Breakups > How to Know if You Should Get Back With Your Ex

How to Know if You Should Get Back With Your Ex

Should you try to get your ex back? These reasons you shouldn’t even think about getting back together will help you decide. You’ll also find the seven reasons you should get back with your ex helpful! Look at the pros and cons of getting back together carefully. Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.

If you decide that yes, you want to try to save your relationship then you may also benefit from my tips on how to get back together. If your decision is no (getting back together is not a good idea) then you’ll find my ideas for letting go of someone you love helpful. And don’t forget to read through the comments section! Sometimes reading about other people’s breakups can help you see your own relationship more clearly.


Here’s a good question to ask yourself: Are you scared to move on, or do you think you and your ex can build a healthy, strong relationship? The best way to know if getting back together is a good idea is by looking at your own fears, insecurities, and anxieties. Take a step back and look objectively at your motivations, personality, and lifestyle. Do you want to get back with your ex because you believe in your relationship, or because you’re scared to move on?

Another way to know if getting back together is a good idea:  Do you believe in your relationship enough to do whatever it takes to get back together? Sometimes it’s better to just walk away – especially if your ex is unhealthy or abusive. 

Only you can make these difficult decisions. Read through these reasons you should and should not consider getting your ex back. You may find it helpful to write about your thoughts and feelings .

Reasons you should not try to get your ex back:

How to Know if You Should Get Back With Your Ex
  1. You feel lost, insecure, afraid, and lonely without your ex.
  2. Your ex was emotionally or physically abusive to you, your kids, or others.
  3. Your ex cheated on you or lied to you.
  4. You don’t trust your ex, but can’t explain why.
  5. Your ex has a toxic ex-wife or ex-husband who causes serious problems in your relationship.
  6. You want revenge. You feel bitter but you won’t let yourself admit it.
  7. Your ex puts his friends, hobbies, bad habits, or work ahead of you.
  8. Your ex doesn’t listen to you.
  9. Your ex doesn’t want you back, isn’t answering your phone calls or emails, and has told you to leave him or her alone.

Some women obsess about the relationship – even after their ex boyfriends say, “Leave me alone! I don’t want to see or talk to you ever again.” That’s a clear signal that you shouldn’t keep thinking about getting back together.

Are you obsessed with trying to get your ex back? Read Do You Think About Your Ex All the Time? 6 Ways to Stop Obsessing.

Reasons you should try getting back together:

  1. You are 100% certain you broke up for the wrong reasons.
  2. You feel whole and healthy without your ex.
  3. Your ex supports your current plans, future goals, and life dreams.
  4. You had an argument or conflict about a specific issue, and you can see a healthy resolution.
  5. You have realistic expectations for getting back together, and for your future relationship.
  6. You and your ex can talk openly and honestly about the reasons you broke up and the possibility of getting back together.
  7. Your friends and family support your relationship (you shouldn’t try to get your ex back just for them, but if they don’t think you and your ex is a good match, then you need to listen to their reasons!)

Perhaps one of the most important ways to know if you should get back together is if something has changed in your relationship.

Before You Try to Get Back With Your Ex…

Sometimes the only way to know for sure if getting back together is a good idea is to try it! Are you and your ex both willing to work on your relationship, do what needs to be done to reconcile, and commit to at least six months of rebuilding your life?

What do you have to lose? Take time to think and talk about the potential downside of giving your relationship one more chance.

Let your heart and emotions settle

When you’re heartbroken because of a breakup, you’re not thinking clearly. That’s why it’s important to think about those reasons you should and should not get back together with your ex. You’re emotional, and you’re grieving the end of a relationship that was very important to you. It may even have been the focus of your life, and the reason you got up in the morning. If you recently broke up, your emotions are all over the place. You’re devastated, angry, confused, sad, bitter, and frustrated. This is not the best time to contact your ex and say you should try to get back together. Let your emotions settle down.



Figure out why you want to get your ex back

Before you read all the books and tips on how to get your ex back, think about your reasons for reconciliation. What do you miss about the relationship and your ex? In 5 Things to Do When You’re on a Relationship Break I share a variety of ways to get emotionally and spiritually healthy before re-entering a relationship. One of the best things to do is to be clear on your reasons for getting back together.

Consider what trusted friends say about getting back together

What do your trusted loved ones say about you and your ex getting back together? You don’t have to do what they say, but it can be valuable to pay attention to people we trust. When I broke up with an unhealthy boyfriend, I really wanted to get back together with him. I thought I’d die without him! But my best friend kept reminding me that it was a terrible relationship and that I’m better off without him. All I could think about was getting back together with my ex but my friends helped me see that the breakup was better in the long run.

Listen carefully to your ex before getting back together

You can’t control who loves you, who leaves you, who helps you, who betrays you. You can’t much in life, in fact! You might not be able to control whether or not you get your ex back, but you can listen carefully to what he tells you. If he says he never wants to get back together, remember that you can’t change his mind. You can sometimes change circumstances, and you can change your attitude and response to events and people…but you might not be able to change your ex’s mind about not getting back together.

Give yourself – and your ex – time to heal and think

One of the most important things to do when you’re detaching from someone you care about is to take a step back — though your instinct might be to move closer! Instead of crowding your ex, find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your love relationship, marriage, kids, and family members. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe by developing your own interests and life. This is difficult when you’re emotionally over-involved or even obsessed with the other person, but it’s so important.

For more tips, read 7 Ways to Know If Your Relationship is Worth Fighting For.

3 Suggestions for Letting Go of Your Ex

Maybe you know deep in your heart that getting back together isn’t a good idea. You don’t want to move on, but you know it’s time.

1. Focus on accepting the breakup. Accepting and surrendering to your life is painful, but it will help you heal. Are you tempted to call or contact your ex even though you know it’s not a good idea? Read How to Be Strong About Not Getting Back Together.

2. Take time to grieve the end of your relationship. Allow yourself to heal slowly. Good and bad days are normal when you’re letting go. You’re grieving the end of love, as well as your hope of getting back together. You’re not just grieving a breakup, you’re letting go of your dreams of a life together. When you love someone, letting go is like tearing away a part of yourself. The pain is intense.

3. Know that “this, too, shall pass.” You won’t always feel this bad about not getting back together with your ex. You will heal. It’ll be hard at first, especially if you’ve built your world around someone else. That’s part of the problem, never lose yourself in someone else. Do things with friends, explore your passions, and do activities that define you. Take a class or an activity you always wanted to.

how to let go of someone you love

In How to Let Go of Someone You Love I share three powerful ideas and 75 tips for healing your heart. I also describe how other women coped with letting go, and offer suggestions for rebuilding your life. Learning to let go, no matter how deeply you loved your ex, is essential if you want to grow forward.

Accepting the end of a relationship is a long, difficult process. But this doesn’t mean you have to suffer, and it doesn’t mean you have to go through this alone.

What do you think – should you try to get back together with your ex? Your thoughts are welcome below. I won’t tell you what to do, but writing might help you see yourself – and your life – more clearly.

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” Ernest Hemingway.

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24 thoughts on “How to Know if You Should Get Back With Your Ex”

  1. I’ve been divorced from my ex husband for 8 years. He was a drug addict and I cheated on him. Up until recently we tried to reconcile our marriage a few times but he went back to drugs, I said degrading things to him, and we wouldn’t talk for a year. Now he’s clean and doing better, but he met someone at church, had sex, fell in love, and is happy with her. He broke it off with her 2 weeks ago because he still needs to work on himself (drug relapse). He also led me to believe that we had a chance at getting back together but he’s still in love with his recent ex girlfriend and I found out, after I poured my heart out and endlessly cried for days, he only wanted to be civil for the children. Both me and the new ex girlfriend want to be with him but he says he doesn’t know who. I still love him so much but I know he doesn’t love me and would rather get his life together and be with this new person. It’s appearant he is still struggling with addiction. What do I do? I can’t eat, sleep, think, nothing! I’m hurt, lost, and confused.