How to Get Over a Love Affair With a Married Man   Recently updated !


It’s over. Your heart is broken. How do you get over a married man you still love? You know you need to move on, but you don’t know how to get over him. Your head knows you can’t be with him, but your heart wants him back.

“I have to keep reminding myself of how many lies I have told over the years,” says Anonymous on How to Break Up With a Married Man – and Heal Your Heart. “I have been lying to everyone who is most important to me for 5 years. I’ve been sneaking around with this married man, ignoring my own husband who loves me more then anyone in this world. I have taken my husband for granted and I am finally realizing that. I find myself wanting to talk to my husband more and be excited about becoming parents (I’m five months pregnant). I decided to end my affair with the married man and still feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I know I’ll have some good moments and bad moments, but hopefully as time passes I’ll have more good. I really do want to end this affair because it makes me sick that I was involved with a married man for so long. I’m just looking for the strength to get through the next few hours, days, and weeks until I stop thinking about him.”

You’re not alone if you’re searching for suggestions on how to break up with a married man you still love. I’ve written several articles about infidelity, and the one that’s most searched for is my blog post on getting over an affair. After you read my tips for getting over a married man you still love, read through the comments section. You’ll meet other women who had affairs and learn how they’re coping with the breakup.

First, here’s a list of reasons affairs are destructive and toxic, plus several tips on how to get over a married man and heal the heartache. Focus on why you have to let him go. Keep looking forward at a new life, new beginning, and fresh start.

Reasons to Stop Cheating With a Married Man

You already have reasons for the breakup, but this list may help you see how destructive an affair is. Accepting a breakup you didn’t want is easier when you focus on why the relationship ended.

Affairs with married men are never headed anywhere good.

  • Adultery is destructive, immoral, and painful
  • A married man won’t commit to a future with you
  • You can’t trust a married man who cheats on his wife
  • You can’t talk about dating married men with your friends and family, so you won’t get much support
  • A married man doesn’t respect the woman he’s cheating with
  • You’ll waste your life waiting for him to make a decision – and the chances he’ll decide to commit to you are slim
  • A married man is living with guilt and shame, which will eventually affect your relationship
  • Good, kind, loving men don’t cheat on their wives
  • Cheating damages families and destroys lives

This last tip would drive me to quickly learn how to get over a married man! Guys who cheat don’t respect or love the women they’re cheating with. No matter what they say, they don’t really respect women who let themselves be used.

If you feel like you’ll never get over him, read How to Get Through a Breakup When You’re Still in Love.

How to Get Over a Married Man

How to Get Over a Love Affair With a Married Man Blossom Tips
Getting Over a Love Affair With a Married Man

I’ve written lots of articles with practical tips on breaking up and healing after heartbreak. In this article, I want to focus on the power of love to help you move forward in your life. This may seem ironic because you think you’re losing love…but actually, the end of this affair can actually be the start of a whole new life of freedom, peace, and joy for you!

Focus on finding freedom to end this relationship

May you break free from the chains that hold you in this relationship – a relationship you know is unhealthy and destructive for you and others. May you find freedom, peace, and joy in your life. I pray for courage and strength, and for wisdom to learn how to get over a married man without feeling compelled to return to your old way of living. I pray that you take time to bow your head and lift your heart to God.

Instead of allowing your heart and emotions to dictate your choices, decide to end this affair. Yes, it’ll hurt. Yes, you’ll think about him all the time. But you can be free from the compulsion to see this married man. May you find yourself quickly and free from the bondage of this affair. End your suffering, move forward in freshness and light.



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Look at the obstacles in your way

What is holding you back from getting over a married man? Maybe you’ve invested time, emotional energy, or even money in the affair. Maybe you hope he’ll leave his wife and marry you. Maybe breaking up with him is an admission of guilt, and you can’t forgive yourself for the affair.

Maybe you love him.

Being clear on your reasons for having the affair – and breaking it off – will help you find freedom. Why are you searching for tips on how to get over a married man? Start digging around in your heart and soul, and figure out why you started the affair and what’s holding you back from a healthy relationship.

Decide that this affair is over

Here’s my favorite comment from a reader on How to Stop Dating a Married Man: You have to make up your mind to break up with your married man…It’s hard for me to believe that there are other men who are willing to love me even more but there are. If you do not let go of what’s bad for you, then you’re not making yourself available for a good man. I’d rather be in a relationship with someone I like than in a relationship with a married man I love who can’t make me his priority. THIS ISN’T HAPPINESS. We deserve more. And it starts within ourselves. His wife doesn’t deserve this, either.

Start recreating your life

Part of learning how to break up with a married man is to create your life in a way that incorporates new perspectives, new attitudes, new priorities, and new values. One of your new attitudes has to be acceptance – because you know that resisting this change will stop you from learning how to live happily without the man you love.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • What do I need to let go of in my life that is no longer alive?
  • What is sacred to me?
  • Who or what do I love?
  • What have I sacrificed in order to love this married man and have an affair?
  • What is calling to me now in my life?
  • How can I start living the life I really want?
  • What changes do I need to make so I can live without him?

Write about your answers to each question; they’ll help you start thinking about your future. Don’t overanalyze or overthink your answers. Try not to focus on the affair or what it feels like to get over a married man. Be willing not to have all the answers, or know how you will live without him. Asking and answering these questions will get good, positive energy moving deep in your emotions and spirit. The healing process may even start to move faster.

Learn how to let go and emotionally detach from him

Breaking up and letting go takes time, but it will happen. You have more power than you think – and you deserve better. You deserve a man who will love and cherish you, wholly and completely.

Letting Go of a Relationship You Want to Keep

In How to Let Go of Someone You Love I share stories about letting go from me and a few “She Blossoms” readers. Our experiences with love and loss will comfort and encourage you.

I share 25 Blossom Tips, each paired with a practical “how to.” Every tip highlights a different part of who you are—spirit, heart, soul, body, and brain. This holistic approach will help you move forward in different ways, according to your personality, mood, energy level and lifestyle.

If you want to share how you fell in love with a married man, feel free to comment below. You may find the other readers’ comments helpful; you’ll see you’re not alone, and that getting getting over this affair is the best thing for you.

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1,309 thoughts on “How to Get Over a Love Affair With a Married Man

  • Leigh ann

    Hi Anna, Nomad, Jules and Tricia. I was just reading the posts. Look how far we have come! Anna and Nomad 3 months and Jules 4 months and Tricia 7 months and we are still standing! It may still sting but less! I feel like leaning on each other. I am so thankful for everyone here that has given me support. Life has gone on for us and I am but sure about you ladies but I finally have a smile on my face. And as I was out and about this weekend I found men looking and smiling at me. It was great! To all the ladies struggling it gets better. There were days I didn’t think I could do it any more but with the help from you ladies and sheer determination I did it. Keep strong ladies and to the ladies that have made it to the 3 month mark and further awesome! Let’s keep moving forward and found ourselves again. Hugs and hood vibes 🤗

  • anna

    I have been about 3 months NC now and life has moved on. For the women who are wondering how they can get through this, you can. You will not be the same, there will be lonely times where you will miss them, but you will not miss that staring at your phone and thinking about how they are sitting there with their wife and playing happy family and you are dead last and they are kicking you the crumbs. I am not going to lie, there are times that I really do miss him and I get angry and I only cry every now and then. I pray a lot and ask God for what I need and to take this anger and sadness away. I miss the conversations and the intimacy and it’s going to take me awhile to find that with someone else because I trusted him quickly and I’m not ready for a new relationship yet but am trying to at least meet new people and have fun right now. The pain is still there and it’s close the surface. I push it down but it is there and I feel like it will always be with me because I feel like he has been the only man that I have ever truly loved and I gave him all of my so selflessly and wholeheartedly and I believed in us so deeply. We have to love ourselves and take care of ourselves just as we loved these mm. Love yourselves and take care of yourselves. Hugs ladies.

  • anonynmous38

    I hate these relationships…I hate what it does to us…I hate the emotional up and down…the constant heartbreak and disappointment…I hate it….I finally had enough…life shouldn’t be this painful…We deserve so much better…This is isnt enough for me…I want more…I deserve more…But I don’t wanna jump back into another relationship right away…I wanna take time for myself, heal my heart, rebuild my relationship with the lord…

    • JK

      I feel the same way. The scars are so deep. Seeking another relationship right now is not the answer. I tried but learned I was not emotionally ready, for one. But moreso the mistrust from the lies carried over into that relationship and significantly impacted it. It was not fair to him. I decided, for now, I need to get in a better place with me. Through to childhood men have done me wrong. That’s what I need to take a serious look at. It certainly has created the foundation for why I have tolerated these kinds of dysfunctional relationships. This “relationship”with mm was the longest since my divorce. I ask myself why have I settled for this? I finally got the courage to stand up and say I can’t do this anymore. What’s keeping me strong is when his wife reached out to me and expressed how hurt she was to find out about him communicating with me and me enabling him and asked that I leave him alone. That was my wake up call.

  • Katie C.

    Haven’t posted in months. I’ve been in an affair for almost 9 months. I’ve had a revelation over the last couple of days. MM is off on vacation with his wife The fact that there is virtually no chance of him contacting me has been a weight off my shoulders. I thought I would die when he announced he was going away with her for a few days (with family as well). But I’ve been so distraught the last few weeks and obsessing over whether or not he’s going to text me or call me during the work day, which he always does, but lately it has dwindled. I’ve been a ball of anxiety and have taking crying fits when he doesn’t call me on his lunch break, which happened twice last week with no explanation from him, and I didn’t ask so as not to appear clingy.

    But with him being gone the last couple of days, I feel like me again. The pit in my stomach is almost gone. I’m not obsessing over the phone. He did text me the night they arrived and said he wished I was there and that he has me there in spirit. His wife was in the hotel drinking as she does every night, and he went for a stroll on the beach and texted me and sent a couple of selfies. No word from him since other than him liking some of my posts on FB.

    This revelation has got me thinking that maybe I’m better off without this man I thought surely I couldn’t live without. I still love him and want him for myself , but I’m seeing how insecure I’ve become whereas I wasn’t before. I’m tired of getting the crumbs. Just as I am typing this, he texted and said he only had a minute because his wife, who is now suspicious, keeps going through his phone. Then he did his usual “got to go”. Ugh. I played everything cool, and I hope he thinks I’m going on dates because he knows men hit on me all the time. I don’t mean to sound arrogant.

    My point was to say how much better I have felt not expecting to hear from him. I can breathe now. My fear is that I’ll go back into anxiety mode when he returns from vacation. I’m trying to figure out how to keep rolling with this relief I feel now and perhaps be done with him.

    As far as his plans to leave his wife, he says he has to wait until he gets his finances in order. They are in the midst of selling a house. He’s afraid she’ll take everything. Yadda yadda yadda. My ex husband left me for the OW, so it does happen, but I know it’s not the norm. While I dream of us being together forever, I know the odds are very much against it.

    I also wanted to tell something super sweet he did last weekend. It was my first Mother’s Day that I would be spending alone as both my kids now live far away. He knew I was upset about that, so he surprised me and came over Saturday night and stayed overnight “so you wouldn’t have to wake up alone on mother’s day”. I really think he sincerely wanted to do something nice for me and not just have sex. I may be dumb for thinking that though. He does nice things for me all the time, but I guess men will do what it takes to keep that side piece going. He does tell me how much he loves me and misses me when we’re not apart. I suppose they all say that huh.

    Well, thanks for listening. Just wanted to share my revelation about how much better I’m feeling NOT expecting to hear from him. I really thought I’d basket case the whole time he was gone but just the opposite has happened. Miraculous.

  • Taylor

    Hi! I have been reading through comments for months. First and foremost, I am SO sorry to see so many of us in similar situations with MM. I have been involved with a mm for 5 years (this weekend is actually our 5 year anniversary)… We had been friends for 15 years before ever getting together. I knew him from school (our kids are the same age) and our gym. He had been after me for years and years, and I never, ever thought about being anything more than friends with him. Now, I am married as well, but in a VERY bad marriage. I cannot stand my husband, he is an alcoholic, and I know it’s cliche, but I have stayed in my marriage for my kids sake. Financially there is no way I can make it on my own, as much as I wish to make that happen. Anyways… after years of mm hitting on me, I decided to have lunch with him. Well lunch led into dinner the following night and a few weeks after we began our real affair. It has been full of ups and downs the entire time. It’s ALWAYS been on his time and his terms. He can only talk and text at work or if he is at home, when the wife is not around. I have the freedom to talk and text any time I want. First few months were great, kind of a whirlwind actually. 6 months into our relationship, I sent him a text telling him “Happy 6 month anniversary”. Well, he had fallen asleep and wife found his phone and saw my text. She questioned him about it and he said he did have lunches with me, but there was nothing physical going on. Supposedly, she believed what he said, but he told me we would need to “cool it” for awhile. He is high up in law enforcement, and ready to retire in 3 years. He said he was not willing to risk and lose 1/2 of everything he has worked so hard to earn to the wife. Well I was devastated, even tho it had been only 6 months at that time, we had really grown close. WAY closer than I anticipated, since it was HIM pursuing me. Fast forward about 6 more months, we ended up getting back together again. That one lasted awhile until some other things came up on his side and we started drifting. Eventually we did get back together again, and he told me he would work on putting more into our relationship, which he did for awhile. We had a REALLY good 5 or so months together where we saw each other a lot and talked a lot and was the most affectionate he had been. He would always tell me he missed me and send the cute little lovey emojis. LOL…..well, one day he wanted to meet and said that he felt we were getting way too close and not in so many words, but was insinuating he was really falling for me and he had to back things off for himself. He always said “I don’t know if we will ever run away together” and I have felt the same. For me, it’s always been a “live in the moment” situation. We have NEVER told each other we loved each other, and never even had any kind of “pet” names for each other. Which I guess thinking about it, is a little odd. So at that point we backed things off which lasted all of 3 weeks. However, once we were back together all the good things I really liked that he was doing, he stopped doing. So to try and sum this up….we have still been together for the most part. He is off one day a week, so we usually see each other that day and we text the others. But, I know his text time is limited at home and like many others here, the weekends SUCK!!! I wait and wait and wait to hear from him and then sometimes his texts are super short and distant which really pisses me off. He tells me sometimes the wife is right there when he is texting! So, that being said, I do understand that he and I are in MUCH different situations. He truly is leading a double life. He is with me and then goes home and has to pretend like nothing is going on. So, that part, I can’t imagine having to pretend like that, for I do not have to do that on my end since my husband and I have NO contact and have been in separate rooms for over 14 years!!! But… I am the one always waiting to hear from him. Sometimes his texts are just to say hi, but he can’t talk. And then there are days I don’t hear from him for hours (on the weekends). I get SO sick to my stomach constantly when either I haven’t heard from him, or he sends the short text. And the times that we did break up, I was literally in bed for days so sick. That I did have to pretend around my kids, for I truly just couldn’t get up and function much. So, I guess for me, I don’t see a future with this guy at all, but at the same time, the good times we do have together are incredible and I don’t want to give that part up!!! But, I know this can’t go on forever. I know he will never leave his wife, nor do I think I want him to do that. So now that we are at our 5 year mark, I am torn what to do!! Do I keep going another 5 years for what??? But, my head and heart are telling me completely different things. If I could take what we have when we are together (which is really all of 2 hours in a whole week) and bottle THAT up, life would be good. But, it’s all the days and hours that we are not together that just really kill me inside. So… I guess I am asking, how do I get the strength to get out of this relationship while I can. For ME to be the one to make the decision, but most importantly, for me to move on without that constant sick feeling day in and day out? I know how I felt when we broke up the couple of times, I just don’t know how I can get through it permanently? Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you so much!!!

    • Katie C.

      Holy crap… I could have written this post. I’m only nine months in, but it feels like forever. Also, I am divorced. But I know exactly how you’re feeling. Please see my post that I just posted today. The similarities are uncanny. I guess these affairs all follow the same script.

      No real advice but just know you’re not alone. I want to be the one to walk away and be in control of the situation. I want to get back to being who he fell in love with, then say cool it. I think you should ignore some of his texts and calls. That will put you back in a place of control of your feelings rather than his little toy. If he feels you pulling away, he will chase you, and that’s when you say “adios!” I’m preaching to myself here. He knows I have other men wanting to date me, so I need to make him wonder a little. I don’t like playing games though, so idk. I know I do not want him thinking I sit around waiting to hear from him. I suggest you work on your amazing self. Know your worth and value. Say affirmations to that effect. Go outside and enjoy life outside of him. Think of all the things that aren’t so great about him or the r/s. Get dolled up and go out on the town and watch men look at you. That will help you regain your confidence and worth.

      Lord help us all who are here and caught up in something we didn’t mean to happen 🙁

      • Jules

        Amen!

        N/C since January 29th.

        Still crying but less than before.

        The stories are all the same. My mm and I never had a chance. It was all a fantasy.

        Getting back to being my best self. Still not the woman he fell in love with, there is a scar on my heart, but it is healing.

        • Nomad

          Jules
          Nc since 27 Feb, day 83 and reaching 90 soon! They say we should be done by 90, why is it I don’t feel I’m done? I was feeling the anxiety days before my birthday in early May, nothing happened. I thank him for not reaching out even on my birthday which tells me he’s done, he has set us free, he’s enjoying his family bliss, he has forsaken, he has shown me life is as such.

          I didn’t die from all these triggers. Life goes on.

        • Leigh ann

          That’s awesome Jules! My nc has been since January 21. I too still cry but like you not as much. I went away for the long weekend and I’m finally healing. It feels good. So anyone who is still struggling with the beginning stages of nc it gets better and you will find yourself again. Be strong in your resolve and there will come a time when your mm will be become a memory. Either one that you are thankful is a situation you are happy to be out of or like me one that I’m glad I’m out of but I have fond memories of being with him. We deserve better. Stay strong ladies and do you and enjoy life! Girl power💪🏻

      • Taylor

        Hi Katie! Thank you for your reply!! These things we KNOW we need to do are SO much easier said than done. I really wish I could ignore his texts or calls, but it’s so hard. I feel if I ignore his texts, that is one less opportunity I have to talk to him. And then I know I would still be feeling sick thinking I didn’t reply. This weekend though is a a prime example of how the weekends are so tough to get through. Yesterday he texted me mid day saying “Can’t talk, just saying hi. We’ll talk later”….so in ways, I feel good that he was thinking about me, but in other ways I feel like it’s an obligatory text to make me feel like he’s thinking about me. So, I don’t hear from him again until after 7 last night. We texted for a little while, but pretty boring,short texts, for I am sure wife was right there in the house too. And then of course I have to wonder what he does all day since he can’t text me. He has always told me that he does get along with her, but as friends, they haven’t had a physical relationship in years. Which I know is what most men say. For whatever reason, I have believed him, but probably being played a fool.

        So today he is working half day till noon and said last night he would text me this morning. Well as of yet, I haven’t heard from him. He’s been there a few hours. My thoughts are he KNOWS are texting windows are limited, he could have least sent a Good morning text even if that’s all he could say right now. I just HATE analyzing everything single thing that happens with us, it should NOT be that hard!!! Today is our 5 year anniversary and if I look back, I have NO idea how I have stayed in it for so long. Yet…. I still don’t know how to get out on my terms. I know we say just do it, but I don’t have the strength to do it!!! 🙁

        Oh and I do have other guys interested in me, and he knows that! Unfortunately, they are all married too, so that does not help my cause. I will absolutely not get involved with another married man. Nor am I even looking to get involved with anyone else. I just need the strength and courage to break it off with him…..

        Wishing you the best too Katie, keep us posted!!! ♥

    • Tricia

      Hi, Tylor . First off I’m sorry about your marriage. Now how try and recover from a affair with a married man real talk PRAY to GOD !!! That he removes those feelings you have for him and at best the married man take mercy on you and leave you alone permanently!! Your heart will for him and it will be along painful road but there is life after the married man . It been 7 months for me and like Jules said there is scars on your heart I recently saw my Ex Mm and he still make my heart skip a beat so I know I must stay away . Taylor at some it all ends he leaves or we get just tried of everything. Stay Strong and Positive Vibes .

  • JK

    The pattern of this emotional roller coaster I am still on….after about a month goes by of nc I get my secret email from mm again asking me things to try to get me to open up my thoughts and feelings about us. I will not provide him the answers he wants and immediately turn it back on him and say, “that’s something you should be asking your wife “, or that’s between you and her”. “It is her thoughts and feelings that should be priority “. He says he “needs” to know my thoughts and feelings because has not gotten past “us”. He continues to bring up how he’s trying to make his marriage work but it’s not working. But not once does he mention leaving his marriage. He just says “ I am not asking you to tell me what to do with my marriage, I just need peace to understand how you truly feel” . He is playing the shoulda, coulda, woulda card about us. It’s frustrating him I will not open up. I am not going to. I have a wall up to not allow to get emotionally involved and allow more hurt. I will not dare tell him how I miss him and how happy I felt living life with him and now how hurt and sad I feel. That is how I am taking my power back. Do not give him the satisfaction of knowing anything about me, my life now. He obviously is not happy. Why does he continue to contact me? The bigger question is why am I responding? I can’t talk to anyone anymore who I have talked to because they have told me to NOT respond, Do not give this guy anymore of your time and emotional energy. Let it go! And they are right. Even by just responding is allowing him to still have some level of control over me. I thought by not answering his questions was enough, but the true fact is I am still responding. Last message to me was Goodbye…again. As with many previous messages. I am not strong enough to not respond. I am going to need to change my email.

  • T

    Reading all of the stories on here has been a comfort for me, it’s a very tough situation to find yourself in as there’s no one you can talk to about how much your heart is breaking.
    I have known my mm for over 10 years as we work for the same company, around 18 months ago after a night out he expressed an interest in me, after around 12 months of him pursuing me I finally gave in and since then we have had a very intense 8 month affair, we are both married, my marriage is in trouble and I guess he caught me at a weak moment. My job involves a fair amount of staying away so I suppose there are lots of ‘opportunities’ but I have NEVER engaged in anything like this before and I think he enjoyed the fact that he saw me as ‘untouchable’ and probably enjoyed the conquest.
    I broke it off around 2 months ago, it was a shock for him, he was still happy with ‘our situation’ although he admits that he knew it was escalating between us. I had become unhappy, He had announced he was going on holiday with his family and I decided that I couldn’t deal with being the ‘other woman’ in his life any more. I told him I would walk from my marriage but he said he couldn’t leave his kids, he didn’t love his wife anymore but felt he couldn’t hurt his children. I told him I understood, which I do, but I still felt massively rejected and vulnerable for putting myself out there so much.
    He wanted to stay in contact which I tried for a few weeks but after seeing him at a work function I felt like I fell apart and asked for no contact so that I could heal. About 2 weeks in to no contact he text saying that he hoped I was ok. After about a week I replied to tell him that I was doing ok, that I understood his decision and that I want him to be happy and wished him well. He responded by telling me that whatever I may think of him that this has been very difficult for him too, but he understands that what we had deserved to be more and that I deserved more.
    I kind of feel like he did really care about me and maybe loved me, I know I loved him and it still hurts but every day gets easier.
    He has text a few times since, just small talk and I have responded in kind, I don’t want things to be unpleasant between us and I’m managing ok so far with just being polite, I’m done with being 2nd best in his life and feel like I can walk away with my dignity, I chose to end it, we never argued, I never asked anything of him, I hope for him I will be ‘the one that got away’ and hope I don’t ever get sucked back in…..

  • Hayley

    Anna is spot on ladies.. we need to remember who the fook we are!! It’s such a cliche to say this but when you start loving yourself again the whole NC becomes so much easier.. turn all that love inwards. It took such a long time to get to this point it’s roughly 11 days again for me and that was after him contacting me but I actually don’t care that he’s gone this time. I am not contacting him and that’s a promise i make to each and everyone of you.. will he contact me when his bucket is empty from his holes? You bet ya! Right now he’s expecting me to reach out I know he is but eventually time will dawn on him that I won’t be that’s when he loses his power.
    I hope he’s miserable, I hope she’s nagging him, I hope he’s missing me.. (damn right he will be) and it serves him right for making me feel like I was never enough. I’m more than enough.
    Pleaseeeee knock these mm off the pedestal we have them on.. they are actually weak insecure cowards we should feel sorry for them for being pathetic and not choosing a better life.
    My mm let me down one to many times for my liking and that was my turning point.. I was in a relationship with my phone not him & when a woman loses attraction for a man they move on.. this is when men become weaker and this is when us ladies need to be strong not to return when they try to press the reset button and know one day that is likely to happen when their buckets are empty & we have disappeared.. men are hunters it’s in their natures to come lurking around again. Let’s not allow it.
    In the meantime ladies don’t be slaves to your phones.. leave them at home, in your car whatever! Watch some feel good films (I’m watching the entire rerun of friends) just because.. well.. why not!! I’m doing me.. and it feels good. I’ve dyed my hair purple at the age of 38 just because.. and I love it.. I’m just sorry he will never get to see it. HA!!
    He’s just a loser in my eyes. So to the ladies struggling.. it’s time to stop obsessing and do you cause you are worth more than gold & don’t let this stupid MM make you think otherwise. Girl power.

    • Leigh ann

      You said it Haley!! I have been worried about whether he would come back. Why am I wasting time and tears on a guy who is such a coward he broke up with me over text message! He couldn’t even face me. What’s with that. I deserved better than that after a year and a half. I’m living my life free of guilt and shame. It feels good too! I’m planning a kick ass vacation, the first one in many years and I won’t let thoughts of him ruin it! He’s the loser not me. I had the strength to leave my unhappy marriage and built a great life. You are so right Anna we as women are so much stronger than they are! Well I’m rebuilding my life and smiling again I say later loser. You are a coward and you lost a great catch. So enjoy your unhappy unfulfilling life while I go out and grab life by the balls and enjoy every moment. You hit the nail on the head Haley. We need to stop obsessing about the cowards and be happy. We will get there ladies. Girl power is right Haley! 💪🏻

    • Anna

      I want to dye my hair pink. Been wanting to do it for a long time… that pretty ombré pink. And I totally agree with you, I was in a relationship with my phone too! I even got carpal tunnel syndrome from holding my phone it was in my hand alll the time!!! Crazy isn’t it what these men do to us. I will spare you about how he got me addicted to phone and video sex. Sorry if TMI girls… let’s just say my mm ruined me in more ways than one and the addiction was not healthy. It is good to move on but it is not easy. This was a real addiction and he messed with my heart, head, body and soul. But I WILL get through it! Girl POWER!

      • JK

        It is VERY important that we do something for ourselves to make us feel good about ourselves and take back our dignity. I have no judgement on anyone here. May we all be able to look back and say, who was I???? That’s not the person I know.

  • Tricia

    Hi Sonja . These relationship with these married man all end at point and time and it’s always painful because it’s a slow death too them and we watch it deteriorate. Yes it does get better but it’s a long road to recovery. You already know you deserve better treatment from a man don’t blame yourself for his actions be kind to yourself take this time to help yourself heal some . Positive Vibes !!

  • Anna

    Hi Hayley, Tricia, Nomad, Leigh Ann,
    He has not contacted me and I don’t think he will. As Tricia said perhaps it is an act of kindness. I think men are different. There is too much to lose. They have to provide for their families and their children, even if the kids are grown, maybe like my mm, he has 2 kids in college and he is strapped. He can’t just walk away from that. His income would be cut massively. I think this is what goes through the Mm mind and they consider it a matter or survival. I’m many ways, women are much stronger than men. I have been a single mom for almost 20years and i am a self made success. Single mothers are very strong. But these mm are weak. They have no idea how to start over, don’t want to and are afraid. The question was asked do I think they are happy. No I don’t. I asked my mm that many times. Each time he answered with “I guess I’m happy enough. YOU make me happy… happier than I’ve ever been”. But it wasn’t enough to leave. A mm having an affair is like a bucket full of holes. They are full when they are having the affair but when we leave their lives are full of holes again. So no o don’t believe they are happy. And that is what they deserve for not having the strength to be true to themselves.
    I have been moving forward. Going on dates, putting myself out there. Why shouldn’t I? I know I’m a good catch. Other than being hung up on mm, I have a lot going for me and it’s time I started believing in myself. I’m going on vacation out of the country at the end of this month and I can’t wait to get far, far away!!! Hugs ladies!!!

    • JK

      I agree with everything you said. Deep down these men are not happy, or they wouldn’t have seeked out a relationship with someone outside their marriage. There is a void in their lives. They are afraid and are comfortable with staying in a situation that is familiar. I try not to focus on mm and their happiness rather on me, coming to terms their choice to stay in their marriage, and me breaking away from this unhealthy, emotionally hurtful relationship making a promise to keep moving forward living life and finding inner peace.

  • Tricia

    Ladies. Question, what do we really miss from these relationship from these married man ? Is it the attention and affection they gave us ? The friendship we thought we had and connection ? Or just the idea of them ? I personal think it’s all . But it’s us who really brought everything to the table and yeah some people can say we helped their marriage out and I guess we did ? But when they left us or we left them we took everything back from the table which we gave including our magic touch and power !! So I’ll say if they don’t miss us they will don’t worry ladies. Chin Up !!

  • Sonya

    We were hardly seeing each other for last six weeks and that was making me very frustrated so the little I saw of him went infighting ,arguing.He was clearly avoiding me and I knew I had to call it off but I just couldn’t find the courage to do so .yesterday when I left a message for him to talk on phone because he was supposed to be working ,he sarcastically wrote not today sweetheart it’s mother’s day.Rather then wishing me a happy mother’s day.i got very upset and I wrote back ..I m another too but guess I just became the other women you have sex with .I always wish him on everything including his daughter’s communion and this is wheat I got .Today he sent a big message saying how I m too much the way I act , talk and text and he can’t do it anymore and he needs a break and he will reach out to me when he thinks he is ready to talk.and that we work in same place some times so to be amicable and not to corner him to talk.This is after three years of being together . He just finished it like that I spite of knowing how much I love him.it is unbearable ..I cant stop crying while I work and I can’t afford that.Ladies tell me it will get better . Tell me I will eventually get stronger .He never gave me a chance to talk and clarify.i was asking him to give me an opportunity to talk and clarify for last few days which he avoided saying I worry and think too much and it’s that he is busy and things will fall into place.btw he has clearly told me he is not going to change his family dynamic there is no possibilty of that .But guess I loved him so much that I was willing to take anything he is ready to give me .How pathetic when I am a self made independent woman who is a doctor just like him.

    • JK

      First of all , how rude for him to not acknowledge you on Mother’s Day, at least, since you contacted him. But then again his wife was probably around and was fearful of her finding out . Amazing how their demeanor changes from idolizing you to you bothering them. He knows how to manipulate you. He knows you will wait for him until the next time he reaches out to you at his convenience.

    • Riya

      Hugs to you Sonya. The way these Mms cut us off their lives is very cruel. They have an amazing capacity to compartmentalize which I realized during the course of my grieving. It will get better, trust me. Slowly but eventually it will happen. The pain fades and we will learn how to cope, heal and actually smile. Our true worth is something they are not lucky enough to experience is what I am telling myself. Sending you positive energy dear.

      • Sonya

        Thank you ladies. My heart breaks everytime I think of him and then I remind myself of all the pain I have gone through. And for what, few moments to be with him. Its not worth it.I was planning to move out of the city for long time but my love for him was holding me off. Atleast now I am free to do so ,taking baby steps at this time.

  • Hayley

    Wow I’m finally feeling better and moving on.. it’s taken a longggg time this time on off on off no contact but the slow fade must have worked on me. He contacted me 9 days ago with a picture of a famous woman saying ‘your twin’ we exchanged a few messages but nothing since and I’m actually fine with this.
    I think ‘indifference’ is the key. I’ve stopped obsessing, stalking his social media, reading about this subject to the point I wonder how i ever found the time to entertain him.
    My MM is in and out of my life like a yo yo over 14 years. He will never leave her and that’s ok but I need to stop allowing this. I don’t think he was in love with me I think I just provided something he’s clearly lacking so for now hes playing happy families again but I know in time he will try to press the reset button with me again cause this is what he does.. this is the pattern.
    I don’t know what it all means.. I’m starting to think I was just using him for something also I don’t think it was love although I believed it was at the time. But for now I guess he is respecting my space & it’s finally working. My problem is to not fall back in the trap cause I just don’t see the point of it all.
    I wish him well now. I finally know him not choosing me really is his loss. I believe absence make the heart grow fonder for men but for women I think it’s more out of sight out of mind and when we reach our final point most women are done and DO move on. This seems to always be the case for me anyway it just takes a while to get to that point.
    Yeah I miss him but it doesn’t hurt anymore and I’m smiling again. He can do what he likes I wish him well and I never thought I would say that. That’s indifference.
    So ladies hang in there.. distance and time really is the answer. No man on this planet is worth the pain. No man!

  • Tricia

    Hello ladies. Well I couldn’t take it anymore I went to my Ex Mm office yesterday really to just see him it’s been since Oct 15th last yr !! I missed him so much anyway I had my hair done feeling good went there he was surprised and I think he was happy to see me but he wasn’t there alone a coworker was there which was probably good because I was going to throw my little pride out the window and tell him how much I miss him and throw myself at him ? Really I know ladies .He still looked the same he let his hair grow out and it grey and I love it !! Anyway when I saw his coworker there I decided to play it off and ask to speak to his associate which was not there . My Ex Mm asked me how was I doing ? I said fine and Damn near ran out the door ! He probably knew at some point I would return but I cannot have him and history would only be repeating it’s self . I just miss him so much and I don’t feel stupid or a shame for going there it’s natural to miss them it’s a process thou. Anyway that my short story . Continue to stay strong ladies !!

  • Tammy

    I was at the same place you are now 3yrs ago, He could come back but most importantly you need to live your life and start new!! If he does come back he needs to be when he’s free to give you what you need and deserve!! My MM came back after no contact from me, he came back several times in different stages, he made the decision he can’t live wt out me, later he moved in wt a friend first but no place of his own or start for divorce, second time he did move into his own place but still didn’t file for divorce n finally filed for divorce but didn’t really make things move forward till 4 months ago. It’s been a very long road but I kept my boundaries of what I needed n I let him make discussions on his own n in his own time to know I was really what he wanted. I did not hold his hand through this but kept my distant every time he came back to me me wt progress, I think he was hoping I would be ok at some point wt where he was n he didn’t want to hurt his children mainly which I understand but kept my boundaries. His divorce is final next month n we are slowly dating like normal happy couples should n don’t have to hide in public which is a heaven sent or guilt!! I am not proud of how we met but I am thankful I did find him cause I’ve never felt so connected or loved by anyone like this before. We were together for a yr when I knew I couldn’t continue a life wt him that was going no where, It’s been a long 3 yrs struggle for him to get where he is now, it was so very hard n painful for me not to just to cave in at some points cause I love him so much but he himself had to decided he couldn’t live an unhappy life any longer n seeing me out on dates or wt friends made him realize he wanted a life wt me. We are extremely happy now n he will meet the rest of my family next month after his divorce is final….long road but he moved a mountain for us to be together. He feels his soon to be ex wife is happier too now except for the fact that she has to actually work for living now n he has joint custody of his son which is working well. He’s been slowly introduced to my son n daughter n they really like him, I never thought I’d ever be in this happy place….there is hope but there has to boundaries on what you need n he has to be the one to choose what he wants, I never pushed but took steps back n let him come to me. I have been in your pain n it’s an awful feeling of sadness, hurt, loneliness, depression n guilt. 4 yrs is a long time but I continued to live my life as if he wasn’t coming back, I kept myself busy n I did date n I won’t lie I compared everyone to him but I told myself he had a life n he was living the life he choose n I needed to find mine! Lots of loneliness but be kind to yourself n find things to put yourself into to stay busy n lose focus on him, find your peace! I know I would have been ok if he never came back n a lil bit of my heart would always love him n you can get there too but it takes work to get to that stage, stay the course sweet gal❣️

    • Nomad

      Tammy

      Spot on! I’m continuing to live my life as if he wasn’t coming back. Day 75 of nc… when will I stop counting?

      Today it’s hurting a little to feel that he has forsaken me; he treated me badly, coming and go as he wishes, making me so sad. We had one good year, followed by 2 years heading towards a natural death and here we are, I am done.

      I wish he’s struggling and missing me. I wish he’s as miserable as me. But he has clearly outdone me in moving on. I’ve to live my life as if he’s dead.

      • Tammy

        Nomad, Please stop counting, I know it’s hard, put yourself into something else close to your heart!! I joined my local junior league and made some great friends and did a lot volunteering along wt chairing our local 5k that took up all my time. I purposely left my phone in my car at times so I wouldn’t check it and eventually there came days when I’d realize I didn’t think about him. Your MM does miss you but he has decided to live another life and you need to find yours and not be lost in his! You deserve more, if you’re stuck on him then when the right guy does comes along you won’t be ready!! Write down all his flaws n all the sadness he’s caused you n when sad or thinking of him read those to remind yourself!! It’s a pretty strong message to yourself and it reminds you that you deserve someone that will move mountains for you!! I know your hurt I lived it for 4yrs and I know my situation is one of the few that moved forward but you will love again when it’s the right guy!! Be kind n encourage yourself, pity him cause he’s stuck n pray he will find his peace!!

  • Heartbroken

    Hi ladies. Hope you’re doing good.
    He called work phone today to verbally wish me a early Happy Mother’s Day, and said he would send me a text the day of. I felt bad so told to him to not text me on Mother’s Day I won’t get it because I have already blocked and deleted his number. He was livid, asking why I tried to hard to make him mad. Said he’s not a bad man, said he is just trying to make things right for everyone involved (going back to his wife and I should to my husband), said if we go back to how we were before then soon complication will start again with wife’s intuition getting stronger and me neglecting my family…. Said I made it clear that I would not leave my family anyway, so he can’t risk his. Said he thinks we can still be good to one another by being good loving friends and leave the emotions out of it. I said I can’t, because we shared so much and it stirs old feelings. We ended the conversation bad.

    I’m in pain again; this is like death. He clearly shows he loves his wife and cares about her feelings so much. Even confessed that they are doing much better now, but yet still wants me close because “I’m very special” to him. It aches my heart knowing he has no plan to be with me romantically, and to have the old “us” even when I made it clear I won’t be asking much from him.

    Now listening to Nobody Knows It But Me, and tears dropping down my cheeks — “Like a clown I put on a show. The pain is real even if nobody knows. Now I’m crying inside and nobody knows it but me…” You ladies should listen to it. It actually feels good crying….very healing.

    Hugs and Happy Mothers Day to all the moms.

  • Nomad

    Anna, Tricia, Leigh Ann, Haley,

    I’m back from my 1-2 wks holidays and I managed to quickly catch up with your updates. I’m sorry to hear about the nc that were broken, I know how hard it must have been to muster the courage to break it and then regret it.

    I’m clocking 73 days of nc… hugs and sending positive vibes that we will emerge stronger!

  • Tricia

    Hi, Anna . Oh Anna I think most of Us ladies here related to what you say in being mental because when have been abused by these men on some level maybe some of us not aware of it. It ashame how we carry these emotional scare around it’s been 7 months now and my Ex Mm still lingers in my mind . I’m happy to see your trying to move forward with your life remember the best is yet to come !! Do you ladies !

    • anna

      Hi Tricia. It is very complicated. Maybe they killed us with kindness on some level, but how kind is it to drag someone along when you know the outcome and still keep them hanging on for more. Even though I cherish the good times me and mm had, he should have been honest with me… Yet had he been honest, we would have never had all those special moments that to me, were very real. You could drive yourself crazy thinking about all of it! I hope this therapy can help me reach a closure…. Hugs!

      • Tricia

        Anna. Reading your past post I know this sound crazy to you but I think your married man cared about you and your affair with him was very intense and I don’t think he intently wanted to hurt you but the situation got messy and you got hurt . Sometimes they get caught up too in fantasy but realize soon that things must come to an end and sometimes I believe they are just as hurt too sometimes but we will never know it and they cannot show it too much damage has been done so they don’t come back . Sometimes I look at it like this . ( this is real a act of kindness by let us go ) So we can move on as painful as it is . There Is a man out in the world who will cherish you and flatter you and love you believe that .

        • Leigh ann

          Wow Tricia that helped me so much! I have been telling myself that he doesn’t even think about me and that he’s on to the next but then there’s the part of me that believes what you just said. He got caught up in it all thought he could leave and then realized he couldn’t that there was just too much to lose. I believe he did love me and I don’t know if he will ever come back. This is the first time we broke up and from what I read they come back at some point. I don’t think I would be able to go through all this again if he did come back. You are right…. he did do me a favour by cutting me loose. He said he wanted me to find someone who could look after me the way he wasn’t able to. I told him I would always carry him in my heart and he said I was an incredible woman and he would think about me always. He said maybe with time it would get easier to live without him. I asked him if it would get easier for him and he said no and that he wouldn’t be happy without me. I want to believe all this and I want to believe what we had was real. I miss him so much but it’s getting easier every day. I have basically just released it all to the universe and whatever happens happens. I’m going to live my life the best way I can and try to be happy. Hugs to everyone stay strong it gets better 😊

          • Anna

            My mm said all of that to me too. I think what made it worse for me is that he came back the second time and we went through it all again. But I know it is hard for them because they aren’t happy. We did give them something. We are the ones who got away. I don’t want to go through it again. I feel like if he comes back again it needs to be our time. But what you said makes perfect sense Tricia. Thank you so much. It has helped more than you could ever know.

          • Nomad

            Leigh Ann, here’s what you said which resonated with me: he did do me a favour by cutting me loose.

            Weekend was hard. I had imagined his family picture perfect that they’ve planned for next holiday in June and Dec, birthdays celebrations in Sep (W & kid) and his in Dec overseas; that he’s relieved he’s done with me and felt better than before, making better love to his W (whom he claimed she rejected sex for few years); he has blocked me for 1month+ so that I wouldn’t see him online and ruminate over him preying or found my replacement.

            I wanted him to struggle and mourn for our natural death. How could he moved on and making me feeling used and worthless enough that he could easily forsaken me? Why did I take so long (1-2yrs) to see all these (fantasy, addiction and lies) and cornered into acceptance? I just wanted his attention, affection, falling in love, against morals, guilt, bad karma, risks just to be with him. Back then i could still go all out because he was so “real” and wanted us no matter what. But now, I ruminated in disgust, remorse and sadness.

            Tricia said: Sometimes they get caught up too in fantasy but realize soon that things must come to an end; sometimes they are just as hurt too but we will never know it and they cannot show it and too much damage has been done so they don’t come back; As sometimes I look at it as this is real an act of kindness by letting us go

            Yes, we’ll never know so I snapped myself out of dwelling and overthinking because we’ll never know his thinking and how much he lied about his marriage and how have we helped in their marriage and how happy are they now. But I wanted him to struggle and feel the pain and miss me and regret his asshole behavior of throwing crumbs, come and go as he wishes and not dealing with my pain, anxiety and insecurity.

            I’m forced into living as if he’s dead. There is still good vibes in me telling myself not to waste anymore time and emotions on him but days like last wkends were a little harder than wkends distracted by work and chores. Looking back, I’ve come far and it’s been 76days of nc. I even survive the week of my birthday (last year, it was devastating as I’d ruminate whether he’d wish me or reach out etc and dealing with the torrential emotions if he did or didn’t reach out). This year, I chose to spend my bd overseas so that I’d not overthink and feel sad. It helped. The wound continued to heal, very slowly, least, the scap is still intact and the wound did not bleed.

            How to achieve indifference… the fact that I still want him to struggle is a bad sign that I’m not done. Having read about Tricia (7months!!!) and Anna recent updates, I was actually feeling worried and scared for myself. I’m still vulnerable and under his mercy. Each day I’ll thank him for staying away and I must make good use of this period to recreate my life (despite I’m still feeling the emotional void, craving for his body), one day at a time. I’d feel sad that the good memories with him is fading (I couldn’t recall the lyrics of the song he wrote and sang for me on my bd in 2017, now that’s a bitter sweet progress isn’t it)

            My apologies for ranting but I wanted to reach out to you all to seek comfort and strength to go on… as I think I’m still hoping and waiting… I’m faking my letting go and moving on…

        • Nomad

          Tricia, too much damage and so they are not coming back or they’ve found someone new… couldn’t help to ruminate how’s their life during the nc. I still think of him everyday. It scares me to realize I’m still waiting and hoping and trying to continue living as if he’s dead. Why is it that they cannot show or simply they do not care? Out of sight out of mind… they can but we cannot.

          It hurts last wkends when I imagined he’d be celebrating mother’s day with his kids (sexless and loveless marriage but coexist to keep family intact); and that he’s happier without me and I was a haunting mistake; he gave me nothing yet I’m here ranting about my vulnerability and the power he still has over me.

          Least I no longer curious if he’s still blocking me but I’m no longer wavering from unblocking him. Let him block and I’m thankful for his kindness to let go…

          Leigh Ann & Anna, let us heal together and I need strength from you here!

          • Tricia

            Hi. Nomad . I wish I could give u a hug you sound so sad ! Look do you really think we are forgettable that easy ? Well I don’t think we are but these married man cannot think about us everyday because it will kill them slowly because they really cannot have us some of them have too much too lose to divorce they are just going motions of being married and it don’t really matter if they’re happy or not . And being with another woman only add more drama too their lives not endless he Hoe ? Leigh married man sound like a very caring man ! Keep us around on a string only hurt us so if your married man care about you he would stay away because he know your true worth and value as a woman and want you to find your own husband and happiness. Listen to this song by Chicago called ( No tell lover ). Positive Vibes ladies!!!

          • Leigh ann

            Hi Nomad. Things are getting easier for me. The further I get from the situation the better it gets. And I believe he does think of me often. I don’t know if the reason he broke up with me is because she found out or it was just too hard for him to be with me. I want to believe he did love me so I don’t want to live like he is dead. I just have to keep moving forward in my life and try not to let him and the memories overwhelm me. It’s getting easier it’s been almost 4 months now. And I do think about him every day. I feel so much like you sometimes. Like how did he just forget me or decide I was a mistake or whatever he thinks. He told me I changed his life… just not enough for him to be with me which does hurt. I don’t want to be angry I want to try to have fond memories of him. Healing is a process and we will all get there! Hugs 🤗

          • Leigh ann

            Thank you Tricia. You have helped me once again 😊. I miss him so much but he does have a lot to lose so I guess he will continue with just going to though the motions. I carry him in my heart every day and hope we will meet again sometime. But I’m still going to keep moving. Hugs to you. You have helped me see things clearly again. 🤗

  • Tricia

    Falling . Read the stories of these lovely ladies on this site and you will see all the are really basically the same question how do I leave this affair ? Dealing with a married man is no small thing you will get caught up into a world of fantasy the more you see him and have him the more you crave him it’s a addictive ! He will most like never leave is wife your self esteem will disappear and you will go down a dark place of sadness every time he leave and he will start to ignore your phone calls and your texts and slowly start to M.I.A in time . You will see you was just a conquest it’s all just smoke and mirrors. Pray to God for the strength to leave this highly toxic relationship I truly hope you find a Good relationship with someone who truly love you ! Positive Good Vibes .

    • Falling

      Hello. Im new and so glad I Found this site. I have nobody to turn to. I work in a kitchen and my mm is the chef. I have been there 8 months and from the get go he has shown an interest. I didnt know he was married at first but as soon as I found out I was livid! I decided to beat him at his own game and flirted heavily knowing full well i wouldnt touch him with a barge pole. Only it backfired massively because the more i got to know him the more I liked him as a person. I started to develop feelings for him but fought them off. He would try to kiss me and I would swerve it. Every tx was me replying with a sarcastic referance to his wife honestly I wasn’t taking any of his bs there is no way i was becoming his salad! One day in December he came at me and i wasnt prepared, I gave in and kissed him passionately. That evening I was full of remorse and vowed it would never happen again. He tried and i resisted for weeks until it did happen again. In total we kissed and groped eachother 4 times. I have felt terrible and finally ended it for good in March. I have been celibate for 10 years so sex was never on the agenda certainly not with him. Recently i decided to cut the txin as i felt this was still an emotional affair. Well i dont know what happened but on friday he cornered me again and after 2 months of being strong i melted and kissed him. He was touching me and my jeans were down at this point i should have pulled them up and left instead he bent me over and before i could protest he had entered me and cum. All in a matter of minutes. So now i have done the one thing i said i wouldnt do and had sex with him. He has apologised for getting carried away and says he never heard me say no tbh i cant remember if i did or not. This scene has happened before and i always stop him before it gets too far. But even so he KNOWS i would never have sex with him so why the hell did he do that? I feel so disgusted with myself i can barely look in the mirror and i cant face work this week at all. And the worse thing is once my anger subsides i will go right back to wanting him again. He says he is sorry and is praying to God to resist me in future. The sexual attraction is pure fire.We are both trying so hard but cant seem to stop as the bond is so strong. We are so similar as people like two peas in a pod well except on the morals front!I can see myself falling hard for this guy and i have no idea how to stop it. He is honestly the sweetest guy i have ever met. I dont know what to do.

      • JK

        It’s not stated where all these encounters are taking place. My first reaction to what you described in his “ moment of passion “ is that it happened so fast. He was only thinking of meeting his needs, not even considering yours. As for how to stop it, nothing will come good out of the situation. You will most likely get tired of not being his priority. And his wife will get hurt when, not if, she finds out about things. It’s only a matter of time. I have been there.

      • Foolish

        Hi Falling. There are a few things you said about this guy’s behavior that are concerning to me but the biggest one is his lack of consideration of your feelings. You said you communicated to him that you didn’t want to have sex with him yet he took advantage of the moment and crossed that line with you. At that moment he was thinking of his own wants with no regard for you. It doesn’t sound like he values you for who you are. I think you should cut him loose now. The longer you wait the harder it will be. I know from experience. Yes it will hurt but you will eventually feel better about yourself. We all deserve to have someone who truly cares about us-beyond the lust, wanting our bodies, wanting us to stroke their egos and emotions and make them feel good about themselves. You deserve someone who will respect every part of you and see your value. His behavior isn’t going to change. In fact it is probably going to get worse. But whatever you decide to do I hope you continue to come here or find someplace you can go for support. I tried dealing with things myself for a long time because I had no one I could go to and my depression just got deeper. I don’t want you to experience that same darkness.

        • Fallin

          This happened at work when every1 had gone home. The fact it happened there adds to my shame and disgust I would never normally do something like this but it happened so fast I literally had a delayed reaction to what was happening. It all seems such a blur. I agree totally about him being selfish and have told him so. He says he holds himself accountable and is very sorry for what he did. Im still angry but the fact he is taking responsibility makes me feel for him more. I know he sounds like a jerk but honestly he is a good guy deep down aside from being a cheat. I now need to find a way to live with the guilt whilst continuing to fight these feelings for him. He also said he is going to tell the wife but will protect my name.

          • JK

            Time will tell with his words/actions. If he is tells his wife, it is most likely because of guilt not to end his marriage. Advice I give you is his actions speak louder than words.

      • anna

        Hi Fallin.
        I would cut him loose. He is not a sweet guy because he is deceiving his wife. He is only showing you one side of himself. Think about what he is doing to his wife. If he can lie to her and deceive her, he can hurt you the same way. Is that what you want? You need to establish boundaries with this man. Sexual affairs start out white hot in the beginning but the hurt you will experience is not worth those stolen moments of excitement and lust. Trust me on this. What will happen is that you will start to become addicted and attached and develop feelings and have needs that a mm can’t meet. You will slide into depression and sadness. If you read all the posts here you will see that there is not a single happy ending. Think about if you want to put yourself through that and add your story to the ones here. The pain is serious. You need to put strong boundaries up now to protect yourself.

      • Fallin

        Thank you ladies for replying. Just to clarify I KNOW there is no future with him. I believe how you get them is how you lose them. I also believe in sister solidarity and am normally a big advocate for other women. I am the type that will walk past look you up and down then tell you you have great skin or your jacket is cute THAT is who I am not some temptress who wrecks other peoples marriage. What I have done is despicable and I need to repent. It is not going to be easy because this guy gets me like nobody iv ever met. I am normally so controlled and principled I hate that iv become this person. I just want out of the whole thing. Really wish I could leave my job and forget about him. The feelings he gives me are addictive. I need to be stronger but easier said than done. He knows he did me wrong by having sex with me and feels guilty. Its a lil confusing though because he says he was wrong but insists im not a mistake. I on the other hand feel it was a mistake. He also told me he loves his wife. He only seems to be expressing remorse for the fact i didnt want this not for the actual cheating. He keeps apologising and is checking on me every day as iv taken the week off work. I do need to set boundaries as this must never ever happen again. I need to resist him,I will use this site to get me through it.

        • JK

          He is all over the place with his words. He apologizes, he feels guilty, he loves his wife, but all was not a mistake. I went through same. They talk in circles.

  • Anna

    I’m struggling tonight. I miss mm and have been thinking about breaking NC. I KNOW I shouldn’t and that nothing positive will come of it but I miss him. It would be so much easier if he would reach out to me. I just can’t understand how he could tell me all those things and not care. Doesn’t he think about me? Isn’t he struggling too?

    For any women on here who are thinking about having an affair, please learn from me! Do NOT do it!!!!! The hurt never completely goes away!!!!!!

    • Jules

      Anna you are correct. I only wish that I knew about this website BEFORE I fell for my mm. I never would have engaged in it. It has been over 90 days NC. I still cry almost every day of the week. You are correct; the hurt never completely goes away!!!
      At this point I ask myself if it ever really happened? Did I dream that affair? Then I see the White Castle hamburger sliders, cardboard containers that I saved when I visited him. I never had White Castle sliders before and he was so excited to share that with me. Yes, I saved the small boxes that the sliders were in. As I type this I am overwhelmed with the sense of how pathetic I am. Crumbs.

      I think about how I became tearful during our affair and I broke down crying, sometimes even in public. He would just look at me. No emotion on his face. It made him feel powerful. He enjoyed the power that he had to bring me to the depths of despair. Then he would tell me that he loved me. Love. That is love? He ‘loves’ his wife too. ‘Loves’ her while he sits in bed with me 2300 miles away on the west coast, talking to her on the phone. Feeding her lies about how the “medical conference in Chicago” that he is attending, is so interesting. Typing this overwhelms me with nausea. He is a sociopath, malignant narcissist. Why did I not see that during the time i was with him. I made excuses for him in my mind. I was different. He loved me like no other. I believed his words but his behavior told the truth, not his lying mouth.
      As Anna has said; women thinking of having an affair with a mm, DO NOT do it. You will end up here at some point telling your story of despair with the painful realization that your story has so much in common with others here and there is NEVER a good outcome. NEVER.
      The love that I have for this mm needs to be shared with a man worthy of it. He is not the one. He has a wife. I am in love with another woman’s husband. I had no right to fall in love with him. My moral compass was in the toilet during that affair.
      I need to accept and make friends with this pain. As you said Anna, the hurt never completely goes away.

      • Anna

        Thank you Jules and Leigh Ann. Jules, I also saved a book of matches from his favorite restaurant. To me things like that were precious. In reality he takes his wife to that restaurant. I got the crumbs. I would break down and cry every time we were together, even if we had just been intimate, because I knew he was going to walk out that door and my heart would ache. He would tell me he loved me and that there was no one like me. He said he loved his wife but in a friend or family eat and it was nothing like us. That is not love. What he did to me is not love, what he did to his wife is not love. I justified it thinking that what we had was something no one else could understand except me. And I felt that way for years! I know better now. That is not love. When someone else’s happiness is your happiness, that is love. But he had no problem hurting me and no problem lying to his wife, as long as he was getting what he needed. I still miss the good times we had before I woke up to this realization. I miss what I thought I had, but in reality it never existed.

    • Leigh ann

      Hi Anna. I feel the same way! After everything he said to me and what we shared how can he not be struggling too?? It would be so great if they just reached out to us right??….. wrong…. if they did we would just end up in the same hell again. We have come so far. My heart aches every day for him and I miss him so much but the sting is getting less and I can’t start from day one again it would kill me. I believe they are struggling. Knowing they are stuck with the wrong person or a loveless marriage or whatever their situation is. If that’s what they chose for themselves then it’s their choice. Life is short and I want my life to be happy and with someone who makes me happy. Someone who doesn’t have to hide me and not be able to introduce me proudly to his friends and family. Take me on vacation to family functions, spend Christmas and birthdays with me. I have spent too many of those special times alone while he was with his wife….. not anymore. If he couldn’t see how great we were together then I will keep trying to find someone who will. But in the meantime I’m doing for me. I still cry and am sad but I won’t reach out again and put myself in a situation where I might get hurt again. You are doing great Anna. Stay strong be proud of how far you have come. He’s losing out on a great woman like you! You are just losing a man that is too cowardly to leave his wife so he cheats, lies and hurts many people in his path. Hugs 🤗

      • anna

        Thank you Leigh Ann. You have been a great support to me through this. I honestly don’t think I would have gotten through if not for the support here. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through but I know that we are all going to come out happier and stronger.

        • Leigh ann

          HI Anna. I’m glad that I have been a support for you. I am happy to say that today I am feeling great. The hole in my heart is healing. I know that he is supposed to be here this weekend but I am not even thinking about it. I have been so busy planning a vacation that I’m super excited about and my son bought his first house and I am going to have two more grandchildren and very soon and I am just been living my life. I feel really removed from the whole situation for the very first time. It has been 3 and a half months now and I’m ok. I survived. Don’t get me wrong I still miss him but less. And we all deserve so much better than them. I didn’t think I would ever feel like me again but I do. You will make it too. Be strong and know your worth. 😊. Don’t let any man give you crumbs. For me it’s going to be all or nothing. No more hiding or lying. I want someone who goes on vacations and to family functions with me. I want to know his friends and him know my friends. And I want to be number one. No more number 2! Hugs 🤗

      • Anna

        Hi Leigh Ann,
        I’m glad you are doing so well and surviving. I am moving on as best I can. I am not the same person I was before all of this and have so much anger. I have trust issues and problems getting close to people. I expect men to flatter me like mm did all the time and that just isn’t realistic. No one is like him or what he appeared to be. Of course I know now all of that was just fake but that doesn’t help because that’s what I’m used to and what I got conditioned to. I truly feel like I’m starting over. What he did to me is a form of mental abuse that not many people could understand. It’s like every time he told me he loved me and we would be together, he was hurting me. I am dealing with all of that now and it’s so incredibly hard to undo this damage.

        I have started therapy with a counselor who specializes in trauma and PTSD. I really am going to focus on the recovery and accept the fact that this is a season In my life that I need to focus on myself. Not on a man, not in anything else but me and giving myself the love i need.

        Stay strong everyone. Hugs.

        • Leigh ann

          Hi Anna. I’m glad you are moving forward. Try your best to let go of the anger. It’s just hurting you. It’s hard I know I’ve been there. I discovered my anger was just deep hurt. When you are hurting is the time to be gentle with yourself. You will make it through the darkness I promise. I did and it was so very dark some days I didn’t think I would make it. You are a beautiful person and deserve happiness. Hugs to you 🤗

  • Foolish

    Reading all these comments from you all has helped me realize I am not alone which has made this journey to healing somewhat better. But at the same time it has also made me feel even more foolish. Some of you at least had these MM telling you that they loved you or at least pretending that they did. My situation was nothing like that.

    We were coworkers who got along well. I considered us friendly but I wasn’t at all attracted to him or interested in pursuing anything. At work I would think he was flirting with me and then I would push the thought from my mind because he didn’t seem like the type to ever cheat on his wife and I had no interest in getting involved with a MM. Plus physically he wasn’t even my type so thoughts of attraction did not enter my mind when I interacted with him. But he was extra nice to me all of the time. He would bring me gifts to work. Just little things like a type of candy that he knew I liked or if I was working through lunch he would go pick me up something to eat. He was always complimenting me way more than I thought I deserved to be complimented. Every minor thing I did at work was met with a speech about how amazing I was and so on and so forth. Then there would be moments that he would reach out and touch me for no apparent reason. Like he would put his hand on my back or glide his fingers over my hand. At that point I became convinced that he liked me but I didn’t say anything about it because he was married. Plus I still wasn’t interested in having that kind of relationship with him.

    After working together for some time he told me he was leaving that job. When I realized we were no longer going to be working together I felt sad. I think it was then that I started to realize that I had feelings for him that went beyond us just being friends. But I didn’t say anything then and tried to ignore how I was feeling.

    During that time we spent most of our days either talking to each other at work or talking or texting in the evenings. After he left our job we still talked at the same volume and frequency we talked before which made me feel like he was really prioritizing me. He never said he was in love with me or anything like that but I assumed he did care deeply for me. Eventually conversations went from just friendly conversation to him being flirty. He would send flirty text messages and tell me how much he really liked me, how much he liked talking to me, and how much he missed me. Little by little I started to fall for him.

    One night I confessed to him that I had feelings for him and that I had thought about us being physical with each other. I immediately apologized for saying it and kept apologizing for days. Again he was married so I felt it was wrong to cross that line. But I guess me saying that made him more comfortable with opening up to me. He told me he had thought about it too and he started confessing what I already knew-that he had been flirting with me most of the time that we worked together.

    Eventually we ended up getting involved physically. He still didn’t tell me he loved me or anything like that but we were so close and spent so much time together I assumed he cared deeply for me. By this point I had really started to fall for him. But then all of a sudden he started ignoring me, he didn’t want to talk as much, he became mean and started saying hateful things the few times we would talk. I realized that he started interacting with other female coworkers in the way he used to interact with me which crushed me and made me feel stupid. I realized then that I wasn’t anything special like I thought and that he really didn’t care for me as much as I thought he did and that realization devastated me.

    There’s a part of me that feels I don’t have a right to be as devastated as I am because 1) he’s married, I should’ve never expected anything to come from this and 2) he never told me he had any kind of feelings for me so it’s my fault for allowing myself to become so emotionally invested in him. But I did and it’s been so hard to move forward. He’s only the 2nd guy I’ve been physical with in my whole life and the first one was almost 10 years ago now. Being intimate with someone is something that means a lot to me and when we crossed that line, I thought I meant more to him than I did. I don’t think I ever expected him to leave his wife to be with me but I really really cared for him and thought he felt the same about me.

    I’ve just been so heartbroken and angry with him and with myself for being stupid enough to fall for him. I asked him at one point why he even get involved with me if this was how he was going to be. He told me because I came on to him first and he was attracted to me so he just went through with it. It felt like such a slap in the face. For him to suggest that I initiated things with him I felt misrepresented everything that happened. Now he was trying to make it seem like I seduced him and he just went along with it because hey why not.

    I feel so stupid and feel like this is the worst decision and I have ever made in my life. I hate myself for being intimate with him. I hate myself for confiding my most personal thoughts and insecurities in him. I hate myself for trusting him and being stupid enough to fall for someone just because he was nice to me. Sometimes I fear it is something that I will never get over. I have a hard enough time trusting and opening up to people but I trusted him which just turned out to be a giant mistake. I am such an idiot.

    • Leigh ann

      Hi Foolish. You aren’t an idiot. Some men are just so good at manipulation that they can make you feel like you did something wrong. As you can read from all of us here we all somehow let ourselves fall for these men. Be kind to yourself, you will heal. It’s painful now but time takes the sting away. I still hurt so much. My mm I believe did love me and I cry but the sting has gotten less. We all make mistakes but it’s how we grow. Keep your head held high and your dignity in tact and move forward. This group of ladies here has helped me so much you can lean on them. Stay strong 💪🏻

        • Leigh ann

          Hi foolish. You are welcome! I promise if you keep your lead held high and know your worth you will get past this. I finally am feeling like me again. I think my mm did love me but he was stuck. But I’ll be the one that got away. You are special and you if you live your life and love yourself your special someone will come along. Don’t settle for crumbs or BS! Hugs 🤗

  • Heartbroken

    I was doing good until now…

    I was talking to a coworker and he told me to walk with him to the ex mm’s desk (our circle of friends). I couldn’t just refuse because it would have been weird. He seemed happy to see me and both of us were trying to act normal in front of the friend. I saw he has put all of his and the wife’s pictures out on the desk to show the world (the pictures that were once hidden in the corner when we were together). I felt a bitter taste in my mouth. My heart ached again. I just don’t understand why he did that. Is it because he is head over heels with her again? Is it to show me he’s moving on? Is it because he’s bitter and it’s just a revenge? I wanted to scream at him. But no I didn’t and I won’t. Instead I came here to write. After all it doesn’t matter. He’s out of my life and he’s entitled to do whatever he wants. I just need to keep moving and not let this get to me.

    Stay strong; this will only get better. 🙂

    • Leigh ann

      Hi Heartbroken. I can tell you why he’s doing it…. cuz he’s a jerk. He’s upset that you are moving forward without him. Maybe he’s trying to be a good husband but feelings don’t just reappear overnight. He’s just putting on a fake it til you make it face. You did great! You kept your dignity and composure. That’s a huge step. Be happy he’s history. He’s just a jerk and you deserve to be treated much better. Stay strong 😊

  • JK

    If someone said I would be in this situation I would have NEVER believed it. I have looked down on If someone said I would been in this situation I would have NEVER believed it. I have looked down on friends who were involved with a mm. I have also had friends who were the wife dealing with their husband’s extra marital relationships. Neither is a situation one wishes to ever have to deal with. Here’s my story….I met this man and we started dating 5 yrs ago. He was NOT married at the time. I became suspicious of signs, however, that another woman was in the picture. He denied anything, yet my gut was telling me otherwise. I found out another was in the picture. I ended things and tried moving on. He contacted me and wanted to start seeing each other again, and I believing they were over and wanted to be with me. Our relationship was a constant roller coaster of on and off. I wouldn’t hear from him for about a month and he would contact me saying how much he missed me . I allowed myself to get sucked back in. As time went on I again felt something not right. He would “disappear on weekends” claiming he had to work. I was constantly second guessing my suspicions. We ended up in an argument and broke up, again. I didn’t hear from him for months. That’s when a friend found out he married the other woman! I felt blindsided and was devastated. About 6 months after he contacted me wanting to talk. He acknowledged his marriage but said he was not happy and he made a mistake getting married. Need I say what happened next? We started having a relationship was very intense. We both seemed so happy! It was short lived as I fell back into my routine of being on the sideline… holidays, birthdays, family doings. I tried to convince myself I could settle for this but I knew I was not ok. I would end things only for him to pursue me and tell me again how much he misses me, loves me, and that I am “the one “. I would go back again and again. I couldn’t let go. I believed he was going to leave his wife. As time went on I began to realize he wasn’t going to leave his wife. She then found out about us. She expressed how hurt she was to find out about our relationship before their marriage and that it started again after their marriage. She only knew we were communicating, not seeing each other after their marriage. It would have devastated her. She asked me to leave him alone and made it clear she was not wanting to end their marriage. I told her I would leave him alone. I have repented for my actions. When he contacted me recently I told him I needed to stay away as she had asked. After I said that he told me he will probably be moving. I think reality is setting in while he claims I was the one, I am really not. His actions all along have spoken louder than words. He will be spending the rest of his life trying to regain her trust. In the end I think I am the one blessed . I hope he does move. Best for all involved. It’s a blessing I am not the one. I would not trust that he would not do the same to me if I was in her shoes. Maybe he would be contacting / seeing her behind my back. That’s not an emotionally healthy, satisfying relationship. I have never felt so low about myself. I hope in time I will forgive myself as I believe God has forgiven me. I hope time heals the wounds and scars from this situation. I hope the same for his wife as she did not deserve this either. I am trying not to feel so betrayed and bitter towards mm because in reality his wife was the one betrayed. As a woman, I am not out to steal another woman’s man. It may look that way to others. I was a victim of his lies and manipulations. I lost my way through this situation. I pray for strength to remove myself once and for all from this toxic situation and live a healthy, righteous life.

  • anna

    I just realized that today is mm’s birthday… the entire day has gone by and I didn’t even realize it until around 6pm. A few weeks ago I caught myself remembering that his birthday was coming up, but here it is and the entire day has gone by and I haven’t even realized it.
    Needless to say I didn’t reach out and won’t. He was probably expecting that I would be weak today of all days. Nope, not going to do it.
    Getting stronger every day.

    • Leslie

      I had an affair with a MM at work for 6 months until he gradually weaned himself off seeing me, eventually minimizing our thing to just texting. I found out he kept me on the sidelines to go chase the skirts of other female co-workers. Like I was nothing, just an object which he returned to every so often to offer crumbs of attention to keep me hanging in there. Very humiliating. In retrospect, seeing him at work playing stupid antics to make me feel special were laughable. Holding my hand, hugging me, bringing in candy, holding doors – what a joke. Yea at the time I fell for it. Being a loner at work made me a prime target.

      I took advantage of this distance he created to cry, grieve, yell, ruminate until the cows came home. It was a very long road to feeling normal again. I weaned off texting and running into him. He seemed fine with that and would only reappear once a month to check in. Conversations were superficial, banal, and hardly worth the effort. I became so bored that I totally stopped all communication.

      Every so often he pops up to try and reconnect but there’s nothing left there for me. I just don’t give hoot anymore. And that feels fantastic.

  • Tricia

    Hi, Hayley . You spend 14 years with a man I don’t think those feelings go away in year ! I think it quite natural to grief lost and too want to reach out . I once knew a older woman who was a mistress for 30 yrs until her parter died . I asked her why did you stay for so long she replied because I loved him and could see myself without him so I made my choice and when he died the wife knew of her but would let attend his funeral. She was the one told me life is short make your happiness even if it with a married man because only God can Judge you . The Heart wants what it wants ! So calling him don’t make you foolish it make you human . Stay chin up ! Your man is coming !

  • MS

    Reading these posts from women that have gone through the heartache of loving a mm has forced me to face the reality of my situation. I guess everyone probably has felt like their story is unique and that the man they love, truly is in love with them and wants to be with them. I have ended the affair so many times only to be weak again and succumb to answering his texts. The thing is he pursued me relentlessly at the beginning. I had morals and boundaries I thought I wouldn’t cross. I finally relented and from the very first day of being with him I knew I was in trouble. I knew he was going to be so hard to resist. He never promised me anything, he was very honest about not knowing what the future would hold for us. Somehow I thought I could get him to love me enough that he would leave his marriage to be with me. After all, he said he hadn’t had a real relationship with his wife for several years. He was living in a dream world, I was not. I couldn’t understand why it would be so hard for him to make that leap into the real world with me. We talked about our future as if it would actually be spent together. My hope for that has dwindled. Our relationship had deteriorated into just texting. I saw him slowly weaning himself off the high feelings that come with an affair by not seeing me and realized that I have been settling for so little the last few months just to hang on to him. I broke it off with him this week. The pain had come to the point of outweighing the pleasure. I am struggling with so many feelings right now and I have never been so depressed. I loved this man with all my heart. I feel like I won’t find that kind of love again. My age plays a part in this. I am in my 60s and a widow. It’s not like I hadn’t dated since my husband passed, I had dated a lot but just never connected with anyone like I did with him. But was it a real connection? Not sure anymore…

    • JK

      Your story mimics mine in many ways. He and I shared great times. We were living life! It’s been a long time since I have felt that way about someone. He expressed how torn he was inside and how he needed me in his life, and how I was his world. But, it wasn’t enough for him to end his marriage.

    • Anna

      Hi MS. I know how you feel because I’ve wondered if I will find a love like mm again. But then I remember that if it was true love he’d be with me. You move mountains for the person you love. I loved him that way, but he didn’t feel it for me. I do like to think he loved me in his own way, but a very shallow way, as only someone narcissistic or capable of. We all deserve better. Hang in there and stay strong!

  • Aching heart

    I had an affair for nearly 3 years, which ended 12 months ago. The affair ended in the same month both of our marriages did. He was my boss, but had left work several months before it all imploded.
    For me, I fell in love. For him, it was sex. He said he was starting to become emotionally involved with me and he couldn’t deal with that but had no qualms watching me emotionally invest for the years prior.

    Now, I have anger and so much pain. I feel so cheap, and used, and immature and my pain is as raw as it was when he left.

    Until Friday, we had been in contact almost daily – “supporting each other”. I text him telling him I still wanted a relationship with him, and because he didn’t I wouldn’t be in contact again as it’s so unhealthy and unhappy for me. I got no reply.

    I’m so tempted to text him again and sarcastically thank him for ignoring me… but he has effectively been doing that since 2015… just taking the good stuff and ignoring the difficult emotion. We have a terribly toxic pattern; where I’ll be so emotional and abusive, then he’ll wait for me to calm down.

    It’s hard. It’s turned me in to (or exposed what I have always been?) such a bitter and sad woman. Im so angry that he initiated the whole thing and also gets to choose the ending. Having said that, if he changed his mind I’d be in his arms in a heartbeat 🙁 I last saw him in December, a couple of days before he moved interstate for a while. We hugged, it was warm and I felt so good – and since then I’m back on the roller coaster.

  • Anna

    Leigh Ann
    I have the same fears about ending up alone. But, I honestly would rather be alone than with the wrong person. I feel like our mm are with the wrong person and they have to live with that every day. We are free to find the right person for us. When I am depressed and sad I don’t get out and meet people and this relationship has prevented me from potentially meeting that person out there just for me. And that’s my own fault. I wasted a lot of time on mm. And that’s why we’ve got to stay strong and keep moving forward. The healthier we get the more likely it is that we’ll meet that person. We are strong women. And I agree with what Tricia said. I’ve noticed that when I go out now more men notice me. I actually had a 31 year old guy give me his number the other day! And I know dating is hard at this age, but we just have to stay positive and strong and not let ourselves go back to where we were before. Hugs!

  • Sadaf

    I’ve been visiting this site for about a year now, reading everyones stories. A lot of us wonder if these MM actually love us or whether we’re just there to satisfy their needs. I’ve realised that every situation is different. Judging by some of the stories i’ve read on here, it seems some of these MM do actually fall in love with the ‘other woman’ and do come to care for her but they’ll never leave their wife. Some however, don’t love the other woman and its just an addiction. Like my situation – we met at work and have been having an affair on/off for a year now. he told me he loves me (only when we were doing the business) however his actions said otherwise. We never had any meaningful conversations, infact the only time he ever contacted me out of work, was to meet up so that he can have his next fix. There was never any cuddling or sweet words. Yet some stories i’ve read on here, talk about how much love the MM showed them. We’ve all had different experiences.

    Right now i’m on 3 weeks NC and can’t understand why i’m missing someone who clearly had no feelings for me and was only using me sex

  • Tricia

    Leigh Ann. I think the older you are that is every woman fear is that we will be alone but I noticed that when I go about my day just being me wearing my hair the way I want or no makeup I have so many men looking at me and trying to talk to me . I read that we a woman is comfortable in her true self that is your inner beauty and confidence showing and that draws men to you . Leigh Ann you have a beautiful spirit just let your radiance shine the right man will come along and see that and love you . Stay positive !

    • Leigh ann

      Thank you Tricia. I am having a really hard day today. I think I finally get the messages he sent to me the day he broke up with me. I think he does love me but he’s stuck and he doesn’t want to be selfish and hold me back from finding someone that can be there every day for me. He told me right from the start that he was stuck. I believe there was a time he thought he could get out but reality set in. My heart hurts so bad for him but I am trying. I have been just doing what I have always done and I do find men looking at me but I compare them to mm. I hope that as time heals me I will stop that. I have to heal and now love myself again. I can’t even express my gratitude to everyone here who helps to support me and others. I may be having a rough day but my head is high and I will continue to keep moving forward. 😳

      • Tricia

        Hi . Leigh Ann . I believe he do care about you and drive pass your house too see if you moved on. And I believe a lot of these men care about us but they know the truth of the matter and they pull away because they know we have invested so much of ourselves into them and it’s sad we’re lifted with broken-hearts . I still if my Ex Mm everyday too I hate too admit I wish I could find a single like him he Is every I want in a man but I can’t have him . You will never forget him and what you guys shared but God will put another man in your life who can have loving relationship with . Good Vibes Always !

      • Anna

        Leigh Ann
        I know this is hard but think of it like this. He was honest and let you down easy and you left it on good terms. You don’t question that he loved you. Better to have the good memories and leave it as a beautiful romance than to continue and risk being hurt more because he is stuck. I wish that my mm and I had done the same….
        Hugs…

        • Leigh ann

          Anna thank you so much. That does help. He is stuck he told me that from the beginning. It just hurts so bad. My heart aches for him sometimes and all I want to do is see him again. I hope someday in the future if and when he sorts out his life that maybe we will meet again. In the meantime I have to just keep moving forward and hope I will find someone that’s just for me. For now though I think I just need to do for me. I’m going to just live my life not looking for anyone and healing my heart. I don’t know if it will ever heal fully from this but the pain is less. And I think I’m fortunate that I was not discarded like many women here were. No one deserves that. Keeping strong 💪🏻

  • Hayley

    Here’s me giving advise to you wonderful ladies and telling you to stay strong and what do I go and do?? I fall off the no contact wagon.. I messaged him yesterday to wish him luck with something then instantly regretted it. He replied and was polite and we exchanged a few messages but he wasn’t over the moon to hear from me I don’t think.
    I feel such a fool. What is wrong with me. Last night I was so angry I wanted revenge but what revenge is better than moving on..!! I need to listen to my own advise. I could honestly kick myself!
    So now I’m back on that wagon and it’s day 1 all over again!! So annoyed at myself but can see why I need to stay NC forever. I’m sad it’s not like it use to be with him but we all know this feeling.
    I dragged myself out shopping with my sister today instead of feeling sorry for myself and I’m glad I did. She’s made me buy a journal and a nice pen and instructs me to write it all down to help from contacting him and I’ll try anything right now!!
    Can’t believe I’ve undone all my hard work and for what!! So annoyed at myself.

    • Leigh ann

      Oh Hayley don’t be hard on yourself you are still doing fantastic. Our hearts hurt and maybe that’s why we reach out. But you are still so strong. I am inspired by you and your strength. It was only a small set back! Good vibes and hugs to you 😊

  • Anna

    I think I might just be starting to heal too… last night my mm drove right by my house…the reason I know this is because his daughter goes to college up by me and she is getting ready to graduate and had an event going on. He and his wife went to the event and had to drive right by my house. I kept thinking that they were driving right past my house and wondering what he was thinking, was he wondering about all the times he came over here, what did his wife say to him as they drove by my exit? I know he has not forgotten me so easily and he is stuck with her and dealing with their broken failed marriage and dealing with all the fallout. I do have my down moments but the truth is that my life is starting to be filled with all kinds of new people. There are all kinds of people in my life now that I never even knew when he was in my life because all I ever did was stay home and think about him and wait for him to message me or come over so we could have an hour or two together. I really just need to start filling my life with more of that and try harder not to ruminate over the bad stuff and unanswered questions. He is not coming back anytime soon and if I try harder to get past all this, then when and if he does come back I’ll be strong and I won’t care anymore. That’s my goal. Stay strong ladies <3

  • Leigh ann

    Well I broke. I was at 3 months and I thought it was safe to just shoot mm a text. I didn’t say anything except his name. I just wanted to see if he would answer. He didn’t. I don’t think he has me blocked but he just chose not to answer. I wish he would have said something….. anything…. even don’t text me again. But nothing total silence. All the talk about thinking about me always be was all BS. But it’s probably a good thing. Now I know and I can totally get over him and realize he was just a liar and a cheater and as my friend put it a POS. It’s ok. No matter what I know he’s the one losing out not be. He’s stuck with man wife and an unhappy life. So now with my head held high I can say good bye and and he is now a distant memory a lesson in what not to do in life. I’m glad I waited this long because really it doesn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would. I think the tears are finally dried up. Be strong everyone it truly does get better and hurt less. Be kind to yourselves during the healing process 😊

    • Anna

      Leigh Ann…. I am so sorry! I know how strong you’ve been in your resolve. I don’t know how long it’s been since you sent that text but maybe he will respond. You said that you and your mm left it on good terms. Unlike some of us here who were discarded, your mm let you down easy. Maybe he will respond. Your situation reminds me much of mine with my mm after we broke up the first time around. I loved him so much and wanted him back so bad. And he did come back. I feel like you will hear from him again. However, I want you to be careful and guard your heart. I think you know where the path will lead. But I also think that you have many questions and need the closure that only talking to him and seeing him again will give you. You are sweet, strong and beautiful on the inside. Please continue to be strong and keep us posted.

      • Leigh ann

        Thank you Anna. 🤗. It was last night around 5 so it has been 24 hours. I don’t think he blocked me because it showed delivered. I hope I do hear from him at some point. And you are right he didn’t just discard me. He was pretty kinda to me. I still miss him but my heart will be guarded and I will be so careful. I will keep you posted if I ever hear from him.

    • Tricia

      Hi. Leigh Ann. I remember I broke NC last month after 4 months because I was so hurt how he lifted I felt I deserve better treatment anyway I texted him on a Friday he responded Saturday and it was not the response I wanted it wasn’t bad but not what I want . I say this to let U know sometimes we don’t get the response we want and I know it hurts but your special man is out there I know you miss him dearly but our closure is them being married and we cannot have a real relationship with them period ! It doesn’t matter how they leave us we are all here because we feel rejected or abandoned by a man . Continue to hold your head high because U are a High Valued Woman it’s his lost keep on moving girl !!

      • Leigh ann

        Thank you Tricia. I am not sure what I really even want him to say. It’s so true that our closure is them being married and we cannot have a relationship with them. I do hope that there is someone out there for me. I am afraid I will be alone forever and that scares me. But the truth was even when I was with him I was alone. Having the support here has been a great help in sorting this all out. My head is high and I will keep moving forward.

    • Heartbroken

      Hi Leigh Ann. I’m so sorry you couldn’t resist the urge. I’m sorry that he didn’t respond. Or maybe he will respond later and is just playing games with you now to mess with your head. And if he responds, just like Anna said, be careful and guard your heart. About having questions and needing closure, that’s what happening to me right now, and i can tell you it’s not going well. I’ve been talking with mm and things are not getting anywhere. NC was hard but I was able to manage my feelings and my brain finally accepted he fact he was gone…now talking to him again I must honestly say I’m all stirred up again…I feel depressed and sad again.

      Just saw his wife at work. She looks better and looks like she has lost some weight. Good for her! Now I’m about to go and discard all the cards he wrote to me. I’ve got rid of everything but the cards — I’ve held on to them like treasure but now they have to go.

      Stay strong Leigh Ann! You have done very well so keep it up. Hes doing you a good thing by not responding. And yes keep walking with head high. Let him stay with man wife and unfulfilling life while you’re out there enjoying life and meeting new people. Open the door to that Mr. RIGHT; he’s waiting for you! 🙂

      Hugs.

      • Leigh ann

        Hi Heartbroken. I think you are right he is doing me a favour by not responding. Where would it end up anyway. I’m trying so hard to stay positive but my heart aches. I’m trying to remember that he’s stuck with a man wife and I will hopefully find someone who just wants to be with me. 😊

    • Riya

      Hugs to you Leigh Ann. Sorry to hear about how you are feeling. Went through something similar in the last few weeks, broke NC and got back in touch, merely a how are you doing conversation a few times. I have definetely realized that the burden is mine to carry, I don’t know for how long more but the dull heartache has not gone away. But I am trying to keep myself positive and not bend in to the pain, I guess that all we can do. Sending you positive energy. You have been a great support on this forum, thanks for that!

      • Leigh ann

        Thanks Riya. My heart aches so much but then I think if we did talk what would he say? Would it be just a how are you? Or would leave me alone or I miss you so much? I would be so much more hurt if he was just short with me. I don’t understand how after everything he said to me that his heart doesn’t ache too. I will just keep living my life and be strong and be happy. I still cry and I have to let him do what he has to do. I hope we all stay strong and find a love that is just for us it’s what we all deserve. 😊

  • Heartbroken

    All of our stories are the same…it always starts out so beautifully and then either addiction fades or reality kicks in or wife finds out and the sh%t hits the fan,…then we become history. I read somewhere that we’re heartbroken because we broke one of the rules of affairs…that is the mistress must be invisible. And when we refuse to be invisible and play by their rules, they leave us and we end up where we’re at today.

    After 14 days of absolute no contact I bumped into him at work yesterday. Immediately I acted like I didn’t know him and went my way. Soon I got a call to meet as he wanted to “share some thoughts”. He looked really sad and like he could no longer hold it he exclaimed “why does it has to be like this? Why BABE?” It seemed forever he called me babe. He broke down and cried. Said it pains him that after all we’ve shared we are now strangers. All he wants is to be on good terms with each other and be good friends. Some back and forth with same topics we had already discussed I made it clear to him if he can’t afford to give me more than just those sporadic check ins he needs to get out of my life.

    Before leaving work he called again thanking for meeting with him. Then cried again and asked me what I wanted to do. I repeated what I said earlier and he said “so you rather want to have it all or nothing?” Basically he was good with my decision to break up, but he just wanted to have me close as a friend. Hes devastated I treat him like a stranger. And I know it’s not to keep me around for sex because sex was not our thing. But once again I refused to accommodate him. I know he knows he won’t be able to meet my demands because he is in a difficult situation, wife is always with him.

    Today is my birthday. The first thing he did when got to work was sent me an email wishing me a happy birthday. I responded with a short “thank you”. I think that messed up his ego and didn’t hear from him the rest of the day.

    • Fool

      I have heard that before “you want it all “. I have been with a mm for 11 years and I’m married too. He was supposed to leave her 9 years ago but he didn’t keep his promise. He said he wants to be there for his daughter because he grew up without a dad. He used to treat me so bad, pushed me away, ignored me for weeks and then come back to me. I was stupid because I would take him back. One day I broke it off and felt free and he changed ( well he wouldn’t do any of what he did before). However, I felt again for his lies even though he didn’t say he was going to leave his wife. I became the one who would walk away for days/weeks and come back to him. Being with him felt so good but right after I would felt horrible, hate lying, and living a double life. I would break it off and he would tell me “ why can’t you just enjoy what we have now, life is too short, we can be happy now” . He would plan our future together and I’d believe his lies. He used to tell me how much he loves me and one day I asked him – if you do then let get a divorce but he said no. His excuse, his daughter who is almost 12 now. He said he would do it when she hours to college but I can’t do it anymore. So NC for 2 weeks and it feels an eternity. The problem is that I have done this before so I don’t think he believes me anymore. He would give me time to “come to my senses” and then he would contact me and I would cave. So I’m determine to change my life so I seek professional help. I need to fix me because I have been in a toxic relationship and I can’t stop this vicious cycle in my own.

      • Nomad

        Fool, same here, he wouldn’t believe me in the past because I’ve cried wolf many times. Each time I dumped him, he’d leave me alone to “come to my senses” or dissipate his guilt and fear before he’d reach out. But each time, the nc stretched longer, from days to weeks and now 71 days. Our record was 90 days last sep to nov. Each time I thought this is it. It’s still hard but I’ve no choice. I refused to settle for crumbs. I’m married too and I’m happy in my marriage except for the romance, attention and affection, which only exist in fantasy.

        How long was your longest nc?

  • anonynmous38

    I realized more and more every day these type of relationships are not what God intended for us….for me it consumes my thoughts, I OVERTHINK so much, Ive given so much of myself just to prove my love, I thought doing this would make me happy, but Im not at peace with myself…He gets the best of both worlds, while I sit at home all alone thinking about him…smh…Not a healthy situation AT ALL…
    Even when I think Im happy, Im fooling myself, because right after he leaves my heart breaks, so much heart ache….Than I go on social media and look at the pics she post..They look so picture perfect..Im telling you like the best looking family on social media..but yet behind the scenes he cheats on her…is this true love? when he constantly tells me he loves…
    its so crazy…at times I would compare myself to her, like she’s better than me, she would never get caught up with a MM…

    Ive made up my mind to finally leave…it hurts sooo much….tired of the secrets…tired of hiding…I just wanna be alone for a little while…its toxic…time for me to heal..Im so broken…I need to put the pieces back together..cuz I know Im worth so much more…I deserve better and so does his wife…

    • Tricia

      Hi’ Anonymous. U can get pass this period in your life I know u love him and you feel attached to him but like like U said God didn’t want this for u or none of us ladies . Keep that faith in God because he will see you through this don’t let this experience ruin you or break your spirit ! It’s really hard being with these men because like u said you never really happy because every time they leave us we go back to that dark place because we know the truth because our souls is being tortured . Put yourself first and your happiness. !! Positive Vibes .

  • Tricia

    Hi. Nomad. Here’s my thought on why he blocked you. Because he is hurt because of all the things you said to him and people say words don’t hurt but they do especially if it’s coming from somebody you really care about you cut him deep and he want an apology but he’ll never tell you that so the only way he can hurt you is to block you because really you both want the same thing . He cares about you just as much as you care him but he know the truth is he can’t provide you what you really want. There’s no time table on when they come back my Ex mm always told me I come when I’m need . Have a wonderful 2 weeks off and try to relax your mind. Stay strong love !

  • Judy

    Well I read many of the stories here about getting over a married man or I should say MM. Our affair started with a simple phone call he made to me to let me know how bad he felt that my husband had passed away. I was best friends with this man’s sister for eight years so I knew him growing up. I was married to a wonderful man for almost 42 years and never in my life would’ve thought that I would have lowered myself to get involved with a married man. Loneliness does strange things to a person. I knew better, I was never comfortable with the situation but it happened anyway. It started out slow ,And eventually we ended up sleeping together. After a year and a half of breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, getting back together… his family found out actually three times, but he still continued to see me. Now, his family found out and instead of having his children taken away from him, they threatened to not let him see his grandchildren. So he left me. . He always told me his grandchildren “was his life” but I chose not to believe it. Well, I have no choice now but to believe it. And now I sit here with a broken heart and he has his family. I told him I did not want to see him any longer but he still wanted to call me. I did answer the phone when he called and told me that his daughter is going to have another child. He was happy and I was sad. I made up my mind not to answer his phone calls any longer because all they do was upset me. I’m going to do what’s best for me now. I’ve made repentance to the Lord and I know he’s forgiven me. I need to move on. I hope that any one of you ladies that are struggling with moving on know that you’re not alone. We gave our hearts to a man and now we’re paying the price. It hurts and it won’t be easy but we can all get through this !!

  • Hayley

    Anyone who’s read my story know it’s been 14 years on and off.. he would always ghost me & I would easily move on.. rinse and repeat. This time he returned 3 years ago he wasn’t going anywhere so sure enough I became emotionally involved.. this time he’s left No Contact in my court and that’s what I’ve found so hard and why these last few months it’s been going in circles.. blocking unblocking you know the drill.
    I’m proud to say that I’m now day 17 after I practically forced him to agree NC cause he will never dump me. This time Ive blocked him and he’s stayed blocked. I’ve not cried, don’t think of him 24/7 like I did, Stopped looking for His car everywhere I drive lol and it’s feeling easier. I don’t want this man in my life anymore.
    Do I think he will reappear one day – highly probably one day! 14 years on and off proves it but I actually hope he respects my wishes and doesn’t. I’m so tired.
    Now I feel foolish. So foolish, I thought he was different this time why didn’t I listen to my instincts.
    He would tell me he was insecure but I never saw it in the past until now and yes he is.. I realise I want a real man a strong man. Insecure men are not attractive.
    3 days into no contact he decided to add WhatsApp on his works phone knowing I had blocked him (yes I was checking but only cause he is so predictable & knew he would) so I’ve also blocked him there. I’ve disappeared completely this time I don’t want him having a ‘fix’ of me why should he!
    I also came across some recent pictures of his wife on social media by a mutual friend and without sounding like a bitch if that’s what he chooses over me then I really have nothing more to say to him.
    I really wish I had never set eyes on him. I’ve been such an idiot. He screwed me over for loving him and wanting to spend time with him. None of which he ever deserved.
    I find a new addiction is helping, I’m back into circuit training and I’m binge watching Netflix.. new addictions to replace the old one and more healthier (maybe not Netflix so much lol) but still.
    Feeling a little bit sad today but I guess that’s natural but I won’t break.. I wanted to share it on here cause it’s good to know we have a somewhere to go too.
    I HATE these men but indifference is what I’m aiming for now.

    • Leigh ann

      Wow good on you Hayley! I wish I didn’t think about my mm every day. But it’s been 3 months since we last spoke and today I’m good. My heart still hurts a bit but no more crying and going around in circles. I too saw my mm’s wife on social media and without sounding like a total b*^ch his wife looks like a man and boring AF. But he chose her. So it’s with great sadness that I have moved forward. I know my special someone is out there somewhere and we just have to find our way to each other. So with all my dignity in tact and my heart somewhat healed I will put myself out there and find the man who I will be number 1. You give me hope that at some point I won’t think of him every day. Stay strong and thank you for your story.

    • Anna

      Hayley, good for you!!!! You are strong and kicking ass! I have seen photos of my ex mm wife on social media as well. He admitted to me he wasn’t attracted to her but he is a coward and chose a life with that… thing….who let herself go years ago. I know looks aren’t everything but my god you have to feel attracted to the person you love or you’re just room mates. I kept myself young and exciting but he chose that over me. So let them have their unfulfilled lives. He could have had me. His head is in the sand.

    • Nomad

      Hayley, Leigh Anne

      By end Apr, my NC will clock 63 days, since I told him I’m better off without him, everything about him made me sad and I do not trust him. It’s over.

      I still think of him everyday. I still have bad moments whereby I wanted the fantasy to continue, the what if, bad moments of acute heartache, sadness and anger. No more missed calls or emails. Totally silent as if we do not exist. I found out last week that he blocked me, stupid thing I did at the spur of bad moments.

      Now, I am feeling tightening chest because I’m going on leave tomorrow for 2 weeks and there’ll be no way to contact me unless i unblock. But then, as if he will reach out because I’m now being blocked by him. I’m staring at my office phone wishing he’ll call. Bad moments like these are scary and depressing. I too saw his W on social media and she’s really ugly yet he chose her?! Gave me up! I’d have lost my sexual appetite seeing her (sorry too for sounding rude) or instant turn off sleeping next to her. How did he pick her and marry her 11-12yrs ago? As the rumination grows and burst, I can then snap out of it. My heart and head are both aching. Unbelievable after so many counts of NC and each time stretching longer and breaking records.

      Why do you think he blocked me?

      I’m still waiting to find out is this it? The same question I asked in late Feb when I first asked here…

      Anyone bet that he can be back?

      • Leigh ann

        Hi Nomad. 63 days wow that’s great. I’m at 90 days and I still cry. I miss him so much. But then I think what am I missing?? The ignored texts? The not being there when I needed him. The fact he goes on vacation with her and not me and many other things. I can’t say if yours is over but you should not accept the way he is treating you. You are worth so much more than his bad behaviours. None of us deserve this treatment. This is the first time I have gone nc and I want to reach out every day. I read somewhere it takes half the amount of the time of the affair get over them. I spend so much time torturing myself. I tell myself he probably doesn’t ever think about me and doesn’t miss me at all. That’s a worse pain. I don’t think it’s true but I can’t help it. And like you I think why did you pick her?? She looks like a man 😳. But I think we have to remember that they have history, a family and my mm has many businesses and she is involved in all of them plus real estate so there is lots to lose. And I just don’t think we can compete with that as hard as it is to face. Men don’t want to be alone maybe that’s why they pick the women they do. I think I was perfect for my mm and he knew it but we just met 25 years too late. I never once asked him to leave her. I always thought he would have to make that decision on his own. It’s taking every amount of strength I have to not reach out. My head and heart ache every single day. But the pain is getting more tolerable. I hope that your heart will heal as well as my own. Take the 2 weeks to be really good to yourself and love yourself 😊

      • Hayley

        Nomad – I think Anna is spot on they are like room mates with them hence why they do what they do cause they haven’t got the balls to leave. I would rather be the one who got away than the obsessed one. Let them wonder about us.
        63 days is brilliant they say 66 to break a habit so hang in there. Did he not block you 63 days ago? Only recently? This could be a game cause he was expecting you to reach out by now so he’s changed tatics hoping you will cave in. Don’t do it. I promise you at some point he will unblock you cause courtesy kills men eventually it just takes a while. Keep him blocked keep busy and enjoy your 2 weeks break and don’t rush to check your messages on your first day back either.. deep breaths and do other things before even looking.
        They always say with time, women get stronger when men get weaker and that’s why in my case he’s always come back.. and I still believe he will again one day but for now I’m doing me and he’s doing me a favour not contacting me.
        I did almost cave in yesterday but I sat with my feelings for 24 hours and now so glad I didn’t.
        It’s hard but it really is their loss and I can promise you he is missing you also but let him.
        Do not crack!! Stay strong Always and always let them come to you.. if he doesn’t eventually we won’t care anyway.
        Come on ladies… we would only be going back to more heartache! Let them look at their wives secretly wishing they were with us. We all know that’s happening and That’s our revenge.

        • Leigh ann

          Thank you Hayley! It’s so close to contacting my mm until I read your post. You are right I would rather be with the one that got away rather than the obsessed on. I do hope sometimes my mm will be back when he realizes he just couldn’t shake his feelings for me. But I don’t really know. And it’s perfect to think he isn’t looking at his man wife secretly wishing she was me. I needed that today. I’m staying strong! 💪🏻

      • anna

        Nomad
        You and I are in the NC for the same amount of time and going through similar waves of emotion. You asked why he blocked you. Watch Sharon the Coach on Youtube. Her video on the silent treatment, no contact and the final discard is very helpful. I have never seen anyone who gets it the way she does.

        I believe that eventually they will be back, but maybe not right away because they are focusing on someone else – whether it is their wives or preying on someone else – who knows. This is our chance to focus on ourselves and healing. It’s taking more time than I imagined to untangle myself from the hurt, but if he comes back again, I’ll be smarter & stronger this time than to go back to a situation that I know is bad for me. I think that’s why they’ve got us blocked – we’re onto them – we know they’re bad for us. They don’t like that they can’t pull the wool over our eyes anymore. They don’t want a smart woman. They’d much rather have someone they can fool and tell them how great they are all the time to pump up their egos. Remember what you said the last conversation was with your mm – he made you sad all the time, you don’t trust him, etc. Similar to myself. I basically told mine that I wanted out. We have to be strong and stick by what we know is right for us, even if it hurts.

        I was in love with my mm like no other and he told me it was the same for him. I don’t understand how someone can tell you they “love you beyond comprehension” and then literally walk out of your life the next day, cutting off all contact. He’s shown me a side of him that is inhumane to me. These men do not love us. Do they love anyone?

  • Monica

    MM and I started up a year ago, friends first then intimacy 6 mos later. Isn’t that how at first it looks like they just want to be your platonic friend? All innocent, no hint at sexuality, then you let your guard down. This was my first experience with a MM. Naively I thought it was possible a MM could just be looking for a friend so I felt safe getting to know him. I wasn’t looking for anything serious due to my emotional unavailability. I thought – good I can have an arm’s length friendship with someone who won’t make emotional demands on me.

    Well I unfortunately I got very emotionally attached after the intimacy. He must have gotten tired of me because he started making excuses about being busy or tired. He was pulling away but simultaneously managing down my expectations to being a frequent text buddy. He still wanted to keep me around but at a further arm’s length relationship.

    I felt humiliated and said to myself after all the intimacy we shared I couldn’t be happy with being benched. I couldn’t cut the cord cold Turkey so I slow faded over several months without talking to him about it. There was zero communication about anything real between us. Lots of empty flattery was the norm.

    Now I think he realizes what’s happening and frequently wont reply at all to my texts. He pops up here and there to places where I hang out. I see him standing a bit off in the distance just watching me. I just ignore him.

    It took forever but I learned a huge lesson – MM dont want to just be your friend. I’m sure I was one of his several female friends. He frequently talked about how unhappy he was at home. Big red flag there. But I ignored it thinking this was all innocent.

    However it came at a great cost to my emotional well being and ability to sleep at night. I almost lost my job and other friendships as well.

    Never again.

  • Anna

    Tricia, I learned a lot about reading up on narcissism. I think my mm is a mid range meaning he is not aware of what he does and thinks he is truly a good person. I’m not from the school that thinks the entire relationship was a lie. I do believe they were infatuated with us or more accurately how we made them feel. But I think that when their shame ramps up that they mentally “leave” us before they really walk away and this is the devaluation stage. So for us it is sudden but to them it was an option all along to keep the good guy image intact.

  • Sad

    I met a man back in november. I was out with girls fiends and excited for a night out with them and for some dancing. As I walked into the bar I made eye contact with a man and instantly felt an electric feeling in my whole body. We started and it took a few moment before we broke eye contact. We ended up dancing to one song. I got his name and Joan profession. Then I left but couldn’t get him out of my mind. His face was frozen in my mind. The next day I had this gut feeling that said I needed to look him up. I found him within minutes and sent a message. Then I found out he was married and sent another message apologizing cuz I didn’t know he was married. He said they were separated but wouldn’t elaborate. After a few messages we didn’t talk. Then a few days later I sent a message like formally separtednyet. Well the conversation continued. We ended up meeting up a few days later for drinks. It happened to be his birthday. We spent 4 hours talking and it was like I knew him my whole life. It was an instant connection and super comfortable. I put all my beliefs in the trash and continued to see him. Things were very intense very fast. He never promised he was going to leave. He won’t leave because of the kids. He is unhappy and his marriage is blah but won’t leave. After taking daily and a few over night trips and some of the best laughs for both of us and even meeting up at a Park with our kids I said I needed to be done. We both cried and said our good bye. I know I deserve more. But seeing him cry has me second guessing. What if I would have stuck this out longer. Woukdnhe have left? I do think he is meant to be in my life as crazy as that seems. My gut is telling me we will be together st some point. Best tips for no contact?? How do I know I made the right decision?

    • Anna

      Sad,
      You made the right decision. If he was going to leave he would have already left. There are many statistics out there. If you are still torn then give the NC time and see if he is miserable without you and comes to you. If he doesn’t then you have your answer and need to move forward. A few tears does not equal him leaving his family for you and you need to think of yourself. He may care about you, but you don’t want that life for yourself and if he truly cares for you he won’t want that for you either. None of us knows what the future holds. I still think of my mm too. But right now he is married and you are the other woman. It will hurt you in the end more than you could ever realize. The ramifications in your life will be massive. Other people could be horribly hurt. Be strong now while it is still early and before it gets worse. You can hold onto the memories you have and keep your dignity. NC is difficult but it gets easier and you will find support here. Keep yourself busy. You did the right thing!

    • Leigh ann

      Hi Sad. You absolutely mad the right decision. If you have read all our stories here you will notice a common theme….. broken hearts. Men don’t leave their wives. There is too much to lose. It maybe financially or the kids or the whole “happy family” thing. Save yourself so much hurt and tears and stay NC. I am in my 3rd month of nc and I think about my mm everyday. But I won’t put myself through all the grief again. I’m finally feeling normal again. The pain inside me has subsided but I still miss him. You will get through it and someone will come along and you will be his number 1. Never be someone’s number 2 it’s the worst position to be in. Good luck and good vibes 😊

  • Jules

    Do yourself a favor and take mixed signals as a “NO!”.

    Care for yourself. He lies.
    He does not care. Love yourself first. More than you love him.

  • Cece

    I need help. I met this mm a while ago and we started talking and really hit it off. His wife is in a different country than him and they don’t have kids yet. I wanted a platonic relationship but he made it known that he really liked me. We went out a few times and the last time we became really intimate physically and he told me he loved me. But ever since then we’ve not spoken over the phone, we just send text messages and we haven’t talked about what happened the last time we were together. I have noticed how supportive you guys are here and I need help because I really like him and think I’ve developed deep feelings for him. What should I do?

  • Sydney

    Hi everyone.. I am in love with a mm since last August.. We used to work in the same place..he initiated it first.. And persuaded till I said dat I love him too.. First 4 months were amazing.. He was very caring n loving… But eventually he made me to resign the job.. As I want to pursue my higher studies.. He asked me to quit and encouraged to study.. I resigned it… I am staying in a apartment with one of my collegues..i chose so dat I will be close to him… He was 10 min drive away from my apartment.. But things changed.. For this past 4 months…our communication drastically came down… He always giving excuses… Busy with work.. Personal stuffs… Though he is only minutes away from me… He never made plans to meet me by himself… Everytime I ll beg him to come and meet…. We used to fight on daily basis.. I couldn’t study.. I couldn’t frgt him.. But whenever I tried to move on and he will always come back… Make me believe dat he still loves me and care for me.. But after days… The same ignorance will continue…we decided to take a break multiple times… But one of us will end up contacting again… And the whole thing will start again… He hurts me with his words.. But the next day he will become normal.. I will always end up crying every time we converse.. He asked me dathe has exams for his post graduate… I shouldn’t disturb him much… But he still loves me care for me… But I should act according to the situation… He said he can’t make time for me.. But I can’t go a single day without talking to him.. I even begged him to talk.. Whenever he could or whenever he has free time… But he said he can’t give any assurance abt that as he have lot of things in his life going on… But at the same he loves me still.. But situation is not good enough..so.i should learn to let go of him gradually… And he blames me if my expectations are less.. He can make this relationship work.. I couldn’t frgt and move on.. Wat shall I do

  • Heartbroken

    Thank you Leigh Ann. I’m trying to stay strong and untangle myself from this unfulfilling web. The good thing is I’ve been able to sleep through out the night and my brain has finally accepted the fact that he’s gone. But I still think about him everyday and it hurts when I do and I find myself longing for him. Today marks 10 days of absolutely no contact and it has been so very hard. I still check my phone. When my work phone rings and his name is not displayed on the caller ID I get disappointed. I don’t know if it’s hard for him like it is for me. He used to not be able to not handle this. He would go crazy if I didn’t talk to him or threatened to break up with him.
    Now he’s not reaching out and that explains everything and gives me a push to move forward. I try to not let the anger wear off by listening to his last voice mail where he said “I don’t know if you blocked me but if you did there’s nothing I can do about it…” This plus the other stuff he said just boils my blood every time I listen to it.

    I will not break the NC. He will see what a strong woman I am and when I said I would not settle for his crumbs I meant no crumbs.

    Positive vibes to all of us on here!

    • Nomad

      Heartbroken

      I can resonate with you very well. It’s my 52nd day of absolute zero contact. I found out that he blocked me in mid mar and unblocked me 2 ago. Last night the group chat was buzzing busy and it was when I found out he blocked me (can’t see his profile pic).

      I don’t know why he bothers to block me. Not as if I’ll unblock him and reach out. He doesn’t need to block me, I meant, for what?

      Hugs to everyone and let’s be strong and push on!!!

  • Xxx

    Hi ladies. I still am reading your posts from time to time about these married men. The truth is I got over mine, i.e. I got over the addiction. I am doing very well without him, though I still do cry sometimes. Maybe you remember that mine was a 1st class narcissist and I’ve talked to his wife for about 2 months unraveling the lies. He called me like a month ago and I answered after about 2 months to see what the hack. And I laughed the entire time for 2 reasons – I knew that he was delusional and he just made me laugh. That is what he had been doing the entire last year. The entire year he made me laugh and, yet, I lived in an ilusion that he went to sleep when he was in a hotel with some random person. When he said he missed me he was telling that to at least 3 other women. When he said to trust him it meant that I shouldn’t. When he said he did love me, it meant that only the second part of the sentence was truth – he would so much want that I sit on his… When he said he hated drugs, he was drugged. When he said that I was a whore, he was. When he said I transmitted him the disease, he did it to me. Now, I grew up without a father, so my sister and I are pretty tough women. She lost her fiance and a husband to drugs – dead. Growing up without a father and being poor meant being exposed to these things (in our defence). What I did growing up like that was studying. Best student wherever, at the end of my PhD now in a foreign country. That was my way to avoid the faith of my sister and then I got back my narcissist to try to ruin me, who was btw another woman’s husband (bravo me!). Then an overt narcissist tried to ruin what has already been ruined so there was nothing left for him. And now I am studying yet another language, trying to figure out my own way in this world and keep my ego down by forgiving all these circumstances including the mm. Including myself. And I read you cannot go no contact. Hell you can! If I were you I would appreciate life a bit more than grieving some man who, for whatever reason, disappeared. Life is hard without that, we all live with wounds and scars but we also choose if that will determine us or overcoming all that. I choose to be one hell of a woman, my sister too. And you?

  • Tricia

    Hi. Anonymity. No you didn’t ask for your heart to break because you got involved with a married man it happens to the best of us so please don’t ever blame yourself for his actions . It’s only been 5 months so u don’t have much invested in him the best advice I can give you is to remain strong don’t have to much contact with him keep business only !! And look for another job hopefully something will come along where u don’t see him . And stop thinking he so great of a man because it will cloud your judgment and have a hard time letting go of him . Read these ladies stories on this site because affairs never end well and you deserve a Good Relationship with a man you can bring home to your family and friends and vice verse don’t settle for crumb for attention and think that is the best you can get out of a man . I wish you all the best ‘!!

    • Anonymity

      Tricia I just feel so awful these past few days.no contact I am pretty sure is going to be impossible for me until I just really feel like I’m losing my dignity. I tried to end it this week, he did too. Ultimately I don’t think we really came to a clear decision. But we aren’t talking hardly any! I think he’s trying to let me down easy. I know my time hasn’t been long with the intimacy but the friendship was there a long time before the the intimacy. I didn’t go to work today and I text him this morning and I got a one word answer and then I emailed him this afternoon and who knows if he’ll respond. I just really need some help with the obsessing. I hate that I have gotten myself into this. The whole time I thought I wasn’t in control. I am in control of nothing. Much less my thoughts right now.

      • Tricia

        Hi. Anonymity. I understand I too thought that I could handle my affair I thought because he was married I was safe from developing real feelings for him and he was a good friend too and still think of him 5 months later . And In the early stages of our relationship I always went back to him I just had to have him but having these men In our lives come at a high cost ! And I just cannot pay that cost anymore so I deleted his number so I won’t call him and I don’t have his E mail address so that really have help me. Think of it like this you can stay in your affair and watch him slowly leave and his feelings dwelling away for you and him losing respect for you or you can keep what self respect U got and your dignity In tactic and release him ? Either way it’s painful I wish you all the best . Positive Vibess all the way ladies !!

          • Tricia

            Anonymity. Just sitting here wondering how could a man walk away from the other woman and never look back and just go on with his life like you never exist ? I knew this question has raised many times and said they are good at compartmentalize their life and their good at hiding emotions but that would mean their are detached from their affair parter and everything we thought we shared with them was lie but the affair was real ? How could they walk away so easily or replace us I’ll never understand. I know the affair can’t last but Damn ! Too the ladies are still with their married man walk away before he let you go because the relationship will deteriorate over time and they check out mentally before physically. Stay strong ladies .

  • Suzie

    Sorry for how long this may be:

    It’s been over a year since my relationship ended, or rather just faded away with no explanation at all. I was never told it was over, it was never discussed; he just stopped contacting me. We work at the same place but in different areas and hardly ever run into each other. It has been very difficult for me but I have not contacted him because I don’t want him to see how much I’ve been devastated by it. He had left his wife and I can only assume that he went back to her. He never told me so I have no idea. It was the same old thing except for the fact that we were not intimate but a couple of times over the course of a year. Ours was more of a deep emotional bond (of course, it really wasn’t; that’s just what he wanted me to believe it was). He knew that I had been a single parent with no help from my son’s father for 12 years and he knew how to really lay it on thick by telling me that we would be a family and he would be a father to my son that he never had. I’m so ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I ate it all up. I bought right into it. He told me him loved me over and over again and that he couldn’t imagine living his life without me and that I had saved him because he was so suicidal before I came into his life. Just typical BS. I know that it was BS now, I’m solid on all of that.

    So, yesterday I saw him at work. I largely ignored him and pretended that he wasn’t around. He tried talking to me but I was very short (and business-like only) with my answers. Cut to around noon and I checked my personal email on my break. He had emailed me about how great it was to see me and that he really liked my hair. That was it but it upset me anyway since I haven’t heard from him in ages. That was all it took to set me into a tailspin all over again–a year later. I came home and drank which I haven’t done in a long, long time because I only do that when I’m upset. I then responded to his email which I should have never, ever done. It was only one sentence but I said that it was surprising to hear from him like that just out of the blue. I got up this morning and he had responded again and said that he knew that it had been a long time but he didn’t email me because he “didn’t want to bother me” and “I still think about you.” I deleted the email immediately.

    I’ve been upset all morning and I’m so depressed that I just want to crawl back in the bed and stay there all weekend. I can’t get back into this depressed pattern. I’m upset but I’m also seeing red. I typed out a response to him that said, “You don’t want to bother me? Nah, you shouldn’t think like that. Don’t go start concerning yourself with my feelings now.” I haven’t sent it. I don’t know if I should or should not. Part of me wants him to know how angry I am but the other part of me says to let it alone and let him fade back into the background. It’s not like he cares so telling him how I feel is not going to make any difference. Of course, that short blurb certainly doesn’t tell him how I feel. He just acts as if everything is normal–like nothing ever happened between us. He acts like he didn’t promise me the world and then just disappear. I’ve spent the last year feeling like I was going to die because I hurt so much and I was finally able to put some of it behind me. I was able to go a day without crying my eyes out. I was able to accept the fact that I’ll be single and my son will not ever have a father. I’ve been able to accept the reality so why does him coming back in for literally a minute make this much of a difference to me? Why is my world torn apart all over again? Why are all the bad feelings and hurt and upset and anger flooding back?

    I really need some advice or kind words because I have no one to talk to about this and I’m afraid that I can’t handle it on my own.

    • Nomad

      Suzie, first of all, do not react, do not respond, hold yourself together and let it be, take a deep breath and let it pass. Do not throw your effort for the past year down the drain. Do not forget how hard you’ve struggled to come this far. Nothing has changed. They did not choose us. They withdrew and faded without explanation. They wanted the best of both worlds. They are not what we wanted them to be – affectionate, loving, attentive and a fantasy. We know in our hearts, they did not love us enough to be with us (I’m not even referring to divorce and marry us). Their career, livelihood, wives and kids, their own interests and hobbies etc. come before us. Mine was addicted to sex and ego boost which his W had deprived him. He enjoyed attention from other women though he denied and assured me I was his best and last woman, and he wanted 10years with me romantically and sexually. Unfortunately, I’m sick of his excuses of guilt and fear and stressful work, everything but me. There’s no doubt our time is up. But I just hope that a year on, he’s like non-existence to me. I rather avoid seeing or hearing him at all cost knowing I might be triggered like you are now.

      I feel you and because I know situations like yours do exist, I feel that my nc of 47 days is still way to go and far from being done. (My record was 90days) I feel mentally drained when I read that your mm “re-appeared” after 1 year and triggered your grief and anger.

      Suzie, I need you to inspire me with your strength to let go and move on from this episode. I need to feel hopeful that we can overcome this momentary setback when they reappear and we can abstain from reacting and showing them they still have the power to crash us.

      For so many times, he knew too well that I’d throw away helm dignity and integrity to settle for less. I was so just unwilling but I’d take his crumbs and lost myself, the ability to function at home and at work.

      How did U pull through 1 year??? Do not forget.

      I’m so scared that this is it but at the same time, I’m thankful that he showed me he didn’t love me enough and had forsaken me, left me with no choice but to learn to live with the pain and be patient with myself. I’ll continue to remind myself that the worst is over, just live and not ruminate when he’s enjoying his family bliss and gave up on us.

      • Suzie

        Well, I did not respond to his email and I feel good about that. I’m glad that I just let it temporarily upset me. Of course, it upsets me but I didn’t let it defeat me. I didn’t let him win in the end. Everyone on here has been so wonderful with the comments and I wish I had the time to sit down and respond to each and every one of you because you have all been beyond kind.

        I believe it was Anna that commented something along the lines of let him come back to you with divorce papers in hand if he wants you and I have thought about that quite a bit already. I can honestly say with everything in me that I would never, ever take him back. He could come up to me tomorrow and say that he is divorced and he’s sorry and that he was going to make good on all of the promises that he made and I wouldn’t accept it. It’s too late. Too much damage has been done. Most importantly, I have made peace with myself. I am not a blameless victim in this situation. I have had to ask God for forgiveness for my part in it. I feel that my moral compass was way off and I had to get forgiveness and I also had to learn to forgive myself. That doesn’t mean that I’m not still hurt and oh so angry though. I keep going back to why could he not have told me what was going on. If it had been me, and I was married and decided to move back in with my husband, I would have told him that. I would have made sure that I set the record straight so that he would have understood. If I had started going to counseling or church and decided that what I was doing was wrong, I would have told him that. If someone would have found out at work and it had caused me an issue on my job, I would have explained it to him. I cannot understand how a human being cannot have the decency to talk to you and let you know what is happening. They can just disappear out of your life and leave you with their lies and their deceit. I know it may sound dumb to think that a relationship based upon lies and deceit is going to be an honest one, but I never lied to him. I was always brutally honest with my thoughts and feelings and he couldn’t even have the common courtesy to do the same for me?

        I guess that is why I go so upset the other day. He came in and acted so nonchalant about the whole thing. He acted as if he had not destroyed me completely. And then just wants to pick right back up where he left off? Contact me out of the blue and I was supposed to give him another ego boost to reward him for acknowledging my existence? I don’t want to start up anything with him ever again. I want to tell him how much I despise him and how much he disgusts me, but I won’t. I haven’t for a year and I’m not about to start now. Truthfully, looking at him the other day disgusted me. I saw something that I do not EVER want again for myself. I saw a place that I never want to be again; a place where I’m sad and depressed and anxious all the time and where I am filled with self-doubt and self-loathing. I very much want to be in a relationship because I feel lonely all the time but I will never, ever settle for something like that again. I won’t be that person that thinks so little of themself that they are willing to take whatever crumbs they can get from someone. I won’t be a person that bends over backwards and would move mountains for someone else when they wouldn’t even be decent enough to care how I felt. I may sit home alone at nights and on weekends now but I won’t sit at home worrying about what the person that supposedly loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone is doing with another woman or why he won’t respond to my emails.

        For those of you ladies that are struggling, it does get better. Time does not heal all wounds and you would be foolish to believe that. Instead, time helps you achieve more clarity. It doesn’t heal the hurt that these men have caused but it does give you a chance to see that you are stronger than you think. You can pull away from these men (or like in my case, have them pull away from you) and come out stronger on the other side. It may take time and it may take prayer or counseling or talking to someone you trust or writing in a journal, but you can make it. Forgive yourself because that is very important.

        • Anna

          I’m so inspired by this post, Suzie. You are right we are strong women. We have been through a lot of heartache and we have come through it on our own with little to no support. It takes a strong person to put their life back together after it has been totally destroyed and keep it together for yourself and your child. Especially when you feel like you have no answers and no closure. We would never do to these men what they have done to us. I commend you for your realization that you would not take your mm back even if he came back with divorce papers. I have a fantasy that one day my mm will come back to me a free man and I will look at him and tell him it’s too late because I have moved on and hopefully found someone who truly loves and values me. That is what I truly want for myself and what every woman here deserves.

      • Tricia

        HI . Susie. Amen sister I totally agree with you 100 % !! My Ex Mm left me too October 15th last year and he didn’t say a word he just faded away and stop contact with me I was so hurt I cried too until I couldn’t yeah I broke NC too tell him how I felt last month needless to say he didn’t care . So I know how it feel U feel so rejected and abandoned. I do see things a whole lot differently now 7 yrs of ups and downs I’m doing better too but like U said the pain is still there . Thank for your Sharing your story and your Encouraging words . Positive Vibes ladies !!!

    • Leigh ann

      Hi Suzi. Don’t let yourself fall back into the mess. You have done fantastic. A year is a huge accomplishment. You are a strong woman raising you child on your own. I have a friend who helps me when I’m down she says it’s all a mind f*^k. He’s messing with you testing the waters to see if you still have feelings for him. Even if you do don’t give up your dignity and respond to him. He just disappeared on you with no explanation and think about all the BS he fed you. You deserve so much better and you will find it. You don’t want to be anyone’s second choice. You want to be the only woman that your man thinks about and you don’t want someone else’s problem…a cheater a liar and manipulator. My mm didn’t just disappear on me he was actually trying to spare my feelings in the end and I am glad about that but I miss him so much but I won’t contact him. I don’t want to make trouble for him and I don’t want to give up my dignity. You are doing great. Just remember he’s a giant louse and you deserve better. 😊

      • Anonymity

        Leigh Ann, my MM spared me too. Was always honest with me. I knew what I was getting into and for some reason I thought I could handle it. It only lasted five months. I’ve been reading this site since December though because I felt myself falling, but then would talk myself into the lie that I was in control and I knew exactly what I was doing. I used to read about ladies on here crying and thinking that is never going to be me. Well here I am, day four of crying that comes on in the strangest places and times. The most awful thing I believe is that I have no one to talk to about it. I completely asked for this, I never was never told that he was in love with me, or the possibility that he would leave his wife. He was always very good and hones to me. He’s not a terrible man, I truly believe I was his first affair. I just don’t know how to move on from it.
        My special circumstance is that I have to see him everyday because of work. I know all of your suggestions on here are to do things for myself and stay busy. Is there any other suggestion. I am having a hard time focusing on staying busy. I am having a hard time being happy at work and focusing on it, because that was our place. Please, any suggestions would help.

        • Leigh ann

          Hi anonymity. I felt the same way that I wouldn’t fall but my mm told me many times he loved me and he had hard feelings for me. After a while I succumbed knowing so much better. He also told many times that there was no reason to break up. And now here I am crying often my heart hurting and my world upside down. It’s been 3 months now and I’m so much better. I didn’t work with my mm but my company deals with a large chain of restaurants and each time I had to deal with that account and one location in particular I would cry. It was where we had our first date. I miss him so much. I wanted to quit my job that a I love with a great boss and great people. I knew I had to go through it to get through it. And I knew I had to make new memories so dealing with the account wouldn’t crush me. I can only suggest to tough it out and know you will get to the other side. And remember your self worth is so important. We should not have been messing with Mrs mm’ husband. Think of her. We are hurting but she is probably hurting so much worse. I don’t want to be the cause of someone else’s pain. You are strong and you can do it. Time helps. It lessens the pain. It doesn’t totally erase it but makes it tolerable. I am looking forward to the day I don’t cry any more. Hugs and good vibes

          • Anonymity

            I know I should feel sorry for her but I don’t. And then that makes me feel bad because why am I not having any guilt. I just want to feel better. I actually think I would like the crumbs back. I was pretty strong yesterday. I was not at all today. I guess this is just the roller coaster? And that I will be on it till I’m just not anymore?

          • anna

            I honestly do not feel sorry for his wife. I felt like we all had a role to play in this and she was part of that. We used to talk at night for hours and hours on end and it went on for years. He felt ignored like most of these mm do. But for How could she not know he was talking to me every night for hours? There had to be some red flags on her end and she just let it go on. She either knew about it, ignored it and didn’t care or she is blind. When she found out about me the first time, she forgave him, now that she knows about me again, the same thing. So no I do not feel bad about her. She knows who she is and she turns a blind eye to it because he takes care of her. Most likely he will do it again because he knows he can get away with it. I agree with you Leigh Ann that these men are stuck in a loveless marriage and they are too cowardly to get out. They have their family image to keep up and their finances etc. It is too much for them to lose. But in the end they have to go back to their loveless marriages that bore the hell out of them. We are free to find happiness.

    • Wendy

      Hi Suzie

      This guy sounds irrily similar to mine. I wonder if we were involved with the same man. We work in the same office in different departments. Liking my hair was his favorite compliment. I wouldnt be surprised if we were not the only ones in that office.

      It just faded out with us also he didn’t make contact anymore. Just cold silence. He was a master at playing mind games too. We were intimate outside work but he just stopped at one point having the nerve to tell me he had his eye on another co- worker.

      He got in trouble with the boss for playing around on his phone and not getting any work done. He was endlessly stressed over that and his supposedly awful wife at home.

      He is not worth even a response to an email. I found him to be very detached and cold but liked using sweet talk on me from a distance. Oh yes he lied like no tomorrow and played the victim to prey on my sympathies.

      Good riddance!

    • Heartbroken

      Dear Suzie. Awww…I feel your pain! I also understand the temptation of reaching out and letting them know how much pain they have caused us and how angry we are with them. But what for? How is that going to change anything? They abandon us, they show us we are not their priority – their wives are, and they do not choose us. They may miss us every now and then, but they are fine with not having us in their lives. So why are we letting ourselves be miserable while they’re living a blissful life with the wives?

      Do not respond to him. He does not deserve your attention. Writing back to him will cause more back and forth and soon you will be caught up in that vicious cycle again. You have invested so much already — a year of NC is phenomenal so don’t let it be a waste. When you feel the temptation of responding, just think of what an a$$whole he has been, all the lies, all the BS, and how he abandoned and left you without regards to what you two had shared…think about all of that and remind yourself this person doesn’t deserve another second of your time!

      You’ve inspired me. You sound like a strong woman with determination. I’m still at an early stage of NC and it’s been so hard. When I’m not busy I ache for him. Last weekend I felt so lonely I even thought about reaching out but was able to stop myself. I know he’s mad at me and probably wont ever reach out again because I blocked him. I keep playing his voice messages and texts…where he accused me for letting him go because I’ve made things right at home with my husband, but truth is he withdrew and I refused to accommodate him. Today is Monday he’s out of office (and wife too), who knows maybe taking a mini trip with the wife, and here I am aching again…

      We are strong women. We can do this. It hurts like hell now but it’s the only way out. Keep walking forward with our heads up. Live a healthy life. Dress up and look sexy everyday. Let them see what they’re missing. And when they tell us they miss us, we will tell them they can miss us from afar cuz we’ve moved on!

      • Suzie

        You stated that I sound like a determined, strong woman and that surprised me at first because I have never thought of myself that way. Instead, I have always thought of myself as being someone that has very low self-esteem and doubts myself all the time which I guess is the prime target for a cheater. But now that I have some time behind me, I do think I am a lot stronger than I ever believed. For one, I was able to make it through and I am happier because I don’t have all of this baggage and heartache weighing me down anymore. I have resisted the urges (and there have been thousands upon thousands) to reach out to him. I deleted all emails a long time ago after holding on to them and reading them often. I stopped letting my mind take me to those good memories and instead only allowed myself to focus on the grief and the anguish that he caused me. Instead of thinking how amazing it was when he told me that I was perfect to him and that I was everything that he had every wanted and dreamed of (which sounds beyond cheesy and gag-worthy now), I think of all the times that I had to pay for his dinner or for a hotel room or drive to see him when he made quadruple the income that I made just on his own. I think about the times that I would pore my heart out to him over email, crying my eyes out the entire time writing paragraph upon paragraph because I couldn’t talk to him for days and he would respond back with, “have a good weekend.” When I look back, I feel like a fool but I won’t let myself be a fool anymore. I have learned and I have grown and I do believe that I am stronger because of it.

        We are strong women. We just have to keep telling ourselves that and we have to start believing it. These men cannot take that away from us.

      • Leigh ann

        You said it Heartbroken! We are strong women and we are going to be stronger for this! And it’s going to feel fantastic when they tell us they miss us and we have long moved on. You sound stronger and I’m happy that you are untangling yourself from this unfulfilling web. These last 90 days for me have been a roller coaster of emotions but I am strong in my resolve to stay nc and working on what makes me happy. Hugs and good vibes to you all 🤗

    • Anna

      Hi Suzie. This is how the affairs start back up again. It’s a manipulation tactic for them to pick up right where they left off. It’s a chance for them to do the same thing again, only for you it will be worse this time, for them it will end up no different, because they know what the outcome will be. When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them. This happened to me personally with my mm. I so wish I had believed him when he showed me who he was the first time, but I romanticized our relationship and I made excuses for him and even believed the reasons he gave me for having to stay in his marriage! I was manipulated and controlled. And I got hurt so many times! You have made it a year….. stay strong. Maintain no contact – if you work with him and you must contact him then keep it to low contact or solely about business. I’d even consider transferring or getting another job if it is realistic to do so. Block him from your personal email account. Let him see that he can not get you back on a whim with this hoovering tactic and that if he really wants you that he will have to come to you with divorce papers. You can do this. Many of us have struggled for years in these relationships and trust me, the sooner you can untangle yourself from it, the better off you will be. Hugs & strength to you!

  • Riya

    Hi Anna, Leigh Ann, Nomad, same boat , been having a rough few weeks. It has been 9 months, lots of downs. I never ever dreamt that I could end up feeling this disappointment and sense of loss ever for such a reason . But thanks Kat for the quote – “There is no real shortcut to forgetting someone. You just have to endure missing them everyday until you don’t hurt anymore.” This is so true. It’s been one day at a time for the last 9 months and I am still waiting for that day when I don’t hurt. the most oddest thing is not much has changed in how I feel for him inspite of his cold turkey behavior out of the blue one day and just what you ladies have mentioned, the day when the addiction faded and the reality kicked in for him. Stay strong ladies, there is so much good out there, we just have to find our way to it.

    • Leigh ann

      Wow Riya you have made it to 9 months. I hope when I reach 9 months that by then that the pain and empty feeling is gone. I have had a few really good days. I think the day that a cried most of the day may have finally gotten most of the pain out. We deserve better and so do our mm’s wives. He may be a cad for screwing around on her but she has so much longer of a healing road than we do. How can he ever trust him again? She will never look at him the same again. And no matter what fantasy we have in our heads, if he leaves and comes to us, the way we got him will be the way we lose him. My spouse cheated on me multiple times and I never got over it. I always carried that resentment. I don’t want to be in a relationship again where I am always on guard and scared that he will screw around on me. We are lucky we can find a relationship that we will trust the person. We know the signs of a cheater so we won’t put up with it! You are doing great. Your man is out there. Don’t let your feelings for your mm stand in the way of happiness. Be glad you aren’t his wife! It’s the worst feeling in the world to find out someone you trusted so much was sleeping with someone else. What a way to have your life turned upside down and have your heart ripped from your chest and stomped on. We don’t want that. Let her deal with him! She will kick his butt to the curb one day and you will have moved on and he will just look like a big loser and a dirty cheater! Stay strong 💪🏻

  • anonynmous38

    Hey tricia,…That’s the thing….its not just a little attention…He’s giving me too much of it…it makes me wonder whats really going on at home?

    im actually quite surprised he said I love you, he’s never said in the 3 years we’ve been seeing each other on and off… so it’s really weird…

  • Tricia

    Hi ‘ Anonymous 38 . Anything is possible but don’t believe everything these married men say always go by his actions . Most married men aren’t having affairs for love but simply a good Ego Boost and a little Attention and we just get caught up . So guard your heart lovely lady .

  • Just a simple girl.

    After a week of nc with my mm, I decided just to cut all contact with him. I realize I’m with someone who gives me the world and cheating on him with a mm I couldn’t possibly figure out why I did that and it was best to move on. I just wanted to thank everyone of you and telling your stories made me realize that I deserve better and I can do better

  • Anna

    I don’t understand why I’m struggling so badly today… I am off work and got away to the beach with a girlfriend. The beach has always been a calming place for me, but all I can do is think about my ex mm. I miss him so much. I’m struggling with the NC. I don’t understand how he can just cut me out of his life. Does he not miss me? This hurts so bad. I hate these ups and downs. When will it go away.

    • Leigh ann

      Hi Anna. I feel your pain. I cried most of yesterday and well into the night. I don’t know why I exactly. I do miss him like crazy. Today it has been 11 weeks since he broke up with me. I want to reach out all the time but I refuse. I know that he’s the one losing out not me. He is stuck with a wife that he’s not happy with really and I am able to find something real and true and where I don’t spend the holidays alone so he can be with his family. Nope I deserve better. I’m terrified I will be alone forever but alone with dignity is better than disrespecting myself by being with Mrs MM’s husband…… the universe works in mysterious ways it won’t take something from you unless there’s something better behind it. We just have to find it. Be strong your dignity and self worth are so much more important than being with a part time “boyfriend”. You are doing awesome! 😊

      • Anna

        Thank you Leigh Ann and Nomad. I just wish I knew that this was as hard on him as it is on me. I know that the relationship can not continue but it really just eats me up that he does not reach out. However I also think I am weak when it comes to boundaries and he is strong and better able to put everything in a box. The not knowing and always wondering is hard. I need closure but it’s not there. Hugs to both of you.

        • Leigh ann

          Oh Anna. Don I know the feeling of wishing that I knew if this was as hard on him as it has been in me! I miss him every day and I rehash the whole break up conversation in my head over and over. I hope some day to at least see him again just to know if it was as difficult on him as it was on me. Today is a good day. I almost cried but I refuse. Be strong and happy. Hugs 😊

        • Nomad

          I feel you. On bad days, I was eaten up by sadness and anger, and I just could not see the positivity out of him not reaching out, after all I was the one who chased him away, refused to be understanding and settle for crumbs; I just could not appreciate that he is doing us a huge favor by cutting all ties and stop this vicious cycle of addiction (although truth is they did it themselves and their well-being ,and their wives’, rather than us).

          I wanted him to suffer as much as I did. How could he flip a switch and let go and move on? Constantly ruminating, has he found my replacement? Or slept with his W imagining she was me? Is this it? He’s never returning after the shamelessly countless times? Isn’t this the outcome that I wanted with time and distance? Didn’t I pray that please let me sleep, i desperately wanted the boredom and the mundane back instead of living in anxiety, insecurity, jealousy, dealing with his dwindling interest, increasing guilt and, and most of all wasting my life away?

          Now when I’m getting what I’ve prayed for, why and how did I creep back to missing him and hoping he’ll just dial my no? I too, don’t understand why I am still missing and wishing when he’s helping me to move on, taking the easier path to forsake us and return to their W. I punished myself with so many scenarios of him living happily ever after with his W, appreciating her faithfulness and dedication to the house while he cheated so now he repented. I wanted him to be tormented because he gave me up. He tried to keep me but he couldn’t give. He said my expectations were high and unrealistic, really? In reality, he is selfish and greedy and if I can accommodate, we just meet for instant gratification, that he just wanted his cake and eat it. But I refused. Yet I ruminated and am still unable to attain indifference despite 90 days of no before and now day 46.

          The fact that you are here pouring your heart out is a closure. Few of us are going through NC and it is the toughest resolution! We threw away our moral values and lost ourselves to be with them!

          Leigh Ann, you continue to inspire me with your strength and ability staying sober!

          Hugs to all on NC.

          • Anna

            Sadly all of this is true. In a way his lack of communicating is an act of mercy because he can not give me what I want – a love that is 100%. Albeit this was what I needed to know at the beginning, we both know it now. It’s up to me now to try harder and recognize where his priorities are and get past it somehow. I didn’t want to be the other woman; it made me miserable. I just miss the good times, I miss the person I thought I knew. Hugs to you.

          • Leigh ann

            Thank you Nomad. Your insight into the situation we are in helps me as well! My strength comes from my overwhelming need to preserve my dignity and I don’t won’t put myself into a situation where I will hurt more. Better I suffer through this pain now and not go back into a dead end mess. We are all strong women taking back our lives and working towards getting what we want and need 😊

      • Anna

        Thanks Lee Ann. I have been doing good but the past few days have been really rough. I have always loved travel & going to the beach and the fact that my mind is on him heavily on this trip concerns me. I don’t want to be a person who loses interest in the things I enjoy and I miss him and it makes me second guess my decision to end things, which is insanity because I hated the crumbs. My heart is broken. I love him but I also hate him for putting me through this. I’m so sad.

    • Nomad

      They tell themselves they have to work hard to provide their family. Career and family always come first. They are master of compartmentalization. They are satisfied with been there done that with fantasy. They’d feel guilty for cheating and be more patient and compensating towards their W. Reality sinks in, addiction fades. That’s how we are cut off.

      Day 45 of nc and it’s been getting difficult for me too

    • Kat

      Hi Anna I completely feel you on the feeling up and down with the emotions. That’s how I feel too. I feel like my MM is talking to me less and the relationship is ending. I feel absolutely horrible everyday. I found this quote online “There’s really no shortcut to forgetting someone. You just have to endure missing them everyday until you don’t anymore.” Hopefully one day we won’t hurt or miss them anymore. Positive vibes

    • Bells Paws

      Anna. I think I understand. We want to believe that they care and that they miss us and can’t live without us. We want to know they are suffering too, as much as we are and in the end they will come running back to us , give up everything to be with us. So when we hear nothing it makes everything hurt even more. But you know what, I believe its very possible and very likely that your MM does miss you and he does care. Its just they deal with it differently. They can cut off easily but it doesn’t mean they don’t care, they are just better at burying their feelings. They may not reach out because they think its a sign of weakness or it will start things all over again or because they don’t want to upset you, there can be all kinds of reasons. but don’t automatically think the worst. We often have low self esteem and are so quick to think the worst because we don’t think much of ourselves. When I went NC with my MM , he never made contact and i found it very hurtful, i felt so much for all that, he’s already forgotten all about me and is getting on with his life without a second thought. These thoughts kept going round and round in my head and all built up inside me. But when we finally did talk it turned out he really had missed me and had thought about me a lot and he told me so so kindly and genuinely in his own way. Don’t just assume the worst, try and train yourself to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. |Tell yourself, he is missing you and he cares because you are so wonderful and so worth missing. I’m sure he is.

  • Tricia

    Anonymous 38 . Did you really want dump him or u are making yourself do it ? This may sound crazy but let your relationship slowly died out and run it course when the time come trust me your gut will let U know and as painful as it will be your heart will release him slowly . Allmost a year ago me and my married man we’re having a moment and I looked in his eyes and he looked so sad and like he wanted to leave I knew then it was over and when I asked him was it over he just denied it over and over but I knew better after that 2 months later he just stop contact with me and I was so hurt he couldn’t just be honest fast forward my gut told me it was over so I can accept the truth and release him . U cannot make yourself leave him until U are truly fed up with the affair and know end your heart it’s over . Just my Thoughts? Good Positive Energy.

    • Patti

      Met MM at work 2 yrs ago. I was lonely, vulnerable and got sucked into the friendship. I was quite aloof for a long time & he was frustrated by this. But he still kept hanging on contacting me.

      We secretly hung out after work but they certainly could not be described as dates. He was careful to insinuate it was all very casual so no I Love You ever, no promises. He really didn’t open up much, quite detached at times except when we got physical. He said a few times he wasn’t sure about this, he had never had an affair before. Not sure I believe that!

      As time went on it was all superficial talk, compliments about mostly my appearance. I felt this was all a waste of my time after awhile. Then he stopped wanting to hang out after work and he turned into a text buddy with occasional bumping into each other and flirting.

      I was withdrawing from texting and avoided leaving work at the same time as he did. He withdrew also. I would text every week, then I let a month go by without contacting him. He never reached out once. But I did see him watching me from across the street a few times and when I arrived at work.

      After a month I reached out several times, he quickly replied but then I noticed he would start ignoring some of my texts. He never once did this before.

      I feel its totally over. He doesnt reach out at all. Me withdrawing did not incite the hunter in him at all. It’s all very sad it ended so coldly & there was no openness at all.

      My friends say he did me a favor. At least there was no drama involved.

      • Tricia

        Hi’ Pattie. Yes he did do you a favor ! He was never going to let you in his world he was detached and probably was gonna pull a lot of MIA on you and no woman wants a relationship like that you deserve so much better ! I know it hurts but God will see U through this . Stay strong.

    • Anonynmous38

      Yes Im ready now…I feel that If I let the relationship run its course…itll never end….I think he may have really fallin in love…its kinda makin me uncomfortable…Ive always wanted to hear him say it…but now that he said it…Im like um?!?! Something must of changed in his household…cuz I dont get why he’s acting like this…

      Oh the other day he said he wants to ejaculate inside of me raw….Im like WTH!!! What if I get pregnant…smh…

      Its crazy…cuz his wife just posted a beautiful family picture….Is It possible to be in love with more than one person?!

    • Anonymity

      Tricia, are you suggesting that we should let it die slowly or to cut it off abruptly? I’m struggling with that right now. I am in a low in my rollercoaster and I know I need to end it. I don’t know which would hurt more. Cutting it off now or watching it slowly die.

      • Tricia

        Anonymity. I think when your pain is greater then your desire for your married man and you are truly fed up with him and the whole situation u can truly release him and move on . If not stay in your affair until it dies naturally and know u made that choice and it was a good run and let him go. God will see us through these tough times. Positive Vibes !!!

  • Sonya

    Where do u start .Married for 14 yrs now .Italian been a disaster from start .Still had two kids with him.Met the MM at work three years ago .We both are doctors .Knew him since six years,always found him super attractive but never talked till three years ago when he hit on me initially . We started going out . He was super nice ,always kind and gentle man. We both knew we were married .He never made up the story of being the poor husband and doesn’t talk ill about his wife. He made it clear from the beginning he lives his kids too much to rock the boat at home.I fell in love with him right away. Told him and he confessed he likes me but doesn’t love me .that was 2 and half years ago in between we had few fall outs but pretty much have been with each other .I consider him my best friend, advisor and lover .Pretty much everything .married life at home has been on downhill since a long time .I had. My second kid with my husband while being with the MM.You all will think how crazy..there were more deeper issues ..I wanted to have a sibling for my kid.I was turning 40 that year. As we have an isolated social life and she was always wanting one and I thought even if I divorce they will have each other’s company.My MM was surprisingly very nice and supportive throughout my pregnancy.aftrr I came. Back from Maternity leave he broke up with citing what we share is not a real relationship and that he wants to work on his marriage.But would like to stay friends .I loved him so much that I just was ok with even that . eventually we Didi start seeing each other again and now even he admits that he loves me .Our future is still the same , no plans of getting together ever in future.During this whole three years I have been more involved I am the one who asks him everytime to go out ,lunches ,sex etc..He has been getting busier and busier expanding his practice since last year.Most of the time he says no to meeting citing work and it’s mostly true .However ealier we used to text each other a lot and that is reducing too.We try to meet once a week or two for sex.Thats one time he is so sweet and relaxed otherwise he is always running .We are also meeting at my gym for work out since last few weeks once a week.He is still sweet and kind but I am feeling it’s ending slowly.I nag him about being so busy and then feel guilty as I know he works so hard .But I jus feel I understand when u r busy ..I am a docotr too but he should make more efforts from his side to meet me .I can’t say if he is narcissistic or not .I know that he knows that I adore him.he knows he is the most good looking doctor in the hospital and all girls always have a crush on him.But I am considered very attractive too for a physician .why am I waiting is to gather stength for NC .I haven’t had the stength so far.I am the one who texts him morning , good night , how is ur day and his comments more so lately are desultory .Earlier we used to text all the time .He is on vacation in Florida now and sends me few texts like hope u r well here and there ..seems so superficial and I inspite of it all , am eagerly waiting for for him to come back and see him .Why do I have hopes we can be together.

    • Riya

      Hi Sonya, I feel your pain. Similar background, for several deep reasons, I am choosing to stay in this marriage. I also know that it’s hard for folks to understand that situation , my therapist included. Chatting with my MM, who was also my best friend since college was my way to stay sane. So it was even hurtful when he ended it since I lost 2 relationships at the same time. I hope you are able to save yourself some of that hurt and see things for what they are. I can only agree with what some of the others have mentioned before that the affair will take its course, so don’t beat your self about the end of it but may be think of some ways to protect your heart. Sending you well wishes.

  • Tricia

    Nancy . I read your post and I’m say something and I don’t want it to come off harsh . Nancy U done to much for your married man and he probably looked at sweet things U did for him as A act of desperation to keep him around and he lost interest but they stay around for Ego and self reason not for love or the sweet things we do for them . Men are Hunters they love a Challenge and when everything is handed to them they slowly lose interest. I never told my Ex Mm how I felt about him and when I did slowly but surely he left and were together 7 yrs on and off . Good luck ! Stay Strong .

    • Hayley

      Tricia – I second this!! Luckily I know enough about how men work that I knew never to shower my MM with gifts, infact never once! I’d never give him money, never do sweet things for him and I never chased him too much.. I think I remained a challenge most of The times, I deliberately confused him sometimes (cruel I know) hence why he kept returning and I still believe he will again one day.
      Men are hunters, you need to play the game especially when you are not in a real relationship. I also made the mistake of telling him how I felt and guess what.. he pulled away.. so I did the same then made out I wasn’t serious, I pretended I couldn’t care less about him and he soon started blowing up my phone again!
      Men are like cats.. chase them and they will run, ignore them and they come purring around your feet.. it’s so true but us women have such a hard time doing this.
      Nancy don’t contact his wife EVER, he won’t thank you for it and will make him run for the hills.
      Always be the sun, stand still and let the men revolve around you not the other way round and if you ever want this man to be with you then this is your best chance of it ever happening. Wise words Tricia. Although I think all of us women deserve more than these men!!

      • Xxx

        Yeah, so true.. but to be honest i am a bit tired of those games. I deliberately do them simetimes too but more not. I think the best is to just keep yourself busy enjoying your life and not let your world revolve around someone else. These mm knew how to make us relaxed and to gain our trust, so we gave them too much – not material things necessarly, but time, emotions, thoughts, nerves. I guess we can learn a lot from this as well. Tricia, it is very smart decision to take your time before entering another relationship. For those who give it a chance, I hope it works – if anything, it can help to distract from these “assclowns”as Hayley calls them. 😊

      • anonynmous38

        i think Im like nancy somewhat…but my MM surprised me…He’s giving more attention…That’s weird to me…He ‘s telling me he loves me a lot nowadays…I did certain things for him to make sure he doesn’t forget me…and now its time for me to dump him…Itll be hard, I kinda feel bad…but wateva…

      • Nomad

        I think mine has finally pulled the plug… it’s been 44days… I’m missing him and hoping he’ll reach out but he’s drained and I must work harder to move on…

  • Hayley

    All of these stories are the same… not one happy ending!
    I read somewhere today: ‘a man who cheats then looks into the eyes of his spouse and tells her he loves her is the lowest kind of man on the pyramid’ !
    We are sooooo much better than these horrid assclowns.
    I’ve finallyyy hit the ‘block’ button 3 days ago & it feels good.

    • Tricia

      Hi ‘ Hayley . Yes all the stories are all the same and so is the outcome too not sounding judgemental but God Is Not Going To Give Us another Woman Husband and Be Happy ! Because it didn’t start right regardless of what the man say about his marriage. These affairs only show you where your Self Esteem at and sometimes bring the worst out of you . My pain is buried inside of me but I’m not ready for a relationship yet until I feel good inside . Good for you blocking him it really help oh delete his number that have helped me from the temptation of calling him . Stay Strong ladies !! Positive Vibes Always .

  • Nancy

    Recently been cut out of my mm life for sending a couple texts to his wife. It’s been 7 years of on/off relationship. I may love him but I’m getting to the point of feeling to exhausted by all his temper tantrums and walking out of my life when he feels scared or pushed. I have spent so much time chasing after him and I believe this time, him and I are final at an end. I use to be devastated when he’d say he n3eds time and space for a break but after what the past year has been, I’m realizing his wife can keep the moody and self centered a$$hole. I worked my butt off to regain his trust and yes, I technically made a simliar decision, but it was a test to see how he’d react. He hasn’t changed at all. He says he stays for his kids but now I’ve given him 3 opportunities to leave his wife for me and once again he fights to stay in/save his marriage each time I contact her. He’s a liar and his love and affection was conditional. I feel like I’ve finally seen what a cold and cruel person he really is.

  • Heartbroken

    He called my worked phone first thing yesterday morning and left a v/m asking if I blocked him. He stated his intuition was telling him that I’ve been happy at home all this time and that’s why I ended things with him. He said I needed to talk to him because I owed him an explanation. He went further and apologized for being angry at me, but that was just his frustration and anger for being treated unfairly.
    I responded with a text to him that my decision wasn’t because of my home but because I deserve better than what he has to offer. Then I wished him well. And blocked him again.
    As soon as I got to my desk I got another long v/m from him. Then he called and sounded so sad. Said he really felt bad for being ugly with me the other day and that’s not how he wanted me to view him as a person. Said he was just hurting and the whole ending just saddened him. Said he did not want us to be at odd with each other. Then started crying and said he was deeply sorry for how he was talking me.
    I got weak and bursted into tears. I said all I wanted was for him to realize his shortfalls and how much pain he was causing me. Then we ended the call.
    Right now he’s still being blocked on my phone. I know I will not contact him as I’ve never had in the past when we went NC. So if he does not reach out to me that will mean he will never hear from me.

    Thank you ladies for responding to me. I keep reading your posts as they keep me stay strong. The pain is horrendous and I wonder how much longer it’ll take for me to completely heal. As Anna put it: “I’m so torn between missing him and thinking about the good times and hating what he did to me.” This is exactly the feeling I have right now. Never in a million years I would have imagined being in this situation…a broken marriage and a post toxic relationship with a married man. 🙁

    • Leigh ann

      Hi Heartbroken. I can imagine that the pain is horrendous, dealing with a broken marriage and the toxic relationship. You are gaining stength every day by keeping him blocked. His is really working on your vulnerability right now. You owe him nothing and owe yourself everything. I don’t know if there is a chance to fix your broken marriage or if it’s something you need to get out of but the only way to truly know is to leave the mm blocked and evaluate what you want from your life. Be a bit selfish when you do this and take care of yourself and your feelings. Be kind to yourself and remember that you deserve to be happy and to be treated with respect and to be somebody’s number 1. No scraps no crumbs no BS just true love and kindness. Stay strong. Each day will get a tiny bit better 😊

  • anna

    I was reading over some communication last night that I had with my mm in July 2017 when we were at one of our highest points. At that time, he wrote to me that his relationship with his wife was strained and he led me to believe that they would not be staying together.
    But about a year after we resumed out affair after I was hooked again he started telling me he couldn’t leave her because she was “too sick” and he had to take care of her. A year and a half in he changed it again to “he loved her in a different way” and finally right before we went NC he told me that “he was going to do whatever he could to work it out” with her and “repair his family”.

    Reading over the old emails, I feel so betrayed and so sickened, so taken advantage of and used. I have really been struggling when I have periods of alone time – wondering if it was my fault somehow. I’m so torn between missing him and thinking about the good times and hating what he did to me. How long will it be before my heart catches up with my head? When I read some of the posts on this page I hate some of these men so much for what they do to the women here. Yes, we are grown women and we are responsible for our own actions, but we fell for these men and trusted them. Stay strong everyone. I’m sorry to be a broken record but I’m still hurting.

  • Heartbroken

    I got involved in a relationship with a married man over 3 years ago. I am married myself. My marriage was not great and has been much worse since this relationship. I completely grew out of love for husband and our sex life has been non existent. My MM on the other hand has a happy marriage (they don’t have children together). Our first 3 years was wonderful. We work at the same place, and his wife works there too (crazy I know!) They drive to work and home together everyday and they are always together so it’s hard for him to get away. The only time we saw each other was at work. We would call, message, stop by each others desk when opportunity presented and had lunch together everyday Mon-Friday. We didn’t get intimate until 2 years into the relationship and yes it took place at work. I changed team and the new work responsibilities require a lot of my time and I did not have much time during work for him like I used to. One day beginning of this year he told me the wife walked into him messaging me. He said she didn’t see anything and he was OK. But after that was a change in behavior. Our nightly chats got reduced and then completely cut because he had to be in bed with her. That was at home; behavior at work started to change too. Lunch did not happen everyday and less calls ( claimed work). I got bothered and decided to cut things off. He was shocked and devastated. We started to talk again. He wasn’t begging for me to come back but I gave the signal I was willing to work things out. After that He still showed no improvement (very different compared to before as this had happened a few times in the past). I got mad again and said that was it. We weren’t talking for 2 weeks and he messaged me one day asking to meet. In the meeting room he expressed pain and asked me to confirm that the decision I made was because things were better at home for me and my husband. He said he needed to know so he could move on. I said it wasn’t because of my home; it was because I was being neglected and wasn’t made to feel loved. We talked things out and we hugged and he kissed me on the head before heading out. That night we chatted on the phone (he pretended to logon to work so he did not have to be in bed with wife) and he said how happy he was to chat again like the old days. Then the next day at work I told him to meet me in a room and i brought us breakfast. I thought we were going to be good again, but In the room he said let’s slow things down because situation had changed and he didn’t want us to hurt. That upset me and later in the day we talked and he said it would be better to remain “good loving friends”. Are you kidding me? After all that now good loving friends? I unfriended him on FB, and cut other ties with him. Needless to say He was very upset. All he wanted was us to be friends. He loves for me to contact him whenever I want and also he to me, but that is impossible. I am bitter I don’t want him to contact me for a quick check in and then I won’t hear from him for who knows how long. I told him I don’t want pieces of his crumbs. Then We didn’t talk the last full week (and he went on a trip with wife).
    Today I ran into him at work and I gave him a cold look, he immediately called me and wanted to know why the treatment. I poured my heart out to him and said how much pain he was causing me and how I would never forgive him. He was so rude and said I was selfish and only cared about my feelings. He claimed that ever since I changed job I no longer had much time for him and that impacted him. He asked me if I would still be his friend I said no. He acted very angry and said he never believed me anyway when I told him my marriage was bad (well, the fact is it’s worst than bad, and I even sweared to him I stopped intimacy at home). He told me he didn’t believe me (and told me he still sleeps with his wife like any husband would). He said he has decided to work things out at home and how great it has been not having to worry about getting caught. He used abusive language and there I was sitting in disbelief looking at the man I thought I was once everything to talking to me like that. Tears coming down to my face as he got up in anger, finished up his last rude sentence, and walked out of the room while I was sobbing my heart out.
    Then he messaged me blaming again that it all started with me and I never gave him the patience and understanding to his situation like he mine. I responded basically wrapping everything up, telling him no man who claims to love me would cause me much pain and humiliation like he did, and that I would not tolerate that again. I sent my last message and blocked him.
    I am in so much pain right now. Too much has happened that things can never go back to before again, and my heart aches. I’m praying that I will have the strength to move on. There’s a lot of voids in my life. I have no one to talk to. Please help me stay strong.

    • Xxx

      Dear Heartbroken, anothere narcissist! I may be boring talking about this, but his behavior fits classical NPD’s, because: 1. He projects onto you being intimate with your husband (to justify his own behavior – sleeping with the two of you). 2. He blames you for hurting his feelings by unfriending him on social media, while he did not give you any hope for improvement. 3. He needs validation from another woman, so while he is working out the things with his wife, you are supposed to be there for him. 4. He still wants to be “your friend”, because read number 4 – you are basically narcissistic supply and a chase (he likes not being caught by his wife). And 5. He got into a narcissistic rage when you refused to play by his rule, that is where anger and all those bad words come from (he used to hide it very well before). This is my opinion, I am certainly no expert. But the man who has been dragging the woman for 3 years in the background while being happily married is a narcissist in my opinion. In your case, since you are also married and doing the same, even though your marriage is unhappy, I do not encourage that all. I don’t judge you either. Your husband also deserves to be treated with honesty, since that is what you are looking from your mm.

    • Leigh ann

      Hi Heartbroken. We all have our stories here. It is terrible to think that you were once so important to him and now he blames you for everything. Don’t take that s*^t from anyone. It’s easier to blame someone else than look at yourself and what your part is in it and that is what he is doing. He just wanted to lash out at you because you told him to take himself and get lost. You deserve to be happy and don’t be anyone’s number 2 for anything. You have to fill the voids in your life with things that make you happy and fulfilled. I realized through my journey that there was something broken in me that I was willing to put up with scraps and BS. I am now 10 weeks of NC and yes I miss him like crazy but I won’t put myself back into that crappy situation. I made sure I left that situation with my dignity in tact. There are still many tears but I’m not contacting him. If he was to ever come back to me it would have to be when the ink was dry on the divorce papers and I can’t even say I would take him back then. Be strong and remember you are a strong woman and you deserve happiness and to be with someone who doesn’t hurt you and cause you so much pain and isn’t a cheating lying SOB who abuses you. I know it hurts now but time will help heal and the pain will get less. This group of women has helped me so much and can lean on this group. So many have such good insight! 😊

      • Nomad

        Leigh Ann

        Your strength and priority on dignity and pride have truly inspired me especially I’m now 40 days into NC. Like you, I will not reach out. But if he does, I think there’s a dangerous possibility of me going back. I miss the fantasy, I miss falling in love with him… I’ve listed down reasons to quit but the pain, just like the addiction to the high, fades with time and space too. I cannot bump into him at the current state. I cannot handle the sight of him looking casual, relax and happy. I cannot hear about him from other common people. We still share a groupchat. We no longer work under the same roof and boss. Hence, the NCs have been achievable because out of sight and blocking him helped tremendously. He should be enjoying family bliss so why should I live in hell? On good days, I could muster the strength to live normally, channel my energy into work. Be patient with myself. Taking a day at a time. After all this good but slow progress, I still want him back. However, is he back because he loves me or because he feels less guilty, smothering and even need to boost his ego? Now that he left, is it because he loves me? (Because we are both married and have no future so leaving and setting each other free is a form of love and kindness). So, I do still ruminate and it is doing me no good. I’m afraid to be alone and not keeping myself busy. As contradicting it may sound, i need the me time to heal and not packing my after office hrs wasting my time with acquaintances. I would feel a greater void after that. (I’m more of introvert with low self esteem than an extrovert what my outlook portrays).

        I wish I could be as firm as you, only to take him back when the ink on the divorce paper dries up. So far, I took him back when he appeared at my desk, or few missed calls, or voicemails or emails or poems … pathetic crumbs.

        Please continue to injest strength here!

        • Anna

          Nomad, you can do it. I’m about the same amount of time into NC and it is difficult. I have ups and downs with the NC. I miss him and think about the good times but I know nothing will change. He told me at the end that if his life changes he will come find me and see if our time is finally right. On my good days when I feel strong and healthy I want him to get in a better place and fix himself and yes, even fix his marriage, if that’s what he truly wants. I know that may sound shocking but I truly do care for him and want him to find happiness and live a life he doesn’t feel he needs to escape from. On my bad days I just miss what we had and ache and I wonder if I’ll ever find that again but I’m resolved to stay strong because I deserve more and better than to be a side piece. It’s hard I’m not going to lie. Like you I tend to be introverted and throw myself into work heavily. I’ve had to force myself to get out of the house more and take up activities that aren’t related to work – push yourself outside your comfort zone. Imagine there are two hands on your back pushing you out the door. I’ve done therapy, yoga, meditation, gym, walking, met friends for dinner, spent more time with the kids, traveled, and I’m dating. I still think about him and post here when I get sad. You can get through this. Stay strong!

    • Tricia

      Hi ‘ Heartbroken. I’m sorry your Ex Mm did that to U he was wrong he manipulated the situation to make U look like the bad guy he string U along he always was with his wife trying to make things better . And now U have to make things better for U . And don’t ever go back to him U don’t need that Im your life . Don’t blame yourself for his actions and Be Kind to yourself we all make mistakes . Know that you’re not alone . Stay Strong lovely !!

    • Nomad

      Heartbroken

      I feel you. I too said my parting words on 26 Feb and blocked him since then. This time he did not reach out. I told him I’m better off without him and I could achieve much more without him. He wasn’t there when I needed him to share my joy and sorrows, to assure me knowing that I’m insecure and feeling anxiety and jealousy, which are typical negativity of affair. I told him it’s over, I do not want to deal with his pathetic crumbs at his convenience. I told him he brought me nothing but sadness. If he can’t do any better than sending desultory text to check in, get out of my life. And then i blocked him.

      Few of us are going through NC. Anna, Leigh Ann and Tricia, I draw strength from their progress and thinking process… I too need help and support…Positive Vibes!!!

      I’m worried when the anger wears off…

  • Bells Paws

    Hi ladies,

    Oh I’ve been quiet on this site for a while. I read all your stories of resolve to NC and break off. But I can’t do it. Each time I am drawn back to him. He is a good man- he’s been honest and open with me; he’s loving and caring and wonderful in every way. He says he can’t give up all that he has or his commitments to his family and young child (25 years marriage, 11 yr old son). I believe this, its not his wife who he loves and is staying for, but his children and family commitments. He says he would be with me but he can’t because of his situation. He says I should find someone else and he understands me being unhappy with what little he can offer me and I should move on and forget him. He can’t offer me more. He doesn’t think it will ever change. But I can’t let go. He’s the one I love and want. I haven’t met anyone else I’m interested in for ages. Some days I think I‘ll accept the crumbs and enjoy what little we do have together – it is so wonderful when we are together, but then the void of weeks without any contact with him makes me feel crap and so unfulfilled. He said he’s going away for a long weekend with his family and it filled me with pain and longing. I should let go, but I can’t and at the moment crumbs are enough to keep me hanging on. I’m sorry to let you down ladies.

    • Xxx

      Whatever you do just make sure you are happy..😊 If being with your mm makes you more happy and less frustrated as compared to when you go NC, then against any logics go for it.. and vice versa. When I read your post it seems to me that he really cares for you because he wants you to be happy, even if it was with another man. Good luck in any case..

      • Bells Paws

        Thank you. There are no rules in life or love. My MM is a good man, he is kind and caring. I respect his commitment to his children. I can’t expect him to desert them and nor should he. At the moment, in my life as it is, I enjoy having him. We give each other affection, love and acceptance. Its nice and I’m not in enough pain to end things. He is open and honest with me and we can talk about things. He isn’t pushing himself on me at all, he’d be happy if I found someone else that made me happy , he’s not possessive or controlling at all. He really is a good, kind, genuine person. I understand his situation, he wants to do the right thing but after so long its unnatural. We are just dong what we both enjoy. For now, at least, i rather have what I can of him than nothing.

  • Katherine

    I am from Zimbabwe. My first love left home when we were 22 to go and study in Australia and he never came back. After 2 years absence i broke it off. We both moved on, got married to different people in the same year, he in Australia, me in Zimbabwe. My marriage was a painful disaster which ended 3 years ago. We recently reconnected on skype and have been talking constantly. This has been happening for 2 months All of my old feelings for him came rushing back. I love this man with all my being. He says he loves me too but he is happily married. We are separated by distance and circumstances in a painfully permanent sort of way. He is insisting on staying friends but the fact that he can only talk to me when he is away from his wife and i have to sit and wait for him to contact me when it is a ‘good’ time makes me painfully aware that distance or not i am having an affair with this man. I am now the other woman. I can’t be casual about him. I can’t be his friend. So yesterday i deleted my skype account as this was the only way he had of reaching me. And now i feel like my chest has been cut open. I am filled with regret for giving up on us 15 years ago. I am hurting so much i don’t know what to do.

    • Jules

      Judy,

      Your are not alone. You are dying a slow death, get out. I have said in the past and I will say it again, being with a mm is digging your own grave. Get out while you can still climb out.
      Who you are is in your soul but it has been muffled by the mm manipulations and the slipping away of your identity. To find yourself again unload this mm. He is assaulting your soul daily. You said it perfectly….”That is not what life and love is supposed to be”. That is the pure and honest truth.

    • Jules

      Katherine,

      I know you are hurting so much but you did the right ting. Hang on. Hang on and know that you are not alone. I and others here, have felt the pain of ending the mm relationship. It will be OK. Everyday I get stronger and clearer in my thinking.
      Love and care for yourself. Deleting Skype was self care.

      Hugs and strength to you.
      Jules

    • Anonynmous38

      You know what ladies, Im done, his accident put things into perspective for me….I hope it does for him as well…even tho I had a dream it did not….Im out….Im tired, my heart is tired, my mind is tired, Im just tired…

  • Tricia

    Hi ‘Anonymous 38 . Here’s my advice don’t give any man especially a married man wifely duty’s and your not his wife ! And don’t play house with no man . Don’t give a man no Money !!! He is grown man whatever it is he want let him find a way to get it and don’t use your credit to finance him nothing ! Men don’t respect a woman who take care of him money wise ! Now if u want to end your relationship ghost him and block and delete . I think your married man will probably always need you but what U need is a loving man who want and respect u and give u the relationship u deserve. I once give a man money and everything he wanted so I thought he left me and never wanted me so I learned the hard way . Positive Vibes stay strong !!!

    • anonynmous38

      TRiCIA!!!! I think Ive been giving to much of myself, LIKE WAY TO MUCH!!! Im so glad you said wifely duty’s, I make him vegetable juice almost every other day!!!

      I think he will always need me because he’ll never find a woman to do the things that I do for him, not even his own wife!! but its time for me to go and give all this love to my own man…

      • Tricia

        Anonymous 38. I have been there girl I done sweet things too for my Ex Mm and he eventually left me and never looked back I’m ok now but the pain is still there . Your husband is coming think of this as your being groomed for your special man hang in there !!! Keep on moving !!

        • anonynmous38

          thank you Tricia, you made me smile…I always imagine dag I would make my own husband so happy…

          your husband is on the way also…:-)…

          I was a little envious of my mm’s relationship with his wife but then God reminded me why? he cheats on his wife, so dont be envious…

      • Nancy

        I’ve spent 7 years, that when he’d say jump, I’d say how high! I made him cookies, repaired his clothes, attended to his emotional and physical needs, gave him so many gifts and always drove 3 hours to see him about twice a week for an hour of ***. He once again asked for a break, which hurts, but I’m done. Why do we do this to ourselves? I’m a very introverted person, rarely communicate, but I’d do whatever he asked to keep him happy and his temper at bay. Now his wife can deal with it. I doubt he’ll come back again, as this is the second major break we’ve had, and I’m thankful I’m finally seeing the light to his selfish ways. You are right, both your om and my ex om, will never find someone else who will do all the amazing things we have for them. Feeling like an idiot for ever giving him what I have. What a waste of time, money, and effort. I’m going to focus on my professional life from here on out. I hope you find a better focus of your energy as well. Hugs!

        • anna

          Totally was me with my ex-mm! Like you, we have had 2 major breaks and he showed me where his priorities lay. After the first one, I was devastated and continued to romanticize our relationship. I was convinced that he was “the one” and that we just met at the wrong time in life. I soooo wanted him back and it consumed my every thought. It was like I willed it to happen! And lo and behold it did. But now I know that it was bound to happen that way. We as the OW make such good supply for these MM. Seems like they always return as long as they are not getting caught or getting their needs met somewhere else. I see now the pattern with my MM. His wife is now aware of me again for the second time and he has cut me out of his life again so he can “repair his family” round two. I can not continue to be in love with someone who can flip a switch and go from “you are my soulmate” to “you do not exist in my world” nor will I allow myself to be triangulated. I have been NC for 1.5 months and at this point I do not intend to contact him again on my own accord although I have had some very bad days (documented here) I am staying strong!

  • Young & Confused

    Seriously though… I have no idea what’s even going on in my life right now. I was involved with MM from November 2017-July 2018. We were kinda friends from July-October and then I completely cut ties with him. He’s 41 and I’m 21 (yikes, I know). The reason I cut ties completely was because I found a wonderful boyfriend who treated me like a literal QUEEN. I never actually cheated on my boyfriend but I did end up telling him everything about MM (he was suspicious). Fortunately, he was very accepting and he was the main reason I never went back to my MM. Well, three days ago my boyfriend got sentenced to 2-4 years in prison! Where on Earth did I find these people!?! It feels like they both came into my life on a giant wrecking ball and ruined everything. Now I want to message MM and vent to him about my boyfriend going to prison but I know that’s a bad bad bad BAD idea. I’ve made it over 5 months with NC but it’s really tempting because there’s nobody here to stop me from messaging him. All I want in my life is a NORMAL relationship. Is that really too much to ask for?

    • Live and Let

      Young and Confused, it’s great that you’re young – you’re having these relationship experiences and learning from them and you have many, many years ahead of you in which to enjoy applying those lessons, building a happy life for yourself filled with better relationships. And now you’re free! Free to find a great relationship. Keep up your good no-contact work. Good luck.

  • anonynmous38

    ill be honest with you all Im envious of the relationship my mm has with his wife…not that I want for him myself cuz at end of the day he’s a cheater but I do believe he does love his wife….I hope to find someone who loves me just as much as he loves his wife…

    I think Im envious of all relationships, cuz Ive never really had one of my own…sigh…

    • Xxx

      Well, that is sad actually. You should put more effort in loving and accepting yourself than to envy other relationships. Since you are being honest, I will feel free to ask you – do you think that the reason for being stuck with addiction to mm is actually wanting sth that belongs to another person? That the reason of never having a real relationship is that? We are all full of unresolved issues. The other girl is talking about the guy going to prison. My mm got out of prison not long ago before I met him. I think it is us who have self-doubts deep down and think we deserve less, but we should change our attitude. I used to look away when I’d see a married couple holding hands but it has all passed you see.. I chose not to be the one who looks away and break my addiction off.. you need strong will and hope you find an enormous amount of it!💪

      • anonynmous38

        yes I think I do have unresolved issues, I look at loving couples and think no one will ever love me that much, so I settled for less,

        I think Im so desperate for an ” I love you”… I just give all of myself and expect nothing in return…

        Also, I never wanted something that belongs to someone else, I didn’t even know he was married, I found out later on..

        I think Im addicted to him because he was my first,

        send me an email- we’ll talk some more, KLNOP7756@gmail.com

    • Xxx

      And I have read your other comment. To be honest, your mm is using you in my opinion and I am not sure why should you share the things you have been doing for him? You are not fair with how you treat yourself. And it got to the point where you are being desperate to even give him money (that he probably did not ask) just to remind him that he has a safe harbour for whenever he decides to come by. If I am wrong or rude, sorry about that, but for God sake take more care of yourself.

      • anonynmous38

        Hey XXX, I was in a weird emotional state yesterday, I cant believe I said those things, I must of been drunk…

        but no you were not rude at all, we all are here to be honest with each other, I came here so you ladies could lift the fog over my eyes, and shake me like- what the hell is wrong with you-…

  • anna

    I have been doing really well for the most part. I have come out of the horrible addiction/depression and am starting to feel happier and stronger. I have a few things planned that I am really looking forward to, I am getting out a lot more and have even started dating again. All of this is wonderful and good. Now for the bad. I still find myself thinking about my mm every day. I still check my phone for his messages and wonder if he’s thinking about me. I still have days where I ruminate over him when I am alone. I think Sundays are particularly bad because we would meet on Saturdays and I would be on pins and needles all day Sunday waiting to hear from him after our rendezvous to keep me from feeling alone during the weekend. I have also had dreams about him and his wife. I would like to find a way to get past the thoughts and ruminating. I am over 1.5 months NC now. My question for those of you who have been in the NC for several months – Do you ever get to the point where you stop the obsessive thoughts and ruminating? Does your mind ever just stop turning things over and over again and reach a point of acceptance about your mm? How long does it take before it goes away? I know that I will always love him and don’t expect that to stop but I don’t want the thoughts to depress me so.

    • Tricia

      Hi ‘ Anna . Good for U living your life again ! Yes I think the married man always stay in the back of our mines why who knows ? But it’s been 5 months for me since I last saw him and yes every now and then I think of him sometimes I cannot believe it’s really over but really do think it is thou. But just talking to other men is so refreshing ! Just breath and go on with your life . Positive Viibes !

    • Leigh ann

      Hi Anna. I am at 9 weeks NC and I still miss him so much. I still think about him every day and I still cry sometimes. But it’s getting better. I am dating now and I have met someone who I have a lot in common with and the big one is he is single and I know that if it goes ok I can actually build a real relationship with him. It’s getting easier and the giant hole in me has begun to heal and I know it’s best that he’s gone. I can’t say I won’t miss my mm but it’s easier every day. I hope you will find someone who deserves you and treats you like you are number 1. Stay strong and know it will fade. You won’t forget him but the hurt will heal 😊

      • anna

        Hi Leigh ann,
        I am so happy for you that you have met someone single that you can build something with and that you are starting to heal inside!
        I have started dating too and we have chemistry but it is moving super slow, which I am actually grateful for because that is what I need. He is recently divorced and will have to move slowly too. I am not sure where it will lead but I am interested to see where it goes. I am best when I stay busy so I throw myself into challenging things at work and take up new things and be around people.
        I think of him mostly in those times when I am alone so I try not to have too much alone time – which can be a challenge because I always liked my “alone time”. This has really changed my entire life. I still check my phone for his messages and wonder if he’s thinking of me or what he is doing but I also know that if I were to break no contact it would be a mistake and nothing would change it would put me right back in the hole I was in if not worse. I know all of this is for the best, it is just hard. I sound like a broken record don’t I.

        • Leigh ann

          Hi Anna. I know what you mean. I still check my phone too with the hopes that maybe there will be a message. But I also think to myself that it will just turn out the same way. I am dating someone else and I too am taking it slow. He doesn’t know I still have heartache for someone else and I won’t tell him. I don’t want my heartache to ruin something that could be really good. But once again this would have been the time we would be together and I am in tears again. I too wonder If he is thinking about this being out time together or if he just erased me. When we ended things he said he would always think about me. I don’t even know if it’s true. And what did he lose in all this? He went back to his normal life with his wife and kids and what I think is a relatively loveless marriage as well and I ended up with nothing but tears and heartache. I want so badly to contact him just to know he thinks about me. But I know it would be dumb and far too painful. I too find myself much better when I am around people. My alone time is the most painful. I even cry when I drive home from work. I always think to myself how pathetic am I that I can’t just move past this. 🙄. I’m staying strong though.

          • Xxx

            Hi Leigh Ann, I just wanted to tell you that you should not destroy something that can turn into a fairtail (who knows😉) for someone who will always be unavailable. I destroyed once something that was nice just because I couldnt get past the grief for mm and it was so dumb, cuz I regreted it a lot afterwards. I think that we humans are wired like that, we somehow always think “what if”, instead to enjoy what we have right now. I also often reminded myself that in 20 years from now (if I stayed with mm) i would have no any outcome from that relationship and he would probably have 1-2 more kids with his wife. The only thing would be the memories of some secret meetings, phonecalls and texts? No. Every woman deserves more than that because we have only one life.

          • anna

            I wondered the same things. I wonder if he is thinking about me or if he was able to just go back to the marriage and if they are doing better. I feel like so many things he told me were not true and I struggle with the not knowing. I wrote down a list of all the times I was disappointed and hurt by the affair and it has helped keep things in perspective and keep me strong but I still have this hurt in my heart. It is hard not knowing if I will ever love anyone as much as I loved the illusion he created for me. Stay strong!

          • Leigh ann

            Wow Anna! You hit the nail on the head. We are in love with the illusion. There were so many things that drove me nuts about this situation like how could he talk to me most of the night or all day and then crawl into bed with her. How could he tell me he loved me and go out to family functions with her. It was an illusion because it wasn’t real. He never saw the person who suffered from depression or my bad habits or anything like that and he never showed me that side if himself. We never showed our true selves to each other and that’s why it’s so hard. I am staying strong even though this week was our time together and I have broken down in tears so many times. I will remain strong and keep moving forward and go on the date I have planned for this evening and hide my heartache. But really I am dying inside. But I keep telling myself that Sunday would come when we were together and he would get out of bed early in the morning to catch that flight back to his home and family. And that drove me nuts too. So staying strong 💪🏻

    • Nomad

      Anna, Leigh Ann, Tricia,

      My NC started on 26 Feb so it’s been almost 7weeks. At times, I was so afraid to break the record of 90days (Sep -Nov 2018) and as long as the record is not broken, i would find myself hoping and waiting. Has he found another lover? Has he rekindled with his W? (Their marriage was sexless so he claimed and his W was cold towards him, well that’s typical of what most mm would justify)

      I’m still thinking of him everyday. On good days, I’m glad the addiction is wearing off with time and space. On bad days, I’d ruminate and could still feel the anger and grief. I distracted and numbed myself at work and got my promotion recently. Yet the void and wishing I could share my good news with him would creep in.

      Earlier I started to ask here, is THIS TIME the last time? The final end? I’ve 2 close confidant who knew abt this, “bet” that he’d be back. That gave me hope. I wanted him back but I also don’t want him back. His attention and affection dwindled since Jun 2017, I knew I was losing him, we were heading towards slow death but each time I’d cave in whenever he threw me crumbs out of his convenience.

      I found out he blocked me in mid mar. I felt hurt and rejected. But then he was blocked by me countless times. He said I “trained” him well and got used to being blocked so it’s like I was tasting my own medicine. But because he blocked me, my hope sort of died and I forced myself to live normally. I baked and did yoga and stayed away from phone and tried to sleep. I withdrew from colleagues and preferred to lunch by myself. I want to be comfortable with being alone. Being alone free me from disappointment and expectations from others; make me feel safe. But there’s still sadness that I’ve lost him though I keep telling myself it was a fantasy, not meant to be.

      Like any mm, he’s the master in compartmentalising the affair. I failed hence I turned into a masochist, living and getting used to pain. I cannot settle for crumbs, I do not want to deal with his guilt and excuses. My marriage and family were badly neglected. I was so jealous of his W. We drained each other emotionally and mentally. It was always me who triggered NC and blocked him. He knew if he wanted to, he could “easily” sneak back. He’d keep calling my work phone, use another phone to call me or his last trick in feb this yr was to write me poems telling me he was still crazy for me. He ever said I was very demanding, possessive and difficult. While NC, he was relieved to regain the inner peace and his freedom to focus on his family and his own things. All the more I must live well.

      Anna, yes I’ve had more days of ruminating and obsessing less; days of feeling strong and acceptance. I’ve no choice, he refused to fall in love with me the way I wanted. Letting go is painful but hanging on is worse.

      Xxx, yes I think you are right about me wanting something out of reach or doesn’t belong to me and taking my H for granted. He’s treating me badly like a convenient store, coming and going as he wished, from sexting to how are you, have a nice day, hope work is smooth etc. I flared up each time I returned and received such desultory text.

      Anyway… at this instant, it is a bad moment whereby I am wondering is he thinking of me? Has he moved on to new prey? Has he slept with his W? Why there is no missed call at my desk? Is he not ever going to reach out? How could he not be curious if I’m sick or alive? What is the truth? Truth about his marriage, about rumors I heard abt him flirting with female colleagues commenting on their profile pic and how he liked them in that clothes and pose. Who to believe when he assured me he has no interest and it was nothing. He’s frustrated and drained about assuring me so in the end, he said I was possessive and insecure. Truth about why he started to drift away.

      I’m feeling lousy and a missed call from him is all I need to boost my ego.

      • Hayley

        Nomad – you do not want or need a missed call from him to boost your ego! You may think you do (been there!) ! I’ll tell you what would happen you will experience a few seconds of satisfaction but then what?? The whole ‘what did he want’ ‘should I call him back’ the turmoil starts all over again!!
        It’s actually easier when they don’t contact you.
        Take care of yourself.. boost your own ego..do things for you.. leave him for dust.. then when you’ve healed and you do get that missed call you’ll laugh, think ‘what a loser’ and delete.
        Trust me you do not want or need that missed call and if it helps… he hasn’t had a missed call from you either! Ha!! Boom!!!
        Stay strong lady.

      • Leigh ann

        Nomad you are doing great. 7 weeks is a huge accomplishment. If he did move on to another lover why would you want him. He’s just a serial cheater and you want to be with someone who makes you number 1. Today is hard but tomorrow will be better and every day after that. The ego boost is that you are gaining your dignity back and you aren’t mired up with some a*^hole who makes you feel lousy! I too wish my mm would come back to me some days but really to what end? Only to have him once again leave me? I am dating now and who knows where things go but I know I have the chance to find someone who will be mine only and I don’t have to share. Stay strong! 😊

        • Jules

          Right on Leigh Ann!
          Well said. I don’t want that lying cheating a**hole anymore. I deserve better than a manipulative malignant narcissist.
          My ex boy is a chronic cheater, without any remorse. He has a sense of entitlement like I have never seen.

          I realize now that he is a misogynist. No question in my mind.

      • Tricia

        Hi’ Normad I hope your feeling better . Well it been since Oct 15 I last saw my Ex Mm and last month I broke contact to tell him how disappointed and hurt I was ( like he really cared ) ! I remember the first time we went NC 1 week and at that time I really didn’t care because my father was sick so I had no time anyway but the longest was almost 2 yrs ! Somewhere in between I knew this was not right but I chalked it up as ( Ok he married ) . But each time I was really hurt and felt used and sometimes rejected by his actions. I don’t think he coming back sometimes I think he got another lover ? I used to see him when I paid my rent not anymore he used to call me his little Buttercup and pudding now I don’t exist anymore . It ashame how quickly they forget about you not even a phone call nor text I feel abandoned my self esteem really took a hit . But I’m Ok I manage just well he always in the back of my mind . I tell I what I will never deal with a Married Man again ‘!! Ladies Try And Stay Postitive .

      • Xxx

        Hi Nomad,
        The last sentence says it all – just a missed call would boost your ego. I get the part you were very possessive and he had to assure you he was there and he would be there, something like BPD. Maybe you could talk to a psychotherapist to go easier through this? These relationships are toxic, i read somewhere that different people awaken different beasts in you. I also read a nice sentence, that when two people are fighting on the opposite sides of a relationship, that is not love but is toxic.

  • anonynmous38

    HI Ladies, its been a little while since Ive posted, so here’s an update…My mm and I have been on and off for about 3 years.
    For the pass couple months its been great, Amazing actually….My love for him as gotten deeper and more intense, but apart of me is ready to let go and move on…I realized that the things I do for him are things I should be doing for my own husband, i enjoy doing them because I love him and it makes him happy. At the same time I feel like Im giving to much of myself, and the relationship is a dead end….Today I was planning on breaking up with him because I don’t want to be in a “relationship” with him for the rest of the year….But yesterday he got into a bad accident, he’s okay, but I know he’s going through some mental distress…Apart of me was hurt cuz I cant be there for him the way I would like to, so I sent him some money to help with repairing his car…I just want him to know how much I love and care for him…

    How do I breakup with him now? Does he need me? Will this incident make him end things with me? Yes Im doing a bit of overthinking…lol..

    We shall see what takes place in the coming days…I will keep you all updated…

    P.S. if you all would like to know the things Ive been doing for him these pass couple months, shoot me an email at KLNOP7756@gmail.com

  • Nomad

    Really? Will things be better? 30 days of NC and I wish I could fast forward one year to prove that I’ve let go and moved on, I’ve attained indifference.

    (my record was 90 days and he unblocked and reached out just to make me sadder and then I cut him off, this has repeated shamelessly countless times over 2yrs, we were so in love and addicted together for one good year)

    I’ve turned into a masochist, how do I know? It feels abnormal not to feel the pain. I’m taking one day at a time. If he’s not coming back after 30days, please don’t ever come back. Let “this time” be the final one. I don’t ever want to know what have distracted you, what have you don, how did you live etc. to get by the NC. Is their marriage happier now? Did he find someone new? I’m overthinking in anxiety again but I’ll not reach out.

    • Erica

      How did you let go my marry man and I we met in college dated lost touch h for over 18 years had kids married someone else both live with spouses miserable but have small kids do not want to divorce so we don’t share our kids but we just cannot let go of each other and I do not want to feel like a cheater I need to let go how do I do it??? Help??

      • Tricia

        Hi’ Erica . I think the affair ends when it’s run it’s course and the relationship slowly dies or fade . Or when the married man get bored or tired or the we the “ OW” get really truly just plain tired of the whole situation of the affair . And it then over but as long as there are feeling there always a chance it start again that when NC is need all times it’s hard but can done and things do get better .

      • Riya

        Hi Erica, your situation is eerily similar to mine. Difference being we have been already NC for a few months now. He walked off from it unscathed as if it he was dismissing a fly on the wall. The worst part of it was we were friends for a really long before the relationship began and now every thing we ever had seems such a lie. I agree with Tricia that the affair runs its course and mine ended when his realization kicked in. It was very painful at the beginning, anxiety, depression, a lot of tears. But now the tears are fewer but there are difficult days for sure, like other women here , I too still hope and look for any communication from him which I know is madness. I wish there was a magic pill to help solve. But just taking it one day at a time and looking at the bright side of whatever I can. It sure does take a lot of will power to stay NC and have broken it several times only to feel dejected. I wish you the best in figuring out the road ahead.

        • Erica

          Thanks for sharing I tried so hard to let go but it is very hard and on top of all to have such a tough marriage and know that I can have some peace with him it is hard but I will definitely try thank you!!

    • Leigh ann

      Hi Nomad. I totally get your anxiety I feel exactly the same way. I want the pain to stop as well and I feel the anxiety of what if he contacts me. What has he done in the last 9 weeks that made it so easy for him to not talk to me while I was left in tears. The pain is starting to fade now. I am dating again and have met a single guy that I can go in public with and not hide and have the possibility of building an honest relationship. I found myself really enjoying his company and not thinking about my mm. I hope that this will continue and the tears will finally stop flowing. I will not reach out to my mm for the fear of rejection or the fear of having it all start over again only to have it end the same way. You will make it you have made 30 days that’s huge! Stay strong and know you deserve to have someone make you their number 1 and not be a side chick that gets only crumbs and BS! Good vibes 😊

    • Anna

      You need to block him and leave him blocked. NC isn’t enough he has to stay blocked. This is trauma bonding. Your brain is experiencing peptide addiction. If you leave him blocked you will get past it eventually. It is not an easy process but you will move through it. You will have a lot of hard days and mixed in with some good days, healing is not a straightforward process. I still look at my phone and wonder if my mm will reappear and I think part of me always will. But I feel so much better and can go out and live life now. I do feel much happier even though I think of him often. You can get through this. I promise.

      • Red

        Thanks for the words of wisdom guys. I haven’t been strong enough to go NC with him… I’ve asked him to block me but he won’t so now I’m lashing out at him saying nasty things hoping that I’ll be able to push him away.. The thing is thought, he’s not going anywhere, in fact he showed up at my house after his shift last night (he’s a police officer) saying that he needed to see me because I was confusing him. I reiterated that I needed him to leave me alone and instead I get told how much he cares about me bla bla bla. He ended up staying the night and part of me liked having him here because I’m sick atm and it’s nice to have someone look after me but I was watching him sleep in my bed and was wishing he’d just leave. It’s three steps forward and one step backwards but the realisation that I wanted him to go gave me hope that I’m getting stronger. And there’s been NC since he left this morning. I want to message him but I won’t.. Argh!!

    • anna

      Just keep taking one day at a time. Try not to go back to the past or think about the future too much. I know it’s hard because I mess up with this a lot too – but do TRY. Meditation helps with this a lot. I do a 10 minute morning meditation that helps. Make it a habit to keep yourself centered and in the present moment. You said yourself that you are addicted to the feelings he has caused inside of you. You think you want him back but it’s really just your body wanting a fix of those same chemicals. You can’t possibly want to feel pain in your heart because no human being wants to be in pain. This is an addiction and you can get past it with self care and self love. Stay strong, one day at a time!

  • Red

    I’ve been seeing a man for eight months and only discovered he was married last weekend. I tried to break it off but I keep going back to him day after day. We originally started off as fwb and crossed the boundaries and now that I know he’s married he’s telling me that he cares for me and that he doesn’t want things to change. I know he’s telling me what I want to hear. And I don’t want him to leave his wife, I don’t want a relationship with him or with any guy but I’m so confused.. It’s that internal struggle of knowing I should end it but wanting it to keep going. I’m tired to checking my phone every ten minutes and hanging off his every word. I miss him but I didn’t really know him.
    I hate this, I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off.

    • Cassi

      Take control of your emotions and do what you know is right.
      Easier said than done… I was with my mm for more than a year and while I have wonderful memories of him, I wish I would have never come back to him time after time. It’s a waste of time, really, and draining. Like you, I also didn’t want to be with him. I was even rooting for him and his wife, but I became more attached and eventually started to imagine a future with him. I’m still recuperating from the heartbreak. Not only do I not have him, but the future I wanted with him is gone too. Don’t let yourself get to that point.

      Get off of that little hamster wheel. It’s a viscous cycle that isn’t going to bring you all of the happiness that you deserve.
      So… better to make the hard decision now (cutting him off). You’ll be sad for a little while, but things will get better. OR make the “easy” decision now and suffer more down the road.

      • Jules

        Cassi,

        You are absolutely 100% correct!
        My assessment exactly! Everything you said. Truth. Red listen to her. Get out before you are in too deep. Don’t waste your life on someone else’s husband. Your self esteem will silently erode with each passing day that you love him more and more. You won’t even know it is happening until months/years later you wake up in despair. These men are very emotionally I’ll and they are bringing us down with them.
        During my time with my mm, I think back on how I was and I do not recognize myself. I lost me.
        I was digging my own grave. Get out before you are in too deep.

        I love my mm still. The last time I spoke to him I said, “we have to accept that we met each other at the wrong time in this life. Too much has happened to this point. Bottom line we cannot be together. See you in my next life.”

        Now, I regret saying that. I hope I never meet that malignant narcissist in any life.

        Please save yourself Red.

        Hugs and love to all of the survivors of loving a mm.
        Jules

  • loise

    hi.all my mm has just told me its over btw us and he doesnt want anything to do with me coz i got sick of UTI after sleeping with him on monday..he says am a cheat and a lair and that i had other guys out there am sad.lost i reajly love him with everything i have and i just need him av called him texted him bt nting..i dnt deverve this am sad broken bt his .happy with his family and i really hate that..

  • Leigh ann

    Hi everyone. I hope you are all on the road to healing. I haven’t posted in a while. I have been keeping busy and going out and I have met someone. We are in the very early stages of dating but it’s a start. My heart still has pain for my mm but he can’t offer me what I want and that’s a real loving and trusting relationship. I finally feel free to actually find it. I still think about him every day and hope that he is doing ok. Part of me still hopes he will reappear at some point but I am moving on. I feel very lucky that I have such a great life and I can’t let him or this situation take any more from me. It’s been 9 weeks now since I last had contact with me and healing has come slowly but it’s starting. I have some really great days now and the fact that I am able to at least try dating again is a huge step in the right direction. I hope you are all healing and are able to untangle yourselves from these men. Good vibes to everyone 😊

    • Nomad

      Hi Leigh Ann… I’m new on this thread. I’ve marked 30 days of NC since 26 Feb. The record was 90days last Sep to Nov. We’ve done NC countless times since Jun 2017. I’m always the one who executed NC because he makes me sad. His desultory texts like have a nice day, hope your day was great, how are you etc. made me sad. His withdrawal, his crumbs and his guilt made me sad.

      Our high was May 2016 till May 2017 when everything about the fantasy seemed real. Reality sank in and he started to fade away. Each time I made up my mind to quit the addiction, he’d reached out. But in 2018, we could NC on
      most months. I still think of him everyday. My ego held me back from settling for crumbs and becoming his convenience store, coming and going as he wished.

      I’m married and my marriage is fine. I’ve experienced the most romantic love with mm. The worst is over for me. But I am still hoping he’d reach out.

      How would I know if he’s ever going to return. I’ve 3 friends who knew abt this and said he’ll be back but warned that nothing is going to change. The affair is technically dead – stopped growing since I first sensed his withdrawal in Jun 2017.

      I miss him… how do you know if your mm will be back after 30-90days if nc? Has he found a new lover? Has he rekindled with his W? The biggest deal breaker is I cannot trust him. I cannot believe his assurance and his action spoke otherwise that he still wanted me ENOUGH.

      I’ve done all that I could to let go and move on and cut him dead from my life… I’m here to hear about success stories to quit an affair. Will I ever heal and appreciate the mundane in my daily life without mm? Not that I’ve much choices. He simply refused to give me attention and affection, or any reasons to stay.

      • Leigh ann

        Hi Nomad. This is the first time I have gone NC and it’s been so difficult sometimes. I want to reach out and talk to him but I know it would be the worst thing I could do. You have broken your NC only to go back to crumbs. If your marriage is fine try to invest time in that and make it stronger a married man is just a dead end. Would you really want him to leave his wife for you? It will cause so many people to hurt, his wife his children, your husband and your family. And could you ever trust if he was with you that he could be faithful to you? I don’t know if my mm has found someone else or if he’s trying to work it out with his wife. My guess is that he still just not happy and will just cheat again. I feel sorry for her. You can heal from this. I’m not married and I am dating again and I can look at myself in the mirror and not feel guilt and shame for sleeping with someone else’s husband. It takes time but it will get better. Stay strong 💪🏻

        • Nomad

          Leigh Ann

          I remember when we nc for the first few times (Jun 2017), 3 days was impossible, he’d pursue desperately and I’d cave in. Then from 3 days to 1 week and then two, then 1 month (Nov 2017), then stretched to record of 90days (sep to nov 2018). Absence doesn’t make heart grow fonder. They fade addiction. Time and space makes you realize you’ve no choice but to live and work and eat and sleep as much as you can. They forced you to wake up and see the reality. One day at a time. Now I’m still counting days but I can eat, work, and sleep. I don’t break down and cry suddenly. Jun-dec 2017 was my rock bottom whereby I was counting hours, suffered from insomnia and totally lost myself.

          It’s your first attempt, you did amazingly well! Do you think he’ll be back? Mine was back many times but each time causing more damage. He couldn’t give me what I want. He didn’t love me enough. We never wanted to leave our spouse.

          You are a strong girl and you inspire me.

          I found out he just unblocked me.

          • Heartbroken

            Nomad, your situation is exactly the same as mine. Before he couldn’t handle a couple days of NC. He would go crazy and not leave me alone. Now it doesn’t seem to matter anymore. It’s a sign that we are coming to an end.

            It’s sad because our time together was wonderful. And same as you, we didn’t want to leave our spouses and he didn’t love me enough to hang in there with me.

          • Leigh ann

            Hi Nomad
            I’m not sure if he will be back. I can’t lie there is a huge part of me that wishes he would be. Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I cried most of it because this was the time we would have been together. I read the messages he sent me and truthfully he was trying to spare my feelings. He said I deserve someone who could be there more than a few days a month. He said I always made him feel loved wanted and safe. From what I know he only had 1 girlfriend before he met his wife. I think when he met her he thought he better keep her in case no one else comes along. I don’t think she has ever been able to make him feel the way I did. It was beyond the whole sexual thing. But he’s stuck…. he’s got a family with her, multiple businesses, real estate and of course the whole family image he has to keep up. He told me he always felt a pain inside he couldn’t explain. I used to think it was guilt now I think it’s being stuck somewhere he didn’t want to be. I don’t think he’s happy with his life at all. But he has to figure it out without me making it easier. I miss him every day and I think about him every day. But I know I have to keep moving forward. If he reaches out to me I don’t know what I will do. But I know I just have to stay strong and make my life the best it can be. This group has certainly helped when I was feeling my worst. It helps knowing others are feeling the same sadness and pain and I’m not alone in this journey. 😊

      • Tricia

        Hi’ Normad . Oh u sound just like me talking about my Ex Mm it’s been almost 5 months for me I do think he calls me anonymous thou because he know he messed up with me ! Anyway I guess each man is different and it depend on how long they know they can keep us out there before we start thinking of dating again and moving on with our life and they probably try to come back with they sorry ass !! Yeah I’m doing much better and I’m flirting again and men are noticing me again ! As time goes on U will to feel better about yourself and will probably always be in the back of your mind but affairs have a slow deaf too them and what we shared with them is not real to them that’s why they disappear and ghost us . We all need to let these married go as bad as it hurts us they are dead end relationship and we all deserve so much more then a halfed ass man !!! With a expiration date ! I’m sorry u are hurting but U are not alone in the struggle ! Much love ladies .

  • Cassi

    I became involved with an mm nine years older than me (I’m 25), about two years ago and “ended’ the relationship just last month.

    I knew him since I was in elementary. We didn’t talk back then, but our families knew each other well and he would come over to my neighbor’s house, so I would always see him. I knew he was married (8 years) when I saw his friend request pop up on my social media, but I didn’t see anything wrong with adding him back. After all, it’s not like one forms a close friendship with anyone and everyone on social media.

    We would comment on each others posts every now and then. Eventually, we started having small conversations. Those conversations became long, dragging from one day to the next and before we knew it- we had become really good friends… This happened for months, even though I tried cutting him off early on. I didn’t want either of us to end up developing feelings for the other and I knew his marriage was going through a rough time. I was afraid of becoming his emotional dependency. But every time I would say good bye, I felt like I was abandoning my friend, so I would let him right back into my life.

    A few months after being in constant communication, we decided to meet up for lunch. He went on a two-week long trip with his wife a few weeks later. I missed him, but I was happy for both of them. I thought they would fall back in love with each other… they didn’t. There was more tension between them. I know marriage takes two people to work, but I never knew her. I only knew him and he was wonderful to me, so I assumed she was the one at fault. Plus, some of the things she would say and do were so mean.

    Fast forward… we both fell for each other. We would talk every day and see each other almost every week.

    I was so happy when I was with him. He was funny, smart, hard-working and knew so much about the world. He was so different from my other guy friends… but guilt never left me. I was raised better. I respected myself and others. I believed in marriage being a sacred union yet I had become the side chick. He and I would argue a lot because of how I felt about our relationship. I loved him and had promised him from the beginning that I would never leave him just like he never left me when I was going through some dark times, but I also didn’t want to keep doing things wrong. I would think a lot about his wife too… how much I envied her. I was heartbroken every single day thinking about how he went home to her and not me. But I would also feel bad for her. I would put myself in her shoes and think about how I would feel if my spouse was cheating on me. I ended things between us so many times, but again- I would take him right back when he would message me telling me how much he missed me and how I was his true love, not her.

    I thought about her less and less as the time went by and was happy that I was able to have even a piece of him in my life, but we still had other problems as we became more involved in the relationship.

    He guilted me into getting rid of my guy friends. He monitored my IG and would get mad if another guy commented because he assumed that I was talking with them. He would even get mad whenever I would mention having a conversation with any man on the street or at work because he just “knew that I was flirting”. According to him, I needed to gain his trust (because of something I had previously done) and that if I really loved him, then I didn’t need anyone else, but him. Yet… he would never get rid of two of his girl friends that I knew wanted to sleep with him and who I asked him to get rid off on several occasions.

    I kept my closest guy friends and always told him that he didn’t have a right to dictate who my friends were especially since we weren’t fully committed to each other. He would justify his jealousy by saying that he didn’t want anyone to take me away from him, that I was only his. I believed him and I loved him and wanted him. We talked about forming a future together… where we would live, how many kids we would have. “You don’t have to work. I’ll take care of you”, he would say. I wanted that future, but it didn’t seem real and I knew the cost of it… being shunned from my church, family and friends. I don’t think we would have ever been truly happy.

    Things escalated towards the end. I was ready to end things once and for all with him (after one entire year). I didn’t want to start 2019 as the “other woman” and reasoned that he had enough time to end things with his spouse if he really wanted to be with me. He told me that he would end things with her, but ONLY if I told him and could prove to him that I would stick by his side throughout the whole divorce process. I basically told him that I wouldn’t, but that we could meet again once it was all over. I was tired of lying to everyone just to be with him and didn’t want to risk being the side chick for an even longer amount of time. Needless to say, he wasn’t happy. I do believe that I did right, but if I really loved him, then shouldn’t I have stayed by his side?

    The guilt became too much and I ended up confessing my wrongdoings at church. He was then contacted and instructed to confess to his wife. Again… I know I did right, but I told him that I would never throw him under the bus and I feel like I did just that…
    He wasn’t mad at me for giving his name though. He was mad at more for not staying with him.

    His wife told him that she was going to file for divorce and he asked me to leave with him so that we could start over together, but I said no because until the divorce is finalized he’s still married and again- I didn’t want to keep doing things wrong. I also think that had we left together, we wouldn’t ever come back to our families and I love my family. I can’t see myself saying goodbye to them after everything that they’ve done for me. Plus, if and when I do have kids in the future, I would like for them to be raised around a loving family. So in short, I love him VERY MUCH, but it didn’t feel right to leave everything and everyone behind just to be together. It’ selfish and I didn’t see anything good coming from it. We stopped talking after that.

    I started to focus on myself… work, college classes, hobbies, studying the bible so that I can build up my morals again, even took up music lessons, but I still miss him. I reached out to him a few weeks ago because I started to feel that if I really did love him, then I WOULD stay by his side NO MATTER what. I wanted to be there for him… he hasn’t replied, so now I don’t know what to think. I understand that maybe he’s not replying because I’ve hurt him too much, but if he really did love me and wanted to be with me, wouldn’t he have answered already?

    Part of me thinks that he and his wife are trying to work things out, which is great, even if that means that I won’t have him, but if that’s the case- it would be nice for him to tell me, especially considering the fact that we’ve always had a very open communication. And then the other part of me thinks that this is some sort of novel with a happy ending…. that maybe he’s not answering me right now, but since he hasn’t blocked me (which he had done in the past) then it must mean that that he still feels something and that one day we’ll be together again. (I know… so dumb)

    I’m thinking about completely deactivating my social media account. I know that it’s not healthy for me to be waiting to hear back from him, much less be constantly checking to see if he has. I need to move on and yet I think – what if?

    I am doing pretty good though, I think. I try to keep myself buy and am focusing on myself. I know that things will get better with time and that I’ll come back stronger from this…. just need to learn to let go of him completely.

    • Xxx

      Hi Cassi,
      I read your long story. 😊 I am not sure what your mm is doing right now regarding his marriage, could be that the wife was convinced or loved him to take him back. The fact that he has not replied you yet, reminds me on the “silent treatment” that narcissists do in order to “punish” their so called victims. You could have caused him a “narcissistic injury” by not doing as he wanted you to do. So be vague of when he contacts you in future, and he will. Another thing, your mm was very controlling of you and that is more important red flag that you deal with a narcissist. I am not sure what that would bring you in future, but even if he divorces and you go back together things could be worse. Besides, you have seen his behavior with his wife for real. I wish you to stop thinking of him and keep on doing well without him. Don’t feel guilt for choosing self-respect and your moral values over him. That is something you should be proud for. Good luck to you.

      • Hayley

        Xxx – wow!! What you’ve just said.. right there!!!
        I’ve been going around in circles lately with my MM but I’ve pulled back a lot.. he’s still been contacting me daily but I never initiate. Anyway he said he would see if he could join me for a dog walk at the weekend but he never showed up and text me 2 hours later apologising. For me this is the final nail.. he must have known I wasn’t happy as he’s left it until today to message me and I called him out on it.. and guess what he’s not replied!! So your comment about ‘causing narcissist injury’ is so spot on.. this is exactly what they are and what they do!
        For me I’ve been done for a while and was planning to have a final talk on the walk anyway maybe he knew and that’s why he didn’t show. Either way it’s disrepectful and I wouldn’t accept it from anyone.. he could have let me know beforehand so I’ve stood up for myself, shown my standard, told him he doesn’t value me or my time and boom.. Casper the ghost strikes again.. couldn’t care less anymore to be honest but your comment came bang on time.. I was shouting ‘yes yes that’s exactly what it is’
        So thank you.. and the NC train starts yet again. I’m getting tired of it myself now, it’s boring me.. just need the strength to actually ‘block’..
        maybe one day eh!

        • Xxx

          Yes, Hayley, that is the common pattern of most mm I assume. They get excitement of doing something and not getting caught, no guilt nor remorse. And I guess that they are aware of us seeing their BS and standing up to them, so they even feel less guilty about it. Quite honestly I think they take us as less intelligent because they give priority to their brain and pe…s rather than emotions like us. I have met an overt narcissist recently, a single guy, (who is easier to spot than my covert ex mm) and I immediately stood up to his BS. I got silent treatments repeatedly, was ghosted and hoovered back twice because I was like, no, I could not have possibly atracted another narcissist just after I got rid of the devil!!! I hope to take red flags more importantly in the future and not ignore them. Im obviously easy to be a target of narcissists but am also easier to tell them to f..k off when I notice it! 😄 Hope you stay away from that prick even without blocking him. I blocked my mm because he treatened me and did not want that he reminds me on his existence anymore..

  • Tricia

    Hi’ Healed Now . I’m so glad your on the right path and found some peace in your life being with a married man has a devastating affect on your self esteem . I want to say I’m healed too but I’m just say I’m Ok feeling are still there but I’m survived !!! I hope U continue to find the Joy in your life . Also Xxx I’m glad your Ok too we all have struggled to get over these toxic affairs . Continue to find your Happy Place !!! Much love ladies .

    • Xxx

      Thank you Tricia. I hope you will very soon be saying that you feel awesome without the mm and not just ok. But you are already doing great and giving a lot of nice support to everyone here. Thank you for that ❤

      • Judy

        I’m so glad to have found this site. The words in the articles and emotion filled comments have what I’ve longed to hear. Direction….along with “im not alone”….not that i wish anyone to feel this pain, but i know you know what i mean.

        I don’t even know what i want to say other than I’m so broken. Each and every conversation/meeting i loose more and more of myself.

        I just sent a message saying we had to STOP! I was dying a slow death…..emotionally. This is NOT what life and love is supposed to be. 😔😢

  • Former pieces, healed now

    Hi all, I just wanted to give an update about my situation and I really hope that it will help many of you. I was seeing this mm for almost three years, we broke up several times for a month or two, classic story with loads of hurt and joy and disappointment. We were addicted to each other, thinking that we are the ultimate match etc… I broke it off for good more than 4 months ago when he again decided not to leave his wife and kids for me which is fair enough tbh.. and I am actually happier than ever. Over this affair I have been depressed and I wasn’t even aware of it. My friends were telling me that I wasn’t happy and I would get defensive each time but they were so right!
    After I broke up with him I did some digging in social media and asking common friends about his situation and it put me off a lot seeing what an a**hole he is! In the back of my mind I have always known that he is a liar but I just denied it because of the “love” I felt. I’m not saying that it’s easy at all, I have to force myself sometimes not to answer his calls and not to react when he is trying to tell me about getting a new job in my city. Ladies, write a list of situations you were disappointed about your married lover and that might help you see clearer.
    I’m free, happy, moving on with my career because I’m not focusing on licking my wounds he caused and pleasing him in the meantime.. I started dating, had disappointments and amazing things happening to me but this is life. Finally I got MY life back. Good luck to you all.

    • Xxx

      Exactly! That helped me the most – to write down the phases of that so called relationship and notice exactly the same pattern of him disappearing and reappearing. After the initial shock and disbelief, I had a lot of tears with a lot of wine and sad music. Then came the acceptance that there are people who are liars and manipulators, and my mm was my worst enemy. Then I again did some crying, no contact, dating, partying, working, enjoying myself and now I never wish to speak with him again. Don’t even care where he is about. In the beginning of no contact my confidence was down, but now it is higher than ever before because I just stopped giving a f..k about pleasing others for instance. It is all about my needs first now. This is a great update, I completely agree!

      • Jules

        XXX,
        Thank you for sharing. It’s amazing how quickly they drop us. I like your definition of “so called relationship”. So true in my case.
        What a joke.

        I am doing much better. I need to just keep moving forward.

        • Xxx

          Jules, they’d dropped us long ago before we realized it. That was the most difficult part to accept. And they kept us hooked and in belief that we are not “the crazy wife” so we did everything possible to keep that nice picture of us being their saviours because, poor them, they were trapped in their marriage. When I came to this site I was hoping the most to read some story of OW replacing the wife and that my struggle wasn’t worthless. There was not even one example, except the lady recently saying that it happened to her and it turned out to be a nightmare. She wanted to break free..😅 I honestly hope she did and that all of the ladies will. Im glad you are doing much better, keep going! 💪

        • Nomad

          Hi Harley, did you have the feeling that “this time” this is it, he’ll not be back when he withdrew or when you cut him off? Or you somehow know that he’ll be back though the NC could last months? (I posted my little background yesterday in reply to Leigh Ann)

          Our last exchange was on 26 Feb (30 days already) whereby I was “harsh” and firm and rational telling him I’m better off without him, I could achieve much more when I made conscious effort to quit addiction. He wasn’t there whenever I needed him and our relationship has been dwindling to natural death since Jun 2017. Technically we stopped growing as he knows nothing about me when communication is one way and desultory. He said we were supposed to uplift each other and asked why can’t we continue in a milder manner? (i.e. at his convenience and on his terms). I told him I don’t want us, I’m sick of this vicious cycle having to deal with jealousy, anxiety, insecurity and his guilt, not knowing when his next desultory message would appear. Like many typical affairs, we could text hours anytime and anywhere, I was convinced I was his priority and we would meet at least 2x a wk especially on fri to fuel me through weekends. Fast forward 2yrs later, a good morning and have a nice day text once every other day, no more miss you love you as if he’s so afraid to get caught, meeting was reduced to 2hrs a month and at times when I drowned and numbed myself at work 7 days a week, I could forget his existence thinking I’ve healed. But I still think of him in pockets of time whenever Im alone.

          We nc whole of last jun, aug to nov, a one liner text in dec, other months were agonizing dealing with “breakups” and forcing myself to let go and move on. Work suffered. Family neglected. Avoided my H. Each time thinking this was it, he’s never returning but he did.

          This time I think this is it after I told him enough is enough, I’m better off, he makes me sad, I do not trust him and believe his words. This is draining and mentally torturing. It’s over! I refuse to settle for less so please be kind, stop reaching out and set us free. Don’t be back because he’s bored or his W repulses. Or he was rejected by whoever he has preyed on. Well, all these lines were not new so I’ve lost my credibility. But each time it worked a little, he’s adapting to nc. I found out 2 Saturday ago that he blocked me from WhatsApp. All along. I’m always blocking him and he would reach out through my office phone no or email.

          I just want to know, will he be back, only god knows? He knows? Anyone has same experience of wondering is this it?

          • Anna

            Hi Nomad,
            I think I’m going through that now. I have been nc for over a month. Our communication had become very desultory prior to the bc and I knew it was a losing relationship, I knew what I needed to do, he did too but we were both so addicted. We are now nc and I am starting to feel better but I do still think of him every day and wonder if he will reappear in my life. I’ve heard about the final discard and wonder if this is it and if I’ll never hear from him again and it makes me sad but I’m moving on. We had horrible timing and he treated me poorly and it brought out the worst in me toward the end. I will always love him but I know that I’m better off.

      • Jules

        Xxx,

        I agree. We were dropped before we even realized it. On second thought, I wasnt dropped because I never had him. You cannot lose what you never had.

        He was always someone else’s husband.

    • anna

      This is a great update! I have started writing things down and I keep it in my phone so I can look at it often. I had a huge tendency to romanticize our affair. Writing down the facts has helped me stop romanticizing and keeps me strong. The affair had me so addicted and depressed. I had friends and my grown daughter try to talk to me but I would make excuses and think I was the only one who could possibly understand “our situation”. I really feel like I am coming out of a fog. I am starting to perform better at work and I am going to start to put myself out there too. I still think about him all the time and am jumping around the grieving stages but I know that it’s getting better. Stay strong ladies.

  • Jenks

    My situation sounds similar to some on here. My mm is 10 years older, married w 2 kids. He is also my boss. I figured out within the first month of working there that he was attracted to me but I thought it was innocent. I had never dated a mm and never intended to. He is attractive, successful and a very kind, generous person. Over the next few months the flirting was nonstop along w texting constantly. I never asked about his marriage and he never talked about it. After we hooked up a couple times he ghosted me. While still being my boss, he stopped talking to me altogether. My job responsibilities changed and he treated me awful. Finally, after 3 months of feeling devastated and rejected I called him out on his behavior. He said that he’s never had an affair and never wanted to, he also never wanted to get a divorce but his marriage had been an unhappy for 5 years. He said he really strong feelings for me and had to pull to back. He doesn’t know if they’ll separate. That conversation happened a month ago. No one in my life knows about this. I am completely alone for the first time (my roommate of 7 years moved out 5 months ago) I’m having a really difficult time moving on. I know I should look for another job but I don’t want to. This job has everything I’ve ever wanted in a place of employment. I left a firm I was at for 5 years and loved the working environment but I needed higher pay. I don’t know what to do. Clearly he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore and I think he feels like I should just be over it already. I feel like I should be as well but I’m not. I feel selfish for not feeling guilty. I’ve never been this confused.

    • Tricia

      Hi’Jenks . I feel U my Ex Mm went MIA too it’s been almost 5 months and he never called I did too reached out because I was so hurt . Today just one of those days where I miss him sometimes I wish I could be his wife just so I can be with him properly. Sitting here thinking how could he just walk away so easy and I seem not to find one man I’m interesting in !!! And should be over this affair !! Some days I’m so good in my thoughts but today different story U are so not alone I’m so sorry your married man ghosted you it really hurts when they just up and leave I deleted my Ex Mm number so I wouldn’t be tempted. Anyway I’m just reminiscing. Stay Strong and Good Positive Vibes!!!

  • Jules

    Hi Sage,
    I grew up with emotionally distant parents as well.
    I think my mm and I were addicted to each other. It was withdrawal when we went nc.
    This was my 1st experience with a mm. He has had multiple infidelities for over 15 yrs, cheating on his wife.
    He claims that I was different. He says that he actually loved me. He claims to be unfulfilled in his marriage, unhappy for many years.
    After almost 2 months of nc I now can see the significance of his words during the time we were together.
    “You are going to leave me” “please don’t leave me, we can make this work!”
    At the time, I didn’t understand why he kept saying that. We were having a great time together. Looking back now , it makes sense. His years of experience with cheating on his wife predicted the trajectory of our relstionship.
    Now I understand.
    He is very selfish and I sometimes get angry thinking back. Am I a grown woman who is responsibile for my own choices? yes. This is the rationale that he uses to wipe his sociopath narcissistic hands clean of his own responsibility in past infidelities and no doubt, our relationship as well.
    Still, in my mind, he is not absolved from his choice to knowingly hijack other people’s lives through manipulation, in order to make his poor life choices more tolorable.
    I have deep feelings for him still, but I need to understand why I have those feelings for someone who threw me scraps and expected me to be only with him. He insisted that my mind , heart and body be only for him as I waited in the shadows for our next encounter.
    That is not love.
    Jules

    • YSENIA

      I knew my MM since college we reconnected heis married I am married always wondering what had happened to both of us or was like we had never stop loving each other but we can but have a relationship I love my kids and mt hubby is great and he said the first rinecww were together he would never leave his wife because he would not share his kids I just need to let go!!!

  • Hayley

    Crikey ladies what is going on!! My MM has been coming on strong again simply because I’ve been backing off big time.. I’m tired of the situation but I do struggle to ignore his texts however I have been very short with him.. this seems to egg him on even more tho! He wanted to meet me last week first time ever I refused.. he wants me to climb a mountain in summer with him cause his wife won’t, i rejected this offer. Every night when she’s gone bed I get the ‘what are you up too’ text. I don’t want to chat to him hardly anymore.. running out of things to say to him. I can feel my feelings towards him changing.. his texts are annoying me now to the point where the other night I was rolling my eyes.. the next morning I gets a ‘what’s up with you text’ and I just thought I’ve HAD ENOUGH so I did something I’ve never done in all these years and replied with
    ‘Leave her’ and guess what? I’ve not heard from him since. Haha do I feel regretful for sending it? No at all.. it’s the first time I’ve ever said anything like that and I’m proud of myself for standing up to him.. cause he should leave her or leave me the hell alone and he wasn’t getting the message! I don’t feel sad. For the first time ever I feel happy.. I’m pretty sure he will be back when he realises I don’t care and I’m not chasing him.. but at least he finally knows I mean business either way! And no I’m not sitting here hoping he will leave her behind the scenes. I know he won’t, they never do. I’m not that naive luckily but it feels good to finally say it!! Take the power back over these sad men.. we are so much better than these losers. I have no more tears to cry over this assclown!
    Much love to you all.. onwards and upwards. I can now enjoy my evenings in peace.. every cloud.

  • Anna

    I have never felt the resolve I do today to be done with this situation. His wife sent me two emails last night. She wanted to know details about us and if there were others. I told her she needed to ask him and that I had blocked him. She must have told him that I blocked him because another email came later and he was evidently smearing me. She was calling me names and going nuts. It was the last straw and I went completely off and I told her to stop contacting me. I told her she needs to look at him, but if they want to continue majing each other miserable for the rest of their lives I couldn’t care less. They are both pathetic. Now they are both blocked and I am done. I truly hope that he will get the help he needs (I say this genuinely). And that I can find the happiness that I need. I feel a new resolve to move forward in faith. I have blocked his from contacting me in any way and I am starting to delete emails that I may be tempted to look at. I have never been in this place before and it is a new feeling. I have always either been with him, heartbroken or sad over him. I feel completely different. I just want to say to everyone here that if it wasn’t for this place I couldn’t have done this. I don’t know what would have happened to me. It was so unhealthy. And I don’t know who it was who said he was never my friend but it was so true. There’s a small part of me that hopes he will figure it all out and apologize to me for the wrong he did but I don’t expect it to happen. And I have to focus on myself and not wait for an apology that may never come. Good vibes going out to all.

  • Bells Paws

    Oh ladies! We who loved so reservedly and so wholeheartedly, I certainly did . I adored my MM and I still do. I feel all the hurt, anger and sadness but I still love him and in an ideal world i’d be with him. If he miraculously became single i’d be with him in a flash. its not him i hate but his situation. He married 25years ago, when I was just a teenager , its taken all this time for us to meet. We are in contact about some professional stuff. I got mad at him once and said some horrible things to him that I very much regret, he said it hurt. But we are dealing with one another and talk nearly every day . I really miss him, and pin for him I love him still very much , its so hard to let go and let go of the hope. Sometmes i think i shouldn’t have let the little bit we had together go and that crumbs is better than nothing at all. but then i think no, I don’t want to be the other woman, I want to be THE women, HIS woman. And because that can’t happen then there can’t be anything. I don’t expect him to drop 25years of marriage and all that comes with it, he’s be foolish if he did, but still, i can’t help but live in fantasy world sometimes.

  • anna

    Hello all,
    Well, I saw some pictures on social media over the weekend of his wife’s birthday party and there was a big family celebration with a bunch of family members including him sitting next to his wife – he had a big smile on his face and everyone looked really happy. He didn’t look like he had a care in the world and neither did his wife. He sent me an email today saying that he was finally getting some help and had gotten a therapy appointment and was going to do whatever he could to repair the relationship with his wife and family. He has caused me so much depression and pain for so long that it was a relief to hear the truth instead of future faking and lies. I have now blocked him from contacting me via email so that I will not be tempted to email him again. Maybe he can change… I don’t know. My therapist has been helping me realize that people who truly love you do not want to hurt you and that this was probably not really love in the first place. And he probably does not really love his wife either… he most likely does not know what love is at all. But that is not for me to figure out. I am going to continue staying strong and moving forward.

  • Martha Ordonez

    Hello,
    I’m married and I started an affair with my ex boyfriend whom I loved very much. It’s been 28 years since we were together and the break up was devastating for me. He reached out to me about 5 months ago to apologize to me of how he had treated me when we were a couple and to tell me that I was the love of his life,and that he still loved me but he is married. We talked for several weeks and went out to lunch several times before we started the affair. He did tell me that he doesn’t love his wife but he won’t leave her but he doesn’t want to leave what we have either and that if I at any point we were both single if I would consider him and start a real relationship with out hiding. I’ve always loved this man even though I’ve been married for 26 years already. I love my husband but I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with him, he’s great and I’m very fortunate to have him but I feel there’s been something missing that hasn’t made me truly happy. I see my lover maybe once a month and speak to him once a week sometimes and it really hurts me because I want to see and talk to him daily if possible but he always says he’s very busy and he can’t. I know this relationship will never go anywhere but it’s so hard for me to let go. What can I do to end this relationship and be ok.

  • Tracy

    NC with MM for 1 month and he comes out of the woodwork suddenly. I was staying busy and moving on.

    I see him conveniently standing around at places I go to regularly just so he can run into me. He looks saddened with puppy dog eyes and even came up to give me a very warm and tight hug. Keeps saying how much he misses me and I good I smell. I was always on the nurturing side with him. His wife is in menopause, abrupt, caustic, with no interest in him sexually or even in an affectionate way.

    He gets a hug from her once in the blue moon. She insisted they have separate rooms so hes accepted it but starving for affection. He is in a dilemma because he loves his two grown kids and the home he built for them 20 years ago. He stays for the security but at the same time gets none of his needs met. He has talked to her many times and all she does is criticize him for chores not done and how he doesnt do other things the ” right”. He has no self-esteem and wont stand up to her.

    I feel bad for him that he cant be more of a man but he abhors conflict of any kind. I want to be a friend and encourage him to be more assertive. This guy is not the type to go to counseling either. What happens to these types of men? I wonder if they just remain co- dependent for the rest of their lives and accept the misery.

    I suppose I haven’t quite let go due to my innately empathetic nature.

  • JeepGirl

    Hello all,
    First let me say I have not posted much lately, and it is because my life has changed so much that it seems like I never have time anymore.
    Let me explain.
    Three & a half weeks ago my mm left his wife and moved in with me. He finally did it, I first thought. The handsome, built, sweetheart of a man I am so head over heels in love with left his wife for me. He is not divorced yet, but she and he have worked out a schedule for the kids so that they both have equal time with them, and he has been living here full time. My dreams have come true, right?

    Wrong. The last couple of weeks have been full of turmoil. We are butting heads on so many issues, the kids are having trouble transitioning, and we fight more than we don’t.

    I think that not knowing how different we would really be in a real situation, we believed in this romantic love conquering all. It hasn’t. Once upon a time he and I had no trouble communicating, but now we can hardly talk to one another without fighting. Sometimes it’s about the kids, sometimes it’s about who’s doing what wrong, and sometimes it’s about absolutely nothing.

    He has not said so, but because of the way things are I imagine he’s regretting ever leaving her, and truthfully I wouldn’t be devastated if he left here and went back. My house has never been so full of the negativity that comes with the fighting. I am mentally drained.

    I am sharing all of this with you because I want you all to see the reality of what happens when they really do leave.

    My mm and I were so much in love, our times together before he moved in were intoxicating. Now, we are constantly at each other’s throat. There is seldom any peace between us. We were in love and thought our lives would be perfect if only we could be together. We are together now, under the same roof, but our relationship is not the same. I hope my story helps even just one of you. I hope it helps you see that yes, you fell in love with a mm and it hurts so bad to be the ow, but it hurts even more when you finally are together and you realize how much of a fantasy it all really was.

    I don’t know what is going to happen between he and I, but I do know I can’t go on living with this constant turmoil.

    Much love to you all.
    XO

    • Leigh ann

      Jeep Girl. Thank you for sharing this! I was missing my mm and it has been almost 2 months since I last spoke to him. I often thought if he left things would be great. But I know from when I left my husband of 25 years there was no smooth transition from married to not married. There are still so many feeling tangled up within it all. It me almost 3 years to sort through it all and I was very unhappy in my marriage. When you have been together so long there is so much that ties you together how can anything be easy? It’s not. It’s better if we are not around to make things “easier” for them. They have to go through the whole separation and the awful hurt that goes with a dissolution of a marriage. We as the OW should be aware of that. It took me a long time to come to terms with that. If my MM ever comes back to me be better have the divorce papers signed and have dealt with all the emotional baggage that goes with it. I hope that you are able to find peace again. Good vibes to you 😊

    • Tricia

      Hi Jeep girl . Thank you so much for sharing your story . I heard when the fantasy become reality the fantasy die ? And the mistress now become the wife and get all her problems I don’t know if any truth in that but I hope U find peace in your Heart and Soul . Stay In Prayer and God will see you through this .

    • Jules

      Jeep Girl,

      Thank you for sharing your recent updates. I have had a feeling that if my mm ever left for me, the same thing would happen. I have had to accept that his wife knows him better than I do. She is a 200 lbs. overweight alcoholic with severe depression. It is an eerie thought that my mm might have something to do with that as well. I would give him 1 month with me and he would be gas lighting me. He needs a woman that he can control. That is not me. One of the last things that I said to him is “you need a mistress with a weak mind and character”. I was emotionally vulnerable when we hooked up almost a year ago. I made a bad decision. I am not that way anymore.
      I saw this meme on FB, something to the effect of “they always say why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? A better saying is why buy the pig when we can still have a little sausage?”
      It struck a dark cord of humor to me. Notwithstanding truth, I believe that all of us deserve better than a little sausage from a pig.
      60 days nc. I am getting stronger. Over the acute withdrawals from this hellish addiction.
      Never again will I be in this position.
      Love to you all.

      Jules

      • Anna

        Omg… this truly struck a chord. I don’t mean to degrade another woman but my mm’s wife is extremely overweight, drinks heavily, and is in overall very poor health and I’ve often wondered what he had to do with that. Especially after seeing how low I got with him. The depression and gaslighting was real and she has been with him 27 years. Narcissistic abuse is real.

      • Sage

        A common sentiment I see about affairs with MM is that after it ends (or attempts to end it) is “I still love him”. Interesting how after all the “pain” we endured, it is supposed to mean that this was about love.

        I too feel the same and it’s why I find it hard to move on. Was this real love, did MM feel it was love? After being with him for over a year, I feel an emotional bond. I often wonder how he is doing, even though at times he used and a used my trust. Sounds twisted and unhealthy.

        Was it other people’s view that the MM had other side chicks besides you? In my case I never knew for sure, with the only clue was his frequent disappearing acts. It hurts my ego deeply to realize I wasnt at all special to this man and that I was on roster with other women.
        It would certainly soothe me to know there wasn’t in my case.

        My MM no longer reaching out is actually doing me a favor but it still hurts. It reminds me of how neither of my parents were ” vacant” emotionally and physically as well. The old wounds still surface.

    • CC

      I’m so glad I read this!

      I have been so sad about ending things with my mm. I felt like the “bad guy”.
      He told me that he would end things with his wife one of these days, so that we could be together and I not only believed him, but wanted that too. We would always talk about our future together, but it never seemed real to me. I’ve always had a bad feeling about it and so I decided to end things even though I am very much still in love with him.

      …really sorry to hear about your current situation. I hope things get better.
      You just made me see that I REALLY did make the right choice.

  • JeepGirl

    Young & confused,
    Your story is so eerie to me because it is so similar to my situation.
    I would love for you to email me so that we can talk & see if there is any connection to our stories. It seems far fetched that there could be, but I guess stranger things have happened.

    If you’d like to talk feel free to email me @:
    fortheloveoflittles@yahoo.com

  • Help please

    Anyone who read my story before it has turned even worse for me . Looks like my mm is not decent at all . He has still been ignoring me since Jan he left his wife and is now seeing a silly 23 year old who he put into a managers role who doesn’t have a clue and been drinking and stuff with it . Now I have found out he intends to make me redundant from a position which is not even a year old . And that not discrimination I think it is and I can’t believe how he could do this . He knows I am moving out and will only be and my little boy then he throws me under the bus like this . Surely with evidence I can show people it’s discrimination. How his new person is getting pay rises , days off not doing her work and everyone knows that too .

    • Jules

      Please Help,

      3 words; Get a lawyer.

      Pay contingent on winning a lawsuit. Karma is a bitch. It will catch up to him, not soon enough but it will. So glad that you are away from that toxic person. You deserve so much better.

      Jules

  • Kat

    So I’m in the same situation as everyone here. I met my MM because I was shadowing him for a job and we started to talk just as friends. I was already going through a little breakup with a guy I dated for 2 months and my MM would comfort me and tell me it was ok and I was pretty and could find someone better and soon we began flirting and talking a lot. It’s been going on for a year and 3 months. I know it is wrong and I feel bad and at the same time I feel like I love him but I know he dosnt love me. He always says he can’t change his situation because he dosnt want to hurt his kids there his main priority. I have tried to leave him many times but always end up going back. When we aren’t talking I feel so much pain and sadness I cry everyday. That’s why I end up going back because it hurts so much without him. I keep feeling all these crazy emotions and feel lost like a broken record. I hope I can find the strength to be able to let go and feel ok with it mentally.

  • Young and Confused

    I haven’t seen or talked to MM for about 5 months now and I honestly don’t miss him at all. I have absolutely no intentions of reaching out to him or ever seeing him again in my whole entire life. However, I still think about him almost every day and I wonder if he still thinks about me too. Whenever I pull into my driveway I wonder if he’s parked around the corner watching me (like he used to). I wonder if he drives past my old workplace to see if I’m there (like he used to). I wonder if he knows I got a new job at the place we originally met (a kickboxing gym). I am not emotionally/physically attached to him at all… but I just can’t get him out of my head completely. On October 31, 2018, I completely ghosted him out of the blue. I blocked him and his wife on all social media and I deleted his number. I have not reached out to him a single time and I’m extremely proud of myself for that. He has called me a few times, visited me at work, sent me an email, and then he gave up and I haven’t heard from him since. I ended up confessing the entire affair to my new boyfriend and he was surprisingly accepting. However, I know it still bothers him a lot because MM was 40 and I’m 21. My current boyfriend used to be an MMA fighter and MM is a kickboxing instructor so I’m scared of what will happen if they ever cross paths with each other considering they both hate each other’s guts (although this might be kinda interesting to watch). Thanks to anyone who read this and I’m sorry if it didn’t make much sense 🙂

    • JeepGirl

      Young & confused,
      Your story is so eerie to me because it is so similar to my situation.
      I would love for you to email me so that we can talk & see if there is any connection to our stories. It seems far fetched that there could be, but I guess stranger things have happened.

      If you’d like to talk feel free to email me @:
      fortheloveoflittles@yahoo.com

  • Leigh ann

    Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your responses it helped immensely. I think, Anna that I felt the same way about my mm. He was the first to make me feel loved and important and special. He would bring me flowers, open the car door, hold my hand, and tell me I was beautiful and perfect. I have never had that in any other relationship even with my spouse. I knew it was wrong from the beginning and often I thought it was over because that was what I was used to but he kept coming back so I started to trust and I fell. It was only a year and a half and I should be glad it wasn’t longer. When he broke up with me he said he couldn’t be in my life right now and he was sure our paths would cross again and he didn’t want to do this he had to do it for himself and he needed time to sort things out in his life. I look at it now and I think how cruel to give me hope. He never spoke about his wife to me at all. Neither negative nor positive so I just never exactly knew where things stood. He said I made him so happy and that I changed his life. He also got involved with my family. He met all my kids and some of my extended family. This is why it’s so hard to let go. Why would he do all this if I was just a piece on the side. He never wore his ring with me and we never hid when we went out. He did not live here so maybe that made it easier to not hide. These are all the reasons why this is so hard to let go of. But I know it’s best but there is still hope he will contact me. But could I ever trust him again? And I don’t want to be the other woman I want to be the woman. And I don’t want to hurt someone else. So I will have to just keep moving forward. Thank you all for your support and good vibes. 😊

    • anna

      Leigh Ann, your situation is a lot like mine! My mm was the first person that ever made me feel loved and special. He always told me I was the most beautiful person he had ever known and how special and perfect I was. And he said that I changed his life too and made him feel better than anyone ever had. He had met members of my family as well. We had to hide sometimes but often we did not, like when we were traveling. He has told me many times – and even when we broke up he said- that we just met at the wrong time in life and that one day our time will be right. It does feel somewhat cruel to think that we are still holding out hope for these men and I think that is the big reason why we can’t fully move on with our lives. I have often told myself that I had my one great love and I won’t love that way again. But it’s sad we deserve to be loved fully and not just kept in the shadows. So why can’t they give us their all? I just don’t understand it. But yet he has not even tried to initiate contact with me on his own accord to check and see how I’m doing and if I’m okay and I can’t deny that really hurts me badly. I can’t even justify that part of it. If he really loved me so much, wouldn’t he check on me? That’s the part that I can’t rationalize… why doesn’t he check up on me? I know that I just have to move on right now and focus on myself and live my own life but that part just hurts so bad. good vibes Leigh Ann!

  • Jessica

    Hello all,

    Can anyone provide some support/advice??

    It has been over a month of NC with the mm. It is his birthday soon and I’m thinking of wishing him a happy birthday. I have zero intention of going back and I refuse to allow myself to get back in that situation but I feel like I owe him at least that nice gesture one last time. Thoughts anyone?

    • Tricia

      Hi’ Jessica . Well March the 6th was my Ex Mm Bd and did to want reach out to him but I didn’t last year I did that and affair start all over again with that Happy Birthday !! Now it’s over and it’s been 4 months now .Yes still do think of him sometimes but my advice is No don’t do it because chance are the affair will start up again been there many times just stay No Contact I know U miss him but don’t do it . Stay Strong.

      • Jessica

        Hi Tricia,

        Thanks so much for the words of support! His birthday is March 27 which coincidently will mark exactly 2 months of NC. I am getting better each day that goes by but there is always a moment everyday when I am just overwhelmed with sadness. I just want it to go away already. When will this get better!? I always think about how he’s doing because his situation is worse than mine. I am free to find genuine happiness while he’s stuck in a loveless marriage. I just feel bad for his clueless wife who knew nothing of his betrayal! All I know is that karma will come back and bite him. I know that my happiness is out there somewhere and I am looking forward to it. For now, I am free of guilt, shame, sadness and all the rollercoaster emotions that lie within an affair. I am going to be strong and not contact him. Stay beautiful and strong to all who is suffering through the pain!

        • Hayley

          Jessica – DO NOT contact him on his birthday do not use this as an excuse to contact him pleaseeee I beg you.
          30 or 60 days is usually the day people break no contact so this is going to be so hard for you but please don’t do it.
          And remember what they say: people tend to remember the ones who didn’t wish them happy birthday than the ones that do! So it will bother him that you haven’t cause he will probably be expecting you too.
          Switch your phone off on the 27th!! Stay strong.

        • Tricia

          Hi ‘ Jessica . I think we stop thinking about them when we finally see our affair with these married men for what it really was and not what we wanted it to be or think the relationship really was and that’s we let the dream go . And find another man . And these men choose to stay with their wives because if you truly are unhappy with your spouse it’s such thing called divorce!!!! Don’t let men fool you ladies !! His not hurting like us these men know how we feel before U even tell him !! My friends tell me it’s time to move on and it’s true but haven’t found anybody yet . Jessica have your Ex mm tried to contact you ? I don’t exist anymore to mine sad to say . Positive Vibes !

      • ANONYMOUS

        Hi Trisha,
        It’s been a while since I’ve been on this page. I hope all is well with you.
        My ex MM left the Islands to go to the U.S. with his wife in July 2018. Now he’s back, with divorce papers, in his hands claiming that he wants us to be together again. He’s using certain family members to reach out to me telling me that I should give him another chance. The sad part is that I am too embarrassed to tell them the real reason why he left in the first place.

        I haven’t seen anyone since we broke up because of the way things worked out with him, but I lied and told him that I am happy with someone else. He wished me well and told me that he will respect my space. Hopefully, that will keep him a distance from me because I can not go through all that stress again. I’ve had enough!. I don’t even feel bad lying to him after all he told me in the past.

        I just hope to find a really nice man one day to settle down with.

        • Tricia

          Hi, Anonymous. It good to hear from U again ! I know you was surprised? Because I would be . But I’m proud that you put yourself first and thought about the time when you were with him and how the affair affected your life . And you want better for yourself . Because if they cheat on their wives and lie too they would do it too us you cannot trust him as sad as it is. I haven’t dated either I do want somebody but I’m not ready yet plus my Ex Mm after all these months is still in my head unfortunately. But I will not go back to that anymore ! I hope U find yourself a lovely man you can be proud of and take him home to meet your family and friends and enjoy his company. But in the mean time just keep on doing you ! Positive Vibes Always …

  • Tricia

    Hi’ Leigh Ann . You just got to go through the stages of grief and it’s hard and painful . I thought just like you if only my Ex mm would show me sign he cared and I knew I would probably break down and go back to being (2) best and settling for crumbles and he have eventually went MIA again . So as hard as it is just know regardless if connect U you will never be his first choice and you could never trust him . Know that your special someone is out there waiting for you !! U will never forget him but you’ll get pass this . Stay Strong Positive Thoughts !!!

  • Anna

    Hi everyone,
    I hope everyone is staying strong. I had a good weekebd and have been doing well and maintaining NC. Doing yoga, therapy, gym, all healthy things, then I look at my email and my ex mm sends me an email on Sunday, just one symbol, a green heart. That was “our thing”. I didn’t respond but I hate to admit it got me thinking about him all over again and I know that’s why he did it. Ughhhhhh….

    • Leigh ann

      You are doing so well Anna! I am not doing so well. It has been 6 weeks since I got the break up text. I am still upset about it. I broke down today. I know logically it was a dead end relationship and there was no future but I do really miss him. I think I would maybe feel better if I had some idea that he was missing me as bad. I don’t know why I can’t just get over this i have great friends and a good family but this just hurts. It seems as all the mm here were very unkind when they ran but mine was not unkind. He tried to let me down easy. I don’t want to break the no contact because I don’t want to start all over. I know I would rather hurt like this than have him leave his family for me and be then be labeled a home wrecker. I think that would be so much worse. I just want to stop missing him and I don’t know how. I try to keep busy but every so often it just overwhelms me. Does anyone have any ideas. Please help me to find a way to heal. Thank you

      • Riya

        Sorry it’s been rough Leigh Ann. It’s been 8 months for me and I still have very rough days, especially during the times of the day when we communicated. There is a wave of emotions that hits. I too would like to seek an end to this. Though I do not breakdown uncontrollably like before, I do feel very depressed and angry. One thing that seems to help for me was I identified some parts of my routine where I absolutely didn’t think of him, for me it was during yoga, and the time I spend with the kids. I started doing more of this. Took up more challenging things at work, so it would need more focus. Though this doesn’t work always for me, but one day at a time. There is always a hope I might hear from him which has not died yet, but I hope to someday. Hang in there dear..pick the things you love doing and dedicate more time to that, could be an approach you can try.

      • Jessica

        Hi Leigh Ann,

        You are doing a great job!!! Having reached 6 weeks is definitely something to be proud of! Continue going and DO NOT break the NC. You have worked this hard and you know you deserve a much better man!! I left my mm about a month ago (4 year affair) and at times it’s overwhelming but I am becoming more and more at peace with myself. Continue keeping yourself busy and doing things that you love!! Your life is only going to get better and better. Going back to these men is not allowing ourselves to be kind to ourselves and that is something us women forget to do. Always remember your self worth. In the end, all this misery will be worth it because happiness will come!! Promise! Stay strong and beautiful xoxox

      • Xxx

        Hi Leigh ann,
        I cannot quite remember your story, but if you are so sure there is a mutual love and your mm was ready to be with you instead of the wife, I don’t see a reason to see yourself as a home wrecker. It is also better for the wife to stop the marriage where there is no love for her. However, if he’s just been sitting comfortably on two chairs, take your time to heal and move on. It will hurt but it will be worth it in the end. I guess you could clarify those things with your mm instead of beating your head up and questioning your choices, try to get out of the illusion and if necessary, move on sooner rather than later. Easier said than done, i know.. good luck X

      • anna

        Leigh Ann….. I am so sorry you are hurting. You are grieving and every emotion you are feeling is normal. It is a lot easier this time around (I cried so many tears) but still very hard and there are days I miss him intensely. I have talked to my therapist about attachment and she has helped me understand why I got attached to my mm in the first place – because he was also kind to me and made me feel loved and valued like no one else. And that was why I kept going back to him over and over even though he was never available. Have you thought about therapy? I resisted it for years thinking it was going to be too emotionally exhausting but it it really helping and so is meditation/yoga – a lot of self care – keeping busy as possible from day to night – talk to friends as much as possible – reading – there are still going to be times you miss him… I know this hurts. Confession – I still hold out hope in my heart that our time will be right someday for me and my mm – I guess I’m just pathetic! But I know that it couldn’t go on like it was.. I have to live my life right now and can’t wait for him…you can’t change anyone, you can only change yourself. Hugs <3

      • anna

        I have a lot of ups and downs, one day I am doing well (like yesterday) and the next day I feel bad (today). Some days I will have two good days in a row and then a bad day. Today is not a good day. I got mired down with work, my mind was on him all day, when I am like this I get depressed and angry and start thinking I will end up alone and I start thinking I should have settled for what I had with him and thinking I should just go back to the crumbs and start missing him.. life does not look that promising when your choices are being with a mm or being alone because you miss your mm. And I hate feeling that way…it’s not easy. Today is not an easy day…. hang in there I am with you.

        • Leigh ann

          Hi Anna. I understand the feeling of the fear of being alone forever. I am terrified that I will never find anyone as well. I have been told that there are so many men in this world that are single but once you reach a certain age… over 50 your choices become smaller and smaller I feel like. Most men this age aren’t looking for another wife or serious gf. They seem to just want hook ups and I am not into that. I am actually having a good day today. I don’t want to cause my mm any issues at home so I just keep with the NC and I cry and cry. So many tears I’m afraid they will never stop. I’m am trying to be strong and I have read a lot about being the OW and no matter what the mm never leave. They have built a life with her and we can’t compete with that. If my mm came back to me it would have to be after the ink was dry on the divorce papers and not before. I do hope I will find someone but in the mean time I’m going to do what I can to live my life. Staying strong 💪🏻

          • Jules

            Yes Leigh Ann,
            I can relate.
            Tears and tears…..it’s been 45 days nc. Your insight helped me knce again. Without admitting it to myself, I have been holding out hope that we will be together someday but that is a not reality. I need to truly let him go. More tears when I recognize this fact.
            Thank you.

          • anna

            Hi Leigh Ann. I realize how much we as the OW have to overcome and we can never beat the odds no matter what, if the men don’t leave early on they never will. It just devastates me knowing that to me this was a real relationship and I was loyal, but I was stupid. I wish someone had talked some sense into me but I was secretive and didn’t talk to anyone about it. That’s the thing that is so unhealthy. I want to have a relationship with a person who can give me everything. My mm made me realize that I am ready for that kind of relationship and not crumbs. The thing that worries me is that I still think about him all the time – he is constantly on my mind and in my heart and I don’t expect that to fade away overnight or even anytime soon. I’m became pretty socially isolated because of the affair but I’m staying busy and taking up hobbies and not letting depression overtake me. I do still have some down days but not as many as I did during the affair. I’ve started talking to someone but it’s going to take time to let someone into my heart. I also know that I’m very vulnerable to any kind of contact by mm – so far he hasn’t tried to do that but it’s happened in the past and prevented me from moving on with other, available men that might be better for me. I know that it’s up to me not to fall prey to that but it’s so hard when I miss him.

          • Leigh ann

            Hi Jules. I’m happy that you are staying strong. I have been told many times I will get past this. I just wish it was sooner instead of later. I had a very bad day yesterday and once again broke down at work. I spend a lot of time alone at work which doesn’t help. So today is a new day and I will try to not cry and do only things that make me very happy. I still have hope but I can’t live my life around that hope. I’m just going to keep moving forward and hope that I can get past this. Staying strong together 😊

          • Leigh ann

            Hi Anna. I know what you mean. I was loyal too. How dumb was I? My best friend always said he seemed like he was up to something. I never told her he was married or she would never have spoken to me again. She many times told me to dump him like a bad habit but I just kept on. I guess it was exactly like an addiction. I can’t stop thinking about him either. I know it’s because I gave him a piece of my heart that I hadn’t given anyone in a very long time and I guess I had hoped that it was the same for him. I honestly don’t recognize who I am anymore. I used to be a fun loving jokester before him and while I was with him. Now I just feel alone and sad. People always thought I was so happy when wanted to be around me. Now I just hide at home and cry. I have to get myself through this grief and find myself again. This has taught me ones great lesson though….. NEVER EVER will I let a mm fool me again. I’m glad that I have the group to lean on it helps me untangle this all.

  • Tricia

    Hi’ ladies. I’ve been read E mails from the lady named Renee Wade her and husband both writes anyway she have one I been reading Why Men Pull Away and what to Do and she have other interesting reads too. Ok their the Founder of the Feminine Woman look it up I think It would give us some insight on some of these men.

  • Tricia

    Hi’ Marlene. I know where U at with your grief stage feeling rejected and alone and lets not forget angry . Don’t allow yourself to even think about him with another woman it does no good for the soul .What I realized is being with a married man only made me realize how lonely I was and how wanted a real relationship with a man who loved and the married man gives us a taste of what we been missing. And don’t worry about being intimate with a man because when U and that man have a true connection the sex thing won’t be a issue because there is a enough of attraction to keep him .And the married man did you favor by setting you free because deserve so much better then crumbs from some man !! And you will not die alone I know your self esteem is shot right now and you are hurting but trust me U will get pass this and find true love but until then love yourself focus on helping somebody else it might make you good ? Do whatever you need to do to make you HAPPY !! And don’t think about if he really cared about you because you will never know the real truth U go crazy first . Good Positive Vibes !!

  • Hayley

    I’ve just finished reading a book on this subject which was very insightful… one line struck me:
    “In order to escape the pain you have to love YOURSELF more than you love the MM”
    How true is this! I’m finding the more I’m focusing on myself, being kind to me, putting myself first for a change the less i care and he’s noticing cause he’s dying to see me suddenly and I’m either ignoring or making excuses not too. In fact when I get his texts I’m rolling my eyes because I’ve finally opened my eyes !!
    It really is about focusing your energy inwards instead of on them. I feel the fog maybe finally lifting.

    • Tricia

      Hi’ Hayley . Good for you when we are apart from the married man you see thing’s so differently and U really realized that you don’t need him only wanted him and that effect or spell they had over us Is slowly fading into black .U get stronger each day and U can one day say thank you for setting me free !! And smile and walk away……. Stay Strong because 14 yrs is along time and he ain’t ready to give up yet ! Good Positive to All the ladies !!

    • Diamond39

      Wow at dying to see you!! What happened to his wife? Smh…

      Im annoyed because I offered to start making vegetable juice for my ex-mm, he hinted he wished someone could make some for him…so now he picks up juice from my house every other day…I feel so sorry for him at times…but I think to myself…why am I doing this!?!? Why cant his wife do it?! Im so done with her…I asked him the other day ” what do you say when you’re asked about the juice”? He said he tells her he makes it….

      Im thinking and she just believes it? Sigh…I hope she’s not drinking my juice-sucks teeth-..

      He was venting about work the other day…he slipped up and said he hates his job, he hates his life…I was shocked when he said this…his life looks blissful on social media…

  • Tricia

    Hi ‘ Anna I’m glad your trip gave your mind and body the rest it need ! And with time U will feel better and will find a man that will see all the beauty in you . Yes it’s a struggle to mend your broken heart and as I said before you will never forget him I know this sound funny but you will look back on this and smile and fondly wish him well and mean it . Continue to stay strong !!!

  • Xxx

    Hi girls, I hope we are all better and recovering from a nightmare. So, I’ve been having the dreams that I’d had just before I met the EX mm. I wake up in the middle of the night dreaming someone (and him) trying to rape me. When I’d first had those dreams before meeting him I thought that there was some danger coming into my life. Then he appeared and I thought he was my savour. Nope, it was a treat that he was coming. So I would like to just remind you again that the mm could be just worse than being the mm, he could be a person with an antisocial personality disorder. Write down the patterns in your relationship because if you see the fluctuations of him leaving and coming back in the same way and at the same time as always as if nothing happened, it is a huge red flag. I have had a great blessing to get in contact with the wife (who is a great person btw) and who was fooled in worse way than me. My mm reached me again asking if I wanted him to make me a child as if he was the most amazing man walking this earth. That was a way to triangulate and make the wife jealous. Luckily, I have only got a mucus coming out as a response. Take care of yourself. Those men do not deserve having such an enormous attention even here. I did not believe that truly evil persons exist, and who would say that “my savour” was the one. Happy Women’ Day to all of you, may you be blissfully happy and literally FREE! Xxx

  • Tricia

    Hi Anna. It’s been 4 months since I last saw my Ex Mm in the first month I thought he would come back after being with the wife (2) Month I was so angry because I couldn’t believe it was over and I thought maybe he got another woman .(3) Month I was hurt because I felt he just erased me from his life and broke contact to tell him how hurt I was .(4) Month I’m ok now he is just a beautiful memory . But tell u this it wasn’t him I really missed it was just having a man in my life who gave me attention that could have been any man but it was him I see things differently now and u will too with time and space U will get pass this as hard as it is . Stay strong good vibes !!

    • anna

      Hi Tricia,
      Today is 31 days since we broke it off and there have been a lot of ups and downs as you correctly stated! I had a few really rough days over the last week. I just got back from a work trip that has left me feeling energized. After work was over, I had some free time in a new environment away where I could roam around in a great city where I was away from everything was wonderful and relaxing. While I was on the flight home I listened to music and was flying high over the ground and did even more thinking and processing. While I was away, my mind was on him the first day or so, but after the 2nd and 3rd day, I was not thinking about him except to process everything clearly and rationally. Today I am back home and I feel good and strong. I am trying to keep this momentum going as long as possible. I really do want to get to the point where I see him as a beautiful memory and am not filled with a deep sense of regret like I threw so much time away. I think the more time passes and the less major ups and downs there are the easier it will be to get to that point. Good vibes going out to all..

      • Xxx

        Bravo Anna! You nailed it! ☺ I just wanted to give you an extra support to keep on going that way! You are a great soul and I hope you can realise it, you have been giving a lot of good vibes to all the women here. So keep on being a role model of how to successfully break that hell cycle and continue to give yourself the importance you deserve! Hugs Xxx

  • Bells Paws

    I am so close to sending my now ex MM an angry letter, telling him exactly how I feel and how sh*ite he’s been. He was so uncaring when we last spoke- he admitted he’d not been honest with me and that he knew all along his commitments and priorities lay elsewhere. He was being selfish, he admitted this too. Someone said in a another post that actually he was committed to his marriage and wife right form the start- this I now know was completely true, and he told me so! I feel furious with him, he really led me on and always avoided answering my direct questions What a *ing bastard. I don’t know about anyone else but I actually find NC gets harder and more painful as time goes on. At the beginning you are full of resolve and determination, but as time goes on I find I weaken and the real sense of loss and grief kicks in…. and that what really hurts the most. Sorry to rant, but i’m fuming. What about everyone else re NC ?

    • Hayley

      Bells Paws – Nooooooooooo don’t do it!!!!
      It will get worse before it gets better you will go through all stages of the grieving process Anger being one of them!
      Ride it out… it will pass.. or write that letter then burn it. Don’t give him the satisfaction it will only feed his ego and it will change nothing.
      Keep going.. one day at a time then one day you will realise the pain is gone. I promise.

    • Leigh ann

      Don’t break the NC. It will get easier. I thought the same thing that it got harder too but I’m getting past it. Is it worth sending him anything? If he responds it will hurt more especially if he already said he was just being a selfish bastard. That’s the one thing that keeps me from contacting him. I don’t want him to say he was being selfish and he just wanted a vacation from his life and he’s working it out with her. That would kill me. And I don’t want to start the whole NC all over. It was hard enough the first time but to put myself through it again would be just too painful. Also I want to keep my dignity in tact. I want to come off like i erased him from my life not the other way around. And I don’t want to be angry anymore. I know it’s so difficult but stay with the NC. Your dignity will be in tact and and your heart will heal quicker if you don’t stay wrapped up in this. And once you have let this go you can open up to someone new who can be with you and will take care if your heart instead of ripping it out of your chest and stomping on it! Lean on this group. We are all in this together. I will be hitting the 6 week mark on Friday and I’m getting on with my life. My heart is finally healing and life is just too short to let someone so selfish and thoughtless drag us down. Be kind to yourself and let yourself heal. In the long run a little pain today is better than a lot more of just the same pain in the future. Remember this is just a dead end and it will always end the same way. Him with his wife and you in tears and pain. Good vibes and strength to make it through. We are all strong women and we will get through this together. And one day we will be writing how we finally someone who adores us 😊. It’s what we deserve and settle for nothing less!

    • anna

      Bells Paws,
      You have to get to the point where the abuse you are putting up with is more painful than the trauma bond. I got to the point where my depression got to be unmanageable. I do agree with you about the NC – I went back and forth for a few months before I got the guts to do it. Some days are still really hard. It is not a linear process. The thing with these mm is that any attention even negative attention is fuel to them. I would not send the letter because it won’t change anything. If you write it, keep it for yourself but don’t send it. You’ve got this. You’ve been extremely strong and you can get through this. Lean on the group.

    • Marlene

      It’s been a month of NC. He hasn’t even bothered to ask if everything is ok with me. I stopped talking to him with no explanation. Go figure. He never cared, I’m now not surprised. Got a feeling he had another married side chick as he frequently injected comments about a married woman he was friends with. He always made a point of mentioning how he spent the evening or afternoon doing favors by fixing things around her family’s home. I felt sick inside each time he said these things. I also never understood why he felt the need to tell me. He rarely ever mentioned his wife, sometimes I questioned if he even had a wife!

      It hurts knowing I meant nothing to him after spending a year of my time hanging out. But then I go back to just hating myself for being so weak, knowing he was married and could offer me nothing but crumbs

      I wont weaken to break the NC at least I am proud of that. But there’s nothing else I feel good about. I dont want to withdraw so much from being hurt that I cant be open to someone new. I’m afraid to get out there frankly. If I do meet a nice single guy, I will need to proceed very slowly. The fear is that men wont accept it & drop me for wanting to hold off on intimacy for awhile. Not all guys are patient about sex.

      I feel really low right now and fear I may die alone.

  • loise

    i thank God for this site God bless the founder of this site ..i pray God strengthens us to get over the feelings we have for this mm ..we are strong and deserve better than them ..

  • anna

    I know girl and I’m not one to give up easily. I feel like I s been beat down so bad. I’ve lost a part of myself in all of this.

  • Jules

    To be blunt: you are spinning your wheels going nowhere with your mm. He is pulling your chain to keep it going. Get out now before you sleep with him and it will be that much more agony when you finally deciede to leave him. And you will eventually.

  • Anna

    I had a weak moment today and broke NC. Today was a day we would have been together as I’m traveling and he would have been with me. We spoke and he told me he misses me and still loves me but he is working on his marriage and his life is changing now. Why did I trust him? I knew all along it was just a dream but I wanted it to be real so badly.
    I wish I could get over this as fast as he could. I wish I could just flip a switch and he would be gone out of my memory!! This pain is so hard.

    • Bells Paws

      Ahhh Anna. I feel for you. Your situation has many parallels to mine. Of course we tell ourselves it was only ever a dream, but part of us wants that dream so much we just can’t bring ourselves to let go of the hope, no matter how small or impossible it may be. Hope is a cruel mistress. It’s a real punch in the stomach hearing them say they are going to work things out with their wife- it extinguishes that tiny hope we hold onto . Its so hard to get over them because they offered so so much, real or not real, – even if it was just a dream, it would have made us whole and our lives complete. Its not easy to live feeling incomplete or missing something so fundamental and that is why its so hard to let go because getting over them means letting go of the hope, the dream. I feel for you girl. I’ve had the same from my MM_ i so believed him, i so wanted him and that dream…..

    • Bells Paws

      Anna, you need to remember how miserable it was with him, because it was so unfulfilling and one sided. No matter how much we want and love, it will not change things or make our dream come true. Its cruel, but we just have to somehow accept this. Its just one of things things in life- unfair, inexplicable, horrible, not right etc but its just the way it is. You told him before that in the future if he tries to come back to you… you will not be there for him. Remember this. There is no point in continuing with him, its going no where. Its not real. Remember how depressed and unhappy it makes you . Hold onto your dignity and pride and do what you have to do. I’m feeling it with you.

    • Leigh ann

      Awwww Anna I’m sorry you are hurting. I know what it’s like to keep the hope alive but what has me staying strong besides all the stories on this site is the fear I will hear those words that he is trying to work it out with her. I don’t want to hear those words because it will kill me. I am almost at 6 weeks of NC now and it has been a painful journey. I barely slept or ate. Today is the first day in 6 weeks that I made food for myself which means I’m finally on the mend. I am a very happy person but this kicked me in the stomach. I changed and I don’t like that at all. I’m finding my way back and the realization that he’s a selfish pr*^k is helping. Be kind to yourself and start the NC again. We are all human and we want to have someone to go through life with but we deserve someone who can be with us fully not lie to us and make us feel like we are just a side piece of ass. When you have weak moment lean on the group as we are all having our struggles with this and we are the only ones who can understand fully. Hugs and good vibes to you 🤗

      • Anna

        Hi ladies. You are all wonderful women and have bent more helpful to me than you may realize. Thank you all for being there. You are all so strong and empathetic women!! The last few days have been a bit better as I’ve been busy and my mind is off him. One day at a time. Hugs to everyone. Love love!!

  • Jasmine

    Hi Ladies, I met my MM last summer at a conference. He told me from the start that he was married and I could tell he loved her because he couldn’t stop talking about her. While hanging out after the workshops at the conference, I noticed he was staring mighty hard at me. On the 3rd day, he told me I was gorgeous and all the men at the conference were dumb for not trying to take me out. Once he said that, I knew he liked me. I did like him too. We talked and laughed a lot to the point our cheeks started to hurt. It was pretty obvious we had chemistry and we were attracted to each other. After the conference, we stayed in touch. Hour long phone calls turned into hour long FaceTimes. He told me he was having problems in his marriage. He and his wife got married after dating for 2 years. They been married for 5 years so they been together for7 Years. He said they have nothing in common and she constantly gets mad at him because he jokes a lot. He’s a really good man and he told me he’s never stepped out on his wife. I told him if he’s having problems why not go to counseling, but he said his wife doesn’t want to go. He said he wants a divorce, but he doesn’t want to hurt his wife’s feelings. He told me he’s in love with and I’m in love with him, but this situation is killing me. It’s been 6 months that we been talking and I’m starting to get in my feelings. He knows the situation is affecting me and he feels like a horrible person. I know I need to leave him alone, but I can’t. We live in different states, but he manages to call me everyday. I get really weak every time I hear his voice. We never had sex or even kissed, but my feelings for him are way too strong. I can tell he has feelings for me too. I know he’ll never leave his wife, but he keeps telling me I don’t know what the future holds. Him and his wife don’t have any kids so I don’t understand why he won’t leave if there’s trouble in paradise. On Christmas, he told me his wife said her life sucked for the past year. He was very upset, but didn’t really ask her why. They’re relationship is kinda weird to me. Anyway, I really do believe he’s in love with me. I just feel a little crazy for wanting him to be with me even though we only been talking for several months. Like I said earlier, we have chemistry, a lot in common, and never had a single argument. I need to get over him or maybe wait to see if he’ll leave. What do you ladies think I should do?

    • Bells Paws

      @Jasmine
      Eeek! I feel your longing and your pain. You are torn in opposite directions. What should you do? If you think its hard now, it will be harder if you get more involved in him. Living so far apart should make it easier to keep him a way and not let things go any where further. But sometimes despite knowing what we should do, the pull is just too strong. If you can why not say to him “If your situation changes, should you become single, then get in touch.” This way he knows you’re interested but you’ve set the boundaries and left the door open for him. My bet is he won’t come to you single, but at least you’ve done the right thing and got your answer. If you can’t resist, you’ll end up meeting up and having a long distance affair, don’t beat yourself up, but just know very very clear form the very onset what lies in store for you.

  • Irma Hernandez

    I think God works in mysterious ways. Friday I stumbled to this website when searching for prayers.
    Reading all these testimonials from you amazing souls moved me so much that I could not put my phone down. I met my MM in the same building I work in. A year ago he approached me to introduce himself and let me know how he admired my fashion taste. I was very flattered to hear that and realized how attractive he was, not noticing this in the past 2 years of seeing him around. Long story short, he never wears a wedding band so I assumed he was single. I confided in a friend, and she convinced me to make the first move. I did, by work email and soon after enjoyed getting to know one another. I found it odd that he would not ask me out on a formal date so I confronted him by email and that is when I learned he was married. He apologized for the inappropriate behavior on his part, we did not speak again until last October, work related, and I was vulnerable at the time and the contact by email started up again. I fell In love, he says he did too. We only met 3 times and made out like teenagers in my car. We never got intimate because he would cancel any opportunity we had.
    Last Thursday he simply could not go through this because we were already hurting each other and he still loves his wife even though it was not the same with me. I respect that he is stopping this now, and I agreed, but this all left me aching and confused of what happened to me, the perfect Catholic women.

    • Xxx

      Hi Irma, I don’t want to attack your believe system, but if you think it got to do anything with religion, i’m out of here. This can happen to anyone no matter “perfect catholic” or not.
      Now back to your story, that was a classical pattern of MM and OW. What I realized is that we may consider ourselves “used” but we agreed on being involved at certain point and refused to look at the red flags. Now we are all here representing the same stories and hopping the mm would one day realize that they love us, dump their wives and marry us. This is what all of us thought at some point, we admit it or not. But this is just an addiction, I do not see that as love. For me, love would be talking nice things about partners, clearing things with them and let them be. Unconditional love. But we all came here to share stories how our mm is the worst of all mms ever. So, that was an addiction because we were so obssessed with them and did not give us opportunity to meet someone else. And that is the key – break your addiction any way you know. Withdraw from him by going no contact. The NC is the best thing you can do when dealing with mms, narcissists, psychopaths and so on. You get your appetite back and dont obssess over someone’s husband who btw is a free soul to choose to leave his wife if he doesnt want to stay in marriage but he is still there. Maybe he is a coward? So do you want to spend the rest of your life with a coward? I don’t think so.
      Just be easy on yourself and take your time to heal by going NC and focusing on all the things you were before meeting the mm. Good luck X

    • Tricia

      Irma H. Thanks for sharing your story . Nothing happened to U but a chance encounter with a married man that awoke something inside of you that made U feel special .Appreciate his honesty with U and choosing to end thing’s with U before you really fell head over heels for him because these affairs never last long and if they do it include aot of patients on your part and plus U are lonely and sometimes feel used . So be thankful it end and go NC even if he come back later ! Wait for your own husband . Good Luck Stay Strong.

  • Jules

    Over the past 2 days I have had some painful moments and wishes that my ex mm and I were still together.
    Once again you all have helped me so much to stay in reality! I don’t miss him as much as I miss the contact with someone. Absolutely true!
    Also he is overall, happily married and I was only a sexual crutch to keep him fulfilled in his marriage.
    His wife weighs almost 300 pounds. He’s not attracted to her. He showed me pictures out her. I insisted because I didn’t trust him.
    He told me that he does love her. She is originally from Lithuania. And they have a close circle of Lithuanian community around them. Even though my ex married man is not lithuanian, he is Canadian.
    He definitely feels connected and enjoys the social aspects of the community.
    So yes, I was a secret sexual crutch just to add to his life and make him all the more content in his current situation. One of the last conversations that I had with my bitch boy, I told him, “quit bringing other people into your marriage! You are such a selfish coward! Your answer to fixing the unfulfilled aspects of your marriage is to hide out in another woman’s pu**y in the shadows! You are so LAME!!” He is an egotistical medical doctor so my words especially stung his ego.
    How humiliating and embarrassing for me to have allowed myself to be used like that.
    Thank you again ladies for everything. I’m back on track again with my thinking. Going to much needed therapy appointment today.

    • Leigh ann

      Good on you Jules! That’s so great that you told him exactly the truth. I know these men say they are happy in their marriages…. they are not. They convince themselves they are so that they don’t lose the things they have… house money extended family etc. But it’s just they have resigned themselves to that so they don’t have to face the pain and crappiness of divorce. So instead they do things like screw around on their wives. My MM asked me a long time before I ever got involved with him how I knew when it was time to leave because I had the strength to leave my spouse. I was thinking probably now since you are asking me 🤔. I didn’t see him again for months after that and when I did I was not going to get involved with any MM. we just talked for months before we ever did anything. He had me convinced that he really wanted to leave but didn’t know how to get out. He always said he wanted my strength. They aren’t happy they are cowardly and don’t want to face the hard situations. So who wants a giant chicken s^*t? Stay strong!

  • Anna

    Bells Paws,
    He missed you but he is committed to working things out with his wife…, this is similar to what happened with my mm and me over and over. Sometimes I even felt like I was the third wheel in their marriage propping then up and making it easier for him to stay because I made him happy…And this is why for me NC needs to be permanent, even though I am struggling today really bad. . It’s a horrible feeling. I am so sorry.

  • Bells Paws

    So after 1 month N C i was doing so well. I was pleased with myself and knew i’d done the right thing. Then he gets back in contact. He said he can’t give me anymore but he misses me. One thing leads to another and we ended up back in bed. It didn’t feel good or right at all. In fact I felt wretched. Then we had a frank conversation. He told me upfront for the first time, that he knew all along we had no future and no potential, he had deliberately strung me along, he didn’t answer my questions or be honest with me, he was being selfish and he wanted the best of all worlds. He knew i had invested heavily in him and he had given me false hopes and a wrong understanding of the situation. Bit late telling me all this now afterwards, this is what i needed to know at the beginning. Then he said thanks to me he’s now more committed to his marriage and wife and its reinforced his commitment and feelings towards her and his family and he wants to make that work so they’re going to work things out between them. So i’ve been sad and felt a sense of loss but now i feel furious. What a selfish lying bastard. He so lead me on and took all my affection and love knowing all along he couldn’t reciprocate any of it and now he has the balls to be open. And what is more I’ve actually saved his marriage and motivated his to salvage things! I feel so angry.

    • Leigh-ann

      Thank you for sharing that! I was struggling with the NC but you have helped me. That has always been my fear about contacting him. That he will say he realizes he wanted to make his marriage work. That would just open the wounds wider. I hope that you are able to heal. We are strong and we will make it.

    • Tricia

      Hi’ Bells Paws. I’m sorry things didn’t workout the way U hoped just go back to N/C we all at some point backslide it’s a learning experience don’t beat yourself love we human and make mistakes . Stay Strong positive good vibes !!!

    • Leigh ann

      Thank you for your story! I have been struggling with the NC. I have not spoken to him in 5 weeks now and some days it kills me. My biggest fear was that if I did contact him that I would get the outcome that you experienced. I feel terrible for you that he is a terrible person who is nothing but selfish. I hope that you will heal from this and you will find love that isn’t selfish. You deserve so much better as we all do. 😊

    • Bells Paws

      Thanks so much girls. I feel so awful!!! So bad. 1) I am furious with myself for giving into all his sweet talk after having made this decision and seeing the NC through and 2) he was so heartless and so unemotional and uncaring towards me. He said he’s been married for 20 years and I have served to reinforce his determination to make things work.; he is not going to give it all up and he said they will stay together forever. They are going to marriage counselling. I gave him everything but he never had any true feelings for me. Instead i’ve helped him with his commitment to his marriage and making it work!!! Gawd, do i feel like crap today. I’ve even thought about revenge. But its negative and won’t help me in the long run, i’ve been reading a lot about it. i can’t change him or his situation , i just need to put all my energy into me and getting myself strong and understanding the role i played in it all and building myself up so i never fall for it again. I want to take responsibility for myself and recognise the problems i need to address in me. But OMG its not easy. There are times i just want to blow the world up. i spent the past 3 days drafting a letter to him, venting everything i wanted to tell him. I was dying to send it to him, to let him know how much he has hurt me BUT I am decided I am not going to send it. Its negative, its just me trying to shift my crap feelings on to him and it just keeps the drama alive, Its not actually helpful to me. The only closure is a complete break and i need to reinforce my resolve to this. .I need to accept the situation for what it was, get him out of my life totally and focus on me and my self esteem and my own meaning and purposes in life. And also address the underlying causes in me that made me so susceptible to his charms and fleeting affections and attention etc. and really move on , i mean really move on . But OMG is not easy when all i want to do is shout and scream at him and tell his wife and all his in laws , family and snobby network of friends……

      • Leigh ann

        I know you feel like absolute s^*t today but remember he is the one who has the problem. He is a lying cheating bastard and most likely he will continue to cheat and the marriage will eventually implode. And that’s the best revenge. Remember once a cheater always a cheater and he says he’s going to be with her forever?? Maybe he thinks so but she will wake up one day and kick him to the curb! Your life will be better off without him and you will find true love with someone who’s not a lying bastard! Keep your head held high and be strong! We all have our stories and are finding support from each other one minute at a time one hour at a time one day at a time. 😊

        • Nancy

          I’ve spent 7 years, that when he’d say jump, I’d say how high! I made him cookies, repaired his clothes, attended to his emotional and physical needs, gave him so many gifts and always drove 3 hours to see him about twice a week for an hour of ***. He once again asked for a break, which hurts, but I’m done. Why do we do this to ourselves? I’m a very introverted person, rarely communicate, but I’d do whatever he asked to keep him happy and his temper at bay. Now his wife can deal with it. I doubt he’ll come back again, as this is the second major break we’ve had, and I’m thankful I’m finally seeing the light to his selfish ways. You are right, both your om and my ex om, will never find someone else who will do all the amazing things we have for them. Feeling like an idiot for ever giving him what I have. What a waste of time, money, and effort. I’m going to focus on my professional life from here on out. I hope you find a better focus of your energy as well. Hugs!

      • Tricia

        Bells Paws. I’m sorry and I don’t want to come off as harsh but your married man is full of crap !! Chances are he was already committed to his relationship and his marriage to his wife and family and you didn’t help his marriage out he told U a complete lie !! How could U miss someone and then turn around and insulted and hurt their heart ? These married men will tell U anything to get U in bed they don’t really care about Us !! Don’t worry about his wife and what he see in her and don’t compare yourself too her .U are beautiful U are a diamond in a ruff and one day a wonderful man will see all your beauty sweetie !! Don’t let your Ex Mm break U because that was his intentions all along to bring U down he saw you doing well without him he didn’t have to tell U that it’s better ways to end relationship without hurting someone feelings . Again positive good vibes !

  • Laura

    Hello, so i have a relationship with a mm for almost 3 years, im maried too ( my english is not so good im spanish) it was not physical it was emotional for 2 years and last year it became physical… both our spouses found out and we talk the four of us, and we broke up infront of them and said sorry… he didn’t fight for me, it was his chance to ended and be with me but again it was my chance too and I didn’t leave… we ended for 3 month and then he came back.. its been a year of us seeing each other, feeling stronger about each other and most important very very careful so know one finds out this time . I know he loves me, he treat me like a princess he doesn’t care at all a what time i talk to him or call him he always pick up or goes somewhere so he doesn’t make me feel bad, he give me very expensive gifts.. but yesterday we broke up because we where fighting alot, i fight alot because i want more and im
    Soooo jelous of his wife… but then again i think to my self if he really leaves her would i leave my husband? Im so addictive to this guy.. im so broken how can i stop this addiction. I have a beautiful family, my husband is sooo good ( and super good looking hahaha) he would never do anything to hurt me… but in the end im so inlove with the idea of being with my mm. I hope you guys can give
    Me advies thank you

  • Leigh-ann

    So it has almost been 5 weeks now since my last contact with my MM. I am still a bit sad but I think I’m more upset about losing what I thought the relationship was not the reality. I have finally told myself that my dignity is going to stay in tact. Being broken up with by text shows a level of disrespect I didn’t deserve. So I’m keeping my chin up and my dignity has returned. I would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn’t respect me enough to give me more than the leftovers of his time. Every day I get stronger and more aware that I’m so much better than the person I was when I was with him. I was hurting someone i didn’t know and that’s just not me. Stay strong everyone. We are now available for someone who will give us all their time. And we are also taking a lesson from this… we know what we absolutely will not put up with again. Good positive vibes to everyone. 😊

    • anna

      So so proud of you for how far you have come and your strength and dignity returning. I can’t wait to get as far as you are. Today is 11 days for me and I am feel a whole lot different over the past two days. The addictive feeling has passed and I feel a lot stronger and clearer. I realize how degrading the relationship was and it’s hard to believe I let myself get into this. I’ve been getting out and exercising, taking medication which I’m sure is helping as is the NC. 🙂

      • Leigh-ann

        That’s awesome Anna! You are doing well! I am having a bit of a difficult day today as these next few days are the days we would have spent together. But I have made a resolve that the best thing I can do for myself is get involved in things I like to do and for sure go back to the gym. I figure it’s the law of numbers. The more I get out the more I meet people I meet and the more likely I am to meet someone who might be the person to give his time. We will all get there and we have each other to help us through all this. Stay strong 💪🏻

        • Anna

          I know exactly how you feel! We were supposed to go away together next week so I’m sure I will be thinkng about him. I look at his photo sometimes and miss him. But I don’t miss the depression. All of that is starting to go away and I realize it was like a drug. I have had moments where I want to break no contact but I just can’t go back to that… the thought of being that messed up and how wrong the whole thing was keeps me strong. Hope you are having a wonderful day 😇

          • Leigh-ann

            I am having one of those moments when I want to break the NC today. I’m struggling to deal with the void that has been left. A part of me keeps hoping he will contact me and tell me he misses me but like you I don’t want to go back to that. I’m tired of spending my birthday alone Christmas alone and just getting scraps of time. I tell myself everyday that he’s married and it’s a total dead end no matter how we got along or felt for each other. I’m not ready to date yet because I’m not over it but I am going to keep getting out and living my life and hope that I can get past this. Staying strong 💪🏻. Hope you are doing well today.

        • Anna

          Leigh-Ann
          I know you said the last few days are days you would have spent together with your mm. Just be strong and hang in there. I have had days I want to break NC too. Where I think I miss him. I talked to my therapist about it and she made me realize I really don’t miss him I just miss having someone to talk to. Reach out to the group when you want to break NC and talk to us. You can get through this. Keep yourself open for someone who can love you 100%. Hugs xx

  • Sarah

    So after 2 months of no contact I went to see the MM yesterday. I am so angry at myself. We are all strong independent women so i don’t know why we allow these MM to walk all over us time and time again. We are enabling these men to stay married by being there when they need us. They are obviously unhappy within their marriages but we give them the release which keeps them satisfied. They will never ever leave their wives for us. they have the wife looking after the kids, home, emotional needs etc and then there’s us for all the physical. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

      • anna

        Speaking from my personal experience with my mm here, but I asked him the question and he confessed to me that he was “happy enough” within his marriage. I took it to mean that the sex was not frequent or exciting enough and perhaps his wife did not give him the validation he was looking for. He later elaborated that he loved me and loved his wife in a “different way”. When I asked him to explain, he stated that he loved me in a romantic way and he loved his wife in a family/best friend way. No, I do not believe that they are unhappy in their marriages. I think that they are comfortable in their marriages and that ending it would be extremely difficult and costly and would make them look like the ‘bad guy’ to kids, family and friends….and they get something from both of us. Their wives fulfill their needs at home and we fulfill something else. They are getting needs met from both and don’t want to give up either one. Why should they if they can get both?

        • Jules

          Excellent point and honest conclusion Anna. I could not agree more.

          I have had many conversations with my ex-mm, that confirms everything you said.

          I still say his rationale is very selfish however, you get what you put up with and during my time with him. I was putting up with it..

        • Sarah

          Anna – yes i understand what you’re saying, my MM has also told me he’s happy in his marriage but what i mean is that i don’t believe they’re 100% happy. I mean, the fact that they go out and cheat proves that. If you were happily in love with someone would you really want someone else? They may be content and happy to an extent but there’s definitely something missing.

          • Anna

            They are not happy people in general. They are looking for someone to make them feel good, happy, alive, anything and they prey on people who have empathy and run them dry. It’s not about their marriages it’s about them. Otherwise they’d leave, any normal person wouldn’t live a life of deceit and hurting so many people.

        • Bells Paws

          Hi Anna- your situation is very like mine. His marriage is not THAT bad, its OK, Overall, he gets a lot from it and its fulfilling: they have a wide social network, extended family and friends and a lot of social outlets they share. He has a lovely big house and 2 lovely children. He and his wife co habite and run the ‘family business” amicably and functionally together. It works well enough and he has too much to lose. Things may not be perfect with his wife (he tells me they haven’t had sex for years) but it could be a lot worse and other than the lack of sex its a satisfying and comfortable set up. He ‘fancies’ me and we have great sexual chemistry and attraction- i make him feel appreciated and wonderful and young! So i feel the situation is very similar to what you describe- he gets his security, social status and comforts met at home- that’s his life and meaning- but he gets his kicks and personal appreciation from me on the side. All together its a great set up for him and i toe the line and fit into this for him, He calls all the shots at his convenience and I am always available. Its true, he has too much to lose and he won;t give it up and I can understand why. He’s been married to her for 25 yrs. I saw some pictures of her- she’s not attractive and has put on weight in recent yrs, but then she is in her 50s and mother to his 2 children. I am a much younger, prettier, slim , fit female who adores and worships him- its all very understandable but its also all very sad and heart breaking for me.

          • Bells Paws

            He has a very high powered and respected job too that gives him status and a lot of fulfilment. His life is good other than the lack of sex- now he gets this from me his life is complete. Its just that after the initial excitement he had, he then made my place all so clear- weekends and evenings are all out of bounds. I can expect no more from him than a fortnightly hook up at his convenience, all his commitment , love and priority lie elsewhere. It came from him lavishing me with compliments and attention to me now having to keep in my place and toe the line. I totally adore him and he knows it. Heartbreaking .

          • Anna

            He always told me that no one made me feel as good as I did and that he loved me like no one else. His wife has put on a lot of weight… well over 100 lbs… and he is not physically attracted to her anymore…. but he still loves her as the mother of his kids and they have a big extended family and social network. At the end of it all he just can’t hurt her and look like the bad guy in front of all those people but he can sure hurt me. It is so maddening. He has done this to me over and over. I know exactly what you are going through. I am so so sorry… I am here for you.

  • Hayley

    I need your strong vibes today ladies.. was doing so well in NC but taken a huge step back which resulted in me lashing out at him and telling him to grow a pair.. his response ? “You’re mental” so that’s it.. all these years boils down to me being “Mental” well I guess the truth hurts for him.. he doesn’t like being called out on his crap!
    I reckon there’s no gong back from this now so it’s probably over for good doubt he will dare contact me again. Sick of pussy footing around these men.. glad I stuck up for myself.
    I know that’s a good thing but it just doesn’t feel like it at the moment so I’ll take the kids football put them to bed, delete his number, have a good cry then it’s back on the NC bandwagon I go.. day 1 here I go..!! Roll on day 600!!!

    • Tricia

      Hi’ Hayley . I think that is a part of the Healing process to release all that built up pain and anger at your Ex Mm at some point iI did it too I called my Ex Mm a ( coward ) which he is he didn’t really care thou and I too deleted his number so I won’t get tempted to ever call him. U should be so proud of yourself because U had the opportunity to continue your affair and U choose not to U are starting to see that U deserve better and not too settle for less ! And when we (ladies ) really see that we can walk away without looking back ! I wish U positive good vibes !!!

    • anna

      I had a similar moment with my mm… where I told him that in the future if he tries to come back…I don’t care where I am or what I am doing, I will not be there for him. I don’t care if I am alone. I am not his backup girl. I wonder if how he would have felt if anyone treated his daughters the way he treated me? Would he be okay with it? It just disgusts me to think about all of it now.

      • Jules

        Anna,

        Funny you should say that about his daughters. My ex mm has one daughter and I said the exact same thing to him. He immediately chose to take my comment as an insult, which is very comical. I told him that I said that as a way to try to squeeze some empathy out of his narcissistic heart. Then I said, “I don’t blame you for being offended. I wouldn’t want my daughter with a married narcissist like you either”.

  • Tricia

    Sue . I couldn’t agree with more girl everything u said is true and what really keep me from going back number 1 reason The feeling of being used or feeling cheap after he lefted he tried to not make me feel that why but I did . But U are Amazing and a Strong woman keep doing U !!!

  • Tricia

    Hi,Marlene. Thank you for responding back. I’m sorry about the lost of your friend and that U couldn’t attend his funeral that must have been heartbreaking . Yes I agree with U married men do know who to target because I wasn’t In a good place when I met my Ex Mm .I must admit I miss him I’m trying to stay strong that’s why I deleted his information so I won’t be tempted to call plus I’m not going to pursue no man and I think that’s what he wants me to do for his EGO nope not happening I do realize I deserved better and I should’ve never settled for a married man because of what I’m going thru now . Until I found this site I felt so alone with this secret that I could share with nobody and I read these ladies stories and it Breaks my Heart that so many ladies are Hurting out there .I do believe In some cases that some of these men really do care about their mistress but cannot afford the lost or risk of getting a divorce .I think U are a strong woman U cut contact something I could never do and yes he is trying to hold on to you but continue to stay strong and be the lovely woman you are !! Good Vibes.

  • anna

    so… for years my mm and his wife have had an oscar party at their home and he always puts on a tuxedo and invites a ton of their friends over.. tonight is oscars night so tonight he’ll be in a tux with a cocktail in his hand… I’ve been keeping busy all weekend but today is hard.
    I can’t just flip a switch like he could. I’m trying. Still practicing NC.

    • Riya

      Sending you hugs Anna. Today is another new day and I hope it’s better for you. The waves of sadness come and go but I guess we are fighting it and moving on a bit by bit, am sure that counts for a lot.

    • Tricia

      Hi,Anna. I feel your pain even thou it’s been 3 1/2 since I last saw my Ex Mm it’s still hurts I miss his presence and the sound of his voice . I spend 2 months just being plain angry and mad at him now I’m mostly sad and I feel abandon and like he just erased me from his life and I’m scared to date anyone right now . I read your post when U said U took your married man back after 2 years well so did I and the sad part Is I feel if I see him again I would fall all over again because I’m so alone and weak to him the only thing keeping me strong Is the N/C and his absent from my life .So Hang In there Anna It Is a rough road but U are so not alone In your journey In Healing and Recovery !! Sending U Positive Good Vibes !!

  • Leigh-ann

    I have been reading the comments on here and I am so glad I found this. I have been going through the break up process as well. My mm lived in another city and came out for business once a month. At first I rebuffed his advances because I did not want to be part of this but somehow I succumbed. I know my part was that I was lonely and it was nice to have the attention. He treated me pretty well when he was here but when he wasn’t sometimes I would not hear from him for a couple of days. I just always wrote it off to being busy with his job and businesses. At first he was so open with his feelings. Telling me he connected with me like no one else and he told me he loved me almost right away. I was thinking yikes that can’t be. But as time went on I grew to care about him. We were together for a year and a half and then just in January he disappears for 5 days and when I hear from him again he says he can’t be in his life right now and that the time we had together was amazing and that he was sure our paths would cross again. I was shocked. He was supposed to come out here in 5 days. He said he needed time and that he was going to miss me but he always had this pain inside he couldn’t explain. Yeah guilt for being an a$$hole. Not only was it 5 days before he was supposed to be here but it was while I was at work over text. Like seriously. You couldn’t actually respect me enough to come face to face or call me. He said that his situation couldn’t change… I think he’s into the it’s cheaper to keep her. It took me a few days to process it all and when I did I wrote him and told him to sort his life out how he needed to. That was 4 weeks ago today. I have cried….. on my way to work on my way home in my home at my work and it has been painful but I knew it was a bad idea and in the end I guess I deserved this for getting involved. I cried this morning as well until I found this. I have read all your comments and it made me finally see things with clarity. It has been 30 days with NC and it’s been hard but I am not giving in. I know that if there was contact the hurt would start all over and I can’t do that. I have a friend who knew the story and she has been a shoulder to cry on. Thank you to everyone here who helped me with my healing. I’m so glad that I am not alone. Also my mm was not a young man with young children. His children were grown and I too have grown children. I was old enough to know better ☹️

    • Xxx

      Hey there, hang in.. 30 days NC is a great achievement and dont give up. The age does not matter at all, we are all humans. But I guess reading all the stories here with no “positive” outcome opens eyes. If it helps, I would never want to re-unite with my mm again. In fact, I regret that part in my life. Although there are some good sides that I can still find in that relationship, it was not worth it. Sending you good vibes! XX

      • Leigh-ann

        Thank you for the good vibes. Today is the first day that I think I am actually starting to feel normal again. It is actually an eye opener when you read there has not been one positive outcome. I am so glad that I have found this site and everyones stories. I don’t feel so alone anymore. I am going into 5 weeks of NC!

        • Xxx

          Bravo for that! Yes, stories are not encouraging at all. But the wives’ stories are also not any nicer. I happened to visit some forums before, maybe that can additionally help you to maintain your NC for good. Xx

  • Jules

    “A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will come to light. Time has a way of showing people’s true colors.”

  • Anna

    Today was the worst day I have had in years. I thought I was doing okay with all of this but today it just kicked in somehow and punched me in the stomach. I made it about 1/3 of the way through my day and broke down. I have NEVER in 20 years lost it at work ever. Therapy appointment Saturday and I can’t wait to start venting…. I feel like my life is falling apart and I hate myself for letting myself get this low and put so much faith in in a fantasy. Riya – my god, you really hit the nail on the head when she spoke of the lack of empathy and how inhumane it feels. One day at a time right now… hope all of you are doing well…. xo

    • Leigh-ann

      I feel your pain Anna. I have been breaking down at work on and off for 4 weeks. I am so hurt but I will make it through. Just know that you are not alone but in your pain and break down at work. Be strong you will make it through. 😊

        • Leigh ann

          Hi Anna. Everyday gets better. I’m coming to the point that I’m just angry. I knew better and plunged head first into situation that was doomed from the start. And angry with him that he just texted me the break up instead of being a man and facing me. I hope that you are feeling better and stronger every day. There will be someone out there that will love us with no deception. 😊

          • anna

            I have those feelings too. I wasted a lot of time on him. Years I won’t yet back. It was a dead end. I had my first therapy appointment today and the counselor helped me with some exercises on mindfulness. Staying in the present moment. We will get through this and be stronger 😊

  • Laurie

    I met my married man at work. He wasn’t at all my type but I was liking a lot his compliment. After he offered a few times to give me a lift home we start to speak on WhatsApp. Day to day he offered me a lot of innocent moments like sunsets or trips without touching me. After 1 month and half I give him a first kiss. One month later we made love. He never promise nothing, he was honest about his situation and I still fall in. We stay together from November last year till 3 days ago when I write to him a beautiful letter where I was saying how much he meant for me but was an also goodbye letter. He called me and ask me if I’m sure about my decision and I replied yes but I was crying, he said don’t forget that I love you but I will never bother you again. I want you to be happy, I want you to choose me . It wasn’t for the first time that I said goodbye, but this time he accepted, he didn’t call or text me . Im in the house, crying because I miss him. I have to tell you that I have 34 years old I broke up after a long relationship of 16 years, but never ever a man did what he did for me, he was loving, caring, worried about me, I like to believe that he truly loved me!

    • Xxx

      Laurie, hi. If he loved you so much he would have chosen you above everything, keep that in mind. If you can manage to accept the odds of a “secret love” and “choosing him” as he suggested while his choice is to stay with his wife and not fighting for your love, but simply letting you go, then keep on going like that. But your decision to stop does not come out of blue, it means you think you deserve more and that is a smart choice. I hope you choose yourself over him. Good luck

      • Laurie

        I’m still waiting for him to fight for me , even deep in my heart I know that is better for me that he doesn’t do it. I didn’t text or call, this is the 4th day, hard for me…..but will be more hard because tomorrow I have to see him at work, and I don’t know how to react or behave. Hopefully I will be the strong women and let my brain speak not my 💓.
        Thanks for the kind words XXx

        • Tricia

          Hi ,Laurie ! If u truly ready for N/C then good for you Sweetie ! But if not you probably won’t follow thru on it you have to want the relationship over or just plain tired of him and the ups and downs . But I’m sending you positive vibes stay strong !

  • anna

    So ladies… I have to update you… I have been doing so good with NC that I didn’t even realize my mm wrote me 7 hours ago. In it he said that he never meant to hurt me, he knows his actions did not make any sense and that he was incredibly conflicted, he woke up every single day obsessing over what he was doing to everyone. He knew he was not giving me what I deserved… that he has never been so connected to anyone, and he kept lying to himself that he was making me happy over and over again. He now realizes he was ripping me to shreds and that he was a child for thinking he could make me happy and then go home and make his family happy. He said that he hates that he has changed me from the lively, loving person I once was and that he is having trouble living with himself. he closed it by saying that he hopes I find some peace on a vacation that I have planned coming up in May and he wishes it were sooner (obviously alluding to the fact that this is goodbye). Honestly, to me it didn’t feel genuine… who apologizes by email after all this time has passed? So they can quickly turn the page of this messy chapter and go back to their “real life” with their families intact. I’m extremely angry with him but won’t give him the satisfaction of a response. There’s a special place in hell for these men…

    • Tricia

      Hi, Anna . Well at least he tried and had some type of remorse it’s never to late for an apology or closure . My Ex Mm would never give me proper apology or closure even when I express my thoughts to him about how he left his response is ( Damn Really ?) That was the fuel I needed to delete his number and his lovely texts when things were good . So oh well . Stay Strong the best Is yet to come !!

    • Xxx

      Great Anna for not replying! How he remembered to write an apologising letter just before your holiday when you are expected to have a great time and can potentially meet someone worth your attention. Sometimes it is very easy to recognize the behavioral patterns of these men if we are not blinded by obsessing over them. Let them be out of our sight and out of our mind, indifference is the best revenge.

    • Tammy

      Anna, Your anger is keeping you strong and is exactly what you should be!! He’s baiting you wt that email to see where you are, continue to be strong wt your NC. This a game for them since they are bored at home, if they wanted out they could!! People get divorced daily and go after what they truly want, these men are users and love attention!! Be strong, you deserve better and it will come along!!

      • Jules

        Yes Anna. I agree with everything Tammy said.
        She is 100% correct.

        People get divorced everyday and they go after what they want. Our mm don’t really want us, or they would be with us.

        Thank you Tammy. I am going through a rough patch today. What you said to Anna helped me.

        • Tammy

          Jules, I am glad I could help even if it was a just a bit, stay strong wt the no contact and anger is us waking up and taking back our control!! There are men out there that will move mountains for us but if we are busy entertaining MM we will be unavailable to find what was truly meant for us!! We deserve something better than someone else’s husband, we all fall at times but it’s now time to pick ourselves up and know we deserve and can find better!!

  • Tricia

    Belle Paws . Please cancel your meeting with your married man Wed. I know U miss him and want his attention and love. But he only gonna take U to bed a couple of times and leave U feeling like trash later on when he leave and go back to his wife and the sad part is you’ll be wanting more of him knowing that U deserve better and that U settled for crumbs ! I know how hard it is to let go because we invested our lives into these married men and some of these men sold us ladies a pipe dream but that all it is a dream that will never be reality. I remember every time my Ex Mm came over I had lingerie on smelling good ,food if he wanted it and I would scrub that man body down girl and In the end that meant nothing to him and he left me . I hope U realize what U are doing and change your mind U deserve so much better and a man u can bring home and introduce to family and friends and be proud of calling him your man and he make U a priority always .

  • Heather

    Day 3 of NC. I got on this site looking for guidance and clarity because I am scared of being this sad for the rest or my life. A little back story and complete honesty, please don’t judge: 11 Years ago I started an affair with an old high school friend after our mutual friend was killed in a car accident. We leaned on each other for support and ultimately entered what would turn into a a full blown unexpected love affair. The physical attraction wasn’t even there at first and I guess that is why I felt safe having lunches, shopping and then the casual “have you ever been to the mountains this time of the year.” Before we knew it we were traveling a lot, and finding ourselves yearning to always be together at any costs. As months went by we both decided we wanted to be together and divorce our spouses but we had young children and had planned to wait. Six years into the affair his wife ask him for a divorce, not because she found out about the affair but because of her claims of verbal and emotional abusive. I have been at the receiving end of this from time to time with him so there is a ring of truth behind it. When his wife filed for divorce he expected me to leave immediately. To be honest, I was scared to give up the lifestyle I was use to. My husband was the breadwinner, my daughter was in private school and we enjoyed nice things. The thought of disrupting her life for my happiness was something I couldn’t bring myself to do. I eventually shut off contact with him. He eventually entered Alcohol treatment for 3 months. We had no contact for over a year. when he was released he contacted me because I was part of his step program to make amends with someone he wronged. He had remarried someone and I was still married myself. The affair started again. This time was different, our kids were older and I was ready to be with this person that I thought was the love of my life. A year into the “new” affair I left my husband and filed for divorce. He was still married but promised by the end of the year he would leave. Here I am three years later and he still hasn’t left. He says he still wants me but just “doesnt have a time frame.” He gets mad at me when I go out with friends or take girl trips. I havent touched another man nor do I want to but he gets jealous of the mention of one. I am lonely and tired of being second in his life. Planning trips only to have him cancel them or cut short for various reasons. He can’t hide money from her so I basically pay for everything with exception of the occasional fast food. This week I finally told him how i feel and the verbal abuse started so I have ended contact with him and blocked him. I want to stop this cycle of co dependency. I want to finally put a period to this. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. He’s been my confidant nearly every day for the last 11 years with exception to the year he went to rehab and got married, even typing that sounds pathetic. It’s not sexual, most times he can’t even perform. The past few years we have been intimate about 3 times a year. I guess I am looking for someone to tell me he was using me, he was never leaving this woman, he’s abusive and yea I’ve been a fool. I know all this but it doesnt make this feel any better.

    • Tricia

      Hi, Heather. No one can judge U here because we all are there or been there . We all feel like we lost a best friend In these men but there really not our BEST FRIENDS ! It’s just the feeling of being connected to someone the closeness we felt . But the reality Is we are a temporary fix’s sold on a dream of what could have been everybody get used and play the fool U know the song so did get hung up on that. It’s nothing U can do to change the past just accept your affair and try to forgive yourself and all the pain your married man gave U and that will take along time but it is possibly . Know your worth U don’t need a man too validate U or complete U ! U are a wonderful woman who have alot to offer your man Is out there waiting on you to give you the relationship U so desire and put U first . Stay Strong It’s Struggle but God got U Girl !!

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Heather,
      No need to worry about judgement here . We all have a story. We are not here to judge, we are here to offer support & guidance to one another.

      Eleven years is a long time, but think about the way he makes you feel. He isn’t living up to his end of the promises, and if he is verbally abusive to you he will only get worse with time. You don’t want that life. I was married to a man for 10 years who physically & verbally abused me, and honestly the verbal abuse was worse than the physical. The physical pain healed, but the verbal will remain with you the rest of your life. I’ve been divorced from my ex-husband for 15 years now and I can still hear him telling me how ugly I looked or how he wanted to bite my head off, chew it up and spit it out. The men don’t get better with time, they get worse. Much worse.

      The way he is treating & using you when it’s convenient for him is not love. You deserve love.

      You wrote him off once before, and you have the strength to do it again. This time, tell him it’s forever.

      Keep your head held high & know your worth!

      XO

    • Hayley

      Heather – 14 years for me so I feel your pain.. he kept seeking me out. I also want out.. day 2 for me after I managed 3 months NC and was feeling better. NC needs to be permanent, esp in our situations where these men have been around for a long time. I wish I could go back to the time I was happy without him never thought of him.. I want to go back to that place and can’t wait for it to happen but it will if we stop going back to the crime scene.
      Let’s do this together once and for all.. then later down the line it will be them full of regrets.

    • Anna

      Heather,
      No judgment here. My affair has been 7 years and also on and off. My mm told his wife about me, we went sort of a modified version NC for 2 years and then started back up. We resumed for 2 years and he has now confessed to his wife again and we are NC again! Everyone here has a story. We get addicted to the pain of being with these men and can’t see past it. This forum has been a godsend. I have had moments where I cry in the shower but I have also had moments of clarity and a feeling of relief. Hang on because every day gets better.

  • Bells Paws

    Hi all you lovely ladies who deserve so much better than a MM! Well, I ended it and went NC for 4 weeks! I was so pleased with myself. I swung from sadness to anger but still I did it and knew i’d done the right thing. Anyway, we have this fixed commitment coming up in a few days time that has been arranged for ages, its formal and kind of a professional thing. I wasn’t sure if he’d cancel it or contact me about it, but he dropped me a line to ask if i still wanted his input. TBH, it put me in a difficult position as its an important thing that means a lot to me and he had offered to help me with his specialised services for free which is a massive help. But then, it meant contact with him again. I hesitatingly accepted his offer and told myself to keep my distance and all my communication brisk and business like. We had to discuss it a lot on the phone and now i feel i’ve totally fallen for him all over again and all my resolve has gone. out of the window. I know, it won’t take much for him to get me back. I so don’t want it but i so do. I have such strong feelings for him, he is the man of my dreams and its so hard to resist. We have to meet on Thursday and ive bought a new top to wear for him. What shall i dooooooooooooooo???????????!!!!!!!! Ahhhh,i can feel myself getting all back into things all over again…..

    • JeepGirl

      Bells Paws,
      Oh sweetness don’t do it!! That man knows what he’s doing & he has you right back where he wants you!

      Think about how you felt when he broke you! You don’t want to go through that all over again!

      You’ve come so far!

      He is not the man of your dreams because the man of your dreams wouldn’t do this to you!!

      I am so praying you don’t meet up with him! Remember how much it hurt when he broke you!!

      Stay strong!
      XO

  • Sophia

    Day 1 of NC. 8 months of believing this MZm loved me. Knew each other 30 years ago. Contacted me out of the blue but obviously looking for s conquest! I fell for his lies—lonely widow, very attractive, fit, successful, etc. I believed he was the man I loved 30 years ago! Was I wrong! This guy is out for sex—but lied that we were lovers & soul mates. Spent Xmas & Valentines alone. He recently went away in a business trip & said he was too busy to call me. What crap! When we met in NY for his birthday, it became apparent that he has problems “down there.” He masturbated in front of me. I was so disgusted! I feel that he’s a pig, & told him I’m done. The sex has become boring & unsatistifying. So I told him enough! My issue is forgiving myself for allowing myself—a highly educated professional! — to fall for his line of crap! I do not wish to see him or talk to him again! I feel sorry for getting involved- he lied about his status- & feel so sorry for his wife. As I said, he’s a pig in my eyes, and I am fortunate that life has other plans for me. My advice: do not believe the cheating MM. He will lie to get you hooked. Run!!! Nothing but heartache, guilt, anger, pain. Dump him now!!!

    • Jules

      Hang in there Sophia. It really does get better. You realize how much you were looking at your phone, the arranging your life around your affair. All of it gets better. You stop looking at your phone so much and start paying attention to what’s going on around you.
      In other words you start living your own life. A real life.
      What helps me now Is remembering the reason why I started to wake up after a 9 month affair. Originally he was complaining about his wife and after about 6 months with me, he started getting quieter about his wife. I realized I was enabling him to stay in an unfulfilling marriage. In other words I was being completely used. I told him that “I am not a bottle of gin, or a carnival ride to take your mind off your life. I’m a real human being”. So sad that I felt like I even had to say that!. I think Tricia recently made reference to the same thing.
      I have been devastated by this affair and it has been 3 weeks since no contact but I’m already feeling better.
      I’m definitely waking up. As if I was in some sort of 9 month addiction dream .

      I feel better now that I am not being used. I feel better that I am living my real life and able to concentrate on my life.
      Do I feel spiteful glee that now he has to deal with his own crap? Yes
      .However, I am sure bitch boy is already on to his next “extramarital rodeo” my words to him, referring to him his chronic infidelity.
      Stay strong Sophia .

      Hugs! Jules

  • anna

    hello everyone. 2 days NC. I have a long way to go. I got an email from his wife last night that came from his account. His wife obviously has his phone. His wife called me all kinds of names and said that I was as low as it gets, and told me that she had already lost one husband to death and I was not “taking this one”. So she is not letting go even after knowing he has done this to her for a decade.. I had prepared myself for this for a long time and done a lot of reading on this site and a lot of reading about NPD, trauma bonding etc. Of course nothing can fully prepare until you are in it and I have had some ups and downs. I am used to having my phone in my hand 24/7 and the messages coming through, we have truly been best friends and that’s the part that I’m going to struggle with constantly I’m afraid. How have you all dealt with losing your best friend? I’m going to get online tomorrow and search for a therapist that deals in this area and make an appointment, also I’m on a couple of medications that are helping. Overall not doing too bad but he’s definitely on my mind. Hoping this gets better day by day.

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Anna,
      Day 2 is better than none, so don’t let that discourage you!
      Did you reply to the wife? Don’t let the name calling bring you down. Even though he is the one who stepped out out on the marriage, she sees you as the enemy. It’s the same way in my situation. They blame us.
      Definitely look into a therapist. I had to do the same. Every day is a step in the right direction. Stay strong!
      XO

      • anna

        Hi JeepGirl,
        I did reply to her. I said what I needed to say to her, but it won’t matter. She will blame me for everything. And the minute he told her was the minute he discarded me, vanished, and moved on. I’ve had some moments where I’ve felt highly anxious and I miss him…..the evenings are the worst because that was ‘our time’ when we would talk for hours.

        • JeepGirl

          Anna,
          I get it. Late at night is the worst for me because that’s when he would contact me. It took me awhile to realize I was worth more than a late night conversation with a man who was going to bed with another woman after he was done talking to me.

          I have my good and bad days. Today was one of my more difficult days, and I don’t even know why. But, the more time that goes by, the more I see how little I meant to him. More than anything else, I am mad at myself for falling for him & his lies. I am a mature, educated woman who knew better, so even though I’m angry with him, I am very angry with myself too.

          One question you can ask yourself when you find yourself missing him is…

          Do I miss who he was, or di I miss who I wanted him to be?
          As for me, I don’t miss the half of a man he offered me, I miss the man he told me he was.

          I hope you are healing well tonight.
          XO

      • Xxx

        JeepGirl, the wife blames you and you take it badly because you never got to walk in her shoes. My mm’s wife has told me that he said to her that I was haunting him and she felt determined that no hunting girl would destroy her marriage. I would probably do the same if I was served the same story by my husband. Even maybe if I were not, because these men make you so addicted and crazy that you do anything to keep them. The wives have more right in these situations, especially as their creepy husbands do not want to leave them – they can but won’t. The only way is to help ourselves and get out. In my case the wife got out too and listening to her story, it just makes me more guilty for deliberately being part of someone’s suffer.

        • JeepGirl

          Xxx,
          Oh I know why she blames me, and I’ve never once blamed her for that. I have been in her shoes, 15 years ago I was the wife being cheated on. I’ve been on both sides of the fence and both suck.

          You are right, they can leave but they don’t. That says a lot. As the ow we fail to see the lies and manipulation because we want to believe we are the one worthy of his love. Truth be told, both of us deserve so much more than him.

          • Xxx

            Definitely! They deserve to stay without any of us for they are betraying bastards. They think they are so smart playing the games and playing with our minds and emotions, but the truth is that they are not smart at all. We recognize their manipulative behavior but we choose to pretend that we are blind until one day we realise we are above those childish games. I believe that in a certain amount of time we will be grateful for this lesson and be more appreciative of someone who gives us their full attention and love. And one day when these creeps come to check on us and try to bring us back in the cycle (and I’m sure they will) we will be like “wtf was I wasting my energy on in the past”. I am already in this state of mind..what a waste of my time and tears!

    • Xxx

      Hi Anna, I hope you don’t really think that he is your best friend. They pretend to be, but they are not. They sell you down the river when it is convenient for them and they don’t defend you in front of their wife. They use you, abuse you psychologically and emotionally and leave you to pick up the pieces of yourself all by yourself. The best friend would not put you in such a position in the first place. But you got all the anwers you need already, you are doing well. Two days now, two days in two days equals four and so on. I used to draw lines on my mirror for every day I stayed no contact. I dont need that counting anymore. I cry when I feel so and it is mostly grieving my happiness in the past. But I dealt with a true narcissist and a pathological liar with no empathy nor remorse, so it wasn’t easy at all to get out (he even tried to hoover and I expect more of it in the future). Just understand it as an addiction which can be broken. If you would like to read something helpful and inspiring while beating the NC, I suggest The untathered soul” by Michael Singer. Enjoy!

    • Tricia

      Anna. I’m so sorry U are In so much pain U must feel numb right now. Nothing but time well Heal your Broken Heart and U will never forget your Ex Mm or your affair but U will come out of this a stronger woman because of this experience everything happens for a reason even If we don’t understand at that time . God will not give us somebody else husband regardless of what condition they marriage is in and what the married man say !! Work on yourself love yourself and be kind to yourself we all make mistake ! Wishing U all the Best In your Recovery .

    • PeggySue

      Hi Anna,
      I think that once you realize these MM’s were not really our best friends, then it’s easy. A best friend wouldn’t do what they do/did. We were friends to them, but I don’t think it’s the other way around.

      *Yes*, we miss the constant contact and the rush of it all, but they were not our friends, and that is the bottom line. We miss the constant contact that we got so used to, but they were not our best friends. You will get used to not looking at your phone constantly. You will get used to not having your phone with you no matter where you are in your own home etc.

      When I think back to how I would rearrange my schedule and wait around for him every day, it makes me sick.

      I wish you luck with therapy. I did it myself a while back. Talking to someone who lets you just talk on and on (at least I did) is helpful. Wishing you the best.

  • Anonymous38

    Ladies…I have to update you…so I was curious about what my ex-mm is commenting on FB….so I found a comment from 4 years ago…he said his “girl”( even tho thats is wife) knows that he likes thick big butt woman…so she takes him to strip clubs or “live shows”-his words-to see thick big butt woman…she’s a very petite woman, very skinny,…I dont know what to think about this…she does this for him..and he still cheats…Im a dark skin, beautiful curvy woman
    I guess thats why..but that doesnt justify his behavior…

    Anyway, I imagined their relationship to be a match made in heaven and always wondered why he cheated on her…Now I fully understand why?! She’s an insecure woman with low self-esteem who allows his foolish behavior…I no longer feel sorry for her…or should I?

    Tell me what you think ladies…

  • JeepGirl

    Hello all!
    JeepGirl here. Just want to tell all of you…if you would like to connect on a more personal level & exchange information so that we can help each other through this when we need immediate words of wisdom & encouragement, please feel free to email me @ fortheloveoflittles@yahoo.com

    This blog & you all have been so healing for me.
    We do not have to go through this alone.
    XO

  • Tricia

    Hi, Marlene. Thanks for sharing your story I totally how U feel my Ex Mm never told me how he feel either and I too settled for crumbs for years !! I accept his BS and never asked for nothing but honest and tell me when U leaving so I won’t waste my time . I was raised by my father because my mother died when I was 10 my father was a good provider but never told me I was special and how a man should treat me until I got way older in life and he saw me crying all the time .It’s been 4 months N/C with Mm until I texted him yesterday and told him a piece of my mind I had to do it not that he care thou . U stay strong and don’t let him back In your life I know it’s hard but these married men really don’t care about Us and our feelings I don’t regret my affair this whole experience has taught me alot I will never deal with a married man again their not really truthful and will tell U anything to get in the bed with U !! No future with them no way!! And when they get tired of playing games with U they’ll leave eventually they always do when you least expecting it !! I hope everything workout for you don’t be so hard on yourself be kind to yourself we all make mistakes self love always !!

    • Marlene

      Hi Tricia. Thank you for the supportive words and how devastating this has been for you. MM I think have a sixth sense of who to choose for their affairs. We must give off a vibe of loneliness especially. How receptive we are to them probably has some bearing on whether they keep pursuing us. Women who haven’t been brought up in homes where there is severe neglect by both parents would likely have stronger boundaries with these guys.

      You can go to counseling for years and years yet this feeling of not being good enough for anyone follows me everywhere. Falling for the MM charms keeps happening. This is my second one. The first one died of cancer. Because I was a big secret from everyone in his life, I never even went to his funeral. He lived in another state & got away with lying to me that he lived with another woman. But oh he loved me so much!! We were going to get married, etc. Yikes I wanted to believe it even though my gut was saying something felt off.

      I have gone NC with this MM but unlike you I didn’t text to give him a piece of my mind. I just ghosted. Not even the sign of a cricket. I feel really good about that inside. It was only after months of crying and sleepless nights, that I finally made a firm decision.

      He keeps texting about his hard times like death in family (which by the way I think is fabricated as no obituary anywhere for this person). And he never once told me they had cancer for many years! I suspect it’s just a desperate attempt for attention on his part.

      I hope you are holding out on the NC – it’s not easy! Sounds like you are strong.

  • anna

    My mm called me today and left me a message on my voicemail that he had confessed everything to his wife. Everything…. where we met, the trips we had been on together, everything. He said that he knew that I was thinking about telling her so he wanted to save me the trouble and at the very end of it he said that he was not going to leave her. We had been having a bunch of emotional conversations, Valentine’s day was really bad, and we stayed on the phone for hours last night. I guess he finally had enough. I have let myself get so low, but I knew that the end was coming and I knew all along he would never leave her – he even told me at one point that he would let her kick him out before he would choose to be with me and still I have stayed with him! Yet I have hung on to this and not voluntarily gone NC because I am so hooked into this man. Now that he has used me up, the final discard so he can go back to his wife. And, this is the second time he has told her about us. The first time was in 2013. We have now been seeing each other on and off for a total of 6-7 years. I am not sure what kind of woman would stay with a man who has been deceiving her this long who has been in love with another woman for close to 7 years. I knew he was not going to initiate a divorce because, even though he told me that I made him happier than anyone ever, even though I knew that was all part of the love bombing and I had started to realize who he really was a long time ago. And I was so angry over how he was hurting me over and over again. As for the wife….she is not a bad person, and I do not harbor ill will for her, I’m sorry about what his wife is going through over this, but it absolutely infuriated me that he would let me fall apart and keep his “real life” together at any cost. I know that this is the best thing for me.. and I do feel relief. But it’s going to be a long road ahead. This man was my dysfunctional best friend and love. I hope I get through this.

    • JeepGirl

      Anna,
      You WILL get through this!

      One question I ask myself often is, why did I allow myself to settle for scraps of him? Any time he could give me I jumped on, but the times when I needed him he wasn’t there. He was home with her. The reality of it was an eye-opener. I was not his priority. She was. It was always her & her needs that mattered most. Yes, he tried to make us both happy, but only so he could have both, and when it came to either her or I, he chose her.

      That’s a tough pill to swallow. That’s a real hit to the self-esteem. That is one of the biggest things that woke me up from the Dreamland I was in. The Dreamland where I was who mattered most, the Dreamland where he was my soulmate, the Dreamland where we married and lived happily ever after, the Dreamland he sold me and I bought. The worst investment I have ever made. It cost me my self worth, my dignity, my morals, my values, and my time. Time that I can never get back.

      Like your situation, my ex-mm told his wife about me, the difference is that mine continued to tell me he was leaving her and we we’re going to share our life together. He literally begged me not to let go of our love. It wasn’t until I talked to his wife that I found out he was also begging her not to leave him. Even after finding this out, he came to me and told me she was lying to me because she didn’t want us together. He even sent me videos he recorded telling me how she lied. I fell for it one last time. The next time his wife contacted me I sent her those videos. She continues to fight for their marriage. I don’t know how because if my husband told me he was in love with another woman I’d leave immediately, and I did just that in my marriage 15 years ago. She told me it is her faith in God that keeps her fighting for him. I believe in God. I always have. But, what I don’t believe in is being some man’s doormat. She and I were both his doormat. One year of it was more than enough for me.

      It has been 17 days since I have been in contact with him. Ten days ago he text me a 63 page text telling me he won’t give up on us, but I never responded. Yes, I think about him and miss him every day, at least who I thought he was, but there is strength in letting go. I no longer feel used, taken advantage of. I no longer feel like his fool.

      We will all get through this. One thing I know for certain, I will never ever respond to any mm who messages me. If I ever receive a message, call, or text from another mm, I will respond by telling him “never” with a copy of it sent to his wife.

      I am done being the ow. I know my worth, and I will settle for nothing less than an honest, loving, SINGLE man.

      We HAVE to be strong ladies!

      We all think our story is different, but the only thing different about any of our stories is his name.

      • Anna

        JeepGirl,

        Your mm must be very torn. There’s a lot of dysfunction in that marriage. I know there’s a lot of dysfunction in my mm’s marriage also, and sometimes I don’t know what to believe. I got so mentally exhausted struggling to understand the disparities between his actions and his words, the differences between his love for me vs her that I couldn’t enjoy the small amount of time we had together. It was tired of obsessing and staring at my phone all the time waiting for him for him to come through for me, while he was playing happy family. He would give me whatever leftover time he could and then pat himself on the back saying he was just trying to make me happy. And I now that he did really think he was trying in his own way. I am three days NC now. I know he won’t contact me because his wife and daughters rule every aspect of his life. How are you doing with NC, JeepGirl? I have brief moments of anxiety, no crying yet which is odd, I think I’m all cried out over him really. I have had a few urges to text him and lash out, but I haven’t. I’m just so grateful for this page.

  • Jules

    16 days N/C. I’m doing a little bit better but I think it’s because of the antidepressant I’m on. Before I started taking medication I would have uncontrollable sobbing for at least 30 minutes. Now it comes over me but it doesn’t last more than, maybe, a minute or less.
    One thing that has started are nightmares. I never get nightmares. It might be the anti-depressant but in any case they are horrible. They’re always about my mm.
    They aren’t every night but they are frequent, probably 3 to 4 times a week.
    One nightmare a few days ago, I dreamt that his wife was pregnant. We are all in our fifties so I know that’s not the case but I felt so upset.
    Last night I dreamt that he was walking toward me to kiss me. Suddenly his face turned into a demon, similar to the exorcist movie. As he got close to me and his face with changing, I did not feel fear. I felt anger and I felt like I wanted to hurt him. In my dream I bit his lower lip and then I woke up.
    My anger was bigger than my fear in spite of the horrific looks on his face.

    I don’t know what that means but I hope it means I’m getting better. I’m going out to visit my sister in Phoenix this week.
    Stay strong everyone. Everyday I thank God for this website.
    Hugs to all of you!
    Jules

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Jules,
      So glad to hear you are doing better! Each new day you remain in NC is an achievement! There is nothing wrong with having to take an antidepressant. I too have had to take one, and I am thankful it has helped me in my healing.

      Your dreams are probably a result of the new medication. Be sure to mention it to your doctor. He/She may be able to find one that works better for you. Myself, I dream often but have only had one dream related to my ex-mm. Why? I don’t know if it is the reason, but I pray not to have them. I am on day 14 of NC.

      Enjoy your getaway & stay strong!

      XO

  • Anna

    hello everyone. i hope all of you did well through valentines day.. horrible day isn’t it. well it was horrible for me anyway.. but maybe it was what i needed to get to where i finally need to be. i have decided i have had enough of where i am and decided to finally do NC. i am tired of hearing weakness and his bitch boy tears. yes that is what i call it. i feel like my life is getting worse and worse and every time we talk he says the same thing. his voice falls to a whisper and then he dissolves into tears like a little whiny bitch and he cries about how he can’t leave her! it makes me sick and disgusts me what i have become to let myself listen to this and stay with a man like this. how low have i let myself go. i am a strong woman in my career and have raised a daughter on my own who is in college. how did i convince myself that THIS is love? yesterday was valentines day and i had a horrible day at work. he didn’t send me flowers, a gift, or even a card. i asked him if he was going out with her and he told me that she had arranged for them to go out with two women who had lost their husbands last year because she ‘felt sorry for them’. so he put up the facade of being a good husband for his sham marriage and two women who don’t have a husband instead of being with me and couldn’t even think to send me a flower…i’m one of the women people feel sorry for i guess… i was up all night last night…. and up early today… i am just done. today he blew up my phone all day and i told him this is not love and to leave me alone. Honestly I do understand why women get to the point of telling the wife. Not to hurt them at all but to cut this toxic relationship off so there is no going back to it. I have gone back so many times because of the addiction. And I need to cut this off and figure out a way that I can never go back to it. He won’t tell her, he’s too much of a coward. No, I’m not going to tell her, but I can understand how other women do. So right now I’m going NC and blocking him. He is so manipulative… I pray that I have the power to stick to this. I hope all of you are doing well.

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Anna.

      You are right, Valentine’s day is hard. I just had to keep reminding myself that it is just another day that revolves around commercialism.

      Good for you for telling him to leave you alone & deciding on NC! Next time he blows your phone up don’t give him the satisfaction of answering! Let him worry & wonder! We need to give them a taste of their own medicine!
      My ex-mm did the same…repeat the same excuses over & over again. It got old.
      What he has shown me is that he’s an excellent liar & manipulator. Such wonderful characteristics to be proud of, huh?!?

      You asked how you convinced yourself that was love. But, you didn’t convince yourself, HE convinced you! These mm know just what to say to keep us hanging on. It sickens me that I was so lost in love I fell for it. Lesson learned.

      I am praying for you to have strength & keep up NC. You can do this!!!!
      XO

  • Tricia

    Hi,Jeep girl . I’m so proud of U for standing firm and not responding to him ! I know how hard that is to do and don’t give in you deserve so much better ! I been without my Ex Mm for 4 months ! And N/C too I must admit I think of him sometimes but mostly I get anger about how he choose to leave just ghost me ! I tried to leave him many times but he would never let me and I was weak for him and never ignored his calls or texts so it was so easy for him to fade away at times I feel like food he ate and threw away in the trash and never looked back so that Is my struggle feeling like trash . I will never date a married man again yeah I felt good while I was with him but it came at a high cost 7 years of my life I settled for crumbs ! I remember I asked him for his shirt something to remember him by I never got it I felt so hurt [ LIKE DAMN I CAN’T EVEN GET A OLD ASS T SHIRT ? My friend said he probably thought u want to do voodoo or witchcraft REALLY ? Yesterday was not a good day lucky I have people to talk to without judge me. And his office up the street girl so I’ll see his ASS again ! Anyway I think alot of these married men should get a divorce from their wives because they don’t love her or respect her anymore ! Some wives have deal breakers and cheating may be one to divorce some wives don’t believe In divorce and don’t want to admit their marriage have failed and beyond repair . I think U are a strong woman and U will get pass this it just take time but please don’t give In and go back your wonderful man Is out there waiting ………

    • JeepGirl

      Tricia, Thank you for the response & encouragement! You have to be very proud for going 4 months without contact! I dream of the day when I can say the same.

      Though I am doing better, every day is a struggle. Every song reminds me of him. He is the first man I have loved in over 10 years. Before him I didn’t even know what I was missing. My struggle is not in refraining from contacting him, because I would never do that now. I refuse to ever contact him again. That I have no problem with. My struggle is forgetting him, and maintaining NC when he contacts me. It is always at night when he contacts me, so every night when I lay my head down I wonder. I hate it. The feeling of not knowing. I just want it all to go away. I wish none of it had ever happened.

      I know your feeling of being weak all too well. Until recently I had never ignored his calls or texts either. It was because I didn’t want to play some game, but ultimately I had to stop responding. It was messing with me with mentally & physically. I stopped eating & functioning as I normally would. My happiness was dependant upon him. I was consumed by him and the love I thought I knew. The love I thought we shared. Once I was able to be on the outside looking in, through every one else’s story here, I woke up. I was just another woman fooled by a mm. Another mm who wanted to have his cake & eat it too.

      It angers me to know the truth of it all, because I gave him so very much of me. Just like the Halsey song “Without Me” says, he took advantage of me. Another song I now associate to him is, “Jar of Hearts.” When I feel really angry, I climb in my Jeep & crank those two songs up & hit the highway. It is one way I cope. It keeps me from bottling up the anger.

      I will never date a mm again. Never. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, and I certainly won’t subject myself to it again.
      It is so hard for me to comprehend how you held on for 7 years. One year was more than enough for me.

      You too are strong! So keep your head up & remember your worth! When you do find true love, your ex-mm will be so very sorry he did what he did!

      XO

  • Marlene

    I have been in NC with MM at work. Gradually I had started a slow fade as I just couldn’t do cold Turkey. Tried many times but I always broke down & called him

    Looking back, i realize he only ever gave me crow’s scraps for attention. I feel like a total loser for putting up with the breadcrumbs for so long. Obviously I have no self- love at all.

    At the start thought i could handle it just being “casual”. Some days it felt i was. This man never said he loved me, cared about me or that he was ever leaving his wife. A few times he said ” I like you” so it appears he had no feeling for me at all. And I stuck around for a lot less than other ladies on this forum.

    He texts me still out of the blue to which I have only responded once. He suddenly wanted to make great efforts to come into town to pick me up during a snowstorm, then drive me home. Can anybody make sense of this? This is probably the ONLY great effort he has ever made for me. In any event I wrote back saying thanks but I have a ride.

    I have a counselor who I’ve seen for many years but obviously it has not done me an ounce of good. My father gave me zero attention & instead preferred to chase women around, but fancy cars etc. Mom was in psychiatric hospital most of her life. No bond with her either. Have had 2 long term relationships but they ended due to my requests.

    Dont feel any hope for myself. If another friendly MM came around I would surely be tempted. But I’ll try to be strong.

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Marlene,
      So sorry you are hurting, sweetness. You settled for less, yes, but do not beat yourself up. These mm know exactly what to say to manipulate us. They prey on our vulnerabilities! Don’t let that man lower your self worth! You are a strong woman with a lifetime of greatness ahead of you!

      First, don’t give that man the satisfaction of a response from you. He doesn’t deserve a second of your future! Then start working on your self-esteem. Go get a new hairstyle, exercise, buy yourself a beautiful bouquet of flowers, go get a mani & a pedi, buy yourself a new outfit or two, spend time doing things you enjoy most! Invest in you! Investing in ourselves will always pay off!!

      Do you journal? Journaling is one way I release my pain & anger from my ex-mm. Also, find positive affermations, write them down & post them all over your house. Post a note on your mirror that says, “I am beautiful!” then look at yourself in that mirror every morning & read that to yourself. Make the screensaver on your phone read “I am worthy of more than him!” Or “I deserve better!” Then every time he or any other unworthy man contacts you it will be a reminder that you shouldn’t answer because you deserve better!

      Get mad & find your worth! Decide that no man is going to make you feel less than ever again!

      I am praying for you!
      You got this, beautiful one!!
      XO

  • Sarah

    So after a month and a half of no contact and a week after his wife has just given birth to their baby – the married man has contacted me today! What an a$$hole! They never do change do they.

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Sarah,
      Wow. So ridiculous. These men have no shame. Did you respond to him? I know how hard it is not to. Mine contacted me after 11 days NC and thankfully I fought off the urge to respond, but it was not easy.
      I hope you are doing well.
      XO

      • Sarah

        Hey Jeep Girl – yes unfortunatley i reponded 🙁
        Good on you! Its hard to ignore them when they contact u so you should be proud of yourself. Its soo annoying coz i was doing fine without him and then BAM he just turns up into my life once again.

        • JeepGirl

          Sarah,
          Don’t beat yourself up for responding. I did that many times in the past. Find, I am in a good place. You will be too.
          I know how hard it is to not respond. It’s the worst feeling. But these mm know that. They know exactly what they are doing & how to keep us hanging.
          Take your power back!
          You have the strength to do this!!
          Let me know how you are doing.
          Praying for you!!
          XO

  • Tricia

    Hi, Xxx. I’m sorry your in so much pain . I feel bad your Ex Mm is in so much pain right now but understand U are not the cause of his marriage ending yeah U played your part but he drove U to do what U did and I know U feel bad about that but chances are his marriage was already broken and he probably should’ve divorce her along time ago . I did read on [ TB] and I believe with time this all shall pass as painful as it is. Try to forgive yourself and your Ex Mm girl pray for him because he really Is a lost soul right now. Don’t regret your affair because U can’t change the past and Experience Is a Good Teacher we all make mistakes. Be Kind To yourself and love yourself ! I hope U find a wonderful man one day !! Oh and Ex Mm was around somewhere I saw his car but I’m not going there…..

  • Tricia

    Jeep girl. That must be painful awkward to run into your Ex Mm or his wife at school when pick up your children . All these married men try to keep their mistress at arm distance so they can keep a eye on you .I read your story about telling your married man wife about the affair and U said why does she still hang on ? My opinion because [1] She loves her husband [2] She know about you and don’t won’t to lose him to U so that make her hold on to him even tighter so in other word Dear U helped their marriage out without even knowing . U know I remember when my Ex Mm would leave after visiting me sometimes he would walk like he didn’t have a care in the world while I felted every emotion and I see him and how he acted sometimes that is when I realized that he really didn’t have a care In the world when it came to me because I wasn’t his reality I was his release from his reality which was his wife and family I didn’t add no value to his life that’s why It was so easy for him to disappear on me. Ladies say trauma bond others words[ Toxic relationship ] I read on that and it can be brokening it’s just a process .Don’t be so hard on yourself for believing In him and loving him those are Good Quantity In you that makes you a caring person please try to forgive yourself and I know It sound stupid but don’t your affair even if it wasn’t good all the time this experience with your married man Is a Good Teacher and you will be alot stronger because of it everything happens for a reason even affairs don’t let this define you as a person .Once U forgive yourself love forgive your married man for the hurt and pain he caused U that alone will lift your spirits and release your soul from some of that pain. Just my advice . Stay Strong ladies.

    • JeepGirl

      Hi Tricia, and thank you for your thoughts.
      It is extremely hard to know he is so close, and to run into them on occasion. A couple of times he yelled out the window. Once, “I sure do my miss you girl!” and once, “I love you, Doc!”

      In response to his wife knowing…
      I didn’t tell her. He did when I told him I couldn’t continue the deceit. But yes, I know she hangs on because she loves him, and because she doesn’t want him with me. I can’t blame her. To her I am the enemy.

      My reason for mentioning that I don’t understand how she hangs on was more in reference to…how does she hang on when she knows he is in love with another woman. I say this because I was once the wife being cheated on, and once I found out I was done. I filed for divorce immediately. So my not understanding comes more from staying with someone who is no longer in love with you. She deserves to be loved too. So I told her that if he can love her the way she deserves to be loved then he needs to work on doing so.

      Even though I love him, I wish it were true that I helped strengthen their marriage. Unfortunately, that is not the case. He continues to message and call me, I continue to ignore his messages and calls, and their marriage continues to weaken. I have come to terms with his & my relationship being over, and that is how I can wish them healing. He on the other hand says he’s never letting me go. Which is, of course, not helping them repair the marriage.

      How long has it been since you have been in contact with your mm? Are you still hurting from the breakup?

      I hope you are healing & doing well.
      XO

      • Tricia

        Jeep girl . Well I finally told my Ex mm how I really felt about how he left . I texted him I wanted to say it face to face but probably was never going to have it ? I know he don’t care he felt I didn’t deserve a proper goodbye because I was just a piece of Ass after all !!! No I don’t feel any better but at least I said what was in my heart and I can completely heal .

        • JeepGirl

          Tricia,
          I am glad you got those lingering feelings off of your chest. Did he respond to you?

          Now that you have given him a piece of your mind, write him off & heal fully. The best revenge is living a happy life.
          Don’t let him & his selfish ways take anymore of your precious future! Time is one thing we can never get back. Don’t give him another second of yours!

          You are going to get through this & find someone worthy of you & your time!!

          XO

          • Tricia

            Hi, Jeep girl . Yes responded but like I said he don’t care . Here’s what he said { Damn really .} girl I’m to thru I couldn’t even cry but he gave my the strength to delete his number and all those lovely texts he use to send me . I went downtown and went shopping and to the coffee house and tried to gather my thoughts . I really don’t understand these married men ? Others than like I always said we aren’t their reality we are their release from reality and I get it but why do they gotta be so uncaring of our feelings ? Like I always told my Ex Mm [ I’M NOT SOME BACK ALLEY HOE U MEANT AT SOME BAR ONE NIGHT ! And I’m tired and I don’t trust men and don’t want one now . I really need alot of self love right now . I hope you are doing well in your own Healing just learn to lean on Jesus ! Because he will pull us ladies thru all these Heartache and pain . Stay Strong .

        • JeepGirl

          Tricia,
          Good for you, girl! So glad to hear you’ve reached a place where your ready to be done & focus on loving yourself!!
          That is such huge progress!

          You continue to keep your head held high & your focus on you & you will see true happiness surrounding you!

          Praying for your continued strength!
          XO

  • Hayley

    Looking back I realise my MM was incredibly insecure. He didn’t feel good enough for his wife hence why he cheated. She must have put him down and made him feel less than. What hurts me the most is he wanted his wife’s love, admiration deep down and not mine. I’m not blowing my own trumpet but I am very different to his wife, she really is everything I’m not. I keep fit, I’m a lot slimmer, I think I’m prettier, she spends money all the time and sits in salons, I’m very outdoorsy and would rather climb a mountai