How to Recover From Your Husband’s Long Term Affair


The truth is, there are no quick tips for recovering after you find out your husband has been involved in a long-term affair with another woman. It’s a betrayal that isn’t easily fixed, a broken heart not easily healed, a love not quickly repaired.

Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Maybe you’re shocked, or furious. Baffled, scared, confused, betrayed. There are no “right” ways to feel after you discover your husband’s affair – especially if he’s been with her for months or years. Some men have affairs that last decades.

Some wives don’t find out about the affair until after their husband dies, which I write about in How to Forgive Your Husband for Cheating While He Was Alive. But whether or not your husband is alive – or living in your house – my tips below will help you start the recovery process. Most importantly, you’ll learn you’re not alone. Read the comments below, and you’ll meet other wives who discovered their husbands were in long-term affairs with other women. Knowing you’re not alone is comforting. We’re all in this together.



Here’s what one reader said:

“A woman called and told me that my husband of 34 years, was ‘hooking up’ with another woman,” says A. on How to Trust Your Husband After an Affair. “He regularly plays and sings music with a group of people, and I knew this woman was one of the singers, but didn’t think they were anything besides friends.”

Below, she describes how she found out about the affair – which was going on for three years. First, she has to decide if she wants to save her marriage, knowing that long term affairs are more difficult to recover from.

One of the bestselling resources for recovering from long term affairs is After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful.

Long Term Affairs With Married Men – 4 Steps to Recovery

“I went to his computer and found emails that indicate this affair has been going on for more than three years,” says A. “We live in a small town, so I wonder how many people saw them together and know about this affair.”

Her 60 year old husband is retired; the woman he had an affair with is 41, married and doesn’t work. He’d email her to meet right after A. left for work each day.

“He promised to stop seeing her, and swears that he hasn’t been in contact with her since I found out,” says A. “My husband wants to pretend that everything is okay, but I am devastated by this betrayal. He refuses counseling, since we both hold degrees in psychology and ‘know what they will say.’ I think he doesn’t want to face what he has done to us. I thought I would be feeling better by now, but I still cry each day and get nauseated when I leave the house each morning, thinking about all the times he was waiting for me to go to work so he could be with her. I have lost trust in him and don’t believe things he tells me. I worry about silly things now and never did before. How do I get past this?”

Accept the reality that long term affairs are more difficult to get over than a fling

Long term affairs with married men that go on for years contain more than a brief (stupid) moment of indiscretion or an impulsive (immoral) act. Affairs that last years indicate that a relationship is in place. Even though the cheaters don’t want to leave their spouses, they are emotionally and physically connected.



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Long term affairs are deeper, more painful betrayals than short term affairs like one night stands or short flings. Both types of affairs are wrong and horrible betrayals, but a long term affairs mean the married man wasn’t getting what he needed from the marriage. His relationship with the other woman was fulfilling some need.

Read Why Men Cheat on Women to learn what he may have been missing.

Give yourself time to grieve the end of your marriage as you knew it

The grief you’re going through involves the same stages as grieving the death of a spouse. You can’t just shrug off long term affairs with married men, and resume your marriage! You have to mourn the end of one stage of your marriage so you can prepare for the next stage.

My friend’s husband cheated on her with her best friend, and it took her six years to recover. Of course she didn’t trust anything he said – he’d been lying to her for ages. So, don’t fool yourself into thinking you’ll “get over it” anytime soon.

One way to grieve the end of your marriage is to talk to other wives who have survived long term affairs. If you don’t know how to connect with other women whose husbands cheated, write your thoughts in the comments section below. Other women who are coping with long term affairs with married men will read your thoughts, and hopefully respond.

Decide if you want to get past the affair

Do you want to stay married to a man who lied and cheated on you for years? Write down the pros and cons for recovering your marriage, for rebuilding and reconnecting. Be honest with yourself – maybe you’re scared to leave because you haven’t been on your own for years, you don’t know how to pay the household bills, your kids will freak out, your pastor will have a heart attack.

Spend a month weighing the pros and cons of trying to recover from a long-term affair. You don’t have to decide today or tomorrow…just envision your life on your own, and envision your life in a new stage of marriage.

You are free to create the life you want! Maybe that involves marriage; maybe it doesn’t. But you need to give yourself permission to take your life in the direction you want.

You also have to be aware of the signs your partner will cheat on you again.

Go for marriage counseling even if he doesn’t want to

Your husband lost the right to stomp his foot and say “but I don’t wanna to go to marriage counseling” the first time he considered cheating. After long term affairs, married men have absolutely no right to say whether or not marriage counseling is an option.

Your husband does not have the right to decide on marriage counseling. He may not want to face the pain or own up to his actions. He’ll have a difficult time describing why he’s involved in a long term affair. He won’t want to explain himself. But if he is truly remorseful, he’ll go to counseling if he thought it would win you back and repair your marriage. He’d lead the way to marriage counseling if he thought it would help you recover from his long-term affair.

Even if your husband refuses counseling, you should still go on your own. You need tools to survive the betrayal, and to cope with the fact that others knew about the affair long before you did.

For more tips on long term affairs with married men, 8 Secrets About Fixing Unhealthy Relationships.

What do you think about long term affairs with married men? Comments welcome below…I can’t offer advice, but you may find it helpful to share your thoughts.

xo


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294 thoughts on “How to Recover From Your Husband’s Long Term Affair

  • Misty

    I’m glad to have found this site. I’ve needed someone to talk to that’s been through what I’m going through. A month ago I found out about my husband’s 7 year affair. We’ve been together 8 years, married 7, and this affair started 1 month before we got married. In 2016, I discovered some information about it and he admitted to some of it, but swore he broke it off. At that time they supposedly had 2 kids together. When I found everything out a month ago, I found out she is currently pregnant. I contacted her, and even though she knew full well about me, she was waiting for him to leave me. Now that she sees he isn’t, she says she doesn’t want anything to do with him. Now, however, he will have to pay child support, and she wants him to visit the kids (only at her house though, 1 1/2 hours a day, 3 days a week), and if he doesn’t, she will request more than she is right now financially. To top that off, she’s due to give birth any day now to the 3rd one.
    He wants to work on our marriage, because he says he can finally focus only on us without a guilty conscious of cheating on me. I’ve been in counseling for awhile because I was working on myself already because I (thought) I was being paranoid and obsessing over what I had discovered back in 2016, because I hadn’t felt right since then. He says he’ll go to counseling by himself and to couples counseling. He promises after the two of them have an order in place for the support and it’s set at the amount she promised, he will gradually cut off contact with them and just pay the support as ordered. He’s apologized many times, and he’s saying everything I need and want to hear. My issue is that I’m afraid I can’t trust it, because he promised me it was over in 2016 and lied. I mean, he saw how that hurt me, how insecure it made me, how it made me question everything. But he kept it going and still lied to my face and got her pregnant again. I’m bipolar, have generalized anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, OCD, and now PTSD from this, and he’s known about all of this since day one. He’s been my support system (or so I thought). The night after I found out about everything in 2016, I attempted suicide and was almost successful. He knew all of these things, and was by my side through them. I guess that’s why I can’t seem to make sense of it. He would hold me and promise that he would never hurt me like that again. But he was still doing it. So, how can I trust anything?
    This would be so much easier if I just didn’t love him so much.

    • Lisa

      Misty – Yours is the hardest case that I have had to reply to. This is only my opinion, yours is the only one that matters. He sounds awful. He is the father to 3 children, and seems to want to run away now from that situation to you. The affair relationship has become more problems than his actual marriage. (the affair is usually the escape) He did not learn his lesson watching you suffer through his choices – and continued? I have no suggestion on how to trust him again. My husband knows that he has this ONE chance to redeem himself, and if I found out that all of our work together was a sham, lies and had continued his relationship, my choice would be made for me.
      Your husband has a responsibility to his children (first in my mind). With all that you are struggling with, you may not feel like you have choices, but you do. If you chose to stay with him, I would not let him go to her home alone ever – Like it or not – you are their step-mom. You just didn’t know it until now. And if she doesn’t like that, then tough. That your husband is thinking of basically eventually abandoning them is sad to me. Those kids did nothing – and probably already have a relationship with him. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. I know it will not be easy on you, and that is why I suggest that if you stay, you craft it the way that you need it to be. Those two don’t make the rules – you do. I am sorry that I don’t have happier advice, maybe someone else on here has a different perspective. I wish you peace and clarity. You are worthy of respect, love, affection and unconditional devotion. Hugs.

    • Sv

      Misty, I can’t imagine the confusion and pain you must be feeling. You mentioned he has three kids with her… does he have any with you? If not do you want children with a man that is already supporting 3? Can the two of you afford the child support as well as supporting your own family? Would you want to love and build a life with a man capable of emotionally abandoning his children? If he can do it to his children with her, he could do it to any he has with you now or may have in the future. Those are all things you must consider. Also, keep in mind that it doesn’t matter what she says she will “agree” to as far as support goes. If it isn’t enough and she needs public assistance, a judge will decide what your husband needs to pay and it will be enough to insure that the children live the same lifestyle as their father. A judge won’t care how often he visits or what she verbally agreed to previously. As far as visitation goes, I would demand it be at your (his) home if you two stay together. She wants it at her home to continue the affair. If he agrees to it, you can be assured that their relationship has not stopped. If she wants nothing to do with him as she wants you to believe, Why on earth would she want him at her home? I am as gently as possible encouraging you to proceed cautiously. Talk to a therapist. A trusted friend. An attorney if you can afford one. I am usually one to cheer on reconciliation stories and men who redeem themselves. I have heard many stories and your husband has me stumped. He is so broken in so many ways. More than I have ever heard of before. He cheats (okay all of ours have), but he continues for years after seeing you devastated the first time, he can’t seem to figure out how babies are made or he is lying and wanted to have kids with her all along, and now he wants to abandon his own flesh and blood. This is not a healthy or safe man right now. Maybe one day he will be, but heal and protect yourself for now.

  • Blindsided

    I found out almost two months ago that my husband of 13 years has been having a three year affair. It was with an acquaintance. He would plan to see her about every other month. He would often travel for work and that’s when they would meet up and I had absolutely no idea. I thought we had a good marriage so was blind sided. Lots of sex, no arguing, good friendship. How could this have happened?? If I’m being honest, things weren’t perfect over the past few months. He was irritable, not wanting to have sex like he used to, and not as loving. I suspected something was going on so I checked his phone. He immediately admitted what the affair and broke off all connection. He said he had no desire to be with her (it was just easy and “different”) – no plannjng involved since he was traveling anyways. Of course all I feel is inadequate – she’s more attractive, better in bed, etc, but he says none of that was true. He said he would do anything to save our marriage. He stopped drinking which was somewhat of an issue. He is more patient and loving. Just different in a better way. Yet I can’t shake my hurt and disgust. What kind of person does this?? Our wedding picture sits on top of the credit card he used to pay for their hotels?!? I’m just so hurt. All I do is cry and think about it every minute of every day. I’m lost and don’t feel like I can ever recover from this. We did go to marriage counseling but I haven’t found it to be overly helpful. I do feel that he is being honest and working to change but I’m having a hard time opening my heart and believing in it. How do I ever know what is real again? I am relieved to have found this site because I feel like I have someone to talk to who understands. My biggest dilemma is how TO MAKE MY THOUGHTS STOP. I’m tired of hurting and letting this control me. I’d appreciate any suggestions- the simple things like go for a walk, take up a hobby just isn’t sufficient right now. I know this won’t be fixed over night but wow, this is my worst nightmare.

    • Lisa

      Hello Blindsided – Welcome to the club. Tragic circumstances have brought you here, but know you are not alone, and what you are going through is completely normal and you will get through it. My pictures and the pictures of our children, his parents, and even a painting that I made for him hung on the wall as he betrayed me and my family over and over in front of them. They put blinders up – if it occurs to them, they push it out of their minds as quickly as it came, and ignore it all. They are immature, ignorant, selfish, and very likely depressed at the time of the affair beginning. I don’t know your husband, so I can’t advise you on that front, only you can sort through your feelings and figure out if you love him enough to want him to redeem himself and be with you. Is he worth the chance? Is he a good guy other than this major mistake? Is he devoted to doing whatever it takes, giving you whatever you need? As for your thoughts – I had a pretty good meditation practice before my D day – so controlling my mind was easier – not always, but most of the time. Here is your meditation homework: find a place to sit quietly, uninterrupted, could even be the bathroom, close your eyes, follow your breath, in and out. Try to make your exhalation longer than your inhalation, relax as you exhale. Now, label your thoughts and let them go. That is a thought about the affair, let it go. That is a thought about something I have to do later, let it go. That is a thought about the affair, let it go. Finding the quiet between your thoughts. It may only be 2 seconds of quiet, but find the peace of that quiet. The 2 seconds may grow to 6 and then 10. The more you do this practice, the better you will be able to say to your mind, “we are not thinking about that right now”, and move on to other thoughts.
      I remember thinking in the beginning, what else did I think about before this happened? I could think of nothing else. And that is important in the beginning because there is a lot to think about! But once you have figured things out, you need to let the events go from your mind as best as you can. Finding distractions, things to take up your time that you enjoy. Take a gentle yoga class, art class?, pedicure/manicure, things that make you feel good.
      I am a little over a year out from my d day – the ptsd is triggered maybe 2x a month now. The man I am married to now, is not the man he was before. I now have a new, mature, loving, happier, devoted, and worthy husband. I am his biggest cheerleader – because I can see how much redemption means to him. I was telling him about one of the ladies on here the other day, and he told me that the cheater has to be desperate to keep his/her spouse. It has to mean everything to them to make it work. It is a hard road for both involved, and you don’t deserve to have this done to you, but since is has, there is no winner in this situation – he will live with the shame and remorse for his behavior forever. I have forgiven him and I hope he forgives himself, but remembers the lessons he has learned for the rest of his life. I am wishing you peace. Hugs.

    • Sv

      Blindsided, it’s only been two months. Give yourself a break. Focusing on yourself and frustratingly so, TIME is the best healer. There really isn’t a magic bullet. Hugs to you.

  • Broken

    Dear Des
    Thank you for your kind words. I know this will take time and I am trying to go day by day. It’s hard knowing I don’t have full control. Last night I let him come over and we had a long talk. He is promising transparency but I know he is very confused and scared and even if he does fully and permanently break if off w/ her, I have to realize he’s not the man I thought I knew, and he may need something sexually that I can’t offer him as the mother of his children, etc. It is demoralizing but I am determined for now to stick w/ couples therapy and keep talking for the good of the kids and my own understanding/healing. I still can’t believe the depth of his deception though….I am really going to rely on this group — so good to know there are others out there trying to support each other. Thanks!

  • Played&Betrayed

    I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Your situation is very similar to mine. I found out (aka “Dday”) on 12-1-18 and am still reeling. First thing–take care of you. Make yourself eat, get good sleep, go outside for exercise daily. You’re in for a marathon, not a sprint; recovery doesn’t come fast. My husband immediately started counseling with a sex addiction therapist & is making strides, but I have come to realize that–even if I could trust him again–I can’t live with what he has done to me, to “us”. The marriage was broken. So I filed for divorce & will remarry him if I get past the loss of love I feel for him now, if I feel I can trust him, if I can forgive him. Just sharing because your husband’s affairs & your situation sounds much like mine.
    Individual counseling for you may help you get through the trauma with less pain & more insight. Your feelings & health are just as, if not more, important as his.
    Know that you are not alone. 🙁
    There are online forums dealing with infidelity that may be helpful, also.

  • Broken

    It seems surreal that I am posting this. I always thought infidelity happened to other people. My husband was such a fabulous, honest, solid guy that I knew DEEP in my soul he would never cheat. We had drifted in intimacy of the past few years (he travels a lot, we have a king-size bed and a labrador we stupidly allowed to start sleeping with us, we have busy jobs, my best friend was killed last year, etc. I realized we were in a rut and going about our busy lives happily enough but not connecting. I approached him about the “rut” last week only to find out he’d been having an affair for years with an old friend and had developed feelings for her in the past six months to the point that he thought he would leave me. He was seeking counseling on how to let me go gently. Initially he said it was all for the sex, but as we drifted a bit and became a bit more like roommates (sex every 4-6 weeks in past 10 mo’s – why did I not see that as a big DANGER sign rather than a free pass for more sleep??)…he fell in love with her. I talked him off the brink of leaving us as we have two boys and I told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was for the little ways I had allowed us to drift. He went to our priest, called a marriage counselor, cried and repented…..we actually reconnected in a meaningful way for a few days and I felt hope. Then I found out there had been ANOTHER 3-4 year affair (just great sex) earlier in our marriage when we had NOT drifted. Apparently he has a need for intense hot sex that he doesn’t get from me and didn’t get from me when we were young. He loves me in every other way, loves our boys, is a devoted father, we get along great, are compatible and fun together, etc. BUT I am grappling with how to understand the extent of his betrayals (basically a 10-year stain on our 19-yr marriage if you count the flirtatious lead-ups). I would do anything to save our family but I am so hurt and angry at his reckless, selfish behavior. I don’t know if I can ever trust him again, and while he says that he is broken about what he did to me, I think that is separate from his need for intense, hot sex with someone else. I am trying to go day by day…He moved to a hotel the other night so that we could have some space. He DID break off all contact w/ the OW (she is devastated), agree to marriage counseling, agree to psycotherapy on his own…but I don’t know if I can forgive, or face that i’m not enough for him. Help! It’s only been 9 days…..

    • Des

      Hi Broken, I’m so sorry you are also going through this. It really sucks. You’ve cone to the best place for love, support and non judgement. I’m almost 6 months out and I can remember at day 9 I was in total shock. I never would have thought this would have happened to us. My husband was a very routine guy. I later learned that was on purpose. Most if not all of our stories are very similar in one way or another to yours. We’ve all had husbands that have betrayed us and we’ve had to determine whether or not our marriage is worth saving. At this point in my recovery the only advise I have is to give it time. Your first response will be fight or flight. I wanted to leave immediately but at this heightened state of emotion you really shouldn’t make any decisions. Your feelings will change day to day. Hell mine changes minute to minute. From everything I’ve read you should give your marriage at least a year unless your spouse is abusive. It will be a marathon and not a sprint for sure but you’ve come to the right place to vent and get advise from women going through the same pain

    • Lisa

      First of all, men are so shallow! OMG – are we supposed to be wonder women? Great mothers, wives, homemakers, hot sex partners? Married partners are going to run into that issue – how can you keep your connection fresh and interesting? It always takes a back seat eventually, because life is hard and we are exhausted by the end of the day. When they made the vows, I am pretty sure hot sex was not mentioned 🙂 But fidelity through all hardships was. He needed to voice his needs to you – find ways to make YOUR sex life hotter, not find it with someone else. He is delusional to think it would be different with someone else – the relationship they had was fake, unrealistic, based on lies and deception. It was not real. They were not farting in front of each other – he was pretending to be who he wanted to be, not who he really is. You need to be VERY cautious, because you can see a pattern here, and some people are just serial cheaters. I am not saying he can’t learn his lesson, but he is going to have a lot of work ahead of him. You did not cause this – he is broken and weak and needs to want REALLY want to change and be a better person. Men can compartmentalize anything – my husband did it for 5 years risking everything that he had worked hard for. He looks back in horror and disbelief that he could be so selfish and stupid. We are over a year out now, and I am so happy I stayed and gave him a chance to redeem himself. I want to see him succeed 🙂
      Good luck to you – Hugs!

      • Broken

        Oh, my, thank you for this note. It is a great reality check but also hopeful. You are right – I have been so focused on the recent affair that has endangered our marriage and less on the earlier one, but there is a pattern. Apparently it’s easier to have a 2nd affair when you’ve gotten away with the first. But a stronger man would have seen a huge wake-up call and worked to fix himself. You are so right about the compartmentalization. It blows my mind that he could do that, and for so long. He is so repentant now, but I have to brace myself for a lot of low days ahead. We have had lots of heart to hearts and I feel hope but I don’t want to be stupid or naive AGAIN. I think this site will be a great resource – i need to surround myself with strong women with good advice who have walked this walk….
        Thank you!

      • Broken

        Hi
        My husband has been doing a lot of thinking and soul-searching and says he is committed to working on our marriage. He has broken off all contact with the OW (though he forgot to block her new work account and got a letter last night that shook him up – he says he will share it w/ me). He is doing therapy and seeing a priest friend, considering quitting his big job so he can be home more and less stressed….So he is doing everything right – as much change as I could hope for in a week. I told him I was afraid of Trickle Truth, so he wrote me a long letter that I just read and that made me sob. We are committed to working this out for our kids, and b/c we do still love each other, but it was excruciating to read the account of his emotional affair (amazingly, I no longer care so much about the first b/c it was just sex). Not just the gifts (though there was a large financial one to help her w/ pay off a loan, which he says he made out of guilt – that infuriates me), but the business trips, the stolen hours, the gradual build-up to falling in love. I know i had to read it, and now better than six months from now, but it hurts. He began to think they were soulmates, and since then he has read articles that make him realize they had a strong connection but also a fantasy away from his real world. And that marriage takes love and hard work and seeing eye to eye on things and being in synch can trump “soul mates” when you’ve almost 20 years in….Does anyone have advice for how to deal w/ this? I feel like I’m heartbroken all over again. I needed to learn the extent of it, but it makes me so very, very sad….

        • Lisa

          Sweet Broken,
          Let’s make this clear.
          They are/were not soulmates – what a load of happy horse shit. His soulmate is a selfish homewrecker? Who is willing to
          sleep with another woman’s husband? She sounds great. Men in this state are delusional and stupid – thinking with their weenies instead of their heads. You are the one he married – she is the bimbo low enough to sleep with a married man. Not some wonderful find – but a selfish, greedy, disgusting person. He can’t see that yet, but in time, he should. My husband is sick to his stomach about what he did. He told the enemy to my marriage that he loved her – that is infuriating to me. He didn’t really love her – he loved his double life, secret and exciting – no demands, or responsibilities to her, just fun fun fun – no arguments. It is not a REAL relationship, it is fantasy and it is hollow with no real substance.
          Once you have all of the facts, you can digest them, deal with them and move forward – it is a super painful process, but it is important. I often wanted to throw myself into traffic to stop the pain, but I knew deep down that I would feel better some day. And I do. Much better. This past year, the relationship we have has blossomed, and grown into something really wonderful. Does your husband want to redeem himself and make you #1 priority? If you want that too, there is no reason you can’t make it work together. I am rooting for you! Hugs.

  • Shattered

    4 days ago, I just found out that my husband of 5 years had a one-year affair with his colleague. He claimed the affair is purely for sex and that he doesn’t have any feelings for this woman whatsoever. It was like a bomb in the middle of the day, since I considered our married life was a happy one (we have good communication and sex life, and he’s a loving and attentive father to our son). He made a promise on the Holy Book that he will never repeat his mistake and promised me that he’s willing to change and work to repair our marriage.

    I always thought I’m the kind of woman that could never tolerate any form of infidelity. Turns out, when it happens to you, it’s much more complicated. My friends who know about the affair commented that divorce is the right choice since “once a cheater, always a cheater”. And what do you expect from a man that can’t honor the commitment of marriage? Though I agree with their comments, and has lost trust and that feeling of secure with him, somehow deep down, I still want to give him another chance. But I’m terrified that my gut feeling is wrong. I never realized any signs of him having an affair before, how can I trust my gut feeling now?

    However, on the night that he confessed to me, I caught him crying (which I never saw him did for the 7 years that we’re together). I don’t know if I’m just weak or easily manipulated, but somehow that gave me a little relief, that he did feel bad about the horrible things that he did.

    Since he confessed, he apologize to me daily, and being very transparent to me about the affair. When I told him I want to consult to a marriage counselor (alone), he offered to come as well. I actually haven’t made a decision on whether to stay in this marriage or get divorced, but I need to see a psychologist to give me an objective point of view and analyze whether he is worth a second chance. The session was quite an eye-opener. We shared things that was never shared to each other before. And mostly, our therapist assured me that I don’t need to feel guilty or stupid for wanting to save our marriage, in spite of what my friends said I should do.

    We actually still live together and do our routine. Though that may seem totally strange to others, and perhaps will judge me as one pathetic wife, I guess I just don’t want to give any more complications to my daily life (the thought of explaining him moving out to my family made me uncomfortable). And as Findinghope stated, my husband also showed efforts to be a better man: prays everyday, attentive, and put more effort on our daily communication. Of course, it’s still very new, still very fresh, I still have a hard time trusting him and maybe I haven’t really process this. But I’m willing to see how much efforts he will put into our relationship before I decide once and for all if we should stay or divorced.

    • Shattered

      Anyway, I’m so grateful to stumbled upon this site and know that I’m not alone and, most of all, not to feel guilty that I still need to be close to my husband and that in spite the horrible betrayal, I’m still in love with him. I also don’t feel guilty anymore that, somehow I feel the urge to have sex with him. Before finding this wonderful website, I felt disgusted because I should be more disgusted with him, why the hell you would want to have sex with the man who had shattered your soul??

      But, reading the comments from all you beautiful and strong women, I now know that I’m entitled to feel and do whatever I need to in my healing process. Last night I was angry with him because I found photos of some girl in his email (nothing racy though, just some girl in his office gym). I snapped because I felt like he hadn’t been totally honest with me. He assured me that it meant nothing, just him “being a guy” admiring some pretty girl. Still, I found myself feeling (almost) like the day I found out about the affair.

      But he assured me again and again that he’s serious about his commitment to change and be a better man, that he wants me and no one else. Later, we actually had the most amazing sex, one that I never felt before. F*** it, I don’t care what people might think of me, I need to release this stabbing pain that weighing me for the last 4 days. And it did made me feel better, at least for now (one day at a time, right?).

      I told my husband that it didn’t mean that I’m ready to forgive and forget what he did. I guess I’ll find myself on a rollercoaster of highs and lows for a while, but now I know that it’s okay. I know now that I don’t need to make a decision right away, that giving him a chance to redeem himself doesn’t mean that I’m weak, and that I actually can change my mind somewhere down the road.

      Thank you ladies for all your couragous stories, it really helped me feel better for now 🙂

    • Sv

      Shattered, ignore your friends. Follow your gut, your heart, and your own path in life. Only you know your husband, your unique circumstance, and whether he is worth the risk/gift of forgiveness. I do not believe once a cheater always a cheater. Yes, many cheaters are not remorseful nor do they do deep introspection about what caused their wandering ways to begin with and often cheat again, but many cheaters heal their broken soul and become better humans worthy of our forgiveness. That is for you and only you to decide. Everyone else in your life should be supporting you only, NOT telling you what to do. Hang in there. Time is the biggest healer from such pain.

      • Shattered

        Sv,
        Thank you for your encouraging words. I love all your comments in this group, they really soothe me 🙂

        I’m doing much better now (can’t believe I can say that after only 7 days out of discovery day). But forgiveness is a funny thing, you’d think it would weakens you or making you look like a fool. As it turns out, it gives you much healing power. I’m not saying I’m ready to completely forgive my husband but I’m allowing him to be a part of my healing process, we’re dealing with it together.

        Hopefully I can slowly learn to let go of the anger and the anxiety, and ultimately forgive him with all my heart, whether we’re still together or not.

      • lost

        Dear SV

        Thank you for your wise words. My husband of 30 years announced the other day that he had had a 7 year relationship with an old friend of mine. My life has been turned upside down. I cannot think about anything else. He is a nice, loyal, clever friendly man who I thought was a pretty wonderful husband. My father, was an adulterer and I married a man I thought I could trust. How wrong was I? He said he did it to feel validated. It was only for sex nothing more. But 7/8 years this is a life time. There were a number of occasions that I was at that his ‘mistress’ was also at. I was blissfully unaware! He said he did not feel awkward or guilty. He compartmentalised it. She made him feel manly sexually I did not. Christ how to move on with this. Its been 8 weeks but every day feels like a lifetime. Any advise would be welcome.

        Zoe

        • Sv

          Dear Lost,

          Your story is so similar to mine. I am almost 9 months out. I promise you, if you are determined to be happy again, it will get better. From day 1, as shocked and devastated as I was, I promised myself that I would NOT allow this to derail my life for too long. I have a beautful home, amazing daughters, and wonderful friends. I am blessed now and I was then too. I was Adament on enjoying life again. I did nothing wrong and although I was deeply wounded, I dedicated myself to recovering. I went out with my daughters and friends. I did whatever I wanted, forced myself at times, but was committed to something enjoyable each day. My kids (young adults) needed to see that I was going to be okay. I knew I would be. The only question remaining was whether my marriage would survive. Guess what? I stopped thinking or worrying about it. My marriage does not and will not determine my happiness or define me. 9 months out I can honestly say that my husband and I enjoy each other and are more connected than we have been in years. He is fixing himself. The affair was his problem. His issue, not mine. He has to live with the guilt and shame. I just have to keep living my life. As long as he continues to be the Man I see before me now, I have no incentive to leave. The past won’t change so I work daily on just letting it go. The past won’t change if I divorced him either. At this point the only reason I would have for divorcing him is simply because I refuse to forgive him. When I think about what divorce would get me and the life I would come out with, I see no benefit in leaving. Honestly, I would miss the man he is now. I heard a quote the other day and it really resonated with me… “Forgivness, or not forgiving, doesn’t change the past, it changes the future”. We all need to figure out what we want in life and work to make that happen. I want my husband and family. I am making that happen. Often it still hurts, but it is less and less and the pain is no where near as piercing. My advice would be to just keep breathing. Do nice things for yourself. Try not to obsess over your marriage or specifically the outcome of it. Reach out to us all here. A few ladies in this site have truly saved me. You will be okay. Feel free to email if you need someone. Slvd@hotmail.com

  • RobbedOfTrust

    I couldn’t stand the idea of wedding anniversaries, either. My husband cheated for 3 out of 4 years of our marriage; he killed it. Completely. It meant nothing but pain to me, so I divorced him & am remarrying on a different date. It may seem extreme, but no way could I stay in the tainted marriage of betrayal & deceit that broke my heart.

    • Sv

      I completely understand the not wanting to acknowledge or celebrate wedding anniversaries, because I have felt the same way. However, another part of me comepletely wants to celebrate the day. I can look at it as a milestone that we have made it through, warts (mostly his) and all. My marriage has been more than his enormous betrayal. We created a family, we built a future, we made a beautiful home, we laughed, we made memories, and we loved all the while he was making a terrible hurtful choice. What he did when he left me does not negate the good we shared. I refuse to allow some dirty shameful secret he hid in the dark take from what was real. Yes, it hurts like hell when I allow myself to dwell on it, but that gets less and less. My marriage and my husband are and were more than his stupid affair that meant so little to him that he never told a soul about her for years. He had admitted that she hated our anniversary and would get jealous, that alone is reason to keep celebrating. She had dreams of one day having an anniversary with my husband. I will not give her the win of me being miserable.
      I am 8.5 months past d day so I have not yet had the one year anniversary of discovery. I am told it is hard, and it may be, but as of now, I plan to celebrate that day as well. It was an awful painful time and weeks, but it was also the first day of the rebirth of his faithfulness. It was the first day of my husband’s healing journey and faithfulness. A huge part of me thinks that deserves celebrating. Granted, I am not there yet and my feelings could change, but as of now, this is my hope. Just my perspective. Reading all yours helps me so I thought my two cents might help others! Hope you all have a good weekend.

  • Jo Ann

    Just an observation of my situation. We are 4 1/2 years out from DD. Things are very very good. There’s still an occasional “bad day” or trigger here or there . There is nothing more that I could ask of him to do for his part in repairing us. The biggest lingering issue for me is our wedding anniversary. I feel so indifferent about that day (it’s fast approaching). We did go off and renew our vows 3 years ago, on a different date. We celebrate the renewal for many reasons. Our family was never informed of our situation so they only know about our original anniversary. I sometimes wonder what they think when they don’t see much of a reaction from me when they send cards or messages. My husband still feels that the original date has meaning, apparently a lot to him. For me it’s a day I’d rather just sleep through. Wonder what the rest of you do, or how you handle your anniversaries ?

    • Arynne

      Ugh.. I am in your same situation.. my 20 year is coming up and I am really not sure what I want to do. We are still fresh into reconciliation (month 5) and the last thing I feel like doing is celebrating an anniversary that only makes me sad right now. I have days when I am still debating whether to stay or go, let alone think about celebrating. There are parts of me that feel bad for feeling that way but I can’t help it right now. Making a new date is such a great idea. I might have to steal that. I know we talked about recommitting ourselves to each other in some way but that’s for future once I see we are at that point. I barely got him to book counselling just recently.

    • Kerrie

      Hi Jo Ann. I am only 8.5 months out of DD. I haven’t gotten to my anniversary yet which is in June but I feel the same way you do. I’ve already written it off. Hell I’ve even written off my bday which is in May. I found out in June a week after my anniversary but my husband knew that her husband knew about the affair at my bday last year and said nothing. He waited till her husband told me on June 21st. He spoiled me on my bday and made me feel so special. Now it feels fake and that he was doing it for himself. Probably hoping it would make some difference in what he had done. ( big eye roll lol). Anyway. He is making amends and tries everyday to make me feel safe but I’m not even close to even wanting to acknowledge those events. He feels the same way your husband does. It matters to him. He’s sad when I say I don’t want to. But when something like this happens to you, you realize that none of it matters if there is betrayal behind it. You are not alone in how you feel. I feel the same way. I think I will sleep through it. lol. Maybe someday I will want to celebrate me and us again but not even close at the moment. If never. Then it’s never. You celebrate the events that make you happy. Hugs xo

    • Des

      Hi Jo Ann,
      I’ve been strugging with this day too. My Anniversary is Valentine’s day 🙄 and I had been dreading that day for months. I thought about how I would react and what I would say (all sarcastic and negative) but when it came I just tried to act like it was another day. That morning it seemed like both of us felt awkward about saying happy anniversary to each other face to face so instead I rushed off to work. When I arrived at work and checked my phone my husband had texted me “Happy Anniversay babe 😘😘”. I so wanted to say “is it?” or “not so much” or anything beside happy anniversary which is what I texted back. I know he’s trying bit right now it just doesn’t seem to matter much to me. I don’t say anything in order to keep the peace but I feel like I’m stuffing my feelings. At this point I know it’s me and not him I just can’t seem to move past this. Any of it.

  • Findinghope

    I feel so very blessed to have happened- finally- upon a site that seems geared to long term affairs. I found out about 14 months ago that my husband had a three year long affair with a woman at work, along with two addition ONS during that same period. Unfortunately he came forward with the additional women after an entire year which was highly devastating. There are many days where the sheer length of the affair seems too much to handle- all the lies, all the kisses, all the conversations, all the missed family moments. The “double-life” aspect of it destroys me at times. However as many of you beautiful women have commented on here, he is a beautiful, new, spiritually revived man, so remorseful and guilt ridden and completely devoted to change. When I say he does everything to make amends, he literally does EVERYTHING. He apologizes daily, is fully transparent, literally comes home ALL the time now (lol almost ok much) is an involved father again, prays and goes to church with me every weekend, makes amends and atonement through gifts and letters, cut off contact literally immediately and she pursued him relentlessly for five months but he never faltered and I knew about and could read every tried communication attempt.

    I just want to be one more voice of encouragement that if it feels senseless to stay, but you want to anyway and your husband is trying so very hard and you love him- dive in and try. Don’t apologize. As someone else mentioned what if you had never met him? The history you shared is likely very beautiful and the future you COULD share after healing and recovery and a commitment to forever investing i eachotber could be brighter than you could ever imagine right now.

    So I am packing up tonight as he is taking me to NYC TOMORROW for the long weekend. He did this last year and it was a night of romance and tears and even a re-proposal at Saint Patrick’s cathedral. As much as some days are horrid, I am trying hard to choose the present. What is he like NOW? What was he like this WEEK, MONTH. What do his actions tell me. Trust and verify. So much luck to all of you and thanks for “listening.”

    • Lisa

      I am thrilled to hear that your husband is a keeper! You describe exactly how a husband should behave in this situation – one that is
      mortified by his behavior and will do anything to fix it. One who wants to be a better person, and is willing to put in the hard work necessary.
      I hope your trip to NYC is amazing – you deserve it! You are exactly right – who is standing in front of me now? I am loving our marriage 2.0, and I am so happy you are too. It’s not rainbows and kittens all day everyday – but I am more happy than not for sure. Hugs!

  • Avrey

    I am 3 and a half months out from finding out about my husbands 3 year affair. My husband and I have been together 13 years, married for 9 and a half. His affair was very different in the sense that he saw her face to face for 30 minutes a day once every month. It started off as friends and he has told me and our therapist that they never spoke about anything “deep” just about work and general stuff. He claims he liked the attention (since d day it has come out that my husband had a very emotionally and physically abusive childhood and has struggled to maintain a relationship with his mother who honestly can’t be bothered). He said she came on to him and he “shut everything off” and they ended up having their first sexual encounter in her car that day. The next day while having a breakdown on his way to work he told her to leave him alone and it’s not what he wanted. That was when she started threatening to blow up his work life and confront me. He said she would go away for a few weeks then pop back up and demand he see her face to face or she would expose him so he would and she would insist he sleep with her. If he refused she would start the threats again l. Rather than do the right thing he continued to go along with it because he says he couldn’t bare the thought of how I would feel if I knew and knowing my stance on cheating he assumed it would be the end of our marriage. He claims he never once didn’t love me or had any intent of leaving he just got into something he couldn’t get out of. He finally told her to do what she needed to do but he couldn’t live like this anymore and he wouldn’t so she immediately confronted me. I’m not very far out in recovery. I am trying to make my marriage work. I find a lot of the story hard to understand since I can’t imagine finding myself in a position where I would let this happen. I find comfort in the fact that no money was spent. She was never in my home and he was here every night on time except those occasional one offs. I do feel as if there were more to it he would have found time to be with her but I can tell you nothing makes the pain any better. My husband was my best friend and now I wake up next to a stranger. At this point she has only confessed to me that we know of but I live with constant shame and sadness. It’s hard not to feel as though you have failed (and I struggle knowing she feels as though hhe chose her over me). I hope time truly does heal all wounds but some days it doesn’t feel like anything will ever make the pain, hurt and shame go away.

    • Lisa

      Hello Avery,

      First things first, you did not fail in any way. He failed to be faithful. It was his responsibility to figure out why he was feeling needy, and bring his need to you. His wife. Not some homewrecking selfish floozy. Secondly, good men cheat. That is the truth. The man I thought I new was weaker and much less mature than I thought, but he is still the same man. The version I have now is much more mature, loving, selfless, mindful and committed. He is not a stranger, but you didn’t know everything. The pain and hurt will lessen over time. You should have no shame on you my sweet – shame on him, you are not him, you do not make his choices for him. I am almost a year out now, and I promise you, if you keep working on it, and don’t give up, even on days when you can’t see anyway out, or feel crushed by all of the emotions, it will get better and better. This is ONLY if you have a man worth saving. If he is a serial cheater, or if he treats you poorly, or doesn’t seem committed to actual change, then use this opportunity to leave. Good luck to you. Hugs!

      • Avrey

        Lisa,

        Thank you for your kind words. I’m having a not so great day today and they have helped. I am going sometimes a few days where I can manage to not let the thoughts creep in and can carry on with my “normal” life. Today my father told my husband how he looks at my husband like a son and the pain crushed me. I’m an only child and if my father ever knew what my husband did, he would never forgive him. I always worry that today might be the day she tells someone who knows someone and it will end up getting back to my parents somehow. It’s hard keeping a huge secret from the people you are closest to. Only my best friend and sister in law know what he has done and I pray it will stay only there. They work together though in different buildings, my husband is waiting to hear back from an interview he had. Part of me is afraid that the minute he leaves she will expose this whole thing and then everyone’s reputations will be ruined and it will be like d day all over again. I see change in my husband everyday and it’s what keeps me going but when I sit back and think about how long it went on sometimes I want to vomit. It’s so sad to know that the core of who I am as a person is changed forever by the decisions of someone else. I’d like to think I will come out of this a stronger more forgiving woman And alll around a better person. I do know that whether with my husband or not, I will never be the same person I was once was and some days I just want to grieve the woman I once was.

  • Pam hoffman

    I just found out my husband if 17 years had a two year affair. He ended it just a week ago. I completely broke mentally and am hospitalized. Perhaps going home today. My heart is broken.

    • RobbedOfTrust

      Oh Pam, I am so sorry you are going through this. 🙁 Mine had a 3 year affair out of our 4 year marriage … he wouldn’t have broke it off if I hadn’t “caught” him (long story). So maybe my husband would have a 19 year affair if we were married, etc since we were only married for a year before he started his *daily* affair. I’m broken, also. Do you have any friends/family to lean on right now? If so, let it out. I don’t have any great advice, as I’m only 2 months out and still can’t get through one whole minute without thinking about it … but know you are not alone.

    • Erin

      Oh hun, I am so sorry! You will be happy to find this group. As sad as it is to hear the stories, the support from these ladies is amazing! I am 5 months out finding out about my husband’s 4 year affair plus another fling on the side… and I am still unsure of what I am doing and feel like I am on the verge of a mental breakdown every week! There will be good days and bad days… just take it one day at a time! The biggest thing I have learned so far is to take care of yourself first and foremost! Find a therapist to work with and someone to confide in for support! Hugs.. it sucks that we have to deal with this!❤️

    • Alice donohue

      Pam,
      I am so sorry to hear this. I know your pain because I am working every day to stay positive and recover from my husbands 7 year affair.
      I want you to know that it will get better for you. It just will. Please try to stay positive and please surround yourself with people that love you and want only the best for you.
      If you would like to speak privately,
      Please contact me.
      My email is: alicedonohue5@yahoo.com
      I would love to speak with you. Please keep the faith. You will overcome this.

  • Confused

    I found out in September (the day after my birthday) that my husband had been having a 2 year affair with a woman who worked for him. I had started working with them about 2 months prior, and things just seemed odd. I looked at his text messages to put my fears to rest one and for all, and instead my worst fears were confirmed. He immediately cut off all contact with her and got us into counseling. He insists that he loved me the whole time, and he never wanted to leave our family, but I am having a hard time believing that. We have three children 8,10, and 13. Honestly they are the reason that I am still here. I feel sick at the thought of how devastating it would be for them to have to go through a divorce.
    I am so unsure of everything though. I am not sure if I am still “in love” with him. We have been together for 21 years, and the thought of him with her makes me physically ill. I get all panicky like I am having an anxiety attack. I have never felt anything like this before.
    I don’t know how to tell if I will ever be able to forgive him. I feel so angry at him because my choices are to either divorce(which sounds traumatic) or stay and he gets to have gone off and had his fun and then go back to life as normal, while I feel like a building fell on me.
    Before all of this, I thought I had the best husband ever. We did family things every weekend. He was always home with me and the kids at night, and he is a great father. He treated me like a queen. But then he would go off to work every day and have sex with her during the work day.
    I just don’t know how to get past this.

    • Sv

      Confused, think of it this way. Getting past it is not an option. You owe it to yourself and your children. Do not let the selfish acts of a broken man ruin your future. He needs to figure out what inner demons led him to crave such attention and kill them. You, need to search your soul, make a pros and cons list and determine what you need to be happy and complete in the future. That may be with a remorseful husband or it might be divorced and moving on. This is not a decision you need to make all at once. The only decision you need to make now is to do anything that makes you happy. It’s time to be selfish. Go on a trip. Take up a new hobby. Meet new friends. Allow yourself to enjoy your husband if you wish, or don’t. Focus each day on your happiness and that of your children and your answers will eventually come. The woman who decided to helpself to your husband would like nothing more than to know you are miserable. Don’t give her another win.

    • Lisa

      Hello Confused, I am sorry you are having to go through this. One theme I am hearing (not just from you) is that somehow they get away with something. There is NO winner in this situation. If your husband is truly remorseful, then he is having a crisis of conscience, feeling deep shame, and pain in seeing the person he loves, brought so low by his own willful actions. That is hard to live/deal with. My husband really wanted to throw himself in the river. This “wake up” call is truly an opportunity to redeem themselves from the previous selfish, crappy version they were being. I really think that I was able to say to him “Yes, you made a HUGE mistake, but I know you better than anyone in the whole world, and I deem you worthy of a second chance.” It has bonded us together and our connection is wonderful. I am almost a year out! I can’t tell you the amazing transformation I have seen in my husband and our relationship. It has been worth every moment of pain and anguish. I have found the light at the end of the tunnel. Some husbands are worth a second chance, and some aren’t. You have to figure out which one you have. I didn’t think I could forgive my husband’s 5 year affair either. But once I decided that I was staying and wanted to see him redeem himself, the forgiveness is a work in progress. It is hard, and triggers can send you back to feeling like day one. But it is a marathon, and not a sprint. I am wishing you clarity and comfort. Do things that make you happy/give you comfort. Hugs!

      • Kathy

        Lisa, I’m a week out. Your story hit home. My husband just told me about his 5 year affair. It’s all so fresh and hurtful…..I’ve cried non stop for past 6 days. Reading your story has given me hope. My husband is so remorseful and wants to be a better man. But, now I have moved onto being angry instead of sad. How did you stop being angry? How long were you angry?

        • Lisa

          Hello Kathy, I call you all my sisters in the struggle 🙂 It is accurate, because it is a real struggle. I am almost a year out, and just the other day, I was triggered, and I let him have it. Yelling and letting it all out, I felt much better and could get on with my day. It was like a valve released, and I felt immediately better. Was able to go on with my day, and had a wonderful one.
          Don’t forget, you have PTSD. The shock of this betrayal and the devastation to your sense of reality is not easily dealt with.
          Early on, I would actually say “I hate you” under my breath whenever I thought of some part of what he did. I think I said it a thousand times a day. I don’t say it anymore at all now. Our day to day is so filled with family and each other, that my down moments/days are so much less traumatic. That Ariana Grande song where she sings about “just keep breathing” really hits home with me. Keep breathing, relax with your exhallations, you will make it through this, and if you have a husband who is truly remorseful, and ready to work hard, then there is no reason that you two can’t fix this together, creating the marriage you want/deserve.
          My husband has changed and is not the crappy, deceitful, selfish man he was. He is this new affectionate, loving, attentive, and most of all, honest husband I deserved all along. Let’s face it, relationships are hard, and men are stupid (basically overgrown monkeys in my opinion.) No one is perfect, and it is important for us to determine, is this man likely to do this again?, or is he mortified by his behavior, willing to do ANYTHING you need to heal and move forward? I also think it is important for you to really take stock of what you really want. You have the opportunity to shape your future however you want, does it include him? My husband is an amazing man, and I know that is not the norm – is your husband, other than this terrible betrayal, a great person? Is he worth fighting for?
          You will likely follow the stages of grief, anger is part of that. However, be careful, because a lot of times, the anger is there to shield/distract us from the pain. Getting through that pain is the only way to the other side. Get through all of it. I was a puddle for months, emotionally raw. If I could explain it in %, in the beginning it consumed me in a negative way 100% of my day. Two months out, 85%, six months 50% and almost a year out, 5%. I meditate. I am aware of my thought patterns so I can interrupt them if they are not healthy for me. But I thought about everything if it had value. If I was exploring something (where, how often, why, etc) then I gave it my entire attention, but if I was just imagining them together, super painful and not fruitful, I could distract myself and do something different.
          I highly recommend yoga and meditation – do things for you – let this awful experience strengthen you, enlighten you, embolden you to make an amazing life for yourself.
          Many hugs from your sister in the struggle.

          • Kathy

            Lisa–
            I have been meaning to write you back….Thank you for your thoughts/ideas/comments. Sooo very helpful, and mostly, it gave me hope that we can make this work. We are in marriage counseling and taking it day by day. xoxo

        • Sv

          Kathy, you will probably go back and forth between sad and angry for awhile. It’s not something you will just wake up one day and say “I am over this”. It will be steps… 2 forward and 1 back. It’s okay. You will be okay. My husband had a 8.5 year on and off again affair. Wow, it can still take my breath away when I see that in writing. I am 8 months out and doing so much better. It still hurts, but it does not consume me. I am happy again. Don’t get me wrong, I have my times of feeling sad over what he did, but I am capable of being a happy person again. I feel closer to my husband than I have in years. You will get there. Concentrate on doing what makes you happy. This is important whether you stay married or not. You are not alone.

          • Kathy

            Sv,
            Thank you! You are right, it’s important to do things that make you happy. I’m struggling with not allowing it to consume my day, so I am trying to keep busy with fun things, but it is so hard!!

      • Confused

        Thank you Lisa. I have read your message several times when I am struggling. It gives me comfort. Some days are good, others the pain seems like it is too much to bear. We are in counseling, and I am hopeful that it makes things better.

  • Elizabeth

    Hi all! I have a similar situation with a few caveats and I am 9 months out from discovering the depths of my husband’s betrayal. Just a brief synopsis, he and I were always long distance, even we were initially married. Not by my choice but because he always had excuses for why he couldn’t move. Then after 6.5 years, and after losing his job, he moves here with me. 1.5 months in, I find out he is cheating. Turns out, I was the other woman the first 2 years and didn’t know it. Then right after our son was born, he started 2 different relationships simultaneously – 1 was a hook up thing for 3 years, the other was a genuine, told each other they loved each other for 3.5 years. He was also doing other skeezy stuff like posting pics of nude pics of himself on reddit and looking for hookups and responding to craigs list ads, etc. He says he never actually followed through with those except for the one reddit girl that became the significant relationship (who was literally 1/2 his age). Turns out he lied to her and told her we were in family court, fighting over child custody, waiting on our divorce – for years!!!

    Anyway – like Erin below – I literally had to drag everything out of him. When i asked him questions, he would answer. But he would not provide any additional details unless I found them out on my own – ladies – my dad is a PI – I know all the tricks. I uncovered crap on him that happened years before I even met him and he had forgotten about. Again, besides the point. My point is I doubt he has told me everything at this point. He refuses to tell me exactly how many women he slept with and says that its exactly what I think already but he won’t provide the number on his own. He is already looking at nude subreddits online but says they aren’t a contributing factor to what he did. He promised to do individual counseling and then marriage counseling (he didn’t want to do marriage until he did individual) but went 3 times and quit. We went 2ce to marriage counseling and he refused to do what the therapist recommended. He is willing to go back now but says he doesn’t think it will help. Meanwhile I have been in counseling once a week for months.

    Long story short – after 9 months and going through every stage of grief and anger possible – I have hit my rational stage and I am debating if I can truly ever get past what he did to me and my children. I have forgiven but I just can’t forget it. He literally cheated on me from day one and still would be if I hadn’t found out (7 years of it!!). So my question to those of you who have been through it – do you really ever get over it? Can you really ever trust someone that is capable of this type of behavior ever again? If so, how? Any advice? I am honestly not sure I want to stay with him at this point but I keep thinking of our son (my youngest of 3) and what that means for him and it bothers me but at the same time, I don’t want to live my life this way either. I am not the type to look over shoulders and search through accounts and I genuinely found out about his affair by accident but now I’m obsessive with it. I hate it.

    So… sorry for the long post – any objective advice would be great. Is it truly possible to get over something so devastating?

    • Sv

      Elizabeth, it seems like you are trying to recover from multiple affairs with a husband unwilling to come clean with the whole truth. That would be difficult to recover from. He needs to be open with you about all he has done, what feelings led him to seek such attention, and how he plans to heal himself from craving and finding that attention. Until he figures out the whys and how’s he won’t know how to prevent it from happening in the future. You need to see an honest change in him to ever trust him again. Why would any of us trust our husbands until they have proven that they have truly changed? My husband is still in counseling to keep in check his feelings of worthlessness that caused him to seek such admiration and affection to begin with. Marriage counseling helps with a broken or troubled marriage, but your marriage is not the problem. He is the problem. He needs fixing first. Is he willing? If so, your feelings of safety and love may return. Or, they may not, but he needs to do this for not only you, but himself and your child.
      My husband tells me daily how grateful he is that I am giving him a chance to prove he can love me the way I deserve. He is bending over backwards to do all he can to help shoulder some of the pain he caused all while dealing with the pain from his shame and guilt. He gets this one chance to prove he is a new man. The man I have before me now is a man I would choose to marry Over and over again. This would not have happened without total transparency and disclosure. I am 8 months past D day and although I knew from Day one I wanted to try and reconcile, it wasn’t until about month 3-4 that I was confident that it could happen. Being in limbo was awful for me, but I knew I needed to take all the time I wanted to make a decision. I hope some clarity comes to you soon.

    • liz

      Elizabeth ,this is a time to cry and rejoice knowing the thruth and I recommend being patient with all your emotions! Your will need to be in charge now of your life’s future and your child’s well being! My spouse was or still is a cheater, lier, an emothional , vigara abuser and worst an fiancial abuse. I’am now older and wiser. Oh , I Just found ou this last summer, he has just “been friends” with a married woman for 20 years which I insisted I met them last summer.with her husband present ,LOL I have always worked keep my fiances separated. Keep your mouth shut and get busy girl! While I was in my marrital crises ,I set up my own retirement plan and hired an estate planner, visited a divorce attorney to understand my rights as a now disabled wife married almost 25 years to my best friend, In short,now when he tells me what a “ball and chain I’ve have become etc etc, … , I simply say ” You can leave any time! I know you will never change .” I don’t deserve this life , so make me happy and please leave, Don’t call him names Oh, hey honey , and by the way i’ll help you pack your bags. lol, Yes it does hurt, it used to really bother me ALOT!!! Now I just laugh at his stonewalling, and gaslighting behaviors.The more I found out over time, the more I knew all the those years of name calling, “your a crazy##@”and the ranting like a two year made so much sense, especially when I would asked those wifey questions. YOU Are not the problem !! HE is the problem!! Tha’ts how I cope now with my best friend in this long term marriage ,and its MY choice to stay, not my theapist or the lawyers. What I will get from a divorce settlement and his retirement has giving me the confidence to know it will be ok to stay or go. I found forgivness helps, and finding peace in my heart for me. It also helps with my recovery from trust trama and betrayal issues i was subjected too . Sorry to ramble and good luck

  • Erin

    It’s been 4 months for me, after finding a 3.5 year affair, along with various flings. Then after a only few weeks of our reconciliation, find out he was searching porn, then lied and denied it too. Brought me back to day one as I count that as just another form of cheating. So again.. I started doubting everything and thought that there must be more I missed.
    When did any of you finally stop the searching? I have spent so much time searching his accounts every day that I should be considering it a full time job, it’s embarrassing.
    I finally agreed to stopping as it is running my life right now, and finally erased the pictures and text messages I found. It felt good at the time but now I feel such anxiety over it.
    We have not started counselling as a couple yet mainly because I am feeling like he needs his own counselling first. Which I am helping him seek right now.
    Did you ever feel like you were just hanging on because you felt you should? Sometimes I look at him and am not even sure if I even loved him like I did because of all of this. I feel like I have to try and fall in love all over again. It feels so wrong to have to do. Nothing I found out was confessed to me, I had to drag pretty much all of it out myself from my endless searching. This is what I have such an issue with. If he had told me ANYTHING on his own I might feel some sort of connection but it just all makes me doubt anything he ever says to me is truth. Does this ever get better? Pleas tell me it does!

    • Sv

      Erin, from what you wrote, your husband has not yet found true remorse, guilt, and shame. If/when that arrives he should willingly give you a timeline of all his behavior and affair details. You shouldn’t have to investigate for the truth. He should also be answering every question you have repeatedly if you need to hear the answer over and over. I am almost 8 months out and I am still asking questions anytime I need an answer. Often it’s the same answer I want to hear again in different words. My husband answers them all. He knows this could continue another day, week, month, or years. He created the pain. He knows it’s up to him to help heal me. It’s difficult for him to talk about something so shameful, but that’s his cross to bear and if you ask me, not too much to ask considering what he has done. Perhaps you aren’t healing because you don’t have a full picture of what you are healing from. We need to know all of what was done to our marriage and we should not have to become a PI to learn the truth. It’s time your husband man up and face what he has done. I hope he does. Saving your marriage is possible. I know when I saw my husband doing all he could to absorb the pain he caused in me the love I had for him started to peek it’s head out of the safety hole it was hiding in. I believe it can happen in all marriages if the cheater is ready to do the work to make it happen. Hugs to you.

    • Lisa

      Hello Erin
      I don’t know your husband, so I can’t say if he is worth keeping around. But what I do know, is that the husband I had before was an ahole (yours too). And this disaster that he created, has been a real wake up call. He is a different man today. Getting caught (he never just confessed anything, although he was honest when I asked him a question), made him do some real soul searching. What kind of man does he want to be? What are his values and principles? The man standing in front of me today is truly a different man. He is attentive, thoughtful, affectionate, happy and most of all, totally in love with me. 🙂 We are 11 months out, and I truly thought this would kill our marriage. Instead, I am falling in love with this new and improved version of my husband – he is awesome! I don’t know if your husband is ready, dedicated, being honest, etc., and if he isn’t, the quicker you move on the better, but if he is ready to redeem himself, truly and with all of his heart/mind/body – then falling in love all over again is really fun 🙂 Seeing my husband change, and work so hard, makes it easy for me to forgive him and love the man in front of me now. I love knowing that the man he was before is gone, evolved into this beautiful soul who has changed, and made some very important revelations that will keep feeding our marriage. And if the man he was before comes back and he cheats on me again – I will kick him in the privates, and move on 🙂 He has this one chance to redeem himself and my husband is working hard to earn my trust and I am his cheerleader – I know he can do it 🙂 That is what I want for you – if you want it, and if he deserves it 🙂 Him telling you the truth is #1 in importance. Lying is over, truth is the way now. No matter how much it hurts you, or makes him look bad. It is the only way through to the other side. You are not alone, and it does get better. I promise.

    • MA

      Erin I whole heartedly understand you and your endless search for more details. I too uncovered my husband’s affair by accidentally stumbling upon bank statements. From that point on it became a full time job and extracurricular activity. I searched all day and all night – non stop. I took screenshots of line items. I would cross check restaurant purchases (dates with his hoe) with text messages between him and I. I would then cross check that with pictures I took on those days to see what I was doing while he romanced the other woman. It’s honestly like stabbing yourself over and over again. I became obsessed. What helped me ultimately is my own counseling which I think is necessary for you as well. My therapist suggested that since I was so obsessed with checking, try to give yourself a time limit. “I’m only going to comb this over for the next 10 minutes” Also, ask yourself why is this important? For me it was to find the whole truth as nothing was really told to me by him, I discovered it all. Lastly, I believe I looked (and don’t be fooled I still kinda look late night when I can’t sleep) because deep down I wanted to find “THE” reason to say “I’m leaving you.” Searching doesn’t help the situation. It creates more questions and bad energy for you and from you.

      Something that honestly worked for me was remaining calm when I asked questions and received responses. I would not yell at him, curse or attack. I tried my hardest not to cry either. I genuinely tried to listen to him as if I was a friend he was confessing to. The morning after I discovered one tiny piece of the affair, I grabbed his hands and made us look each other in the eye. I said the following “I want you to be honest with me no matter how much the truth may hurt me. I’m willing to work on our marriage if you cheated but I need the entire truth. You are a great man. You are a great father. You are a great husband.(He looked away on that part and even though he wasn’t a great husband I wanted him to feel safe) Our home is your safe space. Your honesty is safe here and my heart is open to hear your truths.” From there on I got truths. They still didn’t come from him willingly but when confronted they came. I would hold back anger and try to understand that he was a broken man. I really suggest you try the same approach. I would assume he doesn’t want to tell you all the details because these men don’t really think they’ll get caught and have to confess all their mess to us. They are also in an affair fog.

      I also understand looking over at your husband and feeling like he’s a total stranger. You should because he is. Take time to yourself. Take time to mourn the man you remembered. Be kind to yourself. Nothing has to be decided today. You took vows of for better or worse – this is your worse. Don’t give up the fight. SUPER HUGS TO YOU!! 💖

      By the way, I’m 2 1/2 months out from discovering my husband’s affair and 1 1/2 months out from discovering she’s pregnant with his child. We are trying to work it out.

  • Donnac6

    I feel like I have nowhere to go. All of my close friends are his friends too. I found out last Saturday my husband has been involved with a coworker for about 3 years. He told be it started as a close friendship and developed into more over time. He keeps claiming it was mostly a deep friendship. They have had off and on sexual contact for I am not sure exactly how long. He says only since last summer the sexual contact occurred on a regular basis. Whatever that means. He claims he did not have intercourse with her but the implication is they did everything except that. He said it was out of loyalty to me, but that is total garbage to me. He says he loves me and he wants to stay in our marriage. How can I believe that when he says he thought he was in love with her?
    We went through some difficult times throughout our marriage. However, in the summer of 2017 I made a decision that I was going to try and if it didn’t work it wouldn’t be on me. Our youngest son had just started college. I thought things were going really well for at least 8-9 months. We were doing things we enjoyed together, taking weekend trips and generally having what seemed to be fun together. Then I went to Florida with my life long friend and her daughter for 5 days. When I came back, he was bitter and resentful. I believe that’s when he really started a escalated relationship with her. Supposedly she had a boyfriend for a year and broke up with him around this time. She left her job with his law firm in September to work elsewhere.
    He said he believed I gave up on him and because things had been tough before. I was having heavy, painful periods that lasted sometimes 2 weeks or more. My oldest son just graduated from college and was moving 900 miles away. I was going through a tough month last May and he said he thought I gave up so he went to her. He didn’t even try to talk to me, he didn’t even appreciate that we were rebuilding our relationship.
    I don’t know what I want to do, I have loved him for 32 years and we have our 2 sons who would be devasted. My younger son has battled with anxiety for about 4 years and I don’t know what this would do to him. How can I believe that he really wants to be with me when he said he had such a deep connection with her for so long? He said it was a wake up call and allegedly he told her he couldn’t have any contact with her. I feel so lost.

    • Des

      Hi Donnac6, I’m sorry you are going through this. Everyone here knows exactly how you feel. My husband’s affair lasted 7 years and we have been married for 21 years. I found out Sept. 14th after the 2 of them got in an arguement and he claims he told her not to contact him anymore so she sent me a message on Facebook saying she had been F’ing my husband for 7 years and would like to speak to me about it. When I tried to make contact she wouldn’t tell me anything except to move on a fix it with him. He claims it meant nothing, it only happened 2-3 times a year and that there is nothing wrong in our marriage he felt like he was having a mid life crisis. I did catch him in some lies as time went on so I don’t really know what’s true and what’s not. I thought if she gave her version I could compare it to his and find some truth
      Not that she has reason to be totally honest with me. If you just found out Saturday give it some time. I’ve done some research and it is suggested to give it at least a year to decide whether or not you want to divorce. Right now your emotions are all over the place. 32 years is a long time compared to 3.

    • Lisa

      Hello Donna – you are so close to the time you found out – nothing is going to be clear to you for a while. First of all, you need to encourage him to tell the whole truth. Trickle truth (holding back details in an effort to not hurt you, or sugar coating/omitting information) is a terrible way for this to go down. If he wants to be with you, then total truth, whatever you ask, no matter how bad it makes him look is the most important thing to do. Him saying it out loud, and you going through what you need to processing it is how it has to go in a healthy way. It actually bonds you together in my opinion. Him trying to minimize it for whatever reason, is still lying. Lying is over now.
      If you chose to stay with him, it is you two on the inside and everyone else on the outside. Keeping secrets with the enemy (I refuse to call the soulless, selfish, disgusting human who would knowingly sleep with another woman’s husband anything else.) is still contributing to the wall they built between them and you. That wall needs to crumble, and be rebuilt. You two on one side and her on the other, as it should be in a marriage. My husband did the same thing to me – knowing there was something wrong in our relationship, he tried a little, then ignored it, gave up, and escaped into his selfish, detached, delusional little world. I am 11 months out – and I can tell you, if your husband is really remorseful, rededicated, honest, and ready to let this situation be a real wake up call – you can carve out an amazing relationship from the ashes of this disaster. My husband is amazing, and I have never been happier. I was a puddle on the floor 11 months ago, not able to even imagine I could forgive him for 5 years of deception, betrayal and some of the most unloving behavior a husband can do. I did forgive him, and he is a different man today. I am so lucky to have him, and watch him redeem himself and become this amazing husband to me. I deserve it, and you do too. A lot is on you, deciding what to do.
      What he had with her is nowhere near the intimacy you and your husband shared all these years. He is on his best behavior, pretending to be someone he is not with her – it is escapism. Nothing more. I am sorry that you are going through this, but know that all of your pain, and hurt will lesson, as you get on a road to either leave, or stay. Once that is known, then you can be working towards something, and that can help a lot. Until you know, take good care of yourself. Work through everything – sticking your head in the sand, or turning to drink/drugs is a terrible idea. Work through it. Only he can prove himself to be worthy of a second chance, and only you can determine if he is worthy of your efforts. Big hugs to you!!

      • zoe Adams

        Hi Lisa.

        Thank you so much for posting this very sensible piece about infidelity. My husband, we have been married 30 years in April told me (he had a gun to his head) that he had had a seven/eight year affair with an old school friend of mine 7 years ago. I have been absolutely devastated ever since. I was living in the countryside looking after the teenage children whilst he was in the city working!
        He never wanted me to come up to see him but I thought that was fine, he was busy and I have always trusted him. How often he saw this girl I am unsure of. When he first told me he said once a week but now its changed to every three weeks. He says it was just about sex, that he loved me but I did not make him feel manly enough. With her he could pretend to be the man he wanted to be. According to him there was absolutely no emotion at all. How could this be for seven years! They talked about business etc. Even though she knew me (she was at school with me) my name never came up in seven years. What’s particularly galling is that I went to a number of events with him where she was including her birthday party. I asked him if he felt awkward at the time but he said no….he was able to compartmentalise it. He is now being adorable. Very very loving and extremely considerate. I fluctuate between loving him and feeling compassion to hating him and wondering if I am being manipulated. I suppose at least we are living and feeling strong emotions which I am told is good. Trying to put a positive spin on such a negative situation seems to have become a full time job for me. Any advise would be welcome. Best. Zoe

        I can un

  • MA

    This is my third time writing. I’m not exactly sure how long it’s been since I discovered my husband’s affair as the truth has trickled out in steps. I first discovered some sort of betrayal on Nov 14th. A week before Thanksgiving I found out it’s with his manager (he’s the Director) and all three of us work together in a corporate setting. I’ve mentored the woman. The affair has gone on over a year and a half from what I discovered but could be longer. On Christmas Eve I discovered via his barber that she’s 3 months pregnant.

    I’m writing this because I recent wrote reaching out for help from anyone who has experienced an “affair baby/child”. No one answered😔 Talk about feeling alone. I’m hoping that my comment will help another woman who may be facing this situation.

    I’ve been with my husband going on 13 years and married 7.5 years. We have a 5 year old son we both adore. I hold the vowels of marriage incredibly serious and only take my ring off to shower. The thought of my soulmate, my husband, falling in love with another woman, sharing a bed, being naked and intimate while ultimately ejaculating inside of her is ripping up my soul. He’s apologized, answered most questions and is participating in couples therapy. He cannot cut off contact with her because well….he’s her boss. He’s now in a position to ultimately lose his job and risk our livelihood. Our finances will take a hit (if I stay with him) due to pending child support. A veryyyyy messy situation.

    How did the pregnancy occur? Well, besides the obvious “how” the mistress told him it was impossible for her to get pregnant🙄. That her last relationship ended because of this issue. Then she got her “football sized cyst” drained and boom shes pregnant immediately after. She never told him she could have a chance of becoming pregnant and he believes she was never told she could (cough! BULLSHIT). I’m sure a doctor did tell her but she was wanted my husband since one of the biggest issues in our marriage was my reluctance for baby #2. NOT taking away his egregious fault in this insanity either😡.

    To love unconditionally – that is the question. I am totally and utterly in love with my husband. I adore him. I’ve found this new sexual side of me in the mix of this storm that desires sex every night. I want to help him through this as he has admitted that the baby was an “oops”. That he doesn’t want the baby but needs to be a responsible man for this innocent child. That I’m turn leads to a crap load of questions. Will you be in the delivery room? How much will you be financially responsible for? How often will you get to see this child? Will it be in her home, alone? Will you fall in love with her all over again once you see the child you now share?! It all makes me sick.

    I’m not sure where this will all go. I take all of this hour by hour. None of my friends or family know. I have no support other than my therapy once a week. My husband has fallen into a depression and is incredibly moody, plagued with fatigue, not happy or hopeful about life, gaining weight, plagued with body aches and stomach pain. So he can’t support me because he himself is falling apart.

    If you’re in a similar situation – it’s not your fault. None of it is. I have accepted my faults in having the marriage “dry out” but i have no fault in his actions. If you decide to stay it’s ok. If you decide to go it’s ok. Do what you want to do. I just wish I had a support system and I encourage you to do the same.

    I hope to check in throughout this nightmare.

    • Kerrie Duchscherer

      Hi MA,
      I am 7 months out from dday. My husband had an affair with his best friends wife who was my best friend. They met every two months in cars, our bed, their bed , his office and many others For 8 years ( on top of us All hanging out as couples every weekend and holidays). I apologize that I didn’t respond to your last message. I should have. I guess I was hoping that there would be someone who is dealing with a pregnancy of the other woman to respond. Still no excuse. I want you to know that even though I am not dealing with an affair pregnancy in my situation I know what you are going through. That would be very hard to take. All of those questions you have for your husband are valid. I personally feel that if he is with you. Then he needs to be with you. And only you. I agree with him being financially responsible and a father to that child but as far as going into the room with her. Absolutely not! Him not going in is not going to affect that child in anyway. It will however affect you and give her the wrong impression that he is with her. That is not fair to either of you. Mostly you!!! He needs to make a choice. A firm solid choice! Not this wishy washy BS. He is the only one who can make these blurred lines clearer on where he stands. ( he might want to start looking for a fresh start at a new job if possible). This is never going to work if he still continues to see her everyday. It will drive you mad. I am thinking about you and I wish you happiness ( whatever that means for you). Hugs. Keep writing. Remember everything you are feeling is normal
      And just!! It’s ok to have bad days. In these situations it is one moment at a time. Which then hopefully becomes one day at time. Then one week and so on. Xo

      • MA

        Wow Kerrie! Talk about betrayal!!!! I’m so sorry you are going through all of that. Curious to know how you found out.

        No worries about the no reply…I figured I was a Lone Ranger in this savagery. My feelings are everywhere. Often I want to work it out. Often I’m embarrassed I want to work it out with someone who has done everything to make me walk away. Often lately I find myself wondering if I even want to work it out. I’m a good person – I don’t deserve any of this.

        Today I saw her in the office. She’s almost 5 months and it broke me. A couple hours later I get a call that my father is close to passing away. My soul hurts.

        Thank you for your kind words. I greatly appreciate them!

        • Kerrie Duchscherer

          Omg. I’m so sorry MA about your dad. :(. With everything you are going through and to add this on top of it 💔. Please don’t ever feel ashamed by any of your decisions. You love who you love. It’s hard to just walk away without doing everything you can to save it.

          The answer to your question. I found out on June 21st when her husband showed up at my door to tell me about the affair. You see her phone wasnt working right. So he plugged it into their computer and all the texts came up. Years worth. The hard part is my husband knew her husband knew for a whole month and never did any damage control. He let me be obliterated by her husband. So now I know exact dates and times they were together. Sometimes when I was even around. The worst part is I suspected that he was cheating for three years. He gaslighted me and made me feel crazy. She was my best friend so I would cry and tell her about it. She even had her husband spy on him as I thought it was someone at work. The whole time it was her!!!!

          Anyway, we have come a long way since then. I’ve come along way since then. I thought I was going to literally die. I actually almost did. I went down a very dark hole. But I dug my way out. My children played a huge part in that. They are the gift that just keeps on giving. ❤️ I will never be that girl again. It took months to feel worthy of anything. He gets one chance to redeem himself. So far so good.

          Know that I am thinking about you. You Are not alone. You are a strong woman who deserves to feel safe and loved. I’m here if you need me I’m praying for your dad. Xo

          • MA

            Thank you thank you for your kind words💖 Means more than you can imagine.

            Wow. Ultimate betrayal from your husband and best friend …and at times when you were around?! My goodness!! What evil evil things people do out of list!!!

    • Lisa

      Hello MA, I remember your last post. I am sorry that you had no one respond to you. I am not in that same situation, but it is only because my husband had a vasectomy, I am sure. Is your husband in therapy? – he is not dealing with the stress of this situation well, and that is imperative to this all working out the way you want it to.
      I remember my husband telling me of a man who came home and told his wife “it seems WE got the maid pregnant”. We talked about the word “we”. Obviously the wife had nothing to do with the original act, but in terms of moving forward and being good parents to this child, it is the two of you (if you chose to stay). I would not be comfortable with him being ANYWHERE near her without you (unless it is in a professional capacity that you have no choice in). In the delivery room? Then it is the two of you – if there are visits, then you are a part of them. You are a team. It is up to you and your husband what your relationship with this child is – and what that looks like. Visits in her house? I think not.
      I know that you are not alone, but possibly this site is not the right one to find others that share your specific situation. Keep looking. I know that I read some stories of people in your boat, and who stayed and are making it work. I think it is important for you to know you are not alone, and you have control/choices in regards to what you are comfortable with and what you are not. What your husband does is up to him. You never had any control of that, and you never will. You have to work on yourself. Make strides to be able to care for yourself and your son if you needed to. I am furthering my schooling, partly because it is good for me, but also so I could support myself and my daughter if he did this to me again. I don’t think he will. He is mortified at the selfish ahole he was being, all of the things he was risking (he also could have lost his job from this situation) and doesn’t want to be that low again.
      You should be first consideration with any choices in regards to the enemy to your marriage and the child. Consulted and worked with to make sure this is as easy on you as it can possibly be. No major choices need to be made right now – take it as it comes, and please reach out to me anytime you need to. I hate the thought of you not having anyone to talk to about it. Hugs!

      • MA

        Lisa your words mean so very much to me. I’m not sure which way to turn or what my feelings are anymore. You’re right though I need to find some other women experiencing the same. This is such a hurtful situation. I cry alone a lot…especially at night😔 Too many situations can play out. Thank you for your kind words.

  • Pat

    I am 2.5 years into the drama of my husbands cheating. When I found out over two years ago, it was going on for about 6 months. I stayed to work it out, but he was always so frustrated with our life, home, kids, etc. So, I filed for divorce, he moved out and right away called this woman back into his life. Not knowing I started a relationship back with him and over and over again I would catch him, end it & then start up again our turmultuous relationship. We have a difficult time staying apart. Its been so much and so stressful. When we’re not together I’m ok for bit and then I fall apart. I wasnt able to heal without him. It caused me so much pain. I am doing much better now working through this with him. I realize all these questions that come up in my head need to stop. Constantly reliving it in my mind is not helping me. So, I am trying to heal with my husband. I’m not going to let my pain push him out. When I feel bad, I will let him just love me. Resentment doesnt serve us. It only hurts us. Praying our love continues to heal and grow.

  • Des

    Darlene. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through. It’s totally understandable that you wouldn’t care about much of anything your husband does now. I pray that you find strength and healing to deal with all that you are going through.

  • Des

    Hi Nichole, when I found out about my husband’s long term affair he told me the reason it went on as long as it did was because she would threaten to tell me if he stopped it. The she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and he felt sorry for her and decided not to end it because she was given 6 months to live. The part about her being sick is true. Someone else that knows her confirmed that but not the part about him wanting to end it for years. That’s actually the only pary of his story she disputed. She told me that she told him that she would never tell due to the pain it would cause. He then came clean and admitted that was true. Ironically she did tell when he broke it off but neither one will answer all of my questions. I never wanted sexual details just how often, where and when. Those kinds of things. My husband told me his version but he’s lied about other stuff so I wanted to compare her version to his to see where I could find some truth. Now both seem to be so concerned with my feelings saying that telling me will only make things worse and that I should move on and fix it with him. This makes me wonder what more are they trying to hide. I’ve asked him to not put me through this trickle of information that might come out later because that only reopens old wounds. At this point I’ve decided there isn’t anything else I need to find out that would hurt me more than knowing my husband lied and cheated on me for 7 years. That’s all I ever need to know. It bugs me but I wouldn’t be surprised by anything new. I even suspect more women. So at this point my wandering mind has probably thought of every worst case scenario there is.

  • Des

    Lisa, you’ve helped me look at things in a much more positive light. Although I know I’ll feel this way for some time to come I need to try to stop dwelling in the past. I’ve decided to start working on myself. I’m thinking about going back to school and maybe getting into Yoga. I need to find things to focus on besides the turmoil in my life. I’ll give my husband the opportunity to redeem himself and hopefully he will but I need to be ok with my life taking me down a different path (if that happens). I really hope in some months to come I will be able to report that we have a better and stronger marriage but if not I need to be ok with that too.

  • Darlene Otis

    My husband had a 6 year affair. I found out about it in the beginning and he assured me it was a one night stand and it would never happen again. I believed him. Until 6 years later when he left me and moved in with her and told me he had never stopped seeing her. When he decided to come back, I allowed it because I needed insurance for my disabled daughter. I had already filed for divorce and since my husband wasn’t the father, my attorney told me she would lose insurance after the divorce. I told my husband I would only reconcile because I needed the insurance. He tried very hard. But I had a lot of anger and I didn’t believe a word he said. After about 3 years I had pretty much “gotten over it” unless something triggered me. Then my son died and all of a sudden I could care less about what my husband did or does. Because the pain from his cheating is nothing compared to that of losing my child. We are still married and I still need his insurance. I assume one day he will find someone else.

  • Nichole

    I feel like my story is a bit much, but its a week old and I found myself looking through articles on how I should be dealing with my husbands affair. So here it is. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 6 years. Last Tuesday I found out he had a long term affair with someone that ended about 3 years ago. He told me the affair started before we officially got married in 2012 and continued off and on after, the part that gets under my skin more than the entire situation is in 2013 I suspected he may have been cheating so he was followed and sure enough he was meeting a woman, when this came to my knowledge I stormed over and confronted him in the act. He lied then and told me it was a one time mistake, I was crushed! Our marriage was so young and I felt like we were just getting things on track building our life together so I decided to work through things to fix our marriage. It severely damaged the trust in our marriage and it took me years to recover, eventually I did heal and the last year and half of our marriage has been the best its ever been. Tuesday I found out that the woman wasn’t a one time mistake because the affair lasted several years off and on. He told me the affair stopped in 2014 and both never had any communication after that. I am now in shock that the real truth has come out.. I don’t know what to do.. He saw me hurt for years over the first act and how long it took me to heal and to find out the entire time he went back to continuing the affair? I am beyond furious and upset. Our marriage has not ever been perfect but the last year and half has been so good to us. We have built so much in such a short period of time. I never thought I would be going through this again but here I am. My heart keeps reminding myself of what our marriage has recently been and trying to justify that our marriage wasn’t in the best place when all of this took place but thats beside the point. He’s told me everything, more than what I wish I knew. I feel like I don’t know who it is I really married, how did he get away with this for so long when I looked not often for peace of mind? How could he be capable of such a long term act.. I feel like this is so much harder for me to accept much less get over. I’ve grieved our marriage once for this, to open up old wounds and now have to heal againl, if healing is even an option… what do I do? Is this worth saving or am I wasting my time..

    • Lisa

      Hello Nichole
      I am so sorry that your betrayal has unfolded like this. In my opinion, the cheaters are in some kind of idiot fog. It doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it does put it into perspective. They were able to justify in their minds this betrayal. That is not easily eradicated. When they are caught, it doesn’t end right away for some of them. To end it, and face the consequences means facing that there was NO justification based in truth. It was all made up, so they could cheat (ie: run away from their problems). That is not a thing they most likely want to face. So a lot of them go back and forth, or even leave their wife for the other person, only to learn that their problems followed them there (since they are the problem). My husband happily ran around town having sex with the enemy to our marriage for over 5 years – excited to see her. In hindsight – he is ashamed and realizes how delusional that was and can’t stand to think about her.
      For you, you need to give it time. If you have really cultivated a marriage 2.0 that you are loving, please give careful not to throw it away. It is very common for this to happen – I have talked to MANY women whos husbands, in their fog of idiocy, withheld information, or tried to minimize their behavior. You are right, you need to process this, and heal from it again. I found out that it was over 5 years, and not the 3 years my husband originally confessed to. It opened things up and I had to forgive more. It is all the same episode, I forgave it all, it was just bigger than I thought. You have to give it time, to process it, and make your decision. You will heal. It is a terrible setback, but it doesn’t have to be the end. It takes 2 people though. He needs to be committed to the truth and to you from here forward. Good Luck!

  • Des

    My husband gave similar answers as to how he could risk it all. He thought it would end and that I would never know. As he put it he got “caught up” and it just kept going. All of you ladies have given me a lot to think about and I really appreciate everyone’s feedback. You are right about trying to figure out the mind of a cheater. I can’t understand it and never will because I’m not one. Maybe I just haven’t given myself enough time. I don’t want to make the wrong decision and leave if things can work out. I also don’t want stay if that’s going to make myself and my husband unhappy for the rest of our lives. I would love to get to a place where I have the better marriages you ladies now describe. I know there is only so much he can do to show me he’s changing. I have to be willing to give him the chance to prove himself. I’m trying to move on.

  • Des

    Thank you so much for your response. It’s good to know that there is an end to my grief someday. I’m certainly not there yet. No where near. I do understand it’s early in the process but I still feel so angry and resentful. I know for my sake I can’t continue to hold on to these feelings. Right now it seems to be my coping mechanism. I know I could make it on my own but I wouldn’t live the lifestyle I do now and who wants to start over at almost 50 years old. I can’t even imagine having to enter the dating scene again. I know my husband is trying to do better I just can’t get out of my own head. I can’t seem to let go and allow myself to reconnect with him right now. I thought we had such a good relationship. We spent most of our time together. We went on weekend beach trips and vactions on a whim. I guess I don’t understand how someone can make the same bad choice over and over again for years. If you value, respect and love the person you’re with why risk losing them. I also wonder if my husband and his AP had not broken up and I had discovered the affair would he be ok with me leaving because he still had her. I don’t want to believe that (and I really don’t) but these are the thoughts that are constant in my mind. I’ve been trying to find ways to help me forgive and find peace. I welcome any tips of strategies you have used to get through this

  • Des

    Hi Sv, I do agree that if it was love they would have gone long ago. I think it’s more convenience. Someone is willing to continue the affair so it makes it easy. I’m just emotionally exhausted. I know nothing will negate the pain I just wonder if I can ever let go of the anger I feel because of his betrayal. He keeps telling me that it didn’t mean anything but how is that true if he was willing to sacrifice everything. Reading comments like yours gives me hope that someday I won’t feel the need to know all the answer. One day I hope that I can accept what is and let go of what was. I’m no where close to that right now.

    • Sv

      Des, I don’t think they consider that they could lose everything. It becomes such a habit that they have got away with for so long. For my husband, he describes it as not even feeling real. It was just some stupid shit he was doing when he checked out of his real life. I believe him when he says this as he dropped her so easily when caught. I did ask him how he could risk it all and his answer was “I never considered that as a possibility. I just figured it would end one day and you would never know”. Clearly his head was up his ass to cheat to begin with. Trying to rationalize a crazed mind is futile. All we can do is look at the man standing before us now and what they are doing to fix themselves. My husband attends meetings, IC, and has been put on medication. He has never been happier and more attentive to me. Yep, still hurts, but why leave the man I have now when I was happy enough when he was an asshole? Oddly, I have the “dream marriage” now when I forget about the past. Hugs to you. Time will help , regardless of what you choose. That I can promise you.

  • Des

    4 months ago I found out that my husband of 21 years had been cheating for nearly 7. His mistress contacted one of our mutual friends on Facebook and asked her to send me a message to contact her. Apparently the night prior she and my husband had gotten into an argument and he told her to never contact him again. She began posting comments on our pics that said “your secret is safe with me” and laughing emojis. I couldn’t see any of this because she had sent me a friend request about a year before this and my husband went in my phone to block her. Around the same time she sent 2 of our 3 grown children a friend request. None of us accepted it because we didn’t know who she was. I contacted her and she really didn’t want to talk to me (as she request) she would only say that she never wanted my husband, she considered him a friend and that he was chasing her. I find it hard to believe someone would have sex with a married man for 6 1/2 years if they didn’t want them. She said she contacted me to show him how easy it would be for her to be mean but that she had always told him she would never tell because of the pain it would cause. I also learned that she is bipolar and was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 2 years ago. I never suspected a thing because my husband is very routine. He comes home from work on time every night. Come home during his lunch break and rarely leaving to go out in the evening without me. That’s why my initial reaction was shock. I wondered when this was happening. He told me in the beginning he would tell me he was going to his friend’s house but this only happened 1-2 times a year. Then he started telling me he was going to see his brother in a neighboring town which was 2 1/2 hrs away. This raised a lil suspicion but again it only happened a couple times a year so I really didn’t think much of it. He says he met her at a neighbors house and she made him feel attractive because she was about 12 years younger, thin and attractive. He was 40 years old at the time this started. He also says it didn’t mean anything it just went on so long because he was getting away with it and she was willing to continue. Since discovery he has made some positive changes. He says it will never happen again because he never wants to see me in this much pain. He has taken a lot of verbal abuse from me. He wants to make the marriage work but I’m not sure I can. We had a good marriage before (I thought) and he says he’s always been happy with me. I’m mainly there for financial reasons right now but don’t want to spend the res of my life with someone I’m unhappy with. I don’t think I can ever open up to him again. Not sure what to do.

    • Lisa

      Reading your letter, we have a few similarities. When I found out, I couldn’t fathom where he had found the time. He is home after work every day, and comes home from lunch every day. He found his time at least once a week or so when he would go grocery shopping late night to get stuff so i didn’t have to. How thoughtful. For over 5 years of our 20 year marriage. I had to find clarity in my choices, as do you. Why stay? If it is financial, it will never work long term. You have to stay because you love that person, know that people can make mistakes, (even long term, enormous and harmful ones), and want to see them redeem themselves. (and they have to be worthy of that, some are, and some are not.) I love everything else about my husband, he is kind, considerate, loving, funny, and he has figured out that he doesn’t want to be that A-hole he was being. I am 100% behind that. He is remorseful, and ashamed of his behavior. If he does it again, I’m gone. Thank you, Next. If he doesn’t, we have a wonderful marriage 2.0 growing and I am happy right now. If you don’t feel that way about your husband, like he is worth the chance, then this is your escape card – take it and find a new life – make it a slow transition, so you can find your footing, (because he would at least owe you that), and save/start making money to support yourself. My husband had no intention of stopping his relationship, so you have that….I caught him through phone records. (No reason to be calling/texting someone else morning noon and night). I am almost 11 months out, and I am feeling better, although I struggle with triggers all of the time – the reaction to them is much less. I have the marriage I always wanted and thought was never going to happen. I wish you clarity and strength. Hugs from your sister in the struggle.

      • Des

        Hi Lisa, thanks so much for your response. I really appreciate your insight. When I first found out about the affair I told my husband I was leaving at the begininng of the year. As someone who has been married for a long time I’m sure you understand how finances become intertwined and I couldn’t just leave at the time. That might be what ends up saving our marriage. At the time I couldn’t fathom staying with someone capable of lying and cheating on me for years. As time has gone on I felt like if I left I would lose everything we’ve worked 20 years to build. Not just financially but my entire life. If I stayed I would lose my dignity and self respect. I know staying with someone for financial reasons makes for a toxic situation. I’ve lived this with my parents. My dad was a serial cheater. Mom stayed because she needed him to take care of her and Dad stayed because he felt obligated to do so. Not what I want for my life/marriage. I do love my husband and he is remorseful. He does have other redeeming qualities. It just eats me up to think if I stay he gets away with this with no real consequences. He gets to go on with life like nothing happened and I strughle with this everyday. Last night we were in bed watching TV and he says that is his favorite part of the day. Just the two of us blah blah blah. Then he kisses me on the forehead and apologized. Again. Instead of me being able to accept that as a sincere apology my mind went straight to I wonder how many times he texted her while in bed with me during his “favorite part of the day”. 😐 Maybe it’s just too early in the process for me but hearing your story of just a few months ahead of me makes me think I might feel better about all of this at some point.

        • Sv

          Des, I felt exactly the way you did for many months. I am 7 months out and no longer feel that way. I have self respect and dignity in choosing the life that is best for me. I dont care what others think of my choice anymore. I love my life and my husband. I hate what he did and it still hurts, but leaving him would not negate that hurt. In fact it would intensify. All we have is the future and the right to design it the way we choose. People say that long term affairs are ask much worse and in some ways they are, but I would argue that if it was a true “love” situation our spouses would have been gone years ago.

        • Lisa

          Hello Des,

          You do not lose your dignity or self respect by staying with your husband. Quite the opposite in my opinion. I don’t know your husband, so I can only use mine as an example. Staying with my husband, who knows he has this one chance to redeem himself, is the highest act of self love, and I shine bright with my love for him and myself, and forgiveness gives me clarity.
          If I am moving toward staying with and cultivating an amazing relationship with my husband – I am happy and staying true to myself. Leaving because I feel disrespected by his past behavior, when he is trying to change and make amends and do the right thing now, would crush me. I actually thought the other day “well, at least we’ve gotten that out of the way!” He’ll never do that again. If I left, my next choice of mate might cheat on me. I really feel like my husband is really remorseful and will never do this again to me. He values me now, more than ever. You don’t know what you have until it’s gone – that has happened and he realizes that he doesn’t want to lose me. I think depression had a lot to do with his terrible, self destructive choices. We are doing SO well now – I am thrilled and can see how hard he is working. I have the closeness that I was craving, and we have a great synergy now.
          If it happened again. I know my path would have to split from his – I would have to follow my heart and protect it. For now, I am taking more classes to further my knowledge and my potential to support myself if I need to in the future. Which is also
          taking care of myself and doing things for me.
          You will feel better and have more clarity as time goes on. If you concentrate on the specifics (ie: when she texted and what you were doing while they were together) serves to do nothing but hurt you. The more in the moment you can be and not let the past steal from your now, the happier you will be. But you have to decide what you’re doing first, before you can start walking a specific path. I am almost 11 months out – and I know how hard the first 6 months can be. But the more you process it, don’t dwell on things that make you feel terrible, let go of it, and embrace your now, the nicer the path will be. It is a struggle and and unfair one to us, the betrayed. But like it or not, here we are. Anger and Sadness are not our friends. They are necessary reactions to terrible circumstances, but they are not to be embraced, or dwelled in. They are to be used to burn out this hurt, and out of the ashes we rise as a phoenix. Staying in the past will only serve to keep you in the fire, burning. Forgiving and letting go is where the real change takes place and you are able to heal. I was triggered yesterday, and came home and unloaded my experience on my husband. I forgive him. When my feelings come rushing back, it is hard to stay in the moment. So I talked to him, calmly and we worked through it – leaps and bounds better than at 4 months when I was still so emotionally connected/easily triggered into a full melt down. People say it all of the time – it is a marathon and not a sprint. When you make your choice – stick with it, even through the bad days/doubts and see what happens.
          Big Hugs 🙂

          • Girasol

            Wow, this was an amazing response and reflection. Thank you so much for sharing – it gives me hope. And clear reminder to focus on the present. I’m only 1.5 months out, and now going between good and bad days. Today is a bad day and just can’t stop looking backwards and dwelling on the few details I have. I shared all my feelings and pain with husband, re-asked many of the awful questions. I do wonder if my constant or cyclical need to do this is in part to see that he is indeed, now, honest, sincere and open. He is. So it makes me feel a bit better and helps me move on to a better place, at least for the moment.

            A major underlying cause of all of this was terrible communication. We are likely going to do the couples weekend seminar, “getting the love you want”. Curious if anyone has done this and has feedback. Thanks!

  • Jamie

    So I have been married for 6 1/2 years and I know w have had our ups and downs. Well so I found out my husband has been cheating on me on and off with this one person for at least 8-9 years. It has happened when we were dating with this same girl. I had found on his phone that he was messaging this person and got so defensive about it and deleted the app he used to communicate. He first told me that he just looked on there for old pictures of boobs to please him self. Well to find out from the girl her self she has been with him on and off for 10 years. He was as of a week ago talking to this person and stringing her along. He never told her he is married and has kids but that he was in the military that is why he couldn’t see her as often. Some more back story he has cheated on me last year with another women and I found out because of my son going through my husbands book bag for school. But that time he said they only kissed and stopped it and convinced me to forgive him and later I found he would call this person for hours while me and the kids were asleep. He was doing Uber and met her there. So it seems when I actually have prove of something then he admits to it but never the whole truth just says yes to anything bay I ask him specific. So honesty he never admits to anything he did to me that I don’t know about. I have found other messages while he was in another state going to his military school for his job. Again he said that is was someone else using his phone and laptop. Honestly I don’t believe any of that but he still hasn’t admitted to me that he cheated then or with any other women except the ones I have actually had a conversation with and asked questions. So every time we have these talks and conversations he always cry’s and says he loves me and doesn’t want a divorce. He also says I guess you want a divorce or want me to leave. He also says if I didn’t want to be with you I wouldn’t be. Now this last conversation he seems remorseful but then again if that is all he ever does then how do I know he actually is remorseful at all if he does it again. He says he does t want a divorce and then makes me feel bad that I need to think about it for the month and that yes in my mind finances are always a huge thing for any relationship especially with kids. We have a lot of debt and I have nothing to pay that off so I’m sorry but yes it comes to my head. Now I do love him but this on going conversations that clearly don’t work because he is still talking to this women until this time he says he hasn’t any communication. We had a conversation about this and the next day he didn’t want to give me his phone when I told him I need to see his phone. He again wouldn’t let me see any messages because he currently was talking to her and didn’t want me to know. That is when I messaged this other girl. Anyway I just feel like he wants to work on us but then again just to end the conversation and to manipulate me in some way so he can keep me. Im just so confused because everyone tells me to leave or try to work it out. I keep going back and forth but I just need advice from someone that knows what I’m going through.

    • CC

      Hi Jamie,
      I am about 3 months post life changing events – A man can only say so much, its his actions are what makes our next moves either the easiest or the hardest decision to make.. either way they both will cause pain.

      To me it seems your husbands actions, answer all your questions. He is still hiding his phone, saying the same things he did in the past when caught, and will not give you the respect you deserve by being honest. Looks like to me he hasn’t changed.

      I chose to stay, took the gamble because deep down inside I knew he was worth the risk. He was open and honest, even told me details of the affair. You need to hear them, it gets everything out and open on the table. Is he worth the effort? Does he want to work hard and change his way of dealing with his choices? Keep in mind its easier said then done, he has to work hard and his actions will show. It is up to you to decide when enough is enough.

      I too was financially dependent on my other half, first thought “How I can do this on my own” it wont be easy, one step at a time. I now have a separate “just in case” account, that he is fully aware of. We come first, and we surely cant take care of others until we have taken care of ourselves.

      Hugs XOXO!

  • Jennifer

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 Years and we have a beautiful 2 year old baby girl. I discovered his affair two weeks ago and it was with a Co worker which lasted over a year. I found out by going through is phone. They still work together and he is in no position to look for another job right now. We are going to our second counselling session and this was something he always refused to do in the past. He has given me all access to his phone and work schedule. He said the affair happened due to our relationship always being up and down and him never feeling good enough. He said he wants to be with me and will do whatever it takes to make it work however I am not sure I can get over this especially knowing they work together. Please help. Words of advice?

    • Tanya

      Jennifer, I feel your pain. My husband’s long term affair was with someone he works with off and on… and his other “fling” on the side works with him every day.. right beside him. (Dental assistant). It kills me knowing that they see each other every day. I am on month 4 and still don’t know if I am staying or going. And that’s ok. Focus on you. It’s awesome you are doing couples counselling, we are not currently right now but think that is the only way to work through the pain. My therapist has helped me learn to like myself again and to take time for me and only me. You NEED to do that! Take time to think about what your relationship means to you, only you will know what is best. It’s not about forgetting what happened, it’s about being able to not have it control you or your life. I wish for you all the best. There are a lot of amazing women on here that have conquered it and have a better relationship than ever now! Hugs to you and your little one! ❤️

  • Jayne Kelly

    Our 33-year-old daughter Discover and my husband was having a seven year affair or more with a girlfriend he had when he was 25 and she was 19 he is now 71 I filed for divorce when I found out and he blatantly carried on the affair until January 1, 2019 he he said he went to 3 Hour Dr. to break it off with her we are in couples counseling I don’t know his intentions other than his deception is which have been many he says he couldn’t tell me about his affair because I have MS and I am legally blind and have been for the past 10 years I believe this to be and excuse that’s unbelievable he gave her the dignity of breaking it off in person but I received no check in there nothing in person he said he planned it wanted it And would continue it if not quite my world is nothing of what I thought it was help

  • Sv

    I wanted to share a bit of hope for anyone really struggling. I am almost 7 months post d day and of course it still pains me a bit, but today while cleaning closets preparing to move, I found a wedding picture. A few months maybe even one month ago it would have reduced me to tears, but not today. Today I had a twinge of sadness at the innocence lost to our marriage, but I also thought…”thank God this day happened. I have been blessed with so much from this relationship. Two beautiful daughters, a home, and a ton of good memories” So today, I chose the happy memories and it felt good. Listen to the 90’s song by Garth Brooks, “The Dance”. The line “I could have missed the pain, but I l’d of had to miss the dance”, says it all for me. My husband and I had a good, but clumsy dance and I can look forward to continuing it. Time does help ladies! (Assuming you are dealing with a remorseful man willing to do all he can to heal himself and you.)

    • RM

      SV – Thank you for this. I’m a little over one month out, and while pleased with progress we are making (I already feel SO much better), its still hard to look ahead. I am really challenged to understand how I fit this into my life, into who I am, and who my husband is. Therapist keeps saying it will take time, I’m grieving, etc. But I’m very action-oriented and am trying to imagine a future where I can be the best person I can be, in the best relationship I can have, while also having this knowledge and these awful images in my head (I’ve never seen images, just what I’ve conjured up based on what I know). Anyway, your note helps give me hope that I will someday be able to focus on the good memories and not look back at the last 4 years and consistently think, “He was lying to me and betraying me and not choosing me”.
      Thanks.

  • MA

    HELP!! SOS!!! Other woman is pregnant.

    Me again😔 I just discovered via my husband’s barber, who randomly contacted me via Instagram, that my husbands mistress is pregnant. The barber told me I need to know of my husbands “devious” plan to leave me and our son at the end of January and move in with her. That he’ll tell me he tried to make it work and then leave. I confronted my husband about it since I had a feeling of this type of plan and he denied it…of course. He didn’t deny the pregnancy but denied the devious plan part. I feel like I keep living in betrayal. He’s been present with me and our son. He’s been very loving and forthcoming about his affair since I discovered the pregnancy. He says he’s conflicted tho because all three of us work together and he needs to be careful how he deals with this for anyone to lose their jobs. He’s also conflicted because he’s also been open about still having feelings for her. He also said he needs me and wants to work on us regardless. He’s cried, he’s apologized but I’m shattered. I asked if he has proof she’s really pregnant. (Side note, my husband moved out in the end of August and came home on Nov 15th when I discovered the affair. He said she discovered she was pregnant right before he came home so he’s known and not told me. She said she had a feeling but then took a pregnancy test.) I asked for proof because I also feel like she may be doing that to keep him. They weren’t getting along right before he came home and she was asking him when he was going to officially end it with me. She also told him she wasn’t able to ever get pregnant and he believed her so he trusted he could just ejaculate in her (TMI I know). So with all this I’m like is she really pregnant and if so did she do it to trap him or this is some miracle child – either are devastating.

    I don’t know how to handle this. I’m not kicking him out so he could run to her. I somehow want to work this out but I need assurance it’s over with them. His response to that is “I’m here aren’t I?” We spent the holidays together and I combed over his phone the day I found out to see if there is any contact. He has deleted her from his phone and no contact. I told him he’ll be the responsible man and care for the child but that doesn’t mean a romance with her too. If he leaves this house I’m asking for a divorce. I feel like I should already be asking for a divorce but my soul loves him.

    Anyone experience a child from an affair? What do you think of this mess?? I’m emotionally and mentally not ok. HELP!!

  • Is there hope for us?

    I have posted a few times. I am at month 3 since finding out and am wondering how many set backs you all have had to deal with? We have been working on rebuilding trust after a 3 years relationship my husband has had along with another overly friendly friendship with his coworker. Since then he had let me have passwords for his Facebook, email, etc. I hate having to do it but it makes me feel better. Recently I discovered porn site searches and then videos that were downloaded onto his phone. You can imagine how crushed I was. So I confronted him… thinking he would at least admit to it.. he did the opposite and denied it all, saying he did not search up these sites, like they mysteriously appeared in his activity and his phone. Like does he seriously think I am THAt stupid? I don’t even know how to deal with this anymore. It’s not even the search that bugs me as much as the lying! Now I question whether he has told me everything being that he finds lying so easy. How do I make him just be truthful already. I am starting to feel numb from all this pain already and don’t know where to go. I am trying to remain strong and trust that God will help me with all of this but I am just so afraid of everything . Why do I love him? When is enough enough? Ladies I am so thankful for your posts! They have given me so much strength and insight to how to cope. But right now I just don’t know what to do!!

    • ZoeIsPissed

      You definitely cannot make him be truthful. You can only judge by what you see -his actions -not words. I’m sorry to say, but there is probably a lot more you don’t know and that he isn’t telling you. The same thing is happening with me and my cheating husband. He had 2 affairs and the last one he refused to admit until I found the evidence and basically threw it in his face. You love him because you are a loving person and he is your partner and you can’t turn that off just because you have discovered this other side to him. But you need to decide if being with someone who betrayed you for so long and knowingly lies to you is acceptable to you. Don’t wait around for him to tell the truth or change- that may or may not (probably won’t) happen. Look at your entire relationship as it is now and decide whether or not it is acceptable to you.
      I am 4 months out from finding out about my husbands affairs, which overlapped with each other and lasted at least 4 years (that I know of) I tried to reconcile for the first 3 months, but more and more details of his affairs kept coming out, and then all of these “friends” – women he regularly or occasionally contacts – kept popping up in his email, texts, etc. I hadn’t realized he was keeping a harem. I also found out he’d had some shady behavior with girlfriends of mine. I couldn’t take it anymore and decided that, after 20 years of marriage, enough was enough. I asked him to move out, but he won’t leave and is now living in our guest studio. I am going to see a lawyer in January and begin to get on with my life, without someone who caused me so much heartache and trauma. At this point, it’s the only way I know that I can truly heal from all of his deception. Think about what is best FOR YOU. And don’t stake your future on hoping he will stop lying and come around. Stay strong!

    • Lisa

      Hello – Yes there is hope for you – but it is going to take a lot of work on your husbands part to start being honest.
      Him lying is a trigger – it is imperative that he doesn’t lie. About anything. It is you two against the world,
      and you are never to be on the outside again. As you said, it’s not what he did, but the lying to cover it up is
      showing you the pattern of lying if it suits him. It can’t be. It undermines all of what he is trying to do – I am sure
      he will be able to see this if you point it out. Is he in therapy? It sounds like he has not learned the full lesson yet.
      Just because the affair has ended, doesn’t mean that the man all of a sudden sees the error of his ways and is
      magically a better man. It takes time, and insight, and lots of hard work. Is he worth the effort? Does he want to
      work hard and change his way of dealing with his choices? It is up to you to decide when enough is enough, and
      I hope he can see how much his lying is hurting and not helping (some guys really think that).
      I knew my husband was worth the effort/gamble and that I would like to see him redeem himself – So far, 10 months
      out, and I am impressed and super happy with our marriage – it gets better and better. My husband is trying, and I
      am too – we have different things to work on, but we are working hard! It is wonderful. You can get there too, but not
      on your own. You want to be able to check these things, and have nothing to worry about, check, all is okay. Over
      and over, it is what creates the security – but if he is caught doing something questionable – own up immediately.
      He needs to step up and take responsibility, and no more lies. Even if he thinks they are about something that is
      no big deal, and would only lead to an argument, too bad. Own up and get it over with – No lies.
      This is a situation that he has created, and there are new rules. No lies, no matter how small is #1. He needs to
      commit to the work – no lying, no cheating, giving you everything you need/deserve and more.
      Behavior patterns are not easily broken – but this is a growing opportunity for him – they talk about “Be Yourself”, he
      needs to do that. If you did it, own it. Be yourself. If you have to hide it in shame, you shouldn’t be doing it then.
      If you don’t think it is a big deal, then don’t act like it is by lying about it. Does that make sense? I don’t know him,
      so I can’t really tell you, but you know him, and if he is worth saving or not. Does the good outweigh the bad? Does
      he really want to change? Does he treat you kindly, and support you and your dreams? Is he willing/able to do the work?
      Good luck to you both! *Hugs*

  • Kathryn

    Hi everyone,
    I’ve posted tonight on surviving infidelity .com. All I’ve had back is that my husband is awful and I should run for the hills. I’ve read the posts to my husband and he’s gone mental. He’s actually left the house now 😩 I notice when I’m coming up to me period (which is now) I’m so insecure and really dwell on everything. I so wish I hadn’t gone on that forum! You guys support but don’t actually say to leave. I feel dreadful, don’t know where my husband is, and he feels like sh*t, he really does. I’m scared, upset, really down but (strangely) strong. Is it fair my husband is awol? Is it fair I’ve given him another grilling tonight? I don’t know my arse from my elbow to be honest.

    • Sv

      Kathryn, I don’t know your story, your needs, or your husband, but I do know the survivining infidelity website. It is full of the most sanctimonious judgemental people I have ever “met”, which is odd because the one thing I have learned from this whole ordeal is to not judge others. I would have been the first woman to judge another for staying with a man that did want my husband has, yet here I am. Who the hell was I to judge anyone and their choices? I have become a better person for that. This site is much more supportive and tailored towards the long term affair survivors. Long term affairs are a bit different in my opinion. In some ways worse and in some ways not so much. Just different. Ignore the “advice” or what often seems as demands of others on that site. Follow your gut, your needs, your wants, and desires in life. Only you know you, your husband, and your unique situation. We are all here to say we know how it feels, but will not judge your choices. I stayed with a remorseful husband because it was the best thing for me and my family. People have told me I was crazy and some have supported me. I have lost friends and grown closer to others. Forget that other site and hold your head high with pride for working towards what you want.
      As for being upset at your husband tonight, he needs to know that it is going to happen from time to time and to buckle up. It’s part of the healing. For me. unloading a bit of my pain on the one who caused it is necessary. My husband knows this and has to take it. It gets better and less often with time. Hang in there. Life goes on. You will be okay.

      • Cat88

        Thank you so much. I really needed to hear your words ❤️
        I will try to stay away from that forum and stick to this.
        We are all awesome women, living through a traumatic life event. I’m choosing to stay also, with a remorseful husband who is trying his hardest to be the husband he should have been. I look at my 5 year old and 3 year old and I know I’m doing the right thing by them.
        Merry Christmas xx

    • Jo Ann

      Very sorry to learn of your negative experience with surviving infidelity. I’m very surprised, however, as the site saved my life 4 1/2 years ago. They had so many various forums but we’re lacking in the “long term affair” area. I even became a poster there myself. I think the thing is that we each need to search until we find our safe place. We share so many things, yet are so different in many ways. One day at a time, stay strong, you come first and happy you found your safe place.

  • Julie

    So I’m 55 and have been with my husband since I was 16. , we have been married for 22year and have 1 daughter. My marriage seemed so stable and normal
    We seemed content , but in 2016 I found out my husband had been having an affair for 4 years with a women with 4 children. . He worked long hours and went on many weekend motorbike trips with the guys. Or so I believed. He was literally living a double life. , staying with her on weekends and going on camping trips etc with her family. My daughter and I felt so betrayed and felt like we were living with a total stranger. He moved out and went to live with her and for 2 years if you can believe it he lived a double life with her , and treated me
    Like his affair ! My daughter now living overseas was not involved with this at all. He refused to get divoirxed and he had a baby during this time with her. He 56 and she 42 ! He tried to hide this fact. Crazy at if sounds , he came back to live with me when the child was 6
    Months. He won’t commit to me but refuses to talk about the child with me and his long term
    Intentions His phone records tell me he has many looong phone calls with her So I don’t know what to do. It has been almost 3 years since this all began for me and 7 years since his affair began. I can’t live this unstable life with him but just can’t seem to find the strength to tell him to get lost

    • Lisa

      Julie, You need to find the strength, because he sees that you are weak in that area and is taking advantage of you. You deserve a mate who is committed to you, and can tell you that, and walk the walk too. Your relationship is dysfunctional at best, that you were made to consider yourself the affair partner for years is blowing my mind. He is doing what he wants, not what you need, because you are letting him. Nothing will change until you stand up for yourself, and demand what you need, and take nothing less. Some guys are worth saving and others aren’t. It sounds like a lot of what he wants, he sounds pretty selfish quite frankly. It doesn’t sound like he has learned anything about being a better man/mate from this situation. Good luck – This is YOUR life.

  • Shirley

    D-day for me was August 4,2017 when she called me. We’d been married for 34 yrs. He has always said he always loved me, never intended to leave me for her, he was trying to leave her and he wanted to fix this. I love him and 34yrs, 4 children, 7 grandchildren is a lot to walk away from so I stayed, committed to repairing my marriage. Then in April 2018 I found out they never broke up and had been in contact via email ( we changed his # after d-day) when she sent my copies of their emails. She sent copies of those emails to one of my sons as well. In them he says he doesn’t want her to leave him that he wouldn’t be happy without her in his life. He would see her on his work route. He left me on Easter while I was recovering from surgery to see her, he told me he was going to the store. Again she told me about their contact so I would know the truth. When they’d meet on his route they would kiss goodbye. He said he never had sex with her after D-day. Again he said he knew he didn’t want to leave me and that he was trying to slowly break it off with her and promised to stop all contact. Another phone number change. But then in August 2018 she contacted one of my daughter in laws and told her they were still in contact. That time I kicked him out. That seemed to be a game changer. We had been in therapy from the beginning but he was lying to his therapist. We continued therapy. I still wanted my marriage. He came home after a month and he says he’s had no contact. Hes told me everything and there are no more lies to be found out. So now 16 months later I’m still reeling. It’s true I’m not falling apart everyday or crying all the time. But I don’t trust he’s telling me the truth now after telling me the same thing when he was lying to my face. In therapy he said he was afraid I’d leave and she was the back up plan. That he thought they could be friends. I am just lost now. I don’t know if I’ll ever believe him or fully forgive him but I do feel that I have given him a degree of forgiveness because I’m still with him. We’re in our mid fifties and I feel like if it’s going to take years to recover then maybe I’m wasting my life now. I feel like my whole marriage was a lie. I’m not sure he ever loved me so why would he live me now. And why choose to stay faithful to me now? What’s changed? He says he just knows what I’ve meant to him now. How he took so much of the things I gave freely for granted because “That’s just how you are. But no he knows it’s how I was because I loved him so much. I can’t seem to believe anything he says though. So I am lost and have no idea how to find myself, or how to let go and move forward with him or if I even should b

    • Lisa

      Oh Shirley – When I tell my husband “If I have to go through this, thank you for making it easy on me”, your story is what I mean.
      My husband dropped the enemy to our marriage as quickly as he could. Easy and heartless actually – but I loved it. You on the other
      hand did not get that gift from your husband. However, that doesn’t mean it isn’t the same situation, because it is. Sometimes it is a clean
      break, but sometimes it is a slow back and forth (some men even leave their wives to be with the enemy). But it is still the same situation.
      He didn’t go out and find some other bimbo or something. His fog of stupid hadn’t lifted yet. A lot of justification behavior is hard to change.
      Just because they get caught, doesn’t mean that their way of thinking, and behaving is suddenly cured. It takes a while for some men to really face and process their terrible behavior, and actually become better men. That is not an overnight process for most.
      You have to decide if he is worth saving. Do you love enough about him to see if he can redeem himself? The back and forth after being caught is VERY common, and not an indicator of how much he loves you, but more how hard it is to stop being stupid after you’ve been doing it for so long.
      Hugs to you!

  • Debbie

    I found out in May, my husband of 35 years had a side b**ch in his life for almost 20. It is now December, and we are going to counseling, but I don’t think I can ever forgive or trust him again. I’m at a fork in the road and don’t k own which way to go. He is being open with me and trying very hard to continue our marriage, but I’ve never felt this hurt or betrayed in my whole life.😥 I am very confused and in pain!!!

    • Lisa

      Hello Debbie – Clarity is so hard to find when you are at the fork! You are 7 months out, do you have an idea of which way you are leaning?
      I love everything about my husband except for what he did. I can seperate the two, because I have done things I am ashamed of, and am an amazing person who learned from those mistakes. If my husband had been an ahole during our marriage, it would have been easy to leave him. But he is kind, funny, generous, and loving, not to mention an amazing cook! That is hard to leave.
      Is he/your marriage worth saving? I don’t know your husband. But you do, so sit with that question, and clear your mind. See what comes to you.
      It is also my opinion that you are having this pain and confusion because you don’t know what road to be on. When you decide that, you will have a goal to work towards, and it will be easier. (It still pains me to think about what he did/risked, but I know my path and I am dedicated to making it work, so I pull myself back to today, dust myself off and keep walking.)
      Hugs to you!

  • RobbedOfTrust

    My turn. 🙁
    Ten days ago I found out my husband of 4 years has been having an affair with a woman for the past 3. After only a year of marriage, he met a MARRIED woman on his bus route to work & they hit it off, started sitting together daily, sharing confidences & then riding in to town together to have sex in the back of her Rav every Thursday. They called in sick for their jobs once & stayed the day in a hotel room she rented, having sex & laying in each other’s arms. They bought a disposable cell phone for him so they could talk/text without being caught. They have been saying, “I love you” to each other for 3 years an average of twice a day (one hour bus ride & text all day).
    My husband has been leaving an hour early for work every day, saying he catches a quick nap on the job site in the mornings (lies).
    Sooo, I caught them by confronting him about chewing tobacco (“tell me the truth about what you’ve been doing because I already know”). He confessed to the affair instead of the chew. Holy crap! 🙁
    Since he told me, I made him call the woman’s poor husband and tell him. Also, I have more details than is probably healthy–he answers my questions, and I’ve had a million. He has quit riding the bus with her, now goes to an entirely different park & ride. Threw the f*** phone into the river. Doesn’t ever want to speak to or see her again, started going to therapy & a 12 step program, has signed a postnuptial agreement to try to convince me to stay with him, etc …
    But yet. Still.
    I hate him. I thought we were so happy together. We climbed mountains together, hiked hundreds of miles, road trips, got along amazingly, great sex up until he started doing her (then a decrease in quality/quantity) …
    I’m going through all the nightmarish things you women are–if only I was prettier, had a fancy job, sophisticated, flat abs … Where did I go wrong? Why did he do this? Can I ever trust him, believe him, again? Did he *ever* love me? Do I *want* him back? Can I afford to leave him? How will it affect my teenaged daughter who adores him (she doesn’t know)? Could I arrange his death & make it look like an accident? And hers?
    How do you know if they’re sincere when they claim they’ll change? How can we trust that? And do we ever get over the betrayal to learn to trust them again without having to babysit/check on them again?
    How am I going to go through Christmas pretending to be ok to our friends & family?

    I really hate this. I m heartbroken–he was my dream man *I thought*. I feel so robbed of my time, innocence, naivete, love. How long until I even START to feel better?

    • Jo Ann

      Robbed, so sorry you’re going through this. Your feelings are exactly the way most of us felt/feel. As stated on many of these posts, focus on you and your daughter. Don’t worry about him or his feelings. It’s time to be selfish. You will feel better, it takes time. It’ll happen slowly but it will happen. His job is to get his ass into counseling and be there to support whatever you require at any given moment and until….! Even doing all that work will not guarantee him that you will keep him but he has to do it anyway. It’s been 4 years and 4 months, we didn’t share with our adult kids, family or friends. I think that may have been harder because there was no one to lean on, but for us it was the best option. Our marriage is good now. Oh don’t think I don’t have days and still ask questions . Occasionally feelings of insecurity creep in and we talk through that . I know he loves me with all his heart….. now. I can’t belive he did if he let that continue for over a decade. I can’t dwell on that because even God can’t change the past. You’ll know if it’s worth saving and that may take you time, lots of time . Take care of you first, then your daughter. Lots of great advice posted in this forum, from some very strong women . Hugs

    • Claire

      Hang on in there is the best advice I was given by my little sister. Remember, if he’s desperate to put things right, it’s you who has the choices now. Not him ! It’s now just over 5 months ago that I found out about my husbands affairs if which there has been two very short term, purely fur sex, and one that lasted a total of 3, years, on and off. He also told her he loved her and would leave me for her although he says he had no intention of doing so. And as he never did I have to believe him. It does get easier with time but at the moment there isn’t a day that goes by when I forget. A goos book to read is called State if Affairs by Ester Perez. It explains the different angles of affairs from each person involved, and I found it very enlightening, as men clearly think differently to women. But most importantly look after yourself

    • Lisa

      I am 10 months out almost, and I would say a few months before I started to noticeably feel better for any amount of time.
      It comes in increments, a few minutes here and there. Then I thought, wow! I made it for an hour and didn’t think about it once!
      Now, if I think about it, the pain is diminished, more of a dull ache than a sharp pain.
      Your husband’s actions will let you know – it sounds like he is off to a good start. The phone in the water and no contact is a
      good sign.
      I used to check up on my husband all of the time- but the truth is, if he wanted to keep it from me, he could. New phone, secret
      meetings or something. I don’t check on him anymore. I trust that he has learned his lesson, and doesn’t want to be the selfish, lying, lowlife he was being. I know my husband better than anyone on this earth, and I know he is worth saving. The thought of him learning this lesson at my expense, and being the perfect mate for some other girl would not sit well with me.
      This has shined a spotlight on his behavior – you need to take a good look and decide what you want. Is this the excuse you were
      looking for to ditch this loser? Or, is this the tragic circumstances that will make him see that he doesn’t want to lose you, and you don’t want to lose him? 10 days out is way too early to answer all of that – but keep it in mind. Process everything! Work through all of the
      pain, hurt, questions, anger, everything – you will come out on the other side stronger and with more clarity for your situation.
      Good luck friend! – Hugs!

    • Sv

      Robbedoftrust, All these strong survivors have given you excellent advice. We all have/are feeling your pain. It will get better. The pain will not be this intense forever. I am 6 Months out and can’t believe how much better I feel. This week my daughter broke up with her boyfriend of 6 years whom we all loved, treated as family, and expected her to marry. She planned to as well. The pain I am feeling for her as I watch her heart break is greater than the pain I feel from the affair at this point which is a huge sign of my healing. 6 months ago I couldn’t have felt anything but my own pain. Life goes on.

      I will add that it’s normal to feel that your marriage was a lie and that you were unloved during the affair. Through hours and hours of counseling and introspection I am at the point where I say bullxxxx! My life was real. My memories were real. My husband loved me in his f’ed up broken souled way. I would say the best his weak self could. That being said, the affair was the lie. That was not a real life or legitimate relationship or one he truly wanted or he would have chosen it rather than hide it and her in shame. She chose to accept sloppy seconds and scraps of time form a man who refused to give her what she wanted. (My life). I take joy knowing how humiliated and ridiculous she must feel now. Anyway, my point is to work hard to reclaim your memories whether you stay married or not. They happened and they were real!

      • RobbedOfTrust

        Oh SV, thank you! I’m getting a little more clarity every day, and what you said about their “relationship” being the one that wasn’t real life is what I’m just realizing. It was helpful to read it from another *real* partner. I had a good day yesterday–obsessed all day, but I didn’t fall apart even once. Today isn’t quite as good–weird anxiety, tight chest–but I’m trying to just ride through it & stay sane. I’m hating the hypervigilance, the anxiety … but hanging in here. I can’t imagine ever trusting my husband again at all, but who knows. I’m trying to give it time. Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories–it really helps to know I’m not alone and what I’m feeling is somewhat normal in this situation.

        • Sv

          Robbed, keep putting one foot in front if the other. Try to do something for yourself everyday, I wrote many things to the horrible woman after finding out, but the one line that knocked it out of the park and the one I told myself every morning for months was “ I was apparently in a long war for my husband and never knew it, therefore I never drew a sword and I still slayed your ass”. Remember, your marriage like all had problems. I am sure you bickered from time to time all the while she was feeding his ego with how wonderful he was and he STILL never left for her. Think of how pathetic she must feel.

          • Lisa

            Oh SV, you are a gem 🙂 I read your quote out loud to my husband. It made me cry. 🙂
            You are spot on!!!!! I adore you and your amazing perspective. Thank you for being a
            part of this forum – it helps so much! 🙂

          • Sv

            Lisa,
            Thank you! I couldn’t be where I am now without this forum and your strength in blazing the trail before me. I have learned so much and gained so much strength form you! Hope we are all finding peace and joy this season!

      • GiraSol

        I also want to thank SV for the perspective that the affair was the lie, your life with your husband was real. I am just over 2 weeks out, and I walk around in a daze – passing romantic restaurants we ate at while the affair was going on, our son’s first day of preschool and the affair had just started. All of these apparently happy family memories are just so tainted now. In my heart I know that he compartmentalized the weird rendezvous (which were sexting/video sex and meet-ups in parking lots just to fondle her breasts) and our life was the happy, real life I thought I was experiencing (though clearly very incomplete). I know that, but I can’t feel it or believe it right now. I hope someday I will. I do have hope that soon-ish I can stop looking back and start to look forward. Hope comes from the fact that he has exposed all of his inner soul, turmoil, and insecurities. We have shared more in the last 2 weeks than the last 6 years of marriage. He is fighting hard for us to work through this, even though I have no fight in me right now. I am just trying to make it through each minute, each day for my kids.
        I also want to comment on what MA mentioned, about having passionate sex. Well, my intentions to move back into intimacy slowly didn’t hold. We have had amazing connections over sex. Not what I expected, but I understand this is pretty typical. And we are both really enjoying, so I suppose its healthy right now. Though I have been on a roller-coaster of emotions. Beyond depressed one day, angry and paranoid beyond belief the next, then feeling loving and more peaceful the next, and often all mixed together. It is so, so hard. Thanks for listening!

        • Claire

          Hang on in there, but I felt it was me trying to save our marriage not my husband, so your husband doing so is great. I now know he didn’t because he was so ashamed, which he admitted at our counselling session. The guilt, shame and humiliation was too much for him to cope with, so much so he’s on anti depressants. But as each day goes by, the pain does ease, but I don’t beleive I’ll ever forget. But learning to forgive him is part of the healing process, more for me than him. I. Know I’m not ready to forgive yet though, but am hopeful it’ll happen one day

      • Elizabeth

        I’m 9 months out and still feel as though the years my husband was in a relationship with another woman he loved were all a lie. I still feel I was in a bubble of the happily ever after I thought our 30+ years together represented. How can I stop feeling all the bad stuff? How can I forget all the images, professions of love and sex he had with the ow? Ive been trying. I finally started taking antidepressants and an only hope that will help. Ive tried so hard. My husband was everything to me and I cant feel that way anymore still. He tells me I’m his everything and nothing else matters to him. But all I can think of is that is how he feels now. Again. But that is only because after 3.5 years she was done with him and ended it. Then he had a breakdown and told me. Now I’m his everything again.

        • Sv

          Elizabeth, try changing the narrative in your head. Why would his life with her be real and the life you two shared be the lie? He hid her in shame. She was the lie. You were the real deal. I don’t think my life during of all of the years of my husband’s affair as a lie, but rather real with a husband doing horrible things. That’s on him. I lived and I loved. I can’t control what he does when he leaves the house or when we are not together. He was obviously doing terrible things, but it does not negate what we shared. The only thing I struggle with now is knowing what he is capable of doing or at least was capable of doing for so long. It’s a character flaw that I was not aware of. 6 months out and it is getting easier to forgive little by little. As I see him work to be a better man and as my pain eases the anger is slowly leaving too. Your life was not a lie even though he lied to you or omitted things he had been doing.

    • RobbedOfTrust

      Well, I’m now a little more than 2 1/2 weeks out and I can make it through about 30 seconds at a time without thinking about it. Not great, but better than I was. This morning my husband & I went to the old bus stop they would meet at to confront her (I insisted). I couldn’t help it–I was obsessed with seeing her, seeing them interact. I know this backfires on the wife sometimes, but I can definitely say I feel a little better now.
      The other woman is the *exact* opposite of me. She is tall, thin to the point of looking weak, 11 years older than I and looks it, dark skin, cheaply dyed frizzy black hair (her scalp is stained, even), sunken in features, tiny knife-blade lips, large hook nose, bad late ’70’s makeup, sullen, trying to look polished & expensive but not even coming close to K-Marche Chic … I am fairly petite but strong (mountaineer), large features, blonde, always smiling & laughing (until now) … and I don’t know WHAT my husband was thinking?!?? It would have served him right if I had just thrown him to her & left–he was appalled when he saw her again, next to me, with her hard looks & rudeness. 🙂
      So, immediately she tried to deny the affair this morning. Huh??? She had told my husband to deny it when I found out, also, but he didn’t. When she finally admitted it, she said it was all my husband’s fault. I told them both that it was 50/50 … she is married & cheated on her dh, my husband is married & cheated on his wife. This woman knew we were married, have kids & she did it anyway, wanted to keep doing it even when dh quit. I’m afraid we haven’t heard the last of her–she was in denial & acted sort of psychotic–but we shall see. My husband told her again that it was all BS, none of the crap that was said between them was real, that it was all based on lies & deception from the very beginning, that they had only used each other, that she needed to move on & get help, that he would never choose her over his family & he couldn’t believe that he had jeopardized his marriage to be in an empty affair with her, etc. I hope she doesn’t pull a Glenn Close act. I found out that she had done a little stalking on me to find out what I drive, etc. I’m sort of creeped out.
      So my husband has still been going to therapy, 12 step meetings, found God, has recommitted himself to our family & is trying to save himself. All very impressive, but I’m not going to be a fool. I have no idea how long he’ll work on himself, if he’ll make real changes, if I can forgive him, etc. In the postnuptial, if I will remain married to him now, I get 100% of everything if he cheats again. Which is great, but I don’t know if I could live with getting hit with another DD. I’m still having a hard time getting through the day, have anxiety, depressed, obsessed, no trust … and I don’t see my feelings changing any time soon. I’m trying to take care of myself, get plenty of exercise, pretend to be ok in front of the kids, move through the days waiting for time to heal.
      This forum is helping me so much. It’s a terrible club to be in, but knowing there are other women here that *understand* is a HUGE help. I wish I could just reach out & hug every one of you … we’re all going to make it through one way or the other, right? 🙂

      • Lisa

        Here is a huge *HUG* back to you!
        I remember how all consuming it is in the beginning, but it gets better with time. I am almost 10 months out, and I began a few months ago thinking about other people again – it hit my like a ton of bricks. I was so consumed with surviving that situation, that I had really not been able to before that. I felt liberated.

        The holidays have become a bit more difficult, so we have talked about it more than usual, but in a level headed and really not very emotionally charged way. I still think about it, but it’s more like 10% of my day, instead of 99% of my day.

        I love my life now, and the husband I have now.

        I am slightly jealous that you were able to meet her face to face and hear your husband say those things to her. I had no
        such luck – and she still thinks my husband loves her, just not as much as he loves me. That kills me. He never loved her.
        And in hindsight, he can see what a selfish, homewrecker she was and doesn’t even like her now. I am happy that all went
        as well as it did, good for you!
        You could totally live through another D day – because your path would be clear. He has this one chance to make it right – to redeem himself. You will survive this. We find strength that we didn’t know we had, and that knowledge will get us through anything that comes up in the future. You both have work to do, it is not an easy road, but stick with it. I had a few times along the way that would have been very easy to say “this is too painful, or too hard” and called it quits. But we kept moving forward, we knew the path was there, we just had to keep walking. Things are amazing now, and I don’t want to jinx it, but I am so happy. Meditation, and trying to stay present have helped a lot. My husband can’t change the crappy husband he felt justified being before, but he can redeem himself and be the husband he knows I deserve now.
        Good luck! Hugs!

  • MA

    Three weeks ago I stumbled upon evidence of my husband’s affair. Over the last three weeks I have combed through bank statements and demanded answers. Turns out the affair was about a year and a half long with his manager (he’s the director and promoted her about 6 months ago UGH!!!). Even worse is that I too work with my husband and have offered up this woman advice on excelling in her career meanwhile she’s been screwing my husband!!! It’s been a torturous rollercoaster because I not only discovered the affair I have discovered that he leased a condo and even left our home for two months to explore this relationship further all the while telling me he needed alone time to think about our marriage – alone in corporate housing – yeah right!!! I’m angry, I’m broken and I feel incredibly violated.

    He’s extremely remorseful. He’s disgusted with himself and we are both in individual counseling as well as couples therapy. We are trying to make it work although we both have moments of doubt …writing that even hurts 🙁

    I still love him dearly. My heart is absolutely shattered.

    The craziest part of this all is that whenever I launch into a question frenzy for affair details we end up having passionate sex. Like better than ever sex. More often than ever sex. I find myself having this new sexual thirst for him and it really messes with me because I feel I shouldn’t feel this way. So many women end up in disgust or make their husbands work their way back. I’m in this fever. My friend told me it’s because I have a desire for feeling wanted by him and I also want to secure he doesn’t fulfill his needs elsewhere. I can see that.

    While his affair was on him and not me ultimately – I did have a role honestly. I stopped having sex with my husband. When I did, I treated it like a chore and we lost the “desire” …”the spark”. My friends warned me but I took marriage for granted.

    Anyone else get this new sexual desire for their cheating spouse?? I find myself performing as if I’m the other woman now…..it’s incredibly satisfying and connecting us more. Anyone else out there feeling the same?

    • GiraSol

      Hi MA – I totally get the fervor. I’m a week+ out and we aren’t having sex, but I am thinking about it constantly. I feel like a teenager, and am having ridiculous fantasies and apparently my libido is back (as it went WAY down after kids). I’m holding off because we have a lot to get through, and he is in total agreement (he is still sleeping on the sofa, and left the house for a few days at my request). We are just starting these deep, intense hugs. But, I totally get it. I don’t know, but I’m feeling pretty good about it. I actually just booked a boudoir photo session just for myself, complete with hair and makeup.
      But one thing I do plan to do is talk with our therapist about the best way to approach intimacy again in a healthy way – for us the big issue was lack of communication. So I don’t want to embark on intimacy without it, and we (uh, he) is working on that diligently now.
      The why behind why I am (and maybe you are) feeling so sexual is of course likely because I have this innate desire to keep my man. The other reason is that we are talking more about life than we ever have.
      As many have said here (and I have read on a million blogs), do what is right for you.

    • Lisa

      Yes, MA! It is very common for that to happen. After I decided that I was going to stay and try to work things out, we had AMAZING sex
      all of the time. We are almost 10 months out from D-day, and it is still frequent and amazing! It is part of the healing and bonding for both of us. The sooner the better in my opinion. Thank God that is the category we find ourselves in. 🙂
      It is not your fault that you didn’t want to have sex or it was a chore – that is SO understandable and common. It was HIS responsibility
      to say to you, “I am thinking about cheating, something needs to change”. If you had that information, I bet you would have tried to figure
      it out. Not giving you that choice, and betraying you instead is ALL on him.
      No judgement, follow your heart. You will know what is right for you. I wish you lots of awesome time together – finding your marriage
      2.0 – the next chapter – the way you want/need it to be. Out of the ashes can rise the phoenix, ours is beautiful and fulfilling- it is a marathon, not a sprint. Be kind to yourself 🙂

      • MA

        Your post made me cry. This is most definitely a journey of highs and lows. I wrote the post on a high and right now I’m at a low. Reality is they still work together and I’m nauseated about their interaction today. Especially since they are “in love”….it’s been one month since I found out. I still feel incredibly betrayed every day since she’s still in our lives….in his life.

        Yet…lol….I’m a teenager with intense sexual desire ….what a journey! It’s exhausting!

        • Lisa

          Hello MA, I have been thinking about your circumstances. The enemy to my marriage worked in the same building, but not
          directly with my husband. Just the thought of them bumping into each other in the hallway (which happened a few times), was enough to trigger me over and over and over. I could not move on with my life. The enemy has lost her job, and I can’t tell you how much lower my stress is daily. In my opinion, there is NO WAY for you to truly heal if they work together. One of them needs to find another job, and it should be her. I know it sounds heartless, but I would put it this way to him “one of you is going to find another job, or i will report you both and you can both lose your jobs.” I know that is not practical, but they created this situation, and they need to fix it to make it as easy on you as possible. There is no way she should be rewarded for being a homewrecker.
          I am happy that you have found the teenage desire, it is a gift. I thought I lost my mojo and wasn’t interested in sex at all. Turns out, I was depressed because of the state of my marriage, and I thought my husband didn’t love me anymore. No wonder I had shut down. But then, after this stupid situation, I also was super turned on, and the flood gates opened! I was relieved, that I wasn’t broken. There is a Gottman Method program, and they talk about the 3 things you need to get through this – Atonement, Attunement and Attachment – You are already practicing the Attachment part 🙂
          Hugs from a sister in the struggle.

  • GiraSol

    Hello – I am grateful for finding this venue with stories and comments from those that have gone through what I am now. One week ago today my husband of only 6 years sat me down and revealed that for over three years (actually almost four) he has been sexting and occasional meet-ups with a former colleague. They never had sex and apparently, he never let them kiss (crazily, that was a line for him). The meet-ups were about every-other month in the car with her. I have an extremely small chest, and, well, he was apparently obsessed with her and she just let him have at it.
    He is extremely remorseful and now truthful about everything. Over the week I have all the gory details and he has offered all the information I want including complete and ongoing computer and phone access, phone records, and we went over a detailed timeline. He is beyond sorry and immediately scheduled a therapist for himself and, when I agreed, a marriage counselor which we started last week.
    Ironically, we have talked more about our marriage in these days than our entire marriage. I can’t help but have hope that he can, that we can, uncover the deep issues here and basically have a re-birth. That said, I am absolutely beyond angry and hurt and have had no filter in telling him exactly what he has done and really throwing it all in his face. I feel like last week I was just trying to piece it together and keep it together in front of our kids (almost 3 and 5 years old…just babies). But yesterday the anger took prominence and I told him to get out and I still don’t want him in the house. It’s just too hard being mom while I’m absolutely seething and having him there.
    A question for anyone in this group is about telling friends or family. In my heart of hearts I think we will likely stay together if he can over the coming months/year get where he needs to be. So sharing this extremely shameful information just doesn’t feel right at the present. However, the holidays are coming up and the plan is to go cross-country to my parents for 1+ week. I right now can’t see how he can go. And I can’t be there alone and not tell my sister and my mom. I’m just very torn about the benefits of sharing – it doesn’t feel quite right.
    Thanks for listening!

    • Jo Ann

      We are 4 plus years out from DD. When I found out that my husband have been cheating for over 16 years of our marriage (40 years with this “woman” total), we were only a few weeks out from our daughter’s wedding. So we had to keep a lid on it. I refused to let his choices ruin their day. After years of counseling and talking through things, we’re doing fine. Never told the kids nor family and I’m glad we didn’t . For us it was the best choice . You need to do what works the best for you though. I did join a forum called surviving infidelity. It has thousands of members and so many topics. It helped so much. It was lacking in the area of long term affairs (10 plus years that I was looking for) and that’s how I ended up here. One day at a time, take care of you first.

      • GiraSol

        Thanks, Jo Ann – I appreciate your experience. Its amazing how every day, every minute, I feel different. I am absolutely doing what I feel at the time, which has been working so far. I have found more peace this week than I did last week, so hopeful that with a lot (a lot) of time, therapy, etc. I will be just fine.

    • Lisa

      Almost 10 months out, I am VERY happy that the pool of people who know is small. My sister, and my best friend were the only ones I told. I went on a trip 4 weeks out, and had a breakdown basically in front of my father, and felt I had to tell him. He has been supportive and it hasn’t been a problem. My sister is very forgiving too, especially since I have forgiven my husband. My friend on the other hand, she doesn’t understand me staying and our once close friendship has faded. It depends on the person, but I encourage you to find at least one friend/family member to talk to. The others, it’s none of their business and you could create a story ahead of time about something that makes you sad (look to the news and you’ll have your pick). Or just that you are feeling under the weather.
      One week out is crazy early – I was still a puddle – but my children live in the same home as me, and they don’t know. The people where I work don’t know, because I kept it together when I had to. And if I didn’t, I had a different story to tell them.
      Being there for a full week, there is no chance that they won’t know something is up – would they be forgiving of him, if that is where your heart is? In a few weeks, you may even want to bring him along. Things change from day to day, and you will feel better and better, if he is really working on it, and is truly remorseful, then there is no reason you can’t have an even more connected, more fulfilling marriage 2.0. Good luck to you!!

  • Erin

    My husband of 14 years revealed he’s been having an affair for 3 years. We have 3 children 19,14,11. He seemed remorseful at first only to realize he never stopped the affair. He has since asked for divorce (10 weeks after telling me about affair) He said he was searching for something and found it. She is married as week with a son.

    • Lisa

      Hello Erin,

      I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your husband sounds like a selfish A-hole. The quicker you can forgive him, and move on the better. I know you have invested so much, but don’t invest any more. Men are stupid, and thinking he will be happy and find what he wants with a person who is willing to have an affair in the first place is crazy talk. Wherever he goes, there he is (and that woman is broken too). There is nothing you could have done, and it isn’t your fault. There is something wrong with him, not you.
      You need to pick up the pieces and figure out what is next. He is not reliable, or worth the effort, so figure out how to make yourself happy. Your kids are old enough to help you. You deserve the very best, and that guy wasn’t it.
      Big hugs to you!

    • CC

      Sorry Erin – Sometimes I wonder, would it be easier if my SO wanted to leave me for the other women, maybe because I would have answers to my questions or some kind of weird understanding as to why he could have done this to our family. Like Lisa said, you deserve the very best and your POS does not deserve your time any longer. Starting over of course is never easy and you will have rough days, but as time goes on it gets easier. You will never forget but forgiveness offers you health, happiness and inner peace. You will need to forgive, not to let that POS off the hook, but to give yourself peace. Forgiveness is your gift to yourself! XOX

      • Erin

        I’ve never experienced so much hurt, it’s just so hard to wrap my brain around 3 years of lies. When it all came out, of course I was in total shock and panic mode. Of course I said a lot of crazy things. While he took most of that ok,
        he then said it just got too much and he shut down. Several weeks after, this lady contacted me that the two of them were still rather engaged in the affair. He won’t talk to me and is upset because I’m trying to get the house. He says it’s all about revenge

  • Jo Ann

    Wow! Just wow! Your discriorion if the pain is spot on. Our stories all vary, but our pain is the same. I’m 4 years out but can recall DD like it was yesterday. It gets better, much better. The looking back will always happen but it’s farther between. Our relationship is good, but so different. One day at a time, Take care of you.

  • K

    5 years.
    I found out one night. I had fallen asleep on the couch watching Netflix, woke up when he was asleep. I had the temptation to go to his computer. His computer was unlocked. I shook the mouse and his Facebook page showed up. I looked at his messages, particularly with his one female “friend”, also his ex girlfriend.
    What I found had shocked me and sickened me to my very core. He was in a full blown relationship with her! So many… “I love you” “I miss you” “thinking of you” “take me for a ride tonight?” Sexual pictures, messages, pet names..
    I had a full blown panic attack, it felt as if I was being crushed and drowning. My heart was racing, it felt as if it must be a bad dream. I copy and pasted some of their messages to each other and sent it to my own Facebook as a definitive proof for when he denied it and would try and gaslight me.
    I remember I had to crawl up the stairs to my bedroom where he was sleeping, trying my best to slowly breathe, because the pain was so heavy. Traumatizing.
    When I got to the bedroom I turned on the light, took off my engagement ring and threw it at him. I said “I am NOT going to be married to you, I HATE you!” He looked so confused and shocked by what I was saying. I said “I won’t sleep tonight because of what I found out, and I’ll be damned if I just sit in my pain while you sleep peacefully! You don’t get to sleep either.”
    I told him I had found out about his affair with this friend of his. He at first was calm and denied it “no no no, that’s not what you think.” Until I told him I had copy and pasted some of their messages to my own Facebook from his.
    He couldn’t deny it after that.
    I yelled at him, I cried, I was so angry, I told him I hated him and how disgusting and despicable he was for doing that.
    He had told me “you can hit me if it will help you feel better..” which of course I didn’t because I would never do that to anyone.
    I wish he would have just punched me in the face.. I would rather get beat up multiple times then of had to live through this betrayal.
    He ended up admitting a lot, that it had been going on since day 1 of us dating. That he was planning to “wean himself off of her” *shudder* how disgusting. He said it was never physically sexual, and so he didn’t really see what he was doing was cheating.
    Although that’s clearly an excuse and bullsh** because he had stated previous “weaning himself off” which implies he knew exactly what he was doing was wrong. It was also very sexual, the messages and pictures I saw between them, it’s something that couldn’t be denied. Whether or not it was ONLY emotional or ONLY physical doesn’t matter in the face of the pain you feel from being betrayed by someone you had allowed yourself to share a life with, be vulnerable to, to love and trust.
    So many memories are tainted, your mind gets constantly plagued by flashbacks of things he had said in the past, how it was all lies. Everything was a lie. How could you let yourself be deceived like that you will think. You may even wonder what you did to deserve it.
    It was all his own doing, it was not my fault he chose to do the disgusting things he did, to lie, manipulate, gaslight for years. That’s on him. That wasn’t hard for me to grasp.
    The harder part for me was that I allowed myself to be deceived for so long when I had a hunch of what was going on for a long time, but took his words at face value. I wanted to believe him, and so I did. That made me feel humiliated.
    This woman.. she is “polyamorous”. For anyone who doesn’t know what that is.. it basically means that they are not “monogamus”, but the opposite. I had always knew this and because of her sexual affiliation always had in the back of my mind that she had still loved him and he loved her.
    He had explained it before to me that they were toxic in a relationship with each other, he was monogamus and because she wasn’t they wouldn’t work out.
    Boy was that a big lie. Turns out he is polyamorous as well! He had completely lied to me about who he REALLY is.. it’s the same as if finding out your partner is gay and has been having an affair the whole time.
    Our relationship was just for looks. Not truly deep or intimate in any way, he never really invested his heart in mine. He was just a VERY good liar..
    I had messaged this woman very nicely and told her I knew what was going on and that they had to sever ties effective immediately. She had told me that I need to find out what being “poly” means for him and to try not to fix him, that she loves him so much and she asked me to please take care of him in her absence.
    Ouch.
    The last message she sent me was “asking a favour.. if after counselling you feel you trust him enough to let me back into his life..”
    I didn’t reply to that. I was just baffled that she would say any of those things.
    He did indeed cut off ties, provided me with the freedom to ask to see his texts and Facebook messages whenever I requested it ( he was also messaging his other female “friends” and called them beautiful, sexy, that he misses and loves them ) he has an individual councillor, as well as we have a couples therapist.
    Sure, he apologized, he took those steps I told him must happen. I don’t forgive him. I don’t know if I will ever forgive him. Maybe I can forgive myself, after all forgiveness is for me and not for him.
    “I don’t hate you, I don’t trust you and I don’t forgive you. But I believe in you.”
    Some moments I do have hope, most moments it’s despair though. Truly a long suffering. I feel stuck. Alone.
    They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.. but maybe it just makes us ever more stupid for wasting our time with these people who have no respect for our lives.
    It’s been 3 weeks since I found this out.
    I don’t know what I’m going to do. And I may not know for a long time and that’s okay I guess. I just wish I could run away and hide from the crushing pain.
    I know that’s not possible unfortunately. Trauma is not something easily lived with.
    One day at a time..
    I’m sure no one will read this.. but it was nice to put it out there.

    • Sv

      K, many will read this and many will empathize. Your pain has been felt by all of us. 3 weeks post discovery I was still crying more than NoT crying and couldn’t think straight enough to finish a coherent thought. I promise you though, with time, the pain becomes bearable. It’s like that pain scale you see in an emerigency room… 1-10. For weeks my pain was at least a 12. Then one day I woke up and I could eat a few bites so I rated it about a 10. With more time it would bounce around all day from say a 7-10, but it kept getting better. My MC said that about 6 months in is when trauma healing usually takes a big leap towards healing. I am now at the 6 month mark and I really think he was spot on for me. The pain is still there, but MUCH less intense. It averages about a 3-4 and rarely exceeds a 5 level. I can go days without feeling much pain at all. Hope this helps! Hang in there. Regardless of your decision, time will help. In the meantime, do things for yourself everyday. Take a hot bath, drink the expensive wine, get a massage, watch a silly movie, play with children, literally anything to distract you And To enjoy the good in the world. It’s to you.

    • ZoeIsPissed

      Hi K
      I feel your pain. Trust is something that has to be built over years and to see the evidence of betrayal and have it all come crashing onto you is truly traumatic and changes everything about your relationship. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
      I can relate entirely, as I found out almost 4 months ago, right after my 20th anniversary, that my husband had had two affairs that spanned at least 4 years. I suspected one of them, even though he gaslighted the hell out of me over it – but had no clue about the other one. The first few months after discovery were a weepy blur. At first I was just in shock. then I became almost clingy with him- afraid I would lose everything we’d worked so hard for- our intact family, our home.
      Then a few weeks ago, things changed. The sadness left and the anger took over and finally, last weekend, I asked him to leave for a few weeks to give me space to figure things out. I found it very difficult to take care of my own needs and figure out what I needed while he was here. I’m still confused, conflicted and full of back and forth feelings, and it was damn hard to tell my teenage kids that we needed this (they really didn’t see it coming since my husband and I generally get along and were pretty loving and all that before I found out). But this was a good first step.
      We are in counseling, which helps, and I have my own therapist as well. All I can say is that you should listen to yourself and your needs. You may need a few weeks off from him, or you may not. You may decide it can work or that it’s not worth all the pain. I’m still in that place- he swears he wants to change and become a better man and husband. Even if he were perfect in that sense, could I ever truly trust him? Are the memories of the years of betrayal, the way he has now rewritten our history for me, something I can live with? I’m not sure. It’s a painful journey, but, as you said, you make it through one day at a time. There is no right or wrong move. Hang in there and trust this takes time and that it’s a journey. Good luck!

    • Grace

      My fiancé also carried on an online cyber sex relationship with a woman who is polygamous. She absolutely knew we were monogamous but that didn’t stop her. They unfortunately also met twice to mess around, they didn’t have sex thank god but it was close. It’s been almost 5 months since my dday and we’re trying to work on this relationship and hope to be married one day. The pain does get better, it really does and if he’s remorseful giving him a second chance is something you can choose to do. My fiancé is working hard now to regain my trust and show me this was a series of horrible choices he made because of something missing in him. He has since been diagnosed as a sex addict and is working a 12 step as well. Hang in there, take it one day at a time. Try to live in the present and not let bad choices of the past consume you. Easier said than done believe me I know but it is possible.

    • Lisa

      K – You have been heard. And you have found a group of loving and wise women who understand completely.
      The first few months are such a rollercoaster of emotions, that it is hard to imagine you will ever feel better,
      ever trust him again, ever trust yourself, etc. If he is truly remorseful and works hard, and you want to, there
      is no reason you can’t have a closer, more attuned, fulfilling, relationship 2.0. Not all men are worth the effort. You have
      to determine if yours is. Mine was, and we are doing wonderfully 9 months out. Our 2.0 is amazing, and
      I am loving it. There are times where it bothers me a bit, but I try to be present and grateful for what I have
      now, not get lost in the past.
      You however are so close to D day, that is not possible yet. You will be obsessed
      with thinking about it. That is to be expected. You have a lot of thinking to do. Work through everything,
      ask all of your questions (but shy away from the dirty details, you have seen enough of his betrayal in writing, you don’t
      need more.) You need to eventually forgive him, whether you stay with him or not. That is for you also. Holding on
      to this event will do nothing but teather you to it. You need to work through it to get through it. Be kind to yourself,
      you were supposed to trust him, you were in a relationship with him. I was supposed to trust my husband, that doesn’t
      make me gullible because he took advantage of that. That makes him an A-hole, and me the person who assumed the
      best in her mate. 🙂
      Also, he is not “Poly” if all involved parties were not in on that fact. He was a cheater. There is
      a BIG difference. The enemy to your relationship is so full of herself. Holy moly. Don’t talk to her anymore if you can
      help it. This event will test your strength, and make you face some serious questions. But you will come out on the other
      side, with clarity and purpose, no matter which way it goes. You will feel better, it will get better, slowly, but it will. The
      more you practice forgiveness, the more you will be able to let it go, and work on what is next. If you hold on to what
      he did and let it fester, and think about the specifics obsessively, and stay in the past, you will not progress. But that is
      up to you when you are ready for that.
      I can talk about my husband’s betrayal, and not cry now. And I am slightly grateful for the experience, as it has cleaved us together,
      with a closeness we have never had before, I have lost and kept off 35 lbs, and most of all, we are both committed to making
      our second chance wonderful for each other.
      Good luck to you,
      Lisa

  • Zoe

    Hi All,
    I found out in August, shortly after our 20th anniversary, that my husband had been having an affair with an old high school “crush” that he had reconnected with about 5 years ago. She lives in our hometown- about 6 hours away, which he managed to visit a few times a year to “spend time with his mother.” He says he only slept with her 4 times but they definitely hung out/ made out more times than that. Mostly, it seems, this was an emotional affair, with a lot of texting and phone conversations. Previous to this affair he also hooked up with a co-worker a couple of times, tho he swears he didn’t sleep with her. At one point the two affairs even overlapped. I always suspected the long term affair but had no clue about the work colleague until he told me. When I confronted him, multiple times over the years, about how uncomfortable I was about the “private friendship” he had with this woman I had never met, he would flip the script and make it about my “insecurities” and that I never really trusted him. So, he basically gaslighted me. This summer, after he visited in May and again, saw her, I kept asking questions, he actually got angry at me for asking him to end this “friendship.” He didn’t come clean about this until we started couples therapy and I basically dragged it out of him, telling him that if he didn’t tell me the truth, I would assume he was having an affair with her. He told me he had, but he had broken off the physical part about a year ago, until “she kissed me” when he down there visiting with her at his mother’s house (yes, he invited her there for a friendly visit).
    At first, he didn’t want to talk about the affairs- he wanted to talk about what a frigid, cold, unloving wife I was for so many years. He thought our marriage was over and that we were basically headed for divorce. True, things between us were rough, and at one point I had asked him to move out for a while because I couldn’t take his explosive temper and moodiness any longer, but our teenage daughter was having a mental health crisis and needed both of us so that didn’t last long.
    At first when he finally came clean I was devastated, depressed and actually kind of clingy, worried I would lose him and everything we have together- our home, our family. That lasted a few months until I went on an antidepressant. Now I am just pissed off. I can’t let go of the f***ed up things he did to me during the time of the affair: he gaslighted me, he took our kids camping with her and her kid (even thought I told him I was not comfortable with this and asked him not to), he even introduced me to her as his “friend” at a small social gathering last Thanksgiving. That was the moment I knew for sure he was cheating; I could tell just by the way he looked at her. She couldn’t look me in the eye and avoided me most of the time.
    He has always had a lot of women friends and been very flirtatious with them. He’s also had a lot of private friendships with women that I haven’t been invited into. Even before the affairs. Now he says he wants me and only me. He wants to change. He is willing to give up all of those friendships and to change his behavior. After some months of therapy he has begun to see how f***ed up and selfish his behavior was towards me. He is starting to feel real remorse now. I am glad for this, but still so hurt.
    Last night I asked him to move out for a while, to give me space to grieve and think about things. I had wanted to avoid this, since we have teenage kids at home and I didn’t want them to have to be in the middle of all this, but I am so angry and upset that it’s hard to be with him. I feel disgusted by his behavior and it feels painful just to be around him at times. He’s feeling insecure and upset with me about this request, though he is going to honor it and move out for a few weeks.
    I feel like I am on a roller coaster that won’t stop. I want to reconcile with him but I know things will never be the same. He will never be the man I married, the one I would always be able to trust.
    My question is: how and when did you reach clarity on what you wanted? How did you know if you could work it out or if you should move on? I feel terrible about putting my kids through this separation and I want it to be meaningful.
    Thank you for any advice.

    • Cat

      It’s such a difficult thing to live through. The deceit and lies that have been told. The double life and the feeling of “how can he have ever truly loved me?”
      I’ve been going through this for six months and the roller coaster is terrible.

      I think your husband needs to display/prove/do the following:
      Show true remorse for what he’s done
      Have absolutely no contact with affair partners
      Answer any questions you have
      Not blame you for his choices and actions
      Be willing to figure out the ‘whys’ about his behaviours
      Be transparent in all communication (online networks, phone calls etc)

      Then you can see a change in him.

      It takes a hell of a lot of time to even feel like you can see a future. You need to figure out if you are willing to accept that your first marriage is over and be willing to make your second marriage work. Do you want him? Can you see a future with him? Is he willing to change? Can he dig deep enough to understand why he’s behaved this way?

      It’s a tough road, but life isn’t black and white and we all come from different upbringings, experiences, morals etc.
      Will life be more painful with him or without him?

      Good luck xx

    • Sv

      Zoe, You’ll know when you know. You may waffle back and forth for a bit. Don’t worry about that. Concentrate on what makes you happy and stronger. Remember, it’s about you and your healing at this point. This needs to occur whether you stay married or not. You don’t need to make any decisions now or anytime soon. If you want him gone for a bit…have him gone. If you want to spend time with him, do it. Live day by day with no apologies. You may want him one day and the next day hate him. That’s okay. He needs to accept that and be patient. You may try to reconcile for 6 months, 6 days, or 6 years and one day change your mind. That’s all okay. My advice is not to wait for one final decision that is clear cut. Just breathe and be your best self in the moment. I was honest with my kids. They knew that although my goal was to stay married , I made no promises. Give yourself a break from worrying about what the future holds.

      • Jules

        SV – this is some of the best advice I have read in a long time. I think for me and for many of us, we think we have to decide now and it’s fine. If you stay married, then it’s fine. If you kick him out, then it’s final. And that is not true. I think answers come to us all the most when we focus on being present and loving OURSELVES first. I am 2.5 years out, living with a husband who still works with the former OW and I question myself daily if this is right. I try to focus on what is good and changed and better – NOW, today – because that is all we have. If today I can live with this situation – good enough. if tomorrow it changes, so be it. Some days I stay for the kids. Some days I stay for our history. Some days I stay because I still love him. Some days I stay because I love myself. And there are some days where it hits me and I’m just mad and hate it all. Sit with them, let them guide you. But we should never be sorry for trying what we feel is best on any given day. In any given moment. We need to be kind to ourselves.

        Thank you for the support.

    • Lisa

      I wish there was a way to LOVE the previous comments. They were spot on! Not much to add. I am 9 months out, the affair lasted 5 years (sex 100s of times), we’ve been married 21. My marriage 2.0 is going wonderfully, but my husband is trying hard. It was band aid ripped off, no contact, no more lies, never blamed me, etc., from the beginning. I have talked to many women now, where that is not the case, but their husbands weren’t ready for the transition yet. The transition from being a selfish a**hole, to the husband you always wanted and deserved is a bit of a back and forth sometimes. They don’t change overnight, or see the light right away. Sometimes their vision is so clouded, that it takes a while to cut through the cloud of BS they have cultivated to justify their behavior. It’s not always, “I have been caught, I see the error of my ways”. It takes a bit to face that it is THEIR fault. That is a hard thing to do. I agree, genuine remorse on his part is a MUST, and just the beginning of what he owes you. Actual penance. What does he do to redeem himself? You take care of yourself, and don’t make any major decisions right away. How a person reacts/deals with a situation speaks a lot about their character. He can’t change what he did, but he can change things from this day forward. He needs to bend over backwards to give you what you need. No matter what. I really am at a time in my life where I am vaguely grateful for what happened. I have lost and kept off 35 lbs, I am super happy with my life now, we have great sex often, I have the attentive & affectionate husband I have always deserved, and I still have the family and life I love. He gets this one chance. I am either the biggest fool, or the luckiest lady – I am going to chose to believe the latter, and enjoy my now, it’s feeling pretty lucky. Good luck to you!

      • Zoe

        Thank you all for these supportive and honest words. They give me hope and a little light in the dark tunnel I find myself in. He is moving out for a while and I feel good about this. I need space to process my feelings and grieve what I thought was our marriage. I will take care of myself and the kids and I hope he will miss us terribly and that things will really sink in for him. No matter what tho, I will be okay. I have supportive loving friends, family and an awesome network of online fellow survivors to turn to. I’ve never in my life been part of an online forum and I’m so glad that I reached out and that u r all out there. Thank you all again ❤️ I’ll keep checking back in as things progress.

      • Cat

        Mine was also five years and sex “about 20’ times” according to affair partner. My husband also sexted with her loads and with another woman for eighteen months but they didn’t meet up (that’s a definate. I’ve spoken to her too) and sexted with another 7, possibly more, women.
        My husband is ticking all the boxes at the moment, remorseful, no contact etc. And like you, our sex life is amazing and loads more care and attention.
        We’ve had marriage counselling and my husband has come to the conclusion that he never felt good enough for his father. He also began sexual relationships later on in life and felt he’d missed out possibly. He’s also really shy so he thinks all of this extra marital stuff made him feel good, made him feel more of a man. Getting to the ‘whys’ has been good.
        He swears he will never do any of this again. He’s disgusted with himself and can’t believe he’s done all this (that makes two of us!)
        I’m still up and down (six months in) but I’m feeling more on an even keel I guess. I recognise I’m worse coming up to my period. That’s the hormones I suppose.
        What a journey! What a reality check! It’s made me realise how important our job is as parents. We need to show what unconditional love is and fill them with esteem.

  • Cat

    Hi guys. I’m six months out from finding out about my husbands five year (off and on) affair with his work colleague. It’s historic, stopped in 2015. He’s also been a prolific sexter – nine women. Bonkers. The woman he had affair with came to our wedding. That really sucks
    I wrote her a horrible letter and sent it about three weeks ago. My best friend went to her yesterday in a car park (my friend doesn’t kno her, recognised her from photos I showed her) The woman is definitely playing a victim role (she’s got two kids and been with her partner 20 years) My friend asked her why she came to our wedding. She said she was told to go so everything looked normal. My husband said he didn’t tell her to come, so who did?! She told me in a phone call when this all first came out that no one knew, she hadn’t told anyone. She said to my friend that I need to bury it now and move on. She said she’s really struggling and having counselling and her counsellor said that me writing a letter “is not the done thing” Have any of you guys made contact by writing a letter?
    Our husbands are such idiots!! Bringing all this s**t to our doorstep!!

    • Sv

      Hi cat, I reached out numerous times via facebook messenger and text. She would block me and I would find another phone (daughters, husband’s (of course it took her awhile to block that number),etc… basically I berated her and humiliated her. I made sure she knew that I knew all the bullshit that went on and what my husband really thinks of her. Basically, she was playground equipment for a broken man with no boundaries. She was heartbroken. My final text hurt her so badly she called my husband and left him a voicemail near tears acting as if she was the victim in all this. (She is married too) I saved that voice mail. I still love hearing the sadness in her wicked heart. My only regret is not playing it for her husband. I don’t think he knows how much she wanted my husband to come for her. He deserves to know.

      Eventually, about 2 months out I stopped contacting her. It occurred to me that it gave her power. I decided to never let her think she was worth the time of day again. I would no longer give her head space. She is Gutter trash that I walk past. She is no longer in my head or that of my husband’s. Nope, thrown out like the trash she is.

      • Kerrie Duchscherer

        Hi Sv.

        I want so badly to tell my ex-friend exactly what I think of her as well as what my husband really thinks of her. She is human garbage. She knew first hand what she was doing to me and my marriage. She was my confidant. I told her everything. My suspicions and how this was affecting my sex life. etc. I had suspected it
        For years but couldn’t narrow in on who it was. I thought it was someone from his work. She even had her husband spy and the whole time it was her. She manipulated me so badly. It was beyond cruel. She is a she-devil. It almost killed me. I ended up in the hospital. Suicidal. For 8 years she did this. They did this. I have written letters that I have never sent but really want her to know how much I hate her. My whole family hates her. Especially my daughters as they have been so supportive. They saved me. Our stories are so similar. The length of the affair as well as when you found out. It’s uncanny.

        • Sv

          Hang in there Kerrie! She knows what your husband thinks of her. She knows that he chose you and dropped her instantly. That had to hurt. 👍 As hard as it is, try not to give her anymore headspace. She is not worth the emotional energy. She is scum not worthy of any of your time and thoughts! Essentially, she was playground equipment for a broken man without morals.

          How are you now? I hope you are getting stronger. I am feeling better each day. Little by little! I am still with my very remorseful spouse. He is working on himself to figure out how he managed to do this for so long or at all for that matter.

  • Erin

    I posted a couple months back my story of finding out about my husbands long term affair. It’s been 3 months since I found out and I just wonder how long it took you ladies to actually feel like you knew about EVERYTHING? I keep having days that I want to search again as I still feel like I don’t know it all. It drives me crazy. I still feel like there is more, like it was longer, like he has still held more from me. Why can’t I let that go??? Am I insane?
    He has the odd day when he breaks down and says how sorry he is ,which I appreciate.. but then other days he looks angry at me when I don’t look happy… like I am not allowed to have bad days. I have always been good at covering up my feelings with a smile on my face but now I feel like I haven’t had a damn good cry!
    Do you ladies ever feel like you don’t feel as attracted to your spouse? Is it just me? Is it because he lied to me for so long that I don’t even know if any his actions are pure anymore? I still love him but sometimes I just feel like we are co-existing right now. Going through the motions of “fixing” things. I am in counselling right now, he isn’t. We spend time doing nightly readings together but that’s all… I feel so lost and unsure of how to get things to a “normal” state. I guess as normal as it can be at the moment.
    I am so thankful for your comments on here as they have helped thus far! You ladies are super strong!

    • Jo Ann

      I can only speak for myself (4 years and 3 months post DD). I felt the exact same way. It took years and counseling to get to where we are today. Things are real good but not the same. I still have a day here and there triggered by a memory. I also joined a support group online (surviving infidelity) because I thought I was the only one feeling “crazy”. Turns out it was all typical feelings and that site helped a lot too. Don’t push yourself to make any decisions, you can leave anytime you decide it’s not worth the fight. He must be an open book with you until………. until you decide. I can’t tell you a specific time frame that things got easier. I do remember, in the beginning, just wishing it was a year out because I didn’t think I could live another day like that. Similar to a death in the family, I’d find myself singing with the radio out of the blue. Then having a good time with friends. Next thing I knew it would be a week that I didn’t think about the affair. I’m pretty sure we’re in a place that’s going to be our new normal and I can live with things this way. I do love my husband and it was worth the hell to get here .

    • Sv

      Hi Erin, you are not insane! You age normal. I am 5 1/2 months out and still have my sad times, but am so much better. I can have good times! Laugh! Forget about the affair for a few hours! I can enjoy my husband, but yes…. I still ask questions. I will ask until I no longer need to ask anymore. Our therapist has warned my husband that it could be forever that I have questions or periods of moodiness and it’s up to him to be there for me. Your husband needs to allow you to cry if you need to. He needs to allow all the probing you need. He should ask how he can help? Does holding you help? Giving you space? Making you dinner!? It’s up to him to do the work. Whatever it takes and you should not be shy about asking!

      And I agree with Lisa, about sex! The more the better. I had to reclaim that and quickly. My husband’s affair although on and off for close to 9 years was not super sexual. I was on a mission to have sex with my husband more times in a few months than they’d had in all those years. It didn’t take long and the frequency is still amazing and better than when we were newly weds. Oddly, I find sex when I am sad about the affair, quite comforting! Give it a shot! Followed with a glass on wine! Ha!!!
      My therapist told me that he suspects the pain will always be there to some extent but how much I continue to invite in is up to me. He also gave me the 6 month timeline. He believes that at 6 months traumatic situations typically become less painful or at least bearable. At 5.5 months, I think he is right. Pain is still there, but it no longer feels like an elephant parked on my chest! It’s manageble. It gives room for happiness and good times. That is something I never dreamt possible even 3 months ago.

  • Jenna

    My husband and I have been married for 18 yrs. Together for 19. I found out he was having a 4+ yr affair. I cought him sexting with her in the very beginning of the affair and he swore it was only sexting and it was over but I knew deep down it wasn’t true. I must of asked him weekly for 4 yrs if he was having an affair with her but he lied everytime!!! Our marriage had been rough for 10 yrs he would do everything to not be home, so I raised our 3 kids by myself. He was barely in their lives even though we lived under the same roof. My kids are the only thing that has kept me strong. In those 4 yrs the whole family was going to counseling. We did couples & individual, but he just lied it was all lies. I worked very hard in counseling to build up my self-esteem and to learn to love him better and myself. I went to school so once my kids were old enough i could go back to work. I tried to get my husband to spend time with me & the kids but he wouldn’t. I wanted sex but he turned me down all the time. After a while the kids and I gave up and we honestly started to function as a family of 4 (not 5) he was no longer part of us. Even though deep down I knew it still hurt like nothing I ever want to feel again. It still broken me in everyway possible. I’ve lost all trust for him, in anyone really. I told him I’d give him a second chance because I know mostly it wasn’t because of me. It was due to his alcoholism and other issue with in himself.
    I’m just not sure if I can get past it. Its been over a yr.after 10 months of living at his parents I let him move home.
    I try to explain to him about all the memories that are lies now. All the hopes n dreams for the future gone! Our past is all broken and lost now. My wedding rings I cant bare to wear. I done even think we are married anymore because all it was built on is broken.
    In his affair he was very social with her. Taking her to casino trips, beach trips, bars, restaurants, weddings, concerts…but when I wanted us to go out he was busy. For more then just those 4 yrs we never went out together. He was out with friends all the time but always to busy for dates with me or the kids. He used to.say NO to going to the beach with me and the kids but he went with her….it hurts more then the 4 surgeries ive had in my back & hips. I think about it all the time. Why wasn’t I good enough. I would of had sex everyday of the week if he wanted but he went to another women. He says he’s sorry and is going to counseling but I still feel he’s not sorry just sorry he got caught. Part of me thinks I should leave that I deserve better, but I’m 43 and he’s the only man I’ve ever been with so the idea of being with another man is hard for me, plus I’m in love with him. How do you stop thinking about the affair? How do you stop wondering if they were together here or there?
    How do I get out of bed each day. I feel so humiliated and hurt I honestly do not know how to live anymore.
    He flaunted his affair. His friends all knew I swear my whole town except me knew. (Even tho I had my suspicions) I feel like the dirty little secret and I am the wife!!! He won’t let me feel tells me to stop thinking about it and its my fault that i do that. Acts like I should just get over it….he doesn’t get that it wasn’t just a fling..
    He had a relationship with her. A whole life! He went through get lengths to have this affair. Got a second phone, all the lies and he would make it as if I were crazy when i didn’t believe his stories. I want to see him put effort like that into me and our kids, but he has not.
    He says its only been a 13 months I say that he’s had 13 months so far to work on it and he hasn’t done much. I just want me back. I want to stop feeling hurt and angry.
    I just do not know if I can forgive him or trust him again.

    • Sv

      Jenna, I am so sorry you are here. It’s a crappy club to belong to. To be honest, your husband does not sound like he is helping you at all in your healing. That is a huge part of reconciling and moving forward. He should be bending over backwards to help you reclaim your history, to feel safe, to feel loved, etc. He did this to YOU. He should be answering your questions as often and as many times as you need to ask them. He needs to be working on himself and figuring out what caused him to betray you to begin with. From
      What you describe, he is simply living at home expecting you to “get over” a huge betrayal. You will eventually be happy again, but if there is any hope for you to find peace with him, he must change his attitude and help you. I hope he does, but mostly, I hope you do what you need to do for yourself if he is not willing to help. Hang in there.

    • Courtney Catalano

      Jenna – I am so sorry you are going through this. Please know you deserve better, even though its so hard to see that. No one deserve to be treated as poorly as he is treating you. I hope one day you see how strong you truly are, raising those kids on your own, keeping the house clean, and even waking up the next morning makes you strong while your dealing with the mess your husband created. I’d say kick him back out to his parents house.. let him be alone and deal with knowing he has caused all this pain. We are not perfect by any means but far from having to pick up the crap our husbands leave on the floor. Truth is that other women probably left him and now he is all alone, and wants his family back, but how do you get back 10yrs of pain, hurt, low self esteem created by the man you love! Maybe the day you kick him out for good and sign the divorce papers you will then feel the weight lifted off your shoulders, but who am to say what you should do.. I’ve decided to try and make my relationship work.. but I will say this, if he hasn’t been there for his kids what makes you think he will be there for you? Hang in there and please know your happiness needs to come first.

  • Angela

    I have just had confirmation that what I suspected for 19 months was happening, my partners cheating, I had been confronting him since day 1 but he kept denying it, I have an overwhelming need to leave him but also have doubts because I loved him so much, I’m worried he will do it again because 7 months after we started dating I found out he was in a relationship and had a 12 yr old daughter with the woman, is he a serial cheater

    • Sv

      Angela, so sorry you joined this club! You ask is he is a serial cheater? That’s hard to say. He definitely has some inner demons he needs to exorcise. Did you say that he has a 12 year old daughter with this same
      Woman? If so, I would delicately caution you that it may have been happening more than 19 months. Just be careful
      And ask all the questions you need! Hang in here! Take care of yourself and breathe! Life will go on with or without him! You will survive this!

  • CC

    As a significant other who recently found out my other half of 12 years has been seeing someone behind my back for over 4 yrs during his 9-5 day job. We are not married but have a child together, recently made a huge move across county FL to Arizona. I found out by taking his phone out the cushion of the couch (a game my daughter plays) his phone locked with notification on the screen when I noticed a name – who sent him an email. I opened the email to find out she was flying to Arizona the same time my daughter and I where flying back home. Granted, I found out the beginning of the year that he was seeing this women, kicked him out the house for a month. Talked things over and decided to work things out.. then the offer to relocate to Arizona came about and we decided to make the move. I completely put the whole cheating thing past me the 1st time.. since he kept telling me she meant nothing to him, it was just physical. Now this, how can someone who says they love you, our bond, dedication to his family means more than anything to him and it was just a stupid choice and he messed up DO THIS TO HIS FAMILY! I just dont get it.. and have no idea what to do…

    • Sv

      CC, I am so sorry you joined this crappy club. First of all, don’t try to “get it”. Your husband, Like most of ours has some mental health issues that he needs to figure out. It could be depression, low self esteem, narcissism, or something more serious like a Bi-polar. It’s his problem so racking your brain trying to understand it will drive you crazy. You asked what you should do? In the beginning, just take care of yourself. Eat well even if you don’t want to. Love your child! Get through the day. As for your husband … that will be up to him. He must be willing to talk to you. Take complete blame for what he is doing. Does he want to stop? How is he treating you? No matter what happens, do not allow him to blame one bit of this on you. Time will reveal what you should do. My advice is to search for your happiness and work for it. That might be with him it might be without! You have the right to create the life you want free of judgment!

      • CC

        Sv, Ugh the crappy club.. thanks for taking the time out and responding. The 1st 48hrs were hell. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I wasn’t taking care of myself and then all of a sudden I heard my daughters laugh, 🙂 that was all I needed to remind me I have a purpose in life, she is my purpose. As for the other factor in my life (Him) we talk, he answers my question to the best of his ability without trying to cause more pain, he has taken 100% of the blame, and promises he will do whatever it takes so this will never happen again. He doesn’t stop saying how much he loves me, he doesn’t want to lose me (so he says) but I cant stop the questions as to Why someone who says they love you, dedicated his life to his family.. could do this to the person he loves, I just don’t get it?? Everything we built he has now destroyed.. promised myself I’ll give it 30 days, process my feelings and emotions, let the anger settle down and figure this one day at a time.

      • CC

        Hi Ladies – Almost 3 months out and the last two weeks have been tough. Don’t get me wrong my SO is beyond remorseful and I do truly love him but I cant seem to unlock the chain of events.. Moving here to Arizona has been great, our daughter loves it, works amazing, and the community is wonderful.. but I cant have a normal experience. I find myself becoming a little spiteful towards SO. With every positive move and grateful thought comes with tremendous amount of hate. He moved us cross county away from all our family to then flip my whole world upside down. I worked my ass off to have this move somewhat stressful, find the best school, best location to make it the easiest transition for our daughter and then with one look at an email.. my life was shattered. I’m unsure as to what my next step should be..

    • Lisa

      OMG CC, you are living all of our nightmare! It is hard to know what to say, without more details. What does he say? You are either working to make things right or you aren’t. My first instincts say move on to someone else, that this guy isn’t trying. But each situation is so different, and complicated. My husband knows that he has this one chance to make it up to me. If I found out he was in cahoots with the enemy again, that would be a game ender for me. It would be a financial disaster, and my life would drastically change, but I cannot be with someone who would hurt me again, knowing what it did to me the first time. Nope. I married him and thought it was unconditional, until now. I now have a condition, because he broke our vows, they mean shit to me. If he does this to me again – they are broken for good. You didn’t get those vows, but in a 12 year relationship, they are implied. (and even if you did get them, there are lots of us here that would tell you that getting married is no deterrent to cheating.)
      It is ultimately up to you, no judgment here. Each case is different. He did not learn his lesson the first time. Obvi. What makes the second time caught any different? Is he a serial cheater? I feel for you and your daughter – you don’t deserve this pain, or to have to make such hard choices. Cheaters are the most selfish creatures on this planet. Me me me. Their happiness in this moment is the only thing that matters, and they can compartmentalize in a way that justifies it. “If she doesn’t know, it doesn’t matter”, like it’s not actually happening. You need to take some time, and make sure that you are seeing things clearly. Not influenced by what he says, or how you feel, but some real mindful examining of your situation, relationship, and goals. I don’t know him, so I can’t help you there, but you know him – pros/cons list? I know that sounds silly, but it can help. Great big hugs to you from a sister in the struggle – Good luck.

      • Courtney Catalano

        Lisa, Its been rough! I find myself feeling guilty.. “Did I not give him what he needed” “Was I not doing enough” Etc.. But in reality I know I’ve been a great partner in this relationship. We started out very young I was 17 when we were first meet he was 18, had our daughter when I was 21. We have literally started from the bottom together and have built this (what I thought) unbreakable bond and successful relationship. Then I start talking to others and find out I am not alone in this cold cold world. I start asking myself how could I be so stupid and naive thinking I was with this incredible person who could never possibly do something like this to me or our family. We start counseling this weekend and I am some what dedicated to working this out, but I have good and bad days it all depends on how I wake up in the morning.. did I mention were having more sex then ever! Think that’s me feeling the guilty… I honestly don’t know what am doing..

        • Lisa

          Hello CC 🙂
          I am sure it has been rough, but know you are not alone. People cheat because of their own weakness, not because of something the partner is not doing. You wanting to have sex is a great sign in my book. I think my husband and I had sex 17 times the first week after I decided to stay and forgive him- SV calls it “hysterical bonding” 🙂 It is very common in our situation, and in my mind, it is part of the healing. We were supposed to be naive. We were blissfully trusting our partners, like you should be able to. We did nothing wrong. My husband is the most amazing man, other than this VERY HUGE mistake. (5 years in my case) You don’t have to make any decisions right now, except to try or not try. Going to counseling is a good start, and should help you see things more clearly. You can make your choice about fully being dedicated to working this out as you go along. He has a lot of soul searching to do, and the work you see him doing (or not doing) will be your indicator. My husband is working his butt off to make me happy. Going out of his comfort zone and really working. I want to reward that 🙂 He needs to attune to your needs, and make sure he is there for you. Whatever you need. You deserve that and more. If you do decide to work through this, I would suggest that you make it clear that this is his LAST chance. If you find him to be untrustworthy again, no matter how much you love him, you need to love yourself more and leave him. I am wishing you the best this weekend. What we go through is some serious suffering- you have sisters in the struggle if you ever need to talk. I am almost 9 months out and my marriage has never been stronger, attuned, and full of sex. 🙂 It takes two to tango, so my success so far is very much because of me (lots of work processing, forgiving, being in the moment and letting go), but also that my husband is 100% committed to our relationship. You need to see that in him. Wishing you clarity.

          • CC

            SV – thank you so much for that! You ladies are awesome 🙂 I will keep you all updated. I wish you the best in your relationship.

  • june

    As the ex wife of a serial cheater who married the woman he was seeing … here are my three takes on a when a marriage is NO longer possible:

    (1) A spouse starts spying on the other because there is so much distrust / disconnect in the relationship. One demands passwords to all devices (not realizing that new devices / new passwords can be created and easily hidden) .. or starts calling around on their spouse – been there done that. I laugh about it today it seems SO STUPID to go down that road. Because even if you stay together .. what do you have exactly? You can’t have a cop / prisoner mentality .. no one will put up with that very long – not even the cheater.

    Another sign your marriage is DONE is when he REFUSES to give up the affair partner. This means he has emotionally cut the umbilical chord. Sure, there are websites that claim one person can save a marriage .. and other sites that claim you can get him / her to give up the long-term affair partner … and they give you the magical ingredient for 19.99 (I got a bridge to sell ya in that case).

    And the third sign your marriage is DONE is when he / she no longer cares you know about the outside relationship. In other words, you can scream and yell and threaten all you want .. now what are you going to do? In fact, it may give rise to even more desire to continue the affair with chosen man / woman.

    Even if your spouse stays .. what do you now have with them? When will the spying stop? Because I can pretty much tell you .. once it starts .. that’s it – it does NOT stop. And passwords? You feel comfortable because you have their passwords .. think again. I got a whole lot more passwords where that came from.

    Bottom line .. some things can’t be fixed any longer – and in MY EXPERIENCE .. those are three “game over” things in a relationship. And no book seller is gonna convince me that staying is healthy and to wade out my emotions. When the trust is gone – so is the relationship. Forever.

    • Sv

      Hi June, I appreciate your perspective. I do “spy” on my spouse, but not because I no longer trust him, I no longer trust her. By spy, I mean randomly read his texts, etc.. often he will have his phone in his hand and see me looking at him and offer to hand it over. Will this stop one day? I hope so, but for now it is comforting to me and he wants me To feel safe.
      I agree that if a spouse is unable to give up the affair partner than a marriage should end. My husband dropped his instantly and expressed relief that it is over. I would have no patience for anything else.
      Do you mind me asking how long ago you divorced? I only ask because I have heard divorced people say it was the best decision they ever made to walk away while others fight for their marriage, but I so see the divorced crowd still in counseling, posting on these sites, and speaking bitterly of their exes..( I am not insinuatiing that this is you). I am just curious if the pain is less when one divorces. My suspicion is that it is not. It may be different but it’s still there. My friend who supports whatever decision I make and who was left by her husband for another woman did tell me “you will need to find a way to move on from this pain no matter what. With or without him the pain is there so picture what you want for a future. Do not let the pain play a roll in your choice”. That resonated with me.

      • Jo Ann

        Wow ! Very well said. I think we all need to find our own peace in our own way. One size really doesn’t fit all. So many things to consider too. I’m totally confident that, had I been younger, I would have left my marriage. I’ve never believed that there is only one true soulmate. I didn’t stay because I felt trapped either, but did stay for MY (selfish or not) own reasons. Our life will never be the way I thought it was again but our new life is really good. I do think that there will always be moments of bitterness sprinkled in at times. I mean the pain is like a death only it was deliberate. But four years out from DD and we are in such a better place. For me, and for us, I’m glad I hung in there. Do I spy? Not sure, really. He is so open that he offers up all his stuff. I don’t feel compelled to sneak around and look. Knowing that I can is comforting. In Dr Phil’s words, it shouldn’t be a death sentence and you let her do what she needs to do until………

  • Sonia

    My husband divorced me and I found out he was cheating with a woman for 7 years. Why did he stay with me too? We had no sex for 10 years.

    • Lisa

      I am so sorry that happened to you. Without knowing him – it is just a guess, but my first instincts say, he was being a selfish coward. I am sure there were things he enjoyed doing with you, a comfort with what he knew, and didn’t want to give that up. Thought he could have both and that would be okay. Never thinking of your feelings or your ability to move on and find someone better than him. (which you obviously deserved to do 7 years ago.) She is stuck with him – you are better off without him.
      My husband and I are working things out. But if he left me, I would give myself the same advice. Your husband has chosen to leave, and good riddance, he didn’t deserve you, and you didn’t deserve what he did to you. You can start a new life, and find someone who values you, and someone you want to be intimate with. 10 years is a long time! You are free. Heal and do things that make you feel good, that nourish your soul, and be open to love – even if it has failed you in the past. This next chapter in your life can be amazing – crafting it exactly how you want it. Good luck!

    • Sv

      Sonya, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am sure it’s hard to think you wasted so much time, but I truly believe you two shared something. Maybe it was the comfort of home and familiarity. Whatever it was, I am certain your spouse had some sort of love for you. That being said, glad he has freed you to find meaningful and fulfilling love. Not to be crass, but 10 years without sex is not fair for you. Sex is a human desire and need. You deserve to find someone that desires you and you desire him in return.

  • Jo Ann

    4 years out from a 40 year affair (we’d been married 16 years at the time). It was with a never married coworker that had no issues being the other woman during three of his marriages. There was no signs and I couldn’t have been more shocked! We’ve been to hours of counseling and never told the adult children (what would be the point). I’ve come a long way since the fetal position on Discovery Day. One thing I can tell you is that there is no such thing as a sexual addiction. Drugs make an actual chemical change to the body and that’s an addiction. Sex addiction is an excuse for a behavioral choice . Can’t add much to all that has been posted, but do know that each situation is different. You need to make yourself the priority and take all the time you need. We are still together (it will never be the same for me) and our new normal is wonderful . Things come up, I still ask questions, but he’s been an open book and very patient too. It worked for us. If it hadn’t, I wouldn’t have hesitated to leave. Do what feels right for you and know there’s plenty of support out there, you just need to keep looking for it.

    • Sv

      Jo Ann, I completely agree that there is no such thing as a physical addiction to sex. However, there can be an emotional addiction to the dopamine high that sex and affection provide. Couple that with an emotionally immature person and an addiction can develop. Humans need intimacy and connections. For those who never learned how to make those connections in a healthy way they can turn to fantasy worlds for fake highs. It’s very similar to overeaters. We need food to survive, but some people crave loads of it to fill some void in their soul. The food gives a temporary bandaid. I believe the same is true for affairs, porn addiction, etc. Unlike the alcohol or drug addict that can live without using again, people who turn to sex or food for their “drug” can not stop either one entirely. Therefore, it is a constant battle to have just enough to be healthy without crossing the line. Ask an alcoholic to have just one drink and he couldn’t do it. Troubled people are just looking for an escape. Some turn to food, gambling, drugs, sex, or cheating. Would I have preferred my spouse turn to a different “drug”? My broken heart says yes, but I have seen families ruined in other ways too. What we all really wish is that our spouses had turned to a mental health professional rather than another woman. That being said, the question is, if they do now can we move on? Some of us can and others must go.

  • Kerrie

    Hi Erin. I’m so very sorry you are going through this. I too have been married for 19 years. I have two grown 20 Something daughters and a 14 year old son. I found out in June 21 of thus year that my husband has been having an affair with my best friend for 8 years. It was her husband who told me. I was shown explicit sextinv messages. Needless to say I have been rocked and devastated by this. It has been a mere theee months and it is still very raw. He has ended the relationship. But I am tormented like you as the trust is gone.every photo , every gift and every moment has been tainted I feel like I have lost 8 years of my life. If you knew the aweful betrayals that have now come to lightyou would cliterally puke. It is beyond my worst imagination. My advice to you is to take moment at a time. Sometimes One day at a time is too much of a commitment. Give yourself time to heal and work on yourself. Don’t make any big decisions. I am staying for now as long as I can stand. I’m hoping to get through this and to salvage our relationship. He is doing everything right at the moment and swears he does not want to lose me. I still love him but the hurt is so deep. It’s like a death. I grieve everyday and wonder how I got here. The two of them destroyed me. I don’t even know who I am anymore but I’m determined to find me again. I wish I knew you as I would give you a huge hug. You are not alone. You did not deserve this pain. No one does. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Not even the lie he betrayed me with. Are you familiar with Ted Talks? Look up the Esther Perel talk. She is awesome and really helps to put it into perspective! It’s a 20 min listen and was very helpful. I have bought her book and it’s a great read. “ the state of affairs” we are also in counseling separate and together. My children know and without them I would be dead as when I first found out I was in a very dark place and considered taking my own life. They saved me and are the greatest gift that I wish you the best. Be strong and know that there are people who love and care about you. Even strangers❤️. Surround yourself with them. Xo

    • Jules

      Kerrie – you are strong. You can survive this no matter where it ends up. I am so sorry it was with your best friend. My husband’s affair (mainly emotional) for years was with a coworker. They still work together and we are almost 3 years out from me finally saying no more. The trust is the hardest thing. Our kids have no idea, they are still young. We have been married 22 years. I have moments where I want to leave or rather make him leave, but the moments are less. Right now…today…I am finding peace in the present. In what is right between us. Not the past. Focusing on our kids, and our life. If tomorrow it is not ok…I will make a different decision. How do you cope? One moment at a time. (Hugs)

    • Erin

      Kerrie, Hugs to you! You are incredibly strong! I have actually received one of the Ted Talks recently from my therapist and I really enjoyed it! I don’t know what I would do without finding some good information like that to help me not hate myself so much! I have decided to stay for now, and truly feel like he is trying to repair what was lost. However every day is a new emotion, new feeling, new thought. I can go a few days feeling good then have a panic attack and start digging through emails again to see if I missed something, it sucks! Day by day though right?? I am very thankful for the ladies on this thread helping me see the light at the end of the tunnel, as I was not thinking I would for awhile. I have no idea what the future may bring but am trying the best I can. Maybe we can somehow gain some friendships through the experiences we have had. If you have any other useful reading I would love to hear about them! Again, hugs to you and all the best to you as you find yourself again 😊

    • Sv

      Kerrie, I read your post where you mentioned struggling with pictures and memories that seem like a lie or tainted. I think we all have felt that way to some extent. I mentioned that feeling to my mother and her response was “don’t do that. Your memories are real and precious. They happened because your husband loved you and your family and wanted to make them. Had SHE had her way they would never have happened so dont give her anymore power now than he gave her then”. She is right. Those words helped me. I think in some aspects the nature of long term affairs prove that they were not deep love relationships otherwise we would have been abandoned. Our husband’s always chose us first. Our husnand’s AP’s were just toys or playground equipment soothing some psychological shortcomings they weren’t emotionally healthy enough to deal with. It had nothing to do with us. If your husband was an alcoholic would you look at memories as tainted because he was loaded at the time? It’s all just self soothing bad behavior.

    • Alice

      Hi Kerri
      I relate to so much to what you have written. The pain of betrayal is so intense. No one goes into a marriage ever thinking that this could ever happen to them. Life is hard. Marriage is hard work. My husband had a 7 year affair. He says it was on and off as if that really matters or makes it less of a betrayal. The details that I know are horrific. Never in a million years would I ever believe that my husband, the father of my 3 sons, could carry on an affair. It still takes my breath away when I think of all that I know and all the secrets that he is still probably keeping. Why am I still here? I am trying to look at the BIG picture – not just the betrayal. We have been married for 25 years, have 3 sons. Our lives run deep together. I am trying to keep my family together.
      He has made huge changes. He has learned many painful things about himself and has been able to face his insecurities and deficiencies head on. He has reprioritized his life and has made me and the boys his number one priority. He is attentive and connected. He sees the pain he has caused our families and most important our sons. He has a lifetime of work to do to rebuild trust and respect. Today I am choosing to stay and work on my marriage. This is a conscious choice that I am making to try to be happy. We all deserve happiness.

    • Alice

      Hi Kerri
      I relate to so much to what you have written. The pain of betrayal is so intense. No one goes into a marriage ever thinking that this could ever happen to them. Life is hard. Marriage is hard work. My husband had a 7 year affair. He says it was on and off as if that really matters or makes it less of a betrayal. The details that I know are horrific. Never in a million years would I ever believe that my husband, the father of my 3 sons, could carry on an affair. It still takes my breath away when I think of all that I know and all the secrets that he is still probably keeping. Why am I still here? I am trying to look at the BIG picture – not just the betrayal. We have been married for 25 years, have 3 sons. Our lives run deep together. I am trying to keep my family together.
      He has made huge changes. He has learned many painful things about himself and has been able to face his insecurities and deficiencies head on. He has reprioritized his life and has made me and the boys his number one priority. He is attentive and connected. He sees the pain he has caused our families and most important our sons. He has a lifetime of work to do to rebuild trust and respect. Today I am choosing to stay and work on my marriage. This is a conscious choice that I am making to try to be happy. We all deserve happiness. Wishing everyone on these posts much love and happiness, today and always.

    • Cat

      First of, I want to just say that we are ALL important, worthy and beautiful. We have been catapulted into a heap of emotional trauma, distress, mental health issues and PAIN because our partners decided to make a CHOICE to have an affair.

      None of this S**T is our fault. We must not take ANY blame. When a person decides to cheat, that person is a selfish bastard who in their ‘head’ has already justified WHY they are entitled to cheat. Of which, these justifications will be horses**t.

      Now I’m not saying we are perfect, no relationship in existence has ever, or ever will be ‘perfect’. But when someone decides to cheat, THEY are the ones with the issue/s and problems. THEM, not us.

      I am 3 months post discovery of my husbands two year (possibly longer) affair with one of my best friends. Ironically, I’ve since read that co workers and friends are the most likely choice of affair partner. Enemies close hey!!

      During these two years, we’ve had a baby girl, whom is now 7 months old. The affair started as an emotional affair back in Feb 2016 and turned into 5 meetings up (or more) of a sexual affair. This is one of my closest friends whom went to high school with my husband, so you can imagine how much my insane mind went back to! Did he fancy her at school? Has he slept with her before we met when we were 23 years old etc etc. AKA mental torture.

      Undoubtedly the worst parts for me were that I was pregnant and he had admitted he went ‘unprotected’ during his escapades. I contracted thrush in pregnancy, for the first time in my life. Began to think that was connected too, whilst my mind didn’t let me sleep. The other worst parts for me, has been the emotional trauma of my past that this ducking mess has brought up. From physical abuse from my mother as a child, to the death of my father aged 18 to the rape and sexual abuse of an ex boyfriend. It’s ALL come up like a pack of demons ready to take a feed and it has put me through hell. I have even blamed myself, for being so ‘damaged to begin with’, for being pregnant and ‘tired’ some nights, to not being assertive enough and so on.

      He is doing everything in his power to try and salavage the hurt he’s caused. It’s immeasurable. I’ve suffered with depression and now this lovely affair has heaped anxiety and PTSD onto me. I’ve always, always kept my depression hidden and secret. I didn’t want to be pigeon holed and I didn’t want those that had hurt me to have any power over my enjoyment of life. I didn’t want to be stuck on medication for the rest of my life either. I literally spent my 9 years of marriage and 12 year long relationship, pleasing him. Making sure he was happy.

      My counsellor has told me that this is what some men decide to do when they’ve got things so good. The ego boost they have and the grandiere of self, brings about a narcissism element where they feel entitled to cheat and heck who ‘wouldn’t want to’ cheat with this amazing guy! This is what they start telling themselves.

      Three months on, he’s had counselling, my counsellor is stuck with me (probably for a long time) and we are having couple counselling. He still doesn’t understand WHY e did it. This is the first and only time he’s cheated (I do believe this, as he’s definitely not the stereotypical love rat wanker).

      I feel absolutely destroyed. I know I need to build my confidence back up, as it’s rock bottom. On my worst days I’m back to self harming. As he’s trying everything he can think of, this deeply upsets him, but this is one of my ways of dealing with things. A temporary feeling of being ‘alive’ because I can feel physical pain. I’m not eating, not sleeping well either.

      With our marriage counsellor he’s telling her that the shame he feels makes him withdraw from answering everything honestly and openly. Whether this will get to the ‘why’, I just don’t know.

      I remember the early days when I discovered the affair (at my birthday party in our sons room I may add), he had ended it with her Feb this year (our baby born in March and he apparently felt vile about what he had done) and she was trying to start it up again. Her drunken behaviour and words she said at another friends house later, confirmed this. So I cling on to the fact that at least he had an epiphany! However, was this only because of our baby being due? Had she not been born, I feel this was an affair that could just be picked and dropped whenever the nasty twats needed an ego boost. He swears he was happy he ended it and that he was so happy when our little girl was born. To be fair to him, he did switch behaviour and became very loving and positive shortly before she was born.

      My journey now is discovering the WHY through marriage counselling.

      I firmly believe that until we know the WHY we are all just walking around with great big stab wounds in our backs and they cannot heal.

      After discovery, the WHY that I got was ‘I was happy at home and loved you, I just wondered what an affair would be like’. Because I do not think like this, I cannot believe this. I couldn’t dream of hurting him like this, even when my depression was trying to cripple me or I was having sleep paralysis and flashbacks.

      I suppose what I feel I need is a WHY that is understandable. Not a brush off why.

      Hubby is very keen to serve me, do everything for me, move past this etc. But I need him now to understand the destruction he has caused and to know that these steps can ONLY be baby steps and I cannot give any guarantee what way I will turn because I need at least 1 year maybe 2, to get myself back together again.

      For all of you ladies going through this hell, take it one day at a time. You are important and you are beautiful. Don’t let your sparkle be filled down. We will all get through this. The way I see it for me, I’ve been through a lot of s**t by myself before, this is just another addition.

      We’ve got this 💪🏻

      • Jo Ann

        Don’t pin your hopes on ever getting the Why. It’s been four years, tons of counseling and we are no closer to the why than we were on day one. I’ve come to realize that there is probably no single reason why and my choice was to work on healing and moving forward with him or without him. So sorry your going through this. With all your past issues, during pregnancy and a new child, makes this suck even worse. Our journies are all different but lots of good advise here. Hang in there and take care of yourself first, one day at a time.

      • Sv

        Cat, try not to let this affect your self esteem. His behavior has nothing to do with you. It would not have mattered if you looked like a super model, acted as June cleaver as a wife.and a whore in the bedroom. His actions are due to something messed up in him! I understand how self esteem suffers. Mine has too, but it has nothing to do with what he did. It actually is due to my shame for loving such a broken deceitful man. He is working on himself. I need to learn to allow myself to forgive his flaws to fix my self esteem. Figure out why your self esteem is struggling and work from there! Hang in there! Sounds like iou got adorable little ones! Drink them up! I know you hear it all the time, but they won’t be little long. You don’t want to remember their childhood through the lense of all this crap!

        • Jules

          Sv – I just have to say I was laughing and crying when reading your last remarks…”you don’t want to remember their childhood through the lense of all this crap!” That is exactly what I have been telling myself lately. My husband started his long term emotional affair when our young twins were just 18 months and it continued for years. We are 2.5 years from dday, but he still works with the former other woman and some days it just gets to me. I see him trying, in a lot of ways. I see him not trying but usually when I am honest those are my expectations not reality (hard to explain). But what I have been noticing now as my boys are getting older by the second…that if I am not careful, they will be gone and I will only see it through the lens of crap. I don’t want that. I have decided to stay in this marriage, even when he continues to disappoint but there is still a lot of good. I need to focus on that…but more importantly I need to focus on ME, on knowing it has NOTHING to do with me, and focus on these precious boys who are growing way too fast! Thanks for that reminder!

  • Erin

    I am sitting here reading the comments and cannot believe how many of you stayed. Here is my story….

    My husband and I have been married for 19 years. High school sweethearts one would say. Things with has have been good, some rough patches but fairly good. The last couple of years have been tough.. we have been growing apart, my husband having no interest in going to church with me.. arguing all the time etc. Then I noticed my husband having anger issues towards me and the kids.. yelling over silly things and belittling me more often than not. Then he would turn around and act like nothing happened and be as sweet as pie with me. Felt like a yo-yo. I dealt with this for sometime and then felt like I started enjoying time away from him more than together. I constantly felt like he was cheating on me..he was so secretive with his phone… unknown passwords for his accounts… etc. When I questioned him he denied it. And I questioned him often. Then I did the unthinkable… I cheated on him… with a close friend that I confided in… BIG mistake… I felt horrible.. and ended up confessing to him a couple weeks later. In return he made me feel horrible (as he had the right to do). We however decided to work on things in our marriage as I told him I felt like we were falling apart … BUT he wouldn’t do anything to work on us, no counselling.. no reading.. nothing. I felt alone and helpless… and again questioned why. One day something told me to check his phone .. so I did.. I found saved pictures and saved messages showing that he had cheated on me multiple times prior to my own event. In fact a year prior to be exact. When I asked him about it… he at first denied… then confessed to it. Finally I felt some freedom, like I wasn’t a crazy person for thinking he was cheating earlier on. It was a huge burden lifted. We cried, talked and decided that day to recommit our marriage. I was so happy! A couple days past and I was still feeling uneasy… like my gut was telling me to keep my guard up…so I decided to contact one of the other women. Only then did I find out he lied as to who it was and he gave me some innocent person’s name to protect the actually person involved. It was humiliating and embarrassing. 3 times I confronted him with more questions cause every time I dug I found more lies… more length of time.. and finally when I told him I was thinking of just ending things he told me everything… or so he says he did. 3 years to be exact and physical contact, not just emotional as he first said it was. The worst part is they were still talking just over a week ago. I am furious… I have no trust left and no love to give anymore. He says he still wants us to recommit but I can’t get past the fact he lied to cover up even after we agreed to fix things. What do I do? I have 2 beautiful daughters whom we don’t want to hurt but I am at the point where I don’t know if I can trust him again. I Hate knowing I lost 3 years of my life… pictures mean nothing anymore… cause it was all a lie! I need prayers and guidance as I am feeling completely lost! I realize we both made mistakes… that is not what I am so upset about… it’s the fact that he lied and lied again… and made me trust him only to disappoint me yet again. When does a person know the repentance is for real? I don’t want to be broken again.. I already can’t function normally right now. Help and guidance would be great! Everyone says that divorce is just as painful but seriously what is worse? The worst part is the only reason I don’t want to leave (right now) is cause I feel bad for him and am scared.

    • Sv

      Hi Erin,
      First off, huge hugs to you! You are not alone. I am 3.5 months out from learning about a much longer affair…. over 8 years exactly. The pain is still enormous, but less so now. I can Laugh, eat, and enjoy life a bit so that is an improvement. My husband has done and is doing all he can to help me heal. It’s kind of hard though to accept comfort from the one who attacked your heart. And yes, I am still here. I am here because I don’t like the reality of a future with a broken family. I am here because I do love my husband. I am here because our relationship was more than the sum of his horrible sins. I try to remember the good in him and us and there was a lot. It’s hard as hell, but it still seems to be the lesser of two evils. We have been through extensive counseling as well as a 3 day marraige recovery retreat. The one thing multiple counselors and therapists have tried to instill in me is that it is possible for him to have been present, loved me, and created beautiful memories with me and our family even while he was carrying on with her. They have a sick way of compartmentalizing. In order to take back my memories I have to believe this. My husband has been very open and answers all questions repeatedly. He swears the memories we creaTed and our relationship was real and special. He was and is a broken man. This is not an excuse, but the truth. He describes the affair as not even “feeling real”. As if it was just pretend play to escape stress of real life. As wrong as it was, that is how he justified it… as in “this doesn’t matter, it’s fake, So no one will be hurt”. Of course he knows that was bullshit, but it helps me take back my life and memories. They were all real. My husband nor his play toy get to take anything away from me because of their sins. Fuck that. Own your life and be proud of the wife, mother, friend, daughter, etc… that you are. You didn’t do anything wrong.

      • Erin

        SV,
        Thank you for this! I think you women are super strong! I thought 3 years was long enough! I am hoping the journies you ladies have will only help me as I begin my own journey.. a long one ahead. Hugs to you on your own battle, it scares me to think I have a long road ahead of me like that. The part I am struggling with is how do you fall in love again? Right now I don’t even feel attracted to him like I was… which I am hoping will change, but that part scares me. Unfortunately we haven’t began any counselling as I am not sure where to even start. Couples therapy or just separate. Again, your strength amazes me and I am grateful for your encouragement, I really needed it!

        • Sv

          The way I see it, counseling is good whether you separate or reconcile if kids are involved. My husband will be a part of my life forever even if we don’t make it since we share kids. Even as adults our kids will need us both. I imagined a future with “two families” for my kids. I considered the horror of another woman rocking MY grand babies with my ex husband. Even the thought of him with another spouse killed me. We have worked hard to build a nice comfortable life for ourselves and our kids. Cutting that in half would not be easy. Life would get much more difficult. Believe me, if divorcing him would alleviate the pain, I would be gone, but I know that it would only add layers to the pain that I need to move past. Yes, it hurts like hell, is unfair and just plain sucks. Deep down, I know that I do still love him. Sometimes I wish I didn’t. Ha! Longterm affairs are a weird beast. I choose to look at what they aren’t though. My husband’s affair was ridiculously long because it was not intense. He was not in “love” or ever thought about leaving me. It became a habit that he knew would cause damage if he quit. Quitting would cause pain to me and his children as the OW would not have let him go without a fight. In his own sick addicted way, continuing the affair kept life simple. To me, that is better than a man who has intense emotions for his AP and wants to be with her constantly. Some men leave for the AP. Some continue the affair after discovery. My husband dropped the bitch cold. So the length, yes… hurts… but factors in shorter affairs can be equally hurtful.

        • Lisa

          Hello Erin 🙂 I am 7 months out, and doing really well. I have moments, even a day here and there where I think of things and it brings me down, but mostly, I am feeling great. Many times I am thinking how much better this is than going through a divorce, and tearing my family apart. My husband had been the husband he should have been since I found out. He is trying his heart out. It is my observation that with a lot of men who create this situation, it is not a switch to change themselves. One day all the cheating is justified in his mind, and the next, it is over and he was wrong (and being an a**hole) all along. They might lie to protect themselves, and you – not realizing that it is the very worst thing they could chose to do at that moment. The coming clean, the actual confessing (which should have happened long ago) is part of the penance for what they have done. Yes it will be painful to hear, but knowing what actually happened is crucial, so you can process it, and forgive it all. (even if you don’t stay). And it is the least they can do. Tell the truth now. If you chose to stay, he needs to know he has one chance. Only one, to prove to you that he is reformed and you are the only one for him, and he can be the partner that you deserve. If he cannot, then as hard as it is, you need to move on. I think counselling will help, if you find the right one. 🙂 It is a rollercoaster, but it gets better and better. Focus on yourself and what you need. If he wants to keep you, he should be willing to move heaven and earth for you. I am crafting the marriage I wanted and deserved all along. If he is worth saving (and only you know), and you have enough love for him, you will have a good chance of making it together, stronger and better versions of yourselves and your marriage. I am wishing you the best!

  • Kate

    I found out three months ago that my husband (been together 10 years, married for six) had an affair for five years plus with a work colleague. They had sex in work, in car, he took her to our home once, he went to her house several times. This affair started two years into our relationship. We have two children who are 5 and 2. He says it wasn’t a constant thing, completely random. I have spoken to her four times. She has been with her partner about twenty years and has two children. They used to message and sext a lot. He said the last time they had sex was in 2014 and he used her for sex and to get naked pictures and videos. He also had an online sexting affair for eighteen months with someone he was in school with. That stopped November 2017. I have been sent screenshots of the sexting and pics and videos my husband sent her. She is married with two young children. She “hates” my husband and seems intent to ruin him, hence forwarding me the sexting stuff. After that came out I pushed and pushed and he eventually fessed up to the previous five year physical affair. He says he loves me, I’m the only woman he’s ever loved. He says his a sex addict. He’s admitted being in a short sexting relationship with another woman and that he made a fake Facebook account to access dating websites so g could get involved in more sexting affairs. He says it’s the pics and videos he’s addicted to, it’s his personal porn. We are going to counselling, he’s saying I know everything now but some details he can’t remember. I just don’t know where I am in this mess. He is currently very down and has said he’s thought about ending his life because he sees no way out. He swears he is in no contact with anyone since I found out. He has changed his phone to a big standard old type, changed his number, doesn’t access the internet. I am on a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I feel everyone deserves a second chance, the next minute I feel I need to get rid of the b*****d quick!

    • Grace

      My fiancé is a addict was well. He has been addicted to cyber affairs for almost 15 years. He’s been doing it since he was very young. He’s in SAA now and promises he’s done. I do believe him and I’ve managed to forgive the cyber part of his affair because of his addiction. I cannot however forgive the physical parts yet. One day I’m hoping i can. I still love him and want to marry him one day after this is all past us. It’s only been a month for me so I definitely understand the roller coaster of emotions. I also know that they will end one day. We’re on a cycle of two steps forward and one step back right now. It’s a slow road but one I’m willing to at least try because I don’t want to live in regret of what might have been.

      • Lisa

        Grace,
        I am wishing you all of the best! One month in is very early. The roller coaster will slow down. I am almost 6 months out. My advice to you is, work though all of it, be kind to yourself, and keep moving forward. (my husband and I say that all of the time, onward and upward too!) I remember thinking the same thing as you. I don’t want ME to be the reason this relationship falls apart. I love everything else about him. I can see the regret, and self loathing his behaviour has brought him. We can work through it together. My husband is doing whatever it takes to redeem himself. This is his one chance. I will love myself more, and leave him if he does it to me again. My husband never wants to be in that dark place again. He doesn’t see it as some great love affair, it was self destruction and he was bringing us all down with him. (all of it was based on lies he convinced himself of, to justify his affair.) He is out of that place, and never wants to go back. I believe in him. I wouldn’t stay if I didn’t. I am hoping your fiance sees the error of his ways, and becomes a better man for you. We are not defined by our mistakes, but how we react/respond to those mistakes that make us who we are. Good luck!

    • Claire

      I found out five weeks ago that my husband of 31 years has been sexting a woman. He’s 63 years old and she’s 40. He told me that he had met her through a company he worked for years ago, and initially he told me that it had been going on for about a year. Like yourself, I pushed and pushed him and eventually he told me that he was actually setting 3 woman and I worked out that it had actually been going on for about 8 years. His excuse was that our second life was none existent, which I have to admit it was. We had grown apart and I felt that his only interest in me was sex. He should no interest in me other than he wanted sex, and I withdrew from him.
      Like yourself, I was up and down. To me sexting was far worse than having an affair, as it involves having to build up an emotional connection first.
      Then last week he broke down and told me he had actually been having an affair for 8 years, with one of the women he has been sexting. And he had lied about working with her, she was someone he had met on an appointment (he was a sales manager at the time) and after phoning her twice, they had arranged to meet for coffee. They met up for coffee a couple of times and then he suggested they spend. Night together which she agreed to. They’ve met up two or three times a year ever since, telling me he’s was going on a conference. I never ever doubted where he was going and trusted him explicitly.
      His explanation for the affair is that we had no sex life. I accepted this, but I have spent the last 8 years begging him to talk to me as I knew our relationship was in trouble. He never wanted to talk, but simply said ‘do you want a divotce’ To which I always said no, but to be honest I don’t know whether I told him I loved him. I have probably pushed him away.
      However this, to me, does not justify him having an affair. He desperately wants to make our marriage work. Neither of us are eating or sleeping and we’re just making ourselves ill.
      I love him so much, but think why the hell should we try to sort things out because it’s convenient for him now, when I have wanted to all along, but he wasn’t interested.

  • Grace

    In desperate need of help. I found out about a month ago my fiancé has been having an affair for about two years. We’ve only been together for for years so this was half of our relationship which is devastating to me. It was mostly an online cyber sex thing but they did meet up twice in real life to fool around. The first meet up was about 18 months ago and the last about 7 months ago. I still love him and want to make this work. Please, any help or advice for me sticking with it would be greatly appreciated.

    • Kate

      Grace, I’m sorry to say this, but if I’d found out this about my husband before we had children I would have finished with him. It is so, so complicated now we have children. I feel trapped because I have to do what is best by them. Run for the hills. You are worth better and you will meet someone who will just want you. Not all men cheat, not all men cheat. My husband and your fiancé are f**wits. Take your heart and give it to someone who deserves it. Stay strong xxxxx

  • Kerrie Duchscherer

    I found out on June 21 2018 that my husband of 19 years has been having an affair with his best friends wife who is also my best friend for 8 years.
    I thought we were happy. I’m completely blindsided and the pain I’m going through is crippling. I can’t work I can’t sleep. I can’t eat and even cry in my sleep. He says he doesn’t love her and that he never did. “It’s not like that”. I don’t know if I will ever be the same. I don’t know where to go from here. Please help me

    • Mandy

      Kerrie, my appetite is returning after 8weeks (lost over 15 lbs) but I’m still drinking. Max 5 hrs broken sleep a night. He’s heartbroken at what he’s done (ignoring the consequences for years) didn’t think I’d be so badly affected. So why the big secret of ‘just a friend’ and I’ve had the ‘it’s not what you think’. Not a romance but still a huge betrayal of trust and an emotional affair. Was it a lust thing for your husband? The thrill of not getting caught? Time for him to be honest about what it meant to him & his motivation. You deserve truthful answers however much it shames him. Good luck. And no you won’t be the same, you’ll still be great but different.

    • Tara

      Kerry –

      It’s been almost 16 months since I found out about my husband’s EIGHT YEAR AFFAIR that started while he took a temporary position in another state for work. After those 3 years he reached out to her 1 year after he returned home. I blame myself for not leaving him when I knew in my heart something was wrong – He never visited me during 3 serious illnesses during the time he was away – was different when he first returned but our relationship returned to the best it ever was soon after. He told me every day how much he loved me. Blah – Blah – Blah
      I remember the week I found out – vomiting – not sleeping for 3 straight days – cried continuously – lost 20 lbs. I am still battling the emotional issues and I am sad to say may always be doing so in regards to not being able to trust another man. As Mandy said – you will never be the same –
      That being said, it doesn’t have to be in a negative way – take that opportunity to never be the same because you will be a better – stronger version of yourself someday. I never was a believer of all the positive crap people put a spin on but you can be.
      Do not live through this by yourself – you will need a lot of support from your family – friends or whomever you can lean on. Believe me when I say – he wants you to keep this between you and him because he is so ashamed – Think of it this way – he didn’t keep those years between you and him – it was you – him and the insensitive whore he had the affair with. Second – seek the help of a good counselor for yourself – you are going to need to talk about this over and over. – join a group in your area for people who are going through a divorce Check MEET-UPS. This is another thing I didn’t think would help – but it does.
      Third – whether the marriage will survive or not – the both of you should go to marriage counseling. If you have children – there is such a thing as a healthy or amicable divorce. You will be apart of each other’s lives because of those children and they do not deserve to live through this for the rest of their lives also.
      I actually became more confident in myself because of his affair and realized I was always better then he deserved – both his first wife and the woman he had an affair with were not attractive at all and both were less of a woman, a person than I am. AND – that’s what you need to start believing.
      Remember – he is not in control of this situation – you are now at the wheel. Whether you divorce him and take him for everything you deserve or you work it out – it is your decision. Do not try to make any decisions now – you are not in the right state of mind.
      Focus on yourself – one day at a time. I was a very strong woman, but I have to admit it brought me to my knees.
      Listen to the song by Kesha – Praying – listen to the words. I played it over and over every day and it will help you to realize you will survive – stronger and better – Good luck

    • Sv

      I found out something similar on June9. The pain is unbearable, but hey, it’s helped me lose 15 pounds! Ha.. try to find humor in your day. For now, I am staying . I remind myself that there is so much more to this very emotionally troubled man than his colossal betrayal. There is also so much more to my marriage than what exists between the two of us. We have a home, children, financial security together, in short, we are a family. We went on a recovery retreat and the therapist asked me why I was staying. My answer was he is a part of me, my family, and my world. I equated it to cutting off my leg just because it was once broken and now causes arthritic pain. Anyways, I do not know if my marriage will last, but for now I choose to try. Divorce is equally devastating and leaving him would not erase the pain of the betrayal. It would add more pain. Forgiving someone who hurt you may be easier than getting over the loss of a loved one. When you are married for so long your spouse is more than a lover, he is as much family as the one you were born in to. Hang in there ladies. Your path as well as mine will reveal itself as the pain lessens.

      • Alice

        Hi there. I have hope reading your comments. I am 1 1/2 years out from the discovery of my husbands long term affair. We were married 23 years at the time and have 3 sons. I have chosen to stay for now and try to work on the marriage. He stopped the affair immediately and called her – with me next to him – to tell her that he did not love her – that he never loved her and that he was committed to working on his marriage. That was important for me to hear.
        This has been a grueling journey with many highs and lows. Every day there are still triggers and I have been working on ways to cope. I have to choose happiness. I have felt tremendous pressure to decide what I should do – stay married or divorce but I have made a decision to be kinder to myself. I have decided to not pressure myself to make a decision – my decision is to stay if I feel happy. If he continues to be honest and transparent and connected to me and our boys and treats me well and makes me the #1 priority – then I will stay…if anything changes, that would be my signal to go.
        I want so much to look forward and not feel the pain of the past. I am not sure how to do this. I am not sure how to not think of all that he did to betray our marriage. He was emotionally disconnected from me and the boys. His job kept him away from home a lot. I’d love to talk with you. I am so happy I found this site as I no longer feel so isolated.
        If you would like to reach out to me, feel free to do so. My email is: alicedonohue5@yahoo.com.

        • Claire

          I so want my husband to ring her and tell her she meant nothing to him, which is what he has told me. He actually said he just had to snap his fingers and she would drop her knickers, which I assumed he said for my benefit. He doesn’t normally talk like that, so I assume it’s true. But I feel that’s being childish, but to be honest I have no idea what I’m thinking anymore. 5 weeks on I I feel absolutely wrecked

  • Elizabeth

    I am about 5 months after finding out about my husbands 4 year affair. We have been married 32.5 years. I married him right out of high school and I just turned 51 years old. I am also disabled, probably the stem of the problem as I was in too much pain to give him enough physical intimacy. (We had been down to about once per month for a couple years) Of coarse I would have done anything to rectify the situation from counseling, to finding ways to help him out when I wasn’t physically able to have sex, gotten toys to use with him, and just knowing there was an issue I could have had sex more than I was had I known how he was feeling. Instead of talking to me, as he thought it too selfish to bring up his needs as he looked at me writhing in pain and the resulting sleep deprivation and bouts of situational depression, he decided to start talking to a ‘new friend’ (woman: 15 years younger and perfectly healthy) and the texts became more and more frequent, they would meet in person from time to time, all the while i didn’t know of her existence. After an unknown amount of time, the talking got deep and he began to tell her how I dont love him, (because i wasn’t fulfilling his physical intimacy needs), and how lonley he was and it got even more inappropriate until after about a year they began sleeping together. The entire relationship was 4 years. He says it ended because she gave him an ultimatum and he wouldn’t leave me. Then he spiraled into an emotional crisis, being sent home from work for crying. That was about 5 months after they ended the affair, and when he had to tell me what was wrong with him. Guess he was pretty heartbroken to loose her! But he did choose to not leave me and claims the utmost regret and now will talk to me and never do me wrong again. I dont want to divorce, and I do still love him and see parts of him that are good and would like to make it work. However, I have not been able to get over the amount of betrayal and how long he chose to do me wrong. Years. And his reasons are so half baked and make zero sense. He said he thought I didn’t love him, yet I showed and told him every single day and night and made special occasions to really show it. I loved him so much and felt so lucky that he stood by me after my accident, and i tried to make up for my short comings. (Not enough sex. Although if he’d TOLD me how he was feeling i would have fixed it then!) So, he is remorseful and committed to me (now), but he gave up on me. He threw me away and strung me along as though we were as happy together as I thought we were. All while mingling with her. If he had ‘made a mistake’ and slipped once…even twice i can see getting over that. But i just dont think i can get over so many years of this. So if i want to make it work, but dont see how to get past it and im down to 104 pounds and so weak I can barley do anything because of it, can’t hardly sleep or eat…what do I do next? Please help…

  • Deanna Lewis

    I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years and found out that he has been having another relationship for 10 years. He wants to move on and not discuss it anymore. I’m trying to but I sit and kill myself inside daily. I don’t know what to do.

    • Lisa

      I bet he wants to move on and not talk about it! Facing his selfish, hurtful behavior is hard, but IMPORTANT for him to suffer his consequences. Seeing my husband’s genuine remorse, over and over, has been healing. (I’m not the only one suffering) You can’t just move on from until it’s fully dealt with. You are not done dealing with this situation. It’s not all about him anymore – It’s about you (and should be). I am not a therapist, just someone who has been cheated on. But from what you just said, I would find another boyfriend. Do you have kids? I know that makes it harder. You deserve someone who will do WHATEVER it takes to make you feel better. Not let you sit there feeling that way. I wish you the best.

    • Mandy

      If he wants a future with you he must discuss what’s happened or how can YOU move on? painful for him but you’re the one dying inside. Is it a recent discovery? How long has he given it to talk about your relationship. My husband is moving heaven & earth to stay with me, whatever it takes (and I’m ripping his soul apart in the process). Distressing but necessary if there’s a future. Together for 18 Yrs & he had an online ‘emotional affair’ for 10. It’s made me ill. A physical affair – don’t know how I’d cope. Do you know if he’s ended it with her? Love to you and I hope you can find a way through xx

  • Mandy

    We’ve been together 18 years and 6 weeks ago I discovered my husband had an online affair for at least 10 of them. It was only the third time he alluded to his friend I that called him out on it. Previously he’d been defensive and said I had ex-boyfriends on fb. (One who I have no interest in, just his excuse). And the kids were with us. The relationship went from Myspace to emails & for the last 8 yrs to Last fm (music & social network). He left all the usernames and passwords off his password list. When I found 2 email accounts had her as a recovery email my world fell apart. He said it meant nothing & was only 2 or 3 times a year. I found his PC internet history (3 weeks in – how much more would I have found?) and on his phone which he looks at to see if she’s messaged & read them. Years back he’d go on the site when I was out & taking our kids to activities but over time it became when I’m in the house. He’d quickly close the page. Originally it was also for music but for the last 3/4 years he doesn’t bother, it’s just a site to access her on. He’s been in denial and says she’s just a friend & nothing sexual (ok). So why all the secrecy if you’ve nothing to hide? So much for our loving relationship based on a deep trust – I encouraged him to rejoin a band and gig internationally – that’s the extent of my trust – what an idiot. He ordered me flowers then messaged her. I helped organise his manic USA trip & the day of departure he was busy & stressed yet still found time to log in and let her know he was off to the States. First time back at the PC, back to her, he’s frequenting messaging her, sometimes twice a day (it’s a meaningless friend, I didn’t think about it, I don’t think about her). An intelligent man who’s only just getting what he’s been doing to our relationship! I’m totally & utterly devastated by the deceit. It’s made me ill, I’ve lost 15lbs in a few weeks, can’t sleep or focus & run on adrenaline. And alcohol. Lots of vodka. This all kicked off during our daughters’ GCSE & A Level exams, it’s been hell. I made him go to his mother’s for a while as I needed space. Weirdly we’ve had more sex than the past 3 years and it’s been amazing. We’ve had astonishingly close moments, great times out and have reignited our bond & passion for each other. There’s a love & connection I’ll never find elsewhere but I’m such an unforgiving, resentful person I’m not sure I can make this work. It’s so damaged, over 10 years!! I can’t think about family holidays without thinking how he was in touch with her then, what was he sharing with her? What did he get from her? It’s torn me apart & the trust has gone. I can’t believe he thought this was an ok thing to do – he made a conscious choice to go through with it, it became a habit, a part of his life he carefully hid & never questioned until he got caught. Most of our marriage. The pain is intense.

    • Kerrie

      Hi Mandy
      You sound like me. I just recently found out my husband of 19 years has been having an affair with my best friend for 8 years. It was her husband who is my husbands best friend who told me. Her phone wasn’t working so he plugged it into the computer to fix it and bam 8 years of texts came up. The first time being my 40th bday trip to Vegas. He slept with her in the hotel roomwhile her husband and I were sleeping. I’m so lost

      • Mandy

        Hi Kerrie, that’s hideous. What a terrible thing to do and what an awful way for both of you to find out. Guess her husband is as devastated as you? While mine can attempt!! to justify the secrecy, betrayal & furtiveness on a PC & phone for over 10yrs yours was a physical betrayal. And your best friend too. I wish I could offer some positive advice here but I do understand the distress, confusion & hurt. You trusted him (& her) with all your heart. You’d never have done that, you had respect for him & your marriage. Your mind will be going over stuff and you’ll be wondering how you missed it. You’re not at fault, he saw an opportunity & made a choice instead of walking away. As for her…. equally disgusting (you chose the words for her!) can you chat with her husband to both get a better grip on what’s happened? I’m sorry for your pain. It’s greiving what youve lost (& thought you had) xxx

  • Alice Donohue

    I am in desperate need of some advice from any woman who has survived her husbands long term
    affair. If anyone has survived this, please contact me.
    Thank you

    • Lisa

      I am currently surviving my husband’s almost 6 year affair. It has only been a little more than 4 months out, but I am doing very well.
      We are reconnecting and making it work. I would be happy to help you with what has worked for us. Hugs to you!

      • Alice Donohue

        Hi Lisa.
        I think you may be my gift from God. I would love to talk to you about how you are managing to make your marriage work.
        I don’t know if we continue our conversation on this thread or do it privately.
        Please let me know what you think is best.
        Looking forward to hearing back from you.

        • B

          Hi ladies. I’m right there with you. Am a year and a half past discovery of ten year affair in a 35 year marriage. It is the challenge I never expected but am using it to move on and up. Still with him, still working it. If there is a way to connect outside of the group I would love to have a safe place to share and support.

          • Mandy

            Hi B, None of us expected this challenge! We trusted because that’s what you have to do in a good relationship. I’ve been in lousy ones where you don’t trust them but this one was different – or so I thought. Having an internet affair made him think it was ok. It’s good to know you’re achieving a successful marriage despite what you’re overcoming. I don’t know how to connect elsewhere other than leaving your email.

          • alice

            Hi B,
            It seems we all have war stories to tell. I am a year and a half past discovery of my husband’s long term – on and off affair with a married woman. We are working on our marriage. We have 3 sons and I made a promise to myself that I would try to make it work – atleast until my youngest heads to college. It has been very difficult – good day and bad days. I’d love to talk if you like.

      • Elizabeth

        Hi Lisa. I am about 5 months out from finding out about my husbands affair of about 4 years. He loved her, she wanted him to leave me for her, but ultimately decided to stay with me. I have not been able to survive the pain and today I went to stay with my parents. My husband and I were married in December 1985…so we’ve been together for decades. He had an affair because i was in a bad horse wreck that left me disabled and he wanted more than I was giving him, yet he never talked to me about it. I thought we were so very happy. I agreed to try to get past the affair and was actively immersing ourselves into our relationship again. He is remorseful and completely dedicated to loving me (now), but I am so immersed in pain, anguish, sadness, anger, etc. There are very few moments when I feel ok with him. I’ve lost so much weight because I can’t eat, can barley sleep, and have gotten so physically weak I finally felt I needed to go to my folks to see if the change of environment would help me eat again. How do you get past the anguish?

        • Lisa

          First of all, I want to say that 5 months out isn’t very far yet. Of course everything is still fresh and painful. I recommend taking up meditation. It has helped me a TON. You only have now, this moment. The past is over. The more you can actively let go of the past, the easier it is to be present in this moment. Living in the past makes me miserable. And it doesn’t change one thing. My husband was being a selfish, shitty person for almost 6 years. I am giving him one chance to redeem himself. He doesn’t want to be that person anymore. He wants to be the husband I deserve. I am willing to give him that chance because I love him. The rest of the pain and anguish I feel from thinking about what he did, serves to do nothing but anchor me to the past, and to her. No thanks. I want to get as FAR away from her as possible. In the end, he chose to be with me, to see this through, and do what it takes to make this work. It sounds like your husband is saying the same. I have read that it takes up to 2 years for the pain to fully subside. I actively wanted to get through all of this as quickly as possible. I didn’t ask for all of that pain and anguish – it was heaped upon me. I couldn’t shove it off of me fast enough. I was a puddle for a few months, and processed everything. I still have moments where his actions crush me, but I shove those thoughts away and replace them with what I do have control over. Now and my future. I hope going to your parents house is comforting and helpful.

          • Elizabeth

            Thank you, Lisa. I’m trying desperately to put it in the past, and focus on now. Still, I am failing to do it. I do not know if I can put it in the past, and move forward as his wife. I wish I knew. Your words are like a lifeline to me, however, having gone through it yourself. My 2 friends do not understand. They just think I’m crazy and that I should leave him. Being that my injury caused me to be on disability since 2003, I would have to take half his income in addition to my meager social security check and HOPE I can get by financially. He too, would have to hope to get by himself financially. Really makes me wonder if his reason to to not leave me for her was motivated by money. I never liked the idea of spousal support. (Or disability for that matter which is why it took me well over a year before i filed for disability after my accident). When i think of those things, I tell myself not to allow those thoughts to factor into my decision. To only listen to my heart, and not my head. And that I would be “ok” somehow financially if I chose to divorce him. It’s hard to know what my heart is saying because it so broken and shattered. Makes me ill to think of how you were saying the pain and anguish were heaped onto you (and me) because of choices our husbands made. So far I’ve been at my folks house for 8 days and i still haven’t managed to eat more or gain any weight back. Still at 103 pounds like I was a week ago, although at least I haven’t lost any more weight. Thank you for all your hard work, and for sharing your experience with all of us. Your a lifeline! 😘

      • Elizabeth Reyes

        Hi, my name is liz I’m.in the same situation and im having a very very hard time getting past the 4 year love affair. All advice would he very appreciated.

  • Peggy

    After almost 40 years of marriage, I discovered my husband was having an affair with another woman for nine years. He has gone to counseling and I am going now. I have good days and bad. Would love to connect with other women whose husbands have had long term affairs.

    • b

      Hi there. I am over a year past discovering husband had ten year affair. Married 36 years. Your world will quit spinning so fast as you move through this. Hang tight. Let me know if I can help.

      • Elizabeth

        B- did you stay with your husband? I feel like maybe i would heal more quickly if I tell him something like ‘its Over. You destroyed our 33 years together. I would have gone to counseling and done anything for you to be happy again if you had come to me and talked to me. You chose to have a long term affair instead. Now you should get counseling and do whatever you need to do to become a healthy man, and I need to go get my own therapy and heal in my own place. Then once your healthy and if you want to attempt to make a go of it again with me, you should start over and reach out to me and get to know eachother again, and date, and see where it goes.” But alas, that brings many financial complications…so I just dont know what to do.

    • Lisa

      I found out at the end of February, that my husband of 20 years was having an affair for last 5 years. I found out too. He would have kept going forever if he could. He takes responsibility, and is committed to working through this with me. He is an amazing man otherwise, and I love every other thing about him. It has been hard. The truth is, he was in a dark place and didn’t recognize it, and so was I. I am almost 4 months out, and I am feeling much better. I can see how much he is trying. He has no contact, or interest contacting the other woman. Here is my advise. Start a book that the two of you write back and forth to each other. We write our thoughts, feelings about our future and our day to day struggles to each other (usually once a day). It has been wonderful. (even a place in the back for things we want to do in the future together.) Keep communication open. You will have ups and downs, no matter how hard you try to forgive him. Be kind to yourself. Eat well, even when you don’t feel like it. After only a few months, I can tell you that my connection with my husband is stronger, and more authentically happy then it has been in a LONG time. Our marriage is starting anew with a foundation of open communication, respect, trust and love. I told him that I love him and am willing to give him one chance, but if he does this to me again, I will love myself more and never be with him again. One Chance.

    • Elizabeth

      Peggy, I’m so sorry this happened to you as well. How long ago did you discover his long term affair? How long did it take you to have a ‘good day’? I still haven’t had one. I think I have developed something called ‘Anhedonia’ which means that one can not feel want, desire, like, enjoyment etc. Just very flat emotionally at my best now. I’ve forced myself to go out and do things, new things like zip lining for instance. Old things like movies, horseback riding. Things I normally would have loved!! I do these things, and may say I’m having a good time, but i do not actually feel that way. It’s a struggle to get out the door, and a struggle to get through the activity. Hang in there, and thanks Peggy. Xo.

      • Peggy

        It has been almost two years now since I found out about his nine year affair. We are still together, but my healing is so slow. As much as I think he is trying, I just don’t know how to let go of it. Not only because of the affair, but all the lies that went with it. I too struggle daily with really wanting to do things. I believe I am struggling with some depression. Trying hard to pull myself out of it.

        • b

          Hello again—I too am almost two years out from discovery of a ten year affair. The struggle continues every day. Yet, I do find myself stronger. I suppose it has come with the tears I have shed–which have been many. The challenge for me at this point is the memories–day to day memories— like things popping up on facebook—five years ago today you were celebrating with your family this or that event. And now my first thought is—and he was with her. Or I look at a picture of us on a vacation and recall that he was on his phone more than usual–with work–and now I know that somewhere in that photo, she was there—on his mind. So it is difficult to move beyond all of this in a way that does not acknowledge that it happened. I think that is my biggest frustration now with my husband. He does not want to speak of it. He sees me cry at times and tends to avoid any interactions with me when I am going through that. I am not wanting to speak of it daily, or continue to try to find the sense in it. But there are times when I feel something and need to let him know. My frustration with him stems from all the work and effort he made over the years to be with her is so much more than I am asking from him to help me get through this. I made up my mind several months ago, that I no longer was going to pressure myself to make a decision to stay or go. That I could make that decision tomorrow whenever tomorrow comes. For right now, I am approaching 60, months from retirement and staying with him is as much an arrangement as it is a marriage. Yikes—that sounds awful. But given the cards I have been dealt, it is not necessarily that awful. I have found some independence in it. I have booked myself a month in Mexico on a beach two weeks after I retire. I am looking forward to the solitude and peace. Bottom line—I do love the man. As odd as it sounds to those not having been through it, that love has not gone away. Changed a bit–but there. And so for now, today, I continue. that is my word of the month—Continue. Take care. b

  • Lydia

    I found out in November 2017 that my husband had been having an affair for almost two years. I was completely devastated but he promised to end it (I was there when he made the call, not that it mattered…). The other woman was married to an old man about 84 years old and she is my age: 59. I have been married for 31 years. Her husband died the end of January and two weeks later (I just found this out last week), she dropped off a secret phone at his business so they could talk without me checking phone records. So they resumed their affair. Being the ever vigilant and non-trusting detective, I found out they resumed their affair about 6 weeks ago. He said he NOW realizes how he devastated me. I waver between loving him and hating him and wanting to stay together and wanting to get a divorce. One betrayal was bad enough, but he RESUMED the filthy affair. Their affair consisted to her going to his business and them having sex in his office. Anyone have any experience with a husband that resumed an affair? Thank you

    • Malinia

      Yes. My husband was having an affair for 14 months. I found out December 12,2017. I took my kids and left. He went back and forth between the girl and I for another two months. The relationship ended in February after he found divorce receipts. I’m still struggling. I mean struggling to get through it. They were together since October 2016-February 2018.

    • Peg

      Yes, I caught my husband starting up an affair 10 years ago. He promised he was done. It even cost him his job as he was her supervisor. He never stopped seeing her. Met her in hotels for 9 more years and I never even knew it. I struggle with ever trusting him again.

  • Maria

    I have only been married almost six years and I just found out my husband has been having an affair with a nurse on his job site for 4 years, I first caught him in October when I retrieved all his texted messages off his phone but it wasn’t clear then how long the affair was going on he denied sexual contact but confessed to flirting, talking and phone calls but clearly the texts was more than that but he still continued to deny any affair so I decided to really work on our marriage and he said he would no longer have any contact with her our marriage was going really well until I started getting bad feelings again so I set up a recorder in my home and caught him talking to her on the phone and it caught her side also cause he had her on speaker so I got the whole conversation of their affair, seeing each other at work texting again and planning meeting up after work when I work evenings and so forth, of course he denies the 4 year affair and few other things but playing me to be the stupidest person in the world.. I have you on recording, every word!! Now he’s begging for forgiveness and apologizing and it will never happen again and that he loves me and wants to be with me and make our marriage work.. I’m having a difficult time believing a word he says and ever trusting him again!! I’m so hurt and confused…

    • Ames

      Hi Maria! I am going through a very similar situation with my husband of 11 years. About 7 months ago I found out that he had been having an affair for the past 7 years. I had come across texts about 4 years ago and he played it off as what he referred to as an “emotional affair” at the time and that he never crossed the line sexual and he would stop talking to her because he knew he had crossed the line even at that. I poured into our marriage, thought he was too, things seemed better we even had a third baby and then 7 months ago I walk into his office as he closes out of something really quick and I just knew. He confessed to continuing things with her and that it was a sexual affair even before I found out the first time. He claims he was slowly getting farther and farther away from her and wanted it to end for the past 2-3 years since we had our third child but I am just really struggling even after knowing for 7 months. I feel like we are communicating better and I do want this to work between us but I just don’t know how I am ever going to trust him again and hate the feeling of living with this constant state of worry. Would love any advice or help with how to move forward and stop dwelling on the past and try to have faith in the man he says he is today for me and our family.

  • Peggy

    A little over a year ago, I found out my husband of almost 40 years was having an affair with another woman for 9 years. He was also caught up in pornagraphy, and online sexual dating sites. He has been to counseling now for over a year for sexual addiction. Needless to say this has been devistating. I don’t know how to ever let go of the hurt, and to ever trust him. I live with this pain every day.

  • Lydia

    Hi sister’s.
    My husband had affairs with multiple partners. He used to deny them. He is a liar twister and very good at playing with people’s mind when confronted. Lately he confessed after denying for five years. He is a senior officer in the army head quarters and the affair partner is a cleaner. He said the affair has been going on for five years and he engaged in unprotected sex because it felt good and different as we use condoms. He called the lady and broke the affair in my presence but I don’t trust as the lady cleans his office daily. He is remorseful and does anything I suggest for my recovery. However lying still exist when it comes to phones and find my friend app. He no longer leaves the office without notifying me.
    Is it true the affair is over? He says he does not have feelings for the affair partner but protects her every time I say something negative.
    Please help I’m hurting.

    • Rebecca

      I found out last year that my husband was having an affair. We worked through it, but a year later I found a receipt showing he had been with her. After confronting him, he admitted he had continued the affair but now it’s over. Then I discovered an “extra” phone two months later. Whenever I find evidence, he admits to it, but that was the last time…what a cycle. She’s 20 years younger and he’s paid all her bills for at least four years! Golddiggers are the worst! I can’t tell you how many of my friends are divorced and in their 50’s, all these men are dating younger, do I have to date an 80 year old? He wants me to stay, says he loves me, I’m devastated, my self esteem is ruined. At 58. I have a choice to stay or start over, the choices are so sad. I cry every day, I never thought it would come to this. Hang in there women, we shall overcome! You young women having affairs with our men, look at me, I’m your future!

  • Sal

    I just can’t believe what I’m reading here! Most of these men have had long term affairs and yet you are all prepared to take them back. Your just a doormat that they can walk all over. Get some respect for God sake! Most men have affairs because there is something in their marriage thats missing with their wife, so you need to take a long hard look at what you did that led him to stray.

    • Nita

      Dear Sal,

      Unfortunately you are completely wrong. The husband had an affair because there was something missing inside of him, ( Conscience, morals, integrity and Low self-esteem) not something missing in his wife. You gave the typical male response… blame the victim! Best quote I read about when a person has an affair: “it’s like he stabbed with a knife 1000 times and I am bleeding but he is the one that feels the pain? When normal health men relalize that the marriage is not working they either get divorced or seek couples therapy. Those are the only 2 options: cheating is not one of them. It takes a very sick person to look at someone they promised to love till death do you part and lie in their face for there own benefit. Trust me if the wife was so horrible or broken as you say he would have left her and never looked back. But on some level the marriage and his wife was worth keeping or he would have left. I also could guarantee you that the wife wasn’t as bad as he made her out to be. That just gave him permission to act like it immoral idiot. What always amuses me is that the husband convinced himself that his wife is a bad person but who is in the back seat of a car having sex with another women… Oh yeah the great husband and where is the bad wife at home cooking his dinner. Did it ever occur to you that maybe he was the one who was neglecting his wife and she was reacting to his neglect . I will guarantee you, if he treated his wife like he treated his affair partner he would Have had an amazing marriage!

      • Kathy Pappis

        Excellent response! I agree with everything you said! It is so true that it’s not the wife fault! It is something that the husband is missing in himself, and a selfishness on his part! So very sad that they can’t man up and talk to their wives so that they can work on their marriage.

  • b

    I am so sorry for your experience. I am a little over a year past discovery of a long term affair. My husband’s affair was ten years, starting shortly after our second child left for college, leaving us empty nesters. The last year has been a struggle. A struggle to understand, a struggle to re-define my relationship with my husband. We have been together for nearly 40 years. He is turning 61 this year. I am a few years behind him. I look back at photos, remember vacations, family events and wonder if he was thinking of her at the time. It changes who you are, your memories and your plans for the future. There are some similarities in our situations. I can offer you this, after more than a year, the pain is still there along with the confusion. But I am stronger, different in some ways. I still feel the depth of the betrayal, but carry it differently. I hope that in the days and nights ahead you remember that—-that you too will become a stronger version of yourself, that you will gain clarity and peace. if I can help in anyway, do not hesitate to post again.

    • GMC

      Thank you so much for sharing.
      I am sorry for what happened to you. And grateful you posted.
      Honestly, part of my struggle (albeit only 4 days in) to see any kind of path forward with this man is that I am a VERY strong woman. A trial attorney, no BS kind of person that suffers no fools. The words “boss” or “bada**”” are often usd to describe me.
      It seems as if even contemplating a reconciliation with him is the antithesis of my baseline identity.
      I tell myself to give things a moment – process.
      But my thoughts are racing, and I still cannot envision staying with him
      I know I could forgive him. A part of me (tho pretty small right now) feels sorry for him and what he must be going through.
      But I don’t think I could ever trust him.
      And the thought of just being in the same room with him makes me see red (I’m gone 3days/wk for work)…. I cannot imagine ever wanting to be intimate with him. Makes my hair stand on end to even think about.
      The poisoning of every happy memory is like cutting a cord to finding any of his good qualities – the ones that could make me want to stay.
      The ability to be so deceptive for so many years (some of which I thought were really good) Casts the darkest of shadows over all of our shared history.
      What has compelled you to stay? Or to even try to work through it?

      • b

        Once again, I am struck by the similarities. I have been dubbed the bad*** in our organization, albeit, they also call me Mama Bear. I am the CEO of a small organization with 165 employees. Being alone does not scare or intimidate me. In fact, I cannot tell you how appealing being alone is to me and has been throughout all of this. I am fortunate to be in a position to be able to leave without having to consider finances or such things. When you ask what has compelled me to stay—I have to say that I have fought to stay, because most often, I wanted to leave. Yet, I am not sure of where I will be with this emotionally in another month, year, or two or ten. And so the first year—and I mean almost every night, I agonized over whether I should stay or leave, because I didn’t know what I wanted to do. Only in recent months, after sorting through some of the other emotions, did it occur to me that I did not need to make that decision today or tomorrow. That if I stayed today, for this week, month or year, I could always leave sometime down the road. For me that was a huge relief in my own personal struggle. My husband is bending over backwards to make things work. He expresses incredible sorrow and regret. And while that helps, I haven’t really been able to invest in rebuilding the relationship as I found myself so incredibly shattered by the revelation. For me it was a blindside. I have come to realize that for me, forgiveness isn’t an action—not something I am going to be able to say—I forgive you, not now anyway. He often asks, how will you ever be able to forgive me? Others who know, and few do, ask the same thing–how do you ever forgive him for this? What I do know is that, There isn’t going to be a ceremony of forgiveness or a day that i wake up and decide–today I will forgive him and everything is good again. For me, I feel like I forgive him every time I cry in his arms or share intimacy with him, even sit and have dinner with him. Each one of those moments is a forgiveness in and of itself. It says, I’m trying to live a life with you again. The intimacy part, the trust—still a work in progress. And GMC, I feel I need to say it, and it is so hard for me to understand, I do love him. I have struggled with what you have shared in regards to feeling sorry for him. I understand that and yet, I don’t, because i don’t understand it in myself. Maybe you notice a theme here, conflicting emotions. My sense is not to leave or ask him to leave until I have a better footing under me. And at the same time, not to rule out that together might be where we end up. Its funny to look back and remember the moments after I found out—I found a phone with messages—and before I confronted him, I remember saying to myself,” Calm down. How you feel now might not be how you feel in six months”—–. ( Lol. Sometimes I envy those women who throw their spouses out and file for divorce without looking back.) Now that a year has passed, I find I am no longer just trying to get through the day or night. I am looking towards tomorrow and the future. While I still don’t have a plan, I am now ok with that as I know I can make that decision when I am ready. Please don’t read this and think, I can’t go through this for a year. You will make it and somewhere along the way, the path will change up and you will get stronger with it and the sadness while still there, won’t be in every moment and every breath. too long of a response—-therapeutic for me I suppose to be able to share. Thank you for that. Take care and reach out anytime. b

        • Bethany

          Thank you, it’s helpful for me to read your posts b. I feel so much the same as you. Only early on after the discovery of the affair. Again, you are an inspiration to me.

      • Yogini

        How are you doing now? It has been almost 3 weeks since I found out that my husband had a 3+ year affair with a friend of ours. The truth is, within five days, I had forgiven him and decided to stay and salvage our marriage together. This man has been remorseful, sad, admitted his stupidity and selfishness, and answers all of my very difficult questions honestly. He does not blame me. It is the only way this will work. If I catch him lying again, it is over. He is the only man I have ever met, worth a second chance. So it’s hard for me to advise any of the victims of long term infidelity what to do. I love everything else about my husband, except what he did. My friend said to me, “could you imagine if you did something terrible and your best friend wouldn’t forgive you?”. Forgiveness is freedom for me. I texted her and forgave her too. She is a sad alcoholic who was needy and I am sure all of the attention my husband was paying her made her feel special. She can now move on and make better decisions in the future. It makes me feel better, rather than holding onto anger and resentment. I am still sad a lot and angry sometimes, some days are tough, but they are getting better already, and they will get better the further from February 24th we get. I know that it is hard for him to talk about it. We talk about it every day. I told him that if I have to feel it/think it, then he has to hear it. Penance. I want him to redeem himself, and if he does, he will be my perfect husband. He has a lot of work to do, (so do I) but I am hopeful I can come back to this page years from now and tell you good news. 🙂

        • Radtech109

          It seems to be the wives who are always talking and face booking about their wonderful husbands who find them cheating in long term affairs. When one mentions to these kinds of women that most cute, or funny or successful men cheat, they never believe theirs will. These women are blind to their men’s stories, so the men can get away with cheating. Having worked around men in male dominated fields for decades, I see what goes on. My advice to all women in so called monogamous relationships is to do your detective work. Be sure to find a way to get into their office and go through stuff when they’re not around. Alot of men conduct part of their affairs there. Also, putting a GPS tracker on their car may show alot. The key is not to accuse until you have the proof. My own sister has been having an affair with a married man for over 5 years. His wife is clueless. The key to that affair is that, although the wife is kind to him, she’s let herself go, overweight, wears matronly clothing, has alot of headaches and anxiety, is so busy with her little cottage industry of basket weaving that she’s become boring and dull, and one can only imagine has stopped treating him like she did years ago. Word to the wise. I could go up and tell this woman, and she’d not believe me. Meanwhile his mistress is many years older, but keeps herself up.

    • Bethany

      B, you are an inspiration to me. Right now I am feeling like Nita in many ways, and also very confused and lost… I have been married for 33 years, found out about 3 weeks ago he’s been having an affair for over a year. He says he ended it (after I found out), says he loves me and never intended to leave me… We are talking, trying to reconnect, trying to mend our relationship, and yes being intimate. But every day is a struggle for me. I look forward to the day I feel stronger as you say B.

  • GMC

    24 hours ago I learned my husband of 24 years (supposedly monogamous for 27 years) has been having an affair for more than a decade.
    I learned because his mistress texted me over some comments I made about adultery that were in the news.
    We have two adult children; I (foolishly) thought that our relationship had strengthened once our nest became “empty” 3 years ago. But his last sexual encounter with this woman was only 3 months ago (assuming he’s telling the truth).
    I am completely devastated, and really don’t see how our marriage can be salvaged – honestly, I’m not sure I want to, as he has cheated on just about every girlfriend he’s had since he was 21 years old (he’s now 60). Before we were married, I once found a receipt from a massage parlor – I confronted him and he admitted seeing a prostitute, but (don’t they all) promised to never do it again.
    He also admitted to “making out” (what are we, high schoolers?) with another woman in the past few months.
    BOTH of these women are former girlfriends from before we met.
    I know that I’m not supposed to make “big” (ie divorce) decisions right away, and to give myself some time, but if the man has cheated with everyone, and our marriage vows didn’t make a lick of difference, I don’t see how he can possibly change.
    I feel that my husband died yesterday. And I don’t see how – or why- I would want to even date this new guy, let alone be married to him.
    Until yesterday, I thought he was a wonderful husband. He’d been my best friend for nearly 30 years.
    but the decade+ long deception makes it hard to see or even think about his good qualities. I don’t see how good qualities matter when your spouse has shown such bad character.
    I feel as if every single moment of tenderness, of love, of laughter, of silliness, of everything was built upon a lie. I cannot stop from thinking that the day we x (insert made love in the back seat, threw a party for his 50th, etc) he had slept with his mistress.

    I do not see how to continue without becoming a spy wife – a role I refuse to play (I’m his wife, not his mother)

    anyone out there had any success at healing such significant deception and breach of trust?

  • Lost

    I need help. Advice from others who have been in my shoes. My husband and I have been together for 21 years, more then half our lives. We have two amazing children, a beautiful home and a successful business. Five years ago we met another couple “jack and Jill”, who we had similar interests as and starting hanging out with them. Within a few months Jill left her Jack and rumours soon started going around that she was with my husband. He denied it for 9 months and while I questioned it, deep down I thought he’d never do this to me and to our family. Once the affair had been revealed he promised that all ties had been cut and that he loved me and wanted to do everything in his power to save us. We started counselling together. Some days felt good, others not so much. Tom would often be very withdrawn and depressed. For the next three years he would go through a cycle of being very happy at home with me, to the next week being withdrawn and depressed, to the next week leaving me for her and the next week begging for my forgiveness and moving back home. I would often check his phone records and see that they had been in contact. At first I was trying to protect both him and our children from being hurt. I knew that he’d leave for a couple days and then beg to come home so I’d tell the kids that he was away for a few nights on a business trip. He would tell me things like that he was in love with her and not me, that he never wanted to be around me and that’s why he was always away from home etc….he’s a master manipulator and can talk anyone into anything, myself included. In the fall of 2015 I took him back, after a lot of him apologizing and begging for one last chance saying this time would be different. He blames his behaviours on a bad childhood and on drinking too much. I finally agreed and made it very clear that I’d not take him back again. This was his last chance. Four months went by and we were all very happy or seemed happy. He hadn’t been home or had no contact with Jill for four months since we’d met her. Everything seemed great until one night he asked me to get his phone for him and I seen a message on there where he was asking an escort if he could book her services and the convo between them leading up to the point that he was at the hotel. I was completely devastated. This somehow seemed worse then an affair of 4 years. I barely spoke to him and slept in separate rooms but in the same house for months. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. We live in a small town and everyone knew about the affair and about me taking him back again and again. I finally came to a place where I said no more and I moved out. Found my own place and tried to live a normal life. I met a man who I adore. He’s so caring and thoughtful and kind to me. He’s wonderful and I trust him. I know he’d never hurt me. But Tom soon found out and made my life a living hell. Saying that I was having an affair as we were still married. He followed me around, checked my phone calls, broke into my house, drove by my boyfriends house, had the kids convinced that the other man was just a horrible person and of course they believed him :(. They wanted nothing to do with him. Meanwhile, Tom and Jill got back together and had been together for another nine months before they broke it off again. Tom started telling the kids that we were going to loose everything because I walked away from my responsibilities and left him to pay for everything. So I ended up moving back home after much arguing with him and the kids. So I’m back here. In our dream home with a man who I loved more then life itself, who treated me like shit for 5 years but who I had built a life with for 20. I love the man he was. I had to break up and hurt the other man. I couldn’t live here and still see him. My heart hurts. I know I’ve hurt him and let him down and he doesn’t deserve it. He’s loved me and shown me more respect then anyone else ever has. I feel like Tom FINALLY gets it. Finally has changed. He’s now more thoughtful and helps out with the kids more and around the house. But my heart has changed. I know that him and the kids want this to work and do I’m here. Burying my feelings of what he’s done and my feelings for the other man. Why? So that things can be easier for everyone I guess. Myself included in a strange way. If I could put it all behind me and forget about all the things that have happened and be able to trust him and save our marriage, our family. I guess it’s best for everyone. But how do I do this?

  • Karen

    I confronted my husband about his affair on 14th Nov 2015, a day that will be etched into my brain forever. I had suspected he was being unfaithful for some time, over a year if I am being completely honest but as often is the case, I ignored the signs. After intercepting several sms messages I couldn’t ignore it any longer so I confronted first her, via a stream of sms messages and then later him face to face. It turns out he had told her he was divorced (which I suppose is partly true seeing that I am his second wife). When I confronted him he did all the usual denials, tried ranting and carrying on that I was wrong etc etc. In the end he had no choice but to admit it. Told me he had no idea why he did it and he was sorry etc. There were a lot of tears on both sides. I made him phone her in front of me and end it. What I couldn’t get over was the cold way in which he spoke to her, who was this man? I had found out from her that the affair had been going on for TWO years and that they had been texting and calling each other every single day. Yet he broke it off with her in a few curt sentences then put the phone down. Anyway I blocked her number on his phone and he promised it was all over. He swore on my life and even on his 90 yr old mother’s eyesight that there was no-one else and he was so very very sorry. We had been married 31 years when it all came out and it felt wrong to simply throw away all that history (even though he obviously never gave THAT a thought!) so I decided to not kick him out and to work through it.
    I must have cried an ocean since then. Oh I believed him when he said it was over but it was so hard to get through each day. Of course I couldn’t believe anything he said anymore and I couldn’t get past it. In the back of my mind there was a feeling that there was someone else.I remembered I had answered his phone the one time and that woman’s voice didn’t match this one. You see when he was having the affair with woman A he became absolutely paranoid with his phone. He had to have it with him at ALL times or at least within grabbing distance,like when he was in the shower. He put it on silent when he came home and then would fiddle with it whilst we watched TV. He deleted all the messages and call logs every day, he was obsessed with it. This obsession continued AFTER the affair came out so why was he still protective over his phone? I confronted woman B on 4th July 2016, happy Independence Day! Again it was a stream of messages between her and I. Apparently he had told her that he was married but that I was a lesbian?!? Anyway I confronted him the following morning, he was shocked that I knew her name and where she lived and where she worked (I had become quite the detective, it’s amazing what you can find out on Facebook, Instagram, Truecaller etc) What hurt the most was that this affair had been going on for FIVE years….Ironically he had been cheating on his mistress with his mistress (in any other situation that would have been funny) Again I made him call her in front of me to break it off, blocked her number etc.
    We are still together even after what he has done. I took a long, hard look at our marriage and realised that we had both been unhappy for some time and had effectively been living separate lives. We had become more like companions than husband and wife. I needed to take some responsibility for that.
    It is a work in progress, but the important thing is that we are both working at it. I know it will take many years for me to completely forgive him and as far as trust is concerned I don’t think I will ever trust him again. I check his phone every day. If there is a number I don’t know I look it up and investigate. I hate feeling that way but it’s the way it is. I still cry a lot but not every single day so that’s progress. I have told no-one about it so have battled through it alone. I found writing this has actually quite been quite therapeutic 🙂
    To anyone else going through it stay strong. If you make the decision to stay married you need to commit to that and work at it. But you will only succeed if BOTH of you work at it. Don’t expect him to fall at your feet every day, begging for forgiveness. Men don’t function that way; they have been caught, said they are sorry and moved on. Us women on the other hand want him to say sorry every minute of every day….that isn’t going to happen so accept that. Tell him that there will be times when you will need to talk to him about it and you will ask the same questions over and over and that he just has to listen and answer honestly. When he gets angry at you (and he will) then respond in kind. A little screaming and shouting helps but keep it within reason. Just hang in there, you will have good days and bad days and there is no ‘Quick Fix’ It takes time……..LOTS of time

  • Sandra Berry

    I found out my husband had a 7 yr affair after he died. He was always home at night weekends and we took many vacations together. This affair happened only during working hours. This woman worked for him. He bought a second home in the mountains in both are names and talked often of our plans for retirement. He did stop making love to me but being a RN I believed he had ED secondary to HTN prostate problems he told me viagra gave him a HA. I just kind of shut down then often sleeping in the guest room. He would often beg me to sleep in our bed with him or he would ask to come sleep with me in the guest room. He was still romantic passionate kissing spooning and holding me he told me often he loved me.
    My husband developed liver cancer and I cared for him for 21 months during his treatments and then while he just got sicker and sicker. I honored his 2 wishes to keep him at home until he died and then to have him payed to rest so I could be next to him when my time came. The mistress befriended me and conned me into thinking she was a friend and long term employee who just wanted to help so I let her visit and give me respite while I took care of things requiring me to leave my husband. When my husband got sick he never asked about her or asked for her to visit so she just wormed her way in by becoming my friend. My husband never said anything to me. I feel so betrayed he told me he really loved me and that he knew he would not haves survived as long as he did without me. I feel grief because of the betrayal and his death yet very hurt and angry that he took this to his grave and I had to find out after he died. Other co workers told me. My husband owned the company so no one would say anything while he was alive. This mistress took advantage of a very ill and often confused and dying man to convince him to fire his VP and co lawyer so she had total control of the business until we sold it 7 months before his death. My husband became very confused and while I was at the doctors getting another epidural for back pain she had him change the beneficiary of an IRA Acct of $128,000 to her. I absolutely know he was very confused and had just 4 days before started medication for confusion. She continued to act like a loving friend until after my husbands service here in FL. I then had a service in our home state after I attempted to call her to tell her how beautiful the service was. She would not talk to me and has not since. She got the money but probate is underway to fight for return of this money

    I was truly grieving the loss of my husband but now I have to grieve betrayal by both my husband and her. I can’t seem to recover or cope. I cry and don’t take care of myself

    I was his 5th wife and our marriage was not always happy he was very controlling always wanting to know where I was calling me at work every day sometimes several times a day. Telling me he loved me and just to talk

    His business required day travel and I now know she rode with him very often. There were little signs but he was so good at making me think I was crazy to think anything of them. Maybe I didn’t really want to know

    Years before he moved me out of state away from family and never liked my grown sons. He made the relationships hard with my children and grandchildren. He changed when he got sick regarding them

    He cheated on previous wives and I should have known but our relationship lasted 21 yrs until he died.

    We separated for about a month 5 yrs ago and after he died I found out he stayed with her during that time. He came back to me and stayed with me but he remained involved with her while I was at work. I’m not sure how long it was sexual because he had started to develop his illness with minor symptoms that started to worsen in 2014

    He never took her on a vacation or out on weekends we spent those together many times going out with other couples

    I just can’t understand why she stayed and accepted so little from him except I know know he paid her under the table and bought her things

    Why did he stay with me but keep her on the side. Please help me understand and not be so destroyed by this horrible betrayl

  • Sara

    I found out that my husband was cheating on me in July of 2015. He initially said it was “a couple of years”. After one year of the discovery, he confessed to it being 15 years. I’m on a roller coaster ride. I also found out that he was sexting with yet nother women, who was a “friend ” of ours, with the intent to have sex with her. And, he has confessed to having sex with other women the seven years we lived together prior to getting married. He claims he loves me, he swears he doesn’t care about these other women, but I keep catching him making up stories and lying about even more things. All to “protect” me he claims. I am so confused. I don’t know who to talk to. I went to a counselor for a year, I don’t want to talk to our friends about it, I talk to him about it but then he gets depressed. I’m at a loss. Oh, and how did I discover the 15 year affair? I walked in to our office to witness of video of them having sex together. Really fun!

    • Jonell

      I have just found out that my husband of 12 years has had a long term sexual affair of 4 years, as well as, other women he has been sexting. He also claims he does care for these women and now after being caught he is a changed man. He knows he loves me and wants to be with me. However, I continue to find him in continued lies and he as well says he wanted to save what was left in our relationship. He feels that what I know is enough. And now that I have traced it back 4 years, I can only sit and wonder if it has been longer and how many more. I was sitting at the family computer on my lunch break, and it started with notifications. He forgot to log out of an app on which they were communicating. What popped up was also videos and pictures of them having sex. I think they actually have some love established in their relationship, but he is trying to convince me that it is over and it there was never love involved. She is also a married women and we know her husband very well. I want to tell him that this sex affair between my husband and his wife has taken place over the last 4 years.
      Being on a roller coaster ride is the perfect description. How did counseling go? I have been thinking of going to a counselor as well.

  • Rachael

    Apologies as this is a long one! In March, I accidentally came across evidence that my husband of 24 years was having an affair with a work colleague. He was declaring his love for her and I found these texts just 20 minutes after we had made love! I was and still am devastated although he has made every effort since discovery to be the doting husband. We have had counselling separately and together as this was a stipulation I insisted if we tried to work it out. I also told our children (16, 19 and 22 yrs) as I felt they needed to know…you see this is the second affair he has had. The first one was also with a girl from work, when she told me about them my children were small ( my daughter just being 4 months old) and so to protect my children I manipulated the situation to make her my friend as I thought I needed to keep my enemies close!! Both of his affairs have lasted 2 years each.
    Our relationship is better in a lot of ways than before but I am left suffering anxiety and panic attacks on a daily basis as the thought of them seeing each other daily at work tears me apart although he says that it is purely professional between them now and he never would have left me…he just needed an escape from real life!! How can I get passed this as I feel I am the one holding us back? Think this second one is Wppa’s she wouldn’t even acknowledge me when I asked her to meet me and she is 10 years younger than me which makes me feel threatened, old and ugly! Sorry guys but had to let it out! X

    • QC

      Stay strong I am a year past my discovery. And although I have moments some that last for hours of total devastation, I am feeling my feet hit the ground again. I too have reached out to the OW and had no response. It angers me that she put slot of energy into actions that caused so much pain in my life for ten years. But does not have the decency to acknowledge my three texts sent over a year. Please look within and gather your strength from the good that you have done and continue to do. Your path right now is unclear. And there is no need to make any definite decisions today. With time, your path may become more clear to you. Stay strong and know that you are not alone.

      • Irene

        I know the thought of speaking with the OW and having her apologize for her part in the affair and trying to explain to you why she would do this to another woman sounds good, it’s not always the case. The woman who devastated my life by having an on again off again affair with my husband over a period of five years said to me after we had contact “We were together on and off for five years. I have no shame in my relationship with “Tom”. She knew me. My husband and I did things together with her and her ex, our children knew each other. To have her say to me that she had no shame in her relationship with him was another kick to the teeth. She’s not sorry. Not one bit remorseful for wrecking the home of two beautiful children and a 20 year relationship. And also her own marriage and her child’s home. Sometimes not speaking to the OW is better. Especially when she’s someone with poor morals.

  • QC

    Yes. You have said what so many don’t understand. your past changes. You look at photos, wondering if he was thinking about her. You relive moments knowing now what you thought was true never really was. The violation is so much more, so many more layers than anyone who hasn’t been through it can imagine. For me forgiveness is so much easier than knowing I cannot erase this from my life. Find peace friend

  • Devastated spouse

    My husband and I dated 4 years before getting married and we lived together about 3 and half of those years. We’ve been married 6 years. And we had our first child in December of 2014. We’ve always been very close and done everything together. We moved in with my mom to help her financially and a month before our daugher was born she decided to sell the house leaving us in search of a new plan last minute. It was very challenging we couldnt find a place in the 10 days she gave us. We had to move to a friends temporarily. Which was a 2 hour drive from my job in traffic 8 months pregnant. And alot of moving at the wrong time. The funds we saved up for maternity leave was half spent on the move. My mom was catfished into seling her house and all her money was stolen by this man she “fell in love with” which was the reason she sold the house so quickly. (I warned her but she ignored me) I lost my mom and was extreely depressed bc i was so hurt she would do this in such an important time in our lives. My husband was also hurt bc he had helped her and she pt him in an unstable situation with his family. Our daughter was 9 months old, when he started to have an affair with a co-worker (this was sep 2015 and I didn’t confirm til nov 2016). A month later we moved to another city 5 hrs away were his family lives. And things just didnt feel right he was withdrawn and going to run errands without me. In may 2016 she moved there also. Which on mothers day someone sent me a message teling me he was cheating on me with this person. She was in a 10 yr relationship as well (not married) and left him. I was suspicious and he kept denying everything. So I hured a PI and I confirmed she lived here and the rest was obvious. He said he had work but i know his company was closed for the holiday. We paid 3,000 to go to marriage intensive, he said he wanted to fix things. I cought him still lieing multiple times lieing from nov til recent. She text me one night bc she was outside my inlaws and asked him if he was leaving me and our daughter. Correct question wiuld be me not our daughter! So much has happened trying to be concise.We moved to another city, which I know won’t fix things but it will help me start a new life where I can see a future with our without him. A city were all I have are his family is difficult for me. They are wonderful but at the end of the day thats his family. He has hurt me so much that I don’t see I can ever trust him but its so hard to picture our family apart and broken. And not being able to share every momment of our kids with each other bc we’ll be living seperate lives. I am so numb I don’t even know what I feel for him anymore. I wish this would’ve happened before we had kids. I am pregnant. Also, I am financially independant, i have a masters degree and my own business I don’t need him but would love to see us getting past this. I just don’t see it yo be possible to much damage and not enough effort on his part.

  • Someone please help me

    I found out last Sunday (July 2, 2017) that my husband has been carrying on an affair for 10 years. We have been together for 16.5 years and got married January 2017. I don’t know how to describe how I feel – just that there feels like there is a heavy rock constantly weighing on my chest and it feels hard to breathe. I break down whenever I think about the betrayal. He lied to my face. And my family and friends. I don’t know what to do. I feel so very lost.

    • Laurie Post author

      I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s affair – I can only imagine how devastated you must feel. It’s so painful to find out your husband was cheating for that long, especially after you and he married after such a long time of being together! I really am sorry for the loss of your relationship with him, as well as your hopes and dreams.

      How are you holding up? Are things starting to get better — can you breathe easier now? It can take a long, long time to recover after finding out about a partner’s affair…so give yourself time to heal. You’re still in full-on grief mode, and it’ll take time to work your way through.

      How are you doing today?

      • Please help

        It still feels like there is a constant weight on my chest. And I break down anytime anywhere … often. I feel like the biggest moron on Earth … too stupid to live. I keep asking “Why?” and “How did I not know?” I don’t know how to even think of healing.

    • E

      I’ve been there…. my story is complicated messy and crazy. I’m not going to go into all the details because of everything. I’ve been lost before and that was the first 6 months after the truth comes out. My husband cheated for 17 years with someone and the lies are the hardest part to get over. I see a personal therapist weekly because I have deep issues grasping reality of this situation and have for over 6 months. I’m sure without therapy I would have killed myself because the affair literally took my past away because 17 of our 20 years of marriage the affair was happening… affairs are destructive, damaging and hurt many more people. It’s selfish and stupid. Best advice my friend see a personal therapist. I’m still married and am seeing a therapist with him…. I’m sure it will be another 20 years before my trust is there… it’s not just trusting him, it’s trusting myself more.

  • Madre Sangregario

    My entire atmosphere became toxic when I read a message on messenger this past mid-March from a stranger, boasting to me that MY husband (my High School Sweet Heart since October1973, “whom I joined in marriage – until eternity” back in Oct. 1979) had been cheating on me for over 5 years with HER. That my husband proudly introduced HER to our son, and his friends, and boldly asked, “Havent any of them told you about ME? Dont be stupid!” Directing me: ” You should leave him! He is a liar and a cheat!” I re-read the two entries from this stranger and realized: my own husband is a STRANGER now! I came from a strict catholic family, where family was the epic reason for life.
    Now, when I look back to the early day of teen-age youth where he & I said we will face all odds together until we die… I realized on that life changing evening, reading that unbelievable message from “HER” that “we” as I lived it, had just died! I could not move, I could not breath, I became “a decaying corpse above ground” and had no where to turn and “sound off”. My parents and brother were deceased, my sister was estranged since she buried my my with out including me in the funerary events, my daughter lived far from Michigan, in Colorado, my son ( in town) had actually met this stranger on multiple occasions according to facebook entires, years back. my next support system in-state were 2 sister-in-laws, one being my husband’s sister who has been ” the other woman” to a married man since long before I started dating my husband ( her little brother) & the other sister in law, was the cause of breaking up the marriage of my husband’s older brother, and eventually whom married upon proper divorce. requirements.
    In summary, my ” support system ” is null! That could be even scarier that this entire affair revelation! How foolish was I to believe in our marriage vows? How crazy was I to think my husband & I were ” meant” to spend our lives ” TOGETHER” until death do us part? Well, I feel DEAD now! So do we part? He says now he wants to re-build our marriage. That comes only AFTER “she” dumped HIM cuz he would not leave me. On occasion, he is remorseful, but in general, he is defendant to what ” I didnt do, causing his unhappiness, which resulted in this 5 plus year long affair!
    A side note; I am a Medical Technologist who has viewed zillions of positive STD slides in the lab on a daily basis, this was always my fear- mixed with religious beliefs, that kept me to be a loving one man lady!

  • B

    So I find myself searching again for answers and perhaps support of others who unwittingly share in this pain. Found out in October that husband of 35 years was having 10 year affair. Still together but struggling. He is sorry. Very sorry. Been to counseling. And now we have a new normal. But normal is a hard place to be. For me anyway. For him, he seems good. My heart and head are never in the same place. so very sad. It has not gotten easier for me yet. Different but not easier.

    • B.B.

      Thank you for your comment. I found out my husband’s online affair – lasting +6 years in random encounters but swears no physical contact just a day ago. He is so remorseful; reset his phone and laptop to the warranty settings, wants to go to therapy, and willing to sleep on the floor if it makes me feel better, but it doesn’t. Now I know we, if that’s what I want again, need to find a new normal.

  • Sarah McLan

    What is considered a ‘long term affair’ ? I just found out that my husband has been in an affair for what he said has been ‘just over a year, and that they met on weekends’. I know that he was not with her every weekend, because he was with me ——— so I am not sure how much time he has actually spent with her. I am not trying to justify what he has done, it is horrible and painful. I just am trying to sort it all out.

  • Hurt spouse

    My husbund had affair for 6 years I fought out 6months ago .he told me he was over and I tried to rebuild only to find out that they still kept seeing each other…I received a message of mitress telling me that my husbund needs to sort his head out as he messing with both of us and she as had enough …when I confronted my husbund with this he didn’t denied it he said that she had been asking him to move in with her and he want that he realised he was doing wrong he said he don’t love her she like a addiction nothing else. He also told me she had texted him that day telling him she was leaving the area because she didn’t get the answer she wanted . .she decided to spill everything to me …to which I now know is true …my husbund cliams he feels ashamed for what he as done and feels really bad for how he’s treated me ..but how due i get through this I love him we have been together 17 years am heart broken ..

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Blopez,

    I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry about your marriage, and that your husband’s affairs have been so long-lasting and destructive. I can’t imagine how low you must feel, and how you just must want this stage of your life to be over.

    It sounds like you’re grieving the end of your marriage as you knew it. It also sounds like you know what you need – for instance, your husband did agree to go to counseling based on your wishes. This is good… But I understand that it’s just the start of a long road to rebuilding your marriage, forgiving your husband, and creating a new life together.

    I encourage you to keep writing about how you feel. Not necessarily here – unless you want to. It’s just that the more you write about what you’ve experienced and how you feel, the better able you’ll be to work through your thoughts and feelings. If you can process how you feel and what you think in writing, you may find that the pain will lift and the grief will lighten.

    May you find healing and wisdom as you and your husband embark on a new stage of life. May you recover from his affairs, and may your marriage be blessed with healing, love, grace, and forgiveness. And may your children learn what it means for parents to go through a heartbreaking situation and come out on the other side stronger and more united than ever.

    Blessings,

    Laurie

  • Blopez

    My husband of 7 years has been playing around with another woman for 4 years. Throughout both of my pregnancies. He tried to make it sound like a booty call thing, like they would meet up every couple of months. He claims they only had sex 4 times. Considering how long it took me to extract that, I can safely multiply that by 3. He was also romantically texting a woman in his home country for a year. That’s how I caught him. I caught that relationship and threatened either lie detector test or divorce. He has agreed to go to counseling. We were going to purchase a home together this year, but I refuse to be stuck with a home in a city I barely like just so he can go wet his willy when I get boring again. He said he understands and has even agreed to move back to my hometown once I get my teachers certification. He seems to be genuinely apologetic and remorseful for having ripped my heart out and using it for toilet paper. It’s like he didn’t realize how hurtful his actions were. Like a drunk driver in shell shock after having killed a family. “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.” I have never been this hurt, been this angry or felt so low or ugly in my entire life. Everything else about him is perfect, except for that. I am still in shell shock and find myself randomly bursting into tears, my stomach is in knots. I’m soooo tired and just want my life back. He claims to still love me and claims that he always has, but I think he is in love with our life, not me. I feel like I am floating in an ocean with no drinking water in no land in site. I’ll take anything at this point. I just need the pain to stop.

  • Tracy

    My husbund had affair 6 years ago I’ve since fought out it never stopped I confronted the mitress to whom shown me texes my husbund sent her I was heart broken and still am my husbund choose me in front of the mitress there were exchanges of tex messages between me and the mitress and I then learnt the mitress contacted my husbund by tex telling him I had tex her my husbund wouldnt off told me if I hadn’t fought it in his phone I rang the mitress she denied texing him my heads all over the place my husbund swears it over but I don’t know what’s true any more

  • Laurie Post author

    Good question – can a man just walk away from a long term affair? I suppose it depends on the relationship he had with her, where she is now, and how committed your husband or fiance is to your relationship.

    Speaking of commitment….why have you been engaged for 15 years?

    Your answer might give you a clue as to how you’ll recover from this long term affair. What do you know about your fiance that you don’t want to admit, even to yourself?

  • Jo

    My fiance of 15 years was caught having an affair with his co worker. A girl 10yrs younger then us. He admitted to seeing her for almost 2 years. He said it was more emotional but they did have sexual encounters when he invited her to our home. Once confronted he promised me he would never talk to her and he was over her and he loves me and isnt happy with her but didnt know how to end it with her(does all this sound familiar?) well i belive him and told him i will try to forgive him because i am only 2 months pregnant. Everyone is telling me to leave now and he will never stop seeing her. I asked my fiance and he dis admit to caring for her aot but it is only cause they shared a bond at work and see each other daily. But its not love for her! I cant stop thinking about how he betrayed me. Do the men stop seeing the mistress that quickly? I dont know if i believe him.

  • Jane

    We have been school lovers married for28 years. In 2012 just before our 25 wedding anniversary I find out that my husband was in a long term affair for 9 years. It’s almost 4 years since I found out. I am a living hell till today. We are together but live separately without any relation. Fights have never stopped, we get into physical fights. I am still full of anger and still cannot believe how he betrayed me for 9 years. I am so lonely. I have gone through counselling, it never worked. I work with Psychologists and have even done a few sessions

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Jules,

    I’m sorry you’re going through this — and especially that you feel so alone! It’s difficult enough to struggle with the idea of your husband having a long term affair…but being isolated makes it a bit more lonely.

    Who do you trust to talk to about your marriage? That really is the first step in recovering and deciding what to do next. The problems, suspicions, fears, insecurities are going around and around in your head…you need to get them out of your head so they don’t drive you mad!

    Talking to a counselor might be helpful, especially if you don’t have a friend or family member you can trust. You need to sort through everything with someone who is objective, and who can help you figure out what to do.

    Reading books about being emotionally healthy and strong would also help. The stronger you get, the better able you’ll be to deal with your husband’s long term affair (if he’s actually having one, that is).

    What else can you do, to help yourself cope? Who or what can help you get through this?

    • Jules

      Hi Laurie – thank you for your reply. I have been talking to a few good friends as well as a counselor. It has helped some…and you are right I need to work on me to get myself stronger, better able to cope so I can deal with this long term affair, if he is having one. I believe it is a long term emotional affair – they are most definitely “connected” – is it physical? I don’t know – but I’m not sure it matters. It is a long term relationship that I have issue wtih – that I cannot get him to admit is a problem for our marriage. I’m just trying to figure out what I want to do – and not put pressure on myself. It’s just so hard when so many parts of our marriage are “normal” – the day to day life, even our sex life some and then I wonder – should I be intimate with him? What should I do? What will push him away more – me not doing things, or keeping on bringing it up? What do I do next? He is a teacher, so I also put pressure on myself about their job – I really don’t want them working together or being friends any more – but the timing is a concern as you really shouldn’t leave in the middle of a year or who will move or what would that look like? I worry about things I really can’t control. I swirl in my head a lot – less than I used to – but still a lot. Thanks for listening.

      Jules

  • Jules

    My husband and I are high school sweethearts and have been married 18 years. I suspect my husband has been having an affair with his co-worker for the last few years. They have been friends about 6 and a half years and 6 years ago was the first I questioned him about her.

    For years any time I have brought it up he gets defensive and swears they are just friends. Once I questioned him about less sex between us and he said it was due to getting older. He also told me one time that they were just friends and he wasn’t going to give her up if that was what I was asking. I have checked phone records and he says that makes him feel like I am checking up on him – but it shows me how much they talk and text without me knowing. I have checked his e-mails before and in December, I overheard him talking to her about coming over “like last time” when I was going to out of town with our kids. THey talked about what she would tell her husband – I was just sick. I sat on this information for a week and was planning to try to get more evidence and it was right before Christmas, so I was wanting to keep things calm for the kids – but he walked in on me reading an article about husbands who cheat. We talked, of course he denied it. Has denied it every time we talked. Swears they are just friends, that he loves me, that he doesn’t plan to ever leave me, we have too much history, blah blah blah.

    Since then, I have done some snooping I am not proud of, mainly because I can’t use any of it on him yet because nothing is “definite”. I haven’t heard him say anything about having had sex, or being intimate, but the way they talk and things they say tell me I am right. I feel I need more definite proof so he can’t lie his way out of it and blame me.

    I am torn…at this point I still feel like I want to do all I can to save our marriage and the love I have for him. But as the days go on, I feel less hope and wonder how we will ever recover from this – if I can even get him to admit it.

    The fear…the pain…the torture is awful. And I feel like I am taking all the blame when we talk for having a lower sex driving when the kids were young, for being wrapped up with them and not meeting his needs, for being short with him, for gaining weight after kids and through cancer treatments, for all these things while he just gets off like he didn’t do anything wrong. When he is the one deciding to cheat! To go outside our marriage instead of working on things with me and being honest with me. I feel like I am crazy trying to deal with this all alone.

    • andi

      Jules,
      Boy do I know what you are going through!
      My husband had a long term affair (over 5 years!!) and I never left him.
      We have 5 kids and I know at least our youngest would have been devastated..but had things not improved, had we not gone to counseling, had he not given up every log in to EVERYTHING, she’d have to get through it.
      Now,
      My husband denied it for years. She was a co-worker that was in “love” with him. But where you have more evidence, I could NEVER find anything and believe me I combed through everything! Clothing, phone, emails, you name it. It was so frustrating because the feeling would not escape. I think there is truth behind woman’s intuition. One clue as I look back however, was the “over the top” defensiveness. Finally, one summer day in May, 2010, it happened. A private message to me by the other woman. Under a bogus name no less. This was the worst day of my life. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Everything was serial, I couldn’t function. I called my husband who was coaching my son’s baseball team at our church and told him if he didn’t come home that very moment, I was going to go there and embarrass the hell out of him. He was home in a flash (later he told me he knew in his gut that I must have been contacted by her. Apparently, that was her threat last time they met). So be it.
      If you can handle it, keep looking for evidence. Ask questions and pay attention to his physical demeanor. Is he acting too defensive, twitching, looking away, voice getting louder.. all those things.
      Anyway,
      we are still working on it, but I am still suffering immensely. Our marriage is changed forever.

      One thing I suggest to ANYONE who finally get’s their spouse to leave their lover, to break up with them in your presence. That is the biggest regret I have. I believe that would have helped with closure for me to HEAR him break her stupid heart.
      Good luck and I’d love to hear how you are doing and what you find out.
      Blessings,
      Andi

      • Jules

        Hi Andi,
        Thank you for your reply. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It gives me hope to know I am not alone and to hear another story similar to mine. I just get so stuck in what to do. While yes, I do have some more “evidence” – a lot of it is flirting and some could be taken different ways. My issue is I’m not proud of the snooping I have done – he doesn’t know I can look at his e-mail, and I have done some secret recording of him talking to her – where I can only hear his side – and I haven’t told him any of that. I’m embarrassed by what I have done, and I don’t know that he would come clean if I told what I heard, what I know. Their relationship is too close, it makes me uncomfortable but right now – as always – he doesn’t seem to care. However, I will say that in the past when she has come up, he had always been over the top defensive like you describe. Lately, he only got really upset the last time I accused him of being physical with her at their school the day before – that got him really mad but he immediately said he would no longer go to school on weekends because that is a time I can’t trust him. His defensiveness has been down and he has been more willing to listen, to make subtle changes things like that. I worry, though, that he is “playing” me so to speak. Now – that being said – they still work together daily and have plenty of time to talk throughout the day – which I hate. The talking is the basis of their friendship/relationship and I don’t like it. I just don’t know what to do. Right now – since I don’t know that I trust his reaction if I tell my truths of what I have heard – I don’t trust our “love” that we do still have for him to tell me his truths and to stay with me. So I feel like you said – I’m trying to live our life, work on our relationship and let go of those things I have heard. I’m trying to learn to love him again, trying to look at the positives…all while trying to gather more evidence. I know that sounds bad, and I know my conversations with him have likely forced them to be more careful – but I want to protect my boys as long as I can from a possible separation or divorce. I still love him – am I in love with him? No. I see him as a different person when I look at him and am trying to figure out what I really want. But there is still love there.
        Is it wrong to still be intimate with him? Is it wrong to keep working on us while he is still friends/co-workers/in a relationship with her? I just feel like I don’t know what is right – but I also know there is no right or wrong. We are all just trying to do the best we can with what we know. I probably read too much because I read some things that say kick him out, don’t sleep with him, don’t talk to him, don’t mention her…other that say keep talking, work on you, love him, be with him….I get so confused!
        Thanks for your support and listening. I am sorry you are still suffering all these years later. Like you – no matter what happens – I know our marriage is changed forever. Some of what used to be will never be the same again. And I don’t think my husband really gets that. It hurts.
        Jules

      • june

        “One thing I suggest to ANYONE who finally get’s their spouse to leave their lover, to break up with them in your presence.”

        My ex did that .. then went onto his NEXT affair and married THAT woman 5 years later,
        Breaking up in your presence means SQUAT. Just like giving up passwords. New ones can be made (or the same relationship can continue just under cover…)

        Breaking up in our presence … getting passwords to devices … Those are tactics we use as the victims (or so called victims …) to make ourselves feel better. In reality .. it means nothing. Done all of that – it only works for a while – and that’s if the cheating spouse wants it to work. Otherwise .. it’s just a delay tactic for part II.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Beth, you’re clearly unhappy. You’re having a long term affair with a married man, you had an abortion, he won’t leave his wife, and you’re torn up about this relationship.

    I understand that you love him (though I believe love is actually a commitment, a choice to be together, and a decision to encourage our partner to always be his or her best self)….but your “love” is causing far more pain than good.

    My advice is to let him go. The pain of ending this relationship will end….but the pain of staying in it will go on forever.

  • Beth

    Beth,
    I feel in love with another man 7 years ago, I knew he was married but also new he wasn’t happy. I was in a bad situation with my husband who was unstable and has bipolar and valent! I worked with this man I feel in love with and we started talking. I confidential told him my situation and that’s how it started. I know he wanted to get to know me better to. I adored him we started getting a room at least 2 times a week I thought because of his age being so much older than I am we wouldn’t get pregnant ! I was wrong I did . I think this is when our problems started because I wanted to have our baby, but he didn’t because of his age and said it wouldn’t be fair to our child. He paid to help me end the pregnancy! I just couldn’t let go of what I did, I hated myself and healed it against him but loved him to much to end it ! We started fighting after that and I would go off on him and he would always calm me down and we would go get a room . I finally told him I deserved better and he wasn’t leaving his wife and I wasn’t going through it any longer. He said let’s make the most of the situation and be together when we can. I loved him so much I’ve done this for 7 years . I end it but one of us always comes back crying telling each other how bad it feels being apart . I stopped going out of my way for him but it hurts worse than ever the thought of not seeing or hearing from him. I need advice ?

  • isabel

    my husband had a 4 year affair with someone he deals with at work it was almost 20 years ago when it started and i had a 3 year old at home and in the middle of the affair i got pregnant with my son. they continued to see each other for 4 years.! i asked him over and over if it was Carol and he said no that i was out of my mind. it ended b/c i contracted herpes. yep! he begged me forgiveness and from that time on we had a decent marriage. I alway had the affair int the back of my mind and help a lot of emotions back from him. i lost my sole mate. we met when i was 17!. recently i found a couple of flirtatious emails between them that they missed their sundays together thats when the met. I wrote anonymous letters to her and told her what i thought and the truth came out. he said he has to kiss her ass bc of business. i want her husband to know what happened b/c he said he doesnt care because she wasn’t married to him at the time. he should know all of the flirting i’m trying to get through this a 2nd time. not sure if i should throw his sorry little ass out or let him stay. i just want peace

  • Pam

    We are high school sweethearts–he did cheat in high school which we did break up and later got back together. Now 11 years later, married Aug 2012, 1 year after, I find out my husband was cheating on me. We are both young 25 and 27. We have been having problems regarding religion for approx 6 months of our marriage. It was very intense–so much that I left home for week to my parents home. While checking cell phone records a couple days ago, I found very long phone convos with the same number over the span of many months.

    • Laurie Post author

      Thank you for sharing about your husband’s long term affair, Pam – I’m so sorry to hear about his cheating. It’s a devastating betrayal, and so difficult to recover from.

      I wish you all the best as you decide what to do and how to proceed with your marriage.

      Blessings,
      Laurie

  • Marie

    Where do I start…..I find myself still struggling to cope with my husbands long-term affair and I’ve known for 7-years. One would think that after marriage counseling and shear time, i could put this all in perspecitve and move on. I don’t dwell on the affair, but I certainingly think about it often and try to coach myself through those moments. Obviously I’ve decided the marriage is worth saving and I’m happy in my decision most of the time. However, I must say that knowledge of his long-term committment to another woman while he was supposed to be raising our family and focusing on us is hard to swollow. The story, I’ve been married to him for 34 years, not blissful but happy enough. We have two grown children, 33 and 30, each has children of their own. This is important because it lays out the timeline. While I was pregnant with our 30 year old, my husband got a new job after we relocated to a new area, we were so excited to finally be heading toward stability, or so I thought! His new job had him sharing an office with a woman, she too was married with 6 children, most of them grown as she is 18 years older than me. In retrospect I should have been watchful of the situation particularly since they began to “ride to work” together shortly after meeting one another. I never occured to me that he would cheat and yet here he was with a perfect opportunity, She and I became fast friends and we spent every weekend having dinner parties and planning fantastic vacations as two married couples often do. To sum it up, their affair started when our son was 6 weeks old and did not end until he graduated from high school! 18-years, are you kidding me, that’s not an affair it’s a full on relationship. I found out through a note sent to me by her husband and for 2 years he denied it saying he would never touch her as she was old and I (at the time) was young and beautiful, so I believed him, for a time. Although somewhere in the back of my mind the fact that they never called or came over anymore really tipped the scales for me. How could a best friend of mine suddenly fall off the face of the earth at the very same time her husband told me. The answer is, it was all true and it took me 2 years to confront the issue. I know I will never be the same, I try to move on with my life, but I’ve got to say I question my decision often. Not because I don’t still love him, yes unbelievable as it may sound I do love him, but rather can I continue to struggle for something out of my control? I find myself in a battle of my resolve to stay and sorrow as a result of staying. The pain runs very deep and recovery to this point has been unbelievably hard. I thought perhaps writting my story could, in some small measure, help me continue to cope.

  • Beth

    I have just discoverd accidentally that my husband of 15 years has had an affair with someone he met on line for the last 18 months. He has spoken to her everyday up to the point I found out and met 2/3 times a month. I have a 7 year old and a 10 year old daughter. He is begging and pleading for my forgiveness but I don’t know what to do. Also my dad has just been diagnosed with liver cancer. I am a wreck

  • Michelle

    My husband has had a on and off affair for 4 years.
    We had a child and for a few years after my libido was so low..
    I do take responsibility for this… not dealing with this in a logical way..

    i put off sex.. or wasnt into it..
    I told my best friend,she was there at my son’s birth-always there for us.

    WELL,

    for four years , she has been having sex with my husband.

    now that I know.. My husband seems remorseful and says it is over.
    I want to believe him so bad, because I hae neer loved someone this much..

    We are trying to repair… only time will tell.

    Sidenote.. Ihad found out later, this “friend” had also slept with my previous boyfriend. ((GAH!))

    Also, apart that really hurts.. my husband had made a comment defending her early on, that she was “damaged” meaning…nobody understands her..she was sexually assaulted when she was young..

    This makes me upset because .. so was I. Just no one cared to ask- and I never offered the information.

    However, the guy who rapped me in a parking garage stairwell.. didnt hurt me as much as my husband and O.W did.

  • Laurie Post author

    Thank you for your comments – I think part of the process of recovering from an affair is being honest about it. Write about it, talk about it — but try not to drown in it! There’s a balance between healthy grieving, and getting lost in a sea of regret, bitterness, and even hatred.

    I think recovering from an affair that lasted a long time is more difficult than a one night stand, but others say a betrayal is a betrayal.

  • Heath

    It is not just men who do this; my wife did it to me for 2.5 years. I swallowed it whole for 13 years from when she told me because my children were young but am now ready to face and deal with it.

  • Elizabeth Sentell

    Hi. I will be married to my husband (2nd) 24 years this August. But it hasn’t been a “real marriage” for maybe 4 years, probably more than that.
    About a year and a half ago my husband’s long term affair blew wide open. I had suspicions, but he lied, called me crazy, jealous etc. When he refused to sleep with me and was out till all hours of the night, I begged him to go to counseling with me. He refused saying he was perfectly happy.
    Bottom line, his mistress(married herself for 28 years) called me and told me he bought a gun to kill me and her husband because they were so in love! Police involved, my mother in law knew about the affair and became “buddies” with his mistress! I was so depressed and distraught I had a suicide attempt. The man I gave all my love, 16 yrs of my life, the man who swore I was the love of my life didn’t exist.
    Ps- while I was in the hospital he went to court to fight a restraining order she and her husband put on him.
    So now, after marriage counseling, personal therapy and a clearer mind, I am still here. We do not sleep together, we are separate people who used to have a marriage or maybe I was fooled.
    At the beginning he asked for forgiveness maybe twice. Refused to do any work to help me thru this pain. So after me trying on my own, I withdrew all my emotions towards him.
    He still thinks I’m staying but he won’t accept I’m done! I have a move out date set for six months. I’m moving to California from NJ. The further away from his lies and betrayal the better!
    I’m not even filing for divorce(he never keeps a job) because he says he wi sue me for alimony! What a loser!
    Just so you know, I am beautiful, smart, have a great career (I’m a nurse) and I would rather be alone then be with a narcissist, user!

    So my answer is no, I will not forgive a long term affair! It’s pathetic when he says it was a mistake! A mistake is an oops, not almost two years of planning and deceiptfulness! I’m not even angry anymore, he is pathetic. By the way, his mistress is very wealthy. I guess he thought he found a bigger, better, gravy train!
    Good luck to him. The older he gets, his charm is wearing away with his age!

  • Dee

    My husband had an affair nearly 6 years ago that I forgave him for. But more recently, I found them together & he confessed that he had never stopped seeing her all of these years. I agree that a long term affair is so much harder to overcome. They actually have a better relationship than we do because she was all fun, while I lived with him & dealt with real life. He ended up leaving me & moved in with her for about a month. Then realized after he was living with her, that he wanted to be with me. So stupid me is giving him another chance. In that month he was gone, I realized that I don’t want to be alone & have to take care of myself. I was happy that he came home. But now I have to deal with overcoming this horrible nightmare. We are in marriage counseling & I’m hoping I can eventually get through this. It seems the lesser of two evils.

    • Nia

      I found out my husband cheated on me three years ago. It was with some girl a taco bell. They work at different stores. He promised me that he would not go back to that store but has lied and betrayed me. They have had communication and the wrost part is I never knew if the girl was still working for 3 years after knowing about the affair and they had interactions. I found out that the girls best friend works at his store.I also found out that the affair was a year long, while i was pregnant,neglected anf abandoned by my hisband. He mother was made because i said if he does it agian im leaving. He mother has an issue every time i stand up for my self or have boundaries. She tells me that’s how man are.MY Mother in law also blamed me for his actions, saying i gave hime to much freedom . She also stated he did not get a chance to enjoy his young boy years. And said she can’t see anything that i have done for her son. My relationship with her will never be the same.I went and confronted the girl but she also claims that nothing happened even though he confessed to it.I also caught him talking to his ex on face book 3 years ago,but he claims nothing happened and deleted their conversations. When i spoke to the ex she claim nothing happened and he is a good person. I am so lost with how to move on because it hurts and i cannot believe anything that he tells me. Even when we move forward, i recently found out the affair was for a year and that there’s still rumor that they are. I asked him to leave the job or get a transfer but he saying he has to wait. Im not happy but im trying to get better. It happened last week and has taken a toll on me. I cant focused on my school work and my personal life. I am not trying to be a hag but I cant find it i. My hurt to believe this man love me. He said the reason he stop it was because i found out and didn’t want to loose me . After he asked me to get back together. I am just doing my best to keep it up and work on my marriage but it is hard and vwry discouraging in a sense because of all theses lies and doubts that i have.