The perfect man doesn’t exist, but you can find the perfect boyfriend for you. This doesn’t mean he’s flawless. Your boyfriend will make mistakes, disappoint you, and even hurt you occasionally.
All relationships – even the best, healthiest ones – go through ups and downs. All boyfriends – even the ones who seem perfect – make bad choices and say or do thoughtless things. That doesn’t mean he’s not the perfect boyfriend for you…it just means he’s human. Or maybe he’s still immature and needs time to grow up. While you’re waiting for the perfect man, take time to explore the world and have your own adventures! You have time. Oprah says, “Personally, I think if a woman hasn’t met the right man by the time she’s 24, she may be lucky.”
Below are 10 signs that you’ve chosen a guy who is perfect for you. You’ll see the difference between a great boyfriend who will come through for you versus a guy who is neglecting or even abusing you. When you read through these signs of the perfect boyfriend, you’ll see whether or not you’re settling for less than you deserve in a relationship.
While reading these signs of perfection, remember that your boyfriend is just like you. He’s faced difficult things in the past, and feels vulnerable and weak sometimes. Your boyfriend may look strong and even tough, but he gets scared, insecure, and confused.
Your boyfriend isn’t the perfect man. You aren’t the perfect girlfriend.
But together, you can have a healthy, strong relationship that is perfect for you as a couple.
8 Signs of the Perfect Boyfriend for You
Before you read further, consider these two questions:
- How long have you know your boyfriend?
- Have you been dating for less than one year?
It’s important to consider the length of time you’ve been together. We all act “perfect” in the beginning of our relationships – whether we’re falling in love, making friends with someone new, or starting a new job. All relationships have honeymoon stages.
If you’ve been dating for less than a year, you may think you’ve found the perfect boyfriend…but really what you’ve found is a guy who wants to impress you. This is normal. When you’re dating you’re both on your best behavior. You’re trying to be perfect girlfriend for him, aren’t you?
Save these signs of the perfect boyfriend, and revisit them in three or four months. See what has changed. I can guarantee you’ll know your boyfriend better in three or four months, and your perspective on these signs of the perfect boyfriend will change.
1. Your boyfriend knows how to handle disappointment and anger
Getting angry is normal and even healthy in many circumstances. It’s appropriate to be angry at unjust or unfair treatment, abuse, or careless behavior. Anger can get us off our bums and help us make positive and healthy changes in our lives and the world around us. But, there’s a difference between expressing anger appropriately and allowing rage to consume us.
Does your boyfriend have outbursts of temper, such as swearing uncontrollably, throwing things, or kicking doors? If so, he’s not the perfect boyfriend for you. His angry flare ups are a reason to let go. Even if he doesn’t get mad or yell at you, his angry outbursts are a sign of future relationship problems.
Other emotional and mental health problems – such as depression – can have a disastrous effect on relationships. If your otherwise perfect boyfriend sometimes gets moody or sad, read How to Deal With a Depressed Boyfriend.
2. The perfect boyfriend treats you with respect
I get hundreds – thousands – of comments on my love and relationship articles. The majority are from women whose boyfriends and husbands are neglectful, indifferent, unhealthy, and even abusive. If their boyfriends treated them with respect, they wouldn’t be asking for relationship help.
You know he’s not the perfect boyfriend for you if he puts you down for your opinions or mocks what you believe in. He’s not a good man if he makes you feel stupid, ignorant, or incompetent. You may not be the perfect girlfriend, but you do not deserve to be treated with anything less than respect and kindness. Do not ignore your boyfriend’s insults, even when he apologizes. This is verbal abuse, and it will only get worse.
If you suspect your boyfriend might have negative ideas about the place and position of women in relationship to men, then you need to learn more about toxic relationships. For example, the perfect boyfriend for you would never insist that women should know and stick to their place. The perfect boyfriend doesn’t consistently hurt you with his words and opinions.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans will help you recognize abuse when it happens, respond to boyfriends who abuse safely and appropriately, and most important, lead a happier, healthier life.
3. You’re comfortable with your boyfriend’s language
The perfect boyfriend might not talk good (use grammatically correct language). Maybe he’ll say “irregardless” when he means “regardless” or “unthaw” when he means “thaw” (to unthaw is to freeze). He might even swear sometimes (!). These little things mean nothing in the grand scheme of things.
But, the perfect boyfriend will NOT use derogatory terms for women, such as “broad,” “chick,” or “slut.” Words are powerful, and they are a sure sign of what your boyfriend believes. If he uses offensive or negative language when he talks about women, then he doesn’t respect us. If your boyfriend criticizes other people in negative or demeaning ways, then you can bet he’ll eventually start criticizing or demeaning you, your family, and your friends.
How do you feel when your boyfriend talks about other people? What does he say, who does he talk about, and how do you think your mom or grandma would respond?
4. He supports your wildest dreams and grandest goals
Oh boy, here’s a great example of how “the perfect husband” would behave when his wife is tackling a wildly scary goal. The perfect husband in this scenario is my own Bruce, and his wife is…me!
I’m playing my flute in a concert in a week, and I’ve been blindsided by stage fright. All I can do is practice practice practice, and I’m practically kidnapping people to come listen to my play so I can get over my performance anxiety. I’m playing the flute badly all the time, and my husband is incredibly supportive and encouraging. He is standing by my side, practically turning the pages of my sheet music and polishing my flute when I’m not looking.
He is not a perfect man, but he is the perfect husband for me. He is supportive and kind, encouraging and helpful. I am not a perfect woman, but we really are perfect for each other.
Can you step back from your relationship and see if you and your boyfriend are perfect for each other? Part of a “perfect relationship” is supporting each other’s dreams and goals even if they don’t seem to make sense (as long as they’re not unhealthy or destructive). The perfect boyfriend for you will spend time and energy helping you achieve your goals…and you will do the same for him.
If your boyfriend makes fun of you or says “You’re no good” or “Nobody else wants you”, then he is not the perfect boyfriend for you! Or anyone. If he makes you feel like you can’t do anything right or that you can’t get along in the world without his help, then you need to rethink your relationship.
5. The perfect boyfriend has dealt with his past
Notice how he talks about his ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, or even his previous dates. Is he angry or bitter about a past relationship? Does he call his ex-girlfriend names – or does he call her on the phone every day?
We’ve all faced breakups and difficult relationships in the past. That doesn’t mean we can’t have strong, healthy relationships…it just means we need to work through the pain so we heal.
If your boyfriend had an abusive background or childhood, he could still be the perfect boyfriend for you. Past abuse or even violence isn’t necessarily a reason to break up – as long as he’s dealt with his past in healthy ways. If your boyfriend was battered as a child or saw his mother or sisters being hit, then he may need to process his past before he can be in a healthy relationship. The cycle of abuse is hard to overcome, but it can be done.
6. You feel safe around him, even if he’s had a few drinks
Knowing if you can trust your boyfriend is crucial to a good relationship. If your boyfriend drinks or uses other drugs daily or even hourly, then he’s not good for you or anyone.
Worse than abusing drugs and alcohol is hurting you physically, emotionally, or sexually when he’s drunk or high. Does your boyfriend become verbally or physically abusive when he drinks too much?
Has your boyfriend threatened or actually hit you, or talked you into doing things in bed that you didn’t want to do? Even if he apologized profusely and made it up to you, you need to be alert for future problems.
7. The perfect boyfriend isn’t jealous or possessive
Does your boyfriend “love you so much” that he can’t stand if you spend time with other people? This is not a flattering sign of love. It’s controlling, manipulative, possessive behavior. Has he complained that you were trying to attract other men by the way you walk, dress, or behave? This isn’t a sign of the perfect boyfriend…it’s unhealthy possessiveness that borders on suspicion and paranoia. It’s a reason to break up.
If your boyfriend is unhappy or moody when you spend time with your friends or family, then he’s not right for you. Possessiveness may feel sexy at first, but it wears thin and can turn into abusive behavior. He’s not right for you if he’s jealous, and jealousy is a reason to break up.
8. The perfect boyfriend will never try to control or force you
How free are you in your relationship? If you don’t feel like you can be yourself, then he isn’t the guy for you. If he wants you to reduce contact with your friends and family – or if he wants you to stop seeing your loved ones altogether – then he’s the perfect boyfriend for you.
The perfect guy will support your relationships with friends and family. He’ll want to be part of your life and relationships. He won’t try to monitor your phone, Facebook page, activities, clothes, people you’re hanging out with, or how much time you spend somewhere.
- If you think your boyfriend is perfect for you, then yay! Read 10 Most Important Relationship Questions to Ask a Guy.
And, remember that the perfect boyfriend for you may not be the guy your friends or even family members approve of. You need to know in your gut, heart, mind and soul that you’re meant to be together. Don’t let your loved ones sway you from what you know is true and good for you.
- At this point, you may know your boyfriend isn’t right for you. Read How to Break Up With Someone You Love. Start preparing yourself to break free and start healing.
What do you think about these signs of the perfect boyfriend? Is your guy right for you, or do need to make a change in your life? Feel free to share your thoughts with me. I can’t offer advice, but you may find it illuminating to write through your experience.