How to Get Over Your Affair With a Married Man


You’re unhappy about having an affair with a married man, but you don’t know how to get over him. Here, you’ll find tips for breaking off a relationship with a man who is married. May you find freedom, peace, love and joy in your life – and may you hold on to your vision of a beautiful future with a man who is dedicated to you.

“I have to keep reminding myself of how many lies I have told over the years,” says Anonymous on How to Break Up With a Married Man – and Heal Your Heart. “I have been lying to everyone who is most important to me for 5 years. I’ve been sneaking around with this married man, ignoring my own husband who loves me more then anyone in this world. I have taken my husband for granted and I am finally realizing that. I find myself wanting to talk to my husband more and be excited about becoming parents (I’m five months pregnant). I decided to end my affair with the married man and still feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I know I’ll have some good moments and bad moments, but hopefully as time passes I’ll have more good. I really do want to end this affair because it makes me sick that I was involved with a married man for so long. I’m just looking for the strength to get through the next few hours, days, and weeks until I stop thinking about him.

You’re not alone if you’re searching for suggestions on how to break up with a married man. I’ve written several articles about infidelity, and the one that’s most searched for is my blog post on getting over an affair. This surprised me, actually. I was aware that many men cheat on their wives, but I hadn’t thought about who they were cheating with. The comments section on my article about breaking up with a married man has given me a whole new perspective on marital affairs.





Here’s a list of reasons you shouldn’t date other womens’ husbands, plus several tips on how to get over a married man and heal the pain of heartbreak. Having an affair with a married man can rip your heart in pieces…but the good news is that you’re on the right track! You’ve begun the process of healing, simply by searching for ways to get over a married man.

Reasons to Let Go of a Married Man

I suspect you already know these reasons not to date married men, but this list may give you the extra push you need to get serious about the healing process.

  • Adultery is destructive, immoral, and painful
  • A married man won’t commit to a future with you
  • You can’t trust a married man who cheats on his wife
  • You can’t talk about dating married men with your friends and family, so you won’t get much support
  • A married man doesn’t respect the woman he’s cheating with
  • You’ll waste your life waiting for him to make a decision – and the chances he’ll decide to commit to you are slim
  • A married man is living with guilt and shame, which will eventually affect your relationship
  • Good, kind, loving men don’t cheat on their wives
  • Cheating damages families and destroys lives

This last tip would drive me to quickly learn how to get over a married man! Guys who cheat don’t respect or love the women they’re cheating with. No matter what they say, they don’t really respect women who let themselves be used.

If you want to break up with him but feel like you can’t, read How to Get Through a Breakup When You’re Still in Love.

How to Get Over a Married Man

I’ve written lots of articles with practical tips on breaking up and healing after heartbreak. In this article, I want to focus on the power of love to help you move forward in your life. This may seem ironic because you think you’re losing love…but actually, the end of this affair can actually be the start of a whole new life of freedom, peace, and joy for you!

Focus on finding freedom to end this relationship

May you break free from the chains that hold you in this relationship – a relationship you know is unhealthy and destructive for you and others. May you find freedom, peace, and joy in your life. I pray for courage and strength, and for wisdom to learn how to get over a married man without feeling compelled to return to your old way of living. I pray that you take time to bow your head and lift your heart to God.

Instead of allowing your heart and emotions to dictate your choices, decide to end this affair. Yes, it’ll hurt. Yes, you’ll think about him all the time. But you can be free from the compulsion to see this married man. May you find yourself quickly and free from the bondage of this affair. End your suffering, move forward in freshness and light.

Look at the obstacles in your way

What is holding you back from getting over a married man? Maybe you’ve invested time, emotional energy, or even money in the affair. Maybe you hope he’ll leave his wife and marry you. Maybe breaking up with him is an admission of guilt, and you can’t forgive yourself for the affair.



Need encouragement?

Sign up for my free weekly Blossom Tips!

* indicates required



Maybe you love him.

Being clear on your reasons for having the affair – and breaking it off – will help you find freedom. Why are you searching for tips on how to get over a married man? Start digging around in your heart and soul, and figure out why you started the affair and what’s holding you back from a healthy relationship.

Decide that this affair is over. Period.

This is my favorite comment from a reader on my other article about getting over a married man:

How to Get Over a Married Man

How to Get Over a Married Man

You have to make up your mind to break up with your married man…It’s hard for me to believe that there are other men who are willing to love me even more but there are. If you do not let go of what’s bad for you, then you’re not making yourself available for a good man. I’d rather be in a relationship with someone I like than in a relationship with a married man I love who can’t make me his priority.

THIS ISN’T HAPPINESS. We deserve more. And it starts within ourselves. His wife doesn’t deserve this, either.

Start recreating your life

Part of learning how to break up with a married man is to create your life in a way that incorporates new perspectives, new attitudes, new priorities, and new values. One of your new attitudes has to be acceptance – because you know that resisting this change will stop you from learning how to live happily without the man you love.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • What do I need to let go of in my life that is no longer alive?
  • What is sacred to me?
  • Who or what do I love?
  • What have I sacrificed in order to love this married man and have an affair?
  • What is calling to me now in my life?
  • How can I start living the life I really want?
  • What changes do I need to make so I can live without him?

Take one question at a time and sit quietly with it. Write about it in your journal or the comments sections below. Turn it over in your mind. Don’t overanalyze or overthink your answers. Don’t pressure yourself to come up with an answer. Be willing not to know how you will live without him. What is important is that the questioning gets energy moving deep in your emotions and spirit. From here, change will naturally unfold in your life.

What is one thing you can do today to take care of yourself, and help your heart heal?

Learn how to let go and emotionally detach from him

In How to Emotionally Detach From Someone You Care About I describe how to let go of someone you love. Breaking up and letting go takes time, but it will happen. You have more power than you think – and you deserve better. You deserve a man who will love and cherish you, wholly and completely.

May your heart and soul heal from the pain this relationship caused, and the grief of the breakup. I pray for forgiveness, compassion, and mercy. May your heart turn towards the love and peace only God can bring. May you open your soul to the only one who truly loves you unconditionally and wholly, consistently and forever.

If you want to share your story, please write below. I can’t offer advice, but you might find it helpful to share your experience. Writing helps us untangle our emotions, refocus our thoughts, and heal from destructive patterns in our lives.

Getting Over a Married Man

In The Handbook for Healing Heartbreak: Finding Peace Within, After Loss of Love, Pamela DeNeuve offers ways to stop feeling consumed with pain, anger, or anguish because the man you loved walked away. You’ll learn how to stop repeating painful self-defeating cycles in your love life.

In this easy-to-read book, you will discover hidden beliefs that women have accepted for generations – ideas that cause them to repeat painful patterns in their love lives.

May you blossom in freedom and faith. May joy and peace be yours. May you always see the beauty of the simple things in life.





xo



Your thoughts are welcome below! I don't give advice, but you can get free relationship help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.




Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

117 thoughts on “How to Get Over Your Affair With a Married Man

  • Shirley

    Pisces,
    Tammy is CORRECT! Get Out of the relationship. You deserve BETTER! These married men, who CHEAT ON THEIR WIVES, are NOT WORTH IT! They are LIARS & Never leave the wives! If he is NOT CHEATING with you, he will find someone else to PLAY HIS GAMES & CHEAT! This one is VERY UNPROFESSIONAL & SOUNDS VERY UNSTABLE! Move on!

  • Tammy

    Pisces…..You are only human and fell for a coworker that sees how vibrant, fun and worthy you are! He wants to control you wt his jealousy, please remember that he is going home every night and sleeping in someone else’s bed!! You are young and can find so many men out there that are emotionally and basically more physically available to you as well that will treat you with the respect you so deserve!! I recommend you write down to remind yourself that he is trying to control you with his jealousy, the fact he is not adult enough to be professional is huge as well, he spends his weekends and nights with another female but wants YOU to stay single and wait for him till he decides he has time for you!!! I am sure there’s lots more as well!!! You deserve a real man not a child and a cheater!! He can say how unhappy he is at home but he’s not man enough to deal with things just like he’s a child by ignoring your texts, real adults don’t act this way! He’s not in high school for heaven sake, you are not to let his actions or words control you!! You are a strong female that needs to let him know he has no effect on you!! Stay strong, ignore his actions and if he text you reply with “I am over this, I deserve better and am moving forward!” Remind him he is married and you are taking the high road!! He will most likely just find someone else to continue this game with!! You will feel elated not lying to your friends and family and will feel an enormous weight lifted as well!!!

  • Pisces

    Hi, just call me pisces. And for almost 7 mos I’ve been struggling for a very unhealthy relationship which is being attached to a married man. Im lying to all my friends and family. Im 24 yrs old and I know that im wasting my life to him that there’s no future in him as in nothing! It’s like that my world belongs to him, im so attached maybe because most of the time we are together drinking, eating. We fought for a very light reason as he is easily jealous if I’m with friends even my family. Then now, he’s tired from me and throwing and pushing me away which is a good start for me to start a new life. But still im so idiot for being so hurt and txting him to be okay. I wanted this feeling to be gone. I hated myself for being so stupid to keep on sticking to this undeserved man for me. I wanted to move on forget and love myself. I wanted to be renewed. This man is mu workmate and even in the work he’s taking it personally and unwillingly to cooperate and get in touch. Please give me a very strong advice for my stupidity.

  • Moving on

    I had an affair with a married man for four years. I am also married. He is a cop and I ended it partly because he was getting a promotion and his schedule would make it so that I wouldn’t really get to see him.

    I did love him. It’s been almost eight months now and it still hurts sometimes. But I am writing here because it’s still better than trying to find time to see him, wondering what he was doing, and basically getting the crumbs of his life. I realized along the way that it would never change. He lied to me about many things along the way and I didn’t trust him. I knew I’d never be able to trust him.

    Leaving him was one of the hardest things I ever did. We talked a couple times after and he said that I pursued him which wasn’t true. He didn’t even mention to me that he was married until I had been friends with him for four or five months. It made me realize that it was easier for him to not take responsibility for his actions.

    He gave me a lot of mixed messages along the way. Sometimes he’d be so miserable about his marriage and then other times he’d say that he didn’t want to start his life over. Eventually I realized it was bleeding me out.

    Maybe in a different world he and I could have made it work. Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. But I made a decision to go on because I knew that I had to for my own mental health. I still see him in the paper or out driving around and it’s hard. But overall it’s a lot less suffering than trying to be with him. If you are seeing a married man just end it now. It will only bring pain and believe me that you will get better.

  • Shirley

    Christine,
    I agree with Tammy & Deb—these CHEATING MEN are LIARS. ROGUES, & MOST HAVE NARCISSISTIC SIGNS! Time will heal—I know—IT feels like HELL & TORMENT right now. I was in a relationship with MM for 6.5 years—Been free of IDIOT or 15 months! I am SO MUCH BETTER! Self Esteem restored! Weight loss in progress! Hair style better & different! I am EMPOWERED! HANG IN THERE!

  • Deb

    Christine… I’m sorry that you are going through the hurt & heartache. It does hurt like hell! I know you don’t wanna hear this cause I surely didn’t, be glad it’s done & over cause the more time invested seeing a MM the deeper the hurt is. MM are cheaters, liars & only think/care only of themselves. They will tell you anything to get what they want. You will be used, lied to, deceived & strung along. I did this for 7 years, believed in him, look where that got me. I ended it, he didn’t. The ladies here have really helped me. Tammy suggested to write down all of his faults, short comings & all the times you were left alone while he was with someone else. I did this, have the list at my office & another at home. There are days I look at it countless times cause I’m only on day 9 of breakup & it helps! They say the hurt becomes less with time, I’m hoping that is true. You hang in there girl!!!

  • Christine

    I’m separated with my husband and we are divorcing so it’s about few months and I will be free again. 3 months ago I met a married guy back at work. He used to look at me a lot and made attempts to flirt with me and get closer to me. At first I opposed him and told him to go back to his wife. Then he started talking about his bad marriage and how he is unhappy and he wants to leave. He has a baby of 9 months old and my son is 2. So we had many things in common. Then we started the affair. He talked abt his eternal love to me. He said that he’s over with his wife and it’s matter of time he will be moving out. He talked about future together and used to see me everyday. It lasted for 2 months. Then he started saying that his wife is not OK anymore about them getting a divorce anymore and there are problems happening but he wants me to be patient for us. I fell in love with him and was ready to stay patient. Then he started seeing me twice a week saying he can’t leave his daughter since his wife is not OK. Then suddenly he stopped talking to me and answering my calls and messages. Then he sent a msg that he needs space he’s tired. A week later I talked to him asking what’s wrong and he needs to face me and tell me. He replied that it’s over he can’t go on. He’s sorry he hurt himself and hurt me and that he can’t leave his daughter. So then I sent him many messages telling him how coward and a liar he is. Since then he never called or talked.
    Till now I keep thinking about him and I feel used. I still love him though and the way he left is making me go crazy with questions and wondering if all the love we had was fake or true.

    • Tammy

      Christine…..I am sorry to tell you this but you’re so close to your situation to see it…..you were used, he saw you as an easy target unfortunately. He most likely never even discussed divorce wt his wife let alone planned on leaving either. You need to let go and concentrate on yourself at this point, there are men out there that are emotionally available and not married most importantly!!!!! Start your new life for yourself n child in a good light and stay away n forget about the guy that basically used you and be glad it only lasted 2 months and not years of your life!!

    • Wasteof6years

      Yeah I hate to say this too but he just used you for one thing………please get out and stay out……….I had mine for 6 years and the same BS…………please walk away…………..this is nothing more than an affair……….men like this lie to us and make sure they keep us for when they need one thing…………..be smart walk away and don’t look back………………I promise you all he is saying is LIES……………. I wish I would of listened long ago but I stayed 6 years and 6 years to much……………..never will I do again…………..

  • Deb

    Shirley you’re right about Tammy’s suggestion. I wrote it down & when I become weak & wanna contact him, I say that list out loud, it helps. I know I’m the newbie here & don’t know a thing.

  • Deb

    Hi wasted 6 years….. I’m glad to hear after 4 months into the breakup you are doing well and moving on. You go girl! I’m 1 week in and I’m hanging in, not easy but I’m doing it. Thank you for your words of encouragement, it helps!

    • Wasteof6years

      your welcome Deb. I honestly thought I would die without him………ha what a joke………I feel good to be out of that and I hope all the new ladies find the courage to walk away………I know it took me a long time but now that I have I will NEVER go back or do again…………..he broke me like no other and I will say a hard lesson learned………………..chin up ladies we ALL can over come this………………….I did ………….
      oh and I had many many friends tell me this would happen and I chose to ignore it…………my gut feeling told me this would happen and I ignored it…………….I loved the thought of being loved but was fake love……………..my heart was broken bad but I am telling you now my heart is just fine……..not a day goes by now that I miss him…….he isn’t in my thought my prayers my life………………..hearts can mend………………..minds can as well………………….we all need to think of ourselves not them………………….Prayers for you ALL

  • Shirley

    CONGRATULATIONS! Time helps heal! Took me longer, than you, BUT ONCE YOU REALIZE how DECEITFUL THE IDIOTS CAN BE, You are FREE! Tammy had a good suggestion last week—suggested writing down all their bad qualities & checking the list, when feeling down or tempted to make contact. It works! I had Not thought about making, that LIST! At the top of my list was: He cheated on wife for 6.5 years, without remorse! Was a WAKE UP FOR ME! I can shoulder some of BLAME, BUT HE WAS THE MARRIED ONE! Hang in there! Proud of you Wasted 6 years—in the Grand scheme, you did Not Waste the years—you matured & learned from MISTAKE! Empowered you!

    • Wasteof6years

      Thank you Shirley…… I did do what Tammy did long ago………I still have that paper and when I get to thinking about him … I look at it and laugh…………lol what a joke……to think I believed him………wow cant believe he took me to my weakest point…….but know what me made me rise to my highest point…………..way it is I loved him more than I ever loved any guy to the most hated person……..and now don’t even care……….once you get past all your points and not care is the best relief you can have…………….moved on and fine…..I can live without him and I can be happy……………………..I am not stressed or worried anymore at all……….really took a lot off of me…………………….learned my lesson and will NEVER go back……..he isn’t worth it………I am worth moving on………….

  • Wasteof6years

    Just an update ladies………….I am telling you I didn’t think I could ever get over the heart ache of leaving my MM but it has been 4 months and I am doing great………………I think of him less and my heart ache has gone……………I feel free and able to do anything I want without worries now…………….I did waste 6 years………but I am making up for those six years and it is great……………………..MM lie about everything to keep us………….I have now realized this .. was hard to think all was lies but I see it for what it is now………and I am moving on………if I can do this……….all you can ………….it is hard a heck at first but each hour each day each month gets better…………..just wake up to it all……………………he will never leave his wife, he don’t love you and he just wants you for one thing……………be strong and you can over come this see it for what it really is……………I really didn’t think I could move on but I have……………..and I do feel free ………..feels good to do things and not wonder what he will think or if he will call or come by and you miss it………………I can do what I want to make me happy NOT him……………….aww breathe now………….life is good

  • Deb

    Hi Shirley & Tammy…..I thank you for your support & advice, very kind of you to take the time. I saw the MM ( a sighting is what I’m calling it) yesterday morning. I in my vehicle stopped, waiting to make a left turn & he in his work truck in left lane beside me coming in the opposite direction. The pit in my stomach became larger & felt a knife to my heart. I couldn’t even look at him unsure what he did on his part but really what does it matter. Have to say had thoughts of contacting him after seeing him but they were only thoughts. I thought of the advice you two gave me and put those thoughts to a halt. I’m in my 5th day since break up and I’m having these emotional breakdowns that come out of no where. It’s like a wave that comes crashing in uncontrollably. You don’t know me but I’m this strong b***h & proud of the fact, but when it comes to him, I’m weak. I knew the pain was going to be bad but had no idea of the severity. I know I’m not alone, far from, reading all the ladies comments on this site. It just sucks that I believed in him and look where that got me. I often wonder how he can look at himself in the mirror or sleep at night for what he did to me but I’m sure he’s not having any issue doing both.

  • Tammy

    Deb……Remind yourself that you are important and deserve to be someone’s priority not their option!! We as women are natural caring and nurturing, we forget about ourselves!! It will hurt less with time, you need to write down his faults, short comings and all the times you were alone while he had someone else….read this daily as a reminder!! You will never be as young and beautiful as you are right night so look for that someone that prioritizes YOU sweet lady!!

  • Shirley

    Deb,
    Be gentle with yourself! Love can be blind! You are Not ALone in this journey. Many of us women have fallen victims to the CHEATERS. They can be very persuasive. I am educated, have a lot to offer the RIGHT MAN. I seriously DOUBT your cheater is thinking MUCH about you! He used you! In my case, I had been seeing a MM for 6.5 years. When I finally had enough courage & firmly told him, I needed more from relationship, the SEX had become redundant( half the time, he could Not perform! ) HIS PHONE CALLS every day became all about him needing SOMEONE to talk & listen to him! One can take SO MUCH, THEN TIME TO MOVE ON! He had the NERVE, after CHEATING for 6.5 years, to tell me, he was going to TRY & RECOVER HIS MARRIAGE! BEGGED ME NOT TO TELL THE WIFE! Ha! I have kept QUIET, as I truly BELIEVE, Karma has a way of stepping in! In God’s time, Justice will be served! It will be PAINFUL, BUT once you heal, you will FEEL FREEDOM & ABLE TO MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE! We are WOMEN! Hear us ROAR! DOWN with the WIFE CHEATERS!

  • Shirley

    Deb,
    You TOOK THE VERY IMPORTANT FIRST STEP!! ENDED THE AFFAIR! Your self respect is MORE IMPORTANT! These married men, WHO CHEAT are LOSERS! Some have NARCISSISTIC characteristics! First & foremost, they will never leave their wives! Oh yes! All the BULLS*** lines—You are the Best Thing in my Life & I LOVE YOU! It is painful, BUT HAVE NO CONTACT! Move on!!Takes time, BUT YOU DESERVE BETTER! HANG IN THERE! That sorry A**, is NOT WORTH IT!

  • Deb

    Hi all…. I’ve been seeing a married man for 7 years! I ended it last evening & today I’m heartbroken, devistated & walking around like a zombie. I love this man with all I had. I put my life on hold for him. He told me everyday he loves me & I the best thing that ever happen to him. There was promise after promise excuse after excuse he leaving wife, all talk no action. This man was even close with my adult son & daughter & 2 grandsons the oldest of them he was there when he was born almost 6 years ago. We had so much in common & a connection that I have never had with another man. A week ago I asked status of him leaving wife, he tells me “I need more time.” I told him I’ve waited 7 years & the timer just went off. I told him I can’t do this any longer, I’m done. I told him not to contact me for a week as I need time to think this through. I also said in meantime I want my key back. He sat there shocked & speechless. He did respect my request & gave me the key. After the 6th day he texted asking to see me last eve to talk,I agreed. First thing I asked if leaving wife, said once again need more time, I told him then we are over. He begged pleaded & cried not to end this & honestly I said to self I’ll give another chance BUT then got the “balls out of my purse” & said I’m done no more time just can’t continue this. We talked for another couple hours stood my ground & didn’t change my mind. He took his belongings & we said goodbye & he walked out the door. Today, I wake like I said previously heartbroken, a hole in my heart! I Have regrets with what I did. I even started to text him then stopped myself. I already miss him & it isn’t even 24 hrs later. I’m fighting self not to contact him cause if I do I’ll cave.

    • Deb

      Shirley….I thank you for your input as it was MUCH needed. I’ve NOT caved & contacted him. I blocked all avenues to contact him & he me. I’m dealing with the pain & heartache as each day comes. They say time heals, will see if that is true. I still think of him a lot & wonder if he’s hurting too but I doubt he is as he has his wife. Gotta tell you, feel like a fool that I allowed him to do this to me. They say love is blind, don’t I know it!!

  • Shirley

    Virginia,

    Get over the Rogue! He will never LEAVE THE WIFE! He cried??! He is either a GOOD ACTOR or has some OTHER BIG PROBLEMS. Sounds like a VERY UNSTABLE PERSON!! Your self respect is MORE IMPORTANT! These MM are Not worth it!! Been there!! Out of the affair for 14 months! I finally realized how MUCH the IDIOT was dragging me down!! I am SO MUCH BETTER & MORE DESERVING, than to put up with HIS SORRY A** SELF!!!

  • Virginia Drew

    I unknowingly enjoyed a MM last week who kept it to himself until I had an inkling to ask. We both took each other by complete surprise dancing together then just hitting it off. I was shocked and devastated upon learning of what he referred to the beginning of the end of his marriage, starting th proccess to becoming“separated” so I told hi off; he was very remorseful. I have seen him once more against my better judgment because the attraction is insane. He cried, so frustrated and stuck, longing for the balls to leave his wife because they’re miserable roomates basically. I’ve been there since I am recently divorced, so I empathize and actually believe the dude. We agreed today to not speak until he fixes his life (if he even does), and not make me a “mistress”. What do I do now? Ugh.

  • Sarah

    I have been married for 12 years. We are having some problems- there is no passion in our marriage and we have gone for up to 3 months without intimacy (a long time for me). My husband has also gained a lot of weight and the attraction isn’t there any more. However, he does a lot for me and my family. Recently, I had a fling with a married man 15 years older than me. I surprised myself as I never thought I would do this. The man came on quite strong and I quickly found myself extremely attracted to him. A month later we had a very passionate but brief week together. He lives in another country and I can’t stop thinking about him. However, before I was due to return home he was very vague about seeing me again, and has only messaged me twice since. The truth is, I really liked him and if he had said stay, I probably would have. I am now trying to get over him without telling anyone what I am going through. I feel cheap and used, and had I known he only wanted something so casual, I wouldn’t have got involved,

    • Tammy

      Sarah, Most likely he has several women I am sorry to say! He came on strong because he knew you were leaving soon and never talked about a future because he wanted an affair! He will always be that guy that does this, is this something you really want to deal wt and be hurt and sad about time and time again? I suggest you put it in the past and get over him and if he contacts you it’s for another fling not something of substance!! I am sorry, I know your pain! We are not built for intimacy wt out feelings and emotions!!

      • Sarah

        Thanks so much for your reply Tammy- it made me feel a lot better. I think you’re right- i have noticed on social media that since I left he is giving at least one woman (10 years younger than me!) a lot of attention and she is suddenly liking everything he posts and vice versa. I need to get him out of my head and stop him affecting my life. He still likes most of my social media posts which is a constant reminder of what I thought we had. Short of blocking him I am not sure what to do.

        • Tammy

          Sarah…..you need to delete him from looking at your social media asap he doesn’t deserve to know what you’re up to!! Remind yourself daily of his short comings!! You need to find happiness n it’s not there, your husband? You need to figure out if you could be happy there n if not you need to change your situation, life is short!! I was in an unhappy marriage for 15 yrs n I am happier n freer now!! Focus on the things in your control not the guy that used you!!

  • A.

    Hi, I rather not say my name, I stated seeing him in September of last year. I’ve known him for about 9 yrs. Heard stories bout him cheating on his wife. He asked me some yrs ago, 2 go out on a date with him, I said no. But anyway this past year has been hell for me. He told me that his marriage has been over for a while. And of course I believed him.Told me how he always wanted 2 be with me and been liking me for years.Our first time together was on September 7th, we saw each other every two days, he took me on my first bike ride. We went 2 myrtle beach together.Octomber of last year somebody told his wife where I lived. She showed up @ my house with his stuff, so he stayed with me for bout a month and an half, went by 2 her nov 30th, of last year, we had just went out of town that weekend, by that next wednesday,he was back home. Now this whole situation has been nothing but drama from day one.She told people in the fellowship that we all r a part of.Everyone turned against me, even people I thought was friends.She has lied on me telling others I did something 2 her car, had me voted off the committee , not because I wasn’t doing my job, but it was all bull. His friends/ mine turned on us both.His wife had gotten so many people on her side, now I’m not the first one, their has been others.Back in oct when he was living with me, he always came 2 their house when he got off of work, til one day she was getting dress 2 go out, and he gave her a black eye, me and him have been seen by her friends, her son together.This women has some serious issues. And it ain’t me, yes I should have lefted him alone, but by that time my feelings was strong, so I stayed.Everytime I get the courage 2 leave, I let him draw me right back. We are suppose 2 go out of town, on his birthday dec 30th, 2 bring the new yr in together, we did it last yr 2, he spent valentines day with me all night, their anniversary, every weekend together, he even mention 2 me bout killing her, but I said no 2 that cause it was crazy, he told me 2 many times 2 count bout him moving out, but don’t.I know that he isn’t the one for me, he is everything I hate in a man, cheater, beater and lies.I truly believe that they r meant for one another, they both lie, play games,,involve others in their mess, and for the past 5 months maybe, this relationship has took a turn for the worst. I know I can’t live like this. Never been with a guy like that, the others kept it real with me, never thou I would ever met someone like that, but I have. I’m homeless now, and his wife had the nerve 2 text me and call me a homeless whore, she even text my husband telling him bout us, and had the nerve 2 bring my 3 yr old daugther into this, there are many times I wanted 2 hit her, but didn’t kept turning the other cheek, never thought I would be caught in no mess like this, I felt in love with lies, deceit games and its like they taking turns on me like this is a game, need 2 get out cause I don’t wanna hurt no one, its best I just walk away.

  • Shirley

    Tammy—sorry for your pain! TRUST ME!! That Narcissistic Rogue is NOT WORTH IT! He will never leave the wife—that is safe territory for him! He is using you, WHEN he wants a bit of a THRILL! I have been & dealt with all the SH**, like you! I was in a relationship for 6.5 years with a MM—same lines—I Love you, you are the best thing in my life—on & on! Been out of it for 14 months! I am empowered. Self esteem & confidence elevated! It takes awhile. Glad you are getting out & dating other guys. Hope they are good to you. Hang in there! The SORRY A** is Not worth it! In my case, the sorry idiot used his forty year old kids as an excuse to stay in marriage! I can laugh now! He is a NUT CASE!

  • Tammy

    I’ve found myself in an affair at a married man for 2 1/2 yrs. on n off I would break if off only to have him come back n state he can’t live without me and he will start the process to be with me. A year ago he came to me yet again after not seeing him for 2 months and stated he will do what it takes to be with me and for 6 months he had me and his wife and smoky and was extremely happy till I pulled away since he had made not efforts. Another month went by with out me and supposedly he spoke with his wife about a separation and stated he’s getting closer only to do nothing for the next two months and even go away to Vegas with her rather than to an event he promised me. My heart broke as I saw happy pictures of them on his wife’s Facebook and I let go and started to date to help me move forward. A month later he comes to me yet again n states he’s moved out and stated wt me over the weekend but in light he had not moved out but just left for the weekend and went right back. He says for his teenage kids that aren’t even his. I didn’t see him and heard little from him for a month again, granted we live in the same area. He sees me having drinks with someone else and texts me and basically tells me I ha e brought a 3rd party into our relationship!? I told him there’s always been a third party called your wife. I knowingly let him back in because I love him so much it hurt, we went away for the weekend wt my friends only to return wt him dropping me off and he going to meet his family….terrible feeling!! He told me on the way back that in one month he had set his mind on it, one month and he would be free. I so wanted to believe this, that date came and went and he played it off as a joke…I have not taken his emails n had told him if it was another lie, his whole month I’ll be free, I wouldn’t let him back in….I’ve keot my promise to myself even though we caught glimpses of each other in passing, I pretend I don’t see him. He’s had drinks wt a guy friend of mine in hopes of finding out what I am doing but my friend told him I am dating and after talking wt him he is a lost cause. I have met a great guy that has it all together and even puts me on a pedestal, tells me I am the most beautiful exotic girl he’s ever met and how sweet and kind I am and how he is the luckiest guy to have my attention. I know my married man will show up soon again and I know he will say whatever it is he thinks I want to hear to win me back but I keep telling myself he’ll cheat on me if he hasn’t already, there is no trust, I no longer respect him or his words so there is nothing more there than just physical which was fabulous but if the important things aren’t there I truly believe the intimacy will never be the same….I tell myself these things every day to get over it and I am slowly and it doesn’t hurt to have a handsome guy that is emotionally and physically available to me but 2 1/2 yrs it’s hard to shut that off MO matter how my heart hurts and part of me dispises him! I also remind myself of all the great guys I’ve Turned down because of him and the time he took his wife to a gala that he said was a work affair while I was asked to the same gala by two great guys and said no because of him……i tell myself just through another two months and my heart will be freer and I can move on for the life I need and want!

  • Shirley

    Emily,
    I am going to be up front & suggest some things, that you need to FACE!! First—I suspect your husband is having an affair! If you find out, & DO NOT need his financial support, GET RID OF HIM!! You can HIT HIM WITH CHILD SUPPORT! An attorney will cost money, BUT worth it! As for the married client, RUN!! He is using you & will never leave the wife!! Take control of your life! It will be a VERY LONG PROCESS, BUT NECESSARY! Then, you can find some PEACE in your life!

  • Emily

    I just searched this topic cos I’m living with turmoil in my soul. Iv been married for 10yrs with kids. For d past 5 yrs my husband had been cold…, there was no physical intimacy , no conversations, and I was financially isolated, made decisions on my own..my husband was almost always involved in one spiritual activity or another. That drove me from being involved.
    And I was so lonely n hooked a friend ship with a client.we talked on social media, many times with my husband sitting or lying next to me… he just didn’t care. Then this married client of mine showed he wanted me..it felt so good to be wanted, physically, sexually, intellectually. It became an affair for about 9 months meeting up once in a month or in 2 months as he lived in another town. Iv always known it was wrong. But I was afraid of being alone and not wanted/ desired…now he hardly talks to me and I feel bad. On the other hand my husband has come around says he had a bad dream about d turn of our marriage..so he’s putting some effort but after 5yrs I feel slightly bitter . Still doesn’t feel desire to be physically intimate . I’m confused, in pain, frustrated, bitter and angry with myself and everybody else. But still keeping a ? a calm front. I might implode any day. I need forgiveness from God n my husband, yet can’t tell him, and I still think of and desire the other guy in the face of rejection.will I ever get thru this?

  • 6years wasted

    so I have noticed all I am going thru right now all you are… I thought I was being a fool for being down over this but I see others are as well.. I am having a really bad week.. I am not sad or upset I am just down…
    never felt this way before.. Louis left you all and me an email .. I recommend talking.. it sure helped me out a lot.. I am still down but hearing the kind words well it is nice to hear.. and I am glad that I am not alone even though I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.. but mine has been over a month since I left him… I don’t miss him I don’t love him I am not angry with him.. I just don’t care.. but something has me down…………. I just don’t know.. talking is good for us all.. it might not be a subject we want to share but Louis is good and there for us… I have to see a councilor over mine cus it is way to much for me to handle but I don’t know.. I want to get strong so I don’t go back.. 6 years was way to long..
    I wish you all luck and we can make it through this..

  • Shirley

    Thanks, All is Well! You are Right! Nothing last forever! I have been out of & over MM for 13 months! As I have posted before, I am SO MUCH BETTER & hope to inspire others caught in same MESS! Blossoms site has been a good one! My self esteem & Confidence has been Greatly Elevated! The FREEDOM IS GREAT!

    • Tammy

      Shirley…..thank you fit your support!! I needed that today, it will be a month this week since he told me he was leaving wt the date of November 25 which came n went wt nothing happening n it being played off! I won’t answer texts or emails but I know it’s a matter of time before he surfaces where I am face to face. I just want to be strong n be over him when he returns…..I repeat n replay all the lies to myself daily….I need to completely let go so this new wonderful guy that is pursuing me has a real chance!!!

  • Louis

    I understand how you feel. I understand your desperation your love your anxiety your tears your sleepless nights. I have been through this. It is a terrible horrible feeling and I don’t wish this on anyone. But you know – you can only come out stronger from this. When I started, I was in a similar situation.
    1. I was married
    2. Got a divorce due to MM.
    3. MM said he loved me forever.
    4. I waited. patiently.
    5. Nothing happened. He ALWAYS had excuses.
    6. I Finally started therapy and doing a lot of things to heal myself. To learn that maybe my obsession with him was truly due to a lot of other factors in my life and my self-esteem.
    7. In the end, remember nothing in life is permanent. The way you are feeling right now will not last forever. Always remember that. If you get 5 good minutes in the day cherish them. That’s better than 0. It is important to have people who love you in your life. Maybe you can find a friend or a pet you feel love for. Good luck ladies. Trust me, it’ll get better.

    Send me an email at: alliswellLouis@gmail.com and I would love to help anyone else. I received a lot of help from online strangers and I would love to help anyone else. Just with anything. If you need motivation – if you need to figure out what to do next – anything. Everyone deserves to be happy. Please give yourself a chance.

  • Shirley

    Mary,
    He is a LIAR! He has No Intention of giving up the wife! I bet she needs his income & kids are involved! Stay STRONG & get away from him! He wants to keep you interested, just in case he gets bored with wife & decides to CHEAT AGAIN! He is an A######!

    • Angel

      Hey Ladies – that is right…be strong and let the MM go…..will take time, friends and space. It is true – they will never leave their wives and they do not have respect for those that they cheat with….I am a sweet, nice, natured woman who realized that after many months….on my end – I thought it was true love but he never was planning to leave his wife…and I realized he was in the midst of renovating and traveling with the wife….I am sure those wives just turn the blind eye on it all…..MM are not worth to be with…no matter how much our hearts hurts…..Best is to let go, never look back and for sure get your motivation and looks up ….joined the gym – getting my body and smiles back too….LOL he is still trying to cruise me again – I just laugh it off and and think what a LOSER – how could I have….never will again – we deserve to be top priority and not a side dish…These type of men usually have issues….who wants a man like that..they are called PLAYERS. Angel.

  • Mary

    Hello ladies, I can relate to what you’re saying, I’ve been seeing a married man for 7 years. Its so difficult to end it even though you know you should. He told me last week that they’re going to try and work out their marriage issues but messages me daily saying he misses me. I’m trying to stay strong and not talk to him. Cant wait until he no longer fills my thoughts.

  • Bevcha

    Oh I’m a bit down tonight and I’ve no idea why. I don’t miss him I suppose I miss being with someone. Although I never had him to come home too and I was always under suspicion of things I wasn’t doing. I just feel a bit lonely is all.
    This website is a godsend. So nice to have a non judgemental place to vent.
    If anyone can bolster me up that’d be great
    Xx

  • Bevcha

    Hi Ladies,

    I think I’m just suffering a hefty dose of realism last few days. This man is no longer in my life which really is how it should be. He was so so convinced I was cheating and I wasn’t but that probably isn’t what really matters now anyway. It takes time I guess but now I’m ready for all that life brings. If I ever find myself presented with such a situation again I will run so fast and far you won’t see me for dust.
    How are all you girls doing?
    Bevcha

  • 6years wasted

    Mercy, that is great.. I am in my 3rd week.. each day is getting better.. I think about him very little and when I do it is with anger.. I cant imagine ever going back to this dumby.. .but I have said that before.. he was always the one that left me.. this time.. I did.. I am tried of it … was time for me to say Bye for good..
    I still have his things and our picture up but I am taking my time with putting those up. I look at our picture less and I am hoping soon I will be completely over him. I don’t miss him . I don’t even care anymore. my love has passed and is going to wait tell healed to find the true love of my life .. that will be ONLY mine
    glad we are all doing good without these men… I know I am now focusing a 100% on myself and doing things I want to do for me… not to please him.. or to hide from him… this time if all MINE

  • Mercy

    Hi all,

    I am almost in the 4th week since the break and I have to say there are times I reminisce the good times which were very few, however I don’t long to be with him nor in that situation anymore. it’s mentally liberating to know I am no longer someone’s number two. it’s a relief everyday and it gives me reason to celebrate the decision I made to leave.
    I am happy I have a platform where am not judged for having made the wrong choice at some point. I am happy majority of us have gathered the strength to leave

  • Bevcha

    Hi ladies,
    Its been a week since I told him to never contact me again. I blacklisted him do have no idea whether he has tried or not and for the first time I don’t care.
    But I’m feeling strange. Its like I’m struggling to realise I’m free! I’m getting back to socialising and enjoying my time, things he didn’t agree with for no good reason. Now please understand I don’t want him back nor do I care about his life so this isn’t some ploy to say ‘look I’m fine without you’ I don’t care if he sees it or not. For the first time my life ISN’T about him!!
    Has anyone else found the freedom and liberation after the breakup actually a bit of a significant adjustment?
    Affections to all

  • Shirley

    Tossing their pictures & stuff is a HUGE FIRST STEP! I waited one month! Threatened the IDIOT, that I would dump all his cards, gifts, pictures, & clothes on front porch, so wife could see it! She thought, he had ended affair 5 years ago!! HA! I think she ignored many things, as he was her only support! I decided to RISE ABOVE ALL THE PETTINESS & LEAVE HIM ALONE! I do have some GAL & GUY close friends, that would LOVE TO EXPOSE HIM! After one year, it would serve No purpose! Glad to hear you are going out with friends & planning a trip! Be STRONG & EMPOWERED! We are WOMEN, HEAR US ROAR!

  • Bevcha

    Hi 6,

    Thats great! I’m so happy that you are closer to moving on!!
    I felt set back a bit last couple of days because I won’t lie, a part of me wanted him back. Ashamed of that as I am. But I then realised what I’d be fighting to get back. I would be fighting to be used, not trusted, criticized, controlled and left questioning myself every damn night. I can’t go back to that 6, I really can’t.
    Although I’m hurt and I feel stupid I’m not sure that I miss him, I’m not sure there was anything to miss. I guess people like him shouldn’t be missed, they should just be forgotten.
    Hugs

    • 6years wasted

      I am the same way.. I am just fighting it.. and fighting it with anger… so I understand.. I still have all his clothes he brought over and the picture of us up.. I do still cuddle in his favorite shirt. so I am bad about wanting him back too.. but the more I think that I go back to the last day with him.. and that makes me so stinking mad.. he was so mean to me but yet fought to keep me.. I don’t get it.. really don’t want to.. I know I was just his mistress nothing more.. all lies he told was to just keep me longer.. so my fault as well.. its fine.. I didn’t need that drama.. I would of been one hell of a wife to him but know what he didn’t and don’t deserve me.. I would of never trusted him either.. so his lost and my lost of 6years.. lesson..

      • Bevcha

        Hi 6,
        I in no way want to tell you what to do but maybe it would be better to throw all that stuff out. If you have reminders its going to be harder for you to move on.
        Maybe even get yourself some new things? New bed sheets or a blanket for your sofa, just something else to give you comfort?
        Tonight I am going for a small informal dinner with friends, if I had done that a few weeks ago that bloody moron I was with wouldn’t have been happy about it, well guess what? I call the shots in my life now! I will go with my friends then come home and relax in my space without the need to worry about what anyone is thinking!
        I also would like to take a trip back to my native Britain, another thing he had issue with. I have to say the freedom feels good.
        How are you feeling today 6?

        • 6years wasted

          Bevcha,
          I would love to get rid of his clothes and things but legally I cant do that. I have consulted with an attorney I have to wait at least 30 days.. then toss it all… I can take picture down but I am not to that point yet.. I am still trying hard to get over him.. I have with my heart but not with my thoughts yet… he has my home key… so I am screwed with that as well.. I might do what you said.. take all his shit and put it on his porch… but I was mean I called told his wife just seconds after I told him to F off… all these times I never left him.. he always did me cus I was pushing things so screw him I am moving on.. he tried hard to keep me just to keep control over me and he leave me later… no it was my time to move on.. .all his lies and promises.. oh man.. he took me down hard but I promise you he doesn’t know this cus I was a strong women when I left him.. in my eyes he is nothing but a pussy.. oops sorry… and his wife stays with him cus of his money.. ha funny thing is he is in debt. 100k now oh thanks to me he said.. jerk… but know what that is fine.. I will take all the blame myself.. I can forgive me.. but not him yet… I just don’t even care.. I still haven’t cried over him.. nor will I.. he don’t deserve my tears anymore or ever again… I am to the point I HATE him.. but I also hate myself for allowing him to do all this.. I am way to strong of women for a man to take me down this hard… my life is a mess right now but I am working towards making it better.. I want to be able to find a man some day not now that will love me that will want ONLY me… I want a relationship that is real not fake .. but I am going to wait to heal 100% cus the next man don’t need my drama caused by the married man…
          it is going to take time for us all but each day and each lonely weekend is getting better.. I do have to put that on my councilor cus she is the best… she is helping me get thru this and figure out why I only want to be with married man… deep dark secrets but it will be good… things will get better.. just matter of time for me.. and letting myself move on.. I will NEVER be a fool go back to him……..I am honestly glad all this happened like it did cus it would of been easy for me to keep going back to him.. now that he did this to me.. well there will be NO going back.. he totally destroyed me…. never again. shame on me and shame on him… all I will say…

  • 6years wasted

    aww, okay…
    all I noticed is WE have to be the one that ends these cus when they do that gives them the power to come and go if want to.. if we end it that means we wont put up with it anymore and moving on.. this is my first time and he fought me on it.. I had to be bad call his place of business report misuse of work phone then his wife.. this made it 100% official .. he knows I am mad and over his nasty limp XXXX lying aXX… lol okay had a moment there.. lol oh yes OLD>>>>
    okay over rant.. I am not even upset over mine I am just MAD… as heck.. more at myself for getting to involved and believing all the BS.. over it.. and sick of thinking of it all the time.. ready to move on and do best for me

  • 6years wasted

    I am confused with all the new comments on here..
    and it looks like me and Shirley are the only ones that wasted over 6 years on these men…
    trust me this isn’t easy one of the hardest thing I been thru.. but I am one strong ass women I will survive…

  • Bevcha

    Hi Ladies,
    I am done! I am so f**king done!
    The guy I was seeing initiated contact today and I engaged. The conversation went round in circles, He basically told me that he cannot trust me – all of this is because I didn’t allow him to go through my phone – and that IF we were to get back together we can meet (ie in the bedroom) but other than that I am not allowed to ask him where he has been or who he was with.
    What…the…actual hell!? I said to him ‘Listen I am NOBODY’S friend with benefits so if thats all you have to offer then you can go to hell!’ I have blacklisted, deleted all numbers pictures phonecalls the whole lot.
    Don’t get me wrong I have bawled all night and now look like a wreck but I kind of feel relieved. Like somehow I can finally move on.
    Any words of wisdom – Shirley you are a great source of inspiration to us all. Any advice for the initial stages?

      • Bevcha

        Hi 6
        About two weeks ago, I decided I didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore and didn’t contact him. He contacted me the night before last and came out with all the BS about getting back together but on a casual basis. I told him where to go with that crap. This time I told him I didn’t want him to contact me again. I have actually removed the possibility for him to do that now by blacklisting him.
        So I was broken up with him two weeks ago but he attempted to worm his way back, resulting in me telling him to stay away – I don’t want what he’s offering.
        If this makes it a bit clearer?
        Cha

  • Claudia-Maria

    I transferred with my company to a new (small) city 6 months ago where I didnt know anyone. I met a guy at a restaurant bar whike having dinner when visiting here to find housing. He told me he was married. Married men are off limits to me, however I was attracted to him and he offered to help me look for housing as he knows the area well, traffic, etc. I saw him 3 times that week and we made out one night. He texted a few times in the subsequent weeks before I moved, very light friend-zone text exchanges.
    The day I moved here he began contacting me intensely. I postponed seeing him and after several weeks of unpacking and adjusting to new office, I met him out for drinks. We began sleeping together and going out 3-4 times/week. This was my first ever involvement with an mm. I justified it b/c: 1) I was celebate for 2 years prior 2) I was new here and lonely . After 3 months, I:woke”up and wanted to please God and make an effort for a clean new life here. I didn’t see him for almost 6 weeks. Although he texted and I missed him, I never officially broke it off, instead I made excuses not to see him. He asked me what was wrong, if I still cared, etc to which I gave evasive answers. I was fealing strong and proud of myself. Then I got bored and lonely and when he wanted to come over and discussed what had happened with our relationship, I let him. Yep, we had sex and I fell back into it. Things were back to the previous routine only due to a job change and less income, he wasn’t taking me out, just coming over with wine and we’d have sex. He seemed obsessed with wanting to know if I loved him. He said he’d watched me leave work from the bar next to my office when I wasn’t seeing him and it killed him to be without me and asked me to promise I’d never quite seeing him again. I never expected nor wanted him to leave his wife, in fact he talked openly about her and with respect. He also made a point to comment about hit women he knew, but would seem jealous if a guy looked at me. 6 days ago I had a very bad day. He asked to stop by sometime I could talk about it. I agreed and he set a time he’d call before coming over after his barber appointment. For first time ever, he didn’t call or text, no showed. I texted, no response. Call went straight to v.m. and no “good morning ” text next day . I had some drinks and left a scathing v.m , and later a “how dare you disrespect me and stand me up, especially knowing I was crying over a horrible day”. He called hours later (day after stood me up). I couldn’t answer and it’s been 5 days and I haven’t heard from him at all. My gut tells me he stood me uo because he was with another woman, a former coworker of his who’s married and lives 2 hours away. He admitted to being with her once when mad at me, Although we weren’t fighting Friday, it was a 3 day weekend much like the previous time he saw her and she was able to break away from her family to see him. I am : demoralized, pissed, insulted, and want to know what the hell he did Friday that he treated me as such. I want him to comtact me so I can reject him. But at the same time, I miss him terribly. 2 weeks ago he left a golfew game to fix my car and now he’s hurt me and we’re incommunicado. I at least want answers/ closure. Why did he stand me up after HE wanted me to promise never to stop seeing him? Help.

  • Thissiteisalifesaver

    I’ve been on and off this site since I got entangled in this mess. I can’t speak for everyone else but I know I have some emptiness in my life and most likely made a poor choice due to some internal issues that absolutely need sorting. I also have a lot of respect and admiration for men and women that were presented with this possibility (I refuse to use the word opportunity when it comes to an affair) and chose to walk away. I wish I had taken that path but here I am now a year in… This cannot continue on yet I know it is going to take a helluva lot of strength to resist the attention and amaze sex. Attraction, attention, chemistry are highly alluring and humans need companionship. A part of me is resentful that he has the family and I’m on my own but I have to take responsibility for accepting this set of circumstances. I very easily could’ve said no, unacceptable. Plus, anger only hurts its container. If things were so incredible at home would someone seek out another partner? Maybe… bc they can get away with it but I have to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume there’s a gaping hole in his life. Something is amiss and at least we all have true freedom to seek out a wonderful relationship. I wish you all the best in breaking free and finding a true soulmate that can give you 100% of their time, love, affection and commitment.

  • Mercy

    Hey, 6 years you don’t suck. Don’t put yourself down the affair has already done that to you. Give yourself a pat on the back for being strong enough to leave it takes lots of courage. My strategy so far has been seeing the affair for exactly what it is was, painful,full of lies, disappointments, roller coaster of emotions and lots of lonely moments. I honestly miss none of that neither do I miss him. We broke up in peace no hard feelings against each other but I have no interest in being with him anymore. I am done and I pray for you to be done completely too.

    • 6years wasted

      thanks Mercy,
      I cant help it.. I am not to the point I am pissed and I seek revenge.. but I wrote all these things down and really trying hard not to do them… cus I am a better person than that… I can not do that .. who knows what would happen to me if I did plus the guilt of it…
      the only thing I miss is my best friend.. he was my everything so I thought.. to think I thought of him and treated him like my own boy friend these last few months my secret fiancé.. ha … ugh what a fool I was…
      this just seems to get harder each day.. and I am trying like heck to move on get passed this.. now the thinking of him as turned into night mares .. ugh.. cant believe how wrapped up in this I got.. I am not to bright on this…
      thank you for prayers.. trust me right now I need them bad.. just to keep sane…

  • Shirley

    CONGRATULATIONS Mercy!! You are on your way!!
    I am celebrating BEING DONE & OVER THE AFFAIR FOR ONE YEAR!! I also lost 20 lbs & have been excercising (walking daily, when possible!) I feel GREAT! Treated myself to a $12 bottle of Champagne & $11 bouquet of one dozen yellow roses!! We need to EMPOWER ourselves & always remember, WE ARE SO MUCH BETTER & DESERVE BETTER, than the WIFE CHEATERS, WHO TRIED TO BRING US DOWN!!

    • 6years wasted

      Mercy, I am proud of you… it is almost two weeks for me.. and each day gets harder and harder… not sure how I can get pass this and be okay… guess I tried to get over it to fast… I am going thru all the emotions other than crying……………. I am mad and hate him for what he did to me.. but yet I still blame myself for all he told me was my fault cus he was right… now need to get over the fact I wasn’t in a relationship I was an affair that needed to end long ago… but got in to deep.. knew this would happen to me.. have nobody else to blame but me……….I suck

  • Shirley

    6 years—GET A GRIP! You are NOT TO BLAME FOR HIS GAMBLING DEBT! He is playing you for a fool! You definitely DO NOT WANT HIM, with serious debt! He would make your life HELL! You will get through this! STAY STRONG! Get busy—get new hobby, community service, find a church group. You can do this!

    • 6years wasted

      I know.. these few days instead of mad for a week it has turned into everything he said so harshly our last day is getting to me.. I am to blame for it all and messed it up..

      okay that just sounded dumb.. I am trying..

  • Shirley

    Believe me! It was TOUGH AFTER 6.5 years,BUT I did it! A strong faith & letting God take care of it! After a few months, you begin to realize WHAT JERKS THESE MEN ARE! I truly believe, if another woman wanted to enter into an affair with the man I was with, HE WOULD DO IT AGAIN! His EGO IS THAT JADED & BOLD! THESE MEN CANNOT BE TRUSTED! The wives NEED TO GIVE THEM A SWIFT KICK & divorce them! In my case, the wife needed his income to survive!

    • 6years wasted

      Shirley, your right.. I know the only reason this guys wife don’t leave cus of money.. thing is.. thanks to me he said he is deep in debit cus he has a gambling issue… that I am blamed for.. ugh
      it is hard… and today is the worse so far… more I get sad the more I think of all the evil he said to me the last day that made me leave… saw a person I don’t like… or the real him…

  • 6years wasted

    okay ladies. I need all help today.. it has been a week today I left him……………………….I MISS HIM..
    I cant do this… I have to move on.. 6 years is way to much and I cant believe how he treated me the last two weeks… I have to be strong been trying hard but today is my day… feel if he contacted me I will go right back into this mess.. and I don’t want to do that………….
    encouraging words please… feel I lost the battle…

    • Bevcha

      Hi 6,

      You are doing really well – the sadness was always going to hit. Just focus on getting through the day – can you do something to distract yourself? Maybe try cooking something new, going to see a movie or phoning up a friend?
      Think like this – if he called and you went back to him, you would be back in this same position in two months time or a years time or whatever. That will be MORE time that he has taken from you. If you can keep strong you will see an end point. You will reach a point where him and his ridiculous life don’t matter to you. You will have your own life! Maybe by then you will meet a new guy that won’t hide you like some horrible little secret, moreover you will be stronger, strong enough to demand a level of respect in a relationship because by then you will know how being disrespected really feels and how you will refuse to go down that road again.
      My hugs to you 6 – you are going to be alright

  • EMMA

    Hi Everyone

    I am now 7 weeks (I think and pretty proud that I am not really keeping tabs either on when I called it off). I have seen him twice in the area we both work in. Both times leave me a little shaken however my recovery yesterday was very fast. Heart racing for about 10 minutes then I moved on. He didn’t see me. He looked as gorgeous as always but my immediate thoughts were

    1. How glad I am not waiting for him anymore to find time to see me
    2. How glad I am not in a sexual relationship with someone who having sex weekly with his wife
    3. How glad I am that we were not found out and all families are none the wiser (on my clock anyway)
    4. Just proud that I could do it with no crutches to turn to. Now to find my thing be it tennis, the gym, cooking and most importantly my family and work. This was how he lived his life when with me and I was a nice to have at the end of all that. Not anymore.

    I read what makes a man cheat – they are filling an emotional void usually started in traumatic circumstances when they were children. Tick Tick Tick with him. All the best to we girls who have found our strength. So proud.

    • 6years wasted

      its been a week for me.. and I have all kinds of thoughts and emotions right now… first I am mad as hell.. how can a man do this to me.. then I realized I did this to myself makes me madder… and believed his BS… today I am starting to miss him but I keep reminding myself his last day his words were so harsh and hurtful… still confused how I let it get as far as it did and why I stayed for so long.. but I believed all his lies.. guess something I wanted to hear.. finding it hard not to think about him all the time… wish it would just stop……

  • 6years wasted

    oh wow.. cus she snored..
    so I can survive without him.. ? mine was to long and I am trying hard to be without but my thoughts do go back to how he treated me well the good thoughts.. well crap okay he treated me like this was all my fault and I made him do all this……………..geez.. see when I say it out loud I realize how stupid it was and why didn’t I see this sooner… I passed up some good guys that were single to stay with him… maybe with time I can stop thinking so dang much about him………….miss him but he isn’t worth all this… I can and deserve better.. I have to see counselor over mine cus this is way to much for me to handle but instead of making us better.. I am making me better… to think he made me go see one.. ha joke on his dumb butt she told me to leave.. .and hearing what I told her made me see what it was and I was able to leave him next day.. to think this loser told me he wanted to marry me.. ha we were secretly engaged.. WTH
    ok enough ranting…………….I am starting to get upset and he isn’t worth no more tears……………at all…………….

    • Bevcha

      Hi 6,

      Rather than think about the big picture why not just think about it as hour for hour. Those with hours will turn to days and the days to weeks and in time you will see that you have begun to really move on. I also wish I had an erase button for my brain but we don’t have them.
      Stay strong. Nothing wrong with seeking some help from a therapist. We all need a place where we can talk without being labelled homewrecker or scarlet woman or anything like that. Some people are very quick to judge (what it must be to be so saintly)!
      There is a good song called ‘Yes’ by McAlmont and Butler – its uplifting and quite appropriate to how we feel sometimes
      Hugs

      • 6years wasted

        thank you Bevcha
        I never been hurt this bad or even talked to the way he did me…
        today is the day I am finally sad about it all… confused.. why I do this why I let a married man do this to me.. I am worthless no other man wants me… see poor me day…………………… need to cry good get it over with but I cant seem to do this… I keep laughing it off thinking I was a fool… and the things he said makes me mad… all my fault… really..

  • Shirley

    Ladies,
    Amazing how we all share the same feelings. I am educated,smart & NEVER thought I could enter into an affair. I did! 6.5 years & have been broken OFF for one year! I too, wondered how to GET THROUGH THE HURT & LONLINESS! I have & am SO MUCH BETTER OFF! I stopped Beating myself up for being taken in like this! These men are SLICK & ONLY PLACE THEMSELVES FIRST! One thing, that Blossoms has taught me is “YOU CANNOT TRUST A MARRIED MAN, who CHEATS ON HIS WIFE!! We are all good people, not home wreckers, ordinary women looking for companionship! These messed up men take advantage! One of the Stupid things, my nutcase told me, was he cheated, BECAUSE HIS WIFE SNORED! Our humor for today!! Good Luck Girls! You will get through this!

    • Bevcha

      Hi Shirley,

      Oh my god – because his wife snored!!?? Well I have officially heard it all now! And I thought my married mans profession of being polyamorous was ridiculous enough!
      I have a feeling that the hurt will set in for me but at the moment I’m ok. To be honest we have had many spats (Im British so thats a term for short silly arguments) in the last few months and each time things got smoothed over its like I cared less each time. It’s almost as if less of me went back into the relationship.
      After the frank and brutal discussion we had about our ‘relationship’ after he left its like I had this moment of clarity and so far that clarity hasn’t left me.
      I too, like all of us, am a smart professional woman. I’m a scientist and never thought I could act so irrationally. You know what ladies we don’t have to live with what we have done – we need to move on from it. Let him live his sham life whilst we live our free ones.
      Ladies we can live the life he WISH he had! Free with nobody to explain ourselves to!

      • 6years wasted

        wow, I am shocked .. I really thought I was the only one that did something like this… I too am a professional in the courts… but the more time goes for me.. my anger is starting to turn into missing him.. wondering if we will get back together… I am trying hard not to go with these feelings.. but I look back and see 4 times I have gone back… but this last time I am the one who broke it off.. I had to call his work cus he was using work cell report misuse of it by calling me way way to much and hate to say this I called her.. but I wanted to explain my side before like always he trash me to her make up stuff that could of had them sued or jail time .. calling her was dumb cus like always she is listening to him like it is all my fault.. well it took two of us.. not like I forced 6 years on him… I am still upset how he treated me towards then end. I knew he wouldn’t leave her and try to find away to not come to me. I was blamed for his gambling addictions cus I wanted him to call 3 times a day on the weekends so his only way was to spend all that time gambling so would not look odd he was going out calling so much.. was blamed for the arguments everything.. that is fine… I will take the blame.. so dumb.. the more I accept the blame the more it makes me mad and sees this for what it was… so I don’t know.. I have to stay strong.. avoid all contact that would make me fall back into it. my heart needs more time to heal before I can handle that if it ever happened.
        prayers to all of us that need the strengthen to let it go once and for all on a fake relationship………………ugh

    • 6years wasted

      Shirley, how did you get over 6.5 years.. mine was like yours way to long… its been a week and my emotions are so messed up today.. have been angery this whole week then today…………it kind of hit me different.. I miss that dumb jerk………..I cant do this anymore.. I need my life back…………

  • Bevcha

    Hi all,
    I am reposting because I don’t know if I made a mistake in submitting my first one. The long and short of it is I have wasted 3 years with a narcissistic moron. He was at my home a few nights back and for some reason wanted to go through my phone and asked me to sit somewhere else whilst he did so, I of course said no – that doesn’t mean that there is anything on my phone he shouldn’t see but I have a right to privacy in my own home! Well he most certainly didn’t like being told no (they never do, do they?) and this all led to me asking what the relationship actually was. Well I find out that he believes himself to be polyamorous (Doubt the wife feels the same way!) and that he only trusts situations he can control – this means because I will not allow him to look through my phone and have more control in my life he therefore cannot trust me and therefore cannot love me! Well guess what ladies that means he can’t HAVE me either – I’m done. Three years I have tried to be….less… its the only way I can describe it. Less ambitious, less able to stand my ground….just less. A shadow of who I used to be.
    He is a control freak, a liar and a manipulator. He claims he is ‘complicated’, he is not complicated he is actually as transparent as glass!
    We haven’t spoken since then – I have deleted all the old conversations, the pictures and any stuff he had at my house is in a bin bag! He said he needs time but he will be ok with me…. I tell you girls this guy is in for a shock when he contacts me next time!
    From now on he can go back to his deluded wife (can’t imagine the level of control he has over her) and stay the hell out of my life!
    In the past our fights have always crippled me emotionally and almost physically too, the moping, the waiting desperately for him to write to me… you know the drill but this time its different. I can now picture my life without him – without constant worry that he doesn’t approve of something I’ve done or said. I think I finally realise I don’t need him or his shit!!
    My hugs to you all – we are all in this together

    • 6years wasted

      this sounds just like what I just left… I feel you… thing is we all look bad…. we are the home wreckers but people don’t realize the control these men have over us…. I think the guy I was with his wife was controlling of him.. so he wanted to get his man power back and found me… an easy target to control… I am 23 years younger than him and he knew he found a young fool… but that is fine.. I will be fooled NO MORE

  • 6years wasted

    I was with my married man for 6 years. He told me for so long that I was the only one he loved (in love) and wanted. I tried to leave him many times. he left me many times. for us to just get back together.
    I thought I really loved this man. I gave him two months to come to me or leave. Last Friday was his time and I will say in the last two weeks he has done nothing but put me down hard for the relationship messing up so bad. we argued to much ect. but he kept promising me he was coming to be with just me Friday and would divorce her marry me.
    I knew in my heart something wasn’t right. I fought tell the end. he told me I need to go see a counselor to help with MY control issues and jealousy. I went to the counselor only for her to ask WHY are you with this man. I said cus I love him willing to do anything I could to make sure he is happy with me. the more I sit there and talked to her I realized how it sounded and she was right WHY am I with him. the next day I asked him are you coming Friday. he said I DONT KNOW. my heart sunk. I told him I would make it easier on him and I didn’t want him to come that Friday and I was done. he told me NO he didn’t want it to end but he wasn’t coming Friday. I reminded him I told him Friday or done. he kept saying WE are not done… I kept going on my word. I AM DONE. I was starting to get mad and see what he was wanting.. he wanted me but not to be with me… I wasn’t good enough to have as a wife only a lover. .. he did the best thing for me by telling me to go see counselor. this will help me better myself not OUR so called relationship.
    I am still so confused over the situation but I knew it would turn out this way… haven’t cried yet but I am thinking I am more relieved that this big secret that I couldn’t tell is over and done with……. (at some point he did ask me to marry him even though he is married)
    All this has been turned on me but that is fine. I will take my responsibility for my mistake… I wont for his.

    • Bevcha

      Good for you! You have made a great stand. I understand the feeling of relief – the burden isn’t yours to bare now and you can move on with your own life. You call the shots now!
      Take some time to do what you love – reading, walking, listening to heavy metal if thats your thing. You don’t need to plan anything more around this loser and his pathetic childish wants.
      Its all about you – the next six years will be greater than anything that idiot could provide.
      My hugs to you

      • 6years wasted

        thank you Bevcha.
        it is starting to get hard on me now.. I was staying strong but I find myself getting sad missing him.. but I keep trying to remember what all lies he told me and just makes me mad… I didn’t deserve any of this but I put myself into this situation. I am enjoying all I can and not waiting on a call or him to stop by unannounced.. I did this for six years I know no better… I been listening to this song by Lori Morgan. As good as I was to you….. this makes me think of his wife when I listen to this.. she didn’t deserve any of this either…

    • Mercy

      6 wasted years, welcome to the club of strong women who made the right decision. Mine just ended a week ago, it’s not easy but you will be proud of yourself eventually

      • 6years wasted

        Mercy mine hasn’t even been a week yet… all my true feelings have not hit me yet..
        I am just hoping I will stay the way I am and not give him any more of my tears…

  • Shirley

    Mercy,
    You have taken a BIG FIRST STEP! You broke off the affair! Time will help heal. A man who cheats on his wife does Not respect you! It took me months & like you, I was heartbroken! A year later, I realize what a joke the cheater turned out to be! It is like, when someone dies–must go through the grieving process! My biggest issue with the CHEATING ROGUE, is seeing him on social media, acting like the Christian man, & acting like all is well. Pictures with Clueless wife! Again, it is SO GREAT, to Not be in second place, waiting for him to play “family man” & then give me the CRUMBS! Our Self Respect & Self Esteem are MUCH MORE IMPORTANT!! You will GET THROUGH THIS!

    • Emma

      Hi Shirley
      Can I ask why you are still able to see/look at social media with your ex? I have read (like you I read everything I can to ensure I don’t revert back to affair life) that when you break up with someone and want to make it easier for yourself, you should clear all social media with them (no secret stalking), no going near where they work, live, coffee, drink, etc and getting rid of anything that vaguely links you to them. I may be wrong and very interested in your POV, I work two doors down from my ex but actively take the long way to not see him. I did see him last week after 5 weeks of no contact. He was “fine” “doing well thanks” and made the first move to say goodbye. It set me back over the weekend big time and reinforces the “do not contact” in all its forms.
      It is so hard and so hard to look back at myself and believe that I was in something special and different. All our stories are the letter the same thing. I have got a good story for all. After a year of an ex ending an affair with me about 6 years ago (yes, I am an serial affair person and now on a mission to stop forever) the ex affair partner called me to rekindle with me. If he had of called me when he ended it, I would have run into his arms like a child and clung tight. A year later I was so over him. I was trying to say to him nicely that I was not at all interested. The thought of him now is like thinking about no-one special. At the time I thought he was a God.
      You do move on.
      Does anyone else have a story of moving on and a positive outcome. We need more of those stories. War stories.

    • Mercy

      Shirley,
      Thank you so much for responding I feel so much better! He played the perfect husband and father back at home and neglected me so many times that I ended up feeling like I was in the relationship alone. I genuinely loved him and wanted to make it work but I have forced myself to accept and respect both his marriage and myself. I need to remind myself how I felt in the relationship to avoid lapsing. I look forward to posting in future about my successful journey to happiness!

  • Shirley

    Mercy,
    I can relate to the pain, which you are feeling. There is an emptiness & pain, that you cannot explain! Stand strong– I compared it to someone had died! You go through the grieving process. TIME WILL HELP! I have benefited from Blossoms blog. Also went online @ different sites referencing to affairs, cheating husbands–gained a lot of insight! If you stay with it, in time, you will see the light! It took me about 9 months. Your SELF ESTEEM & SELF RESPECT are So Much more IMPORTANT! I could Not afford counseling & friends & family DO NOT UNDERSTAND! I did what I could. The main issue, I have dealt with–seeing the CHEATER on social media, acting like Mr. Perfect! Pictures with his clueless wife! Anyway, the AFFAIR IS NOT WORTH IT!! You will move forward & be better, because of it!

  • Mercy

    I have been in a relationship with a married man since 2015 and I just ended it via text a day ago for the 3rd time to which he responded ‘I respect your decision’. His response killed me that he would not even fight for me, I thought I was worth to him and he would let me go easily. but now I realize am focused on how he feels instead of how I feel and how I want to feel moving forward. I am still in denial that it’s really over but I feel some form of happiness that I am no longer second. I am still heartbroken that I will not see him or hear from him again. It is a rollercoaster of emotions that I want to get off. I want to be happy again and I have had enough of the lies and sitting on the sidelines waiting for him to be a family man. I pray for forgiveness and for God to give me another chance at happiness, true and genuine happiness

  • Shirley

    Well stated! I have been out of my affair for a year! I can live again!! I was so used & could Not see it! The affair partner knew all the right things to say, was a GREAT liar! It takes time to move on, BUT YOU WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT THE CHEATER! I want Karma to bite his BUTT!! In the meantime, I have moved on & enjoying life!

    • Mercy

      Hi Shirley, I am happy to see you moved on completely. how did you do it. I just ended mine a day ago and I feel almost helpless like I’d rather hang on to him than feel the pain of loss though I was really unhappy in it

      • Susanne

        Mercy – one second, one minute, one hour – that is how you are going to get through it. The affair was no more than an addictive habit (drinking, smoking, drugs are in this bracket) that you are breaking. Be kind to yourself if you lapse. If you don’t you are one minute more to getting back your emotional health. The ex was taking the opportunity you gave so lovingly I’m sure but he never invested like you did. You have gifted yourself beyond your wildest dreams. Keep reading articles on why you did the right thing. They keep me strong.

        • Mercy

          Thanks a lot Susane I really appreciate the encouragement and knowing others have been there and been able to move on completely

  • Laurie Post author

    Thank you for being so honest, and sharing what it’s like to be with a married man. I can only imagine how painful it must be to be in a relationship that has no hope, even though it seems like there is so much love. Pain like this is difficult to go through, and the grief is heavy.

    I’ll keep you in my prayers, for healing and peace. May you find the strength you need to cope, the faith you need to let go of the past, and the courage you need to keep moving forward. And may you find yourself experiencing the peace and joy that surpasses all understanding! May you reconnect with God, and may you find ways to Blossom into the woman He created you to be.

    • Susanne

      Hi All
      Reading your letters and many other letters I’ve read on similar sites all say the same story again and again. I believe we are lonely souls attempting to fill a void from within. Now I’m out my 2 and half year affair and the fog is lifting (thanks to these sites that remind me why I need to be out of any affair) I can see things with clarity.

      The void is with us all and we chose to fill it this way. Thankfully there is no rush to fill it when your affair ends when grieving and sad as that is our body and heart repairing. Cry and sob – the cortisol released from crying is also healing. Gosh our bodies care for us. :-).
      See the married man as a person who was good at taking the opportunity offered and trying to fill his emptiness. He may learn this time that nothing fills it like doing the right thing to those he loves or he may not and continue to go out again and “beat the dead horse” of being in an affair (my new term for trying to believe the affair is more than a sexual hookup). A no win game long term. I’ve seen every angle, it all ends in heartache. Parents did it, husband did it, my sister did it and I have done it. One where I was the rogue and one where I was the used partner. I have this covered so to speak.

      I now admire beyond doubt the people who have been offered affairs and chose not to do it. Pandora’s box once opened is hard to close once you’ve been intimate with someone. Eventually we all have to end the affair, say goodbye and then do something lovely for yourself. You can’t ever run away from yourself unfortunately and I’ve tried. We are loving wonderful people and time and distance will break down the hold you had for your ex and the affair. One day you’ll wake up and say ” what was their name?”. I know you will.

      Look at our affair free friends. They have created lives that keeps them busy and mostly content. They garden, tennis, volunteer, join clubs, be friendly without flirting and accept life as it is. Of course they’d love the excitement and adrenalin rush that we chased but knew deep down what that means to catch it. We just went about it the long way. Not good nor bad – just our journey.

      Much care and love to you all. You got this!

  • Marie

    I want this to be the last time but don’t know how to do it. I keep giving him excuses and going back to him. Help. I have been seeing a married man for about 2 years now. We are both married, have children and use to work together. I actually found another job in part to help me get away from the situation. Unlike most of the stories I’ve read we would only see each other every 6 weeks or so as we live in different cities. As I write that it seems that it should be easy to get over this guy. But I fell hard. To his credit he never made any promises or even told me he felt anything for me. We never talked on the phone and only texted. Of course the texts would turn to sexting and photos. On the rare occasions when we were in the same city we would meet for dinner and drinks and I would ultimately end up staying the night with him. The sex was fabulous and there were real moments of intimacy that went beyond sex. I would try to tell myself it was just sex and those feelings were only because we were physical but honestly I know it was more for both us. There was a time where I would have blown up my whole world for him. But I know that wasn’t really possible. The only time we spoke of it he made a very pointed statement that I completely understand and that was that too many people relied on him and he felt responsible. The whole thing was a continuous cycle of the excitement the weeks before I knew I was about to see him, the pure happiness when I would actually get to see him, horrible humiliation and sadness I would feel when I left the hotel room, mind numbing sadness when he wouldn’t contact me for weeks thereafter, a couple weeks of acceptance and I would finally get to feeling better, then the text would come that he was visiting and it would start all over. It was such high highs where I would be glowing and grinning all day to low lows where I would breathless with sadness and crying endlessly. The last three times we were suppose to meet something always came up and we didn’t see each other even when we were in the same city. The reasons for not meeting were always justifiable so I would always forget the horrible feelings I would get since I didn’t see him. This last time when he told me he couldn’t meet I just didn’t reply and erased all his contact information. I am beyond broken-hearted. I just wanted him to at least try to get ahold of me but of course he didn’t. I know that I have to never contact him again but am afraid I will find some excuse. I am actually fantasizing about him contacting me but I know he won’t and I think that is what is hurting me even more. I actually thought he felt something for me. Was I really that dilusional with lust/love? Or was I just looking for attention and excitement and the drug like feeling of an affair? While it does help to talk and write about it I really don’t know how I am going to get thru this.

  • Natasha

    I ended my “relationship” with a married man on June 19th. It was so hard on me. But, the lies killed me more. We met online, yes I knew he was married. We started off friends. Talked every day. He became part of my daily routine. It got to the point that if I didn’t talk to him for a day or two, I felt I was missing something. He intrigued me. He was a younger guy, so handsome. He gave me the attention I so badly needed. That is the hardest part now is that I no longer have his attention and conversations. It feels like such a void. We talked on text for 10 months. He was all over the place then. He later told me, it was because he was trying to fight his feelings for me. But in the end, he couldn’t. He started telling me he loved me and it felt so amazing. The feeling of that lust and passion that a “new relationship ” brings. He ended up telling me he wanted me to move near him because he “wanted me close to him till the day he died”.. I did. I first went there a month before I moved there, we met in a hotel room and the passion and spark was explosive. He was everything I wanted him to be. I fell hard for him. The ride home (12 hour drive) I cried the entire way, because at that point I wasn’t 100% sure I was going to move there.. but I cried all the way back home and I realized I was so deeply in love with him that I was willing to make the move. So the next month I did just that. The fantasy quickly turned into a hard reality pretty much as soon as I got there… he pretty much seen me when it was good for him to and I spent lots of time alone. Completely alone. I knew no one but him there. He was all I had and I barely had him. But when we did get together it was so amazing… but I found myself sad a lot. But I fought thru it and stayed. Weeks turned into months.. I kept video diaries of how I was feeling.. I’m glad I did as I look at them now, I ask myself what exactly did I get from this? Lots of time alone.. broken heart.. lonlienes… it was not the dream I had hoped for… as the months rolled by it’s now 16 months since I moved here, it ended badly. I couldn’t take the loneliness anymore and I couldn’t take being last. So I ended it with him and told his wife, because of how badly he played with my head. Now I’m trying to figure out where to go from here… what now? My heart is so broken but mostly it’s that I miss our daily chats. I miss hearing the sound of his text going off in my phone.. I miss how important I felt to him before he had me… I do miss his touch and his kisses and the passion we once had… but the hardest part is not having that contact… I want so badly to move on with my life and be happy… I’m so scared I’ll never have what I had with him again. How he made me feel. That terrifies me. But he wasn’t mine. And, I don’t want a man who can break every single vow and promise he ever made to his wife. If he can hurt her that way, he can and will do it to me too. How do I let go? How do I stop thinking of him every second? I don’t want him to consume my thoughts anymore…

    • 6years wasted

      I know how it is.. I was with mine for on and off 6 years. I also told his wife this time.. she knew about our affair before this but he felt the guilt told her…. my problem is she blames all of me cus the lies he tells her… and he blames on me as well.. which is fine.. but mine just ended not to long ago.. like Thursday I am just calm about it all right now.. my only worries is what is she going to do file charges on me try to make me lose my job… she has tried this before… it is hard.. I cant tell if I am just relieved he is gone or the heart ache hasn’t hit me yet… he told me over and over he is in love with me only .. wanted me only.. but when time came guess who he didn’t come to… ME… I miss all he did for me as well.. I cant stop thinking about him.. but I am starting to think negative like how he treated me and lied to me … and blamed all on me.. kind of shocked I didn’t see this sooner… when I broke up or left him.. he freaked out big time cus he lost all control of me at that point.. and he tried hard for me not to leave… but he wanted to stay with me and be married to her…. yet two months ago before my birthday he got on his hands and knees asked me to marry him… yet I had to hid that… I am just over whelmed by it all still.. but we can all get thru this.. takes time… last time he left me was really hard on me but I got myself ready for this break up cus I was NOT going to get hurt again….. he isn’t worth my heart hearting.. I thought he was but I was wrong…………..take care of yourself this is your time to heal…prayers to you..

  • Laurie Post author

    I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers! For healing, strength, and courage as you get over the affair. May you find forgiveness and patience as you work your way through the aftermath of this relationship, and may you find it easier than you think to let go of this married man.

    And, may this experience make you a better person, with a renewed sense of faith, hope, and compassion in your life. May you find your identity in Jesus, and Blossom into the women God created you to be!

  • Faith

    I’m so thankful I have found this site. Wow God is so good. I can praise Him even though my heart is broken. I have ended my affair just this week. It has taken all my strength not to reach out to him today. I’m a Christian, and so is he…..so we certainly knew better. We were friends at work that grew into something more. He even prayed with me for my husband. I am also married to a man that loves me very much. We have only been married 4 years. It is my 2nd, his 3rd. We were having issues and I turned to the male Christian co worker and created a mess. I fell out of love with my husband, and in love with other man. He has been married to his wife for 30 years. I am thankful I broke it off after over a year but the pain is real. I loved him. Trying to piece my life back together. My husband thought we broke it off long ago. His wife knew all along. She even reached out to me begging me to end it. She loves her husband and will fight for that. I understand. Please keep me in prayer to resist him and to keep me on the path God intended.

    • Shirley

      Faith– I can relate with all you are saying! I have been DONE with the affair, very similar to yours. Was in the affair for 6.5 years! We mutually broke off the affair 8 months ago. Time is helping heal and MUCH prayer! This site has helped me move forward. I still think about him everyday. We were very much in love. He wanted to try & recover his marriage. I feel so FREE! No longer his dirty secret, no longer dealing with his erection problems, no more only getting the crumbs! Hang in there! These married men, who enter into an affair are LYING TO YOU, THE WIFE, & THEMSELVES! They lean towards Narcissistic qualities & are ROGUES!

  • Hafez

    I met this married man when i was 53 y and it was love at first sight .at the v begining i didn t know he was married but after i knew it was too late . I had this admiration for him and this connection and of course the amazing sex . I felt my feminity with him . He never said he loved me or promiss anything but we saw each other regularly snd inwas so attached to him . Suddenly he was distant and didn t contact me for a month when he came back he said he had issues with wife and children but i was hurt and felt insulted so we had a talk where he was tensed and tried to be intimate again but i refused and since no contact .. My problem is i ldo love him and i wanted so much to be with him . Never wanted something like this in my life . I m liiving my life but i m unhappy and i cry a lot and miss him and still deep down think that may be he would one day want to be with me . He had problems with his wifw and i m sure of that . Part of me wants to forget him and let go amd part is holding on . He is the love of my life i pray god everyday to ease it on me

    • Heart broken

      I had been seeing married man for almost 4 years, his wife checked her phone records and saw that we had been communicating by text message or phone call anywhere from 6:00 am to 11:00 pm daily for a year and a half, of course the phone records on go back a year and a half, but technically it has been that way for almost 4 years, needless to say, she was devastated, and demanded that he tell her whom it was, well he couldn’t tell her, because we have been caught a couple times before, and so he lied and told her it was a lady at work, I know this relationship should have never started, but over time, it turned to something more than we expected or wanted, he was also my best friend, we could talk or text about anything, we would have coffee some mornings before work, work out together, among other things, so I feel I have lost not only a lover, but a friend as well, also, I am married, and my marriage was missing a lot of connection and love, which is probably why this situation was born, now that his wife found out, well obviously that has been cut out, because she checks the bill periodically, if not everyday, and he has completely shut me out, once upon a time, he would talk to me about what’s going on, but nothing but small talk, he asks me how my day is, how I am doing, on a daily basis, but that is the extent of it, allowing my emotions to take control, I was taken back by the new way he was communicating with me, considering all we had been through, and I thought our relationship had grown to the point we could still communicate as we were, but when I stepped outside my feelings and saw it for what it really was, his new behavior was exactly as it should be, I was the dessert, and not the main course,
      I was and am devastated when I decided to call it quits, I have had a few crying spells, and sleepless nights, this has not been easy at all, but I have walked away for good, as of a week ago, and have not looked back, of course he has reached out, he has told me to hold on, wait this out, we can get through this and get back to where we left off, yes we could, but at what price? Would it be worth it? I have ignored the calls, texts, and emails. Part of me is glad it’s over, but the other part of me has a big void that seems at this time can not be filled, but I believe through prayer and suffering, this too shall past, and I need to focus on my marriage, to see if I can get back what we lost or get out of the marriage. I need to focus on me, and find out what is missing that I felt I had to go this route to begin with, and make changes to better myself, and be happy within, without help of someone else. This is a great website, very informative, good place to vent, I pray that each of you and myself find the strength, love, fulfillment, and peace in ourselves to walk away for good, and never look back. If you are driving away from somewhere, while looking back, you are sure to have an accident, which could possible be fatal. Take care, and I wish you all well.

  • Peace

    I met this married man on a social media we met became friends then lovers,he told me of his intentions to be away for a month,while he was away we always communicated,he returned after a month and 2weeks later i found out he actually got married while he was away,i was disappionted i brokeup with him but later got back together again, we have bin dating for over a year. He stays in a diffrent city from his wife due to his nature of job but goes home regularly,his wife found out about me but he refused to let go of me, i hang out with him and his friends,his elder brother knows me,he spends most of his time with me. He always tells me he wished he met me earlier he wud have bin with me and thid word hurts me. I cnt do without him i try to end the relationship but he always says he is truly in love with me but i dont take that statement of his to heart. Im tired of been his side chick, pls how do i move on

  • Haly

    I am in a relationship with a married man for 6 months now. From the start i know that he is married because he admitted it.i had a ldr before and I broke up with my boyfriend for 7yrs just to be with this married man. We are both here in middle east and there are many things that are not allowed here including meeting up with a guy which is not your husband but still he find ways so that we could meet he would drove almost 8hours back and forth just to be with me during his day off he would cook my favorite foods and bring it over.we talked almost 24/7 if we are not together.but realization hits me while he is on his vacation now with his family many things comes out in my mind that whatever happens he would end up going home with his family.i can not message him because he is with his family.it hurts a lot but at some point i am thinking that i need to end this because if i would not do this time will come i can’t get over with him . I tried to break up with him so many times but he always threatened me that he would hurt himself if i would leave him.pls i need some advice on what to do and tell him that he would understand that we should end this up.his on vacation now and im planning to break up with him when he came back here.my work is affected now because all i think is what he’s doing together with his family or with his wife,i can’t sleep well at night thinking about it.i know i have some faults too.that is why i need to make things right.i need some advice pls..thank you

  • Shirley

    My advice to anyone entering into an affair with a married man is–RUN! These men are ROGUES & some show NARCISSITIC qualities. I was in LOVE with the man–So many lines! I Love You, You are the Best Thing in my life! This is meant to be!! Ladies, we DESERVE SO MUCH MORE!! We need to take care of our self esteem & self respect! No MORE CRUMBS & NO MORE OF THEIR BS! The wife deserves the CHEATER!! I truly feel, he will CHEAT AGAIN, if the opportunity presents itself!! The married man, I was with, was retired military, Vietnam veteran with a VERY HIGH OPINION OF HIMSELF. Almost age 72–I see Facebook posts, where he is acting like the MODEL FAMILY MAN, CHRISTIAN–praying for everybody, and everybody’s friend! Does a lot of community service. SUCH A BIG JOKE!!

  • Shirley

    I have read some of the comments. I need constant reassurance, that I am Not Alone in the TURMOIL, that comes from an affair with a married man & the breakup! I was in an affair for 7 years with a man married 41 years! He was 65 & I was 62! It has been 5 months, since we broke it off, after a heated argument! No contact. It hurts & I think about him everyday. Same lines–I LOVE YOU, my wife does Not like sex, my 30 & 40 year old kids would be upset! I threatened to tell wife–he begged me Not too! I did Not act on it, as I would only look like the bad person. He was always generous with the gifts & money! I am more upset with the fact, that he walked away & moved on, like nothing happened! Fooled his wife for 7 years & plans to act like nothing happened! I want KARMA to bite him in BUTT! I am doing Much Better & slowly moving forward! I PRAY A LOT!

  • Mayra

    I literally just sent the breakup text. I haven’t had a broken heart like this in so so many years. I know it’s for the best. He can’t give me what I deserve.

  • Mayra

    I’m in love with a married man and hate the hypocrite I’ve become. I know I need to end it. I deserve more than the crumbs he can offer me. He’s become my best friend the past few months and that’s the hardest part. Yet logically I know he isn’t mine to be close to or leaning on for support. Lord give me strength to end this soon.

    • Susanne

      Hi Mayra

      You brave girl. Crumbs is a nice way to put it as that is what is offered in an affair. Sexual pit stop in their way home to family and possibly more sex that night with their wife. I’ve no doubt that happens…

      You have just gifted yourself more than you know. You’ve told him that you are valuable and worth more than being an unpaid sex worker at best. I told my ex many times before I could move on that he should really pay for the intimacy he seeked. Less hearts to break and use. Honest transaction between him and the sex worker. How many times did your ex walk away after an incredible session of love making and you barely heard from him? I can’t count the times with mine. All nails in the coffin as I got closer to calling it off.

      I believe we are related to other lost groups in society but in a less damaging way. Take thanks we are not addicted to drugs, drink or gambling. All of us however are trying to blot out something we can’t live with in its rawness. Find out what it is that had you in an available relationship and maybe nurture and treat that? May joy and calm be your long term state of being.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Rejoice,

    Read:

    How to Break Up With a Married Man and Heal Your Heart
    http://www.theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/dont-date-married-men/

    And, make sure you read through the comments section! You’ll hear from many women who made the mistake of having affairs with married men, and who are learning how to break free. They are learning NOT to be guided by their emotions, but instead to be led by their values.

    What do you want from your life? You can get what you want, but you have to be strong. The first step is learning how to get over a married man. Read that article. It’ll help.

  • Rejoice

    How can I break it off with a married man I love so much? He cares for me and each time I think about letting go of him I feel so hurt. Please how do I let go of him?

  • Suchi

    I became the person i dont want to be. Irrational, rash, foolish, selfish and sad. And he got angry when i lost my temper. And because of that he dump me
    Dump our 5 yr affair because i got jealous. I knew i needed to break up with him. I knew it will not last forever. But i didnt realized the pain its causing me. The pain that he can move on easily and find a new mistress easily. Which he has been doing for the past 25 yrs of his married life, jumping from 1 mistress to the other. I pray that ill be over this pain. And that ill be able to move on.

  • Laurie Post author

    Yes, it’s really hard to let go of someone you love. It may be the hardest thing you’ve had to do….but it’s also the most important.

    You KNOW you need to learn how to get over this married man — and you already know how to do it. You don’t need my advice, because you already know that you simply have to tell him you’re fine. The relationship is over, and you’ll survive without him. You’ll miss him and you’ll always love him, but you have to put your smart brain over your feelings.

    Yes, it’s very hard to move on. Getting over him won’t be easy….but it will be worth it.

  • Maria

    How I can move on and get over a married man if he keeps sending me messages? He will contact with me because he want to make sure I am Okay.He miss me and he will always love me.
    Its hard to move on and very hard .
    Please give some advice ….

    Thank you