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How to Stay True to You When You’re in Love

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If you know how to stay true to yourself when you’re in love, you’ll build the relationship of your dreams. The healthiest relationships involve people who are true to themselves! The problem is that when we fall in love, we tend to mold ourselves into what we think our partners want.

Dare to Be Yourself

How to Stay True to Yourself When You’re in Love

Do you have trouble staying true to yourself? Read Dare to Be Yourself: How to Quit Being an Extra in Other Peoples Movies and Become the Star of Your Own by Alan Cohen.

“If you’re true to yourself, it’s easier to act in ways that build intimacy in relationships, and that will make your relationship more fulfilling,” says Amy Brunell, assistant professor of psychology at Ohio State University’s Newark campus. Being true to yourself is easier said than done because we want to be loved. We fear rejection, conflict, and being left. It’s hard to be truly ourselves – especially when we’re in a new relationship.

When I first started this blog, I called it Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships. But just yesterday I realized I want to focus on encouraging you and me to be true to ourselves. The more authentic we are, the happier and healthier we’ll be. This has a direct effect on our relationships!

How to Stay True to Yourself When You’re in Love

“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.” – May Sarton.

What the research shows about authenticity and love

A recent study found that being true to yourself is the best way to increase romance in your relationship. College students who reported being more true to themselves also reported more positive dating relationships. This study found that both men and women who reported being more true to themselves also behaved in more intimate and less destructive ways with their partners. They felt that their relationships were more positive, and also reported greater feelings of personal well-being.

In other words, the more connected you are to your thoughts, opinions, hopes, and dreams, the better able you’ll be to deeply connect to your partner or spouse. If you can’t connect to yourself – if you’re not authentic – you won’t develop strong, healthy connections to others. Source: For Better Romantic Relationships, Be True to Yourself in Personality and Individual Differences (April, 2010).

Are you living a healthy, independent life? Read 10 Tips for Building a Life Outside Your Relationship.

How being true to you affects your love relationship

Stay True to You

“How to Stay True to Yourself When You’re in Love” image by Laurie

If you’re authentic, you’re willing to talk about your emotions, thoughts, goals, and desires with your partner. You don’t keep secrets, and you’re honest about how you feel about everything from abortion to zebras.

Being true to you also means being aware of your limitations, and attempting to make positive changes. You know your weaknesses and you’re willing to talk about them – and perhaps even work on them. This kind of insight involves awareness, insight, and the confidence to express yourself even if you’re scared of rejection.

Questions to think about:

  • Do you tend to change who you are when you fall in love?
  • What is the easiest thing to share about yourself?
  • How do you hold back in your relationships?

I think we all change a little when we’re in a relationship – especially at the beginning. If your relationship is changing you a little too much, read How to be Happy Single.

I’ve been married for almost nine years, and there are still some things I hold back from my husband. Why? Because I don’t want him to think less of me. I don’t think he’d stop loving me if he knew more about me, but … somehow I feel safer and less vulnerable when I keep certain things private.

Should you share everything about yourself when you’re in love? Frank Ocean said, “There’s magic in truth and honesty and openness.”  But isn’t there some magic in keeping a secret or two?

For tips on being true to you when you’re in love, read How to Be Yourself in Your Relationship.

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8 thoughts on “How to Stay True to You When You’re in Love”

  1. Great article, Laurie!

    I’m of the belief that all relationships are designed to reflect to us something in ourselves, so our own forays into inauthenticity are usually mirrored by a behaviour in our partner that bugs us. It’s an opportunity to examine and reassess what we might be trying to hide from ourselves, or in which way we’ve gone off track. That way if you’ve been less than true to yourself, you can gently correct the course, and both of you have a chance to grow through the experience.

    I love Lacy’s mom’s advice, too.

  2. Aleah |

    Sometimes it’s too easy to mold ourselves into what we think our partners want us to be. But it’s always a mistake… For myself, I would rather be alone than play a role in someone else’s script.

  3. Lacy, my boss gave me the same advice when I got married! Except her wording was, “Start as you mean to go.”

    You’re lucky your mom is so smart – and so are you for taking her advice :-)

  4. I’m so glad I found your blog! I will be following. I think it is so important to always stay true to yourself first in all things!

  5. I was much more authentic when I was dating after my divorce from my first husband. Luckily I met husband #2 (still married after 25 years!) on a backpacking trip – hard to be more authentic than seeing someone as they are when they roll out of their sleeping bag after a night in a tent. Once they’ve seen you at your worst, things only get better.

  6. Good advice here! I remember going through a major “nesting” period when my husband and I first moved in together—doing ALL the cooking, cleaning, etc. And my mother gave me a great piece of advice. She said, “Don’t do anything now that you don’t want to KEEP doing for the next 40 years.”

    In other words, don’t change who I was to fit that “honeymoon” period, but instead think about how I wanted to be in the relationship for the long haul. Great advice that I’m glad she shared!