Q: I make all the effort to work on our marriage, and my husband doesn’t do anything. I am tired. I want to be cared for. I feel so lonely and unhappy. When we married four years ago, I went against my parents and my husband went against his parents. Recently he stopped caring about me. He fights, says hurtful things, never apologises or tries to make up.
After a fight, he just leaves me alone for hours without telling me where he is going or when he will be back. He hits himself when he is angry. It scares me. He beats himself if I don’t agree with him. He has never hit me or cheated on me, but he doesn’t care about me. I had an abortion and he never called me from his office to ask if I was ok.
When I confronted him about these issues, he says he loves me and can’t get a divorce. He says he’ll die if I leave him, and he has nobody. I’m tired of making all the effort in our marriage, and I fear he might harm himself. Please tell me what I should do.
Your husband is emotionally unhealthy, and is manipulating you to stay in the marriage. He is trying to control you – and I think you should read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. You need to try to understand how and why he is behaving the way he is.
Are You Tired of Making All the Effort in Your Marriage?
Your marriage problems aren’t just about you making all the effort. Your husband needs help, and that goes beyond you trying to understand why he is acting the way he is. He needs to get psychologically and emotionally healthy, and be able to accept the thought of a separation or divorce without threatening to hurt himself.
I wrote When Your Boyfriend Threatens to Kill Himself If You Leave for another woman in the same situation – I hope you read it.
You can’t make your husband get help, or get healthy. He needs to choose to be a healthy man, an equal partner in your marriage. You can’t force him to do anything.
Need marriage help? Get FREE relationship advice from Marriage Coach Mort Fertel.
But, you can get help for yourself. You need to get emotionally healthy and strong, and find support in your friends and family. I can’t tell you if you should leave him. But, I strongly believe you need to find outside support and an objective perspective on your marriage – and your husband’s behaviors.
You’re tired of making all the effort in your marriage because your husband is an emotionally exhausting man. You’re trying to build a marriage alone, and that never works. You need to take a step back from his emotional and physical manipulations, and make a decision about your life that is best for you.
Yes, you love and care about him, but you need to put your needs ahead of his.
Here’s another article that may help: Should You Leave Your Husband? 3 Signs It’s Time to Go.