This “relationship test” will help you see your personality, lifestyle, and values in a different light. It’s not a typical compatibility test for couples; it’s based on my experience of 10 years of marriage.
If you truly want to get to know your partner – and determine your relationship compatibility – get TABLETOPICS Couples: Questions to Start Great Conversations. These conversation starters for couples include thought-provoking questions, so you and your partner can get to know each other on a new level. This is a great anniversary gift or even a therapy game. Questions include “Which of us is the worst backseat driver?” and “How much money do we need in the bank to feel secure?” Your partner’s answers will surprise you, and show you a different level of your relationship compatibility.
As I said, this compatibility test for couples is inspired by my own marriage. After 10 years, I’ve learned several habits of happy couples – and I’ve also learned how important it is to test your relationship compatibility before getting married and having children! Ninety-nine percent of the “I need relationship help” comments I get are from readers who didn’t think about testing their compatibility as a couple until it was too late. Ladies and gentlemen, we need to be smarter and more thoughtful about our relationships. We can’t see the future, but we can pay attention to the warning signs that alert us to an unhealthy match.
A Compatibility Test for Couples
This relationship test consists of the issues I see arising in my marriage. The issue isn’t the problem most couples face (although we fool ourselves into thinking it is). The problem is that we have different perspectives, different ways of handling conflict, and different personalities.
Not being compatible as a couple doesn’t mean your relationship is unhealthy – or that you’re valuable and lovable. Nor does it mean you’ll never find someone to love if you break up with this unsuitable partner! It just means that if you stay together, you’ll need to take more time and effort to work through life’s inevitable difficulties. Your relationship may be tested in different ways than if you were a couple who is more compatible than incompatible.
If you want to move beyond relationship compatibility, take this Emotional Intelligence Test for Couples.
Sure, a Christian woman can marry a Jewish man. Sometimes people even convert. But, if you are a committed Christian and you have a personal relationship with Jesus, you will want to be in a relationship with someone whose beliefs and values match your own. Being spiritually compatible makes a relationship easier. No marriage is perfect, regardless of the faith of each spouse, but a spiritual connection does help us focus on what’s really most important in life.
God created us to live in a relationship with Him. Until we find that relationship, there will always be something missing from our lives. So, no matter how many “yes” answers you check off to this or any relationship compatibility test, you need to be spiritually healthy. That’s the foundation of healthy relationships with all people.
Personality types and traits
Introverts gain energy and fulfillment from being alone. Extroverts, on the other hand, draw strength and “juice” from being in groups or crowds of people. I’m an introvert – and thankfully, so is my husband. We both prefer to be at home, in small groups, or even alone. Our personalities are compatible, which makes marriage easier. Except when I start to wonder why we have no friends! Then I wish we were both more extroverted J
Your partner doesn’t necessarily have to have the same personality traits as you, but it’s important to be aware of whether your personalities the same or different. If you’re not sure about this test for relationship compatibility, read Are You an Introvert? A Test for Introverted Personality Traits.
Before I got married, I wished our premarital counseling course included a discussion of energy levels in its compatibility test for couples! Actually, now that I think about it….it may have been part of the premarriage package but I just don’t remember because it was a decade ago! If you’re serious about a relationship test, go to premarital counseling together. You’ll work through all sorts of issues: financial spending habits, relationship with your families of origin, religious or spiritual views, expectations of intimacy, future goals, etc.
I have a bit more energy than my husband. If, that is, you define energy as enthusiasm, joy, and excitement. This means he tells me not to get too excited, and I wonder why he’s not happier or more enthused about something fun we’re doing. I’m also a morning lark – I love getting up at or before 5 a.m. He’s more of a night owl.
It’s not a big problem to have different energy levels if you’re both introverts or extroverts. Why? Because your personalities align, which means your energy levels will help you choose your activities. Having different energy levels AND different personality styles may cause a bit of conflict. The best relationship test is to think about how you work through that conflict as a couple.
Ways of handling conflict
I like to talk about our marriage issues – or even our potential issues – because I find relationships fascinating and complex.
The longer I’m married, however, the less talking we do. We’ve already had the basic conversations that address our most fundamental problems. My husband and I are aware of the issues that trip us up because we’ve talked about them many times over the years. Some issues are resolved; others are unresolvable.
Do you avoid, address, or initiate conflict in your relationship? Does your partner handle conflict differently or similarly? How your family of origin handled conflict is a huge determinant of how you handle conflict. Your relationship compatibility isn’t determined by your ability to resolve conflict, but it’s good for you to know how to resolve conflict in relationships.
Ways of dealing with stress
Journaling and walking in the forest are my primary ways to deal with stress. My husband tends to get quiet and a bit irritable, possibly because he doesn’t journal or walk for the sake of walking! I find that how we handle stress doesn’t really affect our marriage. I used to take it personally if he was quiet or snappy, but I’ve learned that he’s just stressed. It passes quite quickly.
I think stress management is one of the easiest tests of relationship compatibility – as long as you’re both aware of how you manage stressful situations. If your partner’s way of handling stress is a source of stress to you, then it’ll test your relationship compatibility. The key is to awareness and acceptance.
A compatibility test for couples can give you information to prepare for marriage or a serious relationship commitment, but there is no substitute for doing the work it takes to make a relationship good. The only way to do the work is to figure out how to handle conflict together, as a couple. And the only way to do that is to talk openly and honestly about the issues you’re facing, individually or as a couple.
Don’t ignore your feelings or thoughts about relationship compatibility – especially if you’re thinking about marriage or a long-term commitment! If you’re concerned, read How to Stop Relationship Anxiety.
I welcome your thoughts on this compatibility test for couples. Are you and your partner similar or different? I can’t offer advice or counseling, but it almost always helps to put your thoughts into writing.
It is essential for a husband and wife to quarrel. They get to know each other better. – Goethe.