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How to Survive a Bout of “I Miss Him So Much It Hurts”

Missing him more than anything is a bittersweet part of being in love. You can’t be with your boyfriend or husband, and you can’t stop thinking about him. My five ways to cope will help you get through the sad, depressing bouts of missing him. These tips will also help you through a breakup or divorce, which is what one of my She Blossoms readers asked about…

“My ex-husband isn’t good for me, but I miss him so much,” said Sally on What to Remember When You Miss Your Husband. “I wish we were back together even though I know he’s not a healthy man. How do I cope when I miss him so much? I want to be healthy, it’s so important to me to get back to myself. But I don’t know how.”

Inspired by Sally’s comment, I gathered five tips for coping when you miss your boyfriend or husband. You’ll find these ideas helpful – whether you’re coping with a breakup, temporary separation, or long distance relationship.


Here’s another comment from a reader who misses her boyfriend:

On When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Want You Anymore Mel says, “I’m going through withdrawal pains, the same as someone in an addiction. I miss him so much! I hate myself for wanting him and loving him, even though he strung me along with promises of our future. This wound is so fresh and hurts so bad. This article helped, especially reading people’s stories. It was also enlightening to find that many of these bad partners we obsess over or who lie and cheat have narcissistic personality disorder.”

Reading the comments section below is a great way to cope with loneliness and even depression after a breakup. You’ll see you’re not alone – and you may even find healthy ways to cope when you miss him.

How to Cope When You Miss Him

What helps you cope with those lonely “I miss him so much” feelings? I welcome your big and little thoughts in the comments below! Your experience will help others who are coping with the same feelings of loneliness and loss.

Writing was the biggest thing that helped me when I broke up with my last boyfriend. I was missing him so much that I wrote through three notebooks! I wrote him letters (which I never sent), rewrote how our relationship started and ended (just for fun), and even described every detail of his face and personality. After a few weeks I was so sick of that guy, I stopped missing him!

Sometimes it doesn’t matter if he was a jerk, or if you broke up with him. You miss him no matter what.

1. Be kind to yourself

How to Cope When You Miss Your Boyfriend
How to Cope When You Miss Him

You miss your boyfriend because you were created for love. And , it is so hard to let go of someone you love! God created us to be together, to experience relationships and love. We need each other — which is why sometimes we stay longer than we should in abusive or unhealthy relationships.

You miss your boyfriend (or husband), and that’s completely natural. No matter how he treated you or even if he cheated on you, your feelings are normal and even healthy. Have compassion for yourself. Be gentle with your feelings. Accept that you miss him, your heart is broken, and your wounds are fresh. You’re going through the process of grieving your loss, and you need to give yourself tender loving care.

In How to Let Go of Someone You Love, I share several healthy ways to cope, especially for women who miss their ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands.

2. Note the specific reasons you miss him

I missed my boyfriend because I was lonely…and maybe a little desperate. I was also scared I’d never get married, that I’d always be alone. I didn’t miss him; I missed the idea of being in a relationship. I missed the feeling of being in love, of daydreaming about him while I was at work, of planning our next date.


Do you miss your boyfriend or husband because of who he is, or because you don’t want to be alone? Maybe it’s a little bit of both…but you might feel better if you remind yourself that part of you is missing the idea of a relationship. He’s a guy you aren’t meant to be with (at least not right now!). Staying in a relationship with him wouldn’t be healthy for either of you.

3. Replace your “we” habits with new ways of doing things

One of the biggest things I miss about my husband when he goes away for work trips is our evening Happy Hour. We have a glass of wine, cook dinner, unwind and talk about our day. When he goes away, I miss him so much because we end our workday by cooking together.

Creating new habits when you miss someone is hard, but necessary. You may have to force yourself at first, but if you focus on recreating your life, you will grow forward! You might even blossom into who God created you to be.

You may be missing him with all your heart right now, but you’re on the right path. Starting over isn’t easy and it will take time to heal, but help and hope is here. You will be happy again. You will heal and grow through this. I promise that not only will you feel better and happier soon, you will flourish in a new life.

4. Explore different ways to light up your life

The next time you feel overwhelmed with sad feelings – and all you can think is “I miss him so much” – pause for a moment. Take a deep breath. Look up and meet God’s gaze. He created you for a purpose. Find out why! Instead of sinking into the “I miss him so much” feelings, start looking for your purpose in life. You WILL stop missing him if you find ways to light up your own life. I promise. It does get easier.

Finding good ways to cope when you miss him depends on your personality, lifestyle, and relationship. It also helps if you know Jesus, for He is the only true source of peace and joy. Other than Him, those external successes – men, pretty clothes, new iphones, trendy hairstyles, promotions at work, new cars, weight loss, Botox – are fleeting. They may bring you happiness in this moment, but they won’t last.

5. Comfort and hope for the times you’re missing him

Here’s a different (perhaps somewhat odd) way to cope when you miss your boyfriend or husband after a breakup: write an obituary for your relationship. It’s actually very healthy, and will change how you see both the breakup and your relationship! To learn more, read How to Write a Relationship Obituary.

Don’t look outside yourself for ways to be happy. Your boyfriend can’t be responsible for making you happy. Nobody can shoulder that burden! If you’re looking to your boyfriend complete your life, you will always be disappointed and even miserable. Why? Because no external thing or person can make you truly happy. You need to find an internal source of happiness.

How are you coping with life without him?

Feel free to share below. How are you, what do you need, and what makes you feel better when you feel like you’re missing him more than you can bear? Writing your feelings can help you heal, and move forward.

I Miss You So Much

One way to cope is to get a symbol of freedom and healing, such as Willow Tree Soar Figurine. I like this better than doing a purge or cleanse, and burning the stuff your boyfriend or husband left behind.

A symbol like this represents peace, healing, freedom, and letting go. It’s a gentle reminder to have compassion for yourself and patience with the healing process. Yes, you miss him…and you will heal and be happy again.

How have you coped with missing people in the past? Your past coping strategies might help you cope when you feel overwhelmed with missing him. You might remember something strong and courageous about yourself. “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” – Albert Camus.

You might also focus on your thought patterns. Coping with loneliness is about learning how to stop thinking about him.

How are you doing? Your comments – big and little – are welcome below. Feel free to share your thoughts and story. Writing can bring clarity and insight, and help you feel less alone.

In peace and passion,

Laurie


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34 thoughts on “How to Survive a Bout of “I Miss Him So Much It Hurts””

  1. How I cope with my last relationship is writing and walking to work every single day and buying things (don’t do that). and constantly making new playlists of songs. I also wrote alot and (weird) talk to myself as if I was talking to him in a mirror. It was a very abusive relationship ..

  2. I think the healthiest way to cope when you miss your boyfriend – whether you broke up or are in a long distance relationship – is to create an interesting life without him. This is so important, even when your boyfriend comes back (if you’re temporarily separated) or if you meet someone new. A guy should never be the most important or number one thing in your life!

  3. My ex boyfriend and I broke up due to distance and the need for personal growth. We still have love for each other and we said that if we’re meant to be in the future, then it will happen. I miss him a lot and I was trying to find ways to move on, but he also gave me that exact willow tree statue for nursing school. I found it very funny and saw it as a sign from God.

  4. I am 17 in High school right now ready to be a Junior soon. In the beginning of Sophomore year i met a boy from my school and I instantly had strong feelings for him. We used to text on the phone everyday with good conversations and I had a few very good moments with him in person. We used to hug each other very tightly in the hallway when we would see each other and he was my first kiss at the Varsity football game. He used to make me so happy and made me feel good about myself. No guy has ever made me feel that way but him. He was honestly the nicest guy i have ever met and we had so much in common. 2 months later something bad happened between us and we stopped talking for good and we acted like total strangers to each other after that. My friend pulled a prank on me and told me that he asked her out and said he was staring at her a lot and I believed it and told him that I never wanted to talk to him again.. But later my friend admitted and said it was all a prank. I was devastated and depressed for the longest time over him and the situation after that and i cried about him so much. School became rough for me and I started doing bad on my grades because I was just completely miserable over him and I started to think that he started liking my friend “the one that pranked me” because she always tells me that he started at her in the classroom everyday and it bothered me so much. 7 months later school is over for the summer and I still think about him all the time and I feel sad that we had to go through the rest of the school year without talking to each other and it bothers me so much. I never got to tell him how I felt about him because I was scared to go up to him and now I have to get over him during the summer but It would hurt me to move on because he was the first guy I have ever had. I can’t accept what happened between us and I can’t accept that we aren’t good for each other. I keep holding on and thinking that someday we can get back together and possibly start to date each other next year during Junior Year but I just don’t think it will ever happen. I hope that I get over him before the beginning of my Junior year and become happy without him.

  5. That sounds like an awful situation, how old are you? And why can you two not be together? Hope you’re feeling better now

  6. Same thing sort of happened to me. Some men lose interest as soon as they’ve “caught” what they were chasing after. The trick is to keep them chasing until they commit, I guess…

  7. I miss him so much. A man that finally made me happy in ways that he saved my life and helped me heal from the wounds of my past. We created a baby and then 2 months of this new found happiness he was taken from me into confinement. Patiently awaiting a system that has no mercy on such person who has served 15 years for this crime that will never stop punishing. It outrages me to tell my baby girl why her father is still not around because we live in a society that stands by a government that infringes upon my families happiness. As I feel each emotion feeling hopeless, both of us knowing that only in time will we be allowed to be together once again. But as time passes will we be the same? Can love endure such hardship? This is by far torture that I sleep alone every night, alone raising our daughter, and standing alone while I await for his return.

  8. In love with someone I shouldn’t be. We love each other so much but cannot be together. It kills me a little everyday to be apart from him. Did you meet someone who is everything you ever wanted? That gives you everything without trying? That you can really be yourself with? Who really sees all of you because you know you never need to hide? Who helps you to find your real self? That shares some kind of emotional telepathy with you? I have been in love before, but this is infatuation on another level. I have not lived my whole life but it feels like it’s a once in a lifetime feeling. I very much doubt if there is anyone else as imperfectly perfect as he is. He feels like my soul twin. Reading the article I have tried to replace habits but I just cry. Maybe I will meet him in the next life. I hope I will come back in a couple of months and feel better than this.

  9. It’ll be one year in February since I broke up with my boyfriend who was my first love and first everything. My friends and family are sick of hearing me talk about how much I miss him, so I feel like I have to keep all of my feelings in. Something that makes it all so much worse is the fact that we still talk. We stopped actually meeting up and seeing each other a few months ago, but there is still texting and I still see him around. Now he is dating a different girl, but is still telling me that he has feelings for me and doesn’t want to stop talking. I know it’s wrong of me to talk to him while he’s with her, not to mention unhealthy for me and for him. It’s all so confusing. It kills me to see him with this new girl, especially because she looks a lot like me and she seems like a sweet person. I’m trying my best to be civil and not hate on him, especially because I still love him so much despite all of this, but I can’t help but think that I’m crazy. I just can’t seem to stop talking to him even though it’s hurting me and in ways, him as well. It’s been such a long time that we’ve been in this unhealthy cycle, so at this point I feel used to it. I know it’s probably wrong of me, but I keep thinking that I want to find someone else so that I can move on, but I haven’t had any luck. Maybe its just not my time for someone new yet? I’ve been trying to work on myself and stay busy, it’s just hard when I feel so stuck in the past, confused about his and my feelings, and jealous of this new girl that he has. What am I supposed to do?

  10. It’s been over a year, i’m still young and he was my first love. My first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first everything when it came to love. People say that i’m being dramatic, so i never open up about what i’m feeling. It’s been over a year since we’ve broken up, but i still think about and miss him. Like it said up above, i just miss the idea of a relationship, holding hands and pecks hello and goodbye. I guess it also isn’t helping that he was abusive, toxic and an incredible strain on me and my mental health. I don’t think i’ll ever know the exact reason why my heart still aches for something so evil and wretched. I just need to openly talk about what i’m feeling, i’ve been starting to work on me. After we broke up i fell into a massive hole, of binge eating and staying in bed all day, too tired to get up. But now, i realise that i’m not going to become less of a person myself, because of someone who clearly isn’t worth my time. I’ve completely turned my life around, i’ve stared working out, running, i’ve signed up for 2 marathons next year, eating healthy and all of that good stuff. All of this doesn’t change the way i feel though, i don’t think it’ll ever change. But i’m one step forward in changing how i cope with these feelings and being gentle and delicate with myself. Thank you xx

  11. It’s been over for a while neither of us accepted it at first,we fought we shouted we brought each other down so much, police Socail services are involved I have to leave my family home with my children. He’s ran to another city seeing other women not a care in the world. Why do I still miss this man and cry over him when he doesn’t really give a sh*t about no one but him self

  12. I’m having a bad night…. I miss him so much. The way he would hug me tight and lift me from the floor. The way he would wink at me, his smile, his kisses, his touch, his scent. Ima strong woman I’ve been doing good… moving on with life, not contacting him,ect. It’s been over two months since he abruptly ended things by email. I want to hate him but I can’t. I’ve never been in love like this… so I’ve never hurt like this. I just want to be over him.

  13. Your story so reflects mine (except for children, we didn’t have any), so much that I could of wrote what you did.
    I so often wonder why we were together for so long as it was never a healthy relationship. I find it hard to cope with my part. I can forgive him but not myself.
    It is good to know it is finally over it has to be or I will decline even further. I’m at such a low ebb. I know things will get better for me. Things will get better for you.

  14. I’ve been with my exfiance in and out a relationship for over 15 years. In between those years we had 2 children together, he had another child, he married someone, left the country and been in and out other relationships. He would say he didn’t love me enough to be with me, but until 2013 I brought a house we got serious. We had ups and downs, I never caught him in the act of cheating but the were many red flags. I grew unhappy with him because the lack of respect he showed and I couldn’t trust 100%. Although we never married, The honeymoon phase was over! He was a good partner somewhat of a best friend but not husband material, not for me at least. He would do things for me to question and doubt my self. I felt my self esteem and confidence of who I was slowly fading. This isn’t how love suppose to be. I’m not crazy” I would always say, he would NEVER take blame although he was the problem or even caused it. He played victim. Sometimes he would apologize. Most of the time we would both be stubborn and walk around each other like strangers. Not talking for days. I was wrong too! I have issues addressing problems, even with others, later than sooner. A few months ago I called it quits. Eventually I knew this would come, it gotten so bad the constant drama with his family members, he acts as he was neutral in the situation but constantly talked about me behind my back. He instigated the turmoil and stated he can’t help the way some people take what he tells them. Pardon my french, when sh*t hit the fan he wasn’t on my side, he blamed me for everything. I didn’t know I was supposed to like my in laws even though I didn’t, which I had good reason to. Between the drama with his family, my son seeing him face timing females at night, he telling me he wasn’t in love with me but loved me, to our constant fighting, it was time to call it quits. I suggested counseling, but he refused. I later moved and has changed my number. Everyday without speaking to him is another day I heal. I did love him a lot and still do, but not being in love with him is the peace I want to accomplish. After I left him I saw a different side to him that I never seen before. I never thought he would do such things. He blames me from tearing our family apart. That does bother me a lot, I realize I did make the decision for quits, but it was his actions that brought me to make the ultimate decision. I have to realize this in order to forgive him and move on.

  15. I miss him so much it hurts, especially since I know that he left so he could be happy. We were together for 7 years. I was and still am experieding depression and anxiety problems and I took alot of things out on him and he met someone he could be happy with. He’s now with that person. He did the break-up as best as he could. I handled it horribly. I wish it could be possible for us to be friends but I really can’t manage it and even though he’s happy now I can’t bare to see what I missed out on.

  16. Hi Mahtaab,

    I am an Iranian american woman and I lived in Iran most childhood and teen hood. I know what you say and I experienced all pain that Islamic government gives to their people with the name of god (Allah). I am so happy you experienced enjoy and love with your Italian boyfriend for two months. I like to say love is inner strong voice that no one can kill it if you believe it. When government give so much stress and pain to people, having hope for love and strong connection get weak and shallow. It seems you want to have connection and love with right man. Keep your faith strong and move forward. A man who is searching connection and love if meet you will stay with you forever. Some men like short term relationship and they don’t like commitment so for having short happiness don’t trust them because you will hurt later when he leaves you. If in Iran experience short happiness is hard it doesn’t mean that you won’t find right one. Having joy is part of relationship but opening heart and commitment is the main part. A man who opens his heart and want to stay with you is actual love and countries and lands can’t stop him for loving you.

  17. that was me too exactly… but just know that some day the pain will go away and someday t it wont hurt as much…. it will get better just have hope.. it is okay to be sad because that’s normal in the end you will be a much stronger person. in the end you will be happy again and even though now it feels like actual hell.. in the future you will look back at this as a happy memory.

  18. I’m sorry you miss him, and I’m sad that he left. It’s so hard to start over, especially if you have children who miss their dad. There aren’t any quick tips – even my healthy ways to cope with missing him barely scratch the surface of the pain of a broken heart.

    Give yourself time to work through the grief. Soon, those strong feelings of “I miss him so much” will fade…and you’ll find yourself feeling happy and healthy again. It takes time, and a commitment to working through the pain.

    Take good care of yourself, and the loved ones under your wing.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  19. I’m so sad, can’t stop crying, feel overwhelmed and anxious. Don’t know how to look after my 2 children alone, can’t bielebe he’s left us.

  20. i live in iran , my bf is in italy , it has been a year since we fell in love, we were together in october and november , then i had to get back cause i run an independent artspace and he also had to go back to work, we re so in love, i m 32 , it s the first time in my life that i have a relationship that truly i m happy in, before him i failed in 3 relationship in 12 years, i miss him because he is so carring so sweet , we cooked together , ate togetger, making love in the most beautiful way, walking talking together for hours and our laughs . After so many years the first time i really felt happy with someone.
    And dear writer maybe god exist for you, but you dont live in middle east , i live in a very rich country that its leaders are stealing all this country has , and ruining my country in the name of god , where s god in here?? Every day there s a protest from students, workers, farmers, … and they all get silent by force, our very basic need is ignored by this thieves, call themselves leader, i m tired of god if he exist. I m desperate , i miss my man cause when i was with him i forgot all these pain and could breath in happiness.

  21. Wow this is what I’m going thru right now. Iv tried so many times to leave in the past this is the first time I think I have succeeded in leaving my husband:( it’s only been three weeks but i miss him so much. He did basically what URS did, threaten suicide on a daily even would cut himself and beat himself up crashed my car before i left him with me in it, iv only just got well..
    Iknow he hurt me,and still continues to even he’s not here, I don’t want to miss him, I just do:(
    Crying cause I miss him. Could it be that the emotional and physical abuse does something to us that makes us think we miss them that it hurts so bad…
    Has it gotten better for you? Thanks for sharing
    Helps so much

  22. I miss him so much. Is so painful. We were living abroad together but he found a good job back in his country. We were planning to handle the distance but from the first month we start fighting, he broke up with me by saying that doesn’t want any drama in his life and maybe in the future will be again together. I know that I don’t deserve to be a backup but I can’t stop crying every day and think about him for over 2 months. I lost myself respect and acted as desperate. I don’t reply anymore to his texts but I feel so sad, I miss him I can’t concentrate to my job and live normal.

  23. I am going through the same thing right now, I just wanted to check in on you and see how you were doing. I’m a complete train wreck, I can’t stop crying.

  24. This article is so helpful . Though I’m not going through a breakup , but Im preparing myself for a long distance relationship ,we r already having distance . as My boyfrnd is moving to another city . thnx so much for the advice , after reading it I am a lot at ease , once again thanks ?

  25. Hi Laurie, what a great piece. I left my partner after four years, finally admitting to myself that he is a wonderful man but that we simply don’t share the same life outlook. I found your article on a late Saturday night while feeling blue. One of your coping suggestions is really helpful…After my breakup, I want to feel ready to find my life’s purpose, which I will be able to do more effectively by going solo (at least for now). Thanks again and happy spring!

  26. One of the best ways to get over the “I miss him so much” stage is to take your power back. You may not feel like a strong, smart, capable, healthy woman who is in control of her life – but you can start becoming that woman!

    Your ex-boyfriend does not control you. Don’t give him the power. Don’t give him the ability to manipulate and steer like. You are not a puppet, or a puppy, or a helpless victim.

    What are three ways you can empower yourself and feel strong in your own life?

  27. I left my emotionally abusive partner for the last time two months ago. I have left him in the past and managed to stay away from him for a year and a half the last time. However, when contact is made he tries everything to get me to go back. He is sweet, charming and just what I want in a man. However, this only lasts until shortly after I move back in and start paying the bills, etc again. He then goes back to picking at me for everything I do, belittling my friends and downright hateful about my family. He used mind games and even threatened suicide on an almost daily basis to keep control of me and to manipulate me to do everything he wants. Even the night I moved out, he jumped off the balcony railing trying to kill himself. He was unsuccessful but the damage to my mind and my heart is still there. I have been away from him for two months now and was starting to recover. However, he sent me another text last night telling me he loves me and wanting to talk to me. I can’t talk to him! Just the text caused me anxiety. I have MS and just seeing the text last night made the pain intensify all over. When I left him in the past, just seeing him somewhere and not even coming face to face with him caused anxiety attacks. So, my question is, how do I toughen up to this. How do I get strong enough to deal with it if I ever come face to face with him again? He is so experienced at manipulating and controlling me that I am scared of what might happen. I can’t go back but I can’t go forward if I can’t deal with this somehow.

  28. My boyfriend left me yesterday, for the second time. I thought fate had brought us back together and we were going to be together forever, for the rest of our lives. We had so many plans together.

    I’ve been feeling extremely down lately, and I don’t think he could cope with it. The reason why he left the first time was still very much the same as this time. I hate to think that one day he is going to be with someone else, who will make him happy the way I haven’t done.

    I know I will move on eventually, I just hate the thought of having to do so. I’m in my last year of university, and most of it is on a placement. I hope I can put myself into my uni work, and not let this affect anything.

    I don’t know what to do, I feel lost :(

  29. I actually miss him as the person. Not for the idea of a relationship. He spent so long going after me and when i finally accepted he was so happy he could barely contain himself. Within a month i met his parents and family who all loved me. And told him he had a very good catch. I was still skeptical about him. If he didnt see me for a week he’d go crazy. Fast forward 6 months and he ends it with “i checked out a month and half ago” and “i just dont feel that spark anymore”….. I dont understand….. Our routines sometimes collide but i make sure to be on the opposite side of wherever he is yet he is just staring at me the entire time. Literally accross football field even. I don’t understand. I just don’t understand. His words and actions dont match up.

  30. Sometimes we miss the thought of having a relationship or being with a boyfriend. We don’t miss him as much as we long for the feeling of being in love, of connecting with someone, of being loved.

    Believe that this is a season of your life. This “I miss him” stage will pass, and you will be able to remember him without wishing he was back in your life. Have faith that you aren’t with him for a reason, and you will be loved by someone else fully, completely, and deeply.

    In the meantime, get out of your own head! Here’s an article that may help:

    4 Ways to Get Out When You’re Stuck in a Rut
    http://theadventurouswriter.com/she/getting-out-stuck-in-a-rut/

    Shake yourself out of the blue fun, and stop focusing on how much you miss him. Instead, start getting down to what’s really important: recreating your life and becoming the woman God created you to be!

  31. The same thing happen to me, I miss him so much, he went in the hospital then told me he was going back to his home town. I always felt like he was living two lives and now I find myself all alone.

  32. My boyfriend of 18yrs just left back to his hometown without saying one word that was in Feb II’vetried to call and sent texts but he hhasn’t gotten back to me. I feel so hurt and heartbroken we talked about everything. So how can a guy who says he loves just gets up one day and leaves u without saying anything…I feel lost I just can’tseem to move on its like iIhave no closure