Painful words: I love him, but he doesn’t want me. What do you do when you can’t stop loving a man who doesn’t care? Here are a few tips for women and unrequited love…
“Sometimes I fight with myself to not text him or call him,” says A. on My Husband Left Me for Another Woman – 6 Breakup Survival Tips. “But after a day of waiting I can’t seem to fight it and I give in and text. Sometimes he responds quickly, other times slowly or not at all. I feel like my life is going backwards instead of forward. Friends who were single are now happy and in relationships or starting their own family and mine is ending! I feel so old to be single and with four children! I’ve tried to look up women’s groups to mingle with or other groups in my area only to find there is nothing other then dating websites.”
In short: get a life! You need to distract yourself by doing fun things and creating a life you love. Not only will this help you forget what’s-his-name who doesn’t want you, it’ll make you more attractive, sexy, and interesting…and he might end up wanting you back after all.
If you want him back – if you absolutely must do everything possible to win his heart – read books like Make Every Man Want You: How to Be So Irresistible You’ll Barely Keep from Dating Yourself!
Stop the Breakup – Get Your Ex Back is a bestselling resource for women who can’t stop loving men who don’t want them back.
But I think it’s better to do what you can to move on, get a life, and recreate yourself as a woman…
When You Can’t Stop Loving a Man Who Doesn’t Want You
Here’s what Tina says – she’s another woman who just can’t stop loving her ex:
“It’s been 18 years since we last spoke and I have not been able to close the door since! I was 17 when he went into the service (Army). I was lonely and found company with another guy, and by doing this I lost the love of my life. I can’t seem to get him out of my mind, the ‘what could have been’ if I didn’t mess our relationship up. How do I close the door? I’m married with three children but am locked in the past. How do I get out? I’ve thought many times about calling my lost love’s parents to check on him but I don’t…I just don’t know what to do to move on COMPLETELY!”
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Maybe we never completely move on. Maybe the people we’ve loved and lost take a little piece of us when they leave – pieces of our heart that we never recover.
But there’s a difference between a memory of lost love, and not being able to let go and move on. If you’re like Tina and haven’t been able to let go for years or even decades, you might need a bootcamp-style kick in the pants!
Stop mourning what could have been…focus on reality
When we look back on our lost love, we think of how perfect it could’ve been: nights of sweet passionate love, honest communication, perfect kids, deep conversations, complete understanding of one another. Bliss! We certainly don’t think of relationships or marriage realistically.
In reality, love involves misunderstandings, disagreements, hurt feelings from long ago, and real or misperceived slights. Love is not perfect or easy – which is why divorce lawyers are busy busy busy! Who knows if you and your ex could have been happily married for 40 years? Not you. Maybe you would’ve lasted a year or two, or maybe ten.
There’s no point in pining over a relationship that never existed – that maybe never stood a chance in hell of succeeding! Tina spent 18 years conjuring up the perfect man and the perfect marriage. She can’t stop loving this man because she’s holding on to something that’s not real, that never existed.
Remember that you are supposed to role model what strong healthy women do
“Several of my female clients are dramatically affected by the thought that their marriage/relationship is what their daughter will think is normal,” says licensed social worker Dan Martin. “The reminder that they are responsible for role-modeling appropriate behavior – whether they want to or not – is often an eye-opener. They bristle at the idea of their daughter being in a relationship like the one they’re in; this usually pushes them towards action. They realize their daughters will want to be like them.”
If you don’t have daughters, ask yourself if your marriage – and who you were in that relationship – is how you want to be remembered. Do you want people to remember you as the woman who couldn’t stop loving a man who didn’t return her love?
Figure out what you get from playing the victim
“Generally, I don’t go for hard-core healing, as each loss has its own process and takes its own time,” says clinical psychologist Pat Webster, co-author of Winning at Love: The Alpha Male s Guide to Relationship Success. “However, if it is 20 (or even five) years later and you’re still whining, and crying and avoiding life, you might want to take a look at your own character structure. What are you gaining, and avoiding, by keeping yourself in a victim mode? Staying a victim is one sure way to avoid living a full life, with all its challenges and rewards.”
Sometimes women can’t stop loving men who don’t want them because it’s familiar, or they get sympathy. Or, they use their pain to protect themselves from risking their hearts again. They’re hiding.
Dwell on the worst parts of the relationship
“Make a list of all the benefits of breaking up,” says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., author of the bestselling book A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness. “You don’t have to spend time with his crazy family, you get to sleep in on Sundays instead of going to church with him, you can flirt with your cute coworker without feeling guilty, you can take that salsa dance class he always refused to try….so often we think of all negatives after a breakup. But there are definitely positives. Write them down and read them over – daily!”
Be a grown up – get a life!
“Go look in the mirror…are you living the life you want for yourself? If not, who do you think will clean up the emotional wreck that you are right now?” asks family mediator and counselor Terry McGeehan, founder of Sage River Wellness. “You’re an adult, so act like one. How many times will you throw away your time, energy and love on this man? How many times are going get on this same old ride? This is your life, and you have one shot at it. You can stay in the same relationship and be unhappy because you ‘love’ him. Or you can trust in something greater and LET GO! Grow up!”
Take responsibility for yourself, the quality of your relationships and the state of your life. Maybe this means doing everything you can to stop loving a man who doesn’t want you.
Here are two directions you could go in:
If you still want to get him back, read Can You Make Him Fall in Love With You? 6 Ways to Enchant a Man.
But if you want to move on, read Getting Over the Pain of an Unexpected Divorce – A Few Tips.
What do you think – can you stop loving a man who doesn’t want you?