8 Signs He Doesn’t Love You the Way You Need to Be Loved

Of course you need to be loved – we all do! But you also need to face signs he doesn’t love you anymore. Here’s how to know if your boyfriend or husband’s feelings have changed, and what to do in response.

he doesn't love you

8 Signs He Doesn’t Love You

The sooner you recognize and accept that he doesn’t love you, the sooner you can break free and fall in love with someone who can give you the love you need, want, and deserve.

And you do deserve to be in a healthy, happy, strong love relationship! Remember that we accept the love we think we deserve. Are you staying with a man who doesn’t love you because you believe you don’t deserve something better? Are you allowing yourself to believe your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you because you’re not good or interesting enough? If so, it’s time to change how you think about yourself. Sometimes we think we don’t deserve to be loved or treated with respect…and we let our partners treat us badly. The first step is to see and accept the signs he doesn’t love you anymore.

Before you scroll through these signs your boyfriend or husband isn’t in love with you, know that there is no “correct” way to show love in a relationship. Some couples are closer than others. Some couples are happy being glued at the hip, while others need distance, time, and space.

Distance in a relationship can be a red flag, or even a sign of fear of intimacy. “Distance in a relationship can signal that trouble is being swept under the proverbial rug or that one person has checked out of the relationship,” writes Harriet Lerner in Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up. “But distance doesn’t always mean that the state of your union is shaky. Your partner’s aloofness may simply be his way of trying to get through a difficult time.”

If you feel emotional distance in your relationship, it may not be a sign he doesn’t love you. Your boyfriend or husband may simply be less in touch with his or your feelings and emotions, and thus less likely to connect with you on an emotional level.

That said, however, there is a difference between emotional styles and lack of love. That’s why you’re here, right? You suspect there is a lack of love in your relationship, and of course it bothers you.

8 Signs He Doesn’t Love You

Your first step is to consider these signs he’s not in love with you anymore. Then, think about my questions at the end of this article…

Don’t be afraid of accepting that your boyfriend or husband  isn’t in love with you. Instead, be afraid of not being able to see the truth about your relationship! Be afraid of losing touch with yourself.

signs he's not in love with you

Signs He Doesn’t Love You

Be afraid of not listening to the still small voice that will help you Blossom.

Men come and go, but your relationship with God and yourself is the most important relationship you’ll ever have.

It doesn’t matter if your boyfriend or husband loves you; what’s most important is whether or not you love yourself enough to pursue a better, happier, healthier life.

1. You’re searching for signs he doesn’t love you

You are the best judge of your relationship. You know your partner, you know your relationship, and you know when something isn’t right. If you’re searching for articles that will help you figure out if he’s in love with you, then he’s probably not loving you the way you want to be loved.

What is the truth about your relationship, and are you willing to face the idea that he’s not in love with you?

The other possibility is that he IS in love with you, but he doesn’t show love the way you want to be shown love. Read Examples of Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages to learn more about reading and deciphering the “signs he doesn’t love you.” It’s possible that your boyfriend or husband just loves you differently than you want to be loved.

2. You don’t trust him

If your boyfriend or husband cheated on you but you can’t forgive him, then your intuition may be picking up on signs that he’ll cheat on you again. Your Spidey senses are tingling, and the still small voice is telling you that you shouldn’t trust him. Lack of trust is a warning sign that he doesn’t love you, and you need to pay attention before it’s too late.

Are you sure he’s not in love with you? Read How to Find the Strength to Get Out of a Bad Relationship.

3. He makes you feel like you’re not good enough

How do you feel when you’re around him? Do you feel secure, cherished, and valued? That’s a sign he loves you. It’s not love if he makes you feel humiliated, unhappy, depressed, or terrible about yourself.

This sign he doesn’t love you can be complicated for women – like me – who are insecure. I’ve been married for over 10 years, and it took me at least eight years of marriage to learn how to be secure as a beloved, precious, lovable child of God. Knowing who I am in Christ is the single most important thing I did to improve my marriage, because I became free of fears, insecurities, and anxieties about my relationship with my husband.

When you’re considering this sign he doesn’t love you – which is how he “makes” you feel – be open to the idea that your own insecurities and fears affect how you think others see you.

4. He isolates you from your friends and family

This is a definite sign he doesn’t love you: he keeps you away from your loved ones. This is an unhealthy, dangerous practice that men who are abusive do to their partners.

Abusive men do everything they can to ensure their partners don’t spend time with friends or family. If your boyfriend or husband doesn’t want you to be with people who are important to you, then he isn’t loving you in a healthy way. It’s a sign he doesn’t love you, it’s a sign of a bad relationship, and it’s a sign you should leave him.

5. He steals from you – and uses you

Did you know that borrowing money without paying you back is stealing? So is using your car, gas, and other items without some sort of fair trade arrangement. If he uses your body, mind, and possessions without giving anything in return, then he doesn’t love you.

Listen to the still small voice. Don’t allow your wishes to carry your imagination away! Don’t let your yearnings control you. Be aware of the signs he doesn’t love you, and find ways to take care of yourself. Talk to your friends and family. Be honest about how your boyfriend or husband treats you.

It’s when you find out that he doesn’t love you that you need to surround yourself with love.

6. He doesn’t support your dreams

If your boyfriend or husband doesn’t encourage you to set and pursue your goals, if he doesn’t support your wildest hopes and dreams for your life, it’s a sign he doesn’t love you. If he doesn’t want you to succeed or achieve, then he’s not loving you. He’s dragging you down.

Are you and your partner supporting each other to grow emotionally, professionally, socially, personally? Do you encourage each other to take healthy risks and become more of who you are? Another sign of a healthy, loving relationship is compatible goals. If you and your boyfriend or husband are working towards something together, you’re more likely to be happy as a couple.

7. He lies to you – a big sign he’s not in love with you

Maybe he’s not lying when he says he wants your relationship to be different…maybe he wants to change, but he can’t. Or maybe he really is telling you lies, and maybe you keep believing him because you’re scared to be alone.

8 Signs He Doesn’t Love You

8 Signs He Doesn’t Love You

I don’t know if he’s lying to you, but I believe YOU know.

You might be afraid to face the truth. However, I know you’re courageous because you’re still here, reading the signs he doesn’t love you! Here’s an article I wrote about men who “talk the talk” but don’t “walk the walk”: When He Says He’ll Change – But Never Does.

8. He doesn’t listen to or respect you

Do you feel heard in your relationship? Does your partner listen when you talk, and communicate how he feels and what he thinks? This is the foundation of a healthy love relationship. Maybe it should be one of the first signs he loves you: he respects you, hears you, and values what you say, believe, and think.

What do you do if you recognize your boyfriend or husband in these signs he doesn’t love you? Talk to him.

“Open a conversation about your concerns, without anger and blame and without anxiously pursuing your partner for more togetherness than he wants,” writes Dr Lerner in Marriage Rules. “You need to use both wisdom and intuition to know when you can’t comfortable live with the status quo. When you feel you can’t, it’s vital to speak up about your concerns.”

How to Let Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Love You

signs he doesn't love youIf you know deep in your heart that he isn’t in love with you and you need to move on, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love. I wrote this ebook after losing my sister; I needed help letting go so I interviewed relationship counsellors and psychologists. I learned how to break free from the past and find peace in my life.

Don’t ignore the signs he doesn’t love you. Take a deep breath, square your shoulders, and believe that you are worth love. Ask God how He sees you. Ask Him to show you how beautiful, smart, brave, and precious you are. Ask Him for wisdom and guidance, and for clarity in your relationships.

Do you need to make changes in your relationship and your life, or are you content to stay where you are? If you’re content to stay where you are, then you might have to pretend you never saw these signs he doesn’t love you.

I welcome your thoughts below, but I can’t offer advice about your relationship or these signs he’s not in love with you. But still, I encourage you to write about how you feel! Writing is how we process our emotions, how we find and listen to the still small voice that knows what we need to do.


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38 thoughts on “8 Signs He Doesn’t Love You the Way You Need to Be Loved”

  1. I been with him 29 years.he tell me he triedoff me.he stop telling me he love and don’t give kiss nomore.go outside tonhis car talk to another lady on the phone.i told me he going move be he self.

  2. How to know if I should stay? 16 years together. As long as I don’t expect intimacy, physical hugs, kisses, etc I don’ think too much about it. It seems like everyday he is tired after work. Then on the weekends he plays golf for 4 hours, watches tennis, golf, football, etc and then on Sunday plays tennis for 2 hours.They are find activities but I feel as if I am considered last.I feel sad and that I don’t matter. We occasionally have a few chores that need to be done by him (My health) but he feels like I ask too much.I’m independent and do things on my own, that is not a problem, but I feel like in many ways we are roommates with occasional benefits. How do I solve this problem?

  3. Wow interesting feedback. Myself I’m 47 been with a guy for almost fivr years. Always a convenience..we broke up non officially for like six months and he had a relationship with a girl. He never ever told me had suspicions but never confronted him since I didn’t care. Well everything hit the fan.. . She broke up with him he lied saying the reason he was upset was his two daughters. Well a total lie.. it was all about her. He even wrote a letter to her and made me read it about his love for her. Well barf !!! But the absolutely worst part is I took him back.. it months too but I did but nke I’m done !! I was a strict convenience and that was alll. Haven’t heard from him now and I usually would by now. He’s washed his hands of the situation and so have I. But the worst part he is a coward he would never confront it.. I was the convenience when no one was. I am so sad about myself that I allowed this manipulating man to control me. They say life goes on and it does. Learned my lesson and need to let him go..

  4. I just had a big fight with my bf. We fought over trivial problems. I tried to calm him down and explain but he just wouldn’t listen. The problem with us from the start is that we don’t communicate and we both have been hurt before. He is my first bf so I do not know how to maintain a health BGR but I have been mediating and try my best to be loving yet he just won’t change and had became an angry person. All I do is cry whenever I see him. I blame myself too for being an uncaring gf from the start. I don’t ever talk to him or rely on him and I guess it’s too late now.

  5. I met this guy online, we talked for awhile we got married a year later. I spent one week with him in his country. We always text,call,Facebook everything you can think of. He told me how much he love me, everything was nice. Now he doesn’t show any affection, doesn’t satisfy me, or buy me things or give me money or take me out. I don’t think he loves me anyore, he told me I should go to gym and workout, this is not how you should love someone.

  6. If you’re seeing signs your boyfriend doesn’t love you, then you know he’s not the perfect guy for you. If you’re unhappy in your relationship and he makes you cry…then you know he’s not the one for you.

    Here’s an article that may help you see your relationship more clearly:

    8 Signs of the Perfect Boyfriend for You

    Be strong. Take heart. Know that you WILL be happy again!! You will – but first you need to heal from this relationship.

  7. I felt bored and felt alone ,I cried and cried and cried..I search on how to overcome my boredom and loneliness and I read on the related searches the tips to know if he doesn’t love you so I try to open and read it and I just wanted to say thank you for the tips given.Yes I need to be loved and to loved,but honestly the reason I am crying and felt sad is because one of the reason that my boyfriend is far from me,let’s say we are far from each other. I ask myself if he really loves me and he really the perfect guy for me or not..please help me to find out..I wanted to assure that I am not wasting my time on him to cry every night?please do some advice.

  8. My boyfriend for almost 13 years has told me he is not in love with me anymore. We moved in together almost 3 years ago, and things were fine in the beginning of me there. Although in the past, he has cheated and had children and affairs with other women but each and every time I have forgiven him. We have a small child together, and now I am feeling so lost. I am practically begging him to change his mind. What is wrong with me??

  9. I am an intelligent and educated women and wife. I thought that he loved this and all the other parts. He just stopped like turning a light switch and for three years it is just horrible. I an ready to start again and need all the assistance I can locate. This is so sad, I felt he was my best friend for at least 13 of the 17 years together. I will always cherish the good times but time to move on for me. I can only let go and take care of me and our son. Please pray for us and know better things will return.

  10. If you need help coping with the signs he doesn’t love you anymore, you need to get specific! What kind of help do you need? Then, you need to take a deep breath, square your shoulders, and find the help you need to get through this.

    When I realized that my boyfriend never loved me, I grieved. I was heartbroken for a couple of months – I felt like I was going to die. But then one day I got tired of feeling sorry for myself! I just got sick and tired of feeling like a dishrag.

    Grieve your pain. Accept that he doesn’t love you anymore. Then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start becoming the woman you were created to be.

    You are deeply loved, and you were created for a purpose. Your job is to figure out what that purpose is.

    Here’s what I wrote today:

    5 Ideas for Creating a Better Life – And So She Blossoms

  11. My husband and I have been married for 38 years now. He is a compulsive gambler. He racked up $80,000.00 of gambling debts. He filed for divorce 8 years ago but did not continue it. He wanted me to finish the divorce that he started because he does’nt have the money and too lazy to finish it. He has no knowledge and tolerance to go through the process. He wants people to do things for him and get money the easy way. I’m the breadwinner and more sense on the better things to do. He wanted $300,000.00 and use the money for gambling.I got mad and we continue to live together as married singles and I slowly separated our finances. He stopped working and applied for his own credit cards and used that for his gambling. I paid judgment lien on the house and transferred the deed to my name. Here’s the kicker. He was out of the country for 8 months and a few days before he came back I found out he was living with his mistress and he bought a small house in her name where they lived for 6 months. He was just fooled by this ugly woman and I gave him a choice to either stay and repair our marriage or go back and be out of our 3 kids and my life forever. He decided to stay and told that woman that it was a big mistake and he regretted what happened. He said sorry and that he loves us only to find out that he didn’t mean what he said. He’s a narcissist. I told him he can do whatever he wants if he would have an affair again because I do not have any control of what he would like to do and he can not hurt me and the kids any more financially. I told him to go but because he has no money so he sticks around for free food and lodging with me. This is my problem. I do not want him around but he has no place and money to go. His SS money he uses for gambling. I’m annoyed and irritated by his presence as he said he has no love for me and the kids because he lost love for himself when he had an affair. I need to learn how to cope with the situation I’m in now.Please help.

    1. Ive been in a similar circumstances. You need strength and prayers. Ask God in the name of Jesus to give you strength in your weaknesses, this is what he says in Bible. God commands the husband like Jesus loves the church. If he’s not doing what God orders a husband to do than you need to find a way to get him out permanent. Develop new friendships so you won’t be lonely, go to church. Begin a prayer life, pray for him. Seek therapy for you and children if they need. By all means you are doing you and your children a disservice keeping it around cause he shared some good times and some DNA. Sounds like you have nostalgia, remembering his good in the past. I’m sorry but it’s over. He is not the same person who you married he has changed cause he was bitten by that homewrecker and gambling. Don’t wait around f him to change, you change too. Join a fitness group. Put kids in afternoon sports. He is just wasting whatever time you have left. He wants you to drown with him but don’t. BE STRONG! Save yourself and forget about him and move forward,God bless. Hope this helped?

  12. I love my man, but he has been so busy he hardly texts me.once, maybe twice a week, one sentence.we live in different cities.now we don’t even see each other anymore.
    it’s not a relationship anymore.he has been’super busy’ for 3 MONTHS now.
    i know i have disappointed him, and i have been messing up in my own , professional life and he doesn’t like that.and he has been an angel for a long time.very patient.but still, if he wants to break up with me…why won’t he just do that?i asked him , confronted, i said i want him happy and if for now being without me will make him happy, let’s break up.
    but he wont.he just keeps me in this weird limbo, i am scared, i’m unhappy, he is waiting for me to make positive changes in my life and i am, i try hard, but it goes slow, day by day.i can’t fix depression, unemplyment, eating disorder in days.it’s aprocess and i am working.i just want his support and he chose to throw himself into way too much work and pretend life and me dont exist.he’s acting like i will soon emerge the way i was when he met me – strong, sexy and full of potential.it hurts so much.he’s been helping me a lot, and i guess he finally snapped.he aslo lost his dear, oldest friend recently and has been awfully distant about it while i try to support him.but we were very close.now it’s like…hes ghosting me.and he is not a man who would ghost a woman he is with. he’s kind, respectful, and sweet.to everyone, not just me.
    i just want him back.i don’t know what to do.

  13. Laurie,
    I am so glad I found your blog, it has been a guide, encourager and inspirational information. As I make transitions for a new beginning as my Father in heaven called it, Life’s RESET. I have a fresh start to take what I have learn and start over with better decision choices. I hope and pray that I have learned and apply these new decisions to create a more peaceful and happy life. I watch my marriage fall apart as scramble for glue or anything to keep it together but I realize I was the only one who wanted the marriage since my husband divorced me long time ago emotionally, spiritually and physically. As family and friends deserted me and plus being a full-time caregiver to elderly mother, I pressed more into the bosom of my DADDY GOD by praying and reading the Word of GOD which created a beautiful relationship withHim. I would not have made it without Him. Once I accepted my marriage was over, I had to make plans to change my life to live for me and Daddy GOD. I am learning not to look back what I had but looking forward to a more loving and productive life. Loving Daddy GOD with all my heart and loving myself. I liked what you said, “Men come and go, but your relationship with God and yourself is the most important relationship you’ll ever have. It doesn’t matter if your boyfriend or husband loves you; what’s most important is whether or not you love yourself enough to pursue a better, happier, healthier life.”
    Hebrews 13:5-6 NKJV
    [5] “…For He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ [6] So we may boldly say: “The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”

  14. I meet this man 7 years ago way back when I was still high school.I did everything to make her my boyfriend but we have this complicated turn in our relationships because I really felt that he doesn’t loved me and he just courted me because he knew that I like him since from the start. When I graduated in college our communication was backed and we continued our relationship because I loved him even I knew that for the past few years we didn’t meet he became a young father..but now I really decided to end our relationship even it hurts me. I know this is the better decision I would ever made for myself I hope he’ll just realize.

  15. My husband got angry with me yesterday bc he had gotten a friend request from a female (he gets lots of those), and I became friends with her even though I didn’t know her (but we had a few mutual friends). Anyway, that upset him. He said, “I don’t care about your social media, I don’t care who you friend request or not, and I don’t follow you!” Is that normal? Men really don’t care about who their significant other talks to? I really don’t know, he is my first and only boyfriend. I guess I’m stalking him, huh?

    1. Sounds like hubby is interested in a little more that’s why he doesn’t want you following. What’s the big deal if it’s nothing. He sounds sneaky, watch him. Being emotional over you friending a woman is clearly an indication that he wants privacy. He should not be friends with other women on Facebook that can’t friend you. Do you have lots of fun men friends. If not find some really cute model guys and ask them to friend you lots of them and see his emotions. Men tend to usually one sided until it’s done back to them. If you do this never tell your secret unless he clean his act up. He sounds like he lives like he still single. No you are not stalking him unless you want a threesome other women should know you’re watching your man or they will play and try and take him away. Y are they Facebooking your husband first of all. Are they his client s or coworkers????

  16. Oh wow, where do I begin. I have been married for almost 30 years now and I don’t know if I should finally leave my husband. Throughout the years I’ve caught my husband in little white lies but nothing that bothered me until I accidentally stumbled on an email he sent a young lady who wasn’t even 18 years old yet and he was 33 yrs old. In the email he was telling her that he was in high school and that they probably had mutual friends. He went on to tell her how beautiful her eyes were and how he would like to meet her. This email hurt me and surprised me because I would have never expected it! We weren’t having any problems, he showed me affection and I was showing my affections as well. Anyway, it hurt me because I didn’t even think our marriage was in trouble enough for him to go searching for someone else. That was in 2001 and I forgave and forgot. My trust in him was restored. Then in 2005 we got into an argument and he stormed out and went to a Gentlemen Club. I don’t know what he did there, but I forgave and forgot. Our relationship was pretty much tested in the following years because we lost our son to suicide the following year, he got out of the Army the year after that, and then the next following year my daughter left home (which was a huge lost for me as well). So then 10 months after my daughter left, my husband seeks out this 23 year old young lady (3 yrs younger than our daughter). I was oblivious to the relationship that was forming between my husband and this girl because he was taking me out everywhere. He was so nice to me, so I didn’t think anything was wrong …But boy was I wrong! Anyway, I found out about his affair accidentally when I called his job needing something and his boss said he was off that day. I even told his boss that he must have been mistaken because my husband was meeting with some inspectors. Well, I looked like the fool!!! My husband had been sending her love letter emails, buying her gifts and driving 60 miles to see her. Anyway, I was hurt again. This time this hurt was harder to repair, but I was doing my best to get over it until he lost my trust again the following year. This time he went on a website called IMVU and it was all virtual sex!!! He was on it for months and had gotten a bunch of ladies actual phone numbers and home addresses. He even bought a prepaid phone so I wouldn’t see any of their calls or texts to one another. I completely broke down! Again, he promised not to do this again and of course I forgave but this time I have a hard time forgetting. This brings me to today. I know it’s been 6 years since those incidence, but every now and then, I get terrified! I wish he would be more understanding when I tell him that I need some reassurance that we are ok …all he says is that was a long time ago and that he is trying. I know that he, but so I am I. Sometimes I wish he would just reassure me instead of getting mad and yelling. Maybe, it is me. Sometimes I don’t know why he just doesn’t leave. What do you think?

    1. oh my goodness why dont you leave him??????????????? he sounds like a complete tool and he’s making a fool of you. Sorry you sound so lovely, far too good for this loser!!!!. Leave him and find yourself someone else….or better yet…..DONT!!!! divorce and travel the world. Do you really want to spend the rest of years tangled up with somebody who doesn’t respect you and who you can’t trust. I think you have wasted enough years of your life on him….time to move on and explore new horizons!!!! he really doesn’t deserve your loyalty. Once a cheater always a cheater i’m afraid….they will ALWAYS have it in them and it will keep coming up in some way or another as the years tick along until he will one day finally drop you on your ass, and then where will you be? start preparing to leave him now. Start working on yourself please, you need to think more highly of yourself….how dare he treat you this way, you deserve better. And then from there hopefully you can gain the strength to face a world without him. Best of luck

  17. My case is complicated. Am 37 years old. I join him while he was studying in Malaysia. I have never been married in my life, I was arranged for him by both parents. We have 2 children and We have been together for 9 years and situation in our relationship have escalated since then. No flowers, no cards, no vacation,no jokes, no friends, no enery at home most especially when he have a bad day, hardly go out without the permission of the boss. My my life is boring, I feel worthless, he made me do all the house cores alone. He’s always outdoor but we lack communication. I have tried my best to let him know how I feel many times and in a day we hardly talk for 5 minute except when he needs sex at bedtime only. He doesn’t listen or respect my feelings at all and I have cried river but everytime he put blames on me that am a bad wife. Every day is a challenge. He have no affection or emotional connections for me. Now that am read this article made me feel, he have me for his personal convenience so that I can do laundry, clean the house, cook food and have sex at anytime he want. My gut tells me to leave but have no substantial finance. However I have been saving. May God help me because I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. Very difficult!

  18. I have never been married. I am 58 years old. My parents divorced and 3 of my 5 married siblings divorced.
    I truly believe that the right man has not come along for me, otherwise I would be married. I think I know who I am and why I expect from a man in a relationship. Reading these stories makes me certain that I have made the right choice. It is immpossible to have a successful marriage without both parties appreciating one another to the fullest and each knowing and trusting that the other feels the same. That has this far eluded me. So I have not yet been married.
    That said, I gave my last relationship all I had because I wanted so much for it to work out. After 4 years it ended very badly. He was unkind and I kept racking my brains wondering whatI had done wrong. I wish I could have turned the page sooner. I spent 3 plus years grieving over this, getting nowhere.
    I see very clearly now this man does not care for me. He may have at one time but when he told me he never wanted to speak to me again (I never understood why) he meant it. And he never has. Why I wasted so many tears over that guy I will never know. Thank goodness I did not marry him. He would have been a terrible husband.

  19. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Rejection is the most painful experience a human being can face. Being rejected by someone you love is even worse, because it directly affects how we feel about ourselves. The key to healing after realizing that someone doesn’t love us anymore is changing our self-identity to reflect who we are now, who we are becoming, and who we want to be.

    If you see your husband or boyfriend in these signs he doesn’t love you, take heart! Know that his feelings for you aren’t a reflection of who you are.

    Know that you WILL be loved again, if you can let this man go.

  20. Yes people get bored in marriage. However, I can respect someone a lot more if they will come to me and say, “Hey, I want to see other people” – ugh perhaps you would like a divorce first????

  21. I was in a relationship with a guy for nearly a year. The red flags were there because he stole money from me on
    our first date. I forgave him because he was very apologetic and my Pastor told me everyone deserves a second chance. As time went on he began going to church with me, introduced me to his family, and professed his love for me. Despite all this, he constantly lied and used me for money and stole from me two more times. I bought him clothes, tvs, three cell phones, jewelry, gave him money and even bought him a car. All the while he cheated on me but I foolishly believed him when he told me he wasnt seeing other women. Nine months later and he is now living with his ex and their two children driving around in the car that I bought him. I am hurt, sad, depressed and yet he continues to try to convince me that he loves me. I want to move forward but am having a hard time doing so. After all the time, love, and effort I put into this relationship Im left feeling like a fool. I dont know how to move forward and let go of his betrayal and my hurt.

  22. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Jason, thank you for sharing your perspective of how your marriage ended! I really appreciate your thoughts and advice.

    Sometimes we don’t know what we have until it’s gone…and then it’s too late. I hope you and your wife are able to save your marriage and rebuild your life together.

  23. As a husband who is losing his wife ( of 9 years) due to relationship neglect (mine), I painfully read these to see how my behavior may have been interpreted by my wife.

    The truth is, I have always loved my wife.. In fact, I love her more each year ( Think the song ‘then’ by Brad Paisley) . Our life isn’t perfect, and there are plenty of things to be sad/miserable about.. I didn’t realize the primary cause for her unhappiness was me. We would fight about “being ignored” or not being intimate enough, but it was just that. We have kids and bla bla bla, so our time together is limited. We would even joke that we are “working roommates”. *sometime* in the future we would finally reconnect and enjoy each other again (my hope/interpretation)

    It wasn’t until she came asking for a Divorce because her romantic feelings for me are gone did I realize what I had been doing wrong all of these years. It was different this time.. It wasn’t a fight, she wasn’t coming at me with Anger ( which puts me on defense) She was calmly, lovingly, and very matter of factly telling me that she no longer wants to be married. She gave me a handful of examples ~ including a Christmas Dinner she cooked and ate alone while I sat in the living room( she even took a picture from her plate, you can see my dumb head looking at a laptop through the kitchen).

    From that point on, my perspective changed.. I have been playing back the past several years since in my head, reeling in pain from each memory where she reached out, and I negligently, but unintentionally rejected her. In the blink of an eye, I went from “then” to “Red Light.”

    So here is my point, as I fight alone to save the relationship with the woman who is the center of my universe. I’m not even sure its relevant actually, but if she could see my heart, she would have never felt alone, or unloved one day in her life.

    I’m sure I have made her search for signs I don’t love her, and certainly did not make her feel cherished or ‘good enough’ <- that is probably my most egregious infraction. I've also certainly not listened and she perceived I do not respect her based on my behavior. Ive certainly never cheated, stole, or did anything to neglect her trust ~

    I don't have any good excuse why.. I compartmentalize everything in my life, then I attack the areas that "need work". She *understandably* perceives my lack of attention as apathy ~ grins and bears it, while being crushed inside, and cries when she is alone. My interpretation is everything is OK with marriage, moving on to things that need work. That obviously wasn't the case.

    If any of the above sounds like your man/situation, please sit him down (if you haven't already) and explain before its too late.

    I would give anything to go back in time and hold her when she needed it and it would actually matter.

    1. I’m currently in the same situation. I mean reading your story sounds like I’m my husband is writing this, except I haven’t given him divorce papers yet. I just wanted to know if she really never tried to tell you. I mean I talk, argue, fight, etc (basically have tried everything) to make him understand how unhappy I am. I just think most men take women for granted and think they are never going to lose them. Many just believe we are punching bags that have no other place to be. The sad thing is that women usually put up with way more than we should. We try and make our marriage work until our husbands literally beat the love out of us and then we get to a point of no return. Most women are black or white, there isn’t much Grey area. We usually can’t pretend we don’t care. It’s probably why most poker players are men. It’s just such a sad reality that we never realize what we have till we lose it. It’s really sad that your marriage could have probably been saved. By the way I have the same pictures of my husband on the computer or phone while I’m all alone.

      1. Hi Gianni,

        Yes, she did try and tell me, fight, etc – I’m 100% sure she tried every way she knew how to communicate with me. I would get angry/defensive because she was not accepting the way I love her and expecting her to…initiate? I guess for lack of a better word. Not even just sex, but affection etc if she is feeling down. Then when she did, I was always distracted with work or reading the internet or whatever.. I wasn’t happy, not with the marriage necessarily but in general. I could never figure out why I always felt alone + never got ‘recharged’ by spending time with my family. It was because when I was with my family, I was never there my brain was off doing other things.

        When she came at me, very matter of factly asking for divorce – she wasnt angry, she wasnt anything really. There were no emotions for me to ‘counter’, the gesture made me finally understand the gravity of the consequences of trying to put our relationship on ‘pause’. I was up most of the night thinking back in the past several years.. I could see how my actions in no way made sense to what was in my heart..

        I could also see I would talk to her the way I talk to myself (internal voice). I guess this is because she is so close to me, I didn’t even think about how I was communicating. For example, I would say things like “ambition really turns me on in a woman” when she was feeling bad about her appearance. My heart = she is the most beautiful and capable woman I know, what she heard = I must be talking about someone I work with ( She is a stay at home mom).

        I guess the blessing and curse in my case is that now that I understand the issue, it is so easy to fix.. In fact I am a much happier person doing it ( solved two problems). Curse is, as you mentioned Women are black or white, while our love is still intact ~ she has no interest in maintaining our marriage.

        In your case, maybe a talk with the seriousness but before the finality may help. I would move mountains if I could have a chance at our marriage again with this knowledge.

        Good luck

      2. This is so true. I saw that same picture in my head. I believe men marry, only for their wife to be like children. You really only have the rights of a child. Men teach their children how treat their spouses. He teaches the sons to take theirs wives for granted and theirs daughters to just live with it. It is a vicious cycle. Men marry for convenience not love.
        I asked my husband why did he marry me? He said, ” because I wanted a wife”. I thought to myself, is that all! There are other things I found out about him that I can no longer live with or have the strength to work on it or to fix it. Even the pain and hurt has really gone away. I just don’t feel anything now. I give myself one year to officially leave. I’ve been working toward my single life to be. I just need find myself again.

    2. In a loveless married

      Your story has hit home. I’m the wife who-grins and bears it- In the lasted year, we don’t go anyplace hardly unless he want’s to go. This is only when he on Vacation. If not I usually get a attitude. We have no hobbies, we don’t watch T.V together.
      We sit in too different rooms. Trust Me ! I gave it my all. I’m not saying he hasn’t did things here and there. But in the lasted years were nothing more them roommates. If we are in the same room, its no more then 15-30 mins. Just other night he had said to me, I just don’t know what to say anymore. It did hit home, I wasn’t mad. I just felt dead inside because I knew I tried. I can’t do anymore

  24. I was married for a little over 9 years, and all those years I never felt the love that I deserve from my ex-husband. The reason why I stayed that long because I was hopeful that it will work out. I was divorced by him last June 2015. He made me feel I’m the one who have problems, which leaves me doubts if I’m capable of loving someone. Him and his sister made me think that I am worthless. I am very stupid to think things will get better. Trying to prove myself I was a good wife. I hope no ladies will be like me.

  25. Ive been in a toxic relationship for going on five years. I’m only 21years old, I haven’t had any friends because he doesn’t “trust me”. He has friends. I’m only allowed to talk to my family on holidays because he thinks I’m plotting to leave him. We have two beautiful children together and one on the way. He never helps me, he always ignores me, he pushes me away, yet I know I’m way out of his league I’m afraid to leave because of our family.. He says he loves me, but actions are stronger than words

    1. @ miranda, after reading your comment, what popped out my mouth was “leave please”. he’s robbing you of your twenties. It happened to me too. now i’m 33 and trying to pick my life back. i have two kids for him and totally scared to have the third and 101% careful it doesn’t.
      I’m someone who loves life and i’ve decided i won’t give up my life for any man. it’s just not worth it. We all are in this world on different mission and for different purpose and have the right to our own lives. I need help especially financially to be able to cater for my kids and to get back on my feet and be that great woman. I know this help will come from God and he will send it fast.
      Best wishes.

  26. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Tiffany,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing how hard it is to cope when you know your boyfriend is cheating on you. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and looking for signs he doesn’t love you. I hear your pain, and I wish I had magic words to make things better.

    Giving advice isn’t my strength – I never feel comfortable telling people what to do. Plus, I believe you know better than anyone what your options are. That might be a good place to start, in fact. When you do make it through a day without falling apart, what sets it apart from the days that are bad?

    I can’t tell you what you should do, but I have recently written an article that might help:

    How to Survive a Loveless Marriage

    Another option is to reach out and talk to someone in person, so you can get the best possible help and support. Here is a list of national resources and hotlines that provide anonymous, confidential information to callers. They can answer questions and perhaps even give you advice.

    Phone Number: 800-442-HOPE (4673)

    Mental Health America – For a referral to specific mental health service or support program in your community
    Phone Number: 800-969-NMHA (6642)

    Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
    Phone Number: 800-826-3632

    I hope one of these organizations is able to give you the help you’re looking for. May you find peace, courage, strength, and healing as you move forward.

    Please do come back anytime, and tell me how you’re doing.


  27. I’m living with my boyfriend of 22 years and we have a older son together and I know he’s cheated on me and still is. I’ve tried to catch him for a year now but he’s just too sneaky. I don’t plan on leaving him. How do I live day to day and not fall apart everyday.

  28. I’m curious why you think most men cheat? I used to think that, too, but I now believe I’m wrong.

    I agree that it’s difficult to be married to the same person for decades, but if we’re taught that marriage is a choice that needs to be re-made every day, we can do it. Especially if we pick the right person to marry in the first place.

    These signs he doesn’t love you aren’t reasons to cheat, or even indications a man will cheat.

  29. Most men cheat and as our society changes, most women will too. The reasons are more than what’s listed above. People get bored; they want someone new and exciting, or at least someone who has other interests than their spouse. Marriage is an antiquated institution and it’s not possible in most instances to want to be with the same person for 30, 40 or more years. It just isn’t sexy. Not at all.