5 Signs Your Wife is Having an Affair


If you’re wondering if your wife is having an affair, you are not alone. Husbands are more likely to suspected of cheating than wives. Yet, a surprising number of women cheat.

Here are several signs of a cheating wife, plus a short “infidelity quiz” that helps husbands objectively assess their wives’ behavior. I found the quiz on the Focus on the Family website; the link is below.

One of the most important clues your wife may be having an affair is how “clean” she is when she comes home. In 11 Common Signs of Cheating – Wisdom After the Affair, I describe how I thought the most common indication was when a cheating spouse came home smelling of a fresh shower, soap, and shampoo. After all, most cheaters clean up afterwards, right? Wrong. According to one book, some cheating wives and husbands will go home smelling unusual, such as of incense, mildew, grass, mouthwash.


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Is your wife having an affair? The best way to find out is to talk to her. You don’t need to hire a private detective or look through her phone, unless you’re certain she’s lying to you. What makes you think she’s cheating on your marriage? Talk to her about your feelings, thoughts, and gut instincts.

And, don’t give up hope in your marriage! Yes, learning how to rebuild trust after an affair is hard work. And even if you decide you want to recommit to each other, there are no guarantees it’ll work out. When Yoko Ono said “marriage is a gamble,” she wasn’t kidding!

You can marry someone you think is perfectly suited to you…but people change. I bet you never thought you’d be asking if your wife is having an affair, or looking for signs of cheating. But, for better or worse, nothing stays the same. Not your marriage, not your wife, and not even you.

5 Signs Your Wife Might Be Cheating

I can’t tell you if your wife is having an affair, but I can share these signs of cheating. I found them from a variety of places: newspapers, magazines, blogs, and my own experience.

Is Your Wife Having an Affair Signs of Cheating

Is Your Wife Having an Affair Signs of Cheating

This article won’t answer all your questions – nor will it give you a definitive answer about whether your wife is having a relationship with another man. But, at least you’ll see you’re not alone.

1. Emotional distance

Probably the biggest sign of cheating is emotional coldness, distance, and isolation. Women generally like to connect and talk to their partners. If your wife is distant emotionally, then she probably doesn’t feel connected to you. And if she doesn’t feel connected to you – her husband – then she may be filling her relationship needs with another man.

2. Secretive, unusual or unexplained behavior

This sign of an affair is to help wives know if their husbands are cheating, but it could equally apply to men who think their wives are having an affair:

“Anything that can be characterized as secretive, unusual or unexplained—or any behavior that has suddenly and inexplicably changed—could signify that he’s hiding something. “If your partner becomes elusive about his whereabouts, something’s probably going on,” says Tony DeLorenzo, owner of All State Investigations and coauthor of Warning Signs: How to Know If Your Partner Is Cheating—and What To Do About It.

Other indicators that something’s amiss? “The computer screen changing when you walk into the room, hushed telephone conversations or calls taken outside, strange body language when in the company of the new gal at work, reluctance to take you places with him and his friends, and general unexplained behavior that feels suspicious, are all clues that your partner is straying.” – from Signs Your Husband Is Having An Affair.

3. Lack of physical intimacy

This could be a sign your wife is having an affair. But, sometimes women don’t feel like being physically intimate for a wide variety of reasons: hormones, self-esteem, work stress, family responsibilities, depression, menopause, emotional disconnection, etc. I wouldn’t list lack of sex as the number one sign of cheating – but it really depends on your marriage.

4. Your reason for asking, “is my wife having an affair?”

Perhaps one of the most telling signs of cheating is your own gut instincts. Why are you asking if your wife is having an affair? You may be picking up on signs, clues, and hints in her behavior, words, and actions. It’s possible that you already know if she’s cheating on you with another man…but you don’t want to admit it.

5. An obsessive need for privacy

is my wife cheatingThis sign of cheating is from Anne Bercht, author of My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me:

“Another sign of infidelity was an obsessive need for ‘private ness’ and staying up late at night to work on the computer. When confronted with his excessive late night hours in front of the monitor, one cheater responded “it’s none of your business. I’m entitled to my privacy.” This is a typical response of an unfaithful spouse. Unfortunately the internet has opened up a whole new way to infidelity.

When your spouse suddenly needs a private email or bank account (which they become highly defensive about maintaining) there is a good chance that they are hiding something, and that something is probably marital infidelity. Hiding credit card statements and phone bills are also among the signs of infidelity.”

A Short Infidelity Quiz

If your wife does several or all of these behaviors, your marriage may be in danger of an affair:

  • Avoids eye contact with you.
  • Talks continually about the unknowns of the future.
  • Shows an increased disinterest in the topic of sex.
  • Makes excuses for not spending time alone with you.
  • Acts unusually guilty when you do something nice for him/her.
  • Quits complimenting you on your physical attractiveness.
  • Stops saying, “I love you” and even acts rudely to you.
  • Starts buying you gifts to ease his or her guilt.

This infidelity quiz was from Warning Signs of an Affair, on the Focus on the Family website.

Now you tell me: is your wife having an affair? It’s important to remember that none of these signs of cheating is absolute evidence your wife is involved with another man. What’s the best way to know for sure? Ask your wife if she’s having an affair. Read books, such as Surviving an Affair below, about what people say when they’re denying that they’re cheating in marriage. Talk to a marriage counselor, get help with your next steps.

If you’re still wondering if your wife is having an affair, read 9 Ways to Know if Your Husband is Lying About Cheating.

Surviving an Affair

Is My Wife Having an Affair Signs of Cheating

In Surviving an Affair, Willard F. Jr. Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers describe the most common types of affairs, the reasons they begin and end, the best way to end cheating in marriage, and how to restore a relationship after an affair.

Most importantly, they’ll help you survive the pain of finding out your wife is cheating. These authors offer step-by-step guidance through infidelity, to help minimize suffering and offer hope for rebuilding a loving and trusting relationship.

How do are you doing? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section below. You may find it helpful to share your experience; writing can be a great way to untangle your feelings and figure out how to proceed.

xo


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9 thoughts on “5 Signs Your Wife is Having an Affair

  • Michael Rios

    I have had countless affairs throughout the years with married women. There are some women that I have been with that have even cheated on a different husband on their first and second husband with me. I have come to realize that women are just as guilty of cheating as men are and are able to cover it up much easier. They do the laundry and are involved in shopping for even their husbands close so they can easily spot a stain or a new shirt when a husband might not ever notice why she is buying new panties to replace the ones I tore off or the ones that she tossed after my cum left them drenched. I’m going to say….follow your gut. If she has always been a sexual person and then all of a sudden you aren’t getting any, she is getting it elsewhere. It’s astonishing to find out how many married women haven’t had multiple orgasms, haven’t experienced multiple positions or felt the pain of a sore pussy and torn clit, haven’t been treated like a slut, haven’t had anal sex or swallowed cum. Women love sex just as much as men and this doesn’t stop just because they’re married. Do you think that the saying “men want a lady on the street but a freak in the bed” is only something men want. Women want a man to take charge, spank their asses and pull their hair while they have sex. The romantic, caressing, sensitive, hold the door open stuff is also important but leave that for date night not in the bedroom. If a man wants to understand why his wife is cheating, maybe he just needs to look in the mirror. Now if your unfortunate enough to not have been blessed in the package department, then you better have some awesome tongue skills, buy her toys, and rim that butt hole. When a women is spent and out of gas because her man does his job right, she won’t stray. Believe me…..I’ve tried to get at those too.

  • Laurie Post author

    Thank you for sharing your experience – and it takes alot of courage and strength to write about the possibility that your wife may be cheating on you. And, I admire your sensitivity to her behavior and habits. Men who aren’t interested in their wives wouldn’t notice or even care that she may be cheating…so the fact that you’re here — and writing about your experience! — is a sign you want to heal your marriage.

    You know your wife better than I could ever hope to. I can’t tell you if she’s having an affair, or even how you should proceed. I wish I had easy answers, but I don’t.

    I encourage you to sit down with someone you trust — a wise friend, a pastor, even a counselor. Talk through what’s been happening in your marriage. Be honest; try not to let your pride stop you from sharing your suspicions and hurt feelings. If your wife won’t talk to you, you need to find someone to share your emotions and thoughts with. Even if your wife does talk to you, it’s still really important to work through your thoughts and feelings on your own.

    What do you think — is there someone you can talk to?

  • Moses

    We have a financial problem with my wife and I am no longer working. So we no longer have sex I don’t know whether I should cut off the relationship because I don’t want to find out that she is cheating on me

  • Scott Jenniges

    I got this gut feeling that my wife is cheating on me she let’s me go stay at my daughter house without asking why I am going or she never calls when I ask her she said when do I have time or I only go to 2 places what really gets me she never ask for sex I just don’t know what to do anymore

  • Richard m

    My wife lost interest in sex with me 2 years ago now it has to be special occasion .she’s does do things to try to keep m3 satisfied .but makes excuses to not let me do things to her..she’s happy in the morning when leaving to work ..but unhappy at home..she said she’s just tired we do have 3 kids at home..when I try to talk to her about what I feel it’s usually an argument

  • Gert

    if you have a gut instinct that your wife is having an affair and wants to see for yourself that your gut instinct is telling the truth.What can i do?

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Linda. I agree – these aren’t necessarily signs a wife is having an affair. They’re also signs of a disconnected marriage.

    May you find happiness, peace and joy in your relationship with your husband.

  • linda

    These signs you list are signs of a disconnected relationship not cheating. My husband is grumpy, depressed, with a history of verbal and emotional abuse. After being emotional and hurt for years I cried my last tear as a victim. But hanging with someone who constantly complains and has no sense of fun is not conducive to being “in the mood”. If I don’t get satisfaction a half hour post mortem follows and evolves into accusing me of cheating. Which I never have – never even talked to a man. So next time Im less inclined. And if im honest about why im not in the mood that also devolves into how terrible I am. For many women like me the LAST thing we want is ANOTHER man!

    • Johnnie

      Linda your experiences and impressions are appreciated. I am NOT a counselor or therapist but, your final sentence seems to indicate a deeper issue within your marriage. In fact, most women or men (cheaters) don’t want the man or woman they are with that’s why they find a reason to cheat. As a former adulterer myself, and although young at the time (25, but was married by 19) all I really wanted was to have my wife to be honest with me. I had told my then 32 year old new bride everything about me; even things my parents or siblings had not known. After the many arguments about how we would rear our children, how I was spending more time working out, playing ball or just hanging with a few guys, working on someone else’s job and the stressors that are attached I was approached and succumbed to the wiles of the enemy and my flesh. I was a perfect prey for the devil who used multiple women to seduce me by telling, doing, and giving me EVERYTHING I was not getting at home, and desired to hear!
      Initially, I wasn’t bothered by my infidelity and would just leave the house following any argument or disagreement, no matter how small. Shamed to say, I would use them as the perfect getaway excuse. Later, it became more like a game…the more she inquired and accused (rightfully so), the more thrilled and obsessed I became with NOT let her find out about my misdeeds. My thinking was I wasn’t cheating in the beginning, rather working hard to provide for my family by being a dedicated Christian, Husband, and Father…and in that order. So as my string of indulgences were being discovered and in order to affirm my position, I had to prove my wife’s perception of my actions were equally incorrect as she had been before my adulteress acts began. This led to more more lies, manipulation and sin! You see, I had legitimate concerns about the direction our marriage was headed before I began my infedilious endeavors, but my youth (inexperienced mind) rationalized my continued indulgences in those behaviors to make things better for myself; but they didn’t. Things got much worse.
      I’ve always felt I loved my wife, even from the beginning, but as I’ve grown and reflected over the years I’ve learned I never knew ‘how to’ love my wife. The Bible proscribes it this way “sacrificially”.
      While in my sin, the Holy Spirit convicted me about what I was doing and initiated my turning point (praise God for His mercy). In the years after my infidelity I have NOT been perfect, but I have striven for perfection. I realized that NO MATTER what I felt my wife did or didn’t do, I had an obligation to do what I have been commanded to do by God Himself. In other words, God will hold me accountable for my lack of obedience just as He would my wife for hers. I, like most men desire to reverenced by my wife, but the reality is that doesn’t always happen. In fact, if I were to take a poll, most men would agree their wives likely oppose them in most ways. Nevertheless, we are still accountable to the Almighty for how WE (men) love our wives.
      So to Linda and the wives who share your sentiments, you’re right….” the LAST thing…” you should “want is ANOTHER man!” This view, while acceptable and should be the proud anthem of any virtuous woman, inevitably leads a spouse to form a negative or incorrect view of her husband, his God-given authority, decisions and actions. In other words, women with this attitude must change the way they view their Husbands. I encourage you to begin to see your man as your Knight in shining armor, whether he presents himself as one or not. Pray for your husband and support him, especially during his difficult times (whatever that may be) which is when he is the most vulnerable and susceptible to the wiles of the devil. This is the same love Jesus loved us with “…while we were yet sinners, Christ died for our sin “(Rom.5:8). As more husbands begin to love their wives’ more sacrificially and wives reverence their own husbands, the less room will be given to the enemy to break down the walls of our marriages from the inside.
      God Bless