When You’re Tired of Making All the Effort in Your Marriage

marriage is too much effort

Are you tired of doing all the work in your marriage?

Q: I make all the effort to work on our marriage, and my husband doesn’t do anything. I am tired. I want to be cared for. I feel so lonely and unhappy. When we married four years ago, I went against my parents and my husband went against his parents. Recently he stopped caring about me. He fights, says hurtful things, never apologises or tries to make up.

After a fight, he just leaves me alone for hours without telling me where he is going or when he will be back. He hits himself when he is angry. It scares me. He beats himself if I don’t agree with him. He has never hit me or cheated on me, but he doesn’t care about me. I had an abortion and he never called me from his office to ask if I was ok.

When I confronted him about these issues, he says he loves me and can’t get a divorce. He says he’ll die if I leave him, and he has nobody. I’m tired of making all the effort in our marriage, and I fear he might harm himself. Please tell me what I should do.

Your husband is emotionally unhealthy, and is manipulating you to stay in the marriage. He is trying to control you – and I think you should read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. You need to try to understand how and why he is behaving the way he is.

Are You Tired of Making All the Effort in Your Marriage?

Your marriage problems aren’t just about you making all the effort. Your husband needs help, and that goes beyond you trying to understand why he is acting the way he is. He needs to get psychologically and emotionally healthy, and be able to accept the thought of a separation or divorce without threatening to hurt himself.

I wrote When Your Boyfriend Threatens to Kill Himself If You Leave for another woman in the same situation – I hope you read it.

You can’t make your husband get help, or get healthy. He needs to choose to be a healthy man, an equal partner in your marriage. You can’t force him to do anything.

But, you can get help for yourself. You need to get emotionally healthy and strong, and find support in your friends and family. I can’t tell you if you should leave him. But, I strongly believe you need to find outside support and an objective perspective on your marriage – and your husband’s behaviors.

You’re tired of making all the effort in your marriage because your husband is an emotionally exhausting man. You’re trying to build a marriage alone, and that never works. You need to take a step back from his emotional and physical manipulations, and make a decision about your life that is best for you.

Yes, you love and care about him, but you need to put your needs ahead of his.

Here’s another article that may help: Should You Leave Your Husband? 3 Signs It’s Time to Go.

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3 thoughts on “When You’re Tired of Making All the Effort in Your Marriage”

  1. Narcissists don’t value opinions – needs – wants – and are extremely self absorbed, immature,
    and selfish. They can’t see past the end of their noses and only concerned with what THEY want. No tolerance for sick/injured people. They don’t hear you – they only hear complaining and tune you out.. Are they very defensive and accusing you of picking on them?? Hm. That’s my husband. He states he realizes he’s taking me for granted – but nothing ever changes. I am just the housekeeper/cook/laundress to cater to his every need. Yes, it’s exhausting and I do become resentful ( more to this story… ) but I choose to be there. That is great advice that was given. Taking care of yourself – finding your support OUTSIDE the marriage.. Don’t expect them to do what they are incapable of doing. They just can’t. Either accept it or get out. When these narcissists are getting their needs met they are charming, fun, and energetic. I’m no kid and this is my second marriage. I see why I am # 3. Best of luck to everyone… Remember: TAKE CARE OF YOU… and don’t let them guilt you into anything different. YOU deserve things, too!!

  2. Dear Sherry,

    It sounds like your husband is taking you for granted, and not respecting what you say or think. No wonder you are tired of making all the effort in your marriage – he is not pulling his weight!

    Couples counseling is probably a long shot for him, but have you tried counseling on your own? You cannot change your husband, but you can change how you respond to him. Sometimes we can change our reactions, which ends up affecting how our partners act. If you can become a strong, healthy, independent, happy woman apart from your husband, he may sit up and take notice. This in turn may change how he treats you…without you having to nag or beg him to treat you differently!

    Does this make sense – what do you think?


  3. I’ve been with my husband 8 years ,this coming April we’ll have been married of those two.we have son who’ll be 3 in April also. I live my husband very much but I feel like emotionally he’s not there anymore.we used to cuddle and watch tv we don’t do that any more its like pulling teeth.i know he’s never cheated and I know he loves me , I just feel like he doesn’t think he needs to put in the effort. I just had surgery wensday it’s not my first surgery but this time it was for my gallbladder and suddenly thurs he’s sick the stomach bug. Ok so I take care of him and myself , he fights me tooth and nail , I say take nausea medicine “no” I say drink ginger ale “no” I say eat crackers or toast , no , his mother had our son over night she dropped him off thurs as soon as his mother said ” you should eat some toast ” no sooner she walked out the door he said” babe can u make me some toast” and he’s been fighting me all day!’ I feel like he doesn’t value my opinion and thinks I’m a idiot! I love him so much but feel like he doesn’t see or hear me anymore