What to Do When You’re Confused About Your Relationship


Relationships are confusing at the best of times – but when your boyfriend is sending mixed signals, it can be frustrating and mind-boggling. Here’s what to do when you’re confused about your relationship.

These tips are inspired by a reader’s comment and question…

“I have a boyfriend who I love dearly. The problem is we get along great then out of nowhere he needs space…he doesn’t need me around 24/7. He gets upset with me if I go home at night. We have been shopping for cars, furniture, but then he turns the other way. His phone is always connected to him. I would love to look through it but I don’t want to be that person. I respect his privacy even at my expense. Please help!”


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It sounds like her boyfriend is sending mixed signals, which is so confusing! He wants her to be around, yet wants his space. Sometimes this a normal part of building a relationship, and sometimes it’s indicative of a more serious problem.

What to Do When You’re Confused About Your Relationship

This reader left her comment on my article about knowing if your husband is cheating. I assume she’s worried he’s cheating on her – and that’s why she wants to look through his phone. A big part of me thinks that if you think your partner is cheating, then he probably is. Your subconscious is picking up on things that you don’t want to admit to yourself or to others.

Are you confused about your relationship? Here are a few steps to take…

Go slowly

Is it time to start shopping for cars and furniture together, or is it time to take your relationship one date at a time? We SO often rush into relationships, which is what makes them confusing.

How long have you and your boyfriend been dating? If it’s less than a year, then it’s too early to start meshing your finances, children, and furniture. It’s far better to take your time and really get to know him before you dig into his life – and his phone.

Trust your gut

Why do you want to look through his phone? Because you don’t trust him for some reason. What is your gut telling you about your relationship? Is it confusing because there’s something wrong?

If your instincts are screaming at you, do yourself a favor and listen to them. Trust them. Follow up on your hunches. This means TALKING to your boyfriend about how you feel when he turns away. And LISTEN to what he says both verbally and nonverbally – because he is telling you the truth about your relationship.

Or, maybe your boyfriend is simply moody and unpredictable. Here’s an article I wrote for a reader whose boyfriend has extreme emotional swings: How to Cope With a Moody and Unpredictable Boyfriend.

Give your boyfriend – and yourself – room to breathe

Are you smothering him? Are you forgetting to take time and space for yourself, to stay connected to who you are? If you’re not giving your boyfriend space, you’ll lose something precious.

confused about relationship

What to Do When You’re Confused About Your Relationship

Part of giving your boyfriend space is NOT checking his phone. In the dating stage, people need their privacy! After you’re married – or when you get engaged – then you have the right to check his phone and have his passwords. Before then, it’s just an invasion of privacy.

What do you think – how will you handle your confusion about your relationship? You can ignore it and hope everything works out, or you can tackle it head on. There is no right or wrong way – it depends on where you’re at emotionally, physically, and even professionally!

If you don’t feel confident about your relationship, read How to Gain Confidence and Create Healthy Relationships.

I welcome your comments below, but I can’t offer advice. You may find that writing does help you gain clarity and insight, though…especially if you’re confused about your relationship! Writing can help you figure out how you feel and what step to take next.

Follow your heart. But take your brain with you.

xo


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9 thoughts on “What to Do When You’re Confused About Your Relationship

  • Anonymous

    I have been dating my ex for 3 months now. We were together for 3 years then split for two. Our break up was good but also bad. I really want to again with him because he has been trying so hard to get me back but recently he has gone back to the moody person her used to be and I still have doubts that I’m going to have my heart broken again.

  • jessebel tablingon

    Hi. Im very confused right now.
    Let’s just call him , Mike. We know each other.But we hardly keep in touch. We don’t talk much before.Then we haven’t seen for 2 years.
    Recently, we met at my bestfriends weeding. We greeted each other. Some conversations and exchanging numbers.
    For the last 3 months, we kept our communication. He cared for me, say sweet things, always calling me every morning and night. We go to places. Eat at the restaurant together. We would talk all night at nonsense.
    But he never ask me about something. He didn’t say he’d court me or such. And I’m afraid to ask… “What are we?” “Are we dating?” I really wanted to ask him that…but I’m afraid.
    . And In falling for him. I don’t know what to do.
    Please help me. Thank you.

  • IdkGirl

    My boyfriend of almost 6yrs has been “emotionally cheating” with many girls online that he doesn’t know in real life and talked to his ex several times the first 2 years we were together online . (in my opinion it’s cheating if it hurts emotionally, causes trust issues, and makes you seconds guess if ur significant other truly loves you)

    But what bothers me the most is that a year ago a girl messaged me on Facebook (His coworker at the time) asking if I was dating my bf and that she thought we broke up and that they were dating for almost 2 months but recently broke up and he met her son and that they even had sex.

    This ripped me to shreds and was a million times worse because I was at work at the time and had to go to school right after I got off so I had no time to cry or talk to him. I was beyond hurt I texted him I as done and I hated him and never wanna see him again and sent him pics of the messages between me and the girl. He was very upset said it wasn’t true and he didn’t even know who it was until I sent him a screen shot of her profile picture. He told me over and over it wasn’t true and he said I could ask his friends (also his coworkers) if I didn’t believe him. He also said that his friends had to calm him down cuz he was pissed that someone (the girl) would try and cause problems between us. He even said he wanted to quit because of her saying that to cause problems and he didn’t wanna be around someone who makes up stuff like that to hurt other people for fun. The way he acted made me wanna believe him cuz he was furious, very upset, he maybe even cried but I can’t remember . But I didn’t believe him because he was mad and yelling when i know I would be crying but I’m girl so idk how a guy should react to that. Anyways I cried so much after that. He came over almost every day just to hold me as I cried. I cried so hard that my mom would ask him why I was crying so hard as if someone died and I told her to go away and I could see her asking him why hurt him and he didn’t know what to say or how to say it so I told my mom to go away don’t worry about it and don’t ask him because I didn’t want him to lie to her because I didn’t want her to know.

    But this month has just been horrible I feel depressed but wonder if it’s just anxiety or my lack of sleep that has me so sad and hurt. I told my mom I’m “very sad” she just tells me ” your hypochondriac nothing is wrong with you your dramatic, your just being hormonal, its ur birth control ( it’s arm implant), it’s all the drugs you take” ( she is referring to Adderall for ADD/ADHD that I start this year after being diagnosed). I’m at the point when I want to stop my medication get the implant removed and see how I feel and get a check up with blood work and everything else to make sure I am healthy and get tested for ADD/ADHA all over again and start birth control all over again to see what is causing me to feel the way I do.

    I think I could be depressed I think I could have bad anxiety. I think I could be a hypochondriac. I think I could be dramatic. I think I could be hormonal. I think it could be anything anyone suggest because I don’t know what it is and every time anyone says their opinion about what makes me feel this way I just add it on the list of the possible causes. I hate that my mom says its 100 different things. I hate that I feel the way I do. I wish her or someone would pick what it is and get it over with. I don’t care what it is I just wanna know what it is and how I can make it stop so I can be a happy person. I’m sick of cry at night because I have to wake up in the morning, I hate waking up in the morning wishing I was dead. I’m sick of thinking of suicide and wishing I was dead when I am hurting from all the pain from my relationship with my boyfriend and the stress my family puts me through. Im tired of fighting to stay alive everyday when all I wanna do is die.

    I’m so confused I don’t know what to do.

    Do I stay with him? Do I leave him? Is it just Depression? Is it just Anxiety? Is it my medicine? Is it the Birth control? Is it me being dramatic? Is it me being a hypochondria? Is it me being hormonal?

    I just wanna give up. I need help. I need someone to tell me what is wrong. I don’t wanna talk to anyone I know about this and I would love a therapist but can’t afford it.

    (P. S. My mom doesn’t know ably my relationship problems I keep that stuff between me and my be we don’t put our business out there for friends, family, or anyone who knows us to see. We like our personal life problems private. )

  • Laurie Post author

    I would also add that you and he need to make time a plan to figure out how to get through this stage of your life in healthy, loving ways. Be strategic and deliberate about making time to spend together! Talk about what you’re going through and how you feel.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Lisa,

    I understand your confusion about your relationship! It sounds like you and your fiance have a lot going on right now – but I actually don’t think it’s about your love or commitment to each other. I think you’re going through a tough stage of your relationship and that you need to take time to reconnect.

    I wrote this article for you:

    3 Things to Consider When You’re Questioning Your Relationship
    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/questioning-my-relationship/

    Wishing you love, peace, and joy in your relationship,
    Laurie

  • Lisa

    Hi me and my boyfriend have been together for two years and seven months we recently got engaged and we moved in with his grandparents until we have enough money for our own space since we moved in I have been feeling confused and we don’t spend much together because of his job and grandparents and I understand his job but his grandparents still move around well and everything and they are in the middle of us we have no privacy can barely talk to each other because when we do they call him so is it normal for me to confused because I have been questioning our relationship because of it

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Michelle,

    It’s important to trust your gut, especially if you’re confused about your relationship! Your instincts are sending you warning signals that are red alerts for more pain to come.

    It sounds like your husband is involved in alot of different relationships, and not focused on your marriage.

    What advice would you give someone else in your shoes?

  • Michelle

    My husband I think he is hiding something cause we have not been on good terms.i know he drinks beer but the issue is he has many friend girls on facebook and and has second facebook that he wont except me on that and I monitor calls and text because he always stays up to 3 in the morning and one person I was texting says aw what you doing with him xwife and one of his friends texting him and my husband says I am texting #2

    • Nancy

      Hey I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years and 3 months.I really want to just quit because be has never introduce me to his family.He has a child and I have never meet him.I haventry been to his house either.I have a feeling he isn’t taking me serious but he might care about me.We rarely ever have sex and he is really never around.The thing is I don’t know how to talk to him about anything