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When Getting Married Is All You Can Think About

It’s normal to wish you were married because our society cherishes and celebrates couples. What do you do when you hear about a 50th or 75th wedding anniversary? Cheer! How do you respond to an engagement or wedding announcement? Celebrate! Of course you want to be married; we put marriage – and especially weddings – at the top of list of things to be cherished and sought after (even though many marriages end in divorce).

Obsessing about marriage is normal – whether you have a boyfriend, just broke up, or have never even been in a relationship. You’re not alone if you keep thinking, “I want to get married.”

I didn’t get married until I was 35, and I thought it would never happen. Now, looking back on those days when I yearned to get married, I wish I knew what I know now. Since I can’t give myself that advice, I thought I’d share it here with you…

To benefit from my tips, you need to know why you want to get married so badly. What do you think marriage will bring to your life? Getting clear on your reasons will help you live happily until you meet the right person to marry.

Before I got married I spent a lot of time learning how to be happy single when I wished I was married. Recently I received a comment from a reader who is so sad she never married that she actually wishes she was divorced. She’d rather have experienced a marriage breakdown than a life of being single because all she thinks now is “I wish I was married.”

Maybe you see yourself in her story. Getting married is all you think about…so much so that you’d rather be divorced than always single.

How to Cope When You Keep Thinking “I Want to Get Married”

When I was single in my 30s, I adjusted to the idea of never getting married. I never gave up hope but I didn’t expect to find someone to spend my life with. I kept dating — and I made it fun and interesting! I approached every new guy with curiosity and willingness, and treated every new date like an adventure.

But even so, I got tired of dating. I often felt hopeless even though I knew my happiness couldn’t depend on a man. Now, looking back, I wish I wouldn’t have wasted my time and energy being sad that I was single. I wish I would’ve used my time, energy, creativity and resources to do pursue joy and peace, instead of grieving my single status. I wish I would’ve learned how to be happy single.

1. Know that marriage won’t make you happy

I Want to Get Married You Think About
Is Getting Married All You Think About?

When you’re not married it’s so easy to assume that marriage will make you happy. It’s easy to yearn for a husband and daydream about the bliss of married life. It’s even easier to fantasize about a big wedding and romantic honeymoon, and to picture the beautiful home and children you’ll have together.

It’s easy to think marriage will make you happy, but it’s a lie. Marriage won’t make you happier than you already are.

If you’re not happy as a single woman, then you won’t be happy married. Marriage isn’t the source of joy, peace, fulfillment, or emotional freedom. In fact, marriage can bring more pain, grief, problems and struggles than you’re prepared for. It’s hard to imagine, but the truth is that some women are better off thinking “I wish I was married” than “How do I live with a man I wish I had never married?

2. Admit how much you care what people think

“For appearance’s sake I wish I could say I was divorced rather than never married,” says a She Blossoms reader on When You’re Tired of Being Alone. “It’s very hard not feeling like something is different or wrong with me. The rest of society pairs up between the ages of 28 and 33. I had an affair with a married man. It reinforced the insecurities and doubts I have about the fact that I’ve never been married.”

We all care what people think of us — and it’s important to remember that married women care just as much as single women what people think! If you’re struggling with “I want to get married” feelings because you want to control and manage your image, then you’ll never be free. That is a trap that goes on forever.

It’s normal to care what people think…but it’s healthy more life-giving to accept yourself the way you are. God create you for a reason; your married or single status is exactly where He wants you right now. Instead of wrestling with what people think of you as a single woman, focus on your relationship with God. Who are you, what is the purpose of your life? Deal with your insecurities, fears and anxieties by growing closer to God through Jesus Christ.

3. Don’t let sadness or disappointment overshadow your life

Work through your grief by going beyond your vague “I’m sad because I’ve never been married” feelings. Grieving is painful, but living with sadness and disappointment is worse. To feel better you need to grieve your disappointment at never getting married, and refuse to let sadness overshadow your life.

It’s difficult but important to dig in to your specific feelings. Just becoming aware of how you feel about never being married – actually grieving the pain you feel – will start the healing process.

4. Handle your feelings of being socially outcast

Being a single woman can be make you feel socially awkward, outcast, and even rejected. You may feel like you’re not good enough for marriage (which may be you’re obsessing with “I want to get married” thoughts). Maybe you think having a husband will make you more popular and accepted, more included and loved. Like you belong. Maybe you feel like everyone else is in love – or at least married – except you. Maybe you don’t feel normal or healthy. Maybe you’re even tempted to wear a ring on your wedding finger so people think you’re married.

Being a single woman over 40 isn’t easy…especially if you yearn for marriage. It’s hard.

Again, it’s difficult but important to work through your feelings. Feeling the pain is part of the healing process. Accept your sadness, and grieve the loss of your dreams. You’ve lost something really important to you, something that you were literally created to be part of. Take time to honor your feelings.

5. Know that being married is not “better” than being single

When I finally got married at 35, I thought we’d live happily ever after. But you know what? We discovered we couldn’t have children. We didn’t want to adopt or foster kids, and the fertility treatments we tried didn’t work. So then I had to learn how to be happy without children. And that’s a whole different type of grief!

No matter what life you’re given – whether you’re married, divorced, single, widowed – there is always, always a thorn in the rose. If you get married, you’ll find stuff to be sad about. If you have children, you’ll have problems to deal with. If you get divorced, you’ll have to start over. If you’re widowed, you may one day grieve the death of your husband.

If you’re not happy as a single woman, you won’t be happy married. True joy, peace and emotional freedom comes from a deep, life-giving relationship with Jesus Christ. A husband is a wonderful gift, but no man can make you happy. Only God can fill the yearning in your heart. You may think you’re yearning for marriage, but the truth is you’re yearning for God. He created you, He is calling you, and you won’t find joy or peace anywhere else but in Jesus through the power of the Holy Spirit.

6. Let go of the past

letting go of someone you love book laurie pawlik she blossoms

If you’re grieving a breakup, read How to Let of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets (and 75 Tips!) for Healing Your Heart. In it I share valuable insights and comfort for women who are alone after a breakup or divorce from a man they love.

It’s an ebook, so it’s immediately available. It’s about much more than dealing with “I wish I was married” thoughts. How to Let Go of Someone You Love will help you move forward in your life.

What do you think? Your comments – big and little – are welcome! Writing is one of the best ways to replace those “I wish I was married” ideas with healthier thoughts. Feel free to share what you think and how you feel below.

Are you struggling with your relationship? Get free help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.


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12 thoughts on “When Getting Married Is All You Can Think About”

  1. It was a fine article until you started spewing the stupid Jesus stuff. He doesn’t help when all you can think about is getting married.

  2. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years now. I’m 26 and finding that it’s this age everyone is having weddings and proposals and children. It’s really difficult to just shut off something you really want. Not only affecting myself but the special moments it takes away from my parents and his. I struggle with depression and all I see is red when it comes to weddings as I feel I want to be that happy. Dont get me wrong I love my partner but it’s very socially awkward when people keep asking you when are you both getting married.? When are you having children? I dont think people realise the impact that makes on someone. Reading this has made me feel worse that I have to accept it wont happen and have to grieve that. It’s difficult knowing my best friend is about to get engaged in a few weeks and I have to pretend I’m happy which I am for her .. but also crying a little on the inside. When marriage is mentioned it’s an argument as you can imagine its brought up a lot. I need to get over it. I keep telling myself it’s a lot of money for one day.

  3. Being a single man has so many disadvantages for us nowadays unfortunately. Very difficult for many of us good single men that are having a very hard time meeting a good single woman for us since Feminism is everywhere right now as well. Finding love in the good old days was certainly very easy with no trouble at all either, just like our family members that had it real easy meeting one another back then. Women have really changed today since back then.

  4. Caleb, I feel the same way! I’m a 38 year old female who have been waiting on what society calls “Mr. Right” for seems like forever. I cry out to God almost every night and nothing, Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t hear my cries or He’s just plain ole ignoring me. Either way I feel so confused and lost at times.. All I hear on my job is women talking about their husband and I’m the only one in the office who isn’t married I try my hardest to block it out and when it gets too unbearable I just go into the bathroom and cry my heart out. I’m also a Christian but I haven’t always done things right I have searched high and low looking for love but it seems to just run from me. I think I intimidate a lot of men because of my height I’m 6’0 but get compliments all the time from men and women of how “beautiful” I am and all I can think about is ‘well if I’m so beautiful why am I not married?” why are guys overlooking me? I’m almost to the point of just giving up on it. I love myself and I’m happy with my life just not happy with my singleness. I hope you find her and I hope he finds me… signed.. just waiting

  5. Caleb,
    We are just humans,we’re fools once in our life. We’ll meet people and thought they are the one but turn out to be just a test for us and thaught us to be wiser next time. I have a child he’s now 7 years old and yes he’s a child out of wedlock. But i love him with all my heart,i know people see me differently and others just dont care but i think all that matters are how you would be able to stand alone,be strong,mold yourself as a better person. There’s gonna be one person that will appreciate me for my past relationship and my child and is gonna be God given spouse.
    Having past relationships that failed and a child out of wedlock means that that person isnt gonna be a good partner, rather,that person learns and gets wiser.
    Sorry about my english,is not my mother language.

  6. It’s really hard, especially since I’m a guy and we’re not supposed to be the ones constantly hearing wedding bells. I’m about to turn 30 in a few months and sometimes I wonder. Is my future wife still out there, did she wait for me? I feel so lonely and confused. It’s so hard to meet a good Christian girl, so many have not just had past lovers but illegitimate children too.
    It’s always worst around this time, 3 and 4 in the morning. I love her but I don’t even know her name. How is it I miss her like this? I’m ready to have someone to cherish, to love me, to grow old with. I did everything right, followed all the rules. I make well above average income, and not to brag but I think I take care of myself physically on top of being 6’2. I know I just have to keep trusting Him, but the flesh is weak and the heart weaker. 90%+ of my coworkers are girls so there is constant gossip and announcements about engagements and weddings. I don’t know, sometimes it feels like a failure on my part. A silly insecurity I know, but it’s there. I grew up a preacher’s kid and homeschooled the whole way, so I don’t always feel like an expert in social interactions. What am I missing?
    I sometimes wonder if it’s healthy to read these kinds of articles. Almost like emotional self pleasuring. Sadness builds up, find something to push over the edge, have a cry and then OKish for a few days.

  7. I feel like this was literally written for me. I’m often finding myself thinking ‘I want to get married. Why aren’t I married at my age? What is wrong with me? Doesn’t God love me? I have cried because I feel so hopeless, lonely and alone. But once in a while I get an overwhelming feeling that God is aware of the desires of my heart and will action when the time is right.
    Until then, I pray for peace and the will to fulfil some of my dreams and the courage to go out there and do what makes me happy as I wait.
    Thank you for this. It changes albeit a little bit, how I now look at myself.

  8. Bah,
    I relate to your comments, having felt like that for years myself (from a different perspective because I am a man). I sometimes still walk in shoes like yours. It often seems to me that all women want the perfect man! Let us first read the article above again. Next, may I propose that nobody is broken, just in search of healing. Finally, I would go so far as to consider myself a “good decent man”, and I do not need, or even want, perfection. My ideals are quite simple really, mainly fidelity and sobriety. What are your ideals? Identify them and seek to become them yourself. Like attracts like.

  9. Some people just aren’t meant to be married bc they’re too damaged physically, mentally and spiritually. All men want the PERFECT WOMAN. Unfortunately, not every woman is perfect, and as I said, some like me are just too damaged to deserve to be married. No good decent men want a broken person?. Depression isn’t my issue, vain selfish abusive disrespecting men(which apparently is ALL MEN) are my issue. So unless you’ve walked a day in my shoes, don’t judge bc you weren’t there?

  10. Not true :) I feel like most good men are already taken too! But there are more good women/men out there than we think