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Finding Happiness When You Live With a Critical Husband

How do you deal with a critical husband who is often negative and controlling? These five tips for women coping with criticism in their marriages will help you see that it’s not you — it’s him. If you’re living with an impossible-to-please man, you do not have to let his negativity change who you are and how you see yourself.

“If you’re among those criticized, you’re in good company,” writes Dianna Booher in Communicate With Confidence. “Heads of state receive criticism, even though a majority of voters consider them worthy of high office. Religious leaders receive criticism, even if they’re living on bread on water to feed the poor. Celebrity athletes get booed when they don’t live up to their previous feats and track records. Movie stars are forgotten if their latest performance flops at the box office.”

Getting criticized publicly is painful; living with a critical husband who treats you badly is a whole different level of grief. Your husband is supposed to love, honor, and cherish you! You married this man thinking he would love and support you…and all he does is pick on everything you do. He complains. He cuts you down. He destroys the joy and peace in your home. Maybe you even regret marrying your husband because of how bad the criticism is.


I hope I’m exaggerating, but I fear I’m not! Every day thousands of unhappy wives search the internet for tips on how do deal with a critical husband. So do men. If you’re a husband coping with a critical wife, you can apply these tips to your marriage, too. I’ve been getting comments from husbands who say, “Why is it always the husband who’s critical? Wives criticize their husbands, too!” That’s true, and I completely agree. In this article, I never say that wives aren’t critical or husbands are the only ones who criticize in marriage. But since my She Blossoms blogs are for women, I write for wives and girlfriends who want to have better relationships with their husbands and boyfriends.

Whether you’re dealing with a critical husband or wife, these tips will help you see you’re not alone. Also, read through the comments section below – that may be more helpful than my tips on how to deal with criticism in marriage. The worst type of criticism comes from someone you love – and who is supposed to love you unconditionally. I don’t mind being criticized by my boss, readers, or even my neighbors…but when my husband criticizes me, it really hurts. My first tip on coping with critical husbands is to learn how to cope critical, controlling people. I share books and resources at the end of this article.

5 Tips for Dealing With a Critical Husband

Blossom Tips for Dealing With a Critical Husband
How to Deal With a Critical Husband

When you’re reading these tips, remember that your husband may not intentionally criticize you, but you hear criticism in everything he says. Sometimes that happens with me and my husband: I’ll say something I think is innocent about, say, what parking space to park the car in. Sometimes he hears it as a personal criticism, and suddenly we’re having a big fight.

Are you super-sensitive to your husband’s criticism? Are you hearing criticisms that don’t exist? I’m not defending your husband or saying this is what’s happening in your marriage – I’m just encouraging you to try to look at your relationship objectively.

1. Ask yourself if his criticism is intended to be constructive or destructive

“You can often tell whether a person intends to destroy you with a comment or intends to just bring about some change,” writes Booher in Communicate With Confidence. “Pay attention to the person’s word choice, emotion, and body language.”

Does your husband call you names (eg, “you’re lazy”) or comment on your behaviour (eg, “when you lie around all day and don’t help around the house, I feel frustrated”)? Does he have specific changes he’d like you to make, or does he just generally criticize everything you do? Is the subject of the criticism something you can change? Is your husband criticizing you in an attempt to control you or to make you feel guilty?

It can be difficult to take a step back and assess your husband’s criticisms objectively, but it can make a big difference in how you deal with him. If you’re in an abusive marriage, you need to accept that you can’t change your husband. He’s not “just” critical, he’s unhealthy. You might need to change your mindset from dealing with criticism to learning how to live with a husband you wish you never married.

2. Refuse to let your husband’s criticism change how you see yourself

In her book, Booher says there are several surefire ways to set yourself up to be criticized: be unprepared, be poorly organized, put other people down, fail to do what you promise, ignore the rights of others, always demand your own way, being confrontational in tone or mannerisms, do sloppy work, disregard what is going on around you, and disregard the social norms of your environment.

Regardless of the reasons your husband criticizes you, it’s crucial that you don’t take his assessments as valid indications of your self-worth. In other words, don’t “internalize” your husband’s criticisms. If you let his words and opinions change how you see yourself, then you’ll start to believe what he says. And you know your husband’s words are critical, demeaning and untrue – otherwise you wouldn’t be here!

3. Avoid the urge to counterattack with criticisms of your own

If your husband makes critical remarks about your appearance, words, friends or family don’t counterattack by criticizing him. Don’t fall into the trap of meeting him at a low level of ugliness or even hatred. There are other, healthier ways to deal with a critical husband – such as learning how to love yourself when you don’t feel good enough.


Counterattack comes naturally when we’re criticized, especially when we’re personally wounded by someone we love. But instead of defensively attacking your husband, find ways to get spiritually, emotionally, physically and socially healthy. Learn how to deal with your husband’s criticisms by getting healthier, stronger, and more resilient.

If you find yourself being critical, read How to Stop Criticizing Your Husband.

4. Take a deep breath before responding to your husband’s criticism

If your husband is criticizing you at a family gathering or in public where others can see and hear, consider letting his remarks pass. Confronting him is healthy and important – but it has to be in the right place at the right time. If your husband criticized you in front of friends or family you trust, consider asking them what they thought of your husband’s remarks. Is it possible that your husband is less critical than you think, or that you’re overly sensitive? I know I am! I often take offense and think my husband is criticizing me when he’s actually just making an offhand remark.

If you believe your husband criticized you in public, deal with it later. When you’re alone, you might say something like, “When you criticized me in front of your parents, I felt embarrassed and hurt. Next time, could you bring it up with me alone so we can talk about it?”

5. Ask your husband what he would do differently

This isn’t a good tip on how to deal with a critical husband in an unhealthy or abusive marriage. But if you and he are newly married, it’s possible that you’re still learning how each other lives and operates. I wrote The Best Advice I Ever Got: Start as You Mean to Go to encourage women to begin their relationships the way they intend on living them. For example, if you put up with criticism at the beginning of your marriage, it’ll be difficult to change your husband’s behavior later.

Sometimes I deal with criticism by asking my husband how he would do it differently. Often I invite him to do the thing himself – especially if he wants the thing done in a specific way! I might also tell him that I’m well aware that he wouldn’t do it the way I do, and that I’m okay with that.

As you can see, there are no quick fixes or one-size-fits-all tips on how to deal with a critical husband! Part of learning how to be married is figuring out the best way to communicate and live well with your life partner. If he’s unreasonably demanding, unhealthily critical, demanding or even abusive, you need to take steps to protect yourself. Take good care of yourself and your family, for you are a beloved child of God. You were created lovingly and deliberately, and you do not deserve to live with a husband who criticizes you.

If you’re in an abusive marriage, read How to Leave Your Husband When You Have No Money.

Dealing With a Critical Husband

How to Cope With a Husband Who Criticizes You

Learn how to cope with verbally abusive marriages. Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond by Patricia Evans. Learn why verbal abuse is more widespread in marriage than ever, and how you can deal with an overly critical husband. You’ll get more of the answers you need to recognize abuse when it happens, respond to abusers safely and appropriately, and most important, lead a happier, healthier life..

Consider taking a marriage course. My husband and I are taking a marriage course, and it’s changing how we communicate. If your husband is willing to work on your relationship, I encourage you to seek outside help together..

Learn how to deal with impossible-to-please, controlling people – not just critical husbands. Read Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans. A single article will never teach you all you need to know about how to cope with a critical husband. It’s important to learn how to be assertive and stand up for yourself – especially if your husband is controlling or abusive.

For more tips on dealing with a critical husband, read When You’re Stuck in an Unhappy Marriage.


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65 thoughts on “Finding Happiness When You Live With a Critical Husband”

  1. I will love to share my testimony to all the people in the forum cos I never thought i will have my girlfriend back and she means so much to me. The girl I want to get marry to left me few weeks to our wedding for another man. When I called her she never picked my calls, She blocked me on her facebook and changed her facebook status from engage to Single, when I went to her place of work she told her boss she never want to see me. I lost my job as a result of this cos I couldn’t get myself anymore, my life was upside down and everything did not go smooth with my life. I tried all i could do to have her back to all did not work out until i met a Man when i travel to East to execute some business that I have been developing some years back. I told him my problem and all i have passed through in getting her back and how i lost my job, he told me he gonna help me, I didn’t believe that in the first place. But she swore she will help me out and she told me the reason why my girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets’ was amazed when i heard that from her…she said she will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back, the following day and i called him when i got home and he said he’s busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells, she said am gonna see positive results in the next 14 days that is Thursday. My girlfriend called me at exactly 12:35pm on Thursday and apologies for all she had done. She said, she never knew what she was doing and her sudden behavior was not intentional and she promised not to do that again. it was like am dreaming when i heard that from her and when we ended the call, I called the Erica and told her my my girl friend called and she said I haven’t seen anything yet… she said i will also get my job back. And when its Sunday, they called me at my place of work that i should resume work on Monday and they gonna compensate me for the time limit I have spent at home without working…My life is back into shape have my girlfriend back and we are happily married now with a baby boy and I have my job back too. This lady is really powerful…if we have up to 20 people like her in the world, the world would have been a better place…she has also helped many of my friends to solve many problems and they are all happy now…Am posting this to the forum for anybody that is interested in meeting the lady for help. You can mail her to erika_raven_temple@ religious. com, I can’t give out her number cos she told me she don’t want to be disturbed by many people across the world…she said her email is okay and she also have a web site if you want to visit her there’ she will replied to any emails asap..Hope she helped u out too…good luck. Her web site is ericaraven. webs . com

  2. I never thought I’d say this but I’m not happy in my Christian marriage. My husband isn’t as critical. I am. I want him to be different, I want my life to be different. It started about 12 years ago, I started getting negative and critical about stuff in the world. Looking back I can see how it crept up on me and even though I’m a Christian woman I can’t help being irritated all the time. My husband gets the worst of it. He’s pretending to be happy in our marriage, I’m pretending to be happy in life but the truth is nobody is happy in our home.

  3. There is nothing good or easy about coping with a critical, demeaning, abusive husband! It’s a painful, difficult place to be — especially if you believe the Bible says infidelity is the only reason to leave a marriage. I grew up thinking the same thing, but I’ve learned more about Jesus and the love of God since then. I now believe that if a husband is not treating his wife with love, respect, compassion and kindness then it’s not a healthy marriage. And if it’s not a healthy marriage, then God does not require women or men to stay.

    God does hate divorce, yes. Divorce is painful and destructive. Divorce represents a broken relationship, a broken covenant — of course God hates that! Ideally, we’d live in a world with no divorce, no adultery, no critical husbands or confused sad wives. But we live in a broken world with wounded husbands and wives…and the Bible’s rule for 2,000 and 5,000 years ago are not God’s rules for today. Jesus would never command a wife to stay with a husband who is critical, demeaning, or abusive.

    If you’re a Christian woman married to an abusive or critical husband, talk to a Christian counselor. Learn more about Jesus Christ. Develop a personal relationship with Him. Read the Scriptures, learn what Moses and Jesus and Paul were talking about in the context of when it was written. Don’t fall for the “you have to stay married no matter how abusive your husband is because the Bible says so” trap. It’s not the truth.

    Most importantly, talk to God. Spend time alone with Jesus, ask the Holy Spirit for guidance and help. Believe that God loves you deeply and fully, and would never want you to live in pain with a critical man.

    With His love,
    Laurie

  4. I have been married for 31 painful years. I am scared to leave. He has never hit me but he has bruised my heart with insults & criticisms. He is controlling of my time & jealous if my friends. I feel nothing for him & cannot recall when I ever did. I feel myself getting more & more worn. I’m drinking more & this scares me. I think I do it because I feel anxious around him & scared of my anger towards him. The Bible says you can only leave because of infidelity. Sometimes I argue with God about this. I can’t live with my mom as she is abusive too – recovering alcoholic. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I feel so stuck. I think if I leave he’ll just starve me out. I’ve had a handful of friends see how he talks to me & express their concern. If it weren’t for them I’d think it was all me. Thanks I needed to vent

  5. I love how some of these articles issue a preparation to avoid someone’s BAD behavior. When you walk into a room and everything you do is analyzed and looked at for a possible fault, its not my job to figure him out, find compassion and take it everday. Its HIS job to get some counseling and look at his own patterns and how he continually tries to tear me down. I shouldn’t have to sit in the self help section or go to school and get my masters degree in psychology to accommodate a person who hates himself and makes sure his family pays for it. No where on the list is the option to simply leave. I am not saying to not try but sometimes people cant even see what they are doing and refuse to change. If someone is constantly belittling everything you do, tearing you down, and its not getting better its time to walk. Its not your JOB to be a therapist, to sit there and just say “yeah its all his stuff” or “its not his fault”, etc. Its your job to feel safe, loved, complimented for the good person you are and build a life with that.

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