Here are the first things you should do when you think he’s cheating on you. If you suspect infidelity, it’s time to do some investigatory work!
But I’m not talking about hiring a private investigator or snooping into your husband’s emails or phone messages.
First, here’s what one of my readers said on an article about husbands cheating:
“Five years ago he cheated on me and told me about it,” says my reader on Is My Husband Lying About Cheating? 4 Ways to Tell. “I really love him so I’ve tried really hard to regain the trust, but I find that he argues with me about everything. He does things to make me feel like he is cheating again, but he says he learned his lesson the first time. He never wants to feel that way again, but I don’t feel like that is the truth. He will make comments [that make me suspect infidelity]. I guess I’m asking how do I find out if he is truly cheating again or I’m just paranoid because he cheated before.”
While I can’t tell her — or any woman who suspects infidelity — if her partner is cheating, I do have a few thoughts on what to do if you’re wondering if he’s cheating or not…
What to Do When You Think He’s Cheating on You – The First Steps
Here’s another question from a reader, on the same article about husbands who lie about cheating:
“My husband is less romantic, he pulls away from me all the time,” she says. “We argue and fight all the time, and we don’t have anything physical in common any more. I feel like he’s cheating but I don’t know what to do. Help me please!”
I wish I had the answers…but I just don’t. Here are my thoughts:
Be careful about taking online advice about what to do when you suspect infidelity
It may seem odd that I write dozens of articles about marriage, love, and infidelity suspicions, but I can’t help you figure out if your husband is cheating. The thing is, I’m just a writer. And you’re a woman who doesn’t trust her husband, who needs serious help with her marriage. If you think he’s cheating, you need to do more in-depth investigation than asking people online for help! I’m sorry, but I really believe you need to be very careful about getting advice about something as huge as suspecting infidelity from strangers.
We online strangers — no matter how super duper nice and smart we are — have no idea what’s really going on in your marriage. It would be immoral, unethical, and a big fat mistake to give advice about that which we do not know.
Be honest about why you think he’s cheating
Do you suspect infidelity because he’s cheated in the past, because he keeps dropping hints, because your guts tells you he’s cheating, or because you’re insecure about being in love? Figuring out the roots of your suspicions can help you get to the bottom of the whole cheating question.
Trust your gut – it’ll confirm your suspicions of infidelity
Often, women who think their husbands are cheating are right. The guy is cheating. Why are women right when they suspect infidelity? Because their gut is telling them something they don’t want to know, that they don’t want to admit to themselves. I remember reading a book that said that one of the most important questions you’ll ever ask yourself is, “What are you afraid to know?” This whole “is he cheating or isn’t he?” question is one of those things you’re afraid to know…but the sooner you face up to it, the better.
Get thee to a counselor!
When you suspect infidelity, you don’t necessarily need a marriage counselor. You need an individual counselor to help you gain insight into your own personality, relationships, and life. You need to build your self-esteem and self-confidence, and you need to learn how to trust your instincts. Are you scared, confused, and desperate for help? Do yourself a favor, and get counseling. Sort out your own issues, so you can start sorting out your marriage.
If you really think he’s cheating but are scared to let go of your marriage, read Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife’s Guide to Recovery and Renewal by Vikki Stark.
Another article that may help is How to Prevent an Affair and Protect Your Marriage.
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I welcome your comments on thoughts on suspecting infidelity below – but please don’t ask me if your husband is cheating!