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Coping With a Difficult Husband Who Treats You Badly

Your husband is worse than difficult: he treats you badly at home and in public. The problem is that you can’t just leave your marriage or change your husband. Instead, you need to learn how to cope with life in a difficult marriage and to gain strength for whatever your future holds.

I recently returned from an all-inclusive resort trip to Jamaica. A family of five swooped in and took over the pool deck area next to us. The kids weren’t a problem – I enjoyed their energy! But the husband wasn’t just difficult, he was abusive. He called his wife names under his breath and spoke to her in  a condescending, demeaning, patronizing manner. His whole attitude and tone of voice was sarcastic, mean, and rude. His wife seemed helpless to defend herself. She was passive, quiet, submissive, and helpless.

What do you do when you live with a difficult husband – a man you wish you never married? Maybe your husband is even more condescending and abusive than you’re willing to admit. You feel powerless and helpless. I’ll share a few ideas here…but the truth is that you don’t need more information. You need power, strength, help and hope to get through the day. You need to talk to someone in person about living with your husband…and you need to decide for yourself what the best solution is. My tips for living with a difficult husband won’t solve your marriage problems. I can, however, show you that you aren’t alone.

“My husband treats me like crap,” says Erika on When Your Husband Says He Hates You. “I have no where to go and no help or money. So I am stuck in this marriage and its starting to really get to me. My husband has lost my heart that I patched up for him, thinking he was the one who would fix it for me. I feel so much pain and try not to show it. When I say anything my husband freaks out tells me how ungrateful I am.”

Some wives aren’t just living with difficult husbands. They are in abusive marriages, and they think they have nowhere to go. But this is a lie, a false belief that keeps women trapped in unhealthy and even abusive marriages.

When You’re Living With a Difficult Husband

The most important thing to remember is that you aren’t trapped in this marriage. You may feel stuck and isolated, but you do have options. Your options won’t be easy or even all that attractive…but it is possible to leave a bad marriage and start over.

The truth is that there IS somewhere to go, and help is available. Your job is to find the help you need and stick to your plans.

Imagine how your life could be different

Living With a Difficult Husband Who Treats You Badly

You can’t change your husband, but you can start planning a new life. Even if you think there’s no way you could ever live without your husband, you can allow yourself to dream! Dreams plant seeds of hope, life, energy and future plans. Amazing achievements and successes have to start somewhere, don’t they? And they always start with a tiny seed of hope.

Yes, your husband is difficult. Perhaps he treats you terribly, like Erika’s husband. Maybe your husband isn’t as bad as he was before….or maybe he’s more abusive than he’s ever been. No matter what your situation is, you have more power than you think.

If you’re struggling financially, read How to Leave Your Husband if You Have No Money.

Seek counseling – with or without your husband

The wife by the pool in Jamaica didn’t defend herself or even respond to her husband. Rather, she treated kindly and gently. It was as if her husband was actually being nice to her. Her coping mechanism was to passively accept her husband’s bad treatment. She survived each day of her marriage by placating and soothing her difficult husband. Maybe it wasn’t just easier for her to get through the day by being nice to her husband, maybe it was physically safer for her and her children.

Difficult men aren’t easy to confront. Abusive husbands can be dangerous to talk to, even gently and softly. This is why talking to a counselor or trusted friend about coping with your difficult husband is safe. It won’t be easy, but taking some sort of action may help you move forward. Confiding in a friend or even writing about your husband’s words and behavior can help you decide how to cope. You may find that the more you talk about it, the easier it’ll get to open up.

Find people and activities that fill you with life, hope and faith

When was the last time you talked to your best friend, sister, mom, or trustworthy coworker? Who have you lost touch with, and wish you could reunite with? What activities make you feel happy, refreshed, energetic, and fulfilled? What about counseling – have you talked to a professional about your marriage? Do you exercise, eat healthy foods, get enough sleep, and love yourself? These may sound like useless or meaningless things to do, but they are so important. The healthier you are, the better your life will be.

Stay connected to people who love and support you, you’re more likely to make healthy decisions for your life. Even more importantly learn who you are as a child of God. Turn your face upward, meet God’s gaze, and ask for the strength and power you need to cope. When your husband treats you badly you begin to think you deserve it, that you’re worthless. This is another lie that will drive you into despair. You can break free, but you need to start taking steps – no matter how difficult it is.

Learn ways to become an emotionally strong woman in your marriage.

Be honest about living with a husband who treats you badly

Tell the truth. Talk about your marriage with someone. Be honest with yourself, too. Do you really think your husband will change? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with a man who treats you badly? Why are you still struggling to cope with a husband who treats you so badly? Try to figure out why you feel stuck and helpless.

It may be painful, heartbreaking, hard, and scary to leave your husband, no matter how difficult he is or how badly he treats you. Maybe it seems impossible. You’ll have to cope with financial struggles, guilt, shame, your family’s opinions and your children’s reactions. It’s important to find people you trust, whom you can talk honestly and openly to. It’s even more important to rebuild yourself spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Look up, and feel your Father’s gaze on you. Know that you are not as powerless as you feel. Remember what you learned about faith and God in the past…and let the Holy Spirit nudge you forward in ways you never thought possible. My prayer for you is that you’re filled with the strength, faith, power and hope you need to take care of yourself and your loved ones.

Your thoughts – big and little – are welcome below! Share how you’re doing, what you’re dealing with, and how you’re handling life with a difficult husband.

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114 thoughts on “Coping With a Difficult Husband Who Treats You Badly”

  1. I’ve been married my husband for 12 years with 1 child my husband always treat me bad if i don’t do what he wants, verbally abuse, emotionally abuse, he put everything bad on me, he hates me he humiliates me he wants me out of his life he think he deserve better bcz am looser, don’t understand me wrong pls am not ugly i have master degree am smart but am not from here, i came here by marriage no family no nothing and all his family hates me bcz he brainwash them, i work with him for free, take car of his elderly mom for free, even i paint the house and work for free, i thought i work for our familly but i was wrong, i should never work for free. all this only for the food and shelter, i need help, i don’t know where to go with my kid.

  2. My husband and l has been married almost five years. We did not have any problems during the date phase. Once we got married he didn’t seem interested in me anymore. Sex declined more and more every being married. In 2019 my started to be real cold towards me. We haven’t had sex in six months. One day I was at work, he left me a letter saying he need space, he went back to his home state and he will be home in a couple of days. Well, he decided to take a job in his home state with talking to me. He wants me to move to his home. My sixteen year old does not want to go because he wants finish his last years at his school. My husband tells me to leave my son with his dad and move there with him.

  3. I feel emotional worn down. He’s not always mean but often enough. I never know when it’s coming. Suddenly I’m asking him a question. I am hyper aware of my tone and approach at all times (I’ve never yelled at him) but I can’t keep him from cursing at me, giving me attitude or yelling. He apologies and before the end of the morning he’s at it again. He just gets on a roll and I’m emotionally exhausted trying to not detonate his bomb. I know he has the ability to be respectful and kind because he’s that way to everyone else. I’ve never seen him disrespect anyone else but me. He treats strangers better than me. It’s heartbreaking cause I see his parents relationship and can’t understand where he gets it from. I’ve never seen his father treat his mother this way. I’m just tired.

  4. This is a first for me. Sharing about my personal life is new. I’ve been married to my husband for three years and we have s toddler. We’ve been trying for another. While I want my marriage to work I hurt. A lot. A bit too often to want to be hurt I guess. I’m unsure if this is all a part of marriage of if it’s abuse. He treats me like one of children. He talks down to me sometimes and when I react by being silent he treats me worse. Earlier today I wanted to watch a 15 second video with him of our toddler. We are on vacation in another country and were on the bus. In this country people don’t turn on the volume on their phones in public. When I attempt show him the video he told me that it was loud. It wasn’t, but I put it on mute instantly. He told me to put the phone away because people don’t look at their phones in public in this country. I told him that that was only when people are being served-restaurant, massage, etc. He snapped at me and told me he didn’t want to see the video. He asked if I still wanted to go to our destination because I’m quiet. I told him that it’s up to him. He got upset and told me that I always ruin things. We went back and forth. He said we won’t go and walked to the hotel room-I followed. He then left to go to our original destination without me. Again, I’m not sure what this is or if it’s anything at all. I just always feel hurt when he scolds me in public. There are other things but I’m not sure it qualifies as abuse. He just makes me feel inadequate over and over. He says and does whatever and goes on about his day. I’m well educated and earn good money. I could survive on my own but I’m unsure of what this is. I’ve told him a few times how he complains about everything and helps with nothing. Not sure what to do or how to process this.

  5. My husband treats me really and very bad and I don’t know how to cope pls I need advice am getting sick and emotionally down everyday by day pls I need to get my life on on track back am loosing it already pls help

  6. It took me 42 years to realize I was being verbally Abused.I always thought it was me doing something wrong. So I tried harder to do better. He raises his voice to me and tells me to stay back as though if I come closer he will hit me. I am always shocked by the unexpectedness of it. It started to happen more and more frequently. Then I discovered he was having an affair. I let him come back home and for a couple of weeks he treated me like a man should treat his wife. But the mean mood and snappy talk are back. He looks at me like I’m an idiot and his voice gets louder and louder. I started packing today and plan to leave. I have no place to go but I’ll be packed when I do find a new home. I can’t and won’t do it anymore. I am also dealing with the trauma of my autistic grandson being kidnapped by his drug addict father. I’ve raised him from birth and am in torment as to where he is. There is a BOLO out on my son. Yesterday one of his drug addicts friends came by and I had to call the cops on him. You’d think my husband could be kind to me seeing what I deal with

  7. Sometimes I am doubting if it’s just me. I know I am not perfect. Today I was rather stressed out. My husband can’t stand that. He gets unkind to me in front of the kids when I am stressed out and do not treat him the way he wants me to treat him.
    I doubt myself all the time, Am I really doing it all wrong. I appologized for being stressed out and not speaking to him in a nice and calm way but when I asked him if he would appologize himself to for his unkind and unfriendly reaction he kind of freaked out. He says I am to blame only and I am victimizing myself and so on. It seems to me I am always defending myself and I am always wrong, this makes me very doubting of myself. I feel very alone and I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to leave one of my kids is autistic and can’t take changes…

  8. It’s funny, I knew I married the wrong man within 5 years of our marriage, but the dysfunctional way I grew up and a want to succeed led me to this moment – 25 years later. He is a good man and good engineer, but boy is he a horrible husband.

    He has no clue how to respond to normal comments without swearing, snapping and treating me like an idiot. He has no intimacy skills and will never initiate sex. We have not had sex in 8 years because the hurt I feel from feeling unwanted and not beautiful for 25 years has killed me.

    I made the mistake of staying home to raise my son and now I am stuck in this hell. NO WAY OUT! Stupid me.

  9. My daughter, age 55 had 3 mini strokes, needs a walker, her left arm is practically useless. Her mean drunk retired “husband” is an s,o,b, he tortures her because she urinates a lot and uses too much toilet paper! He’s got 2 adult sons living with him, who of course are on his side. They say their mother adds nothing, meaning $ to their household. They are foul mouth people, constantly using the F word to or at her. This has been going on foryears. The husband is 69.
    We live in an apartment bldg., I live on a different floor. They all smoke like fiends, including my daughter. I use to make sure my daughter ate. I can not go up there anymore because the nicotine and smoke oder takes my breath away. I have COPD.
    I am so worried…as far as I no no physical abuse, but definite mental and emotional abuse.
    Doctor and nurses and care aids try to help, but she wont take their advice. Even the cops have been there, and she always says “ I’m alright.”
    A family of 4 needs more than 2 rolls of toilet paper in a week. Just because 3 men get away with a “shake”when they pee, evidentlyafter all these years, they dont understand female needs.
    Sorry, I am just venting. Thanks for reading.

  10. What to do when husband is nt only cheating but blaming me for wrong which you i hv never done i belong to very orthodox family n hv a girl child my husband is well to do but still he is bad to me as i hv caught him cheating on me this he did since last 2 years n i threw him out of the house later he said sorry n came back but he didn’t mean the sorry any day he abuses me everyday treats me like a trash if i stop him from doingg wrong he shouts at me he has several times raise his hands on me bec of which my brother had shouted n given him warnings not to raise hands on me but still he sometimes raises his hands n i dnt complain as i m a very simple girl lived my whole life as my father said n now leaving as husband keeps my mother says this the part of womens life compromise with it but sometimes feel like running aways from everything but then looking at my daughter i stoped i hv no love no respect no emotions no feelings in my life even though i look beautiful he always look other girls n then just come to me at night that too when he is nt able to go to call girls or massage parlours my life is spoiled but i dnt want my daughter to suffer so leavinv with him. I know my answer is with me only but still what u suggest n yes i had once been to a counsellor too she advice to take divorce but due to family obligations i cant do it had tried once but they refused to support it. I dnt want u to know my name n email id as i m scared

  11. I am married to a difficult man. We have a wonderful 7 year old beautiful daughter together and I am currently pregnant with our son. I feel very alone and under appreciated in my marriage. I work part time (30 hrs a week) so I can balance having money and taking care of my own children. I take care of all household tasks, utilities, child care costs, and groceries by myself and my husband pays the rent and our healthcare. My husband makes alot more than me, and we have completely separate financial lives because that’s what my husband wants. I often struggle with having enough money because he doesn’t help me. I am lucky to have a family who will help me if ever I fall. I feel I am at my breaking point emotionally. I have reached the point where I just keep quiet to keep the peace. My husband goes off on me every time I try to discuss a problem or issue in our marriage…the confrontation always leaves me sad and exhausted so I just have stopped expressing myself because the confrontation is not worth it. My husband treats me like I’m his last priority. He always chooses his brother or mother to make life decisions… I am never included on big decisions. He says all I do is complain. I don’t think my husband has even asked me out to dinner ever….it’s something I always have to plan and he never seems excited about. Any free time he has and I’m his last choice to do something with. I feel I give my all to get nothing in return. I believe in marriage and I never wanted to think of divorce. I think my husband doesn’t even know how selfish he is. He cares so much about things, his appearance, nice cars, and I know that none of that really matters. I just don’t know what else to do. I can’t change him, but I can’t be this unhappy my whole life either. Help me understand what I should do.

    1. I agree that a group chat would be an excellent idea! I think that we ladies need to get together and support each other as much as we can. I’d love to participate. I need so much help and have nowhere to go.

  12. I was married for 3 months and being together for almost 5 years. We came from different nationalities where after married I moves to his country where we are living now.

    My husband has traumatic past as he left home when he was 15 years old.

    He was very kind and loving man and always care when we are in our best situation.

    But whenever we had disagrement he never wanted to listen and always tell all is my faults and made me so not worthy and punished me days without money etc. He was kind of person who seems easy to escalate with his anger , shouting , and He wanted me always to listened at him but he did not willing to listened at me when I gave explanation instead he snapped me down like I am not his wife. From miscommunication which is supposed easily to get fixed but turn to be huge argument and he always blammed everythings is all my fault. Once a while he can be such a grumpy , said nasty thing , and in the house I am the one who alwaya do all the house work. Sometimes he also comment about the food that i always cook for him , he did not know how hard I was trying to make him happy by preparing everything what he needs. When we had arguments he could give me days of silents treatment and when I try to approaching to him he even said things worst.

    When he drink alcohol he can turn into argumentive person and I cant say something that he thinks it’s wrong.

    He was shown himself to people outside he was such a soft and kind person but to me his wife he treated me the other way.

    I felt so desperate and down when things goes wrong , he was so difficult to living with. But in the other hand I always pray one day he will changes and be a better person.

  13. after my son was diagnosed with autism I soon realized my husband may very well be on the spectrum .
    He doesn’t have eye contact , has melt downs over the smallest things , goes days without talking to me because he can be a big baby and then takes it out on my parents who do everything for me and my kids . His mother is a big jerk and we don’t talk because she calls my daughter and i fat and has never been for my kids or wanted to meet them . After my daughter was born he started becoming abusive . I’m called horrible names the worst names in the book
    He throws things at me and has pushed me .
    I can’t uo and leave we struggle with bills as it is and have two kids and his niece who we have custody of. I feel so trapped . Last week after he pushed me and have a me a bruise we went to city hall to start the divorce process …..and all of a sudden he had a change of heart and wanted to work it out and he loves me blah blah blah I’m so drained and I dread coming home from work
    Please help

  14. If you are suffering physical abuse … GET OUT! It’s never going to get better. For the sake of your children and your sanity GET OUT. A very wise pastor once told me during counseling, YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOUR REACTION TO THAT PERSON. You can change yourself. Protect yourself, your children. There are places you can go. There are women’s shelters and family homes. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE CRAP! If you don’t want to leave, then you are stuck … forever. It will not end. Only YOU can change the situation!

  15. I have been married for 6 months. The second month of marriage things started going downhill. My husband started being controlling, abusive mentally and physically. He said stuff in front of my kids that they should not hear. He drinks alochol everyday. He lurks the house at midnight doing weird stuff..He wishes death on me and my family calls his mom b******. Calls his daughter a whore. I can not see myself living with this man. I no longer trust or love him nor want him around my kids. I have nothing . I chose to get out this slowly by going to trucking school, he threatened to get my car repossed, and not give me money. I honestly think my husband is possed to the devil. He has cheered the devil before. I am living a lie with this man. He tries his best to bring me down and hurt me. I have been faithful and kind to this man.My kids deserve better and so do I. I will start over with God’s help!! Good luck to you all. I will pray for you!!

    1. It will be a year now that I got married to the one I dated for 6months and thought he is the one. He was very polite, respectful in the starting and as we got married , he started taking control over me ,. He didn’t liked any of my friends, he separated me from all my friends, I hardly talk to any of my friends now . He did not even allowed me to meet my friends . Things were not going right, and I got pregnant after 2 montys of marriage . I did not want that child at that moment because I knew we are not going right in our relationship , but he forced me for child . I HV a baby girl now, blessed to have her . But my husband has no respect for what I have gone through, I had a c section delivery and my body is so weak , but he doesn’t care. He abusises me , always want to prove himself right and always disrespects me . I don’t know what to do as my daughter is just 2 months old . . I don’t know what future she will have. He always makes me feel as if I am not capable of anything . , He wants to have full control over me , my actions .. I have alot to say but can’t put them in words

  16. Married for 15 years, knew there were problems after three.. although had a newborn at that point. Relationship suffers from lack of emotion, communication and a general dull nothingness. Husband shows absolutely no affection, concern or care toward me. He is polite though. Often wonder what this is teaching our child. Have tried counseling.. in that environment he does the majority of the talking.. he often directs attention toward himself and tries to speak for me. Just feel like it’s too far gone as we both seem to prefer to not be around each other. He stopped going on vacations with us as a family by the 6th year of marriage. He had an emotional affair in the 13th, and often talks about intimate details of relationship with a particular older woman.. somewhat of a mother figure, which makes me feel betrayed and embarrassed. I feel emotional neglect.. but self esteem is so low I feel like it’s not worth it to do anything.

    1. Get a new therapist who can redirect and include you, give you a voice. Maybe a life coach would work better -someone to give you directives and ideas to reignite the communication and emotions. It’s tough but keep trying.

  17. Ours was a love marriage and things were great first several yrs till my MIL started manipulating my husband and intruding into our lived when I was pregnant for the first time after 7 yrs of marriage. She would lure my husband into believing that I am good for nothing.My husband being an adult should know whats wrong and whats right. He started abusing me physicaly and emotionally. I was hardly alive when I first gave birth to my daughter. Things were not that great ever after and I ended up being pregnant again with in an yr. That was sexual abuse I went through that got me pregnant. I didn’t want to bring another life in a abusive marriage tried to talk my husband out of the pregnancy and he always acts nice when he wants the things his way and manipulates me easily. Guess its the gene from the mom.
    And here I am with two kids getting abused every single min of my life emotionally, physically and sexually. stuck and trapped as my kids need a dad and who actually provides nothing to them.I am the bread maker in the house and he is the spender.

  18. Hi girls, We need to set up group chat, so we can talk it out when something happen or feel sad or in danger.
    I cried so hard today. As usual didn’t even talk to me and went straight to his computer watching news playing games. He plays online game alot(6hours perday everyday for 2 months no job). All i need is he showing love to me. When he is not working i told him he need to do whatever half of the job of talking care the baby. When ever he is not happy with the conversation he will turn into frustration talk with me, calling me names, swearing at me when holding our baby. My heart broken when i saw my 8 months old baby confusing face beside him. He smashed my phone onto the floor, broken. Put his hand on me when i was pregnant, push my face down the bed when i was feeding my 2months new born. All of these was all my fault he said, he never said sorry of what he had done, never. He would walk beside me and say to me “so are we done?” Or ” can you get over this”. I was scared to say no i am not done, i am not ok. I have said “no” before and he got angry says:”can you fking get over this” My have lost my soul for 2 years and i want my soul back so badly. He is so abusive manipulative.
    I dont even feel like to have sex with him, if i let myself have sex with him, will make me feel like i can’t even protect my body for myself.

    1. Dear God please call a domestic abuse hotline while he isn’t at home. Get out. Get out now. You don’t want to look back on near 20 years of wasted life with this man. It will only get worse. Trust me. I’m living it. Now old and disabled and poor. No where to go because he alienated my children. Please get out. You have a chance with your baby. Get a no contact order including your child. He will hurt your child one day. Count on it.

  19. I dont have a job as our 2 children are 5 and 3 so our youngest isnt at school yet. We have no help from family so i have to wait till sept till i can even think about work. He hates this and constantly moans, difs and makes nasty comments about me. We havnt slept together in months because of this as i cant be intimate with someone like that. I hide my feelings alot especialy in front of the kids but feel like i need a good cry. He constantly puts me down and even though we have been married 7 years and together 11. Its ‘his’ house ‘his’ car etc. I feel like im more of a worker that doesnt get paid. I cant leave but need some one to talk too x

  20. I don’t have a job and my husband does. He hates that I don’t work and I hate it to. I’ve been filling out applications, turning in resumes, goin to interviews, and I have actually been trying but have had no luck so far. I want to work and I feel awful because it’s been so hard trying to find work. He is a roofer so he works really hard all day long and I always text him during the day to tell him I hope work is going ok and I love him. I always tell him how much I appreciate everything he does for our tiny family and I always ask how work was at the end of the day. I rub his back when he asks me to and I do everything I can to make sure he knows that I appreciate him. I do my best to make sure the house is spotless before he gets home Because he bit**es at me if it’s not and brings up how I dont have a job. He also makes me feel so worthless about it and constantly tells me how I’m not trying when I really am. I don’t like not having a job, I feel worthless enough as it is and have gone into such depression because I try so hard and he makes me feel so worthless. I don’t cook dinner all the time and sometimes I’m not able to get everything in the house clean because some days I don’t feel good because of health issues already that I’m currently working with my doctor on to get fixed. Those days are the worst because that’s when the whole you don’t have a job fight starts. I am also a full time mom, I take our 8 and 10 year old daughter to school and take care of our almost 2 year old son during the day which is stress enough alone lol because they are kids and there is 3 of them. I don’t hardly ever leave the house unless I need to because I’m so depressed I’d rather just not and I am on medication for depression. I never go out or do anything with friends even if I had friends that were willing. I’m basically just a mom and a wife and that’s all my life consists of. I’m ok with that but I hurt inside every single day to the point where I hate my life because he makes me feel so worthless. I love my kids and would never harm myself because I have them but I am so unhappy all the time. We hardly have sex but maybe once a month. When he kisses me it’s just pecks we don’t make out like we used to and when I tell him I miss him I miss us I miss when I could feel that you love me because he says he does all the time but when I try to talk to him about how I feel he says it’s because the whooing stage is over he said I whooed you your mine so I don’t need to do that anymore. We hardly do anything together and when I suggest ideas sometimes he never goes for it. Alot of the time when he gets off work he’ll go to his friends house and won’t get back until late. I know part of the reason he hurts my feelings is because of the whole me not having a job and I get it I’m frustrated to but when he hurts me he really puts me down and makes me feel worthless about it to the point where most of the time I’m up all night crying. I don’t know if the way things between us are just because of me not having a job like he says or if there is more to it. I’ve been to counseling before but Everytime I tried counseling in the past and this was before I met him i just felt like the only reason I was there is because they wanted money. There is so much more of a book I could write on things going on within our relationship, how I feel, ect. But I feel like I’ve already written a book and for that I’m sorry. Not sure if ne even writing this will come of anything or help for that matter but it’s life I guess and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m to the point where I feel like I hate him but there is some small moments where he Sparks me and I love him but then the bomb comes crashing down. I find myself thinking and saying more often then not that the only reason I’m with him is because I don’t want my kids to not have a dad. I also think I love him so much and wish things would go back to us being happy and maybe things will change once I get a job. Anyway we have been together for almost 4 years he is 36 and I am 28 if that matters I don’t know, I’m just gonna stop talking because I feel very stupid. Again sorry for the book.

  21. I’m 39 he’s 29, there you go. I came out of a divorce w/ 2 young children when I met him, he told me he was 25 LOL. After dating a few months and careful consideration, he met my kids; that is when he spoke the truth, he was actually 19 OMG..I had no idea, he was mature, he took care of my kids and I in all ways possible-this man treated them like his own. Cpl years later we had 2 children together making our household a total of 6. We battled many trials. Of course, 10 yrs younger, still growing and learning. After 10 yrs together, only recently I endured emotional, mental, & physical abuse. Mind you, we are both born again Christians, he’s trying to pursue his pastoral license and I have a Sunday school group! He has one of many major roles at our church. People are always so delighted to see him, young and old. If one more person tells me “the fight isn’t against the flesh, and that the enemy is doing everything it can to tear us apart” I swear! Don’t you think I know that already?! But like some women have been asking, I want to know, when is divorce considered to be the right answer? After the Lonnnnnnnnnnng suffering, multiple marriage conferences and classes at church, many many many prayers on my knees confessing the doubt of my faith asking God for forgiveness because of that feeling of doubt to continue his work in my husband, or another bruised up arm and bloody lip??? I’m not a saint myself, I battled the “the fight isn’t against the flesh” part many times because I am a FIGHTER, you piss me off it’s on and I don’t hold back, but I’m not proud of that…Husbands treat your wife like the church, wives submit to your husband. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is a good person, imperfect yes; he’s a wonderful father and would make a great pastor. Always helping others out with services in and out of church yes, but right now he’s a crappy husband whom I wish would continue his services at home and applied all that we are learning from the word within our marriage and relationship. We talked about how it’s not right to wear all these masks, and I don’t pretend. I know he’s trying and I can’t change him I can only pray, but GOD, I’m so tired.

  22. I try not to react with emotion, but instead with logic. I called him cuz I heard a noise and was home alone and got scared. He screamed at me, called me names and told me I interuppted him. When he called back a half hour later I didn’t answer because of how he treated me. He texted me calling me more names for not answering, telling me he was worried (ha!). Then he texted me saying he was getting pulled over (a lie to get me to call him). Then he tells me that he is holding me accountable for my actions. Instead of calling him crazy, yelling at him or getting emotional, I pointed out that his actions included ignoring me when I was scared, calling me names and lying to me about getting pulled over. Facts, not emotion. I like to think it helps him see that his actions are the ones that are wrong, not mine. But in reality, he still blames me. But getting emotional does notttt help.

  23. Me and my husband met when I was 21 and he was 35. He had a volatile relationship with his domineering mother. I came from an abusing background and married into an abuse marriage. I had two children when we married and he never was involved. He has always worked hard, but never really met my emotional needs. He still devalues me and belittles the things that are important. We’ve been married for 35 years and had 5 children together. I.now am seeing how much his anger and abuse has hurt our children, but instead of parenting them, he continues to point out what I’m not doing for him. I’m not saying he hasn’t been a good provider, but he is trying to get me to be the person I was when I married him. I have grown into a mature Christian woman and still eager to know more about God’s will and living in a way that would be pleasing to God. My husband is unhappy with me because I’ve lost my desire for him., but says that intimacy is commanded because wives must submit to their husbands. I’ve been praying to see.Him through God’s eyes, but his pouting and inability to be a good father figure but a friend to our adult children creates conflict which he verbalizes in front of to me makes me feel less than as a wife which is where I have been in my mind through our entire marriage. I can’t continue like this and I’ve been open to counseling , but he’s not because he doesn’t think he has a problem , only me because I have no desire. The years of abuse that keel resurfacing have left my heart broken.

  24. I am 45 years old. I’ve been married to my 2nd husband for 10 years and with him a total of 15 years. I am sick with a chronic illness that makes it hard to even stand upright. I have a 9 year old son with ADHD, depression, anxiety and sensory issues. My 21 year old daughter is a senior in college across the country. We just moved to the opposite coast for me to heal 7 months ago…my dream. However, I feel like I moved to paradise but I’m still in hell because I brought the devil with me.

    My husband has ADHD and memory issues. He treats me like crap. He gaslights me and is emotionally abusive. In the past he was physically abusive but not it’s purely emotional.

    I am trapped in hell. I’m too sick and broke to leave. He cheated on me while I was pregnant, and has a porn addiction that he is supposedly “cured” of.

    I would rather live in a nursing home than live another second of life with him. I separated from him in 2015. My biggest mistake was reuniting with him.

    The stress is killing me. I can’t take care of my own child because all of my energy is used up by the stress of dealing with my husband.

  25. I am a mum of 3 boys in my 40s before i met this disrespectful man i was living as a single parent with my 2 young boys , this man came in our lives i wish i never let him in our lives he found me and my kids stay in a 2 brdroom flat and he was living by himself as a bachelor in a small apartment, no job no money no nice furniture, i open my hands for him with all my heart , we decided to move out to stay together the moment we got a new rent home he started showing me how bad he was when on public he pretend to be like an honest fit husband but what people don’t know about him is that he is very abusive man i have never met , he makes me cry emotional physically and mentally he drained my self confidence and esteem he smash things in front of children with his temper he illtreat me and my children he can mess up the house with dirty its ok nobody has to ask him because when he is looking at me he thinks that he is above me and my kids , if i am cooking and it smell burned its a torment to me but if it happens to him its nothing , he comments on women infront of me and to him it doesn’t matter he get angry very easily with silly lil things because he is working , he used to search me out of the house because he thinks its him own property but its just for renting he told me off saying i am very fat i am size 14-16 when i talk sense he always flush it down the drain ,he likes attention from all the women out there ,he wants people to think that he is an angel kind of person but he is a bully , Abuser self centred selfish , arogant and its all weighing me down i am st my breaking point cause i feel sick health wise because of the treatment he is giving me day in and day out he used to have a family before he met me and he is always supporting the first family he had before me i feel as an intruder he is always on their side nomatter what may come i am a christian but he drain my spiritual life whenever i am praying he is trying to control me he is not a god fearing person he is a kind of a person that want to compete with me and everyone else because he think he is the superior but he doesn’t know that he is a fool and a liar i need God to help me to come out of this miserable torture life thats not the life i pray for i am in living hell on earth .

  26. When I met my husband I was 24yrs old Asian girl and he was 40yrs old German. I fell in love with him, we party together with his friends, we enjoyed our time together. After less than a month of meeting we decided living in togeher. We live in different cities so I quit my job, adjusting to another place, no friends, no family. He always drinks with his friends and I think that’s part of their culture too. 3 months of knowing him I already thinking of living him but then I found out I was pregnant. I know he wasn’t ready and the first thing I felt was fear that my child will grow up without a father and a family that’s complete. So I decided to stay with him. He did not change it got worst. From verbal and emotional abuse turns to physical abuse. He still belittle me and comparing me to others. I grew resentment to his friends. When my baby was 6mos he hurt me because I got jealous with one of his female friends. I was helpless, I was shocked and thinking already I deserve it. I was thinking maybe his just drunk that he doesnt know what he was doing. The 2nd abused was we went to a party and got drunk both and my jealousy starts again. It was the most difficult time when my daughter was 3 yrs old woke up crying cos she saw what his dad was doing. That’s the time my husband snap out and told me how sorry he was. I was ready to leave and pack my things but I coudn’t. I dont want to go to my parents, my savings is not enough for me and my kid. I continue the relationship and being a good wife and a mom. I dont have a job since my husband did not allow me. Everything that I want to do he don’t support. Its always negative. I felt trapped. Last abuse when I saw a message from a girl and I confronted him. He hurt me again infront of our kid but this time I told him I will call the Police if ever he do that again. Im still hoping somehow he will change and our family will be complete like any family. I am scared that when it happens it will get worts. I dont know what to do. Now one of his friends found out what he was doing to me and they end up in a fight. I hope he will change and it brings a lot of sadness to me that we are like this. Why he did to me? Did I deserve this? Will I survive my marriage. :( Im torn if living him is the best decision I will make for our family.


  27. I have been married to my second husband for almost 3 years after being together for 6 years prior to marriage. He was unemployed when we met and has been disabled for several years. He has resources to maintain and improve his health and chooses not to use them. His lack of good health burdens me with everything to do with the household. He is home 24/7 and refuses to cook or clean or do laundry, while I work 40+ hours per week away from home and do everything including yard work since he is allergic to almost everything outside. His words to me are demeaning and do not lift me up or keep my spirits strong. He often calls me names and brings up my past relationships because of his insecurity that overwhelm him every time I leave the house, and those are unsubstantiated. He is convinced I have a boyfriend at work and that I am cheating. It is very difficult to look at this person and show unconditional love. I am at my wits end and I have committed my life to him and want to live out my commitment. I pray daily that he will see me for the person I am, but he shows bitter anger and such conditional love that I fear he is beyond loving me with his whole heart and I feel like I deserve that much from him.

    1. Hello Kelly,

      I have to say I read your post twice because I honestly thought for a second that I actually wrote it because I am living the same situation or at least very close. I have been with my husband for 3 years. He is an alcoholic and I met him that way but based on his outgoing way, funny character I didnt see the warning signs. He has not worked since I met him and also doesn’t help me around the house. If i have financial struggles he tells me to deal with them the same way i have all my life. He is very demeaning and he makes me feel like I’m worthless. Humiliates me because I cannot have children and is as always talking about my ex and also says I’m cheating with someone at work. I have tried to be passive, I’ve tried to fight back, I’ve tried to converse but nothing seems to work. I want my marriage to work and I pray a lot as well. I sometimes just want him to leave because love should not feel this way. He embarrasses me if we go out and is very condescending in front of others. I just keep to myself now and just stay in a corner alone

  28. I’ve been married 27 years. It’s had its ups and downs. My husband has had alot of major health issues, cancer, heart problems depression. I’ve been supportive. I have a 21 year son who has issues and currently does not work. That is a major strain on our marriage. My husband blames me for his problems. About a year ago my husband quit taking his depression meds. He said since there was no test to prove depression he did not need it. He has always been sarcastic towards me but it has so much worse. He tells me constantly he hates being married to me,that I don’t live in reality, I’m not healthy, I’m going to die and I can’t make it without him. He let’s things go until they are extreme. Debt issuses taxes. He blames me because he dropped the ball. We live in separate rooms and sort if live separately. I am a human being and I would never say the things he says to me. If he is so unhappy why not leave. Shut up or put up. My son thinks his dad hates him and I’m starting to believe it too.

  29. I have done so much for my husband for the last 3 years…I have stayed with him cause I was in love with the good man he could be but for 80% of the time I about deal with a heartless mean man who doesn’t even have much respect for me and how hard I try to make him happy and the work I put in to doing it. one example he didn’t work for a year I struggle enough I have m.s. and on disability and I was straining to take care of us…he stayed ungrateful and negative and put forth no effort to do nothing. Then after a year I found him a good job…since he made no effort in trying to on his own. He has diabetes and also consume a lot of beer. I always tried telling him to not drink for his medical reasons. He always won but not really cause of his health. Plus me dealing with a difficult drunk man. Then dealing with a man who literally for some reason doesnt talk to me the next day. When he did things wrong at times he would stop talking to me. I never understood why. Since I didn’t do anything to him. Well now we were making plans to go to Texas to see his family and have quality time together and he built me up to go..I was willing for the first time in my life to fly on a plane..but only now he has bought himself a plane ticket and not me. He said he would buy me one but didn’t told me to go across the street to my bank and buy my own. I felt so hurt.. and refused too out of shock..But the seedy way he got his was he had his sister in Texas buy it for him and wired the money to her..I don’t know why cause I said in the beginning I could book tickets but he wouldn’t do it that way..there is more he did in this one story but it’s too much to write. So I had my breaking point and packed his stuff and put it on the front porch and he didn’t fight not going he left..So now I have no idea where he is..no calls so far..I know it had to be done. These are just some of things he has put me through over a duration of 3-4 years I feel hurt and pain and down. And I feel he betrayed me..Being treated this way by man who tells me he loves me and a man I married. Was I a wife or a victim?

  30. Hello, I’ve hit rock bottom with my husband. It’s come to assaulting myself and now my daughter. I’m embarrassed, shameful and I wish I could of prevented this from happening . Ian has a mental illness and now cancer but to think of treating us like this is unexceptable. He has not apologized or even has said a word about this happening !!! Is he in deniel or does he think this is ok! I feel sick to my stomach, stressed and overwhelmed. We have plans for counselling together but I’m actually scared . I’m thinking maybe we should do individual first and then as a couple. I really hope my daughter gets counselling for she can move on from this mess physically and emotionally. I love her with all my heart and I’m so sorry that this has happened. Needing lots of prayers for my family. Ian, Sylvia and my beautiful daughter Solana.

    1. If he having mental illness is that means he not able to brain function properly like he doesn’t know when he is hurting someone?
      My husband healthy 36 old man but never apologized for his abusive and bully behavior.

  31. Th for ending this article with a prayer! I don’t want a divorce but I know I need 1. I’ve went to several counselors and our Pastor with my husband yet he never takes their advice and continues to blame me each time he screams and curses me. I know it’s not my fault he yells and curses but I can see where in trying to love him by example I have also enabled him and ultimately given him the subtle mess that it’s ok to be a jerk to me. I love my husband and he says he really loves me too. Still I feel in my heart after many years of prayers and tears that could fill a shallow well that it’s time to bite the bullet. Yes God is good and yes God is making way! Ty for your encouragement to love me again even if he doesn’t.

  32. I’ve bin Through a lot before I married my husband I’ve only bin married less then a year in 2 weeks it will be one year.he has a very bad temper.i say any little thing he blows up and treats me like pure crap and he doesn’t stop I try to stop him by saying I’m sorry over and over again over some stupid little thing like I wish I could just go somewhere today you have no idea how long I’ve bin in the house with my kids and in hospitals I know we have no money to do anything but I was just so Disgusted I didant really Argue the point just Mentioned it a ittle aggravated.it could be any little thing Doesn’t matter he Tortures me for hours with all his really mean words and I just sit there Listening to it he keeps saying how much he hates me over and over again and how much he wants me to leave and how unhappy he is I’ve helped him so much in all kinds of ways I’m crushed to pieces I went Through a lot in my life hoping that me and my kids could finally be happy has a family there dad was a drug attic and did not care for us.and now this.we live in a house that’s sapprat the other bedrooms are downstairs outside this is his house we just moved in it I wanted to move in a Appropriat house for our family kids had to move upstairs with me because my Daughter got sick but I do believe he’s happier being downstairs separated from us.im treated like crap.i do love him very much but I believe he don’t its Obvious.im trying to get enuff money together to leave and go back to my parents witch is Devastating.i have nothing I’m trying to get strength from God to do what I have to do.im tired of being treated like crap over and over again I don’t deserve it.the words he says crushes me and he couldn’t atleast wait 2 more weeks for our 1 year anniversary it Hart’s and I’m just so tired of being Hart over and over again.the words he says Hart’s and I don’t say nothing back but walk away.why me.i don’t care to talk to friends and family.and im trying to not let it show in front of my kids.its very hard to hard very hard…

  33. your website is. God send blessing.Helps me to deal with the hidden reality of my life where there are few who see what is really going on.

  34. I can relate to much of what other women have said in this site, but I feel like I probably deserve to be treated the way I am treated by my husband of two years. We have been together for 5 years now. He was my one and only love 30 years ago when I was a teenager. I had an affair with him and divorced my ex husband. Karma I guess. He is an alcoholic and I knew this when I married home but have been and still am so in love with this man. He is like an addiction. An addiction with extremely bitter side affects. He grew up with an overbearing yet overly permissive mother who verbally abuses his father- I have witnessed this. She is a domineering woman who raised both of her children to remain dependent on her. He has his mother’s temperament. I walk on egg shells and bite my tongue on a daily basis but sometimes, I can’t help but lash out. I am regularly called a b—ch and a c—t. I am told to leave and he wants a divorce. He has children from a previous marriage and his previous wife left him and the kids in the middle of the night. The oldest girl was 12 when her mother left and became his confidant. They have an emotionally incestuous relationship. He treats her like she is his spouse and best friend and me as one of his lesser children. My heart is broken because I thought he was going to be my partner in life and that we would share everything together. Instead, I am in the outside knowing that I will never hold that special place in his heart or life of a beloved wife. I don’t want to come before his children, I just want to be his right hand in this life. I have overheard conversations where he discusses our marital issues with her. She is now 18 but this has been going on since we were married two years ago. Their relationship was concealed until after we were married. We have separate bank accounts and even this he literally makes three times my salary, he complains that I don’t contribute anything. I buy all the groceries, everyone’s health insurance comes out of my check, I am paying off one child’s doctor bills and I do everything around the house. I work full time and leave my home at 4:30 am and don’t get home until 8:30 at night and They are all there waiting on me to come home and fix dinner. If you have read this far, thank you for listening to my venting.

  35. 30 yrs with this roller coaster of a marriage. Outside looking in people think we are just the cutest but people don’t know the monster that he can be! I finally started recording our fights which is mainly telling me what a piece of sh* i am, I’m worthless, I’m fat (I’m a size 6!) I’m a horrible business person etc etc etc..he has told me he is so ashamed of me i might as well put a gun to my head and sadly i actually contemplated it. Are kids are grown & im self sufficient so why the hell do i stay with this abuser?!?

  36. I am torn, broken hearted, hurt and I feel so disrespected. My husband is mean to me. We’ve been married for 11 years now. We have 1 child together. I know he’s being unfaithful again, because that’s when always threatens that he isn’t happy and our marriage isn’t working out. We’ve been through this before at 3 years into our marriage. He brought divorce papers the last time. He even locked me and my daughter out of our home. I had to go and stay with my parents for a while. Before I refused to get a divorce, and I was and have always been determined to make it work. But now I’ve realized that I cannot make someone love me if they don’t. He’s take money out of our bank account for this other person. Our children attend the same school. I’ve been cursed at and I’ve cursed back at him. I’ve cried been sad been angry, yelled screamed. I’ve tried to talk calmly; I’ve to communicate like an adult. He likes to send me ugly and rude text messages, whenever we are together he shows aggression towards anything I have to say or he’s determined to disagree no matter what I have to talk about. He’s manipulative; makes me feel guilty when I’m not even at fault. I’m so exhausted and afraid of what life would be like without him for myself and my child. I still want our child to have a good relationship with dad. His parents have been great to me but his mom I feel will always defend him knowing that it’s wrong and unhealthy for us. I remember when we 1st started dating and how things were. Things were much better than now, he was kind and charming; but I can’t say that signs weren’t there. I just didn’t see them because I was in love. I thought that he would protect me like my father did. My father is dead and gone now. The 1st time my husband asked for a divorce; my Daddy was the only who advised me to give him what he wanted. I just couldn’t see or understand back then. I just didn’t know; I didn’t understand how a person could make a vow and not take the commitment seriously! This is sooo difficult I just feel that people just don’t understand.

  37. I am at a complete loss for what to do with my marriage. I met my husband nearly twenty years ago, and we’ve been married for just over four. I am a survivor of a violent crime and suffer with severe emotional trauma. My husband is angry and verbally abusive to me much of the time. He’s changed from a wonderful, caring man, into an angry man since we married. He calls me names like retard and ignorant, belittles me, makes me feel stupid and useless. He attempted suicide once, but instead turned rageful towards me. I thought he was going to hurt me and my pets. I don’t work right now, but I’m a student. I have no money of my own. I’m trying to finish my course, but it’s so difficult when I’m living in this situation. He tells me that my feelings are wrong. He makes me question myself and my sanity all the time. He lies about things I’ve said, and then accuses me of being the abusive one, when in fact, I never did or said any of those things. I try hard every day to look after myself, study, care for our pets, our home, and him. He never takes me anywhere. I am trapped at home, because I don’t drive and the bus service is poor. Sometimes I just want to die. Thank you for this article.

  38. My fiancé has changed me into a person I don’t like. I’m always sad and stressed. We bought a house together and have a young son and I feel trapped. There are very few “good” times. The “bad” times have gotten better recently, so he doesn’t call me a stupid c*** nearly as much as he used to. But mostly there are just lots of “neutral” times where we just are in the same room together, exsisting. I can’t leave, financially, I just cannot. It’s not that easy as so many of you know. I also can’t tell anyone because they would all say “just leave” as if they would just as easily be able to do the same. People keep asking me “how’s wedding planning coming along” when the truth is, I refuse to actually plan the wedding. Hence why this man is still just my fiancé and not my husband. I said yes to marry a man that treated me better then this, I will not marry THIS man. Every time we get close to planning it, he goes off again. Yesterday he said some very hurtful things to me, I played it off because he always says that I turn things around on him, I do not, but I also don’t want to fight. I walk on eggshells all day and all night in fear that something will set him off and the barrage of nasty names will come flying. Again something happened this morning and I texted him “you treat me like trash” while he slept. I was so upset and I needed to say something, and I felt doing it while he slept was safe, but now I await the barrage of nastyness coming my way when he wakes up and reads it. He tells ME that I’m depressed and he can’t take it and I need to go on medication. I will not. I know what is depressing me is him and I refuse to pop pills because I have one ultimate stressor that will never leave me alone and that is him. Sorry for the long rant, it’s my first time putting it out in the universe and I wanted to get it all out there.

  39. I’m searching high and low for ways to make my husband change how he treats me. I am currently on my own journey inward. I’m trying to learn to love myself and not be treated badly. I feel lost. I feel helpless. Most of all I feel completely alone. I don’t want to leave him because of so many reasons but I’m just at my wits end. This is the first time I’ve put this out into the universe.

    1. I am glad you did. I am in the same situation in the same moment. Even though you are an anonymous stranger it is helpful to know that others are walking the same walk.

  40. I’ve been in a relationship with this man for 3 years… In thebegging he treasured me like his queen… We had fun together… I met all of his family… But thething is I’m in his city…. I don’t have family here… I work but he didn’t want me to… Them I took a promotion which he didn’t want Me to… I don’t go anywhere…I don’t havee friends… WhenI leave work or home he wants me to call or text to let him know… I’m in a relationship by myself… And I want out… He’s also 14 years older than me….I feel like I’m being treated like a child instead of the wife that he says he wants me to be…the worst part is that I know better…so why am I still here!?! It got physical twice because he used to drink…now he doesn’t but the controlling and insecurities…I can’t deal with… Not to mention he’s had connections… Advice and Opinions please…no judgements

  41. From spitting in my face, to punching me in my arm, pouring Vaseline all over me, picking my cat up by his tail, throwing his wedding ring out of the window, smashing my phone into the ground, calling me every name in the book, being passive aggressive, etc… I am not angry anymore instead I feel sorry for him. I am a Christian and a believer and never would consider divorce. But how much can a person take?

    1. I’m in the same situation. I cry myself to sleep at night. He verbally abuses me everyday. Calls me every name in the book too. Now even says I’m a lazy wife. Says my food taste like crap, but demands me to cook. I’m giving up. I dont even feel like doing anything for him. I’m a Christian also and so is he. He apologizes and then goes back to the same thing. It’s a never ending cycle. You’re right how much can a person take?

  42. My spouse is a very difficult man to live with…he is beyond mentally abusive but in my eyes that is just as bad as physical….i dont ever talk to anypne about it because everyone always says well leave him….its not that easy to just up and leave …i dont know what to do.

    1. I feel exactly as u do Mariah. My husband is extremely abusive. He’s also emotional, verbal, and at times physically abusive. I can’t talk to anyone about my situation because I feel no one close to me will understand. they dont love and care for him the way I do. It’s not that simple. Some thing she I’ve told a close relative, they said just leave him him, u don’t need him. He’s an a**hole. But they dont live my life. I’ve literally been with this man for half my life. We have young children. How could I bresk up our Family but, how could I allow myself to accept someone to treat me this way. I’ve never went against him in anything and always have his back, yet I get walked on all the time. He calls me such bad names sometimes I don’t even react to them like cry or argue back. I wonder if it’s because I’m so used to hearing it, or that I don’t want to entertain his behavior towards me. Probably both but why am I the woman I said I’ll never be. He belittles me all the time. He even tells me things like I can’t wait to find someone new. She’s going to be fine ass hell too. That hurts the most… am i not attractive to him, or does he say that because he wants to hurt me to the core. He succeeded with both, if that’s the case. I could go on and on about how he is I feel so liberated saying all this. I wish i was strong, independent and confident in standing up for myself, for my children and not allow this to carry on. I pray to God for strength. After all, I have a daughter and I could never live with myself if God forbid she grows up to be with a man like her father. That would pain me beyond belief. I hope me and all these women (and myself) who wrote on here find courage, truth, wisdom and strength to stand for ourselves and declare our worth and what we deserve. I just ordered a book online called the walk our woman, hopefully with that, i could find some guidance

      1. OMG @HurtinCA – you cannot let a man or anyone speak to you in that way!! You are strong, God has given you strength already all you need to do is believe you have it and you do! Believe in yourself. I have a similar situation where my husband likes to put me down but I know that he feels bad about himself — that’s the only reason someone will try to put you down is because THEY feel bad about themselves! When my husband “tries” to put me down or insults me — guess what— what men HATE, I talk back. NOPE i don’t stay quiet because guess what I will not be controlled and that’s what these men are trying to do -control you again it goes back to their low self worth. Don’t believe anything he says, he’s trying to get under your skin. If he “can’t wait to find someone new” tell HIM then GO! You can be calm about it, I have said that several times to my husband. — “The Door is there, I’m not holding you back”. And then the truth comes out — he realizes I’m not putting up with his crap and he is the one being mean and/or abusive.

        Sadly, that is abuse. Just stand up to him. You are strong – if he wants to leave and he’s going to find someone new, I am SURE you are not forcing him to stay. It’s all CRAP all TALK. You are strong, you can do this and don’t let someone try to lower your self-worth because THEY are miserable. Please love yourself and take care of yourself — your children are watching you, they are learning from you.

        I pray that you find your strength.

  43. I have been married for just over a year. My husband lives in another state and the plan was for me to join him. He has his own home that needs several large repairs. I have my own home which is kept up very well. In short, he demanded a prenuptial which stated neither one of us is financially responsible for the other’s home. He gave me an ultimatum to leave my home, family, and a decent job to join him in his city, where I have not yet found a job. He recently lost his job and made it clear that I have to find a way to pay for my own car and my house (if I choose to keep it). How am I supposed to pay for my car if I don’t have a job and he wouldn’t help even if he was working? On top of all that, we had an argument several months ago where he listed all of the things he doesn’t like about me, insulting my looks and intelligence. Looking back there are blatant examples of disrespect towards me. The deadline for his ultimatum has passed and he hasn’t spoken to me in 2 months. Even my pastor and the pastor that married us agree this relationship is not in my best interest. My family thinks I’m lucky and should run. I guess I love him despite his insults and disrespectful behavior. I also feel an obligation to God because we married in the church but my family says that God wouldn’t want me to be abused!

  44. I have spent 50 plus years with an verbally abusive man. I should have left a million times, but we go through the motions like everything is fine and then he blows up again and I hate him. He is such a womanizer and he does not deserve me. Hes better than he used to.be at comments, but he loves women and will do.things right in front.of me, then it’s always me doing the wrong if I say anything. He makes good.money so I figure he owes that to.me i find myself not loving him because he hurts me all the time, God forbid i should ask where hes been, i am disrespectfuling him. So discouraged. Thanks!

  45. Please pray for me – I have been in my 2nd abusive marriage since June 16, 1984 and I don’t know how to get out of it financially (my husband is financially abusive as well).

  46. I am married to a difficult husband and I don’t know how I have been able to stay with him all of these years; married 24 years. I have two children with him and this is why I stay. My coping method is to basically live a life outside of the marriage. I go to places on my own; shopping, entertainment, etc. the only time we are together outside of the home is to go to church. When we are home together, we do no activities as a couple; he won’t clean, garden, do household repairs, laundry, cook, etc. We basically live separate lives at home the majority of the time. I do all of the chores and he sits on his phone on calls, facebook, texting, etc. or watching t.v. He does the grocery shopping and wants to be the only one to do it. I am so tired from doing all the other domestic chores that just let him do it without a complaint. I really feel little love or even like him as a person anymore. I feel very depressed and disappointed in myself for ever marrying this man although he was not like this when I married him; over time he has become a terrible husband. I have also had to endure him cheating on me; twice for sure and maybe more. I just caught him on two instances, but he has acted inappropriate with many different women in the past. I feel awful to have put up with him and tolerated this behavior, but I have two kids and know that this would break their heart. I love my kids more than anything and I unfortunately know what it is like to come from a disfunctional home; my Mom died when I was 14. I hate to think of my kids going through this; it would destroy them. I feel that I am sacrificing my life for their happiness in life, but it is very difficult for me.

    1. I live your life. However my husband accuses me of cheating. I never ever have but I feel he does it to be able to justify why he treats me so badly. I am right now at a point where I’m asking myself what kind of life is this for my kids? Getting a divorce will be hard but allowing them to be in a healthy environment where they see there Mother be happy is so much more important. By us allowing the behavior and in a way ignoring it is wrong. I’m so afraid to take the next step but through God’s strength I’m going to try.


  47. Dear laurie… Your words have struck right to the core.specially about caring for yourself in such a situation. I had got to the point where i DID think i was at fault in everything! But you know, once u are willing to face the worst that can happen n then b ok with it…a strange calm descends from the Lord into your heart. Bless you! And thanks!

  48. I have been married for 21 years. We are both believers and followers of Jesus. But we are so different. Our faith work it’s so different. We have been through nonstop travels in our marriage. My daughter has told me over and over again that I deserve better. That no man should treat his wife like he treats me. I haven’t been the best wife either. I was so hurt by him that eventually that hurt turned into anger and self-defense. I have disrespected him as well. We have completely different ideas on how to marriage should run. I always want to be home with the kids, but he believes that a woman should work as well. He doesn’t have much of an education, and this job doesn’t pay that well. But he does work hard. He just never took the time or the effort to better himself. He just always expected me to help bring home the money. I have one child of my own, and we had four kids together. So it was heartbreaking for me to leave them at home and go to work. We would work opposite shifts so the kids wouldn’t have to be in day care. But I suffered so much depression because of that. I would end up leaving jobs. So her finances of always been terrible. He blames me for this. I blame him for not stepping it up and getting a better job. The truth is if I would’ve known I marriage would’ve been like this I never would’ve married him. And the fact that my daughter tells me to leave him, that is very embarrassing. My daughter loves the Lord so much and I have taken her opinion to heart. I haven’t left him because he didn’t want to disappoint God, make God look bad, nor did I want my kids to be without a bother. I have spent the last 21 years praying and hoping for a change.

  49. I’m 25 years old and my husband is 32, I’ve been married for two years. I’m not happy in my marriage, my husband consently treats my like crap. He makes me feel like I’m useless even though I work, cook, and do all of the house work. I pay bills too but he always brings up how he pays more bills then I do. But for him I’m lazy and don’t do anything in the house when that’s all I do. He loves spending his time on his phone more then having a conversation with me. He gets upset when I ask him if could please put his phone down so we can talk about our day. I wonder why are we even married if he can’t even have a decent conversation with me? It’s to the point where I don’t even want to have sex with him because he only gives me hugs and kisses when he wants it… but never when we aren’t in bed, to me that makes me feel like he just uses me when he wants it. He never says anything sweet to me mostly calls me names like “fat”, “lazy”, and “boring”. The other day I saw a picture online of a old couple celebrating there 30th anniversary and I asked him “ can u see us like this in the future?” His respons was “I don’t know” there my heart crushed into pieces because even though there are times I want to call it quits I still like to picture us until “death do us apart” I don’t know what to do anymore.

    1. I can relate to you, Briana. My husband makes me feel worthless, that I have no purpose in life. He owns his own business which makes him very busy, and I do all that I can to help and support him, yet he never is appreciative in his actions. I feel very taken for granted. He is also distracted on his phone a lot and when I say something, he says it’s business related and I have to understand that. He doesn’t give me the time and attention I need, nor does he fulfill much of my emotional needs. When I try to establish a boundary, and express what I am not comfortable with, he doesn’t care and thinks I’m being ridiculous and just trying to get my way. He once told me that I “need to get a life”, and if I do, maybe I’ll stop being so easily upset. He doesn’t care that he hurts me, even when I tell him he does. He’s been abusive like this probably after one year of dating and I was too blind to see the reality of it. I also don’t know what to do anymore.

    2. My dear, i can feel you. Im also going through alot of what you are going through. Im currently pregnant and to my greatest surprise this is when my husband has taken advange of my emotional status and says anything he wants to me and treats me like crap. He forces me to eat things that o dont want to eat just bcos he is the one who made it. Im 6 months pregnant and work full time and even makes more money than him and he does not want to spend his own money to do things or pay bills around the house. He keeps saying i dont have money and makes excuses and make me pay bills yet he call me names at every little chance he gets. I love the fact that im having a baby but wish i was not pregnant but with him at this point

  50. I have been with my husband for 14 yrs and I now stay in the spare room. He never says anything nice to me or to anyone else. I’m 63 yrs old and he’s 70 yrs old. He will be nice one day and then the next day he has rage. He will go off on me for about an hour and then come up and hug me and say he’s sorry. I’m over this behavior of his. I still care about him but the trust is gone. To be honest, I think he has symptoms of being bipolar. He always criticizes me but I don’t sit there and take it. I tell him he’s an asshole and I let him know exactly why he is treating me like he is. He’s mental but I still love him. I’m lonely too. I figure for all the crap I have put up with I deserve a vacation alone to Europe. I don’t even care if he’s here when I get back. We both still work full time and now I’m preparing my life without him because it’s called survival of the fetus. No one else is going to take care of me or my needs in this relationship so I’m planning for my well being presently and for the future. If my husband gets hurt by my actions then he is suffering the consequences of his actions. I moved into the spare room and now I’m saving money for an emergency fund. Basically for backup if he leaves. Like I said once you lose trust in your spouse anything can happen and I don’t want to be in dire straits if and when that time comes.

  51. I'm just tired......

    I have been with my husband for 8 years married for 4. He used to treat me amazing until we got married. He slowly started with calling me terrible names during arguments and now he throws things ,screams at the top of his lungs , and calls me fat ass constantly when angry. We have 2 kids and I stay at home with them he complains about money constantly even though I spend nothing on myself ever and save us money monthly. I feel trapped like I’m stuck forever with his horrible abusive attitude and negativity.

    1. I am in a similar situation and I’m suffering a lot with his narcissistic behaviour, I’m also guessing he was also bipolar ☹️

      1. I am in a similar situation and I pray to God for help! I have two Beautiful daughters and I do not know what to do? I cry constantly and I do no love my husband anymore. I would like to divorce but when I try to talk about it, he calls me names it is horrible I pray to GOD FOR HELP!!! I explain to my daughters that it is not normal that a husband yells and call names to a wife. I feel so bad, I do not know what to do?

  52. Hi
    I am a House wife and I’m tolerating my husband for the past few years. He talks bad infront of people to me I’m not getting enough respect from him. Always I feel like leaving him and going but I cannot do that for the sake of kids. I’want my husbands love and consideration. How can I get it ? I’m done trying different methods but everything is unsuccessful

  53. Thank you for the insight. What’s especially hard is not knowing whether I contributed mostly to the situation I am in now or whether I was pushing the truth under the rug the whole time. Partly because when I sought reassurance I was being told it’s all in my head or we wouldn’t be together if he was no longer interested.

    At the moment I am going through being ignored and treated like I am not around and like I don’t matter. Anything I am against continues to happen or the things I communicate hurt me continue to be done. Plans are told to me and carried out whether I agree or not. When I don’t agree he turns to other females whether relatives or friends for acknowledgement and validation. This causes me to agree with almost everything he wants to do.
    When I don’t have money I am not respected and when I don’t look good also I get the cold shoulder.

    I have made numerous efforts and continue to look the way he wants and work many hours to make enough money but this has only temporarily solved the problem on the surface. I am seeing now that he never truly loved me at least this is what I think.

    I feel responsible because I was not the most expressive person in terms of thanking him for what he does for us and have not always been the touchy-feely type or rarely say flirtatious staff to him. When we were dating I was these things but he would push me away at times so I ended up putting a fence for fear of being rejected.

    We’ve been married for 18years now and few years ago he became distant and it’s happening even more now.
    He’s not one to agree to go for counseling and no room for me to express myself when I get upset or react negatively. I rarely react badly and always react passively and pray and not confront.

    Barely any love making and is now at times telling me he is tired or just pushes my hand away. The last trip when he returned he did not initiate any lovemaking which he usually does. He travels quite often.
    He obsess over possessions and acquiring material things and money.

    He’s also not engaged in our children’s need and will seldom acknowledge or compliment them. He does not feel remorseful when he hurts my feelings. He used to or at least I thought he did.

    I look to God for direction and will continue to. I feel I know what to do but also want to make sure that I am following the word of God.
    He’s always miserable when he’s home with us but pleasant when he’s away. Basically he wants to relocate back home to his roots where he feels important and respected.
    Bottom line I don’t feel loved and so far I partly blame myself.

    1. I read your story and cried a lot. This is my relationship too. My husband is a narcissist. He is all about himself. No empathy toward me. I have no money and no where to go. My dad is in hospice and my mom has lung cancer. I’m staying as strong as I can but my looks have faded and I now have low self esteem. I’m so confused. He blames me for EVERYTHING. I don’t know what to do.

      1. Be there for your parents. Do what you thought you could never do. Have faith in whatever you decide you will get through it. Your worth so much more.

  54. I’m just so tired of being yelled at, made to feel less than because he pays more bills, and told I don’t do enough at home because “I’m home every night.” He drives a truck and is gone most of the week; I work 40 hours a week for a stressful insurance agency. I was told yesterday I was ungrateful because I hadn’t told him thank you for taking us to the beach. I never asked to go to the beach. He yelled at me the night before we left, on the way down there and on the way home about my driving. We had a screaming match when we got home because I had held it all inside for 4 days (I refused to start a conversation in front of our friends.) I’m just at a loss. Where did the nice caring man go that wanted to marry me and take care of me go?

    I am angry at my husband for just being himself, When we first got together I had been divorced 11 years and he had just split up with a drug addict wife, What I didnt know was he was feeding her the drugs, going and buying $150-$300 at any given day. He got his divorce and he was always so loving ,caring nice and kind. So we got married after a few short months of dating. A week or two into the marriage I found out that he was in debt $20,000 because he chose to buy drugs with bill money and borrow money to pay the bills. Ten months into the marriage his credit is building and mine is slowly going down because of all the medical bills I have. Anyway his main attention now is anyone walking around with breast or butt…so much so that his actions are so bad I cant ask my 34 year old daughter or my 11 year old grand daughter to even come to visit for fear of him sitting and staring at their breast. It has got so bad that I am ANGRY all the time

  56. I live with my boyfriend for 7 years and he treats our dog so much better than he has treated me I’m always a peace of trash to him no matter what I do for him. He had a car accident and was not able to walk now he can walk in just sh*t for him.

  57. I am married going to 7 years now my husband just got his pension money from on the 8th of August he has been spending his money for himself only he brought himself a car this month Wednesday I asked him for money for me and our kids needs he refused I just discovered today he was busy sending his mistress porn vodies telling her he is horny and when he goes back to work to have to do those styles on de videos it really hurt me because he treats me like dirt in public and bad mouths me to people I had made a decision I want to look for a nanny to come and take care of our kids so that I could go to work and stand on my own 2 feet he vowed to me that won’t happen as the person I was going to ask for a job is his friend he has a brokerage so he went to the friend to bad mouth me he wants me to stay at home with the kids at home but when he has money he becomes very rude he even told me the only thing I know is sex and drinking I asked him if the only thing I know is the 2 things you want say why did you marry me he said because they was something he wanted he just wanted to have kids with me and a South African citizenship. He is from Kenya he has never respected me the time he lost his job early this year I supported him until the friend hired him. Im a very broken woman I need courage to be a leave him but I don’t know where to start because I’m broke and don’t have a job

  58. I am married for 13years with four boys: 11,11,9,&5. My husband is very religious and on first contact you will call him a pure gentle man. A pastor even though we are Catholics. He loves public recognition and can sacrifice even me and boys to get it. When I am financially strong he is very loving and can stay upl night to make plans with me how the money will go. When he has money he becomes rude and shows no interest in my life or even the children. Monthly up keep is my busy and he doesn’t show any interest. I talked with a counselor who said I need to be more assertive. I tried been more assertive but ended up with developing high blood pressure. I wanted inner peace and I gently continued with been assertive but in areas that could cause him public embarrassment like school fees. I stopped supporting him in paying the fees. The school called him and that is how I became free from fees. As for feeding he doesn’t care so I had to endure feeding the boys but later convinced him to send three of them to boarding schools. So I’m left alone to fed myself and the youngest boy including him. I only feel the burden of feeding when the boys are on vacation. Though I occasionally make him buy things like some food stuff when I’m completely down financially. I actually stopped asking my parents for financial support. So when I don’t have I don’t have and if he wants the boys hungry then its his choice not mine. Its only in such condition he respond and I manage whatever he brings without quarreling. I can’t because I’m marriage cut short my life. Apart from the financial stress I have a major problem which is very difficult and I started a new approach though it still hurt me badly. He verbally abuses me at any slightest mistake I make. He doesn’t compliment me or even encourage me. He doesn’t discuss with me how he feels or listens to me how I feel. If I insist that he listens to me , he either does not respond or his response is one of these : is that all? Are you OK now? I have listen to you. It hurts that he doesn’t take time out to show me he loves me. Am even convinced now that he never loved me . He is so quick in condemning my actions or mistake . My new defence for my own happiness and peace of mind is this: the last time he condemn my mistake I responded to him calmly but with these words: if you know you can not take care of me when I’m emotionally down, medically sick, nor listen to my problems and helping me out financially then stop telling me my fault. If I can emotionally financially and psychologically care for myself then I don’t need you to tell me my mistakes. I’ll figure it out myself.
    But I still hurt badly. I have a great shape and he loves my body. He is physically attracted to me. Sometimes after sex I cry because I want to share my sex life with a man who loves me and support me. Whenever he sees me crying he will be silent. I’m confused!
    Let me draw your attention that is monthly income is thrice mine. We are in our own house that I supported him to build. My boys don’t have any health challenge that drains money. He is a self crush lover. He comes first before us.
    Am a well know leader in church modelling lots of youths and I had to take a subtle action to avoid destroying my ministry.
    Thanks. I feel slightly relieve just writing this down. Any advise is highly welcome.

  59. I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. We’ve been together for 20 years. Hes the only person I’ve ever been with. Over the course of our entire relationship hes been verbally and emotionally abusive. After so long I also started calling him names. We have 3 children ages 9, 7 and almost 3. About 2.5 years ago I found out that he was involved with a 19 year old girl sexually and emotionally. He was 33 at the time. To makes matters worse, I later found out he was on a dating site not only seeing the 19 year old but also several other people. In order to find out the truth I did things beyond belief. I put a tracker on his car, voice recorder in his car, hired a private detective…in other words I drove myself crazy. When I should have just let him go I begged for him to stay. I threatened him with the kids and our rental homes. I was completely and utterly distraught. And now it’s been going on and off for several years. I’m so codependent upon him in many ways. Financially I’m fine. But emotionally I’m not. His think lately is telling he he hates me on a regular basis, that these other people can run circles around me, that’s I’m garbage, that he doesnt want me, that he doesnt love me, which is obvious…but I still have trouble leaving. I’m going to schedule an appointment with a counselor this week bbecause I’m just so depressed. I just feel so jerked back and forth. For several months now I feel like the majority of what hes done has stopped. He has been spending a lot of time with the kids. As of January this year he stopped calling me things like you fat ugly bitch but now resorts to just telling me he hates me. We have gone a few vacations as a family and it goes well for a short time then ends up in a fight. Hes always criticizing me. Hes always sarcastic towards me. I just cant seem to break this cycle and I’m starting to completely lose me.

    1. Hello Melanie I’m so saddened when I read what u wrote about your life and relationship I to went thru that with my husband we been together 16 years met in high school he called me names but not like what u are going thru I went to a place in my area called hope and they helped me gain my self sanity back and learn how to cope with my husband if I was gonna continue to be with him my issue was we have kids and I didn’t want them growing up thinking it was okay for him to treat me this way I just wanted to pass on some support to u let u know u aren’t alone u both need some counseling at some point something went wrong but I am a firm believer that it will get better with time check out your area for marriage counseling and one for just u that women go to for advice it’s very helpful u will feel like a new u u will get stronger to where if he doesn’t wanna change your independent strengths will be so much to the point u could leave and not feel bad about it u wouldn’t be so needy to him always put yourself first u cannot have a successful marriage if it’s all about making him happy it goes both ways if he don’t wanna seek help for his issues than u get help for u that way y can learn to love u again so if u ever had to be on your own u would be able to I hope things get better for u and the kids I’m always an ear for listening u can reach out to me anytime sometimes women just need someone to listen and understand it will help u get thru the process…

  60. Hello Leah,

    Sorry to know of your story. I could understand how you feel. Please no matter what do not stop loving yourself. Focus on yourself, find and do things that make you happy. I am going through a nasty experience in my marriage too as my husband is seemingly a man-child. But it’s okay, I have been managing the situation well. I focus on things that give me joy and the people who are nice to me.

  61. Hello I’m a 35 year old mother of 3 and a wife to my husband of 16 years lately my husband has gotten a new job and it just seems like ever since he’s changed he comes home hes angry doesn’t associate with me or our kids hes mean sometimes he questions me like I’m doing wrong I’m a stay at home mom he doesn’t want me to work he likes me to be home and cook clean etc which I don’t mind I enjoy the housewife thing but lately I feel like he’s being unappreciative of me and he text me all day and tells me how much I’m missed but when he gets home he doesn’t show it I know he loves me cause he does show it but his affection and stuff is weird at times he is like stand offish and it hurts my feelings because I’m doing all I can above and beyond for this marriage and I feel like I’m getting nowhere I think about being better off alone than being here sometimes I’m lost and hurt at the same time am I over reacting or is this a cause for some concern cause I don’t know where to turn

  62. Hello,
    I need some advice immediately. I am 22 years old and just recently got married. In person he is a great guy, but we are LDR at the moment since he lives in another country, but typically acts very Americanized. However, how we spend time is gaming together since there is not much you can do online and we are working on the visa. I am a very competitive gamer and rage easily. I never call him a name and rage by making odd noises and pouting. He gets very made at that. This one day we were deciding to create a credit card for me to build up credit. We decided to play a game before registering for a credit card. In the game I trolled a little, but got banned for it and my husband mistook my trolling as raging. So he hung up and everything. So, I decide to get prepared to create my credit card by creating my social security account on their website so I can change my address. When I went to make an account it gave me questions about taking out loans, which I never did. I am 22 years old with a math learning disability, nor never had credit. So I checked none of the above for all the questions and it locked me out saying my information was not correct with those questions. So, I am freaking out. I have Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD and Anxiety, so my mind is so conflicted since I cannot call the social security place on weekends and am trying to call him and message him. He doesn’t answer due to him being mad at me over a game. A game, people. Remember this. So, I message him saying that my identity could be stolen and am freaking out. He says “That’s your problem”.
    I feel so alone. I have no one who helps me or supports me even though I am so young at age. My parents never taught me about life and used my mental disabilities as a blanket so they did not have to teach me adult things and I am here practically trying to learn on my own. My husband said he’d help me learn, but look at how he is being? We just got married and he is like this towards me. It’s causing my depression and anxiety to become worse.
    He makes my depression out to be some joke or something that is “cringe”. I am not really allowed to vent out my depression to him or cry, yet he doesn’t want me to take medicine, so I am so messed up in my mind even more than I was when I was taking medicine. I am so alone in my mind. I feel so out of place that I always just want to die. I have no one to support me. I trust no one since my husband put it in my mind that everyone will just screw me over and he hasn’t been wrong. Everyone whom I confided in has screwed me over. It feels like he is now screwing me over. I just cannot take it anymore. What do I even do?

  63. My husband, on ocassion, usually when I work late, will drink until he passes out. He also, when he is drunk, goes to a webcam porn site where he can chat with the women on the site, which I feel is cheating. This has been going on for a few years. It can be several weeks or even months, between these incidents. There were many years before he started doing this, so it hasn’t been most of our time together. The last time it happened, I yelled and screamed and told him I hated him and wanted a divorce. He stayed at a hotel for a couple of days, then I went away for a few days for work. I became very depressed and couldn’t live with the idea of being apart. I went back to him, but we never talked about anything–our communication is not great. Well, it happened again tonight. I didn’t yell, just cleaned up and took care of the pets. We are going on a cruise in a couple of weeks. Financially, I can’t really be on my own. We have a big mortgage and other debt, plus he makes double what I do. I’m used to a certain life style, nothing too fancy. He knows how I feel, but doesn’t seem to want to change. We even tried marriage counseling, but neither of us liked the therapist. I feel like I should be strong and leave, but I had a nervous breakdown last time when I really contemplated divorce. I feel terrible, always anxious and often lonely.

  64. Ok my husband is not physically abusive although he has squeezed and walked me out of rooms but I have been through much trauma since an early age both parents passed by age 11 sister left me with her abusive husband age13 moved with another sister differant state (I’m American indian) all white community where I was picked on bullied to the point I felt unwanted and out of place no self esteem no confidence turned angry mean and got into many physical fights got pregnant at 17 married at 18 was physically n verbally abused cheated on and divorced by 21 but drilled it in my head Noone would ever treat me this way again turned to alcohol and used it to cope with everything ended up in lots of trouble over the years on my 3rd marriage found my friend dead my brother killed by train my sister froze in the Mountains homeless got into meth at 29 my son committed suicide at 19 I was 39 my dad also suicide when I was 9 I attempted it 3 times I believe most woman are home untrustworthy and sneaky and will sleep with your man and althought I never been alone n singel men will cheat and are sneaky at everything they do I don’t believe they are trustworthy and will cheat n lie while I’m being talked about and looked at like what a fool so I have major trust issues and make accusations about cheating almost every day and say I’m the only woman that has selfrespect morals,values,and the most honest loyal woman you will ever meet yet I don’t know how to stop self sabotage I love and show my love so genuinely and I want to feel loved the way I show love but what I call communication telling my husband what he don’t do anymore that he has cheated but I also have found many woman’s clothe hair strands pictures of scratches bite marKS audio of whispers and sex moans aND a husband that has no reaction or empathy for what I feel has happened and accused him of cheating and he doesn’t show me affection or compliment me won’t talk about what I feel and says he not arguing with me and is cold hearted never ever gives in gives me the silent treatment acts like he has no care but yet tells me he loves me but won’t fight for the marriage he says I belittle him with what I say about the things he no longer does I call it communication I understand I disrespect him by accusations and not trusting and believing what he says but I get no help and trying to figure out how all these females clothing under garments get in my home garage I can’t stop accusations cuz he makes me feel he has had affairs but says it is all in my head I need help and yet a frind thinks the same of his wife and he talks to him about their deal and agrees with what he says with item or assumptions he has of his wife he always says I will never leave and I don’t want to I made my vown through god this last time and want to believe he gave him to me for life but so much has happened it’s a toxuc relationship but I feel he is right I caused it all in my own head and I’m self inflciting from all my past but then I just want to leave so that I may find the man that understands me and helps me instead of keeping score and only emotion he shows is hid cold heart I just don’t know what to do
    Why do I stay with a man who doesn’t try and help me I know I should leave if it makes me so unhappy and he plays the victim nothing is ever his fault I think I allowed him to disrespect me so many times by letting him know I love him more than life and believing I’m always the reason our marriage is failing I believed him when he said I was crazy and I make most of this stuff up cuz I never caught him in the act I just want to know true happiness and trust and believe there is a friend and man that won’t deceive me we are unemployed I have no lisence and no money to leave and I feel like nothing ever gets better hard to change or work on me in this environment where he feels he done no wrong and doesn’t show me anything that might help us o write love notes prayers show him love and I get nothing so I die a little more everyday

    now what to do we are not working we are by no means even a little wealthy

  65. I think my husband only values me as the mother of his 3 children and as his sexual partner. He makes a lot of sexual demands on me and sometimes due to being tired I can not do them and then he will sulk all day or more until I give him what he wants. He doesn’t really respect me. He tells me repeatedly to “be quiet” in a mean way when I have something to say. I have to do everything to please him. He is cold hearted and angry. He gets very angry with me over nothing much, often in front of the kids which really upsets them. They have asked before in tears if we would get divorced, and this broke my heart. I said to them that no, we wouldn’t. I have a voice and do have self esteem, I do not want to be told to be quiet again. He does not physically hurt me though. I work but I do not earn much, he is the main wage earner. I am from France and living in Britain and have no family nearby; he has his. I don’t know what to do. I thought I would try to stay in the marriage for another few years for the sake of the children, but I don’t know if I have the strength.

  66. My husband is completely contrary. Everything I say he says opposite. If a like A, he demands B. I work from home and he always interrupts my work demanding that I do something or go somewhere with him. I never get to go anywhere alone. He gets mad if I want to go somewhere by myself. So I don’t go. There is 10 years difference in our ages. I work and he’s retired. I am financing his retirement which is ok. He is 78 and cannot live on his social security. Otherwise I would leave him. If I don’t agree with him, he blows up. So, I usually just don’t say anything and suck it up. It’s not worth the fallout. I just don’t know how to live in this situation. Can you give me any suggestions?

    1. I think you need to start going on your own sometimes. Since he is not emotionally supportive you need to find that from girlfriends. If you are part of a church, go to a bible study once a week. If he objects, offer to find a bible study that is co-ed so he can come along, but you need to go regardless. Also a couple of times a month go out with girlfriends – out for coffee, to visit a museum, etc.

      I was married to an alcoholic. For many years I sacrificed, then I realized – my life is passing by and I need to take care of myself. No matter what I did, he would not stop drinking. I prayed, I tried to help him, I argued. I started making time for myself. I would go to a book club once a week and to a Bible study once a week. That helped me make good friends who supported me and then once in a while we would do something fun.

      Then a couple of girlfriends and I went to Greece. I love to travel to places where I could enjoy history, architecture, a different culture… my husband was not interested in any of that. But I went and I had a blast.

      I think you need to ask yourself what is fair for your husband to demand from you. Financial support? Sure. Emotional support, of course. Love and faithfulness, yes. But every single moment of your life? No. You also need to take care of yourself. If he was a healthy person he would want to take care of you and encourage you to take care of yourself. Since he is not – you need to do this for yourself. Pray about it, but as long as what you are doing is not encouraging you to sin, there is nothing wrong with spending time apart from him to do activities with friends (or by yourself) that you enjoy.

  67. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage once. In fairness, I had plenty of “red flags” prior to saying “I Do” so I have to accept some accountability. But, like most emotional abusers (or even physical abusers) they can dance in and out of the abuse, with short periods of respite. Still, as the years accelerate, the emotional abuse becomes more steady.
    I was horrible. The disdain, the words, the insults and derogatory remarks about your looks (“hey, I was only kidding, what’s a matter, can’t you take a joke”), the obnoxious treatment in front of other people, etc. Finally, the tipping point happened for me and he said one thing that I’ll remember for the rest of my life, for which I’m grateful for, for it gave me the absolute strength and clarity to simply get out and never look back.
    To women in emotionally abusive marriages, I know it’s hard … children, finances, lack of self-worth creeps in, but remember – it’s not you, it’s them. Love yourself and gain strength to do what you know you have to do. Life is short, if you’re going to spend it in a couple, spend it with someone who loves and actually “likes” you.

    1. I’ve been feeling lime this lately. I just want to leave but the kids. Even though I KNOW this isn’t a healthy environment to raise them in, I still stay. My oldest is starting to suffer from my husbands behavior. I can see signs of depression and anxiety. I just want to escape with them. My husband has told me he hates me, I’m a horrible mother (which I will NEVER forget despite I gave up MY career to stay home with the kids despite the fact I made more money than him), has called me crazy, and loves to insult me or embarrass me particularly in front of other people. He also told me I looked like a man when I asked to stop smoking dope when the kids were home. He loves to brag and boast about himself constantly to get people to feed his fragile ego. I woke up a while ago about who he really is; an emotionally damaged person. I wish I never married him. I actually dumped him because he was such as asswipe but of course, he changed. It was tenporary and I should have known that. I don’t know how he did it, but I think he always felt I had one foot out of the door so he did what he had to to keep me. Of course when we had our second child, he immediately started with the controlling behavior and the isolation. I was trapped and no one knew. He’d leave me with both kids while he went on photography trips (a hobby). Spent money we didn’t have, called me out of my name when I confronted him. Smokes dope and drank when he wanted to even though we have young children. He is my worst nightmare come true. My in laws condoned his bahavior because at least he wasn’t “cheating on me”. Thats the support I got. Well, I took control back, went back to school, networked in my profession, and now I have a excellent reputation in my field and a full time job I can work from home. He doesn’t like me, but I don’t even care at this point; I don’t like him either. All I care about are my kids.

  68. I came to this page after an intense argument with my husband (thank you Google search). We’ve been married for almost 4 years now and our daughter is getting ready to turn 2. We rent a room from my grandma’s house, where we live with other renters, so it’s extremely embarrassing when my husband starts yelling at me (he blames his anger towards me on the fact that we can’t afford to live on our own). The thing is that he is angry at me because I want to work, or mostly, I have to work in order to pay the bills but then he gets angry at me when I don’t work because he doesn’t want to pay for babysitting. It’s just weird to me because I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. He will legit yell at me because I’ll remind him to move the car (for the streetsweeper) while I’m giving the baby a bath, he’ll tell me things like “are you f****** serious you can’t f****** do that s*** on your own you lazy b****”. He’ll yell at me if I ask him to watch the baby while I do his laundry or make the bed. Our baby is a handful so even if she’s with me while I do the laundry she’ll more than likely get into things that she shouldn’t which delays me from finishing any work so every once in awhile I do have to ask my husband to help me when she’s extra rowdy. When my husband has asked me to quit work to watch our daughter he’s gotten mad when I asked him for a couple of dollars for a bill I needed to pay. Because of that I don’t want to miss out on work especially if my bills will not be paid or my daughter’s necessities won’t get bought. Then when I do work, he says that I use work as a way to try to escape from him. Secretly, he’s correct, however, I need to work because if I can’t pay for my daughter’s necessities or pay my car note I know that no one else will help me. Honestly, I can never do anything right by him. I’m just crap to him. I came from a very abusive, misogynistic, sexist family,you’d think I’d be used to this treatment but I’m not. I can’t run to my family because to them “that’s the life of a woman”. I was born in the 1990’s and although I was born in the U.S. it seems like this “women are property” mindset isn’t really changing as drastically as people think and I really feel like I’m just meant to live life as a door mat. I don’t know what to do, I just want to runaway and take my daughter with me. I want to break the cycle. I want her to have a better life than I did, even if it means leaving all we know behind. But even then it’s not a guarantee that will be anymore safe on our own.

  69. It takes too much energy to fight with a noisy, my way or the highway type of man. He isn’t around 24/7 . Do what you think is best during the off hours that you aren’t together. Make you time. Remember, karma is a bi**h.

  70. My husband is 20 years older than me. I’m 26 and he is 46. I met him when I was 21 and started dating him by 23. He is a very good looking man, looks younger than he is. He makes alot of money which I don’t care about, I love him. We ended up breaking up shortly after dating. I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure if it was from a previous relationship with whom I had a son with, or him because we got together quickly after I left the father of my son. I let him know, and he drinks to excess often, so he immediately started calling me all kinds of horrible disgusting names, tells me “there are better hoes out there” and on and on. The next day he acts normal like nothing happened. When he went to work I packed my son and I up and moved in with my mom. We didn’t talk for almost a whole year. He was talking bad about me the whole time we didn’t talk, I found that out later. We end up getting back together once the DNA came back our daughter was his. Everything was great…. for a little bit. He isn’t physically abusive, but he can be very mean and makes me cry.. we have only been married a year and have my 4 yr old son, 2 yr old daughter, and now a 5 month old daughter. He tests my patience… I have anger issues and had a long history of child abuse physically, mentally, sexually, so I’ve been used to rage… we end up flipping out on eachother and it’s not healthy. I have been telling him for the past few weeks if this doesn’t change I want a divorce. This isn’t healthy for us or the children. Everytime we argue and I tell him this, he tried to say how sorry he is and how he doesn’t want to lose me our our family, but he won’t change… what do you think about this?

  71. My husband and I have been in a difficult marriage for 10 years. He slept on the couch for 3 years. I have cheated on him the 2nd year we were married and told him the truth. I was on drugs and so was he when I made that mistake and now have been sober for 8 years. I wasn’t that person when I was high. In a good wife and would have never done that if I was sober. But truth is #1 to me so I told him the truth. That’s why he sloped on the couch. Now for the last 2 years he has yelled and screamed at me. Accusing me of false accusations. He can’t see that I’m a different person now. He has left me at the Laundromat and movie theater. Now I have hard feelings towards him I can’t seem to get over. He is nice to me for a couple of days then flips out on me.my 13year old son is not his and he has no biological children of his own. My son is angry with him cause he has witnessed how he treats me and now my son hold a grudge towards him and so do I. He doesn’t work cause he was in a motorcycle wreck before I meet him and shattered his foot. When I 1st meet him he did work but he was high and I think that that killed his physical pain. Now I get up early to get my son to school and go to work and do the laundry and and he stays home working on his bicycles. He hardly cleans the house. I come home after he picks me up from work and I make dinner. Then I get this attitude from him. I don’t deserve it and I have wanted to leave for a long time. I can’t even take myself to work cause he thinks in really not going to work in doing something else. I bring home a check so ya in not at work right?! If I take too long going to the store by myself it’s 20 questions when I get home. I found myself calling him when I arrive at the store then leave the store ect. So he doesn’t questions me later. Its irritating when he does that. But he questions me regardless of what I do.

  72. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have 5 kids together (& no more) . He is a drug addict. He was addicted to opiates, now Adderall and zanacs. Which he claims he is not addicted to them, that he uses them while in recovery. No one else knows of his problem but me. For years he has killed our finances bc he spent insane amounts of money on drugs. Now lately he does nothing but sleep, uses our money to buy Adderall and zanac, and talks to me like crap and blows up on me for nothing. He is full of anger. He can also be very destructive with our house and stuff. He does not hit, but he will get in my face and yell. He purposely tries to scare me. He blames everything on me and doesn’t want to ever hear or talk about what he does wrong. He’s just getting worse. I’ve tried twice now to get him to our church counselor and he won’t go. I just canot take it any more.

  73. Dear Lhalie,

    Growing up without a father is way better than growing up with an abusive man who treats his wife like garbage. Your daughter is watching you, and learning how a marriage works. Girls who watch their moms in relationships with abusive men do not learn how a healthy marriage works.

    While you’re deciding if you can live in a difficult marriage, consider the long-term effects on your daughter. Simply having a father in the house isn’t enough. Having a difficult, abusive man in the house is destructive and damaging.

    Yes, your family’s perspective of your husband will change if you tell the truth about how difficult your marriage is. Yes, it will be hard to leave. Yes, making huge life decisions is painful and scary!

    And yes, it will be worth it.

    I’ll keep you in my prayers. May you find peace and healing in your life. May you be strengthened and encouraged, and may you know the faith and peace that only God can bring.

    Take care of yourself. Talk to people who are supportive and kind. Take a deep breath, and know that if you take it one step at a time, you can get through anything.


  74. Im married for 5years. My husband treat me like garbage because of my past and it is way back 2010. Until now we argue at the same story even i told him everything. Sometimes i tell what he wants to hear even if i didn’t do it to finish the arguement. Im sick and tired of it. I want to leave him bur im thinking of my daughter. I dont want to grow my daughter without a father. I want to tell to someone what i’ve been through im afraid it will damage his image especially to my family.

  75. I am actually very blessed right now because I thought I had the worst husband in the world. I have been married since 3 months and we have had many fights and I was thinking about separation. My husband is controlling, he wants me to do stuff his way, he is doing PhD and I am doing BSE. He is 6 years older than me and sometimes acts like I am 8 years old. He criticizes me most of the time and I feel helpless sometimes. He is taking care of me financially and often very nice to me, but sometimes he feels like a stranger to me. I am going to put work in my marriage now because I am so sad to read the painful stories above. Nobody deserves to be treated like this, my prayers go out to all of you.

  76. me and my husband has been together for 4 and half years. we have been separate for 1 year. before we separat we had 2 boys together. in that year of separation i got pregnant again with him. but we was not living together. when i was 8 and half months pregnant i got a messages from his ex girlfriend her sending me a pictures of her and my husband. i did not say anything to her. but because i was high pregnant. i was hurt. i called my family and they come in rush because they did not want anything to happen to my baby and me. after somedays my husband contacted me. and said he is sorry and i did forgive him. but now he treat me the way he want. he insort me in any ways. im thinking oof a divorce but i dont know how to leave him because of the kids, im not happy in this marriage.please help

  77. I am married to a man who is older than me. He has several physical illnesses, so I know he doesn’t feel well. He is drawing social security and working a part time job, which is not much money. I am a nurse and working 2 jobs to try to make ends meet. I have a piece of property in another town that he bought and put in my name because he was haggling with the IRS at that time. Due to financial issues, I have told him that I can’t pay the taxes on it any longer and that he needed to take care of it. He has had his son pay them in the past, but recently the son has not paid it and I keep getting overdue statements. I am paying all of our bills and simply don’t have the money to pay these taxes. I never wanted that property and felt pressured by him. The hoa fees are also overdue. Tonight I tried discussing all of this with him and he got furious and wouldn’t even talk to me. He just keeps saying I told you I would take care of it, but I’ve heard that until I’m blue in the face. He treats me awful. Talks to me like I am a dog. I feel that if my name is on that property, I have a right to discuss it if past due notices are coming. I am getting to quitclaim this property to him, because Im done!

  78. Mine is so different and it hurts me to my bone marrow. My husband is 20 years older than me,
    I married him because i thought i won’t worry about him cheating, he would not shout or treat me badly and because i would get financially most thing i need because of his age and his position in life, but guess what? to my greatest surprise, everything i wished for turned out to be a nightmare. the only thing i don’t see with him is that he does not cheat.
    He shouts at me like i’m one of his Kids
    He treats me like dirt
    I need weeks to get the lowest financial help that i feel like a beggar.
    He never compliments me no matter how much i ask for it.
    He is a king at home while i’m a slave
    In fact every minute i spend with him is a time i never want to remember. All i see n look forward to is a life without him. I have a girl with him and another baby on the way.
    I ‘m pained every day.

  79. Dear bigmamacat,

    It sounds like you’re under a lot of stress, and you feel helpless and powerless. I am so sorry to hear that your partner is mean and abusive – I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to live with him.

    I don’t know what I can do to help, other than to encourage you to call the domestic violence helpline and talk to the counsellors there. I suspect that the only way to get away from your partner is to sacrifice your house. It’s not fair, it sucks, it’s not what you imagined…but I fear it’s the only way to save your life.

    Call the domestic violence helpline, and talk to a counsellor about your situation. And, start thinking that you may have to do something radical to make a radical change in your life.

    What do you think?

    Blessings – I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers –


  80. I’m not married but my boyfriend lives with me and we’ve been living together for about 6 years. He treats me badly, he drinks excessively, flies into rages, is verbally and physically abusive, basically because he’s angry about his life, his missed opportunities, his drama with his kids and their mother, etc. I desperately want this relationship to end. I’ve called the police on him, we argue all the time, he won’t leave my house, he expects me to raise his kids because their mother doesn’t, and now he expects me to fight with her, which I think is his job to do. The issue is between them not with me. I carry the financial burden for him, his baby mama and their kids, because they both barely work or keep jobs, and I just can’t watch his kids go without since they’re in my house most of the time. I don’t know what to do! I’m not strong enough to stand up to him, he out argues me, and says such nasty and vile things to me it leaves me speechless and in tears. He’s a big strong guy, 6-4, and I’m not physically able to fight him! I’m not a fighter, I’m non-confrontational. But all this drama has me so stressed out I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I walk on eggshells around him, I don’t do the things I like to do because I get accused of all kinds of stuff. I am willing to leave my own house just to get away from them. I’m looking for examples of what I can do to end this! I’m not looking to “deal” with it or “cope” with it or to change him. I just need a way out, or I may come to the point where I would consider leaving this earth rather than deal with all of this… please help

  81. Dear jc,

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! It sounds like you’re living in a difficult marriage, but you want to make it work.

    Have you tried Christian marriage counseling?


  82. thanks for articles like this it makes me realize the things that i know but, is too numb to think about. it’s hard to love someone when they treat you so bad but, one thing i noticed now compared to my past relationship. 1. i am contented with being married no matter how bad he treats me and i don’t even know if the bad treatment should be overpowered with the good traits he has and half the time he treats me good. there are times when i just think about all the good things he did to me and it covers up the bad things he does or say. it’s extreme that he’s a good and a bad person at the same time. He needs counseling for his issues and addiction and at the same time he thrives to be closer to God. i could also say that we’re the same when it comes to trying to do something about our issues. the only difference is that he wants out (divorce) and i don’t. i want to stay in the marriage because we have two kids and it’s both our 2nd marriage. i don’t want to start with someone else again with a different baggage that i don’t know about and adjust and it’s just too hard with kids. it’s so discombobulating and has been a roller coaster ride emotion since we have been together physically. he never says i love you for 2 years now and never initiated intimacy but, responds when i start it out. there was even times he doesn’t want it and just rejects me. all he does is reject me and hurt my feelings but, seems like he doesn’t even know about it…like nothing happened but, if it’s me who says something bad or offensive to him, he’s on the rage…it’s really hard but, guess what? i even am planning to take him to the movies tomorrow and treat him to dinner not because he treats me bad but, because i love him and i wouldn’t want to be with someone else or don’t wanna do these things with someone else. nothing is enough for me to tell the whole story about me and my husbands difficult life together and we both know that we shouldn’t even be fighting when it’s not worth fighting for but, we do…arggghh. it’s hard, really hard but, GOD will make a way where there seems to be no way…

  83. Please help my husband didn’t even say happy birthday. He wont talk to me. How can I get him to talk to me before he leaves me? Difficult marriage.

    1. I lived common law with a guy for about a year and he is a drunk on weekends. He smokes drugs and lime on the whole weekend while He ensured I was at home 24 hours. It was just work and home. Wen I asked him to spend quality time on a weekend he would always be in the bar liming wit friends. Wen we moved in together I was told that his ex left him and went wit one of his brothers. He started to accuse me wit his brothers wen they spoke 2 words to me. He didn’t want me to talk to his family or friends. Wen I visited my family or spent time with them he called me whore. Some months after I got pregnant and wen he drank on weekends he would often tell me to have an abortion or the child is not his own and he is not the first to pay maintenance into court. Every weekend every holiday, wen we went on two months vacation together he was drinking and he was very verbally abusive to me. I’m five months pregnant and I moved back home a month ago thinking he would change but he hasn’t. I think I’ll move on have my baby and be happy.

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