Your boyfriend says he loves you, but he’s not here beside you. Here’s what to do when your boyfriend doesn’t spend time with you, plus tips for renewing your heart, mind and soul. You may feel neglected and lonely, but you have more power than you think! You don’t have to sit and wait for your boyfriend to make time for you.
These tips are inspired by a reader’s comment: “I am always lonely, and I complain to my boyfriend,” says Dee on 5 Ways to Respond When Your Boyfriend Stops Texting You. “He says I need to give him time, and we both need to weather the storm together. It’s been five months. I’m lonely and confused. Is he not interested in me anymore? How do I get my boyfriend to spend more time with me?”
The tough truth is that you can’t change your boyfriend. The best advice I can give you is to focus on becoming your healthiest, brightest, best self! Not only will this make you happier in your life – regardless of how much time your boyfriend spends with you – it will make you more attractive to him. And he might just start spending more time with you than you want. Check out these tips for blossoming into who God created you to be…
Chances are, your boyfriend is in love with you. He tells you he wants to spend time with you, but he can’t for whatever reasons he gives. He’s prioritizing other things above you. Sometimes this is a valid and even a good thing to do. For instance, if your boyfriend is dealing with depression then he needs to take care of his emotional health. If his work is incredibly busy or his family is demanding his time for a short-term reason (eg, a funeral, move to a new place, or even a family celebration), then he needs to spend time with them.
The reason your boyfriend isn’t choosing to spend time with you is important.
When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You
You won’t find “one size fits all” tips on how to get your boyfriend to spend more time with you in the tips below. I don’t know why your boyfriend can’t spend time with you…but you do. You need to tailor your response to him according to who he is and what he says.
These tips will help, but you need to do a little work!
1. Figure out what you want out of your relationship
Your boyfriend is clear on what he wants. He knows how much time he’s willing to invest in your relationship. You need to get clear on what type of relationship – and perhaps marriage – you want. You have the power to control your future. It’s up to you to take control of your part in this relationship! It’s time to rise above your yearnings and feelings, and start using your intellect. You need to put your emotions (“I want to be married, I want him to love me, I want to start a family”) in the back seat, and put your brains in the front seat (“Is this the man I should marry? Will he be there for me and my kids? Is he financially stable?”).
If you think you want to marry your boyfriend but you’re worried that he’s not spending time with you, read 5 Ways to Know if You’re Settling in a Relationship. It’ll help you figure out if he’s the right man for you.
2. Decide if you can live happily with your boyfriend as he is right now
Don’t hope and expect your boyfriend to change, because he won’t. If he’s been immersed in his games, work, friends, hobbies, or goals for a few months, then he probably won’t change his habits. If you want this relationship to work, you need to accept that your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you now and he probably won’t have time for you after you get married, settle into a house, and have kids together.
You need to accept your boyfriend for who he is right now. Don’t expect or (worse!) nag him to change. It won’t make him want to spend more time with you…in fact, the more you talk about your relationship expectations, the less time your boyfriend will spend with you.
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Be honest with yourself. If you know deep down that your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you because he doesn’t love you as much as you love him, start grieving the hurt. The truth isn’t easy, but it must be faced.
3. Voice your concerns about and wishes for your relationship – once
Tell your boyfriend how it makes you feel when he spends all his time working, hanging out with friends, or working on his car. Say something like, “I feel ____ and _____ when you don’t spend time with me. My ideal relationship would involve us spending X amount of time together.”
Ask him how much time your boyfriend can reasonably commit to your relationship. One date a week? Two hours a month?
Don’t initiate this conversation more than once. It doesn’t help to keep telling your boyfriend that you’re lonely and frustrated because he doesn’t have time for you. If you said it once, you don’t need to repeat it.
4. Remember that all relationships go through ups and downs
Here’s the rest of Dee’s comment:
“The project that my boyfriend spent all his money failed, and he banked on another. That failed, too. It’s been five months since the misfortune, and my once beautiful relationship is now a shadow of itself. He doesn’t give me attention and he doesn’t let me visit him, although he pays me surprise visits at intervals. My boyfriend said he wants to be left alone, as he is working tirelessly to get back on his feet.”
Some men get their value and self-worth from their work and finances. Some don’t want to embark on a committed love relationship until their career is stable and even prosperous. Others can’t focus on both work and love. They simply need to focus on one aspect of life at a time. If your boyfriend doesn’t have enough time for you because of his work commitments, he may simply be in a stage of life that requires more focus in one area. But if your boyfriend is a workaholic or an entrepreneur driven to succeed, he may never be at the point where he can easily let go of his job.
For tips on living with men who are consumed with work, read How to Cope When Your Husband Puts His Work First.
5. Create a life outside your relationship
This is the most important – and the most fun – thing to do when your boyfriend doesn’t spend enough time with you: create your own interesting, fulfilling, exciting life!
The healthiest way to respond to a boyfriend who doesn’t have time for you is to renew your relationship with God and build a life you love. Do not make your boyfriend the center of your existence. Find what inspires and energizes you. What makes you happy? Your boyfriend is part of your life – he is not your whole life. The happier and healthier you are, the more attractive you’ll be to him.
Are you spiritually healthy? This is the perfect time to renew your relationship with Jesus, and blossom into who God created you to be. Are you emotionally stable? If not, spend time with yourself. What needs healing in your heart, soul and mind? What do you need to grieve and let go of? Most importantly right, now, why are you in a relationship with a boyfriend who doesn’t want to spend time with you?
Want to convince your boyfriend to spend more time with you?
Read 52 Uncommon Dates: A Couple’s Adventure Guide for Praying, Playing, and Staying Together by Randy Southern.
You’ll get playful ideas for dating and spending time together, and you’ll learn more about God as a couple. Developing a spiritual life together will bring you closer than you thought possible, and give you power and hope for your future.
Most importantly, create your own life and identity outside of your relationship with your boyfriend. Don’t let your self-image and self-worth get wrapped up in him or his life, or you’ll lose yourself.
What do you think about my tips on what to do when your boyfriend doesn’t have time to spend with you? Your thoughts – big and little – are welcome below! I read every comment, but don’t worry: I won’t give advice or tell you what to do. It’s your turn to talk.
Need marriage help? Get free relationship advice from Marriage Coach Mort Fertel.
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