Is your husband cheating on you with his female friends on Facebook? Here’s how to tell the difference between husbands who use Facebook to cheat versus men who having innocent friendships with their female friends on Facebook.
“He lied to me about the first e-mail from this woman,” says a reader on Is Your Marriage Over? 6 Signs You Shouldn’t Ignore. “Then I was on his Facebook account, and she sent a friend request to him. She also sent a picture, and he said she was hot…when I asked him about it, he denied he said anything. Later, he did fess up, saying he knew what my reaction would be. He didn’t want to make me upset! He said he want to find out how she knows about him. Should I be worried that my husband is using Facebook to have an affair behind my back?”
The following signs a husband may be using Facebook to cheat might give you some insight into your own marriage. But be careful! If you’re worried about your husband’s friendships or relationships with other women on Facebook, you may read too much into these signs. Try not to let yourself get paranoid that your husband is having an affair…but try to be honest with yourself.
Sometimes we know things we can’t admit. Deep down we know the truth but it hurts too much to be honest with ourselves. And, many other things hold us in a marriage or relationship we know isn’t great but we can’t end.
My reader asked if she should be worried about her husband having a relationship with this woman on Facebook. She also asked how to stop someone from cheating in a relationship. I don’t think I can answer either of those questions here, but I can share a few thoughts about Facebook friends, husbands, and wives.
Is Your Husband Using Facebook to Cheat on You?
Though Facebook doesn’t cause cheating, it is being used in more and more divorce petitions. “I had heard from my staff that there were a lot of people saying they had found out things about their partners on Facebook and I decided to see how prevalent it was,” says divorce lawyer Mark Keenan, Managing Director of Divorce-Online in Facebook Fueling Divorce, Research Says. “I was really surprised to see 20% of all the petitions containing references to Facebook. The most common reason seemed to be people having inappropriate chats with people they were not supposed to.”
Facebook can tempt husbands and wives to start or re-establish innocent friendships with friends of the opposite sex. These innocent friendships can lead to physical and emotional infidelity without either party intending it. But, just because Facebook might be used in divorce cases and court, it doesn’t mean that your husband is using Facebook to cheat on you. I’m friends with men on Facebook – and I imagine you are, too. Most friendships are nothing to worry about.
But, there is a line between just being friends with someone of the opposite sex, and emotional cheating or an affair of the heart. And the more time people spend on Facebook, the easier it may for that line to be crossed.
1. Will your husband give you his Facebook password?
This is an obvious sign that a wife or girlfriend should worry! And, I don’t think it’s about “privacy” or “having his own space.” If he’s not doing anything wrong, then he doesn’t need his own private space on Facebook. Married couples should have full access to each other’s Facebook accounts, email accounts, and phones. But my reader does have access to her husband’s Facebook account, and has seen his messages to his female friend.
2. Does your husband lie to you about his Facebook friends?
“In one of the e-mails she sent she asked if he was interested, his response ‘maybe,’ says my reader. “In another one he said he will accept her as a Facebook friend ‘if she keeps it low key – others are watching.’ What really bothers me is that he told her she as hot but he is married with kids, then asks her where she wants this to go. She sent a couple pictures I didn’t see, which he sent to a hidden Facebook folder!”
3. Are you finding mixed messages about your husband cheating on Facebook?
There are mixed messages here about whether your husband is cheating on Facebook – which is why it’s so difficult to figure out if a husband is lying about cheating on his wife — especially if you don’t know either the husband or the wife! On one hand, he was honest about being married with kids. On the other, he’s hiding Facebook photos from his wife. What does a wife do with this? Ask him to give her access to all his Facebook messages and files.
4. Does your husband have other social medial or online accounts that he hides from you?
Here’s how one wife found out that her husband was cheating online: “Our marriage was fine until he stayed late at night chatting!” says Mary on How to Be Happy Without Your Husband’s Love. “I cannot remember how I learned that he had three MSN accounts with different names. I found out who his contacts were in each one of the accounts and then I could also realise that some of this contacts were also his Facebook ‘friends.’ When I asked, he said they were old friends he had and that they all knew he was in a relationship and I believed him. But one day we downloaded Window messenger Plus! and a record of his conversations was kept and I read them. It was a horrible day because I could see how ‘close’ friends they were and the vocabulary and topics they discussed. He said, ‘Don’t interfere with my friends and my chatting, I don’t like overjealous women’ and so on!”
This woman’s husband had been cheating on her and lying to her face for a long time. It took her several months to leave him and rebuild her life. But she did, and she’s in a relationship with a new man. It wasn’t easy, but it’s behind her now.
5. What is the biggest sign your husband is cheating on Facebook?
You’re searching for answers to your marriage that can’t be found online. They can only be found in painfully honest conversation with your husband. What do you know deep down that you wish you didn’t know? You are the expert on your marriage. You know your husband better than anyone else on earth does. Do you think he’s using Facebook and cheating on you?
I can’t tell you how to talk to your husband. All marriage relationships are different, and none are easy. Some wives can be honest with their husbands, and say that him being friends with certain women makes them feel very uncomfortable. Other wives can’t be that honest, and don’t even want to be that honest with their husbands.
Here’s another perspective on marriage, cheating, and Facebook: “Facebook is a neutral tool that can be used for innocent or guilty purposes,” says J.M. Kearns, author of Better Love Next Time: How the Relationship that Didn’t Last Can Lead You to the One that Will. “If he’s talking to an ex through the public forums, he may just be keeping in touch.” But if he’s only using Facebook’s private forums, that could be a different story.
Kearns advises having a talk with your husband to set boundaries for his online behavior – and for yours. The stages of flirting can move so fast, sometimes cheating happens before a conscious decision is actually made – even in online venues such as Facebook.
What do you think – does your husband have female Facebook friends that he may be cheating with? Feel free to share your thoughts below. I can’t give advice and have no answers, but you may find writing about your marriage helpful. Sometimes the truth we’ve been trying to avoid comes out when we’re writing.
Here are some questions to answer below or in your private journal:
- What are the signs your husband is using Facebook to cheat on you?
- Read through some of the comments below. What advice would you give to the women who believe their husbands are using Facebook to cheat?
- How are you coping with the thought that your husband might be cheating?