leave and your not ready you will just end up going back . And she never lied either things have a way of working it’s self out I know it’s hurts but this too shall pass . My affair is over I still think of him but everything is ok now. So ladies remember everything will work it self out don’t stress yourself out .. Hugs Guys !

  118. I agree with Tricia about the affair running its natural course and that is when you are in the devaluation stage and wind up on this website searching for answers because you are desperate and know that the end is near. I never came to a message board because I was so desperate for answers but here I am. During the early part of NC you will be depressed and have a lot of moments where you second guess your decision because you really miss them. You have to fight this and push through it. It gets better. After you come out the other side you realize how screwed up you were and see things a lot more clearly. It is like coming out of a fog or waking up.

  119. I have a very good male friend that I have known through work for about 7 years who is married. He is starting an affair with a woman who is also married. I have been picking his brain because I really want to understand the mm side of all this! For my own selfish reasons I want to know what goes through the mm’s mind when they have an affair, so I can understand what went through my mm’s mind. My friend and I have been talking over the past few days and here are a few of the things he has told me. I thought his comments gave some interesting insight from the mm perspective. These are quotes.

    “I love my wife. She is beautiful and smart, a good mom, runs the family, really nice ass, I love her mom more than my own parents. And honestly, even though the sex is always the same, I have bigger orgasms with her than with anyone else. She knows me really well. I just want to feel something. I love her but I couldn’t do that to my kids.”

    I think we have all agonized over whether these men love their wives. The answer is yes they do. They are looking for that something extra, the big excitement, feeling wanted and desired – I honestly think the pull is more emotional than physical – we are great at giving them that. But not at the expense of turning their lives upside down. These conversations have been really enlightening for me and even painful. But it has strengthened my resolve even more not not break the NC because I know that this man can not do anything for me. He is another woman’s husband and I have no place in this relationship.

  120. Hi Alison. I know how painful it is to let go. I would panic every time I thought of never seeing my mm again. Like you I was thinking what if he gets a divorce and I’m not there?? Now that affair fog has cleared I think well if he gets a divorce, and was with me, then a vacancy has been created :(. What makes me think I’m so special he won’t cheat on me when he gets bored of me? I already know that he can’t be trusted because he screwed around on her… You have to love yourself enough to know that you are worth a man that loves only you and will put you first and fight for you. It has taken me 7 months to be able to even begin to let someone else in my life. I couldn’t imagine my life without him and I would compare every man to him and no one had a chance. No one could compare to him. What the heck was I thinking though? Why do I want someone who cheats on his wife?? I must take my share in this as well. I should have not gone down this road at all. It will take time to heal, but I promise you will and you will look back and think that being with him was a lifetime ago! I know this is easy for me to say, but believe me when I first went nc I didn’t think I would make it through a day. Love yourself, grieve however you need to grieve and don’t ever settle for being someone’s number 2! Hugs and strength!

  121. Alison, I don’t look at time with mm as wasted time. We had lots in common and we lived life. We ladies on this site have been left heartbroken believing mm will end their marriage for us. How long do we hold on and wait? I knew I needed to let mm go. My thought is if it’s meant to be it will be. He will find me. I may be with another by then.

  122. Two months ago he had broken up with me again for the second time . After a month we reunited ,I m the one who contacted him. He apologized and behaved very sweetly but things have changed since then .We mostly met by chance encounters at work or at the gym .Texted now and then.Whenever I tried to make a planned meeting to hang out he said yes initially and backed out last minute every time ,atleast 4-5 times in last six weeks .Stupid excuses like work at home ,kids on vacation ,busy at work. He knows I can clearly see through him but acts so innocent when I ask him why he didn’t meet. Why I am still taking all this crap I don’t know .If I get upset he doesn’t make an effort to make amends, I am the one who reinitiates contact. Recently the wife gifts him a Rolex , wow! So all the crap,I m in this just for kids and feel like she is just a room mate is definitely not true. Atleast in her eyes he is everything .She trusts him and loves him enough to gift him that. It pissed me off, kind of showed mirror to me again about what I am doing with guy. How he is leading a perfect Dial life in which wife is very happy with me two perfect kids ,highly reputed job.And the secret life of there years with a girl who still adores him and he can spend time with her on his conditions. But three years are too much to forget but really at this point half of those have been me surviving on the crumbs .Why o why. Why I can’t I cut the cord,I am so disappointed in myself in letting myself go through this prolonges misery for few nice moments with him .We don’t do any fun things any more . I am sad when I with him though I try to smile (and he can see through this )and I am sad without him .I know it’s time to go total NC otherwise I will make my life miserable .I just wish I can gather strength from all the strong ladies who have done it and survived and are able to enjoy life again.

  123. Alison from all the research I have done on NC we have a far better chance of ever being with these MM if we walk away than we ever do staying as his side piece or his friend. Think about it.. he will never ever leave why would he? Not only do you get to heal and move on and think more clearly but it also gives them the chance to sort their lives out and let his marriage unfold naturally and absence makes them miss you and if he can’t live without you he will come find you a single man then it’s up to you if you still want him. I know it sounds clique to say but we really really do help them to stay married.
    I’m not saying this is the reason to do NC. Im not sitting around waiting and I’m surely not holding out any hope of this ever happening BUT I no longer want him to have the best of both worlds. NC is the hardest thing ever but it does become easier, time and distance and the anxiety decreases trust me. I cried buckets on day 10 then day 11 I was fine but I never caved in. Good days and bad days just accept it will happen.
    Yes i miss him so much we all miss them but he made his choice and for me that’s all the information I need.
    I hope you get to the point where you feel you have no choice anymore and put yourself before him and do this. This will be his loss not yours.. you are the prize please start believing this. It took me a while I’m 3 weeks no contact and not unblocked him once this time.. I’m starting to slowly not care anymore and being more kind to myself. Staying in his life won’t change anything regardless of any hope you may have that it will. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but this is the reality we all have to face.
    If I can do this anyone can. We believe in you but only when you’re ready and the time will come. Love you all ladies.

  124. Taylor, my situation was very similar to yours in how your relationship is playing out. Things I picked up on is it was your birthday and mm could not be with you. A nice text is easy to send but the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. You are expressing how it’s not easy to deal with the on/off. When the emotional roller coaster takes its toll on you, that’s when you know you had enough. My breaking point is when I realized mm wasn’t going to end his marriage, despite the nice things he said/did to show his “love”.

    No contact is the only way to start to break free/heal. I had to block mm on everything because I did not have the willpower to not respond when he would contact me. The situations on this site where mm is a neighbor, coworker, or in your situation, someone at the gym makes it extremely difficult to break free. That’s a tough one how to handle.

  125. Anna, wise words there about going NC. I was also very depressed during the affair, and found myself doing/thinking things that never cross my mind now. At the time all I could see was how happy I was when things were good, and how he gave me (I felt) something amazing to live for, and how purely content I felt when in his arms – a feeling I have never had so strongly. I logically KNOW I am better off and happier, even without the joy of being in his company. But I just don’t seem to be strong enough to cut all ties. There is this little voice in my head saying if I never speak to him again and he’s out of my life forever, the whole thing was a waste. Every tear I cried, every memory, every happy moment, every bit of my excruciating heartbreak since he decided we couldn’t be together after all… all for nothing. And I can’t bear the thought of us losing contact, and then him finally getting divorced (if he ever will) and finding someone else.

    How I can stop thinking this way? I know affairs aren’t real life and naturally come with more excitement and passion than a “normal” relationship, but I miss him so damn much.

  126. LeighAnn, Amen too the end of the emotional roller coaster! I am very happy you met another. Absolutely take things slow. I am in a better mental and emotional state to be able give another man a fair chance without ties to mm. Why the importance of no contact.

  127. Hello ladies . This is for all the ladies who are struggling in how to cut the cord and go NC . Don’t put no pressure on yourself to end things because it hard to do and it just add stress when the relationship is over and the affair runs it’s course it will natural end and you will find a way to cope and deal with it . And God will walk you through the pain ladies even if you never forget him and more then likely you won’t you will find the pain lessons and you will survive. But don’t worry ladies . And Hugs to the ladies in recovery and healing Because that a struggle too ! Positive Vibes .

  128. NC is the key. There is a life after these affairs but only if you do the NC. Not easy! But it is possible if you want it. You do still think about them after it’s all said and done but not with the same sadness. Is life going to be the same, no. It takes time to taper off from the addictive behavior, destructive emotions and the damage and ruin but I don’t feel 1/10 as depressed right now as I did during the affair. I know that the people in my life are there because they truly care about me and not because of some hidden agenda. I can call them and they’ll be there if I need them. It’s not complicated. Life is hard enough, why do we need to make it harder? If you love someone, you want to be with them. It’s really that simple.

  129. Hi JK. I feel the exact same way. I was thinking yesterday that it seems like another life that I knew him. It’s been almost 7 months now since I have spoken to him and I just think “thank god all that craziness and ups and downs is gone”! I still think of him every day but less and less. I realize now that it was just dumb to get involved with him and I should have gone with my instincts in the first place and run. I have met someone new now and I am just taking it very slowly. I wish my mm well and I hope that he finds happiness is where ever his life takes him. Thank you to all the ladies here who have supported me and let me share my feelings. I hope that is some small way that I too have helped some who struggle to believe that life will get better and the pain that is tearing out your heart and soul will pass!

  130. It’s comforting (although sad) to see some of the posts here.. I feel so incredibly alone and stuck in time. I just can’t seem to move on or fall out of love. For 6 months we spent almost every day together, and now it’s been a year since we last met up. But we talk almost every day. I’m so sure that’s what is holding me back, but I can’t bear to break that last bit of contact. My heart still feels as broken now as it did back then. We have so much in common. He really let me believe we’d be together, and then changed his mind, just like that. He’s still with his wife and I feel like I’ve been thrown away like a piece of trash.

  131. Hi everyone! It’s been awhile since I have posted…I have read through everyone’s post and as always, I am still SO sorry that SO many of us are in these situations. It’s great to see that many of you wonderful ladies are moving on pretty good, and I pray you continue to be able to do that!!! I feel so bad for those of you who never received any kind of closure from mm. I can’t imagine how difficult that would be, having a relationship with them, and then them leave with no word whatsoever. I know that all of our situations are different and NONE of them are easy. I have surely had my UPS and DOWNS this past month since mm and I were caught and he had to cut things off for us. We had been together for 5 years, so lots of time invested. His wife saw some of our texts a month ago, and he has been paranoid ever since. So, for the first week or so, we were pretty much NC, and it was SO hard, but, I figured I needed to do what it took to move on and heal for him. Well, then slowly, he started reeling me back in. I don’t really know if it was intentional the way it happened. He goes to my gym, so we see each other there from time to time. We had ran into each other and had a very deep, caring conversation. He said he missed me more than anything and wished we could be together, but he has been under a microscope with the wife and scared to death of losing everything. That being said…he still was flirting with me, and making comments that IF he could find time for us to be together, he would. Anyways…fast forward to last week. It was my birthday, and he sent me a couple of very nice texts. He said he wished he could be part of my birthday, but the timing was just terrible with everything going on after we were caught. Then this past week, we have had a lot of texting, and sexting, all of it had been great. And even though I KNEW I shouldn’t be going back to that trap, I did……well, yesterday I could tell something was different. I saw him at the gym, and he said Sunday night wife started asking him a bunch of questions again. So, he is freaked out again, and said he just doesn’t know what to do. He wants to be with me, and misses me, but he can’t take a chance with losing his family. I get it! But, I also cannot be dragged around while he is making his decisions. I think one minute he feels comfortable enough to be able to text me….but then whatever happened Sunday night with her getting on him, freaked him out and now we are back to how it was after we got caught. I know I am rambling… I guess my main point is, I don’t think ANY of our situations are easy. Those of you beautiful ladies who didn’t get any closure, it so wrong. But, in my situation, with him telling me we can’t talk, and then we are talking, and now we can’t talk, that’s not easy either…. I KNOW I have to find a way to move on AND not let him real me back in when he starts to feel comfortable enough to do so…..I just don’t know how to do it, for obviously, I didn’t do so well this past month. :-( To those of you ladies who have been in a similar situation with one minute you are talking, the next you aren’t, etc…..how did you get through it? I will say, my mm really is a good, caring guy. He just is caught in a very bad situation now, and I can see how much it’s affecting him. I do care about him and what happens with him AND his health…..but, I also know I have to take care of ME! I just don’t know what to do……. :/

  132. A year in a relationship with a MM and I’m making a conscious decision to walk away. I don’t know how but I do know I have to do it for the sake of my own sanity.

  133. To Anna and all the ladies, I too am getting in a better place. As time passes and mm has not used another method to contact me since I have all but moved and blocked him on everything . I too still think of him every day, but it’s weird cause it seems like another lifetime we were together. Maybe it’s like someone losing their spouse when they pass away. This site has helped me by writing down my thoughts and feelings in a place I feel validated. It has also helped me to help others dealing with their situation.

  134. Sharing a little more here as I feel the ppl here won’t be judgey abt the situation.
    I have gleaned through most of the recent posts here and the biggest advice is no contact.
    As I worked together with him, it’s not possible to have no contact. And my biggest frustration is that I can smell him whenever he is close by. This sounds way more stupid than I thought it would be.
    It is very distracting at work. There is a huge element of lust here.
    I have worked hard to get him out of my mind but it’s damn tough.
    I think I am sad. But since I have been suppressing my emotions it’s been just weird for me. What I feel is all over the place. I have not reached the stage where I can look at him and look back at what we had with nostalgic. I am assuming this is the best outcome.
    Sometimes I lapsed and get hopeful we can get back together. Other times I tried hard to remember that it’s over. And it has only been a few days since! How long does this crap goes on?

  135. Thanks for the support ladies. I’ll continue to check in as i care for everyone here tremendously and I am still on this journey with you. I do feel I’m getting further down the road but he’s still in my thoughts and I’m still tempted to reach out from time to time but I just know there’s no point. We’ve got to turn that love inward and focus on ourselves and continue to get stronger and happier. These men can not do us any food unless and until they decide to change their lives. Huge hugs ladies!

  136. 6 weeks of NC with MM. it was hard but i was getting by, then Monday morning i get a text from him and after promising myself I would never respond to him again- I ended up speaking to him 🤦🏻‍♀️

    He fed me more excuses and lies and then told me he would text me the next day and its now been nearly a week, yet I still haven’t heard from him.

    Its always the same scenario. He always gives it 6 weeks of NC until he contacts me (almost like he’s counting the days)

    I’m wondering when I will finally tire of his s**t and move on?

  137. I remember the day he reappeared in my life he’d gone to great lengths to get my works contact details.. the email said ‘hi how are you stranger’ I remember feeling so angry, I hadn’t thought of him in ages, I was in such a great place with my life and here he was yet again. I slept on it then responded with ‘is there a reason you are contacting me’ & that was the start of it all over again. At first I took great pleasure in telling him how wonderful my life was when his clearly wasn’t but Why why why did I not listen to my instincts. Why did I let him screw me over ten fold this time! If only I could turn back the clock. I guess we all think the same. He would often say ‘you and me will always have unfinished business’
    The arrogance of it all.
    Damn I could kick myself but we can’t change what’s happened.. we can only change the here and now and I want to get back to that place I was in before that email ever arrived.
    So today marks 2 weeks full no contact with me not unblocking him even the once. This is huge progress for me. He’s respecting my wishes it would seem and I’m grateful for that. I hope he doesn’t return again cause I don’t fully trust myself just yet at least. It’s easier when they don’t contact you.
    And ladies I’m feeling ok and I know I will get over this like we all will when we cut them off.
    So many people in this world.. don’t seek validation from this one assclown you think you love. You don’t..!! cause real love works both ways with honesty, loyalty and lots of time spent together. Seek validation for yourselves. We really should be grateful we aren’t married to them. I would have sacrificed so much for him whereas now I wouldn’t spit on him if he were on fire. It’s not that I hate him I just hate what he’s done. Funny how time, perspective and learning to love yourself again instead changes your whole mindset.
    I tell myself daily I am not a revolving door anymore just wish I’d stuck to my guns in the first place.. something I’m working on.

  138. HI JK . My Ex Mm office is my leasing office where I pay my rent for the past 10 months I have been avoiding him at all cost paying my rent on days he not there I cannot see him it too painful and he would work on me like he always did and I would go back . I believe he has been reaching out calling blocked so I don’t know it’s him . So I guess they probably will have an emotional control over us . I saw my married man back in April and I had to walk fast but other then that I feel so detached from him now and I feel I have let him go but I’ll never forget him . I moving on with life . I feel for you because I don’t think I could bare see my Ex Mm with his wife that has to be so painful to see . Hugs

  139. Bells Paws,
    I feel your pain. I still have some days as you describe. I am going back next week for my 2nd Accellerated Resolution Therapy session.
    It has helped but the pain is sneaking back into my consciousness. Less than before but it is not resolved. This relationship has cost me in so many ways: money, time, my health both mental and physical etc…
    Your summary of the mm relationship is accurate. Well said and well understood. I agree with all of your observations. My decision to be with mm was one of the most self destructive decisions of my entire life.
    Hugs and strength to you.
    You are not alone but realize that at times, that statement is not comforting. Just sad with the knowledge that this is so common.

  140. XXX, God Bless, Peace be with you.

    There is something to be said about XXX’s comment about continuing to allow these mm to have the power they do over us. We may no longer be with them physically but they still have a hold on us mentally/emotionally. There is a realistic time at the end of any relationship one needs to grieve the loss. There is also a point we need to let our mm go. They are choosing to stay married. Ladies still in contact with mm, that is why it’s critical to have no contact. It is the first step to breaking free and starting to heal/grow. I can’t control running into him/wife. I have tried avoiding places and when I least expect it , there he is. But avoiding places is another way of allowing mm to still have control over me. I am allowing him to alter my life to avoid him. Idk, I guess they say the only way is to face things head on and deal with them. Each time you gain more strength as opposed to running away and not dealing with . As with anything in life.

  141. HI Xxx . So this a Good luck in your next chapter in life ! Thank you for your support and wisdom. You have come full circle you understand what got you here you have broken the chains that bonded you your Ex Mm . You come so far continue to grow and flourish as a woman. Positive Vibes !

  142. XXX-IM GOING TO MISS YOU!!!!! I needed the harshness you gave…you snapped me back into reality…because of you I finally unfollowed the wife…thank you so much…I wish you the very best….these wives can have their cheating husbands!!!! yup!!!

  143. I only occasionally cry now, the pain is less sharp and stabbing that used to grip me into paralysis at times, instead it has now become just a deep aching sadness and depression that i carry around every where and can’t shrug off. It weighs me down heavily and I’ve lost all interest in everything, I just feel flat and dull and depressed all the time. I’m not interested in speaking to people or doing anything. I’m just like a zombie now in autopilot, getting through each day lifeless and joyless and speechless. Holding myself together so I don’t cry or break down.

    Like a lot of you on here, I got no closure and i’m left with all the feelings, unresolved issues, and unanswered questions to deal with myself. So many questions I want answers to, so many things I want to tell him and for him to know- does he have any idea of how inconsiderate he was of me and my feelings and how hurtful he could be? You’ve all said it yourselves- they take, take, take for as long as we give but the moment we speak out or ask for more or express hurt and dejection then immediately they back off and disappear; they don’t want to know. My MM was great when all was ‘rosy’ and I played along meekly and sweetly and didn’t question my position but as soon as I stepped outside these boundaries, as soon as I asked to see him at the weekend or speak to him in the evening- then he backed off and I got the cold shoulder.

    Tricia, I believe the answer for their pitiful no endings is because they want no repercussions. They don’t want to trigger the risk of any back lash or have to take any responsibility for their actions or face up to the mess and hurt they have caused. They are selfish and cowards. Its just take while the going is good and then leg it when things show a hint of turning sour. Sometimes I feel so angry I could blow the world up, but i’m trying my hardest to understand and manage my anger. But most of all, most of all I feel this profound aching sadness and loss.

    I used to really hope that one day he would reach out to me , just some thoughtful kind caring words to show he hadn’t forgotten me and he was sincere etc. He who was so good with his words and could always say just the right thing at the right time and turn a situation around. I have waited for weeks hoping i’d receive a message from him. I also wanted the opportunity to respond and tell him truly how i felt etc. But now i’ve come to realise that i honestly don’t think i’ll ever hear from him again. He’s denied me the chance to tell him things straight and to get some things off my chest. And that again is because he’s cowardly and wants no ‘trouble’ for his actions.

  144. Just a little sharing. I work with him for more than 2 years and got into an affair with him for the past 2 months. He wasn’t rich or good looking but I was attracted to his kindness and felt sympathy for his marriage to an unsuitable wife.
    I am not a looker and has a difficult personality and often felt unworthy of affection. His kindness made me grateful and I followed him like a puppy at work.
    He told me straight he has no feelings for me and there is no future for us. So it’s not like he was lying to me in the first place. I like him and wanted him happy and went ahead with it. But now he had his fun and he want not to continue and I feel a little broken inside despite everything. He told me this today and I was blindsided and have not really had time to process my feelings. There is sadness. There is anger. I thought affairs were usually longer. So some confusion there as well. Some sense of foolishness in there too. I do not regret the affair. Only wish it would have gone on longer.

  145. Hi Anna, I am so glad that you are feeling better! I too have finally recovered myself. It was a long journey, but I think I am almost healed. I still think of mm and I miss him but my heart is healed. Now I think if he came back would I even want him?? He hurt me deeply. I remember when I first found this site I didn’t think I could make it through 7 seconds, 7 minutes, 7 hours, 7 days, 7 weeks! And here I am going into 7 months! I have not reached out to him and for someone who said he cared so much about me, he has not reached out to me. I guess it is a blessing. I can’t repeat the last 7 months! I am so glad I found all you lovely ladies who have helped me get to this point. I hope you are all feeling better as well. For everyone who is still in the beginning stages of nc, we have all been there and it does get better. I have cried so much over this I didn’t think I had any tears left in me. Love yourselves ladies enough to not be someone’s second choice or be hidden from the world! And remember that we are all here because our mm has either left us or they are giving us crumbs and we are left feeling dejected. We should never have to feel that kind of pain from someone who says they love us. Love is kind and compassionate, not hidden and painful. Be strong ladies, time does heal!

  146. Hello ladies . You know the one thing that always bothered me with these married man is how they chose to end the affair with us ladies. Some of us here got the proper closure but a lot of us got discarded and felt rejected by them which really hurts . I think these men are cowards but I also think they ghost us so they can keep the door open for them too return one day and they can say ( hey I never told you it was over you I just had problems at the home front I had take care of and you assumed it over and I didn’t care about you ) BS ! They know that ghosting mess hurt try doing them one day and they crying ! Also the married man don’t want break up with us in person because they don’t want to us crying and asking questions of why ? What did I do wrong ? Let me make it better ? So we don’t get the closure we want because men don’t want to see the pain and heartache in our face but I don’t think they truly want to hurt us they simply just try avoid the break up talk . Just my thoughts.

  147. JK you are so right!!! I know for sure something is going to come up…smh….something ALWAYS DOES!!!!

    Anna- very long and twisting path of ups and downs…heartache, jealousy, joy, happy, sad, low self-esteem…you question who you are…you do things to get an “I love you”. you become obsessed with his wife and wonder why he does this to her..wonder who she is? does she know? should I tell her? So many emotions to deal with…Im just tired…my heart had enough…. ohhhh the things Ive done for him..Not even his wife would do for him…when Im long gone, he’ll never forget me… but Im sure Ill forget him…I wish I had my own husband because I know I would be an amazing wife…

  148. Hi Anonymous 38 . I’m glad that you found that inner peace and is putting God first ! You know the longer you look at the married man social media pictures you don’t even let that phase you anymore . I hope that you stay on that right path because your healing girl ! ………………. Hi Kat . I’m sorry your struggling and in so much agony now right . But allow yourself to feel all that pain cry your eyes out and get yourself out that bed !! Stop letting the devil win ! You are a strong beautiful young woman and any man would be happy to have you . These affairs mess with our self esteem . But it will get better and it does take along time to recover from this . But you can do it tell God what you want and pray on it and release it to him. If you feel you need to talk to somebody talk to a pastor at church if you cannot afford a therapist but get all the support you need . Also get a journal I got one and it really helped me with how far I really came . Big Hugs and Positive Vibes.

  149. Anna . I’m so happy that you are feeling better ! I feel as if I’m coming full circle I feel like I had my last cry over my Ex Mm . The minutes turned to hrs and hours turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months now 9 months ! And boy has it been rough but I feel so detached from him as I know he is of me now . My memories of him are slowly fading away too much time has gone by I pretty sure he found another mistress by now . I feel like the forgotten woman but I now know how I got to this point in my life . I still struggle with being angry at him . But we must keep our faith and walk to the light . I hope you continue to stay strong !

  150. KAT – come on girl!! Pick yourself up beautiful lady. This MM is not worth your tears. I have bad days (yesterday) but today I’m ok.. it takes time but you need time away from him.. like permanent time away from him to focus on yourself.. all that energy put onto yourself instead. It does get easier. If you’re really really struggling I’m not one for mediating or self help books but hey I was desperate and they really do help. There’s a book called ‘the power of now’ stick with it (it’s hard going at first) but I started practising it and it really works. Stop asking for closure.. none of us women will ever get the Closure we want from these men trust me. What can they say ?
    I got an apology yet I still feel like there’s more to be said & there always will be but I choose to just let it be.. it’s exhausting.. the only way to ever get them to understand even the slightest bit of pain they put us through is to Cut them off!! Delete, block, the works, don’t give him any more of your attention. When you’ve reached 30 days go treat yourself and so on. But you won’t start to heal until you go full no contact.. and then when you’re healed keep that door bolted forever.. it’s the only way.
    You’ve got this.. tomorrow is another BRIGHTER day.

  151. Kat, expect that you may not get the closure you hope for. For me, an apology fr mm will not undo the hurt nor really provide any kind of closure. The relationship was based on dishonesty and lies. Allow yourself the time to grieve. This quote helped me…”You can’t skip chapters. That’s not how life works. You have to read every line, meet every character. You won’t enjoy all of it. Some chapters may make you cry for weeks. it. You will read things you don’t want to read, you will have moments when you don’t want the pages to end. But you have to keep going. Stories keep the world revolving. Live yours, don’t miss out.”

  152. Hi ladies, I will make my last post and say goodbye to you all. You were all very helpful in my healing. I am very sorry that I cannot share my whole story here, but it is more twisted than you can imagine. Basically, I was trying to understand both of them and was very sorry, but it turned out it was my fault that the man cheated during the entire marriage. I came to know that I was harrassing the man over years. But they dont matter. I would like to thank you for your support and for having patience with me even when I was harsh. Ana, Hayley, sorries most to you, I completely understand ups and downs within a single day, I went through it all. Nobody is worth the pain we went through and yes, I can finally say that she can have her cheating man. And yes, they suffer because they dont have self-respect much more than us. We were not saint, without pretending, but we are not less for making such mistakes. We were naive, yes. And caring, yes. But we have still some self-respect left because we tried hard to get out from something that we do not deserve, and we acknowledged the pain of the wives unlike them. So for those who cant stop thinking about those cheating men or are obsessing with their social media, fuck those things big time. Be descent and stay above their level. And for those who are in a love bombing stage of this torture and are lucky enough to see this site, this is the outcome. I am a living proof of that and all these women who spend their precious time suffering for some assholes. I do not want to visit this site anymore for the simple reason that I won’t give them that pleasure of ever mentioning them again. Not even that I will give them. I wish you recovering in every possible way and with all my heart. You can do this!!!💪

  153. Hi Bells Paws, Tricia, Jules, Anon38, KAT and everyone… it is a long and twisting path we are all on here and i don’t know if it ever ends for any of us but it does get better. The last week or so I’ve felt much better. I have things going on in my life.. not all of them are good, but I’m dealing with it on my own like I did before I met him, like I did during the affair and like I will continue to for the rest of my life. I’m allowing myself to truly feel things and I’m handing things. Maybe it’s the medication I’m on that’s helping too. Or maybe just time. I see signs of the old me coming back. I still think of mm. I don’t think I will ever stop thinking of him and I hope he thinks of me. But I’m glad I’m feeling better. There is hope so hang in there. hugs 🤗

  154. I have hit complete rock bottom. I can’t stop crying this is so rough. I wish I would have never met my mm. I’m struggling so hard. I keep telling my mm I’m not happy and I want a conversation to talk about everything I want closure and he says he’s dosnt want to argue and that he would message me today and I haven’t heard from him. I feel so broken I have literally been crying in bed all day feeling like time is moving so slow and the amount of time it’s going to take me to move on and heal from all of this. It will probably take me a year 🙁 I hope everyone else is doing better than me. Hugs

  155. Anonymous38, that is exactly how I feel. The devil kept presenting temptations to giving back in to mm’s invites. Things he knows I would love to have or would like to do. I have turned them down. I don’t want to his “blood money “. I would rather live without and live a righteous life going forward and be at peace knowing so.

  156. Jk thanks so much!! I never ever thought it would be so hard to move on from this…but Ive been praying harder so the lord can release this hold the MM has on me…he’s been opening my eyes and giving me strength…but the devil always has something up his sleeve to keep me in this terrible situation…whatever comes up next…Ill be ready to withstand it…I cant take it anymore…enough is enough…

  157. anonymous38, thank you for your comment. I want so much to get out of this relationship with my mm, but keep sliding backwards. I need to realize what you did, that I deserve so much more, and honestly, why do I really want to be with this cheating man so much? Learning to love myself is the hard part.

  158. Annie, the posts you will read on here state the first step to is ending the relationship and no contact. No contact is the only way to completely begin to detach . Otherwise you are not going to get out of this. Things will only get worse, especially if mm wife or your husband find out. Being neighbors makes things that much more difficult.

  159. Anonymous38, You are an inspiration for us ladies here. My past is very much the same and I know that’s why I hung on to this relationship. He constantly complimented me. But it wasn’t enough to leave her for me. Slowly but surely I am coming to terms with. I am putting one step in front of the other and moving forward with my life. I will say God works in mysterious ways. Friday I ended up going to a nearby city festival myself and listened to the band. A woman was sitting next to me by herself. I made some small talk with her. Next thing we were talking the rest of the evening. After 35 years of marriage she was getting divorced. She has been miserable. We sat together and shared each other’s company, if only for the evening. At the end of the evening we hugged. I told her I would keep her in my prayers, as with all the ladies on this site.

  160. MY mm is ny next door neighbor and I am friends with his wife. My husband and I do a social event with them weekly. My issue stems from the fact that my husband cheated on me in a long distance relationship for a few years. I took him back. But now I have this neighbor who gives me attention, who is passionate, and we have amazing chemistry. But obviously it needs to end. Like the article said, I won’t be his priority no matter what he says, how bad his marriage is, etc. Please help. I cry all the time and what sucks is that I see him all the time.

  161. hey ladies, I had wonderful weekend, so sorry to read about the ladies going through so much….I feel like Im getting stronger everyday, the more I think and dig deep as to why I would allow myself to be number 2….for so many years…I realized its an insecurity from my childhood, which spreads out in all areas in my life…school, work, church, etc, I feel like a failure…I thought that hey maybe this is all Im worth, Im not that pretty, I don’t make that much money, Im this, and that etc…I used to look at his wife like she deserves to be number 1, she’s beautiful, as a flourishing career, she’s popular…and Im just this boring homebody…like who would want me…and when he wanted me, I jumped at the chance, like yes finally….

    but now years later, this year actually, I looked myself in the mirror and said wow you’re actually an amazing person, you’re just as beautiful, if not even more beautiful, ambitious, and I have a lot going for myself, not fully where I want to be, but Im getting there…This weekend I took a good look at him in a picture and wondered how the hell did I fall for this fool, he’s not even my type…like what was I thinking?!?! I laughed so hard at what he had on-he looked ridiculous-also I looked at her facebook page again, I would usually get jealous or envious of the things I would see…but this time I wasn’t jealous or envious at all…more so apologetic in my heart…she doesn’t deserve this from me or him…God spoke to my spirit like why would you be jealous of this? of a man who cheats? and then the feeling instantly goes away…

    So ladies I promise you it gets better!!! not over night…but it gets better..you’ll soon realize that you deserve so much more….and these MM will take and take and take as long as we allow it…

    If people can call that love, than I don’t want it…these wives can have their cheating husbands…and their fake love…

    I’ll stay single until I Love myself so much that I dont get caught up in this trap EVER!!!!

    Happy Monday!!!

  162. Hi everyone, I was on here last year after my ex mm threw me under the bus and dumped me. Well guess what? I have not heard a peep from him, it has been a year and I never will reach out to him. I have been picking up the pieces of my life that had been shattered because of my backstabbing ex-mm. I found out 2 days after he dumped me and lied that he has a new young mistress. I am happy for him, I truly hope he is happy, he pretty much planned dumping me in order to get with this new fresh girl and threw me under the bus to the wife and told her I was stalking and calling him. When I never did, he was the one calling me every 5 minutes. I actually told him over and over again I wanted to break up but he cried and told me he couldn’t live without me. What bulls*t that was.. obviously its been a year and he has moved on, and he never loved me. I never ever ever want to hear from or see him again. He is dead to me, after all the years together he thought it was nice to lie to me. What do you expect from a lying cheating bastard? I learned my lesson and am working on forgiving myself for the part I played in this. I am working on forgiving him as well, not for him but for myself. Hope you are all well. Stay strong, I am an example of no contact for a year already. hugs.

  163. Hi Jules initially when I broke things off with mm in January I was only able to last 2 weeks without talking to him and felt sad and horrible and like how everyone else has posted how they felt. During that time I was in therapy and told my therapist about my situation with my mm and my therapist was so rude about it. Since then I’m seeing a new therapist and told her about it and all she has said is she thinks there’s something going on deeper within me. But I can’t really figure out what it is. I already have a background of anxiety and depression way before he came into my life. My dad did pass away 13 years ago but I don’t think it has anything to do with that. I feel like maybe it’s me not knowing who I am. I’m 28 and am still trying to figure out myself and where I’m going with my life. I don’t have all the life experience yet but I’m glad the (ART) therapy has helped you. I should look into it and see if my insurance covers it. I’m also going to listen to the TED talk you linked.

  164. Jules kudos to you for seeking therapy. I have an appointment in September too. I have been doing much better with it and praying a lot. Many of these relationships are extremely intense and deep when they end especially if its abruptly can be very traumatic and require intensive help. I lost weight, did not eat I couldn’t sleep. So, anyone who thinks these are just minor setbacks is WRONG. I hope it all goes well and we all recover from these MMS

  165. Bells Paws and all of the beautiful souls here,
    As you have seen in my posts over these past months, I have been angry, sad and ruminating over my ex mm.
    I have seen 2 therapists a week for the past 7 months and I am taking an antidepressant, but still my tears overwhelm me at least a few times a week. Kat, in January I was where you are now, in every way that you describe.
    I finally got desperate last week and made an appointment with a therapist who specialized in Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART). I have a friend who is a psychologist and she recommended that I try this trauma therapy.
    I arrived and within 5 min of meeting this therapist huge tears rolling down my cheeks. This is how raw my pain is….after 6 months! I spent 90 min with this therapist and I left exhausted but less attached to my pain over the mm. My insurance covered the therapy. I am going back again in 10 days. I am very a skeptical when it comes to treatment that is new and seems too good to be true, so I am waiting 2 weeks to see if my feeling better is just a placebo. Right now I have pain in my heart from the mm but I feel less overwhelmed by the feelings. At first I was not sure about even trying this because the therapy is for PTSD and my ex mm break up experience did not seem to warrant efforts for recovery that a combat veteran would need but….like I said, I was desperate. All of our experiences have a common quality to them with our ex mm but we are all individuals. The choice to try something like this is a very personal one and a choice that many would find overkill. For me, I needed help from the pain and ruminations.
    I care about all of you and I identify with your pain. I thought that I would share this with you in the hope that not only will this ART therapy help me, it might help one or some of you. Here is a TED talk by the therapist who developed this trauma therapy. I just want to feel better.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vP7dx03arxI

  166. Hi Kat
    You really need to do what is best for you because no man is worth your mental health. I loved my mm with all my heart but when I’ve had those dark thoughts and had to realize there was no way but down because he was not leaving and we kept coming back to the same place over and over again. NC is hard, very hard, because you miss them at first and all the up and down emotions and the habits of the relationship, most of which are very unhealthy and keep you isolated and down. You will start feeling better. You are young and deserve so much better. Give yourself time to get over this and you will find love again.

  167. Anna, Tricia, el at. I really relate to your stories. And its all very sad. There is something in all of us that has made us so vulnerable and needy towards these men and then to feel such huge loss and grief at the end. We all have our stories and i’m trying to examine myself and separate him from me and my issues. I ADORED my MM. But I know some of that stemmed from the fact I never had a father in my life and my MM who was older and fatherly met all my unmet needs. That was part of the huge attraction of him to me. I adored him totally and unconditionally, it was full pure love on my part. This meant that when it ended it was as if i’d lost my father all over again which is why i found it so painful and such a loss. I think my MM was a bit selfish (everyone is to some degree) but i’m working hard to try and stop myself blaming him too much and putting all my hurts and losses that stem from my childhood problems onto him. Having said all that, he was wonderful in every way- fatherly and supportive, loving, affectionate, warm, fun, reassuring. I just need to try and accept he’s married and to let go and try and resolve my own issues so i’m not so vulnerable and it won’t happen again . Don’t know if you can relate to any of this but it sometimes can help to try and understand what lies behind it a bit. Good luck girls, we’re all in this together finding our way along the twisting path….

  168. Hi Tricia thank you for your support. Yesterday and these next few days he’s off work and home with his family. Usually we don’t talk these days because he’s with them but I feel better when he’s gone and I’m not talking to him. But whenever he comes back to work and know he’s here in my town it’s hard not talk to him. I need to keep busy and realize I deserve so much better. I’m a young pretty girl with my whole life ahead of me and I’m settling for a fat older man and got wrapped up in this. I don’t know if I get ahead of myself with my feelings and emotions like I just need to take a step back and reevaluate my life and myself.

  169. Tricia,
    Being with my mm brought up old wounds from my childhood. My parents split when I was only 8 and my grandmother died the same year. I went to live with my mom and little brother in an apartment. I feel like I lost my whole family and I missed them so much. The last time I remember feeling happy or safe and not having to worry was back then before all that. I think what I am starting to understand about my situation with mm is that he recognized this vulnerability in me and it made him feel good to fill it as much as he could. But in not choosing me it has devastated me and reopened all the old wounds of my childhood. The complex thing of it all is that mm chose to stay with his family so how can I hate him for that when the loss of my family is what caused this deep void in me? These relationships are incredibly complicated and I don’t know why they ghost us instead of ending things properly. Maybe they feel as hopeless and helpless as we do. We have to keep working through out feelings and become stronger from these relationships.

  170. HI JK . You are so right you never know and I know that too . I was doing so well I just had sad moment and I also was read self help books and How men separated women in categories my one and only and one of many. And it just hurted to think that my Ex Mm was so detached from me that he would ghost me . How do a 58 yr old man not know how to properly end things ? I just have to stop everything even reading about relationship and so forward because it’s bring up painful memories that I cannot change. I’m have to put this to bed . …….,,,,,, Anonymous 38. Thank you for your support continue to stay strong . Positive Vibes ladies !

  171. Hi Kat . I been there . I remember every time I tried to break things off he wouldn’t let me but yet he was slowly fading out of my life the texts were far few and short . And as much as I cared for him I suffered in silence. This pain your going thru isn’t worth your sanity you are much stronger than you think yes when the relationship is over it hurts to and you go thru the motions . But you will start too feel better my recommendation is delete his number out your call log and all texts too anything with his number or Email then block him that will take away all the temptation to reach out I had to do that it took me too realize that he truly didn’t care about my feels to do it thou . Be kind to yourself we all hit rock bottom but the most important thing is we raise up and don’t stay there . Positive Vibes !

  172. Kat, Unfulfilling relationships bring the worst out in anyone. I spent many days/nights angry and crying when mm would go, as I referred to, incognito, and I would not hear fr him. All the times I needed him that he wasn’t there as a man that stated he loves me should be. That was the inner self crying out this relationship is destroying me..my dignity, my mental state, etc. Every one of us on this site is at the point of hitting rock bottom. That is why we are here. To stop the hurting and start the healing.

  173. I am so glad I cut the cord, blocked him and kept him blocked.. I’m doing ok.. in fact my anxiety is decreasing & I really do believe the reason I was on medication for anxiety was due to this situation. I’m feeling calmer, happier and more like the old me again. Of course I miss him it’s still early days but I aren’t obsessing over him this time and I’ve accepted it’s done. I feel relieved almost like a huge weight been lifted and I’m no longer taking his rejection personally. I’m starting to do more things for me like redecorating my entire house.. lol, I’m reading some self help books which make me change my train of thought and it’s all working.
    So ladies, if I can do this and feel this much better then you can all do it too trust me. You just have to take that step and believe you will move on.

  174. Hi Tricia sorry for the late response I been busy but I have more bad days than good days which i know is a huge sign of needing to get out. I lash out at him everyday through messaging because he’s simply too busy and dosnt make time for me. I am fed up and angry and this is really taking a toll on my mental health. I need to cut the cord so I can focus on fixing myself and healing. I have even had bad depressive thoughts. I’m so embarrassed and hate myself for staying around. I feel like I have hit rock bottom. Hugs ladies

  175. @xxx Right!!! he’d so the same thing…@tricia girl hang in there…Im crying with you…especially during the summer months…feeling lonely..HUGGGSSSSS!!!!

  176. Tricia, You (and me) are heading in the right direction by looking at the one thing we have control over in this situation and that is ourselves. It’s have done some soul searching as to why I allowed this situation to continue with mm. I also tried to understand why he did what he did, but I will probably never get closure because we can’t get inside mm’s head or understand their past. I have come to understand that there is a void on their end and on ours that filled what the other needed. Us ladies are on this site to not “fix” them but to “fix” us. I too dealt with issues of abandonment and feelings of being unloved as a child. That left many scars and a distorted view of what love is. On my last post I mentioned I saw mm at a local event. I am struggling with not knowing what he is feeling since. But then I realized he doesn’t know what I am feeling either. It’s truly better that way. I have cut him off all sources of communication. Reality is he could contact me if he wanted. He knows where I live. I prayed to God that I would not run into him and I did that day. I don’t understand why. As with things in my past it’s down the road the answer comes. I am just trying to hold onto my faith. I will end with that positive thought.

  177. HI ladies . Today I broke down cried over the heartbreak of my Ex Mm . I hadn’t cried over him in months I guess the thought of us being together this time last yr now I’m alone with all my thoughts. I read a post from this lady and she was talking about being (A man one and only and being one of many ) And she was say if you one of many chances are the man don’t have a emotional connection to you so you won’t get what your looking for . She went on to say think about how you got in that place and allow yourself to feel everything and go back to the place where you felt loved and was the happiest. Well I thought about it ….. it was when my mother was alive ……. and when she died I felt so alone and abandoned…… So every since then I always tried so hard to keep people in my life and accepted any kind of attention I can get . So when my sister died and I meant the married man since he was so kind and thoughtful to me before ( the actual affair started ) …. I just hung on to that for dear life because even thou I knew I couldn’t have him I didn’t want him to leave me so eventually the affair started and now it’s over . And I realize that I’m still that little girl that didn’t want to be alone . My father always told me a man know who to pick . And the married man knew my self esteem was low he saw right thru that . While I want to date again I’m so scared of the rejection I just have to let the grown woman come out and get rid of the fear but it so hard . And I still miss my married man IKR really ? Anyway I needed to share this . Stay Strong !

  178. Well sure they can fake it if one of them believes it is real.. and we know quite well how good actors these mm are.. But not to encourage you, 3 years wasting on that kind of actor is too long. Even 3 months is long.
    What your cousine said makes sense. But don’t think that he wouldn’t hate (envy) you too if you were in her shoes..

  179. hey XXX, its so hard to not trust what I see on social media..EXTREMELY difficult…my cousin knew about this affair..and he believes the MM hates his wife…LMAOOO..smh…cuz of the way he cheats….I said I wont believe it till he tells me for himself…couples cant fake it for so long….

    My cousin always believed that the MM loved me…I never ever believed it…ever!!! until he finally said it 3 years later for the first time…I was shocked…My love is real for him…Who knows how real is love is for me…

  180. And also regarding social media, I learnt from my mm many things, but most important I learnt is not to trust everything I see or hear. Sometimes people are the most genuine when they want to cover up for something else, or out of guilt. Or maybe it is indeed love. Men are capable of loving more than one woman in different ways at the same time. Crazy, I can’t even kiss another if I love someone..🙈

  181. I must agree with you Anonymous. Same situation here. There was nothing wrong with the wife, quite the opposite. But my story is like from a movie. My mm was something I won’t ever chance to meet again. I don’t know how it is to be addicted to heroin, but I am sure that I had the same symptoms, from addiction to withdrawal. I think you are pretty much over it, you have healthy thinking. Maybe it was just a validation or ego boost for them. But I clearly remember that mine was in love with me. I did not know it at the time, but I was told that he was more available to me than to the wife. His “love” doesn’t last long though. I think that in general he thinks that nobody can love him the way he is, and if yes, then sth must be wrong with those who do. So how lonely can it be.. He inflicted so much pain on everyone, but I really hope that he will get a second chance in life. How can I not wish that to the man I loved the most and who hurts himself too. Maybe I am naive for thinking so, but I prefer that than hating him. Tomorrow morning I will probably wake up angry though 😊

  182. Hey ladies I just want to say how much you all truly have helped me with all your posts. I know that we all feel sad but each one of you has helped me just by sharing and contributing your stories. I had no one to talk to when I found this site. And now I feel like someone understands. Thats all I wanna say. So thank you so much.

  183. Hi Anonymous 38 . My Ex Mm he is the one that post pictures his wife don’t post nothing but the clients she service at work and she blocked me along time ago on FB but really I think he did her status say single that to me say a lot but oh well . Never be jealous you are a lovely woman your day coming !! Some days I feel like I got hit by a car and was in a coma for 7 yrs and just got out 8 months ago . And trying rebuild my life again and bits and pieces come through my mind when I was with the married man and he was the one that hit me ! When people ask me when was your last Bf ? I can’t tell them ( oh he married and it been a 7 yr affair ! In other words I wasted 7 yrs of my life ! I cared for him deeply and he left me . And believe Ms . Hayley when she said they think of us they do but sometimes they pride and ego won’t let them say sorry or come back they know they messed up . And Jules that is wonderful you have something that preoccupying your time and you can look back on and smile your building a dream home !! And Bells Paw I know your hurting big time and nothing I can really say to make you feel better . But look at it like this you ( loved ,lived and learned from a great teacher ! And we never forget a great teacher and mentor! He set you free because he saw your worth as a woman and he couldn’t give you the love and commitment you deserve so now you are free to pursue true happiness. And Anna that goes for you too ! Even thou we gone ladies we aren’t forgotten by them ! So ladies Chins up !

  184. I recently posted I had a nice getaway with my daughter with little worry of running into mm/wife. This past weekend I was at a local event and there was mm! He was not with wife but she may have had to work. I did notice him wearing his wedding ring. I was with friends. I am certain he saw me and vice versa but neither acknowledged the other. It made it a little more tolerable not seeing her there but it still sucked. As I stated before, I know I can’t live in a bubble to avoid running into him. As many times as I have randomly seen him/her, it is still very uncomfortable. The awkwardness. that comes with a past relationship you are not over. I appeared to have handled things well, but we ladies on this site know how it was tearing my heart out. At least I have a place to share this. It helps to vent.

  185. In regards to findingmyway’s and tricia’s comment…I agree with both…but honestly in my case…My ex-MM has it pretty good…Social media may not give the full story…but it does say something…Out of curiosity I visited my ex-MM facebook page via a friends FB..scrolled through his timeline, I believe he’s happy and truly loves his wife…even though he cheats…I don’t know why he cheats, he never really told me…But I think it’s an insecurity, maybe he needs validation from multiple women…From what I see, his cheating has absolutely nothing to with her-she’s beautiful, she works hard, she cooks, she’s a new a mother-and Im sure she’s great at it, she has an overall good personality, I don’t know her personally cuz I would never do this a friend- but people always want to be around her…They seem to have a good relationship and a pretty happy life…And you know what!!! Good for them…

    Unless he says otherwise, Im going to have to believe what I see…I say this because you cant spend so much time with someone, doing so many wonderful things together, going out on date nights, surprising her with thoughtful gifts, they seem to just enjoy each others company….

    Outside of his cheating ways…I hope to have what they have one day…

  186. Tricia
    Thank you for your post… you really got me thinking and processing things about my own childhood and I grew up with cheaters in my family too. Once I overheard one of my family members talking on the phone about screwing around on their spouse behind their back. This person didn’t know I could hear their conversation and I remember how shocked I felt. Yet where do I end up? In a 7 year relationship with a mm… I think many of us have touched on factors from our childhood/upbringing and how we find ourselves in these relationships.

  187. Anonymous 38, Bells Paws and Tricia,

    Agreed with all 3 of you. So true. Bells Paw: “our MM want a bit more, a bit different and they are selfish to think they can do what they want regardless of their wife and someone else’s feelings. We come along and present the opportunity and they take it because their marriage is not so great as to not take what is on offer but by god its enough to stop them giving it all up.”

    Well said. My ex mm said repeatedly that he was an unfulfilled soul in his marriage until at the end I told him, “I don’t feel the least bit sorry for you. You would have it no other way except with the icing on the cake of sucking another woman’s soul right out of her body”.
    Ladies, keep moving forward into YOUR life and future. Your life means more than being a sexual crutch to improve a man’s life in the marriage that HE chose and HE still chooses to be in.
    Tricia you are so correct find a hobby or interest that you love. I am fixing up a house that I just bought. I spent yesterday take off wallpaper in a for 12 hours! maybe a 10 min break but the entire time working. It helped me so much. I had a few moments of tears welling up, then it passed. 5 and a half months since nc counting.
    Stay strong and if you feel inclined to reach out to him, think about what you would tell a woman you love: your sister, mother your friend. Would that be a good idea for them to reach put to their ex mm? What would you recommend to them? Care for yourself like that. I have used this technique in my most painful moments and it worked for me.

    Love to all of you on this website.

    Jules

  188. HI Kat . Been there where you are . Sit down and really think what you are getting out of this affair with this man . Do you have more good days then bad ? Do he ignore your texts most of time or he take them and texts or call you back ? You need to try and do NC and as you it’s hard as Hell because we are sound crazy sort of addicted to this man ? But eventually Kat he is going to leave you and I hope that he does it respectfully and not ghost you . These men just want options they wanna use us when it’s convenient for them but when we want or need them different story . I don’t know if you have an outlet or Hobbie ? But if not find something creative to do that help me. I just started doing braiding hair and I really like it . Anyway good luck and stay positive !!

  189. one last comment before I go to bed….Ive never ever wanted my MM to leave his wife for me…he would do the same thing to me that he’s doing to her….I wouldnt trust him one bit…

    why I stayed for so long?! idk…maybe to prove that I was good enough….lonely? bored?
    maybe he did some type of voudou on me…cuz Im at the point like what did I ever see in him?
    maybe cuz he was my first…

    after all that being said…he is a great friend…but not a good husband…

  190. happily married men don’t cheat…not for fun, not because they’re bored, etc…

    I have a male friend who cheated on his wife for years…my friends and I always wondered why? if he was so happy and content with his wife..than one day he finally admitted he wasn’t happy with her…I believe there is a reason why they cheat…it could be an insecurity…its always something…

    another story, my friend wasnt attracted to his fiance so he cheated, but her family threatened his life…so he married her anyway…

    but at this point I really dont care why they do it…all these wives could have their cheating husbands…I believe most of them know…but turn a blind eye..or ignore their intuition…and go on social media and post picture perfect family life…while the husband un-tags himself from all those pictures…but thats non of my business…

  191. The trouble with my MM and I imagine a lot of others, is that his marriage wasn’t perfect, it had its problems, but it was good enough and to let it go would mean losing out on so many other things- the whole social network, the lovely big house, the stability and routine, finances, the family life, all the established connections etc. To get a divorce is no little thing and the marriage has to be really intolerable and rock bottom to make a guy do that. But in most of our cases, its just our MM want a bit more, a bit different and they are selfish to think they can do what they want regardless of their wife and someone else’s feelings. We come along and present the opportunity and they take it because their marriage is not so great as to not take what is on offer but by god its enough to stop them giving it all up. My MM was a totally selfish git. He took everything from me, knowing damn well how much i invested in it and knowing damn well he could and would offer nothing back, he just took it for as long as I gave it, but at the end of the day he was 100% committed to his wife and family and never told me otherwise. My issue is, i respect his commitment but if that is his decision then he should stick to it and not screw around as well, hurting and disrespecting other people in the process for no reason. In the end that wonderful all lovely guy I fell for turned into a selfish, heartless, uncaring old man who was capable of cheating and lying to everyone to have his way. I’ve paid the price massively but i’ve learnt my lesson. Next time i so much as get a whiff of a MM i’ll be running for the hills ….

  192. HI ladies . I remember when I was young I had uncles that would cheat on their wives and my father would be talking to his brother and ask him ( man why are you cheating? You have everything you want beautiful wife who still loves you and a nice house financially U guys are good they traveled around places all the time . His brother responds ? Man I love wife it’s just the other woman supplies a different need . You know I ain’t leaving my woman and starting over I’m just having fun ) I had three uncles that did this One did leave his wife for about 6 months and went back to her because he said he it wasn’t worth it and he never cheated again . Sometimes men have no reason to cheat and sometimes nothing is wrong at home or they wives . They just some low down dogs !!! Some men cheat because the opportunity presents its self and they just wanna have sex with somebody other then they wife it just simply make them feel good . And if somebody married truly wanted out their marriage they know what to do . They just don’t want to because they still get something out of being married. So again marriage ain’t always good and pictures don’t represent the truth . But it shows us ladies that these men are just fine or context with their home life . And we must remember that . I I’m truly ashamed of myself for devaluing myself because growing up I witnessed how men would treat the other woman. And I still care for my Ex mm ? Omg ! Anyway ladies I just wanted to talk .

  193. I’m grateful I found this website and to realize I am not alone in this horribly painful situation. I am sorry though that you are all going through this, or have gone through this before. I have never been in such a difficult, painful and soul crushing relationship before. What dating a mm has done to me over these last three years is awful. He is someone I’ve known since high school, in fact we dated briefly in high school. He approached me three years ago to meet and get caught up. Just the beginning, but honestly I was completely naive about his intentions. He made it seem as though he was very unhappy with his marriage and I honestly felt he was heading towards divorce. So we started seeing each other. After a year or so I knew he was never going to leave, but I was in too deep. We’ve broken things off, each of us, more times than I can count. It never sticks. He’s become my best friend as well as more, and vice versa. I feel trapped in a way because I don’t know how to let him go. Kay below mentioned feeling crazy because of the anger and depression. I understand that so well. My self worth is close to rock bottom wondering what is so wrong with me that he won’t leave? I ended things, again, with him this past Thursday. I immediately started going back and forth between panic and relief. We talked briefly after that and he’d like to try to remain friends. We are taking a few days off to think about things. I am going to tell him no. Obviously it will just lead down this painful path again. I want out of this situation, but I’m so incredibly sad I’m losing him. BTW, I never thought in a million years I’d be in this situation. Reading your comments really helps me feel less alone, so thank you for sharing.

  194. @findingmyway you speaking so much truth!!!!! Ive heard stories like that before…sometimes its so hard to believe something could be wrong…but in reality a man having an affair…something is definitely wrong ..

    A friend of my sister told her in every single vacation picture posted on social media with her husband they were arguing…

    So we definitely can’t look at pictures…it was hard for me to seperate social media from reality…so I unfollowed her…

    Watching her social media hurt my self-esteem, made me envious, jealous, etc…would messed up my day…it was time for me to let go…Im glad I finally did…XXX helped me with that lol…

  195. Xxx – At what point have I said I wish him unhappiness? And of course I want him to miss me regardless of how it ended I think we all want to be missed by them. I do hope he finds happiness so he never puts anyone else through this but the reality is he won’t suddenly find it in a marriage he’s currently been unhappy in for 17 years but that’s not my problem.
    I wanted an apology and I got one, we had a hug and now it’s done. I’ve finally accepted the situation that he will never leave her and decided it’s not for me to continue any further, It was left amicable. I still have mixed feelings though as he’s hurt me so whilst I do wish him well I do hope that he misses me. I don’t see anything wrong with that. I think it also helps alot of women here who are struggling to realise that they will be missed rather than just disregarded.
    I guess when I get to the point of indifference I won’t care either way but I’m not quite there yet, I will be though.

  196. @Findingmyway, it is the best comment here in a while.
    @Kat, in my experience that what you have now is the devaluation stage big time. That is how he will pull away and leave you even more anxious and heartbroken. But you can turn things around and start ignoring him. If you can keep with that forever, that would be the best thing. Unfortunatelly, these people do twist your reality and it is difficult to get out. Even we who did get out have troubles processing everything what happened and still are shocked. Try to turn to yourself and enjoy other things in life.
    @Hayley, I am not sure what to tell you. You are all the time contradictory with your mm. You ended up long hugging him and now when he is gone, you still have that need to emphasize how they will miss us. Like you wish him to be miserable and unhappy. Why did you then long hugg him? I am contradictory to, PTSD I guess, but to wish him unhappiness so I can feel happy…big no.

  197. I just wanted to respond to the many many comments on here referring to stalking social media and how happy/perfect/loving etc. the ex AP and his wife look. First, I know it is hard to not obsessively do this but you have to do try hard to stop. Take a complete hiatus from social media if possible (its healthy for lots of reasons). Second, and this is most important, DO Not for a second assume what is posted on social media is real or accurate. The fact he was screwing you while with her is proof that something was /is seriously wrong (with him or their marriage or both…) I just had a heart wrenching lunch with a friend who is desperately trying to leave her husband and story after story of how bad their relationship was. However, that night she posted their recent family vacation pics where they all looked happy and having a perfect life. Social media (Facebook aka Fakebook) does not represent reality. Stop torturing yourselves! This is hard to believe at times I know but feel relieved you are free now. You don’t have to go through the trauma of rebuilding your life and knowing your husband did this terrible awful thing to you. You don’t have to be stuck with trying to forgive the poor excuse for a man because you have kids and a mortgage with him and you are so conflicted as you love and hate him at the same time. You, dear ladies, dodged a bullet. I hope we all have a great weekend and run into some hot, single guy! Or at least just have fun doing what we want, spending time with the people who love us, and moving forward with hope for our futures because they are so much brighter than our pasts.

  198. Hi Everyone.
    I am actually feeling great today, which shocks me, as I know mm will be here today. But I woke up this morning and the sun is finally shining and I decided I was going to dress up for work and it has totally changed my frame of mind. I miss him less and less. I did cry yesterday and today I am thinking why?? It has been 6 months and I’m still crying over him? What’s wrong with me? I am no longer mired up in something that was hurting someone else. I have my dignity back. I no longer wait for calls or texts that never come. I no longer have to think about him on holidays with his wife while I sit here alone. I no longer am waiting for the other shoe to drop and have him leave me. This was a huge thing for me. I am happy again! I am out doing the things I love and I think I am finally ready to date again! i hope all you ladies who are still struggling will be able to turn the page. I may still have bad moments but I am going to stop them by thinking he is just a liar, a cheater and a coward who broke up with me over text message! Stay strong ladies! Hugs to all and positive vibes!

  199. I got the apology!! He turned up on my doorstep last night to apologise in person as he felt I deserved that. He asked if we could remain friends I told him no. I stood my ground and told him I was adamant it was over between us. I will not be his forever fallback girl. We had a long hug and he promised to never ever contact me again. I’m tempted to change my number just incase.
    I feel ok.. slightly emotional but ok. I won’t be changing my mind I’m ready to put all of it behind me now I just know it will take time and I must take care of myself.
    We have to remember when we are struggling and seeing happy pictures on social media ( stop looking trust me ) that these men stepped outside of their marriages for a reason and those reasons do not just disappear. Yes he may feel relief for while but it won’t last and the same feelings he had before will return especially if he’s been married for a long time. Marriages do not magically become great! So we have to cling onto this and tell ourselves and remember that yes he’s decided to stay with her and not us but now they’ve lost us and only have her. Doesn’t this make them the losers and not us? Cause we will move on eventually and he will be stuck in the same old situation and will start to miss us. Goodluck with that I say!!

  200. Does anyone feel like these mm make you crazy. I don’t know if I have another mental illness besides anxiety and depression to where my emotions are so up and down or if it’s from the situation with my mm. Everyday I feel angry and unhappy and I get upset with him because he dosnt have enough time for me. He is a cop. I think Taylor you said your mm is a cop too. He’s always working and I’m stupid waiting for his replies. And some days it’s only 2 messages a day which isn’t enough for me and I lash out at him and feel crazy. Same thing happened last night and he just said he was really busy working and that he’s sorry and he’s not ignoring me but I know it will be the same thing it’s just a cycle of him saying that and not changing or making time for me and then me getting upset but I guess it’s my own fault for staying. I remember other women on here have said they had angry and upset feelings as well. I keep wondering if I just let him go and do NC if I will feel better and not be upset and angry everyday.

  201. I read my first comment here from almost ten months ago. I wrote it when I first found out that the mm sold me down the river and I was desperate to talk to someone. After that he managed several times to reel me back into the game because I wanted to believe him. What a crap all that. I remember one time when I was sitting on the street, basically sat down on the street and cried. I was yelling at him for making me lose documents and miss appointments. I was a wreck. It is amazing how much I’ve accomplished this year after his discard and how much my concentration improved. I think it is worthy to make these comparisons in order to re-assure ourselves that their absence is not as tragic, on the contrary.

  202. Leigh Ann, my mm would tell me the same thing…. I was his world, no one has made him feel the way I do. He felt “alive” with me. I have his heart, he can’t live without me….
    I believed it all. It wasn’t enough to end his marriage. I will say and say again the lesson I have learned…trust your instincts when something/someone doesn’t appear truthful. Actions speak louder than words.

  203. Bells Paws,
    I hated this too. I’d get the same things.. he’d go away on weekends to the mountains or weeks at the beach or overnight trips. At first he tried to be more sensitive to my feelings telling he he hated having to tell me because he knew it hurt me but then slowly all that changed, he became insensitive about it, saying he deserved to live his life and go away on vacation. It was like he resented me having normal feelings. He wanted to have everything and me have nothing. He got to go do all these things as a couple and I had to sit there alone waiting on him to drop me a few crumbs. I hated when he used “we” statements.. “we” do this and that or “we” went here or there. I became less tolerant, I began to push him harder for things he couldn’t give….ultimately we all just deserve so much better than these clowns.

  204. @JK, yes i used to hate that too. He told me about his married couples doing coupley things and his best mates going away with their g/f on holidays etc, it made me so miserable hearing all this. We could do nothing coupley together, go nowhere, do nothing. It was so awful. But i wonder how could he think I didn’t want the same too and how could he think for one minute i was ok with all this? Who would be? its so unnatural and unhealthy. Much as i adored him, i always felt so hurt and lonely too, so deprived of what everyone else had, in the end I began to feel resentful- towards him and towards others who took for granted a life as a couple while I was so denied it

  205. He used to tell me he was going away for a long weekend- Thursday eve until Monday eve, and would probably be ‘off air’ for most of the time . I absolutely hated it. I’d wait all weekend and hope maybe he’d find 30seconds to message me, but of course he didn’t . Monday evening i’d hope for a message when he got home, of course there was nothing. Then Tuesday ‘we had a wonderful weekend.’ It was so hurtful. I hated it so much. So I’m free of all that, but still he hurts, the way he knowingly took so much without giving anything back . He knew he hurt me. And now, nothing at all. That’s how much he cared. He could let it go just like that. What is it about us that lets this happen? we give so much and hurt so much, and they just take it all and end up completely unscathed, just loving life.

  206. I agree JK, we have to forgive ourselves because it is SOOOO easy to beat ourselves up about why we did it and how we believed things that really we should not have, how we lied to ourselves and let ourselves stay in a dysfunction doomed to fail relationship. We must forgive ourselves, be good to ourselves, and find a way to heal and move on from it, And, always remember how this feels. So, we never ever get involved in anything like this again.

  207. I got away with my daughter for a few days. It was a place there was little to no chance I would run into mm/wife. Something I really needed! While I did not dwell on mm specifically, I naturally observed couples and it helped remind me what I didn’t have with him. Couples taking pictures/selfies, being together. Of all the things mm and I did together, not once was a picture taken of me and/or him. A common feeling is ladies have shared is being upset with ourselves for what we allowed. I feel the same. But we ladies need to forgive ourselves and no longer settle for crumbs and believe we deserve better!

  208. Hi Ladies, I am reading some of your posts and I noticed Bells Paws and I can really feel your agony due to the 6 weeks of NC. Mine was a week and it was insane. We spoke very briefly and just to give it a proper ending and that is it. It was gratifying to at least say what I had to say and to have a conclusion. Does it hurt yes yes yes, but I am more upset with myself because I keep asking why did I even get involved with an M.M there were so many signs that he was never going to leave, never going to give me any more than a slice of his life? So, while I dont know about you ladies but I am more frustrated with myself. I am planning on talking to a therapist because I really don’t ever want to make a mistake like this again ever the pain is too difficult and its so excruciating when its over.

  209. Hi Nomad,
    My mm blocked me on Instagram. In fact, he had me blocked the ENTIRE time we were together. WHY? Did he not want me to see pics of him and his wife together living their perfect life because I would come unglued and hurt him? Was he worried I would comment something under his pics and mess up his perfect life? These men know what they are doing and they are trying to stay one step ahead of they game and control the damage they are doing to everyone’s lives.

  210. Hi Ladies:
    I think I know why this is weighing on me. This would have been the week he would have been in town and we would see each other for a few days. And now I spend my time thinking about him in his hotel room alone. I wonder if he even thinks about me while he is here. Does he miss me? Does he want to talk to me? Or is he just perfect, come to town, do the business he had to do and get on the plane home without a second thought about me, while I sit and cry. Thank you Tricia for saying he respected me enough to set me free. That helped, because I know that many of the ladies here were just discarded so cruelly. This time is particularly difficult because it would have been the anniversary of our first date. Does he think about that? I know that I am crazy to even still feel this way. It has been so long now, but somehow I still have those feelings. I really want to believe that you are right KC in that he doesn’t contact me because it’s his way of dealing with it. Anna you are so right we have come so far. I remember so clearly the times that we were breaking down at work, the days we didn’t think we could make it through the day and here we are months later and finally not hurting and breaking down as much. Hayley you are so right, having read all the posts there is not one happy outcome here and that does speak volumes. I think there was a time when my mm thought he could leave as well but after about a year it was clear that he couldn’t do it. And honestly I never asked him to leave. I believed that if he wanted to leave he had to do it for himself not for any other reason. I would never want to break up a family. At one time he said his situation couldn’t change he wished it could but he just knew it couldn’t. I never pushed on him to explain, but I got the idea. I guess at that point I should have just said good bye but by that time I was emotionally invested. I guess deep down I thought if he got more attached to me he would reevaluate his life. How stupid was I? He told me every time that he loved me more than I knew and that I made him so happy. He never had to pretend to be someone he wasn’t with me, it was easy. That he had a reason to get up in the morning… I don’t even know what to believe any more. I just know that it ended with me in tremendous emotional pain and tears tears tears. I know I have to keep moving forward and just live the best life I can. Thank you to all you ladies who have supported me through this and have given me so great insights. Hugs and positive vibes to keep moving forward.

  211. Bells Paws – it’s better that he doesn’t reach out to you trust me.. a few messages and you’re back to square one. We all want them to reach out to just ‘check in’ mines done it a few times.. where does it eventually lead? Back to the tears, the agony every single god damn time. Nothing changes.. it’s easier when they don’t contact you.
    Ladies – seems daft but there is a No Contact app you can download on your phone.. it just gives you quotes and reminders for when you’re feeling weak. It’s stopped me a few times. We will get there.. im back on only day 4 but feeling stronger than ever and determined to never speak to him again. No more tears.. yayyyyyy. Even if I get the apology I want (which I won’t) I’ll screen shot it then delete with no reply.
    Keep going strong ladies. There is not one happy ending on this forum.. it says it all really doesn’t it.
    Remember: No Mud, No Lotus. In other words we have to get through the mud before we can grow and blossom. I have this written down on my fridge, bathroom mirror, everywhere. Daft but It helps so much.

  212. Anna,
    I love what you have posted “he sadness will turn to anger and then to self reflection. We may jump back and forth between the stages for awhile. All of these stages are necessary for healing. One day we will wake up and realize we are so glad it’s over.”

    Tonight, I shifted from sadness to anger because I just found out accidentally that he blocked me on whatsapp! How could he? why? I know we have discussed this blocking business before but it is coming to 5th month and why am I blocked? or he totally forgotten he blocked me? if he deliberately blocked me, is it because he hates me or he fears me? is there a need to block me? NO! I have never harassed him. Is he even thinking that I will reach out to him when i started to miss him and he slaps me with this blocking shit to punish me. It hurts! help! When is the day when i will wake up and realise it is over?! I am still thinking of this person every day! I am accountable for letting myself affected by this shit, just when I thought I have been healing well. Just one trigger and I plunged into anxiety! This is terrible.

    DEEP BREATH!

  213. Leigh Ann

    You asked “how long was the longest you have gone? It has been 6 months now and it was the first time we have ever gone nc”.
    I have started nc since jun 2017 and for shamelessly countless times. However, there were 2 episodes of longest nc whereby he totally MIA. 1st: Sep to Nov 2018. Dec 2018 we tried but he ghosted me. 2nd: Mar 2019 and ongoing, coming to 5 months.

    I am having a hard time tonight. One of my ex colleague whatsapp showed his profile pic yet when I checked on my phone, I couldn’t see his profile pic. The only explanation is that he blocked me. I have been blocking him since 1 Mar 2019. Occasionally, I checked and I last checked was in May whereby I suspected I was being blocked by him. Tonight, I felt horrible because he is blocking me. Why? there is no need to fear that I will haunt him and expose or blackmail him; or does he hate me? does he feel disgusted whenever he thinks of me hence need to cut me off? Why is he blocking me? it hurts my ego really. So I haven’t been checking on his whatsapp status and stopped stalking his W on fb but tonight I went berserk, seething in anger, yes, just when I was so proud of myself, making good progress, attaining inner peace and indifference blah blah. I have been fooling myself OMG! I have the urge to contact him and I want to see him, I hope to see him looking bad, living worse. But I think I have been replaced and he is a happier man at home. I have a hunch that when he sees me, he will be relieved that the nc saved him. I will never get a truthful answer. I will never know what’s in his mind and it is not important anyway. What’s more important is what is on my mind. How quickly i need to snap out of this!
    It is such an humiliation if he is blocking me forever. I will not beat myself up letting curiosity killed me.

  214. Hi Leigh Ann,
    Your story seems very similar to mine. I got divorced 3 years ago and then threw myself into fire by getting into a 2.5 year relationship with a mm that I used to work. We talked every single day, all day. It was like we were addicted to the banter back and forth. He made me very happy (or so I thought at the time) compared to what it was like in my marriage. For the first year he debated whether or not to leave his wife, but after time went by I realized he wasn’t going to. He told me he would sacrifice his happiness so that he wouldn’t dismantle his family. But like you, it would drive me crazy when they would go on vacation, if I didn’t hear from him by a certain time, being alone on holidays knowing he was with his family, and I would ALWAYS accommodate his schedule. We have tried to go NC several times and the longest we have lasted is 2.5 weeks. We just decided the other day to break it off again. I feel that every time it gets easier. This time I’m not losing sleep and crying all the time. I firmly believe that this is it. I’m tired of being alone, whether its spending holidays, going away alone or just coming home after work and having no one to talk to. It’s OUR turn to be happy. And CONGRATS to you for going 6 months!! That’s a huge accomplishment!!! Don’t for a second think that the reason he hasn’t reached out to you is because he doesn’t care. I’m sure he does-it’s just his way of dealing with it. And most likely he’s probably thinking the same of you. Thanks for sharing your story and keep moving in the right direction!

  215. Hi Leigh Ann,
    I think that’s the reason that the healing is so hard is because of the way they leave. They have these great romances with us and share so much with us, they make us feel all these amazing feelings and then they disappear. For me it was worse than if he died, honestly. Because I’m left with so many questions and no answers.

    We had a period of almost two years NC. 😳Now it wasn’t fully NC, we did exchange a few drip drop emails and I saw him a few times. But mostly NC for that period of time. Then one day he showed up on my doorstep out of the blue. So in my experience they do come back but it’s always on their terms like everything else.

    You and me have come so far, Leigh Ann. When we were first on this site we were both crying all the time. We couldn’t even make it through one day. We are both super strong now. I think we are more just trying to navigate through our lives after the breakup because life isn’t the same now. Honestly I still miss him. I miss talking about everything for three hours a night. That was our time every night. It just kills me that he was able to cut me off so easily like I didn’t exist. I still think of him too and I understand what you’re going through. ♥️

  216. Hi Anonymous. I agree with you it just a picture . But if a picture could talk for the married couple it would say yes we have problems but we are still married and working out our issue and still committed to one another . The married man is content where he at and that is reality . And sometimes it take us to see that so we will stop fantasizing about a life with them as painful as it is . Leigh Ann . What you need is a morale booster ! You need to get out and flirt with some man you still got it ! But when these men leave us and take our self esteem with them ? Try on line dating just for fun ? I don’t think we ladies are never gonna know if these men had genuine feeling for us . I think we just miss the companionship of a man and that is what we long for the most and the fear of us being alone drives us back to the married man . After all who really miss a man who ghost us and give us the silence treatment when ever he feel like it and you cannot make plans with them anyway ! I remember every time I saw my Ex mm I would run to him it didn’t matter about the time apart and NC that why I’m staying away . Leigh Ann your married man care about you enough and respect you not to string you along and continued to use you he set you free so you can pursue a healthy loving relationship with somebody who can give you what he knew he couldn’t. Stay strong I know it’s hard but like you said you are a strong woman. And Anonymous. Girl you got this !!!!

  217. Its been nearly 6 weeks NC for me. Its very painful . I really miss him and I long for him sometimes until it hurts. But I am absolutely determined not to contact him, i want to hold on to my pride and dignity after how much he has hurt and played with my emotions. The other thing that stops me breaking the NC is I know there is no point- it will be for nothing, his situation will never change. And i don’t want him to know how hard its been for me to let go and what a loss it feels, while I know he’s not missing me and is busy living his great life. All that said, it would mean a lot to me if he reached out to me, if he asked how I am, showed some care and concern. But i also know he never will. And that hurts too.

  218. Saz-I know right…I don’t know how they do it either…Ive had an unhealthy obsession with the wife’s social media as well….I got tired of it so I unfollowed….

    Tricia- I don’t know if looking or stalking their social media shows where his heart is etc…it’s just pictures portraying a life that doesn’t really exist…

    not to excited about highlight reels anymore…because I have close friends who are married…and married people go through hard times…

    Saz- unfollow them both, for me it was too much heartache, always comparing myself, jealousy, envy, all those feelings plus more…

    But one day I imagined would I really be in love with him if he were all mine? or am I just in love with a fantasy?!

    Right now I feel like I don’t want him, she can have her cheating husband…..I truly believe one day she will find out…and he will lose everything, even me…By then I will be long gone…and HAPPILY MARRIED…in the name of Jesus!!!

    ANYWAY…back to my homework….just had to say some things…ill be back Thursday…due to my procrastination with my homework, I have to do an all nighter of writing…pray for me ladies…Im very insecure about my writing…hanging on by a piece thread in this class..sigh…but God is still good…

    Ill leave you all with this meme I saw recently- Social Media has created jealous behavior over illusions. Sadly some are envious of things, relationships, and lifestyles that dont exist.

  219. Annoymous – i totally agree. No I wouldn’t want to be in the wifes position. I just don’t understand how these men can cheat and then go home and play happy families as if they’ve done nothing wrong.

    Checking his and the wife’s social media is a big struggle for me, i’ve tried to stop but its turned into an unhealthy obsession. I agree that in order to go full NC i need to stop this.

    I find it upsetting that some of you on here have been in NC for a long period of time but are not fully over the MM. i hope it is possible for us to meet an unattached man one day and move on. Xx

  220. Hi Xxx . This may sound crazy to you ? But I think it helps to visit the married man social media page because it going to help you see where his heart is his life and his whole world and let you see his wife do exist and he is somebody husband . Now don’t look at his page everyday No ! But every time you think of going back to him let that be your reality check because lord knows it was mine ! Every now and then my married man will call me blocked he know he messed up with me and I’m tired .

  221. Hi Ladies: I know that I am sliding backwards by asking this but I have been curious. Of all the ladies who have gone nc before, how long was the longest you have gone? It has been 6 months now and it was the first time we have ever gone nc and as far as I have come in rebuilding my life there is still that part of me that wishes he would reach out just once. My life is good now and I’m happy and overall pretty much healed. It has been a while since I have cried about him, but I just can’t stop thinking about him. I feel like you Tricia, if I had a boyfriend I would hope that I would stop thinking about him. There is also the part of me that is terrified that he would reach out to me and just mess me up all over again. My friends tell me I would be stupid enough to go back to him. I have heard that they reappear just when you have managed to rebuild your life and are pretty much healed. I continue to move forward even when sometimes it’s hard. I am a strong woman and I have managed to get through many painful situations, but this one continues to plague me because deep down I miss him like crazy. I want to stop the hurt and the missing him.

  222. It is truly hard to understand because a normal person would miss someone they shared so much with. But I don’t think these men are normal… getting back to the narcissistic thing. I have concluded that mine does not miss me and was able to go on with his life like I never even existed. Sometimes I wish I would at least get a letter from him with an apology for all the hurt he caused me. At least it would show me he had some empathy. But I know it will never happen.

  223. Hi Saz, I understand your reason for asking that, we all hope to be missed. But that is not the point of NC. The pont is to heal. As for will he miss you, there are many factors involved. They will remember you of course, but it is a whole lot different situation when the mm happens also to be a narcissist. When he is, you realize that him being mm is just a minor thing to deal with in comparison to everything else.
    And indeed stop visiting their social media, that is as if it is no real NC.. good luck

  224. SC, that is very difficult to say because each one is different even though they have the same general patterns due to their secret life that they want to conceal. I think some want to KEEP their o.ws permanently and will fight the whole NC very strongly. But if they want to end it and or they feel that the ow is really going to jeopardize their program at home they don’t care how the OW feels. I honestly don’t think they care when the NC happens and they are not that concerned about how you are dealing with it. I think most are very selfish actually all of them who are doing this are selfish and whatever is hurting them they are focused on that, so it just varies but if they want to maintain the other relationship they do care about going NC but its still back to their selfishness. Like I have said here before, they only can offer us crumbs and even when I miss him or desire him I say ok what will be different in the end. Nothing, I think you are doing right even though it can be hard to go on with your life.

  225. Hi Saz . I don’t really know what they miss frankly ? I think it depends on how your married man really felt about you and if it’s was pure and genuine relationship to him . I been out of my affair for 8 months I really don’t think he have a desire for me or care either I have come to terms with that . It’s just sad the damage these relationship does to our self esteems there always a underlying pain in your heart .Even when it’s over. Anyway good luck on your N/C and your healing .

  226. Hey saz, trust me I know it hurts to think they just used us and threw us away…but we all just need to sit and think for a moment…would we really want to be in the wife’s position with a husband that cheats,…I know their lives look amazing on social media and we wish we could have what they have…but is it real? A man that cheats, does he really love and respects his wife? Or has he become comfortable with a portraying lifestyle that really doesnt exist…

    Saz it took me a long time to get this place….I used to stalk their social media pages…envying, wishing, etc…and wondering how could he still cheat on her, if they have amazing lives together…I kid you not, everyone gushes over their pictures, their pictures get at least 100+ likes…comments are always “power couple” or “when love looks good” or “the two of you are so perfect”….what people dont see is what goes on behind close doors…imagine if they really knew….hmmmm…so dont really get bent out of shape over high light reel instead of what is real life…remember it only takes a few seconds to snap a picture..

  227. Do you think when we go NC the MM miss us or even think about us? I’m on 1 month of NC at the moment but every time I view his social media profiles ( i know this needs to stop) he seems to be getting on fine with his life and looks perfectly happy with his wife. So it makes me wonder if they even care that we’ve gone NC…

  228. Hi beautiful ladies!! I guess I am “lucky” in regards to Hayley’s questions about if mm’s are capable of apologizing. My mm DID apologize over and over and over when I met him at the park last week when he said we had to break things off. So, in that regards, I DO feel he truly is sorry for everything that happened. Many reasons though, including the fact I’m sure he is sorry that he no longer has a mistress to full around with!! But beyond that, I don’t really think he meant to intentionally hurt me. We got caught, he got scared, and ultimately ended up doing what he felt was best for him.

    I agree with Sad in Love, they will never totally let us go. Until we change the script, they know we will keep running back to them. They have this hold over us, that we need to break. I am SO far from breaking that hold tho….. I still go from being really really sad, to angry, and everything in between. :-(

    Anna- you are right, I know that nc is the best way to go, very hard tho!! And it really sucks for we live just a mile or so away from each other. So the odds of us running into each other are very high. I had a feeling in my gut I was going to run into him and his wife on Saturday, unbelievable gut feeling and I did!! I still don’t know if it was wrong or right of me to go into that restaurant…..but at the time, I was hurt, angry, really didn’t know what I was doing, and hell just felt like it was what I needed to do at the time. And again, if anything, it was the HUGE reality check that he was out to lunch with his WIFE!!

    Tricia- I am sure it hurts deeply for him to walk away like that. YOU are strong, and hope things get better for you soon!!

    Leigh Ann- I am so sorry you are struggling!! You ARE strong too, you have gone through a lot and have to keep moving forward and continue to focus on YOU!!

    BIG hugs to everyone and positive vibes that we can all keep pushing through! For me it’s been one week, which seems like ONE YEAR!! But, I am inspired by ALL of you and thank goodness for this website!! HUGS!!! ♥ ♥

  229. Hi Sad in Love,
    I’m sorry you are stressed out and upset. You wrote before about the drip drops of communication and how bad that sucks and it does!
    Before me and my mm went NC he was doing the same to me and it was excruciating because he was trying to make the marriage work. He was sending me casual emails here and there and it was worse than NC because of the contrast to the communication we had before when we were so in love where communication was constant. I agree that NC is best for healing to take place. I wish there was another way.
    Good luck and positive vibes

  230. I never got a sincere apology. In fact, in our final conversation, my mm asked me what he did to me. After dragging me into his dysfunctional marriage, causing me so much heartbreak, pain, giving me the silent treatment, then coming back to screw me over again, he has the balls to ask me what he did to me. Really? Looking back I still remember how angry I got when he said that to me. It was like his mask fell off and I was really seeing him for the first time, the real him. Boy did I pay a huge price for messing around with a narcissist. I know better now and will not make that same mistake again. Ever. Narcissists will never admit fault and you can’t win with them.

  231. Hi Hayley . An apology really ? I’ve been waiting 8 months ! The only way I will ever get a apology is I’m in his face and he feels pressured to do . I told him he coward and selfish. And Leigh Ann . Time do heal but I think the pain is always there even after all these months and if I really start to think of him I wanna cry . I never had a man to just walk away from me without a word and that hurts . His office is only 2 blocks from where I live I try to avoid him because all those feelings will show in my face . I wish I had a boyfriend 😭.then I wouldn’t care anymore about him . Positive Vibes ladies !

  232. Hayley, great points if you noticed where I posted in my situation, he has never apologized either. Like you said, they will never totally let us go because we are their safe side woman. I know that sounds bad but its true. We always run back to them. We have to stop because they will always keep us on the side and we will inevitably end up hurt.

  233. Are these MM capable of an apology?? Anyone ever received a sincere apology for dragging us into their unhappiness??
    I’ve asked mine for an apology as I feel he owes it to me for all the heartache and anxiety and I’ve been met with silence which makes me wonder are they all just naracists, Incapable of empathy? I understand I knew what I was doing but I’m more than willing to apologise for my part, he however seems it’s easier to bury his head in the sand and ignore it. Coward? Most definitely.
    This is the MM I ended it with last week after behaving like a child, who still thought it would be ok to message me yesterday when his wife was out of town asking to meet up or have some texting fun. Oh and he told me he is now happily married. Yeah ok then!! He told me he can see us being together one day (to keep me hooked?) then yesterday we can’t ever be together. Which is it!! I don’t buy it anymore and told him I will not be his forever fall back girl but I feel I’m owed an apology for all these years. I won’t be holding out for one though.
    Oh and ladies don’t think for one second these men will move on and forget all about you.. quite the opposite infact.. it’s how men work. Eventually they will start to miss us. May take a while but one day they will be sat at home thinking about you trust me.. whilst we women deal with it upfront men don’t and it will come back to bite them later. Doesn’t mean you should ever open your door again though, something I need to seriously learn.

  234. Hi Ladies, really dealing with major stress, very little sleeping. I heard briefly from the mm. And now I wish I hadn’t spoken to him. I have not heard from him for 4 days, the whole grief stress cycle began again when it was gradually dissipating. I have decided that it will 100 percent be NC. I cant deal with this anxiety. This just reeks. I’m going to get through this with Gods help and grace. My main reason for writing is to encourage any of you to not resume communication with them period. It will literally burn you again and it will hurt more. The healing is impossible if you keep talking to them.

  235. Hi ladies. I hope you are all staying strong. These last few days I have been reflecting on the whole relationship with mm and now I’m somewhat angry. I have suffered tremendous pain because of this and I remember in his text messages he wrote he wanted me to be ok and to forgive one day and that he wanted me to find someone who could take care of me the way he couldn’t. Well thanks asshole. I am finding that extremely patronizing! I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I was thinking sure if I find someone else they will alleviate your guilt? 🙄. Also if I was so important to him and he loved me “more than I knew” or so he always said 🤦🏼‍♀️ he has not in the 6 months since he broke up with me reached out just to see if I was ok. Guess that speaks volumes on what he was really feeling. I am slowly coming to terms with that. It actually has started to feel pretty shitty realizing I was so unimportant that he could dispose of me like yesterday’s trash. All his words of me changing his life and thinking about me always and that our paths would cross again…. just peeing on my leg and telling me it’s raining that’s all it was. I am ok and my life is rebuilt and I’m pretty much back to the strong woman I was when mm caught me. It feels good but this does sting. I keep hoping that he might reach out just once. I want to believe he doesn’t because it’s just too hard emotionally for him but then I think he’s probably found someone else and he doesn’t ever think about me. 😢. I know this too shall pass and I will get past this it just really really sucks. I hope all you ladies are getting stronger and realizing nc is the only way to heal. Hugs ladies.

  236. Hi Taylor,
    I know you are angry and hurt, I have been exactly where you are and felt the same way. But the mm is going to control the narrative with his wife. I know I sound like a broken record, but the very best thing you can do is go NC. Do not give him any more attention. Focus on yourself right now and your own healing. If you happen to see him out in public, ignore him or turn and go the other direction. I suspect your mm will try to start NC with you now, I could be wrong but it’s just a guess. I would preemptively block him. Good luck!

  237. I am so happy I found this blog because I am at the tail end of affair with mm that went on for 2 yrs. It was painstakingly hurtful but I kept holding on to the drama to spice up my bland, boring life. It wasn’t worth the turmoil.

    MM was always do eager to be my friend
    text and hang out. They stick with you like jello in the beginning. Although I have to admit he really was no real friend to me. I fell for a bunch of flattery which was nothing but hot air. After a long time I felt cheapened and noticed very little action on his part.

    He would come and go as he pleased, then took me for granted. Stopped seeing me after awhile but he still expected a steady penpal to keep him entertained. Said I was awesome but only gave compliments about my looks

    He felt the need to tell me he spent time with other female “friends”. Threw it right in my face regularly. What a douche.

    Well I was angry enough one day to put a stop to his crap. After 3 weeks of no texts and him waving from across the street once or twice – that was it!

    One day he suddenly appeared out of no where on the street, telling me about his boring life. Not one question about how I was doing. At that point, I felt no attraction for him whatsoever. He put on quite a lot of weight also, which was a huge turn off.

    I stood there with a fake half smile and looked at him like a piece of meat. I had lost that lovin feeling all right. I bolted after a few minutes never looking back. Since that day I have not called or texted him. On previous occasions I texted him after we ran into each other as I was missing him.

    Something in me suddenly shut down which never happened before. I really hope it’s not closed for good as I want a good man on my life, an available one.

    This grieving takes forever. Hopefully I can heal without bitterness. I do not want to end up being this lonely old woman who lives with her cats and dies alone!

  238. Hi everyone! In regards to earlier posts:
    Anna- You are so right about mm throwing texts here and there to not create further problems. It’s all for them obviously! I thought about the other times he could have texted me to see how I am doing with everything, etc, but didn’t. He texted when he was concerned about me texting him while he was at home… And then of all things for me to run into him and wife today. Almost thinking it was a meant to be type thing for me. But yes, I am realizing from all of you wonderful ladies that the little bit of contact is WAY worse than none at all. I agree, eventually he may try and reel me back in, and I will just be dealing with all of these feelings and emotions over again. I have to now move past what happened today when I saw them, but at the same time a GREAT reminder to me that THEY are married, they go out to lunch together, they do things and he and I will never, ever be able to do and I deserve MUCH better than that!!! Hugs back to you!!! ♥

    XXX- yes, I probably shouldn’t have texted him back, but I certainly was not at the strong point yet of not replying. And I just felt the need to tell him I missed him, especially after him telling me his brother committed suicide. When we were together, I would have been supporting him and hugging him, even if he didn’t like his brother. So, that was a weak moment of me just being me and wanting to be there for him like I always had been before. But, no more. I do need to start healing for sure.

    Heartbroken- I am so sorry that you are in a similar situation, hugs to you!! Thank you, I definitely won’t message him anymore, and I have a feeling after what happened today when I ran into them, I won’t be hearing from him. I have to find a way to be strong and as you said not be desperate, for that is not who I am. Hugs to you, let’s hope things get better for all of us soon!!! ♥

    Tricia- thank you! You have great things to say!! I agree, that they don’t necessarily stay because they are happy. I think my mm is somewhat happy, but missing a lot in the marriage and that’s where I came in. BUT, he made it clear that he would not leave due to kids, money, etc etc…..alot of BS too, but honestly, I never asked or expected him to leave!! You are right about the mixed signals with the sporadic texting and it’s just not fair at all! Here he texted me when I thought we weren’t going to talk at all….and then I end up hoping to hear from him the last few days and I didn’t. That’s messed up, he should not be playing me like that. I still feel running into him and his wife today happened for a reason. And, I feel a bit of revenge by him seeing me see him with the wife and her seeing me as well. NOT to hurt her, for she didn’t do any of this. But, if he felt like he wanted to shit his pants or I made him squirm, whatever….then so be it, for he has put me through quite the hell too!!! But…now I move on, again with the inspiration from ALL OF YOU, who I can’t thank enough for being there for me during this most difficult time of my life!! ♥

    JK- Yes, for sure. I agree there is no being just friends with the mm. Despite the fact I WAS friends with him for 15 years first, that’s all gone now….. and yes, he needs to focus on his wife and I need to focus on me and healing!!

    Sad in love- thank you SO much for all your great advice, thoughts, support!!! ♥

    You ladies are ALL incredible, and I thank you again for being their for me!! Let’s do this, we all deserve better!! HUGS AND MORE HUGS!!! ♥ ♥

  239. Hi everyone! Thank you again for all your thoughts and advice, I appreciate it SOOOOO much!! I have to share with you what happened today. I am still shaking!!!!
    Guess who I ran into when I was grabbing some lunch? MM and wife!! So, I pulled into the parking lot of our Chick Filet, and I look over and see him backing into a spot. I had my sunglasses on, so I pretended I didn’t see him, and also pretended I was on my phone. My heart sank, I wasn’t sure what to do in that moment. Well, he must have saw me too, for it took them several minutes to get out of the car. (at least I am assuming that was the delay)….so I watch both of them walk into the restaurant, and was debating and debating what to do. By the way, I don’t think I had ever mentioned, but she knows who I am from our gym. Her and I were never friends, but she knows me, and knows I am the one that he was “talking” to in those texts. Anyways… I watch them walk in, and decided, I was still going to go in myself as scared as I was. I did wait for them to order, and I got my food. I really had to go to the bathroom, so I put my food down on a table by the bathroom. They ended up at a table just 3 or 4 away from me. I still pretended like I had no idea they were there. He was facing my direction. As I was TRYING to eat, I could hear him talking to her and I about threw up. He has a very distinctive voice, and I could tell he was trying to talk quiet, probably not knowing at that point if I saw them or not. But, the longer I sat there, hearing him talk to her, and her replying, just made me sick and I couldn’t sit there any longer. I got up and walked out, but not before I looked right over at him at his table. We made eye to eye contact, and I am NOT sure what expression was on his face, but all I could do was roll my eyes at him and walk out. OMG I was shaking SO bad ( I still am)…. So, I sat in my car, trying to process everything, and I looked over and thought I saw them walking out. So, I pulled away…however, I never did see them walk out, but kind of thought I just saw him? now, I highly doubt he would have come out alone to talk to me, so maybe it was someone else. But, I will admit… I pulled into a parking lot not far from there and watched until they did come out. The odd thing was, it took like 25 minutes (YES, I stupidly sat there watching)….so, I kept thinking, were they fighting in there about me? Were they talking about what happened? Or were they just having a long lunch??? I really don’t know…. But… I will be honest, part of me hopes that he did get scared shitless, and is struggling right now the way I am. I don’t want to see any harm to him, …but on the other hand, I feel I have always got the short end of the stick, always being on HIS time and HIS terms and not knowing 100% if what he told me about his home life is true or not….so why shouldn’t he suffer a little bit?? Is that bad of me to feel this way??? I know I probably shouldn’t have gone into that restaurant ladies, but it’s only been 1 week since he broke up with me, and I am still HURT AND MAD and I just could not help myself today….. :-(

  240. Sad in love. I have cut off all contact, blocked/changed emails so I am not tempted to respond. He has been the one trying to find any avenue to contact me. Only way now is is if he showed up at my door. I asked a friend awhile ago if it’s being a coward to just completely cut him off. The response was absolutely not. It takes more courage to do so. We are standing up to stopping these mm fr manipulating our emotions. It’s ironic to think we are being “mean” to them.

  241. I so agree with everyone about the N/C and not dribbles, some of these M.M will reach out during N/C not much but a little and its WORSE than N/C because it is like suffering all over from the get-go, while N.C is deeply horrible and it is, it does work better for the healing process. Every day you recover a little more. I agree with the person who said some don’t want to completely shut the door when things ease up for them at home and they know eventually things will ease up and they want us to be waiting in the wings. The problem with waiting in the wings is that you are essentially preparing to be in agony again. Because the cycle will begin and end the same way with us devastated when their wives find out or get suspicious. We have to tell ourselves three things, a) We WILL get over them and this in time, B) Do other things, clean, cook, read a book, go to the library, movies, take a nap, shop, get a massage, visit friends, take a short trip, get a new phone where they don’t have the number and don’t put their number in your new phone, and last of all, one day we will find someone who will be available in the way we deserve when we have grieved and assessed this situation. Ladies, this too shall pass.

  242. So as I was out getting coffee earlier I was thinking. I know there are a lot of ladies here needing support and going through pain because of these mm. There are so many stories and these men follow the same script. We will all pull through this. The sadness will turn to anger and then to self reflection. We may jump back and forth between the stages for awhile. All of these stages are necessary for healing. One day we will wake up and realize we are so glad it’s over. We realize we were getting crumbs and we deserved so much better than that. And even though we may have loved this mm, he wasn’t treating us the way he should have for a very long time. Or worse. Manipulating us, compartmentalizing us, lying, etc. all in all just making us crazy and putting us last. And once we are out of the situation and shed our tears, we will be glad to have our dignity back and realize we won’t ever go back to that again. The way a person leaves speaks volumes about who they are. As all of us have said at one time or another, these mm are cowards who betray everyone. We can and should hold our heads up knows no we are not like that. All of us can do this. Huge hugs ladies.

  243. Hi Taylor, I hate that you are going through this because I know the pain. But there is no being friends with a married man, none whatsoever. I think he is only throwing you a few texts to try to control the situation because he wants no more problems. He doesn’t want you texting or calling when he’s at home when he’s supposed to be at work which would get him in real bad trouble with his wife. I know it is sad and horrible but no contact is best to start the healing for your heart to work on the anger and sadness and grieving process. Otherwise each time you talk to him it is like a little death and you have to start over again. Hugs!

  244. J.K…. I totally agree with you that there cannot be friends with a married man that you were involved with we have to completely cut it off. Hanging on getting drabs and dribbles of their time is humiliating and destroys our lives. It also adds to the grieving when its ultimately over. Heres my advice, and its hard but completely go no contact, he is another womans husband regardless of whether he is miserable or happy he is with her. Hang in, I’m preaching to myself too.

  245. Hi Taylor, i read down your post and it feels to me that it is time for you to try to play it a bit more chill now. When he texted, you should have just ignored the text. While the best you can do is going NC, by texting him everyday you don’t give him any chance to miss you. On the other hand, i do not see that anything wil change by you telling him you miss him and feel so sad. I did the same mistakes in the past, but my mm never actually wanted to stop talking to me (these moods were quite short with him). Not that you should aim at him missing you and hoping that that would turn things around, but well, you need to start healing. And from this point i can tell you that you can never heal completely, but the pain is waaaay less intense down the road. You kind of get used to that stone you carry in your pocket with you every day and learn to embrace it. But the more you are trying to keep contact with him, the longer it will take you to get there.

  246. Hi Taylor. Your situation is similar to mine and I can relate to you in so many levels. I will email you privately. But for now, I just wanted to tell you that reading your story saddens me and I am so sorry you are going through this horrendous stage. The pain is still raw and I know it hurts really bad, but unfortunately this is the only way out and you’ll just have to keep moving. I remember when I first came to this site, Leigh Ann was just like you, had just got out of a breakup, crying nonstop, not being able to eat or get out of bed for days… But look at where she is at right now! A much better place and doing so much better. You will get there too.

    Please don’t message him anymore. He has made it clear that he can’t continue this relationship. By trying to contact him it makes you look desperate and it just strokes his ego even more. And it will also hurt you and anger you when you pour yourself into him and all he says is he “can’t do it”. Taylor, accept the fact that the relationship was not real and this is time to let go. Grief him, cry your bawl out, write down your feelings, and come to this site for support, but do not contact him. Go 100% NC and ask that he does the same to you. Don’t let him message you whenever he wishes, for this will do you more harm than good.

  247. Hi Taylor . The problem you are having is your married man is sending you mixed signals because really he ain’t through with yet and as long as he keep in contact with you the confused you will be and that how they like us Dazed Confuse and conflicted . You need to take a deep breath and just delete all contact numbers with so that will take away all the temptation and then block him because he just stringing you along . The most we start talking loving them the more they pull away because they cannot control what you will do and that scares them . Somebody asked do they respect their wife yes they do to a certain extent. Remember it’s about the man protecting his investments that’s why they stay married it’s not always about happiness because nobody happy everyday but their wives they have invested in heavily so she stay put . We are disposables. Stay strong Taylor you can do it !!! Believe..

  248. Taylor, there is no such thing as being friends with a mm. What kind of “friendship” would it be anyway? He still can not be there for you as a “friend” no more than he is for you now. We ladies need to completely break ties. That is the only way to start the process to be able to let go and move on. We have to accept they are choosing to stay with their wife. We must reset our minds to close one door to allow another to open and open our hearts for a chance with someone else. The mm must do the same and open their hearts to their wife and be the husband she needs him to be. It truly sucks because they go on with their marriage and we are left feeling empty. I am grateful for this site that allows us to support each other.

  249. Hey Taylor, yes you are in deep grieving and while it SUCKS bad to feel like this and we have all been there, the pain of this is there for a reason, I really believe its almost like a force stop mechanism for the future. If you ever meet another M.M this agony will be so real in your mind that you will never do this again. I know I wont. I know its tempting to let him know how you feel, and it sounds like he does know that you are really hurting and upset, but as terrible as this is to say and its the same in my situation, they are not going to do anything about OUR suffering, I am not saying they are bad people or dont feel bad about the pain we are dealing with, but for whatever reason they are not going to jeopardize their family situation to help us. It is a cold hard fact and to me, it has been more obvious every week that the family unit is their first priority no matter how bad we feel. But, you have us, and you can write and pour out your feelings. Also, try to keep busy, clean, go to a movie, go to a friends house, put together a puzzle try to occupy your mind with something else. I hope that helps

  250. Hi everyone! Hope you beautiful ladies are all hanging in there tough! I read and read through all our posts, and it just breaks my heart that SO many of us are going through the exact same thing. We ALL deserve so much better, and I am SO grateful to have found this site. I pray to Goodness in time we can all fully heal!! ♥ So here is my latest…I have been struggling a LOT missing mm, it’s still the worst pain ever, and the sickness in my stomach is constant. So he texted me on Wednesday telling me he couldn’t talk (text), but wanted to let me know he was not at work that day. He said he was at home taking care of a family issue, and said we would talk for sure the next day (4th of July)….well first of all, I didn’t think we were talking at all! And, I know the only reason he probably texted me, was just in case I would have texted him and he would have been at home (thinking he was at work)…so yesterday (the 4th) I knew he would be working a huge fireworks events in our city. He is a cop and has been working on this for months and months. I was having a VERY tough day yesterday and decided to text him around lunch time to see how things were going. He replied and said it was busy, but did ask how I was doing. I said I was ok, still having a very tough time with things, I then asked how things turned out with whatever family issue he was having. So, of all things, his brother had committed suicide and that is why he was off work. Now he and his brother were never close, so according to him, it wasn’t a surprise and he said he was doing ok. BUT…that’s more of the reality to where I wanted SO bad to be able to be there for him, hug him, comfort him and talk more about it, etc…but that was not going to happen. So I then told him that I missed him very much and wished we could go back to last Thursday (the last time we were together)….he replied that he missed me too and wished the same, but he just can’t do it. I then said I understood, and if he wasn’t so special, I wouldn’t be missing him so much. He didn’t reply to that….then later in the night ( I knew he would still be working the fireworks event, I texted him saying I hope he could understand how hard this was for me and that I HATE not being able to talk to him. I told him that I felt like I lost my best friend. He replied later in the night, I had already gone to sleep, saying that it was hard for him as well. And once we get through this process, the friendship side will come around. Well… I don’t see that happening. I know it’s not going to be good for me or do us any good to just be friends. Even tho right NOW, I am mad, sad, angry, etc etc….for even though I understand, I still feel like I have been cut off after all I gave him…. Damn it… I don’t know how to feel…. and I KNOW I can’t be in contact with him, and I also can’t let him just randomly text me when he wants to. This just SUCKS, I am SO sad, and just want to be through the grieving process already….. :-(

  251. It’s been 8 days of NC and all my messages still say delivered on Snapchat so he hasn’t read them but I know he’s been on there. I feel like I have turned into a crazy person and am embarrassed by my actions. I feel like a piece of trash. I feel so horrible. If he’s willing to ghost me like this then he’s the piece of trash. How do you do that to someone that you supposedly like and care about. All I see now is everything was a ton of lies. I have no choice but to move on. I don’t deserve to be treated like this. I am a great girl. If he does eventually open my messages he will probably just read them and not reply. I feel so broken now. Going to try to heal and move forward with my life.

  252. Happy 4th to all my ladies, lets not think these MM spending time today with their families…lets think about ourselves only and those that truly love us and want the best for us…enjoy your day…

  253. Hi Ladies, I’m missing my mm a lot today, I called my cousin because shes very blunt and never sugar coats anything. She asked me what I missed and I said I miss talking to him and sharing with him, in many ways he was my best friend. She pointed out that a friend wouldn’t do this to you. She also reminded me that we really didn’t have anything but stolen moments. As a married man, he couldn’t ever give you anything substantial. It truly hurts to realize that even if we hadn’t been exposed, I still wouldn’t be with him today, I wouldnt see him on Sunday and I’d have conversation but nothing else. While ripping off the bandaid hurts I needed the reality check. I wonder how long will it hurt. I go through phases when I am ok then like a wave it rips me to pieces.

  254. Hi Sad in Love
    I agree why do they do this. They are too cowardly to deal with the relationship with the wife so they drag someone else in only to hurt not one woman but two. I personally think that they are just cowards and cads. I understand that it is not easy to leave a life that you have built with someone, but involving someone else isn’t the right thing to do. I believed, stupidly, that my mm was thinking of leaving. He had said things to be way before we ever started anything insinuating that he was thinking of leaving. Boy what a fool I was! But I learned a huge lesson…. never get involved with a mm. If another mm ever tries to involve me in his life it will be a giant “get lost”. I will never get involved in hurting someone else, or myself in that way again. I also take my responsibility in it. I was the strongest and happiest I had ever been when he caught me but I liked his attention. Unfortunately, he was slowly turning me into a neurotic nutcase, which was so not me. The deception, the unanswered texts, the knowing he would be on vacation with his wife, the family get togethers, Christmas, New Years it all drove me crazy. After I had rebuilt my life after my divorce, I was determined to cleanse my life of anyone or anything that was going to cause me grief. And what do I do, invite mm to enter my life and wreak havoc on it. My fault but it won’t happen twice. I don’t think badly of mm. I think in some ways he may be stuck in something he doesn’t think he can get out of, but that is his problem not mine. So as 6 months of nc have gone by, I’m ok. I am out living my life again and and I am no longer waiting on the text messages that don’t come or the phone calls that are far between. I don’t have to be home at certain hours because mm might call. It was all nonsense. But that part was on me. I often wonder if I had not been so available every time he called would it have made a difference? Probably not but I need to keep moving forward and never look back because apparently he has never looked back. He discarded me to save his skin. Even if I never find anyone else, I feel I am so much better off alone than mired up in that mess! Hugs ladies

  255. Sad in love,

    I don’t understand why when it hits the fan these men don’t sit down with the wives and say, “I’m in love with another woman, this has been going on a long time, we need to separate while I sort some things out.” That to me seems like a rational response given that the man has been leading a double life and telling another woman that he’s in love with her. But to cut the other woman out of his life indicates that he’s been doing nothing more than leading her on the whole time. He isn’t really in love with her. You don’t do that to someone you are in love with. It also doesn’t seem like the mm loves the wife. How can you love your wife if you lie to her and run around on her behind her back for years?

    Do they love anyone? Does anyone agree with me on this?

    I think the wives are very codependent and stay for finances/house/kids. Especially the ones who don’t work full time or have health issues.

  256. Hi Sad & love . I forgot to say I don’t think the wife knows all time plus like other lady said here ignorance is a bliss she can always cry to everybody will be quite naturally on her side . Sometimes the wife don’t care until she feels her husband has started to develop real feeling for his other lady then it’s a problem . And also she will never let the O W take her husband she might become cruel & crazy toward her husband or us ? So they break it off with us really to save our live because things can get dangerous. So they also lie and tell the wife we met nothing or we are obsessed with them or I don’t know that woman ? Or the worst ( baby she met nothing to me it was just sex my heart belongs to you ! So she always feel good in her marriage and remains . While we talking why she stay she have many reasons .They will protect her all cost make no mistakes about it .

  257. Hi Sad & Love . I’m only giving my opinion and my experience. First of all I cannot believe I allowed myself to be a Mistress for 7 yrs of my life and be used to tossed to the side . I really cared for him I asked nothing from him but time and honesty. I really don’t think these married men expected to have genuine feelings towards the OW they think they can manage the situation and when we start to develop real feelings for them it’s over because they cannot control the outcome of what my come and don’t want no problems near the home front . Now are they truly happy who really knows ? But I think they are comfortable with the life they built with their wives and are quite content with that life . Most of these married men are only really looking for a little excitement and attention from a attractive woman who feed his lost ego . And I see the married man like a old car fix’s it up give it a little love and gas in the tank you got a good ride until the gas run out and then you fill it up again then the car may break down and you see you got a lemon . And the car goes back to the garage (aka wife ) . And the happiness they show us is temporary and in the end shows just how lonely and vulnerable we were to take up a married man but ( hey ) we all make mistakes the world already judge women like us so we must remember to be kind to ourselves. But ladies everything in life is a lesson learned even a affair we must not let this experience ruin us nor break us ! It better to have loved and shared your happiness with someone then never . And eventually ladies our real man stand up is coming and we’ll be taking pictures and outing with our “ boo” man . And the married man will be checking our social media saying Damn ! She moved on . So chin up ladies !

  258. Last week my mm told me his grandma fell and hurt her hip so he was thinking about going out of state to go see her and he might be gone for a few days. So basically a week goes by and I haven’t heard from him and then I see his car at his work yesterday (he works in the town I live in) and the way we talk is through Snapchat so it’s been a week and he hasn’t read my messages but he was on there last night because his Snapchat score went up so obviously he’s on there and not worrying about opening my messages or seeing how I am. I hate him so much for doing this to me. He says he likes me and I ground him and loves to talk to me but obviously his words don’t mean anything. Everything he’s ever said has probably been a lie and I was stupid enough to believe it. I’m so furious and angry right now. Sorry for the rant. Hugs ladies 🤗

  259. Anna,
    My take on this is misogyny. They do not respect women in general and specifically, their wife and the other woman.
    The mm knows that someone is going to get hurt but a woman’s pain is worth the risk to the married man. Selfish. I am not going to be involved with this misogyny anymore.
    I am getting stronger and more clarity about the entire situation. More than being angry at my ex mm, I am angry at myself. I am working hard to forgive myself for the pain and humiliation that I caused to me. It has been almost 6 months nc for me. I bought a fixer house 2 months ago and I am doing all the work on it myself. This has been so therapeutic working alone in the house, pulling up carpet, painting and thinking. Every now and then I hear myself say “what an A-hole!!!” as I think of this ex mm. It is actually rather comical my working on this empty house and suddenly verbalizing my thoughts out loud LOL!
    I now need to cut down on the ruminating. It is time.
    My relationship with the mm put into focus the things that I really want (and don’t want) in a relationship. That knowledge is priceless. I am grateful for that knowledge.
    This site has saved my life. Thank you, all of you, for sharing your thoughts. We are good woman.
    Continued strength, evolving clarity, love and support to all of you.

  260. Hi Sad in Love, Leigh Ann and Tricia, Thank you again SOOO much for your replies. You all have great thoughts and advice and I appreciate that very much!!!! As sad as I am and as much as I am hurting right now, it definitely helps to know I have such wonderful ladies who care and can understand exactly what I am going through!!! I am SOOOO sorry that all of us have had to go through this!! :-( I will happily share my email address, and would love to hear from any of you wanting to email. That would be great!! My email is Vegasgirl0719@gmail.com. Thank you again, I look forward to talking more with all of you!!! HUGS!!! ♥ ♥

  261. I was taken back in time reading your story too, Taylor. I always knew that my mm and I were on borrowed time, too. In the back of my mind I always knew he would choose his wife over me in the end. But I went ahead with it anyway and told myself I would live for the moment. You are not alone in what you’re going through and you’ll get past this huge hurt. I do recommend that you go NC so he can’t keep jerking you around with the back and forth for your own sanity because some of them will come back and do it over and over again and you don’t want that. The best way is to move forward and start healing. It will take some time and won’t be easy but it will get better. I know it may not seem like it but my life is a lot more normal now, yes of course I think about him but I am not depressed, crying, isolated, etc. You absolutely can get through this and you will be okay i promise. Hugs!!!

  262. As I read over so many of our stories, I was thinking and maybe you ladies could comment but why do these men wreak havoc on us and their wives?? They know when they meet other women that they are not going to leave their wives and they have to realize that they are developing a relationship with someone who could potentially fall in love with them, I mean they have to realize they can devastate women. So, are they cruel, narcissistic or just cads? This happens a great deal and while I definitely take responsibility for my role in it, I just don’t understand why they don’t leave these relationships with their wives or at least address how they feel. The one thing I certainly see is that when they do go N.C its as if nothing happened and they just discard the O.W like trash. Also, why do their wives continue with them because it will eventually happen again with someone else? All I know is it will never happen to me again

  263. Hi Taylor . I’m sorry your in pain . But at least he was a true gentleman about it I wish I had that ending I got nothing ! And that really hurts anyway I wish you all the best in your healing it really sucks but with time it does get better you will have a lot of sad moments and anger but you will get thru this it’s been 7 months of my affair ending but I’m ok . Gurl Power !!! Stay positive.

  264. Hi Taylor:

    I was reliving my story as I was reading yours. It has been 6 months since I last had contact with my mm. It has been a process, a very painful journey to get to this point. I miss him every day and think about him every day. I still cry every few days, but I am determined to make it to a week without crying at all – still working on that. It sounds like your mm was a lot like mine, they cared for us and I think that makes it even harder! My mm and I were never caught, at least not that I know of but I am guessing the way the ending went down that it must have been close. We were making plans to see each other the next week and talking about what we were going to do and then he ghosted me for 6 days and then on the 7th came the text that he couldn’t be in my life right now and that he had to sort out his life. He told me that he cared about me so much and that he would not be happy without me and that I made him happier than he had ever been and that I changed his life, but his situation would not change. He wished it could be different he just knew it couldn’t be. I was so heartbroken. I believe that my mm was just as sad as I was and that he was hurting as well, but he got to go home to his life with his wife and kids so he wasn’t alone where as I was left empty. He did this to me at work, so I understand your situation with having to meet in the park and it not being private. I could barely hold it together at work. It was good that it was on a Friday and I spent the entire weekend in bed bawling my eyes out. I like you felt empty, so on Monday I texted him and explained what a crappy thing it was to do this 5 days before he was supposed to be here and to do this to me at work! But I told him I understood and that he had made me so happy and that he seemed resigned to “ride out” his life and marriage. I said it was sad but to sort his life out how he needed to and that I would carry him in my heart and that I would miss him. I got the text back that I made him feel loved all the time and that I was an incredible woman and he would think of me always and I never heard from him again. I was thinking WFT, if I’m so incredible then why is this happening?? I was never angry I was hurt. My mm and I never fought either, we got along so well. We were both silly and laughed at the same things. It was like we were teenagers again. He said I made him feel young and alive again. They say that as hard as it is for them, they just don’t want to risk everything they built at home. Well I did leave my unhappy marriage. It was so difficult. I left with my job, my vehicle and my clothes and that was it. I was scared to death that I would not make it, but I did! I rebuilt my life and when mm caught me I was the happiest and strongest I had ever been. He used to tell me I was the strongest person he knew….cuz I left and was able to rebuild. Why are men so not willing to leave even when they are not happy. If they are messing around on the side there is clearly something wrong with the relationship…. We deserve so much better for ourselves. We deserve to have someone with us on holidays, birthdays, family functions, and to sleep next to every night, not someone who goes home to another woman and sleeps with her and spends holidays and things with her and fights to not lose her. We deserve a relationship that is not in the shadows and that started with lies. I know it hurts so badly right now and it is tearing you up inside and are having a terrible time even functioning, but you will make it! The hurt will get less. I also know that nothing I can say at this point will make it hurt less, but all the ladies here have been through this and many of us are finally coming out the other end of it. I have rebuilt my life through sheer determination and knowing that my self worth is more important than anything else. Lean on the group, they will support you through this. I know that when I first found this group I was dying inside. I had not slept, eaten or left my house barely for 3 weeks and after I was able to tell my story and got support I finally started to feel better and now I have returned to my old self in almost every way. I know it’s hard to see the other side right now but you will get there. I had take it by the minute sometimes until each day I got a bit stronger. Be kind to yourself and grieve however you need to. I spent a lot of time crying, going to work, coming home from work, at work, at home it was brutal and I did not think I would ever see a day that I didn’t cry! But here I am 6 months into nc and I am still standing :) and I barely cry anymore. I am sending you positive vibes hugs and the strength to let go of him, the hurt, pain and anger.

  265. Taylor, I feel SOOOO bad for you, wow, I can feel the anguish in your voice/message. I wish I could personally email you. I know how you feel, I am not going to tell you forget him, get over it, you are better off, because NONE of that will make you feel better and right now you are not better off and you will not forget him. Here is my advice and while its trite it is true. Grieve him, cry cry cry and then really really reflect on what you thought you had with him, even in the best moments, times, were you still the o.w yes you were. Tell yourself that ONE day there will be a person who makes you their most important person, the person they cant lose. Yes, it will take time and the wound is fresh. Here is another piece of advice and its hard. DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN. Call friends, therapist, anybody but not him, Write us too. If you feel comfortable giving your email, do it and we can reach out. You are special and its his loss. Also, ask yourself, would you really want to be the wife knowing everything you know about him.

  266. Hi Sad in love, Christine, Anna and Tricia, I can’t reply directly to your posts either. Thank you ALL for your replies, I appreciate them. So I met with mm on Monday and he said we had to break things off. He apologized over and over, but said we were already caught twice and as much as I mean to him, he cannot risk getting caught again. I cried and cried, and it sucked because he is a cop and we had to meet at a park right there in public.(instead of having any kind of private time)… He said we really can’t text anymore because we need to start creating the separation for he does not want this to happen again in the future. He Kept saying it wouldn’t be fair to me, which I do respect that. I told him that I was going to miss him more than anything, and he said he was going to miss me more than anything as well. I thought I was going to throw up after we met!!! I sent him a text after we met telling him he was always going to be special to me and that I will always remember the great times we shared together. He replied back saying he felt the same way. So later in the day, I sent him a text just saying I hope he was doing ok, and mentioned that I was VERY sad and hurt and that it was going to be a grieving process. His reply was all of “getting through it, it’s been a busy day….I agree, it’s going to be a process”….and that was it. For some reason, the anger than set in for I could already tell he was distancing himself from me. I didn’t hear from him again (which I didn’t expect to), and I texted him yesterday telling him I had to talk to him. (I debated over and over about sending that text, but I felt SO sick inside and angry I just had a few things I needed to get off my chest)….so, he did meet me, again we had to meet at a park. I just told him that I understand him needing to make the decision he did ( I really do understand), but from my side of being his girlfriend, his lover, giving as much as I did and mainly the intimacy that we shared together, that I feel like I ended up with nothing. And I feel very empty inside. I told him I feel like I have been completely cut off. He apologized again, and said he can understand how I am feeling, and he wishes more than anything it was different. He said he still wants to be with me, but he can’t. He can’t risk losing everything that he has at home, and as painful as it is with me, he just can’t do it. Thing is… I KNOW he is just as sad as I am, he said he has been sick since Friday over this, so I know he is hurting too. And in ways, it’s even harder for him, for he is hurting because of our relationship, but he also has to be at his home dealing with those feelings while also dealing with an upset wife. So, it’s just crappy all the way around. He said again that we can’t talk right now, for if we kept that up, it would eventually lead us back to exactly all of this again and he does not want to do that me. OMG, I am SO sad!!! I know the hardest part of all of this is, we were friends for 15 years before we ever got together, AND we aren’t breaking up because of a fight or anything like that. In fact, in our 5 years of being together, we never fought once. I think I would feel better if he was a real ASS and we did get in a fight. But, he really is a great guy and a great friend!! And knowing we broke up over a stupid text that his wife saw, makes it all the worse. Though….that being said, (and he said this many times)….we knew this would never last forever and would end at some time, and whenever that was it wouldn’t be easy. He is right, be it today or 2 years from now, it wouldn’t be any easier. So, now I know it’s over for sure, and I HAVE to begin the healing process….I know it’s going to be a minute by minute process. We had talked every day, even if it was just a few texts here or there, we still would talk a little every day…I keep starting at my phone for the text that is never going to come…… I already MISS him so much and it’s only been 2 days!!! :-(

  267. My turning point was last November 2018, when I decided to pay him a visit to the house that he was living separately from his wife. He was only living separately because his work was closer to the house he was living in but every weekend he went back to the house that his wife lived in. His wife owned both homes with him.
    Anyway, I met his 23 yo daughter and 92 yo mother, introduced as the “colleague” from work. I had dinner with he and his daughter, then he took me back to the hotel…..and left me there stating, “If I want to keep seeing you, I can’t stay the night with you tonight. I will come back in the morning”. The next morning we went on a road trip for 3 days. Wife was calling at least 5 x a day. I had to listen to him lying to her and telling her “Kiss Kiss” every time before he hung up. For three days this went on.
    After that trip I flew home and it took me 3 weeks to process what happened. Humiliation and crumbs. That is what happened. The holidays came and more lies and plans changing from his side. Our next time together was to be in January. I spent the holidays alone. He spent them with his wife, his mother, step daughter and daughter (of course because that is what husbands do). On new Years Eve I texted him that “thinking of him partying with his wife, whispering words of love in her ear while he secretly is looking forward to getting his groove on with me in about 2 weeks….makes me sick. I told him that I felt like throwing up.
    I said, “I cannot do this anymore. I can do better than this! ANYONE can do better and deserves better than this!”
    His answer? “I once thought that we would be intimates for life, but your resolve would not permit.”
    WOW! WTF??
    I see… this was my fault that we were breaking up. Well, I guess in one sense that was true. I was done with his so called ” love”. I told him; “I might not ever know what love is however, I do know what it is not. Disrespect is NOT love and you disrespect me and your wife”.
    Of course there was some back and forth words….I will spare you ladies the details, suffice to say that it got ugly.

    He told me that when he dies (he has renal cancer) he “envisions his wife and I crying over his body just like the stories of famous royalty when the emperor or king dies. The wife and mistress coming together to grieve over the body of the man who loved them both”……I wish that I was embellishing the story but I kid you not. Those were his exact words.
    I am a fool. I fell for his love bombs. His manipulations. I have been in therapy since November, twice a week. I started taking an anti-depressant and a non habit forming sleep aid. I still cry a few times a week from sadness and humiliating cringy memories.
    Never again will I disrespect myself like I did for 9 months.

    A malignant narcissistic sociopath has his own self loathing (well deserved), and he cannot love anyone else. Unselfish true love is not within his ability. He himself told me that his love is conditional with everyone in his life, including his dog. His wife got fat and depressed so he doesn’t want to have sex with her anymore. This coming from a fat man without one exercised muscle, EVER, in his body.
    Hypocrisy spoken from the most well educated loser I have ever had the misfortune to meet.

  268. its so hard for me to believe that these MM deep down are unhappy and miserable….maybe some are actually unhappy… but I feel that mine is happy and content with his wife…It’s possible for happily married men to have affairs or is it? who knows…but unless he says it Ill continue to believe he’s just a happily married man that cheats just because…

  269. Anna for me, it was not really one thing it was more of a series of incidents, the going away on trips when he knew how I felt, the breaking dates or not staying as long, the acquiescing and groveling to her despite the fact that he always said he loved me the most. The final straw, of course, was her demands to get rid of the phones, etc and he did it. There were so many many issues where it was CLEAR that despite his words she came first, she will always come first, I will never be the top priority ever. It hurts to know that I allowed myself to be so stupid and believe it all, I keep asking myself why a smart woman like myself did and I realize that he came along at a time when I was vulnerable, needy, and lonely. he filled a void in my life and he had the charm, looks, and personality that I was attracted to and swept me off my feet. AND, this sadness, loneliness, emptiness that I knew would engulf me when it was over was what I did not want, I wanted to avoid THIS. But, with an M.M it will always eventually happen, they will break your heart in a million pieces every time. Every time. So, when we are tempted to fall back in, we have to remember the train wreck is coming.

  270. Hi Anna . My turning point was him turning into the invisible man when I guess he got tired of me ? You see he always knew that was my deal breaker with me and I hated the silence treatment because I told him that from the beginning just say bye when you decide to leave and he never did !! So now I’m tired of everything! I want my own man truth be told I was always alone I remember last time this yr we was hanging tough what difference a yr make . If a picture could talk I’ll say he very content with life and I don’t exist . I felt like a little hobbie he picked up because he was bored at that time in life . I will never get involved with a married man again no future in it plus the happiness they do give is short term and you pay a high cost in the end . Ladies every time you miss your married man go on social media and see one of he many family outing . And ask yourself where do you fit in his life ? And he probably not happy all the time but he ain’t miserable either they are quite content in their marriage and life .

  271. I feel so sad and miserable about the whole business. I’m the one left sad and with a sense of loss while he carries on with his great life apparently without a second’s thought. Its very painful. I too have seen pictures and messages of the great times he has at weekends, its so hurtful. But then it was like this when we were ‘together’ too, i was totally excluded from his life. He is happy in his life and fulfilled, there is something missing but overall not much and not even nearly enough to end his marriage . He is scared of his wife and inlaws, he’ll stick with the for the rest of his life , I know he will, its good enough and to separate is too much. In a horrible way he knew all this when he was with me and he simply compartimentalised me- i was never more than the thing on the side to him, he never wanted more with me, he just took what he could for as long as I gave it. Now, he has no loss and its means little to him. I adored him, but i do now see a selfish side to him and someone who is just in it for themselves and just accept a conventional secure and safe life. In some ways I feel i’ve reinforced his marriage and commitment etc because once he was tempted and made up his mind that he’s never leave and that he was committed to them, it was tested and won and that made him indifferent towards me and easy to keep me in a compartment . Someone on here said they are double cheaters and yes they are, i feel very fooled and cheated by him. he was cheating his wife and me at the same time. Feel totally awful

  272. I think we are all in the same boat of feeling foolish of falling for the mm’s love bombing words. Can any of you remember what your turning point was? I got tired of him always going on overnighters, trips, family getaways, parties, etc. I started asking questions. I realized his wife thought everything was fine between them. He was truly living a double life. He wasn’t even unhappy. He was faking everything. I was a third wheel. It just makes me sick. I will never go back to that, ever.

  273. Sad in Love. I just posted ditto to what you said. I find every way possible to gain my strength to move forward. I block him from ways to contact me and avoid running into him somewhere and, boom, I run into him/wife or he finds another way to contact me. I think God wants me to stop running and hiding and stand up to him and stop allowing him to play with my emotions.

  274. In response to my recent post, I know why. It’s on my post June 24, 2019. And I am still allowing it to happen. So shame on me.

  275. My mm is still trying to find ways to contact me and when he does, it’s back to square one with the roller coaster highs and lows of emotions. It’s a vicious cycle, and is pathetic and frankly embarrassing I am continuing to allow him to control me.
    He tells me I am the one, he’s married to the wrong woman, he is not happy, he would do anything for me, even divorce his wife and have nothing to be with me. He knows I will not tell him to leave her. When he fails at his attempts for me to give and spend time with him because he is married, he changes his tune….he says “I will do as you ask and continue to work on my marriage, If it’s God’s plan for us to be together we will be, I am a good woman, beautiful inside and out, love remains”, “goodbye”, blah, blah, blah. Then I don’t hear fr him for awhile and it starts all over when he contacts me again. Actions continue to speak louder than words. When push comes to shove, it is clear to me he is not going to divorce his wife and be with me. It’s all bs! I truly thought I cut off all channels of communication by changing my email, which he how he was contacting me without his wife finding out, but he found another avenue to contact me. That’s how a narcissist works. It comes down to me somehow just saying don’t contact me anymore or I will tell your wife, but in my twisted head I have not truly let him go. Why??? God, please help ME stop this already!

  276. Hi Anna, you hit the nail on the head with your advice to Taylor, they ARE cowards and they are too scared and too chicken to tell their wives how they really feel or they are just narcissistic they all have an image to uphold, they are not really men, they are boys who act scared when they see someone who knows them and yes they do keep the door cracked and as you said they want to come back and screw us up and around and lie and tells us how we are their first priority but then when the wives find out or suspect they go into obedience mode. They count on us reliving the “good times” and missing them and being tired of being lonely. But, one of the biggest things that has helped me when I missed him is what a friend told me, remember where is he now??? With her? When he gets in trouble, he is not saying I am out of here I love so and so, no he is begging her not to leave. I sometimes feel like a fool to be honest that I fell for this for so long. While the loneliness can be frustrating and the missing them is real, the pain and misery of being with them is real too and its not worth the pain

  277. I cant reply to people but Taylor yes I’ve been down that road repeatedly. It’s a big cycle, those are the cases where the mm could have 99 affairs and they wont leave him. They will scream and cry and punish him and He continues the affair. Its really up to you to decide if you want to deal with it because it’s truly gut wrenching for all involved. Personally, I recommend if you can ending it because it’s going to be a long series of her finding out, he gets “punished ” then he starts all over again. The problem is deep down a lot of the mm are very miserable and unhappy but for a myriad of reasons they stick with the spouse and the affair is in my view their way of demonstrating their anger and misery. But, the ow always suffers in the end because during his time outs, you are lonely because their first priority is always always placating and mollifying their wife. They know you’re miserable but they don’t care.

  278. Hi Ladies, Indirectly via a friend of a friend my mm
    Reached out, said he still loves me very miserable without me, dealing with extreme stress blah blah blah. I told the friend of a friend to tell him I’m done I love him but I cannot do this, it’s been 12 days of pure hell. I’m literally feeling a tiny bit better and I’m not putting myself back in just to get hurt again. This is how it always goes. It’s like we start putting ourselves back together and they want to come back and crush us.

  279. Hi Taylor, My relationship with my mm lasted a little over 5 years. We were both married. I was not in love with my husband of 20 years and stayed for my kids for the most part. Then I realized I really wasn’t showing my kids the way a marriage should be so we got divorced. My ex still does not know about my mm. We are now good friends and better off divorced.

    Like you I didn’t want my mm to leave his family for me. I didn’t want to be the cause of someone else’s pain. My mm is my boss. We are the same age. He told me I was his first and would be his last. He ended up breaking it off with me right before I had a hysterectomy. He would still contact me here and there but nothing of importance. Needless to say he is nothing like the man I thought he was. He told me he couldn’t go on anymore because he needed to concentrate on his family. I was hurt and sad, but understood. I thought it was good because I would never have ended it because I had never loved anyone like I loved him.

    Well how stupid was I to trust him. He broke it off with me to go with a 28 year old girl in our office. I caught them together. I was so so distraught I gave him a piece of my mind. I told him I was going to tell his wife. I now know I most likely wasn’t his first and am not his last. It was a blessing that he broke it off but I still haven’t gotten over it. It has been a year. He is still with the younger girl. I really pray he gets caught one day because he keeps hurting women. He is a narcissist.

    It would have been easier if he broke it off with me if his wife found out. Knowing he ended for someone else is hard for me to get over. I feel so used and rejected. My whole personality has changed because of this man. I still work for him because I love what I do and get paid well. I can’t quit. I think my mm would love it if I quit because now he knows I know the real person he is. He has everyone in his life thinking he is a great husband and family man. He lives a double life.

    It know it will be painful for you because you’re in a loveless marriage you can’t get in another relationship. I wish I could meet someone else to help me forget him. This was my first mm and my last. I would never go through this pain again. I want a man to be in love with only me. No more crumbs. Maybe you should separate from your husband so you can find true love.

    I hope things work out for you the way you want them to but as we all find out, most of the time there isn’t a happy ending being with a mm.

  280. Hi Taylor . It sound like you already know it’s not working out for you but right now the crumbs are enough because you are scared of being alone and dealing and focusing on your broken marriage. You need to close one chapter before starting a need new . This affair is not what you need but it a distraction and it don’t all value to your life . His wife knows about the affair so it’s only a matter of time before he cut you loose . Let go of our affair parters is hard but it go nowhere but in heartbreak and misery. I wish you luck in doing what’s right but your faith in god for strength and guidance.

  281. Want a quick way to find out exactly what you mean to these men? Want a quick way to have your attraction for them go from 100 to 0 in seconds? Then put him in a risky situation.
    So I met him Thursday he didn’t turn up at our meeting place but text to say he was stuck on the phone at work and could I come to his work place and wait around the corner. I wasn’t very happy to say the least as I’ve gone out of my way a few times for him just lastly but still I went. I get in his car and we drive a few streets away.. an hour later he takes me back to my car just as a few of his colleagues were leaving. Well ladies! I have never in all these years seen a man turn into such a child.. he pulls over twice, tells me to ‘duck’ then speeds past like a pathetic child. I wish now I had just jumped out the car and walked back!! He could tell I wasn’t impressed and he said ‘I’ll text you tomorrow’. He never did!!
    Now I know his wife is on his case about me although she doesn’t know anything she is still threatened from some texts she saw 12 years go & for some reason she’s flared up again… I think she’s seen me out a few times recently. They talked about me all night on their wedding anniversary meal apparently and she’s on his case about his what’s app activity so now he daren’t go on.
    It’s his birthday on Tuesday and mine on Friday I do not intend to send him a message & if I get nothing on Friday then I’ll just assume we are finally done and this finally sits well with me.
    I understand he’s got to be careful but I found the whole thing so disrespectful & he really didn’t care for my feelings.. it really showed me what i am.. I’m nothing & he will protect his life no matter what.
    We’ve been in and out of no contact for months now but this for me was such an eye opener. Only months ago he was telling me all the usual sweet talking stuff. I guess when the wife is on their case it’s easier to back away and throw us to the side lines.
    But what happens when the dust at home settles? He will be back.. this is his pattern, in the meantime I hope he’s miserable and missing me. I do know the man for me will be driving around the city after me and not the other way around!
    I can’t tell you how much this whole episode as put me off him.. seeing him panic and act like such a kid it’s made me wonder what I ever saw him. Under the thumb and scared of his wife but he would never admit to that. Let him get on with it. I’m off to find a real man and not a child.
    So ladies.. trust me it works!! These men are cowards and seeing them in action in a risky place is a huge huge turn off.
    Onwards and upwards & I’ll be keeping my phone at home on his birthday!! We deserve more. We’ve got this ladies.

  282. Hi Taylor,
    Yes I have been through this. My ex-mm wife found out about us twice and both times it ended. After the first time he swore he would never do that to me again even if the wife found out. He said he would never be out of my life again. Lies. He did it to me again. This is what they do. They can’t help themselves. They don’t know how to be strong. Typical mm saying he does not want to split up his marital assets or look like the bad guy in front of his family. They are cowards and sneak around behind people’s back. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but based on what I have been through and what you are writing in your post I feel like he is setting you up for the big discard, but, beware, he will keep the door cracked because they do not completely discard, they like to keep the door cracked a little bit so they can come back and screw you up even more. Now is the time to go NC. I know it is super hard but he doesn’t deserve you.

  283. Hi! I need advice, thoughts, support please!!! I posted awhile back, I have been involved with a mm for over 5 years. I am married as well, but have been in a loveless bad marriage for many many years, and have only stayed for my kids sake and financial reasons. I had been friends with mm for 15 years before we ever got involved. He pursued me for several years, before I did agree to go out with him, which eventually led to our relationship. It’s definitely been filled with LOTS of ups and downs, usually the stress of him having limited ability to text or talk, and not a lot of time to see each other. We have made it work to the best that we could, usually seeing each other once a week. We have for the most part at least texted every day, even if they were short. We NEVER talked about running away together or even being together in the future. I never, ever asked him to leave his wife for me or even insinuated that I wanted him to do that. We really were living day by day with our relationship. So…our last day together was last Thursday, we met at a park. We had a great time, we always love to sit and hold hands and talk and it was just wonderful. I drove away thinking as stressed as I get over not hearing from him on weekends, or sometimes wondering what him and wife are doing, things like that…. I felt the good was enough for me for now. I was pretty darn happy that day!! Well, Friday he was off work, and wife is a teacher, so she is off all Summer. We texted a little bit through out the day when he could. Sometimes he would text me Good night, he didn’t that night, but I didn’t think too much about it. So I am at the gym yesterday morning and I got a text from him saying that we had a problem his wife saw our texts from the day before and started asking questions. ( I should mention, 6 months into our relationship, she saw some texts then too. He told her we were just good friends, and some how got her to believe it. She said we needed to “cool it” with the texts, and he freaked out and we broke up for a few months then it all started again)…..so anyways, I guess she saw our texts on Friday, and started in on the questions again. We didn’t really say too much in out texts, however of all things we were talking about my period!! I am anemic, and also 50 years old, I get VERY bad periods and get really sick during that time of the month. So, he was asking how I was feeling. Needless to say, she was wondering why in the world he was talking to me about that! Anyways… he was able to call me quickly yesterday morning and said he didn’t know what’s going to happen. He was on his way to play hockey and would be talking to her when he got home. He wasn’t sure what she would believe or not, but was very concerned. He had said all along he never wanted to get a divorce. He makes a lot of money and said he would never want to give her half of that which he has worked so hard for….so, I know he is very worried about that. And he has a daughter who he is very close with and worried about what she would think, etc. He did make a comment to me that he hoped I understood, but no matter what happened, he couldn’t leave the wife for me. Which I then made it clear to him, that I never asked him to!! He said no matter what, I will always be very special to him, and he was feeling very sad and mad at himself (for he always erases our texts, but just hadn’t had the chance that night to do so yet)….he said we will meet some time Monday to talk more and then I will find out exactly what happened this weekend at their household. So…. I am not even sure how to feel! Part of me is SOOOO sick to my stomach and sad, and thinking that this is probably the end, and how do I move forward…..the other part of me is thinking, maybe this is a blessing in disguise for me. I know in my heart this can’t go on forever, and I also know there is no future with him and that I would probably never get the strength to ever break it off with him….so is this my chance to have it end mutually, with no hard feelings and begin the healing process… And lastly, has anyone been involved in a situation like this to where the wife found out, but he did want to continue the relationship? I just don’t know how I am feeling right now to be honest!!! Any advice and thoughts would be greatly appreciated, thank you!!!!

  284. Listen I think I was honestly disturbed during my time with him, some of the things I did I am truly ashamed of, I thought you were wild and passionate lovers, but really now that I look back, he was using me. I was in love with that man deeply and I wanted him and wanted to spend any amount of time with him. He would come over here for an hour then go back to his wife. Crumbs.. I’m not doing crumbs anymore.

  285. I am so embarrassed about the things that I have said and done, with the ex mm.
    I confided in him. Told him my deepest thoughts and hopes. He is a psychiatrist! He said that he loved me but he can’t claim ignorance over the effects of the damage of my upbringing.
    That’s love??
    Knowing full well what to expect from a person with my background? And capitalizing off of that?

    That is not love. Why did I do that to myself? Crumbs.

    I am seeing a therapist twice a week since November. It is helping but I still cry when I think of our time together. I miss talking to him but I don’t really know him. I only know what he allowed me see. An illusion. And I allowed it until I could not deny it anymore.

    That is my first and last time with any mm. Done.

  286. For some reason I can not reply to any of the posts. Xxx, one reason I think these relationships are harder to get over than a normal breakup is the ghosting. My mm is still alive in my thoughts but It is like I am grieving a dead person. I don’t think it is fair to me or anyone else to start a new relationship with someone else until I can get past all this.

  287. This has made me realize that something was badly lacking in me to get to this place. Why would I settle for crumbs and be a third wheel in another marriage? Why would I lower my boundaries this way? I’m embarrassed to admit to some of the things I did to be with him. It makes me sick, but I just wants to spend any amount of time with him. I truly did love him and instead of treating me with respect and care he took advantage of that and sadly I allowed it to happen. It’s my fault and that’s the hard, cold truth that I’ve got to face and work through now. I’ve got to start rebuilding my life. I’ve been angry at him and lashed out for a good long while now but I have got to get past this and forgive myself and him too.

    Anna you post had me thinking…I think about that as well…How I accepted being with a MM…knowing that he goes home to another woman I was okay with it….I cant believe myself…I have to say its due to low self esteem…from childhood to adulthood I was never picked or chosen as the pretty one or attractive one… maybe it was because I was to big, my chipped tooth, etc ..

    years later I finally got my tooth fixed, lost some weight…and this one guy finally notices me…and later on I find out he’s married!!!! smh…oh the regret!!! why do married men do this?

  288. Hi Sad in Love,
    So I tried dating a month or so after the break up. I dated a guy I went to high school with and also tried online dating. Long story short, I figured out I am not ready. I have significant issues I need to work through from this relationship before I can be with anyone else right now. I compare everyone else to mm, and I am concerned about getting into another bad situation. I have had other married/attached men approach me and I don’t understand what it is about me that is attracting these men. I deserve a single man who can give me what I deserve. It is hard to find a single man at this age and I’m tired of the married men looking to fool around on their wives or significant others. I don’t mean to sound like I’m bashing men because I love men. But I am tired of men looking for a piece of ass, excuse my language. I have a lot more to offer than that. It’s turned me off of dating. I guess you could say I’m on a break to work on myself and recover. This took a huge toll on me and I want to be alone for a while.

  289. Hi Anna, I think that these moods of forgiving and being angry don’t easily go away. I don’t know why it is not as easy to overcome this as a normal relationship. My mm has certain problems that I am aware of, and now I am like should I not even ask because here is where I completely disappear from the picture or should I ask even when (a) I have not right to ask and (b) I would be marked as his chaser. And I don’t want to downgrade myself again just because of my trauma bond. I also don’t want to appear as wanting him back or wanting to destroy his marriage. Just want to know if he is doing ok, but again, he never asked me how I was doing. I am sure he would put me through the same torture only if I were less aware of his psychology. I don’t know…it is amazing.. how they just cut you off as if you never existed. Not even wanting to keep you as a friend or after so many shared stories, not even wondering if there are some news regarding all that. I think this is what makes us still so consumed by this, I honestly saw these things before only in the movies.

  290. Hi Sad in Love,
    I had a photo of us from one of our trips up in my office for a long time but I took it down about a month ago and stuck it in a drawer. The photos are still on my phone but they are way back on my camera roll and I’d have to scroll back to see them. I don’t want to delete them. I don’t want to erase him like he never existed. I loved him, it was real, at least to me. You are in a very early stage of the NC where the emotion is raw. You will go through many ups and downs. It’s like a roller coaster. These breakups are nothing like a normal breakup. There is no closure. I’ve heard it said from other people who have been through this that you take a step forward and a step back for months and then one day you wake up and find you surge forward. I am still waiting for that big surge. I am doing a lot of internal work on myself that was long overdue but it is well worth it. The only real advice I can give is to stick to the NC, be kind and patient with yourself, lean on this group. Reading about narcissism is also very helpful as I firmly believe many of these men have the traits.

  291. Hi Sad & love . Yes it does help to get rid of old messages and delete his telephone number that will take away any temptation to reach out to him . It told me 4 months to get rid of everything of him because it hurts to keep them because I felt it wasn’t his honest feelings it was a lie ! I recently went on FB and saw his family summer outing he looked like he had everything he wanted in life . I never really existed and he turned out to be the invisible man gone just like that . I’m in a better place now . I hope you get there too ! Positive Vibes .

  292. I have a question for the women here and its out of curiosity. How many of you are dating again? If so, how long was it before you started dating and if you are not dating do you want to again, has anyone considered online dating. Have you been to therapy to address the issues that caused you to remain in these types of relationships. Someone mentioned to me about dating and of course I am NOT ready its not even been two weeks, I need to heal and reevaluate, but I dont want to be alone forever and I do like being in a relationship, so I was just wondering.

  293. My experience with mm similar to all others on here. He came on like gangbusters at the start, was really keen to keep in contact throughout the days. Then gradually it waned, 1 or 2 days would pass incommunicado, eventually a week would go by, then 2 or 3 weeks silence.

    I’m angry he didn’t have the guts to speak his mind & say what was really going on. Instead of excuses about being tired or busy. Eventually he stopped wanting to hang out & was just coffee. He was stringing me along. I would get fed up & withdraw but not telling him why. I figured – why should I let him into my heart about how I really feel? Sure if he were my boyfriend & treated me as such. But he was far from that. I was nothing to him. It was all about validation, not even so much sex. He never wanted to be completely naked anyway, just do hot & heavy. I felt like a toy he was using, then he got tired of it.

    Think I gave him the confidence to start hitting on other women. Frankly all he has to offer is charm, no substance. Our conversations were superficial unless I listened to all his problems. He constantly sought sympathy about how others were picking on him, or how his daughter was so sick or that his uncle died.

    Eventually it was easier to walk away from as in the end he couldn’t even be bothered to initiate a text. The good times are long gone, not even bread crumbs left. I realize now he wasn’t even a friend to me.

    Some ladies remember & appreciate the good times they had with mm. For me they are too distant to hold on to.

    I will never ever again accept a so called friend ship with a mm. I’m not good with casual relationships because I tend to “care” too much & get attached. I dont Express my emotions well, keep it all inside. Telling a mm what you feel will fall on deaf ears anyway. As they dont care enough to deserve your heart.

  294. Anna you are asking yourself great questions and I’m asking myself the same, why did I get involved with him, why did I allow myself to be the OW when it’s so humiliating and why did I shortchange myself. Clearly, I need therapy to address this because I will do it again in some way. Theres apart of me that feels unworthy and undeserving and I believe that’s why I tolerated it and I cherished the good times. But deep down even in the best times, I knew it was temporary and fleeting. Nothing in these relationships can last. It’s very very difficult to deal with this but it’s been 9 days and I’m still standing.

  295. This has made me realize that something was badly lacking in me to get to this place. Why would I settle for crumbs and be a third wheel in another marriage? Why would I lower my boundaries this way? I’m embarrassed to admit to some of the things I did to be with him. It makes me sick, but I just wants to spend any amount of time with him. I truly did love him and instead of treating me with respect and care he took advantage of that and sadly I allowed it to happen. It’s my fault and that’s the hard, cold truth that I’ve got to face and work through now. I’ve got to start rebuilding my life. I’ve been angry at him and lashed out for a good long while now but I have got to get past this and forgive myself and him too.

  296. Hi Ladies, I thought I was doing better with this and it sorta just got worse tonight but I decided to take the pictures of us down and the cards ect. I watched a video on this issue and the woman narrating said you have to remove vestiges of the person and it seemed to help. I dont want to but I am going to delete the pictures from my phone too. How have others addressed the issue of moving on and what have you done to be successful so this is not gnawing at you. I realize this just happened so its going to take more time,

  297. I really agree with the woman who addressed the nature of these relationships in terms of how unavailable they are and I asked the same questions regarding what if something happened to me, would you come to the hospital, what if I had a major crisis could you be there for me? Clearly, for most of them the answer is no and even if they could do something, its very limited in scope and its because they will NEER do anything that will disrupt their home life. My MM did help me through some tough times but at this point he is not and its because he is on the hot seat and trying to rescue and salvage his marriage. This period of N.C while very horrible has been so good because I have been forced to face the reality of the situation, when we talked daily all the time, I did not have to really think about how much I was deprived of what I should really have. My cousin asked me why am I in this situation, why am I tolerating being the OW/ and its because I did not want to face THIS. This reeks badly, being alone, nobody to cuddle with, nobody to talk to, the emptiness and sadness is overwhelming. I did not want to face this so its why I allowed myself to have the crumbs because the crumbs were enough, they filled me up. Now, I dont even have the crumbs, but thats OK, God is feeding me, he is my companion, I have him to go to and of course this wonderful site and talking (figuratively) to you ladies. I will get through this and yes it helps to acknowledge that he did not love me enough, not enough to call, not enough to stop the pain. And, I deserve a man who loves me enough.

  298. I just wanted to say one other thing and it kind of echoes what other ladies have said on this site… when I look at photos of mm’s family and I look at where I am right now, even over 3 months after the affair has ended, it feels like it was a dream I had, and I can’t even prove to anyone that it was real. I have his emails, messages, his letters, and a bunch of photos and videos of him and a few photos of us, but other than that, nothing. I liked Tricia’s metaphor of the imaginary friend. That is what he was like for me. In fact, he used to tell me that he thought he was meant to get me through some hard times in life a few years ago when my mother died. I wish I had gotten out years ago. Please get out of this early and save yourselves. Keep whatever happy memories you have in your heart and save your sanity. These men can offer us absolutely nothing but heartbreak.

  299. As angry as I have been over this, my mm gave me some happy moments that I don’t regret having. I have literally thousands of messages from him, handwritten mail that he sent me or gave me, typewritten letters, flowers, etc. He was old fashioned in some ways, it was not all sex. It sounds strange to say about an affair, but I felt we had a special connection. That is over now but will always be in my heart. Sometimes I think about running into him on the street or about what would happen if I was in his part of town or near his office.

    I have been dealing with a lot of stuff lately and it hurts that he just walked out and left me with all this to deal with. I think about how close we were and I used to ask him what if something happened, would you be there for me? And now I realize that I could never rely on him and I was right. I used to tell him I felt like we were the ones who were married in our hearts and he agreed. What a joke. We used to use strictly email to communicate and I used to have to wait on his reply. I had my phone in my hand all the time to the point I got carpal tunnel syndrome in my wrist from holding the phone. And I would sit and stare at the phone like a zombie waiting on his reply. I asked him, what if I got in a car wreck, how would I reach you? What if I had to stay in the hospital, could you be there? He just sat there in silence. There was my answer. No answer is an answer.

    People make mistakes and fall in love, okay fair enough tbh. But these mm know they can’t follow through but instead of throwing on the breaks and being honest, they keep it up and tell the OW that she’s the loves of his life and dangling hope. So this is where the double deception comes in. He is already cheating on the wife but now lying to the OW as well knowing that he has no intention of leaving the wife ever. Instead of working things out with the wife, the mm brings the other woman in and makes her loyal to him and breaks her spirit and trauma bonds her to him. Then he is free to enjoy his family and the marriage gets even better because the OW is providing everything he is lacking at home. The OW is a third wheel propping up the marriage. All he has to do is throw some sweet words to the OW and see her a few hours a week. Those words kept me hanging on for years and he knew it. He should have been honest and let me go.

    I think the more the OW complain about the arrangement, the mm start having it put in their face that they are hurting everyone and not seeing a way out no matter which way they turn because they know they are lying to everyone. They are basically somewhere on the narcissist spectrum, maybe not full blown but they are there somewhere, look at the behavior, they are lying to the wife and the OW so they don’t really know what to do because which ever way they turn someone gets badly hurt and it’s their fault. It’s all about them. They have shame over this (not guilt narcissist don’t feel guilt) and hate themselves. And I do not think they will change unless they are exposed or get caught, they will continue.

  300. Bells Paws, Something you said is spot on for me and I am certain many other women on this site. We need to look at the our childhoods. The common stories are of abandonment or abuse by father, parents, etc. I fit this exact category. As adults it distorts the reality of what real, healthy, unconditional love is. These mm may claim to love us but their actions speak louder than words. We ladies are survivors way before these mm even came into our lives. We need to develop the self worth and truly believe we deserve much more and stop the cycle of this emotional abuse these mm are doing to us.

  301. Hi Sad & love . I truly do believe they care about us ladies but love I doubt it ? If a man love you truly he would be with you and show it he wouldn’t want to see you in pain nor suffering you would be apart of his world . I think some of us ladies really want to believe that so we won’t feel foolish about being with a married man and being also abandoned so we need to feel that he did I get it . But I been around men that love a woman and this ain’t it . But we need to place value on ourselves so we would attract the right type of man who will love us . Hugs

  302. Hi Anonymous.. that is great! Don’t be a miserable girl who will follow the wife on instagram.
    What I can tell you for sure, the wives will forgive them, no doubt about it. Well, they won’t forgive, but they will choose to “believe” them. And that will go on until the ows completely lose their interest and stop following what goes on there. As for the men, far from the sight far from the heart. Very few men will think a lot about the ows, especially the narcissists. I even think it is not uncommon that they would use the name of the ow the wife knows about as a distraction from his new Cinderella, to protect her from the cruel stepmother, aka wife. What can I say.. I still cannot wake up from the shock of what I went through – what a man did I get to love! Every day I have a battle in my head between forgiving him and hating him. I know though that I never want to go back to the miserable state I was in before. That man could not have for once resisted from betraying me.
    But not all the mm are like that, I do believe that. I read also the stories from the men who loved ows and suffered for years after the affair finished. Some men take the marriage before love, that is just like that. Other men destroy everything they touch because they dont respect nor love nor marriage. And there are those who are looking for a fix outside the marriage. All of them should completely be avoided.

  303. Hi ladies . Allow me to take you to your childhood how many of you had a imaginary friend? He only came around when you was in trouble and he stayed until you grew up and over come your fear . But when he did come around you had the best times of your life and no one knew about him but you and everybody thought you crazy ? Well I had a imaginary friend my mom died when I was 8 yrs old so I developed my own little world . I see these married men as a imaginary friend for grow women who are somehow in need of something in their life .And that is how we get a IF and he give us the best times of our lives and allow us to be mischievous and it’s like an adventure but as we start to grow up the Mm start to faded away slowly because we start slowly not needing our special friend . I wanted to share my observations with you ladies . Something to think about . Stay strong ladies .

  304. Hi Bells paw . When my married man left me It felt like wonderful dream that ended now here comes my reality and my reality was I had no relationship with no one It never existed . He belonged to somebody else he lived a life where I didn’t exist either . Being with a married man is like having a fantasy relationship only you know it real but cannot prove it . I also believe the love bomb stuff is to keep you in a unhealthy relationship and to keep us playing second runner up and feel good about it when they know good well they ain’t never leaving . I felt like I was grieving a death and not the lost of a lover. I feel all the ladies pain but this is a learning experience. And yes I do think they care about us but not the way we want or deserve but it really don’t matter because it can never be real like the relationship and love they have for their wives .

  305. Regarding whether the M.,M care about us and yes I definitely think those who have been in the picture a long while DO care and maybe in some ways love us. But here is the DEAL, they dont care enough to get a divorce, they dont care enough to call us when we hurt, they dont care enough to tell their families about US, they dont care enough to make us their number one priority. They will do anything to save their marriage if its disclosed they beg and weep and apologize to their wives. So, at the end of the day, whether they care or not, they dont care nearly enough and as women who have been involved with them, we must care about ourselves enough NOT TO CARE about them. Its hard and its work and it helps to remember that they are probably not worried about our feelings, their goal regardless of how unfaithful they were/are is to keep their wives happy and placated.

  306. XXX-I forgot to add…free from comparing myself to her…Free!!!

    But I must disagree with a comment on here….These MM may not be in love with us…But I do think they care…they cant allow their feelings to get to deep for us…so they distance themselves…because at the end of the day….its a dead end relationship…

  307. Stupid to go there!!

    So I came on this site 7 months ago and the advice you gave me was to get out now as I’d only been having an affair for 2 month’s. Oh how I should have listened!! We were both married and lived near each other, I have since left my husband, but I still carried it on with my MM it was the only stable thing I really had in my life and didn’t want to let go. We’ve only slept together twice, but done a lot of other things, but more than anything he became my best friend. We called every morning on the way to work and on the way home. We didn’t really have much time together at most 30mins a week, so it was always rushed. It never promised my anything and said he would never leave his wife, which was fine as I didn’t want him to as he had 2 kids. Bit I just loved the attention he gave me. Anyway be finally changed jobs and left my area on Friday but said we would still work something out, we text a few times on the Saturday and I sent one back saying ‘already looking forward to our next special hug’ well apparently his wife saw this and now he’s told me not to contact him as he’s struggling to keep it together! I feel really bad but I know it takes 2 of us and he was careless to let her see it. He told her it was harmless flirting for a few months and that’s all. Do you think his wife was mad at him and I’m guessing she’ll just forgive him in the end . I’m devastated and I feel sick all the time I can’t eat and struggle through work I don’t want to do anything. Any advice would be gratefully received. Does this feeling ever go I know it’s probably for the best as I was only getting crumbs anyway. Xx

  308. So I am out enjoying a beautiful day with friends this weekend and who do I see at a place we went to. Mm and wife. I saw them from a distance walking in my direction. I had sunglasses on so I acted like I didn’t see them and turned another direction. I am certain he saw me but also. Ironically when we pulled in the parking lot I thought was his vehicle. His wife knows who I am. I don’t know if she saw me. It would have been extremely uncomfortable if I actually walked past them. It’s not like I can say hi. My friends and I didn’t plan on staying long anyway so I avoided him until we left. My one friend knows most of our relationship, and I was just telling her earlier today how I changed my email address to cut off communication with him. This is not the first time I ended up at a place he/she were also at. I know I can’t live life in a bubble and stop living my life in fear of running into him/her, but it sucks. It like rubbing salt in the wounds. Some may say it’s Karma, idk. Every time I look at her I think how different she and I are. It’s not right to compare. We each have qualities that were attractive to him. My friend consoled me and said I need to start believing I am worthy of so much more than his scraps as well as a healthy, happy relationship built on honesty and trust. I know it’s life and most everyone at some point runs into an ex. It sucks if there are still feelings. At least I won’t have to worry about whether or not he will try to communicate with me by emailing me when he can safely do so to mention seeing me this weekend. He has done this in the past when this happened and says his emotions get all stirred up when he sees me, and that’s when I fell weak to him. Now I won’t know either way. It’s better I not know.

  309. Yes I agree, their wife always comes first . Even if they don’t feel that big towards their wife, she still always comes first. She is always their priority. My MM’s actions said it all- he sweet talked me, he was very convincing with his words, i believed he loved me and had true feelings for me, but i’m not so sure anymore. His actions did the opposite. He sweet talked me when he wanted something, but the rest of the time nothing, even when he knew it hurt me, that’s not true or love. We confuse lust and sex with love, we fall, for the words over the actions because we want to believe and in some ways we are gullible and vulnerable. I hate to say it, but I do feel used and abused but i blame myself entirely and I hate myself for having allowed it to happen and for being so giving and lacking all boundaries. We believe our love will win them over in the end, but it never does, they simply use it as a a way to get what they want, to manipulate us and we are left the losers and hurt, not them. But MM doesn’t know what hurt is, he is so contained and OK, he is incapable of feeling any real hurt. i can understand what happened, like a lot of the ladies on this site, i had no father in my life and no parental love or acceptance. This older, loving, kindly man came along and gave me everything i have been missing all my life and it knocked me sideways, thats why the loss and the affect is so deep and meaningful ,it feels like i’ve lost everything again . its a bad place to be in and its why I don;t want to place the blame upon him but address my own deficits and why I was so vulnerable to him in the first place so it doesn’t happen again.

    But i do feel so hurt and it hurts all the more to think he;s come out of it unscathed and i’m the one left with all the pain while he just carries on with his great life.

  310. I feel wretchedly heartbroken and deeply sad and tearful. I feel confused and lost. I don’t think I understand. Was I fooled by him? What was real, what wasn’t? I feel such a sense of loss. In the puff of an email he is all gone. All of him. I even find myself wondering if he ever existed, whether what we had was real, or a dream I’ve hung onto to. What went on and what really happened? I can’t make sense of it.

    I adored my MM. I loved him through and through. He meant the world to me. I poured all my love and affection onto him and he took it all. He allowed all my love and feelings for him and he gave me sweet words in return. But I’m left now, completely heartbroken and alone while he carries on with his great life with his family and all his snobby social network and friends, his great job , his holidays and keeping up appearances.

    I want to believe the best- that it was genuine , his feelings for me were true too and all his words were true. I’ve re read some of our earlier messages and he really was into me big time at the beginning. He thanked me for coming into his world. He sent me messages of pure love and affection around the clock. Things then began to wane, fewer messages, less affection, more distance and coolness. Until the last few weeks where i really felt compartmentalised- I was just someone for him to dip into for a few hours at his convenience. The rest f the time he was totally incommunicado. He showed little consideration for my feelings unless he wanted something and I was totally separate from his life. Discarded for 99% of this time as an inconvenience while he was busy with all his other plans , that all excluded me. It was extremely hurtful and painful to experience. I tried to be strong and out on a cheerful front. On the very few occasions I would try to ( gently ) raise how difficult I found his cut offs in an email- it was ignored, In fact, towards the end, all my emails – both lovely ones and querying ones went unreplied to. When I tried to ask anything in person it was deftly avoided, ’lets not talk about things now’.

    I’m left with all the feelings and the hurt and it feels like he’s just moved on without a second’s thought . Why doesn’t he reach out to me if he cared? See how I am, show some thought , some feeling?

    I know he never will. I bet my house I’ll never hear from him again – he knows he has nothing to give, he knows I want more and im hurt and he doesn’t want any risk of any back lash or consequences in his back yard. I have to be so hard and tough and ride it out myself, but OMG it hurts and I feel wretched inside.

    I love him but part of him is weak and apathetic with his situation. He’s not happy in his marriage but he gives a 100 excuses why not to do anything- it’s the comfort of inertia and security (and snobbery and finances) that stops him.

    But were they just sweet words and nothing more? If he really did have feelings like he told me, why did he treat me that way ? it doesn’t take much to send a text but it would have meant so much to me in those long silences and emotional voids. If he wanted to he could have arranged weekends and time away. But he didn’t. he is the archetype man who wants his cake and to eat it.

    If he’s committed to his wife any family then why does he play around with other people and cause so much unnecessary hurt? I don’t know if he just played me and I was taken for a fool. I don’t know the answers to any of this.
    How can he be so hurtful and thoughtless?
    Or is it me?
    I don’t know anything any more. I miss him, and I am hurt by him. Sad and cross all at once. I don’t know what to think or what was real .

    But what I do know for sure is that affairs with MM are perhaps one of the worst things- there is no outcome, no resolve, no where to go with your feelings that are taken and allowed to deepen, but all for nothing. I’m left like there has been the sudden inexplicable death of someone I loved dearly and I’m left feeling dazed and confused by ti all , not quite able to understand what has happened.

  311. Hi ladies . I want to say something without coming off harsh or insensitive because I’ve been there . But these married men don’t love us nor respect us !!! They tell us this crap to keep us dazed and confused !! And also they that he gave me everything in the relationship he was my everything well got to play his part to keep us happy so we keep them happy . But it’s all a lie ! An illusion a fantasy a damn good dream !!! And at some point you will wake up because you won’t have a choice because he will leave you either he just get caught or bored with us . And it don’t matter how it end because in the end you will be the one holding the empty bag of dreams . And ladies the longer you stay the deeper the affair the harder it will be on you. I too believe everything that came out of my married man mouth and wanted the dream too but 8 months out I can family see the light and yes I do think of him but I’m never playing second fliddle again !!! Ladies don’t let the love bomb fool you because we will leave you I don’t care how many yrs you been with me chances are you won’t be the next wife !!! Good luck ladies .

  312. Hi Ladies, I have read the comments about our sadness about these m.m’s when we are no longer with them or they just are not around and I love mine too, but it is so clear from reading these posts that ALL of us deserve SO MUCH BETTER. We just have to really sit down and analyze the situation and yes we will miss them and yes we love them but we are not getting what we should and really neither our their wives and yes they get more than we do but they are living with a man who deep down does not respect them, does not truly love them and will do this to us. I have really been coping well, my M.M, because he is dealing with an extremely irate wife, has not called but messaged me that all hell is breaking loose, but this is his fault and mine too, I will always care about him he has been very very good to me in so many ways that I could never hate him, but I must for my own sake move on and trust that God has someone for me who can be mine exclusively or maybe God does not but go with Gods plan. We will be OK. I tried to reply to some individuals and could not.

  313. Hello! I have been reading through posts on this site for awhile, and am finally ready to post my story. I have been involved with a mm for almost 6 years. We were friends for many years before we got involved. HE pursued me for a couple of years before I finally caved and went out with him. Just to clarify, I am also married, but in a very loveless marriage which has been for a very long time. I have kids, and have stayed for their sake only. When I finally agreed to go out with mm, he told me that he and his wife get along as friends, but that is about it. He was up front saying they never had sex, but also made it sound like they really only were together for their kids sake as well. We started off great, we had a much better connection than I ever envisioned. We could talk and talk for hours and then once we became physical, WOW, probably the best I have ever had in my life (and I am 51 years old). Not long into our relationship, his wife saw a text from me and questioned him. He apparently got “out of it”, but it scared him and he told me we needed to cool things down. We did for a few months, but then started back up. Over the last 6 years, we have had many of these ups, downs, stopping, starting over, etc….and of course, all of those decisions have been HIS terms. Like many others here, I can only text with him when he is by himself, or during the work week. Which means the weekends SUCK waiting around to hear from him, or it could be hours between replies due to his family being around. So, here is where my story is a little different. We have NEVER said I love you to each other, nor even insinuated it at all. We have also NEVER talked about him leaving his wife for me, or me getting a divorce etc. We have never made any kind of future plans together, none of that. Our relationship has really solely been based on good friends, good chats, and great sex when we find the time to be together. I know tho that I give WAY more than he does, I always have. He disappoints me and stresses me out constantly, but then we will have our day together of fun and I seem to forget all about the stress. :-( All that being said, I REALLY want to be the one to break ties with him for good. I know I am in a relationship that is going nowhere, but I also know I am not looking to get into any other kind of relationship now. I have to eventually work on getting myself out of my marriage. And I think I hold on to mm, just because it’s almost a safe relationship for me. I have other guys interested in me, but I have no desire to get involved with anyone else. So…all that being said, I want to be the one to end things with him so bad. I am tired of waiting around to hear from him, and quite frankly, it’s not right the HE gets the best of both worlds. My marriage is BAD, there is no friendship at home, no nothing. His marriage is pretty darn good, from what I gather, and again, why should HE get the best of both. But…just like others have struggled, how do I find the strength to break it off with him? Every time I get upset (which I am this morning for I thought I would hear from him last night and never did), I think I have the strength to tell him it’s over….but then he will send some kind of nice text, and I go back to thinking that things are ok. Any advice would be appreciated please!! I am SO sick over this,I didn’t sleep at all last night and I am so TIRED of him consuming all my thoughts for what???

  314. 2 weeks of NC with MM. I ended up on his social media page yesterday and there I see him posting happy pictures with his wife and baby. That was a kick to the stomach tbh. I don’t understand how these men can be cheating one minute and be acting happy and posing for pictures with their wives the next. Are they actually happy? How do they lead double lives? Baffles me.

  315. XXX-I did it…I unfollowed her instagram..i feel so free…feel like a weight as been lifted off my shoulders…free from the jealousy, free from her highlight reel…free from imagining her seemingly perfect life…free from the stalking, free from the obsession….Im done…Ill never allow her on any social media platform ever again…time for me to live my perfect life…thank you XXX, I needed that tough love…

  316. I hate the weekends. He spent a couple of hours with me last night, and he sneaked a call to me today, but this sucks! It really makes me question wth I’m doing and how I got here. We’ve been together 9 months. He pursued me so hard until I felt defenseless. I miss the love bombing from the early days. Now he lives in fear of his suspicious wife. I mean no disrespect to her, of course. The whole situation is effed up.

    As wrong as it is, I love this man. He is very sweet and loving towards me but not to the extent of the early days, but in some ways it’s a deeper connection and not just lust-driven. He travels well out of his way to see me. He calls me at least twice a day during the week. He visits me when he can on the weekends, but it’s only about 2 or 3 times a month (we are 2.5 hrs apart).

    So why am I on this site if he’s “so great”? I guess because I get tired of spending my weekends in depression and realizing that the r/s is probably going to stay just like it is. I force myself to go out and have fun, and I have my hobbies, and have other options as far as dates, but I miss him so much and dwell on him being with her while I’m home alone. This is not ok. Nothing about it is ok. No other man strikes my fancy. Not even close nor do I need a man to complete me. I fell for him so hard, which is a total shock because I had sworn off men for years after my husband left for the OW (some men do leave their wives). I’m mad at myself for letting my defenses down and letting him get into my head and heart (and bed). If I had it to do over again…no way! The emotional roller coaster is too much. It’s the highest high when we’re together or in communication , and the lowest low on days like today. But I cannot find the strength to walk away. My feelings are too deep. We say we love each other. I believe he does love me. But he “can’t” leave her “yet” due to various things, but I don’t think he ever will. Most men are cowards when it comes to that. He’s afraid of the backlash and scandal if he left. I get that. But where does that leave me? To be kept a dark secret and never being priority.

    I’m rambling. All I wanted to say is that the weekends suck!

  317. I got involved with mm at work for a year but ended it with him last month. Do not think he had any feelings for me at all. It was about validating him and giving him attention. It was all about him. I knew it was a dead end. At first I was addicted to the intensity and because obsessed with him. Unfortunately my work suffered & I wasn’t sleeping. I had to go on sick leave for 2 weeks to return to normal.

    My childhood with no mother or father explains why I settled for this to begin with. I’m so ashamed. This is my 2nd mm experience. I know it is bad for me but I fall for their charms.

    When returned to work I told him not to contact me anymore and insisted he request a desk move to the other end of the office. I rarely see him anywhere which is great.

    However recently I suddenly notice 2 other mm have come out of the wood work are are being overtly friendly. These two used to walk by me like I didn’t exist. I have NO interest whatsoever in them and I don’t respond to their friendly behavior.

    I fear my mm has told others in the office about our affair. I feel I am being targeted suddenly out of the blue by other mm at work I dont know what to do.

    I feel quite humiliated. I dont talk to my mm anymore and plan to keep it that way. Perhaps I should look at getting another job.

  318. Hi ladies almost 4 days of N.C. I’m with Gods help surviving, still miss him, still deep down want to talk to him but gradually accepting that this is it and thinking about the devastation that both of us heaped on another person. I’m praying and reading and today for the first time feel like I can make it, I still have our pictures and cards up but taking them down today.

  319. Hi Nomad. I know the feeling of not being able to go places where I went with mm or near where he may be. Today I am back on track and I’m ok again. In my post to Anna my auto correct set in and said I couldn’t not think badly of him. It was supposed to say I could not think badly of him. I still love and care about him and I know I have to love him enough to let him go and sort out his life. I am hopeful that I will find the right one for me but I am living my life the best way I can. You are doing great with nc. I know it’s difficult but I found the more things I did for me the less it hurts. I have always been self destructive in the past so this time I’m trying to be kind to myself. It’s been exactly 5 months since our nc began. I honestly never thought I would survive to this point. But I have and I smile again and laugh and have been going out with friends and enjoying life. Be kind to yourself and keep moving forward. From what I remember your mm was very selfish and unkind. You don’t need him. Let him treat someone else like that. Your self worth is so important. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness and most of all love. Positive vibes and hugs 🤗

  320. Hi XXX, I know they’re happier because he admitted to me. Unlike many other MMs in stories here, my mm has always been happily married. Our relationship got deep and did affect his marriage at one point but since he went back to her, they’ve been happy again. More trips together, taking more days off, leaving work early for events…etc… She’d on a weight loss program and has lost tons of weight and is looking sexier and younger than ever, and has changed the way she dresses too. What was the push for all that if it wasn’t her sensing her husband cheating? I know there isn’t a place for me in their marriage, but I stupidly can’t help from letting it get to me, especially after what we had shared for the last 3.5 years. The thought of him playing happy family and pleasing her just makes me sad and pathetic for myself. I don’t wish for any bad to happen to them, in fact I would be very worried for him if she found out about us, but after all I’m just a human being with feelings. This man and I grew a relationship together and he said he loved me every day multiple times a day in the last 3.5 years. Like Anna said in her post, he too was my love my best friend my supporter my treasure and I miss that… he was always there for me…loving me, taking care of me, making me laugh, giving guidance, or simply just a shoulder to cry on. And now all of that is lost, I feel like I have nothing left, and the pain is so indescribable. It feels like I still have a long way to go in the healing process, and I pray to God to give me the strength to go through this very bumpy road.

  321. for some reason Im unable to reply directly to certain post…but thanks XXX~you just hit me with a dose reality….honestly Idk y I have her on social media…I don’t follow him anymore…just her-I guess Im curious to see what their lives are like from her point of view….you asked what do the pictures say, well she mostly post family pictures and pictures of their son…

    how are you able to tell what pictures say?

  322. Hi Ladies, its been 2 days of N.C and It is very tough but I have had the people who know about it coach me through. I still keep my phone on but deep down I know that he won’t call and he is not going to risk it. But, I have decided I will NOT call him. He initiated the N.C which of course is distressing because deep down I don’t think I would have. But, I am noticing that I am coping better slowly each day. Reading the stories about the M.M feels like exactly what I dealt with the highs and very deep valleys. My cousin asked me a question after I told him the big meltdown that happened between the M.M and wife and he said, first of all, he has to know you are suffering from N.C but he is not worried about YOU. He is trying to comfort her. And, why are you involved in this, why are you selling yourself short. Why are you involved in their dysfunction and why don’t you leave this for good. I realized as my cousin spoke that I am insecure, and I am afraid of being alone, I will miss the good times, but now I am thinking about THESE times, and why am I tolerating this and why do we allow these men to do this to our lives. While my pride is hurt about him not contacting me, I believe its a blessing, its a way to free myself from this addiction. I salute the ladies here who have ended it with these men, while there are some good times the bad times are NOT worth it.

  323. Hi Anna. Thank you. I guess are right. He didn’t drag me along like some of the men have to many of the women in here. My mm let me go and I never heard from him again. I don’t know what’s worse not having him reach out at all or if he would have texted me. He told me he wanted me to find someone who could take care of me the way he wasn’t able to. I guess it was an act of mercy to let me go. But as I sit here and write this the tears are flowing. I miss him so much and It hurts to not know how he feels. He was kind in the end and told me I changed his life and he was so glad to have met me. As hurt as I was I couldn’t not think badly of him. I didn’t get angry with him and I left it on a good note so he would not think badly of me. He told me he would think of me always and that I was an incredible woman. If I was so incredible why would he leave me? It is heartbreaking the stories here that these men are so terrible to women who give so much of themselves. I feel fortunate that he treated me so well and didn’t just discard me. Maybe that’s what makes it so much more difficult. I often wonder if I will ever hear from him again. I will continue to move forward and keep living my life. I know this will pass and I’ll be ok again. You will make it too. We have come so far. Every day we get further away from the shame and the pain of being in the shadow of an affair. Hugs and positive vibes 💗

  324. Hi JK .I commend you for putting yourself first and putting your faith in God too see you through this difficult time in your life because that is who we need to rely on . You are a strong woman continue to be kind to yourself and love yourself. You are a inspiring !

  325. I think the absence of your parents or their love contributed to the fact that you settled with a married man. I am not excluding myself there. It is not that you were meant to just give love, but that is how you were taught to do. That is your normal reaction. I am learning to “not be normal” anymore and take more care of this lady here who kind of went through hell and is about to get out. In my case it is not even a “married man” situation, it is a “grab your toys and get out” thing. Forgiving someone who doesn’t even ask for being forgiven is the worst pill to swallow, but it gets swallowed eventually.

  326. Sad and Love, look at our names here. You will read the posts and believe every one of us for a while… until he comes back and you choose believing him.. and on and on like that until you hit the wall with your head or he discards you for someone else. But be happy, cuz he will come back! 😇 To f… you up a bit more. Or out of boredom.. or to show the wife that you would forgive him unlike her (bad her, and good you 😇!). Good luck.

  327. What do they say, Anonymous? Tell me your story once again and I will tell you what they say. And why the hell are you following their social media? Are you trying to heal or what?

  328. My last words to my ex mm were:
    ” You can relax now. You won’t be hearing from me again”.

    I’ve given up enough of my self worth in that relationship. I’m not going to call him or communicate with him ever again.

    I said some sadly very true but insulting things to him in our last communications. When you do that to a narcissist they realize that the jig is up. I’m hip to his BS.
    He needs to stick with people he can control because it’s not going to be me.
    Bottom line: I won’t be hearing from him again. I’m quite sure of that.

  329. Bell Paws,
    I have been sticking to my last words since end Feb too. This time he didn’t reach out for the longest time.
    My last words were: You make me feel sad, your drip drops desultory text make me feel sad and pathetic. I could achieve much more without you. Get out of my life.

    I have blocked him since then and stopped checking if he has blocked me too. My gut feel was he has deleted my no, purged me from his life…

  330. Leigh Ann, Anna,

    I feel sad to learn that both of you are feeling the down today…I realised it was your positive vibes on your good days that gave me hope and strength to let be and start living for myself. I hope both of you are feeling better when you are reading this. We know we have come this far (4 months for me) including staying strong and surviving bad days when we’d sink into the poignant grief.

    Coincidentally, I had was overwhelmed by sadness tonight like you both. I thought I was ready to have dinner near his office. Of course, I didn’t choose the location but I thought no big deal as he is far and faded and I am finally done after 4 months of absolute nc. I was reminded of the stolen kisses along escalator, behind pillars and holding hands under the table. It is still kinda of painful…sad…though not crushing but I have this strong urge wishing I could erase this part of my life. I thank him for not reaching out but Anna, I am not sure if he truly cares for me. I tend to think that he was ghosting me because he has grown sick of me and my drama, he couldn’t deal and realised I (those stolen moments) wasn’t worth the risk. TIme and distance gave him the clarity and the direction. I am fearful of meeting or hearing him again. I do not wish to know if his marriage has improved or worse, if the reason for him cutting me off was that he has swept another off her feet! I felt nauseous and filthy whenever I let my imagination run wild… somehow, I have a hunch that it wasn’t my imagination. It was whom he is in real life. Looking elsewhere for sex and validation. I too was tempted to reach out and give him a piece of my mind – why should I suffer while he can compartmentalize or pretend I have never existed. But then, it isn’t his fault. I allowed myself to be dragged. Good for him that he could move on.

    I am scared of hearing about him or seeing him, scared to learn that he has moved on, I am forgotten and forsaken… I wish I could think good about him like Leigh Ann.

    I am confused… this is the outcome that I was desperately trying to achieve and as I am heading towards the light at the end of the tunnel, I would look back and wish he has chased after me. Where is the anger and hatred? am i living meaninglessly day after day?

    Trying to stay strong and sending +ve vibes to you…this too shall pass…

  331. I miss my MM like crazy too. In those fleeting moments he gave so much love, affection, warmth, care, attention, acceptance, fun, positive feelings, optimism…
    I HATED the emptiness of it, the long periods of emotional voids and silences from him and the complete exclusion from his life and plans, but i really miss what we did have too.

    Its so hard…..but my last words to him were : ‘you will not see or hear from me ever again’. I have just GOT to stick to that.

  332. Hi Anna . I forgot to tell you what helped me deal with a lot of frustration too is when I went to the gym and beat up those body figures it was good therapy see your married man and beat the Hell of that !! Also I’m sorry about your cat . Oh and when you get thru have a nice glass of your favorite wine and listen to some good music .

  333. Last time I heard from mm was when he stated he was taking last week off and so was his wife but making it sound like they were not going to be together, whatever. He gave me dates he was available and extended an invite to do something he knew I would like to do. I was weak to not respond but I was strong in declining his invite. I feel like the devil keeps trying to tempt me but I turn to God to give me strength. So, as the week passes I don’t hear from him. This is where I acknowledge my twisted part of this because it upset me. But then it hit me this is how are relationship has been right along. Then another emotion took over that it was time to stop this. He has been communicating only by email because his wife monitors the phone records. I decided I needed to take the plunge and change my email address. It was a dramatic step but I feel a sense of empowerment now. I am tired of being stressed if I hear from him and fighting the urge to respond, yet also being stressed over the reason if he didn’t email me . I am tired. Period. Needless to say I haven’t heard from him in any other fashion. I don’t anticipate him showing up at my door. I am just trying to do whatever it takes to take care of myself and be in a better place already. I wish the same for all the ladies on this site.

  334. I am so happy that this forum is here because I cannot discuss this topic with too many people mainly because I am ashamed and embarrassed. I met my M.M 2 years ago and I resisted at first getting involved with him because he was married. Like an idiot, I did and while I have had wonderful times with him and the sex is amazing, the experience overall has been just horrendous. Almost 4 months in his wife discovered our relationship and he did sorta break it off but we ended up back together. She found out again and again and yet stayed with him and had meltdowns and tirades. He successfully hid it for 9 months with plans to tell her supposedly as soon as he finished a big project, a few days she found his secret phone and now the entire thing is exposed and its been really bad since and he called me once to say he may be out of touch for awhile. At any rate, while I miss talking to him, I realize especially as I read these posts that this is not healthy and its wrong. If he was that miserable why doesnt he divorce. Its still VERY hard because I love him and miss him. How do you stop missing them and move on.

  335. Bells Paws, I am devastated, and your comment is almost exactly what I am dealing with. My MM has been married over 40 years, says he is totally miserable and when he gets things sorted out supposedly its always very soon he is leaving. I no longer believe that and as you said it feels all for nothing. They are trapped in inertia. His wife found out about our 2 yr relationship and he isnt talking to me now. I feel like a fool, I knew better, its not his fault, its mine. They went on trips, and yet I still remained. Honestly, while I miss him and miss talking to him there is a part of me that hopes I dont talk to him again and while it will be horrible and it is terrible now, I realize that I am hurting from the fact that I am not his top priority and what seals it is he is concerned about her feelings and not about mine. But, that is my fault too.

  336. i wish I could but I don’t know how he would react to that. The very last contact we had he told me he was going to work things out with his family and then his wife wrote me wanting verification that it was over for good… he turned his back on me and chose her. Yeah it’s pretty heartbreaking. It’s a horrible pill to swallow – losing the love of your life &being deserted. My parents were both pretty much absent/distant. sometimes I have to wonder if it wasn’t in the cards for me to receive true love, but only to give it??

  337. I have been involved with an M.M for two years and he constantly says he loves me, he says his marriage is hell on earth. To make a very long story short his wife discovered that we are still seeing each other after he told her he had stopped seeing me. She also found a cell phone with a lot of info about the last year. I spoke with him and of course its a train wreck, we have not spoken since. I am very sure its over with us and maybe that’s good but I am very devastated and having a very difficult time dealing with not talking to him.

  338. I am sure he does think about you Leigh Ann. He has not dragged you along like many of these narcissistic men do and that says a lot to me about his character. I think he truly cares for you. Hugs. 💕

  339. Thank you Jules
    We have one picture together, as for the rest are just of him. The hiding, the secrets its humiliating. What is love if you have to hide it. It’s a miserable roller coaster of emotions. I have to stop allowing myself to receive pieces of his life that only he allows. Kudos for 5 months of NC, I hope to get there soon.

  340. Thank you Tricia, reading everyone’s stories helps to know I’m not alone. Your right I have to protect my heart. I’m only causing myself more grief allowing myself to be caught up in a dead end relationship.

  341. Hi Anna. I had a bad day today too. I was doing great and I thought I was mostly over all this until someone texted me something silly today and it dragged me back weeks. I broke down at work and cried all the way home from work. It was something silly that mm and I used to text to each other. I had to tell them to not text me because it just pulls me back. I miss mm so much but I’m mostly ok. My mm did care about me a lot and I am glad he tried to spare my feelings in the end but I need the hurt to stop too. I always torture myself telling myself that mm doesn’t be even think about me so why the hell am I crying and still hurting. And like you say he gets to go on like nothing ever happened while I’m here suffering. I don’t know for sure that it’s the case but I keep telling myself it’s the truth. I am finally sleeping and eating and working out but today was a set back. I hope that this is a little stumble for me and I hope it is for you too. We are strong and we can get past this. We have come so far in the last 5 or so months we can still keep moving forward. Stay strong and hugs 🤗

  342. Hi Anna . I remember when I was always angry too and sad over my Ex Mm I couldn’t take it anymore I wanted to see him in person and tell him how he has hurt me I got tired of holding all this inside I felt he need to know what he did to me even if he didn’t care I did . This was after 6 months no contact then in April I missed so much I went to work place to bare my soul to him but he wasn’t alone probably for the best thou . I saying maybe you should tell him how you feel other ladies may disagree with me but the pain we feel is sometimes unbearable and we need to get off our chest no it won’t heal you but maybe just a little make you feel better to he know what he did to you . I too think of my Ex Mm know I didn’t get the response I wanted but he knows what he did to me and he has deal with that just because their married don’t mean they don’t care they just cannot show it the way we would like them too . And you do Grace and dignity don’t think other wise . Continue to stay strong !!

  343. They have humongous egos…

    I have to admit, I am having a hard time. I haven’t really gotten past this yet, i am having a hard time at work, and i had to put my cat to sleep.. it’s all just too much. and mm just gets to go on like nothing has happened. i am angry.. i cried for the first time today in a long time… i want to move on from this and start fresh… i want to get away from the stress, the anxiety and the anger…i do not recognize who i am anymore. i need grace.

  344. XXX-But I do believe pictures do say alot….if their relationship was so terrible or if he was so unhappy…he wouldn’t spend so much time with his wife…cuz she post alot on Instagram….Im sure there is more on facebook….but I dont follow them on facebook…

    Most of these MM cheat cuz they can get away with it…My mm is having his cake and eating it also….They seem to have the perfect relationship well not perfect no relationship is but not to the point of where he needs to cheat…..I honestly dont see what’s lacking in his current relationship for him to cheat…

    I always wondered what I bring to his life? Like why does he keep coming back?!

    Yeah Im having a lack of confidence moment…..

  345. Yes Gigi, Trica is right. RUN away!
    As for pictures, all of my pictures are of my ex mm alone. Not one is of us together and as I was breaking free from that relationship I voiced this observation to him. “Most couples have pictures together but you and I never will because it is evidence”. Does he have pictures of himself with his wife? Of course. Almost 5 months of nc and I continue to realize how little I asked of him. Again crumbs.
    The good times were magic but not worth the pain and the growing humiliation.

  346. Hi Gigi . Please read these stories of these ladies here . It have been a brief affair you have not been intimate with him as of yet he is keeping you around for when he is ready for the full blown affair with you run girl run !!!! Before you involve yourself any deeper emotional with this man and ( Guard your Heart ! ) I hope reading these ladies stories will give you some clarity on your situation and the strength to leave him . Because it only get worst . Big Hugs stay strong .

  347. I see what you did there…No pictures with mine as well…and we’ve spent the best times together….

  348. And Anna, I read more on all those personality disorders than i can think of, looked for the answers inside myself, went to the childhood, ascribed myself more disorders than to him to explain it logically, called Gods, wrote down all the harsh realities and logics, but only no contact and time are the way to heal. Maybe that is what a fatal love is? :) No writing seems to help here..only no contact and time..

  349. As for the pictures, I have no any single picture with my mm, but oh boy…how happy i was.. no picture could ever describe it..

  350. I completely get that part. Everything I write here is what my brain thinks rationally, but my feelings are a lot more complex than that and I need twice harder to read my writing. The wife approached me by completely downgrading her husband. I did not care he did not have money for instance, that was completely unnecessary for me to hear. The most important was to understand that he did not find me important anymore. And even with that feelings could not disappear completely. I still want both of them to be happy together, and even more I wish happiness to myself. And in case of this man, it would not matter if he was married or not. But he alone does not love himself and that is why he finds it hard to believe that someone else can. I loved him with all good and bad, but that wasn’t enough. But we know only our side of story. We think we should hate or envy the wives, think they are much happier after we are discarded. I believe that they are much more consumed by this than us. And they, too, do not deserve that.

  351. Hello Ladies,
    I have been watching this site for about a month now, to gain some inspiration to leave my MM. A little back ground we me at the gym back in the beginning of January, he had been eyeing me for months, when we would pass each other in the gym. So one day I figured id leave him a card with my name and number. Sure enough he text immediately, we hit off. He was so open with how he was so happy to be speaking with his fantasy gym crush(red flag). After about a month of pure bliss, I asked if he was in a relationship, my heart sank when he stated he was married with 3 kids. This was my chance to run, but i was so infatuated with him i just couldn’t. Around late February we begin expressing our love for one another. We have never had sex, this was a pure emotional relationship. He made plans to get a hotel late March but as the date came closer he acted as if he forgot all about it. I brought it to his attention and he stated he cared for me too much, and wanted to do it right. Then one day he texts sometime in March asking “when I can i fully be with him” I told him I’m ready, but the question was when will he be able to judging his circumstances. He replied by summer 2019 and I will have to move in. May comes around, his pattern continues. He acted as if he forgot his plans our plans that we were going to be together by summer. So i bring it up, this is when he started to get distant, and rude. Every time i would bring up our plans he would avoid the conversation and never speak on it. He became frustrated with my random emotional bouts and told me if I didn’t like where the relationship was going, i have a choice to walk away. He tells me why am I making myself miserable, why can’t i just be happy. So I tell him i can’t do this anymore and broke it off. The same night he texts me as if nothing had happened. So i got suckered back in. Here we are now its Summer still waiting, we barely see each other anymore nor talk as much.I had a phone conversation with him just yesterday June, 17 and he actually opened up. He stated he hasn’t slept in the same room as his wife for 8 months and hasnt had sex in longer than that (mind you he’s never spoken on his relationship with her). I asked him what are your goals with me. He stated to get his house situation cleared up (which I’m not sure on specifics), cut things off with her, and then see if him and I could have a real relationship. But until then his words “I have a choice to be in a purgatory relationship with him, and be ok with not seeing him as much”. I told him i can’t do purgatory, and if and when he gets everything situated come back if he wants to try again. So just late last night he calls me as if he heard nothing I said. Im so weak right now that i can’t ignore him. I know he’s just telling me what I want to hear. I don’t how to be strong and walk away. Ive tried the NC thing a bunch with him but Im never successful past a day,because he always texts or calls and I fall for it. Sorry if this is overbearingly long and full of typos.

  352. Thank you Riya. It is an emotional rollercoaster hour by hour. I go from feeling strong and better off without him or sad and wishing he’d co text me to angry thinking about why he would want to make me feel this way. Then at times I get angry with myself for letting it happen. At the moment I am torn between knowing what kind of jerk he really is and thinking back to when we first met and how sad he seemed because he was so unhappy with his current situation. I can’t help but believe he was just playing on my empathy with the “sadness” in the beginning because just like many mm on here he was/is a narcissist through and through. I admire your strength to pull back from his contact. It’s soooo hard to break that hold they have on us. I hope to be as strong as you soon! :) Hugs!

  353. You took the words right out of my mouth… I too have went from a confident, independent woman to a psycho, defeated shell of my former self. I am sooo disappointed in myself too. I’m struggling to cope with the way that he has made me feel about myself. It’s a daily struggle of wishing he’d reach out vs. why do you want this person who makes you feel so terrible to reach out. With time I’m hoping to get stronger. Hugs to you.

  354. Sorry you had to deal with his ghosting for 7 years. I dealt with it for a week and it has drove my nuts. After 5 days he finally contacted me and said sorry for going awol and when he gets frustrated his natural defense mechanism is to shut down. I wanted to maintain NC with him but I was so angry I had to say something. I told him that he hurt me and asked why he got frustrated. He said again he was sorry but never answered my question of why he got frustrated and now has ghosted me again. You’re so right about them not wanting us to fall in love and complicate things. They walk a thin line between keeping us hooked but not enough for us to fall for them. Unfortunately, we do. They only want fun from us and the ego boost. At least that’s exactly how my mm is. I am so mad at myself for responding, but lesson learned. His response about getting frustrated and shutting down made me understand why he’s in an unhappy marriage in the first place. I believe he is the problem in the marriage! His response and going back to ghosting actually made me realize how pathetic and narcissistic he really is. It is like starting the NC cycle completely over again but feeling a bit stronger this time. Learning to not beat myself up over it and let go. Thanks friend! :)

  355. Xxx,
    I am not knocking whatever works for anyone to help them heal. If this is working for you then great. But the thing is for me, is that even though the mm was a liar and a narcissist, even though I have figured out the whole thing was fake, my love for the mm was still real. All of the horrible things don’t cancel out all of the wonderful things and all of the good times.. I wish they did. He was my love and my treasure. He was my safe space. My best friend. That is who I miss. I don’t miss the mm who lied to me, who hurt and gaslighted me and manipulated me. I miss the person I thought I knew. He was real to me. He was there. And then he was gone. Like he never existed. His wife has him. She never lost him. I did. And I miss the person I lost, but I know that person was never really real. That’s what makes it so hard to heal from these relationships and for me, has made it take much longer to move on…

  356. Idk Xxx…sometimes its hard for me to believe these MM are unhappy..especially when wives are always posting picture perfect moments…

  357. Heartbroken, do not think for a second that there is true happiness there. I guarantee you that. I don’t wish any bad to these people and I know the hurt on the other side too. I don’t know how to stress it out enough that that was no place any of us belonged and that no any better outcome would happen if they separated. No need for envy nor jealousy. At the end of the day nobody wonders how you are, but let that be the prise you pay for basically not protecting yourself. Nobody betrayed us more than we did it to ourselves. Nobody came to save us, nor anybody tried to keep us. Some defeats are victories of our lives. These men saved us from themselves. Would you prefer living for the rest of your life in doubt? I am one of the reasons why one child will not leave in peace and will deal with its mother’s sadness. I don’t care if he cheated before and after, but I don’t want to close my eyes before that fact. You have a chance to rebuild your life and every one of us. We have a chance to try better. Maybe the consequences could have been much worse. I don’t want to even think about that. I was in a very dangerous situation. My own empathy was my worst enemy. You need to wake up. Read what JeepGirl wrote below. I wish with all my heart that the mm of my past (i can say it now finally) changes and that life works for him. That the wife is the happiest person ever. And that I wake up one day from a bad dream I had, unconditionally happy.

  358. Hi Tricia! I’m glad you had the strength not to go back. It’s hard but it feels good too. You aren’t going to be put in that situation again. He can find someone and break their heart. I don’t want my mm to come back ever. Not only do I not want a repeat of the last 5 months but it would never be the same. I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and he would crush me again. Like they say fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I’m not really ready to pursue another relationship. I have always had trust issues and this just made me a bit more weary. So for now I’m going to enjoy my summer now that my heart is healed and who knows what lays ahead. This forum certainly has helped me as well. I hope that all those ladies who are about to become involved or are still involve with a mm that they will read our stories and run in the other direction. Stay strong Tricia and the rest of you ladies. Life will get better I know mine certainly has 😊.

  359. Hi Dane . My little history with my ExMm . He use to ghost me all the time for 7 yrs and I would always go back no matter how much time went by and it was always the same . I guess his guilt kicked in ? After 7 yrs I guess I got too comfortable with him and told him I adore you so much ! After that he slowly started to fade out of my life that was late November last yr he stopped all contact with me . They don’t want us to fall in love with them because it complicated things they just want the fun out of us . They already have everything they need at home with their wives. I’m remember my married man told me early on his wife is his soul mate and he loved her after that I never ask him how he felted about me nor what state his marriage was in . Honestly I think he is quite content he just want sex and attention and he just fine . He is a decent man and I have my memories of him but I want more out of a man and his unavailable I must always remember that and go back to him . It’s so hard to let go Dane but eventually you will because you won’t have a choice but don’t blame yourself for his actions and be kind to yourself it is a long road to recovery but there is life after the married man . Lean on this site for support.

  360. Thank you Dane. When I post it is as much for me as for any of the ladies here. We are all struggling and none of us have this all figured out. Sometimes when I am posting it is to give myself a much needed kick in the pants because I’m feeling weak and need support myself. The stronger the love, the longer the grieving process. This site helps me a lot. I hate to see other women hurting the way I hurt but I’m thankful we can support each other. Hugs.

  361. Hi Hayley and all. My MM admitted the same thing to me, that his marriage is much better now and they are happier… like a kick to my stomach. I saw his wife the other day looking so much skinnier and sexier rocking in high heels instead of those flats like before. Funny on what a woman would do to keep her man when she suspects something! She’s 52 and is a grandma, and now with recent weight loss she looks so young and sexy. I’m 39, fit, and well dressed with beautiful makeup. At work I’m known as one of the girls that makes heads turned, and I used to be very confident that he would never leave me. But boy, I was wrong. After the newness and excitement wore off, he returned to his wife!!! They both look better and have a happier marriage because of me on the side feeding his ego. And now that he has returned to her, he’s probably been making up to her with a lot of sweet stuff. So I don’t feel bad for the wife. At the end of the day, she’s the winner, and I’m the loser. Seeing them both looking better and happier, my heart aches, especially when my marriage is still very stale and I have no desire to improve it.

    I’m jealous, bitter and angry. This jealousy is eating at me and I can’t help it. It is such a complicated situation I don’t know how to get out. I guess karma has found me.

  362. Your post resonates so much… I could have written what you wrote!

    After 12 months since we stopped sleeping together, BOTH of our marriages ending (all within 4 weeks), I STILL have text contact with him. Pretty much daily.
    I’ve gone from confident, professional woman to a psychotic, defeated shell.

    My advice… the sooner you can get to NC and stick with it, seems to be best!!

    c

  363. Tricia… Please block him. Mine came back after years and even told me that he was willing to leave his wife one day and that we were meant to be together. It was like all the NC was erased and I forgot all the grieving and fell right in. Now look where I am. Worse off than before and nothing changed. Please don’t do it. I wish I could say that these men change and there is a happy ending for any of us women and that one of us will get our mm but I have yet to see it. There is a better man out there. Be strong, they are not worth it. <3

  364. My mm only confessed about our relationship before they married. I know he hasn’t told her the whole truth about the extent of our relationship after they married. As I said , his wife would have been devastated. She only thinks we communicated. I did tell her the truth that he reach out to me, not me him, and he lead me to believe their marriage was over and I encouraged him to do whatever it took to work on his marriage. I am sure she questioned him on that! Non the less she stated I was just as much in the wrong enabling him by responding. For that, she is right. What she told me about him knowing how bad it hurt her when first husband cheated and he did the same. I did not share with him what she shared with me. Knowing what I know why would I want a man like that? We think things will be different with us.

  365. Hi Leigh Ann . Something you said in your post is so true . When we have relationship with any other man and he cheats on us that would be a deal breaker? We ready to give him his walking papers ! But yet we somehow agreed to be a side chic really ? I think the day we decided to play that role is the day they lost respect for us . I remember my old boyfriend told me that and he said think about it ( If this married man have everything he really wants at home beside less sex ! What do you think he really wants you for ? He told me a married man will dispose of you when he is tired of you . Don’t settle for that Tricia you deserve better and what did I do? Be a side chic how sad . Now I feel empty inside and just not really interested in having a relationship with a man . If it wasn’t for this forum and you ladies I probably would have went back to him . He probably surprised that I didn’t that’s probably why he called ( like what’s up ?) Thank you for your support.

  366. I feel the same way and say the same thing to myself. Why did I do this to myself? But these mm are very good at what they do and are master manipulators. We can’t change the mistakes we made but we have learned and we can grow from here. Keep your chin up Anna!

  367. Thank you JK. I also go back and forth between relief that I don’t have to worry or wonder about if he’s going to text or what he’s going to say or if it’s going to be something “good” or hurtful, and depression thinking about how things were in the beginning when he couldn’t get enough of talking to me or seeing me. It’s so sick and twisted what they do to us and how they train our minds to think. I consider myself a decently smart and educated woman and it killed me that someone like him can do THIS to me and make me feel this way. I feel like I should have been way smarter than to fall for his lies and convoluted ways.

    Good for you for taking the extra steps to ensure that he can’t contact you. I have thought about and want to delete him off social media and delete his number but I’m not strong enough to just yet. I’m working my way through the process of emotions and my goal is to get to that point as well. Sending positive vibes.

  368. Thank you Anna. Your are 100% correct. It has always been about him and what’s best for him and what everyone can do for him. Of everything the ghosting is the hardest part. Even though in one way I’m glad he’s not contacting me because I know it would be hard to no respond back, but it still drives me crazy. From talking non-stop all day to zero, nothing. It’s tough emotionally, but I guess that’s better than dragging it out I suppose.

    I have agonized for days and days over it trying to make sense of his actions and like you said reconcile his actions, but at the end of the day nothing makes sense besides him just being such a terrible person that he can treat people (me and his wife) the way he does. I have started to wonder in the last few days what kind of personal hell his wife must live in.

    You are 100% right with my mm’s wife bring the primary source because he needs to maintain a certain image and keep someone on the side to keep stroking his ego at the same time.

    So happy to have you ladies. I cannot talk to anyone else about it.

  369. Thank you Tricia. Yes, even though it’s hard it is easier not waiting for him to respond or text or wondering what he’s going to say or not say for that matter. It’s a constant struggle right now between missing him and being so angry.

  370. Hi Dane, I am so very sorry you are going through this. I think back where I was in August last year when just passing though each hour was painful, full of tears and nothing I did or didn’t do mattered.. it was full of loss.. but I went day by day, week by week, to finally get to a place where the sadness is still there but definitely I realize what a big Jer* he is and was, and what a big fool was I. He got in touch a couple of weeks ago and I went straight back to him for a couple of days.. then realizing what he was doing to me during that communication was exactly what some of the other ladies were describing a narcissist, to the word.. I pulled myself completely back and withdrew from his contact again. To be honest, not recovered yet but I just feel so thankful to not be in that place again. I am sure you will get there too.. after the heartbreak, sadness, there is hope and realization and so much more that you deserve , waiting for you. Stay strong during this phase, do everything you can to keep your mind filled with positive thoughts and you will overcome this too. Hugs..

  371. Nomad,
    I don’t feel anymore sadness and haven’t cried for the longest time. I think I’m somewhere between anger and acceptance.
    I know he’s not coming back, but I’m still experiencing bouts of anger. I wish I knew how to forgive myself for letting myself be fooled my him and wasting so much time. I feel like I messed up my life and he just gets to go on like nothing happened.
    Like you mentioned and Leigh Ann also mentioned, life does feel mundane. When you’ve gotten used to the highs of being with a mm, it’s sure hard to adjust to the day to day routine of regular life, texts not coming through the phone, they’re not there as close as the phone anymore. He had me programmed to stay waiting on him. All that’s over now and even though I’m glad I’m not second place anymore, it was hard to go cold turkey off being trauma bonded to someone. I keep waiting for that to pass, but it hasn’t yet. I don’t have a desire or zest to meet someone new, I don’t feel I’m ready for that yet. Sometimes I wonder how much more time will pass before I feel normal?

  372. Welcome to this site. I have been on here for a couple months and it has helped me not feel so alone dealing with my situation. As you said the other stories are very similar. I too am struggling with not responding. I am hearing from him less frequently so maybe he is finally letting go. It’s twisted the thoughts I have of part relief and the other part depression. It’s an emotional roller coaster, and you have to allow yourself to feel everything. Only way I am finding is time to heal with NC. Once the contact starts again, I am back to square one. I am taking drastic measures to change my email address since that is how he is contacting me (cause his wife monitors his phone), and every time he contacts me I am not strong enough to not respond. If this is what I need to do so be it. These mm are liars, manipulators and narcissists to be able do what they do. You need to take care of yourself, whatever it takes. I hope this helps.

  373. My mm’s wife contacted me after he confessed everything to her and I admitted it. Her first husband had died in a motorcycle accident and mm had cheated on her with the first husband’s sister long before we ever met. She will never let mm go because she lost the first husband to death and my mm knows how badly this hurt her and still cheats on her (with her own family) so he is definitely very unfeeling. When he told me about the affair with the sister in law it should have been a huge red flag as to his character but I just dismissed it. I agree that revenge serves no purpose in the long term but to make you look crazy. They are narcissistic and you can never win with a narcissist. They have no feelings except for themselves. The revenge can only hurt you in the long run and create regrets. We all just need to stay strong. This is a great place to talk and share. I am grateful for all the women here.

  374. I have saved everything too. I never look back at it – it would be way too painful, but I have never deleted it. I know I probably sound like a crazy person.. I am so glad I have this group to vent to and it is a safe place where I can speak openly. This group is so important for that reason. I am ashamed that I have these thoughts because that is not my nature. But I realize how much this has hurt me, and changed me as a person. That is not love.
    When I look at the photos of him on vacation with his family, smiling like he has no care in the world, I truly wonder if karma exists. But I also know things aren’t always what they appear. Some families just do a really good job of putting on a front. He and his wife are not the couple they appear to be. i can’t imagine the pain his wife must go through knowing that he has cheated on her for years. HE has caused a lot of pain to many people.

  375. Hi Dane,
    He sounds like a narcissist, which most of these men probably are. The empathy is missing. For example his response to you about having the flu. Also how he is essentially ghosting you. Not to mention what he did to his wife. It’s all about HIM…

    The thing is that they pull us in with love bombing at the beginning and it feels so good we get swept up and think this is true love and we lower our boundaries, they blow past the stop signs. But when they get bored they quickly flip a switch and start to devalue us, and we are sitting there trying to make sense of it all. I expended so much mental energy trying to reconcile his words with his actions. It was ridiculous.

    With these men, the wife is primary supply. They don’t love them either (at least not the way they should) but the wife provides an image that they can’t stand to lose. Money, kids, security, the whole family man thing. So they need the wife for that and that’s why they don’t leave the wife but just cheat on her. That’s my theory anyway.

    He doesn’t deserve you and NC is the right thing to do. I know how painful it is and im sorry you went through this. We’ve all been through it so you can rely on the ladies here if you need to vent.

  376. It is so so hard. That is why I keep stressing to women who come to this site who haven’t taken the step or have you gone too far not to do it. You either wind up with a broken heart and have to live without them OR if you stay in it you are stuck playing second place to the wife. There is no good outcome ever and I wish I had never done this. I did it to myself. For what I thought was love, oh how stupid I was. Now I know better. There are manipulative men out there who don’t give a shit. The further you go the harder it gets so get out early and save yourself.

  377. Wow! Tricia. That’s so crazy! I have been terrified that mine would crawl out of the woodwork after months of nc and that scares me. I’m finally free of the hurt the sadness the emptiness the tears the shame all if it. If he walks back into my life can I be strong enough to tell him take a hike. I often thought I wished I would have met him 25 years ago…. but then he may be cheating on me 😢. You have come so far don’t let him drag you backwards! You are strong. You already know he won’t be yours 😢. It’s not worth going through all this again. Positive vibes and hugs 🤗

  378. Hi Dane . It’s so hard ! I feel your pain but there is no right or wrong in this situation because either way you slowly suffer of a broken heart when you with him and without him it just feel so better thou not be waiting on the next time you see him and you always waiting for that next texts too ! Do whatever you feel is right for you ! Positive vibes .

  379. Wow after 8 months my Ex mm has reached out to me ! But I didn’t answer he has called 4 times I’m really shocked I thought he completely forgot about me . I don’t want to read to much as to why he called I don’t even know what to say to him ? Now he has been on my mind all those feeling . I have grieved him like he was dead just to cope and try to move on when .I saw he last month I knew something was still there and I know we cannot see each other in person . I do miss him thou but I know I can’t have him sometimes I wish I could meant him 30 yrs ago so I could have been his wife 😪 . Stay strong ladies .

  380. Hi Nomad. I’m happy that you are healing. It has been almost 5 months for me and I do still have some weak moments but not like I used to. I realized the other day that why in my right mind would I want him back after he had been with his wife?? Somehow that whole thought escaped me when I was in the affair fog. Also what the hell was I thinking? I would never tolerate regular boyfriend cheating on me why would I tolerate it from mm? I’m not naive I’m sure he was sleeping with her as well. A normal boyfriend I would have blown off no matter how I felt about him. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. The trust is gone and there’s nothing left. I have never had any revenge thoughts in my heart which is weird since other a couple other boyfriends I had cheated on me and I dreamed up all kinds of ways to get back at them. Surprisingly enough I’m not even angry. 😳. I am hurt and my heart still hurts on occasion but I’m healed. Life can be very mundane but it’s up to me to shake things up so it’s not. I’m going I concerts and dinner with friends and movies anything and everything even if I have to go by myself. I never know who I’m going to meet. We have come so far in the last 5 months. It was a very painful journey but we made it! I am trying to look at this as a huge learning experience something I will never ever do again. The ladies here have helped me so much and I have my happiness back. Chins up. We should all be very proud of ourselves for making it through. And there really is life after the affair and a good life not filled with lies and deceit and shame. We deserve to be the main chick not the side chick. It’s better in the light not the shadow of an affair. Chins up positive vibes and hugs ladies

  381. First off, you ladies are so strong and encouraging. I have been reading your various posts for hours before finally deciding to comment. I am on my first full day of NC with my MM. It is so hard but I know it will be the best for me. Reading your comments are like you are taking the words right out of me and although I hate it for each of you I am thankful to know I am not alone. You ladies are my strength when I want to text him or check his social media. You all ease my anxiety. Thank you.

    A little background… he pursued me following a work function where our jobs crossed and contacted me first via social media. I was very standoffish at first and reluctant which of course made him work harder and lay on the charm even more. I straight up asked him within the first 30 minutes of our first convo if he was married and he said yes. He went on to explain that he was “unhappily” married and stayed for his son because he wanted him to have a mom and a dad. He said he has thought about it and someday may take the leap and leave. (Ugh! Should have bailed then.) He even went on to tell me that they had tried counseling and it still wasn’t helping. He even confessed to having fwb in the past for a time and basically cheating on his wife and I still kept talking to him. (I know I sound psycho for still talking to him. I can’t explain it. It’s embarrassing to type) I slowly warmed up to him and we started having really good convos about life and work and future goals. I started to enjoy talking to him daily. I knew in the back of my mind it was a bad idea but suppressed the thoughts and kept talking to him. Eventually the work function ended and I agreed to meet up with him. Wish I could go back to that day and NEVER met up with him. Our personalities clicked and we talked for hours until he had to “be home.” That statement makes me hate myself.— something that will be my biggest obstacle to overcome throughout my healing process. We continued to talk, text, meet up and eventually had sex. Our time together although limited was incredible. Great convos, cuddling, laughing, being silly, cracking jokes on each other, and great sex. I felt so enchanted by him… the way he would look at me and immediately wrap me in his arms when he’s saw me and kiss me. This continued for weeks then all of the sudden I don’t know what changed in him but he just started to be distant. We made plans and he bailed on me and didn’t respond to me for 8 hours then acted like nothing ever happened. I called him out on it and he got mad and didn’t talk to me for 2 days. Like the stupidest person on the planet, I apologized (I’d still like to kick myself in the rear for that one. Ugh!) for making a big deal about it and he slowly started talking to me more again over the next few days. He would talk but not as much as if the “new” had worn off. He would still text regularly though and tell me he missed me and we’d still make plans and meet up. Then one day I made the mistake of telling him that I was struggling because I was developing feelings for him. At first he assured me that everything was fine and not to struggle with it because he enjoyed me and wanted to keep doing what we were doing. In my twisted state I’d mind that was validation enough to let my heart fall harder without realizing it. As he continued to grow more distant and text less, give one word responses, etc I told him my feelings were getting a little stronger and asked why he had been so distant lately. I also let him know that I had the flu and hoped I didn’t get him sick. His response: “oh great just how I want to spend my week.” ZERO compassion for me laying in bed sick as could be. Since then he has not responded to me. He has went completely MIA as far as contact with me is concerned. It has absolutely KILLED me for the past 4 days. I have been thru this same cycle of anger, sadness, depression, jealousy, inspiration that okay this is your way out of the bad situation, then back to anger, sadness and more depression mixed with some anxiety. I texted him over and over asking what happened and would he just tell me if it’s over or what’s going on. I’ve gotten nothing. I decided last night that I would not send anymore texts and simply told him no response says all I need to know and goodbye to which I never received a response still.

    Based on what I’ve read here, I suppose it will be easier if he doesn’t contact me even though part of me wishes he would and the other part is praying he doesn’t. I worry that when/if he does I will be weak and give in. Any tips for staying strong in that situation would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for such a long post. I needed to get that all out. :) Again, you ladies are incredible and I am grateful for you.

  382. Anna,
    I too have the vengeful “fantasy” of exposing him to his wife and screwed up their marriage. I wanted him to pay. I’ve stopped counting days but months. It’s been 4 months of NC. A friend who would always predict before this NC that he’d be back, even knowing he blocked me, is now telling me it looks like both of you are done. Finally.

    I am still feeling the sadness and pain, anger sometimes , the physical heartache, and thinking of this person daily. I’d imagine he has found my replacement. I’d imagine my first question if we ever get to sit down for coffee and it’d be “how many have you f*** after me”.

    Anna you said it – sex and validation – whereas I asked for affection, attention and romance. I was forced to leave it to time and space but that didn’t make him realize I was the one living in his heart. I never wanted him to leave his family. I was envious and angry with his wife. Envious that she is the legal one who he’ll go home to. Angry that she was wasting him and yet I couldn’t win him over.

    I’ve experienced all that – 100% of his love and lust wearing off gradually over a time span of 1-2years till 1%. I dumped him before it reached 1%. I’d say when I dumped him in late feb, I’ve drained him 70%. He wasn’t as anxious to pacify me although he said he still wanted us but he didn’t know how to cope. His guilt and his fear. End of the day, he didn’t move mountain to be with me. He chose to go gatherings, drinking etc with other female colleagues because there were platonic hence guilt free. What he didn’t admit was he enjoyed the ego boosting flirting and attention, the thrill to hunt and luring others to fall for him. I knew because one of the victims was my ex supervisor and she said he was drunk and high flirting with her, sat physically close and saying things that made her hair stood. She was saying who would stalk and compliment her profile pic, the pose, and how he liked her to be in the blouse. As I’m typing, I could feel my heart aching. How foolish to believe I was the only one whom he wished he’d met earlier in life. Alright, I’ll snap myself out of this ruminations.

    Think about how I’ve come this far, from dying of heartbreak to earning a promotion at work and able to function again, sleeping well, making efforts to meet people for dinner, most importantly, becoming comfortable with myself, I’ve more desire to live better than before. Living better could be just not wasting time ruminating, accepting that life IS boring and routine and IS ok, at least I’m not crying or staring at the phone wishing he’d reach out. It’s like learning how to live with cancerous cells, avoid triggers, maintain the calmness. Stick to the decision to let go and move on.

    Many of us here would know, months later, we still have our weak moments. But you have tremendously helped me so much to heal! Knowing I’m not alone helps! Knowing most mm are similar helps! Anna, Leigh Ann, Tricia, Hayley, Jules, and the regulars, I am grateful to all of you for your positive vibes, your support, your understanding, your honesty and for being here.

  383. I have similar thoughts. But I actually saved his wife from the truth. When she contacted me and wanted to know the truth about mm/my relationship after they married, I denied being intimate with him. She would have been devastated. She was clear she didn’t want her marriage to end so what was the point in telling her. She also told me her first husband cheated on her . mm knew this and still did this to her???? That is definitely a narcissist. It angers me and I feel mm “got away with it”, but she still loves him. I am respecting that. Revenge serves no purpose and only makes you look like the unstable one.

  384. Hi Hayley. You are right on. Over time I noticed him spending less time with me, making excuses. In essence managing me down to a paltry amount of texting or spending time with me. He was always so convincing of his interest with words. I lapped up his superficial compliments about my looks & felt he cared & was sincere by all this. Yeah and I still hung on. I know better now though.

    My gut screamed out something was off here. My logic took over. Why is he cutting down contact if he really cares then? Well I have my answer- he doesnt give a flying hoot.
    When I look at things from my head, I dont need to ruminate or obsess . My great need to be loved (after being abandoned as a child) follows me everywhere & causes me to make decisions from the heart.

    The revenge part now comes to mind. Telling his wife was never one of my goals. To me, putting him thru the same garbage he put me through was perfectly fitting. Mind games, disappearing, not answering texts, hot and cold ‘ all without explanation to him – now that’s what I call a dose of his own medicine.

    He was a manipulator, lier, selfish, and was always too good to be true too. I never saw a real person, just this nice guy trying to get me to like him. In retrospect, I dont think I knew him beyond the very superficial.

    He would say he does lots of favors for his numerous female friends just because he likes helping people with nothing in return.
    He then turns around start s whining about why they donr give him enough attention!

  385. Good for thought about being “friends “. Speaking from my situation friends isn’t possible. Not only will I continue to be on the side line and be able to communicate on his terms, his wife made it clear to me she is not ok with us being “friends “ knowing we had an intimate relationship. It goes back to sneaking around knowing how she expressed how she feels. I am struggling with not responding to mm when he has contacted me. I think he is finally breaking away from me as well. I am still on an emotional roller coaster myself. I just want to get past this chapter and move forward with my life. Someday I will say, wow, that was quite a chapter!

  386. Yes. Narcissist.
    I have saved every text and Facebook instant messenger. I have pictures and videos. I sometimes want to send all of this to his wife.
    You could definitely say that I have vengeful thoughts. Apparently he has renal cancer. I keep hoping it will take him soon.
    He stayed pretty attentive over the 9 months I was with him but in that last week after Christmas he started changing plans that we had made months before. He tried to tell me that he didn’t realize he was changing plans, he didn’t have his “calendar in front of him”. What a lying sack of s*#t.
    He has always insulted my intelligence from day one but I allowed it. With that last incident after Christmas I couldn’t take it anymore it was too blatant.
    When I think about all of this it really helps me to move forward.

  387. Last time when he broke up with me I started looking out for another job out of state ,he came back and we restarted our relationship after a gap of three months .
    For next 6-9 months everything was good and then he started getting antsy again and I could feel he would rather not be in my life .He finally told me he wants to take a break.I started looking for another job again as I can’t be working in the small place and not see him and feel what I feel for him.I am still very sad.I have gotten this wonderful job opportunity in a different state and I am still not sure whether I should leave.He somehow knows I am leaving but this time he is not making any attempt to restart things. Clearly shows it will be easy for him if I just disappear.I want to have him in my life but can I just be friends with him which he wants at this time .But I love him so much it will end in disaster again. I cry ,I am sad I miss him ,I miss our friendship .The only thing which will reduce this pain is when I leave and can’t see him even if I want to .Only time and space will heal it .Period.Hugs to you !!

  388. What you say Hayley feels very true to me. When these men want you at the beginning there is no stopping them and they give everything, but once they have you hooked, they start to wane. I can identify each step in this process on an almost weekly basis- from 100% down to 1%. Its very painful. While they work their way into our emotions and life so we get emotionally involved and entangled in them , they reach the point of almost indifference and couldn’t care about our feelings. We are the ones left with all the feelings while they carry on with their lives it seems to me without any care or concern or even a second’s thought. I’ve been through it and its the worst. I am trying so hard not to hate him, but its hard when you loved someone one and are left feeling so duped and hurt. I find I hate myself more, i hate myself for having fallen for it, for his attention and empty but sweet words , blind to his actions that said the opposite, always hanging on, wanting so much more but putting up with so little, unable to let go. And now, i hate myself for being left in such a mess and still hankering for him and holding out for the dream he represented, knowing all the while he has forgotten about me and I have no effect on him at all. I hate coming out of these things the loser/ the weakest. We start the ‘ winner’ truly believing we have got everything we could possibly dream of at last, but boy do we end up the loser.

  389. Bells Paws,
    So true! The heartbreak is enormous. These men are selfish and weak. it is a form of mental abuse.

  390. Hayley,
    I have vengeful thoughts all the time. This has made me a person I don’t recognize sometimes. I was always the bigger person. That was what I taught my daughter. I had had fantasies about sending all our mail to his wife or his employer and exposing him to his neighbors. I just wanted him to hurt like he had hurt me. This is what this affair did to me. Ladies don’t continue down this road. The men leave and they go mostly unscathed. Their marriage continues as normal. I turned into someone ugly on the inside because this mm took my empathy and used it all up and he gets to go on like nothing happened. Narcissist.

  391. Thank you. I know its the right thing but im goin to miss him so much. I told him im leaving and he has been coming on full force again trying to start us back up. He also wants to stay in contact. I want to remain friends but how can we be after all of this? Im conflicted about totally cutting him out of my life for good. Im wondering if we can ever make something work qithout crossing that line again….

  392. Bells Paws,

    Absolutely! Everything you said is true. I regret the day that I agreed to see him. All for nothing. Thank you for your words of truth.

    Jules

  393. These MM give 90% at the beginning then slowly manage down your expectations till they are giving you just 10% this is certainly true in my case.
    Does anyone else in NO contact have revengeful thoughts? Mine reappeared 3 years ago told me he was unhappily married.. last week he text me during no contact yet again to say he was missing me and when asked he admitted his marriage is now happy and when I called him out on it he said ‘well it’s gotten better’ he actually admitted this to me! Fuming is an understatement I never want to hear or set eyes on him again but now I’m having these angry thoughts.
    I’m sure his marriage is only better cause I was there on the sidelines feeding his ego telling him how great he is etcetc.. let’s see how great his marriage is 12 months down the line now he’s lost me!
    I was a fool.. he fooled me big time and I’m having such a hard time accepting this. My friend who knows says he will be back again, 14 years on and off he always comes back I’m really hoping he doesn’t this time. I can’t believe he thinks it’s ok to say this even if it is true! Who do they think they are? I’ll just continue to be the fallback girl whilst he’s all happily married all of a sudden! Errr NO.
    His wife deserves better and so do I. I know I need to forgive myself somehow and I aren’t going to tell his wife or anything but I would love to get revenge in some way.. I guess the best revenge is not to give him the time of day anymore but it just doesn’t seem enough somehow. He pulled the wool over my eyes big time and I stupidly fell for it.
    I hate him! Anyway no advise here from me.. guess I just needed to rant cause I’m sat here crying over him yet again which I haven’t done for a long time. I hate this.. I just want to be over it he’s not worth it & never was! He can stick his 10% where the sun doesn’t shine!

  394. From ‘so heartbroken today’. Affairs with MM only end one way: with broken hearts and much pain and at the end of the day its all for nothing. We pour all our love and affection onto them, for nothing. We go through all the hurt and pain, for nothing. These men take our love and then discard us when we are an inconvenience the other 99 % of the time. All their time, commitment and investment is elsewhere. I was nothing but a side kick, totally excluded from his life and plans, unless he wanted ‘to meet up’ on his terms. Its all heart breaking. I held onto my man, I couldn’t let go , I adored him , I believed we had something special. I gave him all my love , each time he left I went through all the pain. It hurt him making all his plans, going away on holidays and mini breaks , being all busy, but never with me. . And it was all for nothing. The bottom line is MM are dead ends, they are a complete waste of time. You can’t ‘work things out’ or build anything more meaningful, its all going nowhere and is an illusion and its all a big waste of love and tears. . they are trapped in inertia and instead of sorting out their own personal problems with their wife and marriage they get someone else involved and hurt them, My MM has been married for 25 years, he’s so committed to his wife and family – fair enough but why then does he screw around behind her back then? Either he’s committed or he’s not. Oh fool was I

  395. Omg.. everything you shared exactly mimics my situation. This is why it’s so important to have a safe place to share our stories and support each other.

  396. I have read this before and it’s so true with life . Many readings have helped me get through this particular chapter in my life. The saying goes it’s looking back when we see things more clearly. Each holiday, birthday, family doing, and the times I needed support physically and emotionally mm has not been there as I need. It’s not possible with a mm, I get it, and it has sucked but it it’s helping me to finally detach emotionally fr mm. It is exactly like an addiction as some ladies have referred this to. This site has really helped me .

  397. Well stated Jules. I feel the same. I would cry almost every time we were together in the last few months. I hated being the third wheel and often considered that I never really knew him, that if I could get a glimpse of how he was in his life with his wife that it would likely kill me. I do believe he is extremely controlling, which I suspect is a large factor in why he chooses to stay in the marriage. I have met his wife, and although I don’t know her as a person, I do know that she is not in good mental or physical health. Like you, I think he is likely part of the reason for that. I do not doubt that she loves him and her family, nor do I doubt that this hurt her but I do believe that she is quick to forgive and forget – as I was with him myself.
    I would like to think that him choosing to be with his wife despite their issues is an act of love. But the truth is that I know him too well. I think he has too many narcissistic traits and will most likely be unfaithful to her again once the dust settles and he gets bored. He is not attracted to her and while I am sure he cares for her on some level I honestly believe he is more motivated by not his image and not looking like a bad guy to his kids, friends and neighbors.
    All the things he said, were just words to keep getting what he needed from me. Namely sex and validation.
    I was so quick to believe all of it without any action to back it up. I will not let any of this happen again. I too have learned a lot from this.

  398. Hey Anna, you hit the nail on the head – it is an addiction. When we’re together its a high but soon after seeing him, i always feel so depressed and crappy. I always tell myself that i’m going NC and finally putting an end to this but like you said, when his names pops up on screen, my heart races and I cave.

    Yes this time round I have blocked him off social media, whatsapp etc. I just hope i remain strong if he does come crawling back again.

  399. Anna . You broke it down good girl because that is exactly how it is well said !!! Sarah you can make it thru this !!!

  400. Hi Tricia. Yes I feel like I have come a long way. I hope that your story my story and Anna’s story will help to both inspire those ladies still struggling with no contact or still in the thick of the affair, and to show them that there’s life after ending the affair. The three of us have come so far and it feels great! I remember when I found this site I was at the lowest point and had just been broken up with. I had no one to turn to and I never thought anyone would be able to understand my pain. With the support from the ladies here I turned the corner and healed. I still miss him but know that he will never be mine and I really don’t think I want a man that would go outside his marriage when there was trouble. If things were bad he should have left and he was such a coward he broke up with me over text. I still do beat myself up a bit for even getting involved it’s embarrassing and I have a ways to go with that issue. Stay strong ladies it gets better. Find your self worth and love yourself. Fight through the tremendous pain and the emptiness of the nc, you will thank yourself later. Do things that make you happy and focus on you. You will make it too!

  401. Hi Sarah,
    To me, NC has been the only answer. I also went through that period of stopping and starting NC but caving in because I was weak. I could just see his name appear in my inbox and I swear I felt my heart race. At the time I thought it was pure passion. It was really addiction and trauma bonding. Being with a mm gives you an brief intermittent rush of happiness only to drop and you go into depression mode waiting for that next high. Your body becomes addicted to these ups and downs and you actually become addiction to the relationship. Even though your mind knows it is going no where you can’t end it because you are addicted to the feelings the person gives you. You have to break the addiction by doing the NC. Have you thought about blocking him? I know this seems extreme but NC is not to punish him or teach him a lesson, it is for you to help you heal and break the addiction. It is a very big step and you have to be ready for it. Good luck <3

  402. Hi Katie,
    My mm was not there at my birthday celebration and it was one of the big things that led up to me deciding to end things. I got really tired of him never being around for special occasions, birthdays, holidays, etc. I would give him tons of notice, but he would always find a reason not to be there, involving some family event. He would try to make it up to me by doing something else for me but it wasn’t enough, and I got sick of it. What you said about men being afraid to start over is dead on accurate. I have started over multiple times and there have been times in my life I didn’t know exactly how I was going to make it. Yet I am doing well in a professional career, daughter in college, able to travel, not broke etc. These men are afraid of starting over and looking like the bad guy. Once I wrapped my head around that fact I started seeing him in a different light – I knocked him off that pedestal. Their words do not line up with their actions. If you are in love with someone, you move mountains, period.
    This week my mm is on vacation at the beach with his family. These are the events that used to destroy me inside but now I’m free of all that. It doesn’t phase me one bit and I feel like the whole thing is his loss!
    It takes a little time to get through it but you can. Good luck!

  403. This passage has helped me tremendously toward acceptance. I hope that it helps someone here on this website:

    “You can’t skip chapters, that’s not how life works. You have to read every line, meet every character. You won’t enjoy all of it. Hell, some chapters will make you cry for weeks.
    You will read things you don’t want to read, you will have moments when you don’t want the pages to end. But you have to keep going, stories keep the world revolving. Live yours don’t miss out.”

    I see my experience as a chapter in my life and my married man was one of the characters. When I think of him that way it makes me less resentful of him. In a strange way I feel grateful for the experience and for meeting him.
    I like to think that I was a character, in a chapter, in his life too.

    Love and hugs to all of you strong and beautiful women.

  404. Been a few weeks since I Last wrote on here. For those that dont know my story im pretty much in the be early stages of this situation (although i have ended it). Its been a slow burner mainly due to me being dead against affairs and not wanting to end up in 1. I dont see him outside of work (he has tried but i refused) its jus been fooling around during private moments. Last month things went too far he took advantage and i was absolutely livid with him. He felt my wrath but we got through it and found a place where we were friendly but no longer fooling around or txn. Its been hard but iv been coping somehow although in my heart iv felt that at some point he would try an start up again. I was right Yesterday he hugged me goodbye and gave me a kiss on the cheek (he hasnt touched me in weeks) i did not reciprocate. I have been searching for another job and found 1 within the same company i spoke with the manager at the other site and he is keen to transfer me. Iv decided its best i accept the job. I want to repair my self respect which i felt was compromised and work on forgiving myself and repenting to the lord. I have been unable to pray for forgiveness until recently because im drowning in shame about my behaviour. Next week i will tell him im leaving its going to be so hard but i cant afford to stay and fall in love with him like some of you ladies have done with your m men my heart cant take it. Plus the guilt for his wife is killing me. I cant believe i will never see him again. This actually hurts. No point to this post just feelin negative about a decision that is supposed to positive.😔

  405. Hi Kate C.

    Men are indeed too weak in many ways. Don’t get me wrong, I love men and not bashing them, but their weak pathetic behaviors, especially in an affair is so evident.
    For me, nc since January 29th. Our affair lasted 9 months. Your frustration is what I experienced over the holidays and why I ended it on New Years Day.
    I miss him everyday. I am still crying over him but this website has strengthened my nc committment. Thank you. All of you.
    When I think of the past year, I remember my mm turning to me with tears in his eyes after the first month of us being together. He said to me “you’re going to leave me because i am married!”,
    I was in a fantasy at that time. Totally clueless.

    When you talk about “firsts” I can relate. This was my first (and last) time with a mm. He has had many affairs. He knew the trajectory of our relationship.

    Things changed 3 months into our relationship. He still worried that I was going to leave him but in hindsight he had made his choice. He was staying with his wife. He never shared that decision with me. Sometimes I would get tearful when we were together and he would say “oh don’t ruin our time together with tears” and when I would talk about us as a couple, he would say “we have fun”. Narcissist.

    Our relationship was diminished in his eyes to “we have fun” even though he told me that he loved me.

    Yes there were a lot of firsts in that relationship.

    Everyone on this website has their own journey. They have their own understanding of what happened in their relationship with their mm. The OWs on this website
    are understanding more and more, everyday, and appreciating their own self worth. It is a very personal and individual experience and none of my business to try to’ ‘wake anyone up’ or lead anyone to a conclusion. I have my hands full with my own self discovery.
    I see my place here, on this website, as to offer kindness, compassion and understanding to people who have made a decision, like I did, that was not in their best interest.

    In telling my story and listening to others without judgement, I give compassion and forgiveness to myself. I learned a painful lesson about accepting an opportunity to be involved in the shadows of someone’s marriage.
    I did not belong there.
    During our entire time together I was a very remorseful and guilty over his wife. I spoke about it to him often. Maybe that was why he had to diminish our relationship to “we have fun”, I don’t know…

    I do believe that I was only seeing a small tip of the iceberg of his real self and personality.

    All I know for sure is how I feel. I can’t speak to who he really is or who his wife is.
    I know that he is a narcissist, an alcoholic very selfish and controlling. I know that his wife is morbidly obese and also an alcoholic and she is very depressed. I personally feel that he is responsible for a lot of her unhappiness. But again, that is just my own intuition and in fact I truly do not know about her or the full aspect of who my ex mm really is. It’s none of my business. As painful as it is I am really glad that I got out of this relationship. I was a 3rd wheel that did not have to be there and should never have been there.
    I deserve better and I always have. I’m sorry that I let myself settle for crumbs for 9 months of my life.
    I definitely learned something from this experience…

  406. Hi Xxx . Thank you for responding back . No I wasn’t trying to change your opinion. I only thought that by you experience talking to your Ex mm wife that she made you feel bad about your affair . I knew my Ex Mm to was married but I wanted him and I was selfish I admit it . But visiting other site which the married women dog out the mistress or talk about their pain wasn’t for me but I do wish them healing too . I can’t afford to worry about what wife think or feel about me . We all have choices here and if the wife is in so much pain and misery their is a such thing as Divorce ! But I feel you cannot place all your sadness on the mistress because most of time these men pursue us ! But nobody blames the man because we both want him huh ? Sad. But the reality is affair happen everyday and will continue too after we all gone . I reached out to because felted your pain just the relationship ended months ago don’t mean your truly healed . You are a young woman you will fine true love and one day hopefully be married . But if you continue to read those stories of sad wives that will leave you with a negative mindset about marriage. I stayed with forum Xxx so I can stay strong and not go back to my Ex mm and so far being here helped me . I don’t see you as bad person sometimes we say thing s and it just comes out differently then what we meant . But I hope you continue to stay strong ! Sending you positive vibes .

  407. I have gotten to the point of being strong enough to say no to mm invites to do things together he knows I would love doing. He says he says that’s what he admires about me and doesn’t have in his marriage. Whatever. Anymore I can’t tell what is truth and what is lies. Even when his wife contacted me she said the same. I have said before it’s a waste of of my precious time to try to even deal with. God help her cause what a life to have being married and having no trust. With that being said, I too am struggling to not respond when he contacts me. He only emails me cause his wife monitors the phone records. I mean, someone outside looking in says, it’s sooo twisted. I asked someone if it’s being a coward to change phone numbers or emails and their response was absolutely not. It’s the opposite. You are taking back control from narsarsisstic and manipulative person. Do whatever it takes to to take care of yourself.

  408. I haven’t wrote on here in a couple of months now. Since then, I have stopped and started NC with the MM several times. Everytime we’re 2 months into NC he will get in touch and i’ll just drop everything and go running back to him. Its so frustrating!!!! How do i become as strong as some of you women who are now into 9 months NC etc and are strong enough to ignore the MM when he texts? I am so sick of him and his lies. Everytime we meet up, he’ll tell me he will text me later, yet i don’t hear from him for days, a week even, until the next time he wants to arrange another ‘meeting’. he blames it on the fact that his wife is always around and he finds it hard to get in touch but i think the case is that i’m just a booty call so he’s only in touch when he requires sex. :(

  409. Great point, Tricia. This is the thing, I never saw myself as the problem in their marriage. I knew my mm for many years before we started our affair and I could tell he was unhappy. You could just see it in his face. Doesn’t mean his wife deserved to be cheated on and he should have either made the commitment to working it out with her or left her. But I never saw myself as the reason they had problems. They had problems before I ever came on the scene and I know a lot about things he did behind his wife’s back before I was ever in the picture, some of it frankly is pretty shocking stuff. So no I don’t feel responsible. I feel like I got drawn into a bad situation with someone I was emotionally attracted to who used my empathy as a manipulative tool to get what he needed. Big lesson learned and I come away stronger, but they are still stuck in the same toxic relationship.

  410. Hi Anna . I remember when I first started talking to my Ex Mm we talked about his wife and their relationship he told me our paths shouldn’t never cross and she wasn’t my concern but his and if I wanted to friends with his wife he’ll step aside . After that conversation we never talked about her again now weather she knew what he was doing on the side maybe she did she called me once but didn’t say anything . Yes I knew I was wrong for being with him but he was my everything and I was selfish I admit it but our affair is over and I have forgave myself and asked God to forgive me to I’m a good person too but I’m human I’m through beating myself up . I will never forget him but I’m in a much better place now . And Anna you and Leigh Ann have came along way and you both should be so proud of yourself. Ladies stay strong !

  411. Today is his birthday. Of course he’s with family, and I can’t even wish him a happy birthday. I’m sure she’s showering him with gifts and attention as she should. But darn if this doesn’t suck! I want it to be me celebrating with him. We celebrated last weekend as best we could in secrecy. My birthday in August will be celebrated without him. But this is my reality and a life I can’t seem to tear myself away from.

    I know I deserve better. He knows it too. I’ve told myself a thousand times I’m going to end it, but I can’t. We tell each other we love each other. He “can’t” leave her because they are in the midst of selling a house. Men aren’t strong like women. They’re too scared of starting over and potentially losing out financially. I started from ground zero when my ex husband left me for the OW. And here I am in a professional career, a home owner, raised 2 children to adulthood, and not broke. Men are too weak and cowardly to lose anything.

    I just needed to vent because today is hard. I’m 9 mos into this affair, so there are many “firsts” for me.

  412. I agree totally. Other ladies here have talked about red flags. I definitely believe the mm I had relationship with was about attention and emotional neediness for him. His wife also overlooked the red flags and chose to marry him anyway. That didn’t stop his behavior and continuing to contact me after they married. I have no doubt if I was in her shoes I would be dealing with the same situation. For that, I am grateful I am not in her shoes.

  413. I’m always accusing my mm of chatting with other girls which makes me never trust him. And then I tell myself why am I in this situation I don’t have to do this. I deserve more. Once you know someone cheats it’s hard to ever trust them or feel secure. Just my thoughts. Hugs and positive vibes

  414. Hi Tricia. Yes, I did forgive, though I do not see myself as completely innocent there. I loved this man and that was all I cared about at the time. But then my ego crushed in and I wanted more. The truth is i have never been married nor I think that I as a person can belong to anyone else but myself, but this is difficult to control once you get in a relationship, especially in the one with mm.
    You won’t change my opinion though, and the other lady who got ofended after I spoke my mind, can keep on making me as evil person in her mind because I disagreed? I did not come here to nod my head on every comment that I read. This is not a war between ows and wives. I would definitely recommend the wives to visit this site too, because as much as it helped me in healing, it helped me as well to visit the sites where the wives spoke their misery. I must say that while still being involved with mm and when being contacted by the wife, my ego was on raise too. But I think that the true healing comes not only with self-forgiveness, but also with a shame that I was a reason for somebody’s tears. I knew about the wife from the beginning, but she did not know about me.

  415. JeepGirl,
    I can only imagine how painful this must be. I have to admit I wondered many times “if” my mm had left to be with me, if i’d be dealing with this scenario with his wife. I also had a similar situation where I caught him in a Twitter pseudo-“relationship” very early on in our affair. He denied it, but there was way too much evidence. I agree these men are addicted to attention and can’t be trusted.

  416. Hi Tricia,
    Thank you for that. I agree this should be a safe place for women to say what they feel. The ow is deeply a misunderstood and vilified role. I do not feel like I am blameless in this but i also feel like there was a point in the relationship where I was manipulated. I also think the wife has a role to play in this too. I don’t think anyone deserves to get cheated on but I think many of the wives if they look back they could see red flags with their husbands where something wasn’t right and maybe they turned a blind eye because they were comfortable too. I heard someone say “the key to a happy marriage is the ability to successfully pretend “ and I think that speaks volumes. These men have problems and xxx is right about one thing she said in that we as the ow have poor boundaries, at least I know I did because I let my mm run right over my boundaries time and again in the name of “love” which was stupid and just showed him he could do whatever he wanted. Next time I will have iron clad boundaries. I am an empathetic person and I like that quality in me – that won’t change but I won’t let a man cross my boundaries that way again. As for the healing, I do believe I am mostly healed and this group had a lot to do with that. I can honestly say that this group was a huge factor in me taking that first step to end the relationship and the ladies here have seen me through when I wasn’t feeling very strong. Since then so much has happened and life has moved on. I have other things occupying my mind. I do still think about him from time to time it’s not obsessive. I have a clearer perspective. I hope that the ladies who are here visiting this site can be encouraged to know that you can get through these affairs and get over the mm. It is not easy and you never forget them but your heart does heal.

  417. Hi Xxx . These is none of my business but I’m asking have you forgive yourself for having your affair ? Because if you did you wouldn’t feel as if you hurt his wife her pain wasn’t brought on by you alone chance are problems been in their marriage. The husband shoulders that responsibility to take care of his wife and all her needs . We are responsible for our actions and nobody is perfect we make mistakes and we must forgive ourselves for having the affair and then forgive the man . We all know the wife loves her husband but again not our problem sound ( cold I know ) But our problem is learn from our mistakes and move on . This is just my opinion. Stay strong ladies !

  418. Hi Anna . If you want to leave this site because you want to then do so . But don’t leave because one person ! Nobody on here shouldn’t be pass judgement on anybody this is supposed to be a safe place where women support each other not to make anyone feel bad . That is God job not ours . I hope you stay and heal first anyway I’m sending you positive Vibes .

  419. Hi Barbara. You could be right about him lacking strength. He often said I was one of the strongest people he knew because I was able to leave a dead relationship. I don’t want to be a crutch for anyone and I think I was. I just helped him to stay and get whatever he was missing in that relationship. So now that I’m healing and I have picked up the pieces I’m pretty happy again. I know that he is in town this weekend
    and I do feel a small tinge of sadness but overall I’m really ok. It has been almost 5 months now and I have
    never felt any anger towards him. I was hurt badly and
    there were days I didn’t not think I could make it
    through another day but I did. So as my life’s journey
    continues I wish him well and hope he finds happiness
    and peace in his journey. This truly has been a forum that helped me heal in being able to share my story and realizing I wasn’t the only one going through this. I have been inspired by many of the strong women here and I hope that by sharing my story it helped others. Stay strong ladies it gets better!

  420. Listen Anna, I am sorry that I made you upset. I definitely don’t want to feel as if I made a negative impact on someone. I know it is always nicer when people agree with us and when we have common opinions. I happened not to have on this particular issue and I should have just ignored it and stop commenting. There are many more women here who would agree with you probably, I just don’t. And I don’t do it for the fact that the men do not want to leave the wives, and look at us… if we are capable of talking about these men months and years after the affair stopped, then what do you think why the wives stay with them and fight for their marriage?
    Having a narcissist and a man with narcissistic tendencies is a different thing. Maybe I was lucky to discover the pattern relatively quickly, and trust me there were times when I wished I didnt know it so I would take the hoovering attempts as his honesty. If the man is a narcissist you would feel sorry for the wife and kind of thank her for keeping that man far away from you.
    The other women have very poor self-bondaries and a very high level of unhealthy empathy. We can keep on blaming mms or we can look what to change within us. This is again my opinion and sorry if my opinions made you upset in any way. Good luck with your healing.

  421. I do not feel sorry for his wife for choosing to stay in a relationship where she is cheated on continually and can only imagine how this would affect someone’s physical and emotional health – god knows it has affected mine – but she has a choice to get out of it and she doesn’t, just as you said, that is that. People are responsible for what they choose in life and that is what she has chosen. It is not badmouthing to speak the facts. Everything on here is worth reading…. but this is a site how the other woman can get over the married man…. and we are here to support each other, at least that was what I thought and why I liked coming here. Maybe it is time for me to leave the site. I have enjoyed coming here and hearing all the ladies stories and I wish everyone here the very best.

  422. Xxx
    You did not hurt my ego. Obviously you have not read my story and that’s fine. I was involved with one mm twice. You say you are a reader of the quora site so you must be familiar with narcissicm so surely you have heard of hoovering tactics. It is not uncommon at all for a narcissist to hoover the victim back after discarding after a prolonged period of time. I’m just really surprised that someone with your education on the topic couldn’t recognize this. Ciao.

  423. Hi XXX,

    Thank you for your reply! To answer your first question, NO, unfortunately there is no way to repair my marriage. He is an alcoholic and not a nice person, and I have ZERO desire to make things good with him. We have lived like room mates for over 10 years, and I have stayed for my kids sake (truly I have!! Not like the story most mm will tell). I am trying HARD to work to be able to support myself and eventually move out with my kids. So for me, I have felt single for years and years, there has been NOTHING going on in my marriage. I think that is why I got involved with mm in the first place. Knowing he was married too, somehow made me feel safer in my situation. I have never felt like we would “run away together” or be together forever. THAT is why I think I am struggling so much wondering WHY it’s so difficult for me to just get out of this relationship now. I have already invested 5 years, and quite frankly, I won’t say they were wasted years by any means. I would have still been married regardless, so at least during that time I have had a lot of fun and joy with mm. That being said, I have also had a LOT of stress and disappointment from him, since he is married and so restricted. But again, I have never expected nor really wanted him to choose me over her. I know deep down, even though we have been together for 5 years, we really just know bits and pieces of each other. And I know for sure he has some habits that would drive me NUTS if I was around him all the time. And I will be honest, I actually do feel for his wife, and I feel guilty at times for what we are doing. We were sort of caught 6 months into our relationship, but he hold her we were just friends, and she basically said he needed to “cool things off” with me. Well, that never really lasted long. He does tell me he thinks she suspects there is still something going on with me, but she really doesn’t say much about it. And if I think real deeply about it, I do feel bad inside. But then when we have our good times together, of course the wife doesn’t even phase me. So all that being said, it’s really me battling with myself right now on what to do. I guess I know deep down we will break up for good at some point, so do I get it over with sooner than later and pray in time I will heal, move on from him AND my marriage and pray for a much deserved calm life!! :-) But…..again, finding the strength to move on….that’s the hard part!!!!

  424. Hi Leigh Ann . Your mm was attracted to your strength because this was likely lacking in him. Maybe in a way he thought you were too good for him & that’s why he ended it. My mm always asked me how someone like me could be attracted to him. Like he put me on a pedestal. I never showed signs of neediness due to my pride. I never reacted to his attempts at manipulative like insinuating he had other female friends or plying for sympathy.

    It’s been hard letting go as we work in the same office & I genuinely care about him as a person, despite him being very insecure. I avoid him at all costs and we dont speak much at all anymore except for random “pings” from him that amount to a waste of time. To detach totally I respond with equal indifference after which the conversation dies.

    Your strength is inspiring for the rest of us. Thank you!

  425. Hi Nomad. I’m so glad you have hit the 90 day mark! It feels good to be healing finally doesn’t it? I didn’t think I would feel like me again. But I do! This is going to be my summer. I have so many plans that mm doesn’t consume my mind space so much any more. I only wish him well and hope he finds whatever makes him happy. Stay strong you have done fantastic!

  426. Hi Kate C. I hope your doing well ? I remember last yr when both of our married men at that time ghosting us well mine ending our affair after 7 long yrs. Well almost 9 months later and many posting of my story here . I finally feel like myself again no I’m not dating just yet but time really do heal yes I do have emotional scars but that is to be expected. I understand where you at right now but just know when your affair really do end you will be ok yes you will make it thru the fire and slowly recover it’s like we have little break in our affair with these married man to really prepare us for the real break up . But in any case I’m sending you positive Vibes and girl power !!!

  427. Hi Jeep girl . I’m sorry you are going thru so much right now . But just know you will come through all of this at Gods time don’t blame yourself for his actions or be hard on yourself be kind to yourself . I remember you alway being so kind and supportive of the other ladies . Remember everything is just a life lesson ! Big Hugs and Positive Vibes .

  428. I do not have hatred for the ladies here, I don’t have hatred for anyone in fact and that is a huge statement to make just because I hurt your ego. I was trying to make a point that many of you just repeat the same stuff instead of properly healing. And I don’t have problem with that in fact, but I don’t like when the wives are badmouthed because the men decided to stay in the marriage. Maybe the wife bad mouths me, but that is her ego problem in any case. I was very fine and supportive until egos started speaking about the wives. But well, since I don’t agree with you on that matter, I am a hater.
    And btw, has anyone of you read the update from the lady who made this site where we are allowed to disagree? There are very good points where she reflects also on the fact that we might have hurt someone as well? I don’t know, maybe it is worth reading…

  429. This is why I state I am relieved of my now reality of us not being together. There is no way I would believe he would cut off all contact with her . I would be dealing with same as what she is dealing with. Lies and no trust. No thank you.

  430. I think I can speak for most of us here how much this consumes us by trying to get inside mm’s head and their marriage. Bottom line we need to let go. It serves no purpose. What I have learned is what has been stated by others, they are not happy. They living their lives in a broken marriage trying to repair the damage, and if mm is continuing to contact us, they are not truly remorseful or at peace. I must be getting stronger because I am actually relieved I am free of this situation that provided no real peace or happiness.

  431. Wow JeepGirl…yeah, it was you indeed.. I am sorry to hear it. I thought that it was already over to be honest because you sounded as if you regreted it huge time. I don’t think that every married man who cheats has NPD traits, but did you read about NPD/ASPD? Quora site is a great source and it helped me the most to see things clearly. I was brainwashed and honestly still trauma bonded, but I got out. From what I read and experienced, they are grooming another better source (who wont address all the manipulations and lies they make) and discard you when they completely suck you dry. But they will come back when they get bored with a new primary supply and when you start healing to fuck you more up (if you allow them). You see how yours wanted to go back to the wife..
    I hope that you will find your way out honestly.. i loved mine so much too, but i am much better off without him. I gained some weight and am generally happier and healthier. One year ago i was laying on my bad like a zombie, crying and feeling completely drained.
    I really hope you will cope with it. These men that just go back to their wives are completely different story than the ones for whom you cant anymore keep track of the women they have in the background. That is illness and I think that even them are not able to control themselves.

  432. Hi Jeep girl. I am glad that you shared your story. I know it must be painful for you but it certainly sheds a new light on this. We often wish our mm would chose us but I have often thought it wouldn’t turn out the way I wanted it to and you have confirmed it. My mm said things to me at times that made me think I was not the only one and if he left her for me he would still have someone else on the side. I’m not going to be played or messed around on. I have been down that road and won’t do it again. Someone here also said that the mm catch us when we are the most vulnerable, that may be true but my mm caught me when I was the strongest and happiest I had ever been in my life. I think he was drawn to my strength and I never waivered from that strength until he blindsided me with the break up. He did me a favour because I was going to break it off but just wasn’t quite there. I will remember him fondly in many ways but I will never look back. I am finally 90% healed and I will always move forward and never backwards. My strength has returned and I’m feeling great. I think I’m almost ready to let someone who is worthy of my time and my affection into my life. I hope that you are able to find the peace you deserve and thank you for sharing your story.

  433. I never went for a mm in the first place. I fell in love with a person and I thought he was in love with me because that was what he told me constantly. But you are right I will never put myself in a position of being fooled by a mm again because mm who cheat on their wives do not leave or if they do they can’t be trusted. Why do you have such hatred for the ladies here? Makes me wonder if you are one of the wives posting.

  434. Hi Xxx,
    I am the one you spoke of, the one who’s mm left and moved in with me. Here we are, four months later, still fighting many of the same battles. He, thus far, has been determined to stay and us to work through this, but but I lack trust, and rightly so.
    I found out a week after he moved in with me that he did message his wife and try to go back, she refused him. Then, I caught him hiding a Facebook message from someone who stated she had a confession and couldn’t wait to meet him, then I caught him adding my attractive friends and other attractive women on Facebook. I could go on.

    He has ruined any chance of us having a future, because he is who he is and does what he does.

    We fight regularly still because I have zero trust left. I still love him, but I am not blind to the fact that he is never going to change. Granted, when caught in the above behaviors he stopped, admitted guilt, and begged for forgiveness, but my thinking is…for how long will the changed behavior last?
    He is very attractive, built, kickboxing trainer, so the women like him. Apparently, he is liking them too, and my heart knows he always will.
    My dream of spending the rest of my life with this man who I love purely, is quickly fading, and I should have known better, because he has, and will continue, to always need the feel good that comes with the attention of other women.
    Ladies, run. Because there are no happy endings with these men.

  435. You say you were the OW twice? The wife is the wife and the man chose to stay with her. Period. Next time you won’t go for a married man and that is pretty much all to it.

  436. I think these men find us when we are vulnerable that’s why are easily to fall into that kind of situation. I think we are a crutch in there lives and a way out or an escape from something in their lives and they fill a void in our lives.

  437. Hi Anna . Yes they are doing damage control and throwing us under the bus . But as soon as everything settled down and the smoke clears he going to try and get his mistress back or go get another chic on the side they simply cannot help themselves. I think my Ex Mm had a mid life crisis his wife made him a Daddy again at the age of 47 plus he a grandpa so he needed to feel young again and know he still had it ? From the outside looking in these married couples make their lives look so wonderful but hey that is what they want people to see but it’s just an image you will never know the real drama behind closed doors . But coming to this site keeps me stronger because reading these stories let you know there is no good endings in these affairs so why go back once you get out ? I hope the ladies still in these affairs find the courage and strength to walk away and find true happiness !!

  438. Yes Tricia.. i agree.. i think that what you just said is a great explanation – they just get bored. They escaped from wives not to listen to their complaints or to break boredom, and then we start complaining too..poor them. Mine was being infatuated with me, in his eyes I was a pure perfection, until i became pain in the ass with complaining and sarcasm. In fact he cheated on me as well, so you can imagine how crazy he made me that I didn’t even have time to think about the wife anymore, I was struggling with all the other women.😅 But I do not think that the wives should be discussed. It was not their fault that the men decided to go back to them. Nor it was their fault that we entered it. The wife called me horrible names when she found out, but I would probably call her too if i were her.

  439. Hi Taylor, that is called trauma bond, which is still better than Stockholm’s syndrome that hits me sometimes. Either way you are stuck in a bad thing. I have never been in a marriage and not sure if I truly wish to be, but is there any way to try to focus on repairing it? I know it takes two to tango, but it seems you need a long and a serious conversation with your husband. Nobody will rescue yourself but you. I can imagine that these men relax even more when the OW is married because looking the other way around they are the OM from their perspective. That may just add up to their disrespect.
    Another thing, having been with mm can bring some useful insights into one’s personality. What caused us to enter it and what stops us from exiting? When you try seeing everything from a psychological perspective and giving yourself such explanations, you are half way from getting free. Maybe we indeed never fully recover, but that is OK and better than being obsessed with all that drama. Also, it is sometimes good to have some itching pain in the shadows of our mind as a push and a reminder that we overcame one of the greatest struggles, so every other struggle can be overcome too.
    And for why he didn’t choose me over everything is the question that will always hurt every one of us. I embraced that pain. Had he chosen me, maybe I would be looking for a way out. We are always more fond of something that is out of our reach. There was a lady here if you remember – he chose her, moved in together and after one month she came here to tell us we don’t need that shit. They fought every day and she wanted him to go back to the wife which I imagine he did, and that she was happy for it. The difference is that he chose her and ours didnt choose us (thank God). When they do choose and it seems to work out afterwards, is when the man is from the beginning determined and looking for the ways to do it. You see, I know a way too much about my mm that I should be grateful every day for getting out, but still I have that pain from not being chosen. And while I hate women here comparing themselves to the “fat and ugly” wives, maybe that’s a coping mechanism for them to console for why they were not the chosen ones. But it is much easier to just stop fighting it and accept. It is not always a bad thing to have a failure.
    Sorry for the long reply, I get carried away easily. :)

  440. I think the wives are in a far better position than we are. Obviously, the mm are not leaving them. They are in first place. Yes, the mm cheated on them and that obviously hurts. But after the cheating, the mm go into groveling mode and start doing whatever they can to make it up. Whether it is from a genuine place or they are just saying whatever they can to keep from losing their “stuff”, the bottom line is that the wife has the man making it up to her, asking forgiveness, probably telling her that she’s the only one he’s ever truly loved, what a mistake he made, etc. Probably doing a bunch of smear tactics on the OW as well, saying that he was manipulated into the affair, that the OW made the first move, etc. Do you honestly think that the OW is hearing the affair from our point of view? Doubtful. These mm are doing damage control. As far as visiting this site often, I think that grieving is different for everyone. I have been through this twice. The first time it took me almost two years to get over it and I never used any online forums. This time is much different and my healing has been much quicker. Of course it will always be part of my life and something that I will have to deal with. This has also changed me and left a huge mark on me. It is not that horrible pain anymore but I have come out of it a different person. The women here empower and support me to be strong. I have been on other online forums where I felt sad and triggered and I had to leave those groups but this one isn’t like that for me. I hope that everyone else here feels the same way.

  441. Hi ladies. I’m glad you are feeling better. I understand it is very difficult, but life is not easy. And yes, it is very nice to encourage other women and give them support, but it is better that you heal properly. I am not healed properly otherwise honestly I wouldn’t be coming here.
    @Nomad, I don’t know about you, but if I were someone’s wife and loved him so much, I most probably would be very happy that my husband was showering me with the attention after some other woman got dumped by him. I would feel as a winner and on top of that I would feel no conscience guilt as would probably be the case with the OW had she “won”.

  442. Hi! Hope everyone is hanging in there ok! I am still struggling BIG time what to do with my relationship with mm. I know I need to somehow find the strength and courage to end it with him, but that thought of ending permanently just makes me sick. But, what’s even worse, is I really do NOT know what I am holding on for!! I know 100% there is no future for us, nor have we ever even talked about a future together. And, I am pretty sure he would drive me NUTS if we ever even had the opportunity to be together more than we have been. We don’t tell each other we love each other, we don’t even have pet names for each other, NONE of that affectionate kind of stuff and we have been together on and off for 5 YEARS!!! So, what is my problem? …why is it SO difficult for me to just pull the trigger and end things with him. I get SO stressed out when I don’t hear from him, or his texts are short, and if I look at the big picture, really our texts are boring as hell!!! LOL Now, when we are together in person, that’s a whole different story. We could sit and hold hands and talk and talk forever. Our sex lift together is out of this world!!! BUT….as we all know, we only get a few moments of the hand holding, conversations, good sex, etc….. the rest of the 99% of the time we aren’t with them. So the question becomes, does the good outweigh the stress, or the stress outweigh the good? And still the question of, do I REALLY want to be doing this for another 5 years??? It also does not help, that I am living in a very bad marriage with an alcoholic and can’t seem to get out of that either. Something has got to give!! I know I deserve better, and I have so much to offer and give to the right person. Why does it have to be SO hard to get away from the wrong men??? :-(

  443. Hey Leigh Ann
    Glad to hear that you’re doing well! I’m still on nc passed 90days mark. I’m done!

    Just wanted to say the W feels no pain because ignorance is bliss and she’s still the legal one whom he chose over me.

    Now that the fog had cleared, I feel disgusted that I did what I did, I feel sad that I’ve allowed myself to be exploited.

    Let’s press on!

  444. Hi Nomad . You are absolutely right ! When do help these married men relationship with their wives . I think it us who suffers in the long run because they lose respect for us the day we decide to play second best and as soon as we start complaining and crying about we time is the day he is saying (Damn if I want this )! I might as well say with wife and generally they do . But I shall never settle for another woman husband !

  445. Xxx, on the contrary, I used to envy the W because ignorance is bliss. Her cheating husband will make effort and shower her with more TLC to compensate the guilt and cover up the fear. Her cheating husband will apply whatever he learnt from the OW onto the W. In the end, the W is the winner who gets a doting H spicing up the marriage.

  446. Hi Xxx. I hope your doing fine ? I’m doing much better time do help ! Even thou I hate how it ended but hey whatever !! I agree with you the wife probably is hurting and the long suffering wife . But she isn’t not our concern I know sound mean right ? She is her husband business and we need too take care of ourselves and try not to fall for other woman man so we don’t end up here crying the blues . And yes at some point you should leave this forum but sometimes we can give these ladies a word of encouragement because their still in the thick of the relationship and they need to see if we old girls survive the married man leaving us they will too it’s not the end of the world right ladies ? Anyway fine all the happiness your heart will take !! Continue to stay strong ladies !!!! Big Hugs.

  447. Xxx you are so right. I have been getting better and I find that reading this does keep the pain close. I still cry but I am 80% better and because of that I have not really been visiting this site. I do still miss him and I have picked up the pieces of my life and have been putting them back together. And I agree that whatever pain I feel the W’s would be 10 times worse. Now they the fog had cleared I feel embarrassed that I did what I did. I will never do it again and it was a huge learning lesson for me. I will heal what is broken in me and should I ever be put in this position again it will be a giant “get lost” to the mm. I am healing myself and filling my life so that no man will be the main thing in my life. I have discovered that part of the reason this was so difficult was because I did not have enough to fill my life so I found myself alone again and it was horrible. Being single is difficult, but as long as I have my family my friends and my many interests and activities I will find someone who will be there to share in them and not be my main thing. Thank you for your insight.

  448. Hi Tricia,
    You are on spot here. But don’t forget that wives are not in a better position either. Especially after a long term relationsnip with the OW —> husbands intentionally hurt their wives as well (intentionally, cuz they can stop it and they don’t). I know the wife’s story and it was far worse than mine. If i have to collect the scattered pieces, she needs to do that times ten.
    I think also that often visiting sites like this is not helpful either. It is definitely tremendously helpful while you are trying to get out, but once you are out and keep reading through all these stories, it just keeps you close. It reminds you all the time on your pain.

  449. Hello ladies. I hope everyone had a good week and is staying strong. I have had a good week and stayed NC. I have been traveling and my mind has been off my mm. Occasionally when I’m in my room I think about him and pull up social media to check on him which I know is stupid. Habit I guess? I saw a family photo and it just struck me that at the end of it all he chose her over everything else and isn’t that what we all want, someone to chose us over any circumstances? Well he chose her. I’m sure it’s not easy for them but they’re trying to work it out. And I have to try to work this out. Sometimes I truly fkin hate him. But it is what it is. I am not ready for a new relationship. Too many triggers and too much to work out. I have a single guy at work who likes me and every time he texts me to “send him a pic” I get triggered. I compare him to mm… I can’t help it. I need more time. I don’t know how long. I just do. But it has been wonderful to get away. I hope all you ladies are doing great. Hugs.

  450. Thanks Kat .It hurts as hell.This pain is almost physical and not jus emotional.hope we stay strong .

  451. Sonya that’s exactly how I feel. Will I ever recover from this? Is there light at the end of this? I haven’t completely ended it with my mm but I feel like it’s headed that way. Hopefully one day we will feel better and move from this and it will be a small memory. Hugs stay strong

  452. Taylor I totally understand how it feels to wait for here texts each day. I do that with my mm too when he’s working. After I lashed out at him last night he said he was writing a long report that was time sensitive and he was just doing his job and I said oh ok do you understand why I’m mad and today he replies that he understands and that he just got bad news about a family member. And I ask him what’s going on and he says his mom is sick very sick and I said is it cancer and he said yea but he’s still trying to get details. That was the last I heard. Idk if he’s lying to get rid of me or if it’s true. I can’t do anything so I’m just going to let it be and stop fighting everything. If he wants me in his life he will come if not let him go. I deserve so much more.

  453. It’s has been two weeks since he texted me and informed he is taking a break .I stupidly texted him back after a week how I was acting childish and irrational in my behavior, in the last few months while he was so busy with work and that I wish him well. I put myself down again one more time. He replied saying he accepts my apology (ha!!) And he is happy to get my message but he is still sorting through things and it’s not a great idea to see each other.He will say hello when he sees me around at work .Well I never asked him to reunite though I was kind of holding a candle that he will ask for it .But why oh why , when I know this relation is doomed already with no long term hopes. Why can’t I move on.Why do I still cry every day .Why do I want to see if he is missing me which he is most likely not .It’s so hard …don’t know if I will ever recover from this .

  454. Kat – I am in NC with my MM & can promise you I feel a million times better now. I’ve even reduced my anxiety medication down to one a day.. and guess what? Yesterday he text ‘how is Hayley?’ I ignored.. then later ‘you don’t want to talk anymore?’ I ignored.. something I was always unable to do was ignore but I actually do not care anymore. Is he asking to see me? No is he finally admitting his feelings? No so I don’t want his ‘check in’ crumbs anymore. I too was feeling crazy but not anymore.. you want to know the secret?? Turning all that obsession, love right back onto yourself.. it really really works. Knock him off that pedestal, take care of yourself, watch rubbish films, read books, buy yourself your favourite perfume, retail shopping, stop stalking and take time and care for yourself. It honestly works! I even tried mediating which isn’t my thing but my god I’m sleeping like a baby.. it’s an app called ‘calm’ try it.
    I don’t care for his texts, I don’t care about him or his stupid boring wife, no man on this planet is worth losing yourself for but until you turn it all back onto yourself you will never start to feel better and escape the trap.
    I Never thought I would say this but I honestly don’t know what I saw in him now. I’m better than him I always was and I always will be. Good Riddens.
    Do I sit here feeling bad for ignoring him? Nope let him experience a tad of that rejection that I experienced. Do I sit here hoping for another text.. nope not anymore I really couldnt care less. Unless he’s breaking down my door with his divorce papers then I’m more than done & even if he did I’m not sure I would want him now.. all that rollercoaster wasn’t love. If he loved me he would move mountains for me regardless of what obstacles stand in his way.
    Make yourself your own priority and watch the tables turn. I hope you find the strength eventually.. it sure did take me a while.

  455. Unfortunately, I did reach out to him a few weeks after I posted my story. :(

    I kept seeing all of these happy couples and families whenever I would go on walks with my dog and would think about the future that we both thought we would have and constantly spoke of. As much as I tried to stay busy, I couldn’t stop worrying about him. WHAT IF his wife HAD filed for divorce? Who was going to cook for him? Clean around the house? Be there to support him?
    I sent one “final” message and told him everything that was on my mind and set a deadline. I told myself that if he didn’t reply within a week, I NEEDED to once and for all let him go and move on. After all, him not replying was just proof that I wasn’t important to him. You don’t just leave someone you love hanging when you know that you’re putting them though so much emotional distress.

    He opened my message, saved it and didn’t reply. I don’t understand why he saved them if he wasn’t planning on replying. By this point, I had already come to the conclusion that he was with his wife, but then why didn’t he just block me or tell me to stop messaging him? So… I deleted the messaged he had saved (this was on snap) and told him goodbye, to which he finally replied “Sorry” and said that he couldn’t talk to me.

    I was heartbroken, disappointed, PISSED. All of the times that I tried getting out of the relationship, he’d make me feel like I was the worst person in the world. And now that he had a valid reason to get a divorce, now that the secret was out, now that I had decided to stick with him no matter what, he says “sorry” and backs out, just like that. It’s like he just disposed of me. Everything that we ever went through didn’t matter to him anymore.

    What bothers me the most isn’t that he decided to cut me off. What bothers me is that I ALWAYS big on communication. I would tell him what my next step was and why, but he couldn’t do the same. I was the “love of his life”, his “world” and yet- he ghosted me and finally left me. He couldn’t just TELL ME what was happening. I wasn’t going to fight him about it like he did with me.

    I made a whole new plan for myself right after that- joined the gym, read the bible more, started looking into other hobbies that I can take up, but no matter what I do – I still miss him and it annoys me. I shouldn’t miss someone like that. I expected loyalty from someone who had already shown me that he wasn’t. Why in the world would I want to be with someone as selfish as him? It makes no sense, so why is moving on so hard?

    I know that the time will come when the memory of him doesn’t bring me to tears and that this is an opportunity for me to grow as a stronger person, but I wish I could just push the fast forward button.

  456. Yea I still talk to him and havent officially ended it. I have tried in the past but felt so sad and upset that I always went back. On one hand being in this situation I feel so angry and upset everyday. Im consistently lashing out at him saying that I never get to see him and he dosnt make time for me. He’s always working (he’s in law enforcement) I’m tired of the crumbs. It’s a relationship with the phone. I feel like I have every right to feel all those emotions given this type of situation but on the other hand I feel like I’m going crazy and I shouldn’t be upset and angry and unhappy everyday. I do have anxiety and depression but I wonder if I have something else going on because I feel so crazy. Like maybe these up and down emotions aren’t normal. And idk if I really try to move on and do NC for months in time I will eventually feel better and these up and down emotions will subside. I also have never really been in a relationship so this is kinda like the closest thing I have had to one which I’m thinking is making it worse or harder for me. Hugs to everyone 🤗

  457. Hi Kat- I am sorry you are in a similar situation! It’s SOOO hard to be strong. On Sunday my mm texted me early in the day with a nice text saying hi, but he couldn’t talk. I don’t always mind those (on the weekends) for at least I know he is thinking about me. However, his next text wasn’t until after 9:00 at night saying he was sorry we couldn’t talk, but he “ended up” at dinner at his daughter’s boyfriends house. (which meant him, wife and daughter)…..so I read that right before I went to bed and was not happy. I DO know they do things as a family, but still hard when I wait all day to talk to him, and then end up getting a late text like that.

    I held back from texting him first yesterday ( I usually to, since he is in law enforcement and never know where he will be at what time)…..He ended up texting me just saying Good morning. I know he knew something was wrong. I ended up replying, but never said about what was wrong. And we went through the day as usual, a few texts here or there. Today, he called in sick. His wife is a teacher, and off for the Summer. So, that means very limited texting AGAIN, and I just hate being on this side of it. Always waiting and waiting for that stupid text!!! You are so right, we don’t deserve this!!! We ALL deserve so much better!!! HUGS back!!! ♥

  458. Hi Kat, I’m sorry your in a similar situation!! We all deserve so much better!!!

    This just sucks! Wish I could blink and he’d be gone and so would my heart break!! 😔

  459. I don’t think I really miss him as much as I miss just having someone. When I start to miss him I take a moment to just concentrate on what I’m really feeling. And I really think I just miss having what I thought I had with him. But I can have that again, it’s just harder now to trust. I’m not ready to be with anyone yet, but I hope I will. He made me realize how much I have to give.

  460. Katie, that was me. My mm was great with words too. You may not be quite ready to end it yet but it sounds like you’re getting close to that point. Try not to be taken in too much but his words and look at his actions. The words are a tool they use to manipulate us and keep us from searching elsewhere. It’s hard, I know it’s hard, because you love this man. But if push came to shove can he live up to those words? I totally understand where you are at, just know that unless they leave it does not get better. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hugs.

  461. Hi Katie C. I remember your story last yr . First off these relationship stuck but it’s a learning experience thou . All of the stories the same with the same question how do I break free from these married man ? Norma’s said in her post that the married man don’t want other wife to whom it gotta answers too because it’s draining . Well I think these men shouldn’t pick a woman on the side and expect to brush her off when you get sick of her or tired ! We have feeling too just like their wives so what do you expect ? For the other woman to take her feeling and put them in her pocket and go on ? These men are full of Shit ! They take want we have to offer than decide it’s all too much ! ( really ) ? It easy to put the blame solely on the woman . Most of the time we aren’t in a good place in our life when we meet these married men and they use it to their advantage not saying most of them are bad because their not . I just hate the aftermath of these affairs and what it does to us ladies and how we never seem to mentally be free from them even we there gone . Chin up ladies and Positive Vibes !

  462. I’m still very much in the throes of this affair (8 mos). He came to my home yesterday for a few hours. It was wonderful, but there is always that underlying sadness knowing he has to leave. He says all the right things “you’re my forever. Just be patient” “I love you” “I wish I could stay”. He helps me with things in the house.

    I’m sitting her bawling this morning. Why? Because he said he’d call me in this morning, and he hasn’t (his wife isn’t there this weekend). I saw that he was online on FB, yet he hasn’t texted or anything. That just bugs the life out of me. I imagine maybe he doesn’t really care about my feelings, altho he often talks about how this affair is so unfair to me. Or I imagine he’s talking to some other woman (a thought I cannot bear).

    I thought I could let go of him when he was on vacay with his fam last weekend. I enjoyed the fact that there was zero chance of him contacting me (but he did…twice). I was free of my phone. My anxiety lifted. I thought I could finally call it quits. But when he got back home, I went right back into the same pattern of obsessing over him contacting me. I’m really trying not to do that. I’m trying to put myself on the pedestal instead of him, but im finding that to be very difficult.

    I want him to be the one worrying for once. Worried that I’m slipping away. He knows I have other options. I hate this powerlessness, and this is not how I am with anyone else in my life.

    I’m just really struggling right now. Crying reading through all your stories. None of us meant for things to go this far yet they have. I cannot imagine ever having the strength to end this. Thought I could after last weekend, but that proved false. I live in fear of him wanting attention of other women besides me and his wife, and it keeps me in constant turmoil. He says no other woman compares and that he has no desire for anyone else, including his wife, but the fear remains. His wife is suspicious, and he is scared of losing everything. Men aren’t strong like women. How many of us here have been in bad marriages and had to start over in life with nothing? Men can’t seem to do that, although my ex left me for the OW (they ended up breaking up, and he lives with his parents now at age 48).

    I’m so torn. I love him, but I detest how I feel right now. I want the freedom to be able to contact him when I want just like a normal r/s. He calls all the shots. It’s really stupid on my part that I’m allowing this, but damn if I can tear myself away :(

  463. Hi Nomad,
    I don’t know 100% if he has me blocked but i suspect he may to appease his wife. I did think maybe (knowing him) he would unblock me but he hasn’t replied so maybe he still has me blocked or he has just made up his mind he’s done, the price is too high. I wasn’t expecting a moment of folly or return to the affair. I think I hiT feel so deeply empty and horrible about how things have ended between us. Theres a part of me that feels guilty for it even though I know that sounds crazy. It’s almost like I blame myself sometimes. Maybe if I could have just been better, or been the kind of woman to take life easy and have fun with the affair this wouldn’t have happened. But I know that’s just not true. I feel so mind-f’d by all this and I just wish there was a way out.

  464. Hi Nomad you are right. They serve no purpose anymore. We are strong women and we can move forward without them. Stay strong and know your self worth. Hugs

  465. There was one time when I had gone out on a date and when I was driving home my mm was driving behind me in the police car (he was working) and then messaged me saying it was late where was I going and I told him I went on a date. And after that he seemed to get jealous too and say he wanted to see me and how pretty I am. It felt like he put in more effort there probably because he felt like he was losing me or like I was moving on. I deserve so much better than the crumbs he gives me.

  466. I know my mm has me blocked on social media , but that’s fine. Won’t temp me to look him up. Lol. And he doesn’t have to worry about blocking his phone/email. I have not been the one to initiate contact again and again. I too miss what we shared, and think of him everyday. He stated the same, but it was a fantasy. I waited for him to leave everything for me. Someone posted and I have read this before about seeing ourselves in this situation a month, 6 months, year, or 5years from now. Omg, no!

  467. Taylor I feel you. My mm is in law enforcement too and most days he’s working he’s busy working on operations and has barely any time to text with me. So I completely understand your frustration and being upset. I feel the same way. I also try to be short with my replies. They don’t make time for us which sucks and we don’t deserve that. Hugs 🤗

  468. Hi Nomad,

    I was doing well. Almost 5 months nc now. Yesterday was a bad day. Sudden depression and loneliness. Tears, tears and more tears. In my office, at lunch , on my way home from work…..I don’t know what brought this on. Nothing has changed, maybe that is what brought it on. I miss him.

    Your words sting because they are the truth:

    “They do not need another wife whom we’ve becoming like one, expecting consistent contacts, attention and affection, it’s draining to keep assuring us (because we should know by now! We should know because they still prefer to f*** OW than the legit roommate at home).”

    I could see him wearing weary from my every weekend discomfort of him going home (he was living on the weekdays close to work in ‘their’ 2nd house). He would say to me “if that living arrangement is not a separation then I don’t know what is”. Yes mm. You do not know what a separation is. I agree. Your wife does not believe you to be separated, that is why you go home to her on the weekends.
    I was a sexual crutch (my words) to keep him ‘fulfilled in his current situation” as he called it. What a loser…..we both are.

    I got out. After 9 months of being together, I realized that I am falling deeper and deeper in love with this unavailable man. I am digging my own grave. I had to go. He blamed me. Said I was worth risking his ‘security’ but now he “doesn’t feel that way” since I want to call it off. I guess to his malignant narcissistic state of mind, I insulted him.

    I told him “so romantic. What every woman wants to hear….I risk losing my wife for you”.

    No mm. I cannot risk losing MY life for you. One of the last things he emailed me was “I once thought that we would be intimates forever, but your resolve would not permit….”

    It is my fault. I just couldn’t hang and now I ruined everything! Crumbs were just not good enough for me, after all I should be thrilled that he would grace me with his presence.

    After writing this to you ladies, I have to ask myself….”Jules. What do you miss?” His wife calling constantly when we are together and listening to him lie?
    I have seen 2 therapists a week since Nov 2018. I need to keep that up.

    “Thank you” does not convey the depth of my gratitude to all of you here on this website.
    Hugs to you ladies. I appreciate you so VERY much.

  469. WHY does it have to be SO hard to be strong and try and get the upper hand for once. So my mm is in a very high profile law enforcement job and sometimes works a lot of hours. This past week was one of those weeks. We didn’t talk much and didn’t see each other at all. Despite all that, I have always felt that he could at least make an attempt at a good, meaningful “last” text of the day to me. Especially the days we barely talk. Well, he didn’t do much of that this week. Yesterday, I knew he had to work all day and would have limited time to text. I was trying HARD to be short and see if I can start pushing myself down the road of ending this relationship for good. I was strong enough to not initiate the first text of the day to him yesterday morning. He eventually texted me saying Good morning and hi and telling me he was really busy and to have a good morning. I was short back with my text, and felt pretty good for that. I waited and waited for his next text, taking everything I had to not send him one. I eventually heard from him early afternoon with a real short text. I replied with an equally short text. But then for some STUPID reason, I felt bad sending the short text, so later, I sent him a text telling him I just wanted him to know that I had really missed talking and seeing him this week. When he was done with work he replies back saying “I agree 100%”……(not I missed you too, or something like that)……then he proceeded to tell me he hoped the weekend goes well for me (he knows my husband is a drunk and weekends are AWFUL for me)….and he said he would say hi as he could throughout the weekend. Anyways……I was SO mad at myself for sending that missing you text….I wish I had just remained strong and short, and let him wonder if something was wrong. Although, not sure he would have even questioned it!!! So again… I just don’t know HOW to really really end things on my terms. I just feel so weak and that I will never, ever be able to initiate the ending of this roller coaster relationship??? :-(

  470. Jk, Leigh Ann,

    I’m also sick of dealing with his guilt and treating me like dirt. They gave us nothing now. They serve us no purpose right?

  471. Tricia, Anna

    I’ve just turned 46. I have left because age is catching up, I’m feeling saggy and flabby and I’m not whining because I didn’t diet or exercise to tone myself and make head turns.

    Previously I’ve shared here that I’m puzzled why he’s blocking me when I’m always the one who exited and blocked him. It’s not as if I’m a psycho, clingy and dangerous like Glen Close In fatal Attraction haunting him down and vowed to destroy him. I felt horrible when I checked in apr and early May that he’s still blocking me (can’t see his profile pic or unless he deleted my contacts). I told myself to stop checking ad this act will sadden me so please avoid. For almost a month, I’ve stopped trying to find out if I’m still blocked. I’m still feeling the void and the heartache. But I’ve learnt to avoid triggers. If he’s now a cool customer, so can I, right? I’m still alive and it’s my problem that I can’t get real, still fantasizing for romantic love. I’m so damaged and I’m enduring not to break nc. I want him to reach out but I also do not want him to reach out.

    Thank you all for being here, hugs and enjoy everyday while they leave us alone.

  472. Jk

    I totally agree with you and I’m currently under his mercy. I’ll not unblocked. I’ll not reach out. I’ll not try to find out if he has unblocked me (previously I asked what’s his point to block me when I exited first and blocked him, I want out, I’m helping him to live a guilt free and morally right life; it’s not as if I’m a psycho, clingy and dangerous which warrants him to block me).

    I’m stronger than last year but I still miss the affair EVERYDAY, having someone to fall in love with romantically.

  473. Anna,
    Wow! These are the exact words that I’d say and explain why he has finally stopped the vicious cycle. He knows what I want but he NOW can’t give me the all that want when he could at the beginning to make me fall so hard and deep. What had changed? Why is he starving me and throwing me crumbs at his convenience and I’ve to deal and heal with his withdrawal. So what has changed? Addiction and novelty faded, reality of life outweighs the greed and selfishness, this is the reality. They do not need another wife whom we’ve becoming like one, expecting consistent contacts, attention and affection, it’s draining to keep assuring us (because we should know by now! We should know because they still prefer to f*** OW than the legit roommate at home).

    How did u know you’re being blocked, I’ve no courage to find out if I’m still being blocked. Last check in early May, I was blocked and that hurts (I’ve blocked him since late Feb but I doubt he would feel as hurt and rejected as me). U know reaching out will hurt you and make you sad, then try to avoid triggers, please Anna, try to avoid trigger and give no chance for him to hurt you. Be thankful he’s away, he didn’t reply. His reply will be desultory and upset u ten folds.

    When you break nc, what were u expecting? Just a moment of folly? Has anything changed? One thing that has changed is that reality hits you right your face, it becomes clearer that the affair has come to its end, he has chosen to return to his family, if you still want him in your life, then accept his crumbs and all his terms and all the boundaries he defined. If you accept all his take-it-or-leave terms, and then he comes back,is it love or just a quick fix to your withdrawal symptoms? Will u ever stop asking for his time and affection, be an understanding OW? To be an understanding and accomodating OW, you must prepare to lose yourself, live under his mercy and demands, stop expecting he’ll forsake his family. Throughout my affair, I’m even jealous and paranoid if they were sleeping together. My close friend would then say which husband do not f*** the W? Having sex to satisfy biological needs to a man is like breathing, they’ll only be haunt by guilt and fear after they’ve climaxed, never before. See through all these brutal reality, do you feel thankful that you come this far? Do you feel grateful that he didn’t reply to suck you back into the vicious cycle?

    I’m angry that end of the day, he still goes back to his W after cutting me off, she gets to see him daily, he’ll never leave her even though she can treat him like dirt.

    Anna, don’t beat yourself up for breaking nc. I think I’m still under his mercy too, I may cave in if I see him. I’m telling myself to live mindfully while he’s cutting me off, try to live better, focus on career or getting use to life without him, he is the source of my sadness and anxiety and low esteem so, let go, drop him, snap out of it.

    Last saw him on 14 Feb, last blasted at him on 26 Feb, come mon, it’ll be 90days and I’m telling you all, I’ll stop counting, I’ll crawl back my pride and dignity. I am grateful that he let me off although I’m inclined to think that he did it for his sanity, morals, family, anything but for me. I’m used and it’s time for him to move on. I’m too much a drama and hassle to deal with just for some free f***. He has no respect for me.

    Simply, they’ve lost the interest and we’re no longer serving any purpose or needs too. They can’t afford. We refuse to accept crumbs. I know I cannot bear to drag to the day to hear him say I was his mistake and apologize for using me and wish me well. I exited when he’s still somewhat wanting to have the cake and eat it… he’s still addicted to me but the deal breaker is his guilt, fear, withdrawal due to losing of interest? having found my replacement? resigned himself with his ugly W?

    I’m the joke. I think I’ve written all these more to remind myself.

  474. Young & Confused

    Hey Kat, I was in a similar situation. I’m 22 and he’s 42. I finally got so fed up with the situation that I left. I was strong for 9 months until yesterday when I messaged him again. The reason I left is that I found somebody else that treated me WAY better. Unfortunately, that relationship just recently ended very poorly and I went right back to my MM. I know that when I started talking to other guys, my MM got extremely jealous. It kinda made him realize what I had been going through the whole time with him and his wife. When I started posting pictures of my boyfriend and me on social media it was like a slap in the face to him. He finally semi-understood what I went through whenever he posted pictures of his wife. I’m not sure if this is very good advice but it seemed to work for me :-)

  475. Young & Confused

    Hey y’all, guess what I did?? I contacted my MM after NINE MONTHS of no contact. Yup, I sure did and I don’t know why. He is equally as confused by it as I am. I thought we could finally be friends after nine months but I think I was wrong. He was super excited to hear from me and we met up within an hour of me sending him a message. I honestly didn’t even think he would reply to my message. Now we can’t stop talking to each other and it feels like that nine months didn’t even happen. I swore to myself that I was over him and that I wouldn’t catch feelings for him ever again… but I think it’s happening. All because of a forehead kiss and a hug that lasted a little too long. I really hope that I don’t fall back into my old ways… I don’t think that’s going to happen, but it’s very possible. We talked for hours and it was such a great feeling because we have always been so comfortable with each other. Looking back on all my old posts on here I realized how much emotional and psychological stress he caused me and that is NOT something I want to go through again. I think I’ve made a big mistake. *facepalm*

  476. These men have nothing to offer us. I have posted on here before and have been keeping up with everyone’s comments daily. I’m getting real sick and tired of this situation with my mm. I’m 28 years old and he’s 39. I don’t need to settle for crumbs that he gives me. I have my whole life ahead of me. I am worthy of a loving healthy relationship with a man that can give me 100% of themselves. I have tried to end things many times but to only feel so much hurt and pain and crying everyday. I think it was Leigh Ann that said she cried driving to work, at work and going home from work. That’s how I feel the non stop crying. I feel like I have a lot of anger towards him. He says he can’t change his situation because of his kids. (They all say that). It’s been almost a year and a half. I’m tired of being angry and upset everyday. I need to end this so I can move on and heal and hopefully try to find a new guy. I just hate all the up and down and crazy emotions I feel. Hugs ladies, positive vibes 🙏

  477. Anna . There’s nothing wrong with reaching out that’s normal I think what we shared with them men cannot just vanish in months . But I do think deep in your married man heart he knows how you feel about him . Have a wonderful trip !!

  478. Hi JK. How right you are. His fear is not my problem. It makes me hurt but I still will continue to move forward my heart still is heavy but I’m filling my life with things that make me happy. I would not want to live in an unhappy marriage and that’s why I left. Too bad he missed out on a great catch like me. And too bad all these other mm missed out on great catches like all the strong women here 💪🏻

  479. Hi Anna. I know that empty feeling. I want to believe what we had was real too. I have to admit I did cry again today which is something I have not done in a while. I won’t reach out to him he has to do what he has to do. I don’t think he has me blocked but I don’t think he would answer me if I did reach out. Enjoy your vacation and who knows who you might meet. Be good to yourself you deserve it! Hugs to you

  480. Well I broke NC and no reply. I agree with you both. I feel like my mm got an ultimatum from his wife and is now believes he cannot contact me as it is too much to risk and too high a price to pay. He knows I can not be happy with crumbs and he can’t give me more so he is not going to open the door again. He always told me if his life changed he would come find me and I have to live as if he doesn’t exist. If he does come to me one day I know it will be our time but if not I’m truly better off and must live my life right now.

  481. Hi Leigh Ann! Thank you so much for your reply, it really hit home!! MM and I have broken up a few times and I was always in bed sicker than a dog thinking life would never be the same. Then we would get back together, and it all started again. You are so right, I have the same feelings of not being able to text him or call him when I want. Anna said it exactly right, we are in a relationship with our phones. And if he does text when I know he’s at home, I have to make sure and text back within minutes just to get my reply in. It’s just dumb and unfair to us, that is for sure. And I keep thinking, for what?? To continue this roller coaster ride for 5 more years and just waste that time. I guess though for me, the other part of the equation is that I am in a very bad marriage and at this point feel like I am stuck. I have 2 kids and financially, I cannot afford to go out on my own. I think if I was truly single, it would be MUCH easier to break it off with mm, for I could find another fish in the sea. But, since I am stuck for awhile, what I have with him has worked to a certain extent. None of this is easy, and I wish for all of us to find peace soon! Hugs to all!! ♥

  482. Hi Leigh Ann, Nomad, Tricia, Hayley and all,
    Well, I was weak and reached out today and broke the NC. I am about to leave on a big trip, never been this far away from home. I just told him that I was leaving tomorrow and that I will always love him. I know it’s useless; he has me blocked. I don’t want to resume the affair, I know that can never happen and shouldn’t. I wouldn’t go back….I’m just wishing I didn’t feel so empty. I’m not depressed I’m just empty. I want to know it was real. I want some closure…but there isn’t any. If he doesn’t respond, I will go on my trip and see some new and beautiful things and hope to restore my soul. I will keep moving forward. Hugs to all my ladies.

  483. I believe very much that fear keeps these unhappy men stuck. It took time for me to realize even though he expressed how unhappy he claims to be in his marriage , it’s not enough to leave. It’s not that simple to walk away from everything. But that’s not my problem. I am the one free to find true happiness. Even if it means being by myself and loving myself and living life on my terms without emotional drama.

  484. Hi Nomad. I know the feeling of the anxiety and sleeplessness. It was brutal. I think I ran on adrenaline for weeks. My mm never reached out to me once to see if I was ok. I finally came to the conclusion that fear is a huge motivator. He did not want to lose half of his money or his stuff so he cut me loose. Don’t sell yourself short. Your mm saw in you things his “sporty” wife did not possess. Men who are happy in their relationships do not go looking for something else. I liked the feeling of falling in love too but I realize now it was all a fantasy. I didn’t see who he really was. And a relationship isn’t someone giving you crumbs of their time. I never thought I would make it to 4 months but here I am. Life’s better now. I have the strength to go out and do me. You will get there too. I have intentionally gone looking for things to do to keep me busy and to not think of him. Be gentle with yourself and love yourself and you will find the strength to make it through and when he comes back to your company you will not fall into the abyss of the affair. It’s a dead end and it’s filled with tears and sorrow. Remember you are worth having your own man who will be there when you need or want him. He will answer your calls or texts any time night or day and he will never put you second to anyone. Hugs and good vibes 😊

  485. Hi Nomad . I was 38 yrs old when I meant my Ex Mm and thin now I’m 48 and a size 14 I gained 20 pounds slowly . I often wonder did he leave me because I’m older now ? I do still look good but I think he wants spontaneous and younger I’m not 20 or 30 anymore but I do know ain’t messing around with any old body . I think we you finally see him you happy but leave with knowing that he is the source of your heartache and pain and decide not to go back to him . It really hurt but you will get through this we gotta let ourselves feel the pain to feel get through this . Stay strong !

  486. Nomad,
    Don’t sell yourself short. 43 isn’t old at all. I think we are as young as we feel and the problem is that these affairs ha e taken a heavy toll on us. Another reason to practice the self care and love. I’m sure your mm saw something very desirable in you and other men will as well. Hugs!!!

  487. I agree it’s the only way to stop the emotional roller coaster madness. I am strong to not initiate contact. It’s when mm contacts me I have fallen to responding. I am relieved when I don’t hear from him. Then, I am not tempted to respond!

  488. I agree it’s the only way to stop the emotional roller coaster madness. I am strong to not initiate contact. It’s when mm contacts me I have fallen to responding. I am relieved when I don’t hear from him. Then, I am not tempted to respond!

  489. Hi Anna,
    I asked Leigh Anne the same question whether we’ve really reached the end of the affair or we thought we are but it is because mm did not reach out because they are busy and they need to focus on their family. We are the side dish.

    Life goes on. Boring and mundane but at least I stopped crying and I could sleep. For months when he started to withdraw, I was desperately praying to let me sleep. I took sleeping pills but I was too overwhelmed with anxiety and didn’t wink until the sun rose. It was the darkest days of my life.

    Now I am trying to continue living as if he’s gone forever. But I do know soon, he’ll be assigned back to my company to work on my projects. Many times I’ve imagined what it would be like seeing him again after more than 90days. I realize I’ve nothing new to say, the damages are still raw, he just left me to deal with my insecurity, anxiety, anger and sadness myself, hoping my issues would magically resolved and then he might appear when he is bored, deprived of sex or needs an ego boost. But after going through 90days of nc the second time (1st was sep to nov), I think he’s done and he has gradually resolved to be kind to me (he knows it had been hard for me and I lost myself), he rather not to pay such a high price for moments of lust, and you just pointed out that he wouldn’t want his daughters to (11 & 7) to suffer the same fate as OW. I’m 46 & he’s 43. Another silly reasons that I can’t see him is because I’ve aged physically, putting on weight, losing the physical appeal, I can see my eyelids sagging and my body/skin sagging and… soon menopause will hit me. He runs marathon and he ever mentioned that he first met his W at a watersport event whereas I’m not sporty. I enjoy food and desserts. I wonder why there’s still mm out there who started affair with older women instead of hot, young and sexy chicks.

    I still miss the affair, missing having someone to fall in love with.. but I’ve no choice, I can’t lose myself and waste the next 5years. I’m still experiencing the heartache whenever I think about him forsaken me and finally gone this time. Not as excruciating as before but I’m not the same anymore after tasted the forbidden f