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When Your Husband Says He Hates You

It’s painful to think your husband hates you, and it’s even worse to hear him say the words “I hate you.” I don’t know how you feel, but I can tell you that you are not alone. My readers often tell me that their husbands hate them, or they hate their husbands. Here’s what to do if your husband calls you names and treats you like dirt.

When Your Husband Says He Hates YouIn Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft describes nine abusive personality types and how to tell if a hateful husband can change, is changing, or ever will change. Learn what can be fixed when a husband hates his wife, and what can’t. If your husband says he hates you need to learn how to leave your marriage safely.

I don’t know if you need to leave your marriage, or if you and your husband can find the root of the hatred and start to heal it. Either way, learning why your husband is so angry and hostile will help you figure out what step to take next. When someone you love says they hate you, there are no easy answers or quick fixes. There is only the hope and faith that you don’t have to stay in this relationship. You don’t have to live trapped in a hostile marriage. You don’t have to be the wife with a husband who tells her every day how much he hates her…unless you allow yourself to dwell in the pit of despair.

Here is a bit of advice from Sherry. Her husband told her all the time how much he hated her, and she left him. She knows how you feel – and she walked from her abusive marriage! “You have only one life to live,” she says. “Don’t look back one day when you’re old and gray and full of regret. My heart hurts for you because I know how hard it is when your husband says he hates you, but believe me you can feel joy and happiness in your heart again.”

Do you want to spend the only life you have hating your husband and him hating you? Do you want that to be what your children remember from their childhood?

When Your Husband Says He Hates You

Here’s the rest of Sherry’s comment: “Your kids cannot be happy if you’re not happy. Plain and simple – you should leave for your kids’ sake. It won’t be easy at first but I can assure you that with a lot of love and patience, you and your kids will be ok. I separated from my kids father 13 years ago and my son asked me why his dad was leaving, and not me! I was broken, but today I’m my son’s queen – he loves me and shows it every day! I am a happy woman. My daughter says she would have loved to grow up with her dad, but understands that we could have never been happy together…”

Even if you don’t have kids, you can’t stay married if your husband hates you! It’s not easy to leave, but you deserve a better life. You owe it to yourself – and your kids – to leave a man who says he hates you.

How Does Your Husband Show His Anger and Hatred?

Here’s what Dee says: “I am 23, and have been married to my husband since I was 15. I started dating him at age 14. Since age 14, I have been physically, verbally and emotionally abused. I have three children with him ages 8, 7, and 6. He is physically and verbally abusive to them also. He has never been any support for me as I am the only person in the home that works: I pay all of the bills, and come home daily to be verbally abused. I am often called b**ch, wh**e, s**t, and any other name you can think of: I am constantly accused of seeing other men. My husband is a monster and the worst person in the world. Please help me, with any advice to get out of this life with him!!!!”

It’s terrible to be stuck in a marriage with a hateful husband, to feel trapped with a man who is filled with rage, bitterness, and condemnation. Husbands who say they hate their wive are spreading their pain, anger, and hatred to the rest of the family. They are destroying their children’s childhoods with their hatred and abuse.

Get in-person help – today

I can’t give you the help or advice you need to heal a broken marriage or cope with a husband who says he hates you. But, I can encourage you to get in-person help immediately! You can do it; if you found my article on what to do when your husband says he hates you, you can find support helplines and organizations for women. I searched for “domestic violence helpline”, and got hundreds of results for my area alone. If you want to get away from a husband who hates you, you need to be proactive and reach out for help.

Calling for help is hard – my friend’s husband just left her and the kids, and she can’t bring herself to call a divorce lawyer. He told her six months ago that he wanted a divorce, and she could not bring herself to call for help, even though she knew it was the right thing to do. I describe her situation in When Your Husband Wants a Divorce But Won’t Leave.

I can’t give personal advice or counseling to women whose husbands hate them – or wives who hate their husbands. I can only encourage them to get help in person, not just online.

Find one person you can trust

husband hates his wife

What to Do When Your Husband Says He Hates You

If my coworker, neighbor, or family member told me that her husband said he hates her, I’d do everything I could to help her get out of the marriage! If you need help leaving your husband, you need to get in-person support. It’s a good to find online support when you think your husband hates you – or you hate him.

But you need help in person, especially if you’re married to an abusive man.

You need help organizing your children, finances, and a place to live. You need to talk this through with someone — preferably a counselor or social worker who is experienced and can give you good guidance.

One way to start getting in-person help is by talking to your friends, family, and coworkers. I know it can be really difficult to open up to people, but it’s the first step in leaving your husband. Or, at least it’ll help you gain clarity and insight! You may be surprised at how many women have been in the same situation you’re in today, and how helpful they can be.

Remember that your kids are listening and learning from you and your husband. Do you want them to be in a marriage like this? Show them how strong, courageous, and independent a woman can be.

Keep writing about the steps you’re taking to break free from a husband who hates and controls you. Keep talking to your friends or family members about how he treats you and that you’re thinking of leaving! Those little steps add up to a big journey that will change your life.

Read How to Leave an Abusive Relationship if you know it’s time to start thinking about going.

What is one step you can take to start dealing with the fact that your husband is telling you he hates you? You know you don’t deserve to be treated like this. I welcome your comments and stories below, but I can’t offer counseling or advice. Call a domestic violence helpline so you can get specific, personal, individual help.

May you find the strength, courage, and determination you need to take the next step forward. My you find God in the mess, and trust that He will lead you in the right direction. May you reconnect and rebuild your relationship with Jesus, so He can carry you through this season of your life.

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84 thoughts on “When Your Husband Says He Hates You”

  1. Wow. Read this with tears down my face. Some comments were identical to my situation, many different ones in fact. And I still replied to ones from 5 years ago hoping we can all see and learn from them. Each one. I felt common ground with the lady who said don’t take it personally. Especially when youve been married forever. Smile and say, “you always say that, you’ll feel better soon!” And that there could always be worse!” Lol I really did think that exact same thing many times, and but just relized I deserve better when he said he truly hated me and found that fire I had stomped down to embers. Settling for less than I deserved. Always. My whole life cause I have low self esteem. Then the my husband has bipolar and won’t get help, again my situation as well. The story where he raised his fists to me like he was going to then stopped. Told me I was lucky because he didn’t bc really really wanted to smash in my face, again common ground…. We are so different yet the same. I love you him still and we all do, so we stay. We are here online (DID YOU HAPPEN TO NOTICE MOST COMMENTS WERE MADE LATE AT NIGHT WHEN OUR HUSBANDS ARE ASLEEP, UNDOUBTEDLY THE RARE MOMENTS WE GET ALONE AND HERE WE ARE THINKING ITS US AND HOW WE CAN FIX IT) go figure right? Ugh. We are all stronger than our husbands. They know it too. BUT its easier said than done to just leave when you have over a decade married and shared kiddos, but it has been done. And turned out great. Either way staying or going. But one thing is for sure is that life is short and everyone chooses different. We just have to trust that what we pick is right. That’s it. After all the emotional, verbal, financial and physical abuse we don’t think we can do anything right, but I promise you we all still have the fire deep in our hearts (before we ever met them), that still tell us what is right from wrong- and the tiniest ember can start a magnificent fire inside. Its a still quiet tiny voice these days, but with gods grace will become a mighty roar once more. I love you, yes you. each and everyone on here right now, and you are never alone. Theres no good answer here. I looked lol. All I can say is hang tight. Hearts like ours make the world a better place for sure. I see you. I am you. I love you.

  2. I know its been years too late but I pray you got out of there! Men like that, punching your dash of the car- never takes very long until its YOUR FACE. I’ve been there. Leave. Now.

  3. >>WARNING<< Long comment below. If your able to finish reading and understand my writing then your my hero. I did my best proof reading with the help of Ginger app.

    At Sherry and to anyone. I’m 56 years old. Not married. I live with my 59 year old boyfriend. I struggle with depression most of my life, I’m also Adult ADHD and I’m also grieving for a lost of my AD who is alive?!! That’s worse than death due to there’s no closure, death you know, where, how, when and so forth. My AD had cut/severed me out of her life. He’s hasn't said “he hates me” at least not yet, however, he’s been lately saying words that are a “no no”. I’m embarrassed to say what was all said. I can’t say it’s all his fault because we both argue but ‘at most’ I don’t argue rudely (fight below the belt). I do go on and on repeat myself to the point he will then fight below the belt. I at times, had hit him with a vacuum hose, get in his face, basically I’m not innocent. He’s has said I’m worthless, which I already struggle with that on my own, and after that I myself had said to him your worthless. After I said that I told him, I don’t like being like that. He’s quick to temper, he tells me I’m violent, btw he’s not the first one that told me that. My place is a mess, I get extremely exhausted, overwhelmed, overlying excited, talk too much jumping from one subject to another and never finish the first one. Before my psychologist, I saw a therapist. She said to me, do know when you talk 4 subjects all come at once? Now it’s from one to another. I am now seeing a psychologist read that in my contention psychologist is best for me. I drive, bug, annoy, frustrate, wear him out to the point he runs out of patience. I don’t work anymore, since 2007, was with that job 23 years. That’s a whole different story, yet, it has to with my illness. Then in 2011, someone I know who knew a person, who will hire me, at this place you rent cars close by the airport. Oh boy, what roller coaster that was! Im so surprised I didn’t get fired on this huge mistake! Trust me there other huge mistakes, like putting this gentleman in the right car, but wrong register papers and got into an accident!! Yep, that’s correct the company had to pay for the cost of the damaged car! Trust me, there were more that I swear someone was setting me up, nope, it was all me. Later, got another job that my daughter helped me fill out the application, well actually she did all the answers (this was before removing me out of life). It was the Christmas help with a chance of being hired after Christmas depending on how you do. Whelp… I did 2 huge of the exact same mistake, one week I let a customer go without paying and it was a big order (Christmas time), the following week again!! Let me back up a little, before and after those 2 mistakes, I had my share of chasing people and caught up to them in the parking lot because I would forget to take the payment, oh not to mention I left my registered and the customers that are in line! No wonder he gets so pissed off, It starts with me and ends with him. So, is there any hope for me, in my crazy chaotic world? PS, as you can see no education. Back my days they didn’t know much about ADHD, and was put outside or i was this type of teacher, who sang to us and read stories, instead of getting educated. Oh, and I also frustrated teachers too. I would overhear the teacher and principal something about brain damage, taken to the office. I searched about ADHD, it open my eyes and i also saw something regarding brain damage but later they've learned it’s not that. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, do you? Perhaps I need to keep moving forward until I see the light, I don’t know how old I would be?

  4. My husband works 4 weeks away and it home for 12 days. This past Xmas we spent time with one of my daughters from a previous marriage. I know he was tired but I’m tired of giving him excuses. My daughter likes to sleep in really late, so I decided to venture out on my own because I knew my husband had stuff he wanted to do also. When I told him I was gonna go driving around, he told me that he can’t deal with me anymore. My mom didn’t live to far away, so I decided to see her while I was out. During all this time, my daughter was still sleeping. When I told me husband I was gonna see me mom…his response to me what “God…I really hate you”. I was floored and hardbreaken cause he never said that before. When I brought it up later to address it, he told me I needed to just get over it. But I haven’t been able to and he is now working 4 weeks away again. I don’t know where this came from with him. He said he wanted to spend time with me and my daughter…but she majorly slept in and I want to see my mom any chance I get. She is 70 now. Where did his hate come into play. He has changed so much over the last couple of years…and he is always SO negative. Please…give me some advice. I have an older daughter that lives in Utah, and he doesn’t speak about her much. Any advice you give will be SO appreciative! Thank you!

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