It’s easy to get trapped in a downward spiral of obsession and doubt when your boyfriend stops sending text messages! You might even lose sleep over his lack of attention, and wonder if you did something wrong. These five tips will show you the best way to respond when your boyfriend stops texting.
First, a reassurance: do not worry that your boyfriend isn’t sending you as many text messages as he used to. Try not to obsess about him or your relationship. I know it’s easier said than done, but honestly there is nothing less attractive than a girlfriend who is freaked out because her boyfriend stopped sending text messages! Don’t fall into the trap of becoming a needy, emotionally suffocating “clingy girlfriend” who needs to get hourly or even daily texts from her boyfriend.
Second, know that you are not alone. It’s typical and expected for boyfriends to call or text a lot at the beginning of a relationship, and slowly send fewer and fewer messages. Most relationships start strong, with a big bang and lots of fireworks! Then they get normal. Couples are still in love, but not as attached and lovey-dovey as they were in the beginning. In marriage, this is called the “honeymoon period.” And it is perfectly normal.
What is not normal is obsessing and worrying that your boyfriend doesn’t love you anymore because he’s not sending as many text messages! That will drive you crazy, and make your boyfriend even less likely to text or message you. You’ll stress everyone out.
Want proof of how crazy-making it is to fixate the “why isn’t my boyfriend texting me?” thought? Here’s what one reader says:
“My boyfriend of less than a year recently stopped sending me text messages,” says Patty on 10 Things to Remember When You Miss Your Boyfriend. “I know he loves me and is busy with work stuff but I hate not hearing from him all day! It’s even worse when he doesn’t text for 2 or 3 days in a row. I know he’s still thinking about me but I sometimes I worry he’s losing interest or is emotionally unavailable. Then I remember that sending text messages isn’t the main sign my boyfriend loves me. I go around in circles in my mind!!!”
5 Things to Do When He Stops Sending Text Messages
Yes, it feels scary and when your boyfriend stops texting. You’re vulnerable, waiting to hear from him. It’s not just the text message…it’s his love and your whole relationship that’s in question. Sending text messages is a sign your boyfriend is thinking about you. When he stops texting, you wonder what’s going on with him.
I’ve been married for almost 14 years and I still don’t like it when my husband doesn’t send me a text message during the day! I’m not worried about our marriage or what he’s doing; a text is just a comforting sign that he’s out there. No matter how old the marriage or relationship is, it’s a drag when a husband or boyfriend isn’t texting messages anymore.
But it’s normal for relationships to lose the crazy sexy loving and passionate text messages! Life has to go one — and so does work, family responsibilities, health issues, goals, school and daily hassles. So, the good news is that it’s normal for a boyfriend to send fewer text messages and even call less often.
1. Talk to your boyfriend about texting
Is it reasonable to expect your boyfriend to send text messages or call every day? It depends on both of your lifestyles, future relationship plans, health, work situations, and stage of life. For instance, if your boyfriend is stressed and depressed because he lost his business and is searching for a job, perhaps it’s too much to expect him to be sending his girlfriend text messages. Maybe your boyfriend needs time and space to sort out his life, job, or family problems.
Even if your boyfriend isn’t dealing with a crisis, it still may be unreasonable to expect him to send you a text or two a day. It just depends on the type of guy he is — and on your and his relationship “agreement.” Do you want one text message a day from your boyfriend? If so, does he know this? You may need to be honest about your expectations. Your boyfriend can’t read your mind, and may not even realize he’s sending fewer text messages than before. Talk to him!
2. Be honest, but don’t try to force your boyfriend to send more texts
How do you feel about saying, “You’re not sending me as many text messages as you used to. What’s up with that, boyfriend?” Be honest about how you feel. Tell your boyfriend that you feel scared and rejected when he doesn’t call or text, because you’re worried he’s not interested anymore (if that’s how you feel).
But, don’t nag him. Tell your boyfriend once that you’ve noticed that he stopped sending text messages. Listen to his response and try to understand his perspective. Then, let it go. Try not to put constraints on your boyfriend or demand that he sends text messages at certain times of the day. Avoid falling into the trap of thinking your boyfriend “should” do this or “should do that. This will drive him away, and make you feel like you’re a crazy lunatic girlfriend.
3. Get busy with your own life!
Are you a happy woman? Do you love life? Are you enthusiastic about your day, your job, your life, your place in this world? THAT’S the best way to respond when your boyfriend isn’t sending as many text messages or calling you as much. Get busy making your life fun and interesting.
Don’t rely on your boyfriend to make you happy – and don’t fool yourself into thinking that text messages are the key to a fulfilling, deep, meaningful life. Figure out what your dreams and goals are. Make your relationship part of your life. Think of your boyfriend’s text messages as a happy aspect of a great day. Do not make your love relationship your whole entire life or reason for being. Your boyfriend can’t sustain that type of pressure; he’ll disappoint you in more ways than not sending as many text messages as you want.
4. Remember that happy women are very attractive girlfriends
If your life bores, frustrates, disappoints, or depresses you, then it’s time for a change. You need figure out what makes you happy, and start doing that. Your boyfriend is not your sole source of happiness – you need to create multiple levels of fulfillment. The best thing to do when your boyfriend sends fewer text messages is to create a life you love.
If you’re enjoying your life and experiences, then your boyfriend will naturally gravitate towards you. He’ll want to spend time with you because he won’t feel pressured to make you happy. Your boyfriend won’t feel like texting you is a chore, or that you’re demanding that he sends more text messages than he’d do on his own. If you’re happy and healthy, your boyfriend will WANT to message you.
5. Learn what a healthy relationship is
What if you’re searching for help because you don’t know what it means to have a healthy love relationship? Maybe you don’t need help figuring out what to do when your boyfriend stops sending text messages…maybe you need to learn what to expect from a mature, healthy dating relationship.
I don’t know you personally, but I do know that we all need to learn as much as we can about healthy relationships! Building a strong bond with a boyfriend or husband isn’t an overnight miracle — and it’s certainly about a lot more than sending text messages. Maybe it’s time to start learning what a healthy relationship is instead of focusing on how often your boyfriend texts you.
One Last Tip
Remember not sending text messages is NOT necessarily a sign your boyfriend has stopped loving you. Nor does it mean he wants to break up with you, or that he’s cheating on you.
If you’re worried about your boyfriend and suspect he’s texting less for a reason you’re worried about, read Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It by Leslie Becker-Phelps. Learn more about healthy relationships — and whether or not you’re anxiously overreacting to your boyfriend not texting as much as he used to. If possible, talk about what you’re learning with your boyfriend…but not in a text message! :-)
What do you think? Feel free to text — I mean write — your story below. You may find it helpful to get rid of all the junky and stressful thoughts swirling around your head, and purge them somewhere safe. Leave them here. You’re better off without them.
In peace and passion,
Is your relationship in trouble? Get free advice and a free marriage assessment from marriage coach Mort Fertel.