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When You Can’t Get Over Your Ex

You tried everything to get over your ex, and nothing works. Here’s a list of things that help most people get over their exes, and a few things to try when nothing else works.

letting go of the pastI wrote 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love for people just like you, who can’t get over their ex boyfriends, ex girlfriends, ex husbands or ex wives. It’s a process that isn’t easy – but if you learn what help others heal, you will find healing yourself.

These tips are inspired by a reader who says: “I’ve tried everything under the sun but I’m still stuck in the same place. I find myself thinking about my ex all the time. And when I can’t stand it any longer and I feel like I’m at the breaking point, I contact him. And I know I shouldn’t and I know I’m undoing all the progress I’ve made. But the reason I contact him is because I feel if I don’t I will literally lose my mind.”

Nooo….don’t contact your ex, especially when you’re at the breaking point! You’re desperate, vulnerable, needy, and weak. That’s the very worst time to contact your ex.

In Starting Over After Your Relationship Ends, this reader described several ways she tried to get over her ex. Here they are – they’re awesome!

Good ways to cope when you can’t get over your ex:

  • See a therapist
  • Attend an autogenic training course that involves daily meditation as well as emotional and physical rewiring
  • Exercise regularly
  • Eat a healthy diet
  • Make new friends
  • Take up new hobbies
  • Change your career
  • Fill your house with affirmations and positive quotes
  • Read self-help books

But none of that worked. So what does she do now, when she tried everything to get over her ex?

Get to the root of the problem

When you can’t get over your ex, there’s something at the root of your inability to heal and move on with your life. I don’t know what that is – and I suspect you don’t know either, or you don’t want to face it. Maybe you don’t feel worthy to be loved by someone else, or you’re scared to set yourself up to get hurt again. Maybe you feel like you’re damaged or broken, or too weak to embark on a new relationship.

Here’s an article that may help: 5 Reasons It’s So Hard to Get Over a Breakup.

Get your priorities straight

Perhaps this reader’s answer is in her comment…

When You Can’t Get Over Your Ex

When You Can’t Get Over Your Ex (image by FindYourSearch, via Flickr)

“All this is aggravated by the fact that my mom has just been diagnosed with cancer,” says this reader. “My intention is to go and take care of her during her radiation therapy and I know this will probably help me get over my ex. But, I’m terribly worried that it’ll also be so hard and my mind will wander right back to my ex.”

Your breakup was heartbreaking, but it doesn’t compare to being diagnosed with cancer and undergoing chemotherapy treatments. You need to set your own pain aside and be there for your mom. You need to learn how to live in the moment, and stop obsessing about the past. You need to be a grownup, and put your feelings on the back burner while you take care of your mother.

You need to focus on what matters in your life right now – and your ex is not what matters. Practice being in the moment, and letting go of the future and past.

You might be interested in reading 10 Reasons Why Breaking Up is Hard to Do.

What do you think about these tips for when you can’t get over your ex? I welcome your thoughts below, but I can’t offer advice.

Are you struggling with your relationship? Get free help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.


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3 thoughts on “When You Can’t Get Over Your Ex”

  1. You’re welcome, Viki – thanks for being here. I’ve never heard of autogenic training, but it sounds like it helped you!

    I wish I had a therapist. I was in counseling for several months, but this was about 10 years ago. I often think I should go get an emotional tune-up, and talk through my issues. The healthier I am, the better able I’ll be to help others :-)

    I’m glad you’re working through your stuff — you’re getting stronger and healthier! Good for you.


  2. Dear Laurie!

    Thanks so much for the special attention. I guess my case is one of those that screams “realign yourself girl!” One of these days I’m actually going to heed the advice I’m given and make some real changes. I also know that moving thousands of miles away from what has been my home for the last 10 years will be a real eye opener.

    My greatest fear I guess is that my mom and I have had some really difficult times but I found the autogenic training really helped me see her side and the stuff she’s going through. She a child at heart and in times of stress and difficulty she returns to that inner child. But as I discussed with my therapist I need to be really clear about the boundaries between us. These are the same boundary issues that contributed to the demise of my relationship. Now’s the time to reform my bad habits.