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3 Ideas for Women Unhappily Married to Good Men

Everyone says how nice your husband is – and you agree! You’re married to a good man but you’re unhappy and unfulfilled. You don’t love your husband. You’re not happy, and haven’t been for awhile. The good news is that you have the power to make changes in your marriage that will lead to a happier, more fulfilling life.

Below are three ways to find happiness when you’re bored or unfulfilled in your marriage. I was inspired to write this by a reader, who said made the following comments about being not being happy even though she’s married to a good man..

“My husband is a good man, but I don’t love him and want out of my marriage,” says Donna on How to Live With a Husband You Wish You Never Married. “My relationship is safe and comfortable; he’s my best friend. But at what point is he supposed to move beyond my best friend and be my partner? I’m not sure we’ve ever had that connection that seems so vital to me. He disagrees. It would almost be easier if I had tangible reasons for wanting to leave (abuse, anger, neglect). All I have is saying that I’m just unhappy even though he’s a great guy. He doesn’t take care of himself like I wish he would, but he’s still a good husband. I feel like such a failure because I can’t just be happy with what I have.”

The biggest reason you’re not happy even though you’re married to a good husband is because no man can fill the hole in your soul.

We were created with a longing for something more than a man. Good husbands and great marriages are wonderful, but they don’t have the power to make us truly happy. We can only find happiness when we have a relationship with God or a Higher Power.

3 Ways to Find Happiness When You’re Married to a Good Man

There are no quick tips or easy answers to the “My husband is a good man but I don’t love him and am not happy” problem. It’s time to dig into your heart and soul, and find the answer you’re searching for.

These thoughts and questions will help you decide if you should try to be happy with your husband, or start thinking about how to recreate yourself after a divorce

1. Pull your focus away from your husband

my husband is a good man but I don't love him
You’re Married to a Good Man…So Why Aren’t You Happy?

If you’re married to a good man and you’re unhappy – or bored, unfulfilled, grumpy – the problem isn’t your husband. You already know that he’s not the reason you’re unhappy. You know your marriage is fine, if not the most exciting relationship on earth. You know there’s something more to life, but you can’t put your finger on it. So, you look to the most important person in your life for answers: your husband.

But even the best man in the world can’t make you happy, because happiness has to come from within you. Your unhappiness and boredom isn’t about your husband. It’s about you. Even if you decided to leave your husband and start your life over as a totally new woman in a completely different place, you’d find yourself unhappy and unfulfilled again.

2. Think back to when you were truly happy

When was the happiest time of your life? What were you doing, who were you with, where were you, and how were you participating in relationships, work, and life in general? When were you Blossoming into who you were created to be?

The second step to finding happiness when you’re married to a good guy is to be clear on what makes you happy. A great husband isn’t enough. A solid marriage isn’t enough. A good job, obedient kids, and financial stability isn’t enough to make you happy! This doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. On the contrary, it means you’re normal. God created you to connect with Him, to glorify and have a relationship with Jesus. You’re not happy because you’re not doing what you were created to do.

3. Experiment with different ways to blossom into who you were created to be

You don’t need to read articles about how to have a happy marriage (though they can’t hurt!). Rather, it might be better to learn how to be happy no matter what kind of man you’re married to.

Maybe your husband isn’t holding you back from the life you were meant to live. Maybe he’s not the one preventing you from being happy, or stopping you from exploring your passions or finding your life purpose. Maybe your husband is a good man and you love him, but not the way you expected. It might be time to learn why you’re unhappy in your relationship.

One of the biggest predictors of a happy marriage is how healthy each partner is, emotionally and spiritually. The healthier you are, the better your relationships are. If your husband is a good man and yet you’re not happy, then the answer is somewhere in you. It’ll take time and effort to dig it out and deal with it, but it’ll be worth it.

Your thoughts — big and little — are welcome below. You may find it helpful to share what you think and how you feel after reading this article. Often, we don’t know what we really think or feel until we start writing; hand writing with paper and pen is especially helpful in helping us sort through the tangled emotions and thoughts.

Is your relationship in trouble? Get 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage from relationship coach Mort Fertel. It's free and helpful, no strings attached.

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2 thoughts on “3 Ideas for Women Unhappily Married to Good Men”

  1. Dear Matt,

    It sounds like you feel helpless and frustrated because you’re doing almost everything you can to try to fix your marriage, and your wife isn’t meeting you halfway. Your suggestion to try counseling with your wife is what I would’ve suggested – it sounds like she is very unhappy and maybe even a bit depressed.

    I encourage you to talk to a counselor on your own, and get yourself as emotionally and spiritually healthy as possible. You can’t change your wife, but you can change yourself. If I were you, I’d stop trying to fix my marriage on my own, and start working on becoming healthy and happy as a man and father.

    I’m sorry I can’t give you more in-depth advice than this! I think you’re very smart and brave to ask for help – you’re doing a lot to save your marriage! You are one of those good men, aren’t you? :-) But even the best men can’t make their wives happy — only their wives can do that.

    What do you think about getting individual counseling on your own?

  2. Hi Laurie,
    I’m sorry to say that I’m the “great guy” in my marriage whose wife says
    “Your a great guy, supportive, loving, helpful, etc. I just feel misarable”.
    We’ve been married for 20 years this summer, have 2 kids (13, 17, girls)
    and I so badly want my marriage to work, not just for myself and my wife but my kids as well. My wife had a hard childhood. Her dad left when she was 10 and wasn’t involved in a good way until 8 years ago when his dad died and he told her he wanted to “make-up” for all the old wounds. Around the same time my wife went though depression. There were times she couldn’t get off the easy chair in our living room for days. She went to counciling and did the antidepressant thing and her therapist helped her decide she needed to go back to work. She had been a stay at home mom by her own choice for 12 years. She is a well paid professional in the medical field and was able to find a great, high paying job that she really likes right away. Almost as soon as she went back to work, she started spending more and more time there and with her “new friends” she works with. I have tried to be supportive and have left my job early to pick up the kids so she could stay late, go out with her friends, etc. At the same time she stopped having sex with me. We’ve been intimate maybe 5 times in the last 5 years and up until then had what she described as a great sex life. I’ve tried to find out what she wants or needs but she can’t tell me other then “not me”. Last week she told me that she is unhappy and that “part of me wants to stay and work things out, part of me doesn’t”. I asked her to read Mort Fertel’s book and do “Marriage Fittness” with me and she has read the first couple chapters but isn’t really committed. Our house has become quite messy due to her being unwilling to clean or cook dinner and she asked me to help get things more orginized and we have started that. The problem is she hasn’t changed any of her behaviors and comes home and just goes into a shell and finds ways to get me upset. Then she says something like “Well, that attitude just makes me want to read that book and work on things sooo much”! She only talks about her work and her friends from work and when I try to talk about anything else she withdraws and is uninterested. It’s been 8 years of her being withdrawn from me and 5+ without sex or affection. Now that I know she actually is at the point that she wants to end our marriage as much or more then save it, I’m having trouble being patient. She has totally ruled out going to councilling or therapy (it doesn’t work and is a waste of time and money) and while she agreed to “read” Mort’s book she hasn’t agreed to do anything and when I asked her what she thought of the part she has read she said “Well, I guess I can see what he’s talking about…” which isn’t making me think she will do anything but read the book. While for the last 15 + years I was the sole income earner, right now I’m not making any money due to the firm I was with closing after 9 years there. I’m working with a start-up and I hope that I’ll be making just as much or more then I had been and she does and we have savings so money isn’t yet a big problem but she is worried about it and I know she doesn’t like making the money. When I asked her what she needs she has said the biggest thing is she wants to move from our house to a better, bigger one so she probably feels that because I’m not yet making the money I had been that will be delayed but again, (It’s only been about 4 months since I lost my old job) she doesn’t have a reason to doubt I will be back to making good money again soon. I’m starting to feel “Why should I go into debt for 30 years with someone who isn’t going to even try to fix our marriage. There’s more of a chance that all that will happen is I’ll lose everything in a divorce”. I don’t know what to say when I’m told how wonderful I am and how it would be easier if I was an awful husband, father, etc. I feel so damn helpless and I know that sooner rather then later I’m going to hit a point where I can’t take it any more. I really am afraid that the woman who said before we got married “I don’t believe in divorce. When I get married it’s forever and will work to fix any problems to see to it”! is going to leave and destroy my family. I would appriciate any help you can give. Thank you.
    Matt W.

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