If Your Boyfriend Isn’t Motivated, Will He Drag You Down?

You love him, but your boyfriend has no goals, ambitions or even motivation for the future. You have your own career and life goals, but you’re wondering if your boyfriend’s lack of ambition and motivation might drag you down. His perspective is bound to affect your relationship eventually – as well your feelings for him. How do you love and respect a boyfriend who isn’t ambitious about work, school, or anything meaningful in life?

These tips are inspired by a reader who asked for relationship advice about her boyfriend. He isn’t ambitious or interested in a future, career, goals or even more than a part-time job. She wonders if her boyfriend’s lack of ambition and motivation will drag her down. She says:

“I am deeply in love and in a relationship with a man who is ten years older than me,” she says on How to Respond When Your Boyfriend Makes No Effort. “Despite the age difference, we have a great time and lots of fun. My biggest problem with him is that I’m in my 20′s and life is just starting for me, but he has NO goals, NO ambitions, and NO passion. I appreciate that he is a hard worker, but he is constantly stuck in dead end jobs at minimum wage. He also has a culinary degree, but chooses to work small construction jobs here and there to make ends meet. I don’t understand him! My boyfriend says he is past the age of dreaming and now he just wants to pay the bills.”

Maybe you see you and your boyfriend in her relationship. Maybe your boyfriend isn’t ambitious or motivated about life — much less his future — and you worry that he’ll drag you down. This reader also says:

“Finishing college and having a career along with a family is my number one priority and something I am working hard for,” she says. “Is my boyfriend’s lack of ambition for life going to drag me down? I understand paying the bills is important, but following your dreams with passion and living life fully is (I feel) is way more important.”

How Do You Love a Guy Who Has No Ambition or Motivation?

The most important thing to remember is that you can’t change your boyfriend. You can’t motivate him to get a better job or make more money or stop playing video games and start getting serious about life. You can’t create goals for him, or encourage him to be ambitious about his life or education.

There is only one thing you can do that might possibly motivate your boyfriend to grow or become more ambitious…and that one thing is to accept him exactly the way he is right now.

1. Examine your expectations of your boyfriend (and don’t expect him to change)

boyfriend isn't ambitious
How to Be With a Boyfriend Who Isn’t Ambitious or Motivated

The more you push your boyfriend toward what you think he should be doing with his life, the more stress you create in your relationship. It’s important to be honest, to tell your boyfriend that you’re uncomfortable with his lack of ambition and motivation. But it’s not productive or helpful to keep telling him that life is meant to be an adventure! You want to motivate your boyfriend, not alienate him.

Change is hard! Your boyfriend won’t suddenly become ambitious or motivated, no matter how much you talk, hope, or pray.

Think about it this way: What was the last thing you tried to change about yourself? I bet it wasn’t easy; personal change is rarely swift and simple. There are probably lots of things you want to change about yourself, but you can’t or won’t or don’t know how. Change takes time, effort, perseverence, and motivation. It also requires emotional, spiritual, and intellectual energy – and you have to really want to change.

If it’s that hard to change yourself when you’re motivated and want to change, think how hard it would be to change your unmotivated, unambitious boyfriend! Impossible. Maybe you’ll motivate him to get a job, but you won’t change the fundamental aspect of his personality or character that makes him lack ambition or motivation for future.

You can’t change your boyfriend. You have enough on your hands with your own life! You have your path, goals, plans, hopes and dreams. Focus your energy and attention on your own journey, and allow your boyfriend to walk his own path. Reflect and even pray about your future with him…is he the right partner for you, for a long-term commitment? If your boyfriend doesn’t have goals and you have exciting plans for your life, you may need to rethink your relationship.

Do you think your boyfriend is depressed? Read Is Your Boyfriend Depressed?

2. Be aware of how incompatible or opposite life goals affect relationships

One of the most important parts of a successful, healthy, happy long-term relationship is compatible life goals. You and you boyfriend need to be on the same page with regard to careers, kids, location, and plans for the future. If you have ambitious dreams and goals but your boyfriend just wants to live a quiet boring life, then yes, your boyfriend will drag you down.

And, you need to remember that your boyfriend’s values, opinions, and character traits will rub off on you. That’s why it’s incredibly important to know who you are and where you intend to go, and not let a relationship stop you from living life fully. Don’t let your boyfriend’s lack of ambition change the trajectory of your life! One day, you’ll regret it.

3. Ask yourself if this relationship is the best fit for you

unmotivated boyfriend no goals

I was once in love with a guy 11 years older than me, who had no ambition or motivation to do anything but work part-time with the post office. He said he wanted to be a writer, but he never moved ahead with it. My sister gave me bad relationship advice: she said to stay with that boyfriend even though he had no ambition at all. She said he was like a wall in a swimming pool and I was a swimmer; I could “push off” him to achieve my own goals and dreams. He could be my stabilizing force and I could be the star!

But it didn’t work out that way.

Fifteen years later, that boyfriend (who I broke up with shortly after my sister gave me that advice) is still doing nothing with his life. He is in the exact same position as he was back then – he hasn’t even taken a vacation outside his city. I’ve earned two undergraduate university degrees, lived in Africa for three years, started businesses, wrote ebooks, went back to university (I’m pursuing my Master of Social Work at UBC), and gotten married. And traveled, and bought and sold a couple of houses.

Is your relationship the best fit for you? f you’re thinking of breaking up with your boyfriend because he doesn’t have any goals and isn’t ambitious, read When to Give Up on a Relationship.

4. Decide that you will not absorb your boyfriend’s traits

You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with. If I stayed with my boyfriend who had vague dreams but no specific plans to achieve them, I believe I would’ve sunk low. I wouldn’t have achieved half the things I did – because we absorb the traits and values of the people we spend  the most time with.

Will your boyfriend will drag you down because he’s not ambitious, or will he be your strongest supporter? Many successful men are married to women who aren’t ambitious in their own right, and yet the men are wildly wealthy and powerful. Being attached to a partner who isn’t ambitious doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be held back…but your boyfriend’s lack of ambition will affect on you. What will that effect be? It depends on you and how determined you are to achieve your own goals and plans for your life.

If you don’t know what to do, read How to Make a Difficult Decision in Your Life.

5. Listen to that still small voice inside — your intuition

You need to listen to your inner voice. What is your gut telling you about your boyfriend’s lack of ambition? Put all thoughts of love and how much fun you have with him aside for a few minutes, and think objectively about your goals for your future. And remember that following your gut can be painful and difficult in the short term, but it’s better in the long run.

While you’re finishing college, start thinking about what you want to do with your life. You have decades to pay bills, have kids, get married, and settle into a boring routine job. Right now is the time to LIVE and follow your heart! Go have adventures – move overseas, meet interesting people, explore the world, challenge yourself, take risks. Live as though this is your last year on earth…because it could be.

How Do You Love a Boyfriend Who Isn’t Ambitious or Motivated
When Your Boyfriend Has No Ambition or Motivation in Life

If you’re finding yourself trying to manipulate or “trick” your boyfriend into setting goals or being more ambitious, read How to Stop Being a Controlling Girlfriend.

Be there for your boyfriend. Encourage and support him. But don’t let your boyfriend’s lack of motivation or ambition in life detract from your own passions, interests, and excitement for the future!

What do you think – can you have a good, healthy relationship with a boyfriend who isn’t ambitious and has no life goals or plans? Your thoughts are welcome below! If you haven’t written about your boyfriend’s lack of ambition or motivation before, I encourage you to write right now. Writing about your relationship will help you process your thoughts and emotions, and perhaps even help you decide what to do in your relationship.

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69 thoughts on “If Your Boyfriend Isn’t Motivated, Will He Drag You Down?”

  1. I understand this totally.

    What’s worse is it’s happened during lockdown. We started dating in January, and at that time I knew he didn’t have a great job but I assumed he had a career in mind. Hes 30 and I’m 24. I am studying full time at uni and have a part time job (wanting to go into teaching by the time 27/28) and spent my time between 19-23 travelling on my own and working all over the world as a watersports instructor before settling down.

    On the other hand, he has worked in the same shop for 10 years and does a bit of climbing instructing on the side. He hasn’t travelled or lived anywhere but home with his parents, he doesn’t even pay board. He cant even cook :(

    But I love him, he is caring, passionate and hands down one of the best men I’ve ever met. He worships me. I would never find anyone like him. He moved in with me during lockdown but then not long ago I said it’s time for him to move back with his parents now restrictions have caved a bit. The reason for this was because I couldn’t get my study done when he was around as I almost felt bad for not giving him attention. He would just sit reading/hanging around all day but even though we openly talked about this problem in our relationship he doesn’t seem to know what he wants to do yet or try research careers etc without a push from me.

    I just cant see any drive from him and it upsets him as well as me because he hasn’t been raised career-minded family like me and every time he applies to anything he gets rejected which knocks his confidence. He doesn’t seem to understand that to do the job he wants to do he would need to go back to college.. but then he doesn’t know how to apply. So I have to help him. And now I’m a 24 year old girl trying to help a 30 year old man into a career too, and I lose track of my own career insights! I know I cant change him and I’ve had that discussion with him but he refuses to accept us ever splitting up.

    It’s hard to explain. But now I’m sat here in tears wondering whether it was a good idea to send him home again instead of staying living together.

    Anyone give me any advice? :(

    1. Hi Anastasia, I totally understand you as I’m passing through a similar situation (my bf still leaving with me though).
      What I have been reflecting on is instead of blaming him for being dragging down (in terms of not being productive), I should work on being more strong and persistent in my targets and goals.
      Deep inside, I believe we are blaming them for our own weaknesses. I know it is harder to do our things when we have someone we love around. Of course, it always will be nicer to relax together than reading, writing, studying, focusing on something individually when the other person is just on the other side of the room, waiting to give you love, but we can’t put this on them. I have been doing that for some years now – trying to motivate and encourage him to do things, get a new job, study something and I realised that one of the reasons I’m doing it is actually because I want someone to push me as well.
      Maybe you were not ready to live with him yet, but sometimes the situation just comes and we have to adapt. In my opinion, when sending him back to his parents you are helping him to be back in the life you don’t agree with, just because you could not keep your focus on your own goals (and this is on you).
      Maybe you could establish a routine for yourself and try to be strict with it and make clear to him how this is important for you and how it is hard to keep going with him around. In this way, we also will feel that he needs to help you keep going on your targets.
      All the best of luck!

      1. I really needed this and you have helped me a lot.

        I was nearly ready to pop today! But I took a step back and assessed myself. This has clarified it and for that I thank you!

        I had put together a routine and was really sticking to it until recently where my feelings overwhelmed me. Going from living with him to not as struck me now but I know it’s the right thing to do whilst working on my studies and writing.

        Stay safe and well,

        A

  2. I am dating a guy who is 10 years older than me. I graduated from college in three years, just started an MBA program, and am finishing up a psy coach training, and teach english online. My boyfriend is 34, barely finished high school, and has worked as a waiter his whole life. Now he is laid off because of COVID. He is making twice what I am making in unemployment. He stays up all night, sleeps in late. He has starting playing online poker everyday and plays video games, sometimes for 8 hours a day. He is loving and kind and says I am the love of his life. But his lack of ambition is a huge turn off for me. I don’t know how to talk to him about it without ruining our connection.

    1. I feel you on this (read my post!)

      I wish there was an easy way out. It’s like an emotional rollercoaster. I wish I could just live in the moment with my boyfriend and enjoy our time now as he loves me dearly. But my gut keeps saying I may be wasting my time as that pure love may only last so long before careers and money get in the way.

  3. The guy im dating is younger then me hard working but cant see his goals no growing up i dont no what he does with money .he.will never treat you bad .the problem is he is dating other women that cant change his life. im buying cloth i give him money. im not doing this to get something in return i want him to have a better life but is like he is taking me for granted.i dont know if he loves me, but if decide to be on my own he keep on disturbing me but i ignore his calls. im tired of this hide and seek. what must i do? maybe i took a wrong step

  4. I too am going through the same thing. Have been dating my boyfriend for almost nine years and I’m that time I️ have gone to school started my career and now moving up in it, I’m almost 30 years old and always thought I’d be married and own a house by now. I’m in the position financially that I️ could buy a house. I thought I’d be at least engaged by know being with someone for almost 9 years but that too has never happened even though he’s taking me to see rings. I notice my partner lacks motivation, has put off going to school for years and also has been unemployed for a year. He started going back to school but now it feels like goals we both decided to do are on the back burner cause of him and my life is on hold too.

  5. same here. he is 20 I am 19 we are each others first love. fell in love when I was 16 so it’s 3 years now. but I am giving my all to pursue my career in music while he is still playing video games, scrolling on his phone and do nothing!! the most frustrating thing is that he is not completely lazy, sometimes, he seems like he knows what to do and he drags me to go for a run exercise with me, he cooks for me everyday (which is so good). but I just feel like we are in completely different world’s and levels. I don’t want to hurt or loose him because he is my best friend and a very kind human being. he is just not satisfying me spiritually and mentally, only my apatite! I feel really unsatisfied and im not even sure if I love him as a friend or lover now.
    this is my first love and im really struggling don’t know what to do. would love to hear suggestions from experienced people.

  6. My partner is 22 and has been on Centrelink for 4 years, can’t keep a job, has no idea what she wants to do with her life – I am worried she is going to drag me down. I’m a few years younger at 19 and have been employed since I was 15, and am currently studying for my dream job.
    I don’t know that our dreams are incompatible as much as my dreams of doing things like owning a house, or being able to support a kid might not happen if I stay with her. We’ve talked about it, and to her these goals are too far in the future to focus on or think about, but I think if you are focused on them that’s how they actually get achieved.
    Her lack of ambition, drive and goals can just really bum me out, and it’s getting to the point where even though I love her it’s not healthy for either of us.

  7. I’m in the exact same situation. My boyfriend is also 10 years older than me and very slow and unmotivated in every part of his life.
    We ve dated for a year and a half and I feel half my ambition has left me. I always had something pushing me to be the better than the person I was the day before. Now i just live every day as is. I still love him but I’m so embraced of myself
    Why are men like this?

  8. Hi all,

    So I’m in the opposite where I am dating a woman and am a man but regardless, the idea holds the same. I just really wanted to first thank you, Laurie for this golden advice it has been very beneficial. I think for me, i’m in a position where it’s like I don’t want to give up because there’s a lot of potential yet, looking at potential robs me of viewing that what I have is what I see. Ugh!! I think so much about self improvement and it’s so ingrained that getting someone who lives by the day and.. anyways, thanks and I hope all that is having issues with their SO works it out or finds the courage to leave.

    Blessings!
    Steph

  9. Hello ladies, I am really lost right now, i don’t know what to do. I am in love with this guy im dating for almost 2 years now. We’re thousands kilos apart, with inconvenient time gap too. He’s a very loving when we are together, full of affection and care. We have so much fun together, i think its the best bit of our relationship,we make eachother laugh all the time. But he’s awfully lack of ambition, curiosity and goal, he can’t control himself. Lately sleeps more than 12 hours a day, and when he’s up he plays games all night or watch netflix. He currently doesn’t have a job for few months, he had a normal job with minimum salary for few years, and he quit because he didn’t like the work hours (only 5 hours a day, but on weekends/holidays are the busiest) , next job he got it on silver platter cause of the connection of his parents, this time 3x his previous salary, but he quit after couple of months cause of the pressure ( he’s an introvert that hates conflicts and tend to walk away when things get difficult). He clearly mentioned that he wants an “easy life” , he doesn’t need to be rich, just enough to be free of stress. And I’m an ambitious person, i want to travel (therefore i want to get as much money as i can), i had a really good working experience on managerial level, and currently owning a business.

    One of the biggest problem is the distance between us, and we want to close the distance as soon as we can because now it is very hard in many aspects, the communication, the time gap, and its very expensive too, and we are better when we are next to eachother. In order to do this the logical thing is to get married so i can stay there without visa, we talked about this since the beginning. But he’s currrently just playing games allday, and doesnt make any move at all towards this goal in relationship, and goal for himself. His family is pressuring him to find a job, and mostly they treat him like he’s useless (they’re wrong but he’s also in a wrong to let them think that by sitting infront of PC playing games allday), now he mentioned that he’s been having anxiety attacks, cause of the pressure and he mentioned also im one of the thing that giving him pressure (about marriage and his life goal), I think im making him drift away, but at the same time im also drifting away because i feel like im doing the hard work by myself. I used up all my money to come to his country for few months, and also learned his language. All im asking is for him to show some effort to close up all this problems, but he’s too deep with feeling worthless, and dissapointment to himself. I feel like any move i make right now is just gonna make things fall apart. I did many things and give many advice because

    Currently i told him im giving him space, but this hurts so bad. I know that the logical thing to do is to accept that this relationship is not going anywhere, but I wish to salvage this relationship. Should i just accept and love him the way he is? or is there anything i can do to fix this?

    1. It’s become an epidemic in our culture where boys are not developing into men, remaining emotionally and mentally stunted. It’s because they’re being raised without a strong male father figure to teach them what it means, and how to be, a man. The only way you’ll ever be happy in this relationship is if you’re willing to consign yourself to the role of a mother because that is all you’ll ever be for him. I understand the easy, comfortable company he provides you. He lives in a world where easy and comfortable are his end-all, be-all, so it takes no effort on his part, while it soothes your very responsible and anxious nerves. But I guarantee you will end up resenting him for his lack of concern for anything but himself. The more you know him, the more you’ll dislike him and will regret every sacrifice and investment you made into him. He’ll take all you’re willing to give but will not give an inch in return—unless it’s “easy and comfortable.”

    2. This sounds exactly like my ex husband who I was with for almost 13 years.

      I went to marriage counseling with him and the therapist told me point blank he was a narcissist. He would get fired or quit jobs and slept all day and played video games. They don’t change. He’s not going to change. I’m sorry.

  10. Hi.
    My fiance is 30 and I am 27. We have been together for 7 years and have 2 kids together. Currently I am a stay at home mom and I can’t wait to get back into the working world. My problem is, my fiance does not have any ambition to do anything other than play games. I have tried making him see the benefits when it comes to setting goals etc but he is just not interested. He is a gamer and that is all he does when he is not working.it is all he talks about! I have tried talking to him about my goals for the future and the stuff I want to accomplish and he just tells me he doesn’t want to hear it. He wants to live in the now! He is a great father and is a great provider for our family. But I feel he is holding me back from achieving my goals and getting out there! We just dont have the same interests!

  11. This is great stuff i dont know how i got to this platform but ive just realised i need help .. I just started dated this guy we are 3 weeks in and he says he has no goals nor ambition he is just saving money to buy a car in the next few months and then thats it, he currently is taking care of his young brother who is 28yrs old and says thats his committment, All he keeps on saying is he needs “me im his only hope”..I am a vibrant and active business minded person will i survive this relationship . Please help

  12. Hi,
    So my situation seems quite similar to some other ladies on here. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 7 years and been living with him for about 5 years. I am 24 while my boyfriend is 25. My boyfriend is a SUPER GAMER ! Doesn’t want to leave the house, go to school or have motivation to do anything other than the game. He is a full time student that doesn’t go to his classes, works a part time job that he goes and gets off at 640-945 and literally will stay up all night maybe till 6am playing the game. So he basically leaves the house for about 4 to 5 hrs a day while I have to work all day! I sleep by myself and I work full time and want to do more in life but don’t have the time to do anything because I actually don’t have the time. We’ve broken up before and also moved separate because of the lack of motivation and not wanting more in life. We moved back in and made promises to do better and more but its just the same tbh but just better communication. I love this man and see all the potential and don’t want to lose a great person because of the negativity I keep pointing out. I know love is above all but what am I to do. If I fail we both fail. If I don’t get the money, we wont have the money. I cant teach or help someone who should want more in life for themselves. I’ve done multiple things to help with a positive attitude and he just seems like I’m nagging, pushing and forcing and honestly I’m wanting my time. I’ve worked fulltime for 5 years to put him through school which he hasn’t finished. Everything else in the relationship is fine. Sweetest guy, better communication etc. Its just the lack of growing up and becoming the man he should be. I know forcing someone to do something only makes them push away from it but when is enough, enough?

    1. His changing must come from him, not from you. You can’t be his motivation, you’ll only end up resenting each other. At a certain point, you have to accept that he is who he is, and you’re either okay with how he spends his time, or you’re not. There’s nothing inherently wrong with gaming, but you feeling like things are unequal is a problem.

      Are you paying for his school? If so, it is seriously messed up that he doesn’t go to class (like wtf?). Even if you’re not, if you’re paying the bills and he’s playing video games all night, that’s not what I’d call fair. Maybe he’s planning on supporting you when he graduates and gets a full-time job?

      In any case, you can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. And people say they want things all the time, but aren’t actually willing to put in the effort. Maybe he’s young and will grow up in time, but not because you nagged him to. And I wouldn’t recommend waiting for it.

      I’d talk to him about how you’re starting to resent the inequality, you have no free time and are stressed, and need his help. You could phrase it as, it would make you feel better if he went to class, and treated his education as more of a priority.

      Good luck!

    2. Cognitive dissonance is what one experiences when learning that how they viewed another was not how that person actually is. I could only realize who that person was by seeing him through his own value system, not mine. He turned out to be incredibly simple-minded as though he never developed. Developing and evolving has no value for him, his only value being to have an easy life with no responsibility, no decisions—really, no work of any kind. I had an intuition of him as an infant in his mother’s arms and of him thinking to himself that this was the ultimate life—to be carried around in life with someone else wiping his a$$. Who would have thought of him like that when he was such enjoyable, easy company! But the truth is that he will never develop any further. He wants a mother and that’s it. Unless you want an infant I would move on. You will never receive the emotional, intellectual and spiritual companionship from him that you need because frankly he doesn’t even know what those things mean. That’s the cognitive dissonance that I experienced!

    3. You have to trust your gut. If you feel it building up inside you and you can’t let it go until you have an argument and then nothing changes and it builds up inside you again you may need to let him go. I have ignored my gut so many times when I was in love with guys and every single time it ended up the same – I would just sabotage the relationship because I was too scared to break it off. We would end up fighting so much eventually they would break it off with me instead. It causes so much more pain than is necessary and you end up hating each other. My boyfriend and I just broke up a over his lack of ambition because we were going through toxic cycles of breaking up and getting back together. The hardest part is realising you can’t change them. I dont know your relationship first hand so I don’t want to tell you to break up, but maybe if you do, he will probably have the space to step back and reassess himself which he won’t have if you are always there. If he loves you he will take steps to change. If he doesn’t he won’t. Resist the urge to continue talking to him if you do decide to do it. Just give him the space and take the space yourself. You can’t think about this clearly whilst you’re in the midst of the relationship and this is so important for you to be clear on. This is the rest of your life. Ignoring the issue may lead to a wasted life of arguments and struggling with his lack of motivation and it’s just not fair on either of you. I hope it helped a bit to hear my perspective.

  13. This seems to be pretty relative to me. I’ve been with my bf twelve years almost. We both live each other just so much. Nine of our years together I was a severe drinking alcoholic, but I’ve been sober for almost three after sending my bf to jail with an unwarranted felony that after all this time will be reversed next month. So substance abuse.
    I remember way back I felt a need to move and we did a series of geographic relocations, problems always following. One of my biggest problems has always been my dudes lack of motivation because especially now I am just so over ambitious, I understand it’s unusual. Bit I remember then, being like what are you gonna do? Where are we gonna go? What are your goals? His goals will be a job. Doing stuff on days off. He’s super nice and sweet to me. Just so nice and loving. I truly love him and think he loves me.
    I’m ready to take on the world. My credit is almost good now! I want a car, and a house, or to travel to amazing places. I want to do everything! I don’t know what drives him. I don’t know what he’s passionate about. I just know he loves me very much. I have been asking for the whole time we’ve been together.
    The trust was broken about nice months ago I found he was still drinking and using drugs when he told me he wasn’t. We moved back in together and he was still doing those things. I now don’t trust him to do any drinking and he still does. Not anything like I used to be, but I asked him not to do many times. He still does. What on Earth do I do????? So much stress and anxiety. He won’t try talking to someone with me. He says I’m smarter than Google and lives me for who I am. I guess I don’t love him for who he is? I’m really confused. If anyone could tell me what they think? Is there any way to at least get him to acknowledge to himself that he doesn’t want to accomplish anything much? I don’t think he will because that will mean I’ll leave. I just can’t leave him. We’ve been through so much. But I can’t be around someone who doesn’t do what they say they will or know what they want to do in their life.

    1. Girl, he lied to you about something he knew was very important to you. Trust was broken and it sounds like he isn’t doing anything to repair it. That just shows a lack of respect for you. You repeatedly told him what you need, and instead of discussing why it’s not going to work for him, he lied to you about it and did it behind your back. Not ok that he didn’t apologize, continues to do it, AND refuses to get help with saving your relationship. Forget the job, sounds like he’s not motivated to keep his relationship either. If I were you, I’d give him one more chance to go to counseling, but that’s it.

      I don’t know your situation, but people change a lot in 12 years. It sounds like you’ve changed your life quite a bit… one of the hardest lessons is that as you grow and change, you sometimes leave people behind. Your paths diverge, naturally, and the relationship isn’t serving you anymore. You’re the only one who can know what’s right, just listen to your gut. You can get through this.

    2. OMG! You and I share so many of the same struggles and sentiments. We had substance abuse issues but have now been sober for almost two years. The mid life crisis I had with him left me with a professional licensing issue because of a substance abuse induced argument and subsequent accusation of unprofessional conduct. I take full responsibility for my addiction and the consequences and realize whether I met him or not I could have had the same consequence, but I believe also that it would not have gone on so long if he would have stayed sober when I went to rehab.He was a negative influence on my attempts at sobriety.Shame on me for not listening to the counselors. So there continues to be a resentment there that I am dealing with. I am very ambitious, go to school, work, active in recovery, and he seems to not have any passion for doing the same. He lives in a sober living, but he tells me many people are not sober. I am fixing my credit while he has done nothing to deal with his.He wants to get married but I keep thinking How? We are both still in the hole?! We used to both have our own apartmentments, in fact I had a 3 bedroom but now I am staying with my mom on the couch to save money to pay for all the licensing recovery requirements!And he has been at his sober living for 1 year and has no plan for how he is going to transition out. I keep trying to discuss goal planning with him, but he just tells me not right now… I am anxious about how his habits can negatively affect all my hard earned efforts. He tells me all the same stuff as your boyfriend tells you. One fear I have is that he might not really be sober. Only because I know how hard it was for me to stop and he just seemed to “get it’ on his first try- except I’m not sure if he really does “get it” because he is not active in recovery. I love how he loves me so much but I am at that point where I am starting to wonder if I can live the rest of my life with someone who is so unambitious. I heard of this personality test called personality plus by Florence Littmauer. Turns out my boyfriend is what is called a Phlegmatic personality. I am a sanguine. You and your boyfriend should take the test. Turns out those two personalities really balance one another. Another thing I wanted to tell you is how my heart goes out to you about the betrayal of him lying about still using.I went through that when I first went to rehab. That must be tremendously difficult for you to bear, because our addiction can sometimes feel like our friend or partner so when you find out they are using it kind of feels like they are hooking up with your ex. Not to mention that he completely misrepresented his sobriety to you. Sobriety is a way of life and if his way of life is still using and down playing it that is a red flag. I don’t know what to say but I know for myself I think that the reason I stick with him is because I just don’t have the heart to break his and I feel like I will never meet a man that will be as kind and caring, whom I am physically attracted to. I mean every kiss still feels like the first time, we are constantly smiling and laughing together and I can recall when I met him feeling like I couldn’t imagine living my life another day without him in it. The truth is that God loves you more than any man loves you. If He could give you your boyfriend in the middle of the storm what other good things could He have in store for you for your future? I tell myself this.This is were I wrestle with my faith. Do I believe that if I rid my life of this easy, comfortable convenient relationship, who will love me? The fear of dating again and all the years of loneliness come flooding back, and I think that is where I stop wanting to break up with him. I just count my blessings and try to focus on the blessings.I am afraid that I will get hurt, or won’t find anyone better. I remind myself that no money in the world can buy happiness. And if I am feeling un-stimulated intellectually I remind myself that I have the power to choose my friends, that my boyfriend is so easy going and non controlling I can spend time investing in other healthy relationships with people who motivate me.So you can hear my conflicted views. Each day we can choose love or fear. Love always wins. God says to love him first with all your heart and then to love others. I get stuck thinking if I stay in this in relationship because I don’t want to hurt him and I am afraid to be alone- is that really loving God? In a way I feel it does not really show that I trust God and that He is a good father. Another thing too is that my boyfriend is not really passionate about his faith like I am, yet he still practices alot of the principles alot better than many Christians I know. I hope this in someone lets you know you are not alone, and if anything help you to consider some things that maybe you haven’t, I’d love to hear what you think.

      1. Hey,
        I just read this. I wanted to tell you since things have gotten better. I think we are quite similar in our situations, crazy!
        So, accepting people the way they are is hard I figured out. Since an awful 2019, 2020 bf has been stepping it up! I also agree about the balancing out each other because he’s said that exact thing many times. I am GO GO GO, and he’s lalalalala, it can wait till later. I’ll take the test you suggested!
        So, I can relate though so much. It never feels old with him, we are so in love. I just never have felt ok with not knowing (I’m black or white, and it switches a lot), which translates to I’m a control freak, which is no secret. When I think about wedding vows, and we’re not married but i feel we’ve been through more than most married couples I know… I’m positive he loves me more than any other guy I know loves his partner; that’s what I think. Our story is incredible. We are supposed to be a team, and something clicked. I cant just ditch my partner when things get real. He stayed with me through my shit and never even remotely threw it in my face. All I can say is that after last year, he promised me he will be truthful. I know he will. He’s a Sagittarius.. So, I don’t know if you know about that kinda stuff, but it brings true for us both. Basicly in a nutshell he is free spirited, doesn’t like to be controlled, knows the rules well, therefore, knows how to break them without getting caught for the most part, and is more than likely going to worship me forever. I’m a Leo, and cannot get enough attention, I follow the rules, and am very critical, judgemental and can be just as negative as optimistic any given day, or otherwise known as severely moody. I like grand gestures, I give grand gestures. I think I realized my dudes qualities are just way quieter than my loud ones. He has enough patience for both of us, enough tolerance for both of us… I mean right there. Quiet. I realized I don’t appreciate the amazing good qualities i have in my bf. He is my best friend. And we went through some real life stuff, and we made it out. So far in 2020, the guy has made an effort, and that’s all I can ask for. He apologized on several occasions and promised he was going to spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I still have my eye on him, but people mess up. He’s a good person and that’s hard to find. He is selfless and I am not. He can walk into a place, and out with a job right there. He’s incredibly lucky when he applies himself, unlike me. I try to do one simple thing, A to B. But for me I have to visit C-D-E-F- and G first. I freak out and he helps me calm down. He understands how I work without judgement and loves me. I am so grate full I did not leave him. I had the same fears as you. Dont want to start over. Then my gram saying do you want to wake up 50 years old and things still haven’t changed? No. Well, and people say that guys dont change. Well, we are proof that people can change. Just have to let things happen as they will and focus on being the best us we can. Our dudes dont have to be just like us, but if your guy loves you the kinda love that makes other people jelly like my guy loves me, I am saying in my opinion it’s worth sticking it out. Leaving is easy and we all know at least for me when given the choice easy or not, for better or worse I’m going to always pick hard for a variety of reasons. Some people are just more appreciative in the moment. He is actively trying to be a better version of himself. And he’s really slow at stuff, but just one small thing at a time. I think at least I expect entirely too much from the guy. I expect perfection because that’s how I am, but that’s not realistic. Yes I know I can be unrealistic, but my dude truly does save me from running off and doing crazy impulsive things, or calms me down when I freak out. I dont think ANYONE else would ever put up with me as happily as this guy can. I’m working on not criticizing, and it’s not easy, but our relationship has been improving and I would never imagine leaving him at this point.
        I say dont get married yet. I say be the best you you can and stop worrying about him even though it’s impossible. If you get an opportunity, maybe take it. That whole not trying to control the universe thing over and over in my head. Makes me want to rip my hair out. Oh. This is important thing I realized. I realized the impact my constant criticizing had on my bf. I realized I was breaking him down, breaking down his confidence and self esteem. I REALIZED I WAS A BULLY, to some extent. Shame on me. I feel really bad about it because I didn’t know. It’s not like he ever came out and said that, but I figured it out. Showing weak emotions is just not something he does. He keeps everything in, and I dont think its bothering him but it is even though I cant tell or see it. I think it comes out in the form of unmotivation.
        I hope you can make sense of all this. I hope it helps you. I hope good things for you. If it’s meant to be, it will be. The divine intervention is true, and probably won’t happen because you’re trying to force it to happen. It just depends on how certain you are of the love you have for each other. That was the only thing I was certain of. And I’m so happy I didnt give up. I’ll hope good things for you Lisa. Be good, cause a clear contious is priceless. Our worst day today isnt comparable to how it was. But that evil is super sneaky. Just be careful. The sobriety is number one. We dont EVER want to have to do it over again. Good vibes, bird chirps, sun shining, nice things because we worked so hard. Clean contious. No regrets!

  14. I have read all of the previous post and I must say that I agreed with alot of what was said. I’m 47 years old and my partner is 1 1/2 younger than me. I have never dated a younger man and thought at first that it was just a maturity issue. However, we have been in a relationship for 10 years now. As a matter of fact, we are “supposed” to be engaged. (since 2011 – long story)

    There are so many things that I love about him. He is my biggest supporter. He is family oriented and has custody of his children. If I am sick, he is so attentive! We have a great time together! Unless I mention ANYTHING about goals or finances. I make more than he does. However, he lives at home with his mother after a difficult divorce. I know this is typically a bad sign but he stays there so the boys have a female presence and we were supposed to get married so he changed his plans of moving out when we starting moving toward marriage. I know that he is motivated to get married. He just lacks drive. This is the reason that I won’t marry him. I have a lot that I am bringing to the table but he has nothing! He likes to showcase the things that I or his family members achieve. He likes nice things and “titles”. However, he has no plans to work toward his own. I started to regret our agreement for him to stay with his mother until we get married. I was thinking that we could save money but he probably needed that time to grow up. He says that he will pursue something one day. Still, I have not seen him working toward anything in 10 years. (not a hobby, career, or anything) I have grown to resent him. I often find myself looking at him in disgust. He has a bad attitude. However, I notice that it is usually when he is questioned about finances or goals. He pays no bills at this mother’s house and can’t help me if I am in a bind. Yet, he always says he doesn’t have any money. I there is something that I want, I make a plan and work toward it. He always has a reason why he can’t achieve something. I am now wondering if I have wasted all of these years.

    Yet, at the same time, the relationship has also made me evaluate some things about myself. I now understand how important motivation is to me in a relationship. He doesn’t have to be the next President or win a Nobel Peace Prize. However, I need to know that we are both moving forward with life and working toward a better tomorrow. I don’t want to be with a man who is content on riding my skirt tail. (I hear the Beyonce’ song Bills, Bills, Bills right now) I guess I said all of this to say be honest with yourself. You can not change him. It will only lead to regret, resentment, and a lack of respect later. (Although, I will say that I don’t regret my time with him because I do believe that I have still managed to grow and discover some things about myself during this time)

    I ended my relationship with him two days ago which I guess is the reason I was on this site in the first place. I feel like I need to focus on me right now. Perhaps, he will change one day. I don’t know. That has to be a decision that he will make. I just know that right now the relationship is not right for me. Call it too much Hallmark TV, but I also believe that if it is meant to be things will work out or I will meet my true Prince Charming and my current love has set the bar very high (besides the lack of ambition). So either way, it’s a win win situation!

    One last thing, I did notice in some of the post that there was some other red flags for some ladies other than the lack of motivation. I would say don’t ignore these. Some of them were screaming louder than the lack of motivation.

  15. Guy- No doubt about it. It’s hard to watch, even harder to not be able to do anything about it. I’m standing by to root for him.

    1. Holly, don’t wait for him to change so you can start your life. It sounds like it’s just not a priority for him, and a healthy couple shares each other’s (major) priorities or the relationship falls apart. If you are cleaning up after him, he won’t take care of himself, and he hasn’t moved forward to address your (and his) very basic needs of having a livable house in a location you both like, then how is raising a family going to go? Will you be overworked trying to take care of him, the house, and a child? From your post, it sounds like that may be the case. Maybe you can help him learn how to get things done, and support him while he gets help for his depression (if that’s what is it), but he has to put in the effort. Why would he learn to do those difficult things if you’ll just do them for him? This is a pretty common dynamic in relationships, and there must be more of a balance or you will start to resent it. Life’s too short!

  16. Holly, sounds like your guys has depression. There is a middle ground between being vain and seeking out material gain and being unable to care for oneself.

  17. Guy- True, having an education or a defined career path are not the most important things in life, but everyone’s story is different. By lack of motivation, I’m talking about his house, aka “bachelor pad”, that I moved into that he is dragging his feet to complete the necessary renovations for resale. Our home is not a home, and there is nothing (physically) that I can do to help. I’ve had all of my belongings in a storage unit for two years while I wait for him to finish the house. We used to talk about moving to Florida or getting the hell out of the state we live in because we are sick of it, but he is showing no signs of motivation. It’s depressing. I hate my job and so does he, but there’s no sense in jumping jobs if we are going to move, as he continues to project six months out every time I bring it up. I am paying for my real estate license on the side until the house is ready and it is costly. He claims that he spends so much in renovations, but I do not see that he’s put much of his own money into it at all. He says that it’s my fault because I do not contribute enough, but I make much less than him and pay half the mortgage, as well as help out where I can. He doesn’t clean around the house and he won’t replace any old, nasty furniture (including towels, bedding or kitchen supplies) because he wants to wait until we move, so I end up buying all the items that he refuses to replace. He doesn’t do laundry. He leaves dishes out all over the house and I am constantly following him around picking up soda and beer cans. He won’t shower or brush his teeth unless I nag him. He doesn’t want to go anywhere unless it’s to a bar with his buddies. He says he wants a family, but we can’t have any of those things we want unless he starts making strides towards our future. I have no idea what to do. My hands are tied. Despite all said above, I love him deeply, but I feel like my days are getting cloudy and I am watching the clock spin everyday. It’s heart breaking. That’s what I mean by motivation.

  18. I am 35 years old and am in a ldr with my boyfriend who is 26. We met online while playing videogames on the PS4 in April 2017. It is my first relationship and I honestly wasn’t looking for love, as I’ve had a difficult life growing up with an over-protective and controlling father who wouldn’t let me go out very much. Also, my dad grieved for 10 years over the loss of his brother (my uncle), making life very hard for my mother and my siblings and me.

    I am educated and have master’s degree but I still live with my parents. I was ambitious and had dreams such as wanting to have a career and buy a house and then have a family. However, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia in 2010 and that changed everything. I’ve had to rethink my career many times. This year I even completed an accounting course, hoping to improve my prospects but realised it would not be suitable due to no part-time positions being available. So, currently, I am unemployed.
    My boyfriend dropped out of school due to his father becoming very ill with cancer and passing away when he was 16. He never had any counselling as the GP just told him to get over it. So, I often feel that he had a difficult start and it’s not his fault, as he hasn’t had the support that I’ve had. He lives in a flat and is also unemployed.

    At first I was very uncomfortable with our age gap and when we first exchanged photos I wasn’t sure if I felt any attraction. He is aware of my medical conditions and has accepted them and my OCD. He was more sure of me than I was of him and it made me feel bad. I told him how I felt which made us both cry. I told him I was sorry and tried to have some time away, but I missed him so much and so we started talking again.
    Last year, after knowing him for about 5 months, I asked for some space, because we are in a party chat everyday through the PlayStation from morning to late evening. He’d expect me to stay in the chat even if we weren’t talking or doing different things, such as when I was watching TV with my Mum. After having some doubts after some disagreements, I needed to see how I felt and reflect. We agreed on how long, but he broke that agreement when he saw I was playing a game with another friend I met online. Maybe it was jealousy. I’m not really sure. Anyway, a few alarm bells rang. Then before the time was up for me to have space he messaged me to say he’s worried about his mum and she is having a test to check if she may have an illness. Worrying that his mum may be seriously ill, because he had told me that family members on his mum’s side also had cancer, I joined a party chat with him to see if she was okay. Apparently she was fine and didn’t have her result yet. The strangest thing is he never really brought it up again after that. So I did ask him once and he said it came back fine. Anyway, I told him that maybe we needed to take things slower and stay as friends to see how things went. He told me it’s too late and we’re past that. Scared of losing his friendship and being unsure if he was right for me, we continued as before.

    Time went by and things got better between us, even though I had tried to be cautious. We started talking about the future, him moving to be with me, getting married, going to Disneyland for our honeymoon, having a family. Then I realised he didn’t have a passport or a birth certificate. My mum, wanting me to be happy, phoned the passport office and the registry to help my boyfriend and even offered to pay for his birth certificate, but he got stressed out and said he’ll sort it out before he comes over. With regards to making a passport, I even offered to fill the form for him online if it helped. All he needed to do was give me the information and get two passport photos taken and signed. When we talked about the fact he needed them signed by people who’d known him for two years and were professionals. He said there wasn’t really anyone. I suggested he could ask his doctor and/or dentist. He told me he doesn’t really go to the dentist because there’s nothing wrong with his teeth and he hasn’t been to the doctor since he got told to get over his dad’s death.Then he told me it’s not that important, we can just go somewhere in London and he’ll get one later. I was disappointed, but then I thought that he was right and as long as we were together it didn’t matter, right?

    This year, in August, I made the effort to visit him in person. I thought we would have the best time and my mum and brother came with me. I paid for my boyfriend’s hotel room and we picked him up from where he lived. He had never stayed in a hotel before and because it was my idea and I was in a better financial position as I still lived at home, I didn’t mind paying for it. Especially, because this was the person I loved and would potentially spend my life with if it all worked out. I also bought him a holdall so that he would have something to put a change of clothes in and some toiletries, which I packed in my suitcase. Once we got to the town he lived, he met us in a random street as he did not want us picking him up from his flat. I did have a conversation with him about this a month before we were due to visit. I asked for his address so we could pick him up. His response was he’ll meet us somewhere else. I asked why and he got really defensive. I also had asked if I could send him a birhday card and he just said bring it when you come to visit, as the date of our visit was a few days after his birthday. Again I asked for a reason why he didn’t want us to come to where he lived and told him we wouldn’t come inside and just wait outside. Then, I started thinking he was embarrassed of me. That’s when he got angry. Still he couldn’t give me an answer. Then I asked if it was because the area wasn’t good. He said yes and started to say he was just trying to protect me. In my mind, I kept wondering why he didn’t just say that. Anyway, I let it go. I even ordered him a birthday cake and took presents for his 26th birthday.
    However, when we met it was so different to what I imagined. He was socially awkward and quiet. It was nothing like I imagined. It felt like we were strangers. He looked a bit different to his photo. He was a lot skinnier and he had started losing his hair and turned up in joggers that looked too big for him and a hoody. My mum and brother thought he hadn’t made much of an effort, as they said he could have at least trimmed his beard. I overlooked these things, thinking that it didn’t matter because I fell in love with his personality and he just didn’t have the support I did. This was the same guy who sent me ‘good morning’ and ‘goodnight’ messages, asked me if I had taken my medicine and said ‘I love you’. However, I tried so hard to talk to him, just as we’ve talked many times before, but he didn’t say much. I couldn’t understand.

    On our first outing together, at the Giant’s Causeway, my mum and brother even left us alone to talk. Even then he wouldn’t really say much. There was a tour bus and I just said that there was enough space for him to walk on the path next to me and he just replied that it wasn’t going to hit him. Also, when a man asked us if we were with the tour, I replied ‘no, sorry, we’re not’. When the man left us, my boyfriend said ‘do we look like ******* tour guides?’. I just told him that the man was probably looking for the rest of his tour group. I was really surprised at my boyfriend’s reaction though. The man wasn’t rude and just asked a question. When we visited the Causeway I also slipped on the stones and even that wasn’t enough for my boyfriend to check if I was okay. My mum was the first to notice and help me. Then my boyfriend asked if I was okay once my mum was a few yards away. The next day, when we were alone, he told me his heart had stopped when I fell. I felt confused. If he was that worried why didn’t he come to see if I was okay and help me up. I asked him about this when I got home as it bothered me. He just said he didn’t know if he was allowed to touch me. Throughout the rest of the trip, I felt like I was the one trying to start a conversation. He would never really make eye contact and when he answered it would be a really short response.

    When I returned home and we spoke in a party chat, he was back to his normal self. Apparently, the reason he didn’t speak much was he was just shy. So, since coming back home from my trip, I’ve felt more and more confused. He didn’t make the best impression on my mum and brother, as they think he didn’t make much of an effort and so they felt he wasn’t right for me. Especially, because he was socially awkward, they wondered how he would be able to get a job. Also, my mum is worried that I haven’t had the easiest life and feels like I’ll end up having to look after my boyfriend. At the same time though, they did say it was my decision.

    I did try to ask him about work and what sort of jobs he has done. He just said there aren’t many opportunities where he lives. I even asked how he felt about going back to college to get GCSE English and Maths to improve his prospects and that I’d support him. His response was why, he wasn’t going to become a doctor anytime soon. I was taking driving lessons so I suggested maybe he could learn too. Then we could talk about it and help each other. He told me he couldn’t learn to drive because he doesn’t like being told what to do. This also made me question our future together. I realised that he didn’t have much motivation. He said he wanted kids with me but all I could think was what sort of future would we be giving them? Did I know about his education and work situation before? Yes, but I thought money wasn’t everything and if we loved each other we’d be able to support and motivate each other and get through anything.

    Everything kept going round in my head, that is, how my mum and brother felt, how my boyfriend was in person and before. I couldn’t understand if we were right for each other. Although, my mum did say if I felt he was right for me, it wouldn’t bother me what anyone else thought.

    I did talk to my boyfriend about not being 100% sure about my feelings for him and that I didn’t want to lead him on. I also suggested that maybe we could take some time apart so that I could see how I felt. His response was ‘No, you’ve already had it before’. As for not being 100% sure, he said ‘you’ll never be 100% sure’ and ‘why can’t you just be happy…. ?’. Then when I explained that it’s not fair on him if I’m not 100% sure like he is about me, his response was ‘you’ll regret it’. I think he meant if I ended things with him, I wouldn’t be happy. Then he said he’s fine with me not being sure and somehow, things just carried on like before, although I didn’t say ‘I love you’ as much as before and I couldn’t stop thinking about this situation not being fair on him and that I needed to make a decision. I started to feel stressed out and ill thinking about it everyday. Then my mum suggested to pray to and trust in God and just enjoy each day and see what happens. So that’s what I did.

    Then, the other day, I was watching a movie and my boyfriend was playing his game. We were in a party chat as usual. Towards the end of my movie, he started playing music on his phone. I told him I was going to take my headphones off whilst I finished watching the movie. When I put them back, I told him that I felt he didn’t respect that I was watching a movie and that he could have listened to his music on YouTube without disturbing me. He said ‘you’ve seen it before. You could write the script’ and ‘it wasn’t even that loud’. I told him that he knew how I find it hard to concentrate and I was just trying to enjoy the movie. He started saying ‘well, you shouldn’t have rushed your game, then you wouldn’t be bored’. I told him I wasn’t bored. He kept on at me like this for five minutes saying that I shouldn’t have rushed my game and that what does it matter if he played music because I’d seen it before. I told him that he’s the one who always tells me to stay in the chat. He responded with that I was throwing that in his face. Apparently, he was just teasing me, but I ended up saying ‘it’s okay for you. If you’re not playing, you just watch YouTube or go to sleep. I need more than that’. At that point, he told me he was joking and that I could be very mean at times. I felt so terrible and cried. I don’t wish to hurt anyone. :( I apologised and he said he wasn’t upset but then he said if that’s what I really thought, he didn’t really care.
    The truth is, that’s what my boyfriend does. He plays, watches YouTube and even naps while we are in a party chat together. He takes each day by day and seems content with life, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but maybe he’s too laid back. Also, lately, it’s felt like he doesn’t even listen to what I am saying when I talk to him. If I ask, if he’s listening, he’ll say yes, you were talking about… When I realise he has no idea, I tell him not to worry. Then he keeps asking until I tell him. I confronted him about this and he said it’s my headset that’s the problem and he doesn’t hear me. I also told him how it feels like he doesn’t make much of an effort with me anymore. I know the distance makes it difficult but we used to watch movies together. He said it’s because there hasn’t been much on and he doesn’t usually watch TV and that he was the one who suggested we watch the last two films we watched. The thing is, we only recorded them to watch because I suggested it. Then every time I’ve asked if we should watch a movie, he tells me maybe tomorrow because he’s watching YouTube. So he asked me if I wanted to watch something right then just to make a point. I said no because we were trying to talk things out and I was upset. Then, my mum asked if I wanted to watch something with her. I said okay. So my boyfriend got upset with me over that. He told me he wasn’t upset, but I could tell. He had his mic muted and usually he always told me when he was going away from the chat to get food or go to the bathroom just as I would tell him. This time there was nothing not even a message. When the movie finished and my mum went to bed, I tried to speak to him but thought maybe he was upset so he didn’t respond. I left the chat and decided I was tired anyway. Also, my mum had noticed I was upset earlier and said maybe that we just both needed a bit of time away from each other. Then he messaged me to say he hadn’t heard me because he was eating. I replied saying ‘it’s okay, please don’t worry. I’m tired. Going to get some sleep. See you tomorrow. xxx’. He responded with ‘this isn’t fair how you are treating me i have done nothing i went to get food and come back and said hello but you left’. I didn’t reply thinking that it was late and that we would probably end up saying things we’d regret. I considered talking to him the next day, but I remembered what he said to me when we had a disagreement before. He said ‘I’m not going to come running after you.’

    Anyway, sorry for the long message Laurie. I just needed to get this out somewhere. As for your article, my story is relevant, as my mum and brother both feel that my boyfriend will drag me down due to his lack of motivation, but sometimes I feel they are too close to the situation. I thought loving me would motivate him to want to do something to make us have a better life together. I’ve tried to accept a lot of things but it’s starting to feel like he doesn’t want to meet me halfway and he’s happy with how his life is. Also, since I got back from meeting him, before we had our disagreement, I can’t stop thinking that if he did move to be with me, how could he get a job if he doesn’t like being told what to do, gets annoyed if you ask him something he’s already told you and has no ambition…?

    May God bless you Laurie and thank you. I think you’re doing an amazing thing by helping people.

    1. Wow, UK Girl, you need to think long and hard about your values. You sound like such a kind person but, to me, come off as completely naive. The guy has “loser” written all over him! I understand that your family hasn’t conceptualized their values either, so it’s not something you would have learned from them. In fact, our whole culture is clueless these days, (I’m from the US but it’s the same decay going on.). But Life will teach you these things, eventually—if you really want to understand what is weak and what is strong. Go with strong—always. Number one, nurture it in yourself and distance yourself from those that don’t because only internal strength is able to confer love & true loyalty to another.

    2. Hello UK girl. I am saying this out of love…. What you shared about your boyfriend and his controlling nature will only get worse. I know you love him… nut you will never be able to convince him to see things your way. He is obviously sruggling with some deep rooted issues around rejection and is shwing signs of emotionally abusive behavior that will only get worse…I know because I have survived a relationship like this. He does what is called “Gas lighting” He feeds off maing you feel like everything is your fault. You will never make him happy.Just from reading youe post I can feel how much you needed to vent about his mistreatment. I know you struggle with RA and Fibro and I believe that those conditions can be strongly correlated with emotional trauma, so I don’t know what is going on but I know that the unecessary stress he is causing you will only lead to more flareups. I recommend you see a massage therapist trained in myofascial release. They can help you. As for your boyfriend know that you deserve better. He is not loving you by wanting you.

  19. It’s important to be in a relationship with a guy whose goals and values are compatible with yours. If you see your boyfriend as unmotivated, undisciplined, lazy or unambitious, then you may not have respect for him. If you don’t have respect, your relationship will deteriorate.

    If your boyfriend isn’t ambitious or motivated, take time to look at your own expectations. What do you need in a relationship? What type of man and future are you looking for? This isn’t about judging or criticizing your boyfriend…it’s about determining what’s important to you, and filling your life with things and people that feed your spirit, soul, and mind.

    You can’t change your boyfriend. Can you accept him for who he is right now?

  20. work and school is whats important? I think most people miss the point of life, and realize on their death bed… Love and company is whats important… Silly humans

  21. I am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 24. We’ve been together for 2 years and I really feel like he has no ambition at all in his life. He doesnt even know what he likes. He plays video games the whole day and he says he doesnt even know why he plays cause he doesnt like the games. He just has no ambition, no motivation. It really bothers me because Im a Psychology student at the University and I am really passionate about it. I have hobbies and I know exactly what I like and I like to meet new people and discover new things. And he is a little anti social, he says no to everyyyyyy new ideas that I bring to the table. He doesnt even think about it. It bothers me. And he doesnt have friends that can mean something to him. All his friends do is smoke weed and play video games. He works as a telemarketeer and he wants to do something else. I helped him but it Im doing all his applications while he plays video games.

    At the other hand, he is a very nice guy and veeeery generous. He saves his money and spend it very clever. He buys me nice things. He treats me so well and he is very faithfull. We share common norms and values and we have our own jokes and funny stuff. So, we have a very deep and unique connenction on that matter. We share everything with eachother. And I find him veeeery beautiful, his green eyes (he’s dutch, Im from the carribbean). And our sex live is very good too, I can’t complain.

    I dont know what would be best for me. I dont want to take the risk of leaving him. But I really need someone with ambition and a porpose of life. Someone with the need to explore life and live life to the fullest. I feel kinda bad after writing his good qualities. I really dont know what to do.

    1. Hi. I completely relate to you 100%. I’d say we are going through the same exact thing. I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 21. We are only 6 months apart. We have been together for 3 years now. I’m a nursing student with 4 months left in the program and he works a regular minimum wage job. He has no ambition, no drive, no passion for anything in life. He’s still “confused” about what he wants to become. I think about our future a lot and what’s important to me. I want us to be able to save and build so that one day we can live comfortably, to buy a house and raise children in. I talk with him about this all the time and all he does is plays video games all day and lives life day by day without thinking about the future. I want a guy that is a provider and protector. Someone who wants to take care of me and make sure that I’m good. In my opinion it seems like he wants me to be the caretaker. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice guy. Just like you, we have a great connection, we share similar interests and laugh all the time but just this part of this relationship is worrying me and I’m afraid that this will cause us to break up.
      Your not alone!
      I say we should have a talk with our guys and have a personal time limit for ourselves. If he cannot meet that personal time limit after having a talk then it might just be time to go separate ways. Being happy within yourself is important and you can’t just stay in a relationship just because!

      I hope we find the best solution for our relationship

      1. Ever considered that maybe his family yourself and friends are enough to be content? Why does it matter what stupid career someone does, it’s not what really matters in life… Yet people only seem to realize this in their death bed… There is nothing wrong with being content with less, in fact quite the contrary.

      2. I am a woman in my 50’s. I was married to a narcissist for 22 years and didn’t know it. We had 4 children together and our children, my faith and his traveling job were vital to the length of our marriage. I have since remarried and have been blessed with a man who puts me and my daughters first. I have learned something very important with my current husband that I wanted to share with you. To be happy in a relationship, you have to be able to see you and your partner as a “team”. With my first marriage, it was all about “him”. I was along for the ride. If a man is devoted to you and you are his number one priority, you won’t “have” to draw lines for time spent together. You won’t have to push him to want more for himself and you as a couple. You are allowing him to live single when he is supposed to be in a committed relationship. Stand up for yourself and cut your losses. You are better off single than with a man who is not going to step up and be a team with you in life but instead someone you have to pull along. Yes, lack of ambition and lack of striving for the best for YOU, and you two as a TEAM is a problem.

      3. Hi Laurie,
        Im wondering how your situation is right now. I broke up with him the same year. And I am happier. I haven’t found someone else but I have peace of mind.
        Greetings xx

  22. I am madly in love with my boyfriend we have known each other since we were kids. I am 24 and he just turned 27 he is an extremely hard worker but lacks all motivation. We have been together for 3 years going on 4 in May. I am a nurse studying for my board exam and he works for a warehouse, however he has so much more potential. He started the requirements for the police academy but it does not seem as he is even close to being motivated as much as I am for him. I have plans and goals to achieve in the future and I am afraid his lack of ambition will hold me back. We have had several of arguments regarding his lack of ambition and he said he will get it done, but my mentality is if you want to achieve something in life you will do anything possible to do so. It just doesn’t seem like he doesn’t strive for success! What do I do? Do I stay with him or do I break up ?

    1. Im in the same boat as you! Been with my man for 3 going on 4 yrs. I am an engineer and he’s a cook (not certified might i add). He have a lot of potential and we argue a lot about his lack of ambition. I am a very motivated and determined woman. Anything i want i work to get it. If i don’t have it i will put in time and work to have it. I do not know what to do but i feel we are on two different paths. I need some advice bad because i am at my breaking point where i am ready to give up. I been trying to get him to want better for himself for almost 2 years now.

      1. Kyanna Anderson, your situation is similar to mine. Can I ask, are you still with him? or did your determination to do better end the relationship? I’m very independant and determind and get bored very easily, in the past i’ve tried to organise holidays with my boyfriend but he never “has the savings”… even though he earns a lot more than me.. so I end up going on holidays alone, because i worked hard to save up and go and do these things.. even if we are to have a night away in a hotel room or go out to an expensive dinner.. I pay and he “pays me back when he has the money”… same with bills and rent… WHERE does the money go if he doesn’t have the savings for these things.. I get so frustrated that I have to be the one that “wheres the pants” and makes all the decisions.. He’s really holding me back.. but i do think “am i asking too much” and to think about the quality time with him… but frankly.. I don’t ‘need’ him.. I could accomplish a lot more without him… but to do it alone… that just sounds lonely and depressing.. do I wait for him to mature and get his act together? or is he just getting a free ride…?

  23. I’m so in love with my guy. He would marry me anytime. We christians, under 40 & have both been divorced & had children. He became a christian after while incarceration, & is one of the most Spirit Filled, joyous, trusting person I know. I can’t imagine him being the way he used to. Due to the felony charge it’s more difficult to get a job. He settled for the first (& only position he applied for). He went back to college (with a full scholarship), & dropped with an A+. He is very intelligent & gets bored easily. He is open & will to help at church & in the community, he teaches bible classes several hours a week, & is always eager to study the bible (what he is interested in) & share with others. With all of this he is not motivated to go obtain work training, or ever consider looking for a another job. He lives with his parents & pays the utility bill. He pays restitution, child support & after that he can’t support himself (and I’m not sure he could if he didn’t have those obligations). I’m educated, not in debt, buys my vehicles in cash, have owned a house on my own etc., but now I’m legally disabled, so often I will be out of work several weeks a year do to physical challenges. We are both frugal & good with money. I let him know I feel hurt he has never said he wants to support himself, his child or me. I don’t want to be on the system, & he doesn’t even care if we were eligible to receive assistance. I feel like he should get another job (he works one job less then 40 hrs a week, but he does have decent benefits & loves his job – he loves people). I didn’t want to be mean, but I finally told him bluntly that we can’t get married until he can support us. I mean he can’t even support himself. Once I marry I will loose Medicaid, partially Medicare (he would be even worse off if he had to put me on his health insurance. I feel stuck, I’m legitimately disabled, but if a little more income is coming in I will losses it all, & on top of that WIC, Food Stamps & another else. My family is angry about this too, we love him, but he won’t even try to earn more for himself & his child. I broke up with him briefly, I can’t imagine my life with out him. Also he is a classic Aries, an altimatum won’t work, if he is nagged or urged to do something he doesn’t want to it’s really not going to happen. I’m thankful to have fun him, & that he is able, & that he makes a little more than minimum wage, he never talks about how he will support if a car blows, I am unable to work at all etc. I feel like I would always have to be picking up the slack. There is not much “room for growth” where he is.
    Should I just break it off for good?

  24. This is my exact situation. I’m 21 and my boyfriend is 34. We have a 6 month old together who is my whole world. He works for his parents construction company so he will literally sleep in until 12 pm before going to work. Of course this means he gets a smaller paycheck and we sometimes can’t buy the things we need but obviously he has no incentive to show up for work on time because his parents aren’t going to fire him or anything. I have two retail jobs (AEO and VS) but if he was working more I would have time to go back and finish school! I feel like if I got my own place and got back in school I could make my dreams come true. I feel like he’s really holding me back because every dream I have he has a reason for me why it’s unrealistic. (I say “I feel” because who knows maybe I’m wrong and it’s just feels like I’m being dragged down.) I did a little bit of modeling and he told me that it would never work because would have to travel. Then I was interested in journalism and he told me it would never happen because I would have to move to a big city. I just feel so stagnant in life and I’m trying to be successful but I almost feel like since he’s a 34 year old high school drop out he doesn’t want me to have the chance of success because that may mean leaving him behind. Any advice on what to do or any observations would be greatly appreciated!!

    1. It sounds lke you already know the answer. The best advice I can give is to listen to your gut, even though it’s painful! That little voice inside that nags at you, telling you things you don’t want to hear, things you rationalize away, but that keeps coming back – in my experience, that voice is ALWAYS right. Unfortunately. I’ve been in a few long-term relationships that I knew, way deep down, were holding me back, but there were so many great things about the relationship that it was easy to ignore my gut. Those guys were good people, treated me well, we had fun together, etc. But each time, after about two years, the doubts kept returning more often, and I couldn’t ignore them anymore. After the painful process of breaking it off, I was able to grow as a person and pursue my dreams… which led to meeting people who also had dreams. :) If your partner is holding you back, even if he doesn’t mean to, you have a responsibility to yourself and your child to do what’s best for you. And you are responsible for standing up for yourself and your dreams! If you listen to him when he says you can’t do something, that’s on you. Maybe that means having a serious talk and letting him know that you are going to pursue certain goals, and you need his support, or working on your own assertiveness, whatever you need to do. Life is short, don’t waste it living other people’s expectations! Good luck!

  25. My boyfriend and I are both medical students. He wants a more laid back lifestyle, thinking about specializing in family medicine, while I want to achieve the best that I can achieve whether I to go to a surgical specialty or something else. He has been the most loving and supportive person, yet when it comes to work ethic he is not as ambitious as I am. I have a lot of tasks to do, yet when I spend time with him the norm is for us to sleep and lay in bed all day, which is fine, but then I become irritated I do not get things done.
    Is this a concern?

  26. I’m going through this exact situation with the father of my child. We’re both young and I have so many goals I want to achieve in life, but he on the other hand will SAY he has goals and not even make one attempt to conquer one of them. When we first met I’ll admit we moved really fast, so I was getting to know him (at least I thought) and taking him for his word since I didn’t know him. But now looking back I can really see that the introduction stage was nothing but a cover up. He’s like a 5 year old kid and every week he has a new career goal. One day he wants to go to school then the next he doesn’t. It’s no consistency with him. Then I got pregnant right around the time I found out he was a fraud, so I stuck it out hoping the baby would change his perspective of life, but honestly the baby had no affect on his lack of motivation. You can only imagine a person like this will also suck with emotional and finical support. I’m always there when he needs me. Sending job apps to him, taking him to and from places, trying to help get him his permit REPEATEDLY with no success for very odd reasons and motivating him he can do better; then on my end I don’t receive none of this. No motivation to do what I really want but just would like to hear that he cares and he really doesn’t. No help far as the baby or even my gas tank when he clearly sees it’s on E. never call and ask what the baby needs and when I tell him he takes weeks to months to get it but buy then I got it. He misses job interviews and quits them it’s like he purposely wants to be a bum. I can’t do it anymore. Lately we argue a lot and I’m at a point where I’m verbally abusive due to my unhappiness and I lash out on him. We break up for literally anything and I know for a fact the relationship is not gonna get no better if he doesn’t make no effort to step up to be a better man for himself and our son. I’m so unhappy waiting out this year with no progress from him and I’m being dragged along with his laziness now so should I try to wait a few more months to see change or should I leave now????

    1. Don’t wait! It sounds like you already know it’s not going to work. The longer you wait, the more painful it’ll be. There is no “better time,” it will never get easier, in my experience. Waiting to end it only wastes your time, and his too. You owe it to yourself and to him to move on so you can both move past this and grow!

  27. Thank you for sharing how you feel about your relationship! It’s difficult to know what to do when you’re in a relationship with a boyfriend who isn’t as motivated or ambitious as you are…especially when you love him. You want to be in a relationship with him, but you also want to explore life and life big! I totally get it.

    Here’s one way to decide what to do: what will you regret more, when you look back on your life? You can’t have it all at the same time, so you have to choose. What do you know deep in your heart – what do you need to do, to fulfill your dreams for your life?

    1. Thank you! I know my future means more to me than anyone ever will, but it’s just figuring out when to call it quits.
      Like when do I stop thinking ‘this will be a problem’ and leave before it is a problem

  28. I have similar problems with my other half. I love him and he’s supportive and we have fun together but he has no motivation at all.
    I’ve spent the last few years going back to education that I missed out on due to being seriously ill when I was younger, and I start university in September. I want to do a placement year, a master’s, and one day a PhD. I want to up and move somewhere new, travel, do everything!
    My boyfriend on the other hand, has had the same dead end job since we met. He has complained about it since we met, but doesn’t try to get another one. He says he wants to design games but won’t go back to education to get the relavent qualifications. He went to uni before we met, and dropped out in the last 3 months of his final year!
    I feel like he’s going to hold me back and I don’t know what to do

  29. Being lazy and lacking ambition is completely different. As humans, we work, some of us work harder and being lazy is nice sometimes.
    I’m seeing someone right now that is a hard worker, but not as ambitious as me, but he as other qualities that make up for it. He communicates pretty well.

    1. You also have to remember, you can’t get everything out of a relationship! And before you start pointing fingers, look at your own flaws.

  30. Hi Laurie,

    Thank you for sharing this kind of topic. This is the most realistic writing that I’ve read so far about lazy boyfriend.
    You are right that I can’t change him and I need to accept the way he is. The problem here is I find it hard to accept his lazy character. This is the biggest problem overall :(

    Because for me, the lazy character will affect the other aspects of marriage life, for example because you are lazy, you’ll earn little money. And how come we can go for marriage? In my country culture, husband has a bigger responsibility than wife especially in paying bills. So, if you earn a little, how can you pay all the bills? Me? As a wife? I don’t really want. I work to help my husband, not to replace his position with the responsibility too.

    He is smart actually, open minded and has a kind heart. This is why I fell for him. I’m dating with him almost one year by now. If only, he isn’t a lazy man, he is perfect for me :(

    He isn’t ambitious too. He is 37. He never go overseas, he doesn’t have bachelor degree, he doesn’t have car or house, just old motorcycle.

    He is also weak and doesn’t have strong will. He sometimes always get headaches. When he get headaches, he doesn’t go to work.
    When he has nothing to do, he will sleep or read novel all day long rather than doing something productive to improve his other skill.
    If he has a lot of work for just one day, he will feel very very very tired, like he has a lot of work for a whole week!! I just don’t understand.

    True, breakup isn’t a solution for me. Ever tried it once, but I came back for him.

    I can’t figure it out right now, what I am supposed to do. I am just unhappy.

  31. My boyfriend and I are in our 30’s. At this point in life you are way more realistic. And of course, I look at myself to see if I’m the one who wants more then I should or, realistically, can have. My boyfriend is un-moveable. And I love him, he’s comfortable. But un-moveable in that everything is too dangerous, too expensive, and un-attainable. My friends would tell you I’m a gypsy and really not scared of much. I’m a bit of an adventurer having wandered the US and Kenya, and pursued many goals and careers others don’t. He says I need to encourage him, and that is part of the problem from his perspective. But when I see an opportunity for him to pursue what he says he wants. I tell him do it now, let’s get this done, you can do this. But there is always a problem, a reason it was to hard. And, as always he says I didn’t encourage him. I don’t know what he means by encouragement. I just wonder if we are too different. I feel like we fit. I trust him and that is very, very hard for me to find. He wont even enquire about things like opportunities, because he always sees a problem with why it wont work out. He is always unqualified. Even when I know on paper he is. And since everything is too expensive. I can’t even ask him to go on a hiking trip with me, dinner is hard enough, and he never has time. He is exhausted. I love adventure. I like home too. But I want to do and see all the things, and I know he can’t do it with me. Should I just suck it up and learn to be more independent? He’s a good guy. I’m 30 and almost 31. If I can just not let his fear rub off on me, and ignore the negative things he says, then maybe I can still achieve my dreams. He’ll be at home waiting. Maybe that can work too. I just feel like I’m not strong enough to do it “alone” with out him helping me. But is that wrong? The only other thing is, I don’t feel in love with him like I’ve loved others. He’s not a smooth talker; He doesn’t philosophize with me, and make me feel smart and funny and beautiful. But it doesn’t have to be about me. What is it suppose to be about?

    1. Hi Liz… I’ve just found this thread after yet another conversation with my other half, telling me he hates his current job but not looking for a new one. We updated his CV 3 weeks ago after a year of misery and yet not one application sent out!!! What I see to be encouragement – when I say he should have more confidence in his abilities, he says is me picking at his faults… can’t win!!
      We sound like we are in the same boat, both in how we are as people and how our other halfs see the world… except for the being ‘in love’ bit. I really am in love with my other half, he does make me feel special and we do philosophise with each other. I hope in the past few months you’ve come to a decision about your relationship or are happier. I know that the ‘in love’ part is the only think keeping be with my other half, don’t we all deserve to feel like that?

      1. I feel thesame way as you have just described…my partner is hardworking and does try, but whatever it is he’s missing, self esteem, something…he’s just struggling financially and I am in a similar situation to him-don’t make much but I earn more than he does and am applying for new jobs whereas he makes excuses and says he has to play it safe/wait for bank loan to be paid off before he can leave or his bad work history. He’s been at his current workplace doing difficult split shifts for 2 years-the whole time I have been with him, surely thats long enough for a slightly better job to consider him. when I try to talk about jobs he says he doesn’t want to work at a job for money and will barely talk to me. Ideally I’d like to not have to either, but it takes a lot of work to get to that point and I am not quite sure if he really gets it/is just dreaming. He’s does care I contribute more and trys to help out when he can and gives me rides to work and shows up to his job and works hard while he’s there. . but it makes him tired and moody. I had lots of jobs like that, until 8 months ago where I got into something easier but now I want to shift gears again and start progressing in my career-i’m sick of not having enough money. it’s totally killing the romance and we bicker all the time because im so frustrated as his apparent refusal to deal with reality. part of me feels liem i should leave him, and part of me thinks i need to encourage and inspire him more -which is what he seems to want but i don’t understand…it shouldnt be up to me do get him to do whats necessary in a nice way. he cant even afford to take basic care of himself like afford to eat properly-so i feel sorry for him and compromise my own life! at my wits end. he works split shifts and its hard work so i can see why he hates it which is why i dont see why he wont do anything to leave, like refuse to write cv or look or apply for anything at all.

  32. Dear Hollie,

    There is nothing you can do to motivate your boyfriend to go to college, get a degree, or figure out what he wants to do with his life. The more you push him, the more pain both you and your boyfriend will feel!

    You can’t change him. If he’s not ambitious now, he may never really care about starting a career or getting a job he’s passionate about. Or…he may discover an interest he can build a career from, or he may decide to get a college degree in something after all!

    If you want to have a peaceful, loving relationship, then you need to accept your boyfriend the way he is. You can’t change him, motivate him, or make him ambitious. Your job is to motivate yourself and make yourself into the woman you want to be — keep pursuing your plans and goals for your life! Focus on your own path, and let your boyfriend find his.

    Here’s a question for you: Is it possible that this relationship isn’t the best fit for you?

    Sometimes we love people who are awesome in many ways, but we’re just not meant to be together because of different or conflicting goals. It’s a difficult decision. You need to decide if you can love your boyfriend for who he is right now — without any ambitions or goals for his life. Don’t try to change him, for you’ll only cause yourself and him stress. You won’t get anywhere, and you can’t force him to be someone he’s not.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  33. I am still in high school; however, I have a long distance relationship that is going great and I love my boyfreind to death. This boyfreind has been in and out of trouble lately; but in his defence, he does not have anyone to guide him. I am very active in my plan for the future and I am constantly talking about it with him. He motivates me and tells me he is proud of me while pushing me to do my best. Although, he has no plas for himself and says he is not smart enough for college. And to be completely honest, I dont really see him doing anything either other than working in an art or music field. Again, he downs himself about college. He does not see himself being successful in doing anything and I do not know how to motivate him to go to college, get a degree, or even know how to help him figure out what he wants to do. We have been together on and off for 4 years. Help me??!!

  34. so, im in high school, about to graduate. looking at schools, which i have an appointment this week to a trade school. & my boyfriend doesnt go to work, or ever go to school and im in regular school going to get my diploma & hes going to get his GED. He got mad at me when i was talking on the phone with the representative to the school i want to go to for some reason, basically he was trying to tell me that i was trying to rub it in his face, or that im better than him somehow. shouldnt he be proud of me? and motivate me like i do him?
    i told him that he can do anything and i will help, his family isnt there for him, so why should he get mad at me for trying to motivate him and wanting the best for him? im waiting a few months.. but i feel like im waisting my time. & thats not something i want to do. i get my little paychecks save a little and spend the rest mostly on me and him. and i dont want to do that anymore if hes not going to do nothing with his life.
    i give him massages, always giving him the works if you know what i mean! and i just feel like i should be doing those things to a MAN; who works hard for what he gots.
    i dont know what to do.. i feel like it might come together because we had a talk about it and hes going to get his GED. but i cant be with someone who wants to be a bum and live off of everybody else i like expensive things and i dont want to depend on others.
    someone respond, id like to talk, and i need some advice.
    i would appreciate it.

  35. I can’t tell you if you should leave your boyfriend because he isn’t ambitious…but you have to remember that he will not change. Well, maybe a miracle will happen and he will suddenly start wanting to achieve the same type of goals as you do, travel, and work overseas! But I wouldn’t count on it.

    He is who he is. You are who you are. The only person you can change is you. Do you want to adjust your goals to suit his lifestyle and future? Or, can you accept him for who he is and still pursue your own goals?

    Also….all relationships get boring. It’s part of getting to know someone really well and building a life together! The thrill leaves. But this doesn’t mean you should leave him.

    It sure does get complicated, doesn’t it? That’s why I always vow never to give advice!

  36. I have a boyfriend who works two jobs as a cook and plays video games all the time. He has no motivation to achive a career. I, however have goals to work overseas, travel and live overseas. How can i do that if i stay with my boyfriend? He has no goals of his own and our relationship is boring, he doesn’t excite me anymore so should leave him? We’ve broken up before and got back together. We’ve been together for 4 months now.

  37. Yes it does. It is also possible that you will be stagnant if you stay with the no ambition guy. It will give you financial and emotional problem in the future, specially if you two have bigger responsibilities. The suggestion of staying away with that no ambition guy although you love to be rude, but if you have dreams in life, stay away from anything or someone that will pull you back.