You know getting back together is not a good idea, but he’s begging you to give him another chance. Here’s how to be strong and stand up to your ex-boyfriend.
“I stopped dating him months ago because I know God has a better plan for me,” says Dee on How to End the Affair and Rebuild Your Self-Respect. “I’m past the hurt, loneliness and I’ve forgiven him and myself. I know I’m a great woman and I deserve more. You have to know that you are worth more than being second or last. But you also have to understand he is human. He lies and plays deceitful games to get what he wants. You are better than the way he treats you.”
She’s so smart! Apart from having an affair with a married man, that is. But I love the way she knows that she deserves better (and so does the cheater’s wife). She’s forgiven herself. Dee also knows that her ex-boyfriend is human and he’ll say whatever it takes to get what he wants. My tips on how to be strong when getting back together is wrong are inspired by her story. It’s continued below…
Here’s the rest of Dee’s comment:
“The one problem I have is that he will not stop calling or texting. He comes to my home without notice…I don’t answer my door anymore. I don’t answer the phone or text or the door for weeks. Until I get annoyed, and then he starts begging for us to get back together. It doesn’t work because I know my value. What can I do to get rid of this man?”
How to Be Strong About Not Getting Back Together
There are a three specific and different aspects about being strong when you know getting back together is a bad idea.
3 Types of Strength:
- Emotional strength (you miss him and your heart is broken)
- Social strength (you feel lonely and you miss the companionship your ex offered)
- Physical or practical strength (he’s begging to get back together, and he won’t leave you alone)
In this article I’ll tackle the last one, and share a few physical or practical ways to stick to your decision to stay apart. The bottom line, however, is that you know getting back together isn’t a good idea – and you are the only one who can finally and completely remove your ex-boyfriend from your life. You need to find your own ways to be strong and convince him that you are not interested in getting back together.
And you need to experiment with different ideas until you find what works. I don’t have the magic tip that will make him run away. But I believe you DO have the answer somewhere inside of your smart brain and sparkly spirit…it’s up to you to dig it up!
In Getting Back Together After a Separation – Good or Bad? I share emotional and spiritual tips for staying strong when you know getting back together is a bad idea.
Leverage your strengths (which are his weaknesses)
Here’s the first thought that occurred to me: if you were having an affair with a guy who now won’t leave you alone, threaten to tell his wife that he was cheating on her. I don’t love the idea of threatening him, but it may scare your ex-boyfriend into leaving you alone. He probably doesn’t want to get caught cheating.
You know your relationship better than anyone. Use your knowledge to help you figure out how to be strong about not getting back together. What other advantages do you have? How can you convince your ex that not only is getting back together a bad idea, it’s potentially harmful to him? For instance, if he would be humiliated or even fired if his boss found out, you could threaten him with that. You don’t necessarily have to follow through with your threat; the idea of other people knowing may be enough to get your ex-boyfriend to leave you alone.
Ask for backup help and support
Alternatively, you could ask someone to step in on your behalf. I’d lean towards this if I needed to know how to be strong about not getting back together.
When your ex-boyfriend shows up, call a friend. Be on the phone when you answer the door, and tell your friend exactly what your ex says. Be clear with both your ex and your friend that he is there, you don’t want him there, and you aren’t interested in getting back together. Be loud, be crazy! Go nuts on his ass. Show him how serious you are, and how crazy you will get if he doesn’t leave you alone.
Stop being so nice to him
The reason most ex-boyfriends refuse to go away or give up is because they’re allowed to get away with it. We teach people how to treat us.
When you engage with your ex by allowing your annoyance to overcome your resolve and common sense (eg, you answer the door because you’re sick of hearing him ring the doorbell), you’re being nice. When you text him back or answer his email, you’re being nice.
You think you need to learn how to be strong about not getting back together…but that’s not the issue.
The issue is that you need to learn how to be disciplined and consistent when your ex-boyfriend tries to contact you. You also need to level up every time he makes unwanted contact.
Pretend you’re teaching your old dog a new trick. You have to show him over and over the right way to behave. You have to consistently and doggedly reward his good behavior. And you have to give him negative consequences when he engages in bad behavior. Further, those “negative consequences” have to get more and more painful for him every time. Or he won’t quit.
Level it up a notch
Read How to Protect Yourself From a Stalker. Now that I re-read that article, I think it perhaps should have been my first tip on how to be strong about not getting back together! Sometimes we can’t see the obvious because it’s too obvious.
Dee’s ex-boyfriend is stalking her. She should only have to tell him ONCE to leave her alone – he is being worse than selfish and disrespectful…he is actually, really stalking her. Maybe it’s not up to her to learn how to be strong; maybe it should be up to the police to protect her from her ex-boyfriend’s constant harassment.
If your ex-boyfriend won’t leave you alone, call a women’s help line or even the police information line for support. Don’t allow yourself to get tangled in a complicated, energy-draining, useless power struggle.
Be a strong woman and take care of business.
I welcome your ideas on how to be strong about not getting back together. If you were writing to Dee, what advice would you give her? She’s a smart lady. I wonder what advice she’d give her sister or best friend if she was asked for advice on breaking it off with an ex-boyfriend once and for all…
While I can’t offer advice, I do read every comment. I encourage you to respond to other readers’ comments if you feel led, and to share your story. You’d be surprised at how good it feels to write about your experiences – especially when other readers comment to say they’re not alone.
Read How to Stop Thinking About Someone if you need strength to stick to your decision about not getting back together. Blossom!
Your thoughts are welcome below! I don't give advice, but you can get free relationship help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.
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