How to Know if You Should Get Back With Your Ex

Deciding if you should you try to get your ex back is easier when you take a step back and look objectively at your relationship. This lists of reasons should not consider getting back together will help you decide. You’ll also find the seven reasons you should get back with your ex helpful! Look at the pros and cons of getting back together carefully. Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.

If you decide that yes, you want to try to save your relationship then you may also benefit from my tips on how to get back together. If your decision is no (getting back together is not a good idea) then you’ll find my ideas for letting go of someone you love helpful. And don’t forget to read through the comments section! Sometimes reading about other people’s breakups can help you see your own relationship more clearly.

Here’s a good question to ask yourself: Are you scared to move on, or do you think you and your ex can build a healthy, strong relationship? The best way to know if getting back together is a good idea is by looking at your own fears, insecurities, and anxieties. Take a step back and look objectively at your motivations, personality, and lifestyle. Do you want to get back with your ex because you believe in your relationship, or because you’re scared to move on?

Another way to know if getting back together is a good idea:  Do you believe in your relationship enough to do whatever it takes to get back together? Sometimes it’s better to just walk away – especially if your ex is unhealthy or abusive. 

Only you can make these difficult decisions. Read through these reasons you should and should not consider getting your ex back. You may find it helpful to write about your thoughts and feelings .

Reasons you should not try to get your ex back:

  1. You feel lost, insecure, afraid, and lonely without your ex.
  2. Your ex was emotionally or physically abusive to you, your kids, or others.
  3. Your ex cheated on you or lied to you.
  4. You don’t trust your ex, but can’t explain why.
  5. Your ex has a toxic ex-wife or ex-husband who causes serious problems in your relationship.
  6. You want revenge. You feel bitter but you won’t let yourself admit it.
  7. Your ex puts his friends, hobbies, bad habits, or work ahead of you.
  8. Your ex doesn’t listen to you.
  9. Your ex doesn’t want you back, isn’t answering your phone calls or emails, and has told you to leave him or her alone.

Some women obsess about the relationship – even after their ex boyfriends say, “Leave me alone! I don’t want to see or talk to you ever again.” That’s a clear signal that you shouldn’t keep thinking about getting back together.

Are you obsessed with trying to get your ex back? Read Do You Think About Your Ex All the Time? 6 Ways to Stop Obsessing.

How to Know if You Should Get Back With Your Ex

Reasons you should try getting back together:

  1. You are 100% certain you broke up for the wrong reasons.
  2. You feel whole and healthy without your ex.
  3. Your ex supports your current plans, future goals, and life dreams.
  4. You had an argument or conflict about a specific issue, and you can see a healthy resolution.
  5. You have realistic expectations for getting back together, and for your future relationship.
  6. You and your ex can talk openly and honestly about the reasons you broke up and the possibility of getting back together.
  7. Your friends and family support your relationship (you shouldn’t try to get your ex back just for them, but if they don’t think you and your ex is a good match, then you need to listen to their reasons!)

Perhaps one of the most important ways to know if you should get back together is if something has changed in your relationship.

Before You Try to Get Back With Your Ex…

Sometimes the only way to know for sure if getting back together is a good idea is to try it! Are you and your ex both willing to work on your relationship, do what needs to be done to reconcile, and commit to at least six months of rebuilding your life?

What do you have to lose? Take time to think and talk about the potential downside of giving your relationship one more chance.

Let your heart and emotions settle

When you’re heartbroken because of a breakup, you’re not thinking clearly. That’s why it’s important to think about those reasons you should and should not get back together with your ex. You’re emotional, and you’re grieving the end of a relationship that was very important to you. It may even have been the focus of your life, and the reason you got up in the morning. If you recently broke up, your emotions are all over the place. You’re devastated, angry, confused, sad, bitter, and frustrated. This is not the best time to contact your ex and say you should try to get back together. Let your emotions settle down.

Figure out why you want to get your ex back

Before you read all the books and tips on how to get your ex back, think about your reasons for reconciliation. What do you miss about the relationship and your ex? In 5 Things to Do When You’re on a Relationship Break I share a variety of ways to get emotionally and spiritually healthy before re-entering a relationship. One of the best things to do is to be clear on your reasons for getting back together.

Consider what trusted friends say about getting back together

What do your trusted loved ones say about you and your ex getting back together? You don’t have to do what they say, but it can be valuable to pay attention to people we trust. When I broke up with an unhealthy boyfriend, I really wanted to get back together with him. I thought I’d die without him! But my best friend kept reminding me that it was a terrible relationship and that I’m better off without him. All I could think about was getting back together with my ex but my friends helped me see that the breakup was better in the long run.

Listen carefully to your ex before getting back together

You can’t control who loves you, who leaves you, who helps you, who betrays you. You can’t much in life, in fact! You might not be able to control whether or not you get your ex back, but you can listen carefully to what he tells you. If he says he never wants to get back together, remember that you can’t change his mind. You can sometimes change circumstances, and you can change your attitude and response to events and people…but you might not be able to change your ex’s mind about not getting back together.

Give yourself – and your ex – time to heal and think

One of the most important things to do when you’re detaching from someone you care about is to take a step back — though your instinct might be to move closer! Instead of crowding your ex, find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your love relationship, marriage, kids, and family members. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe by developing your own interests and life. This is difficult when you’re emotionally over-involved or even obsessed with the other person, but it’s so important.

For more tips, read 7 Ways to Know If Your Relationship is Worth Fighting For.

3 Suggestions for Letting Go of Your Ex

Maybe you know deep in your heart that getting back together isn’t a good idea. You don’t want to move on, but you know it’s time.

1. Focus on accepting the breakup. Accepting and surrendering to your life is painful, but it will help you heal. Are you tempted to call or contact your ex even though you know it’s not a good idea? Read How to Be Strong About Not Getting Back Together.

2. Take time to grieve the end of your relationship. Allow yourself to heal slowly. Good and bad days are normal when you’re letting go. You’re grieving the end of love, as well as your hope of getting back together. You’re not just grieving a breakup, you’re letting go of your dreams of a life together. When you love someone, letting go is like tearing away a part of yourself. The pain is intense.

3. Know that “this, too, shall pass.” You won’t always feel this bad about not getting back together with your ex. You will heal. It’ll be hard at first, especially if you’ve built your world around someone else. That’s part of the problem, never lose yourself in someone else. Do things with friends, explore your passions, and do activities that define you. Take a class or an activity you always wanted to.

how to let go of someone you love

In How to Let Go of Someone You Love I share three powerful ideas and 75 tips for healing your heart. I also describe how other women coped with letting go, and offer suggestions for rebuilding your life. Learning to let go, no matter how deeply you loved your ex, is essential if you want to grow forward.

Accepting the end of a relationship is a long, difficult process. But this doesn’t mean you have to suffer, and it doesn’t mean you have to go through this alone.

What do you think – should you try to get back together with your ex? Your thoughts are welcome below. I won’t tell you what to do, but writing might help you see yourself – and your life – more clearly.

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” Ernest Hemingway.


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25 thoughts on “How to Know if You Should Get Back With Your Ex”

  1. I just left my husband yesterday. I still love him so much. The reason we decided to part ways was because I couldn’t see myself in the future he wanted. I want to travel and see the world, and he wants to have children and take care of his families ranch. But I instantly felt regret leaving him the second I got to my brothers house (where I will be living for a while). And I had months of going back and forth on deciding if I should leave my husband or not, but I never really gave him a chance to hear what I wanted out of life and see if we could make something work. I almost decided for him. I don’t know how much compromise is too much compromise though. We have been together for 6 years. He is my person and again, I love him dearly and I truly did love the life we created together. But I felt like I wanted more, but didn’t take any action to have more because I felt confined by the relationship. But now I’m starting to see more clearly that I didn’t give him a chance to let my dreams of what my life could be, be fulfilled within the relationship. I just gave up. And I have read a lot of forums and people whom have left their husbands saying the felt sadness of course, but also so much relief. And I feel absolutely no relief, only regret. I want to go back so badly. I want to fix what has been broken. And I want to move on with him, in our life together.

  2. I’ve been divorced from my ex husband for 8 years. He was a drug addict and I cheated on him. Up until recently we tried to reconcile our marriage a few times but he went back to drugs, I said degrading things to him, and we wouldn’t talk for a year. Now he’s clean and doing better, but he met someone at church, had sex, fell in love, and is happy with her. He broke it off with her 2 weeks ago because he still needs to work on himself (drug relapse). He also led me to believe that we had a chance at getting back together but he’s still in love with his recent ex girlfriend and I found out, after I poured my heart out and endlessly cried for days, he only wanted to be civil for the children. Both me and the new ex girlfriend want to be with him but he says he doesn’t know who. I still love him so much but I know he doesn’t love me and would rather get his life together and be with this new person. It’s appearant he is still struggling with addiction. What do I do? I can’t eat, sleep, think, nothing! I’m hurt, lost, and confused.

  3. Dear Marisa,

    I’m sorry your husband left you – especially after all you’ve been through together! And the shock of not expecting your husband to become an “ex-husband” can be overwhelming. Experiencing the end of a marriage is painful and difficult, and it takes a long time to recover from the grief.

    May your heart heal and your spirit find refreshing streams of life as you continue to grieve the end of your marriage. May you find peace and healing, wisdom and clarity as you move forward in your life. May you trust that your life is unfolding this way for a reason, and may you surrender to the idea that this, too, will pass and you will be happy again.

    And may your heart be filled with the peace that surpasses all understanding. May you reconnect with the engine that hums beneath everything that happens in the universe, and may you dip into God’s rich and deep flow of love, peace, and joy.

  4. Reading this article helped give me more perspective in a time where I am trying to find strength within me. My husband left me. Left me after spending 10 days with his parents in a different state because his father was dying of cancer. He came back and 1 hour from getting off the plane told me he didn’t want to be married anymore and wanted me gone. Now, let me tell you, He and I have sacrificed a lot this past year through financial hardship. We sold our house, I sold my business and we moved because he didn’t want to live where we were anymore. He injured his back and I worked 2 jobs 7 days a week for a year to cover our finances. He returned to his job (which is back where we used to live since it’s seasonal) and asked me to join him. So I did. 2 weeks we were reunited. Then he went to visit his parents and returned only to pull the rug out from our marriage. I am shocked. Devastated. I did not see this coming at all. So, here I am. No husband. Still working to support the bills. Living in his parents 3rd home because I have no where to go. I am lost. Heartbroken. And he took one of the dogs. His father has since passed away in December. I see a counselor but he refuses. I am grieving and my heart wants so much to reconcile and navigate through this. I have no answers. No explanation. He stared off stating he wanted a separation. And 2 months later it turned into “I won’t come back to you and I don’t want to get back together”. Still I have no reasons, or anything from him. No emotion. No nothing. It is so hard because this person, this man, is not someone I know. 10 days. 10 days. The last time he said he loved me was on the phone while he was gone. Then this.

    1. Omg i am dealing with a similar situation. How do you just change? I have been told several reasons at different times all blaming me. I don’t know if I should try to get my ex back, he refuses to talk about our breakup. My son has regressed, he is the one who cares yet is angry at me. Changed positions or jobs entirely, ive reached out to his parents and sister with no reply. We were fighting alot. In jan i started to ask if i should prepare for him to leave because I saw a change in his casual time with me. Many nights i cries and couldn’t bring myself to lie next to him bit each time i asked he said heck no, your my best friend ect. A month before he dropped us off he had an appointment with a realtor (our lease up the end of that month) and i told him, is it smart with us fighting? He said he’ll never leave me and our son. We got closer that last month, well 3 weeks. The sunday before our last 5 days i startes to pack, i then noticed hes taken his legal paper workb birth, social, our sons things. He was getting ready to ironically go to his newlywed sisters housewarming gathering and i broke oit into tears when i implored, ” are you coming back don’t have me worried if your walking out”…my knees up on the couch he came to me grabbed my legs looked me dead in the eye and said he would never leave. He couldnt imagine lying alone at night. Coming hime to us waiting was all he wver wanted. Then thay friday he tells me hes not coming with us. He came the next day and for 5 weeks hed come home so late then comfort and console me. He also bails on our plans. Not sure what questions to even ask about getting my ex back!!

  5. Dear Ashley,

    Is it possible to do both? That is, can you be open to the possibility of reconciliation and at the same time start rebuilding your life without your husband?

    Think of it as being open to whatever God brings into your life. You don’t know what the best thing for you and your husband is…but God does. So, what if you lived in an open-hearted, open-minded way that allows for anything to happen in the future?

    This doesn’t mean you just sit passively and wait. This means you move forward in your life, you start healing and letting go, you continue growing emotionally and spiritually, and you accept each moment for what it brings.

    I wrote this article with you in mind:

    How to Keep the Faith When Love Hurts

    What do you think about remaining open, yet moving forward in your life? It does get easier, I promise :-)


  6. Hi there, great article. My husband left about 2 months ago. We’ve been together for 13 years and married for 4. Marital problems for about 2 years. Without getting too detailed on the issues, I wanted advice on whether or not to let go or keep the faith that we will get back together.

    My husband left me and it sounds very final to him. I asked him if he thought there was hope to reconcile and he said he honestly doesn’t know. All comments (not that there has been much communication) has pointed towards it being final.

    I tried so hard to save the marriage and after 8 weeks of separation, I still don’t feel like this is right. I also understand that it’s still early and I am probably in denial.

    How do you suggest I proceed? Do I keep faith that we will reconcile or do I work towards the relationship ending? I want so badly to hold onto hope but I also wonder if that’s coping mechanism to shield me from the pain of loss.

    Thank you,

  7. Dear Caroline,

    I’m sorry for what you’re going through; it’s so difficult to experience a breakup! Even if you know deep down he’s not the right person for you, it’s still painful and sad. Losing a relationship hurts, and it takes time to grieve and let go.

    I wrote How to Let Go of Someone You Love to help people heal:

    In that ebook, you’ll find over 80 ways to deal with grief and move forward. You might also consider joining my newsletter, as we focus on becoming emotionally and spiritually strong and healthy.


  8. Hi
    I have been in a relationship with a guy on and off for 6 years, and I always initiate breaking up. Now the tables have turned he has now left me and the pain I am experiencing is overwhelming. My marriage previous to the relationship ended after my husband left me for another woman, I now recognise although 8 years have passed I have never dealt with my feelings/emotions . Now it’s as if it has caught up with me and I need to deal with this, however I now feel this pain is multiplied. How can I process my darkest fears, feeling of rejection is too hard to bear at times. Please can you help me heal?

  9. your absolutely right. Acceptance doesnt have to be self cruelty, wondering why and what happened. it can be freeing. its an opportunity to get to know yourself a little deeper than before, now without this person who was made a part of you. you can fully enjoy yourself and now your new and now better even stronger you! Its definetly one step at a time. Look at the endless opportunities except your current situation. Situation is momentarily, Opportunity and a beginning is longlived….

  10. My ex of 5+ years broke up with me mostly because I was emotionally immature and I had only learned I became toxic after the break up. I’m working on myself tremendously (therapy, self help articles, books, websites) to recover who I am and I feel confident that I can become the person I lost in the relationship. I can answer the questions of why we should get back, but people would not necessarily talk me put of getting him back, but they’d bring up the fact he was my first everything. I don’t know how much of that I should take into account. I don’t know if I should contact him down the line or that he might. For now I’ll stay silent and focus on myself.

  11. i like your questions to ask before you try to get your ex back, i was surprised thwt my ex girlfriend just calle dit a day,we chatted for 3 months,then decided to commit to full time dating,we loved each others company,and spend a lot of quality time together,then we went away on holiday and had a stupid argument, both then stepped back for 4 days, i then went to her work with a HUGE bunch of flowers, and said that she meant the world to me….a stupid move….but i felt good, she then send me an sms and said that the disagreement wasnt major,but personality traits associated with it was, and there was irreconcilable differences,,,,?? And she set her mind to being friemds only….? That shocked me abit, i stepped back for a week,and been lookimg at phycological aricles for answers,as compromise,and working with solutions seems to be the answer to resolving and reconcile the relationship,im prepared to meet her half way….yet she is still being stubin…i feel within that it could work,but i cnat do it alone

    1. Another question to ask before you try to get your ex back, ask her how she feels about you…cooperate with her, and try changing…don’t get me wrong I didn’t say change ur whole life…if an argument accurs you just let her win……remind her how much you love her….take baby steps……..dont try kiss her r iu go 90% n she dont go the rest she isnt ready…..never give up on love

  12. My fiance and I have been togethere for 8 years. He has this problem.he gets mad alot.he changes into a complete different person.and sometimes hurts me physically and emotionally.but the other times he is the sweetest person and we love eachother alot. 1 week ago he really hurt my feelings and disrespected me. Im really hurt. I havent talked to him in like 3 days but i want to. What should i do ? He is waiting an answer from me.

  13. I have been married a year and a half. I left my husband a month ago. He has a serious alcohol problem and was very mentally abusive. Since i left he has been sober and and begging me to come home. I just dont know what to believe. I left once before and he was sober five weeks. He has a 3 year old and i am the only mother she has known. She too was a hugh problem in our marriage. She is very manipulatuve and lies constantly (yes at 3) and we would fight cause he wouldn’t discipline her and didnt like me to…therefore she ran our house. My gut says no but he’s pushing so hard and promising changes.

  14. I was with someone for 5 years and he was all I’ve ever known really but then he started to lie to me and got into the wrong crowd. He ended the relationship and I wouldn’t accept it and kept begging for him back. After he told me to move on I accepted it and started to enjoy having no worries. Then he turned up and said he had made a mistake and wanted me back. After a while I gave him another chance but can’t let go of how much he’s hurt me and often don’t want him to even touch me and find myself being nasty to him. I don’t want to loose him but feel split between the future I had always dreamed of with him or being young and carefree something I’ve never had chance to experience. I’m lost on what to do and my boyfriend is doing everything to stay with me. Help?

  15. Dear Doreen,

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing about your relationship. It sounds like you’re ready to forgive, move on, and rebuild your life. That’s awesome! You know you shouldn’t try to get your ex back — and you’re providing hope and courage to others by being here.

    My prayer is that you find the strength, courage, and support you need to learn to love yourself again. If you connect with God and draw on His peace, love, compassion, and grace then it doesn’t matter what man does or doesn’t love you! If you are strong spiritually and emotionally, you will be drawn to a healthy man and build a good relationship with him. May you find the strength and hope you need to be filled with peace, love, and light.


  16. you woudnt call it a relationship as such, this guy wouldnt take me out, said he doesnt take women out, and is so friendly with an ex girlfriend it sicken me. Whatever we had was useless, and I hate myself for having anything to do with him, he was so rude, and would come around to me for a few minutes, anyway yesterday, i sent him a text as I am not well saying “time is precious to me and in order for me to love myself again i am prepared to forgive, I wasnt a bowl of laughs over the last 1.5 years, cos of circumstances, and I hope you have it in your nature to forgive also” I just wanted to finalise things. but true to form he never answered, he was a user. now I realise what a “jerk” he really was, and I am glad to be rid of him, but I have to learn to love myself again, regardless and if he cant learn to forgive, so be it.

  17. Dear Aj,

    Sometimes the hardest thing we have to do is the right thing. If you feel that it’s better for both you and your boyfriend to break up, then you need to be strong. It’ll hurt you to set him free, but it’ll hurt you more to stay in a relationship and be unhappy.

    Give yourself — and him — time and space to breathe and think and live. Don’t think about trying to get him back yet, just think about living your life. Who do you want to be, where do you want to go, and how do you want to spend your life? Don’t be all about him, be about YOU. When you’re healthy and happy, you’ll attract the right man.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. It’s hard to break up with someone you love…but sometimes it’s the best thing you can do.

    In peace and passion,

  18. Hi,
    My boyfriend and I recently quarreling about the TIME. Until I walked out on him, I don’t know if I can really let him go, but I am having a hard time to let go of him because i love him. But I wanted too so that he will never suffer anymore on giving his time with me and to face his all problems. I’ve hurt when he is keep on telling that he can’t do the things to fix his problems because he don’t have a time to do it because he’s always with me. I felt that he’s always wasting his time to spent on me instead doing his thing about his problems. I felt that i am the burden of his life. Now, I wanted to break up with him but I am having a hard time to do it and the decision will come from me. I wanted to set him free so he can use and get his own time for himself and to his problem. Please advise. Please help. Thanks.

  19. Thanks for your comments, Kim. I agree, that couples don’t try to work things out. But, before they think about if they should try to get their ex back, they need to really think about if it’s the right thing to do.

    Should you try to get your ex back?

  20. I recon people these days don’t even try as there is always someone else lining up. As soon as they hit a hard patch they break up instead of acting like an adult. Great examples parents set for their children also going from one relationship to another. If we went back to the old fashion ways maybe this wouldn’t happen. As the saying goes why buy the cow when they are supplying the milk.

  21. I wrote an article and ebook about letting go of someone you love, and it’s one of my most popular articles. Most people would rather try to get their ex back, instead of moving on.