A reader asked why her boyfriend doesn’t love her the way she loves him. She asked for help knowing what to do and taking the next step in her life…
“We both caused great pain to each other and our relationship is probably broken, but I keep hanging on,” she says on When You’re in Love With Someone Scared of Love. “I give him alot of love and affection and want it back so badly, but don’t seem to be receiving it. He has hit me and kicked me. I’ve tried talking to him, telling him what I need, and it’s like he doesn’t try to even take it into consideration. I so badly want his love that it’s killing me inside. I’m pregnant with his child, and it’s something he’s said he wanted numerous times, but now he talks about terminating it. He says he still loves me, but I feel like he is staying with me because he’s comfortable. I’m really hurting and I feel alone.”
She adds that her friends and family don’t want to give her advice because they want her to leave him. I did give her four pieces of advice below…but really I think she should read How to Make a Decision That Will Change Your Life. If you’re wondering why your boyfriend or husband doesn’t love you the way you love him, learn how to make good decisions. You’ll never regret taking control of your life and moving forward in power and strength!
My reader also said that there are good times in her relationship that nobody else sees. “I just want to be loved,” she says. “I don’t know who to turn to anymore or the next step to take. I really appreciate any advice and criticism.”
Why Doesn’t He Love You the Way You Love Him?
You may never find the answer to this question. Maybe he’s emotionally damaged, and unable to love. Maybe he’s scared, or sick, or shallow. Maybe he just doesn’t want to commit himself to you. Maybe he just doesn’t love you, and there is no reason why.
I don’t know why he doesn’t love you the way you love him, but I have a question for you:
Why are you hanging on to a man who has been in jail, has addiction issues, and doesn’t treat you with love or respect? I wish you would learn about leaving abusive relationships – and listen to that still, small voice who is urging you to be free and happy!
In your comment, you mentioned a couple of times that you want to be loved, you need affection. That’s normal and healthy – we all want love and affection. We all want to be loved. But, not all of us allow ourselves to fall in love with men who don’t love us back. Yes, we have control over who we love.
Focus inward – not on him
Instead of focusing on him, I encourage you to try to figure out why you’re allowing this man to treat you like this. You’re like a dog being kicked over and over – and you go back for more.
And, you KNOW you’re doing the wrong thing by staying with him and wanting him to love you, because you said that your friends are tired of giving you advice that you don’t take. And, you said in your comment that you’d even welcome criticism from me.
Figure out what you’re scared of
What are you getting out of this relationship?
Dr Phil always says that there’s a payoff for everything we do. You’re staying with a guy who doesn’t love you the way you love him…and you’re getting something out of it. Maybe you think you deserve to be treated like crap, so you stay with him to keep getting punished. Maybe you’re scared of living up to your full potential. Maybe you’ve always been told that you’re not lovable, so you think he’s the best you can do.
Part of me wonders if you like the attention you get from staying with a man who doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved. What is the payoff for staying, and what scares you about leaving? Are you gaining something from the way he treats you? Attention, sympathy, shoulders to cry on…but now your friends are withdrawing all that because it’s been going on for too long.
You asked for my advice, so here it is:
- Call a domestic violence helpline.
- Join a women’s support group.
- Talk to a counselor – learn what you’re getting out of this relationship.
- Learn what love really is, and why you “love” a guy who treats you like dirt.
Think about where you want to be in a year from now. If you stay with this guy, you’ll be drowning in the same problems – and you’ll have a baby in your arms.
Read How to Keep the Faith When Love Hurts – because you need to know that you can and will find love again!
I welcome your thoughts on what to do when he doesn’t love you…but I really believe the best thing is to let him go. Move forward in your life! Create a meaningful, happy existence that doesn’t depend on the love of one guy.
Your thoughts are welcome below! I don't give advice, but you can get free relationship help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.
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