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When You Don’t Have Energy or Motivation to Work on Your Relationship

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The stress of everyday life is overwhelming – how do you find energy and motivation to work on your relationship problems?

In the last three days, two women told me they don’t have energy or motivation to work on their marriages. Their relationships are so bad, they just avoid their husbands.


“I leave the room when he walks in,” said one woman. “I can’t stand when he touches me or even talks to me. Every time we try to have a conversation, it deteriorates into name calling.”

Neither of them care about reconnecting or rebuilding their marriage. They’re also distracted by kids, mortgage payments, work problems, family responsibilities, and social commitments. They’re choosing to prioritize their marriage last — or not at all — because it’s easier in the short-term.

But what is it doing to their souls and spirits – not to mention their children? Their inaction has real and serious effects on their bodies, minds, lives, and families.

When You Have No Energy or Motivation to Work on Your Relationship

I’m a big fan of tacking problems before they get worse, so my tips are geared towards taking action. But, taking action isn’t a solution when you aren’t motivated or if your partner is totally sabotaging your relationship.

Have a think about these tips, and let me know what you come up with.

First, some back story

My friend Beth (not her real name) has been married for 12 years; their marriage has slowly been deteriorating for at least five years. In fact, she called me two weeks before they got married, panicking because she was having serious cold feet about marrying Robert (not his real name, either). I honestly believed she shouldn’t marry him – I thought he’d drive her crazy in a year!

It took about seven years for the wheels of their marriage to start wobbling, and now they are completely stalled. The worst part is that they have young kids who are definitely feeling the stress, tension, conflict, and emotional turmoil at home.

Here’s what I’d tell Beth if she asked me for advice – or if she wanted to work on their relationship…


You’re protecting yourself from something

Beth has a history of running from her problems. She doesn’t face her emotions or thoughts – like when she knew before the wedding that she shouldn’t marry him. Instead of finding the motivation to work on the problems or acknowledge the red flags, she barged forward without thinking.

She does this because she’s protecting herself from what she believes are worse feelings or problems. I also think Beth doesn’t want to face who she is in her relationship – she doesn’t want to look at who she’s become.

My other friend, Shirley, said her husband forces her to be a bitch to him. It’s not her fault that she’s mean and critical; he pushes her to be that way. It’s his fault. I don’t know if Shirley is protecting herself from something, but I’m 100% sure she doesn’t have the energy or motivation to work on their relationship.

What do you think – is it possible you don’t want to work on your relationship problems because you’re protecting yourself?

You’ve tried countless times to work on your relationship

This is an obvious reason you don’t have energy or motivation to work on your problems: you’ve been there, done that. Nothing has worked in the past, so why bother? It’s like beating your head against a brick wall.

Then why are you still with this guy?

Sometimes it’s easier to stay with the hell you know than even consider taking a leap of faith into the unknown. It seems safer to keep your head buried in the sand, rather than tackled your problems head on. Again, this comes down to self-protection. You’re trying to avoid the work…and it’s costing you your life.

I don’t have the answers you need, and I can’t solve your problems. But I encourage you to think about taking action now, instead of letting things build to a crisis point.

If both you and your partner are avoiding your relationship problems, read How to Untangle a Codependent Relationship.

What do you think – why don’t you have the energy or motivation to work on your relationship?


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