When You Were Raped and Your Boyfriend Can’t Cope

Telling your boyfriend you were raped could be the most important thing you do in your relationship. How will he cope with the shock, anger and pain of his girlfriend being raped? His reaction may surprise you. These tips for coping with a boyfriend who can’t deal with his girlfriend’s rape are inspired by a reader and my own experience. I am a survivor of sexual assault – and so are you.

“I was raped by one of my best friends and I felt it was my fault, so I didn’t tell my boyfriend,” says Sally on How to Tell Someone You Were Sexually Abused as a Child. “A few months later I talked to a girl who was raped, and I really related to her. I realized the rape wasn’t my fault. I told my boyfriend two weeks ago, thinking he’d understand and be there for me. I was wrong. He couldn’t handle it and broke up with me a few nights ago. He wants to remain friends. It hurts that my boyfriend can walk away so easily. Although he’s being a jerk and a baby about this, I love him. I want to tell him how angry I am, but I’m scared if I make him mad he will stop talking to me. Part of me doesn’t want to be friends so I can move on, but I also want to be with him again. I’m torn. Please help.”

Talking to someone in person or on the phone can be an important step to healing. Just saying “I was raped” might be a relief. It won’t be easy to talk about. You won’t immediately be healed. But you if you find the right type of support, you can work your way through the grief, pain, shock, confusion and terror of being a rape victim. This part of the healing process – your own personal journey – does not require you to talk to your boyfriend about being raped. Your boyfriend doesn’t have the power to help you. It doesn’t matter how strong he is, how healthy your relationship is, or how long you’ve been together. Healing from the trauma of rape is a journey you ultimately have to take alone. Getting support and help from others is important, but they can’t heal you. Get the support you need to cope with the rape. Call a sexual assault hotline, or a women’s help center.

In this article, I share a few ideas for coping with a boyfriend who doesn’t understand what it’s like to be raped, or how to cope with a traumatic rape.

I Was Sexually Assaulted – But Not Raped

When I was 18 years old, a man broke into my apartment to try to rape me. It was the most horrifying experience of my life, and I still live with occasional bouts of fear and anxiety in certain situations. I’m almost 47 years old now. I can’t believe it’s been almost 30 years since that guy attempted to rape me, and the memory is still fresh.

When Your Boyfriend Can’t Cope With the Rape
me (Laurie)

He had my kitchen knife – I lived alone in a basement suite – and I woke up at 3:08 am to see his crouched at the foot of my bed. It was actually the night of my grade 12 graduation, which I hadn’t attended.

I screamed, and he shoved his hand down my throat. We wrestled for a bit, and he touched me. I somehow managed to get over to the side of the bed and turn on my clock radio. I blasted it, hoping someone would hear and come save me. He reached for the plug, and I was able to break free and run outside. I wrote about the whole experience in How I Dealt With an Intruder in My Bedroom in the Middle of the Night.

That was almost thirty years ago, and just last night I was scared that someone would break into my house again. The consequences of being attacked, sexually assaulted, or raped never go away :-(

And it’s even worse when your husband or boyfriend doesn’t know how to support you.

What to Remember if Your Boyfriend Can’t Cope With the Rape

One of the after effects of being raped is that your loved ones often don’t know what to do or say. Your boyfriend may have certain ideas and opinions about the assault, but he has no idea what you’re really going through. This is normal. Even another survivor doesn’t know exactly how you feel or what you’re going through. Only you know exactly how you feel, which makes this a journey you must walk alone. Find companions, people to support you, kindred spirits to connect with…but know that this is ultimately a journey you take alone.

1. Know that rape triggers deep-seated, painful emotions

I taught grade 8 for three years, and one of my male students’ sisters was raped. My student had a very, very difficult time coping with his sister’s rape – his pain came out in different ways, all the time. He felt helpless, scared, and unable to help her deal with the rape. He was emotionally volatile, and would outburst in anger at the drop of a hat.

Rape can trigger very painful emotions for men. They may not even realize how deep-seated their reaction is to your rape. They don’t know how to interact with you physically and emotionally. They’re confused and bewildered.

If your boyfriend can’t cope with your rape, remember that he’s dealing with his own emotional baggage – and his pain may have nothing to do with you. It’s a selfish response on your boyfriend’s part, to allow his own pain and discomfort overcome his love and compassion for you. But, humans are often selfish – we often act out of self-preservation and survival.

2. Accept that some men are not emotionally equipped to cope with rape

Helping someone you love cope with something as painful and violent as rape requires patience, maturity, and a deep sense of compassion. It’s not necessarily about love – your boyfriend can love you with all his heart, but not be able to cope with your rape.

Your boyfriend may not know how to separate his own emotional baggage from his feelings of compassion for you. He’s simply too immature to cope with a girlfriend who was raped. He has his own issues about rape, and he’s not able to reach out to you.

It’s not about you. It’s about him. This doesn’t make it easier to be with a boyfriend who can’t cope with the fact that you were raped, but try not to take it personally. If you want to get closer to your boyfriend, learn how to overcome emotional disconnection in a relationship.

3. Ask your boyfriend if he’s willing to learn how to talk about rape recovery

If your boyfriend is making your recovery from the rape more difficult, you might have to let him go. I know how painful it is to break up with your boyfriend at the most painful and lowest point of your life, but if he can’t cope with the rape, you have to protect yourself.

A great way to heal from being raped – and from the breakup – is to reach out to other survivors. Volunteer at a crisis center – give other women the opportunity to connect with you. Their own boyfriends may not be able to cope with their rape, and they would be grateful to have you to talk to.

Here’s a helpful resource to help and educate your boyfriend: Supporting Someone Who Has Experienced Sexual Violence: Information for Partners.

What to Do When You Were Raped and Your Boyfriend Can’t Cope
What to Do When You Were Raped and Your Boyfriend Can’t Cope

4. Look for a different source of comfort, healing and support

Sally said she related to a girl who had been raped – and that’s one of the best ways to cope with being raped! Connect with other women who were raped, and ask them how their boyfriends or husbands coped with it.

If your boyfriend was more mature, I’d suggest he join a men’s support group or get counseling to help him understand and cope with the rape. I’d also suggest he read A Man’s Guide to Helping a Woman Who Was Raped. But, it’s important to accept that some men can’t cope with rape. They walk away instead of reaching towards you. I think it’s better to let a boyfriend like that go, so you can move on and start a new chapter of your life. Maybe one day he’ll come back to you – maybe he’ll cope with the feelings of his girlfriend being raped, and he’ll get healthy and able to love you.

Recovering From Rape

In Healing from Trauma: A Survivor’s Guide to Understanding Your Symptoms and Reclaiming Your Life Jasmin Lee Cori offers a wide range of perspectives and options for rape recovery. You’ll learn what reactions to expect from loved ones and how to cope with them. Facing your feelings and reactions to the rape is painful, but it will help you heal.

You Were Raped Boyfriend Can’t Cope

In this book Jasmin can help you understand trauma and its devastating effects, identify symptoms of trauma such as dissociation and emotional numbing. If you learn about the mental health problems that stem from traumatic experiences such as rape and sexual assault, you can manage your reactions and memories.

Whether or not your boyfriend helps you recover from the rape, try to create a balanced life that supports your healing. You can reclaim your life, personality, and inner strength. You will heal and get through this. You experienced a terrible thing that should never have happened to you, but it doesn’t have to define who you are or where your life is going.

In Life, Reinvented: A Guide to Healing from Sexual Trauma for Survivors and Loved Ones, Erin Carpenter brings both inspiration and practical tools to survivors of sexual assault, rape, or childhood sexual abuse and their friends, family members, and partners.

What to Do When You Were Raped and Your Boyfriend Can’t Cope

Erin combines recent research, years of clinical experience, and first-hand accounts of healing to offer a unique viewpoint on recovery from trauma. Life, Reinvented begins with myths and facts about sexual trauma. Erin introduces common symptoms and describes what happens in the brain when a trauma like rape occurs. She also explains how trauma-related symptoms are actually signs of healing after you were raped or sexually assaulted.

The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse is another helpful book for women who were raped, but can’t talk about it.

Were you raped? How did your boyfriend or loved ones cope? Write about your experience in the comments section below. I can’t offer advice or counseling, but writing can help you gain clarity and insight. Sometimes just telling your story helps you cope with both rape and a boyfriend who doesn’t understand.


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64 thoughts on “When You Were Raped and Your Boyfriend Can’t Cope”

  1. Dear Jane,

    Thank you for sharing this.

    What you described is exactly how i am feeling. I don’t know if you will ever see this message or you and your boyfriend are still together. I am in exactly the same position, but I am the boyfriend.

    What you described, how he felt and how this truth affected him is so accurate that it brought me consolation to my soul… i would just like to offer some more clarity from the perspective of the victim’s partner.

    For me, one of the biggest challenges is that the thought of leaving someone i really love and care so deeply about is worse than staying in the relationship but falling to pieces struggling to cope.
    There are therapy sessions which the victims can attend and books which can be read, but often we sheerly can never understand the feelings of second-hand y the partner of the victim.

    It feels like you are trapped. Trapped in your own head, replaying scenarios of seeing someone you love have such abhorrent acts of human torture being played out again and again every day. It consumes you… for a long time, i couldn’t eat. When i managed to sleep i had nightmares. When you are not together and you miss her, i cannot stop thinking about what happened to her, i can’t concentrate on anything and what makes things worse is the guilt that is manifold. I feel guilty that i know for my own health i need to leave her and forget about her. I feel guilty that i’m not strong enough to fight for her. I feel guilty about pushing her away. I feel guilty about any form of sex and i feel guilty for bringing up the topic with my girlfriend who has and probably never will fully recover from the trauma and devastation that she has to endure every day, for the rest of her life.

    There is no solution but i can tell you this… if you think that your boyfriend is handling it well, he isn’t. I’m strong. I have been through so much but come so far. I’m a very successful man. I’m not talking about business or anything to do with money, i’m successful as a man. It’s not fair to label the victim’s partner as immature like I have seen in the comments, and to be truly honest, to say that to him is actually emotionally raping him. Now a boy that taunts and denies and downplays what happened, block him right now out of your life and hope and pray you never see him again. But to label a partner that had genuine feelings of care adoration and love as too immature or not strong enough to deal with this Is belittling his love and care for you. What the victim is trying to do is a common problem with trauma- they try to push away the ones that they need and love the most. But all is forgiven…

    What i crave and long for the most will shock you. I love her to bits. My girl is sexy, beautiful, talented, funny, smart, strong… i could go on forever.
    But what i wish the most is for her to end it.
    If you are a victim of this, and you have not recovered, and you are with someone who truly loves you, i know it may sound twisted, but if you truly love them, do not put them through this.
    It’s so awful to say, i know. Almost as awful as my incorrect commas littered all over this comment… no now is not the time for joking.
    It is true what they say. You can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself. I implore you to recover from this, even if it takes you 10 years, 20 years 30 years. You will never be “normal” (what the hell is normal anyway) but when i say recover, i mean do whatever it takes to heal your trauma to a good level. Then you can have relationships, because it is truly awful to be in the same situation as me.

    Please take my comment with a pinch of salt and think carefully before you take advice from anyone. I can only describe my feelings and everyone’s situations are different. But i hope someone find value in the words i have written. If you disagree and interpret this as bad advice, i’m just going to say that the best advice is no advice and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. For people going through this, the best thing is talking about it. My girlfriend never does and thinking about it on my own is 50% of the problem. It’s actually kind of selfish what she has done, but understandably so. It’s very difficult for everyone. All i hope is i pray that you both heal. The world is an unfair and cold place but for every bad act there is a million good.

  2. Reading the post from everyone has given me more insight that my ex-boyfriend/ father of my son is not the only selfish person. I told my ex-boyfriend of three years that I was raped after he helped create such a bad case of postpartum depression by getting on dating websites, and writing other women for sex while I was pregnant and after I gave birth. After the relationship ended he said the reason he ended it was because he was not satisfied because he was not receiving oral sex. Even the fact he knows the reasoning of me not being able to do those things because of the rape, he stills blames me for him not being satisfied. Not only am I dealing with the trauma from the rape and getting pregnant and having a miscarriage, but I’m also dealing with postpartum depression from the way he treated me during this past pregnancy. I’m doing counseling now to help with the reject from my ex-boyfriend/ father of my son and to try to heal from these traumatic events.

  3. I was raped last week,my boyfriend stopped talking to me after I told him,whenever he sees me he behaves as though he doesn’t know me,well its painful but I am at least glad I can know tell that he doesn’t care and he isn’t worth all the time I would have wasted in the relationship.

  4. He loves me and says he still does but doesn’t want to be with me in a relationship,i felt very bad that my love didn’t want to be with me when I needed him the most,he still says I wanted it to happen to me this hurts me even more

    He stopped calling me and tells me to be Friends with him and just move on,he says am the only girl he saw a future with and it’s true,he would talk about our future together where we would live how many kids to have
    Am scared to move on I really need help

    1. Dear Miriam,
      I’m so sorry you’re going through this – both the rape and your boyfriend’s inability to cope with it. You need him now more than ever, and he is turning away. It’s terrible, and I wish you didn’t have to experience this pain.
      It’s time to turn to other people and places for help. You must reach out to other people you trust, so you can heal. Don’t hold this in, keep writing and talking about how you feel. Don’t let the trauma and pain of the rape push you down forever.
      Sometimes we have to take good care of ourselves, because others can’t step in to help us. That’s why faith and a relationship with God is so important! Some types of healing and strength can only come from Him.
      Take good care of yourself. Feel free to come back anytime and share how you are. I can’t give advice or offer counseling, but I will read everything you write!
      With His love,

  5. It takes so much courage and strength to share your experience of being raped – and your boyfriend’s response. Thank you for opening up here and being honest.
    The most important thing is willingness to try to move past the pain and trauma of rape. If you and your boyfriend can talk about it, you’re halfway home! Equally important is to get outside help from a counselor or therapist who has experience helping survivors of sexual assault. I went to a free counselor through my church – she was so nice and kind, but she couldn’t handle the trauma of rape.
    It’s important for both you and your boyfriend to get individual help. Seeing a counselor together, as a couple, would be good…but I think it’s even more important for both of you to get emotionally healthy on a personal level. The healthier you are as individuals, the healthier you will be as a couple!
    Don’t rely on yourself, or the internet. Get in-person help. And explore your faith! Jesus offers so much power, strength and healing. Your spiritual health is the foundation of everything else…and you can’t get spiritually healthy without knowing your God as your Father.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers! May you find hope and healing, strength and wisdom. I pray for peace and freedom in your life, and for a sense of God that surpasses all understanding.
    With His love,

  6. As useful as this is to read, my problem is a little different. I was raped a long time ago by two different people at two different periods of my life. When I began dating my current boyfriend he was really into complete trust and no secrets (which he still believes in), so we shared everything. we have both been through some tough stuff, but I couldn’t tell him about my rape for a while. After being together for four months I felt he should know. He seemed to take it very well, he asked questions that I answered with no problem. It was therapeutic to talk about it because I had never seen a therapist about it and it was a touchy subject in my family. I thought everything was fine.
    On our 8 months he shared he has a similar thing happen when he was younger, it was close call but thankfully nothing physical happened to him. He told me it still bothered him to thank about what happened to me. It’s been a year and a half and while in his car he tearfully told me that he didn’t know how to cope with what happened to me. He said he didn’t know what to do, that some nights it kept him up, he couldn’t concentrate, and even it being brought up in movies effected him even though it never had before. It’s like he has PTSD from MY past and I don’t know how to handle it or understand why it has effected him this way. He’s going to see a therapist about it because he is afraid if he doesn’t he’ll leave. He told me that maybe if he distanced himself from me the feelings would fade, but he told me how stupid that sounded and has already started looking for a way to cope. How am I supposed to help him through this? Can I?
    I’d also like to add my boyfriend understands what happened wasn’t my fault and hates himself for feeling this way, we are both trying to find a way to better this situation.

  7. Hey.. reading these messages i have to say you all have wonderful boyfriends who loves u.. i thought i had the same.. when i told him about my assault which was taking everything in me. he laughed at me 😭he’s still laughing at me. while i was writing this he just called me to say i was lying 😭i don’t know what to do anymore i have like no one on my side i told my mom and all she said was go to the police.. i don’t know what to do 😞

  8. Ummm I understand completely what you are saying but I came on here to learn how to help my gf and it just seems like a male bashing article. Smh

    1. After experiencing it myself and understanding where the other person in the relationship is coming from (you in this case)…the best thing you can do is support your girlfriend, but also seek help yourself. Depending on the situation and your own life experiences it can be very difficult for you to process as well. She may not want to talk about it at all or maybe she will, just listen. If she wants to report it or do something about it, then try and help her get information about that and stick it out..it can be a long, invasive process. Just support her and believe her.

      But please, please…make sure you talk to someone yourself, whether it’s a professional or someone you trust. It’s a lot to process and a long road to recovery for both of you. Wish you guys the best of luck!

  9. I’m glad you’re here, and that you’re brave enough to write about your experience with being raped! It’s a terrible and painful thing to reveal. It should never have happened to you – and no matter what the circumstances were, it was not your fault.

    You did nothing wrong. The rape was not your fault. People don’t understand what you went through or how it happened. Sometimes you don’t even know what happened, it’s all just a blur. Your boyfriend may not be able to cope because he doesn’t understand how rape can happen, or how traumatic the aftereffects are.

    The most important thing to do is find someone in person to talk to. Call a helpline, talk to a counselor, confide in a friend that you trust. Join a survivors’ support group. It’s important to talk about the rape because it’ll help you work through the pain and untangle your thoughts. You’ll see you’re not alone, and you’ll find people who understand you.

    Don’t carry this burden alone. There are kind, compassionate, caring women who understand rape – and who understand boyfriends who can’t cope! Talk to someone who knows what it’s like.

    Take good care of yourself. I don’t know exactly what feelings you’re struggling with, but it’s important to work through them. This is part of taking care of yourself! It’s painful to face and experience the emotional pain of rape, but it’s a crucial part of healing. Your boyfriend isn’t the best person to talk to; it’s better to talk to women who know what it’s like. They understand in a way men can’t. Your boyfriend might be able to love and support you through the healing process, but he won’t understand or help you cope with rape the way a female survivor or trained professional can.

    How are you? Feel free to come back anytime, share how you’re doing.

    With warmth and love,

    1. I shared this with my boyfriend the story of my rape situation a few months ago. I have handled myself and I am now thankfully though the bad times! But He’s been so depressed, It is eating away at him and he doesn’t know how to process it and get over it, he still wants to stay together but he cannot get it out of his head and get it off his mind.
      He has expressed this to me, but I do know what to say or do to make it easier, it is so fustraging, please help x

  10. I haven’t really done this before. I’ve been raped in the past and the first time I was ever sexually assaulted was in the 6th grade. Recently it happened again. I feel I put myself in the situation…because I chose to go out and drink with a group of people (guys) I didn’t know so well. Long story short, I drank too much and found myself in a bad situation. I remember telling him no and trying to get him to stop, but I don’t remember too much else. When I confronted him the next day he told me he remembered everything and even agreed that I said no a few times, but he had no answer as to why it still continued. I wanted to be as honest as I could with my boyfriend, I knew he wouldn’t take it well, but I had no real expectations of how everything would go. As of right now he says he can’t deal with it or is having a hard time dealing with it. He’s upset about the situation and the fact that I put myself in the situation. That I was with a group of guys. I don’t think he is intentionally trying to hurt me by saying these things, but he’s never dealt with this before and is feeling that I cheated. He says he can’t help but feel that way. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to deal with it myself and get myself through this with the support of friends, but I have an overwhelming need to want to help him instead. To help him get through it. I feel this may end our relationship and I don’t know what to do. He’s always been there for me in the past and has tried his best to be supportive anyway he could through a long distance relationship, but I don’t know if he’ll be able to do it this time.

  11. Hello! I was raped by some men in my past . I just shared this with my boyfriend. He’s been so depressed and doesn’t want me to be without him so he can protect me. It is eating away at him wishing he could have been there to prevent it from happening. He’s so depressed and can’t seem to stop thinking about it. I have learned to cope with it but worry about him.

  12. What can my best friend Don physically do to help me get over my fear of him? He hasn’t done anything to instill fear in me, but he is male, and I shake and cry when he is near me. I’m thinking some sort of exposure therapy. He really wants to help me get this behind me. He wants to just hold me until the fear goes away. He is 63 and I am 46. I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m both afraid of him and really want to be held and to feel safe by him at the same time. I stare at the floor all the time and the other day he put a bent finger under my chin to make me look at him. Also that day, he cupped my face to make me look him in the eyes. It scared me when he did that, as I don’t know what anything like that means or what to expect…pain? a kiss? (I’ve never kissed anyone before) a slap in the face, a hug? I have no idea. A friend told me that it is very important to look him in the eyes. That it communicates important things to me. What would his looking me in the eyes or vice versa communicate to me? (I had a repressed memory of being raped surface recently)

  13. I was raped 16years ago . I’ve kept it to myself I’m still with my partner we have been together for 23years . Every year maybe twice a year my partner would bring up about that night saying to me something happened , I know what he was like but I couldn’t say . The morning after what happened my partner said what happened last night I know something did I know what he is like but I couldn’t say anything so this has been going on for 16 years now . 2month ago he brought it back up and said he is going to get the truth he isn’t going to stop tilll he finds out . For the last 2month i still couldn’t tell him I’ve been lying to him about it , but just recently I’ve said what happened but he doesn’t believe me cause I’ve lied so much about it ,he keeps saying that it’s him asking me questions I’ve not went to him to tell him what happened so when I said what did happen he can’t believe me . So how do I get him to listen to me he said he might have to go for lie detector test or hypnosis but I don’t want that please can you help me .

    1. Dear Fiona,

      Thank you for being here, and sharing your experience with being raped and not being able to tell your boyfriend about it. It’s completely understandable! And, it takes a lot of courage to talk about being raped, and I’m so glad you’re sharing. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It’s terrible. It’s not fair, and it should never have happened to you. :-(

      There’s more to this than just getting a lie detector test or hypnosis. Your boyfriend isn’t listening to you, and that’s a trust, respect and love issue in a relationship. It’s not just about whether you were raped. It goes deeper, and I encourage you to get help with the deeper parts of your relationship with him.

      The best — and only — way to get help is to talk to a counselor in person. Call a sexual assault helpline, and ask for support. It’ll take time to work through your feelings about being raped and unsupported by your boyfriend. This is is one of the many crappy parts of being raped or sexually abused! I’m so sorry you have to go through this, but honestly….the only way to heal is to call someone and work through it.

      What do you think? Will you call for help?

      With love,

  14. I was sexually harassed by my best friends brother for about 3 years. It all first started when I woke up and I feel asleep with my bikini on and a blanket covering me. And when I woke up he was humping me. And when he realized I was awake he made me do things and forced himself on me. He did anal and oral that night and threatened me. This continued for 3 years. He got his best friend involved with it as well. He made me do things that I did not want for so long. I was 11 when it all started and lasted till I was about 14. At the time he also tried to do the same to a girl when I was 13. She is two years younger than me. I was always being touched and I couldn’t do anything. He told me that he would make my life hell if I said anything to anyone he would make my life hell to the point where I would kill myself. My best friend still doesn’t know to this day. When I go over there he always tries and touches me. I have a boyfriend now, and he is sweet and kind but when I told him what happened, he made sure I was ok but he said this is a lot to handle. I don’t know what to do I’m terrified of seeing my best friends brother, But if I tell my best friend than she won’t believe me. I feel like I’m all alone, Can Anyone help me? I am still in High School and I don’t know what to do?

    1. Dear Brianna,

      I’m so glad you told your boyfriend. He sounds supportive and kind….but he doesn’t know how to handle the situation. That’s understandable, because neither of you have experienced this before! It’s hard to know what to do when you’re in a new, scary, threatening situation. Especially when it involves such a sick, violent person. He is a bad man, and he shouldn’t be allowed to do this to you and other girls! It’s not fair, or right.

      Tell an adult you trust that your best friend’s brother has been harassing you for 3 years. You already know he’s sexually harassing other girls, as well. They, too, are too scared to say anything because of his threats. He is a bully, and you’re letting him control you and push you around.

      Talking about it may be difficult, but it’s the only healthy way to cope. You know that — that’s why you’re here! You want to get help, you want to stay friends with your best friend, and you want the harassment to stop. You know what you want, which is awesome. Now, you have to do the hard part: start taking steps towards getting what you want.

      I wrote this article, to help women talk about being raped:
      How to Tell Someone You Were Sexually Abused

      Brianna, who are three adults you can tell? Who do you trust?


  15. I have been separated from my ex-boyfriend for a while, but after being on and off for 2 years we have still been seeing each other often. Recently it has been mostly sexual, but during the prior 2 years we had been deeply in love, both each other’s first loves. As we have been hanging out, I invited him over for the night and he asked to bring a few friends, wanting to go out. I agreed, although knowing I did not know most of his friends coming to my apartment. I blacked out before leaving the apartment to go to a nearby bar with them, and was eventually kicked out because I was too drunk. From what my ex has told me, they all walked me home but when the police stopped us to talk, one of his friends, that I did not know and my ex had just met that night, walked ahead with me and brought me to my apartment. I woke up covered in bruises all over my body. They were bad, dark and swollen. They were on my wrists, arms, elbows, shoulder and chest, hip, legs and knees, and ankles. I had a bruise on my cheek bone and corner of my eye. I was in a lot of pain. My ex said he was very sorry I was marked up like that, and answered some questions I had and was comforting at first. I was told I tried to push this man down the stairs of my apartment, and I remember my apartment was torn apart. I also know he was with me alone for at least half an hour because i called my ex at 1:26 and recieved 3 missed calls from him at 1:46. He had to wait to be let in the main door and by the time he came into my apartment, around 2, I regained my memory/was sobering up. At this point I was cleaning up the mess, i didn’t know what happened. I also found out that my screaming, reported to my school’s public safety, began 10 mins before I called my ex, around 1:15 and continued for an hour. I know this because i have a friend who lives in the building and when I asked her she said her roommate had texted her about screaming that same night. At the time my ex came back she said “this girl has been screaming for an hour.” when my ex came back I remember everything. It was not him . This also is clear according to the time frame between when I was with the other guy and when my ex came back, the fact that within that time frame my apartment was torn apart, and that I allegedly tried to push him down the stairs, which I would never to unprovoked. This man physically assaulted me either way. He hurt me. I don’t know if he raped me or tried to but I know he beat me up badly. This man was also released from prison three months ago and I do not know his name. I have been raped before and this has been very traumatic for me to experience. What made it so much worse is that my ex began to completely ignore me . He told me it was too much and “leave me alone.” When I asked if he could get the guy’s name he said “nah”. I told him how much this was hurting me and he didn’t respond and he knew I saw that he was receiving the messages. I spoke to a couple of friends who have had boyfriends abandon them after assault or attempted rape. Apparently it is common and I am having trouble understanding it. He has seen the bruises and knows how bad it was. How could he ignore me at a time like this?

    1. Dear Jasmine,

      I’m sorry you experienced the assault; it sounds like a frightening and traumatic experience. And, I can’t imagine the pain and loneliness when your boyfriend can’t give you the support you need.

      I don’t know how he could ignore you after this. Maybe he feels helpless, or doesn’t know what to say to you. But ultimately, the reasons he’s not supporting or understanding you isn’t as important as you getting the help you need.

      Have you found help or support? How are you coping with the aftermath of the assault? Even if your boyfriend was more understanding, it’s important to find a solid source of support. You’ll be dealing with many complicated emotions as the aftermath of the rape wears off…how will you get through this?

      Let me know how you’re doing, and what support you’ve found.

      With a big warm hug,

      1. Dear Laurie,

        Thank you so much for reaching out. I am seeing a therapist about what happened. I am not sure if I was raped as I have no memory of the attack, all I know is that he hurt me badly. I hope that I was able to fight him off. It frustrates me that I could possibly get details about the night to help determine the likelihood of being raped from my ex or his friends who were there, who decided it was okay for this man, that only one of them knew, to walk me home while they all went to get another beer. I feel as if it is my fault due to their indifference about my safety in making that decision (two of them completely sober and one of those two a female). My ex’s abandoning of me reinforces that feeling. I have a few of the contacts of people who were in that group , but I feel they would ignore me too if I reached out with questions. The assault was horrible in intself to accept, but the feeling of being blamed or not believed makes it so much worse. I know this man produced his own narrative saying I’m crazy and attacked him for no reason. I don’t know how they could believe that, at least my ex who saw all of my bruises. His motive is clear to me because I’m assuming he offered to walk me home, it’s absurd to think my ex or the other female in the group weren’t chosen instead and therefore this man probably insisted. He had to have offered and for predictable reasons. The pure inconsideration of them letting him walk me and lack of support after what happen almost feel worse than the attack. My ex’s explanation was inconsistent and there is a lot i could ask of the others to help ease my mind about being raped, even if it is not any guarantee that I wasn’t. I wish I felt these people were there for me even though we aren’t close. It seems like that’s what good people do and if they don’t, they are protecting someone or think it’s my fault. I’m hesitant to ask anymore questions, even though I know I deserve to ask. It’s all very overwhelming and hurtful.

        Sorry to vent. But my therapist kind of just listens and I like that people on this blog have similar experiences and good advice. Again thank you for reaching out!

  16. I was raped just about 1-2 days ago.. I mean you’d count it rape if the guy used a condom right..? Anyway my boyfriend and his friends and family are all turned against me because they think that rape doesn’t mean using condoms. They think it’s all bare. Listen I didn’t wanna do any of it. I didn’t want it. My boyfriend says he can’t look at me anymore the same way. I love him and he always gets broken so easily and I wanna help him too. But now he just doesn’t wanna do our fall asleep calls together anymore. He doesn’t text me regularly anymore. I’m so f**king broken and he’s all against me. He feels like I cheated. I’d never. NEVER. Do such a disgusting thing.. he said he’s not the same anymore.. Well sh*t I’m not either but it makes me feel like it’s all about him.. I know I broke him but I was broken too.. I wanna fix us. Him being mad at me and being broken.. I feel so useless and alone.. Replies would be nice..


    1. Dear Shar,

      Thank you for sharing your experience here; I’m sorry you had to experience the assault. What a terrible thing for you – and I can only imagine how bad it is when your boyfriend doesn’t understand. Worse, when he can’t help you because he’s broken and unable to cope with the rape.

      Have you talked to a rape counselor? It’s important to work through your emotions and learn how you can cope with everything you’re feeling. Talking in person with someone who is objective will help you figure out how to deal with your boyfriend’s reaction, and maybe even how to fix your relationship. You’re strong and smart, and courageous! But no matter how strong, smart, and courageous you are…you can’t fix your relationship by yourself.

      Reach out for support. Find someone who can help you get through this, who will walk with you until you’re ready to walk on your own. Don’t try to do this alone….now is the time to reach out for help. You’ve already started, by sharing your experience here! But please go further, and get in-person support.

      Take heart, for you are not alone. You will get through this, and you’ll find healing, joy, and peace. Allow yourself time to heal and recover…and know that you WILL come through this!

      Take good care of yourself….and let me know how you’re doing today. How are you?

      – Laurie

  17. I was raped 2 days ago. I’m in my 20’s and I don’t blame myself or anything iv always been pretty strong minded and I’m still in shock.
    I reported it to the police and I will be a witness and testify the against
    The man who did it. I don’t know who he is but the police are searching.
    My boyfriend is the most caring man and he is lovely to me. But he can’t cope he’s getting angry at me and he is angry in general. He got drunk & told someone about it and that person is very nice but a massive talker. I know the news will be around the town now. We talk a lot and we have talked a lot about it. It sounds stupid but I can deal with the rape but my boyfriend not coping about it is really sh*t and getting me down. He has agreed to go to a councillor for help and so we are sorting that out. Hopefully things will get better we are in a very loving relationship. I have not told my family I don’t want to hurt them. It just sucks a bit that my boyfriend is the one who is angry and upset & lashing out I feel it’s understandable but part of me thinks he is selfish as well. It’s a mixed bag and I do really feel for him. I was the one who was raped and suddenly it’s all abou my boyfriends needs. I’m hugging him while he cries etc. I am aware tho that he has feelings & will obv feel rubbish as well. Anyways any replies would be nice. My boyfriend is a really good man also. Thanks

    1. Dear Sarah,

      Thank you for sharing your story here – and I’m sorry that you had to experience a rape. It’s terrible, and there are no words. It sounds like you’re coping with it pretty good; you’re strong and powerful! You’re also recovering from the shock and terror, and it can take time for things to sink in. I wish the memories and experience could be quickly and easily healed, but it’ll take time and energy to work through the aftermath. And, that the rapist got away is terrible…I hope the police have found him by now.

      Your boyfriend does sound like a good man. Very sensitive and kind, and compassionate. I’m glad he’s going to a counselor — and I agree with you, it’s odd to be comforting your boyfriend when you were the one who was raped! He may not be able to be your main source of support and healing. Not now, and maybe not in the future. That’s too bad…but he can only give you what he’s capable of. I know you understand and care for him, and that your heart is so big and loving!

      You’re caring for your family’s needs and feelings by not telling them you were raped. You’re caring for your boyfriend’s needs by letting him cry on your shoulder and helping him see a counselor.

      Who is caring for your needs, Sarah? Who is helping you work through the pain and grief of being raped? When I was assaulted – the guy broke into my apartment in the middle of the night and tried to rape me – I visited a counselor once. She did me a terrible disservice, by asking me how I was feeling about the experience.

      “Great!” I said. “I got away, I fought back, and he didn’t rape me. I feel strong and good about myself!” So she said I was dealing with it just fine, and said I didn’t need to go back for more counseling.

      Ten years later with a different counselor, I learned that I was still in shock, and I wasn’t dealing with my true feelings about the attempted rape. The counselor should have forced me to go deeper into the pain and trauma of the experience — because that’s the only way to heal. That, and being honest with people about what happened.

      You said you’re still in shock, and I agree. You are a smart, brave, and strong woman, Sarah! But there’s a time to be strong…and there’s a time to be vulnerable, weak, hurt, and dependent. If you’re always being the strong one, you’re never dealing with the deep pain and grief that terrible experiences bring. You can’t heal unless you go through the dark painful experience of grief.

      I encourage you to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and to lean on your family and friends — without trying to protect them from their feelings. This is the time for them to gather round you, love you, support you, and walk with you through the grieving and healing process. You might not be able to expect this from your boyfriend, but you must find this support from other people who love you. A counselor who is experienced with rape counseling would be ideal.

      How are you today, what do you think, how do you feel?

      With warmth and a virtual hug,

      1. Hi

        How are you? I’m okay I know I am still in shock though! Thanks for the message back it was really good to read!
        That’s really interesting to hear what happened with you and the first counsellor- it is still awful what happened to you and I am glad you got the help in the end! It all sounds so scary so I am glad you are okay! You are right about it and it is nice and refreshing to hear from you as someone who has been through it!
        To be honest with you I am from a very posh snoby family and my mother even though I do love her to bits she is a narcissist. I know that if I tell her she will make it about herself and I will have to deal with her.- it’s more than I can deal with. I am protecting myself by not telling her or my father if you knew what my mother was like you would agree lol! You are right though I will tell my brother today he will give me the support and maybe a few good friends. Thanks so much for the advice. I do need really the support and my boyfriends not giving it to me emotionally. I don’t know what will happen to us but he is an emotional wreck and a big baby! Right now I live in Berlin but I have decided to move back to the north of Scotland and I have just got work there. I have a lot of support from friends there. I move back in the next week. The peace and rolling hills will be good for recovery and I will look up a therapist when I am there. I have not broken up with my boyfriend but I don’t know what will happen he is in Berlin. I think space right now might be better for my recovery.
        Thank you so much for all your advice I don’t think you have realised how much you have helped me already and I am aware it will take a long time to heal. I hope you are well and happy now!
        I read up about ptsd and I think I have some of the traits of it from the rape. I am getting on with everyday life going to work etc but I do feel empty lol. I have to ignore some people here because my boyfriend accidentally told them when he was drunk and I am frankly embarrassed to face anyone right now! 😂
        Sorry this is a bit of a ramble I hope it’s all okay to say. I feel a lot more clearer today in my head. I hope you have a fantastic day and thanks so much for all your support who knew the Internet could help me :) take care.

      2. Ps
        The police have not found him yet he was a taxi driver but they r actively looking for him and it’s the 2nd time it’s happened. He raped another gal before me. The other gal did not want I prosecute. It’s choice but I want him in jail and have helped out as much as I can right now.

  18. I am so nervous talking about this but what if your boyfriend was the one who raped you and he cant cope with it. It happened months ago and it happened 3 times and were still together but he says sorry for it but when we argue or I bring up how I feel , he kinda blames me but later he says he didn’t mean it.

    1. Dear G,

      I’m so glad you’re talking about the fact that your boyfriend raping you — it takes alot of courage to speak out when you’re scared! But, the more you talk about it, the easier it’ll get to say the words, “my boyfriend raped me.” It’s really important to keep talking about it, because talking brings it out of the darkness and into the light, and helps you heal from the pain.

      And, I’m very sorry that your boyfriend did this to you. Rape is a violent, destructive, terrible action against a woman, and it’s not an easy thing to recover from. It takes time to learn how to forgive your boyfriend….and to decide if you’re comfortable continuing in a relationship with him.

      Please talk to someone in person about your boyfriend raping you. Call a women’s support line, or a rape hotline. It’s really important to verbalize what happened, to talk about how you feel and what you want to see happen in your relationship.

      If you’re not ready for that, I totally understand! Talk to me, then. You can share whatever’s on your mind, or I can ask questions that might help you open up. Even if you never write your answers here or anywhere online, write them in your journal. Get all these thoughts and emotions out of you, out into the open so you can start healing.

      How is your boyfriend’s rape affecting your relationship?
      What makes you think he can’t cope with it?
      If your boyfriend never changes or gets help, what are your options?
      Who can you talk to in person about your boyfriend raping you? Who would allow you to share your thoughts, without judging you or him?

      Take heart, for you are not alone! You’re only alone if you isolate yourself and hide what happened. But if you open up and reach out, you will find oceans of support, buckets of healing, and sprinkles of love that will turn into showers of joy!


  19. Dear Kevin,

    It sounds like you care very much about your girlfriend, and she cares for you and trusts you enough to talk about her experience with sexual assault. As traumatic and painful as it is, it’s awesome that she is talking to you about it! You are a caring and kind boyfriend, and I’m glad you and she are communicating.

    I wish I could help, but it’s beyond my ability to give you advice about coping with your girlfriend’s assault. I encourage you to talk to a counselor – call a women’s rape support line, or a distress line. This is something that needs to be discussed in person, so you get personal guidance and support. I can’t give you the information you need.

    Also, encourage your girlfriend to talk to a counselor. It sounds like she’s still struggling with the effects of the assault. Even if she talked to a counselor in the past, I think she’d benefit from seeing someone new.

    Rape and different types of sexual assault are painful and traumatic experiences….but women can work their way through them in healthy, productive ways. Take heart, and get help from experienced people. Know that you and your girlfriend can get through this – and your relationship may even become stronger and healthier if you work on this together.

    Take care of yourself – and your girlfriend! And, call a rape relief or distress line. Find out what resources exist in your area, and how you can help your girlfriend.


  20. Hey Laurie,

    First time ever reaching out to a forum like this. But I am curious what your outlook is on my situation. I have a girlfriend who I have been dating seriously for 7 months or so but we have known each other for 3 or 4 years and have always been really close. We are still only 23/24 but we both know it’s serious and it has been exciting. Just recently I moved across the country for work and we have been doing pretty well with a LTR for about a month now. She has visited a few times and we have a really great time hanging out, we bang like rabbits and it is great. We both want to move in together and we had a tentative plan to do so in a few months from now. But just the other night she got a little tipsy and I knew she wasn’t telling me something. I thought she was going to tell me she cheated or something on me and she discloses that she had been sexually assaulted while she was doing volunteer work in South America through her school program about two years ago. It was really hard for me to swallow and I know it was hard for her to tell me this. I did not care to ask about details but she kept on saying it was “her fault” and she shouldn’t of walked home alone after sunset.” I am burning to know the details but I do not know if this would help me feel any better.

    It was really painful for me to here and she kept on saying “you are never going to look at me the same” and “ive never been more embarrassed” and I kept on reassuring her that is ok and she should not blame herself but I cannot seem to convince her otherwise. She asked I do not bring it up again but I cannot help but feel like she is still actively thinking about it and it is difficult for me not to know what to do.

    She said she got tested for STDs after the incident but has not disclosed what has happened to her doctor, any family members and only one other friend of hers. I cannot help but feel like she is suppressing her feelings and I do not want this to negatively impact our lives going forward.

    What should I do? I do not want to bring it up again until I see her in person but I think that she might open up to me but I am not confident how to handle that if she does. I think that it might be worth talking to someone about it whether it be me or a professional. She has done a really good job at hiding that this has happened to her but I know this is just because she is tough person. I just hope she knows how weird this is making me feel right now. I only found out recently that is why I am reaching out.

    I plan on staying with her no matter what and this will not stop me from loving her but do you think this has an effect on how she feels towards me in the bedroom? Because we are very active and this whole time I never got the impression she was fearful of anything or like she was a victim of trauma.

    In the short time I have known its difficult to be excited for her to go out with her friends and get a little bit tipsy. I know where she was at was a different country and everything but I am just trying to be supportive without looking like an over-protective boyfriend. I get nervous if I think she is alone and am always nervous if she has a drink. I don’t know what to do!!

    Is it possible she might be Ok and not talking about it is the best option?


  21. Dear Tessa,

    It takes a lot of courage to share your experience of being raped. Writing about it is difficult! I remember writing about the guy who broke into my apartment and try to rate me, and my hand was shaking so much I could barely write.

    Thank you for sharing your story here. Look how strong you are! You graduated from school – but the fact that you were arrested for shoplifting shows that you haven’t worked through your feelings about the rape. I agree with what you said. If that guy hadn’t have raped you, you very likely would not have ended up being promiscuous or gotten into trouble with the law.

    Bad things happen to us. There is no getting around that. Every single one of us has to deal with something. Some of us have to deal with many somethings all throughout our life. Some of us and crumple when we experience traumas such as rape, abuse of parents, or bad marriages.

    But some of us get back up when were knocked down. And Tessa I can see that you’re one of those women who will get back up. I can tell by everything you’ve written that you are a survivor.

    What do you need to do now? You need to start dealing with your experience of being raped. I encourage you to get counseling. Honestly, that is the only way to start healing and growing, grieving and overcoming the terrible thing that happened to you. When you speak the words out loud – “I was raped” – and when you talk about it with someone who is nonjudgmental and wise, you will find that a great weight is lifted from your heart and soul.

    I’m glad your boyfriend is supportive of you. He sounds like a great guy. The best way to ease his mind is for you to get emotionally and spiritually healthy, grieve the fact that you are right, and learn how to build a healthy relationship with him.

    What do you think? Is there anything you can do to help yourself heal?

    1. Thank you so much for responding. Reading that made me cry and you are definitely right. I have looked into counseling but I am kind of nervous to go and I haven’t followed up yet. I do have one other issue that is kind of a big one. While that experience was not good in anyway I kind of have a “rape fetish”. I’m not sure if this is normal or not. I would not wish rape onto anyone and I definitely don’t want to do through it again but that kind of porn often turns me on. Should I seek help for that? And do you think its something other people feel? I’m not sure what to think of it but I have a feeling its not good.

      1. I hope you follow up on the counseling idea! I don’t think there is any “normal” response to being raped. Every woman responds in different ways, and takes different amounts of time to heal and move on. And that’s why I encourage you to see a counselor! So you can work with her on your specific responses, and so you can find the best ways for you to heal.

        If you haven’t read any books on surviving sexual assault, that might be a great place to start. Learn other women cope with being raped, how they work through it, how they process the grief and pain. This will help you heal.

        May you be filled with peace and healing, joy and light as you move forward! I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Healing is so beautiful and good – it’s painful, too. It takes so much energy to work through the consequences of rape! But if you keep going through it, you will come out on the other side….and you will be happier and healthier than you ever thought possible.

        Take good care of yourself, for you are worth taking good care of.

  22. I came across this website looking for ways to cope and I figured I’d share here. It’s much easier for me to write about this than talk about it out loud. About two years ago I went to prom with a guy a few years older than me. We had been talking for about a month and right before I graduated I went to his house. I went there very drunk and I remember initiating having sex with him the first time. I then passed out on the couch for maybe an hour before waking up. I hardly remember the rest, its mostly in fragments but he took me back into his room and pulled my pants off. He went over to close the door and dig through my purse for one of the condoms I had in there. While he did that I curled up onto the bed because I felt so bad from all the alcohol and I just wanted to sleep. He came back over and pulled my legs down off the bed and had sex with me again. I never really told anyone about this because I never thought of it as rape because I didn’t say no or fight back plus it was my fault for going there drunk in the first place.

    After this happened, I graduated a day later and then 3 days after that I was arrested for shoplifting. I was so upset about him not talking to me anymore and everything that happened that I didn’t care about anything anymore. Throughout the coming years I ended up being very promiscuous and had very many casual sex partners. Even now, I think that if he didn’t do that to me, I would have never gotten arrested or had so much casual sex.

    I’m 20 and currently have a boyfriend of 9 months and a few weeks ago I ended up telling him about this experience. He was shocked to say the least and very upset. Not at me, but just at the fact that this happened to me and continues to tell me that I was raped. I never wanted to be a rape victim and I’m still not even comfortable labeling myself as such. He has been supportive of me but I know he is still hurting too. I’m not quite sure how to ease his mind on this and I am afraid he won’t be able to handle it and is going to end up leaving me. I don’t really have anyone else to turn to about this topic, its pretty much just my boyfriend. I guess I feel like I just needed to get this out somewhere. So thank you to anyone who reads this and chooses to respond. Anything would help me right now.

  23. Hello again O,

    Here are my thoughts for you. I hope you read the article, because you will see how you are being “tricked” into believing that you aren’t good enough to help other people cope with abuse!

    Not only are you GOOD ENOUGH, you are the perfect person to help others. Your compassion, love, tender spirit, and calling is all you need. God has equipped you with the right tools, and He will guide you as you move forward, grow, and help others heal.

    ok, ok, here’s the article:

    How to Stop Feeling Guilty and Ashamed About What You Did

    Don’t let your past stop you from Blossoming into the woman God created you to be.


  24. Dear O,

    Thank you for sharing your story here. Did you know that it is harder to forgive ourselves that it is to forgive others?

    Funnily, my husband and I were talking about that just last night! We were agreeing that when we perpetrate hurt and abuse on others, we are responsible for their pain. But when somebody has hurt us – such as a man raping us or a boyfriend not being able to cope with the rape – it’s easier to forgive them. Maybe because we can heal and grow and even find the good in the pain. Whereas when we hurt other people, we don’t necessarily know how their healing process is unfolding. We only see the pain we caused, not the beauty that God grows from the pain.

    Forgiveness is complicated, and it is a lifelong process. I’m proud of you for wanting to help people who have gone through abuse, difficult childhoods, and brokenness. And I totally understand your obstacles! We are our own worst enemies. We really are. You are normal, and your feelings of guilt and shame are a normal response to the past abuse you experienced, as well as the abuse you perpetrated on others.

    To answer your questions… Yes, you are good enough to help others who have gone through abuse. In fact, because you have harmed other people, you are actually in a better position to help people who have experienced abuse. You have the perspective of both the abuser and the abused – and that is extremely valuable! That will make you a more compassionate, kind, and caring helper then all the textbook knowledge in the world.

    I feel like I need to stop responding to your comment in this little wee comment section! I want to write an article for people in your exact situation. Your struggle is the same as other people are facing – and they are letting it stop them from helping others.

    If you believe in God, then you probably believe in Satan or the deceiver. Is it possible that the deceiver is planting lies in your head – lies that you are not good enough, that you can’t help people because you hurt people in the past, and that you are not good enough? That’s what the deceiver does.

    Thank you for being here. I want to say more to you, but I want to choose my words carefully and write them in a way that will help you and other readers. I will write an article that addresses your questions, and post the link here.

    Stay tuned. And thank you so much for being here! I will come back soon with more thoughts on helping others…


  25. Hi Laurie,

    I am on your newsfeed and I came across this article. My heart goes out to anyone that have experienced any form of abuse. I was abused when I was younger. I Never really told anyone, expect two people. I always felt like something happened to me when I was younger, but I can’t remember anything before age 7. I have never told my mom that when I was younger that different males have placed their hands on me, called me out of my name, bullied me, and have said explicit statements and comments to me. I was afraid. I was completely ignorant to the fact it was a form of sexual harassment and abuse. She only knows about my father hitting and punishing my siblings and I. Today, I am apprehensive about relationships and suspicious of men as a majority, even though, not all guys are like, I feel to be on defense mode, especially those that say they “Love me” and want to know me better. I feel like it’s “trap words” to be taken advantage of and manipulated. My childhood was difficult and I wonder if I have experienced extra pain in life because of it. Like I’ve mentioned previously, I experienced abused, but I have also abused others. I have been carrying shame and guilt. I know God has forgiven me, but my younger days replay back over and over again. I want to help people that have gone through abuse, difficult childhoods, and brokenness. But my set back is what I did. It sounds confusing to be be victimized then hurt others. I didn’t know I was doing. I have noticed a pattern with the type of people I have attracted in my life–I will emphasize more on the abused and brokened. Am I good enough to help anyone who gone through this? How can my story help others when I was a victim and hurt others interchangeably? How would God use me, when others have gone through abuse to a deeper extent? I should shut up and sit down, right? I hate to compare stories and testimonies but I feel I can’t really others like I desire to. Do I have be on the front lines? Should I support a group or organization to show I’m passionate in helping people? Is praying, listening, and helping others here and there enough in this broken World??

  26. Dear Courtney,

    I’m sorry you experienced sexual abuse. No child should ever have to know about abuse like that, much less go through it.

    I wrote this article for you, to help you tell your mom that you were raped:

    How to Tell Someone You Were Sexually Abused as a Child

    I hope it helps…feel free to come back anytime and let me know how you are, and how it went with your mom.


  27. Hi Laurie,

    My problem isn’t my boyfriend, it’s my mom. I was raped by my older brother when I was 10 years old. He also molested my little brother but I didn’t know that until recently. I haven’t told anybody about the childhood sexual abuse, not even my mom and dad, because I didn’t know how to say it. Now that my little brother told me what my older brother did to him, I want to tell my mom we were molested but I don’t know how.

    Thank you,

  28. I hope it is not inappropriate that I post here, but I write with the motivation to help both the survivors of rape, and the partners such as myself.

    My partner was raped last week. We had spent a couple of weeks apart from our 7-month long world travels, and I was home in Australia visiting family while she traveled on to Mexico, our next destination. She was alone in a cabana on the beach after a night out with friends and woke to an intruder raping her. Upon waking she screamed and pushed him away and he ran off. It was completely dark and disorientating and she could not identify her attacker. He had broken into her room, and also robbed her.

    I learnt of the attack immediately after it happened, and of course I broke down in tears. It was one of the worst moments of my life. I was so far away and I could hear how devastated she was. All I wanted to do in that instant was be by her side, but I was 16,000 kilometres away. I felt the whole gamut of emotions; guilt for not being there to protect her, and stupidly frustration at her for not being more careful with her safety. I know this was the wrong response and that it was just my way of trying to comprehend the incomprehensible. To apply logic to an illogical situation, and a way to direct the utter helplessness I was feeling. Fortunately I am a survivor myself, having overcome sexual assault as a child. I repressed these idiot feelings and the very first things I told her were: I love you, it was not your fault, this does not change how I feel about you at all, we will get through this together. Then I suggested the next steps to take to protect herself and seek the right care from the local authorities, which thankfully she has received. I got there within 30 hours and we went to all the appointments together and I have not left her side since.

    A week later we talk openly about the attack if and when she needs to… But I don’t press. Despite my best intentions I am prone to obsessing about what happened, and am beset with feelings of helplessness, anger and sadness/depression and usually have a quiet cry each day. I talk about this with her, and show her and she has said it helps her to know how affected I am by what has happened as well. She said that just being here, and giving her nothing but my love, affection and unconditional support has helped her beyond measure. So far she is bearing up incredibly well, unbelievably well… but she has nightmares and disturbed sleep as one would of course expect. Whenever I am affected by my emotions I get online and read up on how to prepare for whatever she may have come up in the future (PTSD, etc) and that lets me feel like I am actively doing something to help her. That is how I found this page.

    I recommend if your partner is struggling to understand what you are going through, he should read “A Man’s Guide to helping a Woman who has been Raped” by Matthew Atkinson. It was the very first thing I read the night it happened and it helped me give my beautiful partner the love and care she needed. I would also like to add that I am a 43 year old male, and I would hope emotionally mature, yet I was completely overwhelmed with the emotions brought on by this attack. It is one of the worst times of my life and I struggle internally each day with the stupid “what if’s” and “If only’s”. If your partner is blaming you (It’s not your fault!!) or withdrawing/running it says absolutely nothing about you and does not diminish you in any way. It is 100% his inability to process something the emotions he is feeling.

    I hope you find the love and support you need from your partner. And if your current partner cannot be what you require of him, please do not assume that all men are unable to support and cherish you. Absolutely talk to someone who understands, and absolutely talk to other survivors.

    Much love,


  29. Dear Leah,

    What were the results of your pregnancy test? Have you told your parents that your ex friend raped you…and is your boyfriend still being supportive?

  30. So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost three years now, and there’s this guy who was like my second best friend(after my boyfriend) who I went to school with last year. We were really close, and like hugged every time we saw each other to greet each other and say bye every time we saw each other. I always thought he was one of the nicest people i met, and whenever we hung out he’d always tell me that my boyfriend should come chill too. Then two totally got along awesomely, but I wouldn’t say they were quite friends they just really bonded over the fun times we three had. My boyfriend would still refer to him as my friend though not ours, and he would still call him my boyfriend not his name or anything so they got along well but pretty formally.

    I visited him without my boyfriend. We smoked, and the last thing I remember, he was putting eye drops in my eyes cause they were red but I just vaguely remember I was having a lot of trouble holding my head up and keeping my eyes open then himd saying, “I should probably give you those eye drops now.” Even though we still had hours left to chill.

    Then I woke up on the couch, right where I’d been sitting after I moved away from him cause my phone was ringing. It was my mom saying she was on her way to get me. He looked asleep on the other side of the couch, but I could tell he wasn’t actually asleep and I just had this really wierd vibe. Plus I was really disoriented, slurring all my words, I felt kinda drunk and really hung over even though I don’t remember drinking any alcohol, dizzy, sore in certain places, wierd taste in my mouth and confused as to wtf that wierd sleeping spell was.

    I “woke up” my friend even though I knew he was faking sleeping, and he seemed really surprised that I was awake. He also started to catch me when I stood up before I even started falling over. He was giving me wierd vibes and wouldn’t look me in the eye.

    My mom got me, the goodbye hug was brief and awkward, and I went home and slept for a couple more hours. At one point I noticed my yoga shorts were on wrong and there was jizz in them, but I was so out of it I didn’t even process it.

    Two weeks later I realized what happened, I think my friend raped me. My boyfriend told me I brought it on myself for trying to get my friend’s attention. he said my friend was obviously rapey and obviously liked me, and he just didn’t say anything sooner cause he didn’t wanna be perceived as jealous. Then basically was like can I get back to studying now?

    Then I told my next best two friends that I was raped. One didn’t care, the other said I deserve it. I don’t talk to them anymore.

    I’d been keeping it to myself since even though it’s like excruciating to go through alone, no one’s here. But last night I realized im probably pregnant.

    I called up my boyfriend again and he seemed really uncomfortable to talk about it, I could tell though that he’s only reacting how he is cause he has no clue how to cope with it. He feels extremely bad for how he initially reacted cause he panicked, and now is insisting that he’s here for me and obviously cares a lot but I just don’t think he’s mature enough to actually do any help other that hugs and cuddles, he’s just too sensitive to that kind of thing and it makes him feel sick to talk about the idea that I was raped.

    I’m only a teenager and I shouldn’t be pregnant yet. My boyfriend is gonna take me to get a pregnancy test tomorrow. If it’s positive I’ll tell my parents what happened but if not I don’t wanna get involved with all the legal stuff of accusing my ex friend of raping me. Courts stressful, I’m not even mad at the ex friend I just feel bad for him and don’t talk to him anymore (he doesn’t know I know), my dad openly hates me and my mom warned me she got a wierd vibe from him long ago so o can only imagine how they’d react. I just really hope I’m not pregnant

  31. Dear Grace,

    Yes, you were raped. It sounds like it was a terrible experience, and I’m sorry you had to go through that! You didn’t do anything to deserve it, and you are far more precious than you know. Nobody should treat you like that.

    Please talk to someone in person about your experience with rape. The more you talk about it, the more healing you’ll experience. It may feel scary and embarrassing to say it out loud, to describe what happened, but you really need to share it with supportive women.

    Can you call a distress line, help phone, or local resource center for women?

    Here’s some information about a safe house for women:

    Please call, and get help in person. Don’t suffer through this alone, ok? You were raped, and it’s important that you talk about it.

    May you find healing and peace. May your body recover quickly, and your emotions and spirit revive. May you find supportive people to help you.

    Come back anytime, let me know how you are. Sign up for my email newsletter so you hear from me regularly!!


  32. I think i was raped. I’m not 100% sure though… he was my boyfriend at the time. He was (and still is) severely depressed and has anxiety and lots more going on with him. He used that to make me feel bad for him and to please him all the time because if he is ever sad at any moment he would say he would want to kill himself and if I ever stopped dating him then he would kill himself. I was never really a fan of sex and he knew that but he got horney a lot and that made him depressed cause he didn’t feel like I loved him cause I wouldn’t have sex with him often. One day he almost started crying amd started talking abouy how depreased he was when I said no so I was like fine okay we can have sex. So we started doing it and after like 2 minutes I couldn’t do it anymore and so I tried pusing him off me. I don’t remember if I said no or not but I kept trying to get him off of me and then he finally came off of me and so I rolled over and I feel like I said something kind of like a no but I don’t Rembert and I tried crawling away to get a way from him but he ended up trying to stick it back into me but he missed and ripped my other hole so I started bleeding and crying then I ran to the bathroom and cried in there for a but and then came back out and left. Is that rape? It has emotionally scarred me. I started dating this other guy after the first guy and we tried having sex and after it I had an anxiety attack and it was so scary. And then I had sex again after that to see if I wasn’t affected anymore and when it was happening I started crying so much and having so much anxiety…. was I raped?

  33. Dear Bethany,

    I’m so sorry this happened to you, and that you have to deal with the aftermath of being raped by yourself. I wish your boyfriend was more supportive, and I can’t imagine the pain you’re in.

    Please call a sexual assault phone line, or a rape survivors help phone. You are a SURVIVOR, and you will heal from the trauma of the rape! And, you will learn how to cope with your boyfriend’s reaction to the rape.

    You boyfriend is making the rape about him. He doesn’t understand how horrible this experience is, and he is being selfish and thoughtless. He is blaming you – and the rape was not your fault. It a violent act that happened to you, and you were powerless to stop it.

    But you aren’t powerless anymore. You CAN heal, you WILL move forward and get better! You can become a survivor who dealt with not only a terrible rapist, but also a boyfriend who didn’t understand and couldn’t cope.

    Call a hotline. Talk to a rape advocate or go to women’s help support center in person. Don’t continue to struggle through this alone, because you’ll spiral downwards.

    Call, and come back and let me know how you’re doing.

    With prayers for courage, strength, faith, and hope for healing,

  34. About 5 months back I was raped. Taken from getting out of my car and raped. And thrown back. I never told anyone. I was to scared. I finally went to the Dr. For a full exam. I could tell my husband because he we can’t really talk about anything he gets mad at me. So i finally got the currage to tell him and now He wants to leave. Because be said I lied by not telling him and I’m disgusting and Its my fault and he just can’t handle it. I have three kids. I depend on him for everything I don’t work. How can he do this to me when I need him the most? Why does he blaime me. I just wanna die alot of times. He said this ruined his life and that he didn’t go his whole life to have to have this happend because it didn’t have to happen. I need help. I am so upset. I’m beyond not ok

  35. That’s terrible, Ruthann – what a terrifying experience. It’s especially difficult to heal and cope with the aftermath of rape or assault when you feel like you can’t share what you went through with your boyfriend.

    How are you coping? What is your relationship like with your boyfriend now?

  36. My ex boyfriend showed up at my house with a gun in his lap. Told me it was in my best interest to get in the car. I froze, I didn’t know what to do so I got in the car. He forced me to perform on him and blackmailed me for 6 months; every time he wanted something, he threatened to tell my boyfriend. So, for 6 months, this man tortured me. I finally got the nerve up to tell my boyfriend, but I left out the details… I only told him that I’d been being harassed. I couldn’t bare to tell him that I had been too weak to fight, I couldn’t bare the thought of losing him. I thought I could make it all go away if I finally told him. A few days later, my ex told him everything, conviently leaving out the parts that incriminated himself.

  37. Dear Jess,

    It takes alot of courage and strength to share your story! You are reaching out for help, and that’s awesome.

    You are right to listen to your intuition, which is telling you that your boyfriend is making you feel worse about being raped. He doesn’t understand what it’s like to be sexually assaulted, and he doesn’t know that not all women can scream. Being raped is an extremely traumatic, shocking, and violent experience — it’s not as easy as “you should have just screamed.”

    Your boyfriend can’t give you the support or understanding you need. He doesn’t understand how you feel, and he blames you for the rape. You can’t change how he feels or responds to this terrible thing you experienced, but you can find different ways to cope and heal.

    My advice is for you to find a woman friend to talk to in person. Share your experience with being raped, and talk about how your boyfriend is coping with the rape. Be honest and real — but talk about it as soon as you can!

    If you can’t talk to a woman in person, call the sexual assault survivors phone line. Ask about support groups, resources to help you, online or phone counseling for rape victims – anything that will help you cope.

    Do you need help finding a distress line or survivors’ help phone number? I can help search for the right numbers to call, if you need. Let me know!

    Surround yourself with love, light, and people who care. Open your heart to God, and ask Him for guidance and wisdom. Take a deep breath and know that you CAN heal and recover from the rape…and you have the power you need to make the right choices.

  38. I really need help me and my boyfriend had been fighting and I know I made a comment already but before the sexual assault happened I had been messaging my friend and he had been talking to me and I guess since my boyfriend had been ignoring me I felt vulnerable and emotional because we had been fighting so it felt nice to get attention but he started talking about sexual things and I was stupid and replied so o soars him for a ride the next day but I told him I wanted to talk I wanted to put an end to it by talking it out and he started asking me question about me being turned on and stuff and I started talking me about my boyfriend and he said we wouldn’t last and eventually I let my guard down because it got me upset with the way he was talking about my relationship when he put his are on my thigh and I said no it’s not fair I love my boyfriend… Whenever I brought him up he seemed to get upset and afterwards he started rubbing my back and I said no stop and he said relax okay I’m not going no to hurt you and he put his arm in my chest and I said no stop and when I tried to move his hand he grabbed my arm and said its okay and I covered my face because I didn’t want to see him… Anyways I don’t know how to tell my boyfriend the whole thing because it was basically my fault for texting him and replying to the stuff he would ask me… I don’t know I just feel like either way he’ll be mad at me and I don’t want to lose him for being vulnerable and upset that I waned attention… I feel like this is all my fault. Please I need to know

  39. I was recently assaulted by a close friend and because he was my close friend I didnt seee it as that but as the day went on I couldn’t stop thinking about it and get this pain in my stomach and feel sadness… I told my boyfriend and he said it was my fault and I deserved it. He said “karma’s a b**ch.” I want to be with him but I don’t know how if he’s making me feel worse. Everytime I talk to him he says its my fault because all I did was say no and stop I never screamed or anything li ke that… I’m starting to think it is my fault and I can’t help but feel pain down there whenever I think about it. I’m starting to believe that I am a wh**e like what my boyfriend said and I need advice. This has never happened to me.

  40. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s horrific and terrifying to experience a sexual assault…and when our boyfriends or husbands don’t understand, it’s even more difficult to heal.

    If your boyfriend doesn’t believe you were raped, he’ll never be able to understand or support you the way you need him to. I encourage you to talk to a rape survivor counselor, and learn ways to process your grief and emotions. It’s such as scary, violent thing for any woman to go through!

    But you will survive. You can be stronger, healthier, and more resilient after this. You will relate to other sexual assault victims in a deeper and more meaningful way, and you will be able to help other women survive.

    Talk to a counselor in person. Work through your feelings about the rape, and about your relationship with your boyfriend. Lean on your friends and family…and hold on to the people who believe and understand you.

  41. I was raped on July 10th 2016. I told my boyfriend about it and he blames me. He said i put myself in thay situation. He isnt speaking to me today. He thinks i just had a one night stand with someone and regretted it so i am calling it rape. I dont know what to do.. My ex is there for me more than my current boyfreind..

  42. I was recently raped by an ex-partner. My boyfriend found out and was upset that I had seen my ex and immediately broke up with me. I told him what had happened but he blamed me for the end of our relationship. This blame also made me feel very responsible for my sexual assault. That maybe my decision to see my ex (with no ill intentions) was the cause for all of this pain. My boyfriend has always had trust issues surrounding any men I spend time with, so I know deep down that this isn’t about me, it’s about him and his issues. But it still hurts. He doesn’t understand that this is the time I needed him most but he left. I’m still not sure how to cope, as it has barely been a week, but my boyfriend leaving hasn’t helped.

  43. When I was 15 I got dropped off to hang out with a boy I thought I really liked at the time. I got dropped off at his friends house where we were going to hang out for the day. I had absolutely no idea that there were going to be 3 other boys there hanging out as well. Long story short I ended up being FORCED, not willing to give oral sex to all the boys that were there. I immediately called my sister to pick me up, I never said one word to any one… until a girl in school found out from the boy I had liked, she went around and told everyone that the boys just wanted to pee in my mouth. I was angry so I ended up beating up this girl and taken to the principal. Once the principal found out he and a counselor immediately took me to my moms house to have me tell her what happened. I begged my mom to not press charges because ‘I liked this boy’… why? I don’t know… after I started to get over this I started dating my now husband for the first time at 16. For whatever reason I ended up telling him about it, after that the relationship didn’t last long. We still stayed in contact over the years. Just 3 years ago we got back together to figure out how much we loved each other and couldn’t spend another day apart. We’ve been married now for 2 years. Every so often he will bring this nasty memory up and be angry and disgusted with me corns few days. And now just the other day he brought it up again telling me how nasty and used up I am. And that I’m such a who’re, I’m the true definition of a stupid slut. And now he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.. telling me to leave and go kill myself and have sex with more guys. I sit here and cry and plead with him that we’ll get over this. I know it will never go away. But I stay in hopes that in a few days he will be calm and love me again …call me stupid but I love him and don’t want out marriage to end.

  44. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Jaye,

    Thank you for having the strength and courage to talk about your rape here! I lived on an island once, for 5 years. It’s much more difficult to cope with a rape when you’re in a small place or town, and when your boyfriend isn’t supportive.

    I’m sorry you had to experience that. It’s terrible, and it’s not fair. I agree that you need justice! It doesn’t feel like it’s over until the rapist faces the consequences.

    May you find someone on the island to talk to – someone who can help you cope with the rape, the idea of bringing the rapist to justice, and your boyfriend’s response. I hope you share your experience with someone in person, who can help you move forward. I hope you have someone to trust! I pray God brings healing and peace into your life – and people that can help you the way you need.

    Blessings and sympathies,

  45. i was raped in my senior year of highschool by a guy i thought was a friend. I was in a relationship at the time and my boyfriend was off island. The guy I thought was a friend and I were talking and we told me lived right by me so I could come over and just hang out and watch tv if I wanted too. I thought this was okay because I had no intentions of doing anything neither did I expect him to do anything wrong. I been over friends house before and played video games and watch tv but of course this was with other people. I did feel something in my gut telling me to not go, but I went anyway. It was just suppose to be a quick stop by and back home so I didn’t tell my boyfriend that I was going over there. The guy picked me up and I walked with my art pad to busy myself incase I got bored, plus he was asking me to draw a tattoo design for him and sounded really interested in my art. So. I got inside now and took a seat on one side of the couch and he took a seat on the other. We we’re watching tv and talking about college and the future plans and him in thr music industry and everything was fine and normal. But then I realize he started staring at me harder than I liked, I felt uncomfortable so I started drawing in my pad. Then he told me I was super pretty bad…I just brushed it off and say uh thankss. and tried to change the conversation because he knew that I had a boyfriend, plus he had a pregnant girlfriend. These comments continued and he came on the same couch as me and I tried to act calm by watching the tv, then he started telling me about my lips and tried to kiss me and I pulled away and told him to stop. he came back again and kisssed me on my lips..I eventually moved down to the end of the couch and told him to chill. He stopped for a while and came back to touch me and pulled on my shorts I told him to stoppp. and he took off my shorts, I kept tellingg him to stop and get up off me. He tried to play with me and I kept saying stop and i pushed him and thats when he got up and put his thing inside of me . after that i couldnt say anything anymore. I just froze, and laid there and took it. I couldn’t believe that he did that. After he finished . I was quiet, he asked me what happened and I didnt respond.So he started talking to m normally, and I tried to be normal to and smile it off, but inside it was killing me.I asked him to drop me home. when I got home I cursed him out and told him he raped mee, and he told me he didnt see anything wrong with what he did, he thought i was okay with it. That night I cried and told my boyfriend what happened he took it hard and wanted me to go to the police but I was scared what everyone would of thought of me so I didnt. We stayed together for another 10 months since then but he would always get anggry and me about it. he dumped me several times for it because he didnt believe me because i didnt take it to the police. well lastnight he told me he spoke to my “rapist” and the guy denied ever rapping me he told him a different story. So my boyfriend told me f*ck me and callled me a hoe and told me he hated me and blocked me on every social media for something I didn’t do.
    Now Im just completely angry that I have to go through this. Because I know that was raped. I said no no means no. I think I should go to the police, but I live on a small island and the guy who rape me is a popular icon in the island. So the media would actually rip me apart. but i feel i need justice

    1. A very similar situation happened to me.
      I met a guy at work and we had talked for a few times before, he seemed really nice and we got along ok. I had a fiancé at the time and this guy friend knew about him. I didn’t talk to this guy friend very much we texted every once in awhile and occasionally at work. One time he texted me that I was really pretty I just said thanks and my fiancé thinks so too but you probably shouldn’t talk to me if you think I’d want to be with you.
      After a few months this guy friend didn’t talk to me, he quit his job at the place we worked at and I thought our friendship would fizzle out and I was ok with that. 3 months later, he texted me again, asked how I was doing and asked about my art. Naturally I talked mostly about my fiancé and he didn’t seem very upset about that. We were “friends” again but I didn’t really talk to him much still. A few months went by without much talking and he asked if I wanted to hangout out of the blue one day. I basically said no, that my boyfriend would probably my like it. He kinda got mad, I just told him that my fiancé is just very protective of me. He stopped talking to me again, I didn’t really care because all I needed was my fiancé. A week later this guy friend asked me again to hangout. I said ok, talked it over with my fiancé, he was very upset so I asked my fiancé to drop me off there so he could meet this guy friend. He dropped me off and they met and we all briefly talked. This guy friend was not very clothed and I know that made my fiancé uncomfortable but I told him I would call when I want to be picked up. So this guy friend and I hung out, mostly talked outside while he smoked. Talked about music, concerts, etc..
      He had a cat and I really wanted to meet her because I like cats but we had to wait for awhile until he could get his cat from the friend that was watching her. And I told my fiancé it would be a bit later until I wanted to be picked up because I wanted to meet his cat.
      After I got to see his cat I wanted to be picked up. Everything was fine we had an ok time hanging out, and this guy friend was nice and respectful.
      My fiancé was quite upset about it when he picked me up because I smelt like smoke. We got into a fight but seemed to resolve it. About a week later this guy friend asked me to hangout again. I denyed him at first because I just didn’t really care to and I knew my fiancé was upset about it. But I did trust him and we were only friends and he knew that. I asked my fiancé to drop me off again and he was upset. I did want to hangout with this guy friend (I didn’t really have any friends and we got along well).
      My fiancé was upset again and I told him I would call him when I wanted to leave. This guy friend asked me to bring my art with me because he was really interested in seeing it so I did.
      After I got there we looked at all my art, talked about random things again outside while he smoked.
      Later I needed some water so I went to fill a glass up by the sink.
      My guy friend came up behind me and shoved my body over the counter. He then turned me around and pushed my body back against the counter which was extremely painful for my back. He then forced his hands down my pants and penetrated me with his fingers. It hurt so bad and I tried so hard to fight him off. He then brought me to the ground and sat only my chest making it hard for me to move and breathe. He then put his crouch on my face and grinded on my face. I fought so hard to get him off me but I couldn’t. After I tried to run to my phone to tell my fiancé but then this guy threatened my fiancé and the look in his eyes terrified me. I loved my fiancé and I wanted to protect him. When my fiancé picked me up I didn’t tell him what happened we got into a fight and continued to fight. Meanwhile this guy called and texted me constantly telling me he loved me and if I told anyone that he would hurt everyone I loved. He was stalking me showing up at my house and work, constantly calling and texting me. I didn’t tell my fiancé he was stalking me because he was threatening to hurt my fiancé and I love him so much. One night I went over to where this guy lives and confront him and tell him to F off for good. My fiancé called me completely torn apart which was NOT good, this guy heard me talking on the phone with him and threatened to rape me. I was so afraid and my fiancé wanted to meet up with me. This guy told me we could meet at a restraunt close by. I was so scared he was going to hurt my fiancé but I had to. I begged y fiancé not to do this this now but I didn’t have a choice. This guy forced me into his friends car and we drove to the restraunt. The guy told me in the car, you stay with me or you will lose him for good. I had to walk over to the love of my life while he was completely broken and tell him that I had no feelings for him anymore. I thought he could take the hint that something was wrong by the way I said it but he pushed me to the ground and knocked the wind out of me. The guy came running over across the parking lot and was going to hurt my fiancé. I pushed him away and my fiancé drove off. The guy forced me back into the car and dropped me off at my home. My fiancé and I were struggling so hard because he thought I didn’t love him anymore. I broke his heart to protect him. We struggled for about a year to keep our relationship together. We both love each other so much. He had enough and broke up with me for good.
      I’m very close with his mom so I told her first about the rape and then I talked to my ex about it.
      He got so upset that I didn’t tell him and doesn’t trust me because I lied to him and kept it a secret. I also told him that I was being stalked. I’ve talked to people about the stalking and rape but I just wish my ex could understand how ashamed and embarrassed I was about the rape. I just don’t think he knows how to cope with it and has a lot of anger about it. I know we can work things out and build trust again. I just love him so much and wanted to protect him from that guy. I just wish he would understand.

  46. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Abi,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your experience of being raped. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and that your boyfriend can’t cope. I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I remember feeling so alone and scared when I was dealing with the aftermath of my attempted rape.

    Please talk to someone about this – call a rape crisis center, and share what you’re going though. Don’t hold it in, because it’ll get more painful if you keep this to yourself. Please tell people about your experience, and ask for help! The worst thing to do after you were raped is to hide and keep it a secret, especially if your loved ones or boyfriend can’t cope with the rape.

    Call a distress line, or a rape crisis line right now, and share what you’re going through. Simply telling your story and sharing your emotions with someone who cares can make all the difference in the world. And, you’ll get advice on how to cope with the resulting feelings.

    I’ll keep you in my prayers. May you find peace, comfort, and help by reaching out to women in person who know what it’s like to be raped, who can help you cope. I pray for God’s arms to wrap around you, and give you strength and joy.


  47. I’m so sorry to everyone dealing with this, I can barely deal myself.

    Less than a month ago was my senior prom, everything has to be perfect. My boyfriend looked so handsome and was gauking at me. I couldn’t imagine a better date for the occasion.
    It was getting close to time to go, and my friend asked me if I wanted to go out and of course I said yes to her I didn’t want to stay in on prom. So my boyfriend asked his parents if he could stay at a friends house so he could go out with me, they said no. I didn’t want to go to the party without him and he was extremely reluctant to let me go, but in the end he told me to so I could have some fun.
    I dropped him off at his house, kissed him goodbye and left to have a good time with my best friend.
    The night was young still and I was starting to get tipsy when i noticed this guy flirting with me. Maybe I was flirting back I don’t know, I still blame myself.
    He let me take shots with his bottle and I took a little to many, I eventually blacked out, the last thing I remember is telling my best friend I was tired and then waking up a little later in a place I had never seen before next to the boy that was flirting with me previously in the night.
    I wasn’t sure what had happened I just had a sinking feeling.
    About a half an hour later people were leaving and this girl approached me and started showing me pictures of me naked and unconscious. And a few of someone on top of me.

    In no way shape or form is this okay, this is rape. Just because I’m drunk doesn’t make it okay.
    I’ve been blaming myself since it happened. I can’t help but feel dirty. I take showers twice a day and cry and just scrub my body. I feel disgusting. What did I do to deserve this?
    Obviously i had to tell my boyfriend and he of course was not okay. He told me he was going to be here for me, and here we are exactly two weeks from it happening and Im sitting alone in my bedroom typing this crying. My boyfriend broke up with me because he can’t handle it.. He can’t? What about me? I’m the victim here I can’t just check out of life. I can’t walk away. I’m so hurt by this. I feel broken inside.
    He is telling me that we can still talk and that he will be here for me but it’s not the same it’s not okay. How do I deal with something like this?

    I need help, serious help.

  48. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Janel,

    I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced. It is a horrible thing, and it’s even worse when our loved ones don’t understand what you’re going through.

    Have you thought about taking a break from this relationship with your boyfriend? It’s possible that you need time and space to heal and process the rape, without your boyfriend pressuring you. You don’t necessarily need to break up with him, but it may help you to take a week or more away from him.

    Your boyfriend may not understand this, but you need to do what you think is best for you. You need to focus on grieving and healing, and not be distracted and burdened by how your boyfriend is coping with the rape.

    My prayers are with you as you move forward. I’m sorry this happened to you, and I pray that you find people and resources to help you deal with the aftermath.


  49. I was raped a little more than a week ago and told my boyfriend about it 4 days later. At first he blamed me. He still kind of does. He keeps telling me that he didn’t sign up for this. He keeps telling me that I’m not focused enough on how he is feeling and that I’m being selfish and making this all about me when it’s about him too. He doesn’t understand that I need my space and can’t be there for him all the time the way he wants me to…