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When to End a Relationship

It’s not easy to know when to end a relationship, especially when you hope things will change. You wish you could go back to the way your relationship was when you first got together, but deep in your heart you know that’s impossible.

when to end a relationshipGetting emotionally and spiritually healthy is the most important thing you can do. Books like Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours by Daphne Rose Kingma will help you take a step back and look at your relationship objectively. You’ll gain strength by learning why relationships end and how to cope with a breakup, separation, or divorce.

I can’t tell you when you should end a relationship, but I want to share a few important insights and tips from a reader. His mom’s friend is in an abusive relationship, and he has learned so much. His objective perspective on when to end a relationship might help you see your boyfriend more clearly.

Knowing When to End a Relationship

In 13 Ways to Get Money to Leave Your Husband, a male reader offered lots of good advice on ending a relationship. Here are his most important tips – I edited them a little, but did not change his overall meaning.

Recognize when you’re being bullied

It’s never your fault if a man is bullying you or pushing you around. You did not bring it on yourself, no matter what he says. The first step of ending a relationship is getting out of his physical proximity.

A bully’s energy grows when he makes you feel bad. To stop him from getting stronger – and you from getting weaker – you need to get away from him. Detach yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially, and even online. Take a few days, weeks, or even months and separate yourself from him. Give yourself a chance to see your relationship from a distance. This will help you know when to end a relationship, and might even show you how to end a relationship with someone you love.

Learn how bullies take control and overpower people

You might feel paralyzed because he controls and manipulates you. Maybe he wakes you in the night, calls you horrible names, sells your stuff, takes all your money. Sometimes we get trapped in the cycle of abuse – because most of us have never learned how to cope with abuse in a relationship in healthy ways.

Seek help

My reader said his mom’s friend went to the library where there was free internet. That’s where she started her search on when to end a relationship. Through talking to people – and being honest about the abuse she was dealing with – she met more and more people who could help her.

“She got out a little bit into the world, even though she just wanted to curl up into a ball,” says my reader. “She took small steps, talking to people, listening. You never know what social contact is going to bring. We don’t know what is going to happen, but the static situation of daily bullying is going to change.”

Know you are not alone

This may be the first time you need to know when to end a relationship, but other strong women have gone ahead of you! Maybe you’ve been suffering in this relationship for a long time, but it’s still your first time. Get help from experts who have seen a thousand women in this situation, and who helped them know when to end a relationship. Learn what options you have. Believe you will find something that is better than the relationship you’re dealing with now.

Find allies

advice ending a relationship

When to End a Relationship

This advice on when to end a relationship is straight from my reader: “Screw ‘The Secret’ and other diluted spiritual nonsense. And don’t go through your garbage looking for coke cans (to find money to leave your relationship). Get to the internet, find a professional, and tell people who are around you that this is the path you are on. You will find allies.”

You might have to fight to make contact with someone, especially if you feel like you are the most isolated being on the planet. Pick up the slightest tiniest spiritual reserve you have, that bit of courage you would use to save someone helpless and powerless, and use it to fight for yourself.

If you’re still not sure when to end a relationship, read How to Decide When to Leave a Relationship.

Learn where your energy comes from

Some people draw energy from being skilled at an art form or being an expert in their field. Some get energy from feeling connected with everyone and seeing how precious life is. Some get energy from calming their mind and conquering their emotions. Some people feel energised by helping others. Some get energy by making others laugh, or even just a smile. Some people just feel good by making their small corner as happy as it can be, in this scared and greedy world.

I get energy from connecting with God. I believe in the strength, power, freedom, and love of Jesus. That’s how I cope with every problem I have – and I’ve had lots of pretty bad problems! Where do you get energy and strength? Go there. Run, don’t walk!

If you are living with someone who is getting energy from making you feel bad, then get professional help now. He will get stronger as you get weaker, so the time to fight back is right now.

I welcome your thoughts on when to end a relationship. I can’t offer personal advice or counseling, but I can listen. It may help you to share your experience, emotions, and plans for your future.

Are you struggling with your relationship? Get free help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.

May you find peace as you think about ending your relationship.

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5 thoughts on “When to End a Relationship”

  1. I need help, I am Maried to someone who allows his ex-wife to consistently email him her feelings about me. Her email is nothing but disrespectful of my being as his new wife of 3 years. This psycho ex wife of his never did like me from day 1. She used Thier grown 3 children as her way to consistently seek my husbands attention. I have not done anything wrong to her other than being neutral to her. As a matter of fact, I have been more supportive of Thier current problem with Thier Heroine addict son who used to live with us but because of his disrespectful behavior and all, his dad ask him to moved out. This was the beginning of our marriage turmoil. Because of this his wife now have a reason to use these problem against me and that I drove Thier 27 year old son into becoming homeless. She emails my husband with nasty stuff about me when she hardly know me. I ask my husband to please stop the negativity from her for I’m not going to take crap from her. My husband did nothing and long story short I filed divorce. Not once but twice I cancelled this pending divorce for he beg me to give our marriage a chance with his promise to never allowing his Jealous/angry ex wife get in our marriage ever again. Thier children are grown with Thier own families but tonight I found another disrespectful email after he promised me that he will stand up for me if she ever disrespect me ever again. I’ve done all I can to work this marriage, we’re currently on counseling but I’m really just done with his in action and not standing up for me to his ex wife never ending insults. My mind tells me it’s never going to end, I’m not only dealing with his heroine son but also a psycho ex wife who I’m beginning to think that my husband is actually enjoying her attention. I know that I should moved on if I don’t want to be a part of these never ending drama with my husband but obviously I still care about our marriage but my question is? Is this worth it? Or should I end it? Please help?

  2. Thank you – I’m glad you found this article on when to end a relationship encouraging! I will keep you in my prayers, that you find peace, joy, happiness, and serenity in your new life. May you keep finding sources of encouragement and love.


  3. I am so encouraged by this site. I am in situation now where God has took him away from me. what I mean by that is i was so in love with him, I paid for everything, I loved him so I wanted to help him. But his abuses, and manipulations, I couldn’t live anymore, even I ran back to him ( my own fricken home I paid the rent. He claimed that was his home. He lecture me home isn’t just pay the rent. In last final months. so I ran back and forward from my family to frients home. Believe me this was many attempt to break up with him. His interrogations last only a day until we have sex, cycle everyday. Finally, he got in trouble with the law, he called me with the fear thinking police is looking for him, he hearing stuff too. He act out as if he is secret agency. I called his stupid games. He doesn’t work, he has low self-esteem, he live roll play delusional fantasy games with me I think. English is my second language, I speak well, but sometime I have miss understanding stuff. He uses that to manipulate me. Now I think about those days, I knew from start that he was a bit odd. That unsettle feeling. He suppose leaving the town, even his children live here. He was from different state. He was good looking, very kind looking, and he was very fugal. He was funny. He makes me laugh, and he say romantic words like how he love me so much so he can’t help but making love to me. He cook very well enough my friends will say that was good enough to keep him. 3 years. Finally his gone to different state. I was still contacting him. I missed him. Even I put my adult daughter through anxiouty. She scare he will kill me. I tried to hide this from her, she quickly realized that I haven’t introduced him or I didn’t visit them when I tell her I would come certain hour, he had my car he would not let me go see my children. The abuse started up lightly in joking manner. He put me in cold shower. Push ed me in where I usually hate cold. After he said with smile on his face, wasn’t that fun? 2days after I met him he was ready to leave but he like to stay longer cuz he likes me. So I was making good money I offer him to pay for motel for a week. He starts to ask me we should have a place. I cant afford myself, but he assured me he doesn’t have problems with working. We met drinking so I didn’t know he was alcoholic. Anyways long story short. Today after I’m reading about this articles help me with my decision, helps me value myself, and how to cope. Thank you

  4. Hello Alana,

    Thank you for your comments – I’m glad you found the abuse article helpful. It’s so difficult to know when to end a relationship, even when you are with an abusive man. It’s hard to say good-bye and start over…but with great courage comes great rewards!


  5. I went to the link that took me to your link on abusive relationships and it was spot on, as far as two friends I’ve had who were in abusive relationships (one literally escaped with her life and lived out of her car). There are such complex psychological things at work in some of these relationships – I am grateful that my first serious relationship was never abusive, and I hope I am never caught in such a relationship.