You have a great marriage, but your husband isn’t interested in having sex with you. This happens more often than you think – to even the happiest married couples.
Here’s what one reader says:
“We are not intimate at all. There is zero passion. We talk about it, he always listens and says we need to fix it and he’ll do his part…but there is no action to match his words. I told him I need to be fulfilled as a woman and as a partner for me to stay in the marriage. It doesn’t seem to bother him at all. We could have a great marriage except for this one part – the intimacy that will bond us in a deeper way. I have no idea where else to turn. We have gone to counselors together, I have gone alone. At this point, I realize he will never be interested in changing our intimate life, and it is up to me to accept this marriage as it is or to leave. Where can I turn to help me decide what to do?”
The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido – A Couple’s Guide is a very popular book that is worth reading. That’s one place to turn when your husband doesn’t want to have sex and you don’t know what to do.
When Your Husband Isn’t Interested in Having Sex
I don’t know if you have to accept your marriage the way it is, or if your husband and you can find ways to meet in the middle. Some marriages change for the better, while others stagnate for years.
It’s possible that your husband doesn’t realize how important sex is to your marriage, even though you’ve talked about it. He may be listening to you, and loving you the best way he knows how. By the way, this reader also said they’ve been married for six years; she’s 53 and he’s 58. It’s their first marriage, and she didn’t mention kids.
Some men just have very low libidos
In How Do We Fix a Sexless Marriage?, a reader said her husband showed very little interest in her sexually and didn’t care that she cheated on him. Another reader said her husband hasn’t wanted sex in 40 years, since the first time they slept together. Sex disgusted him.
Some men and women could go years – lifetimes, even – without having sex. They couldn’t care less about physical touch and intimacy. It’s possible that your husband just has a very low libido, and it doesn’t match your higher libido.
He may be embarrassed to tell you what he likes
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This reader said a little more about her husband (by the way, her comments were on my article about leaving your husband):
“He’s not gay or anything – he’s definitely a workaholic (his excuse is always about being busy). I make very little money, so he says he has to work a lot to make up for this. But he is also my best friend – and I don’t want to hurt him, or leave him partnerless as he approaches his 60s.”
Is it possible that your husband likes sex a certain way, and he doesn’t want to share his desire with you? He’s embarrassed or even ashamed. This happens more often than you think, and it’s one of the reasons men visit prostitutes. But don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying your husband doesn’t want sex with you because he’s buying it elsewhere!
Remember that lack of desire is the symptom, not the root of the problem
This reader nailed it when she said, “It truly is not about sex (although I crave it), but the fact that he doesn’t seem to care about something so important to me. I don’t want to have an affair, I want to be close to my husband.”
When your husband doesn’t want to have sex, you may feel a variety of emotions. Your self-image may also be affected – and of course your marriage isn’t the same if you’re not having sex with your husband.
If sex isn’t the root of the problem, what is? I don’t know – it depends on the marriage, the man, and the wife. Perhaps there’s an emotional disconnection, communication problems, stress, low libido, physical health issues, mental health issues.
The bottom line is whether or not you’re willing to live with a man who isn’t interested in having sex with you. Some women are perfectly happy without sex, while others need that physical connection. Only you can make this decision.
Talk to a sex therapist and/or your family physician
There’s a difference between a sex therapist and a marriage counselor. The former specializes in sexual intimacy, problems in the bedroom, and possible physical health issues that could be decreasing your husband’s libido.
It may not be an emotional health issue that is causing your husband not to want sex – it may be a physical health problem that is lowering his sex drive. That’s why I suggest talking to your family doctor, and perhaps getting a physical checkup. Your doctor may also be able to refer you to a reputable sex therapist.
There are no easy answers when your husband doesn’t want sex, because it’s connected to his personality, stress level, physiological makeup, health, and lifestyle. Those factors affect his libido – and your marriage.
Check out these tips for improving female libido – they work for men, too: 9 Natural Ways to ReVIVE a Woman’s Sex DRIVE!
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If you need relationship help, get Mort Fertel's 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage - and FREE advice, no strings attached.