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Will You Love Me If I Gain Weight?

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Weight gain can break up a relationship. Here’s how to cope with your boyfriend’s disappointing answer to the question, “Will you love me if I’m overweight?”

These tips are inspired by a reader’s comment about love and weight gain on 10 Signs of a Bad Relationship:

“My fiance and I are to get married next year, but I doubt whether he loves me.  :( His mood has changed, he’s withdrawn and often silent. We have had many many arguments and discussions about my weight. I gained 3 stone (about 36 pounds) when I quit cigarettes and then I lost it. He said I looked fabulous when I lost weight. Unfortunately, I have gained about 1 stone (12 pounds). He can go in a sulk if I eat a chocolate bar… is this normal? He is sensitive, helpful, kind, generous, thoughtful and loving. I love him SO SO much. BUT WILL THIS WEIGHT ISSUE KILL OUR RELATIONSHIP IN THE FUTURE? What if I gain weight while pregnant? I’m so worried and freaked out. I am not in a good place, my self-esteem is rock bottom and I can’t stop crying. Help!”

If your boyfriend or husband makes comments about your weight – or if you actually have arguments about weight gain – then you have reason to believe that he won’t want to stay in a relationship if you are overweight. He may still love you, but not be attracted to you. I’m sorry to say that, I feel sad for my reader…but I believe their arguments about her weight won’t simply disappear when they get married.

Here are a few tips on coping with a boyfriend or husband who is upset about your weight.

Recognize the difference between health concerns versus vanity

Is your boyfriend is concerned about you gaining weight because of related health issues (eg, diabetes, thyroid problems, fertility issues, etc)? Or, does he want you to be slim because he isn’t attracted to curvy or overweight women?

This is an important distinction to make – and you need to be honest with yourself about what you really believe your boyfriend cares about.

The bottom line is this question: “Will you still love me if I gain weight?” If he loves you no matter how much you weigh, then he’ll want you to be at a healthy weight for your own sake.

Let your relationship unfold naturally

Maybe you’ll always struggle with your weight – maybe your natural BMI (body mass index) is slightly higher than average. Maybe you’re a curvy, buxom woman. Some women are naturally lean, others are rounded and bouncy.

A huge part of being in a healthy love relationship is acceptance. We need to accept ourselves for who we are (while always striving to grow!), and we need to accept our partners for who they are (while gently encouraging growth, too). It’s a fine balance: self-acceptance/self-love and growth.

If you and your boyfriend can’t accept you the way you are right now, then maybe you’re not meant to be together. I know this is heartbreaking, and I’m sorry. But it’s better to find out the truth now, before you’re married with kids.

If you’re scared of his answer to the question, Will you love me if I’m overweight?, maybe it’s a sign you’re not meant to be together. Or, maybe it’s something you and he can work out together – with the help of a professional counselor. Maybe he needs to figure out why he’s so opposed to your weight gain.

Accept that some boyfriends won’t accept overweight girlfriends

I wrote When Your Girlfriend Gains Weight and You’re Not Attracted to Her because a few men commented on one of my articles about weight gain. Some guys just do not want to be with a woman who is overweight. That’s who they are.

Is your boyfriend one of those guys who can’t be with a woman who is curvy or obese? Then either you need to start dieting right now, or let him go. I encourage you to figure out who you are as a woman, and then decide if he fits into your life.

Don’t change who you are to accommodate a man.

Focus on your overall health

Your appearance shouldn’t be the first consideration when you’re trying to lose weight. It’s your emotional and physical health that’s most important. How do you feel when you’re overweight, out of breath, and embarrassed to see photos of yourself? Instead of thinking about your weight in terms of your boyfriend, focus on your health and wellness.

Build self-esteem outside of your relationship

True, that our love relationship has a direct effect on how we feel about ourselves. But to be happy and healthy, we need to build a strong sense of self outside of our boyfriends, husbands, and marriages. We need to know AND LIKE who we are whether or not we are loved by a man or in a relationship.

What do you think – will your boyfriend or husband still love you if you gain weight?

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Marriage isn’t something you get, it’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day. – Barbara de Angelis.

4 thoughts on “Will You Love Me If I Gain Weight?”

  1. Dear Julie,

    Thank you for being here! I love your advice, and am very happy because it sounds like you are comfortable with who you are and what your body looks like. Yay! :-)

    Boyfriends who make comments about their girlfriends’ weight and appearance are not accepting their girlfriends for who they are. There is a balance between loving concern for your partner’s health — I encourage my husband to do yoga with me a few times a week, and we help each other eat healthy — and being critical about appearance.

    Thank you for popping in, Julie! It’s great to hear from you.

    Stay true to you,

  2. I agree with the comments about being concerned for your partner’s health, either if they gain too much weight or, at the other end of the spectrum, lose too much. However having been on the receiving end of jibes and “jokes” about my body and appearance from family and my now ex-boyfriend, I am almost hyper-aware of criticism and if I have another relationship, I will watch out for any negative remarks about my body and appearance at the start, I think they are huge red flags and should not be ignored. By the way, I am a healthy UK size 12 with DD boobs and I keep fit and look pretty darned good and I had a partner tell me I had batwing arms, breasts which weren’t quite so firm anymore and they used to be great, a fat tummy, a fat a@@… I could go on. He used to say he was joking, worse still he would deny even having said anything at all! He wanted to marry me, but he’d joke about that as well. 90% of the time the relationship was pretty good, if I ignored the 10% of the time which was verbally and emotionally abusive. Oh that and his endless checking out of any relatively young and attractive woman in my presence. When choosing who to marry, we must be very careful that we don’t ignore these red flags…

  3. Thank you Alinka, I couldn’t have said it better! I appreciate your encouragement so much, and hope all women who are worried and scared they won’t be loved if they gain weight read your words.

  4. You deserve so much better! A husband is supposed to make you feel wonderful “for better and for worse”! What you’ve got there is not husband material. Love and accept yourself and then you will find a match that will love and accept you just the way you do. In relationships, we get what we think we deserve.

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