Weight gain can break up a relationship. Here’s how to cope with your boyfriend’s disappointing answer to the question, “Will you love me if I’m overweight?”
These tips are inspired by a reader’s comment about love and weight gain on 10 Signs of a Bad Relationship:
“My fiance and I are to get married next year, but I doubt whether he loves me. :( His mood has changed, he’s withdrawn and often silent. We have had many many arguments and discussions about my weight. I gained 3 stone (about 36 pounds) when I quit cigarettes and then I lost it. He said I looked fabulous when I lost weight. Unfortunately, I have gained about 1 stone (12 pounds). He can go in a sulk if I eat a chocolate bar… is this normal? He is sensitive, helpful, kind, generous, thoughtful and loving. I love him SO SO much. BUT WILL THIS WEIGHT ISSUE KILL OUR RELATIONSHIP IN THE FUTURE? What if I gain weight while pregnant? I’m so worried and freaked out. I am not in a good place, my self-esteem is rock bottom and I can’t stop crying. Help!”
If your boyfriend or husband makes comments about your weight – or if you actually have arguments about weight gain – then you have reason to believe that he won’t want to stay in a relationship if you are overweight. He may still love you, but not be attracted to you. I’m sorry to say that, I feel sad for my reader…but I believe their arguments about her weight won’t simply disappear when they get married.
Here are a few tips on coping with a boyfriend or husband who is upset about your weight.
Recognize the difference between health concerns versus vanity
Is your boyfriend is concerned about you gaining weight because of related health issues (eg, diabetes, thyroid problems, fertility issues, etc)? Or, does he want you to be slim because he isn’t attracted to curvy or overweight women?
This is an important distinction to make – and you need to be honest with yourself about what you really believe your boyfriend cares about.
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The bottom line is this question: “Will you still love me if I gain weight?” If he loves you no matter how much you weigh, then he’ll want you to be at a healthy weight for your own sake.
Let your relationship unfold naturally
Maybe you’ll always struggle with your weight – maybe your natural BMI (body mass index) is slightly higher than average. Maybe you’re a curvy, buxom woman. Some women are naturally lean, others are rounded and bouncy.
A huge part of being in a healthy love relationship is acceptance. We need to accept ourselves for who we are (while always striving to grow!), and we need to accept our partners for who they are (while gently encouraging growth, too). It’s a fine balance: self-acceptance/self-love and growth.
If you and your boyfriend can’t accept you the way you are right now, then maybe you’re not meant to be together. I know this is heartbreaking, and I’m sorry. But it’s better to find out the truth now, before you’re married with kids.
If you’re scared of his answer to the question, Will you love me if I’m overweight?, maybe it’s a sign you’re not meant to be together. Or, maybe it’s something you and he can work out together – with the help of a professional counselor. Maybe he needs to figure out why he’s so opposed to your weight gain.
Accept that some boyfriends won’t accept overweight girlfriends
I wrote When Your Girlfriend Gains Weight and You’re Not Attracted to Her because a few men commented on one of my articles about weight gain. Some guys just do not want to be with a woman who is overweight. That’s who they are.
Is your boyfriend one of those guys who can’t be with a woman who is curvy or obese? Then either you need to start dieting right now, or let him go. I encourage you to figure out who you are as a woman, and then decide if he fits into your life.
Don’t change who you are to accommodate a man.
Focus on your overall health
Your appearance shouldn’t be the first consideration when you’re trying to lose weight. It’s your emotional and physical health that’s most important. How do you feel when you’re overweight, out of breath, and embarrassed to see photos of yourself? Instead of thinking about your weight in terms of your boyfriend, focus on your health and wellness.
Build self-esteem outside of your relationship
True, that our love relationship has a direct effect on how we feel about ourselves. But to be happy and healthy, we need to build a strong sense of self outside of our boyfriends, husbands, and marriages. We need to know AND LIKE who we are whether or not we are loved by a man or in a relationship.
What do you think – will your boyfriend or husband still love you if you gain weight?
Marriage isn’t something you get, it’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day. – Barbara de Angelis.