4 Reasons You Keep Getting Involved With the Wrong Men

Are you attracted to the same men – guys who aren’t good for you – over and over? The sooner you know the reasons you’re getting involved with the wrong men, the quicker you’ll break the pattern.

“I am currently leaving my second terrible long term relationship,” says Sara on 6 Reasons Why Men Hurt the Women They Love. “I was previously with a man for two years who was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. I was very addicted to the cycle with him and at times I can say I truly loved him and his ‘good side.’”

And that’s the first reason women get involved with the wrong men: their boyfriends apologize, beg forgiveness, and/or blame them for their behavior. Women stay in unhealthy or abusive relationships, and refuse to let go because sometimes they think it’s their fault.

All men – and women – have a good side. If you keep getting involved with the wrong men, ou may be focusing on his good (and potentially good!) traits while overlooking the bad. Below are a few more reasons women get involved with the wrong men, plus ideas for breaking free.

1. You’re young, vulnerable, and hopeful

“I spent a year and a half seeking counseling, medication, and self-help/personal development books to get back to normal after the end of that nightmare,” says Sara. “I am STILL not over that man. He was also my first love and real boyfriend, at age 19-21 so that played a factor.”

The younger we are, the harder we fall. We haven’t learned to trust our gut instincts, and we may not be as self-aware as when we’re older.

Many of the worst relationship mistakes are made when we’re in our teens and 20s, which is why I waited until I was 35 to get married. I didn’t feel ready to be in a relationship before then, and I believe God protected me from getting involved with the wrong men. I was in short-term relationships here and there, but nothing serious.

4 Reasons You Keep Getting Involved With the Wrong Men
Are Involved With the Wrong Man?

2. You ignore the warning signs

“By the time I met my recent ex, I was 22 and had revitalized my self-esteem and life,” says Sara. “So what happened? I was instantly attracted to this man. Another wrong man! Why does it keep happening? I ignored every warning sign, as well as my friend and family’s advice. I absolutely lost myself in the relationship. I was completely distracted from school, work, everything. This man was also verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive. He recently showed up at my house out of nowhere and threatened to kill himself on my front lawn. I had to call the police, he ended up in a psych ward. Now he’s saying it’s all MY fault he is there and that he was ‘never serious’ about hurting himself. He also said that I am the cause of all the problems in his life even though he has been like this his entire life.”

There are so many things in this comment – and all so important to think about. Here’s my list:

  • If your partner talks about suicide, read When Your Boyfriend Threatens to Kill Himself If You Leave.
  • I’ve ignored warning signs in relationships – and I know you have too. That’s why you clicked on this article about getting involved with the wrong men, and that’s why you keep making the same mistakes in your relationships.
  • Unhealthy, abusive men blame their partners for their behavior and lives.
  • Losing yourself in your relationship is bad. I keep meaning to write an article about staying connected with yourself even when you’re in love, but haven’t yet.

If you have anything to add – big or little – please comment below.

3. You’re following patterns you’re not even aware of

“I often wonder how young, motivated, SMART woman get involved with these guys,” Sara says. “There are a lot of reasons and factors – many of which are from our childhood. Also, following patterns and not breaking cycles or being aware of them. To other women reading this – I finally realized after seeing this person blame ME for his suicide attempt, even though I had barely spoken to him in weeks – that their behaviors are their own and you can’t be held responsible.”

You are not responsible for your behavior. Do you keep getting involved with the wrong men because of what he says and how he makes you feel? Maybe it’s time to follow this reader’s lead, and learn what childhood patterns you’re following.

Here’s Sara’s final comment to you:

“You are beautiful. You are smart. You are lovely. Do not reduce yourself to a low self-esteem, unhappy, shade of a woman. You are worth so much more than that! If you’re a man who keeps getting involved with the wrong partner, it’s the same deal: you are worth more, you are loved, and you don’t deserve to be treated badly.”

What do you think – why do you get involved with the wrong men? If you also choose friends or even jobs that aren’t good for you, read 6 Ways to Avoid Repeating Your Past Relationship Mistakes.


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6 thoughts on “4 Reasons You Keep Getting Involved With the Wrong Men”

  1. I read this article and it kept mentioning young ladies 20’s, 30’s …. I am 64 and STILL get the wrong men / man. I am with a man for 6 years now and we split up but i cant release and he is still contacting after i disconnected his phone from my service. i am not complaining but i need to release! i am connected to him in some way… believing there is a good side.

  2. Hi Phoebe,

    Thanks for your comment; it sounds like you tend to get involved with the wrong men – and you want to change. That’s awesome…but as you’re learning, change can be difficult.

    You inspired me to write this article:

    How to Know if a Man is Emotionally Available for Love

    I’ll also write a follow-up article, about how to love an emotionally distant man. Just becoming aware of why women get involved with the wrong men can bring freedom and wisdom.

    You will be able to stop, and you can get free from your patterns of choosing the wrong men! It just takes some effort and self-knowledge…but I know you’ll get there. You’re stronger, smarter, and braver than you know.

    – Laurie

  3. Every reason applies to me, I always fall for the wrong men. Mostly they’re emotionally unavailable, for some reason I’m attracted to men who can’t seem to love me. My last boyfriend wouldn’t even say he loved me even after four years together. He never talked to me, we just go together every couple of weeks for love. Why do I do this? How do I stop?

  4. Hi Brandie,

    Interesting, that re-training your brain could help you change the patterns that keep you getting involved with the wrong men. Thanks for the link!

  5. Laurie above hit the nail on the head in my opinion. I have read several self help type blogs that lay much of the blame so to speak in the wrong places. I am fascinated with the neuroscience behind these kinds of issues, and until the women get rid of the bad habits of looking for the same men, they are always going to be with the same kinds. Mae Chinn Songer has an excellent blog on how to get out of those habits by training your brain to see things differently and to develop new habits. Her blog is worth taking a look at, if you can teach your brain new things and then make them habits then you can change what you do in relationships and have better success.

  6. What I noticed after re-reading this is that the reasons women get involved with the wrong men aren’t about the MEN. It’s about the WOMEN and their patterns, mistakes, vulnerability, emotions, etc.

    It’s not about blaming women — or even blaming men. It’s about being aware of why we choose men who aren’t good for us, and changing our patterns.