Whether you feel insecurity because of your partner or your own self-esteem issues, these tips on how to stop feeling insecure in a relationship will help.
In You Are Loved: Embracing the Everlasting Love God has for You, Sally Clarkson and Angela Perritt say that when a woman feels deeply loved and cherished, her whole outlook on life is infused with energy every day. We’re all born with a desire to be loved…and loved completely for who we are. Unfortunately, many of us seek this complete, everlasting acceptance and personal validation in all the wrong places or with the wrong men.
What I love about this book is that it teaches us that validation, acceptance, and relationship security can’t come from our partners, relationships, or external circumstances (eg, how big our last paycheck was). Security can only come from a higher source of validation, love, and freedom.
When did you start feeling insecure in your relationship? If you can identify where and why your insecurities began, you might be quicker to learn how to stop feeling insecure in a relationship.
When You Feel Insecure in a Relationship
I’m writing about insecurity in relationships because my husband is soon leaving for a two week business trip. He’s a geologist, so he leaves fairly regularly. Every time he goes away, I am plagued by insecurities, doubts, and fears. Mostly I worry that I haven’t loved him enough, and that his helicopter might crash and take him straight to the arms of our everlasting Father. Since I’m not ready to lose my husband, I feel insecure in our relationship.
Why do you feel insecure in your relationship?
The first thing to do is figure out if your insecurity stems from you, or from him. Sometimes we’re insecure because of our own issues, and our partners simply magnify that insecurity. That happened to me in my marriage; I felt more insecure after we got married, not less. It wasn’t my relationship or my husband that made me feel insecure. It was me.
You can say it out loud, or write it down. I encourage writing because it gives our brains time to process our feelings and emotions. Giving yourself time to think and feel will help you to identify why you’re feeling insecure in your relationship.
Learn how to increase your self-love and build better relationships.
Need marriage help? Get FREE relationship advice from Marriage Coach Mort Fertel.
Go beyond the obvious reasons you feel insecure
My less-obvious reason for feeling insecure in a relationship is my lack of confidence in myself as a wife. I don’t feel like I’m a good enough wife. Rather, I wish I could be more physically affectionate, verbally supportive, and emotionally accepting. What about you – what are your internal reasons for feeling insecure in a relationship?
Here’s an example: if your partner cheated on you, then cheating is the obvious reason you feel insecure. But, what are your deeper emotions and feelings of insecurity in relationships? One of the best tips on how to stop feeling insecure in a relationship is to identify the roots of your insecurity.
Find your secure, everlasting source of security
Are you looking for security in your relationship or partner? The problem is that relationship security is fickle. Some days (or hours) we feel totally connected to our partners. We’re secure, happy, and content. Other days (or hours), we’re fighting with our partners about toothpaste or infidelity, and our security vanishes. The way to stop feeling insecure in a relationship is to look outside your partner, beyond what he can give you. My husband can’t make me feel secure in our marriage; I need to find security from an everlasting source.
This is the key tip on how to stop feeling insecure in a relationship! When I feel scared, doubtful, or bad about myself for not loving Bruce enough, I turn to God. He is my source of never-ending security, love, freedom, compassion, and strength. I don’t rely on my husband or relationship for security…I am learning how to rely on God.
Know that you are deeply loved
Men, women, family, friends – they will all let us down because they’re human. They love us and care for us, but that can’t be our source of power, love, or strength. We need to find freedom and security in something Bigger, Stronger, and Mightier than we are.
My prayer for us as we learn how to stop feeling insecure in a relationship is that we learn to turn to the only source of security. God, help us to rely on You for wisdom, courage, strength, and confidence that all our needs are taken care of. Thank You for loving us. Thank you that we don’t need relationships, marriage, partners, jobs, money, family, or anything external to help us feel secure! We only need You, and You are available to boost and energize us anytime we turn to You. With love from your daughters, Amen.
Here’s an interesting thought about men and security: “One of the best things about men is their confidence, their rightness, their ability to go with their gut and produce,” says Rochelle Schieck in Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World. “I rarely overhear men in cafes talking about how differently they could have or should have done something.”
If you’re staying in an unhealthy relationship, you might find 3 Reasons You’re Too Insecure to Leave a Bad Marriage interesting.
What are your thoughts on how to stop feeling insecure in a relationship? You can write them here, but I encourage you to write them in your journal. Developing self-confidence is so important – and it’s a process that takes time and energy. Start right now, by answering my questions about relationship insecurities in your journal.
I can’t offer advice, but you may find it helpful to share how you feel in the comments section below.