You know it doesn’t help to worry about your relationship problems, yet you can’t stop, right? Wrong! You CAN learn how to stop worrying. Here’s how.
This article is the is the fourth post in my “save your relationship” series. I’m writing about worrying and anxiety because it directly related to decision making and solving problems with a boyfriend or husband..
Worrying takes an ugly toll on your emotional, spiritual, physical, and cognitive health. It wreaks havoc on your relationships and changes how you interact with people. Learning how to stop worrying is a powerful way to move forward and flourish in both your life and your relationship! And it’s easier than you think.
How to Stop Worrying About Your Relationship Problems
When you cling to your problems and your anxieties, you prevent yourself from experiencing true joy and peace in your life.
Learn how powerful you are
Do you feel helpless and hopeless when you think about your relationship problems? If so, you’re not alone. I received an email from a reader today who says she has no idea what to do about her marriage. She is lost, confused, and completely powerless to do anything but worry about her husband.
She doesn’t realize it, but her biggest problem is that she doesn’t see how much power she has. Her biggest obstacle is her own mind because it’s telling her that she’ll never have the strength or courage it takes to actually deal with her relationship problems. She refuses to see that she can learn how to stop worrying. She can’t accept that she is FULL of power, courage, brains, and strength! Maybe because nobody told her how strong she is, how capable, and how smart.
Learn how to give yourself what you need
If you have nobody to support or encourage you, then you need to learn how to support and encourage yourself. You are a grown up woman, and sometimes grown ups need to give themselves what they need. That’s the beauty of being an adult! We get to choose what we want in our life, and we get to implement it whenever we want.
Part of giving yourself what you need is finding the right people to support you. Do you need to talk to a counselor, a lawyer, a friend, or a family member? If you’ve been talking to anyone who will listen and you’re still spinning your wheels, then you may need to give yourself a kick in the behind.
How powerful do you feel in your relationship? If you’re weak and helpless, it’s time to take back your power. You need to learn how to stop worrying about your problems, and start dealing with them.
Learn what your relationship problems are
Some problems are real, such as a husband who keeps bringing home flowers and chocolate every night. What a pain, sure glad I’m not married to that guy! Other relationship problems sometimes (but not always) exist only in our minds, such as jealousy, insecurity, and suspicion.
Are you worried about your relationship in general, or about something specific? Read 10 Causes of Relationship Problems to help you narrow your focus.
If you get a grip on what your relationship problems actually are – and what is causing those problems – then you’re one step closer to actually dealing with them. And when you’re dealing with your problems, you don’t have to worry about them.
Learn what worrying distracts you from
When you worry, you’re keeping yourself busy. You’re going nowhere and you’re not dealing with your problems in effective, productive ways.
Here’s one of my favorite passages from The Art of Midlife:
“Take the woman who remains locked into a painful marriage,” writes Linda Edelstein. “This very real situation can become the focus of a manic defense. The woman pours all her energy into complaints, worries, attempts to fix, and rumination about her marriage. The busyness gets her nowhere, but it keeps her feeling very occupied – except that it is rarely with herself that she is occupied, it is always with him. This situation and way of handling it contributes to a sense of stagnation.”
Worrying prevents you from taking action and dealing with your relationship problems. When you put your energy into anxiously wringing your hands and obsessively fretting about your husband’s past and present behavior, you are giving yourself a meaningless, soul-sucking, spirit-draining life.
How to stop worrying about your relationship problems
Your brain is full of grooves. The more you think about something (the more you worry about your problems), the deeper that groove gets.
Instead of driving that groove so deep it touches your feet, train your brain to focus on something else. This is a very simple tip for how to stop worrying – but it’s not easy. It requires you to realize how powerful you are and how much control you have over your thought processes.
When you start worrying, replace your obsessive thoughts with something that is healthy, edifying, and nourishing. For example, you might focus on a quote that uplifts and energizes you, or a portion of Scripture that feeds your soul. You might think of an image that makes you feel powerful – or even that helps you visualize and achieve your goals.
Focus on finding peace and freedom (instead of worrying and fretting)
In True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart, Tara Brach offers a practical guide to finding your inner voice and your true refuge in the midst of any kind of difficulty. This book isn’t about how to stop worrying – it’s about finding peace and freedom in your life, your own body, your own soul. This book isn’t about relationship problems – it’s about coping with when you’re facing a life-threatening illness, family conflict, faltering relationships, old trauma, obsessive thinking, overwhelming emotion, or inevitable loss.
Questions for you
- Are you occupied with your husband, at the expense of getting yourself healthy?
- If you could occupy yourself with getting your self healthy emotionally and spiritually, where would you start?
- What is one thing you can do today to start learning how to stop worrying about your relationship problems?
I welcome your thoughts on how to stop worrying below, in the comments section. I can’t give advice about your relationship problems because my purpose is to help you listen to that still, small voice that is in YOU.
You know what you need. What is stopping you from going after it?
Learning how to stop worrying is a process that takes time and practice. Living in peace and freedom is even better, because it will lift your mood and spirits for long-term joy and happiness! Tara’s path is Buddhist; mine is Christian. I love Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him, and I have nothing to worry about.
On Blossom this week
Decision-making and relationship problems was the focus this week. Here’s the lineup:
Here’s the lineup:
- Mon – How to Make a Decision That Will Change Your Life (Imagine)
- Tues – 7 Tips for Letting Go of Toxic Relationships (Dare)
- Weds – 5 Ways to Find Yourself After Getting Lost in Love (Prepare)
- Thurs – How to Stop Worrying About Relationship Problems (Leap and Flourish!)
“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.” ~ Mark Twain.
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