Finding the answer to the question, “Why don’t you love me?” can help you move on. Here’s what I learned and how I coped when two people I love told me they don’t love me anymore. My tips are inspired by a new love I found – a love that is powerful, never-ending, and peace-giving!
Is it possible that you ARE loved, but you and your boyfriend speak different “love languages”? Read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts to find out. Gary Chapman describes how the things that say “I love you” seem to either not get said or not get through. This book is about saying I love you – and hearing how your partner expresses love – clearly. No gimmicks. No psychoanalyzing. Just learning to express love in your partner’s language. This is a good book for anyone who is confused about love in their relationship.
In How to Let Go of Someone You Love, I describe how I healed after my sister said she didn’t want me in her life anymore. I didn’t ask why she doesn’t love me because I know she does. I know she loves me deeply, and she always will. I know she thinks about me, and I know she misses me. But I also know that there is something in her that is pulling her away from me. It’s not my business to speculate why she doesn’t want to speak to me anymore – it’s actually a waste of my time and energy to obsess about her! If you’re spending your time wondering why someone doesn’t love you, take heart. Find freedom! Here’s how I healed…
Why Doesn’t He Love You?
Instead of dwelling on why he doesn’t love you, start thinking about why you are so heartbroken about this loss. Turn it around, think about it differently. Remember that you can’t change the people you love – you may even have a difficult time changing yourself! It’s a waste of time to dwell on the motivations and actions of others.
You can’t make him love you. And, you may never find out why he doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved. But, you can find ways to be happy even if you never learn why he don’t love you anymore.
Here, I share what helped me move on after two people told me they don’t love me anymore. The second person who doesn’t love me was one of my closest friends for about 15 years. It was devastating to lose him. But, that experience taught me that asking why he doesn’t love me isn’t valuable.
Why can’t you accept that his feelings for you may not be love?
Acceptance is a process. It takes time to learn to live without someone you love. And, it’s important to know that you will probably always feel a sliver in your heart when you wonder “why don’t you love me?” So, instead of asking that question, you might turn it around.
Can you accept that he doesn’t love you? I had a really hard time accepting that my sister doesn’t want me in her life anymore. She’s my only family. I feel like an orphan now. We grew up without a father, our mom suffers with schizophrenia, and we have no other relatives. It’s always painful to find out someone doesn’t love you anymore, but it’s worse when it’s family.
If you don’t think you can ever be happy without knowing why he don’t love you, read How to Accept That He Doesn’t Love You.
Is it true that he doesn’t love you?
This is an important question! I believe it is NOT true that my sister and my close friend don’t love me. I know they do love me, in fact. But they don’t want me to be part of their lives. Maybe this is worse! I know they love me, but they don’t want to be with me. They can’t be with me for their own reasons. I will never know for sure what those reasons are, partly because they aren’t telling me and partly because I suspect they don’t fully know their own reasons for rejecting me.
Is it true that your boyfriend doesn’t love you? Probably not. He probably DOES love you…but he can’t be with you. People and relationships are complicated, and it’s possible that he can’t be with you because of his own emotional baggage. I believe that about my sister and my close friend. There are things going on in them that hold them back from being with me. Of course, there are also things in ME that are stopping them from being with me! I didn’t do anything “wrong” – it’s just that for some reason our personalities, values, beliefs, lifestyles, etc aren’t compatible.
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That may not answer the “why doesn’t he love me?” question, but it can bring peace.
Why doesn’t he love you?
The heart has its reasons that reason cannot know. – Blaise Pascal.
Dump this question. First, it’s not true – my sister and friend love me, and I bet your boyfriend loves you. So you need to shift your thinking from why he doesn’t love you to how you can heal and be happy without him.
The second reason to dump this question is that you’ll never discover the answer by thinking about it, obsessing about it, talking to your friends about it, and searching the internet for “why don’t you love me?” It’s an unanswerable question. Don’t waste your valuable time and energy trying to figure out stuff that have no answers.
If you and your boyfriend or husband broke up, read What to Do After a Breakup – Emotional Healing. Don’t dwell on the question of why he don’t love you. Instead, start working towards healing your heart and soul.
Dip into a source of love that is incredible and inspirational
At the beginning of this article, I said my tips are inspired by a new love I found – a love that is powerful, never-ending, and peace-giving! It’s not human love. It’s not a boyfriend or husband (though I am happily married). The love that has filled my heart and soul, the love that has helped me stop asking “why doesn’t he love me?” when I think of my sister and my close friend, is God’s love.
Recently, I learned how God sees me. He sees me as a little girl, with curly ribbons and bouncy pig tails, full of enthusiasm and innocence! I am a precious child to Him, and He loves me deeply, passionately, and eternally. When I dip into His river of love and life, it doesn’t matter to me who here on earth loves me or doesn’t love me. I accept the people who are in my life, and I let go of the people who aren’t. They matter, but I’m not obsessed with how they feel about me. Receiving their love would be awesome, but not having their love in my life isn’t devastating.
God is amazing. How does He see you? Close your eyes for a moment. Picture yourself as God sees you. What do you see? Who are you to Him? Can you feel how much He loves you?
I welcome your comments on why he doesn’t love you, but I can’t offer relationship advice or counseling. Writing about your experience might help you feel better, though – especially if you write your answers to the questions I asked above. You might also find How to Emotionally Detach From Someone You Care About helpful.
May you find the love of God. May His love, compassion, power, grace, and faith fill your heart and soul. May you always feel loved no matter who is in your life!
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If you need relationship help, get Mort Fertel's 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage - and FREE advice, no strings attached.