4 Ways to Respond When Your Husband Says He Hates You

It’s devastating to think your husband hates you. It’s even worse to hear him say the words “I hate you.” I don’t know exactly how bad things are in your marriage, but I know you are not alone! Read through the comments below. You’ll find hope for your future. You’ll feel encouragement – because as painful and difficult as it is to feel trapped in a hateful marriage, you can find your way through it. These ideas will give you hope and encouragement if you’re married to a husband who calls you names and treats you like dirt.

If you’re scared of your husband read 5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship. I don’t know if you need to leave your marriage, or if you and your husband can find the root of the hatred and start to heal it. Either way, trying to understand why your husband is angry and hostile will help you figure out what step to take next. Even more important is learning how to respond without resorting to his anger and hostility.

Unfortunately, there are no simple answers or quick fixes when someone you love says they hate you. But take heart! There is an end in sight. It won’t be easy to find your way through this, and you’ll have to make sacrifices. You may even have to ask your children, family, friends and even strangers for help. Take all the help you can get – and remember that you do not have to live trapped in a hostile marriage. You do not have to take on the identity as the wife whose husband says he hates her.

You can be free. Even if you stay married to your husband for the rest of your life, you can be free from his hatred and bitterness.

How to Respond to a Hateful Husband

Here is a bit of advice from Sherry, in response to How Do You Help an Unhappy Husband? Her husband told her all the time how much he hated her, and she left him. She knows how you feel – and she walked from her abusive marriage.

“You have only one life to live,” Sherry says. “Don’t look back one day when you’re old and gray and full of regret. My heart hurts for you because I know how hard it is when your husband says he hates you, but believe me you can feel joy and happiness in your heart again.”

3 Ways to Respond When Your Husband Says He Hates You
When Your Husband Says He Hates You

Believe it or not, you really do get to choose how you will live from today onwards. You can choose to live with a husband who hates you, or you can find ways to start untangling yourself and breaking free.

1. Be honest with yourself and others

“I am 23, and have been married to my husband since I was 15,” says Dee on What to Do When Your Husband Constantly Puts You Down. “I started dating him at age 14. Since age 14, I have been physically, verbally and emotionally abused. I have three children with him ages 8, 7, and 6. He is physically and verbally abusive to them also. He has never been any support for me as I am the only person in the home that works: I pay all of the bills, and come home daily to be verbally abused. I am often called b**ch, wh**e, s**t, and any other name you can think of: I am constantly accused of seeing other men. My husband is a monster and the worst person in the world. Please help me, with any advice to get out of this life with him!!!!”

If you feel stuck in a marriage with a hateful husband, you may start to believe there is something wrong with you. You may also think you can’t leave for so many reasons: money, shelter, kids, guilt, shame, fear and insecurity. And the truth is that it will be hard to leave. Starting over is never easy – especially when you feel helpless and hopeless. Your husband has been verbally abusing you for years; of course you feel helpless and hopeless!

Your first step out from under the thumb of a husband who says he hates you? Be honest with yourself. Tell others the truth about your marriage.

2. Reach out and accept the help that is waiting

It’s important to get personal, individual advice. Talk to someone on the phone or in person. You might even consider an online counseling program or therapy group. Your marriage and situation is unique, which means you need individualized support and advice. And it’s up to you to find the right type of guidance. Search for organizations, hotlines and groups for women who married to men who are hateful and abusive. Search for domestic violence helplines in your area. When you are ready to get away from a husband who says he hates you, you will reach out for help.

If you haven’t called for help yet, try not to feel bad or guilty. Some women beat themselves up for not getting help sooner or trying to leave a hate-filled marriage before it got so bad. Go easy on yourself; calling for help and being honest about your husband is difficult. For example, my friend’s husband recently left her and the kids. She she can’t bring herself to call a divorce lawyer. He told her six months ago that he wants a divorce but she’s been avoiding making any calls.

Does your husband want out of your marriage? Read When Your Husband Wants a Divorce But Won’t Leave.

3. Know that everyone will benefit when you get healthy and happy

“Your kids cannot be happy if you’re not happy,” says Sherry. “Plain and simple – you should leave for your kids’ sake. It won’t be easy at first but I can assure you that with a lot of love and patience, you and your kids will be ok. I separated from my kids father 13 years ago and my son asked me why his dad was leaving, and not me! I was broken, but today I’m my son’s queen – he loves me and shows it every day! I am a happy woman. My daughter says she would have loved to grow up with her dad, but understands that we could have never been happy together…”

One way to start getting in-person help is by talking to your friends, family, and coworkers. I know it can be really difficult to open up to people, but it’s an important first step. You’ll gain clarity and insight. And, you’ll be surprised at how many women have been in the same situation you’re in today! They will help you through this.

4. Learn why your husband hates you (because it is not about you)

In Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft describes nine abusive personality types and how to tell if a hateful husband can change, is changing, or ever will change. Learn what can be fixed when a husband hates his wife, and what can’t. If your husband says he hates you need to learn how to leave your marriage safely.

3 Ways to Respond When Your Husband Says He Hates You

When you’re under the thumb of a hateful husband, keep reminding yourself that you will get through this stage of your life. Accept all the help you can get. Decide if you should stay in the marriage and learn how to be free emotionally, or if you should leave your husband.

One day, when you are happy and healthy and healed, you will reach out and help other women living with men who are filled with hate, rage, and violence. For now, accept all the help you can get!

How will you break free from a husband who hates and controls you? Feel free to share your thoughts – big and little – below.


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85 thoughts on “4 Ways to Respond When Your Husband Says He Hates You”

  1. I would like to know how to get out of a 32 yr relatiopnship??I have always been abused mentally and have had more than i can handle to this point..I find myself holding the phone away from my ear for 30 to 45 minutes well he yells on the other end.. We have a business togehter however he is a control freak and never lets me know what is going on. Than after i have made the schedule for the staff (might add this is my company since 2004)he is not happy and tells people not to come to work and later loses his temper and just wants to do everything on his own says know one could ever be as good as him.He is an awful person.I want to leave him and so do my children (fed up now they are 36yrs 35yrs and 23yrs ) Guess I don’t have to stay anymore for the childrens sake???

  2. Wow. Read this with tears down my face. Some comments were identical to my situation, many different ones in fact. And I still replied to ones from 5 years ago hoping we can all see and learn from them. Each one. I felt common ground with the lady who said don’t take it personally. Especially when youve been married forever. Smile and say, “you always say that, you’ll feel better soon!” And that there could always be worse!” Lol I really did think that exact same thing many times, and but just relized I deserve better when he said he truly hated me and found that fire I had stomped down to embers. Settling for less than I deserved. Always. My whole life cause I have low self esteem. Then the my husband has bipolar and won’t get help, again my situation as well. The story where he raised his fists to me like he was going to then stopped. Told me I was lucky because he didn’t bc really really wanted to smash in my face, again common ground…. We are so different yet the same. I love you him still and we all do, so we stay. We are here online (DID YOU HAPPEN TO NOTICE MOST COMMENTS WERE MADE LATE AT NIGHT WHEN OUR HUSBANDS ARE ASLEEP, UNDOUBTEDLY THE RARE MOMENTS WE GET ALONE AND HERE WE ARE THINKING ITS US AND HOW WE CAN FIX IT) go figure right? Ugh. We are all stronger than our husbands. They know it too. BUT its easier said than done to just leave when you have over a decade married and shared kiddos, but it has been done. And turned out great. Either way staying or going. But one thing is for sure is that life is short and everyone chooses different. We just have to trust that what we pick is right. That’s it. After all the emotional, verbal, financial and physical abuse we don’t think we can do anything right, but I promise you we all still have the fire deep in our hearts (before we ever met them), that still tell us what is right from wrong- and the tiniest ember can start a magnificent fire inside. Its a still quiet tiny voice these days, but with gods grace will become a mighty roar once more. I love you, yes you. each and everyone on here right now, and you are never alone. Theres no good answer here. I looked lol. All I can say is hang tight. Hearts like ours make the world a better place for sure. I see you. I am you. I love you.

  3. >>WARNING<< Long comment below. If your able to finish reading and understand my writing then your my hero. I did my best proof reading with the help of Ginger app.

    At Sherry and to anyone. I’m 56 years old. Not married. I live with my 59 year old boyfriend. I struggle with depression most of my life, I’m also Adult ADHD and I’m also grieving for a lost of my AD who is alive?!! That’s worse than death due to there’s no closure, death you know, where, how, when and so forth. My AD had cut/severed me out of her life. He’s hasn't said “he hates me” at least not yet, however, he’s been lately saying words that are a “no no”. I’m embarrassed to say what was all said. I can’t say it’s all his fault because we both argue but ‘at most’ I don’t argue rudely (fight below the belt). I do go on and on repeat myself to the point he will then fight below the belt. I at times, had hit him with a vacuum hose, get in his face, basically I’m not innocent. He’s has said I’m worthless, which I already struggle with that on my own, and after that I myself had said to him your worthless. After I said that I told him, I don’t like being like that. He’s quick to temper, he tells me I’m violent, btw he’s not the first one that told me that. My place is a mess, I get extremely exhausted, overwhelmed, overlying excited, talk too much jumping from one subject to another and never finish the first one. Before my psychologist, I saw a therapist. She said to me, do know when you talk 4 subjects all come at once? Now it’s from one to another. I am now seeing a psychologist read that in my contention psychologist is best for me. I drive, bug, annoy, frustrate, wear him out to the point he runs out of patience. I don’t work anymore, since 2007, was with that job 23 years. That’s a whole different story, yet, it has to with my illness. Then in 2011, someone I know who knew a person, who will hire me, at this place you rent cars close by the airport. Oh boy, what roller coaster that was! Im so surprised I didn’t get fired on this huge mistake! Trust me there other huge mistakes, like putting this gentleman in the right car, but wrong register papers and got into an accident!! Yep, that’s correct the company had to pay for the cost of the damaged car! Trust me, there were more that I swear someone was setting me up, nope, it was all me. Later, got another job that my daughter helped me fill out the application, well actually she did all the answers (this was before removing me out of life). It was the Christmas help with a chance of being hired after Christmas depending on how you do. Whelp… I did 2 huge of the exact same mistake, one week I let a customer go without paying and it was a big order (Christmas time), the following week again!! Let me back up a little, before and after those 2 mistakes, I had my share of chasing people and caught up to them in the parking lot because I would forget to take the payment, oh not to mention I left my registered and the customers that are in line! No wonder he gets so pissed off, It starts with me and ends with him. So, is there any hope for me, in my crazy chaotic world? PS, as you can see no education. Back my days they didn’t know much about ADHD, and was put outside or i was this type of teacher, who sang to us and read stories, instead of getting educated. Oh, and I also frustrated teachers too. I would overhear the teacher and principal something about brain damage, taken to the office. I searched about ADHD, it open my eyes and i also saw something regarding brain damage but later they've learned it’s not that. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, do you? Perhaps I need to keep moving forward until I see the light, I don’t know how old I would be?

  4. My husband works 4 weeks away and it home for 12 days. This past Xmas we spent time with one of my daughters from a previous marriage. I know he was tired but I’m tired of giving him excuses. My daughter likes to sleep in really late, so I decided to venture out on my own because I knew my husband had stuff he wanted to do also. When I told him I was gonna go driving around, he told me that he can’t deal with me anymore. My mom didn’t live to far away, so I decided to see her while I was out. During all this time, my daughter was still sleeping. When I told me husband I was gonna see me mom…his response to me what “God…I really hate you”. I was floored and hardbreaken cause he never said that before. When I brought it up later to address it, he told me I needed to just get over it. But I haven’t been able to and he is now working 4 weeks away again. I don’t know where this came from with him. He said he wanted to spend time with me and my daughter…but she majorly slept in and I want to see my mom any chance I get. She is 70 now. Where did his hate come into play. He has changed so much over the last couple of years…and he is always SO negative. Please…give me some advice. I have an older daughter that lives in Utah, and he doesn’t speak about her much. Any advice you give will be SO appreciative! Thank you!

  5. My fiance says he despises me whenever he’s drunk. He’s done it so often that I believe it’s his fear or insecurities showing up. My self esteem isn’t dependent upon his opinions of me and I just say, “That’s okay or that’s fine” as a response. It leaves him speechless, because he didn’t get a response that matched his negative behavior. Some people are emotionally immature. I go high whenever he goes low.

  6. I am currently pregnant and have also a son who is a year and a half. When I got pregnant this second time he yelled and cursed at me. Told me I f**ked everything up and was extremely angry with me. He’s never actually hit me but occasionaly he will tell me that if I ever hit him he will beat this out of me. Anytime we get into an argument he finds a way of kicking me out or telling me to leave knowing I will be homeless. He says he doesn’t care if I have to sleep on the street. We almost never sleep in the same bed anymore and every morning he finds something about me to be angry at. He tells me he hates me on a daily basis, that I’m lazy and that no one cares about me including my family. Which I already know. My son is starting to hit me and pinch me and hurt me unlike how he acts with his dad. I thought he was different when I first met him. Ive been through a lot in my life being abused as a child in so many ways. Expressed this to him slowly and slowly he began to treat me the same way. I cry almost everyday and even if he can hear me he doesn’t care. He yells at me any chance and word I speak. I told him I wanted to go back to school to find something I’m good at, he told me I can’t even wash the dishes and laughed at me. Am I really not good enough? Do I really deserve this even though my whole life ive been treated like this? I didn’t want to leave at first because I love him but the pain I get when ever I’m aroumd him is too much. Even when were having a good time he still finds a way to be mad at me. He’s so nice and warm to everyone else he interacts with but ignores me when others are around like I’m not there. I’m due in 3 months and I’m so afraid that when the baby gets here ill be so stressed and alone I might commit suicide. I feel so empty and alone and helpless at times and to think this has been my whole life scares me to death thinking I will spend the rest feeling this way. I don’t even want to look in the mirror I don’t want to get out of bed anymore. I have no where to go and no means of help or money. So I am stuck and its starting to really get to me. He has lost my heart that I patched up for him, thinking he was the one who would fix it for me. I feel so much pain and try not to show it. But when I express a tad of it he freaks out tells me how ungrateful I am of all he provides for me. I had a full time job and my own place before I met him but I cannot work now being pregnant and he uses it against me Anytime I say anything. I am useless to him unless my legs are open. Otherwise I’m just in the way. Maybe he regrets choosing me. Maybe I am what he says. Or maybe I should just disappear so no one has to deal with me.

    1. Erika,

      I’ve been away from my abuser for about two years now. This morning I was taking my shower, and I thought why did he hate me so much but kept me around? I ended up googling and came across this article, but your comment meant something to me. It was like I was writing your words. Reading your words, brought me back to that house I shared with him and the helplessness I felt within those walls. I felt isolated, alone, ashamed, like everything was my fault. I caused his anger, I was the pathetic one, I was the one who wasn’t good enough. Erika, if you so happen to come back to the comment and read this…then I was meant to see this and help you in some way. Stop and think….if you were so pathetic and useles…whe does he have to make so much effort to keep you under control? So u don’t ever leave him…he’s the pathetic one, the one who should be ashamed, and the one who is not good enough. Period. Don’t EVER forget that. They break u down where you learn to be helpless…that is not you…that is how he conditioned you to be to better manage you.
      But I know you’re strong. You can express your feelings clearly and you are very articulate. You know what you feel, but you’ve been taught to doubt yourself. So hear I am to tell you, stop doubting yourself. Trust your gut again and your feelings. Don’t give up. Don’t let him win. If not for you, for your kids. Gain strength in that. Those feelings of worthlessness, loneliness, and whatever else you feel…are signs of psychological manipulation by an abusive man who wants to control you. Period.
      So what now? Get a hold of a book by Lundy Bancroft called Inside the Mind of Angry Controlling Men. That books was the first step in saving my life. I read it two years ago…and I was still in a lot of denial…Bc of the high emotions I felt for him (they make you become addicted to them…so just leaving is harder…hot and cold behavior turns you into a crack addict for this man…know it isn’t good for u…but can’t stop). But I recently read it again…and I had much more clarity. He also is on YouTube. I would say educate yourself. If your resources are limited…validate yourself and learn to start trusting your intuition again by reading online resources. Just Bc your physical situation hasn’t changed, that doesn’t mean your mental condition shouldn’t. I have complete faith that you will be strong enough to do this.
      It’s a journey and a process, nothing really happens over night. the national domestic violence has great resources to help plan your departure. I want to leave you with this…anytime he abuses you, repeat to yourself in your head…I DO NOT DESERVE THIS, NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS IVE DONE.
      You are not alone in this struggle with abusive men, Here in America every minute, twenty people are being abused. 1 in 4 women will be in an abusive relationship. This does not make it ok…or even acceptable. This is worrisome. You’ve just told your story to strangers on this blog. You don’t have to be ashamed anymore. I don’t know you, but I will be praying for you and your family. For the strength and mental clarity you will need. Never think suicide is the best route. Don’t let them win.

  7. My husband says he hates me .belittles me in front of skinny woman in the diner ..or out and about ..don’t laugh at my comments tells me to use my head.

  8. I am thankful for this article. Every day my husband comes home and calls me horrible names and berates me in front of my daughters. Just writing this i realize how messed up things are. He insults me, curses at me and has said he hopes i die. I work two jobs, have two small girls, two and five, and take care of all household duties – bills, laundry, cleaning, appointments, cooking, shopping, etc, etc. He gets off work at 5 and goes to the bar or stays in the garage and drinks all night. I always pray my girls are asleep before he gets home. He has indicated that he is going to be such an a** to me that want to leave. I’ll never leave my kids so i have to figure something out. He says hes”done with me”. I dont know how to leave bc im not financially able. Um stuck being abused every day in front of my kids. I need some help and dont know where to turn.

    1. I am right there with you I work 2 jobs but cannot afford to move I am verbally and physically abused but my husband is addicted to drugs.

        1. Sorry. Sometimes I think maybe a lot of us are abused because we’re not as skinny as we were when they knew us when we were both younger and so they don’t think we respect ourselves but really we’re getting fat because we are stressed, we are working a lot and eating more because it makes us feel better when we’re stressed and where is the joy that our husbands bring into our lives?

  9. I can totally understand why your husband’s behavior hurt you, Julie, and why you’re upset! It sounds like it’s been a very difficult journey for you and your husband, and your marriage is struggling. You’re also coping with health issues and medication changes, which makes even the smallest things more difficult. You’re in a painful place right now, and it’s not easy.

    It sounds like it’s time to reach out for support, to help you untangle all the emotions and experiences…and to help you start planning what to do next. Or, maybe you just give it time to let the emotions of both you and your husband dissipate a little.

    Who can you turn to for in-person help and support?

  10. my husband just told me he hated me for the first time last night. when we first got together and got a place together his mother had custody of his kids and i was the sole parent to my 3 sons. I made a promise to myself i would do anything in my power to help him havs that gift of joy he was missing out on. Di we decided he would finish accomplishing his dream becoming a tech and mechanic. Even though he works insane hours i would do whatever to get his mom to let me have em. The 13 year old accepted us as a family but our 8 year old then 5 yr old didnt. I was already being bullied and having my home ran by my mother inlaw doing any rediculious request she asked of me. She would smile and be like family but obviously wanted me gone behind my back. Same with the 5 yr old starting with defiance and manipulating my husband and i. He would accuse me of lying or being crazy. Finally the stealing began and i lost a 2 thousand dollar necklace my grand father left when he died. He was my everything but i was told to hide my feelings and get over it. my days are filled with caring for and loving all 5 and i wouldnt trade it for anything but i endured alot with his youngest. She would go bk n forth from being the daughter i always wanted to trying to block me from having any relationship with her dad . who can blaim her she missed out on him fir 5 years of her life while he was in prison. Meanwhile his mother would try n cut contact with my family. set my mother up to try n gt my husband and I to hate her, question the girls if i abuse them.. it ended up with us having alone time from 9pm to 12 watching tv or talking. Tgen nothing my birthday we sat at his job while he worked then ate,anniversary was given to the kids on a 5 day trip of our youngest daughter going bk to defiance n him calling me crazy n flat out saying i choose them over u get out my house*( which we both worked for). i wanted a family not me to be picked. He ignores me but gets angry if i get frustrated repeating myself or if i xatch him doing wrong he cusses me out. Then it got better we still fought if i requested alone time because im alone 24 7 with 5 kids n now last night he told me he hates me and i am a bad mom n slob im actually ocd n have a spotless home. I have been tired the last week going off hypithyroid meds but i was shocked n broken. pleasse help

  11. I am not married but might as well have been i am 28 and have been with my bf who i live with for almost 9 years…………..i know i am as much as the problem as he is i cant seem to let this toxic person go. I feel pathetic and hate myself for it….when i lose him i feel like my oxygen is getting cut off and i am deathly afraid to be alone and without him. I dont understand why i am the way i am i have tried to leave several times only to come back to being pathetic and weak and taking him back because the love i have for him is deep and pure. He is my everything . He has cheated on me many times he has hit me and he has emotionally and verbally abused me almost daily if not on a weekly basis. He also will never do anything to ever help me with anything……and if i ask he yells at me. Example if i did the laundry and i ask if he can bring it in cz hes stronger than i…he yells at me. Example asking him to help me bring in groceries or furniture he acts incredibly irritated n ends up yelling at me. I am so lost and depressed…i just feel incredibly hopeless and insecure. He tells me he hates my guts all the time…. I wish i wasnt this way n i had the courage to stand up and walk away. He is threatening to leave n never deal with me again tomorrow and i am just completely numb shattered and heartbroken…..

  12. My husband texted me today, I’ve read it 20 times. “OMG you are terrible. I mean really terrible. Leave me alone. I hate you.” Our 19 month old is. Aping now and I’m trying to figure out how to pull myself together. He has never been physically abusive to me. He just says terrible things. He laughs at me when I try and explain how I feel and doesn’t acknowledge my feelings. He controls all the money we have as I stay home with our daughter. Every day he tells me I need to get a job and contribute. I work on the weekends. I am at a point that I feel so alone and small. No one would ever guess our life is like this because we always put on a happy face for others. Right now I feel so desperate and ashamed and broken and angry!

  13. First i lived with my common law husband 40 years thru hell and back he always belittle me i have no financial ties with him my daughters are grown and gone i have cancer he wants out why doesnt he leave

    1. Sometimes things are to familiar. You said 40 years with this guy wow. It’s hard to move on from something you spend so much time with. It became part of you rather it’s good or bad. He relies on you to much. He has to much of ego to admit it which is why men tent to put women down. Specially strong women they feel vulnerable. That’s why they will make you stay home not work. No money gaps in work history. Hard to get away no money employers will hire more experienced person. Talks down to you makes you feel bad. Even when you keep house clean have dinner ready when he comes home. Nothing seems to work can’t do do anything right. It’s not you he has unsolved problems in his life it’s easier to point the finger than to correct or admit they have a problem. I’m going thought same but we have 2 kids 2 and 1.

  14. Dear Amanda,

    Thank you for being here. Your comments have touched my heart and made me realize how strong and courageous some women are! If you can live with a husband who says he hates you and who belittles you, then you can live through pretty much anything.

    Will you do me a favor, and read this blog post?

    7 Ways to Survive Life With an Angry Man – When You Can’t Leave

    Tell me what stands out to you in that article. Is there anything you can hang on to that could help you survive life with a husband who says he hates you… or that gives you strength or courage to leave?

  15. This touched home. My husband had been telling me for 4 years he hates my guts and belittles me every way he can. I was about to leave him 3 years ago finally saved enough money and had a lease signed for a 1 bedroom for me and my 2 year old then…found out I was pregnant. Talk about a game changer! He swore to me he would change…well 3 years later and nope he hasn’t changed a single bit only this time I have NO money saved, lost my job because I moved to be with him (his job moved him) now I feel completely stuck…no job with 2 kids and in a place I have no friends or family…talk about feeling at your lowest. I don’t even know where to start.

  16. Hello Tranquility,

    What a lovely name! It sounds so serene and peaceful…and that’s what you’re searching for, isn’t it? Tranquility, peace, serenity…and no more conflict with a husband who says he hates you.

    What type of advice were you looking for? It seems like there are many different types of paths to follow…do you need advice on changing your husband, learning how to communicate better, fixing your marriage, leaving your husband, getting a divorce, finding a counselor, changing yourself, getting help from family or work colleagues, or ???

    Sometimes it helps to narrow down what you actually want and need in your marriage and your life. Then, find ways to get what you want and need.

    What do you want and need in your life?

    1. Why are you asking Tranquility what kind of advice is she looking for!?!? She desperately needs help getting away from this man!! He is verbally, emotionally, physically and financially abusing her! She’s not allowed access to even her own paycheck! He’s telling her what she can and can not do in every aspect of her life, even what and when she can eat?? He’s controlling her and trying to keep her isolated. A classic symptom of abuse. She needs to call one of the hotlines and get out while she can. Tranquility, if you are reading this, get out! If and only when he changes, should you think about POSSIBLY working on this marriage, but right now you and your children need to be someplace safe. Do you have family who can help you? If not, like I said, call one of those domestic abuse hotlines. Please. I hope you are safe.

  17. I feel the same I have been in a relationship for 6 years now I am like a child t him I am not allowed internet access (I’m on my work pc now) And when I’m aloud on the internet he has key loggers and history lock to make sure I’m not watching tv ever. Im not aloud to eat when he’s at work because he docent take a lunch i can’t eat either. He says I’m fat (I only weigh 160 and I’m 5 foot 9) and lazy and never do anything for him I work as well and cook teach the kids and clean the house (I home school his decision now it was mine but it got overwhelming and i wanted to send them to school and he won’t let me) I am not aloud to read anything he does not approve because it rotts my brain he says. I get yelled at told he is going to leave on a daily basis I use to cry now I don’t and he says its because i don’t care and I’m so selfish because i want to read or watch tv instead of sitting and watching him play a game on the pc or be up his ares but when i do that he gets mad and wants me to leave the room (I don’t even know what to do) I want to leave but he has control of all the money even what I make. He says its because i don’t pay the bills onetime or because i made payment arrangements and i only did that because he refused to pay with his money when i was unemployed and it was going to get cut off but when i say anything about that he blows me off with name calling and says we should have just let it get cut off. I pay all the house bills he only pays his like his cell truck and child support. I seem to be the problem no matter what I find myself lying about eating so i can eat dinner (Yes i have had dinner taken from me) I lie about everything anymore just to keep the peace and some of myself intact. I hate my life but i can’t seem to get out. we don’t have a tv anymore (He sold it saying we were going to move and needed the money we never did move) I have been kicked and hit and spit on and slapped its been about a month tho i did get slapped on the leg last night because he said you better not get into my chips and i got an attitude and said i haven’t touched your damn chips I’m just getting so angry about all of it its hard to hold back anymore. I really need some advice.

    1. Tranquility, see my reponse to Laurie. Please seek help. You husband should not be keeping you isolated like this. He shouldn’t be telling you when you can or can not eat. He shouldn’t be telling you can’t read a book if you want. He’s keeping you isolated. You can’t even have access to your paycheck? Please ask your family for help. If you don’t have any family that can help you, call one of those domestic abuse/violence help lines, but you and your children need to get out and be somewhere safe. Then if you want and he is willing to change, and by that I mean SERIOUS counseling, you can think about saving your marriage. But right now, this is not a marriage, it’s servitude. Please be safe. My prayers are with you!!

  18. I agree with you, Rose! I think your husband may have some sort of personality disorder such as narcissism or something. Even if he’s 100% healthy personality-wise, he is treating you like trash.

    What would it feel like not to be with a husband who says he hates you? What would it be like to be with a man who loves you and treats you with respect and kindness? Write it down. Start feeling your way towards happiness by picturing a marriage that is healthy and good.

    You deserve to be loved. You do not deserve to be treated like garbage, to be told by your husband that he hates you.

    But the only person who can stand up for you is….you!

    What would it be like to stand up for yourself? You don’t have to confront your husband or try to make him stop telling you he hates you…just start thinking about what life would be like without hearing his abuse all day and night.

    Here’s an article that may help:

    How to Decide if You Should Stay or Go

    Take care of yourself. Be kind and gentle with yourself.


  19. Hello, My name is Rose. I am 24 years old and my husband is 30. I am spanish and he is Korean. We both got married very quickly after talking to each other for 4 months online. Although, our story is not so common we ended getting married pretty quickly. During the first 4 months of our marriage we had so many arguments because I found him watching porn online. I have also discover many lies from him. Me being christian I don’t agree with pornography or other sinful things. He has also many times asked for a threesome and many sexual fantasies which I don’t agree with and hurts me a lot. Sometimes, he is the sweetest husbands by buying me things and looking after me, but sometimes all of the sudden his personality changes, sometimes he gets mad for no reasons and tells me he hates me and doesn’t like me anymore. He also saids I look fat and that I don’t have big enough boobs. I only weight 106 pounds and I am 5’0 feet tall. I don’t consider myself fat but he does. Sometimes, his behaviour is very strange one minute he saids he loves me and can’t live without me but maybe 6 hours laters he gets stressed and saids he hates me or blames me for not showing my love to him much but I do. He complains how he feels that one day I will leave him but I have never said anything like to him. He also thinks one day i will get bored of him. He also blames himself by saying that he is a bad person and that he feels sorry that I have to be with him. I don’t get it one minute he is happy and than a minute later he is either very angry and accusing me for things i have never done. He blames me for destroying his life too. I know he is stressed because he doesn’t have papers at the moment he is waiting for his permeant residence and work permit. he feels stuck since he wants to study but can’t. He is also saids he doesn’t like people and only likes others for his convenience. He told me not to expect that he will stay with me forever. I don’t get what he is trying to tell me. I have started to feel that maybe he has a mental health problem like a personality disorder or narcist personality disorder since he likes to critize others a lot and thinks that he is the smartest person and nobody is better than him. He talks bad about others all the time. He is also very hard on himself. anybody tell me what could be happening with him??????

    1. He is not an American, his brain works different. But sweetie he told you whats going on with him, he is using your marrige to stay here in the states, once they go through he’s gone. Grammie used to say, “I thinkith thou protestith too much!” in other words he’s guilty of something, probably the things he accuses you of. Stay safe, don’t loose yourself to his insanity. Any abuse verbal included, disrespect, degradation are all intolerable and he can sleep somewhere else till his attiude changes. And it will…for a while, when he’s back to his old tricks its get out and go back home!

  20. So sorry that you’re going through this in your marriage! I wish I had the right words — or a magic wand to help you cope with the feeling that your husband hates you. It’s like you’re fighting a losing battle, and nothing you say or do is right.

    You are not alone. I know it feels like you are alone in your marriage, but you have the power to reach out and surround yourself with people who care. There ARE people in the world who can treat you with love, kindness and respect.

    7 Things to Remember When You Feel Like No One Cares

    Take care of yourself – find ways to give yourself the love and respect your husband won’t. Treat yourself with gentleness and compassion.


  21. Everything I say almost is wrong. He thinks romance is sitting in front of tv and read a iPad. It hurts. I feel like a old stale piece of bread. I feel very a lone.

  22. My husband is a coward. He does not accept responsibility for any of his selfish actions. He has lost high paying jobs due to being charged with DWI. We are barely making ends meet because of his constant spending. He looks at me with disgust. He belittles me daily in the presence of our children. He calls my mother and sisters b$&*hes and other derogatory names ( his mother and sisters some how escapes the wrath). We barely speak. The only time he is happy is when he is drinking. I hate having sex with him because there is no love there. He blames me for everything that goes wrong when I am the one that makes it all right. If I did not work, my kids would not eat. There are times when he gets paid and there isn’t any food in the house, he would rather spend his money on alcohol and whatever else makes him happy. Is it possible for someone to love their kids but still put their needs first? I hat e this man deeply. I cry daily because I am trapped. I am trapped. I am trapped. I am trapped. No way out.
    My Prince Charming is Satan himself.

  23. Punish your husband, and he’ll hate you.

    Before you decide your husband is at the root of all of the problems and is abusive (that word is tossed around so much it’s become meaningless), take a look in the mirror. And talk to him. And get marriage counseling. Plus perhaps individual counseling (and maybe your husband needs individual counseling – your marriage counselor may press him to do so if he needs it and won’t go).

    I felt punished for the impardonable crime of running my daughter’s funeral. Any word about it – what the coroner said, what the police said, what the funeral director said, etc. – brought an explosion. Even asking my ex-wife’s mother if she had had a good night’s sleep got an immediate nasty retort from my wife.

    I eventually finished taking care of our daughter’s affairs without telling my wife. I went to probate court alone, called banks and investment houses, dealt with the cemetery manager and stonecutter alone, and developed an online and printed memorial alone. It was safer that way – I didn’t get yelled at.

    For the following three years, she told me that our daughter was our least favorite child, and if I disagreed, she did what she could to prove her case.

    This made me avoid her – and hate her.

    We got hit with a flood a month after our daughter died, and she refused to help with any flood repairs, or deal with FEMA or other government agencies. I was even criticized for talking to the neighbors for 15 minutes or 30 days as we watched FEMA repair our town, bit-by-bit.

    She also refused to go to marriage counseling when I asked her to go three months after our daughter’s death. A bigger wall – and more anger and hate continued to grow after that.

    This may sound like an extreme case (I hope that not many of you lose a child and then have a flood in a month’s time), but there are many wives who are directly or subtly doing things to drive their husband away. Most people who are repeatedly criticized, exploded at and nagged will eventually develop resentment, then anger and then hate.

    And then the other spouse will be justified in blaming their partner for their failing or failed relationship.

    If you get into one of these situations, and your physical safety is not at stake, get marriage counseling, and quickly.

    By the way, I’m now a single father of two.

    1. Shes dealing with an addict, she needs to go to ALANON ( for family members of addicts) and he needs detox, as someone who knows from experience all addicts are selfish and most live in the house she described, counseling is good, sobriety is why the counseling will work. Of course he will resent her further for making him leave his friend and hobby…

  24. This house is only his name on deed and refinanced and my name was added as a guarantor. He threatens me I should not get this house and leave and give him my savings when divorced.

  25. I am married for the second time to an abusive man I have a 16 yr old from first marriage and 5 yr old from this. Both boys. I am not sure what steps to take I am talking to helplines, police and friends. I need this house to bring up my kids. I have a job which pays ok. He abandons us now and then but pays bills and mortgage. He threatened to divorce many times but even i signed his papers he rejected. He told me he is trying to get rid of me. It’s been 10 years like this.

  26. I’ve been married for almost 12 years, we’ve beautiful child is about 2 years old. Since we’ve been married we don’t have a decent conversation, it always ends up with arguments or fights with no solutions. I’ve tried silent ways it didn’t help much, it all piles up and makes it worse. Recently during fights, he claims that I ruined his life, but he changes his mind later. He hates to look at me as he says. During any conversation he calls me names or curses me with unbearable words it increased over the years, it makes my heart bleeds within and also it isn’t suitable environment to raise a child. I’ve spoken to him enormous times to change his ways on how to converse for the sake of the child with no changes. He is well educated with respected degree and job, but it didn’t help. I’ve complained to his mother, but she doesn’t dare talking to him of such matter, because his temper. I’ve asked him recently for marriage consular, but he seems not interested and gets upset quickly every time I bring the topic up.
    Before we had a baby we had plenty of times to do outdoors activities, but he preferred to do it alone or with his friends, and left me home alone. Now we ‘ve a baby it’s rarely to almost none we spend time together and I do everything for my child, plus taking care of him. Someday am afraid that I’ll end up alone or get used to this kind of abuse. God bless all of you, Thank you!

  27. My husband and I resent each other so much it’s turned into sheer hatred. We both have issues and both of us are responsible for the state of our marriage. The thing is, I know that I still love him and don’t want to let go. I love him more than he loves me. I think he loves me only because he doesn’t think he could find another that would love him as much as I love him. I know we should divorce and I know that neither of us will truly be happy together…I just don’t know if we will truly be happy apart either.

  28. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    JB, thank you for your comments – it’s awesome to see that you’re not letting your husband’s choices dictate your own! Your story about the trip to Paris is inspiring. We need to focus on leading fulfilling lives, and do our best to ignore the negative influence of others…even our husbands.

    You are an inspiration, and I’m glad you’re here!


    1. My husband has also said cruel things such as regretting marrying me, he hates me, he wants out…and so on. I have learned over the 30 years we have been together to not retaliate and to just not “buy it.” He is still here. Your husband is lashing out. He is frightened because in 14 weeks he will be a father of a beautiful baby. He is not sure he is up to the task. This is where you have to be strong for your sake and the sake of your baby. Take care of yourself. Be good and kind to yourself without harming your husband. Do what you would do if he was fawning all over you. Keep it positive. Speak little except for positive thoughts. Don’t ask him any questions. Don’t interrogate or ask for explanations. Prepare for your baby and a happy family. Ignore the hateful comments or just smile and say…”you’ll feel better soon” or “oh, you’re just saying that…I know it’s not always easy.” Don’t start a fight and don’t engage in one. You may end up bearing the full responsibility for this child but take it one day at a time. Live in the moment and shake off his negativity. That is the best you can do. And this is a part of forming the positive behaviours in your marriage that will set the stage for your future together. Just keep it positive. Laugh a lot. Engage with the outside world. Love your pregnancy and your beautiful new baby. Then thank your husband for being a great dad and giving you such a lovely child. Read Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now. It will help. Use it as a bible. Good luck. There are people out there who love you. Know this.

      1. I like your comment I go through a lot of your same situations everyday since the beginning of our relationship. It has gotten better over the years, but still now and then he gets really angry. Your suggestions are real to me because I do a lot of the same all the time. I believe in not sinning with divorce and still hold on to GOD’s promise that he will heal us. I see it slowly over the years and get discouraged when he acts crazy again.

        1. I truly admire that Michele. It took me about six years to figure it out. The tragedies and traumas of others around the world have given me strength, for the sake of humanity, to put my travails in perspective. My husband is starting to engage more also and I know it’s because of my behaviour. There is a way to put your foot down without engaging in battle. Our kids and I booked a trip to Paris for next week without my husband because he didn’t want to go. We asked him to join us and let him know he is loved and welcome. But he just wants to be alone in his room. But now that he has watched the news and seen the love and sorrow of Parisians he is looking at himself and us and I can see him wondering what the heck he is sulking and ruminating about. So he has decided to join us. Why wouldn’t he? And I didn’t need to say a thing. It’s really about perspective and internal locus of control. He has a loving wife and kids. All we need to do is look around and thank God for what we have. My life is a dream and I am so grateful for that. The only thing that can get in the way is an angry husband, especially when you don’t see it coming. I think if all women knew how to laugh and shake it off without doing harm then families would be so much happier and healthier. When your husband is in pain he likes to inflict it on you. When he sees it isn’t hurting he will eventually learn to stop. His pain isn’t about you at all. I know it is hard…and yes, discouraging. But please know, Michele, that you are not alone. I have you in my heart. If it helps to think of that when he acts crazy then we have exchanged a meaningful gift.

  29. We have been married 47 years and since day one he has hated sex or intimacy. In all these years I’ve never found out why he feels the way he does! He hates any sex, there for he hates me. He’s never slept with me or have we went any where together let alone speak to me. He eats and sleeps mostly in his garage, it has an apartment attached to it ! I feel like a 67 year old virgin, we had sex once and that was a disaster. I’m to old to care any more, I do have a nice house which he keeps up and up to date, super health benefits, clothes and a well taken care of car. I have many friends who know my situation and a shrink. All are helpful and caring. He’s retired and just stays cooped up in his own area and goes no where and has no friends that I know of.

    1. Seriously, if you really thought he hates you for all that time and you’ve accepted an apparent no sex life then you have no reason to complain at this late stage. You’ve already said you’re past caring so I puzzle at your reasoning for posting?

    2. Amy….just ignore Kev’s comment. It’s mean spirited. You have been cheated out of a lot in life and you have chosen to stay with it. I have known many women like you and now my husband has done the same. Yet he also keeps up the house…but spends his spare time in his man cave and has few friends. I have chosen to engage with the outside world and it looks like you have also. That is what keeps us going. You are living in the moment and that is the best you can do. One day he will die and you will feel sorrow for him and yet a great relief for yourself. Most women end up being widows and somehow they all cope. All you can do is be kind in the meantime because chances are you will outlive him. If you can’t leave him or don’t want to leave him then your only option for well being is to be gentle and kind to him. If he is abusing you that’s a different story. But sounds like his abuse is simply neglect and you seem to be able to cope with that. Perhaps rather than cope, thrive on what you have and share it with him. Remember it’s not you. He is carrying shame for his inabilities and you can help him with kindness. However bad it is for you remember it is worse for him. Take care sweet Amy.

      1. Why ignore my comments? I’m more qualified than you’ll ever be for many reasons. I’ve been in that awful place of saying things I never meant. I’ve seen the pain it’s caused. I’ve also treated many in my capacity as a psychologist.

        You’ve been wounded so you are likely to want everyone to fit your notion to justify your own emotions. Me, I’ve accepted mans weaknesses and although never defended them I’ve explained then. Have you?

        Sto playing the victim, you don’t need to, you are one. Each case is, and will be unique to one another. Accept that the advice will be different to.

        I wish all who feel so low that they need to post their thoughts whether true or false on a website the best in life. The one common thing I see is you all jack the ability to talk to someone in the real world which is a great sadness.

        1. So because you’re abusive you’re more qualified than I? And your comments were mean. These women don’t need “mean” in their lives. They are already suffering from “mean.” I have a graduate degree in clinical psychology and have taught and facilitated a lot of sessions for couples and women. None of the women on this site are victims. Frankly, I don’t understand why you are on this site if you can’t control your own temper with your dear wife. I don’t see what value you bring here other than to reinforce the fact that a lot of men say hateful things to their wives when they don’t really mean them.

          1. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

            Thank you both for your honesty! I appreciate your willingness to share your opinions, and challenge each other.

            Let’s just leave it where it is, okay? Allowing women to share their experience with feeling hated by their husbands is the focus of this thread, and it’s not our job to wonder why people are commenting. That’s their business.

            Let the things you don’t agree with pass by you; don’t hold on to the opinions that upset or frustrate you. Shake it off. Hold on to what you know is good, true, and right.

            In peace,

    3. Hi Amy, I know you posted this comment almost a year ago, but I stumbled upon this article (and your comment for that matter) just today…I am still in my 20s and have, of course, never been married, but I see and hear a lot of comments like yours and am wondering why you, and many other women in your situation, would choose to be married and live a life without intimacy and sex….My intend is not to judge you, not at all. I am just very curious about the reasons why someone would stay in this situation…Your husband does not seem to mistreat you, you seem to still have a good life (a good social life, a great house, great clothes, a great car, etc), but how can you accept that the person you are married with, with whom you live and who is ”supposed” to give you the intimacy you need just does not give you that? I never had the balls (excuse my language) to ask this question to anyone in your type of situation, so today I decided to ask…But, like I said, I am just really curious and I do not want to judge you at all.

      My best regards

  30. My heart is breaking I have been with my husband 13years and have always known his had a problem controlling his actions he did realise he had a problem and sought help and medication
    He has done some terrible things but also becoming a father he is fantastic to our boys but is like he now has pure hatred for me He has bad outbursts in front of our kids and I’ve been through so much with him I never backdown anymore
    We aren’t physical and he basically wants to sleep in kids room every night
    He went away this weekend and I was so excited to see him I got a kiss hello then he walked off nothing else to say I tryed to make an effort and go up to him an give him a cuddle and he just brushed me off I tell him all the time I deserve better but he just says well go then he tells me he hates me neally every day over nothing his up down and I feel like I’m wasting my life I want to leave but feel for my children he adores them and I’m just ignored and hated everyone else his so nice to but me the one person that’s stayed been through a lot with he hates hurts so bad

    1. You can’t stay with someone for the sake of children. It’s likely to have more of an impact on them than a divorce would.

      Square up to him and instead of never backing down, calmly challenge him to answer “do you really hate me? If you do then it is you who must leave…” Don’t be bullied into leaving, this might be just what he wants.

      I’ve said I hate my wife many times. Now I explain that I don’t hate her, I just hate things about her. My wife is angry with the world due to breast cancer and its this anger I hate not my wife.

      So start dictating how and why he says he hates you. Tell him what he tells you and see how he reacts to that. Men are arrogant a species. If you stand up too much this might be seen as s challenge.

      Play it the way I told my wife. Understand that hate is but a word, but it hurts. If he truly feels it then you owe it to yourself and children to consider parting, even on a trial basis.

      My gut feeling is he’s possibly mixed up with some emotional turmoil he’s not telling you about and he’s taking his guilt out in you because he can’t cope with whatever it is that is bothering him

      I hope all turns out well. Think of the future not the present.

      Kev x

  31. Dear Lorraine,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your experience. You are strong and brave, and your compassion and gentleness shines through for all to see. I’m sad that you’re writing about your husband hating you – and even more sad that he says those things to you.

    You don’t deserve that.

    I wrote this blog post for you: How to Find Love in an Unhappy Marriage

    May you find comfort and joy in your life, and peace in your home. Good stuff is waiting for you! But it’s up to you to reach out and take it. The happiest lives involve sacrifice…what do you have to sacrifice to be happy again?


  32. My husband and I have only been together for 2 years, we have an eight month old infant. My husband still continues to have his normal routine but decreased maybe 20%. He told me the males life doesn’t change after the baby just the females. I still work part time and am still responsible for half of the bills and on top of that do 85% of home and family care. He is a great father to our son. However, he has told me numerous times that he hates me, he wished he didn’t marry me, That he is with me just because of the baby, that if he wasn’t married to me he wouldn’t even be my friend. When I tell him that it hurts me more than anything with his words, he storms out or screams at me calling me a F@$%ing liar that he never said it. I have put so much time in trying to recover our marriage reading up and understanding both points of view, sending him material that pertains to both of us. Questionaries to enhance our understanding (encouraging him to participate). But there hasn’t been any change other than him buying me flowers and cleaning, which isn’t whats needed. Behavioral changes and respecting me is whats needed. My husband has a very bad temper where he puts a fist up to me in action of striking but not. He took my phone and bent it and then aggressively slammed it on my leg which crushed me internally and left a big bruise then started punching the dashboard of our vehicle over 10 times and breaking it. When we finally had our 1st night alone together I was so excited that be can talk, he told me we were going to have a special night dinner and a movie, then right before said his friends invited us out and we are going with them. Every time we have family plans(the 3 of us) if he gets a call or text from a friend it trumps it and if I beg and tell him it was our day together he is rude and pouting the whole time. If he cant exercise daily and in the summer twice daily he has tantrum and is extremely rude to me till he can go. I always encourage my husband to speak to me in a nice tone like he does to everyone else but he wont, he either sounds irritated or bored. After I had the baby I denied it to the doctor about being depressed and when I felt at my lowest I thought I could talk to my husband about it and he response was “oh woe is me, the victim”. I feel broken, I am really lost and don’t want to get family and friends involved. I don’t know what to do, I am so mentally exhausted with trying, but I feel bad for our son.

    1. I know its been years too late but I pray you got out of there! Men like that, punching your dash of the car- never takes very long until its YOUR FACE. I’ve been there. Leave. Now.

  33. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Amber,

    I’m sorry for what you’re going through – it sounds like you’ve been through alot, and your husband isn’t supportive at all. In fact, he’s abusive on so many levels. He’s an alcoholic, and he has gone far beyond saying he hates you. He is mean and violent.

    May you find strength and courage to reach out for help. I know there are womens’ shelters who offer support to women who have nothing; my prayer is that you find the hope and faith you need to start looking for the resources that exist in your area. May you be filled with courage, self-love, and faith. May you trust that God loves you and is looking out for you — and may you realize that you don’t have to stay with a man who treats you with such hatred and venom.

    I pray that you find hope and courage. You’ve already displayed strength by sharing your story here; I pray that God gives you the strength you need to keep reaching out for help and assistance. There are people who would love to help you, people who themselves have been helped out of violent and abusive marriages. They want to help you be happy and healthy. May you want the same thing for yourself.

    Blessings and prayers,

  34. I’m 28& recently got hit by a truck on my bicycle. That put me out of work. My husband is a heavy drinker and a very mean drunk. He’s always right and I’m always wrong. Even when it’s proven I’m right I’m a b& every other name in the book.the accident made me depressed and he yells at me for not cooking and cleaning even though I can’t walk without a cane now& can’t use my right hand or arm. Before I was always very active and worked constantly since I was 13. He tells me he hates me everyday,that I’m lucky he hasn’t killed me. I get no support at all. Everyday he verbally abuses me.tonight he hit me in the face,kicked me down the stairs,pulled out some of my hair. Of course threatened to kill me. All over nothing!he tells everyone he doesn’t hit or abuse women and when I tell him he does he says”say that again& I’ll show you getting hit when I break your jaw”. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I’m stuck not able to work. I have no one,no where to go,no money,no friends,& no one to talk to.I’m so broken
    I mean I’m 28& my life feels like it’s over. I shouldn’t have survived the accident& now I’m starting to wish I hadn’t. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel right? How the hell do I get there?

  35. My husband doesn’t tell me he hates me, but I have told him this on 3 different times in 9 years out of frustration. He calls me names like, B****. C***, W****, M*****F*****, C**** S***** and Worthless Piece of S***. Whenever I don’t want to have sex, he tells me, “I guess I’ll just have to go elsewhere”. He is bipolar and will not take medicine. I try to be understanding and ignore some of the things he says to me and his Explosive Behavior, but my understanding is wearing thin. In my mind, I know I should leave but somehow, I just can’t get the strength to do it. I live on a very modest income from SS and don’t know how I would survive. Although since we have been married all he pays is rent and I must pay double what he pays to pay the other bills. I have to be inventive to come up with ways to earn enough money in addition to SS just to pay the bills. I have called Domestic Abuse Hotline but have not followed thru yet. I talk to my fiends for support, and they all encourage me to leave. Then when I get the nerve to call it quits, he comes around and tells me how much he loves me and the other side of bipolar comes out. I still have love for him and want us to work out but the stress of ups and downs is killing me.

  36. My husband and I have been married for nearly 25 years. He hates me. He doesn’t say these precise words, but he doesn’t talk to me for weeks and is pretty much always mad at me for something. Last time he shunned me for three weeks and them made a couple of very weird comments that led to the discussion that I was “disgraceful” (word he used four times that day) because I had been too friendly to my brother in law! My sister’s husband! I see him 4 times a year at the most, and I feel sorry for him because my sister is very difficult. My husband is aloof and I do find myself feeling as if I need to be more friendly to the brother in law to counteract my husband’s aloofness. But really – after 25 years – I am “disgraceful” for that? The brother in law came over for a dinner before our son left for college – with my mother and husband. It’s just weird.

    We are both attorneys and when our son left for college, I lost all interest in cooking and the various homemaker stuff. He is rarely home before 8 or 9 at night, so what’s the point. He is 10 years older and although we are both employed, he makes more money than I do- and I think figures I should, therefore, do more around the house. I do more – but not enough to satisfy him, I am sure. He was an uninvolved parent – our son telling him on numerous occasions “I want to know you,” though those pleas stopped in middle school. I don’t want everything to be defined by work. We are a sad couple, I’m afraid. I think liking each other is out of the question anymore. I don’t exactly know what to do, but I do despise drama and will likely just keep on keeping on…

  37. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you for being here. It takes alot of strength and courage to share your experience, and to say that your husband (or your wife, but this article is written for women) says he hates you. It’s painful to be hated by anyone, much less the man you married.

    May you find love and peace in your life. May your marriage be restored, your heart be comforted, and your home be healed. I pray that you find faith in God, and strength to turn to Him at the very worst of times. I pray your faith carries you through to the best of times, and that you never let Him go. For He will never let you go. He loves you, and wants you to have a life of joy, peace, and freedom! May you tap into His river of life and energy, and may you move forward with a new sense of hope and courage. He will help you through this, whether it’s out of your marriage or out of the pit of despair you and your husband are in.

  38. Why is it assumed that because a husband says he hates his wife that he’s controlling and abusive? What if he’s hurt? What if she’s the controlling and abusive one and he’s crying out to her that his feelings are being destroyed. What if he’s tried and tried to be the man she wants him to be and it’s not good enough. At some point the man reaches the breaking point where he’s done being verbally and mentally abused, and this is when he expresses his distaste.

    I found this post because I am married to a woman who battles me over everything. I can’t make a single decision because my process is more intuitive and relies on my experiences rather than hers…and she can’t quantify those reasons. I tell her what I need from her to feel loved and she spits back at me what I’m not doing right. But since I’m the one wanting to say, “I hate you.” (I haven’t yet) I’m the abusive one?

    Yes there are some men out there who use this phrase as a means of control, for getting the woman to change who she is..but that isn’t always the case. Please open your minds before assumptions are made. Sometimes these words are used because he’s lost and frustrated.

    1. There are always 3 sides to every story. My husband says he hates me. I love him with all my heart but I feel totally hurt. Sometimes a controlling spouse cant see theirselves as being controlling when in fact they are. Telling someone to stay in their low self esteem state instead of trying to make themselves better or feel better about themselves is very unhealthy. In this circumstance the man feels powerful if the women feels as though he is the only one who can make her feel better about herself. He has total control. But if the womens self esteem starts to go up the man does not feel in control anymore and starts to feel insecure about his self and less powerful. Then problems with jealousy comes in then name calling and accusations. Then before you know it the husband hates the wife because he is no longer in control. This is where I am at and I don’t want to go back to that dark place of having low self esteem that took me 30 years to overcome. My husband also says I don’t measure up to being his wife, he says I don’t satisfy him as a wife.
      I try to do everything possible to make him happy but it feels hopeless and never good enough. I am tired of trying now after 8 exhausting years of trying to be “the perfect wife”. And now that he told me he hates me I just don’t know if I want to try anymore. I feel he broke the most important wedding vowel which was to promise to Love!

  39. Im so lost and confused my husband is so mean and hateful to me and our children he tells us every day all day he hates us he has argued with my family so. Much i cant even see them i think today is my breaking point i try so hard to let it all go the mean things he say all the hurt and pain been married 8 year but when i kick him out i always cave and let him back in my kids love him so much even though he so mean i just dont know what to do

    1. If your husband is controlling and causing you such distress that you have to seek solace in forums then tell him so. If he fails to recognise your cry for help then perhaps you need to leave him. Serve his right. Men are victims of this kind of thing as well but most don’t have the courage to admit it because it makes them feel weak. The moral to that comment is you are not alone and there will always be someone who cares. I hope all goes well for you.

  40. Im so lost and confused my husband is so mean and hateful to me and our children he tells us every day all day he hates us he has argued with my family so i cant even see them i think today is my breaking point i try so hard to let it all the mean things he say all the hurt and pain been married 8 year but when i kick him i always cave and let him back in my kids love him so much even though he so mean i just dont know what to do

  41. Haven’t you ever thought men have feelings and we might be the abused? I have said several times I hate my wife but most certainly don’t.

    Husbands say they hate their wives out of anger, frustration, helplessness, and often in desperation because they tried every way to tell your wife that something’s wrong.

    I adore my wife, I don’t hate her as a person, a woman. What do I hate? The inability to understand that husbands can and do feel pain. Emotional pain not physical. Your writing is completely genesis tic and wrong. Stop, think and more importantly remember that every relationship is an individual entity with differing variables. My variable for example is no matter how many times I tell my wife I love her and will never leave her she refuses to believe it. My word hate is born out of this, nothing else.

    1. You are only confirming what she believes to be true by saying you hate her. My husband just told me he hated me and turned around and went to sleep. He has to be up early to leave for a work weekend function. Im still awake in tears knowing that my husband hates me and will be gone for 3 days. Im trying to make sense of things but i cant. Choose your words wisely if you truly love your wife. The wrong words cut deep and are usually never forgotten.

      1. This is so well said and so logical. My husband tells me he hates me and wants out of the marriage all the time…over petty little things. And now I feel unloved of course and tell him I would love to be loved. He then gets frustrated and tells me that I will never believe that he loves me so why try? Circular logic to me. We women are so resilient. We put up with so much anger and rage in our homes. Many of us escape it to find solace and sanctuary. Others just keep putting up with it. My advice to every woman is to get an education and a great career. Never quit your job and only have children if and when you feel confident that you can one day be a single mom and provide them what they need. Be strong. Know you can make it alone. It’s rare to find a man who has the empathy and understanding that a woman has.

      1. Saying I hate my wife is infrequent and a coping mechanism. People like you clearly don’t see the grey areas in life. There is no black and white as your answer suggests.

        1. I understand. And my husband says it to me too over the littlest things. And he yells it. It breaks my heart and is shortening my life. So I identify with your wife. It’s just not helpful if you ever want to repair your marriage. Not a bad beginning step to find an alternative coping mechanism really.

          1. Words won’t shorten your life. Your inability to understand it is just that may though. I adore my wife, she knows the word gate is as meaningless as it really is. If I hated her in truth I would neither want to be with her or deserve to be.

            Take strength in the saying sticks and stones. If your husband really does mean it when he says he hates you then ask him to leave it you will.

            I hope all goes well for you.

        2. Thetruthof the matters like they say there’s 2 sides of the story ….then there’s the truth ..ultimately what I take that to mean in my opinion is that both the individuals in the relationship have their own truth which is based on what they feel ,(experience) from their own pint of veiw.Itoo have experienced a few “unhealthy”relationships in the past.and I am currently after 17+years let’s just put it as though I’m on a “day by day”journey to find out what is best for me ..anyway I just wanted to as they say “put my 2cents”in ..for whatever that may be worth..neways I have always had a sort of “devil’s advocate “approach. On pretty much everything in my life.basically means. I can always (pretty much )always see “both sides of the story”which in some ways is a good thing..but for the most it’s been a really “not so good thing “because unfortunately it makes it EXTREMELY hard to ever come up with a “100percent. Opinion on ANYTHING!!I Pretty much with anything I’ve ever went through or dealt with in life have always had to deal woth have seems to have basically what the biggest percentage of this or that..I guess what I’m trying to say is that the number one thing. I’ve learned over the years is that we all feed off of each other.and it kinda comes down to what is each of our core beliefs,what tower stand for ,what is ultimately the most important thing for us? Is it “our personal idea of what “security”is that we may or may not get and benefit from our relationship that were in.if so I BeleivE that determines (excuse my language) “the “BS “that we put up with and go through how important is it to a person to have someone in their lives to live with 34/7n share the everyday everydayness in life with? that they will acually give and trade away true happiness and joy that could fill their lives (and what have they been through(and their individual experiences in life)told them they can accomplish or mabye not accomplish ..I think that’s why it’s so important as parents if u have a young child to raise them with a “healthy dose of self esteem “not to sugercoat everything so your children always expect things to always go their way &(excuse my language again “their crap don’t stink” I guess there a fine line ..anyways besides all that where I BeleivE where the relationships we have when we’re all older stemming from..what to do where to start from the “here and now the “situation I’m in now where to go after u have anyalized everything “upside down and turned around every single scenario that one can imagine basically. I think we ALL need self love the husband’s the wives ..I truly BeleivE that alot (mabye not all )but alot of the husband’s in these stories probly themselves lack from a feeling of love and feeling confident. And I truly BeleivE the biggest. Problem is MISUNDERSTANDING AND. MISCOMMUNICATION !!that is the biggest problem and then one of the spouses acting on how the other made them feel(which in reality is often the lack of understanding on that individuals part and they feel hurt so most often what does one do when feeling hurt ?most often retaliation because

    2. Well I really don’t think being angry and emotional is a good reason to tell your wife (or husband for that matter) that you hate him/her…Especially if this is not true…I understand that people can get angry at each other and feel like saying that is their last resort and the ultimate way to make their significant other understand how angry, frustrated, helpless and desperate they feel in a certain situation but this is a horrible thing to say to someone you love…I won’t lie and say I never said it to my boyfriend, but I regreted it so much and never said it to him again because I know how terrible it would make me feel if he said it to me, even just out of anger…

      Laura, I am very sorry to hear about your situation, but if he is so mean to you AND your children, why kick him out to let him in again? Even if the children love their dad, I don’t think it is good for children to grow up in an environment in which parents have this type of relationship. Also, have you tried really seriously talking to him about it? Or have you tried to see a guidance councellor with him? Because if you want to stay with him some drastic change will have to be made because you will never be happy and it will not necessarily be good for the kids….Of course I don’t know if he really hates you or not…but if he doesn’t, he should not say it and if he does, well you would be better off without him…

      My best regards

  42. I am so tired. Things were so good, for 5weeks….he was laid off. I was happier when he was laid off, than I have been in 19 yrs. He was like a different man. He called me “sweetheart”, only time in 19 yrs. He said he was sorry for being so cold and indifferent to me for so long. He said things would be ok, he would get another job. I knew God would take care of us; but I was in heaven for 5 weeks! He held my hand. We prayed together. Then, he got another job, and things went right back to where they were. Nothing I do is right. Nothing I say is right. He belittles me , and embarrases me , in front of our kids, and others. He takes up for people, but never for me. Nothing I do in the house is right. He constantly criticizes me. I am too old for this. He works offshore, and I worked full-time while the kids were in school. I havent worked fulltime in about 7-8 yrs. the kids are grown. I can not physically take it anymore. No matter what I say, he turns it around, and tries to make me think that I am crazy. Oh God, please help me. My health is not good. I am on disability. Why should I leave the house? It is mine, as much as his. I asked him to please never say “divorce” again. He brings it up every so often, but wont do anything about it. I guess my next step is to talk to a lawyer. I just dont understand how someone can go from being so sweet, and understanding, to like he is, now. Back to the way we were, when he lost his job….I am too old for this. This is my 3rd. marriage. What should I do?

  43. Where to begin? I will start with myself… Many years ago, I committed adultery on my husband. I desperately wanted relief from his hateful ways, and went on a conquest to seek a different life, a different man. My husband was deployed overseas at that time, and had no idea about my “secret relationship” with another man. He called me daily cursing, yelling, being disrespectful, saying he hates me, and emotional annoyed that I would hang up the phone on him or not take his calls at all. This has been constancy in our marriage since before we ever decided to tie the not. I did not want this life anymore… Being called stupid, ugly, the “b” word everyday, even up until this day. (not exaggerating) It was so disgraceful.

    Then one day, out of the blue, I got a third party invite to a Christian Church. With much thought, I began to ponder whether I shld go or not… I went. My first time at this small church was the first time I felt God dealing with me in a long time. I had been to many churches over the years, and even called myself a Christian, but was far from it living a life of corruption and ungodliness, and would pray to God. When the time came after opening the ceremony with song and dance, the preacher began to preach, to my amazement and shame he preached directly against the sin I was living in, and then I got scared. I knew it was time to make the decision to go to that altar and pray, to repent of all of the wickedness I was living. I did not go to the altar on my own. There was a Christian there who never knew me, but detected my hurting and anguish, she told me she felt like “God led her to me, and that it appeared as if I had something heavy on my heart that I needed to relinquish to God”. I knew that she was a real Christian. I knew I couldn’t lie to her, though I was tempted to. Right there is where God arrested my heart, and encumbered with much conviction I relieved my soul, I prayed for salvation (true deliverance) and God saved me!!!! After a work of salvation, I began to change… Rapidly! What do u think the first thing was that had to go? That’s right! I kicked my secret lover to the curb…

    The best advice I can give when your husband says he hates you is…. DON’T GIVE UP! It’s not in our time… It’s God’s time! Some godly advice from the Bible: “And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband:else were your children unclean; but now they are holy. But if the unbelieving depart. Let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: But God hath called us to peace.” 1Corinthians 7:13-15

    I don’t know whether or not my husband will get saved, but I am going to keep fighting, praying, repenting, and above all loving… Loving who? God first, and my neighbor (husband) as I love myself. God’s will be done! I hope that by my testimony you will find strength, courage, and love to go forward in allowing God to heal your marriage. Remember, you are not alone in your conquest to find peace and restoration. God knows everything that you are going through. Find a good church that preaches good doctrine from the Word of God. Don’t be afraid to walk on the water…. The challenge to long-suffer, love despite how we feel, and the strength to continue in hope- not everyone will want to do… But, I am confident that great is the reward to them who try! God bless you all!

    “God is faithful to remember our work and labor of love”

    With love,

  44. Is a stunning home, four children who love thier father enough to stay and suffer hate? I love my house that I partly built and designed myself more than my peace of mind. Is it enough, my weekend and holidays are hellish but most of the time during the actual working week he is away to work. I don’t see him in the morning and little in the evening. So its just when he is off and weekends he is abusive. The root of the problem is his background, his dad is an alcoholic and he is an ex drinker who blames me for not drinking, I am sure he does drink after work and socialise. his mother has been disrespectful to me and is the root of a bigger problem with him. He is very attached and arrested in his love to her. Its a concious decision that he does and would not love me because she would not allow it. I have stopped trying to get him to love me and stopped checking up on him, as he has always had other interests with other women. I don’t think any less of myself, I know who I am, and I had a high flying job in the past – in a nut shell I have worked so hard for what I have, even my inheritance is in my house asset, for me if I leave this house I’d have to give him half of it, but I can not physically leave this place its my home, my beautiful home for my children. I have prayed and will continue to do so. I have told the priest and cried to him, so I pray there are people praying for me, there are people who don’t know me but feel my pain. I pray for strength because I know my husband wish is that I die so he can have everything that I have and give it to another woman. A drinker like him. But what really worries me is my children, he tries to set them against me and I keep bringing them back. I worry for them, because he wants them to leave home as soon as and does not worry or save for their education like I do, so does my mum. God remove the evil and hate from his heart, lord, remove and release him and me from what ever is pulling him back to hate, constantly, father have mercy on me and my children and my family and deliver me. Mother Mary save me like you saved me in the past, please mother Mary don’t leave me, stay with me in my dark hour, mother Mary please, look out for me and my children. Remember me. amen

    1. Dee. There is a strong chance that you will outlive your husband. Just keep doing what you are doing and focus and invest in your own well being. The children will sense your emotional wellness and that will give them security regardless of what your husband is saying. His hate is all about him, not you. My husband and I went to counselling and the psychologist recognized right away the anger in my husband. She sensed my need and anxiety to help him. She told me I didn’t need to return and that he needed one on one with his anger. So that is what he is doing. There is a little change but I know it will take years. But she gave me permission to continue to be who I am. I know I’m on the right path. It’s the same with you. So do this. Don’t die. Keep living. Live well and free. Keep your beautiful home. It’s yours. Don’t give up on it or your kids. Your best days are ahead of you. Continue to take care of yourself. Let your husband be. He has signed his own contract for a sad and angry life and it has nothing to do with you. Live each moment. Don’t worry about the past or the future, only this moment.

  45. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    My prayer is that you find hope, healing, and love in your marriage. Sometimes God does work a miracle, and cause major changes to happen between a husband and wife overnight. He can stop your husband from hating you, and you from feeling like you hate your husband.

    I pray for wisdom. Sometimes we need to make changes in our lives, because God doesn’t wave His magic wand and make life the way we want. If your husband says he hates you, you need to discern what to do. Do you leave your marriage, or hope your marriage will change? Only you can decide that, and only God knows if you and your husband can reconnect and love each other again.

    I pray for healing, and for peace in your marriage. I pray for the erasure of all feelings of discontent and hatred between husbands and wives – who are supposed to be on each other’s team. I pray for love and connection to permeate your home. Amen.


  46. I myself have been abused for the last 15 years my husband who is ten years older than me has put me through hell he is now on drugs and things are worst when he was sober he was a good dad and husband he tells me he hates me he belittle me makes me feel like everything I do is wrong I’ve been paying all the bills by myself for the last two years I’ve always worked I keep thinking he will change he says he hates me all the time I ask God why what did I do to deserve this I pray for him stop using drugs it breaks my heart I just want a normal life

  47. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your experience with hatred and husbands. The idea of bullying in marriage is new to me, and I think it’s another way of expressing the idea of “my husband hates me.”

    Bullies push people around because they’re insecure and weak, don’t they? One way to think about husbands and wives hating each other is to consider the role of insecurities, unhappiness, low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence. There is a problem that fuels the mistreatment and abuse of a husband or wife in marriage. This doesn’t excuse the behavior – it is never ok for a husband to say he hates his wife! It just helps explain it, which might help us understand the marriage better.

    My prayer for all couples experiencing hatred in marriage is for peace. May you find love, joy, and serenity in your relationship. May the feelings of hating and being hated pass. May husbands and wives connect on a spiritual and emotional level, and learn how to cope with negative feelings in healthy ways. I pray for God’s love, strength, and spirit to rest on the marriages of all the readers here. Amen.


  48. As far as my 13 years marriage, with 3 kids. My husband is a very hot temper man, he hate this world and been called all kind of names. But I always forgive him though years and years. But this year, this time all this hatred he had for me seems to get so real and obvious. He got involved in a relationship with an 18 year old girl. They’ve even done it on the new year day this year. I never thought he’d cheat on me, all the while i was looking up on him thinking he’s a man but it prove him wrong this time. Soon after i found out about him and that girl, they stop seeing each other. I got hurt really bad inside. But they kept on texting each other. He told me he had nothing with her no more. I can not believe in any of them anymore. Then it seems they’ve split for good (for now, been happening couple of times already but that girl keeps coming back). Then yesterday, i did a small little mistake. We both running a cafe. He’s the type that just serve the way he likes (lack of experience and never work in a professional environment) as for me i still have that sense of hospitality in me (been working long in this industry, 5* hotels etc before i got married to him). So i did a small little thing that trigger his anger! He suddenly smashed, yelled on me with lots of hatred poured on me, saying he hated the way i served the customers and he hate working with me. He even warned me not to work with him anymore. I ask, why do you have to shout? You can just tell me not too and i will follow what you say. He even get more annoyed at me when i answered him. Thats when i realised, he does hate me and that simple little thing that i did makes me sad. I am never so sad so sad as last night. I thought we can rekindled the relationship and make it better but it seems he hated me so much that he couldn’t talk to me any nicer anymore. I feel like leaving him and take all my kids away from him. I just felt so down lately since new year. I sometime wonder why God has given me this life. I am getting older and weaker. I sometime surrender my pride just to live. I am afraid to live on my own and loneliness scares me. Sometime i thought, i am lonely all this while. Never had my birthday celebrated, nor mothers day nor any candle light dinner. I realise, all his words are just lies. Just to comfort me and carry on bullying me as he knows that i am kind. I am really tired.

  49. My husband and I met after he had back surgery. He was so sweet and loving. We took it slow and then he couldn’t find a job or keep one with his back problems so he moved in. I supported him as best I could which means we were poor for 3 years until he got his disability. Then we got married. 2 weeks after our marriage he got angry and has been angry ever since. He never touches me or tells me I am pretty. Tonight his tooth hurt and he said it was my fault for not having a job that he is in pain even though when we’ve had money he wouldn’t go back to the dentist and said we didn’t have enough money. He always says we never have enough and screams at me and tells me he hates me now. Then he tells me I don’t get to talk cause its all my fault for not having a job yet. I was so scared tonight. I left an abusive marriage after 16 years and the only difference with this one is he hasn’t hit me. I guess I know I need to leave and then he says he’s having some crisis and in I am again. I have no where to go or I would have left tonight. I got in the car and drove around the corner out of sight and sat there for about a half an hour because I was afraid. Even though he hasn’t hit me I was very afraid. I feel like a zombie tonight. Been crying and I can see this is getting us nowhere except my PTSD is probably acting up and getting worse. It’s not worth this. I feel like a fool being married the 2nd time and this time only 6 months now. It was 2 weeks of heaven and now 6 months of being yelled at and told its my fault for not having work. I am partially disabled too and he doesn’t care how hard it is for me to keep a routine or schedule. Like tonight I’ll probably never be able to go to sleep. I don’t want to go to bed and lie next to him for fear he will wake up and scream at me for waking him up. Why is he like this? Why so nice for 2 weeks and now so mean for 6 months? I feel like he loves money more than me. Yet he won’t spend any on himself except for cigarettes then blames me for not spending any on himself. I feel like he thinks I am the s**t on the bottom of his shoe.

    1. “Hate” is an awfully ugly word. And truly… any person that uses it is to be pitied. Why would a person want to fill their heart with hate anyway? They are hurting themselves more than anyone else — even though I’m sure your heart aches every time he expresses his hatred for “you”. Your husband is in a very bad place — and it’s definitely not you that put him there. He has allowed himself to become consumed with negativity in his life… possibly even began with his back surgery because he can no longer function as he once could. But, his frustrations should not become your frustrations. It is time for you to take your life back. There is a way. There is always a way. It just may not be as easy as it sounds… but, you can do it. Start making plans to get yourself financially in a place where you can breath again. Find a job! Any job right now. Some money is better than no money. Start a savings account in your name only. Take back your life and empower yourself with telling yourself you “deserve better”! No person ever deserves to be treated with such disrespect and told they are hated. If he is not willing to get help in changing his controlling behaviors, then it is time for you to start packing…. and tell yourself “YOU can do this!”

  50. Dear Anoumous,

    I wish you all the best as you look for a job, so you can be free! It’s awful, to live with a husband who says he hates you. May you find a good job quickly, and find freedom from the oppressive chains of your marriage.


  51. I’ve been with my husband for 34 years and had been telling me he hates me and wants me out same as above. Called all kind of names. I do hate him now. It’s hard to get out but I told him when I get a job I will be out. Then I will contact a lawyer and take have of all. I deserve it for the way he treats me. At first I said take it all but why should I let him have all. Let him pay for the way he treats me