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How to Deal With Jealousy When Your Boyfriend Sees His Ex

Your boyfriend is meeting his ex, and it stings. You know he loves you, but what if he’s still emotionally attached to his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife? What if they fall in love again, or sleep together, or rediscover their old feelings for each other? What if your boyfriend’s meeting with his ex turns into more than an innocent visit?

I remember those days (months, maybe even a couple of years!) of feeling jealous because of my husband’s ex-girlfriend. He lived with her for six years. She gave him a cat. I loved the cat, but was still jealous of his past relationship with her — especially when he (my boyfriend at the time) met with her. It took time for me to break free from my jealousy, but I did! I’m totally over it — and you can be, too.

It’s normal to feel jealous when your boyfriend meets his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife. “Sometimes, old, unfinished relationships come back to haunt and take precedence over the current one,” writes therapist Randi Gunther, author of Relationship Saboteurs: Overcoming the Ten Behaviors that Undermine Love. “A couple who could once speak openly and authentically to each other suddenly cannot speak their truth or listen openly anymore because of a threat neither anticipated. Negative issues that were once only a small fraction of the relationship slowly overwhelm what positive experiences once counteracted them. Betrayals happen. Promises don’t pan out. And dreams change.”

It’s normal and even healthy to feel jealous pangs when your boyfriend meets his ex. It’s crucial to deal with jealous feelings in healthy ways, or your jealousy of his past relationship will sabotage your relationship.

The first thing you need to do is deal with your own feelings of insecurity, fear, and jealousy. I wasn’t just jealous when my boyfriend met his ex for lunch; I felt insecure and scared he still wanted to be with her. I was worried he wasn’t over her, that he and she would fall into their old relationship or even feel sexual attraction again.

When Your Boyfriend Meets His Ex and You’re Green With Jealousy

Here’s what a reader said about dealing with the jealous feelings she experiences when her boyfriend sees his ex-girlfriend:

“My boyfriend assures me he loves me and only wants to be with me,” says a reader on How to Stop Obsessing About Your Ex. “His relationship with his ex-girlfriend is over and they will never be romantic again. But why does he feel he needs to keep her in his life? Why does my boyfriend need to meet with his ex, and why does she not let him go? It is starting to really make me crazy!”

I let my imagination run wild because I was scared he’d leave me for her. I refused to admit I felt jealous and insecure – but I did. If you feel the same way, these tips on how to deal with jealousy may help.

Know why your boyfriend is meeting his ex-girlfriend

My husband genuinely cares for his ex-girlfriend. He feels a little responsible for her, and wants to see her happy and stable. He meets his ex-girlfriend for lunch every couple of years, is still returning her books and random belongings. He updates her on the cat she gave him. My husband kept reassuring me that meeting with his ex meant nothing – she was a person from his past that he once loved. He just didn’t want to just cut her out of his life.

How to Cope With Jealousy When Your Boyfriend Sees His Ex
How to Cope With Jealousy When Your Boyfriend Sees His Ex

After six years of being happily married, I now see that it’s all true. His ex-girlfriend isn’t a threat; she’s just a part of his past. My husband’s purpose for meeting her for lunch or coffee is innocent: she is someone from his past that he loved and lived with for years. He enjoyed meeting with his ex and catching up on her life.

Some boyfriends or husbands stay connected with their ex-girlfriends or ex-wives because they’re raising children together. That can raise its own problems, especially if the ex-wife isn’t a nice woman! Read 6 Tips for Dealing With Your Husband’s Ex-Wife.

However, sometimes it’s not healthy when your boyfriend meets with his ex…

Recognize when when your boyfriend is contacting his ex too often

There’s a big difference between your boyfriend meeting his ex-girlfriend once every couple of years versus talking to her on the phone every day. One reader said, “I saw on my boyfriend’s phone that they spoke twice yesterday. He has yet to disclose this to me personally. I don’t know if he met his ex or not.”

She and her boyfriend agreed that he would tell her when he spoke or met his ex. My husband and I had the same agreement — but he said it was very difficult for him to tell me when he met or spoke to his ex. He didn’t want to hurt me, or to make me feel jealous, insecure, or scared.

If your boyfriend is talking to or meeting his ex twice a day, it’s too much. You have every right to be jealous! What are his reasons for staying connected with his ex-girlfriend?

Don’t let anyone call you crazy

Some girlfriends feel crazy often because their boyfriends tell them they’re overreacting. “You’re jealous because I’m meeting my ex?” a boyfriend might ask. “But nothing is going on. I love you, and you know it. You have nothing to be jealous of, you’re being unreasonable.”

If you’re confused about how you should feel about your boyfriend meeting his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife, talk about your thoughts and feelings with someone you trust. Talk to someone who knows you, who can help you sort through your jealous feelings. If your feelings of jealous are out of control and you really do feel like you’re going crazy because your boyfriend is meeting his ex, consider talking to a counselor. He or she can give you an objective perspective on both your feelings and your relationship.

Sometimes women are jealous and don’t trust their boyfriends for good reasons. Read 10 Signs of a Bad Relationship to learn more.

Be honest with your boyfriend about feeling jealous when he meets his ex

Tell your boyfriend that his meeting or talking to his ex-girlfriend makes you jealous, uncomfortable, or anxious. Be as honest as you can bear. If you tell your boyfriend how you feel — no matter how painful it is or vulnerable you feel — then you’re being your true self with him. And that’s good.

However, don’t assume or expect your boyfriend to change his mind about meeting his ex. If he’s talking to his his ex-wife about their custody or alimony arrangements, for example, he can’t cancel the meeting because you’re jealous. If he’s meeting his ex-girlfriend for family or other important reasons, you can’t expect him to change everything because of your jealousy.

If he can, a loving boyfriend will change his behavior to make his girlfriend happy. However, it’s not always possible to make the changes a jealous girlfriend wants. You need to decide if this is a “make or break” situation. Is this a relationship deal breaker, in other words? If you can’t stand that your boyfriend is meeting with his ex-girlfriend, then you might need to consider breaking up with him.

Get emotionally and spiritually healthy

How to Cope With Jealousy When Your Boyfriend Meets His Ex
Coping With Jealous Feelings When Your Boyfriend Meets His Ex

The best way to deal with jealousy if your boyfriend often meets his ex-wife is to grow a strong sense of self-worth and value outside of your relationship. Are you spiritually grounded in God, emotionally healthy, and socially happy? Can you recognize and stop unhealthy thought patterns? Is your jealousy caused by your own low self-esteem, or is your boyfriend meeting with his ex for unhealthy reasons? Getting emotionally and spiritually healthy will help you answer those questions.

If you’re meant to be with your boyfriend, then your relationship will work out if you and he are both willing to work together. My husband was patient and loving with my feelings of jealousy, and I eventually realized that he was meeting with his ex because he really is a kind, caring, loving man. I learned how to trust him, and how to recognize my own unhealthy emotions. Don’t let your feelings ruin your relationship with your boyfriend.

Your comments – big and little – are welcome below. How are you dealing with your jealousy when your boyfriend meets with his ex?


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82 thoughts on “How to Deal With Jealousy When Your Boyfriend Sees His Ex”

  1. What if we have hit a bump and i feel like i might have pushed him away bc of my displeasure of him being friendly with his ex. It’s pretty much the same…he is a kind man that wants to make sure she’s okay and bc he helps people. I have NO wrries about his faithfulness. I told him (and acted) jealous bc he was contacting her and i want him to contact me instead. I feel left out and semi replaced. He is frustrated with me bc it’s been a few terrible days with me not being able to let it go. I am more than willing to work on my issues and let it go. we are still technically together but something has changed. How can I do damage control??

  2. We met accidentally. But then with time when I get to know him little by little I enjoyed life with him. I was so proud that he is mine, even I boasted to people about that. Among all our friends, we are the ideal mature couple. 2016 was the most precious year of my life. We enjoyed life a lot. After 8 years of affair we married. But then… My beloved Husband cheated me when I was not physically available to him.

    Even though I was happy with him, he was not happy with me. He wanted some physical interaction which I felt not good before marriage, and refused. So that grudges made the biggest mistake in my life. I was married to an unsatisfied boyfriend even without being noticed to me. I was not planning but I was determined that I will do whatever sexual activities with my husband after marriage. But I didn’t get much chance for that, as he was already gone abroad.

    That is ok. People make mistakes. Not once, but repeated mistakes over 1 and a half years people make mistakes.But still as I love him a lot I still can be with him forgiving, if he wants me to. I was so comfortable to run away from him as I feel if he is ok with another woman, why I am there just for the sake of being married. They had this agreement that peper signage is not what love is. So i am the paper marriage and she is the true love.But as per his logic, he is a polyamory personality who is able to love more than one at a time without sacrificing others. It may be a magical talent some people get which I have not got.

    All this is not the problem. This is just the background of my problem. I am still good and agreed to forgive him as he frequently telling me that he made a big mistake in life. So if he stopped cheating me, If I have forgiven him for cheating me, If I admitted that I wasn’t satisfying his sexual needs before/after marriage which is the cause for this problem as he says .. why can’t we live a peaceful life… Because the challengers are still not over.

    Me being surprised for what he did to me took some time for me to understand the problem fully and calm down.Coz for the first few months I got information day by day about what has been going on with them, what actually they have done together. But then what wife on earth can see your husband is working/ traveling/ eating/gossiping/ enjoying together with the woman he cheated me on. That is me…that wife on earth is me…

    Why should I have to be unshaken after seeing them together. Coz, he is not doing anything wrong now. He is not having sex with her now, but he is working with her. He is not kissing her, but he is taking breakfast/lunch/snacks with her and offers his lunch box to her which I think he is eating. He is not giving promises to her but he is driving with her, and basically there for her in the day time. He is not loving her as a life partner, but wants to be there as a work partner for life time.

    My husband is a workaholic. It does not mean he only works. He manage time with family and fun activities too. He spends time with me and take enormous effort to make me feel good by offering jokes. But, work is his life, if he loses what he likes to do in work, that will be a major shock in his life. So this girl he was in love with is a big pillar in his work life, she has helped him to be what he is. Therefore, if she was taken out from his life it can be a big collapse in his life. So, If I am really good, I should let them work together. Even if I am not good, I have no option.

    But, how the hell I will be happy when they are together. Why I get upset when I see him enjoying life with her. This is my problem. After all the things solved with him, I am intolerant to see them together. They say they are work partners only. But he never wanted to leave her alone as they are so called “best friends”. Some people are friends in life which cannot be broken by any means. They help each other, they work with each other, they build themselves up, they defend each other. It is good and he if gifted to have precious friend like her. But, if everyone is good to have good friends, what is my problem to mind my own business.

    This is where I am right now. I am struggling with my feelings. I am trying to mind my own business. I am trying just to talk to and think about and enjoy with the people who are physically present around me. Coz, if otherwise, i will be disturbing people to work. If I get upset about what is going on and if I tend to think that my husband will understand my situation, as i think i am doing a big scarification, then that is the biggest mistake I am doing over and over again.

    I may feel bad, I may have hatred for her, I may feel awkward, I may feel sad, anything is not his problem, All these are my problems. I am in a struggle to cope with my feelings. It is my problem. He is not responsible for my problems. So it shouldn’t even be communicated to him. I need to talk to myself and find a solution for this.

    I feel good when she is not around, I feel bad when she is around. How powerful this girl is. Yes she is powerful. She is not beautiful, but she may be beautiful to him. She may be opportunist, but she is the kindest to him. She is not quite adorable, but she is childish to him. Wait wait wait… who this she is to me. Why she is important to me. This can be another girl if it was not her. So am i going to hate all the girls around. That is not what I should do.

    I can be thankful to my parents for raising me. I can be thankful to my husband for living with me even after he had the opportunity to live with his true love. Oh god he did a big scarification on me. So if is not only me doing the scarification. He is doing a big scarification, He must be missing her love. So we both are struggling in our own ends for what?

    He is going through a gig work pressure in his life. So I should not tell him my problems which is going through my head. It is better that I write it down like this rather than ruining his life. This is how I am talking to myself. But I feel enough of this pain sometimes. But I can’t leave him too.

    He is the best husband anyone can have. He is funny, good looking, helpful, good with my friends, kind, lovable to parents, do not panic for any problem other than this problem, smart, on the winning side, genius, thinks about others, good company, make sure everybody is enjoying life when they are physically around him. But he forgets who is not around him except for special cases like his mother, siblings and pets. People who are physically present are going to have all the advantages of him.
    Now I think I am doing through a major depression, which I don’t think a doctor would heal other than eating some of our money. I sometimes wish I could run away from his, but I fell for his love. I do not have the guts to leave him. But I can live my life independently, which the way he likes too. Coz, now things are turning to my side that I do not allow him to work peacefully. Me being unhappy is making him suffer and do not him to work. Therefore I am not allowed to express myself out. I am not allowed to be sad, it can turn against me for doing the wrong to this family. I can’t be independent for my sadness, it is shared between the two. But still for all other things I can be independent.

    I can feel like he is falling for her. Even if not, I am not the good sex giver. So I can be cheated again too. So I need to keep my gaps with him. I am not going to have a child for life, which will make me more helpless towards him. I wish I can live this life happily one day. But If all this is because my mistakes, I will never be able to. Then what is the meaning of this life.May be help other people before I die, doesn’t matter what husband you live with or, how he treats you. Think this is your last day of life.

  3. Thank you for the positive note on this topic. I think it is important for me to understand that my new partner is a kind and sweet man.

    We have been only dating 2.5 months now but he just started being open about his meetups with his ex-wife. They share a child together and he helped raise her other child too. Now they go to birthday gigs and shopping together. I see he’s trying to fit us both in and I think it tiring for him at times. I do fear there is lingering love as opposed to just a friendship. Perhaps both but he is making life plans with me and is kind and gentle. I think their relationship is mature and admirable though my past relationships have perhaps developed insecurities within me. I am curious to know how you approached conversations with your husband in regards to this topic. How long did it take before he opened up about her? And, how long before you meet her?

  4. He left his wife of 35 yrs to be with me. We were first loves before he met her.we been together a yr and half.he is going to his daughter’s this weekend to visit his grandchildren and his dog who his wife wont let him see without her present.they did sleep with each other during the time we were together trying to see if he was doing the right thing by leaving her,I get that part..now a yr later he will be seeing her again..I’m so distraught thinking he will be with her

  5. His ex likes every post of his social media, and she would click love on his Facebook if I liked the posts. From time to time they went grocery shopping in the weekends and her letters are still posted to his address. She went to his place in some weekends as she missed the cat they shared. They even celebrated his birthday the day after his birthday. Her birthday is coming up this Thursday, and he told me he has work dinner which I am not sure if to believe it or not.
    She rang last Saturday when we had dinner but he didn’t answer the call.

    I spoke to him about my concern weeks ago and he said he just feels responsible to her as she claimed her depression is caused by their broke-up 4 years ago. And he ensuring me that they are just friends and he will not get back to her. However I still feel insecure and anxious. I’m actually feeling nervous as worrying he is celebrating her birthday this Thursday and I might find out he lies to me.

  6. this woman calls on holidays and at lease what seems to me every other day asking can he come outside his answer is yes just let me know when l get filled with anger and feel disrespected

  7. Why is he close to his ex yet, we all know that when you enter a new relationship the old one she take second place. You don’t send lovey dovey messages , you don’t share your secrets of present relationship with your ex and there should be more emotional intimacy between the current partner. You’re not the insecure jealous one, he’s making you feel that way, if I was you I’d wean myself out of this relationship and let them get on with it.

  8. Why does he want to hang out with other girls? That’s the main question you should be asking him.
    Also ask him would he be comfortable if the situation was reversed. Be honest with him why does he hunk you should trust him? Has he given you time to heal. I just don’t get all of this, why are here so many women in toxic relationships with guys who want to see other women, if they have kids together that changes the situation. You need to let him go and be with whoever he wants to be with, this is not the relationship for you if he keeps asking to see other girls.

  9. I met my boyfriend threw my friend he was trying to get her back. Then we got together I have noticed he watches her ALOT when we are all together but says it’s all in my head. She and her boyfriend has said it’s very uncomfortable for them but when confronted he gets very defensive. I feel I should let him be but at same time I love him and he says he loves me. Please help me

  10. I am going through a rocky patch with my boyfriend at the moment. I am pregnant with his child. He has 2 other children to his ex. They were not in a healthy relationship and things ended badly between them. They weren’t speaking at all however now speak to each other every day throughout the day he texts her and they ring each other supposedly about the kids. Today he told me that if she wanted to come down to his for a drink he would be ok with that as they are kind of friends. I find it very difficult to trust this and feel like I am getting dragged along. He always says don’t worry about what you cant control which doesn’t make my anxiety any better. I have tried walking away but I get overwhelmed with jealousy and the thought he might get back with his ex which would break my heart. :{

  11. My bf sees and talks to his ex regularly. She calls him for help constantly and even confides in him when she’s having emotional issues. They have a 10 year old son together and he always tells me co parenting is necessary for his son. I feel like she’s controlling our relationship, he’s afraid she’ll move away with his son if he doesn’t treat her well… but what about me?

  12. My boyfriend is meeting his ex tomorrow for dinner to thank her for helping him with something. I said you can’t just call her by phone? (I had read texts he sent her calling her cutsie pet names that made me very upset in the past)… he said he wants to see her in person. I said ok I’ll come with and he straight up said no. I know he would never cheat, it’s just the fact that he’s seeing her STILL knowing how uncomfortable I am with it. And then told me he won’t have anyone tell him what he can and cannot do. Ugh. I hate the situation but I don’t know if it’s a deal breaker.

  13. Is it ok for my girlfriend to hang out with her son in her ex’s home ! They both cheated on each other and he still tells her she can come home whenever she wants ! Loans her money , and offers to go out like a family . I don’t like her setting foot in his home when we have a home of our own with room for her son . Her son doesn’t like me and doesn’t want to come to our home . Wants his mom to hang out in her ex’s home to be with him ! Am I wrong for not wanting her to go in her ex’s home ?

  14. Truth I love some help I have been with my partner eight months .but seeing each other .year & eight months .Trouble is he still close to he ex they do have a son together..He goes to church with her for spiritual healing .then he sit with her for hours after .He often put her over me .& He talks about her 24 .7 .if I say what I have been doing he say oh my ex did that .I feel he always comparing me to her . I tried to speak to him but was accused of being insecure .please guide me on how to get threw this .I love him so much

  15. I need help. He says its nothing and ask me to trust him. But whenever im not with him, i will keep thinking. It was all well until i knew he was lying to me. He didnt tell her that he already moved on with me and kept her waiting for him. After she knew that we are together and happily have our life together she became crazy, she tried to kill herself. She threatened him. She asks him to leave me. He cried in front me telling all this. Ask me to forgive him. And that he will settle with her slowly. She even got admitted twice and ran back to see her and treat her himself (he’s a doctor and so do i) then i also become crazy. I love him so much. But he keep kn lie and lie to me. He said he cant imagine his life if she die because of our love. He said our love makes him almost kill a girl. Ao he keeps on giving her comfort. Keeps on be around whenever she needs help or feel sad. What should i do?

  16. Please I really need advice
    My boyfriend and I had been going out for over two years . Since he live near by the sea I decided I should be the one to drive up and stay to his place . One day we went out and his phone rang . And I notice the word wife on his phone screen . I was feeling really hurt especially he does not want me to be friend in face book . And then I found out that every time his wife posting her photo in face book he never missed out always put like to it .
    I do love him but I feel that him following his wife and even checking if other man liking her photos I find this as betrayal towards me and our relationship .
    Sometimes I do wonder that perhaps he make love with me but his thought is with his ex wife apparently they only split up because the woman is in Russia and does not want to come over in England .
    In the beginning of our relationship he use to tell me about what their plan was but it never come to reality because she decided not to come here to live for good .But everytime he tells me about it I felt the big knotted in my stomach until I shouted at him .
    But then now he just doing it secretly but I still see it when I try and look to this woman fb i have found out that he is still following her . Do you think this is enough reason that should break up from him ? Please help

  17. Well my story…We made a deal that he wouldn’t see her again and 2 weeks after I asked him with who he made plans when we were suppose to go to dinner with my father. After a minute of him not wanting to tell me, he finally does. I was so mad I just cut off with him. I haven’t spoken to him in 3 days. Its not the first time it happens. They don’t have a child together and they were together only for like 5 to 6 months. He says that she only wanted to see him because his birthday passed. I don’t know what to believe. He has broke this deal a few times now. Even if he is telling the truth, he has no respect to what we agree.

  18. I just got back from flying to my bf’s in another state for a party and had planned on staying most summer. However, at the party his ex lover showed up and I had no idea who she was . I approached her to intro myself and got such an odd vibe that I found my bf and asked who it was . That’s when I knew something was definitely off w her attitude.

    Rest of party we never spoke etc . My bf has told me that she would get back w him at drop of hat etc. I had known about her and knew they’d remained friends from years prior.

    I felt disrespected that before I flew up there I hadn’t been told. He has remained friends w several exes and has slept w some of them during our breakups . Almost like he keeps them as his groupies .

    I left that night by Uber after party and went to hotel crying the entire time. I still am hurt and feel stupid and humiliated and of course he says I’m delusional .

    I can’t decide if I over reacted or not?? I did not cause a scene and spoke to everyone at the party as if nothing wrong . I had a special cake made and helped w party . It costs me so much money to get back home w last min ticket , Uber’s , hotel etc.. right now he hasn’t even contacted me and I am not sure I even want to talk to him .

  19. Thanks for this article, it is so timely with what I am going through.

    My partner and I have only been together for a number of months (I’d say 5 officially). Our situation is a tad weird… I met him at one of my close friend’s birthday dinners about a year and a half ago. At that time he was my friend’s other friend’s boyfriend. About a couple of months after they had broken up (soon after that dinner) he had reached out to me, in which I put him off for up to 8 months considering the mutual connection that we had.

    After almost a year of pursuing me, I finally went on a date with him and soon after we began officially dating. He did mention to me that his friendship with his ex of 3 years (said friend’s, friend… confusing I know) is important, and that they maintain it. I told him that I’m okay with that, however they only began rekindling this friendship as soon as we started dating. He did maintain close contact with his ex’s sister, and therefore by virtue of that still saw his ex. Now they are hanging out privately and doing yoga together, and there’s really no reason for me to worry, however I cannot control this jealousy.

    We’ve had deep discussions about it, and about how I feel, and I asked him if he could slow down their hangouts until we establish more of a foundation since we are a new couple. He said putting boundaries in the beginning is also dangerous and does enable the toxic jealousy that I have, which I do agree with as well. I’ve reached out to her, and mentioned to him that hopefully we can all be able to hang in order to calm my nerves but I don’t think she is comfortable doing that just yet.

    Please help! I DO feel crazy, haha.. I really don’t know what to feel, how much I should expose to him every time he tells me he is hanging with her. It’s all a mess. I pray everyday for God to give me relief, but maybe I’m not fully trusting, and I know that, that is step number one.

  20. I love my boyfriend but the fact that he’s still dating her baby’s mother while dating me it hurts me and I get jealous but she leaves in Durban, she usually calls and he also calls her and send WHATAPP messages telling her he misses her while I’m in the same room as he is and calling babe. I hate that and I can’t tell him to leave her they share a son. he once told me I’m the first women he ever love so deeply in PE and I asked what about your baby’s mother and said “maybe you didn’t hear me clearly I said you are the first in PE my baby’s mother leaves in Durban.

  21. My boyfriend recently got a new job working with his ex girlfriend. He’s now her boss. This complicates everything because he has to talk to her. I usually wouldn’t be bothered by something like this except, he always seems so fond of her when he talks about their interactions and it hurts. He seems to admire her. I remember when he first started this new position, he was being so stubborn and at many points flat out refusing to not have contact with her through text. He finally came around, but the fact that he was so resistant coupled with his fondness of her makes me really uncomfortable. She broke up with him and then they would occasionally meet up to have casual sex. We’ve been together for 3 years. Am I overreacting? I can’t help but shake the feeling that he still thinks about her. Any advice?

  22. i have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 2 and half years now. However the beginning of our relationship was quite messy as he had just broken up with his ex-girlfriend and it was about 1 month later we started dating. The idea of his ex-girlfriend never really sat well with me even though he reassured me that she is nothing in comparison to me. This time last year he wanted to meet up with his ex-girlfriend and i got so anxious and jealous that they they would re-kindle their relationship and he would somehow fall back for her. She has moved overseas and comes back once a year hence why he wanted to see her last time but i couldn’t handle it. She is coming back again and more than likely he will want to meet up with her, they never ever speak throughout the year so i have a hard time understanding why if they are really good friends. I just dont know what to do this time around because i want to trust him and i do but with her i always feel so uneasy.

  23. My boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend was reintroduced into his life just before we started seeing each other. I was not aware of this until about little over a month after we had been hanging out. They have been apart for about 5 years at this point. She got married and had two children with another man. She also has a son with my boyfriend, whom he did not see during the five years that they were apart. She was reintroduced into his life because he got a lawyer and started to fight to see his son. They got a parenting plan and he was able to see his Sun one weekend out of every month and some extra in the summer and holidays. At the same time that this was going on, she was divorcing her husband, man who my boyfriend’s send new as his dad. About 10 months later she ask my boyfriend if they could swap their roles in the parenting plan and he would take the son for a year. Stating that she needed a break in the three months since they decided to do this, instead of following the parenting plan, she is only taking him for one weekend And just shows up in town whenever she feels like it. Usually without warning. Instead of taking him to do things, she hangs out at the house with him for hours at a time. This makes me very uncomfortable. The part that bothers me most, is the way my boyfriend asked when I bring up my feelings. He says he has no problem with it and I shouldn’t either. We were all there at the same time last night oh, another surprise visit. She was hanging out in the living room the whole time. I did not feel comfortable hanging out while she was there, so I ask my boyfriend if he would spend some time in his bedroom. You spent about 5 minutes in there with me, and then went back down to the living room. In a couple hours that she was there, he spent about probably 7 Minutes in the same room as me. And the rest of the time in the room with her. They weren’t even talking for the majority of the time, so I’m not sure why he felt the need to be in there. I was not angry about this, but I was hurt. When I express my thoughts and feelings to him, he got angry with me and told me I was being ridiculous. That I was being selfish and was thinking about breaking up with me for being that way. I told him that I was not angry and all that I wanted was for him to acknowledge my feelings. You told me I was wrong and that if I wanted to stay together I needed to get over it or keep my feelings to myself. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think it’s okay for me to hold feelings inside and Stu on them when they would potentially affect our relationship in a bad way. I would rather discuss them in a calm loving manner. When I told him that he told me that he was very irritated with me and didn’t want to talk to me about it anymore. Again telling me that I was wrong for feeling the way I felt. I know I could probably handle things more like a grown up, but I do believe that my feelings are valid and should not be treated like they are wrong. An outside opinion would be helpful. Thank you.

  24. Hi….I’m vivi from Indonesia, in relationship with divorced men, we are fiance now. I jealous when he talk about her, not often but sometime he talk about her when we while talk about something topic. I’m not feel insecure, i trust him and i know he love and not will cheating on me, but i don’t know i still jealous :( , you right, i think it maybe because my past with my ex boyfriends. What supposed i do with my fiance now? That’s right if i tell him about my feeling? That’s bother him? I just want him to not too often talk about her, because i Jealous. He will understand my feeling?
    I’m sorry about my english, i speak little english.
    just try to share with you, thank you for you advice and your time to read my story. So appreciated for your respond.

  25. My boyfriend plans on going to his ex’s house the week before thanksgiving and I feel upset, uncomfortable, and jealous. How do I get over being jealous, upset, and uncomforable?

  26. It’s impossible for me to know if you’re feeling jealous because you’re picking up on signals from your boyfriend that he likes his ex girlfriend and would cheat on you, or because you’re insecure about yourself and your relationship.

    I don’t know the answer….but you do!

    What makes you feel jealous when your boyfriend sees his ex girlfriend? Your “Spidey senses” are tingling…why is that?

    Has jealousy or insecurity affected your past relationships?

    Has your boyfriend cheated before? If he has cheated in the past, was it on you or in a different relationship?

    Start writing your thoughts on those questions, and see what emotions and insights come to you. Feel free to share your thoughts here, if you’d like. I’m listening!


  27. my boyfriend, he has an ex and i don’t know if i am very sure of what he does. after school they have to take a bus and they sit together and laugh and talk and my friend had told me he saw them doing all that. the way his ex looks at him is big. she looks as she has feelings still and she could manipulate him and try to get back with him and i have told him i am uncomfortable with the situation he says they are just friends and i trust him i do but i don’t trust her. i just don’t know if i am over reacting or if him saying that he won’t stop contact is a bad thing. i need help.please.

  28. Need help! I started seeing a guy- been 3 months. he was in a relationship with a woman for 9 years- they were about to get married. They both share a cat and exchange the cat every month. They recently broke in July 2016 so approx 7 months ago. I am not comfortable about this whole cat exchanging situation where they see each other every month twice. He says he is over his ex but my gut says otherwise. Her facebook/instagram is still have their pictures from vacations, engegament and other events. I dont want to be his rebound girl. Any advice /suggestion would be helpful.

  29. Really need help I recently just found my partner is talking to ex girlfriend they were together for 4 years, me and partner did date recently in the past but he did cheat on me then, but we decided to put that in the past now, but he did say to me that he was going to his ex girlfriend this weekend and he did ask if I was OK with that me being silly said I am fine with it, but now the more I have thought about it am actually scared about what’s going to happen, just really need some advice on how to cope with it falling apart here.

  30. Well, my boyfriend had broken up with his ex for 13months ago. They were in a relationship for 3 years and live together. After they broke up, he still let him sleep in the same room next to him on his bed for 4-5 months. Then after his ex gf moved out, he allowed her to keep her stuff ( clothes, make-up and …) in his house , his room, like almost everywhere. until 6 months ago we started our relationship but he still kept her belongings in his house. I dunno whether is right or wrong to feel uncomfortable bout it. They do still text each other but not too often. Besides that , even after he had me , he still let his ex gf to keep his house key. As if any time she’s welcome to visit. I once had a talk with him and told him how I felt. He told me he did not ask her to take her belongings away and return the key because he’s not the type of person who doesn’t like to do things too obvious. What kind of reason is this ? He said he will ask her to take back her stuff and return the house key but until now 3 months pass he still did not do anything ….

    When they were still in a relationship, they both had 2 lovely dog. He pays for everything for the dog and took care of them but his ex gf only plays with them. Now one of the dog gave birth to 4 cute little puppies. And recently I found out that his ex wants to visit his house and just to play with his new puppies and dog. Should I feel insecure if my bag agreed to let his ex enter his house just to play with his pet ? Am I being unreasonable to be angry and emotional bout it ?

  31. I am in a similar situation, I’m seeing a woman who has kids. Her ex is coming here to this country and will be staying with her and her kids for a few weeks. They’ve been divorced for over 5 years. I’ve been divorced for 4 years. We’ve been seeing each other for only 5 months but it is serious.. She assures me there is nothing there. He has no where to stay and it’s for the kids. I trust her but still makes me crazy uncomfortable. Let me know any feedback.

  32. Trust your intuition. If there’s something not right about your boyfriend seeing his ex girlfriend, your gut instincts will tell you! Sometimes it’s not just about learning how to cope with jealousy…it’s about trusting your intuition that something isn’t right.

    If you think your boyfriend isn’t committed to your relationship, this article may help:

    How to Tell if Your Boyfriend Has Commitment Issues

    If you make the right choices now, you won’t regret it. Be strong!

  33. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and never met his ex. His ex has kids but they are not his but he calls the 2 older ones his step kids. What I don’t like is that my boyfriend and his ex constantly text throughout the day. I bothers me and I mentioned it to him. He told me that he is a social person and it’s his phone. So he can do whatever he wants. When my boyfriend goes and visits the ex and kids he is their all day. That bothers me too. When I bring it up to him all he says is don’t change me I’ve been doing this way before you come into the picture. Why not visit for a couple hours and come home. I really don’t get it. When I ask to meet the ex and her kids and he tells me it’s not up to him. I feel that my feelings are being taken for granted.

  34. Here is my issue – My GF still insists on texting and seeing her ex-husband. Her reason for still seeing him is that she says that she feels like a mother not being able to let go of a child. Not only do I have to sit back and take her meeting with him whenever they want, she text him in front of me when I’m supposed to be spending time with her. Someone please tell me that I’m dumb. This has been a hot button issue with us for some time now.

  35. the girlfriend or am i

    ok so I feel crazy at times, long story short my boyfriend still talks to his ex girlfriend. he says that he doesn’t want her and that he loves me mind you we have cared about each other for more then 10 years but never acted on anything due to one of use always being with someone when the other was single back and forth. Anyways, so he talks to his ex “because” as he says only to find out about her kid and when he gets to have the ex’s kid over for the weekends and during the kids class breaks. She turned 7 years old in dec 2015 and mind you this isn’t his kid. He just let her call him daddy from like age 3. I don’t have a problem with him seeing the kid its just hard to hear her calling him daddy and him calling her his kid when she is around. The bigger problem I have is when im there and she stays the night she wants to be in his bed and I don’t like that and wont share a bed with my bf and his exs kid. I left his house last night in the middle in the night when she wouldn’t go to bed and he let her lay in the bed with us. he went in the middle with his back to me and held her. So I left and he thinks that im overreacting to leave and be upset that when the kid is there he acts different with me and wil let her get in bed with him. the other day I left in the morning and he told her she could come in the bed. I came back from the store to find her sleeping in bed with him. I left I cant deal with the bed sharing and its heard to hear the daddy and child stuff it kinda makes me feel that he keeps this kid around bc she looks just like the mom. help pulling my hair out.

  36. I am in exactly the same boat. In some ways it feels good to not be alone…
    My boyfriend and I have been together just short of a year too. His ex and him broke up three years ago, and he claims in the two they were together he didn’t love her – they were just good friends. She definitely loved him though, and I think she still does. She pops up nearly daily to see what he’s up to, just small little comments and almost reminders that she exists. She also tries to speak to his family. They all shrug it off as harmless, she’s miles away in a new job, but I can’t help but find it threatening. She hasn’t since had a boyfriend and so I presume she’s worried she won’t find anyone else. The jealousy in me would love to message her and say she’s wasting her time, but I don’t want to seem crazy. She’s moving back to where we all live in the next month or so and I’m besides myself worrying. She probably wants to see him. How do we deal with it?

  37. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. Our relationship is really good, we’re open and honest with each other, we are always on the same page, we laugh…we get along SO well. The only problem is that he almost cheated on me 4 months ago. He started talking to this girl on some hookup website and made plans to meet her. He lied to me about his plans, telling me he was reconnecting with one of his old friends. He didn’t go through with it because he felt really guilty and realized that it was entirely wrong. I came home from work one day to him confessing about what he did. He told me everything and he felt really bad. He was so ashamed that he couldn’t even look at me for a while. He begged for me to stay and did everything he could to make it up to me. But now he’s been wanting to reconnect with 2 girls from his past. He claims that I am the one, he loves me more than anything, and that both girls from his past don’t even make up half of me. He also claims that he would never do anything to lose me or jeapordize our relationship. Everytime he’s thinking about hanging out with one of them, he asks me so it’s not like he is going behind my back. We’ve gotten into so many fights about it. Ever since 4 months ago when he almost cheated, it’s been once every two weeks (approx) that he’s asked me to hang out with another girl. I keep telling him over and over again how I feel but he tells me that it doesn’t make any sense why I feel the way I do, that I’m just insecure and jealous and I don’t trust him. Maybe that is true but I also feel like he isn’t giving me time to heal from what happened 4 months ago. I honestly don’t know what to do or how to feel anymore. Our relationship is perfect outside of this. I don’t want to lose him because of this….I really need help learning how to trust him with other girls after what happened.

  38. My bf recently got in contact with his ex. I’m 18 he’s 20. We’re in college. His ex doesn’t go to our school but she and my bf are from the same town. He told me he visited her over break because he was really close with her family. He said before he goes off to school, the girl’s mom gives him mini toothpastes to use because she’s a dental hygienist. My bf told me his ex has a bf at school. I saw her Facebook and she does have one and posts about him all the time.. My bf told me she seems happy with her bf. I didn’t like that he visited her. We fought about it and he said he told me because he wanted me be in the loop about whatever was going on. Of course I worry. He said they agreed to be friends and they will text each other. He lives an hour away from school but doesn’t have a car. One night his ex texted him, what he’s doing tonight. He was with me so he ignored it. She then was like ‘helloooo??’
    He knows I’m insecure so he says, “you’re my girl” he also says, “don’t go anywhere” like don’t cheat. He said his mom cheated on his dad and he lost respect for her. I told him, “I won’t go anywhere if he doesn’t go anywhere.” And he said he’s going nowhere. This girl was his first girlfriend. They were together for 3 months and his gf went off to college and found someone else. He said he’d was sad and depressed for a few months.

  39. I just came across this and had to ask a question. I have been with my boyfriend for about 10 months now, moved in shortly after we got together… He is the first honestly good man I’ve been with… And I’m terrified.

    I knew him and his ex were good friends but I didn’t realize how good. They were together 3 years and broke up 3 years ago. They talk everyday, everything he shares with me he shares with her too. Our relationship is no secret to her and their friendship is no secret to me. He is open about most things But gets a bit defensive if I ask about her.
    But I made the mistake of going through facebook in a fit of insecurity and found how much he loved her. He’s felt a bit distant from me lately and I have this sick feeling that he will never love me like he loved her. I realize I am being Very insecure but it is literally eating me alive… I have been told by his friends he is trustworthy but I still don’t completely trust him.

    How can I trust that they are platonic? How can I trust that in time he won’t get sick of me? I have become obsessed to the point it is affecting my job and even how I treat him… And I worry he notices because I’ve been very clingy and my energy is different. I’m so, so scared :(

  40. Depends what their reasons for breaking up are. It is important for the child to see their mother and father be amicable. Have you explained to you boyfriend how you feel? I still have to see my ex and we have a son together, I know I can’t be with him again. Hope you sort it out, she needs to respect your feelings more.

  41. Thank you , my boyfriend of 3 months is insisting on seeing his ex on his birthday. They were only together 5 months and both have kids from previous relationships. I explained to him I wasn’t happy about it but he just said I was being insecure and didn’t trust him. He said they only get together so the kids can play together. I’m not buying into that .

  42. At our end what will we end with? I believe only the love we remember or have from our own immediate family truly matters. I personally am tired of feeling less than who I really am. I know I am a very strong woman in and out even if it cannot be seen sometimes. I choose me. I give you all who read this my love and prayers but I hope you find peace in your hearts. I only ask that if you have your own children involved they like you will always come first. It’s true, you have to love yourself in ordered to truly love someone else… love yourself enough or especially your child to make that change in your life. I will be praying for all of you.

  43. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you for being here, and for having courage to share about your relationship! It takes a lot of strength to admit how you really feel about what’s going on with your boyfriend.

    If you’re coping with jealousy in your relationship, you may want to learn how to build your self-confidence and self-esteem. The stronger and the healthier you are, the more clearly you’ll be able to see your relationship.

    Who are you, outside of your relationship? If you’re struggling with your identity, maybe it’s time to start reconnecting with yourself. What sorts of things could you be doing to build yourself up and become stronger, happier, and healthier?

    You might also want to learn how to cope with feelings of jealousy when your boyfriend sees his ex-girlfriend. Read How to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationship for tips.

  44. For 6 long years I’ve been dealing with my husband ex babymom she doesn’t let him talk to his daughter but she texts him from her behalf on birthday and holidays and when I bring it to his attention he yells at me saying I’m jealous is not jealousy it gets me piss that she texts while his daughter is with his mom he speaks to his daughter because of his mother but the ex won’t left the daughter call him why does he overreact when I bring to his attention calls me nasty names like stupid jealous but if my kid father would do it which he doesn’t he will text him saying don’t disrespect his wife I don’t understand why I can’t do the same thing I always have to deal with it is getting to a point that I’m thinking of getting a divorce because she doesn’t stop and I can’t say nothing about her texting happy birthday or happy thanksgiving or merry Christmas happy new year happy valentines day happy Easter why is it OK for her to do it and for me to get yelled about when I say something

  45. Im dealing with my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend, we have been together for a litlle while. They have a son together but i feel insecure at times cause i have to see her at his family events which his mom encourages all his brothers exs to come too cause they have children with them, im def not used to this and do not enjoy it at all. When hes around her he totally loses focus on me and i dont wanna have to fight for his attention! He doesnt have to deal with this from me, my exs are in my past and they stay there… his ex also would post stuff on his facebook and he said they were really good friends but i feel she still loves him or isnt over their relationship, she doesnt have a boyfriend and i really wished she would get a boyfriend and move on with her life! Im so confused ughhhh… i love him but idk what to do i feel like im going insane.

  46. Hi, my boyfriend & I have been together for two years. Few months ago we took a break because our relationship was a little rocky & both slept with other people. Once we ended up getting back together we openly talked about how we slept with other people & decided we could move on from it & be together still. However, my boyfriend is good friends with the girl he slept with & they constantly talk. When confronting him about it he says he’s committed to me & they’re just friends. They haven’t dated in 5 years & their relationship was short but the fact they text everyday & see each other when out with friends concerns me. He has many friends that are girls that I like a lot & have no concern about. This other girl would be no different if they didn’t recently have sex. I’ve brought it up a few times with really no solution other than she’s just a friend. How do I go about bringing it up & finding a solution that won’t drive him away? I still want to be with him but when I see him texting her I get all moody & it ruins our whole time together.

  47. My now partner still feels the need to spend time with his ex wife and kids who are men. Aged 31, 29 and 26. They are not children. Why does he want to see her still. And how do I deal with it

  48. Hi there,
    Came across your blog because I, as many of the women above have questioned myself as to whether or not I have a legitimate concern about my boyfriend and his relationship with his ex.
    She has a boyfriend, and she and my ex have been broken up now for almost a year.(only about 3 months before we met.) they also do some business together.
    I am not a jealous person, normally, and am pretty confident. And to be honest I have met her on several occasions and have gotten to know her and actually like her quite a bit! But this is the thing…it seems like when she is around. Even when her boyfriend is there, my boyfriend is hyper-focused on her..it’s like, so and so did this or yup, that’s right! That was MY exgirlfriend! Or ahuh!! He’s first to jump in and answer questions about her if someone asks(before her boyfriend can even open his mouth.)
    If it weren’t for the fact that my boyfriend is somewhat “boisterous” I would think it would actually be almost comical….sad to say…:(
    I didn’t say anything while we were there at this particular function because I hate to cause a scene. Plus I also like to mull things over to make sure I’m not blowing them out of proportion?
    So he noticed I was quiet and asked me. I hesitated to say anything because he has a hard time opening up emotionally because he has some serious emotional baggage. So talking about things like this is tough for us both.
    He has told me he loves me, not sure tho if he’s “in love” with me. Big difference as far as I’m concerned.
    Guess I’m throwing too much garbage in here. But my question is.. Is this something I should be concerned with? Does he still have feelings for her, or maybe just can’t let go because it’s a control thing? Don’t know… He wants her and I to be friends, and I get that. I am the same with several of my exes so I understand this.
    Any thoughts or advice would be welcome.
    We have been together for 8 months and are exclusive. And are in our 50’s. Btw, don’t know where we are heading either because he says he’s not sure what he wants “still” at this point. Even tho I have kids.

  49. I came here through googling “boyfriend still in touch with ex”…. really don’t know what to do and am grateful that i found this post, validating my feelings. My man (of a few months now) is perfect for me in so many ways and very open and upfront. He has two kids, one with an ex wife who he gets unsupervised contact with regularly, which is fab, i do not feel at all threatened abd am glad for him and his son. However the other kid is with a jealous bitter ex. She uses their son to control him.she has 100% full control over contact and insists on being there during his contact with his son. She often will cancel contact or in fact spring it on him out of the blue. He just sits back n takes it to keep the peace but i am really uneasy with the whole set up of them playing happy families every week. She is young, half his age in fact, and pretty and i feel very anxious to the point where i dont think i can carry on in this relationship but i care for this man a lot so dont wanna cause aggro or make his life harder by making a fuss…there is no solution unless he is willing to go to court…and he isnt. We had a day out planned with my kids tomorrow and he has just found out he is seeing his son n ex so cant be with us. I think tonight will be the night i end it before i fall any deeper :-(

  50. Very good words for me to hear, Lulu, thank you. I’m looking around for people who feel the same as me. You are totally right about being confident.

  51. The roles can be reversed too. My relatively new lady friend left her partner of 20+ years to be in a relationship with love and affection — ours. But she still has regular contact with her ex (they have a 22-year-old daughter) by txt, messages, and probably visits that I don’t know about. I knew this situation from the beginning and explained that I wasn’t going to stop her talking to the guy but there has to be boundaries and respect for the new relationship — and no secrets relating to interactions with her ex. Well there’s certainly been some insecurity on my part, I won’t deny that, and crazy thoughts. Mostly this is because of suspicious activity like finding out they have been out to lunch and movies together, shopping trips, and who knows what else, I’ll never know… Text messages that suggest meetings and text messages which she deletes and denies even existed. Sure, I’m reassured they are “just friends” and want to keep in touch, I can understand that, but the shady actions just make me nervous and worried she’s not being honest enough with me. I can’t help but try and find out where I stand and wonder if the other guy is just too close to her still, and if they communicate too much — but it’s impossible to police, as the articles says.

  52. Hey. Well im not an expert or anything but hopefully this helps.
    What i know is that right now you shouldnt even bother her at all even if u think slightly that your boyfriend can go back to her. That is not true. Your mind just keeps on playing games with you. So just throw all that away. Men like strong and confident women. So my advice to you is that treat him perfectly. Show him you care. Show him reasons why you are the best for him and that you will never be the girl that left him or played on him. Every person needs an action not just words…But if u keep on bothering about the first one. You wont focus on ur relationship with him and he will think that you’re just lost. And things might get complicated. We dont want that. So act very mature and sometimes i know it might hurt but if you love him. You will fight for him no matter what and im sure you are a strong woman. Anyhow,live the moment now with him and have alot of memories cz every second of ur life together could be worthed. So dont waste it on things that is unrealistic. Im sure he loves you very much. So dont let your love be wasted on imaginations. Good luck.:)

  53. Hi I desperately need your advice. My husband and I have been married for 9 years now with 1 child. For the past couple of months he has been in contact with an ex girlfriend. I have asked him not to be and have asked her to leave him alone. He assured me that he asked her to stop contacting him but obviously hasn’t happened. I really dont know what to do. Please help me

  54. Okay so I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years… His ex who he dated on and off for 7 years is a big issue in our relationship. A few times he has went back to her and decided that he just wanted to be friends. That failed a few times because she is still attached. She is 3 years older then him and till this day I can’t seem to find a reason as to why she is still in his life and putting the effort into trying to stay close to his family and friends. I would love an outside opinion and a different view because i cannot find peace. She does not like me and she is constantly on social media talking to his friends, remaining in contact with family members, and what not. I feel that by now she should be done and over with him and not finding the need to be involved in his life. They do not talk or see each other but her presence in his life with other people bothers me. I do not feel threatened by her image wise she is getting old and life has taken a toll on her, and I do not know her personally. So why am I so bothered ? I often times check up on her and when I see posts that she writes in his family’s things it bothers me… My anxiety does not help at all either

  55. I understand where u r coming from!! My bf of 3 yrs has an 8 yr old son. We also have a son that’s almost one. Lately he hasn’t been talking to me openly about regular stuff. He says he realizes he needs to be more open with me but hasn’t been. This has been goin on for a while. Well his ex called him for relationship advice and he took the time to talk to her but it’s never in front of me that he speaks to her and he said they only talk if it’s about their son. I ask him things about anything and I dnt get feedback I get a shrug or an I don’t know response. He did tell me she called and I just was like really?? Like she doesn’t have female friends to call. I’m just so upset and he said I was being dramatic. She has crossed some lines before and obviously she hasn’t been told what’s up. I feel like if he doesn’t then I feel like I should def let her know. Just annoying as FK!!!

  56. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Sometimes it’s difficult to know if you’re jealous because you’re picking up on something between your boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend, or if you’re just insecure. I was insecure for the first couple years of my marriage, no matter how much my husband reassured me. This was because of my own low self-esteem, not because of anything my husband did. He didn’t even see his ex-girlfriend!

    One of the best tips on how to cope with jealousy when your boyfriends sees his ex-girlfriend is to know who you are. Get a sense of confidence and security not from your boyfriend, but from God. If you could see yourself as God sees you, you’ll never be insecure again!

  57. My boyfriend constantly texted his ex and when I asked him he said that it was because he was just friends with her and that he there’s nothing going on. They were together for two years and the other day she called him because she said her mom hit her and he went to go take her out. He stopped hanging out with her in school but I know they still have communication. The other day she stopped him in front of me and she talked to him for a while with me just standing there. I asked him what it was about and he didn’t tell me.bsometimes I feel I’m overreacting but I feel like she still hasn’t gotten over him. I try to make conversations with him sometimes and he doesn’t respond well and I don’t know why if he says he loves me.

  58. sandra I knw the situation you are going through.it is like mine.i hv a bf who has a son wth her ex so nw thy r starting getting along n m pregnant of his child.so his ex started sending him love messages n so my bf is visiting not telling me

  59. If you’re entering a new relationship …isn’t more a matter of being wise to what you’re getting into … Rather than jealousy ,or insecurity?
    I’m thinking that getting into & continuing a situation with a man who still has his ex visiting & staying at his house may just not be prudent .
    As I see it that’s just a matter of logic , not insecurity .
    Life is short and there’s plenty of men without this circumstance & who are truly available .

  60. I have been with my bf for 2yrs.. Im 6months pregnant with his baby… The problem is his lies and his ex…. They have been split up for a number of years she is in a relationship and they have a child but the problem is she snaps her fingers and he goes running and im really angry bout it…. He works 6days a week and never msgs or phones just to check up on me and see how i am yet the other day he receives a msg from her sayin thanks for checkin up on me, we need to defo catch up and go for a few beers and u can also show me scan pics so obviously hes been chattin with her bout my pregnancy… He has made me feel so insecure but he lies about when he see’s her and when i question him bout it he either gets frustrated with me or says nothin…. He has completely lost my trust in him because of all the lies…. But im at the stage of where i dont know what to do and i have all these hormones flying about goin crazy due to bein pregnant…..

  61. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    What if the best way to cope with jealousy when your boyfriend sees his ex girlfriend is to release all expectations? That is, don’t have any expectations of him, his behavior, or his thoughts about his ex. When you find yourself obsessing or feeling jealous about your boyfriend’s ex, what if you refocused on creating a better, healthier, happier, more peaceful life for yourself?

    What’s driving you crazy are your thoughts about your boyfriend. You’re imagining all sorts of things, and that’s making it impossible for you to figure out how to cope with jealousy when your boyfriend sees his ex.

    Instead, what if you trusted that the future is going to unfold exactly the way it’s supposed to, and you WILL BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT? You can’t change the future by being consumed with jealousy about your boyfriend. The only thing your obsession and jealousy is doing is destroying your present moment.

    What if the best tip on how to cope with jealousy when your boyfriend sees is ex is to simply stop those thoughts when they arise? Replace the obsession with a healthy interest in what’s before you. Your job, your friends, your dog, your parents, your blog….your life.

  62. Thanks for this article. I’m struggling a little with insecurity about my boyfriends ex wife.

    They’re in regular contact as they have kids and they’re fairly friendly, having divorced 10 years ago.

    I decided early on that he loved her still (she cheated on him but he takes the blame for “not listening to her”, he wanted to give it another go “for the kids sake” but she rejected him).

    I tried not to let this bother me. She was his first love and mother if his kids so I respected it. Plus she was remarried and had knocked my fella back so didn’t seem a threat.

    We’re 6 months in and she’s now single, I’m getting a bad vibe that he would rather be with her. I think it could be I security due to my past experience but then my gut instincts are usually right and, if I had trusted me gut in previous relationships would have been saved heartache.

    I feel insecure and vulnerable even though he treats me wonderfully.

    Any suggestions on how I discuss it with him (without sounding like the “psycho jealous exes” he’s told me about).

  63. My boyfriend is divorced. His wife had cheated on him so he left her, they were together for 10 years. I meet him about 6 months after the divorce. We hit it off immediately and fell in love only a few months after that. I initially had some insecurity that I was his rebound but he’s had his rebound phase before I met him. And he’s demonstrated over and over again that I mean the world to him. He said he wished he met years ago and that he truly believes he and I are meant for each other. He’s kind and very loving. However, we’ve been together for over a year now, and throughout our relationship he’s talks about his ex and has even compared me to her. I’ve mentioned something that I’ve done and he’s occasionally stated that his ex did this as well. They don’t talk. She’s met up with him once to give him some of his personal belongings and she’s texted him a few times. He says he wants nothing to do with her, he’s told her that he’s changing his number, and that he doesn’t want to talk to her. He tells me anytime she does contact him because he knows it bothers me, which I really appreciate and he assures me that he loves me and she has no part in his life anymore.
    Now am I just being oversensitive? Or is the compraison and talking about her a sign he’s not over her or his divorce? I love him and I don’t want my jealousy and insecurity to tear us apart.

  64. Thanks so much for this article, I’m also going through something, and I just cant work out if its ‘my problem’ or ‘our problem’

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months now, and before we were going out he had a very serious long distance relationship, they basically broke up due to the distance and the fact it wasn’t going anywhere. I was there in full support of him throughout this and it was months later that we slowly realised we wanted to be together.

    He’s still in contact with his ex, and she is a lovely woman, and essentially nothing but distance went wrong, so I can understand them staying in touch, and I never want to ask him to stop speaking to her. But the frequency is bothering me. Its got to a point where, if i’m out of town, I’m assuming he’s going to be skyping his ex. And this week whilst I was away he was horrendously stressed. I only found out when I got home, and wished I could have been there for him, and though he’s said nothing, whilst we were sending a message together on his phone I noticed his most recent messages were to his ex, confirming the start of another Skype conversation the day before I got back. He had told me he was a bit of an emotional wreck with stress the day before and that was why he hadn’t been in touch and it’s really hurting me to think that he went to his ex for support as I was away. I had no signal in my room, but was finding it every few hours specifically to see if he/my family had been in touch.

    I want him to be happy, and be supported, but I’m terrified that I cant be the one there for him if his ex is still his emotional support. And I’m terrified he’s going to realise he made a mistake and should still be with his ex.

    I refused to date him the first two times he asked, even though I wanted to, as I was worried it was too soon after his breakup, in the end he convinced me he had moved on, and I was scared of missing my opportunity, so we went for it. Since then he’s admitted that looking back he wasn’t over his ex when we started going out. And I’m so insecure about this all. I just cant work out if I should be concerned/upset that he’s going to his ex instead of me, or I’m over reacting. I’m no stranger to being cheated on, so I know I’m sensitive to this kind of thing. I’d hate to be unfair with him. but this is worrying me so much!

  65. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hello Sophie,

    Putting restrictions on your boyfriend is one way to cope with jealousy about his ex-girlfriend, but it may cause long-term problems. For instance, it turns you into more of a jailer than a girlfriend. It’ll create suspicion and you’ll need to start checking up on him to ensure that he’s not seeing his ex-girlfriend or just having a drink or two instead of getting drunk together. It’s just too hard to police your boyfriend’s actions, and that’s why restrictions don’t really work. You’ll also have to decide where to draw the line – for instance, can he get extremely drunk with girls who aren’t his ex-girlfriends? What about really pretty girls, or girls who sleep around?

    How did you find out that your boyfriend got extremely drunk with his ex-girlfriend? That’s an indication of trust in your relationship – and of the basis of your feelings of insecurity about your boyfriend. If he isn’t honest and forthright about his actions, then you can’t trust him. And as you know, trust is the basis of a healthy long-term relationship. Do you trust your boyfriend?

    I’m curious about your earlier statement that you were looking for a “no strings attached hook up relationship.” That may also be part of why you’re having a difficult time knowing how to cope with jealousy when your boyfriend sees his ex-girlfriend. If you’re familiar with the type of lifestyle that allows people to just hook up without commitment, then of course you’ll be nervous when your boyfriend gets drunk with his ex-girlfriend. You know that he’s doing what everybody in your circle does: have meaningless sex.

    When you talk to your boyfriend about your feelings of jealousy when he sees his ex-girlfriend, what does he say?

  66. Melissa I’m curious if you left him. I noticed this post was from a few years ago. I would not have excepted that at all. I’m curious if he ended up with the ex because it sounded like that’s what he wanted…,5 kids I think that’s so unfair to you and your children!

  67. Hi, so I am dealing with some insecurity issues regarding my boyfriend and his kind of ex. So we both live in a dorm, and in the beginning of the year, him and the ex liked each other and were becoming a thing. However, he stopped it before it became anything official because he didn’t believe in having a relationship in the dorm. (All three of us live in the same dorm). So, where I came in was a little before that when we were friends. I had recently came out of a relationship and really was just looking for a no strings attached kind of hookup deal with someone, and there was a level of attraction and friendship where we both that it could work. So we started to talk, almost immediately after he had ended things. However, I was unaware of that situation until after we had already started talking. Then, as time went by, we started to like each other and we started to date. Obviously that caused a little bit of drama, since he had just said he didn’t want a relationship in the dorm, but was then having one. So it was definitely awkward between us and her. Fast forward, we have been a little on and off and we weren’t official for awhile. Now though, we are official and things have been going very well. However, he has started to be friends with the kind of ex once again, and it should be noted that she is in his friend group, so it’s kind of impossible to avoid her, which is fine. I understand he is friends with her and he cares a lot about his friends, and I’m not asking for him to stop being friends with her. It’s just that I have become very insecure and nervous about it lately, as they have become better and better friends, and I always see them texting or they are hanging out their group. Last night, I told him that I am going to really try to come around to her and get to know her in order to ease the tension, and make myself less insecure. However, last night I just learned that he got extremely drunk with her and his friends. I knew he was going to go out drinking with them, but he assured me he would not get that drunk. Now, I am trying hard to be okay with it but the thought of him and her being extremely intoxicated together kind of makes my stomach turn. I’m really not okay with this, and I don’t know if I am being unreasonable because they are friends, or if I have a right to tell him not to get drunk with her cause of their past. I just need some objective advice, because I certainly don’t want jealousy to ruin my relationship.

  68. Thank you for posting this article! Many women seem to struggle with this situation and having a boyfriend who is in touch with an ex is really hard and makes you insecure and unnerves you. I’ve just recently separated from my husband about 6 months ago and now how a another lovely man in my life. I’m determined not to repeat the same mistakes I made in my marriage. I was very insecure and jealous and it really made the relationship very hard. I used to get so angry. I now am really tested as the man I’m with now is very attractive and has several ex-casual girls “friends” he used to spend time with that are now his friends. He has not been with anyone seriously for 4 years and I know he is crazy about me. I’m trying to keep an open mind and push through this. Any tips?? From all the comments I’m reading about all the women in different situations, trust is the hardest thing to give as heart break and being backstabbed is one of the hardest emotions to have to go through. We must stay strong and maybe gently ask him (when you are both in a great mood), “do you still have feelings for her?” If the answer is “no” TRUST HIM. I KNOW, harder said them done, but otherwise you can never be in any healthy and happy relationship. Believe me, I struggle with this but honestly, if he is telling you that he is hanging out with her and still speaks to her there is nothing to hide. Try and keep an open mind girls and push through the jealous emotion. It will pass. Remember, this also give you the freedom to still be in touch with your own ex and male friends. This gives you freedom! Stay strong girls! Thanks for all the posts.

  69. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here – it takes alot of courage to express how you feel when you’re coping with jealousy! It’s painful when your boyfriend sees his ex-girlfriend, especially if you’re in a new relationship. I remember being very jealous when my husband talked about his ex. I couldn’t stand it if he actually saw her, or stayed at her place.

    I wish you God’s peace and blessing on your relationship with your boyfriend. May you and he build trust, and may he be wholly devoted to you. If he is not, my prayer is that you find the courage and strength you need to let him go, and move on with your life.


  70. I have been dating ‘W’ for 9-10 months. Right in the beginning, he was up front about his ex-girlfriend. Apparently, he supported her for years over their tumultuous 11-year relationship. They broke up about 1.5 years ago. He told me that he was still paying for her health insurance which is like $300/month. I didn’t really like all this, but he said he was actively trying to get her off the insurance so I let it slide. Shortly after we became official, she sort-of cyber bullied me on FB – I’ll spare you the details. W down-played the psycho-ness of the situation, but removed the post to make me happy. After this, I asked him to block her and that I would appreciate if he limited contact with her on texts, instagram, etc. He has made it repeatedly clear that they were/are/and will still be in contact and I might see texts from her. I have told him several times that this bothers me and he always says that “she was really important to me for 11 years, I can’t just cut her off. I can’t just stop talking to her. I still really care about what happens to her.” Apparently, she has a pace maker (she’s 33) and health issues. I totally understand that, but she makes at least $100,000/year and comes from money AND she has a PhD boyfriend!! Luckily, she lives 2,000 miles away. by the way – that makes this insurance fraud. Anyway, he keeps saying that he is going to talk to her about the insurance, but it has been a long time and no tangible action. I’m left with 1) Why is he still paying her bill? 2) Why doesn’t he honor my reasonable request to limit contact with this woman? P. S. I pay $420 out of pocket for my insurance! He doesn’t help me with that!

  71. My boyfriend broke up with his ex 4 months ago and we’ve been together ever since.. But he keeps talking to her and keeps wanting to meet up with her… She lives a little far (5hrs drive from our place) and their mutuall friend is coming to visit them after 4 year this weekend so he wants to go by all means… I’m not comfortable with this cuz he will be sleeping over at his exes and will be there for 2 full days.. It gives him a good excuse to go see his ex and I don’t want her to be around him at all… I suggested I’d come along but she obviously doesn’t want to see me since I’m the one he chose over her . I don’t know what to do :( it’s killing me . I trust him but I don’t trust her

  72. why does my boyfriend need to reconnect to his ex-girlfriend on facebook by adding her as his friend?the girl was actually not an ex-girlfriend, but they have something before. i don’t understand why is there a need for him to reconnect to his ex..the girl is now in a relationship,married actually.this thing does not sounds good for me, i can’t accept it. now, i’m starting to freak out! and wanting him to go out to my and my daughters life..what should i do. if this really not makes me comfortable while he also believes that he did not do anything wrong. what should i do?what should be my next step for me not to feel this way? i believe that i deserve to be treated right, and thus, if he cannot live with me alone, then, i will let him go..i believe that reconnecting to ex- might start something wrong.

  73. Hi guys I really need some advise because I’m emotionally wrecked and physically just not my self so basically my boyfriend who I’ve been with almost a year. We’ve always had ups and downs but he’s all ways come begging back and I’ve slowly fallen for him we had a a great few month of the relationship yes with arguments but we got through it but things are slightly going out of hand now is it because I’m getting attached and slowly falling for him more and more we don’t have that sparke there like before but it’s ok we can deal with Tht and he’s fine with it before he used to give me so much time now he’s barely gives us time I don’t want to sound like I’m running after him because I’m not desperate by all means anyways he’s had a fair share of girlfriends but thts his past but what bothers me is his petty lies so when we first met he told me he dosnt talk to girls we’ll not Tht many not in the flirty way anyway but he was talking to ex girlfriend which was a good friend he said but why did he lie and day it’s his relative? Anyways i put that past me and now the real thing thts bothering me is trust how can I trust him when he lies? It’s now the hoildays and his cousins and family coming round to stay for week or two but the twisted part is is cousin sister is his one of his ex girlfriends and from what I gather he seemed fond of her until she cheated on him but I personally think he’s fond of her I don’t what to say or how describe it though it’s very very strange and oh yeah this cousin which is his ex gf still wants him back and now she’s there in the same house with him and my paranoia and anxiety is high up I just don’t know what to do he hasn’t been calling me or talking as much no calls and be gives a one word text middle of the night when he’s got nothing else to do so now I’m not giving replies to him I’m making same effort as him so much more that I can say but on top of my head I can’t rember now although there’s other people in the house as them I still feel worried that she’ll or they’ll hit it up again.

  74. Well, Angie, it sounds like you need to decide if you want to stay with your boyfriend and accept your relationship the way is — and that means accepting his relationship with his ex for what it is — or say what you’ve been wanting to say.

    Have you told him that his relationship with his ex is causing you to want to break up with him?

  75. I have been in a distance relationship for 3 years. My boyfriend lived in country A, I live in country B. then he moved to country C in order to be close to me. I usually come and visit him and we love each other very much. Once, I found out a woman calling him or he calling her everyday. I asked him and he told me that was his best friend. She has 2 kids and she’s now going to be divorced and he just wants to help her, give her some advice and he has deep connection with the kids. I trusted him and try to be OK. Then by accident I found out that’s was his ex girlfriend and I also found that my boyfriend put his ex girlfriend and my name and his family on his testament. Even now sometimes he supports her financially and they keep in touch everyday. I truly don’t care much about money issue but my concern here is if my boyfriend stills has some feelings for his ex even though he told me that they are now best friends and that’s it. I have tried to trust him but I can’t. I want to say the words ” we should breakup” many times but I can’t because I really love him. What should I do now?

  76. Thank you for taking the time to answer me. I am sure that asking him to choose between her or me is not going to work but on the other hand it’s not going to work for me that he is seeing her so often both on his own and with the group of friends they share. I am not a jealopus person but I am very intuitive and I knew there was shomething not right. He has been very secretive about seeing her and I do not have a doubt in my mind that he is only with me because she is getting married. I also know that she is not sure about getting married (she has been on and off with my boyfriend and her fiancee since they were all 19!!)and that she needs to have him in her back pocket just in case. And now I am pretty sure he needs her in his back pocket in case she becomes available too (I give it a few years given the usual timjeframe in their history)I might be stupid but I’d rather leave the situation than ending up in a Prince Charles/Camilla/Diana situation a few years down the line. If he had truly moved on he would not see her that often and spend less time with those friends and more with his other friends that don’t know her. I find it a bit hard of you to tell me I need to deal with my jealousy when in fact your husband seeing his ex only once in a blue moon upset you too!! This is of a different scale, massively different here and there was a lot of secrecy around her. Moreover he has not asked me to marry him and only said he loved me recently. I am talking about him moving to her area after we had met (I only found out recently) and many other secretive stuff he didn’t share with me. I don’t think I am being crazy, if I did that to a guy then i’d understand if he was asking me to choose. Thanks for your help though and you are right, I will just break it off and once i recover from yet another heartbreak (which obviously brings back awful memeories of losing the love of my life…as you know heartbreak is cumulative) I will make sure I am less of a fool and not trust a guy too quickly. Best wishes

  77. Dear Lily,

    I’m sorry that the love of your life died. That must have been so difficult to cope with! You’re a survivor.

    About your boyfriend’s ex…I know I’d feel the same way. I’d be hurt and worried if my boyfriend was going out for drinks with his ex, especially given his past with her.

    It’s always better if there’s no contact between the ex’s! My husband hasn’t talked to his ex in a couple of years, and I like it that way.

    But, just because a boyfriend is in contact with his ex doesn’t mean we need to be jealous or worried. Their sexual and emotional relationship could be long over, and all that’s left is innocent affection and historical connection. I don’t think we can ask our boyfriends or husbands to completely cut all ties with their pasts. It’s not healthy to just ignore a huge piece of one’s life, and that’s what jealous girlfriends want.

    I don’t think your boyfriend would rather have his ex at his birthday party than you. I think it was just a party, and his friends are going to celebrate.

    It’s not an easy situation — and I don’t think you’ve been a fool!

    If you love your boyfriend – if he’s a truly nice guy that you can envision a future with – then I’d lean towards coping with your feelings of jealously without forcing him not to have contact with his ex-girlfriend. I encourage you to get as emotionally healthy as possible, as confident within yourself as you can, and not try to control who he spends time with. The more you fight his relationship with his ex, the more he’ll back away from you.

    This takes nerves of steel!

    On the other hand, if you absolutely cannot live with your boyfriend having contact with his ex, then you need to break it off with him. I don’t think giving him a “her or me” ultimatum will work, because his circle of friends includes her.

    What do you think?

  78. Hi, I have met a nice guy about a year ago. It was 8 months after the love of my life had died so I was not in a great place but it was nice to meet him and he sounded like he wanted to be serious with me. He didn’t talk much about his past but one day he looked all grey and told me his ex was getting married…I was a bit surprised that he was so upset about it. He told me he had moved out of the country for a year to forget about her and that she had been on and off with him and another bloke -the one she is now marrying- since they were all 19 year old (they are now in their mid-thirties!!!)After this I sort of forgot about it and we started getting quite serious, he even said he loved me…
    In the summer he admitted to have moved to the same neighborhood as all their common friends live around there and to see her for drinks after work regularly but that nothing sexual woould happen now as she was getting married. I wasn’t comfortable with it as i believe you should be with someone on a mental, emmotional and physical level if you really want a relationship to work. I wasn’t happy but didn’t know what to do…I knew it wasn’t right but I don’t want to be controlling…but I made clear I didn’t want to meet her.
    Then last week it was his birthday and he wanted me to be introduced to his friends. I am quite shy so it was a big step for me so i was nervous but excited. On the day I called to ask what the plan was and he said “yeah come but I warn you my ex will be there”…I was so upset as he knew it meant I would not be comfortable to come given their history. I told him there was going to be no future between us if he’d rather have her than me at his birthday do. He has not contacted me since and I am not sure he will…Have I been a fool all along??

  79. I’m in my first serious relationship and have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years now. Before me, he dated a girl off and on for the better part of five years. They were each others first loves. She ended up moving to Texas towards the end of 2009 and left him broke hearted. After she left, she didn’t speak to him in any way – she didn’t answer or return his calls, texts, IMs, or emails. No contact whatsoever. Not until we started dating in June of 2010. She started texting him the night we became “official” on Facebook, and started talking to him almost every day. He broke up with me six months later, said he didn’t feel he was being a good boyfriend and just had too many things going on within him that he had to deal with. We got back together two months later. And, not surprisingly, I found out as soon as we broke up, his ex stopped all communication with him once again. Things have been going well since we got back together, and I found out about a month ago that she booked a flight to come back home to visit. I’ve been silently stressing because I didn’t know when she was going to be here, and how this is going to affect my relationship when they see each other. I’ve always been the kind of person to let things go – I believe in worrying as little as possible because working yourself up is such a waste of time. Last night after we got settled into bed, he started trying to say something, but didn’t (like when you almost start to speak but change your mind and wait for a better moment). After a few minutes, he told me that his ex had gotten a hold of him yesterday and said she was in town and wanted to see him. And he asked me if it was okay! I couldn’t say no, because I knew he would do it behind my back. And even though I’m not fond of her, I would never tell him what he could and could not do.

    After reading the story about you, your husband, and his ex, I think I’m able to see my situation from a whole new perspective. I think sometimes it’s hard not to be jealous or scared that you aren’t quite good enough. It’s been really hard for me not to compare myself to her (especially since she has done things to her looks that make me wonder if she’s trying to look like me – and what if she’s a better me?). He hasn’t personally shown me any reason to doubt our relationship, and when he says she’s just a friend – that he’s always going to care about her but they’re over – I believe him. I’m really glad I came across your article. I can honestly say it helped me with own situation and gave me a little confidence in my relationship. Thank you.

  80. My b.f.not only talks to his ex every day he pays her rent and cell phone bill. I cant do this any more. I dont want to.

  81. Hello I cant figure out where to start or go with this but I think I need some advice. 12 years ago I met my boyfriend….since then we have had 5 children…..He has never cheated on me (that I know of). He has gotten caught lieing to me about stupid little things, but a lie is a lie to me no matter how small. Anyway we have never had a problem with our sex life or anything like that untill this….Okay so his sister was and still is friends with his ex from before he met me.His sister does not like me and no matter how nice I have been to her she still tells my boyfriend to leave me…Well a few weeks ago my boyfriends father passed away, And now after 14 years of not seeing/talking to his ex girlfriend she has the nerve to show up at the wake with his sister.And his sister had the nerve to tell me that his ex had more of a right to be there at the wake than my children and I had. I believe that him seeing her after all this time has brought back memories and he is trying to sabatoge our relationship by making it seem like my fault. Now he does not want to have sex with me ,he makes it seem like a chore ,he really cant kiss me like he used to .We just had our 5th baby 4 months ago, and I am really hoping that he dont want her back now. I really want to believe that I am just going through a serious bout of post partum depression.And me accusing him of still having feelings for her is making him not want to have sex with me like hes saying….This would not be such a big deal for me but ALL these years that i have been with him he never told me his siter was his ex girls best friend.not knowing till now that every argument me and him have had his ex knows about, as well as the births of our children his ex knows too much about him and I that its like shes still in his life through his sister…I am thinking that his ex is just waiting for my boyfriend to come back to her.I did tell him that if his sister was still going to run back and tell his ex everything that goes on in our relationship that he would either have to stop talking to his sister or I was leaving.I know thats not fair but … I just dont know what to do……I am completly lost..