He says he loves you, but what if you gain weight and can’t lose it? Will your boyfriend still be attracted to you if you’re heavier than before? Happily married women have the same question. Will my husband still love me if I can’t lose the pregnancy weight I gained?
I was inspired to write this article by a reader. She’s worried about her boyfriend’s reaction to her recent weight gain. They’re getting married soon, and she is freaked out by how he’s dealing with her eating habits.
“My fiance and I are getting married next year, but I doubt whether he loves me,” says Sara on 6 Weight Loss Tips From a Happily Married – Finally Thin! – Woman. “His mood has changed, he’s withdrawn and often silent. We have had many many arguments and discussions about my weight. I gained about 36 pounds when I quit smoking and then I lost it. He said I looked fabulous when I lost weight. Unfortunately, I have gained about 12 pounds. He can go in a sulk if I eat a chocolate bar… is this normal? He is sensitive, helpful, kind, generous, thoughtful and loving. I love him SO SO much. BUT HE STILL LOVE ME IF I GAIN MORE WEIGHT? WILL BEING OVERWEIGHT KILL OUR RELATIONSHIP IN THE FUTURE? What if I gain weight while pregnant? I’m so worried and freaked out. I am not in a good place, my self-esteem is rock bottom and I can’t stop crying. Help!”
She hit the nail on the head when she said that her self-esteem is low. Her self-image depends on her boyfriend and how he sees her. If he rejects her – if her boyfriend says he doesn’t love her because she’s “too fat” – then her life will be shattered.
There is no pain like the crushing wound of being rejected by someone you love. When your boyfriend or husband criticizes your weight, isn’t attracted to you, or even calls you fat or obese…your heart breaks and your self-esteem plummets.
How to Cope When He’s Not Attracted to You Because of Your Weight
Like it or not, your weight affects your relationship with your boyfriend or your marriage with your husband. Your appearance affects how he sees you. He still loves you – and even cherishes you – but he sees you differently. I know this because of the guys who comment on How to Deal With Your Girlfriend’s Weight Gain.
But this doesn’t mean you should lose weight to please your husband or boyfriend. Your weight isn’t about him or how he feels about you; your size, shape, fitness level and health is about you. Even if he loves you more because you’re overweight (some men like women with lots of curves!), you need to feel happy and healthy in your own body.
Get physically and emotionally healthy
Maybe your husband is concerned about you gaining weight because of related health issues (eg, diabetes, thyroid problems, fertility issues, etc). Maybe your boyfriend is worried about loving you but not being attracted to you, or even being attracted to other women. Maybe he’s worried about what his friends think about him with an overweight girlfriend.
Set his opinions, perspective, motivations and thoughts aside. Focus on your own emotional and physical health. Are you happy? Do you feel energized, alive, vibrant, whole and centered? You need to find joy and peace in yourself no matter what your boyfriend thinks or what your husband says.
Build your identity outside of your relationship
Don’t fall into the trap – like I did – of asking him the no-win, unanswerable question: “Will you still love me if I gain weight?” This is like asking your boyfriend if his friends think you’re fat, or asking your husband if you’re prettier than your girlfriends.
Let your husband or boyfriend be. Just let him be who he is. And, let yourself be who you are. Let go of the comparisons, fears, worries and anxieties. Work on your identity as a child of God, a woman with strengths and weaknesses. You are so good; God created you on purpose and is watching over you with love! But you aren’t perfect. If you can accept yourself for who you are, your boyfriend will do the same. If you can love yourself for who God created you to be, your husband will do the same.
Allow your relationship to unfold naturally
You have enough to worry about, don’t you? Maybe you have kids, a job, friends, financial concerns, aging parents, health issues, environmental worries…don’t borrow trouble by allowing yourself to freak out about things that may or may not be in your control tomorrow. Focus on today. What do you need to take care of today? How can you strengthen yourself, your relationship, your place in this world? That’s where your attention should be.
Maybe your boyfriend won’t love you if you gain weight…but maybe he will! Maybe your husband won’t be attracted to you if you can’t lose the weight you gained while pregnant with his third child…and maybe he will! Learn how to overcome doubt and insecurity in your relationship. Find and practice ways to get spiritually healthy so you can let your life – and your relationship or marriage – unfold naturally.
Consider these questions about your weight
How does your weight affect how you feel about yourself? If you’re overweight and married, how does your size affect your marriage? If you’re underweight and married (like I am), how does your shape affect how you feel about yourself?
The most important thing is your health – emotionally, spiritually, and physically. If you are truly grounded as a child of God who knows who she is and what she was created to do, then what people think about your weight is meaningless. I know this is easier to say than actually practice, but it does get easier. And soon you won’t be asking, “Will he still love me if I gain weight?” You’ll be more focused on “Do I have enough energy to get through the day? Stay focused at work, passionate about my dreams, peaceful through the problems?”
What do you think? Your comments – big and little – are welcome below.