These signs of real love will help you learn what a healthy relationship is, and if your partner is good for you. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we wish for, we don’t see our relationship for what it is.
If you’re confused about your relationship, chances are it isn’t healthy. Is it worth saving, worth fighting for? I don’t know…only you can answer that. Reading books like Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away will help you figure you what healthy relationships are.
If you think it’s too late to walk away from an unhealthy partner, think about this: “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” ~ Indian proverb.
The best time to leave an unhealthy relationship was when it first started to go bad. The best time to leave an unhealthy relationship is now! It’s never too late to start over, rebuild your life, and live the life God intended for you.
5 Signs of a Healthy Relationship
These signs of healthy relationships are inspired by two readers’ comments about their unhealthy relationships. Sometimes you have to look at what isn’t real love to see what real love is.
You don’t feel manipulated or controlled – physically or emotionally
“I’m 19 years old and have been with my boyfriend for about six months,” says L. “When we first got together he was extremely paranoid and possessive. We took a break (broke up) and he promised to change, so I took him back. I found out 4 weeks ago I am pregnant. Since then he has threatened to hit me, has tried to stop me seeing my friends and has become more paranoid of me cheating on him. I am breaking up with him but am scared about the child and the lengths he will go to get custody. I know I am not going to put up with him anymore but I don’t know what rights he has with the child.”
Her boyfriend is a manipulative, controlling man who tries to isolate her from her friends and accuses her of cheating. L. is falling into the cycle of violence or abuse dynamic: he tries to manipulate and control her, she withdraws or breaks up with him, and he turns on the charm.
If this sounds like your relationship (unhealthy!), read The Abuse Dynamic – Why Women Who Are Abused Can’t Walk Away.
A sign of real love is treating each other with respect and acceptance. Does your partner encourage and support your plans, goals, and dreams? Does he listen to your thoughts and opinions without trying to change them? Does he accept you for who you are, and treat your body and mind with care and consideration? That’s what healthy relationships are all about.
You feel strong and able to stand up to your partner
“I’m not strong enough not to take him back if he tries to get back together,” says L. “It’s hard to focus on the bad things he said and did to me. He can be such a manipulative person.”
You’re in an unhealthy relationship if your partner does bad things to do or makes you feel bad. It’s as simple as that: real love does NOT make you feel bad about who you are. Do you feel down on yourself because of your partner? Did you choose your partner because you have low self-esteem and think negatively about yourself? Those are signs of bad relationships.
The good parts outweigh the bad parts of the relationship
Let’s face it: even the healthiest relationships have bad parts, weaknesses, problems, and shortcomings. We’re human. We’re not perfect, so our relationships aren’t perfect.
A sign of real love is feeling good about your partner, your relationship, and yourself most of the time.
Here’s what one reader says: “I’m in an unhealthy relationship, and it’s so hard for me to leave,” says J. “When we are happy (not fighting), I could never leave. I get the urge to leave whenever we fight but I know that I will miss what it’s like when we’re not fighting. I am walking on eggshells every day, never knowing what is going to set him off…”
Are you happy with your partner more often than unhappy with him? Does the good outweigh the bad? Are there more happy, positive interactions than negative, painful ones? If you’re wondering what a healthy relationship is, step back and look at your relationship objectively.
You can be yourself in your relationship
“It’s very hard to deal with never knowing what will upset him,” says J. “I’ve become a silent person. I do not go out much, and I’m usually not able to use the car I bought, but he does. He has such a hold on me, yet I can’t leave. I am one of those women who don’t want to leave because of the children, they love him soo much and we are a very tight family other than what happens behind closed doors.”
If you’re not blossoming with your partner, then it’s not an emotionally healthy relationship. A sign of real love is growing to be a better, stronger, happier person. If you feel suffocated, silenced, or sad because of what’s going on behind the closed doors of your relationship, then you know as well as I do that it’s not healthy.
You are an equal partner in your relationship
“You need to have give-and-take in your relationship,” writes psychologist D’Arcy Lyness in Am I in a Healthy Relationship? “Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with your partner’s friends as often as you hang out with yours? It’s not like you have to keep a running count and make sure things are exactly even, of course. But you’ll know if it isn’t a pretty fair balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.”
If you don’t feel like you have a voice in your relationship, then it’s not healthy.
5 Signs of Healthy Relationships and Real Love
- Good communication
- Support in good and bad times
- Separate identities
If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, read Controlling Relationships and Addictive Love – How to Walk Away.
I welcome your thoughts on these signs of real love and healthy relationships below. I can’t offer counseling or advice, but it might help you to write about your experiences.
Your thoughts are welcome below! I don't give advice, but you can get free relationship help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.