How to Deal With Your Husband’s Toxic Ex-Wife

When you marry a man who has an ex wife, you marry his entire family – and sometimes his ex wife brings problems that seem impossible to deal with. These six tips for dealing with your husband’s ex wife may not solve every problem you’re facing, but they might help you transition more smoothly into your new marriage.

Searching for help online is a good way to learn how to deal with your husband’s ex wife, but reading articles won’t solve all your problems. You may find it helpful to read through the readers’ comments below. You’ll see you’re not alone, and perhaps find good ideas for coping with ex-families. I also encourage wives to read, read, and read some more! Remarriage is complex and emotional – which is why I recommend books such as The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family.

One of the most important tips on how to deal with your husband’s ex wife is to accept the things you cannot change. When you’re married to a man who has a family from before, you have to remember that there are some things you’ll never change. It’ll only hurt you and your husband if you focus or fixate on those issues.

Here’s what one wife said on How to Tell Your Ex You’re Getting Married about her stepchildren and her husband’s ex wife: “During our weekend visits with his kids I tried to change things, such as poor eating habits. Big mistake. It wasn’t my job. The biological mom was fine with how they ate. It wasn’t a ‘hill to die on,’ and the battle only created stress.”

Part of loving your husband is learning what kind of relationship you’ll have with his ex wife. That’s what these tips are all about: finding healthy ways to cope with your husband’s ex so she doesn’t destroy your marriage. For instance, what do you think about having lunch with your husband’s ex wife? It may sound inconceivable or even crazy…but what do you have to lose?

6 Ways to Deal With Problems Caused by Your Husband’s Ex-Wife

These tips on how to deal with your husband’s ex wife are not meant to solve serious relationship problems or teach you how to cope with an angry, bitter, or depressed woman. It would take more than a single blog post to solve the problems caused by your husband’s first marriage! These tips will get you started, though. At the end of the post I share a few resources for remarriages and stepfamilies.

Remember that how you deal with your husband’s ex wife will affect your marriage. That’s why my first tip is to try to create a bond with her – even though this is the one tip that most readers do not like at all.

1. Invite your husband’s ex wife out for coffee

One of the best ways to build a healthy remarriage is to get your husband’s ex wife on your side. It may sound foolish or even stupid, but what if you called her and told her you really do want what’s best for her children? Ask if she’s willing to meet you for coffee hour or so.

how to deal with husband's ex wife
How to Deal With Your Husband’s Ex-Wife

Consider telling your husband’s ex that you love her kids and want to learn more about them. Notice the good parts of how she’s raising them – she must have done something right over the years.

This tip for talking to your husband’s ex wife isn’t about being sneaky or pretending to like her. It’s about genuinely trying to connect with her. If you reach out with sincerity and grace, she may respond in kind. And who knows…maybe your husband’s ex wife will surprise you with a kind response.

2. Let your husband’s ex wife get to know you

If your husband’s ex is angry and bitter, it might help if she got to know who you are as a person. She may be less likely to criticize and hate you if she knows you. It’s incredibly easy to criticize people we don’t know, people we’re perhaps jealous of (after all, you’re married to her ex husband and her kids probably like you!).

Let her be angry, upset, and even bitter. Of course she’s an angry – her ex husband is remarried, and she has to share her children with a woman she never chose and may not even approve of! Remember that it’s more difficult to criticize people we know and like…so maybe if your husband’s ex wife got to know you better, she might ease up a little. You might not be able to change your husband’s ex wife, but being nice to her might help you deal with problems.

“Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb,” says relationship expert and author Barbara De Angelis. “It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your husband every day.” Connecting with your husband’s ex wife may be a practical and valuable way to love your husband and his children.

3. Tell your husband’s ex wife what she did and does right

Is your husband’s ex a good mother? Does she have a super clean or well-decorated house? Focus on what she does well, and tell her how much you admire that trait. You’re not trying to shmooze her or lie to her; you’re focusing on her positive qualities. Noticing what your husband’s ex wife does right — and telling her what she does right — might soften her, make her less angry or negative. Maybe you need to take the first step towards peace and friendship.

The added benefit of telling your husband’s ex wife what she does right or well is your own attitude toward her. If you deliberately focus on her positive qualities, your own heart will soften. You’ll find it easier to deal with problems if you actually like some things about your husband’s ex wife. This is especially important if you’re living with a difficult husband who treats you badly…you may find a friend in his ex wife!

4. Learn as much as you can about how to deal with ex wives

How to Deal With Your Husband’s Toxic Ex-Wife
“How to Deal With Your Husband’s Toxic Ex-Wife” image by accasperberry via DeviantArt

The more you learn about coping with angry, unreasonable people – and setting your boundaries – the easier it’ll be to deal with your husband’s ex wife. If you’ve worked with people, you know how challenging it can be to deal with bad moods, unreasonable demands, even mean people. Your husband’s ex wife may be all of that and more…which means you need to learn how to deal with problems people cause. This is for your own emotional health and well-being — as well as for your husband’s sanity and your marriage!

Do whatever it takes to make your remarriage successful: attend marriage workshops, read relationship books with your husband, go to family counseling. Learn how to cope with your own anger and frustration, and how to make the most of your new marriage. It may be unfair. It may be difficult, frustrating, and even aggravating. But, you may have to do most of the work when you’re dealing with problems caused by your husband’s ex wife.

5. Leave your stepchildren out of your marriage problems

No matter how angry his ex-wife is, or how frustrated or hurt you are, don’t involve your husband’s kids in the problems. The kids are (probably) innocent bystanders – and you’d be better off focusing on connecting with your step children instead of involving them in adult marriage and remarriage problems.

If you’re struggling with feelings of insecurity and low self-worth, read When You Don’t Feel Good Enough for Your Husband.

6. Forgive your husband for his past marriage (and choice of ex wife!)

Sometimes new wives get angry at their husbands because of the problems the ex wife is causing in their new marriage. Sometimes anger is warranted; sometimes it’s not. If you think your husband made a bad marriage choice in the past, deal with your resentment without taking it out on him or your relationship. Your husband was a different person when he met and married his first wife. So was she. Like it or not, your husband fell in love with her and wanted to marry her. Now you’re dealing with problems caused by your husband’s ex wife…but he didn’t do any of this on purpose.

Don’t make your husband pay for a decision he made years ago. He may already feel bad enough about the problems his ex wife is causing. Instead, accept your husband for who he is right now – and that includes his first marriage and his angry ex wife.

Help for Dealing With Your Husband’s Ex Wife

How to Deal With Your Husband’s Toxic Ex-Wife

The Girl’s Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace by Sally Bjornsen will help you cope with your husband’s toxic ex-wife – and other toxic family relationships – by showing you how to survive the holidays, custody, finances, and other complications of marrying a man who was married before.

Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family by Susan Wisdom and Jennifer Green will help you learn how to tailor your expectations of your husband and children. This book will help you remember that no family is perfect. You’ll learn how to set boundaries when you’re dealing with a hostile ex wife or a demanding stepchild, and realize why traits like flexibility, tolerance, forgiveness, and openness are especially essential in a stepfamily situation. This book will also give you practical tips for making “us” time for talking, problem-solving, weekends away, and enjoying your marriage to constantly renew and strengthen your bond as a couple.

Do you think your husband’s ex wife is absolutely impossible to deal with? Read the comments below – you’ll see you’re not alone. You’ll find inspiration and wisdom, issues and conundrums, and problems and solutions.

If you’re a Christian, take your problems to God. Jesus is the greatest healer and advocate; the Holy Spirit is a wise counselor and guide! Your heavenly Father is the source of all love, peace, healing, grace, joy and freedom…and He has answers to your “how do I deal with my husband’s ex wife?” questions. You might also consider talking to your pastor or a Christian counselor.

Are you getting marriage advice from your friends? Read 3 Signs of Godly Relationship Advice.

Your thoughts are welcome below! Feel free to share your story, or respond to other readers’ comments. Writing can bring clarity and insight, and help you untangle your thoughts and emotions.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

533 thoughts on “How to Deal With Your Husband’s Toxic Ex-Wife”

  1. To anonymous: You have whackadoodle going on only the new wife is the hot mess. You don’t know what he’s told her. I’m now divorced from the man whose ex wife intrusions led me to Google this site. He recently told his brother in law that he still loved his ex. So I’m done. She went off yesterday on a post I put on FB in 2013. She got told off by another person who had answered 6 years ago. Sorry you have crazy around your kids. When they get older they can refuse to see him. Why not see if the kids can stop based on he’s hurting her?

  2. Okay, I happened upon this site while trying to find information to assist my dilema with my ex. I read the 6 tips eagerly, because inspite of the fact that I am the ex, this may help me to understand and grasp issues in my situation. I feel so bad for some of these ladies, sincerely. I could not imagine what some of you go through. I can’t for the life of imagine anyone going through what I go through either, though. And just for a moment I want to share at least one ex wives side. Please use my information as you see fit. As I said I am the ex wife…the first wife. I left my ex quite a long time ago in the middle of the night with a baby, a toddler, and cuts, bruises, and a black eye. I had two bags, a car seat, and what little toys I could manage to grab quickly. That was almost 11 years ago. I barely survived my ex husband. Somehow he behaved enough to gain unsupervised visitations after 6 mos. of supervised ones. I was told he broke the cycle of violence and the court deemed him able to be unsupervised. During our divorce, my ex met his current wife. Usually this means that he is moving past a relationship. However, in this one he didn’t and won’t still to a point. He has sat outside my apartment, tried to break into my apartment, tried to harrass schools, chased me around my yard while my babysitter wrangled my kids to safety, and so much more. After 11 years you would think he would grow tired. Yes, he has changed…some. He is no longer chasing me around the yard, but, he still is consistently trying something. He wanted to get our children cell phones then bragged to them that he was putting tracking devices into them so he always knew where we are at. The kids refused them. He told me he will always love me(which I told him would never happen ever) I have short conversations with him only and only about the kids. I meet him in a public place for pick ups and drop offs, and I was the biggest cheer leader for the marriage to the second wife. Let me be honest, I felt if she was in the picture than it would make him spend less time fixated on me. Obviously, I don’t want him. I have gone out of my way to be nice to the new wife in hopes that she will love and protect my children like they were her own while they are with them. Instead, my children and I are met with animosity and open hostility from her. No this would not normally bother me if it was only focused on me. I have learned to be tough after all these years. I could not care less what she thinks or feels and I know her real issue isn’t my fault it’s her husbands. But, the kids are involved and they were hurt, then resentful, now they just hate both of them. And I am so exhausted from the years of craziness. He hasn’t changed who he is the kids came home after visitation and told me how worried they were about her because “dad hurt her.” and inspite of how much of a lunatic she has been I feel bad for her. She hasn’t left him and apparently has no intention to do so. She loves him….This is not my problem once again except my kids are involved. I can’t protect them from what happens in an environment that is choatic like this. I can’t even answer their questions. I can’t be involved at all because of who he is and let me be honest it is not my place. I am the ex.
    Not all ex wives are horrible. Some of us wish we could have a productive relationship with the step parent. Not all of us are trying to hurt the new relationship…I just want my kids safe. I am exhausted from the continual onslaught of manipulation, hostility, and just pure craziness coming from their direction. Some of us just want peace. The 6 steps to dealing with the ex sounds wonderful, unfortunately, there are some that are just too immature or screwed up.

  3. I have been with my husband for almost 9 years. I have a son from my first marriage and he has a daughter from his first marriage. The kids are both teenagers now. My son’s father pretty much disappeared when my husband and I moved in together, not seeing my son at all anymore. So, we have had my son 100% of the time while his daughter goes back and forth between her mom’s house and ours. She has always shown a ton of jealousy because my son and I live with her dad and she doesn’t. My husband has always told me that she has an “Electra complex”. Which I guess means that she is actually in love with him (weird!) and she has been like that since way before my son and I were around. The ex-wife feeds this by telling my step-daughter that when she is at our house, her dad should only be spending time with her. The ex-wife still sends my husband texts about memories of times that they spent together and how she still loves him. She contacts him for some reason or another pretty much everyday. She tells me that it is all my fault that her daughter and my husband are not as close as they were, even though she ruined their marriage by cheating on him. She tells me that her daughter hates me and my son. I have tried for years to make peace with both the ex-wife and my step-daughter. I always try to make sure my step-daughter feels like she is part of the family. I take her shopping for new school clothes, formal dresses, out to lunch, let her borrow my clothes… I try, but every time I turn around her and her mom are saying mean things and doing things to hurt me. I have built an emotional wall against them and I feel myself resenting my husband because I never had to deal with problems like this before I met him. I just wonder if I am going to feel like this forever… god, I hope not!

    1. Have you asked your husband to have a chat with his daughter about her mom, you and your son? And their relationship? Maybe she needs a Daddy-Daughter day and some things can get discussed. You’re a good person, I’m sure your husband could help. Your son was abandoned by his dad but your husband has filled the void. So maybe his daughter needs to know it isn’t about her… It’s about your husband being a good guy. Also… I’m sorry his ex is awful. But he needs to explain, you’re not the reason for their not being a family, the reason for the breakup was her cheating. He divorced the mom, not the daughter but she needs to know Baby Mama Drama ended it not Dad. Also the “I still love you” crap from BMD, well, I recommend you ask Hubby to remind BMD that doesn’t matter now, he’s with you and also cheaters don’t really love the one they are cheating on.

    2. Your comment really resonated with me. I found myself nodding my head over and over. My husband and I have been together for 5 years. Our family is a his 2, her 2, and our 2. We have 6 total kids and the 4 older ones all come and go. My ex and I, along with his wife and my husband all have a wonderful friendly, respectful, supportive relationship. I always tell people we are “one big happy family”. But his ex? Holy bananas…just like you said – telling their kids things about me and my children, literally calling my older kids names, sending my husband gifts, pictures, memories of times when they were together…it’s literally crazy to me. I try to let it all go and not pay much attention but JUST like you said I resent my husband at times for bringing all this stress into my life. It’s difficult to think of it that way and to feel that way about your husband. His ex is even remarried and they have a child together – you would think she would just want to live her own life and stop focusing so much time on ours…it’s exhausting. Hang in there – at least I feel like I’m not so alone.

  4. LONG STORY!!!! My husbands ex wife took off with another man and my husbands 2 children 2yrs&4yrs and vanished 9 years ago! We have been together 8 years and have one child together 6 year old boy and I have a 12 year old son the he has raised as his own. My husband found out she went to another state but couldn’t figure out where the law would do nothing etc no one knew where she was…. Fast Forward 8 months later I found her on social media she let my husband speak to his kids, blah blah we was trying to come up with a visitation plan then she blocked us…. we tried everyway to get a response she completely ignored us… Well 2 years ago he was able to get a divorce by listing her name in the newspaper etc… We got married June 9th last year. Well one month ago we get a message on facebook from her that she and her boyfriend and there 3 kids and my husbands 2 kids are homeless! So we rent a car and bring them to our state and pay to put them in an apartment etc, Well the man she is with is crazy! He thinks since he has played daddy to my husbands kids all these years he has every right and say in all things, and is causing so many problems with my husband getting to know his child! He is also jealous that my husbands kids are getting to do fun things while his 3 kids sit at home and drive him nuts, we have come to realize that my husbands 2 kids have been like Mommy and Daddy to them 3 kids. Anyways they do not want us taking the kids for the weekend so we only get them for a few hours one day on the weekends they tried to stop all visitations cause the 3 kids was jealous then they tried to do monitored visitations but the day we was headed to go to the monitored visits they changed their mind and let us take them lol idk if its a control thing or what? but its so annoying! and its only been a month! We have now decided to just go through courts so we can stop dealing with the crazy boyfriend, we get hateful voicemails and messages from him its just wild! The ex wife seems okay I haven’t figured her out just yet. But the boyfriend seems so controlling… anyways I just needed to get this out lol

  5. Hi!

    I am so glad to have found this link, it seems to be about 4 years too late for me BUT. My husband and I have been married for almost three years together four and we have two babies together. My step-daugher is 10 and an absolute DREAM! Her mother on the other hand is not. The problem with trying to move past the issues is that they have had detrimental effects. My husband’s ex-wife defamed our character and posted inappropriate pictures saying things like “I’d never be mad at a bitch for a guys face I used to sit on” she would take pictures of us doing drop offs and call us cowards and tag our employers. Additionally she would post all of our court documents claiming that we owe her more child support because I make more money than she originally thought. Yes, you read that correctly MY income. She then would tag my husband in posts about her breasts and other inappropriate things. This then led to us to filing a restraining order where a court stopped her from doing this. However, this only made things worse. It resulted in my husbands ex wife attempting to run me off the road with her vehicle while shouting the most heinous things. It was the most awful thing ever. I have been in counseling now I have a restraining order for the next three years. This of course does not include the incessant emails, texts, calls to both me and my husband AND my husbands family AND my family. It is absolutely heartbreaking. And so scary. After this she lost custody of my step daugter for about 9 months, which then led to supervised visits and now almost two years since the incident we have 50/50 which is great. Still silly stuff but theres a lot of hurt from my end… how do you all deal with this? Will the crazy end?

  6. I’ve read through many of your comments and I can’t believe how many crazy ex-wives there are! I thought my husband’s ex was crazy and of the limited psychotic variety. My heart goes out to you all! My husband’s ex is absolutely crazy. She used to text my husband all of the time about all sorts of things. She’d nag and try to cause him financial harm. I told him to tell her to stop texting about everything and limit it to only details regarding their child – he is not her husband! And he did! But she continually tells him he is a horrible father and that he needs to sign over his parental rights. (By the way, he is a great father who tries to spend as much time with his daughter as he can, pays child support on time every month, and has tried to be overly cooperative with the devil ex wife.) They didn’t get a court order regarding custody issues at the time of their divorce, but a contract was written up. Since it’s not a legal court order, there is no binding obligation so she does what she wants. They agreed that she would have primary custody of their 6 year old daughter, then 4 years old. And he would have her every weekend. We can’t afford a lawyer and her parents are well off financially. So, what does she do? She decides one day – more or less because she hates me and talks ** about me (I’ve never responded to her crap) – that she will keep their child from my husband. She picks up their daughter early from school so my husband gets there to pick her up for the weekend and she’s not there. He looks for her and tries to get in contact with his ex, but she doesn’t answer her phone and her relatives have the child hidden away from him. So, he spends months without seeing his daughter. She intentionally plans things to do with their daughter each weekend so now the child wants to go have fun instead of seeing her dad – including Father’s Day! He would cooperate with his ex so that if she wanted a weekend with her to do things, she would have it. But she’s taken any cooperation out of the deal. And has told my husband verbatim “It’s her way or the highway now”. So I tell him we need to take her to court. He either doesn’t want to as she ruined his credit in their marriage/divorce and he can’t afford it, or he thinks that she will change soon. It has only gotten worse since I’ve been with him – over the last 2 years. We now have a child on the way and that has seemed to make her more angry. Her daughter didn’t tell her but told her grandmother whom told the ex. Lol. But within a week of finding out our child, she’s claiming that she will have another sibling for their daughter now too- by what means I don’t know. She has started dating someone new – after dating the guy she cheated on my husband with and dumping that guy for supposed abuse. The new guy has a child of his own. And what makes this even more fun is that the new guy is trying to tell my husband how he needs to stop trying to see his child when his daughter doesn’t want to. So aggravating. I assume that she will just become more of a b and inflict more pain on her child and my husband once she finds out that her ex-husband and I are married now. I just don’t know how to be supportive to my husband when she is constantly making him feel bad and using their child against him. What mother does that?!?!

  7. Ladies – I just want to say to all the kind-hearted and compassionate women who are struggling with malicious ex wives and families to stand by your integrity. If you haven’t already done so, authentically discuss your feelings and observations with your partner and if he is NOT a dysfunctional person, he will stand by you because he LOVES you. (Don’t forget that he was past marriage was undoubtedly toxic and he may still be learning to wean off the bs. Help him do so with truth.) Blended families and exes will always stir feelings – it’s an emotional roller coaster you better be ready to ride. It’s good to air your grievances with forums such as this, but the real work is between YOU and YOUR husband/partner. Learn what you can about what motivates behaviors in others and peel your own onion to find the core of your own emotional triggers.

    At the first sign of communication from the ex (or children who are used as “tools”) that smells like control or manipulation- DISENGAGE. Divorce is a severing of interpersonal relationships between two people (contact should be pragmatic..cut and dry). As a couple, you need to focus your energies on the present, and future and stop wasting it on the past. Children, and their love for you should not be altered based on you spending time, focusing on your new life, new relationship or new goals. Unfortuantely, if the ex is dysfunctional and truly not happy, it will disrupt any healthy relationship you can have with your husband or your stepchildren because misery loves company. DISENGAGE from the bs. Work on You and Your Spouse daily!

    We can not control other peoples behaviors, BUT we have the power to control our reaction to them. They will eventually stop when they get no reaction. They usually end up transferring the controlling bs to their next relationship or some other unwitting soul. Anything you can do to get to that place of disengagement quicker – DO IT. Ignore. Disengage. Solidify your partnership. If your husband/partner is not willing to stand by you then they are weak asshats and there’s no point in being emotionally unhealthy and angry. Get the hell out..especially if you haven’t seen the behavior change over several years. Build your life to be as happy as you can make it and don’t lower yourself to trying to inflict pain and control – that would put you on the same snail slime level as the Ex. Get to a happy place for YOU!

    1. Would like to quick open with.. 8 months, I’ve been married to the most empathic, compassionate woman a year ago I never believed I would be so very blessed to call my Wife.
      If You and/or Spouse are targeted from an Ex of yours or Spouse’s bitters viciousness and like a snake slithered into your marriage and life then stop feeding them. Cut that grass low as possible. Doesnt work, build a moat. I understand it is easier said than done but it can be done. One Day at a time. Took me way longer than I imagined and if I’m not careful or i get a stupid thought my ex has changed I’m back to insomnia.
      Mabey back in the Day when you and Ex were married you received a card written in Ex’s hand writing your their soul mate, So very happy by the Man/Woman you have been and have grown into Today. Were turned on with them wanting (and both of you getting) matching tattoos describing your love, then in same week as tattoo is still healing. Stumped you find out Ex having an affair. It’s your fault. When you ask In-laws if their daughter/son has said anything about you are herself they say “Oh our Daughter/Son is so happy, and so are we!! We love you!” Finding out next Day they already knew but since they done same in Past with their Ex’s, who they to judge and don’t want to hurt your feelings..
      Like a slap in face you find out they been planning very long time to manipulate you into doing wrong or so you divorce them so they could play the sad divorced spouse who everone let’s cry on their shoulders. So Ex’s feelings and behavior would be justified. Truth locked away. Failing to do this, because I/You were to stupidly decieved for being devoted. Truly loved them because you.. you just did. Going through anyway ripping away, destroying everything you built with your own blood and sweat for them, for the family. Manipulating Every One you know Family and Friends that your doing and saying the things in truth they are doing to you, until your alienated. Slandering your character in Court never seeing your kids again. All so they can be happy again. Then a year after being divorced your told same “It’s your fault I’m miserable!”
      The memories… sigh..
      Bringing with me in my new marriage are my two young children from previous marriage of 13yrs, Blessed by God I have custody %47. After a vicious 2year long divorce by Ex who failed to destroy me. Failed to turn kids against me I found out their vindictiveness will never end. I’ve read quotes about let the Past go and be friends for the children… Nope.
      Sometimes no contact with ex is the only way possible having a chance at healthy marriage. Only way possible to live drama free happy life. Ex’s can twist our words, he said/she said, kids dragged in middle. Phone calls do not need to happen. Having meetings do not need to take place even when about kids as your words will always be taken out of context, actions manipulated, or even breathing to loud will cause them to make a scene of something being your fault. Even after failing to get a rise out of me thousands of times it just doesn’t end. Why? Because a bitter Ex wants to get us to react, period. A bitter Ex wants us to do to them what they have done to us. So they feel justified. When inwardly, in secret a bitter Ex will never truly be at peace because fault is only at you.
      Always Be prepared. Plan ahead, when you know you will be close vicinity. When your dropping, picking up kids avoid contact. Do not get trapped finding yourself in a surprise discussion about kids or any matter. It always, always ends up your fault. Your Kids Don’t need this! You will leave stressed. Sometimes Texting (SMS) is the best way. No Emojies! Strictly business. Ir’s hard at first but don’t get in habit of sending quick responses. Especally when upset over them. It’s what they yearn for. Leave your emotions out.
      I Realized, We Don’t need our Ex to be a great Father. We Don’t need our Ex to be a great Mother.
      Their are Court appointed Web Sights (Example; Family Wizard.) That were created for messaging your Ex about kids, appointments, vacations, etc. All documented. Court has access. Very professional and keeps everyone from getting off topic. Well… majority of the time it does 😒, No more he said/she said.
      When I have to be in the vicinity of ex because of kids, I pretend my Ex is not there. When saying something to me I look through her. I always keep distance. Don’t jeopardize your future. Constantly defending yourself with he said/she said from malicious provocative behavior. Bitter Ex’s yearn to control you and if they know they caused just 1 minute of your Day was spent stressed, their fulfilled. Yes, I know it’s twisted. It’s sickening.
      Always, Always your Wife/Husband comes first. Always tell them and let them read what the Ex has written you. Always let them be present when you respond when writing to Ex. L
      Out of the Hundreds of Blogs and thousands of comments I have read, yours has been the most realistic and close to home for me. It reminds me to keep doing what I’m doing. Do the “Right Thing” based on morals, not based on selfishness. Our Kids/Step Kids are molded by watching, listening, acting out our behavior. Not only tell them right from wrong, you need show them. Tell kids the truth. Even if you done wrong. Depending on their age, leave adult content out. Their little minds can’t handle adult details. Most importantly Don’t talk down about their parent to your kids, step kids or any kid for that matter. They will find out as they grow up. Always be open with your feelings to your kids, always talk because I promise you a bitter Ex is constantly trying to change the Past. Talk in loving way to kids and they will remember the truth and soon the truth will be on evveryones lips that were alienated from you.
      Thank you so much for writing your comment.

      1. Thank you, I can relate to your story on many levels. It helps to know I’m not alone in dealing with my husband’s bitter ex wife. Family Wizard is a great recommendation and I will talk to him about it tonight.

    2. Thank you JJ
      I need this advice. My husband is not willing to stand by me, so I m getting the hell out , after 11 painful years of marriage.

    3. Battling Toxic Ex Wife

      The most real comment I have read! Everything you said is exactly what I needed to read and be reminded of so THANK YOU for that! I love the reminder that we can’t control others behaviors but we have the power to control OUR reactions. That is spot on and is the atttiude that will makes one stronger and more confident. Remembering to disengage when control and manipulation is present is another healthy thing to do. The ex can’t affect you if you aren’t involved.

  8. For Ms. Brazelton: It seems to me his whole family believes that if they don’t treat you bad, then they are not doing right by the mother of his child. Talk to your husband. Tell him how it hurts to be treated like a second rate wife by his siblings, daughter and SIL. Explain that buying a joint gift with his ex implies they are still a couple and that his present wife doesn’t matter and isn’t really a “true wife”. He’s likely just trying to keep the peace with everyone – but you are the one bearing the brunt of all the snubs, which are quite deliberate and malicious. Tell him this.

  9. Most information I’ve found about trouble with ex wives, doesn’t address the problems I encountered. My husbands ex is called sister in law by his siblings. His 33 year old daughter interferes with our relationship. At a breakfast we all were invited to, ended up being a discussion of the good times shared by my husband and his ex. At a funeral, the ex, husbands sister & sister in law, told me I was not welcome in their tete a tete. Sat by myself. Husband with his brothers. Kids with kids. Found out recently that my husband talks on the phone with ex…birthday, holidays. When grandchild was born, ex wanted my husband to purchase gifts together. He did. I was left out. At the end of my rope. This should’ve ended with their divorce 14 years ago.

  10. TheNewWifeWhoDoesNotCareNoMore

    To the women dealing with the husbands “talking” to their ex’s everyday:
    one: he is enjoying the attention.
    two: if he can talk to his ex everyday why don’t you talk to your ex’s everyday too? Even if they aren’t your kids dad. Do what is done to you to them so they see how it feels. If they don’t care idk what to tell you because not many men or women want someone they love and care about to be having conversations with the opposite sex and especially not an ex. When I am done wrong I make it a point to not let it go and do the simular done to me. My ex husbands wife has somehow gotten a way to see my social media even though she is blocked on all of them. I have also stopped talking to her completely and I don’t help with the kids either. That is all up to them dad and mom. I use to help and I was prosecuted and accused of trying to be their mom. Lol. So I show them all what not trying to be a stepmom is like if I am getting accused of something I was not trying to do or be. I have 3 of my own. Any mother knows 3 is plenty to parent. Now she stalks my social media and does everything she can to let me know she can see what I do and say through her children. Wow. What do you do when you have tried blocking it for it to use other options? There are way more problems listed here that we have been through I could write a book about it. I might just do that lol. (: Honestly I am to the point idc if she tries to mimic me anymore. If you care they have power over you. Picking my battles for people who matter. The stepkids are her personal recorders and give her their report as soon as they are picked up. I have also realized their dad don’t care so why should I? Pay attention to these men they will tell you without telling what is important what isn’t and what never was. It will hurt when this truth comes out for sure because it will reflect the life you are currently in. ):

    1. This is the most immature response ever! It sounds like you are in bad relationship. You shouldn’t want to hurt your spouse because they hurt you. You should talk to them, express your feeling and if they continue to do the things making you feel less valued you value yourself more and leave. This eye for an eye mentality will only hurt you more.

  11. I am desperate for help, encouragement etc.. I have been with my fiancé for almost four years. From day one his ex has still tried to control him. She is older then him and they married when he was 17. According to his family she has always controlled him like a mom. She has always treated him poorly. I say all that to say this.. lol I am going crazy with thier toxic relationship, she finds a way to text or call him daily. She has put us thru hell with her lies, court dates, child support enforcement …the list is endless.. it doesn’t phase him and he says I need to forgive her as well. She loves her kids, but her children chose to live with us years ago due to her prescription abuse and lifestyle which he also forgives, even having her son hooked on them and to purchase for them to split.. endless stories of her destruction to us and kids. My issue is he continues to try and please her, stands up for her and always on her side. I do everything for my step kids as a stay at home mom, he and I have a child together now so I am here for all the kids. Him forgiving everything she does drives me insane, like she can do no wrong. If I take the child to the dr she will call him 20 minutes after appt time to see if he has heard anything, keep in mind the child is 17 and just text her when appt began he would call her as soon as it was over. But this is almost everyday. She will text and ask if the oldest son who is 20 made it to work?? I think at some point you talk to your kids and don’t find reasons to contact him daily, he doesn’t see a problem with it and says I am psycho. His reasoning is he doesn’t care about her or what she does that we just focus on us and our family and I shouldn’t care they talk everyday. She says I am jealous of her but honestly I am not jealous of anything about her, I just don’t understand why he continues to do what she says when it comes to thier grown kids when she lost custody and I am more of a mom to them. We have come to the point where he is leaving and says he loves me dearly but can’t continue to listen to me bite his head off at night for talking to her that day. He says I need to get over it cause he does not see a problem with them talking daily about the kids. She also tells people she wants him back or he wants her back which he denies and says she probably didn’t say that and he knows the truth and I should ignore the high school babble and move on. How in the world do you get to the point where I don’t care they talk daily and am content with the fact he is coming home to our family every night?

    1. Missy, what a difficult position you are in, I feel for you. I am in a similar situation, although my boyfriend is somewhat more understanding to my feelings, and the child he shares with his ex is 10. But I am constantly showing him how she is manipulating him, or controlling him, and he is just so use to that behavior he doesn’t see it. The last 2 or 3 months have been very difficult, she was consuming our relationship, I was upset all the time, and our relationship really suffered, we even talked about splitting up. For us we needed to share our feelings about this issue honestly, and then compromise. I will never be okay with the two of them being “friends”, not out of jealousy, but because she can not be trusted, she tried to have me fired, has threatened my life, and says horrible things about me around their child. She has also filed false police reports against my boyfriend, tried to get a restraining order to keep him away from their son, has tried to get him fired, and tries constantly to break us up. I have come to terms with the fact that she is a necessary evil, he married her and they share a child, so we are stuck with her. If they do communicate it is via text, and only about their child, and he tells me about it or shows me the conversation, that way she can not text me and say things like “I had the best conversation with your bf today”, which is her usual M.O. I don’t like it, just hearing her name can instantly put me in a bad mood, but I didn’t want to loose my boyfriend either. The question you asked at the end of your post is the one you need to ask yourself, can you get to place where their daily communication isn’t affecting you, and what if anything do you need from him to get to that place? The other part to think about is that you two have a lifelong connection as well, you two share a child, he is always going to be a part of your life, and in one way or another she probably will too, so you will need to come to terms with their relationship whether you are together or not. Don’t let this break your spirit! :)

    2. Any contact from her about the adult children doesn’t merit a response to her if it is not an emergency. He should then communicate to the grown offspring, “You need to contact your mother she is worried about you.” Grown offspring do not need their mommy or daddy to represent them. He needs to remove himself from the middle man role she has created and with which he is cooperating. Only if the adult children are in legal trouble/jail, injured/hospitalized/depressed/etc… that is the only time they should be co-parenting. He needs to treat their adult children as adults, it’s respectful to EVERYBODY, you, the offspring and him. Tell him the children are grown up and he needs to treat them that way in spite of the ex trying to maintain the former family structure of minor children. Those days are over and everyone needs to act like responsible adults. Now… there are going to be times when they need to discuss issues about their offspring. However this should be an occasional thing due to extreme circumstances, NOT THE NORM OF EVERYDAY. Hey, I had to tell my husband this. His daughter is a responsible and successful person and we need to treat her that way. Make it about the well adjusted adults they have become and stress that the children are doing well. When there is a true emergency – and only then – is co-parenting necessary.

    3. Also, regarding his “I don’t want her anymore and she doesn’t want me anymore…” Trust me… she is trying to break you up. I had to tell my husband this is exactly what women do when they aren’t over it. My husband finally got it but it took a long time and several episodes of daily texts/calls/emails regarding a daughter who was mature, well adjusted, successful and in no legal trouble or any other issues. Now he sees what I pointed out – but this had to happen repeatedly and I had to point out repeatedly what was going on. It has nothing to do with being forgiving, jealous. It has everything to do with the denial of the spouse who is letting the former spouse CONTROL everything. It helped that his friends eventually, one by one over the years, backed me up… and some of those friends were familiar acquaintances with both of them. Well adjusted people move on and think everyone else moves on too… but we all know that vindictive exes do not move on and are trouble makers.

    4. My prayers for you….. Be strong. You are Very Unselfish and He knows that….. YOU are such a before him…. But it’s your time now…. Smile while making a face 🤗

  12. I have a fiance who is letting his ex wife know all of his finances and has her do any paperwork that needs done on computer. I am engaged to this man for 2 years. I see him 5days out of 7 . Which I am very computer literate and do my own paper work. When I am with him we have 2 computers available for me to help him with his financial papers instead of keeping his rx wife involved in our relationship. I think this is very disrespectful to me.. What is your opinion on this and what should I do?

    1. My first question is why? Then why? Then why again? Is she super smart with numbers and it benefits him? Regardless, if it bothers you and he knows it bothers you, you have a MAJOR problem on your hands. There is no reason that she needs to be involved. There are plenty of people that can help with him with “paperwork” including yourself. This won’t go away, it will just gnaw at you until one day you snap and he acts incredulous. It just sounds like the two of them aren’t ready to let go. Which leads me to think that there are other red flags that you may not be paying attention to.

  13. My fiance got married young. And has a son thats 7y now. His ex wife left them when the child was 4y and even then. The boy had been living with his grandparents because they both had to finish college. We have twin boys together and are trying to start a family but its getting more and more complicated because now I have to raise a step son and the twins at the same go and these are my first kids. All of a sudden the ex wife is interested in her son. Wants to be more involved. And its creating alot of problems for us. For me. I dont know what to do. Im so exhausted of this and frustrated. I dont even know how to deal with this whole situation.

    1. The finances of a man you are getting ready to marry are none of the ex’s business. How would he feel if you let your ex or any other person go over your finances? You are going to be contributing to the same household soon. Ex needs to back off. Unless he want to be alone forever because no woman is going to tolerate this!

  14. I actually thought things were good between my husband’s ex and me. My husband and I have been together for over 9 years. I basically raised their son. She appeared to really like my son from a previous relationship (who is close in age to their son) and the daughter I now share with my husband. We seemed to be friends. That is until I came across text messages between my husband and his ex bad-mouthing my son. It was a complete shock to me that she was saying these things and that my husband would even have the audacity to be communicating such things with her. I feel he crossed a line and that she is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I feel very betrayed and am not sure I can get over this. I am just floored that my husband betrayed my son and me like this.

    1. He should be discussing any issues he has about your son with you, not her. He should be telling her to mind her own business. Unless your child is harming her child or vice versa, he should not be having any discussion with her about it.

    2. While children love their parents unconditionally, they are more aware of what is going on than you know. Your spouse should be countering Baby Mama Drama negative lie comments such as, “There must be some misunderstanding, my wife is not ____ and you need to get to know her.” That way he is not putting down BMD but he is also not letting his wife suffer from the deception his ex is expressing to cause trouble.

  15. My husband’s ex wife is very mentally unstable. Before my husband and I even met each others children his ex was making up lies about me(I’ve been with my husband for 6yrs and have never met her or talked to her; I asked to meet but she said she would punch me!!) and even went as far to ask for my number so she could tell me all the bad things about my husband :(:-o I don’t know what to do???

  16. I’m remarried and my husband’s ex wife has no
    Family here in the same state .my husband walked out and left her.; that was 40 years ago . And now we are married for 4 years . They have one daughter married and 3 grandkids . She is invited to all family functions and i feel uncomfortable around her and it is akwArd for me. I don’t think I should have to go to their gatherings . They have the ex sister in law ; and she has no family here . Let her go I don’t want to . I don’t like my one sister in law and the other one can be difficult too.

    Don’t you think I should be able to stay away from these functions ? We lived out of state in Fl for 5 years and bought a house back by my children and live one hour from them. It gets me very angry when I go around them

  17. I am struggling with a black cloud….my fiancé’s ex wife and 2 of the four grown up (late 20’s) children. She is jealous of me and the relationship I have with my fiancé. She has been rude to me in public, and for a long time, I have gotten a feeling from 2 of the 4 kids that they don’t fully accept me. I have a great relationship with the other 2. I would even go as far as to say I love them. I found out a few days ago that she broke down and cried in front of her children and unfriended my fiancé on Facebook because she is so jealous of how happy we are together, and how much fun we have together. I feel like she makes her kids feel like if they accept me, that they are betraying their mother. She doesn’t like when everything is not about her. She is with someone else, so I don’t understand what the big deal is.

  18. Go have a coffee with his ex-wife? That advice is not only flippant but dangerous if you are dealing with an ex-wife with mental health issues.

    1. This is what I am dealing with. There is no way a meeting would go smoothly. We will have to meet at some point as my partner and I are moving into together next month but her and i will have to meet with a lot of boundaries in place. She frequently flies off the handle at him via text and I doubt it would be any different with me in person.

  19. I can’t even begin to write about all the problems my husband’s ex wife is causing in our relationship. How do you save your marriage from a bad past choice and a crazy exwife?

    1. I’m in a very similar situation. I feel for you. My husband’s ex needs counseling, she abuses and neglects her children but in her “reality” she is the victim. We are demons and she is a saint!!! I’ve gone insane :'( Wishing you the best of luck

      1. Unfortunately I as well, am in a similar situation. I keep telling myself that this can’t last forever, but there are days that I am just not sure she will stop. We have an ant-stalking restraining order, and a no trespass order, but she still manages to figure out a way to communicate with him. When we call the police to enforce the restraining order they basically laugh because he has a restraining order against her. When we push the issue they “call her and tell her to stop”. She portrays herself to be the victim, and that I am a home-wreaker, and that he abandoned his family. She takes no responsibility in the fact that she was having multiple online relationships, her exact words to him were “they were just words on a screen”. She sends him pictures of mementoes and photos from when they were together with captions like “best day of my life” and “soulmates”. He can’t block her because they have a son together and I told you how well the restraining order is working. There are days that I find myself resenting my fiancé, how do I make that stop?

    2. One word: BOUNDARIES. You can’t do anything about the bad past choice. Or choices. You and your husband have to put each other first. Always. Set boundaries around discussions with each other about the past. Set boundaries with the ex-wife enforced by both you and your husband. Decide how you will deal with and respond to each behavior before it happens. And focus on you and your marriage.

  20. My husbands ex girlfriend …we have been together almost 8 years, married for nearly 6 years. yesterday I told my husband I wanted a divorce because I don’t know what else to do, it feels like my whole world is falling apart because of his toxic ex girlfriend. My husband left his girlfriend 18 years ago due to her having an affair, They had a daughter together who is now 22 years who has always lived with her mother. My husband went on to have another relationship of nearly 10 years which his ex ended up destroying, now fast forward to me she doing it again.
    When I first started going out with my husband his ex girlfriend befriended me, which made it great that we was all getting on, I had a good relationship then with my husbands daughter that’s when things started going wrong. we used to take his daughter back laughing and joking his ex hated it she started picking on the daughter. after that the daughter said she had a problem with me, she started disrespecting me not happy that I was marrying her father, rolled her eyes and tutting while we was getting married.
    fast forward to now I have had nothing but disrespect form ex girlfriend and his daughter, the ex would keeping calling my husband and texting him it got so bad my husband ended up blocking her number.

    1. Tell him no woman would put up with her crap so he can either fix it or lose you. The good news is he blocked her from calling. Now he needs to have a conversation with the daughter that mom is never going to like anyone he is with, did this to last relationship and remember how daughter used to go home laughing? The only thing that changed was mom’s attitude and he would appreciate it if she would be respectful of his relationship. She can love her mom and still be respectful to you. Trust me I was in the same boat but my man talked to his daughter and put baby mama drama in her place. And the daughter was 30 when we met… so yeah. I get where you’re coming from. Some women will always play the kiddie card even when the child is an adult.

      1. yes my husband blocked her from calling and texting which was good for us. Which pissed the ex off so much she has started lieing to his family to make him look bad. My husband’s father died last year, the ex turned up disrespected my married by following my husband around she wouldn’t leave him alone. A few days later I told her to move on with her life 18 years was more than enough time to get over it. She’s was to stop with her obsession because she will end up hurting her daughter. The answer I got back was so disgusting and vile, to be called A BARON C??T because I was unable to have children myself. His ex got the daughter involved, she never spoke to her father for 10 months. I got the blame for standing up for my marriage, so know going back for me now regarding his daughter she hates my guts because her mother poisoned her against me. Which makes things very difficult now.

  21. I sometimes feel like it’s too much to handle. My husband has full physical and legal custody of his daughter. Her mother gets about 25 hrs of visitation time every week. I’ve basically become mom because I take care of her 6 days out of the week.we have a wonderful bond. His ex continues to tell him he owes her additional time and how he is keeping her daughter from her. I just don’t see how he is obligated to give her extra time all the time when this visitation schedule was made for a reason. She’s bipolar and just goes off on him a lot and says such nasty things to him. She always threatens to tell our daughter how bad her father is and how she’s gonna hate us one day. She done and said some things that don’t make use feel comfortable giving her extra time let alone take her out of state for extended periods of time but she thinks she deserves it. I sometimes just want to scream and go off on her as she likes to try to throw my name into the mix to make some issue. I become so discouraged thinking is this what we get to look forward to every year. She now has a new bf who has multipl children from other women who he left and now he’s attached to her and got her pregnant. It’s just not a healthy environment and so confusing to our daughter. Does anyone have any advice?

    1. Keep on being who you are. That said suggest he tell Baby Mama Drama to go to court if she wants more time. Her actions have proved she doesn’t deserve more time but if she takes her meds you’ll revisit the subject. Whenever she starts her crap tell her to focus on what is best for the child and it will all work out. Thank your lucky stars this fool doesn’t have more time with the girl to mess things up.

  22. My defacto (as good as married) would not allow me to meet his ex, calls her psycho. She carries quite a load as there is mental and physical issues with the theee adult children , all living with her. She hates me, that her daughter got on with me & reached out to me when she was struggling. He talks to her with a very fond tone which is a little off-putting and he did go back to her after his 2nd marriage failed to try again for his kids sake, but it was a bad idea. Then I came along. That brings up some insecurities for me. I have my own children, the last thing I need is 3 more special needs adult kids, but what I do need is calm as her neurotic outbursts are harmful overvtgecnow three years.

  23. What if the kids hate you, because the ex wife has filled their minds with negative concepts about you? How do you deal with that? My husband and I met quite some time after he got divorced and yet, she said to his kids he cheated on her with me. And they believed her, because shes their mom. So, long story short, they hate me and our son. They are cruel to him. So far I have tried to keep him away because when they visit they are cruel to him. One of them even hit him because he tried to hug her. My son does not understand why they despise him, he is hurt. I am hurt. How do i deal with that? What can I do? because at this point I am willing to leave the house with my son every time they come to visit. I do not care anymore. I have tried to talk, to reason with them, things keep getting worse. I cannot ask my husband to stop seeing them, but I do not want my son to be mistreated. Talking to the ex is not an option. Last time I tried, she called 911 and said I was attacking her and I had to get inside my house and lock the door.

  24. My husband ex wife.. we have been together almost 5 years, married 4 years. We have certain times to exchange kids. If I show up 2 minutes early, she will tell the kids not to come to the door. It is still her time. So then when it is time, their stuff is never ready (backpacks, clothes, sporting stuff). We are there sometimes up to 20 minutes sitting in driveway waiting on her to get them ready. Then sometimes when I pick them up, she will ask them if they want to go with me or stay with her longer. Court papers state that step parent can pick them up. We go to sporting events that one kid is playing, she will tell the other kid that they cannot sit with me or have anything to do with me. The child has to stay right beside her mother. She has let her boyfriends of 2 weeks pick them up from school with out notifying their dad. She continues to tell the kids lies about me so they wont like me. When they ask me for the truth, I will tell them. Her and her family calls me names in front of the kids. I don’t talk about her or her family in front of the kids. I take them to sporting events, school, buy their clothes etc. They get in trouble if they talk to me on the phone or if they tell me they love me. We let the kids talk to her, her parents, her boyfriends or whoever else wants to talk without interrupting them. She makes them talk on speaker phone when my husband calls and majority of the time it is Bluetooth over car speakers. I am completely fed up with her. I am lost for words. No matter how nice I try to be, it always back fires on me.

    1. Wow. She’s awful. This is how horrible women exert control. Pretend like it doesn’t bother you in front of her. Tell kids mom is confused you’re not _____ whatever she says. See if you can take her to court over kids never ready on YOUR time and going with unauthorized boy friends. In person kill her with kindness. Tell kids mom just wants you to sit with her. Someday the kids will hate her for this. Hang in there.

    2. I am so sorry. I’ve got a very similar situation. I honestly did not know people could be this crazy. It is such a shock to me. I’m afraid it will never get better, but reading your story somehow at least makes me feel I am not alone. I wish you well and hope things get better for you. I have to believe there is a special place for women in our situations in heaven.

  25. This article sounds like the new wife should be kiss-up. If his ex wife doesn’t like you, so what! You’re married to him, not her. It shouldn’t matter if a past person likes you or not.

    1. Have you read any of the comments on how to deal with your husband’s ex-wife? If it was a simple matter of dislike, I’d agree, no big deal, just avoid her. It’s what some of these women do with their hate that is the problem. Try straightening out the mess they inflict onto their kids – all so they can interfere, intrude and otherwise attempt to destroy the relationship of their former spouse. Either they don’t move on or they can move on – but he can’t without a whole mess of trouble from her. The husband is trying to have a relationship with his present wife and get along with the ex but she’s baby mama drama and is a trouble making b***h – all while crying to anyone who will listen about how the present wife is awful. It’s manipulation and you can’t get away from her because he has kids with her. So if you are lucky enough to have mere dislike going on, count your blessings! A lot of times it is a freaking nightmare trying to deal with an ex wife who is unreasonable and won’t let go, move on, get along. Nope she’s all about being a trouble maker. In my case I was lucky because the ex wife showed herself too many times and my husband stood up to her, but he had to do it several times. There was no way to be friends with her and she wasn’t interested in that although she’d whine to his family about how I was awful to her etc. Hey, when you act like an ass, I’m not going to like you, we’re not going to be friends and you’re not my husbands best friend. LOL…

    2. I wholeheartedly agree, Tori. The wife/stepmom doesn’t owe biomom/exwife anything, including any concern about being liked or not.

      1. Wow! This is dejavu. I certainly wouldn’t make friends with my husband’s ex. Even though its been at least 30yrs since they parted she can’t move on (and she never re-married) and when they see each other she brings him to his knees in humiliation and causes him so much stress and anxiety he goes into depression. I’ve never had anything to do with her (there was 15yrs after the divorce before I ever came on the scene and married her Ex) although, I have had a good. relationship with her two sons both adults now. All she wants to do is cause trouble to him and be as cold and unreasonable as possible so she gets the glory. As we are approaching one of their Son’s Wedding, it is placing a huge stress on my husband and making him very ill. Again, I keep out of it and support him but this time it is driving me to a point where I feel it is effecting our Relationship/Marriage and I don’t know what to do anymore. I am a internally strong Women but I feel the bridges weakening. My husband tries talking to her but she won’t entertain it and brings him to his knees. His Ex Wife is unreasonable and just will not let go.

      2. Agree…
        I am glad I am not alone…recently engaged and terrified to marry….his x -wife is very controlling and he is her b**ch….he can not see it!!! I know she is jealous of me. As he was very unhappy with her and their sex life was horrible…but she still has control….she was emotionally abusing him. I can not stand her.

  26. My new husbands ex wife…. my husband and I have only been married for a month, he came home from being deployed in january and to prevent us from being separated we did a court house wedding, none of our family or friends know because we still want to do it traditionally later this year.. rewind… my husband and I met in fall 2015, a month after his ex wife and him filed for divorce and he moved out and started going out and we met at a local place and hit it off.. his divorce was 8 months long and throughout that we were on and off, he was very secretive of me because the divorce wasn’t final yet. After the divorce was final and she found out about me she wasn’t happy, 2 months later I get a message from her on Facebook telling me that I am a rebound, I’m nothing to worry about because he still misses her and wants her and that they have been sleeping together the whole time including a few days before, followed by sleeping with me. After that I was done, we didn’t talk for weeks and then he came back around begging for another chance. This was a month before he was meant to deploy, so we got back together under a lot of stipulations and rules, and things were great and during the deployment he still let me know every time they talked (they have a 5yo together so they needed to talk) and we grew really close and excelled over the deployment and got married once he got home. Now that he’s back and has to see her face to face and deal with her about there son it’s hard for me to not get mad about her all the time.. I let myself get so obsessed over past thoughts and just negativity every time I know they talk. She has a new boyfriend which his parents met when they came to visit at Christmas, he met when they ran into each other at the grocery store, and has seen him at her house. I have asked for him to let her come up to our door when she comes to pick up there son instead of him running out there to meet her, I want her to see me and it be known to her that I am around and not going anywhere, he says he doesn’t hide me but he also isn’t going to flaunt me to her. I feel like I am a secret to her and he tells her way to much of his personal life about work and our house, and I feel like she sends him random things about there son just to talk and relate on random things. When we go pick his son up from her house he parks just enough away so I can’t see her when she opens the door, he won’t respond to some of her messages when I’m sitting close, and they talk way more than I wish they would and about irrelevant things. When I voice my concerns he always just says he hopes a day comes when I quit getting mad or worrying and not so uncomfortable.. I wish I could get closure with her and we could all be adults but she refuses to be nice or communicate with me (I haven’t tried but my husband won’t let me.) idk how to move on with our successful marriage and life when we still have to deal with her and the negative effects it has on me.

    1. Your problem is more with your husband than his ex wife. You don’t trust him. I would seek counseling to help you heal from his betrayal with sleeping with her because that thorn is what has led to you feeling like this.

    2. I am sorry but the one to blame here is your husband. If he truly did not care about her he would not have slept with her. It seems to me the problem is your husband’s feelings. Even though he married you, he is still unsure if he wants to let her go. The only way I see is counseling if you think its worth staying. If not, move on. There are plenty fish on the sea.

  27. My husbands ex… My husband and I were married recently after nearly 6 years of “off and on “. I never met his ex wife. They have a grandchild together, I thought it might would help to initiate amicable communication. We live in the house where they raised the children. The divorce was final in Feb. 2010. We met that year in September.

    My husband had her as his beneficiary “for the kids sake” (adult children). Of course, all that would change due to our marriage. I introduced myself over FaceBook. and sent a friend request (I wasnt trying to be ‘friends’, just wanted her to know I have no mal feelings, we have the grandchildren to think about). I said ” I look forward to meeting her. Apparently, she isn’t as open to that – as well as not a very nice person (I found out later) and didn’t appreciate my amicable attempt. She replied, “Im sure we will meet at some point, “my concern is only for the kids” .

    My husband said they, (the ex and adult daughter are concerned about the inheritance). The adult son said “dad, dont worry about it, t….” I wrote to her saying that I have been around – off and on for the last 5 years and I ‘think a lot about the kids’. I have been through a lot of ‘bad stuff’ with him and the kids. They have always been respectful and amicable with me.

    She and her boyfriend came to pick up the baby one day, and I went outside with my 2 year old grandchild to introduce myself. She was amicable, she did seem a bit ‘edgy’, or nervous. I extend a short hug, and she was reciprocal. The interaction seemed to be fine. Im not trying to be ‘buds’, just amicable. My husband (jealous) makes derogatory comments about her b/f and doesn’t know him either. My husband actually went outside with me that day and met the guy for the first time, (they have been together for several years).

    My husband still has several photo albums of their past history – kids growing up A couple of weeks later, my husbands ex decided she wanted the pictures for the first time in 6 years. She said to him, she was ‘concerned’ – wanted to “get them, before something happen to them, before I destroy them”. Im thinking, “what the?” Anyhow, I have never behaved in a vindictive, or derogatory way towards any of them. I do have strong boundaries and do not put up with disrespect.

    I wrote to her and assured her their family photos are safe, and I have no problem with she and my husband working it out. Next, I added, “on a lighter note, it would be nice if he would take your name off the water bill, LOL”.

    The next thing I know, he says he, “immediately got a call from her, telling him- “TELL THAT PSYCHO NEVER TO CONTACT ME AGAIN!

    I asked him if he defended me? He says, ummm “I was between two ‘hot women’, (meaning-upset). I was livid he allowed her to speak about me in any disrespectful way!

    Ok, so – fast forward to now- almost a week later. Im not exactly sure how to proceed. I know its just ‘stupid stuff coming from ‘low-self worth and a relationship that apparently never had closure.

    I also know, she is not welcome in our home (used to be her home) ugh, if she is going to make derogatory comments about me ( even if its not really about me).

    My husband appears to be ‘afraid’ to defend my honor with her. ugh (Did I really marry a man with no balls when it comes to to his ex?)

  28. My situation is a bit different and I am hoping to get an outsiders viewpoint. I have had a great relationship with my stepdaughters Mom for the past 3 years. We were friends on Facebook (and friends with her family members Ex. Her Mom), would communicate often, whenever I would pick the girls up I would go inside, say hello to the family and chit chat. She even asked me to help her with the girl scouts group. We would laugh and joke and we would exchange gift on Christmas. We told each other a few times how much we appreciated each other and the relationship we had. I have 3 stepdaughters and we are really close. I swear they were made to be my step daughters. It was just a great blended family scenario. The girls Mom had recently remarried but already had a daughter with her new guy, which I also would babysit and have sleep at my place because the girls wanted her to be a part of our life too. So we all agreed. Now, fast forward to 2 weeks ago. Our wedding day finally came and people posted pictures all over Facebook before the ceremony was even over. The girls Mom and I always liked each others posts and would comment and goof around, she didn’t like one single post from our wedding day. Not even of the girls all dolled up in their dresses. I thought it was odd because I complimented her on every photo of her wedding day on Facebook. But I let it go even though I thought it was odd. No, fast forward a few days after the wedding, she shared a memory on my now husbands page of a post from 6 years ago from when they were together that had said “I have the best man in the world and the most amazing father for kids. I don’t know how he deals with all us girls!” and she tagged him in it. I thought it was a little odd and a bit of a boundary cross, because I just married him a few days ago and I don’t find it very appropriate, but she has odd logic sometimes and I figured it wasn’t an intentional thing so I liked it and went on with my day. Now, a few days later, she deleted the post and she blocked me from her Facebook. Ive been blindsided. She never congratulated me, never said a word, just blocked me. I am hurt, I feel like we worked so hard to create such a harmonious relationship and now I feel pushed out. and It hurts. All of a sudden I feel a certain way that I had never felt with her before. Unwelcome. and I don’t know how to handle the situation other than to act like I know nothing. Just a few side notes, My now husband and her were never married, they had two children together and the oldest is hers from a previous relationship but my now husband raised her since she was a baby so in our eyes we have 3 all together. They ended on a decent note, no infidelity or anything, they just were toxic together, she had a baby almost immediately after their split with another man and married 6 months before us. We have been together for 3 years and married a few weeks now. We all get along, there is no hard feelings, and now since the wedding I feel outcast-ed.

    1. Sounds like you feel similar about moving on from relationships if they dont work, and being amicable… glad someone out there understands. My situation has still not been resolved. If my husband does not tell his ex – that her disrespectful inflamatory comments to him about me will not be tolerated Im not sure what that will mean for us. I know I intend to let her know face to face – that she is no longer welcome in our home unless she can keep her nasty comments away from me and my husband. Its more about him avoiding defending me – and being ok for her to blast me.

      1. Luckily I have never dealt with her blasting me. That would be a tough spot. If your husband and her have kids together I would assume he is just trying to not rock the boat. At the same time, it truly is unfair to you. I can see the matter from both sides. I am so sorry you are having to deal with that aspect of it. I can imagine that is a difficult spot to be in. But please, don’t allow her to ruin your marriage. Your husband should stand up for you, in a way that will not cause any issues. I considered reaching out to the ex myself as well, but decided against it because I didn’t want to be the cause of her keeping away the girls from us. It truly is a delicate spot. Sometimes you have to pick your battles knowing you will be the “loser” afterwords. Kill her with kindness, dont stoop to her level, and ignore her comments. It comes from a pace of jealousy and intimidation and it is not worth your energy to concern yourself with her insecurities.

    2. Your husband’s ex wife was playing you. She was never your friend. Her having a relationship with you was just a way for her to stay close to her old family and it made her feel included. I think the wedding photos were just too much of a reality check for her – her ex has moved on and her daughters are officially part of a family that doesn’t include her. Maybe she couldn’t stand the fact that you were a more beautiful bride or your husband looked happier with you than he did on her wedding day. Maybe you guys just looked right together and that was enough to send her into despair, questioning her past marriage, etc. Two things jump out at me: She is neither a genuine nor stable person. Props to you for being open to her in the first place – your good nature will not always bite you in the butt, but definitely do not internalize her behavior. She’s deeply jealous and she has issues. Just move on and focus on the only relationships that matter: the one with your husband and the ones with your stepdaughters.

      1. Thank you so much. I truly appreciate your reply. Still in the same boat with my husband’s ex-wife. We used to speak a few times a week and since the abrupt halt, it is still completely silent. Not one single word. I haven’t even seen her. When I pick up or drop off the girls she is no where in sight. Its hurtful but I am coming to the realization that you are right, she was not genuine and she she truly is not stable. I am hurt because the girls loved it. I alone made the relationship what it was by forcing her to interact with me, and within moments she was able to crumble that. My parents also divorced when i was young and they always got along in the same manner that I was trying to create with her. I remember how awesome it was knowing there were no hard feelings between my parents and their significant others and so I worked hard to make sure the girls would have the same experience as I did because it was truly amazing and the feeling of love and content was overwhelming. I was proud of my family and looking back I can appreciate the effort it took to have that relationship for us kids. I guess not everyone is cut out for that. It takes a big person, a secure person, a confident person, to choose that path. I thought she was – I was unfortunately wrong. To make things clear, I treat her no differently. If I would see her today I would be the same person she dealt with before all of this. Her actions will not change my approach to her. That is the only way I can “win” in this situation is to not change my approach. Thank you so much Cindy for responding again, I truly do appreciate it. I have been going back and forth in my head trying to figure out what went wrong. I think you explained it perfectly and spot on.

  29. Dear Ashley,

    I can see how difficult this relationship has been for you – and how much you love your boyfriend. The problems with his kids and his ex-wife are stressful and disheartening, especially when all you want to do is build your relationship with your boyfriends. It’s difficult to know what you want in a relationship, but not be able to get it because of people and situations that are beyond your control. My heart goes out to you, but this is a difficult situation. And there are no easy answers

    I could be wrong, but it seems to me that your boyfriends ex-wife wanting to have a sit down meeting over dinner with you, your boyfriend, and her husband might be a good thing. It sounds like she at least wants to try to work through things, and maybe she doesn’t know how it will go or what it will accomplish either.

    It’s difficult to plan in advance what to say or how to respond because you don’t know what your boyfriend’s ex-wife is planning to talk about! But, you can prepare yourself by reminding yourself to stay calm and not overreact or get defensive if she says things that aren’t true or that don’t make sense. It might also be good to remember that your boyfriend and his ex-wife want to do what’s best for their children – hopefully. Maybe it would be good to let them figure out what they need to do while you take more of a back seat… But I honestly don’t know if this is a good approach or not.

    Let me know how it goes. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. May you find courage, wisdom, and strength as you have dinner with everyone and talk things through. May you be pleasantly surprised with the discussion and decisions that are made. And may your relationship with your boyfriend grow stronger and healthier because of everything you’re experiencing together.



  30. I feel somewhat better knowing that I’m not alone in all this mess. Here’s a brief sanopsis of my story. I’ve known my boyfriend for 12 years. We dated when we were 20-21. Broke up, went our separate ways. Both got married and divorced. He had two kids by his ex-wife and I have no kids. We got back in contact with each other back in 2015 and now have been dating for a little over a year now. I have been around his kids maybe a handful of times in the last year. Every time they have been around they have had a blast. I’ve always tried to get my boyfriend to bring me around the kids more but it was always a knock down drag out fight. He always made excuse and such. If he had them and I wasn’t around he would barley communicate by text or phone with me. It was like he didn’t want them to know I existed. Then all of a sudden about 6 months ago the kids stopped wanting to come around him. Almost every time he would go to pick them up for his visitation time they wouldn’t want to come. They always asked if I was going to be around and of course he would tell them no. They still didn’t want to come around even after they knew that I was going to be around. He never made them come with him either. Lately his ex-wife who is a very controlling and muniplative has started saying stuff about me to him. Calling me names, saying that I ruined my chance to get to know the kids because the few times I got to talk to my boyfriend when he has his kids, we argued on the phone while the kids were around. I understand we should not have argued while the kids were around, but that’s not something in my opinion that should keep kids from wanting to be around someone. Now my boyfriend wants to gradually re-introduce me to the kids and play nice to his ex. Not sure how well either will go over. He’s saying we can’t move on with our relationship until his kids come around. But honestly who knows if his kids will ever come around because I feel that his ex-wife keeps saying negative things about him and I both to the kids. Therefor keeping them from wanting to be around. He’s also very afraid to stand up to her and just tell her I’m going to be in his life regardless if her or the kids like it. He’s pretty afraid to say anything to her that’s not what she wants to hear because he has a huge fear of her taking the kids away. He’s not a bad dad at all. He owns his own house, has a good job, pays his child support on time every time and has never been in trouble with the law. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Should I stay and wait it out or leave…. she wants to have a sit down meeting over dinner with my boyfriend and I and her and her husband tomorrow night. I’m not sure how that’s going to go or what it will accomplish but we will see. My post probably doesn’t make a lot of sense but if it does to someone possibly in my shoes, I would appreciate any advice or support you could offer me.

  31. Disgusted and over it all

    Everyone’s marriage/situation is different. Mine has made me physically and emotionally ill. I hate my marriage, I’m disgusted with my husband and I’m sick and tired of hateful, self centered people. We met 16 years ago, nearly three years after his divorce. Got married 13 years ago.nwhat a flipping mistake I made.
    His ex is so so sweet to his family, she can’t let go and they think her intentions for hanging around are sweet.
    Rewind 16 years ago to the beginning..she would send hate text messages directed towards me to my husbands phone (no way would she get my number). She called me horrid things, untrue thugs. She then made up stories to tell my mil and others about how bad a person I was. I don’t know this woman, I live 75 miles away from her and have only friefly met her once. We don’t know the same people, other than my husbands family.
    Then exwife got my email address from my mother in law! She created a fake email account and sent me a message about how I needed to be a good mother and wife and stop preventing my husband from seeing his kids (teenagers) and my mil. I wasn’t stopping him, I found it wrong that he avoided his family, but eventually I realized he avoided them because he wanted nothing to do with his exwife who was always sticking her nose in his family business. Not here are way too many things to write about here. Many emails from this woman, not sent anonymously, hate texts to my husband about me, accusations that I was sending his daughter text messages and emails from his accounts, all untrue. And of course she would tell my husbands entire family that I was doing these things, which I wasn’t doing. Eventually husband believed her too. Wtf? Once she called him and told him his entire family hated me, that his kids would have nothing to do with him as long as he was married to me, that I’d ostracized him from his family. Of course he bought into this, I never understood why. Unless he still wanted her. No don’t know and personally I could care less at this point.
    His daughter is no better. I’ve had Facebook posts from her calling me horrible names,meshing me dead burning in hell. He would say nothing to her about these messages, but accused me of upsetting her. Those kinds of messages have gone on for a long time.
    Two years ago, stepdaughter pretended to make amends with me. What a farce. Just a month ago she texted her father telling him I was a fat ugly c@@t and a father stealer, and again I should die and burn in hell. She’s a 31 year old woman. Daughter also called her brother and other family members and told them how horrible I was. I had not even spoken or communicated with her n 6 months, so why is she so angry with me all of the sudden?
    They’re all mental. I hate this marriage, hate my husbands family Nd resent the living day lights out of my husband. He says things to me like ” poor thing, yo think everyone hates you” omg, open your eyes! They freaking do.
    Vent over. Stay married to your first husband no matter how rough it is because ther is nothing worse than stepparent and wife hell. Why are people so mean? I’m done.

    1. This is sad. He should have believed you and told his family what she was actually doing. Sadly the ex has managed to poison everyone. Too bad they didn’t see her lies.

    2. My husband’s ex-wife is bad…..really bad….but your husbands ex would win the title for the worst, I’m afraid.
      That’s horrible – that they say these things to you and about you. I can’t say that I know how you feel but I definitely can relate to the tone of your comment and the feeling of regret, resentment and frustration. I printed the comment from “tina” below, I read it often.

    3. Be happy it’s only one ex! I have to deal with five of them and four children from four of them. I wonder why I’m even here. I don’t feel he will ever take me serious.

    4. Exactly what I have been going through with my husband’s ex-wife for the last 6 years.
      It’s incredibly difficult as these people are toxic and extremely manipulative and it’s you having to defend yourself alone against a pack of wolves who only want one thing… to destroy your relationship, and they enjoy every reaction they can get.
      The best thing to do is not to react at all. Leave them to their pathetic game… trying to defend yourself only reinforces the power they want over you.
      Ignore them… they are not worth a second of your time and energy.
      Reacting only gives them power over you… ignoring them makes them nothing.

      1. Some women see “ignoring” as they just need to try harder! LOL… We’re not talking about reasonable people we can simply avoid. We’re talking about folks who are stalkers. Constant texts, phone calls at all hours and for days on end. It’s not about the kids and so many emails you’d think you were the best of pen pals! Then add on all the uninvited “just show up” visits and wanting to be at all family gatherings, it’s constant weirdness and unpleasantness. Then there’s all the lies they tell and the family and friends don’t know the truth because they know her and probably still love her, hey she’s family or their kids play together or grew up together. Try being part of a family where their former in-law is a saboteur but pretty sneaky and the family has to put up with her because if they don’t, then the grand kids don’t get to come around. It’s a lot more complicated than just ignore it. Yes we need to limit our reactions and live well but in our experience, he had to deal with it, repeatedly, or it never would have stopped. Eventually her ridiculousness comes out but it may take a few years to get there and the ex is hoping too much damage will be done for the relationship to survive.

    5. I am in exactly the same situation & I actually get hated by him for letting the lies & stories they tell others upset me when it finally gets back to me , I moved into his house but had to leave because his ex wife was worried about the girls inheritance ( he is 49) but he is allowed to stay at my house & rent his out !!!
      I have left but it cuts deep that these ex wife’s move on get married have more children but still won’t let the ex’s go or maybe he isn’t letting her go ..
      but best of luck to you all & thanks for sharing it helps us all knowing we are not alone in these problems

      1. Your husband should have understand that his ex wife’s lies are upsetting, especially if they are believed by his family and friends. Also, he should have been paying you rent. He was getting his house payment made by the renters so he should have been able to afford that. If you two ever get back together do what I did. I told him, “No woman is ever going to put up with her crap so if you want to be alone forever, be sure to not handle it and then all you’ll have is her.” Hahaha, if the marriage was bad enough, the guy will do what my husband did and repeatedly tell her to knock it off.

  32. Most articles say that it is the abused party’s responsibility to leave. Why on earth should we be forced out of OUR homes when the abuser is one hundred percent to blame? We should uproot ourselves and move to a shelter because abusers can’t deal with the same emotions the rest of us can handle?

  33. I need any advice I can get ladies. I’m 26 and just recently married my husband two months ago. He was previously married and has three children from his previous relationship. His ex wife and I had a very civil relationship up until the wedding. The week we returned from our wedding our life and marriage has been a complete rollercoaster. a quick synopsis.. She is 28, lives in her parents basement, is a freelance photographer so there is no steady income, and is not currently in a relationship). My husband and I both work full time for corporate companies and just purchased our first home. We are generally very happy and have always treated one another with the upmost respect! However, the latest harassment I have been receiving on a continuous basis is that my husband has been cheating on me with her. She claims he is always the one to be inappropriate. I know I should trust him especially with how gracious he has always been to me but my self esteem has really plummeted. Because she sends these accusations frequently I’m starting to believe the words she is saying. Has anyone ever dealt with a similar scenario and how do I cope? Again, I want to be able to trust my husband and move forward in our marriage but I also don’t want to be completely naive. Thanks in advance for any advice!

    1. She is probably lying. Do not listen to her. Unless you see signs of him cheating she is simply trying to plant ideas in your head and from what you say – it’s working. I guess she is just upset that he has successfully moved on and she has not. Do not let her ruin your life!

    2. Dear Anonymous,
      If you truly believe your husband is cheating with his ex; and by truly I mean your heart and gut and mind all believe the same; then call him on it. If you don’t then why not just tell him about the accusations she is making and tell him exactly how they make you feel. I am my husband’s entire world and he lets me know that everyday, he makes sure I feel it everyday, and his actions all add up to that. So if you aren’t feeling like you are the only woman than you need to speak with him about it. After all, marriage is supposed to be open and honest with communication. Plus, how can he help you feel better if he doesn’t even know what’s going on. No one is a mind reader. As for the ex, I don’t know how her job or where she lives is relevant information to what you’re asking about. Not to make you feel bad or upset you or anything but that just sounded like you telling everyone on this forum something about her to make YOU feel better about your own self esteem. Her living situation and her income have nothing to do with whether she is having an affair with your husband or not. I would stop talking to her. I do not talk to my husband’s ex unless it is about the daughter that the THREE of us share and raise. If it isn’t about my baby girl then we don’t talk. You guys have absolutely nothing you must discuss that is outside of those kids. Don’t let this woman ruin a marriage that is otherwise happy. Talk to your husband. I wish you the best.

  34. Hi there,
    I have to comment to help every women here on this board. Here is the deal. You are worth MORE than the EX Wife and the Children that he brings with him as BAGGAGE. Second does not mean Second best…so do not ever feel compelled to be “the nice” person or to give in to “save your marriage”. If anything HE should GIVE IN because HE is the one that carries the BAGGAGE. He should feel badly about his Ex Wife’s behavior and do everything to KEEP YOU from leaving because his side of the world is messed up. So set boundaries early. If you feel uncomfortable with something then say it like it is…it will not get better with time or change…it will get worse. Give the Ex an inch and she will take a mile. For the women who moved to accommodate him and his child…I say move back to where you both enjoy your time together. It is not about the kid…it is about YOUR RELATIONSHIP…after all you met him and feel in love with him…not the child. Otherwise if you fell in love with the child first…then go an adopt a child…it will be a lot easier and you will be able to be a real mother to this child. Do not sacrifice your happiness for someone else’s. Nobody is going to give you a “Step mother of the year” Award for your sacrifices and you will end up feeling resentful and bitter. FOCUS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR HUSBAND and forget about the Baggage and the drama that goes with it. If he cannot push back on the negativity and the Ex then he is a man that you do not want to be involved with…You come first…remember this. All this commentary about being her friend and trying to have coffee with her is BS…the ex will always be jealous of you since you represent what she lost. And if your husband is happier with you and a better man…the Ex will always be upset since he was not like this with her. So DO NOT WASTE YOUR ENERGY…focus your ENERGY on being a Better you: A better lover, wife, career, mother to your own children, friend. Focus energy on YOU. Trust me…there is better ROI when you focus on YOU :) I say this from experience and what has worked for me. If your husband truly loves you…he will work with you and build a strong marriage and foundation. It took a lot of heart ache and pain to get here…but if I could do it all again…I would have taken a stand earlier and not fight his battles unless it impacted me for the future financially. He put himself there…he needed to get himself out. He will learn that his children are not “innocent” like all the articles tell you…especially when the kids are involved in telling the ex everything you do at your home…aka Big Brother. The kids are not innocent when they act up at your house and are perfect angels at her’s. Remember…if you feel uncomfortable with a situation…you have good reason to push back and stay strong. YOU ARE FIRST. YOU ARE NEVER SECOND BEST…YOU ARE FIRST. If you keep this stance, trust me, your husband will feel this way too and treat you as FIRST too.

    1. I love love love this! Thank you. I’m dealing with a toxic ex and unfortunately a stepdaughter that mimics her toxicity. This makes so much sense!

      1. Same here I do everything for my stepdaughter and she doesnt even say goodbye to me before going back to her mother . Should I be the one to say have a nice week or bye see you soon? Same when saying goodnight only says goodnignt to her dad how should I handle this .We have daughters the same age both 13 and my daughter always tells both of us goodnight etc. HER MOTHER HAS BEEN TRYING TO BREAK US UP SINCE DAY 1. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST 5 YEARS and have gone through some serious issues. ONE LANDED BOTH OF US IN JAIL AFTER TOO MUCH DRINKING WHICH I GAVE UP EXCEPT ON WEEKENDS 1 GLASS A NIGHT OF WINE HE STILL DRINKSbut not to get drunk. WE HAVE HAD EMOTINAL, FINANCIAL AND PHYSICAL STRESS BUT STILL MAINTAIN A RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE WE DO LOVE ONE ANOTHER. I HAVE TO DISENGAGE FOR MY OWN SANITY BUT I REFUSE TO GIVE UP MY RELATIONSHIP WHICH I THINK IS WHAT BIO MOM AND STEP DAUGHTER ULTIMATLY WANT. I AM JUST GOING TO TAKE THE POSITIVE ADVISE ON HERE AND FOCUS ON ME AND MY HUBBY AND IGNORE THE HATERS ALSO HAVE A STEP SON WHO IS 18 WHO WHEN MOM GETS TIRED OF HIM KICKS HIM OUT AND HE COMES TO LIVE WITH US FOR AWHILE UNTIL WE DONT GET ALONG HE DOESNT PULL HIS WEIGHT PLAYS VIDEO GAMES , DOES NOT WORK, DOES NOT CLEAN UP AFTER HIMSELF DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL BECAUSE HIS MOM LET HIM NOW HE LIVES BACK OVER THERE SHE GOT HIM A JOB WE WILL SEE HOW LONG THIS LASTS ANYWAY MY HUSBAND BABIES HIS KIDS WHILE MY 13 YEAR OLD GIRL IS MORE MATURE . I CANT LET THEM GET TO ME AS OUR DAUGHTERS ARE VERY CLOSE AND MY DAUGHTER LOVES HER STEPDAD. I have to focus on the positive though. Also bio mom had my husband arrested for child support rears. They had a court date and the judge took the bio moms side. She cost him a good job at volvo. I just dont know when the torture from her ends. We have to take her daughter the first week of school because mom had no electric not the first time this we only pay support for one kid since the other is now 18. I feel like we have to deal with this at least another 5 years when stepdaughter is 18. Also I have been working on my anger and not name calling the step kids aand bio mom and i think that is what has put a wedge between us that and they have gotten involved in our fights in the past one was even recorded by the stepdaughter and bio mom called police we have since reconciled and sat stepdaughter down to let her know she needs to respect boundaries not recording us. Any words of advise would help thankyou also i do love my husband but we but heads on parenting and finances.

    2. This is exactly what i needed to hear. I never imagined it would be this hard and honestly it NEVER occurred to me that a bitter ex-wife could ruin my marriage – but it is happening and I don’t know how to stop it. I am going to read your post daily, because right now it seems like the only thing that will get me through this!

    3. thank you so so so just nailed it. I think I can now deal with that crap from baby mama.Ever since my husband and I wedded..the bitter ex has been frequenting our house, which is something she never did.And only for her to make funny comments about furniture in the house and other trivial matters.

    4. Thank you so much for this comment. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. My husband and I deal with so much hatred, drama, and toxicity from his ex and his oldest daughter that it’s emotionally and mentally taxing. I feel depleted so often because of their shenanigans and the amount of time and energy that is wasted on them both. And now his ex and oldest daughter are targeting their other 3 girls and we see the same patterns beginning to emerge with them. Some days I don’t know if I made the right decision to marry him. But that’s just it I married HIM. NOT his ex and her own personal brand of Crazy. I married HIM. NOT his Children. And, of all of them, he is the absolute best to me. And that’s what matters at the end of every day.

      Thank you, again, for these words. I’ve saved thre entire comments so that I can go back a reread whenever I need to hear it.
      Which will, likely, be daily lol.

      Much love, fellow stepmothers. I wish you all the best.

      1. Well, I am in deep despair …thinking I can no longer continue this relationship with his toxic x-wife and spoiled daughter….he does not stand up to her, kids are not young…This relationship has depressed me and has become too toxic for me. I am n crisis mode.

        1. Stephanie Pacienza

          Do you need to talk? I am here for you. You are worth more than this. You can recover from this. Stay strong and please contact me.

          1. Well, I truly do not know what to do?? I love this man and he caves in to his daughter …if he try’s to stand up for us, she runs home and tells the x-wife, who then cause holy hell, where he is besides himself…caves in and then we are arguing….the only way we can get Ali g is if I let him continue to give them what they want, y not going on a trip we planned, cuz she does not want me to go….so he expects me to…do the right thing, after all I am the adult”. And Volunteering that goal to save trouble. And I resent it and will do it again because the volatility trouble anguish it’s too much for me

  35. I can relate to many of these stories. I have an ex-wife from hell. And, instead of rehashing everything that has been said, I come to the conclusion that my husband and I will keep our relationships separate from their mother’s and her daughters relationship. His children know where we are and can reach out to us at any time. We are not wasting anymore of our precious time on this earth with people like his ex-wife. His kids will figure it out and hopefully control their mom. She is their problem, not ours. I’ve never been around people like her and I continue not to be. Peace out and have a nice life away from us.

    1. Soooo important! “I’ve never been around people like her and continue not to be”. That is my motto too! Life is too short for such negativity!

  36. I need help. I am struggling SO much these days, I fear I am loosing my sanity at times. I am recently remarried (married for 14 months). I have a 6 year old boy and my husband has an 8 year old daughter. At first, life was great for all of us. We all seemed to mesh very well together. But as things between my spouse and I got more serious, his ex made life hell for us. Let me just start off by saying that I met my now husband while in the divorce stage of my ex. My ex cheated a handful of times and was physically abusive to me on 3 occasions. Irregardless, I gave him 50% custody of our son, never asked for child support, assumed the house and all the debt from our credit cards and sent him on his way. It was the easiest and cleanest way to break up without having to draw out the battle in court. We actually have a pretty good relationship with each other now and never fought in front of our son. My son loves his father and he is a bad husband, but a great dad. Stable, kind to his kid and dependable. This is the type of relationship I guess I figured all sane women wanted for their children. I never went to court with him bc I knew it would have an effect on our son, who is my world and I will fight to the death to protect him from any emotional damage. That being said, my now husbands ex-wife has done so much to damage not only me and my husband but my son as well. I am loosing myself trying to keep it together. It all started when she filed a baseless protection from abuse order on my husband bc his daughter lost her first tooth at out house and I was not willing to let her have it. Why should I? She lost it here and the tooth fairy visited our house that evening. She went to the courts and claimed that my husband ripped her tooth out on purpose and that she had to take her daughter to the ER for bleeding. Obviously when the matter went to a hearing all was dismissed.
    Then she tried to move 5 states away with his daughter and proposed that she get full custody with him having visitation via Skype in the summer. So then we had to go back to court for that. Did I mention her proposed move date was the day of our wedding that her daughter was the flower girl for? During the waiting period for a relocation hearing, she moved anyway, without his knowledge or consent 38 miles away behind his back and tried to put her in a new school. Well, the judge put an emergency order in stating that daughter stay in same school district until the hearing which was 6 months away. So I make twice what my husband does in earnings. I funded all the legal nonsense and am currently footing the 25K bill for legal fees. At the time of the relocation hearing, he only had 33% physical custody and 50% legal custody bc of all the lame abuse allegations she had on him and courts here are quick to believe a woman over a man. I couldn’t stand by and watch this happen so I paid my layer to fight back. Anyway, the judge ordered that he and his ex-wife, who is a Licensed PHD in neuro-psychology by the way, go see a court ordered therapist and let a third party decide who the child should be with. He didnt know what to believe after 5 baseless abuse allegations that never had any valid proof like police reports, medical visits etc. had been filed by her. The court ordered therapist testified that it is she, the ex-wife, who is actually abusive emotionally to my husband and bullys him and she stated that she has caught her in so many lies during their sessions, there was no negotiating with the ex-wife. It was her way or she lied and cheated to get her way. She also, because of the 38 mile unjust move, foreclosed on a house that she was supposed to refinance in her name solely when she and my husband divorced and never did. So now he has crap credit and is in the foreclosure process. She did this so she could buy a new bigger house, 38 miles away without anyone’s knowledge and without court approval. we found out when his daughter told us one day that mommy packed all her toys and was moving in a week! We had to of course move too. So i had to rent my current house out, move my son away and actually, I bought a bigger house than she did, in the middle of the two families so my son was still close to his dad and my husband wasnt so far from his daughter. My step daughter will never be loyal to me. Every time there is a disagreement between mom and I, or between dad and her mom and she finds out about it, which she is almost 9 now and smart enough to pick up on things, I never get anything from her but attitude, eye rolls and kicked to the curb. She loves to choose sides, but never mine. Her daughter makes me feel very unloved and disrespected and unappreciated. My husband loves me, I know he does, He is wonderful and when its just he and I or he and I and m son, I feel on top of the world. But the reality is, he has a daughter and an ex, who is remarried and should move on, but constantly finds ways to bother us and emotionally and financially screw us. I have to accept them all as I have accepted him. But Im dying inside and Im depressed and I dont know how to stop the hate I have. I dont and will not give up on this marriage. My hubby and I are meant for each other. But how do I cope with his ex and his daughter? I have talked to my husband about all this and he is very defensive about his daughter, She can do no wrong.

    1. I completely understand your situation as I find myself in the same boat. If you would like to talk more, let me know. I hope it gets better for you!!!

    2. Stephanie, I have gone through so much of this…so many similar things. My husbands ex called the police on me!?! She said she felt threatened when she came to pick up the kids. I was devastated! I’ve never even gotten a speeding ticket! The courts in MN feel so bad for the poor, helpless, defenseless mother….my husband gets slammed with legal fees, parenting time restrictions even though he has done NOTHING wrong. His ex’s father was a police officer, so she knows all the tricks. False police reports are difficult to prove, but once they are made against you, you are defined as the problem. It literally makes me sick. And it’s ruined our marriage. I honestly can’t see us coming back from this.

      1. This is exactly what is happening to me.. I’m the hated new wife and the exwife is doing everything she can to destroy me and my marriage. Including turn my 2 step daughters against me and helping them come up with lies of abuse. Sad disgusting insecure exwife who is remarried and expecting her third child. The funny thing is she married a man who went to jail for getting caught with illegal drugs, went to jail for a dui and resisting arrest, and many more! She’s filed emergency protection orders against me when in reality my stepdaughters really need to be protected from her mental abuse.

      2. I am so sorry to hear that NewWife :(
        People say “don’t let it get to you”….I wish it were that easy. She just enrolled her son in counseling, she told the counselor that she is concerned that I am abusing their son – Ummmm, what?!? I have no idea where this stuff comes from and I honestly don’t think it will ever end. We only found out because my husband called the therapist to find out how the session went. She’s never once voiced a concern to their dad, only does what is necessary for documentation purposes. It feels like I am constantly getting kicked back down every time I try to get up. I know none of these things are true – but if you look at me from the courts perspective…I have a police report filed against me, apparently child abuse allegations, what’s next?
        I met my husband 3 years after their divorce – so I’m not real sure what her issue is. All I know is that it is putting so much stress on my marriage :(
        How do you keep this from ruining your marriage?

  37. This came too late for me, or maybe I actually had a lucky escape, I met a lovely man in summer 2015, he had moved to my country because he couldn’t find work in his own country, and needed to support his family. When we got together, he had only been officially separated from his estranged wife for 3 months. I didn’t realise it had been such a short time until I had been with him about a month, but I think that was a big red flag. They must have been married for 20 yrs as the eldest of their 3 kids was in his late teens. Whenever I asked my guy what went wrong, he would say “She changed.” He was alone in my country, very isolated, and I now realise that I was simply someone to make him feel less lonely. He seemed to adore me, but very early on I picked up on the fact that she was constantly texting him over the weekends when we were together. He would often be in a low mood, and very early on I said to him that I understood him needing to communicate with regard to the children, but when she was asking him stupid things like how to fix the computer, I didn’t think that was reasonable. At the beginning, when he was desperate to hold on to me, he seemed to agree, and stopped instantly responding to her texts. I very naively thought that I had done the right thing by setting boundaries so soon.
    However, as time wore on, and they were after all in the early stages of separation, he was often down, really missed his children and family life, and I sensed that perhaps I, a woman without kids of my own, might not be enough for him. Furthermore, we were only together for 11 months, but throughout that time I felt sure that he and her weren’t really “done” with each other. He seemed easy going on the surface, and with his guy friends and fellow ex pals, but he was often very withdrawn with me at my place, and I felt very lonely at times with him and sensed I wasn’t always being told the full story of what was happening with him and her.
    To my eternal regret, I did a very stupid thing at the end. Certain that he didn’t love me (he never said it in the 11 months we were together), I stopped taking his calls, hoping he would show me that I was as important as her. But I also thought he would be better with a woman who had her own kids, so I guess I kind of let my doubts, my sense of sadness about my own childlessness, ruin the love I had for him. I was absolutely broken hearted when he did finally get in touch and wanted to meet me. After stringing me along for a while, he told me that he had met someone else within just a couple of weeks of my going silent. I don’t know anything about this new woman, but I did tell him I still wanted him. He left me thinking we might get back together, and finally live together. It had been me who had wanted this earlier but he said it was too soon. Neither of had ever friended each other on FB, me because I didn’t really want his wife to see my pics or know too much about me, and it seemed a bit insensitive (he also had an open profile), and perhaps I didn’t want to flaunt us. Sadly he just disappeared out of my life at that last meeting, and I never heard from him again. He was kidding me. It hurts a lot, he ackowledged that I had “healed my broken heart”, yet he very quickly walked away from me and found someone else, as if I hadn’t existed. What hurt even more was that I wouldn’t look at his FB page as I dreaded seeing any news about the new woman, yet just weeks after I’d met him, his ex was referring to her as his “new lover”, so he obviously went public with her after just a couple of months. It also wouldn’t surprise me if he is living with her already too, and they won’t even be 4 months yet. I know I should never have looked at his ex’s profile, and let my insecurity get the better of me. But, clearly if he could replace me so soon, he didn’t really care that much for me.
    One thing which makes this easier is that his ex often made barbed comments about him on her FB page (despite the fact that their kids are old enough to see this). and with all her posing and flirting with other guys on there, plus my knowledge of her regular and very long messaging him when we were together, so I suspect that had he and I become more serious, I would have had years of this stuff to deal with.
    It still hurts a lot, I was a very supportive girlfriend, and loved him very deeply, and I am the one left alone again while he sets up home with yet another woman. But honestly, reading all your comments, and particularly because I am too old to have my own babies, I believe the lifelong ties he will have with his ex (their youngest kid is only 9 and has a serious health condition), the fact that they have kids together and i couldn’t with him, would have eaten away atme. I would always have been “the dud”, the 2nd best woman, we never would have made it. It hurts a lot now, but perhaps I have saved myself more inevitable hurt in the long run.

  38. I can’t even believe the amount of problems I am seeing on here. I met my husband at a young age (24), and he had been divorced for 2 years and had a 5 year old. We kept our relationship secret for numerous reasons (one being he was 12 years my elder and my father is Sicilian and I thought he would kill him). Anyways, we fell in love, and his daughter loved me from the start. We moved in together eventually, and everything was going great. Then his ex started putting things in her daughters head like “daddys girlfriend is a teenager”, etc. etc. After a year, we found out we were expecting. This is when it really went bad. She began to fill her daughters head with crap, and she would come to our house and say “the baby is not my real sister, she’s my stepsister” and “you should be married before you have a baby”. This is all coming from a 6 year old child who obviously knows nothing about what she is being told. Now I am severely pregnant and emotional as it is, and this put mw over the top. Mind you, the mother had no problem pawning her daughter off on me so she could go on dates left and right. She’d get to our house and say “Oh mommy left so and so because he’s a cheater”…..this went on for months and months. Then we lost our house in hurricane Sandy when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant, and this woman did not say she was sorry, send a baby blanket, nothing!!!!!! After that, I was fed up with her, but she had met some guy, and told us they were “starting a life”. Thankfully we found a rental house to move into in time for the baby to be born. My husband now proposed to me the day we brought our daughter home. She was super bitter about that. Anyways, we opened our house up to meet her new boyfriend (2 weeks post partum still in hospital pads) because she requested it and he seemed like an OK guy. Then she sent the daughter over with lice 3 times, one of the times which I contracted it. I contacted the school freaking out, and they said they sent her home with it and told the mother how to take care of it. I had to pay a company $280 to come to my house, comb us all out, and clean out the house. She did not chip in. She actually had the balls to ask ME to comb through her hair and check HER??!! And me being the nice person I am, I did! Next situation was when we got married, she tried to tell me she couldn’t take her so we could go on our honeymoon. This was like the last straw….I had been through soo much in the past year I couldn’t take much more. My husband had to take over because I was ready to lose it. Now, a year later, we got pregnant with my second daughter, and built a 4 bedroom house. While the house was being built, she would send me side texts like “i wanna build a house too”. They take us to T.G.I. Fridays one day for a “meeting” to tell us they are gonna move away. My husband didn’t agree, and they sent us paperwork, which we never signed. She could have very well bought a house around here. She bought a house over an hour away because that was the only area she could afford a house with 4 bedrooms like ours. The difference is that we have 3 kids, and we HAVE to have 4 bedrooms. All she has is her, her boyfriend, and her daughter. When I questioned her, she replied “Im simply getting what you have”. Now the problem we have is that she is living over an hour away illegally, she finally got engaged and is getting married (if he doesn’t get cold feet), and we pay an immense amount of child support. We have not adjusted it since my step-daughter was 4 (required day-care), and now he has 2 other children to support, as well as me since I am a full time student. They both have full time jobs and apparently plenty of money to take Caribbean vacations all the time. We have been the only ones to take this poor kid on vacations. I just don’t even know what to do anymore. She comes to my front door dressed head to toe to the max, constantly!!!!! Like is she trying to get my husband back?? I finally put an end to that and she has to wait in her car now, because when she would come to my door, my toddlers would walk up behind me and say “hi” and she would literally ignore them and turn her back. Don’t come to my door and ignore my kids…they are innocent children, so if you want to act that way, stay in your car and ill send my stepdaughter out. Whenever her and I text, it turns into a battle. We fight constantly. She provokes me, and I tell her how I feel about her as a mother (not very nice but I speak the truth), and it never ends. She sends the kid over in dirty shoes and clothes 2 sizes too small, but yet she is dressed to the nines. Im just over it.

    1. Stop expecting his ex to be a nice person. She’s a jealous b!@#$. That’s why she dresses to the nines and gets a 4 bedroom home. She wants your life. Also, why was it necessary for you to meet her bf in your home when you were recovering from pregnancy? Stop agreeing to things that aren’t good for you. Your husband should be the one dealing with her. I’d advise to get a restraining order against her contacting you for anything besides an emergency or basic communication. Have your husband let her know texts only and if the texts are inappropriate, it will be reported. Have him get the child support re-evaluated. While he’s at it, check into what can be done about her moving more than an hour away. Make it so she has to transport the daughter every single time if she stays there. She’s going to do anything to aggravate you. Lower your expectations of her accordingly. What else can you expect from this horrible person besides her acting out? Meanwhile use what you can against her – for example: the move to a location more than an hour away – make it a problem for her. Give her a taste of her own nastiness. Standing up for yourself is not being mean to her, it is being nice to yourself.

      1. Cheryl is correct…Stop agreeing to things that are not Good for you. If she chose to move away…make her do all the extra work for moving away. This is not your problem…you stayed where it was good for you and your family. DO NOT Sacrifice your happiness or the stability of YOUR family. If your husband is upset with these arrangements, be clear that this is HIS exwife and HIS baggage…so he should deal with it. Cheryl is correct…once the Ex has to deal with her own BS that she created – and her alone…she will loose energy to continue. As the saying goes…there is no fun when you have to play alone…MAKE HER PLAY ALONE…which is what she deserves :) ENJOY YOUR new Baby…What a blessing! Spend energy on what gives you the greatest return (your child) Big Hugs of strength.

    2. Take her bottom back to court!!!! She cannot move without your hubbys consent or court approval. That got my hubby 50% custody and child support from his ex-wife now when she did that same exact thing to us. Do not let her one up you. Stand your ground and fight back legally. You need the money with those kids you have to support. Any judge will take his current situation into consideration when calculating custody and child support now. Trust me!

  39. I’ve been searching the web high and low for a supportive forum for women coming into the lives of a divorced family. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years. He’s 9 years my senior (I’m 28), has two young children from a marriage, but has been separated/divorced for almost as long as his youngest (6 yr old) has been alive. While his ex cheating was the absolute last straw that led to the divorce, there were plenty of other areas in which they never complimented each other as partners. They split custody “50/50” (though my partner is technically the primary parent and the children stay with him far more than 50% of the time) and have no financial dependency on each other. At this point in our relationship I have a very fluid relationship with his children and we already know that we want to be married and have a child of our own together in the near future. Though we don’t quite live together yet, I do stay 90% of the week and help him run his household: put kids on the bus, bring them to their practices, attend games, cook, clean, grocery shop, etc.. Though I’ve always been respectful of his ex (knowing how important that relationship is to keep civil), I find her irresponsible behavior with the kids and incessant texting with my boyfriend to be aggravating. I believe in boundaries, but she consistently crosses them with the amount of texting she does through out the day in spite of my boyfriend telling her multiple times to strictly keep it to emergencies or quick questions (we both agree that it’s better if she skypes with the kids rather than texted him about them all day long). Her job also requires frequent travel and she goes up to a full week without ever seeing her kids. But that isn’t what bothers me. What aggravates me is that after a week of her daughter sobbing at how much she misses her mommy, the woman doesn’t take any interest in keeping her daughter for a night when she’s finally home. Most recently, she took both kids for the afternoon after school but didn’t feed them or do homework – which both myself and my boyfriend had to do late that night at 8:30 when she finally dropped them off. In the heat of the moment, I let my aggravation get the best of me and I called her a skype mother in ear-shot of the kids – whom then told her the next day they saw her. I’m usually very good about controlling my temper about her in front of them, but after witnessing her daughter sobbing for another night in a row, my heart broke for the little girl and I let my anger win. I don’t want my emotions causing animosity between families, nor do I wish to “defame” her in front of her children (as she called it). But I just feel at a loss of how to handle these situations when I’m so protective of these kids. It’s causing me copious amounts of anxiety and stress and I feel helpless. Advice? Help!

      1. Don’t entertain her delusional doings…just stay away from her..ur business with her x got nothing to do with you de guy must deal with his drama queen…dts wat I’m doing silent n I know my God is fighting my battle with her craziness evil

  40. How about an ex wife who pawns her child on not only her OWN family, and she has primary custody and refuses to give more custody to her ex husband regardless and then even goes as far as to contact her ex husbands family to watch her child on HER day of custody because she has something better to do even after her ex husband told her not to. She’s impatient, super controlling, barely works when she LIVES WITH HER DAD and yet gets full child support and we even help her with her car payment because it was premarital property and she could NEVER afford it on her own. My point, I am so fed up with her controlling the custody when she pawns her child off anyways and tells us we cant keep my stepson over night just because she can and then wants us to drive him to HER house because shes “tired” when we work 40 hours a week and she works maybe a day a week!!! She then refuses to pay any medical bills for her son!! We are required to, BUT if it’s 10$ cant you just step up and pay that with as much money as we already give her! I am just fed up with her only doing the absolute BARE MINIMUM because she can and she can get away with it!! We want equal rights with her and her ex husband, now my husband is amazing with his son and all he wants is more/fair time with him. And its almost like he’s punished. She also guilt trips him into watching him for her convenience and treats him like a babysitter. We have agreed to take her back to court because things have changed. We are now married, we have a daughter now among other things,.. but now my husband says we can’t afford it or its just that he really doesn’t want to go through the hassle. I am just so fed up because I have no control and no say when this is a HUGE stressor in my life. I could go on….ADVICE PLEASE BEFORE I LOSE IT!!!

    1. I’m going through pretty much the exact same thing. She cheated, she left. He gave her more than a fair amount in the separation. Enough to buy a beautiful townhouse (although 45 mins away from our house and the kids school) car, and live off of spousal and child support without working. She yells, calls her ex names and berates him as a father and man Infront of the kids since the kids have been preschool aged. When we first got together we also kept it a secret towards her and the kids for almost a year in fear of a blow up. Eventually I met the kids, they liked me and we all had fun. Custody is 70/30 but my partner has always wanted more and have always asked and been willing to take them ANYTIME. On her weekends she often pawns then off on her family and friends to “work” aka go party. He has asked that the kids come over instead of going to their family members home bc they constantly just brainwash the kids on how horrible we are. The kids are now 14(g) and 9(b). It’s like when she turned 13 a switch turned last summer and now she says I’m fake and try too hard. This past year when she is over I am polite ask her how she is, but pretty much leave her to do her own thing. Family vacation comes around again this past August. She is being rude and disrespectful, her dad gets mad, yells at her once but says this attitude needs to stop as she is influencing her younger brother. He does everything she does. Threatens to cancel the trip bc she refused to come over to the house on the weekend. Why would we go on an big expensive trip if she does t even want to be kind or come visit with her dad. ( we realize this is all her mothers influence but she’s still playing all of us) she begs for trip not to be cancelled. We go, she literally says 20 words to us in 8 days!!!! She refuses to spend time with us and does her own thing by herself the whole time texting her mom. We tried to sit down as a family and discuss the issues she’s having with us but she just locks herself in the bathroom and cries. Next day we try to talk- 9 yr old spoke with us and told us how he is feeling and how he thinks we should deal with her. She again refuses. She won’t even look at me while I’m talking. She gets us to drop her off at her moms even tho it was her dads bday the next day. We get there and ww3 starts. Since then (8 weeks) the mother and daughter have been playing with us changing dates, times and place for pick up. Every time my partner drives all the way down to her house to pick them up (which they are supposed to take the bus but she insist on picking them up from school, driving them all the way back down to her house just so he can drive more than an hour in rush hour to get them) the mother manipulates her kids to feeling bad if they leave. She started saying that we are mentally abusing the children and she’s calling cs on us. My partner is the most caring, loving, honest man you could ever meet. He treats these kids like gold and our house is a happy safe place. Now the son will come over but says he feels guilty about coming bc his mom and sister don’t want him to and I WAS MEAN to his sister?????WTF??? His mom shows up at school every time my partner now picks up his son to create a huge scene in front of everyone. There’s no need. Also she now brags she has three jobs and her life is so hard. If she has three jobs how can she be able to go in the middle of the day to cause all this drama. Again this weekend on thanksgiving she said they couldn’t come over. Then last minute (I assume she was trying to make plans for herself) agrees to let him have them for a late dinner today. His daughter calls and says she doesn’t want to if I’m there- this has been here new thing the past couple weeks. I’m away at work thankfully and hoping Sams finally going to be able to spend time with his kids. He is calm speaking to her, she misunderstands and thinks I’m home so says she won’t come and starts crying- mother jumps on the phone says we are abusing her, he just hangs up. Texts his daughter asking wth just happened and if his son is still coming. Ex says no he ruined her thanksgiving and now won’t let the son come. He is so heartbroken and lost without these kids it’s so much stress and drama!! This woman is totally brainwashing and its soooo sad bc they are just a witness and sponge to this behaviour. She’s mad she can’t control what he does anymore and that we are actually happy and the kids do like me. It’s starting to tear us apart. I obviously feel guilty that they are using me as their reason not to come over- but I’ve never been anything but my fun easygoing caring self! The mother of course says it’s not me to my face…. There so much more I could write 100 novels and it’s only been 4 years. Cheers to all you ladies hanging in there!! Take a breath and remind yourselves you are okay and she will not get the best of us! She will not make our lives hell. Love and peace to all!!

      1. Go back to court and get holidays ironed out. Pick up and drop off times too. The best thing you and your man can do, it make every single min of custody spelled out so she cant change anything based on emotions. And if you do get that and she derails from it, file a police report every time. This is what I did. when you go back to court with a stack of police reports on how mom couldn’t keep with the court order, they will likely give dad more custody, and that lowers child support. I feel for you. How horrible it must be to be put down and made to feel like you are nothing by your step daughter. Thats just awful. Im so sorry that you are going through that. Just continue to try and be as nice as you can. her hormones will calm down one day and she will come around. Especially if your man gets more time and she is forced to be with you and him. Let her see how and who you really are without her mom constantly in her ear, psychologically abusing her. How awful for the girl too! Her mother is ruining her and her emotional health. Maybe file some kind of abuse against her. Emotional abuse is still abuse, just bc its not physical doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be handled the same way. I would call CYS and let them know that this little girl is displaying signs of emotional abuse and if her mom has more custody than her dad, its clear who is causing it.

  41. My husband of 15 years and his ex divorced long before I was in the picture. Their son was a baby at the time of the divorce. She got everything she asked for in the divorce settlement; all the money in their joint accounts, full & physical custody of their son, and three times the state’s allowance for child support. (My husband wanted the marriage over so badly that he agreed). Additionally, the ex has been getting $2400 per month in alimony for the past 20 years. During his childhood and teen years he had visitation with us 4 days per month. These days were always filled with his scheduled activities so we really had little personal time with him. This was very detrimental because we didn’t really develop a close parent/ stepparent relationship with him. (Of course we were always loving, fun and friendly with him). When it was time for him to go to college, my husband paid his tuition and gave him a monthly allowance per their divorce settlement. He lived in a townhouse with a roommate during school and even stayed there during the summers, so the ex got used to having her home to herself. He graduated from college three weeks ago and she agreed to let him live at home. Last week she sent my husband an email stating that it was now our turn to have him live with us until he finds a job. My husband has not responded to her. We feel that it would be up to my stepson to ask us to live here, since he is a 22 year old man. In truth, my husband and I don’t want him to move in. During his childhood, we lived in a low income area with a high crime rate . Two years ago, husband and I both inherited money (not an enormous amount, but coupled with no longer having to pay child support or college tuition we were finally able to get ahead). We’ve recently moved to a new home in a safe suburban neighborhood. Our new home is just the right size for us, but would be extremely crowded and uncomfortable with another person and their stuff living here. Not to mention, after raising my kids to successful adulthood, I’m completely finished with having to deal with someone else’s needs and schedule. My husband and I want to be empty nesters and stay that way barring a true emergency with our kids. Also, my stepson is working part-time and has over 100K in his savings from inheritances. I think he could find an apartment with a roommate and live on his savings until he gets a job. It makes me mad that my husband’s ex continues to try to control our lives now that my stepson is an adult. Money is not an issue for her, as she is from a very wealthy family. Are we horrible people for feeling the way that we do? I really feel like the ex made mine and my husband’s relationship with my stepson weak by so controlling our time with him. Any suggestions on how to handle this or how to gently let our son/stepson know that moving in with us isn’t an option.

  42. My husband and I very recently got married after dating for four years. They finalized their divorce the same month that we met and she remarried soon after. They have 3 young school age children and I have two young girls myself. They have always had joint custody and his children go back and forth quite a bit. I was always so happy that his children accepted me right away and got along so well with my own daughters. It was a very smooth transition as we began to spend more and more time together. Here is the issue though…his ex wife is extremely controlling and sends him so many texts a day that it feels like harassment. I’ve watched as he grows more and more anxious and has developed stomach ulcers due to stress. She recently stopped letting him see his oldest daughter and we are going through the courts to get everything worked out. It feels like she is using her daughter to hurt him but I don’t understand why she would feel the need to do that. She was the one who decided she didn’t want to stay married and she has already moved on with another man. It’s funny that your article talks about sitting down to coffee with the ex wife because I had thought about doing that myself. I’m just afraid that she will somehow use it in a negative way or twist my words to support her own agenda. I’ve been praying for God to touch her heart and open her eyes to the pain she is causing. I don’t know what else to do. I hate seeing my husband in so much pain.

    1. I really understand what you’re going through. Thank you for mentioning prayer for her. I feel like that is all I can do at this point.

  43. You sound like an awesome person, Needs Advice! You feel guilty for going against your boyfriend’s ex-wife’s wishes…because you understand her position. I really admire you – you are a good woman.

    It sounds like your boyfriend’s ex-wife is trying to protect their child from getting attached to you, until you and your boyfriend know what your future holds. Objectively, I respect her perspective. I’m sorry to say that because I know you came here looking for support!

    I know you love your boyfriend, and you want the best for him. You want to build a relationship with him and his child, and of course the only way to do that is to spend time together. But in order to have a “clean” relationship and strong bond with him and his child, I think you need to respect his ex-wife’s wishes.

    It’s difficult, and it’s not fair…but it sounds like that’s the only route you can take that will allow you to sleep at night.

    What do you think you should do?

  44. Any advice would be so lovely!
    I started dating my boyfriend while he was going through his divorce with his ex wife. They got divorced a few months ago but ever since she found out about me she has had nothing good to say about me or my boyfriend.

    She recently has asked me to not spend any time with their child until we know we want to get married. I don’t want to get married anytime soon but I am definitely serious about my boyfriend and have never felt a better connection. After this request it has made our relationship extremely difficult as I can’t see my boyfriend much to begin win because he travels for work. So when he is with his kid I feel like I can’t hang with them. I did hang out with them once recently upon my boyfriends request and I felt an enormous amount of guilt I could barely even handle it.

    I know everything says to form a relationship with the ex wife but it literally feels impossible. I know she hates me and she is still hurt and bitter over the divorce I feel like there’s nothing I can say to make it better. I want this relationship to work so bad and I can see it working—but not if she continues you to feel this way.

    I feel so lost and guilty. I have no children no ex spouses and am fairly young. I know I could take an easier route in life but I don’t want to give up the relationship.

    Any advice or perspective?

    1. i think the your boyfriends needs to get his own priorities in order, find his own strength and stop jumping to his ex wife demands – or life will always be like this. My boyfriend stopped receiving text messages from his ex and only communicates by email as she was way over the top and sending far too many messages and being abusive. Using email has stopped 99% of that crap. Also, the children need to see that you are your own people and need to know that his father has strength to stand up for himself and needs to understand that you do not treat people the way his ex is treating you. The only way to do that is to show the child that you are your own person and will not bend to the demands of unrealistic people. The ex is getting her way and your losing your life with your man. (Plus, you’re losing yourself in the process of letting another person dominate your life) My question to you is what is more important….the happiness of your mans ex or the happiness you can create as a family together now despite her unrealistic demands. My partner has 2 kids under the age of 7 and his ex is extremely difficult – we cannot allow her to control our lives or it will never stop and the children must feel loved on both sides, not just on her side. Also, they need a stable example of how to treat people properly and a good example of a connected and loving family where both parents support each other.

    2. I feel your pain. I was in the same situation when I began dating my now husband. His ex-wife wanted to dictate our relationship, insisted on meeting me, and basically wanted to run our relationship. The truth is… they aren’t together anymore. When your boyfriend has his child HE gets to choose who he exposes his child to. HE is half of that equation and unfortunately many ex-wives have a hard time realizing they no longer control their ex-husbands. You don’t need her approval or consent to be in his childs life. That is up to you and your boyfriend. Trust your gut and don’t let her run your relationship. What she is doing is alienating you and its working.

      BTW: I am an ex-wife and a step-mom. My ex and I had (he is deceased now) an amazing co-parenting relationship and respected each others space and private lives. We had the co-parenting relationship you rarely see but we worked to establish. So I do know both sides.

      Good Luck and don’t let her ruin your relationship!!!

  45. I met my soon to be husband during the divorce process of his ex wife. She had moved out and left the kids and had no desire to ask for the in the divorce. And at the time the kids were 3 years and 16 months old. I also have 2 kids that were 6 and 3 years old. Soon after we moved in together his 3 year old started calling me mom all on her own. We made sure she knew i wasn’t her only “mom”. The ex wife was seeing the kids regularly but right before the 16 month old turned 2 she moved to a different state about 3.5 hours away and her regular ever other weekend visits turned into a very 6-8 weeks. At first before I came along they had a mutual agreement about helping pay childcare. But that stopped soon after. Now we are battling the court system. She got remarried and was still working and starting to agree to help pay for activities. But just recently she quick working because he makes enough money but when my fiance brought up about the activities she stated she couldn’t help because she isn’t working. I dont understand how she thinks she can stop working if she cant help take care of her kids. I dont ever communicate with her because I dont have anything nice to say. She only see the kids when its convenience for her, does call them and when the kids are with her she doesnt allow us to talk to them. We are waiting on another court date in October to see if they are going to make are pay but now she doesnt have a job either.

  46. Jessica schneider

    I need help. I love my boyfriend. We dated about 2 years. He was currently married but separated from wife. They got divorced. They have three kids. She is a horrible excuse for a person and mother. She even came to our house and assaulted me (I had her arrested). His kids were rude at first too! We eventually split up for a year and are now back together. I don’t know how to deal with her and the kids. I want to help him. She is hell bent on destroying him now that we are back together. She says every nasty thing under the sun about him and me to the kids. She is trying to financially ruin him and even threatens to have him arrested (for stupid things). She even threatens to hit their daughter if she wants to call her father. I adore the children but they are so traumatized they barley speak. She screwed him over so badly during the divorce he is barley keeping his head above water. she tries to keep children away and we had to call police to get them. If she sends them over for the weekend she sends him with nothing no clothes no toothbrush not even a pair of underwear and tells them “you’re dad owes child support and is a peice of s**t so he can buy you clothes”. I really love this man and want to spend the rest of my life but told him he has to have this resolved before we move together and start a life together. ive had him talk to police and a lawyer but nothing helps. Can anyone offer advise?

    1. She sees you as succeeding where she failed and she is miserable. Your husband’s ex-wife is trying to spread her venom. Is there anyway the lawyers can have it put in an agreement that the children must bring adequate clothing when they come over? If not, perhaps purchasing enough underwear, toothbrushes and inexpensive outfits like sweats to get them through the weekend. Then send them home in the outfit they arrived in, washed of course. Any bad things she says to the kids, have him say mommie is confused Daddy is current on his support, not sure why she said that. Sounds like you all really need to go through emails only, no texting and do not answer the phone, listen to the voice mail and then decide whether or not to reply. Do not engage in any pissing matches. This only feeds her fury and pays attention to her bs and it will get worse… Good luck!

  47. Jun, what does your boyfriend say about you going with him and helping him with his ex wife’s cancer treatments? That’s the first step – talk to him and allow him to take the lead on this situation.

    My feeling is that you should let your boyfriend go and help his ex wife. Cancer is an extremely scary, painful, difficult disease to cope with. This is not about you and your relationship with your boyfriend; it’s about his ex wife’s health, possible death, and his boys.

    Don’t make this about you. Don’t let jealousy or insecurity cloud your thinking. Be strong and courageous, be graceful and kind. Allow them the freedom they need to take care of themselves.

    The more kind, loving, and gentle you are, the more your boyfriend will appreciate you. And if you allow your best, most loving self to rise to the surface, you’ll be able to sleep at night with a clear conscience. You’ll know that you made healthy decisions that weren’t motivated by your own fears or insecurities.

  48. My boyfriend ex wife is now is a stage 2 cancer and he is going to visit his family as his boys asked him to take care of her. I can understand that he is doing it for the boys but I feel uncertain. I am thinking to go with him and help him too but don’t know if his boys or his ex wife will agree? Can I have advise?

    1. If your boyfriend wants to look after his ex-wife and kids during this crisis, you must love him and support him even more. He is a caring and compassionate human being.

      I have been going through breast cancer for three years.

      If you really want to help:

      Ask what she can eat and
      cook for her and the boys
      and have your husband take it to their house, as a first step.

      If your boyfriend and she are in agreement, help with their children (school runs, after school activities, take them out to a movie on chemo days)

      Offer to run errands (pick up meds, go grocery shopping, take the kids shopping when they need something)

      If you can and your relationship allows, offer to drive her to treatment and keep her company

      Take her out for a manicure and pedicure

      Be as kind and supportive as you can. Being jealous is the WORST thing you can do in this situation.

      Your boyfriend sounds like a real catch – don’t blow it. If you are a reason for more stress, it will only backfire on YOU!!!

      I have been dealing with the ex-wife from hell for almost 30 years. In three years, she hasn’t so much as sent an email to check on me.

      I pray she never gets cancer, but I would rise above any hate or bitterness she has for me and ultimately help my husband and stepchildren.

      I love them all more than anything. Not to mention: I love myself and it would be the right thing to do.

  49. I have been with my bf for 5 years, he has a daughter from his previous relationship and his ex is such a nightmare. He has a court order that says that he is to have their daughter every other weekend and she is supposed to meet us half way as we live 3 hours away from them and she does not follow the court order. He had to pay $800 perr month for their one child for years, at that time she was partying hard and would let us take their daughter for long periods of time after the money hit her bank. My bf was in a dangerous field of work, he is a tree faller and was hit and half his body was crushed. After that he could not work and after his accident he could not afford that $800 payment every month, she didnt care one bit and took him to court and tried to ruin him. She keeps their daughter away for months at a time because she doesnt get her way, she feels entitled to his money and because she wasnt getting that high amount we dont get their daughter. She is making our life miserable, I feel like giving up because of how depressing it makes me feel. She is married with two other kids, but yet still feels the need to make our life hell. She has never worked a day in her life, my bf and I on the other hand both work hard to have a good life but she is making it so miserable for us. She puts things in their daughters head about us that is just down right disgusting. I dont know how to deal with it, im at my breaking point. I am 26 and my bf is 39, we have been together for 5 years. I want to get married and have my own babies, I dont have any yet but i feel my bf doesnt want to do these things because of the stresses he is dealing with from his ex. His daughter absolutely loves me, ive been in her life since she was 3, she is going to be 9 soon. His ex would not meet us at the pick up and drop off location which is an hour drive for her because she was pregnant and “couldnt drive” now she is saying that I cannot take care of their daughter because I have a drinking and drug problem which is not true. I work 6-7 days a week and am a pretty serious person trying to get my life together. I hate that I let her get to me, ive broken down crying and almost giving up on our relationship because she wont butt out and be civil. Its always something with her, she is finding any excuse to keeep their child away from us and we are good people. My bf is a really good father who loves his little girl so much but everything is taken away because his ex is still so bitter. She plays the victim really well, she is always writing in the emails that he abused her,, that she is to scared and not comfortable meeting uus herself, that we threaten her and that my bf is unstable. She has called the cops many of times saying that we threaten her, which is not true. I dont know what to do any more. I love my bf to much to leave, but dont want to stay and feel like this anymore. I want my own family but sometimes dont feel like it will happen for us because of all the stress she puts on him and i. If I knew it would be like this before I got to serious I would have never ended up being with a man who has a child because of all the problems that come along with it.

    1. I feel your pain. Similar in that I feel like all this stress is making him want more children ( with me less and less bc this experience for him so far as a father has been so hard and stressful). I love him too much to leave as well although last year I almost did a couple of times. We have gotten stronger but it still doesn’t seem fair that my life and wants for the future doesn t matter as much as the rest of theirs. It’s heartbreaking to watch it happen and frustrating as all to get pulled into it. Stay strong!

  50. The Ex-Wife Who Wants My Husbands’ Income as a Go Fund Me Page~

    Ex-wife of 15 years. She has been in a non-marital relationship for 9 years. Husband and I married and together for 6 years. Between them, an 18 & 20 year old young adult children. Child support is completed. Relationships between everyone is amicable.

    Now ex-wife believes he should continue to assist with the young adults living expenses. Her excuse??? because “she can’t do it on her own.” She failed to plan for life post alimony and child support (e.g. did not obtain a degree or stable job with security) and prioritized trips, plastic surgery and being super mom on my husbands’ dime. Ex-wife enables the young adults to be irresponsible (verbatim “Susie will never be able to self support and pay bills until she graduates”). Ex-wife sends my husband texts and emails whining about her financial woes and how destitute she is, although she chooses to work as a personal trainer and part time secretary at plastic surgeon’s office. In my opinion, one can’t live on a champagne budget on a beer salary.

    We plan to meet with the young adults to discuss what we are willing to assist with during college. From the ex-wife view, because we are excluding her input, it is being spun as we are leaving the young adults high and dry, and everyone is stressing out because the ex-wife cannot pay the bills. We would like to start preparing for retirement and saving financially is within reach with child support off the table. We are open to providing assistance for the young adults at a fraction of the child support, but directly to them, not the ex-wife. Our finances is not her personal Go Fund Me page, as it appears she believes, based on her behavior.

    My question is and please be straight with me… How should I proceed and how cautiously???? I am in need of sound advice.

    1. Laura- You and your husband are absolutely right to provide the monetary assistance directly to the kids… However, you did not mention whether or not the adult children reside with the ex or are they away at college? If the ex is still putting a roof over their heads, it makes it dicey. As she is incurring the cost of housing them. BUT your husband has provided on her behalf enough already with alimony.. It’s tough. Maybe the ex should downsize and live more within her means..

      1. Thank you for your input. It is appreciated. As you know it is difficult to put all details into a short narrative.

        For clarification, the 20 year old works minimally with less ambition to pick up more hours even when not in school during summer. The question is is this intentional b/c it is expected money will continue to flow? The 20 yr resides at home & at the moment the 18 yr will be on campus.My husband and I still pay health insurance for them. We are there to ‘help’ through the college years not ‘support’ especially when the ex wife or adult kids refuse to put skin in the game. I question how much responsibility ex-wife and kids will take.

    2. We paid for my stepson’s college and have given him personally a monthly allowance throughout college. He graduated three weeks ago and is job hunting. We told him that we would continue with his allowance (it’s not much $200 per month) until he finds a job. Now ex (who is very financially well off -has family money, a high paying job, and a live-in boyfriend with a high paying job) wants stepson to live with us until he finds a job because she doesn’t want any more financial responsibility. We really don’t have the room in our new home and if he asks we’re going to gently say no. Perhaps giving the kids a small allowance to cover their gas and a bit of food and encourage them to work! I worked 40 hours per week and went to college full-time, so I don’t have a ton of sympathy for adult kids who can’t work. I think it’s time for you and your husband to focus on yourselves and your future. It sounds like your husband has been extremely responsible, like mine was, with paying child support. Now be generous and responsible with yourselves. That’s what we plan on doing!

  51. Help. I have been with my partner for about 20 years. He has 3 adult children, all over 30 who I get on with well. We had split for a round six years but got back together and it took me a long time to decide to move back in with him and I thought we had gotten over our issues – namely his ex wife always seemed to be involved in ALL our activities with his adult children. I don’t mind us being together at birthdays, christmas times etc but she seems to be trying to involve herself in other things – namely she said she would take us to the airport for my partner and I going on holiday. I said thanks but no thanks my sister would take us as normal. My partner phoned his daughter to see if she could take him to collect his car from the garage – his ex wife went along too!! He didn’t tell me this as he didn’t want me to be upset/angry. She mentioned it to me at lunch I had for father’s day. I told my partner she had said this and I asked him why he hadn’t told me. He said he knew that I would be upset but he hadn’t known she would be coming along with his daughter, but we ended up rowing because I was upset and angry because he hadn’t told me! Am I wrong? I don’t know how to resolve this. My partner won’t say anything to his ex as he doesn’t want to upset the applecart. I don’t want to say anything either as I have a good relationship with his children. BUT I don’t want to live like this and have her think she can continue in this way. Any advice would be appreciated. Do I just leave?

    1. In my opinion, consider the following questions…

      Does the ex-wife consider you close or feels she has a bond with you that makes you and she equal to the spouse? Is it possible she does not see two as company and three a crowd? Does she believe the adult kids are the gateway to any and all interaction to the dad? Do you believe she privately desires to have the husband in her life again?

      Has her behavior in the past been vindictive, intrusive, or shown lack of respect for your relationship with the husband?

      Do you believe you can talk to her, woman-to-woman, and air your feelings with tact and yet no holds barred? Are you capable of standing for yourself to the ex-wife and putting limitations on her intrusiveness?

      You cannot make your relationship with his children more important than your happiness with yourself. As 30 year old adults, they should be capable of seeing beyond the curtain of politeness and may respect you more for it. Is it possible that the ex-wife hasn’t moved on because YOU have not shown her the behavior is not appropriate to you?

      Some men are non-confrontational and while he may acknowledge your feelings, is uncomfortable being the go between to his ex-wife on your behalf. It does not make him right or wrong, but may cause him to try to avoid any frustration or anger on your behalf, further putting gas on your proverbial fire.

      Pat, seriously examine the benefit of leaving (again) and if it will solve the issues and recognize what are you hoping to achieve. Is there counseling you and your husband can attend? I do not believe anyone will be comfortable advising you to leave in this forum. Only you can answer that question. Best regards.

  52. I am grateful that i have found this site. Whilst it is comforting to know I am not alone in experiencing these struggles, it is so sad to read some of these comments.
    I have been with my partner for 3 years. He had been in a very long relationship with his ex wife and they have 3 children together. I met my partner after they had already been separated for almost a year. and in many similar cases they had seperated becasue she had been unfaithful amongst other reasons.
    My partner is an amazing father and he has always been very flexible with his ex wife demands. he provides more financial support than he is required to, he attends as many activities as he can with the kids, he has always agreed to her weekend swap requests and he does all of the driving when it comes to picking up & dropping off the children. he has never complained about any of it.
    We are in a bit of a tricky situation.
    we currently have the kids 5 nights each fortnight. this has been the set arrangement for the past 3 years and has generally worked well. this year, the ex wife has decided to enrol the children (all under 12yr old) into so many activities that they have something on every single week night as well as every saturday and occassional sundays. not only are we concerned about the childrens well being (they are being burnt out!) but this means we are not getting to spend quality time with the children.
    when she suggested the latest activity for the youngest (6) my partner said he would not agree to it. (this is the first thing he has not agreed to) as a result all hell has broken loose. for the last few months he has continued to cop abuse from his ex. she bombards him with horrible text messages and worst she involves the children. eg she turns up to school when he is supposed to get them and she says things like ‘your dad doesnt want you this weekend’
    i am proud of my partner for never involving the kids. if she tries to engage in conflict with him he does not participate. but its now becoming a bigger issue. she is demanding that he change his nights with the kids (which is not possible due to work committments – i might add that both my partner & i work full time, she works 2 days a week)
    i am worried about my partner, not only does he have a highly stressful job, he has to cope with his ex wife constantly trying to make his life hell, he also has to deal with the kids (that unfortunately get manipulated by their mother to think he is the worst dad in the world) and try to maintain a happy life with me.
    i try to be as supportive as i can of him but i feel like a sitting duck. he is going through the process of mediation but i wonder whether this will help? im at the stage where i am wondering what is worst.. agreeing to her every demand which would involve having no quality time with the children as we would be too busy running them around to their multiple activities which is also very exhausting for the kids and us OR continuing to stand our ground on this particular activity that we have not agreed to and dealing with her constant abuse over it and her threats to not allow us to have the children when we are supposed to.
    in an ideal world, i would love for her to just be happy that her kids have a loving father that does put alot of time & effort into his children. and that I as his partner treat the children well as if they are my own. i cant stand the woman and i hate her for the constant hurt and stress she causes but i would even like for her to find a decent man that makes her happy – FOR THE KIDS SAKE. I would like the kids to have a happy environment to live in and to have a healthy relationship with both parents. its hard watching her constantly put herself before the children but we cannot control her actions.
    im feeling a bit lost at the moment. my partner and i try to remain positive and strong but it all takes its toll and has left us feeling a bit deflated. we arent sure which direction is best anymore.

  53. Wow I can relate to so many of these comments!!
    My husband has a psycho ex. They have a child together which gives her a great excuse to hassle him. Always ringing him, always demanding more money, always questioning how he affords things. Saying things about me! That she saw me with another bloke etc! She lies so much so as if I want to have a coffee with her. Her daughter calls me mummy too and I find that hard.
    I’m sick of it. So many times I’ve wanted to leave. It’s gone on years and we now have a child of our own so I feel trapped and like I have to stay.
    If I could go back I would NEVER get with a man that’s got a child.

  54. I have a very similar story but only with a very different ending. SadlyMy husband eventually took his life 18 months ago. He could not take the stress his ex caused in our life. She was out to destroy him and succeeded. His ex did everything in her power to destroy him financially and finally where it hurt most by taking his only son away from him. He lived for his son who was only then 11 yrs old. She was the one who had an affair. When I met my husband that had been divorced for 2 yrs already and living with the man she had an affair with and is still living with him. My husband was good to her went the extra mile. Never defaultEd paid more than he actually should have all in good faith but all changed when he met me. She made our lives he’ll. Now I am left to deal with her. Yes now she obviously wants to get her hands on his money. Its disgusting. We are devastated and broken by this tragedy. He deserved better. He was a well known business man and respected in the community. I ensure his legacy lives on and run his business in honor of him and for everything he stood for but it does not take away the void I feel everyday by not having him by my side. I miss him at work I miss him at home. Life is not the same. I only wish I went searching for answers long ago. It would of been nice to show him that we were not alone and others were also going through what we were.

    1. What advice can I give. I regret fighting for his son. In hindsight we should of let things be and hope that one day the truth will come out. But we thought we would fight for my stepson as we knew he was being manipulated by his mother. She turned him against us. We never saw it coming. I have so many regrets. If only we just let her get her way just maybe just maybe my husband would be here today.

  55. “the only thing that will break us up is you carrying on about her interference” Oh really? Translation: “I don’t know what to do about it or I’m afraid of her and you will put up with it and shut up.” Run from a guy like this but before you do, tell him: “This will stop or we will stop. And good luck finding a woman who will put up with this.” This will either motivate him to confront her – or the next woman is getting more of the same BS. Eventually she will leave him too or he will grow a brain and some balls and stand up for himself. Meanwhile you move on to a guy who isn’t afraid to put up boundaries to an overly intrusive, needy ex.

    1. lol so true why didn’t I do this all in hindsight, he made me out to be some type of lunatic. In the end she was the hero and I was the evil intruder

  56. Wow–this is very insightful. Feeling very grateful for this page.

    One month ago I started dating my boyfriend so this is all very new to me. I am trying to educate myself now so I can make decisions for myself (i.e. can I handle this kind of situation?) and, if so, work toward building a solid foundation and healthy, open dialogue with my new partner.

    The situation is not unlike a lot of the comments above, with the exception that I’ve never met his ex-wife (yet?) and wouldn’t say she is a bitch or conniving…because I really don’t have any idea!

    My boyfriend and his ex were married 17 years. They have three children, a wide age range but the youngest is 6. Ex and kids live in another state, but my boyfriend is in contact with his ex OFTEN. I understand he wants to be involved with his young son’s life and that communication with him goes through the ex. It was weird to me to see his ex-wife’s name pop up on his photo so much, but the son texts using Mom’s phone. What I realize and understand is that will never change, and truthfully (unlike some of the posts above) I don’t want it to–because my feelings aside, that little boy deserves his Daddy and I love that my boyfriend is an involved parent, even from a distance.

    I am exploring my many, varied thoughts. So far he has been amazingly patient with me, willing to answer my questions without judgment and open to talking it through. My gut tells me that my best chances of long term relationship success with this man are to eventually integrate his two lives rather than try to isolate his ex, and thereby risk isolating myself. I honestly don’t know if/how I handle it–again, this is all so new for me–but I care about him and I want to try.

    My question is to those who have achieved a kind of (or real) friendship with the ex-wife: what does that look like, and how did you get there? I’m in no rush, but if I decide this isn’t for me I’d rather do so sooner rather than later.

    1. You’ve been seeing this guy for a month. So far all you’ve noticed is that they’re in touch a lot but it is all about the kids. A six year old is going to be very attached to both parents most likely. This sounds normal and reasonable.

      Most ex-wives are not evil, sabotaging bitches, just like most remarriages don’t occur to an cruel, unreasonable step mother. I happen to be in a relationship now where the ex wife simply could not accept that he had moved on. I have been in relationships prior where the contact between parents was reasonable and simple co-parenting – and the ex-wife was pleasant and had moved on and had a life. So don’t invite a problem onto your doorstep that hasn’t arrived.

      She will probably wish to meet you in a few weeks/months to see who her kids are around. When that happens, be nice, just as you would meeting anyone new. Hopefully she will be respectful and pleasant. If she is unpleasant – do not engage. Walk away and talk to him about it later, out of earshot of the kids. If she is manipulative, in his face, bending over with her tits in his face – chalk it up to tacky bad behavior of a desperate woman who either wants him back or can’t stand to see him move on. He will likely be ignoring her and any rise out of you would make her savagely happy for some weird reason. When these things happened to me, I would simply try not to laugh in her face and be polite as this would usually occur at a funeral.

      So – be observant. Do the calls all seem to be about co-parenting and keeping in touch with his kids? Great! Do the calls come late at night, several times a week, during dates, weekend getaways, on vacations? Is she texting Merry Christmas every morning for a week? Does she text to ask when his sister’s birthday is when they’ve known each other for decades? Does she call him to ask where to take her car for repairs? Those are red flags. Make sure he knows you’re fine with co-parenting but not with intrusive, nosy, needy ex.

      I hope you meet a nice lady who has moved on and is simply trying to co-parent with the father.

      1. You sound really together and nice-
        I’m an ex wife with kids and believe me, I haven’t witnessed any one being so rational as you. It’s very easy for people to assume that ex partners are head cases , hormonal b**hes with no moral compass- lets just bash them all.I have found it really difficult to deal with my ex’s new partner as she just wants so much attention. My Children want attention- so in reality, she should back off and allow them that privilege, not fight it and get antsy. I’m finding the whole business really upsetting . I can’t sleep or eat- it’s awful.

  57. I met my now husband when he was divorced for 3 years. In the first month that we barely knew each other his father died and his only child had her 31st birthday. Shortly after his father’s death we started dating in earnest. We really hit it off and ended up going on vacation 3 months after meeting. He met my parents and brother after 2 months. Everything is going very well except I notice his ex calls and texts him a lot – and it is very intrusive. I find out there’s a lot of emails too. She would call late at night often. He always answered thinking it was about their daughter or family. Her grandma was dying… yeah, so is mine. I asked him, “does she know you have a gf?” He said yes and no worries she doesn’t want him back and in fact is dating a guy. I ask when did they meet. Apparently 2 months after we did. Anyway, she continues to text and call whenever she wants for whatever she wants. We could not go on vacation or even a weekend away without her getting in touch, either the day before we’d leave to discuss daughter’s health (she’s fine in reality) or right after hotel check in time to try to interrupt us. It was obvious to me what she was doing but not to him. In his mind since he no longer wanted to be with her, it didn’t matter. His best friend finally had a talk with him about it and asked him how would he feel if my ex was in touch constantly and I allowed it. My husband doesn’t have this problem since my ex was respectful and left us alone. So our first holiday with his family she calls him. I told him, don’t answer it. Let it go to voice mail. He is panicked, says it might be about his daughter. I said, It might be, but it NEVER is and I’m sick of the instant gratification of being able to interrupt us. So he does not answer.

    She’s the evil ex wife. He’s my husband and is acting appropriately towards shutting down her lies and BS. And I think without him taking charge finally and telling her to bug off when she tried to interfere, I would have left long ago. I did in fact tell him on several occasions if he wanted to be alone for the rest of his life, to put up with her intrusions but that no woman would ever stay with him if he did. I think he finally saw through her BS and realized what he had to lose. His best friend was a huge help too.

    So ladies, enlist the help of his family and friends if you can. They are not afraid of making his kids mad by being mean to Baby Mama Drama – especially if the children are grown up, successful and independent – and there truly is no need for all the dependence from an ex who simply can not take care of herself and expects her ex husband to go back to being her benefactor.

    1. Oh gawd I read this after 18 months of breaking up when I doubted myself the whole time blaming myself for getting so crazy/pshycho and I see that it is NOT normal for an x to be in contact so often. I see you too nearly left. My x bf’s x wife would constantly call even when we were in bed late at night or early in the morning. Using the kids as an excuse. I would have to say there was only a handful of times that she didn’t call in 9 months. I now know by reading your post that this was not normal and would drive anyone crazy, if they weren’t smart enough to leave. I tried to get his family involved but I have a feeling my x was talking to them behind my back. He seemed to play the victim a lot. Like he used to bag his x to me, she started texting me and telling me he used to tell her all about me hmmm. His brother was also in one of these abusive x relationships and now with a new partner, his x had even hit his new gf and chased her. Silly gf married him a few months ago, who would put up with that!

      1. Yep, you meet another guy who has intrusive ex wife, tell him what I told my man, “You can either go back to your past or leave it there and move forward. Do you want to stay stuck with her – or have a future with me? You can’t have both. And no one will put up with her crap. So if you want to be alone, keep on letting her pull her bs. Don’t give me this, ‘We’ve got a kid together.’ She’s not calling/texting/emailing about VALID EMERGENCY issues regarding your daughter. This is everyday stuff – mostly exaggerated when it is about your daughter – and there’s a pattern of calling you just to chit chat while we are on a date, on a weekend getaway, on vacation. I’m sick of it. She’s trying to run me off. Keep letting her do this and I will let her have her way.” Also, if his friends are your friends and know the ex, ask the pals what they think. It’s likely they will let him know he’s going to lose a good woman!

        1. Hey Cheryl,
          His family and friends didn’t tell him that.
          I have a feeling my x played the victim and told everyone that both me and his x were giving him a hard time. His brother said to me at one point, poor Rob he has everyone in his ear. What about his poor girlfriend, copping it from the wife and his kids. Once the eldest got violent with his father, the x was calling non stop. One time I spoke up and said why does she have to always call, I ended up being the one getting into trouble for complaining. I even remember him saying to me ‘the only thing that will break us up is you carrying on about her interference’

    2. Thank you Cheryl for posting that.
      We’ve been married 5 years. He tells me everything.
      I just don’t understand people , some women nowadays. No respect for relationships. She’s never said one unkind word to me but has made jabs at both of us. Just April 9th, our anniversary, as usual, she texts him and says Happy Anniversary, she’s a saint. I’m so over the intrusive texts and calls. She knows that he’s thinking it might be important. Then if he ignores it, then she tells our daughter that he’s not interested in her. She twists and manipulates , controls , lies, I’m sick of it.
      We try to take the high road and display Christian principles in front of her but we obviously cannot change who she is.

      1. Next time she intrudes via phone call – tell him what I told my man, “Your past is on the phone, let it go to Voice Mail; It’s got nothing new to say.” Then any response should be via text message – much later on. This worked great for us at our first Thanksgiving with his family and she wanted to attend. No instant response to phone call and a text stating it was a bad idea an hour later to keep her away. Intrusive texts? Don’t answer them right away. Calls/texts right before or during vacation? Text back he’ll be in touch once vacation is over. Also – call a family member, like a sister or in-law to see if there really is an emergency or if this is just fakery and lies again.

  58. Ive been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half now, we recently moved in together (him to my place). He has been divorced for four years now. Long story short. His ex wife had two children from her first boyfriend. Met my boyfriend and had 3 kids with him (he was 17, she 20) horrible marriage. she found another man and had another child. was arrested for domestic violence along with her new boyfriend and its bringing my relationship down. She has no job. Lives off 3 baby daddys and has nothing going for her. She brainwashes the kids to not spend time with their father. I am 26, she is now 39, i understand the jealousy part (i would probably be too) my question is how can i save my relationship? How do i become that rock my partner needs?

    How can i make this situation better with what i can control?

    1. Debbie- I hate to say this, because you seem to want this relationship – but this man has 3 kids.. That aren’t yours.. The ex is a loser with obviously a mean streak in her. You are only 27 and have your entire life ahead. Make certain that THIS man is what is best for you! Because it sounds to me that his choices have been less than intelligent. Think long and hard before you bother trying to change a doomed scenario! -Amy

    2. Hello ladies. I’m really sorry for everything that every one of you is coming thru. I’ve been in a very abusive relationship for a amazingly long time and I finally got rid of that. I met my boyfriend last year and we’re dating for almost a year now. He has a son with this ex-girlfriend that today already has another child with another man whose she is not with too. I love the kid, he’s super polite and cute and seems to like me a lot as well, but lately I’ve been noticing that the ex gf is making herself as present as she via social network and stuff. She goes to my mother in law ‘s Facebook and make comments like “Hello guys! Miss all. Send granny a kiss.”. As I have been on this ridiculous conplicated relationship in the past, I’m starting to get afraid that this one may potentially transform itself into a repetition of the other. The ex bf was verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive and when I finished up the long term thing, he sad all this outrageous things about taking advantage of my innocence and “naiveness”. I’m afraid I might be missing something again and falling into the same hole, this time with an ex gf and son involved.

  59. It helps to see that others have similar issues that I am currently facing. I would love some advice. My boyfriend of 10 months has an ex-wife who is completely insane! She left him and moved out over 3 years ago because she was having an affair. May it be noted that she is still dating the same man she had an affair with. She refused to file for divorce, so my boyfriend finally did and their divorce was finalized in Sept 2015. They have two kids, ages 9 and 6. She hates me with a passion and I have yet to understand why. I am a good, kind-hearted person who has been nothing but nice to her and I adore their kids. She adamantly refuses to let me watch their kids when my boyfriend has to work and the kids have no school. She has gone to the extent to take days off of work when she shouldn’t, all in order to make sure I do not watch the kids. On top of this, she verbally abuses my boyfriend every time I am part of the discussion – things I can’t write here. I love my boyfriend, but I am also reluctant to get into a relationship that may have this sort of drama for the rest of our lives. I got out of a verbally abusive marriage last year and the last thing I need in my life is more verbal abuse. I have asked my boyfriend to stick up for me more and create boundaries with her, but he feels he is in between a rock and a hard place because he is worried that his ex is trying to alienate him from his kids and he doesn’t want to give her any sort of ammunition. What should I do? Counseling with my boyfriend and I? Write a letter to the ex wife? Or leave now before it escalates to the point where it becomes toxic for me? Help, please!!!!

    1. Sorry to say but, leave now. I’ve been in this situation for 8 years and it is only getting worse. Of course each situation is different but if I knew then what I know now I would never have started this relationship, no matter how wonderful he is.

    2. Hi Julie, reading your comment hit me like a ton of bricks–it is exactly what I am going through as I lay here at 4:40am trying to google ways to deal with an ex wife. It’s nice to know I’m not alone but I feel your pain and wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I am at a loss and my current relationship is suffering because I honestly cannot stand his ex wife and feel this drama with her will never end. If you ever want to talk or vent, I’m all ears. Feel free to email me.

    3. I have a very similar story to tell but only a very different ending. SadlyMy husband eventually took his life 18 months ago due to a very evil vindictive ex wife who could not accept him finding love again. Did everything she could possibly do to destroy him financially and finally hurt him where it hurt most and that was to take his only child away. After fighting a lengthy court battle based on lies he ended his life. Now I am left to deal with the ex wife who hates me even more now as he made sure he changed his will. I know run his successfull real estate company and ensure his legacy lives on. But Nothing can make up for what she took from us. We are devastated and broken by this tragedy.

  60. Hello fellow wives in similar situations. I too am going through what I feel is a nightmare ill never wake up from. My husbands ex wife is his brothers wifes sister. Which. Means that lil troll will forever be related to my husband and boy does she know it. His ex wife intentionally shows up to every family event, even if shes not invited bringing her new bf who was supposed to be my husbands friend. Its a big mess. I love my husband dearly. Its just so hard to live a happy life when shes constantly interfering.

    1. Hi Allison- one thing that you CAN take solace in is that your husband’s ex is extremely insecure and jealous of you. You may not think so, but let me tell you this… If she were, in fact, actually happy with her new boyfriend & herself, she would have NO DESIRE to attend a family party by which her ex husband’s family would be at and show her ugly mug to an event that she was not specifically asked to attend! She feels compelled to be there, show off, ACT happy… Because she needs to rub in your face that she has/had a relationship with his family members. Feels the need to perpetuate that relationship to REMIND them that she exists. That woman is straight up jealous.. And it eats her up!
      Enjoy it!!! Go about your business and know in your gut that she’s a steaming green eyed monster inside. Lol.

  61. Rewind my story a while back;
    Lisa October 30, 2014 at 10:47 pm
    I have been dating a man for 9 months, he chased me prior to this for 8 months but i wasn’t interested. After being dumped by someone else i gave him a chance and he grew on me.After our first date his x wife (they have been seperated for 2 years) started messaging me on facebook wanting to know where he was and for him to phone her as he was meant to have his kids. Their relationship was awful, she left him 3 times having numerous affairs and each time he took her back for the kids, 2 boys 16 and 15. We started dating things were good, i met his kids pretty quickly. A few months into it she appeared from behind a bush when we were on the beach, glared at me and pulled him aside and started belting him this was to do with me and how she thought it was too soon for the kids to meet me.The kids saw it and told her they were ok with me. The step daughter was also there and said i dont know why she is carrying on she hasnt wanted him for 10 years, they were married for 20.The next day she withdrew $6k out of his account to get him back.Since then things were ok he said she would get better.Then met someone and backed off.His family dont speak to her they all hate her as she has caused so much trouble.He also comes from a unhealthy upbringing.Things got good with us. He is caring and lovely.My family love him.
    About May of this year his eldest son started playing up. Smoking drugs at her house, she was never home. My partner trying to help. Things just got bad with us from then on, i started fighting with him about all this stuff. Sometimes he wouldnt be honest about what was going on with the kids and her and then i find out later. I felt he was lying to me.She wanted a settlement he gave it to her. The kid just got worse, he stole my partners wallet and didnt let on for 3 months after my partner found it after ramsacking his room for drugs. He even came to police station when it first happened to report it.My partner didnt discplined him he told his dad he found the wallet with no money in it, my partner believed him.Every time i saw my partner he was depressed.She would call a bit as well whilst we were together, blaming me for the kids behaviour and saying he wasnt spending enough time with his kids. Then my partners father got cancer he is now dying. The kid then got expelled after many suspensions. We were up at my partners house a few weeks before the kid broke in and lied to his dad that he was there as i was in the house.The kid was also bad before he met me.Then my partner confronted his son about lying he slapped him and the kid pushed him through a glass door and punched him the mouth.He had to go to hospital.He didnt speak to his son for 2 weeks the wife never made the kid call his son to say sorry. My partner tried to text his son to tell him his grandad was dying no reply.I have also asked my partner to get a divorce he said he will but he hadnt thought of it even though he has paid her s out.We had huge argument about this. I told him to leave and he slept in car that night due to drinking.I always have to ring and apologise he wont speak to me for days.This particular fight he took the kid away, i tried to phone him that night he didnt answer he rang me the following morning. He said he was working in the shed and drinking. The wife’s text said dont worry she is getting a divorce and for me to stop hassling him and from what he has said i sound like a stalker. How would she know i was ringing that night? This made me worry all week. We went away last weekend and i felt weird towards him gave him silent treatment he was trying to be nice. Next day i just did my own thing and he just disappears doesnt want to sort it out. Thats all i need though, comfort.he told me she said she wanted a divorce he said good cos lisa wants me to get one, what why couldnt he say i want one too. Then my partners brother came over and his girlfriend they have similar issues and started arguing.i started crying i went to bed my partner came up didnt try and talk just shut door i said its over. he ignored me. i tried to talk to him later this turned into huge fight i pushed him he punched me. i said this is not my baggage. he said dont you call me f kids baggage i didnt. he said my kids are no 1 you were level with them but not now. you have been awful to me all day. then he says she has been texting all day being nasty and threatening to turn oldest off him. we go to bed he doesnt talk to me in morning say’s its all too hard. not working. she sends me another text saying he is a liar awful he likes to hit things and that she was with him in that house a few weeks ago wonder why he wouldnt answer your calls. i told him he said she will never let him be with anyone. after this he wont talk to me its been 5 days we had a holiday booked today he cancelled due to his dad on death bed. he said its not working you always fight with me i have never fought with anyone like this. he wont answer my calls. i dont know what to do now im so depressed i told him i missed him he asked y, he wont say he loves me, i dont understand as only 2 weeks ago he told me not to dump him and im the best thing that has ever happened to him.

    18 months later and we never spoke again, now the x wife has a new boyfriend and flaunting it all over facebook, which is something she used to crack it about with us posting pix of each other.

    Why is she allowed to have a boyfriend and he wasn’t?

  62. So this works for my ex and his spouse, we get along great but it doesn’t help with my husbands ex who is a truely toxic person… She has borderline personality disorder and is insane most days…

    1. When I say insane I mean she made threats when she’s manic to cut my head off and put it in a bag if we don’t let her have custody ect… She used to call CPS on us and the police for random crap luckily the police told us they would tell her to leave us alone or encourage us to file harassment charges, Cps also said we were obviously being harassed. She really could have hurt our family I am thankful CPS didn’t come on a day where one of my kids feel of their bike or something ugh I couldn’t imagine. She LOVES contention and I am a super passive person so in short she makes me want to run and hide.

  63. Wow are there really that many crazy women out there? I really did think I was alone, but thank you ladies….I am not alone. Crazy ex wives are apparently rampant.
    I really do feel better.
    My boyfriends ex is just as crazy as these other women. My biggest issue is how on earth do these women not understand the damage they are doing to their own children. Not me, Not the ex husband no one but these poor innocent little children. I WOULD NEVER let that happen to my kids. PERIOD. I’ve been dealing for 8 years now, just hoping it would get better, but as a very intelligent lady told me “Hope dies last”!

  64. Hi! I’m a stepmom to two great kids, teenagers now, and I just had a baby of my own with my husband. I had a very good relationship with his ex wife for the first seven years my husband and I dated and lived together. I would even watch the children at her house when they were sick, go to birthday parties, pick them up from school, etc. I’ve shown this woman nothing but the utmost respect, and I’ve loved and cared for her children for all of these years.
    When she learned of our engagement, and quick following pregnancy announcement, she began accusing my husband of neglecting his other children, and even brought us back to court to increase child support (which was denied). She has since blocked my phone number from the children, and goes out of her way to be intentionally cruel, such trying to convince the kids to change their last name, and limiting the time we spend with his daughter because she thinks we’re a “bad example” (there’s an age difference). I haven’t spoken with her since she began acting this way, but I’m concerned for the kids, and wonder if I should reach out or if this would makes things worse? She’s also remarried, is usually very kind and attractive and is a teacher. I don’t understand why this woman has gone so completely ape after I’ve been very much in the picture for the better part of a decade, and I’ve always been good to her children. Any suggestions?

    1. I’ve lived with this type of problem almost 30 years!! I’m tired of kissing their butts! The Ex and my husband! They didn’t want your husband, but they don’t want anybody else to have them either! Grow up! They need to live their own life and leave you alone! They can’t stand to see you with their ex husband, because they know, they failed as a wife, and you have not! Little town of Charlotte Michigan is Peyton Place!! And she’ll never stop! Take your husband and your family and move very far away from HER!!! She’ll turn her kids into same person she is and will make them hate you! People like this need therapy!! A lot!!!!

      1. Oh man, I’m sorry you’ve dealt with it for so long! Unfortunately we can’t move, as part of their divorce they agreed to live in a 5 mile radius for the children’s sake. We’re in NYC, so it’s not so bad in terms of bumping into her or anything, but she’s making it very difficult. She’s flat out refused to coparent anymore, and has accused my husband of smoking weed (which is hilarious because he’d end up in the hospital if that were the case due to the medication he’s on), and can’t seem to decide if we are too harsh or too easy on the kids. The kids still love us, and enjoy their time with us and the baby. I’m just shocked because this is an educated woman–a teacher with two masters! I’m glad that the kids are teenagers, and are able to see through a lot of her BS, but it’s still upsetting after so many years of being what seemed to be a perfect blended family. I’m in my late 20’s and I’m able to handle this situation, this woman is 43 and is acting like a child throwing a tantrum. I’m just still so shocked.

      2. How funny after 18 months of me being dumped cos of the x wife’s involvement and the kids, the x wife now has a bf and posting their pix all over social media which she absolutely hated about us, she even commented one day under a pic he took of me saying ‘Why’. Why is it ok for her to have a bf and not her x hubby have gf, talk about double standards.

  65. I am a stepmom for two different children with two different moms, one mom is easy going she was my husband’s ex girlfriend before he got married to his ex wife and the ex wife is terrifying, he was married to his ex wife for 10 years, so about four months ago I planted the seed to take the ex wife to lunch but had no response, only today did she ask to be friends, can’t help to think she has a master plan up her sleeve. My husband and his ex wife are like oil and water, both want to communicate though me, this is very stressful.

  66. I like this idea, just don’t know if if it possible. I have personally been divorced for over 10 years, and stayed single. I have searched for and found the perfect man, and am looking forward to a new life together with him. We both have a mindset to live our lives regardless of who says what. We both have fully grown children, a total of 7. Our youngest 3 are in college, and stay at home part of the time. His ex is manipulative and vendictive. She actually burned his clothes in their (very nice) bathroom shower stall, and destroyed the entire bathroom! This was about a year before we met, which was 6 months ago. His divorce decree bans her from all of his properties, an away from him and his immediate family notwithstanding her children. He wants absolutely nothing to do with her, and we both just wish she would get some help and move on. I truly do feel sorry for her. Recently his grandmother passed away, and she showed up at the funeral. This was the first time we’ve ever been in the same room together. She had the nerve to sit right behind him and poke him in the ribs the whole time. She kissed him on the neck when she sat down too! Afterward, she was attempting to take him by the hand and pull him away from me like a little child on the playground! LOL – She was saying she wants to talk to him, and he told her “NOT HERE.” Which means… NOT EVER. :) – Here is my dilemma, we are planning to be married sometime in the next year, and we are now at a turning point, seeing no reason for me to keep paying rent and bills where I have lived for a long time, so he is helping me move to his place. This place (beautiful place) was their former marital home. He was awarded it in the divorce decree, and she is not allowed on the property. We do plan to sell it once we do a little work on it, but it will take time to market and find a new home…. However, she shows up at the neighbor’s house to “visit”, and she drives down his driveway and backs out. I will mention here that she has been destructive to his property there, by crashing in the garage door with her car, and tearing down the fence with her car, etc…. Last week, we had a new garage door installed. Also, he is installing a security system, with 24 hour cameras. We caught her at one of the other properties on video, she ripped the camera off the exterior of the garage on Christmas Eve! He did call the police this time (she busted out 6 windows in that house this fall, which is why we put in cameras), he called the police then too, but had no proof it was her. She did come into the marital home and bust a TV since I’ve been around (she did this also once before I met him, so I don’t totally think this is ALL about me) – NOW, my dilemma: I spoke to his sister at length over the holidays (who has known and hated his ex since day 1, and KNOWS her pretty well!!)…. She suggested I “protect myself” – I told her that I will. I stated that I’m not afraid to press charges on her, and that the security system will see anything that she tries if I am at the house alone. I have to admit, and I have told him this…. I am scared! I don’t want my fear to intrude on our happiness, but here I am willingly (because I’d do anything for this man!) putting myself directly (am I?) into harm’s way. Am I making a mistake??? Should I just roll on into the situation (it’s not going away if I don’t), and take the risk for love? Or should I sit on my haunches and hope she fades away or that he will put her behind bars?? I guess my fear is that she will become a sniper! LOL …… all for LOVE in WV.

    1. you need to be worried about her, she obviously has not moved one, she is bitter and I feel from what you have written, she has the ability to cause harm. Be wary.

    1. I completely agree with that statement, my husbands ex is an extreme case of crazy! Currently we have the courts involved trying to deal with the situation in which she created by her talking negatively about myself and my children and that turned into my step daughter having anxiety and that diagnosis is being put on me and my children bcz we are” mean” to them and we “bully” them! My whole thought on this is that my step daughter doesn’t want to displease her mom due to anytime she has in the past mom puts her through the ringer with guilt. I actually remember the day my husband and I brought our baby home from the hospital my husbands ex came to pick up my step kids and she cried on my front porch bcz I had put a peekaboo strip of purple in her hair and she told my step daughter “I thought I told u not to let her do that kind of stuff with u, I thought I told u that type of stuff is for real moms to do with their kids” I was in disbelief. Anyways now we all have to go to court ordered thearpy to help my step kids cope with being a part of a blended family, I’m a little apprehensive on sitting down with this woman. She’s the type to create problems then turn around and back away from it saying “I had no part in this” and she’s never in the wrong! We will see!

      1. K, I am completely intrigued on the outcome of this! I would LOVE to chat with you. I am in a very very similar situation. We go to court on Monday and the ex has created a whole slew of things I and my children have done wrong. She also states her daughter has anxiety and it is caused by my children and the “toxic” environment we have. My boyfriend and I are pregnant and due in August. She is remarried and pregnant, having a baby in April. You would think she’d have better things to do with her time then to blame us for everything. It’s tiring. Please, update if you can!

        1. Sure! We went to court and the judge wasn’t any help! He told my husband that he would not force her to visit him if she didn’t want to!!! And to get rid of me.She’s 11 and I believe in no way mature enough to make that kind of decision, anyway they came up with a temporary order which stated that my husbands two kids cannot be around myself or my kids at all during the temp order(3 months)? All of this went down and there is no abuse going on or prof of abuse, just that my step daughter doesn’t like me due to me telling her to be respectful to myself and her dad when she’s in our home- she can get mouthy! But she’s a kid and learning, no biggie on my side, kids will do what u allow! I don’t allow disrespect from any of my kids! Anyway we are at a stand still cz now the mom is being picky as to what councler they use and dose t want to help pay for the thearpy.( no surprise there) she also want the court papers to state that it is my husband who need the thearpy to learn how to be a parent- the mom has caused all theses issues with my step children. She also wants it to state that the kids can’t be alone with my which I’m totally fine with, I’m to the point where I feel that I need to protect myself and my kids from all of them- who knows what they will say or do in the future. As of now my step daughter has been going with my husband when he takes my step son for the temp order- it was just for him to go with dad every other weekend for 8 hours Saturday and Sunday and he could not come to our home… Dumb. My husband has asked his daughter if she’s ready or wanting to come back over and she told him that she doesn’t want to put too much on her plate! To me that sounds like mom talking! I believe this will end up with my step kids choosing to come over or not- the judge we got is a complete a$$

  67. Just venting here – I’m sure no one will be able to solve this but hopefully someone can read this, relate, and know they are not alone. My boyfriend (been together over a year now) has an extremely angry ex-wife. I have had to block her on every social media site — when we first started dating she would go to lengths to even make fake Facebook pages just to be able to message me and harass me. That’s since stopped (maybe because she’s still blocked) but she still speaks meanly about me to their children. She has told them I’m a b!tch, a piece of sh!t, and that “that b!tch will never be your mom.”

    I try to hold my head high and take the high road but this just tears at me. I understand what it’s like to deal with the other woman – my ex has been with his wife for 5 years. And while we don’t go out for coffee together, we are very civil and able to text each other and speak to each other with zero resentment. I also have a child and have never behaved in the way this woman has been behaving. She also tries to tell people I broke up their marriage when they weren’t together for a year before we met!

    My only hope is that the more time that passes, the less drama we will have …

    1. I actually do appreciate you writing this, as I can totally relate on almost every level. My boyfriend’s angry and jealous ex-wife, the nasty things she tells her kids, how I get along fine with my own child’s father and his current wife (like you, we don’t go out for coffee or anything, but we can carry on lighthearted conversation), blaming me for their break-up even though we started dating long after their split – which, no less, was due to her own infidelity – the nasty facebook emails, etc.
      I really do wish that befriending her, as this article suggests, is possible… but in this instance it seems more likely she has simply decided to hate me for no other crime than her ex-husband is now with me. :( I’m really not sure where to go from here, other than what you have said, hoping that the drama will dissipate with time…

  68. What I found is my husband ex is quite manipulative to the children. Her behavior is less than desirable. Recognizing that she is still in love with husband. She tore down her own house with her own hands. That makes her a foolish woman. I actually feel sorry for her because she will NEVER be over to move on completely.

  69. Hi,
    I’ve been trying to find an article with a similar situation to mine because I really don’t know how to deal with it, and I came across this one. I’ve found some general thoughts and I’ve been reading a lot about relationships, but when it comes to put it in practice in my particular situation I get very confused. I’m not married, and my boyfriend wasn’t married either, but he was in a relationship for 20 years with a woman. They worked together all that time, and they still do. Because of the nature of their work they travel together around the world a lot and for kind of extensive periods of time, therefore they spend a lot of time together. They don’t really have that much independency during their travels, so they do experience most of the traveling time together. They are usually not just the two of them, but it still affects me a lot because I feel there’s a lot of the relationship that hasn’t really been “broken up” (even if he doesn’t admit it), specially the emotional part, and I don’t feel relaxed the way he is with her. She is a very complicated ex, she hasn’t really moved on in many ways. When they are not traveling and he is here, she expects and asks a lot from my boyfriend. She really doesn’t let one day pass without calling him, she is very often having some sort of crisis, she’s usually the victim of situations in her life and needs immediate help, she shows herself as weak, incapable, broke, in pain, lost, lonely. The times when she is present in an event or some sort where we are, my boyfriend gets very influenced by even the minimum manipulative behaviors of her such as her facial expressions and reactions, and he acts differently with me trying to please her and not make her upset. She also has many manipulative tactics with the car, dog, apartment, work, money, time, etc etc. Both my boyfriend and his ex are much older than me, and I feel like it’s very hard for them to change patterns, habits (but I also get hopeful that things could change) I often feel like I’m the mature and sane one. Although for the past year I feel like I’ve been going crazy with all this weight. I’ve lost a lot of my self esteem, some times I really lose my balance and motivation for days, and feel very lost and lonely at times.
    I feel like something in him gives priority to her than to what we have and I really don’t know what would be a good way for me to change that or help him with it, since it affects me so much. He still feels very responsible and codependent with her and truly feels he has to save her or be there for her unconditionally because she is “unlucky, lonely, helpless” He doesn’t really say no to her, and is always trying to find the best way for her comfort and wellbeing, sometimes at the cost of our wellbeing. We’ve talked a lot about it, but I don’t feel the talks have really helped, we just talk for hours without getting anywhere and we get very defensive. I’ve become so oversensitive to any situation that arises related to her. I find it hard to feel neutral or even have a fresh start with all this, because I’ve built a lot of resentment. Recently I felt that my last option would be to really try to like her, because I find her very hard to like, and she seems very dishonest and filtered in many ways. I asked her to meet up and talk, and she agreed but didn’t really happen. When I’ve mentioned it again, she just agreed again without really committing, I know she has no interest in it and she probably wants to keep the power she has right now. At this point, it’s very hard for me to find the motivation to persist in this.
    Everything else is amazing with me and my boyfriend, it’s sad how much this situation has stained our relationship, because we really have something special between us and have we are very in love with each other. Sadly, I feel like the codependency with his ex has spoiled a lot of our relationship, and maybe my reactions and behaviors in response haven’t really helped to make things better. I want to believe that there’s something I could do that would really change the direction of all this, and hopefully break that emotional attachment they have, but I don’t know what, or how to do it while feeling so hurt and affected.
    Any advice would be great.

  70. I think I learned a lot from the comments above. Dealing with ex’s wife can be difficult. However I am on the other side of the spectrum, dealing with my ex-husband’s current wife is difficult. My son is 10, honor student at school. But she keeps complaining that my son has ADHD, and my son does not use common sense, which is not true since he has not caused any accident on himself or others due to lack of common sense. My ex is actually polite to deal with, we both love our son. But his wife keeps writing to me from his email box and he is too lazy to confront her on daily basis. I get 5 pages emails often with all accusations such as I did not cut my son’s nails. I am a working Mom, independent, bought my own house few years after divorce and succsefful. Even that can not stop her from trying to put me down. I had to disagree with her in the doctor office about ADHD yesterday and the doctor agreed he is not a problem kid and he is fine. She tried hard to put him down by saying he runs, walk faster sometimes, but hey he is a 10 years old boy

  71. I was just wondering if my feelings are justified. I feel as if my husband’s ex-wife is intrusive with buying a gift of a shirt (dress shirt) for work and casual that she claims is from the boys’ for Christmas. Well, for one, I know for a fact their boys have never stepped foot in Jos. A. Banks or L.L.Bean and this is where the shirts are typically from. I feel as if she is “dressing” my husband by giving this gift for every occasion, birthday or Christmas which she claims are from the boys. Any help with this? Should I just let it go and let her “dress” my husband? I just feel like every time I am snuggling with him that the shirt he is wearing is from another woman. Help me get this out of my mind! Thank you!

    1. Your husband needs to tell her that, going forward, you will handle the kids’ gifts to him. He should tell her that her assistance is not needed and, if she feels compelled to spend money in support of the boys, she can buy them something they need. He needs to be firm, prepared to reinforce, and anything else from her goes in the trash.

      1. I just had this issue. Over the holidays, boyfriend of two years, was asked that we as a couple deliver her gifts to his family. I don’t mind that she wants to give his family gifts, but I am not delivering them. His family still spends time with her along and his child at her home, they can exchange there. Seems self serving to ask us (me) to deliver the ex-wife’s gifts. My boyfriend told her no, she threatened not to let his daughter go if we didn’t take them, he caved, because when we went to pick his daughter up, she handed the bag of gifts to her to put in the car, put her in the middle. It’s just one of a million things, she doesn’t stalk, doesn’t call all hours of the night, she plants small seeds, just enough to cause problems at least once a week. She’s smart, this way she doesn’t look crazy. This

  72. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Staci, thank you for sharing – your love for this man is evident in everything you say! You want to do everything you can to build a strong relationship with him, and I can see how much you love him.

    Your sweetheart’s ex-wife won’t become less difficult to deal with as time goes by. She won’t be less toxic, and she won’t be easier to deal with. As difficult as it is, you need to decide if you can continue on in this relationship with the things the way they are right now.

    She won’t change. You and your partner have to be the ones to make the concessions, who have to do all you can to smooth things out. Can you do that?

    1. Laurie, I see it differently. Staci and her husband do not need to make concessions or otherwise tolerate inappropriate behavior from the baggage. Instead, they need to establish boundaries that keep the toxic ex in her place and protect their relationship and family from this nonsense. The question is whether the husband will actively establish and reinforce these boundaries. If so, there is hope for the relationship and Staci’s happiness. If not, I believe that is a deal breaker.

  73. Hi everyone,
    Reading most of these comments helped me and I was hoping by posting my own experience it would help me even more and maybe someone could even give me more advice.
    I have been with the love of my life for only a short year (he truly is the most amazing thing that’s happened to me only second to the birth of my son) and he is recently divorced to his ex wife of 5 years. They have a now 4 year old daughter that I might earlier this year. My son, my fiancé, my stepdaughter and myself all live together. Now I couldn’t tell you if she wants her ex husband back or if this is money driven. Without judging her, the facts are she’s gotten fired from a job and as a result was facing eviction notices, her power was cut off, she couldn’t put food on the table and the child (unbeknownst to us) hadn’t had health or dental insurance for the better part of a year. Once we found out about the health insurance we did what we needed to get her covered without any issues. We’re now facing a custody battle for his daughter (fortunately my own ex and I get along very very well) that doesn’t happen for 3 more months. Until then we are doing a week on and week off. Now she wants this schedule to work the way she wants it to and she doesn’t ever like having to lay eyes on me. So she will email him about how things will go, not ask and not suggest and definitely not seek his suggestions. Unfortunately this is what my stepdaughter is used to seeing between her parents but my son, however, absolutely is not. All we wanted was to all say goodbye and it has to be ugly. I guess my concern is not trying to change his ex because I don’t care about changing her but we have FOURTEEN years ahead of us all. That’s a long time and I’m not going anywhere so is there hope that we can even be cordial. While we don’t want to fight her on things that aren’t worth it we definitely won’t be doing everything she says just because that’s how she wants it. I want us all to coexist but is it even possible???? Last night was shameful but I’m honestly over it now I just don’t know how to move on. Do I stop picking up my stepdaughter even though it’s what I’ve always done? I don’t know I love her to pieces and her father and I are disgustingly in love that it even weirds me out at times but what is the common ground?

  74. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    The thing with having problems with your husband’s toxic ex-wife – especially if she gets a kick out of causing marriage problems for you and your husband – is that it won’t stop. It won’t change, it won’t likely get better.

    The only person you can change is yourself. The only attitude shift you have control over is yours.

    Is there anything you can do that will make your life easier?

  75. I know this post is old but reading the responses gives me hope. I have been with my husband for 8 years. We have 2 boys together and my step daughter whom is 12 lives with us week in week off. Her mother is a very toxic, lazy, selfish unstable person. She has always claimed I verbally abuse her daughter and has threatened to get a restraining order against me. I have been in my step daughters life since she was 4. Her mother doesn’t work, drive or stay at their home ever. They bounce from grandmothers house to friends house. Her mom takes and takes from people until they stop talking to her due to all the taking and no giving. My step daughter does go to school due to her mom not waking up or not having enough food to make lunches. She also smokes in the house with her. My step daughter has to share a bed with her mom and always has. We pay and bring her to all her extra curricular’s (when her mom allows her to go). I speak kindly of her mom when my step daughter Speaks about her mom. I drive her to school on her moms weeks pay for all the school lunches and field trips. Volunteer in her class as well as my sons. Help her with homework. I ask her to do chores and occasionally watch her youngest brother. I’ll admit that I can get heated when important things like her school bag, lunch bag, homework, new clothes, winter coats, boots just go missing at her moms. My step daughter claims it’s too messy at her moms to keep track of things. I have never been there but my husband claims she is a very dirty person. She lies and gets my step daughter involved in our affairs. She minipulAts her into saying things about us she doesn’t mean and twists her words to make it sound like she’s not happy with us. Recently my step daughter started cutting herself. She has heart pulpulations due to anxiety and has gone back and forth stating she is gay. Her mother just last night called to tell us my step daughter told her that all we do is talk badly about her mom and she is not comfortable here and I am the reason she cuts…I am just at a loss. I have no idea where that is coming from. It makes me beyond sad as all I want is for her to be happy and healthy and successful. I feel like all I have done over the years will not matter and I’ll just be the “step mom” that is disposable. It is hurtful and I’m having a hard time dealing with it this time.

    1. I am in the exact same situation you are in. Not sure how much more I can take. I’ve never met anyone as evil as my husband’s ex. Would you be willing to talk with me sometime about it?

  76. I have been with my partner for 5 years and i have to say his toxic ex wife is causing me stress. I have tried not to involve myself but to no fail it gets the better of me. My partner does not stand up to her and she continues with demands for more money, more ridiculous stall tactics to delay divorce proceedings. We hardly see the kids because the mother comes up with some excuse and when we do it always a crazy mind game that i resent my partner for not standing up to her. He avoids any calls from her which creates more stress. I have even had the ex wifes boyfriend come to the house looking to pick a fight over money. When i try to talk to my partner about how it is affecting me he tells me that I am overacting and i expect too much of him and thats life. I have asked him to buffer some of the stress that is created due to all this and i become the lunatic. None of this has anything to do with me but i get the brunt….help needed

    1. He is either going to fight for his kids and for you or he isn’t. While waiting for the divorce to go through perhaps he should apply to the courts for set times to spend with his kids as this is their basic right. If he thinks you are overreacting in the situation then he is really not being fair to you at all. In a situation like this I would consider telling him to shape up or ship out. To make a relationship like yours work, with children from a previous marriage and a nutty ex, you have to be solid and work together at all times. If he isn’t prepared to do that, you might be in a losing battle.

    2. Hi Theresa. I am in the same situation!! Somedays I feel like he just dosen’t want to deal with any of it and it stresses me out and I look like the bad guy or she immediately says “tell her to stop telling you what to do!!!” In reality thats what she needs to stop doing. Well stop demanding un neccessary things. It irritates me that he dosent stand up for himself…….sometimes we come to a stand still and I think that its not going to work..

  77. Five years on and a court battle later I still find the presence of my husbands ex a painful thing in my life; in both our lives. Since joining the British Second Wives Club and using their forum to offload I have found that my story is actually fairly typical. When I met my husband they had not been split up long; he ended the relationship although she had made it clear for many years that she didn’t really want to be with him. She was in a new relationship and seemed happy but when we started seeing each other things went really bad.
    I would say she has done everything and still continues to do so, to try and break us up as a couple and break us individually. My husband had a breakdown when she stopped him seeing the kids as soon as he left hospital and took them abroad while telling our friends she wouldn’t be back. She returned when we threatened her with a European arrest warrant and that’s when court proceedings began. She took the children out of school for two years and we had to fight through the courts to get them back into school; the authorities were useless because she kept moving between areas to avoid them. In many ways I believe that was also to punish their father.
    In my life I have never had to deal with such a vindictive person. During the worst time when my husband broke down, I got through it by not letting myself hate her but coming out the other side my anger is still there; I am starting psychotherapy soon and I hope to address it there. The worst thing is that I feel totally gagged and powerless; I basically have to put up and shut up or leave the relationship because there is nothing either of us can do more than we’ve done.
    The thing that keeps me going though is my deep love for my husband; I absolutely adore him. I know that in the end the reason she is so bitter is because she isn’t capable of loving; she can’t even love her own children, she puts her hatred for their father well above that. So she will almost inevitably end up a lonely and bitter old woman. At the same time I wish for everyone’s sake that she would just MOVE ON!
    I would say to any woman thinking of starting a relationship with a man with a nutty ex who is mother of his kids – don’t rush in to it!

  78. I do not have step children to deal with but, I have to work with my husband’s ex wife. I have been with this company for 16 years and she works for the same company in a completely different department. It is a global company. Their divorce was over 16 years ago, she has remarried 10 years ago. My husband also works for the same company in the service department, so he comes to my location when service is needed. Yesterday while I was away she approached him and made accusations that he did not honor his vows to her, until death do us part. She is married to someone else. How should I deal with this? I think my husband’s toxic ex-wife has lost track of reality.

  79. I have posted on here before about my husbands crazy ex, this now takes the cake for me. About a month ago my husband received a text from his ex stating that he will not have his kids for an “undetermined” amount of time and that someone should be contacting him to explain the situation. Well we come to find out that his ex took my step daughter who is 11 to the doc bcz she was complaining of “heart flutters” ?? The doctor said she’s probably suffering from anxiety due to becoming a blended family on our side, she feels unwanted and is having a hard time coping!! I say great, she would gain a great deal from therapy and some family therapy as well!!! Before I came into the picture when my husband had his children everything was always just about them, they had no rules at his house. Together we have 6 kids between the two of us so we need some kind of structure here. My step kids don’t like this and have been made to think that I’m being abusive when I get stern when they become out of line. Anyways we have a lawyer to fight this and just the other day received doctor notes to get the correct diagnosis. Basically what was noted was about me and how I’m unfit to be around my step kids, it even said that I called my step son stupid and that I called my step daughter a bitch! Never happened. My step daughter is now refusing to speak or visit with my husband, ( I believe she feels guilty for creating this drama) she had just recently done the same thing over the summer, telling her mom that I pick on them and that they are always in trouble and not my bio kids.. Again not true, when they all do something wrong they all have the same consequences. My step kids want to be the exception. When this occurred over the summer my husband stuck up for me stating I was not being mean or picking on them and that I do have the right to get stern with them when they are in my home bcz this is in fact my home as well and I’m an adult and am apart of making the rules for our household. Apparently his ex doesn’t like this and has told my husband and my step kids that I shouldn’t be telling them what to do bcz I’m not “blood” related! Ridiculous! His ex lets the kids have too much say in adult matters when it benefits her. If the shoe were on the other foot everyone knows none of this would be happening. My step daughter had a intake thearpy appointment yesterday and supposedly the therapist told jade that she can come over on her terms. My husbands ex is allowing my step son to come over this weekend and has stated that we are not allowed to ask questions about jade or herself.. Not that we would talk with my step son who is 10, but in reality she cannot say what we are allowed to talk about. And if I’m such a horrible verbally abusive step mom why would you allow your child to come back into my home if I’m unfit and she kept them away from us initially bcz of me. I’m so confused by all this and it really does suck that she is manipulating doctors and her children to believe that this is going on in my home!! I’m at a total loss!!

    1. Casandra, this is a common “game” that a lot of bitter ex wives play with their own children to benefit their own sick insecurity, in turn the ex wife puts these vulnerable children into the crossfire of everything. The sad part is that the ones that will get the most hurt, even well into adulthood, is the children. Not your husband, not you, not even her… but the children.

      What I would suggest to your HUSBAND to do (it is really his battle to fight, not yours, yours is to support him, not fight his battles for him)
      First: What I would suggest is to try to obtain legal help with a well advised lawyer who is familiar with parent alienation related abuse cases, obtaining Cease and Desist Orders when it comes to slander against either your husband and yourself and if necessary, no contact restraining orders unless if there’s an emergency with the children.

      Keep a written journal of every incident that is caused by her. Do not answer any phone calls directly, instead, force her to leave a message and respond to only the urgent ones, keep a recording of the rest, screen then save all texts and emails. Again, only respond to the urgent ones.

      Hardball must be played with these sick women whose evil intent poisons everyone and they must be stopped, along with protecting the children against their parent alienating abuse they bestow upon them. Parents that abuse their children like this should have them taken away for the safety of the children!

      Hopefully she will get ripped apart in court along with her lies being exposed… with a good enough lawyer and some hope.

      1. Thanks! Yes, my husband has a lawyer and I’ve brought it to his attention about parent alienation and he plans on talking to his lawyer about how he can go about it. We currently are having her served for a temporary parenting time order to restore their normal schedule. I know this is not my battle, but as of now because she’s making all these allegations that I’m abusing my step children, so my husbands lawyer has brought me into the case. As of now we have my step son in our home for the weekend and everything is fine. It just baffles me that she would let him come into our home if she thinks I’m verbally abusing him.

        1. Like I mentioned, this is a common game they play. An experienced lawyer will strategize situations to disprove her false accusations against you. The proof will be in the pudding not only in the relationship you have with your step son, but also what her true intentions are in what she is actually trying to do, and most likely, it has nothing to do with concern for her son but to comfort her own sick mind.

  80. “Forgive your husband for his past marriage (and choice of ex-wife!) . . . If you think your husband made a bad marriage choice in the past, shake off your resentment or anger . . . . He made the best decision he could, he fell in love, and he thought he was doing the right thing.”

    See, that’s my biggest problem tight there. You tell me to forgive his stupid decision-making, but that’s the hardest thing to get over. The FACT that he made the “best” decision he could and that he “thought” he was doing the right thing… that’s exactly the problem! It makes me wonder if the dumb motherflocker is even capable of making an even marginally intelligent decision about anything!! I mean, his ex-wife is literally the biggest piece of sh*t I have ever met. What the hell made him marry her? The reason he gives is, and I quote,” “I wanted a baby really badly, and I thought she had good genes because there’s no heart disease in her family and her dad was in the military.” (WTF?!?! Oh, yeah, let’s form an entire eugenics program around them based on those two criteria. He’s a real genius, that one.) Meanwhile the broad is fat, a daily blackout drunk, not very bright, and a complete sociopath. She cheated with several of his friends AND openly had a long-term affair with his twin brother; she drove drunk with the baby in the car repeatedly; she doesn’t take care of the baby and instead dumps her off on the grandparents 95% of the time; last week she robbed his mother for a couple hundred dollars… yeah, she’s a real genetic miracle.

    My man hardly ever stops to think before acting, and will make decisions carelessly that can have devastating long-term ramifications for himself, the people around him, and future children. This ex-wife of his is proof of it. And he married her only about 3 years ago. Please tell me how I’m expected to forgive him for such a glaring and dangerous character flaw.

    1. If he makes such bad decisions, then what are you doing with him. Maybe it’s time to reflect on the quality of your decision to be with him? You cannot fault him for the person he used to be with…

    2. I agree with KRH if you are not married to him. Hardly any relationship that is not bonded by marriage that causes this much extreme stress and hostility like this coming from either party, including you, is unhealthy. I can tell that you are very angry and that’s okay to release it. The Lord knows how much I needed to throughout the years. But If you are married and beyond everything that is happening now, still value marriage, then, you have more to consider in being able to forgive your husband in his prior choices. I know this because the forgiveness I had for my husband was sometimes the only “glue” that kept me in my own marriage. Believe me, there were PLENTY of times that I certainly didn’t feel warm, fuzzy love for him and/or his decisions or lack of. But I stuck by him anyway and it is working now.
      What I suggest to you, is that you take a step back and let him deal with his ex wife without you getting involved at all. It’s like creating an inner “ignore” button that you push whenever she does something or acts in a certain way.
      We are all human and we all make mistakes, nobody is in exempt from this.

      1. Noticed a bit of a typo in my previous answered post:
        What I meant was “Hardly any relationship that is not bonded by marriage and causes this much stress and hostility can withstand itself and is unhealthy”. Sorry about that if my original post sounded confusing.

    3. I think you are correct, your man cannot make a reasonable common sense decision! Dump his ass. There’s something wrong with him… Clearly an idiot (true idiot… Dictionary version)

  81. No way in freaking hell would I have lunch with my husband’s ex-wife. After 2 filed miscellaneous harassment charges, endless abusive texts and emails, even through Family Wizard, parental alienation tactics, and showing up looking “spiffy” when she knows my husband will be at a certain place without me, I’m thinking this is war. I’ve stayed passive for too long. We are now taking every opportunity to work towards getting her a psych eval. She went so far as to text my stepdaughter’s Girl Scout leader and tell her I’m not allowed to help out (I had volunteered my time). the GS leader texted to tell me she thought originally I was the problem, but now realizes it is the biological mom. And she used the word “crazy”. I’m done with it. It wasn’t until the month we married that she started begging for my husband back. In one email she calls him compassionate and kind, in the next she calls him mentally ill. We’ve blocked her from all communication except Family Wizard. If you don’t know what that is, look. it. up. Has saved us. And all court admissible.

    Anyway, done venting. Good to know I’m not alone. Best to you all.

  82. My husband’s ex is toxic not nearly as bad as some of these others, I guess luckily. However, how do you deal with a situation when your husband enables her behavior by basically given in to her constantly and consistently?

    They have 1 child together who is also autistic and has been spoiled. I find that they both use her as an excuse. His ex uses her as an excuse cause their child “needs” these things and he uses her as an excuse cause if he doesn’t do it his ex will make their child’s life suffer. How do you deal with that?

    1. If the child is autistic, then it would be very difficult to “spoil” them, and there would be little other choice. You can’t just discipline autism out of a child. Just saying.

  83. Perhaps I can have some advice from you all experienced here. I’m busy going through an acrimonious divorce and I have 2 boys (3 and 5). It’s been dragged out by the ex for a year now from her being unreasonable. I decided it’s time to reconnect with my goals and started looking to date. I recently met an amazing person and we connected. I remained open and honest with her and I explained my situation divorce kids money etc… This out the new relationship on a stalemate because she is needing to get used to the fact I have kids and that I will have an ex wife. Our interaction has reduced since that conversation and I’ve given her time to think about dating me. Am I doing the right thing? Is there a way I can reassure her that I will do my best to minimize conflict between my ex and us? How should I introduce the children to her and visa versa? So far my ex and I have no common friends and our interaction is literally as the court order is. Help?

    1. Patiently. Go to a park. Play a game. Toss a frisbee. Laugh constantly. Just go slowly. In my situation my new gal was wonderful. Kind, considerate and gentle. All four of my kids want her to live with us. Their mom is nuts. Abusive, drunk, drugs, stealing, grossly promiscuous and disregards court ordered rules at will. Attacks me on Facebook and throughout our close community.,it really stinks but the only way to deal with these victimblaming monsters is to cut them off at every level possible. They don’t stop. So what do you do? My gals dad is a man familiar with farm animals, cows, for example.everyonce in awhile they’d run across a bad cow. Now a bad cow can kill a man. So how does a farmer get this bad cow to behave??? Well they grab a two by four and crack the cow right between the eyes. No more bad cow. Now obviously I am not touting violence against your crazy. Absolutely not. It is an analogy to legal tactics. I wavered, didn’t want to wipe her out, tried to set a fair settlement, close the deal and be done with it. Nope. She wanted more. Tons of obscene charges, and grotesque demands. I was reeling. My god I’m getting crushed. Than reason set in. Remember they are crazy. They probably made u crazy, too. Well now that your out and your head has somewhat cleared the time to fight is now. One by one reveal their lies with evidence. Hire a private investigator. DONT DO IT YOURSELF. Stay far away. Soon their stories begin to unravel. There OWN actions are their downfall. Gather it and document it. It won’t take you long. Believe me. Remember they are crazy. Once you have a still joule of their abuses etc turn it over to a good attorney. Let the attorney pool the evidence up into a two by four and WHAM strike that cow right between the eyes. Smack me good. No remorse. Hit them so hard that the truth of what they are is going to be exposed. That their victim story is just that bs.
      In my case, dealing with a diagnosed BP1, borderline, drunk, drug addicted and molested as a child, negligent and abusive mother…pretty, charming sweet, the two by four shattered her world. Reeling she fell to pen and paper and signed an agreement, hugely favorable to me. I had gathered evidence that she was already cheating on her latest meal ticket, child abuse, extortion and was an inveterate liar amongst numerous other things. I hit this cow squarely between the eyes. Sent her reeling. Now, this cow is a tough cow and petitioned the court to withdraw her signature. Ha. Before she could achieve that unlikely outcome, my attorney hammered her with another two by four regarding visitation. Pow! Another round of evidence proving her unfit. Well here’s the outcome, and I only got this because I absolutely battered, legally, this cow. I got the home, I got sole legal custody, she has to be supervised, I had to give her a fraction of the money…which has already pissed away. More importantly she can’t come on my property, approach me in public etc or face restraining orders.
      You see folks, if your dealing with crazy you gotta tuck that white night compassion bs away and pull out the Thor hammer and bash their noggin in. Than, and only than can you earn the peace you covet and deserve. Take my word you literally, legally, have to crack them over the head a few times to keep them away. One last word. Tell your kids the truth. You’ll find out they already know anyway. Don’t sugarcoat it. I told my kids, 15 and up to stay away from their mother, their grandmother and their aunt. These people are toxic parasites that must be eliminated. Bad cows. Bring out the two by fours!

      1. Benny, WOW! Way to go brother! Though I don’t agree with all , but with 99.99 percent of what you wrote, YES! Your posted answer has been tremendously refreshing coming from an ex husband who has the drive, the perception, the courage and the fight ability to protect your children!! Wish there were more like you! The only thing I would consider is what you tell your children about their mother no matter how crazy she may be. It does have a profound effect on them later and may cause damage even though she has been the cause of the damage to begin with. What I would suggest instead is to get your affected children into counseling as soon as you can. But, again, I COMMEND YOU! :)

    2. Well, for starters and in a lot of situations where an ex wife is “unreasonable” and “dragging out a divorce” is usually because your ex wife is bitter and has personal, unresolved issues over the impending divorce. It also depends what and who caused the proceeding of divorce. With a lot of us who have husbands with toxic ex wives, their ex wives were the ones who initiated the divorce in the first place, usually with infidelity but yet still pursue their ex husbands with mind boggling envious ferocity along with abusing their own children with parent alienation, especially when they find out their ex husbands are dating someone new even though they had caused the divorce in the first place. They are tremendously insecure, very vindictive, extremely envious and selfishly hurt their own children so they can feel better about themselves. A lot of them are also plagued with numerous personality disorder traits like narcissism, borderline and/or are bipolar.
      As far as your GF is concerned, though you may be your ex wife’s main target, your new GF will “feel” the brunt of it because for many of us gals, it’s in our DNA to try to harmonize the situation between our significant other especially when children are involved. When we feel a situation may be hopeless due to a toxic ex wife, especially when our significant other has not set up the necessary legalistic boundaries with a toxic ex wife beforehand or if you try to minimize the situation too much without recognizing the impact when boundaries are lacking, has on a relationship with a woman could explain why she is stepping back. Perhaps she has also been through this before in another relationship with a former BF, etc and does not want to endure it again. I know if I had a chance to do it over again, I would’ve seriously reconsidered. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband to death, but at the time I certainly was not prepared for what followed and did hold a lot of resentment towards my husband for a very long time. It’s diminished over time only because communication with the ex wife has ceased considerably and the children are grown adults and don’t live with us.
      Maybe her lack of pursuing the relationship is because she is either waiting for you to step it up and take realistic steps toward your soon to be ex wife and set firm boundaries or is having second thoughts about having to endure all the future heartache and drama.

  84. These points can help with the basics of exes, however i am dealing with a neglectful ex wife and mother of the kids, she disappears for the weekend only telling us when my partner spends all day phoning her and texting her as we’re meant to drop kids back on a saturday morning (it was her weekend asked if we could have them friday night) and she isn’t home and then tells us she won’t be coming back on the weekend.

    I can put up with the manipulation to try and pull him away from me and the money grabbing tactics thinking she’s owed all our money, even the deliberate lies about the kids and us to everyone and making out she is an innocent victim, but the neglect on the kids, theres just no way to handle that, the daughter was so underweight when we moved nearer (my partner had been working away so could only get them on every other weekend plus she wouldn’t allow him to have the kids on his own before only in her presence and no domestic violence of any kind just she wanted control), i make sure i cook proper meals and feed her up, but it was scary when i saw her. its just not good enough to think all you have to do is feed the kids (and not even much of that other than sweets and crisps all day) and pur. So where i believe these tips on how to deal with your husband’s toxic ex wife will help for some cases, but I’m situations like mine its just not enough

  85. Hey I have been married for a year to my husband and he has three children that he just got to see for the first time in 2 years about 2 months ago .. At first hid x wife said she didn’t want me going on The visites tell they got to no each other again last vist his oldest daughter asked when she could meet me .. And my husband said when ever u want Wil the x wife jumps in and said she only 8 she don’t make the choices . that she want to wait tell we been married over 2 years before I can meet his children this hurts me so bad I don’t no what to do ..

    1. Ashley it seems way too long to wait to meet his kids, me and my partner waited about 6 months, before i started spending time with them. She did not like it she wanted him to keep seeing them in her house with her watching him, but i was a force her telling him no.1 you have to develop relationships with your kids on your own away from her (good that he did cause he didn’t have a great relationship with the boy as he didn’t get to spend alone time with him) and no.2 if i was to be in their life eventually i had to meet them and slowly build up a relationship. i was super careful when i met them, didn’t force myself on them, and now a year down the line i have an incredibly close relationship to my step daughter and close-ish to me step son but he is overly attached to the mum, we have some development issues with it tbh. but the relationship they have with their dad is brilliant now, and you become this family unit when the kids are with you and they will love it. but waiting two years is ridiculous, he has a say in the kids meeting you its not just all her, this is the popular mistake we all make thinking the mum has all this control, but only if we let them

  86. hello ,
    My husband and I have a blended family all together we have 6 kiddos!!! Which of one we have together, I have been struggling with my husbands ex for the past 3 years now. I stay out of issues pertaining to their children but in some way his ex involves me by either talking bad about me or stating that their children don’t want to come over bcz of me. I have tried building a relationship with my step children and always make a point to have them be apart of our family. My husbands ex thinks that our family isn’t as important as hers with the kids, we are secondary if that! Anyways anytime I get any leeway with my step kids it always back fires and it ends up with my step kids and their mom talking trash about me. I feel like I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t. She is making it nearly impossible for our family to grow by her actions. On many accounts I have thought about just telling her the “deal” but I choose not to cz I don’t want to add fuel to the flames! My husband and I can agree on most situations involving his ex or his kids which is great but there is always some kind of back lash when his kids come back to our home from their moms. If one of my step kids gets into trouble and gets disciplined for their wrong doing it goes back to their mom and she expresses that whatever the situation may have been should have been handled differently and it’s my fault that their dad is disciplining them in the way he chose to, which only consists of going to their room and thinking about how or what they have done. This last weekend has been the straw that broke the camels back, we took my step kids out for school shopping & then took the kids back to their mom. I guess what we got wasn’t up to her standards bcz we didn’t buy everything on the supply list or the clothes weren’t to her liking, we spent a lot of $$ and my husband pays child support. We do more than what most people in our situation does. We always buy the kids this and that year round bcz she refuses to or tells her kids to tell his dad that it’s his job or makes it sound like he doesn’t do enough for them? all the while she takes these extravagant vacations multiple times a year then complains she has no money, but that’s none of my business. I feel bad for my husband Bcz he does so much for everyone and is a good man, he had more time with his kids before we married and now he gets 4 days a month. I sometimes feel that it’s is my fault that my step kids aren’t around like they were but quickly remind myself that I can’t be faulted for falling in love and marrying my best friend and being happy! I guess I just don’t know what to do or if I should even do anything, life is too short to be unhappy all the time!

      NOT TO FUEL.

      1. It’s tough. My husbands ex just brutalized him. Really tried to destroy him. He overturned the insanity and won out in the end births damage she inflicted upon him and his kids is tremendous. The ex is supposedly bi polar 1. I tend to believe it. She tried to have he down kid arrested for kidnapping, is a prodigious thief and loose woman, shows up and torments my man, has alienated all of her kids, and pretends to be the ultimate victim andmotherofthe year at the same time. I’ve seen these behaviors, read the emails, read the heinous accusations she levied against my man, and seen the sadness in his kids. So lunch? A chat? No way. I just pray this horror show disappears.

  87. I read this article and my first impression was someone lives in a fairy tale world and cannot honestly think that having lunch with a toxic ex-wife will lead to something positive. I almost hit the “back” button to find another link on how to deal with toxic ex-wives, but then I started reading the comments. I have never responded to an article or even reached out to seek support so my hope is to find a positive from those that are going through similar situations. My story began 5 years ago when I met my current husband of 3 years. I was raised to always find the good in people, but also have a natural instinct to go with my gut instinct – whether good or bad. From Day 1, the toxic ex-wife reared her ugly head. She gained access to my FB page through her children’s accounts and then sent me a friend’s request of her own. She immediately began looking into my personal life and using the information on my page to keep an account of her ex-husband’s life. It didn’t take me long to unfriend/block her and the children’s access. She then created fake FB accounts and started sending me private messages bashing her ex-husband, and when I didn’t respond she started sending me private emails at which time I had to block her from this account as well. When she realized she didn’t have a direct way into my life, she started and continues to use her child as pawns to get information on me and her ex. Two weeks after my son and I first met my husband’s children, the ex-wife took the children to the doctors and alleged that they were sexually abused. How sad that a mother would put her own children through an ordeal like this. When my husband and I decided to get married, we tried involving the children in aspects of the wedding – having their names put on the invitations, having them try on their outfits, going to get them altered, etc., but knowing that the ex-wife was evil, we decided not to tell the children in fear of the ex-wife not allowing them to participate in the wedding. The end result was she didn’t allow them to participate in the wedding anyways. After we married, the ex-wife called my place of employment (govt) on more than one occasion alleging that I falsified documents that would allow her children to be on my health insurance. I had to go through a thorough IG investigation and was found not guilty of her shenanigans. She has stated in court documents that my husband and I were jeopardizing the children’s lives because the children are severely allergic to cats. Although we knew the severity was a lie, we had the children tested for allergies, and found that one was mildly allergic to animals. This ex has her children calling me the red headed demon, and now when visiting, these girls do not even speak to me upon entering my home – not even to say hello without being told to do so by their father. Bottom line, I’ve given these children a better life. I helped their father fight an ongoing court battle that gave him a life back with his children, and the children a life not only with their father, but his family. Every child has a right to be a part of their parent’s lives. In saying that, I’ve had enough. Five years of dealing with an abusive, controlling ex-wife who tries to manipulate every visit the children have with their father. The disrespect from these children and the ex-wife has been tolerated for too long, and it is no longer acceptable in my home. When their adverse behavior starts affecting my happiness, something has to change. I put my foot down this weekend, and told my husband that the children are no longer allowed in my home, my sanctuary of peacefulness and love – a home that I bought a year ago to hopefully bring our family closer together. He keeps asking me what if the tables were turned, what if it was my son who treated him in this manner. My simple response is I raised my son better than that. My son was raised to respect everyone and to be kind-hearted, and if he ever stepped out of line, there were consequences. My love for my husband is strong and I do not have any intentions of allowing his toxic ex-wife to come between us; however, I told him I’ve fixed everything else in his life and I did not have the fight left in me to fix this battle with his children of flesh and blood.

    1. He’s got to set the boundaries and put his foot down with his children. He needs to have an honest talk with his children and tell them that mommy has said some bad things about you that aren’t true because she’s jealous and hurting and how they can handle that without hurting anyone. Then set the rules and boundaries. If daddy lets them treat you that way it will only get worse. I’ve been there. My hubby set those boundaries. His daughters understood they were only their mom’s pawns yet did things anyways. They didn’t want to respect the rules and boundaries so they’re no longer allowed in our home. I know it drives them crazy. I think they expected him to give in and be a pushover like he was for so many years. They pushed this stepmom and their daddy too far!

    2. To AtaLoss-
      Your experience sounds terrible. At the end of the day… You are in control of this situation now. It sounds to me like you have done so much for both your husband and his children. (And their bitter, vindictive mother! Without your insurance, what would they have for healthcare? I’m sure she isn’t going to cover them at an expense to herself.) I say GOOD FOR YOU! Your decision to no longer allow those kids to disrespect you in YOUR HOME is a great decision! You’ve called the shot and you deserve to run the show now! I completely agree, you’ve fought for him and them – but now you’re done. You enjoy your peace and tranquility without rotten brats pissing you off. And if this matter places extra burden on your husband to see them outside of the home… So be it. He should’ve set things straight and set a presidence years ago. ?

  88. DontWannaBeSecondFiddle

    I tried to be nice, and tried to be her friend… I was called horrible names and informed that she was not interested in being friends. Then she goes to him and complains about me. He says they “only talk because they have a kid”. The thing is, their kid is 17, doesn’t talk to him, and doesn’t want him in her life right now. Its not like the kid is 5 and relies on her mother. She doesn’t actually live with her mom, her grandmother has custody! So am I stupid for sticking around?

    1. That’s a tricky one. Just because the kid doesn’t want anything to do with them and just because grandma has custody doesn’t mean they don’t or shouldn’t know and discuss what’s happening in her life. My ex and I have 2 young adult children we still discuss and help out from time to time. We’re not done parenting. Our oldest daughter wants nothing to do with him but he still has a responsibility. We also talk about some of the memories with the kids to keep a positive relationship for the kids, nothing more, and our spouses support that. If neither of them have custody, I would probably wonder if there’s other issues and question having a child with him. If they’re just talking to each other about their daughter, I wouldn’t worry about it. Maybe, they’re hoping to establish a relationship with her.

  89. I needed some opinions, advice or recommendations from other stepmothers. I have been with my husband for 5 years. Married for 3 years. He was married before and has 1 daughter with his ex wife. Now I try to be the best step mom I can be but I dont like be taken advantage of or not being appreciated. The ex wife is always texting since the beginning talking s**t about what a whore I was or how I look compared to her and that my husband lost something good when he walked out on her. She thinks she is ghetto and loves to talk through text but when I go with him to pick up his kid she has had many opportunities to tell me something to my face and never has. Through text she says that her daughter hates coming to our house because of me because according to her I make their daughter feel less which is not true. I have a son with my husband and she went on to even tell their daughter that my son was nothing to her. Of course the little girl asked us if that was true. But Karma is a bi**h because the little girl adores her brother and I guess that piss her off more. The ex wife says that we always do more for my son than their daughter which is not. I even plan our family vacations including her which I think I might stop if Im not being appreciated at all. The ex even texted me and said I have to treat their daughter as I treat my son which I dont agree with. Yes I need to respect and love the child but the things I will and would do for my son I wouldnt do for her. Because for that she has her mother. Another thing she is always saying she is going to take us back to court because my husband and I are married her child support would increase since I am the main salary in the house she would get more because they count both our salaries which I know is not true because their daughter is not my responsibility. We always gets text saying how horrible we are especially she is always putting down my husband and etc. can we apply for no contact with this crazy woman? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

    1. I’m both the ex-wife and the step-mom. I divorced my abusive, cheating husband. He remarried who he was cheating with. I was not friendly with her in the beginning. My kids hated her. They still don’t like her, and for many good reasons, however, I require them to treat her with respect despite the fact she didn’t respect them enough to leave their married dad alone. We have started to become friendly. I figure it’s going to be important if something ever happens to me–I want my kids to see I am ok with her being mom to them when I’m not there. Also, they now have a child together. When my ex and I were married we mostly argued about him not following through and having enough to do with the kids. He was always getting their hopes up, disappointing them, letting them down. He was always controlling but then his anger with the fighting caused control to turn to abuse. Now that he and his current wife have a baby together, they are fighting and I figure it’s just a matter of time before he’s beating her and she will need to feel safe coming to me to use me as a witness to his history. My husband’s ex, on the other hand, is the psycho ex wife, that acts like they are still married. She was emotionally abusive towards him, she cheated on him and she left him, yet she acts like I’m “the other woman”. And she was remarried with a child by her new hubby before I ever met my current husband. You’re correct that she has no access to your money. Child support is only figured on the parents incomes. At least in most states I know it’s that way, and I suspect it is in all. In fact, since you now have a child together, his child support to her for their daughter would likely decrease slightly. If the ex is name calling and stuff through text to your husband, I wouldn’t worry about it. Your husband can ignore it and really shouldn’t be hurting you by telling you about it. You do not have to treat his daughter the same as your son because he is paying her child support to take care of the majority of her material needs. Technically, child support is figured so that the non custodial parent can financially maintain clothing, shoes and basic needs for their children at their own too. Personally, the way kids grow out of clothes so fast, I think it’s silly to do that and send clothes and supplies with my kids. In return my ex buys school supplies and other things the kids need. Myhusband’s ex has been trying to get my money ever since we got married. It drives her crazy that we don’t support her family as well as ours. She is flippin’ crazy! As far as the ex not being supportive, appreciative, respectful etc, why do you care? Who are you doing it for? If the daughter appreciates it and is respectful and thankful, isn’t that enough? Who cares about the ex? If the daughter doesn’t appreciate it and isn’t respectful, don’t do it. We’ve put a stop to everything for my hubby’s daughter’s, due to their selfishness, using us and treating us like crap, playing games along with their mother. They didn’t even get a Birthday gift this year, only a card, Gma did the same. They are no longer allowed in our home due to stealing jewelry from me and my daughter along with other things. When they visit, they have to stay outside. It’s your home Hun. If she’s truly toxic, there’s nothing you can do. If she’s not, you just sit back patiently, give her room, don’t react to her tantrums. Try to comply with requests that are within reason. The way to tell the difference has a lot to do with the relationship between you and your husband. Did it start out as an affair? Were you the other woman, the one that had an affair with her husband? That kind of betrayal by another woman can make a woman seem like a toxic ex-wife but she’s dealing with a horrific pain the only way she knows how and it almost always gets better unless she truly is toxic. It takes time, sometimes years, but it’s worth the wait because when your two families join as one big whole crazy family, she’ll be thankful to have you in her life and you will be blessed to have her in yours. Believe me, I know. ?

      1. Thanks for your reply. Don’t mind it being long at all. Thanks for the insight. Actually we met when he was already separated from her and they were already living in separate houses. The child doesn’t appreciate either like her mother I guess they are training her right at her mothers house because she is just like her mother. She doesn’t even appreciate my husband and he does a lot for her. But I guess that is life. He has learned not to pay much attention to it even though I know deep down it hurts him. This ongoing drama has been going on for 5 years already I thought by now her mother would be over but I guess not. I just think whenever we do things I will just make it my husband, me and my child. Because I don’t like being appreciated at all. Good thing she cant touch my money that is what I thought. Again thanks for the advise.

        1. Sounds to me like she’s just truly a toxic ex like my husband’s ex-wife. Despite what this article suggests, there is not a thing you can do to deal with them. The best you can do is keep your relationship strong and protect your son from them. My husband was so hurt by his daughters, over and over and finally I decided I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was going to move out until they “grew up” or moved on or whatever. Honestly, I knew when I moved out, it would probably be over but I just couldn’t keep watching them torture the man I love. Then my husband said “No, they are not worth losing my family over. You, your kids and our son are my family now. I only hear from my kids when they want something from me. Youre right, I need to establish better boundaries with them.” It will be hard for him to establish boundaries but your husband will be so much happier not being hurt all the time. Your instinct about it pretty much just being you, your husband and your son now is right. I wish these crazy exes would wake up and realize they are only hurting their own children. I kept it civil with my ex and his girlfriend, finally wife for my kids and now we can all actually enjoy each other’s company for awhile. We had a combined kids’ family photo with me and my husbands son, me and my exes kids, my exes and his wife’s son. The kids I have with my ex wanted pictures with all their siblings, we were in same state at the same time, our spouses agreed it was a great idea, so why not? I pray all the toxic ex-wives (and husbands) wake up and learn to put their kids first or we are going to have a lot of dysfunctional individuals in this world!

          1. Wow Nik… We’ve been on here for a while and I read your reply as well… and didn’t know you have the worst of BOTH worlds :(. . My ex wasn’t the greatest either, he didn’t cheat, at least not that I suspected at the time but he did abandon us without warning. Then after the divorce, he filed and received joint custody of my teenaged son. Still, he is nowhere near as crazy as my husband’s ex wife… !! And no trouble from his current girlfriend as well, confirmed by my son when he is with them. And the relationship between my son and my current husband is great!
            My heart goes out to you that not only you have to deal with a crazy ex wife but a stepmother as well.

    2. Wow. Your story sounds exactly like mine. Scary…and hard to live with. I found relief in reading these posts and HOPE knowing I’m not the only one dealing with a mess like this. Court…accusations… Constant drama! I’m an educator and my husband’s ex has pulled every trick in the book. When does it ever end?

  90. Morning i were seeking advice and found you. Im married now and my husband is my one and only the one i wanted since i was young but now comes the evil ex wife. He only has one child with her and the marriage only last for 2 year. I love his son like it was my own, but his mother is destoing my marraige. I know she will always be there I KNOW THAT but everytime she sends my husband an email about what his son needs his so unhappy. Because she call him names and even told him his stupid just because he gave his life to God. He really is a better person now when he dicided to be for and with God. But she ask silly things of him like they pay half on everthing theby need and he still pay her money for his sons food, clothes and school but now she want more… what to do because she is bringing me into the picture and i didnt do anything to her?? How can i deal with someone who thinks everything se does is right and that he belongs to her when she was the one who cheated??? She even told her own son that shr only got married to have a child who says that to your own child…. I NEED HELP PLEASE

  91. This is some of the stupidest advice I have ever seen. First, when you marry anyone, you are NOT marrying their children or their exes. Regarding the other nonsense here, please do not try to get the ex-wife on your side or let her get to know you. Do not engage with her, period. You do not need her approval in any way, shape or form. And definitely DO NOT tell her what she does right. Your opinion of how she parents etc. should not matter to her and you do not want to open the door to her commentary on you…b/c her opinion does not matter. See “You don’t need her approval” above. The rest of this article makes more sense; however, when you study the advice on how to deal with difficult or toxic people, you’ll see a pattern: Minimize contact. This is exactly the opposite of what the author of this article is recommending in suggestions to take the ex out to lunch etc. You absolutely should leave the kids out of it – just b/c their mother is repulsive doesn’t mean they should pay for it. I know this can be difficult and it comes down to a conscious decision to choose to see the kids as their own people. Just as you don’t love them even though they share your husband’s DNA, you don’t need to reject them just b/c they share their mother’s DNA. As much as some desperate ex’s try to suggest otherwise, the truth is that a woman’s children are separate individuals from her. The last piece of advice in this article is really important – your husband made poor choices in the past and he knows it. No need to pour salt in those wounds. Show him some grace. If you cannot forgive him for his past indiscretions, you will never be able to respect him and that will eat away at your relationship. There is one key piece of advice that is missing here: Your husband needs to have boundaries with the ex. For example, if she tries to exert control by showing up at your house anytime, he needs to make it clear to her that is considered harassment or trespassing and she only has permission to show up at 5pm on Wednesdays to pick up the children. Period. Dot. His communication should be limited to topics that require parenting coordination (not all child-related topics do) and it should be via e-mail.

    1. THANK YOU!!! The husband is the one who needs to manage the x, set the boundaries and expectations. Our role is to love, respect, support and encourage the growth of the new family. We can’t force ourselves on the x’s if they aren’t willing to accept the situation. I tried the ‘olive branch’ and it turned into a whole new area for her to be angry about.

    2. Glad you said it! I’m so sick of these “authors” talking about how stepmoms should bow down to these crazy exes! They need to grow up and move on, def not the step mothers job to make her feel better. And you are 100% right, you don’t “marry” the ex. She is no longer a part of your husbands family…ie divorce. Thanks for your reply! It’s nice to see someone else has a grip

    3. Wow! This response is perfect.

      How much effort are stepmothers supposed to put out to try to fix someone else’s huge mistakes?

      I don’t talk to my husband’s ex and I don’t plan on it. Whatever issues she has are between her and my husband. I had/have nothing to do with it. I’m kind to her children and that’s the end of my responsibilities as a stepmother. She keeps trying to involve me, but I refuse. I don’t see how that is my responsibility. In fact, she is trying to modify her divorce decree to require quarterly visits to a therapist at “my expense” to discuss her children’s emotional state. Damn crazy. Can’t wait to pay a lawyer to defeat her crazy demands.


  92. Im married a man whos had one daughter. Every time some event about his daughter happen. They (my husband, his ex-wife and their daughter) always took picture together. A falimy picture. 3 only!! no one else… not me, not his ex’s boyfriend, not grandmom, granddad,.. and every time i saw that. Im sad, felt down and cried many time.. i told my husband how i felt about that kind of pictures. He said im over act. I really wonder!!!!! Am i really wrong about that???

    1. Hey Becky,
      I do not think you are wrong at all about that. Not at all. I’m married to a man who was married before me. I have two stepchildren. I have for three+ years dealt with and worked through a lot of issues and scenarios of being a stepmother and coping with a biological mother/ex wife out there. It ain’t easy, is it?! I found an incredible website about 2 years ago called Steps for Stepmothers. There is a posting board where really positive stepmothers go to discuss issues. I think you would really benefit from it. The very thing you are writing about in your post is just the thing that is discussed. IMO, what your husband and his ex-wife are doing by taking these photos together is acting like a family. They are no longer family and it sounds like he or she or both of them can’t quite get that. You have every right to be upset and hurt by it and you have every right to tell your husband how you feel about it. I encourage you to check out Steps for Stepmothers. It has done wonders for me. Peace to you.

      1. Thank you Sarah, I will visit that website. Must be some good tips for me..I met my husband when his daughter was 14. At beginning everything was going well between me and her. We out eat and shop also with her friends many times. But after 2 ys things gone up side down. And was sounds like she don’t like me cause I took her father away from her. I remember once she said, ” I’m no.1 and I want to be only one”. My husband and I (we were not marry yet at that time) tried so hard to take care and explain things. Nothing get better. Until this day she and I are not good friends anymore ..

        1. Becky, I think your husband is being incredibly insensitive. They are no longer a family and really shouldn’t be acting like one. A picture together very occasionally for child’s benefit is ok but every time is unnecessary imo. My husband’s youngest daughter was 12 when we got together. It seemed like we got along great, but I later realized she was only using me to try to get material things and get information to tell her mother. Now that she realizes she can’t manipulate her daddy to get me out of his life, she absolutely hates me and his horrible to me. Good luck and hang in there. :)

  93. Would love to do something like this, but it is just not an option! My fiancé and I have been together for five years. We are expecting our first child in a few months time. His ex wife refuses to acknowledge anything about me. Won’t allow me around their son if she will be present. No school events, sport events, birthdays or anything else. This has been addressed many times by my partner and he just can’t seem to get anywhere with changing the situation. She even dictates to her son that I am to leave the room in my own house if he is calling her. It just doesn’t seem appropriate especially after so long. She has dragged out the divorce for fours years, which was finalised finally. However, she refuses to get the financials sorted and Denys everything through her lawyers. I am so worried what life our unborn child will have, as I don’t want an innocent having to deal with these things. any suggestions for an ex who refuses to communicate, meet or even acknowledge my presence when standing near one another?

    1. There is not really anything you can do about an ex like that. Don’t push her and who knows, maybe some day, if she’s not truly a toxic ex, she’ll come around. Til then all you can do is be your fiance’s wife (so to speak) and try to be there for your stepson without stepping on her toes. That being said, your man needs to step up. She cannot dictate what you do in your own home. You mention dealing with lawyers. Get your lawyer involved to put this in writing and make it clear. As for public events she cannot dictate whether or not you attend (make this clear also). That being said, in this case, you and your guy have to decide what’s in the best interest of the young boy. If his mother is going to be going off on him the rest of the night because his soon to be step mom was there, it may be best to just let it go. Of course make sure he understands you’d really like to go but you want to respect his mommy’s feelings so you’re going to stay home and watch video or see pictures and celebrate with him later. He will love you even more for protecting his mom’s feelings. Once he’s older he will see his mom’s crazy antics for what they are and his response will be “I want you there, and if she has a problem with it, then she doesn’t have to come!” You’ll know then, it’s all been worth it. The best advice I can give you is to focus on keeping your relationship strong so her antics don’t have such an impact. If she’s truly toxic, she will try to turn the boy toxic against both of you and trust me, you will need your relationship at it’s best to deal with the horrific things that could come your way. I pray you’re one of the lucky ones and she humanizes again and if she doesn’t, that she is not able to turn their son into one of her pawns. I’ve gone through it first hand and wouldn’t wish it against anyone. Good news is, if you keep your relationship strong and your man is committed to your relationship and not willing to be abused by a toxic ex wife and children turned toxic pawns, you and your children and marriage can survive and be even stronger. Makes the ex even angrier, but the kids grow up and move away and she loses control. :) Hang in there. Blessings to you and baby.

  94. It’s nice to see comments that relates to me in many different situations. I’m suppose to be marrying the man I believe is my soulmate in a few months but his X makes it difficult for me to consider. She a nightmare!!!! She walked out on her husband and 2 children for over a year and now wants to play mom when I got a ring on my finger. We’ve been living together now for a year and raising his 2 girls and mine. We’ve never asked for child support but now she wants to do a equal custody 50-50 but on her terms I don’t even see how that’s right for the children and for my fiancé. She copies everything I do for her girls. I feel like I’m in competition. She finally got a two bedroom apartment because we called her out on her having the two children share a small sofa on the two nights she would keep them. She finally gets her children to school on time the one day of the week because I noticed Tardes. I buy them new clothes and shoes so she goes out and does the same. We are having our house built and that drives her nuts. Since the house started to be built she wants custody 50-50 and she wants to slam my name to the children and tell my fiancé he’s blinded I’ve tried many times to make it work with her but she feels everyone owes her she has no family here but she gave up the family she had because she couldn’t be faithful!!! I use to call her up if I was in the area where she works so she could have lunch with her kids and stop by time to time so the kids could see her. I tried my best to be a friend but it’s never enough I can NEVER do enough!! I’m not perfect but I’m not going to keep trying if she can appreciate any effort that I put towards her and her relationship with the children the children love me enough to consider me mommy but I’ve been there for them every day. I’m so tired of the disrespect that she gives towards me and my fiancé and my daughter who is only a year younger than her daughter she’s just really rude and shallow and selfish. I’m worried about this new 50-50 schedule that will start in a few months she doesn’t know how to be a mom more than two days because she will call us if the kids are sick or upset or need diapers she doesn’t know how to do anything on her own nor will she apply herself. The daily discussions and arguments because of her is tearing my relationship apart I just don’t know what to do anymore that’s why I’m just kind of standing back on marrying him till things can smooth out .
    This x wife stuff is NO JOKE!!!!

    1. Hi Stacy :)
      Yes, this x wife stuff isn’t a joke! And sadly, it is rare that things just “smooth out”. Most of these ex wives have severely negative personality disorder traits that never get resolved. I’ve been married for 7 years to my husband and although his ex wife’s escapades have drastically reduced after being warned by letter not to harass us anymore, she still manages to try to manipulate her adult children (approaching their 30’s) to disrespect us and they do. Though lately the one does so more than the other. I think one has finally started realizing their mother’s negative and damaging tactics. Sick, demented and evil as she is, she managed to corrupt her own children even though she was an adulteress and the cause for the divorce. .
      I feel that you are wise to take your time and think this through before marrying into this. On the other hand if your fiancée is made of the right stuff and doesn’t allow her to continue intimidating either himself or you and takes the appropriate action legally against her such as pursuing a “Limited Contact Order” unless it’s an emergency concerning the children. (Needing diapers is NOT an emergency worthy of calling an ex husband for when a next door neighbor can do the same.) Then SCREEN all phone calls coming from her forcing her to leave a message. Ignore all “nonsense” calls, texts and emails but save them to use against her as proof, responding back to only the critical ones. Hopefully she gets the message or risks getting into legal troubles. If not, then your fiancée has to step up and play hardball leaving nothing to chance, that is if he wants a marriage with you that can sustain all of this. Along with protecting his children from the parent alienating abuse their mother may bestow upon them.

      1. Adding on..
        Sorry, but when these bio moms use their children as pawns or as excuses to cause trouble between their ex husbands and their significant other, really hits a nerve with me.. they really do poison everyone around them, even their own children, so allow me to elaborate: The fact that if she wants the 50/50, then she must also accept the responsibility as a normal parent including providing everything they will need during the time they are with her. That includes diapers, clothing, food, shelter, transportation and medical care that she can take responsibility for by taking them to a doctor. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to recognize these responsibilities, especially if she’s filing for 50/50. I’m sure she already knows this but is playing games to maintain control.

        1. There is one thing I do want to express to you in part of how you mentioned that the children like to call you mommy. That is something that should not be encouraged. As sick as she may be, still, she is still their mother and should not be encouraged to call you mommy no matter how much they want to. Instead have them call you by your first name or It will send off mixed signals and may cause a lot of damage to them.

  95. This is unbelievable and getting completely out of control. The ex drops off her son tonight and I’m outside minding my own business because I know she’s dropping him off and I know she is going to have a conversation with my husband. And I know I cannot be a part of this conversation so I make myself invisible. I hear them screaming at each other and run into the house. They’re in each other’s faces and she’s calling me a whore. He’s telling her to get out of his house. That’s when I lost it. I apparently charged her yelling at her to get out. My husband grabs me so I can’t get at her (which is good because I was furious). I didn’t want him to do something he might regret while she was prodding him trying to get him to lose his temper. Fortunately, he’s dealt with her psychosis for more than a decade and has learned to control himself. Whereas I, on the other hand, have never met anyone like her in my life and my fuse is very short with her. She and I exchanged words while my husband called the police because she refused to leave. She had to be heard while telling me what a terrible person I am and that I am the reason her daughter and my husband have a failing relationship. She’s 11 and has been “tolerating” me for the past year. We have them every other weekend and enjoy the hell out of each and every one. I even got a voluntary hug from my step daughter the last time she was here. That is a major triumph! We want to take the kids to meet my parents so my husband asked if we could. That started another crazy spell with her. She claims her daughter has no interest in meeting my parents. To my face she says that she’ll never let the kids go anywhere with me. I’ve been nothing but the model step mom and I love both of my step kids. She says I’m jealous, but I’m pretty sure she is the jealous one. My husband and I have a wonderful marriage and we get along famously. We banter back and forth because that’s what we do, but we love each other to the ends of the earth. We met in junior high and found each other again a few years ago and haven’t spent a day apart since. I don’t know what she intends to accomplish with her constant power struggle. I’ve been trying to figure out her master plan, but I’m not devious and manipulative so I have no idea. I can’t imagine that it would be something as transparent as breaking my husband and me up. As amazing as she thinks she is, she’s not that good.
    This is nowhere near the whole story and we’ve only been married a year. I moved my whole life and moved across the country to start a new life with the man I love. My only regret is who he decided to marry over a decade ago. (Btw….just for the record, they’ve been divorced for 10 years, the majority of the kids’ lives).
    Thank you for having this webpage. I know this rant isn’t going to solve anything, but it’s nice to be able to get it out somehow. I don’t want to rant to my husband too much. He has too much stress as it is. And as terrible as this situation is….it’s nice (in some screwed up way) to know I’m not alone.

  96. I have been married to my husband for almost a year now and I have been on the crazy ex wife roller coaster as well! I read the one with the bi polar ex wife so sounds like my situation! I thought I was the only one. I try to be nice and she flips out , try to give friendly advice and she flips or just acts completely fake. Now, she is suggesting things that I suggested like a year ago that we should all do? Uhh.. it took her this long maybe she finally sees what it is doing to our daughter! She flipped out when our daughter started calling me mom instead of my name. I’m glad she finally got over that. I try to text her and talk to her like I do my friends but no response what should i do? I tried calling straight to vmail or maybe she just blocked me.

  97. I am sad to see how common this situation is… My partner’s ex also blames me for the failure of their relationship, does not want me to look after her children and is still trying to get him to return to her after two years apart. I wish she was open to meeting with me but she has banned me from her email contacts and even forbidden him from saying my name in her presence. I pray she finds a new parter, although I can see clearly she is in no state to create a healthy relationship, because as the very least it would take some of her attention away from me and her attempts to seduce my partner.

    If anyone has coping tools for dealing with such a situation, I would be glad to hear them.

    1. Hi Gisele :)
      There are many coping tools depending how serious your circumstance. The fact that there are so many of us is sad, but it’s still comforting to know that you are not alone. ((hugs-to-you)) :) Read through previous posts left by some of us as replies trying to help others especially with ways that we cope.
      Love, Marie L.

      1. Adding on:
        Praying that your husband is a loyal, faithful and trustworthy man, than you shouldn’t have much to worry about when it comes to her “seduction” game. Keeping it in mind that it’s just another one of the many childish games a toxic ex wife will play. She lost her “property” (your husband) and feels the loss of control over “it”. In most cases that’s pretty much the main reason, it’s not love that they really feel, but the loss of their “property” and the control they had over it before. I am quite convinced at this point that these toxic, chronically jealous and insecure women have a severe problem with feeling and experiencing real love.

        1. adding on (sorry, I “add-on” a lot so bear with me :) )
          continuing with my last “I am quite convinced at this point that these toxic, chronically jealous and insecure women have a severe problem with feeling and experiencing real love.”

          When you think of it, it’s quite sad that some of these toxic sick women can’t experience or show real love or empathy for other people. But then again, neither did Hitler. We should actually feel sorry for them to an extent which does help some of us to cope, eventually leading to forgiveness which will be the ultimate healing for us in the end. What I mean by “an extent” is based on the scale of how evil she could be. There will come a day when everybody will be held accountable for their actions.

          1. adding on–>You can’t manipulate, make excuses, lie or justify sins with and before God. He sees through their smoke screen. On the other hand if it helps you to cope by beginning to feel sorry for her instead of feeling threatened, etc, that is if your husband has your back so to speak, then it does help. But since it is difficult for someone who is a victim of this to cope, this is a great place to vent away and release the anger and frustration. Also to know that you aren’t alone and there are many of us here that can give advice. The author of this blog may not be able to offer on a more direct level, which I can understand being that she is a professional and it may be a bit unethical for her without you seeing her on that level. Which is why most of us suggest one on one counseling and/or marriage counseling. :) but posters here including myself may be able to help a bit more with basic advice. :) Then again, there’s only so much you can get from a blog post.

  98. What does one do when the above steps were tried and failed? I tried with husbands ex and after about a year I stopped. We are married 3 years, he has a 10 year old precious daughter, I have two sons, and we are a very happy blended unit. My husband is an amazing father and spouse. His ex is medically DX bipolar and he left her a year after his daughter was born because she physically attacked him and it was the last straw for him. She attacked him while he was getting his baby girl out of the vehicle at 2am because bio mom was driving with her while drunk. He pushed his ex wife to the side to get his daughter and she started hitting him. (Of course her story she tells to their daughter is that daddy hit her) he does not have that in him towards anyone. He’s a nice man and he is aware that is the reason he stayed up until that moment. First year of marriage she almost had me fired, wasn’t allowed to brush stepdaughters hair or hold her hand, no allowed to wash her clothes, and the kicker was when she threatened to not allow my husband to see his daughter because he moved me and my two boys in and they might “touch” her daughter. And yet, after everything she did or said, I never once retaliated or bad mouthed her in front of any of the children. First time I met her after her shenanigans I walked up to her, smiled, and introduced myself in front of her and her entire family. Wish I had a picture of her face lol. Year two and three she quoted down here and there but still randomly tries to start things. Recently she told stepdaughter that someone said I make her call me mom. My husband freaked out once we were alone. And just the other day told stepdaughter that SHE (bio mom) tolerates me but doesn’t have to like me. I think I’ve been the one tolerating her. My husband and I are happy and have never fought nor even had a little spat regarding her crazy antics. My one and only issue is that there never was a legal shared custody between them. Just by mutual agreement. So that being said, she dictates when he can drive to get her on his weekend and refuses to give a time as to when to drop her off. Some weekends that are his he is told ex and her husband along with my stepdaughter have plans and
    then we find out there never was any. My husband works out of state and is gone most days of the week and drives long hours to go and get home. The kicker, he’s the only one allowed to get her and must pick daughter up which is 45 minutes away. If he doesn’t go get his daughter he won’t see her for his weekend. This ticks me off because I know she does this on purpose with a smile. My husband has the papers to file and has them filled out but his legitimate fear is ex will keep his daughter out of spite until hearing. She took him for support right before her son was born two years ago so he always pays on time. I just want my husband and stepdaughter and I to have a stable routine instead of the ex controlling the visitation. It’s her last ounce of control and she knows it. How do I get him to file and let God and the universe show him everything will fall into place and be ok. This crazy excuse for a woman needs to stop using her child as a pawn and to leave me alone. I tried to be friendly and she knocked me down everytime or tried to manipulate me. She figured out she couldn’t control me and became irate and trying to find a button to make me go crazy on her. Yes, she did hit a few buttons but she will never have that satisfaction of knowing she upset me.

    1. My suggestion is file for state visitation if he’s paying support he’s candidate for at least the minimum visitation. Set in stone, with times & limits, etc or mediation to work a schedule. I have this with my sons father & it’s saved allot of heart ache. My soon to be ex didn’t hsve arrangement either just he was primary & it was constant drama with girls mom too even when they didn’t want to go see her… I’m sry & hope it helps

      1. It does help. Thank you. She’s now starting to sling verbal attacks at me hoping it pushes my husbands button for him to engage in a fight with her. We love each other and have great communication so it will never happen. Yes she started using his love for me against him but he’ll never let her know that it made him angry. He’s a very logical thinking man and after a minute or two of getting angry and pacing he’s back down to earth.

  99. I’m not sure to post or not. We’re attending marriage counseling today & are seperated 3 months now. I asked for seperation and moved out. I’m a mother of 2 boys & stepmom to 2 girls. The ex wife in hindsight has always been unkind. She started by walking in our home as she owned it & snide remarks at ball games encouraging hubby to consider old flings. She has lied, she consistently calls, texts & plays on his & girls emotion. She has stolen from credit cards, committed tax fraud times two & has had girls steal from our home too things like jewelry from my sons, was first present they bought me & sentimental. She has now stolen from oldest step daughter & wrecked Her credit (she’s 20) both girls have stolen, lie consistently, have behavior & emotional issues galore. My husband is no angel in it as he has never set boundaries & allows whatever she does to continue without filing charges or protecting the rest of us here. It isn’t the only issue in our marriage but after 15 yo stealing lying getting caught drinking at school & deciding to run away & raging at me after I picked her up & brought Her home I asked for seperation. Trust was broken in marriage before all this, my husband & I had been working to repair things from his need to text, fb & chat up women in secret… Is all very hard because I do love my husband but don’t know how to protect myself or my boys in our own home. Bio mom has been to jail, has a history of moving at least yearly, goes to hospital every 30 days (I’m guessing for pain pills) and has had ppl call my phone using my husbands last name (which hasn’t been hers in 10 years). How do I end all this with her? How do I know girls won’t go crazy & steal, lie, cause harm to myself or children now? They both since split live in our home with their father 24/7 & say they regret their actions but social media still shows them running with same thug friends etc… I’m open to criticism & comments but really looking for advice & help as to stay out, go back, or how to view my marriage as salvageable

    1. Im just curious if she has been arrested for the credit card fraud and theft. And there are many things here that have me going no way. I would be asking for court intervention or a court appointed guardian to see whats in best interests of the children. Sounds like you have yours hands full. Marriage counseling is great cause there you can both see if you can save your marriage.

      1. She was arrested for stealing from places she was employed, the last was before I was in the picture. She had around $14,000 my husband paid off for her to sign over him being primary custodian. I never understood why he didn’t let her go to jail & file for full rights. None was over credit card. It’s just stealing from employers & shop lifting each time he paid fines. Since I’ve been in picture it’s been directed at him me or kids. She had her daughter take out a loan at 19 & never paid it back, she took all of her money to pay her own bills & wants. It breaks my heart but idk how to fight it as most has been directed at me since marriage. Fun thoughts in the counseling office waiting room. I’m absolutely terrified of this appointment today. Keep me in your thoughts & prayers please

      2. Hun, the only thing you can do to deal with the toxic ex wife from my experience and in my opinion is to keep your marriage strong and let her get caught in her own little mind games. As far as the kids go, strength, love and trust in your marriage is critical and establishing boundaries and with and requiring respect from those kids is a must! I hate to say it but if your husband has been hiding communications with other women from you, he has essentially been cheating (hiding a relationship, whatever that relationship may be). Cheating doesn’t always have to be sexual. This type of activity is incredibly damaging to relationships. I suggest you focus on this first and foremost. If you want to save your marriage, continue working with your husband but don’t let yourself be a doormat. If he’s not going to change, it’s not worth dealing the rest of your life with an unsupportive husband, a toxic ex wife and horrendous step kids. Cut your losses and start living a life that you are worthy of. Put yourself and boys first!

        1. Thank you… Counseling is weekly. She suggests we live seperate until his youngest hits 18. 3 years of dating when we can. She felt nothing can be done with ex, suggested antisocial personality disorder & that being friendly only encourages acts of unkindness to self & kids. So it is possible you can’t work with or be nice to fix things with certain ex wives. She was as perplexed as I am as to how she isn’t in prison on a long term sentence. Long exhausting day. I do think your right on us focusing on our issues with other mentioned issue & we are. I appreciate the thoughts & advice through counseling. It is very sad to be closing this chapter of being married, even if married we are unable to live together due to the issues at hand with safety & making home secure.

          1. Just an update on ours… We’re divorcing. He won’t resolve boundaries with bio mom & girls are still running wild… I decided enough is enough. He wouldn’t compromise & manipulated things to get me into counseling. Our counselor didn’t suggest reconciling either. I’m glad to be out & hong divorce is over soon. I just couldn’t live in fear anymore & wish everyone better luck than us. Bio moms if truly ASPD ( termed in past sociopaths) can’t be worked with & is best especially if kids are teen or adult to just get out & move on. I’m hopeful it is a fresh start without having to move to get away from them

          2. Hi Nikki
            Oh your story sounds like so much like mine although i was only in it for under a year. His kids were stealing, breaking in to the house although i think they were already doing that before I came along. I actually had a nervous break down in the end, he left me after i had an outburst one night when i found out he had been telling her the x all our private stuff, i never heard from him again but of course i heard from her, his kids even there friends it was full of abuse.

          3. For the record… I’m perusing divorce. He won’t set limits & she’s absolutely not changing not are teens… It is impossible, per my experience & therapist input to deals with aspd (sociopath) ex wife… Only people hurting are children & myself. Praying divorce is smoothe & I don’t have to move from here to get away from him or her or all of it. It’s bad enough I lost my marriage to it. It is very hard to be a 2nd wife or a stepmom & some people, like myself, get the 1 in a million ex who commits crazy harmful acts & crimes & the husband who lets her… Best of luck & my ear is here if anyone needs help getting out of moving on or just a person to relate too.., is helped me much having support. I don’t think we’d of made it out of this without kind souls

    2. Nikki, Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you. I hope your transition has helped you find some peace in your life, although I know how painful and difficult it can be. Just remember your boys will grow so much stronger and safer because their mom–you–is standing up for her worth!

  100. I can’t believe that I am even typing this but I feel like I am at the end of my rope. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We have been together for 5 years. The problem is this his ex wife continues to constantly attack my husband and myself. She states she needs to have a relationship with him. The problem with that is she wants to text h at 10 o’clock at night about how an old friend of theirs is going great things. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and I would never think about sending a text to my ex about one of out friends from the past. Ex wife has verbally attacked me does not want me to have anything to do with the kids like for example if he is at work I am not allowed to discipline the kids (make them have a time out). The kids are getting older and they always have a blast when they arw here. Which is not very often because we all love so far apart. She statdd that i never let the kids have alone time. So i step aside and let them have all the time they want alone with him. Then she flips it around and says that I dont pay them enough attention. I am damned if i do and damned if i dont at this point. I just feel that she is the one who wanted a divorce from my husband. He caught her in bed with someone else but we are the bad people. I don’t know if any of this even makes sense. I just feel like I am going to scream. I love my husband and I would do anything for him. I feel like she coming in between us. I have asked him to have her stop attacking me. That if they need to talk they should be talking about the kids and leave me out. I am not sure where to go from here. My kids leave for the summer and they will be here which I am excited about because they will get all the attention they need. But we have been down this road before and it gets turned on us because the kids had no one to hang out with. I need some advice. I am building more and more walls everyday. I don’t want that.

    1. Hello Dawn, why don’t you try to become friends with her? Invite her over lunch or smth :) Sounds crazy, but u have things in common, you are both mothers. By establishing dialog, you may slowly establish boundaries you want, as she will get to know you better and may like you :)
      Another thing getting her a bfriend would be good :) as she would be busy with him, instead of texting messages to your husbant, as she sounds like she is a single person at the moment.

      1. Yulia thank you for response. I assure you I have tried being her friend. She also has a boy friend. Honestly don’t know what do to. But thank you.

      2. Yeah, my husbands ex wife HATED me for no reason for years but I think it’s because she wanted him back ( she left him ) but after she finally found herself a man she backed off and we became civil. We would talk for an hour, go shopping together, have joint birthday Parties and everything. Then the children decided they hated her new husband so then she turned them against me saying I was the reason they got divorced and if I was out of the picture her and my husband would get back together. So needless to say I do not have anything to say to her. I do not want her in my house I do not want her breathing the same air as me. Hearing her voice makes my skin crawl!!!! My husband and I have been together over 12 years now and I still can’t deal with his ex. Mostly because she’s still in love with my husband and everyone knows it!!! Good luck to you girl. I hope you and the ex wife can get along. It is not easy being the new wife!!!

        1. I am seeing that exact same thing. She has told him that it should have been her that has this life with him. They have not been together in 6years. We have been together for 3years. She only started back in her childs life when she found out we were getting married. She has told chris he could do better than me. I have nothing i can say to her. I agree with you.

    2. Most ex wives that are truly considerate do not look for ways to antagonize the situation. Being “friends” can be helpful ONLY if the ex wife knows the boundaries and doesn’t “feel” inclined to upset the balance and respects (key word is respect) the situation mutually, when it comes to her stand, the father’s stand and the step mom’s stand. With an honest intention and without resentment due to personal, unresolved issues due to chronic jealousy, etc , for the mental health of the children that are involved. They respect boundaries and realize that any positive person in their child’s life that shows love is a GOOD thing. And not something to compete over or become overly and outrageously jealous of.

      Unfortunately, I agree with a former poster here who said, that type of ex wife is an exception, NOT the norm.

      My advice to you is the next time she attacks you is to keep your cool and ignore, ignore and then ignore some more. To let all interaction be done between her and your husband, to your husband. It is his battle to fight, not yours. Yours is to be supportive to him, (but NOT a doormat) and to be maternal towards the children in caring for them. Even discipline should be more his job than yours. If her behavior gets worse, I hope your husband will take legal, affirmative action against her by at least limiting the contact to only emails, etc and only concerning the children.

      1. Marie L. Your right most ex wives are not like that. I am a ex wife and I know without a doubt that I have to trust my ex husband to take the best care of my daughter. I think the biggest thing is she has lost all control of my husband and wants to control all aspects of her life including the kids. As far as discipline is concerned I totally agree he should be the one who does that. But sometimes when the kids are swinging at each other and he is not home someone needs to stop them lol….at the end of the day all I want is to live in peace and not feel like I have to be on the defense.

        1. So am I, being an ex wife myself. My ex husband has a girlfriend and just as long as she is good to my teenaged son, that’s all that matters.

          It’s astonishing (and frightening to some extent ) how situations like this are so similar to so, so, SO many out there.

          My suggestion is to certainly break up the fight, etc, when your husband is not there and keep them apart either by interacting them with something else, etc., then wait for their father to come home to discipline them. I hope and pray he does it with the intention of really lovingly correcting them and not either evading, pacifying or leaving the situation entirely up to you. Because that not only sends the wrong message to his children, it is not fair to you to put you in that position entirely.

          1. The whole correcting them has come with time and I know that it will get better. When the kids have gotten corrected they call their mom and everything usually goes into some kind of war. Life has not been easy keeping my mouth shut is hard at times. I have learned that it is better. I feel better talking about it on here makes me feel not alone. Like I stated before just want things to go smoothly while they are here and just want everyone involved has a great time.

          2. Vent away dear :) They are many of us here! Don’t forget to have a good time yourself, not just everybody else. This is an enormous burden and struggle and you’re important too. Don’t get lost in the shuffle.

          3. Thanks for the reminder. We often forget to have fun. I know I am usually trying to make sure everyone is not upset or filling left out of something.

        2. Hi Dawn :) I came back here and read over your post and the part: “The whole correcting them has come with time and I know that it will get better”.

          I can’t help but get the feeling that it’s lacking there. I know what that feels like too, if that’s is the case. My adult aged “stepsons” were disrespectful to both their father and myself and continue to be. They are both highly influenced by their bio mom who “wore the pants” even when married to their father. She in turn raised her sons to be co-dependent towards her to make herself feel better about herself. It resulted in the same immature, blame shifting characteristics in her children that In turn, turned them into duplicates of herself. They still have no real grown up responsibility for themselves or respect for others, especially their father and me. They are basically still children even though they are approaching their 30’s. And I hate to say it, the situation isn’t entirely the ex wife’s fault, but also their father who allowed her to do this. Now one is in constant trouble with the police, has warrants against him in 3 states and is addicted to drugs and is pretty much a fugitive. He still continues to blame everyone else but himself for his situation. The other lives with his mother, has been going to school for years and years with nothing to show for himself but the inability to be able to be independent enough to live completely on his own. And if he does get a “real” job, he’ll probably spend a lot of his life paying off all the student loans he accumulated.

          So, it is very, very important that your husband assumes the role as a parent, not a “friend”. And one who expects respect coming from his children and nothing less. Otherwise they will be disciplined accordingly.

          My husband had slid into a more receptive, being a friend instead of a parent type dad and would try to use that method instead to combat the bio mom’s lies and blame shifting. He was very lax in discipline for quite some time which is the worst thing to do. The only alternative and relief to this was the fact that he finally recently realized the situation was unhealthy for him, I, our marriage and especially, his adult sons to continue this way. Unfortunately, it’s too late. They are now way past grown adults and have to learn the importance of being responsible pretty much on their own along with being over-run by a highly manipulative and chronically insecure and jealous mother.

          And if I didn’t mention, he wasn’t the one that initiated the divorce. His ex wife was an adulteress and refused to end the affair. It was her that caused the divorce but she still manipulated her children against their father.

          Like I mentioned… I hope and pray that your husband doesn’t fall into that same trap. That he reinforces the role as being a father, especially if they are still young. That he doesn’t get intimidated by their mother and guides his children to learn the value of respect. At least they will get a strong foundation from him.

          1. My own little add-on was finding out that the eldest son does still live part time with his mother when we thought he had other more permanent arrangements. Guess that was just another fib. What is important though is that his dad has finally stood his ground. His son must learn to be a grown up, independent adult in spite of it. And he can no longer live with us. Nor will we tolerate his lack of respect for us and our home. There are many people in this world that never had good role models so to speak and still live productive lives.

          2. Your right Marie kids needs role models. My husband calls and speaks to the kids all the time and tries very hard to be apart of their lives when they aren’t here. I feel bad for him because most of the time they won’t give him the time or day unless they want something from him. He pays 2200.00 in child support and 1000.00 a month in alimony and she still has the kids call for new shoes clothes etc. Which we don’t mind most of time but she states she carries the financial burden for the kids and he has to help more. I get floored when she pulls that cause most of time he does give her more. I don’t know how someone can control someone by using the kids to get what they want. She keeps them under her finger makes them call her every night before bed and sometimes during the day. So he can never really have alone time with them cause she is always making sure she is in the picture some how.

          3. Hi Marie…well I am going to start off by saying that everything you wrote was like reading my last 5 years. I would love for my husband to take a more active role in discipline when it comes to the kids. He normally waits until he is about to loose his mind before he does anything. You are right about if he doesn’t it will turn out bad. They already think they can say pretty much whatever they want to him. I informed him that I do not let my kids talk to me disrespectful and I will not allow them to. She tries to control everything we do and up to this past year did control my husband when it came to the kids. I remember they came up for summer break once and went back and told their mom that I had hit their father. She called ranting and raving about how I shouldn’t put my hands on him in front of the kids. We couldn’t believe that they had said that. So we spoke to them and sure enough they said that they saw me put my hand on his shoulder and thought I had hit their father. They later admitted it was all a lie. I have tried like I said to not say much. But it seems sometimes that keeping to myself is the best way to keep from loosing it completely. Thanks again

          4. Well, for starters, I know it’s an extremely difficult situation that is almost impossible to handle alone. Ignoring the ex wife’s escapades is one thing and it is highly recommended to do so as a result. That is when it comes to your reaction directly towards her. But it doesn’t mean that you should put yourself into a position where you are not heard or alienated. So no, I don’t think you should just shut your mouth about it. That could lead to a great deal of resentment that compiles over time towards your husband along with basically turning yourself into a doormat to his children. Remember, you are a precious child of God and deserve the right as a wife to be loved. On the other hand, having a realization that you can support your husband and urge your husband to do the right thing when it comes to his children, but it is ultimately up to him to actually do so. Suggesting to go to a counselor may be a good start to help him realize this. If he doesn’t go, then maybe you can go alone at least to help you cope with all of this. Whatever you do, please don’t alienate yourself or succumb to a resolution that you are “stuck” with this for the rest of your life. If anything, YOU can be strong and overcome. :)

            In this situation, I have grown more faith, perseverance, wisdom and trust in God than ever before. It has been a long road but it is extremely helpful to surround yourself with friends (from church, etc), to get help from counseling, to let go of anger and frustration on blogs like this one instead of harboring it and to grow more and more stronger in this. Along with the hope that you will come through on the other side. :)

    3. At least she allows the kids to be with you when husband isn’t home. Lol. My husbands crazy EX will not allow that with his daughter and I. It’s been 3 years with us also.

  101. So i have a different situation. I have been in a relationship for 3years now. We are getting married in a few months. About a year ago we were contacted by the ex. They were never married but have a child. He has full sole custody of his child and mother only has supervised visitations. There’s quite a bit of negative history and mental health issues with the mother. She has made it clear that she would like to see her son. Now here is where senario is vastly different. When we got together it had been over a year since she had seen her child. Then another year went by before she came to a birthday party. So in essence she had gone almost 2 years without seeing him. She left the birthday party and almost another year passes before we get to where we have been for the last 10 months. he decided to do about 6to 8 weeks if texting or phone call before he would even allow his child to have a phone conversation with her. Then we graduated to public park and restaurants. Now she called 3 times to talk in the phone and 2 times in a public place. So since July of last year she had seen him 5 or6 times. He turns 7 this year. So now the new conversation is that she cant handle seeing her ex with his new family. That she sees him and the life he has created and has with me and cant take it. I know she is jealous, i know she has unresolved feelings. I have been the only mom he knows for the last 3 years. How do i tred without hurting this poor child. I know she will leave again. I know she will hurt this child again emotionally.

    1. Well, realistically, even though it is difficult, I suggest that you don’t interfere with the relationship she is trying to regain with her child, regardless if she has unresolved issues, it is best that you take a step back. If you try to interfere with it, it may show the child that you are trying to keep the child away from his bio mother and may cause more harm than good. Although, what I do suggest as well, is to keep a close watch to make sure that she doesn’t try to alienate the child’s father or you by trying to set the child against either of you, which is common when it comes to overly jealous and toxic ex wives. That can be viewed as child abuse. In turn, always keep a positive view in front of the child when it comes to the mom.

      Good luck and God bless.

      1. So we have had a few visits since this post. Due to her lack of contact in the last few years, she has very akward and limited conversations with her child. She was recently asked if she and her new boyfriend would like to visit at our home and she could see his new room and toys. She informed chris that it was too hard for her. That she sees the life he has built with me and its to much for her to deal with. She told him that it should have been her. She has very little to say to me ever. I always say hello when i in see her and i always tell her good bye and i hope she had agood visit. She also told chris recently to tell me that she appreciated everything i have done and thanked me for taking such good care of her child. Now me being the type of woman that i am i was offended. If another woman was caring for one of my children, I would be telling that woman myself thank you. It was as we found a ploy on her part to cause problems and make herself look better to Chris. There are things she has said to her child that we both have questioned her why would you say that to a 6yr old. He has talked on the phone to his bio and there have been whispered conversation where he has said daddy doesn’t like this or that. Or he calls her annoying or stupid. Last time we met she was vulgar to chris in a public restaurant. Its just a train wreck because he doesn’t want her to flip out and start using her child as a pawn. I have say she needs very clear rules and boundaries. If you don’t tell her when to stop or whats not ok she will continue. I am just trying to keep my footing and not sink.

  102. My husband and his ex-wife, who is toxic, were married for 9 years and had no children together. She was abusive and controlling during their entire marriage, and their divorce was an ugly, drawn-out affair. He and I have been married for almost 14 years and have 3 children together, and to this day, the ex continues to harrass and torment me. She has made obscene phone calls, threatened me and our children, and is a general nuisance. She spent the first 2 years of my marriage destroying my relationship with my husband’s family, even going so far as to telling his family that our oldest son doesn’t belong to my husband. My husband has confronted her in the past, to which she replied with a laugh, “Now would I do something like that?” She refers to me as his whore and his “legal secretary”, which is really bizarre! I do not respond to her and never have, but after a decade and a half of abuse, I have finally had enough. My children do not know their family because of this monster’s behavior and I still suffer from abuse from my in-laws. I feel so alone! I love my husband so much, but I don’t think I can make it through this. I’m beginning to feel vulnerable, and want to ensure my children’s well-being and happiness. Sometimes, I feel that my husband doesn’t even try to understand the depth of my feelings. I was never married before, so he can’t possibly understand what it’s like to be “second best”. I really need help and/or advice from someone who has been in a similar situation.

    1. Well, the one thing I can reassure you with is that you are definitely NOT alone. It may help you to know that… :) As far as your husband is concerned and how he is handling the situation, I know what that feels like too, as well as knowing that some husbands can be in denial of the real problem because of fear, intimidation, manipulation and/or pride in connection to the ex wife. A lot of times the husband carries his own baggage from his prior marriage into the new one. There could be many reasons for this. I think it would be fair to say that most of the time it has to do with a deep rooted shame and insecurity in knowing that they allowed their ex’s to rule him the they do. So they compensate with the new wife, sometimes way, way, way too much. Also, I’ve read in other blogs that some husbands may even miss the drama they had with their ex and can get bored with a normal, quiet wife.

      Have you considered marital counseling? If you have in the past and your husband doesn’t want a part of it, you may want to consider going alone to a counselor. Not because YOU are wrong, but just getting outside help to deal with this horrible situation. There is only so much someone can help you from a blog post, though, they are great places to release and vent the anger and frustration by writing it out here. Along with counseling, I would also suggest to surround yourself with female friends and family who do support you along with connecting yourself with a local church.

      This scenario is NOT EASY and is extremely difficult for all of us… that is the reason why most 2nd marriages do not last 75 percent of the time and it’s all due to the toxic ex wife. So it would be fair to say, you are not over-reacting. Hang in there hon…

      1. Also, I forgot to add (I do that a lot here :), as well as walk away from my pc a lot, so bear with me.. :):

        Some husbands may also like the attention they get coming from both the ex and the wife, as well as the ex wife having the power to make you crazy as well… So I then say, don’t give attention to it, especially towards the ex wife. Ignore her. And if your husband reinforces the need for that negative attention, don’t let it rattle you. His job is to protect you from that and f he’s not doing his job, then you have a right to protect yourself from it by not feeding that negative wave of attention coming from either of them. You are loved by God, therefore someone very precious and special. And know that. :)

        1. ADDING ON: (sorry, again)

          The reason why I am emphasizing more on the problem with your husband is because gathering from what you wrote, he shares no legal obligation to his ex wife. There are no kids and the marriage many years ago.

          So the question is, why is he even allowing her to continue her harassing behavior towards you. Where is the “No Contact Restraining Order? Where is the Cease and Desist Order? Especially now that you have children with him and they are being affected by her.

          I am not saying you shouldn’t love your husband, you certainly should. But it is HIS job to protect you and his children from this. This is an ex wife that he has no obligation to. There are no children from this woman involved. The only connection they HAD was they were married and divorced several years ago. He needs to step it up.

          If he doesn’t, then you have the right to protect yourself and your children from this. If I were you, I would make logs of every single harassment related incident towards you, whether it’s slander or harassing phone calls. Then go to your nearest police station and file either a “No Contact Restraining Order or a Cease and Desist Order against her. With or without your husband. Hopefully with.

        1. I haven’t posted to other blogs aside from this one for quite some time (several months), that I can’t recall others off the top of my head right now. Because this is such a topic that can be no longer be ignored, there are quite a few of them to keep track of through the years.

          Many women are suffering tremendously and it’s not because they can’t “go to lunch”, it’s because the ex’s in their lives, especially the female ex is set out to destroy, not befriend, or even have a mature capability to sustain a normal, civil relationship with boundaries as other divorced couples do with a real interest and concern for their own children. They don’t seem to understand what boundaries are and they keep their children (minor or adult) as co-dependents towards themselves to make themselves feel better about themselves. Hence, the blame shifting continues in the children instead of taking a grown up responsibility or even learning how to do so. In turn, they make “duplicate” copies of themselves. It’s sad and this is happening ALL the time. Everywhere. There’s too many to count. So I’ve lost track.

          Besides, keeping to just one blog from time to time is better than spreading out, and also due to the fact that this one is quite popular. I have read many situations here not only very similar to mine, but there are compounded with an arena of advice, even though the author may not be able to give it herself. For now, this is good enough. As for myself, I have grown tremendously in faith, strength, perseverance and wisdom. All through grace that has poured on me directly from God.

          I suggest, keep reading here. Although I come here off and on it is still filled with many, many others going through this same horrible situation that can help you as well. :) I prefer not to be singled out. :)

          1. Sorry Lisa, when I got back to my pc, I realized I had gotten distracted and misread your question. I thought meant posts I posted in the past. Now I realized you meant what I read.

            There is a site but it is a secular site, which I try to avoid most of the time because they stress more on separation and divorce than trying to gain faith and perseverance in the situation. Divorce may be imminent in SEVERE cases of emotional and physical abuse, which is NOT my case. Though did have fellowship with married women who did find themselves in such conditions in which I did support them for the sake of peace and safety. Though I do not push divorce if individual faith, strength and perseverance is what is needed.

            Also, to give warning to some that may be dating (not married) a man who has a chronically jealous and toxic ex wife to know what they may be in store for and to consider it strongly before marrying him.

            I’m not sure if I’m allowed to post a link to it here, and if I’m not allowed,, Laura please free to delete this part… :—> You can google it: The Good Wife – Who’s helping you, when his ex is a borderline”

          2. I’ve been with my spouse now for four years, and his ex-wife is still angry, bitter, and down right vindictive.

            I, too, have learned so much about myself and what my marriage means to me, and quite frankly, no one can change the ex-wife or her behaviors.

            I’ve not met the ex-wife, nor do I care to. Not because I am a rigid person, but because I am a firm believer that how ones relationship with the ex-wife or husband is, is a barometer to how the new wife/husband’s and ex- will be. If the ex-wife and my husband can’t co-parent together, why would ours work?

            Solution: BOUNDARIES. I cannot, and will not meet this ex-wife unless I have a lawyer or judge present. She has called CPS twice, the police once, and has told her children she will beat me up. Childish? Yes. Workable relationship? No.

            I don’t believe the bad-mouthing, parental alienation, or slandering will end. TRUTH: some people are impossible to deal with. They are high-conflict people, who thrive on drama, live to put others down just to build themselves up. They are damaged people. Possibly suffering from some personality disorder, and have had numerous failed relationships.

    2. JJ I can honestly say I understand your feelings. Nobody can understand this nightmare unless they have lived it and sometimes people find it hard to believe that an ex would take that much time to invest in the new wife. I lived the nightmare and currently dealing with an ex-wife but my emotional approach is different now. Let me tell you how to get that monkey off your back. Do you remember when you got married and you took your vows it said for better or worse? This might appear to be part of the worse but this should make your marriage stronger if you are looking at the situation differently. I know it sounds crazy but here me out. If you can bear 13 years of harassment you and your husband should be able to withstand anything. It doesn’t sound like your husband is protecting and defending his family. The only reason I could say this is because you wrote in how you feel about this ex-wife after 13 years. 13 years?? This shouldn’t be an emotional rollercoaster for you 13 years later. This ex-wife is your husband’s baggage and he is not listening to your feelings and doing something about it. Until he treats this woman like she has Ebola, not feed into his family’s relationships with her, stand up to his family for disrespecting you and your children you will always have these troubles and feelings. The ex is winning because nobody will tell her where to get off. Sometimes family enjoys drama. Sit your husband down and talk not argue with him and devise a game plan that will create this imaginary brick wall between your family and this ex. I suggest you come up with a list of questions that you want answers to and ask him how you can help him to make your marriage stronger. This ex is not relevant!!! Remember that. You have been married for 13 years and have the 3 children. She obviously has no life. After 13 years she’s still acting a fool? Your husband has to be willing to fight for his marriage, protect his family and you have to hold your husband to it. If he is not willing to do that you might want to seek counseling to address the issues. We did and it helped. He needs to step up and talk to his family and straighten that crap out. If they want to be a part of her life so bad and disrespect you he needs to pull away from his family until they respect you and your children. Once he starts to stand up for you and your children you will feel a load lifted off of you, you will not feel so alone, you will not feel frustrated and angry. It will make your marriage stronger. Trust me you will be happier once your spouse has your back and makes you the #1 person in his life. We do more together now than ever before. The ex brought my husband and I closer. I can honestly tell you my husband’s ex doesn’t bother us anymore. It took us 3 years to get to this place. She continues to do the craziest things and we just laugh because we feel sorry for her. Also, don’t remind your husband of the ex. He doesn’t want to hear that constant reminder of how he picked a crazy woman to be in his life. He made a major change when he married you. Make time for your husband. Make sure he feels loved and supported. The average man is not going to say honey I want to talk about how my ex makes me feels. The average man will try to block her out mentally. Sometimes we keep harping on the ex and they are trying to forget about it. We can drain our husbands also, make them feel worthless and they shut down. Make time for your husband, don’t argue with him about someone he can’t control and watch how things change. If you are Christian, check out the book Love Dare. Amazing book!! It’s a 40 day challenge to repair marriages. Don’t let this ex destroy you or your marriage. Take back your power because you have given it all to the ex that’s why she gets under your skin 13 years later.

  103. I have sadly maybe not dealt with things the best… I tried to encourage initially the kids to get that their are two sides.. however ive watched a malicious ex wife do everything she could to discredit my fiance even though he went through a bad time.. in almost 4 yrs weve caught up and got current on child support and paid in over 37k … however he doesn’t see the kids… they are alienated and she is seen as the perfect mother.. she also has the support by his sisters who come from a dysfunctional family and who haven’t spoken to their brother in well over 7 yrs.. none of them know what hes been through or care… he is not a criminal or does drugs or drinks yet they think he does thanks to the ex… they cant forgive him and sadly the kids constantly belittle and berate him.. I can only think they learned it somewhere.. but you know… they hate me too and have never met me and do not know me.. I merely helped get the child support up and going again and youd think shed appreciate that …she doesn’t.. they don’t… its hurtful to both of us.. and we just continue to do the right thing.. he deserves a relationship with his kids but it seems too late… we aren’t bad people – and sadly it doesn’t have to be this way —- im tying to find ways to let go and not let his toxic ex-wife consume us and our lives…

    1. It’s kind of hard to understand what exactly is happening. Is the ex really toxic or is she and the kids unforgiving of the past? You mention your fiancé went through some bad times and having been behind on child support at one time. It sounds like you are a great influence helping your fiancé meet his responsibilities but unfortunately there is still a long ways to go to repair relationships. Sometimes there’s just been too much damage done and the children aren’t willing to risk getting hurt again. Just a thought. I have older children that remember things their dad did and didn’t do and they have as little to do with their dad as possible. Our younger children are too young to remember the things he did and didn’t do but they are getting old enough to realize they can’t count on him and it’s starting to impact his relationship with them. Keep doing what you’re doing and understand that while you’re both doing the best you can, you may not be able to change things. However, if he really does want to change things with his kids, the best thing he can do is to talk to his kids, apologize for not meeting their needs or being there or whatever the case may have been, and letting them know that he’s doing everything he can to make sure it never happens again. He can ask them “what can I do to help our relationship?” It shows them that he is serious about wanting a positive relationship with them. If the ex is truly toxic, there’s not much you can really do but let her get caught in her own pathetic games. If she’s not really toxic, she’ll come around as she begins to trust you and your fiancé and that will come with seeing a positive relationship develop with the kids. Best wishes!

  104. Been reading all these posts and find them very interesting as I’ve recently found myself in a situation I never imagined I’d be in. I’m in a relationship (about 10 months now) with a fantastic man who has an evil ex. They have a court decreed maintenance and access plan that he follows very diligently, but she is constantly harassing him for more money; money that he does not have. I recently bought a house and he moved in with me. I then decided to go back to study full time and hence he is paying the monthly bills. I paid for the house and he pays the gas, electricity and recycling. She’s started being extremely nasty towards me – spreading rumours about me sponging off him, taking away from their kids and causing their kids to suffer. she has also sent him a few very nasty emails referring to be being financially dependent on him and hence intruding on the welfare of their kids. This is a woman who was let go from her job and now relies on social welfare and maintenance from my partner. I am also someone else’s ex wife and have absolutely no animosity towards my ex husband’s new partner so I just can’t understand this behaviour. It’s very upsetting and I’m tempted to lash out and set the record straight but my partner thinks ignoring her is more effective as the woman thrives on conflict and a reaction would only fuel her behaviour. Any advice, ladies? Should I fight or ignore? thanks.

    1. Ignore. Hold on tight girl cuz you’re in for quite a ride. If there’s time to rethink your decision, you still may want to run, despite the wonderful man he is, you will begin to resent him for bringing this horror into your life. She believes she has a right to your money in addition to all of your man’s. She will constantly spread horrible rumors about your honey not paying a dime of child support although he is obviously paying above and beyond. You are really in a no win situation and the best advice I can give you is to focus on your love of yourself and your man so that her games don’t hurt you or come between you and your man.

    2. Joan the best advise I can give you is ignore. Do not give in to her foolishness. Once you engage the fight is on. Let her say whatever she wants. Women don’t roll in the mud with pigs.

  105. hi there yes i remember you, you helped me a lot. im actually not messaging him at all on fb, he deleted me when he accused me of damaging his car and the kids started sending abusive messages. this new woman once sent him a message whilst we were together and i queried him on it, he told me she was friends with him and his x wife? hmmmm i know i shouldnt be looking at his fb page, i feel so rejected like whats this woman got that i don’t? why is his x allowing him to be with a new woman when she gave me and him so much grief. why did he tell me she wont allow him to be with anyone. maybe he ended is as i wanted a child and time was running out for me?

    1. Hi Lisa :)
      “i feel so rejected like whats this woman got that i don’t?”

      Answer: She has a very unstable man who has an anger problem along with an overly jealous and manipulative ex wife with control issues who may now be trying to “cover up” her bad behavior with this new person in her ex husband’s life. Many toxic women like this can “pretend” to be nice on the outside to save face from “looking” bad. But inside they are really seething. Sweetie, most likely, it will be only a matter of time with this new one too.

      Regardless though, you REALLY ought to concentrate on putting this behind you. :)

  106. So after 8 months of us being split up, when I thought we had split up cos of his evil x and crazy kids, I find out he was pretty much with someone else 6 weeks after and seeing her. I cannot believe this, he told me she wouldn’t let him be with anyone and then he had to fix his kids then straight into another relationship, whats wrong with me? this woman sent him a facebook message one night i queried him on it, he said it was a mother whose kids hung out with his, i was still very suss. I know the kids are friends but……i feel so rejected, why isn’t the x wife carrying on now about this one?

    1. Hiya Lisa,
      Remember me hon? The question I need to ask is why are you even looking at his FB page? The best thing you can do for yourself is to BLOCK him within your FB settings. That would help you in closure. This guy was just not meant to be… His ex wife wasn’t the only “toxic” one, so was he. I actually feel sorry for whoever this new woman is…and her kids! I wouldn’t be surprised if one day she also finds herself posting here!

      1. Adding on (sorry, I walk away from pc a lot) The only thing that is “wrong(?)” (I wouldn’t call it something “wrong”) with you is that you are finding it hard to gain strength to close this chapter and move on with your life.

        The first thing you ought to do is to fight the temptation to check up on him by looking at his FB page, etc. and the continuation of trying to keep some sort of contact with him. You really should stop that.

        I understand that everyone grieves in different ways. Break ups can be very hard.. And some grieve longer, where others, much shorter… You are one that grieves longer. And that’s ok… :) But in your case, you need to turn your
        “grief into relief”.

        1. And thank God that you didn’t marry the man!!! He was just a boyfriend, though as serious as the relationship was… he was just a boyfriend. Imagine if you did marry him and had to suffer years and years of this. From what you wrote before in months past, he sounded like those types of men that don’t ever support their new wives and allow their ex wives to torture them relentlessly. Then they basically turn their new wife into a housekeeper, baby sitter and scapegoat… So imagine that instead and consider yourself lucky.

  107. Hello everyone again..
    :( I had a bit of a set back in my situation. My hubby’s ex wife had called on our landline for a stupid reason even when warned not to by letter by my husband. In the past she liked to try to “mediate” phone calls between her adult sons and their father (1 is approaching 30 and the other is in his later 20’s and don’t live with us) She claimed that her son couldn’t get through to us and she called for him. A few moments later, he then “magically” was able to get through and called us on his own cel phone. Now mind you, she hasn’t done this in quite some time. Smells kinda funny, like she’s testing the waters or something and is up to her old tricks again. The distressing part is that my husband seemed to handle it in a similar way like before, without enforcing his own rule of her to stop harassing us with nonsense phone calls because she has no legitimate reason now that all legal bindings are over. It was just one call so far, but how many normal parents do you know that are divorced that “nonsense” call for their approaching-middle-aged- adult children that live on their own? And she had done this several times in the past before to stir up trouble.

    I am not sure how to handle this now. I’m thinking about breaking my own rule and interfering. I told him from now on let me handle her if she calls. I am not afraid to calmly tell her straight to her face that if this behavior continues, we will take legal action and file a “no contact” restraining order against her, period. And then enforcing it if she does again. With or without my husband. I live here too.
    Pray for me ladies… thanks! :)

    1. ADDING ON… For those of you that don’t know my situation and feel that I am over-reacting (read my prior posts), believe me, I’m not. This one call IS a cause for alarm. She pretty much did everything in her power to destroy whatever relationship left between her sons and their father. She is an evil, manipulative and envious woman. So I have good reason to be concerned.

  108. the above advice is a recipe for disaster and a road to being a doormat. You’re essentially saying to compliment, respect and make friends with a person (which is smart if you are dealing with a normal adjusted individual). For most women I’ve met, a well adjusted, kind ex-wife is the exception, not the rule. I would like some advice on how to deal with a toxic, manipulative, jealous, insane ex-wife who in return has manipulative, jealous, problematic children??? Being nice has not worked.

    1. You can’t reason with a crazy toxic, manipulative, ex-wife. Doesn’t matter how nice you are, they will only find a way to use it against you. The only way to deal with them is let them get caught in their own crazy sad game. I tried the be nice to her game for 4 years. I lifted her up in prayer. I spoke positively about her around her children even though she was trashing me. She constantly used it against me. They find this as weakness and continue their games as long as you continue to give them the power. Playing nice gives them the power. I knew from my husband’s kids comments that his ex was stalking my Facebook page and was always careful not to put something that might “set her off”. Well, after my husbands father died, she went too far. The family respectfully asked that she does not come for the funeral (because of drama she created at his mother’s funeral). She was told she could come to the visitation. She went over the line when she showed up anyways so I made a very general and polite FB post about divorce and funeral etiquette–how the ex family member should approach going to a funeral if they want to go which linked to an article. in all honesty, when my ex-husband’s grandmother passed away, I struggled with how to approach it and wished I had found the article sooner. My father in law had just passed away and of course she did not follow proper etiquette. My ex husband’s grandmother had recently died as well so she shouldn’t have assumed it was posted in reference to her. However, as expected, she did. She blew up. She started spouting nasty things to me and my husband on my FB page, instantly making herself look like the crazy fool she is. She got so worked up that she made comments making it clear that she was stalking me and my family, including my children from a prior marriage. I responded for her to listen good because I was only going to warn her once. Her “monitoring” activities were unwarranted, unwanted and illegal. I said “I don’t know why you are stalking me and my children but I’m telling you it better stop right now because I will take immediate legal action if it does not cease immediately. Remember, there are hundreds of Facebook friends and family that have witnessed your tirade admitting to your recent deplorable activities. We have no problem getting a restraining order if that’s necessary. If you have questions about this, DO NOT contact me DO NOT contact my husband, contact an attorney that can explain it to you. It has been the most blissful, peaceful 3 months since I met my husband. Don’t get me wrong, I know she won’t be able to stand staying away for much longer and will be back to harassing us but at least now I know enough not to sit back and smile as she punches me.

      1. Sarah & Nik- I DO believe that showing weakness can create something that a bitter ex-wife will feed on! Not being “aggressive” but making it clear that you WILL stand up for yourself is very important. (Assuming that all measures of maintaining a adult, positive, reasonable relationship have been exhausted) My husband’s ex wife caught to relocate to Florida where her new fiancee is from. After 3 years fighting over it, my husband agreed to her to let her move with very specific custody terms.
        My husband’s ex wife had moved on to a man that APPEARED to be “wonderful”. The ex stays in constant contact with my husband’s sister and others in the family – she continuously stated that that this man, was a great guy who was the best thing to ever happen to her(yes, she told my husband’s sister this!). This new guy was the VP of a company, making terrific money, driving an expensive car, never married, no children….but looking to be a great step parent. Spent lots of quality time with her & the kids- going expensive day trips and racing his car – having them record his races..they all apparently loved this stuff. She was saying he was much better than my husband ever was with her & their kids! (My husband rolled his eyes and didn’t seem to care about her statements. But I know when people push information like that- they’re usually lying.) She actually tried to say these things to me one time! I was astonished! I asked her, “do u realize who you’re talking to? Do hear the words coming from your mouth? You can’t pull this crap with me, I see the pay check deductions, I see the checks written to you for everything other than the required payments! Why would you even try to say this crap to me?” As time went on, we came to see that the new guy wasn’t so perfect. Needless to say, I have a connection that made it very clear that this man has been married 3x, 2 bankruptcies, 2 home foreclosures, 2 children carrying his name that he does not pay for any longer (still minors) and had a lawsuit against his place of employment of which he claimed false reasons for not attending work regularly. After finding out the my husband’s ex was telling his children: that he never wanted kids, doesn’t want to be a father, that he doesn’t give her money for them (all bold face lies of course!!) I decided to let her in on our findings. She argued to he ends of the Earth that it was not our business, wasn’t true, declined to admit all of her lies, refused to admit that she said any of the awful things to their children and she intentionally screwed up our Christmas visition of 1.5 weeks; we came to the conclusion that she is a compulsive liar that is hiding more than her (now) fiancées past. With further investigation we found a domestic violence arrest. We confronted her on it (worried about the children of course!!) and she denied it. All of it. We pushed and she admitted it happened but it occurred between the fiancee and his brother- she and the kids were not involved. Again, after further investigation, it was found – IN THE POLICE REPORT- that it was her & him! Confronted once again… She lied about it. Lied again??? Yes, she lied again.
        The kids often state they love their mother but they need a break from her. They love her and feel safe with her, but she says things about daddy that they know aren’t true & things that they aren’t sure if they’re true or not. (Awfully sad!!!) They feel bad for her because she has no friends and because she’s a good mom, but they realize she hides certain things. They beg us to not let her know that they’ve confided certain things in us, because they’ve been told “what happens at Mommys house stays at mommys house” and “Our business (mommy, the fiancee and the kids) is our business- not daddy’s”.
        There is no reasoning with liars and deceitful people. The unstable and eternally bitter will never change. Pray, stand up for yourself and try to rise above. That’s all there is. Period.

    2. I agree with you 100%!!
      I am a former wife and my former husband has a new lady in his life.
      I have zero desires to meet her. I don’t see the point, as long as my babes come home with a smile on their faces after they visit their father. Which they do .
      I see no reason to infringe on that and make someone else uncomfortable. It makes me sad to read about the inferno that all you ladies are going through. I guess some ladies just don’t see the damage they can cause in the lives of their children! A happy father = happy children.
      We divorced because we weren’t happy. I’m very pleased to see my former spouse happy now.
      The purpose of my response is to let all you wonderful ladies know that not all ” ex- wives” are trolls. Also that I agree that befriending one could be recipe for disaster . I don’t foresee disaster if my former husbands SO ever wanted to meet me, but I would like to keep her faceless. From what I hear from my children, she is a lovely person. That’s all I need to hear to be content about the situation .

      1. Emzie, thanks for posting that comment. I’ve been reading these off and on because I am in a situation where my husband’s ex is pushing for the three of us to sit down and talk to set boundaries and expectations. Well, she and I do not get along and do not see eye to eye. I wish she was more like you and understood that I don’t need to have any conversations with her. I would, but if I don’t do, act and dress as she tells me to, we will continuously have the same problem. I am her polar opposite and I wouldn’t change for anyone, least of all her. The kids like me and we have a great time while they’re with their dad and me and I think that should be enough. She’s always using her daughter (or trying to) as leverage to get my husband to bow down to her every command and it’s honestly infuriating. It is nice to know that there are some women out there that will live and let live. I never had a problem with my ex-husband’s new wife. I was happy he was finally happy. I’m not friends with her, but I don’t dislike her at all. She’s good to my son and that’s all that has ever mattered to me. We have the kids every other weekend. I only hope that I can instill some humbleness in her to combat the egotistical holier than tho attitude of her mother. I don’t and will not say one bad thing about her mom to her or around her. She’ll figure that out on her own. I hope that doesn’t happen. I hope her mother sees what she’s doing to her daughter and changes her attitude. Although, I don’t see that happening because she’s a control freak and I’m a loose cannon. She doesn’t know what to do about me. Until she gets it through her head that I’m really a good person and only want the best for my step-kids….I don’t see this conflict ending.

    3. Exactly! The wife must make it clear to the ex-wife that she is not a door mat and that her manipulation won’t work. The kids need to learn as well. When the mom is not sane and well adjusted; the kids aren’t either. There is no like or love for the kids and no positive compliments for the mother; hence no reason for lunch or talking. This is the real world. Exes need to know there place. I’m an ex and I know mine. My son’s stepmother loves me! I don’t interfere and I respect the relationship she has with my son. She doesn’t have any problems from me. My husband’s ex is a NIGHTMARE. She’s a cheater, liar, manipulator, crybaby, fake, spoiled and unattractive moron. She’s also a terrible mother. Her kids are rude, mannerless, spoiled, violent, mean, evil, dirty, unhygienic, disrespectful, unintelligible brats.

      1. It’s really sad what they turn their kids into. They see what their mother is like and have a choice whether to be like her or rise above. My stepdaughters claimed for years they wouldn’t ever be like their mother. Now they are just like her. My stepsons, thank God, see right through her and can’t stand her. I made the mistake in thinking I could have a relationship with these already very damaged children. The girls used me and abused me. They stole from me. They lied to me and about me. Now I know that the best thing to do in these situations is focus on loving their dad and if they are a normal child, the relationship will develop naturally from there as mine has with his sons.

  109. I’ve been posting on and off here for quite some time, mostly to try help out those going through this situation. Briefly I’ll repeat my situation: My husband’s ex wife cheated during her prior marriage to him, was the one who initiated the divorce, had two children (adults) and I married into it a year later. She was and is an extremely insecure, envious and manipulative woman. She intimidated her ex husband (my husband), manipulated her children, undermined me for almost 7 years and harassed us with threats, calls about nonsense and set his children against us. But now all legal bindings between my husband and her are now over. (7 year obligation of alimony is over and the children are adults and don’t live with us, therefore no child support) Because the legal bindings are over and she has no more valid excuses, my husband informed her by letter to leave us alone or else.

    Now it’s been several months and so far all is quiet on the home front. I’ve come towards the wanting to now put this whole mess behind me and move on with our lives and that may mean less postings here and elsewhere, so, I’ve come up with sort of a plan for some of you that is more direct to try to help:

    For starters, if you are dating a man and it hasn’t become serious (and if it has, you may seriously want to reconsider) who has an ex wife that exhibits these behaviors, or when asked about his ex wife, is told that she was and is an overly jealous woman…. STOP! Seriously stop! You don’t want this mess, you don’t!

    If you are married already it is probably best to let your husband handle his ex wife in almost all matters. This can be extremely difficult when he doesn’t take appropriate action in standing against her to protect his children and his new marriage. If that’s the case, go to a counselor, seek therapy, see a pastor ANYTHING to try to get help for him to do this. If you take the reigns, that could lead to far worse things! His ex wife looks at you as though YOU were the one that took away HER “property” (her ex husband). And you may get tangled into something that you may far regret later. So don’t give her any ammo to attack you back with, no matter how subtle. If you must respond, respond back with a stance that is not exhibiting any kind of emotional anguish or drama. (They like to stir you up and make you crazy) Be calm, mature, straightforward, logical and sensible. Sort of like a trainer at a job speaks to a new trainee.

    When it comes to minor step children: Don’t badmouth or exhibit negativity about their mother in front of them. Be a shining example of a good step mom. If behavior becomes a problem because of their mother influencing them, reasonably discipline them without bringing the mother’s name up. If they say something that is not true, correct them by saying “No, sweetie, that is not true”, etc. Or have their father conduct much of the discipline.

    If the children are adults and their behavior towards their father and/or you is disrespectful, especially if they live with you.. then it’s time for the father to take the appropriate action by telling them to leave. Your house is supposed to be a safe and secure haven, not an insane asylum.

    When all legal bindings are gone like in my situation, your husband should cut off all communication from the ex wife.

    Hope this helps… :)
    Marie L.

  110. Thanks this fantastic article. The ex-wife is as negative as an electron cloud with a equal size ( if a single atom was 120lbs and 5’5). Her idea of managing her child is to run up bills and surprise us with them. Along with a notice, pay it or your a bad dad who spends all his money on his new family. I’m a child of one of those type of dead-beat dads and wouldn’t tolerate it. (Heck we couldn’t find my dad to send a bill too — and he was rich)
    The ex-wife is oblivious to the fact she left the home, took more that 50% of assets, collected alimony, collected 20% over the legal max of child support, the son’s medical/dental/vision, forced her name as the life insurance beneficiary until the child was 21, took part of his pension, and had college payments written into agreement . All this happened because my husband was obliviously to the surprise divorce and didn’t get his own lawyer. Six months after the divorce he asked me out; and 6months after that we were married. I am degreed (she’s not); and I have worked most of my life. After we were married, low and behold, he was not forever broke and the consequences her plan for is mass destruction were diluted.

    She followed this up with telling his Catholic family was the cause of their demise. When I assure you had I been around before the divorce; this insane divorce decree would have never been signed. 15yrs later his long-distance family is more assured that I was not problem in their marriage.

    Then I had children and stopped work while the babies were small. At this point my step-son was flunking high school. We got him through an online diploma. But now we were being bombarded with paying of his college work which he couldn’t complete. After several failed college and vocational attempts, we quit paying for things. Now he lives with mom, and she is constantly sending us his bills. He has a chronic non-dibilating health condition; so we carry his health insurance. So what does she do? She cosigns a bunch of unsecured credit for the young man. Next, the ignores the past due bills, and now it’s our pile marked … “pay if you love your son”.

    I am sorry he is having all these problems. But back when he was a kid, I suggested throwing down the gauntlet until grades improved. Instead, they bought he nice Ford Explorer. (WT?) We have small kids, my husband needs to recover his retirement, I need to plan for my kids college, and my step son needs to grow up and escape this manipulative person who is turning him into the same.

    The sad thing is the ex-wife keeps this kid in a co-dependent state to avoid facing her own life. She is always playing the victim and seems to take pleasure in extorting money from my husband by threatening parent / child relationship between father and son ; as alienating me.

    Sorry for the typos or grammatical; and the angry in my note. There is no where to vent. If you vent to your hubby; you add to his problems. If you vent to your friends; you wear them out. If you keep to yourself ; you eat a pound of chocolate. … So thanks for your site and your prayers.
    I release from this anger to God and other women in prayer.

    1. My hubby’s ex is much the same. She’s constantly trying to create a disabling health condition for one of the kids, taking them doctor to doctor until she can con one into saying what she wants. she ises them to get more money out of us and public health services designed for people that actually do have disabling conditions with needs. It amazes me how much these women extort from their ex and they believe they are entitled! My husband’s ex-wife’s husband got fired from his job and low and behold that’s OUR fault because we don’t pay them enough to live without having to work. Unbelievable! Now that her daughters are older, she’s turned them into her little mini mes. I have done so much for them and paid so much if my own money to buy them things they needed and wanted because their mother wouldn’t. The money goes to pay for what she wants, not to meet their needs, we’re expected to take care of that on top of the child support. We get medical bill after medical bill because she lists my hubby as the guarantor even though the divorce decree clearly states otherwise. His daughters are constantly calling for money for this or that. They only call when they want something otherwise they treat us like crap. Their dad is a great dad but because we have rules at our house, we are the awful ones. They are incredibly jealous of my children that have developed a relationship with their dad because they treat him with respect and have taken advantage of the opportunity to have the love of full time dad in their lives. My kids treat him way better than his own kids do. Then we have 1 child together. Several months ago he told me he was done with the girls. They had done the unimaginable and lied in a court hearing about an incident where his son’s stepfather had assaulted him. Their mother convinced them to lie to protect her husband. They told lies about their brother and their dad, my hubby. Their brother was crushed. The protective order was thrown out. My hubby was devastated and decided he wasn’t going to let them use and abuse him anymore. Well, now, he’s letting them come around a little again and it’s causing some tension between us. I just can’t stand to see him hurt by those bitches! I’m sure I sound awful but if people knew half the things they’ve done to this wonderful man, they’d get it. They don’t deserve such an incredible dad. They treat him like trash. :(. Thanks for letting me vent.

  111. Hi, I read your blog. I have tried all those suggestions already. The ex-wife could really care less. It’s been 8 years since my husband and I met, dated, and married. The ex-wife remarried about a year and a half ago. The only thing that has changed is that she puts a charade in front of her new husband and her parents in acting nice and friendly, albeit very intrusive (taking pictures of me, etc.) but when it comes to me emailing or texting her about school-related events or subjects relevant to the kid’s well-being, she absolutely refuses to communicate or is rude and pushes unnecessary “power plays.” The two-faced conduct was amusing at first, but it’s becoming manipulative. She turns it into arguments for these other people, my stepdaughter included, that she’s the good guy and because I’m keeping my polite aloofness, I’m the “problem.” What suggestions do you have for a person like that?

    1. Mia- the only thing left to do is to shine a blaring light on her behavior. Then wash your hands of communication with her. Simply stop. If communication is necessary, make your husband do it. I am to the point of wanting to punch my husband’s ex right in her throat… She’s a horrible liar and very manipulative. I shined a light on her lies and blasted it to my husband’s family. (Of course, some still feel as though “she lies to hide her imperfect life, she’s actually a very sad, lonely person”). Blllllttthhhh

      1. Amy….I am with you. In fact, I’ve often used that very phrase. I would love to punch that b in the throat. However….I happen to love her kids and their father so I won’t. But I would very much like to. I have stopped all communication. I even blocked her number so she can’t text me. We’ve had several arguments via text and yelling matches over the phone. I can’t do a thing right. I’m rude, I have tattoos, I have piercings, I am the opposite of a good example for her daughter. I am real, I’m not a snob and I’m a caring person. I just can’t stand her mother. Sorry about it. Our personalities clash like the Titans. Why do I need to break bread with this woman? Why can’t I just get to know the kids when they are with us and treat them as if they were my own and all is happy? Why is this a problem? Why do we need “boundaries”? Is she afraid I’m going to teach her daughter to have a mind of her own? To think for herself and make her own decisions in life? God forbid.

  112. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hi Jenn,

    It sounds like it’s been a long and difficult relationship with your husband’s ex-wife! I can only imagine how frustrating to have her affect so many different parts of your life – online, home decorating, relationship with your son, etc.

    Have you talked to a family conflict mediator or counselor? It seems to me that you need more in-depth help than a website can offer! Your husband’s ex-wife seems to be impossible to please or placate — and a mediator or counselor might be able to give you strategies for dealing with her.

    It’s important to remember that she’ll never change. You can’t do anything to make her easier to handle, because she is the way she is. You can only change your expectations. It’s sad and disappointing, but it’s reality.

    I wish you all the best as you try to figure out what to do when your husband’s ex-wife keeps getting involved in your life and causing problems. May you find peace — if not with her, then in your home, in your marriage, and in your relationship with your son. May you find joy, emotional and spiritual health, and hope for a future of calm seas and blue skies!


  113. I am at a point I have no idea how to deal with my husbands ex-wife. I have been polite for almost 8 years, I rarely let her get to me, but no matter how I handle her she only escalates. She is remarried (long before us), she still text &/or calls 300-400 times per month (no exaggeration I started an excel sheet for out phone Bill in case we have to go to court). Any boundaries we have set, she eventually brings back around to her way. Our son lives 1 week with us & 1 @ his home with her; we had done a Monday exchange – it was hectic on a school/work day & my son changes on Sunday (same set-up), so to make it easier on everyone, especially my stepson that hates the change day & is miserable we change to Sunday’s 2 years ago. His grades have gotten better finally this year, he no longer misses school excessively (always on her week normally on Mondays). But now she insisted on changing back to Monday’s bc she wants to enjoy her day off from her new job & spend it with him, but it causes chaos & expense for us. We do not live in the school district, my older son drives them to school, the extra day means we have to drive him, my husband goes in late for work & leaves early on that day to get him to/from school. If I do not have customers then I pick him up but it is 40 miles round-trip in gas. The extra day means we give him lunch money for both weeks. All to accommodate her, not what is best for him. The most recent situation happene this past week; I had no idea the awful pink walls in out livingroom were her decor choice when they moved here. I had always joked with my husband about being color blind picking this color; after we married his ex-wife was picking up our son & I said I couldn’t wait to paint, she remarked “You don’t like my pink walls” – that’s when I found out it was her decor not his. I have waited 4 years since then to paint, I started the entire house redecorating project last month, posting pics & having fun with it. The house has not been painted in more than 10 years, so all the walls were damaged, it’s lots of repair work & I am going area by area, having fun, joking to keep it from being an overwhelming chore. I posted a pic of a pepto bottle next to the wall saying “goodbye pepto pink”; this is a joke with my husband, out 4 children (2 are grown & live away so we keep in touch via fb often), & my friends who I have joked with only mentioning my husband being color blind (never would I mention his ex-wife). She went crazy, famiy/friends who left positive comments she personally attacked in my page, they ended up putting her in her place, which only made it worse. As soon as I become aware of the situation I deleted it all, posted a public apology to her. This made it worse, she showed all of it to our son, now he is mad at us for others attacking her bc she has manipulated the situation. This behavior never stops with her, when she was asked to knock before she entered our home it caused a huge blow-up & she escalated to entering out home when we were not there. Each situation whatever boundaries we set she escalates to worse. I have lost it with her twice, I didn’t call her ugly names, just was loud & told her to mind her own home, she couldn’t tell us what to do & she was not welcomed. Unfortunately this was in the presence of our son, it does not matter if each situation was in defense of issues she started by fussing at me, my son only sees it as me attacking his mom & hates me for it. I want to fix all of it, but I have no clue how to, any apology or attempt to make peace has always been met with equal peace but it is her “in” for master manipulation; it validates her crazy rants & further proves to our son her behavior is not only accepted but right & we are admitting we are wrong. I want to make his life better without inviting her crazy behavior into our lives & I am clueless after 8 years of dealing with this – any advise?

    1. Jenn- she is always the victim, right? I say then make her the victim. Screw it. You’re going to have to defend yourself anyway! Tell her like it is, and she makes everything lie you’re attacking her, right? Then own it. Tell her you’re sick of her crap and stay out of your home, your life and off of your FB/Instagram/Twitter and she won’t have any trouble with you anymore. “When someone hates you fit no reason… Give them reason”. I’m so tired of these whining, lying ex wives.
      My husbands ex bad mouthed him for years – till I stepped in and straightened them out. I provided written proof that she lies & even makes their kids lie on her behalf. Now no one trusts a damn thing that comes out of her mouth. I say, “bring it B”

    2. Hi Jenn,
      I understand totally and can say “been there and done that” going onto 7 years. Even though my husband’s ex wife had affairs and was the one that initiated their divorce, it didn’t stop her from turning into a toxic waste dump lunatic. That is so common in cases like this.

      In my situation as described in my previous posted answers here, gratefully, my nightmare has come pretty much to an end. In my case my husband’s children are grown adults and there is no longer any legal binding between my husband and his ex wife. No child support or alimony payments, etc. Therefore in a legal sense, she can no longer harass us, call us with nonsense , threaten us or come on our property or we will take the necessary actions against her and she knows it. Before this happened and while my husband was still fulfilling the 7 year alimony obligation (which is now over) she fell into that same typical form of the crazy toxic wife that so many seem to share the same characteristics.

      During that time and the way I dealt with it (as a reaction towards her) was not interfering and letting my husband handle most of her wrath, after all, it is HIS ex wife per say (my husband and I did argue though about him not taking enough of a stand against her, but privately) Try to remember toxic women do these things to “stir” you up to get a reaction and in turn, any kind of reaction from you she will use as ammo against you . My advice is to try to never give her any ammo.

      I also strongly suggest that you don’t react in any negative way in front of her son in regards to his mother. I know this can be extremely difficult because my husband’s adult children were also very much influenced and manipulated and still are, by their mother and their behavior towards their father and myself have much to be desired because of it. They have very little respect. For me, though it may be a bit easier because they are adults and neither of them live with us. I find that when they do visit and bring up their mother into conversation, I don’t add to it, I just nod politely and wait for the subject to change. In your case it sounds like the son is still a minor and that makes it more difficult, especially when it comes to discipline and boundaries. Just try to keep in mind the golden rule of never badmouthing his mother in front of him and being a good example of a nurturing step mom. In time when he grows older he may see for himself what his mom really is. And if not, at least your nurturing, positive behaviors will speak for themselves, therefore again, there will be no “ammo”. Otherwise, if you let your frustrations get the best of you, you’ll be stooping to almost the same level as she is.

      As far as how long you’ll need to deal with this.. that’s hard to say. Women who behave this way just never seem to stop all together, even when their children are grown adults, they are still manipulating them. You didn’t mention how old the son was, but you might be reassured, as in my case, that when there is no longer any legal obligation between your husband and his ex wife (no child support and the children are grown up and living on their own, no alimony, etc) and your husband puts it very clear towards her to leave you both alone (or else), that’s when you may be able to finally take a deep breath and exhale out. The worst should be over.

      1. ADDING ON: TO Amy, I do respect your answer to Jenn and I am happy that it worked somewhat for you by taking a stance. :) But I find that sometimes fighting a fire with more fire can cause an explosion far too worse to be easily put out without causing permanent damage, especially towards the children that are involved. I am not saying that one should just become a doormat, but to bade their time to act and to keep in mind how their actions may affect the children. Personally, I feel the husbands should take the stand more against their ex wives and in the end despite what the ex wife does, we should try very hard to not interfere in that sense. Though I know how frustrating it can be when the husband doesn’t totally fulfill that obligation whether out of intimidation or fear of the ex wife. Even so, somebody has to keep a mature, constant, sensible and stable frame of mind in this situation.

        1. In addition (for Jenn :))
          Noticed that you mentioned that you are tired of being “polite”. I know what you mean. At the beginning I too felt that by trying to be polite in combat towards her behavior seemed phony to me. Also, her eldest was living with us at the beginning for a time (he was an adult going to college) and even though he was there at the time when his mother was cheating on his father and was very upset about it and actually stood up for his father at that time, but after their divorce and when I came along, that attitude changed quickly when his mother placed her lying, evil, manipulative ways upon him and twisted his mind,. In turn, he turned bitter, cynical and resentful towards US. If it surprises you that a grown man can actually be brainwashed in that way, don’t be surprised. Remember, that kind of manipulation by her didn’t start after the divorce, but was throughout her prior marriage to your husband along with her way of raising of the children. The children are influenced by her to worship her regardless of what she does. So she ALWAYS had that evil, manipulating power over her children even when they were little.

          Going back to her eldest, well, after he was brainwashed, he was living with us and his attitude changed influenced by his mother. At that time I was a newly married and wanting to so much for his adult children to like me that I virtually overlooked every single bad behavior because of that want. We both (his father and I) received little or no respect as a response. That was in addition to the rantings of my husband’s ex wife from the outside.

          So being falsely “polite” does not work as a combat. They also will probably take advantage of it. But you don’t have to be polite to be civil. As the years went by and the son moved out (was actually and finally told to leave by my husband because of his behavior) I’ve found that dealing with people like this is much better met with more of a judicial response. If you have ever watched the old “Star Trek” shows with “Mr. Spock” ? Sort of like an logical, unemotional stance with no sign of drama. Since that type of “no-drama” attitude is so foreign to them, they don’t know how to respond to it without feeling uncomfortable about it.

          Hope that can help you if you try it. :)

          1. Marie, this is the advice that may actually work in my situation. I’ve never in my life met someone like my husband’s ex and I think your advice to be “Spock-like” is the best I’ve heard. Of course, I’ll have to practice a bit since I have no filter and wear my every emotion on my sleeve. Thank you for it though. I will definitely give it a shot.

          2. You’re welcome Silver.. :) Holding hat kind of attitude does get easier over time. Hoping for you the best of luck.. :)

        2. Calling and emailing at all times is a boundary issue. My husbands ex used to do this, we sought counseling and the next time she sent me an inappropriate email I responded via my attorney who said that all email and text messages will be construed as harassment and unless she want to face me in court and explain her behavior, she should stop. That put an end to all the crazy behavior and now the only communication is through attorneys unless there is a giant emergency and its email or text.

    3. I can’t believe this has gone on for so many years for you! It’s only been two for me….and only one married. There are two step kids and no relief. It’s so frustrating and all I want is for her to leave me out of her crazy drama!!! I just want a happy life with my husband and for the kids to respect me. I love them both and I have no desire to fight with their mother or to take over for her. Only to be a good step-mom.
      I’m going by an alias because this crazy evil queen of darkness likes to stalk me

  114. I am so sick of my husbands ex that every time she calls him I have panic attacks. It started out ugly. She cheated on him and tried to come back when she found out he was dating me. She made our relationship hell. I literally beat her ass because she came at me like a crazy loon accusing me of things I didn’t do and I had to defend myself. She thought she was big and bad until her face met that pavement… BUT anyway. She tries to be sneaky. When we first got together she said let’s still have sex but not tell your new girl… So I don’t trust her and never will. He gives her money when she asks. He supports her bad habits… Drugs etc. We have all their kids full time. She has no custody rights. She lives in some fantasy world that he still wants her and she could have him whenever she wants… She is so delusional. When he gives her money it is out of pity but I don’t like it when he tries to hide it or does it when I say don’t…and we have the kids…. He sent her inappropriate texts ranting to her about not liking me and how I was only good for sex and deleted the messages so I won’t ever really know the extent of what they said. I told him just because he is mad at me he shouldn’t talk poorly of me in that way…. He Denys it… But I have caught him in the past saying disgusting things about me. He claims to love me. He claims he won’t do things to upset me, but he just tells me what he thinks I want to hear. His ex calls to talk about money or her life before she asks about the kids… It makes me sick. She has the spirit of evil with her… I’ve tried the “nice” thing but it gets me nothing but more drama drama drama…. She just thrives on drama

    1. Dear Anonymous,
      PLEASE stop turning a blind eye to the very bad actions of your husband. No man who loves & respects (they go together… Always!) would ever say awful disgusting things about their lady/wife. Period. There is no true love or respect in those actions. You are worth far more than what that man has belittled you down to. you could have peace with the ex, but not while he still cares for her! And that’s where this is all deriving from. Do you maybe agree?

  115. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you for being here, and sharing how it feels when you’re husband’s ex-wife is causing problems in your relationship. Toxic ex-wives are difficult on new marriages, especially when children are involved. Husbands and other family members often feel caught in the middle, which adds to the stress for everyone.

    My prayer for all women who are dealing with difficult ex-wives is for patience and peace. May you find wisdom to say the right things, do the right things, and live in peace with ex-wives who aren’t making life easy. May you see what things you can change to make your relationship with your husband’s ex-wife better, and may you let go of the things you can’t change. If your marriage is getting complicated and difficult – which is bound to happen – I pray for strong communication, peaceful assertiveness, and a healthy emotional connection that allows you to work things through with your husband. May you and your husband join together and rise above all the problems in your marriage – and may you find the right resources, books, counselors, or whatever you need to save your marriage and restore your relationships. Amen.


    1. After 14+ years of the nightmare he calls his ex wife, I am at the end of my rope.
      His family has a philosophy of forgive and forget the past. Which is all good and well, but they have their own unique definition of how that works. For example, ex wife sends a hate filler text message to me, calling me filthy names, etc. I become upset and would like this behavior to stop, I’m told I should just forgive and forget and move on. How simple. Except the ex wife doesn’t want forgiven, she wants to continue her behavior. So the philosophy is more like, forgive, forget…until next time.
      I’ve left put the part where my husband justified his ex wife’s behavior by becoming angry at me and saying that I certainly must have done something to make her act in such a manner, he says people don’t just lash out like that without provocation. Interesting, so if that is true, what was my provocation to create a problem with his ex? Why does he defend her and attack me? This has gone on many times and he always thinks that I’ve created the issues. I don’t. I want nothing to do with that woman, she makes me a nervous wreck. I’ve never experienced anyone so filled with hate for me in my entire life. And for no reason. Their children were older teens when we met. They never lived with us nor had visitation with us. That was just status quo before I was even in the picture. The 30 and 31 year old “children” live in other states now, thousands of miles away. Yet I still receive emails from his ex telling me to stay away from her children. Weird. I don’t communicate with her children, or her. I avoid them at all costs. Who would want this drama and hatred in their lives by choice? Last email I Received was just this past Christmas. I don’t respond to her email or text messages. Which I think makes her more vengeful. If she wants her husband back, trust me, I’d pack him up and ship him off to her in a heartbeat.
      Did I mention that she lives 65 miles away and has been married for ten years to another man”. She lives in a nice house on a golf course, doesn’t really work and has no financial worries? So why is she doing this to me?
      She is also friends with my mother in law and sister in law. Active friends. Needless to say, the mother in law doesn’t think kindly of me either. I know I sound exceedingly innocent in my statements, but I honestly didn’t create this with any of them. I have had mean words with my mother in law via text and email. But she’s been equally as mean with her messages. Same with the adult step daughter. Of course that is all my fault. If my husband had become involved in repairing these relationships I probably never would have had mean words with them. I just get frustrated hearing gossip and lies about me that come from the ex and the step daughter and I had no support from husband. I lost it and responded negatively. However, I never communicated with his ex. That woman is scary psycho and I’m not certain where her stopping point is, I wouldn’t be surprised to find her outside my office one day, or my house. I’ve known no one who acts like her.
      The thing in my marriage that bothers me most happened about seven years ago. I know, why am I still upset about something that happened way back then, I guess I don’t know for sure why, here is what happened. I came home from work and didn’t know where in the house my husband was. I hear talking from the back office room, apparently he’s on the phone. I opened the door a bit just to let him know I was home and he reacted by snapping at me to get out he was on a phone call. Wow. That was so not like him. I knew the caller had heard him yelling at me, I was so confused. Twenty minutes later he gets off the phone and begins screeching at me. He tells me that I have ostracized him from his family, his whole family hates him because of me his kids hate him because of me and so on. He is pushing me into the walls as he is screaming, I was a mess. I put my coat on to leave to escape the situation. He ripped my coat, took my car keys, pretended to break my cell phone. I was hysterical. I finally made it put the door, waited a bit, then snuck in and got his car keys and took off. I didn’t come back until I knew he was gone to work for the night.
      And yes, it was his ex wife on the phone. She told him all of those things about me. They spoke for over 30 minutes total. What kind of husband allows anyone to bad mouth his wife like that? Let alone his ex wife! To this day I have never understood why that ever happened.
      He’s never shown remorse or apologized. He’s never explained why that call even occurred. We’ve been through counseling three times, but he is closed off and not honest with the counselor so it is worthless to go any longer.
      His an is getting married son, in another state. He wants me to go to the wedding. I can’t. I can’t be around the ex who has told me to stay away from her children, just three months ago being the last threat. She has threatened to press charges of harassment against me if I go near her daughter, although there are no grounds for her to do that. His kids don’t like me. His son told him in an email last summer that family is first and my husband should “kick me to the curb” so they can have a relationship.
      Their relationship problems existed long before me. Both his kids will come to the state we live in and not have time to see their dad, they admit that they are too busy with their friends when they are here. They have no time to visit him, their words. But then blame me for lack of relationship.
      My husband is. It on my side when it comes to his kids and ex wife. He will throw me under the bus in two seconds if it appeases them. It’s happened many times in the past. I’ve been excluded from holiday dinners with his kids at my mother in laws house more than a few times. I sat put and said nothing because I wanted to keep peace.
      Now this wedding? I don’t want to travel a thousand miles to be around people who hate me, be with a husband who will turn on me as proven in the past. I can’t win,
      Now his sons fiancé has even emailed me to tell me how bad of a wife I am for. It wanting to attend the wedding, seriously I thought it would be better to not have drama on her special day. I don’t trust his ex and think it would be likely she’d create a problem. She hates me from 65 miles away when I do nothing to her, imagine what she will do in the same room as me. Especially since she wants me to stay away from her kids. Surely the last place she wants to see me is at her sons wedding.
      I can’t win.
      Thanks for letting me vent. I’ll probably be writing my next post from the insane asylum. That’s where this is pushing me….right over the edge!
      I just want a quiet, drama free life. Life is hard enough without people doing this crap Who wants this? Not me.

      1. Dear Anonymous,

        He is not worth it – you are such a nice woman – let him go back to her – then maybe he will come to his senses!

      2. I HAD to repeat again:
        I am not one that jumps to the “D” word (Divorce), mostly because I am one that honestly feels that marriage is a covenant, for better or worse. And to Laurie,, I too am a practicing Christian… :) BUT, Laurie, there is such a horrible thing as severe emotional abuse. I had fellowship with a woman who was in a similar situation and endured it for years and years with a man who clearly did not show any real love towards her, that is when it came to the part of “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church”. This man too had an adulterous, evil ex wife who terrorized her and her husband LET her do it. Then actually stood up for the ex wife, along with the “posse” gathering of children, friends and family against her. This can be construed as emotional “abandonment” and borderline “adultery” (not so much in the physical sense, but the emotional sense) some husbands conduct towards their new wives. Two areas of scripture that does allow divorce in such matters for the sake of peace for the victim, a child of God.

        Going back to my friend, she underwent years of emotional torture at the hand of her husband’s allowance only to be led by the Spirit to strengthen herself by faith and grace, to finally leave him. During this time, she struggled enormously with the concept of divorce, but within her prayer, the Spirit of Jesus gave her words of wisdom. This is what He told her: “Yes, I hate divorce, but I hate abuse more”.

        1. I must agree. Getting divorced should be the last resort. But being able to live out your life in a quality, happy and fulfilling way is so very important! If your main source of stress and unhappiness is your husband’s ex wife… And he does not support you and back you up… Your world will never change. So change it yourself.
          Prayer and friends can be a step toward mental salvation. I suggest telling your husband that you must have his full support or you will have to end the marriage. If he says anything other than “Absolutely, I will from this point forward…” You are lucky… If he does not say that, look for an attorney and a friend! Xox

  116. I have been with my fiance for 5 years now. I not only have to deal with problems from the ex wife but my mother in law too. In the beginning me and his mom got along great and she always talk about how she disliked the ex wife calling her a bad mother (she has had child protection called on her a number of times and it’s not far from the truth) I have always try to have a good relationship with the ex wife. I always wanted her to feel like I was someone she could trust with her son. I started dating my fiance when his little boy was 4 they divorced when he was 1. The ex wife would call me all the time to keep her son. sometimes there would be a week go by without her calling, I would text and call so she could talk to him and she wouldn’t say anything. My fiance works away so he is not home often. I always loved having his son at my house. When she would call to get him she would scream at me and tell me to stop trying to be his mother and that she is his mother and I will never take her. place. I would always politely tell her I’m not trying to take her place, I know I’m not his mother I’m just trying to be a good step mom and help her as much as she needs. (since my fiance is gone so much!) 3 years ago we decided to have a baby. When we finally found out we were pregnant she called my fiance crying and saying that she did not trust me to be with her son and that I was not allowed to be around anymore. she went as far as calling me and telling me that me and my child needed to go away and leave her family alone. keep in mind that she is remarried and has two kids by the other husband. Everytime we take a step forward in our relationship she called saying this. Her husband has called my fiance upset about it saying he knows she only does that because she’s jealous of me and that she still cares for him. My fiance always blows it off and every now and then tells her she needs to stop. A week before I had my baby we went to drop off his son at her house. she came out to the car screaming and yelling as in my car door and started punching my stomach while I was still buckled in the car. turns out she got child protection called on her and she accuse me of calling. I did not call. I finally able to close my door my fiancee pulled out. After that time and after dealing with it for so long I told him that for now on I was not going to deal with her. He agreed. we were scared for what she would do to our daughter. so I no longer get to keep his son while he’s gone. and when he is Home he is the one that goes and picks him up and drops him off. In the beginning his son will call me upset because he wanted to see me. I would all is gone see him at my mother in laws house or my mother in law would bring him to me for a visit. I never wanted to stop seeing him I just didn’t want the ex wife around my daughter. That last a a few months. At first I would call to visit and they would always make up excuses. Now even when he comes when his dads home he has an attitude with me and tells me I’m not his real mom. he had never said that before. He even says that my daughter is not his real sister. My fiance never stands up for me or says that’s not right. Even in the beginning when she would say things about me he never said anything he would just say I’m sorry. He said he feels like there’s nothing he could do. I feel like he could say something. The ex wife’s husband has even taken up for me. telling her she needs to respect me like my fiance respects him. Now my mother in law and the ex wife get along. I’m mother in law has even told me time she has taken the other two kids to her house or to the zoo many of times. she even cuts the other little boys hair not just my fiance’s sons. My fiance’s mom never calls anymore and never ask to see my daughter. And now its like both of them are teaming up against me. I have even called her at times to see if she could watch her for an hour and she ends up talking about the ex wife and her kids and doesn’t give me a chance to ask. my daughter has even cried to go with her when she comes to get my fiances little boy. My mother in law ignored my daughter. The ex wife still continues to text my fiance wanting him back and telling him if we ever break up to think of her. she still tells me to leave her family alone and that me and my daughter just need to go away. it seems like no one is on my side anymore and it’s getting closer to our wedding. everytime I think about planning the wedding I cry and I just don’t know if I can do this for the rest of my life. It has been a battle since the beginning and there are things that I have left out because I could write a book. I’m looking for advice is it just me or does anybody else deal with anything like this. One of my friends said I should let it go and just focus on me, my daughter and fiance but when he is gone it’s only me dealing with it . And them saying things to his son and going against us every time we get on to his son it’s causing us problems also.

  117. I have read several comments and am looking for some advise. I am dating a guy iv know for 9 years. We only started dating 3 years ago so I know his ex wife. When we started dating she told her then 3 year old she hated me and that she does not have to listen to me. I have three kids and I do try to make them respect me as much as I can. His ex wife has tried several times to say my son has touched her daughter, and when that did not pan out she blamed it in my niece. Come to find out it was her best friends kids and her daughter that we mutually touching each other. When I heard that my boyfriend would only tell his ex he would talk to the kids about it and never said anything to stand up for my kids I went off on him. I did go off on her as well and told her I did not appreciate her trYing to ruin my kids lives with that comment. I informed her that her daughter was very rude and has a problem with athority and she need disapline she just stared at me and proceeded to tell my boyfriend that all she got out of our conversation was that I don’t like their daughter. This child his slapped me, told me she hates me, she does not have to listen, rolls her eyes and sticks out her tongue at me. She has to be attached to her dad at all times. If he’s in the shower she in the bathroom. If he is using the bathroom she waits outside the door. My kids have a hard time with her because of her lying and constant need to be touching some part of them. If I try to intervene he and I get into a huge fight. we have lived together for 3 years and I support them all. He does work but apparently feels the need to not pay for anything. he does not mow the lawn, shovel the snow, take out the garbage, clean the house,he doesn’t take car of the vehicle that he drives that I pay for. he doesn’t pay for anything other than his gas and food for him during work. I pay everything in the house. When I bring this up his excuse is he takes me out to eat. He says I’m controling because I take care of everything when it a rises instead of waiting for his response. We have been on vacat ion 4 times and he has never paid for anything. And if I tell him to talk to his ex about taking his daughter she waits till the day before we are leaving to tell him if she can go. She wants to know where we will be and what we will be doing the whole time we are going and she has to be back by a certain time when we do arrive back home. When his child participants in sports he is only told the day before when and where they are. When I have talked to her about playing games with their child she simply stated she can do whatever she wants and does not need to tell him anything. Their child 90% of the time runs his life and tells him what she is going to do. After 7 times of telling her no he let’s her do it anyway and she will tell him “see”. I have sat back and watch this now 7 year old play head games with him and my kids, but when I say something G it’s a big fight. I can admit that yeah I’m probably controlling but there are reasons. I get stuff done. I’m to the point with this relationship that I’m ready for it to end. He is a great guy and is good to me and my kids but he is a kid himself. Sits on the couch for hours playing games on his phone. I have to ask 4 or 5 times for him to do something. And when I told him I wanted to sell a truck that I bought that he was going to fix up it turned into me taking it away from him. I was punishing him. I’m at a loss here.

    1. My fiances little boy treats me the same way. And your story sounds a lot like mine. I never have any say so of what goes on and if I have a problem with what is going on it is a fight! Im at the point of giving up. Me