6 Ways to Deal With Your Girlfriend’s Weight Gain

Your girlfriend gained weight and you’re not attracted to her anymore. You love her, but things are changing. How do you deal with your feelings about your girlfriend’s body? You’re not attracted to women who are plump, overweight, or even obese. Worse, sometimes you feel disgusted or even repelled by your girlfriend’s weight. These tips are inspired by a guy whose friends tease him because of his “fat girlfriend.”

“My girlfriend is very interesting and funny, and I think I love her,” says Sam on 10 Conversation Starters to Help You Talk to Your Girlfriend. “My problem is that my girlfriend is overweight. I’m ashamed and embarrassed to say it, but I’m not as attracted to her as I was before. We have been dating for almost three years, and things are starting to become more serious. She was always slightly overweight, which I never had a problem with, but recently she has began to gain more weight. I can tell. Plus, all of her immediate family is extremely overweight and I fear that she may soon be obese as well. My friends already tease me about having a ‘fat girlfriend’ and I’m scared it will get worse. What can I do?”

You are not the only guy who dealing with weight issues in his relationship. Of course you aren’t alone; obesity is at epidemic levels in North America and other countries. That’s why so many magazines, advertisements, organizations and services are selling products to help women (and men) lose weight! Overweight girlfriends and wives – as well as boyfriends and husbands – aren’t just struggling with their weight, size, and shape. They’re dealing with body image issues, emotional health problems, and even spiritual struggles.

Here’s another guy with the same question:

“I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for about six months, and I am in love with her but starting to be not attracted to her,” says Fred on 7 Ways to Know if Your Relationship is Worth Fighting For. “Since we met, she has gained 25 pounds. I’m concerned about the long term effects of her weight gain. It’s not just that I don’t want a fat girlfriend, it’s that her appearance is decreasing her self image, her attitude, and our sex life. When I try to talk to her about her weight gain, no matter how kind and caring and sweet I am, she gets defensive. I am thinking about breaking up with her because our relationship is getting complicated. The other thing is that I often see her depressed because of her weight gain. Is there anything that I can do to help my girlfriend lose weight?

How to Deal With Your Feelings About Your Girlfriend’s Body

The most important thing you can do for your own personal growth is to talk to someone in person or online. This is the perfect time to figure out if you’re struggling with your girlfriend’s weight because of what other people think, or because you just can’t be intimate with an overweight woman. In other words, is this a character issue you need to deal with? If so, working through this until you get to the root of your feelings will grow you into a healthier, stronger, more compassionate man.

The healthiest, most loving and helpful thing you can do for your girlfriend is to find ways to support her journey to health and wellness. Why is she gaining weight? There is a reason. It may be emotional (mindless eating or comfort munching) or psychological (an eating disorder or food obsession). It may be spiritual (disconnection from God, or even an attack from the deceiver) or physical (a health problem with her thyroid or digestion).

1. Don’t be too hard on yourself

You may feel like a jerk (or worse) for not being attracted to your girlfriend. Maybe you feel shallow, critical, embarrassed or even ashamed to say “I love you but I’m not attracted to you anymore.” Maybe you even hate yourself because you know how easy it is for some women to gain weight, and how hard it is to lose it.

Maybe you know that your girlfriend has an eating disorder such as anorexia or bulimia. You know that overeating can be an emotional health issue, and you feel terrible for not loving your girlfriend the way you used to. And, you may be struggling with questions that are very difficult to answer.

3 common questions boyfriends ask about overweight girlfriends:

  1. Should I tell my girlfriend I’m not attracted to her because she gained weight?
  2. What do I say when my friends tease me and say I have a fat girlfriend?
  3. How do I deal with feeling disgusted and turned off by my girlfriend’s body?

These are good, important questions. There is nothing wrong with asking these and wrestling with your own doubts, anxieties, and feelings. In fact it is good that you’re asking these questions! You’re a sensitive boyfriend who doesn’t want to hurt his girlfriend. You’re actually thinking about how you feel. And you are also a normal guy with attractions and feelings that are affected by your girlfriend’s appearance.

2. Find your “best tips” for dealing with your girlfriend’s weight gain

How you deal with (and love!) an overweight girlfriend will be different than how Sam or Fred are dealing with their girlfriends. Some guys simply can’t love an obese women. On the other end of the scale, other men just aren’t attracted to thin, “scrawny looking” women. This is partly a natural tendency that you’re born with and partly the result of social conditioning and media bias towards thin women.

Consider your relationship and when you’re figuring out how to deal with your girlfriend’s body – especially if you’re living together with children. Your responsibilities and role is different if you and your girlfriend are parenting kids. If you’re in a committed or common law relationship with your girlfriend, you can’t just break up with her because you don’t find her body sexy anymore. If, on the other hand, you and your girlfriend live apart and have been dating a few months, you have more freedom.

3. Talk to someone who can handle your heart and soul

Who can you sit down with and really talk to? Now is the time to dig beneath the initial “I’m not attracted to my girlfriend because she gained weight” problem. This is a great opportunity to get to know yourself better! Work through those questions above. How do you want to deal with feeling disgusted and turned off by your girlfriend’s body? Are you ashamed of how she looks? Be honest with yourself. Find someone you can be honest with.

As a sensitive guy and a loving boyfriend, your goal is to build a healthier, stronger relationship with your girlfriend. Your feelings of attraction to her – and your level of physical intimacy – isn’t the number one priority in your relationship. Learn what it means to see your girlfriend as a whole woman, a partner who will stand by you no matter what, a best friend who you share life with. Your girlfriend’s size and shape is part of who she is; it’s not who she is as a woman. Instead of making your girlfriend’s weight gain the focus of your relationship, concentrate on building a great relationship with her.

6 Ways to Deal With Your Girlfriend's Weight Gain
My Girlfriend Gained Weight

4. Be gentle with your girlfriend

I’m a woman who has struggled food addiction and weight problems most of my life; my tips can only come from my own perspective. I know that a woman’s self-worth is often tied in with her size or shape. If you as her boyfriend (or husband) criticize or even just talk about your girlfriend’s weight gain, she may feel like you are attacking her.

Do you want to talk to your girlfriend about how her weight gain makes you feel? Here’s is some helpful advice from Psychology Today:

“Try to think about an area of your own life in which you are especially sensitive—maybe it’s education, money or relationships,” writes Jennifer Kromberg in How to Talk to a Loved One About Their Weight. “How would you want someone to approach you about a very sensitive and painful topic?  When you talk to your girlfriend [about food, exercise, or weight gain], offer lots of love and support. Speaking to girlfriend without true empathy and compassion for her struggle will only push her away.

If make your girlfriend feel ashamed or bad about gaining weight, it will backfire. Shame may make your girlfriend eat healthy or restrict what she eats in front of you, but it doesn’t create long-term change. If fact, shame can cause your girlfriend to gain more weight and feel worse about herself. Examples of shaming statements are “I’m not attracted to you because of your weight,” or, “You can’t even fit into your clothes; everyone calls you my fat girlfriend.”

5. Weigh your girlfriend as a whole woman – not a number on the scale

No matter how beautiful, slim, or smart your girlfriend is, you and she will go through rough times in your relationship. Sometimes you won’t be attracted to her – and it’s not because she’s too fat, too skinny, too this or that. All relationships are difficult, whether we’re fat or thin, tall or short, old or young. Every relationship goes through ups and downs regardless of how much each partner weighs. You can never be physically attracted to your girlfriend all the time, no matter how much she weighs or what she looks like.

Remember her most attractive qualities, which are more important than your girlfriend’s weight: her values, personality, how she treats others, who she is at heart, what she’s contributing to the world, and her connection with you. Your girlfriend’s size and shape isn’t as important as who she is on the inside. Her weight doesn’t change how you relate as a couple. If you love her thin, you’ll love her fat.

If your girlfriend has a sense of humor and wants to lose weight, read Did Your Vacation Make You Chubby? 13 Weight Loss Tips.

6. A practical tip for helping your girlfriend lose weight

If you want to help your girlfriend stop gaining weight, invite her to join you in something physical and fun. Get active together by swimming, dancing, hiking, biking, or skiing. My husband and I do fitness DVDs together, such as yoga and Pilates – and I love getting fitness-oriented gifts if they support the activities I love to do. Find ways to support the physical activities your girlfriend likes to do. Invite her to try new things with you. It’s a great way to spice up your relationship!

What sports or activities can you and your girlfriend do together? Instead of focusing on her weight gain, plan dates that involve hiking, skating, walking, playing sports or trying new physical activities. Don’t tell your girlfriend that you’re not attracted to her because she’s getting fat, or that you think she should lose weight. Instead, focus on health and wellness as a couple.

How you deal with your girlfriend’s size and shape depends on why she gained the weight and the reasons she keeps eating. It also depends on your own willingness and ability to be a boyfriend who loves her through thick and thin. If you think your girlfriend is overeating because of emotional problems, read Should You Tell Your Boyfriend About Your Eating Disorder? You’ll gain some insight into how food can become an unhealthy addiction or obsessive compulsion for some women.

What do you think? Feel free to share your comments below – whether they’re big and little, skinny or fat :-)


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47 thoughts on “6 Ways to Deal With Your Girlfriend’s Weight Gain”

  1. I lost a lot of weight after I got married. This is unusual because most married couples gain weight after the wedding, not lose it! My husband’s eating habits helped me slim down – and stay thin. He didn’t do or say anything to encourage me to lose weight. In fact, my husband didn’t think I needed to lose weight. I wasn’t overweight to him – but I felt fat to me.

    But somehow, just by being together, I adopted my husband’s healthy eating habits. I learned to stop eating when I was satisfied, and to see food as fuel. It really was love that helped me get healthy! My husband’s love, and God’s love.

    If you want to help your girlfriend lose weight and save your relationship, tell her that you love her just the way she is. Period. Tell her that you want her to have the happiest and healthiest life possible, and that your concern for her weight gain is coming from a place of love, not judgment. If you push your girlfriend to lose weight (or, worse, if you tell her you’re not attracted to her because she got fat), you will hurt her.

    Also, what makes you think your girlfriend is overweight? If you’re comparing her to the movie stars and singers you see on your iPhone, you are not basing your idea of a healthy woman on reality. Women are supposed to be curvy and round, shapely and soft. I don’t know what your girlfriend’s height and weight are, but I do know our culture makes us think that skinny is the only pretty.

    What is your relationship based on? Some boyfriends don’t care if their girlfriends are overweight, while other boyfriends prefer slim women. It’s the same with women with boyfriends who gain weight: some women want slim men, while others love their partners no matter how much they weigh. This is a personal choice – just like being attracted to someone who has a fair complexion or short legs. Of course, you don’t want to rule out possible girlfriends who have dark complexions or long legs…but you also need to be true to your preferences.

    If your girlfriend’s size and shape is directly affecting her health and your life together, you have a valid reason to worry about her weight gain. If you’re worried about her present and future health, then you really do have good reasons to consider her size and shape. In this case, I encourage you to talk to someone professional who can help you approach your girlfriend in a kind, loving way.

    As her boyfriend, it’s not your job to diagnose the reasons for your girlfriend’s weight gain, create a fat loss system, or plan a fitness routine to tone her up. It’s not your job to convince her to lose weight or even help her get healthy and happy. As your boyfriend, your role is to love and support her. Your job is to be her companion and friend as she grows into a healthier woman. This might involve exercising together, or going to couples counseling.

  2. Think twice about hanging out with people who call someone you love your “fat girlfriend.” It’s insulting and offensive, and your friends need to be more supportive and kind.

    It’s harder to stand up to your friends than your enemies but you need to stick up for your girlfriend. You love her, you enjoy talking to her, and you’re getting serious about your relationship. Do not let your friends run her down.

  3. Congratulations on actually attempting to lose weight.. you are better than most about this..
    But to answer your question… yes, attraction will be regained and maybe even more attraction from it all.
    Good luck!

  4. My boyfriend and I just passed our 9 year mark. I’ve steadily gained weight over the years and our sex life has wained in to in equal measure. I acknowledge that this is not fair to him. I’ve tried with various success (and failure) to lose the weight. I think I’ve now finally found the way to lose the weight. I’ve lost about 1/5 of my goal weight!

    So, here’s my question… is it possible to regain attraction once its lost?

  5. Confused and ashamed

    My girlfriend and I have been dating for two months we’re long distance and I love her to death, she’s so sweet and treats me right but she’s overweight. I feel like I’m being selfish because I cant seem to stop thinking about it. I’m not usually one for physical aesthetics but I’m ashamed to say when we facetime I sometimes dont feel as attracted to her as I am when we’re on the phone. I don’t know what to do she already knows she’s overweight and shames herself for it and I’m trying to be supportive I dont want to make her feel bad.

  6. Or you could just look at why you think someone who has gained weight is not attractive to you anymore.iving in a fat-phobic society that puts a lot of pressure on women to be thin is why most women feel like crap about themselves to begin with. If you don’t want to be with her b/c she has gained weight then break up with her an reallze that you only want to date thin women. Might as well give up having children b/c women’s bodies change immensely with childbirth and pregnancy and if you’re not supportive enoughnor too selfish to face those facts and un-brainwash yoursef from societa beauty standards, then keep chasing think girls only. Let her go and find someone else who values her more no matter what she looks like!

    1. This is such a cliché response to a real problem. A guy LOVES a girl; meets her, asks her out, dates her, becomes her boyfriend. She immediately gains 25 pounds. He presumably liked her looks when he pursued her. Now she looks like a different person. And he’s not dumped her, he’s looking for answers to deal with his ATTRACTION.
      And the biggest cliché of all–“women gain weight when they have babies”. She hasn’t had a baby. She isn’t pregnant and she’s not going to be with this guy. I don’t understand why this is such a sacred topic with women. I know it is hard to keep weight off–much harder for many people than others. It’s even harder to lose once it’s gained. But if someone shows you love and dedication why can’t an adult show enough respect for that other person to take care of their own body? No one is saying you have to be literally skinny; but no one “needs” to be 30-40 pounds overweight especially when they’re young. 25 pounds in 6 months is a legitimate medical problem and should be treated that way. Regardless of what anyone finds attractive if you gain that much weight that quickly you should go directly to a doctor. Everyone deserves love, and many many people have no problem with a fat partner. Some even prefer it. But to do that to your body in a new relationship is super rude, and honestly sad and unhealthy.

      1. I love when readers point out the flaws and weaknesses of my work – thank you, talbot! You made some great points, and I appreciate them all. I revised and updated this article.

  7. Deborah and Andy, I can see both of your points. Andy, I can definitely relate and I think you hit the nail on the head. Outside of a real physical issue or certain limitations, weight gain is usually more mental and emotional than anything else. My girlfriend has to love herself enough to put forth what it takes to stay healthy and look good for herself and others. She wants to lose the weight badly, but it is very difficult when she doesn’t have the attitude and self esteem to do what it takes. And you are right, it is difficult for her to love me when she lacks love for herself. However, I also really love her and think she is really beautiful. If she lost the weight, she could easily be a model. I want her to get better for me and for us and for her. If I broke up with her, I would still be concerned for her and because we are broken up I wouldn’t be able to help her. She likely wouldn’t even talk to me. For you and me Andy, the last thing we would ever want is for a girl to lie to us about their attraction to us. And we want to know how to better ourselves for them. If a girl told me I needed to work out more and she would be more attracted to me if I did, or I should part my hair a certain way or wear a certain suit, I would do it all and be all over that and very appreciative. If she instructed me on how to do these things, I would love that even more. It seems like you would too. But I think a lot of girls operate differently. And to Deborah’s point, my girlfriend needs to find that self esteem and start loving herself before she can lose weight. She is very hard on herself and needs to feel good enough about herself first before working out – which is perhaps where the compliments come into play. For you and me, Andy, I we need the exact opposite to motivate us. We need someone telling us we are no good, so we can prove them wrong. And we thrive on competition. My girlfriend is the opposite. It’s tough because if we could swap bodies, I feel like I could lose her weight in 6 months or less. I know what it takes and I know she is very very very capable of doing it. She just needs a different attitude and love for herself. I really want to help her find it. Perhaps the best thing now is to start small and give her some small successes to motivate her. I think a lot of this article is crap and I don’t agree with everything I have seen so far from anybody, but I really appreciate all the help I can get and any advice. I want a girlfriend with a can do attitude and fortitude to lose the weight, I want a healthy girlfriend I am crazy attracted to, and I want a girlfriend with a greater self esteem and love and respect for herself and others and she wants all that too. I know we both have it in ourselves to overcome this, we just have to figure it out …

  8. My impression is that Tim had already had that conversation with his girlfriend more than once. It hasn’t worked. Tim says he is not going to leave her regardless if she does or does not lose weight. Just thought he might want to use a more positive tact to “help” her come to the decision to lose weight herself. I didn’t tell him to change just try something else for a few months. Obviously, if your discussions with your girlfriend just leave her curled up in ball crying, they aren’t working either. Tim has said he wants to stay with his girlfriend. You say you are very frustrated with your girlfriend because she doesn’t control her weight out of consideration for your feelings. You sound resentful. I don’t blame you, the weight gain isn’t what you bargained for. I am not telling you just to love your girlfriend for who she is, but if you can’t, you are right, do yourself and her a favor and break up. Ultimately, you’ll both be happier.

  9. When I started dating my girlfriend 2 years ago, she was slightly overweight. It bothered me a little but I was very attracted to her inside and out. Since then, she has gained about 60 lbs. It has reached the point where my attraction for her is almost not physical at all. It is just like having a friend to hang out with now. I tried everything – ignoring it, being honest, being supportive and loving, making healthy food for her and working out with her and just being beside her instead of telling her what to do. I tried one or two times to tell her how to lose weight, which was a huge mistake. I thought that maybe I would be more attracted to her if I gained weight too, so I gained 30 lbs (the healthy way, mostly muscle). She still weighs much more than me and I still don’t have the physical attraction. Let me say that this is the first time I’ve been able to gain weight after trying for 15 years. It was no drop in the bucket for me. Through all this, she continued to gain weight and become more insecure. I still try to do fun exercise activities together, but I know that exercising here and there isn’t going to change anything and it doesn’t. It is just fun. She lacks the confidence to seriously stay consistent with eating healthy and exercise and has developed a “I can’t do that” attitude, even though I continually tell her that she can and she has it inside her if that’s what she wants to do. She cries to me all the time about how she wants to change and I tell her that she has it inside of her and she can do it. But she refuses to believe in herself. Now, I am beginning to be even less attracted to her because of her attitude. She thinks of herself as a failure but has also started accepting more of a fat acceptance culture. Meanwhile she has become more attracted to me and very sexually needy. Sometimes I just suck it up even though I don’t feel it, which makes me feel terrible and used. Sometimes I refuse to be physically intimate, which hurts her incredibly. If I am honest and tell her why, it hurts her so much more. If she asks and I avoid the conversation, she still gets hurt. I want to clarify, my attraction is not about stature or what other people think, it is about my physical attraction. You can’t force a gay person to be straight and, however much I try, I seemingly can’t force myself to be attracted to very overweight women, especially much larger than me. However, I really love her. I can’t and I won’t break up with her. But I also can’t give her physical intimacy. And, like anyone, I crave physical intimacy too. I would really like help. I really want this relationship to work. Despite the lack of physical intimacy, I really love her.

    1. Tim, you sound like a great boyfriend. As a sometimes “fat girl” I can tell you that too much discussion about her weight only feeds her anxiety and then she feeds herself. A vicious circle. I fought my weight my entire adult life and, fortunately, had a husband who was like you. He loved me no matter what. I knew he would probably be happier if I was thin, but he never said a negative word. Only told me I was beautiful. I went up and down, I would be at a normal weight for years, and then gain and be fat for a while, and then back down again. The one thing I know for sure is that the weight battle is more psychological than anything else. I could only lose and maintain my weight loss when I was in the right frame of mind. I don’t think a lot of commentary concerning weight, even supportive commentary, will help her. I would suggest just not making weight a part of the conversation for a while. If she wears an outfit that is particularly flattering tell her how pretty she looks. Plan a special event or trip a few months down the road. It may inspire her. Compliment her and tell her how sexy she looks..even if you have to tell a white lie. Even if she hasn’t lost any weight tell her she’s looking thinner and how it turns you on. She’ll want to hear more. Nothing that even comes close to criticism. You might be surprised. I know for myself, compliments never made me feel complacent, it made me want to look good for my husband and for him to be proud to have me on his arm. You say you are in it for the long haul, so why not try it for a few months and see what happens. My sweet husband and I were very happy for 40 years through “thick and thin”.

      1. We are planning a camping trip, which she is really excited about. We just got back from the Caribbean, which did not go that great. Because we had a lot of alone time, she wanted to be physically intimate. When I didn’t want to, it really hurt her and our relationship and she became very upset with me. I’m afraid the same thing might happen on the camping trip? Any advice?

    2. Tim I know exactly how you feel. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 years now. Just like you described in your story, my girlfriend also not only has put on weight over that time, but started to embrace that it is always going to be this way. Being able to discuss her weight constructively is no easy task. I’m assuming your girl is a lot like mine where instead of taking what you’re saying and showing accountability and gaining motivation, they would rather curl up in a ball crying and wish pity upon themselves.
      It’s not my intention to completely dismiss Deborah’s advice on this thread, but it leaves me with a feeling of frustration. Having to navigate your partners insecurities and anxieties is important, but nothing will come of nothing mentioned. Accountability is so important and on so many of these threads online where men are asking for help on these issues they almost universally get told the same thing: You sound like a great boyfriend, Love her for who she is, not how she looks – compliment her when she looks good etc. etc. My main problem with this advice is that they are not considering YOU. They are not taking into account the (correct) steps you’ve already taken and they are not hearing you when you say that you have no attraction left! After all, it is YOU who is here online seeking advice. Yet somehow the person who needs to change more is YOU!!!
      Accountability = if your girl has gone to the next level of weight gain whereby she acknowledges it but does nothing about it except justify it then she is basically saying that she doesn’t really care about herself, yourself or your thoughts on the matter. Unfortunately son there is only 1 way to change someone that entrenched in fat acceptance behaviour and that is to say that you are leaving her. I don’t mean to say it but not mean it simply to scare her into action. You have to mean it. You have to look within through all the nice guy stuff you’ve been doing for her lately and remind yourself that as great as she is and as much as you love her, you are not on this planet just to keep her satisfied. Is it fair that she can eat poorly, take little to no care of herself and get laid whenever she wants by someone she finds much more attractive than they find her? Do you honestly think there are a multitude of women out there who show the same level of tolerance for their guys, or get given advice to keep going along with that and don’t mention anything sensitive? You also said that sometimes you don’t even want sex with her but you do it anyway. Just imagine for a minute a group of girls discussing their boyfriends and one of the girls said she does that for her man simply because she doesn’t want to upset him. These things do happen whether the guy is just an twot, due to religious customs or cultural norms etc. but we all accept that it is a f****d up situation regardless!
      Do not subscribe to this ignorance of physical attraction rubbish; pretending that everything is fine and never mentioning the faults. It’s utterly ridiculous. Women are born to seek fitter, healthier mates to reproduce with and we accept that as a society. As a man apparently having similar thoughts is shallow and you need to show some understanding. Please, it’s the persons responsibility in order to have a healthier relationship to mention it. It’s also the responsibility of the person putting on weight to change their lifestyle and diet in order to keep themselves healthy and their relationship healthy. However, they can only know to do that if they understand it’s importance. Many young women are brought up these days without having their adolescence kept in check. Women in their 20s and 30s who still have temper tantrums and continually enable their poor choices … like a child. Like the reaction I described in the first paragraph…
      So there it is mate. If she really loves you like you love her, you can explain to her that she’s harming not only herself but you and the relationship with her weight problem and hopefully she will make an effort. You do all these things and show all this understanding and finesse to help her through it but at the moment it gets you no-where. Explain that she will have more energy, will have more self-esteem, will battle adversity better, will live longer, have less injuries, less headaches and less grouchiness and to top it all off she’ll be fit as f**k and getting your blood going again. The funny thing about all this is how simple her task really is. It already sounds like you know a thing or two about fitness and exercise but seriously: Cut the sugar, start running, no excuses. That’s literally all it takes from her. Best of luck mate I hope it works out for both of you and you both enjoy a happy and fulfilling relationship together.

  10. Unless the boyfriend is forcefeeding her like Kevin Spacey did that guy in Seven, then he isn’t to blame. Saying the guy needs to change what he’s attracted to is garbage. One could even say that it is selfish for one to expect the person they are with to be ok with them getting fat.

  11. I’m in this very situation. My girlfriend drinks beer and eats as much, or more, than I do. I’m probably 5 inches taller than her. She has probably gone up 7 sizes since we started dating. I love her, but I’m just not attracted to her body at all. I haven’t said this to her, but we have had our sex life completely go away. It sucks. I don’t feel like I should have to find a way to be attracted to her. I can’t. It’s just my preference. It’s stressing me out and I see no attempt on her part to lose the fat. I want to encourage her to be healthy, but it’s a tough one to approach. I’ll forever love her, but I can’t fake attraction.

  12. That’s a great observation, Jen! If a girlfriend starts gaining weight after starting a relationship, is it because of the stress or pressure of the relationship? Or, is it because she is letting her guard down now that she’s involved with a boyfriend she loves? It could even be that she’s on birth control pills now, and those can cause weight gain.

    There’s no “one size fits all” answer, that’s for sure.

  13. Jen at raisefrequency

    Wow, what a controversial subject. Why a girl or o boy for that matter would start gaining weight when they get into a relationship? Is the relationship causing stress and therefore weight gain?
    What about the reverse case, what if the man starts gaining weight?
    In any case, love, kindness, understanding, supporting each other is the way to go in a relationship

  14. Unbelievable. The whole article on what to do when your girlfriend gains weight consisted of 1 tip, the rest are shaming the guy into questioning himself and accepting the girl for who she is. Attraction is a huge part of a relationship. Weight gain is the result of lack of self-care and self respect and poor life choices. It affects both party and the man has the right to speak out without being looked upon as a shallow person. This is the same as if a guy neglecting his responsibility and spends his days slouching on the couch, not going to work. A woman gaining weight is ignoring the responsibility to her own health and the relationship, and the shaming done in the same manner of this article is why we are the fattest nation on earth.

    1. You know, maybe it is the man himself who is making her fat! There are men out there who will deliberately encourage their significant other to eat or sabotage their diet because they are afraid they will be attractive to other men. Some want to use weight to undermine their S.O.’s confidence to keep them under their thumb, they complain about the weight, but secretly don’t want them to lose it. If they lose the weight, the guy loss control. Then there are those that are just fat and happy. They are out there experiencing life together, including good food, having fun and they gain weight. If the guy doesn’t like it, then he will need to adjust his lifestyle too. I get so sick of this subject. It always seems to be the guy with the beer gut who complains the loudest.

    2. You’re right, women need to stay on top of themselves and not gain weight if they want to feel attractive. There’s nothing worse than a guy telling his girl “no of course you’re fine , you’re way beautiful regardless of how much you weigh” when he doesn’t really believe that. It’s sad.

  15. Amber, thank you for your thoughts on boyfriends who aren’t attracted to girlfriends who gained weight! I’m glad you’re getting fit again, and that you’re doing it for YOUR sake. Good for you.

    I like your idea that if your boyfriend or husband isn’t attracted to you any longer, maybe he should step up his game and eat health with you, exercise, etc. Great idea!

    1. Right. Because men are somehow responsible for a girlfriend’s poor diet, weight gain, and lack of exercise. I’m sorry your having relationship problems because of your appearance, but can’t you just lose the weight you gained? You’d be a happier girlfriend, and your boyfriend would be happier too.

      1. And men can’t alter their habits in any way to support their girlfriend?
        Your response sounds a little smug. I hope you or your significant other always remain at your most attractive.

      2. More specifically, men are more physically attracted, and women tend to lean towards emotional attractions. Like I said, be self aware, and approach with love.

  16. I have never been thin, but when I met my boyfriend in 2008, I was very close to my ideal weight. He introduced himself to me based on what he saw (he actually told me that). I maintained that same weight for the next five years, but two years ago, I started gaining. I am now 20 pounds heavier than I was when we met (and was just diagnosed with hypothyroidism, so I believe that to be why I inexplicably gained weight, despite healthy eating and exercise). My boyfriend is thin (as is his entire family). He says he loves me the same and that if I want to lose weight, I need to do it for myself, not for him; however, I KNOW my weight bothers him. He’s not proud to be seen with me anymore, no matter what he says. I can just tell he isn’t attracted the way he used to be, and I don’t blame him. I feel like I owe it to him to lose the weight I gained, because he is very fit and handsome and deserves for me to look my best. It’s hard with the hypo, but I am trying very hard, because he did not fall in love with a fat girl. He may be shallow, and maybe I am too for feeling like he deserves to feel proud of his lady.

  17. I recently had my boyfriend tell me he was not attracted to me any longer. Long story short, I am young, I was in the best shape of my life, I had a major knee surgery, I was not able to work out any longer for quite some time. I probably gained 20 lbs in a years time. I am now back on getting fit again, for myself of course, but in the back of my mind I wonder if when I get old, my now bf will not be attracted to me in the future. We are only young and pretty for so long. I think that if you partner is not attracted to you any longer, they should step up their game a little as well. Like eating healthy with you ect. But the question will remain, will he love me when I am no longer young and pretty, or will he throw me to the curb, when I am old and tired.

  18. i am a non english white man in my mid 30s, and im telling you i am not interested in intimate stuff with my girlfriend because she gained weight. Maybe i am a bad boyfriend but my girlfriend gained 35 kg plus ( 80 pounds). i am quite normal looking guy, i find her unattractive and little bit disgusting, the worst thing is she doesn’t want to change anything in her life or lose weight.

    you can call me rude or whatever you want, but i am one of those boyfriends who is not attracted to his fat girlfriend….i am not a perfect man, but i need a girl who finds a health and healthy lifestyle important like i do.

  19. you should love that girl for who she is and what she has in her heart and the person she is. looks mean nothing its what she has inside that counts. so what if your girlfriend gains weight? she is still the same girl. as far as being intimate with her, my girlfriend is a bbw girl i love being with her because i love her for who she is

  20. what if you love her but you are not sexualy attracted to her anymore because of the weight and she does not have time to do activities with you. its sad coz i have to make silly excuses just to not have sex with her, when we do have sex eventualy i have to think of someone or some porn movie for me to cum … i feel like its not right, am not happy anymore and now the love is starting to fade but i care for her, she’s is a great person and i know i will never find someone who loves me the way she does but sometimes i feel like i rather have someone who doesnt love me as long as they are sexy maybe this love thing wasnt meant for me i should just become a womaniser coz i do love sex but am not enjoying this one

  21. Dear in need of practical advice,

    I do not think you can do anything to stop your girlfriend from gaining weight. Your comments about thin girls, your neurolinguistic programming, your thoughts about rewarding her like she is a dog will never work.

    How about talking to her about why she is gaining weight? If you and she marry, you will have to talk about the most difficult subjects in the world….and now is as good a time as any to start.

    I believe people gain weight either because they are unhappy or because they have a health problem. It is either emotional or physical. What do you think is causing your girlfriend to eat more than she needs?

  22. In need of practical solution

    I love my girlfriend. We intend to marry in the next 2 years. FACT

    While the comments by ‘sick of hypocrisy’ are jokes I still need some practical steps / advice from you internet folks on how to stop her getting fatter. The only solution so far has been to dump your gf so she has to look in the mirror at a fat lonley singleton before actively changing her physique – I don’t want to dump my gf.

    What can I try at least – neuro-lynguistic-programming? Installing Reward mechanisms observed by Burrhus Frederic Skinner during his work in the 40s? Commenting on every thin female that appears on TV films and the media?

    Lads, Men, Males – practical advice please
    Females, Birds – stop getting lazy once you have entered a relationship.

  23. I admire boyfriends who are honest about the fact that their girlfriends gained weight, and they’re not attracted to them any more. It’s a tough situation – I know if my husband gained 50 pounds, I wouldn’t be as attracted to him! It’s just so unhealthy, to be overweight.

    Are guys shallow for not being attracted to girlfriends who gain weight? I’m not sure…

  24. I agree with the above comment. If someone is happy or content they dont gain weight suddenly.. something health wise maybe wrong or something is causing unhappiness inside. Maybe the guy is part of the problem….

  25. sick of hypocrisy

    Sick of mysogyny you are clueless. Women are just as superficial as men. Wont date a guy unless he is a certain height. Or has a full head of hair. Or a certain sized bank account. Etc etc. And many women are just as concerned about body type as men are. But I guess THAT is ok.

    You come across as a bitter fat chick. Instead of hating on men you should put the ice cream down and hit the gym. Men may give you the time of day.

  26. I am worried about my girlfriend loosing weight because I am not attracted to her as much anymore. I have no plans of wanting to break up or find someone else. I love her no matter what but that doesn’t mean I want to have sex with her still. I find myself making excuses when she wants to have sex instead of telling her why I really don’t want to for the fear of hurting her.

  27. These comments, and similar ones one the web, confirm to me that I live in a patriarchal society. All this talk of health and confidence is bull****. The guys do not care about the health and happiness of their wives and girlfriends, they care about how quickly and easily they are physically turned on sexually by them, like pavlov’s dogs. Women are just as turned on visually by images of sex — men are not special creatures who love porn more. They are just less sexually imaginative. Women are more capable of seeing their partner’s beauty and personality, and have these inform their sexual attraction to them. That is why women react with shock that men demand there wives lose weight, like they are being disrespected by their women for neglecting to recognize their manliness with sexy bodies. Women are shocked that men are so shallow – because they themselves are not.

    Talk of health and confidence is a ploy for the guy to successfully manipulate his wife/girlfriend into losing weight. Pretending it is about her, when really its a more subtle and strategic means of achieving his ends.

    I’ve got news for you guys. As women make more money and achieve more status in the workplace, studies have proven they choose more attractive mates. You and your balding, beer-bellied, back-haired bodies will be traded in for newer, younger models. I hope. Though it is a stretch for me to imagine women being this shallow.

    All of this confirms to me that marriage is for making babies. You best be damn sure as a woman you do not compromise too much of your career potential for some superficial sap whose limited sexual imagination taps out without the young nubile bodies he thinks he entitled to from his regular visits to porn sites.

    1. Read anything about the psychology of attraction, and you’ll see that men are extremely visual when it comes down to it. As men and women, we’re just not the same when it comes to how we are attracted to someone. Just need to be aware of these things, and be nice about our approach when it comes to dealing with situations that involve someone else’s self worth. I’m currently trying to be as patient and loving as I can possibly be right now with my girlfriend of 9 year who has put on significant weight. If I get frustrated, I have to remind myself that I love her, and she’s worth the trouble.

  28. I wish I wasn’t so visually attracted. When my gf gained weight, I lost my sex drive and most of my attraction toward her disappeared. I still love her and think that I always will. But, I think there’s more to a relationship than love. It’s also about finding someone that matches you and makes you feel good. I think it’s funny when people talk about unconditional love and expect you to magically neglect the rest. Maybe if a woman could understand, they’d put more effort into staying fit for there man. I ended up breaking up with my gf. There was no physical attraction and I couldn’t take it any more. A few months pasted. I saw her again. She looked completely different, in shape and very sexy. The chemistry was amazing! She finally realized how important staying fit meant to my programmed mind. I appreciate her willingness to take me back and the “understanding” that came with it.

  29. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hi Martin,

    One of the hardest things about relationships is accepting our partners for who they are! We can’t change the people we love, yet we want to see them grow and become better, healthier people.

    There’s a fine line between loving your girlfriend as she is, and wanting her to lose weight so she stays healthy and attractive. You can’t force her to see the importance of exercise and healthy eating, but you can create your own healthy, fit, active lifestyle. It may rub off on her, and help her set and achieve fitness goals. You could also invite her out for hikes and bike rides. Encourage her to take Zumba and other fun dance classes with friends.

    But ultimately, there’s not much you can do to stop your girlfriend from gaining weight — especially if she doesn’t think fitness or active living is important. Ultimately, you need to accept her for who she is. People do change, but only when they really want to.

    Take it one day at a time, and don’t worry too much about the future “what ifs” (What if she doesn’t lose weight? What if you’re not attracted to her if she keeps gaining weight?). Instead, focus on enjoying who she is today. And, stay active and healthy — it may encourage her to do the same!


  30. i want my girlfriend to lose weight because i feel if she keeps up her eating habits shell get heavier. i personally like slimmer girls but if she gains the weight i feel like i will lose my physical attraction to her. what can i do? i try to get her to exercise more to counter her eating habits but its not really a solution because she doesn’t feel its that important so she doesn’t do it enough.

  31. You can find why she is unhappy. No happy woman is gaining more than 10 lbs( maybe on vacation or when nesting and in love). Something is wrong.

  32. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thanks for your comment, Jane. There’s alot to be said for boyfriends who love their girlfriends no matter what — even after weight gain!

  33. Hi,

    I think if your girlfriend is gaining weight, you should love her no matter what. It’s mean to say she should lose weight! Let her be.