How to Get Over Your Affair With a Married Man


You’re unhappy about having an affair with a married man, but you don’t know how to get over him. Here, you’ll find tips for breaking off a relationship with a man who is married. May you find freedom, peace, love and joy in your life – and may you hold on to your vision of a beautiful future with a man who is dedicated to you.

“I have to keep reminding myself of how many lies I have told over the years,” says Anonymous on How to Break Up With a Married Man – and Heal Your Heart. “I have been lying to everyone who is most important to me for 5 years. I’ve been sneaking around with this married man, ignoring my own husband who loves me more then anyone in this world. I have taken my husband for granted and I am finally realizing that. I find myself wanting to talk to my husband more and be excited about becoming parents (I’m five months pregnant). I decided to end my affair with the married man and still feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I know I’ll have some good moments and bad moments, but hopefully as time passes I’ll have more good. I really do want to end this affair because it makes me sick that I was involved with a married man for so long. I’m just looking for the strength to get through the next few hours, days, and weeks until I stop thinking about him.”

You’re not alone if you’re searching for suggestions on how to break up with a married man. I’ve written several articles about infidelity, and the one that’s most searched for is my blog post on getting over an affair. This surprised me, actually. I was aware that many men cheat on their wives, but I hadn’t thought about who they were cheating with. The comments section on my article about breaking up with a married man has given me a whole new perspective on marital affairs.





Here’s a list of reasons you shouldn’t date other womens’ husbands, plus several tips on how to get over a married man and heal the pain of heartbreak. Having an affair with a married man can rip your heart in pieces…but the good news is that you’re on the right track! You’ve begun the process of healing, simply by searching for ways to get over a married man.

Reasons to Let Go of Him

How to Get Over a Married Man

How to Get Over a Married Man

I suspect you already have your own reasons not to date married men – and your reasons may be below.

But, this list may give you the extra push you need to get serious about the healing process.

  • Adultery is destructive, immoral, and painful
  • A married man won’t commit to a future with you
  • You can’t trust a married man who cheats on his wife
  • You can’t talk about dating married men with your friends and family, so you won’t get much support
  • A married man doesn’t respect the woman he’s cheating with
  • You’ll waste your life waiting for him to make a decision – and the chances he’ll decide to commit to you are slim
  • A married man is living with guilt and shame, which will eventually affect your relationship
  • Good, kind, loving men don’t cheat on their wives
  • Cheating damages families and destroys lives

This last tip would drive me to quickly learn how to get over a married man! Guys who cheat don’t respect or love the women they’re cheating with. No matter what they say, they don’t really respect women who let themselves be used.

If you want to break up with him but feel like you can’t, read How to Get Through a Breakup When You’re Still in Love.

How to Get Over a Married Man

I’ve written lots of articles with practical tips on breaking up and healing after heartbreak. In this article, I want to focus on the power of love to help you move forward in your life. This may seem ironic because you think you’re losing love…but actually, the end of this affair can actually be the start of a whole new life of freedom, peace, and joy for you!

Focus on finding freedom to end this relationship

May you break free from the chains that hold you in this relationship – a relationship you know is unhealthy and destructive for you and others. May you find freedom, peace, and joy in your life. I pray for courage and strength, and for wisdom to learn how to get over a married man without feeling compelled to return to your old way of living. I pray that you take time to bow your head and lift your heart to God.



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Instead of allowing your heart and emotions to dictate your choices, decide to end this affair. Yes, it’ll hurt. Yes, you’ll think about him all the time. But you can be free from the compulsion to see this married man. May you find yourself quickly and free from the bondage of this affair. End your suffering, move forward in freshness and light.

Look at the obstacles in your way

What is holding you back from getting over a married man? Maybe you’ve invested time, emotional energy, or even money in the affair. Maybe you hope he’ll leave his wife and marry you. Maybe breaking up with him is an admission of guilt, and you can’t forgive yourself for the affair.

Maybe you love him.

Being clear on your reasons for having the affair – and breaking it off – will help you find freedom. Why are you searching for tips on how to get over a married man? Start digging around in your heart and soul, and figure out why you started the affair and what’s holding you back from a healthy relationship.

Decide that this affair is over. Period.

How to Get Over Your Affair With a Married ManHere’s my favorite comment from a reader on my other article about getting over a married man:

You have to make up your mind to break up with your married man…It’s hard for me to believe that there are other men who are willing to love me even more but there are. If you do not let go of what’s bad for you, then you’re not making yourself available for a good man. I’d rather be in a relationship with someone I like than in a relationship with a married man I love who can’t make me his priority. THIS ISN’T HAPPINESS. We deserve more. And it starts within ourselves. His wife doesn’t deserve this, either.

Start recreating your life

Part of learning how to break up with a married man is to create your life in a way that incorporates new perspectives, new attitudes, new priorities, and new values. One of your new attitudes has to be acceptance – because you know that resisting this change will stop you from learning how to live happily without the man you love.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • What do I need to let go of in my life that is no longer alive?
  • What is sacred to me?
  • Who or what do I love?
  • What have I sacrificed in order to love this married man and have an affair?
  • What is calling to me now in my life?
  • How can I start living the life I really want?
  • What changes do I need to make so I can live without him?

Take one question at a time and sit quietly with it. Write about it in your journal or the comments sections below. Turn it over in your mind. Don’t overanalyze or overthink your answers. Don’t pressure yourself to come up with an answer. Be willing not to know how you will live without him. What is important is that the questioning gets energy moving deep in your emotions and spirit. From here, change will naturally unfold in your life.

What is one thing you can do today to take care of yourself, and help your heart heal?

Learn how to let go and emotionally detach from him

Breaking up and letting go takes time, but it will happen. You have more power than you think – and you deserve better. You deserve a man who will love and cherish you, wholly and completely.

Letting Go of a Relationship You Want to KeepIn How to Let Go of Someone You Love I share stories about letting go from me and a few “She Blossoms” readers. Our experiences with love and loss will comfort and encourage you.

I share 25 Blossom Tips, each paired with a practical “how to.” Every tip highlights a different part of who you are—spirit, heart, soul, body, and brain. This holistic approach will help you move forward in different ways, according to your personality, mood, energy level and lifestyle.

My life with a schizophrenic mother, absent father, foster homes, attempted rape, infertility, and three years in Africa taught me that choosing to grow forward is essential for healing.

May your heart and soul heal from the pain this relationship caused, and the grief of the breakup. May your heart turn towards the love and peace only God can bring.

If you want to share your story about loving a married man, please write below. I can’t offer advice, but you might find it helpful to share your experience. Writing slows us down and helps us untangle our emotions. It helps us refocus our thoughts and heal from destructive patterns in our lives.







Laurie's "She Blossoms" Books

growing forward book laurie pawlik she blossoms
Growing Forward When You Can't Go Back offers hope, encouragement, and strength for women walking through loss. My Blossom Tips are fresh and practical - they stem from my own experiences with a schizophrenic mother, foster homes, a devastating family estrangement, and infertility.








letting go book laurie pawlik she blossoms

How to Let Go of Someone You Love: Powerful Secrets (and Practical Tips!) for Healing Your Heart is filled with comforting and healthy breakup advice. The Blossom Tips will help you loosen unhealthy attachments to the past, seal your heart with peace, and move forward with joy.









miss him book laurie pawlik she blossoms
When You Miss Him Like Crazy: 25 Lessons to Move You From Broken to Blossoming After a Breakup will help you refocus your life, re-create yourself, and start living fully again! Your spirit will rise and you'll blossom into who you were created to be.







xo


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519 thoughts on “How to Get Over Your Affair With a Married Man

  • Conflicted

    I am currently trying to find the strength to walk away from my MM.
    He lives in the house right across from me. He is here during the week for work and leaves on the weekend back to his family. I have blocked his number several times, told him to just leave me alone, and actually hid from him. But on those nights where I am lonely and in need of companionship, he is so easily accessible. I am a single mom to a 2 year old boy. I pray often for God to take this desire away from me. Although I think the desire in itself is not bad.( for companionship and love) I was going to end things yesterday and he brings me flowers, gifts, and a t’shirt to wear when he is away. If he didn’t live right across the street from me it would be so much easier. Temptation is always awaiting the day i feel weak. He is always there, watching me from across the street. Telling me how beautiful I am. The comfort of having a relationship without the actual commitment of a relationship is what has me drawn to him. I know it is wrong and I battle in my head every single day. I am not this person. But the sting of loneliness often wins my head over when he comes with his kind words and warm hugs. I used to have such a beautiful relationship with my Creator, God. Now I am always hiding from Him and isolating myself from people because of my guilt. You would think that would be enough to walk away. But the intoxication of a man holding me and telling me what I want to hear is so strong and hard to get away from. It feels like home. But I know that it is fake. One day I pray I am strong enough to walk away and stay away.

  • K

    I am desperately trying to end things with my MM. he lives across the street from me. He lives in town M-F for work and then goes home on the weekends. I do good and block his number but some nights are hard and I get weak and he is there to comfort me… always watching me from across the street… I am a single mother who longs for companionship. Never would I ever of wanted to date a married man . I hate myself but I’m addicted to his touch and his kindness. I pray that God takes the desire from me . This isn’t who I want to be and I know I deserve more but the convience of him living across the street makes it hard to completely cut off all contact.

    I am grateful for this thread. I long for the day I am strong enough to let go and stay gone

  • Hayley

    All it takes is a mind shift.. if someone had told me a few weeks back I would be feeling so much better having no contact I would never have believed them. I felt stuck in that situation in my own head.
    And all it took was him to sit there and tell me he loved his wife after 14 years on and off making out he wasn’t happy! I remember the day he reappeared I was fuming as I hadn’t thought about him in a long time. Of course it didn’t take him long to break me down and I fell for it.. if only he had been honest and told me he loved her from the start!!!
    Since the day he shared this information i just knew…it was a huge game changer for me so I blocked him everywhere.. he can’t find me now, he can’t have his fix of me, he made his choice and that’s fine with me now. I look in the mirror, I like what I see, I feel free again, I feel more relaxed without him, I’m doing me now and it’s no longer about him!
    That feeling of not being chosen, not being good enough.. nope!! That feeling is gone and it’s so nice!
    I binge on Netflix, I take long baths, I see my friends, I go the gym, walk my dog and I’m enjoying my life again.. no more tears!
    Ladies.. this situation is exhausting. Mentally exhausting so change things.. flip that switch in your mind, it can be done and it’s so refreshing.
    As for him.. I couldn’t care less about his crappy marriage (which it is… 14 years of crappy marriage) goodluck to him and goodluck to them they will need it.
    i think he suddenly became happily married because he had me there in the background (his biggest fan) .. they say we actually help these marriages to survive!! So let’s see how long until he’s unhappy again now that I’m gone.
    Don’t make it about these men anymore!! They truly aren’t worth it and time away makes you realise it.
    And if he ever comes knocking again he will be welcomed with a bolted door in his face. I don’t care to ever see or speak to the insecure assclown again..no man is worth this pain.. no man!!
    Stay strong ladies you can escape it. Trust me.

    • Julie

      Hayley – I can imagine how mentally freeing it must be not to have that anxiety! I hope I reached that point sooner than later. How long it’s been for you since he’s out?

      • Hayley

        Julie – I’ve been doing the slow fade for months I would block unblock he would break contact or I would and so on.. you know the drill.
        It was only a few weeks ago this final meeting (he didn’t know it was final) but when he said those words to me ‘I love her’ after trying to kiss me!! I remember I sat there looking at him thinking ‘who the hell are you to make me feel like this about myself, who are you’ and something just clicked. I didn’t even cry when I drove away and I haven’t since. This is huge progress.
        This time I’m not counting the days of no contact.. I refuse to think about him every minute of the day.. I’m learning to keep those emotions in check by telling them who’s boss and it’s working. I actually do not wish to ever speak to him again and he will be staying blocked forever. I’ve also left social media for a while to stop me stalking his wife.. (yes I admit this was a real problem for me!) and I’m not even missing social media at the moment.. I’ll go back on after Christmas but not to stalk, nope never ever again! it’s nice and my mind is starting to relax.
        I keep coming to this forum to keep my strength up but I’m doing so much better than I thought.
        Us ladies get to a point and when we reach ‘that point’ then we are done! It takes a while to get there but it will come trust me. Last year I thought this was my soul mate, I loved him so much blar blar blar now I sit here wondering if I ever loved him at all.. I’m relieved he’s gone so what does that say!
        I also realise that even if we were the most stunning amazing women in the world it wouldn’t make any difference what’s so ever.. they will never ever leave.. very few do and always at the very beginning of an affair not 14 years down the line!!!
        So now I let him live happily ever after without me around.. that’s his loss, silly man!
        You can do this ladies.. don’t allow them this power.. block him delete everything throw a little funeral for your assclown then wish him luck (in your mind not in person) then go and be fabulous you. Be kind to yourself always, it works.
        We really don’t need them I promise. I pity these sad unhappy men who have no back bone to change their lives and will live like that for the rest of their lives.. it’s tragic !! Xx

        • Julie

          Hayley – I felt as angry and fed up as you the first month after he left me. I didn’t cry Iike every other time. I will was just so angry and pissed off at his nerve to discard me with no respect for the time we’ve had together. Just walk out when he pleases and return when he does. Anyway that was the first four weeks. Now, week six and I miss him again. I’ve deleted his number, deleted IG and don’t have him on FB. But he’s on twitter and I do check on him there. I deleted twitter but use it for work so reinstalled. I don’t have the courage yet to unfollow him. I’m thinking I’ll just be strong and not let it affect me too much. My point was that I wish that anger I felt the first month lasted so I don’t feel this sadness now because the past couple of days I truly miss him. Sleep affected and all.

    • Findingmyway

      Hayley this is the best post ever! You are so inspiring. There is something so therpeutic in distance. You start to really see that person for who they really are which is often not who we thought. And you realize, that while there are some good and bad moments, you really are ok. And this will just continue in the days and months to come. You will become more and more ok. Even happy. You are now free from what was really a miserable relationship. The assclown (perfect name for him!) doesn’t have as much of a hold over you as you thought. Once you decided it was done you did it! You are in control of making yourself happy. I’m just incredibly proud of you and inspired by you!

      • Hayley

        Finding my way – I’m proud of all of these ladies on here for speaking out. We aren’t bad people, none of us as kids imagined we would ever love a married man & get ourselves in these awful situations.
        Someone recently told me we are the CEO of ourselves & our emotions are our employees & if we allow these employees to take over then our business will fail.. you have to tell these emotions off & keep them in line. It sounds so daft but this really really works for me.
        We were our own person before these men arrived.. we need to remember who we were and get them back again. Stop allowing them this power over us.
        Free your mind, when you feel sad calm your mind & work through it. They really are useless worthless idiots deep down but we put them on a pedestal for some reason. Time to knock them off it. This isn’t love.
        They are missing out on us full time.. so who are the losers?
        Please break free.. you can do it. Block block block and don’t ever look back. I swear I will punch him if he ever returns a 5000000th time!! Im so done with his toxic rubbish! Big hugs to you. Stay strong x

    • Xxx

      Hayley, i couldnt agree more! 😊 I soooo regret for making that mistake in my life even if only for less than a year. I hope all these ladies stop being so blindly in love and see the world for what it really is. I am so happy he is not part of my thoughts even (except for the regret of putting myself so low and unintentionally being a nightmare of someone’s wife). But it has been a great lesson i suppose. I even dont visit this site as much since i dont think of him anymore. Keep strong ladies, you dont need this in your life.

    • Tricia

      Hayley. I’m so glad U are in a good place ! I hope to be there to soon it’s a process thou .Julie I wish U all the best hang In there girl !!

    • Farrah

      Hi Hayley! Absolutely true. I’m loving your vibes as I read your post. It’s so empowering. I also like to believe that we are helping their marriages to survive. But after all, it’s their choice if they will start to fix their marriage or not. We don’t care and we wont care anymore. I also have that feeling of being FREE again, it is more than amazing.

      I just love reading each and everyone’s story here. We can make it ladies. Sending good vibes to all! 🙂

  • ML

    Hello Ladies,
    I’m so glad to have stumbled on this thread. You see, I thought I was alone until now. I broke up with MM in May. We have been having the affair for about 2 years almost. It has been a roller coaster of emotions as I am also married. I don’t have kids but he does. He is on his 3rd marriage… I thought there was a future for us. He is a brilliant man, very down to earth and a kind soul. Like me, he had gone through adversity and made his way to the top of his profession. Amidst all the good qualities is a very confused and egotistical man. He has made me expect and get disappointed several times throughout the affair. Each time, I let him crawl his way back. Finally, I figured I’d have enough last May. Radio silence. Then in Aug he reached out through email. I never replied. Few days ago he emailed me again. I have no urge to reply but I just wanted to tell him to leave me alone!! He chose to get back and work it out with his wife so why is he reaching out again??? (found a pic of them in facebook) I have respected him enough to not contact him since May.
    I am being strong because I believe I deserve better. I deserve respect. I need to forgive myself and continue to work out things with my loving husband. If it doesn’t, then It’s fine as long as I don’t ever go back to being involved in an affair. I regret getting entangled in this mess.

    Be strong and we can do this! Keep moving forward!

    • Julie

      ML – thank you for sharing. you are strong. I hope when my MM reaches out again I will also not fall for it and respond. I’ve gone through this on again off again thing for so long that I’m now just tired of the effort it takes. I am definitely more at peace in my mind but if he sends an email or two it just may be the end of all my hard work to get out of the trap. Hope these cowards leave us alone for good!

  • Tricia

    How do U sat Good Bye to a man who was never yours ? How do U shut off your feeling for a man who so easily disconnected from U ? How do U stop wanting to see him and hear his voice ? Ladies do U ever think your M,M just busy or just started a new affair ? How can U look at him in a public setting and not feel like U want to run to him or fuss at him for disregard your feelings ? How can a man be with a woman for years on and off and he just walk away like U don’t exist anymore even thou he married are there no genuine feelings for us ? My affair with my M.M is slowly coming to a end and I know I should be Happy but I feel so empty inside and hurt . I still have to see him because I live in one of the properties he manage and I can’t afford to move right now. I know I got stay strong but I miss him .

  • Julie

    I’m struggling to move on after 8 years of on again off again relationship with the MM. It’s been a long distance one w daily hourly communication that’s made me very attached n dependent on himself . I’m married w a teen boy n stuck with a husband I have no romantic feelings for. He’s married w 7 kids. He’s hurt me repeatedly. I’ve been living with daily anxiety for 8 years. Anxiety paranoia jealousy and so on. He swore on anything under the sun that he wasn’t sleeping with his wife. He said he was planning the responsible way to exit his terrible marriage. to still be a great dad to his kids. And in middle of this “planning” his wife becomes pregnant w 7th child. On top of lying about that, I also found love letter to his secretary, sexting on FB w some stranger, flirting online w lady friends, blocking people from phone right before we are to meet. He always had an explanation. He was good too. He was sweet and thoughtful and caring. Sounds like an oxymoron now but I did feel loved. I still see him as a good man. I don’t know why I do. He’s done so many wrongs. Every morning for five years he sang to me, he spent holidays and birthdays with me, he stayed connected on daily basis, said all the right things…but every time things got difficult he walked out. He left me high and dry so many times. And every time he came back apologizing and willing to do anything to make things right. Towards the end we both had accepted there was no future for us being together. I had to just be happy with what we got from the secret affair. But I could not control my emotions, I wanted more even though I knew it couldn’t be, I couldn’t accept sharing him even though I damn tried for 8 years. Suppressing feelings. Living in complete anxiety. He didn’t want to give up his status his reputation or hurt his kids. I get it. I got it the first time he left. But re-entering my life again and again, making promises and swearing to only loving me was all playing with my head. Things ended when he walked out and walked away at an airport five weeks ago. Had full opportunity to communicate directly. Yet he left me stranded and then sent me a text message ending things “for ever”. That forever was 5 weeks ago and now he’s once again liking photos and posts on my twitter account. He’s fishing again.

    I need to move on. Reading your stories here gave me the courage to delete his numbers from my phone right now. Thank you. I want to stop checking his status. I want to stop thinking about him altogether.

    I desperately want to end it. The past five weeks I have not contacted him nor have I had any great urge to do so. I will never contact him. But I also dont want to be weak again when he does contact me, and he will do so. I don’t know when but he always comes back. I don’t want to be the weak one again and get trapped.

    I feel traumatized by the affair of my husband by the bread crumbs of the MM by all of what I’ve been through the past 15 years. I need help. I am a mess.

    I’m a strong person yet I feel so weak.

    • Tricia

      Julie U been through so much and yes having someone to talk to a therapist would be good for U.My M,M never express his feelings for me In 7 yrs ! But I know the truth through his actions and I think my M,M is a wonderful person too but just not for me. These men are just looking for an Ego Boost or Sex or Attention . They will never leave their wife regardless of what they say and how the home life is. I’m in the process of letting go of a man and relationship that never was reality . I will never allow myself again to be Used and Forgot like old Ass Trash ! I’m worth more then that ! We All Are !! God Will see U through the pain lean on him Especially at your Darkest times.

      • Julie

        Thanks Tricia. Your response truly helps. In my head I do see him leaving me – for the fifth or sixth time – as the best gift he can give me. The opportunity to move on once and for all. But some days it’s just so hard to accept the big hole his leaving has left in my life. The more time passes the harder it seems to get. Maybe because it’s sinking in that things are over. I’m not overly emotional or depressed or angry but I’m so very genuinely sad and miss his presence in my life. I’m not happy in my own marriage so that makes things worse. It feels like he’s gone on to life a happy ever after life with his family and I’m left in an unfulfilled marriage.

  • Brenda

    I’ve been married for 16 years the man I had an affair with has been married 5 and our relationship lasted 2 years it’s been a horrible experience a sad one for sure…. I decided that it was enough and broke it off, because it was going no where and I was just so physically sick…Our spouses found out his wife tried to commit suicide by taking pills go figure! , my husband who I have hurt countless times over this man is still trying to work things out with me. Mind you I filed for divorce twice within a two year frame and this other man not once!! How was I so naive and just stupid blind I will never understand, my husband and I have 4 children which are in therapy because now because they were affected by all the drama that unfolded. The man I cheated with would come visit maybe 3 times a year if that and we would talk and video chat on a daily basis. It’s so hard to not have that anymore, it’s been 3 weeks since I broke it off and I’m just so devasted and depressed but I know it’s what’s best for my family and I to stay away from him. I’m so thankful I came across this platform because people can be so judgemental and I have to hush and keep quiet, seems alot worse to keep it all inside I’m so tired. I pray we all heal from our experiences and never go back to that dark place. Xoxo

    • julie

      Brenda, it must have taken so much courage to break it off. You’ve been through a lot. I can only imagine the mental strength dealing with all this needs. He is a coward. They all are. One thing that’s been confirmed to me repeatedly is how their every decision is based on what’s in their best interest. Never in 8 years did my MM do something because of my feelings or my needs. Even the sweetness he would show would be because he wanted to, he was feeling romantic, not because it would make me happy. Wheresas we constantly think of what makes them happy.
      Well in your case you have lost so much that I hope you will soon see how toxic he is in your life. What value added is he for you. He’s not only forced you to negatively affect your kids but also stops you from working on your marriage to see its future. You are two years into it and it all sounds so familiar to me. Two years into my 8 year affair I also had a sliver of hope. But slowly over time the promises faded from actual actions towards leaving his marriage to outright refusal to do so. After 6 years he made it clear directly that he wasn’t going to leave. He couldn’t because of his kids his reputation society etc). So what I’m saying is they put themselves first. Their needs. And needs of their families come first. No matter what we do or say or how good we are etc. it has nothing to do with us. You know you’ve given him your best. Now take charge and clear your mind body and soul of him. With a clear mind you will know what to do with your marriage. I’m in the same limbo in mine and the MM has definitely hindered my progress on decision to stay or leave. I’m saying all this to you but it also all applies to me! Let’s stay strong so we don’t have to repeat another cycle of this. Xoxo

  • Pancake

    What’s wrong with me. I’ve been talking on and off with my mm. I haven’t seen him since April. When we talk it’s all about work and family – just catching up. I know I’m going to have to go no contact, but I’m not there yet. I may or may not here from him again, but I feel he will contact me sooner or later. I will try my best not to be the one who contacts him. I wish I didn’t have feelings for him. This is so hard for me. I feel so unsettled inside! I’m so grateful I can share this with you all.

    • Brenda

      It’s honestly one of the most hurtful experiences for sure and I know we hear this all the time, but we must keep ourselves busy to the point where we’re like oh!!! he hasn’t crossed my mind… I know I know it’s easier said than done. Just know you are not alone and you have every single one of us here Xoxo

  • Hayley

    Being held to ransom over a suitcase lol. Seriously.. go leave it on his doorstep or drop it outside his workplace and let him know where you’ve left it. But first use the suitcase to take yourself on a well deserved holiday.
    Please dont keep it as an excuse to continue this toxic relationship. No contact all the way.. it’s hard but it works and I’m feeling soooo much better so trust me.
    Get rid of the suitcase and the MM once and for all.
    The suitcase is a control prop, take that control away from him.

  • anonynmous38

    Im so ready to let go of my MM…but I have his suitcase, this still connects me to him…Mind you he lives only 3 minutes away from me…and he refuses to pick it up…I kid you not…its always an excuse…ALWAYS!!! Im so tired of it….I have not thrown it out yet because he says it was gift and he needs it…I’VE HAD THE SUITCASE FOR A YEAR AND HALF…SMH!!! If its so important to him and he needs it for travel why not just pick it up so I can be done with you…

    • Tricia

      Anonymous 38. My MM is the manager of my building so U know he got my keys to my place I wouldn’t feel comfortable having a man here ! And I see him when I pay my rent . It’s so hard moving on when the man is so close but yet far from U or so it seem ! Stay Strong.

  • Tonya

    Amanda came today and after three months of dating p.m. I find out he has been separated from his wife for a year and a half is it in different states we continue dating build a village to ship them for years living together the fifth year of not living together trying to work things out I later find out that he had reached out to his wife and they were trying to build their marriage back in this process he never told me this I had to find out in my own while finding out and I’m being faithful and honest and trying to work things out I never felt more but to rain but I also believe in honoring

    • Hayley

      Maggie – wow!! Nine weeks… that’s brilliant.. please stay strong and please do not undo all your hard work and contact him… be proud of yourself.
      Another nine weeks.. you can do this!
      It will become easier eventually. X

    • Farrah

      Hi Maggie,
      You are a strong lady. Believe it. There will be no shortcuts in moving on and it is a long, step by step process. Acknowledge the sadness as it is part of the process of moving on. You are doing the right thing by fighting the urge of contacting him.Try not to have your phone near you it helped for me. I am also in the same page as yours but I know God is with me in this battle. This is the time where you should focus on YOU. Love yourself more, make yourself busy by hanging out with your family and friends and most of all, Pray. Ask for God’s guidance in this situation. He loves you more than you ever know. =)
      Sending good vibes and love. We will all get through this. God bless you =)

    • the one who was deeply betrayed

      HI Maggie, big hugs to you girly love! Its been almost 7 weeks for me, I also have those feelings, but he does not care enough to contact me and is focusing on his wife and finding another younger..mistress. stay strong. something better will come. Trust me i feel the same way, but if he is not reaching out to you, why reach out to him? these DUMB MM know our phone numbers, they can apologize but because they are stupid wussies they wont. big hugs * -the one who was betrayed…

    • Tricia

      Maggie I do understand I haven’t saw my MM in a month we speak if I call or text him first because I probably would never talk to him ? So I’m trying to just stop contact and let him goI’m so lonely and sad but my heart wants him even thou I know the truth and it’s not good or Healthy for me to carry on like this. Maggie this to shall pass it’s just a long process and a lonely journey of self discovery of who we are and knowing our worth and Value as women ! We will over come these men !

  • Xxx

    I’ve just come across this article: https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/things-about-other-woman/1311226
    I found myself in many parts, i guess is same for all of us. I think about the wives too. They humiliate themselves contacting us and threatening not knowing we are the minor problem there. At least we escaped this man and will heal at some point, there is no child to remind us on him, hopefully. How i used to envy the wife. How i feel pity for her now. She has to shut all her amibitions down for checking constantly on this man and spending sleepless nights. How lucky are us who got away, i just realise it now. Love is definitely blind and it is so good to be able to see clearly again. I’d like too to share this poem with you: https://youtu.be/qviM_GnJbOM
    It reminds me on how how strong we are for walking through hell and still surviving it. I am grateful to all of you for supporting each others, this site has been a great place to vent and the lady who created it has done a great job.

  • Xxx

    Hi ladies, I am a bit down. I am pretty well in all the other spheres of my life and I don’t have those feelings for him anymore, i guess the hurt was too much and now is all about letting go. But the thing is i am a bit of a dreamy person and i always end up justifying him, and always the good memories float on the surface in the end since he was my first and biggest love for some reason. He sold me down the river and when i look back was extremely selfish throughout the affair. Was telling me fairy tails on ocassions and soon after being a jerk, repeatedly. His story now after the wife found out that “i am the bitch texting her husband” is he doesnt want to hurt me anymore. The translation for that is he just doesn’t give a damn but wants to sound polite. And my silly brain wants to have fond memories of him. So what i realised is that letting go is harder than silencing your feelings. I hold on something that does not exist and on a person who i dont recognize anymore and who obviously doesn’t bother losing me. I am really happy I’ve got the control over my life back but there is always this sort of a defeat that sticks to me and a wish that did not come true. So I constantly fight with myself to justify him, hate what he did and forgive him. To forgive someone who does not care about your forgiveness is indeed the hardest thing. So I’m trying to reach the place where i will feel indifferent about him, not love him nor hate him, but to be able to fully enjoy myself without remembering that i have those scars.

    • Tricia

      Xxx. I read your storie U are a smart young woman full of confidence ! And I do believe U will come out of your affair with this man much stronger and wiser. I know it’s hard because I too been trying to let but it’s hard and he always seem to come back and I’m weak to him it’s been 7 yrs of back and forth and loneliness. But we first got to forgive ourself before we can forgive them affair never end well look how we got them ? Most of them lie to keep us around I always believe that regardless of what they say they love their wives and have some level of respect for her and in the end will always choose their wives regardless of what we think. We just a fantasy to them not their reality and we try to step out the shadows and demand stuff it’s over . But I’m leave u with your own words U stay Fly and lovely the best version of yourself !!!! And don’t blame yourself for his action take away all your good memories from this ! I wish u the Best Baby Girl !!!

    • Findingmyway

      Xxx- have you considered talking with someone like a counselor? I don’t mean that offensively. I’m considering it myself. What strikes me about your post is that you are so hard on yourself. You are not loving and valuing yourself. Your are taking what has been essentially emotionally abusive behavior from this man through what he has ended up doing to you once he was caught. You know your are stuck and struggling. It’s hard because, the older I get the more I’ve realized that people are not all good and they are not all bad. So you remember the good about him. But what we forget to do is to weight the good and bad behaviors. And if we did we would realize the bad behaviors weighted so heavily that they outweighed the good. Their bad behaviors devastated our lives. It’s ok to acknowledge there were good things. You wouldn’t have loved him if there weren’t. But you can’t let those feelings lessen the reality of what he did to you. I’m glad that things are well in others parts of your life. Invest your energy in those good things. You will get through this. You sound like a caring and loving person. That is why you focus on the good. While that is causing you to struggle in the ending of your relationship with him they a very good qualities to have and your next love will hopefully be worthy of them.

    • the one who was betrayed,

      Hi Xxx, big hugs to you sweetie, I am so sorry for what you are going through and how you are feeling. I also am in similar situation, was abandoned and betrayed by my MM of 12 years, his wife also called me the bitch that was texting her husband. I am so sorry, sending you big hugs, its been already 5 weeks for me being alone and him leaving me, I am a rollercoaster of emotions, I also have fond memories of him when I am upset. I hope time heals us. I want you to stay strong you are a beautiful woman. I pray we all can find a man who truly LOVES us and will want to spend the rest of our lives together. I wish these jerk MM would at least give us closure and tie up the loose ends they created, but we arent worth it for them. Their wives are their world. let them enjoy those cheating bastard liars. big hugs love. We have similar scars on our hearts 🙁 I am always curious if my ex MM thinks of me and how he cannot even take a MINUT A GOSH DAMN MINUTE TO AT LEAST APOLOGIZE. nope. he wont ever lol. he can ROT lol

    • Xxx

      Thanks a lot ladies for you comments. I guess I was not indeed valuing myself enough otherwise I would not get myself involved in this situation and forgive for all the things i went through with him even before the wife contacted me. I somehow thought i should fight for that love, how foolish! There was a slight twist in the past few days, he actually told me he was with another girl not long after me, called me a liar, a girl who sleeps easily with men and disrespected me. All that from the man who was a part of my life every single day. This will help me to heal more than anything else and to indeed weigh both good and bad in future and not mark everyone as good. My feelings of love have turned into everything but love, i mostly now reflect on myself and I guess it will take long before i completely heal from this narcisstic man whose only aim was to sink me down so he could justify his own behavior. I just wish he is the one who cannot sleep at night and not me, but the bastard is probably not having those troubles.

  • Help

    I’m probably just wasting space right now bc I honestly don’t even know where to begin… all I know is I can’t take it any longer but I can’t let go. Every time I think I can and I try he not only comes back but just an example is the last time he told her, the kids, friends etc… he was going to be with me, moving in with me… packed and said everything I wanted to hear. I was still hurt and angry, he showed up, we fought bc I was scared and hurt, he spent three days making me believe him and I finally did, the next day he changed his mind again. He said his daughter called and said he was abandoning them, she would never visit him…. and everything that goes along with that, verbatim of what she (wife) had been saying to him the last four days. But daughter said it was her own thoughts and feelings. This woman has told their kids he was abusive, that he has stolen money from them (she doesn’t work and he works in a different state and has for 8 years to provide a lavish lifestyle for her and to give his kids what he never had growing up) he doesn’t buy me things, pay my bills, or even spend money on himself… she’s told his only daughter that he calls “baby girl” that he is abandoning her and he loves my “baby girls” now. I let go of the anger, the regret, the negativity that has been holding me back in my own life… he came to say goodbye and it ended up being a perfect day for all of us, me, my kids and him… now he’s saying again he wants to change his mind. I need to walk away. Nothing is going to change. Wife told him (she has ruined his life in his hometown… kids, family, friends, EVERYTHING) “you’ve seen what I can do and I’ll do it again” “I will destroy your relationship with the kids” “I can give it back and I can take it away” “I’ll never divorce you, if you divorce me I will never let you be happy”. And yet he stays… and I’m either too weak or too stupid to just walk away. Why am I so weak when I thought I was just getting my strength back from my divorce… why does this hurt more than my divorce?

    • Findingmyway

      Help- he needs to work out what he wants without you in the picture. He is dragging you through his dysfunctional life. Telling everyone he is leaving his wife for you is a terrible terrible mistake and you will always be the one everyone will blame and his daughter will hate you. He is ruining any chance of a happy life with you by doing that. He likely has serious problems in his marriage. If he is on the fence that tells you your relationship is doomed unless he deals with his martial problems without it being about you. That’s just my 2 cents. I feel for you and your children. He is NOT doing right by you, your children, his wife, or his daughter. His wife sounds volitile and he had acted in a way that just provokes her further. I have no details on how long you’ve been together or specifics of your relationship. But your post shows you are in turmoil and are believing you need to let him go. He needs to deal with his problems. Leave you and your children out of it. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I agree this is harder than a divorce- it was harder than my divorce for sure.

  • Farrah

    I just found myself reading the stories of you ladies and it is such a breather to know that I am not the only one feeling this kind of hell with m.m. I somehow feel the support from you sweeties. Those words of encouragements have strike unto me. I wish we can all be happy with the man we truly deserve someday 🙂 God Bless you all!

  • Farrah

    I really find peace reading your articles. Especially at this moment of my life wherein I am just starting letting go, moving on from a relationship. A relationship with a married man. I can totally relate to each reason you provided on why I should let him go. He was my best friend. But the relationship developed deeply since I was the one whom he shares his problems with his wife. I tried to stop the feeling and get involved with single guy but I found myself getting back to him. Maybe he provided me the love and care I am looking for at that time. His wife also found out about us and as expected, she got furious and left him. I also received all the harsh remarks from her. Her wife left bringing their daughter. I saw how sad he was due to this. I advised him to go and rearrange their relationship. But he declined. He said he just wanted to visit his daughter. I felt really ashamed and guilty. There were also months where his wife would get back to their home and later leaves again because she can feel that they are not the same married couple they were before. I felt so guilty, ashamed and terrible for myself. To think I have
    agreed with this situation for 2 years. When I decided to cut everything with him, the man who used to be my bestfriend, my love, became a monster. He just wont let me be free. And it sucks. Few months ago, his wife returned to their home again up until now. He was saying a lot of bad things to me for not sticking to our promise that we will still be together whatever may happen. 2 weeks ago, I made one of the hardest decision I could ever make. TO LET HIM GO. I blocked him off my contacts and we are still not talking to each other. I’m still in pain, yes. I’m still crying every night, a lot. But everyday without him I know is a little step for me towards becoming free and strong woman again. I don’t want to return in that kind of situation again. The feeling of losing all your values and self respect was so destructing and even the feeling of damaging a family and being called a mistress. I’m thankful I have gotten myself into reading this article. Slowly, I’m picking my broken self back to whole again..

    • PeggySue

      Farrah,
      I give you a lot of credit for not being with him now. I guess the fact that you say he ‘became a monster’ is now showing you his true colors so be grateful for that. I never wanted my MM’s wife to find out because I didn’t want him by ‘default’. I know he (like most men) doesn’t want to be alone, and he probably would have gone right from his home and moved into mine *IF* she kicked him out. I doubt that even would have happened – maybe for a short time, but I can’t imagine her ever wanting to be alone herself. Anyway, keep your eyes *open* and realize the kind of man he is.
      Best of luck to you.

      • Farrah

        PeggySue,

        Thank you! I feel a strong vibes within me now. I just realized now that mm just cannot leave their legal wife, their child behind. I somehow look at it as good thing, Thinking it just came into his mind how important his family to him..

        Hope everyone of us is happy today. Sending good vibes to all! God bless! 🙂

        • PeggySue

          Farrah,
          Keep those strong vibes girl! I don’t think they realize their family is important, they realize it’s plain easier to stay married and we honestly don’t mean enough to them to leave. If they can have us on the side for a good time only, then they are fine. If not, they are fine too. When the have an opporunity, they will cheat again. That is obviously the theme here. They are all the same. Knowing that changes everything for me.

          • Farrah

            PeggySue,

            I believe in what you said. He made me feel important only if it is convenient or if he needs something. They are nothing but users. He still with his wife and child but now messaging me that he can’t live without me. Damn those kind of men.
            I feel so angry right now and just want to kick his face.

            Sending good vibes to all! Step by step we can move out in this situation.

  • Hayley

    Weak and Worn – that last sentence !!! Wow !! I think you’ve just described me and I never realised it. Thank you.
    Stay strong beautiful.

  • Hayley

    I’ve had my closure. I met him 2 nights ago briefly for half an hour where he admitted he missed his wife who was on holiday without him and told me he loved her. Over the last 10 years on and off I was always led to believe he was unhappy and now that appears to not be the case. He lied to me but I guess they all do either that or he’s deluding himself. Did he change his mind about me.. he was asking to see me. I don’t get it!!
    So I looked him straight in the eyes and told him that I’ve seriously had enough. I told him I am younger, prettier, fitter and more fun so it really is his loss and not mine.. (he agreed) and I told him I hope he doesn’t regret it later on in life he said he probably will. !!
    Was I harsh? Anyway the last thing he said as I was getting out of the car was ‘I guess time will tell’ !!??!!??!!?
    He tried to kiss me, I wouldn’t let him.
    I don’t know what that stupid comment means but I got home and blocked him everywhere I can think of.
    Today I am cleaning like a mad woman to keep myself busy fighting back the tears but my god this hurts like hell. Wish I never met him!

    • Mel

      They are all the same. They want it all, their way. Family in tact at home, comfortable frumpy wife and kids at home doing the reality of life, washing his laundry and making supper, nagging him to take out the garbage and not forget to get the milk. And a woman on the side anytime he wants, who thinks he’s awesome and can’t get enough of him and eats up any attention he gives her, and she’s hot too. No matter what they say…its too good of a deal to shake it up. He leaves the wife…he’s a bad guy and causes pain to his family and the illusion of him being a good man is destroyed. They are cowards who take the path of least resistance. We are used and left with broken hearts and feelings of unworthiness…but the truth is…once we get over the heartache, we will be better off without them. The love we gave was real, and they are unworthy. Let us be strong and love ourselves for a change. Trying to remind myself of this every hour, every day.

      • PeggySue

        Mel,
        This is exactly what keeps me in No Contact and now I pretty much hate him. They don’t leave because they have a good thing going; just as you said above. “They are cowards who take the path of least resistance” is *exactly* what they are and what they are doing.
        I feel that mine didn’t leave because it’s just easier to stay married, and we are an ‘unknown’. They already know what they have, and obviously it’s good enough. If they can have fun on the side, then they do. Mine said the relationships are really only good for about a year – so that says it all. My MM never really lied to me so I’m grateful for that, BUT I was really the foolish one thinking eventually he’d realize that he was happier with me.

        I also do not think for *one minute* that they will ever regret letting us go. That is something that we hope in order to make ourselves feel better. If it works for some, then that’s great. The only thing they care about it that it ended without them getting caught.

        I realize now that from Day 1, I was nnever going to be anything more than an affair. Well, when I ended I asked if he ever considered leaving for me, and he said NO. I asked a few times how long we were going to do ‘this’ and he always said he would stay in the affair until I got tired of it, or until he got caught. Thankfully, I got tired of being the OW.

        I mostly feel foolish and cannot believe I loved this person. I used to be envious of his wife who got to spend time with him, but now I realize I am *so* lucky that he didn’t leave. I would have spent my life trying to make him happy, and of course, there’s the fact that he is a cheater and a liar. I so *MUCH* want a relationship like we had, but I do not want him, and I never want to talk to him again. The affair fog is a strange thing, but once you are out of it and think as they do, it’s so much easier. I have nothing but contempt for him.

    • Findingmyway

      Hayley- I spent time this weekend reading through everyone’s stories here and what stuck me about yours is what an insightful, smart, compassionate, and funny person you are. You are TOO GOOD for this man. His comments are meant to string you along as he has done. I’m sure he would love to continue it because you are probably totally awesome and he knows that. But he is telling you what you need to know. He loves and misses his wife. What else do you need to know. In a way that is s blessing because many will never admit to it or say that (and many really don’t like or love their wives anymore but won’t leave for reasons such as kids, money, reputation, etc.) and we are left just totally torn and confused. You know how he feels. He likely loves you both. But he won’t leave her because he married her first. You deserve a man who is not torn and so weak and spineless. One who loves you, chooses you, is there for you, and is someone who is honest with you and you can trust. That’s not this guy. No one is lucky to be stuck with this guy. Think of what he has done to you and his wife. You and every single woman going through this deserves more.

      • Hayley

        Thank you ladies for your kind words it’s so nice to have a place to vent. So I did something really crazy this weekend, I painted my bedroom bright red ( don’t even like red and it didn’t need painting haha) but I thought I’d try something out of my comfort zone and I actually like it.
        I just wish he had told me he loved her from the start to save all this energy and heartache and I hate him for that.. really hate him.. it also cut through me like a knife. I will never understand why he bothers with me if he loves her!! What goes through their tiny brains? Yes he was honest and I suppose that’s a good thing I guess and he told me what I needed to hear but why now? Why not all those years ago !! I guess I never asked the right questions until now.
        I just hope all these men regret losing us one day. Onwards and upwards hey ladies. I can’t EVER go back now and I can’t wait for the day I wake up totally free of him in my stupid loved up brain! We can be free ladies.. we can and we must x

        • Tricia

          Hayley. U answer your own question U are a Beautiful vabraint woman who had a lot to offer what man wouldn’t want that ! I also think most of these married man love their wives or have some love and respect for them my M.M told me up front but it stop him from pursuing me and me giving in and stupidly falling in love with him but I forgave myself I’m human . Men do what they do just because they can they are flattered we want and desire them that’s the drive what makes them want to keep us around we make feel good inside we fill that void in life . But who fills that void in our life when we low ? That’s the sad part . And red is statement color look at me world I’m coming !!!

        • Findingmyway

          Hayley bold move on the red! You are changing your life, your patterns, your environment… It’s probably cathartic. I don’t know why these men do what they do either. Men do handle love, sex and emotions in a different way. They can compartmentalize everything in their lives to the point they can basically live 2 completely fifferent lives without losing sleep, no guilt. I think men seeking relationships outside their marriage are particularly good at doing that and they can’t handle conflict with their wives and family. So they cope in an unhealthy way. He may not be or was not at times happy in his marriage. I too have a hard time understanding how someone could still love someone and do this to them. But we don’t really know what his definition of love is. It’s likely more attachment and comfort. Respect is not a part of his “love” for his wife. I don’t think these men really truly know how to love anyone. They are selfish and spineless. I have more respect for men that have affairs, break it off, are completely honest with everyone, and deal with the issues in their marriage and deal with their own personal issues. Not the douchebags that continue to string their affair partner along. Affairs are a sign of something wrong. There is typically a problem in the primary relationship that is not being dealt with. Less common but also something that occurs is that it is a deep seated personality disorder that lies in the person seeking the affair (e.g. serial cheaters, nacissist). It is his problem and don’t let this define you. You, and all of us, will get through it. It is a mistake process but it will happen one day. That’s what I’m telling myself every day.

          • PeggySue

            Findingmyway

            This was so well said and is *EXACTLY* how my ex-MM is. I think your post above will be extremely helpful for those still in the affair fog, missing their MM, still thinking they are their best friend etc.

            1. “Men do handle love, sex and emotions in a different way. They can compartmentalize everything in their lives to the point they can basically live 2 completely different lives without losing sleep, no guilt” – My ex-MM actually told me he had no guilt because his wife makes him so mad.

            2. “they can’t handle conflict with their wives and family” My ex-MM hates conflict and would do whatever she said to avoid any type of argument. We all know that civilized disagreements are normal in healthy relationships. What’s not healthy is the way she yelled and screamed, belittled him etc. (but hey, that’s the life he actually wants)

            3. ” we don’t really know what his definition of love is It’s likely more attachment and comfort. Respect is not a part of his “love” for his wife. My ex-MM basically said it’s just easier to stay married and he doesn’t want to end up alone, lose all he has worked for, etc. etc.

            4. They are selfish and spineless – no comment needed!

        • Xxx

          Hayley, I love how you made yourself go out of your comfort zone! I believe he did love you or was in love, but over time that slowly vanished. I guess that marriage is something we still don’t know and people are different. I don’t know if i ever want to get married, but I would like to have the right person to whom I would wish saying “yes”. You were brave to stay for so long in that relationship, you loved a lot and it is a gift. But I truly hope we will free ourselves and receive the same kind of love we give. I must admit I did contact my mm, i wrote him a poem like i used to do before. But even when i sent it, i felt we were so much distant now. And the peace I feel now as compared to before is something that makes me silently happy. It is a bit sad for me now to let go off the idea of what we used to be and how much i loved him, to let go off the memory that he was in love too. I don’t have those strong feelings anymore and I don’t need him anymore to be confident. But when i look back, i learnt a lot from him and i will forever be grateful for that. And i know in some time i will also be grateful that it all finished, because we all grow from both happiness and scars. I’m almost entering my thirties so I hope to be much more balanced. Do you remember times with him when everything was so fine but you were still missing something that even him could not provide it for you? I do remember and i wanna go to search those things now. You did well, Hayley, you showed much more dignity than most of us. I failed at it so many times and was foolish, but i take it as a process of learnig who i am.

    • Tricia

      Ashamed.I’m sorry he didn’t respond back but U put your pride aside and reached out to him and I know that wasn’t easy . U tried hopefully one day he’ll come back and apologize if not it’s his lost . Don’t be hard on yourself take care .

    • Findingmyway

      You are not a fool. Your user name breaks my heart. Don’t be ashamed of loving and believing in someone even if it was the wrong person. Love, trust and faith in others are good qualities to possess. Unfortunately they are qualities that are sometimes taken advantage of. You are just asking for a thread of human decency. A real man could give you that. A real man could face up to this situation and be honest with you. I think a proper ending/explanation is appropriate always in these situations. No contact after is best for everyone. But to just break without an explanation is cruel and inhumane. That sucks. You are not a fool. You are human.

  • Ashamed

    I have found the last few days unbearable.
    The longing for him and the need for an explanation from him is crucifying me.
    It is taking everything i have not to reach out to him.
    I feel crushed that i did not even deserve a proper goodbye

    • Tricia

      Ashamed. What’s stopping U from reaching out to him . He maybe going thru something that have nothing to do with U Take that chance . Pancake I cried reading your story I feel the same way . I wish things could be better for us loving a M.M is a lonely place to be.

  • Katie C.

    After a month of silence, MM contacted me. We saw each other face to face (no sex) and talked an hour and a half on the phone. He explained some things to me. Things are a bit more clear. But all my feelings came back. I love him and can’t help it. He said he’d take me and leave her today but that it would be too devastating at this time. I don’t want him to leave her. I can’t live with that guilt. It was an emotional and heavy conversation, and I feel so deeply connected to him. I’m stupid, I know. But I think you all understand.

  • Pancake

    I haven’t been with my MM since April 2018
    I ended things with him in the middle of May 2018
    After he would text me every couple of weeks – I guess because he missed me. I always answered his text. I’m not the type to ignore them. In July I went no contact – deleted/blocked. I was getting close to breaking down and seeing him. It’s not that I didn’t want to see him. I wanted to see him so bad it hurt. But I hated living a secret and the emptiness that came with it. In late September I broke down and texted him. I wanted to know how he was doing etc. all very friendly. He told me he still thought of me. Words like that melted my heart. I told him I thought of him too. Then I didn’t text him again. At the end of October he messaged me asking how I was and told me once again he still thought of me. Again I told him I still thought of him.
    Long story short we talked on the phone Sunday the 28th. I never thought I would hear his voice again. He told me how he was and so on and I did the same. Just two friends talking. At the end he did say he would like to talk again sometime. I told him ok. I guess I’m writing this because I feel so lost and sad. I know there is nothing for me in all of this. Just most sadness and loneliness that I can’t share with anyone but all of you. I miss him so much, but I try to bury it. I want to be an important part of his life, but I’m not and I never will be. I want to mean something to him, but I don’t and never will. I’m hurting and I needed to share with the only women who will understand.

    • Ashamef

      Pancake
      I feel the hurt along with you, it is so hard and i truly understand and wish that all the ladies on here can get to a place where the pain is a distant memory.
      My strength is at a low ebb and i am constantly fighting with myself to refrain from contacting him.
      Stay srong, your happiness is out there x

    • Mel

      Pancake, be strong and dont get sucked back in. Love shouldn’t hurt…its a sign that it’s not right. Love yourself and be kind to yourself by leaving the hurtful relationship behind. No amount of wanting more will change the reality of how it is. We are just torturing ourselves…

  • Weak and worn

    I had unaddressed Daddy issues and was blind. It is easy to see how stupid I was when I step back and look at the very sad situation. However, I still think of him every day, want him, and thank God the mm never asked me to leave my husband and children. The sad truth is, I would have walked away and lost everything that is good, real and true in my world. He was a lie, a liar, and knew how to get all that he wanted from me. Hindsite, he saw that I had a true faith, a loving family, and I was not impressed by his material possessions. I was a challenge, a conquest, a game.

    Now that I look back, he was so much like my Dad. He was the same age, the same build, the same type of womanizer, and the life of the party. My dad committed suicide when I was in my early twenties. I never sought therapy and simply buried the pain. I can see now that in my blind stupid heart and mind, this was a do-over. An attempt at feeling whole. The mm listened to me, pursued me, pretended to value my words, thoughts and mind. I created a fantasy world, scenario, and vision. We never actually had sex. In my hypocritical mind and heart, if he did not penetrate me – then I was not being adulterous. The truth is, I cheated. I gave him the energy, love, attention and devotion that should have been directed to my husband, my children, and me.

    I believe the mm actually set out to destroy me. There have been real situations that have demonstrated his cruel intentions. I can see the writing on the wall, yet I still long for him. I am wrecked. The worst of it is, we have not touched in three years. He has had many mistresses and is married to a devoted wife.

    I have confessed my misguided love to my husband. When I told the mm that, he dropped me like a rock. I now believe he wanted to destroy my marriage, my reputation, my life’s work and my life. When I pre-emptively confessed my infidelity, the mm realized he could do no more harm. I can see now, my heart was like a cat toy in his grubby little paws.

    What he intended for evil, my God can use for good. The worst of it is, my intentional sins make it hard for me to pray, worship or seek the God who I love. I know He is faithful – even when I am not. I pray I will feel the blood of Jesus making me as white as snow. My head and heart are still sunk in shame.

    • Hayley

      Weak and worn – my father also committed suicide and I’ve often wondered if this is the reason I do what I do.
      I was very young so I grew up without any male influence and I’ve also never dealt with it. It would explain a lot.

      • Weak and worn

        Thank you for sharing. I never realized that I had gaping holes until this relationship. Hindsight it became blatantly obvious. I was trying to fix in him what no one could fix for my Dad.

        My Dad was worthy of unconditional love. The MM is not worth the drain from my perspective. When I’m distracted by him that means I am distracted from my responsibilities and the ones who I love.

  • Findingmyway

    Has anyone gone on to date other men and found a real relationship with a single/available man? Or at least some happiness alone? I’m sure many have but then don’t come back here to update. I find reading all these stories so sad. Just hope to see a different future. One with hope, healing, and completely moving on. One where I can look back without feeling so traumatized by it all.

  • Nancy

    Hello ladies.
    I have ended my affair with a MM. This is the 3rd time doing so, but this time, I will make sure never to give in.
    We were seeing eachother for a year. He pursued me a lot beforehand, and i enjoyed the attention. I thought he was going through some issues in his marriage, and began thinking some kind of future could happen.
    We clicked on so many levels. I felt alive, loved, confident. But the longer It went on, the more sad I felt when he would leave to go home. Christmas, birthdays, celebration events – they were never with me. Sex was adventerous and intense, but then that sadness would happen when he had to leave. He would text me every morning as soon as he woke up. I enjoyed that message, because it was ‘Good morning beautiful’. What woman wouldn’t want to be called beautiful every single morning?
    But the loneliness still prevailed. The times I could have done with a hug, or a cuddle, or just adult conversation were few and far between. Virtual ‘hugs’ were sent via text, and began to mean nothing to mean. He said he adored me, and it became our word to use instead of ‘love’.
    But I often thought of his wife. I’d ask him about his marriage. I knew it wasn’t great and I wanted to know if he had intentions of being with me properly. I asked many times, but I already knew he wouldn’t leave her for me. He feared loosing his children, which I totally understand. I began to see my place. He would say that i meant so much to him that he had to have me in his life no matter what or how. I thought I could deal with being this amazing secret. But i was lonely. I was receiving the crumbs of his affections. I was the other woman, and he had no intention of being with me. I began to see that he wasn’t going to try and work things out with his marriage, he was just going to move along in life happily with his family on one side and me on the other. Thats no life for anyone. I probably thought more about his wife than he did. I imagined her reaction to finding out he was cheating on her. Part of me would love to tell her, but to what end?….
    So I ended it. I was wasting my love and affections on a worthless man. My energy, my emotions were being wasted on a man who had no intentions of committing to me. I hurt inside. I ache, I miss him. But my mental state needs healing. I’ve been blaming myself. I’ve been thinking something is wrong with ME and that’s why he doesn’t want to be with me. But it’s not me. It’s him.
    The attention we received from these MM can be amazing, that, above their own marriage we are the ones they came to, that they wanted to be with. But they are just replacing one thing with another because they are too scared, lazy even, to work at their own relationship with their wives.
    I’ve read this article and many more to give me strength with my decision. This is the first time I have written about it.
    I hope, if you are here reading this, that you too find the strength to end your affair and find your own self worth. Because you ARE worthy of love and you will find it again (I should really listen to that last part!!!) X X X X X X X

    • Mel

      Nancy, you have it exactly right. I am trying to accept reality and to move on from the same situation as you. My biggest problem right now is I havent fully accepted it yet and am struggling with the sadness of what feels like a loss. I know it’s not really a loss when the relationship is toxic, but my heart hurts. Reading your story helped and your clarity of the situation and determination to move on inspires me.

      • Xxx

        Hi Mel, i completely understand it is so difficult. I have been reading the comments here for months and thinking how miserable i was for reading them because i have something real. Or maybe i should accept it. I am this and that and if this man makes me the happiest person alive, or if i will forever be the dearest to him, this “small sacrifice” is not that important. This is a traumatic experience. Don’t come to the point to be humiliated by him for betraying you nor by his wife threatening you and calling you names. We are not aware as well that we are destroying others’ lives, but who is to blame us when got so lost and so weak that other parts of our lives suffer too. You will realize in the end that you dont even know this person as well as you thought. Call it off before he calls it off, do it for all of us who couldn’t. If it is of a consolation to you, that way he will regret more for losing you, but dont fool yourself, he wont leave his wife..at least not for you. We will always remind them on bad period in their life when the wife found out. That is all they worry about.

    • Hayley

      Nancy – do you think when we’ve ended it they just move on and forget us ??
      I notice there’s never any men posting on these forums.. so do we women suffer and they just easily go about their day without giving us a second thought ??

      I really hope they miss us one day and feel even a slight bit of pain over it all.

  • Ashamed

    I was with my mm for 3 months.
    I am also married.
    We never slept together. He said he had stopped sleeping with his wife since meeting me .
    He always told me he would never leave his wife and that he supposed he loved her but was not in love with her. He said i was the only woman he had ever been in love with as he had never been in love before.
    We texted everyday, spoke twice a week and met once a week usually, he is already retired so it is easy for him.
    We had not seen each other for a month due to commitments then he was away on holiday with his wife.
    Before he went away he was worried about losing me because of lack of contact and i reassured him.
    He texted me a few times while away.
    The day he arrived back he texted and told me his wife told him she had taken redundancy effective immediately on the last night of their holiday and so we would not be able to meet as arranged in s few days and he didnt know how this would effect us and he was at a loss for words.
    From the start he addressed me very differently, no mention of love.
    I was devastated and asked who takes redundancy and doesnt discuss it with their partner as finance is important or have leaving party.
    He went crazy, said i overstepped mark and he had things to do and i should go enjoy my husband .
    I was deeply upset and did not reply to the text, that was a week and a half ago and i have heard nothing from him.
    No proper ending.
    From someone who said he could never envisage his life without me in it, who said he would be heartbroken if he lost me , who wished he had met me years ago then we would have been together.
    Why would he just not contact me at all

    • Tricia

      Ashamed. Be thankful it didn’t go any further and you never was intimate with him . But these married men are still sleeping with wives maybe not everyday but yes they are ! And love is still there too I’m sorry he was so cold to you and u have nothing to be Ashamed of we are only human we all make mistakes . TheM.M never give us proper good bye nor closure I guess they feel well U knew I was married what do U expect ? We never had a real relationship with these man because we aren’t their reality they are our reality that’s why it hurt so much . Thank God it end I know U disappointed and hurting but the longer he was in your life the sadder U would have become affairs are a lonely place . Wishing U well !!!!

      • Ashamed

        Thankyou for reaching out ti me Tricia.
        At the moment i am just wishing my days away.
        I loved him so much and my need for answers is crucifying me.
        Hopefully the pain will end soon

  • Xxx

    Ive been used to read these comments throughout months of being involved with MM, but out of a respect for him did not write anything. Almost a year of pain, if excluding the first 2 months of happiness. I was very naive and clueless on what i got myself involved in. I got a threatening msg from his wife the other day that she would hurt me physically if i did not stop talking to him. We stopped before it, he was a jerk as always and he decided to stop it for “he realised i would be the same idiot as his wife”. I loved him a lot. I did not say any single thing to his wife so he wouldn’t have problems. I did not want to be “same idiot as his wife” nor i put myself on a level of fighting with women over men. I turned out to be a bigger idiot. So I guess I should be happy that I got away without my reputation being destroyed elsewhere other than with them and with few of my friends. I was about to ask the wife where did he buy the telephone which responds automatically, since he was the one who insisted on this “relationship” in first place. I had messages and everuthing but i did not want to destroy the man i loved. So i am a bit sad at the moment that the man to whom i spoked almost every day and tried to be his support sold me out just to get away. I can just imagine what he told her about me. As for the miserable wife who threatens the girls instead of dealing with her husband in a descent way, i can see what she has been doing throughout their marriage and what she will do in future. She will never let go off him. So i guess i should be glad instead of sad? I have a nice career in front of me (he was just slowing me down) and boy, guys find me attractive and funny, might be of a bit problem to open my heart again, but this shall pass too. It hurts to read the ladies here addictive to calling or msging them, he asked me as well to delete his number. That was that. So he sold me out, broke my heart, asked to delete the number and what shall i do? Become the best version of myself. Make it worth it to become so irresistible that he can say one day that he was one of the rare lucky guys to have this girl and he sold her out. As for the wife, no thoughts whatsoever. I should feel sorry but no woman will threaten me. It is of course difficult to stop loving someone who used to make you happiest person alive. But i decided to become stronger and value myself more than just being a side chick. There will be tears and sadness, hate for betrayal but we are gonna leave it behind in a bedroom. The world will only see a great woman walking. Maybe i judged “us” before but i give respect to the other women. We are teachers, professors, bankers, cleaning ladies, shop workers, lawyers, doctors etc. We are great and beautiful women who believed in love. But let’s transform this into “We were”, because “We are” is not what is fair to be. We are great women who occupied men craved for in a certain moment but they didn’t know better than betraying us. They just couldn’t cope with our awesomeness. So let us become the version they first met and this time not give them a chance to destroy it.

    • the one who was betrayed

      HI XXX, i am so sorry for what you are going through. big hugs to you lovely lady. i am in a similar situation, 3 weeks ago he lied to his wife said i was harassing him and obsessed lol, he called me every 5 minutes and he was the one who approached me. lol what an asshole dick face.. big hugs to you. i am also with you on that, how does a guy who called us everyday, said they love us, just delete us like we don’t exist.the wife fucking bitch called me saying if i contacted her husband she will file a restraining order. he deleted me off everything, blocked me and is already on the app looking for a fresh piece of fuck ass. how could he forget about me? after he told me he would DIE without me. his family member who i was friends with knows more to this and we were friends went behind my back and told me to leave him alone, hes married. i was like wtf? i met her spent time with her she said she loved me and wanted him with me then went behind my back. my heart feels like it was ripped into a million pieces. BIG hugs girl, it been over 3 weeks since i haven’t spoken to him, and i never will, he deleted me and never even gave me closure big hugs.

      • Xxx

        Thanks, hugs to you too.^^ The problem that arises here is that they do not stop it until they get bored or in trouble. They say they care for us and feel so bad for putting us through all the pain but keep on being around. My mm would say it was my fault for contacting him sometimes, and he could never resist me. I told you i am irresistible haha! The truth is he knew i would come back since there was already no way out for me, it was too late. I have never ever “dated” the married man before nor i am planning to do it again. The only reason was that he was my biggest love from when i was younger and i carried that feeling all along, so having him back in my life was a shock at first, then pure happiness and finally betrayal. But i guess they indeed could have not resisted on time and then kept on enjoying until we started demanding more and turned ourselves into something even us could not recognize anymore. Then we become “idiots as wives” and they greet us away. So no idiots here, put on a smile, never depend completely on any man, the happiness lies within us. I’d believed this before he reappeared in my life and this has just reminded me on that. I had a closure i must say, but as for me, my closure was his betrayal..yours should be too. Sweet dreams ^^

        • the one who was betrayed

          Xxx, big hugs, i totally understand girl.. exactly he told me i was irresistible and thought of me every second, obviously not true. i wish i could have broken it off before he did it, now i am crushed. he couldnt even email me or call me to apologize and tell me hes sorry for why he told his wife and threw me under the bus and blamed me. Its over, never rely on a man! yes! I now am picking up the pieces to my life. the pieces are shattered all over, but slowly picking up the pieces. sweet dreams lovely girly Xxx 🙂 :))

          • Xxx

            You will be just fine I am sure. Me too. I choose to forgive since he did not know better. And since I don’t want to carry the bad feeling along with me and just want to be completely free…

    • Becky

      Well said.. I will follow your quote and be the best and show him what an amazing person I am and always will be from afar. I read in these comments time and again…. How the MM came into our lives looking for something… How they pursued another woman outside of their marriage. My MM also pursued me. Well he is not my married man anymore… I struggle but he doesn’t know that.. After four years.. As they say… Shit or get off the pot.. I choose to end it when I finally realized that I allowed so much time go waiting.. They say people come into our lives for a reason.. I never have been with a married man nor would I ever think about breaking a family unit until I met him. I thought what we had was once in a lifetime.. ugh.. so stupid…. The struggle is real but I will conquer these feelings and be stronger for it.

      • Findingmyway

        Yes these relationships deserve mature endings with some level of human decency. But these are often very flawed people who pursue these relationships. They have not done right to their wives so it’s a little wonder they’d throw their affair partner under the bus to save themselves. It speaks volumes about them. I am tired of hearing about the affair partner being targeted as the main problem. Reading many of the stories on here it is obvious that many of us were duped and lied to. We were naive and guilty of believing in and caring for someone that used us.

    • Xxx

      Ladies, i am very happy my comment makes you feel better, i already do and it has been only a few days. I suggest you talk to your close friends about this properly, i was blessed today to have a great conversation. I will try not to put bad words on him, I will stay above the whole situation. For me knowing that someone sold out this shiny lady of me is all that i need to know. And I will spare him bad words for the sake of my pure love he stepped on as if it was a piece of a bubble gum. Now i wish it got stuck to his shoes and carried it away from me since it was nice love and would be pity it gets wasted. So he can carry away the love and i will take the confidence they gave me both by trying to make a wrecking ball out of me. No wrecking ball here, only smiles. 😀 And i learned from this that i would never want to check on someone all the time nor someone checking on me, trust me, and i will trust you, that’s it! Otherwise, i go away proudly. Keep going ladies, get out of this nightmare ASAP. We don’t deserve doing this to ourselves. And trust me, if i can do this, you all can do it! I thought i was a lost case, but the God is amazing…

  • Tricia

    Ladies. Question on your Birthday was your M.M with you did he buy U something ?If he knew it was your Bd ? I’m only asking because it was my Birthday he wished me a Happy Birthday but I wished he would have came by and visited me without sex ! when I asked him to In small talk How are U doing ? I got no response either ! I know I will see him again it’s just I know where I stand with him without asking I have no purpose to him other then sex ! It’s sad to say ladies I’m use to this treatment from him the disappearing acts being vague with me or no response sometimes. I know I deserve better I know I have no value to him. I’m so ready to leave him it’s just I can’t bare seeing him because I fall right back line again ! I know this sound crazy I wish he would just tell me to beat it !!! So I can be really mad at him and kick his ass to the curb !! And no he didn’t know it was my Birthday I told him that day.

    • Becky

      The past two years he forgot what day my birthday was on… He never made made up for it…. After four years.. he was suppose to follow through with divorce which I helped pay for… I never saw the papers… Needless to say. He is still with his wife. It is going on two months now of our relationship being over.. I never would have gone through this… If I would have known that he wasn’t going to follow through.. I hate that I put his family through so much hurt. I hate that I allowed myself to fall in love with him. Some days are easier than others but I miss him terribly but refuse to let him back in my life. I tried to live that life and support him.. I tried to look at our situation like it was different from any other relationships.. We connected from very unfortunate circumstances and I thought that we had something unique and special. When he told his wife about me. Of course it blew up. I hurt his family. He choose to go back to his family multiple times… But kept me with the promises that he was going to divorce. I can’t believe what an idiot I have been… So what if he was my soulmate.. The most perfect love I have experienced.. He was never mine to have… Holidays…. Birthdays.. Weekends.. Married men don’t owe the other woman anything.. I am learning how to live my life knowing he won’t be part of it. It sucks. It hurts… But staying with him waiting and living in the shadows was horrible. I wish you the very best and the strength to let him go.

      • Tricia

        Becky. Thank U for sharing your story .I think it’s a shame how some M.M use the other woman as escape goat to try and save their ass with their wife by throwing the O.W under the bus ! And the wife know what’s up ! But her husband Is her world . I remember I texted mine at 7am and someone called me at 7’30 am that was his wife calling me I knew it I called her back out curiosity she didn’t answer she know her husband is having a affair she can feel it .I never thought I would be in this position I thought more of myself. But I know God will never give us somebody else husband and the question is would U really want him could U trust him ? I know I couldn’t .I Wish All The Ladies A Fresh Start and Happiness !! We All deserve It .

  • Becky

    I am grateful for this article. It is horrible to know so many people are going through the pain of trusting a married man but trying to find courage and strength to move forward… With that being said. It is refreshing to know I am not the only one going through this pain that I have knowingly brought onto myself.. thank you all for sharing your lives and experiences..

    • Susan

      Help. I cant leave his wife alone. I send her emails and Twitter messages. She has blocked my Twitter but I get fake accounts to stalk her. I sent her another message this morning telling her she was fake. She has never responded to anything. Please help me. Sm313223@gmail.com

      • Hannah

        Susan, sounds like a bit of an obsession and you are wanting a reaction but you won’t get one. Problem I find that this situation renders us completely irrational at times and a voice in your head takes over! Take back the control any way you can and consider removing yourself from social media – keep yourself insanely busy so you can’t think about it – didn’t you say they are getting divorced anyway? She’s probably a really nice lady that just wants to get on with her life, if you start thinking of her as a proper person with her own issues it may help. Sorry if this doesn’t help at all – these men have a lot to answer for the state they leave us in!

      • Findingmyway

        Susan your anger should be at him. His wife doesn’t matter. She is stuck with him. You are the lucky one in that you don’t have to be married to that creep. Which truly is what he is. You can get back on a good path and put this behind you. The wife is not important.

      • Findingmyway

        Susan another thought. Have you ever checked out the firums that women who are trying to forgive their cheating husbands are on? It is SAD. They are suffering. And they are pathetically stuck because they have kids and mortgages and complicated history with these creeps. And there is so much pressure to keep your marriage in tact no matter what. I wouldn’t want to be them for a million dollars.His wife has her own problems with him. And it is horrible. Leave her be. She has nothing to do with you. And you are the lucky one. You know that now. You deserve better and you are free to pursue it. Unfortunately she is not and would have a tremendously more difficult road ahead of her. Leave her be. Focus on yourself. Love yourself. Let that all go.

  • the one who was betrayed

    I feel so sick right now. I found out this morning that on this app me and my MM use to talk on, he made another profile, put a photo and looking for new girls if he doesnt have one already, after telling his wife and dumping me about 3 weeks ago. I cannot believe this, i feel like my world is spinning, he used me for 12 years and dumped me now looking for someone else. Obviously his wife knows what he is doing, hes a freaking cheater. Can you ladies believe this? he was cheating on me, probably met someone else also. My heart has ripped into a million pieces. he didnt even give me closure, and now hes chatting with others.

    • Katie C.

      Cannot imagine this after 12 years. He sounds like a narcisstic sociopath. My ex husband was like that. I’m sorry this has happened. All you can do at this point is practice self-love and start living for you, not him. If you’re a person of faith, pray for God to remove your feelings and break all soul ties with him. You’re going to have a rough few days ahead of you. I really don’t get how a person can so easily discard another. It’s evil and immature and such a dick move. Be kind to yourself and know you deserve better ❤️

      • the one who was betrayed

        Hi Susan and Katie, thank you ladies. Yeah, just found out last night at 1 am he was on chats online and on the apps we spoke on. he is already finding his next victim. I am so blessed it is over , i just wish i could have ended it rather than him, he got the last word and told his wife i was stalking and harassing him when I was not. I feel like someone punched me in the stomach, ripped my heart out and stomped on it, that someone being him. I hope he fuc*ing rots. he is already looking for his prey, fu**ing lying cheater. never ever will i speak to him, i dont care if he calls me months or years down the road, i shall NEVER forgive this pig. I hope all of you ladies are doing well. Katie and Susan, you both are so sweet, i hope you two are doing well, and everyone else,Katie you are so right, he is so immature and evil to do this to me after 12 years, i hope he fuc*ing rots, his wife is so stupid, she KNOWS what he is doing but she likes it, she just didnt like me. thats what he told me. love u all big big tight love huggies 🙂

  • Katie C.

    I’m 16 days no contact. I did run into him last Friday though. He said hey to me, and I barely squeaked out a “hey” and didn’t even break stride. I was with a male friend (just a friend), but MM had no way of knowing if he was a date or a friend. I caught him looking at me a few times, but I always looked the other way. Other than that, there has been zero contact. I thought when he saw me with a guy, he might text and ask if I’m dating, but he didn’t. I wanted to scream at him and ask him why he discarded me with no warning or explanation. But I refuse to look psycho, plus it would just set me back. I still feel sick to my stomach all the time. I’ve stopped crying every day, but I had a big cry yesterday. I’m still so very hurt and seeing him was like a knife going through me.

    I’m still clueless as to why he ghosted. My best guess is that he started feeling guilty. He loves his wife, and I guess he decided to work on the marriage. But dammit I’m a human being too and deserved a proper goodbye instead of being left to feel like garbage that was tossed aside. We had an intense affair and were in constant contact unless he was with her, then suddenly he ceased all communication. He didn’t unfriend me on FB, but I don’t look at his page. I’ve posted a couple of pix of me having fun, and I hope to God he sees them.

    I still crave him. I still wish for a call or a text. I wish I didn’t. I hate this. This has really wrecked me. I played with fire and got burned, but he was the one who so strongly pursued me.

  • Pancake

    I wanted to share this prayer with you all. Sending hugs to you all….Love Pancake xxxooo

    Dear God
    I am bonded in my heart to someone who does not
    share this bond.
    I feel so drawn to (name) while he is not drawn to me.
    Please, dear God, disconnect my heart from this longing within me that does not serve.
    I release this person into Your hands.
    May the ropes that bind my heart be cut.
    May they not bind me.
    May they not bind him.
    I release him that I might be released.
    Retract the silent hooks I have in him.
    Bring back to me my power and my love.
    Cut the cord that chemically ties me to him.
    Free me from him.
    Free him from me.
    May we find peace.
    Free us both.
    Amen.

  • Hayley

    Tricia – 14 years on and off.. he would disappear on me and I would move on and he would seek me out again. I would cave in every time. It’s happened more times than I care to admit. This time he’s hung around though, he was quite happy to keep me this time so this is why I fell for him hard cause we became proper friends.
    It’s ended this time cause I can’t cope with it.. I knew he was leaving it down to me this time. The mixed signals etc were making me ill.. I’ve tried no contact a few times recently but it doesn’t seem to work.. I know I can’t reply and I know I need to move on again (it seems sooooo much harder this time) guess I had no choice the times before!! 14 years of on off on off..
    I’m sure he is addicted to me but addiction isn’t love and I want him to love me. After 14 years I think I deserve it so until he can admit he does I’m done!
    Please don’t do another 7 years like me!! X

    • Tricia

      Hayley. Thanks for your responses I’m going thru the same thing with mine I don’t know myself anymore . I’m sad and lonely most of the time and things aren’t going well in my life right now and we are friends that’s why it’s so hard for me to let him go plus he is never mean to me. I know he’ll never leave his wife I don’t expect that maybe I need church ? Having problems letting go…..

  • Hayley

    Thank you. I didn’t reply feeling quite proud of myself and of course you are so right. Addiction isn’t love!! !
    I’m truly done x

  • Hayley

    Help ladies. no contact, doing better than ever really just got exhausted and glad he’s gone.
    14 years on and off and I never knew his true feelings, expressed them only once to me when he was drunk!!

    Then I Wakes up his morning to this:
    ‘I don’t know what it is, I can’t stop thinking about you. You turn my on massively, I love spending time with you , you make me laugh and you are so full of energy.
    I’m an addict and you are my addiction.’

    What do I say? I’ve not replied. Months ago I would have been over the moon now I don’t know if I’m flattered or feel sorry for him.
    I just feel anger!

    • Tricia

      Hayley. Wow 14 yrs is along time how did it end ? I’ve been with mine 7 yrs on and off I don’t know his true feeling either and I’m scared to ask because I don’t want a lie .It’s crazy how long we put up with being second best .

    • Maggie

      Hayley, you can do it! You are strong! My mm also said I am a drug to him. And i know he is my drug. We are all addicts here. We are addicted to these men and they are addicted to them. Today has been a day of inner peace for me. I don’t know if it would be so if I hadn’t started the antidepressants though. But today I decided I will do for me for a change. I am going to focus on me and work on myself.

      • the one who was betrayed

        Hayley you are strong girl! big hugs, i miss you girls, this website has been my saving grace. My MM dumped me over 2 weeks ago and never contacted me. he said if i ever contacted him he would file restraining order and his wife told me that too. When i contacted him 2 weeks ago (the day of our breakup) he went to go tell his wife i was harassing him, even though we were together. he wanted to dump me so he threw me under the bus; Do you ladies think he will ever contact me again? I never been through this. He obviously doesnt want to since he told his wife and told me to never contact him. I cant believe this. He never f**king .. LOVED ME. JUST USED ME FOR MY YOUNGER BOD..BODY. LOL NOT BOD. Ladies any experience in if they come back? did anyone here experience him telling his wife that he had an affair and wanted to fix his marriage?how long did it take for him to send a message. i truly think he wont. we had a mutual friend who is a f**king SNA*KE.. i dont even talk to her anymore. She told him he should dump me. what will happen? i dont want him.

        • Tricia

          The One Who Was Betrayed. If your M.M cared about you and he truly loved U yes in time he would contact you. But the reality is I don’t think what they share with us they consider real feeling or real life they just see us as escape from their real life . And their real life is what they cherish and protect we don’t get the proper respect or closure because to them we don’t deserve it because we are cheating with them disrespecting our self.So if he never come back chances are he’ll find another mistress and move on I know that painful to hear but U may never have what U want out of him and you will have to be strong and move on with your life. I know 12 yrs is a long time that is a investment in someone .But in time your Heart Will Heal and The Tears will stop The Pain will subside U will never forget him but In Time U will move pass this .

          • the one who was betrayed

            HI Tricia, thank you for responding. I really appreciate this, I agree with you, if he really loved me he would contact me and at least give me closure and apologize. I feel so freaking betrayed right now. I am so over this. I saw online that he is clearly moving on with his life, posting things talking to people. He used me then dumped me like a freaking piece of fu**ing trash. 12 DAMN years meant shit to him, his wife is his world, even though she never went to school, never cleans the house, and doesn’t take care of him. i hit a new F*CKING low today ladies, I am so down. Thats it I am done, I cannot do this anymore. I don’t even want to think or hear about him ever again. He will never ever call me and I don’t want to here from him again. big hugs to you women , It is crazy how this heart ache has ruined my freaking fuc**ing life.

    • Marie

      Haley

      Please don’t fall for it and don’t contact him. I don’t want to hurt your feelings… but that message is nothing more than a ‘botty’ call. You are better than that! I’ve been there you want so much to see it as something more than it actually is. I would get those same texts (almost verbatim) and I would be so excited. I would text back instantly and be just waiting to see him. But after I did the same thing would happen all over again. He’d disappear back to his wife and I’d be torn apart. Please try to see thru the BS.

  • CJ

    I dated a married man for 3 years. He said he fell out of love with her. I was in the same cycle as everyone else that has affairs. He wanted her to find out so he left his phone around. After multiple times she finally said to leave. He was getting ready to any way. He found a studio apartment in their same town. He was sad and depressed. The kids weren’t talking to him and his wife was angry and sad. She wanted him back. He never went back. We went through hell for another 3 years and he still has not divorced her. They bought a beach house together last year. He bought them all new jeeps. He kept it all from me. We broke up constantly. It was pain hurt and more pain. I was still a secret. I recently broke up with him for the last time. I went to school with him and everyone loved him. Thought he was the best person ever. I will tell you that he lied all the time. He was manipulating and controlling. He led 2 lives. I know you want to believe what your married man says but I saw the true character once they leave. I’m not saying all men are bad who cheat. Some seriously just do not love their wives any more and feel helpless. DO NO HAVE AN AFFAIR. IF YOU ARE FIND ALL THE POWER IN THE WORLD TO GET OUT. It is nothing but a dark lonely place and I hate for anyone to go through what I did. I’m sad and grieving but I know I will move forward this time. Get the support you need and don’t stop until you are free. xo

    • Susan

      CJ – Your story reminded me of my affair. We knew each other from high school and everyone thought he was so great Superstar jock, etc. He put on a big front to the world that he was the perfect Christian husband/father. He always said he would “never do anything to hurt his children”. It became very apparent that he would never divorce. He also lied all the time. I would drive up to see him and he would tell his wife he had to work on a Saturday morning. Come to the hotel and have sex with me, shower and go back home. Then tell her he was going out with friends that night and come back to the hotel and do the same thing. This was my life for 16 months. When his daughter had a volleyball tournament in my state – he scheduled a business trip to coincide with it so he could make it look like he was coming here for his daughter’s games. He stayed with me for 2 nights in a hotel then the wife/daughter arrived and he went to be with them. It was all nothing but lies and deceit. I can’t honestly believe he did his wife that way. I don’t know her but she did not deserve that. He laughed one time and said “She trusts me”.

    • CJ

      I just want to add one more thing if I can help. I think we would all still feel the same pain even if we did get an answer or closure. What is helping me, is to stop dwelling on the past and start looking into a better future. This type of relationship is highly addictive. We can all be more empowered by this breakup and use that energy in a more healthy productive way by trying new things and meeting new people. It is very difficult at first and if you feel like falling, don’t. Find the strength by either talking to someone, comimg to sites like this, or finding some podcasts on this subject and getting through the pain that comes along with a breakup. I know it feels like this was the guy of your dreams but he’s not. Stop waiting and putting your life on hold. If he decides to divorce and come for you later then so be it. Meanwhile Find some acceptance. I think we will all learn a lesson by knowing at the very least we deserve a whole lot more. And when we find it there will be no question. For the three years I was with him after he left, I had a sick feeling in my gut. I did not trust him in the least. Who wants to live that way. And if you are married yourself, find whats missing and work on it and see that through. Don’t take shortcuts any more. Listen to your heart, your head, and your gut. I think we can all get through it and live a more happy life. xo

  • Anonymous38

    So I saw a picture of my ex-mm with his wife and child on Instagram…I almost felt jealous and envious…but it quickly faded away…and Im happy about that…

    The other day he sent me a text about porn sites ..and that he would love to do one with me…

    Ugh…she could have him…

  • Kelly

    My problem doesn’t seem so bad as some of you because I’ve only been in this affair for 3months and we haven’t actually slept together, but it still hurts like hell. We are both married and met because we work 2 doors apart. We started just meeting for quick walks etc.. then we kissed and we kept meeting after work but only for 10mins as he had to pick up his kids!! Then we’d meet on a Saturday if he worked and we’d text all the time and I’d walk past his work and he’d pay me compliments. Last week he came into my work as it was me on my own. We got a little carried away but didn’t sleep together as we said we never would because we were both married! Then he called me a little while later and said he can’t do this anymore and he felt too guilty!! He said he should have done it face to face but he couldn’t, now I don’t know if he really felt guilty or if he was worried we might take it further. He chased me more, but now I feel like crap and miss the compliments and having our little meetings and the passion!! Am I being stupid as it’s only been a short time and I think I’m the only one who’s going through this!! Thanks for listening. X

    • Susan

      Kelly – RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN away from this man. I tell you this with love. There is NOTHING but pain in your future if you choose to continue. xoxo Susan

    • Tricia

      Kelly . Be thankful it didn’t go any further .Because it Is a very Heartful and Emotional Journey that will lead In Heartbreak . I wish I’d hadn’t embarked on this journey I thought I could handle it .

      • Kelly

        Thank you Susan and Tricia,
        he messaged me today and said he was really sorry about the way he treated me. And gave me a few compliments, which I wish he hadn’t. The main problem is, I see him nearly everyday, it’s so hard, I want to hate him. It would make it easier. Why can’t I stop thinking about him all the time, it hurts so much. Just don’t want to do anything.. How do people cope that have actually slept together that must be so much harder.
        😪
        X

        • Tricia

          Kelly. Dealing with a married man is always good In the beginning because they trying to gain your trust and devotion. When the passion comes he will awaken something In U that U will crave and have been longing for awhile . U won’t have any control over your emotions even thou U think u can handle it . Having a affair is a sad lonely place u will feel guilt at times and ashame of yourself because part of U allowed this ! This not an experience U want . I know it hard because u are so close in space and the temptations Is there don’t allow yourself to be alone with him because u will give in to the temptation ! Kelly be careful .

        • Maggie

          Run Kelly run. Do not contact him. If he contacts you tell him you can’t do this. Believe me you do not want to continue this. The pain just gets worse.

  • Laura (Flo)

    Ladies, I just messaged him. What have I done?? I’ve done so well, I haven’t messaged him since I last told him to leave me alone. We see each other at work and he tried small talk but I just walked away, and I was so proud of myself but today I’m so down in the dumps. I can’t stop thinking about him and I’ve gone and messaged him! I feel like crying. I feel like an idiot, but he’s always there in my mind. I hope he doesn’t reply, but then I think that will hurt more. I can’t believe myself. This is harder than I thought it would be 😞

    • Tricia

      Laura: Been there still there ! I told my M.M I want to take care of him and how much my feelings have deepen for him . That man is the cream In my coffee I love him . I know there’s no future I give him my body freely then I go feeling stupid or Used ! But I try to let him go and do no contact or break things off but Im to weak oh plus he my landlord with my keys to my apartment so I doubt I can have another man right . Laura we can’t help who we love we human don’t beat yourself up everything will work out In God Timing.

  • Pancake

    I wanted to thank you all for all your kindness and love.
    I’m hanging in there. Taking one day at a time. I still think about my MM. I have not contacted him again and he never emailed back how he was doing.
    I wanted to let you know I have read ever letter written and want you all to know I feel your pain and I hope someday in the nearest future you will all find peace in your hearts.
    I’m truly sorry about those MM who just decide to end things without giving you the proper respect you deserve. It’s so painful not to have closure. I don’t think it’s because they don’t miss you or love you, but moreso they got caught by their wives and don’t know how to deal with the situation they are now in. That’s not saying you all don’t deserve answers. They turn into cowards who fear a nasty divorce, judgement by others: family, friends, coworkers, guilt for all the pain they have caused their families. Also, the guilt for hurting you who gave him everything. So your MM choose do nothing to ease your pain.
    They are trying to make their home life better – I’m sure they suffer in silence the loss of not having each and everyone of you in their lives. There is no one they can share their loss with.
    You are truly all beautiful, magnificent women who deserve the world. These MM were fortunate to have you in their lives. Not the other way around.

    • Maggie

      This made me feel so much better. Thank you for saying this. My MM was a coward. She told their children and his parents and he caved. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t enough for him. But he wasn’t good enough for me.

    • the one who was betrayed.

      Pancake. you are so spot on. Big hugs to you! i am going through the same thing, 2 weeks ago he told his wife and dumped me. 12 years into the trash. 12 years of love, sharing our lives and standing strong through pain in life. it meant nothing to him, because he didnt give me closure. he can easily send me an email at work. I truly hope we all find peace one day. one day at a time, please ladies focus on yourselves, take care of your beautiful selfs, work hard, study hard, buy things you always wanted to buy and i hope we find our soulmates. I will never forget my MM, i am sure he will,he is obviously moving on. thank you for this post Pancake, you totally hit the nail on the head.

  • Hayley

    Maggie – same here. Had a melt down in my car yesterday had to fake some excuse about work when I arrived home, today I am being spoilt rotten. I don’t deserve it. My head is thick and heavy but my friend came round, we walked the dogs together I told her a few things and it’s helped massively so at the moment I’m feeling ok, hardly thought about him. I’m sure tomorrow will be another story.
    I’ll be glad when I’ve moved on fully and it stops hurting so much.
    One day at a time. I’m glad you are having a better day x x

    • Maggie

      I cant wait for the day I don’t hurt anymore and I dont think about him anymore. Glad you are having a better day as well. I cried again in my car on my commute home. This constant emotional yo-yoing is horrible

  • Paula livato

    A three yr affair with a married man has been lonely deppressed knowing he leaves me to go home to his wife . He has no shame no guilt how could I let it go on for so long. It’s been two days he stopped calling or texting me won’t return my calls or text. I’m hurt confused . I want him to feel the way I feel how dare him be happy. Just stop talking to me did he not care about me

    • Susan

      Paula-They seem to have no conscience. They dont feel things like we do. They are mainly in it for sex and attention they dont get at home. But my feeling is when the home life “needs” them…..they dump the OW.

    • Tricia

      Paula . U are not alone that’s the problem dealing with these M.M U are vulnerable all U do is wait on them to throw U a little attention and time and we settle for that . And U never when things will end with them what’s really going on with them . And U question your morals everyday .Its been 7 yrs with me and my M.M a lot of loneliness and ups and down sometimes I don’t understand myself but I’m afraid I’ve falling In love with him.

  • Jenny

    Hi ladies, Jenny here again
    It’s been 2days that I haven’t been to work 🙁 I’m getting helpless and worst. I don’t know what to do anymore. I stopped living. At all 🙁 He never messaged me for a week now but today he just came here at home with food. I beg him not to contact me and come back here anymore because it’s killing me. I want to move on and be okay. I really want to. Right now, I’m really itching to message or call his wife and tell her everything. The last 7yrs of us. Just so she would know. Is it a terrible move? Please someone enlighten me. I want his wofe to know, is all.

    • Susan

      Jenny – Be careful about telling the wife. I did and he never spoke to me again. Although that was exactly why I told her. I wanted the affair to end. It was killing me. Being in the affair killed me – then ending it killed me. But atleast I do not have to live with the guilt and shame and constant wanting anymore. He’s gone. But I still miss him. Still send him emails sometimes, etc. He has not communicated with me in almost 4 months. I can’t believe you have been in this for 7 years. I hope you can get out of it. I am a Christian and I honestly believe God did me a favor. I believe God is in control. I used to pray for my MM to come to me, call me, divorce his wife for me. When I would pray those prayers my soul would hurt because of what I was doing. It was wrong and going nowhere. It is so exciting but ruins your life.

    • Tricia

      Jenny: I know your hurting Sweetie but please don’t mess with his wife ! She has nothing to do with u guys affair ! Hurting her will not easy your pain and won’t bring him closer to you .It will only make things worse between U two don’t do nothing u can’t take back . Be the bigger person U are better then that .Don’t lett this affair ruin your life ! Stay Strong !

  • Susan

    All – I am super depressed today. My email is sm313223@gmail.com. I sent his wife an email that he called me and we were back together. Then got scared she might get a restraining order on me so sent another email apologizing and saying it wasn’t true and I would leave her alone. I have anxiety really bad anyway but today am totally freaking out.

      • Susan

        Maggie – No, I told his wife last July. The texting stopped. We continued to email up until June of this year. At first he lied his way out of it with his wife. But I realized he was not going to see me anymore. So I started sending her more and more information. Which ultimately has caused them to divorce. He hates me now. Our last communication was in June. I sent him a text and he told me “Please stop, I’m begging you”. After that he blocked me on his phone and I assume his email because he won’t respond to anything. I have depression/anxiety anyway – so this has been really hard on me. It has triggered a major depression for me. When I was with him I was a size 8 and I have gained 60 pounds since we broke up. I’m tall 5’9″ and in a size 14 — but feel like crap about myself. His wife looks good in the pics she posts on her Twitter account and I cannot STOP comparing myself to her. She is all smiles and happy now. I think she was looking for a way out of the marriage to begin with. From what he told me they had nothing to do with each other. Could have been lies – but she seemed to file for divorce VERY fast. And seems very happy. Like everyone else on here – my MM constantly filled my head with how beautiful I was, how smart I was, we texted/emailed daily. I miss it. I miss his adoration and his friendship. I had known him since high school. It is just shocking to me how he could totally stop communication with me. But I think when she filed for divorce that did it. I also feel guilty because I live with my boyfriend and he loves me unconditionally. I wish I could confide in him these sad feelings I have but I can’t. It would hurt him.

      • Susan

        To be honest – I think it is a good thing I have gained weight. Because if I were still skinny and looking good – I would probably go to see him and beg him back. He lives in another state. I could see myself doing that. So God is protecting from myself.

    • Tricia

      Susan. U have come so far and I know U miss him I’m tell U the same thing I told Jenny .U are better then that and telling a man wife Is not right but sometimes we get so emotional and get caught up In our own feeling we don’t think we act . And I know U are a good person because U try to support the other ladies on this site.Please leave the wife alone. It’s not helping U it’s hurting U and not easing your pain.Don’t let this affair consume or ruin your life .Another man would be so Happy to know U and be with U and U deserve that too don’t short change yourself .

      • the one who was betrayed,

        Hello everyone 🙁 I feel so heartbroken. it has been 2 weeks, the longest we have gone without contact. he dumped me by telling his wife. After 12 years of being so close he dumped me like trash and didn’t have the decency to apologize or give me the closure i desperately need. I cry every minute, I cannot focus, I have no future and because he was helping me financially I am in despair. I really hope I do not wake up everyday. How can someone who told me everyday that no matter what he would never me, leave me like trash. Will he ever apologize to me? Its too late anyway because I am changing my phone number this week. I already deleted everything about him and even our mutual friend is gone to me. I feel so lonely, depressed, betrayed. I understand if his wife found out and he had to hide for a little until things settled down, but he decided to tell his wife because I threatened to do so. I wish i never told him I would tell his wife, he said oh yeah? I will tell my wife then, and he did it. I told him NO, i would never tell her, I wanted to get his attention. oh boy, how i fucked up… 🙁 wish i could go back.

        • Tricia

          The one who was betrayed. I’m so sorry u are in this postion .I been with my MM for 7 yrs on and off I be so lonely at times sometimes I simply don’t how I allowed myself to settle for crumbs and fall In love with a married man . Some days I’m good some days are not good . Sometimes we say and do things we regret and can’t take back our emotions take over . I remember when I told off my M.M girl I knew I messed up and losing him I wasn’t ready to do so I apologize yup I caved In ! So now I chose my words differently . Maybe U try talking to him when things cool down ? I truly hope everything work out for U . 🙏🏾

          • the one who was betrayed..

            Hi Susan and Tricia. Thank you both ladies, hugs to you. Tricia, I totally understand! we both are in the same position, I really regret the mean things I told him. IT was my LOVE && HA emotions…. are you back with your MM? i cant even call mine, he told me he will tell his wife then file restraining order. do you think he may call me one day for closure?? I dont think he will since he told his wife, what do you ladies think. HELP ME PLZ 🙁 ARGH CRIES.. TEARS OF LOVE.. 🙁

        • Tricia

          The one who was betrayed. I would hope when things cool down maybe u can talk it gotta be something there between u two after 12 . Man get scared when U mention the wife or there marriage I remember when my MM thought I said something about his marriage he Damn Near went off on me this was early In the game this was when I knew wife was off limits ! And I’m cool with that .Men hearts are different from women’s your MM is hurt so he want to hurt u in the worst way by filing a retraining order against the other woman . I could only image the pain u feel I pray that everything work for U with him . Yes I’m still with him but I’m lonely and sometimes feel foolish and used . I never thought I would be the other woman but I fell in love with him today I cooked him lunch he couldn’t make it because of work but he apologize. I’m so scared when the end comes because know it will hurt but I just learned not to expect much from him sound stupid I know but that way my feeling ain’t to hurt . Some days I wonder if he got another mistress ? He is a handsome middle aged man but I don’t let my mind go there . Keep your faith In God because he will provide your needs and see U thought this difficult time .

      • Susan

        Hanging in there. I have officially given up. No more trying to email him (or his wife) to share my side of what happened. I will never get closure from them. Gotta let go and move on. I pray and trust God to get me through. And I have a loving supportive boyfriend. I pray for all you ladies every day.

  • Michelle

    I have fallen in love with a married man. It all started a year ago and we established there were feelings. We met up a lot and we kissed three times. This is as far as we have gotten. His wife Is now pregnant. We both agreed to stop communicating. We have stopped everything.
    My guilt is just so bad some days and then I realize I’m human. He just is going on with his life and I’m still madly in love with him. I am also just so angry with him that he perused me. I know this all could have been avoided. I just wish I could turn back time. I also don’t know how to move on, he is all I think about.

    • Katie C

      Michelle, I feel your pain. Why did he pursue me so hard? How can he just go on with life as if I never existed? It’s been almost a week with zero contact. I’m struggling. Can’t eat. Not sleeping. Lost 10 lbs. all this trying to hold down a demanding FT job I was dumped with no explanation. The pain is horrific, and I feel guilty for getting involved, but he seduced me so hard until he broke me down and I gave in.

      • Maggie

        Katie, I feel your pain. I have lost 18 pounds in 30 days. Working full time is hell, trying to pretend all is well. And I have a husband and children. I feel like trash.

        • Katie C

          Maggie, you are NOT trash. I never understood the whole OW thing after my now ex-husband cheated on me, but I totally get it now. I was seduced and mesmerized by his words. I’m a Christian and knew it was wrong but could not stop myself even though I tried. He lit a fire in me that I didn’t know existed. I should have run, but I couldn’t. We can’t help who we fall for 🙁

  • Katie C

    I just wanted to mention that sometimes MM do leave their wives. I’m living proof. He left me after 13 years of marriage for the OW. Yes, we had young children. Yes, we had a healthy sex life. She was married too with children. I read article after article stating they don’t ever leave their wives. YES, they do! He did not marry the OW, but their relationship lasted 5 years until she saw the light and kicked him to the curb. Him leaving for the OW was the worst thing I’ve ever been through. I hated her, wrote her a scathing letter, called her all kinds of names. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d become someone’s OW. I didn’t want him to leave his wife because I’ve lived that nightmare. He recently ghosted on me, and I am clueless as to wtf happened. I’m guessing he got a conscience and couldn’t live the double life anymore.

    I desperately want an explanation. I know I deserve nothing, but after all that we shared you’d THINK he’d have the decency to say goodbye properly. But, then again, I’m dealing with a cheater. One I loved and adored as sick as that is. I cry myself to sleep every night. I feel so incredibly lost and hurt.

    • Maggie

      Katie, I know how you feel. Mine went so far as to pick out a house and ask what kind of ring I wanted. And then dumped me on my ass. I feel awful.

      • Katie C

        Maggie, I miss him so much. I know it’s so wrong, but I can’t turn the feelings off. It went from him contacting me at every feasible opportunity to silence. We laughed so much on the phone, shared life experiences we’d had, made plans of when we’d next meet. The last time I spoke to him in person was last Friday night. He was so different and cool towards me. I asked him why the communicating had decreased. He made excuses about work and also said wifey had asked to see his phone the other night (he said nothing was on it). Why couldn’t he have just been truthful? He didn’t even say it was over, yet it obviously is. He texted me briefly the next day (last Saturday) and that is the last I’ve heard. I honestly understand and respect that he chose his wife. I just don’t get the leaving me hanging with no explanation. That is cruel and cowardly. Honestly never expected him to behave this way, but I guess this is how cheaters are. I hope I’ve learned my lesson and will RUN next time an MM comes my direction.

        • Maggie

          Today is 30 days. The silence is unbearable. He was my best friend long before any of this and now I feel so alone. My depression is overwhelming. I am now on two antidepressants and looking into a counselor. I can’t talk to anyone about this…because I too am married.

    • delilah white

      Hi Katie C. and everyone also, I am so grateful that I found this website with these comments, you ladies are making me feel better. I am in such a horrid position. I was dated a MM for over 10 years then, the other day we had an argument and he felt upset and hurt because I told him the truth, he felt threatened, so he told his wife everything. She called me, he played the victim, and poof he is gone like the wind. He use to call me every 10 minutes telling me he loved me and missed me and would never leave me and when push came to shove, he dumped me like trash. We had a mutual so called friend who I trusted, who told him to dump me since he couldn’t live a double life, even though that supposed friend was taking my side, because I loved him deeply. I am devastated. I cant eat, drink, function, he has ruined me completely, he deleted me off everything and his wife told me if I ever contact him she is filing a restraining order. I couldn’t believe it. I protected him, I did not tell her half the things he told me, he was the one clingy to me. I have to move on. lots of hugs to you other women, you ladies are amazing, lets stay together, and pray nice men single available come our way. xo

      • Katie C

        Delilah and everyone. I totally feel your pain. It’s unbearable. I have lost 10 lbs. I have a FT job where I have to be on top of my game at all times, and it’s so hard. I cry when I’m alone. Have no one to talk to as this affair was top secret. I’m a good person who fell for the persistent seduction of the wrong man. I truly loved him and was willing to settle for the crumbs. How sick is that? How does he not miss me? How can he live with himself dumping like a hot potato with explanation or warning? I refuse to contact him to ask wtf happened. I want to, but I have to maintain no contact if I’m to heal from this. He was such a huge part of my life and happiness, and now it’s as if he dropped off the face of the earth. Why does he think it’s ok to leave me hanging with no closure? The pain is excruciating.

      • the one who was betrayed,

        Hi Maggie, thank you for being so kind, all of you strong women on here, i want to say i LOVE you. My ex-MM broke up with me recently, had his wife call me and he threw me under the bus. I protected him, was with him for over 10 years. my fault, i tried to do No contact, but he kept coming back and I felt so alone and loved him and forgave him. is anyone willing to email me? i would love to talk to someone here, I am all by myself. He left me with nothing. he knows I have no job, no career, and barely any family. I feel so alone. My email is babygirly17@yahoo.com, please email me and maybe we can be friends and heal together. Can i get some advice? Will he ever call me to apologize? probably not right, why would he initiate the breakup by telling his wife everything if he loved me? He is probably so happy now, he used me for years and now his wife whom he told me things about can love each other. I see on fb that she is doing well and he is on his email, instead of apologizing for ruining my life. he went on. it has been a week. does anyone know when this pain will stop? My heart aches, I am trying to make a life for myself but feel so lost. please email me anyone.

        • Laura

          I’m in a place that I can’t explain. Some days are good, others are shite. I see him all the time, and I usually have small chit chat, however this week I’ve ignored him and i can’t even look at him. It’s really hurting. My email is always open too, I need to talk to others who are going through the same. Keepsmilingflo@gmail.com

          • the one who was betrayed,

            Hi Laura and Hi Tricia and Hi Katie and Hello to everyone lol.. lots of hellos. Thank you girls for responding. The pain we are enduring now is so intense so hurtful, I cry for all of us. It is so freaking hard to get over these MM. It is incredible what they have done to us, they used us and when push came to shove, they dropped us like trash. I dont know how they live with themselves knowing they broke our hearts. It has been a week since my Ex MM dumped me and blocked me and everything. you know what i did? I deleted all of our messages, deleted the apps we spoke on, and slowly starting to move on. I need to go back to school, get a career and start working. He was toxic and I will never EVER EVER forgive him for what he did to me, he left me during the hardest time of my life, he showed me what he thought of me, he promised to never leave me. I am slowly getting in shape, going to the gym every other day, looking into going to school, and removing his toxic self from my life. What hurts me so bad, was that i was really good friends with a family member of his, and she told me she loved me! When he dumped me, I found out from her that she encouraged him to dump me because she said he cannot live two lives anymore. I was so hurt, I cried and wanted to disappear, and begged her to contact him, she said she did but didnt want to help me fix this. She contacted me the other day, but i never responded and never will. My next goal is changing my number and moving on. I really miss and love him, but reality is, I wasted over 10 years on him and cannot manage to waste another 10, I mean if he didnt dump ME i probably would lol, but now that he dumped me, he has given me freedom. I love you girls, please email me and we can stick together. my email is babygirly17@yahoo.com -contact me anytime. We will get over these pigs, they are truly pigs. Love them though because we fell in LOVE with them, but they just want to use us 🙁 help. sigh.

            Katie C- I read your response, I am so sorry, I am giving you a big hug and a shoulder to lean on. I also have lost weight, 8 pounds so far, I want to lose a lot more as a result of this heartbreaking situation. I am so sorry about all your stress, you are an incredible woman, working FT damn! your amazing. The affair with MM also was a secret, but his good friend knew and i thought liked me but didnt. you can always reach out to me 🙂 you know whats funny? I also say he dumped me like a hot potato! When I saw you write that I was like OMG we think the same!! I used that term also. I have no clue how they can live with themselves, they lie to their wives and then lie to us. The MM always look like the VICTIM. lol even though they are the MAIN PRIORITY SUSPECT. HUGS TO YOUALL, LOVE TO YOUALL <3 FOREVER. LOVE.

        • Tricia

          The One Who was betrayed. I’m so sorry U are experience such Heartache. Your story broke my heart my story is different from yours but the pain is all the same. If he wanted to end thing’s with U he could have done it better then that ! That is cruel and ugly and sad . U deserve so much better then that sweetie .It sound like U weren’t in a good place in your life and he use that to his advantage ? But I always say U never know what these M.M thinking or what they will do .They priority is to there self and there family ! We are disposable just the other OW ! And sometimes we forget that and think we their Girlfriend until they pull a another disappearing act and we be [ like Damn What Happened ! ] Nothing he want U to see where U truly stand .I never thought that I would settle for this OW stuff ! But we were friends that became lovers It;s been 7 yrs I’m scared of the day when decide to really leave me because I know it will feel like Hell My Heart will Ache worse. I don’t know why we just can’t let them go ? We know the deal it won’t end well. I cannot tell U what to do but I’m give U some advice take this time to try and get yourself together go to church pray for the strength to let him go he doesn’t deserve U ! Empower yourself and better yourself ! Yes U made a mistake by being with a M.M but don’t let that define who U are and your Value as a woman . Don’t worry about his life with his wife Married people always put on a unity front with pictures of the family and the wife ! U will never know what goes on behind close door and they never tell .Focus On U and where U want to be In your life . Don’t beat up on yourself yes U will miss him want contact him and when that day come write Us Or me for support U are not alone.God Bless .Stay Strong !

    • Brenda

      My MM also ghosted me and it’s killing not to know the reasons why? I’m also married I know I know I damn suck. But I suppose I just feel like I need closure and he never gave me that. Big hugs to you sweetie

  • Katie C.

    I really don’t know how MM and I wound up having an affair. I certainly wasn’t looking for it. Maybe he was, for he did pursue me hard. He said the most wonderful things to me and made me feel alive for the first time in many years of being single and guarded. He said he’d never had an affair before, and I do think that’s true. Our affair was hot and heavy. He was amazing. Contacted me at every chance he could, always made plans for our next rendezvous. I was love bombed hard.

    Then out of the clear blue a week ago, he did a 180. First the phone calls stopped, then the texting. I didn’t press the issue because I refuse to chase, but I’ve been beyond devastated. We ran into each other last night. He hugged me and said he’d been busy and stressed out at work,but he was acting VERY different towards me. Obviously not into me anymore. I have no idea what happened.

    I’m crying all the time and can’t eat. I feel rejected. I just need to hear from him that it wasn’t anything against me personally but just that he got guilt feelings and wants to stay faithful to his wife (?) I honestly don’t think there’s a new other woman because he was very afraid of being caught by his wife.

    He CONSTANTLY threw me compliments during our time. Even said I was the total package. Our short-lived affair was fun and amazing and intense. Then suddenly, poof, it was over with no real explanation. I at least deserved that. He did text me yesterday and asked if I was ok. I said I was doing pretty well when in reality, I’m a complete mess. I want to unleash my fury and remind him of how he said he would always cherish me and never hurt me. But I’m taking the high road and being that strong, independent woman he fell for. I refuse to fall apart on him, but I’m totally dying inside and don’t know how to cope. Mad at myself for getting tangled up in this to begin with. But Lord knows I miss him and don’t know how to shut off these feelings. I feel like I just need to hear from him “why?” I don’t dare initiate contact with him, so I find myself sitting around waiting. Planning my lunch schedule around his because that’s when he used to call. Sick I know! Please talk sense into me. I’ve turned down countless men over the years, but this MM broke through every barrier, and I fell hard and now feel i will never recapture those feelings for anyone else. I also feel like yesterday’s garbage the way he so easily threw me away.

    • Tricia

      Katie C. I so relate to your story I wasn’t looking for affair either I never thought i’ll be with somebody husband and settle for crumbs what the hell wrong with me ? But girl that man is in my system and I don’t know how to cut him loose and I use to didn’t tell him how I feel but I do now the hell with it I can’t share this with nobody else . I do think guilt of having a affair get to them and they pull away or the wife start thinking something so they break away I been off and on with my MM for 7 yes mainly because I hate to say he is easy to be with when he with me I feel so good then he leave and I start to feel used and stupid and alone .And funny part is I feel like if I date another man I’m cheating crazy ain’t it ? I can be mad at him because I knew he was married but I want him so bad and I was coming out of a bad relationship and dealing with a lot of personal issues and he was my rock he is everything I want in a man . And I to plan my schedule to be with him I try to N/C it never last long I always cave it so swear I think he has a spell on me crazy I know . But we cannot help who we fall in love with even if he married with children we know it’s wrong we live with the shame and guilt too . Don’t be hard on yourself remember they invited Us into their world ! All affairs has a slow deaf and everything will eventually work it’s self out .Stay Strong !!

      • Katie C.

        Thank you for your response. Sorry you’re going through this too. It sucks, and I don’t know which way to turn. Going from constant contact to nothing has been devastating, and I don’t even know what happened. He could have at least given me an explanation instead of leaving me wondering wth happened. I know the affair was wrong, but he pursued me so hard and broke me down and said and did all the right things. But he has turned into a real loser the way he cut all ties with no warning. I’m guessing he started feeling guilty and went no contact with me. I’m doing the same with him. I refuse to text or call. I will see him in a couple of weeks due to an event we are both attending. I’m hoping by then I’ll be “over it.” I don’t plan to talk to him unless he talks to me first. This is so unreal and so hurtful, but I played with fire and got burned. I should have resisted his sweet talk, and I honestly tried, but he worked some kind of magic on me. I’m just an anxious mess and miss how we were and don’t understand this. I guess time will heal 💔

        • Tricia

          Katie C. I remember the first time my M,M stop contact with and pulled a disappearing I went crazy I was a mess ! He was gone for about 1 month or longer ? All my hurt turned to anger and I text him In the middle of the night and told him a piece of my mind ! He remembered me then ! That when I knew I was disposable the other woman where he felt he didn’t owe me nothing I I also think to that in some cases that the Married Man start to develop feelings for us and they know they cannot afford to have real feelings for Us because their married so they just stop everything without a word nothing ! See we are just supposed to be the good time ladies fantasy not reality . I say this because Katie your friend so not done with U .U made him feel alive again and good about himself .He knows how U feel about him he felt your energy when he hugged U .Being with a M.M is like being on a rollercoaster it’s fun and exciting but make U sick ? But yet we continue to ride it crazy .. I’m so glad I found this site because I had really nobody to talk to because of shame and people judging me I felted like I was alone reading these ladies stories let me know I’m not alone .Katie C .U aren’t alone never feel shamed for your discision to deal with a married man we are only human nobody perfect . P.S don’t try to understand the married man because U will never really know what go on with them. Just deal with your own well being and Sanity ! Good luck Girl .

  • Maggie

    For those who have successfully recovered from the married man affair how long did it take you? This is three weeks no contact. His decision. They are working things out. I feel like I’m dying.

    • Marie

      Mine called it off 6 weeks ago… same thing working things out with the wife. So no contact since then. This is after a 3 year affair and the last 6 months of trying but failing at the no contact thing. The first two weeks were absolute hell but I am so much better now. I still think about him a lot but every day it gets easier. I doubt that there is a rule in terms of time to heal as everyone is different as is their situation. In the beginning it was minute by minute, then hour by hour then day by day and before you know it a week has gone by. Time does heal. Just hang in there. The no contact thing does work. You can do it.

      • Maggie

        It’s definitely a roller coaster of emotions. I’m all over the place. And even if he comes back I feel like I would be taking a huge risk that he would do it again.

    • PeggySue

      Hi Maggie,
      In my experience (I’ve posted about my experience several times below) and also what Tammy wrote below are two experiences that explain our recovery processes which I think are similar. Others here who have had their MM end it, mostly say it just takes time and that NC works.

      Again, I can only speak for myself, but I noticed that Tammy had very similar realizations as I had once we finally opened our eyes and got tired of the situation. I refer to it as thinking like a ‘man’ or at least these men.

      We grew tired of not being a priority, realized their actions proved that we really didn’t matter much to them (versus the words that some got – I really did not). When we stepped back and thought objectively (rather than with our emotions) we realized that if we were truly important and loved, then they wouldn’t want us only as the side chick. If you aren’t at that point yet, if you are still believing that this affair is ‘different’, that this MM is meant to be with me, that he will eventually realize he is happier with me etc., then it’s rough. That was exactly how I spent my first year in the affair. Then, I very slowly started to realize that he was perfectly happy living 2 lives. What he wanted was his “real life” with me on the side. I actually don’t blame him; it’s a great setup for him, and I *allowed* it.

      I could only tolerate that for about a year, and then I went NC for 4 months. We started up again for a very short time (I contacted him), and that time it was on my terms. My heart was barely in it that point. I mainly started again so I could treat him badly to show I didn’t care (immature I know) barely making time for him; not answering his calls, definitely not showing the same feelings that I shown had previously because I didn’t have those feelings any longer. I actually told him that our feelings were finally in-line; that I cared about him, as much as he cared about me. I then realized that it wasn’t all that satisfying because I don’t like to treat people that way, and worse I realized that he was fine with that setup too! That is when I cut all contact, and that was 6 months ago. It wasn’t even a conversation. I stopped taking his calls really. His final voicemail/text to me said that he wouldn’t bother me again, and that was it. He was too selfish to ever end it himself, and he’s too stubborn/proud to EVER contact me, so that’s how it ended.

      And, I hate to say it, but if you MM ended your affair….then that says it all. Your MM actually wants to work on his marriage. My MM was perfectly happy to stay in our affair until “I had enough, or he got caught” and those were HIS WORDS when I asked how long this was going to go on. I mean really, how low did my self respect have to go? Looking back, I know I was a total fool, but I’m happy that I finally woke up.

      I hope this helps you, and I wish you the best.

      • Susan

        Peggy Sue,

        Your story sounds so much like mine. The thinking this is different, we are “special” – we have this magical connection that will eventually work out to where we ride off into the sunset together. Did not happen. And the more I wanted real concrete answers – the more he started to pull away. I was actually going to sell my house and move to his state. I cannot even imagine where I would be now had I done that. Very depressed, lonely, and probably drunk (I am a recovering alcoholic). He told me to wait on moving, etc. He said “We’ll get you up here somehow”. But he was not talking about “us” being together. He was talking about me moving up there so we could continue the affair and I would just be closer. You know so he could come have sex with me on his lunch hour and stuff. Ugh. It sickens me how hung up on him I got. And how much I was believing the bs that we would actually end up together. We knew each other from high school so that stung even more. I felt like I could really trust him. Since I had known him so long. It was ALL crap. It was all for sex. I am glad I told his wife and they split up. When I did that he told me in an email that he “hated my guts”. Well that’s fine. I am over it now and only feel anger and shame. I miss what I “thought” I had. I miss the con artist that lied to me on a daily basis telling me how great I was, how sexy and smart I was, how we were so great together and most of all – how NOBODY knew me like he did. That was really what got to me. He was messing with my mind. He told me that nobody on this earth could read my mind except him. That he could literally read my mind! It is crazy making. And it will make you feel like a piece of dirt when they eventually let go (and it is very easy for them to do that – because they just go back home to the family). I think they are all serial cheaters and just find someone else.

    • Susan

      It has taken me about a year. I hung on though. I wish that I had just cut it off clean last July when we broke up. But I still emailed, texted. I wouldn’t let go. You will get over it. I tried to commit suicide in 1995 over a break up. I survived and got over him and barely remember what he looks like now. Don’t ruin the rest of your life over this. You CAN get over him. I think we all crave excitement in our lives and affairs are very “exciting”. It’s all hot sex, fun texts and emails. But the reality of it is – it’s not real. Sounds cliche but focus on yourself and building your own life. Meet someone else.

      • Maggie

        I haven’t made any contact. The wife found out and he ended it over the phone with her present. I am severely depressed. Just struggling day by day.

        • Tricia

          Maggie . None of this is your problem it’s his ! Chance are the wife been knew It’s her husband she know and In most cases the wife knows she just deal with it until she cannot believe it or not she is a victim too some women be long suffering wives . Please don’t beat yourself up about your affair yes u played a small part but we are not perfect we are human we have no control over what the heart want or who we love . Please forgive yourself seek help for your depression. Everything will work it’s self out trust in God ! Prayers .

    • PeggySue

      Something to think about ladies. I’ve read many articles that say that for the MM it’s not about how they feel about us, as much as the way that WE make THEM feel. I know that I adored my MM, just like everyone here did. I treated him kindly, with respect, compassion, and with consideration. He said to me on two different occasions that he “felt like a king when he was with me”. Believe me laides, I did not do ANYTHING other than treat him like a human being (his wife treats him like a child) and STILL, he prefers to stay married.
      Men will leave if they are truly unhappy at home and are truly in love with the OW. That is very rare; we all know the statistics on that. Most divorces are initiated by the wives. These men are just cheaters.

      • Susan

        This is 100% true. I adored my MM. Told him constantly how gorgeous he was, what a great body he had, how great he was in bed. On and on and on. I got tired of it. I wanted a normal relationship. It got to where all I felt like was his cheer leader and sex toy. And, honestly that is what I was to him. I have no idea how his wife treats him/treated him. I know very little about her except what I have seen on her Twitter which I still stalk. She is a high level recruiter and makes alot of money. They live in a 4400 SF house on 9 acres in NC. She comes from family money. He was a minor league baseball player when they met and he was also engaged to someone else when they met. So yeah, he cheated on his fiance with his now wife. He was known in high school as a total player and dated everybody and anybody and then some. So he has a huge ego. He went totally bald his sophomore year in college and he told me that “crushed his confidence”. So vain. He is very good looking and has a great body so he will find someone else I am sure of it. Probably already has. Makes me sick. I think his wife was probably more “insulted” that he would dare cheat on her than hurt. From her recent Twitter posts she is full of jokes, laughing and talking about her great life.

      • Laura

        Peggy! You have hit the nail on the head! I’ve struggled, and still am struggling a bit about this whole situation. The first time we met up, we only kissed. We went on a walk, and just laid watching the stars (sounds so gay! But at the time it felt amazing) then the days after he kept messaging me telling me he couldn’t believe how I made him feel. He felt wanted and needed. Said the way i kissed him was something else, like I longed for him and it was passionate. The more I think of it, the more I realise he was using me for excitement. I get marriages turn boring, my 2 proper relationships turned boring so I get it. He was stuck (still is stuck) in a rut with his wife. Typical wake up, work, home, bed etc. But with me I gave him the excitement he was so needing and wanted. Because for me I had feelings, so every chance I got to show him I was falling for him I gave it to him on a plate. I can’t believe how stupid I was, and still am. I haven’t met up with him since last time. I so want to, but I’m being strong. I deserve better than being used. He doesn’t want me, he just NEEDS me to feed his ego, make him feel wanted and great and I won’t give him the satisfaction. It’s my turn to feel wanted and loved properly.

  • Tammy

    Pancake, I know your plight far too well!! Mine is on 3yrs now n I have now finally ended it, he will come again soon I know it but this time will be different. His actions n words have never matched, obviously to just pull me back in he’d say what he thought I needed to hear. I ended it 2yrs ago n was doing well on my own, only after a few months he came to me n stated I was his world n he wanted to make changes. Took him 6 months to try n even talk to his wife nothing happened, he even went away on vacation wt her after telling her. I stopped contact again, month later shows up stating he moved out. That last only the weekend he moved back! Again no contact n he shows up n even gave me a date of him moving out, that date came n went wt nothing! Again he shows up at my door month half later wt no contact again n has moved in wt a coworker, stupid me listened. It’s 7 months later n he hadn’t filed n spends ample time wt her, her older kids n their toddler , I woke up!!! I realize he was trying to make whoever he was in front of happy, never any real follow through as he stated he wanted to devote his life to me…I was an idiot!! His wife controls him wt the kids n he has no back bone!! I was always an option not a priority….it’s been over 2 months n I have not seen him but maybe a text her or there but no substance n I am very distant. He so wanted to see me n continue this charade n keep his family happy. He texted me another lie 2 weeks ago of how he was waiting on paper work in the mail to file for divorce. I don’t believe him or in him, I’ve had weak moments n wanted to contact or see him but afterwards I am so thankful I haven’t. I wrote myself emails to remind me of his faults n all the lies n how he’s made me feel. The 3 yrs of wasted time n missing out on great guys because I longed for him, stupid me!!! Ladies, texting causes a false intimacy!! I read back through texts as we all do n it was him telling me about what he was doing for the day wt his family n asking me what I was doing. He lives less than a few miles from me!!! If he wanted to be wt me he could be, he chooses not!! His car is in their driveway again after a few months ago he says he was getting his own apartment, even sent me flowers! They want what they can’t have!! Come to find out now that I let go I’ve given a few other single good guys a chance n guess what I am a prize!!!! I’ve started dating n I don’t think of him often but when I do I remind myself that my life wt him would be ruled by her even if she is his ex or not n by her kids!! What kind of life is that!? He is not available emotionally, physically or financially!! He doesn’t care how he hurts me….ladies write to yourself to remind how you much anxiety they give you n all the lies they tell you n their family! We can’t be totally honest wt those we love either because of their lies n situation they choose not to change. There are men as one pointed out prior that will move mountains for us but these MM are so into themselves!! I am sad at times n use to feel so depressed I’d sleep my weekends away but now I am angry, not in a vengeful way but pity also. I personally feel he’s playing another girl right now cause he can’t be alone! He’ll come around soon I know thinking I’ll miss him take him back as in the past, they think they can do anything to us n return! Remember statics say only 5% work out wt MM n 99% of them will cheat again n only 30% of the 5% who leave for the other women can make that relationship work…very low statics ladies!! Our hearts want what they want I know but write yourselves the truths n read it when you want to contact them. I feel so stupid wt things but I’ve learned from this!! Don’t beat yourselves up but be good to yourselves n know we all deserve better n more!!!! Pancake n ladies hang in there n try to move on!!

  • Sara

    My MM is 20 years older but at worst he was my boss. He was divorced from first marriage and (little did I know) seeing someone in a different state. Which turned into engagement and marriage which when he met me he knew he’d end up marrying her. It’s so much worse that he’s been with me since the first day of his marriage. She has money, he gets to live in 2 different states with 2 different lives. How convienent? And once I found out I accepted it… which I’m ashamed of but loved him and -as we mostly do- think if we wait for them they’ll be all ours one day. Well 3 1/2 years later of never meeting my family or going to events as a couple and barely meeting friends he slowly turned into someone else just did not treat me the same, everything was on his terms. Barely said he missed me as much. Narcissistic i guess really… but yet I still believe I love him. I’m sure the guilt caught up to him and he took it out on me.. So many men want my attention and we’ve stopped seeing eachother but honestly has only been a few weeks but I miss him and want to reach out so bad.. I know I deserve better and there’s a rainbow at the end of the road but I’m hurting and the fact I still see him 1-2 times a week is even worse.

  • Shells~~

    I have been coming to this site (trolling I guess you’d call it…lol) for about a week now. This site and all of your comments are helping me, and wow, your stories have hit so close to home for me! I came in contact with my MM at a reunion two Summers ago. We did not even know each other in high school because we never had classes together and he joined our class late, our Junior year, and then graduated with us……. I knew of him, but did not know him personally, if that makes sense. He “hung out” with me a bit while I was catching up with my closer friends at the reunion and I thought he was sweet and cute in an adorable, quiet, nerdy kinda way. He lives in a different town, a couple of hours away. About a month after the reunion, he started messaging me and we talked casually from time to time, and then started flirting and meeting out to have drinks, against my better judgement. A few months later we met at a hotel and had an amazing time. Not that the sex was mind blowing, but it was good, and the time together…..kissing, holding, talking, napping was truly amazing. He is an awesome writer and would send me poems he wrote. We messaged everyday and he would call in the morning on our way to work, on the way home from work, and every night when he’d walk his dog. He would tell me about his kids but never his wife. He has kids from his first marriage and a step child with his current wife. I have never questioned the possibility of a future with him because honestly after going through one marriage/divorce with an abusive narcissistic maniac husband and then losing my second husband to stomach cancer shortly after we married, I’m not looking to be with anyone……..which may be why I hooked up with a MM in the first place.
    Now I’ve tried to break this affair off several times, but this MM always easily edges back into my heart and life. Well I can’t be mad at him because I’m a mutual partner and don’t expect a future with him or anyone anyway anytime soon. It’s the guilt I can’t stand. And the fear of getting caught. I truly do not want to hurt his wife and kids! And I truly don’t want to be seen as a whore or the lowlife woman in this as we “other women” are usually seen. I don’t need the drama at all.
    I have stopped communicating with him again and I’m really wanting to stick with this. I do love him a lot, I miss him, and would like to always have contact with him, but I guess any chance of us being just good friends is probably not possible. He has been texting and messaging and I just can’t muster up the strength to tell him what’s up, which I know is cowardly and probably means I’m not too sure if I even want to cut ties. Ughhhhh…….
    He told me the first time we went out for a drink that he probably should’ve never gotten married again because he is the biggest hypocrite, very insecure (which I couldn’t believe that one), and does not care about consequences of his choices or who he hurts. I probably should’ve seen that as a warning I guess but as I said, I wasn’t looking for commitment anyway. This has been a strange situation all around to be honest. I do feel that I should go to a counselor to learn how to deal with this but for now I’ve been googling sites and I got the “No Contact Rule” audio book so for sure I am wanting to resolve this problem. Anyway, thanks to,whoever has read my story. Thanks to you all for your posts too. It’s truly helped to be able to read them.

  • Pancake

    This is very difficult for me to write. After two months I contacted my MM. I don’t even know why I did it.
    I would be lying if I said I never thought about him and how he was doing. I’d would be lying if I said I did not miss him and the texting we once shared. But I was strong and felt so much better once I went no contact. It was difficult for me and at times I could not breathe the pain was so bad. I didn’t think I could withstand not having contact with him, but I did. That is why it is so hard for me to tell you all that I contacted him. When he saw my message he smiled from ear to ear and that I would not believe how much he thought about me. He also wanted to know how I was. I told him simply that I thought of him too and that I was doing well. I asked how he was, but have not heard back from him. It has been a week and I have not heard from him. It felt wonderful to know I made him smile and know that he thought about me, but I knew right away it was a mistake to contact him. All those difficult/sad feelings came rushing back and then waiting to see if he would reply. Everyday now I look for a message from him and my heart sinks knowing I will not get one. I’m sorry I let you all down. I thought I was stronger then I was, but in a one moment I hurt myself by contacting him. I understand without a doubt why I ended contact with him in the first place. The pain of wanting something I could not have. The pain of wanting more knowing that it would never be possible. Now I am on the mend again. Please forgive me for not staying strong. Your kind words and thoughts are needed at this time. ❤️

    • Katie

      Pancake – been there, done that more times than I care to admit. And isn’t it annoying they reply to your first message then ignore the next.. I think this is down to game playing (insecurities), they’ve had the validation that you are missing them, that’s good enough for them to feed their supply for a while longer.. and it keeps you hooked thinking he’s a nice guy just maybe confused, he replied to my first message after all blar blar blar
      2 months is no time. You need 6 months minimum.. so get back on your white horse lovely lady and stay on it.. don’t beat yourself up.
      Don’t forget men take longer to process their emotions,so whilst you were getting stronger he was becoming weaker.. it could have taken months, years maybe but eventually I believe he would have reached out. You are always always better off letting them come to you. Usually when you are ‘fully’ over them some radar goes off and boom they are back ready for the challenge again.
      I now challenge you to six months no contact.. if you get tempted to contact him again ask yourself ‘what will this actually achieve’ also knowing that he misses you is a nice feeling but tell yourself he misses you anyway and why wouldn’t he miss you lovely lady.
      In the meantime continue to be your beautiful self, stay strong and in 6 months from now you’ll be even stronger to the point where you won’t even want to contact him. And if you never hear from him again?? Well who’s loss is that ??
      Hope this helps. I’m trying to listen to my advise as well. Ha.

    • PeggySue

      Pancake,
      Please stop being so hard on yourself. I’m sure we’ve all done what you did; at least I have – numerous times. You didn’t let us down, yes maybe you let yourself down a little bit, but we all understand that feeling too. Mostly you feel let down because he didn’t have the decency to reply, and now you wait and check. Just like we all have.

      The key for me and a few others here is that I finally got tired of being treated like I didn”t matter. I do not mean to sound harsh, but the fact that your MM couldn’t take 3 seconds to at least reply and say “I’m fine” is what I mean. They don’t truly care about us; that is the bottom line. They are perfectly happy having their ‘real’ life and keeping us on the side.

      In the beginning of my affair, I couldn’t go a day without talking to him. Just like all of us here. I went NC a few times and it was horrible. It was horrible *UNTIL* after about a year, I finally slowly started to open my eyes. Now, my eyes are completely open and I see him for what he was. He was perfectly happy to use me *forever*. He NEVER initiated NC because he was too selfish. I made the affair so easy for him. I have been completely done with him for 6 months now. All I feel now is contempt for him AND myself for being so absolutely foolish to think he was anything special, and that my affair was anything different. Yes, that probably will never go away for me.

      If you really start thinking about the way you were treated – his actions – and not what he said (mine never even told me lies about our future etc. which makes me even more of a fool) then you will move on and be just fine. They are using us plain and simple. People get divorced every single day. If they really wanted to be with us, they would. There is no excuse; they just would. We aren’t worth that much to them. The ‘unknown’ of what it would really be like with us. “Giving up” what they *know*. Splitting up assets and making custody arrangements. It’s all too “difficult”. Obviously, they can tolerate their home life; it’s simply not that bad. We just make it a little bit better for them, *when* they decide they have the time for us. Once you realize all of this – truly realize and accept it, it’s easy to walk away. Not to say I don’t want revenge, and I will get it, but that’s another story…..

    • Marie

      Really don’t beat yourself up over it. As I went they the no contact thing I failed so many times. It took me almost 6 months of trying and failing but you will eventually get there. Two steps forward, one step back… but you still get there. Katie made a really valid observation… these guys definitely have this radar thing. I swear it was this way for me… as soon as I was in a better place/almost ok with the whole thing he would contact me. And those were the times I’d fall right back into the rut, repeating the same mistakes, feeling the same crappy feelings but one day it just seemed to click. I honestly don’t know what it was but it happened. Clearly I still think about him but not the same way anymore. That painful longing is mostly gone. Time truly heals. I’m not 100%. I still read this blog and it helps remind me but one day I will get there and so will you. Hang in there, expect that you may lapse, accept it, be as strong as you can, but be assured it will come. My thoughts are with you.

    • Laura

      Pancake, please please dont apologise! You are only human and I am sending so much love to you. I also contacted my MM. I invited him round last Thursday…I knew as soon as he had gone that I shouldn’t of done it but I was smiling and happy. Come the weekend I went shopping with my youngest, and of all the people to bump in to, it was my MM…..with his wife and kids. The way he blanked me, as if I was nothing was horrid. To see them together all happy when he fed me the lies of their marriage being shit and he didn’t know why he was with her?? I just walked past with my head held high. Sunday night I broke down, I emailed him and told him it was over, I shouldn’t have to feel all this while he has a happy life. He agreed to not contact me and he was sorry, no hard feelings, wished the situation was different blah blah. I called in sick for work so I could have a few days to compose myself, and spent the last 3 days crying. Then I get an email from him, saying he knew he shouldn’t contact me but he was concerned for my wellbeing as he hadn’t seen me at work, was I ok? I could always cry on his shoulder… but why?! What gives him the right to do that. I need to get over him and he isn’t letting me. I want to hate him so much, but I can’t. I have questioned leaving my job but then me and my kids suffer and I’m not doing that to them. So I will stay till j can find something else. I have lost some respect for him for the way he treated me like I was nothing and I’m hoping I can do this, get over him. One day at a time. Xx

      • Susan

        I think they are all liars. They lie about their home situations. I think they also have still have sex with their wives as well as us. From what I have read on here – and my own personal experience – they are sex addicts. Narcissists too. They all say the EXACT same things when we try to break it off. “Well I respect your decision” or “I wish you the best”. They don’t give a shit. It’s all about using us for sex. I am convinced of that. And as for all this “oh he was my soulmate, we had such a connection, nobody has ever known me like he does”. It’s all crap. They are master manipulators. They learn what we want to hear and say it over and over again. They fill our heads full of total crap to get the sex. I have not had any contact with my MM for 3-4 months and the longer I go without talking to him the stronger I become. The more clearly I am thinking. You live in a fog when you are involved in an affair. It is like this magical fairytale that simply is not reality. I hate it for all of us. I pray for all of you every day to move on and get over them. Affairs are horrible things.

        • PeggySue

          Wow Susan, you described it *PERFECTLY*. We lived in a fog during the affair!!!! I couldn’t describe that feeling until you wrote it. I called it ‘stepping back’ or ‘opening my eyes’ but that is it….in a fog.
          I think we only can step away once we are out of that fog. I think those women whose MM ended it, are still in that fog and that’s why it’s so hard.
          This is not to say that I don’t think of my MM every day, that I don’t still wonder why he is such a coward to stay in his marriage, drive by his house (yup) etc., but I have no desire to be with him. In fact it’s the opposite, I’d like him to experience just a *FRACTION* of the pain he caused me in the past 2 years.

          • Susan

            My only real issue lately is that I am so obsessed with his wife (or soon to be ex-wife). I stalk her Twitter. I send her messages. She will block me then I start up a new account so I can see her tweets. It is sick behaviour on my part. I know that. It is unhealthy. I don’t know what I’m looking for. It’s like I want to get inside her head somehow. How did she keep him for 23 years? How did they stay married for THAT long? How many times has he cheated on her? He (of course) told me that I was the first and only affair but I do not believe that. It was WAY too easy for him. As soon as we started talking on the phone he was inviting me to go on business trips with him. Um – like why would a MM invite a single woman on a business trip? What are the sleeping arrangements? Duh. It was insinuating sex and he was totally flirting with me from the start. When I would fly to see him he would text me “Text me the room # when you get in”. Just things like that he knew just what to do. It was too easy for him. I think he is a lying ahole.

    • Susan

      Don’t feel bad about going back to him. I did the same thing many many times. I was in my affair for 16 months. I tried to end it many times. I always went back and he was there with open arms. He would tell me he was my best friend, I could trust him with anything, he would always be there for me and so on. Well that all ended when I told his wife and she left him. Atleast I think she did. I honestly do not know because he has me blocked on his phone and email now and won’t talk to me. All the “I love yous” didn’t mean a thing. It was all bs. As long as you keep yourself his secret lover he will be there and it will be hard for you to escape. They don’t leave their wives/families. And we are just sex to them. Cold hard truth. Hang in there.

  • Hayley

    Susie your story struck such a cord with me, almost made me cry. You are doing so well and this idiot isn’t worth your tears.
    I worry you being ‘exposed’ to him at work will delay you from completely moving on. I no longer work with mine and I am so glad of this, although I have recently found out he’s got a new job and will be visiting my company at some point. This fills me with dread. Do you know the first thing I did when I heard this?? I tidied my desk! How crazy is that. This is the effect these men have on us. I thought about getting my hair done, eyelashes done the whole lot but then stopped myself… and thought ‘even if I looked like Megan Fox I still wouldn’t be good enough’ so now I think sod it I am what I am. I will be polite then make my excuses to leave the office. Still dreading it though.
    No contact is a huge life saver for me. It’s been soooo hard but I no longer cry, I’ve taken the power back and remembered who I was before he returned to my life.
    In my experience my MM goes in cycles.. so please be careful that when he’s ready he will try to pull you back in. This is why disappearing forever is your best bet if you can.
    Stay strong ladies at the end of the day these men aren’t god. They are just normal smelly boring lonely misunderstood insecure idiots and we would all be wise to remember this. X

  • Susie

    I’ve been reading comments from a lot of you (I’ve read this site often in the last year or so) and I’ve been there and done that just like most of you ladies. Mine went on for about 9 months. We have known each other for many years. There was no intercourse until the very end. It happened once and never again. He was madly in love with me. It was a very deep emotional affair. He was going to leave her and he was going to take care of me and my son. We talked about where we were going to live and where my son would go to school. He wanted a family. He couldn’t imagine living his life without me. I was his best friend. I gave him a reason to live. He had thoughts of killing himself before me and I had “saved him.” The only thing that he wanted to do was make me happy. He was miserable in his marriage and she was verbally abusive and threatened to physically harm him. She controlled him and they lived a life he was embarrassed by. He asked me to wait on him when I told him that I had enough. I told him that I would wait. He moved out and in with his mom. We had sex one time after he moved out and never again. We saw each other one more time after that but there was no sex involved and he was very distant.

    I’m saying all of these things because it makes me sick to think about now. I cannot believe that I was such a fool. I cannot believe that I bought all of that nonsense hook, line and sinker. I’m not someone that is easily duped by men because I’ve been treated badly in the past and my guard is always way up. But duped I was. He got me really good. He got the best of me. He lied to me and he led me on and he told me what he wanted me to hear so that I would be there for him. I was there to listen to him whine and complain about his wife. I was there to give him the strength to get out when he could not do it on his own. He had spent the last five years of his life in misery and just couldn’t leave. However, I was there to help him do that. And what did I get out of it? Nothing at all. No, I got a ton of misery and heartbreak. I know that I deserve it. I know that what I did was wrong and I completely accept that.

    We haven’t spoke of his situation or his marriage or us or anything of that nature since February. He hasn’t told me that he loved me since February. He treats me as if I am just someone that he sees at work from time to time and nothing ever happened between us. Contact between us went from constantly, all the time to pretty much non-existent. The “I love you’s” went away. The talk of the future ended. I have no idea whatsoever what has been going on in his life since February. Not at all. I don’t know if he is still gone, if he has moved back or what. I have no idea as he has never mentioned it again. Something that he talked about all the time is no longer discussed or thought of. He still sends me emails every few days but they are meaningless. It will be one sentence that tells me to have a good day or have a good weekend. I respond back with one sentence because I don’t want him to know how badly he has destroyed me. Remember, I believed all of his lies. I thought we had a real future together after he left. We didn’t. We had nothing after he left. I’ve never brought any of it up and I stop myself from contacting him because I don’t want him to see what he has done to me. He called me the other night when he was at work and we talked about nothing of any importance. I would have had a more personal phone call with my cousin or my neighbor. I don’t know why I even pick up the phone. It guts me when he calls. I will be doing ok and then he calls and it hits me so hard all over again. I spent the evening last night crying my eyes out. What is it that bothers me so much? Is it that I was so stupid and foolish? Is it the fact that I’m right back to being lonely like I have been for the last 12 years of my life with no hope in sight for happiness? Is it the idea that this fantasy future that I constructed in my head isn’t going to happen?

    I truly loved him and I can’t stand myself because of it. I don’t want to say that I hate him but my anger is so strong towards him now. Honestly, if he called me right now and said that he was divorced and he was sorry and that he loved me more than anything and wanted a future with me; I wouldn’t go along with it. I would not have been able to say that in March or June but I can say it with great conviction now. Basically, what I am trying to say to those of you that bothered to read all of this, it does get better. The pain and the heartache lessens but it doesn’t go away. However, the strength that you have inside of you only grows. Your tolerance for nonsense lessens. Although I had no choice in my situation at all as I was never given an option, I feel stronger. I feel like I am finally in control instead of letting someone that was full of it be in control of me and my emotions. It still hurts and I feel like it will take a long, long time to heal but I’m getting there. I’m doing so much better than I was back in February and you ladies will too. I know that it doesn’t feel like it now, but it will get better. Don’t let these men steal your power. We are women and we are stronger than we think. We are stronger than they give us credit for being. We are mothers and we are nurturers and we are daughters and friends and hard-workers and we are more than what these men make us. I may spend the rest of my life alone and that’s ok. I will never spend another day wondering if I am good enough because of the way that a man pushes me to the side. I will never be on the side again. I will never be in a relationship where I am consumed by doubt all the time. Hang in there ladies.

    • Susan

      Hi Susie-Its amazing to me how all our stories are so similar. The daily CONSTANT contact…..then nothing. My affair ended last July. I told his wife. Anyway long story short I called him yesterday. It went straight to voice mail.

    • Tricia

      Susie . I read your story and I think U should tell him how he hurt U and how U feel abandon and how he broke your trust !! He hurt U bad and he deserves to know that .Don’t think U deserve what U got because he married U don’t ! We all make mistakes we are human people don’t choose who they love or care for nobody perfect . And I hope U find a wonderful man who love and adore U and your son ! Thank 4 your words of encouragement .

  • Tricia

    I feel so lost and alone I miss my M.M so much I can’t share this with any who know me because nobody know or agree with what I did. He has pulled away from me talking about he too busy working and have other issue I see why people say never get involved with married man because your not a priority just an option the bottom of his list of thing’s .So my heart couldn’t take anymore so I needed closure a Good Bye so I texted him to tell him my Feelings about everything and told him I don’t care to be sidelined or benched for another player on the team and I can’t so on like this !! And what happened I heard his voice and texts start coming in [ Oh No Baby Don’t leave I need U are Still Ok are thing’s Good between us ? And instead of say No It’s not and It’s Over !! I could do it I got weak as always and said we’re fine !! When I know Damn well we not I’m hurting inside . I know better I should have never got involved with him I knew he was married so I feel I can’t complaint about nothing U knew the deal U accepted it Crumbles !! But I wanted him so bad I never and life had a man of his caliber on his level . I try to walk away but eventually he was In my system I see him and want to run to him it’s like he as a spell on me or something ? I swear when this relationship is over In my Heart and mind. I will never get myself In this situation again but this Is my First and last Affair !!

  • Laura

    Update….Pancake & Susan… things have been different. I’ve spoken to him, and I’ve seen him (only at work as I had to pop in) Thursdays are usual our day, as we both have spare time to see each other. Well anyways all day Wednesday he didn’t contact me. Come Thursday I had messages off him, hinting he wanted to see me , blah blah… But I didn’t, I said I was busy and we just carried on messaging. This is a big step for me, as before I would of jumped at the chance of even 10 minutes with him! I’m starting to feel something else, not hate, but I’d say anger towards him. At the way he’s treated me, or maybe the way he sees me. He came on to me after I broke up with my ex. He messaged me first. He was the one who picked me up and took me places, and now he thinks he can just use me when it suits him?? I’m just an object he can use to make himself feel better. I’m guessing he loves the way i want him, the way i really do passionately kiss him and touch him. But I’m better than that, I don’t deserve to be at the bottom of his list. I haven’t cried for 2 nights now and that’s a massive step forward for me and I’m quite proud. I’ll see what Monday brings when I do see him at work, but for now I’m really hoping I’m getting some strength and self respect for myself. I don’t want to be known as the other woman, the home wrecker or whatever I’ll get called if we were caught because I can guarantee his wife would forgive him, it would be me who would be known as the bad one. You lot really have helped in a massive way, and I can’t thank you enough. Just reading what you’ve put and helping me understand things. And Susan, I’m so proud of you for being sober, I know that it can’t of been easy, but look how far you’ve come. You did that 😊.
    I’m praying these last few days are me getting stronger and realising my worth. I’m so glad I found this website. Thank you, really. X

    • Susan

      Hi Susie-Its amazing to me how all our stories are so similar. The daily CONSTANT contact…..then nothing. My affair ended last July. I told his wife. Anyway long story short I called him yesterday. It went straight to voice mail.

  • Grace

    I was friends with him first , we spoke daily for 2 years before he made his move. He used everything he learned about me and then threatened to rape me…I froze…I had been raped at 19…I truly froze. The crazy part is he was 21 yrs older than me and unable to perform.
    I called another Male friend and asked him what I had done wrong. I was wearing jeans, no make up and a hooded sweatshirt nothing sexy. My Male friend responded, your a female.
    The sick part is I continued to go back time and time again. At first I didnt know he was married. He had been married 3 times. Twice to his first wife and once to his second…except he still was married.
    Supposedly she left him…15 years separated…met him when he was 70 yrs old he’s 77 now. Sick on oxygen full time ,medication. I became his helper with pills, grocery shopping ,errands,cooking and cleaning for him. My whole family met him and accepted him.
    I’ve met his grandkids and dtr, son in law. But never with him on any holidays or occassions… he was always busy.
    He refused to divorce…fool to still think someday he would commit.
    I’m mostly mad at me for compromising everything that I believed in…for a LIE.
    My heart hurts , I cry constantly he was the person I called when something good happened and something bad happened…he was my go to person.
    I pray ,go to church and still I was chained. I listen to KLove and started to listen to scripture while driving.
    God has given me the strength to end the relationship, block his number and delete his contact.
    My heart will never be the same.
    I’m in counseling and praying that God would mend my brokenness with his healing grace.

  • Pancake

    Believe me I know the feeling of being torn. I understand everything you are saying and going through. Those wonderful text messages or words that warm your heart – In the end a text message or words will not warm your heart when you are alone in your bed. Our situations are a bit different, but in the end the pain is the same. I wish it was easier. I wish it didn’t hurt so much. It does get better. I’m living proof of that. It doesn’t mean I don’t think of him – I do. I wonder how he is, but I know in my heart and in my mind there is nothing there for me. No happy ending. Painful, yes.
    But, true. Hang in there. You deserve more. Sending out another big hug 🙂

    • Laira

      I feel a little lighter already just speaking to you, so I am grateful to you for taking the time to speak to me 😊. I know I’ll have good and bad days. I know I’ll never be with him, even though he’s promised ‘things will change, he’s waiting for the right time’ because I know there won’t ever be a right time. He won’t leave her, or the security he has with her. I just feel stupid and disgusted at myself. I’m acting all brave now, but come Monday, or even if he messages me, I’ll be back to square 1. But I have to realise , he doesn’t love me or actually want me, I’m just there when he’s bored or wants some fun. And I’m making myself seem so desperate and dirty by giving in. It’s like I’m a different person to who I actually am when I mention him or be near him. I even feel bad if I speak to another male, because it feels like IM cheating on him! How’s stupid and bizarre! Lol. I have to laugh… I’m glad you’re there Pancake x

      • Pancake

        Please don’t put yourself down. There is no need to do that. I understand why, but you are already hurting no need to kick yourself even more. Your feeling strong right now and that’s good. Yes, your feelings might change five seconds from now and that’s ok. Let them change you are human. One minute you are strong and the next you are weak. That’s how it is when your mind and body are not at peace. You are learning so much about yourself. Never realizing you had this other person inside you. Not bad. Not dirty. I can’t tell you what you mean to the person you are seeing – I can’t even say what I meant to the person I was seeing. Yes, he liked me. He said I would be in his memory forever, but more then that I don’t really know. What I do know is I feel better now then I did before. All you need to know right now is how you feel and what is good for you. If I had a magic wand I would tap you on the head and make you all better 🤗

  • Laura

    I have no idea what to do, or who to turn to. I don’t want to tell anyone I know because I’m disgusted in myself for falling for a married man. I have to see him near enough every day at work and it kills me. I literally crave him. I know this is wrong and I want to get over him, and when i try I either end up seeing him or he messages me. I’ve cried myself to sleep so many times and I don’t know how to go about it. I remember feeling like this with my ex about 6 years ago, and I always promised I would never fall in love again because it hurts too much. Since then I’ve been so strong, never let another man walk all over me, treat me like dirt, I’ve been so independent but then this happens and I have no respect for myself no more. I don’t like being weak and in this situation. I just need to get this off my chest. I need to feel like me again. I need to know it gets better…

    • Pancake

      It does get better. I won’t lie it is not easy, but it is possible and you can do it. You are not going to want to do this, but you have to end all contact. It is the only way. I felt like I couldn’t even breathe when I first cut out all contact. Like I was going to die, but I didn’t. It was so hard, but I felt a huge relief. No more lying. No more secrets. No more feeling guilty. I did not think I could do it. I did not think I was strong enough. I did do it and I was strong enough. I believe in you and I believe you can do it too. Hang in there. Stop settling for nothing. That is what you are getting nothing but heartache from this situation. With him or without him you are hurting. It is time to take care of you and get yourself healthy and happy. Sending a big hug to you 🙂

      • Laura

        I’m stuck between wanting to end things and wanting to see him. When we cut contact before I did feel relief… then he asked if we could email so I caved in :-(. I’ve tried so many times to not message him back or to cut all this off, but either I email/message him or I wake up seeing a message off him. 1 minute he wants me, then the next it’s like I don’t exist. I hate the lied and secrets. I can’t be upset because then people will ask so I have to wait till my kids are in bed and then I don’t stop crying. I need to put myself first, I know this. I just need to be strong enough to finally have my say with him and tell him I can’t be someone’s secret no more. The k you for the hug, that made me smile :-). X

    • Susan

      Laura-I felt the same way. I was addicted to mine. He was like a drug. Every morning he texted me at 7:30am. And we would text all day. Then he would call me on his drive home from work. I got to talk to him about 20-3] minutes. THEN we would email at night until I went to bed at 9pm. That was my life for 16 months. I saw him at least once a month (he lives in another state) and we made love like animals. 3-4 times in a span of 2 days. I know how you feel. It does get easier. Mine cut me off after I told his wife so I had no choice but to get over him. I still send him texts every now and then but he never responds. I’ve not heard from him in 3 months. We “broke up” last July.

      • Laura

        Susan, This sounds exactly like ‘us’ .. his wife found out he was messaging someone so we cut all contact, then he messages me and asks for my email. So we carry on talking, and end up meeting again and then I’m back to square one.one minute he’s telling me he needs me and he can’t stop thinking of me, to the point he’s sneaking out just so we can have 5 mins together, doing nothing. And then yesterday he stayed late at work to see me but I’d already gone. I told him I had feelings for him last night, and I’ve heard nothing since. How can I want someone who isn’t even mine? He was the one who came after me, so why does he think he can leave me waiting till it suits him.and like the idiot, I let him. I’m not going in to work now till Monday because it’s just too hard and I need to get all this anger and upset out of me. Sorry for all this, but it’s weighing me down. I need to be strong and think of myself but I’m afraid as soon as he’s messages I’ll be there… How are you now? Is it any better? X

        • Susan

          Hi Laura – Is it any better? Some days yes, most days no. We “broke up” last July officially when I told his wife. Everything stopped. No more texts. No more phone calls. I assume because she now knew and was watching the bills. We still emailed. I told him I would not talk to her again. But I was drinking at the time (I am an alcoholic – 3 months sober right now). And I would get drunk and hurt for him and miss him – then get angry – and send her messages. Telling her everything about all our trips together. He took me to San Francisco last April. I told her about that and how I had gone on other business trips with him too. He finally totally stopped talking to me about 3 1/2 months ago. Said he hated my guts. And I think they are divorcing. I loved him when I was in high school – we dated then. He is hot. Very hot, very good looking, great body, etc. I was obsessed with him. When the affair started up I couldn’t believe how “lucky” I was he wanted me again. I stayed that way throughout the affair and sadly sometimes still think that way. I wish I could have had him for my own. Then reality sinks in. He was using me for my adoration for him. The more I pushed for answers…….are you going to get a divorce? are we going to be together? the more he pulled away and got “scared”. Scared his perfect little Christian life would be upset. He was fine just living a double life. Having me on the side for sex, texting, and emails. The occassional phone call, etc. And then living his life with his family. Rich vacations, running a Christian baseball academy where he was looked up to because he played minor league baseball. He was fine with it. I wasn’t. I loved him. I wanted him to be just with me. I wanted us to be a real couple. It still hurts. I immediately got back with my boyfriend Jay last August. I ran back to Jay. And he helps me deal with things. He knows I still have feelings I’m dealing with. What do I do? There is no going back. I ruined all my chances of keeping myself in the affair. I did that on purpose. I was so miserable in the affair. I was so lonely. I was dying inside. So I chose to tell his wife – knowing that would end our affair. And it did. He won’t talk to me anymore. The affair cost us both alot. It cost him his marriage, his lifestyle, his kid’s respect probably. And for me – I lost him. Even though I never had all of him – I atleast had some of him. I was skinny when I was in the affair. I gained 60 pounds since we broke up. I was so high on our relationship when we were together – I never ate, worked out, etc. He would praise me for my “hard work”. And he enjoyed the benefits of my skinny sexy body. He would never look twice at me now. My boyfriend Jay loves me fat or skinny. My MM was very superficial – very much in to “looks” – always sending me pics of himself working out, etc. And lots of nudes too. I threatened to bust him with those – to show his wife. I never did. It got ugly during the break up. I was hurt and angry. And I have rambled on long enough. It does get easier but I will always have a “thing” for him. I hate it too. I wish I could hate him. I wish I could get over him. I don’t think about him as much anymore. Mainly because he won’t talk to me. I have been forced to get over it.

          • Tricia

            Susan. I read your story too and I feel your pain it’s sound like U and your friend had a intense relationship ? And I know U miss him and U wish thing’s could be different or better between U 2 .We always hurt the who we love sometimes ? Please forgive yourself for telling his wife and hurting him . We all are work in progress I hope U fined that inner peace and happiness !! Good Luck with your sobriety .

  • Hayley

    After 2 months of moving on and feeling myself again I learnt 3 days ago that he’s taken a new job which will result in him visiting my company regularly. This resulted in a 4am panic attack!! I’m going to have to smile and be polite.. the thought of seeing him again!!!! I feel I can never escape this man and I think he will take great pleasure coming into my work place.. another glimpse into my life! I feel I will never be free.. I almost want to quit my job but I won’t find another job that fits my life style at the moment.
    God.. I hate this!!! I actually hate him!!!

  • The Thinking Other Woman

    What I learned about loving a married man goes a little deeper than simply slapping myself on the hand and saying, “It’s bad. Don’t do it.” I learned a lot from, believe it or not, astrology. What I learned from that, and what I learned from books about the ACoA, books by Susan Forward, books about BPD (which my mother has), and books about relationships alerted me to the fact that the three of us came together (in a somewhat acrimonious and some would say disastrous way) to heal something in our lives and, more importantly, to learn what exactly that was.

    Sometimes you have to dig more deeply before you can let go, because until you learn the lesson you were meant to learn, you’re going to keep getting more and more of the same thing in your life.

  • Sophie

    I’m glad I’m not the only one going through this. I feel so angry and guilty with myself because this goes against everything i believe in. I was dating a married man for like 8 months and recently ended it like a month ago. I used to work for my dad fixing car interiors for different dealerships. I worked at this dealership that he apparently worked at, but i had no idea of his existence. That was the first time he laid eyes on me. I then stopped working for my dad and started working at an actual dealership doing paperwork. 2 months into working there he started working there as well. I didn’t really think much of him at first. We started to have a conversation and that’s when confessed to me that he had seen me before working at the other dealership. As time went on, we got to know each other and i slowly started to fall for him. He had everything i was looking for in a man. At the time i was in a relationship that i was not happy in. I would talk about my problems with him and he obviously gave me the comfort that i was looking for. He never mentioned his wife he would talk to me about her like if she was just his girlfriend. She was living in another state with their kid. He told me that they were open into having open relationships with other people. I found that crazy and weird but i shrugged it off because people tend to have a different perspectives on relationships. My biggest mistake was to give in to that. That’s not what i believe in. Anyways, he obtained my number by tricking me into it. He told me he had lost his phone if i could please call it. I didn’t really think much so i did. Come to find out he had his phone in his damn pocket the whole time. (Slick MF) He called me every night and we talked until morning. We talked about his past, my past and life in general. The guy has been through some messed up stuff. I think that was one of the reasons why my feelings grew stronger for him. We both shared a painful past, it was easy for us to understand each other. He asked me out one night on a date and then turned to multiple dates. Our connection was so intense that it got to the point where i couldn’t stop myself from wanting to be his. He woke this feeling in me that i have never felt for anyone else. The first time we became intimate, it was like our souls have known each other for a very long time and were dying to get back together. It was perfect. I felt horrible for cheating on my boyfriend at the time. I knew that i had to end things with him. So i did. I wasen’t happy with him and it wasent fair. I continued this crazy adventure with this man but things started to crumble little by little. A lot of mixed signals. A lot of back and forth. A lot of on and off. He told me that he was going to end things with her once his case was closed in court. He told me that he was with her because he wanted to spend as much as he could with his kids before anything happens. My stupid self believed him. He then tells me that they were getting divorced, and then a week later he tells me that they are not. I got fed up with it and ended it. He came into my office crying apologizing for everything and that he didn’t want to loose me. He had fallen in love with me. I fell for the trap again for things to just continue going back and forth. On and off. I just couldnt let him go. It got to a point where he told me that once everything was over with he was going to come find me…… yeah ok. I could go on and on about all the BS this relationship put me through but it all terminated.The last things he said to me were he was done having to explain his motives of things when he already explained sh*t to me a million times.That he was tired of me calling him a liar and making him feel like sh*t. He told me ” One day sh*t will all make sense”. Its been really freaking difficult for me. Maybe i do deserve all of this for first cheating on my ex boyfriend and for also getting with a married man. I do have to say I still love this man so much and its going to be very difficult for me to move on. I really feel like hes my soulmate.

    • Tricia

      Sophie. I’m so sorry your going thru all of this but dealing with a married man have a certain amount of drama and Heartache .I see married man like a beautiful box wrap nice with a fancy ribbon around it and once U decide to unwrap the beautiful box and open it up U never know what U uncover ! Married Man I believe look for Vulnerable women who are emotional loved Starved or In Toxic Relationship already because we are easy prey for the picking .That why we that give us all that attention and chase us down we know it’s wrong but we fall hard for them especially when we are intimate with them It’s hard being a single woman now a days. But I do know what your feeling. I do miss my M.M too I feel he is pulling away from me and probably seeing another woman I hate to think that I hope maybe he just trying to do the right thing a home with wifey ? He is a middle aged man so I do know I’m not the first and won’t be the last . I to question myself and my morals he is like a drug to me when I have him I’m High on love and as soon as he leave I’m lost and alone . We did I start settling for crumbles ? I to feel foolish I was one of those women judging other women who dated Married Men I couldn’t understand it ? I do now I guess it’s just where U at in life ? I should be be happy he put distant between us I’m not . I do hope U find some inner peace and everything work out for U .

  • Abigail

    I have been having an affair for 18 months with a married man. I am also married, both of us considered ourselves quite happily married before all this started. I have seldom had such a connection with anyone, it was a very special thing we had going, but neither of us were able to allow things to develop. We both knew we were falling for each other but both tried to put on the brakes as the guilt and fear was overwhelming. We rarely spent the night together – once in the last year – and only occasionally met in the daytime in pubs. But the contact was constant, from morning till night, every single day for 18 months. He was a close friend as much as a lover, an important part of my daily life. He taught me loads. Did a lot for my confidence, changed my life, made me so happy. We ended it a few times, sometimes him, sometimes me, and we’d always get back in touch. Anyway over the weekend for various separate reasons we both came to the conclusion it mustn’t continue for the sake of our families and we ended it, almost simultaneously, in writing. Lots of I love yous later, I am floored by the prospect I’ll never see him again. We are both devastated. I am comforted by the comments below. I hope the recovery isn’t as long as the time we were together, they say that don’t they. I am relieved it’s over because of the deceit and guilt and fear of discovery and I want to focus on my poor innocent husband who knows nothing about all this, who treats me well and adores me (I don’t deserve him) but I am very scared my feelings towards him have changed fundamentally because of my affair. There were issues between us anyway which led to the affair taking place but we have done a lot of work on our relationship and I really need to devote myself to repairing my marriage. I am caught in a trap between what I WANT to do and what I SHOULD do here. He’s not available though, so the want part is irrelevant. I just hope my feelings return and I can forget this very special man. He made me feel like nobody ever has, he is an extremely hard act to follow. But he’s not mine. And he never will be. Any advice appreciated. I don’t expect any sympathy, this is all my own doing and I went into it repeatedly with my eyes wide open. It was never going to end well.

    • Susan

      Abigail-Be thankful it DID end well. Alot of affairs dont. Mine ended with me telling his wife, him getting divorced and now he hates me. I still think about him. He was identical to what you described. Was my whole life for 16 months. Now he wont talk to me. The feelings do fade with time.

  • Tricia Hetherington

    I’m new to this I read alot of comments of women and it do help .So here’s my story my Married Man I adore him it’s wrong I know it . The problem is he is the Manager of my building he have total Access to me he can come in my apartment anytime he feel like it and don’t have the money to move .He never talk bad about his wife which I respect he as 2 children .We been off and on for 6 yrs I care for him so much and I’m weak and cannot ignore him long he is not mean to me nor disrespectful to me but he do go dark from time to time .I know I’m not the first Mistress when we are together I’m so happy and as soon as he leave I feel used and lost and alone . When we are in no N/C zone it don’t last long when I go pay my rent he flirts with me all time and I don’t like it because I don’t want people to know my business .I miss him and wish I was his first choice I never thought I would be with a M.M but life happens My problem is how do U let go ? Why do I want a man who don’t want me the way I want him I tried to get another man didn’t work ! I feel lonely and feel like I’m waiting to eat crumbs from his wife plate ! I knew he was married he wore me down he was there for me when my father died and sister . And I need a friend we have not been intimate for about 2 months ! I was thinking maybe because the wife or maybe he got somebody else ? I’m driving myself crazy ! Just need somebody to talk to !

  • Susan

    Hannah – We are codependent people pleasers. I was raised by an abusive alcoholic father and feel no sense of self worth. We are easy targets for these narcissists because they fill our heads full of crap. Tell us everything we want to hear.

  • Hayley

    I was doing so well and today after 2 months he makes a pathetic excuse to text me asking for a ex colleagues phone number which he could have got from other sources. I replied casually mainly cause I don’t want to appear rude.. he proceeded to tell me all about his new job which is now linked to my job and he said ‘I’ll probably see you around now’ I replied ‘no offence but I hope not’
    Talk about taking 10 steps back!! I now feel back to square one and this is exactly why we can never be just friends.
    Will I ever get rid of him!! Mad at myself for replying now but didn’t want to not reply and him think I was struggling.
    Feel like crying right now… back to no contact !!

    • Hannah

      I can relate to everybody and this website has helped a lot. I’ve been somewhat a lurker but have sunk so low I literally don’t recognize myself.
      Hayley it sounds from previous comments like you were doing SO well and are SO strong – please do not doubt yourself – your responses back sounded excellent and you should not be disappointed in yourself but proud how you handled it.
      My situation is a little different and I admire many of you so much for being strong enough to end things yourselves. I tried, many times and just couldn’t follow it through, truly believing I couldn’t be without him. Then he ended it with me, my world fell apart. I went against what I’d always said and tried to be friends. I was ‘coping’ sort of until he lied to me in a huge way and I saw red – his wife ended up finding out as a result (only part of it) and he basically hates me now. We had vague contact for a while but I couldn’t cope with his coldness.
      I’m on no contact now hoping and praying my life can pick up – I literally feel pathetic and worthless. Unlike many of you I’m still hanging on to the ‘what could have been’. Why oh why is my brain so deluded? What was I ever to him? Why did I waste my time believing what he said? What a fool. I thank you ladies for making me not feel so dreadfully alone.

      • Marie

        It’s so difficult to end it. Similar situation for me. I tried so many times. We were together for 4 years. I had the ‘dont contact me’ msg drafted and was just waiting for the courage to hit the button. Three weeks ago I was getting the ‘I miss you’ texts and I fell right back into it. Then out of the blue last week he told me not to contact him anymore because he was breaking up with his wife. He was in pain, needed to get better, didn’t want to continue to doing anything that “isn’t even close to OK” and then wished me good luck…. kinda like a handshake. Damn that stung. I suspect I wasn’t the only one and his wife found out but I’ll never know. My heart is breaking and I feel like such a fool. Is this feeling ever going to end? So Hannah… I’m right where you are.

        • Susan

          Marie – I have been there and the feeling will end. But you have to go total no contact. I know he did this to you but you have to be strong and not contact him. For months I still sent mine emails and texts hoping and praying (yes, I prayed to God for my MM to please contact me – felt like I was dying). He never responded. This man told me we would talk and be friends FOREVER NO MATTER WHAT. He read my thoughts, finished my sentences, we were so in sync. Best friends, lovers, talked daily, etc. It is like your heart is being ripped out. It is like losing a family member almost because you are THAT close to them. But in reality – yes – cold heard reality – they are con artists and narcissists. They play with your emotions. They read you so well that they can actually really know you inside and out. It is scary that these people exist. Once they are done with you they throw you away and think nothing of it. I asked my psychiatrist about narcissist and he told me it “simply does not occur to them to think of other people’s feelings”. My MM did admit to me when we were together that he “had a problem showing feelings” and that concerned him sometimes. How he just “didn’t feel things” like other people. I should have listened to him because that meant me! Pray and trust God to get you through it. You will feel better in time. I look back on my affair and while in the beginning I was so in love and thought we had a future – it became all about sex and all about listening to his problems and just being a sex toy for him. My needs were not being met and he did not care to meet them. It was all about him. The more I reached out to him for love, etc. – the more he pulled away. He just wanted to have sex and have my adoration. He did not want a real relationship with me. And when I pressed for more he pulled away. So I told his wife and she left his ass. I also do not believe I was his only affair. He was WAY too smooth about it and WAY too comfortable with leading a double life.

          • Roxx

            Susan, my journey hasnt even begun, im still seeing him, but the way he treats me made me look and end up here. Ready what you wrote is making me cry as i type. I dont know how to let go, hes toxic, he dsnt love me, why cant i just get it in my head that hrs married and leave him alone? I lived with him at his moms house, lost it to him at the ripe age of 29, im about to be 32, and im still stuck while he has everything. A family at home and me whenever he wants. Please someone help me

      • Susan

        Hannah-I feel EXACTLY the way you feel! I tried many times to end it but he sucked me back in every time. Finally I told his wife and now he hates me. Hangin there. The feelings will fade i promise.

        • Hannah

          Thank you, your words of support are very much appreciated. Yesterday was a BAD day, didn’t contact but felt really angry. I’d really like to tell his wife entire truth (rather than the lies he has fed her) but feel I should take a leaf from her book and be more dignified. It sounds dramatic but I feel like I’m never going to be the same again!
          If they are all similar ppl – are we too?? What person is that? I worry about that as had previously thought myself a kind and strong person and this has reduced me to nothing!

  • anonymous38

    you know whats odd…the wife accepted my friend request on instagram… I thought I would get jealous…but not one bit of jealously came over me..maybe its because Im finally over him….and I know who he truly is…A liar and A cheater…

  • V G

    To all-

    So I am dating a man that is still ‘married’ but has been separated from his wife for about 2 years now. I am battling with the idea of he and I even being in a relationship due to the fact that he is still technically married. They have 2 children together that he has majority of the time. Besides the fact that he is still married, he is the perfect man. I just don’t know if I am willing to fully commit myself to being apart of the complicated-ness that comes with dating him. We have been dating for about 2 months now. Please feel free to dig deeper and ask questions, I need insight and advice!

  • Susan

    To all – I found out today that the MM I was seeing got divorced because of our affair. I do not know how I feel about it. I feel bad. I feel guilty. But he was the one cheating on his wife and I believed he really loved me. I thought we had a future together. When I figured out he was just using me – I got angry and told his wife. Well, she left him. Any advice on how to get past these guilty feelings? I have enough baggage in my life – I don’t need this guilt. He’s a bastard for cheating on her for 16 months. He doesn’t deserve her. I think she is a good and decent person.

    • PeggySue

      Hi Susan,
      I am truly sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I have no advice for you regarding the guilt. If you are a religious person (I am not), perhaps prayer and church? Time will help I’m sure. Maybe therapy (which I did myself)

      I do believe when all is said and done, you actually did this woman a favor. If you feel she is good and decent, then doesn’t she deserve to have a husband who loves and respects her? If she had the courage to divorce (which is shocking) then most likely then that is what she wants. I give her credit for being brave enough and having enough self respect to start her life over (so to speak).

      I hope you aren’t considering getting back with him. First of all, do you want him by default? I sure didn’t. Second and most importantly, I remember you said that he told you that you “*ruined his life* by telling his wife. He made it abundantly clear that he wanted the life with HER and not YOU. These words are not meant to be harsh, they are words that I learned myself and that is why I finally ended my affair. I admit by the time I ended it, I really had no feelings left for him as I saw him for what he is. I know you told the wife in order to end it. That is the difference.

      You made me realize something though. You think his wife is good and decent. Perhaps this is why I want to (and will eventually) give the wife my letter. I have zero respect for her as a human being, friend, and *mother*. My MM never really complained about her at all; in fact he never wanted to talk about her, but there were so many things that happened, that I have a very clear picture of the type of person she is. Sure, I want to punish him, but moreover, this woman has always been jealous, insecure and suspicious even when he was not cheating. She did the typical things like demand to see his phone, call a neighbor to ask if his truck was in the driveway on a day he wasn’t working, but my absolute favorite was when she set up her daughter’s old phone to *video record him while he was sleeping* in order to see time he got out of bed to leave the house on a day he wasn’t working (normally he would have slept late, but yes he came to my house) If she wants to catch him, then my letter has details on how to do this. She isn’t smart enough to do it on her own. I make it clear in the letter that I ended it, and I want nothing to do with him. I hope they do stay married because they will be even more miserable. In this case, they deserve *each other*.

  • Cicita

    Hi everyone
    I started my affair with MM about 14 years ago, we met at work, I was young and it was my first job. I was single at the time. He was different and we became friends, then we started flirting and before I knew it, it turned into a full blown affair. At first I was just attracted to him but as time went by I grew to love him very deeply. He took my virginity, I gave him that part of myself that I never gave to any other man. He was my first for a lot of things. We used to do crazy things in crazy places. We could never be seen in public or just go to the movies or to lunch like normal people that are in a relationship. Instead we spent time sneaking around and lying. He made me feel wanted and very sexy. The way he would look at me sometimes would take my breath away. We continued seeing each other for about 5 years and when I realized I had fallen in love with him I needed to run. So I quit my job and him and decided to move on. I didn’t end things properly because I just left and we both did not have any closure. We didn’t speak or see each other for about 5 years after that but I still thought of him even though we were apart and I missed him terribly. In December 2017 I made the silly mistake of accepting an invite from him on social media. He then got my number from a friend of mine who he knew and so it began. We started talking about the past and all the stuff we did and he opened up about everything and so did I. We used to talk for hours most nights and I am still attracted to him and he still wants me as well. I told him that we have to end this because even though we haven’t slept together since we started talking, what we are doing is still wrong. I feel like no other man understands me the way he does, he knows me very well as a friend and intimately and the thought of letting him go a second time is breaking my heart into a million pieces. I know he is hurting and so am I but I cannot continue this lifestyle. It is affecting my peace of mind and my relationship with God because I know what I am doing is wrong. I’m just praying for the courage to say goodbye to him for good. He still wants to be friends but the way I am feeling I don’t think that is possible. When I asked him if he loves me, he said that part of him loves me and that’s the part of him that can’t let me go. I can’t live my life with a man who does not love me with his whole heart, I know I deserve better just need to let him go and deal with the pain. I am still single to this day because I spent so many years chasing after a man who could never be mine, and after all this that has been said and done he has changed overnight, we don’t chat at night anymore, even some days he is so distant. I asked him what’s going on and he makes random excuses like he is busy or tired or sick but he has just pulled away. I’ve asked him what’s his problem with me and he says nothing, I am so tired of this now just waiting for the right time to end it. Somehow in all of this he is completely oblivious to how I feel or what I think. I am so angry and frustrated most days I can’t even concentrate on my work. I get upset and jealous and clingy when he doesn’t give me his time. I don’t like the person I am when I am going through all these emotions, I used to be strong and not let things get to me but some how I let him get to me and I don’t know what to do about it. Most days I want nothing more than to just be in his arms and get lost in his eyes. The nights alone are the hardest because all I want is to make love to him over and over again like we used to in the past and then just once fall asleep in his arms. I love him so much and I don’t know how to move on, he has completely broken me. I am so ashamed and I am torn between giving in to him and letting him go, all I want and need is forgiveness from God for this horrible sin that I keep committing and for peace of mind. We had a conversation a few months ago about this school friend of his that he ran into and they got to talking, this happened before I came into his life again. So he said they exchanged numbers and got to talking, the conversation went in the direction of them starting something but she couldn’t go through with it and I was like oh so if she didn’t mind you were married you would have been with her now and he said yes, that just ripped whatever was left of my heart to shreds. So I said you only came back to me because she rejected you and he said I must not make up stories, then I said but you wanted to replace me and he said he could never replace me. I feel less lonely now after reading your stories and I realised that we are all in the same situation. Thanks for the support and honesty. I am going through the same emotions as all of you. I cannot talk to anyone about this but I am grateful I found this site and you all

    • ann

      Sara I completely understand what you are going through.. I have been with my mm on and off for 18 months, at first I didn’t know he was married but when I found out I ended it for 6 weeks then we got back together… I was in a relationship that I felt I needed to escape.. My boyfriend had put me through a lot and I felt I could not completely forgive him as well as I wasn’t in love with him.. My mm was charming and made me feel wanted… I told him recently that I couldn’t continue with him as my conscience as well as his treatment of me made me so sad.. do we are over now.. It’s very hard though to get over them… What I can tell you is this, mm very rarely love the ow, we are just an escape from their monotonous lives and we are easily discarded and replaced. They do not value us, tell best thing for you to do is forget him,and move on.. They disrupt everything in our lives while theirs is well protected.. please contact me if you feel like talking further , I really need someone to talk to.

      • Louie

        Hi Ann, I wanted to chat with you as it has been very recent that I separated with MM…Hope we can chat and talk.I also have no one to talk to.

          • Joanne

            It gets easier as time goes on. Yea. I still look at his fb to see if he’s changed a picture but I haven’t messaged him. My bday is in two weeks and I feel like telling him not to contact me. Lol. It’s been about six weeks. I’m doing ok. Still miss him but I’m getting better daily.

          • Hayley

            Hang in there… almost 8 weeks for me and I feel sooooo much better. It gets easier. I actually don’t want him To contact me.. huge result. Please stick with it x

          • Tricia Hetherington

            I know that feeling but it does get better over time I do think of mine friend everyday why I don’t know maybe because there Is no one special In my life so when somebody comes along and gives us some attention we hold on to it for dear life . Stay Strong U are not alone U .

    • Lidya

      Hi, I’ve just read your story and I feel completely moved. Yours is really touching. I have also been involved with a married man.I have been seeing him for 7 months now but I’m completely attached to him.
      His wife and him are still a young couple, with a new born baby. But I can’t help but feel extremely jealous of her. He gives her so much attention and care. Even when we’re together he’s ever on his phone, chatting with her. I feel like he’s only using me for his pleasure. He told me that they’ll be moving out of the country in a few months and that tore me apart cause it hit me that he is just using me temporarily and after he’s done he just leaves me and go together with his family. I recently cut all ties with him but I feel terribly broken. I miss him so much and I honestly just hope I’ll move on from him and stop thinking about him.

  • Sara

    I just ended my relationship with a married man. My gut instinct was telling me he was playing with me and had other contacts with woman. Knew deep down that I was not the only one with his private email. Met up with some girl he said was only his friend, but found out she is in love with him and foolish like me. He got to know me so well and played with my emotions. We were so close he would call and message me all the time Hurting so much because I’m stupidly still in love with him. I’m trying to heal myself and regain my self worth. The pain and torment of this kind of relationship eats away into your confidence. A man who is cheating on his wife can never make you feel secure.

      • Tammy

        Most likely yes, yours too is seeing other women
        as well but most importantly he is married with a wife at home!! He will continue to always cheat if not wt you then others or wt you and others!! Do not give him this option wt you, it’s a game he’s playing, an ego trip!!

    • Hayley

      Well done for walking away Sara. It will be hard but go straight into no contact, disappear off his radar. It will be tough but hang in their.. I promise it does get easier.

    • Joanne

      If he can cheat on his wife, he can cheat on you too. I haven’t had contact for about a month, but shortly before I ended it, he had a really nice pic put on his social media( he’s pretty overweight now) and said that was when I was young and do-able. So why put a pic like that out there unless you wanted to look better than you are currently? Looking for someone? Anyway. It does get easier. It’s been a month and I’m at the angry part. My bday is in a few weeks and that was going to be the time we would say hi and see how things were but o don’t want to talk to him. I blocked his phone but he has email. Ain’t gonna worry about it now.

  • Susan

    I still look at his wife’s Facebook and Twitter. She acts like she has a great life. I guess I look for “signs” they are not happy. But she’s a rich spoiled person who came from money and would never outwardly show any signs of unhappiness.

    • Anonymous38

      I look at the wife’s Instagram…idk…In the back of my mind they have this perfect relationship…but when I look at their pictures…I dont see family portraits…just her with the baby…I guess I was expecting something else…

  • nicole Darlen

    i have been seeing this married man for two years now and we’ve broken up like four times every time i move on he comes back apologizing i let him in.at one tym when i had no job he would insult me but wen i got a good job he apologized for all the disrespect.sadly he lost his job and i opted to be there for him since i loved him much.but he would bring me frustrations from his home and quarell over small things.we’ve been having fights every week.one good week then whe gets stresses at home he sheds it on me.I’ve really hold on for so long i call it quits he uses his friends to get me back.I’m really tired i want to move on.i just dont know what to do since i loved him much

    • Cicita

      Hi Nicole

      I feel your pain, I am also going through a similar situation with my mm. He gets frustrated about everything in his life and then takes it out on me or completely ignores me. I just hope we both have the strength to call it quits soon for the sake of our sanity, just know that you are not alone in this

      • Anonymous38

        She and I were friends on Facebook and Instagram…she sent me the friend request btw…and I accepted cuz I was curious…but than I blocked her..

        Im curious to see whats going on since she’s had the baby…so I sent her a friend request on Instagram…

        Him I could care less..cuz I can assure you there is nothing on his facebook or Instagram about the baby and his wife…

    • Lidya

      Hehehe I know right!! I also stalk the wife daily and I feel so angry at her for no reason. Maybe I somehow wish I was in her position

  • Hayley

    Well ladies.. today marks the day of 40 days no contact and I’m celebrating.
    It gets easier believe me. Feeling so proud of myself even if I did have to hide my phone in the shed on day 27!
    I still think about him daily but it’s getting less now.. am I sad he’s not contacting me? I was.. but now he’s doing me a huge favour by not.
    I’m starting to wonder if I did really love him after all. I’m starting to feel like me again. Much love x

  • Shirley

    I agree with you, Hayley! They will never leave the wife! It is a comfort zone, No matter how bad he tells you! Can you really BELIEVE anything he says?!!!!!!!!!! They are selfish, self centered Rogues! 2 years into my 6.5 year affair, I realized I did Not want to deal with the creep 24/7! He had meddling kids & her family! He was generous with the money & gifts, SO I PUT UP with him!! Of course, old wife needs his income for survival! Done now for 2 years!! Empowered & now wondering what the HELL, did I see in him! The sex was never that Great! Good riddance! The wife can deal with him! Sure he will cheat again, if opportunity arises! He is SO IN LOVE WITH HIMSELF!

    • torn

      Im 32 and ive been with this mm since i was 29.i met him when he was separated. Even lived a of months with him till i found out his wife was pregnant. I moved out but was deeply in love with him. Continued to have contact, its been 3 years and im still stck. He treats so bad and i dont know how to let go. He manipulates me anf makes me feel that im a whore for wanting to ends things bcuz im gna date and potentially have sex with other men. I had vaginismus and was unable to have intercourse untill him. I lost my virginity to him at the age of 29. Please help i dont know what to do. Hell never be with me, has his wife n kids but still wants me there. Always asking where im at, who im with, where im going. But i cant do that to him cuz im not his wife. Please someone help me get through this. Help me know im doing the right thing by walking away

      • Tricia Hetherington

        U poor girl my situation is different from yours but pain is all the same .I know it’s hard to walk away from somebody U care so much about but U need to gain your inner strength and walk away. But I know when a man is your first or U haven’t had alot of experience in the bedroom dept when a man have sex with U he tap into a woman soul she form a bond with him but they don’t feel that way about us for one they have their wife at home and [2] Men heart is different from a woman they keep us for sex and Ego that’s all we only exist In their lives for those reason .And don’t feel bad about being use because everybody get’s used but when U get tired U will walk away .Love yourself know your worth U are special either he I your life or not . This to shall pass I will keep U Prayer . Talking U Guys Is My Therapy.

  • Susan

    Do they love their wives? I also say yes. Also because they have the history, bond and kids. My MM also married into money so they have a VERY large house and live a very rich lifestyle. He told me he was simply not physically attracted to her anymore after being together for 22+ years. He said they never had sex – maybe once a year – and never touched. That there was no intimacy. So that’s what he had me for. I also stroked his ego and listened to his every complaint about work, life, etc. They are bored plain and simple. It’s a horrible thing. I still think of mine every day and pray for God to forgive me and help me get over him. I am sure he has moved on to someone else and never gives me a passing thought. This from a man who told me once it would be “devestating” if we ever didn’t talk.

    • Hayley

      Wow.. they really are all the same! And if they have moved onto someone else goodluck to that other woman I say.. I’d rather someone else deal with upset etc.. that’s if another woman would ever give them the time of day that is !!

    • Anonymous38

      I honestly dont believe they love their wives…if it was a one time mistake..just sex..than okay…but to build a relationship with another woman…meet the family..take him to the doctor-well in my experience…Im sure if his wife found out she wouldnt feel loved…oh also having sex with another woman while your wife is pregnant!?!?!.. thats not love…

      And hides that fact the he’s married and has a son…smh..

      • Hayley

        Men can seperate sex and building a relationship outside is to make them feel wanted/needed to fill a need. But deep down they do love their wives although we have difficulty understanding it. Do they respect their wives?? No not at all. Do they respect us? No not at all, sorry but it’s the truth.
        If they didn’t love their wives they wouldn’t be there simple. Nothing would stop a man from being with the woman he truly loves, nothing.. kids mortgages nothing!! Plenty of men leave.
        And if the shit hits the fan where does he stay? Cause deep down he does love her even if he is messed up!
        Sorry that’s just my opinion. I would love to believe he loved me and not her but I was living in denial.

        • Anonymous38

          Hey hayley..its so hard for me to call that love…very hard… but I understand what you’re saying…Maybe there is “love”…but he doesnt love her enough to not cheat…

          And also hiding the fact the he’s married and has as a son on FB…he makes sure tagged pictures of her pregnancy doesnt show on his page….tagged pictures of her and the baby….

          Maybe other cheating husbands love there wives..
          But he doesnt…I dont think he loved me either..he was just bored and wanted to play with me…

          Just imagine if we’re all talking about the same guy…lol…that would be funny..

          I dont think I loved him either…I developed some weird obsession and infatuation..

  • Lelani

    I was emotionally seeing a married man off and on for the last 10 years, you see he wasn’t married when we first met but I was too young for him he was 20 and I was 15, we talked for about 2 years and saw each other till he met his now wife and got her pregnant and had to move to the u.k a few years ago he moved back to join the army , and we started talking again, it was just innocent until it turned into an affair this went on for about 3 years till very recently she found out by an email with a nude pic of me that he asked for.he had 3 kids and I feel awful, obviously it’s all over but I don’t know how to get over him or the guilt of what his wife must be going threw. I also have a boyfriend who loves me very much but has never satisfied me in the bedroom which is one of the reasons the whole affair continued, I can’t sleep probably or eat ( his wife made him send me a very hateful email and even though I know he didn’t mean it I can’t get ur words out my head how do I move on?

  • Tammy

    Use that anger to let go of someone that is using you and doesn’t obviously care about you let alone those you love!! He will come back wt I didn’t realize you were so upset n of course I love n care about you but remember actions speak louder than words ever can!! “A Man can tell you who he wants be but his actions shows who he truly is”!!

  • Christine

    I was married for 20 years but very unhappy and not in love with my husband. My had feelings for my boss. Never thought he felt the same way because he seemed happily married and very involved in his church. The 5 year affair started at a company weekend function where we both told each other how we felt. I was never so in love with someone in my life. He told me he loved his wife, but was no longer in love with her. They had just adopted an 8 year old boy, so he said he couldn’t leave. I agreed with him because the boy had been through so much in his life already. We are both 53 years old.

    I ended my marriage after the first few months of being with my mm because I wanted my husband to find someone that loved him the way he deserved to be loved. My husband never found out about my mm.

    For over 5 years we would try to break it off only to get back together because we were so in love. My mm ended things in February. I then found out he was talking with a 27 year old girl in the office. I called him out on it and he said they were just talking. We got back together for a few weeks and he broke it off again. I caught him with the younger girl. I confronted him again and he tried to lie his way out of it again, but he knows I don’t believe a word he says.

    I told him I was going to tell his wife and he said he wasn’t afraid because he knew his wife would never leave him. He has 2 biological daughters and one is 25. I would never tell his wife as I don’t want to hurt her or his kids. I was just so angry that he is with this young girl. The girl is living with a 49 year old who she just broke up with. She likes older men. She had daddy issues.

    My heart is so broken. I know I deserve better and it’s for the best, but it’s so hard going to work everyday and seeing the both of them. We actually had a company outing and the young girl was not there and he expressed that he loved me. Not sure why he did that. Guess it was the beef talking, which is what I texted him the next day. He never responded.

    Unfortunately I can’t quit my job. It is 2 miles from my house and they pay me well. I have a 15 year old son and 22 year old daughter. My relationship with my ex husband is great. We are great friends and he even talks to me about the women he dates. I really hope we both find someone we are in love with.

    I just want to stop thinking of him every second. He consumes my thoughts. I pray to God all the time to help me. I am on depression medication and it has helped but I hate feeling this way.

    • Tammy

      Christine, You are hurting terribly and we have all been there n unfortunately more than once wt these men. He’s a user n he will find yet another girl n another, please don’t waste any more time on him and lose yourself more….he’s not worth it, our lives are only getting shorter n we all need men that make us a priority not men that are looking for the quickest hook up wt anything that is available!! I pity his wife that has to actually live wt this man and so should you, you fell in love wt who you thought he was not who he really is!!

      • Christine

        Tammy, I pity his wife too. He preaches at his church and every one, including his wife thinks he is a perfect man. I would be able to deal with it better if he wasn’t with a girl that could be his daughter. He even said to me that he could never be with her because she acts silly, immature and had daddy issues. I just can’t believe he’s with her. He told me I was his first and would be his last. I feel like such a fool. It would also be easier if I didn’t work with both of them.

        It’s my own fault. He always told me he couldn’t leave his wife. He says she is so good to him but he isn’t attracted to her anymore. I should have never been with him. I was at a vulnerable state with my marriage and he gave me the attention I wasn’t getting from my husband.

        My mm still stares at me and tries to talk about what’s going on in my life but I just revert back to business. He can’t be loyal to anyone. I shouldn’t be shocked he lied to me since it came so easy for him to cheat on his wife and lie to her for over 5 years and probably even before me.

        I hope she catches him some day to know the man he truly is. He will lie his way out of it. He truly is not the man I thought I fell in love with. He told me I was his sole mate and he had never loved anyone as much as me. Everyone was a lie. Thanks for the feedback.

  • Daisy

    I do not agree with telling the wife. She found out about me before (years ago), had photographic proof, and she didn’t leave him, and I honestly believe he could do anything at this point and she will still stay with him. I can’t imagine what must go on in her mind, but he told me she had a breakdown years ago and she is not in the best health anyway. She is also dependent on him for income and insurance and their lives revolve around their college aged kids and his mother in law lives a few doors down from him so their lives revolve around family. She has gained about 100 lbs since her breakdown. I would feel like I was pushing someone over the edge. I don’t want to be responsible for hurting someone that way. I feel it’s his responsibility to tell her, not mine.

  • Charlotte

    I have been seeing a married work collague for 5 months now, he is 40 and i am 27. He is very charming and charismatic, ive always been drawn to him. Ive tried my hardest not to get feelings, but at the start he was showering me with attention. Now though, he harasses me for nudes, tells me to go and date other men, comes round to have sex with me. I feel utterly used, everyday i wake up and i feel almost in pain, my chest hurts and its another day of me trying to get his attention and barely getting anything in return. I know i need to end it for me, and regain my self worth. Im just afraid of the long process i know its going to take. I no longer know what im clinging on too anymore, i think i just hope one day hes back to that lovely man he was at the begining.

    • Tammy

      Charlotte, I am so sorry Luv but yours is a complete user and an a** to boot!! You are not a sex object and you deserve so much more!! You are young and starting your life and he’s on the sidelines watching n living through you by telling you to date but wanting to use you for sex!! Please run!!! Do you really want to lose and waste yrs on this creep, you have stated yourself he’s changed into something that makes you feel ill….there are good men that are not married or creepy!!! You may hurt for a short while but imagine what it would be like if it continues on for longer, he’s also ruining your chances wt other good men and possibly your reputation at the work place along wt your position. He’s a user and abuser the way he is behaving!!! Run, run fast!!!

    • Hayley

      Charlotte – run!!! Seriously run.. get out now! This man doesn’t even treat you with respect and that’s the one thing I did demand from my MM even though deep down they don’t respect us anyway but I demanded it.
      Mine was also a work colleague so I left and got a new job.. best thing I ever did. Granted he seeked me out again years later but I’m so glad I no longer work with him.
      Start no contact today ! Delete, block and run.. and do not send him any pictures!! You can’t trust him.
      They all start off charming, believe me.
      Please honey.. run away from this narracist it’s going to end badly, with your tears. Trust all of us on here! X

  • Susan Moseley

    To everyone – Telling the wife only made him hate me. Which I thought was what I wanted. I kept trying to break it off with him but he sucked me back in time and time again with his bs. He would text me and email me how much he cared about me and he would never give up on us. So I fell for it and went back so many times. Only to sit and watch him go on family vacations, have to get off the phone because our 20 minute daily phone call from his work to home had ended, I got crumbs. We rarely talked on the weekends because he was with his family. I got tired of it all. And so I told his wife. I gained 60 pounds after we broke up. I hate myself now. He hates me. He won’t speak to me and hates me. What good did I do telling her? Even SHE hates me. I am the bad one. I have struggled with depression my entire life and this has put me in a terrible place. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to work. I just want to sleep and hate myself.

    • Shirley

      Susan M.
      I wish I could REACH OUT & give you a HUG!! So sorry for you! It is a loss, BUT YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS!
      If you can afford some counseling, try to get a few weeks. In the meantime, get out of bed, get dressed. Take a walk, meditate. I know, you are miserable & DO NOT KNOW how to move forward. Do it in small steps. You are broken away from a piece of TRASH! The wife deserves him! Who cares, if they hate you! They would, anyway, No MATTER what you do! You, RISE ABOVE IT! YOU are a BETTER PERSON! You deserve MUCH BETTER!

    • Belle

      Hi Susan, Ive been seeing a married man for about a year. Told me he didnt love his wife, told me I was his soul mate, told me he loved me, didnt make concrete promises but made comments about not ruling our ever having a future as dustance in the future as it may be. I then pushed a bit of told him I just wanted to know that maybe just maybe there may have been even the remotest chance. I just wanted to hear it to give me just a little something a tit bit in the big scheme of things. Now Ive been told hes ‘scared of me’ ….scared of what!! He is the one been fueling this but when I repeat the same lines I get pushed away as ha has done so now. Again. Im hurting and cant seem to move away from this when its been him drifting in and out of my life the last year. Im single btw for all intent purposes! Im wrung out emotionally and completely drained and so so hurt.

  • Hayley

    I’m sorry but I do not agree with telling their wives. Please ladies, think very careful before you do this.
    You knew he was married.. and the mistress is always blamed, always!
    Unless you want your name dragged through the mud and maybe your life made a living hell then please do not do it.
    Personally for me, I don’t want to give him a reason to hate me even though I hate him. I would rather him wonder about me and wish he could be with me than him have hateful thoughts about me… cause then I win. Just my opinion.
    Plus the wife never deserved any of it to begin with… I just secretly pity her.

    • Joanne

      True. I think part of my feeling angry at her was thinking she was the one keeping my mm from me. Nope. That was him. She has no clue. I’m done and it’s over so why hurt her and her kids? Because I’m hurting? That’s not right. I’ve done enough not right stuff the last couple years! She doesn’t deserve to intentionally be hurt.

    • Anonymous38

      Ive been seeing my married boyfriend on and off for about 2 years…he broke it off with me when his wife got pregnant…but now he’s back in my life just for sex…the relationship is completely different now…its not emotional as before just physical…with that being said, I was so hurt when he broke up with me…It was during the time my cousin died and I felt lost…but guess what he never told me his wife was pregnant…I saw it in a dream…I asked him about it he said yes!!! Smh..and till this day he never talks about his son…I asked him hows fatherhood, he just ignores the question..

      Well anyway i think the reason mistresses want to tell wives about the affair is because of the hurt and pain we feel..
      And the husbands seems to just get away with it…they just get to go home back to there happy comfortable lives…while they lie and cheat on their wives…I just think its not FAIR!!!

      I honestly think some wives know…and they just turn a blind eye…check this out, on his facebook page there are no pics of his son..and he’s the type to post everything on FB!!! smh…its unfortunate that she doesnt notice these things…when she finally opens her eyes, she’ll see him for he really is..

  • Susan

    Peggysue-I actually told his wife because I knew it would end the affair. I was completely miserable. I was wracked with guilt over sleeping with a married man (I’m a Christian and it caused me constant guilt). I wanted more and he would never give me the slightest hope. He would only say “Let’s just enjoy what we have” or “I cant predict the future”. Then he started saying how he could “never hurt his kids” and that he “needed some time to think”. I knew he was pulling away from me. I couldnt believe it. I thought he loved me. So I got very angry and told her. That was it. He now hates me and says I ruined his marriage. I’m still trying to let go. It’s been 2 years since I told his wife. He continued talking to me for the past year but it got very ugly and i said alot of mean things to him. He ultimately told me never to speak to him again because he would not respond. I have not received a response since. It has put me in a depression over the past few months since he cut me off.

    • Anonymous38

      Im a Christian as well…everytime I had sex with my MM…this overwhelming guilty feeling tortured my soul…I was shocked…never had that feeling before….

  • Sheila

    after almost two years of trying to move on from a 6years relationship that didn’t work out, I finally decided to date this guy I met at the gym. On our second date, he opened up to me that he was married. Devastated and shocked, I went home with pains in my heart. (I mean after so long I decide to date and he’s married)? Talked to a friend about it and she advised I give it a try since he could be of help to me financially. I thought it through and decided to go on with the relationship. First, because I ve been alone for too long and Just need to have a feel of a man in my life. I was getting too bored and Lonely. (Too lonely I was beginning to loose my sense of responsibility). The financial aspect was truthfully secondary.
    I went ahead with the relationship. Withholding sex for a while just to be sure I was ready for whatever comes with it. he wasn’t in anyway as committed as a normal boyfriend would be, meaning I started complaining about his communication attiude very early in the relationship. Which he never did anything about. But then I kept telling myself, this is a married man, what do you expect. I kept on encouraging myself that I could handle all the shits that comes with the decision of dating a married guy. It got worst by the day. I knew he wasn’t as much into me especially the way i wanted him to be, and the standard way every other relationship would be. Amidst all that I still went ahead to get intimate with him, hoping I would still get the adventure I was craving for. There were only a few times he made me happy, but obviously, he makes me sad more than he makes me happy. More because I expect a standard relationship from a married guy. Because I didn’t know how to play that game. Just because I believe things should be done in the way they ought to be done. I kept on pushing because I wanted to prove to myself I could do that which every other girl does. I was simply too proud to let go without achieving what I wanted with him. Sometimes he goes days, and weeks without calling me. Communicating only when it’s absolutely very convinient for him. To me, this is karma, because all my life, I ve done nothing but try so hard to not make even one single mistake with guys. I was the hardest nut to crack. Now I would say he broke me. And my ego is badly hurt.

  • Shirley

    Hello ladies,
    I have been reading your various comments. I have found this site very helpful. I was in the affair for 6.5 years. DONE AND OVER the MM for 2 years. It is NOT EASY, BUT you do get over it & move forward.
    The take away from all of this is:
    These MM are all alike—liars, obvious cheaters, self absorbed, & can easily live both lives without a care for the affair partner.
    They know all the right things to say, But most of it is BS.
    I, too, thought about contacting the wife, BUT I would only look like the fool. Plus, NOT WORTH, the risk of retaliation!
    Silence can be GOLDEN! I really wanted revenge and hoped he could be as miserable, as I felt. Over time, that idea fades and just knowing, he is STUCK with the the overweight, not as Fab as me ( I am excercising, lost 20 Lbs, changed hair style, & look good) goofy wife! I would Not have been so motivated to lose the weight, had I stayed with him!
    Some of these characters will find another woman & repeat their cycle. It becomes a challenge for them to see, how Much they can get by with & fool old wifey!
    The majority of the wives need their incomes—was such in my case & his kids & her family constantly reminded him!
    Be EMPOWERED, MOVE ON, & have some PITY for the wives! Most of the wives have No Clue, as to the Creep, they married!

    • Susan

      I did tell the wife and that was what ended our 16 month long affair. We were like best friends. Texted all day every day, emailed at night. He took me on business trips with him. We would lay in bed and talk for hours. I feel like a piece of trash. He dropped me like a hot potato when I told his wife. I was tired of playing second fiddle. I wanted an answer as to when/if he was ever going to leave her for me. He gave me the constant run around (let’s just enjoy what we have, I can’t predict the future, blah, blah, blah). It was so easy for him to just cut me off completely. I was shocked. Still am. I send him mean texts and emails and he doesn’t respond. I last heard from him 3 months ago when I had surgery on my arm. He sent me an email to ask how the surgery went. I sent his wife an email telling her that he had emailed me and I never heard from him again. And he has never responded to anything I’ve sent. It is very humiliating and I feel like a fool. I am so hurt and angry. How could he do this to me?

      • PeggySue

        Hi Susan,
        I’m sorry for you. He could do this to you because their priority is always not getting caught so they can keep us on the side. I feel the same as you now. Just hurt and angry and I can’t look back on anything in a positive light (our talks/time together etc.) because I immediately think “what a fool I was”. This is why I contemplate giving the wife the letter. Just to make him hurt and give him just a taste of the misery that I felt over the past 2 years.

        The fact that he has had *zero* consequences from the affair is what bothers me. At least you did make his life miserable. I hate to say that because it just reflects poorly on me, but at least you did that. I’d be happy having that if I were you. Your MM is one of the very few that have had consequences, and I applaud you for that.

        Unforutnately, I know you thought that by telling his wife that he might leave. After I ended it, I asked my MM what he would have done if he got caught. He told me flat out that if he got caught, he would “see what she wanted to do”. In other words, he would stay married if she wanted or divorce if she wanted. How pathetic is that? I really got my answers from him after I ended it so that just fueled my desire for revenge. I clearly see how little I meant, but also what a *coward* he is. They all are.

          • Hayley

            Yes I think they love their wives, they have the history and the ‘attachment’ bond with them. My MM openly admitted he was bored and sometimes lonely so I think the reason they cheat is pure selfish reasons and why women like us will never win.

          • Daisy

            Yes. Mine told me he loves his wife in a different way than me, not more but different. It is based on family and history and attachment. He constantly says he can’t weight love but it’s different. So yes they love their wives and are masters at separating things and compartmentalizing which allows them to lead double lives.

    • Joanne

      I think I’m done. I’m at that sorta angry point where how could I do that to another woman(who doesn’t know), risk tearing apart a family, my self respect..why? For some attention and a few get togethers for sex. Yea. Great sex. But was it worth all the heartache and guilt over the last couple years? No. Is it worth me fighting to move on? No. Does he deserve my love? No. His wife does. Not me. When I get weak I look at the pics of his kids and think how would they feel losing their dad over all this? I’ve been thru divorced. It’s not worth it. Now I’m lonely and miserable and he’s on a family vacation to who knows where. He obviously was using me even if he put on a good show and said allll the right things and maybe did care— bottom line is he chose his wife. I deserve more.

      • PeggySue

        Hi Joanne,
        My heart hurts for you, but I admit that after over 2 years, I still don’t have the guilt. I was in therapy over the affair, and talked about my guilt over not feeling guilty. Rationally, I know that no woman deserves to be cheated on, but I just can’t get past not liking her for things she has said and done over the years.
        For the rest though, I feel exactly the same way as you. I’m lonely and miserable when previously I was fine being alone. I want the type of friendship/relationship I had with him, but *not with him*. I’m so happy I am to that point now. I don’t ever want to be with him ever.
        My MM didn’t say all the right things, but small things here and there (only when I brought it up) that made me think he’d eventually be unhappy enough to leave/realize he was happy with me. I realize now that from day 1, he knew he wasn’t leaving; I was always an affair to him.

        It is easier to fight to move on once you are at the angry point – which you say you are. I look back and just think of how foolish I was to believe he ever truly cared or how I spent most time unhappy because I wasn’t with him. He was fine living both lives.
        99% of them are.

        • Joanne

          So true. They get their ‘normal’ life and family and the holidays and vacations. We get crumbs. When convenient for them. I had to lie to people to watch my kids the few times we were able to meet up. Last night I was thinking— how often did he ask me questions about ME. My feelings. My stuff. He was almost always talking about sex or sex related stuff. Sometimes work. Sometimes world events. But mostly HIS desires. So. I am keeping this in mind. Selfish selfish man. Risking his family to have sex with someone who he isn’t going to stay with anyway. A small part of me wants to message her and blow it for him. But it’s not her fault. And I don’t want to be with him anymore. He’s not the guy for me even if he was single!! So I’m done. He can go about his business. I’m going to heal and when the right man comes along.. then I’ll be ready.

  • PeggySue

    Hi Hayley,
    I’m posting here as I didn’t see the reply ‘button’ below in our thread. Thank you for trying to talk sense into me. You are right, I know I should be the bigger person and not send the letter because it’s wrong, but the reasons you listed, are what I want actually. I don’t ever want to see him again. I want him to have *consequences*. I was hurt, and he was not. I had consequences, he had none. I’ve stopped hiring him for work at my house/yard and *that* is another huge consequence for me.

    I don’t care one bit if he hates me. I hate him. I *know* she will “forgive” him (she won’t divorce but I dbout forgive) but she will make his life even more miserable. She is extremely jealous and insecure and is always suspicious of him so this will really make it worse. That’s what I want too. I’m not proud of feeling this way at all. Before I had prided myself on being the bigger person, but it’s not working now. Now that I realize I meant so little to him.

    I see her every morning on my way home from the gym; I live within walking distance and every time I go by the house it makes me angry. He just got to go on living his life. I know he had the ‘it was fun while it lasted’ attitude. He told me he would have stayed in the affair until I got tired of it or he got caught.

    I just don’t believe karma will do anything. That’s another thing we tell ourselves.

    The ONLY hesitation I have is that they will retaliate in some way. They are both emotionally immature. He admitted it after reading an article I sent to him on the subject. So “payback” would be something they’d want. Well, maybe I want to be just like them 😉 The fact that I live within walking distance makes payback even more worrisome.

    • Hayley

      Please be careful Peggy sue especially if you live so close she will become obsessed with you, stalk you even! Yes I’ve had thoughts of printing his selfies and sticking them on his wife’s car or the lampposts in his street haha but I don’t want him to think I’m that bothered (even though I am) cause it feeds their egos.
      We have to remember, we think they aren’t hurting like us but that’s because men suppress their emotions so when we have finally moved on thats when it hits them later on down the line. He will hurt when he can’t find another woman to be his biggest fan again and he’s all lonely at home, trust me. This is why my MM goes through these cycles and I wouldn’t be surprised if yours doesn’t try to return one day.
      I think you would be much better off finding an handsome man and go jogging past his house together daily. Haha I would do this. She’s already jealous anyway so it wouldn’t achieve much, she will still stay and you’ll feel like crap again.
      The best revenge is complete silence.

      • PeggySue

        Hayley,

        I asked him once after the first 4 months of no contact, if he knew how lucky he was that I keep “my mouth shut” about the affair. His response “yes, I think about it *every* day”. He is not missing me. He is grateful that his life wasn’t disrupted. Granted, he would be happier to have his real life and me on the side, but that’s it.

        I also asked him if his wife or his ex-girlfriend (and mother of one of his kids) were ME, would they keep quiet. He rolled his eyes and said “no”.

        He will never contact me again. That is how he is. He knows I don’t want to talk to him, so he won’t bother. I also believe he pretty much got over me after the 4 month no contact last year. I am over him as well; *except* for the revenge part. If he called me right now and said he was leaving and wanted to be with me, I would not give it a minute of consideration; the answer is no. I have no desire at all to be with him. Now, would I like to meet a man with his personality traits, patience etc. Yes. But I see him for what he is now, and I have no desire to be with him ever.

        The only reason I started up with him again after the 4 months no conact was really because I wanted more recent “proof” for when I told her everything. It fizzled quickly for me because I knew the kind of person he was and my feelings for him had all but disappeared. Now every time I think of something that reminds me of him, I just think of how foolish I was. I don’t really have fond memories; I just think I was a total fool I was who intellectutally knew better, but somehow thought my situation was different. Ha, I know that’s ridiculous.

        I don’t see how silence is any revenge at all. He has his life just as he wants it. Yes, I know she will stay with him. Again, I *want* her to stay with him. She will make him MORE miserable. That is the only goal I want to accomplish. She is on his case so badly now, I can’t imagine how it would be if she had proof. I know it’s wrong, but that thought gives me great pleasure.

        Again thank you for advising me against it. I know it’s wrong, but I just wanted to clarify some things, and I truly wish you the best. You are certainly a better person than I am.

  • Joanne

    2.5 yr affair. Off and on. Didn’t want him to leave his wife til towards the very end. Many attempts at no contact the last year. Usually me who contacted again. Finally have had enough. He’s gone on too many vacations with the family. Hello! Duh. He has made his choice. So. This time I’ve deleted. Blocked. Told him don’t contact me again. I pray I have the strength to stay away this time.

    • Hayley

      Joanne please read the book the no contact rule by Natalie Lue to keep you strong.. it’s been a life saver for me. Read it 5 times.. Good luck.. I’m 4 weeks into no contact and feeling so much better.. day 27 was a bad tho for some reason but day 28 was good again. Trust Me x

  • Daisy

    I haven’t quite figured out this page yet – have gotten a few comments back from my original post and wanted to reply the posters but can’t quite figure out how to reply. The thing is that I have in absolute secrecy about my relationship for so long that something about coming here and posting has helped tremendously. No, I’m not ready to go no contact but just being able to write and get these feelings out of me has been a huge step. I have been communicating a lot less to him the last three days and thinking more about how I can get to a healthier place. I have faith that I can get to a healthier place and not be here in 7 years or another 7… I’m also looking for a therapist through my employee assistance plan. Thanks everyone who took time to read my post and comment back.

    • Hayley

      Daisy No one on this page was or is ever ready for No contact but unfortunately you will not start to heal and become stronger until you pull that plug. I’ve tried many times but the fear of losing him forever made me go back.. so I did the slow fade instead until I got to this point but the truth is, it’s only now that I’m fully no contact that I’m start to feel better.
      You can do this. You don’t need him I promise. Goodluck

      • Daisy

        I had a true wake up call today when there was a very scary situation in my neighborhood while I was at work, there was a hostage situation in my neighborhood with SWAT teams and shots were fired and everything… it made the local news here. I was TERRIFIED that my 20 yr old daughter was home and ran out of the office in a panic. LITERALLY had text messages from a guy I dated two years ago that were more concerned than what my mm showed me! I texted him and told him what was happening and that I was freaking out.. his response VIA EMAIL was to say that he was reading it on the news.. didn’t ask me if I was okay, if my daughter was home/okay, or god forbid pick up the phone to talk to me. I am beyond devastated and livid at him. I always said he was my best friend but he is not. This was a wake up call for me and I am struggling with immense anger right now.

      • JEnnifer

        But how long will it take till you wake up not wanting to die and curl up in bed all day? I’ve been back and forth for 7yrs now. He had a huge row with her and threatened him that she’ll leave but then the next day she’s back to i love you’s and how areyou msgs to him. I’m back to 0 again. I thought that row will do something for me. Will eventually make him choose me. But no. Last night he said “I won’t ever leave her and my kids” they’re not kids anymore. They’re in their 20s for godsake. How do i start.? It’s hurting me so much .. please God tell me how

        • Hayley

          Read the no contact rule book by Natalie Lue.. start to reclaim your life back. Turn all that energy into yourself and learn to love yourself instead. You were a person before he entered your life remember!
          Full no contact works with time please trust me… i don’t want mine to ever contact me again now.. a few weeks back I was begging for that text. It really works you just have to ride it out.
          Ps: he was never going to chose you no matter how bad things got at home!
          This book will help you. Goodluck

  • Daisy

    I have been in love with my mm for 7 years. I would say that just about everything about us is perfect except our timing. This relationship has given me the highest highs and the lowest lows of my life. He is a wonderful writer, has written the most beautiful letters to me, he is passionate, handsome, and interesting, and he makes me feel beautiful and special. Our sex is unbelievable, but he is also a romantic and my best friend and we tell each other everything. We both believe that we loved each other before we met each other and that we are “split-aparts”, star-crossed lovers found only in literature like the Great Gatsby. Yes, he has truly said all of these things to me and more.
    The time we spend together is everything to me and I live for the moments that I can see him. Although we still make love all the time when we are together, we also communicate constantly and spend time together that is not just having sex. We have traveled together (not much as it just isn’t practical and requires a lot of lying and planning). We meet up and talk and just hold one another, and we take walks together. We buy each other little ‘just because’ gifts. He is very thoughtful and considerate of me and does try to give me as much time as he can. When we are together, I feel happy and at peace and the time we spend together is everything to me. However, it’s all the time we are not together which is the problem. The instant he leaves, I start to miss him and the crushing loneliness and depression sets in…. I spend most of my time alone sitting in my room staring at my phone wondering when I will hear from him. I eat by myself and go to parties and events by myself. I have even taken a trip to the beach by myself for the weekend, just me and ‘him’ on my phone. Holidays and weekends are the worst, knowing that he is sharing those days with his family and I’m alone waiting to hear from him. We are in constant communication but it isn’t enough to make up for the pain of not having those special days together and being forever alone. I long for more time with him and to be able to take him to events, for us to travel together, sleep in the same bed at night (something we have only done 3 times in 7 years together). I long to post a photo of us together, to share with people in my real world my relationship that is such a part of my internal world and my life. I different from spending excessive amounts of time alone. I feel misunderstood by everyone because no one knows me and I have to lie to everyone about who I am. Although I am very independent with a great career that can be quite intense and that thankfully keeps me very busy, and I do have friends, I don’t talk to most of my friends about him for fear of being criticized or judged.

    He has never once told me that he will leave his wife. He has told me that he knows we belong together, but he just can’t bring himself to leave her and hurt her that way. He has told me that he believes in his heart that we will end up together – he does not know how or when but we will. He says that he is in love with me, but he still loves his wife too, although he loves us in different ways. He has also said that he “takes care” of his wife (she is not physically or mentally doing well) and codependency seems to keep them together as much as “love” as well as the guilt involved with hurting their kids, the extended family, the friends, etc. (They have been married 23 years).
    I go back and forth between loving him intensely and getting depressed and angry that he can’t hurt her, yet somehow in all of this, it is okay with him for to hurt me. It is okay for him to take care of her and not me (although I believe he likes my independence and that is part of what attracts him to me, I am likely as emotionally dependent on his as his wife is at this point). We have argued and cried about this numerous times; we have had one ‘big’ breakup where we went no contact for a significant period of time, but then got back together and now both seem resigned that we need each other no matter how impossible this seems. We always come back to the same thing. It’s a pattern we’re in now and we have the same discussions about every month.

    I love him and he is a wonderful man, but sometimes, when I get real low, I feel like he has some narcissistic traits, that he lacks empathy for my pain as well as his wife’s true situation as the entire thing is a house of cards built on lies, and everyone is being hurt and/or lied to in some way and realize how dysfunctional and toxic this entire thing is. I don’t know what kind of person would choose to live a double life but he does. I feel foolish and angry with myself and with him that I keep their codependent relationship going by loving him so well and fulfilling his needs to the point where he can avoid making changes in his life – changes that might bring us together. I want him to be authentic and live his life truthfully, but he just can’t do it. And I wonder how much I really mean to him. If you are in love with someone, you don’t want that person to hurt. And you rearrange things to be with that person, even if it’s difficult or complicated. And those are the darkest thoughts I have in all of this….

    I have read about trauma bonding, and I know that this has a lot to do with why I stay in this relationship. I just wish that it was easy for me to realize that there could be something better out there for me and someone who could give me everything. Instead, all I think about is how much I love him and that he gives me everything in those little moments of time. And I tell myself I would rather have a little bit of something with the right person than everything with the wrong person. I just can’t be with someone I don’t love. I can’t even talk to another man. I don’t know how he can be with two people at once. I can’t do it. I’ve also been faithful to him for almost two years now.
    He recently told me that he still has sex with his wife – ‘not that often’ as he says – but they still do. It was like a knife hitting me right in my heart when he told me that. I guess I knew they did but asking him and hearing his reply was like bringing the genie out of the bottle and it hurt so bad to think about that.

    Sometimes I feel like there is no hope… no way out of this for me. I truly love him and just want our chance, but I know what I am doing is wrong on so many levels.

    • Hayley

      Oh daisy!! How I just want to reach into my computer and hug you. From reading your story, I feel angry and I don’t mean to sound harsh but I’m going to be honest for your own mental / physical well-being.
      This man is a master manipulator. The ‘we will be together one day’ is future faking, a form of manipulation. Like ‘we will be one of those couples who hold hands and eat fish and chips on a pier when we are 80’ haha when your wife is dead you mean.. err no thanks! Oh and ‘I do love my wife and we do have sex’ was a test and he won. Why didn’t you run ? He is telling you exactly who he is! Is this what you want for yourself? You will be in the exact same position in another 7 years then another 7 years. He’s not going to change his circumstances, why would he? If a man wants you/loves you as much as he’s telling you he does he WOULD move mountains to be with you! Men do!!
      I don’t care how hard it is for him, he doesn’t want to hurt anyone etc.. he’s just a coward with no back bone who’s feeding you lines to keep you hooked.. I was you not so long ago!!
      I don’t care if they are our soul mates, the sex is amazing (it always is in these situations), I don’t care if the timing isn’t right blar blar blar the truth is if you were to be found out it would be you who is thrown straight under a bus only for the storm to calm and him to reach out to try and continue his cosy little arrangement.
      Knock him off that pedestal, he’s just another smelly man who goes the toilet like every other human being, you wouldn’t even let brad Pitt do this to you so why him! Start to love yourself again.. concentrate on you only. Block, change house, change job, change cities do whatever it takes to get off this drug and cold turkey it out. Tell that one friend who will go ballistic, I told my sister (she slaughtered me) and now she asks me daily if I’ve heard from Mr Douchebag (his new nickname) and it helps cause shes right and I don’t want to disappoint her.
      Trust me it’s sooooo hard I have bad days but that calm peace of mind is slowly returning and it’s a nice relief.
      To be honest daisy you don’t sound ready to leave this situation yet (and it’s you who will need to end it, he never will) but when you do please read these 2 books, do the activities and homework they massively help. ‘No contact rule by Natalie Lue and it’s called a break up because it’s broken by Greg behrendt’ or read them once then start the slow fade then once you’ve cut the cord read them again.
      But please.. don’t continue down this lonely road any longer. Collect his crumbs and throw them straight back in his face and wake up. In a nice way cause I do feel your pain. Be strong x

    • Hayley

      Oh daisy!! How I just want to reach into my computer and hug you. From reading your story, I feel angry and I don’t mean to sound harsh but I’m going to be honest for your own mental / physical well-being.
      This man is a master manipulator. The ‘we will be together one day’ is future faking, a form of manipulation. Like ‘we will be one of those couples who hold hands and eat fish and chips on a pier when we are 80’ haha when your wife is dead you mean.. err no thanks! Oh and ‘I do love my wife and we do have sex’ was a test and he won. Why didn’t you run ? He is telling you exactly who he is! Is this what you want for yourself? You will be in the exact same position in another 7 years then another 7 years. He’s not going to change his circumstances, why would he? If a man wants you/loves you as much as he’s telling you he does he WOULD move mountains to be with you! Men do!!
      I don’t care how hard it is for him, he doesn’t want to hurt anyone etc.. he’s just a coward with no back bone who’s feeding you lines to keep you hooked.. I was you not so long ago!!
      I don’t care if they are our soul mates, the sex is amazing (it always is in these situations), I don’t care if the timing isn’t right blar blar blar the truth is if you were to be found out it would be you who is thrown straight under a bus only for the storm to calm and him to reach out to try and continue his cosy little arrangement.
      Knock him off that pedestal, he’s just another smelly man who goes the toilet like every other human being, you wouldn’t even let brad Pitt do this to you so why him! Start to love yourself again.. concentrate on you only. Block, change house, change job, change cities do whatever it takes to get off this drug and cold turkey it out. Tell that one friend who will go ballistic, I told my sister (she slaughtered me) and now she asks me daily if I’ve heard from Mr Douchebag (his new nickname) and it helps cause shes right and I don’t want to disappoint her.
      Trust me it’s sooooo hard I have bad days but that calm peace of mind is slowly returning and it’s a nice relief.
      To be honest daisy you don’t sound ready to leave this situation yet (and it’s you who will need to end it, he never will) but when you do please read these 2 books, do the activities and homework they massively help. ‘No contact rule by Natalie Lue and it’s called a break up because it’s broken by Greg behrendt’ or read them once then start the slow fade then once you’ve cut the cord read them again.
      But please.. don’t continue down this lonely road any longer. Collect his crumbs and throw them straight back in his face and wake up. I mean this in a nice way cause I do feel your pain. Sorry if I sound harsh I’m still in the anger stage slightly and your stories made me so angry at your MM!!! Please Be strong x

      • Daisy

        Hi Hayley. I don’t think you are being harsh at all. Everything I wrote above about our relationship is the truth, and I know that I wrote a whole lot of details… but I was trying to give some context and background about our relationship over the last 7 years. I wouldn’t be here if I weren’t crushed and sick about the whole thing at this point. Me coming here is a big step in the process to get to a better place I hope. I have been absolutely sick and have fallen into one of the worst depressions since he told me how he loves his wife and that they still have sex. I’m not stupid and I really did know in my heart that he loves her and that they still had sex but HEARING it somehow made it all so real to me. I just recently asked him to be faithful to me the way I am to him, and he literally couldn’t even answer me. He went dead silent and I had to ask him to respond to me and he said he didn’t know what to say. I made him answer me and his response was simply that she is his wife. What the absolute hell kind of answer is that? He has already broken his marriage vows about being faithful to her. Then he said that ‘it didn’t happen that often’ as if that was supposed to make me feel better. And that ‘it wasn’t anything like us’ because she has gained so much weight, over 100 lbs since her breakdown 5 years ago when she first found out about us…. And yes, he always says ‘we will be together one day’ as if when his wife dies because that’s the only way it would happen without him leaving her. We had a huge, long discussion about all of this and since then he has been acting a little distant from me as if he is doing a slow fade. I should be the one doing the slow fade if not running away but yet he is now acting weird towards me whereas he has always been a love bomber. He still says that he loves me and is trying to maintain normalcy but I know him really well and can sense when there is something off. I know that he won’t just leave me, probably for a few different reasons, but he doesn’t check in with me as often as he did and his messages are really short. I just feel like something’s different now. That’s another reason I came here. I’m reaching out for support because I need it right now. Thanks for listening.

        • Hayley

          Yep they come on sooo strong.. eventually you start calling them out, questioning them, they feel pressure and start to pull away. This is what they do!!
          I sat in a car (on a supermarket car park, how romantic) only 29 days ago to hear the words ‘we had sex 4 weeks ago and I do love her and I won’t leave her’ I remember thinking .. how much more do I actually need to hear for it to wake me up, do I need to see them doing it in the flesh for me to wake the hell up. She’s 5 stone heavier than me yet I’m still second choice, I will never be quite good enough.. The only chance I will ever have with this man is if I disappear completely so he lives without me so i blocked him everywhere (he’s not having his fix of me anymore) and I haven’t spoken to him since, I don’t intend too. We didn’t ‘end’ things but I guess we both knew or maybe he’s waiting for me to contact him. Stupid Games!!! Who knows, who cares, I’ve had 29 days of tears, smashing things, skiving work one day to go sit up the hills and think but I’m slowly starting to feel better. I think about him everyday I won’t lie but I’m actually getting sick of thinking about it. I can’t wait to get to the place where I was before he reappeared but i know this will take time and I refuse to cave in!! If he replaces me then she won’t be as good as me so this helps, if he doesn’t replace me then he stays in his miserable marriage wondering about me. I’ll be that girl who got away.
          You need to start doing the same. The thing with us females is we only get to a certain point then that’s it. I’ve got there… now you need too. I just need to be super strong for when he returns later down the line and the cycle repeats cause history tells me he will but not till his marriage goes soar again !! Makes me so angry !!
          If I can do this.. believe me, anyone can!

          • PeggySue

            Hayley,

            Right on. I “woke up” too. That is the perfect way to describe it, but I couldn’t find the words. What has helped me most is to (finally) think like a ‘man’. Women dissect and analyze every little thing and honestly, men just don’t think the way we do (not all but *most*). We aren’t the ones that ‘got away’, we are ” it was fun while it lasted”. They really don’t wonder about us much (even Don Draper on Mad Man drove that point home for me). They keep it separate in their heads; I have heard and read that numerous times, and my MM admitted that is what he did as well. It’s easier to think they wonder and pine for us because that’s what *we* do, but I’m being realistic, and that’s what helps me (and maybe others). We are good enough to be on the side and that’s it. Otherwise, they would leave. It’s as simple as that.
            P.S. I still have the letter in my glove box all typed out and ready to give to his wife (when I have the nerve)

          • Daisy

            Well, he asked if we could meet today and we met 1/2 way in between each others offices. Normally, we would meet to be intimate, and that’s what he was expecting today, but I wasn’t having any of it. I told him that I couldn’t get his words out of my mind, and how depressed I’ve been. I told him that the way I see it, that he doesn’t care enough to change his life for me – or even make the slightest adjustment. When we got back together a year and a half ago after being almost no contact for 3 years, I took it as proof of true love – I don’t know what I thought exactly, but he always used to tell me that he would find me – and I thought it was the first step in our time finally being right – I’m stupid. He was just resuming our little arrangement. He would have me go on like this for 6-7 years. I said all this to him today. He has always been sooooo good with words on a page or a screen (he is a writer) but today – nothing came out of his mouth. He just sat there and hung his head like a bassett hound. I had to make him answer me. He just told me that he was sorry and that he didn’t want to hurt me and felt like he hurt someone no matter which way he turned. I reminded him that this had been going on a long time and it was bad. He has two women emotionally dependent on him at this point and he’s lying all over the place. It’s bad and he needs to be honest. He then broke down crying and said he can’t hurt THEM that way. Seeing him like that – crying over hurting THEM – floored me. I really don’t know what to feel right now. I went numb and felt like I was watching someone else’s life….how did I get myself into this?
            I drove back to work, I am dealing with a ton of stuff at work right now and feel like I am losing my grip over this relationship. I have to get my life together. I can not let this take me down.

        • PeggySue

          Hi Daisy,
          Reading your posts makes me remember how I felt. I was so caught up in it, I couldn’t imagine not speaking to him every day let alone no contact for months. I had a similar thought about being happy with the “right” person part time as opposed to the wrong person full time. I was willing to take whatever I could get, and it wasn’t much. Back then (for example) I would never drive by his house because it was almost like I believed his real world didn’t exist. Now I feel like my head is “up” and clear, and I now see everything from *his* point of view. How he was just having the best of both worlds. He “kept it separate” in his head (his words). Back then, I foolishly thought his nights and weekends were miserable like mine; I assumed he was missing me and wishing he could be with me since that was how *I* felt. No dear. He was living his life – his real life, the life he wanted. They don’t want *us*. Yes, they may have some feelings for us, but if they truly thought they’d be happier with us, then they would make a move. Period and end of story. We women make things much more complicated than they need be. I was the same. I just could NOT understand how he stayed if he was unhappy. Now I understand.

          There is another “related page” to this that is filled with women who write *daily* analyzing and agonizing as I used to, and now it’s painful to read. At least this page is completely filled with women who have had the courage and strengh (for whatever their personal reason) to end things. Notice the posts here are usually pretty infrequent. These women have moved on or in the process of moving on, and I’m still trying to do the same.

          We allow them to have their real lives and have us on the side. People get divorced every single day; it’s hard but it’s done *all* the time. Ironically it’s also almost always done by the *wives*. Men rarely initiate divorce, and (I believe) they do for few reasons, but a major one is if the wife is caught cheating. Otherwise men will go on day to day because they really don’t want to be alone, and it’s just easier to stay married, and even *better* to have us on the side. If we aren’t there, what happens? They just go about their day to day – right? Just about all of us have gone No Contact, and how many have had herr MM appear at her front door with suitcase in hand proclaiming his undying love and saying they are leaving to be with us?

          I feel like there is nothing I can really say to you because you aren’t ready. Only you can be ready to end it. My affair was nearly 2 years, but after 1 year something changed for me and I really got tired of being used, not a priority, etc. (but you can read my posts below).

          All I can do is wish you the best because no one can tell you anything; you have to get to the point where you’ve had enough, and I hope that’s soon for your sake.

          Good luck
          PeggySue

          • Hayley

            Peggy Sue. Please think twice about sending her that letter, both you and me know he will put up a fight to keep her, he will hate you forever and she will hate you. You will be the evil one, she will forgive him and you will be the enemy plus he gets his wife’s attention again. It’s just not worth it no matter how tempting it is.
            I’ve kept his selfies (lol) and a few texts in my archives should ‘she’ ever find out and come looking cause I want proof that it was him not the other way round.. but I will never send them unless she approaches me.
            As far as she’s concerned I worked with him 14 years ago she doesn’t know me yet she seems to know who I am and what car I drive (I’ve had 5 cars since) the only explanation is he must be mentioning me in their household maybe paints me out to be some stalker in love with him or something. I would love her to know that actually it’s him always seeking me out but I won’t.
            I believe he will mess his own life up maybe with another woman but I’ll just be glad it won’t be me in the firing line. I’d rather it be some other woman.
            Write that letter, then set fire to it and watch it burn instead. He will get his own karma one day I promise.

        • Tammy

          Daisy….I feel for you and all of the women here that got sucked into a MM relationship and is trying to move on and get out. They tend to give us just enough hope to keep us where they want us! Yours has told you from what I’ve read he can’t hurt his family but he is already and he’s hurting you deeply and will only continue to do so….his feel sorry for me ploys will only continue!! He will say he needs you but what does he truly give you in a return? An hour of his time here and there doesn’t quite work for me!!
          We all deserve more and better!! My MM of 2yrs had actually moved out from his wife when I broke things off completely last yr. He made promise after promise and I cut all contact off, it was hard and my heart broke. He came to me asking for forgiveness, stating I am the only woman he’s ever loved and had moved out… stupid me took him back. It’s a yr lateral now, 3 yrs lost and he’s not divorced, his wife n her kids control him and the rest of his family of course doesn’t know of me. It’s the same as before basically, can’t really go out in public, no holidays together, he’s still lying, can’t introduce him to my family or around my children, maybe spend an evening together …..he’s still a married man!! He still pays All her bills, house mortgage, cars for her and cars for her teenagers (yes, they are not his) married for 6yrs, she can work but feels a regular job is not good enough but she has no degree and isn’t trying to change that either. All the while he’s rented a tiny room from a friend and drives a crappy car, works a full time job and a weekend job at times too. He can’t stand up to her and let’s her run the show cause he hates confrontation!!
          I have now pulled myself back from him once again but this time I am ok, he may text me a lil but I am short and called me briefly on lunch break yesterday but I am short again n I keep the details of my life to myself. I just say I have to go and I hope he has a great day! I do NOT contact him!! The way I see it is I have my life and he has his, I am done being hidden and I am certainly nothing to be ashamed of…. my friends that know of him and met him say I am out if his league and says it as well. I am stunning in looks, I catch men looking daily in fact and yes, some are married. I would never dare even to look twice at another MM, to do that to myself twice would say I am an idiot and have little self worth!! I have a career that entitles me to make good money, take care of my children and work 4 days a week but yet wt all of this my MM made feel inadequate and depressed but I realize it was me who was letting this happen to me!!! I know we all wish we could control our hearts but we cannot and we cannot control the actions of our MM but what we can control is how their actions affect us!! I wrote all his negatives/faults down, how he’s hurt me time and again and all the broken promises, how hard life would be dealing wt his wife n her kids and how they would continue to control him emotionally and financially. I read this daily several times and I realize I don’t want that!!! I am slowly changing my heart, he’s slowly changing it too by his no actions and letting me spend most of my time alone!! So ladies……get out and stop wasting precious time and effort on nothing!!! We deserve men that are real men….someone else wrote…a man that would move mountains for us cause there are men that do!! We do not need men that constantly lie for thrills or don’t have back bones and do NOT make us a priority!!

          • Hayley

            Spot on Tammy and well done. When we look in the mirror and like what we see you do have to ask yourself who’s loss actually is it?!?! It’s still early days for me and I miss him alot but mostly I miss the conversation but over my dead body will I ever go back. The relief I feel from no more stress is amazing and no amount of missing him will let me change that now.
            Lesson learnt the hard way! I set goals for myself.. no contact to Halloween, then no contact till Christmas etc etc.. it helps and hopefully by Christmas I’ll be fully recovered.

    • Hayley

      Daisy, you met up with him today and how do you feel now ? Not great I’m guessing. You will just go around in circles hoping that he will end your suffering and tell you what you want to hear. It won’t happen beautiful lady.
      You will not begin to heal until you cut all contact.

    • Daisy

      I’m going no the no-contact route. I’m tired of his words not mirroring his actions. Feel like we are both playing a game. He says whatever words he thinks will keep me without doing a thing and I just fall right into it. Sometimes I feel like he wants an out, he just doesn’t want to be the bad guy. The whole thing makes me incredibly angry.

  • Shirley

    Thanks again, Hayley! You are RIGHT ON POINT! I have been over & done with the MM piece of crap for 2 years. SUCH A GOOD & EMPOWERING FEELING! Yes, it is NOT EASY, BUT TIME DEFINITELY HEALS! You are right, we need to make ourselves #1! In my case, I have seen the old wife, when out & about—she does Not know me! She is overweight, rather FRUMPY LOOKING! No fashion “plate!” Yep—NOT AS FAB AS WE ARE! HANG IN THERE LADIES! We are BETTER & DESERVE BETTER!

    • Hayley

      2 years! Wow well done you.
      Yep that feeling of ‘not being quite good enough’ screw that. He would tell me he was insecure yet when I saw him he never appeared to be yet he had this way of making me feel insecure. The 5th and last time he reappeared I went ballistic at him.. but of course he worked his magic and I fell for it all.
      ‘14 years must mean something’ ‘we will still be doing this when we are 80’ (errr I don’t think so)! ‘Let’s get matching tattoos’ ‘let have a secret baby’ lol. And yes I’ve seen his wife out shopping recently and she’s about 5 stone heavier than me. She might be a lovely person but I know I deserve to be number 1 in someone’s life.
      The only time he admitted his true feelings was when he was drunk via text then he conveniently couldn’t remember . He thinks about me everyday and then only twice a month.. so he gave it with one hand but took it away with the other. My breaking point came a few weeks back when I was on holiday with my kids and he text every single day probably trying to ruin my holiday or make sure I wasn’t enjoying myself.. I got that angry I threw a glass at the wall in temper and cut my arm.
      I have a great life, I do charity events, Im very active so whilst I’m climbing mountains at weekends he’s out buying socks with the wife and to think he’s made me feel like I’m the one not good enough!! I don’t think so!
      The endless question marks that hang over every message he sends.. who needs that in their life!! Not me!
      And if he tries to come back a 6th time whether it be in weeks, months for years (cause I think he will) god help him. He needs me more than I ever needed him and him keeping seeking me out all this time proves it.
      I just wish I could turn back the clock so I don’t feel like a fool again but it only makes us stronger. I can’t wait to hit the 2 year mark again and I plan to be 80 and single than deal with this crap! xx

  • Hayley

    It’s not been easy I’ve had to do the slow fade but now I’m done. Instead of thinking/fearing ‘you will never see or hear from them again’ think ‘I can contact them at anytime I just chose not to today or tomw etc’ this helps hugely. If you quit smoking by saying you’ll never be able to have another one ever again it doesnt work.. tell yourself you can smoke if you want too but I decide not too today’ this works in both respects.
    I’ve been leaving my phone in my car during work hours to stop any temptation, this also helps. I’ve realised that if he’s making me 2nd 3rd prioity then it’s up to myself to make myself 1st.
    Taking care of myself. Taking a deep breath and being kind to myself. I’ve treated myself to a new car after being accused of stalking his wife! Yeah right I already know she’s not as fab as me! Lol.. but I decided I deserved something for me anyway. I pick it up this weekend, can’t wait.
    At 38 I’ve started studying again this is a good distraction. I’ve had a dog and walking her everyday.
    Those butterflies you feel cause you think you love them.. that is anxiety not love!
    Yes I miss him I won’t lie but whilst I haven’t heard from him he hasn’t heard from me either. Ha!! It works both ways! I know he’s waiting for a text.. silly little man.
    It is hard I won’t lie but in a way it’s easier for me to have complete no contact.
    I’ve also tried mediatating something that just was never for me but i listen to Michael Sealy u tube video ‘letting go of past relationships’ I play it before falling asleep at night if I’m struggling. It’s sooo good.
    Also download the no contact app for 99p it just gives you positive quotes to remind you why you need to move on.
    And remember, there’s going to be times where he will wonder about you and be miserable with his nagging wife.. so I say this again.. who is the loser ???
    Stay strong ladies.. in a few months time we will be laughing about this I promise. I’ve been here so many times but now this door stays bolted forever.
    We deserve so much more.. let’s start believing it.

    • Daisy

      I actually know what you mean by this because one day I left my phone at home one morning and I didn’t go home to get it until lunch (I live a few minutes from home) and it was so refreshing not checking it every minute! I know he was probably thinking what the hell was going on that I wasn’t texting him incessantly… maybe I need to try this. I also don’t think no contact will work for me because we went virtually no contact a few years back and it was horrible so I think the mode you mentioned of knowing I can contact him but just choose not to will work much better for me so I may try that and take it day by day. I am a day by day person in all other aspects of my life which is how I got into this, so it has to be day by day for me with this as well.

  • Shirley

    Hayley,
    I totally agree with you! Yes! If their life @ home is so GREAT ,why are they out messing around on wife! Aww! KARMA! It is a GREAT THING! This all takes time, BUT to be rid of the losers, is EMPOWERING! Yep~~poor wife! Most of the wives hang on & look the other way, as they need the income! We are special women & deserve MUCH BETTER! Moving on is GOOD! KARMA!!

  • Hayley

    Ladies have you ever stopped to think that this is their loss not ours.
    Mines recently ended after 14 years on and off.. yes 14 years I’m really that stupid. Constantly ghosting me then reappearing and I always knew he would. This time I couldn’t care less if he does or not I’m so sick and tired of it all that I actually starting to dislike the guy and feel sorry that his wife has to live with him.
    Remember as well they very well may replace us but that next woman will eventually cause trouble/want more. They had it good with us but they don’t get to have us full time.. ha! Who’s the actual loser here?? After all they are miserable and unhappy at home remember that’s unlikely to suddenly change and we will be moved on when they still feel crap!! This ladies is your karma.
    We will be the ones who got away. The ones who they could have been happier with but were too cowardice to make that happen.
    They are the losers here not us beautiful ladies.. so pick yourself up.. sod him off.. things may be Rosey at home but he’s pretending, we know the truth.
    And I sure as hell will never ever ever let him open my door again and that is not my loss !!!
    Yes it maybe arrogant of me to think this way but it’s empowering and it’s working for me.
    I’m now the one in control… go live your miserable little life and pretend you’re happy when you haven’t been for 14 years!! Deluding themselves so let them be miserable ladies.. that’s your karma.
    I’ve tried no contact in the last 6 months and kept caving in but a switch has clicked in my head… it’s likw I’ve woken up and really don’t give too hoots anymore.
    Onwards and upwards come on ladies run.. run.. you can do this xx much love xx

  • Jennifer

    Hello ladies.
    I’m in the same dilemma I don’t know where to start. But I really want to end this. But I’m hurting so bad like I feel it physically. Please. Please tell me what to do.

    • PeggySue

      Hi Jennifer,

      I can only speak from experience, but for me, although I knew I *should* end things, I couldn’t successfuly do it until I really had enough. I came to a point where I was just tired of being second choice, not being a priority, and just plain being used. I feel like a switch just flipped for me, and after a year that’s when it happened for me.
      I have read that in the rare cases where a man actually leaves his marriage, it happens usually within the first 3 months of an affair and (more importantly) because he was already ready to leave. For some reason, in my own head, I really thought that my MM was unhappy enough to leave. I slowly realized that wasn’t the case AND worse, that I was only making it easy for him to have happiness with me, and then he’d return to his *REAL* life – the life that he didn’t want me to be part of. Men stay because it’s just plain easier. That’s the bottom line. Women like us make it possible.
      I tried many times to end it, but now that I realize all of the above, I mean truly realize it, I almost hate him. I know I’m not without fault, but he made it happen – while I allowed it to happen. Basically, I just feel like a fool now. It was a hard lesson to learn. If you read below, you’ll see that I’m at the point of wanting to tell his wife. I actually have a letter all typed out and ready to print so I can hand it to her when I see her in town next time. Well, when I have the nerve….

      I truly wish you the best of luck.

      • Susan

        The really interesting thing about my situation is his wife turned against me too. She threatened to sue me for “Alienation of Affection”. It is a law in North Carolina where they live. I live in Georgia and it is not a law here. So she could have done it. I never received any emails from her but he would email me and tell me that she was going to sue me. I threatened to send her nude photos of him that he sent to me and he said she would get a case against me. Stuff like that. I never heard directly from her though. It was all through him. I actually had surgery on my arm in May and he sent me 2 emails asking how I was doing. I responded and then suddenly around Mother’s Day he stopped responding to me and said he hated me now. I am guessing that she must have done something on Mother’s Day that upset him – like take the kids somewhere without him. I will never know because he won’t respond to anything I send him now. I sent him a text last week asking if he had blocked my email and he said “Please stop, I’m begging you”. I don’t understand but it has been a rough time for me. I thought he would atleast be my friend after the affair since we basically grew up together. Nope. He is very cold hearted.

      • JEnnifer

        Thank you for your response.
        I want to get to the point where I hate him and angry enough to want to leave him. I really want to.
        Like right now, I blocked all the numbers and emails but I’m still hoping he’ll use other number just to keep in touch with me. He’s currently “back home” with his wife. We are both working abroad. 🙁 and we’re living here together that’s why it’s so hard for me to keep away from him. I know I’m just feeling braver now coz I don’t see him but it’ll break loose when I see him again 🙁 I hate this. I go over this yearly and I still go back after 🙁 I hate that I’m so weak.

      • Shirley

        Jennifer,
        Well stated! So MUCH TRUTH! I have done SO MUCH RESEARCH on this subject & all information points to the fact, the MM NEVER leaves the wife—easier to Not leave & use women like us for sex & emotional gratification. It has been proven, that if they do leave & divorce, your life with him would NOT BE GOOD & eventually end up in a break up! Ladies, you can do this! Give your self CREDIT! You are EMPOWERED & DO NOT DESERVE TO BE USED BY THESE SORRY PIECES OF HUMANITY. They are COWARDS & ABOUT AS LOW AS ONE CAN GO! Be STRONG! I HAVE BEEN DONE with my affair for 2 years. Was it easy? HELL NO! But finally after one year, I realized how MUCH BETTER PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, & EMOTIONALLY I was and have become! The CREEPS will drag you down! The wives deserve them! Doubt there is MUCH TRUST in those marriages, especially when wifey finds out!

  • Deb

    Hi Ladies…. it’s been a while since I’ve been on this site and here’s why….I took my MM back! I ended it in Jan after 7 yrs and he came crawling back on Valentine’s Day. Like a fool I took him back. He once again told his lies leaving wife but needed to end of year to back money for the attorney fees. Once again I fell for his lies. Things going well until 2 weeks ago. He left for his family vacation & didn’t even tell me about it. The fri night before he left, I noticed he was nervous uneasy not himself. I even asked him what’s wrong here says nothing. Of course we had sex that night and when he was ready to leave, he kissed & hugged me like never before. Didn’t hear see him on Mon same on Tues then I knew he went on vacation and didn’t even have the balls to tell me. Didn’t hear from him till Sat night, he sent several texts with explanation why he did what he did. Telling me he tried to tell me but couldn’t cause he didn’t want to break my heart again took the cowardly way out and listen to this ladies…. “he’s has never loved a woman like he loves me.” Then asking for forgiveness and he feels dead inside and ashamed. I said to self no more can’t do this to myself. Here I gave him another chance and this is how he pays me back. He hurt me once again. I never replied. I immediately blocked him on my cell and when he came to my door several times I didn’t open it. He even called my office and I refused his calls. Bottom line Ladies please don’t be a fool like I and take your MM back even though you love and miss him so much, you will regret it, like I. The pain & hurt is deeper but I only blame myself cause I allowed it thought this time was different. I was wrong. You know that saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

    • Shirley

      Oh Deb! Main thing! Have you learned from all of this?!
      So sorry to hear!! That SORRY PIECE OF HUMANITY! You are a MUCH BETTER PERSON! He is definitely a ROGUE & NARCISSIST! Hang in there girl! DO NOT FALL FOR HIS LIES AGAIN! His wife must be really stupid! Be glad, you NO LONGER HAVE HIM IN YOUR LIFE! THANKS for sharing, as this will help the rest of us to be more AWARE & ready, if the SORRY A#####, try playing the games with us!

      • Deb

        Hi Shirley…. Oh have I learned from this & then some. Ladies when you do decide to say goodbye to your MM and he comes crawling back to you telling you all you want to hear just close the door of your heart and tell him no more not welcome here any longer. He won’t change, he’s not leaving his wife and the lies will continue and he will use you up. I may sound bitter but this happen to me and I don’t want any of you to end up in my shoes. I’m an intelligent woman but when it came to my MM that intelligence I have went by the wayside. What a hard broken-hearted life lesson learned.

        • Joanne

          I made the mistake of contacting him yesterday for his bday. Opened all my wounds back up and he wants to meet up Sunday for lunch and sex of course. Wife is out of town. Ugh. Just messaged him and said no sex. He hasn’t answered. Why can’t I just forget this guy?!?!

          • Shirley

            Joanne,
            Forget meeting with him! He is using you! He is NOT WORTH IT! Yes, all is WELL, as long as the old wife is out of town,BUT AS SOON AS SHE IS BACK—SAME OLD SAME OLD!! Rise above ALL OF HIS DECEIT!! You deserve BETTER! Move on! NOT EASY, BUT for your own SELF RESPECT, you MUST DO IT. He is a SORRY HUMAN BEING!! Karma will get him!!

          • Joanne

            I caved. Went a couple days with no contact. Then met him yesterday for dinner and ‘other’ stuff. I admit. Physically it was incredible. Emotionally I’m a wreck and have blocked him yet again. I can’t atop thinking about him. I know I deserve better. A real relationship. With my own man. It has been all I can do to not message him. This is going to be rough. I

  • Shirley

    These married men are all alike! They tell us, how much they love us & lead one to believe, you are the ONE & willing to leave the wives! They are ROGUES & NARCISSISTS! Most of the wives are clueless, as to how bad they are! I was in a relationship for 6.5 years. Finally realized, with some friends help, that it was a DEAD END road! The old wife needed his income & his grown kids had their noses up his BUTT. The whole family are a bunch of HYPOCRITES, pull the I am a Christian card & put on a front out in public. If the wives, only knew half of what these sorry men are capable of doing! Good RIDDANCE for all of us! NO MORE BEING USED! NOT worth all the gifts & money!

    • Susan

      Shirley – You are spot on with my MM. He runs a Christian based baseball academy for teen boys. Him and his wife are big Christians. And he makes alot of money (so does she and she has family money = my guess as to why he married her). They also have older kids who are with them ALL the time. It is amazing how alike they all seem to be. And my MM was a total wild man in the bedroom – wanted to do everything and anything. Borderline I did not like it and looking back he was kind of a perv to me now. Ick. I am glad I am done with him. He said his wife and him would go a year without sex – said he would “never have the kind of sex he has with me with her”. ?? I guess she was better than me – too good of a Christian lady. The whole hypocrisy of it makes me sick.

      • Nancy

        If only we could blast them on the NET and let the world know who they really are, it might save someone from the shyt we went through or going through. I So want to tell his wife, even told him that I was gonna tell his wife he doesn’t care. I’ve thought about, but I realize I’ll be the only one looking like a damn fool. Am I to blame for falling in love? for not knowing before it was to late.

        • Susan

          Nancy-I threatened for months and finally sent her a message on Facebook. She immediately confronted him and he called me furious. That was just the beginning of me sending her more messages and then emails to her. It got to where I was obsessed with her. She never responded to me but he did. Furious with me. That ended it. Which was really what I wanted. I was sick of the lies and hating myself for doing it.

        • Shirley

          I AGREE Nancy! You are right—The fools ARE NOT Worth us looking like Damn fools! I have been done wth the MM for 2 years. It took 18 months & all the strength & courage, I had to Not Expose his SORRY BUTT! If the wives want them, they deserve them! Most of the wives know, anyway! Karma has a way of CATCHING UP! His day will come!!

  • PeggySue

    Shirley,

    I’m trying to think of your words to remind myself it isn’t worth it, but right now I”m struggling. I have no desire for contact – not even to hire him for work which again, is just added punishment for me. I recently had some pretty tough manual labor to do last month, and I chose to do it by myself rather than spend 4 hours with him OR give them any more of my hard earned money.

    I keep thinking that by exposing the affair to his wife, it will somehow bring me some type of relief; at least I’d know he finally had some punishment and consequences since I have both, and he has neither.

    I won’t keep on about this because I’d just be repeating myself, and I’d force you to do the same. Thank you so much for responding and trying to help me. I know deep down that I’m the only one that can help myself, but as I said, I’m not sure how.

    • Shirley

      Peggy Sue,
      I can relate to your struggling! Been there! It is Not FAIR, that these MM can waltz in & out of our lives & suffer NO CONSEQUENCES! I believe in Karma & God to take care of them in due time! I was used to EXTRA GIFTS & MONEY, which the MM gave me! It was tough for about 2 months! I got over it & realized, it was like Prostitution money! The old saying “Silence is GOLDEN!” I take comfort, in knowing, we have the Secret of the AFFAIR. The MM has to be a bit scared, as he never knows, when it may surface in some way shape or form. Think of the wife’s WRATH, at that point! She would have been a TOTAL FOOL! Punishment will happen, BUT NOT NECESSARILY ON OUR TIME! Hang in there!

      • PeggySue

        Hi ladies,

        He never did waltz in and out of my life. I have that small thing for which to be grateful. I always ended things and *I* would always cave in and call him, and we’d start right up again. He was willing to do whatever I wanted because I realize now, that I really didn’t matter to him in the long run. From day 1 ,he knew this was no more than affair. I thought that someone that unhappy would leave – especially if he had me to go to. Before the affair we were working in the yard one day, and he told me he had ‘really had it with his wife’. I was shocked because we weren’t friends like *that* and honestly, I didn’t really care about his personal life. I said to him – and I quote “don’t leave, men never leave because they don’t want to be alone, you’ll be remarried in 2 years’. That is what I truly believe, and yet I ended up in a mess like this! There was an incident where (obviously) my feelings changed, but at the time, I really didn’t care. I had zero interest in him. It’s funny how life takes ‘interesting’ turns.

        Anyway, I know now, I was just making his life bearable. That’s what I’ve come to realize. He was perfectly willing to stay married and have this affair for the rest of his life. He told me as much. That’s why I finally did have enough. I’m done with him. I almost hate him which bothers me. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. That’s what I want.

        The other thing I didn’t write, but you just mentioned – he has *NO* fear of me telling his wife at all. I told him that I saw his wife shopping in CVS one night, and I might as well have said it was raining outside. No reaction at all. I once thought he had blocked me on his phone (but his phone was just acting up) he said he never has blocked me because he trusts me to never do anything. There’s no way for it to surface really. He starting deleting all of our calls/texts/photos a long time ago. Zero consequences for him.
        I have no comfort in the secret at all. I see her every morning on her way to work as I come home from the gym, and I usually go by their house on my way home. It infuriates me every time. I know I’m torturing myself by doing this. I’m definitely no contact – I have been for months. It doesn’t help. In fact, now that I’ve really ended it, and would never want to be with him even if he called me today and said that he wanted to be with me – that’s when this retaliation obsession started. I do not want him ever – but I do want her to make his life miserable – well more miserable. She’s doing a good job of making him miserable now. That is my only small comfort really, but it’s not enough.

        • Notanga

          Wow your situation sounds just like my mm story. He has provided for me financially a lot and there is a major emotional connection. However, his wife found out about us and I thought she would leave him, nope she’s not she said she’s going to fight for their marriage. But, the reality is he’s not going to leave her for me, no matter how much he says he loves me she is is his first priority. If we are on the phone if she’s coming it’s a quick hangup. The whole thing really irritates me and I’m ready to end it, but I’ve grown accustomed to our conversations and his financial help but the biggest thing is that I love him. I’ve decided to get therapy for me yo break up with him and to try and understand why I dated him when I knew his situation

          • Susan

            Since I told my mm’s wife it has been over. It ended in a very ugly way that I didn’t expect. He took her side and turned on me. Rude awakening for me. He was just using me for sex!

    • Susan

      The only way to help yourself is no contact. I told my MM’s wife to get him out of my life. I wanted it to end because I was miserable. Living off crumbs of affection, being used for sex/affection while he had his perfect life at home with the family. It’s hard but you can move on. It’s taken me a year. I’m now realizing that I meant nothing to him.

  • Havetobeme

    I can relate to many of you! My 5.5 yr affair is slowly coming to an end. I can’t rip off the band aid, peeling it slowly. We have a very long history together. He is the only man I’ve loved unconditionally, have amazing sex, and until recently has treated me really really well. We are very very close, keep in contact every 2 hrs every day, talk or email. We know almost everything about each other and are very compatible. In most ways we feel married, just don’t live in the same house and have only had 5 whole nights throughout this time of even sleeping together overnight, due to circumstances. THe emotional and financial part is like a marriage though. We were intimate at one point 3-4days/wk, last summer I realized he wasn’t leaving any time soon and I wasn’t even sure what I wanted anymore and I cut it back to once/week and even then we see each other but intimacy has been much less 1 -2 times a month but we still loved seeing each other, holding each other (no where better than in his arms), kissing even. I know he’s been unhappy with this change but he chose to stay and even still I can see it in his eyes even when he comes to see me and knows there will be no intimacy I see the love in his eyes.
    BUT He’s recently told me a huge lie that he had to go on a trip for his daughter & her fiance but he really was in Vegas with them and his wife. His wife who he claims he doesn’t have sex with and barely talks to. He only told me because I broke up with him over it, he admitted to the whole thing then, said he was going to tell me in person, didn’t want to do it in email but i pushed him. He met me the next morning and explained it all. He admits he was a coward and should not have lied and was put in a tight spot. Blah blah blah. He knows he lied, knows he was a coward for lying, feels embarrassed about it and says he’ll never lie again and not to give up what we have built over the past 5.5 yrs and what we will have soon. Once he leaves his wife which he knows I no longer believe and I’m not even sure anymore it’s what I want. Knows he was wrong and will do whatever it takes as long as it takes to prove himself and earn my trust back.
    The same day I found this out I overheard their phone conversation (he didn’t hang up with me and it was on my voicemail). He really does ignore her and treats her differently than me but one thing she said that struck me most in between all her sarcasm and voice changes at one point her voice got low and she said “I hate when you’re not home, I like when you are with me.” I can not get this out of my head and the trip lie.
    More info: Over the past 5.5 yrs she’s found out in 1st yr made him stop calling/texting me – He got a phone just for us, 2 & 3rd yr she got emails, he changed email accounts. Saw her last yr in person briefly I had my son, she tried to confront me but my MM while sticking up for me , I left with my son for his sake. He never ignores me, gives me more attention actually but he still stays with her, part of it is financial – she has a steady job & income while I do not. His business is still growing and not secure, he’s close to that point but not there yet. As far as I can see she knows he’s cheated on her with me (two others previously which he told me about ) and she stays, basically lets him do what he wants. He married her when their daughter was 2 yrs old from family pressure. He’s planned on leaving her once their daughter moved out all along. It was only when we got back together 5.5 yrs ago that he told me he’d leave earlier to be with me and has strung me along for 3.5 yrs now. She is getting married Sept 1 this year. I don’t believe he will leave – still his business & a lot of money to lose/split.
    We still talk daily, casual work talk , email every two hours as usual and I’ve seen him twice since. I can barely kiss him anymore, the man whose smile and kisses completely melt me and always did. THe man whose given me ALOT of money to start a business, lets me work in his stores when I need money and makes sure I’m financially and emotionally cared for in every other way. I’m losing trust and faith in him. It’s a blessing in disguise as much as it hurts, it’s excrutiatingly painful as I told him he hurts me daily going home to her every night especially on days when we are intimate with me and I’ve had to deal with that but now this huge lie and his wife saying that to him is just too much for me.
    If you’ve made it this far, thank you for listening, you can probably relate to some or a lot of what I’m saying as I’ve related to a lot of you as well. I’m depressed, disheartened right now. I know someday when this is really all over I’ll be ok but getting to that point is a long road which I must travel and complete as it’s part of my healing process. I can’t just rip off this band aid after all I’ve been through with him and the love I do have for him doesn’t just disappear (alot more than I’ve gone into here – yeah I know this was long enough, lol),

    • Daisy

      I relate to your story so much. My MM is the closest person to me but I feel things are starting to devolve as I have begun to lose trust in him and ask for more than he can give. He has never told me he will leave, but continually said that we will be together one day – he just doesn’t know how or when and that his wife is someone he just takes care of. We have been together about 7 years – after the 1st year and 1/2 of our relationship, she found out and made him delete me from his social media and block me from their phones – we never fully went no contact but he tried working on the marriage and ended up coming back and we resumed stronger than ever. After all these years of loving him unconditionally, being faithful/loyal, and giving all I have to him, I am so hurt that he is fine with this situation going on forever. After realizing I was getting no where expecting him to make a choice, I asked him simply to be honest – meaning that he could continue to take care of her as long as he was being honest about me. I have to accept her so why shouldn’t she have to accept me? He can’t do it and adamantly says he can’t destroy her that way. Yet it is fine to hurt me. I love the times we are together and will always love him no matter what but the longer this goes on the more I see how hopeless it all is. I am at a loss for how to get out of this. I can’t go no contact. I feel a physical response in my body when I don’t talk to him or hear from him within a few hours. People have suggested that I start seeing other people – he has someone else so why shouldn’t I? I wish it was that easy for me. I’ve been faithful to him for years and as bizarre as it sounds I would feel like I’m cheating on him, and wouldn’t feel it was fair to the other person. I know there must be some way I can make myself stronger but right now I just don’t see a way out and the depression is real.

  • Shirley

    Ladies!
    You are the winners! You deserve better! You have taken the all important first step! It hurts like hell! You will get through this! The wives deserve the Narcissistic Cheaters! If the wives know & continue to put up with them, then they CAN HAVE THEM! There life & marriage will never be totally stable again. I was in an affair for 6.5 years—it has been over fo 2 years. The wife knew. She was VERY DEPENDENT upon his income! Between the family interference & her, I realized there would NEVER BE A FUTURE with the IDIOT, even if he left her! I am empowered & free! Rise up gals & move on with your life!

  • Pancake

    Trying to hold it together
    I met him on a dating site. He sent me a flirt. I was attracted to him I flirted back. We chatted back and forth for a week or more before he told me he was married. He told me he had an agreement with his wife where he could have affairs. I was not his first nor will I be his last. As long as he brought NO drama home to his family. I continued to chat with him. I thought I could handle it. After two and half months of texting we met. It was incredible. I only met him in person one other time. Our affair was texting, speaking on the phone three times and spending two wonderful evenings together. My affair with him lasted about 5 months. I ended it two weeks ago. I realize it wasn’t a lot of time, but I miss him terribly. I can’t help but think about him, sometimes I feel that I can’t breathe. I miss texting with him. I look at my phone longing to see a text from him knowing I will never see one again. He became part of my life in a short amount of time. I knew the score from the get go that he was not looking to end his marriage, but to have someone on the side. I tried to keep my heart out of the affair and failed.

    • Susan

      It has been 4 days of no contact for me. I told his wife last July. That’s when it ended. The affair went on for 16 months. I cant leave him alone. sad.

      • Joanne

        I’m a week no contact and am having such a hard time. I miss him so much. I keep reminding myself of all the unhealthy stuff but still. This stinks.

        • Pancake

          It stinks! It sucks! It is incredibly painful!
          You feel that you like you can’t make it another day! I know. I feel your pain.
          But you can do it! I believe in you even if you don’t believe! We can do this! Hang in there! Please, please hang in there!

          • Susan

            Pancake (and all other ladies) – I am having a really hard time with the no contact. We were like best friends, talked (emailed) every single day. Now he won’t talk to me. I sent his wife an email and told her we were still talking about a month ago and after that he won’t answer any of my emails. I sent him a text asking if he had blocked my email and he responded “Please stop, I’m begging you”. I sent more texts and he would say nothing more. This is killing me. I think about him every day and always check my email hoping he might send something. I live with my boyfriend who I got back together with after the affair ended last August. Why can’t I get over this???

          • Pancake

            Dear Susan,
            I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s as if you
            lost a part of you, and truly you have. Unfortunetly, the
            part you lost belongs to another. As hard as it is to hear the truth – it is what it is. Please stop trying to get in touch with his wife. You will find no relief in this. If you do it will only be temporary. This man you were with has made his choice – his wife and family (if he has one). I know how hard it is when you want to keep reaching out, because your pain is unbearable. I get it, but right now the man you want so much to ease your pain is making himself unavailable. Your best friend left you in a mess of pain. I wish from the bottom of my heart you stop trying to connect with him. He is no good to you. If you have a close friend who wil not judge (and this is key) you need to relieve your self of this painful burden. You can’t do it alone right now. It’s too much. God has been good to me and has blessed me with this site, a few close friends, and a therapist who have helped me along this painful journey. I know you think you will never smile, laugh, be light hearted again, but you can and will …Smile God Loves You ❤️
            PS keep in touch – I may not be able to email back right away, but I will

      • PeggySue

        Hi Susan,
        I had an affair for nearly 2 years (with the past year being mostly off). I ended things always, but I kept going back. His last call was in early April and I stopped taking his calls so his last text was saying he promised he wouldn’t bother me again (probably the only promise he’ll ever keep in his life). Although he never lied to me saying he would leave his wife etc., I now see things clearly and realize I was being used the entire time, and I can’t get past it. I want to tell his wife now; I’m consumed by it. They live within walking distance of my house so I do have that concern, but please tell me how you did it. Did it make you feel better? Did it give you some kind of closure? I will admit I really do want to punish him more than I want to tell her, but she does have a right to know. She’s been trying unsucessfully to catch him cheating for a long time. I have her proof.

        • Susan

          I sent her a message on Facebook then sent her emails. She never responded to me but he did. He told me she was going to sue me for Alienation of Affection (so far she has not). I’m glad I did it because he caused me so much pain. I did it to hurt him and according to him I ruined his life. He wont tell me if they are divorcing I doubt it. They make a lot of money, have 2 older kids and are big Christian’s (he doesn’t act like one). They are big into appearances and looking like the perfect family.

        • Susan

          Closure? No I have not had closure because I have no idea what is going on with them. I just hope shes making his life miserable because he made my life miserable. I have picture proof too I threatened to send her but never did.

          • PeggySue

            That is how I feel exactly. I want to make him miserable. I know she won’t leave him, but I know she will be on his case even more than she is now. She has never trusted him; I actually wonder why because he’s never been caught doing anything wrong. I have texts, pictures and voice mail messages of course. I had another chance to tell her this morning, and didn’t take it. She was pulling into the gas station and I decided to do the same, but then I didn’t say anything. I haven’t had the nerve tell her mostly because I think I’m afraid of her reaction. She has a temper and is spiteful; he never complained to me about her, but after 2 years of different stories and hearing something she said or did in reaction to him or others, I have a pretty good picture of how she is. As I mentioned, I live very close by, and I’m not sure what she might do (or him for that matter).

            What’s really funny is that she tried to catch him in the past by asking to see his cell phone (he deletes everything) and she wasn’t smart enough to just look at the phone billing statement online. She once used her daughter’s old phone to *video record* him on his day off to see what time he got up and later confronted him and asked him where he went. Of course he lied and said the garage. She also asked a *neighbor* to watch him asking if his truck was home etc. She isn’t very smart – all she’d have to do is turn on location sharing on his phone and she’d know where he is 24/7. I’d like to give her these tips as well 😉

            They too are big into material things in my opinon (he says no). He hates confrontation so he just does whatever she says to avoid any conflict. I believe she’ll never leave him because of that, and because he can fix or do just about anything around the house (free labor etc.).

            Once I asked him how long he’d continue the affair and he said until I had enough, or until he got caught. I asked what he’d do if he got caught and he said “I’d see what she wants to do”. He’s stay married if she wanted to/divorce if not! Imagine that? That’s how little he cares one way or the other, but at the end of the affair, he admitted he won’t leave because he doesn’t want to be alone. How pathetic is that? I’m so thankful now that I don’t want this man, *but* like I said, I really really want to make him miserable.

            If she were a different type of person, I’d say that I wanted to tell her because she deserves to be with someone that actually wants to be with her, but with the way she treats him and her children, I don’t feel that way.
            I was in therapy for this btw. I *still* don’t have compassion for this woman, and I feel guitly over not feeling guilty. Even though I see her nearly every morning and realize she is a person and no person deserves this, I can’t feel any compassion for her. This bothers me as well, but that’s another story.

            Thank you for responding to me Susan. I’m guessing you have no advice either way. I also know deep down the right thing is to just keep quiet and focus on my life. I intellectually know this, but I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to do this.

          • Joanne

            I get the lack of compassion thing. I sometimes think of Sh was a better wife, her husband wouldn’t have looked elsewhere. He rarely mentioned her and only one time alluded to her being a pain. I feel bad for not feeling bad. Almost two weeks no contact. I’m struggling. I remind myself I deserve a whole man who is honest. Not half a lying man.

          • Shirley

            Yes! You deserve a BETTER WHOLE MAN!! If he cheated on wife, he would NOT HESITATE to cheat on you!! Don’t fall for all his lying lines!

          • Susan

            You deserve someone who is not a liar and con artist. These guys are all bs artists. Mine is a salesman for God’s sake. He is a good one too. I tried to end it with him many times and he bs’ed his way back into my life.

          • Susan

            I went to high school with mine and we also had a strong friendship. It’s very hard losing your lover and best friend. Still struggling.

          • Susan

            If you told her he would probably hate you. That’s what happened to me. Now mine wont talk to me. But I’m glad. It needs to end for good. It sux they are such good liars.

          • Susan

            When I would ask my MM about a future he would always say “Let’s just see where it takes us”. He would never commit and would never say if he would divorce or not. Then towards the end when things were getting rocky (I was pressuring him more and more for answers) he said he would “never do anything to hurt his kids”. I knew that meant no divorce. They live the “perfect life” – give off that perfect family appearance. So I started realizing I was being used. The more I pushed the more he pulled away, saying he “needed some time”. I started threatening to tell her and that made things worse. So I finally just did it. And he never texted me again. He called a few times to argue with me over the phone because I was emailing her. That’s been it since last April when he took me to San Francisco. That was our last trip together. I am much better off and have realized I was just a sex toy for him. So, it is for the best. His wife has never acknowleged me, never responded to ANY of my messages. But he has emailed me and told me she was threatening to sue me, etc., etc. When I threatened to send pics of him that he had sent to me he threatened again. This has been my life for the past year. I have finally given up and stopped emailing him and I have not heard from him in 6 days. I don’t expect to hear from him again. I am sure he will cheat again.

          • Susan

            As far as being obsessed with his wife. I was the same way. I stalked her on Facebook and Twitter. I was obsessed with her and wanted to talk to her. I sent many emails and messages (until she blocked me on Facebook and Twitter). She never answered one message. But would speak through him. He would send me threatening emails that if I didn’t leave her alone they would sue me or whatever. So I left her alone. Then me and him started somewhat emailing again. Only I would email and he would go for days to answer me and it would be like one sentence. I was learning that he was just appeasing me and confronted him. Now he won’t respond to me. They ghost you and don’t give you any answers. They suck. I hope his life is miserable now because he ruined my life for the past year. I am just now getting over it and it is hard. He told me he loved me, we texted every day and he called me almost every day for 16 months. It wasn’t until I started pressuring him for more that he then pulled away and it ended. And it ended ugly because I told her.

          • Susan

            If you tell her just be ready for anything. My MM lives in another state so I was not worried about her coming knocking on my door. But, if what you say is true and she is spiteful, etc. — she might just do that. Or try to get a restraining order on you (claim you are harassing them). She could mess your world up for sure if she wanted to and make you very uncomfortable. Or maybe she would just make his life hell. But then he might turn on you (mine did – he turned on me and took her side). You never know with these men. They make us think they really love us but they are committed to their families and when the rubber hits the road most of the time they will choose their family and not us.

          • PeggySue

            Hi laides – thank you so much for your thoughts. I am so happy to have found this page where women have actually ended things and want to move on. Previous similar threads are filled with women still in it and want to continue, and it’s painful to read at this point.

            I’ve thoughtabout what you have written. First, this is over for me. I haven’t wanted to talk to him for many months. I got completely tired about hearing of his day to day life – the life he didn’t want me to be a part of. I ended it in July and we didn’t talk for 4 months (last July to November) and then I hired him to do work for me in November and we talked on and off for weeks only so I could get my real answers. One answer was the fact that he stays married because he doesn’t want to be alonen and he is “happy enough”. I asked him if he had ever considered leaving to be with me and he said no.

            After that, I started having sex with him again, but the reason I did it was to have more recent proof (which he didn’t know). I really didn’t have any feelings left for him and finally I am at the point where if he called today and said he wanted to leave his wife to be with me, I would say no.

            So, that covers “he will hate me and not talk to me”. I don’t care one bit if he hates me. I once said I would never tell his wife because I didn’t want his kids to find out, but now I don’t even care about that. We already aren’t speaking because I have no desire to speak to him whatsoever.

            The worst part for me is now I don’t want to hire him to do any work for me, and it’s *really* a problem. I either have to do it myself or find someone else which is not easy. This is why they say not to mix business with pleasure 🙁

            The bottom line is I really do want to make his life miserable. He made me miserable – I cried all the time during this affair especially the first year. I really believed (even though he never said it) that he was unhappy enough to leave. They are all cowards *and* I realize it’s women like me that make it possible for them to have it easy. They are ‘happy enough’ at home (his words) they have 2 incomes, they have someone to go to dinner/movies/vacation with etc. and then they come to us for the emotional connection/friendship. For us it was definitely that.

            I guess as I said, my big worry is what she or even he might do to me to retaliate. Still I wonder, is it possible for them to make me more miserable than she will make him?? I’m guessing no 🙂 Like you said, they can make me uncomfortable – that’s for sure.

          • Shirley

            Peggy Sue,
            Like you, I want the fool to be MISERABLE & I WANTED TO RETALIATE~~BUT, we would only hurt ourselves. The CHEATERS ARE NOT WORTH IT!! Mine begged me Not to tell the old wife~~she knew about the Affair, But thought he had ended it 6 years before! He knows, I could expose him at any time! It had been almost 2 years, since the breakup. I have No Desire to see the A** . He put me through some hell~~yes, we all get tired of hearing about their lives with the wife, only to come to us for the affection & SEX. Mine always commented, that he was never a priority in the wife’s life. Too Bad! So many lies! I am glad to have this blog to turn to~~it has helped! We are Not Alone! We will be Much better empowered women!

        • PeggySue

          Hi Shirley,
          How did you get over the feeling to want to tell the wife/make him miserable? I know rationally all the things you say are true. I tell myself all the time that I should be the bigger person and move on. That forgiveness is for me and not him. When I first ended it last July, I told him that the next time I saw them in town together, that I was going to say something to his wife *and* that I was going to ask the person that referred him to me for yard work for a new referral and if he asked why I needed a new referral I’d tell him because we had an affair. He looked scared and quietly said “wow, you never really know a person until it’s over”. I felt like garbage and later apologized and said I would not do that because I didn’t want his kids to find out.
          When we started talking again for a brief time this winter, I asked him if I were his wife or his ex-girlfriend prior to the wife (with whom he has a child so they have minor contact) if they would keep quiet if they were me, and he said no. I also asked him if he knew how lucky he was that I keep quiet, and he said that *he thinks about it every day.* That shows you how afraid this man is to be caught; although he always said he would stay in the affair until I had enough or until he got caught.

          I get so angry because it’s not fair that he got to have me who treated him like a king (his words) although I didn’t do anything special; he is just used to being treated like a child. She is 57 and he is 41 so that’s part of it – they got together when he was about 25 which is “interesting” at least to me. I get mad that now that I’ve had enough and ended it, he simply went back to his “good enough life” without any consequences. Then I tell myself that life is not fair. I also then tell myself this is my punishment for doing wrong, but then I ask where is his punishment? I try to tell myself his home life is punishment enough but then I say it’s not. You can clearly see the circles that my mind turns constantly and it’s exausting. Then I get angry that his mind is free and clear. Hence me wanting to punish him. I’m drained from this now. When the affair was going on, I didn’t give her or his home life much thought and I never went by his house etc. I thought he was unhappy there and wanted to actually be with me as I wanted to be with me. Now that I realize how wrong I was – he was just living his life and he told me once that he was able to do that “by keeping it separate in his mind’, and that is something I’ve read often – that men can do that. I’m angry and obsessed with retaliation and I know it’s only hurting me.

          I just don’t know what to do. I do all the things ‘they’ say I should do, and it’s not helping. I went to therapy last year, I go to CrossFit 6 days a week (although I’ve been depressed and have gained weight which doesn’t help this situation) I see my friends, I have a job I like (for the most part), I was even on Match.com and went out on many dates and was interested in only one, and he was the one that was not interested in me.

          • Shirley

            Peggy Sue,
            It took a whole year & a few months to get PAST, wanting to GET EVEN! I had counseling $80/hour! I, too, tried Match & other dating sites! SCARY men on those sites! Met 2 guys through e-harmony, only to catch them lying about their ages & Just Not Into Me! I have 2 friends with boyfriends & male family members, who want to go knock on the cheating MM’s door & CONFRONT HIM & Wife! We all decided,BEST TO LET IT GO & Not risk our reputations for the LOW LIFE! I work part time, am retired, stay busy, walk every day, have lost weight! If I run into the SOB, he can see I have moved on! Believe me, I know it is Not easy to resist URGE TO GET EVEN! It passes with time! You CANNOT HAVE CONTACT! THEY HAVE MANY NARCISSISTIC characteristics, which can be SCARY! Hang in there! You will get through this! Thank goodness for BLOSSOMS site! We are Not alone!
            Shirley

  • Joanne

    I’ve been having an affair for a year and a half, with several attempts to end it mixed in there. I’m a single woman. He’s married with two kids. Met up with him Saturday. I know I have to totally end it. I spent all day Sunday crying. I want him for myself yet couldn’t handle him breaking up his family. Not that he would. I deleted his info but not blocked him. I’ve never been so heartbroken before. I can’t imagine not talking to him. This is horrible.

    • Shirley

      Joanne,
      The harsh REALITY is END IT NOW!! He is using you. These MM do not leave their wives—they like the thrill of “PLAYING” 2 women or more! I was in an affair for 6.5 years—finally became TIRED of the BS lines & only getting bits & pieces of his time! It hurts like HELL at first, BUT YOU CAN RISE ABOVE IT!! After awhile, you will FEEL FREE & BEGIN A BETTER LIFE FOR YOURSELF! The Narcissistic Rogues are Not WORTH IT! You can do it!

      • Joanne

        Thanks. I’ve deleted but not blocked him. Been going their it all— he has no intention of leaving wife. Nor do I really want him to. But he can’t give me what I want. I deserve a real relationship. He can’t respect me if I’m letting myself be used. If I keep going back. If I keep compromising my beliefs that this whole thing is so wrong yet doing it anyway. Not ok. Not worth it.

  • Eve

    I have been in an affair with a married man for 4 years now. We have wonderful times together and I love him so much. He also tells me he loves me but I also know that he will never leave his wife for 22 years now. They have big kids and he love his kids so much. My whole life is base on him, my schedules depend on him. Sometimes I say to myself I have to end it but I can’t because I love him so much but I also realise that I am really wasting my time energy on him. I don’t know how to stop it, it’s killing me, What’s makes it even more difficult is the fact that we are working together and I see him everyday. My heart is breaking because I don’t know for how long it is going to be this way.

  • Penny

    I have read so many comments on here and thought I would add my story. I know that it is long so thanks for reading. I’m 40 years old and not a kid so none of this makes any sense to me. I’m a single parent and my son’s dad is not involved in his life at all. I’ve been single ever since he left when my son was one. I have dated off and on but nothing has been serious. I have been friendly co-workers with this guy for about 15 years or so. We have always talked and laughed but that was all there was to it. One day, out of the blue, he contacted me on Facebook and that turned into long FB conversations after a while. This has been going on since last summer, so about 9 months or so. We started talking more, going to lunch, talking on the phone, emailing one another and we even went out to dinner and movies a few times. His wife knew about it (according to him) because he said he had to tell her and clear it with her before we went. There was no sexual relationship at this point but we did get to the point of kissing and holding each other-but we didn’t have sex. I know that doesn’t matter because it turned into a huge emotional affair.

    He told me that he loved me one night several months in and began to tell me all the time. His home life was horrible (according to him). She was controlling, she spent all of his money, she verbally and mentally abused him, just all kinds of terrible stuff. Once again, his story. He wanted to leave and thought about it all the time. He said that he wanted to be with me one day and that we would be together after he cleared up his current situation. One day I had had enough and told him that it was over and that I wished the best for him. He begged me to wait on him. He said that it wasn’t fair to ask me that but he couldn’t go on without me. He claimed to have even thought about killing himself because he was so miserable at home. The worst thing that he did was make me have hope. He told me that he would be a father to my son who never had one, even though they had never met. He talked about where we would live and how we would be a family. I ate it all up because I loved him.

    Everything changed over 2 months ago. He talked to her and decided to move out. He moved out and said it was over. I’m so ashamed and embarrassed to admit this, but that weekend, we had sex for the first (and only) time. I cried because I was so emotional. It meant so much to me. I thought things were going to change for the better. He said that he couldn’t imagine life without me and that I had “saved him.” He told me numerous times how much he loved me and how much I meant to him. We went out again the next weekend and it was great. Then, everything changed. He cut back on his communication with me. He emails but it isn’t like it was. Instead of talking about out future, he emails one sentence like “Have a nice day.” When we talk on the phone, it is meaningless and we are struggling to find things to talk about. I can go days without hearing from him when he used to get up first thing in the morning and email me and all thoughout the day (when he was actually living with her). He has not told me that he loves me since we had sex. He no longer compliments me or really says anything nice to me. It’s like the conversation I would have with a casual co-worker, not even the type that we used to have. He never wants to see me. Here it is, another Saturday night, and he has no interest in seeing me or even so much as talking to me on the phone, texting me, or sending me an email. He never talks about what is going on with him anymore so who knows if he has went back or not. I no longer ask. The last time he mentioned it was the night we had sex. He hasn’t mentioned her since. He still wears his wedding ring though.

    I know this is very long and I apologize but I need to get it out. This doesn’t do the story any justice and really doesn’t express how hurt, angry, devastated, hopeless and worthless I feel. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. I went so long thinking it would just be me and my son and I accepted that. Then he came along and gave me hope. It was false hope but he still gave it to me and now look at where I am.

  • Susan

    Our “affair” has been over for a year yet we have found our way back to each other. We are emailing again. I am living with my boyfriend and he is still married. Why can’t I let him go? I love him more than I love my boyfriend. It is so sad to me. Any advice on how to curb these feelings? The heart wants what the heart wants correct?

  • Joy

    I have been on a relationship with a mm for the last 6 mos.i asked him from the beginning to please come and tell we are ending and not just not show up. we had a miscommunication 2 months ago and I thought we were through, I didn’t hear from him for 10 days. I went thru all the crying and stomach aches. Then, he shows up. We had a talk and he promised he’d tell me in person. I have not seen or talked to him in 5 weeks. I knew he was having surgery so I’ve just been waiting. I called his cell today because I’m sure he’s out and about and he didn’t pick up or call me back. I’m assuming it’s over…..I don’t know what to think, I’m ready if it’s over, the heartbreak kills me!

  • Shirley

    You are NOT the evil doer! If you are single, you DO NOT TAKE BLAME! These MM should have BETTER CONTROL! Unfortunately, they get bored & when opportunity presents itself, they STRAY! Obviously, their marriages are Not that GREAT! They have NO backbone or B****, so they CHEAT on wife for the THRILL! They are the evil doers! Hang in there!! Will take time, BUT YOU WILL BE SO MUCH HAPPIER & a BETTER PERSON! These cheaters are CREEPS! NOT WORTH IT!

  • Shirley

    Dear friends,
    Rise above the BS, created by these cheating, lying married men! They want the Best of both worlds! They are Rogues & Narcissistic! You are a better person & deserve more! These MM never leave the wives & if they do, most likely will go back! Think about it—they cheated on the wife—they will cheat on you, eventually! I went through the same—6.5 years with the Creep! Mutual breakup! I have No doubt, he will cheat with another woman, if occasion presents itself! I have been free for 18 months! Feel empowered, self esteem elevated, excercising, weight loss! All good! Takes time, BUT YOU will realize the CHEATING MM is Not WORTH IT! Move forward & have a BETTER LIFE!

    • Nancy

      Shirley, I So can’t wait till I get to this point when It hits me that he isn’t worth it,when I can finally forgive myself. Can’t wait till my self- esteem gets elevated! I pray I get to a point soon were this won’t consume my every thought, can’t wait till I don’t feel like this was all my fault and I’m the evil doer in this situation.
      Why does our hearts gotta be soooo Stupid

  • Tammy

    Nancy…..Sigh, so I’ve waited 3yrs too long also, he actually came to me 5 months ago stating he wanted a life with me after a month of me moving on and I was doing so well too!! He has moved out but still goes over to their house everyday, pays for everything including all her bills n groceries, no signs of divorce or her becoming independent. He only spends Friday and Saturday evenings with me which is a total of maybe 6hrs and the rest of the week it’s a text relationship. If I ask questions he has no answers, gets irritated and seems content with things. He keeps stating it will change but we all know it won’t and yes, I fell again for his tactics. I wonder if I am being lied to again and again which I probably am!! Do yourself the biggest favor and stay clear, I ended mine a week ago n it was liberating and when I look outside of my box I realize how stupid and blind love can make us. We don’t think clearly, I see now that I should have never let him back in but I won’t waste more time on it other than grieving before I can move forward. I know it won’t be but a matter of time before he’s missing me again but I also know when I say no it won’t be long and there will be someone else if there’s not already!! Please think hard and remove yourself from the situation completely before more time is lost and more heart ache!!

  • Nancy

    3 years I can never get back! Hurt, shame, guilt feeling like a
    whore. Lies upon lies and knowing that I was nothing more then a piece of A**, and yet I love this man. How stupid could I be? The more I dealt with it I literally felt like I was about to have a heart attack, like it was starting to affect me physically not only emotionally. When you don’t know if you wanna cry, holler or go hurt him like he hurt you. Even though I ended things with him because it was consuming me, I’m hurt when I should feel empowered. I just pray that I’m strong enough to stay away because we tried this before.

  • Susan

    I had a 16 month long affair with a married man who had 2 kids. I eventually told his wife. That ended it for good but I can’t get over him. I write him mean and angry emails which he ignores now. He won’t talk to me at all now that his wife knows. They are on the brink of divorce. Please help me get this out of my head and heart!

  • Jade

    This is hard for me to admit but I have been in love with a MM for 6 years now. I hate the person I have become. He has told me that he is so in love with me and no longer has any feelings left for her but no changes has been made. I feel like he biggest fool just waiting around for him. He tells me he wants a life with me so I continue to wait but I can’t take this heartache any more. I am ashamed of myself because this is out of character for me but I am deeply in love with him still. I know I need to end this but I feel that I will be missing him like crazy , I just can’t imagine my life without him.I realize that actions speak louder he tells me he would be devastated without me but he still hasn’t made the move. I understand how hard it is to just pick up and leave , he has three kids and s been married for 25 years , so I know it’s not easy but what he is doing to both of us is wrong. I can keep going on and on but I will stop. I guess I just need some support here bc even though I know what I am doing is so wrong I am hurting every day and I just want to move on and heal.
    Thank you for anyone who is listening or has advice.

    • Susan

      I broke up with my MM last July by telling his wife. He has emailed me but we are strangers now. I have sent horribly mean emails to him and his wife. I’m so angry inside. I still love him and can’t get over it either. I live with my boyfriend now and it’s not fair to him at all. My MM also was married for 23 years and has 2 kids. He always said he “didn’t know what the future held” and let’s just live day by day. That’s hard to do when you are waiting on an email/phone call 24/7. I couldn’t do it anymore and told his wife. I hear they may divorce but he hates me now for telling her.

  • Shirley

    Irene—sorry you are going through the pain of the breakup with MM. Please know that you are Not alone. Many of us on this blog have experienced the same! It can be an EMOTIONAL roller coaster. Rise above it! Your SELF ESTEEM & SELF RESPECT are MORE IMPORTANT! These MM ARE ROGUES! Liars & obviously CHEATS! They know all the right lines, BUT NEVER LEAVE THE WIVES! Even if they did leave, you life with them would always have a lot of MISTRUST! They like having a FLING, until they get tired or wife finds out! I was in an affair for 6.5 years & mutually broke it off. Hurt for a GOOD WHILE. Out of the affair for 17 months! Empowered, feel free, have my life back! Have lost weight, excercising, SELF ESTEEM elevated! Hang in there! The SORRY A** is Not worth it! The wife deserves him! No doubts, he will CHEAT AGAIN WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!

  • Irene

    Hi. I had an affair with a mm for 4 months. We had known each other and were very good friends/coworkers for a year before the affair began. I no longer work with him. It began when we started training together, then going to lunch and then meeting after work. We texted, facebooked, and talked many times per day. We would meet often and even go shopping sometimes together (Christmas). There was some sort of contact between us, all day long.

    I am having a really hard time with the affair beginning and ending. It has been 6 weeks now, and I still miss him even though I know that this is for the best. I am trying to stop blaming myself totally for being in the affair and for causing it’s initial downfall, even though it would have probably ended in it’s own time anyways. He did tell me he loved me all of the time. We talked about everything. It was a very emotional affair before the physical part. In the beginning, he was going to leave his wife soon, but then towards the end, it was going to be in time/future. He would send me music/songs every morning and contact me for the smallest of things, just to check in, as I would with him. We would talk about the type of house we would have and where we would go/move to (he has 3 teen age children and has been married for 20 years). We talked about the problems in his relationship and shared everything.

    Moving forward, I initially ended it one day, but I made the mistake of contacting him days later to try and talk to him, upset and changing my choice to end it. He basically ghosted me for days and when he did respond, it was very basic, with one or two word responses until he had asked me to stop communicating with him. He said he was hurt and angry and needed time to breathe before basically telling me “good bye” in a text! (He’s 45). He then eventually blocked me from phone and fb. But, before he did, things worsened when his wife got an email from an acquaintance/worker who had spotted us kissing and having lunch together the day before, but sent it the day after we had ended it. He texted me, blaming me for basically everything. I reminded him of his involvement too and a few other quick responses that were made between us. And, I responded not too kindly.

    At first, I regretted saying some of the things I did, but as the weeks go on, i’m not as regretful. It was over and he can’t pick and choose only the ‘good’ or positive parts of me that he wants to. I was hurt and in pain about the entire thing. This was the first time he had seen/heard me mad or upset to. (those real emotions that don’t make for a good mistress, I guess)! This was the first and only time I have ever had an affair. I’m educated and not even a child. I am 47 years old! So why can’t I get over this and move on from it? I honestly do feel that this person and I connected on a level that made me totally lose myself like never before, even though he was an unavailable married man! Did I see myself with him? Yes. Did I initially believe he was in love with me and was going to leave his wife because of how ‘horrible’ his wife was( I know now that this isn’t true btw). Mistakenly, yes!

    And, yet he still lied to his wife but wants to make things work there. When he texted me that next day, he ended up denying that we had an affair to his wife, told her that we had only kissed and met once (alcohol induced) and that he had ended it with me (I guess we both ended it). But since then, he blocked me and I blocked him to, so no more contact. And yet with all that’s said and done, I am still missing him! I did start seeing a counselor over this to, for the first time in my life. When does this all get easier and why am I so hung up on this man?

  • Shirley

    Pisces,
    Tammy is CORRECT! Get Out of the relationship. You deserve BETTER! These married men, who CHEAT ON THEIR WIVES, are NOT WORTH IT! They are LIARS & Never leave the wives! If he is NOT CHEATING with you, he will find someone else to PLAY HIS GAMES & CHEAT! This one is VERY UNPROFESSIONAL & SOUNDS VERY UNSTABLE! Move on!

  • Tammy

    Pisces…..You are only human and fell for a coworker that sees how vibrant, fun and worthy you are! He wants to control you wt his jealousy, please remember that he is going home every night and sleeping in someone else’s bed!! You are young and can find so many men out there that are emotionally and basically more physically available to you as well that will treat you with the respect you so deserve!! I recommend you write down to remind yourself that he is trying to control you with his jealousy, the fact he is not adult enough to be professional is huge as well, he spends his weekends and nights with another female but wants YOU to stay single and wait for him till he decides he has time for you!!! I am sure there’s lots more as well!!! You deserve a real man not a child and a cheater!! He can say how unhappy he is at home but he’s not man enough to deal with things just like he’s a child by ignoring your texts, real adults don’t act this way! He’s not in high school for heaven sake, you are not to let his actions or words control you!! You are a strong female that needs to let him know he has no effect on you!! Stay strong, ignore his actions and if he text you reply with “I am over this, I deserve better and am moving forward!” Remind him he is married and you are taking the high road!! He will most likely just find someone else to continue this game with!! You will feel elated not lying to your friends and family and will feel an enormous weight lifted as well!!!

  • Pisces

    Hi, just call me pisces. And for almost 7 mos I’ve been struggling for a very unhealthy relationship which is being attached to a married man. Im lying to all my friends and family. Im 24 yrs old and I know that im wasting my life to him that there’s no future in him as in nothing! It’s like that my world belongs to him, im so attached maybe because most of the time we are together drinking, eating. We fought for a very light reason as he is easily jealous if I’m with friends even my family. Then now, he’s tired from me and throwing and pushing me away which is a good start for me to start a new life. But still im so idiot for being so hurt and txting him to be okay. I wanted this feeling to be gone. I hated myself for being so stupid to keep on sticking to this undeserved man for me. I wanted to move on forget and love myself. I wanted to be renewed. This man is mu workmate and even in the work he’s taking it personally and unwillingly to cooperate and get in touch. Please give me a very strong advice for my stupidity.

  • Moving on

    I had an affair with a married man for four years. I am also married. He is a cop and I ended it partly because he was getting a promotion and his schedule would make it so that I wouldn’t really get to see him.

    I did love him. It’s been almost eight months now and it still hurts sometimes. But I am writing here because it’s still better than trying to find time to see him, wondering what he was doing, and basically getting the crumbs of his life. I realized along the way that it would never change. He lied to me about many things along the way and I didn’t trust him. I knew I’d never be able to trust him.

    Leaving him was one of the hardest things I ever did. We talked a couple times after and he said that I pursued him which wasn’t true. He didn’t even mention to me that he was married until I had been friends with him for four or five months. It made me realize that it was easier for him to not take responsibility for his actions.

    He gave me a lot of mixed messages along the way. Sometimes he’d be so miserable about his marriage and then other times he’d say that he didn’t want to start his life over. Eventually I realized it was bleeding me out.

    Maybe in a different world he and I could have made it work. Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. But I made a decision to go on because I knew that I had to for my own mental health. I still see him in the paper or out driving around and it’s hard. But overall it’s a lot less suffering than trying to be with him. If you are seeing a married man just end it now. It will only bring pain and believe me that you will get better.

  • Shirley

    Christine,
    I agree with Tammy & Deb—these CHEATING MEN are LIARS. ROGUES, & MOST HAVE NARCISSISTIC SIGNS! Time will heal—I know—IT feels like HELL & TORMENT right now. I was in a relationship with MM for 6.5 years—Been free of IDIOT or 15 months! I am SO MUCH BETTER! Self Esteem restored! Weight loss in progress! Hair style better & different! I am EMPOWERED! HANG IN THERE!

  • Deb

    Christine… I’m sorry that you are going through the hurt & heartache. It does hurt like hell! I know you don’t wanna hear this cause I surely didn’t, be glad it’s done & over cause the more time invested seeing a MM the deeper the hurt is. MM are cheaters, liars & only think/care only of themselves. They will tell you anything to get what they want. You will be used, lied to, deceived & strung along. I did this for 7 years, believed in him, look where that got me. I ended it, he didn’t. The ladies here have really helped me. Tammy suggested to write down all of his faults, short comings & all the times you were left alone while he was with someone else. I did this, have the list at my office & another at home. There are days I look at it countless times cause I’m only on day 9 of breakup & it helps! They say the hurt becomes less with time, I’m hoping that is true. You hang in there girl!!!

  • Christine

    I’m separated with my husband and we are divorcing so it’s about few months and I will be free again. 3 months ago I met a married guy back at work. He used to look at me a lot and made attempts to flirt with me and get closer to me. At first I opposed him and told him to go back to his wife. Then he started talking about his bad marriage and how he is unhappy and he wants to leave. He has a baby of 9 months old and my son is 2. So we had many things in common. Then we started the affair. He talked abt his eternal love to me. He said that he’s over with his wife and it’s matter of time he will be moving out. He talked about future together and used to see me everyday. It lasted for 2 months. Then he started saying that his wife is not OK anymore about them getting a divorce anymore and there are problems happening but he wants me to be patient for us. I fell in love with him and was ready to stay patient. Then he started seeing me twice a week saying he can’t leave his daughter since his wife is not OK. Then suddenly he stopped talking to me and answering my calls and messages. Then he sent a msg that he needs space he’s tired. A week later I talked to him asking what’s wrong and he needs to face me and tell me. He replied that it’s over he can’t go on. He’s sorry he hurt himself and hurt me and that he can’t leave his daughter. So then I sent him many messages telling him how coward and a liar he is. Since then he never called or talked.
    Till now I keep thinking about him and I feel used. I still love him though and the way he left is making me go crazy with questions and wondering if all the love we had was fake or true.

    • Tammy

      Christine…..I am sorry to tell you this but you’re so close to your situation to see it…..you were used, he saw you as an easy target unfortunately. He most likely never even discussed divorce wt his wife let alone planned on leaving either. You need to let go and concentrate on yourself at this point, there are men out there that are emotionally available and not married most importantly!!!!! Start your new life for yourself n child in a good light and stay away n forget about the guy that basically used you and be glad it only lasted 2 months and not years of your life!!

    • Wasteof6years

      Yeah I hate to say this too but he just used you for one thing………please get out and stay out……….I had mine for 6 years and the same BS…………please walk away…………..this is nothing more than an affair……….men like this lie to us and make sure they keep us for when they need one thing…………..be smart walk away and don’t look back………………I promise you all he is saying is LIES……………. I wish I would of listened long ago but I stayed 6 years and 6 years to much……………..never will I do again…………..

  • Deb

    Shirley you’re right about Tammy’s suggestion. I wrote it down & when I become weak & wanna contact him, I say that list out loud, it helps. I know I’m the newbie here & don’t know a thing.

  • Deb

    Hi wasted 6 years….. I’m glad to hear after 4 months into the breakup you are doing well and moving on. You go girl! I’m 1 week in and I’m hanging in, not easy but I’m doing it. Thank you for your words of encouragement, it helps!

    • Wasteof6years

      your welcome Deb. I honestly thought I would die without him………ha what a joke………I feel good to be out of that and I hope all the new ladies find the courage to walk away………I know it took me a long time but now that I have I will NEVER go back or do again…………..he broke me like no other and I will say a hard lesson learned………………..chin up ladies we ALL can over come this………………….I did ………….
      oh and I had many many friends tell me this would happen and I chose to ignore it…………my gut feeling told me this would happen and I ignored it…………….I loved the thought of being loved but was fake love……………..my heart was broken bad but I am telling you now my heart is just fine……..not a day goes by now that I miss him…….he isn’t in my thought my prayers my life………………..hearts can mend………………..minds can as well………………….we all need to think of ourselves not them………………….Prayers for you ALL

      • Susan

        To all – This will be my last post on here. I have unsubscribed. I just have to try and find a way to move on from this. Wasteof6years – your post gave me hope. I live with an awesome man who loves me. I have a good job, a house, a car, friends. I need to get over this. This man destroyed me. I was so in love with him. My world revolved around him for 16 months. I will get over this though. I must. I have 2 daughters that need me and my parents and my boyfriend. People who REALLY love me. All of these men are awful. They are liars and users. We mean nothing to them. I pray that all of us can get OUT of these sinful, awful relationships. I told my MM’s wife because I knew that would end it. But then I hung on for another whole year of my life. Wasted. No more. I have deleted everything. Emails, phone numbers, etc. I am going to leave his wife alone. She did nothing to me. She is a victim also. Good luck and prayers to all. It has gotten better and it gets a little better every day. This was a VERY hard lesson learned. Susan xoxo

        • the one who was betrayed

          Hi Susan, big hugs to you, sad to see you go , but i understand, you need to move on. I absolutely loved this post, It was so very nice knowing you, you know my email, babygirly17@yahoo.com, if you ever need to talk, I feel utterly destroyed as well, 12 years with my MM and he dumped me like trash and will never contact me again. Its ok, i want to move on like you, focus on yourself, your daughters and the wonderful man who you live with that loves you. It is sooo hard to get through these emotions, I know how you are feelings as I am in a similar position. Big big hugs to you.. We do mean nothing to these married men except a piece of ass they use and lie to, then go home to wife and drop us like a boiling steaming hot potato, all the years and special times together, and they cannot give us the honest decency closure we deserve. Such punk ass bitch liars…. dont worry there will be a time they will be miserable. big hugs to you Susan!! 🙂 dont worry about his wife, she has to live with a liar, let her enjoy him. big hugs to you lovely woman.. :*** xoxoxo

  • Shirley

    CONGRATULATIONS! Time helps heal! Took me longer, than you, BUT ONCE YOU REALIZE how DECEITFUL THE IDIOTS CAN BE, You are FREE! Tammy had a good suggestion last week—suggested writing down all their bad qualities & checking the list, when feeling down or tempted to make contact. It works! I had Not thought about making, that LIST! At the top of my list was: He cheated on wife for 6.5 years, without remorse! Was a WAKE UP FOR ME! I can shoulder some of BLAME, BUT HE WAS THE MARRIED ONE! Hang in there! Proud of you Wasted 6 years—in the Grand scheme, you did Not Waste the years—you matured & learned from MISTAKE! Empowered you!

    • Wasteof6years

      Thank you Shirley…… I did do what Tammy did long ago………I still have that paper and when I get to thinking about him … I look at it and laugh…………lol what a joke……to think I believed him………wow cant believe he took me to my weakest point…….but know what me made me rise to my highest point…………..way it is I loved him more than I ever loved any guy to the most hated person……..and now don’t even care……….once you get past all your points and not care is the best relief you can have…………….moved on and fine…..I can live without him and I can be happy……………………..I am not stressed or worried anymore at all……….really took a lot off of me…………………….learned my lesson and will NEVER go back……..he isn’t worth it………I am worth moving on………….

  • Wasteof6years

    Just an update ladies………….I am telling you I didn’t think I could ever get over the heart ache of leaving my MM but it has been 4 months and I am doing great………………I think of him less and my heart ache has gone……………I feel free and able to do anything I want without worries now…………….I did waste 6 years………but I am making up for those six years and it is great……………………..MM lie about everything to keep us………….I have now realized this .. was hard to think all was lies but I see it for what it is now………and I am moving on………if I can do this……….all you can ………….it is hard a heck at first but each hour each day each month gets better…………..just wake up to it all……………………he will never leave his wife, he don’t love you and he just wants you for one thing……………be strong and you can over come this see it for what it really is……………I really didn’t think I could move on but I have……………..and I do feel free ………..feels good to do things and not wonder what he will think or if he will call or come by and you miss it………………I can do what I want to make me happy NOT him……………….aww breathe now………….life is good

  • Deb

    Hi Shirley & Tammy…..I thank you for your support & advice, very kind of you to take the time. I saw the MM ( a sighting is what I’m calling it) yesterday morning. I in my vehicle stopped, waiting to make a left turn & he in his work truck in left lane beside me coming in the opposite direction. The pit in my stomach became larger & felt a knife to my heart. I couldn’t even look at him unsure what he did on his part but really what does it matter. Have to say had thoughts of contacting him after seeing him but they were only thoughts. I thought of the advice you two gave me and put those thoughts to a halt. I’m in my 5th day since break up and I’m having these emotional breakdowns that come out of no where. It’s like a wave that comes crashing in uncontrollably. You don’t know me but I’m this strong b***h & proud of the fact, but when it comes to him, I’m weak. I knew the pain was going to be bad but had no idea of the severity. I know I’m not alone, far from, reading all the ladies comments on this site. It just sucks that I believed in him and look where that got me. I often wonder how he can look at himself in the mirror or sleep at night for what he did to me but I’m sure he’s not having any issue doing both.

  • Tammy

    Deb……Remind yourself that you are important and deserve to be someone’s priority not their option!! We as women are natural caring and nurturing, we forget about ourselves!! It will hurt less with time, you need to write down his faults, short comings and all the times you were alone while he had someone else….read this daily as a reminder!! You will never be as young and beautiful as you