How to Leave Your Husband

This advice on how to leave your husband will help you figure out what steps to take. The first step is making the decision that leaving your husband is better than staying married. The second step is realizing that divorce will be painful, no matter how bad your marriage is.

How to Leave Your HusbandLearning to Leave: A Women’s Guide by Lynette Triere and Richard Peacock is the first book you should read if you want to know how to leave your husband. If you’re thinking about leaving your husband, you need to learn as much about separation and divorce as possible.  This book is informative and comprehensive, and it’ll teach you how to get through a divorce. Learning to Leave will help you deal with anger and fear, choose a lawyer, talk to your husband, help children through the divorce, think about employment opportunities, and more.

Talk to a marriage counselor or marriage coach about how to leave your husband. See your pastor or spiritual leader. You’re not looking for someone to tell you what you should do; you’re looking for wise counsel to help you make the right decision. You might even consider joining a divorce support group, and talk to people about their decision to divorce or separate.

And, take a look at these signs that a marriage is worth fighting for. They may help you make the decision only you can make.

“A divorce is like an amputation; you survive it, but there’s less of you.” ~ Margaret Atwood.

How to Leave Your Husband

The tips in this article are intended to help women decide if they should leave their husbands. If you already know you want to leave, read How to Leave a Man You Love – But Can’t Live With.

“There are certain factors that suggest a relationship is workable and salvageable,” writes Susan Pease Gadoua in Contemplating Divorce. “There are other factors in marriages that, if present, indicate a low probability that the relationship will be healthy or fulfilling. I call these workability factors.”

Here’s a list of Gadoua’s signs of unhappy marriages, specifically related to safety, love, and esteem needs (based on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs).

You might want to know how to leave your husband if your marriage contains…

  • Lack of trust
  • Pathological dishonesty
  • Lack of mental, emotional, physical, or financial safety
  • Mistreatment
  • Lack of communication

You might stay in your marriage if your trust was broken but is reparable, if there’s a mutual desire to create a safe environment, if there is care, concern, and communication.

It may be time to leave your husband if your love needs aren’t being met because of…

  • Absence of mutual love
  • Infidelity
  • No shared interests
  • One or both spouses aren’t fully committed to the marriage
  • One-sided relationship

If you’re considering divorce, you might think about fighting for your marriage if there is a foundation of mutual love, if both partners are willing to work through physical or emotional infidelity, and if both spouses are willing to recommit to staying married.

Need encouragement?

Sign up for my free weekly Blossom Tips!

* indicates required

If you’re worried about what happens after divorce, read Can Divorced Partners Be Friends?

You might need to know how to leave your husband if there is…

  • No esteem from self or spouse, and no desire to change
  • No respect at all from spouse
  • No common goals
  • Unwillingness of at least one spouse to work on marriage

Does your marriage have a foundation of respect, some common goals, and a willingness to work on esteem and marriage issues on the part of both partners? If so, it might be worthwhile to fight for your marriage. If you and your husband respect each other, you may want to focus less on how to leave leave your husband and more on fighting for your marriage.

There are no quick and easy answers for the “should I leave my husband?” question – and even the surest signs that it’s time to leave your husband can be complicated and confusing.

“I’ve had countless clients tell me that they don’t want to divorce because they are afraid of losing the co-parenting relationship or their spouse’s income, only to eventually realize that they alone already carry the load of responsibilities,” says Gadoua. “The spouse doesn’t contribute to the marriage but, rather, takes from it.”

For more tips on how to leave your husband, read How to Get Your Husband to Go to Marriage Counseling. If he refuses, maybe that’s a sign you should leave your marriage.

Love doesn’t conquer all

I’m sorry to say that love doesn’t conquer all!

how to leave your husbandYou can love your husband with all your heart, but not be able to build a strong, happy marriage together – especially if you’ve lost your personal identity. The lack of romantic love may not always lead to divorce, and the presence of love doesn’t lead to a happy marriage.

As Zsa Zsa Gabor said, “Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.”

If you don’t know how to leave your husband, read How to Tell Your Husband You Want a Divorce. That’s the first step in breaking free, and moving on with your life.

I welcome your thoughts on how to leave your husband below. I can’t give advice, but I know that expressing your thoughts can help you heal and see reality more clearly.

May you find peace and clarity as you decide if it’s time to leave your marriage – and how to leave your husband.


Your thoughts are welcome below! I don't give advice, but you can get free relationship help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

515 thoughts on “How to Leave Your Husband

  • Rim

    I’m married for 2 years.Due to my work location I have stayed these 2 years away from my husband.I have tried to convince him many a times to relocate to my location but he didn’t agree so finally I’m leaving my very well paid job and returning to his location with an average job.During this 2 years I have tried everyday to get a job in his location but unfortunately it took me 2 long years to find a decent job at his location. Now as I’m returning for the first time he will start living like a married responsible man and he is taking up his responsibilities to set up a house.But every single day he will shout at me for not being there and helping him out with setting up things.Please note I’m serving my notice period at a location 2000 Kms away from him.So even if I want to help him out I literally can’t do it before I shift permanently.If I give him this logic he will demean my job and reinstate how he is taking care of everything.
    I’m very scared thinking about my future with him because once I start living with him there will be trouble everyday for every minute thing.I know my husband for last 10 years from my engineering college.He didn’t get a job in the college placement so he tried to build his own business in Event management.I have encouraged and supported him throughout.But within 7 months of being in a relationship with him I got to know that he had another girlfriend from the past 7 years whom he is going to marry.I was 18 at that point of time, I got shattered and left all ties with him.For 3 months I didn’t talk to him or see him at all.After 3 months as an ex-student of my college he shows up in my college fest and reaches out to me for forgiveness.I was stupid,I was blind I forgive him within a few days and he starts sleeping with me.I started feeling insecure with each passing day as I felt he was not serious about me and he was using me.I try to find out if he is still in touch with the other girl.But he was very smart and he had played me very well.It was not until the other girl got married to someone else after 5 years he finally introduced me to his family.Even though we got married afterwards and I felt that finally everyrhing is falling into place,it was not the case.I became pregnant and the day he came to know about it he didn’t talk to me for 3 days.I felt damn vulnerable as I was in another location for my job all by myself.I cried my heart out for those 3 days.My husband did this to me on and off for the last 2 years.Sometimes he will be so busy that he will not talk to me for 2-3 days.Although I was very happy about the fact that I’m finally going to stay with him forever.I feel like I have lost everything emotinally in these 10 years.I have become lonely to be with him.I have never gathered to courage to leave him even in my past.But as I’m growimg old I might be becoming wise.I don’t think we were meant to be together.I am not judging him for anything I just feel that he doesn’t care.And today I want to face the truth,I want to stand up fir myself and leave him.I don’t know how to do it but.I just feel if I leave him he can’t hurt me emotinally and although by leaving him I will be very very sad but he will not get to hurt me anymore

  • Ralinda

    I am in a marriage of 27 years; we have 4 adult kids. I’m going through a rough time right now my husband decides to apply for another job and relocated; however the company wanted him to market the house so now we did and now sold it; meanwhile he’s been gone for over a month staying in a motel that the company paid for him.

    I have to keep up on the house that we’re being moved from not quite yet that we have to move; anyhow I work; I feed animals; on top of packing; figuring out what place I’m going to have to stay in next.
    I’ve just also found out that my husband isn’t obviously going to change from betraying me over and over for years.
    Meaning I just found out more information on him cheating on me still

    I don’t want to move where he got the job cause I’m leaving a job to be homeless – jobless – and sittin in a motel then when the time is up from the motel. I have no where to go
    However, I meant a guy at my job that we’ve became really good friends; and my husband assumes we’re having an affair I’ve met up with this guy friend a few times; and I’ve drew closer to him.

    But, now he just got fired from the work place we work together and wants to go back where he grew up at also wants me to go with him.
    and wants me to go with him.
    So I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard spot of what way I really want knowing this guy makes me relax and look out on what a life really is that I’ve never got in 27 yrs;

    I’ve been called all kinds of names from my husband that I’ve always tried to make it about me when I haven’t I’ve had kids starting at the age of 18 and raised them – clean house (still do) – do finances – do the dirty work that he has caused of him wanting a social life – enjoying life.
    That I have never experience in the whole 27 yrs of marriage. Now that I found that friend that I can have fun I don’t know which direction to go.


  • Susan Vila

    How can you possibly stay with a husband who the minute you share anything remotely personal about what is going in your life just uses it against you in an argument. Yet the upheaval that will come from leaving and trying to hold down a job will surely destroy you, It’s a no win situation.

  • Julie

    I was told by different psychics that my husband would die before me. I am hopeful it will be soon. I am hopeful that I will take a lover in the next while to help fill my needs, as husband is an obese, disgusting, empty porn addict. What a waste of a life. I find fun&happiness wherever I go&refuse to divorce as our children benefit greatly from us living together, so il suck it up&avoid, avoid, avoid!when we are under the same roof, fuck it, could be worse! I see a happy&fulfilling future for me, wheter that gobshite &i are under the same roof or not! I sneak in2the cinema&treat myself2dinner4 1..say im working late. Ladies, whatever you decide, LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU! he ain’t worth it, YOU are though!

  • Val

    Been together with my husband for 13 years, married 3. I changed so much for myself and kids. He doesnt want to leave the past and his addictions. I cant do this anymore with him fighting, him not coming home at times, drinking, drugs. Im fed up with this lifestyle. He told me if i left that he wouldn’t leave me alone, that he would make my life hell. I want to leave so bad i don’t love him anymore. I have a 9 year old son and a 3 year old daughter and they both love their dad. I stay in this marriage for them cause dont get me wrong he is a great father. But he’s a bad husband, worst provider but great dad to his kids. Please help me know how to leave my husband.

  • Jules

    I am thinking about leaving my husband, we’ve been together for 6 years, married for 5, we are both in our twenties so we married very young we have no kids so far.
    He is a loving and caring husband, but we have a very mediocre sex life, I’ve been told many times that sex or passion is not the most important thing in a marriage but I’m not entirely convinced.
    I have taken a lover since a couple of months now, and even though I don’t have strong feelings for the other man, is still cheating, and I’m being unfaithful to a wonderful man. I go back and forth about telling him the truth or just keep on trying to save my marriage (which I can see my husband is trying to do) I don’T want to go back to a sexless marriage, I’m only 28 and I can’t stand the thought that this will be my marriage for the rest of my life, so I’m not letting the other man go.
    I know this makes me a terrible person, but should I risk leaving the security of having a loving husband and friend just because i’m unhappy in bed?

    I truly don’t know what should I do 🙁

    • Sue

      Jules, You need to get out NOW! It is not fair to him to have a lover when you say, “he is a wonderful man”. Do NOT tell him you have a lover!!! It will devastate him FOREVER. Just tell him you are unhappy and need to allow him to find someone who is a better fit for him. Tell him you care for him, and it is really your youth that led you into something you were not prepared for; marriage. Tell him you are selfish and your sex drive is making you want to explore other options, so rather than crush him with an affair, you feel it is best to end the marriage. DO NOT TELL HIM YOU HAVE A LOVER….I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE…IT IS MORE PAINFUL TO KNOW THAT YOUR SPOUSE WAS UNFAITHFUL THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE. It has been over 2 years that I was told by my spouse that he had an affair. Worst of all, he quit having sex with me over 10 years ago, because of “supposed” health reasons, while he was having sex with another woman the past five years. He told me about the affair because he was realized I was on the brink of finding out and he did not want me to contact the other woman. He ended the affair, we went to counseling, and have remained together. Neither of us is happy. He did not want to do the work to make the marriage better. He just wants me to forget about it and move on. He is not affectionate with me, refuses to kiss, hold hands, etc. does not take me out on “dates” or plan any activities for us to do together. This is a lonely existence. You must leave for his sake and your own or you will be 55 years old with two or three kids and you will still be lying and cheating yourself and your husband out of a good marriage.

    • Ava

      It’ll be a year that I have been married this September, and I am in desperate need for some advice whether to leave my husband or not. I met him when i was only 16 (I am 22 years old now) and he was my one and only.
      When he proposed on Christmas and I said yes but wondered why I didnt feel any of that “giddiness” and excitement. We set the date for exactly 9 short months later. In that time after 3 months of being engaged and another social media incident with him I told him I was second guessing this, and felt it best to push the wedding date out. He said no, either we get married or it was over, completely.
      A week before the wedding his mother, father, sister, and him sat me down and “adressed/ attacked” me about if I was going to marry him or not. After sobbing and full of embarrassment I said I would. I married him, then he found out on my bachelorette night I let a guy take a shot out of my cleavage. My husband came into the house like a “mad man” and locked everyone out. The veins in his neck were popping out and his face was turning purple from yelling so loudly at me. he got nose to nose with me while screaming, and even took his shirt off (like men will do when fighting) he called me a slut and all other kind of hurtful names and comments; told me he wished he never married me, then punched a hole in the wall right by my face. I didnt say a word during the whole thing except I was sorry.
      I would of left but he had my purse and keys upstairs in our bedroom where he went and told me I was not allowed in. He came back down a few minutes later and I was holding my dog who was petrified herself of him in the floor. He then took her from me and put her upstairs saying “it was time to go to bed, and that was where she belonged.” later he came back down again and went through my phone then kept making hurtful, cruel comments to the point where my entire body was shaking uncontrollably. two hours later he woke me up and told me I needed to go to church, where i belonged.
      After church he said it would take him a long time to forgive me and gain trust but he was “willing” to do that.. then he wanted to be intimate which made me feel sick the entire time. He isolates me from my family, and my childhood bestfriend (who is like a sister) for months until he finally “allowed” her to come to the house.
      He is so sweet sometimes, then others he is someone other than the man I fell in love with. Verbally he is very destructive. Just recently he left a few marks on me from taking my phone, and pushing me over and over after I tried standing up for myself and getting it back so I could leave, and from him closing me in the door. I didn’t call the authorities. He never even told me he was sorry for that.. all he said was “dont you dare call the cops, because I never hit you.”
      I am so scared of thinking that this roller coaster behavior is “normal”- Music and singing at places is a passion and second job for me. I love doing it but he is giving me a frequency on that, and told me once I got pregnant I would have to stop that altogether. His mom and sister are both very in touch with their faith and have always been stay at home moms as soon as they had their children. I fear he thinks this of me. He tells me he is okay with me working a little but wants my main focus to be at home. I am so young still, inexperienced, and scared of making the wrong decision.
      Scared that ive settled with a man who reminds me of my father who mistreated and mentally/ verbally abused my mother my entire childhood.Then I see the sweet man I thought he was. Its very confusing, with his on and off behavior. I can feel myself falling out of love with him because of all the resentment and hurt from all the years weve been together. Ive told him how I felt back in early May and suggested counseling but he refuses. Then told him I needed to stay with my parents for a while. but he said God does not believe in separation if I was to leave it would be a divorce. Am I overreacting? I dont have anyone really to get guidance from and would GREATLY appreciate any inspiration. I can feel that im losing myself, and my happiness.

      Please help me.

      • Katie Sterling

        He sounds abusive. They can be very manipultive. Be careful what you think is him being a sweet caring guy is most likely an act. And it is typical behavior for an abusive person to rush marriage and insist on it. My husband and I married after 9 months together and it was great at first then it goes progressively downhill. To where he was hitting me. I made him enter domestic violence counseling but even though the hitting stopped he’s still never turned back into that sweet guy I first met. Beware of couples counseling. Abusers have a way of playing the victim and making you or to be the bad guy. Couples counseling is about equal accountability and abusers will use that to their advantage. When we were going to marriage counseling he became more cruel and violent. The domestic violence counseling actually doesn’t recommend marriage counseling for abusers. And he doesn’t have to be hitting you to be abusive. He’s trying to control you. And he insults you to break down your self-esteem. Eventually you’ll begin to feel worthless because he’s always telling you you are. He wants you to stay home and not work so he has all of the financial v control. My husband frequently tried to get me to quit my job for no reason and would constantly belittle my job. Get out while you can. There is little to no possibility of him changing his ways. And a big chance that things will get worse.

    • C

      Leave now if he can’t give u what u NEEd, as oppose to want. I’m in my 60s and hate that I didn’t act on whT I knew I should do. He’s a good man, a kind man, but the WRONG man.. I’m trapped.. Hope u won’t b too. Live who u r with a man that helps u get there! Bless u and go beyond fear!! B

  • Avocado

    Thanks so much for all your stories. I’ve been reading them in the last hour with awe!! What do we all put up with??! It is amazing what man do to us and after telling the story the wife still asks “where do I draw the line?”. It helped me decide to get out now. I have no children, we are not married and i am financially independent. But honestly, who do you suffer for? Suffering is not a virtue and joy is not a sin. Reread all this posts and make sure you don’t become the woman in the 30+ old marriag who knew she wanted out after 5 years.

  • Peta

    I am thinking i need to leave my husband.
    3yrs ago, he was emotionally unfaithful. He rekindled an online relationship with his ex, including photos and promises of children, and told me he had married the wrong person etc.
    Somehow he didnt leave. My gut tells me that he didnt leave for financial reasons. That it was easier for him to stay. We have 2 children together who are 5 and 6yrs.
    We have both been trying to recover from this since it happened. But its not happening for me, though i desperately wanted the marriage to work for quite a long time. His method for getting past this is to forget and move on. But i need to talk about it. I need reminders that is sorry and that he was mistaken when he said he wished he had never married me, but he wont talk to me about it. He gets annoyed when i ask him to talk with me about it and he will not attend counselling with me.
    Since all this happened i have started to notice things about him that i feel i cant deal with. He gets so angry with our children and his method of discipline is to bully, call names and smack. When i talk to him about it, he tells me that i can discipline in my way, and he will discipline in his way… But i am not happy with what he does. I feel like i cant tell him if my children have been naughty incase he overreacts. I just deal with it myself. But if i leave, he will have custardy of the children half of the time, so leaving wont shield them from the nasty anger.
    Our marriage feels like one of convenience for him. I feel like i am in it for the morning cuddles, and not much else.
    I cant figure out if its worth leaving or not.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Hi Jane,

    Have you called legal aid? I would do that, and I’d also call a women’s resource help centre. I don’t know where you are, but it’s important for you to get some information on how to leave your husband before you make any huge decisions.

    It’s not too late to start over! You can have a fresh, interesting, fulfilling life filled with love and laughter! You’ll be surprised at your resilience and strength, and you will find ways to ENJOY the rebuilding process.

    Take it one step at a time. It’ll happen fast, but you should prepare yourself. Call a women’s support line, and ask for basic tips on how to leave your husband. Find ways to protect yourself — and remember that ignorance is NOT bliss! Ignorance just makes things harder for you.

    God bless you! Stay in touch.


  • Jane Doe

    I Have been married 21 years I was abused my entire childhood so my relationships have always been awful. I always found abusive men either mentally or physically or both. I met my husband who was extremely handsome and I fell completely in love. He wasn’t the abusive type at all he was just the most unfaithful person I think God placed on this earth! I have been thru an awful marriage and always to afraid to leave, I had four kids and didn’t want to be that single mom alone with no money. So instead I stayed and lost my my self worth and I’m now in my forties and I want out!!!! My youngest is 14 and a freshman. I keep saying if I can just make it until he graduates but I really feel like it is affecting my son immensely. I just really don’t know the steps to take. Legally what should I do. Should I just pack a bag and go? I want nothing not a table, not a picture, nothing he can have it all !!! I just need money to support my son, and he is in a private high school. Please help with advice and please don’t criticize I can get that at home 🙁

  • Veronica

    Hello, I am in a very hard place… I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, married for 2 1/2 and I love him so much. I know he loves me too, however he is so psychologicaly and emotionally damaged by his family (mostly his father, who he works with) I feel he is brainwashed and the issues there will take a month to explain. That being said he is very defensive, he has this automatic denial response programmed into his brain, he denies and lies about everything. He always feels attacked, he has this scary side when he drinks certain alcohol or is in certain situations. He has never been physically abusive to me but can be verbally, telling me I nag too much and calls me names or say that I constantly question him. He has in the past (during his dark side moments) broken things, gone out to bars, strip clubs, gotten into fights with strangers and friends, got into trouble with the law, said nasty things about my 5yr old nephew and fought my brother in law over it, ruining our relationship with him and my sister. Every time I try to have a conversation with him about all of these issues including his dad, he agrees and things get better for a while but it always happens again, he makes me feel like I am crazy, I suspect cheating (not emotionally but not necessarily physically either, I think it’s just a sexual thing) this is very hard to explain. I love him but sometimes feel like I stay because I’m more worried about him doing something stupid like getting himself killed or locked up if I am not there to guide him… But I am hurting. I am 27 years old I’ve been with him since I was 17, I know nothing about being single or independent and it’s scary, but my brain is just telling me I am being stupid by staying… I often think about being single and feel like I would be so much greater without him, but when it comes down to it, I can’t, I’m scared… I have avoided having kids with him for these reasons, he used to ask for kids all the time… I don’t know what to do

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Dear Amy,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing what it’s been like to be married to someone you don’t communicate with. Your perspective and wisdom is valuable to younger women who aren’t in happy marriages but don’t know how to leave their husbands.

    If you were to do it all over, what would you do differently?

  • Amy

    I think the only reason were still married is if one of us dies the other can call 911. Married 49 years we haven’t talked in decades, he hated sex, and refused to have it again, no intimacy, no communication, no nothing. Shortly after we married he moved to the basement, and then out to a building in back of our property that he restored. He always worked mid nights and all holidays, weekends and all his vacation time. Other people were nothing to him, he had no friends, he always worked alone when he was working. He isn’t gay and never had any one on the side. He just wants to be a lonely man. I’ve should have left and he told me to leave if I wasn’t happy and to take what ever I wanted from the house, money car. Well I messed up big time and thought things would get better, never happened. Now almost 70 and can’t say I want to move on now. My own fault for staying, maybe it will be over shortly.

  • Laurie

    I’m sorry you’re going through this, Billie. This probably wasn’t what you expected when you got married! Often we don’t know what to expect the wedding, but surely we don’t expect to be thinking about if we should leave our husbands.

    How can you start making small plans to move forward in your life? Sometimes taking action – even if its just deciding that you want to be happy with or without your husband – can help us figure out what to do.

  • Billie

    I have been married for 9 months… It’s been nothing but arguing, abuse and being the responsible one.

    My husband has no desires, ambitions, life goals… He just wants me to have kids. And I’m the one who works the hardest, makes the most money, takes care of the house… We don’t even sleep in the same room. We haven’t had sex in I don’t even know how long… I just had major surgery where I have to have bed rest for two weeks and he came home yesterday telling me off that the laundry had not been done.

    We have been to counselling, I discovered videos and photos one month after our wedding of other girls he’d been talking to, but he didn’t see it as cheating.

    I feel like I’m living in a home that I own, he doesn’t pay anything for it, never has, he drives a car I had to buy for him, and spends money frivolously then wonders why we don’t have any and blames me for my lack of financial acumen.

    I’m 31 years old and I feel like a failure.

    I know he loves me, but I don’t think that is enough.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Thank you for your honesty. It’s a very difficult decision, especially if your husband is a good man who cares about you.

    Have you talked to a counselor? Deciding if you should leave your husband is a huge life choice, and it’s important to be very careful! Divorce is painful and destructive, and you don’t want to do anything you might regret.

    What caused you to seek love outside your marriage? Does the man you’re having an affair want to be with you?

    Will leaving your husband make your life better, more fulfilling, or more satisfying?

  • Emily

    My husband is emotionally and sexually abusive and jealous of my relationship with family and friends. He is also horribly selfish with the finances. He has been this way 10 years. Kids are starting to act out now. I feel like I should stay for the kids sake and because I feel sorry for my husband. I know in my heart he’s never going to change though. I feel like I’ve fallen out of love with him.

    • Kay

      Staying for your kids is not ever advised in all my reading and in my own personal experience I would not recommend it. My husband grew up in a similar situation. At the age of 45 he is carrying deep emotional scars that effects our family as does his older brother from all that they witnessed growing up. Its hard to find the strength and courage for leaving and its not easy. But your kids will thank you in the end. And the lesson you will be teaching them by standing up for yourself is invaluable.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    There are no quick or easy answers to the “should I leave my husband?” question. No quick tips, no 10 Steps to Leaving Your Husband. I wish it was that simple, but the truth is that leaving a marriage is a huge decision that takes time, courage, and strength.

    May you find wisdom and clarity as you think about leaving your husband. I pray that your life is filled with resources and people who can help you decide what to do, and who can support you as your rebuild your life after a separation. I pray for peace with your decision, and even joy as you start planning the rest of your life!


  • Cary

    I’m thinking hard about leaving my husband. Nine months ago we moved to a different State and I started work immediately. He hasn’t even really tried to look for a job, he just was figuring that he would get a loan to do charter boat fishing. The reality is is that we were foreclosed on and had to move and we couldn’t get a loan from anyone (nor would I want one). the straw that broke the camels back was last Sunday when he told me he was quitting the job (he just got it and was on the job only 2 days) and he threatened to punch me if I said anything. I only make enough money to keep food in the house, pay the electric (sometimes the cable) and keep gas in our cars and this is all done with me working three (3) jobs. We have two (2) teenage kids in middle school. If I leave I’m leaving the State and hoping to move back near my family. I have no money, car tags are expired and no auto insurance. They say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. How strong do we have to be anyway? I’ve walked a long time in my shoes and usually I am the person with the eternal smile and happy, optimistic outlook but I can’t seem to smile yet this week. I feel like I want to cry but I don’t think I can afford to.

    • bian

      my love is for you and your kids. I hope you can get back to your family so that you and your kids have more people to rely on. I’m sending your family lot’s of strength during this time, which will pass.

  • Julie

    I’ve been married for 33 years and want to leave this marriage. It’s never been good. There’s never been one single year where I could sit back and reflect, thinking, “wow, we had a really good year”. Not one. I married at 18, my husband was 19. Had my first of two children at 19. Life was always hard. My husband would never stop drinking, smoking or having the party lifestyle. I’ve lived with verbal abuse, emotional abuse and emotional neglect. We’ve never owned a home. The kids are grown and on their own. So we moved to the country to another rental house. He knows people out here. I do not and now I’m isolated except for working. I have no family other than our two adult children. He won’t make any life plans with me, won’t work with me towards anything. So far I’m the sole retirement and life insurance planner. He earns more, yet won’t even discuss or prepare anything. I don’t even have wedding rings anymore. They were stolen when our house was robbed years ago. He never got me new ones. He see’s no reason to. I’m unhappy. I want to leave. He knows this, yet refuses to talk of it. I’m 52 years old and I don’t want the last 2 or more decades of my life to be like the last 33 years. I’m just so damn scared to take the first and biggest step! I’m so afraid of failing by myself I’m rooted to the ground and can’t seem to move! I would rather be alone yet happy with a life that I build for myself, than keep living this same life of the last 33 horrible years. The only thing keeping me here are financial reasons. That’s not enough to keep me here anymore. How can I learn to stop being afraid and to learn to prepare and take the first step?

    • Jody

      Julie, i can so relate to your story. I’m sitting here alone in my mothers apartment (i moved her into an assisted living facility today) because my husband and i had tet another argument. He has no respect for me at all yet i find it so hard to leave. Right now i feel really good anout being away from him yet i want to go back. I have no family and few friends i feel i could talk to. We have one adult son that lives an hour away and i don’t want to burden him or put him in the middle of this

    • Karina

      I just read your comment and I hope everything is better. You do not deserve to deal with someone holding you back from your life. You deserve to be happy and free. Please do not feel as if you need someone in your life to be happy. Being single, not necessarily alone, is perfectly okay if you are happy and content. I wish you well in your life and hope for the best.
      Best wishes and many prayers your way,
      P.S. You can make the first step! You are very strong.

    • Karen

      Julie – I have been married for nearly 30 years. Like you it was never really good – usually tolerable. Over the past several years it has been less tolerable. I considered the “stay or go” question for a couple of years. That state of uncertainty is a horrible place to be. I understand the fear – it is a major life change that affects many people. Finally, I just knew the time was right to let my husband know it was over. We are still living in the same house while he looks for a place to live so it is a bit weird. My overwhelming feeling? Relief.

  • just me

    I wish I would have left my husband. Now he is dead! Finally, I am getting back my peace of mind. We were married for 30 years and he didn’t give a damn about me. Now it is my turn to have a life! YAY ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Sheila

    Hello – I wanted to share that I am leaving my husband after 30 years of marriage. We were close to separating 10 years ago and I made the decision to stay and realize now that it was the wrong choice for me. I initiated the separation we are now going ahead with but my husband is on the same page. Once he got through the male ego bruising and anger he came to the realization that staying together unhappy is really no way to live and is now accepting of this move. We are not talking about divorce right now and plan to continue couple counselling and treat each other with respect for the sake of our grown daughters and each other. We have loved each other for most of our adult lives and in no way want our legacy to be bitterness and pettiness. There are no bad people here…we have just reached a point where we have grown apart and we both seem to have lost interest in trying. Am I terrified of venturing out on my own??? You bet I am! Will it be hard?? Oh I’m sure at times I will have days where I wonder what the heck happened? But it has been hard living unhappy and lonely for many years in a marriage. At this point I am not sure what I want but I know what I don’t want and that is my bottom line basically. So that’s my story…

  • sandy

    I have been married for 25 years and we started having before we had our 1st child 17 years ago. I believe my husband had an affair then but he argues and say he was going through anxiety. He would call her text her she even came to his hotel when he said he needed to move out because of his anxiety. I pretty much believed him and never threw it in his face. I did try to catch them but never did. After our 1st child and me bugging her they stopped seeing each other.He told me if i kept bringing it up i was going to push him to her. I never trusted him after that but finally decided why bother if he is going to do something he is going to do no matter what i do. We had another child 4 years later. He was laid off then started another job which he began to work late and travel for the company. It didn’t bother in fact then it was oh cool i get the weekend to my self. With him not around much i started talking to another guy something did happen between us but it wasn’t that that my husband found out about it was he lying about going out to lunch with him. He would and still to this day wont let it go( i dint do that with him when he was hanging around that girl). So a couple years later we were talking and i mention i could be falling out of love with him he wasn’t around we didn’t talk much. So now he holds that against me because he feels i should of talked to him about it instead looking for attention else where as he puts it. He told me before this when i would say why dont you come home early once a week so we can all have dinner together: his reply was Mon thru Fri work sat and sun family. well when i brought that back up to him he turned it on my and said well you never attempted to come see me at work or have dinner with me (40 min drive one way but he never asked so what do you do he said mon thru fri was work) He still to this day will say will you never did come see me and still dont you always have and excuse even when the kids are sick. My husband is always complaining our sex life is boring which it is and that i dont show him any affection. He has let himself go but is very successful in his job. I dont worry about being able to take care of the kids because i can but it seems its ok for him to do things but if i do them he will not let it go. In 2008 i started talking to this guy i worked with we enjoyed each others company and he was married also. things in each of our relationships were not good so we started seeing each other. initially it was just sex but since we are still seeing each other i know we have feelings for each other. He divorced a couple years after we started seeing each other… not for me but because he was not happy. During the time we have seen each other we both have said he needed to stop because he had a girlfriend me because i was married and trying to make it work but we would always come back to each other. He now has a girlfriend im still married but we have been seeing each other for about a year again. I think we find what we need from each other that our current relationship doesn’t have. My husband has always told me its my fault that we are where we are my fault on the kids and why he isnt happy. Why i stay with someone i dont love i just dont get it. Im not setting a good example to my kids because they have heard agrue alot in the past.

  • Mary

    I was married at age 18 and was had both mental and physical abuse for 13 years. He slept with me and had a loaded shotgun by the bed and would tell me if I disturbed him he would gut shoot me. He said if I told anyone anything he would indeed kill me. I finally just wanted to die but my faith gave me the strength to tell my parents and I moved back home. He finally left the area with another woman.
    I stayed single for the next 19 years but had a boyfriend during that time that was nice and made me feel safe. His problem was that he didn’t want to get married, socialize with anyone but me and would not even spend the night. He would always go home where he lived with his Mom. I was sad about that so I distanced myself from him and 2 weeks later a girl comes knocking on my door and announces she has been sleeping with him for a month. Things got ugly and she harassed me and I was broken so I sold my house and moved to an apartment in hopes of just getting away from all the pain I was in.
    I met my current husband and jumped at the chance to move away. He is a nice man but had been married before for 23 years and that marriage was always rocky. We ended up getting married and I am not a happy camper. He promised to take me home to see my family every couple months and in the 14 years we’ve been married he took me home one time for my Father’s funeral. He is not abusive but when he raises his voice I get scared. I told him the fear that has lived in me since my first marriage and he said you’re crazy you better go get some help. He is very self centered and told me he will do what he wants when he wants. We have nothing in common, our retirement plans are completely opposite. I am a neat person and he is a piggy which drives me crazy, I want to leave and I get that fear that is holding me back. We don’t sleep together, we don’t make love and he doesn’t do anything I like to do. I ran from home to someone that I do not love. I want out but at 64 years old should I go? I would just like to be happy for the years I have left whether it be 5 years or 20 years is that so wrong?

  • Laurie

    Thank you for sharing your experience, Amy. It’s definitely not easy deciding if you should leave your husband – it’s a decision that takes time to really think about, especially when you have a daughter.

    My prayer for you is for clarity and guidance. May you find wise people to talk to, and have a clear idea of what you want for your life – and for your daughter’s life. I pray for wisdom and peace with whatever decision you make, and for the ability to move forward into a new stage of life with hope and faith. Maybe the new stage of your life will be with your husband – maybe he’ll renew his commitment to your marriage. Or maybe you’ll move forward on your own, with your daughter. Either way, I pray that you find strength, energy, and power to decide if you should leave your husband, and how to cope with all the smaller decisions that come with that one big decision. I pray for support and guidance, peace and wisdom in your life. Amen.


  • Amy

    Struggling tonight with this same thing.. My story started 8 years ago I was pregnant and didn’t want to disappoint my 80yr old father 🙁 so I got married. From the start I did NOT get along with my stepson and could never do anything right. when our daughter was 2 I had mentioned something that my stepson had said to me and husband went off on me saying that he would NEVER lose his son and I could leave and he would be prepared to see our daughter every other weekend! (should have left then but didn’t) then a couple years ago he and his coworker (female) went to a gun class together to get their conceal carry. The next day I see the notebook he had to take for notes and I open it and I see a note saying “THIS IS MY HONEYS NOTEBOOK” in a girls writing… I confronted my husband and then it all got turned around on me and I was ridiculuous and being crazy… Then, my wedding rings came up missing ( a tiffany engagement ring) by this time we had security cameras. I rewound the footage and see my step son reach up where I kept my rings and walked out the door. the next week, he hd 250.00 for fireworks cause it was the 4th of july (isn’t that a coincidence) I showed my husband my footage and he confronted my stepson and he asked him if he took them and of course he said he didn’t and that was that… The next week, our friends called us and said their daughters IPOD was missing and he was the last one to have it. Then came the knee injury and husband got addicted to pain medications, got angry at me all the time. as soon as I came home from work, he went to bed.. If I went to try and give him a hug, he told me I was sufferocating him. Then I would be told to grow up. I cry constantly in front of our daughter so she knows im not happy.. I want to do the best for her but want to be happy and that I am not…

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your thoughts on leaving your husband. It takes a great deal of courage to share how you feel – and to even admit that you want to start fresh after being married.

    My prayer for you is for peace and wisdom, as you decide how to leave your husband. I pray that you find strength to see your marriage for what it is, and clarity to know what steps to take next. May you find the right people and resources, and may you know without a doubt what you want to do with your life! And may you allow yourself to be weak, and rely on people who are stronger, who can support you as you make decisions about your future.

    May you find joy and happiness as you follow your dreams and pursue the life you were meant to lead.


  • Andrea

    I don’t know what to do. I have been married for 5 years. Since the begginnign it was very emotional. My boyfriend then, lied to me and hide he was married twice, had a child that gave up for adoption and was in jail. It brooke my heart because I asked him for 3 moths if he was married and he always said no. I felt like he tricked me. I fell in love and then I found out the truth. I could never move from there. We got married 6 months later and our relationship was horrible. He asked me to leave many times and kicked me out of his house many times. I begged him to let me stayed. Once I had to slept in my car and the other time, he sent me to his parents to live because my family is in another country, and I did not have where to go. He sent me there until he felt ready to let me back. It was so humilliatin, I stayed with parents in law for 2 months. My husband will call me names and will put me down all the time. I felt pretty much worthless. He asked me twice to get out of the car, and left me in the road for me to walk home. He hit me once and has tried to him me twice more. I don’t want to leave him because he has a good job a good carrer and he provides financially paying all the bills. He also helped me to pay for school, and being married to him helped me to obtain citizenship even though I paid for all the fees because he did not want to do that. He does not want me to pursue my bachelors because he said it is not needed and while married to him, I would not go to school because I neglected him. He wants sex every other day and I have to cook, clean, do laundry and the dishes all the time. He has changed in this past two years, but I feel I don’t love him and that I care less about his needs. He always says that I’m lazy and he has denied me to do things I want to do. He does no trust me and it is umcofortable all the time. He does not want to travel or do things we may enjoy together, he always working in his cars and wants me to pick dreams that don’t interfere with his dreams. He always say I’m a bad wife and I make him miserable. Last Monday he kicked me out and I left. He was not expecting me to leave because I never did it before. I just don’t know what do do. Should I stay with him even though I don’t want to have sex and don’t feel love for him or should I let him go for him to find someone who loves him. We don’t have any children because he wanted me to change before he decided to have children with me. He has a vasectomy, and it needed be reversed. I feel I care about him, and I will miss out lives together, but I want to have adventorous, enjoy my life and that nobody is telling me what to do. I want to dance, wear whatever clothes I want and not having to worry about he being upset if I do something I want to.

    • Lonelywife28

      Hi there. I feel for you and i think i might have been going through the same thing.. Please don’t get me wrong, my husband is an amazing person but he doesn’t and wouldn’t support my financial and emotional needs.. I feel alone and needed someone to talk to. Let me know if you’re available for a quick chat.

  • K

    I’m thinking about leaving my husband. We’ve been together 8 years, married for 4, no kids. He suffers from mental illness and I’m not sure I can continue to deal with it. He sees someone regularly, and that has helped. The lows haven’t been as low and the manic states have gone away faster. The person he has been seeing the past year encouraged my husband to take up running and I honestly think the consistent exercise has helped. It’s when he combines alcohol with his prescriptions that’s the issue. The combinations makes things amplified and I get called names for doing nothing…get put down and overall treated like garbage. The morning after it’s as if nothing happened. He used to do it frequently and would sneak drinks (3 years ago) and for the past two years it has been once every 4 months or so. Tonight I went to the movies with a friend and walked in the door and without saying anything, I knew what was going on. I decided to go straight to bed and got called names and had other cruel things said to me. He found out a friend from college passed away and decided to self-medicate. I just don’t know where to draw the line. I know that people shouldn’t be treated like this, but tomorrow he’ll apologize and I know I’ll just think about the positives. I just don’t know what to do.

  • Amy

    I’m married to my husband for about 3years and been together for about 7 years. We have 3 year old daughter. I feel a distance between us and I do not want to admit that I have feeling of leaving him because I love him. I caught him flirting with another woman and I confronted him about it. He told me that they are just friends. There’s nothing going on between them and I believe him. It’s just now I have a hard time trusting him. I feel like I’m going no where in life as career wise and we do have a daughter. I want this family to work but at the same time I feel overwhelmed and don’t have any idea on what to do.

    • brandi

      I’m going through what you are. My husband was having those same conversations online. The first was over a year ago and there have been several since. He currently has changed his kik account password and deletes any messages so I can’t see them anymore. I’m done. Right now I’m just waiting to have bills paid off, then I will take my son, serve my husband with divorce papers and leave. It was hard to come to this decision because he is very loving in all other aspects of the relationship but we’ve had multiple conversations and he’s had multiple chances. What I am struggling with now is when do I tell him? Before or after I’m gone?

  • Joclyn

    My husband and I have been together for 13 years, 10 years we lived together and we have been married for 3. For the past 3 years he has become very distant, almost in his own world. This for us was really unusual we’ve always been extremely close and in tune with each other’s needs. He is a wonderful father to our son and a hard worker. He has so many amazing qualities and I’ve always have been so proud of the man I thought he was. When he started acting distant I figured he was just tired he works so hard for our family and I thought he was just too tired to be affectionate or have sex. So finally after months passed I asked him if everything was ok with him u and told him that I missed the way we used to be. He denied anything being wrong and said he would start to make a effort. Well that was a lie, no effort whatsoever. I’ve tried dressing up, lingerie, you name it I’ve done it even beg. And when he does want to, he cannot. I was so hurt. He promised he wouldn’t do it anymore but I don’t really think he has ever stopped. Yesterday I found a dating website on his phone and he admitted to being on there but he insisted that he never met any women. I am so sick of being hurt and feeling unwanted, unattractive, and I fear for my future. I’m a stay at home mom with no work experience and no college education. How will I support son and myself?

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Claudia,

    My prayer for you is that you find someone to talk to, who can help you decide what to do with your life. May you find the resources and help you need to make wise, good choices about your future and theirs – and may you start working towards peace and freedom. May your fears be alleviated, may you find spiritual and emotional strength you need to recover your sense of yourself, your peace, and your happiness.

    I can’t offer practical advice because I don’t know you or your situation, but I encourage you to reach out to the resources in your community. You may not know anyone in person who can help you decide if you should leave your husband, but you might try calling the support lines or social service resources. May you find the right people, who can help you get where you need to go.

    May God give you strength, energy, and courage.


  • claudia

    heres my story and ill probably get backlash for it but i regret nothing…. i cheated on my husband and admitteed to him that i did after everything went to shitss and his family was involved we discussed and decided to try again we have kids but its more and more difficult to try becasue hes 24/7 verbally abusive and mentally he hasnt hit me but has threaten too he monters all my phone and locates where im at all the time i have my kids come with me whenever i leave to the store i get hateful texts and then loveable ones i want to leave from where im at with my kids but scared of what might happen i want to leave the state becasue i cant make it out here no more and i know i can out there i dont know where to begin or even who to talk too im soo lost and confused

    • Joslyn

      Please don’t say you don’t regret cheating. You should regret and ask the man above to forgive you for the sin you committed. We all make mistakes.

  • Laurie Post author

    Research from the University of Chicago shows that a husband’s agreeable personality and good health appear crucial to preventing conflict among older couples who have been together a long time, according to a study. The report found that such characteristics in wives play less of a role in limiting marital conflict, perhaps because of different expectations among women and men in durable relationships.

    The report found that such characteristics in wives play less of a role in limiting marital conflict, perhaps because of different expectations among women and men in durable relationships.

    “Wives report more conflict if their husband is in poor health,” said the study’s lead author, James Iveniuk, PhD candidate in the Department of Sociology. “If the wife is in poor health, there doesn’t seem to be any difference in terms of the quality of the marriage for the husband.”

    The study, “Marital Conflict in Older Couples: Positivity, Personality, and Health,” reports results from a national survey with data analyzed from 953 heterosexual couples who were married or cohabitating. The study participants ranged in age from 63 to 90 years old and the average length of their relationships was 39 years. The survey of older adults participating in the National Social Life Health and Aging Project, funded by the National Institute on Aging, compared the characteristics of the husbands to the characteristics of their wives and vice versa based on interviews with each person in which they were asked to describe themselves.

    Iveniuk and co-authors found many gender differences when they examined personality traits including openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and anxiety. They added a new measure called “positivity,” an overarching characteristic described as a person’s overall desire to be seen in a positive light. “Wives whose husbands show higher levels of positivity reported less conflict. However, the wives’ positivity had no association with their husbands’ reports of conflict,” Iveniuk said.
    Co-author Linda J. Waite, Lucy Flower Professor of Urban Sociology and director of the Center on Aging at NORC, says the study’s measurement of marital conflict could be summarized as, “How much does your spouse bother you?” The clashes are not primarily about fighting or violence, but rather whether one spouse criticizes the other, makes too many demands, or generally gets on the other person’s nerves.
    Another finding is that men who describe themselves as neurotic or extraverts tend to have wives who complain more about the quality of the marriage. Men with self-described neurotic wives may consider worrying to be a more “gender-appropriate” role for women. Husbands reported more criticism and demands from their wives overall, but also higher levels of emotional support.

    “Several previous studies have been about the implications of marital status on health,” Waite says. “This research allows us to examine individual marriages and not ‘married people.’ We have the reports on the quality of the marriage from each person, about their own personality and their own health.”

    The researchers suggest that future studies might examine the question of whether low levels of conflict in marriages require not only the absence of frustrating factors, such as poor health and negative traits, but also a better balance of emotional responsibilities between husbands and wives. They say some of those differences between husbands and wives may change as researchers study younger couples entering later life as compared to the current generation of older couples who may have more conventional gender roles.

    The study was published by the Journal of Marriage and Family.

  • Laurie Post author

    How do you decide when a marriage is bad enough to leave — versus when it just needs work so it can be repaired? That’s the main question when you’re thinking about whether you should leave your husband. Nobody can answer it for you….but it’s important to consider all the painful consequences of divorcing versus working through marriage problems before you make a final decision.

    • Anonymous

      I have been reading these comments and see that I have a lot in common. My husband is a substance abuse user and I have begged him for many years to stop. We have been together 24 years married 14. He believes he doesn’t have a problem because we live a fairly decent life. The problem is I have grown very tired of it. I lost a son 17 years ago and was on zoloft for a while. He told me that if I quit the zoloft, he would quit the drugs. Plus he said that I married into it. I didn’t know in the beginning and when I found out I asked him to stop. The bad thing is he uses in our home but I am the person that is disrespectful because I left our home for two months last year hoping it would help him to see that we need to work on our problems. He tells me that I am the one with the problem and that our daughter is the one who caused the problems in our marriage. I have made a decision to leave because he has a terrible temper and it’s like he is bi-polar because after he cusses me out, he comes back like nothing has happened and it drives me crazy. I don’t want to leave but I don’t want to live with a 54 year old drug user who has no intention on stopping. I am scared to death and it seems like he has a feeling that I am leaving because he has been nice even though he is still getting high in our home. It drives me crazy and I cant stand it. Even with all of that I wanted my marriage to work. He is self employed and our retirement is based on my job. I would be losing and leaving a lot because everything is in my name and I would be walking away from it all. I have told him many times that I will leave if he doesn’t quit the drugs but he doesn’t believe I will do it. I am so scared and I am even contemplating staying even though I want to go. I have an apartment that I am supposed to take possession of on the 15th. I have asked God if it is his will then make everything go smoothly. I feel like it is God’s will or I would not have even had the strength to apply for the apartment. I am worried about his well being. He has a good heart but I don’t like the drugs. Plus the drugs make him mean.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Amy,

    I’m sorry you had to spend 45 years married to a man you aren’t happy with. I hope the money and medical benefits were worth it! I know how complicated it is to divorce, and I also know that divorce is very difficult to recover from. I understand that it seems easier to stay married, especially when you’re in your mid 60s.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Jessica,

    I think you should get counseling on your own. It doesn’t matter if he is 100% to blame for your marriage problems – you can’t force him to go to marriage counseling or couples therapy. You can’t fix your marriage problems on your own, and you can’t mold your husband into the man you want him to be. You can’t change him….but you can change yourself.

    I don’t know if you should leave your husband, but I believe all women should get as healthy and happy as possible — as independent women!

    What do you think about this, about pursuing health and independence and happiness on your own, apart from your husband? What about getting emotionally and spiritually healthy, so you can be happy no matter what he chooses to do or say?

  • Amy

    I’ve been married 46 years and I wish i had read this article 45 years ago.
    We had sex once in all these years that was my first last and only time.
    He has never slept, or eaten with me he just stays cooped up in or basement
    and he is married to work. Works midnights and sleeps all day, he makes
    sure he never has free time and when he does he works in his shop making
    something or carving wood and maybe working on his cars.
    I’ve only stayed with him because of money and med benefits! A divorce is
    to complicated and I have no place to go or any one to be with Plus i”m in my mid 60’s
    and I really don’t care any more…

    • alta

      Hi Amy, I feel so sorry for you because I know exactly what you are going through. I just don’t know how you managed to live with the monster for 46 years, I have been going through the exact same experience but it lasted so far 32 years and I can’t believe that I allowed being treated like this too. I guess it is because we had row children and very other reasons which are not important to me now but it is too late and my life and my youngest daughter’s lives have been well messed up by this dictator and monster of a husband. Please let me have your email address so we can encourage each other. I have so much more to share with you and hopefully we can help and assist each other to get through this misery.

  • Jessica

    I need help!!!! I’ve been together with my husband for 6 years and married for 2. I feel like his life hasn’t changed and he still does whatever he wants. We have one car and I don’t work and have zero money because I stay home with my daughter who is now 16 months old. It’s like he expects me to do everything and doesn’t really want to help. Sorry this is vulgar but everytime I have a thought or feeling about something he says I am a nagging bitch. We got into an argument about intimacy last night and what do I find when I wake up with my daughter in the morning…. An empty house. He decided to go fishing and then golfing with his brother with out so much as a note, a phone call or anything. Knowing I had plans to get out with my friends and have some much needed alone time. The night before he told me I was an ungrateful piece of shit. Granted it’s not like this all the time but I feel like no matter how much I try to express that his daughter and I miss him and would like to do things other than being stuck in the house all day he just doesn’t seem to care which he has told me repeatedly. Tonight I asked him what his deal was and why is he being rude to me when it’s him that made the mistake. Of course he blamed it all on me because of the previous night when I didn’t feel like being intimate. It’s hard for me to be attracted to him when he treats me like shit. Don’t get me wrong I do love the guy and our family but he just doesn’t care. What should I do? My parents are deceased, I have no family and I’m 2500 miles away from my home in California. Stuck in Indiana a place I hate because my husband makes me feel worthless. Just need some advice. I brought up counseling to him but he’s said he is not going and it’s me with the problem. I’m a super nice person and while he was out having fun all day I was stuck in my house cleaning trying to make it look nice for when he got home. Did he notice? Nope he sure didn’t!!! Any advice on what I should do?

    • Caitlin

      I am in the same situation almost! I feel like I need out of the relationship. Love him and our kids but we don’t communicate well and he expects sex even when we are fighting. I turn it down and he gets frustrated.

    • nikki

      wow, at least I’m not alone out there! It’s been 13 years for me. our son is 9. we argue a lot, he never wants to do anything with me. Sex is maybe once every 2-4 months and its only for him. he makes me feel unattractive.

    • vanessa

      Im in the same situation except my husband is on the rd we dont talk for weeks.Then he comes home and is a total jerk!!! I have three boys its real hard i can relate to your situation you can email me to talk harkevanessa at

  • Laurie Post author

    Hello Tricia,

    It sounds like you and your husband have been through alot in the 10 years you’ve been together! I don’t know if you’re going overboard and being controlling. But, I believe that husbands and wives should respect each other’s opinions no matter what.

    I think there is alot going on in your marriage, and I can’t begin to untangle it all for you. I can’t give advice, but I often encourage women to go to counseling on their own. It’s important to get an unbiased, objective opinion on our own behavior and choices. Getting this type of insight can help us figure out how to improve the marriage, or leave the husband.


  • Amy

    have been married 46+ years and I wish I would have left my husband long ago. That was my mistake and the only person I blame is myself. We live in the same house but apart, since day one he’s lived in the basement and I upstairs. We never slept or had sex together, only one time we had sex and I don’t think was in me. It was a 5 minute thing, I never enjoyed it and all these I don’t understand what went wrong. I’m in my upper 60’s hate all men, have no kids or real close friends any more they all died. Plus we haven’t any real money for me to venture out on my own . Just stuck and hoping one day it will be all over.

  • Laurie Post author

    Mrs J,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your experience. It sounds like you have alot to work through, and you can’t decide if you should leave your common-law, or keep supporting him. You’ve invested a great deal of time, money, and energy in him and your relationship, so it’s not easy to walk away!

    Where do you want to be in one year from now? Remember that you can’t change him – you can only change how you respond to him. You only have control over yourself, not him. Knowing this, what do you want your life to look like in one year? What do YOU have to do to take your life in the direction you want?

  • Laurie Post author

    Hello Laurie,

    Thanks for being here, and sharing your experience. It sounds like you’ve been through alot over the years with your husband!

    Have you talked to a counselor? Not a marriage counselor, but one for you. You need to get healthy and happy, for your own sake. Then, you can decide what to do about your husband.

    You can’t change your husband, but you can change how you respond to and interact with him. I don’t know if your marriage problems mean you should leave him – I can’t tell you that, and either should a counselor! But it’s important for you to take the time to figure out if you can stay with your husband the way he is, or if you should leave.

    Yes, leaving your marriage is scary. There is no doubt about it. What I always do when I have to make a huge life decision is picture myself when I’m 80. Do I want to look back on my life with satisfaction because I took healthy risks, or do I want to see a life of fear and regret? Your answer to this question is different than mine, and that’s good. The important thing is that you ask yourself the question.

    Also, your comments inspired me to write this article:

    I wish you all the best, and hope you keep in touch.


    • Ms. J

      Hi Laurie this is a great site. I am not married but I have been in a relationship for 4 years and 2 of which ive been engaged. I dated the same guy 3 years followed by a 6 year break. During the first 3 years we dated… I worshipped him. He was my first love I was 19. At that time he did no wrong. He treated me soo good. He couldn’t keep his hands off of me. He was on top of the world and he was at his best. I was very young and hadn’t experienced life and was still a virgin and he was willing to wait of course but other things complicated the relationship at the time such as my Christian beliefs.. He was a partier and I was a church girl. But we were just so in love. He always said we would never be together.. because of our differences. He finally broke up with me after the first 3 years of us being together. It hurt me so bad,,, it took me 2 years to just get over it.. I loved him so much. I hated him for hurting me. I was kicked out of College bc my grades were so horrible bc of the break up. I disappointed my parents. He continued his life dating another girl. I tortured my self by driving by his house seeing her car there. It was the worst few years of my life. I finally came to grips with things and moved on. Got back into school picked my grades up. Finally after 6 years I had let things go enough to speak to him again. He had been in a 6 year relationship that didn’t work out. I don’t know why I didn’t take my time getting back into a relationship with him especially since he probably needed to heal from his break up but I did. I also had a 2 year relationship that I was just getting over with with another guy. So we talked and it was almost like feelings rekindled again. But this time we were different people. I was more mature and more guarded against being hurt again. He was into gambling and drinking a lot more than I had ever been used to. He sometimes stayed out all night gambling and other times he was drunk. He would text females and porn. Because I still was a virgin at 29. He still waited of course, he was dealing with dwi and other court matters from things he had gotten into during that 6 year period. So his license were suspended just everything was crazy. I as a good woman.. encouraged him prayed for him. He was depressed a lot. I saw where I brought joy to his life. This time my feelings of being in love with him as I was before wasn’t there. He wasn’t the same person that grabbed me held me. So now for the first time in 4 years Ive started to think about me. I have given and given and given. He is in school and is not working. Sometimes we stay together sometimes not… he has his place I have mine. but sometimes I wonder if I could even live with him. the drinking, depression, inability to make the right decisions at times. He put hisself in a lot of the crap he’s in. I shouldn’t be punished for that. now I have to drive him around bc he chose to drink and drive. I am angry. As I look back over the 13 year span ive had with and without him. And I feel sometimes that ive waisted so much time. I love him and think and hope that he will get better. He has good points… he is talented musician, he loves horses, he is very honest speaks his mind which I love. He cooks for me, cleans and does those type of things. Finally lost my virginity at 30 and he is great in that department. But I have became very tired of pushing and supporting and feeling like im not getting the same back, bc he is to depressed with life. He feels like a failure. I have taken some time away from the relationship although we are still together. Im in the process of buying a home, although we are engaged, he doesn’t have a steady job to show me that he is willing to make contributions. I do make more money than him but from my view it doesn’t seem that he is ready for marriage. Maybe im asking too much. His license is suspended for a year… I hate driving him around for something I told him he needs to stop doing. I think he is finally waking up but im so OVER this cycle that I almost wonder if its too late. All I want to do now is just be by myself. Being in his presense too long makes me think of how some of his decisions has affected my life negatively. So I just decided that while we are together im gonna focus on me. Put myself first. Before I decide to get married. I have numbmed myself so much. I just stay busy. he is not abusive but he just seems like he is existing. He isn’t making money he used to make so he is just there no aspiration no drive anymore not like the man I used to know when we first fell in love. Do I wait around for him to get back on the wagon or do I keep it moving. Ive invested time money. I put in application for him to get jobs and go to school. I paid for his school. Im trying to be there but I just have become way to frustrated and TIRED!! im sorry this is so long. thanks for reading

      • Jo

        If I were you I would NOT continue this relationship. I am married to someone very similar….it did not get better, in fact, it has only gotten worse. When my Husband feels like a failure because of the choices he has made (similar to the ones you mentioned), he finds other women (usually via the internet) that make him feel better about himself. This has been an awfully painful relationship and if it were not for our children, I wouldn’t even consider trying to make it work. I wish I could go back and rewrite and ending or two…..

  • Laurie Dishaw

    I have been married to my husband for 32 years. We married fairly young and had one son who is now 31 years old. We both worked and contributed to paying our bills and creating assets throughout the years. His idea of marriage was not the same as mine. He grew up in a broken home, I didn’t. He has been physically abusive to me a handful of times throughout the years. He is non-communicative so I just learned from him to sweep our problems under the rug. We’ve never learned to talk about our problems. The last straw for me is when he retired at the age of 48 after getting his 30 years in construction. He has a nice pension and I was happy for him. When I brought up the subject of him working a part-time job so we could sock some money away for me to be able to retire, he blew me off. I mean, who retires at 48??? I will be working, at the least, 20 years more than him. I never had jobs with fat pension plans but I worked because we couldn’t live on one income. I had some crappy jobs but I did it. I find myself resenting him more each day. He hunts, fishes, and plays all the time while he watches me go to work each day. I’ve lost so much respect for him because of this. To be honest, I’m not sure I even love him anymore. I’ve had no say in any of the major milestones in our life, he made all the decisions. I’m afraid if I don’t divorce him now, I’ll always wonder what could have been. Problem is, I’m scared. I don’t want to make a major mistake. What do you think I should do — any advise?

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Crystal,

    Your comments inspired me to write an article about Christian marriage and divorce, and I offer a couple of suggestions for you in it:

    Questions for you:

    What is the Holy Spirit guiding you to do?

    What word do you get from God, others, or the Bible when you pray about your marriage?

    Is your reluctance to get divorced because of your religious background and beliefs, or because God really is asking you to stay in this marriage?

    • Crystal


      Thank you so much for replying to me! I never went into detail about our marriage, but I have been stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship. I feel like you wrote that article just for me. All my friends and family have told me about the way he treats me and I never wanted to accept it or believe it. We tried talking last night and I tried to tell him how he puts people down or talks harshly to people, and he dismissed my feelings. My daughter screamed at him that she hates him and then the next moment she was crying and saying when she’s upset all she wants is for her Dad to put her arms around her and hug her. My husband just sat there when she told him this. When I brought it up to him again and said that was an invitation for him to hug her, he replied, “She just told me she hates me. I’m not going to hug her after that!” I just looked at him in disbelief because I can see the cry of her heart just wanting her father to love her. I still don’t know if I have a spine and I’m strong enough to leave because I’ve been a stay at home mom for almost our entire marriage and have no means of income on my own. But thank you for your words of wisdom in making me feel it’s ‘okay’ if I do decide to leave him.

  • Crystal

    I am contemplating divorce. My husband and I have been married for 19 years. We have had problems the past few years that keep coming up every couple months. I have stayed just because I’m a Christian and God hates divorce and there has been no infidelity. But now my husband and 15yr old daughter are butting heads and he says she is turning out just like me. They got in a fight this morning and my daughter said she wants to be emancipated and move out. My husband said to give him the papers and he would kick her out himself. Now my daughter says she will leave and move out if I don’t leave him. I feel torn between trying to continue to make things work or lose my daughter. My husband says I have ruined his life and everything is my fault. I just feel drained. I have tried everything to make things work and I’m not perfect and have made mistakes too, but I can’t keep living this way. Suggestions?

    • kate

      you need to leave him regardless if you are a christian or not…Nothing is permanent in life, we go through different seasons, and when love is gone and is unberable at home, and kids are in the middle and suffer it is time to move on!…i have 4 children, and I left my husband and divorced him, that was the best decision i ever made…:)….do the same, there is someone else out there for you, who will make you happier, life is too short to be unhappy….good luck, nd god bless…btw…no one knows what God thinks, BUTGod do not want you to be unhappy and your children….

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Sal,

    It sounds like you’re working through one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make in your life! Probably the biggest decision. So, it’s normal and even healthy to feel fear. Of course you’re scared of the future! There are so many unknowns, so many possibilities.

    I believe the key to being a healthy, happy woman is knowing that there will always be unknowns in your life. More importantly – the key to being happy and healthy is trusting that you have the ability to take care of what comes, that you can handle it.

    Take one step at a time. Connect with God, or a whatever you conceive a Higher Power to be. Envision what you want out of your life, and start creating what you want.

    I don’t know if you should leave your husband – that’s between you and God. But, I do know that the only way to handle uncertainty and fear of the unknown is to take it one step at a time, and trust that your life is unfolding the way it should. Follow your heart and your gut. You won’t be misled if you stay connected to your true self.

    In peace and passion,

    • Tricia

      Hello. My husband and I have been fighting g a lot. We have 3 sons together been in a relationship for 10 years married for 6. I’m contemplating separation. All because I feel like he doesn’t want to spend time with me. I have to bring it up to him which starts a fight. He is a drug addict in recovery. I have been going through this battle with him for 7 years off and on. I have no trust in him. Once I build it up it gets lost again by something new he does. Now I have suspicions he might be using something again. He doesn’t have missing money though. But he always has an excuse to leave everyday. He had to go see his best friend everyday and wants him to go places with him all the time. I told him I don’t like that he had to see him every day. He can call him if he wants to talk to him. But he says he live 5 mins walking from us why am I going to call him. It really bugs me because this “friend” was one that did drugs with him so I can’t trust that he not doin anything with him. My husband says I’m being controlling by wanting to know where he is and who he’s with and what time…bla bla bla. I’m jot controlling in jealous that he hangs out with his friend and asks him to go places with him and he is now trying g to get him a job with him. Am I going over board?

  • Sal

    Hi there
    I have just found this article – i went away recently to look after my sick dad overseas and the time away from my family (just 10 days) and my two young kids 3&5 was the clarity of distance I needed. I missed my kids but not my husband.

    I also was exposed to old friendships while away that had made change – had moved on – had not put up or settled with an ok or not ok situation. I found this quite amazing to see people who had been in long terms relationships of 10+ years have the courage to go out and change their situation. One friend saying she had never felt the love that she felt know with a new partner. And she deserved it.

    I came home from caring for my dad to my husband and my kids and immediately picked up my mother role -as you do – days worth of jetlag – few short tempers and yukky sleepless nights and I just felt this weird feeling of ‘have i settled’ and i really happy? Am I compromising with this man. It is not the first time I have thought this. We have grown apart – we have no shared interests – I do most of the parenting role/household role – despite the odd hands in the air fight about who does what. We are struggling a little financially and we argue alot.

    I went to see a counsellor in December as these thoughts started to manifest into worry and made me feel anxious/nervous. who explained i have a lot on my plate not only am I caring for my sick fathers affairs from afar I am also trying to weigh up my future and what that looks like – we did some work in to my past and every relationship on my family side are broken except for an aunt. No wonder I have this in me. M y parents are no longer together – mum left dad in her 60s. This is what has led to/triggered early onset dementia. She finally left – I admire her courage but i despise the outcome with dad. Why wait that long – I wish she had left sooner.

    Also my husbands folks are still together but their relationship is far from perfect and they keep secrets from each other – one is more dominant than the other and to me its all bullshit. They put on their ‘jazz hands’

    If you are no longer happy in a relationship it appears to be too clear cut to say – you know what I am a good person – you are a good person we are no longer good together anymore.

    The counselling has continued for me and i am on session 4 – I have looked inside myself – what I can change – what I love – what I am not doing – he does not want to do counselling – as men are so ridiculously private. So here I am thinking well what is there for us?

    We have been together since I was 20 – the world was so very different then – i am now 38 and through the baby bubble – i want to go out from time to time, have moments of laughter, belly hurting laughter, memories of dancing and singing and just letting our hair down. I have different interests and hobbies as does he – and that is OK!

    He did take me away for the weekend as a panic reaction to me explaining where I was at – it was nice but within days of being home we are back to the same old.

    I guess I am looking for something I could be missing – as my counsellor has said I am probably more down the road with this decision than I am actually admitting.

    But I am scared about the future too – scared about financials, scared about blending families, scared about ever being able to meet a man that can make me FEEL again.

    Thanks for listening to my ramble

  • Lisa

    I’ve been married almost 12 yrs now. We both brought one son each and blended the family, both boys graduated high school last year. We also have a 4 yr old. My husband makes the majority of the income for the family and constantly reminds me of how hard he works and how much he pays for. I contribute plenty to the household, however he refuses to acknowledge that and wants to take all the credit. He constantly puts me down about the finances. Not only does he put me down about finances, he puts me down about my lack of organization. I am not one of those neat and tidy people that keeps everything spotless, I am very unorganized and messy. I keep a clean home, it’s just kind of messy. He wants everything neat and tidy. I try to keep it how he wants, I really do, but it’s just never up to his standards. I would spend hours and hours cleaning, and he would come home and say it didn’t look like I did anything. I just feel like no matter what I do or how much I try, it will never be appreciated. So, one day, I just stopped trying. Then he got really pissed, he says he works long hours at work, then has to come home and clean up too. So, I realized I was being unfair, and started to clean again, but of course, it’s still not good enough. There is just no end to this man’s complaints. I try to talk to him about our issues, however, he always turns it into some stupid argument. I cannot have a conversation with him without him turning it into a long drawn out argument with as many put downs as he can throw at me. In about every argument he will tell me he doesn’t love me anymore, I’m too fat, I’m not sexy to him anymore, I am a horrible wife who does absolutely nothing for him, just name one thing that I do for him, I’m lazy. Now, because he only says these things when we argue, is that considered abuse? Now, not only does he say these horrible things to me, I can’t tell you when the last time he touched me, or even had sex with me. We don’t even sleep in the same bed anymore, haven’t for a while. But it’s just as well, when we did, he made sure we could not even touch, like he clung to the edge of the bed. And after all of that, he had an affair last year with a woman he worked with. He got caught early on in the affair, but refused to stop for several months. I put him out but allowed him to come back after a while. Our boys were about to graduate that year and I really did not want to put them through a divorce at that time. So, it appeared he ended the affair and came back home. I was so hurt and angry about that and still am. After a while he finally agreed to go to marriage counseling with me. Now, he says he doesn’t want to go back. I am frustrated because even though we were going through counseling nothing really changed. In fact, only one thing changed, the way he greets me. Thats it. He will say Hi honey, how are you. Then he might say a few things, then off he goes to his corner, and off I go to my corner. He will play with our 4 yr old for a bit, then I take over. No touching, no sex, no intimacy. None! If I confront him on it, he says, it takes time for us to get back to that. Well, to me he’s saying, just wait til I feel like showing you love, just wait. I am tired of waiting and feel like I shouldn’t have to wait for my husband to feel like loving me. In fact, he should be on his knees thanking me for even taking him back, after all the lies and betrayal……So now, I wake up every morning thinking about when is the best time to leave him. I want to leave oh soooo bad. But my 4 yr old loves us both so very much. Last year was so very hard on him. He also has a medical condition and stress can aggravate it. So, I really don’t want to put him through this separation again. We have learned to be nice to each other just so we don’t stress him out so bad. But I really don’t want to raise this son in a loveless marriage. I feel like I would be setting him up to fail in his own future…..what are your thoughts on what I’m going through?
    Thank you for your time.

  • Laurie Post author

    We stay in marriages that are unhappy – even when we know we should leave our husbands – often because we’re scared of being alone. We use all sorts of excuses, but the bottom line is fear.

    Is fear holding you back from deciding whether you should stay or go?

    • Peaches

      FEAR… of course fear is causing me to stay in my marriage of 25 years. I have nothing left to say that my every waking moment is literally consumed with the thoughts, wishes and dreams of leaving my husband. I am a christian, but I also know that the God that I serve does not want me to be unhappy, depressed, lonely and unable to communicate with my mate. I need help, I want out NOW!

    • kate

      YES…it is fear and it was fear for me, especially being from another country with no family here in the state i felt so alone…fear kept me for 16y married to someone mentally abusive and physically as well, i thought it was ok because he never gave me a bleeding nose, but there is different level of abuse….a slap in the face is abuse, pulling hair, etc…that was I went through…then one day but whatever force came into me,i went to see a probono attorney, and thought if it takes my case it is the will of God and a sign that I need to leave my husband…And it happened, he took my case, and I got fullcustody of my 4 kids, my home…..I was still scared cause i had no mone,y no job, and 4 kids to support but it turned ok somehow….I met someone wonderful who helped me every way someone can be helped, and im thankful for that, that God put someone in path…I think, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel…and we need to believe in ourselves and in God….Let go and let God, :)….

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Kerrie,

    I’ve been thinking about you alot, especially since one of my family members is going through a divorce. The destruction and devastation that divorce can cause is heartbreaking…especially if people don’t accept the breakup.

    What would it feel like to be free of your marriage, of your husband, of all the difficulties they both bring? What if you could leave your husband, and actually be happy?

    Why are you holding on to a marriage that is over, and a husband who doesn’t want to be married?

    I wrote this article with you in mind:

    I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts. I will keep you in my prayers – I pray you will gain strength, peace, and even joy in the upcoming months.


  • Sarah

    My story: Married for 15+ years to a decent enough man. We originally were drawn together due to similar interests and love of music. However, behavior patterns (alcohol, financial negligence, dis-honesty, anger issues) have stripped me of my affection and respect. Over the past 5 years, I have attempted to identify the issues that have affected my feelings toward him and have suggested solutions. Changes are always short-lived before the same patterns return. I’m too worn out to even mention them anymore. I guess the question I have to answer, then, is do we all have a right to pursue the course that will make us happiest, even if it means breaking the commitment to a marriage. I have a hard time saying “I love you”. I have no interest in intimacy. We get along. We can even have pleasant conversations and go out to dinner, or even travel. But I’d like to think it’s OK to want more from THE relationship of one’s life – to smile when the other walks into the room or calls. To want to hold hands or snuggle on the couch. To provide sympathy and empathy when the other is having a bad day.

    I’ve fought this discourse for a few years, but haven’t acted . . . do I really think there’s something better, or should I just work with what I have? Except now, I have encountered at least a chance at something better with someone I’ve met. No guarantees. I’m aware of that. But the potential to feel again, giggle, desire, be devoted to another person and have that devotion returned is a very strong pull. And if I can feel this way for someone else, should I be staying with my husband. Trying to not make a mistake. But wanting to end up in a place I can commit to and be happy.

    • Hi

      Sarah, I could have written EXACTLY what you have written, word for word! The only difference is I’ve been married 25+ years. But everything else, exactly the same situation I am in and the decision I am struggling to make. Can you please update me as to what you decided and how that has worked for you?

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Maria,

    Is there another option? If your husband wants to try to work things out, maybe it’s worth thinking about marriage counseling. Divorce is so hard on the whole family, and sometimes it’s worth doing the work to stay together.

    What do you think of marriage counseling?

    • maria

      Well we gave it a try like u suggested Laurie. its been a week since we promised each other the world. we were so sure we would keep trying for the kids. and just today he began acting up because i said no to sex. he acts like a child.

    • kate

      i dont beleive in it just because i think it is a waste of time to try to fix something that is broken….When love is gone why stay into a relationship??……life is too short to go through such non sense….if it was the one, your soulmate or whatever’ well you would not be in a first place in a broken loveless marriage and looking for a conselor??…i think counselors are just here to take your money!….thats my opinion …i have seen enough around me, couples to try to make it work in a loveless relationship, and fail most of the time…

  • maria

    I have been married 7 yrs now. I got married when i was 15. we have been seperated 3 times because he always wanted to leave me. i had a real bad temper but he cheated on me many times. i never left him because i didnt wanna hurt my kids. we two small kids together. 4 and 6. now we have been arguing a lot. and its not healthy for the kids. i wanna leave bc i dont wanna damage my kids anymore with all the fighting. i also wanna leave bc i know this isnt going to get any better. we r never going to be able to work it out. its been 7 yrs and we still cant be happy. theres always something to argue abt. he says we should try again but i dont wanna wait and see how it wont work out. just like all the other times we have tried and never works.

    should i leave .. ?

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Sarah,

    I think that’s a very good question! How can you make yourself happy without expecting your husband to change?

    The answer depends on what makes you happy. How do you find fulfillment, pleasure, happiness? What makes you feel good? Where do you feel the best about yourself?

    Your husband can’t give you what you need…only you can give yourself the love and attention you deserve. I know it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking our husbands should give us what we need, but it’s not their job.

    • Elizabeth

      Hi Ms. Laurie,
      When you say it’s not our husband’s job to give us what we need (in terms of love and attention) what exactly does that mean? Isn’t one of the reasons we get married is because of love and attention? I don’t mean to ask in a confrontational way, I am just curious. I’ve been married a few years and I can relate to what many of these women are saying, but, what should we expect from marriage if not love/attention/support/etc.?

  • Sarah

    I’ve been with my partner for 13 years and we have 3 children. One with special needs. My partner has been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. We have had counselling some with AS experience and some not. I am now thinking of leaving him because I can’t cope with him anymore. Its like having two special needs children in the house. Don’t get me wrong he is good with the children as much as he can be under his circumstances, but its me who feels left out. Am I being selfish I ask? I get no love, no empathy and have no sex life, his choice. I feel like a piece of furniture. No matter how I communicate with him it doesn’t work and he is happy in his own little world. I am crying out for some loving attention, am I asking too much. My head is in a mess. I feel worthless. I have good friends but no family around. No job as I have a long term illness. I stay at the moment because I don’t want the children to suffer financially. I guess what I really asking is how can I make myself happy without the need for love from him?

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Briget,

    I can’t tell you if you should leave him, but I know that trying to change someone is fruitless. You can’t change anyone — the only person you have a chance of changing is yourself.

    I think you need to decide if you can continue to live with your husband the way he is right now. If you can’t, then perhaps you need to start looking at your other options…which include changing yourself or figuring out if you’re ready to seek a divorce.

    • Kerrie

      Hi, I’m new here and have gleaned bits of insights from your responses to others. I have been with my husband for 12 yrs, married 6. We have made it through some really difficult things, the worst being an emotional affair. The first was 2 yrs ago. He was remorseful and asked my forgiveness and eventually I did forgive him. It’s been a Rocky road since, esp as he struggles with intimacy due to his history of emotional, physical and sexual abuse( most has come out after the affair). I tried to stand strong for my marriage(through sickness and health). He attended some counseling, but he stopped going and says it won’t help him to have the feelings and physical attraction he needs to have intimacy with me. 2 years to the day he had another brief emotional affair with an 18 yr old(he’s 35)…he agrees it was inappropriate with the amt of texts, but says the content was not out of line. He says he has ended it, but isn’t remorseful. He won’t show any Facebook content or texts saying he doesn’t want to be interrogated. He also says he cannot commit to the marriage. I am overwhelmed and so disappointed. I have been there for him through so much and he says he feels the right thing to do is divorce me as his “heart isn’t in this.” He will press me to agree and when I share my desire to hold our marriage together, he gets nasty saying it was all a waste! What advice would you have for this heartbroken and emotionally drained wife? Thank you for taking time to read this!!

  • Briget

    I could use some advice, although we are not married, my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We have a beautiful son together. Before baby, we had a pretty good relationship, some rough patches but we loved each other. Now though, he doesn’t want to be home, and feels trapped by the responsibility of the baby and I. Money has been a big stress, however I don’t feel like just because he works gives him the right to stay out all night and pay no attention to the fact that it upsets me. He will also go days without picking our son up which breaks my heart. He doesn’t act like a parent or a grown man. He also has a bad habit of calling me names and when confronted says ” I can’t help it, that’s just who I am.” I’m tired of wanting someone who won’t even try. Should I just move on, or keep trying to change him?

  • Laurie Post author

    I agree, Rhonda! Husbands should not treat their wives that way without some sort of consequence.

    Have you decided what you will do?

  • rhonda

    Coming up on 11yrs next month and am tired of the weekly re-run about him doing what he should be doing. The first 7 yrs we were together I raised my boys with no child support from my ex while my husband paid his support (which was the right thing to do) and I had to support him. He did not take much of an interest in discipline of my boys, after al they were mine and it was my place. My boys are grown with children of their own. For the last 2 yrs my stepson has lived with us. This is where my marriage went to hell. A 12 yr old boy whose mom had left him and all 3 brothers (all different dads) with grandma to raise another mans children because he has a girl. Yep crazy. Of course my husband was not going to make grandma raise his son so he had to come here. Very unhappy because he would have rules and not be able to run the town like he had always done. This is a young man who was in 5th grade and could not read. It took me less than 2 days of working with him to realize why. Within a month he was reading at his grade level. 7th grade honor roll all year. The problem, I had to fight daily to get him to try. Dad says nothing. The young man is smart enough to know that if I am not here he will get to do whatever he wants because dad does nothing when it comes to setting rules and making sure they are followed. He also knows I am done with fighting. He will do something he knows he is not supposed to do and when asked why he answers because I wanted to. And dad does nothing. So I feel that dads lack of stepping up just leads the young man to feel he can disrespect me and my home. He wants me to leave so he can do what he wants. I am sure part of it is the way his mom left him, and has done nothing for him in the last 2yrs except send $40 for book fees this year. He did go to stay with her for a month and when he got back it was like he had never been here. Very rude and disrespectful, wouldn’t do as asked (if I asked). I have cried and pleaded and yelled to no change. I think I love my husband, but I am no longer sure. This keeps putting more and more distance between us and not sure we can find the way back. Today he told me he didn’t want his daughter to go through this with her children. He could not have twisted the knife any harder. It is not acceptable for her but it is ok for me. For yrs he blamed his mother for his parents splitting. I let him know that he is just like his father, so maybe he better put most of the blame where it goes. You can not treat your wife that way and expect her to stay forever.

  • marie


    i just got your response! Thanks a ton! I did decide to leave him. moved back to my parents with my little girl like two weeks ago. i simply just couldn’t allow my little girl to grow up thinking that that’s how a relationship is supposed to be and that that’s how a man is supposed to treat her. Thank you for reassuring my feelings from an outsiders point of view. you took my thoughts and put them into words. We have our first court hearing othe day after tomorrow(wednesday) for custody and child support. he’s been talking to me in a way that he never has before and even bought me an engagement ring because he “wanted to propose”, crazy, right?! i just have to keep reminding myself that he’s never going to change, a ring wont change anything, he’s giving too little too late, and to keep praying for him. please keep us in your prayers as i venture off into this new life. single mother. student. unemployed. and soon extern where they hopefully will hire me. thankfully, dentistry will always be around.

    Thanks again,

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear hmc,

    Several things came to my mind when I read your comments! The first is that if you’re a Believer, then you need to put your faith into action. Being a Christian isn’t just about staying faithful to your wedding vows. It’s about living out the love, peace, freedom, compassion, and joy that Jesus offers. How do you do this? By reconnecting with God and your spiritual self.

    The second thing that I thought of is that of COURSE you’re attracted to your ex! He’s exciting, romantic, and full of chemistry. You haven’t had to work out your relationship with him, or fought about household chores and parenting. He’s exciting because you are not married to him. If you were married to him, the butterflies would not be as active as they are now. Maybe there would be no butterflies at all.

    Have you and your husband tried marriage counselling? If you’re tired of talking, maybe you need to take some kind of action.

    What do you think?


  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Georgie,

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing how you feel. It sounds like you’re really struggling with your marriage, responsibilities, and health. There is alot of heaviness in your life right now.

    But, there is also lightness and freedom! Your life – like all of our lives – is both bitter and sweet.

    Is there any way to rekindle the romance and excitement with your husband? It might be good to start thinking of “romance” and “excitement” in different ways. Not the Hollywood movie version of romance and excitement, and not the romance we feel when we’re in our teens and twenties.

    What are other ways to revive your life outside of your marriage? That’s another thing I would think about, how to become alive outside of my relationship.

    I’m glad your friends will support you no matter what. You’re lucky to have them. It sounds like you have fun with them, and you really connect with them! That’s important.


  • hmc

    I have been married 4 years, and have a 3 year old. My husband and I love each other, but I feel like our relationship is lacking. When we fight, it gets to the point ti where one of us has a bag packed. He doesn’t communicate and I’ve spent 4 years trying to get him to. I feel like we just go through the motions and that’s it. I am a christian and believe I promised to be there for him. I wouldn’t cheat on him, he doesn’t deserve that. But I recently found my ex who gives me butterflies. We have a strong connection and I feel beautiful, and sexy, and wanted with him. Am I being selfish for even considering going back to him? I don’t want to lose my daughter and I don’t want her away from her father…my husband and I have talked our wants and needs to death…I miss feeling how I do with my ex….I just don’t know what to do.

  • Georgie

    No, no porn, no infidelity, nothing. Except for the lack of sexual desire, he is pretty much perfect. I have been very sick (tumors, then I broke my back three years later) and he has cared for me. I almost died twice and I think he had to let me go when it happened. We have talked and nothing will change anything. I have considered a geographical separation but not a legal one. We went out to dinner with another couple and he sat so far away from me that I was embarrassed- and we were side by side! He walks apart from me and I feel like his roommate, not his wife. The two friends I have talked to – one single, one married- will support me no matter what. But, the single one would do anything to be married and tells me how lonely it is out there. My married friend has been through tough times and has almost left her husband for similar circumstances.

    I am exhausted. My back surgeries were a failure and I have lost my job. I have no friends here (everyone here is in their 60’s and up). I want my life back. I want romance. I want excitement and I want my friends near me. Sorry. Not just about my husband, I am afraid. When I go and visit my friends, I feel like I am soaring. I can breathe.

  • Laurie Post author

    Thanks for your comments, Lisa, and for sharing the link. It’s a great article, and I hope my readers click over to it!

  • Laurie

    Dear Georgie,

    It sounds like you’re ready to leave your husband – especially if you feel relief at the thought! What will your next step be? Have you thought about telling your friends and family how unhappy you are?

  • Columba Lisa Smith

    I just wrote about this difficult topic today. I am for avoiding divorce unless there’s infidelity or abuse of any kind. Commitment doesn’t seem to count for much these days. I think it’s usually best to hang in there and ride out the rough times. Divorce is NOT the relief people expect. It’s another set of problems, and you’re on your own. Here’s my post about it:

    Georgie, I am sorry about your situation. Is it possible your husband might have a hidden problem with porn? Applying grace and good counseling to that has healed a lot of marriages from the issue you describe.

  • Georgie

    I just found your article. I don’t know what to do with my marriage and am considering leaving. My husband has absolutely no desire for me. He loves me but has zero interest in sex and hasn’t for the past seven years. I have begged, cried and talked myself blue in the face but he just is not interested. I realized a few weeks ago that my desire for him has finally died. I think we both deserve to find a happy ground and it might not be with each other. He is a good man, works 12-15 hrs a day and puts me first in every other aspect. I am so lonely and my heart is in a million pieces. When I think of leaving and starting over, I feel relief. Oh, and my MIL mentioned that her husband’s desire completely died at the age of 50 – my husband’s died at 53-ish. I am just worn out from playing the part of the happy wife. None of our friends or family would believe what is going on in my life or how unhappy I am.

  • Laurie

    Dear Marie,

    It sounds like your boyfriend isn’t willing to change his behavior to make you happy. He likes sending texts to other women, and isn’t going to stop no matter how much you beg.

    Have you decided if you’re going to leave him? He won’t change…so you need to decide if you should stay with him and accept him for who he is right now, or leave.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, for strength and courage to make the best decision for you and your daughter.


  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Amy,

    Have you ever heard the quote, “It’s never too late to be what you might have been” — or to have a life you want?

    I don’t think it’s too late to start over. You may live for another 40 years! Even if you live for 5 more years…do you really want to continue living in misery?

    Here’s an article I wrote for my New Beginnings blog:

    How do you want to spend the next 20 years of your life? Pretend you could do anything, be anyone, and go anywhere. Let yourself dream a little! Tell me what you would do and be if you left your husband.

    Stay true to you,

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Emily,

    Thank you so much for coming back and giving me an update! It sounds like your husband is trying to change – IS changing – and that’s fantastic. It shows that he’s a good man who wants a good life and good marriage.

    This was an important lesson for me. Sometimes husbands and wives need to be encouraged and supported towards change. They don’t always know on their own that things need to change, or that we’re unhappy. We need to be honest and open about what we need and want…and hopefully our spouses will listen to us and try to change. I think I’ll try encouraging my readers to talk about their marriages more, instead of impulsively deciding to leave their husbands.

    Thanks again for your comments, Emily! I will continue to keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers 🙂


  • Emily

    Hello again. I have been reading your comments and I wanted to thank you all. My husband and I have talked about all of the things I was concerned about. It’s been a few weeks now and things are really much better. He realized he’s been in a spiral of negativity that needs to stop, and it hasn’t just been with me! He’s started trying to inject positivity into our social circle by making clever jokes that build people up instead of bringing them down, and just being generally more supportive of me and our friends. He’s cut back his work hours and started taking the initiative to get some of the projects we’ve been meaning to do around the house done. I also told him I think we should wait a while longer to start a family. He took that pretty hard, but he says if I feel like we need to work on us for a while, he’s on board.

    And thank you, Laurie, for continuing to check this thread and respond. It’s the first thing that pops up when someone googles those dreaded words, and I think you’re providing a great service for women who really need someone to talk to.


  • Marie

    my boyfriend of 6 years falls into just about ALL of those points. we are constantly at each others throats. we have a 2 year old little girl, so this complicates things. i’m a student and he works full time. even before i quit working(my TWO jobs) when i was pregnant all the same stuff was going on. we are at each others throats all the time, he texts other girls inappropriatley. even told one that he still loved her and how much he wants to be with her and when she told him that he needed to make a change in his life and try to make it work out if not for the love of the family, then for our daughter, he said that he was scared to make a change because he’s scared that i’m going to take our daughter. this same girl, we had problems over years ago. over the years he’s randomly text her or sent her random pics and even sent her messages saying “you will always be the love of my life” SEVERAL times over the years. he sends “dirty texts” to other girls what seems like every other week. and everytime he gets caught he profusely appologizes, but it always happens no longer than a month later. i can’t take it any longer. i’ve begged him to quit and he just doesn’t see anything wrong with it since he’s not actually touching these girls so he doesn’t see it as cheating. in my opinion it IS cheating. especially when instead of telling all of these other girl these things, he could be saying them to me. i think i’m going to leave him. i could look past the dirty texts. but telling a woman that you love her and that you want to be with her and not me, is simply just not acceptable. please give me your thoughts as well as prayers!

  • Amy

    I tell you my husband falls in a lot of the above catagories, In fact he’s told me if I want to leave just leave and don’t let the door hit you in the @$%.
    We’ve been married 45 + years, no kids, no nothing. He had sex with me once my last and only time, then spent the next hour telling me how gross sex was. He couldn’t understand why any one in there right mind would do some thing so degrading to another human. The next day he moved to our basement and set up an apartment, and I wasn’t included, I was not to bother him, and don’t talk to him. If I wanted something fixed write a note and he would take care of it. He also started to work the midnight shift, he worked when ever he could all weekend, holidays, his yearly vacation (he worked every one else’s vacations). I’ve even left him on occasion once for 18 months and he never called or missed me. I’ve put up with this for all these years that I really don’t care about him, me or anything else. I’m in my mid 60’s now and my time is running out so why care any more.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Emily,

    I think Tip gave you valuable, thoughtful advice. Children don’t ease the stress of marriage – they exacerbate it! Parenting, emotional ties, and our own childhood experiences make parenting difficult, and affect the health of a marriage.

    If you and your husband have relationship struggles, I encourage you to sort them out before you have kids. A child (or children) will complicate your life in so many ways, and you won’t have the luxury of talking things through or even being able to walk away if you want to.

    I believe bad habits do worsen over time – but I’ve also met couples who have pulled it together for the sake of the kids. This is a risk, but it has paid off for some.

    Have you talked to a counsellor about this? I think that’s the best thing to do – sit down and talk through your experiences and emotions, and get objective feedback in person.

    What do you think?


  • Ashley R.

    Sigh. Every single one of those signs was in my marriage. My husband made no effort to see this and is not willing to change or see a counselor. Whenever I tried talking maturely with him about it to improve our marriage, he got mad saying I just want to argue. In his mind, we would’ve had a happy marriage if I allowed myself to be disrespected. I’ve come to accept that he is just too immature, and all he cares about is his immature friends. I love him a lot but I left because couldn’t stay with someone that literally did not care about me and put me first. He wouldn’t communicate with me about anything, he’d make important decisions without talking with me about it, he always defended his friends disrespect towards me and never once stuck up for me. He said he didn’t want us to have mutual friends because he didn’t want to be “snitched on” and then couldn’t understand why I didn’t trust him, he always perceived things I said the wrong way and would walk out on me refusing to listen to what I meant, he viewed me as an enemy. He spent thousands of dollars on his moocher friends, but blamed me for not having any money and he never really spent money on me besides basic household items. He blamed EVERYTHING on me. He would lie, not share finances, treated me like a child, everything had to go ‘his’ way. No compassion, no understanding, no respect, no care, no communication, love or appreciation for me. There’s a lot more I could write but as you can already see, this marriage was a huge mess and we’re currently going through a divorce. No kids, thank God. But it’s still hard to move on because we’ve been together 9 years and he only started to treat me this way the moment we got married. He told me before “a wife’s place is with her husband” but his place wasn’t with me. He didn’t even care that I left. I know I was a great wife and maybe one day he’ll realize that. Advice to men and women out there, if he/she loves you, they will stick with you and do anything to make it work. You can’t be the only one trying, like I did. It takes two, and as hard as it may be to leave, especially if there’s children, do what feels right in your heart. Listen to your inner voice. It will be hard but it will get better. Nobody should feel like they have to live a life of disrespect and misery just for someone else. Someone else can treat you better. Do what’s best for you.

  • Tip

    Please heed my warning… This sounds exactly like my marriage and although I adore my husband… He NEVER changed, became more complacent and took more advantage of me as time went on. I too made more money and did more around the house, and this later became a source on contention for him. Now we are 11 years in and have 2 kids and not a day goes by that I am scared that I will ruin my children’s lives if we get a divorce or worse, I stay and still ruin their lives as they witness a mother that is not loved by their father. I thought that he loved me… He ALWAYS said he did… But if our husbands truly love/loved us, they will take ALL necessary steps and actions to make themselves better for the relationship, anything less is just more slack that you are giving him. An inch today eventually turns into a mile. I pray you don’t find yourself where I am today. I love my husband and I love my children… But it is clear that I should have heeded the warning signs that came long before I had my kids. Find the strength to leave, if you feel it in your heart now there MUST be a reason. Don’t wait until you have kids, they only make the situation more complicated… If the two of you can’t fix the marriage now, kids wont fix it later. I pray this helps.

  • Emily

    My husband and I met in college. We’ve been together for 8 years, married for 4, no kids yet. He’s my favorite person to spend time with and we have lots of the same hobbies, but frequently throughout our relationship I’ve been disappointed and wondered how much I’m really in love with him. I’ve tried to call it quits a couple of times, but each time he apologizes profusely and makes an honest effort to fix whatever has been wrong. He’s never hit me, but a handful of times over the years he has pushed me, or shouted in my face, or raised a fist that was never delivered. He also has a habit of using negative humor when he’s stressed. He makes jokes about how I’m fat or bad at something or that I must be cheating on him, especially in front of our friends. This was the most recent thing I confronted him about and it’s been much better for the last few weeks. That and his work hours. We both have good jobs, in fact I make more money than he does, but he works significantly more hours. This leaves me with the brunt of the housework and personal business in addition to my full time job. The thing is I’m realizing that I have more than a few things I’d like to be different. I’d like him to watch the negative jokes, I’d like him to work less, I’d like him to smoke less weed, I’d like him to help out around the house more, I’d like him to be better about answering his cell phone, etc. At some point there’s a limit to what I can reasonably ask him to do before he starts resenting me. We’re 28 years old now and thinking about starting a family. I’m just wondering if some of these bad habits will worsen over time and I should get out now, before there are kids in the picture.


  • Laurie Post author

    Dear JT,

    It sounds like you’re at the end of your rope. You’re confused and frustrated, and you have nowhere to turn.

    But I think you DO HAVE SOMEWHERE TO TURN! Call legal aid or a free lawyer service for women, and ask what your rights are. I don’t know if your husband can keep your child because of adultery, but I wouldn’t listen to his threats without checking them out.

    I don’t know what the law is in your area – you need to call and fight out what will happen if you leave. I suspect your husband is using your son as a pawn to make you stay.

    Call legal aid, and let me know what they say about the chances of you keeping your son.


  • Laurie Post author

    Dear J,

    It sounds like money and comfort are the things keeping you in your marriage. You like your lifestyle, and it’s not easy to give up the comforts that money brings! I get it.

    Women who leave their husbands often face financial hardships, even if they’re employed full-time. There’s a huge sacrifice to getting a divorce.

    The question is, are you willing to sacrifice the comforts of money and material possessions, and leave your husband to make a fresh start? The only person who can make this decision is you.

    When you’re 70 years old, what do you want to remember when you look back on your life?

    Stay true to you,

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Shelley,

    I don’t know why he’s staying with you….but I’m curious why you’re staying with him? He makes you feel awful, he’s insulting, rude, and a bully. You don’t love him.

    What is holding you back from starting fresh?

    Here’s an article that may help – it’s about transitioning from marriage to divorce:

    Stay true to you,

  • JT

    I have been with my husband for 27 years. We have a daughter 26 and a son 8. I will soon be a grandmother. I cannot stand my husband. In the beginning he was controlling and I chalked it up to his insucurity, not being confident. As the years roll by he no longer works, says he cannot make as much money as me and the cost of daycare would be more than he made, ok I was making good money. Well now I am not, after our son was born it made sense for him to stay home because I have no family here to help. He is eight and my spouse still does not work. Times are tough.

    I hate my life, and my only solace is my kids, my daughter hardly talks to me because of her father and his constant arguing. She is married and I am hardly part of her life.

    He controls everything, I am at work and as soon as my time is up he calls to make sure I am coming home. I work retail. He goes out for HOURS and never checks in comes home and god forbid if he is not on a good mood, then I have to hear for hours how horrible of a person I am, how unloving, how selfish, what the heck. I work, clean, pay the bills, everything.

    I had an affair, who wouldn’t. Someone wanted me for me, told me I was beautiful, and I left that to stay here. I,try to leave and he threatens to take my son because I am an adulteress. I have no clue what my rights are, I do not know what to do, but I cannot continue like this, I am getting older and I cannot finish the rest of my life like this. Surviving, my son and I living for when he goes out. I have somewhere to go, but can he take my son?

    Then I worry, what will become of him, what will he do, how will he live? Omg I just cannot take anymore. My heart hurts when he comes home, when he calls me at work, when I hear him talking to himself down stairs when I go to bed. I hate it, and I am scared.

    He checks my phone, my mail, my purse, if I am stuck in traffic he burns my phone up. I do not want my son growing up like this, always asking why I have to work and dad does not. That dad never plays with him.

    I need strength and knowledge, but I do not where to go to get it.

  • Izara

    I don’t know what to do anymore. I am married to a clueless ogre of a man. I don’t know if I am mistaking his clueless behavior for hostility, but check out what happened just today. He wanted our two kids, and me, to come with him to his company’s field day today. No problem, right. I’m thinking, this would be a nice day for the kids to swim and etc. since there is a pool on the premises and the kids were looking forward to it. So we get there, and he does what he always does…*poof* vanishes, and leaves me and our kids stranded in an unknown place with unknown people.

    Turns out, the kids couldn’t even swim because the big ass adult kids were housing the pool for 3-4 hours to have some volleyball tournament, and it’s a pool that’s 3-4 feet deep with a kiddie slide made especially for the kids. Lame right? And there were tons of kids there that were quite upset, not just mine. I guess juvenile behavior is smiled upon at his company. So, I’m all alone, the kids are bored and upset, and it’s all on me. He does this All. Of. The. Time. He links up with one or more of his buddies, and off he goes. The kids and I spent close to an hour looking all over this HUGE park for him. I finally said screw it, and hoofed it home (he has the keys and our bag too) with the kids and called him once I got in. “Where were you at?” his reply, “Oh, you didn’t see me? I was in the gym.” We looked in the gym about 4 times, no husband. We walked all over. No sight of him.

    I try to keep things upbeat for my kids, even though I am steaming pisssed, so we collected sticks and pretended to be ninja warriors looking for our master who was stolen by a rival dojo. Keep in mind this is TX and it’s hot as hell out here. I’m so tired of coming in 2nd, 3rd, 4th place to his ego or whatever. He gets around his little bonehead friends and forgets all about us. I didn’t know anyone there. I asked him to call me once the pool opened for the kids to swim, well, he was taking forever, so I called him, Now he won’t even answer his phone when I call. It goes right to the machine. I’m sorry, I’m not sitting out in 100 degree heat with two cranky kids that are just going to be tormented by watching adults play volleyball for hours in a kid’s pool while their dad roams around acting like he’s single playing frat boy games and neglecting us.

    I’m so done with this idiot that I could spit. I hope he chokes on a chicken bone. I would not even shed a tear. I’ve been through too much, it’s just too much to get into, this is just today’s drama. Don’t even get me started about how he can’t get it up, how obese he is, how he likes to show me off like I’m some kind of an accessory and his piss poor hygiene. Uggh, he was not like this when I married him. I got out of the Army to be there for him and our kids. I wish I never did that because I want to leave his ass so badly.

  • J

    I’m thinking about divorcing my husband. We’ve been married 18 years and have a 14 year old son. I knew I wanted out when my son was 6 months old, but stayed because I knew my son needed his father and I didn’t think I could support myself. I am not physically attracted to him at all. We haven’t had sex in over a decade and haven’t slept in the same bed for over 8 years. (Even though I’ve never said it, he thinks I don’t like sex at all when the truth is I just don’t want to have sex with him!) I really can’t stand the sight of him and the sound of his voice on most days. He is generally a nice guy, though, that’s what makes it difficult. He does have a temper, does a lot of yelling and can get ticked off easily, to the point where he’s caused a few scenes in public. But, he’s not violent and has never laid a hand on me or been verbally abusive. We do argue every day. But, he’s actually good to me – I get everything I want, although it usually takes an argument to get it, and financially, we’re very fortunate. We have a nice home and cars and we travel. Financials and the change in lifestyle are my worry. I’m working on finishing up my bachelor’s degree and would like to get a job when I complete it, but I worry about how I could afford a home of my own. I think he knows he holds the financial cards over me and he knows that I really have no one to turn to as far as family for help and I can’t tell you how much that bothers me. That’s why I want to get my degree in order to get a job. (If I’d already had the degree and job, I would’ve left him a long time ago – right or wrong.) Even though he’s aware that things are obviously not ideal, I don’t think he would ever divorce me. I’m 41 and still look good while he is 52 and aging. I don’t know if that puts me in a trophy wife category, but that’s what it feels like to me, that he thinks he couldn’t get anyone as young as I am, so I think he just accepts the way things are. I want to have a sex life with someone I’m compatibile with, or at the very least, attracted to. Not having a sex life brings tears to my eyes. I’d appreciate any advice.

  • Shelley

    How do I know if I should leave my husband. I have been married for 26 years. I have 4 children, 20, 17, 11, and 9. I work full time, do all of the household chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, lawn care, and child rearing. I have no common interests with my spouse. He controls the finances, the TV, and everything else once he walks in the door from work. He demands that we attend church, he is adamant that the boys all attend a Catholic school and the tuition is killing us. He tells me I am fat, and reminds me quite regularly that I don’t earn nearly what other spouses earn, as they are all in the medical field. I find that I really need a break from him. I already have 4 children, I don’t want to raise him too…. He is a bully and contributes nothing to my emotional or financial security. I feel dead and I resent ever marrying him. Please advise, am I too focused on my own needs? He has told me many times over that I need to grow up and that I am a bitch. If I am, then why does he stay????

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Christina,

    It sounds like you’re living in a prison, and you’re very unhappy. Is there any reason you should stay with your husband? What is keeping you there?

    Stay true to you,

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Laila,

    It sounds like you know what you need to do, but you’re having trouble finding the strength to leave your husband because you’re afraid of so many things. It’s so difficult to leave even the most abusive men, because we don’t know what our future holds.

    I feel your fear, frustration, and disappointment that you can’t have a happy, healthy relationship. Your husband won’t become the man you want him to be, and you need to find the courage to either stay with him the way he is, or start over.

    I encourage you to surround yourself with women who are strong, independent, and happy. Find support in person, to help you decide what to do with your life.

    You ARE a valuable, smart, kind, loving woman — and you DESERVE to have a good man in your life! But you need to take a deep breath, and think about the first steps you’ll need to take to rebuild your life — apart from a man. I think you need to be strong as a single woman, and then you’ll attract a good man into your life.

    What do you think?


  • Christina

    I have been married to my husband for a little over 2 years. We have been together for 5 years. I met him when I was 16 and he was 17. It was love at first sight. When I was 18 I found out I was pregnant with my son. He had me move in with his family because my parents and brothers were moving to Arizona and he didn’t want me to leave. Before we knew I was pregnant everything with his family was great. We never had any problems or fights. Right after I got pregnant everything changed. He got a job and was going to college so he wasn’t home alot and I understood that but his family thought it was all my fault that I got pregnant. They started writing keep out of things in the fridge even though I would help with groceries and bills. Eventually the words “keep out” was written on EVERY single piece of food in the house. Down to every can and box, then it was written across the fridge. When they left I would have to sneak in and take a slice of cheese and some lettuce hoping they wouldn’t find out. During the first 4 months of my pregnancy this was going on. I ended up losing almost 50 pounds and my blood pressure was getting dangerously high. My nurse and my obgyn finally cornered me asking what was going on and I told them and they said that if I was to stay there for another week I was gonna lose my baby. I finally got mad and told him what was going on. He didn’t believe me and thought I was lying. I got mad and said that either he was gonna move out and get us a place or I was goin to Arizona. The next week we got out and moved into our own apartment. My cousin helped him get a job with him working so much closer and better money. Everything was going perfect. I gave birth to my son and 2 months later we got a bigger apartment in another town closer to his work. He wanted me to be a stay at home mom. Everything was still going great. We rarely fought or even disagreed. About 6 months later the roof caved in at our apartment due to a snow storm and we had to move back on with his family. We got married while we were living with them. When we moved in he started to change. He would get mad at me if asked him how work was or even if I was making a mess while I was playing with our son in the tub. After I got into a argument with his mother. My parents had moved back and we moved in with them. He got even worse. He would look at me and say that he would be happier if I would just leave. It got so bad that we were sleeping with different blankets in bed. I would try and cuddle with him and he would shove me away and say that he didn’t want nothin to do with me. I started talking to a old friend and before I knew it I had cheated on him twice. I regret it and came clean and he wanted to fix out marriage and get thing back to normal. We moved into a house and things started to get better and about 18 months later he decided to move us out and into a 30 year old 18 foot fifth wheel trailer. And now things are so much worse than I could have imagined. He wakes up in a bad mood and starts screaming at me for dumb stuff. He would scream in my face even if I took to long brushing my teeth. I cook and clean and even lay his clothes out for work. He has cut me off from all of my friends and family. I’m not allowed to go anywhere on my own. I’m only allowed to be around his family. He takes my phone and hides it from me after a certain time in the evenings. I can’t talk on the phone unless he is standing next to me and the phone is on speaker. I have a guy friend from Indiana that I am only allowed to text to and he knows it and he allows it only if he can read all of my texts. He doesn’t spend anytime with our son who is getting ready to turn 3. I am so confused. I don’t know what to do. I love him with all my heart but he has told me that he isn’t changing and I can’t take it anymore.

  • Silence

    I’ve spent that last 17 years wondering what I ever did that was so wrong as to deserve being treated this way.

    The words hurt more than any slap ever did. They linger. They haunt me. Sometimes I think that maybe I really am crazy and that it’s all in my head- at least that is what he wants me to believe.

    Hear my words: Get out. Break free. Be safe. The evil within them only grows and grows. It never really ever goes away. It never really ever gets better. There is no material possession or status that is worth your life and dignity.

  • Laila

    Hey my name is laila and I am 32 years old I got married to my husband 4 years ago and we have one son together and I have three from my first husband , my English is not that good I hope you understand and I truly hope you can help me because I am mentally dead. Before we even got got married my husband was abusive with me few times , and because I loved him and after he asked for my forgiveness I forgive him he promised he would never do it again and he never did until short time after we got married he became very controlling and jealous of everything , I was very hurt cried alot the one night he says to me am going to leave you and I remember deep down begin happy about Because I was afraid to leave him, shoe time after he left the same night he came back and he choked me literally choked me I remember I couldn’t breath and feeling like my head was going to exblow then he let me go, after that he tried to fours water down my thrude while he hit me saying stop crying , I stopped I didn’t wish to wake my kids , the he cried after a while saying am sorry, I really didn’t believe him but I was afraid to day anything so I just when to sleep . I never left him but he got batter for while until he right after I got pregnant with our son , one night he when out to help a old friend and end up in jail for a year , I was alone with my pregnancy and my three kids had no friend and familie to help me, I was sporting him with money food and clothing in jail and his sending money to his mother with had no one to provide for her. He finely comes out and just after three weeks he get worser then ever , started to treat me like I was a garbage trash worthless talk down to me he was out all the time and I had nothing to say he would get mad at me if I ever asked him where he was , he made our home crazy I was trying to keep the family together and I didn’t want the children to notice anything wrong so I just shot my moth, he would flirt with a Lille girl that use to come over to me witch was else married to his friend almost as if he had a crush on her, he would impress me infrant of anyone that would come to visit me he would tell me to buy a care for him, say that I am whore And he should have never married me and that he regrets he chose me a whore to be the mother of his child that I am useless , I felt the only reason he was with me was because he had no where else to go and he didn’t want to be away from his son. So one day I decide it to move leave this city and never look back I was deportment to leave him no more pain I couldn’t do it anymore , so I moved and I told him after I left I was leaving him, he got very upset and used he never had a mother and his father throw him out at 13 and his step mother was bad to him and his father never loved him and he has a hard time trusting anyone and that’s why he has only been thinking of him self that he promises that he would be better, my weakness is that I am so desperate for his love that when he says stuff like that I would hurry and forgive him. And so I did , he came home and after a short time he started going back to our old town hanging with his old friends , and when he comes home he would say you should have never moved I am not happy here am not happy there I don’t know what I want , I always get quite when I se him upset or angery because I get scared he would hurt me and maybe the Children would se it. One day he picked up his stuff took money from me and said he were over and he will never come back once again I was happy that it came from him, so he left 5 days later after he burned the money I gave him on gambling he comes back home and says I was just playing I love you and I not going anywhere , I fight him to leave but he wouldn’t leave , so I lefties alone , he got good avian for like a week then . Then police calls and says he should turn him self in for some robbery he did. Back in jail this time for 2 years the first 6 month I once again sported him in there and his mother , then they have just now moved him to a open jail where he can come out once a month for a weekend to be with his family and he can work there to provide for him self so he don’t need money from me anymore , each time he was in jail he would write the most beautify love letters and say everything I wanted to hear the. Once they move him , he would change , he has a phone he can call for free every day he never calls me just at night when the luck him in then he finders an excuse not to talk to me anymore , if I try to talk about my feeling he shot me down by saying dont I call you at night don’t I want to come out to be with you. I found a chat he had with a friend when he was in jail this time ,!it was before he when to jail and basically he was asking his friend if he had a pussy for him this Hirt me deeply, I don’t feel like he takes any responsibility for any of things he ever did to me , he act as if we are even on everything because I use to wear tight cloth before marred and his friends saw me at a party , when he calls he only talks about him self and how bad and big and lion he is and he talk about how many ppl he is stronger of and , now he talks about taking a revenge on some guy that looked down on him , I feel my only reason for not leaving him anymore is being afraid of being alone when I fact I am alone he one said to be washday difference would it make if you leave me you would still be with out a man no man will want a 32 year old with 4 kids, I know I come out as weak and pathetic but since I have failed previous marriage before I didn’t want to fail again all I ever wanted was for us to be a family and be happy , I never Argued with him I always respected his wishes I obeyed him, I took care of my home and my children , working and going to school he never helped me with anything except few times he felt happy where he made pancakes for the kids and washed some cloth , and he would always use that as an excuse for everything to day he helps me out . He always says that Virgians are good and of I was a virgan when he met me anything wrong I did would not matter. I feel like I have invested to much in this marriage to let go yet I feel like its not going to get anywhere because I’d he even ever loved me he don’t anymore and am tried of being someone to hang on to until he finders something or someone better, I look very young for my age I take care of my body my look to keep him attractive but nothing info ever worked , life is to short I don’t want to waste it on someone that keep using me , I think I have been putting up with him because I don’t feel like I deserve better, I don’t think I feel like I am good enough person to have a good man in my life , pls help me I need advice desperately pls help me!!
    Thank you so much for taking the time to read my letter , if you can sen the answer to my email pls do I might not find this page again!!

  • Noel

    My husband and I have only been married for two years. When we first met, he was in the military. Just a few months ago he got out, and it has been a horrifying experience. He is so angry and hateful. To be honest, it was a steady decline from the moment we got married (literally, from the honeymoon on). I made excuses for him, explaining away the yelling and punching holes in our walls with PTSD, Depression, Anxiety…etc, etc. And then he threatened to “smash my hands” when he got mad during an argument and I wouldn’t let him take our daughter away with him. He has called me names (“you’re a stupid mouthy b*tch”). Finally, I realized that I couldn’t stay anymore, so I left so we could take a break. Things have been up and down ever since, he calls and tells me he loves me and then I don’t hear from him for days. When I expressed frustration recently about him not putting any effort in to really fix things (for example, he swore that he would go to counseling but has not gone once and missed his appointments to go camping) he told me to “shut the f* up” and hung up on me when I started to cry.

    Ugh. I wanted to build a life with this man, but how can I when he is like this?? So far, he is a good daddy and loves our baby girl. But when she gets older and requires more from him, will he act the same way? How can I go back, wondering if he will treat my daughter like this one day?

    I think I have my answer, but divorce is really like an amputation and I put my entire heart in this so it is going to be miserable. Wish I could fast forward through it.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Cari,

    Thank you for being here, and for having the courage to share about your marriage! It sounds like you’ve been through so much with your husband – and yet the thought of leaving is scary and overwhelming.

    Take a deep breath, and then another. Stop for a moment – give your racing mind and emotions a break.

    Then, start taking it one step at a time. Try not to get caught up in the whole forest of what you’re doing or contemplating — the moving, money, paying bills, car, etc. Instead, break everything you need to do down into manageable, bite-sized steps.

    One of the first things I encourage you to do is call a free lawyer or social services — get support outside of your family. Talk to people who can help you plan your future, who are not caught up in your emotions and family.

    Then, start figuring out out what step you need to take next. I don’t know what your next step is; you need to talk to someone who can help you with setting yourself up independently.

    Your comments inspired me to write an article for women who are hoping their husbands will change:

    I think more often than not, men don’t change. They can and do, but they have to be motivated.

    Is your husband motivated to change? If not, then you need to decide if you want to stay in this marriage the way he is, or start making plans to be free.

    What do you think?

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Ledka,

    Yes, it does sound like you and Cynthia have very similar stories! And I know there are more women in your area – and all over the world – who want to leave their husbands.

    Did you read my comments to Cynthia? Because your and her situations are so alike, I really can’t offer you anything else. Plus I’m not in a position to offer advice or help!

    I’m sorry I don’t have any answers for you, but I encourage you to re-read what I said to Cynthia. Read the article I wrote for her — because it applies to you, too!

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


  • Cari Arzola


    I read these articles and comments and I know that I am not the only one in my boat, but even after reading all these comments I still have so much fear.

    I have been with my husband for 11 years, we have a four year old daughter and I am at my wits end. Our relationship starting going downhill after we got married. Which has been the past 5 years. He cheated on me when I was pregnant I caught him, he told me he would stop, he did not, he also started going on leaves of absence from work, he took off 3 months for paternity leave and has not gone back to work stably for the past 4 years, he has been diagnosed borderline personality disorder My relationship has made me extremely codependant. I have left my husband three times before, I have filed for divorce but keep coming back because I have this innate feeling that MAYBE he really can change. But all this back and forth has caused me to lose almost all of my relationships with family and friends. I am actually closer to his family than I am my own. I have made mistakes and a lot of it came down to me not being able to cope and just reacting. Now I am at the point that I don’t love him, am on welfare, have no job, am very depressed and have been for some time. He sees a counselor, I see a counselor, we still fight all the time and its affecting my daughter. The only reason we have a roof over our head is because my father in law has let us live with him. So much more to say but in the end I know I have made some big mistakes myself, including having an affair of my own in response to his. It is tit for tat it seems and even when I try to escape the past and the pain and resentment that has built up in me I feel such hatred for him but I have no where to go. This has affected my daughter so much that I am afraid to go to a shelter and screw her up more. I also no longer have a vehicle and $16 dollars to my name. The only family I have that I could go to is in TN and I don’t think any judge is going to let me go there with my daughter. There has been a lot of emotional and mental abuse I truly feel it, but then I start to wonder if its really that bad. I hear about these women who are being beaten and all these horrible things. He has never laid a hand on me, but he has slapped our daughter. I reported it to SS but the thought of leaving and going to a shelter scares me. I dont’ know how I will find a job, a car, pay for housing, and food, get mentally stronger, and go to court, and make sure my daughter is ok and taken care of. Its so overwhelming and I can’t keep afloat.

    Any advice would be very appreciated.

    -In Misery

  • Laurie Post author

    Hello Kei Jay,

    It sounds like you’re completely, totally responsible for most things at home! Your husband hardly does anything.

    The good news is that if you do decide to try to leave him, you won’t have much extra work to do at home. That is, you’re so used to doing everything and relying on nobody but yourself…you’re already taking care of everything on your own!

    But, as you said, having 3 kids and a baby one the way certainly changes things.

    How is he helping you survive? If he doesn’t contribute financially or in any other way…what does he bring to your life?

  • ledka philip

    my story is similar to that of cynthia’s . am from a very poor home’ i was brought up by a single parent[ my mom], my dad left my mom with 2 kids and stays with another woman, we struggled so hard to survive but the the hardship was so much that i can’t watch my mom suffer with my elder sister. at that period of time a man came to ask my sister’s hand in marriage though d man is so much older than her with 16 yrs difference, she accepted, while d man twin brother saw me and married me as well. the reason i accepted was that, i saw that as an opportunity for me to be well educated cos i love school so much. i told him my plight, that i want to go school and he accepted but on a condition that i will have to give him a child, of which i did, a yr passed and i reminded him about his promise and he said” my baby need a younger one, why do you want to go to school when you should be praying to God to provide more money for your kid education” i felt bad and we argued a lot about it and he later said” give me another child and u go to school, am i to believe him or go and hustle for my self and that of my baby while my sis is having issues wit her husband and it’s scaring me, she said she is no longer interested in d marriage while am not[ won’t it kill my mother with heart break. am not happy in the marriage, y i stayed this long is becos of my mom. please help me

  • Kei Jay

    I am glad that I stumbled onto this website. I already know that I need to leave my Husband. I take care of 95% percent of our finances, our home, the children, parenting, while he does whatever he wants too, without any regards for me or the kids. I have not quite figured out HOW to leave him, on a limited income, currently pregnant with baby #4, and our shared apartment is in my name, filled with large pieces of furniture. I really do not have anyone to help me move anything, nor am I even able to move being in my last trimester. I don’t know how to fix this mess that I made of my life by marrying him. Everything I worked hard for, he has destroyed in someway or another, being careless or thoughtless. He won’t even cook a meal, or help with homework. Paint a wall..nope. I painted our whole apartment without his help. He did not even ask, and when I asked him he said he did not paint walls and then left the house. Fix dinner…forget about it…he will complain to me about my cooking though and has even refused to eat his dinner because his food touched. He drinks and smokes almost all of the time…that is really only the only thing that I can guarantee that he will do. He doesn’t work. Won’t even go try to find a job. And when I ask him simple questions, I never get a simple answer back. Its always a joke. Everything is always funny too him. I cannot figure out simple things in our relationship, like how to tow our broken car that he drove into the ground, because he will not give me a straight answer. I have to figure out 99% of our lives by myself. I feel like I am married to a teenager. I am ready to graduate to a man. If only there was a step-by-step book on how to do that from my current situation. I am literally stuck.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Pregnant and Hormonal,

    Congratulations on speaking up and reaching out for help! That’s great – it takes a lot of courage and strength to write about your problems. It’s also very healthy, and I hope it leads to some sort of resolution or healing for you.

    I don’t think you should question how you should feel. Your feelings are legitimate simply because they exist – whether or not you are pregnant. Perhaps you’re more sensitive because of the hormones, or maybe you’re just reacting like any woman would! I don’t know.

    It may be more effective to focus on what to do with your feelings. It doesn’t matter if you’re “right” to feel them…what matters is that you have these feelings.

    And, what matters even more is how to cope with them. It sounds like confronting your husband doesn’t help. And, I know that most people don’t change, so it won’t help to try to make him change.

    It might help to get an objective perspective on your relationship with your husband from an in-person counselor. I don’t know what’s going on in your marriage, or why your husband doesn’t seem interested in meeting you halfway. Has he changed? Probably not. He’s probably the same guy you married…it’s you who has changed. Also, your life has changed (you have kids now), and he hasn’t risen to the challenge.

    Expecting him to change isn’t reasonable. The one who has to change is you, if you want to be happy. This doesn’t seem fair, but it’s the only power you have — to change yourself and your reactions to and expectations of him.

    What do you think?

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Cynthia,

    Thank you for sharing your story here. My heart goes out to you; it sounds like you’re trapped in an unhappy, unloving marriage.

    I wrote this article for you:

    I also want to encourage you to try to meet women in your area who are educated and strong. Talk to them about how they got to school, how they succeeded. Keep telling people how badly you want to get an education and support yourself.

    I don’t have any answers for you, and I can’t tell you if you should leave your husband. I don’t know your circumstances. But, I believe you are a strong girl who CAN succeed!! I know that if you keep trying, you will get educated and find ways to support yourself.

    But, I believe you are 100% right when you say that you’ll die softly if you stay married to him. You deserve a better life than that – and so does your daughter!

    Go, find women you respect and admire. Talk to them, find ways to connect with them and get help from them.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers – and I hope you come back and let me know how you are.

    Survival can be summed up in three words – never give up. That’s the heart of it really. Just keep trying. ~ Bear Grylls


  • Pregnant and Hormonal

    Dear Laurie,

    I apologize for the length in advance. This is the first time that I’ve really spoken up and asked for help.
    I’m only 18, and my husband is only 20. Together we have a 15 month old, and I am currently 5 months pregnant with our second. We’ve been together a little over 2 years.
    How it all started was he moved into my parents house with me (I was 16), I fell pregnant then we got married and moved out..Into a horrible, horrible house (Got roach poisoning and got very ill) so we moved back to my parents house (just right after I had our first). Then things happened, and my hubby exploded on my family (it had been pent up far too long) and we moved into his parents house. We ended up leaving there after about 5 months, back to my mom’s. We moved out into another house for 2 months, and now we’re back to my parents. I know part of my frustration with him is his inability to be responsible to try to get a job (Granted, I know it’s hard, but I was able to get 2 jobs while pregnant, both of which I had to quit when I was diagnosed with a hematoma and an ovarian cyst). For the first 6 months of my son’s life, we were out nightly, and most of the day. It was left to my mom to raise our son, pretty much. He was way too into partying and almost didn’t care about our son. Now that we’ve had him for a while, things are much better in that aspect. But pretty much since we moved out to his parents house, I’ve been irritated with him all the time. There is nothing that he will do fully (not half-arsed) for me, nothing. I ask him to watch our son so I can do the dishes, he lays on the floor and watches TV and yells at my son to come back when he starts screaming because he wants me, and refuses to get his arse off the floor. That is the kind of father that he is. I will admit that I am really hard on him, but I can’t be everybody’s mother, I’m already growing another babe and have one attached at my hip, I need some help too. Just tonight I told him to take our son outside and he started screaming at me to mind my own business and let him handle it. I asked him to put our son to bed tonight, and he said “Of course. You can’t ever do it, can you?” , not to mention this is the first night he’s been home from work before 8 pm in almost 3 weeks, so he’s never home to help with my son. That’s how he always acts. He acts like he does it all, and can’t ever help me with the things that I need. When I confront him, he pouts in bed and cries for an hour just to make me feel bad. But it’s never his fault, ever. He confronts me about things all the time to the point of tears (Actual tears, he gets hateful) and says it’s all me :\ I really don’t know what to do anymore. It’s only getting worse, when I tell him something is bothering me, he just makes excuses and then apologizes, only because he has to. It’s really wearing me down, and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m pregnant and over-reacting or if I really should feel this way.
    Thankyou for your time and insight.
    – Pregnant & Hormonal

  • cynthia geoge

    i am a 21 yr old girl, married to a 40 yrs old man. i don’t love my husband, i only married him simply because i have no one to supply my need and i want to go school, he promised to send me to school if only am able to give him a baby, i accepted and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and when i asked him to send me to school, he totally refused and asked me to give him another baby after been warned by my doctor that i should take 3 yrs rest before having another child. he asked me to gp if i don’t want to so he could marry someone else who will provide him his needs.
    i felt so heart broken and i don’t have any degree, money and no one to help me out. what am going to do? i thought of committing suicide but i couldn’t because of my baby….am i to stay and die softly or should i go? please help me

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Mariana,

    Thank you for being here – you are very brave for sharing about your marriage!

    Have you told anyone else about your marriage, or how your husband treats your children? What do your friends and family say?

    The most important thing I want you to do (after calling a domestic abuse hotline!!) is take it one step at a time. Don’t worry about having money to file for divorce; just focus on talking to people about what you’re going through. Start thinking about your options, which include staying with your husband and hoping your girls don’t get hurt worse by him, or taking them and starting over on your own.

    I wrote this article for you:

    Who can you talk to in person or on the phone about your husband? I know you’re sad and lonely, but I believe there is at least one person in your life that you can talk to. Am I right or wrong?

  • Candace

    I am just not “in love” with my husband anymore. He is boring! I am not attracted to him any more! I want to travel. He does not. I want to meet new people. He does not. He thinks he is the only person on earth who works 40 hours per week. He comes home, sits on the couch with the ipad, drinks beer and watches tv until bed time. Until recently (after I got after him) he would do nothing with the kids. He doesn’t want to encourage them to try new things or be involved in activities. My husband is not a bad person. He is very kind and never abusive. He just doesn’t know how to communicate and deal with my overwhelming emotions. He thinks sex will fix everything. There is no passion in our relationship! I have begged him to go to counseling but he won’t. I am afraid that eventually I will leave him. A marriage is work and he just doesn’t get that. Is it me or do men just not think about anything? A women analyzes everything. How do I get my husband to go to counseling? He says he doesn’t want to listen to me complain about him to another person. HELP!

  • Mariana

    Dear Laurie ,

    I feel so sad and lonely. I have been with my husband 7 years and have gone through a lot of mental and verbal abuse from him. I keep forgiving him and he states he wants this marriage and wants to change but he continues with his mean words . Also he comes home whenever he wants after midnight and always has an excused and its hard to believe him. Its hard to leave him because we have two little girls and i don’t want them having a split home but i think the fighting is so bad that can be worse than a split home. I also worry about them because he also uses negative words with them and is rough and hurts them. I am torn and i do love him but i am very miserable. I want to file for divorce but i don’t have the funds to do it either

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Cindy,

    Thanks for being here. You sound so sad and lost! I’m glad you and your husband still love each other, and wish I could help you figure out if you should leave.

    You asked a great question: is your marriage normal, or is there something wrong? I think the only way to figure that out is to talk to a counselor, or a trusted, wise friend. I think you need to determine if you’re sad and lost because of your own self or because of your marriage.

    I wrote this article for you:

    I welcome your thoughts, and hope you are able to talk through your problems with someone in person. Writing is also a very effective way to gain insight and clarity into your life. Keep writing, either here or in your own journal!


  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Sad Erica,

    Thank you for being here, and for being so honest about what you’re going through.

    I have no answers or advice for you, only a few thoughts…I wrote this article for you.

    Like you, I grew up without a dad. I’ve always wished I had a father, but I think it’s better to grow up with a happy single mom than a unhappy, depressed married mom.

    Will you be happy and healthy if you leave your marriage? Or, did his affair change your self-image and life perspective forever?


  • Laurie Post author

    Hello Lulu,

    Thanks for being here, and for sharing your thoughts with me. It sounds like you’re really struggling, and have no answers! It’s a very big decision that you’re facing, and there is no undoing it once it’s done. I’m glad you’re taking your time and thinking hard before you do anything about your marriage.

    I wrote this article for you:

    I welcome your thoughts.


  • Cindy Smith


    I found your site while searching online….. I’m just lost I guess….we’ve been together almost 8 yrs married for 1…….I feel very unfulfilled in the bedroom department…..he literally could go months without sex and I want affection and love from him as much as possible….(we literally have sex once a month at this point and I’m not about to beg) and no….he’s not cheating or gay……yes he has alot of stress and yes he pays most of the mutual bills bc I have alot of PERSONAL cc debt I came with into this marriage before I knew him…so there’s tons of issues and I just feel like because I don’t “carry my load” or help more even though I help as much as I can…I just don’t feel like he fully respects me……and I don’t feel like I’m in an “adoring” relationship……I feel like I build him up and encourage him…….but I don’t get the same in return bc it seems like he pays for most of the mutual bills so I should be happy with that…….no deep conversation………no sex nothing….just living BLAH day to day…….I cannot tell the difference between norma; marriage bicker and deal breakers because I literally have no clue……we come from 2 VERY DIFFERENT families and it’s just very sad…I’m very sad………and I don’t want to waste anytime if I’m suppose to leave. We do not have any children or a house together and maybe that’s a blessing? But I do love him…and he loves me……but I don’t know anymore? And I don’t know how to handle? I feel defeated.

  • un-happy WIFE


    I feel trapped being married to my husband, I don’t want to be MARRIED anymore. We’ve been married for 7 years. We don’t get along at all. To tell you the truth he mistreats me and abuses me verbally, emotionally and Physically at times. If only you can hear what he calls me, you would see that he doesn’t RESPECT ME, We do have 2 kids but am not going to continue staying married to him because we have kids, it’s not safe for me being with him, and am not allowing him to be breaking my heart anymore. Can you imagine to hear your 3 year old say to you “mommy you OK” or ” don’t cry mommy I love you”…..AM DONE WITH THAT!!

  • Sad Erica

    One year ago my husband cheated on me with an escort. I found out and he cried and begged for forgiveness. We started marriage counseling…but it was almost pointless because he would cry to the counselor about how he was a changed man and so remorseful…etc, etc. Because of this the counselor saw no reason to keep seeing us. I wish our counselor hadn’t let us go…because I still cry daily about the cheating and it’s been a year! I feel so stuck in my pain. My husband seems “over it” all ready…as if it never happened. When I bring it up he sighs and rolls his eyes. Yes I am tired of the same fight as well, but I simply cannot move on. I would divorce him but we have a 3 year old and a newborn. I left my career to be a stay at home mom. I have no family to go to for help with rebuilding a life. I feel stuck.
    And people like to say he saw an escort because I wasn’t meeting his needs and I need to work on that. It’s the other way around!!! Literally the day after we got married (2004) he stop initiating sex. And when I would try, he gave me the “I have a headache/stomachache/I’m tired” line. If anything, I’m the one I would have guessed that would go outside the marriage for sex (and NO…I have not, despite all this).
    I think I can’t move on because I don’t understand the reason he cheated…I have NEVER denied him nor am I closed minded about “sex outside the box” if you will. So why cheat on me with an escort?!?!?
    I am so sad. Every day. I am stuck in my pain. I hate my life. But I don’t want my kids to grow up without a dad like I did. Ugg I’m so sad.

    • kate

      i think men in general have the urge to cheat, it is that animal instinct….cheating is a choice, not doing it because he doesnt love you, but because men need change, they need to be entertained, and men are extrememly visual….when a couple are in a marriage for a few year, they have tendencies to get in the routine, the excitement of the beginning is gone, and for that to stay alive, we as women need to entertain…..sad to say, but that is the truth of the matter. Now, there is men who choose to stay faithful…and there is the one who dont…if it happened only once and never does it again, and that he is really sorry then you reallyl should try to forgive if you think there is is still love in your relationship…otherwise,if he keeps doing it then you have a big problem, and probably need to move on and move out!!!….if you really think you cant forgive him, then you need to leave him, because you cant blame him ever single day and stay!… is not fair to him, and you will probably push him away too….by being forgiving and understanding you will make him feel even more guilty and makes him regret it even more….:)….

  • Laurie Post author

    Hi Michelle,

    Have you thought about a trial separation? That way, you can have your cake and eat it too! You can take a break from your husband and marriage, and focus on your affair relationship.

    I actually think it might be good to take a break from men in general – not just your marriage. What do you want out of your life, who do you want to be, where do you want to go? Erase men from the equation, and find out who you are as woman. Do you want to travel, go back to school, paint, start a business??

    A marriage is great…but even greater is knowing you can be happy on your own.

  • Laurie Post author


    Whatever you decide to do, it’s going to be hard. There’s no sugar coating this! If you separate from your husband, you’ll take flack from his family, your family, and even your friends. He seems like such a nice man, after all. They like him, and you may be right that your mother in law doesn’t want to live with him. She may know him better than you think.

    So…you stay with your husband, and keep pretending all is well and you’re happy. Or you leave him, and start over.

    What do you want to happen? Where do you want to be in a year from now?

  • LuLu

    Im 27 my husband is 33, I’ve been married nearly 2 years. We met and got engaged while I was living abroad and I moved back home to get married and be with him. We have been together for 4 years and we have no children. We have talked about starting a family next year but I need to make sure we are right together before bringing children into the situation. My husband is in the Military and has since been on two 6 month deployments abroad in the 2 years we have been married and has another coming up next July. I’ve lately ( past year) been questioning my happiness and questioning if its because I no longer want to be married. I’ve been feeling trapped and unhappy and missing the exciting life I had before. I do see myself with him as a family with children but we argue so much over little stupid things- usually me that starts it all) and it always seems to be his decision on things . My husband is a wonderful person, and puts up with a lot from me as I seem to take all my unhappiness and frustration out on him. I feel like he loves me more then I love him- I do love him but I wonder if I’m not IN love with him. I’ve been feeling bored and I sometimes feel like I can’t be my entire self around him- even so that I sometimes don’t feel comfortable talking to my family or friends on the phone with him in the room. He and my mum don’t really see eye to eye. I’ve not been feeling completely connected with him for a good year and started thinking I wanted to leave few months b4 his last deployment. ( his time away I don’t think has made these decisions come about- I found myself feeling happier when he was away- I did miss him though- maybe it’s the way I can cope being alone for so long?. I dont feel passion for him – its like were just going through the motions- I don’t look forward to sex with him. Near the end of his last deployment away I ended up cheating on him on a night out- I was extremely drunk and I would not of done it if I was sober and thinking straight at all.- I know that’s not an excuse but this has added more question to if I should stay with him as if I loved him so much why would I have done that??. I’ve been feeling awful and so bad ever since and I regret what happend. My husband doesnt know about that night- and there is no way he will ever know unless I tell him. He knows I’m not completely happy right now but I’m sure it would come as a huge shock if I told him I had thoughts of leaving him. Please help me- any advice would be very much appreciated. I feel so lost right now.

  • Joy

    Reading through many of these it appears that we all stay in relationships that are a times impossible because some say it is easier. I think the reason we don’t leave is that we have been controlled, manipulated to the extent we no longer have any self esteem, self worth or confidence.
    To Karen who has been married 28yrs check ifyourhusband has aspergers. There is a good online site that will give instant feedback on the issue. Only suggesting this as I have just found out via another way why my husband who won’t discuss things with me, it’s all my fault- everything is my fault , he gets moody but to everyone else he is such a nice person how could I possible have issues with him. Well guess what ,they do not live with him. Good luck

  • Ana

    Hello – I do not know what to do. I am 53; my husband 58. We both married for the first time 6 years ago. My husband is a good man, a good provider, and loves me. We get along very well and have shared interests. My situation is that we are not intimate at all. There is zero passion. Yes, I have spoken to him about this many many times. I have been discreet about it, and now more straight-forward about how this ‘gap’ in our marriage concerns me. He always listens, and says we need to fix it and he’ll do his part…but there is no action that matches his words. I’ve told him that I need to be fulfilled as a woman and as a partner for me to stay in the marriage. It really doesn’t seem to bother him at all. For years now, I have tried to decide how my life balances out with, and without, my husband. I get angry and hurt at times that we could have a great marriage except for this one part – the intimacy that will bond us closer in a deeper way. I have no idea where else to turn. We have gone to counselors, I have gone along to counselors. I opening discuss our issues, and my husband listens attentively — but no change. At this point, I realize he will never be interested in changing our intimate life, and it is up to me to accept this marriage as it is, or to leave. It truly is not about sex (although I crave it), but the fact that he doesn’t seem to care about something so important to me. I don’t want to have an affair, I want to be close to my husband. He’s not gay or anything – definitely a workaholic (his excuse is always about being busy). I make very little money, so he says he has to work a lot to make up for this. Isn’t that kinda punishing me? But he is also my best friend – and I don’t want to hurt him, or leave him partnerless as he approaches his 60s. What do I do? Where can I turn to help me decide what to do? Please help me.

  • michelle

    Hello, I need help clearing my head and deciding. I have been with my husband 7 years total, married for 4 of those years. My life has gotten boring with him, we have little to no passion, and he hardly tries to pay me any attention. I also want to do activies always and he gripes and complains and makes experiences no fun. He just loves his couch and tv…. and I want more. I started an affair with a coworker and I am crazy about him and may even love him. Its liberating to be with him cause he seems now what I want my husband to be. Should I leave my husband? I have no kids with my hubby so nothing to complicate things other than a lot of pain. Hubby and I have been seeing a counselor but my husband still doesnt seem to understand why we are going and it has been 4 months. I finally told my therapist about my affair, havent told hubby, but my therapists suggests to focus on our next session of trying to wake hubby up and realise the severity of the situiation without telling him I cheated. The problem is…. I am not sure I want to stay with hubby whether he wakes up or not…. the guy I am having an affair with wants to be with me for the long run, and I am kind of thinking I want that… however I feel obligated to at least follow my therapists advice on waiting to wake up hubby. Thought? I need help….

  • Rose

    Hello, I married my husband after 8 years of dating. Husband is 42 and I’m 37. While we were dating, we traveled, experienced new things and made love everywhere. Throughout the 8 years I found out he had a drug problem. I believed when he said; It won’t happen again. But then after the second time I didn’t believe him anymore. He didn’t look like a drug addict. I was in love with him and after years past he was still the same guy with no improvement of bettering himself with a better job or wanting more out of life. I started falling out of love and trust. I was catching him lying about using, or looking for work. Well a year and a half ago I was experiencing menopausal symptoms. I was determined to get married and have a child some day but it had to be right away due to the fear of the symptoms I was experiencing. We were married within 2 months and results showed that I was premenopausal, meaning I’m not able to get pregnant naturally. (Marriage had to take place out of respect of my families religious beliefs). During this time, my husband started NA and began school. Now he is finished with school. Yayy I never been so proud of him! He has been unemployed for 3 years and I have been supporting him. I was laid off last year and now financial problems are arising. My husband doesn’t have his own personal bills and doesn’t know what it’s like to be stressed about making ends meet. He doesn’t like to talk about the truth, responsibilities and what he needs to do around the house daily since he’s living free or when I’m mad, I say freeloading. I have to pull his teeth to talk about our issues. He is munipulative and leads me to believe that I’m in the wrong. Sometimes I think I’m losing my mind and that it’s my fault. I have developed this anger towards him, I tell him to shut-up, call him stupid, loser and everything else I can think of out of anger or maybe I lost total respect for him. What loving wife talks that way to her husband. We haven’t had sex in months and it takes a lot out of me to even want to with him because of all the hurt. Recently he stayed the night at his parents and I asked him to leave his car keys behind incase I need to to move his car. He said ok, but intentionally ignored me and took the keys with him so I wouldn’t have access to his car. He doesn’t allow me in his car, it’s been years since I’ve been in there. The following morning I was determined to get in there, I called Roadside Assistance to come and unlock the car. Inside his car looks and smells like a dumpster filled with trash and someones groceries. I found no signs of drugs, which I was glad, but I found missing jewelry of mine and lots of items from the garage that he had taken possibly to sell. I know he has taken some of his own stuff to pawn shops to sell for money and I also found a job application partially filled out but never turned in. In the past, he had taken a prescription for pain to the pharmacy and had it filled and he sold it to someone for money without my knowledge. I take pain killers and muscle relaxers and he throws that in my face because he says I’m an addict too. I’m emotionally and mentally drained. On the positive side, my husband can be the sweetest, thoughtful man and everyone thinks he’s so wonderful because how he takes care of me. I’ve had multiple surgeries and I’m permanently disabled but I can still walk, work, and take care of myself. When I worked he packed my lunch, set my weekly vitamins in the pill box, washed my car, run my errands, took care of my dog, and cooked dinner. When we are at family events, he caters to me and serves his own food, everyone watches and thinks he’s a such a great husband. He believes that all the care taking should at least compensate for helping out. It’s nice to be pampered everyday and all, but I would rather trade all of these great gestures for a husband who has a descent job, responsible, independent and contributes to the household. Just yesterday I tried explaining to my motherNlaw that things aren’t working out anymore and I’ve expressed to her that I’ve had enough. She insists that I should work it out with him and not divorce him and she expects me to straighten him out and be on top of him like I’m some sort of licensed miracle worker, he needs a professional. For some reason I think she’s just saying that because she doesn’t want him at her home (she has plenty of empty bedrooms.) I don’t want my husband on the streets nor do I want him here continuing the same pattern. Please advise, thank you.

  • Confused


    I’m 22 years old and i’ve been with my husband for a year and a half. We’ve separated once and i’ve cheated on him once. I don’t know what to do, whether i should leave him or not. He is a great guy, who has some self esteem issues. My worry is that i have no respect for him and i treat him like crap, and i hate the person that i am in this marriage because its not me. I feel as though he has the right to be treated better in a marriage and i have the right to be with someone i truly love and respect.

    I know i’m only young but i want a family and i want it soon but this marriage is not the right foundation to raise a family.

    He loves me so much more than i love him and i hate that.

    What do i do? i’ve been trying so hard to be a good person in this marriage, a good wife but i keep falling back into the same mindset of negativity, frustration, discontent and overall lack of respect for him.


  • Jo

    I’ve been married 6 year and have3 children with my very loving husband who is an excellent father. I found out 2 years ago that he cheated on me before we were married and when I was expecting our 3rd child. We’ve been through so much turmoil over this but always seem to work things out eventually and do love each other. We have a good system at home with childcare etc. Recently I have started an affair not as revenge but more of a get out clase! I need to know if I’m ready to leave, I will not be taking the children but I will be sharing custody and want to continue spending time as a family. He will be heartbroken but I just can’t forgive what he did to me!

  • Rose

    I have been married to my husband for 15 years but we have been together for 20 years. We definitely have had our share of ups and downs over the past few years but I always thought we would be able to work past our differences. I found out a year ago that my husband was having an affair that had been going on for over a year. We decided to try and work past this and repair our marriage. It has been a very hard struggle and I am still having trouble putting the pain of his betrayal behind me. During the year of his affair he treated my horribly – I guess to justify the affair in his mind. So I now have to work past not only the affair but the treatment I received while he had the affair. He has been in and out of work for well over a year but is now working full time. Now we are trying to catch up on bills but he does not acknowledge or help with the stress of trying to juggle payments and work past our financial difficulties which he has caused being out of work. In fact, all he worries about is having money to buy beer and spend time with his friends so he can drink beer. He does not ask if I would like to go out on a date with him or spend time together. The rare occasion that he does, he wants to do something that involves drinking. He can be verbally abusive – even in front of our two children. I have brushed many issues under the rug over the past few years but I am now at a point where I think I am just tapped out. I do not want to worry, feel bad or stress any longer. I do not want to wake up one morning and became bitter over the years wasted with someone who does not want to stand by my side. Please advise.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Fed Up,

    I’m glad you were able to talk this out here! Sometimes, just writing out how you feel can bring healing and insight, and I’m so happy to hear you say it helped.

    I wish you all the best as you move on to a healthier, happier stage of your life. Leaving a marriage is really hard, even if you haven’t felt loved for years. I wish you strength and courage for the journey, and pray that everything will go better than expected.

    Come back anytime, to write how you feel. I’m here for you 🙂


  • Fed Up

    I have been married for 5 years and with my husband for almost 10. We met when I was 16 and he was 18. Everything was good at first, of course in our teenage minds. I thought he was the last knight in shining armor left in the world. He made me feel so special and loved. About 2 years into our relationship, I found that he was in contact with many women and of course I got upset but we worked through that. I have always been mindful that of that incident. After dating for another year (3 years in) I found out that he was physically cheating and lying to me which I suspected because he began to act strange and just mean towards me. We broke up for a while then got back together. Our relationship has struggled on and off since then. During one of our smooth patches, we decided to get married ( I was 20 and he was 23). We got married and started our lives together and everything was going well. I got pregnant and had our baby and everything was good. We decided to move in with my in-laws when my baby was 1 to save money for a house. I was skeptical but we did it anyway because he promised we wouldn’t be here long. Well it is 3 years later and we are still here. Furthermore, I have found out since, that he has been in contact on and off with the woman he cheated with when we were dating. He told her that I was a horrible and controlling person and he didn’t love me. That hurt me to the core. We had a big fight and I left him for a short period of time. We have gotten back together and we have been back together and its been almost 2 years since. Now I am 25, thinking about my future with this man and not knowing if I will ever be truly happy. We have different ideas about a few different important things such as finances. I make more money than him and I always help him out. I told him that we should combine our finances and pay our bills that way (which will benefit him more than me). He refuses to do so because he says he does not want to have to ask me if he could buy something with his money. But he doesn’t seem to mind when I share my money with him. He is not a completely bad person and when we are getting along, everything is really good. One of my biggest complaints is that he doesn’t seem to want to communicate about how I feel or support me in anything that I do. When I try to talk to him, he will either not answer and text me later about it or tells me that if I am not happy, I can leave. I have given up so many positive opportunities for him and I regret it so much. Sometimes he does not even seem like he even likes me. I notice that he is much meaner towards me than he is with anyone else. I try to be a good wife to him and make him feel like he is loved but I don’t get it in return. He will hold my hand occasionally or kiss me but it is very rare. It seems as though he likes for me to chase him with attention while he sometimes rejects me.
    Wow, I just read my own story (before I decided to click post) and it seems like the only sensible thing for me to do is leave. I really do love him but I want to be happy. From the outside, everyone sees him as the knight and shining armor that I thought he was and people always tell me how ‘lucky’ I am to have him but I have never heard anyone say how lucky he is to have a wife that will loves him like I do. I have stuck beside him through everything, good and bad. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about what’s really going on especially him. I am torn and confused and I need help.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Tina,

    I’m sorry you lost your good friend – that’s so difficult and heartbreaking. And it’s especially sad that your husband isn’t there to help and support you. It sounds like he isn’t a life partner, he isn’t there when you need him, and he doesn’t seem to want to talk about your marriage.

    What do you make of that? How does it make you feel, and what do you want to see happen?


  • Vernell

    I have made up my mind to leave my husband, because I have been working hard for years now to make this marriage work, but to no avail. We have been married for 6 years now and my husband doesn’t show me any Love or affection. I have forgotten how to kiss, I have’nt been kissed in over 2 years. We don’t have any sexual relationship anymore, he stop wanting too. I am a lonley woman sleeping next to my husband every night, but nothing ever happens in our been room. I am in my late 40’s and my husband is in his early 60’s and he just seem to have no interest in me at all. So I have decided to sell our home and move on with my life. I can’t live like this anymore. I am talking to a therapist now for depression. Whenever I try to talk to him about our marriage and how I feel about everything, he just seem to be very disinterested in the problem, so I had to make up my own mind to leave this marriage. No one person can make a marriage work. No one person should have to be with someone and still lonely. I am a christian woman and would not dare go outside my marriage and sin against God. There are consequences when we make drastic decisions, especially going out to find some one else. Never open another door until you completley close this door. I feel at peace about the decision to leave because I can’t get hism to talk about our marriage or even working on it. I have spoken to my pastor about this matter, and he of course prayed for us and offered to talk to my husband. My husband see my packing every day and still no concern or changes, so I feel it’s time to go. It feels good talking it out thanks for this sight.

  • Tina

    I moved my husband out of our bedroom a week ago while he was at work. I gave him our bed and moved him into our sons room. I am sleeping on a mattress, bumming in with my son. I warned him when he was done work and before he came home. But he’s never asked why or approached. Me for the reason. Complete lack of communication. The move happened on the funeral day of my good friend who was to young to die. Not one word my husband spoke to me, not one hug. Not one offer to go with my older son and I to the funeral. As far as I’m consernd, that’s BS. how flipping rude, not one ounces of carrying.From him. Sorry if this isn’t writing right, it’s messing up 🙁
    Anyway a week now and still he don’t care to ask about the move. He’s a good father to our youngest and an alright dad to the 2 older.boys. I fear leaving him and hurting my kids. What do u make of this???

  • Laurie

    Dear Sandra,

    It sounds like your husband is triggering different emotions and reactions in you – almost against your will! You are reacting to something in “him” … but I think it’s something in you that is the basis of your responses.

    I’m not saying it’s your fault! Human beings can be complicated, and it’s always worthwhile to try to figure out why we respond the way we do. The more insight we have into our reactions, the happier and healthier we’ll be — partly because we’ll be treating others more kindly and gently.

    How will you figure out what is going on in you, that is causing you to respond this way to your husband?

  • Sandra

    I need some advice..
    I got married when I was 20 to a great guy who I had been taking for 2 years, our familiar had known each other for a long time and although they were a little bit concerned of us getting married so young, they were very supportive.
    We’ve been married for two years now and have been separated once and I have cheated on him once. I feel as thought I have no respect for him, I am very rude to him infront of my family and friends and I hate the person I am with him. I don’t enjoy sex with him and I hate that he loves me 100 times more than I love him.
    I don’t know whether I should stay or leave? I see him being the father of my children and he lets me have everything my way. But I feel as that is because he doesn’t have much of a life himself, we never see his family, he has hardly any friends, he is still at uni, hasn’t started a career etc
    I hate who I am with him, I hate that I lack respect and love for him and I feel as though I have the capacity to love someone more than I love him. But is it just me? Or is it me being with him?

  • Laurie Post author

    I wish I could help you figure out what to do – or that I could wave a magic wand and fix your marriage in a heartbeat! Wouldn’t that be amazing?

    When I took a counseling class, the instructor taught us the “Miracle Question.” It goes like this:

    If you woke up tomorrow morning and your life was totally perfect, what would it look like? Who would you be with, where would you be living, how would you spend your days, and what would you be looking forward to?

    Take 5 minutes and really think about where you want your life to go and who you want to be. You CAN build this life for yourself – especially if you reach out for support and help in person! I can’t give you what you need here.

    In addition to answering the Miracle Question, can you identify one person who will walk beside you as you figure out the next step?

  • Ready to Leave Right Now

    I met my husband on line, we married 8 months later. I have 3 grown children and he does also. He has a 2 year old son and took on the responsibility of his sons brother that was 3 years old. They are 11 months a part. At the time we met, my youngest was going on to college. I was at a time in my life were I was to be living the life of a women without kids and have her grand- daughter sleepover and go home the next morning. I moved to a different city, where my new husband lived and worked. I knew being a “STEP” Mother was going to be hard work. I just didn’t expect the things that began to happen. We will be married 3 years this May and I am ready to RUN. My husband is not the romantic type of man, well he does let the boys know they are loved and that they are important to him. As for me, I have to work for mine. If I don’t tell him he does not tell me. I used to greet him when he came home from work. He told me to give him time to get settled. Si I stop doing that but, the boys do it now and there is no problem. I have withdrawn myself away from my husband because he shows me no affection or any attention. Well, he does kiss me and tell me he loves me once in a while before he goes to work. When it comes to the discipline of the boys, it is his way not mine. I am with the boys Tuesday through Saturday. We have one in Pre-Kindergarten and the other in Kindergarten. My husband works second shift. When they are on punishment, they are not allowed to play with their toys but they are allowed to watch television from the time they get out of school, until bed time. Well, I am thinking of leaving because my husband, only makes me feel I am just here to be a babysitter and not a wife. He has so many ailments that we can’t have relations. Today we got into an argument over his punishment rule. He does not realize that the older boy does things to be put on punishment just so he can sit and watch television. He only gives me trouble and not is dad. I have to admit I let these boys navigate the way this marriage is going. I miss my husband telling me he loves me. I miss the man I married. I believe the way things are is because I withdrew myself and he does not return my affection. He always tells me I look so unhappy and depressed. I try telling him it is because of the way he makes me feel, then I keep my distance so I don’t keep further getting hurt and it is as if he doesn’t hear me. How do you get a man to hear you when you tell him your not happy, that is why I look this way. I don’t work, I am an at home mom. With no car and he tells me he can’t afford to even give me money for just what ever. I don’t want money, expensive gifts. I want the man that got my attention in the first place. I left him for an entire month and a half last year. He told me things would change and they did for a week. He tells me he can’t change me and its not his fault for the way I am. I even took charge over my husband to let the boys know I love their dad. Eventually things went right back to the way they were. Me sitting on one couch and all of them on the other. That is the way it has been ever since he told me that they need more of his attention then I do. Sometimes I just don’t understand what I am doing here. I am really thinking of just leaving but, yet I am still here. He is a very spiritual man but, he does not get it that he is to love his wife the way Christ loved the church. I have told him we need help to get this marriage on the right track. He says no, he does not want people to know his business. Yet, he tells me why don’t I think I have any blame in the way things are. I have taken some of the blame, he refuses to do so. Since he works and pays the bills, he believes that is his way of showing his love and affection. I am 47 years old and I am completely torn over this.

  • Heather

    Hi my name is Heather. This might be long sorry. I met my husband when I was 17, I was a single mother straight out of an abusive relationship. I was instantly attracted to him. And he was always so nice to me and my daughter. He loved to take care of us and truly loved us both. He is a great father to her and a good husband to me most of the time. We have been married almost 5 years now and have hit a few rough patches some I have caused some he has caused. Now we have hitby far the worst and he seem to blame it all on me when we both have played a role in it.
    2 years ago we moved to his hometown and in with his parents. I worked for them for a year while he stayed home. They treated me like crap but he was there for me to make me feel better and stand up for me. I finally quit after he told me to cause they didnt pay me for 2 months, got a better job and we moved out. I work in mental facilities and after I worked for the new company his parents had me investagated and I got let go. I was cleared but it was rough. I took out q 200 dollar loan without telling him and when he found out he was angry. About a month later his parents and him started hanging out again and he told me he wanted a divorce. The next morning he changed his mind and we decided to try to fix things. Two weeks later the same thing. He works for his parents now and spends a lot of time there with them. The last week hes been axting like we are okay and everything, but when I asked him about getting paid he acted like he didnt hwar me. Rhen tonight I found a lawyers card in his wallet. I look it up and they do in fact handle divorces. Do I confront him anout it or not. I love him and think we can fix things but I am scared he doeant want to or his parents are pushing ir because they hate me. They already told him I cheated. Which I did not. Please help.

  • Rae

    I have been married to a mammas boy for 29 years, I have recently found out that he has shared our marriage with his mom all these years. In the last 7 years he has gotten very verbally and emotionaly abusive. I had to quit work due to my disability,that is when the problems started. He said “youre back is interfering with MY life”.
    I thought our marriage would get better when he retired, it got worse. He started “gaslighting”manipulation and picking fights, and calling me all sorts of bad names. He picked a fight before Christmas so he could leave (he took down all Christmas decor, wreaths, outside lights, everything, then did laundry and left. I did not hear from him for two weeks. Passive aggressive? I think so. He always talked about being together forever, but his actions never spoke it. We were living in a sexless marriage for several years. I basically was supporting us, as he did not want to take out his pension. I have since filed for divorce. This is very hard on me, physically and emotionally. I am seeing a therapis which helps, but still I cannot believe how he changed from such a nice guy I married, to such a selfish jerk. He is now acting so nice, it is pathetic, he is living out of a little motel. I really dont know what got into him, whether he is drinking, drugs or has a girlfriend, or even is gay.
    Maybe I will never know the answers. I do know his mom and dad have encouraged him to disolve this marriage. He takes their word over everything, I mean everything. He has not grown up and acts like he is still 14 years old. This is such a sad situation. I am just going hour by hour to survive.

  • Anne

    I have been married for 6 years and have a 4 year old daughter with my husband. We have been together for 9 years. He is highly educated and demanding, both of himself and others. He is cunning and clever and I have protected him and never exposed him for things that could ruin his career. I have always loved and respected him although I do not feel that respect has been mutual. He has never stopped me getting a career, but only as we would benefit financially from this. The last couple of years I have had people I know well come and tell me that my husband is not treating me very nice. I have grown immune to it and he has gotten worse. I ended up with a mental break down and tried to kill myself last year. He was all supportive and wanted to change, that lasted about a week or two before he went back to old habits. I keep ignoring it and pretending everything is fine. I never thought I would be one to put up with abuse and only now starting to realise that whats been happening. But it has happened so gradually. He has never hit me, but has shook me, grabbed me, thrown stuff at me, but only about 4 or 5 times in our 9 years together. Although constantly putting me down, he doesnt even notice. I know I should leave, but its so hard. We live abroad and I have little support. With my husband, my daughter and I are financially stable. But I am not sure how long I would last. I still love him and he loves me I think, but I will never live up to his expectations and it is wearing me down. You say its easier to stay in a loveless marriage, than leaving it. Our marriage is not love less, we have a lot of fun and do things to be nice to each other. When its good, its so so good, but the bad is never far away and it can change in an instant as he gets annoyed and cranky over minor things… It is really hard giving up on the dream of a beautiful future for our little family as it has so many good things for us as well. But how long do I wait until I make a desicion?! Confused and tired

  • SMF

    My husband and I married when I was 23 – he was 25. We dated for about a year and a half and 3 months after we married he deployed to Iraq for 14 months. Once he returned we were transferred from GA to WA state – which he loves since he grew up here and his large family is from here. I’m from a small family that all lives on the East Coast and I still haven’t adjusted to the West Coast or the Seattle weather (we’ve been here 3 years). We’ve been married for 5.5 years no with no children (more by my choice than his) and last summer I started questioning whether I wanted to be married or not anymore. Nothing is terrible – there is no cheating or abuse or even fighting, I just feel like we may have gotten married too young, didn’t know each other enough and we both have changed a lot since then. We went to a few counseling sessions together – and some things helped – but I didn’t let on how seriously I was thinking about leaving. I started going to counseling alone but I don’t think my counselor and I were a good match – she couldn’t even remember my husbands name! By the fall I was having a harder time and he ended up moving out. Two months later we started to see each other again and I got those butterfly feelings and really liked hanging out with him – I looked forward to texts and seeing him…they didn’t feel like an annoyance anymore. He moved back in and has made noticeable effort to show me he is working on himself, but it just doesn’t seem like “enough”. There are things about his personality that just bother, annoy or embarrass me. He is very loud, blunt, brash, sometimes racist. I am quiet, polite, care what people think (which he thinks I care too much). I do have some OCD/control issues; I once made him throw away his pillow because the shape of it bothered me and he was fine with it. This weekend I broke down and have constantly been on the verge of crying since then. He has been great and says I just need to focus on the positive and that even though we both love each other we just want different things. This makes me feel even worse because he is being so supportive. I still love him but I feel like I am not in love with him. I’ve done a lot of reading, but I haven’t found much literature on childless marriages where the woman is the one who wants the divorce.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear lonely and defeated,

    The first thing you need to do is stop thinking about yourself as “lonely and defeated”, and start thinking about yourself as “connected and victorious”!!

    After all, you connected with me here. You are are smart, motivated, insightful woman who does not have to rely on her husband for self-confidence or self-esteem. I think you need to stop focusing on what your husband thinks, and start reconnecting with what YOU think and want.

    I wrote this article for you:

    What do you think?

  • Denise

    Hi Laurie
    Thank you for your response made on 3/11/2013 (replying to my post made on 3/6/2013). I have been going to counseling on-and-off for years since I have struggled with depression for most of my life (lucky me, it’s genetic) and I take anti-depressants, which help control my negative moods. Unfortunately, the last therapist I was seeing, I talked about my marriage over the course of my therapy, but unfortunately with the most recent set of events, I felt her advice did not help put my marriage into objective and working on coping mechanisms. My husband is willing to work on our marriage and we just had our first marriage counseling session this week. I feel good knowing that we are working with someone to help out in our situation, and she even works in individual sessions later on in the therapy so I will be able to discuss with her my perspectives one-on-one, especially some of the things that I have not talked to my husband about. To dive a little deeper, I am very attracted to someone I go to school with. This is the first time since I’ve been married I felt this strongly attracted to someone else. I am a strong person in which I would never cheat on my husband or leave him to be with someone else, but this strong attraction lead me to take another look about how I feel about my marriage. My husband and I have not made love in months and when we have, it’s not very exciting. I’m at the point in which I don’t get sexually excited or attracted to my husband, which has been the case for months, even years. However, when I think about this person in my class, I often catch myself fantasizing about him and in general, wonder what it would be like to be intimate with someone other than my husband (my husband was not my “first”). When I try to “shift gears” and fantasize about my husband, I am immediately turned off. I have no idea if the man in my class is mutually attracted to me, but we are friendly and talk in class, and even find ourselves making each other laugh, and we do share a lot of similar interests. I plan on addressing this to my new therapist, in time, but for now, I’m having a hard time coping with this additional issue. I’ve been giving myself “pep talks” so I can break off this attraction, but it hasn’t been easy. I will say I calmed down a bit since the start of the semester, but the attraction for this person has not gone away. I think about the man in my class all the time and I try to look for signs to see if he likes me too. I’m just not sure what to do right now.

  • Lisa Hunt

    Dear Laurie,

    Yes! I will seek help! I have been diagnosed as Bipolar and Borderline Personality in the past. I have so much anxiety to deal with and have been on so many medications that make me feel like a zombie but maybe I can find a treatment that works! I will try that first! Thanks for the advice!!

    Lisa Hunt

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Laura,

    Thank you for sharing your life with me here. I have lots to tell you!

    I wrote this article for you:

    Let me know what you think…and I wish you all the best as you decide on your next steps.

    Remember that you’re stronger, smarter, and savvier than you think you are. You can handle anything that comes your way…..but you have to believe in yourself.


  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Lia,

    You and I are alike in many ways! Except I was lucky that nobody wanted to marry me until I was 35, so I had the chance to settle my emotional state (more or less) before I got married.

    I wrote this article for you:

    You’re a smart, insightful, strong woman. You will make the right decision for yourself…but go slowly. Divorce is painful, and sometimes people regret taking that step. Take your time – it sounds like your husband is willing to wait!

    Let me know what you think.


  • D - from previous post

    Dear A:
    Thank you so much for your support and care! It really means a lot to see advice and kind words. To answer your question: He is sort-of a good father. When I am around, he pretty much avoids all activities that require effort. He does not pick her up, hold her, or really interact with her. He does say that he loves her a lot. I believe that he does love her a lot. However, as things continue to progress this way, I do not believe that he is willing to put effort into showing this.
    To be honest, I have been thinking about what truly brought us together, and the honest truth is sad. I have low self-esteem, and I felt that he was good enough, and by that I mean better than the bad men I have dated before. I noticed within the first 6 months of our relationship that I wasn’t happy, but I continued because I honestly believed I could not get better. I can’t blame him, it is my fault. I have this habit of giving, giving, giving as a way to “earn love” because I felt I wasn’t worth it. I would give him everything with no return. Within 3 months of dating he moved in with me because he couldn’t take care of himself. He couldn’t pay bills, and his house was in such disarray that it was pretty much unlivable. But, I powered through – as I think about it now, I don’t know why. I thought that maybe he would change. Maybe my love would make him better. Maybe I could be the woman that made him show love, and not let everyone else take care of him. Instead, I became the woman who took care of everything and 6 years later I finally feel like I am worth it. I do not think I can change what I have done for 6 years to him. I have now found that the good times we had were mostly forced upon him because he wanted me to like him, now that he believes I do, he doesn’t have to try. So, I am still left alone, but I am no longer left wondering. I believe I have decided that we will not work. I thank you for listening again. It meant the world to me
    Dear Bean,
    I can understand your situation, and I can’t say how much I appreciate your advice! I will take your advice and not get closer. But, I will take my feelings as a catalyst to take action in a different way. I will improve my life, and as things get better for me I will have the ability to be honest with myself and my situation. I know I will make a decision and I can only hope it will be the right one.
    Dear Laurie,
    Thank you for your time and the space that allowed me to get these feelings out. I generally do not allow people to know my thoughts/feelings so I have to say that I really appreciate what you have done!
    I know you are right. I should not and will not get involved. The feelings alone put the zap on my head and it made me realize that I would not have had feelings if I had the affection I needed. Thank you again for understanding.
    I also agree with your advice on counseling. I asked him several times and he has not yet taken it seriously. His older brother went to counseling and his brother didn’t like it so he has convinced my other half that it is bad. So, he refused to do it. I have even confronted him with my general unhappiness, on several occasions. I have not really articulated the full spectrum of my frustration, but I have told him many times that if he can’t improve that I can’t stay – yet I stay. He has made no effort to make change, and I am pretty sure that I can’t stay. I have started to open up to other people, but I can’t afford counseling yet. I will pursue it and I know it will help me make better life decisions. Not just with my relationship, but with my life. I believe the most important thing is to improve myself right now because even if I leave my other half, what is to prevent me from making the same mistakes? Why wouldn’t I just run into the arms of another man? Who is to say that my crush on a coworker is more insecurity coming out? He could be terrible for me, but I need to believe in myself first so I can make better decisions now, my daughter is the most important person now and everything I have to do will revolve around her happiness as well. Thank you again for giving me the opportunity to express myself!

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Lisa Hunt,

    You need to get help — before you even think about marriage counseling, I think you need to talk to a counselor on your own.

    Have you talked to someone about the abuse you experienced as a child? About your feelings of fear and abandonment?

    The first step to being a healthy, happy woman is to make yourself a promise: you will work on your happiness and health. Then, your marriage will change…or you will decide you need to leave your husband.

    Will you call a counselor, and get help coping with the PTSD and other issues?

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Cathy,

    It sounds like you and your family have gone through so much lately – I am so sorry for the death of your sister-in-law. What a traumatic, heartbreaking experience to live through at the same time as your pregnancy. My heart goes out to you.

    I can’t tell you if you should leave your husband, but I wrote an article for you:

    There are so many things to consider, not in the least your children! I think the biggest factor is your husband’s willingness to get help. There is something going on with regard to how he feels about his sister and your relationship, and I think that needs to be dealt with.

    Would he be willing to talk to a counselor, with or without you?

  • soo lost

    hello , my problem start 7 years ago in my countrey home Egypt . when i was 19 yo , i was engaged traditionally to a man i never spoke to him before , I didnt know what is the real meaning of marrige and long term relationship ,
    we were engaged for 3 years , but we lived in different cities , he is nice and kind person , and treats me very good , but i dont love him , i dont miss him , i dont enjoy talking to him , but he is good person , but not for me . he loves me alot , but i cant love him back ,
    now i live in usa , my income is three times his income , and it’s really affecting me . I never enjoyed his company , never ejoyed the sex , i dont have kids , and i dont want to have from him . i dont hate him , but i cant imagine my self afer 10 years with him , but he is nice with me , never say anything bad to me , he is gentelman , but i dont love him , and he deservs someone who can give all his love back , not like me

  • lonely and defeated

    as I read these posts, and your responses, I wonder what your response will be to me… I am married to a man for 4 years- we only dated for 2 weeks before moving in 3 months before getting engaged and 9 months before marrying. Every step has been a struggle, but I foolishly continued to tell myself it would get better, be different etc. I did love him and had/have tremendous respect for him. I thought he was smart fun and exciting. Things never were ok with us however.

    For example we planned to go to Florida for a vacation and decided to elope 3 months in, but he chickened out when we went to get the marriage license and afterwards took me to a jewelry store to pick out an engagement ring in order to make it up to me. I wanted a small simple wedding, because we couldn’t afford anything else, but he said he was embarrassed to invite his friends and family to a cheap wedding and we ended up getting married pretty much in secret at city hall, and even then I felt he was embarrassed to tell anyone, and I don’t know why I went through with it….. I am lying I went through with it because there were so many other things I loved about him. He was smart, adventurous, and kind- every-body loves him and he is a well respected surgeon. I knew he could offer me a secure life and having the experience of dating I knew it was difficult to find someone who had all of these qualities with whom you also had chemistry.

    I am also a doctor however, and ever since the beginning he has put my choice of specialty down because it is not as prestigious as his. I had always been a confident person, and I was proud of myself for being someone from very humble beginnings who got this far in life. I was always excited about the prospect of being a doctor, being able to take care of people while also making good money, and enjoying and appreciating life. He always made it clear that he felt being a doctor is “normal” and not that special, and to stop there and not leave a real legacy is lazy. At first I felt challenged and convinced myself that it was good to be with someone who pushes me, because before that I had always been the ambitious one in previous relationships… I think that was a mistake.

    He found his “dream job” towards the end of our 2nd year of marriage when I hadn’t completed my training yet, and moved out of state and left me alone in a house I didn’t even want to buy. It was very hard for me to move and join him later because I didn’t particularly like where he moved, but I did because I really wanted to work on the marriage, and told myself it was my duty as his wife to work on things. I read some divorce prevention stuff and worked hard to change how I felt about his “abandoning” me, and moved. I got a job in the new city that I quit after 2 months. I don’t know if I didn’t like it or if I didn’t give it a true try because I resented having no choice and having to take what I was given, while he got to accept his dream job.

    I don’t feel he respects what I do and I have lost my confidence and sense of self. I had always wanted a family, but I no longer want one. We live in a beautiful home in a beautiful place but I resent having to work in a job I dont like in order to basically support his dream, because I would have never chosen such an expensive place to live I would have never placed myself in this indentured servitude financial state. I am the type of person who would rather work 3/4 time and enjoy my free time, and he thinks I am lazy for it. He works all the time and often comes home late. I have been finding myself wondering how I got into this mess and trying to figure out when I lost my sense of self. We have tried counseling, but it is so expensive, and we felt like we were getting nowhere, and quit. He keeps saying things like “well, we tried our best” but I feel I have done 95% of the trying and he has done 5%- I don’t want a divorce but I also don’t want to be the only one trying anymore and don’t want to continue feeling like this. Any advice would be helpful.

  • laura

    Hi Laurie, ive been married for almost 26 yrs., im not sure what im feeling if I want a divorce or seperation .My husband has always put his needs before mine, I feel our relationship is very one sided I work a full time job as does he, I come home feed the dogs, make dinner, clean, I go to grocery store, etc… my husband basically does a little yard work and a occassional chore, he has never been really lovey dovey towards me and I have always hoped with time we would grow closer but if anything I feel it is getting worse, there is always something for him to yell at me about usually petty, I have a depressive personality and low self esteem so having to hear this day in and day out makes me cry on a regular basis, he never wants to do anything with me anymore and I love to get out and see things but I would love to do it with my husband not just friends and family. I have been thinking of seperating for a long time but honestly I am scared as hell about living on my own, can I do it and if not what then? Please help

  • Lia

    I’m grateful to have found this post and that you are responding to things. Thank you!

    I find myself in a similar situation as Kristen below, but without the negative feelings of being treated poorly by my spouse. I am married to my best friend, a truly great, honest, loyal individual. We met when I was 19 and he was 27 and we were married when I was 21 and he was 29. I had a difficult childhood with no parental support, so the fact that he was stable, loving, caring, and supportive was a huge draw to me. We’re now 6 years into our marriage and we’ve had a difficult few years. So much so that we’ve now been separated for 5 months. It got to the point that everything he did frustrated me. He would try to set the table for dinner and I’d be irritated. He’d want to hold me and I’d run the other way. The way he talked, the way he stood, the way he ate… everything was irritating me to a completely irrational level.
    I became interested in someone else at some point in this (though I have only strayed emotionally, not physically). I’ve started to explore my own independence, which he is supportive of, but I don’t want to have him involved in any part of my new independent life. I’m overly conscious of who he is when he meets my friends and I’m embarrassed by him (though he does nothing wrong).
    The issues we’ve had, like erectile dysfunction and communication problems, are not the worst things to deal with. But I can’t seem to let him back in. I can’t seem to get myself to try. We’re going to try marriage counseling, but I want out and can’t figure out why I can’t just be happy with this great guy. It’s safe and comfortable; he’s my best friend. But at what point is he supposed to move beyond my best friend and be my partner? I’m not sure we’ve ever had that connection that seems so vital to me. He disagrees.
    It would almost be easier if I had tangible reasons for wanting to leave (abuse, anger, neglect). All I have is saying that it’s just not right and that he doesn’t take care of himself (like with the ED) like I wish he would. I feel like such a failure because I can’t just be happy with what I have.

  • N.

    Hi, Laurie,
    I’m thinking about leaving my husband. Who’s according to his words :more educated than me, smarter than me, came from well mannered family( whom I never really connected in 13 years , neither he connected with mine. He’s never ever tried to even talk to our children(language barrier / not really) )… He screams at me like crazy in public or in front of my children, uses bad language. Every day he finds something he’s not happy about with me. He drinks every day wine, beer, brandy , at the dining table. He truly believes it’s a healthy habit. When I go to the gym and try to look my best it makes him very unhappy. I think my kids do not respect me. They talk back, do what ever they want especially in public places. I’m AFRAID it will get worse. He scream at them and calls them names as well like stupid, idiot or a looser. When child looses a game. Especially oldest one gets a lot of it( he thinks if child needs an explanation that’s because he’s just like me and my side of the family. He never read a book about child education and it’s impossible to make him a loving and caring father. I have to force him to do things. Like read a night time story once in a while. I’m a staying at home mom for 7 years. I used to work, I used to go to school and I miss my independence. I try every day to take a good care of my family. I don’t have any help and my kids not in the day care. My only hope things will change when I go back to work and I start to bring home a paycheck. Is it possible that only paycheck can return his respect for me? Or should I get smart ,find a job and start a new life. Who needs a mother with 3 children? I’m afraid my life would be over.
    Thank you.

  • Lisa Hunt


    I have no one else to turn to and am unsure what to do at this point. My husband and I have been together for nearly 9 years. We have been married since 2009. We have been through so much, losing jobs, vehicles by getting into accidents, losing our homes. We have gotten into fights so often mainly financial at first. He would call me the meanest names in the beginning and really killed my soul and self esteem. He knows I was sexually abused and sometimes would use that to his advantage. I have a fear of abandonment from being taken away from my biological mom at the age of 4. Sometimes we would be out in public and we would get to arguing and he would just walk away. Once we were in LA in a busy part of the city and he just walked away, locked the car and took the keys. I was stranded and nearly tried to kill myself. I have PTSD and so does he, we are both on disability and we are with each other 24/7. We have no other friends that we visit, don’t have a vehicle to even get around and are stuck in a single bedroom motel. Our whole entire marriage has been so hard and emotionally and some what physically abusive! I never knew a man could be so mean hearted! I just need to know what to do. He has hurt me so much and I am still scared to leave knowing I will be alone, with very little income and no place to call home. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished I was dead!

  • Laurie

    Dear Denise,

    It sounds like you’re reaching the end of the rope of your marriage! It also sounds like you’ve been doing alot of the relationship and household chores alone, with little support from your husband.

    Have you gone to counseling on your own? It might help to have an objective perspective of your life, marriage, and even your personality and way of coping with things. It often helps to talk things through with a professional who can help you see things clearly.

    Is your husband interested in making your marriage work? If not, you need to decide how to change your response to him. Either you accept him for who he is, or you choose another stage of life. This can be very exciting and liberating – either choice will change your life!

    What do you think?

  • Cathy

    I am writing in the hopes that someone can give me some kind of advice. But I’m not sure anyone will even read this. If anything I can get it off my chest a little by just writing it. My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years and we have two little girls together. Last year was definitely the most stressful year for our family. Right around the time I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd daughter, my husband’s sister was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I was kind of left to the wayside with my pregnancy while all the attention was focused on his sister, and rightfully so! Just when we thought she was in the clear, things went from bad to worse. I was about 7 months pregnant when she found out the cancer had spread. After several, intense chemo treatments and a couple months later, we were told my sister-in-law had 2 weeks to live. 2 weeks before my due date she was given 2 weeks to live. She also had two young children: two boys ages 3 and 1. With all the stress, I believe that is why I went into labor week early. We named our daughter after my husband’s sister and his sister even found the strength to come to the hospital to visit and hold her new niece. 6 weeks later, my sister-in-law passed away.
    After all of that, my husband still tells me I am selfish. He told me this before his sister got sick and she even often stuck up for me. He makes me feel terrible and I am often afraid to ask him for things or to do things because I’m afraid of him being so mean to me. He has never been physically abusive, just verbally. Yet I am too scared to leave. Is this grounds for divorce or do I need to try and work this out?

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Nicole,

    I think you should go for counseling on your own – without your husband! You need to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. How did you let your life turn out this way? You made choices based on what you needed at the time.

    Now, it’s time for you to make choices based on what you need at this point in your life. And the best way to figure out what you need is to talk to a counselor. Get some objective insights and feedback into your life, marriage, and your self. This will help you decide if you should leave your husband.

    It takes work to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. But, you sound like a very insightful, smart, self-aware woman who is strong enough to change her destiny! I know you can do it…but you have to take it one step at a time. You’ve already taken several steps – just commenting here is a step in the right direction! I believe the next good step is to talk to a counselor on your own.

    What do you think?

  • Louisa

    I have been married, for 28 years. I have 3 kids and 2 grand kids. Most of the marriage I have been taken for granted. I have never been financially secure, I have never been in a situation where I was romantically for filled. I have always had a yearning to leave but could not justify it because is a good man and a good Dad. I have done several moves with him across the country, most recently to California from the east coast… where I left a lover who I am pining for. I am not eaten up with guilt…just longing for the forfillment I found with my lover who I had not known for very long but feel like I have always known him. My kids are all grown and I am feeling like I have to make a decision for me.

  • Denise

    Hi Laurie:
    I’ve been a lot of mental turmoil over how happy I am with my married life for several years and only recently I started seriously thinking about ending my marriage. My husband and I eloped after only dating for several months and we are now entering our 9th year of marriage. In the past, I thought about leaving due to how my husband treated me but I was too scared of the unknown when it came to divorce. My husband worked a high stress job and would take out his frustrations on me (not physically just verbally). It came to a point to where I had to “walk on egg shells” whenever I talked to him because I never knew what could set him off into a bad mood. An example of his unknown personality was when his Xbox broke and we didn’t have the money to replace it so he flipped out and was pissed off for 3 days. I stayed out of his way and kept my distance. The other things that would bother me with the relationship was his lack of financial responsibility. I would take care of the bills and other needed expenses and tried to keep us on a budget since we had accumulated credit card debt and were working jobs that did not pay a lot. He would get into a hobby and spend money without a thought, which then put us behind in bills and added to our credit card debt. We were always fighting over money.
    Now, my husband has been unemployed for almost a year. I still work full-time but I’m also going to school part-time. My husband has barely looked for a new job, saying that he is still trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life and doesn’t want to go back to the field he had worked in previously. In the past, my husband has gotten ideas of things to do with his life (either starting his own business, trying different hobbies as stress relief), in which he spends a lot of money to make these things happen (as mentioned previously) but then gets complacent and just stops doing it altogether. However, there still lingers the financial strain it took for him to do these things.
    I’m very frustrated to come home and think he’s done nothing all day but watch movies. The house is a mess and I have to get on his case about helping out around the house, which I have expressed numerous times throughout his unemployment. I’ve also expressed why am I still responsible for taking care of domestic stuff when he has the time to take of them on his own(taking the dogs to the vet, grocery shopping, taking out the trash and recycling, etc etc etc). He’s expressed that he thinks I use school as an excuse to not care of the same things I get on his case about. I’m now at the point where I’m not afraid of the unknown when it comes to leaving and I’m too tired, frustrated, and exhausted to keep up with our relationship. I’m tired of feeling like a mother or the responsible figure in trying to keep our relationship running smoothly. I had a very long conversation with him recently expressing how I feel, how our current relationship and financial situation makes me feel, and when he asked if I still loved him, I said that I love him but I may not be in love with him anymore. We have agreed to start seeing a marriage counselor and since our talk, he’s been better with helping around the house and has been more proactive with finding a job. As previously stated, I keep thinking how long he will keep this up until he gets complacent and decides to just quit (or if he is just doing this to get me happy then will stop, thinking that solved the problem and go back to his old ways).
    I’m sorry this is so long, but I feel really lost. I keep going back and forth if I want to stay and work on the relationship, or has my own mental capacity has been too strained to want to put any effort at all, in spite of him finally trying to make improvements.

  • Nicole

    Dear Laurie

    I have been with my husband for almost 8 years now. We have been married for almost five years. When I met him I had just turned 19. I was a virgin and very lonely. My Mother and father were never there for me. I had no one. So, when I met my husband I was so lonely and probably would have gotten with anyone. At first he was nice to me, but only after a month did he begin calling me bitches and spitting in my face. I would always go back to him cause I would go home and be so lonely. I had no friends and really no idea about life. My mother never talked to me and my father was gone. He would never want me to hang out with new people i met at work. He only wanted me around him. He told me he couldn’t have any kids, but he lied and got me pregnant at 20. I felt so hopeless. I couldn’t believe I let my life turn out this way. I was super scared so we got married. Our son is now 6 years old. Me and my husband argue everyday, He has major anger issues. He’s always yells at me and our son and calls me names in front of him. He does work and he provide, but I am so miserable. I am not even attracted to him. I am not physically attracted to him and I hate his personality. I just feel so stupid for letting myself get involved with him. I had so many dreams. My mom keeps telling me to go to counseling. We’ve been a few times but it was a waste of time. He doesnt want to go to counseling, and to be honest I dont want to go either. He makes me want to vomit at the site of him. I dont know what I was thinking. I wish I had had some guidance. I want to leave him so badly, but I dont have a job or any money. Do you have any advice for me.

  • Nae

    Thank you for this site. It is good to hear I am not alone. My situation is this…My husband and I have seven kids all still in the home. He has always been quirky in his behaviors but has always been able to keep a job until 3 years ago when he lost it for porn. He had struggled for 3 years I didn’t know. He was then diagnosed with bipolar and is taking meds that make him seem more normal, but is still unable to get a full time real job. He works here and there. I am working FT, going to school FT and mostly the one caring for the kids and am worn out. I am doing all this to better our lives for the kids. I am tired of supporting him and dragging him along and have now shared this with him and plan to take action this summer. He always turns the conversation around to blame me for all my problems. In a way I secretly feel stuck and overwhelmed. I don’t know if I can do it alone, but really want to try!

  • Ash

    My husband and I are both 25. We have been married for 4 1/2 years and together for almost 7 years. We fight constantly and I dont find him that nice of a guy anymore. We have a couple of children and he is a good man but he’s not very pleasent to be around. He’s always mad at me and yells at me for everything even when its not my fault. I’ve tried to talk to him about not being that way all the time and sometimes he agree’s but he usually tells me he doesnt care. He refuses to let me go but I feel he is very mentally abusive, Im not too sure what to do other than leave him and hope that gives him a reality check with the attitude and if not at least im free from it. It’s too bad we have such a good Love connection but we just cant get along and he’s one of those men who are anti-help, anti-therapy because he doesnt need someone else telling him how to live his life.. Im assuming this relationship would be better to end soon because he has been this way for coming up to 2 years.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Kristen,

    Marriage is so difficult – even to men who are kind, loyal, and gentle! I think the Hollywood movies have done us a huge disservice by making us think love is full of romance, adventure, sex, witty conversations, and intense attraction.

    Love is hard work. I’m married to the nicest guy in the world – when you were describing your husband, I thought of mine! He doesn’t do anything “wrong”, but sometimes I get antsy, too. It’s normal.

    When I was in counseling, I asked my counselor how I could be happy in a boring, safe marriage (this was before I got married). She said I need to find ways to be happy and fulfilled within the boundaries of marriage. So, I travel and basically do everything I want in life – except live overseas again (living in Africa for 3 years was one of the best experiences of my life!).

    I guess I’m trying to say that feeling restless in your marriage is normal. What’s not so normal is finding ways to be happy and excited within the safety of marriage. I think that’s why divorce is so common, because people give up too easily.

    I don’t think you have to choose between playing it safe in marriage versus taking a stand for yourself by leaving. I believe you can have an exciting, interesting, fulfilling life within your marriage — but you have to work at it. You have to figure out what you want to do with your life, and find ways to incorporate your husband.

    What do you want to do with your life – what would make it more exciting and fulfilling? Divorce isn’t exciting and fulfilling. There is more to life than that! The trick is figuring out what you want out of your life.

    I also encourage you to figure out why your husband is criticizing you. You started out by saying what a great guy he is….why is he cutting you down?

  • Laurie Post author

    Hi Vanessa,

    I’m a Christian, too, and I’ve had many discussions about God hating divorce. There aren’t any easy answers for Christian women who think it may be better to leave their husbands.

    Have you talked to your pastor or a spiritual mentor? That’s the first step I’d take.

    I also suggest that you talk to a Christian counselor. You didn’t really mention what is going wrong in your marriage right now. Is your husband still addicted to heroin? How is he hurting you, your daughter, and your marriage? I think it’s important to talk those things through so you can figure out if divorce is the best option.

    And finally, have you prayed about your marriage? Do you feel any promptings from God or the Spirit on what you should do?

  • Kristen

    Firstly, thank you for taking the time out to replying to these posts.

    I am 26 years old and have been married for almost 2 years now. I have been with my husband for about 7 years now. I’m struggling with whether or not I should leave me husband. I feel like I am no longer in love with my husband, I’m not attracted to him and find myself annoyed at having to spend time with him. He is one of the nicest people you will ever meet. On paper, he is pretty perfect. He is finishing school to get a well respected, high paying job. He has excellent morals/values. He is extremely loyal and can’t wait to have a family BUT my heart just isn’t in it anymore. Even though he is a great guy I am not happy. I feel like I’m being selfish, wanting to end my marriage to pursue things I love and have dreamed about. I feel trapped in my marriage, I feel like I’m living a mediocre life. My marriage doesn’t excite or fulfill me. To be honest, I don’t know if it ever did. I think I married him because it was a safe move. We’ve had a really rough year, he’s been treating me poorly, putting me down a lot which we’ve addressed and he’s working on it but some of the things said I think have lead me to here. About 3 months ago was the worst, he told me I was a horrible person and he didn’t know how he could love someone like me and my values were off. He said he didn’t mean it and he loves me and wants to be with me but those words have scarred me and I can’t let it go. I feel like it’s unfair to him to be stuck with me just as unfair it is for me to be stuck with him… I am not a very good wife, I prefer hanging out with my friends over him, I am not a homebody which he is and that causes a strain on our relationship. We’re both just very different people, we like different things and want to do different things with our lives. I want to travel the world and experience as much as I can where as he wants to have kids and stay at home and play board games with his parents… He is 30 so I think we’re at different stages in our life. We’ve been in debt for most of our relationship due to his bad investments and failed businesses so I’ve never had the freedom to spend my money as I want and do the things I want to without feeling bad. I have worked steadily and even worked two jobs to support us while he tried out different things in life and now I feel like I need to stand up for myself and do what I want to do… I don’t know if that’s enough information to help me but any advice would be much appreciated. I am at such a loss about what to do. I am such a happy person but when I’m with him I feel so trapped and not myself like the real me dies a little… Do I play it safe and stick it out or do I take a stand for myself and walk away?

    Thank you so much.

  • Vanessa Nina


    I’m having a situation and have been going back and forth with this since we’ve been married;

    Me and my husband have been married for 2 years. I’m now 22 (young) and have never really had parents. I was raised by my grandmother who did the best she could with what we had. Let me just get to it; my husband is a heroin addict. When we met I was in college and very active in my Christian church; he was getting help at my church for his addiction. When he was getting ready to return to his home state after 6 months, he wrote me his last of many letters (of which the previous ones I never responded to) saying he was leaving back home to start his new life. He left a number for me to call if I cared to even have a friendship. I called the next day. To be honest I didn’t even know I was interested until I called. Long story short, we did the long distance thing for 6 months before we got married. In the 6 months I visited his state twice for about 3 weeks.

    I wanted to help him.. I thought I could help. He’s done so many things to hurt me but the complicated part is we have a one year old daughter. I don’t want to rob her of what I didn’t have but, I don’t know if I can leave.

    I know in the bible it says God hates divorce, but on what level is it religiously okay to walk out. I’m scared to leave and do it all on my own. I’m in a state without my family and I feel like there is no hope.

    Any advice is great;

    Thank you..


  • Laurie

    Dear D,

    I understand that you cannot leave your husband because you want to give your child the best life possible. That makes a lot of sense! You do not want to ruin your childs life by taking her or him away from a financially secure position.

    Then, you need to find a way to be happy in your marriage the way it is. If you are unhappy, your child will pick up on it and be unhappy, too. Then you are staying with your husband for nothing!

    How can you find happiness in your unhappy marriage? Tell me 3 things that make you happy. Can you incorporate those into your life?

  • Erin

    I know I’m ready, but I’m not working full-time, we have a lot of bills, 2 children and I’m so scared financially about the decision to divorce. We’ve been married 20 years, but it’s been on a down-slide for many of those years. He’s mean and selfish and has only gotten worse over the years. I don’t feel so alone reading these comments. I have some very tough decisions to make.

    • Christine

      Hi erin! I am in the same boat…20 years and it is worse by the year…i have just started taking steps to get my life back. Hang in there.

  • D

    I appreciate that you shared your feeling with me, yes I know it is very hard to break your marriage. I have no child but with child situation would be worse.I can’t trust, relay and depend on my husband. He can’t give me time and keep me happy, and how I expect he would do for his child? My life is spoiled already how could I spoil my future child’s life. I know I can’t give my child better life like this.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear City Girl,

    It is so complicated because on the one hand, you took marriage vows that said “for better or worse”! On the other hand, you deserve better than to be bored and lonely in your marriage.

    I think it is better to find ways to be joyful and happy where you are now. If you love your husband and want to be married, then you need to learn how to live with him…for better or worse.

    Before I got married, I saw a counselor for a year. I told her I was scared to get married because I would be bored and tied down. I would feel suffocated and trapped – whether we live in a big city or halfway around the world, in Africa or Asia. She said that I need to find ways to be happy and healthy in my marriage, without running off to find new adventures. She told me to find adventures in my marriage, in my city, and in my circumstances.

    So, one option is to change your attitude about your marriage and your surroundings.

    If you decide to leave your husband, I encourage you to talk to him as you make your plans. Do not leave him out of it — give him the chance to decide to move with you. Keep the lines of communication open.

    I also encourage you to talk to a counselor. Figure out if your source of unhappiness is really about where you are living. I say this because I believe that a healthy, whole person can be happy no matter where she is living. I really believe it is our attitudes, not our circumstances, that make us happy.

    What do you think?


  • Laurie

    Dear D,

    You sound like a strong woman who can survive anything that comes your way! I think it would be a mistake to get involved with your coworker, because it will complicate your life even more. I understand that you feel alone, and my heart goes out to you. Humans need physical contact and affection, and we wither without it.

    Is your husband open to counseling? If not, I encourage you to seek counseling on your own. You need to figure out if you can stay in this marriage the way it is, or if you need to move on. I encourage you to get an objective opinion, and get the support you need to decide which direction to move.

    If you do decide on divorce, even an emotional affair with a coworker will not work in your favour. It is important to stay as “clean” as possible until you are morally and legally free of your marriage vows.

    What do you think – can you talk to a counselor?


  • Laurie

    Dear Rob,

    I do not think your girlfriend will change, so you have to decide if you can accept her and your relationship for what it is right now. I know you love her and wish she was faithful, but she cannot give you what you want.

    When deciding if you should stay in a relationship, you have to decide if you can live with things the way they are right now.

    She will not go to counseling with you – but I think you should go on your own. Maybe you do not need couples counseling; you need to figure out what YOU want out of your life. If you want a healthier, closer relationship than she can give you, then you need to figure out what steps to take next.

    What do you think – can you live with your girlfriend the way she is right now?


  • rob

    Hello, I’ve been with my partner since December 2011. At first I love her. It took her 7 months or so to commit to me. Although from the beginning I thought she was. In our 3rd month she spent Valentines Day with another partner. Followed by that she went to Florida for 6 days. I only spoke with her twice for maybe 30 seconds.
    Later, say around June, I approached her about infidelity. I asked her, didn’t accuse her. She finally admitted to all the dirt.
    My problem is I really love her, and I feel like I lost my way in life. She’s an exhibitionist and just into all this freaky sex stuff. She gets more pleasure sexually when she’s watching porn or someone else is watching her. On top of that she has all these hook up apps on her phone. She likes having three somes. I did do it with her but im really not into doing that with her. I want her alone. She doesn’t understand. She gets angry when ever I tell her. She’s a very addictive person. When were not together she’s on that computer, I feel emotionally cheating on me. Do you know how it feels to be always feeling insecure because she needs all these other people. On top of that she’s 58, im 41. She likes all these younger college kids. I don’t know what to do. She says it’s all in my head and I’m just jealous.
    Please help me. She doesn’t want to do counseling.
    Thank you for hearing my story.

  • Bean

    Dear D:
    I ready your entire post and I must say… your situation is alarmingly similar to mine. I met my husband of 7 years when I was 14. Only boyfriend I ever had. Got married…married for 5 years before we had our first child who is now almost 2. My husband also smokes pot (lies to me about it), drinks, and plays video games all the time. He helps around the house a little, but for the most part, I am the only one that takes care of the chores and our son. Yes, i knew how he was when I married him, but when you are so young, you expect people to grow up by the time they reach 31, which he will be in April. I turn 30 this year and have decided I do not want my life to continue down this path. Like you, I have developed feelings for a co-worker but acted on those feelings instead of waiting, which was a horrible mistake. Now I feel like a confused mess… Having feelings for someone that actually makes me happy but not really being ‘over’ my husband. I moved out of our house with my son about 5 months ago and am now considering going back. I feel like I owe it to my son to give our marriage one last chance. My husband wants me to come home despite everything that has happened. But he honestly hasn’t made any effort to change thus far, so I’m skepticle things will work out. I’ve decided that if things don’t change, I’m filing for divorce. My only advice for you is to not act out on your feelings for “other man”. I know there were reasons (plenty of them) I left my husband other than having feelings for someone else, but now I am afraid that I left because of this other person and I feel like I need to go back to make sure of my feelings. I wish you luck because I know how hard of a situation this is. Please let me know how things work out for you.

  • Laurie

    Dear Sad and Depressed,

    Thank you for sharing your experience with us, and I am sorry for what you and your kids are going through. No matter how difficult a relationship or marriage is, it is often hard to leave. And when you have kids, the emotions and arrangements are much more complicated.

    You did the right thing by leaving your husband. Now you and your kids are mourning the end of the relationship. This is painful, but healthy.

    If you want to come back and tell me how you are doing, I welcome you anytime. I hope you have a strong support network, and encourage you to build friendships with other women who are strong and healthy (like you are!).


  • A

    Dear D:

    I read your comment and it seems as though you are very unhappy and your needs are not being met. It’s okay to be sensitive, so you should not apologize for that. And it’s okay to want your husband to be thoughtful and take the time to do something special for you on your birthday or for no reason at all. I do not think that you are asking for much at all. And everyone needs contact and affection, so it’s completely normal to want to cuddle with your significant other. It seems as though you would like to work on your relationship, but it concerns me that he does not. What brought you two together? Sometimes just talking about the good times you had together reminds you both of why you love each other and want to be together. Do you guys still go out on dates? My husband and I have also been been having problems and we decided to have a date one night a week. It seems to help. I know this is difficult when you have a child, but really make sure you take time for each other. Even if it’s just staying at home and watching a movie. You need to express how serious the situation is to your significant other. Does he know that you are not happy and are considering leaving him? Perhaps if you sit down and tell him this then he may come around. Perhaps he will realize that he has been taking you for granted. You can even try writing him a letter if you are not comfortable talking to him in person. If you have tried everything and he is not putting in any effort to make this relationship better and you are still unhappy then I think it’s time to leave. You have a daughter and you want her to have a good male role model in her life. You want her to grow-up around people who love each other. Does he interact with her? Is he a good father? These are all things to consider as well.

    Just know that you are not alone. I can relate to your situation. I too get lonely sometimes due to my husband not showing me as much affection or thoughtfulness as I would like. We are trying, though. I really hope your situation gets better. I mostly wanted you to know that it is normal to feel this way and to need those things. I hope I was able to help you a little bit and I sincerely hope things look up for you.

    Take care,

  • D

    I am considering leaving my common-law husband. After reading all of these comments of clear abuse, and anger, I wonder if I am maybe being a bit whiny. Hopefully someone can shed light on my situation anyway. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I should suck it up; cowboy up as they say.
    See, I care about my other half. I want him to have happiness. I have never wished bad things to happen to him. He has never once hit me in anger. He has never once called me names in anger.
    We have been together for 6 years, and we have a beautiful 2 year old daughter together. I am sincerely unhappy with “us”. I feel like I am currently “growing” in life and as each day passes I feel more and more disconnected from him. I feel guilty because I am sure this disconnect is because of me. I just want affection, attention, or something nice and he is not on board with that. I will admit that I am probably a bit sensitive. I would like to feel appreciated more. On the opposite side, he is a bit critical because he is more detached from emotions. He does NOT like cuddling, at all. I would love nothing more than to cuddle at least once, to be held, to feel affection. He always says that he wasn’t raised that way and he can’t show affection. To me it sounds like an excuse not to try. I like social situations and gatherings, he does not. He would stay inside all day and play video games all the time if given the opportunity. I would like to go out at least once a month with friends. I am not talking about parties or anything like that. I bring our daughter to the museum, or the library, or even the park. I love to meet new people. I know that is not something I should request of him if he prefers to be alone, but I would really like it if he didn’t make me feel really guilty when I do hang out with friends, or go out. Also, we have not had sex in at least a year. When he wants to have sex, he gets turned on by slapping my backside very hard. It hurts, and I usually get turned off immediately. I wind up just providing a service and then feeling sexually frustrated. I also feel like we have absolutely no interests in common. He absolutely LOVES all things sports, and I have never really had an interest in that. I do try to feign interest because it can’t be all bad for me. I do work, and we share the bills. I know I will sounds very selfish and materialistic when I say this, but I would like it if he bought me something nice just once. I am not expecting him to buy anything expensive, just a card, or a flower, or even keep his money and make something. Maybe he could just write “I love you” in the fog on the mirror in the bathroom; anything! He has never once bought me a present, not for birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, or any special occasion. He says that is not how he was raised and asking that of him is trying to change him. I do care for him, but as I feel the need for affection grow, I feel like I am falling far from in love with him. As I mention before, I am probably being sensitive, so if there is any advice on how to stifle this, let me know as well.
    I don’t make quite as much as he does, so I am not financially stable enough to take care of me and my daughter. I have just a bit more schooling to go and I will be a nurse, at that time I would be capable of taking care of us both.
    I could go on about the small differences that make me feel like a bad significant other, but there is something hat I feel is worse. I have gone so long without cuddling, affection, sex, and all of the above mentioned things that I started to have feelings for someone else; a co-worker. I have not cheated on him with this person, but I feel that my feelings are bad enough. I have not hung out with the coworker outside of work, and there has been no contact that would be close to cheating. We just talk on smoke breaks, lasting about 10 minutes max, and we only work together once a week. But, I still feel so guilty. I feel like me thinking about the other man is enough. That is like cheating. I am sort of lost. I am unhappy with what I have, and I think of leaving him. But, at the same time I care about him, and I don’t want him to suffer. It would cause hardship between him and his daughter, I believe, and I would feel bad about that. I have asked him to go to counseling with me on several occasions, but he is against it. Now he wants to buy a house together, and I am not even sure if I want to wake up next to him anymore. I feel terrible. I just want him to quit smoking pot all the time, quit playing video games all the time, and just once and a while clean up after his dirty dogs, or do a single dish, or do something nice for me. I would be willing to change too, but I don’t know what direction I should go. Thank you for reading my rant. I appreciate any advice anyone has.

  • City Girl

    I am a city girl, and was living in Portland, OR when I met my husband who lived in Orange County. Although I’m not from Portland, I loved living there. I grew up in a city, and have lived in multiple fun, liberal cities, where there is always something going on. Even though I have always despised the suburbs, and suffered extreme depression when my mom made us move to the suburbs when I was a teen, I moved in with my now husband, in SoCal in the crappy suburbs. That was about 4 years ago, and I have been nothing but depressed and bored out of my mind. In the first 2 months I lived here, I gained 25 pounds. I hate everything about where we live. I hate the plastic materialistic uninteresting people, the fact that there is nothing to do besides surfing and drinking at shitty bars, I hate being around so many annoying teenagers, I hate driving and prefer public transportation, and I hate having to drive an hour to go do anything remotely fun. I have tried so hard to not be miserable and tried to find things to do that I enjoy, but there really is nothing. I was planning on leaving my now husband, who at the time was just my boyfriend, once our apartment lease was up and was going back to either San Francisco or Portland, but then he proposed to me. I said yes, but all throughout the wedding planning, I kept thinking of breaking it off and moving back somewhere that would make me happy. I loved my husband (then fiance) to death, and couldn’t imagine life without him and we got married. He knows how miserable I am, and he keeps telling me that we won’t live in the suburbs forever, but I don’t believe he will keep his promise. We were supposed to move out of our shit town when our lease was up and move to a more lively suburb, but he convinced me to stay in this snooze of a town another year, and promised that we will leave SoCal for good once our lease is up and move to a city. I don’t think he will ever move, cause he loves his job and says that he has . Every day on my way to work I wish I would get into a terrible car accident and die, since that is how miserable and bored I am, and how trapped I feel. When I go visit friends where I used to live, I cry my eyes out when I have to fly back here. I have no joy in my life whatsoever. I am also starting to resent my husband, and as much as I love him, my love for him is being replaced by resentment. I regret meeting him, falling in love, moving to SoCal for him, and regret marrying him. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m planning on trying to get a job transfer to Portland once our current lease is up in a year. Should I tell him my plan, or wait til our lease is coming close to being up? Also, do you think it’s possible for a married couple to live in separate cities? I’ve told him before that if he doesn’t move, I will, and we can be married long distance and meet up on the weekends and holidays. He obviously did not like the idea. Is it better to be lonely and live somewhere that makes you happy, or to be with someone that you love and be miserable and depressed everyday because you hate where you live?

  • Sad and Depressed

    Hi, I have a story of abuse as well. Last Thursday my husband of 15 years hit me and threw me into a wall in front of my children ages 8 and 10. He calls me every name in the book his favorite is c=nt and tells me he wishes I would die and to go to hell I make him sick all in front of my kids and he tells them I do not care about them and that I am a moron and am worthless. Then he will say hes sorry and that I should know not to make him so mad and he wont say things like that. Then he will be nice for a few days then if he gets irritated about anything it starts all over again. I cant do anything right. Since he hit me last Thursday he has not been back. I called the cops on him which I have never done before, so now they are looking for him. He is also addicted to crystal meth and is probably high right now. I know I need to do something and everyone is telling me to leave him and start a new life but we still miss him so much me and the kids. they worry that they don’t know where he is but he doesn’t even call to say hi to them. he is the most selfish person I have ever met when I remember all the horrible things he has said to me and to do it in front of our kids I have no more respect for him as a man and that’s another problem with us I have lost my respect for him.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Karen,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and doubts with us! You’re right: it’s never easy to leave your husband, even when you know you should go. I think that’s partly because no marriage is “all bad.” Most marriages, even the unhealthiest ones, have some good parts that keep us connected. Most husbands, even the worst ones, have some good qualities that keep us loving them.

    It takes alot of energy to leave your husband….but maybe it takes more to stay with him.

  • Karen

    I have been with my husband for 32yrs married and 6 yrs before that, he was my childhood sweetheart, but i always knew that he had a nasty streak. I assumed that it would change over time, wrong, it got worse. His father was an alcoholic, who always bullied his mother mentally. My husband is the exact same person. We have two grown sons who are wonderful and a cherished grandson, whom he adores. He is a beautiful person when not drinking although he still has issues. He has always showed his love to me, but he is extremely jealous and has always been jealous of the love i have for my kids. He is never ever wrong, even when told by numerous people, it does not matter, it is always every-ones fault but his. He has been banned numerous times from clubs and even online play poker, but it is them not him. I have started to go out and about on my own and i am finding I feel relieved that he is not with me. There is not a day anymore that he does not drink, and his children only tolerate him for my sake. He stopped paying any household bills except the mortgage, about 3 years ago, and I am having to come up with the money, even though I only earn half of what he makes. I never have any money for myself and he is able to gamble and drink away about 500 dollars a week. I resent this and have told him so , but his answer is to get a better job then. I am 53 and am lucky to be employed anyway, so I feel as if I am ready to give up. You cannot choose who you love, and I will always love him. His mother was never an emotionally giving person, and I wonder if he was affected by this. He embarrasses me when we do go out together and continually reminds me how much money he has given me that night, so that i should feel grateful for the dribbles that he throws my way. I hate him so much. and love him equally the same. He has always been one to give me breakfast in bed and do things around the house for me, but it just does not feel enough anymore. I don’t know if i can live without him, but I feel that my life would be so stress free with him not in my life. I also feel that my kids and I could have a normal life as well. They love him but, they don’t like him. He also has issues with true intimacy He enjoys sex still but he has never been able to have kissing as well. I find this truly strange because, I came from a loving, cuddly family who always knew how to show affection

    I have strong suspicions that he is a narcissist, and if that is true then he will never change. He also sulks for weeks on end, and we can never resolve anything with talking or just a wing ding verbal fight. He just does refuse to discuss anything, I find myself wishing that he has medical issues so that he will stop drinking but that just seems ridiculous. My life feels hopeless, and i also don’t want to have to fight for my half of house etc etc. at my age it just seems too hard. He also has this great ability to make you feel like everything is your fault, he can twist and turn anything around even when he deliberately hurt me one night, when he sat on me, (the only time ever that he has hurt me) I thought he had broken one of my ribs, and had them x rayed, but was only bruised. My youngest son wanted to hurt him back but i kept him away for a while. When I read this back to myself i know what i should do but it is never that simple. I also have self doubt issues because I have full alopecia (hair loss). and do not think that anyone else would except me, this however has never been one of our problems because he has always supported me and made me feel that to him it is not even an issue, even though i have had this for 28 years. He has never ever thrown my lack of hair into any equation. Loved reading other comments and thaks for the opportunity for being able to vent mine.


  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Jf,

    I can’t tell you if you should leave your husband – but I am impressed that you have made positive changes in your life! When I started graduate school, one of my instructors said that growth and change can have huge effects on our relationships and marriages…sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst.

    It sounds like you are going through a period of reflection, growth, and insight. You’re developing more self-awareness, and probably beginning to realize that time goes by so fast! You don’t want to stay in a marriage that is half-assed, or incomplete somehow.

    There is nothing wrong with feeling like that. But, it’ll take some work to figure out if you need to leave your marriage, or if you can rebuild it. Either way, you have work to do!

    If I were you, I’d focus on learning how to be happy in my marriage. I would ask my husband to make changes – but first I’d have to figure out what changes I need in myself, my marriage, and my life. It’s not fair to expect a husband to change when we don’t know what we want!

    I think it might be good if you take some time to figure out what specifically you want from your husband and your marriage. Then, communicate your needs to him — and don’t expect him to change overnight! People are creatures of habit, and need time to change their ways of being and relating.

    If this doesn’t work, then it’s time to think about taking different steps.

    What do you think of this?


  • Jf

    I have been married for 19 yrs together for 20, since I was 17. We have two teenage sons together, and I used to be happy, now I am really just wanting to be left alone. I am 37 having what feels like a midlife crisis. I have never tried to change my husband, I always loved him the way he was. I used to stay home and raised ours sons but I have been working out of the house for a year now, and I am changing. This is the first job outside the house I have ever had and I love it. I have always done everything as far as housework and the kids, but now I want him to be involved more and he has no interest in anything but himself. I feel like I have created this monster and now I have to deal with it. I feel lonely unappreciated and unattractive. Our whole world revolves around him and his needs, he never asks me anything about myself or the kids. I know he loves us but I am sick of everything being about him. I have been thinking of leaving him but am terrified to uproot the boys and I don’t know if I could do it on my own financially. I am thinking maybe a separation but I don’t know how he would react to that. Should I just wait these feelings out or just get over it and leave. I have had a serious talk with him and he has tried to be better for me but It seems he is really set in his ways.

  • Laurie

    Dear Naima,

    I am so sorry that you’re in this situation! It sounds like you know you should leave your husband, but you need help getting out of there.

    Where do you live? Is there a women’s help line you can call?

  • Just Say'n Naima

    This is for NAIMA who met her husband when she was 15 fell in love, and converted to Islam to marry him. GET OUT NOW… don’t wait any longer. You do not have to live like that. Get protection for your family and for yourself. Things may look bad now… but you do not need to live with a monster. For the protection of your children you need to leave.

  • Naima

    I met my husband when I was 15 fell in love, converted to Islam to marry him my family disowned me. I am not allowed to leave the house unless I am covered head to toe, I am not allowed to work, talk to men or look at men. He says I cheat on him and accuses me of mastrubating (which I dont)! He calles me disgusting names, has beaten me around 30 times. Forces to have sex with him, and says if i leave him he will rape my mum and sister and will kill my brother. I have four girls between 5 years of age and 10 years of age. I have no money, no friends and suffer from depression. I am not the happy go lucky sociable girl any more after being with him for 13 years I am very lonely, sad and hate myself and hate life. I have tried to kill myself but never succeeded. He shouts at me, screams in my face, doesn’t listen when I talk and never tells me if he loves me or if i look nice. He questions my girls daily to see what we’ve been doing during the day and he follows me. He says Im a whore and I make him sick cause Im fat and ugly. Im not allowed to spend time with my family as he says they are not muslims so they will go to hell. I dont know where to to or what to do im scared he will find me and kill me and take my girls to pakistan.

  • Naime

    Hi, I feel so sad after reading all these ditressing comments by ladies who are in an awful situation. look at your situation from an outsiders point of view for example if your daughter came to you and told you your own story but it was happening to her, what would you say to her? As a mother of four girls if any one of my girls went through what you women and myself are going through I would tell her to leave and be happy again. we must remember life is too short, we cant spend our lives being treated like dirt. why should we? who the hell do these men think they are? how dare they treat us like this? We deserve better. Girls if ever you are being physically, mentally or emotionally abused GET OUT whilst you can. I am

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Dorabella,

    Being an emotional punching bag is not part of a healthy relationship! While it’s true that we need to be able to vent to our partners — there’s a difference between sharing how our day went, versus being emotionally abusive to our spouse.

    Maybe your husband doesn’t know how to let his frustrations of the day out, in a way that doesn’t tear you down or destroy your marriage. I don’t know how to teach him that — it depends on his personality, learning and communication style, and whether he’s ready and willing to make changes in his behavior.

    Do you think he’s willing to try to make things different in your marriage?

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear HNathalie,

    Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you’re in a tough situation with a man who is intent on making life difficult for you — but you’re a strong, smart woman!

    I’m glad you’re preparing to play dirty. I hope you have friends or coworkers who have been through divorce, so they can help you get ready for whatever your husband throws at you. Have you talked to a lawyer yet? That’s an important way to prepare to leave your husband, because a lawyer can help you make sure you’re doing everything legally. If you stray outside the law, your husband may be able to make things worse for you.

    I wish you all the best, and welcome you to come back and let us know how things are going.


  • HNathalie

    Hello,Reading all these comments makes me feel so very less alone.  Thank  you to all who have shared their stories.My story is this. I’ve been married to my husband for 12 years, together for 14. We have four beautiful kids together. In 2007 I found out my husband was having a secret “friendship” with a single girl he met through one of his jobs. For almost a year that relationship dominated my life. He ended it almost 6  months after I found out and to this day insists nothing ever happened between them, but I’m not sure. He lies a lot. Fast forward to December 2010 and I find out he’s involved in another secret “friendship”, this time with my single boss who works at the same place we both work part-time. Again he claims just friends and I’m expected to just say, “ok”. However I wasn’t okay and I wanted him gone. So I thought. I should mention that between 2007 and 2010 I caught him sending emails to casual connections on craigslist and he also almost got fired from his part-time job where we both work for slapping a co-worker on the butt. So on 12/31/2011 he moved out of our home and into his parents home. At first it was horrible. I realized I didn’t want a divorce and he was hardly spending anytime with the kids or I. He still paid all the bills. I only work part-time and my earnings go towards stuff for the kids and groceries. Then there was a small shift and we became intimate again. At first it was branded a casual thing, but it did help us. Over last summer we spent a lot of time together both with the kids and without. Things were looking up. However he refused to move home. His reasons were all on me. I threw my bosses name out too much, he refused to live under a microscope, etc. As our time together grew short due to other commitments and the kids, things started to fall apart again. I was sick of having people ask me what was going on with us and having to admit he still lived at mommy’s house. I was tired of him skirting caring for the kids by hiding at mommy’s house. His parents expect nothing from him. His mom does his laundry, and his dad takes care of the house. He has zero responsibility there. So now he spends his off days here on my couch, laying around pretending to be a dad. Then if he wants a nap he escapes to mommy’s house to take one in a quiet house with no kids. His reasons for not moving home blame me for everything…I’m not nice to him, I take him for granted, I told him he can’t come back. It’s been a year now and I’m frustrated. His parents are no help, just bury their heads in the sand and pretend this is all normal. He refuses to take any responsibility for his role in any of this and when i dare mention how stupid it is that he’s still living with his parts, it’s an instant fight. My thoughts, and many people agree with me is that he has the best of both worlds right now. He can hide at mommy’s and live the bachelor life and come here when it suits him. I’ve tried barring him from coming here and he just scoffs at me saying it’s his house because he pays the bills. I’ve asked him to then grow up and admit he’s never moving back and to joint file a divorce with me and he refuses. He says that I created this “sh!t storm” so I have to file alone. He knows this is hard for me with my Catholic upbringing. I’m so tired of living this lie that he totes to his friends of him being the perfect husband and father. I’m so tired of being blamed for everything wrong in this marriage. I’m tired of his idiot parents who obviously care nothing for my children so they let him hide out at their house. I know what I need to do, and even though it isn’t what I want to do I’m preparing myself…I’m near completion of my degree which will help me land a better job. Once I have that security I’m praying my journey isn’t so tough, however he has informed me that if and when I do file a divorce he will make things as difficult as possible. Due to that statement, I’m also preparing myself to play dirty as well. I just wanted to share my story in the hopes of helping someone else. I’m not glad that anyone is going through this pain and suffering, but I am glad I’m not alone. You never see this coming when you take those star in your eyes vows. I never thought my husband would be the things he now is. I’m certain mental illness plays a part somehow, but my husband is prideful and refuses to get help. I’ve also figured out he’s a narcissist and that never bodes well in a marriage. I should mention we did try marital counseling but it was a bust. Documented liars only lie more when put on the spot. Also, as I type this I have been up since 7am and got my kids off to school. Mr. I’m right and everyone else is wrong is still most likely sleeping at mommy’s quiet house. He lies and says he isn’t sleeping in, however I have ways to check and know he does.

  • Dorabella

    Hi…I am with my fiance 11 yrs …we have had ups and downs the last 8 years living in a town where we didnt know anybody…we recently moved back to our home town to make life easier. I could not have been happier but it hasnt taken too long for our old fighting arguing screaming name calling and general horrible behaviour to creep in …i am a student/working singer opera classical etc and this takes a big commitment but i do earn a substantial amount of money from that alone…i have recently gotten another part time job with allot of overtime…but he will not stop his incesent nagging and moaning…apparently i do nothing, am lazy and the house is messy untidy etc…i have kept our new home clean everyday enjoying cooking and being the best i can be but it is NEVER enough …Even when i leave the place spotless he will constantly nag nag nag pick fault with everything…thats not the halfof it …but the main point is i really cant stand liviong with him, he is ruining my general every day happiness and i keep thinking he will change but it nevewr does …its a continuous cycly of him giving out nagging and complaining …me screaming crying coz im so angry and then him appologising…he works very hard so i know he is tired but all he seems to ever do is take out his exhaution on me…i am his emotional punch bag…wen i say this to him he agrees and says i should be there for him to let out his frustrations on???thois confuses me …all i want is a peacful happy life …to cook clean work and sing …even when i do all this he still is never happy …it is driving me insane!!!what should i do???

  • Laurie Post author

    I can’t tell you what you should do – if you should leave your husband. I don’t know you, I don’t know your marriage, and I don’t know your kids!

    If I were in a difficult or unhealthy marriage, I would leave. But I don’t have kids to consider. My friend is going through a divorce, and her 3 kids are shattered by it. Her husband left her, and it has torn the family apart.

    Here are a few questions to think about:

    Is your marriage that bad, that you want to tear your family apart?

    Can you find ways to be happy in your marriage?

    What did you think marriage would be like?

    Have you sought counseling – individual or couples?

    Are you spiritually and emotionally grounded?

    I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful – I really wish I could give you the right answers! But the answers are in you, not me.


  • Joan

    Hi! I’ve been mariied for 8 years and we have one child. My husband is 14 years older than me. I never think i will come to this point of leaving him but I’m thinking that I don’t want to stuck with him for the rest of my life is I’m unhappy. He’s a very good husband in everything except we make love once in 3 months or lesser than that. I handle it pretty good coz I thought I will be fine but now I realize that I need it somehow. I really want to make it work but he never tried to be better for 8 years. Now I spoke again to my ex in high school and I never realize that I’m wanting him again. I know this is ridiculous and so wrong. Please help me.

  • Jenna

    So difficult reading all these stories, life is so very short for any of us to spend any great amt of time unhappy. i am seperated, and have to make the final decision to divorce and i’m so stuck. I’ve been seperated for a year, and even dated someone briefly in that time frame. Yet now on the brink of divorce, first set of doc’s filed I am feeling very uneasy and unsure. I’ve gone to counseling, spoken to close friends and family. Nothing helps, I flip flop each day. My husband has a really good heart, yet has a ton of issues. He has cheated (says only texts;inappropriate), lies, blows up when angry and has extreme anger issues. We have even gone to psych and he’s taken meds, yet I believe it’s an issue that would take years of intensive counseling. So, all negatives? yes, here are the positives, he does truly care, even our marriage counselor said so. he has continued to pay all of our bills, because i haven’t been able to find ft work. He’s still thoughtful and caring at times. He wants me to work on the marriage says it’ll give him the strength to change his bad ways. I said no, you had a yr to do so instead he got into a very involved relationship with someone for 10 months after I kicked him out. yes, my needs are not being met, there is no trust, or respect left.I have strong financial concerns, and honestly I do love him and have grown to care about him. Yet the clarity I am seeking doesnt’ seem to be coming fully. I have alot of other stressors in my life right now, too long to list. yet all very big. ahhh so here i am still in limbo, and so wanted to start the new year off the right way, decision made either way. signed Confused 🙂

  • Melanie

    I’ve been married three years; it’s a second marriage for both of us. I want to leave my husband because I feel as though I am dying in this marriage. He is, I think, either a narcissist or a psychopath. He is disrespectful, doesn’t listen well, has cheated on me numerous times with both women AND men (and lied about it until he was caught), has given me a lifelong STD, and when he’s angry and frustrated, he yells and screams and throws things and scares me out of my wits. I have grown to despise him. He is a jerk.

    I was married to my first husband for 18 years; he was really a lovely man, and never once in our marriage did he ever curse me or call me the vile names my husband calls me. He never threatened me physically or threw things or terrorized me. In fact, the two of us maintain and very amicable relationship for the sake of our two children. He left the marriage when he his his 40s and I think he went through a terrible “midlife crisis.” We did go to to counseling for some time, but I think he expected to find the “grass greener” after he left me. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way.

    This second husband told me once that his first wife left him after 14 years because she felt that living with him had caused all of her dreams to die. Well, now I understand why she said that! I feel the same way! I’ve put on 80 pounds and I am depressed. My husband never buys me any gifts, gives me any cards, and we haven’t had sex in about 4 years (because I refused to have sex with him after he gave me the STD!!)

    I don’t trust him. He has problems telling the truth. I don’t even like him anymore.

    Silly, stupid me. When I first met him ten years ago, I knew absolutely nothing about psychopaths, about emotional abuse, about domestic abuse, or about narcissism. I was so quick to buy his sob stories, and to forgive him. I have such a soft and loving heart. He really took advantage of that. Well, once I became educated about personality disorders and domestic abuse, I began to see major red flags in him. I am terrified of him when he gets mad.

    I feel suicidal, and I am so depressed. I have lost every bit of my self-esteem. He is critical and offers no support whatsoever. No wonder his first wife felt as though she were dying. I feel that way now myself.

    My problem is this: my self-esteem has become so low that I don’t think anyone else could possibly want me. Plus, his giving me this lifelong STD makes me feel terrible, just awful, even though it wasn’t my fault. But who wants to be in a relationship with someone with an STD? I am mortified. I hate him for having sex with men and women. I just hate him for that. What a liar and a cheat. Disgusting.

    I am not young any longer. I wonder if I even have the strength to leave. I cried most of the day today. All of my life I wanted a good man in my life. A kind man. A loving man. A respectful man. How in heaven’s name–and WHY–did I allow this man in my life. I know why…..because I’d grown in such a terribly abusive home with such a crazy, raging, alcoholic psychopathic father that I honestly had no clue what a good man even looked like. Well, that’s not entirely true. My first husband was a very, very good man. A very good one.

    Alas……I have grown tired, fat, and depressed. I’m not the woman I was 10 years ago when I met my husband. It’s as if he stuck his proboscis in me and sucked all of the life out of me. So strange.

    Thanks for listening. I know there are no quick or easy solutions, but writing this has been cathartic.

  • MonicaR

    my husband and i have been married about a year and we have a baby together. We do not like the same things. he hids his phone from me and i have founddateing websits on his phone. he acts as if its not a big deal. also we do not agree on money or on how to rise our child.when i talk about moving out he becomes so mean to me, calling me names and he has hit me a few times. then the next day he says he is sorry and it will never happen again, but we all now thats not true. I want to leave but i am so far in debit that i can’t evenmake my car or apt payments with out his income. I am just at a loss. he keeps saying he loves me, but really i am over it. I am at that point where i just want to leave. wht should i do?

  • Preet

    Hi everyone
    I need help to make a decision about my marriage, Its being 4 years of being married. My husband works for 6 days, earlier he used to work for 7 days and during nights, I didn’t work during my first year of marriage, but then I thought if start work then might we have sometime to spend together. So now I am working for 5 days and earning good, but he still haven’t change his timing, he just came home at 12am sits in living room and comes in bedroom at 4:00am and I wake up at 7:00am and get ready for work. He left home at 5:00pm. We hardly met, or talk. He does nothing, even I cut grass, cook food, washing dishes cloths etc. Pay bill, make budgets everything. And he doesn’t have enough money too as he works. I talked to him so many time, he said he Trying to change and it’s being 4 years no change at all. We doesn’t have good physical relation even. Earlier it was once a month we use to have sex, but now more than 4 months. When I ask for separation he said he cant live without me. But there is nothing like husband and wife between us. It’s a kind of punishment I dont know what to do.

  • AllyB

    My dilemna is slightly different to others. My husband is mentally ill no longer works and is under the care of medical professionals. He has alienated all his friends and been asked to leave clubs he was previously involved in due to his angry behaviour.Our marriage has deteriorated to the point of no return. One of the many things he has been diagnosed with is a jealousy syndrome. I have to explain my every move, he is abusive and just not nice to be around. Basically I “walk on eggshells” every day. I have attempted to have my husband put into care however the mental health legislation here is not helpful. We have adult children who are little assistance, they want to sweep it all under the rug although that said my husband is becoming somewhat dependant on our son. If I leave it means he will be a burden on one of the kids, most likely my son and I do not want that to happen.
    I have spoken to his doctors and to councellors on my own behalf and still I have no answer.Going to work is my only respite. We all start off with such hope in our lives never dreaming it will end up like this. If I could find a way to get out of this mess I would jump at it. I made the mistake of not going years ago when he first became ill. Unfortunately I held onto the hope he would get better….he never did.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Sharayah,

    You said something that is so true: your husband isn’t going to change. If you stay with him, then you need to accept that he will continue to lie to you.

    I can’t tell you if you should leave your husband — nobody can do that. I know that divorce is so hard on the kids, but so is living in a home with a mom and dad who aren’t happy or healthy. I don’t know what’s better for you and your children in the long run.

    What are your options? Tell me 3 things that you would love to see happen in your life and marriage, and 3 things that are more likely to happen.

  • Sharayah

    Hello my husband and I have been been together 3 years and married for one . He has cheated on me ( says they only kissed) and he lies to me constantly . He does have a alcohol and pill problem. He dosent drink every day but if he drinks once he will sneak it for a week or so .

    We have 3 children and one on the way. He lost his job and I’m the only one working . We have a lot of added stress . He is an amazeing father and he does everything for me but the LIES are breaking me . I feel that he’s never going to change .

    What should I consider doing?? Please help

  • Laurie Post author

    Sometimes the question isn’t “should I leave my husband” — because we know we should. It’s “HOW do I leave my husband” — because leaving rips us apart emotionally, spiritually, and even physically.

    It’s a terrible situation to be in, and my heart goes out to you. I can’t tell you how to leave, but I encourage you to be open, honest, and get as much support as you can from the resources available.

  • LadyK

    I was married to my soon-to-be ex-husband for 11 years before walking out on him. We have a 6yo son together. He started physically and verbally abusing me in our second year of marriage. By our third year he was strangling me until I was unconscious, and had threatenend to kill me. One night the fighting had really escalated, and the police came. He was charged with 2 felonies, which were later dropped to misdemeanors after we got a lawyer. I was 6 wks pregnant at the time, but would lose the baby within a week of his arrest. An emotional mess, I stayed with him… only to become pregnant again shortly thereafter. After my son was born, the physical violence almost entirely stopped, but the verbal and emotional was always there. I stayed for more 6 years. When I left he started following me, cyber-stalking me, verbally harassing me, destroying my property, punching holes in wall, etc. I had to have him removed from our home on an an ex parte basis and was recommended to obtain a DVRO. Ladies… if you are in an abusive situation please don’t wait like I did. The reason they call it a cycle of violence, is because it doesn’t stop. There are so many resources out there to help you. In my hour of need the YWCA was a tremendous help.

  • Gordita

    I’m 24 yrs and my husband is 27. This december would have been 5 yrs that we have been married. However we have been together for 6 1/2 yrs. We have a daughter of almost 3 yrs old. He has a problem that he is not very expressive with me. It’s very rare that he may say that he loves me or that i look nice when i bend over backwards to try to please him and look good for him. I know that I have my issues like a may be messy at times, or that I may be forgetful. But I really do consider myself a very good person, and a good wife. I have been there for him through so much. He has done so much to me. About 3 yrs I found out that he got a bj by some prostitue, and we talked about it and got through it and made things work. (however that moment hurt me so much, it crashed me inside) I made the most of it, i do still love him, but i keep finding messages that he is talking to other women on facebook. I HATE FACEBOOK, women know that that’s you man and still go on. It’s also his falut because I have told him that i don’t like that he is talking to other women, in a way he doesn;t even talk to me. About 3 weeks ago I found some messages and he said that it didnt mean anything to him and that he was sorry. The over some stupid fight we had recently he tells me, “I don’t want anything else to do with you.” By the way I’m currently in college and i have just a part time. I feel like i need to leave but I don’t know if i should. Also when we fight there is verbal abuse. I always thought i would be that women that wouldn’t have to go through a divorce….. uhhh

  • Shanda B

    Last year, I found out that my commonlaw husband had been posting on dating sites, trying to find a hook-up with another woman, because he was not “turned on” by my post pregnancy body.

    Since I found that out, I’ve lost over 30 pounds (almost back to my pre-pregnancy size), but trust is still a major issue, especially since we don’t have an intimate relationship anymore (I found out last March, and we’ve made love maybe ten times since), and I am constantly finding images of naked women on our shared computer. I feel betrayed everytime I find pictures or videos, and I know most of it is just that, but some of them have links back to video chat websites, so I can’t help but think that he’s visiting them and getting off with real live girls via webcam.

    I’m at a complete loss as to what to do…I love him, and we have a two year old son together, and it would kill both of them to lose each other. But on the other hand, I’m sick and tired of feeling like I come in tenth in a race with only five contestants.

  • Robin

    Hi everyone…Im at a loss as to what to do…my husband told me 5 years ago that he no longer loved me or wanted to be married to me. I dont know why I have stayed?? For the kids, for appearances maybe. My husband had been unemployed for a number of years, and he stayed to get back on his feet. He is working now and is still trying to get financially stable. In hind-sight, I should have left him 5 years ago, but I was afraid to be honest.

    He does blame me alot for so many things. I did have an affair 13 years ago. Since then I am not the same person. I have not been dishonest at all, we had another child and moved on. I understand he doesnt trust me anymore.

    I am a hard working woman. I have a great job, house in my name and 3 great kids that I do everything for. I pay the bills, make all the appts, take car of the house, etc….my husband does very little and is very selfish.

    I feel obligated to this marriage and to keep it together for my kids, but hate that there is no love or affection (not even a kiss in 5 years). I have not been perfect in the past but dont feel I need to punish myself forever and deserve happiness.

    Need advice….please.

  • Katie

    ive been contemplating divorce now for about 2-3 months. ive been debating leaving for 3 years on and off. lets start at august 2010, i was a soon to be senior in high school and i lived at home and worked at walmart. we met while i was working one night or should i say reconnected beings we liked each other when i was 13 and he was 16. now i was 17 and he was 21 and we obviously ended up dating this time and the first 3 months were great. i was a senior in high school and had a man who loved me and i loved him. my dad hated him obviously i mean i wouldn’t let my daughter date a 21 year old dropout who had no job, living with his mom and was a stoner. well his smoking and drinking all the time already was becoming a problem but I held on and fought for who I loved. fast forward to November 28th 2010. I was hospitalized for blood clots and thought I was going to die (note this whole time he didn’t trust me) he actually accused me of cheating when I was in the hospital!! now I know a lot of this his mom put in his head but after that we tried working on our problems I rested and quit smoking and got taken off my birth control. well idk how I stayed with him thru December ….it took all of me not to brake up with him. January of 2011 we find out im pregnant surprise surprise. so to recap my parents hated his guts cause he was emotionally abusive he forced me to have sex a lot when I didn’t want to and he got me pregnant. so im 18 on blood thinners working at walmart and now pregnant. but I kept my head up abortion was never an option for me even tho my dad didn’t want me having this baby. well we tried and we tried hard he quit drinking so much, still smoked pot sort of had a job and moved out of his moms back to his old apartment and I moved with him 3 months pregnant. the fighting about money and jobs and his friends and weed never stopped to this day. come June of 2011 I graduated and got my cosmetology license and he got a steady 40 hour a week mechanic job which is what he loved. things were great! we were once again back in love having a beautiful baby boy. he ended up confessing that he lied about a lot to me. I forgave him and moved on. due to money problems we moved back to my moms for a brief period. we blew money a lot and we were just waiting for our baby boy to come and during this he came home from work one night with a ring and asked me to marry him of course I said yes I loved him and wanted to make this work for all of us. we moved out when my son was 1 month old into a one bedroom apartment it was great till the stress of the baby and me doing this pretty much alone got to me I got very depressed and didn’t get help for few months so the whole pregnancy I was obviously cranky and now I was bitchy and lazy so im no saint but his friends started coming back around and I don’t want pot around my son so id say no he’d do it anyway or behind my back…we were constantly fighting about everything and we decided to move to a bigger place and push to get married cause I thought things would be better…I realized our 3rd week in our new place we screwed up and we shoulda went our seperate ways a while ago. since September its been fighting about money pot and who takes more care of house and baby. and beings I quit my job cause we moved farther away I got that thrown in my face to this day however I still pull im something from my per diem job. its always about I don’t appreciate how hard he works or I ask to much of him. he don’t see how the wash is always done the baby’s taken care of and dishes done suppers made. he really doesn’t wanna have sex anymore either and that was a huge thing to us because we loved making love together. so here I am 19 almost 20 and he’s 23 and I feel this was a huge mistake and I should leave and start over with me and my son. problems are I do love my husband, I try to anyway and he basically provides for us and he threatened to take my son away. I really need help on this one.

  • Mandy

    I’ve only been married 3 years and this is my second marriage. I had a lot of instincts not to get married this second time around. I knew him when I was in my early 20’s and he was always a selfish, self centered person and still is. I guess he sweet talked me and I fell for it. I was vulnerable and saw him as an escape. He abuses me verbally and mentally. If I am upset about something, I am expected just to get over it. If I am crying over an issue (I have a daughter with a disability) from a previous marriage. Life is not easy. I am also studying. I am not working and depend on him for a roof over my head. He throws money up to me almost every day of the week and spies on what I buy. Yesterday he threw all my clothing on the floor and my books and told me to pack them away neatly. I am planning to leave him. Just I don’t know when. I think this marriage is killing me. He picks at everything about me even my eyebrows.

  • Shinita

    I been married for 14 months we have 1 child together. 3 months after we got married he stay away for a weekend saying he needed space and time to think, then in dec 2011 he left me againg right before christmas and new years and started dating another woman. that ended 2or3 weeks later.

    we got back together he left me againg at the end of april and came back in june. and once againg we tryed to work on ous but he doesnt want to work he wants to play in the streets with his friends.

    I tryed I truly love him but he doesnt want to change like he claims he want to.This time i left him because i thought when you get married its about helping your family not just your self. he’s not the man i feel in love with but i know this is over just scared to really divorce my hubby! but i know he;s not going to change

  • Liz Boucher

    We met in high school, but we lived in different towns. We spoke on the phone for a year, not knowing what the other one looked like or anything, It was a good getting to know period. When we did meet face to face, we were inseparable, always together. His parents didn’t like that, in fact they would often suggest we break up. I make them very uncomfortable because I am from the wrong side of the tracks and often say what’s on my mind freely. During our dating period, I found out that he did have some issues that affected him mentally, and I was there for him, for everything, for every episode, fight, time locked up, even when he would randomly break up with me I would be there to take him back. His “love of his life” ex, came into the picture and claimed she had his baby and I waited patiently while he figure out it wasn’t actually his… I still, let him come back… though the years we have had it rough, I got pregnant and like an idiot, I got an abortion because its what his parents thought was right… I was so stupid and I die inside when I think about it. I hate myself for it. Now I do anything to keep from getting pregnant with him because I don’t want to be reminded. Even after, he slept with a ton of girls in town, even people I thought were, my friends, it still hurts to this day, but when he proposed on Christmas eve in 05, I said yes… He moved to Texas in 2006 to start us a new life. His brother was out there in the military, so it was easy to do. I went to visit him often. I found out he had been seeing a few girls out there as well and I took him back even when his brother told me I could do better… I wanted the man I committed to!!! Now, I’m not innocent, I was a raving b#$@! because I knew he cheated, I turned into the A typical, snoopy c$#^ of a girl who was mad at everything. I even tried cheating on him once when I came back from my visit. It made me physically ill to do so… and I left half way though… So, the plan was, he moves in 06 and I move in 07, so a year later I pull up with my mother and a U-Haul…. He could not be more stand-off-ish… we discussed it for a while “ well, I just wasn’t sure when you should move out, we never talked about it” was his words…. I became working house wife, I worked and made out appt a home. Then we moved into a house and I made it more livable. Cooked, cleaned, took care of him. Keep in mind, his parents still didn’t like me. They even told him not to bother coming to visit, if he was bringing me. … I got over it… I swear, I became like a stepford wife without the money… I became OCD, to keep him, to make people like me and thing that I am good enough…

    By chance, one day, I was looking on Craigslist for furniture and emailed someone about a table. Well, he sold the table, but we continued talking about pretty much everything… He was such a nice person and nice to talk to .. he was married as well, so it was ok, so I thought. We talked and talked for many days and decided to hang out. He was not attractive to me, at first. About an inch shorter than me, starting to bald, big nose and pot belly, lol military, but lazy hahah.. Our friendship over the months grew to something more and we ended up seeing each other on a physical level… Suddenly he was gone, deployed… and I feel like im missing something…

    So, I decided to be Mrs. nice housewife again. I did try leaving at one point, I moved out when his work kept him gone for long periods of time.. He promised he would change and set things right, so I moved back in and we continued to be a couple. We went and got a common law marriage certificate because I needed heath benefits and it was exciting.. We still fought constantly and I was miserable.. though out the next year, I stayed inside and didn’t do much.. we moved again, into his brothers house, we have the same bank account, I pay all the bills because he sux at budgeting and we share a car, in his name. I have no one in Texas, my family is all back home and I have very few friends.

    About a year and a half since my lover “no names” has left and I think of him often, I call him stewie Pjs because he always had family guy pj pants… I was thinking about trying to contact him, I missed him… That night, seriously that night, I was out at the bar with the one friend I do have and I went out for some air, I hate the bars here… and he was right in front of me, just standing there and it was like tunnel vision, like no one else was there but me and him.. We exchanges small talk and emails… like it was supposed to be we got right back into sync… he made me feel things I never thought I could, my heart soared every time he looked at me or touched me… he made me feel like I was the most important thing on earth for the next 4 months… I didn’t know I could feel this way about another person. He was being moved by the military to another state and I was heartbroken… but he was also married to someone else and he loves her, not me. We spoke about it briefly and to be honest, I turned into the other woman, the kind of girl I resented and hated for taking my man… the man that I didn’t even really love… I couldn’t do that to someone else, and there is no way I would ruin his life…. so I didn’t press forward…

    The man I thought I wanted is the one I am with, the man I truly love with all my heart and soul, is the one I let go…. Even now, we email back and forth and it kills me every time, I miss his touch and his jokes and the funny things he would do… I am still with my husband and at this time I know he is on dating sights and even has a thing for his co worker…. I have realized now, that I was a stupid, foolish girl for listening to other people and sticking around and holding on to something that wasn’t really there… and I have missed out o a lot in life because of it, but, if it weren’t for me holding on, I would have never know what if felt like to love.. I am currently trying to find a way to cut my losses and end this marriage without ending up on the streets.. my family back home has all moved on and cannot take me in, my mother especially due to medical reasons has moved… I know I will most likely get some bad comments about this post, but I don’t care, I just wanted to share my story…

  • mari

    MY husband and I have been married 25 years. we were married in april /87 his mothers birthday is in May. He works out of town but puts in for vacation time. He put in for his mothers birthday and left me holding the bag for the anniversary. He sides with his family even if they are liars. My children from my first marriage want nothing to do with his mother she has cause so much trouble. She has stuck her nose in our marriage to the point of no return. I tried counciling but when he got in the room the first thing he told the counilor how great his mother is. He is never wrong it is always someone elses fault.. I really think I should just cut my losses and move out I really think that we are at the point of no return how can I get out of this mess with my sanity …………

  • Dee

    I’m getting married in December. This should be a happy time for me, but it’s not. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. I got pregnant very early on in the relationship, and now we have a 6 year old and a 3 year old. He cheated on me when my son was baby, and we separated shortly, but ended up getting back together (we still lived together the entire time). He has a good paying job that requires him to work out of town most of the time. The problem is, whenever he is around me he if anxious and unhappy. He freaks out over anything I say to him if I try to discuss the house or finances. I am currently in school and 2 years away from earning my degree. He makes me feel terribly guilty about doing school work when he is home, and tells me I am selfish for going back to school and trapping him in his current job. He lies to me about where he is and what he is doing all of the time. He tells me he is stuck in traffic, or had to work late, and later I find out he was out drinking with his buddies. I have no idea where he is or what he is doing most of the time, and I would not be surprised to find out he was cheating on me.
    I can’t say I am innocent in all of this either. He tells me he lies to me about where he is because I am a control freak. It’s true that I get mad when he goes out so much because I feel like he never spends time with me or the kids.
    He has emotionally checked out of this relationship. He still wants to have sex, and gets mad if I don’t. But otherwise, our relationship is all but dead. My children love him so much, and I am completely depend on his income. Now we have a wedding planned in December, and I am going to marry a man that I don’t love. Why? Our children, our mortgage, our car notes, our dogs, our families. I feel like our lives are too intertwined to unravel, so I continue to stay in a loveless relationship.

  • misstry

    I’ve been married a little over 10 years. We have three beautiful children and I just am not in love with him any more. It’s happened over several years though but I feel like I am finally at the point to split up. I let him know how I am feeling and he is working on the issues. It has been two months since I told him and still don’t feel anything there any more. I am so confused because I do not want my kids to suffer but at the same time I want to be happy.

  • Barbara

    I have been married nearly 30 years. I do not want to be on my own as my husband just is not there for me when I am unhappy, upset, sick, or hurt. He refuses to discuss any finances (I handle all). He gets angry when I tell him that I feel so alone and that he does not care for me. He will not talk about any issues and says that he has heard it all before.

    He gets upset if I dont want to dine at a fast food restaurant…I watch my weight. I broke my ankle and he does not want to drive me to work. He is always saying it is just a little break and he would drive if it were him. He no longer wants to take care of our home or cars.

    Should we end our marriage….he makes me to crazy. I hate when he is home.

  • rose

    I’m 32 and pregnant. My husband has been out of work for almost a year now. He was fired for something he did, which was totally avoidable and his own fault, and didn’t qualify for unemployment. We’ve been living on my part-time retail income for the past 10 months, while he puts out little effort to get another job.

    I’m frustrated and don’t know how much longer I can put up with our situation. I think he’s being selfish, when he should be thinking more about our unborn daughter, the example he’s setting for her, and our future together.

    I’m not even considering divorce right now. I do worry we’ll end up separated soon though. If our financial situation worsens and we get evicted, I can go to my parents’ house. My father, however, will not let my husband move in if he’s still unemployed. At that point, I have some major decisions to try and make.

  • Dee

    My husband tells me to pack my bags and leave and go find someone else. He’s constantly bringing up my past relationships in front of my children. He tells them that I slept with another man among other things that are horribly embarrassing to publicize. The latest was calling his mother to tattle on me in front of my children (he is 54 years old). My children disrespect me just about as much as he does. I have been hanging on to this for 15 years and have completely lost all sense of my identity and the things I like to do and what makes me-me. I’ve tried to divorce him twice and each time he has vowed to change, but there’s never a change.

  • Amber

    So..I am 22..I married my husband when I was 18. He has 2 children who I love dearly!! Well he doesn’t trust me..I have no privacy..if I am not stuck up his butt he thinks I’m screwing around..I’m to the point I don’t want him to touch me or call me or even talk to me. I want to leave but I don’t know how…Someone Help Me!!

  • Bridgette Burns

    My Husband has emotionally abused me for almost 14 years and four kids later. I am done with it. I hope you all stay strong and go for what is best. I wish I knew it was over on year two or three. But, love my kids despite it.

  • Shena

    Recently we got into an argument about money, and I got another loan to consolidate my debt. I payed of most of my bills but also used the money for things in the house. He found out the other day I got the loan. I haven’t used a dime of his paycheck for the monthly payments. I decided to get that loan so I should take full responsibility of it. Now he wants control of all the money, and that’s because I re-financed my house and got $1400 + my income tax is over $2,000. If our money is together then I can’t pay off certain bills. Even though the majority of my check goes to pay more money on my bills, It still feels good to know that my bills are going down. Including the $7,000 loan bill (the one I got for $2,000 will be paid off this month yay!). I hate borrowing money, but when you have a husband that won’t give you a dime and your fighting all the time. What can you do? When he’s out of gas, I will give him cold heart cash to take care of it. If I need some…please…it’s like an interrogation test or something and he has to think about it. I hate being controlled or feeling like it!

  • Shena

    My husband and I married in 2010. Even though we had some “bumps” when we were dating, I thought we would be ok. I told him while we were dating that I bought a home when I was 24 (in California)and want to move there once I get out of the Army. He agreed. Now, everyday it is a problem with moving back to California. Even though in the past, I did not take too much from men, I took so much off of hi. I bent over backwards for him. If he wanted dinner, I would cook even after working 12 hours, I would clean our house while he would go to the neighbors and play video games, I even put our money together before we got married (not in the same accounts though). Of course, when we met, I did have some debt and liked to spend money, but as time went on, I improved. I would use lots of coupons, started a savings account, and cut down my spa activities. This was still a problem! Groceries to him are blowing money, paying bills are considered blowing money. When we moved back to the states, the problems did not get any better. We needed some more cash to move into our apartment. He had an emergency fund credit card and he did not want to use that money to move in, so he closed his account. I talked about getting a loan in my name to make up for the money we didn’t have and he told me know. We were really desperate for money so I went and got the money. I was loaned almost $2,000. That raised hell of course! He also told me he will control all of our money and he does not care if I lost my house in California or if there was no food to eat in the house. Even now, I am still suppose to cook, clean, do laundry, and walk the dogs even though I work 12 hours a day. Every weekend when I would ask him help me clean, it would be a cussing match. When we lived in Europe, I would come home from work and their would be dog feces and urine in the middle of the floor while he was on the Playstation!
    He left a few months ago to stay with his mom, because while he was transtitioning out of the Army, we wouldn’t’ attend the job fairs or even create a resume. Then I told him that he can just go to school. Well, he never applied for his GI Bill benefits and he was already out of the Army and low on money. Then it finally came out…he is going to stay home and I’m going to take care of him! Really? We argued about this for a minute. Then he went in “pity-party” mode about I look down on him or think I’m better than him. Then he started talking about putting the money together. I had a feeling things would get bad, so the account that we had together I closed. We’ll he tried to draw out of the account when he was trying to go to his mother’s! Then that started another argument. He owed the state taxes and 2 months late on the cable bill. He used all of this money to drive 9.5 hours to his mom’s. I payed all the bills so I wouldn’t get a late notice or anything. I had .44 cents to my name. No money for food or gas! It was devastating. And his mother had the nerve to tell me that’s what being married is about and that I’m mistreating her son. Basically, I have to sacrifice and understand he doesn’t have a job and I’m am bringing him down by not wanting him to attend college. I have always told my husband that I want him to be better than me! But, he is the one telling me that he doesn’t want me to get my Bachelor’s because I will leave him. He wants me to have a whole bunch of kids and stay home. I told him recently that I will have all of my personal debt payed off by next year and I want to take a year off when I get out of the Army. That was a no! He was like we need to talk about this more. Really? Your home now collecting unemployment and just started college.
    I just have felt so miserable. We fight all the time. 12 hour long work days then hell everyday, including the weekends.

    And he won’t go to counseling…I just don’t know what to do anymore!

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Dana,

    Whether or not you should leave your husband depends on so many things, and nobody can tell you what the right decision is.

    Here are a few things to think about:

    How Many Times Should You Forgive Your Husband?

    Also, have you read the book about Contemplating Divorce? That, along with a session or two with a counselor, will be really helpful. You need to talk or think your marriage through, and not make a hasty decision.

    I hope this helps a little, and encourage you to keep writing about your feelings and marriage.


  • Nicole

    I have been married for 5 years but we have lived together for 10.
    We both work full time and have 3 kids.
    We have no communication.
    I tell him we need to work on ‘Us’ time but he is not interested. He would rather go help his mates with their cars. Everytime I try to talk to him he cuts me off and says, I don’t see it that way.
    I’ve put on a bit of weight since having the twins. I’m not huge but I am heavy. I still go walking, ride my bike, work in a job where I manually move up to 20 pallets a day. So I’m fit but fat. He doesn’t seem the least bit interested in me.
    If he wants sex, he doesn’t give me any reason to want to have it with him. I had post natal depression and he didn’t notice. His family are always abusing me and telling me I’m no good for there precious boy.
    We are broke, due to still paying the mortgage from a failed business that he wanted.
    He is nasty to me but then says he wasn’t, and I took it the wrong way.
    He never defends me.
    Gets cranky if I have to go to work on the weekends cause then he has to look after the kids. Who are now twin 8year olds and a 14year old. Pretty much look after themselves.
    I give up, he makes me feel worthless. Nothing I do is good enough.
    He is so use to being told he is wonderful by his family that he see’s no fault.
    And if by some miracle he does see it, it turns out to be my fault somehow.
    I just wanna cry.
    I do love him, but gee do I hate him.

  • Dana

    Hi. I’m going a little crazy here. I’v been thinking of getting a divorce for the past six months. We got married July 10, 2011. We lived together for two years before. He didn’t tell me about a lot of debt that he was in. I was very upset but I forgave him and gave him a chance. Ever since there has been financial problems after another. I get pretty stressed about it and voice things. I also don’t get along with his family over a lot of things they have said and done. It would take a very long time to name everything but every time I ask him to do something about it he fights me and tells me my reasoning is stupid. There has recently been another financial situation and I have said I want out and we are thinking about whether a divorce is the right thing. Deep down I still wonder though. After reading this I hope to get some good advice. Thank you.

  • Kath

    I’ve been married for 2 years. The man I married was my highschool sweetheart of 14 years. I thought we were both ready for the big step but it wasn’t so. After marriage, we became distant. I worked my own business and so did he. Our communication was at an all time low and when I presented it as an issue he disregarded it and didn’t care to dwell on it. Over the past 2years, we grew apart and now I have moved out! We had our own house and I decided to leave. I strongly suspected infidelity and right or wrong all signs and behavior from his part indicated to that. It’s been officially one week since I moved out and I haven’t cried about it. I think it was the right decision to make. I am sleeping better at night, I don’t suffer headaches anymore and i’m not on edge all day. In my opinion, women can only get to this point if THEY make the decision. No one could have told me to leave no matter how mucch they showed me I deserved better.. I got to this point with my own realization of the situation and with the support of family and friends.
    Looking forward to a better relationship sometime in the future but I’m no rush..

  • Alli

    Love to you all. Stay strong girls, you all sound amazing. Sometimes leaving requires the most strength if staying is making you feel like less than you know you are. All the best and good luck for knowing when enough is ENOUGH. Think I might have reached that point.

  • marquita

    Hi…I have been with my husband for 3years and married 2years. In the beginning…it was like he was the best man that I had ever met…he was great with my twins and they loved him dearly!…he asked me to marry him 3 months into the relationship…and i said yes!…but after that it went down hill…hr started cheating…and when i caught him he put it all on me like i did something wrong…then he became financially irresponsible…but now on top of it all…he ia very selfish and mentally and verbally abusive…i am always questioning if i love him or not. I am not even sexually attracted anymore and i feel as if it is because of all that i am going through with him.. i dont know where to turn or what to do!…i am considering getting a apartment so that i can regain myself again!…HELP!

  • Shirley Jensen

    I have been married for 27 years! Since I lost my job, after working all of our married life, things have gone from bad to worse! I never knew the animosity that my husband would have, over me not working, It isn’t just the money, he has no respect for me, and have verbally abused me, to a point, that I have no self esteem. Years ago, I would of never let him treat me the way he does now? But then I ask myself, isn’t that how he has always treated me? He truly believe, that since I am not working, that I have no say an any matters. From financial, to the house, or even my son. My opinion, my feelings, mean nothing to him. It is like I have become his own private, verbal punching bag. He never apologizes for anything. No matter how bad it gets. I am scared. Scared to leave, and scared to stay. Scared of the unknown, and even more scared of how ugly he will get, when and if I do go. I am not a dumb person, I know, that if he can treat me the way he does now, while I am here, it will only get worse when and if I leave. The threats of making sure I have nothing, and that he will do everything in his power to make sure of it, are working. There are days, that everthing seems okay, and the minute, I start thinking that they are, he starts it all over again. He thinks it is his right. How did I marry, stay with, and have children with, this ugly mean person. What does that say about me? What do I do, for I know if this continues on, I will not be able to take it much longer, and I know something bad is going to happen! Please tell me, how, I let things get so bad. I wish, I could laugh again, feel good again, quit being so scared all the time. I know I am at the end, but I don’t know how to make the step, to finalize, what I already know, is gone.

  • lennie

    I have only been married a little over 4 years and I think I am done. Things were pretty good I suppose until he lost his job almost a year ago.

    He refuses to get a job or even look for work. He said he hates working and just won’t do it.

    We are about to lose our house as I have no been well. I work hard but have a few health problems. He is young, healthy and strong but lazy as can be.

    I really don’t think I have known anyone so lazy.

    When we bought this house and have been in it almost 3 years and he has cut the grass about 6 times. It looks terrible.

    He just sits around watching tv and playing video games.

    He isn’t depressed. He is just lazy and thinks i should work and he can sit home and loaf and i support him.

    I did give him an ultimatum a couple weeks ago and he actually applied for a couple jobs but hasn’t since.

    I guess he thinks i am joking about leaving but i am not.

    As soon as my health is a little better, i am out of here.

  • Jessica

    I have been with my husband for eight years, we have been married for two. We met in college, I was 21 he was 23. We smoked pot together then, and we still do, alot less, but still do. That has been our strongest connection. He moved back to the west coast after he graduated. I followed a year later to be with him, though I didn’t finish school. I was promised the world. I got a simple job at a check-cashing store.He had a great job with a fortune five company, but quit six months after I moved out here. He said he quit because his manager told him that I was too distracting to his workload. BS. While I was working for peanuts, he would skip work to stay home and watch porn. Within weeks after moving out here our sex life had pretty much come to a halt. Our sex life since then (7yrs.) has been very dissatisfying. At some point, our financial situation had become so bad that I began dancing(stripping). I was very successful. I went about my work with dignity and respect for myself. Naturally, in spite of holding my head high, it began to weigh on me. I told my husband (still my boyfriend at the time) that I didn’t want to dance anymore. I gave him every dime I had ever made. My work had been paying all of the bills (rent, his car-note[i still have no car], his golf, remote control helicopters, and many endeavors). I had also been paying for his self-education in the stock market. He is extremely intelligent, and is very successful with building the retirement account. He was always calling me a slut, hoe, whore. When I would ask (beg) for sex, he would tell me to go get-off at the club. Seriously. Two years ago, six years into the relationship, he proposed marriage to me with a beautiful ring. I accepted. We eloped in Vegas (No family because he met my family once, and hates them, and I have never met ANY of his friends or family).I would tell him constantly that I was done dancing. I would beg him to start trading for our income and take over the finances. He would ask me for six more weeks, three more months, six more months, another year. “If you don’t” he would always say, “then we won’t be able to buy a house, get you a car, your own computer, etc.” I have no idea why I thought I needed his approval to quit. So in March last year, I just quit. It was so liberating. I started to feel like a real woman again. Two weeks after I quit, he stopped trading. For four months we had no income, living off our savings. He asked me to dance again “just for six weeks”. Eight months later… During those eight months he thought that I was hiding money from him, and would threaten me that I would regret it if I kept “being shady” (Ladies: I was definitely hiding money at this point). This past March, eight months after starting again, I ended my dancing career by punching a customer in the face for touching me inappropriately. I was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon. My husband would not bail me out of jail. He would not pay for my lawyer. He also had not been paying the rent (though I gave him all of the rent money); I tried to leave him then. He promised to start working and paying for everything. Another lie. He started to work for a brokerage, quit after two weeks because he didn’t like one of the guys that worked there. Seriously. He still promises me the world. Though, I still have not met ANY of his friends or family in his life before me. He still will not even eat dinner with my parents when they fly into town and pay for everything. I have been trying to go to training for yoga, so that I can teach. I have been promised twice a year that he will take the money out of the account to pay for it, for the past three years. For our first anniversary he handed me a note that said “I want a divorce” and he signed it (like I didn’t know who it was from). I should have made him go through with it then. Now, I understand that I have made alot of stupid choices. I realize that the marijuana makes me complacent. I know that I could have left this situation before. ALL of the accounts are in his name. And, he is the only one who really has the ability to provide a stable future (even if I wanted to I couldn’t have danced forever and I have not been allowed to develop other skills, though I tried). He will likely have a great life ahead of him. He will make more than enough money, and I will likely never recuperate even a portion of what I put into this life we’ve had together. I am done. I am over all of it. I am taking my next paycheck, and adding that to my little (very little) nest egg. I will then pack one suitcase, my family pictures, and my dogs into a rental car and drive 2500 miles back to my family. I will grieve, then heal, and live a happy and beautiful life. Even if alone, and poor.
    At this junction in my life, I take a lot of joy from a joke I heard from an old man: A couple stands before the judge, and the judged asked the woman, “why do you want a divorce after 57 years?”
    she replied, “well, enough is ENOUGH.”

  • Michelle

    Married at 19 and blissfully in love. 37 years and 3 children later I know I am still the center of his universe……… but his life revolves around food and TV. I still feel young and love life. I am not prepared to put my feet up and wait till its time to die. Am I wrong to think I should make a new life without him.

  • jane

    I have been married with my husband for a little over a year. But we’ve been together a total of 9 years. I’m 24 years old. We have a son together, he’s 5 months. And to get to the point, I am not happy anymore. Somedays are eh, ok. Sometime, he annoys me and vise versa. My husband, he’s selfish and self centered. He’s unfair. We don’t communicate, we never have…it probably died 5-6 years ago. We don’t do anything anymore, that prob died, 5 years ago too. I don’t even know why we married each other. I know I didn’t. But he sees his life with me forever. But as selfish as he is, he doesn’t know how I’m feeling deep inside. He is unfair and wants to be treated as King. Though, he plays video games all day. But that’s not the main issue. He’s controlling. He doesn’t want me to spend time with my girlfriends. He doesnt like them. He doesn’t spend enough time with myself and our son. The only time he spend time with our son is when I’m at work for 5 hrs. I’ve cut hours to become part time so i can be with my son and help him out since he works the night shift. I get nothing in return. I’m tired. I’m sleep deprived. I tell him all the time. He’ll listen for a week. He make promises with me, and will make me promise him back. Like, not going out with friends. He’ll try to make plans with us like, going to the mall. And we do, but its so boring. I feel no connection. I’m just over it. I try so hard, but I don’t want to anymore because I don’t want to argue. This family is only happy when he’s happy and when I pretend to make things ok. And It’s not because we have a child that makes us like this. It’s before we even got married. I thought marriage will change him. But he’s still the same. Before, he hates for me to go out bc of my friends and of jealousy. Now, he his reason is bc I’m a mother and mothers shouldnt go out. Well, that’s insane. I deserve a break. And I have a little, but he’s never happy with my decision. I put up with so many of his shit. So many of his time going out at night, getting drunk, going places in the day time AND I can’t even do any of it without an argument. He’s quiet down now only bc he doesn’t want me to revenge. I’m not having it, I’m not happy…so I want to leave. I want to leave with my son at peace without him making a scene. He can have everything. I don’t care, I don’t need him. I don’t want to be with anyone who makes me feel trap and sad all the time.

  • Laurie Post author


    I wrote this article for you:

    My Husband is a Drug Addict – How Do I Make Him Stop?

    I think you already know that you can’t stop your husband from doing drugs…but you can stop buying them for him! Why do you do that?

    Should you leave your husband? I don’t know, but maybe that’s the only way he’ll come to his senses. If you stay and support his habit, what reason does he have to quit?

    I hope the article helps, and welcome your thoughts.


  • Laurie

    Hi Melissa,

    I wrote this article for you….I can’t tell you if you should leave your husband, but I did offer a few things to think about…

    I’m not saying you’re expecting too much, or that your marriage isn’t normal. I have no idea! I just wrote the article with your comments in mind.

    I encourage you to think about what you want out of your marriage and husband. Do you want him to dish up his own food and get his own cigarettes. Then tell him. Sometimes husbands need to be directly asked, which is a pain to always have to do. And, they need to be “trained” — you need to lay down your boundaries (eg, “Honey, you are old enough to get your own food and wash your own dishes”) and stick to them.

    I hope this — and the article — helps a little!


  • Cyndi M.


    I have been married for almost 8 years. When me and my husband met I was 18 and he was 26. He had already been married and had a 4 yr old son. Then 3 yrs later we got married and in 2006 we had our son.

    I am not happy like I use to be. I have grown up and changed since then. I do everything around the house while he sits on his butt and does nothing. I have to take him his food, pick up his clothes, throw away his trash, get him cigs (even though he is in town all day), and do everything else. He is always asking his kids to get him this or that for him. Yeah he mows the grass and cleans up outside but I do everything in the house. I don’t mind washing clothes, dishes, vaccuming, and dusting but I have a 5 yr old to pick up behind and every other weekend a 14 yr old to pick up behind if he don’t.

    His attitude has gotten worse. He wants to do sexually activity during the day while our 5 yr old is awake. I don’t think I can take it anymore. I feel more like a slave then anything. I am happier when he is not home. Anybody have any advice?

  • islandgirl

    I’m debating on leaving. My husband has not cheated however he is an addict. Current drug is adderall. I spend about $300 plus monthly yo keep him decent. I told him almost a year and s half ago to stop it was getting to much.he will stay up for days. Out house is piled high w trash, unfinished projects. Etc…. I tried taking trash out but he would not let me. He is verbally abusive, has pushed me more than once, threw object yesterday he locked me out of the house. I was hurt, but yet I felt peace. I know she has a diseasebut he has made no effort has only gotten worse. He has never worked should I leave or stay. I love him but I am unhappy, and he is not the same man I married

  • STephNie

    I got married at 18 had two children separated 3 times was hit twice and still with him and in all honesty I can’t stand him and he wants me to just pay attention to him I don’t even want to look at him I just wanna be alone

  • Jen

    Hello Everyone,

    It breaks my heart to read all of your letters and sometimes I was in tears. The Bible justifies divorce in the case of adultery, because the covenant is broken. The covenant is not only between a husband and a wife, but most importantly with God our Father. If a married couple does not place God in the center of the marriage, then it is doomed to fail. Selfishness takes over instead.

    In the Bible, God commands the husband to love their wife and wife to respect her husband. Men and women are made differently in that women are hard-wired to nuture and love. The love I am talking about is SACRIFICIAL not erotic. Men are hard-wired to protect and provide. They have a hard time with sacrificial love, because they are more concerned with self-preservation. You might hear a man say, “I want to die fighting in a war.” He is thinking of self-glorification rather than glorifying God. I am not saying all men are that way. Some men understand sacrificial love and therefore would give up their lives for their wives and children. An example would be the shooting that occurred during the Batman movie. Three men died shielding their girlfriends from the flying bullets from the shooter.

    When a man says he is sick and cannot control his urge to cheat, then he is weak and has no will power to overcome his destructive behavior. He is using the sickness as a pathetic excuse. It is possible he does not want to fight it, because he has trained himself to be hungry all the time for sex. Every time a man has sex, a chemical called Vasopressin is released in the brain. In women, a chemical called Oxytocin is released which is very powerful. Women tend to get hooked on to a guy quicker even if it is a bad guy because of its potency. Lot of women tend to stay with a guy even though he has been hurtful and destructive because they are unable to break the bond. Therefore, men have a difficult time breaking the bond with their bad habit and women have a difficult time breaking the bond with the man with a bad habit.

    Ladies, if you and your husbands truly want to save your marriages, then both of you need to commit to it 200%. I would avoid counseling with a shrink and look for marriage boot camps in your state. Google marriage boot camps. If he is unwilling to go to a marriage boot camp to fix his behavior, then drop him like a hot potato and fight that oxytocin out of your brain. You will not have peace if you do not act on this.

    I pray for emotional healing for all you ladies and healing for the husbands as well. I pray for the husbands to snap out of their habits and truly repent for their behavior. I pray they will commit to their marriage and never look at another woman in lust. I also pray for the wives who have decided to leave. Lord, give them the strength to carry on and heal their hearts and instill peace. Lord, protect them from any harm whether physical or emotional.

  • Marie

    I’m in the same boat as you, Wendy (and probably others). I met my husband while I was living abroad. He was very charming in the beginning and we had a lot of fun. We got married after only 4 months. He was 39 at the time and told me I was the one he had been waiting for (he was never married before and didn’t have kids) and I fell for his romantic nonsense. On the very day we got married I saw his email was left open and he had dozens of intimate exchanges with people he had met online. He gave out his real phone number and received sexual photos from people. He sent people pictures of his face (though not intimate). Then I saw that he had been texting his ex-girlfriends (in fact, I don’t know the story with them but he told me they were exes). I tried to leave him but he always persuaded me to stay and told me those were just old habits and he was going to stop. A couple of months later I was pregnant. We have a wonderful 1 year old whom I adore absolutely. He is so smart and cute and delightful. But my husband continues to be a jerk. He has moved to the US with me and he has decided that he hates my family and wants nothing to do with them. He creates a wedge, where I can’t even talk to them if he is around. He has become a baby and I walk on eggshells with him. The slightest thing can set him off and then he gives me the silent treatment for days. He says mean things and I just feel so unloved, even hated. I feel that it is interfering with my ability to work (I am the only breadwinner now) and parent. I try to remain calm and keep inner peace but he makes it very hard. I am close to my family and he wants them out of the picture which is extremely hard for me. He has already moved to another state without me and he is waiting for me to join him. I want to use this as an opportunity to separate but I feel so divided, because I would like my little boy to have a father in his life.

  • Nancy

    I will soon be married for 3 years, but feels like I have been living in hell for the entire time. I have one son with someone who doesn’t deserve the right to have children. I have made up my mind and will leave because I can no longer take the pain and hurt he causes me, which I feel he does intentionally. What hurts the most is to realize my mother was right. Lately, I have tried my hardest to indulge myself with positive thoughts and not let my emotions out to someone who doesn’t care. I have learned that by showing him I am hurting it makes him happy. Therefore, I fill myself with happiness first. This journey is not easy, but I feel confident I will succeed and soon be completely happy.

  • anewme


  • Karen

    Hello, I wanted to get advice on what other people think about my marriage and see what I need to do. Well first where do I even begin my marriage was never the greatest thing. I have been with my husband since I was 16 we had our first child when I was in the middle of my senior year a few days after I turned 18. We ended up getting married when I was 19 and I don’t think we would have if our parents hadn’t pressured us so much. Throughout the years it’s been a roller coaster of up and downs. He had an affair when I was pregnant with our second child( which he still has never admitted too but everybody saw them together and she in fact was caught at my house) I had filed for divorce and eventually I guess b/c I was pregnant and I still loved him very much we had decided to try and fix things and make our marriage work. Back in the early days we would split up so much and it seemed to upset him all along our children hurting also. Arguments became even physical at times and he even got arrested at some points of it. So fast forward to the present and within the last 2 years and 3 kids or so arguing had slowed down to the point of I thought finally we are doing really great! Our youngest has severe autism and he can’t speak or do much of anything on his own which makes it so hard to see him that way! Here in the last few weeks he has been off and on getting angry, calling me names and saying it wouldn’t hurt him to divorce b/c he doesn’t care about me anyway even saying he hates me at times! It’s awful b/c I thought after ALL these years we were finally going to make it and we finally loved each other and our kids didn’t need to worry anymore! I don’t have a clue if maybe he is cheating again and the sad thing is how would I find out? He works about an hour from where we live and he has his own phone plans and his own separate checking account which yes I do check to see what’s being spent it doesn’t look suspicious but yet it doesn’t always have to either! I need to know what to do I told him if he is that unhappy then please file for divorce I don’t want to be hurt again by being cheated on but I think he stays b/c of our kids especially with our youngest having autism as bad as he does! I don’t know what to do if it starts going back to this all the time I can’t take it either. I worked for years as a registered nurse but have been staying home to take care of the kids recently. I just wanted to see if I can get some advice as to what others think. Thank you!

  • wendy

    I just celebrated my first wedding anniversary. Our families & Friends believe we are living a happy life, little do they know its the total opposite. My husband has never been 100% faithful to me since the beginning of our relationship. I was blinded by love and chose to ignore the red flags. He has always been lovey dovey, makes me feel so special. He loves to show me affection when we’re alone or in public. So, how can I have a man who says he loves me to death and wants no other woman but me, be such a womanizer. When I discovered emails he had been writing to other women, I was heartbroken, devastated! he said he did not want to loose me and wanted to make our relationship work, that’s when we decided to get married ( what a bad idea ) He wanted to show me how much he loved me! Goodness, what a joke. Of course it’s my fault too because I should of been strong and left him then. I don’t trust him, I don’t think he will ever win my trust back. In the past months I checked his phone, just to find texts from two different women. You can imagine what kind of text they are. One woman works with him, the same building. I don’t know who the other woman is.
    I confronted him.I get the same response, I love you and only you, I don’t want to loose you!
    I pretended, and said we can try and work it out, but I don”t think thats happening. He has a problem, It just took me five years to except it.
    Why do men do this, why do they think it’s normal! I dislike him so much. LIAR CHEATER PSYCHO !!!!!!!

  • poopsey

    I’ve been married for 13 years. I once thought he was the love of my life. Since our marriage, I’ve been through major depression and have always felt that something was wrong with me, but the truth is that I have never been truly happy. I did fall in love with him, but I think I married him because I thought I should and that there would never be anything better. During our marriage, we have fought over all kinds of ridiculous topics. All of the arguments have nearly come to blows and one almost ended everything. I figured it was me, so over the past two years, I have been working on myself, mentally and spiritually, and I’ve found that since I’ve begun to be happier with and love myself, he and I have grown farther apart. The subjects of our arguments are avoided at all costs, by both of us, and even when we try to return to those issues, nothing is ever resolved. Also, we once shared a lot of things in common, but now, I’ve grown in ways he doesn’t understand, and now we don’t share as many of the same things in common or have the same goals. He likes to have me with him all the time, and I need more freedom to pursue my interests. He has no interest outside of our home. Because of these things, topics for conversation have dwindled to news and weather. That’s it, almost literally. On top of this, the sex is atrocious and he doesn’t show me much affection unless he really wants sex – and he gives me the silent treatment when I withhold it. So, given all of these things, I’ve decided to end it, and I don’t think I’m being selfish for it. This is who he is, and if I had known this when I married him, I wouldn’t have done it. I love him dearly, but this relationship is not the kind I want for myself. I know there is something better out there for me.

  • gennie

    I have been married for 6yrs an my husband has never trusted me from day one,I just don’t know what to do.He is always acussing me of cheating whenever i am spending time with children or my mother,he has often called me the five letter b word and he is a preacher,
    he is conctanly lyning about his where abouts.i have no childrens
    with my husband an my kids are all grown but as a mother when they ar going through things in life i will go and talk or spend some time with them he get mad at me an constanly calls every five minutes and i can’t keep going through this and he always applogies an saids he want do it again but he does as often as monthly and i am just tired.

  • soch

    Hi. When I met my husband I had come out of a long time relationship. He was attentive and sweet to me. He made me feel special. Then we moved in together after three months. I noticed that he would work long hours and would leave me alone. Then he wouldn’t help pay the bills or help with the cleaning of the house. We had a major fight because of different upbringing. I was thought that men are suppose to help around the house. Any way I left him. Then he begged me back. I went back. I found out I was pregnant and my son was a premature baby. He blamed me for that because I use to smoke pot before I met him. Ever since everything has been my fault. I left him a second time because he really mistreated me. Then his mom and family convince me to go back. The third time I left him we were constantly fighting and telling each other off. I am still separated. We were supposed to have gotten back together last January and February but I didn’t because he got a venereal disease. Then he wrote me a letter stating that he was thru waiting for me and he easy going to continue his life with himself and God. Later I found out that he has another woman. That really tore me apart. I spoke with his mom and she told me since he is a man that he has needs. He has been unfaithful since five months that we separated. We have been separated since lasts February of last year. I want my family back. I am very confused. I don’t know what to do because I realize I still love him and he tells me to wait because he is going to end the relationship with her but to give him time. I don’t know what to do? I am so depress and my son is five and he looks for dad. Last time I got into his phone and found text from her I erased them. He started going of on me and telling me that I ruined his day. That he already told her that not to be surprised if she got a call from me. I broke down and started sobbing. He called me names and made me feel unwanted. Then he started treating me wright. I don’t want this anymore. How do I end it. Please help me.

  • PAM

    Hi there, my name is Pam and I have been married for 13 years with 2 children. My question and most recent delema is: my husband sort of has a drinking problem, he wasn’t drinking that much maybe a few beers here and there but when he did drink he always seemed to get himself into trouble, so he did tell me he was going to give up but a few times he has made excuses to go out and obviously been drinking and ended up doing some stupid things like texting another woman inappropiate messages and most recently taking my 13 year old daughter to a community bonfire night only to dump her at friends to get drunk and into a fight only to name a few. Like always he apologized and admits he has a problem and wants to fix things, I did actually kick him out (has been only 3 days but we did seperate for about 5 months last year) because of one of his stupid antics. Everything was going great as I helped him get his drivers license back and also helped him buy a car and then he got himself a job, and then he starts drinking behind my back after work and that’s when the texting and bonfire thing happened. I don’t know if I was too harsh in kicking him out as he doesn’t do it too often as I try to be as supportive as I can and I do love him.

  • Dee

    I have been married for almost four years now. My husband is African and shows not much emotion. In the beginning when he wanted to marry me he was really nice, held my hand and listened to what I had to say. Then I found out about his addiction to cocaine which after a while he was able to kick that habit but it got replaced with alcohol. When he drinks he says the most hurtful things to me but the day claims he does not remember what he said. we haven’t had sex since maybe six or seven months ago and the last time he tried looked like he was forcing himself to do it. I have taken quite a bit of emotional abuse and I don’t really know what to do. The cycle keeps going and I am ready to jump off the ride….four years wasted

  • CC

    I have been in my relationship for 9 yrs and married 3 yrs, difference is were 18 yrs apart. I was 24 yr old coming out of a bad marriage and met my now husband he groomed me and won my heart but as the years went bye he was getting verbally abusive so my way of out was to have an affair(6 yrs into relationship w 1 daughter).I ended affair and got back into relationship w husband got married year later had second baby.At first everything was good but now its getting thrown back in my face constantly, verbal abuse is back, no affection, works 7 days a week, and the only time we have is when were together sexually which makes me feel uncomfortable.I dont know how to get out of this relationship and i know that im not that person anymore to have an affair , i want to be a strong good mother rolemodel for my four girls and I feel like im letting them down. HELP!!!

  • Rosemarie

    I have been married for 13 years. My husband inherited a fully paid house from his dead father so he never worked since we married. It was I who worked and provided for all our financial needs (other than paying a mortgage/house). He has a very addicted personality. He was a drug addict (marijuana) up until 5 years ago when he finally went to rehab in an attempt to save out marriage (yes, it was bad from the beginning). He is also addicted to porn, to toys (he spends any money he gets his hands to in toys) and to anything that fancy him at any given time (such as collecting pins, marbles,any types of toys). We never sleep together in one bed ever since we were married (it was his choice), probably because at that time he didn’t want me to know how bad his addiction was to marijuana (he stays up all night and sleeps through 4 pm back then). He also smokes like a chimney, he has a not-so-desirable hygiene habit (unless I get upset at some point), and is very messy. I clean up after him, iron his shirts, give him gas allowance, buy him toys and so many other things that are just ridiculously unfair. His new interest now (at least for a year so far), is digging in the trash for plastic bottles for money. He picked this habit up form meeting several bum people in the neighborhood who eventually became his frieds. Just yesterday, I opened the dryer and found clothes that were not ours. It turned out one particular bum friend comes visit as soon as I leave for work and they hang out in the garage for hours no end, just visiting, pretending to fix the garage that has not been fixed for years. In fact it got worst because now he is not only picking plastic bottles, he is also bring home stuff he thinks he can make money from that he found in the trash.

    The worst part of this, I believe, is about a year now, I started to state my opinion, answering back, yelling back, and fighting him back verbally. I just got tired of it. When he gets frustrated and wants me to stop and I wouldn’t he’d hurt me. physically. Yesterday I got so upset about the laundry (I couldn’t accept that he’s allowing it). When I yelled at him, he jumped and put me on headlock and hit me in the head. I had a bad headache from for hours after that.

    It’s a cycle. He used to sleep all the time, watch TV all the time, stay home and just play with his toys all they time. But now he doesn’t sleep anymore, maybe an hour or so a day. If he happens to be home, he would stay in the internet and either watch porn or bid to buy his toys. His father left him a little money that he placed on some sort of a retirement acocunt for a good 10 years. Unknown to me, he rack up over $7,000 in internet bills for buying toys, so he took money from that retirement account without paying any tax or penalty. When I did my tax, I found out that he did and instead of getting at least $5,000 on refund, his withdrawal ate all of them up. I just cried.

    He blames me for everything. Everything. Even the hitting. Even the trash digging. Even the cigarettes (even though he smoked years before I met him). Even the porn addiction, because he said I was not interested anymore.

    He has a good heart, and there were good moments in the relationship but even I recognize that there is no reason to stay. Hurting me physically is what broke me down. I just didn;t know how to leave. I just thought that at some point he’s ended up in the street, hungry or dead if I leave him.

    I’m just really, really tired.

  • lynn parker

    i’ve been in this marriage for 24yrs., my husband is a loving and caring person, but for the last 3 yrs he has been s/w distant – recently last yr. he gave me a std said it was a one time fling begged for my forgiveness and promised that would never happen again a couple
    of wks ago i stumbled across a phone he left in the bed, i could not believe the text messages i read he admitted to an affair he has been having on and off less than a yr., at which time he admitted he was sick and has a sexual addiction and needs help – i feel it’s time 4
    a divorce i can never trust him again, but i also need guidance i really don’t have any1 i can talk 2.

  • Heather

    I have been with my husband for 15 years and married 6 of them. I will be 36 this year and lately over the last year or two I have thought about leaving. 9 years ago his family decided to move back home and we went with them. 3000 miles away from my family. But I love his family like my own. He has always had trus issues. But when we decided to get married I told him that had to change. In the last year or or two it has gotten worse. I wasnt a social person before. It I became a bartender and became very social. I have many friends I like to hang out with but everytime I want to its a by fight. I invited him many times and he don’t want to go. Now all of the sudden I have a life without him and he don’t like it. He started a business so I quit my job to work with him. Disaster! He don’t like me talking or associating with the men at work. I have never cheated on him and have no desire to get into another relationship ever. But I am accused of being a whore everytime I’m not where he thinks I should be or if I spend too much time at work or if I dont answer my phone when he calls. I am over the jealousy. I don’t like it and I’m at the point where I won’t tolerate it anymore.

    He has back problems and can’t work a lot so now he just sits at the house taking care of the office side of the business. He never goes out and does nothing without me even tho I think he should. I am his whole life. I work to support us and he still acts like I’m always up to something.
    This last time he accused me of something stupid he called my mother and told her to get me out of here. So I packed my stuff and went to a girlfriends house. Got a plane ticket. Then of course he promised to change and I moved my plane ticket up a few months. So far I have been back for two weeks and everything has been fine. No accusing yet. But I know he will. I have been trying to spend more time at home but my bills r now suffering. He says he is looking for a job but he has been supposedly doing that for a year now. Or more. He does do 90% of the house work and he always has big ideas. But they never seem to pan out. I love him but I just don’t know if this is all a waste of time. We have no kids but we own a house. I almost walked away from it all two weeks ago. I know I can get back on my feet after leaving with no problem. But can he? He has depended on me for so long financially. I just want to know if it’s worth staying together. I don’t want to waste anymore time if it’s no going to work.
    I used to turn my phone off when I got home cuz he would get upset if someone called me. Especially if it was a guy. Then he started snooping. Turning texts into something they werent. Then sending messages to peaple to stay away from his wife. I then locked my phone. Now I’m accused of hiding something. I miss out on money all the time because my phone is off. It’s really frustrating.

    I just don’t know if I should stay and give him this last chance. Or if I’m wasting more time.


    I have been married for almost 7 years…the first year of my marriage was good. I was sober for 4 years before I met my husband. When we married I stop doing all my meeting hanging out with sober ppl. needless 2 stay I stared to drink again….I have been called names told I was not going to ever stop and he does not want a wife like me…..I have stoped drinking 2 try and help my marriage…however the bitterness and arguing is still so hurtful…I starting to feel alone and confused…dont get held kissed or sometimes not acknowledge when we r in the same room… tired of this

  • sweetpie


    Married for 7 years now and still we don’t have a baby. My husband is a nice person but most of the times we dont get along and I dont know why. He always made me cry and the problem is he dont even notice me hurt. He dont know how to be sweet and how to comfort me when Im sick and emotionally depressed. My mom said, hes born in the family who are not like me thats why shes convincing me to understand my husband and to change for him but how about me? my need as a wife… I need care, I need comfort. When he gets home after work, he likes watching tv and play his guitar and forgets about me. When Im crying, he fell asleep without comforting or asking me whats wrong… I feel so alone even if hes around. I want to leave him but I still love him! but I dont want to get old in this kind of relationship ’cause my heart is really bleeding. what to do now? I want to leave him but I cant 🙁

  • Sel

    I’ve been with my husband for seven years since I was 18. He’s my First everything. We have 2 beautiful little boys together and another on the way. We’ve been drifting apart since after our oldest was born. My husband lies about everything, and insists that I’m a liar too. We can never say anything to each other without ending the conversation in an argument. I’m not allowed to cry, complain, or vent to anyone or at anytime (even if its to myself) about any of my struggles whether its about my pregnancy, being a mom and full time student or even how hard it is taking care of a 2 year old and one year old 24/7 without my husband yelling at me and asking the same 3 questions he always asks me when I’ve done something he doesn’t approve of: What the hell is wrong with you? Do you hate your life that bad? (followed with a comment to my toddler sons to stay away from me) Abs my favorite, why the f@$! are you crying? (Keep in mind I’m 6 and a half months pregnant) So if I feel tears coming and he’s home, I rush to the bathroom to cry. I always wash my face to hide any redness or swelling so I don’t get yelled at when come out. I know this isn’t how a marriage is suppose to be, and I don’t want my boys to grow up in an unhealthy enviroment. But I can’t leave. I have no money and no place to go. My kids don’t deserve to struggle financially if I do leave just because I wasn’t able to work through my marrital issues. So what do I do?

  • Bre

    I have been married 24 years. I’ve never been anything but my husbands wife, no outside interests.. I’ve worked outside the home but just work and then the rest of the time with him. I lost fifty pounds since January and started feeling really good about myself. In May, I took a trip with the girls out of town. No guys were involved. I was accused of being a whore. I was told that I shouldn’t need anyone but him. It’s been a month of hell. He has realized that he messed up. We are in counseling but I just don’t care anymore. Sometimes love isn’t enough. I know he loves me. He is a good provider. But even though he says he trusts me, he goes everywhere with me or calls and wants to know where I am at. All the while telling me that I need to go on another trip so he can prove that he trusts me. I went from being the happiest I had been in years to feeling nothing.

  • mJR

    i have been married for 7 years. My husband is good to me and supports our family. I meet him in Tx and decided to stay here with him. I have been here around his family this whole time. My family lives in Iowa. I really want to move back there and be near my family. But his job is keeping him hear. He makes good money. And there the cost of living is lower but harder to live. I want out of our marriage. What do you think i should do? Because right now i stay home and do nothing and im misserable. I dont feel good about my self and he wont change i know he wont. The topic has come up before but he never budges. Im unhappy. What do i do?

  • May

    I have been married for 17 1/2 years, to a guy who retired from the air force last year. I am not sure what happened, what changed him, but I do know that it happened when we moved to Texas. We lived there from 9/01, to 11/06. We had 3 boys together. I also have a daughter from my first marriage. Our 2 youngest are very close in age. At some point, Hubby changed. He does not have as much patience, he doesn’t do a lot with the kids, or even us as a family. He will claim he is tired, or has to get up for work early in the morning, he won’t even watch a tv show/movie with us. He keeps to himself, sitting on his computer, listening to music, watching his politics shows, reading articles, or what have you. But when he gets mad- he can be like a raging bull. He can come after the kids if they are acting up, and man, are they scared. He spanks them, I do not. I hate spanking. I do not believe any good will come of it. Except that they might turn around and do it to someone. And that is not good. Anyways, he hasn’t spanked them in a while, but they are so fearful of their father. They told their therapist (we have family therapy) and she in turn, filed a claim with the state, and now we are being investigated (this is NOT the first time for this, unfortunately.) by Child protective services. I dont want to sound stupid. i know that what he is doing is wrong. I want to do the right thing for my family. Just up and ending my marriage, may not be the right thing for the kids. As much as they fear their dad, they also love him. I also have 18 years in to this relationship with him. I do not want him to talk condescending to me, I do not want him to hit the kids. We do not meet eye to eye on many things, and many of the things are not open for discussion with him. It frustrates the crap out of me. He says he will go to counseling for us, but only if it is Christian. The problem with that, is we have kinda stinky health insurance, and they won’t typically cover therapy with just anyone, it has to be “in their network of providers” and we are definately not rolling in the money so we don’t have many options. Needless to say, marital therapy has not taken place. I have been through a lot with my family, (my parents, siblings) since 2001. I have been a pretty devout Christian. Until about 2005. When my Dad dropped dead, and I had to catch the next flight out and be with my mom, and then I did not know what to do, my dad did everything for her. I ended up staying near my mom, and started to realize that my husband was not treating me the way I should be treated. That he had some anger issues, and stuff. That is when I contacted someone for support/help, and the first report on hubby was filed. I did not lie or exxagerate in that report, but he thinks I did. He does not seem to get it. He doesnt seem to understand that these boys have childhood memories of Daddy hitting them, and how scared they are of him. The first time we were reported and investigated, the child protective services found my husband to be abusive, and I was neglectful- because I did not do anything about it. Actually I had done stuff to try and stop him, etc- intervening if I was able to, etc. Anyways, I told him that I had had enough, we were done (this was about 6 years ago from now, June 28, 2012). He was forced by the Air Force to go to anger management class. He called and begged me to come back, and make it work, he promised it would be ok, things would be good. My kids were wearing me out, completely. I went back. Here we are, 6 years later, pretty much in the same place we were in before, only to have the state investigating us again for Child Abuse. :0(

  • Esther

    I have been with my husband for the past 5yrs now with a daughter,he is a cronic woman nizer and i ve done everything to make sure he stop,all to no avail,our sex life is zero,he prefer outside women than me,now i need another baby but he dont seems to bother about the whole thing,everytime am in my ovulatry period he dont come closer but when am free thats is when he want sex, and he complain i dont want to have more baby, and now i ve had sex with a yonger one i felt am in heaven,i felt guilty for doing it outside my home, what do i do? bcus i want out. I cant stand him any longer.

  • Laura

    I have spent 10 years trying to fix my marriage and now it is worse than ever. And why? Because you can’t make someone love you when they don’t. It will only drive them to hate you. Love is sacrificial. Love is selfless. That kind is not only rare, but priceless. Die to self and you will find love. Now if I could only find a man to love me like that while I love him like that. That would be so awesome.

  • Olivia

    I have a husband that is always texted till earlier morning, it’s none of my business. He says I don’t give him enough sex, that I don’t desire him, that I gave emontiol, physical, & financial ruined his life. We have two children, been together for 13 . He wants sex more then once a day, if that does not happen he threaten he’ll go get it somewhere else. I’ve done nothing but cooked, cleaned, wrk full time, ( I’m the head of the house old) supported him thru all his actives I.E motorcycle riding, shooting, school. I feel stuck .. I want to leave but I don’t beileve in getting a divorce .. I tells me to leave all the time, that I need to get my stuff together since I’m mental ! He has an anger problem, the other night was the 1st he held me down, yelling at me that he could really hurt me, as I was kicking and hitting me… My arm from shoulder to elbow is bruised , I should him and he said ” all I did was hold you down, you should not have moved ” it’s your fault ! ” I’m not god with finaces , I don’t know where to being. I dint know what my kids will think, he’s the #1 parent ! I can’t emonital & physical see him with someone else , I don’t want someone else playing mommy to my kids…

  • louise

    awwwww i really feel for every1 on here my bf abuses drugs and seems to think its ok i will forgive him,i get the odd slap or threw across the room but thats ok cus he dosnt punch me,iwant to leave but no where

  • Regina

    Dear Bre, I read your story, I have been there and I know what you are going thru. It does not get better, I did it for 28 years, and I left and came back, left and came back, six years ago I left for the last time and I am doing great. I am going to tell you, its not easy, i was always the one who worked he could not keep a job to save his soul, he still can’t. Why I put up with the abuse, physical, mental, financial and verbal still to this day puzzles me. When I was going through hell I use to think that I was the only person in the world and at the time, there was not the internet, so I really did not know anyone who was in an abusive relationship, so I was alone very alone. I worked in Health Care and I remember going to work at 7 a.m., after not sleepin all night for fear he would come home drunk and beat me, so I would just lay in bed and wait to hear the car pull up. I tell you I lived in pure Hell, so go leave now you can make it and you will.

  • Laura

    It is so very sad to read about so many women involved with men who do not appreciate them or love them for who they are. I am married to such a man. I married him because I love him and I thought he loved me. A few years after we married I realized that not only did he have serious lust issues, but he is a womanizer. He has cheated on me twice, once with a relative of mine and in my house! I forgave him both times, but he has continued to flirt and lust after other women. We have two kids together, plus I have an older mentally disabled son that relies on me. He hates my older son even though he knew all about him when we married. I have a minimum wage job and cannot afford to leave him and be able to provide for my sons. It is hell living with an emotional/verbal abuser. Any suggestions?

  • Bethany

    My husband and I have been trying so hard since we got together. And by “husband and I” I mean just the “I” part of that. He flirts with other women, sometimes much younger than him, he does the whole “sexting” thing and has many accounts on dating websites trying to “find his one true love”… and every time I catch him in the act he promises me the world… I can’t even be intimate with him anymore because I don’t feel like I’m enough for him anymore… I just want advice… I don’t know what to do anymore and I keep telling myself I’m going to leave but I never do… and I’m worried that too soon it’s going to be too late to turn back and I can’t take this emotional roller coaster any longer. What am supposed to do…?

  • Trisha

    I’m planning on leaving my husband as well. I’ve stayed this long because of our daughter. She’s only 8 and I don’t want her to learn this is the norm. It’s my norm, but it’s far from normal.
    My husband has carried on with a female coworker and even expressed a desire to buy her a sex toy. When I told him my feelings on the issue he bought her sexy underwear instead. Like that was any better!!! That’s just the tip of the iceberg. No license, takes steroids, has a charming anger management problem. No sex in over eight months, which considering the situation is a blessing. It has left me feeling very low and unwanted.
    He did go to one counseling session. Then that was it. Can’t fix it on my own and after the last six months of nothing, I have no desire to even try anymore.
    How can I ensure sole custody? Emergency custody??

  • sc

    @ Margaret, not cool. People have many different circumstances that play factor in why they don’t leave. NO one can judge anyone’s plight, whether they agree or not. If you didn’t mean malice my apologies but it read that way.

    On relationships, mine alone has deadened any desire what so ever to have one again. Which I feel, at the moment, fine with. I am a competent woman, articulate, attractive, hip, artist, career minded individual with absolutely almost zero self-esteem, how does that strike you for a catch. People make mistakes, I made a bad judgement and yes, love does cloud our judgement. I am not working a full-time job right now i freelance work that does not bring me a steady income right now. I am steadily searching for a full-time job daily and have yet, been fortunate enough to land one, let alone a job interview. When you are older you need more than minimum wage because with wisdom comes more responsibilities, so minimum wage will not suffice. As for my husband of 2 years, five years in the relationship, he’s just a plain ol abuser…he verbally abuses when his insecurities about being controlled kick in…..I can’t even name the shit he has said to me to deplete my self image, yes i know these things are not true and this is why I can still function, however it has impaired my full capability to function efficiently. I have just lost my mother, i’m going through the dreaded empty nest..and to think I will be left with this monster by myself I’ve been plowing away at plan B, problem is I can’t find money for education because his poor income says we make too much ..and I don’t mean he’s not worthy monetarily I just mean 70,000 is not by any means enough for me to go to school that is gross not net and does not include bills mortgage and living and supporting his son who has now come to live with us, why I don’t know he is just another victim of this tyrant. I used to have hope but I can’t rationalize this crazymaking anymore I don’t have hope because I see no light in his eyes…when I’m trying to appeal to his conscience I just don’t see anything go on empathy just pride and anger and poor me victim crap….he really thinks he’s the one suffering and this alone makes me sick above all other offenses….I have to go to counseling now that I signed up for because I simply don’t want to talk to anyone about this broken record…….

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Sunny,

    I’m so sorry to hear that your marriage is in such rough shape. It sounds like you know you should leave your husband, but it’s the end of your dreams and expectations of a happy, healthy marriage.

    I wrote this article for you:

    Marriage Crisis – Surviving When You Have Nothing Left

    I hope it helps, and invite you to keep writing about how you feel and how you’re coping — because writing really is good therapy!


  • Sunny

    I am so heart broken. Facing the reality that my husband doesn’t really care, love, support, or want me is devastating. He always says “you know that I love you.” and he believes it, but I know better. A person in love doesn’t treat their loved one like I’ve been treated. Married in October 2009 the happiest day of my life, beautiful, simple loving. The days are numbered, everything in me is screaming RUN! He seriously neglects me sexually and mentally. He is rude and mean to me alone but worse around friends and family. He has no respect or admiration for me and consistently bashes my creativity, dreams, goals, accomplishments. I trusted him I never thought he would watch me fall and criticize me on the way down. As a unit I have ‘it all’ but as an individual I have nothing. My business failed,he stopped it, I backed off, resulting in financial ruin. I literally have nothing.

  • Jane

    Hello, I have been contemplating leaving my marriage for quite some time. My husband is just plain mean. He does not provide any emotional support for me, and I feel like instead of being my number one support, he is just the opposite. If I make even a small mistake, he puts me down and says rude things. He is very controlling and treats me like a child. He tells me what to do, how to dress. I recently lost my job and it took about 4 months to find another one. He said that I have to figure out what to do with “my” bills. He hates when I spend any of “his” money. I feel completely alone. I tried to leave once, but he called the cops and told them I kidnapped our children. The number one reason I have not left yet is because I am afraid he is going to try to take the kids away from me. I felt bullied and agreed to come home. My children, ages 7 and 3, both boys, are my life. I have been the number one caregiver for them. My husband is in the military. I don’t feel any kind of connection to him anymore. He also bullys me into sending him naked pictures of myself to him when he is gone, even though I am so uncomfortable with it. He calls me selfish if I don’t.

  • chris

    I’m 47 and have given up my career, my credit score, my home, every piece of furniture I owned, and my sanity to marry a man who said he would take care of me no matter what happened. Yes even us old career women can get stupid! I’m reading these posts from these young women and I want to shout out you will be fine because you are still young and will recover. I may be homeless with three dogs and a car that I can’t pay the payment on because my husband did not want me to work but now has cut me off. The reality is that living in an abusive marriage is not going to get you anywhere. If you have to suffer get out now. Better to suffer now than when you are my age and job hunting becomes a problem. I feel very desolate but I know that you can never let anyone take away your self esteem or let you waste years waiting for them to change. It won’t happen and I think they know that and get enjoyment out of making you waste those precious years. I am so sad because I know that if I were 20 something I would be able to get back out there with that minimum wage job and quickly get back to surviving. Ladies get online and start applying. Get a job, Get out, and I promise you will survive.

  • Alicia

    Needed advice so I came to this website. I’ve been married for 9 years. I’ve left my husband twice and ended up right back. The first time I left him he tried to cheat on me with my cousin. The second time I left him thats another story all by itself but anyway the first time he didnt buy grocery would go in the room close the door would not talk no communication at all. He would leave home not say where he was going and stay gone as long as he wanted. Im dealing with all of that once again. I feel like he knows he can do whatever he wants and I’ll be right here. I have daughters a 17 year old and 8 year old I don’t want them to think this relationship is ok. It’s not healthy and I can no longer do this anymore. My 17 year old tells me “Mom you don’t deserve can do so much better”. I don’t want her giving me adivice do you know how that make’s a mother feel? We act like roommates not a married couple. I know my time is up with him I just don’t know the steps to take. Im unemployed at the moment so I feel like he feel’s he can do whatever and say whatever he wants to me because I have no where to go. My mom moved to Illinois where my brother lives and my sister lives in Virginia…its very hard feeling alone. Please tell me what to do… lost!!!!

  • leah

    i am 22 years old. i’ve been married for 3 years, have a 2year old son, a 5year old step daughter and i miscarried 6months ago. before i had my son my husband and i had a great relationship. he would do what i said and did nothing to piss me off. i had the pants in the relationship. but now all he does is goes out with his friends and gets home drunk at 5am or doesnt come home to sleep and get home until the next morning. i always say im leaving him but i never do because i love him and need him. iam so tired of him going out without me. he does like twice a month and i dont think he is cheating on me but who knows right?im not there. thats his only flaw. but it hurts me and bothers me. i dont want him going out he is not single.

  • Laurie Post author

    If you need help leaving your husband, you need to get in-person support. This is a great first step – telling your story here, and starting to accept the reality of your marriage! But you need help in person if you think you should leave your husband. You need help organizing your children, finances, and a place to live. You need to talk this through with someone — preferably a counselor or social worker who is experienced and can give you good guidance.

    One way to start getting in-person help is by talking to your friends, family, and coworkers. I know it can be really difficult to open up to people, but it’s the first step in leaving your husband. Or, at least it’ll help you gain clarity and insight! You may be surprised at how many women have been in the same situation you’re in today, and how helpful they can be.

    Remember that your kids are listening and learning from you and your husband. Do you want them to be in a marriage like this? Show them how strong, courageous, and independent a woman can be.

    Keep coming back and telling me what steps you’re taking to leave your husband — even little steps, like telling a friend or family member how he treats you and that you’re thinking of leaving! Those little steps add up to a big journey that will change your life.

  • Des

    I am 23: I have been married to my husband since I was 15 years old. I started dating him at age 14. Since age 14, I have been physically, verbally and emtionally abused. I have 3 children with him ages 8, 7, and 6: he is physically, and verbally abusive to them also. He has never been any support for me as I am the only person in the home that works: I pay all of the bills, and come home daily to be verbally abused. I am often called b**ches, wh**es, s**ts, and any other name you can think of: i am constantly accused of seeing other men. My life is a living hell: and thinking of ending it. I cannot take living with this man another day! He is a monster and the worst person in the world. Please help me, with any advice to get out of this life with him!!!!

  • Brooke

    hi I really feel that I have to get out, my husband is mean. He really needs help, he has anger problems and I have trued to get him to go talk to someone, but he says that there is nothing wrong with him. He does nothing but play his games and talk to his friends via the playstation3 on his bluetooth. He will play all day on his days off and ignore the kids and me. He does not want us around when he is playing and tells us to shut up when we are. He says he hates his days off when I am home becuase he does not want to be around me, I am a B**CH so he says. I admit I am not nice to him, but that is only because of the way that he has treated me these late couple of years. Its like he has stages, he maybe fine for a while, then he tries to control me and everything I do also he wants me to respect him, but does not want to give it in returen. I really don’t think he respects women in general, he sometimes acks likes I am below him and tries to treat me like that. I stand up for myself, but I am to the end with what I can put up with. I feel like I hate him most of the time and we hardly even talk and when we do he is mena and nasty to me. Also he is not nice to the kids like I stated before he has an anger problem and the smallest thing will set him off. I do not know where my kids and I will go, everything is in his name because I do not have credit so I do not even know where to start. Does anyone know where I can go to get help?

  • Nicole

    Listen ladies I’m n the same boat my husband is an a$$hole but I’m becoming a bigger one also I only cook meals for me n the kids I get dress with the kids an come bac late we don’t speak to each other just play his game it’s childish but once he sees ur not Payn him attention he’ll act rite truss me

  • mari

    @ bre oh dear go to your mother and start over with your 2 babies u know what.u need to do if not for u.for ur.son if.not.he.will.grow into a young man thinking this is acceptable and will repeat.the. pattern…u.r stronger.than u realize your self

  • Bre

    I got onto this site for advice I’m 23 years old ,engaged been with my fiancé for 4 years ,we have a two year old and I’m pregnant I’m due in 5 weeks . I don’t know what to do anymore he is such an a** too me all the time I seriously want to leave I’ have wanted to leave him off and on for about a year now I leave for a few days then ii always come home . I feel really depressed he’s so mean to me I dont deserve to be treated like this. He yells at me at the top of his lungs anytime we fight. He will yell at me in front of my son has pushed me around , always takes my engagement ring from me threatens to sell it when we’re fighting threatensno throw all of my stuff outside early tonight knocked the whole curtain off the shower rod when I was in there because he was angry with me all I asked for was some support … Emotional support I’m 8 and 1/2 months pregnant I told him I’m feeling really fat I’m starting to gain to much weight an hes mad at me because I don’t want to have sex I should not be treated like this I just need the strength to leave ….this is my home I’ve worked so hard for everything I have I think that’s why I’m mainly so scared to leave I’m wanting to get my unborn child’s room ready I have so much to do I don’t know what’s right if I should move in with my mom or stay please ladies give me advice and help me I’m so confused

  • mari

    @sasha honey ur kids cannot be happy if ur not happy. Plain and simple you should leave for ur kids sake. It wont be easy at first but i can assure that with alot of love and patience from u they will be ok. I seperated from my kids father 13 years ago and my son told me then why dad had to leave and not me! I was broken yet today im my sons queen he loves me and shows it evryday! I am a happy women and eveything i do i do for them and they see that my daughter says she would have loved to grown up with her dad but understands that we could have never been happy together…u have only one life to live dont look back one day when ur old n gray full of regret. My heart hurta for u because i know how hard it is for u, but believe me u can feel joy and happiness in your heart again. Good luck.

  • Shasha

    I have been married for 18 yrs. We have 4 kids and I am at my last straw with my husband. He has done everything imaginable a husband can do to a wife. U name it, he has done it. But yet I stay. He always finds a way to convince me to stay but the thing is, I stay for the kids. My oldest son has point blank told me he will not go with me if I leave and I would never leave any one of my kids behind. They are my life. The worse thing is my son makes a lot of sense when he says that he and his older sister could cope but that I should think of the little ones (ages 9 & 5) who need a dad.
    My husband does try to change but with all the history of abuse (mostly emotional) I don’t trust him and fight with him every chance I get because I feel anger towards him. I am a professional and makes decent money and can do it without him but don’t want to put my children through any heartbreak. I am miserable most of the time but am sacrificing for my kids. Any advice? While I do feel love for him, I know I am no longer in love with him. What should I do? Think of myself for a change or learn to cope better?

  • jennifer

    been having control issues with my spouse for seven years it did not get real harsh till after the kids were born but he exerted lots of jealousy while i was in school always saying how id never finish because i was always missing for something important like i was pregnant and fighting severe sickness all day and migraines that would make me puke and pass out. pre-eclampsia and diabetes made for a not feel good the whole pregnancy but i still finished at the top ten percent of my class and turned around and had the baby only to get pregnant again. he lost his job but that was my fault for having him get a tax payer id number not to mention that we had to do so and file taxes so he could get his greencard but told me the greencard didnt matter but soon as i got pregnant it became the only thing that mattered… he is a great father but a lousy husband he does scream and i suspect he cheats. want to leave him but not sure if i can. wondering would others in this situation leave or would they stay. not sure if i love him or not and the sex is definitely not fullfilling as it once was (since the kids were born) he does not hit me but how he treat me in front of others and things he has said make me feel as if he has hit me right in the chest…

  • Possibilities

    I’m sure you have been told the obvious reasons to death by everyone, why you shouldn’t be with him.
    Not going there (personally speaking), it sucks to love rodents. One tip about rodents, they stay in cages for a reason.

    To love a rodent or not to love. “quote from me”
    1. If he bites back (beats you) you have your answer on talking.
    Don’t bother, just turn away and walk away, it sucks. Your son is worth every step and breath you take as his mom.
    2. If he doesn’t bite back, ask him if he’s a man or mouse.
    Go back to ABCs and 123s, remembering is fun. Make the marriage work.

  • Possibilities


    Do you have any children or friends that are more close to you or spouse?

    Other than that, here is a few tidbits…
    1. Some could be medication you might be on. (confusion, emotional, illness ect.) I love Wal-Greens pharmacy. Most are friendly and will give you time of day. Check out your prescriptions, take them in. Most would be more than happy to ease your mind.
    2. Honestly, I have a safety lock on my smart phone. I keep a lot of personal information stored there.
    3. Sometimes life may seem hopeless or even not worth staying. Please don’t give up and knowing that life can give you a bad hand, like poker. But bluffing can always be played. So don’t fold, keep bluffing!

  • Possibilities

    Lynn, your story was very touching and in ways it feels similar to a situation I recalled, by listening to both sides objectively. Granted I’m not a professional from any means.

    For a lot of stress in marriages is finances, plain and simple.
    Anything outside of this bubble is sacrifices, either by good choices or not.

    Staying in a relationship for money has advantages but just because its there, abusing it for self gain and not improving your situation is foolish.

    1. If you truly love the children, don’t be hasty. Google is a powerful tool.
    2. Be calm and get ALL information on children from birth to now. EVERY DOCTOR they ever had.
    2. Video is a powerful stuff in attorney hands if want to be a parent and show flakes, kids should be treated with love, respect, and guidance.

  • Patsy

    I have been married for 2 years with him for 5. We have one son. The relationship has been hard from the beginning. I’m a stay at home mom and becoming fed up. I am a junior at a university but it’s on hold to be with baby. My husband just graduated from a univ. himself. Now it’s my turn to go again. I feel that my husband is a narcissist and materialistic and it’s the opposite of me and drives me insane. We have shared one car meaning my schedule revolves aground his. Everytime I bring up getting a job or going to school (I the past) he almost throws fits and gets me not to do it. He’s kept me from interviews and accepting jobs. He’s compulsive when it comes to cleaning. He yells and puts me down. I’m never good enough. The main issue is he keeps me from my family forcing me to go behind his back to see them. He has not said one positive thing about them in over a year. We never go out…. Grandmas are not even allowed to babysit leaving me with out a break ever! Should I leave? I’m so confused. I’m tired of his bad temper and controlling ways.

  • nikki

    My husband and I were together for a year before we got married. He is a few years younger than me but that has never made a difference. We had been engaged for a few short months when he started talking to a woman he works with, two exes, and one old fling. He hid this from me for a month, I ended up finding out by luck. Despite what my heart wanted I was going to be done with him, he cried told me I was all he ever wanted and he was just being stupid with his actions, wanted to make sure I was all he wanted before we got married. The pain I felt from his many betrayals got so intense I ended up being numb. Just kind of went through the motions, forgave him and we moved in together. Months later we got married. We have been married for three months now and I fear our marriage was over before it began. I have major trust issues and it doesnt help that he still works with the woman he attempted to sleep with ( I to this day do not know if they ever did) I argue with myself daily on whether or not to believe anything he says. He has lied so much, it’s hard. He gets angry with me, says hes tired of not being trusted, but shouldn’t he earn that back? I didn’t damage our relationship/marriage and yet it seems as though I am the one suffering, trying to move past the past, trying to fix the present and survive the future.He used to try now he doesnt. Now he just gets angry and says “we shouldnt be together, its not what I want though” but he does nothing to change ANYthing and then says all he does is try. I convince myself my marriage is not a good one but I love this man, I truly adore him. My 5 year old son whose father is not in his life adores my husband as well. How can I leave when I dont want to, when I dont want to put my son or myself through a divorce? All I want is my marriage to work, doesnt have to be perfect, I’d settle for ok. I am still hurt by the past and I know that is a lot of our issues, but I am not hurt enough to want to leave my husband. I wonder if I can leave, I doubt I could make myself. I love him too much. I meant what I said when we got married, I made a choice. I chose him for the rest of my life. I couldnt imagine touching another man or DATING again (ugh) but we have trust issues, we cant communicate and it hurts me hes not more understanding to what he put me through. I dont know what to do where to start.



  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Dear Catherine,

    You’ve been through so much lately! You’re a strong woman – a survivor – and I hope you can see how resilient and courageous you are.

    I can’t give you the help you need and deserve. You need to reach out to someone in person, and talk about whether or not you should leave your husband and how to survive this situation. I wish I could give you all the answers and support you need, but I can’t.

    Please call a distress line or counselor. You deserve to get the help you need – please reach out in person, and let me know how it goes, okay? I welcome you to keep coming back and letting me know how you are – I’d love to know how you’re doing.

    Remember: you CAN survive this, and be happy again. Healing is on the way…but you need to go halfway out to meet it.


  • Catherine

    I would love some advice, I am currently married with 2 teenage kids 18 and 17 and have been for 20 years. I am 39 years old this year, 5 weeks ago my male best friend of 5 years was going through some very personal family issues with abuse that happened to him as a child and I was supportive by listening and hugging him when he broke down.One night he was in tears because of the abuse he suffered as a child I reached out and hugged him, he kissed me. My husband found out and my life has been a living nightmare since. I am made to check in everywhere I go, I must provide proof of where I am all the time yet he has accused me of meeting my male best friend, and lying etc. He come clean about a trip away he had with 10 mates to Vegas which I asked him about when he returned as I had one of his friends come over and get drunk and and what he told me astounded me he said my husband was with someone in Vegas and he swore on his dads life back then that simply wasn’t the case. I confronted him and he swore yet again he done nothing wrong, I asked him not to say anything or cause an issue with his friend. He promised he wouldn’t say anything. He lied and I found out. He has hidden phone calls with his brother and work colleges and makes a habit of telling his mates about my best friend and I. Any friends I thought I had have walked away from me, I have no family and left for 3 weeks to stay in a hotel. I attempted to take my life twice but failed.
    I returned home as he begged and pleaded he loved me to give us another chance, I agreed as I love him dearly.
    Since I have been back home he has hidden, lied, accussed me of things that I didn’t do. He told me his dead grandfather whom he has never met came to him whilst he was asleep and told him I was doing wrong again. Now he has told his friend which is or was our friends the whole male best friend incident. Not only do I deal with these friends on a work level I also have to deal with them on holidays as we have our house on the river next to theirs.
    I am in despair I have no one to reach out to, or support me. I have paid dearly for my error and now I am made to suffer every waking moment. Please help?

  • Sarah

    Girl from Indonesia: welcome to American men. What you did was not a good idea, it would be better for you to return to your country and to your family.

  • Sarah

    I’ve been reading all your stories and I must admit that I’ve taken away a little piece of strength and surety from each of them. I am currently married to the man I need to leave. We’ve been married for almost 3 years but together for 6. He also was in the military. I dedicated my entire being to support, encourage, and remain loyal to him. I of coarse did these things based on the simple fact- “he would do the same for me!” Right? WRONG!! 2 days after returning from Iraq, while I was 8 months pregnant with our first child, I caught him talking to another woman. Although he’s yet to admit it, he carried on a full blown emotional relationship with this woman for who knows how long? A “friend” from high school. He would say things to her that were so sweet and considerate. Things I hadn’t been told for a long time. I think what hurt me the most was when I saw the message where he told her “happy mothers” day, I had to remind him to wish ME (the mother of his own child) a happy mothers day!! I guess that’s the point in our relationship I no longer felt safe. I was miserable and depressed. I felt as though I could never trust him again. But for the sake of our unborn child, I forced myself to accept what happened and offer our family another chance. Its been 2 years since that incident and although I trust he is not seeing or talking to someone else,our marriage has turned into an arrangement. I feel as though we “stick” around for all the wrong reasons. But the most important obviously being for our son. I can’t allow that to be my excuse anymore. I am so unhappy as a wife, as a woman. I think that some time apart would do us both some good. Maybe it will rekindle those feelings we’ve lost along the way? Or maybe it will confirm our inevitable dissolution?? I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know I no longer want to pretend what we have is great! I don’t want to settle for mediocre!! I want to be in love and receive genuine love in return. I don’t necessarily want our relationship to end in divorce, I want a wake up call!! I want to feel safe!! I want him to appreciate all the good he has NOW before its too late!! Like they say, “someone else’s trash, is another’s mans treasure”

  • jen

    I have a question about my marriage, i have been married for 6 years and together with him for 14 he was in the Army for 8 years and i was theri the whole time for him. He wanted to stay at home with our kids do i did since i wanted to have time for them to get older. Now we have three kids youngest 3 im in college again and doing well he wont say that hes pround of me or ever around i feel all alone and have told him many times but he doesnt care. i tell him thing over and over things that bother me and he has told me he doesnt care. how am i to feel about that? ex. this weekend he comes into town because he goes to school 2 hours away he just got out the Army and i had class on saterday he leaves our elder kids with my sisters and goes to his parents i took my younest with me, he was to watch him but never woke up anyways he took off to his parents and came back home around 10pm. now its sunday and i take the kids to church like i always do unless we are at his parents house like we have the past month, now i come home around 1pm from church and hes away all he does is tell me things that need to be done and put me down for not doing things before i left he didnt heklp me get the kids dressed or anything i did it my self like always then i take the kids to our pool and he takes a nap with our 3 year old he calls me at the pool and tells me i need to come to wacth him so that he can leave to go back to his schhol. can anyone tell me what the hell to do im lot i tell him i want more time together and he tells me he doesnt see what the problem is. can someone help please?

  • mari

    @ashley..oh my honey has be beat u have given up your power to him. He has scared you into believing that without him your incapable of doing anything. But sweetheart it seem like it cant get anyworst without him. FEAR is your we feel that i would never amount to anything without himrst enemy! I left my ex husband who was abusive he always made me feel that i would never be anything without him on top of it all i was so scared of leaving affriad that he would catch me in the act and kill me! Well i found the courage in my sons eyes 😀 for him i swore that i had to give him my everything that he desevered so much more than seeing his mother being beaten to the ground and stabbed with an ice pick not to mention raped! Ok! I took my child 2 shopping bags one of his clothes another of mine and while he was at work i just left!, i took a greyhound bus out of that state and left to my parents beaten, humiliated, i felt like a failure…girl i went to the welfare dept. for help yes food stamps school i took advantage of everything the system huad to offer i even got a year worth of rent! I swore that i would leave the system get a training at anything and get a job, and so i did…fast forward to now..i remarred my son is on his second year at penn state university i own my home and he came down here once looking for me at first my entire family was there and guess what he wasnt the macho man he used to he he was a coward who took advantage of a young beaten down woman! He had all the power until i decided to take it back! So you can live without him, you can be the woman you dream of being and you should be the mother that you truly want to be inside and leave! You can do it! You just have to decide that you can! My heart is with you and im praying that you will find the strenght to do what is right in your babies eyes…

  • Ashley

    If your husband makes you homeless 3x, should you go when it was his lack of stability to cause it and not the economy?

    If you husband racks up debt year after year where you have to file bankruptcy because he wants to live lavishly when he cannot afford any of it, is it time to go?

    When he allows his family, your family to critisize you, belittle you, abuse you, trash talk about the children, is it time to go?

    If you feel like you are more his maid, cook, lawyer, banker, saleswomen, assistant, babysitter then his wife, is it time to go?

    These are among the long list of questions I ask myself everyday for the last 2 years of an 8 year marriage. We have 4 kids, he threatens to take them if I leave. I just dont know what to do anymore. He has scared me to stay and I feel I cannot leave and raise them without him. He has the career, he has made sure all I can do is minimum wage but isolating me from everyone. Its just mortifying to see my dreams die along with the childrens too.

  • Ashley

    I have 4 kids, been married 8 years. I am at the point where I am just fed up but cannot seem to go. He says he will take the kids if I do yet he does nothing for them. He has managed to make us bankrupt twice, homeless 3x and its not because of the economy. He just wont keep a job and keep out of getting us in debt by buying things we cannot afford. He wants to live off the system but in a rich home surrounded by lavish things. I am embarrased by him. He makes me feel unwanted, fat, worthless. I get a job to do better, he does something that makes me have to chose between working or being with the kids. I failed school because he had use in a new zip code every month, I cant say or do anything because I am scared I will lose the kids. But then again, how can I care for 4 children on my own with just my income as he has the career and all I can get is minimum wage. I am just so depressed that staying in misery seems to be my only options. And there is no intimacy so I have been living as if I were a nun for a year now. I really dont think I have any choice but to stay and stick it out till the kids are all grown so he cannot take the one thing i care most about away, The children!

  • Super Sad

    Hello all…I’ve been with my husband 11 yrs, married 2. I am in the sad, sad process of making my getaway plans…he is just above all else, a narcissist, uncaring, unemotional…I’m total opposite…Not sure why I’ve stayed…No physical abuse but emotional abuse/verbal abuse on top of mental issues on my side, I am beside myself…One too many times for me…he calls me all but a child of God, I can’t do anything right, stupid, unattractive (not to boast or brag but I’m no hag), just horrible things…it used to really hurt me, now it’s pissing me off…he’s lied to my family, borrowed money then said, not my family, haha..just mean as a snake, always putting me down, nothing is ever good enough, clean enough, spicy enough, blah blah…what has scared me into making a plan to leave is because I’m getting over the being “hurt” and I’m “pissed off”…Don’t let your situations come to this….I’m doing the best I can, (as he has managed to isolate me) away from all I know, to hang in here for few more days….I am beside myself with anger, anxiety, panic, fear not sure theres enough space to say it all or the want to on my part…..Get out is the best thing I can say…with or witout money….it doesn’t get better…this is my second go round with abuse…only difference with this one is not physical….seriously emotional and verbal…very vindictive.

  • Pamela

    I love my husband we been together for 10 yrs. I feel like I’ve let him down I’ve got a mental illness and struggled with this for many years. I be lost respect for my self and confidence I dont think I am the wife he married I love this man I can’t bear we’re I am and I feel like I’m nothing so I willing to walk away hopefully to find myself. If I recover me who knows but I’m no good to him thoughts.

  • seescoe

    hi. i am on the other side. i am a man in his 40’s who has just lost the love of my life. i was good person once, the guy she met and fell in love with and married, but along the way my self-esteem issues drove me into depression and anxiety, and i turned to drugs and alcohol to cope. i created a secret life that i lived apart from my wife, whom i neglected emotionally in every respect. there have been issues over the years, and she has called me out on the drinking, the drugs, the porn, the lack of attention and respect. i would try to fix things, and while it would be ok for awhile i would always go back, because that’s all i knew. once things seemed settled i would gradually go back to my old habits, without regard to her. i never set out for it to happen this way. i never stopped loving her, but i never was there for her, i always took her for granted. i would take out my frustrations on her. i resented her for keeping me from my drugs, from keeping me from my selfishness, and now, after this last episode where she has told me its over, i finally understand what i have been doing all these years. i finally realize that i can’t control the drugs, they only control me. the only answer is, and has always been, total abstinence. the cruelest irony is that i had to lose everything to understand what i needed to do to change myself, and become again the man she fell in love with and married. and now that i am on the path to recovering myself, i find myself alone, facing a life without her. there is no bigger pain than realizing too late what a gift you have. i had a beautiful diamond in my hand, and in a drunken, ignorant rage i threw it into the ocean. and now i stand on the shore, looking out at the water, in agony and despair at what i have done. and even though i know its hopeless, even though i no there is no chance, the only thing i have left is to try and regain what i have lost.

  • louise

    Oh Mercy,

    You are 25!! Your life isnt over – it hasnt even begun.So you made a mistake. Hey, dont pay for it a second longer. Leave. Tomorrow. On the bus or train or in any vehicle that has gas in it. Change the chip in your cell fone and dont look back. You were smart enough to find this site, youll be smart enough to go to Tijuana or anywhere else you want to go. Rent a room. Get any job for the short term. Tell yourself youre Jerry Hall leaving Nowhere Texas for work in paris {she was 17} or anyone else you want to be. Do not have contact with this man child again. He does not love you. He doesnt make you happy He abuses you. Leave a piece of paper with a middle finger salute on it.Then meet decent people who know how to relate to other decent people. Have some fun with other 25 year olds {mixed crowds, hang out, go to a night class or two. } Smile and hold your head up and vow that no one will ever make you this unhappy again. good luck and post a reply when you get where youre going, cos it will be fab and all us oldies who waited far too long to take that huge step will be rooting for you.

  • Confusedagain

    I’m 26 my husband is 30 we have been together for 12 yrs and I’m unhappy. He has a drinking problem well at least I think he does. He leaves me and his children to go drink with his friends. On new years we made plans and me and my family were waiting for him after work but he never showed up until 2 days later, I was embarrassed with my family. I kicked him out of the house for a few days then took him back. He is a good dad and good husband but I feel sad and unwanted because he always chooses his friends before us. I always tell him if he leaves again, I will leave him but he doesn’t seem to care and keeps doing it, he will stop drinking for a few months then leave and not come back, I don’t think he is cheating. Am I being over dramatic. He tells me he wants to be able to hang out with his friends every once in awhile because he needs his boy time. I understand that but once he starts drinking he doesn’t stop and gets aggressive towards me and scares me. I also forgot to mention we have 2 kids my daughter is 10 and cries every time he comes home drunk, he promises her he won’t do it again, but eventually does , she is so upset now that she tells me not to forgive her father, it hurts me to hear our own daughter say that. He just got home right now from drinking with his friends. When I asked him what happend he says he is sorry and it won’t happen again, he told me that him and his coworkers went drinking and they all jumped in a river and that’s why he was all wet, he said he just wanted to have a little fun. I feel bad because I feel like I’m making unhappy by pressuring him not to drink.. I also have to add that I’m a bitchy wife but I have done everything for him. He is a illegal alien and has no future here in America he can’t keep a job and I feel like I can never rely on him. I work I’m very independent for the reason I never want to ask him for anything. Plz help me. I am very confused

  • irmawati

    hi all…
    can you help me out
    i met my husband online, after a year dating online, we got engaged n then the next year we got married. i was 30 and he was 39. i come from indonesia.
    after we were married, we didnt see each other (only on skype) for a year because i have to stay in my country to wait for the permanent resident card. Short story, I got my pr card n we got together in canada. I admitted when i was in the airport first time to meet him i was kind of confused n lost. I have never been away from my home country n i am also tired after almost 20 hours flight. So i didnt gave him the warm love that he expected in the airport.
    After that We lived in a small town where he bought us a house n work.
    Everything was ok…yes, he was sometimes ‘rude’ in his words, but thats ok because i love him. Then, couple weeks before Christmas I was checking our mail box when i found a pink christmas card, theres no name of sender on it so i opened it, thinking it was from the kids in quebec (he has already 3 kids from his ex). It was from a girl named maria, it was a love christmas card with love words n pics of them together.
    So when he came home I confronted him, but he denied everything, calling the girl crazy n the pic is fake. i know the pic is not fake cause i am not blind about technology. But I let it go, because I was thinking he was lonely while i was not there so he needed a woman.
    But then on christmas, I was playing his iphone with his kids in Quebec when I found skype with different name n the only contact that he had is that girl, Maria. i was very angry, he erased it n said to me that he love me, n that night he made love to me n made me a baby.
    Soon, i got pregnant, but in the end of january, i found out that he has been texting with a woman, saying love words. so i wrote down the woman’s name n called her. my heart beat so fast when i asked: are you maria? n she said ‘yes, who is this?’
    i told her that i am martin wife. she hung up the phone then he texted me n asked me where i have been last year, n i told her everything about the pr card. she said she didnt know he was married n ahe was sorry n she will not contacted him anymore. i was relieved that she understood.
    But thats not true, they were still texting together even calling. I found the voice message from her saying: hi martini, you called me all the times made my inbox full. I was very angry, i was pregnant n they did this to me (i told maria before that i am pregnant). so when he came home, i told him that i wanted to see our telus bills, n i wanted him to called her n told her that its finish between them. i told him, if you want her then its ok, we go get divorce. but he didnt want he said he love me.
    short story, maria gone but then the facebook women were there, he was sending message to women (filifine, he love filifine). love message. he told me he only played around. i told him that i disagree, that i think what he did is emotionally cheating on our marriage n love. so he stopped. but then maria came again. they texting again. i was frustated, he wrote a letter sign by him that he will not have any comunication with maria anymore.
    then i found out he joined dating site n paid member. i cant believe my eyes. we just had a baby girl n he did this to our little family.
    he said he is sorry n deleted the account. but it didnt end there, there were some dating sites again n facebook women…we fought almost everyday.
    when our baby was 3 months i went home to visit my family in indonesia. at the airport, he told me that he was sorry n he said he will deleted all the dating sites. but when i was waiting the plane boarding, i checked his email, n he was already joining new dating site half hour before we said good bye.
    in indonesia, i found out i am pregnant again, because of i feel insecure, i checked our bills of phone, n i foud out maria n him are texting n calling. he made me a promised on paper that he will not have any communication with this woman. so i asked for divorce. but he refused. he said he will do anything to saved our marriage. so we talked n we made up.
    then on february 2012 i found out he joined zoosks local dating site. n i found women phone numbers in his contact (i can see his contact through his email) i called the women n they said they didnt know he is married. two of them lived in our city n one of them said he asked to meet her. i was again having depression. i cant sleep, my head keeps on thinking. I asked him to divorce me. but again he refused to do that. he deleted his account n said he will not do stupid thing anymore.
    For one month theres nothing in his email or phone bills. But then couple days ago i found out he has been texting with a filifine woman from zoosks (i recognize the numbers) in our city. they have been texting for 1300 text message. i was very angry. he kept on broken his words to me n lied. So I asked divorce. He told me he love his family n he will not divorce me. He changed his password on telus phone n i was angry. he gave the password to me n told me not to be panic, he told me that in telus bills i am going to see ‘maria’ phone numbers that they have been texting. he told me that he only replied maria text, n they only talked about her over weight baby. (she was pregnant with another man’s baby while texting my husband before)
    I texted maria, n she said yes they have been texting.
    Her words are: yep, we are texting but my conviction is still the same, i will not coming back to him. he will be happy though ythat u will divorce him, cause he is crazy guy. lol. like what i said martini is a good actor, no guilt, no sense of concience. i will not be surprised if he lied about me to you. i knew theres something wrong with him, how he treat you n not feeling sorry about losing his family at all.

    Now we are in the cold. he said i dont trust him n i dont know what to do, i want to divorce him but i am afraid losing my family…i am so confused…can you help me???

  • China

    I have been with my husband since I was 18. I am 50 now. I am in the first stage of alzheimer, I forget things all the time. But sometime what I forget comes back to me. I’ll ask him , do you know what I did with that money? Or didn’t I set down my bag and leave in someone ca or at someone house, he’ll say I didn’t have any money or we wasn’t at that person house. But then the next time we are with that person what I left always comes up, someone will bring it up or show it to me, to see if I remember. He let them keep my things. I think the money he spit it with them he is always texting someone on the phone,the phone be lock so I can’t go on the web. He want tell me how to unlock it. I think the things i forget he use to give other women. I have lost some much. But them things mean nothing, I just want the pain to go away. I do not think he is in love with me, or love me. Not the way I love him. I think I should have left him when he came home with something that sent me to the doctor. Whith my health beening the way it is I’m scare to leave and be on my own, and scare to stay, or be around anyone. There no hope for me. I’m all alone, on one to talk to. Everyone I know use me because they know I’m going to forget, they don’t care about the fact that I remember sometimes. It hurts so. What can I do? All I know to do is pray. God is all I got. I should be happy with that. My God forgive me for so little faith

  • Brenda

    Mercy, call a shelter. They can help you figure out your options, even if you don’t go to the shelter itself. You are a worthwhile person, who deserves a good life. Your partner is abusive emotionally, physically, mentally and sexually.

  • Lynn

    I’ve known my husband since we were in high school, fooled around a lot then right after I graduated I moved away for 11 years. When I came back it was supposed to be for a visit but we ran into each other and hooked up & I never left. We’ve been together basically since the day I got to town 4 & a half years, married for 3 & a half. Well, he used to drink very heavily and would physically hurt me, after some time he quit the heavy drinking and started using pills. At first it didn’t bother me, even though I hate pills, but then it got to be too much. He’s been off them a couple weeks now but hasn’t changed with the emotional abuse, always saying the meanest things & saying I don’t love him, trust him, or respect him & that I just want to fight. I don’t want to fight. I never want to fight but he’s so convinced that it’s always my fault. He actually says that all of our fights are because of me! I’m afraid of him, I walk on egg shells. He breaks my things and spits on my car windows for me to find. I know I would have left long ago if it weren’t for my step children. I love them so much & their “mom” isn’t in the picture because she abused them and abuses drugs and is a total mental case. My husband loves his kids but I’m the one who takes them to the doctor, dentist, school, etc. I do all of my husband’s paperwork for him, do everything for him. I really believe the kids belong with him but I’d miss them so much & I know he’ll cut me off from them if I go. He owes people in my family money, which is another reason I’ve stayed, hoping he’ll pay them back these thousands and thousands of dollars. He can’t hold a job & I feel embarrassed making up lies to people about why he quit his job. I’m working now but not much & he owes me a lot of money too. I feel so trapped. I used to be free & never thought I’d settle down. How could I settle for this guy? How do I leave the kids? Life is so unfair. Please help me figure this one out. I could just get my things & go but I want the $ he owes me & my family. I feel like I love him but it’s never going to work & I will have wasted my time. Soon I’ll be too old to have kids of my own and then what? If I wait & then we divorce anyways then I’ll miss my chance. Ugh. So much more to this but maybe someone has so

  • jai

    Hi, I am in a situation similar to many of you, let me start by saying you are all Women of great strength to put up with the years of mistreatment and different forms of abuse. If we all have the strength to stay in a destructive relationship whilst raising children, working and holding a household together, then finding the strength & courage to leave has always been there.

    Let me share my story..
    I met my husband overseas, I supported him financially for two years while he finished his degree and partied. I spent all my money travelling to see him, I fell pregnant with our first child and gave birth back in Australia without him. I packed up my belongings, our 2 month old and moved to be with him and get married in Samoa. Things did not go well..

    THE WARNING SIGNS WERE WRITTEN ALL OVER THE WALL: Heavy drinking, physical and emotional abuse started, still communicating with ex girlfriend, name calling, no respect for my family.

    It wasn’t working and I became home sick as I couldn’t understand the language, I had no one to talk to and my husband worked during the day, uni in the evening, then would come home drink, hang around with all the boys we lived with and hardly acknowledge our daughter or I.

    We made the decision for me to return home and begin putting his paper work together for his visa to Australia, he continued to call once weekly only to ask for money and rarely heard from him otherwise. The documents for his visa took him months to put together as he was too busy partying, going out and cheating.

    When he finally came to Australia, I fell pregnant again. My husband couldn’t work, so i continued to support him and his drinking habit. He also suffered from depression at the time, so he rarely helped with our daughter, instead would lock himself in the room and spend the whole day sleeping, on the net or making music on the computer. Our second daughter came, things became worse…he was out every weekend drinking, hanging around men who constantly cheat and have no respect for their partners. He left at Xmas to live with one of these men and came back 3 months later as I was desperate to be with him and he had things easy.

    As of today, My husband has changed a lot for himself. He no longer drinks excessively, he has lost lots of weight, is a gym junkie and has become obsessed with himself and his image. He is also still hanging around the same men, avoids being home, is on the internet using dating websites and viewing porn, the physical and emotional abuse is high and in front of our daughters, there is no communication, he does not contribute financially to anything other than half the rent and some petrol (I pay all other bills internet, phone, car loan, electricity bills etc) I am in debt as he smashes everything that I own, he is selfish and only cares for bettering himself and doesn’t care who he uses to get to where he wants to be.

    In return I have no self esteem, I am constantly blamed for being an inadequate mother, wife and women, I am told daily I am fat, ugly, lucky to have him, i’m crazy (for accusing him of cheating) i’m going no where, i’m stupid and uneducated.

    To cut a novel short, it is now 5 years later, Today I am 7 months pregnant with our 3rd daughter. He is due for permanent residency in a few months time and is only with me until he gets it. I cannot put all the blame on him as there is always two sides to a story. I have been a control freak, not trusting him and allowing him freedom to do what he wants to try and keep him away from any situation that could lead to him cheating. By not letting him drive my car, taking the internet stick away and constantly questioning him.

    I think we all came here for the same reasons, to find help. In return we have all found the answer we already knew. I have already spent 5 years in hell, he has taken everything from me but I still have my beautiful children who’s love for me is pure and eternal. My children are my life and I choose to leave for them. The more years I spend focused on trying to please my husband, is another I have missed out on my children.

    All your posts have given me strength and I hope mine may give you the courage to make the decision to change your lives. We are only given one life to live and it is up to us to choose how we want to make the most of it. I still love my husband and deep down wish that we could be a happy family but i know that we have grown to far apart and theres to much hurt and resentment towards each other to make amends. I wish you all the best in your journeys!! This is the beginning of mine…

  • mari

    @flygirl…girl you need to get your thing together either go to school or get a job not for him bit but urself and your baby, this will build your confidence and i suggest you start doing something about your weight again for yourself, not him, i think its horrible that he counts his money as his, a marriage should be about building each other up being there for each other no matter what…good luck

  • mari

    @mary..omg hun you can do so much better. I left married at 17 left him a year later with a baby he always told me that i would never mount to anything well i remarried went to school we bought our own home and my son is now in college, dont think for one minute your stuck with is guy who not only disrespects you but doesnt value you. I wish you strenght to do what you have to do for your babies. And this girl calling you is just wrong i agree that she is just calling to find out if ur still with him so she can move in but thats heside the point he doesnt deserve you can he obviously doesnt care. All i can tell you is that if you decide to move on you will be ok. Good luck

  • Unlimited

    Mary – I’m so sorry but it sounds like he’s not willing to make it work. Plus he has been so direspectful to you. You deserve better. You were so young when you started a relationship with him. He sounds sneaky and dishonest. I wouldn’t trust him either. And the girl who calls you to see how your relationship is sounds manipulative. She probably just wants to see if you are broken up so she can swoop in without feeling guilty. But don’t stay just because you don’t want him to be with someone else. If he’s not willing to give up flirting with others and you can’t trust him, is that worth staying together? Only you know. Look deep inside and listen to your gut to make
    Your decision. I wish you well.

  • Mary

    Hey everyone, well I guess in just another one confused about these men.. Well I’m 27 and been living with my boyfriend for 6 years an Been with him 9 .. We have 2 kids one is 5 and the other is 7 months .. Well last a day before Christmas I accidentally saw a message fro a girl on his phone and read all the messages they sent to each other he called her baby and all kinds if things he told her he was feeling something for her and so forth .. I confronted him and he said it was nothing so I was like ok whatever then I tried to get ahold of the girl and she would never answer .. Then I went through his phone bill and he still talked to her .. So I told him and he got mad cuz I went through his phone bill .. He said he was going to stop but then .. I went through his phone again and saw messages still .. So I called the girl and she said he was the one looking for him and he kept texing her she asked me how our relashionship was and I said fine before I found out about u then she said well he tells me things are no good between you two… So he lied to her and I think told her we always argued when we didn’t hardly ever argued .. So she said she was not going to answer his messages but she did I don’t know how but I always knew when he would talk to he for text her … Well I talked to her until she changed her number … So he said he loved me and wanted to be with me not with her do I said ok I will forgive you so I did now we are still together but I don’t trust him at all he is always on his phone .. He said he isn’t doing anything but I don’t trust him then he gets mad because I tell him ..” your probably texing that b***h hu” and he said I wish I could so u can shut up already … She changed her number and I think he hasn’t talked to her but the other day I got a phon call and it wa her she said .. I want to know how u guys are doing ?? I said good y have u talked ti him and she said he got my number like 2 times but I changed my number si he won’t call me … I said oh ok well let me know if he text u or something … Now since she called me Im not secure anymore I feel they still talk I can’t go through his phone cuz he has a a password so I feel he still talks ti her … When he gets home from work he leaves to his moms and I’m always remind him if that girl telling him ur probably texing her or u want to go with her hu… And stuff like that he gets mad and says he’s tired of me .. I don’t know if I should just leave or try to work things out but … Today I es about to leave and he said ” do whatever you want I don’t care anymore ” but I’m still here an I don’t know if I should of left … Can somebody help me or give le some advise on why I should do … I live him but I don’t trust him at all ..!!

  • FlyGirl

    Hi there, I have been with my husband for 8 year, we have a 3 year old daughter together and I just dont know what to do anymore. I lost my job, our daughter is in daycare, and he goes to work and makes all “his” money. He tells me this over and over again, its “MY MONEY’, like he wants to make me feel like crap.

    Everything was great for the first 3 years, then everything started going down hill, then went back up, and down, so on and so fourth. I have recently put on some weight, and I think maybe its because of that. He has told me that I look bigger and I need to lose weight, which is fine, cuz I knew I had to anyways. But yet, he is still not ther emotionally or physically anymore. We cant even have a conversation without one of us getting mad at something.

    We’re always arguing, and fighting, and ignoring eachother from fights and Im so sick of it. Im emotionally drained from trying sooo hard, and planning date nights, and planning all these fun activities, but yet all he wants to do is write (hes an artist). He doesnt even spend much time with his daughter anymore. its all about his damn music.

    One day he will be all mad n stuff, then the next week hes all good and then I feel guilty for feeling how i was feeling. Oh, and we dont even talk about our feelings anymore. If I do, he gets mad and storms off!!!

    I just dont know what to do…. *sigh*

  • amw

    I hear all of you and in the same position. Married over 15 years with 3 kids, 9, 10 and 15, and husband checked out years. I feel I am being punished because I have been a SAHM for 13 years. I had kids late, and currently in my early 50’s. Husband refuses to give me any money at all, and recently stopped paying some personal bills that he used to in the past, and has effectively ruined my credit. Now, I am not saying that it is his responsibility, but the deal was I stay home with kids, he goes to work. He also pays for online sex and has numerouls online affairs. He can pay to have sex over the internet, but he denies me, “his wife” anything at all. All accounts are in his name and I have no access, I don’t even know how much he makes. He keeps all financial information locked up, and he does this out of “control” and the need to hide things. I also feel trapped, have NO money of my own, and if I divorce, he will lie and do whatever he can to have me not get anything. Have tried looking for pro bono representation, and no one wants to touch a client when they k now no money will be forthcoming. I do know that he makes around 70,000 a year gross. But he spends it all too. He does support his kids, but has recently refused to pay his daughter’s tuition bill. Go figure. I also believe he is dissipating the paycheck on outside interests as well. Feel I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. We do not talk, and he has been staying in the basement for years. He also tells my kids that “it is all my fault.” I don’t fall for this, but that is his perception. He will not file for divorsce because then he will have to pay. “Cheaper to keep her” and he is also having his cake and eating it too. Probably too cushy to let go. I did ask for marriage counseling and was pretty much told it would be a waste of time. I could go on and on. I feel for all SAHM’s out there in the same position, and experiencing the same abuse.

  • Confused

    I’m 25 and my husband is 32. We haven’t been married long. I’m his 3rd wife, I didn’t judge him, everyone makes mistakes. Well, he cheated on me a couple of months ago, and he used to drink really bad. Now he doesn’t drink or cheat, but I’m unhappy with him. I really just wanna leave, but I’m afraid to stand on my own two feet. I dont have a job and I’m a full-time student. I do love him, but everything changed when he cheated and I am constantly reminded of his “mistake” because the woman goes to my college and has classe with me. She doesnt know me but I know who she is and i wanna just smack her, but its not her fault, I didnt marry her, I married him. I mean we dont have much invested in this marriage, should I leave? Also he can’t have any more kids, and I would like to have another kid someday. His first wife convinced him to get a vasectomy when he was just 24. He didn’t tell me until after we were married and we were trying to conceive for a year that he was unable to have children. Well I do love him but i am no longer in love with him, after he cheated it broke trust and w/o trust and communication we have NOTHING, right?

  • summer

    Lee, I complete understand you. To all the ladies, I thought I was the only one. I have been married to my husband 3 months now. Same as Lee I met him online. WE got married, I met with him overseas, and then applied for his Visa to come here. He says he loves me, but again same issues as lee, I found out he was chatting with other women on Facebook like he would talk to me when we first met. He call them honey, sweetie, my dear, and even sends them kisses, and tell them that he is not with no one, and that I am his roommate. He even tell women he has met online that he has never met that one they will meet, and girls reply to him as if he is single, and hope to have relationship with him. My question is> WHY in the world if you are married still be interested in chatting, and wanting meet up with other women if you married. ON facebook, he has his page on private so that no one not even me can see his posts, and relationship status. I am not allowed to be friends with his friends on facebook, and I am not allowed to view his facebook (logging into his account). We argue about everything, because he doesn’t understand me, and English is his second language. He says that I am chunky, and that I need to look at myself in the mirror, and realize that I am not princess for him to open doors for me. He tell me to shut up when I try to communicate and tell him my feelings. I do everything for this man and yet he says I do nothing for him. I cook, clean, and work. He is not working, and doesn’t even do chores around the apt. when I am away work. I come home tired, cook, clean, and yet I am taxi driver to all his needs, because he is not able to drive yet, because he is adjusting his status as a permanent resident here. SO he can’t get a license. I sacraficed a lot for him and he still says I do nothing for him. I pay for everything, the only thing helps out with is half of rent, and the rest is on me. He says that I am worst, and everything I touch turns into shit. I am heart broken, and I tell him that if he gets angry with me because I tell how I feel when I am suppose to talk to him to resolve things. He doesn’t care if cry myself to sleep. He has no emotion. He threatens me that he will leave me if I continue to complain. I don’t want to disappoint my family, and I wanted my 1st marriage to be last and only one. I am starting to feel this is isn’t the case. It is very hard right now, I don’t know what to do.

  • Jay

    Lolly- please leave him, he doesn’t deserve you. He’s treating you so badly and messing with your head- you deserve better. I was like you lost, not sure which way to turn but I stayed with him and thought I was doing the right thing. Down the line you will realise that this has made you stronger and that you don’t want him now that he has shown his true colours. I know it is scary after being together for so long but you are young enjoy your life, be brave and go for it x

  • Too young to go through this

    My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married dfor 3. Honestly, sometimes I forget. Dates used to be so important with me, but when we have bills and responsibilities, things don’t always get celebrated anymore. So to feel like it’s not a big deal, I try to forget about them.

    My husband is a nice guy. He works hard, shows a decent amount of affection, is very supportive in my work and loves me. I love him, but I have to be honest, I’m not in love with him. When I met him I had my heart broken by my previous boyfriend who I was head over heels for. Then my husband came along, so different and steady. It was what I really needed. However, I’ve felt for a long time that I’m not attracted to him, that every little thing he does just irritates me, and that I’d be better off alone.

    I’ve always been able to count on him to be the financially responsible one, then recently he learned that he wasn’t having enough taxes taken out. Small thing, but it irritates me that he overlooked it and now has to work overtime because he didn’t look into these things. I’m a much different person than when we first met, and I’m afraid that we are growing apart.

    I’ve tried to talk to him about it and tell him my feelings but he always dismisses them or says, it’ll be ok, we love each other. But I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM!!! And I’m at my wits end. I’m not happy to admit this, but I’ve even thought of having an affair, something that is so repugnent to me, that I can’t believe I’ve thought of it.

    What do I do? I can’t talk to any of my friends, we’re all such “good christians” that they would never want to hear about divorce.

  • Vee

    I’ve been married for 10 yrs, together for 17; we’ve been together basically for half my life.
    I love this guy more than I can say and he must love me to have dealt with and stuck around for the things I’ve done.
    While he’s my bestfriend and that’s the glue that keeps us together, I feel that I do all of the trying in this relationship. From spicing up the sex life, to literally doing every romantic, affectionate & doting thing out there- he just doesn’t reciprocate. Occasionally we’ll have the fight (or should I say “I fight”) over lack of emotion, attention & affection; then the “trying” will come for a short minute & it’s gone again. Idk that I can deal with it anymore & I’m rather exhausted of giving in & getting over it time & again. It sucks, isn’t fair & why should I have to accept it if he’s hardly understanding or attempting to!? Yet I fear the loss of my bestfriend….

  • Cheryl

    I have been married for 13yrs (been together for nearly 16 yrs in total)and we have 2 children age 14 and age 8. I also have a son age 19 from a previous relationship.
    Lately, my husband has begun to intimidate me by throwing things at me.
    What makes me scared is that he appears to enjoy making me cry and actually smiles at my being upset. It is usually at this time that he tells me that I can’t have this or I can’t have that. He is so immature for a 51yr old man. He is 10yrs older me and I can’t believe how juvenile he becomes when is angry with me either because I’ve bought the wrong brand of something for the house or I haven’t told him about something or rather. I tell him everything and most times I tell him 2 or 3 times; the same thing!!!It’s just that, he only listens when he wants too and usually; that is never. Somehow he gets angry for something he either didn’t listen too properly or something he has misunderstood.
    I am now often scared, tired, angry and hurt.
    All we ever do is argue.
    We have no common interests.
    I don’t believe that there is any love in my marriage.
    I don’t think I have the courage to leave….but one day, I am going to have find that courage…..for my own sanity.
    At the moment; I can’t stop crying.
    It’s like I’m grieving – grieving over the loss of a marriage!!!!

  • Unhappy

    I am number one to blame…
    Of course the beginning of love is magnificent …. then the fairytale ends eventually.

    I have been together with my husband for 11yrs and married 8yrs this week. I was 19 and he was 26 when we met. Moved in quickly … things were great. Then I got pregnant at 20 …. he didn’t want it. “We’re too young …. we don’t have enough $$ to raise a child” … etc – the usual coward bs. After 3 month of me crying and constantly upset – I gave in and terminated my pregnancy. March 9th I should have gone with that child – the worst thing I have ever done.
    I could blame him easily for pressuring my at such a young age … but I had the ultimate say… I’ll always hate myself for going ahead with it. His sister found out she was pregnant the day before – this made everything so bad for me – I was just a mess and so upset and nobody to talk to – who do you talk to about something like this?

    After that he told me his ex-wife had an abortion when they were married and it wasn’t hard for her to get over … he couldn’t understand why it was so hard for me to move on. I had Post-traumatic stress after that (quietly) – he seen my depression and upset. He ignored it and so did I.
    His sister had a heart transplant due to her pregnancy – Perri-cardiomyopathy (terrible thing) so when this happened I put my life and demons on hold and tried to help as much as I could for his family.
    A year and a bit went by and his sister got better – so our lives became a little more normal after that time. He proposed … I said yes. Started making plans for the wedding after some time. That didn’t turned out the way I planned again. His mum and dad thought that none of his family from Scotland should be asked over again because they had been once before (he had been married before) and they didn’t want their daughter being bothered with visitors. So that cause a fight between him and his mum and dad in the middle of my kitchen – a brawl actually.
    SO yet again – I sacrificed …. what was the point of just having all my family at the wedding. So I suggested having the wedding down south with just immediate family. It lovely actually – but not the ideal wedding I should have had and deserved.

    Marriage was rocky – very rocky.

    Then I got pregnant with my son – finally I am so happy again. He was and is the love of my life. Guess when he was born.. March 9th (recall the date above)…. karma. I am a very very lucky girl for my boy. He just turned 6 – amazing wee thing.

    The last 2 years my husband and I have totally lost each other and alost hate each other. Main reasons … I have a lot of bad memories that haunt me ad I often wonder why … why did I settle after the abortion? And he doesn’t want any more children – just our one.
    Why did I settle?
    LOVE? He shows no love … he’s not compassionate … I don’t get along with his family (they don’t get along with anyone btw).
    11 years together … no date nights just hockey tues/thur and every sat.
    If he wants something – he gets it or builds it. If I want something … lol not happening.

    Total one-sided relationship. And I am still here in it. Thats why when I say I am to blame – its true. I just don’t know how to finish it … how to leave … how I help my son get through it. I think that’s one of the big reasons I am still in this relationship – cause of my son. I don’t want him to be upset and split his family up.

    I don’t know how to fix it … we’ve been to a marriage counselor. And I don’t think she even knows what to do with us. Who has this much baggage and stays together – ? I don’t think a lot of couple’s marry after a one-sided abortion. Most girls are smart and split after that don’t they?

    If you are anti-abortion and are reading this … I get that you would hate me. But if you knew me and didn’t know what I did in the past you would probably really like me and think that I am a really good mum to my boy. So please don’t judge and write bad stuff about me … If I could change back time I would have never of done it and I would have been a single mum. Some woman have no problem at all terminating a pregnancy – that’s their business and I would never judge them because its their business, body and decision… they have their reasons.

    So here I am … 11 years later. Unhappy in my 30’s, being told I won’t be having anymore children, bored, not much a sex life and constantly mourning an terrible thing I did …. for a man. How did I deserve this and why did I settle … why am I here. I guess a lot of ladies on this wall are thinking the same thing.

    Anyways I just thought I would share my story and release some stress. You never know my story my help you in so many ways – I hope it does.

    Not sure whats going to happen, but the “thought” of living divorced is mentioned quite a bit between us. I wish I knew what the right answer was … I probably already do but am too stupid to hear it within.

    I just hope that someday I will be happy in life and within again –
    I forget that feeling.

  • me

    lee, i know where you are coming from? i had the same issue. you just got married so he still thinks he is single. give it a chance. the first 2 years of marraige are hardest

  • Pinky

    I am the most ungrateful of wives. I have a man that helped me raise my children. their father died in a car accident. now my children have a dislike for him, thats an understatement. we have no physical relationship. he is kind respectful and polite. He pays his part of the expenses. There has been so much resentment over the years. I feel I have chosen him over my children since none of them live with us and dont come around mainly because of him. We started counseling and he says he goes for me. he doesnt respond to my concerns because he is protecting me. he has gone to the Dr. to make sure that theres no physical reason for his lack of interest. My first husband was abusive. My present husband has never raised a hand to me. Why am I so unhappy. Well till I fiqure that out I will see what counseling has to offer.
    We have a good life. just cant get right.

  • Lolly's dispair

    Hi folks, I am sad to read of sooooooooooooooo many RATS out there, causing all this hurt, but I’m glad I found the site.
    Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Mery, for gods and your own sake LEAVE HIM….! Get yourself some counselling help and put some real distance between you and him, you have a real chance at happiness so go for it your still very young you have all your life ahead of you, go for it. x

    I have been married to my OH for almost 36-years, yes I know you get much less for life. My OH is 12 years older than me and he’s a verbal bully. Five years ago he turned 60, I organised his big party etc, he invited all his work friends and one female friend (also from work) he’d always given her derogative silly names, but I saw little signs back then that things didn’t add up, no I thought I just dismissed them? Anyhow lots of little things happened over the last 5 years, like my 50th birthday, NO PRESENTS, NO PARTY, nothing, he said well you had a holiday didn’t you? She came around to our house for coffee a few times I found her there with him when I dashed home on route to a meeting. One day when he was at work, she came around stood on my doorstep and told me SHE LOVED HIM, like no one else could… I told her to go, wish I’d slapped her face now. But I thought she wasn’t 100% because my OH had always called her madcow and dippy? NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY. OMG I know your all thinking I must be so stupid, but I never distrusted him, I’m the younger woman, slimmer too, she is the same age as him 65? No she isn’t loaded she has no money at all.
    Slowly more nagging feelings have been creeping up on me, things not adding up, he went to the loo and be on his mobile phone in there for 15 mins talking quietly at 12:45am when he’d just got in from being out at the pub with his mates he said all evening! But when I ask what’s going on, he got very angry/ defensive etc, turned it all around to my fault “your allowed friends aren’t you, I don’t quiz you? etc” Lots of little things that didn’t add up, together with the fact that we haven’t made love in 5 1/2 years, again all my fault, 1st he didn’t find me attractive, then it was the meds he was on then his infection, now it’s his age thing but he won’t go to see the doctor despite a promise at Christmas that he would? But he’s developed into a pathological Liar I cannot believe anything he says. Even when he’s found to be lying he gets very angry and blames me?
    We went away at Christmas and on our return I found a card, a love poem and some small gifts photos etc all addressed to him sitting on the kitchen table, open, they’d been opened, forgotten and left there. I read it all, he was unpacking the car etc, then I confronted him with it all…… He started denying it then he was in a relationship with someone else and he loved her and he wouldn’t give her up ever so I’d better not ask. And anyway WE had nothing in common did we???
    NO I said ONLY 3 KIDS, 5 GRANDKIDS and many busy years together, touring Europe, building houses etc… I’m ashamed to say I sobbed like a baby, I couldn’t help it? He told me he’d give me the house he’s look after me etc…. I’d don’t believe that, he’s famous for being mean by all family and friends.
    I couldn’t stop crying, but he started to say he may come and join me when he’d had some time to think.. I packed up loads of my stuff into the car and drove back up to the country cottage we’d been staying in over Christmas over 220 miles away. I wish I’d been strong, he up a few days later and we decided to try and put it behind us and start again. But that was New year and things haven’t changed AT ALL…. Oh yes at first we went out every other weekend for a meal, all of 3 times. But he’s going on his own just as often, if not more. He’s was making all the same excuses and being just as invasive and got angry at me today when I pointed it out? Am I mad or what?
    Well I’ve recently left a part time job where I was unhappy, for another job but then found out they had misled me over several issues, so I don’t want to work for them. My OH being true to his bully nature insists I have too. He wants me out at work? Although I do work a few hours in a school and I teach one evening in a college etc. I have been thinking of leaving him once and for all, and because I don’t have as many commitments maybe this is the right time? I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to survive??? I wish I’d had the courage to have done it years ago. Am I too old to start afresh, should I just be happy with my lot in a loveless relationship, am I past sex now anyway? Surly not cuddles? Or should I just ignore his lies, deceit and his going out and just carry on blindfolded?
    I know I’ve been slow or stupid he tells me that enough. I’ve been in a fog, that’s what it feels like anyway and it neeeds to clear?
    Sorry this is very LONG, like last post off ‘Mercy’ I don’t have anyone to tell. I would love to tell our daughter but she’s recovering from breast cancer and an X violent marriage and I cannot tell my boys so I have no one.
    Thanks for reading my plea for help or advice :0(

  • Marilyn

    Hello ladies

    Well this is my issue I have been with my husband for 13 years 6 married we have a beautiful little girl who we both adore. My problem is his lack of financial responsibility, we cant apply for a lower interest rate on our mortgage because of him, we pay higher auto insurance because of him. I cant’ go out to nice dinners because of him, he barelly has any money left to do so, if i want to go I’ll pay him his dinner. To make things fair, he pays 1/2 of all the house bills and my son’s college loan payments who is from my 1st marriage. Please correct me if im wrong i can take it! I feel that he makes more money than me, if I can afford to take HIM out to dinner and go on vacations why can’t he, I pay the same bills he does! He doesnt save money, he leave me to buy everything our daughter needs like clothes and shoes her bed! I mean he will buy her pampers and milk when I ask but its like I have to constantly remind him of his responsibilites. I do love him dearly, we do have fun together, we do everything together for that fact, shopping, hang out…everything! he doesn’t have any driking problems or drug problems. I do believe he is faithful but I wont put my hands in the fire for anyone, i did once and got burned ;/ ..this has been going on for 13 years I always end up here frustrated and hopeing that he will someday get it together, I have even went as far as paying his truck off 1400 because he kept complaining that the reason why he couldn’t take me out to dinner was because he had that car payment, well guess what that payment became another car payment! there is always something new, a new reason why he doesn’t do for me other than what he gives me weekly,..and if I ask him for somethign extra for the house, he’ll say that he gives me money for the house! so I end up fixing or paying whatever emergency expenses come up…to work on the house forget it, its another project I have to almost beg him to fix things, and at that I have to buy the materials, he’ll say he doesn’t like construction and that its my house! On the other hand he is loving he is supportive to my 2 kids from my previous marriage, my family likes him, my mother adores him so does my dad he practically raised my 2 eldest we talk about anything and usually agree, he is very confusing, I love him, I love my daughter so so much that I don’t want her to grow up without a father as I did…and she adores her daddy so much it breaks my heart to think of leaving her with out him, i know im to blame I pretty much knew he was this way and kept making excuses for him, hoping that one day he would grow up…but its not happeing, now im 37 years old with a 2 year old and dont’ know what to do…Is him beeing financially unstable good enough reason for me to leave him? We have discussed this issure over and over we come up with budgets and financial plans that he NEVER keeps, we even went to counceling. I think this is it for him, even though as I type this he made another promise, another commentment he says im his life and he would do anything for me and the kids…but his actions speak louder than his words…

    thank you,

  • Unlimited

    Oh Mercy!! It does not have to be this way! You must, must make decisions that are good for you. That keep you healthy in every way. Your husband is killing you from the inside out. Make it stop! Seek help from family, friends, local womens shelters, etc. to get help, but this relationship will be the biggest regret of your life if you stay. If you leave it can still be a lesson learned. You have so much worth and potential and you don’t need a man to make you valuable. I am usually not so direct, but your story is too big for me not to say something in hopes that you will choose your own life and the wonderful life you can have. It’s not too late! I wish you strength, healing, and ultimately love and happiness.

  • laura

    We’ve been married 4 3 yrs now he’s a good man he just has issues with his past he has not hit me in the last yr he has been getting anger managment I’m glad I helped him but I wish I could leave I’m tired of tryin 2 help him with his issues he takes one step forward and 2 back I love him but I don’t no if I’m in love with him I can’t trust him he can’t have any electronics and he’s so immature only good thing about him is he has a job and we have an amazing baby boy but he lies even when he nos I saw something he claims he didn’t and after awhile he admitts 2 it and crys but I don’t think he is really crying I think he fakes so I get even madder and walk away I wish I had a better marriage I’m only 22 I hate being around him I think I al2ays try 2 start a fight I will admit it he hurt me so much I want him 2 feel bad and it works he will b loving and good 4 like 3 days but then back 2 same stuff with the porn or paying for phone love or getting txt from them tryin 2 get him 2 call and pay I don’t like it I tryed everything I’m embarrased 2 go 2 marriage counseling I don’t no if he’s worth it I’m so confused though

  • someone confused

    where to start… i am married to a man who is 11 years my senior. I am his fourth wife. We have two toddlers together. When we first met i was highly attracted to him. so we where friends for a lil while. then i got pregnant. he didnt want to be with me but he didnt want me to be with anyone else either.. that should have been my warning there. but i was 18 and being purposely naive. so i did as he asked. little did i know he was seeing someone else.. well all that aside, we got together a month before i gave birth to my son. i would stay at his house will he was at work and go see my dad on the weekends. i started to notice that he didnt want me to go to my dads. after a while it got to the point that when i had a job for a short time, he would call me the whole time and want me to try to get off work early and come home. pretty soon all i did was stay at home and take care of my family. i got pregnant with my second child when my son was 4 months old. at the time i saw that he was isolating me from everyone but, this was my first really serious relationship and i didnt want to rock the boat. so i didnt argue about the things that he was doing. but now im sick of it. are one year anniversary is in april and honestly i’m dreading it. i will be the first wife that has made it a year with him. i felt sorry for him before because he seemed like such a sweet guy, i couldn’t understand why none of his other marriages worked. he has no other children previously. he is so impatiant with my kids. when someone asks him how they are the first thing he ends up saying is “they are being really defiant and wont listen to anything” keep in mind i have a 2yr old and a 1yr old. all he wants to do is yell at them and doesnt want to try other ways to teach them. the other day his mom asked how they were and he said they were acting like swine. that is my last straw. i cant go anywhere for even 20min without getting texts and calls telling me he cant take dealing with them. but he says if i go back to work he can watch them because he doesnt want them in daycare. am i the only one who thinks he just wants to control everything his way?

  • lee

    hello there,
    actually my problem is big and i feel am getting depressed
    i don’t know why my luck drove me to this person
    i suffer in pain and silence,
    the problem is that divorce means big word in my culture even my parents are totally depressed now
    me who choose him and i knew him online, he appeared or pretended to be religious man which can’t find his dream girl and i believed
    i insisted to marry him although my family wasn’t happy for that as he is of different culture and obiviously we dont know him well
    after our marriage i discovered that he chat women and girls online even he had sex chats also in past
    and after marriage his messages may contain love words to them as well and when i caught him, he said it’s nothing and just for fun and he just got used to it and need time to quit
    we r been married for 4 months only now
    and again i found him asking a girl for her phone number, he hide it when he saw me but i could later open his skype and saw the chat
    he said it was innocent and that he thought she was my aunt and he got confused with her
    it seems whenever he get chance he do this
    and he fools me
    he lie too much when i ask him and saying that he loves me only
    am very depressed i wish death in every moment, my life is like hell with doubt
    even am afraid to go to visit my family and leave him as he may hook with anyone in my absence
    i feel i dont care abt him any more but i feel hurt too and being fool
    once i discovered his facebook account he got mad on me and beat me also
    and again appologize
    i need help please i feel i will kill myself
    no support and my family blames me 4 my choice
    it’s not easy and am hopeless he will change
    even he says it i won’t change and u cant control me if i want to betray u i can do it for nothing
    plz what should i do?
    how can i face this?
    is there any solution?
    or should i leave?
    i think about leaving him and not to return to my family either
    am very smashed inside
    regret marrying him but am trapped now what can i do? please help

  • My fault?!

    Im after some guidance. I have been with my partner 9 years and married for 5 of them. We have a 3 year old and a 9month old. Throughout our relationship he has had drinking problems and because we have grown up in a regional area drinking amongst footy clubs is common and expected. He is now 30 and still seems to think he is 18. He is a fantastic father to the kids and when he is not drinking we get along so well. The first time I noticed the drinking was everytime we went to a social outing he had to be tipsy before we left and by the time we got home he was well and truely drunk. So overtime we socially withdrew beause each time we went out it turned in to a argument. Then because I didnt like the drinking he started drinking bottles out the shed without me knowing. When I found them he would say they are from ages ago. After a big binge he would tell me about it and be really sorry. He has stopped drinking on so many occassions and after a month he starts off with one or two after work and within a few months back to a 6 pack at night. He lsot all his friends because of his drinking but has one friend who hounds him to hang out and wants him to get drunk at stay out until 3 in the morning. He doesnt hang out with this friend when he is trying to get fit etc but when he does hang out with him he doesnt tell me. He has now started lying to me about everything! where he is and what he doing. He says its my fault and how I react to him telling me. I told him that I just want to the truth and I hate finding out second hand and maybe if he thinks I will react bad then he shouldnt be doing it. He said that he knows he has to get my trust back again because of all the things he has done, but he seems to think trust is full restored after a week of him being honest and any further insecurities is my fault. I feel shattered that I have been nothing but honest with him throughout our entire relationship. When he had the drinking binges I helped him get help and he even admitted he needed help and went seeking help, but he only does this for a month or so and then it slowly creeps back. Also usually when he pulls up on the drinking it seems like he substitutes it by then increasing his betting on horses, which in turn creates money issues between us. He tells me to control the money and not let him have access cos he rekons he will spend it all but then when I do control it, im the bad guy. He has a credit card for work purposes and that is what he is betting on. Its like he is so good as a partner and father most of the time but when he loses it i lose all trust again. When he does lose it im talking drinking during the day on the weekend with a bottle hidden and then just leaving in the car or on foot and not returning until 3am. He thinks that this is normal every now and then and its just me. But he is 30 and a father!!! I have been on the rollercoaster or binge drinking, get fit, slowly increasing the drink with him for years now. I even encouraged him to get out and meet new friends because that will make him feel better. Im not the grumpy wife who demands him home all the time and know everything that he is doing every minute, I just want the truth when I ask something. Now its my fault?! AM I THE UNREASONABLE ONE HERE? AM I EXPECTING TOO MUCH? SHOULD I GET OVER THIS OR LEAVE? IS THERE BETTER OUT THERE? Im so confused. I love him to death but without trust where do we go? Its like he violated the trust but its my job to repair it?

  • Mercy

    …where to begin? Got together with my current husband in 2005, while at the time I was someone elses wife. This man was fresh out of prison and on worker’s comp from after having an amputation of the fingers on his left hand. When I met him the attraction was amazing. We had long car rides, windows down, music up…picnics at the lake, and our love life was anywhere, anytime. He was tall, well built and had all these amazing ideas. He swept me off my feet and we moved away from my hometown and ex-husband to his hometown 6 hours away. It was rough we were extremely poor but happy. He was still unable to work and recieving a small check so I got a job at a resturaunt. Problems began. I was too “work oriented” because when I got home I wanted more than anything to share my experiences of the day with him. “You leave work at work.” So, we stopped communicating about our days. He stayed home at first the house was clean, then he started collecting dogs. The house gradually went down hill. Mind you, when I say house…I mean 27 foot 1970’s camper trailer. But, it was a home. He has extreme family issues and those caused us to be forced to pack up and move and take me away from my job, and my new found friends and life. I didn’t want to go. But, we moved back to my childhood home with our trailer in tow. Jobs became a problem because of my “work obsession.” Friends non-existant because of personal reasons on his end and my pure embarassment of the condition of my home despite waging daily war with a bleach bottle. After much argument he “started” his own business. Which lead to our now on going and permanent problem…the next door neighbor. I grew up next to these people and have known them my whole life. We began working for this man all the time. Then, my husband got the crazy idea of couples swap. Which worked fine while the neighbor was with his gf of 8 years. They parted ways which left things 3 sided. Between work and already being lifelong friends it blossomed into a deep and respectful love. I left my husband for 1 month for this other man. This man that allows me to feel more myself, more alive than anyone. After a month of guilt, and begging…I gave in and went back to the little trailer I hate. My husband decided it was time to run away with me again. We left for 2 months and a whole slew of legal issues ensued. My husband went to jail which forced me to pack up and move home with nothing, no money, no job, and at this point everything we own is trash. He’s now out on bond…awaiting a trial for a charge that carries between 2 and 10 years. I am still desperately in love with our neighbor. And, apparently he with me. We have random meetings where we hug and cry and wonder how our lives ended up this way. Simple…my fault. He’s now with a great woman that he doesn’t love. I am with my husband that is extremely selfish, controlling and solitary…and I do not love him. But, I’m stuck. We’ve split up before and I always come back to him. He’s disabled, no hopes, no dreams, no ambitions (which he blames on me). No friends, no family…nothing. He reminds me of this all the time and typically blames me. I ask myself everyday why I went back. I do not love this man. I love my best friend, and we pathetically sneak around as he loves me back. Not all of these acts are sexual…some of it is just hugging and crying. When I leave my husband…he tracks me down…or I just come back. He needs me to the point I hate him. I am ambitious…in the times he’s been in jail or prison over the years I take the business he should be running and make it something amazing. I earn money, I have friends, I reunite with my family and I have a life. Until the day I bring him home in misery and dread. But, yet I get called selfish on a daily basis. I’m giving him my life…I’ve been with him since I was 18, I’m 25 now. How much life can I spare to give? I often wish it would all end just so I can be free of him. But, not suicidal…more life I could wake up in Tijuana and be anyone but me. *sigh* That’s my story…sorry I know it’s long. But, I have no one to tell…and I have to tell it all for it to really make sense.

  • jolene

    I’ve been married for 36 years. I had an accident and my arm was out of the socket. Following the accident my husband wanted to look at my arm. He kept trying to take the arm out of the sleeve of my blouse. I refused to let go of my arm. Holding it against my chest It angered him and he made me set for sometime. He came around to my side of the vehicle and told me because I would not let him look at it, I was goint to wait 10 minutes more. When we were finally on our way to the hospital, he tormented me. I think we’re lost I don’t know the way. After a while he produced a cell phone that he had known was there. He said he didn’t know where the hospital was. I told him to call 911. He closed the phone and threw it on the dash, because it was a phone from another state and 911 wouldn’t help me in the current state. I pleased and he finally called. My arm ended up being paralyzed due to the nerve damage. It took much physical therapy to get a degree of use back. I only mentioned his behavior to my physical therapist, not the dr. I was afraid of him and slept with a knife under my pillow. When my arm got better I ran from him. He convinced me to come back. I did. But the trust was gone. he continued to do things. Take me places and act as though he loved me and when he realizes that I might be having somewhat of a good time, he takes it by being angry or unhappy about something. Always critical of me. I’ve left again. I’m struggling. He is leaving me messages on phone about my ruining his rep. He tells me I’m a liar and my kids are begining to see the real me. While I was with him he tried to convince me that what happened after my accident didn’t happen. He says that I need to work so my mind will heal. When I do work he takes the money. Controls it all. I’m tired mentally drained. I also feel a numbness much of the time. No there is no one else. I have always loved him with all my heart. I don’t love him now. He made my life except for my children, a lie. Now he wants them to believe his lies about me. I haven’t been trying to spread anything about him. I just can’t be with him. And that does hurt. I just needed to talk. Thank you



  • Ashley

    I meet my husband 9 years ago and have been married for 4 years everything was great until we got married. He has kids I don’t have any children. I meet him when I was young, now we’ve brought a home together his two children live with us. Sex isn’t even brought up unless where both wanting it other than that there’s nothing there. I’m not attracted to him at all and I don’t blame him if he feels that way towards me now. He has self esteem issues and always have so it tends to rub on me and I end up looking like a slob.
    He lives in a world where the mans the provider and well the women stays at home and cooks, cleans and looks after the kids. He’s not possessive so after all that’s done I’m free to go out.
    Shopping, but I can’t shop all day every day! Though if I do go out its not anytime after three so forget about going out to watch a movie with my friends or have dinner that’s way out of the question.
    We fight a lot and don’t really argue on anything his mind of thinking is very different to mine. He has great parents I’ve never had my parents in my life so I’m very much close with his mother which makes it a lot more harder for me to leave.
    My husband has been married twice and has children to both.
    I haven’t felt feelings for him in over two years we try different things to help us along but nothing seems to work he knows that where skating on thin ice but we both find it hard to leave the relationship

  • Numb Wife

    To Marie:

    Wow, we have the same issue; my husband always wants to play his video games instead of spending time with me. He says I nag. I say, I can’t read your mind, talk to me. Just back from a trip with friends; I didn’t even want to come home. And now I’m not sure if I want to even try to save this smoking ruin of a marriage. My weight is a huge issue for HIM. He’s gained a lot of weight in the last 15 years, but I love WHO he is, not HOW he looks. He says his weight gain is ok because he’s a man. Can you believe that? How many times have girlfriends told me he’d drive them crazy if they were with him? and how they don’t know how I stand him. I want him to move out but we can’t afford separate places and have a lot of debt. No children, three dogs that are like children… sometimes I don’t even care if he does love me or not; I just want to tell him to have a nice life and get out of mine. We are going to counseling; at least we’re trying to keep things civil. I wish I could become a robot and turn off my feelings; I’d be happier that way, I think.

  • Elli

    Hi ladies, OMG I am so relieved to know I am not alone in this situation. I’ve read some of the responses and I could relate. Well my story is… I’ve been married for almost 7 years, my husband is 16 years older than me.. We have 2 kids… I was doing the whole online dating when i met him, we dated for 6 months before I begged him to lets get married, at that time i thought i was deeply in love but now that I’m older i think it was more of a sexual attractions and a challenge for me… Not only that my parents were very overprotective that i wanted to move out, and marriage was my out, so i saw him as an older, stable man. But not knowing that it was far from that… He lived with his owned a house with his brother and their mom lived with them, so i figured that i would be a good addition. So after months of begging, i tricked him into telling my parents we were getting married, and did after only 6 months of dating. We had a whole bunch of sex every day all day for the first 2 years until my son was born, THEN things went down hill, i started having problems with the in-laws, and my husband would defend me nor stick up for me. So i let it slide after i had my 2 child things got better with the in-laws… By this time we had sex maybe every 2 months and it was because i insisted, he never tells me he loves me nor that i am beautiful, nothing in more or less a roommate, we got along real good, like friends.. Now recently we’ve had money problems, I could say do to me,Ive recently developed a spending habbit, so I maxed his credit cards, so now in addition to no relationship, he resents me for our money situation. So we are both unhappy, BUT we don’t fight… So I want to leave, i just don’t know how or even if i should… He is a good man, father, but not a good partner. I don’t know what to do… Help please.

  • Tammy

    This is in a reply to Alexandra Smith. I am going through that myself. We got married almost 5 years ago. I have known him since I was 10 years old and im 26 now. He was the only person i had slept with. We started dating in 2002 got married in 2007. When we was dating he went off to his ex girlfriends house with his best friend for a “party” He lied to me about it told me he was going out of town with his friend. Then i got a call saying he was at his ex’s house. I was told he stuck his hands down her shirt but of course he denied it. So after that i for gave him and it was all good. We got married and it started again but this time I would send him a Tasty treat “pic” for when he would come home from work. Little did i know he was posting these pics online and getting a reply from guys wanting to sleep with me. Like he was getting off on it or something. He first denied it till i found them then he deleted them and i once again forgave him. Well Then he had some girl named April texting and calling him all the time from this chat room. We got his and I’s phone shut off and it stopped… Or so i thought. later on he begin to talk to this girl from his job and she was wanting to date him. He and I have a signature on our phones that says “tammy hubby” and I have his name wifey. well he deleted that and was calling and texting this girl all hours of the night. Well she turned out to be some drugie and went to jail so it ended i let it go. NOW He is texting MEN. He goes on to a hotline and has men sending him naked pics or videos and texting and calling them all hours of the night. It is going to be almost a year that he has been doing this to me. He refuses to admit it to me. He hides his phone. He told me he was bi curious along time ago and i let it go because there is tons of people like that. But i think he has turned totally gay. He just went out and bought me a new engagment ring bought himself a new phone and changed his number thinking it would STOP. It lasted for 2 months now he is back to it again. I even caught his “voice message” on this hotline saying he wanted to have sex with another man. I deleted his inbox for it thinking it would help and he just got a message from a guy today. We don’t have kids and i do not work. We have a house that will be paid off next year. I am SCARED to leave him and lose my house since i have been paying for it out of my own pocket with the money i make from my lawn service and not be able to afford anything. I am in HELL. I just want to die sometimes. I really wish i could have someone to talk to and go through this with. Since i have been with him i lost all my friends. I have no one but him. I know what your going through Alexandra Smith. It is so hard and it hurts so much. I wish you the best of luck. If you need a friend to talk i am here.

  • Mrsarnold

    My husband and i have been married for 3.5 years almost 4 and he was the sweetest guy ever when i first met him and we are best friends when we are not having a spat. He blames me a lot for the reason he drinks alot. He is manic depressive and can not work. There is help out there for people with an illness and a disability but he refuses to get any help. I have tried many times to convince him to try and he wont. He doesnt even come out anymore or do anything with me outside of the house. I love him but im not sure if i love him the same as i used to because of everything he has put me through. I dont want to stay with him because i feel bad for him but his depression is really dragging me down but he wont seek help. Im at my wits end but i really don’t know what to do.

  • Husband

    Well been married for 4 years got two kids 4 and 2 but I don’t know if I’m happy or not coz I don’t feel anything
    I know it’s weird but this is the way it is


    Very unhappy in a relationship after 12yrs husband doesn’t care lost interest all he does is play video games………very lonely when l do tell him that l am not happy he says its all my fault because l am always nagging………

  • Caroline

    My husband is 22 years older than me…… the Beggining I didn’t care, (my parents have 13 years difference and they have been happily married for 28 years) but after been married for 9 years I realize I’m so unhappy…..My husband and me can be 4 month straight without sex, and he doesnt care, if we get intimate with me is because I’m the one pushing for it,and he doesnt do anying during sex, he just lies down…he just doesnt care, he says he loves me but I think he is just used to me, he had been single for so long, that I think he thought I was the one, and unfortunately I’m not, we don’t have anything in common, We have 2 beautiful children, and that’s why I have staying in this relationship, we have had some money problems, we can’t afford the life style we used to have and that is killing him, so now he has started to drink, his mom was an alcoholic so I’m scared he will become an alcoholic too, and that’s the last thing I want , specially I don’t want my kids to see that their father drink everyday. And I can’t stand his drinking……
    This situation is destructing me, I don’t want to divorce and others see me as a failer, plus I don’t want to screw up my kids life growing up in a broken home, but living with him is making me a sad and angry person,…..I just want to be happy and share my life with someone that loves me and make me feel loved……thats all what I’m asking for,….li know I’m not an angel, I have my temper…..I don’t know why lately I’m having this thought of going out and meet other people, I don’t want to cheat but I met a guy a couple of years ago, we don’t see each other that often , we see each other in the coffee shop or the grocery store, he is so handsome and nice, there is some kind of attraction.l..,,, he knows I’m married and I have to kids, we really enjoy our conversations…….
    Please I need someone to guide me! Thank you

  • Imadupa

    I got married almost 3 years ago on 3.11.09. We’ve been together since 11.27.07. We lost our place where we were living due to him not doing community service. We tried to fight it, but we lost. No one would take us in when I was 19 weeks or so pregnant, then his half sister did. He got a job and kept it and my mom helped us get this apartment, He was mad that his hours were cut so he quit and hasn’t had a job since. He really hasn’t done much applying. He plays video games because he has nothing else to do. I just had a c-section and I’m not able to work yet. But the landlord wants to evict us for two months passed due. I went to get help from welfare and their tying. But the landlord isnt giving us enough time to find out. He knows we just had a newborn a week ago and that hes in the NICU, but he still doesnt seem to care. My husband wont talk to me about being evicted and I told him I was going to leave and take the baby with me, but can he get custody if he was evicted and doesnt have a job? I cant work yet, but I would have a place to go. Please answer before 3/6/12

  • Disappointed

    My Husband and I were Married after living together for 2 years.Everything was great in the begining,Then after 1 year marriage we had a baby. During my Pregnancy I lost my job, Which resulted in losing apartment and my car. After the baby was 6 months old I found another job but my credit is ruined. He went and bought himself a car and refuses to help me get another car. We got another apartment but he would’nt help pay rent so eventually got evicted again.Currently we are in a hotel and have been for 6mths!!!I have never lived like this.. when we started dating he was living in a efficiency lodge, he didn’t have anything so.. I thought” I could make him change” !!! I can’t continue to take care of him ,my daughter and son from prev relationship!! He has a drug addiction problem and he is 17years older than me. PLEASE SOMEBODY JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO??

  • Chantal

    My husband is a Great father and a great person, someone I truly do not want to hurt, but I no longer feel anything physicaly for him, our relationship has been one of many ups and downs, from being cheated on in the beginning of our relationship, to trying new things and questioning my sexual orientation (which I no longer question), to cheating on him later on and then both seeking something from other people without actually going through with it. My life has not been an easy one since I was a child and I think that maybe I am holding on to my husband because I am terified of actually being alone, it is not fair to him, like I said he is a great person and I feel like I am stopping him from meeting the person that he was destin to be with. Yes I was married before God but is this marriage something that I should work on or is it time to give myself a swiff kick in the but and let him find true happiness (I know he thinks he has it now, I don’t see how because he is unhappy as well) or do we keep up this relationship and see what happens?

  • ConfusedandDazed

    I have been married for 2 years to a man that I have known for 10 years. We had been close friends for many years before our marriage. He was changed to such a degree by his divorce from his previous wife that he is not the same person that I was friends with for all of those years. We separated in October because he was emotionally distant and let his daughter dictate how things were going to be in the house. He told me that it was over and stopped communicating with me. I decided to move on. I reconnected with an old friend and we slept together. On my part it was seeking comfort and companionship when I felt so alone and hurt. That next weekend my husband told me that he wanted to work things out. Two weeks later he invited me to his company party and we had been together ever since. This past week I found out that he asked the girl who lives in our house to sleep with him. He claims he was joking. The next night his best friend’s wife tells me about an incident that also occurred when we were separated. He made indecent comments to her and also asked her to sleep with him. Again he was joking. I admitted to him my infidelity and expect him to do the same. We are again separated and he is refusing to talk to me. He initially told me he wanted to work things out, but as soon as I paid the household bills he cut off communication. I know I was stupid to pay the bills, but I thought we were going to get back together again.

  • yellow

    Ladies, ladies, ladies!!!!! I am so amazed that I am not the only one who doesnt want to be married anymore! I am so confused about what I should do till I cant do anything! My husband is a wonderful dad to my 2 children, but a terrible husband! He doesnt know how to love me, and after 8 years of marriage you would think that he would get the point. I too have met back up with an ex from a long time ago, and my life has not been the same! I need serious counseling, because this situation is getting hot and heavy, but I cant find the strength to leave home! I have always grew up in the church, and have truly tried to be a christian woman, but I feel so lost right now, in life and in spirituality, because I dont know what to do! When we first were married, about a week or 2 after we were married, he physically abused me and has on several occasions, until about a year ago, when I finally stood my ground and said, if you ever put your hands on me again, I WILL LEAVE! Well, he has not since that particular day, but I always have a fear that he will eventually get mad enough one day, and do the same thing! On the other hand, about 3 months out of a year, he does not work, because of the type of work that he does, leaving me with all the responsibilities of keeping up the majority of the bills. This is getting so unbearable till I dont know what to do! I was always raised to know that the man is suppose to provide at all time, and yes I am to be the help mate, but not the provider, and that’s just the way I feel!!!! I can go on and on about my relationship, but the point is, I am very unhappy! I alsways say, life is to short, but I personally, dont know how to leave!!!!! Please give me some advice!!!!!

  • Bridget

    Im so torn with my feelings i have no clue what to do. My husband is a very good provider and great father but thats it. We have nothing in common or nothing to talk about. we never really fight we just dont talk and there is no sex in the relationship. I only married him because we had a child together and when we do argue he says he is only here for the child. I feel like he is a room mate in a collge dorm whom i really dont like but have to deal with. I made the biggest mistake of my life by getting married to this man and its physically & mentally killing me. I really dont know what to do im so lost

  • unconsolable wife

    Struggling wife, I can relate to u 100% Ive been marred 7 years and til this day I stillhave to struggle with the same BS of him ignoring me all the time. Half the timethats what starts the arguments. Hell just start being an azshole outta nowhere and then he’ll just start ignoring me and saying really hurtful things to me . Then he loses his temper and starts breaking thing and theartening me that has going to leave and all my family lives far away so hes the only thing I have and i depend off him for all my needs . andthe worse part of all of thisis that we have children together andwhen hethrows those tantrums my kids are the ones suffer so im thinking i shouldcall it quits already im tired of the samestuff all th time.

  • strugglingwife

    I have been married for 11 months now. Mine was an arranged marriage. My husband is a good person. But he is very egoistic and short tempered. Most of the times i don’t understand for what reason he is angry with me. He just starts blaming me for everything. He always thinks that what he does is always correct and he is always right. If i get angry or sad at something, instead of consoling me , he himself will gets mad at me. At the end i should go and apologize patch up with him for the mistake what he did. So whether its me who is angry or him , the patch job should be done by me. Sometimes i won’t even be knowing why he will be angry but i will be begging him to forgive me so that he can start talking to me. As soon as he gets upset he stops talking to me . Even if i cry for hours sleeping next to him whole night , he doesn’t even bother to care about me. He ignores me a lot . I can’t take his ignoring nature since i don’t know anybody in the country in which am living now. My parents and my whole family live in some other country. When ever he ignores me i feel like am going crazy. He is the only person whom i know , and it kills me to see him ignore me when am completely dependent on him. I have told him about this many times. But he doesn’t care about this. Should i divorce him??

  • confusedwife

    Well i met my husband when i was 15 he was 18. He was really mean to me in the beginning but i didnt care i love him. Well by the age of 16 i was pregnant. The relationship was good and bad just ups and downs. Im 23yrs. Now and have four kids 7 yrs and under. I argue with my husband all the time about the same thing. He is not as romantic anymore. I just think evrything we do is just a routine. He doesnt show his love towards me anymore. But i love him just tired of the situation. I recently started working after 4 yrs of being a stay a home mom. I met a guy at work and i feel some kind of attraction towards him. He is a really nice guy. And i really dont know what to do. I guess i want to feel loved and wanted. What should i do i mean i already have for kids at age 23

  • honest

    To the woman that says her ex-boyfriend was black mailing her.well let me say this I don’t believe your husband is truely upset I believe he probably suspected you slept with this ex I think your actions before the wedding bells should count because it took place before you made a vow to have and to hold and I know you took those vows you wouldn’t allow that to happen again.I pray you lose that friend of yours because he is not your friend because no matter how he feels about you he put you in a compremising position which is truely vindictive.allow your husband to do right now what pleases him don’t bother him he will be back home believe and pray and allow GOD to take over marriage and minister to your husband heart to forgive you and heal,and mend whatever has been broken don’t try to do it allow the lord.

  • honest

    Oh the woman with the husband that left her because of the ex-friend well that’s what the ex wanted who knows they both probably planed this.your husband probably knew all along about the friend I don’t think this was at all a shock to him.this is just an excuse for him to do as he pleases he feels his reasons are justified.sweetie dry your eyes and don’t worry he will be back home don’t bother him.when he comes home don’t question him either because he is starting off the union wrong not you.what you did before the marriage vows are cancelled because of the explained to him that’s it.when he comes home don’t even ask him anything just let him be everything would work its way out you both will be fine.because whatever he think he is doing out there the first thing anybody with a right mind would say to him you know you love your wife are you wouldn’t have married her and that’s going to eventually weigh a lot on him and he will come home:)

  • helen

    I’ve been married for over thirty years to the man who has physically and emotionally been my one and only. He developed type II diabetes ten years ago. Since then he’s gained a huge sickening, physically and aesthetically, amount of weight, hates to bathe and doesn’t unless he has an important job event or I actually get on my knees and beg him to because it’s too nasty and depressing to be around. He blames me for everything. He has erectile dysfunction but says it’s because I don’t stimulate him enough. He eats crap but refuses to eat my good cooking, says life’s too short to eat salads and “suffer deprivation.” He watches Nikelodeon obsessively, eyes bugging at the young girls there all bouncey and skanky. He stays up until three a.m. watching online p****graphy but doesn’t care if I have a sex life, it’s all about him. It’s always been about him. But, now I’m in my 50s and I’m tired, physically and emotionally. He doesn’t understand how depressing it is to me to be bombarded constantly by images of men of all ages and physical disabilities being gratified by eager young things with perfect bodies. I want to die. I think he wants me to die.

  • Nancy

    My story is a lot different. I have been married for 18 years and he is a great person and room mate but there has not been any itimacy for 5 years now. He has medical problems and I know he loves me but I’m not willing to live in a relationship that is more like best friends than a marriage. I’m having a very difficult time leaving him or should I say asking him to leave since he can not afford to make these house payments. I have been taking care of him for years and feel more like his mother than his wife. I’ve had several affairs to fill the void but always feel terrible about lying. I’m in counseling and she had helped me see that this is a very unhealthy relationship.

  • kate

    After my wedding my ex boyfriend asked me to leave my husband and marry him..I did not agree to this he started scaring me saying that he would show our old videos and pictures to him..He started scaring me and made me do things like made me introduce my ex boyfriend as my friend to my husband..Forced me to share my face book password with him..Calls me and makes me call and beg in front of him..My husband really hated him and even asked me not to keep in contact with him but i was scared if he might sent the pictures to him which might spoil our relation.Finally one day i had to tell out everything to my husband.He was sad for a while then he was ready to accept me.We had to stay apart for some time after this and again he started developing this feeling that i cheated on him.He is ignoring me he is not sharing his phone number or even letting me know where he is now.I am trying really hard to work this relationship out but he do-sent trust me.He says that i did a mistake by keeping in contact with him ..I don’t know what to do now.He do-sent reply back to anything i sent him..

  • Chris

    To A Heart Torn,

    My wife left me back in May of 2011. In October of 2011 I was diagnosed for the first time with ADHD. All I can say is please find a way to release your frustrations with the ADHD, but please don’t make permanent decisions. If he is anything like me, your husband probably doesn’t know what is going on, and doesn’t understand why you are so frustrated with him. Make time for yourself everyday and let him have the same thing. He has so many mood swings because it is so exhausting mentally to have ADHD. Let him have some space and don’t be offended, take that same time for yourself. Just please don’t end everything over something he can’t control.

  • pam

    I was married since 1985. When we were married at a wedding chapel in anaheim—-my uncle said ” remember you married HIM. I said what do you mean by that?
    In 1999 he ran off with our child that i litterly spent every waking minute with, when not at work—-madly in ah about these kids without hovering over them constantly.
    I was thier Dad and thier Mom–I did not take this away from my husband, he just had alot on his mind as he had a really tuff work schedule, i think.
    He was wonderful in the way that he allowed me to have so much time with the kids which really floated my boat. He wasn’t cruel to us but did’nt do that much talking usually.
    I regret very much that i could not get him to go away for the weekend with me when i felt him slipping away. My EX-sister in law came by…it’s not that she was an ex-it’s there was way more than they were telling me.
    Later a divorce came: someone worse, someone cruel as if a sick director–the divorce papers had another womans name on it–
    ( this didn’t happen after going to chavis and associates school way back-my life was actually improving)
    I was litterly left out of our entire life
    (no lawyer or mediation either)
    I called the bar association in calif and Nevada–but nothing.
    because of papers that had been illegally filed for relatives to cover themselves after taking my little brothers when i was a teenager. thinking i could not have gotten custody was a big mistake,but more controlling that this person and that all had ideas that would not benefit me, i just wanted them!. Thinking i could meet someone and get them still did not happen because the very person i later met, something his mind is caught up in!
    Someones absolutely vicious controlling nature continues even worse than before. I though am the one that looks very bad in this thing-
    I feel thrown out/ a hostage—No direct communication with my kids–these people have totally emploded a normal family until we made mistakes this a professional agency but without any formal plan for the safety of every concerned.
    Are you sure you wanta do this?( common sense with these people does not prevail)
    Love is a wonderful thing,a sometimes you marry someone that may have been a child actor and no one informs you, just telling him to talk to them cause they understand him. If that happens to you, don’t stay.

  • j.s.

    Ihave never heard of such marriage before in my life…… im so unlucky…being kicked away to the corner, like a dog, people say that he couldnt get better wife…. i care about him so much, but everytime i mention that- he shouts that he doesnt want me to do anything for him as he can do it himself….oh my God…… i wrote too much, im sorry for that

  • j.s.

    He does nothin to support me, im on the last place in his hierarchy list, he blames me for everything which goes wrong, he never doesnt want to understand how i might feel, he never understanding, makes me look bad in everyones eyes, calling me abusive names, i cant tell him anything i see wrong in him as he interrupts me after the first few words, tells me to get lost and leaves the room …… he only is close to me in bed once in a month- whenever he wants and how he wants, he spends more time with his pals than with me, never holds my hand while we are walking- he walks separate from me, no one can tell that we even know each other… i feel like killing him and then killing myself, he behaves like he is ashamed of me , i only spoke to his parents once on the phone…he sees no need for me to talk to them, then he accuses me that its my fault that i dont talk to his parents because i dont have any interest….I feel so much worthless and low, I have absolutely no respect and no support from him, this person made me depressed, he thinks that he is the victim…he accuses me that im the bad one that i am making him unhappy… he is monster, i find pointless trying to talk to him and improving the things, as after few days of improvement things are getting worse…. im going through a hell .. and still I love him… i only would be reliefed if he would die, and i wish him death every day……… i know this sounds cruel, but no one would understand of what im goin thru, no matter which words i would use………..

  • j.s.

    Iam getting divorced……. he has absolutely no respect, and no interest whatsoever i will do, he is the most cold and feelingless person i have ever seen….. im extremely unhappy….oh, by the way… im married for 7 months……

  • Trapped

    I’ve been married for 12 years and have three young girls, 6 and under. I feel like I have a fourth child. I’m currently going to school to get a degree which will take me years. I just want to graduate already to have my independence. I feel like I’ve been the only one trying in this marriage. My husband has gotten us into debt, we were two weeks away from losing our house when a miracle happened and the house was saved. But before that mess, over the years, he has been fired from numerous jobs….always claiming he did nothing wrong (he has a problem with authority). I know he will always find a way to work, but I cannot put up with how unstable living like that is. He tells me he can’t sleep because he worries about paying bills, but only adds to the debt, does things to directly jeopardize his current job, so I can’t sleep because I worry he will put us all in a bad situation again. He likes to smoke pot(his job does random drug tests!) and drink, and god only knows what else. He almost burned down the house recently because he took Xanax(not prescribed) and fell asleep while cooking something in the middle of the night. I’ve caught him making plans to meet with random women on Craigslist a few times. He will never admit to other women, but a woman knows! He’s a jerk all of the time, yelling at the kids. For some reason, he hides the fact that he started smoking again, but won’t smoke on the weekends, so has a nic fit all weekend. wtf? Just go have a cigarette! He hides it from me like a kid would hide it from his mommy…lol! What a joke, I never say anything, by all means smoke away! All the while he makes me out to be a joyless nag! This is just the tip of the iceburg! We’ve done counseling. I ask him to leave and he just yells for me to take the kids and go, its his house! I wish I could! lol! I don’t have a job, and any job I can get right now would not pay enough to get me and my kids out. Funny part is I feel like I never want to be in another relationship with anyone ever again. I could care less about being loved by another man. They are all the same. From what you all talk about and from what my friends say about their husbands, they are all the same….little boys who will never grow up. I don’t want a teenage son, I want out!

  • Alexandra Smith

    Hi I’m married for 15 years most of these years unhappy.Few months ago I catch my husband in dating sites .He said he was sorry and he close everything ,but 3 weeks later I found out that he likes to go in live web chat rooms and he had a relationship with 2 women.I read all the love conversations he had with them and I felt terrible.we are still together but when he tell me I love u and .. I feel like he is saying that to them so I feel angry .I am 44 I dont have a job and I am trapped in this unhappy marriage because I love my 2 kids and I dont want them to suffer.I can’t trust him and when he said I love u sound so fake.when we have sex I don’t feel nothing even if I try I have to fake everything and after that I feel lonely ,use and miserable.

  • A Heart Torn

    I asked my husband to move out and he did. I feel bad that because of his finances he had to move in with his parents. I stayed in the house because I am the one who makes most of the money and I could afford to stay in the house. My husband does love me and has never cheated on me. My problem is that he lies a lot and keeps things from me. He is extremely immature and irresponsible to the point that I am now being sued because of a hospital bill he never paid. I could lose my house over this. That was the last straw for me. My credit is ruined now and it doesn’t matter to him because he has nothing to lose. He has untreated ADHD and refuses to get help for it. I feel like he has dragged me through the mud since we got married four years ago. He has never really contributed much financially either so all of the stress has been on me – even when I was working full time and going to school he refused to get a job to help out. I am just done. Am I making the right decision to end this marriage?

  • Debra

    Neither of us were ready. He was 21 and I was 23. We’d just had a baby. He proposed 6 months after we met and I scoffed. After our daughter was born I felt we had to get married and he agreed. There wasn’t much talk of the situation, him being a country born family man, and me having parents who stayed faithfully married forf 23 years before they divorced. He and I have now been tgether 14 years, married for 10. We’ve got serious trust issues. He cheated, I cheated…a bunch of drama. We were young and testing the waters. We both finally agreed to quit that way of living and work to earn eachother’s trust. I quit. I don’t know if he has. I knowhe’d ben recentltly talking to another woman because she events she spoke to me about directly, he brought to my attention with aggression, because he was afraid of being caught. (He tells on himself alot). He has no respect for me at all. Examples include him always having secondary plans on every holida/birthday, etc. Itks his car, cause he erned it and I didn’t help him buy it. Its my fault he hasn’t developed his business plan. He comes and goes as he pleases. I hardly get gifts. He yells and screams over me when he doesn’t get his way. He lies about everything under the sun. “Right back” means at least 3 hours. Everything is about him. I do nothing right, and its never enough. He buys whatever he wants and I sacrifice. He’s a butthole by nature ad I’ve told him so. He doesn’t hold me if I cry, he doesn’t care how I feel because to him I have too many feelings. He doesn’t communicate with me at all. I want out. The disrespect that continues is embarassing, hurtful and flat out mean. I’ve tried to consider his good qualities,and when I complimet him he doesn’t believe me. He’s a good provider but lacks dependability because of his selfishness. I’ve been diagnosed with MS recently, and just lost myjob due to it. I have nowhere to go and I am still determined to get out of this mess. My health can no longer afford it.

  • Erica

    Im wondering if leaving my husband after12yrs is right i love him but i dont believe he loves me that way we dont talk he goes days without even looking never says anthing nice to me holidays birthdays forget it but forget him an its a war i feel like all iam to him is the maid, cook,and baby sitter when i talk to him i should just talk to the wall is anyone going through this or should i just suck it up and except it?

  • joanna m.

    Hi, so I came across this when searching up wether to try marriage counseling or just leaving him, but anyway here’s my story. I met the love of my life when I was 16 he was 18 and I fell in love with him, we hung out everyday but he started lying to me not to long after we met but being a school girl with a crush I didn’t care as long as I was with him. I got pregnant at 17 with his child and that’s when everything started going a lot worse, it seemed like he didn’t care about me anymore, he wouldn’t come by my house I’d have to go to his being pregnant and all, he stopped calling me, he’d only call me when he was drunk and tried denying it when I knew for a fact he was drunk, anyway that was then but I still can’t seem to get over it, and now I’m 6 months pregnant with our second child, I am now 22, and we’re still having problems he’s pulled and pushed me a couple times not so violent though and when he grabs me I’ll tell him he’s hurting me and he doesn’t care he just keeps doing it, I know that stress isn’t good for the baby so I try to avoid it by leaving the room before we start arguing but he follows me and starts cussing and yelling at me like crazy, then he starts throwing stuff and hitting things, I tell him to leave me alone and that stressing me out is harmful to the baby but he doesn’t care, once he gets tired of yelling at me he’ll leave the room for awhile and when he comes back in he starts crying and saying I don’t care about his feelings and all this other stuff as if he’s flipping the whole thing, ugh I don’t get him, he has temperament problems and I love him so much but I can’t do this anymore I don’t trust him what so ever I feel like not having trust in him is killing our relationship, I’ve tried leaving before but can’t seem to be without him for that long so I end up coming back, we need help, I can’t have my son watching this or hearing any of our arguments much longer, I honestly hope it ends up working out, cause I can’t take anymore of the emotional abuse I have to go through with him especially while pregnant. Marriage is seriously the hardest thing I’ve ever done and will probably be the hardest thing I’ll ever do. By the way we’ve been together for 5 years it’ll be 6 in June and married for 4 this March.

  • Diane

    My problem is more along the line of my husband’s ex. My husband and I have been married two years and have a child of our own. His ex has all of a sudden decided this year that she wants him back not because she loves him but to foot her finacial load (even though she gets child support, we supply all medical school and misc. needs, and she receives government help). She has moved in with his father by telling him that she has no money or place to live and we rufuse to let the kids live with us. She now makes weekly visit to his mother (who she has had arrested twice) claiming the kids want to see her. She also now shows up whenever a family or friend function is going on to drop the kids off after she tells us she has plans and they can’t come. She has told the kids to not speak to me when they are suppose to come for their visits and tells me and my husband that the kids are just between her and him. Yet she texts me daily trying to ask me questions about trival things for the kids. She also has the kids (14 and 12) calling me a b***h, shooting me birds, making comments “my mom could be here with her family if you would leave”, and sending me nasty text saying her family wanted her there but she had to leave because I am a b***h. When my husband and I met they were already divorced (she wanted and got) and she was living with her boyfriend. Might I add she is bipolar but refuses treatment or medication. I have tried to explaing this to my husband and his family but they say I should just ignore her and the kids they will stop after awhile. His parents will tell me my kids are not angels (they have never disrespected my husband or his family), so don’t expect their grandchildren to be. My husband says he will just sign his rights away….that I will not allow him to do. So I am debating on just walking away because it is not fair for so much tension or my husband to have to choose, but I just can’t do it anymore.

  • Crushed

    Wow, ladies you are not alone–why do we fall for these guys who do nothing but hurt us…my husband does compliment me, however, over the last 12 years he has done nothing more than kiss his ex’s ass who is clinically insane…I think men like women who need them..then once that woman is done w/ them, the ego is so damaged that they use up all that energy to win back the approval of the crazy woman…just like my husband…he went to great lengths to provide for her financially, everything down to her make-up,,,he felt sorry for her b/c she was fired from her job several years prior…but when I ask for $5, I have to pay the MF’er back…did not see this until about 2 years into the marriage…now I have very little money and he lost his job, but refuses to find another, but anytime that ex calls for $$$, he’s there I don’t get it. He even paid for her mental hospital stay due to a nervous breakdown & hid that from me until I found the bill like 2 years ago…he makes excuses that this is all in the past & I need to get over it & he did not do anything wrong…REALLY????!!!

  • sherry

    last January my husband received a text from someone calling him daddy and telling him she loved him. when i confronted him he told me he has been having sex with protitutes for years, racked up credit cards doing it and now he has a 17 yr old girl that he refuses to stop texting and hanging out with. Turns out she was the one calling him daddy. i have found text where he tells her she is beautiful and he loves her. I have been married for 15yrs and i don’t know why i am so scared to leave him? This isn’t a marriage. I spend everyday either angry or crying. I don’t know what to do?

  • Wondering

    I am also in the same shoes of wondering whether to leave or not. I have come to realise that my husband is not who i thought he is. i blame my self i married him before i knew who he really was. Now i realized that i don’t even like him. He doesnt say nice things to me, like complement me, with our some he is always second guessing me, and he always has to oppose anything i say as far as our some in concerned, when i married him i told him i don’t want a son who drinks and he drinks now. I have repeatedly caught him talking to his ex who has caused nothing but trouble between us since the day we met, but he keeps going back to her and i don’t know if there is anything going on. He make decisions without consulting me, recently he quit his job just because he doesn’t like his boss who was harassing him. He goes and does things that he know i will not like but makes the decision to do them anyway without considering my feelings. and still with all this, i have made efforts to make the relationship work, i read books, i listen to good advice from other people, if i see something goo on tv i try that, anything i can think of, only for him to tell me recently that, “we dont live on tv or in books, and what works for other people, wont work for him” and that, what he was back then when i met him and fell in love with him was then and this is now i should take him the way he is. What am i supposed to do now, what would do?……….I no longer feel any love for him, I can’t even bring my self to sleep with him, sometimes i can’t even stand looking at him because he makes me so angry………..I am unhappy and i dont know what to do, because i have to think of my son.

  • Jessica

    So my husband choked me about two weeks ago. I called cops the day after so he could get out without following me around the house. Anyway i need a lawyer but i dnt have money can anyone help me please!!!!!!!!!!

  • Shell

    Husband is always working, calls me a simple b**ch all the time…we tried counseling but he stays in denial and blames me for all. He had dentures done in June of 2011 and stated he is going to stop smoking due to having dentures.well unfortunately he has not done so, and consistly lies when I bring it to his attention that he says of nicotine. I also have find that he does not talk to me regarding his daughter and finacial bills when it comes to her and does not help on supporting our son we have together. I set him up the other evening with a folded piece of paper I placed at the corner of his desk like I just seat it there for a moment..when I questioned him as to where or has he seen it and said he did not know what I was speaking of..I know for sure he took it because I left it there and seen it right before he seat down at his desk. If he can’t be truthful about that then what else may he be keeping from me and lying about…he can’t be trusted. I just wish he could change his ways and involve me in matters and finances being I am his wife. It is really stressing me out and I don’t want to leave, I love him but how can I love a man that is treating me like a mop, maid and everything else but a way a wife should be treated.

  • Mandy

    Susan… I feel myself in your words. Counceling hasn’t helped. I take care of everything around the house, our kids, I work to go to school because he won’t support me going to school. If I want our child to go to a good daycare, I have to pay for it. I’ve recently ran into an ex as well and he is in a very unfullfilling marriage as well. I haven’t realized until the way my ex treated me… which was amazing… how much my husband lacks and how he has never made me feel as time worthy as my ex has. He won’t stand up to his family or friends who treat me like crap. I feel like he is a child as well. He does everything I do nothing. I’m so tired, but scared. I’ve been with him for 12 years. As I have learned with going to school… everything is so scary until you figure things out and adapt.

  • Willow

    Susan, contacting your ex was a big mistake. You havent been in a relationship with him for 18 years so, presumably you were young when you broke up? You are having romantic thoughts/feelings about him but you dont really know him, not now after all these years. Please be warned…I have two female friends who were both married and had children. Ultimately, their marriages became ‘boring’ and they both contacted, met up with and subsequently had a relationship with their ex’s. Both relationships have been disastrous. One friend moved many hundreds of miles to live with the ex in his house (he was divorced). She had no idea what living with him would be like – he has become alcohol dependent and abusive and she is now living in a separate part of the house (which is fortunately very large!). Both friends have told me that re-kindling the relationship with their ex’s was the biggest mistake of their lives and they deeply regret it. One friend’s husband has divorced her and has re-married which deeply distresses her as she tried to get back with him but he just turned his back on her.
    For the sake of your children and YOUR future happiness you must think very carefully. How do you know that your ex (or any other guy for that matter!) will be that much different to your husband. ALL men do things we dont want them to do and MOST women dont fancy sex with the same guy for ever and ever. I bet if he came home tomorrow and told you he had found a new (younger) woman and was leaving you, it would hurt like hell. Its your choice, but be careful…….

  • someone's husband

    It would have been fair for all husbands, or should I say soon to be ex husbands, to write their version of the story.

    Unfortunately, there are always 2 sides in a story.

    Funny what you can find on the internet though.

    When your wife leaves you it is devastating, I can assure you. When you find out what she really thinks of you by reading these posts is a million times worst. Finding out that there are feelings for another man, well I can’t describe that…

  • A wife also

    You fell in love with once; it is very possible to do it again. Your stress just does not allow you to see it sometimes. (Just a thought Susan)

  • A wife also

    I believe your marriage is repairable with hard work. Maybe your husband just needs you to encourage and motivate him. Yes this is almost like teaching your children, but his up bringing could have played a major role on who he is today. If he is not abusive nor cheating I say ” try and work it out. Remember why you married him in the first place.” You will be suprised on how much he will change if maybe he felt some kind of self worth this may not be your fault on why he may feel this way.(I do believe from what your explaining that he has low self esteem) But when you marry you marry for better or for worse. Just help him. Sometimes a sacrifice can be very rewarding especially if he is not cheating or abusive. Your ex is just an exscape from reality. You only have memories with him BEFORE KIDS and really BEFORE ANY RESPONSIBILTY. The grass is not always greener on the other side. (Just a thought)

  • Jessica

    Susan – I felt like I was reading my own words when I read your post. The only difference is my husband and I have been together for 4 years and married almost 3. We have two kids: boy and girl both under the age of two. We got married really quick and didn’t have time to get to know one another before I got pregnant. He works all day Mon-Fri and feels that he needs a break Fri and Sat night to play xbox. I don’t blame him