Q: I got married 6 months ago and though I haven’t cheated on my husband and nor do I want to, I’m wondering if I married the wrong guy. I’m still in love with my ex. We were together four years and had way more connection then me and my husband do. I feel guilt all the time. Me and my ex were very young, and I know he feels the same. But, our lives just went different ways. I was in a bad place and felt like I had to marry my husband to get out of trouble. I felt like I owed it to him. Thanks for listening, I have never told anyone this.
When You’re Still in Love With Your Ex
A: It’s important to remember that we often think of our past loves with more affection and fond memories than actually existed. We idealize our past romances, and tend to only remember the good parts. We forget the irritations, arguments, and annoying bad habits. We forget the snoring, farting, and forgetting of anniversaries and chores. We forget the toilet seats and dirty clothes.
If you think you’re married to the wrong guy, it may be a natural reaction to the difficulty and mundane-ness of being married. My first two or three years of marriage were definitely the hardest, because I was settling into the idea of being a wife (and possible mother. Scary!). It was weird to be married at first, and it’s normal for some women to entertain thoughts of past boyfriends.
So…did you marry the wrong guy, or are you just bored now that the excitement of the wedding is over? Did you make a mistake? I don’t know. Only you can answer that.
It’s also important to remember that you can still love your ex, and be happily married to your husband. You were with your ex-boyfriend for four years, and that kind of love never disappears forever. At some level , you’ll always love him. Does this mean you married the wrong guy? Maybe, maybe not.
If You Think You Married the Wrong Guy…
Remember that you married him for specific reasons. Are your reasons enough to build a solid, healthy, happy marriage on? I don’t know why you married him, but I believe you thought you were doing the right thing at the time. What has changed between now and then, to make you question whether he’s the right guy for you?
Need marriage help? Get FREE relationship advice from Marriage Coach Mort Fertel.
If I were you, I’d commit myself to my marriage for at least 2 years. I’d leave the past where it belongs (it’s over, and you can’t go back). I’d focus on building a happy, healthy relationship, and find ways to connect with my husband. I’d also do interesting things with my life: travel, school, new career, learn a musical instrument, take Zumba, etc. I’d try to settle into my marriage, and explore the rest of my life.
Read Should You Try to Get Your Ex Back? 16 Questions to Ask Yourself – in it, I discuss ways to overcome the feelings of love for an ex-boyfriend.