This is one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make: “Should I marry him?” Go slowly, and consider my reader’s story and my tips when you’re deciding if you should marry him.
Read Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married by Gary Chapman. It’s packed with wisdom and tips that will help you develop the loving, supportive, mutually beneficial marriage you’re longing for. I’m glad you’re asking if you should marry your boyfriend or fiance, because marrying the wrong man will cause so much pain and suffering. Read the comments on my blog posts, and remember that most of these women ignored red flags and warning signs before they married their husbands. Your husband can make the rest of your life miserable. Don’t rush into this decision.
Here’s what a reader said on one of my most popular relationship articles: “I am 45 years old and never been married,” Julie says on 5 Stages of Leaving a Relationship. “I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He was separated when we met and is now finally getting a divorce next week. I am scared to marry him now. He has been mentally abusive since we met, but he drank. I knew sometimes his actions were from drinking. He left and I broke up with him for two months. He wrote me all these letters and even promised he’d stopped drinking. We got back together now for 8 months. I do see he has stopped drinking and really tried to change. He overall is better to me but still has times that he lashes out then tells me I justify all my actions like it’s always my fault. Should I marry him?”
Julie adds that she accidentally woke him up after he had a long, stressful day at work. He blasted her, argued, and locked her out of the room. She tries to trust him but then her heart is broken again and again. He has nowhere to live yet he says ugly things to her. She loves him, and says he’s changed a lot. He doesn’t hurt her regularly now…he only hurts her here and there.
Should I Marry Him?
“I told him last night I didn’t deserve to be treated like that and I loved myself to much to let him continue,” she says. “So he called me this morning and apologized but the damage is already done. I wanted to throw him out last night but I didn’t. I am thinking of breaking up with him and letting go, but I don’t want to end up alone. I’ve never married or had children. I’m scared. When I think about our future, including getting mentally abused, I get upset. I want to get married, but should I marry him? I keep praying he’ll finally change completely and treat me the way I deserve. I don’t want to end up like the woman of these post that marry someone and spend years in this. I can’t live like that. In my heart I know I deserve better. My head tells me let go but my heart says stay.”
No, Julie, you should not marry him. You have a big heart and you love him. You know you’re more valuable than the way he’s treating you! You are 100% right when you say you deserve better. You are a smart woman and you know where this is headed.
You know this won’t be a good marriage. If you marry him, he will go back to drinking, he will become even more mentally abusive, and he won’t change.
How to Know if You Should Marry Him
Here are a few things all women should consider when asking “should I marry him?” You need to be honest with yourself, especially if deep down you know you’re settling for less than you deserve in your relationship.
Don’t marry him if you’re already making excuses for him
Is your boyfriend is doing things that you make excuses for because he’s drunk, stoned, tired, stressed or enraged? You and he are both allowing him to hide behind the addiction or the problem. He’s not taking responsibility for his actions if you both allow him to hide behind his problems.
If you’re making excuses to explain away his behavior now, then you’ll have to make bigger excuses to explain his behavior later. Then, your kids will be involved and you’ll have to teach them how to make excuses for their father’s behavior. At least then, when your daughter asks if she should marry your boyfriend, you’ll know what to tell her.
Don’t marry him if you can’t tell your mom what he does
Are you hiding your boyfriend’s behavior? If you can’t tell your friends and family how he treats you or what he says to you, then you should not marry him. If you’re ashamed of yourself because of how he treats you, then you should not marry him. He is projecting his insecurities, problems, and emotional issues onto you.
All marriages are hard work, and all couples tend to let things slip after they get married. The honeymoon ends (remember that your fiancé or boyfriend is on his best behavior right now!). We get even more stressed, tired, and grouchy after we’ve been married a year or more.
If you’re keeping your boyfriend’s actions and words a secret now, then you will be working even harder in the future to hide what he does.
If you’re scared to marry him – if you have any doubts whatsoever – then you should NOT marry him. Listen to your gut instincts! Heed those red flags. If you’re worried about even just one warning sign of a bad relationship, then don’t marry him.
The weekend before our wedding, I asked myself if I should marry him. I spent the whole weekend thinking, praying, and worrying about this decision. My husband is a good man, and he treats me like gold. I wasn’t scared to marry him because of him; I was scared of marriage in general. So I talked to a counselor and learned the difference between my own issues and warning flags in a man’s behavior.
Are you asking yourself “should I marry him?” because of his behavior or because of your own emotional issues?
Lift your eyes up
Ask your Heavenly Father for wisdom and guidance. Father God, you created me and you love me deeply. You want the best for me: a loving man, an adventurous marriage, and a prosperous life. You want to bless me, not to harm me. You want security, freedom, and joy for me!
Jesus, You give peace and love, grace and comfort. You don’t give strife, conflict, fear, or insecurity. All good things come from You, Father God. We need only receive with gratitude and trust. We love You.
Tell me what you think. Should you marry him? Be honest. I can’t give advice, but if you write your true feelings, you may find the answer you need.
If you’re looking for practical tips to help you decide if you should marry him, read Premarital Questions – What You Need to Ask Before the Wedding.
Is your relationship in trouble? Get 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage from relationship coach Mort Fertel. It's free and helpful, no strings attached.
Need encouragement? Sign up for my weekly "Echoes of Joy" email - it's free, short, and energizing. Like me!