These ideas for increasing physical intimacy in your marriage are inspired by a reader’s comment on 5 Sex Tips for Women With Ulcerative Colitis.
“My husband never feels ‘in the mood,'” says Cassie. “Viagra wouldn’t work. It’s our situation that has caused my husband to have erectile dysfunction. He is an overachiever and for the first time in his life, he feels like he failed at something he set out to do…his manhood is broken and he feels responsible.
We talk about it and he feels very guilty. He gets upset that he can’t be a ‘complete’ husband for me. He says he is just not interesting in having sex and gets stressed out about not being able to get in the mood. Every other part of our relationship is strong and solid. How do we increase physical intimacy in our marriage?”
Cassie knows exactly why her husband isn’t interested in sex. This is a great first step, because it’ll help her figure out how to reconnect with him physically. Fixing a sexless marriage is more difficult when men refuse to acknowledge there’s a problem or look at their own emotional states. Erectile dysfunction can be caused by many things, ranging from work stress to circulatory problems to emotional disconnection.
Here’s the rest of her comment:
“I had two rounds of IVF. My embryos didn’t implant. I was completely broken. To this day I can’t believe I can’t have a baby of my own. It’s been 2 years since our second set of embryos didn’t implant….and it was also the last time my husband and I had sex. After a lot of grieving and feeling broken for a long time, I have eventually gone on with life. Now that I’m ready for life to go back to normal, my husband never feels like having sex. Any thoughts would be appreciated.”
I can relate, because my husband and I couldn’t have kids either. When childlessness is caused by male infertility, a husband’s ego can be seriously bruised. This directly affects self-perception and libido. The reader had it exactly right when she said her husband perceives that his “manhood is broken” – and his feelings of guilt and responsibility are ruining his interest in physical intimacy.
How you fix a sexless marriage depends on your husband’s personality, energy level, and reasons for the erectile dysfunction. Different solutions will work for different men; hopefully, your husband is willing and able to try different routes until he finds what works for him (and you)!
Tips for Fixing a Sexless Marriage
Here are a few ideas to try:
- Find a male counselor who has experience with men’s sex issues. Your husband needs to separate the inability to conceive from his manhood. He needs to see himself as whole, healthy, happy, and in control – and a counselor can give him the objective perspective he needs.
- Look for a sex therapist who specializes in erectile dysfunction. I don’t know which area your husband should focus on (eg, coping with his feelings of powerlessness, increasing physical intimacy by dealing with erectile dysfunction, etc). Hopefully, your husband is willing to talk to someone about how to “fix” a sexless marriage.
Read Penis Exercises: A Healthy Book for Enlargement, Enhancement, Hardness, & Health by Rob Michaels. You don’t necessarily need viagra or supplements or all that stuff…you’d be surprised at how much you can do to change your physical intimacy in marriage with a few simple exercises for your penis!
- Find support groups in your area, for infertility or sexual dysfunction. I know this is a long shot – most men would never want to join a support group to talk about physical intimacy in marriage – but it’s worth mentioning.
- Think about attending a marriage weekend. Many churches and other organizations offer fantastic workshops for married couples, and sex is almost always on the agenda.
Is your husband withdrawing from you? Read How to Cope When He Says He’s Not in Love With You.
Feel free to comment on how to increase physical intimacy in marriage below. I can’t offer advice, but I read every comment. You may find it helpful to share what you’re going through.